1. Remi!Copy !req
2. Remi, look!Copy !req
3. I got you a surprise.Copy !req
4. Wiener-Dog!Copy !req
5. Now who's gonna walk it?Copy !req
6. I'll walk it.Copy !req
7. And Remi will pitch in, too.Copy !req
8. You don't have to
if you don't want to.Copy !req
9. Damn right I don't have to.Copy !req
10. But tell me
who's going to clean upCopy !req
11. after it shits all over
the living room floor.Copy !req
12. Remi understands.
He's not a little kid.Copy !req
13. He's a fucking survivor!Copy !req
14. His hair is all grown back.Copy !req
15. The doctor said
it would be fineCopy !req
16. as long as he keeps up
with the blood work.Copy !req
17. And now he's got all summer
to learn how to housebreak it.Copy !req
18. It's gonna be good for him.Copy !req
19. Fucking asshole.Copy !req
20. Shh.
It's okay.Copy !req
21. It's okay, Wiener-Dog.Copy !req
22. I'm here.Copy !req
23. Shh.Copy !req
24. Heel!
Heel!Copy !req
25. Heel! Goddamn it!Copy !req
26. Heel!Copy !req
27. Motherfucker! Heel.Copy !req
28. Heel, motherfucker.
Heel, motherfucker.Copy !req
29. Hey, Dad,
when do you thinkCopy !req
30. we can let Wiener-Dog
out of her cage?Copy !req
31. When she's housebroken.Copy !req
32. Why do people
say "housebroken"?Copy !req
33. Because...Copy !req
34. Remi, you have to break a dog,Copy !req
35. break their will,Copy !req
36. so that they'll submit
to your will.Copy !req
37. It's a kind of civilizing.Copy !req
38. So they act like humans.Copy !req
39. You mean so they go
to the bathroom outsideCopy !req
40. instead of inside?Copy !req
41. Exactly.Copy !req
42. But when you break a will,Copy !req
43. well...Copy !req
44. What is a will exactly, anyway?Copy !req
45. It's character.Copy !req
46. Force of character.Copy !req
47. It's the thing
that makes you you.Copy !req
48. Hey, Remi, it's time!Copy !req
49. We have to go the vet!Copy !req
50. - Mom?
- Yes, honey?Copy !req
51. What's "spaying" mean?Copy !req
52. It just means, this way,
we don't have to worryCopy !req
53. about the dog getting pregnant.Copy !req
54. What do they do to her?Copy !req
55. Really, it's nothing.
She won't know any different.Copy !req
56. Does it hurt?Copy !req
57. No, really, it happens so fast,Copy !req
58. she won't even
know what happened.Copy !req
59. But what do they do to her?Copy !req
60. You know, honey,
I'm really not sure.Copy !req
61. I mean, all dogs get this done.Copy !req
62. Really, it's like going
to the dentistCopy !req
63. and having your teeth cleaned.Copy !req
64. No big deal.Copy !req
65. But what if Wiener-Dog
wants to have puppies.Copy !req
66. She won't.
Believe me, that's a total myth.Copy !req
67. But what
if Wiener-Dog's different?Copy !req
68. Honey, she's not.Copy !req
69. She's not like you and me.Copy !req
70. She doesn't think this way.Copy !req
71. She doesn't think.
I mean, she's just a dog.Copy !req
72. But she has feelings.Copy !req
73. Oh, sweetheart, I know,
and you're right.Copy !req
74. But with a dog,
things are different.Copy !req
75. A dog is not human.Copy !req
76. It's an animal.Copy !req
77. They look to us for guidance.Copy !req
78. Without us,
they wouldn't even be here.Copy !req
79. What do you mean?Copy !req
80. Nature doesn't care about them.Copy !req
81. It's sad but true.Copy !req
82. We're dog's only friend.Copy !req
83. Can I watch?Copy !req
84. No, definitely not.Copy !req
85. The doctor has to be able
to concentrate.Copy !req
86. I won't say anything.Copy !req
87. I'm sorry, Remi,
but it's just not allowed.Copy !req
88. But Wiener-Dog will be scared.Copy !req
89. I know she'll want
to hold my hand.Copy !req
90. Wiener-Dog will be fine.
Really.Copy !req
91. But if you're there with her,
you'll bring in germs with you.Copy !req
92. It would be just like
when during intensification,Copy !req
93. remember, all the nauseaCopy !req
94. and then all sorts
of complicationsCopy !req
95. could start up...
Serious complications.Copy !req
96. Like what?Copy !req
97. She could die.Copy !req
98. All right, then.Copy !req
99. Run!
Run, Wiener-Dog, run!Copy !req
100. Run, run!Copy !req
101. Oh!Copy !req
102. Remi!Copy !req
103. Oh!Copy !req
104. Well, I don't think
there'll be any barking tonight.Copy !req
105. Way to go.Copy !req
106. Hi, honey.Copy !req
107. Honey.Copy !req
108. Hi.Copy !req
109. You know, when I was
a little girl in France,Copy !req
110. we had a little dog also...
A poodle.Copy !req
111. My mother
found her at the animal shelter,Copy !req
112. and she decided to take her inCopy !req
113. because she was so cute
and cuddly and sweet and funny.Copy !req
114. We named her CroissantCopy !req
115. because she loved croissants
so much.Copy !req
116. But then, a few months
after she moved in,Copy !req
117. she suddenly started getting
a little tired,Copy !req
118. like she was depressed.Copy !req
119. All her happy spirit
seemed to have vanished.Copy !req
120. And that's when we found
out she was pregnant.Copy !req
121. Who was the father?Copy !req
122. Well, turns out...Copy !req
123. she was raped.Copy !req
124. What do you mean?Copy !req
125. Well, it was a stray dog
in the woods.Copy !req
126. He was called Muhammad.Copy !req
127. Hair all matted
and scratched up,Copy !req
128. all oily and ugly...Copy !req
129. The kind of dog
that growled and snarled,Copy !req
130. the kind of dog that has
rabies or ticksCopy !req
131. or even worse.Copy !req
132. Like what?Copy !req
133. Like possibly...Copy !req
134. a venereal disease.Copy !req
135. You mean like...Copy !req
136. AIDS?Copy !req
137. Anyway, at the end,
Croissant became very sick.Copy !req
138. All her hair
started falling out, her teeth.Copy !req
139. Oh, it was too horrible.Copy !req
140. And then when she gave birth,
she was in so much pain.Copy !req
141. We gave her as many painkillers
as we could,Copy !req
142. but she wouldn't
stop whimpering.Copy !req
143. And then she died.Copy !req
144. What about her puppies?Copy !req
145. Stillborn.Copy !req
146. If only she had been spayed.Copy !req
147. - Poor Croissant.
- Yeah.Copy !req
148. What happened to Muhammad?Copy !req
149. - Oh, Remi.
- What?Copy !req
150. Well, it went on raping...Copy !req
151. raping.Copy !req
152. Supposedly even squirrels
were victimized.Copy !req
153. Until one day, it was shot dead.Copy !req
154. They say it was skinned
and turned into a purse.Copy !req
155. Were the squirrels spayed?Copy !req
156. Oh.Copy !req
157. - Dina?
- Coming.Copy !req
158. I'll get the car.
We're gonna be late.Copy !req
159. You sure you don't want
to come join us at yoga?Copy !req
160. Yeah.Copy !req
161. Would you rather we stay home?Copy !req
162. No, it's okay. You go.Copy !req
163. You need to do your body
maintenance.Copy !req
164. Oh, honey, are you sure?Copy !req
165. I just want to stay
with Wiener-Dog.Copy !req
166. I understand.Copy !req
167. Do you have enough granola bars?Copy !req
168. Okay.
We'll be back before lunch.Copy !req
169. They're gone!Copy !req
170. Wiener-Dog?Copy !req
171. What's the matter?Copy !req
172. Are you hungry?Copy !req
173. Want my granola bar, hmm?Copy !req
174. Okay.Copy !req
175. Oh, God.
Fuck.Copy !req
176. Oh!Copy !req
177. You see this?
No!Copy !req
178. No diarrhea!
No!Copy !req
179. Christ!Copy !req
180. What did you give her?
What?Copy !req
181. Some granola bars.Copy !req
182. Granola bars is not dog food.Copy !req
183. It's food for humans,
and dogs are not human!Copy !req
184. But I thought
granola was healthy.Copy !req
185. Granola is poison!
Christ, the dog can't digest!Copy !req
186. Oh, shit!Copy !req
187. Oh, shit!Copy !req
188. - Mom?
- Yes, honey?Copy !req
189. What's it like
to be put to sleep?Copy !req
190. It feels good.
Like forgetting everything.Copy !req
191. I'll never forget Wiener-Dog.Copy !req
192. Maybe when you're older.Copy !req
193. No.
Never.Copy !req
194. Did Dad watch her die?Copy !req
195. No.
They would never allow that.Copy !req
196. So she was alone.Copy !req
197. No, the vet was with her.Copy !req
198. Where do you think
they buried her?Copy !req
199. I don't know.Copy !req
200. Actually,
she was probably cremated.Copy !req
201. What's cremated?Copy !req
202. Sort of like put in an oven.Copy !req
203. Honey, death is a sad thing,Copy !req
204. but it's a natural thing.Copy !req
205. And sometimes it happens
without any reason at all.Copy !req
206. Well, what about God?Copy !req
207. We don't believe in God.Copy !req
208. Well, what do we believe in?Copy !req
209. Truth, compassion, love.Copy !req
210. We're all going to die.Copy !req
211. That's why we have each other.Copy !req
212. That's why we love each other.Copy !req
213. Then death is...Copy !req
214. a good thing?Copy !req
215. Yeah?
All right, hold on.Copy !req
216. Doo Dee?Copy !req
217. Howdy, Doo Dee.Copy !req
218. Hey, Wiener dog.Copy !req
219. - Brandon McCarthy?
- How's it going?Copy !req
220. Wo... Wow!Copy !req
221. Yeah, wow.Copy !req
222. What are you doing here?Copy !req
223. Not much.
Passing through.Copy !req
224. Huh.Copy !req
225. You look pretty good.Copy !req
226. Thanks.Copy !req
227. You do, too.Copy !req
228. - Weird.
- Yeah, I know.Copy !req
229. I actually tried looking
you up on Facebook once.Copy !req
230. Oh, yeah?
Why?Copy !req
231. I don't know.
I was just surfing around and...Copy !req
232. I don't know. Your name.Copy !req
233. I mean, I've tried looking
up other people, too.Copy !req
234. Like who?Copy !req
235. Remember Ralphie?Copy !req
236. Who?Copy !req
237. He used to hang out with me
in, like, seventh grade.Copy !req
238. Oh, is he like gay pride
or something?Copy !req
239. Transgender.Copy !req
240. Huh.Copy !req
241. - You used to pick on him a lot.
- Really?Copy !req
242. - Yeah, like all the time.
- Hmm.Copy !req
243. You even beat him up once.Copy !req
244. You smashed his head
against the sidewalk.Copy !req
245. Remember?Copy !req
246. It's funny how none
of that shit sticks.Copy !req
247. Yeah.Copy !req
248. - Well, um...
- Maybe, uh...Copy !req
249. So, uh, do you want
to exchange e-mails or...Copy !req
250. I don't know, maybe catch up?Copy !req
251. We're kind of caught up now.Copy !req
252. Yeah.Copy !req
253. I'm sorry, but, like,
I'm really just passing through.Copy !req
254. That's okay.
Totally cool.Copy !req
255. Well, take care.Copy !req
256. Take care!Copy !req
257. Hey. There you go.
There you go.Copy !req
258. Good.
Yeah.Copy !req
259. Hey there, little meaner.Copy !req
260. Her name is Doo Dee.Copy !req
261. You mean, like, shit?Copy !req
262. I got her a week or so ago.Copy !req
263. She was sick,
but now she's much better.Copy !req
264. She likes you.Copy !req
265. Yeah, dogs like me.Copy !req
266. She looks like you.Copy !req
267. Thanks.Copy !req
268. I'm going to Ohio tomorrow.Copy !req
269. I leave early.Copy !req
270. You want to come along?Copy !req
271. What's in Ohio?Copy !req
272. Crystal meth.Copy !req
273. Okay.Copy !req
274. - Joke.
- Yeah.Copy !req
275. I-I-I know.Copy !req
276. I miss nothing here.Copy !req
277. Hi.Copy !req
278. You wait here.Copy !req
279. Who was that?Copy !req
280. Nobody.Copy !req
281. You like it here in America?Copy !req
282. No.
We prefer Mexico.Copy !req
283. But isn't it very dangerous
there now?Copy !req
284. I mean, with the drug violence?Copy !req
285. Yes, but not so lonely.Copy !req
286. In America, so lonely.Copy !req
287. And sad.Copy !req
288. And depressing.Copy !req
289. Like a big,
fat elephantCopy !req
290. drowning in a sea of despair.Copy !req
291. Sometimes it's just too hard
to lose weightCopy !req
292. and to give up.Copy !req
293. Wait here.Copy !req
294. Well, it certainly was nice
to meet all of you.Copy !req
295. - Adiós.
- Adiós.Copy !req
296. Good luck finding a job.Copy !req
297. Come on.Copy !req
298. - Where are we?
- My brother's.Copy !req
299. - Brandon?
- Hey, Tommy!Copy !req
300. - Hi, I'm Dawn.
- Hi.Copy !req
301. Hey, look, April!Copy !req
302. - Coming!
- It's a wiener dog!Copy !req
303. - Oh.
- Her name is Doo Dee.Copy !req
304. You mean, like doody doody?Copy !req
305. Hey, I love Doo Dee.Copy !req
306. Mmm.Copy !req
307. Mmm!
These hot dogs are really good.Copy !req
308. Thanks.Copy !req
309. We have them every night
for supper.Copy !req
310. - With hot dog rolls!
- Mmm!Copy !req
311. Can I give her a hot dog?Copy !req
312. Wiener dogs love hot dogs.Copy !req
313. Well, she has kind
of a sensitive stomach.Copy !req
314. Does she get diarrhea a lot?Copy !req
315. Um...Copy !req
316. Go ahead.Copy !req
317. Go ahead, April.Copy !req
318. Say, April.Copy !req
319. It's a beautiful day outside.Copy !req
320. Would you like to go for a walk?Copy !req
321. What for?Copy !req
322. I just thought it would be nice
if we could talk.Copy !req
323. Yeah.
I like talking.Copy !req
324. Me, too.Copy !req
325. What should we talk about?Copy !req
326. I'm really glad
we're getting to haveCopy !req
327. this one-on-one time,
kind of...Copy !req
328. girls only, you know?Copy !req
329. 'Cause I wanted
us to get the chanceCopy !req
330. to bond and talk about things.Copy !req
331. Tommy, Brandon.Copy !req
332. The way sometimes he just
doesn't get me, you know?Copy !req
333. And then his elusiveness
and intractability.Copy !req
334. Relationships.Copy !req
335. Oh.Copy !req
336. Why are you stopping, April?Copy !req
337. Can we go back inside?Copy !req
338. Oh, already?Copy !req
339. I want to go home.Copy !req
340. Did I say something wrong?Copy !req
341. Heads up, bitch.Copy !req
342. I win, I win, I win!Copy !req
343. Yeah! Let's play again!Copy !req
344. Uh, okay.Copy !req
345. Okay, but let's take
a little break first.Copy !req
346. How long?Copy !req
347. - 10 minutes.
- Five minutes.Copy !req
348. Okay, five minutes.Copy !req
349. - Five minutes.
- Five minutes.Copy !req
350. - And then we play again.
- And then we'll play again.Copy !req
351. Five minutes.Copy !req
352. Uh, come on,
let's go outside.Copy !req
353. Okay.Copy !req
354. Tommy?Copy !req
355. Yeah?Copy !req
356. You know how Dad
had a drinking problem?Copy !req
357. Yeah. But he worked
real hard.Copy !req
358. Now he doesn't drink anymore.Copy !req
359. But then he started
drinking again.Copy !req
360. - He did?
- Yeah.Copy !req
361. But he told me he stopped.Copy !req
362. He stopped...Copy !req
363. and then he started again.Copy !req
364. Why?Copy !req
365. He couldn't help himself.Copy !req
366. But he told me he stopped.Copy !req
367. The drinking made Dad
very sick.Copy !req
368. I know.Copy !req
369. That's why he stopped.Copy !req
370. He died, Tommy.Copy !req
371. But...Copy !req
372. I spoke to him last week.Copy !req
373. He spoke to you,
and then he died.Copy !req
374. Why?Copy !req
375. He drank too much.Copy !req
376. But he told me he stopped.Copy !req
377. He did.Copy !req
378. And then he started again,Copy !req
379. and he got sick and died.Copy !req
380. But he told me he stopped.Copy !req
381. I went looking
for Dad's family.Copy !req
382. Tracked them down.
I thought we were his family.Copy !req
383. He has a brother and a sister.Copy !req
384. But we're his family.Copy !req
385. You're right, we're his family.Copy !req
386. He has no brother and sister.Copy !req
387. You're right, they were just...Copy !req
388. names.Copy !req
389. He had no brother and sister.Copy !req
390. You're right.Copy !req
391. So...Copy !req
392. he died?Copy !req
393. Did you stop doing drugs?Copy !req
394. Yes.Copy !req
395. - Promise?
- Yes.Copy !req
396. And you won't start
doing them again.Copy !req
397. No.Copy !req
398. Promise?Copy !req
399. Yes.Copy !req
400. No more drugs?Copy !req
401. No more drugs.Copy !req
402. Promise?Copy !req
403. Promise.Copy !req
404. Well...Copy !req
405. we got to hit the road.Copy !req
406. Wait.Copy !req
407. She should stay here.Copy !req
408. She belongs here.Copy !req
409. Really?Copy !req
410. I always wanted a leash.Copy !req
411. - Oh.
- Oh.Copy !req
412. Oh.Copy !req
413. I was wondering...Copy !req
414. what happens
if April gets pregnant?Copy !req
415. Won't happen.
Tubes tied.Copy !req
416. Oh.Copy !req
417. And your brother?Copy !req
418. He was taken care of also.Copy !req
419. My dad didn't want
to take any chances.Copy !req
420. Doo Dee will feel at home.Copy !req
421. Yeah.Copy !req
422. S...Copy !req
423. Where do we go from here?Copy !req
424. See where we are
when we run out of gas.Copy !req
425. And then?Copy !req
426. See, at first, I really
wanted to get the Green HornetCopy !req
427. and the Green Lantern
together in a movie.Copy !req
428. It's never been done.Copy !req
429. Yeah, it's too complicated
and expensive with the rights.Copy !req
430. Marvel is extremely guarded
about its trademarks.Copy !req
431. So, instead,
I thought I'd come upCopy !req
432. with my own
original superheroes,Copy !req
433. get the copyrighted,
and go to work.Copy !req
434. I mean, has a film student
ever done that for a short film?Copy !req
435. I don't think so.
And then...Copy !req
436. I could create original
villains, as well.Copy !req
437. For instance, there's...Copy !req
438. There's Sticky Fingers.Copy !req
439. I really like that name.Copy !req
440. And, remember, this is all
extremely confidential, please.Copy !req
441. So Sticky Fingers has this powerCopy !req
442. where anything he touches sticks
to his fingers.Copy !req
443. It makes it really easyCopy !req
444. for him to rob people
without their realizing it.Copy !req
445. Like there's a special type
of gumCopy !req
446. at the end of each fingerCopy !req
447. that can pick up
money or merchandise.Copy !req
448. Anyway, the police force
is at wit's end,Copy !req
449. the mayor of the city.Copy !req
450. Sticky Fingers is on the front
page of every paper.Copy !req
451. But then um, uh...Copy !req
452. Well,
this is where I have trouble.Copy !req
453. I mean, where do I go from here?Copy !req
454. I know how you're always
saying about the story,Copy !req
455. "what if,"then what?"Copy !req
456. But that's what I don't know
the answer to.Copy !req
457. What do you think
Sticky Fingers should do?Copy !req
458. - Hey, Professor Schmerz.
- Have a great weekend!Copy !req
459. Trey Silver's office.Copy !req
460. Hi. This is Dave Schmerz.Copy !req
461. I was just wondering
if you had any ideaCopy !req
462. of when Trey might get around
to looking at the screenplayCopy !req
463. I sent back in November.Copy !req
464. It was a new draft.Copy !req
465. Oh, Dave, I'm so sorry.Copy !req
466. Did...
Did Trey not get back to you?Copy !req
467. No, not yet.Copy !req
468. I sent him a bunch of e-mails,
but I haven't had any reply.Copy !req
469. Well, he's been, like, crazy
busy these last few weeks.Copy !req
470. The whole agency's doing
this radical reshuffle.Copy !req
471. Oh, wait, I think he's just
wrapping up his FaceTime.Copy !req
472. Let me see
if I can pull some magic.Copy !req
473. Oh. It looks like he justCopy !req
474. hopped on another
conference call.Copy !req
475. What's the best number
I can have him reach you at?Copy !req
476. - My cell will be fine.
- Great.Copy !req
477. Then I'll let him know
you called as soonCopy !req
478. as he gets off.Copy !req
479. Thanks.Copy !req
480. Bear with me.Copy !req
481. Okay, then.Copy !req
482. So...
how are you doing?Copy !req
483. Great.
Great!Copy !req
484. Great.Copy !req
485. Would you like something
to drink?Copy !req
486. - Bottled water?
- Oh, thanks.Copy !req
487. Thanks, I'm good.Copy !req
488. Good.Copy !req
489. So, tell us...Copy !req
490. why do you want
to be a filmmaker?Copy !req
491. Well, I've just always
wanted to be a filmmaker.Copy !req
492. Ever since, really,
my whole life.Copy !req
493. Well, that's great.Copy !req
494. Yes, but... why?Copy !req
495. Well, I just feel I have
so much to say.Copy !req
496. Like what?Copy !req
497. What do you have to say?Copy !req
498. Well, just everything.Copy !req
499. I mean, movies have always
been so inspiring to me.Copy !req
500. But tell me,
what movies have inspired you?Copy !req
501. What movie or moviesCopy !req
502. made you want
to become a filmmaker?Copy !req
503. Oh, gee.Copy !req
504. Well, really,
there are just so many.Copy !req
505. I mean, you name it.Copy !req
506. Like, all... all kinds.Copy !req
507. - Name one, for example.
- Oh, God.Copy !req
508. That is such a good question.Copy !req
509. And, I mean,
it's really hard, you know,Copy !req
510. because there are so many
that are just so great.Copy !req
511. What movies have you seen
in the past few weeksCopy !req
512. or months?Copy !req
513. Have you liked
any of them in particular?Copy !req
514. The past few weeks?Copy !req
515. Hmm.Copy !req
516. Any movie
that you saw over the last yearCopy !req
517. and that you really liked.Copy !req
518. Or made an impression.Copy !req
519. Yeah, I know this is
like a trick question, you know,Copy !req
520. but there really are so manyCopy !req
521. that I... I just
can't keep track.Copy !req
522. Please, just name a movie.Copy !req
523. Any movie.Copy !req
524. Excuse me.Copy !req
525. I have to take this.Copy !req
526. Hello, Schmerz here.Copy !req
527. I've got Trey Silver for you.Copy !req
528. - How you doing?
- Great!Copy !req
529. Great.Copy !req
530. Listen, I have big news.Copy !req
531. It's gonna sound
like bad news at first,Copy !req
532. but I promise you
it's good news in the end.Copy !req
533. Uh-huh.Copy !req
534. I'm leaving the agency,Copy !req
535. and I'm moving over
to UniversalCopy !req
536. to be VP of production.Copy !req
537. I feel super sad
about leaving you,Copy !req
538. but it's gonna be so much
better for you in the endCopy !req
539. because I'll be in
a much stronger positionCopy !req
540. to help move
your projects forward.Copy !req
541. Have you gotten
to read my script yet?Copy !req
542. No, but I wanted
to be totally focusedCopy !req
543. on where I was first instead
of giving it a sloppy readCopy !req
544. while I'm in the middle
of a major job switchCopy !req
545. and the phone
is ringing off the hookCopy !req
546. and I've got, like,
5,000 e-mailsCopy !req
547. and Variety...
Yada, yada, yada.Copy !req
548. So when do you think
you'll get around to reading it?Copy !req
549. First, I want to hand you
over to Carol Steinhardt.Copy !req
550. She's super excited about
taking over as your agent,Copy !req
551. provided you feel
cool about that.Copy !req
552. She's hot,
she's young, she's smart...Copy !req
553. Straight out of Harvard.Copy !req
554. She's a major up-and-comer.Copy !req
555. You're gonna totally click.Copy !req
556. So Carol's gonna read it first?Copy !req
557. Right now
I think that's your best move.Copy !req
558. Speaking off the record
as your friend.Copy !req
559. I'm gonna tell her
to give you a callCopy !req
560. as soon as we hang up.Copy !req
561. Er, wait.
Kara?Copy !req
562. I'm here, yes.Copy !req
563. See if you can get
Carol Steinhardt right now.Copy !req
564. Oh, okay.Copy !req
565. Really this is the best thingCopy !req
566. that could ever
have happened to you.Copy !req
567. I'm, like, so happy for you.Copy !req
568. - She's on a conference call.
- Oh, okay, listen.Copy !req
569. It's all gonna work out great.Copy !req
570. Promise.
Now I got to run.Copy !req
571. But I'll talk to you soon,
my friend.Copy !req
572. You need to exercise.Copy !req
573. I walk my dog.Copy !req
574. Exercise.Copy !req
575. I can't.Copy !req
576. Work out.Copy !req
577. Lose weight.Copy !req
578. I can't.Copy !req
579. You're a ticking time bomb.Copy !req
580. Hello?Copy !req
581. - Hi, is this Dave Schmerz?
- Yes.Copy !req
582. Please hold. I have
Carol Steinhardt for you.Copy !req
583. So nice to connect
with you at last, Dave.Copy !req
584. Things have been, like,
so crazy here at the agency.Copy !req
585. But, tell me,
how are you doing?Copy !req
586. Well, I don't have cancer.Copy !req
587. Oh, gee!Copy !req
588. Trey warned me about you.Copy !req
589. - So how are things going?
- Oh, my God.Copy !req
590. You can't...
Okay, well, listen now.Copy !req
591. Are you sitting down?Copy !req
592. Yeah.Copy !req
593. I slipped a copy of your
script over to DreamWorks.Copy !req
594. Oh.Copy !req
595. So when do you think
they'll read it by?Copy !req
596. I should know by Monday.
I mean, really,Copy !req
597. they are desperate
for new material.Copy !req
598. - Uh, did you read it?
- Dave, are you kidding me?Copy !req
599. Oh, my God, it's genius!Copy !req
600. Hilarious!Copy !req
601. I'm telling you, the scriptCopy !req
602. is going to be
a game changer for you.Copy !req
603. Oh, gee!Copy !req
604. Because I was really worried
about the third actCopy !req
605. where DooBee disguises himself
as his mother-in-lawCopy !req
606. and the Mafia chases him
and then suddenly...Copy !req
607. List...
Oh, listen, Dave, honey,Copy !req
608. that's DreamWorks
on the other line.Copy !req
609. I'm gonna have to jump
onto that. Talk soon!Copy !req
610. Hey.Copy !req
611. Dave.Copy !req
612. Thanks for dropping by.Copy !req
613. I got a message you wanted me
to come talk with you.Copy !req
614. Come sit down.Copy !req
615. Don't worry,
it's really nothing so serious.Copy !req
616. Can I get you something
to drink?Copy !req
617. Coffee?
No, I'm good.Copy !req
618. Good.Copy !req
619. So...Copy !req
620. how are things
going with your screenplay?Copy !req
621. Things are happening.Copy !req
622. Good.Copy !req
623. Good!Copy !req
624. Oh, I'm sorryCopy !req
625. that I had to drop
out of that interviewCopy !req
626. last week, the student.Copy !req
627. Nah.
I understood.Copy !req
628. Totally cool.Copy !req
629. Things are happening.Copy !req
630. I get it.Copy !req
631. Listen... we have a surprise
directorCopy !req
632. coming this evening
for the Director Series,Copy !req
633. and I know you're not required
to show up for these things,Copy !req
634. but I'd really like it
if you did,Copy !req
635. as a favor.Copy !req
636. I really need a good turnout.Copy !req
637. Oh, I can show up.Copy !req
638. That's what you want?Copy !req
639. Fill a seat?Copy !req
640. Thanks, Dave.Copy !req
641. Is that all?Copy !req
642. Actually...Copy !req
643. there is something else.Copy !req
644. I've gotten a few reports,Copy !req
645. e-mails from some faculty,
some students.Copy !req
646. Who?Copy !req
647. They're not happy
with your performance here.Copy !req
648. What did I do wrong?Copy !req
649. You didn't do anything wrong.Copy !req
650. It's just...Copy !req
651. the general consensus is...Copy !req
652. you're a little too negative.Copy !req
653. General consensus?Copy !req
654. Well,
not everyone's complaining.Copy !req
655. It's...Copy !req
656. just there are always a few...Copy !req
657. complainers.Copy !req
658. So they're being negative
about me?Copy !req
659. Look, Dave, I'm talking
to you as your friend.Copy !req
660. I know you're a great
teacher here.Copy !req
661. I helped push
to keep you full time.Copy !req
662. "Celebrity Schmelebrity"
is a terrific script.Copy !req
663. It's a piece of shit.Copy !req
664. I tried to do something good.Copy !req
665. It's... something...Copy !req
666. Get into my childhood.Copy !req
667. Get into some...Copy !req
668. Something real.Copy !req
669. Real stuff.Copy !req
670. Pain.Copy !req
671. Memories.Copy !req
672. Dreams.Copy !req
673. But I wanted it to be funny.Copy !req
674. I wanted people to like it.Copy !req
675. I wanted it to sell.Copy !req
676. So I threw in
the mixed-up identities...Copy !req
677. I threw in the sex jokes.Copy !req
678. The Mafia.Copy !req
679. A little schtick.Copy !req
680. Everyone loves a little schtick.Copy !req
681. You're not tenured.Copy !req
682. This is a new administration.Copy !req
683. Shapiro's out.Copy !req
684. Brenner's gone.
Wienstein's gone.Copy !req
685. Horrowitz and Mandell, gone.Copy !req
686. There's only so muchCopy !req
687. I can do if you don't put forth
a more positive attitude.Copy !req
688. Show people
that you really care.Copy !req
689. Show people.Copy !req
690. Thank you, thank you.Copy !req
691. Thank you.
Oh.Copy !req
692. The students and facultyCopy !req
693. are all so delighted
to have you with us today.Copy !req
694. As an alumnus,Copy !req
695. you serve
as a real-life inspiration.Copy !req
696. You've shown how it is,
in fact,Copy !req
697. possible to achieve success
after film school.Copy !req
698. Yes.Copy !req
699. But really
all I did was make a movie.Copy !req
700. One movie.
Luck is such a big factor.Copy !req
701. Yes, but talent doesn't hurt.Copy !req
702. - Well...
- Tell me,Copy !req
703. how do you feel about
your film school experience?Copy !req
704. I mean,Copy !req
705. how did it prepare you
for the real world?Copy !req
706. Nothing can prepare you
for the real world.Copy !req
707. Yes,
but what would you adviseCopy !req
708. the students here
today who want to make movies,Copy !req
709. be like you?Copy !req
710. My advice?Copy !req
711. Drop out.Copy !req
712. Drop out and make a movie.Copy !req
713. You learn by doing.Copy !req
714. Class time is a waste.Copy !req
715. But, really,Copy !req
716. are you saying
you learned nothing here?Copy !req
717. Maybe some storytelling
techniques,Copy !req
718. screenwriting approaches?Copy !req
719. What if? Then what?Copy !req
720. I mean, no offense, but...Copy !req
721. Shit.Copy !req
722. Is Schmerz
still teaching here?Copy !req
723. You have reached
the office of Carol Steinhardt.Copy !req
724. Our office hours are Monday
through Friday,Copy !req
725. 9:00 AM to 6:00 PM.Copy !req
726. Please leave a message telling
us your name, phone number,Copy !req
727. and purpose for calling
at the sound of the beep.Copy !req
728. Thank you.Copy !req
729. Carol...Copy !req
730. it's Dave Schmerz.Copy !req
731. I love you.Copy !req
732. Go on, I'm listening.Copy !req
733. Well, the thing is
I just don't understandCopy !req
734. why I can't write
a script about identity.Copy !req
735. What about identity?Copy !req
736. I mean, identity
in terms of gender.Copy !req
737. Its fluidity.Copy !req
738. I've been wanting
to apply '90s queer theoryCopy !req
739. from a race perspective,
as well,Copy !req
740. but after reading
"Epistemology of the Closet,"Copy !req
741. I'm just not sureCopy !req
742. how to go about the problem
of cohesion and structure.Copy !req
743. Look...Copy !req
744. you know what I'm gonna say.Copy !req
745. You got to have a "what if."Copy !req
746. Simple as that.Copy !req
747. What if you got locked
out of your house?Copy !req
748. What if your girlfriend
cheated on you?Copy !req
749. What if you won the lottery?Copy !req
750. Then you would have a story.Copy !req
751. Then you would be in business.Copy !req
752. - I don't know.
- I know.Copy !req
753. Thanks for your time,
Professor Schmerz.Copy !req
754. Hey, Zeno...Copy !req
755. how'd it go with Schmerz?Copy !req
756. I'm dropping out.Copy !req
757. What did he say?Copy !req
758. What if.Copy !req
759. Fuck that shit.
I mean, like,Copy !req
760. what if you taught
script writing at a film schoolCopy !req
761. and had no fucking talent?Copy !req
762. What if you wrote,
like, one movie 19 years agoCopy !req
763. and it was a piece of shit?Copy !req
764. What if you had
incurable halitosis?Copy !req
765. At least he's got an agent.Copy !req
766. Big fuck.
My ex-boyfriend's an agent.Copy !req
767. The school
should get rid of him.Copy !req
768. It's just somehow everything
he suggests seems totally lame.Copy !req
769. Like, it's all shtick.Copy !req
770. He's probably got, like,Copy !req
771. the box set
to "Curb Your Enthusiasm."Copy !req
772. - Or "Seinfeld."
- Or Woody Allen.Copy !req
773. He's such a homophobe.Copy !req
774. He's an idiot,
and he's old.Copy !req
775. He's a dinosaur.Copy !req
776. Look, I read your script.
It's good.Copy !req
777. It's transgressive.Copy !req
778. - Thanks.
- I want to start a petition.Copy !req
779. I already talked to Phillips
about it...Copy !req
780. My uncle's on the board.Copy !req
781. I'm just,
like, done with this shit.Copy !req
782. He's so out of here.Copy !req
783. - Yeah, but, like, what if...
- What if what?Copy !req
784. Come on! Come on!
Come on! Come on!Copy !req
785. I.D.?Copy !req
786. Are you David Schmerz?Copy !req
787. What if I am?Copy !req
788. Then what?Copy !req
789. You did what?Copy !req
790. Cheese!Copy !req
791. Hi, Nana, it's Zoe.Copy !req
792. Um, listen, I'm just
running a little bit late,Copy !req
793. but I should definitely
be there in, like, in 20...Copy !req
794. 20, 30 minutes tops, okay?Copy !req
795. And I'll...
I'll see you soon, okay?Copy !req
796. Okay, I love you.Copy !req
797. This way. This way.Copy !req
798. Yvette! Hi!Copy !req
799. Hi.Copy !req
800. Nana!
I'm sorry I'm late.Copy !req
801. Just the traffic
and now with that new highway...Copy !req
802. Hi.Copy !req
803. Oh, let me introduce you.
This is Fantasy.Copy !req
804. Hey.Copy !req
805. That's his actual name.
He's, um...Copy !req
806. He's got a sister called Dream.Copy !req
807. So...Copy !req
808. Yvette!Copy !req
809. Kaopectate.Copy !req
810. You look really good.Copy !req
811. Huh?Copy !req
812. I said you're
looking really good.Copy !req
813. I heard you.Copy !req
814. Fantasy is an artist.Copy !req
815. Like Picasso.Copy !req
816. He was just in this group show,Copy !req
817. and it got mentioned in
"Artforum" 30 Under 30.Copy !req
818. And he was a finalist
for a Guggenheim last year.Copy !req
819. Oh, I got robbed.Copy !req
820. You know,
Nana used to do some paintingCopy !req
821. when she was young.
Didn't you, Nana?Copy !req
822. I posed nude
and spread my legs.Copy !req
823. That's cool.Copy !req
824. Yeah, Fantasy is actually, um,Copy !req
825. he's involved
in installation work.Copy !req
826. Not... Not type specific,
but more like mixed media.Copy !req
827. And, um, he actually
finds these dead animals,Copy !req
828. and he embalms them,Copy !req
829. and then he sort of
roboticizes themCopy !req
830. into these, like,
audio sculptural sort of...Copy !req
831. - I'm interested in mortality.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.Copy !req
832. I mean his work is...Copy !req
833. very exploratory,
very controversial.Copy !req
834. And you might be thinking
that it's sort ofCopy !req
835. like a Damien Hirst derivative,
but it's...Copy !req
836. Fuck that derivative shit!Copy !req
837. But it... But it...
But his work is...Copy !req
838. Motherfuckers.Copy !req
839. His work is actually
very, um...Copy !req
840. you know, social welfare,
income gap, inequality oriented.Copy !req
841. Fuck Damien Hirst!Copy !req
842. Thanks.Copy !req
843. I think it's really great
that you got a new dog,Copy !req
844. and it's so cute!Copy !req
845. I mean, I think that everyone
should have a pet.Copy !req
846. What's its name?Copy !req
847. Cancer.Copy !req
848. Wait, wait, um...
Why would...Copy !req
849. you name it that?Copy !req
850. It felt right.Copy !req
851. Wait...Copy !req
852. Nana, are y... are you?Copy !req
853. Everyone's dying.Copy !req
854. - I'm going outside.
- Here.Copy !req
855. Take Cancer with you.
She has to go.Copy !req
856. Um, there's all of
this traffic now,Copy !req
857. and it used to be so quiet hereCopy !req
858. and peaceful and...Copy !req
859. sound of bird calls.Copy !req
860. Do you ever think about moving?Copy !req
861. No.Copy !req
862. But the highway...Copy !req
863. Oh, um...Copy !req
864. I got you a little present.Copy !req
865. What for?Copy !req
866. I just thought, you know...Copy !req
867. crazy, spur of the moment.Copy !req
868. Here, open it.Copy !req
869. You open it.Copy !req
870. Yeah, okay.Copy !req
871. It's, um...Copy !req
872. It's an ostrich egg.Copy !req
873. It's... It's...Copy !req
874. It's supposed to be
like a delicacy in South Africa.Copy !req
875. People worship it there,
and you can fry it or poach itCopy !req
876. or scramble it or,
you know, pickle it or...Copy !req
877. Yvette?Copy !req
878. Just be super careful
with it, Yvette.Copy !req
879. It's just really delicate.Copy !req
880. I got a part in a movie.Copy !req
881. It's a speaking part.Copy !req
882. Um, I play...Copy !req
883. a crack whore,
but it's very emotional,Copy !req
884. super tender.Copy !req
885. Very tender.Copy !req
886. And it's two scenes.Copy !req
887. Nana, I know that I haven't been
to visit you in a while.Copy !req
888. When was the last time
you came by?Copy !req
889. I don't know.Copy !req
890. Three years.Copy !req
891. Four.Copy !req
892. How much do you need this time?Copy !req
893. 10,000.Copy !req
894. But it's not 'cause of drugs.Copy !req
895. It's just this could be such
a big deal for Fantasy.Copy !req
896. You know, in this moment
of his career and he's...Copy !req
897. You know, he's worked so hard
and he's so sensitive inside.Copy !req
898. And it's...
It's for a really,Copy !req
899. really good cause.Copy !req
900. How's your dad?Copy !req
901. He's in...Copy !req
902. California, I think.Copy !req
903. When was the last time
you saw him?Copy !req
904. We don't speak.Copy !req
905. - When are you getting married?
- I don't know.Copy !req
906. Um...
You know,Copy !req
907. there's just so much stuff
going on right now, and...Copy !req
908. Fantasy and I are kind
of just taking things easy,Copy !req
909. you know,
'cause there's no rush, like...Copy !req
910. I mean, I'm still young, so...Copy !req
911. Don't kid yourself.Copy !req
912. Um, you just...Copy !req
913. You just forgot to fill out
the amount.Copy !req
914. No, you fill it out.Copy !req
915. I'm no good with numbers.Copy !req
916. I'm worried that...Copy !req
917. I'm worried that Fantasy
isn't faithful to me.Copy !req
918. Yo, Zoe!Copy !req
919. That's him.
I got to go.Copy !req
920. Bye, Nana!
We'll be back soon.Copy !req
921. Thank you!Copy !req
922. What happened to you?Copy !req
923. I got old.Copy !req
924. - I don't want to be old.
- Don't worry.Copy !req
925. It will happen so fast,
you won't even know it happened.Copy !req
926. Do I have to get wrinkles?Copy !req
927. They're not so bad.Copy !req
928. Yes, they are.Copy !req
929. Well, you can always
have work done.Copy !req
930. You mean Botox?Copy !req
931. Who are all these children?Copy !req
932. You.Copy !req
933. They're all you.Copy !req
934. All the different lives
you could have hadCopy !req
935. if you hadn't chosen
the life you chose.Copy !req
936. But I didn't choose.Copy !req
937. That's you if you had
continued studying art.Copy !req
938. And that's you if you had
married your true love.Copy !req
939. And that's you
if you had forgiven your mother.Copy !req
940. So many years
you never got to know.Copy !req
941. - Hello.
- Hello.Copy !req
942. - Hello.
- Hello.Copy !req
943. And that's youCopy !req
944. if you'd shown kindness
to your daughter.Copy !req
945. And that's youCopy !req
946. if you'd learned
to overlook others' flaws.Copy !req
947. And you if you hadn't
given up on life.Copy !req
948. - Hello.
- Hello.Copy !req
949. - Hello.
- Hello. Hello.Copy !req
950. And here's you if you'd ever
liked other people.Copy !req
951. And you
if you'd ever liked yourself.Copy !req
952. You if you left bigger tips.Copy !req
953. - Hello.
- Hello.Copy !req
954. - Hello.
- Hello.Copy !req
955. And now it's time
to say good-bye.Copy !req
956. - No.
- But you have to.Copy !req
957. - You have to.
- You have to.Copy !req
958. No!Copy !req
959. - Everything has a beginning.
- And everything has an end.Copy !req
960. No! No!Copy !req
961. No! N...Copy !req
962. Cancer?Copy !req
963. Cancer?Copy !req
964. Cancer?Copy !req
965. Cancer?Copy !req