The Mighty Boosh Live: Future Sailors Tour (2009)

1. Ladies and gentlemen,

2. are you ready to set sail into the future?

3. Well, all righty, then.

4. Grab your tickets, cover up your booby hatch

5. and scrape those barnacles off your pelvic region.

6. 'Cause here comes the SS Mighty Boosh!

7. Oh!

8. Wow.

9. Manchester!

10. Thank you.

11. Oh, Manchester, look at you lot.

12. You're like a big, frisky mule.

13. We're gonna ride you all around town.

14. How are you doing in the top shelf?

15. - Good. - Oh, cloud-dwellers.

16. What about the troglodytes on the floor?

17. What about this side flank?

18. Just you.

19. Imagine if you shouted and it was louder than everyone combined.

20. That would be genius. But you've not made the effort.

21. We should probably get everyone to shout together.

22. Let's knit you all together like shredded wheat.

23. Everyone together now!

24. I'm having a flashback.

25. I'm a tiny boy.

26. It's the '70s. This is my mama's velvet skirts.

27. Ohh. Can I have an ice cream?

28. She was an enormous woman, your mother.

29. Over 49 feet tall.

30. Like a big, red, velvet mountain.

31. Let's not get personal.

32. Where the hell have you lot been?

33. Oh, here we go.

34. Shuffling in late.

35. Look at these lot, look.

36. Having to do the two-dimensional walk of shame.

37. "Please make me two-dimensional. Please!"

38. Oh, bless.

39. "If I crouch slightly, I become invisible.

40. "Oh, look. No one can see me now."

41. What you've missed is they've held up a sign saying, "Noel, come here."

42. In the middle of a gig and the incentive is... Turn it round. "We'll give you a Twix."

43. He's easily led.

44. If it was a Bounty, I'd be straight down there.

45. They're showing me the Twix like I didn't believe they had one.

46. Now I've seen it, I'm fucking going down there.

47. How do I get off stage?

48. Is everyone okay? Everyone settled in? Yeah?

49. Yeah? You all eaten? I could rustle up a quiche or...

50. - You okay? Good. - Cool.

51. So, everyone's okay, yeah?

52. How are you doing? You all right?

53. Oh, I'm amazing. Yeah, I'm absolutely amazing.

54. I've never felt better.

55. I mean, amazing. I feel good about myself, my life, everything I'm doing. I feel so great.

56. I just feel on top of the world. I feel amazing.

57. Just so good about my life, my work. I mean, I'm so busy.

58. I've been doing nothing.

59. Nothing at all. Just staring at the walls.

60. My life is so empty.

61. I'm nearly 40. Soon I'll be 50, then I'll be dead.

62. Oh, God. I may as well end it all now.

63. Yeah, really busy. Just up to stuff. Good times.

64. Yeah, top of the world.

65. Seriously, though. You need to get out more, start mixing with the public.

66. Yeah, I'm not keen on the public, really.

67. Yeah, I mean look at 'em. They're weird. Freaks.

68. Howard, we love you!

69. Well, that's okay but, you know, it doesn't... Doesn't really float my boat.

70. They're a bit weird. I don't know what they want.

71. They're always there, staring. I never know what they want.

72. A bit weird. Hi.

73. What's your name? Not interested.

74. Ohh.

75. You fell for my trap.

76. Seriously, though, Howard. You're nearly 40. You're indoors, just staring at the walls.

77. Soon you'll be 50, you'll be dead.

78. Have you been listening to my internal monologues?

79. They're pretty fucking loud.

80. Seem to be accompanied by a spotlight.

81. / should do something about that.

82. Yeah, you should. It's embarrassing.

83. When we were out the other day in Waterstone's,

84. everyone could hear what you were thinking.

85. You were like that. "Oh, that Indian man, his legs are on backwards.

86. "What could it mean?"

87. Just appeared strange to me.

88. I have very loud internal thoughts. I can't help it. It's an affliction.

89. We love you, Howard!

90. Now, that just sounds like a sort of sympathy type...

91. Thank you, thank you. Thank you, Mother.

92. Is that a tiny Mexican wave for Howard?

93. That's two people doing their own little Mexican wave there.

94. Thank you, thank you.

95. - Oh, bless. - Thank you for that.

96. - That was cute. - Yeah. Faint praise.

97. - What have you been up to? - What have I been up to?

98. Oh, I've been really busy. I'm the new face of Jean-Claude Jacquettie.

99. Spending a lot of time in Paris with a French designer.

100. He's got a new perfume out, actually. Let me tell you about it.

101. Unicorn Tears.

102. By Jean-Claude Jacquettie.

103. Because you want to smell like the weeping eye of a unicorn.

104. Jacquettie. Jacquettie. Jacquettie.

105. A world where books become butterflies.

106. Jacquettie. Jacquettie. Jacquettie.

107. Because you know who you are when you're you.

108. Jacquettie.

109. What in the name of Brian Christ was that supposed to be? What was that?

110. Brian Christ?

111. Is that Jesus' brother?

112. It's his cousin. What was that supposed to be?

113. Oh, it's just a little endorsement for Jacquettie.

114. - Yeah? - Yeah.

115. - We shouldn't be doing that on the show. - Why?

116. We shouldn't. It's bad. We shouldn't be doing that.

117. - What do you mean? - We shouldn't be doing that.

118. Of course I should. Didn't you get the fax? He's sponsoring the show.

119. If it wasn't for Jacquettie, we wouldn't get the glittery costumes,

120. the expensive props.

121. Yeah, I wanted to talk to you about that, actually. Where was my fucking boat?

122. Where was my boat in Future Sailors?

123. - You had a boat. - That was a dinghy.

124. Okay? I got all dressed up. You said there'd be two boats.

125. I didn't say they'd be the same size, did I?

126. I had to blow that fucker up, you know.

127. That's why I was out of breath in the song. It was embarrassing.

128. You know?

129. Saw you coming up the stairs, thought you were having an asthma attack.

130. Yeah. Yeah. Not good. I'm a fit man. That was embarrassing for me.

131. Why didn't you just use the big yellow foot pump?

132. That is the gayest line in the show.

133. "Why didn't you just use the big yellow foot pump?"

134. - What big yellow foot pump? - The prop girl's got a big yellow foot pump.

135. - Has she? - Yeah.

136. - The prop girl? - Yeah.

137. Well, she sat there and watched me blow it up.

138. She just sat there with a smile playing about her face,

139. while I nearly popped a lung.

140. Yeah, well, you fell out with the prop girl.

141. I didn't fall out with her. I asked her out, okay?

142. Well, it's the same difference with you, isn't it?

143. Oh, oh, that's... What do you mean by that, sir?

144. - She told me what happened. - What?

145. - You asked her out. - Yeah.

146. - She said no. - Yeah.

147. - You kept hassling her. - That's my technique.

148. Creative and persistent, you know? Creative and persistent.

149. Chip, chip, chip, chip, chipping away. That's the way I work it.

150. - Creative and persistent? - Yes, sir!

151. You appeared to her as her dead father in the night.

152. Well, I like to think outside the box.

153. What, the coffin?

154. Yeah. It was a good role for me, actually.

155. - Was it? - I did the voice and everything.

156. "Howard is the man for you."

157. "Howard is the one. Go with him!

158. "He's the one to take you out to see jazz.

159. "Go with Howard. Ohhh. Ohhh.

160. "Chica-chica."

161. Then I sneak back in the cupboard.

162. You might have clapped but her dad didn't even speak like that.

163. He was this small Portuguese fisherman with a silver afro.

164. She'll warm to me, Vince.

165. - Oh, really? - I can feel it in my bones, yeah.

166. Take her out next week, see some jazz. Take her to see some smooth jazz.

167. Some Kenny G, maybe.

168. - Kenny G? - Yeah, some smooth, haunting Kenny G.

169. The smooth, sultry tones of his haunting soprano pipe.

170. Mmm, the G-man.

171. Kenny G? Are you out of your mind, Howard? She's not into Kenny G!

172. She likes Kings of Leon.

173. And so do, apparently, only women in this gig.

174. - Which ones are they? - You know, the one that men hate.

175. Quite good-looking, sometimes they have moustaches, preachers' sons.

176. Sort of Southern boys. They're quite...

177. They've got that song, how does it go?

178. Know that one? It's good.

179. No, I've not heard it before but I like it.

180. - Do you? - I love it, yeah.

181. - It's great, yeah. - They got any other songs?

182. They've got another one, yeah.

183. That is nice.

184. - That's another winner. - It's a great one.

185. - Have they got any others? - They got another one that I know about.

186. Yeah. How does that one go?

187. - I don't like that one very much. - No?

188. - No. It's not as good. - No, they really lost it after...

189. I could rock that look. I've got the moustache.

190. - Yeah. - could do the Kings of Leon look, yeah.

191. Slightly more Indian when I do it. I don't know. Singhs of Leon.

192. Yeah.

193. But, yeah, I could do it. I've got the moustache. What do you think?

194. Yeah, this thing is, Howard, that's not really a moustache, is it?

195. That's a Bovril smudge.

196. Okay. Stop the show. No, I'm stopping the show.

197. - What are you doing? - I'm just pausing the show.

198. - Pausing the show? - Yeah. Yeah. I'm giving you a warning.

199. Sparkly Jim.

200. Think you're getting fresh with me, with your wicked talk?

201. Making me look foolish in front of people? You run a risk, sir, you run a high risk.

202. You run a high risk, sir, because I could come back at you...

203. Pow!

204. That won't be pretty. That will be nasty.

205. I will come at you spicy style.

206. 1 will come at you like the Northern Mantis. Huh?

207. I'll put some hot words together, sting your brain. Huh?

208. Ain't no Savlon for the mind.

209. And resume the show. Okay. Just a warning. Little warning.

210. - You're messing with fire. - Yeah.

211. The thing is, Howard,

212. I love you and everything but you are just a bit mentally slow.

213. Pow!

214. What?

215. How dare you? How very dare you, sir!

216. Come on, you know you are. You've got other qualities.

217. Do you remember a while back when I said you had eyes like belt-holes?

218. Yes, I do remember that and I remember putting you down.

219. Yeah, two weeks later.

220. You ran in and went, "You look like a bush baby."

221. Yeah, bush babies have got big eyes. Get it?

222. Feel the burn.

223. No one knew what you were talking about.

224. Yeah, but I knew and you knew and that's all that matters, okay?

225. Yeah, but no one else at the funeral did.

226. Ooh!

227. No one that big should wear a school uniform.

228. We've got a show for you this evening. We've got a show for you tonight. Whoa.

229. Yeah, so, that's quite lucky.

230. Look a bit foolish otherwise.

231. That would be some monumentally bad planning.

232. Oh, yeah, we've got some stuff. Fill them in.

233. Oh, first half's going to be fun, fun, fun! It's gonna be a bit cabaret,

234. you're gonna meet some characters, maybe some music.

235. Oh, who've we got? We've got... Kate Bush is coming down.

236. She's gonna bring in a piece of bamboo and a sort of hedgehog into the venue.

237. And then I think she's just gonna sort of flick it into a hollowed-out pumpkin.

238. Kate Bush.

239. She calls it primitive golf.

240. I call it abuse to animals.

241. That's just for starters. Then we've got El Diablo coming down, the Devil himself.

242. He's got an idea where he's going to eat 156 BlackBerry phones

243. and then vomit emails into your faces.

244. El Diablo! How does he do it? Have you seen the way he moves?

245. Good times. Good times in the first half, and then in the second half of the evening

246. I'm going to be doing a very serious play.

247. Yeah, that's right. Yeah.

248. Very serious. It's about the environment and the future of the planet.

249. Because, ladies and gentlemen, the planet's in danger, yeah?

250. Not a whistling moment, sir.

251. You won't be whistling when the nuclear rain eats away your eyeballs, okay?

252. Thank you. Fair trade, yeah? Catch the dream. Smell the vision. All right.

253. Who the fuck are you, Chris Martin?

254. I wish I flipping well was Chris Martin.

255. - Do you? - I wish I was Chris Martin sometimes.

256. - Do you really? - Yeah, sometimes I wish I was little Chrissy.

257. - Little Chrissy? - Yeah.

258. Pretty sure even Chris Martin wishes he wasn't Chris Martin some of the time.

259. - Not true. He's a good man, actually. - Oh, really?

260. - Yeah. - What, you'd know, would you?

261. - Well, I met him on the street. - Oh, yeah?

262. Very briefly. He talked to me very poignantly and briefly about the environment,

263. really opened my eyes.

264. Bet that took ages.

265. What did he use? WD-40 and some salad spoons?

266. Oh, no.

267. - "Oh, they're like belt-holes." - Yup.

268. "How does he see through them?"

269. That's funny stuff.

270. - Stop the show. - Oh, come on.

271. - No, stop the show again. This is it. - What, a double-pause?

272. Yeah, I'm double-pausing, okay?

273. Yeah, I warned you. You didn't listen, did you?

274. You didn't listen. I warned you. Just had to ignore the warning.

275. Yeah, because you've gone too far. The belt-holes, the Bovril smudge.

276. It's all going in. I'm going to have to put you down, yeah?

277. Get some insults together and put you down.

278. - Okay. - Yeah?

279. - Bring it on. - What you doing Tuesday evening?

280. Give me a bit of time. Tuesday evening? Get some insults together.

281. - All right. Cool. - Keep that window free.

282. - 1 will. I'll get some dips in. - All right.

283. And some tzatziki, I like that stuff. Okay?

284. I think I've still got some from last time.

285. Okay, well, I'll come round Tuesday evening, I'm gonna nail your ass.

286. What, you're gonna bum me as well?

287. Better make it Wednesday, yeah? Okay?

288. - Need more time. - All right.

289. Hey, Howard, before you go, could you un-pause the show?

290. - Not sure how you do that. - You don't know? That's simple.

291. There he is. Leeds' own Captain Pugwash.

292. So, are you ready for your first guest?

293. You'll have to do better than that. Are you ready for your first guest?

294. He's my favourite American, he's your favourite American,

295. it's Bob Fossil!

296. Yeah! Hey! Yeah!

297. Manchester!

298. Oh!

299. Oh!

300. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

301. Oh, my nuts!

302. I'm Bobby Bob Bob Bob.

303. Please, stop. No, go on. No, stop. No, go on.

304. And as you know, I'm an accomplished musical performer.

305. Nobody puts Manchester in the corner.

306. Right.

307. Well, in addition to my many talents, I also run the Bob Fossil Dance Academy.

308. And what I wanted to do for yous this evening is to give you a little smidget,

309. which is a combination of a smidgen

310. and a midget,

311. of what my dance class is like.

312. Okay? But before we begin, we need to learn how to breathe, okay?

313. You gotta breathe from the crotch. You gotta breathe from the crotch.

314. The cradle of civilisation, right here. Breathe all the way up.

315. If you've got asthma or other breathing problems, tough shit!

316. We've all got issues! I was in 'Nam, for Christ's sake!

317. Okay, awkward, all right.

318. Next, make sure you dance on an empty stomach, okay?

319. Because you could be doing this, be having a great time,

320. then all of a sudden...

321. See, that's really bad, because...

322. All right. Good.

323. So now I think you're ready to learn a few dance moves.

324. What I need from you, Manchester, is for you, right now, to get up on your feetsies.

325. Everybody up on your feetsies. I am not shitting around.

326. "What's he doing? This is crazy!

327. "I've never done this before. I'm not wearing any pants!

328. "Did I sleep with him?"

329. This first move is very simple.

330. You've got some seed in your left hand,

331. you reach in with your right hand,

332. and you're feeding the chickens.

333. You're feeding those chickens. You're feeding the chickens.

334. You're feeding the... Swivel your hips.

335. Swivel your hips. Yeah. You love it.

336. Feed the frickin' chickens!

337. I will come down on you like a Chinese cosmonaut on Viagra.

338. I don't know what that means.

339. Flick your wrist. Flick your wrist.

340. Hit them in the head. I want to see dead chickens!

341. Good, Manchester. You're doing great. You're doing great.

342. This next move, I want you to take your left hand,

343. rub your chest, right?

344. Shift your weight and rub your tummy.

345. You're rubbing your chest, you're rubbing your tummy.

346. You're rubbing your chest, you're rubbing...

347. That's a little bit low, sir. You're touching your penis.

348. 1 will call Security if I have to.

349. Al right.

350. This next move is called Where Were You Last Night?

351. It goes like this.

352. Where were you last night?

353. We've all been there, Manchester.

354. Try it, okay? Where were you last night?

355. Where were you last night? You're really getting into it, aren't you?

356. Ooh, you're a little tramp, aren't you?

357. Al right.

358. This next dance move is called the Air Sandwich Grab, okay?

359. Imagine a shit-load of sandwiches in the air. Okay?

360. And you're grabbing the sandwiches out of the air.

361. You're grabbing those sandwiches. Take a bite of one.

362. Yeah. Grab... Yeah, that's great. Yeah.

363. Eat those sandwiches!

364. I will rain down on you like a pin at a full of semen.

365. Yeah.

366. Okay, this next move, it's my trademark move, okay?

367. I want you to lick the lips

368. and touch the nips.

369. Okay? Shift your weight, lick the lips, touch those nips.

370. All right? Lick your lips, touch your nips!

371. I want to see frozen peas out there.

372. I want to see dead chickens and frozen peas.

373. All right. Last, this is a very complex move. I don't expect you all to get it.

374. It's called the Screaming Ocelot.

375. What you do is pivot, put your hand on your head and turn.

376. You got it? You're all over it, okay?

377. All right, you ready to try out these moves, Manchester?

378. Okay. Hit it!

379. I'm free-forming right now.

380. This is called the Epileptic Crab.

381. Get ready, Manchester.

382. Feed those chickens, feed those chickens,

383. feed those little baby mother fucking chickens.

384. Rub your chest now, rub that tummy.

385. Where the fuck were you last night? Where were you last night?

386. Grab... Grab those sandwiches. Grab those sandwiches!

387. Hey! This one's tuna!

388. Lick those lips, touch those nips, lick those lips, touch those nips.

389. You get an A, Manchester. Yes! Yes!

390. Beautiful! Oh! Nice one!

391. Okay. Just before we go into the next bit, actually, Vince,

392. if you could just stand your ground...

393. Your hair is like Marmite.

394. Feel that one.

395. What does that mean, even?

396. Well, Bovril smudge, Marmite hair. You lose.

397. You lose, mama-tweaker.

398. - Why? - Because people prefer Bovril to Marmite.

399. No way.

400. I love Marmite!

401. Oh, there goes Tom Selleck.

402. So, while he's gone. Actually, I've got to tell you,

403. since I've been doing adverts for Jean-Claude Jacquettie,

404. 1 get 90 per cent off on all his hair products, yeah? Check out my new hair dryer.

405. - Yeah! Jacquettie.

406. Oh, look at this beauty.

407. The new hair dryer from Jean-Claude Jacquettie.

408. Is your hair lifeless, lank, ridiculous? Yes.

409. Do you wish it was taller, more cheeky, more playful?

410. You need a new Jacquettie hair dryer. Look at this.

411. This hair dryer is so big, if you need to you can bum it.

412. I don't really use that setting myself, yeah?

413. Level 1 on this baby shoots out a cannonball of hot air into your face,

414. knocks you out. When you wake up, you've got a lustrous fringe. Incredible.

415. Level 2 basically takes every hair off your head,

416. puts it onto a tiny badger's head, takes a photo of that badger,

417. switches the hair back round and you get to keep the Polaroid as a souvenir.

418. Oh, Jacquettie. He's thought of everything.

419. I've not even tried Level 3 yet. I'll just change the settings now.

420. Hey, Vince, I was just wondering if... Whoa!

421. Theatre, brought to you in association with Jean-Claude Jacquettie.

422. What are you doing? Are you doing an advert?

423. No, just chatting.

424. What are you doing? Going to a convention for geography teachers?

425. I'm the new face of Cord.

426. What is the face of Cord?

427. In a high wind, up a mountain.

428. You've lost your Kendal Mint Cake.

429. It's the face of Cord, my friend. Feel it.

430. - It's a lovely cord, that. - Don't be afraid to dig in.

431. - Feel that. - That's a thick, chunky cord.

432. - It's a jumbo, my friend. - Really?

433. - It's a jumbo. - Look at those pieces of cord, they're big.

434. Like Swiss rolls all huddled together on a winter's evening.

435. - Oh, yeah, yeah. - What colour would you say that was?

436. Well, you'd probably say it was a brown, wouldn't you, Vince?

437. But there are a million and one different browns.

438. I call this one aggressive nutmeg.

439. Thank you. And then I temper that with a trouser in quizzical fawn.

440. And then I just cap it off with a desert boot in haunted muffin.

441. Thank you. Thank you. Thanks, that is the spectrum of brown. Thank you.

442. - Okay. - You ready for your next guests?

443. These guys are incredible.

444. They've gone stratospheric since series three.

445. They've been hanging out in LA now, on the West Coast.

446. Hanging out with all the big rappers over there. All the superstar rapper guys.

447. Yeah, hanging out with... They been hanging out with Snoop Dogg.

448. - Snoop. - Imagine that.

449. - Yeah. - Hanging out with Dr Dre.

450. - The Doctor. - Hanging out with Kool Keith.

451. Keith. Yeah, all those guys. The big guns. The heavy hitters. Pow!

452. You don't actually know any rappers, do you?

453. Colin Anus.

454. You know, all the guys with the big guns. Those guys.

455. - Sorry, who? - Colin Anus.

456. - Colin Anus? - Not aware of his work?

457. He's new on the scene.

458. Is he? - Yeah.

459. - You've made him up. - No, no. Colin T Anus.

460. One of the new freestyle rappers.

461. - What's the T stand for? The? - Yeah.

462. Now, the thing is these guys have been hanging out

463. with all those big superstar rappers but it hasn't changed them.

464. Their feet are still on the ground.

465. And they've come here to do the show tonight.

466. Ladies and gentlemen, make them feel welcome, make them feel special.

467. It's Naboo and Bollo!

468. Hey! Hey! Hey! Yeah! Manchester! Yeah!

469. - What are you doing? - Cut! Stop. Cut.

470. What are you doing?

471. Okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I can only apologise for that. I'm very, very sorry.

472. Naboo, what the hell are you playing at?

473. Oh! Ow!

474. You can't use the P-word. There's loads of girls and it's sexist.

475. Yeah.

476. Please stop it. He said that.

477. You've changed, Naboo.

478. Oh!

479. Is that clock big enough?

480. Yeah, it doubles up as a Frisbee.

481. If someone wants to know the time, they go, "Hey, Bollo, what's the time?"

482. And I go... And they go...

483. Three o'clock.

484. Yeah. What if it's not 3:00?

485. Um... It's...

486. It's always 3:00.

487. - Hey, Bollo, what's that over there? - What?

488. - Look, it's five to three. - No!

489. No! It's 3:00.

490. Three o'clock.

491. It's a good idea. I like it.

492. I know. I'm going to take it on Dragons' Den.

493. Yeah. Frisbee Clock.

494. I'd love to see you on Dragons' Den.

495. I hate those smug wankers.

496. It'd be brilliant. They'd be like, “No, I'm not going to invest in Frisbee Clock."

497. And then you'd just shit on the floor, pull their arms out of their sockets.

498. - Yeah. We'll go next week, yeah? - Yeah, okay.

499. It's not as simple as that but yeah, I'll make a few calls.

500. What the hell do you think you're doing?

501. Apart from dressing up as our dad in the late '70s.

502. It's the first line.

503. Are you out of your mind?

504. - Look, this is the way I roll now, innit? - Is it?

505. It's the way you roll?

506. What, like a Bollywood kiwi fruit?

507. What are you doing? You're like a pimped-up Jack of Clubs.

508. You stopped me mid-flow. You can't be doing that.

509. Oh? What are you going to do about it?

510. Maybe I'll turn my back on you.

511. Yeah. Hmm? Feel the power of that?

512. - Yeah, that's nice. - Let that be a lesson to you.

513. 1 will.

514. I like...

515. I like the way that you lift your little legs up as Bollo spins you round.

516. Like you're seven on a roundabout.

517. "Push me, Daddy!"

518. Don't listen to him, don't listen to him.

519. - Let's get out of here, come on. - Okay.

520. It's like dealing with the Chuckle Brothers. What's happening now?

521. I'm really sorry, Naboo, but I think you might have flooded the engine.

522. Did you put diesel in it again?

523. I get all the colours mixed up. I don't really know what I'm doing.

524. Just jump-start it, you batty crease.

525. Okay, okay.

526. Yeah! Naboo! Yeah!

527. That's something you don't see very often, a wizard calling a gorilla a batty crease.

528. That's gotta be worth the ticket price alone.

529. You ready for your next guest?

530. Oh! It's the alabaster simpleton, it's the Moon!

531. Neil Armstrong is famous for walking on the Moon.

532. Buzz Aldrin is famous for walking on the Moon.

533. But the third spaceman, he is called Michael Collins.

534. And no one really knows who he is.

535. So I would like to readdress the balance and do a poem for Michael Collins.

536. Hey!

537. Woo! Ha ha.

538. Hey, comedy glasses!

539. A bit of fun. Okay. Now...

540. Be serious now.

541. What's the matter? Come on, let me dream.

542. Now, some people say the corduroy look, the oval patches, it's not a sexy look.

543. I beg to differ.

544. Yeah.

545. Feel the sexual power of my elbows this evening.

546. You liking that? Yeah, I'm gonna take you out for a ploughman's later.

547. Now, this next guest is an incredible man.

548. When people say someone's out of this world,

549. in his case it's literally true, 'cause he's from the planet Zuboron.

550. So would you please welcome Mr Tony Harrison!

551. Oh!

552. Yes!

553. Manchester, how are you doing?

554. Oh! Shit, yeah.

555. Look at your little faces.

556. Oh, all your little heads all going back in sequence.

557. It's like a Guess Who board.

558. If everyone with a goatee beard and glasses could lean forward...

559. I'll get an erection.

560. Oh!

561. I've got me own little sub-section in the show,

562. me own little slot.

563. Some people call it a slot,

564. I prefer to call it the H-man's powerful nugget,

565. shooting into your eyes like an owl pellet at midnight.

566. Ohh, outrage.

567. I had a brilliant week this week, Manchester. I have had a brilliant week.

568. Yeah.

569. In fact, that's not really true, me wife left me.

570. Aww!

571. I know, I've had a fucking shocker.

572. Imagine that, Mrs Harrison and me, we've been together for 90 years.

573. Mrs Harrison, the former Miss Venezuela 1951.

574. The worst of it is, do you know how I found out?

575. Do you know how I found out, Manchester?

576. I rolled over in the night to spoon her, no one there.

577. You might be thinking, "How does a man of your stature spoon someone?"

578. I clip onto the back of the head like a hearing aid.

579. I find it does the same job.

580. So I thought I'd come on tour with the Boosh boys,

581. try and get myself a foxy lady.

582. Oh, that was about the same cheer as Kings of Leon got.

583. And I've got a bum for a head. Point to the H-man.

584. How you doing, love? You all right?

585. I've got eight tentacles.

586. And a small penis.

587. Although it does fold away and glow in the dark.

588. A boon on the planet I come from.

589. Ohh, outrage.

590. Maybe later on we could go for a little walk up to Afflecks Palace?

591. See if we can't buy a second-hand coat that smells of piss?

592. Maybe after that we could go in for a little cappuccino.

593. Oh, shit, sorry.

594. Yeah. We got it.

595. Love it in here.

596. Yeah, fuck off, I'm inside a chair.

597. Once you lose your stance in here, you're fucked, I tell you.

598. It's like a medieval torture device.

599. Feel like a little pink spider going down the plug hole.

600. They always come back, though, don't they?

601. You think you're Clint Eastwood with your shower, didn't you?

602. Showering them away. "Take that!"

603. Five minutes later, "I'm back!

604. "Did I miss anything? Did you Sky+ it?"

605. No, I have really fucking lost my stance.

606. Oh, fuck, the whole thing's moving. Now I'm like Davros.

607. I've turned into Doctor Who.

608. Where's that weaselly-looking Scottish bloke?

609. Oh, I mean David Tennant, sorry.

610. That will be cut out of the DVD, in case I ever meet him.

611. "I like weasels, David. No offence, man."

612. This is ludicrous.

613. I feel like I'm on magic mushrooms in the World of Leather.

614. It's an outrage! - What?

615. I've got very small ears, like a starling.

616. It's an outrage!

617. It is an outrage.

618. It's a chair rage.

619. - I've fallen through... It's an outrage!

620. Again, it is an outrage.

621. Just verifying that with a follow-up heckle.

622. That was the heckle, this one's just to verify that we've all agreed it is an outrage.

623. When I thought I'd do the character of Tony Harrison,

624. I thought, "What wonderful theatrical techniques will we be harnessing

625. "to bring to life the small pink character of Tony Harrison?

626. "What wonderful theatrical techniques there'll be on offer."

627. "Basically, mate, we're hollowing out a fucking armchair,

628. "you're getting inside it wearing a pink swimming hat."

629. They had to borrow this chair off Ronnie Corbett.

630. It still smells of his yellow golf trousers.

631. Not in a bad way, like Persil, not ball sweat.

632. Now, ladies and gentlemen, I've got me stance back,

633. and I've got a little surprise guest for you.

634. See, I've got a slot within the main slot and this guy's got a slot within my slot.

635. Imagine that, it's like Russian dolls.

636. Ohh, outrage. We are on outrage time, I'll tell you.

637. This guy is incredible. He's got no specific showbiz skills,

638. but he has got a lot of energy.

639. He's looking to try his hand at stand-up.

640. He's all the way from Lithuania,

641. I know you're gonna love him, I know you'll make him feel warm.

642. Here he comes onto the stage, my wife's left me,

643. here he is, it's Krakow!

644. Manchester!

645. Hey!

646. Grip!

647. Hey, Harrison.

648. Oh. Little tramp.

649. Grip!

650. DVD? DVD.

651. Goonies. Pretty Woman. China Syndrome. Ghost Dad. Ghost Dad?

652. Yeah!

653. Nico! Nico!

654. Nico!

655. Nico? Nico?

656. Nico...

657. Grip! Grip!

658. Grip!

659. There he is.

660. Krakow. A shining beacon of light in a sea of mediocrity.

661. With a catch-phrase like "Grip!" what can go wrong?

662. Ladies and gentlemen, that's been my slot.

663. I hope you enjoyed it, I'll see you again next time, Manchester!

664. Hello?

665. Hello? Is anyone there? Oh, for fuck's sake!

666. Bollo! Bollo! Bollo!

667. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm late. I'm sorry I'm late.

668. Someone's been messing with my clock!

669. What are you doing? You're supposed to take me off

670. during the theme tune, you hairy retard.

671. I know, I know, calm down. I'm pushing you off now.

672. What are you doing now? Jerking me all over the shop.

673. You know I suffer from motion sickness.

674. The wheels are all weird. It's got a mind of its own.

675. It's like a bloody shopping trolley.

676. Have you put the brakes on?

677. Brakes? What fucking brakes? It's an armchair, mate.

678. You're useless, just get me off.

679. Are you, uh, are you having a bad time in there?

680. Difficult costume? Uncomfortable? Hot?

681. Yeah. Yeah. Welcome to my flippin' world, mate.

682. Oh, for God's sake!

683. I might as well leap down there, mightn't I, like a pink lychee and roll off,

684. - the time you're taking! - Look!

685. I said I'll do you a favour and push you off stage,

686. it's not my fault that the wheels are up the creek.

687. Pipe it down a bit of all your little back chat

688. 'cause you're gonna get a pretty bad feeling about something in a minute.

689. - Oh, really? - Yeah.

690. So what are you saying? You want a piece of me, monkey man?

691. - What? - You'd better be careful.

692. - You know? You'd better be careful, son. - A piece of you?

693. I'm a black belt!

694. - Black belt? - Yes.

695. You haven't even got a waist.

696. I don't need a waist, I tie it round me head like Ralph Macchio in The Karate Kid.

697. Not only am I supremely good at fighting, the chicks dig me.

698. - You know what? - What?

699. - I've had enough. - Oh, have you?

700. - You want a piece of me? - Be careful.

701. - You really want a go? - I know pressure points

702. that will make you shit yourself, monkey man.

703. - All right, let's have it. - Let's go!

704. - Let's go! - Little knuckle rub.

705. I've had enough of you, Harrison. I really have had enough!

706. An outraaage!

707. The Romans, they call me Luna.

708. And the Greeks, they call me Selene.

709. And the ancient Egyptians, they call me Isis,

710. but my mate Jeff, he calls me floating white piece of shit.

711. Howdy, crowdy. How you doing?

712. Answer me or I'll hurt you real bad.

713. Only joking, I'm a funny fox.

714. Woo-hoo!

715. Fun times, on a banjo.

716. I'm a funny, funny, funny, little banjo-playing fox.

717. And I hurt people.

718. How are you doing in the front row? You good?

719. Yeah. - Okay.

720. Can you smell me? I done a tummy shame.

721. You, er, where are you from, front row?

722. Don't be afraid to answer me, I'm in a bin.

723. Where are you from?

724. You better answer me soon.

725. I'm gonna come to where you live and take pictures of you while you're sleeping.

726. Never mind, we'll move on, I'm only joking. Hee-hee! Fun times!

727. Fiddle dee do, fiddly dee, fiddly do, fiddly dee, fiddly...

728. die!

729. Oh, me arm's bent strangely.

730. Oh, it's all gone wrong.

731. Oh!

732. Now my nose has come loose.

733. Oh!

734. I'm a foxy shambles.

735. I used to be a strong little fox.

736. It went wrong because I wanted to seek my fortune in the bright lights in the big city.

737. Yeah. I wanted to be like Michael J Fox.

738. Get it?

739. I don't.

740. Oh, fun times.

741. I set out for the city, yeah, with a hope and a dream.

742. And I got there, it was the early '90s, it was...

743. I snuck into a sort of alleyway behind a nightclub,

744. I snuck into a bin

745. and I could hear the music coming through the walls of the nightclub.

746. So I used to sneak in,

747. sneak in under cover of darkness through a cat-flap.

748. It's a sad tale.

749. - Oh, that's me.

750. It's a sad tale, indeed. Yeah.

751. Ooh, slightly out of tune. Here we go.

752. I would dance between the feet of the humans there all night long,

753. grooving my fox booty. Ooh yeah.

754. And then I would see things on the floor, little pills people dropped,

755. I would snuff them straight up my snout, yeah.

756. Snuffed so many things up my snout, my nose came loose.

757. Good times, fun times.

758. But then,

759. it all went wrong because the drugs made me go funny.

760. Yes, indeed. And I was no longer welcome in the nightclub, they threw me out.

761. Threw me into the alleyway and I crawled back into my bin,

762. and I became the thing you see before you now.

763. But I still have my dreams, when I was queen of the dance floor.

764. ♪ Gotta get up, gotta get up, gotta get up

765. ♪ Shake, shake, shake it baby

766. ♪ Gotta get up, gotta get up, gotta get up

767. ♪ Shake, shake, shake it baby

768. Woo-hoo-hoo! Yeah!

769. Ladies and gentlemen,

770. please welcome to the stage,

771. to end the first half of the show,

772. the king of calamity,

773. the baron of butchery, the Hoxton Rapist,

774. the one, the only, the Hitcher!

775. Oh!

776. Oh, Manchester!

777. Look at the fucking state of you lot, you noncebags.

778. It's like an Edvard Munch sketchbook out there.

779. How you doing? You all right?

780. Let's have a little look at you, let's come down there.

781. Oh, crikey, me old back! I might not make it, love.

782. So, if I do fall down and pass away slowly,

783. put this top hat on and start abusing people, will you?

784. Oh, crikey!

785. What am I talking about? I've got me second here.

786. Me stunt double. Look at him.

787. Poor fucking guy, he's coming to take over.

788. I'm like Saddam Hussein,

789. I've got nine fucking itches all round the country.

790. To confuse people.

791. How are you doing out there, you all right?

792. Eels! Eels! Eels!

793. Eels!

794. My sentiment exactly. You've got an eel, have you?

795. Oh, pass that over here, I need that for the... Lovely.

796. Look at that. Look at that.

797. That is one of the weakest renditions of a fucking eel I've ever seen in my life.

798. Look, look, that's like a long sock puppet.

799. If you saw that coming towards you in the Thames,

800. well, you'd be nonplussed.

801. What was that? What was that? I heard something out of the corner.

802. I might be a bit Mutt and Jeff, but I can hear when someone's insulting me green form.

803. Fuck off!

804. "Fuck off."

805. Imagine how weak the show will be if I fuck off.

806. Imagine what an improvement it'll be if you do.

807. Oh, yeah.

808. How are you doing? Come on, give us a sip of this.

809. It's alcoholic, is it? Mmm, there you go, love.

810. Go on, you have a sip, get yourself some herpes.

811. If that's not the most frightening thing you've ever seen, love.

812. Oh, crikey. Little high-five, mate, little high-five?

813. I don't think so.

814. I don't high-five people and I'll tell you why.

815. 'Cause I'm fucking English, that's why!

816. I ain't a septic tank, am 1?

817. I'm from Bethnal Green. I don't high-five people.

818. I went to LA, I went to Los Angeles, they're all trying to high-five me.

819. "Oh, little high-five, little high-five." "Do you want a high-five?"

820. I'm like, "High-five? Fuck off, mate."

821. High-five. They go like that, though, it's pretty handy.

822. As they lift their arm up...

823. Stanley knife 'em in the belly.

824. Oh! Pull out their liver, get their pancreas, put it in me back pocket,

825. get home, flog 'em on eBay.

826. Here we go, back up here... Oh! Me old knees!

827. Jesus, I'm having a series of mini-strokes.

828. Running round now I felt like Jimmy Savile finishing off a marathon.

829. Phillip, he was well-behaved tonight, weren't you, Phil?

830. Usually he rapes the entire audience. Don't you, Phillip?

831. He's a terrifying rapist.

832. His little back beak penetrating your anus.

833. The rape joke's funny, I worked out they're quite funny

834. if it's a crow what's doing the raping.

835. If it's a man doing the raping, you're treading on thin ice.

836. If it's this little character bumming the life out of you,

837. who's gonna complain?

838. Oh, look, it's an elbow patch. Lovely.

839. There you go, Phillip. Let's put you down here.

840. Little elbow patch, you can use that as a leather condom,

841. for when you go about your raping business.

842. That way you won't get anyone preggers.

843. All right, ladies and gentlemen?

844. What I propose to do now is set fire to you, love.

845. I'm only joking, we ain't got time.

846. What I propose to do is end the first half with a little bit of music!

847. Oh, that is right, a little bit of live music, Manchester!

848. We're bringing out a little bit of live music, we need a live band, don't we?

849. Let me introduce you to my live band, the Ungrateful Dead!

850. Here they are.

851. Look at them revolving round like a pair of nincompoops.

852. It's time to get dark on their arses.

853. Oh, Manchester!

854. I've come here to tell you about some evil business.

855. Going on down Bethnal Green way.

856. I ain't talking about rape and murder, love.

857. Although those things can be quite amusing on a wet Wednesday afternoon.

858. Beat the fuck out of Jenga.

859. I ain't talking about bestiality.

860. Although I did once did get a hand-job off a millipede.

861. "Happy never-ending”, he called it.

862. I also used a step-ladder once to finger-bang a giraffe.

863. Although that's another story for another time.

864. No, I've come here to talk about Satan's black tubes of doom.

865. Lucifer's onyx wangers in the night.

866. That's right, my friends.

867. The Piper twins. There's three of them.

868. Criminals, every last one of them. They're very light on their feet.

869. All right, boys, bring it down.

870. Phillip's got a migraine. Reckons he's got a fucker behind the beak.

871. I hate that geezer.

872. What are you looking at?

873. Get this shit out of my way.

874. All right, boys, let's take it to 'em.

875. I'm eel surfing!

876. But now I'm nu-rave, Manchester!

877. Hey! Where you from?

878. Yeah.

879. Dangerous umber.

880. Now, we've had some fun in the first half.

881. It's time for that to end, okay? Because this where we get serious.

882. I've written a very serious play.

883. It's about the environment and it's about the future of the planet

884. and it's going to get pretty dark,

885. I'm going to be dropping some truth bombs tonight.

886. That's right, yeah, strap in, I'm going to be shooting out some truth lets

887. with my truzi. Pow!

888. So just strap in.

889. Now, eh, yeah, I want to alert you to a few...

890. I'm going to be doing some very powerful acting within the piece, actually, uh...

891. You know, portraying many emotions.

892. Grief.

893. Thank you. Surprise.

894. Thank you. That's just two of a possible six.

895. Yeah, I want to alert you to a few facts before we get into the meat of the piece.

896. The ice caps are melting, we know this

897. but since we've been on stage this very evening, 40 seals have died.

898. Forty-one. I'm going as fast as I can, Moon, all right?

899. Okay? Geez. Okay? All right?

900. You got a grip on me? You feeling me? Huh?

901. Fuck you.

902. Bob Fossil, there he is.

903. What a dick.

904. Now, um, Vince should be with us momentarily,

905. he's just putting the finishing touches to his hair.

906. There he is.

907. Level 4.

908. Jacquettie. Jacquettie. Jacquettie. Jacquettie.

909. Because you want your head to look like a black hill.

910. Jacquettie.

911. Can you just stop doing that in the show, please?

912. - Stop doing adverts in the show. - Why?

913. I'm trying to do a serious introduction to the play and you're doing adverts.

914. You should be ashamed of yourself, okay?

915. Come on, we've all done stuff we're not proud of.

916. Not me, my slate is clean. I like to keep it that way, sir.

917. Really?

918. - Your slate's clean? - That's right, sir.

919. Well, it's funny that you should say that 'cause I was rummaging

920. - through your bedroom last night... - What?

921. and I happened upon a certain "jazz magazine".

922. Yeah? I like jazz, what's the problem? Where did you find that?

923. In the lining of your trumpet case.

924. That's some pretty intense rifling, isn't it?

925. - I used to work for the FBI. - Right.

926. - Yeah, well, I can explain that, okay? - Oh, really?

927. Yeah, well, that was an advert in a shop window.

928. It said, "Jazz musician wanted for photo shoot."

929. So, I took my trombone, I thought this is my big break,

930. I went down there, the guy seemed nice, gave me a cup of tea,

931. it tasted a bit weird and the rest is a blur. Okay?

932. So it wasn't... It wasn't my fault, Vince.

933. That was a porn shoot of a jazz theme, you berk.

934. Yeah, I know that now, you know, but I was young. Let's move on, okay?

935. - Young? - Yeah.

936. It was after the second series.

937. Can we just not talk about it in front of 3,000 people?

938. Please, it's embarrassing to me.

939. What are you doing out here anyway dressed like Ming the Merciless?

940. I'm an actor, okay? It's what we wear.

941. You look like an owl.

942. Imagine if my head went all the way around,

943. that would be some mother fucking theatre right there.

944. Yeah, t-wit t-wat!

945. Pow!

946. Oh!

947. Ooh!

948. - Yeah. - That was good.

949. You witnessed a beautiful moment, Manchester.

950. Howard Moon's first comeback.

951. Point to the brown Dalek.

952. Feel the power of my savage teak.

953. That was a teak-attack.

954. - Okay, now, I mean... - A chicken tikka-tack?

955. Masala. Now...

956. - I'm trying to introduce the play, okay? So... - Yeah.

957. I need to talk to you about that, actually. Me and Leroy, he was there last night as well,

958. rifling through all your stuff.

959. When you went out, we were rifling through all your stuff

960. we found a script for the play.

961. And we had a little look at it, and, um,

962. Leroy has flagged up a few problems with it.

963. It's not his business to flag up problems in my work.

964. - It kind of is his business. - It isn't his business.

965. Well, he has got a small business.

966. Problem flagger-upper.

967. He's got a little van and a series of flags, if he sees a problem he runs in.

968. Huh! Wuh! Hey!

969. Yeah, that's nice.

970. Um, I've had enough of this, okay, you and Leroy...

971. I have an idea and you and Leroy come in and put the mockers on my ideas.

972. - What are you doing this for? - What do you mean?

973. Why do you do this?

974. We're just saving you from yourself, Howard.

975. - Huh? - If it wasn't for us, where would you be?

976. In a shopping centre in Leeds with wee in your trousers.

977. If I remember, selling Batman capes.

978. £2 your Batman cape. £2 your Batman cape.

979. I don't know what you're talking about.

980. £2 your Batman cape. £2 your Batman cape.

981. £2 your Batman cape. £2, sir.

982. £2, help, help me.

983. Help me!

984. I don't know what you're talking about.

985. Did Johnny Vegas to do that voice over?

986. Look, the thing is, Howard, right,

987. me and Leroy, we're not saying you can't do your play.

988. - Oh, thank you. Thank you. - That's okay.

989. We're not saying you can't do it,

990. we're just saying you might have to incorporate some of my ideas.

991. Your ideas? It's a play about the future. What are your ideas about the future, Vince?

992. - A lot of silver. - Right.

993. - Maybe a dancing robot? - No. That's not happening, okay?

994. - What? Have you seen Barbarella? - That's not what we're doing.

995. Yeah, we're not doing that tonight.

996. It's not going to be science fiction, it's going to be science faction.

997. Ow! That is truth let number one.

998. Okay? It's gonna get dark and apocalyptic tonight.

999. Gonna be some dark theatre,

1000. darker than anything even Mel Gibson could dream up, okay?

1001. What, darker than What Women Want?

1002. Not quite as dark as that but, you know, pretty dark.

1003. - I was gonna say. - Yeah?

1004. - So, can you deal with that? - All right.

1005. - I'm going to get into character. - Okay.

1006. - Suggest you do the same. - Yeah.

1007. My play, you can be in it. That's the way it works.

1008. Are you gonna go and get your eyebrows put on a bit higher?

1009. Yeah, that's rich coming from one of the Queen's Guards.

1010. - Now... - Howard?

1011. It's not my fault, okay?

1012. That looks like a black McDonald's sign.

1013. - It's not my fault. - What do you mean?

1014. - The make-up woman put them on too high. - You fell out with the make-up woman.

1015. I didn't fall out with her.

1016. Let's not go there. Right.

1017. - My play, you can be in it. - Okay.

1018. - My play, my ideas, enjoy. Thank you. - Cool.

1019. We'll see about that. Just got to return this to Amy Winehouse.

1020. Howard Moon presents a play by Howard Moon.

1021. Starring, you've guessed it, Howard Moon...

1022. Over the Moon!

1023. Shut up.

1024. And the Howard Moon Players

1025. in a startlingly truthful and apocalyptic dramatic vision

1026. entitled simply No Future.

1027. Earth, 2009.

1028. See her spin.

1029. See her spinning,

1030. oblivious in her orbit.

1031. Nobody noticed the signs.

1032. News bulletin. Twenty seven people died in a major flood today...

1033. Freak winds blew away a school bus today in the small town of Hungerford Green...

1034. Hosepipe bands were enforced all across the country today

1035. in what has become the hottest summer on record.

1036. Hottest summer on record. Hottest summer on record.

1037. Enough!

1038. And it rained blood in Gloucestershire.

1039. Enough.

1040. Nobody noticed the signs.

1041. They were being kept happy with distractions,

1042. distractions force-fed them by the corporations.

1043. Cappuccinos, lattes, reality TV, fashion,

1044. popular music.

1045. Amidst the fog of distractions, one man's vision remained clear,

1046. one man saw through that fog.

1047. A simple carpenter stroke jazz musician,

1048. he saw what was wrong, he tried to tell people.

1049. They called him a crackpot.

1050. You're a crackpot.

1051. Thanks.

1052. They called him a crackpot, a fool, an idiot, a batty crease.

1053. They drove him into hiding.

1054. They drove him high up

1055. into hiding, it was there high up on the roof of Big Ben

1056. that he watched as the apocalypse began.

1057. First came the fire.

1058. I am fire.

1059. Then came the floods.

1060. I am flood.

1061. Fire and flood raging across the face of the Earth.

1062. - Oh, I'm raging. - I'm flooding.

1063. Oh! Screaming, chaos, apocalypse!

1064. I am chaos! Terror!

1065. Was that too much?

1066. Oh, my God, please, somebody help us.

1067. - Too late. - Please, somebody help us.

1068. - Too, too late. - Oh, shit.

1069. The waters rose, covering the face of poor Mrs Earth in a veil of salty tears.

1070. Then...

1071. the Earth lay in pieces.

1072. And all there was was silence.

1073. Silence across the face of the now broken Earth.

1074. Silence.

1075. I am silence. - What are you doing?

1076. - Shh. - No, Vince.

1077. - Vince, no. - Shh.

1078. - Vince. - What?

1079. We're not doing that bit. We've rewritten that bit. Get off.

1080. Well, it's still in my script, you prick.

1081. And all there was after the seas receded was a landscape

1082. of garbage as far as the eye could see. Just garbage.

1083. Garbage.

1084. The ice caps melted and then,

1085. on the 4th of June at 3:92 pm,

1086. future time,

1087. a giant iceberg came floating down the Thames.

1088. On it were 400 polar bears.

1089. They were ravenous.

1090. They hadn't eaten for weeks, they killed everything in their sight.

1091. Picture the scene, Islington, the docks...

1092. Cor blimey, look at that, it's a bleeding big white polar bear,

1093. smack bang in the heart of old London town,

1094. who would have thought it?

1095. Must be all that global warming they've been talking about.

1096. You're giving Dick Van Dyke a run for his money.

1097. Let's go and investigate, shall we?

1098. - Bit of a laugh, innit? - Oh, bit of a laugh.

1099. Behold your terrible doom!

1100. Ha-ha!

1101. Hi! Hi there, little whitey.

1102. He's ripped me face clean off.

1103. Oh, that is well racist.

1104. Imagine that, 400 times.

1105. Oh, bit of a laugh, innit? Bit of a laugh.

1106. - Little bit of a laugh. - Get off.

1107. Only one man survived. Only one.

1108. The one they called Crackpot.

1109. When the floods came, only he had the vision to move to higher ground.

1110. When the fires came, only he had the knowledge

1111. to wear a protective corduroy jacket.

1112. When the bears came, I'm pretty sure he hid in a barrel with wee in his trousers.

1113. - Selling Batman capes. - Oi. Excuse me, Vince.

1114. "£2 your Batman cape!"

1115. - What? - What are you doing?

1116. Oh! What are you doing? I can see your testicles.

1117. Get in the wings, will you?

1118. The man descended from his hiding place, carefully.

1119. Down, down into the wasteland that was once the green fields of Earth.

1120. He strode through the death and destruction and the ashes,

1121. searching for survivors.

1122. Calling out for somebody, anybody.

1123. Hello!

1124. Hello!

1125. This is fucking theatre.

1126. There was nobody.

1127. Nobody at all, until... Melinda.

1128. Melinda was an old shop dummy

1129. that had somehow survived the apocalyptic fire blasts.

1130. Her body was a broom handle,

1131. but she was the most beautiful woman in the world.

1132. It was the only woman in the world.

1133. Ah, Melinda, what have you seen with your eyes?

1134. ♪ Hopes and dreams Why, Melinda?

1135. But Melinda said nothing.

1136. She was just an old shop dummy,

1137. her body a broom handle, and the man realised that he was alone.

1138. Utterly, utterly alone.

1139. Or was he?

1140. Who are you?

1141. Show yourselves, I'm not afraid. Who are you?

1142. We don't know what we are.

1143. We are hideous. We are ashamed.

1144. No, we don't know what we are.

1145. Are we James Mason?

1146. - What? - All the best men shave twice a day.

1147. All the best men shave twice a day.

1148. All the best men shave twice a day.

1149. Get off. Shut up.

1150. Oh, he hasn't shaved.

1151. Why are you speaking like this?

1152. Oh, we learned to speak English through the DVD with James Mason in it.

1153. - It was all we had, really. - That and Herbie Goes Bananas.

1154. - Are you Herbie? - No.

1155. - Are you Herbie? - Are you Herbie?

1156. - No, I'm not Herbie! - Are you Herbie?

1157. - No. - Oh, he's gone bananas.

1158. I'm not Herbie.

1159. - Who are you? - Who am 1?

1160. I am the last man on Earth.

1161. Are you the chosen one?

1162. The chosen one, you say?

1163. Yes, it is written

1164. that a man from the north would lead us to salvation.

1165. Are you from the north?

1166. I am from Leeds.

1167. That's not gone down well.

1168. Um, what is Leeds?

1169. Leeds is a state of mind.

1170. He is the chosen one. He must be.

1171. - He must be the chosen one. - He came from the north.

1172. Yes. All right, all right.

1173. Yes, okay. Shut up! Shut up!

1174. Mutant freaks.

1175. Why are we freaks? Who made us this way?

1176. The corporations.

1177. McDonald's. River Island.

1178. Greggs the Baker. Halfords. Starbucks.

1179. - Cappuccino? - I'll have a latte.

1180. - Americana. Could I just use your toilet?

1181. You can't win the race, Herbie, if you don't have any tyres.

1182. You've been brainwashed.

1183. Brainwashed by the corporations, you poor, misguided fools.

1184. That's very interesting. Who is this?

1185. Can you put that down, please? That's Melinda, leave her.

1186. Have you kept a funny dummy to keep you company?

1187. No, no. Can you just leave her alone?

1188. - What did you say her name was? - Melinda. Leave her alone, will you?

1189. Oh, I see what's going on here, lads.

1190. He's a dummy fucker.

1191. - Dummy bum my. Dummy bum my. - Dummy fucker.

1192. - Dummy Bummy. - Oh, dummy fucker.

1193. Dummy bum-bum.

1194. Sorry, can we... Can we just get back on script, please?

1195. - Dummy bum-bum. - Can we get back on script?

1196. - Dummy bum my, bum-bum. - Can we get back on script?

1197. But I feel so free now that I'm off the script.

1198. Wheee!

1199. Yes, now that we're off script we can see how badly written it is.

1200. Yeah.

1201. Yeah, the main character is awful.

1202. It's fun off script. Wheee!

1203. - Off script. Off script. - Let's dance, dance.

1204. Get back on the script! Get back on the script!

1205. Get back on the script!

1206. You can only break the rules when you know the rules, god damn you.

1207. Excuse me, who'll teach us the rules?

1208. I shall.

1209. Who is I shall?

1210. I shall.

1211. Oh. Fair enough.

1212. - Oh, master? - Yes?

1213. You are so handsome, so strong and so powerful.

1214. Okay, we're back on script.

1215. I shall teach you the new rules.

1216. Not the old rules that worked against the world

1217. but the new rules that will work with her.

1218. Gather round.

1219. Not you, Colin Anus.

1220. I shall teach you the new rules of recycling.

1221. Listen up. By siphoning sewage water through my beard 15 times,

1222. I can produce a nourishing brew. Taste.

1223. Mmm, tastes like minge.

1224. - No, seriously, it does. - Yeah, all right.

1225. By... Shut up.

1226. By compressing my waste product

1227. into cube-like structures, I can make a rudimentary brick.

1228. And if I can make a brick, I can make a house.

1229. - Oh, shit-bricks. - Yeah.

1230. Listen up.

1231. Oh, what is that,

1232. that scratchy-scratch-scratch in my ear panels?

1233. That is music.

1234. Oh, music.

1235. Listen up and learn, my mutant brethren.

1236. ♪ You take a brick

1237. ♪ You put it down

1238. ♪ Pretty soon

1239. ♪ You've got a town

1240. ♪ You've got a town

1241. ♪ You've built a town

1242. The mutant community flourished, with the man at their helm.

1243. He taught them everything he knew, everything of the old world,

1244. everything that was good.

1245. - Um, master? - Yes.

1246. Although four and a half hours long,

1247. I found your lecture on the haunting soprano of Kenny G

1248. to be entertaining and informative.

1249. Well, don't forget part two of that lecture is this very evening, my friend.

1250. Uh, I'm a little busy, actually.

1251. - Where are you going? - Costume change.

1252. - Don't forget to recycle those pamphlets! - Don't forget to fuck off.

1253. - Master? - Yes?

1254. This saxophone that you fashioned from a recycled watering can.

1255. - Yes? - I'm having a little trouble with the fingering.

1256. Show me.

1257. - I just can't seem to... - Yes.

1258. You're not gripping it correctly. You need to use a tighter embouchure.

1259. Let me demonstrate. It's quite simple. Ahem.

1260. The man... Oh, Christ.

1261. Had a quick shave.

1262. The man blew so hard on his recycled sax that his very beard came off.

1263. That's how a powerful jazz musician he was.

1264. And now, the 400 Rules of Recycling.

1265. Number one. Soil.

1266. More precious than gold, more...

1267. Sorry. Can you cut that music, please? Not in the script.

1268. Soil, more precious than...

1269. Precious than gold. Hello?

1270. Howard Moon thought he was the last man on Earth, the jerk-off.

1271. There was another, a girl-boy, a he-she, part man, part unicorn.

1272. When the Apocalypse struck London, he was safely tucked up inside

1273. the Jean-Claude Jacquettie Tanning Coffin!

1274. - Where are you? - It saved his life.

1275. He travelled through the star-dappled galaxy...

1276. looking for sexy alien action and fun, fun times.

1277. He looked around at Howard Moon's bleak vision of the future

1278. and decided to glam things up a little.

1279. Black clocks literally flew everywhere. Even the Moon joined in.

1280. Flippin hell, look at me, I'm all glammed up. I'm like the Thin White Moon.

1281. You absolute tit-box.

1282. How dare you!

1283. I'm in the middle, I'm at the climax of my play, yeah?

1284. The 400 Rules Of Recycling,

1285. you come and you crash in it with this sort of shit.

1286. What is it? What are you playing at?

1287. I am Sun flash.

1288. I am from the future.

1289. Yeah, I'm from the future. That's what the whole play is about.

1290. - Yeah, I'm the last man on Earth. Hello! - Oh, really?

1291. I beg to differ. I am from the future.

1292. Yeah. Sorry, what is that accent all about, please?

1293. - It's a mixture of Chinese and chav. - Right.

1294. I call it Chavese.

1295. - Yeah... - I think that everyone will be doing it

1296. in the future.

1297. - Yeah, really? - Yiss.

1298. "Yiss"?

1299. Yiss.

1300. Well, that's South African, isn't it?

1301. - Yiss. - Yes.

1302. - There's a bit of that thrown in as well. - Right. Okay.

1303. I don't know what you're doing here, um, you know,

1304. it seems like you're obviously having a lot of fun,

1305. but it's nothing to do with me or my play so I'll say goodnight.

1306. Howard Moon tried to leave Sunflash's beautiful vision of the future.

1307. But he was reminded of a photo shoot he did when he was younger.

1308. No, what are you doing?

1309. Get that off! Get it off! Turn it off! Get it off!

1310. That is just the cover. Don't make me show them what is in the centre.

1311. All right, okay. What do you want me to do?

1312. - We'll do my play. - Yeah, good idea. Let's do it.

1313. - Yeah, get my script. - Right.

1314. Thanks.

1315. "Who are you, handsome electronic warrior from the future?”

1316. This is written in crayon.

1317. - Say the next line. It's a good one. - "Robots. Robots.

1318. "Robots. I dream of robots. Gay robots.

1319. "When I'm in my tiny beddy-bed.

1320. "Do you have any robots in your spacecraft, O mighty legged one?"

1321. Yiss.

1322. Introducing Booblay!

1323. I am Booblay. I am a futuristic pleasurebot.

1324. I am programmed to poke and suck off anything in sight.

1325. Look at Booblay, he's funny.

1326. "Why don't you sing a song about yourselves?

1327. "That sounds like a great idea."

1328. - That is a good idea! Yeah.

1329. Why don't you get in the costume I've laid out nicely for you?

1330. - Well, I'd rather just do the lines... - Howard, get in the costume.

1331. - Uh, I don't want to do the... - Howard, get in the costume.

1332. - I'd rather just do the lines. - Howard, get in the costume!

1333. - Can I just do the lines? - Howard, get in the costume!

1334. I just... I don't want to do the costume.

1335. - All right, I'll show them the centre. - No! No! Okay, all right!

1336. What are you laughing at? You don't understand anything.

1337. I fuck really old corn on the cob.

1338. Yeah, I hope you're happy, 'cause snot has come out of my nose.

1339. Booblay likes.

1340. - Let us sing a song. - Sing song.

1341. Ooh, we bum each other.

1342. Why can't I quit you?

1343. The only other remaining survivors of the planet gathered around

1344. to hear what was clearly their favourite song so far.

1345. Oh! What was that incredible music we were hearing?

1346. So much better than all the crap jazz we've had to listen to.

1347. - Saved that line for you especially. Who are you?

1348. I am Sun flash.

1349. And I am Booblay. I wanna do you like a burnt shepherd's pie.

1350. Where are you from?

1351. We are from Camden.

1352. It's in North London.

1353. He's from the north. From the north.

1354. He must be the chosen one. Chosen one.

1355. He's the chosen one. From the north.

1356. Yiss.

1357. Oh! I think you've got a line.

1358. Have I?

1359. Oh, yes. "He is the chosen one, definitely, not that other one.

1360. "He was just deluded corduroy batty crease.”

1361. I am the chosen one.

1362. And to prove this, I will use the last remaining resources

1363. from this planet, namely oil, and rub them into Booblay's rusty nips.

1364. Oh, boy!

1365. Sir, can I just interject at this point and just say you've gone a bit too far?

1366. Because, I mean it's all good fun what you're doing

1367. but you're sending out the wrong message to people, you know,

1368. I was trying to do a piece about the environment and you sort of...

1369. Are you asking me if you can rub it in?

1370. - No, no just that you... - Of course, you can.

1371. - Not exactly. Right. - Rub it in.

1372. - Oh, boy! - Rub it in.

1373. - I'm ready. - Yeah. All right.

1374. Ah! Oh, baby. Oh, yes.

1375. - Oh brilliant. Yeah, that's great. - Oh, boy!

1376. Ohhh!

1377. - Yeah. Get off me! - He likes you.

1378. - Don't put it in my hood! - He likes you.

1379. - Get away from me, will you? - Okay...

1380. In the future, we have tin foil erections.

1381. Yeah, what a brilliantly perceptive vision of the future that is.

1382. Oh...

1383. Make it go down. Think about jazz.

1384. K-Kenny G. Syphilis.

1385. Gordon Ramsay.

1386. Oh, master, you are so glamorous and yet we are so hideous.

1387. - We are ashamed. - Yeah, you're disgusting.

1388. Especially you. Your face is like vomit.

1389. Is it wrong to be ugly? - Yeah, it is wrong.

1390. But do not fear. I am your leader. We can have a mutant makeover.

1391. You, your face is all disintegrated from the nuclear rain.

1392. That is quite a strong look. I think I will put you in some silver.

1393. As for you, you've only got one eye.

1394. But do not worry, eye patches are all the rage this season.

1395. As for you, I don't even know what to do with you.

1396. You're a fiasco.

1397. I'm gonna have to use all my power and Booblay's power.

1398. Everybody, let's have a mutant catwalk!

1399. Now sing a song.

1400. And so Sun flash, the Golden Child, travelled through the star-dappled galaxy,

1401. finding mutant people and making them feel better about themselves with special fabrics.

1402. And the moral of the story was, the message was

1403. even if your head has been destroyed from nuclear fallout, learn to accessorise,

1404. everything will be okay with the aid of Jean-Claude Jacquettie.

1405. Is that your message? Yeah? Learn to accessorise?

1406. This has all been an advert for Jean-Claude Jacquettie, has it?

1407. That is bullshit, my friend. That is bullshite.

1408. - You've embarrassed yourself. - I've embarrassed myself?

1409. You know what I mean.

1410. Let me show you, Manchester, something embarrassing now.

1411. What? No.

1412. No!

1413. - No! Get it off. - Oh, baby! Oh, it's bad.

1414. - Pull the curtains! - Oh, no!

1415. - Pull the curtains! - Oh!

1416. Cricket, jazz, Sebastian Coe.

1417. You've gone too far, my friend. Too far. I bid you goodnight.

1418. Are you sponsored by Hovis?

1419. Can't get off stage that way.

1420. - What are you doing? - I'm going home.

1421. Come on. You can't leave. Don't be ridiculous.

1422. - You should have thought of that before. - Come on, I was just mucking about.

1423. I can't finish the show without you, you're the king of theatre.

1424. Don't patronise me.

1425. You are. You're the king of theatre.

1426. Do you know what they call you in Papua New Guinea?

1427. What?

1428. - What does that mean? - Tromboner.

1429. No, it doesn't. It doesn't. It means "king of theatre".

1430. Oh, come on, Howard. I can't finish the show without you.

1431. Do you remember in school we had to put on that school play?

1432. Do you remember? We were like five. I didn't do any work.

1433. I just rolled around in the bushes eating Pritt Stick.

1434. But you, you just came in at last minute.

1435. Kicked the door open, put on a play, absolutely stormed it.

1436. Who would have thought that anybody could have recreated Cocoon with lolly sticks?

1437. - It was actually quite good. - It was amazing.

1438. Yeah. Lead actor was a bit wooden.

1439. Ohhh!

1440. Okay. Good times.

1441. - All right. - Come on, Howard.

1442. You see, crimps make it all all right.

1443. Manchester, let's crimp it up!

1444. You ready for some hot crimp action?

1445. All right, then.

1446. Here we go now.

1447. Hey, hey! Yeah.

1448. Oh!

1449. Hey, I fuck old tube boxes.

1450. - Holy shit-pipes! - No!

1451. Oh! It's the yellow wanker!

1452. - Hold him! Hold him. I've got him. I've got him.

1453. - How dare you get involved in a crimp! - Yeah!

1454. Vince, bring forth the Jean-Claude Jacquettie 5000.

1455. - Turn it to Level 5! - Level 5!

1456. Ready! Aim! Fire!

1457. Hey, hey! Yeah!

1458. Yellow wanker.

1459. Death to the Honey Monster!

1460. Whoo!

1461. Thank you! You've been amazing. Thank you very much.

1462. - Oh, Manchester! - I love Manchester.

1463. Thanks for having us. You've been incredible. Cheers!

1464. Thank you. Goodnight!

1465. Thank you. See you again next time. Cheers! Thank you.

1466. Manchester!

1467. Nobody puts you in the corner.

1468. Oh! Oh! Oh!

1469. Keep dancing.

1470. Thank you! Thank you, Manchester.

1471. I'm afraid it's time to go because it's three o'clock.

1472. Bye-bye.

1473. Oh! Here he is.

1474. If it ain't black belt Tony Harrison.

1475. You all right, Manchester?

1476. Oh. All right, yellow shape?

1477. My wife's left me.

1478. You're a head, I'm a head.

1479. Maybe we should get it on.

1480. Ohhh!

1481. Oh, take it! Take it!

1482. Take it like you take other people's ideas, you plagiaristic yellow wanker!

1483. Ohhh!

1484. An outrage! An outrage! An outrage!

1485. Hello!

1486. Ohhh!

1487. Hello, Manchester. I'm Eleanor.

1488. And in case you didn't guess, I'm just a big old whore.

1489. Oh, yeah!

1490. I'd like to take each and every one of you home with me tonight.

1491. But there's just isn't enough time.

1492. So how about it, Manchester, if we just play a little Bingo instead?

1493. Is that okay?

1494. I didn't quite hear that.

1495. Oh, yeah. I'm gonna call out the first ball, y'all!

1496. Number 22. Number 22.

1497. I lost my virginity inside a canoe.

1498. Number 22.

1499. Oh!

1500. I throw like a girl. Don't grab.

1501. Oh, yeah. I'm gonna call out the next ball, y'all!

1502. Oh!

1503. Number 33. Watch this.

1504. It's two pairs of boobies!

1505. Oh!

1506. Oh, yeah.

1507. Oh, I kick like a girl, too.

1508. Next number. Number 4.

1509. The number of members of Oasis I've had in my vagina.

1510. Number 4.

1511. Oh!

1512. Liam turned me down.

1513. Next number.

1514. Number 666.

1515. Beelzebub, Lucifer, dweller of Hades.

1516. Also known as Nanageddon!

1517. Nine shall face their evil doom.

1518. Nine shall face their doom.

1519. Nine shall face their doom.

1520. Oh, Manchester!

1521. We love you, Manchester.

1522. Do you want another one, Manchester?

1523. Yeah!

1524. I was going to say you gotta get up, but you already are, my beauties.

1525. This is a love song.

1526. But...

1527. but it spelt love.

1528. Yeah!

1529. One, two, three, four!

1530. Thank you, Manchester, and good night!

1531. Manchester, you've been amazing! Thanks for having us.

1532. - Thank you, Manchester. - Good night!

1533. Adiés, Manchester!