Who's Your Daddy? (2004)

1. Ready? Ok.

2. Be agressive! Be agressive!

3. Oh Chris, show me your spirit dick. - I love your pampams, baby.

4. You're my number 1.

5. You like that? - Oh yes.

6. Oh yes.

7. You score like a quarterback. - Yea, I know baby.. I just.. yea, right there.

8. Easy baby, watch the face. It's not big jerky.

9. Pigs in a blanket, baby? - Uh yeah mama, stick that pig in the blanket.

10. You want the little piggies in the blanky?

11. Suck my big fat hog.

12. Chris dear, were you dreaming about breakfast?

13. Oh sweetie, you're boiling up with sweat. Your sheets are soaking wet.

14. Oh honey. - Mother!

15. Mom, look, a big giant spider!

16. A spider? Honey, I don't see anything over there.

17. Chris, are you okay? Your penis is purple.

18. Mom, you can't look at that.

19. Sweetheart, please, I'm your mother. I've seen your penis plenty of times.

20. Of course I've never seen it so lumpy and purple.

21. Maybe you broke it when you fell out of bed. I think I should call somebody.

22. Mom, leave. I didn't break anything. I think I would know. Just go!

23. I can't just leave, you've broken your mister penis puppet. Now let mommy look at it again.

24. I think I'm gonna be sick.

25. What in tarnation are those red bumps on your back?

26. O Jesus, please strike me with lightning.

27. What's up with the retard?

28. Your brother may have broken his penis. - No way!

29. Ok, everyone out.

30. Dude, you totally spooched instant pudding in your own bed. And you're still sporting Maj. Wood.

31. Now at the bat, Mark McGuire.. McGuire..

32. I will kill you. If not today, I will hunt you down, you'll be very much dead. Mom!

33. This is unbelievable. I don't even know who to tell first. Thank God for E-mail.

34. Danny, leave him alone. He's not well. Let's go.

35. Honey, what's "spooched"?

36. Oh, man..

37. Sorry about that!

38. Buster, you bad dog, you.

39. Have a nice day.

40. Young man..

41. Young man! You planning on taking the motorcycle this morning?

42. Are you? Yes or no! - Yes sir, but it's..

43. Helmet! No but's about it!

44. It's for your own safety, dear.

45. Hundreds of thousands of people here cracked their skulls like mellons riding motorcycles.

46. Your mother's right. The statistics don't lie.

47. Helmet, or no motorcycle. End of discussion.

48. Hey, looking good baby!

49. You're gonna have to beat the girls off you with a stick.

50. Nice helmet, loser! Get a life!

51. Nerd!

52. Nice scooter, sissy.

53. Come on guys, come on. Citizen needs a rest, ok?

54. Are you okay, little fella?

55. Don't touch me!

56. Watch the face! No, not there!

57. Hughes, you're late. - No, I finished it last night, ok?

58. Oh, well, that line was yesterday at 5 o'clock, not last night.

59. I'm sorry, I meant to call you. I was working late at the store.

60. Hughes, you are the best writer on my staff.

61. Next to me. I mean, your attention to detail is amperaveled in high school journalism.

62. But if you want to be a reporter.. No, if that is what you want, above all else in this world..

63. It is all about dead lines and dedication.

64. If I ever make out as a senior, and find myself writing for a paper, rather than for anyone, I'm sure this little peptark will have additional meaning.

65. Late, look, no. I have a paper to write, ok?

66. I have a circulation department that counts on me to deliver them the goods, day in, day out.

67. If I deveate just once, the entire ecosystem collapses..

68. Ok, it's not a job. Beeing the editor of Xenia Porcupine Harold is an extra-collicular activity.

69. You know, you should line up and start having some fun.

70. Are you ok? - Yeah.

71. I should've seen that coming. Eight graders are getting pretty consistant.

72. Ok, well, moving on.

73. I was wondering if you would...

74. if we went to the Spring Fling?

75. Spring Fling? - Together.

76. Not like as a date or anything.

77. No, we could do double-coverage there.

78. Who's wearing what, who's dating who..

79. Spring Fling..

80. I was already planning to ask someone.. As a date.

81. But thanks, I'm sure it would've been fun.

82. Hey, no problem.

83. I assumed that you were solo, so..

84. No, this will actually work out much better for me, because I am terrible at picking out..

85. Ok, well.. good chat.

86. I think I'm gonna vomit again. - What happened to you?

87. Erin happened. I did everything you told me to.

88. I stood tall, shoulders back, buff my package, and in she walks.

89. A vision! I'm feeling the vibe, I get ready to ask her to the big dance, then BAM..

90. I vomited what I ate two nights ago. - I get it. Did you puke on her?

91. No, I think I hid it from her really well. I turned and I pretended I was gonna cough,

92. and I cough in my hand, just since I was going to the bathroom.

93. Most of it.. She probably just thought I was nervous or something, you know..

94. Shy..

95. Good morning, girls.

96. That's the one that totally threw up all over himself in front of Erin.

97. Afterwards, she started to cry and had to go home sick.

98. You can still smell it on him.

99. What about you? Today's the big day. Brittany van Horn..

100. I don't think I can go through with this. - Shut your mouth. Brittany has a major ass.

101. Three different guys in colleges have proposed marriage to her. They're doctors, they know good ass.

102. I'm afraid to ask her to the dance. - Afraid of what? That she might laugh at your face?

103. That the other popular kids might mock and criticise you, like that spooky girl with warts last year?

104. Guys like us are immune to those daily rituals.

105. Brittany.

106. Chris...

107. Oh no.. no, not here.

108. Not now, please no.. not here! - Take me now, Chris.

109. Grandma's naked.. wrinkly.

110. First base: kissing Brittany. - Maize.

111. Second base: touching Brittany.

112. Third base.. - Fingering Brittany!

113. Brittany... Would you want to go with me to Spring Fling?

114. It was harsh! Even Prof. Torkenbush started laughing.

115. Why even asking her out? Why? This is your fault, you're the one who made me.

116. These sort of things happen all the time. - To who?

117. To you, that's wh... and me...

118. Does it concern you, that our memories of our time spent in high school suck?

119. Does it bother you that in the future, when people refer to the losers they went to high school with,

120. they will be in fact refering to us?

121. High school is about what you learn.

122. For instance, I've learned you can keep puking on yourself, long after you think you're done.

123. And with diarreia. - What are you talking about? I am serious, Adam.

124. This is supposed to be it, the time of our lives, and It's not.

125. It's not even the half time of our lives.

126. Who are we? What do we stand for? How will we be remembered in fine post graduation?

127. Cool, potatoe fries.

128. Hello ladies. It's the big day for the home team.

129. Adam threw up on Erin, and Chris humiliated himself in History class.

130. I didn't throw up directly on her.. Mostly on my hand.

131. And it was Algebra, not History.

132. Well, that changes everything. Hurray, we really are the popular kids now.

133. Assholes! I thought we voted on Goth.

134. What the hell are you wearing? - It's goth, man.

135. You look like a hairy ugly chick, man. Is that your mother's make-up?

136. Eric, what gives? - Last week? The meeting?

137. We talked about dressing Goth, to strenghten our identity by the end of the year.

138. We talked about it, we didn't vote. - Actually, we didn't talk about it. Murphy did.

139. We ignored him. - Ok, let's get it on right now. Let's vote.

140. All those who favor dressing Goth, raise your hands, raise them high!

141. So Chris, your folks going out of town this weekend? - What? The clock says 15min till the party!

142. Hudson Reed.

143. Does everyone else see them walking... slow?

144. What is it about that guy? He's spent his whole life coming in first place.

145. And I spent mine as runner-up. Will it ever change?

146. No, maybe I was popular in the past life. Maybe in some perlo universe.

147. I'm Hudson Reed, and he's me. - Yea, like in an ultra time continued.

148. When is it my turn to be Hudson? - You guys up for a trading session?

149. What are you doing? Not here, dammit! Never here!

150. That is it! I'm getting sick and tired of this.

151. We are not losers. I bet in other schools, we would be the cool guys.

152. I am not about to graduate as a wimper.

153. I'm going out with a bang.

154. You thinking what I'm thinking? - Probably not, but let me tell you this.

155. Chris Hughes is gonna have the mother of all high school parties.

156. The grandmother of all high school parties.

157. One small problem.. A cool party requires alcohol.

158. For us, it would require huge quantities of alcohol.

159. Boys, while we're away: Chris, you're in charge of the store.

160. And no monkey business.

161. I'm proud of you. When you grab this party thing by the balls.

162. I mean look at you. Stealing alcohol, just to further up our popularity.

163. This is so decent of you. - Thanks, you're doing a good job in clearing my consciousness.

164. Now, will you help me start filling these jugs?

165. You crazy? I'm not going to jail, just because you want to be popular for a day.

166. "Alcohol fame. Drinks, drinks, and more free drinks."

167. "Party like It's still 1999! Come enjoy free drinks and food at Chris Hughes' house!"

168. How many fliers did you give to people? - I don't know. Maybe a thousand.

169. 1000! No, we can't have 1000, ok? I'm definetly gonna get grounded for 1000.

170. We should cancel. We are cancelling, no more. - Holy shit, chicks!

171. Hey Brittany.. and friends. - OTR? On the rack?

172. Inventory. New sample. It's washed.

173. You going to the party tonight?

174. There's no party tonight. Trust me, I would've heard that long before you would.

175. Murphy, educate the ladies.

176. Who's Chris Hugges? - Chris Hughes, that's me.

177. Your name's Chris? - Yea...

178. You kids are gonna want to get there early. We're expecting overflow by 9.

179. Is there going to be liquor? - Which part of "free drinks" on the flier didn't you understand?

180. Are you talking to me? - No.

181. We're outta here. Grab me a pack of cigarretes.

182. So you'll stop by the party? Get jiggy with it?

183. Jiggy.. party... Right...

184. Later.

185. Nice move, she'll definetly be there, man!

186. Put on a condom, I'll get you some. And some biscuits, for later.

187. No.

188. Doyle, bad born guy. No donkey.

189. Let's get this show on the road! - What show? I said no band.

190. No, the show. My dad's huge monster truck porn collection.

191. The folks went bowling last night, and he forgot to lock his closet.

192. Your dad locks his closet? - So I pulled a total Bond, sneaked in and grabbed it.

193. A little pre-party gig, gentlemen.

194. Slide over, bitch! - You slide over, bitch!

195. Who are you calling a bitch? - Bitch, I'm calling you bitch, bitch.

196. Girls, do I need to separate you? - Ok, let's just batten down the hatch, cause here comes the snatch.

197. This is awesome. - Hello there, cowboy.

198. Time to settle up. Is that a gun in your pocket sheriff, or are you just looking to bone me?

199. It looks like your sweet ass needs Brandon. - Adam.. you got this from your dad's closet?

200. Yeah... - That adds a whole new meaning to raw hide.

201. Your dad's playing with the wrong end of the food.

202. Yo, pimp daddies! The Murph is ready for the party.

203. These are my new tailless leather pants. - Cool! Come-small. Now this is a classic.

204. Party's blazin'? Wall to wall losers. What are you boys watching?

205. Nothing. - Bro, that's a dick-flick.

206. - No, no, this is on.. - "Why don't you grab onto my sattle-horn?"

207. .. Discovery Channel. - And what did they discover? That some guy shot the pulp up their ass?

208. That's a high hard one. - Where are you going anyway?

209. To get light... by a girl.

210. I'm not willing to watch gay orgy like my brother. But thanks.

211. "I don't believe I got your name, cowboy? - They call me the rump rangler."

212. "A male pig has a corkscrew shaped penis, which he slowly winds into the female piggy."

213. I don't understand. Free drinks, free food, free drinks. Nothing. Where are the teenagers?

214. Boys! We've got someone coming! - Turn on the music.

215. Hi... okay.

216. No.

217. Kate, wait up.

218. Thanks for stopping by. You don't have to go, you can stay.

219. That's ok. Big crowds kinda make me claustrofobic.

220. Yeah, me too. The fire Marshall was gonna shut us down.

221. But he felt sorry for us. - That makes two of us.

222. You look..

223. different tonight.

224. Different? Really? Different how? Different bad, good, creepy?

225. Good.. different. Yeah, different good.

226. About the Spring Fling.. If the offer still stands..

227. and you haven't asked anyone yet, I was kinda wondering if you..

228. I'd love to. - Really? You would?

229. Then it's... - It's a working day.

230. Umm, well... good chat.

231. So Danny, how was your weekend? - Great father. I read the last Harry Potter book.

232. It was magical. - Reading? Can't go around there.

233. And Chris? - I just worked at the store.

234. Delivered papers, babysat my kid brother. The usual.

235. The usual? That's interesting, because as usual, I was at the store today, doing inventory.

236. And much to my amazement, the considerable ammount of stock was missing and not paid for.

237. Now I find that highly unusual.

238. Chris, care to explain yourself? I mean, were you feeding the homeless again, son?

239. Is that why all my potatoe chips, party dips and pot pies are missing?

240. Or perhaps did the lord Jesus himself drop by and turned all my alcohol into water?

241. Father, you might also wanna question Chris about the hardcore man-on-man gay porno..?

242. You see, there was a... - A party?

243. Is that what there was, son? A bunch of underaged kids running around through our house, no adult supervision?

244. Alcohol, condoms... gay porn!

245. He wishes. -You're grounded. I've already deducted the money from your bank account.

246. "Loser." - I'll get it.

247. Carl. - Harry Potter, huh?

248. I'm looking for Chris Hughes. - You're looking at him.

249. I'm sorry to inform you that your parents are dead. - I was just wishing that. -Excuse me?

250. I hate to break it to you, but everybody's breathing here. Thanks for stopping by and creeping me out though..

251. Your biological parents, Chris. There was an accident.

252. I never met them.

253. They're good people. Decent, hardworking.

254. I was their lawyer. Hunt, Michael. - Mike Hunt.

255. I prefer Michael.

256. I'm so sorry for your loss, Chris. There'll be a reading of the will in Los Angeles, 3 days hence.

257. And my law-firma provides you with 2 airline tickets. Chris, loss is never easy.

258. I'm reminded when the super group Lamb broke up, I was devastated.

259. Sweetie, we love you very much. We tried to give you a better life.

260. You did. You have. I guess I never really thought about them or who they were.

261. They weren't church-going folk. - What does that mean?

262. Son, your parents were..

263. Tell him Carl! -Tell me Carl! - Your mother was a stripper,

264. and your father was a bouncer in a club, where she shook her moneytree.

265. Club Pussay Whipped, I think that's what it was called. Isn't that right, Carl?

266. My parents worked in a club called Pussy Whipped? - Puss-ay Whipped, dear. It's french.

267. Your mother's right. Puss-ay is the correct pronounciation. -We didn't wanna tell you for until you had low self of steam issues.

268. I mean after all, your biological mother beeing a stripper and practically a prostitute,

269. and your biological father having no more ambition than to be a bouncer.

270. It's Spring break, you wouldn't miss school. We want you to be there for the reading of the will.

271. Your father has agreed to postpone you beeing grounded.

272. It's the christian thing to do.

273. But I didn't know them, I mean, you're my parents. - Yes dear, but we're not dead. They are.

274. You disgust me! - Can you hear me now?

275. Ok, we're lost. - Move it!

276. Chris Hughes? - Present.

277. I'm Brookes. Mr. Hunt sent me to retrieve you and your..

278. ..travel companion. Got any other baggage?

279. My dad's a gay alcoholic porn freak.

280. Sweet ride! Yo Brookes, do you know Ice Cube?

281. How about Destiny's Children? - Get in!

282. Let's get down to business. Chris, your biological parents had only one child.

283. They provided you with their future and an estate. - Great, they left you with the string and a pole.

284. Are you familiar with the adult magazine Heaven? - Your mother showed her beaver in Heaven?

285. I masturbated at that magazine. - I apologize for Adam. He's the village idiot. Any village, just pick one.

286. Well, nevertheless, he's correct. Your mother did indeed pose for the magazine.

287. Dude, you're gonna be in therapy forever. I got my dick wet by looking at your mother. How wrong is that?

288. Did my old man sell my mom in the prostitution?

289. Pardon?

290. Even though I didn't know my white trash parents, I take full responsibility for teir death.

291. What's the damage? - Close to 87 million dollars.

292. Fair enough. I mean a paper-out, I have money saved from working at my parents' grocery store.

293. I can work out some sort of payment plan.. Did you just say they left me in debt of $87mil!

294. No, they left you $87mil to spend.

295. But that's just available cash. The real empire is the magazine.

296. What magazine? - Heaven.

297. Chris, your father was Peter Mack. - The founder and publisher of the entire Heaven Empire?

298. Yes, that Peter Mack. That means your mother was..

299. Honey Mack. - As in the biggest breasts on the planet? Angel of the decade?

300. That would be Chris' mother.

301. What does all this mean? - Chris, you're the owner and publisher of Heaven.

302. That's not possible, I'm just a kid. - Just a kid with a rather large bank account,

303. which my law firma would be very happy to continue to administer, at your father's request.

304. Administer away. - Chris, I have some paperwork for you to sign.

305. Not so fast. We're not signing anything, until we have a lawyer look over it.

306. I am a lawyer. - Well, excellent. Chris, go and sign.

307. Are you ready to go home, sir? - To Xenia?

308. No, better. The mansion. - Where the naked angels are?

309. Wipe your mouth. Chris, prepare to get your freecone.

310. Young Mr. Hughes just signed.

311. Who is this? Oh, sorry, wrong number.

312. Pull my finger.

313. Nice one. - That's what a millionaire smells like.

314. We've died and gone to.. - .. Heaven.

315. Are you ready, little man?

316. Come.

317. Don't be scared.

318. Oh my god. Hi, my name is Adam.

319. I'm Chris' right hand man.

320. Oh my god.. Let me take a look at you.

321. Oh, look at you.

322. You're hung like your daddy, and you have eyes like your mother. Bless their souls.

323. You knew my parents? - Oh, very well.

324. Yes, Miss Harding was your father's personal secretary for 15 party-filled years.

325. But there's no time for chit chat. I have several items that need your immediate attention.

326. Sir.

327. After you, sir. - No, I insist, sir.

328. Boys..

329. Hi Chris. -Hey baby! - Well, we're most likely.. -Dead.

330. It's important to us that you understand that we've.. - .. always loved and adored you.

331. And the only reason we gave you up for adoption is because we didn't have any money.

332. Your mother was a stripper.. - Exotic dancer..

333. I was just a bouncer, trying to scrape enough money through life.

334. He always had his eyes turned up for management.

335. But we've found you a great home, with lovely and caring nice people.

336. Your new mom won't be showing her plumbing to the whole world.

337. Son, I'm a moron, and I made millions and I turned those millions into a billion dollar empire.

338. You, Chris, on the other hand, you're smart, talented,

339. ..you're charming. You're a natural born leader.

340. And son, the sky is the limit in what you'll turn this legacy into.

341. And remember, sweetheart: When going down on a lady, always isolate the little man in the boat.

342. Kisses!

343. Those are my parents? - How awesome is that!

344. Which one of you fine young men is Chris? - Me.

345. Come to my arms, my beamish boy!

346. Danger! Danger! Alert! Alert!

347. Let me look at you.

348. It's like having a mirror into the soul.

349. Can I help you? - It is I, little one, that has been left alone in the cruel world, to help you.

350. Look upon me as your spirit guide. Call upon me for anything, count upon me for everything.

351. I am Duncan Mack, your father Peter's brother.

352. Please, call me Duncay. - Uncle Duncay! I have an uncle.

353. Adam, look, I have a new uncle. - When do we get to see the naked girls?

354. We have a lot of catching up to do. But first, the press has been beating down our doors, waiting for a statement from you.

355. Never abuse the press, dear boy. They get far too much pleasure out of it. Your father taught me that.

356. Ladies and Gentlemen. Today marks a new birth for Heaven,

357. as the Mack wings have been passed on to their only child:

358. Chris Hughes Mack.

359. Just Chris Hughes, no Mack.

360. Ladies and Gentlemen, let me present to you the new king of the Heaven empire,

361. and more importantly, my nephew, Chris Hughes Mack.

362. Come on.

363. Hi.

364. Thank you all for coming out. Good night.

365. Hey, Chris, Patty Landry, Enertainment tomorrow.

366. The big question: does the newest, most elegable billionaire bachelor have a girlfriend?

367. Girlfriend? Well, I.. - Brittany Van Horn.

368. Brittany Van Horn? - Brittany van Horn? Well, she's one lucky girl.

369. Speaking of lucky girls, let me introduce to you this month's centerfold

370. and Angel by any other name: Miss Elissa Bauer!

371. Mr. Mack, are you still a virgin?

372. Hello America. As this month's Angel, I can assure you,

373. that Chris will be in very capable hands.

374. And don't forget. This month's issue will be out this monday. I'll see you when you see me.

375. Thank you! Thank you everyone, thank you for coming!

376. I left several messages for Mr. Mike Hunt. I'm starting to worry.

377. Don't worry about it. Danny, pass the country squash, will you?

378. Holy fuck! - Danny, what did you just say!

379. "Young Chris Hughes Mack, raised right here in the heartland of Xenia,

380. was crowned king of the greatest pornography empire on the planet."

381. This can't be good. - Mack? What in god's name..

382. Satan be that name! - ".. the adopted son of local grocers, Carl and Beverly Hughes."

383. I need a drink. - Honey, you don't drink.

384. You're right, maybe I just need an aspirine for this irritating pain.

385. Mom! Dad!

386. Only the losers are working for spring break. - We're working overtime for the kids!

387. We are the kids. - Ok, fine, forget about it. I don't need you, I'll print the damn paper myself.

388. Just go party, drink, fornicate.

389. But let me remind you of this, ok? No high school student has ever just woken up one day and suddenly become a millionaire.

390. "The local Xenia High School Senior, Chris Hughes Mack, inherited a whopping $87mil today."

391. Check you out, bro.

392. Tonight is your night. You're the boss; anything you need, you just ask for it.

393. Brittany Van Horn?

394. This is just so exciting! He's worth billions and I'm his girlfriend.

395. We've been dating ever since 3rd grade. - I can't believe he said your name on TV.

396. That's huge. You're so lucky. - Tell me about it.

397. We're gonna get married and I'm gonna get out of this stupid town.

398. Frank is such a cutie-pie. - Chris.

399. What? -His name is Chris. Your future husband's name is.. Chris..

400. Hughes. - Whatever, like that matters.

401. So how does it feel? - Like leaning back too far in a chair.

402. If you are anything like your father, you will be just fine.

403. I just wish I would've known him. - He was smooth as soak.

404. He was the one who got me take off all my clothes.

405. Good old dad. So, Angel of the Month, are your folks proud of you for..

406. .. taking off my clothes? - Something like that.

407. They're ok with it. Plus, it's artistic nudes, not those lame beaver shots.

408. You see, most of the mags want you all oiled up,

409. and spread wide eagle.. maybe going down with some girl.

410. Which is cool and all, but where's the art in it?

411. Would you excuse me one second? I have to use the men's.. room..

412. Excuse me. - Elissa!

413. Chris!

414. Looking good, baby.

415. You're Heather McKay, Angel of February! You're the most limber woman I have ever seen, including Ricky Martin.

416. I've jerked at your pictures so many times, that my blisters have blisters,

417. and I just didn't say that out loud, did I? - It's ok. I've heard it all before.

418. You must have gotten my letters. You must have gotten my letters.

419. This? This isn't real. It's a new fad. I can get you one.

420. Really? No thank you.

421. We've got a lot in common; turn on's, sunsets, long walks on the beach.

422. Manhood riding motorcycles. You're a Pisces, I'm a Leo.

423. You were a high school cheerleader. I currently attend high school.

424. The name's Adam, but my friends call me.. - Dumpy!

425. I need to talk to you. - Chris? Hi. I'm your february Angel.

426. Heather. - Chris, buddy!

427. You two aren't friends, are you? - I need to talk to you now!

428. Hey! I was looking for you. - Hey. Something came up.

429. Come on Mr. Chairman, are you ready for your "shake-your-booty" dance? - I'm the son of Peter Mack.

430. My booty was born ready to shake. - Well, let's go.

431. It's just bad luck. If they died before he was 18,

432. this estate would have automatically belong to you.

433. It's dreadful! Just thinking about him puts me into coma. I mean, where the hell is Xenia, Ohio, anyway?

434. It's near Columbus. - I know where it is.

435. I've lived for 10 years under the shadow of my idiot brother,

436. and now, everything's in the hands of this idiot child.

437. I don't know how long I can keep up with this "uncy duncay" routine, before I break his head!

438. The important thing here is to make sure he does not catch wind with your fancy math with the books.

439. I don't wish to go to jail for embezzlement.

440. Consuelo, hold it!

441. Nobody is going to jail. Especially not me.

442. And if anybody has to go to jail, it will be you. So put this on your legal post-it's: "never mention embezzlement again!"

443. Let's just focus on trying to keep it together for a few weeks.

444. I can convene the board of directors the minute he misses the issue's dead line.

445. Then, the entire empire is all ours. - It's mine! It's mine!

446. It's mine!

447. I spoke to your mother this morning. - How is she doing?

448. Is she gonna be medicated? - No, why? -Never mind.

449. It seems like everybody in Xenia, Ohio, are a little baddy over this whole incident.

450. She's concerned that all this pressure will get to you.

451. Pressure?

452. You have next month's issue to get to print, not to mention the preparations for the next board of directors meeting.

453. And let's see.. the real estate approvals..

454. Can't you do all that? - I'd love to... help you out.

455. But It's not my company, Chris. It's yours.

456. I am simply here to smooth the transition to you.

457. Does Chris get to pick the nudy girls? - Of course. To run Heaven is to be the final say, and who becomes an Angel.

458. I love this job already. - Good, because today, I thought we could begin with financial quotion reviews.

459. Financial quotion reviews? - I love hard work.

460. There was a reporter on the phone, calling from Xenia Porcupine.

461. Kate! - Psycho-lesbo.

462. Hello Kate. - Chris, I saw it on the news. Everybody did.

463. I know, I still can't believe it. - Chris, I hope you grant the Porcupine Exclusive.

464. Yeah, sure. - So, I guess I'll see you in a couple of days then.

465. The Spring Fling. I wouldn't miss it. - Good morning boys.

466. Guess what, my mom went out and got me a new dress.

467. I hope you'll like it.

468. Hello? - Good morning. -Good morning.

469. What are you doing here? -Hello? - We live here.

470. For a few months at least. All the Angels that live in the mansion were promoting the magazine.

471. Chris, your dad was a fucking Einstein!

472. Would you guys like to come out with us to the pool? - A refreshing dip in the water? Yes!

473. No, we can't. We have to work. - Work? But you're the big boss.

474. Couldn't we do this later? - The issue has to get to print,

475. and you have a lot of catching up to do. But you're the big boss, it's your decision.

476. Chris, might I conference with you for the moment? Excuse us.

477. Two hot chicks who seemingly have no issues with nudity want to hang out with us.

478. This is our chance to lose virginity.

479. Uncle Duncay, time for a lunch break. Books and charts are gonna have to wait.

480. By order of the big boss.

481. That's it!

482. It's cool.

483. Let's play.

484. I am so glad that we spent time getting to know you.

485. Yeah Chris, I'm happy that your folks died.

486. Mind if I come in? - Yes, I do. Can you please leave?

487. Can I offer you something to drink?

488. Why Mr. Bond, aren't we a little too young to drink? - Age has no power over style.

489. Slow down, stud. -Care for a bubblebath? - I don't think so.

490. Oh, please..

491. What are you doing? - Nice.

492. Cheesy..

493. Oh, give me this.

494. I just stopped by to check on you. And all this week has been pretty crazy.

495. I mean, you're just a kid, and now you.. - Wait.. I'm not a kid..

496. I'm a man. - I'm sorry, you're absolutely right.

497. But you know, no matter how old someone is, this kind of change in lifestyle can be pretty jolly.

498. I guess I'll try my hardest getting used to be a multi-millionaire.

499. If you ever need anybody to talk to, I just want you to know that I am always here.

500. By "talking", you mean.. - You are barking up the wrong tree, cowboy.

501. Look, I'm a rich 18 year old virgin. That makes me grade A prime USDA Beefcake.

502. We're talking zero chances of mad cow desease, baby. - Well, this is not going to happen.

503. You are a great guy, and there's some great girl out there for you.

504. Me.. I'm just a fantasy. And you know all that for the right girl.

505. Can we snuggle? - Sure.

506. Make it? - What did I just tell you? Give me this remote.

507. I was wondering when you'd show up, big boy. - Then tonight's your lucky night.

508. Adam? You surprised me.

509. I saw the way you eyed me at the club. Maybe it's time I bump you.

510. That's really sweet, I'm overwhelmed.

511. Do you believe in love at first sight?

512. Or at the very least, you can stalk someone enough until they panic and give it up.

513. Where's Chris? - Who knows? Who cares?

514. Tonight's about us. Una noche de I'amour.

515. I saw Titanic a bunch of times. I cried.

516. Did you?

517. If I gave you a good night kiss..

518. .. would you tell me what Chris' favourite gifts might be?

519. Yes, I think that's an excellent trade. - Come on then, before I change my mind.

520. I think that's mine. I'm so sorry.

521. How's it going? - Like sucking on anaconda's dick.

522. Where's your uncle? - Thankfully, he's meeting with the board of directors on my behalf.

523. You let uncle Duncay go by himself? - No, Mike Hunt volunteered to go with him.

524. Chris, It's not my place to say anything, but your uncle and Hunt..

525. Brookes, say whatever you want to say. - They're a couple of bitch-ass thieves.

526. Duncan wants Heaven for himself, he's just waiting for you to fuck it up.

527. You're wrong, this is my uncle we're talking about. My dad trusted him, and I don't see no reason why I shouldn't.

528. Yea, well, you're the boss. - Yea I am! And don't you forget that!

529. Hey Chris. Are you.. indecent?

530. I bought you a little present. - That's totally cool of you.

531. I didn't get you anything. - It's ok, you will.

532. I hope you'll like it.

533. You don't see this every day. - I do. Oh Chris!

534. What are you doing? - I'm getting ready to show you how to use your dick.

535. Let's watch a movie. - Get your man thing out and let's get down to business.

536. Wait! Stop it! Shouldn't I meet your parents first?

537. Kinky.. me like it.. You're not legit to anything, are you?

538. Why did you ask that? - I like to use a lot of props. Come to mama.

539. Chris... Chris? Chris!

540. Heather, what the hell did you do?

541. What do you think I did? - You should be ashamed of yourself, he's just a boy.

542. A boy worth a billion dollars. Don't tell me you haven't thought about it.

543. I cannot believe you had sex with him, especially with his condition.

544. Condition? What condition?

545. Herpes, measles, crabs, hepatitis, pink eye.

546. Pink eye? Gross.

547. Actually, nothing happened. He passed out on me, thank god.

548. If he asks for me, tell him I've..

549. You know what? Why don't you just go, okay? We'll take care of it.

550. Are you sure? Thank you. You guys are the best.

551. Beverly, remember. When Chris gets home, no special treatment. He's still grounded.

552. Yes dear, we should consider cutting his allowance. That'll teach him a lesson.

553. Spring Fling

554. Hello? Hello?

555. So lovely you could make it.

556. Hi! I didn't know you're gonna be here.

557. Hi. Bonjour. Guttentagen.

558. You're looking fine. You're looking hot. Whazzup biatch?

559. The magazine looks great. I was thinking, maybe I could help you out with it when we get married?

560. Hi Chris, I love you so much.

561. You're so cute, and sexy.

562. Chris, I'd love to go to Mexico with you.

563. Chris, I'm so glad I met you cousins.

564. Hi. I was just..

565. You look great.

566. Love crousages. Did you know "crousage" is french?

567. Ok, don't forget to have your pictures taken. Go Porcupines!

568. Good chat.

569. Stand on the X, chin up, smile.

570. Next.

571. Stand on the X, chin up, smile.

572. Geeks! - Yea, I want you baby, yea!

573. Ok, next song.

574. Everyone, check out the football field! You're not gonna believe it!

575. Oh, awesome. Since I have your attention, my name's Murphy.

576. Who cares?

577. I've pretty much gone to school with all of you since elementary school.

578. And I thought tonight might be a good time to get to know eachother.

579. Hello Xenia!

580. Anyone else see them walking slow? - What's up, Chris? - Good to see you!

581. Thanks for the drive-by.

582. Hey Chris. You're looking good. - Tell me something I don't know, Chiquita.

583. I've been thinking about you ever since you said my name on TV. Do you really think of me as your girlfriend?

584. Did I stutter when I said it?

585. Welcome back, Hughes. I see we've moved just beyond blowing off dead lines.

586. Hey Katie. It's all good to be back and keeping it real with my people.

587. How does it feel to be a smud-peddler? New prince of porn.

588. Artistic nudes. And you wanna know something? It feels pretty damn good.

589. Maybe with your money, you can buy yourself some common sense.

590. What's wrong with you, Katie? - Gee, I don't know.. ASSHOLE!

591. You were supposed to be her date tonight.

592. Smooth move, Mr. Iglesias.

593. Chris wants to dance with women, who have dumps like a truck.

594. I thought you'd never ask. - Chris wants the other Angels to join us.

595. Good idea! Ladies, Chris and I would like you to join us on the dancefloor to help celebrate our togetherness.

596. Oh, and feel free to bring your little black buddy.

597. How about I feel free to hang my foot out of your ass?

598. Go Chris! Go Chris! Go Chris!

599. Thank you, Jesus.

600. Get up off the floor, son. Have you lost your marbles in your mind?

601. Hi boys. I'll be out in a minute. - No problem.

602. And you would be..? - Naked, wet and soapy.

603. Danny, invert your eyes, son! Get out! Danny, stop looking!

604. Sorry, Miss..? - May. Now, if you don't mind..

605. Of course.

606. By the way, there's towels there if you should need them.

607. And a hairdryer there. - Bye.

608. I got in last night. They needed a place to sleep, so I said they could stay here. Shoot me for beeing kind.

609. Son, we're just glad you're home, safe and sound. Now maybe we can put all this pornography business behind us and..

610. .. start all over. So, you're back to beeing grounded.

611. Anyone for panacakes? -Grounded! Sometimes, you both are so very.. Xenia.

612. Good morning, girls.

613. What can I make you? Would you like some bacon and cheese omlettes?

614. Why don't you ease up on your SLEE-P-TIME, now that your flu is over?

615. Honey, stop screwing like a one legged eskimo, you're not the one to criticise.

616. Angels, time to go. I'll drop you off at the airport on the way to school. - Mr. Mack, the car's ready when you are.

617. Who the hell are you? What the hell are you all doing in my house, and since when were you Mr. Mack?

618. This is Brookes, he works for me. And I was born Mack.

619. This package came from the board of directors and it is marked "urgent".

620. Yes, about the up-comming issue.

621. I'll make sure he gets it. - I prefer to give it to him myself.

622. Young Chrissy will get his package. I promise you.

623. I gotta go, I'll see you in class. Can your little Britney get some cash?

624. Working on your big words, Brittany?

625. Thanks.

626. Hughes, you promised a school paper interview. Is this afternoon ok?

627. Interview.. right.. this afternoon? - No good. How about next tuesday?

628. Chris, I realize who you are and all, but I have a paper to run here.. dead lines..

629. Katie, I'd like to help, really, but certainly you can appreciate that while you have a subscriber base of 300 free readers, and I have..

630. You do the math. So, today's a no go. But I can send you a couple of signed photos.

631. I'm wearing a turtle neck. -You're pathetic. What was I thinking?

632. You tell Mr. Mack to forget about the interview. And also, he's fired from the newspaper.

633. What did she say? Fired? That's funny. Katie, I can buy your crappy paper.

634. I can buy this town, this school. I can buy you.

635. You're wrong. I think I'm the only thing around here that's probably not for sale.

636. And for the record, I haven't been Katie since 6th grade, when you kissed me on the sea.

637. It's Kate!

638. That went well.

639. Chris.

640. Chris!

641. My parents will be out of town tomorrow night. Why don't you come over and check out my new bikini?

642. I'll pencil you in.

643. If we take a fraction of the number and divide it into quarters.. Mr. Hughes?

644. Beats me. Algebra has never really been my thing.

645. I'm a lover, not a calculator.

646. Mr. Hughes, this is important. Perhaps you might wanna apply yourself here,

647. you'll find Algebra to be an important part of any business.

648. I agree. That's why I pay the people to know it. I'm a big picture guy.

649. Leave the details to the math club losers.

650. Mr. Hughes, I understand that your life has undergone some significant changes,

651. but without an education, son, the ability that you really succeed in this world is greatly hampered.

652. Define success. I'm worth half a billion dollars. I'm chairman of one of the largest media conglomerates on the planet.

653. All without passing your lousy algebra class. I'm set for life, that's success.

654. Time's up. Good lecture though.

655. By the way, I noticed your subscription to Heaven was getting ready to laps.

656. Next year's on me.

657. Can I get some Washington's, Franklin's and Nixon's?

658. Jane wants to do a feature on you. - If it's a cover story, I'll pass.

659. Well, Miss Harding left a couple of messages. She says it's urgent.

660. Miss Harding doesn't tell me what's urgent, I tell her what's urgent.

661. Besides, It's all lame paper work bullshit anyway. Uncle Duncay and Mike Hunt have to deal with it.

662. Your mother, not the dead one, but the one in her sleepy time.. her birthday is today.

663. Organise a dinner, send flowers, get a present. Make it personal.

664. Chris, this is the best chinese-american birthday I've ever had.

665. Happy birthday to you!

666. Happy birthday to you!

667. Happy birthday, Beverly!

668. Happy birthday, mother.

669. My favourite: summer sausage.

670. Yummy, yummy!

671. Dildo.

672. You gave my mom a dildo? - You said "make it personal".

673. Jesus, what is this? - Dad, relax, it's on me.

674. Chris, that is absolutely unacceptable. Money does not grow on trees. -Relax, Carlie.

675. Let the bill at him.

676. Your credit card is no good. - That's impossible, I'm a billionaire.

677. You are broken. Who will pay for meal? - This is a mistake. Run it again.

678. Here, I'll pay.

679. This one's on dad. - Thanks dad.

680. Someone is gonna get fired for this. - It's not gonna be me, I'm your dad.

681. Shit! I was gonna go see Brittany tonight. - Watch your language! -Happy birthday mom.

682. Look at you, little man. You're looking good.

683. Show what a man you are.

684. Those are "Magnum's". Don't loose yourself in there.

685. Hey sexy.

686. I was getting worried you weren't coming.

687. Chris Hughes Mack never misses a chance to.. come.

688. Anytime, anyplace. - Great.

689. Sucker?

690. I have the whole place set up.

691. This is gonna be a night that neither one of us will ever forget.

692. And I'm just so glad it's with you.

693. So I think you know everyone.

694. So I thought we'd take a few preliminary photos here..

695. .. and I guess you'll fly me out to Los Angeles for my main photo shoot.

696. Do I need an agent? - This is all about your modelling career?

697. No, silly. Modelling leads to acting, and acting leads to be on a game show.

698. I gotta go. - What about my photo shoot?

699. Fix it! If you don't fix it, start looking for another job!

700. Chris, I need to talk to you. - Morons! I am dealing with complete morons.

701. Apparently, next month's issue has been scrapped. It's not gonna make it to the stands on time.

702. Someone forgot to get their shit together and authorize all the photographic and editorial content.

703. I was thinking a lot about us. - Those assholes are blaming me.

704. Whatever it is, I'm sure you'll figure something out. - They froze my accounts.

705. I don't have any access to any of my money. I could lose everything.

706. Would that be so bad? A few weeks ago, you didn't have any of it.

707. Life is ok. You, me, Scooter, Murphy, even Doyle. We had some good times.

708. I'm about to lose a major financial empire, and you're here to remember me about the past?

709. That's the difference between you and me. I see the big picture, you don't see any picture!

710. You really are an asshole. - Chris, over here, I saved you a seat.

711. i'll be right there, ok? - No, no! You better hurry up.

712. I don't want to take your hard earned popularity.

713. You're the new Hudson.

714. I left messages for my uncle repeatedly, ok? I don't give a shit, find him!

715. It's my company, ok? It's mine!

716. So sorry, Mr. Hughes will have to call you back.

717. He's in a big meeting discussing merging his big ass with my foot.

718. No deal! No deal!

719. Guess this is one of those fancy new digital phones, huh?

720. Fight! Fight! - Get up, pussy, fight!

721. Get up! Come on, richy bitch, get up before I piss all over your face.

722. You might wanna get up, Chris. Someone pissing on your face is never pleasant.

723. Where's the helicopter now, huh? - Don't be stupid, ok? Just lie there.

724. You get up this second and kick Hudson's ass! You're embarassing me. -Shut up, Brittany!

725. Yea, shut up Brittany! - Just get up, dick-lick!

726. Aaa, mommy!

727. Mr. Mack, was this pussy trying to clown you? - As a matter of fact, he was.

728. Stop, you're breaking my hand, man. - You see, Mr. Mack is a good friend of mine.

729. So stop bullying him. Now, If I hear that you even look at Mr. Mack again, I'm gonna come into your house, late at night, while you're asleep,

730. rip off your little dick and fuck you with it!

731. Are we clear?

732. Goot talking to you, bitch-ass.

733. Chris! - Not now, Brittany.

734. Ah, young Chris, just the lad we were hoping to see.

735. Uncle Duncay, Mike Hunt.. What are you two doing here?

736. A hasty trip, an emergency board meeting. We need your signature.

737. They have asked me to step in as chairman. - But you can't, I'm already chairman.

738. Technically, Chris, you're not anymore. - Technically my ass. This is my company.

739. No, this is my company now, as it was always meant to be.

740. You are a teenager. How should I say this? Who's mommy and daddy did not love him quite enough, got rid of him,

741. and out of foolish guilt, left you a company, over which you are not equipped to preside.

742. Party's over, dude. - Who gives a royal shit? I don't care, I run the damn company.

743. I'll spend my money. - About the money..

744. The stipulation in the will stipulates, that the money and assets are yours, as long as you're running the company.

745. Which, clearly as of now, you are not. - I'm sorry, Cindefella, back to your pumpkin.

746. From the looks of it, going from the mansion to here is like living in a penthouse without an elevator.

747. Oh well, It's too bad, so sad.

748. Now, if you'll excuse me. - Wait! That's it?

749. You want a hug? No, wait, Elissa..

750. Elissa wanted me to say that she's very disappointed in you.

751. Get the hell out of my house.

752. Brookes, to the plane.

753. Hey. - Hey. I left you a little something in your room.

754. Your parents want you to have it someday.

755. Keep it real, little man. - I'll remember you most of all, scarecrow.

756. And I'll miss you too, Dorothy.

757. Miss Daisy is getting impatient.

758. Young Chris Hughes, formerly Chris Hughes Mack, of Xenia, Ohio, has lost his lofty wings of flight.

759. The King of pornography has been given a vote of "no confidence" by the board of directors,

760. thus ending this short lived rain.

761. Trade places with me. Please?

762. "Our Boy"

763. My son, the sky's the limit in what you'll turn this legacy into.

764. Kate? Hello, Kate, are you here?

765. "Be careful what you wish for" by Kate Reeves.

766. "Once upon a time, they used to say 'what a nice boy', and it was true."

767. "He represents the best of Xenia, also true."

768. "If you ever had just one friend, it should be him. True again."

769. "He's smart, sweet and funny, and will make some girl very happy."

770. "True words were never spoken."

771. "I know because I grew up in Xenia, wishing that I would be that girl."

772. "But then, one day, something happened."

773. "On his journey to fame and fortune, Chris Hughes left his road, littered with the broken hearts of those who loved him."

774. "And the process showed that in the best of people can hide the worst of men."

775. It doesn't get any better if you read it.

776. Well written, nicely done.

777. Explain, why are you here? - I was just in the neighbourhood.

778. So, when does the article run? - It doesn't.

779. I re-read it.

780. Boy meets money, boy loses money, or becomes a total mess,

781. hoping his old friends will remember him. I think it's pretty played out.

782. Kate, look, I know I've been a jerk to you, and I have been for a long time.

783. The thing is, I've waited my whole life for something magical to happen..

784. .. and when it did, I lost sight that my life was already full of really special people.

785. A family who loves me, friends that are there for me.

786. And you. - Me?

787. For as long as I can remember, you've been sniffing Brittany van Horn's grass.

788. I like clarity to see that someone wonderful was already in my life.

789. I'm sorry Kate. For everything, I'm sorry.

790. I don't know if your answer will be yes, but I really need your help.

791. I need your double D's.

792. No, not those. Those are nice.

793. If this has anything to do with your trashy porno magazine, the answer is... no.

794. Before you blow me off, think about it. Heaven subscription base is huge.

795. You literate horny men. -Well, better to be exposed to the brilliant radiance of Kate Reeves?

796. Award-winning Kate Reeves. - Award winning, yes..

797. What's in it for me, Mack?

798. Platform for issues, your concernes, your stand on feminism,

799. and it's Hughes, not Mack.

800. Does this mean you're not mad at me anymore, or you are mad and that's the way of expressing..

801. You forgot "fumo". - Bite me! I'm such a lame-ass.

802. No, it's really good. Not even a real stoner could have pulled that off.

803. Thanks man. I'll take my marijuana wisdom seriously. -What are you doing here?

804. I came by to..

805. I came by to apologize.

806. I was so concerned about finding an identity, and wanting to be remembered for something in high school,

807. and I forgot the most important thing; It's not what you're remembered for, but who remembers you.

808. And I don't want any of you guys to forget me, because I'll never forget you.

809. Come here, buddy.

810. But I do know both of you taught me about my own responsibility. -You already are, son.

811. I'm so proud. - Get here to the future owner of the store.

812. We'll be there.

813. Angels..

814. We've got a mission.

815. Welcome to Xenia.

816. Little man! Miss Harding sends her love.

817. Hi! So good to see you!

818. Good! Beautiful! Really beautiful!

819. Guys!

820. Who's the pretty girl?

821. Good.

822. And thus, with our diversification into film on TV, and of course, the internet.

823. The new millenium for Heaven, under my command, looks brighter than ever.

824. Any questions? - I have one.

825. My question, uncle Duncay, is whether or not you made it known to the board

826. your plan to sell off the Heaven empire? Bit by tiny bit, at insider prices.

827. That is absolutely not true. Security?

828. According to this documentation, the only liar with the dull face seems to be you.

829. But I'm curious, uncle Duncay. How long have you been embezzling from this corporation?

830. Embezzling! Embezzling? That is an outrage!

831. Boy, you are way out of line, and you do not have the floor. These are all false accusations.

832. I'm yielding the floor to young Mr. Hughes.

833. Betsy, sweetheart, only a majority stock holder, which I happen to be,

834. can even be on the floor in order to yield it, during the board of directors' meeting.

835. You should have read the will a little more closely, Duncay darling.

836. Your brother left me a shit load of stock. - You still need to suck it.

837. I'll suck in it. -Don't tell me, please. My brother made you a majority stockholder?

838. Duncay, I could retire of the stock he left me,

839. but if I did, there'd be no one to keep tabs on Mike Hunt in your ass.

840. Ok, eyes front people. This little freak show is a waste of your valuable time.

841. It is now my sad duty to inform you that your novice publisher, Mr. Hughes, has ignored his responsibilities.

842. The result beeing, that for the first time in its history, Heaven magazine will miss its publishing date.

843. And lose subscribers, angry advertisers, and zero profit. -That's what I wanna talk about.

844. According to our by-laws, anyone wishing to address the board of directors, must file a petition.

845. Additionaly, 100 signatures is required, just to be.. - It looks to me to be 100 signatures.

846. Don't it, bitch?

847. Oh look at that! 100 signatures!

848. I still have the floor. - Duncan, on behalf of the board of directors, please, sit down.

849. I haven't cast my vote yet.

850. Let the boy talk.

851. What do you have to say for yourself?

852. Hello.

853. I baked some cookies.

854. As you all know, I inherited the Heaven Corporation.

855. My father never missed the dead line, and neither will I.

856. Ladies.

857. What the hell is going on?

858. Enjoy reading this month's issue of Heaven.

859. We had a lot of fun putting it together.

860. Guess the look is new and fresh, but so am I.

861. With this issue, as of today, we are right on time for the market place,

862. and under budget, which spells "profit".

863. Order! Order! - I had about enough out of Mike Hunt.

864. All in favor re-instating my man Chris as chairman of Heaven, can I get a wog-wog?

865. As my first official act, I would like to appoint Miss Betsy Harding and Mr. Andy Brookes to see over the editorial staff.

866. Until I graduate college, Heaven is in their hands.

867. Let's get a freak on!

868. What?

869. Was it as good for you as it was for me?