1. Sting!Copy !req
2. Sting, open up! It's Bieber!Copy !req
3. Sting! Come on! Sting!Copy !req
4. It's Bieber, bro! Open the door!Copy !req
5. Oh, fudge!Copy !req
6. You can't kill us all.Copy !req
7. We will protect the Chosen One.Copy !req
8. Uh-huh.Copy !req
9. Peace out, world.Copy !req
10. Peace out.Copy !req
11. Valentina, he was pronounced
dead 13 minutes ago.Copy !req
12. I can't believe it.Copy !req
13. Justin Bieber?Copy !req
14. No.Copy !req
15. The sixth pop star to die in the last year.Copy !req
16. And all with that look.Copy !req
17. As if they were
trying to tell us something.Copy !req
18. That look.Copy !req
19. There's only one person on EarthCopy !req
20. who would know
how to interpret this look.Copy !req
21. It's a dead end, Valentina.Copy !req
22. No one has seen that man in years.Copy !req
23. Then God help us all.Copy !req
24. Shocking. Stupefying.Copy !req
25. Something out of a Hollywood
disaster movie.Copy !req
26. Just a few of the ways
New Yorkers describedCopy !req
27. what happened today
as Derek Zoolander'sCopy !req
28. Center for Kids Who Can't Read GoodCopy !req
29. and Who Wanna Learn to Do
Other Stuff Good, TooCopy !req
30. literally collapsed into the East RiverCopy !req
31. only two days after its official opening.Copy !req
32. Students and teachers were evacuated.Copy !req
33. And while Zoolander and his son,
Derek Jr., were unharmed,Copy !req
34. sadly, his wife,
Matilda Jeffries-Zoolander,Copy !req
35. has reportedly died.Copy !req
36. I just feel lucky no one
from my family was hurt!Copy !req
37. She was crushed by the book?Copy !req
38. A vigil is being held tonightCopy !req
39. for the other chisel-cheeked
lion of the modeling kingdom,Copy !req
40. Hansel, who is reported
to have sustainedCopy !req
41. permanent injury to his breathtaking faceCopy !req
42. after being trapped
beneath a burning beam.Copy !req
43. Although
authorities are still investigating,Copy !req
44. the cause of the disaster
is believed to beCopy !req
45. Zoolander's mind-boggling decisionCopy !req
46. to build the reading centerCopy !req
47. out of the actual materials
that were used to constructCopy !req
48. the original architectural model.Copy !req
49. Clothing designer
Jacob Moogberg,Copy !req
50. AKA Jacobim MugatuCopy !req
51. was sentenced today
to two consecutive life termsCopy !req
52. in a maximum security fashion prisonCopy !req
53. for his role in
the attempted assassinationCopy !req
54. of the Malaysian Prime Minister.Copy !req
55. His co-conspirator, modeling agentCopy !req
56. Maury Ballstein, turned state's witness...Copy !req
57. I'll give you anything
you want on that fakakta fink.Copy !req
58. in exchange for relocation in the
Witness Protection Program.Copy !req
59. Back in the news tonight,
former model, negligent builder,Copy !req
60. now unfit parent, Derek Zoolander.Copy !req
61. This footage was taken by a neighborCopy !req
62. across from Zoolander's SoHo loft.Copy !req
63. D.J., how did Mommy make it soft?Copy !req
64. The Child Protection AgencyCopy !req
65. removed Zoolander's son, Derek Jr.Copy !req
66. late last night in a daring midnight raidCopy !req
67. placing him in the custody of the state.Copy !req
68. Which is why it pains me to sayCopy !req
69. that effective immediately,
I will retire from modelingCopy !req
70. and live alone as a hermit crab.Copy !req
71. I will now be anonymous
and known only as...Copy !req
72. Eric...Copy !req
73. Toolander.Copy !req
74. And finally tonight,Copy !req
75. here's something to make you feel old.Copy !req
76. Incredible as it may sound,Copy !req
77. of the over 3.7 million
high school graduates this yearCopy !req
78. less than 2% could tell you
what a fax machine is,Copy !req
79. name a Caucasian President,Copy !req
80. or know who Derek Zoolander was.Copy !req
81. Was... Was... Was...Copy !req
82. Go away.Copy !req
83. Derek! Open up, it's me.Copy !req
84. I'm sorry, traveler,
you must have lost your way.Copy !req
85. No one lives here by that name.Copy !req
86. Right. Sorry. I mean, Eric.Copy !req
87. I've got your mail.Copy !req
88. Billy Zane. It's been years.Copy !req
89. Where's my regular mailperson, Ingvar?Copy !req
90. He couldn't make it.Copy !req
91. I was in the neighborhood,
I thought I'd stop by.Copy !req
92. Got your Netflix.Copy !req
93. Whoa, Jack Ryan...Copy !req
94. and Jack Reacher.Copy !req
95. Tonight's gonna be a total Jack-off.Copy !req
96. You have something else here.Copy !req
97. What is it?Copy !req
98. Open it.Copy !req
99. Gryootings, Derek Zoolownder.Copy !req
100. Are you a Boxtroll?Copy !req
101. That's Alexanya Atoz,Copy !req
102. owner of the largest fashion
empire in the world.Copy !req
103. Because you are one of the
world's true fishion icons,Copy !req
104. I have personal selected you
to come to Rome...Copy !req
105. The Eturnanal Cyootee...Copy !req
106. To muddel my nyouest colleeauctionCopy !req
107. by my hoottest now designer...Copy !req
108. Doon Atari.Copy !req
109. Who?Copy !req
110. Don Atari.Copy !req
111. He's "it" in fashion right now.Copy !req
112. People would die to be in his show.Copy !req
113. I can't.Copy !req
114. I'm a hermit crab now.Copy !req
115. Gryootings, Derek Zoolownder.Copy !req
116. I already told you!Copy !req
117. It's like you're not even listening to me!Copy !req
118. Derek, uh...Copy !req
119. Eric.Copy !req
120. Maybe it's time to engage
with the world again.Copy !req
121. Think about it, man.
This could be a sign.Copy !req
122. And what if it's a stop sign, Billy?Copy !req
123. I used to be a successful
model/fashion icon.Copy !req
124. Now, I'm just a model/failure.Copy !req
125. Slash-guy who is still a model/father.Copy !req
126. Slash-guy who killed his wifeCopy !req
127. using cheap building materials
that collapsed on her.Copy !req
128. Slash-guy who has got
to stop beating himself up about that!Copy !req
129. Slash-guy who couldn't
make spaghetti softCopy !req
130. so they took away his son,Copy !req
131. so-slash-now he's alone
and hiding from the world.Copy !req
132. Slash.Copy !req
133. Slash-have you ever even tried
to get your son back?Copy !req
134. You can do that?Copy !req
135. Yeah. You'd hire a litigator,Copy !req
136. he files the appropriate paperwork...Copy !req
137. But I don't even know where he is.Copy !req
138. First things first.Copy !req
139. If you take this job
that Alexanya's offering you,Copy !req
140. you could prove to Child ServicesCopy !req
141. that you're a productive
member of society again.Copy !req
142. Go to Rome.Copy !req
143. Find yourself.Copy !req
144. Become the father you were meant to beCopy !req
145. and get your boy back.Copy !req
146. Safe journey, my friend!Copy !req
147. Thanks, Billy!Copy !req
148. What have you got?Copy !req
149. Ball and chain not happy.Copy !req
150. Sorry I'm late!Copy !req
151. Oh, my gosh.Copy !req
152. I was finishing up ShavasanaCopy !req
153. and this sandstorm
kicked up out of nowhere.Copy !req
154. I'm okay, though.Copy !req
155. Ah, Natalka, you look beautiful.Copy !req
156. Really?Copy !req
157. Yes, really.Copy !req
158. Dinner is ruined!Copy !req
159. Guys, I told you
not to wait for me, didn't I?Copy !req
160. Remember, we talked about this.Copy !req
161. Can't we just take it slow?Copy !req
162. When I met you guys two years ago,Copy !req
163. it was the best orgy of my life.Copy !req
164. Let's get back to that feeling.Copy !req
165. It's there.Copy !req
166. Hansel.Copy !req
167. Every relationship has to evolve.Copy !req
168. And somehow, you've managed
to stay the same.Copy !req
169. But you're gonna
have to change, my man.Copy !req
170. 'Cause change, she is a-comin'.Copy !req
171. What?Copy !req
172. Natalka.Copy !req
173. All of you?Copy !req
174. How is this even possible?Copy !req
175. We thought you'd be happy.Copy !req
176. Well, I am happy.Copy !req
177. That, uh...Copy !req
178. It's just a lot to process,
and that's what I'm doing.Copy !req
179. To be honest,Copy !req
180. I've never seen myself
in this role, you know, as a...Copy !req
181. You mean a father?Copy !req
182. Well... Uh... I...Copy !req
183. Let me... I want to check on...Copy !req
184. On the camel here!Copy !req
185. Who am I?Copy !req
186. Who am I?Copy !req
187. Hey, Hansel!Copy !req
188. Billy Zane?Copy !req
189. Got your Netflix.Copy !req
190. And this.Copy !req
191. - Thanks very much.
- No, it's my bag.Copy !req
192. Excuse me, I think that's...Copy !req
193. No, trust me, this is my bag.Copy !req
194. - Just look at the ticket right here.
- Hansel.Copy !req
195. Never heard of him, honcho.Copy !req
196. Look right here at the ticket
and you can see that...Copy !req
197. Derek Zoolander.Copy !req
198. Hi. It's been a long time.Copy !req
199. Yeah. Not long enough.Copy !req
200. Now, if you'll excuse me,
I think I should peace.Copy !req
201. Wait a minute!Copy !req
202. We haven't seen each other since...Copy !req
203. Since the building you designedCopy !req
204. fell on my face and ruined my career?Copy !req
205. Yeah, it's been a while.Copy !req
206. It was an accident. I didn't mean to...Copy !req
207. You didn't mean to build
the support beams out of Popsicle sticksCopy !req
208. and highly-flammable rubber cement?Copy !req
209. That was just a little accident?Copy !req
210. Yeah.Copy !req
211. This is it. Forever.Copy !req
212. Because I promise you,Copy !req
213. this is the last time
we will ever see each other.Copy !req
214. Right here, this moment.Copy !req
215. Good-bye forever.Copy !req
216. Works for me.Copy !req
217. Hope you're not an epiplectic,Copy !req
218. because we're about to get blinded.Copy !req
219. Yep. Here we go.Copy !req
220. Susan Boyle, right here!Copy !req
221. Take a picture of that!Copy !req
222. Vultures!Copy !req
223. I guess with my beard
and your disgusting face,Copy !req
224. they don't know who we are.Copy !req
225. Derek! Hansel!Copy !req
226. Hey, boys. I'm Vip.Copy !req
227. - Vip?
- Yeah.Copy !req
228. I'm in charge of social media
for Don Atari.Copy !req
229. I've been working for him since I was 10.Copy !req
230. How old are you now?Copy !req
231. Eleven.Copy !req
232. Should we go to the hotel?Copy !req
233. Pretty strange, you and I
both getting called backCopy !req
234. to the big stage like this.Copy !req
235. A gig's a gig.
I'm just doing this to get my son back.Copy !req
236. Explain how doing a fashion show's
gonna accomplish that.Copy !req
237. Simple. Child Services hears
I'm working again,Copy !req
238. KKK, a responsible parent,Copy !req
239. and they give me my son back.Copy !req
240. Responsible parent?Copy !req
241. What? You don't think I could be one?Copy !req
242. No, it just brings up
some junk from the past.Copy !req
243. I didn't have a father.Copy !req
244. It's kind of my big issue right now.Copy !req
245. - You didn't have a father?
- Nah.Copy !req
246. All my mom ever told me
was my dad was a beat cop.Copy !req
247. Always on the road.Copy !req
248. The road away from little Hansel.Copy !req
249. Valentina. You're going to
want to see this.Copy !req
250. Check out Mr. Disco Barry Gibb.Copy !req
251. Zoolander is in Rome?Copy !req
252. Welcome to the Palazzo D'Caca.Copy !req
253. The entire hotel is biodegradableCopy !req
254. and made from reclaimed human waste.Copy !req
255. This is the ultra-exclusive, fully-toxic,Copy !req
256. Zero-Footprint Suite.Copy !req
257. The masseuses at the spa
are all homeless.Copy !req
258. And the hotel
has complimentary farm-to-table Wi-Fi.Copy !req
259. Wait... We're rooming together?Copy !req
260. Mmm-hmm.Copy !req
261. There must be some mistake.Copy !req
262. I'll call Billy Zane.Copy !req
263. Good idea.Copy !req
264. Look, tiny phone! That is so retro.Copy !req
265. I'm gonna take a picture of it
with my phone.Copy !req
266. This is Billy Zane.
I'm not here right...Copy !req
267. Well, Don Atari
is waiting for you down in the lobby.Copy !req
268. Oh, and don't drink the water
or you'll die.Copy !req
269. I just have one question.Copy !req
270. Yeah?Copy !req
271. What in the world is farm-to-table Wi-Fi?Copy !req
272. You're asking me?Copy !req
273. Muchacho, I have no idea.Copy !req
274. - For serious?
- No!Copy !req
275. Because when Vip said that,
you had this look on your face, like,Copy !req
276. "I totally know
what farm-to-table Wi-Fi is!"Copy !req
277. I was acting cool
'cause I thought you knew.Copy !req
278. I thought you knew!Copy !req
279. No, I just didn't want Vip
to think I was uncool!Copy !req
280. I miss not knowing things with you.Copy !req
281. Yeah. Me, too.Copy !req
282. Why didn't we do this sooner?Copy !req
283. Because we've both been in hidingCopy !req
284. since the day I killed my wifeCopy !req
285. and permanently disfigured you.Copy !req
286. Oh, yeah, that's probably it.Copy !req
287. That was the day I lost the fire.Copy !req
288. The fire?Copy !req
289. The fire in my face.Copy !req
290. It's kind of my big issue right now.Copy !req
291. You still got it, D-Zone.
You're Derek Zoolander.Copy !req
292. You stopped a Chinese throwing star
in mid-air with a look.Copy !req
293. I was there.Copy !req
294. That's not me anymore.Copy !req
295. Yes, it is.Copy !req
296. Hey, flash me that beautiful look.Copy !req
297. Give me that incredible Magnum.Copy !req
298. No!Copy !req
299. Think fast. Magnum.Copy !req
300. Wait, no!Copy !req
301. Magnum! Now!Copy !req
302. Oh!Copy !req
303. Come on! You got this,
but you got to focus!Copy !req
304. - Come on!
- Hansel, stop!Copy !req
305. You got this! Yeah!Copy !req
306. Maybe we could try a wash cloth?Copy !req
307. - Tequila!
- Hansel, no!Copy !req
308. No! It's not working!Copy !req
309. Ah, you're right.Copy !req
310. What happened to us?Copy !req
311. You mean me.Copy !req
312. You still have it.Copy !req
313. No, I don't.Copy !req
314. Look at this face. It's a horror show.Copy !req
315. Come on, Hansel. It can't be that bad.Copy !req
316. It is.Copy !req
317. - Take off your mask.
- No.Copy !req
318. No way.Copy !req
319. No one's ever seen me
without this mask.Copy !req
320. And no one ever will.Copy !req
321. I think I know the real you.Copy !req
322. And it has nothing to do
with the way you look.Copy !req
323. You mean that?Copy !req
324. Of course, I do.Copy !req
325. Okay.Copy !req
326. No!Copy !req
327. It's disgusting! Put it back!Copy !req
328. I was wrong, please,
put the mask back on! It's so gross!Copy !req
329. I can't be friends with you
if you look like that! Please!Copy !req
330. It is so disgusting!
Please, put it back!Copy !req
331. Please, Hansel, put it back, I was wrong!Copy !req
332. No. This feels good.Copy !req
333. Could you please put the mask back onCopy !req
334. so I can concentrate on
what you're saying?Copy !req
335. No! I'm done hiding.Copy !req
336. Look, there's only one way
for us to find ourselves.Copy !req
337. Know what that is?Copy !req
338. Look inward and connect
with our authentic truth?Copy !req
339. No. I was gonna say
become the two biggest,Copy !req
340. hottest models in the world again.Copy !req
341. Okay.Copy !req
342. Okay. So what say
we get you cleaned up,Copy !req
343. shave that billy goat beard,Copy !req
344. go downstairs and show these punks
what real fashion looks like?Copy !req
345. Oh, my God. Yes, dude!Copy !req
346. Yes! You guys look so lame.
I love it, dude.Copy !req
347. You ninjas dressed up
all old-school just to meet me.Copy !req
348. So Jedi.Copy !req
349. You guys suck. Both of you guys suck.Copy !req
350. You look great.Copy !req
351. Thanks.Copy !req
352. I'm Don Atari. What up?Copy !req
353. What up, Hansel?Copy !req
354. Yeah. That's sick.Copy !req
355. Wait a minute. "I'll call Billy...".Copy !req
356. I just said that!Copy !req
357. I know. Like, 15 minutes ago, right?Copy !req
358. Vip told me, so I made these retro shirtsCopy !req
359. with your old catchphrase on it.Copy !req
360. Cool.Copy !req
361. Hey, let me introduce
my collective, dude.Copy !req
362. They're all losers, I hate these guys.Copy !req
363. We got TRS-80, KITT...Copy !req
364. Rubik, my man Gleek.Copy !req
365. Eh, this guy gives
the best shitty tattoos ever.Copy !req
366. He's a genius. His tattoos are so stupid.Copy !req
367. He's the one who did
my Colonel Sanders.Copy !req
368. Look at that, pretty epic, huh?Copy !req
369. It sucks, I don't like it, dude.Copy !req
370. Why would I do this to myself?
I never wanted this on me.Copy !req
371. I love it, dude. I got it
when my grandfather died.Copy !req
372. That's really cool.Copy !req
373. So, uh, what's the deal with the show?Copy !req
374. Yeah, where do you want us
to fire up this chainsaw?Copy !req
375. Colosseum? Trevi Fountain?
Spanish Steps?Copy !req
376. What? No way, dude.Copy !req
377. Those places are gnar-gnar bo-bo.Copy !req
378. We're holding it
in an abandoned medical waste facilityCopy !req
379. on top of an industrial trash heap.Copy !req
380. It's totally toxic, but super chill.Copy !req
381. Cool! Sounds dope.Copy !req
382. Yeah, fresh.Copy !req
383. Oh, what?Copy !req
384. You guys are like,
"Sounds dope!"Fresh!"Copy !req
385. They're doing the voices and everything!Copy !req
386. I didn't think you guys
would do the voices. That's sick!Copy !req
387. "Sounds dope! Sounds fresh!"Copy !req
388. I don't like you guys.
It's an honor to have you.Copy !req
389. Hey, retreads!Copy !req
390. I want to introduce you all to my museCopy !req
391. and basically, like,
the biggest supermodelCopy !req
392. in the whole world right now, dude.Copy !req
393. This is All.Copy !req
394. All what?Copy !req
395. We are All.Copy !req
396. So, are you like a male model
or a female model?Copy !req
397. All is not defined by binary constructs.Copy !req
398. That's cool. I don't like labels, either.Copy !req
399. But I think he's asking,
do you have a hot dog or a bun?Copy !req
400. Do you have a wiener or vergiener?Copy !req
401. All is all to all.Copy !req
402. By the way, All just
married hermself, dude.Copy !req
403. Monomarriage is finally legal in Italy.Copy !req
404. I support that.Copy !req
405. Derek, that's pretty good, right?Copy !req
406. Uh, I'm sorry, are you not comfortableCopy !req
407. with people like All
in the workplace or something?Copy !req
408. No. Of course, I am.Copy !req
409. I mean, like, if your son or
whatever came to you and said,Copy !req
410. "Hey, Dad, I really want to marry All,"Copy !req
411. like, wouldn't you be so stoked for that?Copy !req
412. Isn't that, like, exactly what you want?Copy !req
413. Imagine All walking in, being like,Copy !req
414. "We'll finally be together."Copy !req
415. You'd be like hella stoked for that, right?Copy !req
416. Yeah.Copy !req
417. I'd be, like, totally stoked.Copy !req
418. All is done here. Atari.Copy !req
419. See you, fools.Copy !req
420. Guys, Alexanya Atoz is here!Copy !req
421. The show must begin now!Copy !req
422. Wow. Alexanya Atoz.Copy !req
423. They say she doesn't walk.
She just floats.Copy !req
424. She looks even better in person.Copy !req
425. Ah, I got those juices flowing again.Copy !req
426. Just put us out there. Let us do our thing.Copy !req
427. Come on! Come on!Copy !req
428. Chop, chop! Lay down, lay down!Copy !req
429. Get in, get in. Take off your robes.Copy !req
430. Go! Go! Go!Copy !req
431. Derek! I have a really
good feeling about this.Copy !req
432. I know. I feel so alive!Copy !req
433. Oh!Copy !req
434. "Old"?Copy !req
435. "Lamé"?Copy !req
436. Ha! Yah!Copy !req
437. Quit it, All!Copy !req
438. Hot dog!
It's definitely a hot dog!Copy !req
439. All is done.Copy !req
440. "Prunes"?Copy !req
441. So let me tell you what I think worked.Copy !req
442. I think we got to shake off
some of the rust.Copy !req
443. I was trying out a few new looks,Copy !req
444. although it might have been hard to seeCopy !req
445. through all the dates, or,
was it, you know, prunes?Copy !req
446. Hansel, are you insane?Copy !req
447. We were a joke out there.Copy !req
448. A total laughing stick.Copy !req
449. What do you want me to say?
I mean, I know...Copy !req
450. I know we looked like idiots,Copy !req
451. but I'm trying to make the best of it!Copy !req
452. Knuck, knuck!Copy !req
453. Not now! We...Copy !req
454. You...Copy !req
455. two...Copy !req
456. vere amowzing.Copy !req
457. Deeryuck.Copy !req
458. Your fece so hundsome.Copy !req
459. Und, Hansel, so stemmy.Copy !req
460. Ridowkulously stemmy and hyot.Copy !req
461. I'm sorry. I can't understand
a word that you're saying.Copy !req
462. I want to invite you to be my gyuestsCopy !req
463. at the most elite
fishion event in housetory.Copy !req
464. The IncrediBall.Copy !req
465. Oh, what!Copy !req
466. The IncrediBall?Copy !req
467. Is that like the Met Ball?Copy !req
468. No, sveet, stupid Deryuck.Copy !req
469. For the first time
in the housetory of fishion,Copy !req
470. all of the most important
designers will come togetherCopy !req
471. under one rureff.Copy !req
472. I trust you will be dereCopy !req
473. with your hyot and stemmy feces.Copy !req
474. Dudes. Holy Shazbot! What!Copy !req
475. You're guys are gonna be
the center-pizzle of IncrediBall!Copy !req
476. What does that mean?Copy !req
477. The center-pizzle of IncrediBall.Copy !req
478. That was bananas, Johnny.Copy !req
479. I'm done.Copy !req
480. What? Derek, what are you
talking about?Copy !req
481. Did you not hear what they just said?Copy !req
482. We're going to be the center
of the IncrediBall.Copy !req
483. I can only pray that nobody from
Child Services attended the showCopy !req
484. or I'll never get little Derek back.Copy !req
485. What about all the attention?Copy !req
486. This is exactly
what we were talking about!Copy !req
487. No, Hansel. It's exactly
what you were talking about.Copy !req
488. We don't fit in anymore.Copy !req
489. Don Atari and All
and that creepy little Vip!Copy !req
490. - I don't want any part of it!
- Derek.Copy !req
491. Derek!Copy !req
492. Derek! D-rock!Copy !req
493. Derek Zoolander?Copy !req
494. Yes.Copy !req
495. Valentina Valencia.Copy !req
496. Interpol, Global Fashion Division.Copy !req
497. Fashion Police? We're clean, lady.
Go harass somebody else.Copy !req
498. Besides, I'm out of fashion.Copy !req
499. I need to talk to you.Copy !req
500. It has to do with
the death of Justin Bieber.Copy !req
501. His death is not my problem.Copy !req
502. Look, I'm trying to find out
who's killing the pop stars of the world.Copy !req
503. And I think you're my only chance.Copy !req
504. What part of "not my problem"
did you not understand?Copy !req
505. None of it.Copy !req
506. So you did understand
the part about it not being my problem,Copy !req
507. or you didn't understand any part of it
not being a part of my problem?Copy !req
508. No, no, no, Derek.Copy !req
509. I think what she's saying is that
she understands what you're saying,Copy !req
510. but she doesn't accept it.Copy !req
511. Hansel! It's all too confusing.Copy !req
512. I thought coming here
would help me find myself,Copy !req
513. and possibly my son.Copy !req
514. But this is more than I bargained for.Copy !req
515. This hermit crab
is crawling back into his planetarium.Copy !req
516. I can use the database at Interpol
to help you find your son.Copy !req
517. If you help me.Copy !req
518. I think we got to play ball with her.Copy !req
519. She's got some kind of databaseCopy !req
520. or something that she saysCopy !req
521. will help us find little Derek.Copy !req
522. And she's hot.Copy !req
523. I trust her.Copy !req
524. So, before Bieber died,
he Twitpic'd this look.Copy !req
525. He posted it to the blogspot
for his summer concert tour.Copy !req
526. He was trying to send a message.Copy !req
527. It's Blue Steel, right?Copy !req
528. What are you, a fucking idiot?Copy !req
529. Yeah, that's Blue Steel.Copy !req
530. My question is,
is Interpol one of those socialist thingsCopy !req
531. where they hire
mentally-impaired people?Copy !req
532. I... I know.Copy !req
533. That's right.Copy !req
534. I heard your mother worked here.Copy !req
535. Oh, snap!Copy !req
536. My mother doesn't work here.Copy !req
537. No more games, okay?Copy !req
538. Is this Blue Steel or not?Copy !req
539. Not even close.Copy !req
540. I knew what it was the moment I saw it.Copy !req
541. It's an old one... From the 90s.Copy !req
542. It was for a body lotion campaign I did.Copy !req
543. I called it "Aqua Vitae".Copy !req
544. Young forever.Copy !req
545. Moo!Copy !req
546. Still holds up.Copy !req
547. Notice the curvature
of my right eyebrow.Copy !req
548. It's night and day from Blue Steel.Copy !req
549. He's right.Copy !req
550. When I overlay them, there are over
14,000 different facial anomalies.Copy !req
551. Wow.Copy !req
552. I had no idea there was
so much subtlety involved.Copy !req
553. Please accept my apologies, Derek.Copy !req
554. None taken.Copy !req
555. Whoa!Copy !req
556. Filippo, we need to find
everything there is on Aqua Vitae.Copy !req
557. Hold on a second, lady. A deal's a deal.Copy !req
558. Now, you help me find my son.Copy !req
559. Sure.Copy !req
560. His name is Derek Jr.?Copy !req
561. Yes.Copy !req
562. Have you ever Facebooked him?Copy !req
563. No, thanks. Matilda facebooked...Copy !req
564. and it killed her.Copy !req
565. Found him.Copy !req
566. He's at the Orphanage
Del Piccolo Cletusi.Copy !req
567. Here.Copy !req
568. In Rome.Copy !req
569. Wait. What?Copy !req
570. He's in Rome.Copy !req
571. That's convenient. So we can
hit that party at the IncrediBall.Copy !req
572. A little too convenient.Copy !req
573. Someone wants you here, guys.Copy !req
574. But who?Copy !req
575. Listen to me.Copy !req
576. Be careful
at the orphanage.Copy !req
577. And trust no one at House of Atoz.Copy !req
578. I'll see what I can find.Copy !req
579. Thanks for coming with me.
I feel kind of nervous.Copy !req
580. Hey. You're showing up. Feel good.Copy !req
581. That must be him.Copy !req
582. Where?Copy !req
583. He's even more gorgeous
than I imagined.Copy !req
584. You're a lucky man.Copy !req
585. You there. Boy.Copy !req
586. - What's his name?
- Who?Copy !req
587. Him?Copy !req
588. That's Fabrizio.Copy !req
589. Fabrizio.Copy !req
590. What a beautiful name.Copy !req
591. He used to be called Derek Jr.Copy !req
592. Really? That's strange,
'cause that's my name.Copy !req
593. Bye, mister.Copy !req
594. - Let's go.
- What?Copy !req
595. - Let's go.
- Why?Copy !req
596. I can't do this.Copy !req
597. Why not?Copy !req
598. He's fat! The fat one is Derek Jr.Copy !req
599. No, that chubby kid's name is Fatlander.Copy !req
600. I heard them call him that.Copy !req
601. Don't you get it?
He switched the "Zoo" part with "Fat".Copy !req
602. That's how he came up with "Fatlander".
Fat equals Zoo!Copy !req
603. So wait. You're saying that
just because your son is fatCopy !req
604. that makes him some sort
of terrible person?Copy !req
605. Maybe you're right.Copy !req
606. No, I'm asking.Copy !req
607. Does being fat
make someone a terrible person?Copy !req
608. And I'm agreeing with you.Copy !req
609. I seriously think my fat son
might be a terrible person.Copy !req
610. And it doesn't make him
a good person, I know that.Copy !req
611. But I don't know what to say.Copy !req
612. I think you better puddle-talk it out.Copy !req
613. So I guess I have a lot to ponder.Copy !req
614. You sure do.Copy !req
615. Derek.Copy !req
616. What? Who's that?Copy !req
617. I don't know. It wasn't me.Copy !req
618. Derek.Copy !req
619. Derek.Copy !req
620. Ghost of Matilda? Is that really you?Copy !req
621. Yes, Derek.Copy !req
622. I'm sorry I haven't
been in touch, but I've just been so dead.Copy !req
623. Listen.Copy !req
624. You must love our son.Copy !req
625. He needs you.Copy !req
626. But beware of the Headmaster.Copy !req
627. What's happening to you?Copy !req
628. Love our son.Copy !req
629. - Ew!
- And beware the Headmaster.Copy !req
630. Hello.Copy !req
631. I'm the Headmaster.Copy !req
632. Derek Zoolander...Copy !req
633. I'm assuming.Copy !req
634. Because I've never met you ever.Copy !req
635. Mr. Hansel informs me
that you'd like to see your son.Copy !req
636. Easily arranged. Come.Copy !req
637. I should tell you,
your son is incredibly gifted.Copy !req
638. Hello.Copy !req
639. If you want
to find the Spirits in the Material World,Copy !req
640. you need to talk
to the Ghost in the Machine.Copy !req
641. What? Who is this?Copy !req
642. I have a Message in a Bottle for you,Copy !req
643. so don't go to The Police.Copy !req
644. Okay, don't go to the police
'cause there's a message in a bottle.Copy !req
645. Okay, I got it.Copy !req
646. Now go prank call someone else, idiot.Copy !req
647. Here they are now.Copy !req
648. Hey, there, sport.Copy !req
649. I hear someone's a fat little smartypants.Copy !req
650. I'll leave you to it, then.Copy !req
651. I'm gonna let you two catch upCopy !req
652. and maybe hit the spa back at the Caca.Copy !req
653. Look, I know you have
a lot of unresolved feelings,Copy !req
654. but I'm still your father.Copy !req
655. You're not my father. You weren't there.Copy !req
656. That wasn't my choice.
I was there when you were little.Copy !req
657. Most kids play catch with their father.Copy !req
658. They don't go with them
to a thong shoot.Copy !req
659. There are lots of
starving children in AfricaCopy !req
660. who would die to go to a thong shoot.Copy !req
661. What?Copy !req
662. Look, let me make it up to you.Copy !req
663. Let's go play ball-catching now.Copy !req
664. Ball-catching?Copy !req
665. So how's the family reunion going?Copy !req
666. Great. I'd like to check him outCopy !req
667. for a few hours, if that's okay.Copy !req
668. Sure. As long as he's back by sundown.Copy !req
669. He seems like a nice guy.Copy !req
670. You seem like an idiot.Copy !req
671. Okay, I think I know
what would help right now.Copy !req
672. What?Copy !req
673. Frozen chocolata gelato!Copy !req
674. Ciao!Copy !req
675. Oh, my God!Copy !req
676. Hashtag, oops.Copy !req
677. You know, sometimes it takes an
extremely traumatic experienceCopy !req
678. to make you appreciate
a good makeover.Copy !req
679. Am I right?Copy !req
680. Derek?Copy !req
681. Derek Jr.!Copy !req
682. - Are you mentally insane?
- What?Copy !req
683. What are you reading?
I Am Malalalala?Copy !req
684. No books! Think of your mother.Copy !req
685. What's the big deal?
Mom read tons of books.Copy !req
686. And a one-ton book killed her.Copy !req
687. The book didn't kill Mom. You did.Copy !req
688. And you nearly killed me, too.Copy !req
689. Come on. Look at us.
We look ridiculous.Copy !req
690. What, okay,
maybe your pants are a little loose.Copy !req
691. - Are you serious right now?
- What?Copy !req
692. I don't want to be anything like you!Copy !req
693. You're a has-been!Copy !req
694. And you are the most narcissistic,Copy !req
695. self-involved person I've ever met!Copy !req
696. But that's not how I think of me.Copy !req
697. I'm going back to school.Copy !req
698. Little Derek, come back here!Copy !req
699. I thought we were gonna
give each other facials!Copy !req
700. Wait.Copy !req
701. How did you learn to speak Italian?Copy !req
702. Because I'm smart!Copy !req
703. Mom was smart, too.Copy !req
704. The only stupid thing she ever didCopy !req
705. was fall in love with you.Copy !req
706. I don't even have the words
to express what a burn that is.Copy !req
707. I don't know what to say.Copy !req
708. No, I mean I literally
don't have the vocabulary to respond.Copy !req
709. You're like a walking Tyrannosaurus.Copy !req
710. You mean "walking thesaurus".Copy !req
711. I don't know.Copy !req
712. I guess it's nice
that you want to reconnect or whatever.Copy !req
713. But we're too different.Copy !req
714. And it's too late.Copy !req
715. Thanks for the gelato.Copy !req
716. Orgy.Copy !req
717. Hi there, Hansel.Copy !req
718. I heard youCopy !req
719. are on the rebound.Copy !req
720. No, no. I'm still... Still committed.Copy !req
721. We're just taking a
little time to kind of...Copy !req
722. Doesn't mean we can't enjoy
each other's bodies.Copy !req
723. Oh, damn it.Copy !req
724. Hansel.Copy !req
725. Meaningless sex always makes me
feel better about myself.Copy !req
726. Come on.Copy !req
727. Ooh.Copy !req
728. Hansel!Copy !req
729. We know you're in there!Copy !req
730. Stay here. Stay here.Copy !req
731. Hansel, let us in! We want to apologize!Copy !req
732. Come back to the pigpile, Hansel.Copy !req
733. Touch-a, touch-a, touch me.
I want to be dirty.Copy !req
734. That's it. I've had enough.
Everybody, back up.Copy !req
735. Back! Back!Copy !req
736. Hello! Hello!Copy !req
737. Ah.Copy !req
738. My gosh.Copy !req
739. God... Ow!Copy !req
740. Oh, Hansel.Copy !req
741. Okay. You guys have a talk.
I'm going to a bar.Copy !req
742. That's a good idea. Yeah, go.Copy !req
743. Hey...Copy !req
744. You are a basic bitch.Copy !req
745. Come on, let's go. Come on. Out.Copy !req
746. I can kill you.Copy !req
747. Please. Let me just explain.Copy !req
748. Guys, you didn't
even give me a chance to explain!Copy !req
749. Hansel, how can you expect
to love 11 peopleCopy !req
750. when you don't even love yourself?Copy !req
751. I hope they were worth it.Copy !req
752. That's not fair.Copy !req
753. Kiefer!Copy !req
754. Kiefer!Copy !req
755. Hey, where did everybody go?
I wasn't done with that hippo.Copy !req
756. Who am I?Copy !req
757. Who am I?Copy !req
758. - Derek?
- Hey, Hansel.Copy !req
759. Are you trying to figure out
who you are, also?Copy !req
760. Yep.Copy !req
761. Hey, Katy!Copy !req
762. Yeah, it's like,
when will we find out who we really are?Copy !req
763. I know, right?Copy !req
764. Who am I?Copy !req
765. Neil deGrasse Tyson.Copy !req
766. Even you don't know who you are?Copy !req
767. In an ever-expanding universe,Copy !req
768. slowly pulling itself apart
into nothingness,Copy !req
769. what use does the question
"Who am I?" even have?Copy !req
770. Neil, I got to say,
you're totally blowing my mind right now.Copy !req
771. That's what I do.Copy !req
772. I'm Neil deGrasse Tyson, bitch.Copy !req
773. Whoo!Copy !req
774. Hansel! Derek!
You have to come to Interpol!Copy !req
775. I have incredible news!Copy !req
776. We did
a full diagnostic on your Aqua Vitae look,Copy !req
777. and a linguistics analysis
on its etymology.Copy !req
778. The direct translation is "Water of Life."Copy !req
779. But many have
interpreted it another way.Copy !req
780. "The Fountain of Youth".Copy !req
781. Okay, look, I only
worked there for a summer.Copy !req
782. And, no, they don't give happy endings.Copy !req
783. No, Derek. The actual Fountain of Youth.Copy !req
784. Can you imagine if the Fountain of
Youth indeed does exist...Copy !req
785. And if Alexanya Atoz
could market such a liquid...Copy !req
786. Do you ever get that feelingCopy !req
787. when you see
beautiful teenager girl with perfect skinCopy !req
788. and you want to kill her
and take her skinCopy !req
789. and put it on your skin?Copy !req
790. We bottled that feeling.Copy !req
791. House of Atoz Yowth Milk.Copy !req
792. she would make billions.Copy !req
793. Excuse me.Copy !req
794. Orgy?Copy !req
795. You are in serious danger.Copy !req
796. Don't Stand So Close To Me.Copy !req
797. Come on. It's this prank caller again.Copy !req
798. - Put it on speaker.
- What... Why?Copy !req
799. Just put it on speaker!Copy !req
800. Who is this?Copy !req
801. I am your King of Pain.Copy !req
802. Every breath this guy takes, I'm like,
"What are you talking about?"Copy !req
803. Oh, Jesus.Copy !req
804. Just meet me
at Saint Peter's Basilica at midnight.Copy !req
805. Sounds like this guy's really into Sting.Copy !req
806. I model my life after Sting.Copy !req
807. And Bieber was killed
in front of Sting's villa.Copy !req
808. What?Copy !req
809. Forgive me, Father.Copy !req
810. I have many sins
that I would like to confess.Copy !req
811. One of my sins has to do with
the death of Justin Bieber.Copy !req
812. No way.Copy !req
813. Hey, Derek.Copy !req
814. Hey, Sting.Copy !req
815. And hello, sweet Hansel.Copy !req
816. Hi.Copy !req
817. You two know each other?Copy !req
818. Sadly, we've never met.Copy !req
819. And yet I feel like I've known you...Copy !req
820. my entire life.Copy !req
821. Tell me.Copy !req
822. Have you heard of
the Fountain of Youth?Copy !req
823. Yes. Why does everybody
keep asking me that?Copy !req
824. No, Derek, not the hand job
joint you worked at in SoHo.Copy !req
825. The real Fountain of Youth.Copy !req
826. It dates back some 6,000 years.Copy !req
827. Its original location is thought to have
been the Garden of Eden.Copy !req
828. You mean the Turkish bathhouse
I used to work at in Tribeca?Copy !req
829. No, Derek. The Garden of Eden.Copy !req
830. The birthplace of Adam and EveCopy !req
831. and Steve.Copy !req
832. Steve? Who's Steve?Copy !req
833. Steve is the original supermodel.Copy !req
834. The first of the purebloods.Copy !req
835. He was said to be so beautiful,Copy !req
836. with a look so powerful...Copy !req
837. that even
the pools of water he gazed uponCopy !req
838. could not reflect his beauty back to him.Copy !req
839. That look...Copy !req
840. That look was called "El Niño".Copy !req
841. But, honestly, I've never heard of Steve.Copy !req
842. Countless lives throughout historyCopy !req
843. have been lost to make sure of that.Copy !req
844. Evil forces have hunted
his offspring for centuries.Copy !req
845. For the legend statesCopy !req
846. that if you wrench the still-beating heartCopy !req
847. from the gorgeous body
of a true descendent of SteveCopy !req
848. and drink its blood,Copy !req
849. you will obtain eternal beauty.Copy !req
850. So the Fountai n of Youth
is not a fountain at all.Copy !req
851. The Fountain of Youth is...Copy !req
852. A person.Copy !req
853. And not just anyone.Copy !req
854. A direct descendent of Steve.Copy !req
855. The Chosen One.Copy !req
856. How do you know all this?Copy !req
857. Because I, and many rock stars
like me, are his protectors.Copy !req
858. You see, there are only a few genesCopy !req
859. that separate the greatest rock
stars in history from male models.Copy !req
860. Which genes are those?Copy !req
861. The ones for talent and intelligence.Copy !req
862. Of course.Copy !req
863. We were entrusted
to protect the Chosen Ones.Copy !req
864. But who is the Chosen One?Copy !req
865. We believe it is your son.Copy !req
866. And that he is in grave danger.Copy !req
867. But he's back at the school!Copy !req
868. We have to get to him before something
terrible happens to him!Copy !req
869. No. Wait. Hansel. Look into my eyes.Copy !req
870. Is there anything you want to ask me?Copy !req
871. Anything at all?Copy !req
872. Do you really have sex for ten hours?Copy !req
873. No comment.Copy !req
874. Fifteen.Copy !req
875. Farewell, my handsome boy.Copy !req
876. - Farewell.
- Good-bye, Sting.Copy !req
877. Bolt cutters!Copy !req
878. He's gone!Copy !req
879. It's like no one was ever here.Copy !req
880. It was a wig.Copy !req
881. What?Copy !req
882. It was a wig the whole time.Copy !req
883. That was a wig?Copy !req
884. That Headmaster
wasn't a good guy at all!Copy !req
885. No!Copy !req
886. No! No! No!Copy !req
887. Derek!Copy !req
888. Derek, relax!Copy !req
889. Don't do it.Copy !req
890. When you want to go to it.Copy !req
891. - Filippo.
- Si.Copy !req
892. I need you to pull up everything you haveCopy !req
893. on the man who was arrested
back in 2001Copy !req
894. for brainwashing Zoolander.Copy !req
895. Facial scans to be cross-referencedCopy !req
896. with security footage
of the headmaster of the orphanage.Copy !req
897. It's a positive I.D.Copy !req
898. The Headmaster
didn't have a name or papers.Copy !req
899. Oh, my God.Copy !req
900. It's the evil breakdancing DJ.Copy !req
901. He was arrested with Mugatu
and his accomplice back in 2001.Copy !req
902. It's Katinka
Ingaborgovinananananana.Copy !req
903. Where are they now?Copy !req
904. Ingaborgovinanananana
disappeared off the grid.Copy !req
905. It looks like the Evil DJ
came through the Swiss borderCopy !req
906. with forged papers
about three weeks ago.Copy !req
907. I suppose they could have...Copy !req
908. Driven to Rome
and kid napped Derek's son.Copy !req
909. Exactly!Copy !req
910. Which means the person
behind all of this is...Copy !req
911. Who?Copy !req
912. Who?Copy !req
913. Who are we talking about?Copy !req
914. Mugatu's in there.Copy !req
915. For ten years,
there has only been one nameCopy !req
916. on the list of visitors that he will allow.Copy !req
917. Thank you.Copy !req
918. For what?Copy !req
919. For helping us.Copy !req
920. When I was a little girl
growing up in Albacete,Copy !req
921. my room was covered
in pictures of Derek Zoolander.Copy !req
922. The most amazing model alive.Copy !req
923. Except I'm not one anymore.Copy !req
924. My son called me a has-been.Copy !req
925. I'm a has-been.Copy !req
926. What kind of has-been were you?Copy !req
927. I was a swimsuit model.Copy !req
928. - I'm so sorry.
- My heart goes out to you.Copy !req
929. I was never able
to transition to print or runway.Copy !req
930. To your world of high fashion.Copy !req
931. Because of these.Copy !req
932. These intrusive, oversized naturals.Copy !req
933. These things could never fit
into a sample size.Copy !req
934. Gross.Copy !req
935. You need to go for this now...Copy !req
936. Not later. Now.Copy !req
937. - Hansel, are you serious?
- Yes.Copy !req
938. While Matilda lies warm in her grave?Copy !req
939. Matilda's been dead for years.
You need to move on.Copy !req
940. Honestly, by now
she's just a couple of teeth.Copy !req
941. A piece of spine.Copy !req
942. Maybe a little skull fragment,
like that guy from Tales from the Crypt.Copy !req
943. The Crypt Keeper.Copy !req
944. Hansel, stop it! I'm not ready.Copy !req
945. The world's most
notorious fashion criminals are in there.Copy !req
946. Be careful, Derek.
He'll try to get inside your head.Copy !req
947. Don't worry. It's closed for business.Copy !req
948. Give 'em hell, Derek.Copy !req
949. You're goin' down, Zoolander!Copy !req
950. You're goin' down, listen to me!Copy !req
951. You better listen to the Hammer!
Can't touch this!Copy !req
952. No! No! Zoolander
can't touch Mugatu! No!Copy !req
953. Shut up, Hammer!Copy !req
954. Members Only. Members Only.Copy !req
955. Epaulettes are not a crime.Copy !req
956. Smart casual. Smart casual.Copy !req
957. You can't touch him!Copy !req
958. Mr. Hammer is wrong!Copy !req
959. Derek Zoolander.Copy !req
960. I've been expecting you.Copy !req
961. What have you done with my son?Copy !req
962. Hands.Copy !req
963. Our most overrated appendage.Copy !req
964. When not allowed the use of them,Copy !req
965. you'd be surprised how quicklyCopy !req
966. feet can be trained to do
the exact same thing.Copy !req
967. Your son is doing wonderfully.Copy !req
968. From what the school tells
my offshore accountant...Copy !req
969. He's incredibly smart.Copy !req
970. Your accountant?Copy !req
971. Who do you think paid
for that fancy orphanage?Copy !req
972. When he was taken away from you,Copy !req
973. someone had to make sure
he got his eight square meals a day.Copy !req
974. Eight? You bastard!Copy !req
975. I'm sorry. I'd love
to keep talking about this,Copy !req
976. but I seem to have developed
a nasty itch.Copy !req
977. I'd ask you to scratch it for me,Copy !req
978. but no doubt you'd think
I was just trying to trick you.Copy !req
979. Or you're trying to make me
think I shouldn't help you.Copy !req
980. In which case, I should do the
opposite of that and help you.Copy !req
981. Or don't help me.Copy !req
982. I think that's even a better option.Copy !req
983. You're trying to switch it around on
me, but I won't take the bait.Copy !req
984. Sorry, Mugatu.Copy !req
985. I'm going with my first instinct.Copy !req
986. And helping you.Copy !req
987. I really wish you wouldn't.Copy !req
988. Too late. The die is cast.Copy !req
989. I'd prefer that you didn't.Copy !req
990. I'm going to do it.Copy !req
991. Please don't.Copy !req
992. Let me go!Copy !req
993. Not until you untie my straitjacket
and put it on, okay?Copy !req
994. If I do, will you let me go?Copy !req
995. No!Copy !req
996. Which means you will let me go.Copy !req
997. So I'll do it.Copy !req
998. Oh, my gosh.Copy !req
999. Okay!Copy !req
1000. Check and mate, Mugatu.Copy !req
1001. Your move.Copy !req
1002. You really are an idiot, aren't you?Copy !req
1003. Like, super, super white hot,
blazingly stupid.Copy !req
1004. For ten long years...Copy !req
1005. I've been plotting my escape
from this dreadful place.Copy !req
1006. For ten long years.
For ten long years.Copy !req
1007. Ten years spent creating some of the
most realistic and lifelike masks...Copy !req
1008. ever made.Copy !req
1009. One for you.Copy !req
1010. And one for me.Copy !req
1011. All so that today...Copy !req
1012. you can become me!Copy !req
1013. And I can become...Copy !req
1014. you!Copy !req
1015. That's it?Copy !req
1016. You'll never get away with this.Copy !req
1017. All of the guards
here are former male models.Copy !req
1018. Somehow I don't think
it's gonna be a problem.Copy !req
1019. Guard! Guard!Copy !req
1020. Will that be all, Mr. Zoolander?Copy !req
1021. That will be all.Copy !req
1022. No!Copy !req
1023. No!Copy !req
1024. Come back here, Mugatu!Copy !req
1025. Mugatu!Copy !req
1026. Go get Derek!Copy !req
1027. What?Copy !req
1028. Go get Derek!Copy !req
1029. And tell my orgy I love them!Copy !req
1030. Todd!Copy !req
1031. Where's my goddamn latte?Copy !req
1032. Oh, and, um, here.Copy !req
1033. What's that?Copy !req
1034. I missed you, too.Copy !req
1035. Alexanya!Copy !req
1036. Moo-Moo!Copy !req
1037. Alexanya!Copy !req
1038. Oh, no. Hey, sorry to interrupt.Copy !req
1039. What?Copy !req
1040. Don Atari, what are you doing here?Copy !req
1041. Don't you knuck?Copy !req
1042. Mugatu? What? No way, dude.Copy !req
1043. I thought you were
supposed to be in jail, dude.Copy !req
1044. You're like some dangerous criminalCopy !req
1045. that tried to assassinate
a world leader, dude.Copy !req
1046. That was some crazy retro-Bond shit.Copy !req
1047. So corny. I loved it.Copy !req
1048. Who are you?Copy !req
1049. Uh, hello! I know you been
all Shawshanked out,Copy !req
1050. but, like, seriously, I'm the new stupid
king of fashion, whatever.Copy !req
1051. Don Atari, baby.Copy !req
1052. What!Copy !req
1053. So you know who I am, right?Copy !req
1054. Derelicte was the dumbest, dude.Copy !req
1055. You and SpongeBob are, honestly, like,
my biggest influences ever, dude.Copy !req
1056. And did you just escape from prisonCopy !req
1057. in the most ingenious way possible?Copy !req
1058. Uh, what?Copy !req
1059. And did you engineer the abductionCopy !req
1060. and fattening of the son of Zoolander,Copy !req
1061. and delivery
of the Chosen One for ritual sacrificeCopy !req
1062. as the key to the Fountain of Youth?Copy !req
1063. Did you?Copy !req
1064. Did you? Did you do that?Copy !req
1065. - Naw.
- Naw?Copy !req
1066. Naw.Copy !req
1067. - Naw?
- Naw.Copy !req
1068. Did you say "naw"?Copy !req
1069. I... I said... "naw".Copy !req
1070. So, I just want to ask you again.Copy !req
1071. Do you knowCopy !req
1072. who I am?Copy !req
1073. Whatever, you're...Copy !req
1074. I'm Jaca-boo-who?Copy !req
1075. Jacobim Mugatu.Copy !req
1076. That's right!Copy !req
1077. I'm Jacobim Mugatu!Copy !req
1078. Fashion genius.Copy !req
1079. And you...Copy !req
1080. You are no one!Copy !req
1081. Do you understand me?Copy !req
1082. No one!Copy !req
1083. I'm the Mamba Bajamba!Copy !req
1084. I'm the Mamba Bajamba!Copy !req
1085. Todd!Copy !req
1086. You'll take my name into death!Copy !req
1087. You should know, I actually
care about everybodyCopy !req
1088. and everything very truly...Copy !req
1089. That's right! I just
killed a little hipster!Copy !req
1090. Yeah!Copy !req
1091. Prison changed me deeply!Copy !req
1092. It affected me psychologically.Copy !req
1093. I'm a psycho!Copy !req
1094. This is just the beginning. Watch out!Copy !req
1095. Buyer beware!Copy !req
1096. Now where is that
chubby little blood fountain?Copy !req
1097. Hansel!Copy !req
1098. Guys,
Mugatz just killed Atari.Copy !req
1099. For serious?Copy !req
1100. Also, they're going
to kill your son tonight.Copy !req
1101. What?Copy !req
1102. Hang on. I'm gonna try
and get more intel.Copy !req
1103. What's going on?Copy !req
1104. Why did you kidnap me?Copy !req
1105. I didn't kidnap you.
Don't be a silly-billy.Copy !req
1106. I'm just a fun,
non-threatening clown, that's what I am.Copy !req
1107. Who wants to massively
increase your caloric intake.Copy !req
1108. Look.Copy !req
1109. Come here.Copy !req
1110. There's an all-you-can-eat pasta bar.Copy !req
1111. Abbondanza!Copy !req
1112. Spicy hot pasta puttanesca.Copy !req
1113. Which means "whore's pasta"!Copy !req
1114. As in a whore, who made this pasta.Copy !req
1115. Doesn't that look delicious?Copy !req
1116. Next, an all-you-can-eat lard bar.Copy !req
1117. Squirt, piggy, squirt!Copy !req
1118. Squirt it! Squirt!Copy !req
1119. All the lard you want!Copy !req
1120. Fill your little tummy full of lard!Copy !req
1121. Hansel, where is he now?Copy !req
1122. He's okay.Copy !req
1123. It's actually kind of nice.Copy !req
1124. Mugatu's hooked him up
with some snacks.Copy !req
1125. He's got like a lard bar
and some cheesecake and stuff.Copy !req
1126. Oh, and pasta, too.Copy !req
1127. No!Copy !req
1128. Oh, no. You're right.
He's fattening him for the slaughter.Copy !req
1129. You can drop this stupid act.Copy !req
1130. I know who you are.
You're Jacob Moogberg.Copy !req
1131. And you're supposed to be in jail.Copy !req
1132. Hey! Jacob Moogberg died
the day I put ebony and ivoryCopy !req
1133. on skinny satin neckwear!Copy !req
1134. You hear me?Copy !req
1135. Okay. I got to make my move. Later.Copy !req
1136. You listen to me, Biggie Smalls.Copy !req
1137. I went to prison!Copy !req
1138. You better scarf down that
last bowl of whore pasta!Copy !req
1139. We roll in two!Copy !req
1140. You okay in there, little fella?Copy !req
1141. We should call the police boat!Copy !req
1142. They'll never get here in time.Copy !req
1143. Who says swimsuit models are useless?Copy !req
1144. Wait. What are you doing?Copy !req
1145. How long can you hold your breath?Copy !req
1146. - What?
- Take me from behind, Derek.Copy !req
1147. And grab me like your life depends on it.Copy !req
1148. Not like this.Copy !req
1149. Like this!Copy !req
1150. For safety. And buoyancy.Copy !req
1151. Wait. What?Copy !req
1152. We are swimming back to Rome.Copy !req
1153. Oh, okay.Copy !req
1154. I just talked to your dad.Copy !req
1155. And we've got to get you
out of here pronto.Copy !req
1156. I never want to see him again.Copy !req
1157. What're you talking about?
Your dad's a great guy.Copy !req
1158. He loves you like you're his own.Copy !req
1159. I am his own!Copy !req
1160. He's literally the worst father ever!Copy !req
1161. Do you know
it would break your mom's heartCopy !req
1162. to hear you bugging out
on your dad like this?Copy !req
1163. You knew my mom?Copy !req
1164. Oh, yeah. One of the most
amazing women I ever met.Copy !req
1165. Really?Copy !req
1166. You didn't want to cross her in the sack.Copy !req
1167. Those hips of hers would put a love
lock on you to beat the band.Copy !req
1168. Wait, what?Copy !req
1169. I remember there was one night,Copy !req
1170. she had me and your dad
absolutely twisted in knots.Copy !req
1171. I was driving the freight train,Copy !req
1172. your dad's tearing tickets in the caboose.Copy !req
1173. Oh...Copy !req
1174. She had a mouth
like Chinese fingercuffs.Copy !req
1175. You know where you, like, try to pull it
out but it just keeps getting tighter...Copy !req
1176. Stop it! God.Copy !req
1177. Look... I'm not going.Copy !req
1178. Well, Mugatu's planning
to crack your chest open,Copy !req
1179. cut your heart out with a knife,
and drink your blood!Copy !req
1180. What?Copy !req
1181. Here he comes.
Everything's gonna be okay.Copy !req
1182. It's okay, it's okay.Copy !req
1183. I was exaggerating.Copy !req
1184. It's D-Day, little dumpling.Copy !req
1185. You're an amazing swimmer.Copy !req
1186. Why are you doing this?Copy !req
1187. Don't talk with your mouth full.Copy !req
1188. It's soaking wet! It's ruined!Copy !req
1189. How are we gonna reach Hansel?Copy !req
1190. We need a phone.Copy !req
1191. Wait a minute.Copy !req
1192. Like this one?Copy !req
1193. Derek.Copy !req
1194. Hansel, where are you?Copy !req
1195. I don't know. Some kind of tunnel.Copy !req
1196. I think we're underneath the IncrediBall.Copy !req
1197. It smells like the ruins
of an ancient bathhouse.Copy !req
1198. It's at the Caracalla Baths.Copy !req
1199. I'll drop a pin or a needle or whateverCopy !req
1200. and you can track my coordinates.Copy !req
1201. Cool.Copy !req
1202. They'll never let us in looking like this.Copy !req
1203. Interpol Fashion Division!Copy !req
1204. We need your vehicle
and your clothes. Now!Copy !req
1205. Why is Anna Wintour walking
away from the red carpet?Copy !req
1206. We have to get in there.Copy !req
1207. Every bathhouse I've ever worked
at always had a rear entrance.Copy !req
1208. I'm sure this one's no different.
Come on.Copy !req
1209. This is definitely it.Copy !req
1210. If I feel around here long enough,Copy !req
1211. I should be able to find the hole...Copy !req
1212. Derek!Copy !req
1213. Hansel!Copy !req
1214. Boy, am I glad to see you guys.Copy !req
1215. Hansel, my son is going
to die hating me.Copy !req
1216. Hating you? The last time I saw him,Copy !req
1217. he couldn't stop talking about
how much he loves you.Copy !req
1218. - Really?
- Yes.Copy !req
1219. He said that?Copy !req
1220. Yes. I mean, I'm kind of paraphrasing,Copy !req
1221. and you had to read between the lines,Copy !req
1222. but, basically.Copy !req
1223. Shut up! Can we talk about this later?Copy !req
1224. Yeah, come on. Let's go!Copy !req
1225. This way.Copy !req
1226. That's Alexander Wang.Copy !req
1227. And Vera Wang.Copy !req
1228. Both Wangs.Copy !req
1229. Marc Jacobs.Copy !req
1230. Tommy Hilfiger.Copy !req
1231. They are all here for the sacrifice.Copy !req
1232. In the beginning of time,Copy !req
1233. God created Adam and Eve...Copy !req
1234. and Steve!Copy !req
1235. Mugatu!Copy !req
1236. Mugatu!Copy !req
1237. Mugatu!Copy !req
1238. Mugatu!Copy !req
1239. Mugatu!Copy !req
1240. - D.J.
- Wait.Copy !req
1241. We don't have backup yet.Copy !req
1242. Jacobeem Mugowto has deliver us...Copy !req
1243. the Choosen Why-yun.Copy !req
1244. And behold,Copy !req
1245. God expunged Steve from the Garden,Copy !req
1246. only to redeem us with eternal youth...Copy !req
1247. No.Copy !req
1248. bathed in the blood
of the fat little Chosen One!Copy !req
1249. - Derek!
- Derek, don't.Copy !req
1250. No!Copy !req
1251. I don't care
if you're fat anymore, Derek Jr.Copy !req
1252. I love you.Copy !req
1253. Look, I have made
a lot of mistakes in my life,Copy !req
1254. but you are by far the best one.Copy !req
1255. I was a mistake?Copy !req
1256. I think so.Copy !req
1257. To tell you the truth, we were having
so much sex, I can't remember.Copy !req
1258. T ell me about it, muchacho.Copy !req
1259. Ugh!Copy !req
1260. You're beautiful. You have the fire.
You just need to believe it.Copy !req
1261. The fire?Copy !req
1262. The fire in your face.Copy !req
1263. I lost it the day I killed your mom.Copy !req
1264. Oh, look. It's a sad, scared little boyCopy !req
1265. talking to his fat son
about their feelings.Copy !req
1266. You are responsible for all this!Copy !req
1267. You lured me to Italy
so you could escape from prison.Copy !req
1268. You made Don Atari
and Alexanya hire me to set this trap.Copy !req
1269. But enough is enough!Copy !req
1270. Enough is enough!Copy !req
1271. Eat my blade, Junior!Copy !req
1272. Time to die, Chubby Checker!Copy !req
1273. Magnum, buddy. Now.Copy !req
1274. I can do this.Copy !req
1275. Oh.Copy !req
1276. That did not work at all.Copy !req
1277. It just doesn't hold up, does it?Copy !req
1278. You sleuthed the whole thing out, Derek,Copy !req
1279. but failed to de-sleuth
the most important piece of the puzzle.Copy !req
1280. I owned the construction companyCopy !req
1281. that built the Center for
Kids Who Can't Read Good.Copy !req
1282. I personally made sure they cut corners.Copy !req
1283. Literally!Copy !req
1284. But that means that...Copy !req
1285. That's right, JuJu Bean.
That's How I Killed Your Mother!Copy !req
1286. On CBS, right after Two Broke Girls.Copy !req
1287. Dad, it wasn't you!Copy !req
1288. It wasn't...Copy !req
1289. Wait. You called me "Dad".Copy !req
1290. Oh, I guess I did.Copy !req
1291. Now you don't have the ceremonial knife!Copy !req
1292. Which means, no Fountain of Youth!Copy !req
1293. Come on, Derek! We need the blood!Copy !req
1294. Stop being so emotional, Derek.Copy !req
1295. Just give him the goddamn knife.Copy !req
1296. Derek, we need the blood!Copy !req
1297. Blood of Steve!
Blood of Steve!Copy !req
1298. Blood of Steve! Blood of Steve!Copy !req
1299. Blood of Steve!
Give him back the knife, Derek.Copy !req
1300. Blood of Steve! Blood of Steve!Copy !req
1301. Shut up, Valentino!Copy !req
1302. Just shut up! Everyone shut up!Copy !req
1303. There is no Fountain of Youth!Copy !req
1304. What?Copy !req
1305. I mean, Adam and Eve and Steve?Copy !req
1306. Are you serious?
You actually believed that crap?Copy !req
1307. What?Copy !req
1308. It's literally the stupidest thing
I've ever heard!Copy !req
1309. I get it if Alexander Wang believes it,
but the rest of you, come on!Copy !req
1310. Oh, please.Copy !req
1311. Without me, you'd still
be cutting patterns at Men's Wearhouse.Copy !req
1312. Oh, look,
it's the White Witch from Narnia!Copy !req
1313. Oh, no, I'm sorry it's just Anna Wintour.Copy !req
1314. I'll knock your teeth out!Copy !req
1315. I'll rip your goddamn tongue out!Copy !req
1316. Check out the new
spring collection from Hilfiger.Copy !req
1317. Brought to you by white privilege!Copy !req
1318. You couldn't make a down jacket
to save your life!Copy !req
1319. Asshole.Copy !req
1320. I don't understand.
You're saying the legend isn't true?Copy !req
1321. Why are you doing all of this, then?Copy !req
1322. Because Marc, by Marc Jacobs...Copy !req
1323. I knew there'd only be
one thing that would gatherCopy !req
1324. the entire idiotic fashion
world into one place with no exit!Copy !req
1325. Todd! Doors!Copy !req
1326. Todd! Silks!Copy !req
1327. Huh?Copy !req
1328. For years you all left me
to die in a stinking cell!Copy !req
1329. Well, now it's my turn!Copy !req
1330. I was living a peaceful life of reclusion.Copy !req
1331. Why drag me into this?Copy !req
1332. Because my big issue is...Copy !req
1333. I hate you, Derek Zoolander!Copy !req
1334. Then why kill all those pop stars?Copy !req
1335. Why kill Justin Bieber?Copy !req
1336. Really? You're asking me
why I killed Justin Bieber?Copy !req
1337. Todd! Pooch!Copy !req
1338. It's a bomb!Copy !req
1339. Not just any bomb.Copy !req
1340. A device, designed by Philippe StarckCopy !req
1341. in collaboration with Al-QaedaCopy !req
1342. for their new spring explosive collection.Copy !req
1343. Todd! Floor!Copy !req
1344. When I throw this
into this ancient pool of lava,Copy !req
1345. it will overflow,
killing everyone in fashion.Copy !req
1346. Leaving only me.Copy !req
1347. You can't kill fashion!Copy !req
1348. I'm afraid fashion already killed itself.Copy !req
1349. Mugatu! I'm coming across!Copy !req
1350. Derek!Copy !req
1351. Heat is a temporal construct of the mind.Copy !req
1352. Yes.Copy !req
1353. It doesn't exist.Copy !req
1354. Whoa!Copy !req
1355. It's so hot! It's hot!Copy !req
1356. Jesus!Copy !req
1357. Stop it, Hansel! Stop it!Copy !req
1358. Derek, toss me the knife.Copy !req
1359. You got it!Copy !req
1360. Sorry.Copy !req
1361. So stupid.Copy !req
1362. What the hell is your problem?Copy !req
1363. You guys are the absolute worst.Copy !req
1364. Put the bomb down, Mugatu!Copy !req
1365. Oh, you're the bubble-butted Playboy
model trying to take me down.Copy !req
1366. Swimsuit model!Copy !req
1367. Sports Illustrated cover,
three years in a row!Copy !req
1368. Ah!Copy !req
1369. Katinka...Copy !req
1370. Ingaborgovinanananana!Copy !req
1371. Game on, my sexy sister.Copy !req
1372. Look! They're sexy fighting!Copy !req
1373. Awesome.Copy !req
1374. Tommy likee.Copy !req
1375. Hey, idiots!
Maybe this will get your attention!Copy !req
1376. I've got a bomb in my hand
and it's armed!Copy !req
1377. Derek, now! Magnum! Do it!Copy !req
1378. Fly, baby, fly!Copy !req
1379. Bust it out!Copy !req
1380. Yes! I knew it.Copy !req
1381. Hansel, I need your help.Copy !req
1382. Here, let me try!Copy !req
1383. It's not working! Derek, it's not working!Copy !req
1384. I can't hold it, Hansel! I don't have it!Copy !req
1385. You've got your son! I've got nothing.Copy !req
1386. Not anymore, Hansel.Copy !req
1387. Who's your daddy now?Copy !req
1388. I don't know who my daddy is!Copy !req
1389. That's the whole point!Copy !req
1390. - Hansel.
- What?Copy !req
1391. I am your father.Copy !req
1392. Holy shit. Sting?Copy !req
1393. Let's do this now.Copy !req
1394. Synchronicity.Copy !req
1395. Nice try, but that looks about
as powerful as your fat son's...Copy !req
1396. I'm not fat!Copy !req
1397. He's plus size.Copy !req
1398. And I've got the fire.Copy !req
1399. El Niño! It's real.Copy !req
1400. It's so beautiful.Copy !req
1401. Bellissima.Copy !req
1402. The prophecy was true.Copy !req
1403. He is the Chosen One.Copy !req
1404. Hansel. He's still so hot right now.Copy !req
1405. No way! It's a glitter bomb!Copy !req
1406. Looks like you still have it.Copy !req
1407. I guess I do.Copy !req
1408. - Well, we do.
- Mmm.Copy !req
1409. Ah!Copy !req
1410. Your face!Copy !req
1411. How bad is it?Copy !req
1412. Welcome to my world, bro.Copy !req
1413. - Hansel!
- Hansel!Copy !req
1414. - Orgy!
- Hansel!Copy !req
1415. What are they doing here?Copy !req
1416. I knew how much they meant to you,Copy !req
1417. so I called them on the way over.Copy !req
1418. You did that for me?Copy !req
1419. You're the best friend anyone could
ever ask for, Derek Zoolander.Copy !req
1420. You look so beautiful. Oh.Copy !req
1421. We missed you so much.Copy !req
1422. And I've missed you, too.Copy !req
1423. And I'm ready to be a father.
To all our children.Copy !req
1424. Minus one.Copy !req
1425. What?Copy !req
1426. I lost my baby.Copy !req
1427. No.Copy !req
1428. I guess kicking the door
down wasn't such a good idea.Copy !req
1429. We're going to be a family,
that's all that matters.Copy !req
1430. Wait. Are you sure?Copy !req
1431. You're right. We shouldn't.Copy !req
1432. Hey. It's okay, Dad.
I don't think Mom would mind.Copy !req
1433. Matilda.Copy !req
1434. Go to her, Derek.Copy !req
1435. You're cool with it?Copy !req
1436. I'm totally cool with it.Copy !req
1437. I'm dead.Copy !req
1438. Literally nothing bothers me anymore.Copy !req
1439. Oh, and guess what?Copy !req
1440. Mugatu live-streamed all of thisCopy !req
1441. to every fashion blog on the planet.Copy !req
1442. Everybody loves you guys again.Copy !req
1443. Did you hear that?Copy !req
1444. We did it. We're back.Copy !req
1445. And famous. And totally self-realized.Copy !req
1446. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?Copy !req
1447. If you're thinking...Copy !req
1448. Lava pool party!Copy !req
1449. No!Copy !req
1450. They're back!Copy !req
1451. After six weeks in the burn ward,Copy !req
1452. their disgusting facial scars healedCopy !req
1453. by a miraculous hot lava treatmentCopy !req
1454. Derek Zoolander and Hansel
owning the runway once againCopy !req
1455. after exposing fashion's top designersCopy !req
1456. in yet another human sacrifice scandal.Copy !req
1457. This time with the aid
of Interpol agent Valentina Valencia,Copy !req
1458. now Zoolander's wife.Copy !req
1459. The two recently broke groundCopy !req
1460. for the Valentina Valencia
Center For Swimsuit ModelsCopy !req
1461. Who Want To Be Taken SeriouslyCopy !req
1462. And Maybe Transition
Into Law Enforcement Too.Copy !req
1463. Hansel, definitely back
and fully self-realized.Copy !req
1464. Now a model parent. And father of ten.Copy !req
1465. As crowds at Paris Fashion WeekCopy !req
1466. go cray-cray for Derek Zoolander, Jr.,Copy !req
1467. the world's hottest
plus size model-slash-Copy !req
1468. National Book Award winner-Copy !req
1469. slash-one-half of celebrity
couple Zoolala.Copy !req
1470. Yes, these three are totally on fleek...Copy !req
1471. Redefining what it means
to be really, really,Copy !req
1472. ridiculously good-looking.Copy !req
1473. Pumped up with the sex appealCopy !req
1474. 'Bout to cop another feel
Then I foot the billCopy !req
1475. I got bang bang with the looks that killCopy !req
1476. Sashay, Shante, then hit the blue steelCopy !req
1477. Trying to take a ride in the cool mobileCopy !req
1478. You wanna keep me on the line
'Cause my culo realCopy !req
1479. Rockstar shit with the Goose on the chillCopy !req
1480. My pockets so fat, got a sumo dealCopy !req
1481. I'm a star, so the camera flickerCopy !req
1482. Look at her go, blame it on the liquorCopy !req
1483. Doing it big, my selfie two figuresCopy !req
1484. Could give it up, but I ain't a quitterCopy !req
1485. Ooh, I be flyer than you
World domination, I'm so MugatuCopy !req
1486. Yes, I be smashin ', plenty of fashionCopy !req
1487. Doing my anthem,
Now give 'em the MagnumCopy !req
1488. Relax, don't do it
When you wanna go to itCopy !req
1489. Relax, don't do itCopy !req
1490. Relax, don't do it
When we got the club movingCopy !req
1491. Relax, don't do itCopy !req
1492. When you wanna comeCopy !req
1493. Pack it up, old lames
You just irrelevant to usCopy !req
1494. Old as the presidents
Your style is like the republican twosCopy !req
1495. That's a definite
Give grief to all your relativesCopy !req
1496. And next of kin and
Gave 'em D-attention, no decificitCopy !req
1497. When I say ancient relics,
Hansel and Derek,Copy !req
1498. I'm handsome, you jealousCopy !req
1499. I can tell it from your facial expressions
Or I take it, you smell itCopy !req
1500. I'm sorry, Don Atari, but Donatella
suggested Valentino for the partyCopy !req
1501. Shoot it in the right directionCopy !req
1502. Make it your intentionCopy !req
1503. Live those dreamsCopy !req
1504. Scheme those schemesCopy !req
1505. You gotta hit meCopy !req
1506. Hit me with those laser beamsCopy !req
1507. Relax, don't do it
When you wanna go to itCopy !req
1508. Relax, don't do it
When you wanna comeCopy !req
1509. Relax, don't do itCopy !req
1510. When we got the club movingCopy !req
1511. Relax, don't do itCopy !req
1512. When you wanna comeCopy !req
1513. When you wanna comeCopy !req
1514. RelaxCopy !req