Yes Man (2008)

1. No.

2. No means no.

3. Bonjour.

4. Carl, I know it's you.

5. Oh. Hey, man.

6. I was just about to call you. That's so weird.

7. Had your number dialed, was about to press "send."

8. Did you block your number?

9. Yeah, I did. You never answer when I don't.

10. So, what are you doing?

11. Oh, just hanging out in my apartment.

12. - You did get my text, right? - What? Text? What?

13. We're all going out tonight.

14. Man, that sounds great. I wish I could join you.

15. I'm just so jammed up.

16. I'm totally off the grid, you know?

17. No, I don't at all.

18. I got a bunch of stuff going on. There's this thing I gotta do.

19. Any other night would've been great. Darn it to heck.

20. Thing? What thing?

21. Thing, you know, just a thing.

22. If I had my thing in front of me, I could tell you what it is...

23. but I know there's a thing. - A thing.

24. I don't think there's anything written down in your fake calendar.

25. No, it says specific things.

26. Specific things. Like "get in line at the video store"?

27. What? What are you talking about?

28. I'm not at the video store. I'm in my apartment.

29. I can see you, Carl. I'm outside the video store.

30. - That's not me. - It's not?

31. Oh, I know what's happening. There is this guy who looks just like me...

32. who goes to a lot of the same stores I do.

33. That's probably who you're seeing.

34. Wow, that's amazing...

35. because his mouth is moving in sync with what you're saying.

36. Carl, I know you're not saying anything.

37. Carl, get outside. I know you're not talking.

38. - What? All right. - Carl.

39. Look who's here. - Hey. You.

40. Hi.

41. I don't believe it. - Rooney.

42. Carl Allen. Never thought I'd see the day, my man.

43. Hey. - Thought you hung up the spurs, cowboy.

44. No, I just got a lot of stuff going on...

45. some things I gotta do, issues pending, keep me pretty busy.

46. Yeah? Oh, I hear you, player.

47. So we are really excited for you to be here, Carl...

48. because we have an announcement to make.

49. Honey, show him.

50. There it is. Deal with it.

51. We're engaged.

52. - Oh, my God. Come on. - Right?

53. Big step, huh? - Yeah, it's a big step. It's a huge one.

54. Man. Moving fast. That's okay.

55. What has it been, six months?

56. - No. - Two years.

57. Oh, yeah. That's about right, then.

58. So anyway, we're gonna have an engagement party on the 21 st. Open bar.

59. Oh, you bastard. Always knows how to get me.

60. Nice. Carl, does that work for you?

61. - Yeah, we'll figure it out. - What's there to figure out?

62. Oh, God, look who's here.

63. I'm not falling for that, Carl. What's to figure out?

64. - Open bar. What's the problem? - I'm serious. Stephanie's at the bar.

65. - The Stephanie? - Yes, my ex-wife. She's at the bar.

66. Oh, God, that is Stephanie.

67. - Looks like she's with someone there too. - They seem to be thriving. Good for her.

68. They're touching each other's genitals. Isn't that amazing?

69. I'm so glad I came out. Love it. Okay, you know what? I gotta go.

70. - No. No. Carl, you're gonna stay. - What?

71. It's been years. You leave every time she comes.

72. Totally unrelated. It has nothing to do with Stephanie.

73. Carl. Peter.

74. - Rooney. - Stephanie, guys.

75. Hey.

76. - My boyfriend, Ted. - Hey.

77. - I don't believe we... - No, I don't believe we have.

78. - You're leaving? - Yeah, unfortunately.

79. Terrible timing too, because you just got here.

80. You just got here, too, Carl.

81. Yeah, but he's got a thing.

82. Yeah, that's a thing. There's a thing, and there's no time.

83. There's a time crunch, and time is of the essence.

84. Anyway, I am gone-orrhea.

85. Wow. That didn't sound quite right. Oh, well.

86. Whoa!

87. See you, guys.

88. - Oh! Hi, Tillie. - Morning, Carl.

89. Would you like to come over for a little breakfast?

90. Gee, that sounds great, but I can't.

91. - Some cereal, a little yogurt? - Yeah, no.

92. How about some toast, huh?

93. You know, I have to go to work, but thanks.

94. Good show tonight. Come check us out.

95. Your loss. Hey, man, wanna rock out tonight?

96. - Oh, it's you. Let me guess, no? - Yep.

97. - Yes? - No, I meant yes to your no.

98. Yeah, bye.

99. Persianwifefinder.com. No, thank you.

100. Costume party. Yeah, no.

101. Oh, boy.

102. Here we go.

103. - Carl Allen has reported for duty. - I'm not a soldier, Norman.

104. You're a soldier on the front line of finance.

105. Norman. Line one.

106. Did you wanna get that? In the privacy of your office?

107. - I'll just get it here. - Yeah, or that.

108. You're with Norman.

109. Uh-huh. Are you sure? Because... Okay. Yep. Whatever you say.

110. Okay.

111. Remember that promotion we were talking about?

112. - Yeah. - It's not gonna happen.

113. Tried to fight for you on the phone there.

114. It was between you and Demko, and they went with Demko.

115. I don't care. I didn't really want the job badly.

116. I just figured after five years, I'd be the logical choice, but whatever.

117. Look at it this way: at least you didn't get shit-canned.

118. - Do you know what that means? - Fired?

119. How did you know what that meant? Have you heard me say that before?

120. No, it's a pretty common expression.

121. - In my circles. I made it up. - Well, it's catching on.

122. This'll cheer you up. I'm having a little get-together at my place.

123. - It's a funny hat and-or wig party. - Oh, man.

124. Sucks I'm gonna be out of town.

125. - You don't know what day it is. - When is it?

126. - Friday. - I'm out of town.

127. You spoke at the same time I did just then.

128. Like you were committed to saying what you were saying...

129. regardless of what I was gonna say. - Hm.

130. I admit, business has been slow.

131. There's a lot less demand for a small Rollerblade shop...

132. what with Big 5 and Sport Chalet...

133. but my designs are gonna revolutionize the roller industry.

134. I know that, Marv, but you have no equity.

135. - None. - And your credit...

136. Bad, but I don't wanna sound desperate.

137. - Yeah. - I have no other options left.

138. Carl. Hey. Long time no see.

139. Nick Lane? Hey.

140. - You don't still work at the bank, do you? - Yeah.

141. Kind of why I'm sitting outside here, eating my lunch, wearing the nametag.

142. You must be running this place by now.

143. I could have. Had a couple offers. Didn't wanna get tied down.

144. - How's Stephanie? - Good.

145. God.

146. She's good. What have you been doing?

147. I've been all over the map, man. I've lived.

148. I climbed Mount Kilimanjaro. I ate bat in Laos.

149. I shot a cow with a bazooka.

150. I'm not proud of that last one, but I did it, man.

151. - Sounds wild. - Wanna know my secret?

152. I'm a yes man.

153. The word "yes" has changed my life. Here.

154. No, thanks. I'm fine.

155. "Fine?" I wipe my ass with "fine."

156. Wow. Okay.

157. - You don't wanna work here, Carl. - Yeah, I do.

158. No, you don't.

159. Why don't you take this rock...

160. throw it at that bank and shatter the window?

161. - No, thanks. - Then ask me if I want to.

162. - Do you wanna throw that rock at the bank? - Yes.

163. Oh, my God.

164. - What are you, nuts? - Go to the seminar, Carl.

165. Stay right there.

166. He's gonna break. - Stop.

167. Carl, live your life! You won't regret it.

168. Whoo! - Hey, stop. Stop!

169. - I know you wanna see my band. - No.

170. Sorry.

171. Hello? - Stephanie?

172. - Carl. - Yeah, it's me.

173. Just felt like calling you. I was missing you, I guess. Weird, huh?

174. Yes, Carl. I have to go.

175. - Ted and I are taking a little boat ride. - Oh, that's great.

176. Good for you. Good for you.

177. Jesus, Pete. I'm not in or I'm busy.

178. Oh, come on. You're halfway through, just snap it off already.

179. - Pete? Hey. Where you been? - You not been getting my calls?

180. What? God, no. Oh, I totally lost my phone.

181. You're so full of shit.

182. - Here it is. - Yeah. There it is.

183. You know what, buddy? You missed my engagement party tonight.

184. Oh, no. Oh, shoot, you're kidding. That was tonight?

185. - Mm-hm. - I'm so sorry, man. I totally gapped it.

186. Listen, I'll make it up to you. I promise. I swear.

187. You pick the day. Any day you want, we'll go out, swashbuckle.

188. - What does that even mean? - I don't know.

189. This wasn't drinks at a bar, Carl. This was my engagement party.

190. - You only get married once. - I certainly wouldn't do it again.

191. I know, Carl. I know that Stephanie left you.

192. And I know that you have issues because of it, but this isn't about you. It's about me.

193. When's the last time you did anything fun? You always make excuses.

194. "I don't wanna commit. I don't wanna be tied down."

195. I mean, do you even know my fiancιe's last name?

196. Yeah. Fisher. Fishman.

197. - Wait. Fishwall? - Fishwall?

198. - You think her name's Lucy Fishwall? - No? That's wrong?

199. - It's Burns. - Burns?

200. It's Lucy Burns, Carl.

201. And guess what? She doesn't like my best friend.

202. I keep trying to think of reasons why she should, but you know what?

203. - I can't think of any. - Pete, I...

204. I don't wanna hear another excuse, Carl. You do whatever you want.

205. I'm telling you, you don't change your life, you're gonna end up lonely.

206. A lonely guy, Carl. Lonely guy.

207. Hey, Carl.

208. Hey, Rooney, come here for a second.

209. Carl look a little odd to you? Is it me, or does it look like he's kind of dead?

210. Nope. No more than usual.

211. I don't know. I'm kind of leaning towards thinking he might actually be dead.

212. I guess I never saw him a lot, so it's hard for me to tell the difference.

213. Yeah, that's true.

214. He never did much.

215. - Wasn't a good friend. - Nope.

216. Wasn't a good anything.

217. - Are there more beers in the fridge? - Sorry, last one.

218. Now, that's upsetting.

219. What was that?

220. Welcome to yes. We are about to begin.

221. Please, find a seat.

222. Carl? Hey, Carl! Psst!

223. Carl, man, hey.

224. - Carl. - Hey, Nick.

225. - You made it, man. - Did you wanna...

226. Sure, let me sit down. I knew you'd come.

227. I saw it in your eyes, man. You're gonna love this. Terrence is a genius.

228. He's gonna blow your mind all over the room. He's like a mind grenade.

229. - I'm not sure I want that. - Yeah, but you need it.

230. That's why you're here.

231. You have got to start saying yes, my man, and I mean to everything.

232. It's starting.

233. Life.

234. We are all living it. Or are we?

235. Ooh, heavy.

236. Change is generated from consciousness, but where is consciousness generated from?

237. From the external.

238. And how do we control the external? With one word.

239. And what is that word?

240. Yes! - Jeez.

241. Yes.

242. Yes.

243. Yes, yes, yes! - Yes. Yes!

244. Yes! - Whoo!

245. The word is "yes."

246. Yes, yes, yes.

247. - Say it a million times. - Yes.

248. Say it a million more times.

249. And the word you will have said 2 million times is:

250. Yes!

251. Yes.

252. I want you to invite yes into your lives...

253. because it will RSVP "yes."

254. When you say yes to things, you embrace the possible.

255. You gobble up all of life's energies, and you excrete the waste.

256. Before we begin today, I'd like to welcome our new members.

257. - Who among you is new? - He is. This guy right here. He's new.

258. - Over here. - Please don't. Jesus.

259. - Come on up, future yes man. - That's okay, I'm just auditing.

260. You can't audit life, my friend. Now get on up here.

261. - No, thanks. I'm cool. - I'm sorry? What was that you said?

262. - I said, I'm cool. - Before that.

263. Thank you.

264. Back up just a little bit more.

265. - No. - No man. No man.

266. No man. No man. No man.

267. No man. No man.

268. Okay.

269. If the molehill won't come to Terrence...

270. Terrence will come to the molehill.

271. What's your name?

272. Carl.

273. Let me guess, Carl.

274. Someone talked you into coming here today, didn't they?

275. - Yes. - Yes!

276. And you're not sure about this, are you?

277. No.

278. No man. No man. No man. No man.

279. You're dead, Carl.

280. You say no to life, and therefore you're not living.

281. You make up excuses to the people around you...

282. and to yourself.

283. You're stuck in the same dead-end job. You have been for years.

284. You don't have a girlfriend. You don't have anything close to a girlfriend.

285. And you lost the love of your life...

286. because she couldn't be with someone who didn't live theirs.

287. And on most nights you're so bored and filled with ennui...

288. you can't even summon the enthusiasm necessary to masturbate.

289. Am I right, Carl?

290. I have had some trouble.

291. - We're gonna make a covenant, Carl. - Yes.

292. - Do you want to make a covenant? - Ugh...

293. The word is "yes," Carl.

294. Yes! - Yes.

295. Yes! - Yes.

296. Yes!

297. Once you leave this building...

298. every time an opportunity presents itself...

299. no matter what it is...

300. you will say yes.

301. Yes. - Yes!

302. Yes. - Yes!

303. Yes. - Yes.

304. What if I...

305. say...

306. the other word?

307. You'll be making a promise to yourself.

308. And when you break a promise to yourself...

309. things can get a little dicey.

310. What do you say, Carl?

311. Are you ready to make a covenant?

312. Come on, Carl. - Yes.

313. Yes. - Yes.

314. Yes. - Again.

315. - Yes. - Yes.

316. - Say it again. - Yes!

317. - Make me believe it. - Yes, yes, yes.

318. Yes!

319. Hey, there he is.

320. - That was really wonderful. - Thank you.

321. Pretty powerful stuff, huh?

322. - Hey. Good to have you with us. - Yes.

323. - So are you gonna do it? - I don't know. Maybe.

324. That's weird. I didn't realize we just stepped out of a "maybe" seminar.

325. Hey, man. That's a nice car.

326. Could you drive me to Elysian Park?

327. Oh. Ugh...

328. Yes!

329. Sure he can. Right, Carl?

330. Yeah, why not?

331. Yes. You won't regret this, Carl.

332. - Can I use your phone? - Go, man, go.

333. Keep going or this'll do, because it doesn't really matter?

334. Yeah, hold on a sec, I can't hear myself think.

335. It's just a little further, man. Just right up the hill there.

336. Go ahead.

337. And what did you say?

338. Oh, I'm just right over here. Okay. Yeah.

339. What? Hello? Hello?

340. Oh, shit, man. Your battery's dead.

341. Oh, great.

342. - Thanks. - Well, gracias, amigo.

343. I mean, it's real nice of you to give me a ride. Most people just say no.

344. Course, I have been having a lot of luck lately outside of that hotel.

345. No problem. Have a good night.

346. Can I borrow a couple bucks?

347. Okay.

348. I've come this far.

349. Yes, you can.

350. You got a whole lot there. Can I have it all?

351. Sure. It's all yours.

352. God bless you, man.

353. Oh, come on.

354. Come on, come on.

355. Perfect.

356. Hey, Carl. Do you wanna give all your money away to a homeless guy?

357. Yes, yes, I do.

358. Letting him burn out your phone...

359. so you can't call AAA when you run out of gas?

360. That sounds like a fucking great idea!

361. Why don't you take a stroll through the hills...

362. and get killed by the Manson family? Don't mind if I do.

363. Come on, man.

364. Yes. Since that's my only fucking option.

365. Would you like to carry a 20-pound container of gas up a giant hill to your car?

366. Oh, could I? Could I really?

367. That's a good look.

368. - Hi. Did you just take my picture? - Maybe.

369. Did you just run out of gas?

370. Maybe.

371. That sucks. That happened to me last week.

372. When you were driving out of your way...

373. to drop off a homeless guy who wore out your battery so you couldn't call AAA?

374. No. I take it that's what happened to you.

375. No. Why would you assume that?

376. He used up your phone?

377. Yeah. Apparently he was the most popular homeless man on the planet.

378. He was staying connected. It was good to see.

379. I'm just glad that I could be a part of it, really.

380. - That must feel good. - Oh, truly, truly.

381. Yeah. And I'm getting some exercise, which is cool.

382. Well, do you need a ride?

383. On that thing?

384. Am I going too fast for you?

385. No. In fact, I think you should go faster.

386. That way if we crash, at least I'll die.

387. I just don't wanna be kept alive artificially.

388. - What are you doing? - I'm taking a picture. Smile.

389. - I can't see. I'm blind. - Me too. Isn't it great? Whoo!

390. Yeah, that's getting it good. Yep.

391. - Well, thanks again for the ride. - No problem.

392. Hopefully the color will return to your face sometime soon.

393. - I'm more of a four-wheel kind of guy. - Really?

394. I never would've guessed that. You seemed so at ease on two.

395. - Can I have my helmet back now? - I'm still wearing it, aren't I?

396. Yeah.

397. Thanks.

398. So you okay?

399. Yeah, I'm good, unless you wanna stick around and make out.

400. - What? - What did you say?

401. Hey, I...

402. Have a good night.

403. Yes.

404. "Yes always leads to something good.

405. Never avoid opportunities.

406. They may come in any form."

407. - Hello? - Carl, it's your buddy Norman.

408. Well, and your boss, but more your buddy than your boss, right?

409. I guess.

410. So look, we're kind of short on Saturday staff.

411. Is there any way you could come in?

412. Sure.

413. Nothing I like better than the inside of a bank on a beautiful Saturday.

414. Yeah. Yeah, there really is something magical about this place.

415. Would I like to increase the size of my penis?

416. Right.

417. Like I need that.

418. - Persian wifefinder. - Hi there. I am Faranoush.

419. Would you be the man for me?

420. I guess so.

421. Excuse me. I'd like to apply for a small-business loan.

422. And what's your business?

423. I bake cakes in the shape of different celebrities' faces.

424. - Oh, wow, Mickey Rourke. - No. It's Bono.

425. Oh. Yeah, right.

426. Let's hope it doesn't taste like Mickey Rourke.

427. So, what do you think?

428. I think yes.

429. Inta-maresting.

430. Cakes, huh?

431. Yeah. I just kind of went with my gut on it, Norm.

432. - You called me Norm. - Yeah.

433. - Could that, like, be my nickname? - Yeah. I guess.

434. Oh, nice. I like your style. Car. That could be yours.

435. Yeah. Carl's pretty short already, but...

436. But it's the kind of dazzle we need around here.

437. - Yeah. - And you know what I did?

438. What?

439. That Demko thing really chapped my ass. I marched upstairs and I told the big guns:

440. "Carl gets promoted in lieu of Demko, or along with Demko...

441. whichever, or I walk."

442. Really? What did they say?

443. Well, they were quite attracted to the me walking option, you know, for a moment.

444. - But then I threw that off the table. - Good move.

445. And they said if you started to show some initiative, I could promote you.

446. And?

447. - Well, you're doing it. - Yeah?

448. - Yeah, the whole cake thing. - Yeah.

449. - You're making up nicknames. - Okay.

450. Know what? I called Demko this morning...

451. to ask if he could work, and know what he said?

452. - No. - How did you know that?

453. He's not here.

454. - Yeah, but you are, Car. - Yeah.

455. And that's why I'm gonna give the job to you.

456. Norm, that's amazing. Oh, my God. Thank you.

457. Nice little raise in it for you too. Bump up your salary to 65.

458. - Thousand? - Of course, thousand.

459. Come on, let's step this thing up a notch, Broseph.

460. See what I did there?

461. I joined "bro" with "Joseph." Broseph. Pretty cool, huh?

462. Very cool, Norm.

463. I have been such a dick and a douche.

464. More of a douche than a dick, probably...

465. but I'm sorry. I should have been there. I mean, really.

466. - You're preaching to the choir, Carl. - I'm telling you, man, things are different.

467. Okay. Wait, so wait. You have to say yes to everything?

468. Yeah, exactly. It's like you said: I wasn't open to stuff, and now I am...

469. and things are changing for me. It's like the era of yes has begun.

470. All right. Look, gets you out of the house, I'm all for it.

471. Excuse me. Could we get another round of drinks?

472. And actually, we're gonna start a tab...

473. and our good friend here, Carl, will be taking care of it.

474. - Well, you're okay with that, right, buddy? - Yes. Yes, I am.

475. Okay.

476. I should be prepping my case for Monday, but I cannot miss this.

477. Hey, you, another bump of hot sauce.

478. Boy, you guys are really into this yes thing.

479. Argh!

480. Okay, okay.

481. He did it.

482. Drinks on me.

483. Crazy, man.

484. Carl, that was so awesome.

485. - Okay. - Excuse me. Could I...

486. Absolutely.

487. I don't think that's what she was asking for, but all right.

488. Was I chewing gum before?

489. Hey. What do you think you're doing, asshole?

490. Easy, easy. It was a little misunderstanding, okay?

491. I'm just saying yes to life, homes. You gotta say yes to life.

492. I made a sacred "conevant."

493. That sounded naughty.

494. - I think you and I need to step outside. - No. God, no.

495. Okay, it's okay. I got this. I got this.

496. Okay. But if I win...

497. I get to take that pretty girl of yours to a ball...

498. because she deserves that.

499. Every pretty girl deserves to go to a ball.

500. That is so nice.

501. Oh, shit.

502. All right. He punched me right in the face, man.

503. - Don't worry. I got your back. - You don't have anybody's.

504. I'm sorry, man. It's all our fault.

505. - I haven't fighted in a fight since grade 7. - I know.

506. Hey. Are we gonna fight or what?

507. Yeah, we're gonna fight. We're gonna fight, all right. Okay?

508. You want some, huh, more?

509. Because I am open for business, okay? Oh, where'd I go?

510. Oh, where'd I go?

511. Yeah, how do you fight what you can't see?

512. Did you see The Legend of Billy Jack?

513. Because I'm gonna take this foot...

514. and I'm gonna whop you on that side of your face...

515. and there's not a goddamn thing you can do about it.

516. Just don't break my teeth off on the curb, okay?

517. But let's really sell this. Give them a show.

518. What?

519. First, we have to establish the ground rules.

520. And the ground rules are there are no ground rules.

521. Idiot. I'm the wrong guy.

522. Well, maybe you need to start being the right guy.

523. That's why you got punched out...

524. because you got the wrong attitude right out of the gate.

525. I'm over here, dickhole.

526. Oh, my God. That's so funny.

527. You're a complete...

528. You all right?

529. I almost blocked it. Didn't get there in time.

530. Okay, we're done. We've been drinking.

531. - He's really been drinking. - Seriously, man.

532. I'm glad we had this experience.

533. - I think we both grew from it. Call me. - You asshole.

534. We really did. - Yeah. We did, bud.

535. She's never gonna go to a ball.

536. No. No, she's not.

537. - Okay. Tillie, there you are. - Hi, Carl.

538. What can I do for you?

539. Well, I was wondering if you could help me put up some shelves.

540. Oh, really?

541. Okay. That should just about do it.

542. - I'll see you later, Tillie. - That was wonderful, Carl.

543. Oh, not so fast.

544. What are you doing?

545. - Oh, darn, I forgot to go to the bank. - Oh, that's okay.

546. I'm getting so forgetful.

547. - It happens with age. - Don't worry about it.

548. I am gonna have to repay you somehow.

549. Oh, just doing a favor for a neighbor is good enough for me.

550. You are so handsome.

551. How come I never see you with a girl over there?

552. Well, I'm just... I'm not in a serious thing, but I am dating.

553. - Would you like a release? - I'm sorry?

554. You know, a sexual release?

555. Uh...

556. - What do I do here? - Oh, you don't have to do anything, Carl.

557. You just lay back and I will take care of everything.

558. I don't know what to say here. I'm stumped. I'm baffled.

559. I don't know if I'm gonna be able to say yes to this one, Till.

560. - Oh, come on. - But thanks for the offer and the image.

561. And I've got this thing I gotta do, so I'll be seeing you.

562. In my nightmares.

563. Oh, come on, give me a break.

564. Terrence said this would happen if I said no. That's ridiculous.

565. Get out of there. If I wanna say no, I'll say no!

566. Nice dog.

567. Just relax. I'll handle this.

568. Oh, God!

569. Oh, God! Oh, no. Oh, my...

570. Wow.

571. That... Oh...

572. That is a...

573. How are you doing that? Ay!

574. "Costume party. Come as your favorite Harry Potter character."

575. You got it, Norm.

576. Hi.

577. Really? I've always wanted to try it. Yeah.

578. So I can expect delivery anytime between 8 a.m. And 5:30?

579. Hello. Wondering if you had a moment...

580. to discuss the Church of Jesus Christ. - Yeah, come on in.

581. - Buttercup Girls. - Buttercup Girls.

582. Yeah. All right.

583. Hey. It's really working. Ah!

584. It's beautiful, man. It's beautiful.

585. I do wanna take guitar lessons. I do wanna learn how to fly.

586. Yes, I would like to learn Korean.

587. I would understand

588. All right, now I got it.

589. Whoa.

590. What did he call me?

591. Homeless.

592. Come and get it.

593. There you are. You want some?

594. He never listens.

595. Yeah.

596. I wanna start an organic-fertilizer distribution business.

597. Next.

598. - Wanna see a... Oh, sorry. - You know what? I'd love to.

599. Way to stick in there.

600. There you go.

601. Hey. I came.

602. Great.

603. Yeah.

604. Rolling Rock, please.

605. From the dawn of time... - In the netherworld.

606. There was a band.

607. Oh, yes, there was.

608. And we were that band.

609. Yes, we were.

610. And that band made rock 'n' roll.

611. Oh, yes, they did.

612. And that band ate arame and other sea vegetables.

613. Yeah.

614. And that band was rad.

615. Hello, Jake, Penelope, Rodrigo, Phillip, Zachary.

616. - We are Munchausen by Proxy. - You're kidding me.

617. I should have been the one To break up with you

618. You said, "Who are you?"

619. Who are you?

620. I wanna snap your neck and spit on you You said, "Who are you?"

621. Who are you?

622. If I got a call that said you were dead You said, "Who are you?"

623. Who are you?

624. I'd shrug my shoulders, and I'd say whatevs You said, "Who are you?"

625. Who are you?

626. Hey, did you ever meet my friend Ian? He's a computer hacker.

627. He helped me erase your MySpace page.

628. And your band's MySpace page. And your Facebook page.

629. Happy networking, asshole.

630. Don't call me past 11 p.m. It won't happen again

631. Happened once, it happened twice

632. It happened three times, Maybe four times, maybe five times, maybe

633. Maybe it happened six times But it won't happen a seventh time

634. No, no, no, no

635. I'm not your late night booty call

636. Whore no more

637. Don't call me past 11 p.m. It won't happen again

638. You can call me at 10:59

639. But don't call me at 11 'Cause that's my rule now

640. Can I get a water?

641. Hey. Out-of-gas make-out guy.

642. Did we make out? Oh, right, we did. Now I remember.

643. - What are you doing here? - I know. Is this crazy or what?

644. - It's so crazy. - Yeah.

645. - Are you stalking me? - No. I would never do that.

646. By the way, your new living-room furniture looks great from the yard.

647. - Hey, great gig or whatever, you know. - Thanks.

648. Yeah. Strong lyrics. You just make that stuff up?

649. - It comes from personal experience. - Cool.

650. You want a drink?

651. Oh, I can't. I have to wake up early.

652. - So I have to go, but... - Oh, really?

653. But you can walk me to my scooter.

654. I teach a jogging photo group...

655. for people who want to both exercise and practice photography.

656. Oh, yeah, that's getting very popular now.

657. It's in Griffith Park and we do a loop. It's about five miles.

658. It's at 6 a.m.

659. Wow. I haven't been up at 6 a.m. in, like, never.

660. - That's early. - Yeah, but it makes for amazing pictures.

661. Okay, so you're in a band...

662. you do the jogging photography, what else?

663. Whatever I want.

664. I volunteer at a shelter. I paint a little bit.

665. Yeah, that's cool. I've done some charity work.

666. And some nude modeling, FYI.

667. Good to know, if, you know, if I ever need to...

668. So anyway, my answer is yes. I'd be happy to go out with you.

669. I didn't ask you out.

670. Could have fooled me with that modeling comment.

671. You said that.

672. Well, whoever said it, it made me very uncomfortable.

673. Hey, why don't you come to my class tomorrow?

674. Why don't you stop smothering me? Seriously. It's way too much too soon.

675. Yeah, I'd love to.

676. Okay. I'll see you tomorrow...

677. - Carl. - Allison.

678. Yeah, Rooney?

679. Yo, Carl, hitting the clubs.

680. Got a case of Red Bull. Gonna pull an all-nighter. You down?

681. Yeah.

682. Okay, guys, everybody ready? Cameras loaded?

683. - Allison? - Yeah?

684. Do we need to use a flash?

685. Not when the sun's up, Reggie.

686. Beautiful night, guys. You take it to the limit, and I respect that.

687. Hit me on the cell this week. Let's do it again.

688. Carl, if somebody asked me to describe tonight, I would just go, "Ow!"

689. Back at you, Roon. Lee, I hardly know you, but I feel comfortable.

690. Look how close I'm getting. Hey, Allison, it's me, Carl. I'm here.

691. Allison, I'm here.

692. Allison.

693. Hey. Who were those guys?

694. That's Rooney and my friend Lee. He's a nurse. I was making fun of him.

695. We hit a couple raves last night. It was totally off the hook.

696. - You seem a little hyper. - Had a couple Red Bulls.

697. Ever had Red Bull? I never had Red Bull. Had Red Bull last night. I like Red Bull.

698. I got a new necklace. Glows in the dark.

699. Can't really see it right now, unless you do this.

700. That's really something. Doesn't Red Bull make you crash pretty hard?

701. No, no, no. No, no. I don't think so. No.

702. No. Hey, after we jog, we should get a Red Bull.

703. You and I could get a Red Bull. We could share.

704. - Okay, that'd be fu... - Red Bull.

705. - That sounds... - Red Bull.

706. - I think I'd... - Red Bull.

707. - I'd really... - Red Bull.

708. Red Bull.

709. Okay. A lot of energy. I like it. Everybody, this is Carl.

710. - Carl, this is everybody. - Hey, everybody.

711. Come on. Let's get into shipshape.

712. Oh, it's a good one.

713. Hold that.

714. Got it.

715. Hey, Carl, you okay?

716. Hold it right there.

717. That's good.

718. I can't put my finger on you. You're kind of unpredictable.

719. Kind of mysterious.

720. You know, listen.

721. I like to keep it fresh. I like to live it up. I like to mix it up.

722. If that doesn't jive with you, we should end this.

723. I love that.

724. I don't know how people go through life with the same boring routine.

725. - Just shoot me. - I know. Right in the face.

726. Seriously, I dated this guy and I was astounded at how content he was...

727. just living his life in this closed-off little box.

728. I know. It's so frustrating. I just wanna grab these people and shake them.

729. Say, "Wake up, you. You're missing out on a little thing called life."

730. - That's so true. - Yeah.

731. So, what happened to closed-off-little-box boy?

732. It just didn't work out. It's a long story.

733. Yeah? Same story you were singing about last night?

734. Might be.

735. Closed-off-little-box boy, tender topic. Probe no further.

736. Okay, if you must know, we lived together.

737. I thought he was it, the one, or whatever.

738. And then surprise, he ended it, out of nowhere for no reason.

739. Gone, never saw him again.

740. Wow. That's rough. I'm sorry.

741. Next time you should warn me about the length of the story, though.

742. Kind of dragged on.

743. - I'll work on that. - Yeah, just trim the fat.

744. Ooh! Jeez. That was very healthy.

745. She's spontaneous. She's ballsy.

746. She has no clue what she's doing and she doesn't care.

747. She's the complete opposite of me.

748. Carl, could you please pass the Cholula?

749. Sure, Faranoush.

750. How did you two meet again?

751. Persianwifefinder.com. It's pretty cool. You should check it out.

752. - I'm engaged. - Oh, yeah.

753. Should you talk about Allison in front of Faranoush?

754. It's okay, man. We just met. She knows it's not exclusive.

755. - Besides, she's totally not my type. - I can hear you.

756. Sorry, Faranoush.

757. Anyway, I never would've met Allison if I hadn't said yes to the homeless guy.

758. You wouldn't be on a date with a strange woman.

759. - No offense, Faranoush. - None taken.

760. I didn't realize I was dealing with a no man.

761. No, I think it's great. Throw this away for me, will you?

762. - Hey, honey. - Hey.

763. - Lucy. Faranoush, Lucy. Lucy, Faranoush. - Hello.

764. So my friends are being really lame...

765. and nobody's offered to throw me a bridal shower.

766. Hey, I have an idea.

767. Carl, would you like to throw Lucy a bridal shower?

768. Yeah. Sure.

769. Why not? That'd be great. Yeah, I'd love that.

770. - Problem solved. - Yeah.

771. - Really? - Yeah.

772. Well, thanks, Carl.

773. Thanks, that's really sweet.

774. That's great. - That is sweet, Carl.

775. Thanks, Faranoush.

776. Oh, I forgot, I gotta pick up costumes for me and Allison.

777. Costumes for what?

778. Expelliarmus! Just kidding.

779. That's okay. I blocked it and deflected it back.

780. Oh. Kaching! Wow. Cool costume, my man.

781. The only one they had left was for toddlers.

782. This is Allison and her wand made from a sequoia.

783. - Hi. - You must be Norman.

784. Yes, nice to meet you. Thanks for coming. Come in.

785. Yeah, we've got, well, drinks, you know...

786. chips, dips...

787. and good people, just like you two.

788. - Thanks. - Pace yourselves.

789. It's gonna be a crazy night.

790. - Get in there, play the zone. - Come on.

791. - Good dip, huh, H. P? - Mm.

792. Got tons of it at Costco. You see, I've got an exclusive membership card.

793. And with that card, I get access to the whole place.

794. I can buy large quantities of anything at discount prices.

795. Can't anyone get one of those cards?

796. No, don't think so. But I can talk to someone, if you'd like.

797. - Yeah, put in a good word for us. - That would be great.

798. Feels strange to be going home, doesn't it?

799. "I'm not going home, not really."

800. Oh, bye.

801. Alrighty, gang. Who wants to watch Chamber of Secrets?

802. - Well, thanks for coming, guys. - So nice to meet you.

803. Good to meet you, too. Thank you. And hey.

804. That's right. Come in. I'll go in.

805. Keep your hand there like in a shake. The other hand goes around for a hug.

806. - Yeah. Tap it. - Thanks for walking me through that.

807. That's all right. - Bye.

808. Okay, guys, all aboard the Hogwarts Express.

809. Next stop, Azkaban.

810. Hey.

811. Do you wanna drive?

812. - Hey, you're getting better. - Yeah, not bad, huh?

813. Whoa. Yep, I got it.

814. I got an idea.

815. - We can't do this. - Why? You scared?

816. Hurry. Somebody's coming. And I think I see something. Hurry.

817. This is crazy. - I know, but it's great.

818. This is unreal.

819. I couldn't agree more.

820. Ooh

821. Ooh

822. Ooh

823. You know, I've never let anyone drive my scooter before.

824. I've never let anyone kiss me on the stage of the Hollywood Bowl before.

825. Good evening, Los Angeles.

826. Please welcome to the Hollywood Bowl Munchausen by Proxy.

827. I'm your biggest fan. Bang!

828. I killed her.

829. I'm a somebody.

830. I don't know about that.

831. - Come on, you gotta have creepy fans. - I don't think so.

832. - We don't have that much of a following. - What are you talking about?

833. Rodrigo and the guys at the bar. They can't be trusted.

834. There's me and my friends. That makes eight or nine very unstable people.

835. - How many people can this place even hold? - Like 17,000.

836. So each one of us invites 1800 of our closest friends.

837. No need. I know our music isn't that mainstream.

838. - What? - I love doing it.

839. It's like my photography.

840. I know there isn't that much demand for photographs...

841. taken while running, but...

842. I wasn't gonna say anything.

843. You know, who cares? The world's a playground.

844. You know that when you're a kid...

845. but somewhere along the way, everyone forgets it.

846. I love your music.

847. Anybody can take a photo standing still.

848. Hey. What are you doing? - Oh, shit.

849. - Stop. - Stopping.

850. - Come on, Carl, run. - Thanks.

851. - Wait right there. - You got it.

852. Down on the ground. - Whatever you say.

853. - Carl, what are you doing? Let's go. - All right. I can't please everyone.

854. Run!

855. Hello, everybody.

856. A little vitamin C. Keep your strength up. I will be right with you.

857. - Pass those out, will you? - Sure.

858. - Lee? - Hey.

859. What up, my brizzo?

860. - That's not right, is it? - Carl, I need you for a second.

861. Can you hang on a minute, Lee?

862. What's going on, Norm?

863. Something's going down on a big scale.

864. Guy from Corporate's here. Don't look. He wants to talk to you.

865. I think it's about all those loans you've been approving.

866. Well, we had a nice run.

867. I might get shit-canned, Norm.

868. Anyway, don't worry about it. It'll lead to something good.

869. - Hey, I'm part of this too. - No.

870. - Yeah. I stood by and let it happen. - Norm.

871. You were feeling it. You were in the loan zone, remember?

872. - I was. - I was watching you.

873. Yeah, you were.

874. But I'm afraid it's caught up with us. Now you and I have to face the music.

875. - Come on. - Hey. Can I have one minute?

876. - Okay. - Lee? What do you need?

877. You may be my last loan.

878. It's a Ducati.

879. I'm thinking it'll get people off my back about the male nurse thing.

880. - See what I mean? - Yeah. Nice ride.

881. See you on the other side, Lee.

882. Carl.

883. Wesley T. Parker. Vice President, Brea Federal Savings.

884. Pleasure to meet you.

885. Every two months, the typical loan officer approves 35 to 40 loans.

886. You have given out...

887. 561.

888. A little more than average, then.

889. What's even more unusual are the amounts.

890. A $250 loan for a mountain bike, $600 for windsurfing lessons.

891. Have you ever tried that? It's fun.

892. Carl, this bank traditionally has never given out small loans.

893. - If I can explain... Yeah, certainly. - Sit down.

894. At first I thought you might be raiding our coffers.

895. - I would never do that. - I would if I could, so why wouldn't you?

896. But...

897. But then I looked closer.

898. These people are so grateful to have their needs met...

899. more than 98 percent of them are following through with payments.

900. And because you've given out so many of them...

901. we're actually making a lot of money. Carl, these micro-loans, not bad.

902. See, Car, you worrywart.

903. Carl, what would you say if I asked you to work upstairs with the big boys?

904. - Corporate? - Wow.

905. That's great. I would have to say...

906. No, wait. Before we give our answer...

907. let's talk money. Dollars and cents, Wes.

908. I'm afraid I can't discuss that with you, since we're only taking Carl.

909. Got it. Yep.

910. We'll have the employment contract to you by the end of the day.

911. Nice work, Carl. Bump my fist.

912. - Missed it. I was gonna fist you. - Here's some fist.

913. This one is nice.

914. I especially love it in cream. What do you think?

915. - I love it. - Yeah?

916. Yeah.

917. Bridal bingo? How do you play bridal bingo?

918. It's the same as regular bingo...

919. but you just yell embarrassing facts about the bride, okay?

920. Yeah.

921. - No, I'm not doing bridal bingo. - Come on.

922. I don't want anything complicated.

923. You gotta squeeze every drop of juice out of this experience.

924. It doesn't sound complicated. Is it complicated?

925. Are you going to be asking a lot more question? I don't got all day.

926. - Maybe we should just go somewhere else. - It's okay. I'll talk to her.

927. Okay.

928. Okay, bridal bingo very simple, okay?

929. I can explain to you in more detail if you want.

930. What's going on?

931. I mean, someone's trying to kill himself.

932. Jump.

933. What the hell are you looking at?

934. Don't do it. - Don't point at me, buddy.

935. Hey, lady, move that dog.

936. Buddy, can you move over a little bit, like two feet?

937. Has somebody called the police?

938. Yeah. He'll be dead before they get here. Somebody needs to talk him down.

939. Move out the way. - Somebody help him!

940. Don't do it.

941. It can't be that bad.

942. Hey, buddy.

943. Who are you, man?

944. Don't try anything. I'm gonna kill myself, so don't try to stop me.

945. - Okay. - What do mean, "Okay"?

946. No, I don't mean okay. Just give me a second.

947. I should say something to you here.

948. I don't really know what it is.

949. Man, you terrible at this. Are you even a cop?

950. Hold on a second, I'm thinking.

951. Wait. I've got it.

952. Where you going, man?

953. I know it's not what I think it is. - Just stop.

954. Oh, man.

955. - My man. Hello? - Don't do it. I'm coming.

956. Patience is a virtue.

957. What the hell you doing in there?

958. I wish you would step back From that ledge, my friend

959. You could cut ties with all the lies That you've been living in

960. And if you never want to see me again

961. I would understand

962. I would understand

963. Um... Oh...

964. What is it?

965. The angry boy a bit too insane

966. Icing over a secret pain

967. You know you don't belong

968. Everyone I know has got a reason

969. To say

970. You can put the past away

971. I wish you would step back From that ledge, my friend

972. You could cut ties with all the lies You've been living in

973. And if you never want to see me again

974. I would understand

975. I would understand

976. I would understand

977. I would understand

978. I would understand

979. I got blisters on my fingers.

980. Carl.

981. Stephanie, Ted, hey.

982. How's it going? What are you guys doing here?

983. We're doing a week in Tahiti. Ted's father owns a little piece of property there.

984. A hundred acres isn't so little, hon. Not in Tahiti, anyway.

985. Hey, I saw you on TV. That was amazing, Carl.

986. It's just a little life that needed saving. No big deal.

987. - So where you headed? - I'm meeting my girlfriend here.

988. - We don't know where we're going. - Really?

989. Yeah, we're just gonna pick a place. Kind of an eenie, meenie, minie thing.

990. Keeps it fresh. I'll see you guys.

991. - That sounds like a lot of fun. - Can you imagine?

992. No.

993. So I have some carry-on here.

994. I'd like two tickets on the first plane out of here, please.

995. We've never done this before.

996. The next flight available for boarding...

997. is to Lincoln, Nebraska.

998. Okay.

999. - Okay. - Okay.

1000. - Yeah? - Lincoln.

1001. Here we come.

1002. Where does someone go in Lincoln, Nebraska?

1003. Well, clearly we should go there.

1004. "The earliest switchboard operators' headsets...

1005. weighed over 10 and a half pounds."

1006. - Interesting. - Look at this.

1007. - Very first phone call ever. - Pretty cool.

1008. Check out the phone.

1009. Smaller than I thought they would be. Hold on, I'm vibrating.

1010. Hello?

1011. Nice shot.

1012. - What do you know about that? - Pretty sexy.

1013. So, what do I do? I just...

1014. Take it easy. - Here you go.

1015. - Okay. - You got it.

1016. Pull?

1017. Good one. - I got it. I got it.

1018. Can I do it again? Can I do it again? What's wrong?

1019. Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear it...

1020. for your University of Nebraska Cornhuskers.

1021. Twenty bucks says Oklahoma kills them.

1022. Hey, Pete, you mind putting that on a coaster?

1023. What, do you live here now?

1024. Yeah. I asked Carl and he had to say yes.

1025. Hey. Is that Carl?

1026. - Wait a second. - Wait a second, wait a second.

1027. The energy is palpable here, Chris. I can't even hear myself think.

1028. - I guess they're in Nebraska. - Wow.

1029. Now, this is the really interesting part. If you don't take the heads off properly...

1030. then everything gets mixed into the batch.

1031. Someone gets a beak in their bucket or a mouthful of tendons...

1032. and you got a lawsuit on your hands.

1033. We got a fainter down in Head Removal.

1034. I can't believe I tripped like that.

1035. It seemed like you fainted. - No, I told you my foot caught a nail.

1036. Okay. Because I thought it was all the chicken beaks in the bucket.

1037. Don't, please.

1038. Oh, God. It's starting to rain.

1039. Here. I have to protect you.

1040. Come on.

1041. Hurry, there's no time to lose. We have to find shelter.

1042. Come on.

1043. Get in here. It's okay. I got you.

1044. Allison, are you okay?

1045. Are you hurt? Are you hurt? You're okay?

1046. What?

1047. I don't know. I think I love you.

1048. Really?

1049. I've known that I like you for a while, but just now I decided that I love you.

1050. - Do you love me? - Definitely.

1051. I love you like...

1052. I can't believe it. It's kind of ridiculous.

1053. I've been thinking...

1054. and I know it's crazy, especially for me...

1055. but maybe when we get back we should move in together.

1056. Wow. Really? You've been thinking that?

1057. What do you think?

1058. - What do I think? Uh... Yeah. - Oh, God. You paused.

1059. - No, I didn't pause. - You paused.

1060. No, I didn't pause. It was just a big step.

1061. It was a stupid idea. I shouldn't have said anything.

1062. Come on, what are you talking about? Here, ask me again.

1063. - Do you wanna move... - Yes.

1064. Did I pause there? I could probably knock a couple milliseconds off that if you...

1065. Where are you traveling today? - Los Angeles.

1066. I'll just be one minute.

1067. We should do this every weekend. We could see the whole world.

1068. I'm in.

1069. - You okay? - Yeah, I'm good.

1070. Sir?

1071. - You mind coming with us, please? - I'm sorry?

1072. We just wanna ask you a few questions.

1073. You're hilarious. Oh, that's great.

1074. Oh, beautiful. Are you in on this too?

1075. Oh, my God, you guys really had me going there.

1076. There's a crazy man in the terminal. Red alert.

1077. - Oh, good job. - Let's go, funny guy.

1078. Come on, lady.

1079. - Do you hate your country, Mr. Allen? - What?

1080. - Do you hate America? - No. Of course not.

1081. Then why are you plotting to attack it?

1082. - What? - I think you have the wrong guy.

1083. I'm sorry. Was I speaking to you?

1084. We've been tracking you. We know who you are.

1085. - We know what you're planning. - This is insane. Do you think I'm a terrorist?

1086. Why did you purchase these plane tickets at the last minute?

1087. It was a spontaneous vacation.

1088. Right. I was just saying to Agent Tweed...

1089. how I wanted to take a fun-filled vacation to Lincoln, Nebraska.

1090. Are you currently a member of Persianwifefinder.com?

1091. - Yes, but you don't understand. - Yes? Who is that?

1092. Faranoush. It was nothing. I can explain. I can explain.

1093. Explain this, jackhole. As Chief Loan Officer at Brea Federal Savings and Loan...

1094. you gave a man money to start a fertilizer business.

1095. - For what, bombs? - No.

1096. Have you recently started taking flying lessons?

1097. - Yes. Oh, come on. - Why did you learn Korean?

1098. - Are you aligned with the North Koreans? - No. What?

1099. You were married for six months. Some immigration thing?

1100. - You were married? - Yes.

1101. That was a long time ago. I was gonna tell you.

1102. I was gonna tell her. I just never...

1103. Start talking, Carl, if that is your real name.

1104. We knew another Karl we weren't too crazy about, didn't we, Tweed?

1105. His name was Marx.

1106. I need to speak to my attorney.

1107. Several months ago, my client attended a self-empowerment seminar...

1108. that requires him to say yes to any request that's presented.

1109. All of the activity that appears suspicious...

1110. the flying lessons, the spontaneous trip-taking...

1111. it's all because he must say yes to any opportunity.

1112. - He's really into it. - You say yes to everything?

1113. - Are you kidding? - It's not how it sounds.

1114. How does it? I'd love to hear this.

1115. I'm wondering if there's a better setting for this back and forth.

1116. Maybe we should speak privately. Come on outside.

1117. - Whew. That was close. - What the hell, Carl?

1118. Are you serious? You say yes to everything?

1119. - Even if you don't like it? - No, of course not.

1120. - Sometimes. - Oh, good. What a relief.

1121. I thought you lied all the time, but it's just sometimes. That's excellent.

1122. So you didn't wanna come to my show...

1123. you didn't wanna go jogging with me, you didn't wanna travel with me?

1124. Yes, I did. That was my idea.

1125. When I asked you if you wanted to move in...

1126. that took a lot for me to do that, and I meant it.

1127. I didn't know what to expect, but I guess I figured...

1128. like an adult, you were gonna weigh the options.

1129. You paused.

1130. You wanted to say no but you couldn't. You had to say yes.

1131. - That's not entirely true. - How do I know if anything you did...

1132. was because you wanted to or because you were following some damn program?

1133. Allison.

1134. Bye, Carl.

1135. I can't believe I didn't tell her I was married. I'm such an idiot.

1136. - You know what I did? - What's that?

1137. She asked me to move in with her and I hesitated. That was like a no.

1138. I should have said yes right away, you know?

1139. That's how the whole thing got screwed up. I broke the covenant.

1140. Ever think things got screwed up...

1141. because you said yes without thinking, not because of a covenant you made?

1142. It's with the universe. It's a big deal.

1143. There is a middle ground here. You can process things.

1144. You can weigh them individually and make decisions on a case-by-case basis...

1145. a.k.a. What normal people do.

1146. Yeah, that's a good point. Hold that thought. Allison!

1147. Or not.

1148. Allison, please, can't we talk for a sec?

1149. - Get away from me. - Okay.

1150. Farther. - Yeah.

1151. Carl.

1152. Bye, Carl.

1153. - Oh, I just love good food. - So do I.

1154. - Do you? - Uh-huh.

1155. You know you and I are a lot alike?

1156. My mother likes good food.

1157. She always used to say, "I'd rather eat good food...

1158. than bad food any old day of the week. "

1159. Hey.

1160. It's me again.

1161. Specifically I'm talking about 15 to 20 percent.

1162. The way we're gonna do this is we're gonna go after the...

1163. Okay, I'm totally off the controls.

1164. You're officially flying by yourself.

1165. Cool.

1166. There's no greater feeling in the world, is there?

1167. Hello, Jake, Rodrigo, Penelope, Phillip, Zachary.

1168. I'd like to thank you all for coming...

1169. for no other reason than you genuinely wanted to.

1170. In an unrelated note, everyone else can go jump off a bridge.

1171. Ah!

1172. Allison?

1173. No, it's Wes P., Big C. Did I catch you at a bad time?

1174. - No, no, I'm just hanging here. - Okay, okay. Just checking in.

1175. Seeing how Corporate's treating you.

1176. Kicks the crap out of dealing with those peons, huh?

1177. - I never really thought of them as... - Hang on, hang on, hang on, just a second.

1178. Wes? Can you hear me?

1179. Go get the ball!

1180. So listen, I got a job for you. We're shutting down a bunch of branches...

1181. and I need you to tell the managers. - Shutting down branches?

1182. Which ones?

1183. We are Sparta!

1184. Hi, Norm.

1185. You have three messages.

1186. Hi, Car, this is your answer phone speaking.

1187. No, it's me, Norm, just a reminder about the party tonight.

1188. I'll see you there, buddy. Roger, out.

1189. Carl, it's Roons. Thanks for letting me use your car.

1190. You might notice the front bumper missing. Not to worry.

1191. I gave them your insurance. The whole thing's being handled.

1192. And I left a pile of laundry in my room. Don't forget, no starch. Love you.

1193. It's Peter. I'm sure you're aware and completely on top of it...

1194. but just wanted to make sure Lucy's shower is still on for tomorrow night.

1195. Haven't received confirmation of any sort from you. At all.

1196. - Shower. Shit. - It's on.

1197. Right? Call me.

1198. - Hey, guys. - Hey.

1199. - What's wrong? - I just really need to talk to you.

1200. What?

1201. Come on inside. I'll explain everything.

1202. Surprise!

1203. - Oh, my God. - Happy shower.

1204. How did you pull this off?

1205. I just called in a few favors, kept throwing money at it.

1206. I like it, I like it.

1207. - Rooney. - Congrats.

1208. - That's Bert. He's in fertilizer. - Hey, B.

1209. - And Lee, he's a male nurse. - I know Lee.

1210. Let's get this guy a drink. He doesn't have long to live.

1211. On him, on him.

1212. Cake?

1213. - Thanks. - Sure.

1214. - Oh, John Goodman. - No, it's Alec Baldwin.

1215. Oh, right. Nailed it.

1216. Norm. Hey, thanks for coming, man.

1217. - How you holding up? - I'm okay, Car.

1218. You know, taking her day by day.

1219. Yeah. Well, I got a friend I want you to meet.

1220. Oh.

1221. - Norman, this is Soo-Mi. - Hi there.

1222. - Can I call you Soo? - Yes.

1223. Do you dance?

1224. Well, I've won some competitions. Watch this.

1225. - Come on. - Look out. Oh, hey.

1226. - Oh, that's an interesting one. - Yep. And it's half-price, so...

1227. Oh, jeez.

1228. - That's the best wedding shower ever, man. - Man, you deserve it.

1229. - You all right? - Yeah. Yeah.

1230. - Yeah? She's still not calling you back? - No.

1231. - What are you gonna do? - I don't know.

1232. I guess I'll just stick with the program. Keep saying yes to everything.

1233. I know it sounds silly...

1234. but maybe that bad stuff will lead to something good.

1235. Doesn't sound silly. Well, maybe a little silly.

1236. You wanna get dinner tomorrow night?

1237. - Yes. And not because I have to. - Great.

1238. - Well, you do have to. - Yeah.

1239. - But you want to. - Oh, yeah.

1240. - So bad. - Oh, God, me too.

1241. - It's all I can think about. - Really?

1242. Hi there.

1243. Hello there.

1244. You must be Tillie.

1245. - I've certainly heard a lot about you. - Isn't that nice?

1246. - Would you mind helping me? - Absolutely, yeah. No problem.

1247. Come on, let's go.

1248. - Hello? - Hi, Carl.

1249. - Oh, Stephanie. What's wrong? - Can you come over?

1250. We had this big fight and he stormed off.

1251. Well, these things have a way of working themselves out.

1252. I don't know.

1253. - Not this time. I think it's over. - Yeah?

1254. You know, but maybe it's supposed to be.

1255. I mean, a part of me felt like something wasn't right from the beginning.

1256. - Yeah? - I don't know, Carl. I'm so confused.

1257. Yeah. I'm gonna assume at this point, it's, well...

1258. - Stay with me tonight. - Oh, Steph...

1259. Steph...

1260. I can't.

1261. I'm sorry.

1262. What are you saying?

1263. I'm saying no.

1264. Are you serious?

1265. Oh, Jesus.

1266. Oh, please.

1267. I didn't even see the red zone. I've only been here for 20 minutes.

1268. - Sorry, pal. Can't help you. - Oh, come on. Can't you give me a break?

1269. No, man, no, man, no, man.

1270. No man, no man, no man... - Not possible!

1271. Jackoff.

1272. Chapter 26, "Words That Rhyme With Yes."

1273. Guess, mess.

1274. Tess, that's a name. Less, a word and a name.

1275. - Terrence, don't freak out. - What the fuck?

1276. Jesus, that nurse couldn't be any more obvious.

1277. She was coming in the room. It's like, "Give me some space, woman."

1278. Again, I'm pretty sure she was just here checking on Carl.

1279. Peter.

1280. A covenant.

1281. Hey, buddy, you all right?

1282. The covenant, it's coming down hard on me, man.

1283. - He keeps talking this covenant nonsense. - It's not nonsense.

1284. It is nonsense.

1285. It's him.

1286. Oh, thank God. Terrence. You have to remove the covenant. It's killing me.

1287. First of all, what were you doing in my car?

1288. I told you, I need you to remove the covenant.

1289. There is no covenant. There never was. I was just riffing.

1290. - Riffing? - Well, I had to say something.

1291. You were being difficult, embarrassing me in front of my crowd.

1292. - So the whole yes thing is all bullshit? - No.

1293. You just don't know how to use it, that's all.

1294. Yeah, I do. Say yes to everything. Real tough to grasp.

1295. No, that's not the point.

1296. Well, maybe at first it is, but that's just to open you up to it...

1297. to get you started.

1298. Then you're saying yes, not because you have to...

1299. not because a covenant tells you to...

1300. but because you know in your heart that you want to.

1301. Yeah.

1302. You're right.

1303. - That makes perfect sense. - I told you. I said that.

1304. - You didn't say that. - I did.

1305. - You didn't say it like that. - Not with an accent.

1306. Thanks, Terrence. Sorry about the car, and your head there.

1307. - What time is it? - It's 5:40 in the morning.

1308. Perfect.

1309. I said that.

1310. Whatever.

1311. I'm gonna hop in the bed just in case the nurse comes back.

1312. - Sir, you need to get back to your room. - No, I don't.

1313. - Sir, stop right there. - Eat me.

1314. - Lee. What are you doing here? - I'm a nurse, remember?

1315. Oh, yeah, right. Sorry. Can I borrow your car?

1316. No, I don't have my car anymore. I've got my Ducati, thanks to you.

1317. Ducati.

1318. Have you ever driven one of these before? They're quite powerful.

1319. Yeah, I ride double all the time on the scooter with Allison.

1320. No, Carl, this is not the same.

1321. You really have to be careful. Okay? These things have a lot of...

1322. Holy Jesus.

1323. - torque.

1324. - How you doing? - Can't complain.

1325. Ah!

1326. You might wanna get out of the way.

1327. Come on. Jerk. - I'm sorry.

1328. Ah!

1329. Whoa!

1330. What an asshole.

1331. Carl, what are you doing here?

1332. I just wanted to tell you that I don't wanna live with you.

1333. Oh, wow. Thanks. My knight in shining armor.

1334. Okay, people, let's go.

1335. But I wanna be with you.

1336. But I don't wanna be with you. I don't know you.

1337. Everything I said I meant, except about living together.

1338. That makes me nervous, but that's normal. It's big.

1339. We shouldn't just jump into that without thinking.

1340. Why not? You do it with everything. You say yes to whatever comes your way.

1341. That's not true. You can say no if you don't want something.

1342. Brilliant, Carl. Where'd you get that? Your literature?

1343. Look, I know the philosophy has some holes.

1344. You think? Seems pretty airtight to me.

1345. But if I hadn't done that, I never would've met you.

1346. Because the old Carl didn't think he was enough for anybody.

1347. I thought if I said yes to things and got involved with people...

1348. sooner or later, they'd find out I'm not enough.

1349. I didn't think I had anything to share.

1350. But now I know that what I have to share is pretty huge, and I wanna share it with you.

1351. - Do you mind, Reggie? - Seriously, dude.

1352. Sorry, this seemed interesting.

1353. Even if I had met you, I never would've asked you out.

1354. You were the complete opposite of me. You did things and had friends...

1355. and sang in rock bands and made life happen.

1356. You weren't scared of anything.

1357. You don't think I'm scared of anything?

1358. Who do you think I am? I'm scared of a lot of things.

1359. And I'm scared too.

1360. So let's be scared together.

1361. I don't know what you want me to say.

1362. So just say yes...

1363. but only if you really want to.

1364. And can you do it kind of soon? I think I'm starting to get a chill.

1365. Yeah, I noticed that.

1366. Well?

1367. - Maybe. - Come on.

1368. - I'm not gonna say that word. - Okay, maybe's fine. Maybe's good.

1369. I like maybe.

1370. - Reggie, come on. - Dude.

1371. Excuse me, but pleats are kind of out of style.

1372. You got anything with a flat front?

1373. Oh, Soo-Mi, pleats are out?

1374. Thanks, guys.

1375. This is the single biggest donation that we've ever had.

1376. You're welcome, but it was Carl that made it all happen.

1377. You're a good man, Carl.

1378. No big deal. I know a lot of people who are willing to give.

1379. Say it a million times. Say it a million more times.

1380. And the word you will have said 2 million times is:

1381. Yes!

1382. Good God.

1383. So anything else we need to know?

1384. Your instinct is gonna be to brake with your chin or your forehead.

1385. - Try to resist that. - Right.

1386. Right.

1387. Oh, and thanks for the loan.

1388. I never could have finished the suits without it.

1389. Listen, I'm not gonna think anything less of you if you don't wanna do this.

1390. What?

1391. I mean, I'm still gonna be attracted to you if you're a chicken.

1392. What if I'm one of those chickens...

1393. whose head doesn't get severed and my beak ends up in the bucket?

1394. I'll see you at the bottom. Unless you pass out.

1395. I told you, my foot caught a nail.

1396. Hiyah!

1397. I love this.