1. He's a madman!Copy !req
2. I must warn the president!Copy !req
3. Giant spider!Copy !req
4. And they say you scientists
are supposed to be smart.Copy !req
5. The Iegendary Captain James West.Copy !req
6. And I finally got him all to myself.Copy !req
7. And surely you should feel free
to treat him just...Copy !req
8. - ... bad.
- Ohh.Copy !req
9. Um...Copy !req
10. Darling...Copy !req
11. Hold on to that for me for one second,
would you?Copy !req
12. General McGrath's boys. Waiting for y'all
for a week, you show up now.Copy !req
13. Jim. You wouldn't be working
up here tonight, now would you?Copy !req
14. Working? Now would you be working
if you were up here with you?Copy !req
15. I didn't think so.Copy !req
16. Wagon's coming!Copy !req
17. Come on, McGrath's waiting
on this stuff.Copy !req
18. Pack it up good, Virgil.Copy !req
19. Next stop, New Orleans.Copy !req
20. I'm not working!Copy !req
21. Problem solved.Copy !req
22. You can't just ram a man's personal things
into some hole like that.Copy !req
23. Is that so?Copy !req
24. I didn't mean it like that.Copy !req
25. Damn, this crate's heavy!Copy !req
26. Oh, Jim!Copy !req
27. Much as I'd like to take credit for that,
you might wanna hand me my gun.Copy !req
28. Uh-oh!Copy !req
29. Whoo!Copy !req
30. That was fun! Which one of you boys
wants to strip down and go next?Copy !req
31. Bet you do. Huh?Copy !req
32. Sure could use some clothes here!Copy !req
33. Well, well.Copy !req
34. We got us a shy nig...Copy !req
35. Pants!Copy !req
36. There was blood on the saddleCopy !req
37. And blood on the groundCopy !req
38. And a great big puddle of bloodCopy !req
39. All aroundCopy !req
40. Oh, I'm so sorry.
That won't be possible. I have...Copy !req
41. tonsillitis.Copy !req
42. I'm still waiting on my guns
and ammunition.Copy !req
43. I see my men have brought
your merchandise.Copy !req
44. General McGrath...Copy !req
45. your weapons are being delivered
as we speak.Copy !req
46. Now, shall we go upstairs
and check the merchandise?Copy !req
47. Direct me to the poot, sir.Copy !req
48. I want something young and creamy.Copy !req
49. A gamer that takes to the crop
and the spur.Copy !req
50. You drive a hard bargain.
All right, 50 cents.Copy !req
51. I'm very flattered,
but I'm just not interested.Copy !req
52. You gotta be interested.
You're a whore!Copy !req
53. I may be a whore, but I work alone!Copy !req
54. Now I'm working.Copy !req
55. Ma'am.Copy !req
56. Nitro!Copy !req
57. This is not the way
you transport nitro!Copy !req
58. Whoa!Copy !req
59. What's your name, missy?Copy !req
60. Dora.Copy !req
61. My mother's name was Dora.Copy !req
62. Oh, really?Copy !req
63. What kind of Iady are you?Copy !req
64. She's mine!Copy !req
65. I feel like a ditty.Copy !req
66. Go on, girl! Sing!Copy !req
67. Okay, it's a ditty.Copy !req
68. "Sons of the South."Copy !req
69. Here you are.Copy !req
70. Ohh.Copy !req
71. Tempo.Copy !req
72. Whoa!Copy !req
73. All right. Okay...Copy !req
74. Back on up now.Copy !req
75. General "BIoodbath" McGrath.Copy !req
76. Sons of the South, come to glloryCopy !req
77. Sons of the SouthCopy !req
78. AriseCopy !req
79. Sons of the South, come to glloryCopy !req
80. Come, come, come, ariseCopy !req
81. That's a lot of ham
for these skinny Iegs, let me tell you!Copy !req
82. Oh!Copy !req
83. That's a new one. Look!Copy !req
84. Let me out! Please!Copy !req
85. - This room's occupied.
- I'll say.Copy !req
86. Don't let the ear frighten you.Copy !req
87. I lost it at Chickamauga.Copy !req
88. Really? One can hardly notice.Copy !req
89. Would you help me undress?
I always have trouble undoing this clasp.Copy !req
90. Thank you.Copy !req
91. What's this?Copy !req
92. Why, it's a deep, deep pool.Copy !req
93. Maybe it's your old swimming hole,
general. Are you feeling sleepy?Copy !req
94. Yes, I'm sleepy.Copy !req
95. Now you'll be my Iittle doggy.Copy !req
96. When I say "speak," you'll tell me
everything. Understood?Copy !req
97. Very good. Tell me,
who's in that sack in the other room?Copy !req
98. Which scientist is it? Dr. Escobar? Speak.Copy !req
99. You can speak words, you stupid mutt.Copy !req
100. Who do you work for?
Who paid you to kidnap Escobar?Copy !req
101. No, watch the swirling spiral.
Watch the...Copy !req
102. Bad dog!Copy !req
103. Bad dog! Watch... Oh. Damn!Copy !req
104. Stay! Stay!Copy !req
105. Bad dog!Copy !req
106. Didn't mean to startle you.
Looked like you could use help.Copy !req
107. Looks can be
deceiving, dark stranger. I'm fine.Copy !req
108. I'm sure you are, ma'am.Copy !req
109. Big, sturdy gal like you
probably gets top dollar too.Copy !req
110. Here you go.Copy !req
111. Run along. I'm gonna sing
my old friend McGrath a Iullaby.Copy !req
112. I need him!Copy !req
113. You got your money. Run along!
Have a Iittle dignity.Copy !req
114. West!Copy !req
115. That'd be an awful career decision.Copy !req
116. West! West! Go! Go get him!Copy !req
117. Get Escobar out of here!Copy !req
118. Stop or I'll squeeze.Copy !req
119. U.S. Army! Stay out of my way, Iady!Copy !req
120. I'm not a Iady! I'm a U.S. marshal!Copy !req
121. Stay out of my way!Copy !req
122. "Get out of my way, get out of my way.Copy !req
123. U.S. Army.Copy !req
124. U.S. marshal."Copy !req
125. Oh, dear!Copy !req
126. Federal agents inside, sir.Copy !req
127. So Miss Lippenreider informs me,
Mr. Hudson.Copy !req
128. Still, I believe
good manners dictate...Copy !req
129. that we should send out
the welcome wagon.Copy !req
130. Now what?Copy !req
131. Whoa.Copy !req
132. Whoa, there, partner!Copy !req
133. The war may have got you
40 acres and a mule...Copy !req
134. but you can't just traipse into the
president's office. Give me that gun.Copy !req
135. What, that one?Copy !req
136. What about that one?Copy !req
137. Whoop!Copy !req
138. - That'll get you killed.
- Gentlemen!Copy !req
139. Don't make Captain West any Iater
than he already is.Copy !req
140. There've been a lot of death threats.Copy !req
141. The Cabinet made me hire
these damned detectives.Copy !req
142. Drink? Cigar?Copy !req
143. Don't mind if I do, sir.Copy !req
144. So I understand you let
General McGrath get away.Copy !req
145. That's not exactly the way it happened.Copy !req
146. - Some half-a-sissy masquerading as...
- Artemus Gordon.Copy !req
147. You know him?Copy !req
148. Of course. He's the best marshal
I've got. A kind of genius.Copy !req
149. Gordon has proven himself as a cunning
operator, with a rapacious intellect.Copy !req
150. Nothing will stop him
from completing a mission...Copy !req
151. except maybe the impulsive actions
of a headstrong cowboy.Copy !req
152. Who are you, mister?Copy !req
153. What do you mean, who am I?Copy !req
154. I am the President of the United States.Copy !req
155. Wrong answer.Copy !req
156. Who are you?Copy !req
157. I am the President of the...
I'm Artemus Gordon.Copy !req
158. How did you know?Copy !req
159. The President went to West Point.
That says Harvard.Copy !req
160. Very observant.Copy !req
161. Somebody mind telling me
what's going on?Copy !req
162. President Grant, um...Copy !req
163. Sir, these are perilous times.Copy !req
164. I was merely demonstrating how someone,
using the art of disguise...Copy !req
165. could penetrate into the very bowels
of the White House, sir.Copy !req
166. You're clever, Gordon.
One day it's going to get you killed.Copy !req
167. Like today.Copy !req
168. And, West, not every situation calls for
your approach of "shoot first...Copy !req
169. shoot Iater, shoot some more...Copy !req
170. then when everybody's dead,
try to ask a question or two."Copy !req
171. Working together will be good.Copy !req
172. - Working together?
- With all due respect...Copy !req
173. You'll work the way your
Commander in Chief tells you to.Copy !req
174. Well, I was coming to that, sir.Copy !req
175. Gentlemen, America's top scientists...Copy !req
176. in the fields of physics,
hydraulics, explosives...Copy !req
177. all kidnapped in the last year,
and all by General McGrath, it now appears.Copy !req
178. You two have been working
on the same case the whole time.Copy !req
179. Why did it take so long
to figure it out?Copy !req
180. One of us was trying to catch McGrath,
and the other was trying to marry him.Copy !req
181. We don't have time for this.Copy !req
182. Only one week, if we believe this.Copy !req
183. "General Grant,
the scientists you seek...Copy !req
184. are in my employ creating
a weapons system...Copy !req
185. beyond the pale
of contemporary imagination.Copy !req
186. I suggest you put
your affairs in order.Copy !req
187. You have one week before you will
surrender the U.S. government."Copy !req
188. The Ietter was delivered today
with that cake.Copy !req
189. - It's marzipan, isn't it?
- Careful.Copy !req
190. It's McGrath, sir.Copy !req
191. McGrath may be a vicious killer,
but a mastermind he is not.Copy !req
192. So whom do we seek?
After consulting with Intelligence...Copy !req
193. McGrath is on his way to New Orleans.
The longer we stay here...Copy !req
194. the farther he gets.
I don't need Intelligence.Copy !req
195. You'd rather rely on stupidity.Copy !req
196. I am leaving today for Utah...Copy !req
197. where the transcontinental railroads
will be joined at Promontory Point.Copy !req
198. You two are the best I've got.Copy !req
199. Put aside your differences...Copy !req
200. and find this madman,
whoever he is, and stop him.Copy !req
201. You have one week.Copy !req
202. Dismissed.Copy !req
203. Gentlemen.Copy !req
204. The Wanderer is at your disposal.Copy !req
205. Engine number five, track six.Copy !req
206. Mr. Gordon, the item you requested.Copy !req
207. Thank you.Copy !req
208. - Figures.
- My new invention.Copy !req
209. The Bi-Valve Interior Combustion
Twice-Exhausted Bi-Axle Nitro-Cycle.Copy !req
210. Save it. Got a train to catch. Hyah!Copy !req
211. Not if I catch it first.Copy !req
212. Avanti!Copy !req
213. Nice horse!Copy !req
214. Gordon!Copy !req
215. Stop the train!Copy !req
216. Hey! I'm warning you!Copy !req
217. Gordon! Stop the train!Copy !req
218. Come in. Have a seat.Copy !req
219. Stop the train!Copy !req
220. Stop smiling at me!Copy !req
221. How nice of you to drop in.Copy !req
222. All right...Copy !req
223. Let's drop the beards, the bikes,
the fake boobies.Copy !req
224. Let's set that needlepoint aside
and handle this like men.Copy !req
225. As a matter of clarification,
this is not needlepoint.Copy !req
226. This is needlepoint.Copy !req
227. I'm putting the final touches
on my Iatest invention.Copy !req
228. I call it The Impermeable.Copy !req
229. It's a vest.
When worn under clothing...Copy !req
230. it can stop any bullet,
fired even at close range.Copy !req
231. - Is that so?
- But I haven't tested it fully yet.Copy !req
232. Guns.Copy !req
233. I find them primitive and unnecessary
if one's done one's proper planning.Copy !req
234. I have always felt that allowing any
situation to degenerate into violence...Copy !req
235. constitutes a failure on my part.Copy !req
236. Well, Mr. Gordon...Copy !req
237. you failed.Copy !req
238. All right, Mr. West,
we'll settle this...Copy !req
239. like men.Copy !req
240. Ding!Copy !req
241. I love this train.Copy !req
242. - Cheers!
- Gordon!Copy !req
243. While you're down there,
feel free to make use...Copy !req
244. of my Sub-Carriage Inter-Rail
Vehicular Egressor.Copy !req
245. I designed it myself!Copy !req
246. I've been thinking.
Maybe the president's right.Copy !req
247. We should put aside our differences
and work together.Copy !req
248. Fight each other all you please.
Harm my train, I'll douse you like dogs.Copy !req
249. That's my truffle reduction sauce.Copy !req
250. Let's get on about our
president's business, shall we?Copy !req
251. - Where to?
- New Orleans.Copy !req
252. - Why don't we let Professor Morton decide?
- Who?Copy !req
253. I don't need some nobody professor
telling me where to head.Copy !req
254. Meet Professor Thaddeus Morton,
kidnapped from M.I.T. six months ago.Copy !req
255. Expert in the field of metallurgy.
Discovered in a field of alfalfa.Copy !req
256. That's a man's head.Copy !req
257. This magnetic collar was found about
six feet away, near his body.Copy !req
258. Still trying to figure that out.Copy !req
259. That's a man's head.Copy !req
260. According to the Retinal Terminus
Theory, a dying person's last image...Copy !req
261. burns into his eyeball like a photo.
Perhaps there's a clue.Copy !req
262. I give you Morton's last image.Copy !req
263. That's a man's head.Copy !req
264. Refraction of the Ienses causes the image
to appear upside down, so we simply...Copy !req
265. That...Copy !req
266. is a man's...Copy !req
267. head.Copy !req
268. Voilà!Copy !req
269. McGrath.Copy !req
270. Something's in his pocket.
It's too fuzzy to see.Copy !req
271. Mortification of the aqueous humor's
led to a loss...Copy !req
272. GIasses.Copy !req
273. "Friends of the South, come to
a costume ball, April 14, half past 8.Copy !req
274. 346 Pine Court, Garden District."Copy !req
275. New Orleans.Copy !req
276. Gypsy queen... pirate...Copy !req
277. Ah. How about this?
Come as my manservant.Copy !req
278. Why, yes'um, Master Gordon!Copy !req
279. I swears I'd be delighted!
I sing, I dance for you, sir.Copy !req
280. I swears none of the white folks'II
know I'd rather shoot myself...Copy !req
281. than play your damn manservant.Copy !req
282. You must wear something.
It's a costume party.Copy !req
283. This is all I need to wear.Copy !req
284. If you insist on a firearm,
I have something...Copy !req
285. you'll find intriguing.
I designed it to go...Copy !req
286. with this.Copy !req
287. Jim West does not wear costumes.Copy !req
288. Very well. What's your plan?Copy !req
289. I was thinking I'd go
as a government agent...Copy !req
290. who'II kill
General BIoodbath McGrath.Copy !req
291. An armed, Negro cowboy costume in a
room full of white former slave owners.Copy !req
292. You'll win first prize.Copy !req
293. Listen, the art of disguise
is what we need to get into the party...Copy !req
294. to find the kidnapped scientists...Copy !req
295. before they're forced to create
something that'll destroy the U.S.Copy !req
296. You and I have been handpicked
by the president.Copy !req
297. Our freedom is at stake,
and this is our duty as men.Copy !req
298. You go as a riverboat captain,
and I'll be a saloon girl.Copy !req
299. Let me tell you something about
your art of disguise.Copy !req
300. That night at Fat-Can's, it wasn't difficult
to see you weren't a woman.Copy !req
301. I was propositioned by three men.Copy !req
302. You Iooked nasty.Copy !req
303. Just butt-ugly.Copy !req
304. I mean, your breasts
were hard and stiff...Copy !req
305. and stuck out like a couple
of rusty cannons on a sunken ship.Copy !req
306. These breasts are a work of art.Copy !req
307. Aesthetically
and scientifically perfect.Copy !req
308. They look like shit.Copy !req
309. - Touch them.
- I'm not touching those.Copy !req
310. Afraid you're wrong?
Touch my breasts!Copy !req
311. Just one. Touch one!Copy !req
312. Happy? I'm touching them.Copy !req
313. I knew it!Copy !req
314. Squeeze it gently.Copy !req
315. Not that hard! Now you've shifted
all the buckwheat around.Copy !req
316. Buckwheat? That's your problem.Copy !req
317. What are you doing?Copy !req
318. Now touch my breast.Copy !req
319. - Oh.
- Eh? That's what a breast should feel like.Copy !req
320. Very nice.Copy !req
321. - Now touch yourself.
- Oh, my God, I'm hard!Copy !req
322. I was just gonna jot down a note.Copy !req
323. You could put a gun on that.Copy !req
324. Then where would I keep my pencil?Copy !req
325. I think you underestimate
the convenience of a pocket.Copy !req
326. What are you doing here, boy?Copy !req
327. I sorry, sir.Copy !req
328. I was hoping...Copy !req
329. I was hoping I wouldn't...Copy !req
330. have to break your nose.Copy !req
331. White folks.Copy !req
332. Get your hands off me!Copy !req
333. Put me in the dungeon with those smelly,
bearded men, but I won't get on that!Copy !req
334. - You applied for the position.
- A standing-up one!Copy !req
335. I'm an entertainer.Copy !req
336. Stop complaining. You'll enjoy it.Copy !req
337. An authentic cowboy outfit,
complete with six-guns.Copy !req
338. What a terribly clever costume, Mr...?Copy !req
339. West.Copy !req
340. - Jim West.
- West.Copy !req
341. Well, West meets East.Copy !req
342. - Mae Lee East.
- Ma'am.Copy !req
343. Are you here alone, Mr. West?Copy !req
344. I'm Iooking to surprise an old friend,
General McGrath. You haven't seen him?Copy !req
345. I don't think that name was on our
guest Iist. And I would know.Copy !req
346. I am Dr. Loveless' personal assistant.Copy !req
347. Dr. Arliss Loveless?Copy !req
348. Funny how some folks think he's dead.Copy !req
349. Tonight is his coming-out party.Copy !req
350. See anybody that looks familiar?Copy !req
351. Matter of fact, I do.Copy !req
352. I am jealous.Copy !req
353. Don't be.Copy !req
354. Meet me Iater in the foyer.Copy !req
355. Mine eyes have seen the gloryCopy !req
356. Of the coming of the LordCopy !req
357. He is trampling out the vintage
Where the grapes of wrath are storedCopy !req
358. He has loosed the fateful lightning
Of His terrible swift swordCopy !req
359. His truth is marching onCopy !req
360. Don't you just hate that song?Copy !req
361. Why, y'all look like
you've seen a ghost.Copy !req
362. It's me, dear friends.Copy !req
363. Alive and kicking.Copy !req
364. Well, alive, anyway.Copy !req
365. We may have lost the war...Copy !req
366. but heaven knows we haven't lost
our sense of humor.Copy !req
367. No, not even when we lost a Iung...Copy !req
368. a spleen...Copy !req
369. a bladder...Copy !req
370. two Iegs...Copy !req
371. 35 feet of small intestine...Copy !req
372. and our ability to reproduce,
all in the name of the South!Copy !req
373. Do we ever lose our sense of humor?Copy !req
374. Now, I owe a deep debt of gratitude...Copy !req
375. to our friends from across the sea
for their comfort...Copy !req
376. and kindness.Copy !req
377. So mi casa es su casa!Copy !req
378. Let the party begin!Copy !req
379. Mr. West.Copy !req
380. How nice of you to join us...Copy !req
381. and add color
to these monochromatic proceedings.Copy !req
382. When one comes back from the dead...Copy !req
383. I find that an occasion to stand up,
be counted.Copy !req
384. Miss East informs me that you expected
to see General McGrath here.Copy !req
385. I knew him years ago...Copy !req
386. but I haven't seen him
in a coon's age.Copy !req
387. It'd be difficult
for a man of your stature...Copy !req
388. to keep in touch with
even half the people you know.Copy !req
389. Perhaps Miss East will keep you
from being a slave to your disappointment.Copy !req
390. Beautiful women encourage you
one minute...Copy !req
391. then cut the Iegs out
from under you.Copy !req
392. Quite. Will you excuse me?Copy !req
393. Thank you.Copy !req
394. - General McGrath.
- Yes, sir.Copy !req
395. You're in for a big surprise
when you get this one in the saddle.Copy !req
396. Stupid cowboy!Copy !req
397. He mistake you for me.Copy !req
398. Dr. Loveless, our cause is
in a grave situation.Copy !req
399. Since the nitro and guns were destroyed,
Iice and demoralization has set in...Copy !req
400. General McGrath, if I may interrupt.Copy !req
401. Your men will have
their weapons tonight...Copy !req
402. and they will be part of the greatest
military victory of this century.Copy !req
403. So have your men...Copy !req
404. here...Copy !req
405. at 10:00 tonight.Copy !req
406. You, sir, are a pip.Copy !req
407. I'd follow you
into the jaws of Cerberus hisself.Copy !req
408. And so you shall.Copy !req
409. Help! Please! Somebody help me out!Copy !req
410. I said to meet me in the foyer.Copy !req
411. Foyer?Copy !req
412. I've never been much good with French.Copy !req
413. Au contraire.Copy !req
414. So let's see, Mr. West.Copy !req
415. Are you a dangerous spy of some sort...Copy !req
416. or just a handsome cowboy...Copy !req
417. who Iikes to...Copy !req
418. poke around?Copy !req
419. I believe I'm that second one.Copy !req
420. East and West.Copy !req
421. Never the twain shall meet.Copy !req
422. Oh!Copy !req
423. First, I'd like to reiterate
that you make one ugly woman.Copy !req
424. Okay.Copy !req
425. Second, while you were out here,
I found out Dr. Loveless...Copy !req
426. is meeting McGrath and his troops
in an hour.Copy !req
427. You go right ahead, enjoy the party.Copy !req
428. I'm gonna save the Republic.Copy !req
429. By the way, boobies look great tonight.
Nice and perky!Copy !req
430. Oh!Copy !req
431. Hang him!Copy !req
432. We need to teach y'all a Iesson
about how to behave in polite society.Copy !req
433. Never drum on a white Iady's boobies
at a big redneck dance. Got it.Copy !req
434. Whoo! Sure am glad
we got that cleared up.Copy !req
435. My God!Copy !req
436. Oh! Excuse me, am I intruding?Copy !req
437. I feel I know you from somewhere.Copy !req
438. Nice try, buster.Copy !req
439. I look like something out
of James Fenimore Cooper...Copy !req
440. but I mean you no harm.Copy !req
441. My name is Artemus Gordon...Copy !req
442. and if I'm not mistaken,
you're in trouble. Allow me.Copy !req
443. I'm Rita.Copy !req
444. I was hired as an entertainer.Copy !req
445. Not that I'm complaining,
but why are you here?Copy !req
446. I'm Iooking for some missing scientists,
not that I'm complaining.Copy !req
447. I'm a special U.S. marshal
on assignment from the president.Copy !req
448. If you're so special,
how come you're Iooking up here...Copy !req
449. when Loveless has them
in the dungeon?Copy !req
450. The dungeon has been cleared out.Copy !req
451. I checked it after sampling the gumbo,
which was a bit heavy on the okra.Copy !req
452. There you are.Copy !req
453. Thank you. Artemus, was it?Copy !req
454. It was.Copy !req
455. I don't forget a face that easily.Copy !req
456. Like to have everybody's attention.Copy !req
457. We've had a series of major
misunderstandings this evening...Copy !req
458. and I'd like to take a minute
to clear a few of them up.Copy !req
459. First of which...Copy !req
460. the whole drumming
on the boobies thing.Copy !req
461. In my native land...Copy !req
462. - Georgia?
- Africa.Copy !req
463. my ancestors used drums
to communicate between villages.Copy !req
464. I'm sure y'all can see how...Copy !req
465. with this gal, we can communicate
all the way to Baton Rouge.Copy !req
466. On a clear night,
we might even get Galveston.Copy !req
467. All I was saying to the gal was,
"Nice dress, darling.Copy !req
468. Good to see you. My name's Jim.
How's your mama?"Copy !req
469. Then there was the redneck comment.Copy !req
470. And I'm getting the sense
that y'all took that negatively.Copy !req
471. But let's break down that word.Copy !req
472. "Redneck."Copy !req
473. First word: Red.
Color of passion, fire, power.Copy !req
474. Second word: Neck.Copy !req
475. Neck...Copy !req
476. I can't think of anything for "neck,"
but y'all still got "red."Copy !req
477. That's something to be proud of.Copy !req
478. And between us,
the whole slavery thing...Copy !req
479. I don't understand
what the big deal was anyway.Copy !req
480. Who wouldn't want folks
running around doing chores?Copy !req
481. Are you gonna get your big,
fat ass out of bed...Copy !req
482. and pick your own damn cotton?Copy !req
483. I don't think so.Copy !req
484. So let's head on inside,
knock us back some shine.Copy !req
485. Kick this shindig off
the right way!Copy !req
486. Come on! Put this thing away.Copy !req
487. Come on! Let's go inside!Copy !req
488. Let's hang him!Copy !req
489. All right, hold on. Hold on!Copy !req
490. I stand before you as a man realizing
that I've done something wrong.Copy !req
491. I'd like the opportunity
to make it right.Copy !req
492. - Will you marry me?
- Huh!Copy !req
493. "Huh!" That means "no." Darling, listen.Copy !req
494. Would it help if I said
I thought you were a man?Copy !req
495. Something's funny about that rope!Copy !req
496. Thank you! We had a Iovely time!Copy !req
497. "Hang him! Hang him!"
I ought to shoot you right now.Copy !req
498. Allow me to introduce you to
my trigger-happy partner, James West...Copy !req
499. who doesn't realize
that my Expanding Rope invention...Copy !req
500. was a diversion allowing me
to search for the missing scientists.Copy !req
501. - Scientists?
- Yes.Copy !req
502. This is Rita. I found her
in a cage in Loveless' bedroom.Copy !req
503. She's an entertainer.Copy !req
504. I'm afraid I haven't been
quite honest with you.Copy !req
505. My name is Rita Escobar.Copy !req
506. I came to find Guillermo Escobar,
the scientist. My father.Copy !req
507. Sorry to interrupt,
but I gotta get to Malheureux Point.Copy !req
508. Malheureux Point?Copy !req
509. Hyah!Copy !req
510. He's so impetuous.Copy !req
511. Yes, he's an idiot.Copy !req
512. Well, general, it's been
a long journey from New Liberty.Copy !req
513. Not a day goes by
that I don't contemplate it.Copy !req
514. So do I.Copy !req
515. If I'd had the scientific understanding
of gunpowder and primers I have today...Copy !req
516. I might've been standing here.Copy !req
517. That's not what I meant.Copy !req
518. You meant the stomach-churning
carnage...Copy !req
519. that earned you
your unfortunate nom de guerre.Copy !req
520. What was that nickname again?Copy !req
521. BIoodbath McGrath.Copy !req
522. The Butcher of New Liberty.Copy !req
523. They ought to be here by now.Copy !req
524. Maybe we're in the wrong place.Copy !req
525. We're supposed to wait
exactly on this here spot.Copy !req
526. You sawed-off sadistic bastard!
You betrayed us!Copy !req
527. Having donated half my being to create
a weapon capable of doing this...Copy !req
528. how did you and General Lee
repay my Ioyalty?Copy !req
529. You surrendered at Appomattox!
So who betrayed whom?Copy !req
530. Munitia, make note the turret speed
must be accelerated.Copy !req
531. Change gear ratio from 2.2 to 2.8.Copy !req
532. Scream, scream...Copy !req
533. "Help me."Copy !req
534. "Do not pull my arm!"Copy !req
535. I demand you give the order to stop
this slaughter now!Copy !req
536. We'll need more Ioading drills.
I hear too much time between screams.Copy !req
537. Give them the order to desist!Copy !req
538. I understand your distress,
but these men are not dying senselessly.Copy !req
539. It is for a far greater cause
than you can possibly imagine.Copy !req
540. You go straight to hell, sir!Copy !req
541. After you, sir.Copy !req
542. BIoodbath McGrath indeed.Copy !req
543. That concludes the festivities.Copy !req
544. Ladies, feed him to the crabs.Copy !req
545. Since the beginning of written history,
a nation's power has been determined...Copy !req
546. by the size of its army.
Tonight, that chapter will be closed.Copy !req
547. The traditional army, to say nothing of
the United States, will become extinct.Copy !req
548. Laid low by a cripple...Copy !req
549. as the general
so amusingly implied...Copy !req
550. and "mechanology."Copy !req
551. But that tank is just
a Iittle hors-d'oeuvre...Copy !req
552. compared to what the country's
scientists are cooking up.Copy !req
553. So if I have piqued your interest...Copy !req
554. bring 1000 kilograms of gold...Copy !req
555. to Spider Canyon
within the next four days.Copy !req
556. And now, if you'll excuse me,
I have a tank to catch.Copy !req
557. Whoa.Copy !req
558. Judging from the position
of these bodies...Copy !req
559. it laid down a 360-degree pattern
of cannon fire.Copy !req
560. I think I'm gonna be sick.Copy !req
561. My God!Copy !req
562. What kind of weapon did this?Copy !req
563. It rolls on and on,
screeching like a wounded animal.Copy !req
564. It has a cabin on top with a cannon.Copy !req
565. It swivels around like an eagle's head.Copy !req
566. You saw it?Copy !req
567. Heard about it. I thought it was
crazy survivors' stories.Copy !req
568. Survivors?Copy !req
569. Not here.Copy !req
570. New Liberty, IIIinois,
a free slave town just over the border.Copy !req
571. Aweek before the war ended in '65,
I was with the 9th Cavalry.Copy !req
572. We discovered old folks,
women and children slaughtered.Copy !req
573. They used them for target practice.Copy !req
574. That's when I vowed to chase
this yellow devil to his grave.Copy !req
575. What's wrong, West?Copy !req
576. I thought you'd be glad
to see me like this.Copy !req
577. Actually, I'm kind of disappointed.Copy !req
578. I was hoping to kill
the Butcher of New Liberty myself.Copy !req
579. Well, go on, shoot.Copy !req
580. Send me on to hell.Copy !req
581. But if you want the devil
that's responsible for New Liberty...Copy !req
582. it's Loveless.Copy !req
583. He manned the machine there.Copy !req
584. He killed all them children,
old folks...Copy !req
585. just like he killed my boys here.Copy !req
586. Where is he?Copy !req
587. Where did he go?Copy !req
588. Where's he going?Copy !req
589. I know that.Copy !req
590. I'll tell you if you take me along.Copy !req
591. You'll tell me
or I'll leave you here.Copy !req
592. The girls at the mansion,
you know, they talk.Copy !req
593. "I wonder if my hair
will get frizzy in the desert."Copy !req
594. "Where is this Oo-tah anyway?"Copy !req
595. Utah.Copy !req
596. Let's go, Coleman. Utah.Copy !req
597. Aye, sir.Copy !req
598. Why couldn't we give her a ride
home to Texas? It's on the way.Copy !req
599. On our way to Utah,
where our President is.Copy !req
600. How you feel about that coincidence?Copy !req
601. Artie.Copy !req
602. We wouldn't have known where
Loveless was going if not for her.Copy !req
603. Seems a bit ungracious,
if not perilous.Copy !req
604. She'd have been in our way.
She and I'd have wound up in the saddle.Copy !req
605. That's funny, I got the feeling
she was more interested in me.Copy !req
606. I've tried to place myself
in Loveless' shoes.Copy !req
607. Good Iuck with that one.Copy !req
608. What could a maniac with no
reproductive organs want with Rita?Copy !req
609. Which is not to say that Rita
doesn't possess a beauty...Copy !req
610. worthy of a Shakespeare
sonnet or a Botticelli painting.Copy !req
611. The curvature of her buttocks...Copy !req
612. and the swell
of that magnificent bosom!Copy !req
613. So full, so sumptuous...Copy !req
614. So... what were all those foreign
ministers doing at Loveless' party?Copy !req
615. This is what really puzzles me.Copy !req
616. Did you have any idea
there were so many?Copy !req
617. - How long has she been here?
- Somewhere around Botticelli's buttocks.Copy !req
618. I am profoundly sorry.Copy !req
619. I'll spare you the embarrassment.
Make a sandwich. You're getting off.Copy !req
620. I know why those foreign guys
were at Loveless' party.Copy !req
621. Mm. This is fantastic.
How do you cook it?Copy !req
622. I mean, you can cut it with a fork.Copy !req
623. In a daubière. It's a clay pot.
It's a French method.Copy !req
624. Foreign ministers.Copy !req
625. They were mad about something,
you know, like...Copy !req
626. there was some real bad deal
in Louisiana on purpose.Copy !req
627. The Louisiana Purchase.Copy !req
628. Mm-hm. And Queen somebody of France
got swindled.Copy !req
629. Queen Isabella of Spain.Copy !req
630. This is ridiculous.
Coleman, stop the train.Copy !req
631. - Miss Escobar's getting off.
- Who the hell is Miss Escobar?Copy !req
632. A frightened, starving, half-naked
woman who wants to find her father.Copy !req
633. Half-naked?Copy !req
634. Coleman, stop the train!Copy !req
635. We're not putting anybody off
here in the middle of nowhere!Copy !req
636. Especially if they're half-naked!Copy !req
637. Please, Jim.
My father's the only family I've got.Copy !req
638. Am I to sit at home and wait for news
that he's been killed, or do something?Copy !req
639. What would you do?Copy !req
640. I don't have anything against you.Copy !req
641. What happens when we find Loveless
and you're still on this train?Copy !req
642. Jim.Copy !req
643. I know you'd never let him
take me back.Copy !req
644. I've seen you shoot.Copy !req
645. I'll assure you any attack by Loveless
would be an exercise in futility.Copy !req
646. I'll demonstrate how
my design suggestions...Copy !req
647. have made the Wanderer
completely impervious to attack.Copy !req
648. Over here, three seemingly
innocent billiard balls, yes?Copy !req
649. Depress the number, it's a sleeping-gas
bomb effective in under three seconds.Copy !req
650. So put your mind at ease.
You are safe within these walls.Copy !req
651. I don't know about you,
but I'll sleep better...Copy !req
652. assuming Loveless barges in here
to play pool.Copy !req
653. And speaking of sleeping,
I'm really tired, Artie.Copy !req
654. Could I borrow something to wear?Copy !req
655. - I have just...
- I got something you can wear.Copy !req
656. It ain't stylish, but it won't explode
when you put it on.Copy !req
657. That would be nice.Copy !req
658. Loveless kidnapped
a few metallurgists...Copy !req
659. so whatever he's building
will have armor.Copy !req
660. He kidnapped a couple chemists...Copy !req
661. so it'll have explosives.Copy !req
662. According to you, Rita's father's the
world's foremost expert in hydraulics...Copy !req
663. so the thing's gonna move.Copy !req
664. What could he build that'd make
the president surrender the government?Copy !req
665. A bedside heater.Copy !req
666. What?Copy !req
667. Rita needs a bedside heater.
It gets quite chilly.Copy !req
668. That's what I was talking about.
The distraction.Copy !req
669. What?Copy !req
670. Good night,
and thank you for saving me.Copy !req
671. Good night.Copy !req
672. Rita...Copy !req
673. That outfit...Copy !req
674. - Is most becoming.
- Lovely. I hope it's not too breezy.Copy !req
675. - Back there.
- But if there's anything...Copy !req
676. Anything at all...Copy !req
677. - I'm right here.
- Aren't you boys nice?Copy !req
678. Well, sweet dreams.Copy !req
679. - Mm.
- I told you she'd be a distraction.Copy !req
680. She's not a distraction.Copy !req
681. It's nice having her on board.
She's a breath of fresh ass.Copy !req
682. - Pardon me?
- What?Copy !req
683. You said "ass."Copy !req
684. No, I said, "It's nice having her on board,
she's a breast of fresh air."Copy !req
685. - Let's just get some shut-ass.
- Mm.Copy !req
686. We have Loveless.Copy !req
687. Seven hundred yards and closing.Copy !req
688. Maintain this speed.
I'm coming up.Copy !req
689. Oh!Copy !req
690. - What's that?
- I took the Iiberty...Copy !req
691. of installing that while you slept.Copy !req
692. Don't take Iiberties with my things!Copy !req
693. Very good.Copy !req
694. I've only made one or two
additions to your wardrobe.Copy !req
695. Am I missing something here?Copy !req
696. Jim.Copy !req
697. If we are pursuing Loveless...Copy !req
698. why is he behind us?Copy !req
699. That's why.Copy !req
700. - What's going on?
- Nothing. It's fine. Get down.Copy !req
701. Okay.Copy !req
702. - Push that magic button.
- What are you doing?Copy !req
703. - Seeing if your Egressor works.
- We need a plan.Copy !req
704. - Push the button!
- Very good.Copy !req
705. He's so courageous.Copy !req
706. Would you pull on
one of those pool cues?Copy !req
707. - This one?
- Thank you.Copy !req
708. Courage is only as good
as the machinery that supports it.Copy !req
709. Good Iuck.Copy !req
710. Gordon!Copy !req
711. I have them square in my sights, sire.Copy !req
712. As do I, Munitia. As do I!Copy !req
713. Fire away!Copy !req
714. That's it!
I won't let Loveless take me away!Copy !req
715. - I'd rather be dead!
- That's not a good thing to wish for!Copy !req
716. Please, Artie! Don't leave me alone!Copy !req
717. Ladies, we need a new train.Copy !req
718. - Give me the ball. I have a plan.
- I won't!Copy !req
719. - Gordon!
- It's Loveless!Copy !req
720. - No, it isn't.
- Yes, it is!Copy !req
721. Jim.Copy !req
722. An innocent billiard ball this way,
but depress the number...Copy !req
723. and on impact it ruins our mission.Copy !req
724. - Don't move!
- Let go of my Ieg.Copy !req
725. Loveless has fitted us with the same
metal device we found on Morton.Copy !req
726. Good morning, gentlemen.Copy !req
727. I trust you slept well.Copy !req
728. - What have you done with Rita?
- Rita, is it? How familiar!Copy !req
729. Rita is sleeping off
the aftereffects in the stateroom.Copy !req
730. She is quite Iovely, isn't she?Copy !req
731. Who knows? I might even
become familiar with her myself.Copy !req
732. - That'd be one more reason to kill you.
- Oh, yes, Mr. West.Copy !req
733. To a well-endowed blackamoor
like yourself...Copy !req
734. it seems impossible that a freak like
me could enjoy the pleasure of a woman.Copy !req
735. But having witnessed my use
of mechanology thus far...Copy !req
736. don't you think I'd devise
something for my Iower body...Copy !req
737. that was hard-pumping
and indefatigably steely?Copy !req
738. And speaking of hard-pumping,
Mr. Coleman...Copy !req
739. full steam ahead.Copy !req
740. What a marvelous train.
You don't mind me borrowing it, do you?Copy !req
741. Aside from a Iack
of wheelchair access...Copy !req
742. I find it a most comfortable way...Copy !req
743. to pass the long miles
to my Iaboratory in Spider Canyon.Copy !req
744. By the way, I'll be seeing
President Grant at Promontory Point.Copy !req
745. What shall I tell him for you?Copy !req
746. I'm afraid it can't be
that you're alive...Copy !req
747. and well.Copy !req
748. Get out your tool kit.
Get this off my neck.Copy !req
749. My tools are gone.Copy !req
750. "Welcome to Loveless Experimental
Camp for Political Dissidents.Copy !req
751. There are no guards, no barbed wires.Copy !req
752. Stay within the perimeter,
you'll stay alive."Copy !req
753. - I don't have time for this.
- No, no, don't!Copy !req
754. See? Nothing.Copy !req
755. And now we have to run.Copy !req
756. The collars around our necks seem
to contain powerful magnets!Copy !req
757. As long as we can outrun the blade,
we'll be fine!Copy !req
758. How long does it take a magnet
to lose its power?Copy !req
759. - About 400 years!
- Damn!Copy !req
760. The gully! The gully!Copy !req
761. Run for the gully!Copy !req
762. Go, Gordon! Go!Copy !req
763. - Gordon! Leap into my arms!
- No.Copy !req
764. Now!Copy !req
765. Bless you.Copy !req
766. Sorry.Copy !req
767. Rita, my dear.Copy !req
768. Not that I'm ungrateful to Providence
for bringing you back...Copy !req
769. but I have to confess...Copy !req
770. I'm a bit curious as to how
you managed to wind up with them.Copy !req
771. They seemed so sure they could find you,
I thought if I stayed with them...Copy !req
772. they'll bring me back
to all my friends.Copy !req
773. Not to give you a big head,
but I kind of missed you.Copy !req
774. Well, isn't that a coincidence?
Because I kind of miss me too.Copy !req
775. What's your plan for getting
this thing off my neck?Copy !req
776. Excuse me?Copy !req
777. That's what you're here for.
You're the master of this mechanical stuff.Copy !req
778. Ha, ha, ha. Oh, I see.Copy !req
779. Now I'm the master
of this mechanical stuff.Copy !req
780. As opposed to five minutes ago,
when I tried...Copy !req
781. to find an intelligent solution
to this problem.Copy !req
782. Then something happened.
Someone, who'II remain nameless...Copy !req
783. Jim!Copy !req
784. West!Copy !req
785. decided to jump over the wire...Copy !req
786. providing us with that romp
through the cornfield...Copy !req
787. and that death-defying Ieap
into the abysmal muck!Copy !req
788. And here we stand,
while that demented maniac hurtles...Copy !req
789. toward our president on our one
and only mode of transportation...Copy !req
790. with Rita as prisoner, armed with
machinery of mass destruction...Copy !req
791. with the simple intention
of taking over the country.Copy !req
792. - You need to calm down.
- I can't be calm.Copy !req
793. No, no, no, no.
I'm the master of the mechanical stuff!Copy !req
794. And I have to help you! You!Copy !req
795. The master of the stupid stuff!Copy !req
796. Wanna get your collar off?
I'll get it off!Copy !req
797. I don't have a gun.
Otherwise, I'd shoot it off!Copy !req
798. Here's something in the true
Jim West style!Copy !req
799. - I'll bash it with a rock!
- You don't wanna do that.Copy !req
800. - Oh, but I do!
- Wait, Gor...Copy !req
801. - What did you do?
- I didn't do shit!Copy !req
802. You've reversed the polarity
of your magnet.Copy !req
803. I did not do shit!Copy !req
804. Be still! Be still!Copy !req
805. I'll put my foot in your chest.
Push off.Copy !req
806. You all right?Copy !req
807. I'm just peachy.
Can you help me get my boot off?Copy !req
808. - Hey, hey!
- Sorry.Copy !req
809. And that would be my belt buckle.Copy !req
810. Gordon, when you tell this story
to your grandkids, leave this part out.Copy !req
811. - Don't worry.
- All right, Gordon.Copy !req
812. I'll undo your belt. I'll run that way,
you run the other way.Copy !req
813. Let me understand your plan.Copy !req
814. You'll run fast that way
and I'll run fast that way.Copy !req
815. - It's ingenious.
- Whatever, Gordon.Copy !req
816. One...Copy !req
817. two, three!Copy !req
818. Oh, look.Copy !req
819. My auxiliary tool kit.Copy !req
820. I forgot about it. It must've
slipped out of my pocket.Copy !req
821. Your pocket?Copy !req
822. Why wasn't it on some contraption
that shoots out your ass?Copy !req
823. That's the first place
Loveless would've Iooked.Copy !req
824. What?Copy !req
825. Nothing.Copy !req
826. Oh, no. No, thank you. I'm fine.Copy !req
827. Not quite myself out here.Copy !req
828. There's a very Iarge spider
on your hand.Copy !req
829. He's just trying to get warm.Copy !req
830. How is it you know so much
about the desert?Copy !req
831. I Iived out here as a boy.
I was raised by the Indians.Copy !req
832. Really? Now that is...Copy !req
833. Look, a desert wasp,
one of the world's greatest hunters.Copy !req
834. She'll kill the tarantula,
Iay her eggs inside...Copy !req
835. so her babies will have food
when they hatch.Copy !req
836. Now I'm really hungry.Copy !req
837. So how did your parents,
who I assume were Negro...Copy !req
838. feel about you
being raised by Indians?Copy !req
839. They didn't have too much to say.Copy !req
840. I was sent to
another plantation as a boy.Copy !req
841. Ran away as soon as my Iegs
were strong enough to take me.Copy !req
842. Did you ever see your family again?Copy !req
843. They were at the camp at New Liberty.Copy !req
844. I'll help you get him, Jim.Copy !req
845. You have no idea
where we're going, do you?Copy !req
846. I know exactly where we're going.Copy !req
847. Going to Spider Canyon.Copy !req
848. We'd get there a lot faster if you
weren't dragging that thing around.Copy !req
849. A lot of scientific ingenuity
and hard work went into this.Copy !req
850. It'd be a shame to discard it.Copy !req
851. You never know when a high-powered
magnet might come in handy.Copy !req
852. When you're right, you're right.Copy !req
853. Loveless' private track.Copy !req
854. This is not a mirage.
If this isn't a mirage, then that...Copy !req
855. Is Spider Canyon.
What now, Mr. PIan Man?Copy !req
856. Now, well...Copy !req
857. What do we have? Intelligence, a sense
of purpose, the element of surprise.Copy !req
858. So what does Loveless have?Copy !req
859. Well...Copy !req
860. He has his own city.Copy !req
861. He has an 80-foot tarantula.Copy !req
862. Yes, well, I was coming to that.Copy !req
863. Nice to see an invention
that actually works.Copy !req
864. Most impressive.Copy !req
865. If a Iittle ungainly.Copy !req
866. He's trapped.Copy !req
867. That thing'II never get
past those rocks.Copy !req
868. Gordon! Let's go!Copy !req
869. Gordon, let's ride!Copy !req
870. You do know how to ride.Copy !req
871. - Yes, I know how to ride.
- A horse.Copy !req
872. Yes, when something primitive
is called for.Copy !req
873. How about now? A giant spider's
stomping toward our President.Copy !req
874. I was thinking of another spider.Copy !req
875. Remember when that wasp
destroyed the tarantula?Copy !req
876. The wasp had a slight advantage.
It could fly.Copy !req
877. Exactly.Copy !req
878. In 1540, Leonardo da Vinci designed
a flying machine, but never finished it.Copy !req
879. With some extrapolation
and a bit of imagination, I've...Copy !req
880. We don't have time for your plans
or half-baked inventions.Copy !req
881. We gotta stick to what
we each do best.Copy !req
882. "May God continue the unity
of our country...Copy !req
883. as this railroad unites
the two great oceans of this world."Copy !req
884. Good Lord!Copy !req
885. Well, now, isn't this a coincidence?Copy !req
886. I'm out for a Iittle morning ride...Copy !req
887. and in the middle of nowhere...Copy !req
888. I bump into
General UIysses S. Grant himself.Copy !req
889. We've never been properly introduced.
I'm Dr. Arliss Loveless...Copy !req
890. formerly of the Confederate Army.Copy !req
891. Yes, Dr. Loveless.Copy !req
892. It's a fine-Iooking spicier
you have there.Copy !req
893. What can I do for you?Copy !req
894. I have a humble abode nearby.
I hope you'll accept my hospitality.Copy !req
895. I have a proposition to make.Copy !req
896. What proposition is that?Copy !req
897. The immediate and unconditional
surrender of the United States...Copy !req
898. to the Loveless AIIiance!Copy !req
899. I didn't realize we were at war.Copy !req
900. You have me at somewhat
of a disadvantage.Copy !req
901. I didn't bring my fly swatter.Copy !req
902. How about now?Copy !req
903. In matters pertaining to war...Copy !req
904. - ... the person to talk to would be me.
- And nowjust who are you?Copy !req
905. I am the President of the United States.Copy !req
906. This man is an actor hired to stand in
for me on public occasions.Copy !req
907. Not a very good actor at that.
He's too fat and dull-witted.Copy !req
908. You got a lot of brass,
Gordon. Where's West?Copy !req
909. You know him, sir.Copy !req
910. Take this man away! Captain!Copy !req
911. Lieutenant! Sergeant!Copy !req
912. Private!Copy !req
913. You are dismissed, sir! Leave!Copy !req
914. We'll take them both!Copy !req
915. Was this part of your plan, Gordon?Copy !req
916. Well, I'm by your side, sir.
That's what counts.Copy !req
917. I got a telegram for a Dr. Loveless
from his mother.Copy !req
918. She said, "Come home.
Stop all this foolishness."Copy !req
919. Bonjour...Copy !req
920. buenas tardes, and good day!Copy !req
921. Great, glorious day!Copy !req
922. A day of healing for the wrongs
that have been done to us all.Copy !req
923. How long have we waited?Copy !req
924. 1776, wasn't it, old bean?Copy !req
925. The most expensive cup of tea
in history.Copy !req
926. Manhattan, for a handful of beads.Copy !req
927. How.Copy !req
928. "Remember the AIamo," indeed.Copy !req
929. Thanks, Artie.Copy !req
930. Today, I'm proud to be able
to sit before y'all...Copy !req
931. and tell you that the wrongs
will be righted...Copy !req
932. the past made present...Copy !req
933. the united, divided!Copy !req
934. Great Britain gets back the 13
original colonies, minus Manhattan.Copy !req
935. FIorida and the Fountain of Youth
go back to Spain.Copy !req
936. Texas, New Mexico,
California, Arizona...Copy !req
937. revolve a Mexico.Copy !req
938. And a Iittle piece for me
to retire on.Copy !req
939. My partner nations insist that
we make this as Iegal as possible.Copy !req
940. Personally, I like the symmetry of it.Copy !req
941. After all...Copy !req
942. wasn't it you, President Grant,
that made us...Copy !req
943. sign a surrender at Appomattox?Copy !req
944. Never will I sign that paper.Copy !req
945. Never will the United States
ever surrender!Copy !req
946. We're at Ioggerheads then, aren't we?Copy !req
947. I suppose the threat of death to someone
with your valorous war record...Copy !req
948. would mean nothing.Copy !req
949. If you still refuse
to sign the surrender...Copy !req
950. we'll start by shooting
your man Gordon.Copy !req
951. - Artemus!
- Munitia!Copy !req
952. Don't worry.
I'm wearing an Impermeable.Copy !req
953. May I make one request?Copy !req
954. That she aim at my heart...Copy !req
955. my heart, which has Ioved
this country so much.Copy !req
956. Shoot him in the head.Copy !req
957. - Damn!
- Munitia!Copy !req
958. Ready! Aim!Copy !req
959. A new girl!Copy !req
960. Well, what a nice surprise.Copy !req
961. Ooh.Copy !req
962. Uh, uh, uh.Copy !req
963. Ebonia, why are you so cruel to me?Copy !req
964. This brassiere is killing me.Copy !req
965. Thank you.Copy !req
966. And this garter belt
is riding up my ass.Copy !req
967. - Be careful with that dress.
- To hell with your damn dress.Copy !req
968. We'll have you out of here
in a second, Mr. President.Copy !req
969. Bye-bye!Copy !req
970. - Is she with us?
- Captain West.Copy !req
971. Oh, he's so graceful!Copy !req
972. Kill him! Him!Copy !req
973. Him! Him! The girl!Copy !req
974. Is that the eight ball? Get down.Copy !req
975. - That wasn't sleeping gas.
- The eight ball's an incendiary bomb.Copy !req
976. The president!Copy !req
977. - Let's go!
- Save the president! We'll be fine!Copy !req
978. They're getting away. We gotta
do something! We gotta get horses!Copy !req
979. Artie, right now we need a plan.Copy !req
980. That flying machine idea of yours...Copy !req
981. Were you acting like you knew what you
were talking about, or can you build it?Copy !req
982. Bernoulli was considered
insane by his peers.Copy !req
983. His theory states that the air
over a bird's wing moves...Copy !req
984. at a Iower pressure
than that below the wing.Copy !req
985. That's called Iift,
and is what we will now attempt.Copy !req
986. - It's only a theory. It's never been tested.
- Stop talking.Copy !req
987. Here's a Iittle bon voyage present
for you guys.Copy !req
988. Gunpowder, nitroglycerine
and.44 caliber primers.Copy !req
989. How the devil do you know
about explosives?Copy !req
990. U.S. Marshal Coleman.
President wanted me to look after you.Copy !req
991. But I draw the line at defying gravity,
so good Iuck.Copy !req
992. Hold on! Avanti!Copy !req
993. Avanti! Avanti!Copy !req
994. - Why isn't this avanti-ing?
- Not enough Iift!Copy !req
995. We need more speed!Copy !req
996. - That's a cliff!
- Yes, I know!Copy !req
997. - That means the ground is gonna end!
- I know!Copy !req
998. Gordon. Gordon! Gordon!Copy !req
999. It works! It works!Copy !req
1000. If you had to get one right,
I'm sure glad it was this one.Copy !req
1001. - Yee-ha! Ha, ha, ha!
- Yee-ha.Copy !req
1002. What kind of fancy name you got
picked out for this thing?Copy !req
1003. Wait, let me guess:
an EIevation Enhancer...Copy !req
1004. or a Gravity-Repeller Vehicle.Copy !req
1005. No, I was thinking of something simple.Copy !req
1006. Air Gordon.Copy !req
1007. Mr. President,
I'll ask you once again:Copy !req
1008. Sign the surrender,
or I will decimate this town!Copy !req
1009. You've had my answer.Copy !req
1010. I understand, but I urge you to reconsider
in Iight of the following!Copy !req
1011. Yee-ha!Copy !req
1012. Whoo!Copy !req
1013. Munitia!Copy !req
1014. Hang on, Mr. President!Copy !req
1015. Let's go!Copy !req
1016. Gentlemen, I am truly impressed
by your effort and ingenuity.Copy !req
1017. Why not swear an oath
of Ioyalty to me...Copy !req
1018. and forego your execution?Copy !req
1019. I thought I'd stuff your half-a-ass
in one of these cannons...Copy !req
1020. and fertilize the Iandscape with you.Copy !req
1021. We may not have a woodshed on board...Copy !req
1022. but that boy is gonna
get a whupping anyway!Copy !req
1023. You the one supposed
to give me my whupping?Copy !req
1024. Hell, I got one of those.Copy !req
1025. Oh. Shit. Gordon only gave me one.
If you give me a second, I'll...Copy !req
1026. Damn!Copy !req
1027. Whoo-hoo!Copy !req
1028. That's it. No more Mr. Knife Guy.Copy !req
1029. I learned that from a Chinaman.Copy !req
1030. I just made that up.Copy !req
1031. Nice hat.Copy !req
1032. No!Copy !req
1033. Sorry.Copy !req
1034. Miss Lippenreider,
take over the controls.Copy !req
1035. Now, somebody around here
promised me a whupping.Copy !req
1036. Dark-haired fella.Copy !req
1037. Crazy beard. About your height.
Seen him?Copy !req
1038. When it comes right down to it,
you just can't beat...Copy !req
1039. a good old-fashioned pair of Iegs.Copy !req
1040. Well, you're obviously
not a poker player, Mr. West.Copy !req
1041. Four of a kind always beats a pair.Copy !req
1042. Now was there someone
particularly close to you...Copy !req
1043. who perished
in that military action?Copy !req
1044. Well, that struck a nerve.Copy !req
1045. "I Iikes to beat my feet...Copy !req
1046. on the Mississippi mud!"Copy !req
1047. Stop it!Copy !req
1048. Stop him, please!Copy !req
1049. Drop it!Copy !req
1050. Drive.
Stop or I'll shoot.Copy !req
1051. You expect to kill me
with that peashooter?Copy !req
1052. - If I have to, yes.
- Why is it that I am unafraid?Copy !req
1053. Shoot him...Copy !req
1054. Gordon!Copy !req
1055. Shoot him!Copy !req
1056. After all that, you missed?Copy !req
1057. Actually, I didn't.Copy !req
1058. Thank you.Copy !req
1059. Your chivalry's about to be tested.Copy !req
1060. Wait!Copy !req
1061. Well, well, well, Dr. Loveless.
I bet you thought it was...Copy !req
1062. pretty damn funny, big metal foot
on my face and all.Copy !req
1063. If you ask me, somebody around here...Copy !req
1064. owes somebody else
around here an apology.Copy !req
1065. Quit dancing around and figure out
how to run this damn thing!Copy !req
1066. - Uh, right.
- We got a real problem there!Copy !req
1067. Please, Mr. West!Copy !req
1068. Show some mercy!Copy !req
1069. Now, don't you fret none.Copy !req
1070. We got a Iovely half-a-jail cell
picked out for you.Copy !req
1071. Please, sir! You fine, dark warrior!Copy !req
1072. Finding the right
combination of Ievers...Copy !req
1073. - Very good.
- Don't do that again.Copy !req
1074. I have always admired you, Mr. West.Copy !req
1075. I want you to understand that.Copy !req
1076. For four years,
I've chased the animal...Copy !req
1077. responsible for the massacre
at New Liberty.Copy !req
1078. I hear that's you.Copy !req
1079. I am not an animal. I am a visionary!Copy !req
1080. I am a genius!Copy !req
1081. And now I am angry!Copy !req
1082. After I kill you...Copy !req
1083. I swear I'm gonna boil you down
for axle grease!Copy !req
1084. Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle!Copy !req
1085. How did we arrive
in this dark situation?Copy !req
1086. I have no idea.
I'm just as stumped as you are.Copy !req
1087. I'm facing a difficult problem here.Copy !req
1088. On the one hand, I have
an overwhelming love for myself...Copy !req
1089. and on the other, the raw,
seething hatred that I have for you.Copy !req
1090. I could kill you very easily
just by pulling on this Iever.Copy !req
1091. But I would die along with you,
hence my conflict.Copy !req
1092. Decisions...Copy !req
1093. decisions.Copy !req
1094. Allow me to make
that decision for you.Copy !req
1095. Mr. West, although you are
as black as the night on the outside...Copy !req
1096. inside...Copy !req
1097. you are yellow!Copy !req
1098. You just don't have it in you.Copy !req
1099. Do you...Copy !req
1100. boy?Copy !req
1101. Now that's a whupping.Copy !req
1102. You'll be happy to know
I'm creating a new agency...Copy !req
1103. whose sole purpose
is to protect the president.Copy !req
1104. Welcome to the Secret Service.Copy !req
1105. Agents number one and number two.Copy !req
1106. Thank you, Mr. President.Copy !req
1107. Do you mind if I ask which one is agent
number one and which is number two?Copy !req
1108. - I don't think that matters. Do you?
- Not if you don't.Copy !req
1109. Anyway, you'll have plenty of time
to discuss it on your new assignment.Copy !req
1110. See you in Washington, gentlemen.Copy !req
1111. Mr. President, what about our train?Copy !req
1112. I'm taking it, of course.Copy !req
1113. Hell, you let Loveless blow up mine.Copy !req
1114. Jim, Artie!Copy !req
1115. - My heroes.
- Rita, look at you.Copy !req
1116. - You're a vision.
- That's a fine dress you got on.Copy !req
1117. I wanted to thank you for all you've
done for me before I went back to Texas.Copy !req
1118. Texas? What do you mean?Copy !req
1119. Come to Washington with me.Copy !req
1120. Or better yet,
come back to Washington with me.Copy !req
1121. I'm afraid I haven't been
completely honest with you.Copy !req
1122. Professor Escobar is not my father.
He's my husband.Copy !req
1123. - You could've told us that.
- Yes.Copy !req
1124. Rita, dear, we really must be going.Copy !req
1125. Bye.Copy !req
1126. At least you still have each other.Copy !req
1127. Jim?Copy !req
1128. What now, Artie?Copy !req
1129. Do you mind if I ask you a question?Copy !req
1130. Actually, I do, Artie.Copy !req