1. My name is, uh,
Zach Galifianakis, and, um...Copy !req
2. I hope I'm
pronouncing that right.Copy !req
3. I'm named after my granddad—
my middle name.Copy !req
4. My name... name
is Zach Granddad Galifianakis.Copy !req
5. Growing up, my dad was like,Copy !req
6. "Zach, you have
a great last name.Copy !req
7. "Galifianakis, Galifianakis...Copy !req
8. "Begins with a gal...Copy !req
9. and ends with a kiss."Copy !req
10. I'm like, "That's great, Dad.Copy !req
11. Can we get it changed
to Galifianafuck, please?"Copy !req
12. I think of the... I thought ofCopy !req
13. the worst character yesterday,
and I'm going to try it,Copy !req
14. but I don't know if it'll work.Copy !req
15. It's the guy that moves
to America from India,Copy !req
16. and he gets his nines
and his sevensCopy !req
17. mix up... mixed up.Copy !req
18. "I want to open up
my own 9-Eleven."Copy !req
19. It's 7-Eleven!Copy !req
20. Oh, God.Copy !req
21. Hey, uh, Zach?Copy !req
22. Apparently,
they just intro'ed you.Copy !req
23. Oh, shit!Copy !req
24. All right, let's hear
a little noise right now.Copy !req
25. Going to bring up
your headliner.Copy !req
26. Ladies and gentlemen...Copy !req
27. Zach Galifianakis.Copy !req
28. Thank you.Copy !req
29. Wow. This is a...
this is a dream for you.Copy !req
30. It's nice to be on the outskirts
of Chinese Town, and, uh...Copy !req
31. Yeah, they changed it
to Chinese Town.Copy !req
32. I'm going to start
a little slow tonight.Copy !req
33. I drank so fucking much
last night.Copy !req
34. Oh, God, I-I just got
to calm...Copy !req
35. My... my liver wrote
his congressmanCopy !req
36. and complained.Copy !req
37. And it's...Copy !req
38. It's going to be all right,
though.Copy !req
39. It's going to be really nice.Copy !req
40. When you look like I do,Copy !req
41. it's hard to get a table for one
at Chuck E. Cheese.Copy !req
42. I went to my stylist, uh,
tonight before the show,Copy !req
43. and she was, uh, like, uh,Copy !req
44. "Zach, what kind of look
are you going for?"Copy !req
45. I said, "Just give me
the AMBER Alert."Copy !req
46. "Something along those lines,"
I think is what she said.Copy !req
47. I was at the, uh,
Natalie Merchant laser showCopy !req
48. the other day, and, um...Copy !req
49. when I wrote this next
piece of business.Copy !req
50. Oh, God.Copy !req
51. Last night, I...
all right, I'm going to get...Copy !req
52. I... I got so dr...Copy !req
53. I... I African-Americaned out.Copy !req
54. And, um...Copy !req
55. Perhaps to really get to knowCopy !req
56. actor and comedian
Zach GalifianakisCopy !req
57. you have to go
where it all started,Copy !req
58. his birthplace,
the place he grew up,Copy !req
59. and talk to the person
who knows him best, perhaps,Copy !req
60. his twin brother—Copy !req
61. identical twin brother—
Seth Galifianakis.Copy !req
62. This is where it all began
for you and your brother.Copy !req
63. - That's right.
- On this street.Copy !req
64. - Everfair?
- Everfair Terrace.Copy !req
65. - 1621 Everfair Serrace...
- Uh-huh.Copy !req
66. Terrace. Nervous.Copy !req
67. But, uh, yeah, this is,
uh, this is it.Copy !req
68. - This is where it
started, and... -Mm-hmm.Copy !req
69. this is probably
where it'll end...Copy !req
70. for me.Copy !req
71. My grandma treats me
like a rock star.Copy !req
72. I guess that's why she
lets me sign her tits.Copy !req
73. It takes forever.Copy !req
74. Because I use a pencil.Copy !req
75. Never meet anyone in public
and then, uh...Copy !req
76. Never meet anyone on the
Internet, I should say, and...Copy !req
77. Let me take that again.Copy !req
78. Five, four...Copy !req
79. three...Copy !req
80. two...Copy !req
81. Action.Copy !req
82. Tell me a little bit
about yourself, Seth.Copy !req
83. Tell me about
the town you live in,Copy !req
84. your family here, what
you do for a living. What...Copy !req
85. Are you rolling?Copy !req
86. Is that how you s... "action"?Copy !req
87. - You don't...
- Do you say "action"?Copy !req
88. You know what,
we're having a conversation,Copy !req
89. and ignore the cameras.Copy !req
90. I know it's hard to,Copy !req
91. because there's one
right over my shoulder,Copy !req
92. and I'm looking at one...Copy !req
93. here...Copy !req
94. and then the lights
seem very unnatural,Copy !req
95. and they get a little warm.Copy !req
96. But just try to shut
all of that out,Copy !req
97. and it's just us
having a conversationCopy !req
98. like we did a half an hour agoCopy !req
99. - when we met.
- Can you just...Copy !req
100. well, do you mind
saying "action"Copy !req
101. just before you start,
just to...Copy !req
102. 'Cause I've always
wanted to be, uh...Copy !req
103. Like, on the George Lopez show,
I saw the behind-the-scenesCopy !req
104. of George Lopez, and it was
on Entertainment Tonight,Copy !req
105. and... before
he started talking,Copy !req
106. somebody was, like...Copy !req
107. "Action."Copy !req
108. So if you'd... I mean,
I'm not... I'm not...Copy !req
109. I'm no George... Lopez
or anything like that,Copy !req
110. - but I-I... If you'd just do it,
- Right. You're right.Copy !req
111. - I think it might kick it in
a little bit better. -Okay.Copy !req
112. Action's usually reserved
for film shoots,Copy !req
113. when they do film, because it
actually syncs up the soundCopy !req
114. and the film, and we're
shooting video today,Copy !req
115. so we don't really
need to do that.Copy !req
116. But if you insist,
we could do that.Copy !req
117. Yeah, it's just one word,
if you don't mind.Copy !req
118. - Okay.
- Are you still on the NRA?Copy !req
119. NPR... Was it NRA?Copy !req
120. It's National Public Radio.Copy !req
121. Are you familiar...
Do you get it down...Copy !req
122. They-they play it out
in the, like, college townsCopy !req
123. in North Carolina,
NPR and stuff, and I...Copy !req
124. I mean, it's...Copy !req
125. to me it's a bunch of junk.Copy !req
126. Never meet anyone onlineCopy !req
127. and then agree
to meet them out in public.Copy !req
128. I did that.Copy !req
129. And the first thing
the woman says to me is,Copy !req
130. "You don't look
like Matt Damon."Copy !req
131. And I said, uh, "You don't
look like Penny Marshall."Copy !req
132. Your political belief system,
what is it?Copy !req
133. Is it important to you?Copy !req
134. And is faith also an aspect
of Seth Galifianakis?Copy !req
135. Uh, yes, um, faith is, um...Copy !req
136. I'm a youth minister...Copy !req
137. and, um, in charge
of youth chili cook-offs.Copy !req
138. I'm sorry...Copy !req
139. I'm very sorry.Copy !req
140. If you read my blog,
you know I'm a Pilates freak,Copy !req
141. and, uh...Copy !req
142. I like to read
the Pubble... the Buh...Copy !req
143. Fuck, I goddamn suck!Copy !req
144. I don't know...Copy !req
145. I... Sometimes I have
a speech impediment,Copy !req
146. which is...Copy !req
147. it's a hard word to say
if you have one.Copy !req
148. I guess.Copy !req
149. I like to read the Bible
in public placesCopy !req
150. so people are
watching me read it.Copy !req
151. And I like just
to murmur out to myself,Copy !req
152. "Oh, bullshit!"Copy !req
153. My agent called me
the other day,Copy !req
154. and she was, like,
"Zach, you have an auditionCopy !req
155. for a Triscuits commercial."Copy !req
156. And I said, uh,
"Is there any nudity?"Copy !req
157. And she said, "Yes."Copy !req
158. And I said, uh, "I don't have
to fuck a cracker, do I?"Copy !req
159. Hey, that's not true— I just
wanted to write a joke whereCopy !req
160. the punch line was "I don't
have to fuck a cracker, do I?"Copy !req
161. Which would be different
if I were a black comedian.Copy !req
162. Have you seen this show on
Lifetime about that woman...?Copy !req
163. These are all old jokes.Copy !req
164. I'm gonna do nothing
but new material. Here we go.Copy !req
165. Brand-new material.Copy !req
166. Have you guys been keeping up
with this Lorena Bobbitt thing?Copy !req
167. I want to open a maternity shop
and call it "We're Fucked."Copy !req
168. I'm really tired.
I just got back from St. Louis,Copy !req
169. and I'm so bus-lagged and, um...Copy !req
170. when you have sex
on a Greyhound bus,Copy !req
171. it's called the,
uh, 36-inch-high club.Copy !req
172. That's my new character—Copy !req
173. the serious guyCopy !req
174. who surprises you with a belch.Copy !req
175. It's my new character
I'm working on.Copy !req
176. For five years now, I've been
addicted to cold turkey.Copy !req
177. And I would tell people
I'm quitting cold turkey.Copy !req
178. They're like
"What are you quitting?"Copy !req
179. I'm like, "I'm quitting
fucking cold turkey."Copy !req
180. I was at Arby's the other day,
and uh...Copy !req
181. I was thinking to myself,Copy !req
182. "Oh, shit.
I should take someone's order."Copy !req
183. Then I thought, I should
open up my own restaurantCopy !req
184. in the same vein as IHOP.Copy !req
185. But I'd like to call it IHOCOC.Copy !req
186. Which stands for "International
House of Corn on the Cob."Copy !req
187. And we sell corn...
on the cob.Copy !req
188. And our slogan is, "Come on
down; don't be such a faggot."Copy !req
189. I can't decide
on the character for the DVD,Copy !req
190. so I'm doing
a lot of different looks.Copy !req
191. Okay, guys...Copy !req
192. This is fucked up, man.Copy !req
193. Fucking Bukowski was right.Copy !req
194. I'll tell you what was wrong
with the Ford administration.Copy !req
195. Nobody complains
about the Ford administration.Copy !req
196. I rented The Importance of Being
Earnest the other night,Copy !req
197. and, um...Copy !req
198. First of all, I can't believe
they made another Ernest movie.Copy !req
199. And it's such a cocky title.Copy !req
200. I bought a, uh, used carCopy !req
201. that had a vanity plate
on it already.Copy !req
202. The vanity plate reads:
"I S-U-X D-I-X."Copy !req
203. I sux dix.Copy !req
204. And I just tell people
that it stands for,Copy !req
205. "I sure xylophone.
Do I xylophone!"Copy !req
206. Or "I sell used Xerox,
digital interface Xerox."Copy !req
207. You like this one?Copy !req
208. I do like that.Copy !req
209. You need to try it on?
Is this...?Copy !req
210. Yeah.Copy !req
211. You do?
These'll fit.Copy !req
212. These'll fit.Copy !req
213. But why don't
you try this...?Copy !req
214. - Wow.
- You like that?Copy !req
215. Yeah.Copy !req
216. What do you think?Copy !req
217. It's nice.Copy !req
218. Is it comfortable?Copy !req
219. It's comfortable, and I think
it's gonna breathe nice.Copy !req
220. Candles!Copy !req
221. Leave it on.Copy !req
222. The old
dressing-Joe-up-as-a-lady trick.Copy !req
223. I do like being
sketched, though.Copy !req
224. You know what I mean?Copy !req
225. Being in a sketch or being
just, like, sketched?Copy !req
226. No, just being sketched.Copy !req
227. Specifically caricature.Copy !req
228. When that happens
and I'm not...Copy !req
229. 'Cause then I always...Copy !req
230. I always feel...
I always feel thinner.Copy !req
231. I was getting ready to say, "Do
they ever run out of pencil?"Copy !req
232. Airline food's weird.Copy !req
233. Is it cool
if I turn this around?Copy !req
234. That's my other character
that I'm doing—Copy !req
235. the guy that's confused
about the microphone.Copy !req
236. That's another guy
that I'm working on.Copy !req
237. I have a lot of "chairacters"
that I do.Copy !req
238. There's no way that this table
came to see me specifically.Copy !req
239. I know that you were a little
picked on earlier, but...Copy !req
240. Honest to God, did an old...
I mean...Copy !req
241. We may have to move you
in the back.Copy !req
242. It's not good for the DVD.Copy !req
243. And we're also looking
for a more ethnic crowd.Copy !req
244. We... I see now.
That's what...Copy !req
245. Uh... We, uh, we
focus-grouped, and, uh...Copy !req
246. Shit, this is...
this is hard right here.Copy !req
247. Are there any Asians
or blacks in the back?Copy !req
248. That's gonna
be the name of the DVD.Copy !req
249. That's it, that's the name.Copy !req
250. Are There Any Asians or Blacks
in the Back?Copy !req
251. Somebody write that down.
I'll never...Copy !req
252. I'll never remember it.Copy !req
253. No, if you don't mind me,
uh, a'ksing,Copy !req
254. wh-what, uh...Copy !req
255. You have the worst body language
I've ever seen.Copy !req
256. No, no, no, no, no.Copy !req
257. I mean, you know, that's okay.
I mean, you're being honest.Copy !req
258. At least, you know, you're be...Copy !req
259. you're being honest, and that's
the way you have to be.Copy !req
260. And, uh...Copy !req
261. but why sit up front
and ruin my career?Copy !req
262. This was supposed to propel me,
this DVD shit.Copy !req
263. Goddamn it,
I've got an eye doctor...Copy !req
264. whose squint...Copy !req
265. he's got a look on his face like
he's trying to crack a safe.Copy !req
266. During my jokes.Copy !req
267. Uh...Copy !req
268. can I get you some absinthe
or something?Copy !req
269. Is there any...?Copy !req
270. Is there some kind of drink
to get this, uh...Copy !req
271. this fuckin' motherfuckin'
party, whoo!Copy !req
272. I love guys like,
"Let's fucking party!Copy !req
273. Whoo!"Copy !req
274. "Yeah, fuck it up!"Copy !req
275. I grew up with guys like that.Copy !req
276. I hated them so much.Copy !req
277. Uh...Copy !req
278. But seriously, Dr. Eye...Copy !req
279. Do you have stock in Netflix?Copy !req
280. What the fuck is, uh...Copy !req
281. why up front?Copy !req
282. You don't... You haven't...
you just came...Copy !req
283. You stumbled on to a
comedy show, right?Copy !req
284. No, we came to see you.Copy !req
285. - Really?
- Yeah.Copy !req
286. We're from Walnut Creek.Copy !req
287. From... All the way
from Walnut Creek?Copy !req
288. Guys!Copy !req
289. Wait a minute, wait.Copy !req
290. So, you didn't come to see me.Copy !req
291. You did...
That's a... that's a...Copy !req
292. Oh, did you see Out Cold?Copy !req
293. Yeah!Copy !req
294. It was a snowboarding movie
I did with Lee Majors.Copy !req
295. - Um, you look like...
- Everybody Wang Chung!Copy !req
296. Yeah, you look like,
uh, my fan base. Uh...Copy !req
297. No, honestly,
in-in all seriousness,Copy !req
298. uh...Copy !req
299. wh-why are you here?Copy !req
300. Came to see you.Copy !req
301. - How do you know about me?
- From over here.Copy !req
302. From over where?Copy !req
303. This guy over here.Copy !req
304. - Somebody told you
to come see me? -Yeah. Yeah.Copy !req
305. - Well, who do we blame?
Who is the guy? -There he is.Copy !req
306. - Where?
- Right there.Copy !req
307. - He's here.
- Oh...Copy !req
308. Oh, this guy.Copy !req
309. Is that somebody's, uh,
is that your grandson?Copy !req
310. Oh, God,Copy !req
311. I'm fucking great.Copy !req
312. I don't know how...Copy !req
313. Wait, is... all right,
so this is somebody's...Copy !req
314. neighbor... like, is he, like...Copy !req
315. slightly...Copy !req
316. Explain that; I'd like to know.Copy !req
317. Uh,
we were here last weekCopy !req
318. watching Mort Sahl
with this gentleman, andCopy !req
319. I told him he should come back
so he could bring his friends.Copy !req
320. - Oh, really?
- Yeah, 'cause you were great.Copy !req
321. Uh, that's very nice. Uh...Copy !req
322. How was Mort...
how was Mort Sahl?Copy !req
323. Fantastic.Copy !req
324. Fuckin' timing was...Copy !req
325. He does too many pussy jokes.Copy !req
326. That whole bit he does where...Copy !req
327. What was it that Noam Chomsky
said about eating pussy?Copy !req
328. Just to proveCopy !req
329. that I can be a dirty comedianCopy !req
330. but also appeal
to the art crowd,Copy !req
331. this next joke is...Copy !req
332. so... to prove that I
can appeal to the art crowdCopy !req
333. but also be dirty.Copy !req
334. So, I call my balls
Belle and Sebastian.Copy !req
335. Something...Copy !req
336. along those lines.Copy !req
337. I'm-I'm sorry that, uh...Copy !req
338. When I see, uh...Copy !req
339. You look like—
and this is a compliment.Copy !req
340. I mean this as a compliment.
And I-I really do.Copy !req
341. You look like you've never said
the word "dude" in your life.Copy !req
342. And I love that.Copy !req
343. I... that's what's wrong
with this generation.Copy !req
344. They say "dude" too much.Copy !req
345. My name is fucking Zach.Copy !req
346. Yeah, Zach was pretty good, and
then he went off on a tangentCopy !req
347. about "dude" that sucked!Copy !req
348. Uh, well, I apologize, sir.Copy !req
349. What is your name?Copy !req
350. - Carl.
- Carl. Uh...Copy !req
351. I'm sorry that, uh,
it's probably not the...Copy !req
352. the... the...Copy !req
353. what you expected, it's, uh...Copy !req
354. You know, you got this
fuckin' skateboarder back hereCopy !req
355. running his mouth.Copy !req
356. Take advice from a 14-year-old.Copy !req
357. Yeah, you should
come see this next guyCopy !req
358. after seeing Mort Sahl.Copy !req
359. Jesus Christ.Copy !req
360. If you love Mort Sahl
and his political humor,Copy !req
361. you're gonna love the
"who ate all the pussy?" jokesCopy !req
362. coming from Zatch Gaspifianaski.Copy !req
363. That linkage is the worst.Copy !req
364. If you love Barry Manilow,
you're gonna loveCopy !req
365. the Insane Clown Posse.Copy !req
366. Love them!Copy !req
367. They're exactly...Copy !req
368. Well, they're not exactly alike,
but they're a little bit alike.Copy !req
369. But I want everything to be
entertaining for everybody.Copy !req
370. I don't like to...Copy !req
371. you know, I'm not one
of these, like...Copy !req
372. "Fuck you, old man."Copy !req
373. It was such an insult,
and it was not supposed to be.Copy !req
374. I'm getting older, goddamn it.Copy !req
375. I'm getting fatter, too.Copy !req
376. You know you're getting fatterCopy !req
377. when your socks
don't fit anymore.Copy !req
378. Getting fatter really sucks,Copy !req
379. 'cause I'm extremely
claustrophobic.Copy !req
380. I hate elevators.Copy !req
381. Oh.Copy !req
382. - Oh, sorry.
- Oh, it's okay.Copy !req
383. You know, you're really scared.Copy !req
384. - What floor?
- Basement. Basement.Copy !req
385. - Basement? Okay.
- You're sweating. -Thank you.Copy !req
386. I got to get out.Copy !req
387. I'm getting claustrophobic.Copy !req
388. - I'll meet you down there.
- Oh...Copy !req
389. - I'll meet you guys down.
- Okay.Copy !req
390. What happened?Copy !req
391. The woman thinks it's her,
that I got out because of her.Copy !req
392. - What happens?
- I just, uh,Copy !req
393. get this rush over me,Copy !req
394. and, uh, I can't deal with it.Copy !req
395. Plus, it doesn't help
having Joe in the elevator.Copy !req
396. What is... what is the rush?
Explain it.Copy !req
397. It's this: You're never
gonna get out of this.Copy !req
398. You're never gonna get out
of this small boxCopy !req
399. for the rest of your life.Copy !req
400. And you're gonna whittle away.Copy !req
401. And...Copy !req
402. let's face it,
Joe's gonna get hungry.Copy !req
403. I wish I had the balls
to do that for an hour.Copy !req
404. Yeah, we went and saw Zach.Copy !req
405. It was... it was good at first,
and then, uh...Copy !req
406. I don't know, he's
fuckin' losing his mind.Copy !req
407. You know what I found
watching footage of you?Copy !req
408. That mental illness
is a theme with you.Copy !req
409. - Yeah, it is.
- Are you...Copy !req
410. Am I going crazy?Copy !req
411. Are you... do you think...Copy !req
412. does that come from a thingCopy !req
413. that's actually
happening with you?Copy !req
414. No. My brother
just always has saidCopy !req
415. that I was gonna be
in a mental institutionCopy !req
416. by the time I was...Copy !req
417. And he, like, jokes
about it, like...Copy !req
418. And it's funny... it's funny.Copy !req
419. But you know, I think
the human psyche's so fragileCopy !req
420. a lot of times.Copy !req
421. Can you really trust your mind?Copy !req
422. Can you really
trust your mind?Copy !req
423. Let's talk about Zach's...Copy !req
424. um, techniqueCopy !req
425. - on stage.
- Is that what you call it?Copy !req
426. You call it something else?Copy !req
427. I don't have... I don't have...
necessarily have a word for it.Copy !req
428. It's a bit of
a roller coaster, isn't it?Copy !req
429. Because there are moments
where Zach will stop,Copy !req
430. and we're wondering if he is...
gonna just walk away from it,Copy !req
431. as if the whole show's stopping.Copy !req
432. But he doesn't disappoint us,
because he picks usCopy !req
433. right back up and carries on.Copy !req
434. What do you think of the style?Copy !req
435. What do you think
of the technique?Copy !req
436. Well, first of all...Copy !req
437. I-I see it, and I've
seen it a few times,Copy !req
438. and I'm thinking...Copy !req
439. does he every get embarrassed?Copy !req
440. Does he have any shame at all?Copy !req
441. Does he not know...Copy !req
442. that maybe people
don't want to sit through this?Copy !req
443. Is that an old joke?Copy !req
444. Where did the camera go? Oh.Copy !req
445. Um...Copy !req
446. Can I get a sausage
smoothie, please?Copy !req
447. Can I get a gin and Capri Sun?Copy !req
448. Uh, two diet Tequizas?Copy !req
449. That's my, uh,
that's my new character,Copy !req
450. the guy that orders
stupid things.Copy !req
451. This is me at a restaurantCopy !req
452. ordering, uh, wine, and we'll
pretend this is the menu.Copy !req
453. Uh, wha...Copy !req
454. You know, you always have
a microphone at a restaurant.Copy !req
455. Um...Copy !req
456. Sir, would you like
something to drink?Copy !req
457. Uh, yeah, what were
they drinking in Sideways?Copy !req
458. Let me update that,
in case that's not topical.Copy !req
459. Uh, yeah,Copy !req
460. what were they drinking
in Sideways 2?Copy !req
461. Can he be serious?Copy !req
462. The only time
I saw him be seriousCopy !req
463. was when...Copy !req
464. That's a buzz kill.Copy !req
465. See, I can, like...
like, that was a joke.Copy !req
466. See, you get it? 'Cause
it's a buzz saw, probably.Copy !req
467. - Mm-hmm. -And I was, like,
"That's... that's a buzz kill."Copy !req
468. - Mm-hmm.
- That's what my students say.Copy !req
469. The guys that-that do football
a lot, they're, like,Copy !req
470. "That's a buzz kill,"Copy !req
471. and I'm, like,
"What's that mean?"Copy !req
472. And they're, like, "Oh,
it just means it's not good."Copy !req
473. So that was a buzz kill.Copy !req
474. I saw that movie, uh,
Miss Congeniality 2.Copy !req
475. It wasn't as good as
I thought it was gonna be.Copy !req
476. If you love Miss Congeniality 2,Copy !req
477. you are gonna love
The Corporation.Copy !req
478. Are you guys getting this?Copy !req
479. I'm fucking killing.Copy !req
480. Are these cameras even on?Copy !req
481. Now this is where
my brother and I, um,Copy !req
482. really... we really differ.Copy !req
483. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
484. He's more into...
other people.Copy !req
485. And I'm into these people.Copy !req
486. Well, you're different
in a lot of ways.Copy !req
487. Different in a lot ways?Copy !req
488. You and Zach
are very different...Copy !req
489. Yeah, we're... The only thing
we have in common isCopy !req
490. that we both like the Fugees.Copy !req
491. The Fugees?Copy !req
492. I mean, do you have a-a memoryCopy !req
493. of-of actually sharing anything
with the Fugees,Copy !req
494. or was that just...?Copy !req
495. We don't have to talk about it,
if you don't want to.Copy !req
496. Let's-Let's move on.Copy !req
497. I... I'm sorry. What...?Copy !req
498. I bought the Fugees CD.Copy !req
499. Whenever that...
whenever it...Copy !req
500. Whenever it came out,
I was... I was...Copy !req
501. I had to pick Zach up...Copy !req
502. from the airport once,
and I was, like,Copy !req
503. "Zach, do you want to listen...Copy !req
504. listen to this new rap group,
the Fugees?"Copy !req
505. He's, like, "Yeah, I..."Copy !req
506. I didn't think he'd like it,Copy !req
507. 'cause he doesn't like anything.Copy !req
508. What did he say to you?Copy !req
509. What did Zach say to you?Copy !req
510. He-He loved it.Copy !req
511. He liked it?Copy !req
512. He loved it.Copy !req
513. Would you say
that was one of the few thingsCopy !req
514. that you ever shared
in common then?Copy !req
515. At that moment
you knew that, that...?Copy !req
516. It was the first thing
in a long timeCopy !req
517. that he and I have ever, like,
agreed on.Copy !req
518. It was a moment that I wish
had lasted forever,Copy !req
519. but it only lasted
to the end of the song.Copy !req
520. He didn't like the other ones.Copy !req
521. So we only really...Copy !req
522. The only thing that we've really
bonded on so far...Copy !req
523. the last few years
is that one Fugees song.Copy !req
524. I don't even know the name
of it.Copy !req
525. I like all their songs.Copy !req
526. Is there something funny?Copy !req
527. I'm sorry.Copy !req
528. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.Copy !req
529. Uh, William, was it?Copy !req
530. Yeah.Copy !req
531. What-What is it
that you do for a living?Copy !req
532. Um, I work on the Sims II.Copy !req
533. It's a video game.Copy !req
534. What?Copy !req
535. I got bored when you went, "Uh."Copy !req
536. So fucking boring, this guy.Copy !req
537. That's my new character.Copy !req
538. The guy that gets bored
automatically.Copy !req
539. "What do you do for...?"Copy !req
540. "Oh, I, well..."Copy !req
541. "Oh, bull! Who gives a shit?"Copy !req
542. No one fucking cares,
William. Billy.Copy !req
543. No one likes you.Copy !req
544. No one!Copy !req
545. Uh, Sims— oh, that's
the-the video game, right?Copy !req
546. Always to emphasize my boredom,Copy !req
547. I always put a microphone
next to my mouth.Copy !req
548. What the blind...?Copy !req
549. What the fuck are you doing?Copy !req
550. This is personal,
between William and I.Copy !req
551. How's my gut look?Copy !req
552. I'm serious.
This is a very bad position.Copy !req
553. Oh, God, I've gotten fat.Copy !req
554. And I don't mean P-H-A-T phat.Copy !req
555. I mean, F-F-F-A-T-T-T fat.Copy !req
556. Car horn fat.Copy !req
557. William?Copy !req
558. Yes, Zach?Copy !req
559. Uh, so, you're a...
you're an operatorCopy !req
560. for that Sims game?Copy !req
561. No. I do, uh,
3-D models for the game.Copy !req
562. Uh, what does that... what does
that mean in... really?Copy !req
563. I mean...Copy !req
564. Uh, well...Copy !req
565. Fucking boring!Copy !req
566. Seriously.Copy !req
567. Goddamn it!Copy !req
568. This is a DVD.Copy !req
569. I need dinosaurs,Copy !req
570. thunder.Copy !req
571. Race wars, something.Copy !req
572. Damn it!Copy !req
573. I got to sell
this motherfucker.Copy !req
574. Is there anyone more exciting
than William?Copy !req
575. What's up with stuff?Copy !req
576. I spoke to Zach,Copy !req
577. and he told me
he was here this summer.Copy !req
578. It was the last visit he had.Copy !req
579. And he told me about something
that occurred up to a point.Copy !req
580. He said there was a dispute
in the family.Copy !req
581. What happened
when he was here?Copy !req
582. You know what? I-I...Copy !req
583. What I'm getting ready
to say, I'd rather not.Copy !req
584. It seemed...
I'd rather not do it.Copy !req
585. Well, Zach
and I talked about this.Copy !req
586. And it seemed to me
like he want...Copy !req
587. he wanted me to ask-ask Seth.Copy !req
588. Just ask Seth.Copy !req
589. - Well, I...
- Why won't you talk about it?Copy !req
590. Because I do...
I don't... I don't...Copy !req
591. - What happened that day?
- I don't want to be accusatory.Copy !req
592. Do you do that thing...?Copy !req
593. Do you ever do that thing
where's there's like a...Copy !req
594. a silhouette of the person,
and then you make their voiceCopy !req
595. like a monster voice
to disguise what... who they is?Copy !req
596. Let's go back.Copy !req
597. Are you comfortable?
Are you comfortable now?Copy !req
598. It isn't much...
Do you want to put that...?Copy !req
599. Are you gonna put that...
uh, that monster voice...?Copy !req
600. It's either a robot
or a monster.Copy !req
601. We can adjust...Copy !req
602. I suppose
we can adjust your voice,Copy !req
603. or equalize it
so that it doesn't sound...Copy !req
604. Okay, let's...
Then I'm ready to talk about it.Copy !req
605. Okay. Um, I want...Copy !req
606. Take me back to the night.Copy !req
607. You're playing Pictionary,
was it?Copy !req
608. Um, where is Zach
in all of this?Copy !req
609. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
610. Zach broke the law that day.Copy !req
611. It's great to be on stage, guys,
it really is. Um...Copy !req
612. I'm, uh...Copy !req
613. It's hot in here.Copy !req
614. Again,Copy !req
615. great shirt selection
for the DVD.Copy !req
616. I went... I went
to the shirt place.Copy !req
617. I was, like,
"Do you have anythingCopy !req
618. to highlight my alcoholism?"Copy !req
619. I look like a third-grader
who swallowed a penguin.Copy !req
620. That's the name of the DVD,
by the way.Copy !req
621. Actually, I was telling a guy.
I would think it would be greatCopy !req
622. just to name the DVD
after the...Copy !req
623. Just call it whatever
the new Coldplay album is.Copy !req
624. "What's the name of it?"Copy !req
625. "Oh, okay, that's what
we'll name it."Copy !req
626. But it's actually called
The New Coldplay Album.Copy !req
627. Can you guys kill the audience?Copy !req
628. Just get rid of them.Copy !req
629. I think it's better
if I'm just alone.Copy !req
630. I-I don't need a fucking...Copy !req
631. I can... I'll just...Copy !req
632. I'll... I will, uh...Copy !req
633. We'll do my laughter
at my own jokes.Copy !req
634. Noam Chomksy.Copy !req
635. Get a load of this guy.Copy !req
636. Is what would be on the DVD.Copy !req
637. That would be really cool,
wouldn't it?Copy !req
638. I'd like to do a few charactersCopy !req
639. that I've been working on
for a long time.Copy !req
640. Uh, this first character...Copy !req
641. Sir, do you...?Copy !req
642. Do you mind if I...?Copy !req
643. This, uh, first character
I've been working on...Copy !req
644. I bought...Copy !req
645. I-I stabbed myself
in the eye with it.Copy !req
646. Is anyone taking fucking notes?Copy !req
647. The names of the DVDs,
the editing thing.Copy !req
648. The...Copy !req
649. You know you suckCopy !req
650. when the camera guys
don't laugh at all.Copy !req
651. There's got to be somethingCopy !req
652. you may...
you may laugh at, right?Copy !req
653. Do you like racial humor?Copy !req
654. Is there any...?Copy !req
655. There's got to be something.Copy !req
656. Um... I want to combineCopy !req
657. the NAACPCopy !req
658. with Mother's Against
Drunk Driving.Copy !req
659. It's called...Copy !req
660. Mother's Against the
Advancement of Colored People.Copy !req
661. Fucking nothing!Copy !req
662. Oh, fine. Uh, is there
camping on the beach?Copy !req
663. - Yeah.
- Is that okay...?Copy !req
664. I can drive my van and
stay in the van type of thing?Copy !req
665. Yeah, if you don't
get stuck in the sand.Copy !req
666. Yeah, that's-that's what
we were just discussing.Copy !req
667. You get in soft sand, yes, sir,
you could get stuck.Copy !req
668. Gotcha.Copy !req
669. Oh, not too bad.Copy !req
670. Oh, shit. Here we go.Copy !req
671. Oh, I better coast through here.Copy !req
672. Whoo!Copy !req
673. Whoo!Copy !req
674. - Hello.
- Hi, sir.Copy !req
675. Uh, Ranger Kanin,
California State Parks.Copy !req
676. Reason why
I pulled you over is,Copy !req
677. uh, it's 15 miles per hour
on the beach.Copy !req
678. Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought it was 35.Copy !req
679. Yeah, no,
it's 15 miles per hour...Copy !req
680. Okay. Should I go down here?Copy !req
681. What was that?Copy !req
682. My friend Johnny
and I were comingCopy !req
683. out of the convenience store,Copy !req
684. and there was a guy in his truck
there by himself.Copy !req
685. He was in his truck by himself,Copy !req
686. and John and I were walkingCopy !req
687. out of this convenience store.Copy !req
688. And, uh, the guy rolls his
window down, by himself,Copy !req
689. and he leans out and he goes,Copy !req
690. "Two pussies."Copy !req
691. He's like, by himself, and
we started laughing so hard,Copy !req
692. and he got so pissed
that we were laughing.Copy !req
693. Two pussies.Copy !req
694. So fucking... How-How brave
of that young man to...Copy !req
695. "Two pussies."Copy !req
696. I wonder if there was, like,Copy !req
697. a lot more of us coming out,
like...Copy !req
698. "18 pussies."Copy !req
699. Like, I wonder what his high is.Copy !req
700. Like, what his...
The biggest he's gone.Copy !req
701. All right, um, now I'd like
to do a few charactersCopy !req
702. uh, um... that I have actually
been working on,Copy !req
703. not the stuff
that you heard earlier.Copy !req
704. That was terrible, but, um...Copy !req
705. This first character that I've
been working on for a while,Copy !req
706. is called, uh...
Carl, can I borrow your glasses?Copy !req
707. I thought you'd ask me
for the beer at first.Copy !req
708. Thank you very much.Copy !req
709. Carl, shut the fuck up.Copy !req
710. I've-I've moved on.Copy !req
711. I'm just...Copy !req
712. completely joking.
Jesus. Okay.Copy !req
713. This first character is called
"the pretentious illiterate."Copy !req
714. Here we go.
Pretentious illiterate.Copy !req
715. Uh, I told you,
I don't know how to read.Copy !req
716. This next character is called
"the forgetful vegan."Copy !req
717. Here we go. Forgetful vegan.Copy !req
718. Man, that sure was good
pepperoni pi—Copy !req
719. Oh, fuck!Copy !req
720. This next character is called
"the timid pimp,"Copy !req
721. and he's on the phone
with one of his hookers.Copy !req
722. The timid pimp.Copy !req
723. Hi, Amber?Copy !req
724. H-Hi. It's Mark.Copy !req
725. Yeah, I can hold.Copy !req
726. This next character is calledCopy !req
727. "the five-year-old who complains
about having a beard."Copy !req
728. "The five-year-old who
complains about having a beard."Copy !req
729. I don't like having a beawd.
It huwts!Copy !req
730. My beawd huwts!Copy !req
731. This next character is called
"the effeminate gay-basher."Copy !req
732. Ah, that's good enough.Copy !req
733. I want to go back.Copy !req
734. Take me back
to the moment where you and ZachCopy !req
735. hear the Fugees song.Copy !req
736. Yeah?Copy !req
737. Tell me more.
Tell me what—Copy !req
738. You know how they say,
uh, you know, uh,Copy !req
739. smell is your number one
sensory memory?Copy !req
740. Well, it wasn't
just the Fugees song that...Copy !req
741. sets me off.
He's like...Copy !req
742. "Your car— your car
smells like Funyuns."Copy !req
743. And I'm like, "What? My dog?"Copy !req
744. 'Cause I named my dog FunyunsCopy !req
745. 'cause he likes to eat Funyuns
all the time.Copy !req
746. His name...Copy !req
747. He's like, "I didn't know
your dog's name was Funyuns."Copy !req
748. - Uh-huh.
- And I said,Copy !req
749. "Yeah, I named my dog Funyuns
'cause he eats FunyunsCopy !req
750. - all the time."
- Mm-hmm?Copy !req
751. He goes, "No, I was just
talking about Funyuns."Copy !req
752. So every time I feed my dog,
I think of Zach.Copy !req
753. That draws me in
more than any Fugees song.Copy !req
754. It's always Fugees and Funyuns.Copy !req
755. I'm part of this great
organization, um,Copy !req
756. that I just want
to talk about for a second,Copy !req
757. and then I'll get back
to the jokes.Copy !req
758. What we do is we
train homeless peopleCopy !req
759. to become assistant managers
at Banana Republic.Copy !req
760. It's a great organization,
except the name sucks.Copy !req
761. It's called "Homeless Bananas."Copy !req
762. Carl, give me a subject
to riff on,Copy !req
763. and let me see if I can do it.Copy !req
764. Just, uh,
something that's bugging youCopy !req
765. or something
you don't like, or...Copy !req
766. Besides me. Um...Copy !req
767. Something— something
along those linesCopy !req
768. that gets on your nerves or you
think is fodder for comedy.Copy !req
769. Um, how about President Bush?Copy !req
770. President Bush. Let's do that.Copy !req
771. Here we go.Copy !req
772. We have a president who said...Copy !req
773. "The French don't have
a word for entrepreneur."Copy !req
774. President Bush.
I hate him so ma... badly.Copy !req
775. Let me take it again.Copy !req
776. Pres...Copy !req
777. President Bush.Copy !req
778. I hate him so muchCopy !req
779. that I was shopping
for bumper stickers,Copy !req
780. and I found one—Copy !req
781. an anti-Bush thing—
and I had to put it overCopy !req
782. my "Single and lovin' it"
bumper sticker.Copy !req
783. But that's how much I hate Bush.Copy !req
784. How many minutes do you want me
to do on Bush?Copy !req
785. Just, like... I can do, like 15.Copy !req
786. A minute more.Copy !req
787. A minute more? Okay.
President Bush.Copy !req
788. My, uh...Copy !req
789. I come from
a political family, actually.Copy !req
790. I really do. Um...Copy !req
791. My, um, uncle NickCopy !req
792. ran against Jesse Helms
in North CarolinaCopy !req
793. in '72 and, uh...Copy !req
794. It's true.Copy !req
795. And, um...Copy !req
796. my uncle was winning,Copy !req
797. and then Jesse Helms came out
with this slogan—Copy !req
798. Nick Galifianakis
was my uncle's name—Copy !req
799. and Jesse Helms came out
with a slogan that said, uh,Copy !req
800. "Vote for Jesse.
He's one of us."Copy !req
801. Uh, meaning, he doesn't have
a freaky, long last name.Copy !req
802. And it turned the election,Copy !req
803. and, uh,
I hate... I hate the right.Copy !req
804. I hate them with a passion.Copy !req
805. Yeah.Copy !req
806. They're in front of you.Copy !req
807. You know,
it looks like it's aboutCopy !req
808. to fucking break apart
at any second.Copy !req
809. It's got too much oil in it.Copy !req
810. It'll calm down in a second.Copy !req
811. Come on, van.Copy !req
812. Please?Copy !req
813. Is it even turning over
at this point?Copy !req
814. I don't understand.Copy !req
815. It's just temperamental.Copy !req
816. I'm going to see
if I can trade inCopy !req
817. a couple of my jokes
to get him to fix it.Copy !req
818. Does he have a piano here?Copy !req
819. Growing up,
I was the only straight guyCopy !req
820. in an all-gay high school.Copy !req
821. And the kids would taunt me
and yell out things like,Copy !req
822. "Hey, Zach. Where you going?
To go get some pussy?"Copy !req
823. I hate to be gross, but the only
time it's good to yell out,Copy !req
824. "I have diarrhea!" is when
you're playing Scrabble.Copy !req
825. Because it's worth
a shitload of points.Copy !req
826. I MapQuested
my neighbor's house,Copy !req
827. and it just said,
"Stand up and turn around."Copy !req
828. That show, The Amazing Race—Copy !req
829. is that about white people?Copy !req
830. At what age do you tell
a highway it was adopted?Copy !req
831. I think around seven,
because they start thinking,Copy !req
832. "I don't look
like the Kiwanis Club."Copy !req
833. Guys, you know whenCopy !req
834. you're giving your girlfriend
oral pleasure,Copy !req
835. and you look up and she's
reading The Economist?Copy !req
836. My girlfriend looks a little bit
like Charlize TheronCopy !req
837. and a lot like Patrick Ewing.Copy !req
838. I think that sign
in neighborhoods,Copy !req
839. "Slow Children Playing"
is so mean.Copy !req
840. I went to my high school reunion
not too long ago,Copy !req
841. and, uh...Copy !req
842. it was... it was...
it was something else.Copy !req
843. It, um...Copy !req
844. Well, I was homeschooled.Copy !req
845. So it was just me
next to a bowl of punchCopy !req
846. listening to Kool & the Gang.Copy !req
847. And I couldn't believe
how fat I'd gotten.Copy !req
848. My brother has A.D.D.,
which is weirdCopy !req
849. because he drives a Ford Focus.Copy !req
850. I told my brother that joke
and he didn't laugh,Copy !req
851. because he got distracted
by a squirrel.Copy !req
852. Oh.Copy !req
853. I once put an Altoid
in my asshole.Copy !req
854. And... Oh, that's it.Copy !req
855. I hate celebrities,
all of them.Copy !req
856. I hate... I think
that's the poison...Copy !req
857. Carl, actually, that's
the other poison in this countryCopy !req
858. besides the Bush administration,
in my opinion...Copy !req
859. is the celebrity.Copy !req
860. I know the irony in saying that,Copy !req
861. when there are
five cameras on me.Copy !req
862. But somebody has
to get the message out.Copy !req
863. 'Cause who gives a fuck?Copy !req
864. Okay, I can't do that anymore.Copy !req
865. Fuck most celebrities.Copy !req
866. I almost got
fuckin' Kangaroo Jack.Copy !req
867. Almost.Copy !req
868. Goddamn it!Copy !req
869. If I'd got Kangaroo Jack,Copy !req
870. I wouldn't be singin'
to fuckin' bald Carl here!Copy !req
871. That would have been
my ticket out!Copy !req
872. No! Instead I got to sit here
and entertain you fucks!Copy !req
873. I think you're pretty funny.Copy !req
874. Well, these things
happen sometimes.Copy !req
875. What's it like...Copy !req
876. to come up with stuff like that?Copy !req
877. Great question.Copy !req
878. - I get this a lot.
- Uh-huh.Copy !req
879. And if you weren't so fat,
I would answer it.Copy !req
880. William, not funny.Copy !req
881. Yeah, William!
Why are you laughing at me?Copy !req
882. - Hey, fuck you! -Do you even
know who the fuck I am, William?Copy !req
883. - No, I don't. -Do you even
know who the fuck I am?Copy !req
884. - Yes! Let it go!
- So you'll just laugh at meCopy !req
885. because he makes a fat joke?Copy !req
886. Because you fuckin'
love his shit?Copy !req
887. You don't even know
who the fuck I am, William!Copy !req
888. So fuckin' shut up!Copy !req
889. Let's go to Speck's!Copy !req
890. Joe, that was
really good facting.Copy !req
891. So, tonight I thought
as a little, uh...Copy !req
892. if you'll just allow me
to be a little self-indulgent,Copy !req
893. um, I thought that what
I would do...Copy !req
894. is I would actually talk
about my-my childhood.Copy !req
895. And, uh, it's kind of
a performance piece,Copy !req
896. so, uh...Copy !req
897. uh, just, uh, sit back
and this is the end of the show.Copy !req
898. Thank you very much for coming.Copy !req
899. My name is Zach Galifianakis.Copy !req
900. Thank you very much
for coming out.Copy !req
901. Seth, thank you
for being so open with us...Copy !req
902. and spending all your time
with us this afternoon.Copy !req
903. I think we have
a better understandingCopy !req
904. about your twin brother.Copy !req
905. And I hope that you can sort of
mend the fence a little bit.Copy !req
906. - Maybe. Is that your hope?
- Yeah. I hope so, too.Copy !req
907. That's... my goal in all this.Copy !req
908. Hopefully, he'll see the tape
and the program, and he'll...Copy !req
909. he'll want
to come to his senses,Copy !req
910. and I'll meet him halfway.Copy !req
911. It doesn't look like
it's gonna happen, does it?Copy !req
912. I-I-I don't know.Copy !req
913. I think that this
kind of thing is, uh...Copy !req
914. you know, maybe this is...
he sees this as a reaching out.Copy !req
915. You know?Copy !req
916. Um... sometimes you
got to reach aroundCopy !req
917. and, you know, and tug at it.Copy !req
918. Mm-hmm.Copy !req