Between Two Ferns: The Movie (2019)

1. Yep, check, check. Yep.

2. - Thank you. - Sorry about the leaky pipes.

3. It shouldn't affect the interview at all.

4. You good with sound and everything on that?

5. We'll take it out in post.

6. Uh, that's just plumbing, 'cause it's not even raining outside.

7. - Sorry.

8. Hi, welcome to another edition of Between Two Ferns.

9. I'm your host, Zach Galifianakis,

10. and today my guest is...

11. Matthew...

12. McConnach—

13. McCannoway.

14. Matthew McConnarr—

15. Matthew McConnagee. McConaughey.

16. Good to be here, Zach.

17. All right, all right, all right.

18. Sorry, I was just reading the box office returns for your last three movies.

19. All right.

20. All right.

21. I guess that one was all right.

22. I notice that you're wearing a shirt.

23. Is everything okay?

24. You fucking kidding me?

25. Of all the things you can win an Oscar for,

26. how surprised are you that you won one for acting?

27. Here we go.

28. But so did that guy from Thirty Seconds To Mars.

29. So, um...

30. how proud can you really be?

31. How much time do we have?

32. I'm out of here in about 15 minutes, so whatever. Do something.

33. What do you have to do?

34. Go drive around in a Lincoln convertible, shirtless?

35. Yeah.

36. Your dad died while having sex with your mom,

37. and you've said that you want to go out the same way.

38. You and your mom need to set up some boundaries.

39. - No, it's not true. - I wasn't—

40. - Next question. - It wasn't supposed to be funny.

41. - It's just a rumor that I heard. - Yeah, I hear you.

42. Who do you think will accidentally starve himself to death first,

43. you or Christian Bale?

44. You lost so much weight for that movie,

45. I thought you might die from fake AIDS.

46. I've got three kids, I got a wife.

47. What have you got?

48. Besides two ferns?

49. At least you're watering them, I see.

50. Yeah, and again, I'm sorry.

51. - We'll fix it in the edit. - Doesn't bother me.

52. I'm so... I'm so sorry.

53. Can I just, uh...

54. see what's going on with these pipes?

55. I got a lighter.

56. Dude, don't do that.

57. Help!

58. A little help here?

59. I can't get out!

60. Who was the idiot that installed the sprinkler system?

61. - What's the way out, Zach? - I don't know, Matthew!

62. Well, where did we come in from?

63. I don't recall, Matthew, I'm a little... stressed!

64. Well, they turned the sprinklers off.

65. And... action.

66. Hello,

67. and welcome to Behind Two Ferns,

68. the story of Between Two Ferns,

69. a special feature-length documentary

70. providing an inside glimpse at my award-losing talk show.

71. I'm Zach Galifianakis.

72. We're here in Flinch, North Carolina,

73. where I've taped my show for over ten years.

74. Not only do I host the show,

75. but I will be your tour guide

76. throughout your cinematic experience.

77. Who knows, - maybe the movie will even be in 3 - D?

78. Little trivia about my show,

79. I originally wanted to call it Betwixt Two Ferns,

80. but I thought that was too highbrow for the public.

81. Our journey begins here, like most classic tales,

82. with our hero opening a door into adventure.

83. And... cut.

84. Great, that was the best one.

85. Twenty-one takes is good for you?

86. Twenty-one takes? That's really, really good for me, yep.

87. We can move on?

88. - Yeah, let's move on, that was perfect. - Okay, move on!

89. I grew up here in the small town of Flinch, North Carolina,

90. and ever since I was a kid, I...

91. dreamed of being a big network TV personality.

92. But things haven't worked out exactly as planned.

93. - From Flinch, North Carolina,

94. it's Flinch Public Access Television!

95. Anybody watching this show has the ability to make a piñata.

96. - You're lying. You didn't say that. - The lifeblood of America.

97. - You told me it was about waste water. - I don't lie.

98. I have no idea what I'd do without you.

99. Think about soccer, you don't even use your hands.

100. That's what makes us human.

101. Didn't like that card.

102. Didn't like that card, either.

103. Where do you keep your Oscar?

104. I mean your, uh...

105. Blockbuster Entertainment Award?

106. We are here, at, uh...

107. Flinch Public Access Television,

108. FPAT-V, for short.

109. What's great about public access

110. is the feel of community.

111. Here comes the tornado.

112. Anybody's voice can be heard here.

113. Top that, motherfucker.

114. This is where I've been taping my shows for over a decade now.

115. - Hi. - Hi!

116. I'm, uh...

117. Keanu Reeves and I'm here for Between Two Ferns.

118. Oh, yeah.

119. Hi, my name is Zach Galifianakis.

120. Welcome to another edition...

121. of Between Two Ferns.

122. Uh, my guest today is Keanu Reeves.

123. - Thank you for being here. Thanks for having me here.

124. You have a big scar, I hear, from a motorcycle accident?

125. Yeah, I do, yeah.

126. Is it— Where is it?

127. - Just goes from here to here. - Big one?

128. - God, that big? - Yeah, it's about...

129. I have a similar scar on my... on my leg.

130. From what?

131. Walked out of the movie Lake House.

132. Bumped into the seat in front of me.

133. On a scale of one to 100,

134. how many words do you know?

135. One to 100?

136. Like, do you know 50 words?

137. Do you know 75 words?

138. Do you know 18 words?

139. Is it frustrating, uh...

140. to have people think of you as a complete bozo?

141. When the truth is that you're just...

142. a man with below average intelligence?

143. Just do...

144. one for yes, and then...

145. two for no.

146. Do you research your roles?

147. Yeah.

148. Have you ever considered researching a character that has taken acting classes?

149. Right now I'm acting like this is fun.

150. How am I doing?

151. It's a good show.

152. Right now, it's the seventh-ranked show in, uh...

153. southeastern North Carolina's public access television market.

154. I mean, do I have other dreams?

155. I've always wanted to jet ski to Alaska.

156. But, ultimately, in life, I'd like to have my own

157. late night talk show.

158. But this, for now,

159. what I have now...

160. this will do.

161. Who's on cocaine?

162. I'm sorry, I thought someone said someone's on cocaine,

163. and I was like, "Who's on cocaine?"

164. 'Cause it's not me.

165. You ready? Let's do it.

166. Okay. So, how did you stumble across Zach?

167. When I, uh, first saw some...

168. footage of...

169. this fat idiot, Zach Galifianakis,

170. I thought... I thought it was a practical joke.

171. I don't know if you wanna get a tight shot of that?

172. America's Dumbest Television Hosts.

173. And, uh, I saw him on this tape and he was so—

174. He was such an idiot,

175. and he was so dumb,

176. and so fat.

177. So, uh, without asking,

178. I uploaded it to my website, Funny Or Die,

179. and, uh—

180. All the clicks.

181. Over 500 trillion and counting.

182. And those clicks...

183. equals more green,

184. which equals more white,

185. which equals more...

186. purple.

187. That's me putting on a big,

188. purple feather boa.

189. Yeah, so, I signed him to an exclusive contract

190. and, you know,

191. started forcing my Hollywood friends to be interviewed by him.

192. Hi, welcome to another edition of Between Two Ferns.

193. Uh, my guest today is...

194. Chance the Rapper.

195. Hi.

196. You're an actor, a rapper, an activist.

197. Why aren't you also an astronaut?

198. Uh... I don't know. I'm not very, uh...

199. - like, I don't come from, uh... - Space.

200. Yep.

201. If your parents had not named you Chance the Rapper,

202. do you think you would have pursued a different career?

203. My parents didn't name me Chance the Rapper.

204. That's a stage name.

205. Any siblings?

206. I have one brother, yeah.

207. What's he do for a living?

208. He's a rapper too.

209. What is his name?

210. Community Chest the Rapper?

211. Uh, no.

212. You're friends with Kanye West.

213. That's the joke.

214. I don't like that joke.

215. Will you just give these a chance?

216. They're fine.

217. This is good stuff.

218. Stop fucking playing with me right now.

219. So, it seems like you have a lot of responsibility here.

220. I do. The show carries a lot of responsibility,

221. - but, you know— - Oh, my God.

222. I'm surrounded by a really good team.

223. My office is right this way.

224. Got a great view of everybody, I can kinda keep an eye on things.

225. I feel sorry for people who use laptops.

226. They don't get that exercise.

227. I'm Carol.

228. I am Zach's right-hand woman, yeah.

229. He cares about his job.

230. He's very creative.

231. He's very clever.

232. So, I do a lot of things for him, he's very busy, and...

233. um, he just needs somebody to take care of all the details,

234. and I'm happy to do it.

235. Sometimes words are overwhelming for him.

236. He needs to just kind of break it up a little bit.

237. Zach likes me to cut out all the big top stories of the day from the newspaper.

238. Just throw them in the trash so he can just look at the pictures.

239. I've written down lists of things

240. that I wanted him to make sure he remembered, and...

241. his brain just doesn't work that way.

242. He needs it to be drawn.

243. So, it'll just be a picture of him,

244. in bed,

245. and every step, from removing the covers,

246. standing up, walking...

247. And then after that,

248. that's you in the car.

249. When I leave?

250. Yeah.

251. - Hey. - Hi.

252. Zach also has me run personal errands for him.

253. For instance, he has very sensitive skin,

254. and he needs to wear panty liners to protect his private area.

255. I call her the Getter.

256. She gets it.

257. She gets me and she gets...

258. guest,

259. and she gets... she gets things for me.

260. So I call her the Getter.

261. And, uh...

262. she's wonderful.

263. So, Zach has a thing called "fernspection,"

264. where he wants to make sure that the ferns are just so,

265. and they have to be exactly the same in every episode.

266. He likes that continuity.

267. Green as ever. They look great.

268. Moisture's nice. Good.

269. Ow.

270. - Why do they look so different? - I don't—

271. I don't know how to take care of these. Keep killing them.

272. I just buy new ones whenever we have a show.

273. Is the width off to you? No, that's right.

274. Looks good.

275. That's exactly what it was last time.

276. What's the readout?

277. - I have one. - Whoa. No, no, no.

278. It says one.

279. I gotta say...

280. it's hard to believe I've used the same ferns all these years.

281. - Okay. So, yeah, we all set? - Yeah.

282. - I'll see you later. - Okay.

283. - Good work. Really good work.

284. Hey, Chuck, I wanted to talk you about—

285. So, I've heard people call you by your nickname.

286. Can you explain what it means?

287. I'm nicknamed Cam because it's short for Cameron.

288. A lot of people say, like, "No, you're nicknamed Cam

289. because now you work with cameras," but that's not true.

290. I'm probably one of the top,

291. you know, 50...

292. probably top 50 cameramen you can find.

293. I'm not crazy about him.

294. His attitude is... sloppy.

295. I asked for an ecu of the button.

296. You know? And I...

297. I didn't see your camera move.

298. An ECU?

299. Zach is...

300. and I'll say this the nicest way I know how,

301. he is an absolute piece of shit,

302. garbage rat, loser,

303. uh, donkey.

304. He's the biggest piece of shit I've met in my life

305. and I've met some big pieces of shit.

306. In life and in a toilet.

307. I have a really good time, and I like Zach.

308. I think he's... I think he's sweet.

309. You didn't come to Cecil's birthday party. You know, Cecil, the janitor?

310. She's good.

311. I like her enthusiasm.

312. A little annoying.

313. We didn't have cupcakes, 'cause he's vegan now.

314. Did you know that, he's vegan?

315. - No, I didn't. - Yeah, so I got like plums and persimmons.

316. It's fine, I mean...

317. That woman fucking annoys the shit out of me.

318. So there's a lot of celebrities passing through the studio, right?

319. Oh, yeah, tons and tons. Like, everybody.

320. I feel like there's nobody who hasn't been through here.

321. Thank you so much for doing this pre-interview.

322. - Yeah. - So, I heard you have a funny story.

323. We'd love to hear it.

324. Oh, yeah, so, basically, I got home late from work

325. and I was really tired and I parked—

326. Maybe ask her what race she is.

327. I'm not sure how that's relevant here.

328. Okay, is there something, like, light you wanna talk about,

329. that's, like, something funny?

330. I think you kind of— It's not—

331. It doesn't have to be like that.

332. Yeah, like a flippant story about being half black, half white

333. or something like that.

334. Hi, I'm Zach.

335. - Hey, Adam, from Parks and Recreation. - Oh, God.

336. That is refreshing to hear.

337. I'm so used to interviewing dumb actors with their dumb actor lifestyles and stuff

338. so it's nice to interview real people and—

339. Sorry, the TV show Parks and Recreation.

340. Okay. Let's get you miked up.

341. Great.

342. What temperature was it in there?

343. - It's hard for me to concentrate... - You like swimming?

344. Yeah?

345. I got a lot of bathing suits in my car.

346. Turning down a celebrity

347. is maybe the greatest joy a person can have.

348. Can I get a plum?

349. - Yes, of course. How are you?

350. Not gonna happen, champ.

351. Zach, he's always around,

352. he pretends that he needs to be here all the time.

353. He keeps taking stuff from the shelf.

354. I know he does.

355. My name is Shirl Clarts,

356. S-H-I-R-L C-L-A-R-T-S.

357. - And what do you do here? - I'm the station manager.

358. I run this whole deal.

359. You know what a lion is?

360. A lion is a strong animal.

361. They do what the fuck they wanna do.

362. Take what they want, eat what they want, they run when they feel like it.

363. Lion.

364. And then Bobby...

365. is the assistant manager,

366. and he's worked here for a long time, too.

367. Put me on speaker.

368. Put me on speaker.

369. Put me on speaker now.

370. - Should I come back? - Diane!

371. Hey, Diane!

372. Am I on speaker?

373. - I'll come back. - No, come in.

374. Am I on speaker?

375. All right, good.

376. Love you, bye.

377. Come in.

378. What's up?

379. Did you take my Hamburger Helper boxes out of the break room?

380. - What if I did? - I want my Hamburger Helper boxes back!

381. All right. I'll just write a check for you.

382. They're, like, $1.15 each.

383. Well, there was two boxes.

384. All right, so, 3.50?

385. Hey!

386. Where are you going?

387. We're going home.

388. No, you have to film at all times.

389. If I say, "Cut," that means keep the camera rolling.

390. If I say, "Get that camera out of my face,"

391. put that camera in my face.

392. Okay?

393. Let's do it again, from the top.

394. You wanna do this conversation again from the top?

395. Yeah, this is my life story. You ruined that scene of my life story.

396. So did you, by the way. Let's take it from the top.

397. Where are you going?

398. I'm going home.

399. - That's bad acting. Bad acting. - I don't buy it.

400. Welcome to another edition of Between Two Ferns.

401. I'm your host, Zach Galifianakis,

402. and my guest today is...

403. Brie Larson.

404. Thank you, Brie.

405. You won Best Actress.

406. Have you ever thought of aiming higher and trying to win Best Actor?

407. Um...

408. - I— Yeah... - Good question.

409. It is good. It's thought-provoking.

410. Your superhero character is called Captain Marvel.

411. Yes.

412. Boy, they really have stopped trying, haven't they?

413. I mean, why don't they call it Captain Comic Book,

414. or Captain We Can't Think Of Anything Else?

415. And what would your superhero name be?

416. Cap'n Crunch?

417. I read online that you're very private and decline to answer

418. questions that make you feel uncomfortable.

419. This is a two-parter.

420. Is that true?

421. And how old were you when you got your first period?

422. His show's success is absolutely predicated on the fact

423. that people are laughing at him,

424. not with him.

425. I think it's utterly fascinating

426. that someone that grotesque

427. can actually be watchable.

428. Hmm.

429. What is all this?

430. Carol!

431. - What's going on out here? - Huh?

432. What is going on?

433. Something's going on with the pipes.

434. - Yeah, no kidding.

435. What we have here is the perfect storm.

436. Old pipes, water line blockage.

437. And, for some weird reason,

438. someone shoved

439. a whole bunch of shit-stained panty liners

440. down your commodes.

441. - Come on, man!

442. This blockage is so major, it could blow at any time.

443. Whoever did this is gonna pay for it.

444. - Oh, disgusting!

445. Oh, God!

446. Zach, it's too noisy with the plumbing and the construction.

447. We're not gonna be able to interview the guest—

448. This whole place needs to be soundproof, okay?

449. Every nook and cranny, Laura and Danny.

450. - I want everything peepless, okay?

451. Just do it!

452. I mean, I would, I just...

453. I watch RuPaul's Drag Race with my roommate on—

454. - You what? - I'm watching TV tonight, so...

455. - I would, but I can't tonight, sorry.

456. But, thank you.

457. - Hey, Matthew. Zach. - McConaughey, nice to meet you.

458. - Nice to see you. - Thanks so much for joining us.

459. - The interview should be nice and easy.

460. Thanks so much for— This'll be nice and short.

461. Are you ready to start?

462. You have a major leak in here.

463. - Everything all right there? Okay. - No, everything's fine.

464. Oh, my God.

465. Grab your smartphones!

466. Oh, God!

467. Look out! Gotta get out of here.

468. Oh, God!

469. Oh, my God.

470. Oh, no.

471. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

472. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

473. My ferns!

474. What happened?

475. My glasses!

476. Thank God I found you!

477. Ah!

478. I got a call from Will Ferrell this morning.

479. He's very upset.

480. And he said to stand outside of this station

481. and be outside at 3:00 p.m.

482. Is it 3:00?

483. You.

484. Me.

485. Inside.

486. - Hey, look at this, okay?

487. These are my clicks.

488. My website runs on clicks.

489. Can you see that?

490. It's a lot of clicks, Will.

491. Or is the fat drooping off your eyebrows

492. impairing your vision?

493. Besides, you killed Matthew McConaughey.

494. He's dead?

495. Well, they administered CPR to him, and he...

496. he's brought back to life.

497. But... but yeah, he was, he was momentarily dead.

498. You are a murderer.

499. It was a temporary murder, if it was—

500. It was not a murder!

501. Fine. I'll keep your secret.

502. Okay? But you owe me.

503. Owe you what?

504. Ten episodes of Between Two Ferns, all right?

505. And I need them three weeks from today.

506. No. Hold on, let's make this interesting.

507. How about two weeks from today?

508. 9:00 a.m.

509. How? I can't film here anymore.

510. You're just going to have to go to the celebrities,

511. wherever you can find them

512. across the country.

513. But what do I get in return, Mr. Ferrell?

514. You'll be showered in...

515. gold, and spices, and rare gems,

516. rubies and emeralds.

517. But I don't want that stuff.

518. If money is not the treasure that you desire,

519. then say it.

520. What doth...

521. thy...

522. envision?

523. I want my own network talk show.

524. Five nights a week.

525. With an "Applause" sign and an audience.

526. I want people to laugh with me,

527. not at me.

528. Fulfill the contract,

529. you got a deal.

530. Ten of your dumb internet talk show

531. and you give me a lifetime network talk show

532. Lifetime?

533. I'm a white man and I'm straight, I deserve it.

534. Fine. Your own talk show on the Lifetime network.

535. I'd take it.

536. I'd just take it now.

537. - Done. - Done.

538. I don't...

539. Please bow.

540. Are you...

541. I christen thee...

542. This is not a thing you do.

543. worthy of the mantle that is FOD.

544. Go on, young, pudgy Zach Galifianakis.

545. Ride your imaginary steed

546. through the hills and valleys

547. of this country

548. that we know

549. as America.

550. Let's go!

551. Not in the front! Go around.

552. - Hey, watch it!

553. Okay, guys, Mr. Will Ferrell has promised

554. all of us

555. a new...

556. night-time network talk show.

557. Whoa, he wants us all to work on it?

558. Will Ferrell said this?

559. Yep, he asked for you all by name,

560. and he decided to pay for our entire trip.

561. So, let's go out and film some celebrities!

562. Who?

563. I'm not quite sure yet.

564. - Carol's looking into that and as soon— - I am?

565. She didn't even know what we were doing here,

566. she's not looking into anything!

567. I'll start now.

568. She's fully aware of what's going on, Cam.

569. It's actually better that you don't know what's going on.

570. Just point your camera and shut the fuck up.

571. That's a nice thing to hear as you're getting kidnapped.

572. And how long is this trip?

573. The trip should take us just two...

574. just two weeks.

575. - Two weeks? - Wait, two weeks?

576. To get to the big time, you gotta be a chance-taker.

577. And I am a chance-taker.

578. We're taking Between Two Ferns on the road!

579. Oh! Hey, Zach?

580. Think I found someone.

581. - Oh, good! - They're three hours away.

582. - No kidding? - Yep.

583. Who is it?

584. Hi, welcome to another edition of Between Two Ferns.

585. I'm your host, Zach Galifianakis.

586. My guess today is Santa Claus with an eating disorder.

587. You look good.

588. Thanks, so do you.

589. Did you just wake up from a 15-year nap?

590. You look like Steve Jobs now.

591. Okay.

592. Your Netflix show is called My Next Guest Needs No Introduction.

593. Wouldn't a better title be My Next Show Will Have No Viewers?

594. Yeah, that... we considered that.

595. And that didn't test well?

596. Oh, I think it tested very well,

597. but it hurt my feelings.

598. Tell me about your long beard.

599. Is that a Stupid Human Trick?

600. Is it Between Two Ferns or Between the Ferns?

601. Between Two Ferns.

602. Yeah, but that's apparent.

603. Your show was on late.

604. Everybody knew it was late. It was dark outside.

605. Why did they call it the Late Show

606. - or whatever they call it? - Mmm.

607. If you're going to get nitpicky with titles of—

608. I'm just saying,

609. Between the Ferns, yes.

610. Between Two Ferns, oh!

611. One day you might go crazy and add a third.

612. Then what are you going to do?

613. - I haven't thought about that. - Yeah.

614. Plenty you haven't thought about.

615. Your son's name is Harry.

616. Did you name him after your face?

617. Named him after my late father.

618. How do you feel now?

619. Well, I didn't know it was gonna go into a bummer story like that.

620. No, I know.

621. But you don't have the capacity for any sort of empathy or embarrassment.

622. Can you take some constructive criticism?

623. Yeah.

624. People find you unpleasant.

625. Mm. Thank you.

626. You love fast cars.

627. In what other ways is your penis small?

628. Can I just say something about this?

629. Not once has anyone discussed with me

630. my penis, my size of my penis,

631. my use of my penis,

632. or my testicles.

633. So, I'm just curious about the pathology behind this.

634. Jesus Christ.

635. What?

636. What'd you say?

637. I said, "Jesus Christ."

638. Stop talk— Do not editorialize right now, please.

639. It's hard not to let it out when it's such a stupid thing you said.

640. It was a lot of fun, really. Seriously. Thank you very much.

641. - Thank you. - I know you gotta run, so, thanks.

642. Yeah, thank you. I just wanted to say that...

643. you know, this has been a real inspiration to me...

644. - ...'cause I want my own talk show. - Good. Good. Great.

645. Nightly talk show, 'cause I think that'll make me happy, like it made you happy.

646. Yeah, I'm sure it will.

647. Good luck on that.

648. - Okay. - Make you happy!

649. - Right? - Yeah!

650. - Yeah. - Okay.

651. All right.

652. - Thank you very much for your time. - Which way do I go?

653. Right up there, where the guy is.

654. - Okay. Thank you. - Yeah.

655. Okay. Bye-bye.

656. Try to stay off the grass.

657. - We're... in the grass. - Thank you. All right, bye-bye.

658. Bye-bye. Take care.

659. Whoa.

660. - Hello. - What?

661. What?

662. Okay, what's going on?

663. Are you gonna, like, make us all smoosh in one shitty little room?

664. No, Cam, no one would room with you.

665. Good afternoon.

666. Four rooms, please.

667. - Four rooms? - Four separate rooms.

668. One...

669. - We each getting our own room? - Two...

670. three, and four.

671. - We each get our own room! - Nice!

672. That's nice.

673. - Goodnight. - Night.

674. God...

675. Carol!

676. Thanks so much for doing the show. What are you doing in town?

677. Oh, I'm here working, uh,

678. on my foundation.

679. - What is it? - Bones For Kids.

680. It's for kids that are born without bones.

681. - God, that's terrible. - I know.

682. How can I help?

683. You probably could stand to donate some arm bones.

684. You don't need all those arm bones.

685. This one you can keep.

686. This one you can keep.

687. But, for some child,

688. that's a shin.

689. Hmm.

690. It seems like a bogus, like...

691. it's like a bogus charity thing,

692. kids without boners— Bones!

693. Without bones or something.

694. Why were you putting a paper up to your—

695. - I could totally hear you. - Quiet.

696. Hi, welcome to another edition of Between Two Ferns.

697. My guest today

698. is Paul Rudd.

699. - Thank you, Paul. - Thank you.

700. Some people have it all.

701. Looks, talent.

702. How does it feel to only have looks?

703. Great.

704. If you didn't look the way you do,

705. instead of acting, what do you think you would be doing?

706. Shoveling shit?

707. I read that you might quit acting

708. and just disappear?

709. Where did you read that?

710. Right here. I wrote it down.

711. Which do you prefer,

712. being in Marvel movies,

713. or being in stuff that nobody has ever heard of?

714. Uh, being in Marvel movies.

715. Do you go to your acting coach and go,

716. "I've gotta play a goddamn ant, what am I supposed to do?"

717. You lost me at "acting coach."

718. Yeah, that seems about right.

719. What advice would you give to a young actor

720. who wants to hide his Jewishness as well as you have?

721. But I've never really tried to hide my Jewishness.

722. "I've really never tried to hide my Jewishness."

723. Yeah.

724. Jesus was Jewish and he didn't hide it.

725. No, he put it out there for everybody to see.

726. He's one of our best.

727. - Are you practicing? - No.

728. I'm not a practicing Jew.

729. I perfected it.

730. - Zach? - Yeah?

731. Some bad news.

732. Jake Gyllenhaal had to cancel.

733. Why?

734. He spelled his name wrong on his plane ticket.

735. What?

736. It's too many As.

737. - I don't know what to do. - Ah! Oh, my God! Zach!

738. Look over there! That's Chrissy Teigen!

739. She's a supermodel.

740. How super?

741. She's married to John Legend.

742. Go talk to her. You have to.

743. - I can't. - Get up!

744. Go! Go!

745. Okay.

746. - Hi. - Hi.

747. Another Brandy Alexander, please.

748. - Hello. - Oh, my God, I know you!

749. - You do? - Oh, my God.

750. You are the Between Two Ferns guy.

751. I love your show.

752. You've seen my show?

753. Yes, I've seen it, everybody's seen it. It's so funny.

754. You are so...

755. uncomfortable,

756. and weird, and awkward,

757. and all your guests, like, you can tell they hate it,

758. - but they're there! - Yeah.

759. - I love it. - Not really what I'm going for, but...

760. - Sorry. - That's okay.

761. Can I ask you a question?

762. Shoot.

763. How did you get started?

764. How did you become—

765. Everyone always asks me that,

766. and it's actually a really funny story.

767. So, it's 2003,

768. this guy shows up at my door with this box,

769. and there's this button inside, and he says, "If you push this button,

770. - your greatest dream will come true... - Hmm.

771. but somebody, somewhere, will die."

772. And so, I pushed it,

773. Mister Rogers died...

774. - What? - ... and here I am.

775. Wait, because you pushed the button, you think that's—

776. I mean, he had a good life, so...

777. - I had a guest that dropped out... - Mm-hmm.

778. just last-minute for my talk show.

779. Is there anyway I can interview you?

780. I actually have a better idea.

781. You're touching my hand.

782. Listen...

783. what if we take this upstairs?

784. What about John Legend?

785. He's fine, he's probably at home polishing his EGOT.

786. Is that what he calls his penis?

787. Come on.

788. That was at my hotel room.

789. How did you get that footage?

790. There are cameras everywhere.

791. You told me to never stop filming.

792. This whole trip, you've been filming me in every hotel room that I've been in?

793. Yes.

794. Right. This is not in the documentary.

795. Right?

796. At all.

797. Destroy it.

798. Now.

799. But before you do, will you email me that?

800. Hey, guys, welcome to The Bear Pit. We cook with wood.

801. Can I get you some honey gushers to start?

802. What are honey gushers?

803. It's just lemonade.

804. Wow, you really sell it.

805. Just telling it like it is.

806. I'll take the fried chicken plate.

807. I'll get pork ribs.

808. - I want the special. I want— - Special.

809. - Do you have sushi? - I could...

810. put some fish sticks on a rice pilaf, I guess?

811. That's fine. Side of gravy.

812. Good enough. I'll be right back with that, guys.

813. - Thank you so much for your patience. - And your name is?

814. - My name is Mike. - Thanks, Mike.

815. - Thanks, Mike. - You can call me Michael.

816. Thanks, Mike.

817. That's great, actually. Wow.

818. - We're gonna go to the bathroom. - Does he really?

819. Okay!

820. Thank you so much.

821. We got a celebrity!

822. Oh, good!

823. John Legend!

824. Oh, I'm so excited!

825. The...

826. Yes, the piano man, yeah!

827. He just called his manager out of the blue this morning and was like,

828. "I wanna be on that show," and he's on a plane right now flying here.

829. - Right now? - Yes.

830. - Here? - He's rushed.

831. Honestly, I've never heard someone sound so excited to do our show.

832. Okay. Yeah, so... when is he coming?

833. - He's gonna be here in a second. - Where is he? Where is he though?

834. His team said he was minutes away.

835. There's a chance I might leave during the interview.

836. - Zach! - What?

837. Hi.

838. How are you, buddy?

839. So good to see you, man.

840. I'm so excited to be here.

841. Oh, good.

842. - Yeah, have... have a seat. - Yeah.

843. - Okay. - Okay.

844. Okay.

845. Oh! I've been wanting to be on your show for so long.

846. I've been talking to my manager about it.

847. - I'm so excited to be here. - Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.

848. Is everything okay, Zach?

849. Yeah, everything's... everything's fine,

850. I just get the pre-jo shitters sometime— Uh, pre-show jitters sometimes.

851. Okay.

852. Hi, uh, welcome to another, uh, edition of Between Two Ferns.

853. I'm your host, Zach Galifianakis,

854. and my guest today

855. is John Legend.

856. - Hey, Zach! - Hey, John.

857. Can I get an autograph for my mom?

858. Sure, no problem.

859. - Because she wants to give it to her mom. - Okay.

860. Grandmas are great, too.

861. Are you okay with all this?

862. I'm so okay with it.

863. I'm having such a great time!

864. Are you having fun?

865. We have something in common, uh...

866. which is we both love to tickle the ivories.

867. You play the piano and I love to make white people laugh.

868. You're great!

869. This is good stuff.

870. You have many titles, uh...

871. musician, actor,

872. producer, philanthropist.

873. But at the end of the day,

874. aren't you just a millionaire who's married to a supermodel?

875. I, uh, am married to a supermodel, yes.

876. I'll look her up.

877. He met her.

878. - You met her? - I did?

879. Yeah.

880. - When? - Yes, of course.

881. In the bar.

882. You met my wife in a bar?

883. I meet a lot of people. I meet a lot of people.

884. It was last night.

885. You met my wife last night?

886. - What does she look like? - She's gorgeous.

887. I told you, "Go over and talk to her, we can get an interview."

888. I don't remember her.

889. Why are you staring at me like this?

890. What?

891. I feel you're trying to communicate something that I don't get.

892. Shut the fuck up.

893. Carol.

894. Zach!

895. That was fun, man.

896. Yeah.

897. Don't leave yet.

898. Give me a hug, brother.

899. Okay.

900. I know what you did.

901. - Ah!

902. - God! God!

903. Yeah. I'll be out in a second.

904. Just meet me at the back entrance.

905. Zach?

906. What just happened?

907. He sprayed mace on my penis!

908. What did you do?

909. He's probably retaliating 'cause I had intercourse with his wife!

910. What?

911. I had sex with Chrissy Teigen.

912. No, you didn't.

913. Why else would he come and spray me where it happened?

914. Ew.

915. It'll go away in, like, a half-hour.

916. I've been sprayed before. It's not bad.

917. Oh, God!

918. Excuse me, Mr. Hamm?

919. - Hi! - Hi, my name is Zach,

920. I have a public access talk show,

921. and I was wondering if you would like to be a guest on it?

922. Absolutely.

923. Guys, we're gonna need to take a quick break.

924. My friend Jack just asked me to be on his TV show,

925. and I don't say no to anything, so...

926. - Thank you so much. Yeah.

927. The Me Too movement has been an important learning process for men.

928. Do you feel like you've missed out on that

929. because every woman you've ever met just wants to fuck your brains out?

930. Bradley Cooper co-wrote, produced, directed, and starred in A Star is Born.

931. I hear it's great.

932. Are you hoping that will open doors for other hot idiots?

933. Uh, you know...

934. At what point during the making of Tag did you guys realize

935. that you were making one of the most iconic pieces of mediocrity ever produced?

936. I get it!

937. My guest today is Hailee Steinfeld.

938. All right.

939. - Nice to have you here, Sta— Stailee— - Thank—

940. To have— Nice to hear— Have—

941. Nice to have you here, Stailee.

942. You were in Pitch Perfect 2 and 3.

943. Do you ever wish you had been in the good one?

944. You have 12 million Instagram followers.

945. How long did it take you to apologize to each one of them for Bumblebee?

946. I walked out of that movie.

947. I'm just kidding, I didn't walk out of the movie.

948. I skipped out 'cause I was so happy to be leaving.

949. Wow.

950. You dated a guy from One Direction.

951. Which one direction was his penis pointing, north or south?

952. Are we done?

953. Hey, Zach, could I get this?

954. Absolutely. Matter of fact, if you guys want some trinkets too,

955. it's on me. My treat.

956. My guest today is...

957. Aquafina.

958. Awkwafina.

959. Like the water?

960. Well, it's spelled differently, so...

961. You've been raping since the age of 13—

962. Rapping.

963. - Rapping. - That makes more sense.

964. You starred in, um, Ocean's 8.

965. It's a great movie.

966. I'd love to see an all-male reboot of Ocean's 8.

967. - That would be nice. - Yeah.

968. There— It exists already.

969. Couple of them.

970. Couple of what? Male versions of the female Ocean's 8?

971. Ocean's 8 was a reboot of a male—

972. Next thing you're gonna tell me there's a male Ghostbusters.

973. There is.

974. - It's with, um... - Leslie Jones.

975. No.

976. You got famous for peeing from a zip line.

977. What's your next project?

978. Queefing on a ski lift?

979. No, I already queefed on a podcast.

980. Is that how you got your nickname, Queef Latifah?

981. Possibly.

982. Do you ever wish people would stop calling you a female comedian?

983. Yeah.

984. Don't you think they should just call you a black comedian?

985. It's better than them calling me a male comedian.

986. You were raised in the foster care system,

987. which brings us to our sponsor, Foster's beer.

988. Can you look at this camera right here

989. and say,

990. "Foster beer,

991. the best beer for foster kids."

992. I'm not doing that.

993. No.

994. Hey, can I just take a second? I wanted to, um...

995. I just want to thank you guys

996. for going on this venture with me, and, uh...

997. this has been a dream of mine.

998. As a kid, I realized that people

999. love to point and laugh and look at me.

1000. And I knew then...

1001. I have the It Factor.

1002. So, I just wanted to thank you guys for helping me capitalize on that.

1003. Hey, I want to say,

1004. when we first started on this whole trip,

1005. I found you to be annoying and hard to be around,

1006. and that hasn't changed.

1007. I'm kidding!

1008. Ha!

1009. - Yeah, I know! Yeah. - That's why it's funny,

1010. 'cause it has changed. I actually,

1011. you know, I think...

1012. I don't know, I kinda...

1013. I like you.

1014. - Wow. - Well...

1015. thank you, Cam.

1016. You're welcome.

1017. Well, I'd like to say a little something, too.

1018. Ever since my dad shot my mom and then killed himself,

1019. I felt kind of...

1020. unmoored,

1021. but you've made me really feel stable and needed.

1022. - So, thank you so much. - What?

1023. Oh, yeah, my dad killed my mom then killed himself, 'cause—

1024. - When... when did that happen? - A while ago.

1025. Like, a month.

1026. You didn't take any time off of work, you didn't say anything?

1027. I'm fine.

1028. I'd like to do a toast,

1029. - if that's possible? - Yeah.

1030. - Yeah. - Let's do a toast.

1031. Okay.

1032. Here's to the crazy ones,

1033. the misfits,

1034. maniacs,

1035. to the loonies,

1036. and ding-dongs.

1037. And some people would say that we're the crazy ones,

1038. but I think...

1039. we're geniuses,

1040. because we're...

1041. crazy enough

1042. to try to change this ding-dong crazy world.

1043. Cheers.

1044. That was a great speech.

1045. Would you like to, uh, dance?

1046. With me, though.

1047. - Yes. Okay. - Okay.

1048. You wanna dance?

1049. I wanna dance alone.

1050. Come on, Cam!

1051. Come on.

1052. Hello.

1053. Hi.

1054. Room 203.

1055. There should be some... several rooms under that.

1056. Yes, here's your receipt.

1057. I hope you enjoyed your stay.

1058. Very much.

1059. What are all these charges?

1060. It's itemized, sir.

1061. I just, I didn't realize when you take out the, um,

1062. the crackers in the snack drawer that they charge you for it or the drinks.

1063. You didn't realize that?

1064. Well, I didn't know, like, even if you put it back, you're still charged.

1065. If you eat it or drink it, yes.

1066. Did you eat the stuff, too?

1067. I moved it and then I ate it, yeah.

1068. But, just 'cause I move it I shouldn't be charged.

1069. What are these? Those look like...

1070. I rented one movie.

1071. Big deal.

1072. Is that porn?

1073. I thought it was Analyze This, but it was Anal-yze This.

1074. They didn't even have to change the spelling of it.

1075. You rented Anal-yze This several times in a row.

1076. I kept hitting it 'cause I was, "Well, maybe Analyze This will come—"

1077. The point being is—

1078. You should see the guy they had playing Billy Crystal, by the way.

1079. - I'm not paying for this. - You've already paid for it.

1080. This is just your receipt.

1081. But, I'm saying I'm not paying for it... again.

1082. - I'm hungry. - I'm starving.

1083. I'm so hungry.

1084. You guys wanna do a family-style type thing?

1085. No, I think we each wanted to get our own thing.

1086. - I was— - Hey, gang.

1087. Did you get a chance to look at the menus here?

1088. I'll take a grape juice—

1089. Uh, no, we'll have, uh, four waters for the table.

1090. No grape juice.

1091. Can I get an orange soda?

1092. - Okay, orange... - We'll split.

1093. Maybe we can split a soda three ways.

1094. Can you do one soda with two extra cups,

1095. but just charge us once, and then put the other two, just put refills in it?

1096. It just has to be...

1097. one cup you all share.

1098. I can bring four straws?

1099. Sweet. Cool.

1100. How many clam strips come in an order?

1101. Six.

1102. - How big are they? - Well, have you ever seen a chicken strip?

1103. I've never seen a chicken wear clothes.

1104. No, I mean like baked into a strip, not...

1105. - You bake them? - That's fine.

1106. One is good. Look, we'll get an order of the clam strips and a scoop of tuna.

1107. And can I get a, uh...

1108. mug of hot water, please?

1109. What were you saying earlier

1110. about your buddy Martin Freeman being the only good part of Black Panther?

1111. What?

1112. It's just a weird thing to say to someone you just met.

1113. - But I didn't say that. - Ready?

1114. Hi, welcome to another edition of Between Two Ferns.

1115. I'm your host, Zach Galifianakis, and...

1116. my guest today is

1117. Benedick Cumberbut— Batch.

1118. Benedick, Benedick Cumberbat— Bun.

1119. Cam—

1120. Benedick Cam—

1121. Benefit Lumberjacks.

1122. Ju— Uh, Bit—

1123. - Uh, Benedict— - Cumberdit—

1124. Cumberba— Uh...

1125. Benedict Cumberbatch.

1126. - That's what it is. - Yeah.

1127. You once said you're your own worst critic.

1128. So, you haven't read any of your reviews?

1129. No, no, I try not to.

1130. Has there ever been anything negative written about—

1131. Oh, yeah.

1132. A horse-faced, wooden...

1133. - I see that, now you say that. - ... oddly-named.

1134. - That I do see. - Yeah.

1135. You got your start doing theater and independent films.

1136. I did.

1137. And now you're acting in Marvel movies.

1138. How good does it feel to sell-out?

1139. Uh, I don't think it's a sell-out.

1140. I think they're pretty cool films.

1141. There's a lot for an actor to do in them. So...

1142. You wear a cape?

1143. No, I wear a cloak.

1144. Do you think you play smart characters like Sherlock Holmes because you have...

1145. you have one of these, you know, these faces—

1146. Can we— Is there a— Let's just get a close-up here.

1147. It's a face that could go either way.

1148. It can use inductive reasoning to solve mysteries,

1149. or it's the type of face that...

1150. masturbates all day wearing a helmet.

1151. See, it's a fine line.

1152. You played Vincent van Gogh in a movie.

1153. I did, yes.

1154. This is Vincent van Gogh answering his cell phone.

1155. Hello—

1156. Hello?

1157. It's hilarious.

1158. If you didn't have an accent,

1159. do you think people would be able to tell that you're not a very good actor?

1160. Yeah, no, I think my accent probably does help, that's true.

1161. Can you do an American accent?

1162. Yes, I can.

1163. Um...

1164. okay, maybe I'll give you a few words?

1165. Sure.

1166. That's a nice bicycle you have there, my young son.

1167. Well, that's a nice bicycle you have there, my young son.

1168. - Pervert. Get away from me. - Pervert. Get away from me.

1169. - No, that's me responding. - No, that's me responding.

1170. - You have a rabid fan base, and it's— - A what?

1171. - You have a rabid— - I thought you said "rabbit." Sorry.

1172. Why— I said rabid.

1173. It's vowels with you,

1174. so I can't sometimes understand what you're saying.

1175. All right, I'll say "rabbit." You have a "rabbit" fan base.

1176. - That what you want? - No, just "d", "d".

1177. You have a fan base full of rabbits.

1178. Rabid.

1179. Do they fuck a lot while they come see your plays?

1180. Are the rabbits always having sex in the audience,

1181. - while— - Unbelievable.

1182. Are you good friends with the Easter Bunny?

1183. Do you know Bugs?

1184. Everything, uh, everything good?

1185. You got kinda heated in there with...

1186. with Cumber— Cumercleat— Cumbercleatch.

1187. It's Dickerflick Cabbagepatch.

1188. I just— Look, I...

1189. I don't wanna put this on you guys, but, uh...

1190. we're in a little bit of a...

1191. budget situation, we're strapped for cash right now.

1192. That's okay, you can just call Will Ferrell.

1193. - Oh, yeah. - He can send more money.

1194. I'll call him right now.

1195. - Don't do— - How do you spell Ferrell?

1196. Don't do that.

1197. When I said that he was bankrolling this project,

1198. I meant...

1199. I meant he was bankrolling it in the future tense.

1200. What?

1201. He didn't give us any money upfront,

1202. and we're running low.

1203. So, you lied about Will Ferrell?

1204. Oh, that's great.

1205. Let me guess, he never actually said that we could be a part of the show?

1206. Did you lie about that, too?

1207. As soon as we get to Los Angeles, everything will be fine.

1208. I'm not gonna leave you guys behind.

1209. We're friends.

1210. Oh, are we?

1211. Are we? Or are we just a bunch of dumb shits

1212. that you tricked into doing unpaid labor for you?

1213. Come on. Come on.

1214. Carol...

1215. - Hi, Norma! - Hi, Tessa!

1216. What are you doing out here in the middle of nowhere anyway?

1217. I'm researching for a film that I'm doing next.

1218. What kind of research?

1219. I'm just learning how to be a boring person.

1220. Oh, really?

1221. My guest today is...

1222. Tesla Thompson.

1223. - Tesla? Tesla Thompson? - Tessa.

1224. No, Tes— Yeah, just Tessa.

1225. Like the car.

1226. - No, no, unlike the car. - Tesla, like the car?

1227. - Like, if you take the "L" out of it. - But, it says,

1228. "Tessa...

1229. parenthetically, like the car."

1230. But, you don't say it like you say the car.

1231. 'Cause then that's not my name.

1232. I drive a Tessa.

1233. You were in Creed.

1234. Mm-hmm.

1235. What's Scott Stapp like?

1236. - Who? - The singer in your band.

1237. Were you in Cr— It says you were in Creed.

1238. No, the movie, not the band.

1239. Oh. Well, what's Scott Stapp like?

1240. I never— I didn't— We didn't meet 'cause I'm—

1241. They weren't involved in the movie.

1242. But, would you like to meet him one day?

1243. I mean, yeah, sure,

1244. if the opportunity presented itself and I didn't have to drive anywhere, yeah.

1245. Women are always being told to watch their weight in Hollywood.

1246. So, why do you think so many actresses could still stand to lose a few pounds?

1247. I mean, you look at Hollywood

1248. and all the men that get to age gracefully.

1249. It looks like they haven't been to a gym,

1250. they get to come in disheveled,

1251. and they look like they need to shower,

1252. and they're wearing just, like, some blazer,

1253. and be told that they just look distinguished,

1254. but really they just look...

1255. pretty disgusting, so...

1256. Yeah, I hear you.

1257. That's... that's gotta be frustrating.

1258. Yeah.

1259. - So this like a shortcut? - Where are we going?

1260. I don't know if this is where you check in, or...

1261. Now what?

1262. - What do you mean? - We'll see what's going on.

1263. - This looks weird. - Where are we?

1264. This where we're staying tonight.

1265. You said we were staying at the Four Seasons.

1266. I said that we were staying at a place that was closed for three of the seasons.

1267. Oh, Jesus Christ. We're supposed to believe that?

1268. That's exactly what I said and for you guys

1269. to run your mouths like it was something—

1270. You are a liar and you have deceived us.

1271. Yes, it's an abandoned campground,

1272. but let's just stay here for the night and have some fun.

1273. He's crazy. He's literally losing it.

1274. He's under a lot of stress.

1275. But, we only have one more episode to go.

1276. Hey, Zach found a fishing pole,

1277. so we're gonna go on the lake and try to catch something.

1278. Let me put the hot dog on it.

1279. - You have a hot dog? - Yeah.

1280. We could've eaten that.

1281. You want a piece?

1282. - No, I don't wanna a piece. - I can give you that one.

1283. It's been in your pocket all day.

1284. It's only two days old, it's fine. Hot dogs keep.

1285. - Use it. - Fine.

1286. Just give me a second.

1287. You get caught?

1288. - You gotta get it— - God Almighty!

1289. - Hey.

1290. What's going on?

1291. I just feel like...

1292. What are we doing?

1293. I... I'm fishing on a giant goose looking for food.

1294. You got this.

1295. You're gonna catch us fish for dinner,

1296. we're all going to eat like kings tonight.

1297. And you're gonna make a TV show that's going to change the entire world.

1298. Okay?

1299. I believe in you.

1300. You can't just give up when someone believes in you.

1301. I don't know what I'd do without you, Carol, I really don't.

1302. If you could do anything with your life, what would it be?

1303. Forget me,

1304. forget the cable access.

1305. What would you do?

1306. Once upon a time, I thought about being a trumpet player.

1307. That was right before we left on this trip. I bought a trumpet.

1308. - That was in your purse? - Yeah.

1309. Just in case I ever get the guts to give it a toot.

1310. Well, what are you afraid of?

1311. I'm scared I might be too good at it,

1312. and I'll have to leave you.

1313. Well, then you become...

1314. a famous trumpeter and you leave me behind. It's okay.

1315. If you wanna play the trumpet, go ahead.

1316. Lip up. Give that thing a toot.

1317. Okay.

1318. Okay!

1319. I watched a ton of videos on how to do it.

1320. It's a good start.

1321. You play that trumpet.

1322. I'm gonna catch us some fish.

1323. Okay, everybody. Can everybody gather round, please?

1324. Gather round.

1325. All right.

1326. So, we're at Peter Dinklage's house.

1327. This is our last interview. Obviously, he's as rich as Croesus.

1328. I have a plan.

1329. Carol, he's going to be distracted during the interview.

1330. I need you to steal some of his stuff.

1331. - What? - What? No!

1332. - We're not stealing! - You can't do that. No.

1333. I know— Not a lot of stuff, just enough stuff so I can sell it later,

1334. so we have some dough.

1335. - I don't feel comfortable with that. - You don't have to do that.

1336. Okay, I'll do it.

1337. You have to work the camera. Plus, you're too stupid.

1338. Carol,

1339. if we don't get to Los Angeles...

1340. our talk show dreams are over.

1341. Please?

1342. Okay.

1343. Let's steal Peter Dinklage's stuff.

1344. - Okay. - Yeah.

1345. Okay!

1346. Game faces! Let's go.

1347. All right. I'll get the ferns.

1348. Hey, yeah,

1349. the Ferns peoples.

1350. Come on.

1351. Come on, don't be shy.

1352. Late one last night.

1353. Oh, wow.

1354. What a fancy house.

1355. Tell us about all of your expensive things.

1356. All right.

1357. I was just about to anyway.

1358. You're noticing my Warhol, I see.

1359. Wow.

1360. Must be really expensive.

1361. Oh, about 250K. Got that for a steal.

1362. Was LaCroix around back then?

1363. Yeah.

1364. LaCroix!

1365. Seems like it must be hard to get that off the wall.

1366. Over here...

1367. Winds Of Winter by George R.R. Martin?

1368. It's not even out yet!

1369. I bet that would fetch a pretty penny on the open market.

1370. Check this out.

1371. Et voilà.

1372. Are those Fabergé eggs?

1373. Yes, they are indeed.

1374. Wow.

1375. You know what's the most amazing thing about this, though?

1376. Uh...

1377. Fabergé egg carton.

1378. Wow.

1379. - Is that worth a lot of money? - Oh...

1380. - Like, how much? - Oh...

1381. You can't even think of a number that high.

1382. Okay, great.

1383. Thank you. We'll set up for the interview.

1384. So, we're gonna do the interview?

1385. Let's do it.

1386. Hi, welcome to another edition of Between Two Ferns.

1387. I'm your host, Zach Galifianakis,

1388. and my guest today...

1389. is Peter Dinklage.

1390. Thank you for joining me, Mr. Dinklage.

1391. Mm-hmm.

1392. Dinklage.

1393. Is that an STD?

1394. Uh, I think in German it's von Dincklage, but...

1395. Why did you keep your real name?

1396. I mean, if someone said to me,

1397. "You have to start an acting career with the name Peter Dinkylage..."

1398. I'm thinking of other choices I could've made right now.

1399. Well, Galifianakis is a stage name.

1400. What's your real name?

1401. My real name is Chad Farthouse.

1402. That doesn't sound right.

1403. There's a kid on the Disney Channel.

1404. Uh, Chad...

1405. Farthouse.

1406. He's on one of... Wizards Of Waverly Place,

1407. with that last name.

1408. So, I had to change my name.

1409. You're in X-Men, right?

1410. You know who my favorite X-Man is?

1411. Caitlyn Jenner.

1412. And, by the way, that's not an offensive joke.

1413. I'm honestly under the impression that she was in the X-Men movies.

1414. You were in ALF, right?

1415. Elf.

1416. No, I mean, you were in ALF, the costume?

1417. - Um, hey! - Can I just—

1418. Real quick,

1419. and it's important you look at my face

1420. 'cause I think the sincerity in this question

1421. is reading in my face.

1422. Tell us about how fun it was to be in Pixels.

1423. - Pixels, was that a fun challenge?

1424. Hey...

1425. she's taking my eggs!

1426. - Hey, wait! - Okay. Let's go!

1427. - Hey! - Let's go! Grab it! Go!

1428. Grab what you can!

1429. - Go! - What the heck are you doing?

1430. - What are you doing? Those are my eggs! - Go! Go!

1431. - My precious eggs!

1432. - No!

1433. - Loved you in Three Billboards! - Shit!

1434. Why didn't I get attack dogs?

1435. Well, I...

1436. still have $102 million dollars

1437. in my savings account alone. Ah.

1438. You'll be fine, Peter.

1439. You're a survivor.

1440. You will survive.

1441. So, guys, got a little cash from selling Mr. Dinklage's eggs.

1442. Now, all we have to do is get to Los Angeles by 9:00 a.m.,

1443. - and get this show to Mr. Will Ferrell. - Yes!

1444. - Get in!

1445. What's this?

1446. God.

1447. Check my e-mail.

1448. Password? Jesus.

1449. Oh, it's "Jesus."

1450. I always do that.

1451. Oh, my God.

1452. What happened to all my music?

1453. Oh, God!

1454. What happened?

1455. Oh..

1456. God.

1457. Are you ki—

1458. - How did this happen? - What the fuck?

1459. We're fucked.

1460. We're never gonna make it to Los Angeles now.

1461. Where are my ferns?

1462. Where are the fer—

1463. Wait!

1464. Hey!

1465. You animal!

1466. My ferns!

1467. My ferns!

1468. They're ruined!

1469. My ferns are ruined!

1470. Zach, don't worry, we can get you new ferns.

1471. What am I thinking? This is no way to get a talk show.

1472. Driving around the country.

1473. There's absolutely no way

1474. we can make it to Los Angeles in time.

1475. It's okay.

1476. All we have to do is just walk the nearest town—

1477. I'm no good for you guys.

1478. So, get away from me.

1479. It's over. I'm going back home.

1480. Zach, you can't give up.

1481. I need you.

1482. Yeah? Well, I can't do it any more.

1483. So, leave.

1484. - Let's go. - Let's go.

1485. We're going?

1486. Are you sure?

1487. Okay, will you just stop filming, please?

1488. You told me to get everything.

1489. All right, thank you. Please just turn the cam—

1490. Stop!

1491. What can I get you?

1492. Can I have an orange juice, please.

1493. And, as you can see, Jim is still in the lead,

1494. but we did have to deduct 250 points

1495. because, during the break, our judges have ruled that Abraham Lincoln

1496. There you go.

1497. was the 16th President of the United States.

1498. Tina, from Houston, Texas.

1499. Texas, represent!

1500. And you said you had a very special reason for being here on the show tonight?

1501. It's 'cause I'd love to take my friends on a vacation.

1502. They really deserve it and they mean everything to me.

1503. And I would love to show them that I am not a failure,

1504. and that I just appreciate them.

1505. So you feel like a failure now?

1506. Currently, yeah.

1507. - But you wanna prove that you are not one? - And I think I can do it today.

1508. Well, Tina, you are down by quite a bit,

1509. but you still have a chance to catch up and win.

1510. That's why we call this show...

1511. Don't Give Up!

1512. Don't give up.

1513. Carol!

1514. Carol!

1515. - Carol! - Zach!

1516. - Oh, my God! Zach! - There you are.

1517. You were right.

1518. I should never give up.

1519. I just want to thank you for believing in me.

1520. No! Everything's fine, we found a guy who's gonna take us to Los Angeles.

1521. - He's gonna drive us. - Get in the car!

1522. - Yeah? - Let's go, get in the car!

1523. We're doing it! We're doing it!

1524. Thanks, Chuck!

1525. Go, go, go. Bye! Thank you!

1526. Come on, come on, come on, come on.

1527. What time is it? Anybody know what time it is?

1528. - No! - Nobody wears a watch anymore.

1529. - Come on.

1530. Shit, go.

1531. - Hey! You can't go in there. - This way! This way!

1532. Just burst in, just go, go, go!

1533. Mr. Ferrell?

1534. Mr. Ferrell, it's Zach Galifianakis,

1535. from the internet show.

1536. I've got those tapes that you wanted.

1537. Hello?

1538. - Jesus Christ!

1539. What is that?

1540. - It's a teeth whitener. - Oh.

1541. Ah-ah-ah!

1542. Gently place the bag on the floor and kick it over to me.

1543. Slowly.

1544. Slowly.

1545. Gently.

1546. Gently.

1547. Now, kick it as hard as you can across the floor.

1548. Keep kicking them.

1549. That's as hard as you can kick?

1550. - Do it. - You can—

1551. Ah! Fu—

1552. Push it, if you have to.

1553. They're all there.

1554. Episode ten.

1555. Nice job, Zachy Baby.

1556. I knew you were gonna say something like that. I told you right?

1557. - Yeah, you did. - I said "Zachy Baby," and he said it.

1558. You completed your task.

1559. And now...

1560. you may leave.

1561. You told me that if I delivered those tapes,

1562. you'd give me my own network talk show.

1563. Our own talk show.

1564. Are you forgetting the "pro" of the quid pro quo?

1565. I asked you to deliver ten episodes of your show...

1566. - Yeah. - ... by 9:00 a.m.

1567. Yeah, it's 9:00 a.m. It's before 9:00 a.m.

1568. 9:00 a.m...

1569. Tokyo time!

1570. Before the markets open!

1571. I can't do anything with these!

1572. They are worthless to me,

1573. you fat idiot!

1574. - How could we have known? - There's no way...

1575. It makes sense, though. Let's just go.

1576. Let's just get out of here. I'm so...

1577. Mr. Galifianakis?

1578. Yes?

1579. Your television contract.

1580. For one big, fancy network talk show.

1581. What is this? What... what is this?

1582. I was fucking with you!

1583. - What, you mean— - You know why I was fucking with you?

1584. Because that's what celebrities do to each other.

1585. You were just Clooney-ed.

1586. What?

1587. You won.

1588. I'm getting my own network talk show?

1589. You're about to be a TV star!

1590. - God Almighty!

1591. - Yeah! - On TV, not the internet?

1592. My God! Zach!

1593. - Yeah! - You did it!

1594. So exciting.

1595. My two ferns...

1596. you know, they were destroyed and...

1597. I don't know if I can do a show without them.

1598. You sign that contract...

1599. and I'll give you something

1600. way better than two ferns.

1601. Three ferns?

1602. - Twenty? - No, four ferns

1603. Four fer—

1604. - Four ferns? - Four ferns!

1605. Gaya! Come on!

1606. USA! USA!

1607. US—

1608. Hi, welcome back, I'm Zachy G,

1609. and you're watching my first episode of...

1610. Ferns.

1611. Give it up for DJ Flop!

1612. What's going on, Zachy G?

1613. Okay,

1614. let's get to our very first guest ever.

1615. According to Wikipedia,

1616. she is 5 ft. 10,

1617. and was born April 30th, 1985.

1618. Please welcome our guest, Gal Gadot!

1619. Oh, Gal!

1620. - Hey! How are you? - Hi.

1621. Ooh.

1622. - Thank you. - Thank you.

1623. Thank you so much for having me.

1624. Hey, everyone.

1625. Ah.

1626. Oh, how wonderful is this?

1627. Gal Gadot's here!

1628. Thank you so much for having me,

1629. and I'm so honored to be the first guest on your first show.

1630. I've never been someone's first before, so that's...

1631. All right, so, uh, Gal,

1632. here comes my first question.

1633. Now, Gal, you played Wonder Woman.

1634. I'm wondering, woman,

1635. how fun was that?

1636. It was amazing, it was so much fun.

1637. The ratings are solid in all four quadrants.

1638. A slight dip in seniors over 80,

1639. but you make up for it with pregnant mothers,

1640. which technically counts as watching for two.

1641. Oh, hey, guys.

1642. Can I have a minute with them?

1643. Sure.

1644. You saw that, huh?

1645. - Yeah, we did. - Yeah.

1646. What was that all about?

1647. I thought it was so good!

1648. I mean, did you see the chemistry between me and Gal?

1649. It was unbelievable,

1650. the back-and-forth we had.

1651. I don't think that's what Carol meant.

1652. Yeah, it's different from what you usually do.

1653. Okay, yeah, all right, so,

1654. Mr. Ferrell and I talked about the old me,

1655. and the old me is not gonna work for this, you guys.

1656. This is the new me, this is the new ZG.

1657. Celebrities don't wanna be insulted,

1658. they just wanna talk about their fascinating lives.

1659. But, don't you kind of feel like a sell-out?

1660. Can you really call it a sell-out

1661. when they give you a free Tesla for doing the show?

1662. That's literally the definition of selling out.

1663. Zach, do you really wanna be like Will Ferrell?

1664. Some washed-up has-been

1665. who takes cameos in Hollywood movies

1666. just to get another day's worth of cocaine?

1667. You know, I didn't even like you before we took this trip to Hollywood,

1668. but at least then I knew who you were.

1669. I don't know who this person is that you're pretending to be.

1670. So, are you just saying that I should...

1671. just forget everything? Just...

1672. just drop my dreams, my childhood dreams?

1673. Zach, we need you on set to shoot promos for tomorrow's show.

1674. Zach, we're leaving. We're going to drive back to North Carolina.

1675. Shirl called and said they rebuilt the studio.

1676. We can have our old jobs back.

1677. Carol, you're the one that told me never to give up.

1678. I know, and I still believe in you, Zach, but...

1679. this isn't you.

1680. Zach? Are you coming?

1681. Hey, guys!

1682. Wait for me! I had to get my ferns.

1683. - Zach! - What?

1684. We thought you chose the show over us?

1685. What, just 'cause I walked into the studio silently

1686. without telling you what I was doing?

1687. Have more faith.

1688. Of course I'm going with you guys!

1689. - You're coming? - Yes!

1690. - You're coming with us? - Yes!

1691. All right! Let's go. Let's go.

1692. Yes!

1693. Carol, you were right.

1694. Hollywood's not for us.

1695. It has a need to sanitize everything,

1696. to slap a happy ending on everything.

1697. So, let's get out of here

1698. and drive off into the sunset together.

1699. 'Cause all I need are my friends,

1700. my show,

1701. and my ferns.

1702. We'll just get some new ones.

1703. - I'll drive. - Okay.

1704. Bradley Co— Bradley Coper.

1705. - Cooper. Yeah. - Bradly Cooper co-wrote,

1706. produced, directed and starred in A Star Is Born.

1707. I haven't seen it.

1708. Are you hoping that will open doors for other hot idiots?

1709. It's such a good question!

1710. So sorry.

1711. - Oh... - I'm so sorry.

1712. Let's take that one back.

1713. And, uh, we had this young woman,

1714. heroic young woman, Malala...

1715. uh, on the show,

1716. and, um—

1717. Known the world over, not big in North America.

1718. You, I can tell by that look

1719. that you have no idea who I'm talking about.

1720. - Yeah, I know who you're talking about. - Who?

1721. Adam Carolla, is that who you said?

1722. That's why I have this look on my face.

1723. Wow.

1724. If you didn't have an accent,

1725. do you think people would be able to tell that you're not a very good actor?

1726. Please keep going.

1727. I read online that you're very private

1728. and decline to answer questions that make you feel uncomfortable.

1729. This is a two-parter.

1730. Is that true? And how old were you when you got your period?

1731. Do you ever go to the DMZ?

1732. - No. - It's a combination of TMZ and the DMV.

1733. That's just a bunch of people...

1734. sitting around...

1735. talking about their drivers' licenses.

1736. Talking about celebrity drivers' licenses.

1737. "Oh, my gosh, she's got a C-class on hers."

1738. "Oh...

1739. James Franco wears corrective lenses."

1740. - You used to live in your car. - Yeah.

1741. Is it as fun as it sounds, or is there a downside?

1742. Would you say that your work in La La Land

1743. really helped pave the way

1744. for white people to explain jazz to black people?

1745. Sorry!

1746. All right. Let me get that out. Sorry, you guys.

1747. We'll be right back with Who Gives A Shit?

1748. I mean, what, did you read something last night

1749. and were so eager to come tell a bunch of young people

1750. about what you read?

1751. Yes, I did.

1752. I did do a lot of reading.

1753. When you and Woody Harrelson are acting in a scene together,

1754. are you sad that somewhere there's a sack not being hackied?

1755. That's good.

1756. "A sack not being hackied."

1757. What was the marijuana budget on True Detective?

1758. And are you—

1759. Have you smoked a lot of that budget today?

1760. Oh, shit.

1761. - You know a guy that has a Tesla? - Mm-hmm.

1762. I won the EGOF.

1763. Hmm?

1764. - You know what an EGOT is? - No.

1765. Oh, an EGOT! Stupid!

1766. It's amazing that this is even a thing.

1767. An EGOT?

1768. Or this thing?

1769. - This.

1770. I wasn't talking about the EGOT! I really—

1771. I was talking about this. Exactly.

1772. There's a kid on the Disney Channel.

1773. Uh, Chad...

1774. Farthouse.

1775. He's on one of... Wizards Of Waverly Place.

1776. - Your face... - How does anybody do this?

1777. - Sorry. - Your face.

1778. - Sorry. - ... is not helping.

1779. Chad Far—

1780. Do you hear that?

1781. No, I don't hear anything.

1782. That is the sound of everybody

1783. talking about your performance in Big Little Lies.

1784. No one cares.

1785. It's so mean!

1786. Your parents got divorced when you were seven.

1787. Was that your fault?

1788. And guess why?

1789. They named their daughter after a fucking piece of cheese.

1790. Again, I'd like to thank crystal meth Santa Claus for being here.

1791. Don Draper's suit hangs in the Smithsonian Museum

1792. - Yes, it does. - It's an honor.

1793. - Yeah! - Right next to the Cosby sweaters?

1794. - Okay. - No!

1795. What advice would you give to a young actor

1796. who wants to hide his Jewishness as well as you have?

1797. You know what happens when a Jewish guy

1798. walks into a brick wall with a full erection?

1799. - What? - He breaks his nose.

1800. I knew that was the answer!

1801. I did too, and I laughed!

1802. - I've told that joke for 20— - Did you just come up with the joke?

1803. That's a joke you've told before?

1804. And...

1805. that's the end of your movie, right?

1806. Yeah. And cut.

1807. Thanks, guys, thank you very much for your time. Thank you.

1808. Thank you so much for doing this. Uh...

1809. I think it's gonna be good. I hope my professor gives me an A.

1810. What?

1811. Your professor? What are you talking about?

1812. Yeah, this is a student film.

1813. I'm a student at Appalachian State University.

1814. Student film?

1815. Yeah, I told you that at the beginning.

1816. So, nobody's gonna see this?

1817. Well, my professor's gonna see it.

1818. And the students.

1819. There's, like, 12 people in my class.

1820. And I'll show my parents.

1821. Get the fuck out of my office, please.

1822. Excuse me?

1823. Get the fudge out of my office, please.

1824. I said "fuck" the first time, now I'm saying "fudge" 'cause it's more polite,

1825. but get the fuck out of my office.

1826. Geez. Sorry.

1827. - It could've been in 3 - D!