What Women Want (2000)

1. You know the expression "a man's man"?

2. A man's man is the leader of the pack.

3. The kind of man other men look up to,

4. admire and emulate.

5. A man's man is the kind of man who...

6. just doesn't get what women are about.

7. Nick, my ex-husband, is the ultimate man's man.

8. I probably never should have married him.

9. I don't think he understood a thing about me.

10. This is Nick Marshall's office. Do you want a peek?

11. Don't worry. He never gets in before ten.

12. He'll send you on more errands than anyone in the company.

13. He can't do anything for himself.

14. He's the least politically-correct guy in the universe.

15. He's the king of all the T and A ads that we do.

16. You want babes in bikinis, he's your man.

17. My dad? How can I best describe him?

18. He's always been like an uncle to me.

19. Yeah. Uncle Dad.

20. Although Nick was a charmer.

21. Completely irresistible at first.

22. Which feeds into the whole "Man's man" thing.

23. You know about Nick's mother, right?

24. Because once you understand about Nick's mother,

25. you understand Nick.

26. Nick was actually born and raised in Las Vegas.

27. Nick's mother was a real honest-to-God Las Vegas showgirl.

28. When other boys were outside riding their bikes and playing ball,

29. Nick was backstage, hanging with the girls.

30. He was their mascot.

31. Their little pet.

32. They couldn't get enough of those baby blues.

33. If you ask me, Nick's mother just about killed it

34. for every woman Nick would ever meet.

35. She had a lot of sugar daddies in her life,

36. but only one true love.

37. The boy with the family jewels.

38. 17, 18, 19, 20...

39. And since Nick didn't have a father,

40. his mom made sure he was always surrounded

41. by strong male role models,

42. men her little boy could really look up to.

43. Keep counting, kid.

44. There was nothing normal about the way Nick Marshall was raised.

45. So what can you expect?

46. You don't have to be Freud

47. to figure out this was one cock-eyed way to enter the world.

48. Don't you ever knock?

49. It's almost ten. You gotta go to work and I gotta vacuum.

50. And don't... Another one who wears vanilla perfume!

51. Don't you know any women who don't smell like candy?

52. Could you toss me my lighter, babe?

53. Babe? What am I, a little pig?

54. I don't have time to make you no onion bagels,

55. so please do not beg, OK?

56. And just for the record...

57. I don't like finding these things.

58. What kind of woman wears this?

59. My mother wore underwear like that. Just put them somewhere, babe.

60. "Babe" is going to put it in the trash, so your mother can excuse me.

61. Do you ever consider dating a woman that wears real underwear?

62. You know, that covers the entire bottom?

63. No. If I do, shall I call you?

64. I'm going to go clean the kitchen.

65. You couldn't toast me a little bagel?

66. Cream cheese, tomatoes, capers? Please?

67. - I can't think on an empty stomach. - OK.

68. But only because you didn't call me little pig.

69. OK. You got it, babe.

70. Mr. Marshall, how you doing today?

71. - Fit as a dancing bear. - I'll get that cab for you.

72. That's some set of pipes.

73. - You have an excellent day, sir. - And you.

74. At ease.

75. Oh, I'm so sorry!

76. I absolutely did not mean to do that. Let me get that for you.

77. - It's OK. - No, I'm mortified.

78. I can see your hands are full. Let me get the door for you.

79. - Thank you. - No. Thank you.

80. Half cup, grande, non-fat, thick foam, wet cap, no lid.

81. - So when do you find out? - Today, I think.

82. Unless I didn't get it and then I will just never find out.

83. I didn't get it. They were looking for an earth mother.

84. I overheard the director say I was more space cadet.

85. I'm an actress. I can be whatever you want.

86. Is that true? Can you?

87. It better be true or I'm stuck playing ditsy coffee-shop girl.

88. Thanks.

89. Oh. Hi, Nick.

90. Hi.

91. Lola, my love, when are you going to let me buy you dinner?

92. Nick, I'm not your type. Trust me on this one.

93. Cappuccino, extra foam. Tall or grande?

94. Grande.

95. - At least I like to think so. - Next.

96. Rumour has it that I'm getting some really big news at work today.

97. Why don't we celebrate? I'll buy you a cup of coffee.

98. Memo to you - I work in a coffee shop.

99. Hi. What can I get you?

100. Do you want me to stop asking you out?

101. This'll just take a sec.

102. If that's what you want, give me the word and I'll stop.

103. Yes. I'm going to give you the word because I'm an actress,

104. or at least trying to be one. I'm trying to concentrate on that,

105. so it would be a good thing if you wouldn't mind...

106. Stop asking me out.

107. You seem so stressed.

108. I am stressed. I have a lot on my plate.

109. Let's not talk now. Why don't I meet you here tomorrow, say 10:30?

110. OK. That would be good.

111. - So it's a date? - It's a date. Thank you.

112. Sir, that was inspiring.

113. I know.

114. Good morning. Sloane Curtis.

115. - Good morning, Mr. Marshall. - Hi. What's the dirt?

116. - I was at breakfast... - Hey, Norm. You winning?

117. I heard Miller's shopping around, looking for a new agency.

118. Miller Lite. I know. I'm all over it.

119. I heard Darcy McGuire left BBD & O.

120. - Morning, Angela. - Left or was fired?

121. I don't know. But everyone's thrilled.

122. Well. So much for edgy female vision.

123. So that girl we met last night at the club?

124. Nothing happened after you put her in the cab?

125. It did? Something happened? She said she had to be in bed early.

126. I had her in bed by eleven. Or was it a quarter to?

127. You are a genius. You know that?

128. What can I tell you? I'm blessed.

129. And today is my lucky day.

130. Not only is my ex-wife Gigi remarrying, right about now,

131. but Wanamaker wants to see me first thing. Called twice to confirm.

132. Call me when he makes it official.

133. It won't be so easy for you to suck up to "Creative Director", you know.

134. I'll make us a lunch res to celebrate.

135. Don't count your chickens, huh?

136. One o'clock?

137. - Pick you up. - Can I borrow this?

138. Hey, Dina. Do you know the difference between a wife and a job?

139. What is it?

140. After ten years, the job still sucks.

141. I wouldn't do that if I were you. No.

142. - Oh, Mr. Marshall. Hi. - Hey.

143. I put the Gillette storyboards on your desk, picked up your shoes,

144. today's staff meeting was cancelled, and I also got your cigarettes.

145. - The staff meeting was cancelled? - That's what I was told.

146. Good morning, girls.

147. Good afternoon, sire.

148. Anybody know why the staff meeting was cancelled?

149. Nobody called us.

150. But Mr. Wanamaker wants to see you as soon as you get in,

151. which I told his office was 15 minutes ago.

152. I know.

153. You couldn't show up on time? You're being promoted.

154. But you look very sharp. Like a creative director.

155. Very distinguished.

156. Can you two handle yourselves on the 44th floor?

157. Are you kidding? We were made for the 44th floor.

158. Now get up there so we can break out the bubbly.

159. - Don't wait up. - Don't wait up!

160. - He's so adorable. - The cutest thing!

161. I'm sorry. I was in the board meeting that would never end.

162. - Been here long? - A couple of minutes.

163. Jess, can I get a cup of decaff and some Tylenols?

164. And Echinacea and some club soda. I've got something on my tie.

165. You know what? Just get me another tie.

166. I saw the mock-ups you did for Johnny Walker. They are fantastic.

167. That's my job, Dan.

168. You know I'm not great at making speeches,

169. especially when you don't write them!

170. So I'll do my best. I've been in this racket over 30 years,

171. and let me tell you, it doesn't get easier, it gets harder and harder.

172. The '80s were our glory days.

173. They were all about alcohol, tobacco and cars.

174. I was on top of my game.

175. And then in the '90s,

176. men simply stopped dominating how the dollars were spent,

177. and we lost our compass.

178. Women between the ages of 16 and 24

179. are the fastest-growing consumer group in the country.

180. We're talking about girls born in the mid-80s,

181. who control our advertising dollars.

182. Sorry. No Echinacea. Hi, Nick.

183. - Hey. - Red or lavender?

184. Red. No... Lavender. That's good.

185. While we've been getting our rocks off shooting beer commercials

186. with the Swedish bikini team, the industry's been transformed.

187. We were the agency in town ten years ago.

188. Now we're struggling to be third.

189. If we don't evolve, and think beyond our natural ability,

190. we're going to go down.

191. "Think beyond our..."? I'm not quite clear what you mean, Dan.

192. What do you know about Darcy McGuire?

193. I heard she just left BBD & O.

194. I never met the woman, but I hear she's a real man-eater.

195. She won that Cleo last year for the ad about the...

196. Oh, yeah, right. That was her? I forgot about that.

197. I wish I had. Oh, boy. I hear she is a bitch on wheels.

198. That's very funny.

199. Yeah. Why?

200. Because I just hired her.

201. To do what?

202. You know I love you, Nick,

203. but it's a woman's world out there,

204. and getting into a woman's psyche is not exactly your strong suit.

205. You can get into their pants better than anybody, but not their psyche.

206. You hired Darcy McGuire to do what?

207. She hasn't done it on her own yet, but somebody was going to grab her.

208. And she's smart, Nick. She's very smart.

209. You made her Creative Director, didn't you?

210. I'm sorry, buddy, but I've got the board breathing down my neck.

211. She's coming in today. You'll meet her. Come on, roll with this.

212. Work with her. She's got what I need to keep this place afloat.

213. She's got what you need meaning she's a woman?

214. How can we compete with that?

215. He's coming. He's coming.

216. Not so fast, girls.

217. Put it on ice.

218. We'll break it out soon.

219. We're not moving to the 44th floor?

220. Not today.

221. - OK, Gigi. One more. - Gigi, your ex is here.

222. Honey, you look like 48 million dollars.

223. Thank you.

224. - May I kiss the bride? - Sure.

225. - Nick. - Nick!

226. Ted! Congratulations, Ted. You're a lucky man.

227. Well, thanks. I happen to agree.

228. So you're going on a cruise. Two weeks, huh?

229. The cruise is just the last week. Alexandra has an itinerary.

230. I faxed one to your office, one to your apartment,

231. Ted's office has one, as does the school.

232. In case I fall off the planet?

233. You never know.

234. Hey, here she is. Pretty in pink.

235. Two whole weeks together, huh?

236. - How are you going to handle it? - I'm going to love it.

237. You can take care of me. Cook for me, get me my slippers.

238. Yeah, that'll be happening.

239. - Alexandra has a boyfriend now. - Mom!

240. I'm telling him so he won't be surprised when he comes by.

241. A boyfriend? You're only 13.

242. Am I? I thought I was 15.

243. We're gonna be fine.

244. I'm going to meet Cameron. Is it OK if I meet Dad back at his place?

245. - Is that all right with you? - Yeah, well...

246. - What time? - Eight? Nine, maybe?

247. - 7.30. - OK.

248. Bye, Mom.

249. Oh, honey, I'm going to miss you.

250. I'm going to miss you too. Ted, have a good time.

251. Bye, pumpkin.

252. - Nick. - Honey?

253. Later.

254. 7.30's fine. Thanks for asking. And the name's Dad.

255. - Here you go. - Thanks.

256. - I heard. I can't believe this. - My next headache.

257. Don't worry. We'll get through it.

258. Everyone...

259. Everyone, meet Darcy McGuire.

260. Hi. Oh, my goodness. Everybody showed up.

261. - Nice to see you. - What a pleasant surprise.

262. - God what a small world! - Welcome aboard.

263. I'm so glad to meet you.

264. Hello. I'm Darcy.

265. - Hi. I'm Nick Marshall. - I've heard a lot about you, Nick.

266. I've heard a lot about you too, Darcy.

267. Don't worry. Can't all be true.

268. Let's hope not.

269. Hey.

270. Standing room only. It's a first.

271. I'm very excited for you all to meet Darcy McGuire.

272. I know Darcy's reputation as a leader in the field precedes her.

273. At BBD & O, Darcy led a creative team

274. that snagged $500 million in new business wins,

275. and that was just last year.

276. Here at Sloane Curtis, we pride ourselves on our strategic thinking.

277. Now it's time for us to step up

278. and prove ourselves creatively in the marketplace.

279. I'm thrilled that Darcy has consented to move across town,

280. join our team, and lead us into the 21st century.

281. Thank you, Dan. And thank you all for that warm welcome.

282. Let me start by saying the feeling is mutual.

283. I am absolutely thrilled to be here.

284. When I first started, it was my dream to work at Sloane Curtis.

285. In fact, I even applied for a job here - twice.

286. Somebody call Personnel.

287. But it was BBD & O that offered me a home.

288. What I learned there was that any success I had

289. was a direct result of the team that I worked with.

290. I know two heads are better than one, five are better than two.

291. And I know that if we put our heads and our hearts into this company,

292. we'll deliver. I know that.

293. Now, I love challenges, I love hard work.

294. I look forward to sitting at this table, tossing ideas around

295. until, I fear, the wee hours of the morning.

296. But, most importantly, I want the work we do to say something

297. about who we are, how we think, what we feel...

298. Excuse me.

299. So, as our friends in Hollywood say, let's cut to the chase.

300. How are we going to turn this company around?

301. When Sears decided to go after women in their advertising

302. and said, "See the softer side of Sears", their revenues went up 30% .

303. 30% . That's huge.

304. Female driven advertising totalled $40 billion last year,

305. and Sloane Curtis's share of that was...?

306. Zero.

307. If you want to sell an anti-wrinkle cream or a Ford Mustang to a woman,

308. forgive me, but this is the last place you bring your business,

309. and we can't afford to not have a piece of a $40 billion pie.

310. So I have put together a little kit for everybody.

311. Nobody panic. This is supposed to be fun.

312. Every product in this box is looking for new representation right now.

313. And they're all made for women.

314. I'm pretty sure all the women here are familiar with these products,

315. so for the men, let's briefly run through them.

316. Here you go, Nick.

317. Thank you.

318. Each kit contains anti-wrinkle cream,

319. mascara, moisturising lipstick, bath beads,

320. quick-dry nail polish, an at-home waxing kit,

321. a "More wonderful" Wonderbra, a home pregnancy test,

322. hair volumiser...

323. pore cleansing strips, Advil,

324. control-top pantyhose and a Visa card.

325. Now, I want everybody to come up with something.

326. For one product, for two, the whole box. Whatever moves you.

327. We'll get together tomorrow and see where we are.

328. How's 8.30?

329. Great. See you at 8.30 tomorrow morning.

330. Nightmare.

331. Read my lips... Night-mare.

332. Miss, miss! Another 500 bucks.

333. We play our dangerous game...

334. A game of chess against our old adversary.

335. Advers-ary?

336. Well, surely you mean adver-sary, old boy?

337. - .. vinaigrette for salad... - .. women's political caucus...

338. .. Tuck the pelvis under. Keep lifting.

339. Buns of steel.

340. I'd steal her buns if I could.

341. Here it comes.

342. Yes! He's nailed the dismount.

343. Now let's check in on the women's finals.

344. Women's finals.

345. There's too much oestrogen on TV.

346. And we all know the perfect antidote to oestrogen.

347. Where's Frank?

348. Oh, I need some Frank.

349. Help me, buddy. Help me now.

350. Don't panic.

351. This is supposed to be fun.

352. OK. OK. I can do this. I'm a professional.

353. Lipstick. All right.

354. Lipstick on a guy's collar. No, women will hate that.

355. Lipstick on a guy's collar that won't rub off.

356. No. That's even worse.

357. OK, OK. I've got to think like a broad.

358. All right. I'm a broad.

359. I see lipstick.

360. And a dark-haired Tahitian beauty standing under a waterfall

361. wearing nothing but a thong,

362. water cascading down her back...

363. I'm a lesbian.

364. I gotta change the music.

365. I wonder... I wonder...

366. Ah, Alex, thank you.

367. Jackpot.

368. Ah. She's hot.

369. You go, girl.

370. Looks like big dandruff here.

371. Smooth it out. Smooth. Oh, cool.

372. Now for mascara.

373. Nice thick lashes.

374. Oh, shit! That stings! What the...?

375. OK. I need some anaesthetic here.

376. Burp! Beautiful.

377. OK. Now, for the piéce de résistance, we have...

378. We have the right leg. Yes. Excellent.

379. And the hot, hot wax. Very, very hot wax.

380. Here we go. Oh! Ow!

381. Ooh, that's hot.

382. OK. Test of manhood. Here we go...

383. OK. Passed.

384. And next.

385. "Immediately apply disposable cloth over the waxed area."

386. Feels kind of nice.

387. I don't know why women complain about waxing their legs.

388. "In one smooth motion,

389. "yank the strip in the opposite direction of the growth."

390. That'd be north.

391. One, two, three...

392. Women are insane. Who would do that more than once?

393. I don't know.

394. Why would anybody ever do the other leg?

395. Yes, that's right, girls.

396. Wax it off, then cover it up.

397. Allez oop!

398. Oh, shit!

399. I guess this takes a little finesse.

400. One down, two to go.

401. OK. OK.

402. Honey, you just lost yourself five pounds.

403. All right. Where's my Wonderbra? Oh.

404. Let's see which end is up here.

405. Hi!

406. - What are you doing? - Exfoliating.

407. - Yo... - You must be...

408. Cameron, my boyfriend. This is Nick.

409. - Her father. - That's nice nail polish.

410. Yeah. I'm just doing a new research thing at work.

411. - Getting into the female psyche. - Whatever.

412. Yeah.

413. - I should probably take off. - No. You don't have to.

414. - It's cool. - OK.

415. - Bye. - Bye.

416. I'll call you.

417. Nice meeting you, Nick.

418. Yeah.

419. - Did you just kiss that guy? - Where did you get this?

420. - It was in your zipper thing. - You went through my stuff?

421. It was an emergency. I needed music.

422. Are you allergic to listening? You never listen when I talk.

423. If I'm stuck here, then my stuff's going to be laying around, OK?

424. I don't want you to just go through everything.

425. - I listen to you. - You think you listen to me?

426. - Yeah. - You do?

427. What's my boyfriend's name?

428. It's...

429. - Goodnight. - No, wait. Come back.

430. Dustin is his name. That's his name, right?

431. No. Don't slam the...!

432. Car... Carson.

433. Carmen. Carmine!

434. Carmine. Carmichael!

435. Can't remember a man's name and so you are not listening to them.

436. What do women want?

437. I know it has three syllables.

438. Cameron.

439. His name is Cameron!

440. Oh, that is so dangerous.

441. 90% of all accidents happen...

442. What the hell has he done now?

443. I hope he's not dead.

444. No, I'm fine.

445. Oh, boy.

446. I think.

447. - Are you sure? - No... yes.

448. Cleaner pores.

449. Thicker hair.

450. Very weird headache. Very weird.

451. Now I gotta clean up bras and home pregnancy tests?

452. The man doesn't pay me enough for the things I have to do.

453. Oh, Jesus, he's wearing pantyhose. Now he's a cross dresser?

454. I was just experimenting with a few products from work. All right?

455. Did I say anything?

456. Oh, God, it's eight o'clock already.

457. One day I'd like to sleep till eight.

458. He'd fire my ass if I didn't wake him.

459. Ooh! Are we in a mood today.

460. Same as every other day.

461. Honey, make me a little bagel with cream cheese.

462. I can't think on an empty stomach.

463. For your information, I am not even hungry.

464. Who said you were?

465. - Mr. Marshall. - Good morning, Flo.

466. - Let me get you a cab, sir. - Sure.

467. Thank you, Flo.

468. You're welcome, my little sweet ass.

469. What did you say?

470. - Me? Nothing. - Are you sure?

471. Yes, sir.

472. I think I'll walk today. I could use fresh air.

473. You have a great day, sir.

474. With your fine ass looking like Shaft!

475. Ooh! I could just ride that puppy!

476. Hey! Watch where you're going!

477. - Are you OK, sir? - I'm fine. I'm fine.

478. Did I turn the coffee maker off?

479. Did I turn it off? I can't remember.

480. I saw the light on, but did I actually turn the switch off?

481. One kiss doesn't make me a lesbian.

482. Does it?

483. Sorry.

484. Two slices of toast, 150 calories, plus a pat and a half of butter...

485. So oestrogen is good for the heart but bad for the breasts? What?

486. My kid doesn't need Ritalin...

487. - If I get him to listen to me... - Monsieur, I need to poop!

488. Oh, God! Oh, boy!

489. Oh, God, he nearly killed me. Too bad he missed.

490. - Good morning. - Good mor...

491. Don't look up. He'll make me hear another disgusting joke.

492. He's such a schmuck.

493. She thinks that I'm a schmuck?

494. Whoa! Lighten up on that aftershave, buddy.

495. What? Oh, yeah, like you've got the perfect body?

496. Jesus.

497. - Hi, Mr. Marshall. - Don't say it.

498. What? The Gillette budget's on your desk,

499. and I got you that Merlot you wanted.

500. Here's your credit card back.

501. Thank you.

502. - Are you OK? - Yeah.

503. Do you realise I have an Ivy League education,

504. and that running your errands has put me into therapy?

505. Why don't you give me some real work to do?

506. Oh, yeah, I remember why. Because I have a vagina!

507. Is there anything else I can get?

508. Oh, good, you're on time.

509. - Good morning. - Good morning.

510. What's the matter? You look different.

511. I think it's his hair. It looks a little thicker.

512. Give me your coat.

513. - You smell good today. - New cologne?

514. That's it? No other thoughts?

515. - What do you mean? - Are you feeling all right?

516. Linings, loans, locks...

517. Hello, Nick?

518. Ah, Nick?

519. We gotta go. What are you doing? It's 8.30.

520. I can't go. Gotta find a doctor. I need a cure. Can't go.

521. You sound like the guy from Shine. What's wrong with you?

522. Maybe I need an exorcist. Under X. No, under E.

523. There are no exorcists in the Greater Chicago area, bud.

524. Let's pull it together and go sell some sensitive feminine shit, OK?

525. Sorry to interrupt. Here you go.

526. By the way, your hair looks really good today, Mr. Marshall.

527. And it's OK you pay me minimum wage

528. because I just called my boyfriend in Israel - for an hour.

529. Tell me you heard that?

530. Your hair looks really good. So what?

531. The what she was thinking thing.

532. I don't think she thinks too much. She's not exactly a genius, pal.

533. - She went to an Ivy League school. - I doubt that.

534. The thing she said about the boyfriend, calling him in Israel.

535. I didn't hear it because she didn't say it.

536. Let's pull it together. We're going to be late for our sorority meeting.

537. Morgan...

538. In case I like, maybe, die today...

539. Can we walk and talk? In case you live, I don't want to be late, OK?

540. Here's what happened, in case the coroner asks.

541. I got drunk last night and tried all the products from the box.

542. - You did not? - I put on all the products.

543. Nail polish, pantyhose, everything.

544. - You tried on the pantyhose? - Yes! OK?

545. I was drying my hair and I fell over and fell into the bathtub,

546. electrocuted myself and blacked out.

547. When I woke up, I could hear what every woman around me was thinking.

548. - Uh-huh... - Personal, private stuff.

549. The stuff that nobody on earth is supposed to hear.

550. You know what I'm saying? I can hear what women think.

551. Can you? Good. That's not a talent a lot of guys have these days.

552. You don't believe me? You want me to prove it?

553. - See this attorney? - Yeah.

554. She thinks you're overpaid... and gay.

555. What?

556. I can hear what they're all thinking. Even French poodles!

557. Just so we are on the same page, I need you to know you sound insane.

558. You're freaked out over losing the job,

559. but if you tell anyone that you hear the thoughts of a French poodle...

560. What if I jumped out the window?

561. Just put the fruit down and jump through the glass.

562. Would they notice? Probably not if I didn't get glass on anybody.

563. The girl with the fruit is kind of funny -suicidal, but she's funny.

564. Nick, what girl with the fruit?

565. Last one to arrive. Wants me to know I'm not his boss.

566. OK. You're a star. I get the message.

567. She thinks I'm late because I want her to know she's not my boss.

568. - What is she talking about? - Put a lid on it.

569. I can't believe I have butterflies in my stomach.

570. Feels like the first day of school.

571. OK. So let's see how we did.

572. Nobody wants to go first.

573. Everyone's avoiding me... except Nick Marshall.

574. Unbelievable. The only one with good eye contact.

575. At least he's looking in my eyes and not down my blouse.

576. So, Nick, what did you come up with?

577. Me? What did I come up with?

578. He's so wired.

579. Mostly I thought about the moisturising lipstick.

580. Never having worn lipstick myself.

581. I tried to imagine what I'd want from a lipstick if I were a woman.

582. - Spare me! - OK. He's trying to be honest.

583. You know, to be perfectly honest,

584. my first thought was a Tahitian beauty bathing under a waterfall.

585. I'm going to die here with these kinds of ideas.

586. But, you know, I'm working on it, and it's evolving...

587. I don't suppose anybody's interested in an idea

588. involving the Swedish bikini team? I do know them all personally.

589. - Oh, what an idiot. - Grow up already.

590. - What a pig. - You are so foul.

591. I should have asked for more money.

592. Dina?

593. I spent the night trying to figure out how to sell Advil just to women.

594. You know what? We should sell it to women like me.

595. I take it every time I need to fake a headache.

596. Works like a charm.

597. I got a great one. Just came to me. Mind if I interrupt, Dina?

598. No. Sure. Go ahead.

599. I hate that you've seen me naked.

600. All right. We're in a bedroom, the lights are out.

601. There's a woman in bed taking an Advil.

602. Her husband turns over and suggestively rubs her back,

603. and we say, "Advil...

604. "so mild and gentle, you can take it even when you're faking a headache."

605. And then the woman says,

606. "Not tonight, dear, I need an Advil."

607. He's back.

608. What? Come on, that doesn't reach women on a personal level?

609. - No. - Women do that, don't they?

610. - Not me. - I don't.

611. Sue Cranston? You've done that, haven't you? Faked a headache?

612. No, Nick, I haven't. Thanks for asking.

613. No, no, no. Wait, wait. Be honest now.

614. You've been married, what, ten, twelve years?

615. And you've never faked a headache? It doesn't work like a charm?

616. No, Nick, I haven't.

617. I mean, no, it doesn't, OK?

618. Jeez! What an asshole!

619. OK. I guess I'm way off base here.

620. OK. What's good about your idea

621. is that you're looking at Advil from a woman's point of view.

622. Um... I don't think Advil will go for it,

623. and I'm pretty sure every woman in America will hate it,

624. but other than that, I thought it was great.

625. You're on the right track. Go ahead.

626. Great antenna there, babe.

627. Did the poodle give you that one?

628. - Dad, why are you home so early? - I have my first migraine.

629. This is hideous. My boyfriend feeling me up in front of my father!

630. Alex, just don't think anything. "The outlook wasn't good..."

631. Oh, shit! Where's my bra?

632. Where is it?

633. Oh, God.

634. Oh, God!

635. OK, look, everybody just needs to chill here, all right?

636. There'll be no chilling. Just get your stuff and move on.

637. Come on, man, relax.

638. - How old are you? - I just turned 18.

639. Well, she's 15. She was ten five years ago. Understand? Now get out.

640. Dad!

641. We're going to the prom. Don't ruin it.

642. - You're not going to the prom. - How did you know about that?

643. I don't know. Mom told me, all right?

644. But he's too old for you and I know what boys his age want,

645. and he's not getting it from my daughter. Door.

646. Your daughter? Suddenly I'm your daughter?

647. How am I related to this asshole?

648. - Another one. - I want Mom.

649. Hey, look, I'm just going to take off.

650. - Look, I'm really sorry about... - Save it.

651. That's mine.

652. Where...? Where...?

653. Great day.

654. I'm not losing my mind. I'm not losing my mind. This will work.

655. It's gotta work.

656. Got to work.

657. Ow, shit! Perfect.

658. Come on! Do your thing!

659. Turn me into me again!

660. Oh, good. I'm not dead.

661. Oh, please. Please, please. Tell me I got rid of it.

662. Please be a woman.

663. For what city, please?

664. Could you do me a favour and think of your favourite colour?

665. For what city, please?

666. Flo?

667. Hey, Flo.

668. Flo?

669. I can't believe this.

670. I need a woman.

671. - Try this one. - I love this. This is fantastic.

672. It's my mother's birthday next week, so I need two gift sets.

673. Thanks so much. I appreciate it.

674. Do you have a Kleenex back there?

675. I'm sure she'll like it. It's one of our best sellers.

676. - Do I get a free gift with this? - Yes. You get a travel bag...

677. Thank you.

678. Stop it. You got the dress. Treat yourself to a lipstick.

679. No. I have enough at home.

680. We might as well get one while we're here.

681. I have too many lipsticks. I have piles of them.

682. I'll buy it.

683. If he doesn't answer in the next two rings, I swear to God...

684. Hi, blue eyes.

685. I really feel bad about...

686. - Dr Perkins? - Yes?

687. You may not remember me. I'm Nick Marshall.

688. I came here ten years ago with my ex-wife.

689. Oh, Christ. Not him.

690. Oh, good. You remember me.

691. I'm sorry to barge in but I don't know who to turn to. I'm desperate.

692. I'm afraid to go to work. I'm afraid of my doorwoman.

693. - I'm afraid to get a cup of coffee. - Mr. Marshall, please slow down.

694. Let me completely understand what it is you're saying.

695. All right.

696. I hear what women think.

697. Yeah.

698. You know, this kind of imaginary displacement scenario...

699. I'm not imagining...

700. I do have a friend at University Hospital who specialises

701. in men with male menopause and testosterone depletion.

702. She's fabulous. I'll just give her a ring and send you over there.

703. Why did I answer my door? I was so into buying that lamp on Ebay.

704. How much was it going for?

705. - How much was what going for? - The lamp on Ebay.

706. Oh, I see. That's good. Very clever.

707. Dr Skolnick, please.

708. You don't believe me. Well, then, try another one.

709. Go on, pick a number. Any number.

710. OK. A number between one and...?

711. - A million. Why not? - One and a million?

712. All right.

713. 644,998... 99... 90.

714. Wanna make a decision here?

715. Oy vay!

716. You can say that again.

717. - I didn't say anything! - It doesn't mean I didn't hear it.

718. OK. OK.

719. Let's say... Let's say I do believe you.

720. That you er... that you can hear what women think.

721. Even though I'm a grown woman of...

722. 51.

723. ..47.

724. My lips are sealed.

725. Holy crap!

726. - Oh, forgive me. - It's all right.

727. But this is phenomenal! That you can hear inside my head.

728. Yes.

729. Why get rid of such a gift?

730. Well, for starters,

731. almost every woman I know thinks I'm an asshole.

732. That's what I thought first.

733. Could you please give me a break?

734. Mr. Marshall, you might find this a little unorthodox,

735. - but would you mind if I smoked? - No. I understand.

736. Thank you so much.

737. Let's try to look at the upside of this.

738. You know, Freud died at age 83 still asking one question.

739. What do women want?

740. Wouldn't it be strange and wonderful if you were the one man on earth

741. finally able to answer that question?

742. Something extraordinary and miraculous has happened to you.

743. My advice is you must learn from this.

744. There isn't a single woman that I treat

745. that doesn't wish her man understood her better.

746. If men are from Mars and women are from Venus, you speak Venusian.

747. The world can be yours.

748. I don't know how this happened to you or why,

749. but you may just be the luckiest man on earth.

750. Imagine the possibilities.

751. If you know what women want...

752. you can rule.

753. Hubba-hubba, here he comes. Looking awfully good today.

754. And I haven't had sex in four months... OK, six.

755. Oh, why did I tell him to stop asking me out? I'm an idiot. Idiot!

756. Hey, Nick, how's it going?

757. Lola, my love...

758. I can't take no for an answer.

759. - About what? - About what?

760. About us.

761. Just don't hurt me, Nick. I've been hurt too many times.

762. I know how hard it is to go out with someone new.

763. I mean, there's always that fear of...

764. well... getting hurt.

765. - At least, that's how I feel. - You do? Really?

766. All the time.

767. - Me too all the time. - So...

768. let's take it slow and see how it goes.

769. Slow is good.

770. - Slow is really good. - Yeah.

771. You free tonight?

772. So you don't think I'm gay? You're saying you never said that.

773. - Right. I never said that. - But you thought it.

774. Was it the hair? The highlights are natural.

775. - I have a meeting. - And you never said I was overpaid?

776. I really don't think I ever said that.

777. OK.

778. Who has he been talking to?

779. - Good morning. - Good morning.

780. Well, check your e-mail...

781. Hi. How's the boyfriend in Israel?

782. Thanks for picking up that wine. That is above and beyond. Thank you.

783. Can I get you a cup of coffee?

784. - Or some water? Any beverage? - No, but thank you.

785. If I'm thirsty, I know where the coffee-room is.

786. That's right, guys. Don't help. Just walk right past me.

787. Why don't you step on my hands...?

788. - Here you go. - Oh.

789. How are you doing?

790. Oh, fine. Thank you, Mr. Marshall.

791. You're welcome... er?

792. - Erin. - Erin.

793. You be careful, all right, Erin?

794. Yeah. Sure.

795. Heavy.

796. What do you know? There is life on this planet.

797. Breakfast on Tuesday sounds great. Absolutely.

798. Thanks for the info, and thanks for the champagne.

799. You too. OK. Bye-bye.

800. Set meeting. Nike. Women's division.

801. - Hi. - Hi. Well...

802. Looks like you've been here a year.

803. Yeah. I'm compulsive. It's a problem.

804. Why do I always feel he's checking me out?

805. I wonder what he's got up his sleeve.

806. Great photographs.

807. No clue they're Margaret Bourke White.

808. They're not all Margaret Bourke White, are they?

809. Yeah, they are.

810. Wow. It's a beautiful collection.

811. Thanks. So how's it going?

812. I was going to ask you the same thing.

813. It's starting slow.

814. I'm evaluating some of the staff and that's always hard.

815. Yeah. Right.

816. I don't want to beat around the bush, so what I'd like to propose...

817. He's proposing so soon?

818. - Oh! - Oh, sorry. Ah, yes.

819. - Excuse me. You got another one. - Thanks.

820. Wow!

821. As I was saying, I know nothing whatsoever

822. about the products that you're going for personally,

823. but I do believe I can sell anything

824. once I know the buyer's needs.

825. What I'd really like, with your kind indulgence, of course,

826. is to go after that really big fish.

827. I mean, the one your really want to land. I will reel them in for us.

828. No, actually, I will reel them in for us.

829. Unless you're going after something yourself.

830. No, no. It's just there are several big fish out there.

831. Yeah? What's your biggest fish?

832. I mean, who's your whale?

833. Um... Nike? Women's division?

834. You heard they were shopping?

835. I got wind of it.

836. That's amazing. I heard no one knew.

837. - You knew. - I heard no one else knew.

838. It's OK if I know what you know. I mean, we're on the same team now.

839. Besides, I heard someone say two heads were better than one.

840. - Oh, you were listening? - More than you know.

841. OK. Here is what I heard.

842. Nike is shopping - quietly.

843. But if they make a change, it's going to happen fast.

844. You know this is a tough one for us to get.

845. It would be tough for anybody, but if we got it...

846. - that's all we'd need. - I hear you.

847. So what do they want exactly?

848. They want to empower women.

849. - What? - Well... I'm sorry, I...

850. - That won't work. - I'm sorry. I understand. Go on.

851. They want to get inside women's heads

852. and reach them on a very real level.

853. Don't take this the wrong way,

854. but you got jumpy talking about a lipstick.

855. Nike is state-of-the-art, hardcore woman power.

856. Are you sure you want this one?

857. You get them here in two weeks, I'll be ready.

858. This guy is kind of exciting.

859. Hey! Glad I caught you both.

860. - You got a minute? - Sure.

861. I want you to look at these boards for US Air before they come by.

862. - Right. - It seems like something's missing.

863. Hmm. I don't like the graphics.

864. Feels a bit parochial.

865. Maybe it should be in black and white.

866. What do you think, Nick?

867. I don't know who you've had working on these, Dan, but...

868. it seems kind of - what's the word? -

869. parochial to me. What do you think, Darcy?

870. I totally agree. Especially about the graphics.

871. They're parochial. It's so funny you just said that.

872. Why don't you get them to try it in black and white. Might punch it up.

873. What? Did you say something?

874. No. I just swear I was thinking the exact same thing.

875. Were you?

876. Black and white could really help. Good idea, Nick.

877. Good idea, Nick! Quick, say something before he leaves.

878. - Dan? - Yeah?

879. If you want me to have another look at the boards, give me a buzz.

880. - I will. Thanks, buddy. - Dan?

881. In case they find Nick's idea too retro, which they might.

882. They may hear elegant and think it's old fashioned.

883. I'd be ready with maybe a dot com kind of thing.

884. Maybe there's something about getting online

885. and being online at the airport...

886. I think we're fine. We're good. I like Nick's fix on this.

887. Great.

888. Do you want to come by later? I got a box of Cubans.

889. - Great. - Cool.

890. You smoke cigars?

891. No.

892. Your office is looking really snazzy. I love the red.

893. - Thanks. - Me, too.

894. Mr. Marshall, your daughter on line one.

895. - I'm sorry, would you mind if...? - Here you go.

896. He has a daughter? I didn't picture that. How old?

897. She's 15. She's staying with me while her mom's away.

898. He's married?

899. Away on her honeymoon. Alex, hi.

900. Uh-huh. Sure, honey. No, that's great.

901. Honey? Who are you trying to impress?

902. I'm going out with my friends after school.

903. Can I bring them back to your place?

904. No problem. Whatever you want. What time are you going to be home?

905. Wait for me. I gotta go.

906. Eight's fine. I love you too. Bye, sweetie.

907. Total shocker. He's like a nice guy.

908. - Sorry. Duty calls. - No. Of course.

909. - She's 15? - Yeah.

910. She's got a boyfriend who's 18.

911. - And you hate that, right? - Oh, hate it.

912. But she digs him and he's invited her to the prom. That's a big deal.

913. Going to the prom is mostly about the dress. You know that?

914. - Is it? - Oh, yeah.

915. Once you got the dress handled, it's all downhill.

916. This feels like a date. Why did I go into all that? He needs to go.

917. Well, I'm outta here.

918. Do some research downtown. Get inside women's heads.

919. If you need any help...

920. - Oh, I'll be picking your brain. - You got it.

921. I'll take it.

922. Oh, candy. She won't last a month.

923. You can't wear that if you have hips.

924. - That one's cute. - I can't wear low cut.

925. - Alex? - It's open.

926. What? Say something.

927. Ah... Hi. I'm Alex's dad, Nick.

928. - Hi. - Hi.

929. - Deadbeat. - Mr. No-food-in-the-house.

930. - Forgot her birthday. - Why is he just standing there?

931. Oh, I just wanted to let you know that I was home.

932. I've got a date tonight, so I'm going out, but I'll be home early.

933. Why don't you order a pizza? There's no food in the joint.

934. I also wanted to know if you and I could go on a date soon.

935. I'd like to take you shopping for a prom dress.

936. Oh, that is so sweet.

937. I wish my dad would do something like that. Oh, I love him.

938. First you throw Cameron out, now you want me to go to the prom with him?

939. Well, I overreacted and I just want to make up for it

940. by taking you shopping.

941. I mean, it's a pretty important thing, you know.

942. It's all downhill after the dress.

943. He must be stoned. Fine.

944. I'll get the most expensive dress, shoes, make-up. He can afford it.

945. What the hell, let's go crazy while we're at it.

946. We'll get you new make-up, shoes, the works. What do you say?

947. Fine. Whatever.

948. That would mean yes, yes?

949. Yes.

950. Great. Well, nice to have met you two. Hope to see you again soon.

951. - Definitely. - Bye, Mr. Marshall.

952. - Love the apartment. - Great view.

953. Thank you. OK.

954. I gotta tell you, I'm not usually like this on a first date.

955. It's just that you've been so amazing.

956. You've been so sensitive, so understanding and...

957. - Do you want to come up? - Oh, yeah.

958. Am I ready for him to come up?

959. If I sleep with him, he'll think I'm a slut and never call me,

960. or call me because he'll think he can get it whenever he wants.

961. Oh, what's the difference? He's so incredible.

962. He reminds me of my sister.

963. So, what do you think?

964. Lola, I will only come up if you really want me to.

965. I don't want you to do anything you're not ready for.

966. I can wait.

967. Wow, he's got a great body...

968. but whoa!

969. What's with the tongue? I'm going to need the Heimlich manoeuvre.

970. Thank you.

971. Ouch! That's right, they're attached.

972. Now we're talking.

973. OK. Lied about the grande...

974. Aah! Would you mind if we had the lights on, maybe?

975. You don't want the light on?

976. - Yeah, it might help. - OK. If it'll help.

977. God, I hope he's better with the light on.

978. He's so all over the place. Just do it so I can start faking it.

979. Is Britney Spears on Leno tonight?

980. Are you OK?

981. Yeah. I'm fine. Fine.

982. What? What happened?

983. All right. Let's pull this together, buddy.

984. I mean, this is what we do.

985. - You OK? - Yeah.

986. Just regrouping.

987. I can do this better.

988. Want to bet?

989. Yeah.

990. Amazing!

991. It was like you were more inside me than anybody...

992. ever.

993. Well, thanks, doll. I tried.

994. No. No. I mean more inside my head.

995. Like you knew what I wanted and how I wanted it.

996. We connected in a way that was beyond...

997. beyond...

998. Oh, my heart!

999. My heart is beating so hard!

1000. Who would have thought it?

1001. Slow starter then turns out to be a genius in bed.

1002. Ladies and gentlemen, Nick Marshall is a sex god!

1003. Oh, yeah.

1004. Living life.

1005. Life. Keep on living it.

1006. Ooh, that's good.

1007. I'm 34 and I wanted kids!

1008. Ha! I love it.

1009. OK. One more. Time for one more.

1010. You know why guys like doing it in front of the mirror?

1011. Why?

1012. Because objects may appear larger than they actually are.

1013. That is a good one.

1014. I heard that in the beauty shop this morning.

1015. But seriously, Dee, that other thing we were talking about before?

1016. I mean, he can't just ignore you all night,

1017. stay glued to the TV like some zombie

1018. and expect you to turn on like a lightbulb.

1019. I wouldn't put up with that.

1020. I mean, you're either interesting or you're not.

1021. Ask him to decide.

1022. Can I write that down?

1023. I'm either interesting or I'm not. He'll shit a brick.

1024. What if he says I'm not?

1025. He won't say that you're not.

1026. Trust me.

1027. OK. I did it.

1028. I told Haim I wasn't moving to Israel.

1029. Yeah. Good. And?

1030. I said what you said. He can be a writer anywhere,

1031. but if I'm going to be in advertising, I need to be here.

1032. - And then he said? - I don't know. It was in Hebrew.

1033. But I don't think it was, "You got it. See you next Tuesday".

1034. I'd wait it out. He'll call you.

1035. I can't. I'd better call him back.

1036. Be strong. He will call you.

1037. Well, girls, it's been nice chatting. I gotta get back to work.

1038. - Wait! - Don't you want some coffee?

1039. Oh, no, I'm cool.

1040. Really.

1041. But thank you anyway.

1042. This was fun.

1043. This is good. More insightful than I would have thought.

1044. This line doesn't feel exactly right.

1045. If you're thinking that line isn't perfect, I agree. It needs work.

1046. There's something not exactly right about it.

1047. I mean, it's not bad. It's insightful, actually, it's just...

1048. What do you think this woman's thinking?

1049. Ah, well...

1050. Let's see.

1051. She's thinking about what she wants out of life.

1052. What's she going to accomplish? How's she going to do all that?

1053. Women think about that a lot.

1054. Surprisingly a lot. They worry all the time, about everything.

1055. You're so right. How do you know that?

1056. Well, even I had a mother.

1057. Well, so maybe running gives her time off from all of that.

1058. It gives her something she can't get any place else. Look at her.

1059. God, I want to be her. She looks so free, doesn't she?

1060. No one's judging her. No boss to worry about.

1061. No guys to worry about. No games to figure...

1062. I like that. No games. That's good.

1063. That'd be nice in life, wouldn't it?

1064. OK. Can I just think for one second?

1065. - Take your time. - OK.

1066. OK.

1067. No games.

1068. How do I get that in? She's running. It's early.

1069. It's quiet. Just the sound of her feet on the asphalt.

1070. She likes to run alone. No pressure. No stress.

1071. This is the one place she can be herself.

1072. Look any way she wants. Think any way she wants

1073. No game playing. No rules.

1074. Games, sports, rules. Games, sports, rules.

1075. Playing by the rules, playing games versus playing...

1076. - Why are you nodding? - I think you're on to something.

1077. - Am I? - Aren't you?

1078. Well, I was thinking about a play on words.

1079. Something about games versus...

1080. I feel like I was on to something good.

1081. - Playing games versus playing... - Sports?

1082. Yes! Thank you. Do you like any of this?

1083. A lot. I like the idea that you can be yourself on the road.

1084. I do too. Did I say that out loud?

1085. No, I was just...

1086. I was circling around the exact same thing, which is great -

1087. that we're both on the same...

1088. Sorry. I'm not thinking straight. My glands may be swollen.

1089. You're doing great! "Nike. No games..."

1090. "Just sports."

1091. All right. We should write that down.

1092. All right.

1093. Did he come up with that or did I?

1094. Can I be...?

1095. What?

1096. Ah... Well, can I be honest with you?

1097. Please do.

1098. Before I came here, I heard you were a tough chauvinistic prick.

1099. I didn't know you meant that honest.

1100. - Sorry. - No, it's fine.

1101. - I'm sorry. - No, that's OK.

1102. You must have looked forward to meeting me.

1103. I was dreading it. I had this whole other person in my mind.

1104. Well, since we're sharing, I heard a few things about you too.

1105. Oh, yes. I'm the "Man-eating bitch Darth Vader of the ad world"?

1106. - Verbatim. - Really?

1107. All right. Well, nice to meet you.

1108. But that's not who I am at all.

1109. Just for the record.

1110. I don't think that's who you are.

1111. Thank you. I appreciate that.

1112. You see, no games equals embarrassing moment.

1113. Don't fall for a guy at work. Don't fall for a guy at work.

1114. Don't fall for a guy at work.

1115. - Why? - Why what?

1116. Why... why don't I just work on these storyboards

1117. and bring them round to you tomorrow if you're free?

1118. I'm free. Just call me any time.

1119. I'm flirting! What's wrong with me?

1120. Oh, God! I just looked at his penis!

1121. Oh, I hope he didn't see me.

1122. Oh, shit! I just looked at it again! Stop it!

1123. - Are you all right? - Fine. I got something in my eye.

1124. All right. Um, so, great.

1125. So tomorrow will be... That'll be great. I'll see you then.

1126. - Good work, by the way. - You too.

1127. - You sure you're all right? - Yeah. I'm fine.

1128. Are you laughing at me?

1129. Yeah.

1130. Good. I didn't think anyone else was still here.

1131. I didn't know anyone was here.

1132. - What time is it? - It's after ten.

1133. - I didn't realise it was so late. - I feel so alone.

1134. I... I didn't catch that. Sorry.

1135. I didn't realise how late it was.

1136. I'm glad you're here. I'm stuck. I feel so alone.

1137. Want me to give you a hand with this?

1138. No, thanks. I'm OK.

1139. Yeah? I'm not buying it. What's going on?

1140. Well, I have an early meeting tomorrow with Dan.

1141. I wanted to make it later so I could be more prepared,

1142. but you slipped in and took the only time he had left,

1143. which left me with 8.15 tomorrow morning.

1144. I'm not as ready as I wish I was.

1145. - Sorry. - You didn't do it on purpose.

1146. I just don't want him to be disappointed.

1147. Why don't we go through these together?

1148. - Really? - I insist.

1149. Unless you're too tired.

1150. - No. I'm not tired. - I can see that.

1151. It's just so far beyond tired at this point.

1152. I basically stopped sleeping ever since I took this job.

1153. - You have? - Yeah.

1154. It's weird... How do I say this?

1155. You don't feel quite like yourself here?

1156. No, I don't.

1157. Not yet, anyway.

1158. Boy.

1159. Plus I'm mad that I'm getting sick. I never ever get sick.

1160. In fact, you don't have to sit so close to me.

1161. I'll brave it.

1162. So where do we kick off? Control-top pantyhose?

1163. - OK. - Personally, I think they work.

1164. You've worn control-top pantyhose?

1165. Did you put a pair in the pink box?

1166. - Seriously? - Oh, yeah.

1167. - You are full of surprises. - Yeah.

1168. No. I mean that as a compliment. I love that.

1169. - And how did you look in them? - Ooh, hot.

1170. My daughter and her boyfriend walked in and I had them on.

1171. And they said what when they saw you in your pantyhose?

1172. I think it was the Wonderbra they noticed first,

1173. and the nail polish - fingers and toes...

1174. The dress you picked is totally hideous.

1175. - I'm not coming out. - It can't be that bad.

1176. I look like a nun. An ugly nun.

1177. Because it's grey? Grey is the new black.

1178. If he says he likes it, I'll die.

1179. OK. Next.

1180. This, I love.

1181. Thank you. Next.

1182. - I think this is the one. - I like that... No, I love that.

1183. OK. This is it. Let me take a look.

1184. Yes. I look older. This is great. Oh, God...

1185. I need boobs.

1186. I'll buy a padded bra when he's not around.

1187. This is what I'll be wearing the last night I'm a virgin.

1188. Or should I say what I'll be taking off?

1189. Alex, I want to talk to you about something that's pretty important.

1190. I've never talked to you about this before but...

1191. Oh, God. He's going to try to be a dad. This should be hilarious.

1192. I realise I haven't been the perfect dad.

1193. Understatement of the century.

1194. - Can you pass the bread? - Yeah, sure.

1195. That doesn't mean I don't have the right to talk to you about...

1196. - About? - All right.

1197. You're a young woman now,

1198. and you may be flirting with the idea of... of...

1199. Having sex? Can I get a lemonade, please?

1200. Well, boys and girls think very differently about sex.

1201. My hunch is that girls want guys to like them and hang out with them.

1202. Whereas guys... And not all guys, right, but most guys...

1203. they pretty much just want to have sex.

1204. OK. What I'm trying to say here is,

1205. I don't want you to feel pressured because your boyfriend's older.

1206. Please. Save it.

1207. Mom had this talk with me when I was like eleven.

1208. I know you're supposed to have sex when it's special.

1209. I know everything. And Mom knows me for real,

1210. and knows my friends and knows Cameron,

1211. so let's leave the parental talks up to her.

1212. Plus I promised Cameron I'd do it prom night.

1213. And let's not make me part of this Nick makeover,

1214. or whatever this new thing is, OK?

1215. - What new thing? - What new thing?

1216. This ridiculous new guy you're trying to be.

1217. Clowning around with me.

1218. Asking if we can make a salad together, watch Friends together.

1219. I mean, it's nuts after 15 years of no relating.

1220. I mean, come on. Who are you to talk about relationships anyway?

1221. You never had a real relationship with anyone in your entire life.

1222. Look, I'm supposed to meet my friends,

1223. - so I'm going to go, OK? - Sure.

1224. Thanks for the dress.

1225. She didn't even finish her lunch. Giving her advice?

1226. - Teenagers. - I think the talk worked.

1227. - She's totally right. - Move on, dude, it's over.

1228. Ah, please.

1229. Now you've seen how the cake is assembled,

1230. the next time you admire a wedding cake

1231. you can appreciate its architecture...

1232. That's so gorgeous.

1233. Fit, vibrant, hair...

1234. I always hated being overweight.

1235. I wanted to be thin, pretty, wear cute clothes.

1236. It built and built and my health deteriorated.

1237. I couldn't walk or stand.

1238. Couldn't even stand up at the park for 10 minutes while my kids played.

1239. I tried sitting on the swings, but the chains cut into my hips.

1240. And I couldn't run, and I couldn't move.

1241. I was tired and I wanted to be a good mom...

1242. I couldn't go on living that way.

1243. What the hell's wrong with me?

1244. Hello?

1245. What am I doing?

1246. Darcy?

1247. How did you know it was me? I didn't say anything.

1248. I just sensed it.

1249. Shit! Idiot! I didn't think he'd be there.

1250. - Excuse me? - I didn't mean to really call you.

1251. I had your number here and I was thinking of you.

1252. Thinking of calling you.

1253. Obviously I did call you.

1254. Oh, no, that's all right. I... er...

1255. I was thinking about you too.

1256. Here's to another great idea.

1257. You mean, let's meet for a drink?

1258. Yes. That's exactly what I wanted to say.

1259. Sometimes I think you're a bit of a mind reader.

1260. But I don't have to be a mind reader with you.

1261. - You always say what you think. - I know. It's a curse.

1262. Are you kidding? It's a relief. An enormous relief.

1263. Do you know how rare that is? To say what you think.

1264. Do you know how rare it is for someone to like that about me?

1265. Trust me, this has not been a great thing in my life.

1266. My ex-husband didn't love me, let's put it that way.

1267. He didn't love you?

1268. Did I just say that?

1269. Oh, God!

1270. I meant to say "it". He didn't love it.

1271. That I spoke my mind.

1272. If you want the truth, I'm not sure he ever did really love me.

1273. - Oh. - There's a conversation starter!

1274. God, a smart person would just get so very drunk now.

1275. How long were you married?

1276. A little less than a year. I've been divorced about nine months.

1277. We worked together. You know that?

1278. Yeah. I heard that.

1279. What was that like?

1280. It was great in the beginning.

1281. Then it changed, became competitive.

1282. Suddenly, the better I did, the worse we did.

1283. The price I pay for being me. I know that now. No...

1284. Truly. No, no. It's true.

1285. Do you want to know all this?

1286. Keep going.

1287. That's why I needed to get out there on my own - scary as it was.

1288. I mean, not scary, but um...

1289. Well, yeah, I was kind of scared.

1290. Why?

1291. I don't know.

1292. Guess I wasn't sure I could do the job.

1293. I mean, I thought I could do it,

1294. but I'm finding Sloane Curtis a tougher place to navigate

1295. than I thought. I'm sorry.

1296. This is insensitive of me. I know you were up for my job.

1297. I'm sorry I'm the one that got it.

1298. I'm not. I'm not.

1299. I've learned a lot from you.

1300. Like what?

1301. Well, for starters, you really love what you do.

1302. - You really love what you do. - Not as much as you.

1303. Don't say that. You're so great at it. So great at it.

1304. I think Dan's even wondering why he hired me.

1305. Really. I think the bloom is definitely off the rose.

1306. Want to hear something great?

1307. Yeah.

1308. I just closed escrow on my first apartment ever.

1309. Finally, I own my own place.

1310. What? Now I wish I was a mind reader.

1311. I was just thinking... how men like me can get so screwed up.

1312. I don't think there are men like you.

1313. If we kissed, would it ruin everything?

1314. Listen to me.

1315. I think...

1316. you're one of the great women. I really do...

1317. I'm sorry.

1318. I just meant to say thank you.

1319. I'm so sorry.

1320. Well, I guess I'll see you...

1321. in three and a half hours!

1322. Nick, may I just say that you are an exceptionally great kisser.

1323. No. I mean really, really great.

1324. I haven't had this much fun making out since...

1325. I've never had this much fun making out.

1326. Me either.

1327. Don't let this get weird at work.

1328. We've nothing to be embarrassed about.

1329. We made out.

1330. You and I made out.

1331. And if I may, it was...

1332. Sexy as hell.

1333. God, that's just what I was about to say.

1334. Oh, I think I said it first. I think.

1335. No, you did.

1336. Well, all right.

1337. Oh, I'm a grown woman. Just say it.

1338. Do you want to come back to my place? Say it.

1339. Do you want to come...?

1340. Goodnight, Darcy.

1341. Goodnight.

1342. What am I doing?

1343. Lola.

1344. Here he comes. OK.

1345. Lola?

1346. I know I haven't heard from you.

1347. How long have you been out here?

1348. Just a few hours.

1349. Nick, you said that you wouldn't hurt me.

1350. And then you slept with me, and then you didn't call me for six days.

1351. In the world of "Me", that's torture.

1352. I mean, we have this totally unbelievable life-altering sex

1353. and then you just disappear!

1354. You stopped drinking coffee!

1355. Lola, I'm so sorry.

1356. It's OK.

1357. It's OK because I figured out your little secret.

1358. - You did? - It's so obvious.

1359. How else would you know the things you know?

1360. It wasn't obvious to anybody else.

1361. Nick, come on.

1362. You're so sensitive.

1363. You're so aware of my feelings. You're so tuned in.

1364. You talk to me like a woman, you think like a woman.

1365. Nick, admit it. You're totally and completely gay.

1366. I am?

1367. You're not? If you're not, you've got to tell me.

1368. Tell me, because based on the other night...

1369. Just put me out of my misery. Are you or aren't you?

1370. Say you're gay, then I'm not nuts,

1371. not undesirable, not rejected by another guy.

1372. - Just say it! Admit it! - OK.

1373. I'm gay.

1374. How gay?

1375. Oh... I'm as gay as it gets.

1376. You'll make some guy very happy some day.

1377. Oh, from your lips.

1378. God, I hate that I'm crying.

1379. Well, look...

1380. if things should ever change in that department...

1381. - You'll be the first to know. - You promise?

1382. Oh, yeah. I promise. Come here.

1383. Oh, boy.

1384. It was very nice to meet you, Nick.

1385. - And you. - Thanks for pip talk, yes?

1386. You two just take care of each other.

1387. - Thanks for the yarmulka. - No problem. You wear it well, yes?

1388. Happy trails, kids.

1389. Darcy!

1390. I need to talk to you.

1391. Oh, look at him. I knew it. He is weird about it.

1392. This is not about last night. It's about the Nike meeting.

1393. I honestly believe in my gut that you should make the pitch to them.

1394. God. I guilted you into this last night, didn't I?

1395. No. It would just be better if you did it.

1396. No, no. This is your baby.

1397. I've got to go meet these folks. See you in there.

1398. It's not my baby.

1399. Yes, it is.

1400. I predict no one will know I'm gone until the files start to build.

1401. It could be days.

1402. Then someone will finally ask,

1403. "where's the geek in the glasses who carries all the files?"

1404. Do either of you know the story on this Erin girl?

1405. Miss Lonely Hearts? Who knows?

1406. I know. She's been here two years.

1407. She tried to be a copywriter but got turned down,

1408. so she's a messenger.

1409. - What fool turned her down? - You did, sire.

1410. Well, did I ever meet with her at least?

1411. I don't think so. As I recall, you told me to "Blow her off".

1412. Well, I want to meet with her now. The kid's got something kinda funny.

1413. This is your lucky day, pal.

1414. I saw the Nike group. All women. Your specialty. I'll walk you up.

1415. I hate what I'm doing to Darcy.

1416. I'm going to write her a long letter.

1417. You're doing Darcy? Since when?

1418. No. I hate what I'm doing to Darcy. Men are stupider. It's true.

1419. - Would you stop it? - They are.

1420. "They"? Are you officially a woman now?

1421. I wish. A woman wouldn't have screwed over the woman she loved.

1422. And you know this whole thing about penis envy?

1423. - Yeah. - Not true.

1424. They don't envy. Half of them don't even like it!

1425. You know who has penis envy? We do.

1426. That's why we cheat and screw up.

1427. We're obsessed with our own equipment.

1428. - Are you ready? - Yup. Thanks.

1429. You don't stand in front of a mirror before a run

1430. and wonder what the road will think of your outfit.

1431. You don't have to listen to its jokes and pretend they're funny

1432. in order to run on it.

1433. It would not be easier to run if you dressed sexier.

1434. The road doesn't notice if you're not wearing lipstick.

1435. Does not care how old you are.

1436. You do not feel uncomfortable

1437. because you make more money than the road.

1438. And you can call on the road whenever you feel like it.

1439. Whether it's been a day, or a couple of hours since your last date.

1440. The only thing the road cares about is that you visit once in a while.

1441. Nike.

1442. No games. Just sports.

1443. - He nailed it. - They hit a home run.

1444. Where do we sign?

1445. Why are you not the happiest guy in Chicago right now? You did great.

1446. No, I didn't do so great. We did so...

1447. No, actually... You did so great.

1448. You. Me. We did great.

1449. Will you come with me someplace? I want to show you something.

1450. - I have something I need to finish. - Please?

1451. Please.

1452. OK. Here you go.

1453. - Come with me. - All right.

1454. - Should I close my eyes? - No.

1455. So, you see those top two floors right there?

1456. I do.

1457. All mine.

1458. - Wow. - I know. Come here.

1459. So this is my...

1460. ..living room.

1461. It's beautiful.

1462. What are you thinking?

1463. You've got that look you have sometimes.

1464. Yeah?

1465. I was just wondering when you get to move in.

1466. Well, they said two weeks, so...

1467. OK. This is the dining room.

1468. The fireplace works. Come here.

1469. I can see elegant parties in here.

1470. Waiters with caviar, you in a beautiful gown.

1471. You can see all that?

1472. Maybe you're naked and I'm the only guest, but it would be elegant.

1473. OK. So this is upstairs.

1474. There's a second bedroom for a future office or whatever.

1475. And this is my boudoir.

1476. Your boudoir comes with pretty decent music.

1477. It does. Where's that coming from?

1478. Let's turn up the volume.

1479. So where's your bed going?

1480. Right here.

1481. So if you had a bed,

1482. we'd be dancing on it.

1483. I like it here.

1484. I like it here too.

1485. No.

1486. I mean I like it here.

1487. We're as excited as you.

1488. - Dan? - Yeah.

1489. - I've got to talk to you. - Bye.

1490. That was Nike. They're going to announce we've won the account.

1491. I gotta hand it to you. You saved my ass! You save the company's ass!

1492. I had very little to do with saving anybody's ass.

1493. It's Darcy you should be thanking.

1494. Darcy? I was there yesterday. She didn't open her mouth.

1495. I'm big enough to admit when I screw up.

1496. I looked at the marketplace and I panicked.

1497. Nick, forgive me. I want you to step in here.

1498. No, Dan. You did the right thing when you hired her.

1499. She is the best creative director I have ever seen. Bar none.

1500. This isn't...? I know she's adorable.

1501. - Yeah. - This isn't about that, is it?

1502. No. Not like that. No.

1503. Please, look... I've been doing a lot of listening lately,

1504. and I've decided I need to take a leave of absence. I need to get away

1505. - and get some perspective. - Are you nuts?

1506. What is this? What do you mean?

1507. This is the biggest account this company has ever landed.

1508. - You want nobody running the shop? - Darcy's here!

1509. For somebody who listens a lot, you don't hear so well.

1510. I had a meeting with her today. We had a talk.

1511. Oh, Dan! You didn't. Tell me you didn't fire her.

1512. She didn't even put up a fight.

1513. - Oh! - She's gone, pal.

1514. No, no. It's not too late.

1515. Call her. Tell her you need her back. Hire her back.

1516. - Calm down. I can't do that. - Why?

1517. I talked to the board and told them I don't need her any more.

1518. They offered her a settlement and she took it. Besides, Nike want you.

1519. You're what they bought!

1520. I've got to deliver! I can... Would you come out for one second?

1521. My job is to deliver you.

1522. Dan, Nike bought an idea. It wasn't even mine!

1523. Every idea that they loved yesterday came from her.

1524. If you don't get Darcy McGuire back in here pronto,

1525. the board is going to be paying your settlement.

1526. This is about saving your ass, right? Save it.

1527. Annie, get hold of Darcy's address and number as quick as possible.

1528. Yeah. Sure.

1529. Where's the girl who does the files?

1530. Erin? I don't think she's in today.

1531. Did she call in sick?

1532. I don't think so.

1533. Where does she live?

1534. - Anyone know where Erin lives? - Who's Erin?

1535. And now someone will finally ask,

1536. "where's the geek who carries the files?"

1537. Hey. Did you get hold of Darcy?

1538. No? Well, keep trying.

1539. When you do get hold of her, tell her to stay put.

1540. I'm coming right over. I just have to make a stop on the way.

1541. Do you know where this is?

1542. Down the alley?

1543. Just down the alley?

1544. Thanks.

1545. Come on, Erin, be there. Please.

1546. Erin?

1547. Hello?

1548. Oh, no.

1549. "Dear Mom..."

1550. Mr. Marshall! Mr. Marshall?

1551. Yes, it's me.

1552. I'm sorry. I did not mean to scare you.

1553. OK. I just wanted to come and see how you are.

1554. How are you?

1555. If you're here because I didn't show up for work today, I'm sorry.

1556. - I was just about to call. - No, no.

1557. I'm not here because you didn't show up for work.

1558. I'm here about... I bet you're wondering why I am here, huh?

1559. As a matter of fact, I was just thinking that.

1560. I was thinking, why is Mr. Marshall here in my bedroom?

1561. You were?

1562. Thinking that just now?

1563. Yeah. In my head.

1564. I must have water in my ears or something.

1565. But you're not thinking anything now, are you?

1566. I'm thinking a million things.

1567. Really?

1568. Because, you know, usually I can...

1569. You are thinking something right this minute?

1570. Mr. Marshall, I am thinking that you are crazier than I am.

1571. It's gone.

1572. I'm back.

1573. - Mr. Marshall? - Yeah?

1574. I'm sorry. Is there something I can maybe do for you?

1575. No.

1576. No. Erin...

1577. Actually, I came here to see if I could do something for you.

1578. For me?

1579. Yeah.

1580. See, the truth is...

1581. The truth is...

1582. Erin, the truth is...

1583. I'm glad I got here before you did anything to hurt yourself.

1584. What makes you think that I would do something to hurt myself?

1585. I just sensed it.

1586. Really?

1587. You could sense that?

1588. That's not... That's not good.

1589. The real reason I'm here is because...

1590. Here's the thing, Erin.

1591. I'm here because, as you know, we have the Nike account,

1592. and we have a job opening in our team.

1593. And Darcy McGuire and I were discussing, you know,

1594. who could be great enough to fill that void,

1595. and your name popped into my head,

1596. and I remembered that you applied for a job as a copywriter.

1597. I thought I'd see if you were still interested.

1598. Didn't you try to meet with me a while back?

1599. Yeah. I tried, but you were unavailable and then out of town...

1600. Well, now I'm available and, as you can plainly see, I'm in town.

1601. So I'm here to take that meeting if you're available.

1602. I'm available.

1603. I'm unbelievably available.

1604. Come on, Darcy.

1605. Hi. This is Darcy McGuire.

1606. I'm not home right now, so please leave a message.

1607. I'll get back to you as soon as I can.

1608. Darcy? Hi, Darcy. It's Nick.

1609. I'm standing right outside your place here.

1610. I sure wish I could find you. Are you all right? Hope so.

1611. Anyway, call me when you get this.

1612. On my cell - 5551226.

1613. I really need to talk to you.

1614. Just making sure you're not there.

1615. You're not, right?

1616. No. I didn't think so.

1617. All right. So call me, please. Please.

1618. Bye.

1619. - Darcy? - No, it's me.

1620. Gigi. Is everything all right? Are you back in town already?

1621. Not until tomorrow.

1622. Alex called me three times from a payphone, really upset.

1623. We got disconnected. What's the matter? Isn't she at the prom?

1624. The prom.

1625. Excuse me? Do you know where Alex Marshall is?

1626. Tenth grader? Brown hair? This high?

1627. Yeah. In the ladies room. She's been there for an hour.

1628. Alex? Are you in here?

1629. Alex, it's me.

1630. What are you doing here?

1631. Oh, honey, I just... I can't believe that I screwed up.

1632. I wasn't there when you left.

1633. Yeah? Well, it's not why I'm in here, so you can just go, OK?

1634. Oh, boy. I feel awful. Are you OK?

1635. Come on out and let me see how you look at least. Come on.

1636. I look like crap.

1637. I already took my hair out and everything.

1638. So what happened?

1639. Well, if I told you, you'd just freak out, so...

1640. What have you got to lose? Try me.

1641. OK.

1642. Cameron and his friends, they had this big plan

1643. and they rented this hotel room and...

1644. It was like a suite.

1645. Basically, I promised him that I was going to...

1646. I can't believe I'm going to say this to you.

1647. I promised him that I was going to...

1648. sleep with him after the prom.

1649. And an hour ago, we were on the dance floor,

1650. and I said, "I'm sorry, Cameron, you know, I'm just not ready".

1651. Good. Good girl.

1652. - Dad, come on. - I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Go on.

1653. And he goes, "Well, the limo, the room and the tux cost me $400,"

1654. and I said, "I'm sorry, I'm just not..."

1655. And he cuts me off and he says,

1656. "I never should have asked a stupid sophomore to the prom.

1657. "What a waste".

1658. Well, two seconds later...

1659. he goes and meets up with his old girlfriend

1660. and starts making out with her.

1661. This disgusting slut with a tongue ring.

1662. And then they were laughing and...

1663. I just can't go out there ever.

1664. Oh, honey, I'm so proud of you.

1665. - Dad! What are you doing? - Sorry.

1666. I'm sorry, but I am.

1667. Believe it or not, I know what it's like to be a woman.

1668. It's not as easy as it looks.

1669. But you stood up for yourself. You know how ahead of the game you are?

1670. A guy who treats you like that and talks to you like that, he's not...

1671. Worth my time. Yes, I know.

1672. It's true. He's not.

1673. And he's a total game player and I hate that.

1674. You are so much smarter than me.

1675. And look at you.

1676. That clown made out with a girl with a tongue ring over you?

1677. Honey...

1678. you look beautiful.

1679. Thanks.

1680. Take me home, Dad.

1681. What am I doing? She's not in the refrigerator.

1682. I wonder if it's too late to go over there.

1683. Of course it's not. It's never too late to do the right thing.

1684. I'll go over there and do the right thing.

1685. Hello?

1686. Ah, hi. It's me.

1687. I'm glad I found you.

1688. Ah, can I come up?

1689. Darcy?

1690. I need to...

1691. You need to what? It's one in the morning.

1692. I need to talk to you.

1693. OK.

1694. Thanks.

1695. So, you sleep here now?

1696. Well, I thought I'd give it a try before I have to sell the place.

1697. Sell it? You're not selling it?

1698. I can't afford to keep it. I don't have a job.

1699. You ought to try returning some of your phone calls.

1700. You got your job back.

1701. Do I? You're a real riot, you know that?

1702. It's true. Dan told me so himself.

1703. Why would he? I didn't do the job that he hired me to do.

1704. I don't blame him for firing me.

1705. Look, I'm er...

1706. Come on in. I don't have any chairs, but if you want to...

1707. What if I told you that you did everything you were hired to do,

1708. everything,

1709. but that someone was sabotaging you.

1710. Picking your brain, swiping your ideas...

1711. and you never even knew what hit you.

1712. How is that possible?

1713. Oh, trust me. It's possible.

1714. Who would do such an awful thing?

1715. I would.

1716. I was a dope with a corner office,

1717. and when you came with the job I was supposed to have...

1718. I mean, it didn't matter to me that...

1719. you were better at it than me or you earned it,

1720. I felt it was mine, and I was going to do anything to get it back.

1721. And so I took advantage of you in the worst possible way.

1722. Have you ever done that?

1723. Taken the wrong road? No, of course you haven't.

1724. You wouldn't do that.

1725. Somebody like me does that.

1726. And the problem with that was that while I was digging a hole under you...

1727. I found out all about you.

1728. And the more I found out... the more you dazzled me.

1729. I mean, shook my world, changed my life, dazzled me.

1730. And guys like that ex-husband of yours, I mean,

1731. he made you feel that the price you pay just for being you

1732. is that you don't get to have love.

1733. Isn't that what you were trying to say the other night?

1734. That you weren't complete? That you weren't really a winner like that?

1735. Everything about you - how smart you are, how good you are...

1736. Everything just makes me want you even more.

1737. Oh, boy.

1738. It looks like I'm here at one in the morning being all heroic,

1739. trying to rescue you.

1740. But the truth is...

1741. I'm the one that needs to be rescued.

1742. I sure wish I could read your mind.

1743. Well, I was thinking that um...

1744. if everything you're saying is true,

1745. if I really have my job back...

1746. then I think you're fired.

1747. I never really thought about it from that angle.

1748. Well, not that I don't deserve it. I..d-d-d...

1749. I'm stuttering.

1750. Now I feel kind of embarrassed that I told you I needed to be rescued.

1751. That's fine.

1752. That's it?

1753. I don't want that to be it.

1754. I don't want that to be it at all.

1755. Then don't let a little thing like me firing you stand in your way.

1756. I didn't know what to react to first.

1757. Hey, newsflash. I took the wrong road.

1758. What kind of knight in shining armour would I be

1759. if the man I love needs rescuing

1760. and I just let him walk out my door?

1761. My hero.