Yung Lean: In My Head (2020)

1. This fantasy, this dream, this vision, turned into this dark reality.

2. He was like a different person. I barely recognized him.

3. We have 30 seconds.

4. - I'm Santa Claus! - Are you Santa Claus?

5. Look into the camera, Jonatan.

6. Come here, Jonatan. Come to Daddy.

7. Repeat after me.

8. An artist.

9. - Say again, you're building a house? - Yes.

10. - What kind of house? - A Peter Pan house.

11. A Peter Pan house...

12. Here is Jonatan's table, with all his invention stuff

13. that he's been working on this whole week.

14. - I need tape. - Tape?

15. Happy new year!

16. Lights... sound... camera... action!

17. When I first met Jonatan, Micke and I had started hanging out.

18. Micke and I had been, like, Facebook friends.

19. There weren't that many people that I knew of,

20. or that he knew of, who were making music.

21. We were in the park and like, drink- ing beer and listening to a song.

22. Then Jonatan came and we started talking.

23. And he was like, "I rap." And we were like, "nice."

24. "We make beats." He was like, "Let's do something." OK.

25. He was fun to hang with.

26. And we liked the same stuff. We'd talk very in-depth

27. about everything related to hip hop. Just total hip hop geeks.

28. Anything from that to Anti Cimex and Shitlickers.

29. It was all interesting to us.

30. Me and Jonatan decided to get a mic. I'd come into some cash.

31. So we got a mic, and cleared out a room in his basement.

32. We just started playing around.

33. Young Mr Lean.

34. At first it was like, "I don't know about the sound of this."

35. But then you'd listen to it a few times and be like,

36. "It's pretty good."

37. In early 2013, you started seeing these...

38. videos on YouTube with this guy in a bucket hat...

39. who would basically freestyle over some dreamy beats.

40. I'd never heard anything like it in Sweden

41. but I knew of some US artists.

42. But there was something special about this guy and the esthetic.

43. I think it started with me emailing Yung Lean, Jonatan,

44. and asked him if he wanted to perform.

45. They'd never performed live before.

46. You're not gonna back out? You in?

47. - I dunno. - You in or what?

48. It was more or less sold out, like 300 people.

49. Unreal, given they'd released, like, three songs.

50. "I have no idea what this is"

51. "why we're doing it and why these people are here."

52. "They sing along, which is awesome."

53. "But, like, what the fuck is going on?"

54. Jonatan had done at least a couple interviews with Vice or Noisey.

55. We got lot of interview requests.

56. We felt the next step would be to step up

57. by shooting a well-made music video.

58. It turned out to be Kyoto.

59. When that dropped, that's when it really blew up.

60. The dream was to tour in the US and to record more music.

61. To get to the place that his lyrics were dreaming of.

62. Jonatan was a huge fan of Hippos in Tanks and the music they released.

63. We were going to check out the gig. We were all James Ferraro fans.

64. Barron had this thing about him. He'd walk into a room and own it.

65. Very energetic and motivated and interested.

66. We knew things were taking off when they got a Travis Scott feature,

67. were invited to record with Frank Ocean in London.

68. You could really sense this was going to be huge.

69. Jonatan! It's Travis. Get it.

70. And ja, må du leva...

71. - We should record for the video. - Pass it.

72. - You trying to film? - Mm...

73. - Here... - Someone has to stay with the blunt.

74. Seriously, this roof space is sick. Seriously, check out the view.

75. None of the guys had done this.

76. Me neither. I mean, I'd done clubs abroad before, but not on this level.

77. It became like a crash course in the live-music industry.

78. People wanting interviews at each new stop.

79. Kids wanting to get backstage.

80. Just, like, security in general.

81. But the sensation among the guys was unbelievable.

82. Everyone was psyched. We had almost the whole crew there.

83. It was a bigger tour. All the requests, all the possibilities.

84. Lots of partying.

85. I'm having a psychosis. I'm going to suffer a psychosis.

86. - Barrone, Barrone! - Hey!

87. I wouldn't turn down some Gulp.

88. He said just to drop it right in, right?

89. My gut never trusted Steven.

90. What I heard from day one was that he would act as a kind of...

91. legal guardian and guardian of the situation and possible scenarios.

92. But I soon found myself having to take on-

93. a big chunk of the responsibility as guardian of the whole situation.

94. Sad Boys tour, 2014.

95. Micke is having the time of his life.

96. He took all five Adderalls.

97. He shouldn't take any more drugs and just enjoy this trip.

98. Micke, you have a really nice trip ahead of you. I'm jealous.

99. If I could trade Xanax and cocaine...

100. and miscellaneous other drugs in exchange for my life, I would.

101. What I remember the most? I remember putting out fires.

102. That was my main job every day, back then.

103. I had to be their shrink. I had to be a kind of father figure.

104. And of course I had to be on top of all things

105. related to the live performance.

106. They were all used to partying. But not on that kind of scale.

107. It got to a point where some couldn't even get on stage.

108. And that got me both stressed, upset, and concerned.

109. But it's spinning so fast

110. you forget to take a step back, see the bigger picture.

111. This is insane. How are you doing? Get up, get up.

112. Some of us were maybe getting a bit unstable...

113. mentally.

114. Barron would talk a lot about energies.

115. He and Emilio were the first ones to listen to my weird ideas

116. and to actually think they were good ideas.

117. He'd say, "Lean, you're not Lean, you're Madonna."

118. "You're fucking Madonna, man."

119. I figured, maybe I am fucking Madonna.

120. If Barron thinks so, maybe I am. Guess I'll see myself that way.

121. I didn't see myself that way. He just had a positive spin on things.

122. Jonatan and I took a meeting, saying we'd make a new album in Stockholm.

123. So I was getting ready to chill out.

124. Because I was kind of feeling that things had kind of...

125. I just didn't enjoy it as much and wanted to do something else.

126. It seemed great to be in Sweden and record an album.

127. But we'd already planned to record an album in Miami.

128. Which I flat out refused to do.

129. So the others went and recorded Warlord

130. and I stayed home and slowed down.

131. We went to record in Miami, and that's when things took a turn.

132. That's when this fantasy, dream or vision

133. turned into a kind of dark reality...

134. pretty quickly.

135. My relationship with Barron was already pretty bad.

136. It felt like there was this constant power struggle between us

137. over getting the band to listen to you.

138. We still had good times. There were these ups and downs.

139. But I also noticed Jonatan was becoming more closed off and...

140. paranoid, almost.

141. I remember incidents of him talking weird.

142. Before gigs and stuff.

143. But after the gig, he'd be chill again.

144. My gut feeling was telling me something was off.

145. That what we were doing wasn't right.

146. I could also see that Axel couldn't do it anymore.

147. So my advice to everyone was to stop recording and touring.

148. And for everyone to go home.

149. Jonatan was set on finishing the project in the US first

150. and then going home.

151. I couldn't talk him into coming home with us.

152. So Axel and I flew home

153. while Jonatan and Benjamin stayed with Barron in Miami.

154. It's kind of a trauma, all the shit that happened over there.

155. I'd never been through anything like that.

156. I wasn't really prepared to handle it.

157. Whole days would go by and we didn't do or record anything.

158. Everything was just off. There were bad vibes.

159. Just five or six days after I got back

160. I started getting pretty alarming calls and texts

161. from Benjamin, mostly

162. saying they wanted to come home and that Jonatan wasn't doing great.

163. He couldn't tell reality from fantasy anymore.

164. He'd write weird contracts with the Devil.

165. He was starting to see everything in symbols.

166. Barron didn't realize he wasn't himself.

167. So he was trying to talk normally to him.

168. Jonatan was telling him he was seeing ghosts in the room and shit.

169. Barron was like, he just has a ghost inside of him, like, he's obsessed.

170. It'll be chill in a moment. Just wait it out. Just let him sleep.

171. Barron took off to buy something from the store.

172. Right when they leave, I hear Jonatan's door open

173. and he goes to the bathroom.

174. I approach the bathroom door

175. and get this weird vibe that something's wrong.

176. I was scared to open the door. When I opened it, he'd painted his face.

177. He was looking at himself in the mirror.

178. And he started, like, freaking out.

179. He broke a mirror and was, like, bleeding from his face.

180. You'd look in his eyes, and it wasn't the same person.

181. What am I gonna do, I thought. He's totally gone.

182. I can't deal with him on my own, I felt. So I called 911.

183. So they sent a cop car and an ambulance.

184. They put him on a stretcher and asked what had happened.

185. And I was like, he's having a psychosis or something.

186. And they were like, "No, what's he taken?"

187. They didn't believe it was a psychosis.

188. They thought he was high on meth.

189. I was like, "No, he's just been smoking."

190. I ride with him in the ambulance to the hospital.

191. I think they asked him if he was suicidal.

192. And he said yes. So they had to have him committed.

193. So they put him in a room and told me I had to leave.

194. So I took off and went back to the apartment.

195. Barron was still not back. I didn't have a key, so I was locked out.

196. So I sat and waited in the lobby for a long fucking time.

197. Barron should've never gotten in that car. When you get so fucked up...

198. What are friends there for? And why didn't they take Uber?

199. I went and picked him up from the airport,

200. along with his mom and dad and a psychologist.

201. And we took him back to his parents' place.

202. He was going to stay there temporarily.

203. He was like a totally different person.

204. I barely recognized him.

205. Extremely paranoid and worried all the time.

206. Maybe we should've been more concerned.

207. But he was such a creative force,

208. and of course we felt he should be allowed to express himself.

209. Of course he should be allowed room to make his art and his music.

210. And however concerned we might have been,

211. we could never have stopped Jonatan.

212. My gut feeling told me something was wrong.

213. I told my mom and my sister, "Someone's dead."

214. "Who is dead?"

215. And then I heard it was Barron who was dead, and I just broke down.

216. They didn't tell me for two months.

217. For two months, I didn't know he was dead.

218. He really was a wonderful person.

219. Now I'm just trying to forget.

220. While staying at Steven's, I read up a bunch on Chinese zodiac signs.

221. That's when I learned I was a Fire Rat.

222. At the time, I was totally convinced that it was all a game.

223. And that someone was playing with my brain

224. making all the scary things appear.

225. I was having a psychosis. I didn't understand a thing.

226. Once I heard that Jonatan had suffered a psychosis and all that,

227. I think I just kind of shut off. Not very loyal of me.

228. That's what I did, so I very much distanced myself from all of it

229. during that entire spring and summer.

230. Everything was just a mess. I basically couldn't do anything.

231. Everyone was super worried. Like, will he ever make music again?

232. Will he ever be able to perform again? Is it all over?

233. Everyone was waiting for more.

234. He didn't want to talk music this whole time.

235. That's when I felt, I need to find people who can help us sort this out.

236. Emilio called me and wanted to go for a walk.

237. On this walk, he told me everything that had happened to them in the US.

238. I didn't know just how bad it was when I got involved in it.

239. Steven had lost his son, which was awful.

240. But that didn't make it OK for him

241. to accuse people of stuff the way he did.

242. That was really hard.

243. Also, finances were a total mess.

244. No contracts written, and so on.

245. Steven was the adult everyone thought had a handle on that.

246. We ended up in a legal battle with him.

247. But our only concern was that Jonatan would get better.

248. We soon realized a lot of management work was required.

249. But it all had to be financed somehow.

250. So we started looking for partners

251. for releasing the next Yung Lean project.

252. While Jonatan was getting better. We started outlining a new set-up.

253. Kind of back to square one.

254. Benjamin and I started running his social media accounts.

255. To keep them going.

256. So there wouldn't be as many questions

257. about what had happened to Yung Lean.

258. Jonatan was a bit unclear about... who was who.

259. Who is Jonatan and who is Yung Lean?

260. Who am I in this character? Am I this character?

261. Or am I not this character?

262. I didn't go, "Time to get straight and start making music again."

263. It was a constant battle to get back on the horse.

264. Jonatan Leandoer127 was something I think he needed to start

265. because Yung Lean was so emotionally charged for him.

266. So he needed to express himself, still through music,

267. but in a different way.

268. A lot darker, more honest and personal.

269. It was kind of a thought cleanse from that time.

270. A way of getting out what needed to get out.

271. To be able to start over.

272. It was important for us

273. to let Jonatan do his comeback at his own pace.

274. To let him decide when the time had come

275. to continue on his journey.

276. I remember we had an offer on the table

277. for Jonatan to go perform in Russia.

278. And it was a ridiculous sum of money, for right then.

279. He'd never been to Russia, so we were like...

280. "Maybe it would be good for him to get back in the saddle,"

281. "see how it feels?"

282. And before long, it all started falling apart again.

283. Something in my brain had started to come loose.

284. I was just sitting and laughing manically in front of the TV.

285. I started thinking of Alice in Wonderland:

286. "Follow the white rabbit."

287. Like, what do they want with me?

288. That's when things really took a turn toward crazy mania.

289. One moment I'd be on the floor, shaking,

290. the next I'd be on my feet, running around and dancing.

291. And I felt more and more intoxicated.

292. I hadn't been drinking or taking anything.

293. And then my parents took me to the psych ward.

294. Then it took me two months...

295. I was a convalescent for two months.

296. - Hey, how you doing? - It's all good.

297. - Good seeing you. - Likewise.

298. - I got some food from Gossip. - I was thinking of get some, too.

299. - I bet you will. - I just got my shiny, new debit card.

300. You got a new debit card? It's got one of those things on it?

301. It's perfect.

302. I got my business expense card. It's nice to have.

303. I want one of those, too. I gotta get on that.

304. You got your own business, right?

305. Yeah. But I still don't know what it is.

306. I know you can make deductions.

307. Say you wanted to grab a coffee with Adrian Lux or Avicii

308. or Martha Wainwright, you can expense and deduct that coffee.

309. - Just makes it easier. - Cool.

310. You know I'm gonna grab a shit-ton of coffees with Adrian Lux.

311. Like, an insane amount.

312. - Hello? - Anybody home?

313. I'd just be up at all hours, drawing a bunch.

314. I wasn't getting much sleep and just feeling creative.

315. But once I got there, I went crazy.

316. I took my clothes off and went, "Yes, take me! I need to be here!"

317. And I went, "I know this isn't a psychosis, I'm being manic."

318. "I know you're a doctor, and you're a doctor - I'm not psychotic."

319. They emptied my pockets of all sharp objects, like keys.

320. Then I was just a patient for three weeks. I liked Danderyd Hospital.

321. I fell back in love with ryecrisp and lasagna.

322. Have you been diagnosed yet?

323. I was in the Huddinge psych ward.

324. They said, "We're going to put you on lithium. You're bipolar."

325. It was like being admitted for a pap- er cut and learning you have cancer.

326. From what I heard, being manic isn't the worst part about being bipolar.

327. - It's being depressed. - That's what they're trying to stop.

328. When I was being manic, I was just super happy.

329. And then the depression came when I was in the hospital.

330. That's what I'm treated for every day. But I've been mad depressed.

331. Waking up every day, staying in bed, like,

332. how am I gonna deal with this day?

333. Once I'm up and having breakfast, I feel like I can have a good day.

334. Hi, Grandma!

335. - Hi Miriam, how are you? - You OK?

336. I called the doctor, got my new meds.

337. Great!

338. Chanterelles...

339. - This was so nice, Jonatan! Bravo! - So nice. Thank you!

340. - Thank you, Jonatan. Cheers, chef! - Cheers for Grandma.

341. He chose life, he chose health, he chose his friends, he chose art.

342. He said, drugs don't make you crea- tive. Creativity comes from within.

343. I think that was a crucial realization.

344. That drugs didn't fuel his creativity.

345. That he had that creative force within and that's what mattered.

346. Should it be slower?

347. No, that's perfect.

348. That force that Jonatan has always had,

349. it kind of exploded after his illness.

350. He used everything he'd been through, all of his emotions.

351. It was now allowed to flourish.

352. I remember coming to the hospital and told him, "Good news.

353. "You most likely have a disorder

354. "Nothing's happened. You have a disorder, you're bipolar."

355. And it was a great relief finding that out.

356. Because it gave us an answer as to why he'd been ill.

357. Then you can treat it, he can get medication and get it sorted.

358. It gave a sense of calm and security. It was a good thing.

359. It was also a scary thing,

360. knowing maybe this wouldn't be the last time this happened.

361. It's good to know it's a disorder.

362. But it's also scary to know it's for life.

363. Maybe for all of our lives.

364. I remember asking my grandma,

365. what's the most important thing in life?

366. I was sure she'd say, having a daughter or a family,

367. or to love or whatever.

368. But she said, "To evolve."

369. I was like, hm, well,

370. maybe you've worked too much in your life, Grandma.

371. Then I thought, OK, maybe not the most important, but it is important.

372. It happens naturally. If you do something more and more,

373. you can hear yourself evolving, you can see it. You get better.

374. Devoting my life to making other people happy,

375. or getting them to feel things they may not dare to feel otherwise.

376. That makes me pretty happy.

377. Through it all, a ton of people have been there from the start.

378. That wasn't planned. Sometimes it almost makes me cry.

379. I've been writing lyrics since I was a kid. Rap songs...

380. What was most interesting to me back then was my imagination, I guess.

381. It was like painting a picture, a film mixed in with beautiful words.

382. A horror film mixed with sci-fi. All of that meshed well with Yung Lean.

383. When you write that much, I mean, I'd write every day, all the time,

384. and every chance I'd get, I'd record something.

385. That fantasy world was much more fun,

386. way more fun than Jonatan.

387. I wasn't interested in rapping about...

388. I didn't feel an obligation to rap about the ordinary part of my life.

389. My ordinary self. I hated that part of myself, found it boring.

390. What I channeled through Yung Lean was the best of me, I thought.

391. My most interesting thoughts. The best part of me.

392. And I think I found more honesty in my imagination

393. than I would've in something that had happened to me,

394. or whatever happened yesterday, or how I was feeling.

395. I think I've focused more on that stuff later.

396. Trying to incorporate more ordinary life.

397. - Nice. Know any Död Mark? - No.

398. Me neither.

399. I'm so happy that AIK lost.

400. It kind of went to shit, but then it didn't.

401. He is an old soul in a young man's body.

402. Did you see the news? The naked man walking around?

403. - In the studio? - No, just a naked man.

404. He was like, handsome, and walking around naked with a grocery bag.

405. - That was a while ago. - Yeah.

406. But it was funny, because he wasn't drunk or being a pain in the ass.

407. He was just toned and handsome and walking around naked.

408. It was funny because they didn't know what to do, what to arrest him for.

409. It's a whole different ballgame if you're sexy.

410. Axel! Grub!

411. Come on!

412. Thank the frog god for being with us in spirit.

413. - Thank you, Micke, for the food. - Thanks.

414. Let's eat. Thank you.

415. I could go night swimming later.

416. Night swimming?

417. In the middle of the night, Axel and I will sneak out naked.

418. Seriously, go for an evening swim. How about it, Axel?

419. Barron's death was awful. Any one of us could have died.

420. We could have died on that tour or after, 100 percent.

421. But we rose from those ashes. That's a beautiful thing.

422. What do you think, Axel?

423. - What do you think, Axel? - For Axel there are no good times.

424. Things were a bit more exciting back then, I guess.

425. Sure...

426. But I don't give it much thought now.

427. Well, that type of excitement has its upside and its downside.

428. I've probably seen, heard and experienced everything I need to

429. in that department.

430. I'm pretty done with all that.

431. We've had moments of someone being up on a roof,

432. or someone sitting with a knife and a ton of coke, we've been through that.

433. We don't need to do the teenage, rock star thing anymore.

434. Now it's cool to do it professionally and finding new worlds in the studio.

435. That's the fun part, I think we'd all agree.

436. People are fucking wasted. It's ridiculous.

437. It's like a Finnish cruise ship, slash frat party.

438. I'm ready.

439. You wanna go on with Nino or chill for a bit?

440. Me and Viggo need to finish this game.

441. Nino, keep that trap going.

442. - Is Micke awake? - No idea.

443. I haven't seen him in a good while.

444. Jonatan's health is always the most important thing.

445. He could do 40 gigs throughout Europe.

446. And he could do 60 gigs in the US.

447. But we can't do it that way.

448. Jonatan can do three consecutive gigs.

449. Then he needs one or two days off, then he can do another three.

450. In the beginning, Yung Lean was a character I wanted to escape to.

451. He was a more interesting character than Jonatan.

452. An alter ego that was more out there.

453. He could do things Jonatan couldn't do.

454. Yung Lean was a character that ended up growing together with Jonatan.

455. Now, my lyrics are drawn just as much from real life

456. as they are from what the character Yung Lean would say.

457. - Micke! What's happening? - Beer!

458. - Grab one for me! - Micke!

459. If you find a non-alcoholic one, grab one for me!

460. This is the worst part.

461. The intro. The moment just before going on.

462. Horrible!

463. Now that I'm not wasted, I do get nervous.

464. Right before going on, you feel this is the worst feeling.

465. You get butterflies in your belly. And you feel so vulnerable.

466. But once you get on stage, it all goes away in a second.

467. Before, I'd numb those feelings with drugs and alcohol.

468. Not anymore. Now I have to face the fears.

469. I feel like I'm just starting out.

470. I feel like I have a ton of unwritten songs that need to get written.

471. So many dreams I've never even been close to realizing.

472. All I've been through, all I've seen and been inspired by,

473. I've come to realize what's me and what isn't me.

474. And the stuff that's me, I only want to get better at.

475. I just want to be truer to myself.

476. Less afraid of what I might be able to accomplish.

477. Dare to act on dreaming big.

478. And not having to compromise with what I live for.

479. Mario Bernengo