1. Oh, America.Copy !req
2. I wish I could tell you
that this was still America...Copy !req
3. but I've come to realize that you
can't have a country without people.Copy !req
4. And there are no people here.Copy !req
5. No! No!Copy !req
6. Go back... Fuck!Copy !req
7. No, my friends.Copy !req
8. This is now
the United States of Zombieland.Copy !req
9. It's amazing how quickly things
can go from bad to total shit storm.Copy !req
10. And why am I alive when everyone
around me has turned to meat?Copy !req
11. It's because of my list of rules.Copy !req
12. Rule number one
for surviving Zombieland: Cardio.Copy !req
13. Fuck!Copy !req
14. When the virus struck,
for obvious reasons...Copy !req
15. the first ones to go
were the fatties.Copy !req
16. Poor fat bastard.Copy !req
17. But as the infection spread
and the chaos grew...Copy !req
18. it wasn't enough
to just be fast on your feet.Copy !req
19. You had to get a gun
and learn how to use it.Copy !req
20. Which leads me to my second rule:
The Double Tap.Copy !req
21. In those moments when you're not sure
the undead are really "dead" dead...Copy !req
22. don't get all stingy
with your bullets.Copy !req
23. I mean, one more clean shot
to the head...Copy !req
24. and this lady could have avoided
becoming a human Happy Meal.Copy !req
25. Woulda, coulda, shoulda.Copy !req
26. Wasn't long before the zombies
began to get clever.Copy !req
27. When you're at your most vulnerable,
somehow they could just smell it.Copy !req
28. Can't a guy take a dumper in peace?Copy !req
29. Don't let them catch you pants down.
Beware of bathrooms.Copy !req
30. As zombies
began to outnumber humans...Copy !req
31. well, that's when you had to cut
all emotional ties.Copy !req
32. If the girls in your neighborhood
are now fucked-up little monsters...Copy !req
33. well, maybe it's time
to stop driving carpool.Copy !req
34. You had to focus
on your own survival...Copy !req
35. which leads to rule number four.
Pretty basic.Copy !req
36. Fasten your seat belts.
It's gonna be a bumpy ride.Copy !req
37. That guy down there is me.
I'm in Garland, Texas.Copy !req
38. And it may look like zombies destroyed
it, but that's actually just Garland.Copy !req
39. Two months since patient zero
took a bite of a contaminated burger...Copy !req
40. at a Gas N' Gulp.Copy !req
41. Just two months, and I might be the
last non-cannibal freak in the country.Copy !req
42. I may seem like
an unlikely survivor...Copy !req
43. with all my phobias
and irritable-bowel syndrome...Copy !req
44. but I had the advantage of never
having any friends or any close family.Copy !req
45. I survive because I play it safe
and follow the rules.Copy !req
46. My rules.Copy !req
47. Shit.Copy !req
48. Of course.Copy !req
49. Motherfucker.Copy !req
50. On the bright side, I had found
a place to go number two.Copy !req
51. Another rule to surviving
Travel light.Copy !req
52. And I don't mean just luggage.Copy !req
53. I've always been kind of a loner.Copy !req
54. I avoided people
like they were zombies...Copy !req
55. even before they were zombies.Copy !req
56. Now that they are all zombies,
I kind of miss people.Copy !req
57. So I'm on my way from
my college dorm in Austin, Texas...Copy !req
58. to Columbus, Ohio, where I'm
hoping my parents are still alive.Copy !req
59. Even though we were never
really close...Copy !req
60. it would be nice to see
a familiar face, or any face...Copy !req
61. that doesn't have blood dripping from
its lips and flesh between its teeth.Copy !req
62. Thank you.Copy !req
63. - What are you looking for?
- Nothing. I just have this list.Copy !req
64. No one back there but my duffel bag.Copy !req
65. - What's your name?
- Stop. No names.Copy !req
66. Keeps us from getting too familiar.Copy !req
67. You almost knocked over your alcohol
with your knife.Copy !req
68. - That's okay, you don't have to...
- So where you headed?Copy !req
69. Columbus. You?Copy !req
70. Tallahassee.Copy !req
71. No, one for me. One and done,
I always say. I said that once.Copy !req
72. You know, Tallahassee and Columbus
are both east.Copy !req
73. So?Copy !req
74. So, Tallahassee,
you wanna stick together?Copy !req
75. - Least for a while?
- Here's the deal, Columbus.Copy !req
76. I'm not easy to get along with...Copy !req
77. and I'm sensing
you're a bit of a bitch...Copy !req
78. so I give this relationship
to about Texarkana.Copy !req
79. Really? Yeah.
You'll take me as far as Texarkana.Copy !req
80. You're a peppy little spit-fuck,
aren't you?Copy !req
81. You might wanna buckle up
for safety.Copy !req
82. I can tell already
you are gonna get on my nerves.Copy !req
83. Even though teaming up
wasn't my style...Copy !req
84. I figured I'd be safer
with Tallahassee.Copy !req
85. You see, he was in
the ass-kicking business, and...Copy !req
86. Business is good.Copy !req
87. It became quickly apparent, however,
that he did have one weakness.Copy !req
88. What are we doing here?Copy !req
89. Well, take a look.
It's a goddamn Hostess truck.Copy !req
90. Yeah, I see that, a Hostess truck.
So what?Copy !req
91. I could use a Twinkie.Copy !req
92. - You coming?
- Yes. Yeah. One second.Copy !req
93. - Are you fucking with me?
- No.Copy !req
94. You should actually limber up
as well.Copy !req
95. Especially if we are going down
that hill.Copy !req
96. It is very important.Copy !req
97. I don't believe in it.Copy !req
98. You ever see a lion limber up
before it takes down a gazelle?Copy !req
99. - Sno Balls?
- Yeah.Copy !req
100. Sno Balls?Copy !req
101. Where's the fucking Twinkies?Copy !req
102. I like Sno Balls.Copy !req
103. I hate coconut.
Not the taste, consistency.Copy !req
104. Fresh.Copy !req
105. Oh, this Twinkie thing,
it ain't over yet.Copy !req
106. Hey, this may be a bad time...Copy !req
107. but I gotta take the Browns
to the Super Bowl.Copy !req
108. - Really?
- Really.Copy !req
109. I know, again, so soon?
What can I say?Copy !req
110. I have a case of chronic anxiety.Copy !req
111. Truth is, I was always kind of phobic.
I found lots of things disturbing.Copy !req
112. Like undertow
or department store Santas.Copy !req
113. Being alone with a baby.Copy !req
114. But the thing I fear more than anything,
yes, even more than zombies...Copy !req
115. fucking clowns.Copy !req
116. When you're afraid of everything
that's out there...Copy !req
117. you quit going out there...Copy !req
118. which is what happened to me
before Zombieland.Copy !req
119. Friday night,
third straight week indoors.Copy !req
120. "World of Warcraft"...Copy !req
121. leaning tower of pizza boxes...Copy !req
122. Code Red Mountain Dew.Copy !req
123. Pride, nowhere.Copy !req
124. Dignity, long gone.Copy !req
125. Virginity, totally justifiable
to speculate on.Copy !req
126. Smooth.Copy !req
127. My whole life, all I'd ever wanted
was to find a girl...Copy !req
128. and fall in love, bring her home
to meet the folks.Copy !req
129. Then again, since my folks
are paranoid shut-ins like me...Copy !req
130. maybe this girl could
bring me home to her folks.Copy !req
131. And then I'd finally be a member
of a cool, functional family.Copy !req
132. 408.Copy !req
133. Please, is anyone home?
Please, it's an emergency.Copy !req
134. I don't usually unlock my door
to the sounds of panic...Copy !req
135. but my neighbor 406
is insanely hot.Copy !req
136. Okay, okay.Copy !req
137. Thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you.Copy !req
138. Nice to meet you.Copy !req
139. Here.Copy !req
140. There you go.Copy !req
141. - Mountain Dew?
- Yeah. Code Red.Copy !req
142. And here's some Golden Grahams.
The Ziploc bag keeps them crisp.Copy !req
143. Okay. Keep that there.Copy !req
144. So tell me what happened.Copy !req
145. He was homeless and sick.Copy !req
146. And I was walking home from the bar,
talking on my phone...Copy !req
147. and then he just came sprinting
towards me.Copy !req
148. I mean, not running, sprinting.Copy !req
149. And I thought, you know, like, maybe
he was running from someone...Copy !req
150. or after someone, but last time I saw
he was still out there going crazy.Copy !req
151. Drugs, maybe?Copy !req
152. I didn't even tell you the worst part.Copy !req
153. Yeah?Copy !req
154. He tried to bite me.Copy !req
155. - You're right, that's the worst part.
- I'm sorry. I'm just so scared.Copy !req
156. No, no, no, you should be scared.
A homeless man just tried to eat you.Copy !req
157. That's the right kind of scared.
That's reasonable.Copy !req
158. I get scared for things that don't make
sense, like clowns with red noses...Copy !req
159. or the rags they use to wipe tables
when you finish eating at a restaurant.Copy !req
160. Really?Copy !req
161. Look, the point is
I am here for you, okay?Copy !req
162. And as long as you are by my side,
I am not leaving this apartment.Copy !req
163. Do you mind if I just close my eyes
for a minute?Copy !req
164. No, of course. Of course.Copy !req
165. - Thank you.
- Okay.Copy !req
166. Set aside the feverish,
homeless cannibal...Copy !req
167. I'm living the dream.Copy !req
168. I had always, my whole life...Copy !req
169. wanted to brush a girl's hair
over her ear.Copy !req
170. - Good night.
- Good night.Copy !req
171. Oh, my God.Copy !req
172. Are you okay?Copy !req
173. Okay, okay, okay. Stop, stop, stop.Copy !req
174. What are you doing?Copy !req
175. Look, stay back, 406, okay?
I don't wanna hurt you, but...Copy !req
176. Shit.Copy !req
177. Oh, my God, I'm so fucking sorry.Copy !req
178. You see, you just can't trust anyone.Copy !req
179. The first time I let a girl into my life
and she tries to eat me.Copy !req
180. Please. Listen to me.Copy !req
181. 406.Copy !req
182. If you're in there...Copy !req
183. you're just sick. Okay?Copy !req
184. That was my first brush
with the plague of the 21 st century.Copy !req
185. Remember mad cow disease?Copy !req
186. Well, mad cow became mad person
became mad zombie.Copy !req
187. It's a fast-acting virus that left you
with a swollen brain, a raging fever...Copy !req
188. that made you hateful, violent...Copy !req
189. and gave you a really, really bad
case of the munchies.Copy !req
190. All right, you steer, I'll push.Copy !req
191. Okay.Copy !req
192. Okay.Copy !req
193. I've heard there's a place
that's untouched by this crap.Copy !req
194. - Back east, yeah?
- Yeah. You heard the same thing?Copy !req
195. Out west, we hear it's back east.
Back east, they hear it's out west.Copy !req
196. It's all just nonsense.Copy !req
197. You know, you're like a penguin
on the North Pole...Copy !req
198. who hears the South Pole
is really nice this time of year.Copy !req
199. There are no penguins
on the North Pole.Copy !req
200. You wanna feel how hard
I can punch?Copy !req
201. So, what do you think?Copy !req
202. Wait, the last time I laid some pipe?Copy !req
203. Last time you went 20 toes,
put Percy in the playpen?Copy !req
204. Who's Percy?Copy !req
205. Wallpapered the closet,
passed the gravy.Copy !req
206. - Went heels to Jesus.
- Oh, made love.Copy !req
207. Well, just sex.Copy !req
208. Three weeks ago. Yeah.Copy !req
209. In the back
of an abandoned FedEx truck.Copy !req
210. - Shut up.
- No, no, I was headed east.Copy !req
211. She, west.Copy !req
212. And we took shelter
in the back of the truck.Copy !req
213. - It was full of undelivered packages.
- What was her name?Copy !req
214. Beverly.Copy !req
215. Beverly Hills.Copy !req
216. You dog.Copy !req
217. So, what about you?Copy !req
218. Me? I...Copy !req
219. Aye, aye, aye.Copy !req
220. Oh, my God. It makes you sick.Copy !req
221. You know, it makes you sad,
it makes you...Copy !req
222. It makes you think if you can go back
to the way things were right now...Copy !req
223. you know, you'd be...Copy !req
224. You'd be out in the backyard,
you know, trying to catch fireflies.Copy !req
225. And instead this.Copy !req
226. - I mean, it makes you...
- Hungry.Copy !req
227. I'm worried about you.Copy !req
228. Look, whatever you have
waiting for you in Columbus...Copy !req
229. I promise you it ain't prettier than
our friend here enjoying her Manwich.Copy !req
230. Tallahassee had a sick sense
of humor when it came to zombies.Copy !req
231. Zombies aren't the most lovable
creatures, but he really hated them.Copy !req
232. The only thing he was more
obsessed with than killing zombies...Copy !req
233. was finding a Twinkie.Copy !req
234. Something about a Twinkie reminded
him of a time not so long ago...Copy !req
235. when things were simple
and not so fucking psychotic.Copy !req
236. It was like if he got a taste
of that comforting childhood treat...Copy !req
237. the world would become innocent,
and everything would return to normal.Copy !req
238. What, are you prospecting?Copy !req
239. Jesus Christ.Copy !req
240. You are a dangerous man.Copy !req
241. You're gonna risk our lives
for a Twinkie?Copy !req
242. There is a box of Twinkies
in that grocery store.Copy !req
243. Not just any box of Twinkies.Copy !req
244. The last box of Twinkies that anyone
will enjoy in the whole universe.Copy !req
245. Believe it or not,
Twinkies have an expiration date.Copy !req
246. Someday very soon, life's little
Twinkie gauge is gonna go empty.Copy !req
247. Time to nut up or shut up.Copy !req
248. When Tallahassee
goes Hulk on a zombie...Copy !req
249. he sets the standard
for not-to-be-fucked-with.Copy !req
250. No fear, nothing to lose.Copy !req
251. What can I say? It's like...
It's like art.Copy !req
252. You got a pretty mouth.Copy !req
253. Don't swing, don't swing.Copy !req
254. Swing.Copy !req
255. - Thank you.
- You owe me.Copy !req
256. Yeah.Copy !req
257. You're incredible.Copy !req
258. - I know.
- Yeah.Copy !req
259. Twinkie, Twinkie, Twinkie, Twinkie.Copy !req
260. Big Hoss.Copy !req
261. Come here, big fella.
Just gonna take a little off the top.Copy !req
262. Wow, these fellas
really let themselves go.Copy !req
263. And they're so fat.Copy !req
264. I think we should probably
just keep going.Copy !req
265. All I could think of was,
what are the odds?Copy !req
266. Another marriageable woman
to bring home to the folks.Copy !req
267. Come quick.Copy !req
268. Someone's ear is in danger
of having hair brushed over it.Copy !req
269. Hey.Copy !req
270. I'll catch up.Copy !req
271. Rule number 22:
When in doubt, know your way out.Copy !req
272. They're sisters.
The little one's been bitten.Copy !req
273. Act normal. Try not to freak her out.Copy !req
274. Yeah.Copy !req
275. Columbus, Wichita, Little Rock.Copy !req
276. So you did all this for a Twinkie?Copy !req
277. No, no, no, he did. I'm just kind of
like a Sancho Panza character.Copy !req
278. Look, I don't think she has long.Copy !req
279. Yeah, I know. I know, and she knows.
We're just looking for a way out.Copy !req
280. No, no, no, no. She's just a little girl.Copy !req
281. Don't talk about me like I'm not here.Copy !req
282. Right, sorry.Copy !req
283. Look, I know that you're really sick.Copy !req
284. But your sister wants me to...Copy !req
285. It's not her decision, okay? It's mine.Copy !req
286. I made her promise.Copy !req
287. We already said goodbye,
but we didn't have a gun.Copy !req
288. - We don't know that there's no cure.
- You're just gutless!Copy !req
289. Give him the gun.Copy !req
290. Wait, wait, wait.Copy !req
291. I'll do it.Copy !req
292. - I love you.
- I love you too.Copy !req
293. You need some help?Copy !req
294. Now that you mention it...Copy !req
295. we'll take your weapons,
car keys, your ammunition.Copy !req
296. - And if you've got it, sugarless gum.
- What the fuck?Copy !req
297. Wait, why are you guys doing this?Copy !req
298. Better you make the mistake
of trusting us...Copy !req
299. than us make the mistake
of trusting you.Copy !req
300. The first hot girl in 1000 miles shows
up, makes me feel like an idiot...Copy !req
301. steals my double-barrel and then
says I'm the one that can't be trusted.Copy !req
302. Nice going, genius.Copy !req
303. You're the one that gave her the gun.Copy !req
304. Those guys were dumb.Copy !req
305. Avoid the vanity mirror.Copy !req
306. Relax, okay?
I just passed for a zombie.Copy !req
307. - What I'd give for a shower...
- Do not say S-H-O-W-E-R, okay?Copy !req
308. Let's just get where we're going.Copy !req
309. - So do you think it's true?
- Is what true?Copy !req
310. You know, about Pacific Playland?Copy !req
311. Totally zombie-free.
Only place west of Waco.Copy !req
312. Trust me.Copy !req
313. He's on one of these serious
Tour de France bikes...Copy !req
314. You know, with, like,
the toeholds, right?Copy !req
315. - and he's pedaling, and the zombie's
head is, like, caught in the gear.Copy !req
316. You know, with the hair in the chain
just, like, going around.Copy !req
317. Very cool.Copy !req
318. But zombie kill of the week?
No, sir.Copy !req
319. I saw this construction worker.
I shit you not...Copy !req
320. he is on a steamroller, and a zombie
goes down in front of him.Copy !req
321. You ever roll a tube of toothpaste up
from the bottom?Copy !req
322. - I always roll it up from the bottom.
- Well, the zombie's head is the cap.Copy !req
323. Are you one of these guys that tries
to one-up everybody else's story?Copy !req
324. No. I knew a guy way worse
at that than me.Copy !req
325. All right, let's just try to find a car.Copy !req
326. Which reminds me...Copy !req
327. I never had headaches like this
till your ass came on board.Copy !req
328. I mean, do what you want with a man,
but do not fuck with his Cadillac.Copy !req
329. Hey, there's a nice minivan.Copy !req
330. Oh, you know something?
That is nice.Copy !req
331. That's a beautiful van.Copy !req
332. Tallahassee believes you have to
blow off steam in Zombieland...Copy !req
333. or else you lose what's left
of your mind.Copy !req
334. If it makes him happy and keeps him
from using that crowbar on me...Copy !req
335. then I say, "Hey, go ape shit."Copy !req
336. I want my Caddy back!Copy !req
337. Stupid little bitches!Copy !req
338. Oh, I think I pulled something.Copy !req
339. Think the two of us are smart enough
to come up with a con like that?Copy !req
340. You hesitated.Copy !req
341. Is it better to be smart or lucky?Copy !req
342. Look at what we got here.Copy !req
343. Come on.Copy !req
344. - That's nice.
- Smell the finger?Copy !req
345. Yes.Copy !req
346. Thank God for rednecks.Copy !req
347. This is a really big truck...Copy !req
348. and these are really big guns.Copy !req
349. Take your time.Copy !req
350. You know, they say,
"He who seeks revenge...Copy !req
351. should remember
to dig two graves."Copy !req
352. Right. Two graves. One for
the big chick, one for the little chick.Copy !req
353. You are scary happy.Copy !req
354. Come on, why don't we just forget
about those girls and head home?Copy !req
355. Oh, you want to talk about home?Copy !req
356. For me, home was a puppy
named Buck.Copy !req
357. Cutest dog ever.Copy !req
358. All those fucking zombies.Copy !req
359. I lost him.Copy !req
360. And there ain't no getting him back,
so I'm looking for a new home.Copy !req
361. Tomorrow, I may be skinny-dipping
in the Yellowstone River...Copy !req
362. or swinging from the chandeliers
in the Playboy Mansion...Copy !req
363. but today,
a Vortec six-fucking-liter V8...Copy !req
364. a box full of hollow points,
and, Lord willing, a GD Twinkie.Copy !req
365. Gotta enjoy the little things.Copy !req
366. I hate to give credit to anyone
who looks like Yosemite Sam...Copy !req
367. but I'm writing it down.Copy !req
368. Rule number 32:
Enjoy the little things.Copy !req
369. Knowing them, it's a trap.Copy !req
370. Wait here. Drive down if I signal.Copy !req
371. You're not gonna shoot them,
are you?Copy !req
372. Not unless they shoot at me.Copy !req
373. Oh, let's hope they shoot at me.Copy !req
374. Looks like they hoofed it.Copy !req
375. Probably headed west.Copy !req
376. Just drive slow,
keep your eyes peeled.Copy !req
377. Sure.Copy !req
378. - They're in the back, aren't they?
- Just me.Copy !req
379. I'm really sorry.
She was like a crouching tiger.Copy !req
380. You got taken hostage
by a 12-year-old?Copy !req
381. Girls mature faster than boys. She's
way ahead of where I was at that age.Copy !req
382. Twelve's the new 20. Gun, please.Copy !req
383. Like you would ever use that thing.Copy !req
384. Don't kill me with my own gun!Copy !req
385. All those violent video games.Copy !req
386. - Yeah.
- Thank you.Copy !req
387. - Now honk your horn.
- What?Copy !req
388. Honk it.Copy !req
389. It's your sister, with my gun. Hello.Copy !req
390. Bummer.Copy !req
391. Now step away from the vehicle.Copy !req
392. You get to ride shotgun.Copy !req
393. I kind of like this girl.Copy !req
394. She's not your typical hot,
stuck-up bitch.Copy !req
395. Even before Zombieland, Wichita was
running the table on guys like us.Copy !req
396. - What are you looking for?
- My engagement ring.Copy !req
397. I took it off to pump my gas,
and I thought that I put it in my purse...Copy !req
398. but it must've fallen out,
and I'm late for my flight and...Copy !req
399. Well, listen, I'll find your ring,
and I'll FedEx it to you.Copy !req
400. I'll give you a reward.Copy !req
401. Don't be silly.Copy !req
402. Three thousand dollars.
It's worth more than my car.Copy !req
403. Just give me your number.Copy !req
404. Yeah. I'll find it.Copy !req
405. Yeah, I'll start looking for it
right now.Copy !req
406. Because I got nothing else to do.Copy !req
407. I was engaged once...Copy !req
408. but I'm single now.Copy !req
409. Bye-bye.Copy !req
410. Hope you make your flight.Copy !req
411. No, but I know it's
around here somewhere.Copy !req
412. She's on a plane,
that's the beauty of it.Copy !req
413. Let me call you back.Copy !req
414. Hey, you found my ring.Copy !req
415. Thanks. I've been looking all over
for it.Copy !req
416. - Your ring?
- Well, it's my friend's, you know.Copy !req
417. - I'm gonna send it to her.
- Do I get a reward?Copy !req
418. Forty, 60, 80, 400.Copy !req
419. That's it. That's the whole register.Copy !req
420. You made someone very happy.Copy !req
421. You too.Copy !req
422. Nice.Copy !req
423. How many left?Copy !req
424. Let me see.Copy !req
425. Enough for us to get to California.Copy !req
426. Someday, I want a ring this big.Copy !req
427. For the low price of 30 bucks, sold.Copy !req
428. It's amazing how far you can get
with some costume jewelry...Copy !req
429. and a cutthroat attitude.Copy !req
430. I guess we're just lucky they didn't
leave us by the side of the road.Copy !req
431. Thank you, Wichita.
Thanks, Little Rock.Copy !req
432. For fuck's sake, enough! We're being
chased by ravenous freaks!Copy !req
433. We don't have enough problems?Copy !req
434. "They stole my Hummer.
We have trust issues."Copy !req
435. We can't just fucking drive
down the road...Copy !req
436. playing I Spy or some shit for hours
like four normal-ass Americans?Copy !req
437. Fuck me!Copy !req
438. I know.Copy !req
439. Let me be the mature one.Copy !req
440. Good.Copy !req
441. So where are you guys headed?Copy !req
442. Pacific Playland.Copy !req
443. The amusement park?Copy !req
444. - Wait, outside L.A.?
- Yeah. We went there as kids.Copy !req
445. That place totally blows.Copy !req
446. My mind. It's so fun.Copy !req
447. Just good entertainment
for the whole family.Copy !req
448. Yeah, I went there as a kid too. In fact,
this probably counts as off-season.Copy !req
449. Well, did you guys hear?
There are no zombies there.Copy !req
450. Yeah, we heard.Copy !req
451. You know, I may not shoot you, but
you have still royally pissed me off...Copy !req
452. and I'm not going to play with you
at Pacific Playland.Copy !req
453. - Don't worry, he grows on you.
- Really?Copy !req
454. No. It gets worse.Copy !req
455. Okay. How about
we play the quiet game?Copy !req
456. Yeah? Starting now.Copy !req
457. Oh, I've actually
been meaning to ask you:Copy !req
458. Did you hear anything
about Columbus, Ohio?Copy !req
459. - You never played the quiet game?
- Sorry.Copy !req
460. No? Well, they're playing it
in Columbus.Copy !req
461. It's a total ghost town.
It's burned to the ground.Copy !req
462. You're Columbus.Copy !req
463. I'm sorry.Copy !req
464. I didn't realize it was...Copy !req
465. I'm not sure what's more tragic:
that my family is gone...Copy !req
466. or the realization that I never really
had much of a family to begin with.Copy !req
467. Either way, I can't pretend that what
I'm looking for I'll find by going home.Copy !req
468. I have no home.Copy !req
469. We can get you a ride.Copy !req
470. You know,
you can go see for yourself...Copy !req
471. or settle somewhere new.Copy !req
472. Okay.Copy !req
473. I could tell she knew
what I was feeling.Copy !req
474. We were all orphans in Zombieland.Copy !req
475. I know this Pacific Playland thing
is nuts...Copy !req
476. but it's just been so long
since she got to be a kid.Copy !req
477. Yeah, it's tough growing up
in Zombieland.Copy !req
478. It's tough growing up.Copy !req
479. There.Copy !req
480. You could take that truck.Copy !req
481. Well, I hope you find
whoever it is you're looking for.Copy !req
482. And don't let go, once you do.Copy !req
483. It wasn't just because
I had nowhere else to go.Copy !req
484. It was because, in that moment,
it became clear.Copy !req
485. Wherever this girl was,
that's where I wanted to be.Copy !req
486. Man, we're gonna have to pull
over soon. I'm feeling cooped up.Copy !req
487. "Wantum your wampum."
Yeah. That'll work.Copy !req
488. - Okay, but what the hell are we doing?
- Just humor him. Trust me.Copy !req
489. Hold up.Copy !req
490. Who wants to go first?Copy !req
491. I really,
really wanna impress Wichita...Copy !req
492. but it would be in violation
of rule 17...Copy !req
493. maybe the most important rule
of all: Don't be a hero.Copy !req
494. - Why don't you take this one?
- Don't mind if I do.Copy !req
495. What do you think?
Zombie kill of the week?Copy !req
496. Close, but no cigar.
Kill of the week...Copy !req
497. goes to
Sister Cynthia Knickerbocker.Copy !req
498. Poor flat bastard.Copy !req
499. - Perfume?
- What?Copy !req
500. Is that perfume?Copy !req
501. It's cologne.Copy !req
502. I'm thinking...Copy !req
503. Lancõme Magnifique.Copy !req
504. Why don't you speak up a little?Copy !req
505. I think they might have
missed it in Santa Fe.Copy !req
506. - Oh, my God.
- All right. Okay.Copy !req
507. You're thinking about
fucking Wichita.Copy !req
508. Wish granted. She spent
the last 24 hours fucking us both.Copy !req
509. Hey.Copy !req
510. Good luck now, Petunia.Copy !req
511. Okay.Copy !req
512. Let me begin by saying you're a
wonderful human with great potential.Copy !req
513. It's okay, but FYI, I beat wholesale
ass for a lot less than that.Copy !req
514. - I'm sure.
- You get 45 percent power.Copy !req
515. Thank you.Copy !req
516. Yeah. Come on, break another one.Copy !req
517. Nice.Copy !req
518. Doesn't that feel good?Copy !req
519. Tallahassee's right.
You gotta enjoy the little things...Copy !req
520. even if that means destroying
a whole lot of little things.Copy !req
521. Smells like perfume.Copy !req
522. - You don't know who Willie Nelson is?
- No.Copy !req
523. Willie Nelson?Copy !req
524. Yeah, no, I don't.Copy !req
525. I shave every morning, but sometimes
by, like, 4:30, I'll have a thing.Copy !req
526. It's called 5:00 shadow,
but sometimes I'll get it prematurely.Copy !req
527. Since it's a freeway, you can get it up
to, like, 65, but don't go more than 75.Copy !req
528. - You don't wanna go more than 20.
- Don't worry about a blind spot.Copy !req
529. Blind spots are for other drivers.Copy !req
530. It's like the first time
that I've ever driven.Copy !req
531. So do you never strap in
or it's just on long road trips?Copy !req
532. It's just there's zombies everywhere.
I think the least of my worries...Copy !req
533. - Yeah, that's true.
- ... is seat belts.Copy !req
534. Yes, but, no, she's not.Copy !req
535. She's only famous when she's Hannah
Montana, when she's wearing the wig.Copy !req
536. - Right. Only wig.
- So...Copy !req
537. It's kind of freeing.Copy !req
538. Yeah.Copy !req
539. For the first time in a long time,
we were having fun.Copy !req
540. So even though it ran counter
to our strategies...Copy !req
541. we decided to stay together
as far as Pacific Playland.Copy !req
542. I think sleep deprivation is the
number one health problem in America.Copy !req
543. Well, now I think it might be
number two.Copy !req
544. - Number two.
- That's adorable.Copy !req
545. - I think we should find a place to crash.
- Oh, I got an idea.Copy !req
546. We're in Hollywood,
let's sleep in style.Copy !req
547. Grab a map.Copy !req
548. Come on.Copy !req
549. Hurry! Hurry!Copy !req
550. Good job.Copy !req
551. Looks like anyone who's ever been
in a movie lives on this block.Copy !req
552. What exactly you think we're doing
in the 90210, Sally?Copy !req
553. I pictured Tom Cruise
living somewhere nicer.Copy !req
554. B-lister compared
to who I got in mind, folks.Copy !req
555. We're going to the tippy-top
of the A-list.Copy !req
556. - Who?
- You'll see.Copy !req
557. Hey. There's a big BM.Copy !req
558. And it ain't Bob Marley.Copy !req
559. This place is incredible.Copy !req
560. Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to la mançion de Murray.Copy !req
561. - Bill Murray.
- God, no way.Copy !req
562. This guy has a direct line
to my funny bone.Copy !req
563. - Everything...
- Wait. Who's Bill Murray?Copy !req
564. Hey, I've never hit a kid before.Copy !req
565. All right? I mean,
that's like asking who Gandhi is.Copy !req
566. Who's Gandhi?Copy !req
567. She's 12.Copy !req
568. - No Twinkies.
- Shit, fuck!Copy !req
569. See? I told you we should've gone
to Russell Crowe's.Copy !req
570. - No one listens to me.
- Hello, inside voices. Okay?Copy !req
571. At least until we know we're alone.Copy !req
572. Tallahassee, Wichita, take that way.
Little Rock, come here.Copy !req
573. Why do I get stuck with her?Copy !req
574. It doesn't seem to end.Copy !req
575. Hey, come here.Copy !req
576. He has his own movie theater?Copy !req
577. Okay, I'm gonna teach you
something about Bill Murray.Copy !req
578. A king slept right here.Copy !req
579. Dibs on the bed.Copy !req
580. Too soft for me, anyway.Copy !req
581. Oh, this is so exciting. You're about
to learn who you gonna call.Copy !req
582. It's Ghostbusters.Copy !req
583. This is pretty catchy.Copy !req
584. Come on.Copy !req
585. Help me with the boots. Come on.Copy !req
586. Help me with the boots.Copy !req
587. Okay. I'll get them myself.Copy !req
588. Shit.Copy !req
589. Bill Murray, you're a zombie?Copy !req
590. I'm on fire!Copy !req
591. You're not a zombie,
you're talking, and...Copy !req
592. - You're okay?
- The hell I am!Copy !req
593. I'm sorry. I didn't know
that it was "you" you.Copy !req
594. Are you...? What's with the get-up?Copy !req
595. Oh, I do it to blend in. You know.Copy !req
596. Zombies don't mess
with other zombies.Copy !req
597. Buddy of mine
showed me how to do this.Copy !req
598. Cornstarch. You know, some berries,
a little licorice for the ladies.Copy !req
599. Suits my lifestyle, you know.
I like to get out and do stuff.Copy !req
600. Just played nine holes on the Riviera.
Just walked on. Nobody there.Copy !req
601. Goddamn it, Bill fucking Murray!Copy !req
602. I had to get that out.
I don't mean to gush.Copy !req
603. This is so surreal. I mean,
you probably get this all the time.Copy !req
604. Maybe not lately,
but I'm such a huge fan of yours.Copy !req
605. I mean, I swear, you know...Copy !req
606. I've seen every one of your movies
a million times.Copy !req
607. I even love your dramatic roles
and just everything.Copy !req
608. Six people left in the world,
one of them is Bill fucking Murray!Copy !req
609. I know that's not your middle name.
I been watching you since I was like...Copy !req
610. Since I could masturbate.
I mean, not that they're connected.Copy !req
611. "A former greenskeeper about
to become the Masters champion."Copy !req
612. Well, that's why we do it.Copy !req
613. I love you, Bill. I love you.Copy !req
614. I thank you.Copy !req
615. Thank you.Copy !req
616. You are staring at me.
It's a hairpiece.Copy !req
617. I'm sorry. No, it was just that you look
remarkably like Eddie Van Halen.Copy !req
618. I just saw Eddie Van Halen.Copy !req
619. - Really?
- Yeah.Copy !req
620. - Where? How was that?
- At the Hollywood Bowl.Copy !req
621. He's a zombie.Copy !req
622. That's a tough break.Copy !req
623. So how about
a little West Coast hospitality?Copy !req
624. Can I get you something?
What would you like?Copy !req
625. Smooth, isn't it?Copy !req
626. Oh, hurry.
Hurry, he's on the ceiling.Copy !req
627. - Come get him. Avoid the chandelier.
- Light him up, Ray.Copy !req
628. - See you on the other side, Pete.
- Oh, he's so disgusting.Copy !req
629. - Looks like Slimer.
- Don't cross the streams!Copy !req
630. - I don't wanna cross...
- Oh, no, he's awful.Copy !req
631. Don't cross the streams!Copy !req
632. Thirty-five feet long,
weighing approximately 600 pounds.Copy !req
633. That's a big Twinkie.Copy !req
634. Your sister is single, right?Copy !req
635. There's nothing long distance
or anything?Copy !req
636. - No.
- Oh, good, good.Copy !req
637. And if she had, like, a type,
you know...Copy !req
638. if you can have a type,
what would that be, you think?Copy !req
639. She kind of goes for, like, bad boys.Copy !req
640. - Really?
- Yeah.Copy !req
641. That's cool.Copy !req
642. What?Copy !req
643. - So Columbus is the scared one?
- Yeah. He's like a little bunny.Copy !req
644. I'll get him.Copy !req
645. Watch this.Copy !req
646. No.Copy !req
647. No, no, it's okay, it's okay.Copy !req
648. I got him.Copy !req
649. Is that how you say hello
where you come from?Copy !req
650. Oh, my God.Copy !req
651. Oh, my God,
I can't believe I shot Bill Murray.Copy !req
652. - Mr. Murray?
- I'm just Bill, I think, now.Copy !req
653. - Bill?
- Yeah?Copy !req
654. I don't think we're gonna be able
to stitch this.Copy !req
655. That's still tender.Copy !req
656. You think you might pull through?Copy !req
657. No.Copy !req
658. If it means anything now,
I am so sorry.Copy !req
659. It was just instinctive.Copy !req
660. It was my bad.Copy !req
661. I was never a very good
practical joker.Copy !req
662. So do you have any regrets?Copy !req
663. Garfield, maybe.Copy !req
664. I'm sorry, he just gets me.Copy !req
665. - But it still is sad.
- Yeah.Copy !req
666. - Okay.
- Oh, shit.Copy !req
667. Okay. Okay.Copy !req
668. Okay. Shit. Okay.Copy !req
669. Sorry. One second.
It's a double-barrel. Sorry.Copy !req
670. Okay.Copy !req
671. Three, two, one.Copy !req
672. - You guys want some Purell?
- Yes.Copy !req
673. - Please.
- Yeah.Copy !req
674. Around the world.Copy !req
675. Yes.Copy !req
676. - Oh, free parking.
- Yeah.Copy !req
677. Which is the best thing
about Zombieland.Copy !req
678. No, best thing about Z-land,
no Facebook status updates.Copy !req
679. You know, "Rob Curtis
is gearing up for Friday."Copy !req
680. - Who cares?
- The best thing is no more flushing.Copy !req
681. - Epic.
- And the worst thing about Z-land?Copy !req
682. You mean, other than the fact
that I shot Bill Murray?Copy !req
683. That's easy. Losing Buck.Copy !req
684. That's his puppy.Copy !req
685. I'm gonna tell you, I never thought
I could love anything like Buck.Copy !req
686. He was just... The day he was born,
I just lost my mind.Copy !req
687. Sorry.Copy !req
688. We were two peas.Copy !req
689. He had my personality, my laugh,
my appetite.Copy !req
690. Laugh?Copy !req
691. That's when it hit me. I felt ashamed
that it had taken me this long...Copy !req
692. Me, with the best cardio
in the business.Copy !req
693. - to realize I wasn't the only one
running from something.Copy !req
694. Oh, there it is. There you go.Copy !req
695. Oh, you like the syrup. Yes.Copy !req
696. Okay.Copy !req
697. We made this wallet together
out of duct tape.Copy !req
698. Take away a man's son...Copy !req
699. you've truly given him
nothing left to lose.Copy !req
700. I haven't cried like that since Titanic.Copy !req
701. Hi.Copy !req
702. A hint.Copy !req
703. Why don't you exhale slowly,
squeeze the trigger?Copy !req
704. Don't make me drink alone.Copy !req
705. Okay.Copy !req
706. It's a 1997 Georges?Copy !req
707. I never took French.
Georges de Latour? I don't know.Copy !req
708. - Oh, it's a '97?
- Yeah.Copy !req
709. - Was that a good year?
- Oh, my God.Copy !req
710. It was great.
Are you kidding me?Copy !req
711. I saw my first R-rated movie
that year.Copy !req
712. - Yeah, Anaconda.
- Anaconda.Copy !req
713. First tattoo, porpoise.Copy !req
714. - Really?
- Fake.Copy !req
715. First kiss.Copy !req
716. Scotty Lynch.Copy !req
717. You guys used tongue?Copy !req
718. Maybe.Copy !req
719. You jealous of Scotty Lynch?Copy !req
720. Yes, I am.Copy !req
721. Actually, I think I'm jealous
of your whole 1997.Copy !req
722. Let's see.Copy !req
723. Mine, first orthodontist.Copy !req
724. The bastard gave me headgear.
Yeah. I got my first B.Copy !req
725. Oh, no.Copy !req
726. Frightening as Anaconda.Copy !req
727. In wood shop, which doesn't really
count as a class anyway.Copy !req
728. No.Copy !req
729. Had my first school dance.
Oh, thank you.Copy !req
730. It was a Sadie Hawkins,
so girls' choice, you know.Copy !req
731. - What, and nobody picked you?
- It was girls' choice.Copy !req
732. - Those bitches.
- I know.Copy !req
733. No, I will not stand for this.
No. You know what?Copy !req
734. On behalf of all the eighth-grade girls,
I would like to make it up to you.Copy !req
735. Relax.Copy !req
736. Scotty's old news.Copy !req
737. I don't even know your name,
but this is actually really nice.Copy !req
738. You know, between you, me
and What About Bob?Copy !req
739. you're actually kind of cute.Copy !req
740. You think so?Copy !req
741. Yeah.Copy !req
742. I mean, you got the guts of a guppy...Copy !req
743. but I could hit that.Copy !req
744. Really?Copy !req
745. Or at least give you
the intentional walk to first.Copy !req
746. Hey, a little help moving the couch?Copy !req
747. We're making a fort.Copy !req
748. - Yeah.
- Yeah, that's probably for the best.Copy !req
749. - Right.
- Because...Copy !req
750. I like you...Copy !req
751. Columbus, but my sister and I...Copy !req
752. are gonna do
whatever it takes to survive, so...Copy !req
753. I was hoping
Wichita was just playing hard to get...Copy !req
754. but I realized she had
more trust issues than I...Copy !req
755. when I woke up the next day
and she was leaving.Copy !req
756. You are like a giant
cock-blocking robot...Copy !req
757. like, developed in a secret
fucking government lab.Copy !req
758. Hey.Copy !req
759. I can't believe I almost kissed him.
What's our rule?Copy !req
760. - Trust no one, just you and me.
- Just you and me.Copy !req
761. Yeah. You and me.Copy !req
762. You have just survived
the zombie apocalypse...Copy !req
763. and drove halfway across
the country.Copy !req
764. Where are you gonna go?Copy !req
765. I'm going to Pacific Playland.Copy !req
766. Open sesame.Copy !req
767. This is the problem
with getting attached to someone.Copy !req
768. When they leave you,
you just feel lost.Copy !req
769. Having Tallahassee around
didn't comfort me...Copy !req
770. it just made me feel more alone.Copy !req
771. Hey. You weren't exactly
gonna score, anyway.Copy !req
772. You know, you weren't storming
the trenches before I came along.Copy !req
773. That's why I don't let people close.
You only get burned.Copy !req
774. You don't say.Copy !req
775. Mexico.Copy !req
776. You know what they call Twinkies
in Mexico?Copy !req
777. - That's where I'm headed, amigo.
- Whatever.Copy !req
778. - Oh, my God.
- I know.Copy !req
779. - This is really fun. Oh, my God.
- Yeah.Copy !req
780. Oh, no.Copy !req
781. I'm going after Wichita.Copy !req
782. Look, you ever read that book
She's Just Not That Into You?Copy !req
783. You can't make yourself
too available.Copy !req
784. I don't care, all right?
I wanna be with her.Copy !req
785. Have fun in Mexico.Copy !req
786. Come on. Hurry.Copy !req
787. Get in.Copy !req
788. Come on, go.Copy !req
789. Go, go.Copy !req
790. On the count of three.
One, two, three.Copy !req
791. You okay? Come on.
Hurry, get up.Copy !req
792. - Come on, let's go.
- Yeah.Copy !req
793. There.Copy !req
794. I'm not great at farewells, so...Copy !req
795. that'll do, pig.Copy !req
796. That's the worst goodbye
I've ever heard...Copy !req
797. and you stole it from a movie.Copy !req
798. Tell the ladies I said hey.Copy !req
799. You know, their pictures
were in someone's wallet too.Copy !req
800. Hop in the car, Evel Knievel.Copy !req
801. - Let's go ride the roller coaster.
- Thanks.Copy !req
802. Go!Copy !req
803. Not as fun as I remember.Copy !req
804. Shoot the control box.Copy !req
805. - Columbus?
- Tallahassee?Copy !req
806. I think they might actually
require our assistance this time.Copy !req
807. - Buckle up.
- Yeah. I'm way ahead of you.Copy !req
808. Time to nut up or shut up.Copy !req
809. Holy shit.Copy !req
810. My mama always told me
someday I'd be good at something.Copy !req
811. Who'd have guessed
that would be zombie killing?Copy !req
812. Probably nobody.Copy !req
813. Look.Copy !req
814. We better start working
on our apology.Copy !req
815. Oh, no. No.Copy !req
816. - Hey!
- Hey!Copy !req
817. - Hey! Ohio!
- Over here!Copy !req
818. - Hey! Help!
- Help!Copy !req
819. - Oh, my God.
- Help!Copy !req
820. Hey!Copy !req
821. Help!Copy !req
822. - Hey, they're up there. They're okay.
- What are you waiting for?Copy !req
823. That's your gal.Copy !req
824. - Over here!
- Help!Copy !req
825. Come on!
Come get a piece of Tallahassee!Copy !req
826. Anybody hungry?Copy !req
827. Tallahassee's nice this time of year!
Come on!Copy !req
828. Come on, you ugly bastards!Copy !req
829. Holy shit.Copy !req
830. Holy shit.Copy !req
831. Hey!Copy !req
832. Motherfucker!Copy !req
833. Shit. I'm out of shells.Copy !req
834. Bingo.Copy !req
835. Yeah!Copy !req
836. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
837. Here we go.Copy !req
838. Oh, shit.Copy !req
839. - Wichita! Little Rock!
- Hurry!Copy !req
840. Oh, my God.Copy !req
841. Look at this fucking clown.Copy !req
842. Of course. It had to be a clown.Copy !req
843. Fuck.Copy !req
844. No, it had to be a clown,
and it had to be Wichita...Copy !req
845. for me to finally understand...Copy !req
846. that some rules
are made to be broken.Copy !req
847. Time to nut up or shut up.Copy !req
848. Fuck this clown.Copy !req
849. - Thanks.
- Hey.Copy !req
850. Get your gun. Here you go. Hi.Copy !req
851. Okay.Copy !req
852. Krista.Copy !req
853. Okay. We should probably
head out now.Copy !req
854. Finally got to first base.Copy !req
855. Not bad for that scrawny
little spit-fuck.Copy !req
856. Where's Florida?Copy !req
857. I have a little hunch.Copy !req
858. Where are you, you spongy,
yellow, delicious bastards?Copy !req
859. - Where are you?
- Yo.Copy !req
860. False advertising.Copy !req
861. Jesus Christ.Copy !req
862. You want a Sno Ball or something?Copy !req
863. Oh, God.Copy !req
864. Words cannot express.Copy !req
865. It's too soon.Copy !req
866. Do you think you could maybe just pick
out the buckshot and eat around it?Copy !req
867. Okay, yeah.Copy !req
868. No!Copy !req
869. - No!
- No!Copy !req
870. That face?Copy !req
871. That's me realizing that those smart
girls in that big black truck...Copy !req
872. and that big guy
in that snakeskin jacket...Copy !req
873. they were the closest to
something I'd always wanted...Copy !req
874. but never really had.Copy !req
875. A family.Copy !req
876. I trusted them and they trusted me.Copy !req
877. Rule number 32:
Enjoy the little things.Copy !req
878. Tallahassee got his Twinkie.Copy !req
879. And even though life would never
be simple or innocent again...Copy !req
880. as he savored that spongy,
yellow log of cream...Copy !req
881. we had hope. We had each other.Copy !req
882. And without other people, well,
you might as well be a zombie.Copy !req
883. - Thank you so much.
- You had us going.Copy !req
884. Yeah.Copy !req
885. That was very funny.Copy !req
886. So until next time, remember:Copy !req
887. Cardio, seat belts, and this
has nothing to do with anything...Copy !req
888. but a little sunscreen
never hurt anybody.Copy !req
889. I'm Columbus, Ohio, from
Zombieland, saying good night.Copy !req
890. In the words of the immortal
Jean-Paul Sartre...Copy !req
891. In the... In the immortal...
How do you do it?Copy !req
892. Just give me a little hint.Copy !req
893. In the words of the immortal
philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre...Copy !req
894. au revoir, gopher.Copy !req
895. Okay.Copy !req