Win a Date with Tad Hamilton! (2004)

1. And now for all you romantics out there, this one is for you.

2. Hello, Betty.

3. Shouldn't you be at the hospital, looking after a certain other soldier?

4. Is there any way you can find it in your heart to forgive me?

5. I wonder if these two get together.

6. Shh!

7. I'll forgive you on one condition.

8. What's that?

9. Dance with me.

10. Explain one thing to me.

11. What kind of desperate and pathetic emotional cripple

12. would actually buy that as an ending?

13. Rosie - Mm-hmm?

14. Do you think that in real life,

15. Tad Hamilton is the man he seems to be on the screen?

16. Oh, absolutely - Yeah?

17. I mean, you just can't fake that kind of thing.

18. What do you think Tad Hamilton is doing right now?

19. I'll bet he's in church.

20. Watch this.

21. Yeah!

22. - Told you that was him, right? - Yeah.

23. Mmm, Tad Hamilton.

24. You don't make it easy on us, Tad.

25. What do you mean?

26. This is the shot the paparazzi got.

27. Congratulations You're actually drinking, driving, smoking,

28. leering and groping at the same time.

29. Which, on the one hand, is just about the coolest thing I've ever seen.

30. Richard.

31. But on the other hand,

32. it can be argued that this might be a little bad for the image.

33. You play characters who have heart.

34. This is a person who will have a heart attack.

35. I can't believe you guys are blaming my unemployment on this photograph.

36. Okay, first of all, you are not unemployed.

37. Dockworkers are unemployed.

38. You are simply between million-dollar paydays.

39. As are we, since we both get a percentage of your payday.

40. But this isn't about us.

41. Whatever happened to that part in the Jimmy Ing movie?

42. I'm perfect for that.

43. Well, he's taking a breath.

44. - He's what? - He's taking a breath.

45. He's pausing before deciding.

46. He's hemming and hawing and pausing and taking a breath.

47. And this is only going to make him breathe more.

48. Well, what do we do?

49. We figure out a way to asphyxiate the son of a bitch.

50. - We generate a little positive PR. - What are you, an interpreter now?

51. I'm saying we just need to do something, Tad,

52. to remind Jimmy Ing and America that you are the boy next door.

53. Hey, hey I am the boy next door,

54. if you happen to live in a very dysfunctional neighborhood.

55. Congratulations. You've eaten your body weight in Pringles.

56. What's your favorite Pringle?

57. Sour Cream and Onion or Original?

58. Well, the Sour Cream and Onion has a very strong taste.

59. So if you're eating a small amount, say, half a can, you want that strength.

60. But if you're eating much more than that, you want the Original.

61. It's a cleaner flavor.

62. Wait until you discover Barbecue flavor You'll finally become a woman.

63. How's Modern Grocer

64. treating you over there, Pete?

65. Hey, this is the swimsuit issue.

66. Mmm.

67. Oh, my God - What is it?

68. - Win a date with Tad Hamilton. - What?

69. It's to benefit Save the Children.

70. - Oh, that is so like him. - Saving children I know.

71. Aw!

72. Should I enter?

73. Why not?

74. Sure. Heaven is just a mouse click away.

75. A mouse click and 100-buck donation.

76. Oh, we can raise 100 bucks.

77. With your permission, Petey.

78. I'm sorry?

79. - Paper or plastic? - Paper, please.

80. And would you help Rosalee win a date with Tad Hamilton

81. and help Save the Children?

82. I certainly would.

83. - Aren't these great? - The best.

84. Along with a $125 check in recognition

85. of yet another Piggly Wiggly Store Manager of the Month Award.

86. - Congratulations. - Oh. Thank you, Mr. Ruddy.

87. So, Pete, when do we lose you to Richmond?

88. 'Cause, uh, you're running out of wall space here.

89. Well, I got my acceptance letter to Virginia State.

90. - That's good. That's good Mm-hmm. - And I got my student loan.

91. So, uh, there's just one more thing.

92. - What? - There's someone here that I.

93. That I need to have a discussion with

94. about the going-to-Richmond-with-me issue.

95. Jars are full.

96. I love everybody in this store so much.

97. Sorry for interrupting Sorry.

98. It was nice to meet you.

99. It was nice to meet you, too.

100. Good night - Good night.

101. - Are you taking off? - Yes, sir.

102. I am the Albanian one, Mr Hamilton.

103. I'm sorry.

104. Uh. Could you tell the other one

105. "much as gracias " and "hasta el pr�ximo mi�rcoles'?

106. - Will do. - Thank you.

107. Okay, what do I need to beat you?

108. Double 14, or it's all over.

109. Oh, that's not going to be a problem.

110. Don't miss. Don't miss, don't miss, don't miss, don't miss, don't miss, don't miss.

111. Um, are you actually doing that? Yeah.

112. And now Pete will get the bartendress's attention.

113. - She's waiting for you. - And we're waiting for our round, Pete.

114. Fine.

115. Angelica.

116. Yes, Pete? What is the object of your desire?

117. Um, we need another round.

118. One day, Pete, one day,

119. I know that the answer to that question will be "You, Angelica.

120. You are the object of my desire".

121. Okay.

122. But, uh, for now, we'll just go with the beers.

123. Oh, Pete.

124. Enough Thank you, ladies.

125. You don't like her the teeniest, littlest, tiniest bit?

126. What? Rosie.

127. No, I... She's not my type, okay?

128. You are so particular.

129. Who the heck are they?

130. Ugh If that fire alarm went off again.

131. Why would they send a news crew for that?

132. Wait a second.

133. Oh, my God.

134. Over here, please - Rosalee.

135. Right here, please.

136. And they said in first class cabin,

137. you get a personal DVD player and may view the film of your choice.

138. Okay I would like to touch intimately the person who thought of that.

139. Ladies and gentlemen,

140. at this time, we would like to begin boarding our first class passengers.

141. - That's you! - I know!

142. Guys, guys, guys. Just take it easy, okay?

143. Oh, Petey, just give me a hug and tell me to have a good time, would you please?

144. Okay.

145. Just, you know, just be careful, okay?

146. - What do you mean? - I mean that this guy is Tad Hamilton.

147. Okay? In his life, he's probably slept with like 15, 20 women.

148. No way That's not even physically possible.

149. Besides, like he's gonna be interested in me.

150. Okay, you know what? Here's how you'll know.

151. If at any point on your date, he claims he doesn't really like watching sports,

152. he's just trying to sleep with you.

153. - Got it. - Oh, and if he claims to love animals,

154. yeah, then he's really just trying to sleep with you.

155. - Okay. - Guys are guys, Rosie. Rich or poor.

156. Famous or grocers.

157. - Right. - Just do me one favor, okay?

158. - Guard your carnal treasure. - Okay.

159. - No, I just... Guard your carnal treasure. - Thanks, Pete.

160. Yeah - Remember everything

161. I will.

162. - Remember how he smells. - I will.

163. But not just vaguely I want good, solid similes.

164. For example,

165. "He smells like a forest on the first day of spring."

166. Okay, Cathy, let's... You're going to miss your flight, so

167. - I will bring you similes. - Thank you.

168. Ladies and gentlemen...

169. Oh, I almost forgot I got you something.

170. It's regular flavor.

171. In case you don't like the prime rib in first class.

172. Thank you, Pete.

173. Right this way.

174. - Just guard your carnal treasure! I... - I heard you.

175. - We will. - Have a safe flight, okay?

176. That's me.

177. - Welcome to Los Angeles. - Thank you.

178. Thanks.

179. Ugh.

180. - Hey. Can I have these? - No.

181. You wanna think about it?

182. Gee, I don't... What..

183. Tell me why you're making me have dinner with an Okie.

184. - There's, like, 50 Why? - Because she's wholesome,

185. wholesome as the amber waves of grain.

186. And she's not an Okie She's from West Virginia.

187. So sorry

188. I mean, you never wear 'em You've never worn 'em Can I just have 'em?

189. - So what's her name anyway? - Rosalee Futch.

190. Wow Sounds insanely hot.

191. It's very nice to meet you, Tad.

192. So nice to meet you, Tad.

193. It's great to meet you.

194. Please, just follow the rules.

195. Keep smiling for the cameras and no brown liquor or cigarettes.

196. Fine - Very good.

197. What about Jimmy Ing? Have we heard anything about that yet?

198. No Still breathing.

199. I passed Ashton Kutcher in my car, and he seemed happy about something.

200. He's happy for other reasons

201. I'm sorry. We have not heard from Jimmy Ing.

202. Hey, guys, how's this in the shoulders?

203. Seriously Because I got some yoga stuff.

204. Your films will stand the test of time.

205. Your films will stand the test of time.

206. Hi I'm Tad.

207. Your standing films will time and test themselves.

208. Thank you. Uh, you're pretty.

209. It's Roseanne, right?

210. - I'm sorry, what is it? - No, no, no.

211. Uh, Ricky?

212. - R-R. - It's Rosalee.

213. Rosalee

214. Rosalee Nice to meet you.

215. - So, you ready? - Mmm.

216. Okay, let's.

217. Yikes-a-bee.

218. So, how was your flight?

219. Your films will stand the test of time.

220. Ah.

221. Thank you.

222. - So, you ready? - For what?

223. Right this way.

224. Can I get your name?

225. Rosalee Futch - Thank you.

226. It'll take a few minutes for the spots in your eyes to go away,

227. but trust me, they will - Okay.

228. Yeah, we're right here.

229. Is it always like that?

230. Yeah, pretty much.

231. Shake-a-doo - Shake a what?

232. - Oh, it just means "Wow." - Ah.

233. Shake-a-doo Shake-a-doo, I like that.

234. So.

235. - You excited? - Are you kidding?

236. - This is like a fairy tale. - Yeah, I figured.

237. - You okay? - Oh, yeah.

238. I'm just not used to sitting sideways like this.

239. Mmm.

240. We don't have sideways seating in West Virginia.

241. And I think the cigarette smoke is kind of.

242. You can come sit back here if you like.

243. Uh, I can't really move right now.

244. Boy, I don't feel well

245. I've always been kind of motion sickness-y.

246. Once, this carnival came to Fraziers Bottom,

247. and they had that ride where it spins around

248. and you have to stand against the side and the center falls out.

249. And I, um - Damn it.

250. I

251. Pardon me.

252. Ah!

253. This is so far from the way I imagined the evening going.

254. No Hey, hey, it's, uh.

255. It's perfectly all right Right, Mickey?

256. Perfectly all right.

257. Shall we?

258. Have a nice dinner I'll just be out here scrubbing.

259. - Hey, Steve. - Thanks, Mr Hamilton This way.

260. - Good to see you. - Good to see you, Larry.

261. - Hey, Tad! - Hey, man, how are ya?

262. Hi, Tad - Tad, what's up?

263. Hey.

264. This way.

265. Would you like red wine?

266. Doesn't it hurt, smiling like that all the time?

267. You get used to it Yeah.

268. - Should I do it? - Yeah.

269. You might not be able to hold it for very long, but go for it.

270. Sure I will.

271. See that? It sort of gets you right there.

272. That's horrible - I told you.

273. - You sure do have a lot of stuff. - Oh, yeah, sorry

274. I gotta make sure I'm never out of touch with people who torture and torment me.

275. Who are they?

276. - Agents, managers, people like that. - Oh.

277. This man, Jimmy Ing, who's making this movie

278. which I'm exactly right for but, for whatever reason, he's taking a breath.

279. - A what? - He's thinking it over.

280. Oh.

281. It's just all very competitive, this business, that's all.

282. Everybody seems to be chasing the same thing.

283. The same parts in the same movies, the same awards, the same big money.

284. Well, I'm sure you have much too much common sense to get caught up in all that.

285. I mean, it's just a recipe for an unsatisfying life.

286. Mmm.

287. Obviously you have your priorities straight, so.

288. So, Rosalee, what do you do?

289. I work in a Piggly Wiggly.

290. - I'm sorry? - A supermarket.

291. Ah - I bag and check.

292. Cool.

293. Yeah It's a real dream come true.

294. But it's fun. My two best friends work there.

295. So, um.

296. What do you do, Tad?

297. Oops.

298. What I mean is, what do you do when you're not doing what you do?

299. Uh, not a lot, you know.

300. There's not a lot of time left for hobbies, really.

301. And I don't really like watching sports, so, I, uh, I read.

302. Play with my dog, my cat, my bird, you know.

303. I-I-I.. I love animals.

304. - You know? - Mmm.

305. What do you think they're doing right now?

306. Mmm, I bet they're in her hotel room,

307. straining for breath.

308. His manhood yearning to be free.

309. Her hands running over the ripples in his abdomen.

310. Her perfect bosom crying out in ecstasy.

311. Oh, great.

312. All righty.

313. - I had one of those. - A retainer?

314. Yeah Yeah, on the lowers and a night brace for the uppers

315. I had really bad teeth as a kid.

316. Yeah, I'm sure you were a real ugly duckling.

317. I was like anybody else. You know, a little gawky, unsure who I was.

318. Combination skin.

319. - Well, you came together nicely. - Thank you.

320. So did you.

321. Bon app�tit.

322. Mm-hmm.

323. Thanks, Mickey.

324. Oh, wow.

325. This is beautiful.

326. These people sure leave a lot of lights on.

327. It's beautiful.

328. It is.

329. And you, if I may say so, are also very beautiful.

330. How would you like to come back to my house for a little bit?

331. Um.

332. Sure. For a little bit.

333. - Shake-a-doo? - No, shake-a-doo.

334. Good.

335. Miss Ramirez

336. Sonja.

337. Anybody in the casa?

338. All right.

339. I think we're all alone.

340. Oh.

341. Do you want to come in a little further?

342. Um.

343. You know what, Tad, thank you, but I think I should be getting back to the hotel.

344. Wow.

345. Okay Uh.

346. I don't want the concierge to worry, you know?

347. Good for you.

348. Good for you Well, uh.

349. - I'll take you home. - Oh, no, no.

350. You don't have to do that You're already here.

351. No No, no, no. It would be my pleasure.

352. Okay, thanks That's really nice.

353. Rosalee, it's been wonderful to meet you.

354. I wish you only good things in life.

355. And to me, wonderfulness too.

356. And to you, only the self same good wishes.

357. - You know what I'm saying? - Yeah, of course.

358. - Thanks for the best night of my life. - No, thank you.

359. May I give you a kiss goodbye?

360. Oh, I think you might maybe may.

361. Good evening - Thank you.

362. Good night, Rosalee.

363. Sweet dreams.

364. God!

365. The limo door swung open.

366. My foot hit the ground

367. and I turned to take one last look at Tad.

368. At those eyes, at that smile.

369. And then, regretfully, I headed back for the hotel.

370. Mmm.

371. Please tell me we're done now.

372. We're done - Wow

373. I cannot remember a time

374. before you started telling that story

375. Peter, I was asked to provide a detailed description of the evening.

376. Yeah, and you did Actually, Rosie, you did a great job

377. I really felt like I was there.

378. Sort of against my will, but I did.

379. Okay, uh, guys, with your permission,

380. I think we should all now return to our normal lives.

381. Okay.

382. Actually, uh.

383. Rosie, I kind of had something that I wanted to ask you.

384. Rosie.

385. Whatever.

386. Um, it's something that I think you're going to like.

387. Or I hope you're going to like.

388. Something I really hope you're going to like.

389. It's kind of been a long time coming, so it might be kind of a surprise.

390. Or not, or maybe not I don't know

391. I'm like, "Ah!"

392. Look Okay, look, what I'm trying to say is that..

393. I

394. Hey.

395. Let me ask you.

396. What would be the absolute worst thing that could happen to me right now?

397. Hi.

398. Hi.

399. I'm Tad.

400. Oh, uh, this is my Cathy friend.

401. - Hey. - And my Pete friend.

402. Hey, I'm Tad.

403. It's quite pleased and pleasant to.

404. Uh, I've heard a lot about you both.

405. - Have you? - Yeah Yeah.

406. - So what are you doing here? - I came to see you.

407. - No way You're just... That's just. - Yeah No Yeah.

408. - You can't. Here? - It's true.

409. You mean to say your normal business itinerary

410. does not include Fraziers Bottom, West Virginia?

411. No.

412. Okay, Cathy.

413. Okay.

414. - So, am I too late to take you to lunch? - No. Huh-uh.

415. - Great Shall we? - Yeah.

416. - Um, if that's okay, Pete. - Well, actually...

417. - If that's okay, Pete. - Yeah, no It's okay.

418. At which point, Tad, if you're going back to the airport, I'll ride with you.

419. And by the route 73 Cloverleaf, I will have given myself to you

420. in ways you have only read about in the drugstore.

421. - It was great to meet you. - You too.

422. Oh, was there something that you wanted to tell me?

423. You know, it was nothing.

424. Okay.

425. Wow Nice car - Thanks

426. I asked the manager at the rental place for a convertible,

427. and he gave me his wife's car.

428. Really?

429. And that was the last time we ever saw her.

430. Cathy, he's not her type.

431. No Rich, famous, handsome, ass like cement.

432. You are absolutely right.

433. Move these cheeseburgers.

434. All right Here you go, sweet pea.

435. Oh, my gosh.

436. - Here you go, Rosie. - Thanks.

437. Thank you - Mm-hmm.

438. Thank you - Thank you.

439. I still can't believe you're here.

440. It was something I had to do.

441. Sure, fly clear across the country to have lunch at the Fraziers Bottom Diner

442. I couldn't let the other night be the last time I ever saw you.

443. Can I stop you right there and remind you of one thing?

444. - What's that? - I'm nobody

445. Rosalee, nobody is nobody.

446. Fine - I'm following my gut.

447. Sometimes you have to do that, even if what you're doing seems crazy.

448. Because

449. in the gap between what prudence says we should do

450. and what our heart tells us we must do, well, Rosie,

451. therein lies our humanity.

452. That's from The Road to El Dorado.

453. We...

454. - You really are a big fan, aren't you? - Mm-hmm.

455. Is that how you get women? You steal lines from your own movies?

456. Not anymore Wow

457. I hope not, 'cause that would seriously shoot a hole in your credibility.

458. Okay, Rosie, the truth is

459. that when we went on our date, you said something that really resonated with me.

460. You said you were sure I had my priorities straight.

461. But here's the thing. I don't

462. I really don't.

463. My entire life since I was a teenager has been about becoming successful,

464. becoming famous, becoming this thing that I am.

465. And you were right, it really is unsatisfying

466. I need a positive influence

467. I need somebody with solid and substantial qualities,

468. somebody who seems to understand life

469. and how to live it in a good and happy way, like you.

470. I just want to be around you

471. I want some of that goodness to rub off on me.

472. Do you mean goodness in a romantic way?

473. No, no. I mean a platonic goodness And I mean that very seriously.

474. No funny business here.

475. Did I say something wrong?

476. No No, no, no. No.

477. So, um, are you going to be in Fraziers Bottom for a while, then?

478. I think I have to.

479. If I'm going to reset my priorities, I got to get out of LA. I got to.

480. I got to get out of that fishbowl.

481. So, what do you say?

482. I say, yikes-a-bee.

483. What does that mean?

484. Oh, it's just something my dad and I say when life surprises you in the way it does

485. and there's nowhere to go but forward.

486. - Is that like "yes"? - Yes.

487. Yes.

488. Thanks for lunch.

489. - I'll see you at 7:00, then. - See you at 7:00.

490. Okay - Okay.

491. Stop. Seriously.

492. You go, girl You get your man.

493. It's room eight.

494. Just go down to the door marked eight.

495. - All right. - Um, it's just past seven.

496. And if you hit nine, you've gone too far.

497. - Got you. No phone calls, please. - All right.

498. Thank you - Have a great night.

499. - You too. - Uh, I'll see you tomorrow.

500. Very good - I'm on at 11:00.

501. Okay.

502. Huh.

503. He wants your goodness to rub off on him

504. - I know, right? - I see.

505. And you actually believe this?

506. - Why wouldn't I? - Wow, Rosie Wow.

507. There's innocent, there's childlike and then there's just asking for it.

508. - Okay, Pete. - He wants your goodness to rub off on him?

509. He wants your ass to rub off on him

510. is more like it.

511. Oh, my God - Yeah Whatever.

512. You can't go out with him tonight anyway.

513. What do you mean I can't go out tonight?

514. I mean that I need you to stay for the late shift.

515. Uh, Janine's sick Yeah, she's got a cough.

516. - She does not. - Yeah, no, not yet, but, uh, she will.

517. She's definitely coming down with something.

518. No, she's not.

519. Janine, cough for me - Huh?

520. Cough for me, Janine.

521. - See? God, it's all in your lungs. - What is?

522. - Nothing, Janine. You're fine. - No, you're not.

523. Kindly do not tell my employees when they are and are not fine.

524. She's fine.

525. Even if she weren't, you'd have to find somebody else to take the late shift,

526. because I am going out with Tad Hamilton.

527. Stop that.

528. You know, I did feel something in my lungs.

529. You're not getting off tonight, Janine.

530. Bob, not now.

531. - Everywhere Inn. - Yeah Uh..

532. Do you guys have any other rooms?

533. Or how about suites?

534. Oh, well, yeah, we got sweets We got some lollies here by the register

535. if you want to come on by and get yourself a lolly.

536. No, I mean maybe something a little bigger or newer?

537. - Bigger and newer? - Yes, I understand what you mean.

538. And no No, we don't have suites like that.

539. Okay, I guess that's cool.

540. That's cool, I guess.

541. - Can you hold on a second? - Yes Yes, sir.

542. Hello.

543. - Hi, big guy. - Hey!

544. Where are you?

545. I'm at a motel in Fraziers Bottom, West Virginia.

546. Okay Words I never heard anyone utter.

547. - She's special, Richard. - Who?

548. The girl from the charity thing.

549. - The Win-A-Date girl? - Yeah.

550. You flew to a place actually called Fraziers Bottom, West Virginia,

551. and are staying in a motel in order to nail the Win-A-Date girl?

552. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa

553. I don't want to nail her Please don't put it in those terms.

554. Oh Forgive me, Lord Byron

555. - I want to be around her, you know? - Mm-hmm.

556. She has a goodness.

557. - Right. - There's a lot I can learn from her

558. I'm trying to feed my soul, okay?

559. I'm trying to find a way to actually be happy.

560. You want to be happy now?

561. - This is big for me, Richard. - Oh, God.

562. - This is a turning point for me. - That's what you think today.

563. But by the end of the week. When you've nailed her.

564. You're going to feel differently.

565. And what do you suppose happens then?

566. - I don't... - I will tell you what happens then.

567. You pulverize her heart.

568. And then the press finds out, and all the good

569. that was done by the Win-A-Date promotion gets washed away.

570. And Jimmy Ing continues breathing.

571. A person like you cannot have a relationship with a girl from Montana.

572. - West Virginia. - Whatever it is.

573. - Why not? - You're too different.

574. Your values are different.

575. For example, she has them.

576. No, this can work.

577. It can't, and when it ends, it's very bad for business.

578. There are more important things than business, for God sakes.

579. I don't even know who I'm talking to now Hello? Hello? Is this Tad?

580. - What have you done with Tad? - I gotta go, okay?

581. No, you don't You do not gotta go What you gotta is understand

582. that you're going through some kind of a phase right now.

583. Some kind of an extreme version of your normal in-between-jobs insanity.

584. - Yeah. - And it has a hold of you.

585. You need to come back to LA,

586. have a Bushmills and a Percocet,

587. go out on a date with an actress looking to advance her career

588. and put an end to all this self-destructive behavior.

589. - Um, I'll talk to you soon. - No No, Tad. Bad Tad.

590. - Bye, Richard. - Don't hang up on me.

591. Ow!

592. - Hello? - Yes, Mr. Hamilton I am here, sir.

593. You wouldn't happen to have a masseuse on staff, would you?

594. Uh, no, but I am a very fast learner,

595. and I could, um...

596. You know, I could... Hello?

597. Coming.

598. You must be Tad.

599. Must be You are Tad I know what you look like.

600. - Nice to meet you, Mr Futch. - Henry, for God's sake.

601. Please, come in - Thank you.

602. - Rosie'll be down in a minute. - Okay, great.

603. May I offer you a chocolate martini?

604. - Wow Look at that. - I hear they're very big out your way.

605. Yeah? Yeah, I guess they are.

606. I'm driving, so.

607. Attaboy.

608. Have a seat - Yeah.

609. So, you know, it looks like, uh, Emperor's New Clothes

610. will top $100 mil in domestic BO, huh?

611. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

612. And that Quantum Studios, I think they're looking to vertically integrate,

613. either by buying a web or a web let.

614. Could be.

615. Oh, yes Yeah.

616. - Hey. - Hi

617. - I see you've met Dad. - Yeah We've been talking shop.

618. So what do you want to do tonight?

619. Well, uh, do you guys have a movie theater?

620. The Warner.

621. It's part of the Loews family of theaters.

622. Ah.

623. - Oh, have you seen King Arthur of Britain? - I've been wanting to.

624. Well, you two enjoy yourselves.

625. Have her back by dawn And no cocaine, huh?

626. No, sir.

627. - How was I? - You were great, Daddy.

628. Okay.

629. Good night - Bye-bye.

630. - I'm telling you, that's him. - Oh, yeah.

631. - Mom, I swear it's him. - You think so?

632. Yes, it's Tad Hamilton.

633. You look so sad there.

634. Give me a break. I'd just lost my wife and my goat.

635. Next week on a very special Paramedic Rescue.

636. And what were your respective ages?

637. I was 12 and she, uh, was 30.

638. Did your mother know?

639. Yeah!

640. Hasta el pr�ximo mi�rcoles.

641. So, what do people do at this point in the evening

642. in Fraziers Bottom, West Virginia?

643. - Well, they go to the diner. - We could do that.

644. We haven't eaten anything in almost, what, 15 minutes.

645. - Or they go home. - Well, it is a school night, so.

646. Of course, if it were a date, we might go to the Watergap Overlook.

647. And what do people do there?

648. They park.

649. And then?

650. And then they marvel at what a feat of engineering the gap is.

651. But, you know, this isn't a date We can't do that.

652. - No. - No.

653. Rosalee, I don't want to do anything that might harm the friendship.

654. Me neither.

655. Over two trillion tons of water

656. pass through the gap every hour.

657. That's enough water to float a battleship.

658. Or to put out every fire in West Virginia.

659. No kidding.

660. Uh-oh.

661. Excuse me.

662. Huh.

663. - Hello. - Hi, Mr Futch Uh, it's Pete.

664. Hiya, Pete Rosie's not here.

665. She's out with Tad Hamilton.

666. Really? I hadn't... Okay, cool Well, good for her then.

667. Yeah, he seems like a very nice guy.

668. He does A lovely.

669. Lovely guy So, like, where'd they go?

670. - The movies. - Oh, the mo vies. Okay.

671. Well, it looks like the 7:00 would get out at 8:45, 8:50.

672. Or so someone happened to just mention to me in passing.

673. So I guess that would put them out and about

674. and onto their

675. next activity

676. I guess it would, Pete I'll leave Rosie a note that you called.

677. Oh, yeah, I just had a little inventory question.

678. A little dairy case query.

679. But, you know, we can clear that up tomorrow.

680. Okay, Pete Goodbye.

681. All right.

682. Rosie - Huh?

683. Hi Can I see your driver's license and Regis...

684. Yikes-a-bee - Hello, Officer

685. Rosalee?

686. - Hi, Tom. - Hi.

687. Wow.

688. - Oh, boy. - Okay, then.

689. We heard you were in town, Mr Hamilton.

690. - Did you? - Yeah Pretty fond of our Rosalee there?

691. Uh, yes. Yes, I am, Officer.

692. - Tom? - Oh. Right, right, listen.

693. We, uh, we got a call saying that there was someone parked here

694. and, well, you know it's illegal after sunset, so.

695. - You got a call at this hour? - Yeah, got a call.

696. From who, a raccoon?

697. Uh.

698. Never mind

699. I am going to kill that Pete,

700. bring him back to life and then kill him again.

701. Okay, calm down Calm down.

702. - Well, why aren't you upset? - Because it doesn't matter.

703. Okay?

704. What happened here tonight

705. was a force of nature.

706. Yeah.

707. Two people set out to be friends, but.

708. Nature would have none of it.

709. Nature wanted them to be more.

710. And nature is going to want that tomorrow.

711. A price check, Red Delicious apples.

712. What did I tell you?

713. What did I tell you about your carnal treasure?

714. - You said to guard it. - I said guard it.

715. And what did you do? You practically chucked it at him.

716. You're acting like it was some sleazy night It wasn't. It was classy.

717. That's right It's not like he took you to the movies, then felt you up in his car.

718. The evening evolved, Pete.

719. My God, did he actually say that?

720. It started out as two friends going to the movies.

721. - And it evolved into dry humping. - He fought it.

722. He didn't want to do anything that might wreck the friendship.

723. Wow I, um...

724. Wow Did he actually I can't believe he used that line.

725. - And I can't believe that you bought it. - It's not a line.

726. Okay, fellas, a show of hands.

727. Who here has used some form

728. of the "don't want to harm the friendship" line?

729. Oh.

730. - Father Newell? - Well, prior to my enfrockment.

731. Rosie, what are Tad's pectorals like to the touch?

732. Are they warm yet firm like.

733. - Cath, that's really not helping now. - Sorry, Pete, got caught up.

734. Thanks Listen, Rosie, just.

735. Listen to me, bottom line.

736. Tad Hamilton is an actor, okay?

737. How do you know that he's not acting with you?

738. He's not acting - No.

739. He is He's playing a role.

740. The role of Hollywood bad boy trying to find virtue.

741. Okay, after you guys have.

742. After you guys have, like, been together a couple times

743. he's out of here, okay?

744. You will never see him again.

745. Hey, Rosie, guess what? I bought a house

746. I bought a house Can you believe it?

747. Can you believe it?

748. It's actually a farm with a house and a silo for my wheat.

749. - Really? You bought a house. Huh. - I bought a house.

750. We're putting down roots, baby.

751. - So what do you think of that? - I think that's good.

752. Come see it Maybe after work?

753. - I'd love to. - Yeah, I'd love to.

754. Great.

755. So he's going to stay in the motel while he fixes up the farm.

756. Like, he's a farmer all of a sudden?

757. I think he'll be a good farmer.

758. Rosie, he's from Malibu, California, okay?

759. The only thing they grow there are breasts.

760. Could you smile a little bit?

761. - This means nothing. - You are unbelievable.

762. What? Rosie, people like this buy houses all the time.

763. - It's called a tax shelter. - Oh, Peter

764. I can guarantee you that by the end of today,

765. Tad's farm and his house

766. and fricking wheat will be right back on the market.

767. Why? What are you going to do?

768. Nothing You know, just be a good neighbor.

769. Howdy.

770. - Tad, this place is unbelievable. - Thanks, little lady.

771. Well, this barn sits on what they call the "South 40".

772. Yeah I'm not sure exactly how many acres that is,

773. but I'm gonna guess that's a lot.

774. Yeah

775. I'm going to guess 40.

776. Oh, yeah Could be.

777. Hey, Tad, being a new farm owner and all,

778. I mean, I know you'll probably get some people to run this place for you, but.

779. Hell, I'd be happy to show you a couple of everyday farm chores.

780. Really? Pete, that... Wow, that'd be great Thank you.

781. Oh, Tad, that's not a problem.

782. What you're going to do here is grab on to one of the...

783. The... the

784. essentially, one of the nipples,

785. and, you know, just pull it firmly but gently towards the pail.

786. Now, you're going to freak out a.

787. Mmm Look at all that creamy milk. That a girl, Arleen That a girl.

788. Boy, you are making old Tad thirsty.

789. Where'd you learn to do that?

790. Pete, you remember my remake of The Grapes of Wrath?

791. Okay, so, the trick is to take a full swing

792. so as to split the log in one swift

793. stroke.

794. Okay.

795. Yeah Let's do this.

796. Hey, so, uh, you work out?

797. - No. - Yeah, me neither

798. I know, it's like. Me neither.

799. Okay Uh, it's just basically one swift stroke.

800. Okay And sometimes, you know, basically, you get a bad piece of wood. Basically.

801. And, you know, sometimes you don't That's...

802. That's good Beginner's luck. First time's the charm.

803. And the luck continues That's great for you, man

804. Pete, did you ever see a movie I did called A Man Named Jackson?

805. If it came out, Tad..

806. Then I saw it.

807. No, I just... I think the ax is actually broken. Yeah, no...

808. You got it. Good Yeah Huh.

809. Get someone else to cry, 'cause I don't cry, okay?

810. I don't do that.

811. Which is why I try to stay away from melodramas.

812. Oh, my God I finally did it.

813. People, are you watching this? Rosie.

814. Telling you now..

815. Whoa!

816. Pete - Hey, Tad.

817. - Uh, hey. - Can I talk to you for a sec?

818. Yeah Sure.

819. Forgive the intrusion, but, uh.

820. No, no, no, no Please, fire away.

821. Okay Here it is.

822. You win Okay? Fair and square.

823. You win - Thank you.

824. I mean, you did have an advantage or two

825. going in, but.

826. Excuse me We're in the middle of something here.

827. Yeah, no problem.

828. I want Rosie to be happy.

829. So, I got to ask you a couple of questions.

830. Uh,

831. do you know how long she keeps her hair in straight mode and how long in curly?

832. Uh, what?

833. Or why her favorite necklace has a starfish clasp?

834. No.

835. Do you even know that she has six different smiles?

836. - She has six smiles? - Yeah.

837. One when something just flat out makes her laugh.

838. And one when she's laughing out of politeness.

839. But there's one when she makes plans.

840. One when she makes fun of herself.

841. One when she's uncomfortable. And one when.

842. One when she's talking about her friends.

843. Uh.

844. - I don't know those things yet, Pete. - No, you don't, Tad

845. I'm telling you, she is more of.

846. A treasure than you can possibly know.

847. She's not just some wholesome small-town girl,

848. some, like, good-for-you breath of fresh air.

849. Tad, she is a wonderful person with a huge heart.

850. Yeah.

851. And the kind of beauty that a guy only sees once, you know? Once.

852. Listen, Tad, if there is even a chance that you could break her heart,

853. please, just for her sake

854. walk away, man.

855. I could never break Rosalee's heart Okay?

856. Good 'Cause if you do, I swear to God,

857. I will tear you to pieces with my bare hands.

858. Or.

859. Vicious rhetoric.

860. You're a good guy, Pete.

861. But, yes, apparently not good enough.

862. - Do you mind if I. - Oh, yeah, no My bad.

863. Finish up in here I'm sorry.

864. Thanks.

865. You're a good kisser.

866. I guess it doesn't come as a shock to you to hear that.

867. No.

868. You're a really good kisser.

869. Even compared to Hollywood girls?

870. Mm-hmm.

871. Well, that's just ridiculous.

872. Oh, Tad Hamilton.

873. Your favorite two people are here.

874. - You got to be kidding me. - Who is it?

875. - Guess who? - It's my agent and my manager.

876. Taddy? Tadala.

877. This is a nightmare.

878. Housekeeping.

879. Let us in.

880. - Hey, Tad. - I'd like to apologize for.

881. Open sie zleibenshlocken.

882. Come on You're not going to be Punk'd.

883. Fellas - Tad.

884. Tad Edward Hamilton.

885. Oh, howdy, little lady - Hi.

886. Uh, my manager, Richard Levy and my agent, Richard Levy.

887. You're both named Richard Levy?

888. Who isn't?

889. You.

890. - You must be Rosalee. - Yes.

891. - Did we come at a bad time? - I hope so.

892. Actually, yes.

893. Well, Tad. Jimmy Ing stopped breathing.

894. - What? - You got the part, pal.

895. Seems he saw something that reminded him that he had to have you.

896. - It was... - It... It was.

897. - It was the body of your work. - I knew it.

898. Your credits The reality of you and who you are.

899. That's right He called me and he said, "Who am I kidding?

900. - "Tad Hamilton has to play this part" - Has to.

901. - "There's nobody else" - Nobody else.

902. Oh, fellas, I gotta tell ya,

903. I have never felt better than I do at this moment.

904. Yeah Except for that weekend in Cabo.

905. That is exactly what I...

906. - Yeah! - Exactly what I'm talking about!

907. - Easy! I've got a bad back. - Oh, man!

908. That's exactly what I'm talking about!

909. I told you all you needed was a little good career news

910. to put your head back on straight.

911. Oh, yeah!

912. - So then you're leaving? - Yes.

913. Uh-huh You've got fittings all day Monday and rehearsals start Tuesday.

914. You're back on the beam, pally.

915. Boy, things happen fast, huh?

916. Oh, my God.

917. - You're right. - No, no, no, it's fine.

918. - I'm going to turn it down. - What?

919. - What? - You are?

920. I came here vowing to change my priorities,

921. and at the first opportunity, I'm abandoning that.

922. Tad, come on.

923. You're not gonna turn down the part We both know that.

924. - Give us a minute, will you, fellas? - We will be in the lobby.

925. I wonder if they have a masseuse on staff.

926. - I want you to go with me. - What?

927. - What? - Shh!

928. She absolutely cannot go with him

929. I'm not taking the part unless you go with me.

930. Although I'm sure we could work something out.

931. - Really? - Yes, really

932. Rosie, have you been listening to anything I've been telling you?

933. I love you.

934. How many times in your life have you said that?

935. Aye, aye, aye.

936. Uh.

937. - Not counting the movies? - Not counting.

938. I've said it a few times.

939. But.

940. But I never knew what it meant.

941. I can't go with you, Tad.

942. Because you don't love me.

943. You maybe want to love me,

944. but I think what you love right now is the idea of me.

945. You can't love someone for what they stand for or what they seem to be.

946. You have to love them for their details,

947. for the things that are true of them and only them

948. I do love you for your details, Rosie.

949. You don't - Yes, I do.

950. You couldn't possibly You don't even know what they are.

951. You have six smiles - What?

952. Mmm.

953. You have six smiles Did you know that?

954. One when something really makes you laugh.

955. And one when you're just laughing out of politeness.

956. One when you're making plans,

957. and one when you're making fun of yourself.

958. One when you're uncomfortable, and one when.

959. One when you're talking about your friends.

960. - How many is that? - Like 50.

961. I told you I told you.

962. That is so much better than any speech from any of your movies

963. I had a better writer.

964. So.

965. Will you go?

966. Yes.

967. Yes!

968. - What are you thinking? - Nothing. I'm done thinking.

969. If I'm making a huge mistake, I don't even want to know.

970. Hey, you're not making a mistake.

971. You know, as a bartender,

972. you do learn to kind of recognize those customers who need to talk

973. Angelica, I'm fine.

974. But could I have, like, uh, six more of these?

975. No, Pete You really need to talk.

976. Okay.

977. Um, I think that our friend Rosie..

978. Might be falling in love with Tad Hamilton.

979. Yeah, didn't have to be a bartender to see that one coming.

980. Right, but the problem with that is

981. that I'm in love with Rosie.

982. You know.

983. I always thought that maybe you were.

984. So how much do you love her?

985. Is it love, is it big love or is it great love?

986. Wh... Like, how did... What do you mean?

987. Well, love you get over in two months.

988. Big love, two years.

989. And great love.

990. Yeah?

991. Great love changes your life.

992. Oh, my God.

993. It's great love - Yeah.

994. Isn't that great?

995. Well, you got to win her back

996. Angelica. Trust me,

997. I have tried everything.

998. Well, what did she say when you told her that you love her?

999. Well, I..

1000. Actually, maybe not everything, but, uh.

1001. What did she say when you kissed her?

1002. Okay, maybe it's more like, uh, two things I haven't tried.

1003. Well, what have you tried?

1004. I have very unsubtly implied

1005. how I feel about her.

1006. - Okay, get up. - What?

1007. - Get your ass off the barstool. - Angelica.

1008. Hey, if you feel it and you don't do everything in your power to reach for it,

1009. you are basically slapping life in the face.

1010. Hey, I hate to break it to you,

1011. but I don't stand a chance here, okay?

1012. As my father told me when I said I'd never get that job in a bar,

1013. "Honey, your odds go up when you file an application."

1014. Sure, but, um, I'm up against..

1015. Tad Hamilton.

1016. You are Tad Hamilton.

1017. - What? - Don't you see?

1018. Everybody's Tad Hamilton to somebody, Pete.

1019. Rosalee's Tad Hamilton to you.

1020. And you're Tad Hamilton to me.

1021. Angelica, thank you.

1022. So start acting like it.

1023. Okay.

1024. Yeah, okay.

1025. You are a really good bartender.

1026. Hi - Hey.

1027. Come in, come in.

1028. I have something I wanna talk to you about.

1029. - Me, too. - Really? Yeah, you go first.

1030. No, you go first - No.

1031. - Seriously, you go first. - Okay.

1032. Tad got a part in this huge movie

1033. and he asked me to go with him to California for the shoot.

1034. We leave tomorrow afternoon Isn't that great?

1035. I probably should've gone first.

1036. Why? What were you going to say?

1037. It's nothing It was nothing.

1038. Just, you know, travel safely, okay?

1039. And just really enjoy the shoot.

1040. Actually, no I remember what I was going to say.

1041. I love you, Rosie.

1042. I always have.

1043. If I've been a jerk this last week, it's because I have been fighting.

1044. I have been fighting for you.

1045. I don't want to lose you to Tad Hamilton or anyone else.

1046. You're the one.

1047. So, uh, any reaction to any of this?

1048. Because now would be an excellent time.

1049. Now? You kiss me now?

1050. You say this to me now, after 22 years of being my friend?

1051. Yes, to all questions.

1052. I'm.

1053. I have to pack I.

1054. You, um...

1055. You're telling me that you can't answer

1056. the most important question that I'll ever ask in my entire life

1057. because you have to pack?

1058. Well, not only do I have to pack, but I have a load of whites in the dryer,

1059. and my dad called my relatives from San Clemente

1060. and they're expecting me, so.. You know, it's all in the works.

1061. But this is the

1062. Rosie, what's in your heart?

1063. Um.

1064. I'm sorry.

1065. I'm sorry too.

1066. You okay, Pete?

1067. Yes, sir.

1068. Listen, Pete, obviously we've all been a little seduced

1069. by Tad Hamilton's presence.

1070. No one more so than me.

1071. But that doesn't mean I don't know at the end of the day

1072. who cares about my daughter the most

1073. and who she would be with if the world were fair.

1074. Well, it's not.

1075. No No, it's not.

1076. You know, when I was your age,

1077. I was completely in love with Eleanor Hershey.

1078. Of the chocolate Hershey's?

1079. The Hershey chocolates?

1080. She was a great girl, completely unpretentious

1081. I actually met her filling her Cadillac up with gas.

1082. Anyway, there was this French guy. He was really rich.

1083. He owned, like, France.

1084. I didn't stand a chance.

1085. It happens that way sometimes, Pete. It shouldn't, but it does.

1086. Sometimes Goliath kicks the shit out of David.

1087. It's just nobody bothers to tell that story.

1088. Well, thanks, Mr Futch.

1089. I feel much better now.

1090. - Goodbye, Mr Futch. - Take it easy, Pete.

1091. Are you sure you know what you're doing?

1092. No.

1093. Ever feel more confused or alone?

1094. No.

1095. Have a nice flight.

1096. So, we'll see you after principal photography.

1097. Yes, Daddy.

1098. You guys don't mind not flying with us, right? We kind of need our privacy.

1099. - It's fine. - Yeah We're looking forward to

1100. - our shit-ass commercial flight. - We'll be fine

1101. I always wanted a layover in Cincinnati.

1102. - We will be absolutely fine. - And, like, another one in Chicago.

1103. You know, so we'll be in LA by April?

1104. We'll be fine.

1105. It's time - Okay.

1106. Safe trip, Tad - Bye, honey.

1107. - Welcome aboard, Mr Hamilton. - Bye.

1108. Miss - Thank you.

1109. Stop it Stop it.

1110. What's the matter with you?

1111. Come on Commercial isn't so bad.

1112. Please! There's got to be room for one more!

1113. Will you pull yourself together?

1114. Thank you.

1115. Would you like a Vicodin?

1116. Jimmy, being in your movie is a privilege.

1117. In fact, it's more than a privilege It's a a-a real privilege.

1118. Hey, can I.. Do you mind if I call you back in a few minutes?

1119. Okay, thank you, sir.

1120. You okay?

1121. Mm-hmm.

1122. I'm just a little nervous for some reason.

1123. Mmm.

1124. I have a little nervous feeling in myself.

1125. - But that's only natural, right? - Yeah

1126. I mean, this is a pretty huge thing I'm doing.

1127. Kind of a great leap of faith.

1128. But I have that faith in you.

1129. So I'm fine. It's going to be great.

1130. - Good. - Can't you tell by my smile?

1131. Which one is it?

1132. - What? - What number smile is it?

1133. It's, uh.

1134. Wait, it was, uh, one.

1135. No, one was when something really made me laugh.

1136. - Right? - One and a half.

1137. Hmm.

1138. Rosie.

1139. I didn't know about your six smiles Pete told me about them.

1140. He made me swear that I wasn't going to break your heart,

1141. or he would tear me to pieces,

1142. either with his bare hands or his rhetoric.

1143. I stole the speech from Pete to get you to come here with me.

1144. I lied. And I'm sorry.

1145. And I know you're going to be very upset I just.

1146. - So Pete told you about the six smiles? - Yeah.

1147. And made you swear that you wouldn't break my heart?

1148. Mm-hmm.

1149. Or he'd tear you to pieces,

1150. with either his bare hands or his rhetoric?

1151. Yeah.

1152. That is just so

1153. adorable.

1154. What?

1155. Do you think it's possible to love someone your whole life

1156. and never really realize it

1157. until something happens that makes you see?

1158. - What's that from? - No, it's not from anything

1159. I'm just saying it to you.

1160. Oh.

1161. Wow.

1162. Man, what a week.

1163. Fell in love for the first time, got my heart broken for the first time,

1164. was honorable for the first time.

1165. Got bit in the ass for being honorable for the first time.

1166. Bought a farm.

1167. I'm sorry about the broken heart part.

1168. Do you think you could take me home now?

1169. Yeah.

1170. Gulfstream I V..

1171. Direct gate...

1172. Thank you.

1173. - Cathy. - Rosie?

1174. - Where's Pete? - He's not here.

1175. Honey, what are you doing here?

1176. What do you mean he's not here? He's always here He's Pete.

1177. No He didn't come in today.

1178. Can I borrow your car?

1179. Yes.

1180. Thank you.

1181. Pete. Pete.

1182. Not Pete.

1183. Wow.

1184. I'm just here 'cause Pete asked me to box up some stuff.

1185. Oh.

1186. - Why? Where's he going? - Richmond.

1187. And he isn't going.

1188. He's gone.

1189. He's gone to Richmond?

1190. Why?

1191. I cannot believe I am taking my work home with me.

1192. When great love is rejected, Rosalee,

1193. something inside a man dies.

1194. So all he can do is run away,

1195. where he can meet the girl he'll love second most.

1196. - Unless, um. - Unless what?

1197. Unless you can get to him before he closes the book on you.

1198. But once it's closed, it's closed.

1199. It's finished It's gone, dead.

1200. It's crushed. It's beaten It's buried.

1201. It is lost for all of time in a sea

1202. Angelica - Okay, yeah.

1203. I owe you.

1204. Go.

1205. If you've been dumped recently,

1206. give us a call on late-night talk.

1207. Let's go to line one. Scott, you're on...

1208. What? Pass me.

1209. Pete Pete!

1210. Whoa!

1211. - Are you okay? - Yeah No..

1212. Oh, no, I meant to do that.

1213. You have five smiles, Pete.

1214. One when you think someone's an idiot.

1215. One when you think someone's really an idiot.

1216. One when you're getting all dressed up.

1217. One when you're singing Barry White.

1218. And one

1219. when you're looking at me.

1220. In our area The latest satellite photos show

1221. nothing but clear skies and cool breezes for the rest of the evening.

1222. For all you lovers out there, this one's for you.

1223. I can't believe I'm going to say this, but

1224. would you like to dance?