1. What is Holland?
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2. What do you mean,
what is it?
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3. It's a country
right next to Belgium.
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4. No.
That's the Netherlands.
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5. Holland is
the Netherlands.
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6. Then who are the Dutch?
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7. You know, I cannot
stand this thing anymore.
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8. I know. I hate it too.
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9. I feel like
an out-of-work porn star.
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10. I told you, we should've
taken some kind of vacation.
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11. I told you, we should've
taken some kind of vacation.
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12. Well, why didn't we?
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13. Because you said
this would be better.
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14. Remember?
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15. "A vacation
from ourselves."
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16. That's what you said.
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17. What if we
grew muttonchops?
No.
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18. Buzz cuts?
Parachute pants!
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19. Stop it, George.
Stop it!
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20. I'm sorry.
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21. You've gotta get a job.
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22. Damn it.
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23. Hey, hey, hey.
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24. Check me out. Huh?
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25. No more crutches.
That must be a relief.
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26. Yeah. With crutches,
everyone has questions.
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27. Not with the cane?
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28. Nah. With crutches,
it's a funny story.
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29. With a cane,
it's a sad story.
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30. You through with those?
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31. That is a sad story.
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32. Hey, you should've
been here tonight.
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33. Some guy from NBC
saw my set.
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34. He wants me
to do a showcase.
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35. I might have another shot
at a pilot.
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36. All right!
We're back in!
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37. We? No.
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38. We? No.
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39. Ladies and gentlemen,
Kenny Bania.
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40. Thank you.
Thank you.
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41. Hey, Jerry,
did you see me up there?
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42. I was killin', Jerry. Killin'.
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43. I killed.
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44. You killed?
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45. Killed.
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46. I'm gonna go
pick up some chicks.
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47. Good-lookin' ones too.
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48. Hey, what's your name?
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49. Yeah, he killed.
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50. Because I killed first
and warmed up the crowd.
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51. He's like that fish
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52. that attaches himself
to the shark.
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53. And you're the shark?
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54. Yeah, I'm the shark,
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55. and he's the fish
eating my laughs.
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56. and he's the fish
eating my laughs.
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57. I don't know how a fish
could eat laughs.
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58. Well, I'm glad
I brought it up.
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59. So you got any
shredded coconut?
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60. We're not doin' that anymore.
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61. Uh— Right— Yeah—
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62. Oh, my God.
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63. What?
I got a job interview.
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64. They wanna see me
this afternoon.
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65. So what's this job?
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66. Oh, it's beautiful.
It's in sports.
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67. Oh, it's beautiful.
It's in sports.
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68. Knicks? Rangers?
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69. Playground equipment.
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70. Welcome back to the show.
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71. Ah-ha-ha!
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72. Yeah, this is better.
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73. Yeah.
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74. So you got
any shredded coconut?
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75. No.
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76. I gotta hobble.
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77. Ya-ta-ta-ta-ta!
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78. I gotta switch
shaving creams.
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79. I'm gettin' no protection.
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80. What kind do you use?
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81. Whatever you get.
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82. Look, postcard from Elaine
from Europe.
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83. Oh. Don't tell me
she's draggin'
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84. another poor guy
across Europe.
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85. Remember David Puddy?
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86. Oh, the face-painting
auto mechanic.
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87. So she's
dating him again, huh?
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88. Oh, I guess
she's batted around,
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89. and she's back
at the top of the order.
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90. Boy, a month in Europe
with Elaine.
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91. That guy's comin' home
in a body bag.
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92. Well, let's see.
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93. I've got a 10 kroner,
a 5 kroner,
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94. A 20 kroner—
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95. A 20 kroner—
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96. No, wait.
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97. That's another
10 kroner.
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98. "Femty kroner."
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99. How much is that?
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100. We have to break up.
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101. What?
I can't take this anymore!
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102. I don't wanna hear
how interesting
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103. the change
with the hole in it is!
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104. If you tell me what time
it is in New York again,
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105. you are going home
in a body bag!
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106. Well, what about you?
What do you think
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107. the Gap in Rome has that's
not in the Gap on Broadway?
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108. Okay. All right. Listen.
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109. Forget about the Gap
because we are through!
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110. Forget about the Gap
because we are through!
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111. Fine.
Fine!
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112. Okay.
Terminal three.
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113. Have
a nice flight.
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114. MAN
Ladies and gentlemen,
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115. our flight time with stopovers
will be approximately 22 hours.
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116. Hey, you gonna bust out
that drink cart or what?
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117. Hey, what are you doin'?
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118. I'm taking this lace out.
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119. It came undone and touched
the floor of a men's room.
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120. That's the end of that.
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121. Did you see Bania's set
last night?
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122. Did you see Bania's set
last night?
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123. 'Cause I read on the internet
he killed.
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124. "He killed."
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125. He only does well
when he has me for a lead-in.
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126. He's a time-slot hit.
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127. Jerry, you gotta
give him some credit.
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128. I mean, you're just
being totally ridiculous.
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129. I'll see you later,
buddy.
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130. Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait a minute.
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131. What, what, what?
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132. Do I have to ask?
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133. Well, I ran out of butter,
so I had to borrow yours.
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134. Well, I ran out of butter,
so I had to borrow yours.
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135. Anything else, Mr. Nosy?
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136. Why are you
buttering your face?
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137. I'm shavin' with it.
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138. Oh, Moses,
smell the roses.
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139. No, Jerry,
it's vastly superior
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140. to any commercial
shaving cream.
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141. I mean, the shave
is close and clean,
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142. and the natural emollients
keep my skin silky-smooth.
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143. Now, feel my face.
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144. No.
No, feel it.
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145. I don't want to.
Feel it.
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146. Feel it!
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147. That is close.
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148. I got the job?
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149. George, everybody here
at Play Now
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150. is very impressed
with you,
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151. but I'm sure you've
heard that before.
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152. Well...
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153. no.
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154. I don't want you to think
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155. that anyone's going to
treat you any differently
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156. just because of your,
uh, ahem, handicap.
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157. Handicap? Oh.
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158. I'm not handicapped.
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159. I'm sorry.
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160. Differently, uh...
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161. Differently, uh...
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162. um, advantaged?
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163. See, I—I didn't
mean that.
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164. Of course,
you will have
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165. your own private,
fully equipped bathroom.
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166. When do I start?
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167. Oh, whenever you feel
that you're able.
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168. Uh, ahem, you
need a hand here?
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169. Yeah, what the hell?
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170. You got the job?
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171. Jerry, it's fantastic.
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172. I love the people there.
They treat me so great.
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173. I love the people there.
They treat me so great.
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174. They think
I'm handicapped.
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175. They gave me this incredible
office, a great view.
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176. Hold on.
They think you're handicapped?
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177. Yeah, yeah.
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178. Yeah, well,
because of the cane.
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179. You should see the bathroom
they gave me.
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180. How can you do this?
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181. Look, Jerry, let's face it.
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182. I've always been handicapped.
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183. I'm just now getting
the recognition for it.
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184. Name one thing I have
that puts me
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185. in a position
of advantage, huh?
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186. There was a guy that worked
at the Yankees, no arms!
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187. He got more work done than
I did, made more money.
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188. He had a wife, a-a family!
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189. He had a wife, a-a family!
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190. Drove a better car than I did.
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191. He drove a car with no arms?
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192. All right, I made up
the part about the car,
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193. but the rest is true.
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194. And he hated me anyway!
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195. You know how hard it's getting
just to tell people I know you?
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196. I love that bathroom.
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197. It's got
that high, high toilet.
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198. I feel like a gargoyle perched
on the ledge of a building.
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199. Hey.
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200. They hooked me up.
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201. What's with all the butter?
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202. I'm shaving with it, and
you know what I discovered?
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203. You can eat it?
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204. No.
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205. No.
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206. My face feels so good,
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207. I'm gonna use it
all over my body.
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208. Oh, my God,
it's Bania and Jenna!
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209. Who?
The toothbrush
in the toilet bowl.
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210. Hey, Jerry!
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211. This is Jenna.
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212. Pretty good-lookin',
huh?
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213. Uh, Jerry is the guy
that I dated right before you.
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214. Oh.
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215. This is awkward.
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216. Don't worry, Kenny.
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217. After dating Jerry...
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218. you're a pleasure.
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219. I don't believe this.
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220. You miss her, don't you?
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221. No!
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222. He's ridin'
my coattails again.
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223. He's gettin'
everything off of me.
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224. First laughs, now ladies.
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225. You miss her.
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226. You know, I think, ultimately,
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227. I'm upset with myself.
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228. I knew what I was
getting into.
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229. She's a bitter,
unstable person.
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230. I mean,
the sex was good,
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231. which I'm sure
was fine for her...
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232. but I need more.
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233. Hey, you believin' this?
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234. Excuse me.
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235. Excuse me.
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236. I-I was—
I was sleeping.
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237. Well, you missed
quite a performance.
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238. That's my apple juice.
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239. Someone's cookin'.
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240. Hello, Jerry.
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241. Hello, Newman.
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242. You know, old friend,
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243. sometimes I ponder
this silly gulf between us,
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244. and I say why?
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245. Are we really so different?
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246. For what is—?
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247. I'm not the one
doin' the cooking, Newman.
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248. Damn you, Seinfeld!
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249. You useless pustule!
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250. Well, somebody's got
somethin' on the griddle.
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251. Maybe it's Kramer.
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252. Nah, he's up on the roof
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253. gettin' some sun
with the butter.
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254. Oh, no!
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255. Butter?
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256. This is
the femty kroner.
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257. Ohhh.
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258. You know,
my last boyfriend,
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259. he had a real kroner
comprehension problem.
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260. You know what I mean?
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261. A real cement-head.
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262. David,
you are so funny.
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263. Yeah, I know.
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264. Hey. What are
you doing?
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265. It's a long flight,
Elaine.
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266. I had to get on
with my life.
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267. By making time with some floozy
across the aisle?
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268. Yeah, that's right.
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269. What's going on over there
with you and, uh...
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270. Vegetable Lasagna?
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271. This guy?
Oh, he's an idiot.
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272. This guy?
Oh, he's an idiot.
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273. He doesn't mean
anything to me.
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274. I can
hear you.
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275. Well, she doesn't
mean anything to me.
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276. If it were up to me,
we'd be together.
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277. Well, maybe I feel the same way.
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278. Okay.
Okay, so now what?
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279. Let's make out.
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280. Kramer!
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281. Yeah.
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282. Oh, man.
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283. I think I cooked myself.
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284. Look at your skin!
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285. Oh, stick a fork in me, Jerry...
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286. I'm done.
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287. Whew.
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288. I'm fried.
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289. Technically,
you're sautéed.
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290. So, what're you
doin' for that?
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291. Well, I just gotta keep my skin
moist so I don't dry out.
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292. Is that what
the doctor said?
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293. No. I read an article
in Bon Appetit magazine.
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294. I'll see you, man.
See you.
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295. Hey, Kramer.
Hey, buddy.
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296. Mmm. Game hen?
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297. Kind of.
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298. Nice limp. You bringin'
your work home with you?
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299. Nice limp. You bringin'
your work home with you?
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300. No, I fake limp on my right.
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301. This is a real limp because
I sprained my ankle.
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302. What happened?
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303. Well...
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304. I was butterin' myself up
for a nice shave—
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305. Oh, not you too.
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306. I must've dripped some
on the floor,
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307. and I slipped, and...
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308. You know what's good for that?
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309. Relish.
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310. Hello.
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311. Yeah, this is Jerry Seinfeld.
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312. What?
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313. No!
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314. No!
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315. No, no, no!
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316. No, no, no!
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317. Thank you.
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318. I don't believe this.
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319. They've added Bania
to the network showcase,
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320. and he's goin' on
right after me.
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321. Well, so what? He's got
a couple of good jokes.
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322. Oh, like what, Ovaltine?
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323. Why do dogs
drink out of the toilet?
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324. Shopping carts
with one bad wheel?
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325. That's true.
That always happens to me.
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326. You think that's funny?
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327. I don't know, I like stuff
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328. you don't have to
think about too much.
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329. You like Bania's act.
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330. You're a closet Bania fan.
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331. Maybe I am.
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332. Maybe I am.
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333. Oh, I'm gonna puke.
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334. Puke! That's a funny word,
"puke."
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335. Puke.
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336. Ah, you don't have to
think about that.
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337. I can't believe
we broke up like that.
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338. It was stupid.
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339. Do you want
something to read?
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340. No, I'm good.
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341. Are you gonna
take a nap or—?
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342. Nah.
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343. You just gonna
sit there,
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344. staring at the back
of the seat?
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345. Yeah.
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346. That's it!
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347. I cannot take this!
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348. I cannot take this!
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349. I mean, look at this.
Nothing has changed.
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350. We've been back together
two hours,
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351. we're having the same problems
we had 12 hours ago!
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352. Oh, tell me about it.
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353. I don't know why
I ever took you back.
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354. Oh, please! I took you back!
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355. You know it, I know it,
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356. Vegetable Lasagna here
knows it.
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357. Please, please.
I don't want to get involved.
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358. Oh, I hope a giant mountain
rises out of the ocean,
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359. and we just ram
right into it,
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360. and end this whole thing!
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361. Oh, God.
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362. Ow!
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363. Owww!
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364. Owww!
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365. How much longer you gonna be?
I'm starvin' here!
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366. Well, just a few more squirts...
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367. 'cause I gotta stay juicy.
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368. That smell...
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369. it's still with you, huh?
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370. Oh, yeah.
It's baked on in.
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371. Hey, put another
stick of butter in.
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372. Yeah, yeah.
Would ya?
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373. Yeah. Stir it up
so it'll melt.
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374. Fine.
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375. Oh, yeah.
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376. Ooh, that feels good.
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377. Yeah.
Now I'm simmering, huh?
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378. I-I'll meet you
at the coffee shop!
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379. Good morning, George.
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380. Good morning, sir.
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381. Is there something wrong
with your other leg?
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382. No, no.
Just the old handicap acting up.
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383. But your cane's
on the wrong side.
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384. Oh, well, that's, uh...
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385. That's just 'cause we're
standing on opposite sides.
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386. Huh?
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387. Huh?
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388. Yeah. See, when we met,
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389. I was over there,
and you were over here,
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390. so the image was reversed
like in the mirror, you see?
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391. See, this looks right
to you, doesn't it?
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392. Uh... yeah, I guess.
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393. But... see, here.
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394. Right.
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395. Wrong.
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396. Right.
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397. Wrong.
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398. Right.
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399. Right. Wrong.
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400. Will you stop it, George?
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401. J-j-just stop it!
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402. I think I can see
what's going on here.
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403. I think I can see
what's going on here.
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404. Well, you're not gonna
believe what happened.
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405. You mugged Stephen Hawking?
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406. Play Now thinks I've
got problems in both legs.
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407. My own personal Rascal,
Jerry.
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408. On the house.
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409. On the house.
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410. Well, it must be
comforting to know
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411. you'll be going
straight to hell
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412. at no more than
three miles an hour.
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413. Hello.
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414. Jerry.
Hey, Lanie.
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415. How's the trip goin'?
Oh, it's awful.
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416. This trip was
a huge mistake! Huge!
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417. Please stop shouting!
I can't take it!
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418. Who's that?
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419. It's Vegetable Lasagna.
Who?
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420. Vegetable Lasagna!
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421. My name is
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422. Magnus.
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423. Magnus.
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424. Shut up, or I'll
snap you in half
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425. and stuff you
in the overhead!
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426. Uh, get me some
duty-free Kahlua.
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427. How's the trip?
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428. Sounded good.
Copy !req
429. Well... gotta motor.
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430. Hey, if you got any juice left,
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431. you might wanna roll by
the big showcase tonight.
Copy !req
432. Oh, you still goin' on
in front of Bania, huh?
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433. That's right,
and I'll tell you what.
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434. I'm feelin' a little off.
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435. What're you talkin' about?
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436. You're not!
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437. That's right.
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438. I'm takin' a dive.
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439. You're throwin' the set?
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440. I'm layin' down!
Copy !req
441. Then we'll see
how he does up there
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442. Then we'll see
how he does up there
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443. without all the assistance.
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444. Listen, Jerry,
with all due respect,
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445. Bania's voice is the voice
of a new generation.
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446. My generation!
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447. We're four months apart.
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448. Nevertheless!
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449. His time has come.
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450. Now, if you will kindly
help me unwedge my front wheel,
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451. I'll be on my way.
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452. Butter.
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453. Kramer.
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454. Butter.
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455. Kramer.
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456. Hey, buddy.
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457. Ah!
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458. Jerry, what are you doing?
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459. George tells me
you're gonna throw your set?
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460. That's right, Choochie.
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461. Let's see how Bania does
without the cushy time slot.
Copy !req
462. Let's see how Bania does
without the cushy time slot.
Copy !req
463. Ladies and gentlemen,
Jerry Seinfeld!
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464. If you'll excuse me...
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465. Whoa, man!
Copy !req
466. Hey, everybody!
Who's ready to laugh?
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467. Oh, man.
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468. And what's the deal
with lampshades?
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469. Yeah!
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470. I mean, if it's a lamp,
why do you want shade?
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471. And what's with
people gettin' sick?
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472. Yeah, yeah, yeah!
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473. Yeah, yeah, yeah!
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474. I mean, what's the deal
with cancer?
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475. I have cancer!
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476. Uh-oh. Tough crowd.
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477. Hey! Hey!
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478. You dented my ride!
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479. What you got there,
the, uh, four volt?
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480. I did you a favor.
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481. How about I do you a favor
upside your head?
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482. Oh, yeah?
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483. Oh, yeah.
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484. Hey!
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485. Get the bikes!
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486. Ouch.
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487. Well, that wasn't so bad.
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488. What are you talkin' about?
I bombed!
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489. Well, you had some good stuff.
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490. The cancer bit.
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491. It was edgy,
not my sort of thing,
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492. but some of those people out
there, they really liked it.
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493. Like who?
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494. Well, that guy
who yelled out.
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495. Well, that guy
who yelled out.
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496. He had cancer.
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497. And laughter
is the best medicine.
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498. Hey, sorry, Kenny.
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499. I guess you got your work
cut out for you.
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500. Ladies and gentlemen,
Kenny Bania!
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501. Jeez!
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502. Where were you?
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503. Jerry, he could've
used your laugh.
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504. He was a big turkey
up there.
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505. Turkey?
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506. A big fat turkey.
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507. I'm sorry I missed that.
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508. Let me tell ya,
he worked so hard,
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509. and then
he just blows—
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510. What is this, oregano?
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511. What is this, oregano?
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512. Look at me!
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513. I'm all covered in
oregano and parmesan,
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514. and it's stickin' to me
because of the butter!
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515. Look at me!
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516. Yeah.
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517. Hold this.
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518. What is this?
Parsley?
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519. Yeah.
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520. Ah, the sweet stench
of failure.
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521. Ah, he bit me!
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522. Get off me!
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523. Get off me!
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524. Come on!
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525. You stupid
two-hour battery!
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526. Now I got ya!
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527. Ah!
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528. George?
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529. Your legs!
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530. Are you
a religious man, sir?
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531. No.
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532. Eat hickory!
Ah!
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533. Hey, Jerry.
Did you see it?
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534. Ouch.
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535. Kenny!
There you are.
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536. Jay Chermack and
Stu Crespi from NBC.
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537. Listen, Kenny,
really funny out there.
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538. What?
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539. That thing you did
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540. having the two guys
running through?
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541. having the two guys
running through?
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542. I love stuff you don't have
to think too much about.
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543. Give us a call.
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544. We wanna be in
the Kenny Bania business.
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545. By the way, Jerry,
the suspenders?
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546. A little hacky.
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547. How about that, Jerry?
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548. First you had a pilot on NBC,
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549. and now I'll have one.
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550. Looks like
I'm followin' you again.
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551. Oh, I'm gonna puke.
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552. Puke.
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553. That's a funny word.
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554. Can I use that?
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555. David, this has been
the worst month of my life,
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556. and if I never see you again,
it'll be too soon.
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557. Ditto.
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558. Oh, that's original.
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559. Go to hell.
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560. 86th and Broadway, please.
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561. I'm sorry, lady.
There's a cab shortage.
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562. The transit police are
makin' everyone share.
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563. Oh, no.
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564. Hello!
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565. Oh, no.
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566. I'm sorry.
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567. I'm sorry.
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568. Nooooo!
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