Without a Paddle (2004)

1. - Ghostbusters! - Ghostbusters!

2. Yeah!

3. We did it, man!

4. - Be safe. - You got it, man.

5. - Have a great trip. - Yeah.

6. When I'm done with probation, I'm gonna come find you.

7. I know you will.

8. All right, I'm out of here.

9. One last thing.

10. - Remember this? - My Indy compass.

11. - In case you get lost. - Where'd you get this?

12. - And you will get lost. - Yeah, I will get lost.

13. But it's half the fun.

14. - Thanks, man. - Be good.

15. - Take care of those two fools. - Have fun.

16. I will.

17. Catch you around, boys!

18. Bye, Billy!

19. I wonder where he's gonna end up.

20. He's gonna do great things.

21. Don't worry. We're all gonna do great things.

22. - Are you ready for Tom? - I'm ready for Tom!

23. - Let's ride! - Come on, baby!

24. Yeah!

25. Angie! What was that?

26. Shit. I think it's Tony.

27. - Tony? - Get your clothes on!

28. - What happened to "Tony's in China"? - This is bad. Get your clothes on...

29. Hey, Tony.

30. You're home early, baby.

31. - Tony? - What the hell's going on here?

32. Tony, there's enough of me to go around.

33. I'm thinking about a Tom sandwich. Light on the Tom.

34. Jerry here has the reworked formula, so I'll pass the ball on to him.

35. You're on.

36. - Now? - Now.

37. Right.

38. Baby! You're home.

39. Hey.

40. How was the surf?

41. Someone's happy to see me.

42. Well, why wouldn't I be? Especially tonight.

43. Wow.

44. You outdid yourself.

45. Just seemed like the right night to outdo oneself, so...

46. A Thursday?

47. Honey, don't you think every night should be special?

48. Yeah. Yes, every night should be special, this is true.

49. But, really,

50. specifically, there's always one night a year that just seems right

51. for a celebration of a specific event.

52. - Do you know what I'm saying? - Absolutely.

53. I love dip.

54. It's our anniversary!

55. Our first date! How many hints do I need to give you?

56. I must be crazy.

57. A trip? Great call. Where we going?

58. I won't do it. I won't play the role of nagging girlfriend anymore.

59. Would nagging wife make you happier?

60. Please tell me that was not you proposing to me.

61. Jerry and Denise cannot get to the phone right now,

62. because we're doing it!

63. Jerry, it's Mom. If you're there, will you please pick up?

64. Hey, Mom. I can't really talk right now.

65. What?

66. Excuse me. Excuse me.

67. Excuse me, sir? Sir? Excuse me. You're in my spot.

68. I don't see your name on it.

69. Well, actually, yes, my name is on it. See? Right there, Dr. Mott.

70. That's me. That's my space.

71. You got me.

72. But look at this, pal!

73. Now, your name's not on it!

74. Hey! What're you doing? Hey! Hey!

75. Hey, you get back. You get back. I'm not afraid to use this!

76. Hey, don't!

77. - Have a good day, Doc. - You, too.

78. I'm Dr. Mott!

79. Good morning, Sandi. TGIF.

80. What's that, Dr. Mott?

81. Thank goodness it's Friday. Happy Friday.

82. It's the weekend. Hurray.

83. Right.

84. "TGIF."

85. That was great. So smart.

86. Why don't you just ask her out, you dumb-ass?

87. It's Jerry Conlaine.

88. - He says it's very important. - Okay.

89. - Hey, Jerry, how you doing? Long time. - Hey, Dan.

90. Listen. There was an accident.

91. Billy's dead.

92. - You're kidding. - Yeah, he...

93. He was para-surfing down in Costa Rica.

94. So the funeral's this weekend. It's... It's in Oregon.

95. - Yeah... - I'm flying out in a couple of hours.

96. - Can you make it? - Yeah, I'll be there.

97. Dano! Hey.

98. - Hey, Jerry. - How's it going?

99. Man.

100. Oh, my God, is that Everest?

101. Yeah. You know Billy. He wasn't afraid of anything.

102. He did it all.

103. Did you know he ran with the bulls?

104. He sent me a postcard from Spain.

105. - Man, he did great things. - He did.

106. I still want you.

107. Why did you leave me?

108. Billy.

109. Billy's dead and he's still got a better chance of getting laid than I do.

110. "Leadeth me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

111. "I walk through the valley of the shadow..."

112. What is that?

113. Tom's here.

114. "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear..."

115. Is this Billy's funeral?

116. Is that the corpse of Billy Newwood?

117. Jer, is that you?

118. You're with Dan?

119. - Where did you guys park? - Tom!

120. Okay. Sorry.

121. There was a hell of a fender-bender coming in, and...

122. - Please continue. - I-5 was a parking lot.

123. - I'm so sorry. - Anyway, I made it.

124. "Then the earth shook and trembled."

125. Sorry, Padre.

126. "The foundations moved and were shaken..."

127. My bad. Missed an exit.

128. "... because he was wroth.

129. "He bowed the heavens also, and came down: and darkness was..."

130. Did you notice how many hot chicks were at that funeral?

131. No kidding! It was like a discotheque with a coffin in the middle.

132. - Look at that. - Holy...

133. Fort Cooper. Can you believe it?

134. God, I remember it being taller.

135. Wow.

136. There it is.

137. Race you to the top!

138. - Dano, come on up, buddy! - Come on, Dan.

139. You guys are hammered! I'm not climbing up a 20-year-old rope.

140. - That's crazy. - Tommy, catch.

141. This whole thing seems a little insane for us to be doing,

142. climbing with the possibility of...

143. - You all right, Dano? - Come on, Dano, grab it.

144. - Give me the rope. - Come on, Dan!

145. Use your tippy-toes. There you go.

146. Cobweb. Look out.

147. - Oh, my God. - How small is that door?

148. Kind of seems about the same, actually.

149. I hope I don't fall through the floor of this thing.

150. Hey! What's up, B.A. Baracus?

151. Mr. T. How awesome is that?

152. You guys. Oh, my gosh.

153. - Look at this. - Hey, that's our old flag.

154. - D.B. Cooper's treasure chest. - Man, look at that thing.

155. - You remember this? - Of course, yeah.

156. Cooper parachuted out of a plane up north with a bunch of stolen cash.

157. Gosh, we were obsessed with that.

158. - Nationwide police hunt and... - Right.

159. - He was never found. - Yeah, we were gonna sneak away,

160. go up the river, all Huck Finn, Apocalypse Now style.

161. Get the loot.

162. I bet you we spent half our childhood planning that trip.

163. It's all Billy ever talked about.

164. - Let's open it up. - We have to break the lock.

165. - I'll break it. - 38-24-36.

166. - How do you know that? - How do you possibly remember that?

167. Miss 1981, Julie McDonald. 38-24-36. Unforgettable.

168. Had a passion for cycling. Disliked liars.

169. You're right.

170. - What the... - Do you believe it?

171. Man! Look at that.

172. The oath.

173. "We swear that these things will remain in this box

174. "until we find D.B. Cooper's treasure."

175. Signed, a bunch of kids.

176. Remember we pricked our fingers, took a blood oath?

177. Dan, what's that next to your signature? That's not blood.

178. It was earwax. I was afraid of needles.

179. Should we check out the priceless treasures of our youth?

180. - C-3PO. - C-3PO.

181. I wonder who put that in.

182. Let me see that. That's a collectible now.

183. - Yeah, right. - My Brian Bosworth rookie card.

184. - The Boz. - Man, I thought he was gonna be

185. the greatest ever.

186. "I've been in that box a very long time."

187. Well, you're free now.

188. And, Tom, I believe this is your contribution.

189. Oh, my God.

190. That's my first rubber. Boy.

191. I found this in my dad's pickup right before he went to jail.

192. I remember he caught me with it.

193. Boy, he smacked me right in the head.

194. What a charming father-and-son tale.

195. He was funny.

196. - Hey, what did Billy put in there? - Yeah, what does he got?

197. His Indy compass.

198. I gave this to him before he took off on his trip. He must've...

199. I don't know, he must've put it back.

200. Look at this. It's one of our mix tapes. Remember we did the DJ intros?

201. Yeah, let's not Wang Chung tonight. Burn that.

202. Wow. You guys, check out this map.

203. - Looks like Billy left us a treasure map. - Look at that.

204. - Not only that... - This map looks new.

205. He plotted out the whole trip.

206. Billy thought D.B. landed right here. There's no way he did this as a kid.

207. He must've been adding to the box over the years.

208. This is the camping trip he wanted us to take last summer.

209. I... I couldn't go. I was detained in Mexico.

210. And he wouldn't do it unless we were all together.

211. I swear to God, I think he figured it out. I mean, look at all this research.

212. He reconstructed the jump. He pinpointed D.B.'s landing.

213. That's crazy.

214. My God.

215. I'm sorry, you guys, we made an oath.

216. It all goes back in the box.

217. It all goes back in the box until we find the treasure.

218. So let's go find it. Let's... Let's take Billy's trip.

219. - Come on, guys, what do you say? - I say, "Hell, yes."

220. - Hell, yes! Right? - We'll get a canoe.

221. - Right? - No.

222. No. No, I'm...

223. - No. - We're all going.

224. - Listen, I wanna get a lot of rope. - A rope's good.

225. All right, I know you guys won't grasp this concept,

226. but I have patients and...

227. Yeah, yeah. I have a Rambo knife.

228. I am a doctor now.

229. I am Dr. Mott now!

230. I have responsibilities.

231. Your responsibility is to come treasure hunting with us.

232. We're 30.

233. I mean, this might be the last chance we have to do something

234. incredibly stupid together.

235. I agree.

236. For Billy, Dano.

237. - Not fair. - I think it's fair.

238. All right.

239. Time to re-up on our oath, boys. Fingers up.

240. - Hey, put that away. Tom... - I love the way you work.

241. - You know who I'm talking to. - There's no way I'm going. No chance!

242. No! You guys, no! Hey. Let go of me!

243. Hey! No, no.

244. No!

245. I hate you guys.

246. We hate you, too, Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.

247. Hey! Hey! I agreed to come. You said I could drive.

248. We drive by my rules. No kissing me.

249. I cannot believe that Billy kept the Duke in running shape all these years.

250. 318 V8, man. They're bulletproof.

251. How about a little Fort Cooper classic?

252. This is Rocking Billy Newwood. I'm here with fellow DJ's.

253. - Jazzy Jerry. - Yeah!

254. Gonzo Tommy.

255. - Yeah! - Yeah!

256. - And Disco Dan. - Burn, baby, burn!

257. And we have a special dedication by Dan's mom, entitled,

258. "I've had sex with Tom."

259. I totally did, though.

260. And usually, it's too late when you

261. Do you know the words?

262. Realize what you have

263. And my mind goes back To a girl I left

264. Some years ago

265. Who told me

266. Just hold on loosely

267. But don't let go

268. The boys together, the open road. Good tunes, good times.

269. Good God! Let's pull off memory highway.

270. always on Till the break of dawn

271. C-O-M-P-T-O-N And the city they call Long Beach

272. Putting that shit together

273. And if it's good enough To take 'em off a proper chunk

274. I'll take a small piece of some of that funky stuff

275. - It's like this and like that... - ... like that...

276. - How do you know all these words? - He's a doctor.

277. Doctors study other doctors' work.

278. - You're a secret Dr. Dre fan. - God.

279. - It's like this and like that - Like this

280. - and like that... - ... and like that...

281. - Well, this is a metropolis. Look at this. - This place is very remote.

282. I wish I would've brought my dancing shoes so we could go clubbing.

283. Maybe we should find out where the nearest hospital is.

284. Let's stay at The Ritz. This is great.

285. - How are you? - Hi.

286. Where are we?

287. Corner of Bumfuck and You Got a Purty Mouth.

288. Hey, I'm gonna make a call.

289. Wait, Jerry, you should use my new cell phone.

290. It's a satellite phone, so it works everywhere.

291. And it's got a camera and it's got an address book and, listen,

292. - it's even got a personalized ring. - Nice.

293. You shouldn't be proud of that, Dan.

294. - Thanks. - You're welcome.

295. Well,

296. I'm gonna go check out the canoe situation.

297. - You want anything? - Good luck. No, I'm good.

298. Hello?

299. Denise. What are you doing home? Hey.

300. Hi. Is everything all right?

301. You know.

302. - It's as good as it can be. - Where are you?

303. On the road.

304. Good. You're on your way home. What time do you get in?

305. I can't wait to see you.

306. What you looking at, boy?

307. Here's the thing, the guys and I... We're going on a treasure hunt.

308. And I know that sounds dumb, but it's something that we have to do

309. for Billy.

310. That doesn't sound dumb at all. I completely understand.

311. - You do? - Just call me when you get a chance.

312. But I might be out of the house for a bit. Yeah, because

313. my girlfriends and I, we're gonna go on a search for the lost city of Atlantis.

314. Maybe my treasure will help buy your submarine.

315. - Maybe. Maybe it will. - Take a picture.

316. - Hold on. - I'm on the little guy's back.

317. - Shut up. - Go, take a picture.

318. That's good. That's good.

319. Hello?

320. That did not sound like it went well.

321. Hiya, boys. Nice day. Just passing through?

322. No. We're actually from UPS.

323. Looks like someone ordered a set of teeth.

324. - I beg your pardon? - Taser guns. Dropping them off.

325. - Anyways... - So, help me out here, boys.

326. Where was it you said you was headed?

327. We're just taking a trip. Our old friend, Billy, he made this map...

328. Quiet time. Quiet.

329. We're just taking a day trip up Spirit River, Your Honor.

330. Pretty thick country up there.

331. You make a couple mistakes up there, you gone.

332. You know what, I think we'll be okay. I was a Boy Scout.

333. Tom, you were a Boy Scout, weren't you?

334. No. But I ate a Brownie once.

335. You don't wanna play on the big river, boys.

336. - Oh, no, we're not playing, we're... - I got this. You listen to me.

337. I know a thing or two about rapid-riding

338. 'cause I was a white-water guide in Northern California, NoCal.

339. Here's the thing. I know how to read a river better than you can read a book.

340. - Just a little better. - All right.

341. - All right. So we're gonna get going? - That's right.

342. - Yeah? Thank you, Sheriff. - See you, Ray-Bans.

343. You think we got enough booze, Tom?

344. Maybe you wanna hire a bartender to come on the trip with us.

345. What's a camping trip without beer?

346. Well, it's still a camping trip, actually, just with less vomiting.

347. I hear you're a river guide.

348. - Yeah. - Yeah.

349. Class IV, V?

350. - Which is it? - Why don't you try putting

351. those numbers together? That's right.

352. I've shot a class 45, and I've never lost a man.

353. Lie to me. I don't care.

354. I'm not the one that's going to drown.

355. All right, fellas. Here we go. Attention.

356. We christen you Duke II.

357. Thanks for breaking glass where my kids play.

358. Thanks, buddy.

359. There's a transmitter in the canoe.

360. That way, if you guys disappear, at least we'll get our boat back.

361. It's child's play, guy. We got it.

362. - It's beautiful! - This is the best.

363. - I like it out here. - This is Spirit River!

364. Get you out of the doctor's office, Dano.

365. - It's good to be outside. - Yeah.

366. Get you away from that computer, Jer!

367. - What kind of fish are those? - That's brown trout.

368. - That's big fish. - Brown trout?

369. - Hey, look, a deer! Wow! - That's cool.

370. Right out there in the open.

371. Hey...

372. Cheers.

373. The great outdoors!

374. - Tom! You guys are spraying me! - Give me a break,

375. - I'm writing your name! - Stop that!

376. - Hey, don't, don't, don't! - What, are you gonna melt?

377. No, but this water is teeming with microbes.

378. Stop.

379. They don't let losers in a splash fight!

380. So this is Spirit River. We take that to Widowmaker Bend.

381. And then we hike the Devil's Staircase,

382. and that should lead us to the top of Hellfire Ridge.

383. What's with all these satanic names? Isn't there, like, a Fluffy Bunny Way?

384. No, but there's a Shut Up You Big Baby Ridge.

385. Okay, just keep your eyes open

386. - for our first day's marker. - What's that?

387. It's a rock formation called Grandpa's Nose.

388. Grandpa's Nose.

389. Looking for Grandpa's Nose.

390. I think I see it! It's right there.

391. Good work, Dan.

392. Prepare to port. I'm gonna drink some beer!

393. I predict you'll be puking in that river before the end of the night, Tom.

394. Dry timber.

395. Hi there, coalminer's daughter. You want a hand?

396. Or you can always try these fancy new things called matches.

397. I saw how to do this on the Discovery Channel, okay?

398. And I'm gonna do it. I got it covered.

399. Oxygen in there... Get that right combination...

400. Stop, drop and roll!

401. Why would you do that?

402. I'm with my face right next to the... And you blow...

403. - Why would you do that? - It's warm.

404. It's a nice fire.

405. Hey. We did it.

406. I told you.

407. Do you really want to hurt me?

408. Do you really wanna hear this crap?

409. Please. You liked this song just as much as I did.

410. When we were kids, it didn't matter what the song was.

411. We weren't wrapped up in what was cool and uncool.

412. We just listened to the music.

413. It should be like that now. Just listen to the song, man.

414. Wow! This song is so uncool.

415. - Well, I like it. It soothes me. - Dan, what is wrong with you?

416. I'm blessed with good taste.

417. One day, you'll see I've always been correct.

418. Don't get cocky, 30-year-old Dr. Mott with 46 years of school under his belt.

419. Excuse me for getting an M.D. and starting a successful practice.

420. Well, excuse me. I found a way to make 12 grand a month

421. without having an M.D.

422. Really? How do you do that?

423. Yeah, what, are you running immigrants over the border again, coyote?

424. Those guys fell asleep in my truck.

425. I thought I'd just gotten shitfaced and bought a bunch of sombreros.

426. I didn't know there were dudes underneath.

427. For real, though?

428. Selling Harleys. It's the greatest gig on the planet.

429. Congrats. I'm happy for you.

430. Seriously, though, you guys both sound

431. - like you're doing great. - Aren't you?

432. I just don't know if I'm cut out for the whole family-wife-kids thing.

433. I would kill to have a woman at home willing to have sex with me every night.

434. And at work, I just sit in my office and I think,

435. "There's gotta be something better out there." You know what I mean?

436. - I thought you liked your job. - I like to surf.

437. Sitting out in the water. Waiting for that perfect wave.

438. And I also like being out here. I like this, right now.

439. The first time in months, no worries, no responsibilities.

440. Just living in the moment.

441. Just like Billy did.

442. Hey. Here's to Billy.

443. - To our dead friend. - Get them up.

444. Tom.

445. Hey, Dano, what ever happened

446. between you and Cockeyed Katie, anyway?

447. You know, I don't appreciate the name-calling.

448. Katie was very attractive.

449. It was a mutual separation.

450. Yeah, between her eyes.

451. That girl had not one, but two wandering eyes.

452. It was like her eyes were trying to escape from her head.

453. You know, Tom, I'm sorry she wasn't up to your high standard of women.

454. No tattoos below the waist, never worked as a carny.

455. Name one girlfriend of mine who worked as a carny.

456. Jo Jo, the one who had her downstairs pierced.

457. Jo Jo. That's one.

458. How do you know what she did with her downstairs?

459. She had that website,

460. - JoJosDownstairs.com. - That was a good one.

461. All right, Dano, let's see what you packed us for dinner.

462. - What is this, astronaut food? - No. It's a vitamin gel pack.

463. It tastes like watermelon. It's very filling

464. and it preserves well for camping.

465. - It's leaking. - I'm not an astronaut. I'm an American.

466. And there's fresh salmon in that river for the taking.

467. - What? - I'm eating salmon tonight.

468. That's a great idea, except we didn't bring any fishing gear.

469. Don't need any.

470. - We'll shine them. - That would kill a fish.

471. Shine the fish, old Cherokee trick.

472. Yeah, I forgot the Cherokee had been using the flashlight

473. for thousands of years.

474. No, didn't they pioneer the D battery?

475. All right, suckers.

476. Let's see who's eating salmon tonight and who's eating crow.

477. Why, do you have a crow-catching trick, too?

478. Yuk it up, astronauts. They love figure eights.

479. Hey, 100 grand and my left nut says

480. the only thing you catch out there is a cold.

481. Got it! Grab it!

482. What are you doing?

483. - Fantastic. - Can you do that again?

484. You owe me 100 grand and the left nut.

485. Are you gonna catch it when I throw it up?

486. - Yeah, yeah! - Yeah, yeah, come on!

487. I'm gonna have to use a distinct pattern now. They got used to the figure eight.

488. It's gonna be tough, but I'll focus.

489. What the hell are you doing?

490. I toss it, you grab it. That's your part of the deal.

491. What?

492. - What are you doing? - I'm taking off my shoes.

493. - Why? - Because I run faster with no shoes.

494. - You can't outrun that bear. - I don't have to outrun the bear.

495. I just have to outrun you.

496. Stay calm.

497. It's important that you don't let them smell your fear.

498. - Just follow my lead. - What are you gonna do?

499. It's a bear! We're all gonna die!

500. Run!

501. It's too fast!

502. Go!

503. Faster!

504. Keep going!

505. Get out!

506. - Go away! Go! - Get out!

507. - Stay calm. Get in the fetal position. - God.

508. It won't bother you if you're in the fetal position.

509. Jer!

510. - Nothing's gonna happen now. - Is he gone? Is he gone?

511. Abort the fetal position! It's not working!

512. - It's not working! - Run!

513. No...

514. The bear thinks Dan's her cub.

515. What do we do now?

516. Stay... Stay down. Don't... Don't make eye contact.

517. - Help me! - Let's go.

518. This is bad. This is really bad. Do something.

519. - Go first. - No, you go first.

520. What...

521. Hey. Where's the bear?

522. He's trying to fatten Dan up so they can hibernate together.

523. Chew it up and eat it.

524. Eat it.

525. - Stop pretending. - Dan, you have to eat it.

526. You have to actually eat it.

527. - Okay. - Bite.

528. Eat it.

529. It's delicious. Very good, thank you.

530. Is there another one?

531. That was good. That was real good.

532. - Let's go. - Okay.

533. - Move, move, move! - Up the tree.

534. Go!

535. - Your mom misses you. - She's in my stuff.

536. Hey, that's my phone. She ate my phone.

537. How long do you think she'll keep looking for me?

538. Hour, hour and a half, tops.

539. Bears have very short attention spans. I know a guy who trains them.

540. Okay.

541. What was that?

542. I don't know, but it scared away our friend. Let's get out of here.

543. What do you think could happen if this thing went off right in the boat?

544. - You think we'd die? - I think you throw it right now.

545. What if I toss it to you and then you throw it?

546. Elwood, throw it!

547. - Yeah! - Yeah!

548. - Cue the insane hillbillies. - What are these freaks doing?

549. They're fishing.

550. Why aren't they using their flashlights, Tom?

551. - Yeah! - Yeah!

552. This is exactly what you hear about

553. when people go into the deep woods in the middle of summertime.

554. Aside from getting all sorts of diseases and things,

555. they just wind up being the victims of some kind of unexpected man-rape.

556. How you like me now, boy?

557. - I don't like this... - Quiet. Go, go.

558. She ate everything. Including my very expensive cell phone.

559. All right, let's load up. There's treasure in them hills.

560. Wait a minute, you're not actually considering continuing, are you?

561. - Why not? - Well, because I just...

562. I got carried away by a bear. And then we spent the night sleeping in a tree.

563. Well, we got that out of the way. Now we can get back on the river.

564. There comes a time in every cub's life

565. when he needs to strike out and make it on his own.

566. Fine.

567. Fine. But I say we avoid them and we launch around the bend there, okay?

568. All right, all right. Heave-ho.

569. They call this portage. Or "portage."

570. - What's the map say, Jerry? - You know, it's a map.

571. It's gonna be... It's gonna be good.

572. Jer, isn't the river supposed to fork?

573. No. It just goes straight the whole way. Straight shot.

574. Are you sure?

575. We are back in business, boys.

576. All right. Let's rudder back. Bring the tail out.

577. - It's getting kind of rough, Tom. - Not bad, I've been in much worse.

578. Really?

579. Not a good time to read a map, Jer.

580. Guys, I wanna pull over. I need to take some Dramamine...

581. I got the stern. Work the bow, work the bow, Jer.

582. Guys, let's pull over.

583. This is exactly what you'd expect. We're doing great.

584. Tom, guide us to the bank.

585. - Watch the current. - Trees! Trees left!

586. No problem. That's typical river behavior.

587. - Rocks! Rocks! Keep rowing! - Tom, you're not guiding us right!

588. I'm not having the fun you promised me!

589. Just keep rowing!

590. - Follow my lead! - Terrible!

591. Same stroke, same stroke!

592. - Tom? - Yes?

593. - It's getting big. - No problem.

594. Like, real big.

595. - I'm in over my head! - What?

596. - Don't tell me that! - I'm in over my head!

597. Please don't tell me that!

598. Forward! No, backstroke! Backstroke!

599. Come on!

600. Dano!

601. Tom!

602. Help!

603. Jerry! Help!

604. - Dan! I'm coming! - Do you see me?

605. - Dan! - Jerry!

606. - Dano! - Throw it! Jer!

607. Catch the rope!

608. I got you! Dano!

609. - Dan, come on, baby, I got you. - Hypothermia!

610. - I'm gonna get hypothermia! - Come on!

611. You all right? Hold on.

612. - Tom! Tommy! - Tom!

613. In here, boys!

614. We made it!

615. That's how you go down the rapids!

616. - All right, get in. - Get up.

617. - I about shit. Did you about shit? - I about shit.

618. - I did shit. - Oh, shit.

619. - Oh, shit? What "oh, shit"? - What? What, what?

620. - Oh, shit! - Oh, shit!

621. I don't believe this.

622. Tom,

623. - where were you a river guide? - San Dimas.

624. - Raging Waters? - Yeah.

625. They had some serious rapids there, man.

626. - What, class toddler? - Hey, I was employee of the month

627. at the Monsoon Lagoon.

628. - I knew you were lying. - Great.

629. - You did? - I knew it.

630. Well, you're the reason that we had to launch the boat

631. in the wrong part of the river.

632. Hey, I am not the navigator-map guy.

633. Okay, Jerry, didn't you see on the map that the river split?

634. I would've, if your friend, the big-ass bear, didn't eat the map.

635. Hold on a sec. Tom?

636. Were you really employee of the month?

637. No. I lied about that, too.

638. I must have been crazy. I...

639. All right. This trip is officially over. This is finished! Let's...

640. - Let's just go home. - I agree. That's a great decision.

641. All we gotta do is jump up over that 100-foot waterfall,

642. swim upstream 20 miles, get the sheriff on the phone,

643. he liked us, I remember, and he'll send out a rescue boat. And...

644. Hey, there's a beer in the river. Cool.

645. Look at this, it's cold.

646. We are in serious trouble, my friends.

647. All data points to us being... How do you humans say it?

648. Completely screwed?

649. Yeah. You know, that is... That's a good way to say it.

650. I mean, it pretty much sums it up.

651. I suspect Tom is drunk.

652. I didn't wanna say anything because

653. - he's such a live wire... - You guys, we're fine.

654. We got the compass. I've got Billy's compass!

655. - Look, that's east, west, north. - East...

656. - That's south. - That's south! That's south!

657. That's great!

658. - What? - Sorry.

659. It only works with the map.

660. So you're saying you lost the map? You don't have it?

661. No. I'm saying I forgot to hold on to it

662. while my ass was free-falling over a 100-foot waterfall.

663. So you don't have it?

664. Hey, do you hear that?

665. - Hell, yeah. - Hey, that sounds like Creed.

666. I never thought I'd be happy to hear anything that sounds like Creed.

667. Lights.

668. Thank you, God. Civilization.

669. - Look at that. - They have a fire.

670. - You think they're cooking food? - I hope so. I am starving.

671. - Damn it, Elwood. This blade is dull. - Ain't my fault.

672. - See how I popped off that fish head? - What is it?

673. I told you not to use my Buck knife.

674. How you like me now, fish?

675. You ain't so tough without a head, huh?

676. What's that? You can't hear me?

677. That's right, 'cause you don't have ears,

678. 'cause you don't have a head, 'cause I cut it off!

679. Okay, that's... I mean, that's a little weird, right?

680. - We should get out of here. - Listen, I say we just try talking...

681. Shut it.

682. What the hell was that?

683. - Is that a gun? - That's a gun.

684. Must've been a possum.

685. Boll weevil.

686. - Guns and fish heads... - It's okay, Dano, relax.

687. We'll just lay low. We'll get out of here in a second.

688. - Hey. - Yeah?

689. - These guys are pot farmers. - What? How do you know that?

690. Oh, boy. We should go.

691. Lynyrd. Skynyrd. Come here.

692. Don't you go spoil them dogs.

693. Lots of vitamins in these fish heads.

694. Look at that. Skynyrd likes fish heads almost as much as you do.

695. Do you think they saw us?

696. No, I don't.

697. - What are you doing? - What?

698. I'll write you a prescription. Let's go.

699. - Come on. - All right.

700. On my go. Ready?

701. Go, go, back here. Come on.

702. Hey, guys. Listen. We don't want any trouble.

703. We just got lost on the river, you know?

704. - Hey, can we use your phone? - Of course.

705. And... Who cares, you know?

706. - Let's go through there. - Where? There's no door.

707. - Lynyrd, Skynyrd! Get them! - Come on, Dano.

708. - Good work, buddy. - Thanks.

709. - Let's go. - Come on, Dano.

710. Come on!

711. Go, go, go! This way!

712. What did you do?

713. Flares! Why are there flares?

714. Great mother of ganja.

715. Come on! I see them! I got them!

716. - Hey, boys, come back here. - We ain't gonna hurt you, boys!

717. - We just wanna talk to you. - There they are. Right there!

718. Damn it, you head to the left, and I'll cut them off.

719. - Go, go, go! - They're shooting!

720. I think I got them, Dennis!

721. They're shooting at us! Run!

722. Come on, Dennis, I'm gonna get them!

723. Just keep going!

724. Damn it! I can't see nothing through this smoke!

725. - We're dead. We're dead! - We're dead!

726. - We're dead! - They're gonna... They're gonna...

727. We're gonna die!

728. You set the security flares too close, Elwood.

729. The whole damn field's on fire.

730. Where the hell are the damn dogs?

731. You guys gotta promise me that

732. you'll never tell my patients that I got stoned,

733. because if they found out I got stoned, they'll think that I'm a stoner.

734. The next thing you know, I won't have a license anymore.

735. And they'll take away all my instruments and my coat and my office,

736. and I won't have a parking space anymore.

737. I just don't wanna lose all my stuff. I lost my legs...

738. Great. We got us a couple of weed freaks.

739. What the hell are they looking at?

740. Get up, you stoner dogs!

741. Get up. Get up.

742. You gotta move your legs. Move your legs.

743. I think I see them.

744. They got laser scopes. They had you pinned.

745. Dudes.

746. Dudes, dudes. Seriously. Seriously.

747. I will give you four cows for Denise's hand in marriage.

748. I'll give them something to laugh about.

749. Matrix.

750. My back.

751. Cut them off at the river.

752. Jerry, Jerry.

753. Billy! Jesus, Billy!

754. - I miss you. - You gonna find D.B.'s treasure?

755. I'm just trying to make it out of here alive.

756. Don't give up. Keep looking. Hey, is it cool to be a grown-up?

757. Not really, my man.

758. Stop! Stop! You're gonna run into...

759. We can't outrun them. We gotta hide.

760. - Quick, hide. - How? How?

761. Let's get them!

762. Man, our whole crop is burning! Those assholes are dead!

763. And the bodies that are attached to them are dead, too!

764. Dead! D-E-A-D! Dead!

765. - Assholes! A-S-S-H-O... - Stop spelling!

766. - Come on, you're dead! - We're gonna get you!

767. - You can only run so far! - And you can never hide!

768. - Bullfrogs. - I hate bullfrogs. They're nasty.

769. Don't waste the ammo.

770. Come on, they must've headed up towards the river.

771. - It crawled straight in my stomach. - Let's go.

772. I think it laid its eggs in my stomach.

773. You think they're still following us?

774. I don't wanna stop and find out. Just keep going.

775. It's not all burnt. I think we're gonna be okay.

776. - You think? - Yeah.

777. - You think? - Yeah.

778. Damn it. It's all burnt. Now, I knew it, Dennis. It's all burnt. Every bit.

779. - They burned it. - Oh, yeah.

780. - Believe it. - It's all burnt.

781. The whole damn field is burnt. But we got a bigger problem, Elwood!

782. We got three bona fide yuppies out there,

783. lost somewhere, and we gotta track them.

784. We gotta catch them and we gotta kill them.

785. I think we can slow down. I haven't heard dogs or guns for hours.

786. Yeah? You slow down, get a stick of dynamite up your ass.

787. Calm down, Daniel, we're gonna be all right.

788. No, we're not, Jerry. We could really die out here.