1. Guys, we gotta
get outta here.Copy !req
2. You guys aren't
supposed to be
out of your bunks.Copy !req
3. You're in trouble.Copy !req
4. Wake up!Copy !req
5. Standing in the rain,
with his head hung lowCopy !req
6. Couldn't get a ticket
It was a sold-out showCopy !req
7. Heard the roar of the crowd
He could picture the sceneCopy !req
8. Put his head to the wall,
and like a distant screamCopy !req
9. I'm up!Copy !req
10. He heard one guitarCopy !req
11. It just blew him awayCopy !req
12. You guys!Copy !req
13. Let's go, girls!
You look hot.Copy !req
14. Okay, the Bunk Five boys
are gonna freak outCopy !req
15. when they see you
at kick ball. Let's go.Copy !req
16. Ow!Copy !req
17. All right, let's go.Copy !req
18. Good morning, everybody.Copy !req
19. Well, it's the
last day of camp.Copy !req
20. And it will be sad
to shut down WCFW
for the summer.Copy !req
21. But not to worry,
because those of you in the
Bethesda-Chevy Chase areaCopy !req
22. can hear me all winter long
on Jewish Day School Radio,Copy !req
23. 89. 9 FM, The Fox.Copy !req
24. For those select few of you
who went all summer,Copy !req
25. all eight weeks
without finding
that special someone,Copy !req
26. today is your day,
because you don't
wanna go back homeCopy !req
27. and lie to your friends
about a summer romance
that didn't even happen.Copy !req
28. And you don't want
to be the one personCopy !req
29. who doesn't have
anyone to kiss tonight
after the talent show.Copy !req
30. So seize the day,
Camp Firewood,
because it's your last.Copy !req
31. Coop, do you like
watching me and Andy
make out?Copy !req
32. No. What a weird
thing to say.Copy !req
33. God. Coop, you know,
you look so sexy
in this sweatshirt.Copy !req
34. Uh-huh.Copy !req
35. Your ass is so hot.
Stop it.Copy !req
36. Do you want
to be my boyfriend?
No.Copy !req
37. I get it.
It's very funny. Stop.Copy !req
38. Oh, Coop, you know
I'm just kidding.Copy !req
39. Come on.
I know, and it's
very, very funny.Copy !req
40. Okay, I'm sorry.Copy !req
41. Want me to make
it up to you?Copy !req
42. No, you've done
enough already.Copy !req
43. Coop, I'm gonna
find you a woman today.Copy !req
44. Honestly,
don't worry about it.Copy !req
45. No. And I'm not gonna
rest until my mission
is accomplished, okay?Copy !req
46. Okay. Well, then I guess
I'll cancel that orderCopy !req
47. of onions
and Limburger cheese
I made for lunch today.Copy !req
48. Ha ha!Copy !req
49. Yeah.Copy !req
50. I want you inside me.Copy !req
51. What?
Hmm?Copy !req
52. Oh, hey, what's up?
I was just...Copy !req
53. From before.Copy !req
54. Coop, were you
just talking to Katie?
What was that?Copy !req
55. That was, bar none,Copy !req
56. the longest conversation
I've ever had with her
in six years of camp.Copy !req
57. Does she want to fuck me?
Is that what she was
asking you about?Copy !req
58. Because, tell her
that I will. In fact...Copy !req
59. No, don't tell her
that I will.
Tell her that I might.Copy !req
60. Victor, I hate to break it
to you, but your name
didn't even come up.Copy !req
61. Oh, she definitely
wants to fuck me.Copy !req
62. I mean, why else
would she be
talking to you?Copy !req
63. No offense.Copy !req
64. None taken.Copy !req
65. Hello. Hi.Copy !req
66. Hello. Uh, hi.
Hi, I'm Beth.Copy !req
67. Oh! Nice to meet you.
I'm Henry.Copy !req
68. Yeah, I've been
seeing you around,Copy !req
69. so I thought
I'd take a chanceCopy !req
70. and "introduce" myself.Copy !req
71. Thank you.
So...Copy !req
72. So you work at the camp?Copy !req
73. Yeah, I'm the camp director.
How about yourself?Copy !req
74. Me? No. I don't
work over there.Copy !req
75. No, I know.
I'm the director.Copy !req
76. I would know If you were.Copy !req
77. Oh! Right.
You would know that.Copy !req
78. I teach astrophysics
over at the college
in the school year,Copy !req
79. and I came here
this summer just to,Copy !req
80. you know,
relax and reflect.Copy !req
81. Wow! You're a professor.
So, what do you teach?Copy !req
82. Well, you know,
like I said before,
astrophysics.Copy !req
83. I study space, stars, comets
and that kind of thing.Copy !req
84. "The final frontier."Copy !req
85. Right. Thanks for everything.Copy !req
86. Hey! You know what?
You know what would
be a great ideaCopy !req
87. if you came by the camp
and taught the campers
about space.Copy !req
88. No, I couldn't.Copy !req
89. Oh, they'd love it.Copy !req
90. No, I couldn't possibly.Copy !req
91. It would be just...Copy !req
92. I said no!Copy !req
93. Sorry. That was...Copy !req
94. Oh, Coop.
Look at Abby.Copy !req
95. Oh, she wants to fuck me.
So help me, God,Copy !req
96. she wants to fuck me.Copy !req
97. And this time, Victor,
I'm sure it's true.Copy !req
98. I have to admit,
Abby Bernstein is one
of the only berry bushesCopy !req
99. that I have
yet to pollinate,
if you get my meaning.Copy !req
100. Yeah, you mean she's the
only girl at camp you
haven't done it with yet?Copy !req
101. That's exactly
what I mean.Copy !req
102. Hey, Gene.
Any mashed potatoes?Copy !req
103. Gary! Bring out
the taters!Copy !req
104. Here they are.
Hey, Gary.Copy !req
105. Hey, dude,
what's up?Copy !req
106. Hey, guys.Copy !req
107. What'd you say, shithead?Copy !req
108. I said, "Hey, guys."Copy !req
109. What's your glitch, Gene?Copy !req
110. Listen to me, you fucked-up
little cigarette-smoking
piece of shit.Copy !req
111. I was in the Vietnam War.Copy !req
112. I know.
Oh, yeah.Copy !req
113. The 'Nam.Copy !req
114. Excuse me, ladies.
You may remember meCopy !req
115. as the guy who came
to dinner a few weeks ago
with underwear on my head.Copy !req
116. My name is Keith Stack.Copy !req
117. From Millburn, New Jersey.
State bird, the mosquito.Copy !req
118. And as you may have heard,
I am recentlyCopy !req
119. a crowned class B
Dungeon Master.Copy !req
120. So if any of you
would like to play
D&D today,Copy !req
121. please speak now
or forever hold your peace.Copy !req
122. Anyone?Copy !req
123. Alexa, maybe you'd
like to join in?Copy !req
124. We do need a druid,
and you have
definitely castCopy !req
125. a level 5 charm spell on me.Copy !req
126. In your dreams,
douche bag.Copy !req
127. Douche bags are
hygienic products.
I take that as a compliment.Copy !req
128. Thank you.Copy !req
129. Ew! Ew!Copy !req
130. Well, we made it to the end
of the summer in one piece,Copy !req
131. except for a few campers
who are lepers.Copy !req
132. Good one, Beth.Copy !req
133. Thank you, Gene.Copy !req
134. Excuse me.
Could you tell me where
I could find the, uh...Copy !req
135. How do I put this?
The, uh, sci-fi,Copy !req
136. nerdy...Copy !req
137. The indoor kids?Copy !req
138. Bunk Three.Copy !req
139. Oh, yeah. Thanks.Copy !req
140. Hey, guys.Copy !req
141. I'm Associate
Professor Newman.Copy !req
142. Who'd like to spend
the last day at camp
doing science projects?Copy !req
143. Okay, okay.
Okay, cool.Copy !req
144. I've seen more
fucked-up shit happen
in five minutes out thereCopy !req
145. than you'll see
in your whole fucking life.Copy !req
146. Yeah, well, Gene,
I'm really sorry, you know.Copy !req
147. If I could change history,
I would.Copy !req
148. Fuck you! Now, we need to
make eight gallons of
bug juice by snack hour.Copy !req
149. Do you know where
the powder packets are?
Yeah.Copy !req
150. In the pantry over the sink,
right next to my bottle
of dick cream!Copy !req
151. Wait.Copy !req
152. Ignore that last comment.Copy !req
153. Did you say dick cream?
No.Copy !req
154. I said "stick team."Copy !req
155. You know, stick team?
Stickball? Forget about it.
Go away! Leave me alone.Copy !req
156. I'm pretty sure he said
dick cream, but...Copy !req
157. Victor.Copy !req
158. I need you and Neil
to take the Eagles out
on Moose River today.Copy !req
159. I made them a promise.Copy !req
160. It's the last day
of camp, Beth.Copy !req
161. It's not gonna work for me.Copy !req
162. Oh, it's not gonna
work for you?
No.Copy !req
163. It's not gonna work for you.
Okay, how about this
as a compromise?Copy !req
164. The Eagles are going
to go out on Moose River,Copy !req
165. and you and Neil
are going to take them.Copy !req
166. What?
Hey, you guys!Copy !req
167. Everybody focus up, okay?
All eyes here.Copy !req
168. I would like to announce
that Ben and I are planning
to produce a musical numberCopy !req
169. from Godspell for
the talent show tonight.Copy !req
170. I'm sorry.
Ben is producing, I am
directing/choreographing.Copy !req
171. I'm only speaking
from personal experience,
but if you can't carry a tune,Copy !req
172. don't come into
the audition environment
and waste our time.Copy !req
173. For serious, okay?
Okay. And bring a lot
of movement clothes,Copy !req
174. aka jazz shoes,
dance belts, lycras, et al.Copy !req
175. And seriously,
FYI, you guys,Copy !req
176. this is not an excuse
to get out of your
regular activities.Copy !req
177. This is an excuse to do
some good musical theater.Copy !req
178. So be prepared,
be enthusiastic,Copy !req
179. and leave
your bullshit attitude
and baggage at the door,Copy !req
180. because we don't need it!Copy !req
181. Hey, you guys!
Everybody focus up!Copy !req
182. Oh, I was thinking maybe
we could take a walk later,Copy !req
183. maybe go out
to Gunner's Pass
one last time.Copy !req
184. God damn it, Katie!
You're suffocating me!Copy !req
185. I'm chokin', all right?
Give me some breathing room.Copy !req
186. I just want to spend
some time with you, you know.
It's our last day at camp.Copy !req
187. My butt itches.Copy !req
188. What are you
talking about?Copy !req
189. Hey, we're
soul mates, right?Copy !req
190. What? Yeah.Copy !req
191. Whatever, if you want.
J.J., save me a waffle, man.Copy !req
192. Andy, I'm serious.
Come on.Copy !req
193. I just want it
to be special.Copy !req
194. Fuck you, dyke!Copy !req
195. Why are you being
such an asshole?Copy !req
196. I gotta finish
my breakfast.Copy !req
197. I love you, baby.
So good talking to you.Copy !req
198. Yeah, well,
see you in macrame.Copy !req
199. One last, successful
B-K-F-S-TCopy !req
200. becomes one
for the record books.Copy !req
201. And with T minus 11 hours
to the big talent show,Copy !req
202. we sail on aboard
the good ship FirewoodCopy !req
203. toward a little oasis
that I like to call,Copy !req
204. "Morning activity time."Copy !req
205. What's going on
with Silas?Copy !req
206. You didn't hear?Copy !req
207. He got kicked
out of camp.
Why?Copy !req
208. He snuck into the office
last night and videotaped
himself jerking off.Copy !req
209. You're kidding!
Where's the tape?Copy !req
210. He hid it.Copy !req
211. Man, we gotta
get that tape.Copy !req
212. Oh, it's a subject matter
I'm sure you're
familiar with, McKinley.Copy !req
213. Shut up, J.J.
You shut up.Copy !req
214. You shut up.
You shut up.Copy !req
215. Ah!Copy !req
216. One, two, three, four.
One, two, three, four.Copy !req
217. And one, and one.
Other side. Other side.Copy !req
218. All right. Stop it!Copy !req
219. Okay, kids. Um, today
we're going to use someCopy !req
220. crayons to make
some decorations
for the talent show.Copy !req
221. Is that your
wedding ring, Gail?Copy !req
222. Um, no.Copy !req
223. I mean, yes, actually.
Yes, it is. It was.Copy !req
224. It was. It used to be,
I mean, legally.Copy !req
225. It's so twisted.
His lawyer won't even
call me now.Copy !req
226. Where are the crayons?Copy !req
227. The crayons are...Copy !req
228. The crayon is right there.Copy !req
229. We could draw
with the markers.Copy !req
230. Listen, Valerie,Copy !req
231. I need you to be
helpful here, okay?Copy !req
232. I do not need you
to undermine me, okay?Copy !req
233. But there's only
one crayon left,
and it's brown.Copy !req
234. There are literally hundreds
of colored markers.Copy !req
235. Hey.Copy !req
236. Going on your trip?Copy !req
237. Yep.Copy !req
238. Sucks dick we never
really got to know
each other, you know?Copy !req
239. Yeah.Copy !req
240. You got a stick
of gum, Victor?Copy !req
241. I thought
you'd never ask.Copy !req
242. Abby!
What?Copy !req
243. My trip...
It doesn't come back
until tomorrow.Copy !req
244. Don't go.Copy !req
245. I can't, because
Beth told me...Copy !req
246. Let's go!Copy !req
247. I'll be back tonight.Copy !req
248. Tonight.Copy !req
249. This is "The Beekeeper, "
here on Camp Firewood Radio.Copy !req
250. I've got my drones
working hard on
a breakfast time rock...Copy !req
251. Hey.Copy !req
252. Arty, I need you
to take a shower.Copy !req
253. Okay.Copy !req
254. 'Cause your parents are
coming tomorrow. I don't
want to get in trouble.Copy !req
255. Sure.
Because you haven't taken
a shower once yet this summer.Copy !req
256. Fine. No problem.Copy !req
257. Arty, take a shower.Copy !req
258. You're covered in dirt.Copy !req
259. Fine.Copy !req
260. This is Arty Solomon here,
alias, "The Beekeeper."Copy !req
261. You guys, I'm really
gonna miss this place.Copy !req
262. Me, too.Copy !req
263. Hey, let's all promise
that in 10 years from today,
we'll meet againCopy !req
264. and we'll see
what kind of people
we've blossomed into.Copy !req
265. Yeah!Copy !req
266. What time
you wanna meet?Copy !req
267. You mean
10 years from now?
Yeah.Copy !req
268. Let's meet in the morning
so we can make a day of it.Copy !req
269. Okay, so what is it?
Is it like 9:00 or 9:30?Copy !req
270. Let's say 9:00, that way
we can be here by 9:30.Copy !req
271. Why don't we say 9:30,Copy !req
272. and then make it
your beeswax
to be here at 9:30?Copy !req
273. We're all gonna be
in our late 20's by then.Copy !req
274. I just don't see
any reason why we can't
be places on time.Copy !req
275. Okay, then.
It's settled.
9:30 it is.Copy !req
276. All agreed?
Agreed.Copy !req
277. Great, because I have
something at 11:00.Copy !req
278. You've just got
a Trapper Keeper full
of appointments, right?Copy !req
279. No, I just have
something at 11:00Copy !req
280. that I can't change it,
because I already
moved it twice.Copy !req
281. What are you looking at?Copy !req
282. Is there a UFO
in the sky?Copy !req
283. No, no. It's nothing
you need worry about.Copy !req
284. Yet.Copy !req
285. Andy? Are you
gonna clean that up?Copy !req
286. Oh, yeah, I will.Copy !req
287. Uh, I just got...
I don't have time right now.Copy !req
288. Clean it up
and come to my office
for the meeting.Copy !req
289. I gotta...Copy !req
290. Damn!Copy !req
291. Gail, are you okay?Copy !req
292. Yeah, I'm okay.Copy !req
293. It's just that
my husband Ron...Copy !req
294. You know...
No, he's my ex-husband.Copy !req
295. I guess I have
to get used to that.Copy !req
296. I have to get used
to saying ex, ex, ex.Copy !req
297. He's my ex, ex-husband.Copy !req
298. You know, it's just
that I thought, like,Copy !req
299. when Jonas and I separated,Copy !req
300. I thought that
everything was lost.Copy !req
301. And then I met RonCopy !req
302. and it just seemed like
everything was gonna
work out, you know?Copy !req
303. Gail.Copy !req
304. Keep going.
We're with you.Copy !req
305. I'm a total wreck!
I don't even know
where the crayons are.Copy !req
306. I'm a loser.Copy !req
307. I know, I know.
Gail, listen to me.Copy !req
308. Ron's who he is and
you can't change that.
I know.Copy !req
309. Okay?Copy !req
310. Gail, listen to me.
Look at me.
I am.Copy !req
311. Gail, look at me.
Gail, look at me.Copy !req
312. I want you
to say, "Okay."Copy !req
313. Why?Copy !req
314. I want you
to say, "Okay."Copy !req
315. Okay.Copy !req
316. Okay. Good.Copy !req
317. I'd like to take
this opportunity
to thank you allCopy !req
318. for making
the last eight weeks,Copy !req
319. without rival,
the best summer
of my entire life.Copy !req
320. Okay, let's get
to the business.Copy !req
321. Okay. Coop, the camp goat
took a shit in the infirmary.Copy !req
322. I need you to take
care of that, please.Copy !req
323. That's impossible!Copy !req
324. No, it is possible,
and it happened.
On my shoes.Copy !req
325. Abby, Bunk Eight
wants to watch
The China Syndrome again,Copy !req
326. so you have to run
the Betamax.Copy !req
327. Again?Copy !req
328. What can I say?
They love it. McKinley.Copy !req
329. Four lower campersCopy !req
330. are stuck in the ropes course.Copy !req
331. I meant to tell you
about that yesterday,
but could you get to it now?Copy !req
332. And last,
but certainly not least,Copy !req
333. tonight is
the big talent show.Copy !req
334. We have a lot
of hard work
ahead of us.Copy !req
335. A few ground rules...Copy !req
336. Hey. Hey!Copy !req
337. I'm serious here.
I am not joking around.Copy !req
338. I am not...
I am not Ruth Buzzi
standing here.Copy !req
339. I am no Ruth Buzzi
standing here!Copy !req
340. Steve?
What you got there?Copy !req
341. I have been programmedCopy !req
342. by my galactic masterCopy !req
343. not to talk
to Earth denizensCopy !req
344. of classification J.J.
and McKinley-izoid.Copy !req
345. Your brother
is such a freak.Copy !req
346. I know.Copy !req
347. Katie, you're hot, right?Copy !req
348. By all accounts,
you would be
considered hot.Copy !req
349. Is that correct?Copy !req
350. Uh, I suppose so.Copy !req
351. Okay. So if one
wanted to be hotCopy !req
352. and make a good impression,
what would you wear?Copy !req
353. You put on a clean
pair of pants?Copy !req
354. Beth, come on. Pants?
Are you kidding?Copy !req
355. Yes. Pants.
Of course I'm kidding.Copy !req
356. You didn't get that
I'm kidding?Copy !req
357. Unless you're kidding.Copy !req
358. Because pants, Katie.
Come on, please. Pants.Copy !req
359. So would you...
Slacks? Pants?Copy !req
360. I don't know. I think
I'd wear a sexy dress
or something.Copy !req
361. That... Oh, you're good.
Sexy dress.Copy !req
362. Okay.
Uh, that's "A."Copy !req
363. Um, what else...
What else would one do
if one were...Copy !req
364. I'd do my hair.Copy !req
365. Oh, get out of town!Copy !req
366. I'm not
getting out of town,
I'm serious.Copy !req
367. And I'd use
a little mousse.Copy !req
368. Moose, as in...Copy !req
369. No, "mousse"
for your hair.Copy !req
370. Right! Right!Copy !req
371. Okay.
What?Copy !req
372. Wait a minute, Beth.
Are you...Copy !req
373. Huh? What's up?Copy !req
374. You dog! You have
a crush on somebody!Copy !req
375. I do have a crush.
I just don't believe
that he's interested.Copy !req
376. What?Copy !req
377. Beth, do not worry.
Come with me and I will
mousse you up. Come on.Copy !req
378. Hey, Andy,
can I take out the motorboat
and drive around the lake?Copy !req
379. Sure.Copy !req
380. Wow! Thanks.Copy !req
381. Just make sure
you fill it up with gas
when you're done,Copy !req
382. and watch out...Copy !req
383. Yeah, whatever.Copy !req
384. Man, I'd give anything
for two minutes in
the closet with Lindsay.Copy !req
385. What about Katie?Copy !req
386. Who?Copy !req
387. Excellent.Copy !req
388. Hey. Whatcha writing on?Copy !req
389. My gurnal.Copy !req
390. I write my thoughts
in it every day.Copy !req
391. Oh, you mean a journal.Copy !req
392. Yeah, whatever.Copy !req
393. Guess I'm not
all smart like you.Copy !req
394. Can I see
what you're writing?Copy !req
395. Actually, Lindsay,
only three people
are allowed to look at this.Copy !req
396. Me, myself and I.Copy !req
397. But I want you
to share it with me.Copy !req
398. Hey!Copy !req
399. Let's see.
Debbie Waxman?Copy !req
400. No. She makes
that weird piggy face
when she talks, you know?Copy !req
401. Yeah. Okay, good.
No piggy face.Copy !req
402. Rachel Schwartz.
No.Copy !req
403. Come on,
she's a slut.
She'll go.Copy !req
404. I'll pass.Copy !req
405. Yeah, you're not
really a slut type.Copy !req
406. Yes, I am.
I love sluts.Copy !req
407. Sluts rock. No,
it's just gotta be
the right slut.Copy !req
408. What about Susie?Copy !req
409. Yeah. I could
go for Susie.Copy !req
410. She and I went out
my first summer here.Copy !req
411. When you were 10?Copy !req
412. Yeah, we were 10,
but we were into
some pretty heavy shit.Copy !req
413. What? Did you go all the way?Copy !req
414. Yeah, you bet
we went all the way.
We went all the way.Copy !req
415. Went all the way
back, too.Copy !req
416. We did doggy style,
pony style.Copy !req
417. Style Council.
That's a good band.
They're hot right now.Copy !req
418. Human League.
They have some good stuff.Copy !req
419. League of Nations.
That brings in the whole
thing of the United Nations.Copy !req
420. That brings in
the whole category
of countries.Copy !req
421. Where to start?
Well, the obvious one,Copy !req
422. the birthplace
of spaghetti and pasta,
all that oily stuff. Italy.Copy !req
423. Now you go.Copy !req
424. Um...Copy !req
425. How about Italy?Copy !req
426. Yeah, good! It's safe.Copy !req
427. Plus, I kind
of paved the way
with that one, but...Copy !req
428. What?Copy !req
429. What?
Hey, guys.Copy !req
430. Hi, Nancy.Copy !req
431. Hi, Katie.Copy !req
432. Coop, goat shit.Copy !req
433. Andy! Help me!
I fell off the boat!Copy !req
434. You French great.
Andy!Copy !req
435. You're not so bad
yourself, Mr. Man.Copy !req
436. Andy, help me!
I can't swim!Copy !req
437. Cut it out, Bobby.
You're fine.Copy !req
438. For Christ's sake, Andy,
help me, I'm drowning!Copy !req
439. No, you can't
hear the ocean,Copy !req
440. but you can
learn a great deal
about our world.Copy !req
441. Hi, guys.Copy !req
442. Hey, Beth.Copy !req
443. Like the new look.
Très chic.Copy !req
444. Thank you, Henry.Copy !req
445. Please, call me Henry.Copy !req
446. Okay, Henry it is.Copy !req
447. So. I see you decided to come
teach the campers, Henry.Copy !req
448. Yeah. I'm sorry
I snapped at you before.Copy !req
449. I'm just a little shy
around children.
But it's been great!Copy !req
450. I've got them making
miniature black holes
with paper clips and soot.Copy !req
451. Oh. What you do
is so fascinating!Copy !req
452. You really
like astrophysics?Copy !req
453. I love it!
It's my biggest hobby.
I love it.Copy !req
454. Really? Okay.
Who's your favorite
astrophysicist?Copy !req
455. My...
I totally know
this one.Copy !req
456. Anyone...Copy !req
457. What time is it?Copy !req
458. 9:00, 9:30.Copy !req
459. I'm so late.
I have to go meet
Jim Stansel.Copy !req
460. You know Jim?
Uh-huh.Copy !req
461. He's that guy.Copy !req
462. So I'll talk
to you later. Okay?Copy !req
463. Okay.
Okay.Copy !req
464. Okay. Okay.
Later, then.Copy !req
465. Andy, have you seen
my swimming buddy?Copy !req
466. Um...
If I can't find him,Copy !req
467. I'm telling Beth
that you let him drown.Copy !req
468. I was busy.Copy !req
469. It's your job to make sure
kids don't drown.Copy !req
470. Lindsay, I need, like,
20 minutes, all right?Copy !req
471. Gotta talk to this kid.Copy !req
472. Andy,
where are we going?Copy !req
473. To a big,
secret pizza party.Copy !req
474. Wow! Cool.
I love pizza.Copy !req
475. Yeah, well...Copy !req
476. Nancy! Hello.Copy !req
477. If I was looking for
a book on astrophysics,
where would I find one?Copy !req
478. Off the top of my head,
I'd have to say a bookstore.Copy !req
479. Or a library.Copy !req
480. Right. Just curious.
Keep up the good work.Copy !req
481. Okay.Copy !req
482. Excuse me.
Uh, Nancy.Copy !req
483. Say I wanted to get
a book on, um...Copy !req
484. What?Copy !req
485. Camp directing, I guess.
Would that be...Copy !req
486. Henry.Copy !req
487. Henry! Library.Copy !req
488. Ooh.Copy !req
489. Thank you!Copy !req
490. Beth! Beth!Copy !req
491. If you're going into town,
can you pick me upCopy !req
492. something at the drugstore?Copy !req
493. Beth, come on.Copy !req
494. My husband's coming today
and I need some lube.Copy !req
495. For my pussy.Copy !req
496. J.J.: Oh, cool!Copy !req
497. Beth's going into town.
Let's go! Beth, wait, wait!Copy !req
498. No, no, no.
No, no, no, no.Copy !req
499. Come on, Coop!
Come on!Copy !req
500. Whoo!Copy !req
501. Come on.Copy !req
502. Hey, guys,
how was Waterville?Copy !req
503. It was really fun.Copy !req
504. It's always fun
to get away from camp,
even for an hour.Copy !req
505. Hey, Katie!
I'll see you later, maybe?Copy !req
506. Definitely.Copy !req
507. Hey, you guys, wait up!Copy !req
508. How far away is
this goddamn river?Copy !req
509. It's at least two hours, Vic.Copy !req
510. Please. Try to
forget about Abby.Copy !req
511. I can't, Neil, okay?
This is my only chance.Copy !req
512. What are you
talking about?Copy !req
513. I'm gonna tell you something,
but I swear to God,
if you tell anybody...Copy !req
514. I swear to God!Copy !req
515. What?Copy !req
516. I'm a virgin.Copy !req
517. You're joking.
Right, dude?Copy !req
518. You're the stallion.
You've had like 50 or
60 women, so I mean...Copy !req
519. Actually,
it's closer toCopy !req
520. zero.Copy !req
521. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.Copy !req
522. You're a loser.
You are a loser!Copy !req
523. Oh, my God. Don't!Copy !req
524. You're such a loser.Copy !req
525. What?Copy !req
526. What?Copy !req
527. You listen to me,
Mr. Kickass.Copy !req
528. Mr. Rubber-burner.Copy !req
529. You wipe that hotshot
grin off your face
or I'll shoot it off you.Copy !req
530. You got that?
Now finish up
them taters.Copy !req
531. I'm gonna go
fondle my sweaters.Copy !req
532. Come on. What?Copy !req
533. Finish up the taters.
And then what did you say?Copy !req
534. And then what did I say?Copy !req
535. You said you were gonna
go fondle your sweaters.Copy !req
536. I... No, I didn't.Copy !req
537. I said I'm gonna
fondue with cheddar.Copy !req
538. I was thinking about making
fondue with cheddar cheese
for dinner tonight.Copy !req
539. No, Gene, that is
not what you said.Copy !req
540. It is what I said.Copy !req
541. Fondue with cheddar.Copy !req
542. Okay, fine.Copy !req
543. Okay, see you later.Copy !req
544. See you.Copy !req
545. I'm just gonna
stop by my bunk
for a real quick sec.Copy !req
546. Maybe you should
talk to him.Copy !req
547. So, then,
Rabbi Rothstein says,
"Sim, sim, sim, sim, ata..."Copy !req
548. Hey, McKinley.Copy !req
549. Did you take
that shower yet?Copy !req
550. Yeah, of course.Copy !req
551. Did you?Copy !req
552. No.
Take a shower.Copy !req
553. Sorry, folks for
the "coitus interruptus,"
if you will.Copy !req
554. I know you're all hungry
for the picnic,Copy !req
555. so don't eat too many
barbecued bovine muscles.Copy !req
556. Those being hamburgers.
Thank you.Copy !req
557. Gail, if I could just
interject something here.Copy !req
558. This is gonna sound
like I'm putting down
my own gender,Copy !req
559. but the truth is,
a lot of the time
men can be real,Copy !req
560. and excuse the Yiddish,
insensitive schmucks.Copy !req
561. It's true.Copy !req
562. I know. I know.Copy !req
563. It's just that
I'm 34-years-old,
you know?Copy !req
564. I'm just afraid I'm never
gonna meet anybody.Copy !req
565. Shh. Just breathe.
It's so sad.Copy !req
566. Breathe. Shh. Just breathe.Copy !req
567. Feels so good.Copy !req
568. Oh, God!Copy !req
569. Your hands are magic.Copy !req
570. There you go.Copy !req
571. You, my friend,
are a magician.Copy !req
572. Okay!Copy !req
573. Everyone! Immediately!
Out of the van.Copy !req
574. Get out of the van.
Out. Out.Copy !req
575. What are you doing?
I'm going back to camp.Copy !req
576. I'll come back
in the morning
and pick you up.Copy !req
577. Wait. Just wait a second.Copy !req
578. What, Neil?Copy !req
579. Well, just wait a minute.
You can't get there
and back by sunup.Copy !req
580. I am going to be
with Abby Bernstein
tonight,Copy !req
581. and if you don't like it,
you know what?Copy !req
582. You could just go ahead
and fuck yourself!Copy !req
583. Hey!Copy !req
584. You're making
a big mistake,
Victor Pulak.Copy !req
585. A big mistake.Copy !req
586. Even though
we ain't got moneyCopy !req
587. I'm so in love
with you, honeyCopy !req
588. And everything will bring
a chain of love, yeahCopy !req
589. In the morning when I rise...Copy !req
590. Oh, fuck!Copy !req
591. Oh, shit!Copy !req
592. Abby!Copy !req
593. In the morning when I riseCopy !req
594. You bring a tear
of joy to my eyesCopy !req
595. Hey, Abby.Copy !req
596. I thought this was
a different bunk.Copy !req
597. No.Copy !req
598. Am I bothering you?Copy !req
599. No, not at all.Copy !req
600. You wanna come
sit on the bed?Copy !req
601. That sucks!Copy !req
602. Wait for me,
Abby Bernstein.Copy !req
603. Wait for me,
my darling.Copy !req
604. Mmm.
Wait, wait, wait.Copy !req
605. What? What?Copy !req
606. I just want
to take off my shirt.Copy !req
607. Where are we going?Copy !req
608. I don't know.
Victor took the maps.
Shut up and paddle.Copy !req
609. I want Victor back.Copy !req
610. We all want him
back, Sammy, but
he's not coming back.Copy !req
611. My name isn't Sammy.Copy !req
612. We'll die without him.
He's the only one
who can navigate the river.Copy !req
613. Fine, you're right.
I'll find the son of a gun.Copy !req
614. I'll bring him back here
if it's the last thing
I do, dead or alive.Copy !req
615. Alive.
We want him alive.Copy !req
616. Okay. Wait here.Copy !req
617. Okay. Okay.Copy !req
618. All right.Copy !req
619. Oh, my God!Copy !req
620. Look at
Lindsay's chicken wings.Copy !req
621. J.J.: Debbie Epstein
has, like, Playboy titties!Copy !req
622. It's just like Klute!Copy !req
623. Holy shit, you guys!
Look, look, look.Copy !req
624. Bend over, yes.
Take 'em off,
take 'em off. Yes! Yes!Copy !req
625. Guys, I'm gonna catch up
with you later, okay?Copy !req
626. Dude, that's kind of sad.Copy !req
627. He gets so uncomfortable
whenever we talk openly
about sexual issues.Copy !req
628. You know, he's never
been with a girl before.Copy !req
629. McKinley needs
to experience the ultimate.Copy !req
630. And I think you know
what I'm talking about.Copy !req
631. You mean
penis in vagina?Copy !req
632. No, dickhead. Sex.Copy !req
633. Oh, oh, oh.Copy !req
634. J.J.: They're total nymphos!Copy !req
635. Throw the ball!Copy !req
636. Yes!Copy !req
637. I'm sure we can convince
one of the girls from
Bunk Ten to boink McKinley.Copy !req
638. They're really horny
this summer.Copy !req
639. Where did he go, anyway?Copy !req
640. J.J.: I don't know.
He probably went to goCopy !req
641. write his mommy
and daddy a letter
or something.Copy !req
642. What a fag!Copy !req
643. J.J.: Who are we gonna
set him up with?Copy !req
644. How about Debbie?Copy !req
645. No, she's got mono.
Right.Copy !req
646. How about Debbie?
Who?Copy !req
647. You know,
Debbie Debbie.Copy !req
648. Oh, Debbie Debbie.
No, she's his cousin.Copy !req
649. How about tall Debbie?Copy !req
650. Too tall.
Yeah.Copy !req
651. How about
Debbie Freeman?
She's in heat!Copy !req
652. Yeah, she wants
to French.Copy !req
653. No, you shithead.
She wants to get boned.Copy !req
654. Then I want her.Copy !req
655. J.J.: You're
being ridiculous.Copy !req
656. I'm not
being ridiculous!
I'm just saying I want her.Copy !req
657. This isn't about you.
This is about McKinley.Copy !req
658. Haven't you been
listening to what
we've been saying?Copy !req
659. We're trying
to get our friend
McKinley laid.Copy !req
660. Ah! Point taken.Copy !req
661. Okay. Tonight.Copy !req
662. Get McKinley laid.Copy !req
663. Come hell
or high water?Copy !req
664. Secret handshake?Copy !req
665. Get McKinley laid!
Get McKinley laid!Copy !req
666. As everybody knows,
today is the big culminating,
climactic softball gameCopy !req
667. against evil
Camp Tiger Claw.Copy !req
668. Boo!Copy !req
669. We have put together
an unlikelyCopy !req
670. team of misfits,
and we've been training
like crazy all summer.Copy !req
671. Yeah, it's a motley crew
that you'd thinkCopy !req
672. would never be able
to win a single game.Copy !req
673. We had a kooky
training period
where it seemed like...Copy !req
674. Well, it seemed like
nothing was gonna go right.
But, guys,Copy !req
675. somehow we made it
to the finals.Copy !req
676. So I say, when those
anonymously evil campers
from Tiger Claw get here,Copy !req
677. we give it our best shot,
and we try to come from
behind at the last minuteCopy !req
678. with some weird trick play
that we made up
and we win the game.Copy !req
679. What do you say, team?Copy !req
680. It sounds like pretty
well-worn territory.Copy !req
681. The whole thing
feels kind of trite.
I say we forget it.Copy !req
682. Is that how
everybody feels?Copy !req
683. Yeah.Copy !req
684. Well,
it's fine with me...Copy !req
685. So listen,
they just aren't into it.
It's kind of trite.Copy !req
686. Oh, yeah, you're right.
No problem, man.Copy !req
687. It's sort of hackneyed.Copy !req
688. Tried and
done before.Copy !req
689. See you later, man.Copy !req
690. It's no big deal.
They were totally
cool with it.Copy !req
691. Okay? All right.Copy !req
692. Dude! Susie is gonna score
with McKinley.Copy !req
693. Well, then he's gonna
need some eyewitnesses
for verification.Copy !req
694. Let's go!Copy !req
695. J.J.: Why does she still
have her clothes on?Copy !req
696. Looks like she's
playing the flute.Copy !req
697. Oh, wow. Kinky.Copy !req
698. As bared witness
by myself,Copy !req
699. all of Camp Firewood
and the higher power,
however you define it,Copy !req
700. I hereby consecrate
and sanctify the unionCopy !req
701. of McKinley and Ben.Copy !req
702. May their majestic
and blessed loveCopy !req
703. flourish all the days
of their lives.Copy !req
704. Amen.
Amen.Copy !req
705. Amen.
Amen.Copy !req
706. McKinley's a fag.Copy !req
707. McKinley's a fag
with Ben!Copy !req
708. What are we gonna do?Copy !req
709. Capture the flag!Copy !req
710. Hey, aren't you
gonna eat anything?Copy !req
711. I'm not hungry.Copy !req
712. So. You haven't
made many friends
this summer, have you?Copy !req
713. No, I have not.Copy !req
714. Let's drop
the robot voice,
shall we?Copy !req
715. Okay.Copy !req
716. This your first
summer here?Copy !req
717. Fifth. You were
my counselor.
Three times.Copy !req
718. Okay, now I'm
the camp director,Copy !req
719. so if there's anything I can
do to make your last day more
enjoyable, just let me know.Copy !req
720. Really?Copy !req
721. I have an idea. How about
whatever you've beenCopy !req
722. working on this summer
is your talent tonight
at the big talent show?Copy !req
723. That way, the other campers
can get to know you.Copy !req
724. It's not a song
or anything.Copy !req
725. It's okay. I'll have Susie
put you on the list.Copy !req
726. Oh, God! Thank you!Copy !req
727. How was the waterfront
this morning?Copy !req
728. It was good.Copy !req
729. Are we gonna get
a chance to spend some time
together later?Copy !req
730. Katie, are you
gonna pound thisCopy !req
731. into my face all day?Copy !req
732. Sorry.Copy !req
733. Apology accepted.Copy !req
734. Oh, guess what.
This morning, a bunch
of us went into townCopy !req
735. and we got ice cream
and hamburgers...Copy !req
736. It smells like
the ribs are ready.Copy !req
737. Beth, I may regret
saying this,Copy !req
738. but how dare you usurp
my authority as producer...Copy !req
739. Director/choreographer
of the talent show?Copy !req
740. I mean, you were
wrong to do that!Copy !req
741. I need you to know
I have been busting
my balls, woman!Copy !req
742. I am telling you,
the musical numbers
are a mess,Copy !req
743. my kids are a bunch
of amateurs,Copy !req
744. and the last thing
I need today is
some diabetic freakCopy !req
745. prancing around on stage
making my life a living hell!Copy !req
746. All right,
I'll put him last.Copy !req
747. Good.Copy !req
748. Oh, she always wins!Copy !req
749. Don't pick it up, stupid!Copy !req
750. Stop picking it up!Copy !req
751. You see? This is us,Copy !req
752. and we're traveling
around the sun.Copy !req
753. That's a 1.3 millionCopy !req
754. mile trip every year!Copy !req
755. Radical.Copy !req
756. You might say
that each and
every one of usCopy !req
757. is a crew member here
on Spaceship Earth.Copy !req
758. When would we say that?Copy !req
759. Any time.Copy !req
760. Dinner. Literally, any time.Copy !req
761. You're amazing. I hope
that when I grow upCopy !req
762. I can come to your college
and you can be my professor.Copy !req
763. Well, actually, I, uh...Copy !req
764. I'm just an
associate professor.Copy !req
765. What does that mean?
Melvin!Copy !req
766. No, no,
it's all right.Copy !req
767. It means, Melvin...Copy !req
768. It means that I'm...Copy !req
769. less than.Copy !req
770. Oh, God!Copy !req
771. Hey! What's going on?Copy !req
772. Hey, Beth.
We're just having
ourselves a little cry.Copy !req
773. I know what
this group needs.Copy !req
774. How about we grab
some lunch and then watch
the Capture the Flag game?Copy !req
775. What do you say?Copy !req
776. I think we'll take
a rain check, Beth.Copy !req
777. We're in the middle
of some pretty
interesting stuff here.Copy !req
778. Okay. I'll make
you a deal.Copy !req
779. You come watch
the Capture the Flag game
with the normal kids,Copy !req
780. and then you can have
the whole rest of the day
to learn about planets, stars,Copy !req
781. pulsars, heliocentricity,
gravitational collapseCopy !req
782. and the science
of celestial mechanicsCopy !req
783. as shown
through the work of the
19th century scientists,Copy !req
784. Alexis Clairaut,
Jean d'Alembert
and Pierre Laplace.Copy !req
785. Okay?
Okay!Copy !req
786. Ready? Break!Copy !req
787. All right,
come on. Let's go!
Yes!Copy !req
788. Gee, I was really impressed
by some of the stuff
you said back there.Copy !req
789. Oh, it was...Copy !req
790. No, Beth, you know
what you're talking about.Copy !req
791. I don't know where
you find the time to learn
about astrophysics.Copy !req
792. I mean, with camp payroll
and insurance to deal with.Copy !req
793. Keeping parents happy,
supervising a young staff.Copy !req
794. Keeping everyone fed.Copy !req
795. Wow.Copy !req
796. It was in 1908
that the first
American summer campsCopy !req
797. were founded
in the Catskills.Copy !req
798. Is there
any more corn?Copy !req
799. What?Copy !req
800. More corn.Copy !req
801. Oh, dude.Copy !req
802. Lindsay, you got...Copy !req
803. What, dude?Copy !req
804. What? What are you
doing with your hand?Copy !req
805. On your face.
You, uh...Copy !req
806. Cat got your tongue, Andy?
What is it?Copy !req
807. You have barbecue sauce
all over your face.Copy !req
808. I know that. So?Copy !req
809. It's pretty foul.Copy !req
810. It's just barbecue sauce.Copy !req
811. Come on.
I wanna make out.Copy !req
812. Okay, but not here.Copy !req
813. What's it like
being a professor?Copy !req
814. What do they say?
"Publish or perish"?Copy !req
815. Well, perish mostly.Copy !req
816. I'm up for tenure
this fall.Copy !req
817. If I don't make
my mark soon, I could
end up out of work.Copy !req
818. But you're
so talented!Copy !req
819. Tell that to my dean.Copy !req
820. Okay. Okay,
what's his address?Copy !req
821. You serious?
56 Linden Lane.Copy !req
822. Okay. City?Copy !req
823. God, you're really...
Augusta.Copy !req
824. State?Copy !req
825. I can't believe...
Well, Maine, of course.Copy !req
826. Zip?Copy !req
827. This is... 04139.Copy !req
828. Does he have
an apartment number?
No!Copy !req
829. Beth, this is incredible.
I don't know how
to thank you.Copy !req
830. You already have, Henry.
You already have.Copy !req
831. This is crazy.
This is crazy.Copy !req
832. That's it, Lars.Copy !req
833. Good. Keep your
feet together.Copy !req
834. Yeah, you got it. Good.Copy !req
835. You taste like a burger.
I don't like you anymore.Copy !req
836. Whatever!Copy !req
837. Damn it!Copy !req
838. Is it my turn yet?Copy !req
839. So this is where
I come when
I want to think.Copy !req
840. Wow.Copy !req
841. It's veryCopy !req
842. barn-like.Copy !req
843. You know,
it's weird, Coop.Copy !req
844. I was supposed to be
in the woods with Andy
this afternoon, but...Copy !req
845. Oh. I'm sorry.
We can go back.
We should go back.Copy !req
846. No, no! It's okay.
I can see him later.Copy !req
847. Give me your hand, Coop.Copy !req
848. It's cold.Copy !req
849. Yeah. I'm freezing.Copy !req
850. Do you want
my sweatshirt?Copy !req
851. Do you mind?Copy !req
852. Okay, Coop, now I'm
colder than I was before
when I said I was cold.Copy !req
853. Well, do you want
my flannel?Copy !req
854. Yeah.Copy !req
855. Wow, this is cool!
It's a really great shirt.
I love it.Copy !req
856. It's my favorite shirt.Copy !req
857. So...
You're gonna have
to give it back.Copy !req
858. Now?Copy !req
859. Yeah.Copy !req
860. What are we doing?Copy !req
861. Do you mean, like,
switching our shirts?Copy !req
862. No.Copy !req
863. What are we doing?Copy !req
864. I don't know.Copy !req
865. Okay, so I'm Ron
and I'm calling you.
Here we go. Ring, ring.Copy !req
866. Hello?
Hi, Gail.Copy !req
867. It's me, Ron.Copy !req
868. Hi, Ron.
What do you want?Copy !req
869. Um... Well, I'm ready to give
our marriage another shot.
What do you say?Copy !req
870. Um...Copy !req
871. Be strong, Gail!Copy !req
872. No. No, Ron. It's over.Copy !req
873. Goodbye.Copy !req
874. Hi, Mom.
Could you get Dad?Copy !req
875. Just get him.Copy !req
876. Hi, Dad.
Okay, are you guys
sitting down?Copy !req
877. I met somebody.
Well, she's got
this other boyfriend,Copy !req
878. but, well,
it's just a matter
of time, I think.Copy !req
879. Well, her name is Katie,
and she's really great.Copy !req
880. And, um... What?
I don't think so.Copy !req
881. Well, she might be. She's got
a pretty big nose.Copy !req
882. Well, I know how you guys
worry that I have trouble
meeting girls.Copy !req
883. And I'm just saying,
worry no more, so...Copy !req
884. I should get going.
She's probably
looking for me.Copy !req
885. Okay, I'll talk
to you guys tomorrow.
Bye-bye.Copy !req
886. This feels so good.Copy !req
887. Maybe you shouldn't jump
the gun just yet, Coop.Copy !req
888. Very good, very good.Copy !req
889. A-plus for comedy, Beth.Copy !req
890. Ruth Buzzi
better watch her back.Copy !req
891. Beth! "Jump the gun."Copy !req
892. Day by dayCopy !req
893. Day by dayCopy !req
894. Okay, stop!
I feel like I'm watching
regional theater, you guys.Copy !req
895. God, am I in
the Cleveland Play House
or something?Copy !req
896. Your craft is a muscle!
You need to exercise it!Copy !req
897. Take a break!
Think about
what you've done.Copy !req
898. Hey, Susie, have you
seen Katie anywhere?Copy !req
899. No. Why?Copy !req
900. Oh, no particular reason.
But if you see her,Copy !req
901. will you tell her
that I'm looking for her?Copy !req
902. Sure.Copy !req
903. Okay.Copy !req
904. All right, with passion!Copy !req
905. Katie! Are you in here?Copy !req
906. Oh, hi.Copy !req
907. Um, I want to talk
to you later, okay?Copy !req
908. Oh, yeah. Sure.Copy !req
909. Dinner!Copy !req
910. Have you seen J.J. and Gary?
Do you know where they are?
Don't know.Copy !req
911. I'm a little
worried they might
have found out about us.Copy !req
912. Hey!Copy !req
913. McKinley and Ben!Copy !req
914. This is for you.Copy !req
915. J.J.: It's a chaise lounge.Copy !req
916. We didn't know
if maybe you guys
already had one.Copy !req
917. We have the receipt
if you do.Copy !req
918. No, we don't have one.
Thank you!Copy !req
919. It goes with the
chenille throw cloth
Beth's sister gave us.Copy !req
920. Okay, everybody, attention.
I've got an announcement.Copy !req
921. I know you're all getting
ready for the big
talent show tonight,Copy !req
922. but the following campers
need to put their trunks out,Copy !req
923. so the early bus to Boston
can pick them up at 7:30 a.m.Copy !req
924. Amanda Klein,
Jessica Azaria,Copy !req
925. Ira Stevenberg,
Sol Zimmerstein,Copy !req
926. uh, David Bengurion.Copy !req
927. Cooking slop
for the grunts in 'Nam
was easier than this.Copy !req
928. We had no place
being over there.Copy !req
929. It was a war
we couldn't win, Gene.Copy !req
930. Yeah?Copy !req
931. Well, I'm gonna go
smear some mud
on my ass.Copy !req
932. What?Copy !req
933. I said, "I hear
my bud's in class."Copy !req
934. I gotta go and call my bud
and see how his grades are.Copy !req
935. I gotta go. Go away,
leave me alone.Copy !req
936. Gene, now, hold on.Copy !req
937. Look, I don't care what
you do in your private time,
but don't lie about it.Copy !req
938. I mean, you clearly said,
"Smear mud on my ass."Copy !req
939. And I'll tell you something.
If you wanna smear mud
on your ass,Copy !req
940. smear mud on your ass.Copy !req
941. Just be honest about it.Copy !req
942. Look, Gene, I've never
told anyone this before,Copy !req
943. but I can suck my own dick.
And I do it.Copy !req
944. A lot.Copy !req
945. There, I said it.
I was honest.Copy !req
946. And you know what, Gene?Copy !req
947. Being honest
makes you feel better.Copy !req
948. Hey, Katie. Wait.Copy !req
949. Hey, I'm sorry about before.Copy !req
950. I hope that
wasn't bad timing.Copy !req
951. No.Copy !req
952. Coop, we have to talk.
Sure.Copy !req
953. I was thinking that what
happened between us before
was a mistake.Copy !req
954. And, uh...Copy !req
955. What?Copy !req
956. I wasn't thinking straight.
It was wrong.Copy !req
957. No, it wasn't wrong.Copy !req
958. Katie, why are
you doing this?Copy !req
959. I'm really sorry, Coop.Copy !req
960. Come on!
This is a joke, right?Copy !req
961. I have a boyfriend, Coop.Copy !req
962. And I can't...
I can't do this.
I'm sorry.Copy !req
963. Wait, Katie!Copy !req
964. When we first started
hanging out together
this morning,Copy !req
965. we were just friends,Copy !req
966. but things change,
and I've fallen in love
with you.Copy !req
967. And I just know
that if you gave me
a chance,Copy !req
968. I could make you
feel so good.Copy !req
969. So I'm coming to you,
not as your buddy,Copy !req
970. and not as a co-counselor,
but for the first time,
as a man.Copy !req
971. A man who loves a woman,Copy !req
972. and who wants to hold her,
and provide for her,Copy !req
973. and, yes, have sex with her.Copy !req
974. But, no, seriously, Katie,
I love the way you laugh.Copy !req
975. And I love the way
your hair smells.Copy !req
976. And I love it that
sometimes for no reason,
you're late for shul.Copy !req
977. And I don't care that you're
bowlegged and I don't care
that you're bilingual.Copy !req
978. All I know is that
I would have said no to every
single person on your listCopy !req
979. because I've always
wanted you.Copy !req
980. Coop, I don't know
what to say.Copy !req
981. Coop, wait!Copy !req
982. Rachael Clipperhofferman,Copy !req
983. Steven Schenk...
Beth!Copy !req
984. Can I make
a quick announcement
before we finish up?Copy !req
985. Sure thing.Copy !req
986. I want to thank all of you
for a terrific summer.Copy !req
987. Cooking for all
you nice peopleCopy !req
988. has really helped me
get over the fact that
I fought in the Vietnam War.Copy !req
989. Have a great winter!
I'm gonna go hump the fridge!Copy !req
990. What?Copy !req
991. Yes, folks, it's true.Copy !req
992. I said, "I'm gonna go
hump the fridge."Copy !req
993. What you may not know
is that I alsoCopy !req
994. own a bottle
of dick cream,Copy !req
995. I fondle my sweaters,
and I often like
to smear mud on my ass.Copy !req
996. You're probably
asking yourselves,
"Isn't he a weirdo,Copy !req
997. "outcast, loose cannon?"Copy !req
998. Maybe. I don't think so.Copy !req
999. I want to introduce
you guys to someone.
This is my friend.Copy !req
1000. I don't know who he is,
but I do know this.Copy !req
1001. At a time when I was trying
to hide myself from myself,Copy !req
1002. he was there to show me
a new way.Copy !req
1003. Because I couldn't
hide from him.Copy !req
1004. And I can be proud
of who I am.Copy !req
1005. I put it to you,Copy !req
1006. Camp Firewood,Copy !req
1007. as we spend
our last dinner together,
be proud of who you are!Copy !req
1008. Look at me, Ma!Copy !req
1009. I made it! I'm okay!Copy !req
1010. Now, if you don't mind,Copy !req
1011. I have some unfinished
business to attend to.Copy !req
1012. Hooray!Copy !req
1013. Hey! Hey!Copy !req
1014. No! No, no!Copy !req
1015. You fucking assholes!
Let me go!Copy !req
1016. No! No! No!
Not the thing. No! No!Copy !req
1017. Please, don't!
No, no, no!Copy !req
1018. No! No!Copy !req
1019. Oh, Henry,
I'm so happy.Copy !req
1020. But what will become
of us tomorrow?Copy !req
1021. Hey, you.
Penny for your thoughts.Copy !req
1022. Beth, tomorrow's
the least of our problems.Copy !req
1023. Oh, don't tell me.
Don't even tell me
you have crabs.Copy !req
1024. No.Copy !req
1025. Well, yes,
but that's not
the point.Copy !req
1026. Well, what is the point?Copy !req
1027. This isn't the time
or the place to discuss it.Copy !req
1028. Beth, meet me at the
picnic table in 10 seconds.
I'll tell you all about it.Copy !req
1029. Okay.Copy !req
1030. Beth, hello. Ow!
Thanks for coming.
Let's get right to it.Copy !req
1031. You may recall
10 seconds ago,Copy !req
1032. I asked you
to join me here,Copy !req
1033. by the picnic table,
so I could tell you
what's going on.Copy !req
1034. All right. Well, earlier
today, I saw what I thought
was possibly a planet,Copy !req
1035. also possibly a meteor
in the evening sky.Copy !req
1036. I now believe
that object
was none otherCopy !req
1037. than a renegade
piece of Skylab,
the NASA space station,Copy !req
1038. and it's heading
right for the camp.Copy !req
1039. Oh, my God!Copy !req
1040. And there's more!Copy !req
1041. We have no way
of pinpointing exactly
where it's going to land.Copy !req
1042. It could kill us all!Copy !req
1043. Jesus!Copy !req
1044. Wait a minute!
There might be a wayCopy !req
1045. to build a homemade
Skylab tracking device!Copy !req
1046. Which accomplishes?Copy !req
1047. We could surmise
the location of impact.Copy !req
1048. We could avert
a tragedy on the scale
of the Hindenburg.Copy !req
1049. Beth, will you help us?Copy !req
1050. Anything you need.Copy !req
1051. Let's do it!Copy !req
1052. Hey, Andy?Copy !req
1053. Can I talk to you
for a second?Copy !req
1054. Sure.Copy !req
1055. Okay, well...
Time's up.Copy !req
1056. You said a second.Copy !req
1057. I want to
ask you something.Copy !req
1058. So you want to talk
for more than a second?Copy !req
1059. Yeah.Copy !req
1060. What is it then? You think,
like a couple minutes?Copy !req
1061. No. Yeah, at most, say,
like, three minutes.Copy !req
1062. Fine.Copy !req
1063. Do you really love Katie?Copy !req
1064. Not really.Copy !req
1065. Because I really
love her, man.Copy !req
1066. And if you have
one ounce of decency,Copy !req
1067. you will do the right thing
and you will let her go.Copy !req
1068. No way!
No way?Copy !req
1069. Fuck, no, dude. She's hot!
In fact, fuck off.Copy !req
1070. I will not fuck off.Copy !req
1071. You're making a really
big mistake, buddy,Copy !req
1072. because that woman
is not your plaything.Copy !req
1073. Coop, seriously.Copy !req
1074. Fuck off.Copy !req
1075. I'm sick of talking
about this with you.Copy !req
1076. God!Copy !req
1077. Whoa!Copy !req
1078. So this is the Skylab
tracking device?Copy !req
1079. Is this gonna save
my camp, Henry?Copy !req
1080. I don't know.
But if it does,
we'll all be heroes.Copy !req
1081. In fact, I just got word
that if we pull this off,Copy !req
1082. I could be up
for the Hopkins Prize
for Physics.Copy !req
1083. The Hopkins!
Baby, what a dream.Copy !req
1084. You'll finally get
your tenure.Copy !req
1085. Be proud
of who you are.Copy !req
1086. Huh?Copy !req
1087. Gene?
Shh.Copy !req
1088. It isn't
about the girl, Coop.Copy !req
1089. It isn't?Copy !req
1090. Well, it is.Copy !req
1091. But see if you
can follow me here.Copy !req
1092. It...Copy !req
1093. isn't.Copy !req
1094. Oh.Copy !req
1095. So it isCopy !req
1096. and it isn't.Copy !req
1097. You are ready to be
taught the new way.Copy !req
1098. Will you help teach me
about this...Copy !req
1099. What is it?Copy !req
1100. A "new way"?Copy !req
1101. Show me the feverCopy !req
1102. Into the fireCopy !req
1103. Taking it higher and higherCopy !req
1104. Nothing to fear
it's only desireCopy !req
1105. Taking it higher and higherCopy !req
1106. Whoo-hoo-hooCopy !req
1107. Higher, higherCopy !req
1108. Show me the feverCopy !req
1109. Into the fireCopy !req
1110. Taking it higher and higherCopy !req
1111. Nothing to fear
it's only desireCopy !req
1112. Taking it higher and higherCopy !req
1113. Whoo-hooCopy !req
1114. Abby. Abby. Abby, my lover.
My friend. Abby!Copy !req
1115. Hey, Neil, what's up?Copy !req
1116. Victor abandoned
the raft trip,Copy !req
1117. and now the kids
are about to go over
Devil's Canyon Rapids!Copy !req
1118. Where did he go?
He wanted to get
back to camp.Copy !req
1119. So you left campers
alone on the river?Copy !req
1120. Look, only Victor knows how
to navigate those rapids.Copy !req
1121. We've got to find him
and get him
back to that river.Copy !req
1122. It's him!
Victor! Victor! Victor!Copy !req
1123. We lost him, God damn it!Copy !req
1124. I've got him!
I've got him!Copy !req
1125. Where is he?
He's calling from
inside the camp.Copy !req
1126. The only other phone
is in the infirmary!
We gotta go!Copy !req
1127. Ah!Copy !req
1128. Beth, what's the matter?Copy !req
1129. The phone! The phone!Copy !req
1130. Where's the fucking phone?Copy !req
1131. In the back room.Copy !req
1132. We're losing time!Copy !req
1133. My baby!Copy !req
1134. I want to make love to you!Copy !req
1135. Abby!Copy !req
1136. Abby?Copy !req
1137. Moose?Copy !req
1138. Um, you're gonna think
this is so shallow,Copy !req
1139. but what was
your name again?Copy !req
1140. Oh, my God.Copy !req
1141. Do you have any ideaCopy !req
1142. what I had to go through
to see you?Copy !req
1143. You snooze,
you lose, dude.Copy !req
1144. Victor Pulak, there's a raft
of campers about to go over
Devil's Canyon Rapids!Copy !req
1145. Are you gonna be part
of the problem,
or are you the solution?Copy !req
1146. Let's go.Copy !req
1147. Let's go!Copy !req
1148. Here we go.Copy !req
1149. Oh, fuck my cock!Copy !req
1150. What does it say?Copy !req
1151. According to this readout,
Skylab is going to land
directly on the rec hall.Copy !req
1152. Oh, no. When?Copy !req
1153. Sometime in
the next 90 minutes.Copy !req
1154. Oh, my God!
That's only one mix tape.Copy !req
1155. The talent show's
starting right now!Copy !req
1156. Good evening, Firewood!Copy !req
1157. Are you ready
for some talent?Copy !req
1158. Beth, we have to evacuate
the rec hall immediately!
Yeah.Copy !req
1159. Victor!Copy !req
1160. Come on! Come on!Copy !req
1161. Stand back.Copy !req
1162. Whoa! Whoa!Copy !req
1163. You're a master, Vic.Copy !req
1164. What the...
What the fuck. What...Copy !req
1165. You're doing it.
You're actually doing it.Copy !req
1166. Oh! You saved them!
You saved them!
You saved them!Copy !req
1167. Victor Pulak,
you're okay by me.Copy !req
1168. I'm okay,
you're okay.Copy !req
1169. And Neil, next time
we go camping,
you drive the van.Copy !req
1170. I wish there was
another way.Copy !req
1171. Maybe we should
just let them die.Copy !req
1172. No! My friend,
Jimmy's in there.Copy !req
1173. You have a friend?
I'm kidding.Copy !req
1174. Wait a minute.Copy !req
1175. No.
What?Copy !req
1176. Well, there might be
a way that we could
use our deviceCopy !req
1177. to slightly change
its direction, but...Copy !req
1178. No, it's impossible.Copy !req
1179. Why?
What's the problem?Copy !req
1180. Well, in order to do it,
we would somehow
have to be ableCopy !req
1181. to repeatedly generate
random numbers between
one and 20Copy !req
1182. in order to calibrate
the differential.Copy !req
1183. That would take some sort
of super mainframe computerCopy !req
1184. and we, for sure,
don't have one of those.Copy !req
1185. So all is lost.Copy !req
1186. No, it's not.Copy !req
1187. Any Dungeon Master
worth his weight
in geldingsCopy !req
1188. goes nowhere
without his...Copy !req
1189. 20-sided die.Copy !req
1190. I'd like to introduce us
to the M.C. for the evening.Copy !req
1191. We brought him all the way
from Kutscher's Country Club
in the Catskill Mountains.Copy !req
1192. Wait! I have some bad news!Copy !req
1193. And my bad news is...Copy !req
1194. And my bad news is...
There is no bad news.
I was just joking.Copy !req
1195. Good one, Beth.Copy !req
1196. Let's give a Firewood welcome
to Mr. Alan Shemper!Copy !req
1197. Thank you very much.Copy !req
1198. Hello, Camp Firewood. Hello.
Thank you for having me.Copy !req
1199. You know, I went
to sleep-away camp
so long agoCopy !req
1200. that it was the Stone Age.Copy !req
1201. No, seriously, it wasn't
the Stone Age.Copy !req
1202. It was the ice age!Copy !req
1203. No, really,
it was the Stone Age.Copy !req
1204. But, folks, actually
I went to Camp Machnudin,Copy !req
1205. in the pine hills
of Westchester, New York.Copy !req
1206. And that was so long ago,Copy !req
1207. for breakfast we had to eat
scrambled pterodactyl eggsCopy !req
1208. and raptor bacon!Copy !req
1209. Back then we didn't
have cots, we had slabs.Copy !req
1210. Instead of sleeping bags,
we had sleeping pelts.Copy !req
1211. Our first act hails
all the way from
over in Bunk Two.Copy !req
1212. And his name is Roger,
"The Master Broom Balancer."Copy !req
1213. Holy cow!Copy !req
1214. Right here, right here.
Put it down.Copy !req
1215. Let's pray to God
this works.Copy !req
1216. Love will pervade us
till death separates usCopy !req
1217. We're friends,
friends, friendsCopy !req
1218. That's from us
to Bunk Seven!Copy !req
1219. Nine. Nine.
Nine or six,
what was it?Copy !req
1220. Nine!Copy !req
1221. Okay. We gotta get closer.
Give me another...Copy !req
1222. Seven.Copy !req
1223. White folks sound so stupid
when they get mad.Copy !req
1224. They be like,
"Hey, asshole, I'm going
to kick your behind."Copy !req
1225. But the brothers
don't even need
to raise their voice.Copy !req
1226. These motherfuckers
be, like,Copy !req
1227. "Don't make me say it twice."Copy !req
1228. That's true,
that's true.Copy !req
1229. I hate white people!Copy !req
1230. Be that as it may,
this next act is a guy
named Bert Flugalman.Copy !req
1231. But it says here
that you all know him as...Copy !req
1232. Moose!Copy !req
1233. Gail.Copy !req
1234. Gail.Copy !req
1235. Ron!Copy !req
1236. What are you doing here?Copy !req
1237. Gail, I've been thinking
about you a lot.Copy !req
1238. And I want you back.Copy !req
1239. Ron, I love you,Copy !req
1240. and I want to be
with you, but...Copy !req
1241. I've just had too many
woulda-coulda-shouldas
in my life.Copy !req
1242. Well, I'm just...Copy !req
1243. I'm just sick
and tired of being
sick and tired, you know?Copy !req
1244. And if you can't handle
that, Ron, well then
to hell with you!Copy !req
1245. You'll come back
to me, Gail.
I know you will.Copy !req
1246. I don't think so,
Ronald von Kleinenshtein.Copy !req
1247. I really don't think so.Copy !req
1248. And now,
Camp Fizzie-Poo,
performing the song,Copy !req
1249. Day by Day,
from the musical Godspell,Copy !req
1250. it's Susie's drama group.Copy !req
1251. Before we start,
I'd just like to sayCopy !req
1252. that the campers
you're about to see
suck dick.Copy !req
1253. Nevertheless,
please welcome them.Copy !req
1254. Day by dayCopy !req
1255. Day by dayCopy !req
1256. Oh, Dear Lord
Three things I prayCopy !req
1257. To see thee more clearlyCopy !req
1258. To love thee more dearlyCopy !req
1259. Follow thee more nearlyCopy !req
1260. Day by dayCopy !req
1261. Day by day
Day by dayCopy !req
1262. Day by day
Day by dayCopy !req
1263. Oh, Dear Lord
Three things I prayCopy !req
1264. To see thee more clearlyCopy !req
1265. Love thee more dearlyCopy !req
1266. Follow thee more nearlyCopy !req
1267. Day by dayCopy !req
1268. Day by day
by day by day by dayCopy !req
1269. Boo!Copy !req
1270. Well, well, well,
I can honestly sayCopy !req
1271. that there is
no Broadway dittyCopy !req
1272. closer to my heart than
the one you just heard,
Day Bidet.Copy !req
1273. Give me another.
Give me another.Copy !req
1274. Twenty.
There's not
much time left.Copy !req
1275. When I was at camp,
my favorite activity
was always arts and crafts.Copy !req
1276. Or as we used to call it,
arts and farts and crafts.Copy !req
1277. We used to make drawings.Copy !req
1278. Cave drawings!Copy !req
1279. Which is my way of saying
we were cavemen.Copy !req
1280. I went to camp so long ago
that I can remember saying,Copy !req
1281. "Sticks and stones
may break my bones,"
and meaning it!Copy !req
1282. I went to camp so long ago
that fucking Jesus Christ
was my counselor,Copy !req
1283. and my best friend
hadn't fully evolved yet.Copy !req
1284. His name was Ugh,
and he walked on all fours!Copy !req
1285. There were two epidemics
when I went to camp.Copy !req
1286. Head lice and the plague.
The bubonic plague.Copy !req
1287. When you look into his eyesCopy !req
1288. It comes to you
as no surpriseCopy !req
1289. It's always the sameCopy !req
1290. Katie, I came here
to tell you I'm leaving.Copy !req
1291. Uh, what?
Yeah.Copy !req
1292. I've grown up a lot
since before dinner
when we last talked.Copy !req
1293. Where are you going?Copy !req
1294. I don't know.Copy !req
1295. Maybe see the world.
I got a couple more weeks
before school starts.Copy !req
1296. But...
Hey.Copy !req
1297. I want you to have this.Copy !req
1298. Hurry up!
I think I can see it
coming towards us!Copy !req
1299. And finally,
ladies and germs,
is a dude,Copy !req
1300. who goes by the name ofCopy !req
1301. "Steve."Copy !req
1302. Let's give him a hand.Copy !req
1303. Come on, do something.Copy !req
1304. Or get the fuck
off the stage!Copy !req
1305. Is that wind?Copy !req
1306. Oh, my God.Copy !req
1307. Coop?Copy !req
1308. Coop! Coop! Coop,
don't leave.Copy !req
1309. Coop! Coop, I love you!Copy !req
1310. Yeah, I didn't know it
until this very moment,
for sure,Copy !req
1311. but now I know,
and it feels like nothing
I've ever known before.Copy !req
1312. And it feels so good.
I love you.Copy !req
1313. Show me the feverCopy !req
1314. Into the fireCopy !req
1315. Taking it higher and higherCopy !req
1316. Nothing to fear
It's only desireCopy !req
1317. Taking it higher and higherCopy !req
1318. Into this fever
Into this fireCopy !req
1319. Taking it higher and higherCopy !req
1320. Be a believer
Spirit igniterCopy !req
1321. Taking it higher and higherCopy !req
1322. How do I know
it's real this time?Copy !req
1323. Because I'm telling you.
I mean that's all I can do.Copy !req
1324. I love you.Copy !req
1325. Say it again.
I love you!Copy !req
1326. I love you,
Gerald Cooperberg!Copy !req
1327. Show me the feverCopy !req
1328. Into the fireCopy !req
1329. Taking it higher and higherCopy !req
1330. It's working!Copy !req
1331. Way to go, guys!Copy !req
1332. Beth, we did it.Copy !req
1333. Whoo!Copy !req
1334. Baby, that was beautiful!Copy !req
1335. You better write to me.
I'm gonna miss you so much!Copy !req
1336. Beth! Beth! I got it!Copy !req
1337. The Hopkins award!Copy !req
1338. And NASA is hiring me
to go to work for them
at Cape Canaveral, Florida.Copy !req
1339. I'll have
a whole new life!Copy !req
1340. That's wonderful.Copy !req
1341. I knew this would happen.Copy !req
1342. I would meet you
and fall in love with you
and you would leave me.Copy !req
1343. Wait, hold on, Beth.
I've already told them,Copy !req
1344. I need an apartment
for two people.Copy !req
1345. And they'll fly you
back here every summer.Copy !req
1346. Fuck you!Copy !req
1347. And, Beth, I know we've
been having trouble with,
you know...Copy !req
1348. But I was thinking
when the time comes,
we can adopt.Copy !req
1349. Shh. It's happened.Copy !req
1350. I'm pregnant.
We're gonna have a baby.Copy !req
1351. Oh. Oh, baby!Copy !req
1352. Goodbye, Beth.Copy !req
1353. Oh, hey!Copy !req
1354. Looks like everything
worked out for you two.Copy !req
1355. Yeah, it's the best thing
that's ever happened
in my life.Copy !req
1356. I hope you like
shrimp cocktail,
because we want youCopy !req
1357. to be the guest of honor
at our wedding next week.Copy !req
1358. We would be delighted,
but I hope it's not
jumbo shrimp,Copy !req
1359. because I'm allergic
to oxymorons.Copy !req
1360. Bye.
Bye.Copy !req
1361. We saved everyone's life
and they'll never know it.Copy !req
1362. I almost like it
better that way.Copy !req
1363. It was us rolling the dice
that diverted it, right?Copy !req
1364. Not the enormous
gust of wind, right?Copy !req
1365. Right.Copy !req
1366. I feel like
this entire summer,
which kind of sucked,Copy !req
1367. has been rejuvenated
by the events
of the past 24 hours.Copy !req
1368. Yeah, it's like...Copy !req
1369. Well, forget it.Copy !req
1370. You know what?
What?Copy !req
1371. You guys are
my best friends.Copy !req
1372. Well, you're my
only friends.Copy !req
1373. Yeah.
Nanoo-nanoo.Copy !req
1374. So this is it, babe.Copy !req
1375. Yep.Copy !req
1376. So, obviously I think
we should get together
in the city next weekend.Copy !req
1377. I'll call my parents,
and you can talk
to your dad and Kim.Copy !req
1378. Listen, Coop.Copy !req
1379. Last night was really great.
You were incredibly
romantic and heroic.Copy !req
1380. No doubt about it.
And that's great.Copy !req
1381. But I've thought about it,
and my thing is this.Copy !req
1382. Andy's really hot.
And don't get me wrong,
you're cute, too.Copy !req
1383. But Andy is, like,
cut from marble.
He's gorgeous.Copy !req
1384. He's like this
beautiful faceCopy !req
1385. and this incredible body,Copy !req
1386. and I genuinely don't care
that he's kind of lame.Copy !req
1387. I don't even care
that he cheats on me.Copy !req
1388. And I like you more
than I like Andy, Coop,
but I'm 16.Copy !req
1389. And maybe it will be
a different story,Copy !req
1390. like, when I'm ready
to get married,Copy !req
1391. but right now,
I'm entirely about sex.
I just want Andy.Copy !req
1392. Yeah.
I wanna take him,Copy !req
1393. and grab him and just fuck
his brains out, you know?Copy !req
1394. So that's where my
priorities are right now.Copy !req
1395. Sex. Specifically,
with Andy and
not with you.Copy !req
1396. But you're really nice.
I mean, everybody thinks so.Copy !req
1397. And I'm sorry if this
isn't the direction that you
saw things going between us.Copy !req
1398. I still totally
want to be friends.Copy !req
1399. You better write me
a letter, okay?Copy !req
1400. Sure.Copy !req
1401. Cool?Copy !req
1402. Katie, let's go.Copy !req
1403. How you doing?Copy !req
1404. Good.Copy !req
1405. In this wet hot
American summerCopy !req
1406. You're my wet hot
American dreamCopy !req
1407. That is if you notice meCopy !req
1408. Then who knows
what the summer
could bringCopy !req
1409. YeahCopy !req
1410. SummerCopy !req
1411. I'm feeling kinda restlessCopy !req
1412. I'm feeling all mixed upCopy !req
1413. I'm feeling like
the girl I wantCopy !req
1414. Is gonna show me
what she's made ofCopy !req
1415. Why can't I be the boy
that everybody loves?Copy !req
1416. Why can't I be the boy
that everybody loves?Copy !req
1417. American summerCopy !req
1418. I'm sorry, I'm late.
I thought we said 9:30.Copy !req
1419. No, we said 9:00
so we could be here
by 9:30.Copy !req