1. Something outside the box.
Copy !req
2. Come on, people.
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3. You agree with me.
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4. The shareholders meeting is next week.
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5. If we don't act fast, this company will
be stripped down and sold for scrap.
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6. I say we cut a deal
with the Wheeler Group.
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7. You want to make a deal with the
people who are threatening to gut us?
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8. What choice do we have?
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9. No.
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10. There is one man who
can save this company.
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11. Its founder.
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12. The man is from a different era.
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13. He's a Neanderthal, an animal.
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14. Yeah, and just the animal we need.
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15. Bring in... the warthog.
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16. Hey, Frank, how do you
know that these are crow's eggs?
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17. Because I saw a crow.
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18. (phone ringing) Hurry up.
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19. I can't stay here much longer.
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20. Oh, my God, there's a whole
untapped world of bird eggs that
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21. we're not even taking advantage of.
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22. Get the phone!
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23. Hello?
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24. Is this the warthog?
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25. I ain't heard that name in a long time.
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26. Five, four, three, two, one!
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27. Oh, boom, 24 hours is up.
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28. The found wallet is ours.
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29. Let's pop this bad boy
open and see what we've won.
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30. Mr. Brian LeFeve from Quebec, you lose.
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31. Boom, I got your wallet.
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32. Boom, I got your credit cards.
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33. Boom, I got your money.
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34. Oh, shit.
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35. Is that Canadian?
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36. Ah, throw it in the trash.
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37. I'm not gonna throw it in the trash.
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38. Might be worth more than ours.
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39. We'll exchange it.
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40. What's this?
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41. Phillies ticket.
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42. For today!
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43. Oh, shit, looks like we're
going to the Phillies game.
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44. Always check your breath.
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45. Right.
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46. And when you shake their hands,
make sure your hands are bone dry.
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47. Dry hands.
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48. Never wet and clammy.
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49. I got it.
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50. Guys, quick announcement.
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51. I'm gonna be popping these crow's eggs
in the fridge here so they don't spoil.
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52. Do not touch them.
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53. They are ours.
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54. We won't.
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55. Guys, why are you dressed like that?
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56. There's some scumbag company
that's trying to take over the
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57. business that I founded, and
I'm not gonna stand for that.
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58. Yeah, no, we're not gonna stand for that.
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59. Frank's taking me under his wing;
He's gonna teach me how to
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60. swim with the sharks.
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61. Charlie can't read.
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62. He'll adapt.
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63. He'll adapt to reading?
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64. Okay, you know what, we
don't need them, all right?
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65. We have plenty of fun
things to do today, okay?
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66. That's right, while you guys
are crunching numbers, we're
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67. gonna be soaking up some sun at
the Phillies game, courtesy of
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68. one Mr. Brian LeFeve.
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69. Who the hell is that?
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70. The guy whose wallet we found at the bar.
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71. What are you gonna do if
he comes looking for it?
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72. Uh, tell him to suck a boner.
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73. Exactly.
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74. Boom, I got your wallet.
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75. Boom, I got your credit cards.
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76. Boom, I got your Phillies tickets.
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77. Yeah, I've never been in... Whoa.
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78. Oh, shit.
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79. Oh, my God.
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80. Awesome.
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81. Oh, fine dining and baseball food.
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82. There's more.
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83. Hey! Oh!
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84. Free batteries!
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85. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
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86. Calm down, calm down.
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87. What's in here?
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88. Free shit, free shit.
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89. Guys, calm down.
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90. Look at all these coasters.
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91. Jesus Christ.
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92. Act like you belong here.
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93. Now listen to me.
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94. The fact that we're in a box
leads me to believe that there
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95. are definitely gonna be other
people coming here today,
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96. and they're probably gonna be
friends with this LeFeve guy.
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97. So we need to talk about
an exit strategy.
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98. We don't want to get caught.
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99. Okay, exit strategy.
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100. All right, I'll run the op.
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101. This the only entrance and/or
exit, therefore if somebody
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102. comes in, I will spring off
the balcony to safety.
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103. No, no, no, no.
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104. That's a 50-foot drop.
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105. Yes, of course, and I'm a professional,
so I will tuck and roll.
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106. Oh, you're gonna tuck and
roll through a 50-foot drop?
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107. Dennis, if I had a gun with me, I'd be
spraying bullets into the air as I fell.
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108. No, no, no, we don't have time for
these types of scenarios, okay?
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109. I'm talking about coming up with a
real plan, a real exit strategy.
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110. If we get caught, we could get in a lot of...
Excuse me, is one of you
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111. Brian LeFeve?
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112. Oh, uh, yeah, yeah, hi.
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113. It's nice to finally put
a face to the name.
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114. I'm Andrew Kane.
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115. Of course.
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116. And Bill Larkin.
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117. Oh, Bill, okay, now see, from
our conversations, I would have
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118. pegged you for Bill. Crazy?
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119. Oh, yeah, we get that sometimes.
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120. Yeah?
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121. And that must make you Prudence LeFeve.
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122. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
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123. Yeah, yeah. Hi, honey.
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124. Hi.
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125. And you are?
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126. Vic Vinegar, bodyguard.
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127. I don't shake, so don't even try.
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128. Bodyguard?
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129. Yeah, I mean, he's
really more of a driver.
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130. He drives us around.
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131. I protect their bodies.
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132. He protects the car.
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133. Well, I mean, we got all
week to talk about business.
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134. So, uh, let's just kick back
and watch this game, huh?
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135. Who needs a beer?
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136. I do.
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137. Oh, I'd love a beer.
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138. Thank you. Thank you.
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139. Vic, you're working.
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140. (laughs): You're working.
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141. You are. A bodyguard, you
got to drive, too, stupid.
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142. Yeah.
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143. Cheers.
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144. I'm not stupid. Not stupid.
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145. All right.
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146. Charlie, I want a list of the
top ten shareholders of the
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147. company ASAP, and call the press.
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148. Put out a press release.
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149. Tell them the warthog
is back in business.
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150. Also, there are too many
minorities and women working
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151. here. What's up with that?
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152. I got all that. I'm on it.
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153. I'm on it.
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154. Excuse me, excuse me, who is this man?
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155. Charles Kelly.
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156. I'm gonna be advising the
warthog in matters of business
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157. and all the what have you.
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158. Oh, everything.
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159. Right-hand man, you got it?
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160. I mean, there's gonna be some changes
around here, you understand?
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161. Ah, look at this.
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162. This poor kid, nobody's helping him.
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163. Hey, hey, kid.
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164. What's happening?
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165. What is it?
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166. Sorry, sir.
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167. The darn thing won't print.
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168. You mind if I take a look-see?
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169. Oh, no.
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170. I think it's a paper jam.
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171. Yeah, there's the culprit.
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172. Thanks, Mr. Warthog.
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173. A jam, it was in the tray
three, and you didn't check.
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174. It was hiding back there.
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175. It was like a little piece of paper.
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176. Let me... Whoa, let me
ask you a question.
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177. Did I just do your job for you?
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178. Excuse me?
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179. Did I? Did I just do your job for you?
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180. Uh, I-I guess so.
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181. You're fired.
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182. Get the hell out of here.
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183. Go on, pack your shit
up and get out of here.
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184. If we're gonna turn this company
around, we got to start cutting
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185. the crust off this shit sandwich.
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186. Fire in the hole, everybody.
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187. Come on, work.
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188. So, what do you think of our
latest proposal, LeFeve?
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189. I think closing at 31's a
pretty fair deal, don't you?
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190. 31? Well, you know, guys, these things
tend to be a little complicated.
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191. (Canadian accent): Oh, I
think ya can do better.
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192. Oh, you looked over the proposal?
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193. She glanced at it.
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194. We're not... Tell us more about it.
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195. Yah, I sure did, and I tell you
what, I seen better-looking
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196. moose turds in Rick Moranis'
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197. backyard, ya hosers. Mm?
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198. She's got a sense of humor that would just...
You know, it gets frustrating.
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199. Hey, come talk to me for a second.
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200. Excuse me, guys.
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201. Just... (chuckles)
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202. What the hell are you doing, Dee?
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203. We're Canadian.
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204. You sound like a cartoon character.
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205. Guys, let's get out of here.
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206. Everybody's treating me like the help.
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207. Well, you should have thought about that
before you blurted out, "bodyguard."
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208. Mm. Oh, I got an idea.
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209. Promote me to vice president.
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210. That way, we can talk shop.
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211. Mac, these gentlemen are courting
me for my business savvy.
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212. How's it gonna reflect on me if
I promote my bodyguard to VP
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213. after a two-minute
conversation at a ball game?
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214. Mm-hmm.
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215. It's not gonna reflect on you at all
because you're not Brian LeFeve.
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216. I'm not what?
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217. Dude, clearly you were floundering.
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218. Mac, I was gathering information so
that I can more fully become this man.
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219. Look, look, this is about
much more than just business.
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220. This is about the thrill of
wearing another man's skin.
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221. Feeling his innermost wants and
desires and being in control
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222. of his every single move.
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223. That's how you get off.
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224. Now don't you guys want
to get off with me?
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225. I don't know.
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226. What?
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227. I want you to get off with me.
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228. Okay, okay.
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229. Just follow my lead.
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230. Guys, we're gonna get off together.
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231. Gentlemen, I'm just
confused about one thing.
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232. Now, you got me out of bed,
you put me on a plane, rolled
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233. out the red carpet for, what was it, 31?
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234. Vic, get my coat.
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235. Let's get out of here.
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236. Now hold on a second, LeFeve.
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237. Give us a shot.
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238. We will persuade you.
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239. Get ready for a great week.
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240. A little longer in the sock, huh?
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241. Higher in the thigh. (Chuckles)
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242. So tell me the rundown
for tomorrow, Charlie.
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243. Okay. We got a 8:30
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244. appointment in the morning to
play racquetball in these new
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245. outfits, then we're gonna head over to
Barneys, we're gonna shop for Rolexes.
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246. After that, we zip by Atwater
where you're having your office
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247. completely redone back to
its former 1980's glory.
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248. And then we have a 5:00 sushi
dinner with Mr. Nakashori.
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249. That all sound right?
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250. Whoo! Sounds great, Charlie.
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251. Good. Well, Frank, I'm a little
confused about one thing.
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252. What's that?
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253. Who pays for all this?
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254. What do you mean, who pays for it?
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255. The company pays for it.
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256. All right, well, then
here's my second question.
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257. What does Atwater make?
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258. What do you mean, like, how much
money does the company make?
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259. Oh, no, I mean what do we make?
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260. I don't follow.
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261. We make money.
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262. No, I know we make money.
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263. I mean, what do we create?
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264. We create wealth.
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265. No, no, I mean, what do we build,
what do we design, you know?
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266. Because I have some ideas that
could really help the company.
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267. Charlie, Charlie, Charlie,
we don't build anything.
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268. Leave that to the Chinks.
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269. Speaking of which, I want this
sushi dinner to be the tits.
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270. Oh, okay, so you want it to
be, like, really expensive.
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271. No, I want to eat sushi off
of some Jap broad's tits.
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272. Hmm.
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273. All right, guys, listen,
I whipped us up a couple
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274. of backstories here, so
take a look at these cards.
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275. On the front, you're gonna find
your biographical information.
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276. On the back, that's your
emotional blueprint.
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277. Hmm.
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278. I have my own backstory, Dennis.
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279. I'm an entrepreneurial bodyguard
with his own line of fitness
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280. products.
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281. I want to pitch the guys out.
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282. No, no, guys, guy, please,
you got to trust me, okay?
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283. Just follow my lead, and I am
gonna get you off in ways you
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284. never believed existed.
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285. I'm in.
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286. I'm not. I don't even know
what you're talking about.
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287. I just want to do some business stuff.
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288. No.
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289. Okay, LeFeve, we have a
surprise you are gonna love.
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290. Ah, really?
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291. Trust me, we know exactly what you like.
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292. Head on down to the members'
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293. locker room and see for yourself.
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294. Dennis, I have business savvy.
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295. I can be more than just
the bodyguard, okay?
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296. I've got ideas.
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297. Oh, you got ideas?
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298. Pitch me one of your ideas right now.
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299. Right now?
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300. Off the top of my head?
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301. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
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302. Um, bodyguards.
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303. What about bodyguards?
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304. Training bodyguards, putting
them in a facility and...
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305. What about them?
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306. Oh, what about a resort?
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307. That's a totally different thing.
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308. Are you saying that because
we're in a resort?
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309. Stick to the one thing.
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310. What about bodyguards?
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311. A resort for bodyguards?
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312. Oh, my God.
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313. Oh, hey, you must be Mr. LeFeve?
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314. Uh, yeah, that's me.
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315. Surprise. I'm all yours.
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316. I was told there'd just be one,
but I can take both of you.
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317. Might get a little sore, but I'll manage.
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318. Okay, well, I'm out of here.
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319. Okay. Wait. What?
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320. Hey, hey, where you going?
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321. LeFeve's into banging little Asian
boys, so we're done, right?
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322. If we're gonna do this thing,
we need to see things through.
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323. Dennis, are you gonna have
sex with a tiny Asian boy?
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324. I'm gonna see how far I can go.
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325. Okay.
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326. Are you with me?
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327. No. No, I'm going to leave now.
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328. That's your goddamn problem,
pal, you don't know your limits
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329. 'cause you're not willing
to push yourself.
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330. I know my limits!
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331. This is my limit. I quit.
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332. You quit?
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333. Yes!
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334. Well, guess what, pal, you can't
quit 'cause you're fired, Vic!
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335. You're out of here!
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336. See? You got no commitment, Vinegar!
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337. You're finished!
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338. You're never gonna get anywhere in life!
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339. All right, LeFeve, time to put
your money where your mouth is.
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340. Let's kick things up a notch.
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341. So, only the ones set of clubs?
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342. Yeah, you're a caddy.
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343. Clubs... This is a golf...
Good. Yeah, okay.
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344. Well, that's better than
what I was about to...
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345. (chuckles) Whoo! Let me, um...
Give me a minute.
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346. I need to switch gears.
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347. I almost... Yeah.
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348. Take your time.
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349. Okay, first off, your dry
cleaning's all done, the
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350. company jet's been upgraded.
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351. I got rid of that piece of trash.
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352. Nice!
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353. Okay, now, secondly, I found
out who the controlling
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354. shareholder of Atwater is.
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355. Who?
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356. Brian LeFeve.
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357. Who?
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358. Brian LeFeve.
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359. The wallet they found?
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360. Holy shit!
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361. Yeah.
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362. He was probably there to see me.
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363. Dennis has been going around
pretending to be him, and
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364. stringing along the Wheeler guys.
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365. This is great, Charlie.
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366. We keep the Wheeler guys off
our asses, and we fix Atwater!
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367. Huh? Good move.
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368. Right? Pretty good.
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369. Oh, Nakashori's here.
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370. Yeah, but this is...
Hello, Mr. Nakashori.
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371. (bad Japanese accent):
Ah, welcome, welcome.
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372. You bring us a great honor
to join with us, and we have
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373. many a naked woman and the
fish of pleasure for you...
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374. Charlie, what are you doing?
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375. What are you talking broken English for?
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376. I thought they could
understand me better if I...
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377. No, no, no. Sit down.
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378. Let's eat some sushi and
we'll talk business later.
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379. Enjoy yourself.
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380. So... (clears throat)
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381. A few interesting facts about our city.
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382. Uh, there's been an abundance
of crow eggs all around Philly.
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383. Uh, and crows seem to be getting bigger.
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384. By the year and the day, even.
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385. And their eggs, of course,
are getting bigger as well.
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386. Perhaps our companies, with this
information, could find a way to
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387. create some products off these new...
Charlie, Charlie...
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388. Excuse us.
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389. Charlie, come here, listen to me.
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390. Look at me.
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391. Yeah.
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392. You're fired.
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393. What?
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394. You're fired.
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395. Why?
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396. Because you're not getting it.
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397. It's not sinkin' in.
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398. I don't get it?
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399. No.
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400. Where did you get that awesome
insider info from, about.
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401. Brian LeFeve, huh?
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402. That was pretty big.
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403. Well, that was good, Charlie.
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404. That's good.
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405. But you keep talking about products
and quality and-and making things...
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406. I'm sorry.
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407. You're out.
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408. Well, thanks for the insider info,
Mac, but that did not work.
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409. Frank canned me.
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410. He did?
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411. Yeah!
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412. What a dick!
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413. You know Dennis wouldn't even
listen to my business ideas?
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414. Are you serious?
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415. I'm brimming with all these
great business ideas.
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416. Oh, tell me about it.
I don't know what to do with it.
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417. Oh, my God, I pitched so many good ideas...
or I tried to, at least.
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418. And Frank shoots 'em down,
'cause he doesn't care about...
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419. I wish we could go into
business together, you know?
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420. That would be... that would
be good, it would make sense.
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421. Yeah, well, I feel like you and I...
you and I understand each other.
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422. We click, you know?
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423. I have to warn you, though, that
it's all about the product for me.
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424. - Are you serious?
- Yeah.
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425. That's what I was saying
to Frank the entire time.
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426. That's what people care
about, is the product.
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427. It's all about the product, right?
He only cares about money.
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428. Money has nothing to do with it.
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429. It's about a... Oh... You
and I are on the same page.
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430. I know, we're always clicking with... And we
have insane business savvy, and I feel like...
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431. Excuse me.
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432. I need to speak to the owners.
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433. Yeah, that's us.
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434. Yeah, yeah.
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435. Does the name Brian LeFeve
mean anything to you guys?
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436. Okay, LeFeve, enough.
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437. We took you out the yacht, we took you
to the zoo, we took you to that massage
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438. parlor and paid to have
them jerk you both off.
Copy !req
439. The meeting's about to start.
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440. We need to know, are you
going to sell or not?
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441. Guys, we are almost there.
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442. I promise you, we are so close.
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443. Oh, okay!
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444. All right, I want to welcome all
of you Atwater investors, and
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445. especially our controlling
shareholder, Mr. Brian LeFeve.
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446. Thanks, Frank.
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447. Oh.
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448. Thank you.
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449. All right.
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450. I'm very excited about your passion for the
company, so let's get right down to business.
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451. Not so fast!
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452. There's something you all
need to know about Atwater!
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453. Prepare to have your minds blown.
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454. We got a video.
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455. Boom!
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456. Huh?
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457. What up?
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458. Are you ready for the best idea ever?
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459. Do you have money?
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460. Do you want even more money?
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461. Well, guess what?
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462. We've got a great idea for you.
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463. I... no, I told you not to... stay out
of my peripheral through the whole...
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464. two, one.
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465. Fight Milk!
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466. The first alcoholic, dairy-based protein
drink for bodyguards... By bodyguard!
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467. I drink it every morning so
I can fight like the crow.
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468. Just get out of the way.
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469. There we go.
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470. It's all about the product shot.
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471. Where do I stand?
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472. Don't do the whole... I wanted for
them to see the whole... Fight Milk!
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473. Crow's egg!
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474. Milk!
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475. Made fresh.
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476. By bodyguards.
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477. And Charlie.
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478. What up?
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479. Watch as profits soar high as a crow.
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480. Watch your profits soar high as a crow.
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481. Ow.
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482. Sorry.
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483. Wait, I thought we said I was gonna...
Profits... Yeah, go with your right.
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484. To the right hand.
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485. Uh, anyway, who wants to invest?
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486. So what's this got to do with Atwater?
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487. Oh, nothing.
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488. No, um, we just didn't want
to lead with the Atwater news
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489. because we figured you wouldn't
stick around to watch the video.
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490. So what's the news?
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491. Oh! Yeah, right.
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492. Well, that's not Brian LeFeve!
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493. This is Brian LeFeve.
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494. Yeah.
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495. Yeah, apparently he came to the
bar to talk to Frank, and I
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496. didn't recognize him from his
picture in his wallet, but I did
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497. recognize it when I saw that
dead face in the morgue.
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498. Yeah, I was like, I
remember that dude, yeah.
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499. Yeah.
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500. He came to the bar, and I
remember he had to take a piss.
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501. Yeah, he was having a couple drinks and then...
But Charlie was in the
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502. bathroom cleaning it out.
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503. I was working.
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504. I'm like, "Dude, take
it out to the alley."
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505. And then I guess he's out in the alley,
he comes back in, he forgot his wallet.
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506. Mac's like, "ID please."
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507. Yeah, he doesn't get in without an ID.
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508. That's just the rule.
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509. The guy's got no ID, so now he's
roaming around the alleyway
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510. looking for his wallet.
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511. Crackhead comes up to him, says,
"Hey, man, give me your money."
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512. And the guy's like, "I
can't, I got no money."
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513. And he's like, "Bullshit."
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514. He got stabbed a bunch around
the abdomen and... uh, kind of
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515. bled out and sort of died.
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516. Why do you got his finger?
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517. Oh.
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518. Well, the whole finger thing is...
This was a miscommunication.
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519. This is a stupid thing, man.
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520. This guy here... He's like,
"Dude, get a fingerprint."
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521. And I heard, "Get a fingertip."
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522. And I chopped his finger off
really quick and then I'm like,
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523. "Is this what you want?"
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524. He starts screaming, you know.
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525. Hey, wait a minute, wait
a minute, wait a minute.
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526. If Brian LeFeve is dead... then
who the hell are these people?
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527. Just a couple of people
who totally got off, bro.
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528. What?
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529. You did?
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530. Mm... Are you serious?
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531. Mm-hmm, yeah.
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532. Just... during this?
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533. Big time, yeah.
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534. Oh, yeah, I got off a couple
times when we were watching the
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535. video presentation.
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536. Then when he called me out
for not being Brian LeFeve?
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537. Whoo, that got me big time.
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538. That did it?
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539. Oh, man, did I get off.
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540. Yeah, and then he showed the finger.
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541. - That was the big one.
- A dead finger got you off.
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542. - That was the climax, really.
- I am so confused.
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543. Oh, my God, it was amazing.
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544. It was mostly sexual.
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545. God damn you, okay?
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546. You know what?
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547. I could've gotten some
cash out of these men.
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548. I could've gotten a free pair of
shoes, but no, you said, "Hang"
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549. in there, I'll help you get off,
I'll help you get off, Dee.
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550. "I'll show you how to do it."
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551. And then you leave me all on my
own to try and just get off all
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552. by myself without even... I
did everything that I could.
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553. I don't understand why
you couldn't get off.
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554. It's not my fault.
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555. Some women just don't know how.
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556. What?
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557. I don't know what it is.
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558. You know?
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559. Sometimes it's only the guy who gets off.
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560. Well, look, I don't know what
the hell's going on over there.
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561. But I can tell you something,
that there is something really,
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562. palpable, wonderful going on over here.
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563. I love this company.
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564. I love it more than life.
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565. I built this company with these hands.
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566. Built it from the ground up.
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567. This is a comp... (cell phone ringing)
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568. Excuse me.
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569. Hello?
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570. It's done?
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571. Oh. Good.
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572. Right.
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573. All right, that's it. It's over, you can all go.
The company's gone.
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574. What are you talking about?
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575. I stripped the company, sold it to
the Chinks, and they shut it down.
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576. In a sense, you're all fired.
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577. Out.
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578. You can all go.
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579. Thank you, and good-bye.
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580. Get out, get out, go.
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581. Frank, whoa, whoa.
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582. I... dude, I do not understand.
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583. I thought you loved the company.
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584. I do.
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585. But not more than money.
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586. And I just made a shitload of it.
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587. You get it?
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588. Yeah.
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589. See, Charlie?
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590. Speaking of which, tell me
more about this Crowtein.
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