1. Young man:
Oh, America.
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2. I wish I could tell you
that this was still America,
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3. but I've come to realize that you
can't have a country without people.
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4. And there are no people here.
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5. No! No!
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6. Go back— fuck! Aah!
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7. No, my friends.
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8. This is now
the United States of zombieland.
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9. It's amazing how quickly things
can go from bad to total shit storm.
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10. And why am I alive when everyone
around me has turned to meat?
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11. It's because of my list of rules.
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12. Rule number one
for surviving zombieland: Cardie.
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13. Fuck!
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14. When the virus struck,
for obvious reasons,
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15. the first ones to go
were the fatties.
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16. Poor fat bastard.
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17. But as the infection spread
and the chaos grew,
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18. it wasn't enough
to just be fast on your feet.
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19. You had to get a gun
and learn how to use it.
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20. Which leads me to my second rule:
The double tap.
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21. In those moments
when you're not sure
the undead are really "dead" dead,
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22. don't get all stingy
with your bullets.
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23. I mean, one more clean shot
to the head,
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24. And this lady could have avoided
becoming a human happy meal.
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25. Woulda, coulda, shoulda.
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26. Wasn't long before the zombies
began to get clever.
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27. When you're
at your most vulnerable,
somehow they could just smell it.
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28. Can't a guy take a dumper in peace?
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29. Don't let them catch you
with your pants down.
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30. Rule number three:
Beware of bathrooms.
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31. As zombies
began to outnumber humans,
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32. well, that's when you had to cut
all emotional ties.
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33. If the girls in your neighborhood
are now fucked-up little monsters,
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34. Well, maybe it's time
to stop driving carpool.
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35. You had to focus
on your own survival,
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36. which leads to rule number four.
Pretty basic.
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37. Fasten your seat belts.
It's gonna be a bumpy ride.
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38. That guy down there is me.
I'm in garland, Texas.
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39. And it may look like
zombies destroyed it,
but that's actually just garland.
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40. It's been two months
since patient zero took a bite
of a contaminated burger
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41. at a gas n' gulp.
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42. Just two months,
and I might be the last
non-cannibal freak in the country.
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43. I may seem like
an unlikely survivor,
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44. with all my phobias
and irritable-bowel syndrome,
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45. but I had the advantage
of never having any friends
or any close family.
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46. I survive because I play it safe
and follow the rules.
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47. My rules.
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48. Shit.
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49. Of course.
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50. Motherfucker.
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51. Oh.
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52. On the bright side, I had found
a place to go number two.
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53. Another rule to surviving
Travel light.
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54. And I don't mean just luggage.
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55. I've always been kind of a loner.
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56. I avoided people
like they were zombies
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57. even before they were zombies.
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58. Now that they are all zombies,
I kind of miss people.
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59. So I'm on my way from
my college dorm in Austin, Texas
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60. to Columbus, Ohio, where I'm
hoping my parents are still alive.
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61. Even though we were never
really close,
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62. it would be nice to see
a familiar face, or any face,
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63. that doesn't have blood
dripping from its lips
and flesh between its teeth.
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64. Thank you.
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65. Ah.
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66. What are you looking for?
Nothing.
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67. I just, uh—
I just have this list.
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68. No one back there but my duffel bag.
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69. Uh— what's your name?
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70. Stop. No names.
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71. Keeps us from getting too familiar.
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72. You almost knocked over
your alcohol with your knife.
Um— oh.
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73. That's okay, you don't have to—
so where you headed?
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74. Uh— Columbus. You?
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75. Tallahassee.
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76. Mm.
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77. Uh— no, one for me.
One and done,
I always say. I said that once.
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78. You know,
Tallahassee and Columbus
are both, uh, east.
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79. So?
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80. So, Tallahassee,
you wanna stick together?
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81. Least for a while?
Here's the deal, Columbus. Uh...
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82. I'm not easy to get along with,
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83. and I'm sensing
you're a bit of a bitch,
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84. so I give this relationship
to about texarkana.
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85. Really? Yeah.
You'll take me as far as texarkana.
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86. You're a peppy little spit-fuck,
aren't you?
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87. You might wanna buckle up
for safety.
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88. I can tell already
you are gonna get on my nerves.
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89. Even though teaming up
wasn't my style,
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90. I figured I'd be safer
with Tallahassee.
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91. You see, he was in
the ass-kicking business, and...
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92. Business is good.
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93. It became quickly apparent,
however, that he did have
one weakness.
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94. What are we doing here?
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95. Well, take a look.
It's a goddamn
hostess truck.
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96. Yeah, I see that, a hostess truck.
So what?
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97. I could use
a twinkie.
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98. You coming?
Uh— yes. Yeah. One second.
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99. Are you fucking with me?
Uh— no.
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100. You should actually limber up
as well.
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101. Especially if we are going down
that hill.
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102. It is very important.
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103. I don't believe in it.
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104. You ever see a lion limber up
before it takes down a gazelle?
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105. Hmm.
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106. Sno balls?
Yeah.
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107. Sno balls?
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108. Where's the fucking twinkies?
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109. I like sno balls.
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110. I hate coconut.
Not the taste, consistency.
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111. Fresh.
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112. Oh, this twinkie thing,
it ain't over yet.
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113. Hey, this may be a bad time,
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114. but I gotta take the browns
to the super bowl.
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115. Really?
Really.
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116. I know, again, so soon?
What can I say?
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117. I have a case of, uh, chronic anxiety.
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118. Truth is, I was always kind of phobic.
I found lots of things disturbing.
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119. Like undertow
or department store santas.
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120. Being alone with a baby.
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121. But the thing I fear
more than anything,
yes, even more than zombies,
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122. fucking clowns.
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123. When you're afraid of everything
that's out there,
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124. you quit going out there,
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125. which is what happened to me
before zombieland.
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126. Friday night,
third straight week indoors.
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127. "World of warcraft",
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128. leaning tower of pizza boxes,
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129. code red Mountain dew.
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130. Pride, nowhere.
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131. Dignity, long gone.
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132. Virginity, totally justifiable
to speculate on.
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133. Smooth.
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134. My whole life, all I'd ever wanted
was to find a girl,
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135. and fall in love, bring her home
to meet the folks.
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136. Then again, since my folks
are a couple of paranoid
shut-ins like me,
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137. maybe this girl could
bring me home to her folks.
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138. And then I'd finally be a member
of a cool, functional family.
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139. 408.
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140. Please, is anyone home?
Please, it's an emergency.
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141. I don't usually unlock my door
to the sounds of panic,
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142. but my neighbor 406
is insanely hot.
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143. Okay, okay.
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144. Thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you.
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145. Nice to meet you.
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146. Here.
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147. There you go.
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148. Mountain dew?
Yeah. Code red.
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149. And here's some golden grahams.
The, uh, ziploc bag
keeps them crisp.
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150. Okay. Keep that there.
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151. So, um, tell me what happened.
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152. Uh... he was homeless and—
and— and sick.
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153. And I was walking home from the bar,
talking on my phone,
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154. and then he just came sprinting
towards me.
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155. I mean, not running, sprinting.
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156. And— and I thought, you know,
like, maybe he was running
from someone,
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157. or after someone, but last time I saw
he was still out there going crazy.
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158. Drugs, maybe?
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159. I didn't even tell you the worst part.
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160. Yeah?
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161. He tried to bite me.
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162. You're right, that's the worst part.
I'm sorry. I'm just so scared.
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163. No, no, no, you should be scared.
A homeless man just tried to eat you.
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164. That's the right kind of scared.
That's reasonable scared.
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165. I get scared for things that, like,
don't make sense at all,
like clowns with red noses,
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166. or, like, the rags
they use to wipe down tables
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167. when you finish eating
at a chain restaurant.
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168. Really?
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169. Look, the point is
I am here for you, okay?
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170. And as long as you are by my side,
I am not leaving this apartment.
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171. Do you mind if I just close my eyes
for a minute?
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172. No, of course. Of course.
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173. Thank you.
Okay.
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174. Set aside the feverish,
homeless cannibal,
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175. I'm living the dream.
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176. I had always, my whole life,
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177. wanted to brush a girl's hair
over her ear.
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178. Good night.
Good night.
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179. Oh, my God.
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180. Are you okay?
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181. Whoa, whoa, whoa!
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182. Okay, okay, okay. Stop, stop, stop.
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183. What are you doing?
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184. Look, stay back, 406, okay?
I don't wanna hurt you, but,
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185. shit.
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186. Oh, my God, I'm so fucking sorry.
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187. You see, you just can't trust anyone.
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188. The first time I let a girl into my life
and she tries to eat me.
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189. Please. Listen to me.
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190. 406.
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191. If you're in there,
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192. you're just sick. Okay?
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193. That was my first brush
with the plague of the 21st century.
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194. Remember mad cow disease?
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195. Well, mad cow became mad person
became mad zombie.
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196. It's a fast-acting virus that left you
with a swollen brain, a raging fever,
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197. that made you hateful, violent,
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198. and gave you a really, really bad
case of the munchies.
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199. All right, you steer,
I'll push.
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200. Uh— okay.
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201. Okay.
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202. I've heard there's a place
that's untouched by this crap.
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203. Back east, yeah?
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204. Yeah. Yeah.
You heard the same thing?
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205. Out west, we hear it's back east.
Back east, they hear it's out west.
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206. It's all just nonsense.
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207. You know, you're like a penguin
on the north pole
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208. who hears the South pole
is really nice this time of year.
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209. There are no penguins
on the north pole.
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210. You wanna feel how hard
I can punch?
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211. So, what do you think?
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212. Wait, the last time I laid some pipe?
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213. Last time you went 20 toes,
put Percy in the playpen?
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214. Who's Percy?
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215. Wallpapered the closet,
passed the gravy.
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216. Went heels to Jesus.
Oh. Oh, made love.
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217. Well, just sex.
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218. Uh...
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219. Uh— three weeks ago. Yeah.
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220. In the back
of an abandoned fedex truck.
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221. Shut up.
No, no, I was headed east.
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222. She, west.
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223. And we took shelter
in the back of the truck.
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224. It was full of undelivered packages.
What was her name?
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225. Beverly.
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226. Beverly hills.
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227. You dog.
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228. So, uh, what about you?
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229. Me? I... I...
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230. Aye, aye, aye.
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231. Oh, my God. It makes you sick.
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232. You know, it makes you sad,
it makes you...
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233. It makes you think if you can go back
to the way things were right now,
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234. you know, you'd be...
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235. You'd be out in the backyard,
you know, trying to catch fireflies.
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236. And instead this.
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237. I mean, it makes you...
Hungry.
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238. I'm worried about you.
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239. Look, whatever you have
waiting for you in Columbus,
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240. I promise you it ain't prettier
than our friend here
enjoying her manwich.
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241. Tallahassee had a sick sense
of humor when it came to zombies.
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242. Zombies aren't the most lovable
creatures, but he really hated them.
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243. The only thing he was more
obsessed with than killing zombies,
was finding a twinkie.
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244. Something about a twinkie
reminded him of a time
not so long ago,
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245. when things were simple
and not so fucking psychotic.
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246. It was like if he got a taste
of that comforting childhood treat,
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247. the world would
become innocent again,
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248. and everything would return
to normal.
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249. What, are you prospecting?
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250. Jesus Christ.
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251. You are a dangerous man.
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252. You're gonna risk our lives
for a twinkie?
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253. There is a box of twinkies
in that grocery store.
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254. Not just any box of twinkies.
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255. The last box of twinkies that anyone
will enjoy in the whole universe.
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256. Believe it or not,
twinkies have an expiration date.
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257. Someday very soon, life's little
twinkie gauge is gonna go empty.
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258. Time to nut up or shut up.
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259. When Tallahassee
goes hulk on a zombie,
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260. he sets the standard
for not-to-be-fucked-with.
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261. No fear, nothing to lose.
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262. What can I say? It's like—
it's like art.
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263. You got a pretty mouth.
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264. Don't swing, don't swing.
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265. Swing.
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266. Thank you.
You owe me.
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267. Yeah.
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268. You're incredible.
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269. I know.
Yeah.
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270. Twinkie, twinkie, twinkie, twinkie.
Whoa, whoa.
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271. Big hoss.
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272. Come here, big fella.
Just gonna take a little off the top.
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273. Wow, these fellas
really let themselves go.
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274. And they're so fat.
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275. I think we should probably
just keep going.
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276. All I could think of was,
what are the odds?
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277. Another marriageable woman
to bring home to the folks.
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278. Come quick.
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279. Someone's ear is in danger
of having hair brushed over it.
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280. Hey.
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281. I'll catch up.
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282. Rule number 22:
When in doubt, know your way out.
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283. They're sisters.
The, uh, little one's been bitten.
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284. Act normal.
Try not to freak her out.
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285. Yeah.
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286. Columbus, Wichita, little rock.
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287. So you did all this for a twinkie?
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288. No, no, no, he did. I'm just kind of
like a Sancho panza character.
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289. Look, um,
I don't think she has long.
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290. Yeah, I know. I know, and she knows.
We're just looking for a way out.
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291. No, no, no, no. She's just a little girl.
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292. Don't talk about me like I'm not here.
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293. Right, sorry. Um—
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294. look, I know that you're really sick.
Whoa.
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295. But, uh, your sister wants me to—
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296. it's not her decision, okay? It's mine.
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297. I made her promise.
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298. We already said goodbye,
but, um, we didn't have a gun.
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299. We don't know that there's no cure.
You're just gutless!
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300. Give him the gun.
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301. Wait, wait, wait.
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302. I'll do it.
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303. I love you.
I love you too.
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304. You need some help?
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305. Now that you mention it,
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306. we'll take your weapons,
your car keys, your ammunition.
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307. And if you've got it, sugarless gum.
What the fuck?
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308. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait, why are you guys doing this?
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309. Better you make the mistake
of trusting us
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310. than us make the mistake
of trusting you.
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311. The first hot girl in 1000 Miles
shows up,
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312. makes me feel like an idiot,
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313. steals my double-barrel
and then says I'm the one
that can't be trusted.
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314. Nice going, genius.
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315. You're the one that gave her the gun.
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316. Those guys were dumb.
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317. Avoid the vanity mirror.
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318. Relax, okay?
I just passed for a zombie.
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319. What I'd give for a shower—
do not say s-h-o-w-e-r, okay?
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320. Let's just get where we're going.
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321. So do you think it's true?
Is what true?
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322. You know, about pacific playland?
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323. Totally zombie-free.
Only place west of waco.
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324. Trust me.
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325. So he's on one of these serious
tour de France bikes—
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326. you know, with, like,
the toeholds, right?
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327. —And he's pedaling,
and the zombie's head is,
like, caught in the gear.
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328. You know, with the hair in the chain
just, like, going around.
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329. Ho. Very cool.
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330. But zombie kill of the week?
No, sir.
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331. I saw this construction worker.
I shit you not,
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332. he is on a steamroller,
and a zombie goes down
in front of him.
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333. You ever roll a tube of toothpaste up
from the bottom?
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334. Yeah. I always roll it up
from the bottom.
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335. Well, the zombie's head is the cap.
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336. Are you one of these guys that tries
to one-up everybody else's story?
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337. No. I knew a guy way worse
at that than me.
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338. All right, let's just try to find a car.
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339. Oh, which reminds me,
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340. I never had headaches like this
till your ass came on board.
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341. I mean, do what you want with a man,
but do not fuck with his Cadillac.
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342. Hey, there's a nice minivan.
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343. Oh, you know something?
That is nice.
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344. That's a beautiful van.
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345. Tallahassee believes you have
to blow off steam in zombieland
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346. or else you lose what's left
of your mind.
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347. If it makes him happy and keeps him
from using that crowbar on me,
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348. then I say, "hey, go ape shit."
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349. I want my caddy back!
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350. Stupid little bitches!
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351. Oh, I think I pulled something.
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352. Think the two of us are smart enough
to come up with a con like that?
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353. You hesitated.
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354. Is it better to be smart or lucky?
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355. Look at what we got here.
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356. Ho, ho, ho, ho.
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357. Come on.
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358. That's nice.
Smell the finger?
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359. Yes.
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360. Thank God for rednecks.
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361. This is a really big truck
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362. and these are really big guns.
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363. Take your time.
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364. You know, they say,
"he who seeks revenge
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365. should remember
to dig two graves."
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366. Right. Two graves.
One for the big chick,
one for the little chick.
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367. You are scary happy.
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368. Come on, why don't we just forget
about those girls and head home?
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369. Oh, you want to talk about home?
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370. For me, home was a puppy
named buck.
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371. Cutest dog ever.
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372. All those fucking zombies.
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373. I lost him.
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374. And there ain't no getting him back,
so, uh, I'm looking for a new home.
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375. Tomorrow, I may be skinny-dipping
in the yellowstone river,
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376. or swinging from the chandeliers
in the playboy mansion,
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377. but today,
a vortec six-fucking-iiter v8,
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378. a box full of hollow points,
and, lord willing, a gd twinkie.
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379. Gotta enjoy the little things.
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380. I hate to give credit to anyone
who looks like yosemite Sam,
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381. but I'm writing it down.
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382. Rule number 32:
Enjoy the little things.
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383. Knowing them, it's a trap.
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384. Wait here. Drive down if I signal.
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385. You're not gonna shoot them,
are you?
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386. Not unless they shoot at me.
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387. Oh, let's hope they shoot at me.
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388. Looks like they hoofed it.
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389. Probably headed west.
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390. Just drive slow,
keep your eyes peeled.
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391. Sure.
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392. They're in the back, aren't they?
Just me.
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393. Oh.
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394. I'm really sorry.
She was like a crouching tiger.
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395. You got taken hostage
by a 12-year-old?
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396. Girls mature faster than boys. She's
way ahead of where I was at that age.
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397. Twelve's the new 20. Gun, please.
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398. Like you would ever use that thing.
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399. Don't kill me with my own gun!
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400. All those violent video games.
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401. Yeah.
Thank you.
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402. Now honk your horn.
What?
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403. Honk it.
Copy !req
404. Oh.
Copy !req
405. It's your sister, with my gun. Hello.
Copy !req
406. Bummer.
Copy !req
407. Now step away from the vehicle.
Copy !req
408. You get to ride shotgun.
Copy !req
409. I kind of like this girl.
Copy !req
410. She's not your typical hot,
stuck-up bitch.
Copy !req
411. Even before zombieland,
Wichita was running the table
on guys like us.
Copy !req
412. Uh— what are you looking for?
Copy !req
413. My engagement ring.
Copy !req
414. I took it off to pump my gas,
and I thought that
I put it in my purse,
Copy !req
415. but it must've fallen out,
and I'm late for my flight and—
Copy !req
416. well, listen, I'll find your ring,
and I'll fedex it to you.
Copy !req
417. I'll give you a reward.
Copy !req
418. Ha. Don't be silly.
Copy !req
419. Three thousand dollars.
It's worth more than my car.
Copy !req
420. Just— just give me your number.
Copy !req
421. Yeah. I'll find it.
Copy !req
422. Yeah, I'll start looking for it
right now.
Copy !req
423. Because I got nothing else to do.
Copy !req
424. I was engaged once,
Copy !req
425. but I'm single now.
Copy !req
426. Bye-bye.
Copy !req
427. Hope you make your flight.
Copy !req
428. No, but I know it's
around here somewhere.
Copy !req
429. She's on a plane,
that's the beauty of it.
Copy !req
430. Let me call you back.
Copy !req
431. Hey, you found my ring.
Copy !req
432. Thanks. I've been looking all over
for it.
Copy !req
433. Your ring?
Well, it's my friend's, you know.
Copy !req
434. I'm gonna send it to her.
Do I get a reward?
Copy !req
435. Forty, 60, 80, 400.
Copy !req
436. That's it. That's the whole register.
Copy !req
437. You made someone very happy.
Copy !req
438. You too.
Copy !req
439. Nice.
Copy !req
440. How many left?
Copy !req
441. Let me see.
Copy !req
442. Hmm. Enough for us
to get to California.
Copy !req
443. Someday, I want a ring this big.
Copy !req
444. Hmm. For the low price
of 30 bucks, sold.
Copy !req
445. It's amazing how far you can get
with some costume jewelry
Copy !req
446. and a cutthroat attitude.
Copy !req
447. I guess we're just lucky they didn't
leave us by the side of the road.
Copy !req
448. Thank you, Wichita.
Thanks, little rock.
Copy !req
449. For fuck's sake, enough already!
We're being chased
by ravenous freaks!
Copy !req
450. We don't have enough problems?
Copy !req
451. "Oh, they stole my hummer.
We have trust issues."
Get over it, okay?
Copy !req
452. We can't just fucking drive
down the road,
Copy !req
453. playing I spy or some shit for hours
like four normal-ass Americans?
Copy !req
454. Fuck me!
Copy !req
455. Oh.
I know.
Copy !req
456. Let me be the mature one.
Copy !req
457. Good.
Copy !req
458. So where are you guys headed?
Copy !req
459. Pacific playland.
Copy !req
460. The amusement park?
Copy !req
461. Wait, outside L.A.?
Yeah. We went there as kids.
Copy !req
462. That place totally blows.
Copy !req
463. My mind. It's— it's so fun.
Copy !req
464. Just good entertainment
for the whole family.
Copy !req
465. Yeah, no, actually,
I went there as a kid too.
Copy !req
466. In fact, this
probably counts as off-season.
Copy !req
467. Well, did you guys hear?
There are no zombies there.
Copy !req
468. Yeah, we heard. Uh—
Copy !req
469. you know what, I may not shoot you,
but you have still
royally pissed me off,
Copy !req
470. and I'm not going to play with you
at pacific playland.
Copy !req
471. Don't worry, he grows on you.
Really?
Copy !req
472. No. It gets worse.
Copy !req
473. Okay. How about
we play the quiet game?
Copy !req
474. Yeah? Starting now.
Copy !req
475. Oh, um, I've actually
been meaning to ask you:
Copy !req
476. Did you—
did you hear anything
about, uh, Columbus, Ohio?
Copy !req
477. You never played the quiet game?
Sorry.
Copy !req
478. No? Well, they're playing it
in Columbus, Ohio.
Copy !req
479. It's a total ghost town.
It's burned to the ground.
Copy !req
480. You're Columbus.
Copy !req
481. I'm sorry.
Copy !req
482. I didn't realize it was...
Copy !req
483. I'm not sure what's more tragic:
That my family is gone,
Copy !req
484. or the realization that I never really
had much of a family to begin with.
Copy !req
485. Either way, I can't pretend
that whatever I'm looking for
I'll find by going home.
Copy !req
486. I have no home.
Copy !req
487. Uh...
Copy !req
488. We can, uh,
get you a ride.
Copy !req
489. You know,
you can go see for yourself,
Copy !req
490. or settle somewhere new.
Copy !req
491. Okay.
Copy !req
492. I could tell she knew
what I was feeling.
Copy !req
493. We were all orphans in zombieland.
Copy !req
494. I know this pacific playland thing
is nuts,
Copy !req
495. but it's just been so long
since she got to be a kid.
Copy !req
496. Yeah, it's tough growing up
in zombieland.
Copy !req
497. It's tough growing up.
Copy !req
498. There.
Copy !req
499. You could take that truck.
Copy !req
500. Well, I, uh, hope you find
whoever it is you're looking for.
Copy !req
501. And don't let go, once you do.
Copy !req
502. It wasn't just because
I had nowhere else to go.
Copy !req
503. It was because, in that moment,
it became clear.
Copy !req
504. Wherever this girl was,
that's where I wanted to be.
Copy !req
505. Man, we're gonna have to pull
over soon. I'm feeling cooped up.
Copy !req
506. "Wantum your wampum."
Yeah. That'ii work.
Copy !req
507. Okay, but what the hell
are we doing?
Copy !req
508. Just humor him. Trust me.
Copy !req
509. Hold up.
Copy !req
510. Who wants to go first?
Copy !req
511. I really, really wanna impress
Wichita,
Copy !req
512. but it would be in violation
of rule 17,
Copy !req
513. maybe the most important rule
of all: Don't be a hero.
Copy !req
514. Why don't you take this one?
Don't mind if I do.
Copy !req
515. What do you think?
Zombie kill of the week?
Copy !req
516. Close, but no cigar.
Zombie kill of the week
Copy !req
517. goes to
sister Cynthia knickerbocker.
Copy !req
518. Poor flat bastard.
Copy !req
519. Perfume?
What?
Copy !req
520. Is that perfume?
Copy !req
521. Um— it's cologne.
Copy !req
522. I'm thinking,
Copy !req
523. Lancôme magnifique.
Copy !req
524. Why don't you speak up a little?
Copy !req
525. I think they might have
missed it in Santa fe.
Copy !req
526. Oh, my God.
Copy !req
527. All right. Okay.
Copy !req
528. You're thinking about
fucking Wichita.
Copy !req
529. Wish granted. She spent
the last 24 hours fucking us both.
Copy !req
530. Hey.
Copy !req
531. Good luck now, Petunia.
Copy !req
532. Okay. Let me begin
my three-part apology
Copy !req
533. by saying that I think
you're a wonderful human
with great potential.
Copy !req
534. It's okay, but fyi, I beat wholesale
ass for a lot less than that.
Copy !req
535. I'm sure.
You get, uh, 45 percent power.
Copy !req
536. Thank you.
Copy !req
537. Yeah. Come on, break another one.
Copy !req
538. Nice.
Copy !req
539. Doesn't that feel good?
Copy !req
540. Yah!
Copy !req
541. Sometimes, Tallahassee's right.
You gotta enjoy the little things,
Copy !req
542. even if that means destroying
a whole lot of little things.
Copy !req
543. Smells like perfume.
Copy !req
544. You don't know
who Willie Nelson is?
Copy !req
545. No.
Copy !req
546. Willie Nelson?
Copy !req
547. Yeah, no, I don't.
Copy !req
548. Yeah, I shave every morning,
but sometimes
by, like, 4:30, I'll have a thing.
Copy !req
549. It's called 5:00 shadow,
but sometimes I'll get it prematurely.
Copy !req
550. Since it's a freeway,
you can get it up to, like, 65,
but don't go more than 75.
Copy !req
551. You don't wanna go more than 20.
Don't worry about a blind spot.
Copy !req
552. Blind spots are for other drivers.
Copy !req
553. It's like the first time
that I've ever driven.
Copy !req
554. So do you never strap in
or it's just on long road trips?
Copy !req
555. It's just, you know,
there's zombies everywhere.
Copy !req
556. I think the least of my worries.
Copy !req
557. Yeah, that's true.
Is seat belts.
Copy !req
558. Yes, but, no, she's not.
Copy !req
559. She's only famous
when she's Hannah Montana,
when she's wearing the wig.
Copy !req
560. Okay. Right. Only wig.
So...
Copy !req
561. It's kind of freeing.
Copy !req
562. Yeah.
Copy !req
563. For the first time in a long time,
we were having fun.
Copy !req
564. So even though it ran counter
to our strategies,
Copy !req
565. we decided to stay together
as far as pacific playland.
Copy !req
566. You know, I think sleep deprivation
is, like, the number one
Copy !req
567. health problem in America.
Copy !req
568. Heh-heh. Well, now I think it might
be number two.
Copy !req
569. Number two.
Copy !req
570. That's adorable.
Copy !req
571. I'm just saying I think
we should find
a place to crash.
Copy !req
572. Oh, I got an idea.
Copy !req
573. We're in Hollywood,
let's sleep in style.
Copy !req
574. Grab a map.
Copy !req
575. Come on.
Copy !req
576. Hurry! Hurry!
Copy !req
577. Good job.
Copy !req
578. Looks like anyone who's ever been
in a movie lives on this block.
Copy !req
579. What exactly you think we're doing
in the 90210, Sally?
Copy !req
580. I kind of pictured tom cruise
living somewhere nicer.
Copy !req
581. B-iister compared
to who I got in mind, folks.
Copy !req
582. We're going to the tippy-top
of the a-iist.
Copy !req
583. Wichita and little rock: Who?
You'll see.
Copy !req
584. Hey. There's a big bm.
Copy !req
585. And it ain't Bob Marley.
Copy !req
586. Whoa.
Copy !req
587. This place is incredible.
Copy !req
588. Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to la mançion de Murray.
Copy !req
589. Ah. Bill Murray.
God, no way.
Copy !req
590. This guy has a direct line
to my funny bone.
Copy !req
591. Everything—
wait. Who's bill Murray?
Copy !req
592. Hey, I've never hit a kid before.
Copy !req
593. All right? I mean,
that's like asking who Gandhi is.
Copy !req
594. Who's Gandhi?
Copy !req
595. She's 12.
Copy !req
596. No twinkies.
Shit, fuck!
Copy !req
597. See? I told you we should've gone
to Russell Crowe's.
Copy !req
598. No one listens to me.
Hello, inside voices. Okay?
Copy !req
599. At least until we know we're alone.
Copy !req
600. Hey, Tallahassee, Wichita,
why don't you take that way.
Little rock, come here.
Copy !req
601. Why do I get stuck with her?
Copy !req
602. It doesn't seem
to end.
Copy !req
603. Hey, come here. Whoa.
Copy !req
604. He has his own movie theater?
Copy !req
605. Whoa.
Copy !req
606. Okay, I'm gonna teach you
a little something about bill Murray.
Copy !req
607. A king slept right here.
Copy !req
608. Dibs on the bed.
Copy !req
609. Too soft for me, anyway.
Copy !req
610. Oh, this is so exciting. You're about
to learn who you gonna call.
Copy !req
611. It's ghostbusters.
Copy !req
612. This is pretty catchy.
Copy !req
613. Come on.
Copy !req
614. Help me with the boots. Come on.
Copy !req
615. Help me with the boots.
Copy !req
616. Okay. I'll get them myself.
Copy !req
617. Shit.
Copy !req
618. Bill Murray, you're a zombie?
Copy !req
619. Ah! Ah! Oh!
I'm on fire! Ouch!
Copy !req
620. You're not a zombie,
you're talking, and—
Copy !req
621. you're okay?
The hell I am!
Copy !req
622. I'm sorry. I didn't know
that it was "you" you.
Copy !req
623. Are you—? What's with the get-up?
Copy !req
624. Oh, I do it to blend in. You know.
Copy !req
625. Zombies don't mess
with other zombies.
Copy !req
626. Buddy of mine, makeup guy,
showed me how to do this.
Copy !req
627. Cornstarch. You know, some berries,
a little licorice for the ladies.
Copy !req
628. Suits my lifestyle, you know.
I like to get out and do stuff.
Copy !req
629. Just played nine holes
on the riviera. Just walked on.
Nobody there.
Copy !req
630. Goddamn it, bill fucking Murray!
Copy !req
631. I had to get that out.
I don't mean to gush.
Copy !req
632. This is so surreal. I mean,
you probably get this all the time.
Copy !req
633. Maybe not lately,
but I'm— I'm such
a huge fan of yours.
Copy !req
634. I mean, I swear, you know,
Copy !req
635. I've seen every one of your movies
a million times.
Copy !req
636. I even love your dramatic roles
and just everything.
Copy !req
637. Six people left in the world,
one of them is bill fucking Murray!
Copy !req
638. I know that's not your middle name.
I been watching you
since I was like... si—
Copy !req
639. since I could masturbate.
I mean, not that they're connected.
Copy !req
640. "A former greenskeeper about
to become the masters champion."
Copy !req
641. Well, that's why we do it.
Copy !req
642. I love you, bill. I love you.
Copy !req
643. I thank you.
Copy !req
644. Thank you.
Copy !req
645. You are staring at me.
It's a hairpiece.
Copy !req
646. I'm sorry. No, it was just that you look
remarkably like Eddie van halen.
Copy !req
647. I just saw Eddie van halen.
Nuh-uh.
Copy !req
648. Really?
Yeah.
Copy !req
649. Wow.
Where?
Copy !req
650. At the Hollywood bowl.
How was that?
Copy !req
651. He's a zombie.
Copy !req
652. Aw. That's a tough break.
Copy !req
653. So, uh, how about
a little west coast hospitality?
Copy !req
654. Can I— wha—
can I get you something?
Copy !req
655. What would you—
what would you like?
Copy !req
656. Smooth, isn't it?
Mm-hm.
Copy !req
657. Oh, hurry.
Hurry, he's on the ceiling.
Copy !req
658. Come get him. Avoid the chandelier.
Light him up, ray.
Copy !req
659. See you on the other side, Pete.
Oh, he's so disgusting.
Copy !req
660. Looks like slimer.
Don't cross the streams!
Copy !req
661. Ah! I don't wanna cross—
oh, no, he's awful.
Copy !req
662. Don't cross the streams!
Copy !req
663. Thirty-five feet long,
weighing approximately 600 pounds.
Copy !req
664. That's a big twinkie.
Copy !req
665. Your sister is, uh,
single, right?
Copy !req
666. There's nothing long distance
or anything?
Copy !req
667. No.
Oh, good, good.
Copy !req
668. And if she had, like, a type,
you know,
Copy !req
669. if you can have a type,
what would that be, you think?
Copy !req
670. She kind of goes for, like, bad boys.
Copy !req
671. Really?
Yeah.
Copy !req
672. That's cool.
Copy !req
673. What?
Copy !req
674. Oh, whoops.
Copy !req
675. So Columbus is the scared one?
Yeah. He's like a little bunny.
Copy !req
676. I'll get him.
Copy !req
677. Watch this.
Copy !req
678. Oh! Oh!
Copy !req
679. No.
Copy !req
680. No, no, it's okay, it's okay.
Copy !req
681. I got him.
Copy !req
682. Is that how you say hello
where you come from?
Copy !req
683. Oh, my God.
Copy !req
684. Oh, my God,
I can't believe I shot bill Murray.
Copy !req
685. Mr. Murray?
I'm just bill, I think, now.
Copy !req
686. Bill?
Yeah?
Copy !req
687. I don't think we're gonna be able
to stitch this.
Copy !req
688. Ahh. That's still tender.
Copy !req
689. You think you might pull through?
Copy !req
690. No.
Copy !req
691. If it means anything now,
I am so sorry.
Copy !req
692. It was just instinctive.
Copy !req
693. It was my bad.
Copy !req
694. I was never a very good
practical joker.
Copy !req
695. So do you have any regrets?
Copy !req
696. Garfield, maybe.
Copy !req
697. I'm sorry, he just gets me.
Copy !req
698. But it still is sad.
Yeah.
Copy !req
699. Okay.
Oh, shit.
Copy !req
700. Okay. Okay.
Copy !req
701. Okay. Shit. Okay.
Copy !req
702. Oh.
Copy !req
703. Sorry. One second.
It's a double-barrel. Sorry.
Copy !req
704. Okay.
Copy !req
705. Three, two, one.
Copy !req
706. You guys want some purell?
Yes.
Copy !req
707. Please.
Yeah.
Copy !req
708. Around the world.
Copy !req
709. Yes.
Whoa.
Copy !req
710. Oh, free parking.
Yeah.
Copy !req
711. Which, coincidentally,
is the best thing about zombieland.
Copy !req
712. No, best thing about z-land,
no Facebook status updates.
Copy !req
713. You know, "rob Curtis
is gearing up for Friday."
Copy !req
714. Who cares?
The best thing is no more flushing.
Copy !req
715. Epic.
And the worst thing about z-land?
Copy !req
716. You mean, other than the fact
that I shot bill Murray?
Copy !req
717. That's easy. Losing buck.
Copy !req
718. That's his puppy.
Copy !req
719. I'm gonna tell you, I never thought
I could love anything like buck.
Copy !req
720. He was just— the day he was born,
I just lost my mind.
Copy !req
721. Sorry.
Copy !req
722. We were—
we were two peas.
Copy !req
723. He had my personality, my laugh,
my appetite.
Copy !req
724. Laugh?
Copy !req
725. That's when it hit me. I felt ashamed
that it had taken me this long—
Copy !req
726. me, with the best cardie
in the business.
Copy !req
727. —To realize I wasn't the only one
running from something.
Copy !req
728. Oh, there it is. There you go.
Copy !req
729. Oh, you like the syrup. Yes.
Copy !req
730. Okay.
Copy !req
731. We made this wallet together
out of duct tape.
Copy !req
732. Take away a man's son,
Copy !req
733. you've truly given him
nothing left to lose.
Copy !req
734. I haven't cried like that since Titanic.
Copy !req
735. Hi.
Copy !req
736. A hint.
Copy !req
737. Why don't you, uh, exhale slowly,
squeeze the trigger?
Copy !req
738. Don't make me drink alone.
Copy !req
739. Okay.
Copy !req
740. It's a 1997 geor—
georges?
Copy !req
741. I never took French.
Georges de latour? I don't know.
Copy !req
742. Oh, it's a '97?
Yeah.
Copy !req
743. Was that a good year?
Oh, my God.
Copy !req
744. It was great year.
Are you kidding me?
Copy !req
745. I saw my first r-rated movie
that year.
Copy !req
746. Yeah, anaconda.
Ah. Anaconda.
Copy !req
747. Um— first tattoo, porpoise.
Copy !req
748. Really? Oh.
Fake.
Copy !req
749. First kiss.
Copy !req
750. Scotty lynch.
Copy !req
751. You guys used tongue?
Copy !req
752. Maybe.
Copy !req
753. You jealous of Scotty lynch?
Copy !req
754. Uh, yes, I am. Um—
Copy !req
755. actually, I think I'm jealous
of your whole 1997. Uh—
Copy !req
756. let's see. Mine, um, uh—
Copy !req
757. first orthodontist.
Copy !req
758. The bastard gave me headgear.
Yeah. I got my first b.
Copy !req
759. Oh, no.
Copy !req
760. Frightening as anaconda. Um—
Copy !req
761. in wood shop, which doesn't really
count as a class anyway.
Copy !req
762. No.
Um...
Copy !req
763. Had my first, uh, school dance.
Oh, thank you.
Copy !req
764. It was a sadie Hawkins,
so girls' choice, you know.
Copy !req
765. Ugh.
What, and nobody picked you?
Copy !req
766. It was girls' choice.
Copy !req
767. Those bitches.
I know.
Copy !req
768. No, I will not stand for this.
No. You know what?
Copy !req
769. On behalf
of all the eighth-grade girls,
Copy !req
770. I would like to make it up to you.
Copy !req
771. Relax.
Copy !req
772. Scotty's old news.
Copy !req
773. I don't even know your name,
but this is actually really nice.
Copy !req
774. You know, between you, me
and what about Bob?
Copy !req
775. you're actually kind of cute.
Copy !req
776. You think so?
Copy !req
777. Yeah.
Copy !req
778. I mean, you got the guts of a guppy,
Copy !req
779. but I could hit that.
Copy !req
780. Really?
Copy !req
781. Or at least give you
the intentional walk to first.
Copy !req
782. Hey, a little help moving the couch?
Copy !req
783. Oh.
We're making a fort.
Copy !req
784. Yeah.
Yeah, that's probably for the best.
Copy !req
785. Right.
Uh, because, um,
Copy !req
786. I like you,
Copy !req
787. Columbus, but, um—
but, uh, my sister and I,
Copy !req
788. are gonna do
whatever it takes to survive, so...
Copy !req
789. I was hoping
Wichita was just playing hard to get,
Copy !req
790. but I realized she had
more trust issues than I did,
Copy !req
791. when I woke up the next day
and she was leaving.
Copy !req
792. You are like a giant
cock-blocking robot,
Copy !req
793. like, developed in a secret
fucking government lab.
Copy !req
794. Hey.
Copy !req
795. I can't believe I almost kissed him.
What's our rule?
Copy !req
796. Trust no one, just you and me.
Just you and me.
Copy !req
797. Yeah. You and me.
Copy !req
798. You have just survived
the zombie apocalypse,
Copy !req
799. and drove halfway across
the country.
Copy !req
800. Where are you gonna go?
Copy !req
801. I'm going to pacific playland.
Whoo! Ha-ha.
Copy !req
802. Open sesame.
Copy !req
803. This is the problem
with getting attached to someone.
Copy !req
804. When they leave you,
you just feel lost.
Copy !req
805. Having Tallahassee around
didn't comfort me,
Copy !req
806. it just made me feel more alone.
Copy !req
807. Hey. You weren't exactly
gonna score, anyway.
Copy !req
808. You know, you weren't storming
the trenches before I came along.
Copy !req
809. That's why I don't let people close.
You only get burned.
Copy !req
810. You don't say.
Copy !req
811. Mexico.
Copy !req
812. You know what they call twinkies
in Mexico?
Copy !req
813. That's where I'm headed, amigo.
Whatever.
Copy !req
814. Little rock: Oh, my God.
I know.
Copy !req
815. Little rock:
This is really fun.
Copy !req
816. Little rock: Oh, my God.
Yeah.
Copy !req
817. Oh, no.
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818. I'm going after Wichita.
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819. Look, you ever read that book
she's just not that lnto you?
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820. You can't make yourself
too available.
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821. I don't care, all right?
I wanna be with her.
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822. Have fun in Mexico.
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823. Come on. Hurry.
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824. Get in.
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825. Come on, go.
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826. Go, go.
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827. On the count of three.
One, two, three.
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828. Uhn. You okay? Come on.
Hurry, get up.
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829. Come on, let's go.
Yeah.
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830. There.
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831. Um, uh... I'm not great
at farewells, so, uh,
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832. that'll do, pig.
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833. That's the worst goodbye
I've ever heard,
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834. and you stole it from a movie.
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835. Tell the ladies I said hey.
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836. You know, their pictures
were in someone's wallet too.
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837. Hop in the car, evel knievel.
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838. Let's go ride the roller coaster.
Thanks.
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839. Go!
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840. Ah!
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841. Not as fun as I remember.
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842. Shoot the control box.
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843. Columbus?
Tallahassee?
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844. I think they might actually
require our assistance this time.
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845. Buckle up.
Yeah. I'm way ahead of you.
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846. Time to nut up or shut up.
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847. Holy shit.
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848. My mama always told me
someday I'd be good at something.
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849. Who'd have guessed that
something would be zombie killing?
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850. Probably nobody.
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851. Look.
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852. We better start working
on our apology.
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853. Oh, no. No.
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854. Hey!
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855. Hey! Ohio!
Little rock: Over here!
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856. Hey! Help!
Little rock: Help!
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857. Oh, my God.
Little rock: Help!
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858. Hey!
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859. Help!
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860. Hey, they're up there. They're okay.
What are you waiting for?
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861. That's your gal.
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862. Over here!
Little rock: Help!
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863. Come on!
Come get a piece of Tallahassee!
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864. Anybody hungry?
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865. Tallahassee's nice this time of year!
Come on!
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866. Come on, you ugly bastards!
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867. Holy shit.
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868. Holy shit.
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869. Little rock:
Hey!
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870. Ha-ha. Whoo. Whoo, whoo.
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871. Ah!
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872. Motherfucker!
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873. Shit. I'm out of shells.
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874. Bingo.
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875. Hee-hee!
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876. Yeah!
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877. Oh, yeah.
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878. Whoo!
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879. Here we go.
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880. Oh. Oh, shit.
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881. Wichita! Little rock!
Hurry!
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882. Oh, my God.
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883. Look at this fucking clown.
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884. Of course. It had to be a clown.
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885. Fuck.
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886. No, wait, it had to be a clown,
and it had to be Wichita
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887. for me to finally understand
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888. that some rules
are made to be broken.
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889. Time to nut up or shut up.
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890. Fuck this clown.
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891. Thanks.
Hey.
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892. Get your gun. Here you go. Hi.
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893. Okay.
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894. Krista.
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895. Okay. We should probably
head out now.
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896. Finally got to first base.
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897. Not bad for that scrawny
little spit-fuck.
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898. Where's Florida?
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899. Uh...
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900. I have a little hunch.
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901. Where are you, you spongy,
yellow, delicious bastards?
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902. Where are you?
Yo.
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903. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
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904. False advertising.
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905. Jesus Christ.
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906. You want a sno ball or something?
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907. Oh, God.
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908. Words cannot express.
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909. It's too soon.
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910. Do you think you could
maybe just pick out the buckshot
and just kind of eat around it?
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911. Okay, yeah.
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912. No!
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913. No!
No!
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914. That face?
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915. That's me realizing that those smart
girls in that big black truck
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916. and that big guy
in that snakeskin jacket,
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917. they were the closest to
something I'd always wanted
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918. but never really had.
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919. A family.
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920. I trusted them and they trusted me.
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921. Rule number 32:
Enjoy the little things.
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922. Tallahassee got his twinkie.
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923. And even though life would never
be simple or innocent again,
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924. as he savored that spongy,
yellow log of cream,
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925. we had hope. We had each other.
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926. And without other people, well,
you might as well be a zombie.
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927. Thank you so much.
You had us going.
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928. Yeah.
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929. Whoa, whoa. Whoa.
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930. That was very funny.
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931. So until next time, remember:
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932. Cardie, seat belts, and this
has nothing to do with anything,
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933. but a little sunscreen
never hurt anybody.
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934. I'm Columbus, Ohio, from
zombieland, saying good night.
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935. In the words of the immortal
Jean-Paul sartre...
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936. In the— in the immortal—
how do you do it?
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937. Just give me a little hint.
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938. In the words of, uh, the immortal, uh,
philosopher Jean-Paul sartre, uh,
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939. au revoir, gopher.
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940. Okay.
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