1. Guys, we gotta
get outta here.
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2. You guys aren't
supposed to be
out of your bunks.
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3. You're in trouble.
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4. Wake up!
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5. Standing in the rain,
with his head hung low
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6. Couldn't get a ticket
It was a sold-out show
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7. Heard the roar of the crowd
He could picture the scene
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8. Put his head to the wall,
and like a distant scream
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9. I'm up!
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10. He heard one guitar
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11. It just blew him away
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12. You guys!
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13. Let's go, girls!
You look hot.
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14. Okay, the Bunk Five boys
are gonna freak out
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15. when they see you
at kick ball. Let's go.
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16. Ow!
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17. All right, let's go.
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18. Good morning, everybody.
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19. Well, it's the
last day of camp.
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20. And it will be sad
to shut down WCFW
for the summer.
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21. But not to worry,
because those of you in the
Bethesda-Chevy Chase area
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22. can hear me all winter long
on Jewish Day School Radio,
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23. 89.9 FM, The Fox.
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24. For those select few of you
who went all summer,
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25. all eight weeks
without finding
that special someone,
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26. today is your day,
because you don't
wanna go back home
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27. and lie to your friends
about a summer romance
that didn't even happen.
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28. And you don't want
to be the one person
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29. who doesn't have
anyone to kiss tonight
after the talent show.
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30. So seize the day,
Camp Firewood,
because it's your last.
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31. Coop, do you like
watching me and Andy
make out?
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32. No. What a weird
thing to say.
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33. God. Coop, you know,
you look so sexy
in this sweatshirt.
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34. Uh-huh.
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35. Your ass is so hot.
Stop it.
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36. Do you want
to be my boyfriend?
No.
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37. I get it.
It's very funny. Stop.
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38. Oh, Coop, you know
I'm just kidding.
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39. Come on.
I know, and it's
very, very funny.
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40. Okay, I'm sorry.
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41. Want me to make
it up to you?
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42. No, you've done
enough already.
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43. Coop, I'm gonna
find you a woman today.
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44. Honestly,
don't worry about it.
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45. No. And I'm not gonna
rest until my mission
is accomplished, okay?
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46. Okay. Well, then I guess
I'll cancel that order
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47. of onions
and Limburger cheese
I made for lunch today.
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48. Ha ha!
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49. Yeah.
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50. I want you inside me.
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51. What?
Hmm?
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52. Oh, hey, what's up?
I was just...
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53. From before.
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54. Coop, were you
just talking to Katie?
What was that?
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55. That was, bar none,
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56. the longest conversation
I've ever had with her
in six years of camp.
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57. Does she want to fuck me?
Is that what she was
asking you about?
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58. Because, tell her
that I will. In fact...
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59. No, don't tell her
that I will.
Tell her that I might.
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60. Victor, I hate to break it
to you, but your name
didn't even come up.
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61. Oh, she definitely
wants to fuck me.
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62. I mean, why else
would she be
talking to you?
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63. No offense.
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64. None taken.
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65. Hello. Hi.
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66. Hello. Uh, hi.
Hi, I'm Beth.
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67. Oh! Nice to meet you.
I'm Henry.
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68. Yeah, I've been
seeing you around,
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69. so I thought
I'd take a chance
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70. and "introduce" myself.
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71. Thank you.
So...
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72. So you work at the camp?
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73. Yeah, I'm the camp director.
How about yourself?
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74. Me? No. I don't
work over there.
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75. No, I know.
I'm the director.
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76. I would know If you were.
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77. Oh! Right.
You would know that.
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78. I teach astrophysics
over at the college
in the school year,
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79. and I came here
this summer just to,
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80. you know,
relax and reflect.
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81. Wow! You're a professor.
So, what do you teach?
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82. Well, you know,
like I said before,
astrophysics.
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83. I study space, stars, comets
and that kind of thing.
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84. "The final frontier."
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85. Right. Thanks for everything.
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86. Hey! You know what?
You know what would
be a great idea
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87. if you came by the camp
and taught the campers
about space.
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88. No, I couldn't.
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89. Oh, they'd love it.
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90. No, I couldn't possibly.
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91. It would be just...
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92. I said no!
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93. Sorry. That was...
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94. Oh, Coop.
Look at Abby.
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95. Oh, she wants to fuck me.
So help me, God,
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96. she wants to fuck me.
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97. And this time, Victor,
I'm sure it's true.
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98. I have to admit,
Abby Bernstein is one
of the only berry bushes
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99. that I have
yet to pollinate,
if you get my meaning.
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100. Yeah, you mean she's the
only girl at camp you
haven't done it with yet?
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101. That's exactly
what I mean.
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102. Hey, Gene.
Any mashed potatoes?
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103. Gary! Bring out
the taters!
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104. - Here they are.
- Hey, Gary.
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105. Hey, dude,
what's up?
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106. Hey, guys.
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107. What'd you say, shithead?
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108. I said, "Hey, guys."
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109. What's your glitch, Gene?
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110. Listen to me, you fucked-up
little cigarette-smoking
piece of shit.
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111. I was in the Vietnam War.
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112. I know.
Oh, yeah.
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113. The 'Nam.
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114. Excuse me, ladies.
You may remember me
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115. as the guy who came
to dinner a few weeks ago
with underwear on my head.
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116. My name is Keith Stack.
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117. From Millburn, New Jersey.
State bird, the mosquito.
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118. And as you may have heard,
I am recently
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119. a crowned class B
Dungeon Master.
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120. So if any of you
would like to play
D&D today,
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121. please speak now
or forever hold your peace.
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122. Anyone?
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123. Alexa, maybe you'd
like to join in?
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124. We do need a druid,
and you have
definitely cast
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125. a level 5 charm spell on me.
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126. In your dreams,
douche bag.
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127. Douche bags are
hygienic products.
I take that as a compliment.
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128. Thank you.
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129. Ew! Ew!
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130. Well, we made it to the end
of the summer in one piece,
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131. except for a few campers
who are lepers.
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132. Good one, Beth.
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133. Thank you, Gene.
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134. Excuse me.
Could you tell me where
I could find the, uh...
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135. How do I put this?
The, uh, sci-fi,
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136. nerdy...
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137. The indoor kids?
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138. Bunk Three.
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139. Oh, yeah. Thanks.
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140. Hey, guys.
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141. I'm Associate
Professor Newman.
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142. Who'd like to spend
the last day at camp
doing science projects?
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143. Okay, okay.
Okay, cool.
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144. I've seen more
fucked-up shit happen
in five minutes out there
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145. than you'll see
in your whole fucking life.
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146. Yeah, well, Gene,
I'm really sorry, you know.
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147. If I could change history,
I would.
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148. Fuck you! Now, we need to
make eight gallons of
bug juice by snack hour.
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149. Do you know where
the powder packets are?
Yeah.
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150. In the pantry over the sink,
right next to my bottle
of dick cream!
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151. Wait.
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152. Ignore that last comment.
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153. Did you say dick cream?
No.
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154. I said "stick team."
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155. You know, stick team?
Stickball? Forget about it.
Go away! Leave me alone.
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156. I'm pretty sure he said
dick cream, but...
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157. Victor.
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158. I need you and Neil
to take the Eagles out
on Moose River today.
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159. I made them a promise.
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160. It's the last day
of camp, Beth.
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161. It's not gonna work for me.
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162. Oh, it's not gonna
work for you?
No.
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163. It's not gonna work for you.
Okay, how about this
as a compromise?
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164. The Eagles are going
to go out on Moose River,
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165. and you and Neil
are going to take them.
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166. What?
Hey, you guys!
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167. Everybody focus up, okay?
All eyes here.
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168. I would like to announce
that Ben and I are planning
to produce a musical number
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169. from Godspell for
the talent show tonight.
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170. I'm sorry.
Ben is producing, I am
directing/choreographing.
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171. I'm only speaking
from personal experience,
but if you can't carry a tune,
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172. don't come into
the audition environment
and waste our time.
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173. For serious, okay?
Okay. And bring a lot
of movement clothes,
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174. aka jazz shoes,
dance belts, lycras, et al.
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175. And seriously,
FYI, you guys,
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176. this is not an excuse
to get out of your
regular activities.
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177. This is an excuse to do
some good musical theater.
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178. So be prepared,
be enthusiastic,
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179. and leave
your bullshit attitude
and baggage at the door,
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180. because we don't need it!
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181. Hey, you guys!
Everybody focus up!
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182. Oh, I was thinking maybe
we could take a walk later,
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183. maybe go out
to Gunner's Pass
one last time.
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184. God damn it, Katie!
You're suffocating me!
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185. I'm chokin', all right?
Give me some breathing room.
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186. I just want to spend
some time with you, you know.
It's our last day at camp.
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187. My butt itches.
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188. What are you
talking about?
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189. Hey, we're
soul mates, right?
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190. What? Yeah.
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191. Whatever, if you want.
J.J. , save me a waffle, man.
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192. Andy, I'm serious.
Come on.
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193. I just want it
to be special.
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194. Fuck you, dyke!
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195. Why are you being
such an asshole?
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196. I gotta finish
my breakfast.
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197. I love you, baby.
So good talking to you.
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198. Yeah, well,
see you in macrame.
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199. One last, successful
B-K-F-S-T
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200. becomes one
for the record books.
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201. And with T minus 11 hours
to the big talent show,
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202. we sail on aboard
the good ship Firewood
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203. toward a little oasis
that I like to call,
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204. "Morning activity time."
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205. What's going on
with Silas?
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206. You didn't hear?
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207. He got kicked
out of camp.
Why?
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208. He snuck into the office
last night and videotaped
himself jerking off.
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209. You're kidding!
Where's the tape?
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210. He hid it.
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211. Man, we gotta
get that tape.
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212. Oh, it's a subject matter
I'm sure you're
familiar with, McKinley.
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213. Shut up, J.J.
You shut up.
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214. You shut up.
You shut up.
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215. Ah!
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216. One, two, three, four.
One, two, three, four.
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217. And one, and one.
Other side. Other side.
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218. All right. Stop it!
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219. Okay, kids. Um, today
we're going to use some
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220. crayons to make
some decorations
for the talent show.
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221. Is that your
wedding ring, Gail?
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222. Um, no.
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223. I mean, yes, actually.
Yes, it is. It was.
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224. It was. It used to be,
I mean, legally.
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225. It's so twisted.
His lawyer won't even
call me now.
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226. Where are the crayons?
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227. The crayons are...
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228. The crayon is right there.
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229. We could draw
with the markers.
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230. Listen, Valerie,
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231. I need you to be
helpful here, okay?
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232. I do not need you
to undermine me, okay?
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233. But there's only
one crayon left,
and it's brown.
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234. There are literally hundreds
of colored markers.
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235. Hey.
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236. Going on your trip?
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237. Yep.
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238. Sucks dick we never
really got to know
each other, you know?
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239. Yeah.
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240. You got a stick
of gum, Victor?
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241. I thought
you'd never ask.
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242. Abby!
What?
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243. My trip...
It doesn't come back
until tomorrow.
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244. Don't go.
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245. I can't, because
Beth told me...
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246. Let's go!
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247. I'll be back tonight.
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248. Tonight.
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249. This is "The Beekeeper,"
here on Camp Firewood Radio.
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250. I've got my drones
working hard on
a breakfast time rock...
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251. Hey.
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252. Arty, I need you
to take a shower.
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253. Okay.
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254. 'Cause your parents are
coming tomorrow. I don't
want to get in trouble.
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255. Sure.
Because you haven't taken
a shower once yet this summer.
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256. Fine. No problem.
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257. Arty, take a shower.
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258. You're covered in dirt.
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259. Fine.
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260. This is Arty Solomon here,
alias, "The Beekeeper."
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261. You guys, I'm really
gonna miss this place.
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262. Me, too.
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263. Hey, let's all promise
that in 10 years from today,
we'll meet again
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264. and we'll see
what kind of people
we've blossomed into.
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265. Yeah!
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266. What time
you wanna meet?
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267. You mean
10 years from now?
Yeah.
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268. Let's meet in the morning
so we can make a day of it.
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269. Okay, so what is it?
Is it like 9:00 or 9:30?
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270. Let's say 9:00, that way
we can be here by 9:30.
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271. Why don't we say 9:30,
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272. and then make it
your beeswax
to be here at 9:30?
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273. We're all gonna be
in our late 20's by then.
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274. I just don't see
any reason why we can't
be places on time.
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275. Okay, then.
It's settled.
9:30 it is.
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276. - All agreed?
- Agreed.
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277. Great, because I have
something at 11:00.
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278. You've just got
a Trapper Keeper full
of appointments, right?
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279. No, I just have
something at 11:00
Copy !req
280. that I can't change it,
because I already
moved it twice.
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281. What are you looking at?
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282. Is there a UFO
in the sky?
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283. No, no. It's nothing
you need worry about.
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284. Yet.
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285. Andy? Are you
gonna clean that up?
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286. Oh, yeah, I will.
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287. Uh, I just got...
I don't have time right now.
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288. Clean it up
and come to my office
for the meeting.
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289. I gotta...
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290. Damn!
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291. Gail, are you okay?
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292. Yeah, I'm okay.
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293. It's just that
my husband Ron...
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294. You know...
No, he's my ex-husband.
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295. I guess I have
to get used to that.
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296. I have to get used
to saying ex, ex, ex.
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297. He's my ex, ex-husband.
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298. You know, it's just
that I thought, like,
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299. when Jonas and I separated,
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300. I thought that
everything was lost.
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301. And then I met Ron
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302. and it just seemed like
everything was gonna
work out, you know?
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303. Gail.
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304. Keep going.
We're with you.
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305. I'm a total wreck!
I don't even know
where the crayons are.
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306. I'm a loser.
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307. I know, I know.
Gail, listen to me.
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308. Ron's who he is and
you can't change that.
I know.
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309. Okay?
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310. Gail, listen to me.
Look at me.
I am.
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311. Gail, look at me.
Gail, look at me.
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312. I want you
to say, "Okay."
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313. Why?
Copy !req
314. I want you
to say, "Okay."
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315. Okay.
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316. Okay. Good.
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317. I'd like to take
this opportunity
to thank you all
Copy !req
318. for making
the last eight weeks,
Copy !req
319. without rival,
the best summer
of my entire life.
Copy !req
320. Okay, let's get
to the business.
Copy !req
321. Okay. Coop, the camp goat
took a shit in the infirmary.
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322. I need you to take
care of that, please.
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323. That's impossible!
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324. No, it is possible,
and it happened.
On my shoes.
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325. Abby, Bunk Eight
wants to watch
The China Syndrome again,
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326. so you have to run
the Betamax.
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327. Again?
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328. What can I say?
They love it. McKinley.
Copy !req
329. Four lower campers
Copy !req
330. are stuck in the ropes course.
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331. I meant to tell you
about that yesterday,
but could you get to it now?
Copy !req
332. And last,
but certainly not least,
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333. tonight is
the big talent show.
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334. We have a lot
of hard work
ahead of us.
Copy !req
335. A few ground rules...
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336. Hey. Hey!
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337. I'm serious here.
I am not joking around.
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338. I am not...
I am not Ruth Buzzi
standing here.
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339. I am no Ruth Buzzi
standing here!
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340. Steve?
What you got there?
Copy !req
341. I have been programmed
Copy !req
342. by my galactic master
Copy !req
343. not to talk
to Earth denizens
Copy !req
344. of classification J.J.
and McKinley-izoid.
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345. Your brother
is such a freak.
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346. I know.
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347. Katie, you're hot, right?
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348. By all accounts,
you would be
considered hot.
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349. Is that correct?
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350. Uh, I suppose so.
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351. Okay. So if one
wanted to be hot
Copy !req
352. and make a good impression,
what would you wear?
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353. You put on a clean
pair of pants?
Copy !req
354. Beth, come on. Pants?
Are you kidding?
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355. Yes. Pants.
Of course I'm kidding.
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356. You didn't get that
I'm kidding?
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357. Unless you're kidding.
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358. Because pants, Katie.
Come on, please. Pants.
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359. So would you...
Slacks? Pants?
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360. I don't know. I think
I'd wear a sexy dress
or something.
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361. That... Oh, you're good.
Sexy dress.
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362. Okay.
Uh, that's "A."
Copy !req
363. Um, what else...
What else would one do
if one were...
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364. I'd do my hair.
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365. Oh, get out of town!
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366. I'm not
getting out of town,
I'm serious.
Copy !req
367. And I'd use
a little mousse.
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368. Moose, as in...
Copy !req
369. No, "mousse"
for your hair.
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370. Right! Right!
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371. Okay.
What?
Copy !req
372. Wait a minute, Beth.
Are you...
Copy !req
373. Huh? What's up?
Copy !req
374. You dog! You have
a crush on somebody!
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375. I do have a crush.
I just don't believe
that he's interested.
Copy !req
376. What?
Copy !req
377. Beth, do not worry.
Come with me and I will
mousse you up. Come on.
Copy !req
378. Hey, Andy,
can I take out the motorboat
and drive around the lake?
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379. Sure.
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380. Wow! Thanks.
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381. Just make sure
you fill it up with gas
when you're done,
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382. and watch out...
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383. Yeah, whatever.
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384. Man, I'd give anything
for two minutes in
the closet with Lindsay.
Copy !req
385. What about Katie?
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386. Who?
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387. Excellent.
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388. Hey. Whatcha writing on?
Copy !req
389. My gurnal.
Copy !req
390. I write my thoughts
in it every day.
Copy !req
391. Oh, you mean a journal.
Copy !req
392. Yeah, whatever.
Copy !req
393. Guess I'm not
all smart like you.
Copy !req
394. Can I see
what you're writing?
Copy !req
395. Actually, Lindsay,
only three people
are allowed to look at this.
Copy !req
396. Me, myself and I.
Copy !req
397. But I want you
to share it with me.
Copy !req
398. Hey!
Copy !req
399. Let's see.
Debbie Waxman?
Copy !req
400. No. She makes
that weird piggy face
when she talks, you know?
Copy !req
401. Yeah. Okay, good.
No piggy face.
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402. Rachel Schwartz.
No.
Copy !req
403. Come on,
she's a slut.
She'll go.
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404. I'll pass.
Copy !req
405. Yeah, you're not
really a slut type.
Copy !req
406. Yes, I am.
I love sluts.
Copy !req
407. Sluts rock. No,
it's just gotta be
the right slut.
Copy !req
408. What about Susie?
Copy !req
409. Yeah. I could
go for Susie.
Copy !req
410. She and I went out
my first summer here.
Copy !req
411. When you were 10?
Copy !req
412. Yeah, we were 10,
but we were into
some pretty heavy shit.
Copy !req
413. What? Did you go all the way?
Copy !req
414. Yeah, you bet
we went all the way.
We went all the way.
Copy !req
415. Went all the way
back, too.
Copy !req
416. We did doggy style,
pony style.
Copy !req
417. Style Council.
That's a good band.
They're hot right now.
Copy !req
418. Human League.
They have some good stuff.
Copy !req
419. League of Nations.
That brings in the whole
thing of the United Nations.
Copy !req
420. That brings in
the whole category
of countries.
Copy !req
421. Where to start?
Well, the obvious one,
Copy !req
422. the birthplace
of spaghetti and pasta,
all that oily stuff. Italy.
Copy !req
423. Now you go.
Copy !req
424. Um...
Copy !req
425. How about Italy?
Copy !req
426. Yeah, good! It's safe.
Copy !req
427. Plus, I kind
of paved the way
with that one, but...
Copy !req
428. What?
Copy !req
429. - What?
- Hey, guys.
Copy !req
430. Hi, Nancy.
Copy !req
431. Hi, Katie.
Copy !req
432. Coop, goat shit.
Copy !req
433. Andy! Help me!
I fell off the boat!
Copy !req
434. You French great.
Andy!
Copy !req
435. You're not so bad
yourself, Mr. Man.
Copy !req
436. Andy, help me!
I can't swim!
Copy !req
437. Cut it out, Bobby.
You're fine.
Copy !req
438. For Christ's sake, Andy,
help me, I'm drowning!
Copy !req
439. No, you can't
hear the ocean,
Copy !req
440. but you can
learn a great deal
about our world.
Copy !req
441. Hi, guys.
Copy !req
442. Hey, Beth.
Copy !req
443. Like the new look.
Très chic.
Copy !req
444. Thank you, Henry.
Copy !req
445. Please, call me Henry.
Copy !req
446. Okay, Henry it is.
Copy !req
447. So. I see you decided to come
teach the campers, Henry.
Copy !req
448. Yeah. I'm sorry
I snapped at you before.
Copy !req
449. I'm just a little shy
around children.
But it's been great!
Copy !req
450. I've got them making
miniature black holes
with paper clips and soot.
Copy !req
451. Oh. What you do
is so fascinating!
Copy !req
452. You really
like astrophysics?
Copy !req
453. I love it!
It's my biggest hobby.
I love it.
Copy !req
454. Really? Okay.
Who's your favorite
astrophysicist?
Copy !req
455. My...
I totally know
this one.
Copy !req
456. Anyone...
Copy !req
457. What time is it?
Copy !req
458. 9:00, 9:30.
Copy !req
459. I'm so late.
I have to go meet
Jim Stansel.
Copy !req
460. You know Jim?
Uh-huh.
Copy !req
461. He's that guy.
Copy !req
462. So I'll talk
to you later. Okay?
Copy !req
463. Okay.
Okay.
Copy !req
464. Okay. Okay.
Later, then.
Copy !req
465. Andy, have you seen
my swimming buddy?
Copy !req
466. Um...
If I can't find him,
Copy !req
467. I'm telling Beth
that you let him drown.
Copy !req
468. I was busy.
Copy !req
469. It's your job to make sure
kids don't drown.
Copy !req
470. Lindsay, I need, like,
20 minutes, all right?
Copy !req
471. Gotta talk to this kid.
Copy !req
472. Andy,
where are we going?
Copy !req
473. To a big,
secret pizza party.
Copy !req
474. Wow! Cool.
I love pizza.
Copy !req
475. Yeah, well...
Copy !req
476. Nancy! Hello.
Copy !req
477. If I was looking for
a book on astrophysics,
where would I find one?
Copy !req
478. Off the top of my head,
I'd have to say a bookstore.
Copy !req
479. Or a library.
Copy !req
480. Right. Just curious.
Keep up the good work.
Copy !req
481. Okay.
Copy !req
482. Excuse me.
Uh, Nancy.
Copy !req
483. Say I wanted to get
a book on, um...
Copy !req
484. What?
Copy !req
485. Camp directing, I guess.
Would that be...
Copy !req
486. Henry.
Copy !req
487. Henry! Library.
Copy !req
488. Ooh.
Copy !req
489. Thank you!
Copy !req
490. Beth! Beth!
Copy !req
491. Beth! Beth!
Copy !req
492. If you're going into town,
can you pick me up
Copy !req
493. something at the drugstore?
Copy !req
494. Beth, come on.
Copy !req
495. My husband's coming today
and I need some lube.
Copy !req
496. For my pussy.
Copy !req
497. Oh, cool!
Copy !req
498. Beth's going into town.
Let's go! Beth, wait, wait!
Copy !req
499. No, no, no.
No, no, no, no.
Copy !req
500. Come on, Coop!
Come on!
Copy !req
501. Whoo!
Copy !req
502. Come on.
Copy !req
503. Hey, guys,
how was Waterville?
Copy !req
504. It was really fun.
Copy !req
505. It's always fun
to get away from camp,
even for an hour.
Copy !req
506. Hey, Katie!
I'll see you later, maybe?
Copy !req
507. Definitely.
Copy !req
508. Hey, you guys, wait up!
Copy !req
509. How far away is
this goddamn river?
Copy !req
510. It's at least two hours, Vic.
Copy !req
511. Please. Try to
forget about Abby.
Copy !req
512. I can't, Neil, okay?
This is my only chance.
Copy !req
513. What are you
talking about?
Copy !req
514. I'm gonna tell you something,
but I swear to God,
if you tell anybody...
Copy !req
515. I swear to God!
Copy !req
516. What?
Copy !req
517. I'm a virgin.
Copy !req
518. You're joking.
Right, dude?
Copy !req
519. You're the stallion.
You've had like 50 or
60 women, so I mean...
Copy !req
520. Actually,
it's closer to
Copy !req
521. zero.
Copy !req
522. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Copy !req
523. You're a loser.
You are a loser!
Copy !req
524. Oh, my God. Don't!
Copy !req
525. You're such a loser.
Copy !req
526. What?
Copy !req
527. What?
Copy !req
528. You listen to me,
Mr. Kickass.
Copy !req
529. Mr. Rubber-burner.
Copy !req
530. You wipe that hotshot
grin off your face
or I'll shoot it off you.
Copy !req
531. You got that?
Now finish up
them taters.
Copy !req
532. I'm gonna go
fondle my sweaters.
Copy !req
533. Come on. What?
Copy !req
534. Finish up the taters.
And then what did you say?
Copy !req
535. And then what did I say?
Copy !req
536. You said you were gonna
go fondle your sweaters.
Copy !req
537. I... No, I didn't.
Copy !req
538. I said I'm gonna
fondue with cheddar.
Copy !req
539. I was thinking about making
fondue with cheddar cheese
for dinner tonight.
Copy !req
540. No, Gene, that is
not what you said.
Copy !req
541. It is what I said.
Copy !req
542. Fondue with cheddar.
Copy !req
543. Okay, fine.
Copy !req
544. Okay, see you later.
Copy !req
545. See you.
Copy !req
546. I'm just gonna
stop by my bunk
for a real quick sec.
Copy !req
547. Maybe you should
talk to him.
Copy !req
548. So, then,
Rabbi Rothstein says,
"Sim, sim, sim, sim, ata..."
Copy !req
549. Hey, McKinley.
Copy !req
550. Did you take
that shower yet?
Copy !req
551. Yeah, of course.
Copy !req
552. Did you?
Copy !req
553. No.
Take a shower.
Copy !req
554. Sorry, folks for
the "coitus interruptus,"
if you will.
Copy !req
555. I know you're all hungry
for the picnic,
Copy !req
556. so don't eat too many
barbecued bovine muscles.
Copy !req
557. Those being hamburgers.
Thank you.
Copy !req
558. Gail, if I could just
interject something here.
Copy !req
559. This is gonna sound
like I'm putting down
my own gender,
Copy !req
560. but the truth is,
a lot of the time
men can be real,
Copy !req
561. and excuse the Yiddish,
insensitive schmucks.
Copy !req
562. It's true.
Copy !req
563. I know. I know.
Copy !req
564. It's just that
I'm 34-years-old,
you know?
Copy !req
565. I'm just afraid I'm never
gonna meet anybody.
Copy !req
566. Shh. Just breathe.
It's so sad.
Copy !req
567. Breathe. Shh. Just breathe.
Copy !req
568. Feels so good.
Copy !req
569. Oh, God!
Copy !req
570. Your hands are magic.
Copy !req
571. There you go.
Copy !req
572. You, my friend,
are a magician.
Copy !req
573. Okay!
Copy !req
574. Everyone! Immediately!
Out of the van.
Copy !req
575. Get out of the van.
Out. Out.
Copy !req
576. What are you doing?
I'm going back to camp.
Copy !req
577. I'll come back
in the morning
and pick you up.
Copy !req
578. Wait. Just wait a second.
Copy !req
579. What, Neil?
Copy !req
580. Well, just wait a minute.
You can't get there
and back by sunup.
Copy !req
581. I am going to be
with Abby Bernstein
tonight,
Copy !req
582. and if you don't like it,
you know what?
Copy !req
583. You could just go ahead
and fuck yourself!
Copy !req
584. Hey!
Copy !req
585. You're making
a big mistake,
Victor Pulak.
Copy !req
586. A big mistake.
Copy !req
587. Even though
we ain't got money
Copy !req
588. I'm so in love
with you, honey
Copy !req
589. And everything will bring
a chain of love, yeah
Copy !req
590. In the morning when I rise...
Copy !req
591. Oh, fuck!
Copy !req
592. Oh, shit!
Copy !req
593. Abby!
Copy !req
594. In the morning when I rise
Copy !req
595. You bring a tear
of joy to my eyes
Copy !req
596. Hey, Abby.
Copy !req
597. I thought this was
a different bunk.
Copy !req
598. No.
Copy !req
599. Am I bothering you?
Copy !req
600. No, not at all.
Copy !req
601. You wanna come
sit on the bed?
Copy !req
602. That sucks!
Copy !req
603. Wait for me,
Abby Bernstein.
Copy !req
604. Wait for me,
my darling.
Copy !req
605. Mmm.
Wait, wait, wait.
Copy !req
606. What? What?
Copy !req
607. I just want
to take off my shirt.
Copy !req
608. Where are we going?
Copy !req
609. I don't know.
Victor took the maps.
Shut up and paddle.
Copy !req
610. I want Victor back.
Copy !req
611. We all want him
back, Sammy, but
he's not coming back.
Copy !req
612. My name isn't Sammy.
Copy !req
613. We'll die without him.
He's the only one
who can navigate the river.
Copy !req
614. Fine, you're right.
I'll find the son of a gun.
Copy !req
615. I'll bring him back here
if it's the last thing
I do, dead or alive.
Copy !req
616. Alive.
We want him alive.
Copy !req
617. Okay. Wait here.
Copy !req
618. Okay. Okay.
Copy !req
619. All right.
Copy !req
620. Oh, my God!
Copy !req
621. Look at
Lindsay's chicken wings.
Copy !req
622. Debbie Epstein
has, like, Playboy titties!
Copy !req
623. It's just like Klute!
Copy !req
624. Holy shit, you guys!
Look, look, look.
Copy !req
625. Bend over, yes.
Take 'em off,
take 'em off. Yes! Yes!
Copy !req
626. Guys, I'm gonna catch up
with you later, okay?
Copy !req
627. Dude, that's kind of sad.
Copy !req
628. He gets so uncomfortable
whenever we talk openly
about sexual issues.
Copy !req
629. You know, he's never
been with a girl before.
Copy !req
630. McKinley needs
to experience the ultimate.
Copy !req
631. And I think you know
what I'm talking about.
Copy !req
632. You mean
penis in vagina?
Copy !req
633. No, dickhead. Sex.
Copy !req
634. Oh, oh, oh.
Copy !req
635. They're total nymphos!
Copy !req
636. Throw the ball!
Copy !req
637. Yes!
Copy !req
638. I'm sure we can convince
one of the girls from
Bunk Ten to boink McKinley.
Copy !req
639. They're really horny
this summer.
Copy !req
640. Where did he go, anyway?
Copy !req
641. I don't know.
He probably went to go
Copy !req
642. write his mommy
and daddy a letter
or something.
Copy !req
643. What a fag!
Copy !req
644. Who are we gonna
set him up with?
Copy !req
645. How about Debbie?
Copy !req
646. No, she's got mono.
Right.
Copy !req
647. How about Debbie?
Who?
Copy !req
648. You know,
Debbie Debbie.
Copy !req
649. Oh, Debbie Debbie.
No, she's his cousin.
Copy !req
650. How about tall Debbie?
Copy !req
651. Too tall.
Yeah.
Copy !req
652. How about
Debbie Freeman?
She's in heat!
Copy !req
653. Yeah, she wants
to French.
Copy !req
654. No, you shithead.
She wants to get boned.
Copy !req
655. Then I want her.
Copy !req
656. You're
being ridiculous.
Copy !req
657. I'm not
being ridiculous!
I'm just saying I want her.
Copy !req
658. This isn't about you.
This is about McKinley.
Copy !req
659. Haven't you been
listening to what
we've been saying?
Copy !req
660. We're trying
to get our friend
McKinley laid.
Copy !req
661. Ah! Point taken.
Copy !req
662. Okay. Tonight.
Copy !req
663. Get McKinley laid.
Copy !req
664. Come hell
or high water?
Copy !req
665. Secret handshake?
Copy !req
666. Get McKinley laid!
Get McKinley laid!
Copy !req
667. As everybody knows,
today is the big culminating,
climactic softball game
Copy !req
668. against evil
Camp Tiger Claw.
Copy !req
669. Boo!
Copy !req
670. We have put together
an unlikely
Copy !req
671. team of misfits,
and we've been training
like crazy all summer.
Copy !req
672. Yeah, it's a motley crew
that you'd think
Copy !req
673. would never be able
to win a single game.
Copy !req
674. We had a kooky
training period
where it seemed like...
Copy !req
675. Well, it seemed like
nothing was gonna go right.
But, guys,
Copy !req
676. somehow we made it
to the finals.
Copy !req
677. So I say, when those
anonymously evil campers
from Tiger Claw get here,
Copy !req
678. we give it our best shot,
and we try to come from
behind at the last minute
Copy !req
679. with some weird trick play
that we made up
and we win the game.
Copy !req
680. What do you say, team?
Copy !req
681. It sounds like pretty
well-worn territory.
Copy !req
682. The whole thing
feels kind of trite.
I say we forget it.
Copy !req
683. Is that how
everybody feels?
Copy !req
684. Yeah.
Copy !req
685. Well,
it's fine with me...
Copy !req
686. So listen,
they just aren't into it.
It's kind of trite.
Copy !req
687. Oh, yeah, you're right.
No problem, man.
Copy !req
688. It's sort of hackneyed.
Copy !req
689. Tried and
done before.
Copy !req
690. See you later, man.
Copy !req
691. It's no big deal.
They were totally
cool with it.
Copy !req
692. Okay? All right.
Copy !req
693. Dude! Susie is gonna score
with McKinley.
Copy !req
694. Well, then he's gonna
need some eyewitnesses
for verification.
Copy !req
695. Let's go!
Copy !req
696. Why does she still
have her clothes on?
Copy !req
697. Looks like she's
playing the flute.
Copy !req
698. Oh, wow. Kinky.
Copy !req
699. As bared witness
by myself,
Copy !req
700. all of Camp Firewood
and the higher power,
however you define it,
Copy !req
701. I hereby consecrate
and sanctify the union
Copy !req
702. of McKinley and Ben.
Copy !req
703. May their majestic
and blessed love
Copy !req
704. flourish all the days
of their lives.
Copy !req
705. Amen.
Amen.
Copy !req
706. Amen.
Amen.
Copy !req
707. McKinley's a fag.
Copy !req
708. McKinley's a fag
with Ben!
Copy !req
709. What are we gonna do?
Copy !req
710. Capture the flag!
Copy !req
711. Hey, aren't you
gonna eat anything?
Copy !req
712. I'm not hungry.
Copy !req
713. So. You haven't
made many friends
this summer, have you?
Copy !req
714. No, I have not.
Copy !req
715. Let's drop
the robot voice,
shall we?
Copy !req
716. Okay.
Copy !req
717. This your first
summer here?
Copy !req
718. Fifth. You were
my counselor.
Three times.
Copy !req
719. Okay, now I'm
the camp director,
Copy !req
720. so if there's anything I can
do to make your last day more
enjoyable, just let me know.
Copy !req
721. Really?
Copy !req
722. I have an idea. How about
whatever you've been
Copy !req
723. working on this summer
is your talent tonight
at the big talent show?
Copy !req
724. That way, the other campers
can get to know you.
Copy !req
725. It's not a song
or anything.
Copy !req
726. It's okay. I'll have Susie
put you on the list.
Copy !req
727. Oh, God! Thank you!
Copy !req
728. How was the waterfront
this morning?
Copy !req
729. It was good.
Copy !req
730. Are we gonna get
a chance to spend some time
together later?
Copy !req
731. Katie, are you
gonna pound this
Copy !req
732. into my face all day?
Copy !req
733. Sorry.
Copy !req
734. Apology accepted.
Copy !req
735. Oh, guess what.
This morning, a bunch
of us went into town
Copy !req
736. and we got ice cream
and hamburgers...
Copy !req
737. It smells like
the ribs are ready.
Copy !req
738. Beth, I may regret
saying this,
Copy !req
739. but how dare you usurp
my authority as producer...
Copy !req
740. Director/choreographer
of the talent show?
Copy !req
741. I mean, you were
wrong to do that!
Copy !req
742. I need you to know
I have been busting
my balls, woman!
Copy !req
743. I am telling you,
the musical numbers
are a mess,
Copy !req
744. my kids are a bunch
of amateurs,
Copy !req
745. and the last thing
I need today is
some diabetic freak
Copy !req
746. prancing around on stage
making my life a living hell!
Copy !req
747. All right,
I'll put him last.
Copy !req
748. Good.
Copy !req
749. Oh, she always wins!
Copy !req
750. Don't pick it up, stupid!
Copy !req
751. Stop picking it up!
Copy !req
752. You see? This is us,
Copy !req
753. and we're traveling
around the sun.
Copy !req
754. That's a 1.3 million
Copy !req
755. mile trip every year!
Copy !req
756. Radical.
Copy !req
757. You might say
that each and
every one of us
Copy !req
758. is a crew member here
on Spaceship Earth.
Copy !req
759. When would we say that?
Copy !req
760. Any time.
Copy !req
761. Dinner. Literally, any time.
Copy !req
762. You're amazing. I hope
that when I grow up
Copy !req
763. I can come to your college
and you can be my professor.
Copy !req
764. Well, actually, I, uh...
Copy !req
765. I'm just an
associate professor.
Copy !req
766. What does that mean?
Melvin!
Copy !req
767. No, no,
it's all right.
Copy !req
768. It means, Melvin...
Copy !req
769. It means that I'm...
Copy !req
770. less than.
Copy !req
771. Oh, God!
Copy !req
772. Hey! What's going on?
Copy !req
773. Hey, Beth.
We're just having
ourselves a little cry.
Copy !req
774. I know what
this group needs.
Copy !req
775. How about we grab
some lunch and then watch
the Capture the Flag game?
Copy !req
776. What do you say?
Copy !req
777. I think we'll take
a rain check, Beth.
Copy !req
778. We're in the middle
of some pretty
interesting stuff here.
Copy !req
779. Okay. I'll make
you a deal.
Copy !req
780. You come watch
the Capture the Flag game
with the normal kids,
Copy !req
781. and then you can have
the whole rest of the day
to learn about planets, stars,
Copy !req
782. pulsars, heliocentricity,
gravitational collapse
Copy !req
783. and the science
of celestial mechanics
Copy !req
784. as shown
through the work of the
19th century scientists,
Copy !req
785. Alexis Clairaut,
Jean d'Alembert
and Pierre Laplace.
Copy !req
786. - Okay?
- Okay!
Copy !req
787. Ready? Break!
Copy !req
788. All right,
come on. Let's go!
Yes!
Copy !req
789. Gee, I was really impressed
by some of the stuff
you said back there.
Copy !req
790. Oh, it was...
Copy !req
791. No, Beth, you know
what you're talking about.
Copy !req
792. I don't know where
you find the time to learn
about astrophysics.
Copy !req
793. I mean, with camp payroll
and insurance to deal with.
Copy !req
794. Keeping parents happy,
supervising a young staff.
Copy !req
795. Keeping everyone fed.
Copy !req
796. Wow.
Copy !req
797. It was in 1908
that the first
American summer camps
Copy !req
798. were founded
in the Catskills.
Copy !req
799. Is there
any more corn?
Copy !req
800. What?
Copy !req
801. More corn.
Copy !req
802. Oh, dude.
Copy !req
803. Lindsay, you got...
Copy !req
804. What, dude?
Copy !req
805. What? What are you
doing with your hand?
Copy !req
806. On your face.
You, uh...
Copy !req
807. Cat got your tongue, Andy?
What is it?
Copy !req
808. You have barbecue sauce
all over your face.
Copy !req
809. I know that. So?
Copy !req
810. It's pretty foul.
Copy !req
811. It's just barbecue sauce.
Copy !req
812. Come on.
I wanna make out.
Copy !req
813. Okay, but not here.
Copy !req
814. What's it like
being a professor?
Copy !req
815. What do they say?
"Publish or perish"?
Copy !req
816. Well, perish mostly.
Copy !req
817. I'm up for tenure
this fall.
Copy !req
818. If I don't make
my mark soon, I could
end up out of work.
Copy !req
819. But you're
so talented!
Copy !req
820. Tell that to my dean.
Copy !req
821. Okay. Okay,
what's his address?
Copy !req
822. You serious?
56 Linden Lane.
Copy !req
823. Okay. City?
Copy !req
824. God, you're really...
Augusta.
Copy !req
825. State?
Copy !req
826. I can't believe...
Well, Maine, of course.
Copy !req
827. Zip?
Copy !req
828. This is... 04139.
Copy !req
829. Does he have
an apartment number?
No!
Copy !req
830. Beth, this is incredible.
I don't know how
to thank you.
Copy !req
831. You already have, Henry.
You already have.
Copy !req
832. This is crazy.
This is crazy.
Copy !req
833. That's it, Lars.
Copy !req
834. Good. Keep your
feet together.
Copy !req
835. Yeah, you got it. Good.
Copy !req
836. You taste like a burger.
I don't like you anymore.
Copy !req
837. Whatever!
Copy !req
838. Damn it!
Copy !req
839. Is it my turn yet?
Copy !req
840. So this is where
I come when
I want to think.
Copy !req
841. Wow.
Copy !req
842. It's very
Copy !req
843. barn-like.
Copy !req
844. You know,
it's weird, Coop.
Copy !req
845. I was supposed to be
in the woods with Andy
this afternoon, but...
Copy !req
846. Oh. I'm sorry.
We can go back.
We should go back.
Copy !req
847. No, no! It's okay.
I can see him later.
Copy !req
848. Give me your hand, Coop.
Copy !req
849. It's cold.
Copy !req
850. Yeah. I'm freezing.
Copy !req
851. Do you want
my sweatshirt?
Copy !req
852. Do you mind?
Copy !req
853. Okay, Coop, now I'm
colder than I was before
when I said I was cold.
Copy !req
854. Well, do you want
my flannel?
Copy !req
855. Yeah.
Copy !req
856. Wow, this is cool!
It's a really great shirt.
I love it.
Copy !req
857. It's my favorite shirt.
Copy !req
858. So...
You're gonna have
to give it back.
Copy !req
859. Now?
Copy !req
860. Yeah.
Copy !req
861. What are we doing?
Copy !req
862. Do you mean, like,
switching our shirts?
Copy !req
863. No.
Copy !req
864. What are we doing?
Copy !req
865. I don't know.
Copy !req
866. Okay, so I'm Ron
and I'm calling you.
Here we go. Ring, ring.
Copy !req
867. Hello?
Hi, Gail.
Copy !req
868. It's me, Ron.
Copy !req
869. Hi, Ron.
What do you want?
Copy !req
870. Um... Well, I'm ready to give
our marriage another shot.
What do you say?
Copy !req
871. Um...
Copy !req
872. Be strong, Gail!
Copy !req
873. No. No, Ron. It's over.
Copy !req
874. Goodbye.
Copy !req
875. Hi, Mom.
Could you get Dad?
Copy !req
876. Just get him.
Copy !req
877. Hi, Dad.
Okay, are you guys
sitting down?
Copy !req
878. I met somebody.
Well, she's got
this other boyfriend,
Copy !req
879. but, well,
it's just a matter
of time, I think.
Copy !req
880. Well, her name is Katie,
and she's really great.
Copy !req
881. And, um... What?
I don't think so.
Copy !req
882. Well, she might be. She's got
a pretty big nose.
Copy !req
883. Well, I know how you guys
worry that I have trouble
meeting girls.
Copy !req
884. And I'm just saying,
worry no more, so...
Copy !req
885. I should get going.
She's probably
looking for me.
Copy !req
886. Okay, I'll talk
to you guys tomorrow.
Bye-bye.
Copy !req
887. This feels so good.
Copy !req
888. Maybe you shouldn't jump
the gun just yet, Coop.
Copy !req
889. Very good, very good.
Copy !req
890. A-plus for comedy, Beth.
Copy !req
891. Ruth Buzzi
better watch her back.
Copy !req
892. Beth! "Jump the gun."
Copy !req
893. Day by day
Copy !req
894. Day by day
Copy !req
895. Okay, stop!
I feel like I'm watching
regional theater, you guys.
Copy !req
896. God, am I in
the Cleveland Play House
or something?
Copy !req
897. Your craft is a muscle!
You need to exercise it!
Copy !req
898. Take a break!
Think about
what you've done.
Copy !req
899. Hey, Susie, have you
seen Katie anywhere?
Copy !req
900. No. Why?
Copy !req
901. Oh, no particular reason.
But if you see her,
Copy !req
902. will you tell her
that I'm looking for her?
Copy !req
903. Sure.
Copy !req
904. Okay.
Copy !req
905. All right, with passion!
Copy !req
906. Katie! Are you in here?
Copy !req
907. Oh, hi.
Copy !req
908. Um, I want to talk
to you later, okay?
Copy !req
909. Oh, yeah. Sure.
Copy !req
910. Dinner!
Copy !req
911. Have you seen J.J. and Gary?
Do you know where they are?
Don't know.
Copy !req
912. I'm a little
worried they might
have found out about us.
Copy !req
913. Hey!
Copy !req
914. McKinley and Ben!
Copy !req
915. This is for you.
Copy !req
916. It's a chaise lounge.
Copy !req
917. We didn't know
if maybe you guys
already had one.
Copy !req
918. We have the receipt
if you do.
Copy !req
919. No, we don't have one.
Thank you!
Copy !req
920. It goes with the
chenille throw cloth
Beth's sister gave us.
Copy !req
921. Okay, everybody, attention.
I've got an announcement.
Copy !req
922. I know you're all getting
ready for the big
talent show tonight,
Copy !req
923. but the following campers
need to put their trunks out,
Copy !req
924. so the early bus to Boston
can pick them up at 7:30 a.m.
Copy !req
925. Amanda Klein,
Jessica Azaria,
Copy !req
926. Ira Stevenberg,
Sol Zimmerstein,
Copy !req
927. uh, David Bengurion.
Copy !req
928. Cooking slop
for the grunts in 'Nam
was easier than this.
Copy !req
929. We had no place
being over there.
Copy !req
930. It was a war
we couldn't win, Gene.
Copy !req
931. Yeah?
Copy !req
932. Well, I'm gonna go
smear some mud
on my ass.
Copy !req
933. What?
Copy !req
934. I said, "I hear
my bud's in class."
Copy !req
935. I gotta go and call my bud
and see how his grades are.
Copy !req
936. I gotta go. Go away,
leave me alone.
Copy !req
937. Gene, now, hold on.
Copy !req
938. Look, I don't care what
you do in your private time,
but don't lie about it.
Copy !req
939. I mean, you clearly said,
"Smear mud on my ass."
Copy !req
940. And I'll tell you something.
If you wanna smear mud
on your ass,
Copy !req
941. smear mud on your ass.
Copy !req
942. Just be honest about it.
Copy !req
943. Look, Gene, I've never
told anyone this before,
Copy !req
944. but I can suck my own dick.
And I do it.
Copy !req
945. A lot.
Copy !req
946. There, I said it.
I was honest.
Copy !req
947. And you know what, Gene?
Copy !req
948. Being honest
makes you feel better.
Copy !req
949. Hey, Katie. Wait.
Copy !req
950. Hey, I'm sorry about before.
Copy !req
951. I hope that
wasn't bad timing.
Copy !req
952. No.
Copy !req
953. Coop, we have to talk.
Sure.
Copy !req
954. I was thinking that what
happened between us before
was a mistake.
Copy !req
955. And, uh...
Copy !req
956. What?
Copy !req
957. I wasn't thinking straight.
It was wrong.
Copy !req
958. No, it wasn't wrong.
Copy !req
959. Katie, why are
you doing this?
Copy !req
960. I'm really sorry, Coop.
Copy !req
961. Come on!
This is a joke, right?
Copy !req
962. I have a boyfriend, Coop.
Copy !req
963. And I can't...
I can't do this.
I'm sorry.
Copy !req
964. Wait, Katie!
Copy !req
965. When we first started
hanging out together
this morning,
Copy !req
966. we were just friends,
Copy !req
967. but things change,
and I've fallen in love
with you.
Copy !req
968. And I just know
that if you gave me
a chance,
Copy !req
969. I could make you
feel so good.
Copy !req
970. So I'm coming to you,
not as your buddy,
Copy !req
971. and not as a co-counselor,
but for the first time,
as a man.
Copy !req
972. A man who loves a woman,
Copy !req
973. and who wants to hold her,
and provide for her,
Copy !req
974. and, yes, have sex with her.
Copy !req
975. But, no, seriously, Katie,
I love the way you laugh.
Copy !req
976. And I love the way
your hair smells.
Copy !req
977. And I love it that
sometimes for no reason,
you're late for shul.
Copy !req
978. And I don't care that you're
bowlegged and I don't care
that you're bilingual.
Copy !req
979. All I know is that
I would have said no to every
single person on your list
Copy !req
980. because I've always
wanted you.
Copy !req
981. Coop, I don't know
what to say.
Copy !req
982. Coop, wait!
Copy !req
983. Rachael Clipperhofferman,
Copy !req
984. - Steven Schenk...
- Beth!
Copy !req
985. Can I make
a quick announcement
before we finish up?
Copy !req
986. Sure thing.
Copy !req
987. I want to thank all of you
for a terrific summer.
Copy !req
988. Cooking for all
you nice people
Copy !req
989. has really helped me
get over the fact that
I fought in the Vietnam War.
Copy !req
990. Have a great winter!
I'm gonna go hump the fridge!
Copy !req
991. What?
Copy !req
992. Yes, folks, it's true.
Copy !req
993. I said, "I'm gonna go
hump the fridge."
Copy !req
994. What you may not know
is that I also
Copy !req
995. own a bottle
of dick cream,
Copy !req
996. I fondle my sweaters,
and I often like
to smear mud on my ass.
Copy !req
997. You're probably
asking yourselves,
"Isn't he a weirdo,
Copy !req
998. "outcast, loose cannon?"
Copy !req
999. Maybe. I don't think so.
Copy !req
1000. I want to introduce
you guys to someone.
This is my friend.
Copy !req
1001. I don't know who he is,
but I do know this.
Copy !req
1002. At a time when I was trying
to hide myself from myself,
Copy !req
1003. he was there to show me
a new way.
Copy !req
1004. Because I couldn't
hide from him.
Copy !req
1005. And I can be proud
of who I am.
Copy !req
1006. I put it to you,
Copy !req
1007. Camp Firewood,
Copy !req
1008. as we spend
our last dinner together,
be proud of who you are!
Copy !req
1009. Look at me, Ma!
Copy !req
1010. I made it! I'm okay!
Copy !req
1011. Now, if you don't mind,
Copy !req
1012. I have some unfinished
business to attend to.
Copy !req
1013. Hooray!
Copy !req
1014. Hey! Hey!
Copy !req
1015. No! No, no!
Copy !req
1016. You fucking assholes!
Let me go!
Copy !req
1017. No! No! No!
Not the thing. No! No!
Copy !req
1018. Please, don't!
No, no, no!
Copy !req
1019. No! No!
Copy !req
1020. Oh, Henry,
I'm so happy.
Copy !req
1021. But what will become
of us tomorrow?
Copy !req
1022. Hey, you.
Penny for your thoughts.
Copy !req
1023. Beth, tomorrow's
the least of our problems.
Copy !req
1024. Oh, don't tell me.
Don't even tell me
you have crabs.
Copy !req
1025. No.
Copy !req
1026. Well, yes,
but that's not
the point.
Copy !req
1027. Well, what is the point?
Copy !req
1028. This isn't the time
or the place to discuss it.
Copy !req
1029. Beth, meet me at the
picnic table in 10 seconds.
I'll tell you all about it.
Copy !req
1030. Okay.
Copy !req
1031. Beth, hello. Ow!
Thanks for coming.
Let's get right to it.
Copy !req
1032. You may recall
10 seconds ago,
Copy !req
1033. I asked you
to join me here,
Copy !req
1034. by the picnic table,
so I could tell you
what's going on.
Copy !req
1035. All right. Well, earlier
today, I saw what I thought
was possibly a planet,
Copy !req
1036. also possibly a meteor
in the evening sky.
Copy !req
1037. I now believe
that object
was none other
Copy !req
1038. than a renegade
piece of Skylab,
the NASA space station,
Copy !req
1039. and it's heading
right for the camp.
Copy !req
1040. Oh, my God!
Copy !req
1041. And there's more!
Copy !req
1042. We have no way
of pinpointing exactly
where it's going to land.
Copy !req
1043. It could kill us all!
Copy !req
1044. Jesus!
Copy !req
1045. Wait a minute!
There might be a way
Copy !req
1046. to build a homemade
Skylab tracking device!
Copy !req
1047. Which accomplishes?
Copy !req
1048. We could surmise
the location of impact.
Copy !req
1049. We could avert
a tragedy on the scale
of the Hindenburg.
Copy !req
1050. Beth, will you help us?
Copy !req
1051. Anything you need.
Copy !req
1052. Let's do it!
Copy !req
1053. Hey, Andy?
Copy !req
1054. Can I talk to you
for a second?
Copy !req
1055. Sure.
Copy !req
1056. Okay, well...
Time's up.
Copy !req
1057. You said a second.
Copy !req
1058. I want to
ask you something.
Copy !req
1059. So you want to talk
for more than a second?
Copy !req
1060. Yeah.
Copy !req
1061. What is it then? You think,
like a couple minutes?
Copy !req
1062. No. Yeah, at most, say,
like, three minutes.
Copy !req
1063. Fine.
Copy !req
1064. Do you really love Katie?
Copy !req
1065. Not really.
Copy !req
1066. Because I really
love her, man.
Copy !req
1067. And if you have
one ounce of decency,
Copy !req
1068. you will do the right thing
and you will let her go.
Copy !req
1069. No way!
No way?
Copy !req
1070. Fuck, no, dude. She's hot!
In fact, fuck off.
Copy !req
1071. I will not fuck off.
Copy !req
1072. You're making a really
big mistake, buddy,
Copy !req
1073. because that woman
is not your plaything.
Copy !req
1074. Coop, seriously.
Copy !req
1075. Fuck off.
Copy !req
1076. I'm sick of talking
about this with you.
Copy !req
1077. God!
Copy !req
1078. Whoa!
Copy !req
1079. So this is the Skylab
tracking device?
Copy !req
1080. Is this gonna save
my camp, Henry?
Copy !req
1081. I don't know.
But if it does,
we'll all be heroes.
Copy !req
1082. In fact, I just got word
that if we pull this off,
Copy !req
1083. I could be up
for the Hopkins Prize
for Physics.
Copy !req
1084. The Hopkins!
Baby, what a dream.
Copy !req
1085. You'll finally get
your tenure.
Copy !req
1086. Be proud
of who you are.
Copy !req
1087. Huh?
Copy !req
1088. Gene?
Shh.
Copy !req
1089. It isn't
about the girl, Coop.
Copy !req
1090. It isn't?
Copy !req
1091. Well, it is.
Copy !req
1092. But see if you
can follow me here.
Copy !req
1093. It...
Copy !req
1094. isn't.
Copy !req
1095. Oh.
Copy !req
1096. So it is
Copy !req
1097. and it isn't.
Copy !req
1098. You are ready to be
taught the new way.
Copy !req
1099. Will you help teach me
about this...
Copy !req
1100. What is it?
Copy !req
1101. A "new way"?
Copy !req
1102. Show me the fever
Copy !req
1103. Into the fire
Copy !req
1104. Taking it higher and higher
Copy !req
1105. Nothing to fear
it's only desire
Copy !req
1106. Taking it higher and higher
Copy !req
1107. Whoo-hoo-hoo
Copy !req
1108. Higher, higher
Copy !req
1109. Show me the fever
Copy !req
1110. Into the fire
Copy !req
1111. Taking it higher and higher
Copy !req
1112. Nothing to fear
it's only desire
Copy !req
1113. Taking it higher and higher
Copy !req
1114. Whoo-hoo
Copy !req
1115. Abby. Abby. Abby, my lover.
My friend. Abby!
Copy !req
1116. Hey, Neil, what's up?
Copy !req
1117. Victor abandoned
the raft trip,
Copy !req
1118. and now the kids
are about to go over
Devil's Canyon Rapids!
Copy !req
1119. Where did he go?
He wanted to get
back to camp.
Copy !req
1120. So you left campers
alone on the river?
Copy !req
1121. Look, only Victor knows how
to navigate those rapids.
Copy !req
1122. We've got to find him
and get him
back to that river.
Copy !req
1123. It's him!
Victor! Victor! Victor!
Copy !req
1124. We lost him, God damn it!
Copy !req
1125. I've got him!
I've got him!
Copy !req
1126. Where is he?
He's calling from
inside the camp.
Copy !req
1127. The only other phone
is in the infirmary!
We gotta go!
Copy !req
1128. Ah!
Copy !req
1129. Beth, what's the matter?
Copy !req
1130. The phone! The phone!
Copy !req
1131. Where's the fucking phone?
Copy !req
1132. In the back room.
Copy !req
1133. We're losing time!
Copy !req
1134. My baby!
Copy !req
1135. I want to make love to you!
Copy !req
1136. Abby!
Copy !req
1137. Abby?
Copy !req
1138. Moose?
Copy !req
1139. Um, you're gonna think
this is so shallow,
Copy !req
1140. but what was
your name again?
Copy !req
1141. Oh, my God.
Copy !req
1142. Do you have any idea
Copy !req
1143. what I had to go through
to see you?
Copy !req
1144. You snooze,
you lose, dude.
Copy !req
1145. Victor Pulak, there's a raft
of campers about to go over
Devil's Canyon Rapids!
Copy !req
1146. Are you gonna be part
of the problem,
or are you the solution?
Copy !req
1147. Let's go.
Copy !req
1148. Let's go!
Copy !req
1149. Here we go.
Copy !req
1150. Oh, fuck my cock!
Copy !req
1151. What does it say?
Copy !req
1152. According to this readout,
Skylab is going to land
directly on the rec hall.
Copy !req
1153. Oh, no. When?
Copy !req
1154. Sometime in
the next 90 minutes.
Copy !req
1155. Oh, my God!
That's only one mix tape.
Copy !req
1156. The talent show's
starting right now!
Copy !req
1157. Good evening, Firewood!
Copy !req
1158. Are you ready
for some talent?
Copy !req
1159. Beth, we have to evacuate
the rec hall immediately!
Yeah.
Copy !req
1160. Victor!
Copy !req
1161. Come on! Come on!
Copy !req
1162. Stand back.
Copy !req
1163. Whoa! Whoa!
Copy !req
1164. You're a master, Vic.
Copy !req
1165. What the...
What the fuck. What...
Copy !req
1166. You're doing it.
You're actually doing it.
Copy !req
1167. Oh! You saved them!
You saved them!
You saved them!
Copy !req
1168. Victor Pulak,
you're okay by me.
Copy !req
1169. I'm okay,
you're okay.
Copy !req
1170. And Neil, next time
we go camping,
you drive the van.
Copy !req
1171. I wish there was
another way.
Copy !req
1172. Maybe we should
just let them die.
Copy !req
1173. No! My friend,
Jimmy's in there.
Copy !req
1174. You have a friend?
I'm kidding.
Copy !req
1175. Wait a minute.
Copy !req
1176. No.
What?
Copy !req
1177. Well, there might be
a way that we could
use our device
Copy !req
1178. to slightly change
its direction, but...
Copy !req
1179. No, it's impossible.
Copy !req
1180. Why?
What's the problem?
Copy !req
1181. Well, in order to do it,
we would somehow
have to be able
Copy !req
1182. to repeatedly generate
random numbers between
one and 20
Copy !req
1183. in order to calibrate
the differential.
Copy !req
1184. That would take some sort
of super mainframe computer
Copy !req
1185. and we, for sure,
don't have one of those.
Copy !req
1186. So all is lost.
Copy !req
1187. No, it's not.
Copy !req
1188. Any Dungeon Master
worth his weight
in geldings
Copy !req
1189. goes nowhere
without his...
Copy !req
1190. 20-sided die.
Copy !req
1191. I'd like to introduce us
to the M.C. for the evening.
Copy !req
1192. We brought him all the way
from Kutscher's Country Club
in the Catskill Mountains.
Copy !req
1193. Wait! I have some bad news!
Copy !req
1194. And my bad news is...
Copy !req
1195. And my bad news is...
There is no bad news.
I was just joking.
Copy !req
1196. Good one, Beth.
Copy !req
1197. Let's give a Firewood welcome
to Mr. Alan Shemper!
Copy !req
1198. Thank you very much.
Copy !req
1199. Hello, Camp Firewood. Hello.
Thank you for having me.
Copy !req
1200. You know, I went
to sleep-away camp
so long ago
Copy !req
1201. that it was the Stone Age.
Copy !req
1202. No, seriously, it wasn't
the Stone Age.
Copy !req
1203. It was the ice age!
Copy !req
1204. No, really,
it was the Stone Age.
Copy !req
1205. But, folks, actually
I went to Camp Machnudin,
Copy !req
1206. in the pine hills
of Westchester, New York.
Copy !req
1207. And that was so long ago,
Copy !req
1208. for breakfast we had to eat
scrambled pterodactyl eggs
Copy !req
1209. and raptor bacon!
Copy !req
1210. Back then we didn't
have cots, we had slabs.
Copy !req
1211. Instead of sleeping bags,
we had sleeping pelts.
Copy !req
1212. Our first act hails
all the way from
over in Bunk Two.
Copy !req
1213. And his name is Roger,
"The Master Broom Balancer."
Copy !req
1214. Holy cow!
Copy !req
1215. Right here, right here.
Put it down.
Copy !req
1216. Let's pray to God
this works.
Copy !req
1217. Love will pervade us
till death separates us
Copy !req
1218. We're friends,
friends, friends
Copy !req
1219. That's from us
to Bunk Seven!
Copy !req
1220. Nine. Nine.
Nine or six,
what was it?
Copy !req
1221. Nine!
Copy !req
1222. Okay. We gotta get closer.
Give me another...
Copy !req
1223. Seven.
Copy !req
1224. White folks sound so stupid
when they get mad.
Copy !req
1225. They be like,
"Hey, asshole, I'm going
to kick your behind."
Copy !req
1226. But the brothers
don't even need
to raise their voice.
Copy !req
1227. These motherfuckers
be, like,
Copy !req
1228. "Don't make me say it twice."
Copy !req
1229. That's true,
that's true.
Copy !req
1230. I hate white people!
Copy !req
1231. Be that as it may,
this next act is a guy
named Bert Flugalman.
Copy !req
1232. But it says here
that you all know him as...
Copy !req
1233. Moose!
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1234. Gail.
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1235. Gail.
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1236. Ron!
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1237. What are you doing here?
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1238. Gail, I've been thinking
about you a lot.
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1239. And I want you back.
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1240. Ron, I love you,
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1241. and I want to be
with you, but...
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1242. I've just had too many
woulda-coulda-shouldas
in my life.
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1243. Well, I'm just...
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1244. I'm just sick
and tired of being
sick and tired, you know?
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1245. And if you can't handle
that, Ron, well then
to hell with you!
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1246. You'll come back
to me, Gail.
I know you will.
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1247. I don't think so,
Ronald von Kleinenshtein.
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1248. I really don't think so.
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1249. And now,
Camp Fizzie-Poo,
performing the song,
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1250. Day by Day,
from the musical Godspell,
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1251. it's Susie's drama group.
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1252. Before we start,
I'd just like to say
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1253. that the campers
you're about to see
suck dick.
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1254. Nevertheless,
please welcome them.
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1255. Day by day
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1256. Day by day
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1257. Oh, Dear Lord
Three things I pray
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1258. To see thee more clearly
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1259. To love thee more dearly
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1260. Follow thee more nearly
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1261. Day by day
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1262. Day by day
Day by day
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1263. Day by day
Day by day
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1264. Oh, Dear Lord
Three things I pray
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1265. To see thee more clearly
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1266. Love thee more dearly
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1267. Follow thee more nearly
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1268. Day by day
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1269. Day by day
by day by day by day
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1270. Boo!
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1271. Well, well, well,
I can honestly say
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1272. that there is
no Broadway ditty
Copy !req
1273. closer to my heart than
the one you just heard,
Day Bidet.
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1274. Give me another.
Give me another.
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1275. Give me another.
Give me another.
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1276. Twenty.
There's not
much time left.
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1277. When I was at camp,
my favorite activity
was always arts and crafts.
Copy !req
1278. Or as we used to call it,
arts and farts and crafts.
Copy !req
1279. We used to make drawings.
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1280. Cave drawings!
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1281. Which is my way of saying
we were cavemen.
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1282. I went to camp so long ago
that I can remember saying,
Copy !req
1283. "Sticks and stones
may break my bones,"
and meaning it!
Copy !req
1284. I went to camp so long ago
that fucking Jesus Christ
was my counselor,
Copy !req
1285. and my best friend
hadn't fully evolved yet.
Copy !req
1286. His name was Ugh,
and he walked on all fours!
Copy !req
1287. There were two epidemics
when I went to camp.
Copy !req
1288. Head lice and the plague.
The bubonic plague.
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1289. When you look into his eyes
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1290. It comes to you
as no surprise
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1291. It's always the same
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1292. Katie, I came here
to tell you I'm leaving.
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1293. Uh, what?
Yeah.
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1294. I've grown up a lot
since before dinner
when we last talked.
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1295. Where are you going?
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1296. I don't know.
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1297. Maybe see the world.
I got a couple more weeks
before school starts.
Copy !req
1298. But...
Hey.
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1299. I want you to have this.
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1300. Hurry up!
I think I can see it
coming towards us!
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1301. And finally,
ladies and germs,
is a dude,
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1302. who goes by the name of
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1303. "Steve."
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1304. Let's give him a hand.
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1305. Come on, do something.
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1306. Or get the fuck
off the stage!
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1307. Is that wind?
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1308. Oh, my God.
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1309. Coop?
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1310. Coop! Coop! Coop,
don't leave.
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1311. Coop! Coop, I love you!
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1312. Yeah, I didn't know it
until this very moment,
for sure,
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1313. but now I know,
and it feels like nothing
I've ever known before.
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1314. And it feels so good.
I love you.
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1315. Show me the fever
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1316. Into the fire
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1317. Taking it higher and higher
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1318. Nothing to fear
It's only desire
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1319. Taking it higher and higher
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1320. Into this fever
Into this fire
Copy !req
1321. Taking it higher and higher
Copy !req
1322. Be a believer
Spirit igniter
Copy !req
1323. Taking it higher and higher
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1324. How do I know
it's real this time?
Copy !req
1325. Because I'm telling you.
I mean that's all I can do.
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1326. I love you.
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1327. Say it again.
I love you!
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1328. I love you,
Gerald Cooperberg!
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1329. Show me the fever
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1330. Into the fire
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1331. Taking it higher and higher
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1332. It's working!
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1333. Way to go, guys!
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1334. Beth, we did it.
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1335. Whoo!
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1336. Baby, that was beautiful!
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1337. You better write to me.
I'm gonna miss you so much!
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1338. Beth! Beth! I got it!
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1339. The Hopkins award!
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1340. And NASA is hiring me
to go to work for them
at Cape Canaveral, Florida.
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1341. I'll have
a whole new life!
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1342. That's wonderful.
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1343. I knew this would happen.
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1344. I would meet you
and fall in love with you
and you would leave me.
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1345. Wait, hold on, Beth.
I've already told them,
Copy !req
1346. I need an apartment
for two people.
Copy !req
1347. And they'll fly you
back here every summer.
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1348. Fuck you!
Copy !req
1349. And, Beth, I know we've
been having trouble with,
you know...
Copy !req
1350. But I was thinking
when the time comes,
we can adopt.
Copy !req
1351. Shh. It's happened.
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1352. I'm pregnant.
We're gonna have a baby.
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1353. Oh. Oh, baby!
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1354. Goodbye, Beth.
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1355. Oh, hey!
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1356. Looks like everything
worked out for you two.
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1357. Yeah, it's the best thing
that's ever happened
in my life.
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1358. I hope you like
shrimp cocktail,
because we want you
Copy !req
1359. to be the guest of honor
at our wedding next week.
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1360. We would be delighted,
but I hope it's not
jumbo shrimp,
Copy !req
1361. because I'm allergic
to oxymorons.
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1362. Bye.
Bye.
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1363. We saved everyone's life
and they'll never know it.
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1364. I almost like it
better that way.
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1365. It was us rolling the dice
that diverted it, right?
Copy !req
1366. Not the enormous
gust of wind, right?
Copy !req
1367. Right.
Copy !req
1368. I feel like
this entire summer,
which kind of sucked,
Copy !req
1369. has been rejuvenated
by the events
of the past 24 hours.
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1370. Yeah, it's like...
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1371. Well, forget it.
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1372. You know what?
What?
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1373. You guys are
my best friends.
Copy !req
1374. Well, you're my
only friends.
Copy !req
1375. Yeah.
Nanoo-nanoo.
Copy !req
1376. So this is it, babe.
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1377. Yep.
Copy !req
1378. So, obviously I think
we should get together
in the city next weekend.
Copy !req
1379. I'll call my parents,
and you can talk
to your dad and Kim.
Copy !req
1380. Listen, Coop.
Copy !req
1381. Last night was really great.
You were incredibly
romantic and heroic.
Copy !req
1382. No doubt about it.
And that's great.
Copy !req
1383. But I've thought about it,
and my thing is this.
Copy !req
1384. Andy's really hot.
And don't get me wrong,
you're cute, too.
Copy !req
1385. But Andy is, like,
cut from marble.
He's gorgeous.
Copy !req
1386. He's like this
beautiful face
Copy !req
1387. and this incredible body,
Copy !req
1388. and I genuinely don't care
that he's kind of lame.
Copy !req
1389. I don't even care
that he cheats on me.
Copy !req
1390. And I like you more
than I like Andy, Coop,
but I'm 16.
Copy !req
1391. And maybe it will be
a different story,
Copy !req
1392. like, when I'm ready
to get married,
Copy !req
1393. but right now,
I'm entirely about sex.
I just want Andy.
Copy !req
1394. Yeah.
I wanna take him,
Copy !req
1395. and grab him and just fuck
his brains out, you know?
Copy !req
1396. So that's where my
priorities are right now.
Copy !req
1397. Sex. Specifically,
with Andy and
not with you.
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1398. But you're really nice.
I mean, everybody thinks so.
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1399. And I'm sorry if this
isn't the direction that you
saw things going between us.
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1400. I still totally
want to be friends.
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1401. You better write me
a letter, okay?
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1402. Sure.
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1403. Cool?
Copy !req
1404. Katie, let's go.
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1405. How you doing?
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1406. Good.
Copy !req
1407. In this wet hot
American summer
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1408. You're my wet hot
American dream
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1409. That is if you notice me
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1410. Then who knows
what the summer
could bring
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1411. Yeah
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1412. Summer
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1413. I'm feeling kinda restless
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1414. I'm feeling all mixed up
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1415. I'm feeling like
the girl I want
Copy !req
1416. Is gonna show me
what she's made of
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1417. Why can't I be the boy
that everybody loves?
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1418. Why can't I be the boy
that everybody loves?
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1419. American summer
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1420. I'm sorry, I'm late.
I thought we said 9:30.
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1421. No, we said 9:00
so we could be here
by 9:30.
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