1. Wallace, whatever you saw,
there's an explanation.
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2. I'm not saying
that it's a good explanation,
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3. it's obviously a bad explanation,
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4. but we can't just
leave things like this.
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5. You have to call me back, okay?
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6. Wallace, whatever happened,
I still love you.
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7. This message
has been saved for 379 days.
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8. Message deleted.
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9. Yeah, that was supposed to be
an anonymous fridge magnet poem.
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10. And here I am quietly judging you.
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11. Oh, I can handle it.
I've humiliated myself
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12. much more thoroughly
in front of people I actually know.
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13. - Cheers.
- Cheers.
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14. I'm sorry, I moved your poem.
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15. I find this, like, weirdly addictive.
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16. - Yeah, like face tattoos.
- Like peeing in the ocean.
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17. Here it is. Here it is.
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18. - Hi.
- Hi.
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19. - Oh, did you guys meet?
- Kind of, yeah.
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20. - Wallace, this is my cousin Chantry.
- Hi.
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21. She's an animator. Chantry, this
is my college roommate Wallace.
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22. - You're Wallace?
- Yup.
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23. This is the first time
he's been outside in, like, a year.
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24. - Yeah.
- Yeah, you do look pale.
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25. I just assumed you were, like,
anemic or partially albino.
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26. - It's both, actually.
- He's been hibernating
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27. like an adorable bear cub
because of his broken heart.
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28. Please stop telling people that
and stroking my face.
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29. - Anyway—
- Hey. Do you guys know Becky?
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30. She's small, has brown hair, always
bragging about her eating disorder.
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31. I'm Becky.
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32. - It's been a while.
- Oh, hello.
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33. It's so good to see you again.
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34. - That's just what she sounds like.
- Can I give you a tour of the house?
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35. Come.
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36. To be fair,
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37. I don't always like parties, either.
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38. Awkward small talk is not my forte.
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39. It's fort, actually.
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40. Forte is Italian, it means "forcefully."
And fort is French for "strength."
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41. But I still say forte too.
If you say fort,
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42. everyone thinks you're getting it wrong,
even though it is correct.
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43. So is that, like, your thing?
Correcting people's pronunciation?
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44. - Yeah, that's my thing.
- How's that going for you?
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45. I have a dead-end job, I live in my
sister's attic, I basically never go out.
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46. Correcting pronunciation
is my old thing.
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47. My new thing is over-sharing.
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48. Here, try some of Allan's beer.
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49. Thank you.
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50. You actually knocked yourself out?
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51. I think so. And I'll tell you
something really weird.
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52. My face is, like,
permanently damaged.
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53. Like, if you look up here,
you can see there's, like—
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54. - I think there's, like, a dent.
- Sort of like Quasimodo.
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55. Yeah.
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56. So I've got to go to the bathroom.
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57. Do you need anything,
like some dental floss,
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58. - or, you know, expired aspirin?
- No, but I've left a matchbox in there,
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59. and I was hoping all the women here
could leave one pubic hair in there.
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60. I'll just go around
with, like, a party tray.
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61. No, they'll be in there. It'll be fine.
I'm stuffing a pillow.
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62. Okay.
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63. - Hey.
- Oh, hi.
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64. I was just leaving
without saying goodbye, like a dick.
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65. Yeah. Yeah, that's totally
what I am doing as well.
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66. Where are you...?
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67. I'm just, like, a couple blocks west.
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68. Me too.
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69. - Would you like to walk together?
- Yeah. Sure.
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70. Cool.
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71. I read in the tabloids
that she's a cannibal
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72. - and he faked Parkinson's for attention.
- I read that too. Crazy.
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73. Awful people. Really.
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74. This is actually me here.
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75. Right. Well, hey, I had
a really good time talking to you.
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76. Yeah. Me too.
Which is rare, actually.
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77. I'm usually not that social, so...
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78. Well,
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79. maybe you'd like
to talk again sometime.
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80. Yeah, definitely.
We should hang out.
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81. Yeah. It'd be lovely.
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82. Okay, so I'm gonna
give you my number.
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83. - Okay. I will...
- Top secret.
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84. Good.
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85. I did not mean to stay out so late.
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86. No, me neither.
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87. My boyfriend will be worried
about what happened to me,
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88. so, you know, call me.
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89. Yes. Thank you very much.
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90. - Nice to meet you.
- Nice meeting you.
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91. - Cool.
- Good night.
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92. Good night.
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93. Well, hey, I had a good time
talking to you.
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94. Yeah. Me too.
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95. My boyfriend will be wondering
what happened to me.
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96. - Hey, what's up, Felix?
- Hey.
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97. - You all right?
- Just dropped an earring.
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98. Your dinner's in the oven.
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99. - Good night.
- What time will you be home?
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100. If the date is good, midnight.
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101. If the date is bad, 8.
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102. No treats, okay?
And no horror movies.
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103. And don't let him go up on the roof.
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104. And don't sell his organs
on the black market.
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105. Okay. I'm off.
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106. Take care. Have fun. Good luck.
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107. - Clear!
- All right, mate, close your eyes.
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108. Clear.
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109. Okay, you can open them again.
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110. Thank you.
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111. Nothing gave Buttercup
as much pleasure
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112. as ordering Westley around.
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113. Farm boy?
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114. Polish my horse's saddle.
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115. I want to see my face
shining in it by morning.
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116. As you wish.
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117. "As you wish"
was all he ever said to her.
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118. Thank you.
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119. - Hey. Need a ride?
- Oh, hey.
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120. Hey. No, I think we're okay.
Thanks. Yeah.
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121. Sorry, I didn't see you there.
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122. No, I also didn't see you
standing right next to me.
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123. Hi, Wallace.
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124. - Chantry.
- Yes.
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125. - I'm here alone.
- Me too.
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126. My boyfriend was supposed to come,
but he had to work late, so...
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127. I like seeing movies
by myself, though.
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128. I think it's really cool
you're here alone.
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129. Oh, yeah. Super cool.
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130. Yeah.
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131. - Seriously?
- Yeah, seriously.
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132. Oh, Wallace, I don't think
you can have Princess Bride
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133. as one of your favorite movies
if you actually think love
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134. makes you a worse person.
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135. Well, no, it's irrelevant.
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136. The Princess Bride is a fairy tale.
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137. In fairy tales, love inspires you
to be noble and courageous,
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138. but in real life, love is just an
all-purpose excuse for selfish behavior.
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139. You can lie and cheat and hurt people,
and it's all okay because you're in love.
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140. I don't know
if you are actually cynical,
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141. or just a super crazy,
romantic cheese ball.
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142. You did go see Princess Bride
by yourself, on a weeknight,
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143. like a total loser.
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144. Yeah, well, your boyfriend ditched you,
and you still came all by yourself,
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145. - so who's the real loser?
- Are you hungry?
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146. I can't believe
you ordered deep-fried pickles.
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147. Pickles are disgusting.
Pickling is like embalming, basically.
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148. Like, a pickle jar
is like a tomb for cucumbers.
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149. I violated a tremendous amount
of corpses in medical school,
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150. so I know that pickling
is not the same as embalming.
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151. - You're a doctor?
- No.
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152. - Med school dropout.
- All right.
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153. The whole premise of deep-frying
is it makes everything taste better.
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154. - I don't like deep-fried food.
- French fries?
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155. Onion rings?
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156. - Fried chicken?
- Nope.
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157. - Fish and chips?
- Gross.
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158. Funnel cakes? Doughnuts?
Deep-fried banana sandwiches?
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159. No, but Elvis ate those.
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160. And something called Fool's Gold.
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161. - What is that?
- I don't know exactly,
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162. but I read on the Internet
that Elvis died
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163. with 40 pounds of undigested feces
still in his intestine.
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164. Thank you for telling me that
in the middle of dinner.
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165. - You're welcome.
- Next time I take a bite,
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166. - you can say "diarrhea."
- Diarrhea.
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167. Is this something
you learn in med school?
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168. Yeah. They go through the...
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169. - All the famous people.
- All the famous people
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170. and how much feces were left in
them at the time of their death.
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171. - Marie Antoinette?
- Tons.
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172. In fact, they had to guillotine
her intestine as well as her head.
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173. Yeah. They just, like, moved the body
further along through the machine.
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174. Who do you think weighs the feces?
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175. I think, as the king,
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176. it would've been, like,
a job that people fought for.
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177. "Well, if I can't dress him,
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178. if I can't make him look pretty for the
casket, can I at least touch his poo?"
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179. - You think he kept a bit?
- I'm sure he did.
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180. In a matchbox or something, yeah.
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181. Like, one of those little vials
you could wear around your neck.
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182. Like, yeah, he had, like,
a little shit locket.
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183. Yeah, yes.
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184. So, like, I've been with Ben
for five years, and, like,
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185. I get that guys don't want to hang
out with the girl with the boyfriend,
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186. but it just sucks, you know.
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187. It just makes you feel like
the only thing
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188. that's interesting about you
is how you look with your clothes off.
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189. I mean, like, it should be easier to
make friends if you have a boyfriend,
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190. because there's no confusion.
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191. So is that it?
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192. That's your big pitch
to be my friend?
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193. - That was terrible.
- Yeah, I know, I know.
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194. I'm just—
I practiced in the mirror, and...
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195. - Anyway.
- Friends?
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196. - Yeah, why not? Friends.
- All right.
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197. Is this how you make friends?
Like a business deal?
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198. Yeah, actually. It's just my style.
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199. It's quite unnerving, but it's good.
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200. "What's shaking, hot pants?"
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201. You can't write
"What's shaking, hot pants?"
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202. Have you seen anyone wearing
hot pants in the last five years?
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203. That homeless man who shouts
at people near the pool.
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204. "So I found this website
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205. where they explain
what Fool's Gold is.
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206. You take
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207. a loaf of Italian white bread,
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208. you coat it in butter
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209. and bake it.
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210. Then you hollow out the inside
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211. and coat it
with an entire jar of peanut butter,
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212. and an entire jar of jam.
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213. Then you stuff it
with a pound of crispy bacon.
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214. The website said it serves
eight to ten people, or one Elvis."
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215. You know, a jar of peanut butter
has, like, 6,000 calories in it.
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216. And bacon is not even a food.
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217. Technically, it's just pure fat.
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218. "Championbeefcake@hotmail.com,
re: Just pure fat.
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219. I can't confirm how much feces
were in Elvis's colon when he died,
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220. but I did find out
how he discovered Fool's Gold."
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221. They get on the jet, private jet,
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222. fly to Denver, get to Denver,
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223. order Fool's Gold sandwiches
to be delivered to the plane,
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224. eat them, fly back to Graceland
without ever getting off the plane.
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225. And the best part is,
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226. February 1st, 1976?
The day my parents got married.
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227. - Oh, no. Wallace!
- Come on.
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228. - Got it!
- Mail storm!
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229. It starts dirty, it ends dirty.
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230. A relationship that starts with a breakup
is doomed to end with a breakup.
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231. - Who said that?
- Me.
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232. You, after Vicky Cardero gave me
a BJ at her boyfriend's keg party
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233. - and I wanted to ask her out.
- I recall you ignored that advice.
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234. - What was the result?
- It ended dirty.
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235. Gonorrhea-and-a-fistfight dirty.
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236. This is not gonorrhea and a fistfight.
I'm not trying to break them up.
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237. I just— I'm happy
just being friends with her.
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238. Is this a good
housewarming gift for Nicole?
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239. Why are you buying a housewarming
gift? She's moving into your house.
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240. Girls are weird about this sort of stuff,
and I'd rather overcompensate.
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241. How much for the flying moose?
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242. This dinner is a terrible idea.
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243. Normally, I wouldn't care about you
tumbling into some mess with a girl.
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244. I'd even rejoice
at the statistically tiny
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245. but mathematical possible chance
of a threesome, but this is my cousin.
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246. I accidentally
saw her labia one time,
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247. immediately, explosive diarrhea.
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248. Oh, but you are misreading
this whole situation,
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249. because you can't interact with
a woman without sex screwing it up.
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250. But I can, because I'm a grown-up.
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251. And it's so adorable
that you really believe that.
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252. More importantly,
if this was your bedside lamp,
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253. do you think the warm glow would make
you feel more sexually experimental?
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254. - Absolutely.
- What do you think?
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255. I've got the same one at home.
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256. It's the worst thing that's
ever happened in all of human history.
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257. Was it worse than when that meteor
hit Earth and killed all the dinosaurs?
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258. Yes. My breakup is definitely
worse than a stupid meteor.
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259. I just can't believe
that Rob cheated on you.
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260. - With a grad student.
- No, I know.
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261. Her thesis is probably
on how to be a rat-faced whore.
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262. And I really liked him. I'm so sorry.
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263. I liked him so much, I don't even want to
sleep with his friends to get back at him.
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264. I mean, I will,
but I'm not gonna enjoy it.
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265. Do you think there might be, like,
a less skanky option for rebounding?
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266. No. This is something
you have to do.
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267. I'm gonna go. I don't want
to wreck your dinner party.
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268. No, no, it's not a dinner party.
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269. It's just, like, my friend, Wallace.
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270. Stay. This Wallace guy
could be a good rebound for you.
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271. Okay.
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272. Please, go easy on him.
He's delicate.
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273. - Hi.
- Hi.
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274. - Hey. I brought booze.
- Thank you. That's so nice.
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275. - You're welcome.
- You can take your coat off.
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276. I will. Thank you very much.
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277. Wow, this place is
just like I imagined.
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278. - Really?
- Well, I mean,
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279. yeah, I pictured more potpourri
and doilies and stuffed animals
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280. - and things, knowing you, you know...
- I put that away.
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281. I know that it weirds you out.
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282. Ben, Wallace is here.
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283. - Hi.
- Hey, Wallace. How are you?
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284. Hi.
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285. - Sorry.
- No worries.
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286. Let me dry off my hands.
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287. - Thanks for coming by.
- No. Nice to meet you. Thank you.
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288. - Hey, everybody.
- Hey.
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289. Oh, Wallace, this is my sister, Dalia.
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290. - Nice to—
- So nice to meet you.
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291. - Hi.
- Hello.
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292. - You smell really good.
- Really?
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293. Yeah. Or maybe
it just smells really bad in here, right?
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294. No, he smells great.
But it is getting kind of oniony in here.
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295. - Can someone open the window?
- Yeah, I'll get it.
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296. Right over there.
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297. So, Wallace, I'd like to get
your opinion on something.
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298. - Yeah?
- Europe.
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299. The—? The continent?
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300. - See?
- Is it?
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301. - Is it?
- Yes, it is a cont—
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302. - Is it a continent?
- It is.
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303. He is from that continent,
he should know.
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304. Okay, look at a map, any map,
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305. Europe's not a separate continent,
it's clearly part of Asia.
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306. Right. But, wait, so if Europe isn't
a continent, then why is it a continent?
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307. Because Europeans were the ones
who decided what the continents are,
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308. and they didn't want to get lumped in
with all the, you know, Asians.
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309. Ben is trying to change the world
from the inside out.
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310. Okay? Eurasia.
That's what they should call it.
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311. - Europe plus Asia: Eurasia.
- Okay.
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312. - Who wants more wine?
- I do. Please.
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313. - In my glass.
- Yeah.
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314. And so, Ben, what is it exactly
that you do at the U.N.?
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315. I'm part of an international consortium
of lawyers with a U.N. mandate
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316. to negotiate
global copyright standards.
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317. More importantly, are you trying
to sleep with my girlfriend?
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318. Ben was working late, I don't know,
and Allan invited me...
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319. Don't worry,
we're just talking "guy," okay?
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320. They think we're talking about
international copyright law.
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321. Okay.
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322. Now, look, I have no problem with the
concept of Chantry having guy friends,
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323. - but if you're trying to move in—
- No, no, God, I wouldn't do that.
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324. I just want to be friends with her.
And with you.
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325. Friends is fine. Okay?
I can do friends.
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326. But you'd better not try
and put your penis anywhere near her.
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327. - Okay.
- Every country has different laws,
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328. so it's a logistical nightmare, but
I think it's important work, you know?
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329. - I think it's worth it.
- Yeah, that is impressive.
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330. Very impressive.
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331. Oh, shit.
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332. You all right?
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333. - Oh, my God, my eye.
- What is it?
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334. He's just rubbed his eye.
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335. God! My eye. It's really burning.
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336. - Did you cut the jalapeño?
- Yeah, I did.
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337. - Yeah.
- Oh, my...
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338. - Wallace, medical school!
- Shit, it hurts!
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339. Okay, well, do you—? Saline solution.
Do you use contacts?
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340. - I do. It's in the bathroom.
- Ben wears contacts.
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341. - Okay. Where?
- Through that door.
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342. - Yeah.
- Oh, God, that's painful!
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343. - Okay, what can I do, honey?
- God, that burns so badly.
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344. It's on that rag
and it's in my other eye now!
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345. I'm sorry. Just...
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346. Over there!
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347. - Ben? Ben!
- Oh, shit!
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348. - Oh, my God!
- Ben?
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349. Are you okay?
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350. Okay, don't move. Ben!
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351. - Do something.
- Call 911!
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352. Oh, no!
Okay, stay right there! Don't move!
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353. I'm sorry. You look fine.
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354. It hurts me! It hurts me!
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355. - Just be still.
- What if I'm paralyzed?
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356. - What if I'm—?
- You're not paralyzed.
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357. I'm gonna give you something
for the pain to help you relax.
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358. Oh, my God.
What if I relax too much?
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359. What if I lose control
of my bodily function?
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360. What if I shit myself?
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361. You know, that actually happens
more than you'd think.
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362. It's the worst part of my job.
It's super gross.
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363. Here we go.
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364. Okay. Okay. Okay.
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365. - And there we are.
- Just lie still.
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366. Should you really be eating?
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367. Stress makes me hungry. That's why
I can never be a fighter pilot.
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368. I'd weigh, like, 500 pounds, I wouldn't
even be able to fit in the cockpit.
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369. Holy night
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370. So, what's the prognosis, doc?
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371. He'll need the cast
for a few more weeks,
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372. but the neck brace is a precaution.
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373. And he'll probably
be out in the morning.
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374. If you're gonna spend the night,
I can wait here with Ben.
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375. You guys get something to eat.
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376. What are you getting?
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377. Tuna salad. Yeah.
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378. - I hate hospitals.
- Me too.
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379. I spent a lot of time
in hospitals as a child.
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380. Because of all your deformities?
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381. - My parents met as surgical interns.
- Right.
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382. He does cardiology,
she does orthopedics.
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383. He actually proposed to her on the roof
of Charing Cross Hospital in London.
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384. That's romantic.
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385. Yeah, until the affairs.
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386. She cheated on him,
he cheated on her.
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387. It was just a mess.
Copy !req
388. How old were you
when they got divorced?
Copy !req
389. Seven, I think.
Copy !req
390. You don't know
how to teleport, do you?
Copy !req
391. - No.
- Okay.
Copy !req
392. Then I want to apologize
for the horribly awkward situation
Copy !req
393. you're about to witness.
Copy !req
394. Hi.
Copy !req
395. Sorry, Chantry, this is Megan, my...
Copy !req
396. Well, my nothing in particular.
Copy !req
397. Nice to meet you.
Copy !req
398. Wallace, what are you doing here?
Are you sick?
Copy !req
399. No, Chantry's boyfriend
fell out of a window, but he's okay.
Copy !req
400. - Do you want me to look in on him?
- No. That won't be necessary.
Copy !req
401. I'm gonna go.
We only get 15 minutes to eat lunch.
Copy !req
402. Don't get the bagel
with smoked salmon,
Copy !req
403. or the tuna salad,
or anything with seafood in it.
Copy !req
404. The company that stocks the machine
has failed four inspections,
Copy !req
405. but the manager's brother
works for the mayor.
Copy !req
406. I'm sorry, I've been on shift
for 18 hours and I'm really tired.
Copy !req
407. I had so much coffee, and when I saw
her, I thought she was your girlfriend,
Copy !req
408. and that made me want to cry.
Copy !req
409. It's weird I'm saying this out loud,
right?
Copy !req
410. - You are, and it is.
- I just want us to be friends.
Copy !req
411. Not today, but someday.
Copy !req
412. Whatever he said,
it wasn't black-and-white—
Copy !req
413. He hasn't said anything about you.
Copy !req
414. He's never even mentioned you.
Copy !req
415. Okay, it was nice to meet you.
Copy !req
416. - I hope your boyfriend feels better.
- Thank you.
Copy !req
417. That was my ex-girlfriend.
Copy !req
418. - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
419. Dude, you're really fishhooking me
over this new manual.
Copy !req
420. Is fishhooking good or bad?
Copy !req
421. - You enjoy being fishhooked?
- I've never been fishhooked.
Copy !req
422. - Take a guess.
- Probably not.
Copy !req
423. Definitely not.
Copy !req
424. Nobody wants to be fishhooked.
Copy !req
425. All those girls in high school
you fishhooked, they didn't like it.
Copy !req
426. They just wanted to have sex with me.
You. Men. Men.
Copy !req
427. I'm off topic.
Copy !req
428. - God, I hope so.
- Yeah. Manual.
Copy !req
429. It needs a lot of work.
Copy !req
430. So I'll give you another wee—
Month.
Copy !req
431. Extra month. So make it...
Copy !req
432. Make it right.
Copy !req
433. Hang on a second.
Copy !req
434. Seriously, Josh,
this is where we're doing it?
Copy !req
435. With the wood? Because I think
it might be cleaner someplace else.
Copy !req
436. - You're blocking the shot, so...
- Oh, sorry.
Copy !req
437. - Keep going, Josh.
- Douche.
Copy !req
438. It is total bullshit that Josh got
the project manager job over you.
Copy !req
439. Everyone knows it's your design,
and now Josh is acting like it's his.
Copy !req
440. - It's, like, sexism or something.
- Our boss is a woman.
Copy !req
441. I am so pissed that I gave Josh
a hojo after the Christmas party.
Copy !req
442. In your defense, it is kind of your
tradition to give one of our coworkers
Copy !req
443. a handsie for Christmas.
Copy !req
444. Listen, guys, Holly offered me
the promotion first.
Copy !req
445. - I turned it down.
- What?
Copy !req
446. - Why?
- Because I like being an animator.
Copy !req
447. I do, and the project manager
has to deal with so much more,
Copy !req
448. like, hassle and paperwork
and meetings,
Copy !req
449. and Josh is gonna end up
stuck in Taiwan half the year.
Copy !req
450. Yeah, all that extra power and money
and travel is gonna suck.
Copy !req
451. Stop. She doesn't want
the hassle, okay?
Copy !req
452. She's got a great job, a great boyfriend,
great friends like me, kind of you.
Copy !req
453. She's happy
just the way things are, right?
Copy !req
454. Right.
Copy !req
455. Oh, good, there they are.
Copy !req
456. "Servings per pack, about 107."
Copy !req
457. - Oh, about.
- About.
Copy !req
458. Oh, okay.
Copy !req
459. Just in case you wanted to eat
all of it in one sitting.
Copy !req
460. That is not a good idea.
Copy !req
461. Please don't— Please don't eat it all.
Copy !req
462. I won't.
Copy !req
463. I wanna know
where the weird shit is.
Copy !req
464. Like, where are the animal parts
that you think are trash,
Copy !req
465. - but are actually food?
- Chantry, I've been waiting
Copy !req
466. for the right moment
to talk to you about this,
Copy !req
467. but I think maybe it's better just
to stop building it up and just say it.
Copy !req
468. Okay. Is everything okay?
Copy !req
469. Oh, no, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Of course, yeah.
Copy !req
470. Okay, so we've been together
five years,
Copy !req
471. and it feels like
our relationship is built to last.
Copy !req
472. No matter what the future holds.
Copy !req
473. I've been asked to take charge
of the European negotiation.
Copy !req
474. It's a six-month contract.
Copy !req
475. But the thing is,
the team is based in Ireland,
Copy !req
476. so I would have to live in Dublin,
Copy !req
477. although I'd have to travel
around the whole continent.
Copy !req
478. You mean the subcontinent,
Copy !req
479. - but that's okay.
- Right.
Copy !req
480. Look, this is important to me,
Copy !req
481. but there is nothing
more important than you.
Copy !req
482. So if you feel like
the long-distance thing
Copy !req
483. is too much, I'll turn it down.
Copy !req
484. This is a huge opportunity
for you, right?
Copy !req
485. Lead negotiator?
Copy !req
486. - I love you.
- I love you.
Copy !req
487. Go, Felix!
Copy !req
488. Dude, I'm not saying you can't eat it.
I'm saying you'll get horribly sick.
Copy !req
489. But it wouldn't kill you.
Copy !req
490. You can eat your own poop,
Copy !req
491. but if you eat the poop
that you poop out
Copy !req
492. after eating the first poop,
it's so toxic, you'll die.
Copy !req
493. So you can eat your poop once,
but not twice.
Copy !req
494. Hey, excuse me.
Copy !req
495. Okay, where did you get beer
at a children's karate tournament?
Copy !req
496. "Where'd you get beer
at a children's karate tournament?"
Copy !req
497. So, Wallace, we should
get to know each other better.
Copy !req
498. Talk about the issues of our time.
Copy !req
499. Gay marriage, abortion,
can men and women really be friends,
Copy !req
500. or do you secretly
want to bang Chantry?
Copy !req
501. Thank you. She has a boyfriend.
Copy !req
502. - Yeah, who you threw out a window.
- By accident.
Copy !req
503. Dude, listen,
Ben is moving to Dublin,
Copy !req
504. and your whole "if it starts dirty,
it ends dirty" thing is bullshit anyways.
Copy !req
505. The night I met Allan,
I was so into him,
Copy !req
506. it wasn't till I woke up the next morning
that I remembered I had a boyfriend.
Copy !req
507. Love is dirty, baby.
Copy !req
508. Sometimes it's downright filthy.
Copy !req
509. Oh, Christ.
Copy !req
510. Hey.
Copy !req
511. I need to wear something
to this company dinner
Copy !req
512. with our production partners
from Taiwan.
Copy !req
513. What do you think?
Copy !req
514. I think that's quite a dress.
Copy !req
515. Do you think it's, like,
a little too slutty for me?
Copy !req
516. - No, nothing's too slutty for you.
- Can I help you?
Copy !req
517. Yeah, actually,
I would like to try on that dress.
Copy !req
518. We only have the one left,
and it's a size two.
Copy !req
519. - Are you a two?
- Yes.
Copy !req
520. - I'm gonna get the measuring tape.
- I'm a two.
Copy !req
521. Wallace?
Copy !req
522. - Wallace.
- Yes?
Copy !req
523. Are you alone?
Copy !req
524. Like, in the universe?
Copy !req
525. No, in the hallway.
Copy !req
526. - Yes.
- Okay...
Copy !req
527. - Do you need me to get someone?
- No, no, don't get anyone.
Copy !req
528. I need you to come in here.
Copy !req
529. What?
Copy !req
530. I'm kind of stuck.
Copy !req
531. So I need you to crawl under,
but keep your eyes closed.
Copy !req
532. - Really?
- I am in a state of undress.
Copy !req
533. - You need to close your eyes.
- Okay, okay.
Copy !req
534. Do you promise to close your eyes?
Copy !req
535. - Yes, I promise.
- Hurry.
Copy !req
536. - What?
- I— No—
Copy !req
537. - Did you open your eyes?
- No, I just banged my head
Copy !req
538. because my eyes are closed.
Copy !req
539. Okay, so here's what happened.
Copy !req
540. I tried it on, and I think
it got hooked on my bra or something,
Copy !req
541. - and now I can't get it off.
- Right.
Copy !req
542. You're not gonna laugh, are you?
Copy !req
543. - I can't even see what's going on.
- Okay.
Copy !req
544. Okay.
Copy !req
545. - Are your eyes closed?
- Yes.
Copy !req
546. I think you need to move a bit.
Copy !req
547. There, yeah.
Copy !req
548. - You're all right.
- No. It's stuck.
Copy !req
549. Okay, okay.
Turn around, turn to me.
Copy !req
550. Yeah.
Copy !req
551. - Thank you.
- It's okay.
Copy !req
552. Should I hold that?
Copy !req
553. Here, hold this.
Copy !req
554. And keep your eyes closed.
Copy !req
555. Oh, I love you so much,
I wanna just rip off your arms and legs
Copy !req
556. and carry you around
in my purse all day.
Copy !req
557. I love you so much I want
to grind up your muscles
Copy !req
558. and organs and bones
and spread you on toast.
Copy !req
559. I love you so much I want to just cut
you open and scoop out your insides
Copy !req
560. and wear your skin around town
like an Allan suit.
Copy !req
561. - Okay. Bye, Wallace.
- Bye, Nicole.
Copy !req
562. Can I talk to you about something?
Copy !req
563. I just had sex.
I'm about to eat nachos!
Copy !req
564. It's the greatest moment of my life!
Copy !req
565. Unless you screw it up
with whatever you're about to say.
Copy !req
566. It's about your cousin.
Copy !req
567. She's my cousin. It's like incest.
Copy !req
568. Well, she's not my cousin.
Copy !req
569. But you're like my brother,
so it's like my brother asking my advice
Copy !req
570. on how to incestuously
bang my cousin.
Copy !req
571. No, I'm not. She—
She has a boyfriend.
Copy !req
572. Yeah. Yeah. He's been coming over
Copy !req
573. for Thanksgiving and Christmas
for the past five years.
Copy !req
574. Okay, let me break it down for you.
Copy !req
575. This perfect nacho chip is Ben.
Copy !req
576. He works at the United Nations as
an expert in international copyright law.
Copy !req
577. This moldy banana is you.
Copy !req
578. I have no idea what you do.
Every time you tell me, I fall asleep.
Copy !req
579. You know I write user manuals
for dedicated purchasing software.
Copy !req
580. - Like copyright law is so exciting.
- At least he's an expert in something.
Copy !req
581. What are you an expert in? Nothing.
Copy !req
582. "There are no people
anywhere in the world
Copy !req
583. seeking my advice on any subject."
Copy !req
584. Ben's been dating Chantry
for five years.
Copy !req
585. They live together.
Copy !req
586. They own furniture.
Copy !req
587. They have a cat. You have nothing.
Copy !req
588. You don't even have a plant.
Copy !req
589. You've been single
since that douche bag Megan
Copy !req
590. broke your fragile little heart.
Copy !req
591. Okay, okay.
I broke up with Megan, all right?
Copy !req
592. She wanted to stay together
and work it out.
Copy !req
593. I said no, so I dumped her.
Copy !req
594. Of course you did.
Copy !req
595. Anyway, I get it. It's fine.
Copy !req
596. She's in a relationship.
Nothing's gonna happen.
Copy !req
597. You totally killed
my sex nacho high.
Copy !req
598. So...
Copy !req
599. Keys,
Copy !req
600. wallet, there it is.
Copy !req
601. Passport, phone.
Copy !req
602. Keys, wallet and, yes, this.
Copy !req
603. It's an open ticket to Dublin.
It's a five-hour flight.
Copy !req
604. It's already paid for,
so use it whenever you want,
Copy !req
605. even if it's just for a weekend,
Copy !req
606. even if it's just for a day,
Copy !req
607. even if it's just for a kiss.
Copy !req
608. Okay?
Copy !req
609. No, baby, baby, I got to go.
I got to go. The cab's here.
Copy !req
610. I'm so sorry. I can't miss my flight.
Copy !req
611. Okay, I'm so late. Okay?
Copy !req
612. Okay, baby?
Copy !req
613. Goodbye.
Copy !req
614. - Love you.
- Love you too.
Copy !req
615. Bye.
Copy !req
616. Hey, it's me.
Sorry I missed your call.
Copy !req
617. I'm in Berlin.
Copy !req
618. Hey, it's me. I'm in Munich.
Copy !req
619. Hey, I'm in Prague.
I'm in Amsterdam. I'm in Florence.
Copy !req
620. Hey, honey, I'm in Vienna now.
Copy !req
621. I got your message.
Cell reception in Athens is a mess.
Copy !req
622. - Did you get my postcard?
- Hey, it's me.
Copy !req
623. Why don't you call me right before you
go to bed, even if it's a weird time here.
Copy !req
624. I just want to hear your voice.
Copy !req
625. So I finally got my cast off.
Copy !req
626. My arm's all smelly and shriveled.
Copy !req
627. If I felt you up, it'd be like you were
cheating on me with my evil twin.
Copy !req
628. Please, tell me more
about how you want to molest me
Copy !req
629. with your creepy, rancid freak arm.
Copy !req
630. You'd love Dublin, though.
Copy !req
631. They've got us all staying
in the same building,
Copy !req
632. so the whole office
is basically living together,
Copy !req
633. but I've already made
some good friends.
Copy !req
634. It's nice, but I just...
Copy !req
635. You know, I miss you so much.
Copy !req
636. Yeah, I know, I...
Copy !req
637. I really miss you too.
Copy !req
638. Look, I got to go, okay?
Copy !req
639. I love you.
Copy !req
640. Okay.
Copy !req
641. - See you.
- Okay.
Copy !req
642. - All right, speak tonight.
- All right, talk to you then.
Copy !req
643. - Bye-bye.
- Bye.
Copy !req
644. - Sorry.
- No worries.
Copy !req
645. - Black for you, milk for me.
- Cheers.
Copy !req
646. Yep.
Copy !req
647. So is Ben settling in okay?
Copy !req
648. Yeah, he's great. He's doing great.
Copy !req
649. He's having a great time.
Copy !req
650. Are you having a great time?
Copy !req
651. Not really. I'm having
kind of a crappy time, actually.
Copy !req
652. - Sorry.
- Yep, this, right now,
Copy !req
653. this is the high point
of my social calendar.
Copy !req
654. See, that is sad.
Copy !req
655. I know. I've been thinking
about just starting drinking.
Copy !req
656. - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
657. - Heavily.
- Heavily.
Copy !req
658. Do you need someone
to start drinking with you?
Copy !req
659. - Really?
- I'm very, very willing.
Copy !req
660. You want to help me
drown my sorrows?
Copy !req
661. Of course. Absolutely.
Copy !req
662. Done.
Copy !req
663. Bottoms up.
Copy !req
664. Oh, my God!
Copy !req
665. - Horrible.
- Horrible.
Copy !req
666. - As always.
- And cheap.
Copy !req
667. All right, prospective person
at this bar for you.
Copy !req
668. I don't think anyone I'd like
would come to a place like this.
Copy !req
669. You're here, Wallace.
Copy !req
670. - Yeah, because you dragged me here.
- So?
Copy !req
671. Look at this girl. She's so pretty.
Copy !req
672. Oh, yeah.
Copy !req
673. - "Yeah." No, she's super pretty.
- Yeah. Oh, okay.
Copy !req
674. You want me to go tell her
that you have six nipples?
Copy !req
675. - Yeah. No, you know what?
- All right.
Copy !req
676. No, you know what? I'll do it myself.
It'll be easier coming from me.
Copy !req
677. - Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Copy !req
678. - I'm sorry, hi.
- Hi.
Copy !req
679. You've got amazing teeth.
Copy !req
680. Sorry, can I buy this drink for you?
Copy !req
681. Yeah, that's so sweet.
Copy !req
682. - Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Copy !req
683. So...
Copy !req
684. Burn.
Copy !req
685. All right,
weirdest place you've ever had sex.
Copy !req
686. Bakery, night shift.
Copy !req
687. I will never be comfortable
eating a cupcake again.
Copy !req
688. What about you?
Copy !req
689. Ferris wheel.
Copy !req
690. Stuck at the very top.
We could see for miles around,
Copy !req
691. but no one could see us.
Copy !req
692. Yes! Oh, yeah!
Copy !req
693. Thank you for being
so gracious in victory.
Copy !req
694. Hand clasp of champions.
Copy !req
695. Rub it in.
Copy !req
696. So how many serious relationships
have you actually had?
Copy !req
697. Four! Two in high school,
Copy !req
698. and one in college before Ben,
and then Ben.
Copy !req
699. - You?
- Six?
Copy !req
700. One in high school,
one the summer after high school,
Copy !req
701. three in college, and one since.
Copy !req
702. No, sorry, two since. So seven.
Copy !req
703. Are you usually
the dumper or dumpee?
Copy !req
704. Statistically, I'm a dumper, but it's
not like I've never been dumped.
Copy !req
705. I've just been really good
at knowing when to get out.
Copy !req
706. - You?
- No, I've never dumped anyone.
Copy !req
707. I always try to make it work.
Copy !req
708. You know, I haven't hit the bar scene
in, like, a very long time.
Copy !req
709. I thought it was gonna be the worst,
but that was surprisingly painless.
Copy !req
710. I'm just sorry
you didn't find true love tonight.
Copy !req
711. Well, you can't have it all.
Copy !req
712. And what's the worst thing
that's ever happened to you?
Copy !req
713. The worst thing
that's ever happened to me
Copy !req
714. is kind of the best thing
that's ever happened to me.
Copy !req
715. Megan, you met the other day,
Copy !req
716. I burst in on her making out with our,
frankly, gross anatomy professor,
Copy !req
717. and I was like,
"Wow, we actually are my parents.
Copy !req
718. We are almost both doctors,
Copy !req
719. and we're already
starting cheating on each other."
Copy !req
720. So I got out of there, and yeah.
Copy !req
721. So, in a way, that became
Copy !req
722. the best thing
that ever happened to me.
Copy !req
723. So, what is the worst thing
that ever happened to you?
Copy !req
724. My mom died
when I was in junior high.
Copy !req
725. She had breast cancer.
Copy !req
726. You don't realize how quickly
everything can fall apart until it does.
Copy !req
727. Makes you never want to give up
anything good ever again.
Copy !req
728. Can I change my answer?
Copy !req
729. The worst thing
that happened to me
Copy !req
730. is saying
my lame relationship drama
Copy !req
731. is the worst thing
that happened to me,
Copy !req
732. when something really awful
happened to you.
Copy !req
733. It's okay.
Copy !req
734. I like your answer.
Copy !req
735. Plus, I get to be part of
the worst part of your life now.
Copy !req
736. That's really good.
Copy !req
737. And for future reference,
when the answer is
Copy !req
738. your mom died of cancer,
you should really go first.
Copy !req
739. All right.
Thanks for the etiquette lesson.
Copy !req
740. No worries.
Copy !req
741. Good night, Wallace.
Copy !req
742. Good night, Chantry.
Copy !req
743. You know,
he has all these new experiences,
Copy !req
744. he's meeting all these new people.
Copy !req
745. And then,
"What's going on with you?"
Copy !req
746. And it's like, "Well, I'm in the middle
of my same old life,
Copy !req
747. except, whoops,
my boyfriend's out of the country."
Copy !req
748. So Dalia was telling us
about this Wallace guy...?
Copy !req
749. We're friends.
Copy !req
750. Well, no, I know, obviously
you guys are friends, but is he cute?
Copy !req
751. Should you be introducing him
Copy !req
752. to your single,
desperate friends like me?
Copy !req
753. No, no, I already called dibs on him.
Copy !req
754. Why?
Copy !req
755. He was supposed to be my rebound.
That's why it didn't work with Noel.
Copy !req
756. I needed a buffer
between Rob and Noel.
Copy !req
757. A buffer made of sex.
Copy !req
758. You little prostitute.
Copy !req
759. - Dalia, you barely know him.
- Well, you know him.
Copy !req
760. You hang out with him all the time,
so he's not a loser.
Copy !req
761. He hasn't made some
creepy move on you,
Copy !req
762. so we know he's not a creep.
He's vetted.
Copy !req
763. Well, is he funny or smart?
Copy !req
764. He's definitely smart.
He's not funny.
Copy !req
765. He's, like, kind of, like, bantery.
Copy !req
766. He's kind of like a male version
of Chantry, actually.
Copy !req
767. - Oh, wait, so he's Mantry?
- Oh, no.
Copy !req
768. - Yes, he is. He's totally Mantry.
- No. No, we're not—
Copy !req
769. Dalia wants to have rebound sex
with her sister's man-twin.
Copy !req
770. Option one, make a move on her.
Copy !req
771. Bold, direct.
Copy !req
772. If you're lucky, you hook up,
she feels guilty, breaks up with Ben.
Copy !req
773. If you're unlucky, she's furious,
ends your friendship.
Copy !req
774. - So be sleazy?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
775. - You think that'll work?
- No.
Copy !req
776. Even if she goes for it, she'll
resent you for getting her to cheat.
Copy !req
777. She'll break up with him,
won't go out with you, you're...
Copy !req
778. - Sleazy.
- Yeah. Option two,
Copy !req
779. be the guy she goes to for advice.
Copy !req
780. The downside is you have to listen
to her talk about Ben.
Copy !req
781. The upside is you can slant your
advice to slowly turn her against him.
Copy !req
782. - So be conniving?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
783. - And that'll work?
- Maybe.
Copy !req
784. Maybe she'll see through it,
think you're...
Copy !req
785. - Conniving?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
786. Option three, patiently wait it out.
Copy !req
787. Either the distance
gets to them and they break up,
Copy !req
788. or it doesn't, and they get married,
live a happy life,
Copy !req
789. with you always on the outside
looking in, quietly pining indefinitely.
Copy !req
790. - So be pathetic?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
791. That sounds fun.
Copy !req
792. Well, it's got the advantage
of not being unethical,
Copy !req
793. but the disadvantage of being...
Copy !req
794. - Pathetic.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
795. So your advice is be sleazy,
conniving or pathetic.
Copy !req
796. Well, when you put it that way,
it doesn't sound like very good advice.
Copy !req
797. - Oh, my God.
- Do you like it?
Copy !req
798. Well, it's not my engagement ring.
Copy !req
799. - It's whether she'll like it.
- I think she'll love it.
Copy !req
800. Then you're made for each other.
Copy !req
801. Why'd you get all snaky when we
were talking about Wallace earlier?
Copy !req
802. I...
Copy !req
803. Come on.
Copy !req
804. Look, you just, like—
Copy !req
805. You don't have the greatest
track record with guys. That's all.
Copy !req
806. I'm gonna break his heart,
mess up your friendship?
Copy !req
807. No.
Copy !req
808. So you think
I'm not good enough for him?
Copy !req
809. Obviously not.
That's obviously not what it is.
Copy !req
810. Okay, some of us
aren't as lucky as you and Ben.
Copy !req
811. Some of us just want a guy
that doesn't make us feel like crap.
Copy !req
812. There is a fourth option.
Copy !req
813. - Yeah?
- Be honest.
Copy !req
814. Tell her how you feel.
Copy !req
815. It might ruin the friendship,
but at least
Copy !req
816. you stood up like a man
and expressed your feelings.
Copy !req
817. Wait, I'm sorry.
Since when does being a man
Copy !req
818. involve expressing your feelings?
Copy !req
819. Did I miss a memo?
Because if I recall,
Copy !req
820. being a man meant
hiding your feelings forever.
Copy !req
821. Like Bruce Willis. You never see
Bruce Willis expressing feelings.
Copy !req
822. The most you ever get out of Bruce
is a hint of melancholy
Copy !req
823. - at the edge of a smirk.
- Do you think Bruce
Copy !req
824. would be happy just being friends?
Copy !req
825. A hundred percent honesty
is the foundation of any relationship.
Copy !req
826. You are a hundred percent honest
with Nicole?
Copy !req
827. - Yes. Yep.
- About everything?
Copy !req
828. New Orleans, 2006?
What was her name? Favia?
Copy !req
829. Yeah, she did look like a woman,
to be fair.
Copy !req
830. Ninety-nine percent honesty
is the foundation of any relationship.
Copy !req
831. You know, it's not worth the risk,
not if it means losing her as a friend.
Copy !req
832. - Well, so then it's option five.
- What's that?
Copy !req
833. You move on.
Copy !req
834. Hello.
Copy !req
835. - Oh, hi.
- Hey.
Copy !req
836. Hello, welcome.
Copy !req
837. Welcome to our engagement party.
Copy !req
838. We are so happy to have everybody
we care about together in one space.
Copy !req
839. Here's the thing, we both
really want to get married, but—
Copy !req
840. But we hate weddings. Every wedding
I've been to has completely sucked.
Copy !req
841. Sorry, Aunt Cathy,
Uncle Drew and Olivia.
Copy !req
842. And we don't like long engagements,
so we are getting married
Copy !req
843. here, tonight.
Copy !req
844. Zella is our registered civil officiant.
Copy !req
845. Oh, and, Mom, I got your wedding
dress altered. I hope that's okay.
Copy !req
846. Becky's gonna be
Nicole's maid of honor.
Copy !req
847. - Wallace
- Here!
Copy !req
848. is gonna be my best man.
Thank you very much.
Copy !req
849. Everyone stay away
from my Uncle Herman. All right.
Copy !req
850. Okay, I— Like, I don't need you
finger-combing my wisps. I'm serious.
Copy !req
851. - You look pretty.
- Nicole?
Copy !req
852. I've been sent to get an ETA.
Copy !req
853. - Oh, is that Wallace?
- Yes.
Copy !req
854. Just come in.
Copy !req
855. Oh, wow, you look amazing.
Copy !req
856. Yes. Becky, seriously,
Copy !req
857. if I don't get some alcohol,
I'm gonna panic.
Copy !req
858. - Hey, I'll go.
- No, no, no, you stay.
Copy !req
859. Becky's more nervous than I am, and
frankly, it's wigging me out. Now, go.
Copy !req
860. You, stay, talk to me.
Copy !req
861. - So...
- So?
Copy !req
862. - So?
- What?
Copy !req
863. Why are you torturing yourself
Copy !req
864. over a ten-second conversation with
Chantry that would answer everything?
Copy !req
865. It's your wedding day.
Copy !req
866. - Can we talk about you?
- Exactly. It's my wedding day.
Copy !req
867. As best man,
it's your job to keep me calm
Copy !req
868. so that I don't crawl out that window
and go and bang a sailor.
Copy !req
869. - Where are you gonna find a sailor?
- At the dock.
Copy !req
870. God, what's the best-case scenario?
Copy !req
871. "Wallace, I love you. Let's have sex
forever until we die having sex"?
Copy !req
872. That is the best-case scenario.
Copy !req
873. Okay, and what's
the worst-case scenario?
Copy !req
874. "Wallace, you shit-drizzling liar.
Copy !req
875. This whole time, you've just been
trying to put your junk inside my trunk."
Copy !req
876. The phrase
"put your junk inside my trunk"
Copy !req
877. actually would be
the worst-case scenario.
Copy !req
878. Look, the one thing
I like about getting married
Copy !req
879. is that you get to stand up
in front of everyone you care about
Copy !req
880. and state, for the record, that you
believe in the best-case scenario.
Copy !req
881. It terrifies me,
Copy !req
882. but that's why the outfits
are so nice.
Copy !req
883. Okay.
Copy !req
884. - Thanks.
- Cheers.
Copy !req
885. I got her. She's mine. My wife.
Copy !req
886. Yeah. Mommy!
Copy !req
887. I can't believe no one stopped that.
Copy !req
888. Nice.
Copy !req
889. And I learned a lot of lessons that night
about gambling addictions
Copy !req
890. and identity theft
Copy !req
891. and the Romanian legal system,
Copy !req
892. but the most important lesson
I learned was from Nicole,
Copy !req
893. and it was about friendship.
Copy !req
894. I love you, Nicole.
Copy !req
895. Oh, so much fun.
Copy !req
896. Look at you.
You didn't even practice.
Copy !req
897. - Go, Wallace!
- Go, Wallace!
Copy !req
898. Thank you, thank you.
Copy !req
899. To those of us who begrudgingly
call Allan a friend,
Copy !req
900. it seems impossible that any woman
could handle him for an hour,
Copy !req
901. let alone a lifetime.
Copy !req
902. And then you meet Nicole,
Copy !req
903. and that is the good news here.
Copy !req
904. If these two can find each other,
Copy !req
905. then there truly
is somebody for everyone.
Copy !req
906. The bad news is that one day,
they will procreate,
Copy !req
907. and their hideous offspring
will obviously cause the Apocalypse.
Copy !req
908. But tonight,
we celebrate the good news.
Copy !req
909. I remember the night
Allan and Nicole met,
Copy !req
910. and that instant connection.
Copy !req
911. You know, if you're lucky,
Copy !req
912. it happens once in a lifetime,
Copy !req
913. and if you're unlucky,
then you have to come to weddings
Copy !req
914. and hear people like me
talking about it,
Copy !req
915. and assume that we are all
hopeless romantics.
Copy !req
916. It's very easy
to be cynical about love,
Copy !req
917. but this, tonight,
Copy !req
918. this is hard.
Copy !req
919. So to Allan and Nicole,
Copy !req
920. for making the hard way look easy.
Copy !req
921. - Cheers!
- To Allan and Nicole.
Copy !req
922. All right, thanks, everyone.
Copy !req
923. Yep. That's it.
Copy !req
924. Perfect timing.
Copy !req
925. Are you sure?
It's so near here for me.
Copy !req
926. Oh, yeah, no, I'm all about
the door-to-door service.
Copy !req
927. Okay.
Copy !req
928. - Can you let me out?
- Sure.
Copy !req
929. Oh, gosh. German cars.
Copy !req
930. Good night.
Copy !req
931. Wallace, you clean up nice.
Copy !req
932. Yes, so do you.
Copy !req
933. - Okay.
- Good night.
Copy !req
934. Bye.
Copy !req
935. - Bye.
- Bye.
Copy !req
936. Great. Thank you very much.
Copy !req
937. Listen,
Copy !req
938. I don't think it's a good idea for me
to come inside with you.
Copy !req
939. - What?
- Don't get all mad.
Copy !req
940. Because if you're gonna get mad,
I guess we could make out,
Copy !req
941. - but we are not having sex.
- No.
Copy !req
942. I'm not sure that's a good idea.
Copy !req
943. Why? Because I won't
have sex with you?
Copy !req
944. That's really nice, Wallace.
Copy !req
945. No, that's not what I meant.
Copy !req
946. I know, I'm just kidding.
Copy !req
947. Oh, right.
What part are you kidding about?
Copy !req
948. - All of it.
- I'm very confused by this conversation.
Copy !req
949. Fine, let's go inside.
Copy !req
950. - Dude, my sister. Sweet score.
- No, this isn't what it looks like.
Copy !req
951. Well, okay.
Yeah, it is, it is what it looks like.
Copy !req
952. She's super-hot. Plus, she's 99 percent
genetically identical to me, so...
Copy !req
953. Anyway, have fun
making out with my sister.
Copy !req
954. Actually, just FYI,
if you do go through with this,
Copy !req
955. you can be pretty much
absolutely positive
Copy !req
956. I will never, ever, ever, ever
have sex with you ever.
Copy !req
957. Ever!
Copy !req
958. I'm sorry.
Copy !req
959. Dalia, I— Look, I think—
I think you're great, but I can't do this.
Copy !req
960. "Great"?
You think I'm great? I don't—
Copy !req
961. I don't throw myself at guys,
like, ever.
Copy !req
962. I made an exception for you because
you were cute, and you think I'm great?
Copy !req
963. Great?
Copy !req
964. - Get the fuck out!
- Sorry.
Copy !req
965. God, get your...
Copy !req
966. - Get out faster!
- Okay, I'm going.
Copy !req
967. I can't believe I got
a Brazilian for this!
Copy !req
968. Goodbye!
Copy !req
969. Jesus.
Copy !req
970. - Hello?
- Ben. Hi.
Copy !req
971. - Hi. Are you okay?
- Hi.
Copy !req
972. It's the middle of the night there.
Copy !req
973. I'm really good.
Copy !req
974. I'm really just a little bit drunk.
Copy !req
975. - Okay, but—
- And I'm wearing
Copy !req
976. such a fancy, fancy dress.
Copy !req
977. - I see.
- Hang on a second.
Copy !req
978. - But—
- Hang on a second.
Copy !req
979. Listen very closely, okay?
Copy !req
980. - Okay.
- Really closely.
Copy !req
981. But...
Copy !req
982. - Do you hear that?
- I can, but—
Copy !req
983. That's the sound of me unzipping
my very, very fancy dress
Copy !req
984. - Well, that's good news.
- that I happen to be wearing
Copy !req
985. really cute panties under.
Copy !req
986. - You are?
- And also, like, a bra
Copy !req
987. that totally, totally matches.
Copy !req
988. - Chantry...
- Can you picture me in them?
Copy !req
989. Hey, can you picture me
out of them?
Copy !req
990. I— I— I definitely can.
Copy !req
991. The thing is, I'm just in the middle
of the Brazilian presentation now.
Copy !req
992. That's not to say
I don't fully support the concept.
Copy !req
993. It sounds very interesting.
Copy !req
994. And I would love to continue
discussing it at a later time.
Copy !req
995. Okay, I'll confirm. Bye.
Copy !req
996. Sir. Please, carry on.
Copy !req
997. - It's good?
- Oh, yeah.
Copy !req
998. You never asked me what happened
with Wallace the other night.
Copy !req
999. I'm respecting your privacy.
Copy !req
1000. He's a big, stupid, fat jerk.
Copy !req
1001. I hate him.
Copy !req
1002. Okay.
Copy !req
1003. He propositioned me.
Copy !req
1004. He said, like, dirty, disgusting
things he wanted to do to me.
Copy !req
1005. Me, your little sister.
Copy !req
1006. That's so terrible.
Copy !req
1007. I know, and so I told him,
"I'm not that kind of girl,"
Copy !req
1008. and he just, like, flew into a rage,
Copy !req
1009. and he attacked me and tried to break
all my fingers and poke my eyeballs out.
Copy !req
1010. So the cops had to come
and pull him off me.
Copy !req
1011. - The cops came?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1012. And then he just shot them all
in the face, and they all died.
Copy !req
1013. And some of them had kids
and they'll never know their father.
Copy !req
1014. He didn't even care.
He was just, like, laughing
Copy !req
1015. and shooting them all,
and he had a huge chubby.
Copy !req
1016. And then he said he was gonna
come to your house and kill you
Copy !req
1017. while you were sleeping.
Copy !req
1018. Yeah, that sounds
exactly like Wallace.
Copy !req
1019. Have you talked to him lately?
Copy !req
1020. No.
Copy !req
1021. So he didn't say anything about me
Copy !req
1022. completely humiliating myself
in front of him?
Copy !req
1023. No.
Copy !req
1024. He's a big, stupid, ugly jerk,
Copy !req
1025. and you shouldn't
be friends with him anymore.
Copy !req
1026. Okay.
Copy !req
1027. Look how pregnant
I can make myself look.
Copy !req
1028. You want to feel my baby?
Copy !req
1029. It's so hard.
Copy !req
1030. - Oh, my God, it kicked.
- Shut up.
Copy !req
1031. I'm gonna make you raise it.
Copy !req
1032. I'm firing Josh.
Copy !req
1033. The Taiwan team hates him,
nobody listens to him.
Copy !req
1034. On the plus side, I hear
he's banging enough Taiwanese girls
Copy !req
1035. to qualify for
the douche bag Olympics.
Copy !req
1036. So there's a silver lining.
Copy !req
1037. That's unfortunate.
Copy !req
1038. I need someone full-time in Taiwan
to clean up Josh's mess.
Copy !req
1039. I want it to be you.
Copy !req
1040. I mean, this whole thing
is your concept.
Copy !req
1041. If we had had you as project manager
from the start,
Copy !req
1042. - we'd have saved a lot of time.
- Honestly, I just—
Copy !req
1043. I don't even know if I would enjoy
being the project manager, so...
Copy !req
1044. You get an apartment, car,
language lessons.
Copy !req
1045. - Yeah.
- Obviously a raise.
Copy !req
1046. I need your answer
by the end of the month.
Copy !req
1047. And to be clear, this is the last time
I offer you a promotion.
Copy !req
1048. Okay. I got it.
Copy !req
1049. Holly,
Copy !req
1050. I'm gonna think about it, I promise.
Copy !req
1051. So I was reading this thing
about how,
Copy !req
1052. when they were trying
to name Cool Whip,
Copy !req
1053. they came up with 10,000 ideas.
Copy !req
1054. Like, they brainstormed
10,000 ideas.
Copy !req
1055. And none of them
were as good as Cool Whip?
Copy !req
1056. No, Cool Whip was the best.
That's what they said.
Copy !req
1057. And they said, "Just try to, like,
think of, like, ten of your own,
Copy !req
1058. just to see, like, how hard it is."
Copy !req
1059. - Cool Puff.
- Puffy Whip.
Copy !req
1060. - Creamy Dream.
- Zit Topping.
Copy !req
1061. - Angel Puff.
- Angel Gas.
Copy !req
1062. Bruce Springscream
and the E-Foam Band.
Copy !req
1063. - Puffin' Lovin'.
- Dump That Puff on My Face.
Copy !req
1064. Whip-Master Cool
and the Puff Brigade.
Copy !req
1065. Stuff Me with Puff.
Copy !req
1066. Sir Puff-A-Lot's Whipped Foam.
Copy !req
1067. Non-Hodgkin's Cream-Foam-A.
Copy !req
1068. - Shove This Shit on Food.
- Whip— Whippy— Whippy Pippitins.
Copy !req
1069. - So how many is that?
- I don't know.
Copy !req
1070. - Yeah, it's not that hard.
- No.
Copy !req
1071. - No.
- Let's go swimming.
Copy !req
1072. - I didn't bring my suit, did you?
- No.
Copy !req
1073. - We should take our clothes off?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1074. - Are you gonna come get me?
- Yeah!
Copy !req
1075. Are you gonna come get me?
Copy !req
1076. You're hitting me.
Copy !req
1077. It's warm. It's very warm.
Copy !req
1078. It's cold. It's cold. It's cold.
Copy !req
1079. It's cold!
Copy !req
1080. Allan!
Copy !req
1081. Don't.
Copy !req
1082. Do you want to go swimming?
Copy !req
1083. Yeah.
Copy !req
1084. Do you think it'll be cold?
Copy !req
1085. Yep.
Copy !req
1086. You've got a tattoo.
Copy !req
1087. Yeah.
Copy !req
1088. - Yeah, it's—
- I know, it's...
Copy !req
1089. It's your mom, right?
Copy !req
1090. - Oh, God.
- What?
Copy !req
1091. Something just—
Something just touched my foot.
Copy !req
1092. - Okay.
- No, it was really gross.
Copy !req
1093. - Okay.
- It's not funny.
Copy !req
1094. That was funny.
Copy !req
1095. Oh, yeah.
Copy !req
1096. Wallace?
Copy !req
1097. Yes?
Copy !req
1098. I'll look if you look.
Copy !req
1099. Okay.
Copy !req
1100. Where are our clothes?
Copy !req
1101. - Did we drift further down?
- No, the fire's right there.
Copy !req
1102. Yeah, they took our clothes.
Copy !req
1103. Oh, God.
Copy !req
1104. The car is gone.
Copy !req
1105. God, how'd it get so cold?
It wasn't cold at all before.
Copy !req
1106. It was, like, a warm night.
Copy !req
1107. Okay, you keep the sleeping bag
and I will figure something out.
Copy !req
1108. No, I can't let you just, like,
spend the night on the sand,
Copy !req
1109. like, all cold and wet
and naked like a walrus.
Copy !req
1110. Do you think that's funny?
Copy !req
1111. Do you think this is, like,
some hilarious prank
Copy !req
1112. played on us by our wacky pals?
Because I don't.
Copy !req
1113. I thought you were trying
to lighten the mood
Copy !req
1114. with a mildly amusing joke
involving a walrus.
Copy !req
1115. I'm sorry if I misunderstood the
seriousness of your walrus reference.
Copy !req
1116. Don't be an asshole.
Copy !req
1117. - I'm not being an asshole.
- You are. You are being an asshole.
Copy !req
1118. You're not taking this seriously, and
you're treating it like a joke, and it's not.
Copy !req
1119. There is a line, a line that should not
be crossed, and they crossed it.
Copy !req
1120. And you know what? Treating it
like a joke is being an asshole.
Copy !req
1121. I'm not treating this like a joke,
I'm not being an asshole.
Copy !req
1122. Allan is being an asshole,
Nicole is being an asshole,
Copy !req
1123. and right now,
you are being an asshole.
Copy !req
1124. Me?
I'm standing here with a branch.
Copy !req
1125. A branch that cuts down 0 percent
of the wind-chill factor on my dick.
Copy !req
1126. I've got a branch,
you've got a sleeping bag.
Copy !req
1127. How does that
make me an asshole?
Copy !req
1128. - Fine.
- Fine? What does "fine" mean?
Copy !req
1129. Fine. It means we'll share.
Copy !req
1130. - Chantry?
- What?
Copy !req
1131. They brought our clothes back.
Copy !req
1132. I'll never doubt you again.
Copy !req
1133. Hey, you guys have fun last night?
Copy !req
1134. Hey.
Copy !req
1135. - Sleep well?
- You're an asshole.
Copy !req
1136. Ben.
Copy !req
1137. Chantry?
Copy !req
1138. Julianne is part of
the Argentinean team.
Copy !req
1139. She lives in the apartment next door.
Copy !req
1140. A bunch of us went for a drink after
work, I was helping her home.
Copy !req
1141. - Ben, I'm not accusing you of anything.
- You need not worry about his fidelity.
Copy !req
1142. I'm not some beautiful
but morally corrupt Argentine girl.
Copy !req
1143. Why didn't you tell me
you were coming?
Copy !req
1144. Because I wanted to surprise you.
Copy !req
1145. Surprise.
Copy !req
1146. Okay, I need to go
to my apartment now,
Copy !req
1147. and stuff old socks in my ears
Copy !req
1148. so I don't hear your lovemaking
through the wall.
Copy !req
1149. And I'm keeping this meat.
Copy !req
1150. Good night. Sorry, you startled me.
Copy !req
1151. This isn't how I planned
to welcome you to Dublin.
Copy !req
1152. Are you still startled?
Copy !req
1153. Should I get you some warm milk?
Copy !req
1154. Welcome to Dublin.
Copy !req
1155. So I was reading this thing about
Copy !req
1156. how when they were trying to come up
with the name for Cool Whip,
Copy !req
1157. - they brainstormed 10,000 ideas—
- What is Cool Whip?
Copy !req
1158. It's a kind of processed cream.
Comes in a spray can.
Copy !req
1159. Or in a tub.
Copy !req
1160. I've had the Cool Whip.
Copy !req
1161. I prefer the fresh whipped cream.
Copy !req
1162. Well, when they were trying to come
up with the name for that product,
Copy !req
1163. they brainstormed 10,000 ideas,
Copy !req
1164. and they said, "Try to come up with ten
of your own just to see how hard it is."
Copy !req
1165. Like Puffy Whip,
or Whip— Wiffy Puff.
Copy !req
1166. Puffy Air. Whippy Air.
Copy !req
1167. Cow Mixture?
Copy !req
1168. - Sweet Dreams?
- Sweet Dreams.
Copy !req
1169. Cotton Vul-candy-cow?
Copy !req
1170. That could be one.
Copy !req
1171. Cloudy Cow?
Copy !req
1172. So you must be
really proud of our Benji.
Copy !req
1173. - Yeah.
- He has the Brazilians on the run.
Copy !req
1174. You know he has
the whole negotiation in his hands?
Copy !req
1175. We're so happy that he's able
to stay another six months.
Copy !req
1176. And his Portuguese
is really coming on.
Copy !req
1177. He's going to be so good
by the time we get to Rio de Janeiro...
Copy !req
1178. I haven't accepted the offer yet.
Copy !req
1179. Obviously, I was planning
on talking to you about it first,
Copy !req
1180. but I mean, I love it here.
Copy !req
1181. Not just the work.
The people, the culture, the music.
Copy !req
1182. You never asked me
to move here with you.
Copy !req
1183. When you got the job,
you never asked me to come.
Copy !req
1184. I didn't want to ask you to quit a job.
Copy !req
1185. - And I mean, you never offered.
- You never asked.
Copy !req
1186. Well, okay, I'm asking you now.
Copy !req
1187. I mean, there must be
animation companies here.
Copy !req
1188. I couldn't do that to Holly.
She's been generous
Copy !req
1189. giving me this week
to make my decision.
Copy !req
1190. Okay, so take the job.
It doesn't have to be a bad thing.
Copy !req
1191. You'd be in Taipei, I'd be here.
Copy !req
1192. We can meet in the middle.
Copy !req
1193. Like in Toronto?
Copy !req
1194. No, like Tel Aviv,
Istanbul, Mumbai...
Copy !req
1195. It'll be a story we can tell our kids.
Copy !req
1196. - It's romantic.
- Sounds lonely.
Copy !req
1197. Look, I'm just trying
to make this work, okay?
Copy !req
1198. Don't you wanna make this work?
Copy !req
1199. Did you guys want to borrow
some of my balls?
Copy !req
1200. I think someone sharted
and it might be Mrs. Cole.
Copy !req
1201. Everyone, check.
Check. Shart check.
Copy !req
1202. You can look it up
on Urban Dictionary.
Copy !req
1203. Fail. You couldn't find that stone
if it was in your kidney.
Copy !req
1204. I can see your back acne
through your blouse.
Copy !req
1205. Look at you just drunkenly
spewing out joy like a shit Santa.
Copy !req
1206. - Yep.
- That's you now, yeah?
Copy !req
1207. Nicole's spending the night
at Becky's.
Copy !req
1208. We had a fight.
Copy !req
1209. First fight as a married couple.
Copy !req
1210. You want a beer?
Copy !req
1211. Sure.
Copy !req
1212. So...
Copy !req
1213. I'm sorry, okay?
Copy !req
1214. I let Nicole talk me into it,
even though I knew it was a bad idea.
Copy !req
1215. I'm not like you.
Copy !req
1216. I can't hook up with somebody
if they're already with someone else.
Copy !req
1217. It's wrong. It was wrong
when my parents did it to each other,
Copy !req
1218. it was wrong
when Megan did it to me.
Copy !req
1219. It was wrong when you and Nicole
did it to her ex.
Copy !req
1220. You don't think the fact
that we got married kind of justifies it?
Copy !req
1221. Not unless you want to be married to
someone who doesn't mind cheating.
Copy !req
1222. Hey, that's my wife, okay?
Copy !req
1223. Nicole talks a good game, but she's
been hurt like everybody else.
Copy !req
1224. Her ex was a dick.
Copy !req
1225. He treated her real bad.
Copy !req
1226. It's complicated.
Copy !req
1227. All this love shit's complicated.
And that's good.
Copy !req
1228. Because if it's too simple,
you've got no reason to try.
Copy !req
1229. And if you got no reason to try,
you don't.
Copy !req
1230. Wait, I just described you.
Copy !req
1231. You know what? Maybe you're right.
Copy !req
1232. But either way,
you're an asshole, Allan.
Copy !req
1233. Hit a three-pointer.
Copy !req
1234. - Hi.
- Hi.
Copy !req
1235. Come in or whatever.
Copy !req
1236. I just jogged over here
to feed the cat.
Copy !req
1237. If I don't shower right away
my pores get all clogged
Copy !req
1238. and I get this, like,
zit nest on my forehead.
Copy !req
1239. So why are you feeding the cat?
Copy !req
1240. So it doesn't starve to death.
Copy !req
1241. - But why can't Chantry feed it?
- Because she flew to Dublin.
Copy !req
1242. She flew to Dublin?
Copy !req
1243. Yes, of course she did.
Copy !req
1244. You like her.
Copy !req
1245. You like Chantry.
Copy !req
1246. Get in the shower.
I can see your blackheads here.
Copy !req
1247. No, don't get all snooty with me
just because you're so busted.
Copy !req
1248. Look, I'm not in love with your sister.
Copy !req
1249. You are a nice-ish guy,
Copy !req
1250. and you're amusing,
but Chantry loves Ben.
Copy !req
1251. They're gonna get married
and live happily ever after.
Copy !req
1252. You're just gonna be this guy that she
was friends with for a couple months.
Copy !req
1253. "What was his name...?
Walter? I don't know."
Copy !req
1254. So you just need to do whatever
you need to do to get over it, okay?
Copy !req
1255. Because it's never gonna happen.
Copy !req
1256. Welcome to Dublin
and thank you for flying with us.
Copy !req
1257. Okay.
Copy !req
1258. She's gone.
Copy !req
1259. Is she coming back?
Copy !req
1260. Hey, Wallace, it's Chantry.
I'm getting on a plane right now,
Copy !req
1261. and I'm wondering
if you're free for lunch tomorrow
Copy !req
1262. at, like, noon,
at the George Street Diner?
Copy !req
1263. There's something
I want to talk to you about.
Copy !req
1264. Shit! Shit! Shit!
Copy !req
1265. Taxi!
Copy !req
1266. George Street Diner.
Copy !req
1267. Shit.
Copy !req
1268. Excuse me.
Copy !req
1269. - Hi.
- Hey.
Copy !req
1270. Oh, my God,
what did you do to yourself?
Copy !req
1271. Oh, ninja attack.
Copy !req
1272. Those stupid ninjas.
Copy !req
1273. - I know.
- I hate them.
Copy !req
1274. Me too. Very annoying.
Copy !req
1275. Oh, thank you.
Copy !req
1276. I'm good.
Copy !req
1277. - How you doing?
- Hi.
Copy !req
1278. So I went to Dublin, right?
Copy !req
1279. - Right. Yes.
- Yes. Listen,
Copy !req
1280. there's a bunch of stuff
going on with me
Copy !req
1281. that I haven't told you about
because
Copy !req
1282. I haven't been sure
what the right thing to do is.
Copy !req
1283. Wallace, your face
just looks terrible.
Copy !req
1284. Oh, no, don't worry about it, really.
What were you gonna say?
Copy !req
1285. Okay, so— Just that—
Copy !req
1286. I've been having to do a lot of
big-picture thinking about...
Copy !req
1287. Wallace, seriously,
I cannot concentrate
Copy !req
1288. because of your mangled head.
Copy !req
1289. What did you do to yourself?
Copy !req
1290. Did you hit yourself with something?
Copy !req
1291. Car accident?
Copy !req
1292. Did you walk into a door...?
Copy !req
1293. Ben punched me.
Copy !req
1294. I flew to Dublin.
Copy !req
1295. Why did you fly to Dublin?
Copy !req
1296. To tell you how I feel about you.
Copy !req
1297. - That's not why.
- Well, I wanted to be honest with you.
Copy !req
1298. You could have been
honest with me any time.
Copy !req
1299. You flew to Dublin
to break up me and Ben.
Copy !req
1300. Right?
Copy !req
1301. How long have you felt this way?
Copy !req
1302. Pretty much since the day we met.
Copy !req
1303. So when I said "I have a boyfriend
and I just want to be friends"
Copy !req
1304. and you said that's what
you wanted too, that was a lie?
Copy !req
1305. No. No. I wanted that to be true.
Copy !req
1306. But it wasn't.
You never wanted to be my friend.
Copy !req
1307. We are friends. I haven't just been
trying to put my junk inside your trunk.
Copy !req
1308. I told Ben you weren't that kind of guy,
but you're totally that kind of guy.
Copy !req
1309. God, he must think I'm such an idiot.
You must think I'm such an idiot.
Copy !req
1310. - Of course not.
- I trusted you.
Copy !req
1311. I trusted we were
what we said we were: friends.
Copy !req
1312. But you can't be friends
if you're skulking around
Copy !req
1313. waiting for some opportunity
to screw them.
Copy !req
1314. No. Look,
what are you talking about?
Copy !req
1315. I'm not—
It's not like you've caught me
Copy !req
1316. bathing in orphan blood
or masturbating in your kitchen.
Copy !req
1317. I just...
Copy !req
1318. I like you a little bit more romantically
than I let on.
Copy !req
1319. It's not a crime.
Copy !req
1320. And if it is,
you're not exactly innocent.
Copy !req
1321. What's that supposed to mean?
Copy !req
1322. You crossed all the same lines I did,
and I was single. You weren't.
Copy !req
1323. I've never cheated on anybody.
Copy !req
1324. And now you're making me feel like
I somehow cheated on Ben?
Copy !req
1325. Wait. Hold on.
Copy !req
1326. I'm making you feel like that?
Copy !req
1327. What, and you did nothing
that I might possibly misconstrue?
Copy !req
1328. That night on the beach?
"I'll look if you look"?
Copy !req
1329. I mean...
Copy !req
1330. What, did you tell Ben about that?
Copy !req
1331. That was a mistake.
Copy !req
1332. This was a mistake.
Copy !req
1333. - I'm leaving.
- Please.
Copy !req
1334. - No, Chantry, please—
- No, I'm leaving the country.
Copy !req
1335. - You're moving to Dublin?
- No.
Copy !req
1336. I've been offered a job in Taiwan.
Copy !req
1337. I'm putting my career first.
Copy !req
1338. So I'll be gone soon, for a year.
Copy !req
1339. Maybe more.
Copy !req
1340. It's a really big promotion.
Copy !req
1341. Congratulations.
Copy !req
1342. See you around, Wallace.
Copy !req
1343. - Uncle Wallace?
- Not right now, Felix.
Copy !req
1344. - Can I talk to you?
- Felix, I said not right now.
Copy !req
1345. I'm having a bad life.
Copy !req
1346. What are you doing
that's so important
Copy !req
1347. that you don't have time
for your nephew?
Copy !req
1348. I'm not the kid's dad, all right?
Copy !req
1349. - He's your responsibility, not mine.
- Fine.
Copy !req
1350. I'm a bad mom.
Copy !req
1351. And when Felix grows up,
Copy !req
1352. he can blame me
for all his problems
Copy !req
1353. and the circle of life can continue.
Copy !req
1354. I'm doing the best I can.
Copy !req
1355. Which is all any of us can do,
except you.
Copy !req
1356. You are not doing
the best you can do. You—
Copy !req
1357. What's wrong? What's wrong?
Are you choking?
Copy !req
1358. Okay, I'm gonna try
and Heimlich you.
Copy !req
1359. Okay. Again.
Copy !req
1360. Big one.
Copy !req
1361. Oh, God.
Copy !req
1362. Ellie, you know
you're not a bad mom, right?
Copy !req
1363. It wasn't my plan that you should be
my son's primary male role model.
Copy !req
1364. But you are.
Copy !req
1365. Mine.
Copy !req
1366. Gross.
Copy !req
1367. This expired months ago.
Copy !req
1368. Yeah, it's probably Ben's.
Copy !req
1369. So that's it?
You're just gonna throw it away?
Copy !req
1370. Let me guess,
we're not talking about salsa.
Copy !req
1371. I just think you're making
a huge mistake.
Copy !req
1372. - You really think Taiwan's a mistake?
- Yes, I do.
Copy !req
1373. I think you're totally
screwing up your life, actually.
Copy !req
1374. Or not, maybe?
Copy !req
1375. I just don't have any idea
what I'm doing.
Copy !req
1376. I'm gonna be all the way over there,
and I'm not gonna have anybody.
Copy !req
1377. I'm gonna be all alone, and I'm gonna
have all these huge responsibilities,
Copy !req
1378. and then...
And you're gonna be so far away.
Copy !req
1379. And Ben and...
Copy !req
1380. And there's, you know...
Copy !req
1381. Wallace?
Copy !req
1382. Yeah.
Copy !req
1383. Yeah. Have you heard from him?
Copy !req
1384. No, but I think
I messed it up really bad.
Copy !req
1385. I called him a liar.
Copy !req
1386. And I think that I might be the liar.
Copy !req
1387. - No.
- Yes.
Copy !req
1388. I mean, I think it might count as lying
if you lie to yourself.
Copy !req
1389. No. Come here.
Copy !req
1390. Everything might have
turned out for the best.
Copy !req
1391. I'm...
I'm going back to med school.
Copy !req
1392. - I sent in my application today.
- So you just gave up?
Copy !req
1393. No. I'm not giving up. I'm going—
Copy !req
1394. I'm getting back to the life
I was supposed to have by now.
Copy !req
1395. When you're old and wrinkled
and your penis doesn't work anymore—
Copy !req
1396. Not that it's in great shape now.
Copy !req
1397. —but in that old, wrinkled, dickless
future, will this seem like the right call?
Copy !req
1398. Yes. I'll think dropping out of med
school because of a girl was stupid.
Copy !req
1399. Not chasing after a girl who doesn't
want me was definitely smart.
Copy !req
1400. I'm a doctor now.
Copy !req
1401. I've saved probably millions of lives,
because I'm brilliant.
Copy !req
1402. I cured the zombie epidemic.
You remember that?
Copy !req
1403. I found the cure,
so you can just all be grateful,
Copy !req
1404. shut up and stop
questioning my decisions.
Copy !req
1405. What?
Copy !req
1406. Well, it was supposed
to be a secret,
Copy !req
1407. but loose lips over here
knocked me up.
Copy !req
1408. Oh, shit. You got a baby in you.
Copy !req
1409. - Yeah, I know. I know.
- Congratulations!
Copy !req
1410. Oh, that means the Apocalypse
has really started.
Copy !req
1411. That's great.
Copy !req
1412. And you're the first person we told,
so you can't be mad at us anymore.
Copy !req
1413. You have to forgive pregnant people
for anything they've ever done to you.
Copy !req
1414. - It's like a federal law.
- Deal.
Copy !req
1415. I can't wait to meet this kid.
Copy !req
1416. Yeah.
Copy !req
1417. And we're having a going-away party
for Chantry,
Copy !req
1418. and you should come to it
to say goodbye.
Copy !req
1419. No.
Copy !req
1420. No, we already said our goodbyes.
Copy !req
1421. - Wallace?
- No.
Copy !req
1422. - It's nice.
- So slutty.
Copy !req
1423. - No, it's not.
- Yeah, it is.
Copy !req
1424. No, I think mine are normal
and yours are tiny.
Copy !req
1425. I don't want you to leave.
Copy !req
1426. - No.
- Me neither.
Copy !req
1427. I'm sorry I'm late.
Copy !req
1428. Bye. Skype me.
Copy !req
1429. Be careful. Take care of yourselves.
Copy !req
1430. - I'm never gonna Skype.
- Call me tomorrow.
Copy !req
1431. Bye.
Copy !req
1432. - Hey.
- Hey.
Copy !req
1433. - How are you?
- I'm great. How are you?
Copy !req
1434. - Good.
- Good.
Copy !req
1435. So your new job
is going to be amazing.
Copy !req
1436. And you get to live in Asia.
Copy !req
1437. - Yeah.
- I hear Taiwan is incredible.
Copy !req
1438. Yeah, and you're gonna
go back to med school.
Copy !req
1439. Yeah. Yes.
Copy !req
1440. That is so great.
Copy !req
1441. You think so?
Copy !req
1442. No. Actually,
I've always hated doctors,
Copy !req
1443. so I pretty much think
you've become the Antichrist.
Copy !req
1444. Right. And Taiwan is shit.
Copy !req
1445. That was— Everything I said
a second ago was a lie.
Copy !req
1446. And you're gonna have
an awful time because
Copy !req
1447. Chantry means "syphilitic woman."
Copy !req
1448. Well, at least it will be accurate.
Copy !req
1449. - Yeah, right. Exactly.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1450. So how long until you see people
just as, like,
Copy !req
1451. slabs of meat that you can cut up
and sew back together,
Copy !req
1452. and not, like, actual people
with, like, real feelings?
Copy !req
1453. Oh, God,
hopefully as soon as possible.
Copy !req
1454. I mean, I've been practicing at night
Copy !req
1455. on tiny, defenseless animals
and homeless people.
Copy !req
1456. Oh, good. That's actually what
homeless people are there for.
Copy !req
1457. - Yes, I know.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1458. - They're all just bodies in waiting.
- Especially for a sociopath.
Copy !req
1459. Especially for— Yeah, that—
But that's been my goal,
Copy !req
1460. as you know: just to feel nothing.
Copy !req
1461. Yeah, it wouldn't be
such a bad idea sometimes.
Copy !req
1462. - So Dublin—
- It's okay.
Copy !req
1463. No, it's not. I'm really sorry.
Copy !req
1464. It was stupid, and I know Ben is
a good guy and he didn't deserve that.
Copy !req
1465. - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1466. So are you two okay?
Copy !req
1467. I'm not sure.
Copy !req
1468. About anything.
Copy !req
1469. So I got really creative
when I was cleaning out my fridge.
Copy !req
1470. - Did you?
- And...
Copy !req
1471. I...
Copy !req
1472. I made you that.
Copy !req
1473. It's— It's Fool's Gold.
Copy !req
1474. I even coated the loaf in butter
as you are supposed to.
Copy !req
1475. That's the real thing.
Copy !req
1476. I can't believe you did this.
Copy !req
1477. This is your going-away present.
Copy !req
1478. I don't know what to say.
Copy !req
1479. So I've thought a lot
about something you said.
Copy !req
1480. About how,
when you realize how quickly
Copy !req
1481. everything can fall apart,
Copy !req
1482. it makes you never want to give up
anything good ever again.
Copy !req
1483. Whatever this is between us,
Copy !req
1484. it is good.
Copy !req
1485. It is so good.
Copy !req
1486. It is actually the best thing
that has ever happened to me,
Copy !req
1487. and I don't want it to be over.
Copy !req
1488. I don't want it to be over, either.
Copy !req
1489. I kind of wish, you know, like,
Copy !req
1490. we could invent
a time machine or something.
Copy !req
1491. - If we ever invent time travel,
- Yeah?
Copy !req
1492. I would go back to the night we met.
Copy !req
1493. - You would?
- Yes.
Copy !req
1494. What would you do differently?
Copy !req
1495. Nothing.
Copy !req
1496. Me too.
Copy !req
1497. Hey, Walter.
Copy !req
1498. - Wallace.
- Oh, sorry.
Copy !req
1499. It's just so weird seeing you here.
Copy !req
1500. Yeah, really weird.
Copy !req
1501. - Where have you just come in from?
- Taiwan.
Copy !req
1502. You've been in Taiwan
this whole time?
Copy !req
1503. Yeah, I was, and then I was doing
some traveling with my fiancé.
Copy !req
1504. You got engaged?
Copy !req
1505. Yeah.
Copy !req
1506. Yeah, no, me too.
Copy !req
1507. I don't know why I did that.
I have nothing on this hand.
Copy !req
1508. So who is the incredibly lucky guy?
Copy !req
1509. He's just this dude who stalked me
all the way to Taiwan.
Copy !req
1510. That's a coincidence. I followed
my fiancée to Taiwan as well,
Copy !req
1511. but I made out with her sister first.
I'm a badass.
Copy !req
1512. Come here.
Copy !req
1513. Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Copy !req
1514. I'm so happy you're home!
Copy !req
1515. She loved it.
Copy !req
1516. She loved it.
Copy !req
1517. Three!
Copy !req
1518. Oh, please,
he's not even a real doctor.
Copy !req
1519. He's a real doctor.
He finished his degree.
Copy !req
1520. - Allan, in Asia. We're not Asian.
- It's legitimate medical training.
Copy !req
1521. - Wine, please.
- Here, ask him.
Copy !req
1522. After you have a baby,
if you eat the placenta,
Copy !req
1523. does it count as cannibalism?
Copy !req
1524. You know it's not
a medical question, right?
Copy !req
1525. If a baby's hand is bigger
than its face, will it have cancer?
Copy !req
1526. No, it just means your baby
has massive hands.
Copy !req
1527. - What's going on here?
- Oh, Jesus.
Copy !req
1528. Oh, it smells bad. Wait, can you write
us a prescription or not? Oh, God.
Copy !req
1529. There goes my husband.
Copy !req
1530. I can't believe you have a husband.
Copy !req
1531. - It's crazy.
- You're weirding me out.
Copy !req
1532. - Hey.
- So...
Copy !req
1533. Careful. Give me your hand.
Copy !req
1534. You're basically up here alone,
like a total loser.
Copy !req
1535. Yeah, but who's the bigger loser?
Me for escaping up here,
Copy !req
1536. - or you for agreeing to marry me?
- No, that's me.
Copy !req
1537. If I fell, do you think I'd die,
or just become massively paralyzed?
Copy !req
1538. Probably just paralyzed.
Copy !req
1539. You'd be so screwed. Because
you'd have to stay married to me.
Copy !req
1540. If you didn't, people would be like:
Copy !req
1541. "He divorced his wife
immediately after
Copy !req
1542. she became paralyzed
from the waist down."
Copy !req
1543. - From the waist down?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1544. So everything would still work
down there, though, right?
Copy !req
1545. Yeah. I mean, I wouldn't be able
to feel anything, but...
Copy !req
1546. I really don't even need you
to feel anything now.
Copy !req
1547. I don't want the sex
to be too good right away.
Copy !req
1548. I'm intentionally being much worse
in bed than I actually am
Copy !req
1549. so that it can just
keep getting better forever.
Copy !req
1550. But, like, very slowly,
over many, many decades
Copy !req
1551. so that we hit our sexual peak
in our 90s.
Copy !req
1552. Yeah. That's the plan, actually,
Copy !req
1553. is if the last time we have sex is also
the best and that it actually kills you.
Copy !req
1554. That wouldn't be
such a bad way to go.
Copy !req
1555. - We should head back soon, right?
- Yes.
Copy !req
1556. Or we could stay here
for another minute.
Copy !req
1557. Or maybe, like, forever.
Copy !req