1. There are stories,
epic and grand storiesCopy !req
2. that are forever lost
in the sands of time,Copy !req
3. forgotten or changed
by cruel kingsCopy !req
4. who can hear only the whispers
of these lost legends.Copy !req
5. Right there, Scottie.
Take her down.Copy !req
6. Still, other tales
become too frighteningCopy !req
7. for future generations
to impart to their young.Copy !req
8. But other stories
are lost to usCopy !req
9. because they don't test well
with recruited audiencesCopy !req
10. or because a movie
is too longCopy !req
11. and the story
must be cut for time.Copy !req
12. This is one of those tales.Copy !req
13. This is the chaff
from the wheat,Copy !req
14. the skim from the milk...Copy !req
15. the pudding from
the all-you-can-eat lobster buffet,Copy !req
16. and the surgeon guy
from Prince & the Revolution.Copy !req
17. This is the lost movieCopy !req
18. "Wake Up, Ron Burgundy."Copy !req
19. Don't worry, San Diego,
Daddy's here.Copy !req
20. Hey, Ron Burgundy!Copy !req
21. - You're the best!
- Looking good, San Diego.Copy !req
22. I just met Ron Burgundy,
and he gave me a cup!Copy !req
23. Hey, Ron Burgundy!Copy !req
24. You should do story about me.Copy !req
25. You're a riot, Mikos.Copy !req
26. Hey, Ron. Bottoms up!Copy !req
27. Well, hello, booze.Copy !req
28. Peace, brother.
I'm where you're at.Copy !req
29. Hey, I like that fanny.Copy !req
30. Oh, Mr. Burgundy.Copy !req
31. I'm Sue, I'm in the book.Copy !req
32. Ron Burgundy
was at the peak of his powerCopy !req
33. as an anchorman.Copy !req
34. I got you, old glory.Copy !req
35. Walking tall
and sharing a deskCopy !req
36. with his beloved
Veronica Corningstone.Copy !req
37. Wait a minute,
who's that handsome devil?Copy !req
38. The city of San DiegoCopy !req
39. now had a king and a queen,Copy !req
40. and they ruled with a mighty,Copy !req
41. and sometimes sexy hand.Copy !req
42. Veronica, however,
had recently been nominatedCopy !req
43. for a National Excellence
in Broadcasting AwardCopy !req
44. and was out of town.Copy !req
45. For one night only,
it was just Ron and the boys.Copy !req
46. So, Champ, did you
get lucky last night?Copy !req
47. Oh, no. Last night...Copy !req
48. Oh, I stayed home for a while,
drank about six bottles of white wine,Copy !req
49. pissed my pants,
so I drove down to Mexico,Copy !req
50. and shot some stray dogs.Copy !req
51. You know, pretty much
standard Tuesday night.Copy !req
52. Hey, you guys...
what is that word?Copy !req
53. - "Because."
- Bee-cose...Copy !req
54. - Because. Because.
- Is that even a word?Copy !req
55. All righty, news team, whose drink
needs a freshening up? Anyone?Copy !req
56. Helen, I'll have a Beefeater
and tonic, hold the tonic.Copy !req
57. Ron...Copy !req
58. I know.Copy !req
59. I know I'm bad.
I've been a bad boy.Copy !req
60. I know, it's silly.Copy !req
61. All right, gang, it's almost 6:00.
Let's do what we're paid to do.Copy !req
62. Da, da, da.Copy !req
63. Unique New York.Copy !req
64. Unique New York.Copy !req
65. A tarantula enjoys
a fine chewing gum.Copy !req
66. Chewing gum, chewing gum.Copy !req
67. Snoopy was stabbed by a spear.Copy !req
68. The Human Torch
was denied a bank loan.Copy !req
69. The arsonist has
oddly-shaped feet.Copy !req
70. The arsonist. The arsonist.Copy !req
71. Cue it.Copy !req
72. Ready, Phil.Copy !req
73. We're on in five, four...Copy !req
74. It's Channel 4 News at 6:00.Copy !req
75. Good evening. I'm Ron Burgundy,Copy !req
76. and this is what's happening
in your world tonight.Copy !req
77. An international coalition
of countriesCopy !req
78. has banded together
to investigate and solveCopy !req
79. the mystery of the BigfootCopy !req
80. once and for all.Copy !req
81. The conference held
in MunichCopy !req
82. included some of the top scientists
from the United States...Copy !req
83. Ron Burgundy.
Oh, boy.Copy !req
84. If I were only
30 years younger...Copy !req
85. By that I mean
I'd blow him.Copy !req
86. with some interesting new
and shocking statisticsCopy !req
87. out of Washington,
here's Brian FantanaCopy !req
88. with a report
you won't want to miss.Copy !req
89. Tonight, I conclude
my five-part seriesCopy !req
90. on the evils of breast-feeding.Copy !req
91. So remember, let's leave
those ho-hos to us big kids, moms.Copy !req
92. Well, it looks like it's gonna be
another great weekend.Copy !req
93. Here to tell us all about it is
Brick Tamland with the weather. Brick?Copy !req
94. Now, it got all the way up to 97°Copy !req
95. in some of the outlying areas today,
and that, my friend,Copy !req
96. is really, really hot.Copy !req
97. And I always make
the same pleaCopy !req
98. every year at this time.
If you've got petsCopy !req
99. and you're going to leave them
in the car in this kind of heat,Copy !req
100. make sure they have
a lot of chew toys,Copy !req
101. and be sure to roll up the window,
so that heat doesn't get into the car.Copy !req
102. Lots going on
in the world of sports.Copy !req
103. Champ Kind is gonna let us know
what's going down. Champ?Copy !req
104. Big night tonight for the PadresCopy !req
105. finishing up a three-game
series with the Dodgers.Copy !req
106. They lost the game 4-2.Copy !req
107. Here's the pitch,
it's a curveball,Copy !req
108. and what happens?
I'll tell you what happens.Copy !req
109. And... whammy!Copy !req
110. Dave Winfield takes
Burt Hooten deep.Copy !req
111. Box seven,
let's ready three.Copy !req
112. From here at Channel 4 News,
I'm Champ Kind. Back to you, Ron.Copy !req
113. There was a special addition today
at the San Diego ZooCopy !req
114. as Linda the giraffe gave birthCopy !req
115. to a 42 lb. Baby boy.Copy !req
116. Officials at the zoo
say the baby giraffeCopy !req
117. will be named Freedom.Copy !req
118. Looks like the Clippers
might have themselves a new center.Copy !req
119. Man, that's hilarious.Copy !req
120. For all of us here
at News Center 4,Copy !req
121. I'm Ron Burgundy.
You stay classy, San Diego.Copy !req
122. All clear.Copy !req
123. Ron Burgundy scores.Copy !req
124. You're my boy.Copy !req
125. Hey, Ron,
Deacon Charlie, the weathermanCopy !req
126. over at Channel 2 News,
is having a pool party.Copy !req
127. Every anchor in town
is gonna be there.Copy !req
128. Well, I think it's time
to show the fine gals of this cityCopy !req
129. what a number-one-rated
news team looks like.Copy !req
130. News team!Copy !req
131. And with Veronica gone,
and another broadcast done,Copy !req
132. it was time to do one thing...Copy !req
133. socialize... hard.Copy !req
134. I couldn't do that.Copy !req
135. I couldn't do that.Copy !req
136. Hey, Ron,Copy !req
137. - do you know what chlamydia is?
- No, but it sounds like fun.Copy !req
138. - Hey, Ron.
- Hey, Garth. How's the divorce?Copy !req
139. Oh, not so good.
My kids don't even remember me...Copy !req
140. Listen, I don't have time.
You done with that?Copy !req
141. I think you are now.Copy !req
142. Well, hello, Pete.
You look good. So do you.Copy !req
143. Konnichiwa.Copy !req
144. - Cannonball!
- Hey, everyone!Copy !req
145. Orgy!Copy !req
146. Sorry, I misread the vibe.Copy !req
147. Just go back
to what you were doing.Copy !req
148. But even in the midst
of this supposed bliss,Copy !req
149. trouble can step forward and say,
"Hey! Don't forget about me."Copy !req
150. Everybody get down!Copy !req
151. This is a robbery!
We are The Alarm Clock!Copy !req
152. - It all begins today!
- Heroes get blasted!Copy !req
153. Shoot, I'm havin' a good time!
This is a party! Come on!Copy !req
154. It's a revolutionary
sure shot.Copy !req
155. We're taking it all back.Copy !req
156. Y'all better wake up,
'cause The Alarm Clock's ringin'.Copy !req
157. Ding-a-ling-a-ding-ding-dong!Copy !req
158. You've got a real reason
to be afraid!Copy !req
159. Hurry up!Copy !req
160. We are liberating this money
so that the truth can be set free,Copy !req
161. and the people of this city
can wake up! Dig it!Copy !req
162. We are The Alarm Clock!Copy !req
163. Oh, that was one crazy party.Copy !req
164. I feel awful.Copy !req
165. I had about 70 beers.Copy !req
166. I mean, literally.Copy !req
167. I ate a whole bunch
of fiberglass insulation.Copy !req
168. It wasn't cotton candy
like that guy said.Copy !req
169. My stomach's itchy.Copy !req
170. I woke up this morning,Copy !req
171. and I shit a squirrel.Copy !req
172. The hell of it is,
the thing was still alive.Copy !req
173. So now I got
this shit-covered squirrelCopy !req
174. down there in my office,
don't know what to name it.Copy !req
175. You should name him Shawn.Copy !req
176. All right, guys,
let's focus up.Copy !req
177. Morning, everyone.Copy !req
178. Here are the stories
we're gonna be chasing today.Copy !req
179. The radical protest group
called The Alarm ClockCopy !req
180. robbed their third bank
this morning.Copy !req
181. Let's keep on top of this story.
If it gets any bigger,Copy !req
182. the network
could need coverage.Copy !req
183. Veronica had gone straight
from the airport to the newsroom...Copy !req
184. - Hello.
- and Ron's heart nearly leaptCopy !req
185. out of his chest when he saw
his sweet, sweet lady.Copy !req
186. Oh, Ron,
you are a big deal.Copy !req
187. Take me. Take me right now
on this conference table.Copy !req
188. It's jazz. It's jazz, baby!Copy !req
189. Ron, control yourself!Copy !req
190. Not with the lights on!Copy !req
191. Let's make a baby!Copy !req
192. This feels sexy!Copy !req
193. I am engorged!Copy !req
194. He's like
an unleashed animal, run!Copy !req
195. Put it back in!Copy !req
196. No, no, he didn't mean that!
Take it out!Copy !req
197. - Look at this.
- Yeah.Copy !req
198. Must be 20 Gs here,Copy !req
199. plenty of money
to start the revolution.Copy !req
200. We got enough bread
to arm the people, feed the people,Copy !req
201. get people riotous
in the streets.Copy !req
202. Know what we should
do with this money?Copy !req
203. I think we should buy
a big bag of grass.Copy !req
204. What about the revolution?Copy !req
205. Our mission...Copy !req
206. is clearly stated
in the manifesto.Copy !req
207. Where the hell is
that manifesto, man?Copy !req
208. I am writing the manifesto.Copy !req
209. I'm beginning to start
to think you just here for the...Copy !req
210. You wanna know
what our cause is?Copy !req
211. Yeah, we wanna know.Copy !req
212. The group was at a crucial juncture.Copy !req
213. For months, Paul had put off
writing the manifestoCopy !req
214. by smoking skunkweed
and jacking banks.Copy !req
215. But now it was time
to state "the message"Copy !req
216. or lose his hold on this band
of dropouts and outsiders.Copy !req
217. The TV! That's right!Copy !req
218. The TV!Copy !req
219. This... this propaganda box,Copy !req
220. if we don't control
this propaganda box...Copy !req
221. the man... will always
control our mindsCopy !req
222. and the minds...
the minds of the people.Copy !req
223. Just look at some
of the lies they're telling.Copy !req
224. Oh, hello.Copy !req
225. I'm beloved anchor
Ron Burgundy.Copy !req
226. You know, lately I'm hearing
all this talk about kidsCopy !req
227. smoking pot, or marijuana...
reefer.Copy !req
228. Hey, what's the deal with that?Copy !req
229. What happened to just getting high
on good old clean life?Copy !req
230. Maybe enjoying life
looking at a rainbow,Copy !req
231. or sitting underneath a waterfall,Copy !req
232. enjoying a big glass of Scotch,Copy !req
233. or enjoying a pack of cigarettes
on a hot summer day.Copy !req
234. What happened to those
simple pleasures?Copy !req
235. Did they die with the dinosaurs
and the Tyrannus rex?Copy !req
236. In my book, they didn't.Copy !req
237. And there's only one book...Copy !req
238. that's the Bible.Copy !req
239. So, give it a read
when you got a chance.Copy !req
240. Hey, last time I checked,
Bibles were in libraries.Copy !req
241. Hey, good night.Copy !req
242. The following has been
a public service announcement...Copy !req
243. Listen to this shit!Copy !req
244. That Ron Burgundy is the devil.Copy !req
245. We gotta take back
the airwaves!Copy !req
246. Yo, I'm telling you, Ron Burgundy
don't even know the hell awaitin' him.Copy !req
247. But he sure is handsome.Copy !req
248. Frame up two.Copy !req
249. Give me a tighter one on two.Copy !req
250. Good evening,
I'm Ron Burgundy.Copy !req
251. Here's what's going on
in your world tonight, San Diego.Copy !req
252. The group
of bank-robbing radicalsCopy !req
253. who call themselves
The Alarm ClockCopy !req
254. have struck yet again.Copy !req
255. Let's go to Brian Fantana
who's live on the sceneCopy !req
256. with a Channel 4 News exclusive.
Brian?Copy !req
257. Police are still baffled by this string
of politically-motivated robberies.Copy !req
258. They have little evidence,
and few leads.Copy !req
259. - All they can do now is sit and wait...
- What is that stench?Copy !req
260. Smells like a biker threw up
on a pile of rotten shrimp.Copy !req
261. Hey, jag-off, why don't you
keep it down? I'm on TV.Copy !req
262. Back to you, Ron.Copy !req
263. Which proves yet again
that even a blind manCopy !req
264. and his pet
Japanese devil owlCopy !req
265. can find true happiness
in this world we live in.Copy !req
266. Let me take a moment here...Copy !req
267. just to collect...Copy !req
268. A story like that makes this job
hard and great all at the same time.Copy !req
269. A lot of emotion right now.Copy !req
270. A lot of emotion.Copy !req
271. Well...Copy !req
272. that's gonna do it
for all of us here at Channel 4 News...Copy !req
273. God, I'm still shook up.Copy !req
274. Still shook up.Copy !req
275. That's gonna do it
for all of us here at Channel 4 News.Copy !req
276. I'm Ron Burgundy.
You stay classy, San Diego.Copy !req
277. What's that?Copy !req
278. Just a little song I heard,
made me think of a special ladyCopy !req
279. that I happen to be
driving with right now.Copy !req
280. Ron, it's making me very nervous
that you're not looking at the road.Copy !req
281. Don't worry.Copy !req
282. I know these streets
like the back of my hand.Copy !req
283. Mr. Burgundy, please,
would you look at the road?Copy !req
284. gonna get killed...Copy !req
285. 'Cause it's really
making me very, very nervous.Copy !req
286. This is a Pontiac Catalina,
by the way.Copy !req
287. It really handles well
on the open road.Copy !req
288. Mr. Burgundy, please,
watch out.Copy !req
289. Hold on.
All right.Copy !req
290. You have captivating eyes,Copy !req
291. like a...
like a unicorn or a princess.Copy !req
292. Has anyone ever told you that?Copy !req
293. No. Thank you.Copy !req
294. I've never crashed...Copy !req
295. this month.
And earlier last year...Copy !req
296. There's a Spanish family
trying to get across the road...Copy !req
297. No, I know,
the Rodriguez family.Copy !req
298. Do you like Thai food?Copy !req
299. You should look
at that place over there.Copy !req
300. And if you're looking
for a good supermarket...Copy !req
301. that place is not bad.Copy !req
302. Oh, my God.Copy !req
303. How do you do that?Copy !req
304. It's okay, we're almost there.Copy !req
305. Let me just parallel park here.Copy !req
306. There you have it.Copy !req
307. Oh, my...Copy !req
308. what a beautiful view,
Mr. Burgundy.Copy !req
309. I know.Copy !req
310. It always takes my breath away.Copy !req
311. Over there is
the San Diego Observatory.Copy !req
312. It's on the highest point
of the city.Copy !req
313. I've always had a dream
of doing a broadcast from there.Copy !req
314. Bouncing a telecastCopy !req
315. off the planets and the stars,
through the Milky WayCopy !req
316. and onto Jupiter's arrow.Copy !req
317. Broadcasting...Copy !req
318. with the gods, I like to call it.Copy !req
319. Reaching people
for hundreds and millions of miles.Copy !req
320. So, is this where
Ron Burgundy goesCopy !req
321. when he's tired of being
San Diego's number one anchorman?Copy !req
322. You are a firecracker.Copy !req
323. How is everyone tonight?
Good to see you.Copy !req
324. So, here it is.Copy !req
325. My little sanctuary, Tino's.Copy !req
326. - Like I said, it's not much...
- Oh, no, to the contrary,Copy !req
327. - it's quite charming and colorful.
- Well, good.Copy !req
328. - Mr. Burgundy...
- Yes.Copy !req
329. because of the story you did
last year about delinquent landlords,Copy !req
330. - we had heat for Christmas.
- That was October 11th,Copy !req
331. Tuesday night, I was wearing
a red tie with white speckles...Copy !req
332. are you Paula Tran?Copy !req
333. You are a national treasure,
Mr. Burgundy.Copy !req
334. Well, thank you. We'll try to get you
some air conditioning this summer.Copy !req
335. Take care.Copy !req
336. Oh, this city really
seems to love you.Copy !req
337. Well, it's like having
one million children,Copy !req
338. 7% of which are
predominantly Asian.Copy !req
339. Meanwhile, as Ron and
Veronica's romance blossomed,Copy !req
340. the team found themselves
even more alone...Copy !req
341. and confused.Copy !req
342. I saw the funniest thing
the other day. It was this balloon,Copy !req
343. it was just popping around
in this string.Copy !req
344. I would hit it with my hand,
it would just keep popping back up.Copy !req
345. You guys would have loved it.Copy !req
346. Let's do something.
I'm bored.Copy !req
347. Hey, I got an idea.Copy !req
348. Let's tear up the Channel 9
News teams' lawn?Copy !req
349. Whammy? Whammy.Copy !req
350. Why the hell not?Copy !req
351. Hell's bells, not again!Copy !req
352. You sons of bitches!
That's the fifth time this month!Copy !req
353. I'm getting tired of it.
I was in Korea!Copy !req
354. I miss Ron.Copy !req
355. You know, I have an admission
to make, Mr. Burgundy.Copy !req
356. When we first met, I... I...Copy !req
357. thought that you were just like
every other anchor.Copy !req
358. But... you're not.Copy !req
359. God, I was
so tongue-tied that night.Copy !req
360. I kept wishing there was
a Teleprompter for life.Copy !req
361. It's ridiculous
to think about now.Copy !req
362. What about you, Veronica?Copy !req
363. What are your hopes?
What are your dreams?Copy !req
364. - What are your passions?
- Well...Copy !req
365. believe it or not,
we share the same dream.Copy !req
366. I, too, want to be
a network anchor.Copy !req
367. Oh, boy!Copy !req
368. And I'd like to be
king of Australia.Copy !req
369. Seriously, you sound like
an insane person.Copy !req
370. No, I'm very serious,
Mr. Burgundy.Copy !req
371. You see, I've always been...Copy !req
372. cursed with a talent for pursuits usually
dominated by men.Copy !req
373. When I was a little girl,
instead of playing house,Copy !req
374. I would play drill sergeant
or butcher.Copy !req
375. Later on in high school, instead
of trying out for cheerleading,Copy !req
376. I was president
of the bow hunting club.Copy !req
377. One morning, I read
the announcements over the PA,Copy !req
378. just the sound of my voice...Copy !req
379. so powerful,Copy !req
380. commanding
all of those students,Copy !req
381. grabbing their attention,
I just...Copy !req
382. I knew I had
but one destiny,Copy !req
383. and that was to be
the first female anchor.Copy !req
384. Yes, the road has been lonely,
and...Copy !req
385. difficult...Copy !req
386. and lonely.Copy !req
387. You are electric.Copy !req
388. Now, Ron,
friend to friend,Copy !req
389. sounds to me like you
better just be careful.Copy !req
390. Just take some caution
with this, 'cause...Copy !req
391. you're really making a lot of us
feel uneasy with this type of talk.Copy !req
392. Well, this morning...Copy !req
393. when I woke up...Copy !req
394. and I saw Veronica
lying there next to me...Copy !req
395. for a split second...Copy !req
396. I actually cared about someone
more than Ron Burgundy.Copy !req
397. That doesn't make any sense!Copy !req
398. You're you,
she's a whole different person.Copy !req
399. You care about her?
That's just crazy.Copy !req
400. Well, if love is a form of madness,
then lock me upCopy !req
401. and throw away the key.Copy !req
402. Hey, gang!Copy !req
403. Papa's home!Copy !req
404. Oh, honey, I am so glad
you're home.Copy !req
405. My alabaster doll.Copy !req
406. Gentlemen,Copy !req
407. you look great.
No eye contact!Copy !req
408. Oh, darling, oh!Copy !req
409. I've spent all day cleaning your Emmys and
preparing dinner in the nude.Copy !req
410. Oh, let's make whoopee.Copy !req
411. - Oh, yes!
- You are a bad boy!Copy !req
412. I'm bad! I need to go
to the principal's office.Copy !req
413. I love my life!Copy !req
414. You take that back
right now, Ron.Copy !req
415. Or you tell me right now that
you're under some kind of spellCopy !req
416. or witchcraft or you
got bit by a horrible bug.Copy !req
417. - That's crazy!
- So where is Veronma...Copy !req
418. Veronamaca now?Copy !req
419. She's off to go do
her first story,Copy !req
420. The Feline Fashion Show.Copy !req
421. I hope she can handle it.
This is big time.Copy !req
422. Oh, next we have
a popular favorite...Copy !req
423. the bride and the pirate.Copy !req
424. Yes, it's time for a pirate wedding,Copy !req
425. enacted by cats.Copy !req
426. And now here's
Felinus Maximus, ready to do battle.Copy !req
427. All right, let's just do
my sign-off and get out of here.Copy !req
428. Hello, my name is Paul.Copy !req
429. This is so cool,
what you do.Copy !req
430. Maybe we can get an Orange Julius later
and you can tell me all about it.Copy !req
431. Look, sir, I'm about to broadcast,
so if you'll excuse me, please.Copy !req
432. I noticed the cables.
They go out into your van.Copy !req
433. I almost tripped
and broke my leg.Copy !req
434. If anybody gets a van like that,
can they broadcast their own news?Copy !req
435. Sir, we're about to go live
in about 20 seconds.Copy !req
436. - You're gonna have to move off-camera.
- Hey, I can dig it.Copy !req
437. You've got to let the truth ring out,
wake up all the squaresCopy !req
438. in this city of lies. How about
that Orange Julius later?Copy !req
439. Get the hell away from me
before I kick you!Copy !req
440. And we're on in three...Copy !req
441. It was quite a show down here
at the Pet Shack.Copy !req
442. And just for today,
fashion curiosity did not kill the cat.Copy !req
443. It made him look "purr-fect."Copy !req
444. From the Pet Shack in Fulton,
I'm Veronica CorningstoneCopy !req
445. for Channel 4 News.Copy !req
446. Nice little story.Copy !req
447. That, of course,
was Veronica Corningstone.Copy !req
448. I'd also like to share with you
that currently we are dating.Copy !req
449. And I have to tell you, she's quite
a creative partner in the bedroom.Copy !req
450. She did this one thing
on Tuesday nightCopy !req
451. that involved a hula-hoop
and a lasso...Copy !req
452. - and an ice cream scooper.
- Ron!Copy !req
453. What? Well, that's going to do
it for all of us here at 6:00.Copy !req
454. For the Channel 4 News team,
I'm Ron Burgundy.Copy !req
455. You stay classy,
San Diego.Copy !req
456. Oh, that's good.
That's just good.Copy !req
457. You're not eating your food.Copy !req
458. Oh, you stupid, stupid man!Copy !req
459. I can't believe that you said
that we were dating on the air, Ron!Copy !req
460. I thought you would like it!Copy !req
461. Don't you get it, Ron?Copy !req
462. Well, I doubt anyone heard it,
I said it very fast.Copy !req
463. - Besides, I think people...
- Hey, you two.Copy !req
464. - Congrats on getting it on.
- Thanks you, it really is remarkable.Copy !req
465. I bet you're both
great in the sack.Copy !req
466. Let's just say
we get the job done.Copy !req
467. And this little lady over here,
she knows how to handle herself.Copy !req
468. - Yeah.
- Okay.Copy !req
469. - Are you both athletic?
- You know, I have a bad back.Copy !req
470. Bad lower back, so I have
to watch out for that.Copy !req
471. But other than that, I will do
some things in the bedroomCopy !req
472. - that'll blow your mind.
- Ron!Copy !req
473. Enjoy your meal.Copy !req
474. That was very nice.Copy !req
475. I'm sorry, Veronica. I...Copy !req
476. I truly am!Copy !req
477. I don't know what to say,
I just...Copy !req
478. I got excited.Copy !req
479. Look, I report the news,
that's what I do.Copy !req
480. And today's top story...Copy !req
481. in Ron Burgundy's world
read something like this...Copy !req
482. "I love Veronica Corningstone."Copy !req
483. Oh, Ron!Copy !req
484. Are you two about
to get it on?Copy !req
485. Oh, no, no, no, no.
Not right now, maybe later.Copy !req
486. - Okay, stop answering him.
- I'm just trying to be polite.Copy !req
487. You know, 'cause getting it on's
a beautiful thing, you know.Copy !req
488. Hi, hi!Copy !req
489. Geoff Grendon. I didn't
introduce myself, Geoff.Copy !req
490. E-O-double F.Copy !req
491. - Geoff Grendon.
- If you all need photos.Copy !req
492. - If you ever need wedding photography...
- Great.Copy !req
493. Or boudoir photography.Copy !req
494. I'd love to write that down.
If you have a pen, I don't have a pen...Copy !req
495. - You're being very inappropriate.
- Yeah, hey...Copy !req
496. Do y'all need more cheese?
I can...Copy !req
497. Honey, can I have your napkin
to write down Geoff's name?Copy !req
498. - G-E-O-F-F...
- G...Copy !req
499. - G-E-O-F-F, Grendon.
- Grendon.Copy !req
500. Well, I understand,
Mr. Dawson.Copy !req
501. But, he is my son
and I would preferCopy !req
502. if you didn't refer to him
as "a dirty little animal."Copy !req
503. Well, okay, if that
makes you feel happy.Copy !req
504. But let me just say I...
I really feel Chris is at a pointCopy !req
505. that he's ready to turn
everything around.Copy !req
506. What's that?Copy !req
507. You don't?
Well, fair enough.Copy !req
508. But let me just say...Copy !req
509. Let me just...Copy !req
510. Let me... okay.Copy !req
511. Well, thanks for listening
to my side of it anyway, sir.Copy !req
512. You have a nice day.
Goodbye.Copy !req
513. I could come back later,
Mr. Harken.Copy !req
514. No, no, it's just
parent stuff.Copy !req
515. It seems that
our youngest ChrisCopy !req
516. was joyriding with a sheet
of acid and a spear gun.Copy !req
517. Anywho, what can I
do you for?Copy !req
518. Mr. Harken, I wanna investigate
The Alarm Clock.Copy !req
519. A source of mine at the FBICopy !req
520. says that they are planning
a citywide disruption.Copy !req
521. Take a shot at the meat loaf story,
honey, and we'll see how that goes.Copy !req
522. Well, what if I refuse?Copy !req
523. Well, then you'll
probably be fired.Copy !req
524. Garth, let me handle this!Copy !req
525. I'd probably have
to fire you, sweetpants.Copy !req
526. Well, then I would sue you, sir,Copy !req
527. for sexual harassment.Copy !req
528. Oh, I like the sound of that.Copy !req
529. Sexual Her-ass-ment.Copy !req
530. Mr. Harken, you have a lot to learn
about a professional work environment.Copy !req
531. "You have a lot to learn about a
professional work environment."Copy !req
532. That is very immature
and counterproductive.Copy !req
533. "That is very immature
and counterproductive."Copy !req
534. - Stop it. Stop it!
- "Stop it. Stop it!"Copy !req
535. - Stop it!
- No. "Stop it."Copy !req
536. Oh, my God, nobody has done that
to me since the sixth grade.Copy !req
537. "No one has done that to me
since the sixth grade."Copy !req
538. Screw you, Harken!Copy !req
539. Wait a minute, are you
coming on to me?Copy !req
540. Because if you are,
I am interested!Copy !req
541. Veronica was doing
extremely well as Ron's co-anchor,Copy !req
542. some would even say
too well.Copy !req
543. Veronica continued to win
awards and garner praise.Copy !req
544. Ron's ego finally gave.Copy !req
545. He would love Veronica, he would even
share a news desk with her,Copy !req
546. but he would not be
outshone by her.Copy !req
547. She's got to be stopped.Copy !req
548. - This has gone too far.
- I will not be a co-anchor.Copy !req
549. Ron Burgundy is a lead anchor.Copy !req
550. She's writing
her own stories.Copy !req
551. Her own stories, Ron.Copy !req
552. Not to mention what this is doing
to your chances of going to network.Copy !req
553. It's good to have you back. That female
messed with your head big time.Copy !req
554. - I like Ron.
- Thank you, Brick.Copy !req
555. Remember
that limp-wristed fairyCopy !req
556. that was supposed to do
the financial reports?Copy !req
557. Oh, yeah, we were
51°/° sure he was gay.Copy !req
558. He was gay, all right. I made out
with him at the Christmas party.Copy !req
559. - What?
- Nothing.Copy !req
560. I say we run Corningstone out
like we did that girlie-boy.Copy !req
561. Well, I'm in.Copy !req
562. So, it's settled.
We declare war on Corningstone.Copy !req
563. By the way, Brick,
what is that you're eating?Copy !req
564. Oh, it's one of those...Copy !req
565. delicious falafel hot dogs
with cinnamon and bacon on top.Copy !req
566. What do you mean
"one of those"?Copy !req
567. Those don't exist.Copy !req
568. I mean, that's a used coffee filter
with cigarette butts on it.Copy !req
569. Well, I got it out of the food basket
at the end of the lunch line.Copy !req
570. That's the garbage can.Copy !req
571. Although with the cooking at this place,
there's not much difference.Copy !req
572. Whammy.Copy !req
573. Oh, that is true.
I didn't see that coming.Copy !req
574. An astute observation
has led to laughter.Copy !req
575. We are laughing.Copy !req
576. And it is continuing,
and then slowing down a little,Copy !req
577. - but there's still a good spirit...
- Yeah, we got it, Ron.Copy !req
578. It's getting less.
There's a little chuckle...Copy !req
579. and it's done.Copy !req
580. You really wreck moments
when you do that, Ron.Copy !req
581. Brick, please...
you're really gonna get sick.Copy !req
582. The Coast Guard
was unavailable for comment.Copy !req
583. - Veronica?
- A North Oregon man has come forwardCopy !req
584. with an antique sword
he found in his basement.Copy !req
585. It turns out the sword belonged
to Christopher ColumbusCopy !req
586. and may be worth $200,000.
The man said he wouldCopy !req
587. keep his job as a car wash attendant.
Ron?Copy !req
588. The... San Diego Padres...Copy !req
589. flew to Cincinnati.Copy !req
590. Veronica Corningstone.Copy !req
591. - Is this Veronica Corningstone?
- Yes, it is.Copy !req
592. Did you order... 10 pizzas?Copy !req
593. - No, I did not.
- Well...Copy !req
594. you got nice boobies.Copy !req
595. Excuse me?Copy !req
596. This is pathetic, Ron.Copy !req
597. What are you doing, Ron?Copy !req
598. She can see us.Copy !req
599. Damn these blinds,
I never figured them out.Copy !req
600. Lasers are becoming
more and moreCopy !req
601. a part of our daily lives.Copy !req
602. And now here's Champ Kind
with sports.Copy !req
603. Boy, you seem
kind of weird tonight, honey.Copy !req
604. It must be that time
of the month. Whammy!Copy !req
605. Padres looking at
a double header today...Copy !req
606. I'm just curious, Champ,
do you even knowCopy !req
607. what the expression
"that time of the month" means?Copy !req
608. Sure I do.Copy !req
609. It's when the bones...
in a lady...Copy !req
610. lady's boobs, they get sore.Copy !req
611. Because of the...Copy !req
612. the vaginalistic cells are...Copy !req
613. expanding.Copy !req
614. Whammy.Copy !req
615. Help.Copy !req
616. Well, I'll tell you...Copy !req
617. You girls, you talk about it
a lot and you...Copy !req
618. I know this, I know... I know...Copy !req
619. it's your little friend,Copy !req
620. and then, you gotta wear...Copy !req
621. protection.Copy !req
622. And then,Copy !req
623. the belly button
is inflamedCopy !req
624. and...Copy !req
625. and then engorging of the...Copy !req
626. - fah-la-cule.
- "Fallacule."Copy !req
627. Yeah. You might wanna
write that down, honey.Copy !req
628. - Oh, I am.
- Little lesson tonight.Copy !req
629. You didn't know you were dealing
with the science desk there?Copy !req
630. And then...Copy !req
631. nine months later is the miracle
of life. Whammy?Copy !req
632. Thank... thank you, Champ.Copy !req
633. That will do it for sports.
Back to you, Ron.Copy !req
634. Well, that was Champ Kind
with a very informative sports report.Copy !req
635. Okay, it's ringing,
it's ringing.Copy !req
636. - It's ringing.
- Here she comes, here she comes.Copy !req
637. - Pick it up.
- Pick it up!Copy !req
638. Veronica Cor...Copy !req
639. Hello, Veronica.Copy !req
640. Oh, Ron.Copy !req
641. Really stupid, boys!
Really stupid!Copy !req
642. Oh, you got her.Copy !req
643. Everybody get down,
this is a robbery!Copy !req
644. We are The Alarm Clock.Copy !req
645. It's time to let
the truth ring outCopy !req
646. and wake up
all the squaresCopy !req
647. in this city of lies!Copy !req
648. We got guns,
now fill this sack with cash!Copy !req
649. What do your masks mean?Copy !req
650. Just fill the sack
with cash!Copy !req
651. Just what point
are you trying to make?Copy !req
652. - Do you not like Lincoln?
- Yeah, of course we like Lincoln.Copy !req
653. - He freed the slaves.
- So you like Lincoln and...Copy !req
654. Nixon and...Copy !req
655. werewolves?Copy !req
656. - What?
- I mean, Nixon, whatever.Copy !req
657. He's kind of a creep,
but werewolves?Copy !req
658. Werewolves are
the walking undead.Copy !req
659. They're bloodthirsty killers.Copy !req
660. - Who likes werewolves?
- We don't like werewolves, man!Copy !req
661. - We hate werewolves!
- Well, you've got a werewolf mask on,Copy !req
662. - so...
- I can see that.Copy !req
663. Are you bloodthirsty killers?Copy !req
664. No, we are not bloodthirsty killers,
okay? We're pacifists!Copy !req
665. That's not a really smart thing to tell
somebody when you're robbing them,Copy !req
666. 'cause now I know
that you're not gonna kill me.Copy !req
667. - Man, somebody shut her up!
- No, no, listen.Copy !req
668. You've got it all wrong, okay?
They're just to cover our faces.Copy !req
669. No, I'm not gonna give you money,
because you didn't deserve it.Copy !req
670. You say you're a political group?
You come in hereCopy !req
671. with a Nixon mask,
and a werewolf maskCopy !req
672. and a Lincoln mask...
I'm gonna make connections.Copy !req
673. So, what's your statement?Copy !req
674. And this guy's not even
wearing a mask!Copy !req
675. 'Cause I don't give a shit.Copy !req
676. That's scary to me.Copy !req
677. That works.Copy !req
678. I will give that gentleman
a little bit of money.Copy !req
679. But the rest of you, beat it!Copy !req
680. What's going on?
Just get the money!Copy !req
681. Hey, listen.
Our commitment is to truth,Copy !req
682. not consistency.
Now fill the sack with cash!Copy !req
683. Fine, your commitment is to truth?
Here's some truth for you.Copy !req
684. The Alarm Clock
is a ridiculous name.Copy !req
685. - It's not scary.
- Man, she's pissing me off,Copy !req
686. - let's shoot her!
- Excuse me, sir,Copy !req
687. - could you lower your voice?
- Oh, hell no.Copy !req
688. Now you're calling me sir?Copy !req
689. I am a ma'am, ma'am.Copy !req
690. I'm sorry, I didn't know what sex
the werewolf was.Copy !req
691. How many werewolves do you see
around here wearing a skirt...Copy !req
692. and a gun? None!Copy !req
693. You know what? Get out of here,
you dicks! You're a bunch of dicks!Copy !req
694. I told you we should've
worn stocking masks.Copy !req
695. All right, let's get out of here!Copy !req
696. All right, let's go. Come on.Copy !req
697. It's been a pleasure
doing business with you.Copy !req
698. I'm coming back for you.
You got a bad attitude.Copy !req
699. You've got a bad attitude, sir.Copy !req
700. You... you're a jerk.Copy !req
701. I'm sick of this.
I'm gonna move to Tahoe.Copy !req
702. No! I mean,
be cool, baby,Copy !req
703. we're gonna get our message
on TV, I promise.Copy !req
704. I would like the next person
in line, please.Copy !req
705. Everybody get down!Copy !req
706. We are The Alarm Clock,
it's time to let the truth ring outCopy !req
707. and wake up all the squares
in this city of lies.Copy !req
708. We got guns, now fill
this sack with cash!Copy !req
709. Turn it off.Copy !req
710. This was their sloppiest
robbery yet,Copy !req
711. which could mean
they're getting desperate.Copy !req
712. - How new is this?
- Forget it.Copy !req
713. Channel 9 already aired it
as an exclusive.Copy !req
714. - Aw, man nipple!
- "Man nipple?"Copy !req
715. - Is that a curse word?
- I'm pretty sure it is.Copy !req
716. It's too bad, Ed.
We could've used a scoop like this.Copy !req
717. "Wake up all the squares
in this city of lies."Copy !req
718. God, I've heard that
somewhere before.Copy !req
719. Really?
Doesn't ring a bell to me.Copy !req
720. Donna? Donna?Copy !req
721. Donna?Copy !req
722. - I'm sorry. You okay?
- Yes.Copy !req
723. Listen, Donna,
I need the unedited tapeCopy !req
724. of the cat fashion show
that I did a while back.Copy !req
725. - Do you have that?
- Sure, Ms. Corningstone.Copy !req
726. Oh, wonderful.Copy !req
727. - Here we go.
- Oh, good, thank you.Copy !req
728. Can I just say that I think
you're fantastic?Copy !req
729. I see you,
and you're just going.Copy !req
730. And you're a girl.Copy !req
731. It just makes me
want to yell, "Keep going, girl!"Copy !req
732. or "You go, girl!"Copy !req
733. Keep working on that.Copy !req
734. "Keep it up, lady."
I don't know.Copy !req
735. - That's probably silly.
- Are we done here?Copy !req
736. - Oh, oh yeah.
- Oh, good. All right, thank you, Donna,Copy !req
737. - very much.
- And you're pretty.Copy !req
738. And I'm bisexual.Copy !req
739. I'm having a fondue party...Copy !req
740. in my pants.Copy !req
741. - You're gonna have to move off-camera.
- Hey, I can dig it.Copy !req
742. You've got to let the truth ring out,
wake up all the squaresCopy !req
743. in this city of lies.Copy !req
744. Garth, put Harken
on the phone right now,Copy !req
745. he's gonna wanna hear this.Copy !req
746. Sons of bitches.Copy !req
747. Ed?Copy !req
748. Can you spell "award"?Copy !req
749. You can't?Copy !req
750. You're watching Channel 4 NewsCopy !req
751. with Ron Burgundy,
and introducing our new lead anchor,Copy !req
752. Veronica Corningstone.Copy !req
753. It's Channel 4 News at 6:00.Copy !req
754. - I'm Ron Burgundy.
- And I'm Veronica Corningstone.Copy !req
755. Tonight's top story.
A chemical spill outside of TemeculaCopy !req
756. has closed down all lanes
of lnterstate 15.Copy !req
757. CHP has evacuated the area,Copy !req
758. and has reported
that there are no injuries.Copy !req
759. Local officials are concernedCopy !req
760. about the long-term
environmental effectsCopy !req
761. and are looking
where to place the blame.Copy !req
762. Yeah, that's nice, Billy.Copy !req
763. I've witnessed train wrecks
that weren't this ugly.Copy !req
764. Also, in other news today, if you're
planning on taking the city bus,Copy !req
765. it's gonna cost you extra.Copy !req
766. City officials have raised
bus faresCopy !req
767. from 25¢ a ride to 35¢,Copy !req
768. so you're gonna have to
dig a little deeper.Copy !req
769. Fine!Copy !req
770. I know this has been
real hard for you, Ron.Copy !req
771. I'm not gonna lie to you, Ed,
it's been a bear.Copy !req
772. - You aren't crying, are you?
- Nope.Copy !req
773. I wouldn't think
any less of you if you did.Copy !req
774. - I'm not gonna cry, come on.
- All right.Copy !req
775. If it's any consolation, Ron,
this girl is good.Copy !req
776. She is damn good.Copy !req
777. - She is a dynamic anchor.
- Yeah.Copy !req
778. What's more, she is a hell
of a journalist in the field.Copy !req
779. - I know you don't wanna hear it.
- I get it, I get it.Copy !req
780. Now look, I think it's time
that I get out on the streetsCopy !req
781. and do some real hard-hitting
journalism, you know?Copy !req
782. I wanna... I wanna...Copy !req
783. I've really been pondering, and I think
I'd make a hell of a reporter.Copy !req
784. Oh, boy, Ron,
I think that is a bad idea.Copy !req
785. You know, you don't do well
without a Teleprompter.Copy !req
786. Well, that's just a rumor, okay?Copy !req
787. Now look, let me put together
a weekly featureCopy !req
788. where I rip the lid off
of some big story.Copy !req
789. Hey, Harken, nice suspenders, dick.Copy !req
790. - What was that all about?
- That's my son.Copy !req
791. Look, Ron, people seem
to like you. I'm not sure why,Copy !req
792. but I'll tell you what. I'll put you
in the field if that's what you want.Copy !req
793. - Great.
- But you've got to do this right.Copy !req
794. I mean, follow leads,
confirm sources.Copy !req
795. I am talking real journalism,
my friend.Copy !req
796. Great. Right on.Copy !req
797. Now, what's a lead?Copy !req
798. Well, Ron, a lead
is when you find informationCopy !req
799. that "leads" you
to larger stories.Copy !req
800. - Of course, you know what a source is.
- Easy. Yes.Copy !req
801. No, I lied,
I don't know.Copy !req
802. Well, a sour... Oh, Jeez. Why don't you
just watch Corningstone?Copy !req
803. - She has a handle on what's going on.
- Okay.Copy !req
804. She's always on the phone,
she's viewing tapes.Copy !req
805. She's probably got
dozens of juicy leads.Copy !req
806. - I'll watch her like a hawk.
- You do that. I have confidence in you.Copy !req
807. - Now, I'm gonna go grab some steam.
- Great.Copy !req
808. Ron, "I'm" gonna go grab
some steam.Copy !req
809. - Right. See you, Ed.
- See you back at the office.Copy !req
810. I won't let you down.Copy !req
811. Helen?Copy !req
812. Helen, has anyone
been at my desk?Copy !req
813. Because I am missing some
very important papers that I needCopy !req
814. - for a story that I'm working on.
- Yes, Ron came by,Copy !req
815. he said there were
some naked pictures of himCopy !req
816. he wanted to get them
back from you, so...Copy !req
817. What? He did what?Copy !req
818. Oh, that... man!Copy !req
819. I hope that crazy gypsies
castrate himCopy !req
820. and feed it to the dogs!Copy !req
821. - May I have some tea?
- Yes, of course.Copy !req
822. You have such passion.Copy !req
823. All right, team, I've got
a hot lead right here.Copy !req
824. Really? Where'd you get it?Copy !req
825. - Stole it from Corningstone.
- Oh, cool, what is it?Copy !req
826. It says Paul Hauser,
a tropical fish clerk at Pet Shack,Copy !req
827. is head of the radical political group
known as The Alarm Clock.Copy !req
828. Has his home address
and everything. Oh, my golly.Copy !req
829. - This is great.
- Wow.Copy !req
830. This is a big story.
You could win the Wurlitzer for this.Copy !req
831. Hey, look, a camera.Copy !req
832. Hey, if I win the Wurlitzer,
you guys are all coming to the dinner.Copy !req
833. - What do you say we do it, gang?
- Sweet sugar brown.Copy !req
834. Step on it, Brian. We're about
to rip the lid off of this thing.Copy !req
835. I'm Ron Burgundy, San Diego,Copy !req
836. and it's time to rip
the lid off of it!Copy !req
837. I'm Ron Burgundy, reporting to you
from the mean streets of San Diego.Copy !req
838. So mean, in fact,
I feel frightened for my life.Copy !req
839. Guess what, citizens?
A political radicalCopy !req
840. who's been eluding authorities
for months is living here, among you.Copy !req
841. But I'm now going to...
rip the lid off of it!Copy !req
842. Let's go. Hurry up.Copy !req
843. Be swift. Be swift.Copy !req
844. Stay close, guys.Copy !req
845. Let's go, guys,
stay sharp.Copy !req
846. Well, if it isn't Mr. Hauser.
How are you today, devil?Copy !req
847. - What?
- You heard what I said.Copy !req
848. You are the devil incarnate.Copy !req
849. What is that, a devil sandwich
made of lies and hubris?Copy !req
850. I think you must have
the wrong house.Copy !req
851. - Do I have the wrong house?
- Yeah, Hauser lives across the street.Copy !req
852. Oh, that's a deceptive ploy,
isn't it?Copy !req
853. I ought to knock you in the hip.Copy !req
854. My name is Anthony Caltran.Copy !req
855. Why don't you shut your mouth,
you filthy piece of trash?Copy !req
856. Go to back to prison where every pervert
can pass you around for cigarettes.Copy !req
857. I don't understand.
What's happening?Copy !req
858. Would you like to tell the fine people
of San Diego what you've been up to?Copy !req
859. Lies, corruption, deceit?Copy !req
860. - Thuggery, buffoonery.
- Me?Copy !req
861. I don't like the way
you're looking at me.Copy !req
862. You should avert your gaze,
because you are a low-life scumCopy !req
863. who doesn't pay taxes and, as far
as I'm concerned, is a Communist.Copy !req
864. - No, not I.
- What would you sayCopy !req
865. if I boxed you in the ears
for San Diego?Copy !req
866. This... this ring right here
that says RB.Copy !req
867. I'd knock and break both of those...
the pair of spectacles you have on.Copy !req
868. I got problems already with my ears.
I don't need anymore.Copy !req
869. I'll give you more problems.
I'll give you problems in your kidneys.Copy !req
870. I'm gonna batter your kidneys.
Champ, hold on to the microphone here.Copy !req
871. - I'm going to town.
- Hey, Ron?Copy !req
872. - This is gonna be good.
- Ron, he's right.Copy !req
873. The mailbox, it says Caltran.
We got the wrong house.Copy !req
874. My apologies. Sorry,
you have a great day. Wrong house.Copy !req
875. We make mistakes, that's okay.
That's what happens in the news biz.Copy !req
876. All right, let's try over here.
Stay focused, guys.Copy !req
877. Stay focused,
pick up the pace!Copy !req
878. On behalf of Channel 4 News
and the "Rip the Lid Off of It" gang,Copy !req
879. I'd just like to say thank youCopy !req
880. for letting us interview you
on such short notice.Copy !req
881. I don't know why you guys
wanna talk to me,Copy !req
882. - I just sell tropical fish.
- Duly noted.Copy !req
883. As a real journalist,
I have to start with one question...Copy !req
884. Are you the leader of a radical group
known as The Alarm Clock?Copy !req
885. - No.
- Sorry to have bothered you.Copy !req
886. All right, let's get that cable up
and shove out of here.Copy !req
887. I think we should...Copy !req
888. Oh, yes.Copy !req
889. Then how do you respond
to these security photos of youCopy !req
890. outside the bank five minutes
before it was robbedCopy !req
891. by four members of the group?Copy !req
892. You're touching his face,
Brick. Look alive.Copy !req
893. Well, that happens
to be my bank.Copy !req
894. Just because I go there doesn't
make me a dangerous radical.Copy !req
895. By that logic, you could arrest anybody
who's ever been to a bank.Copy !req
896. You know, like I just... like I said,Copy !req
897. I just... I work in a pet store,
you know?Copy !req
898. Pet Shack, you know?Copy !req
899. - I sell tropical birds.
- Right.Copy !req
900. I'm not even...
I'm not much for politics.Copy !req
901. Once again, I am sorry.
Big hearty handshake there.Copy !req
902. All right, let's bring the van
around the front,Copy !req
903. and maybe get lunch
at Lancer's.Copy !req
904. I'll have a veal chop.
Would you stop coughing, Brian?Copy !req
905. - Look at these.
- Do you need a lozenge?Copy !req
906. Oh, right.
How could I forget?Copy !req
907. Then how do you explain
this clear voice matchCopy !req
908. between you and the man
in the security cam footage?Copy !req
909. A lot of guys talk like I do.Copy !req
910. - Maybe it's my brother.
- Your brother?Copy !req
911. - Hadn't thought of that.
- Or...Copy !req
912. Or maybe The Alarm Clock
is going off!Copy !req
913. You're gonna pay for this,
Ron Burgundy!Copy !req
914. Let the truth ring out!Copy !req
915. Follow him with the camera!Copy !req
916. Oh, boy, he's fast.Copy !req
917. Boy, we really ripped
the lid off of that!Copy !req
918. He took the van.Copy !req
919. Oh, my God.
He is a member of The Alarm Clock.Copy !req
920. This is fun!Copy !req
921. All right,
what do we do now?Copy !req
922. Since this report was filed,Copy !req
923. Paul Hauser has disappeared.Copy !req
924. Unfortunately, police were
just days away from arresting him,Copy !req
925. but now must start
from scratch.Copy !req
926. Well, that was
quite a story, Ron.Copy !req
927. Well, I appreciate that,
it sure was.Copy !req
928. I really kind of found myselfCopy !req
929. as a reporter, as journalist.Copy !req
930. But, that's my job.
I'm a journalist,Copy !req
931. I'm a very good journalist.Copy !req
932. I'm a damn fine journalist.Copy !req
933. And right now,
I'm sensing some jealousy.Copy !req
934. But, that's part of the game.Copy !req
935. And sometimes some people
are better, and other people aren't.Copy !req
936. So, coming up
after the commercial break,Copy !req
937. Brick Tamland, he's gonna
have a little weather report for you.Copy !req
938. We have a hot one in store
over here in Fallbrook.Copy !req
939. It's 100, and you can expect
on Tuesday...Copy !req
940. Not yet, Brick.Copy !req
941. - We'll be right back.
- We'll be right back.Copy !req
942. That's
how you do it...Copy !req
943. - by the way, P.S.
- Unbelievable.Copy !req
944. Unbelievably good.Copy !req
945. That was great,
that came off really well.Copy !req
946. Thank you, I couldn't
have done it without you guys.Copy !req
947. Impeding a federal investigation,Copy !req
948. stealing another reporter's leadCopy !req
949. and not to mention
losing an $80,000 news van,Copy !req
950. Ron was fired that night
by Ed Harken.Copy !req
951. And once again,
he hit bottom... fast.Copy !req
952. You bastard, we trusted you.Copy !req
953. In fact, Ron bottomed out
as fast as just about anyone.Copy !req
954. He sometimes bottomed out
when he couldn't find a parking placeCopy !req
955. or if the sports section
was missing from the paper.Copy !req
956. Anyway, I feel like
I'm explaining this too much.Copy !req
957. Sharon! Damn it, Sharon,Copy !req
958. I'm recording narration,
turn that phone off.Copy !req
959. Sorry about that.
So anyway, he hit bottom.Copy !req
960. You got me going in circles.Copy !req
961. It's Channel 4 News at 6:00.Copy !req
962. Good evening, San Diego.
I'm lead anchor, Veronica Corningstone.Copy !req
963. This just in.Copy !req
964. The group The Alarm Clock,
using the Channel 4 News van,Copy !req
965. - ran an armored car off the road today
- Damn it, Harken!Copy !req
966. and stole nearly $50,000.Copy !req
967. - Oh, for crying out loud!
- The group has been using the vanCopy !req
968. ever since they stole it
from former anchor, Ron Burgundy.Copy !req
969. I hope you're happy.Copy !req
970. I'm trying to just enjoy my ribs.Copy !req
971. From all of us here
at Channel 4 News,Copy !req
972. I'm Veronica CorningstoneCopy !req
973. and you stay classy, San Di...Copy !req
974. Thanks for stopping by,
San Diego.Copy !req
975. All clear.Copy !req
976. Charlie, I needed
that research last week.Copy !req
977. Well, get it to me
as soon as possible. Thank you.Copy !req
978. - Miss Corningstone?
- Yes?Copy !req
979. I tried calling the mayor's office,
but they won't call me back.Copy !req
980. Well, try again.
Tell them that it's meCopy !req
981. and that he owes me something.
He knows that.Copy !req
982. Why do you have to keep
typing this in Chinese, Lloyd?Copy !req
983. Helen, would you put Ron
on the phone?Copy !req
984. You know what? Forget it.Copy !req
985. It's all right, no.
I'll call him later.Copy !req
986. The Vs aren't working
on my typewriter.Copy !req
987. It's "eronica Corningstone."
That's horrible, they can't say that.Copy !req
988. My name's not Eronica.Copy !req
989. What did I do wrong?Copy !req
990. I'm not home right nowCopy !req
991. I am not homeCopy !req
992. I am out, so leave a messageCopy !req
993. When the machine goes beep.Copy !req
994. Ron, this is your mentor,
Jess Moondragon.Copy !req
995. I thought maybe
you'd like to talk.Copy !req
996. Jess...Copy !req
997. help me.Copy !req
998. You've done well for yourself, Jess.Copy !req
999. Yeah, I dreaded
retirement forever,Copy !req
1000. until I found this piece
of land.Copy !req
1001. - It's God's country.
- Magnificent.Copy !req
1002. Mother Nature sure got up
on the right side of bed today?Copy !req
1003. She's a giving lady,
Mother Nature, she is.Copy !req
1004. She didn't even bother
to put on makeup.Copy !req
1005. You know, I'd deeply like
to take her and...Copy !req
1006. make love to her.Copy !req
1007. She's an elusive goddess,
Mother Nature.Copy !req
1008. Yeah.Copy !req
1009. Still, to...Copy !req
1010. feel her succulent breasts
pressed against me...Copy !req
1011. and my breath,Copy !req
1012. whispering hot in her ear...Copy !req
1013. "Yeah, baby..."Copy !req
1014. while I fumble
with my belt.Copy !req
1015. You get my drift, friend?Copy !req
1016. Yeah, yeah I do.Copy !req
1017. I do, but therein
lies the rub,Copy !req
1018. for she turns away
all suitors.Copy !req
1019. I'd like to take Mother Nature
to a sleazy motel,Copy !req
1020. get in the shower and...Copy !req
1021. wash each other all over,Copy !req
1022. then go in the bedroom and do things
you can only do in Bangkok.Copy !req
1023. All right, I'm gonna
have to stop you there.Copy !req
1024. You're making me
very uncomfortable.Copy !req
1025. Sorry, Ron Burgundy, I...Copy !req
1026. Mother Nature
does that to me.Copy !req
1027. So I guess you heard
what happened to me.Copy !req
1028. I did indeed, old friend.Copy !req
1029. Everyone hates me, Jess.Copy !req
1030. I can't work anywhere.Copy !req
1031. My dream of going network
is all but dead.Copy !req
1032. Now you listen to me,Copy !req
1033. the world always needs
a good anchor,Copy !req
1034. and Ron Burgundy
is a damn fine one,Copy !req
1035. so you just hang in there.Copy !req
1036. That's your advice?
"Hang in there"?Copy !req
1037. Look, I don't know whyCopy !req
1038. you ever looked up to me
so much in the first place.Copy !req
1039. I'm not all that great a guy.Copy !req
1040. Well then, I guess
I'll be going.Copy !req
1041. You know, it's funny.Copy !req
1042. I always wanted to do a broadcast
from the observatory.Copy !req
1043. I bet you could reach
a million homes from up there.Copy !req
1044. Now I'd be happy
to reach just one.Copy !req
1045. Why don't you take
a naked nature walk with me?Copy !req
1046. - It'd cheer you up.
- Yeah, I'm not gonna do that.Copy !req
1047. I tell you, you get out there
and everything's just hanging free...Copy !req
1048. - Kind of weird.
- The deer come up, sniff you...Copy !req
1049. - Not my style.
- It's neat. Bend over to pick a flowerCopy !req
1050. - and that cold nose...
- Okay. Now I'm getting uncomfortable.Copy !req
1051. I got extra sandals.Copy !req
1052. - I bet you do.
- No, really, I mean, come on...Copy !req
1053. - Nope. Nope.
- You'd like it. It'd make me happy.Copy !req
1054. - Nope.
- Make an old man happy.Copy !req
1055. - Not gonna do it.
- Come on.Copy !req
1056. Well, hello,
Miss Anchor-liar.Copy !req
1057. Guess what? Now you're gonna
read the real news.Copy !req
1058. I hope you don't mind,
I ate some of your cottage cheese.Copy !req
1059. Hey, what're you doing?
Give me the whistle.Copy !req
1060. Let's go.
Come on, come on.Copy !req
1061. - Move!
- Move it.Copy !req
1062. Chris, how many times
have we had this conversation?Copy !req
1063. - About a million times.
- I guess it'll be a million and one,Copy !req
1064. so listen up. You cannot
hang around people's houses at nightCopy !req
1065. - wearing a ski mask.
- I'm not hanging out, I'm doing stuff.Copy !req
1066. - Well, it makes them nervous.
- Sorry, Dad. God.Copy !req
1067. If you have to be back there,
take a look,Copy !req
1068. see what you gotta see
and then leave like a gentleman.Copy !req
1069. - Bitch.
- And if they start to scream,Copy !req
1070. - don't try to "shut them up."
- Is it cool if I smoke a joint?Copy !req
1071. Now what do you think?Copy !req
1072. Oh, sweet. Thanks, dude.Copy !req
1073. Will you put that thing out?Copy !req
1074. Shut up! You're not
the boss of me anymore, I'm 14!Copy !req
1075. See the hair on my chest?
It means I'm a man now.Copy !req
1076. I'm sorry I didn't see it.
You think you're tough?Copy !req
1077. Take a swing.
I'll hit you so hardCopy !req
1078. you'll be wearing a catheter
as a charm bracelet.Copy !req
1079. I'm right here!
I'm gonna kill myself!Copy !req
1080. Oh, promises, promises!Copy !req
1081. - Ed! I'm sorry to interrupt.
- It's all right. We wereCopy !req
1082. just having a little
father and son chat.Copy !req
1083. Veronica's MIA. The police found
this note in her apartment.Copy !req
1084. "Dig it, at long last,
Miss News WitchCopy !req
1085. will read the truth."
Signed The Alarm Clock.Copy !req
1086. See, Dad? I told you I wasn't
part of that group.Copy !req
1087. Okay, it looks like
I owe your mother $10.Copy !req
1088. Always accusing me.Copy !req
1089. Hey, don't "boge" on my jay!
What's up?Copy !req
1090. Oh... never mind!Copy !req
1091. I'll hold that as evidence.
You take this down to fingerprinting.Copy !req
1092. We don't have fingerprinting,
do we? Just file it.Copy !req
1093. You'd do well
to emulate that young man.Copy !req
1094. He's pulled himself up
by his bootstraps.Copy !req
1095. "Garth, take this down
and put it in the files."Copy !req
1096. - "Garth, do everything I say."
- Oh, that's a nice mouth.Copy !req
1097. I suppose you wanna
be like your friendCopy !req
1098. who's so proud of himself
'cause he's considered a model prisoner.Copy !req
1099. Spider at least
has a good heart.Copy !req
1100. In local news...Copy !req
1101. Dr. Jim BavelickCopy !req
1102. grew the world's largest tomato.Copy !req
1103. Hey, fella,Copy !req
1104. you need to take a bath.
You're starting to stink.Copy !req
1105. You don't talk to me like that,
I'm an anchorman.Copy !req
1106. You take care of that stink,
or I'm gonna call the police.Copy !req
1107. - You hear me, Ace?
- Yeah, I hear you, Ace!Copy !req
1108. I'll crush your balls
in these two cups here.Copy !req
1109. - What did you say?
- I said I'll crush...Copy !req
1110. This is Wes Mantooth reporting
live from the residenceCopy !req
1111. of rival anchorperson
Veronica Corningstone,Copy !req
1112. where last night she was
apparently kidnapped by The Alarm Clock.Copy !req
1113. Veronica.Copy !req
1114. Police believe that the group
is trying to get Miss CorningstoneCopy !req
1115. to anchor a pirate broadcast
from an unknown locationCopy !req
1116. of their sick, twisted message.Copy !req
1117. And while it is not my job
to speculate,Copy !req
1118. odds are...Copy !req
1119. she's probably already dead.Copy !req
1120. I wonder where those
hippies took her.Copy !req
1121. It must be somewhere
with a big enough broadcast radius...Copy !req
1122. Eli Whitney's nose!Copy !req
1123. I know where they are!
The San Diego Observatory.Copy !req
1124. - It's the highest point in the area.
- You need to call the cops,Copy !req
1125. - there's a phone right by the door.
- No.Copy !req
1126. If they go up there
with their sirens blaring,Copy !req
1127. those crazies could panic.Copy !req
1128. I did this.
Now I have to make it right.Copy !req
1129. Good evening, I'm Ron Burgundy.Copy !req
1130. Son of a man nipple.Copy !req
1131. Mother-flippin'
Ron Burgundy is back.Copy !req
1132. If I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna need
my news team at my side.Copy !req
1133. News team...Copy !req
1134. assemble!Copy !req
1135. I'm sorry we turned
our backs on you, Ron.Copy !req
1136. I'm sorry, Ron. That was horrible.Copy !req
1137. Hey, all is forgiven, all right?Copy !req
1138. I'm just glad we're
back together as a team.Copy !req
1139. - We love you, Ron.
- Thanks, man.Copy !req
1140. I love you, Ron.Copy !req
1141. I said I love you, Ron.Copy !req
1142. Why is everyone ignoring me?Copy !req
1143. I love you, Ron.Copy !req
1144. And I think we should
adopt a child together in Vermont.Copy !req
1145. Answer me!Copy !req
1146. So...Copy !req
1147. the car's running great.Copy !req
1148. - Oh, yeah, yeah.
- Take it in for a tune-up?Copy !req
1149. - Yeah. Changed the oil and...
- Good.Copy !req
1150. Answer me! Ron!Copy !req
1151. Ron...Copy !req
1152. I know you heard me.Copy !req
1153. I love you.Copy !req
1154. And I wanna be with you...Copy !req
1155. like men.
I wanna be inside you.Copy !req
1156. I want you inside me.Copy !req
1157. - Anybody up for the radio?
- I would love to hear the radio.Copy !req
1158. No radio!
I have something to say to Ron!Copy !req
1159. You know I've had feelings
for you for a long time.Copy !req
1160. We'd be good together,
Ron, I... I...Copy !req
1161. I'm a good cook.Copy !req
1162. Do you like your feet rubbed?
I bet you do.Copy !req
1163. I'll rub 'em,
and maybe we could...Copy !req
1164. get married in a ceremony
presided over by Roger Staubach.Copy !req
1165. I already called him last week,
I hope that's okay.Copy !req
1166. Mexican food on me?Copy !req
1167. - Thanks. Sounds okay.
- Yeah, burrito.Copy !req
1168. Say it!Copy !req
1169. Say, "Champ Burgundy."
Say it!Copy !req
1170. Tostada.Copy !req
1171. - Tostadas would be great.
- Oh, man.Copy !req
1172. I am in love
with Ron Burgundy!Copy !req
1173. I'm always thinking
about you, Ron.Copy !req
1174. I have dream journals
about you.Copy !req
1175. Filled pages.Copy !req
1176. When I make love to women,
I close my eyesCopy !req
1177. and think of you
when I finish.Copy !req
1178. Ron Burgundy...Copy !req
1179. Is in love with meCopy !req
1180. Ron BurgundyCopy !req
1181. And Champion KindCopy !req
1182. Oh, let's be
so beautiful togetherCopy !req
1183. Running in the grassCopy !req
1184. In the summer and the fallCopy !req
1185. And wintertime, too.Copy !req
1186. - How much longer do you think, Brian?
- It's gotta be another five minutes.Copy !req
1187. - The problem is the altitude.
- Right.Copy !req
1188. Ron?
I know you can hear me.Copy !req
1189. I wanna...Copy !req
1190. I wanna kiss you
on the mouth.Copy !req
1191. I wanna...Copy !req
1192. Ron...Copy !req
1193. Ron.Copy !req
1194. Ron...Copy !req
1195. - It's good to get my parking spot back.
- Yeah.Copy !req
1196. I love you!Copy !req
1197. Don't ignore me!Copy !req
1198. I am in love with Ron Burgundy!Copy !req
1199. Hey, girl.Copy !req
1200. Man, the transmitter's
all set up.Copy !req
1201. From this altitude,
we can overlap into every channel,Copy !req
1202. every station, every frequency.Copy !req
1203. Dig it. It's time
to light this bad boy up.Copy !req
1204. I'm gonna tell you.Copy !req
1205. Hello, gentlemen.Copy !req
1206. Everything is ready for you.Copy !req
1207. Thank you, Jess Moondragon.Copy !req
1208. Boy, you should really
put some pants on.Copy !req
1209. It's all right. Now remember,Copy !req
1210. the observatory
is directly over that mountain pass.Copy !req
1211. - Right.
- That's some rough country,Copy !req
1212. - How're we gonna get up there?
- As I said...Copy !req
1213. everything is ready for you.Copy !req
1214. God be with you,
Channel 4 News Team!Copy !req
1215. God be with you!Copy !req
1216. This is serious, this is not a...Copy !req
1217. No, don't do that to him.Copy !req
1218. Let's go, fellas. Give 110°/°.Copy !req
1219. Come on! We've almost got it!Copy !req
1220. Stay close, gang.Copy !req
1221. This is treacherous country.Copy !req
1222. My ankle.Copy !req
1223. Gentlemen...Copy !req
1224. bad news.
I believe we're lost.Copy !req
1225. Ron, what're we gonna do?
We don't have any food or water.Copy !req
1226. Take it easy!
Just everyone relax!Copy !req
1227. If we panic, we die!
Okay? Easy!Copy !req
1228. Now...Copy !req
1229. Okay, let's check
the wind direction.Copy !req
1230. And f...
No, no, shut up!Copy !req
1231. Everyone shut up!
We've got...Copy !req
1232. some very tough decisions
to make in the next couple of hours...Copy !req
1233. or maybe even months.Copy !req
1234. Or even years, I don't know.Copy !req
1235. Just spit it out, RB.
You're talking about cannibalism.Copy !req
1236. Am I? Is that
what I'm talking about?Copy !req
1237. I guess I am.
I'm talking about cannibalism.Copy !req
1238. Developed by the Japanese
in the 1800s,Copy !req
1239. and now we're
going to use itCopy !req
1240. in present day time.Copy !req
1241. The eating of flesh
for the sustention of life.Copy !req
1242. What do you think of that?Copy !req
1243. It's about to happen!Copy !req
1244. It'll have to be the weakest one.Copy !req
1245. Sweet Lord, I don't know
if I can eat a friend.Copy !req
1246. I once ate
an entire bowl of Legos.Copy !req
1247. I don't care, Brick!Copy !req
1248. I just don't care!Copy !req
1249. How's that twisted ankle
of yours doing, Brian?Copy !req
1250. It's fine. I barely
even feel it anymore.Copy !req
1251. Please, Brian, please.Copy !req
1252. - Don't struggle.
- What are you guys doing?Copy !req
1253. Come on.
It's for the good of the group.Copy !req
1254. Just lay down
so we can eat you.Copy !req
1255. - Oh, no.
- Don't make this any harderCopy !req
1256. - than it has to be.
- Stay away from me, you bastards!Copy !req
1257. Let me do it, Ron. Don't need you
being implicated in this murder.Copy !req
1258. Hush, little baby,
Daddy's coming to eat youCopy !req
1259. Mamma's gonna buy you...
a back of your calf.Copy !req
1260. Wait, don't eat me, don't eat me.
Eat Brick, he won't care.Copy !req
1261. No, that's fine.Copy !req
1262. - You're a lot leaner.
- Stop it. Guys.Copy !req
1263. Please relax.Copy !req
1264. Think of something
relaxing, like a streamCopy !req
1265. - or a meadow.
- Stay away from me!Copy !req
1266. - Stay away from me!
- Okay, yeah.Copy !req
1267. - Back, back, back!
- Let me do it.Copy !req
1268. I've wanted to do this
for a long time.Copy !req
1269. Dreamt of it.
Dreams of Fantana!Copy !req
1270. - Stay away!
- I'm gonna eat your faceCopy !req
1271. off your bones, Fantana!Copy !req
1272. Let me do it, Ron!Copy !req
1273. You say it,
and I'll kill this man!Copy !req
1274. - Do it, Champ. Drop the rock.
- No, guys, come on!Copy !req
1275. Drop the rock.
Drop the rock.Copy !req
1276. - It was an accident, that's all.
- Pretend I'm a wolverine.Copy !req
1277. - We had to eat him! We had to!
- Don't struggle. It's for the group.Copy !req
1278. I've never even slept
with a lady!Copy !req
1279. Hey, you guys.
Look at the big white bubbly building!Copy !req
1280. Good work, Brick.
All right, team. Let's move out.Copy !req
1281. Keep a tight perimeter.Copy !req
1282. Nice job.Copy !req
1283. All right, gang,Copy !req
1284. it's real simple.Copy !req
1285. Just like when we were
back together in 'Nam in '64.Copy !req
1286. I'll take the point...Copy !req
1287. Stand down, Corporal Burgundy.Copy !req
1288. I'm running this show now.Copy !req
1289. - Affirmative, a-ffir-ma-tive?
- Affirmative.Copy !req
1290. I'll take point.
Champ, right flank.Copy !req
1291. Gator Dirty Teacup.
We will fan out,Copy !req
1292. to a cobra
double-helix formation.Copy !req
1293. If we encounter any hostiles,Copy !req
1294. silent throat cuts only.Copy !req
1295. On my... mark.Copy !req
1296. Looks like the captain's back.Copy !req
1297. Any word yet from the police?Copy !req
1298. Nothing. No sign of her.Copy !req
1299. No one's heard from the rest
of the news team either.Copy !req
1300. Well, I hope they find them soon.Copy !req
1301. These weekend anchors
we have to fill in are...Copy !req
1302. just not cutting it.Copy !req
1303. - One of our own is missing.
- Ready two.Copy !req
1304. Miss Corningstone
of this station, this very station,Copy !req
1305. is missing. We are looking for...Copy !req
1306. any information
we have on the lady.Copy !req
1307. And you can call...
you can call this number.Copy !req
1308. - Where's the friggin' number?
- Ready two.Copy !req
1309. I do have a message
for one of our viewers.Copy !req
1310. Mommy, if you're watching,
don't be scared.Copy !req
1311. I didn't know I was coming to work
today, they called last minute.Copy !req
1312. I left spaghetti on the stove,
and I swear to God,Copy !req
1313. I will cut your hair tomorrow.Copy !req
1314. I want them off the air now!Copy !req
1315. Why don't you think
about losing the beard?Copy !req
1316. Her name... I can't... lan!Copy !req
1317. I can't find the number!Copy !req
1318. You see, Mamma?
You see, I told you I was for real.Copy !req
1319. When that anchor witch
reads our manifesto,Copy !req
1320. this city's gonna go crazy
with the truth.Copy !req
1321. - Have you finished the manifesto?
- Yeah, it's almost done.Copy !req
1322. I gotta get a new typewriter ribbon.
It's all up here.Copy !req
1323. Ron! Ron, be careful.Copy !req
1324. Blink and you're dead,
'cause we're in Rome now.Copy !req
1325. Well, if it isn't
Whitey McWhitington.Copy !req
1326. Oh, Ron, I can't believe
you came for me.Copy !req
1327. I've been thinking
about you every second.Copy !req
1328. Part of the time wanting to kill you,
because of my hatred.Copy !req
1329. Another time,
wanting to make love to youCopy !req
1330. in a 24-hour endless cycle.Copy !req
1331. Ron, there's something
that you should know.Copy !req
1332. You needn't say a word.Copy !req
1333. But Ron, I wasn't myself.Copy !req
1334. I was angry, I was consumed
with ambition and I'm sorry.Copy !req
1335. I'm sorry, my little chinchilla.Copy !req
1336. If it wasn't
for my stupid pride,Copy !req
1337. we wouldn't be here right now.Copy !req
1338. Okay, here's what's gonna happen,
Miss Corningstone.Copy !req
1339. In 10 minutes,
we're going live.Copy !req
1340. At that point, you will read
our statement.Copy !req
1341. The hell I will.Copy !req
1342. Then we kill you.Copy !req
1343. Go ahead. I am an anchorCopy !req
1344. and I would rather die
than lose my credibility.Copy !req
1345. I'll do it.Copy !req
1346. I've just been informed
by law enforcementCopy !req
1347. that this is the largest
search-and-rescue operationCopy !req
1348. ever to be conducted
in the San Diego metropolitan area.Copy !req
1349. Is this worth our tax dollars?Copy !req
1350. Maybe it is. You decide that.Copy !req
1351. One thing here today
is for sure, though,Copy !req
1352. this is a frightening
and confusing story.Copy !req
1353. But I'm here for you, San Diego.Copy !req
1354. Go on, pull up a chair.
Put your hand on the TV set.Copy !req
1355. We'll get through
this thing together.Copy !req
1356. I am Wes Mantooth,Copy !req
1357. journalist, friend...Copy !req
1358. human being.Copy !req
1359. Listen up, everybody. We're going
live on the air in two minutes.Copy !req
1360. I'm ready to go here.Copy !req
1361. But I have to be honest with you...Copy !req
1362. this copy you've handed me,
it's not your best work.Copy !req
1363. It's awful. But I can't possibly
read this on the air.Copy !req
1364. Besides, it needs to be typed
and preferably double-spaced.Copy !req
1365. Courier, Helvetica, Monaco,
I don't know.Copy !req
1366. Okay, all right, enough.
I'm... I'm almost finished.Copy !req
1367. I'm almost done.
I've just got to...Copy !req
1368. - do this one part here.
- Man! What the hell, Paul?Copy !req
1369. You been writing that manifesto
for three months, man.Copy !req
1370. - Read it before I kick your ass.
- Yeah, you jive turkey, read it.Copy !req
1371. You wanna hear the manifesto?
Okay, fine, here it is!Copy !req
1372. Here is how The Alarm Clock
will change the world forever!Copy !req
1373. All right, you know how
when we...Copy !req
1374. drink beer or soda,Copy !req
1375. and then we throw out
the bottles and cans?Copy !req
1376. Well, how about we start savingCopy !req
1377. those bottles and cans?Copy !req
1378. Reuse them.Copy !req
1379. You are a lunatic.Copy !req
1380. Yeah, you'd need a whole 'nother
garbage can for the bottles.Copy !req
1381. - People would never do that.
- Well, wait, what about...Copy !req
1382. you didn't let me get to the part
about electric carsCopy !req
1383. so we don't have to be
dependent on foreign oil!Copy !req
1384. Electric cars?Copy !req
1385. Man, are you high right now?Copy !req
1386. You are, aren't you?
I know you took some of my weed!Copy !req
1387. Some of my weed is missingCopy !req
1388. out of my purse.
It was you!Copy !req
1389. I would just shoot him
right now.Copy !req
1390. We gotta... we gotta
let the people knowCopy !req
1391. that meat is good for you,Copy !req
1392. and potatoes make you fat!Copy !req
1393. Oh, man.Copy !req
1394. You know what? I cannot believe
I did you in the hammock.Copy !req
1395. I gave you all my Juicy Fruit,
and then you treat me like this.Copy !req
1396. - I have had it!
- We can't read this crap on the air.Copy !req
1397. We should all have computersCopy !req
1398. in our houses, every one of us,
so that we could talk to each otherCopy !req
1399. - with the computers.
- That's gonna happen.Copy !req
1400. Now you're talkin' crazy.Copy !req
1401. Man, did you eat lunch today?Copy !req
1402. Man, you'll make us look like
we some kind of joke.Copy !req
1403. Man, this guy's a fake.
Hey, you, anchorman.Copy !req
1404. Get on the TV
and make us sound good.Copy !req
1405. Matter of fact, get on there
and do some of that NewspeakCopy !req
1406. so we can have the people
hear about truth and freedom.Copy !req
1407. They'll believe you.
Get on there, man.Copy !req
1408. It's just not that simple.
I need a TeleprompterCopy !req
1409. and I need proper copy.Copy !req
1410. - Then the pretty lady dies.
- Ron.Copy !req
1411. Man, look, make us
sound good or the lady dies.Copy !req
1412. We're on live in 10, nine,Copy !req
1413. - eight, seven, six...
- I need a Teleprompter, I can't!Copy !req
1414. - Ron...
- five, four,Copy !req
1415. three, two, and we're live.Copy !req
1416. three, two, and we're live.Copy !req
1417. What's happening, Daddy?Copy !req
1418. What happened to the TV?Copy !req
1419. What in the Sam Hill...
what's going on?Copy !req
1420. It's on all three channels,
there's not a thing I can do.Copy !req
1421. They're breaking our signal.Copy !req
1422. What the hell's
wrong with him?Copy !req
1423. Good lord!
He's got no Teleprompter.Copy !req
1424. He... has no words.Copy !req
1425. Wash... washcloth.Copy !req
1426. Damn it.Copy !req
1427. My name is Ron...Copy !req
1428. I can't think of a word.Copy !req
1429. Think of any word, just say it.Copy !req
1430. Camel...Copy !req
1431. Process the informa...
It's just a blank slate.Copy !req
1432. When I close my eyes,
it's a blank slate.Copy !req
1433. Man, this guy's a fool, man!
Smoke that chick!Copy !req
1434. Happy birthday to me.Copy !req
1435. Ron, say something.Copy !req
1436. My name is Kyle...
My name is Big Mark.Copy !req
1437. It's too loud. It's too loud.Copy !req
1438. My name is Big...Copy !req
1439. Too loud.
I'm Ron Channely...Copy !req
1440. I'm Mark A-As-Aspen.Copy !req
1441. Aspen, Colorado. Mark.
Florida, pancake.Copy !req
1442. Astronauts are on the moon.
There's astronauts everywhere.Copy !req
1443. Watch out for the astronauts.Copy !req
1444. Ron.Copy !req
1445. There's no Teleprompter,
I can't do it.Copy !req
1446. Ron, it's jazz.
It's jazz, baby.Copy !req
1447. Let it flow. Let it flow.Copy !req
1448. I can feel it.
I can feel it.Copy !req
1449. Good evening.
I'm Ron Burgundy,Copy !req
1450. reporting from life.
I'd first like to apologizeCopy !req
1451. for my past
and hateful transgressions.Copy !req
1452. I am sorry, dear San Diego.Copy !req
1453. First of all, I'd like you to know
that I'm safe.Copy !req
1454. However, I'm under
the careful scrutinyCopy !req
1455. of a group of young upstarts
who call themselves The Alarm Clock.Copy !req
1456. And I have to say, although
their methods may be questionable,Copy !req
1457. they are on the roadCopy !req
1458. to righteous truth.Copy !req
1459. That's it, that's it.
Use them anchorman tricks.Copy !req
1460. Have all them people follow us.Copy !req
1461. A road that if you follow it
with your heart,Copy !req
1462. it will lead you, oddly enough,
by the old Mobil stationCopy !req
1463. - near the old pickle stand...
- Wait a minute.Copy !req
1464. He's giving directions
to where they are.Copy !req
1465. - Take this down.
- ... to Old Gearson Road.Copy !req
1466. A group that outshinesCopy !req
1467. - many of the radicals...
- Good, you're good.Copy !req
1468. we come across today.
In fact, they are bright,Copy !req
1469. pearly, shining stars,
that needn't be observedCopy !req
1470. by, say, a telescope
in an observatory.Copy !req
1471. - Hey, he's narcing on us!
- He's telling the cops where we are!Copy !req
1472. News team! Commence
Delta, Charlie, Charlie!Copy !req
1473. Yo, yo, yo!
We've been burned!Copy !req
1474. What in the name of Solomon?Copy !req
1475. What the shit?Copy !req
1476. Oh, I'm gonna kill these punks.Copy !req
1477. - News team!
- Let's rock.Copy !req
1478. - Good work, team.
- Garbanzo!Copy !req
1479. It's just a new catch phrase
I was trying out instead of whammy.Copy !req
1480. No, I'd stick
with whammy, Champ.Copy !req
1481. Whammy works.Copy !req
1482. I like whammy better.
Stick with whammy.Copy !req
1483. I'm not a fake!Copy !req
1484. Let the revolution begin!Copy !req
1485. Veronica!Copy !req
1486. Ron!Copy !req
1487. Spiderman's balls,
that hurt!Copy !req
1488. Oh, Mr. Burgundy,
you took a bullet for me.Copy !req
1489. And I would not do that again.Copy !req
1490. Let's be clear on that.
I care for you deeply, but...Copy !req
1491. that... it hurts!Copy !req
1492. Oh, it hurts like a bitchy-bitch.Copy !req
1493. Mr. Burgundy, there are
literally thousands of menCopy !req
1494. that I should
be with instead, but...Copy !req
1495. I love you.Copy !req
1496. - Baby, cuff me. Cuff me back up.
- Yes.Copy !req
1497. - You're gonna get cuffed.
- Cuff me back up, yes!Copy !req
1498. - Oh, yeah.
- Yeah. Now we're doing this.Copy !req
1499. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
1500. You're cutting off the circulation
to my hindquarters.Copy !req
1501. - It's hypnotic...
- Release the pressure.Copy !req
1502. - ... yet disgusting.
- I'm gonna pass out.Copy !req
1503. - That feels good, baby.
- That feels good.Copy !req
1504. That's nice.Copy !req
1505. Now it's gonna get good.
Now it's gonna get good.Copy !req
1506. Get it off, get it off.Copy !req
1507. Get that off, get that off.Copy !req
1508. - Punch me in the arm. Oh, again!
- Did it hurt, baby?Copy !req
1509. - Yes.
- Did it hurt?Copy !req
1510. Wake up the black lady.Copy !req
1511. Cuff me, cuff me, cuff me.Copy !req
1512. Oh, yes, yes, yes!Copy !req
1513. - Slap it, slap me, slap me.
- What do I slap?Copy !req
1514. Slap my ass, Daddy!Copy !req
1515. Yes! Yes! Yes!Copy !req
1516. - I'm gonna punch it now.
- Oh, mommy likes those tomatoes!Copy !req
1517. - I wanna bite it!
- I like those tomatoes!Copy !req
1518. - I'm hungry.
- Yeah.Copy !req
1519. We don't need to see this anymore.
Let's go to Charlie Lancer'sCopy !req
1520. - and get you a candle.
- Candle!Copy !req
1521. A nice red one.Copy !req
1522. As for the news team,Copy !req
1523. Brian Fantana is still
a successful reality TV host.Copy !req
1524. And recently
he married Paula Abdul.Copy !req
1525. The ceremony took place at Shutters
and Lorenzo Lamas was the best man.Copy !req
1526. Champ Kind
has fallen on hard timesCopy !req
1527. since being fired
as an NFL commentator.Copy !req
1528. He now sells those big crayon balloons
in the parking lot of the lce Capades.Copy !req
1529. And will say "Whammy!"
at birthday parties for $20Copy !req
1530. and a 12-pack of Stroh's.Copy !req
1531. After serving as Bush's
top political advisor for three years,Copy !req
1532. Brick went in
to the private sector,Copy !req
1533. where he is now
the CEO of Halliburton.Copy !req
1534. Mr. Burgundy, Chad Reynolds,
I'm with the network.Copy !req
1535. We're doing a when-the-newsman-
becomes-the-news angle.Copy !req
1536. How would you like to report
your own story?Copy !req
1537. Network?Copy !req
1538. I'm Ron Burgundy. If you're looking
for the best coverage of this story,Copy !req
1539. you need the best journalist.Copy !req
1540. And that would be
this little lady right behind me.Copy !req
1541. - Oh, no, Ron, I can't.
- Yes, you can.Copy !req
1542. You're the best I've ever seen,Copy !req
1543. - and that's a fact.
- Oh, Ron.Copy !req
1544. Can you feel it?Copy !req
1545. This is a very, very special
and emotional moment.Copy !req
1546. I've learned to accept you
for who you areCopy !req
1547. and I'm a much better man
because of it.Copy !req
1548. - Ron.
- It's so special.Copy !req
1549. - And it's happening right now.
- Honey, you're wrecking it.Copy !req
1550. Right.Copy !req
1551. Have at it, my little wild flower.Copy !req
1552. I'm Veronica Corningstone
reporting for Channel 4 News.Copy !req
1553. Today could have been
a very dark dayCopy !req
1554. if not for the quick thinking
of one brave man:Copy !req
1555. - Ron Burgundy.
- Ron Burgundy, I hate you.Copy !req
1556. But damn it, I respect you.Copy !req
1557. Wes Mantooth is still in
San Diego and still number two.Copy !req
1558. And he still hates Ron BurgundyCopy !req
1559. with an unnatural burning intensity.Copy !req
1560. The Alarm Clock was jailed
for five yearsCopy !req
1561. but, upon being released,Copy !req
1562. started a little company
called Macintosh.Copy !req
1563. They are now worth
six billion dollarsCopy !req
1564. and own the San Jose Sharks
hockey team.Copy !req
1565. All photos and tapes
of Ron BurgundyCopy !req
1566. have long since been
thrown away or erased.Copy !req
1567. He's but a memory now
for a select few.Copy !req
1568. But talk to one
of those old timersCopy !req
1569. and they'll lean in
and say one thing...Copy !req
1570. Ron Burgundy
was the truth.Copy !req