Waitress: The Musical (2023)

1. What's the special pie today?

2. - Deep shit blueberry bacon. - Deep shit?

3. Dish! Deep dish! Sorry, Cal.

4. Make the coffee strong enough to chew.

5. Order up!

6. Becky!

7. Come on, Becky, put some hustle in that bustle.

8. Cal, does your ass ever get jealous

9. of the constant crap that comes out of your mouth?

10. Ooh, howdy, Joe. What'll it be?

11. It's warm in here. I'm warm.

12. - Okay, I'll let Cal know. - Let Cal know.

13. - I'll let Cal know. - Okay, listen up.

14. Today, I want a big piece of your deep dish blueberry bacon pie

15. with my scrambled eggs and toast.

16. And a tomato on the side on its own plate.

17. Okay. No potatoes with that?

18. Did I say anything about potatoes?

19. Where'd you get potatoes from?

20. Okay, no potatoes. Tomato. That everything?

21. No. I also want coffee. But don't bring that first.

22. Bring me water first with the meal and the coffee after.

23. Are you okay? Am I making you sick?

24. Sorry, I'm just feeling a tad queasy.

25. You okay, Jenna?

26. Yeah, I'm fine. Too much coffee is all.

27. Avoiding it ain't gonna make it go away.

28. - No. - Hey. Hey. Hey!

29. - Where the hell y'all going? - To the beach. Pack us a lunch.

30. There's no one on the floor!

31. Am I supposed to put on a waitress uniform myself?

32. Hey, whatever floats your boat, Cal.

33. Let me remind you I can fire your ass.

34. Sorry, Cal, we can't hear you. The water's running.

35. Get out here!

36. I'm only saying it once.

37. This is the last time I'm gonna say it!

38. Dammit.

39. Hey, I gotta get back to my table.

40. Jenna, time to pee on a stick.

41. Oh, I don't wanna know!

42. Here. All right, read the instructions.

43. - Se puede saber... - In English!

44. Oh. Do not insert the test stick into your vagina.

45. Wow. Thank you, Dawn!

46. Oh, I love that red dress. The way it sparkles

47. it looks like an ice skating outfit.

48. Stay with us, Dawn.

49. What if his boys don't swim?

50. I mean, wow, miraculous luck.

51. Yeah, miraculous.

52. I thought you don't sleep with your husband much anymore.

53. We got drunk. I do stupid things when I drink.

54. Like sleep with my husband.

55. Honey, we've all made that mistake.

56. Shit.

57. - Honey, are you all right? - Shh, shh, shh.

58. I'm inventing a new pie in my head.

59. I'm gonna call it I Don't Want Earl's Baby Pie.

60. I don't think we can write that on the menu board.

61. Then I'll just call it Betrayed By My Eggs Pie.

62. What's gonna be in it?

63. Crack an egg, combine with sausage

64. and soak it in beer,

65. mix in cheesy red dressing

66. and add extra shortening in your crust

67. to trap the moisture in forever.

68. Jenna, this ain't something you can just tuck into a pie.

69. Hey! Pledge the sorority later!

70. Y'all don't do your work, I'll dock your pay.

71. And, lady, you are really pushing my buttons today.

72. Hmm, well, which one is mute?

73. Waitress!

74. Who do you have to know around here to get a piece of pie?

75. - Earl - Hey sweet thing.

76. Hey, what are you doing here?

77. Taking the rest of the day off.

78. What about work?

79. That friggin' foreman.

80. So he was on my ass for being late.

81. But I told him don't blame the line at Taco Bell on me.

82. I don't belong in that shit job.

83. - Where's my kiss? - Earl, I got to get back to work.

84. They can wait.

85. How we doing today?

86. Yeah, it's not bad, but it's not great.

87. Hey, you know what? I've been thinking.

88. I don't think it's worth you working here at this diner.

89. I don't like those girls.

90. That one looks at me like I just killed her dog.

91. No, I think I'd rather have you home

92. baking me pies all day long.

93. Oh, damn this is tasty.

94. Yeah? Last piece left.

95. It sold so fast today I couldn't quite believe it.

96. Oh, don't go getting a big head or nothing.

97. I mean, this is good,

98. but let's face it, you ain't no Sara Lee.

99. You used to say my pies were so good I could open my own shop.

100. I was just trying to get laid.

101. My husband's a jerk chicken pot pie.

102. Pound chicken 'til it's unrecognizable.

103. Pack flour quickly.

104. Use only essential ingredients.

105. Then simmer without a lid,

106. allowing the vapor to escape swiftly from the mixture.

107. Jenna! Jenna! Jenna!

108. You're not listening to me!

109. And you know what? I work hard.

110. And you want for nothing, you can't even listen to me.

111. I'll work on that, Earl.

112. Am I imagining it?

113. Are your boobies getting bigger?

114. Like they practically grew a whole size overnight.

115. That's crazy, Earl.

116. Maybe you're just eating a little too much pie.

117. Mm-hmm.

118. All right, I'm outta here.

119. Hey, you tell your friends about this bad boy?

120. Earl.

121. In medieval font.

122. Now don't get too close 'cause the ink is still drying.

123. Now that must be helpful,

124. just in case he forgets who he is.

125. Jenna, life is a shit show.

126. My left boob is now so much lower than my right

127. I'm lucky I don't trip over it.

128. And I'm married to Drooling Phil The Invalid

129. and buying Depends by the bulk.

130. And Dawn here has never had a boyfriend

131. and eats TV dinners alone every night.

132. Chicken Kiev on Monday, veal piccata on Tuesday.

133. But we still wouldn't rather be you.

134. No, we sure wouldn't.

135. Everybody's got something they're dealing with.

136. Don't worry about me. It'll be fine.

137. Yeah, some father Earl's gonna be.

138. Look, hon,

139. don't hold yourself to vows and promises you made

140. when you were too young to know who the hell he really was!

141. Earl wasn't always like this.

142. He's just going through a rough time is all.

143. What's the shelf life on that excuse.

144. I couldn't even afford to leave him now.

145. You can move in with me.

146. It's a studio, but I have a full size twin.

147. That's real sweet, Dawn, but I have a baby coming.

148. Jenna, dust the flour out of your brain.

149. Do that baby a favor and leave his sorry ass.

150. - He'd never let me. - Honey, it's not up to him.

151. Okay, look, I got 14 pies to make that ain't gonna bake themselves.

152. - Jenna! - Life's Just Peachy Peachy Keen pie.

153. - Jenna! - Where There's A Whisk There's A Way pie.

154. Oh, Lord

155. Mrs. Hunterson, the doctor will see you now.

156. Hello. Mrs. Bunterson?

157. Hunterson. Who are you?

158. I'm your doctor?

159. I'm Doctor Pomatter. You brought a pie?

160. Gah, you know, I've only been in town a few weeks

161. I'm already— I am— I am so impressed

162. with the genuine hospitality of the place.

163. You're not my doctor. Lily Perkins is my doctor.

164. This pie is for her. It's her favorite.

165. Mermaid Marshmallow.

166. I am sorry to say she's not seeing any patients.

167. She is semi-retired now.

168. What?

169. Long story. Making it short.

170. I'm the junior doctor on staff.

171. I am from Connecticut.

172. I just moved here two weeks ago.

173. - Are you bored yet? - Yes. No.

174. I'm so sorry. Anyway, if you're not comfortable

175. having me as your doctor...

176. that's fine.

177. My feelings will not be hurt.

178. You can just go

179. and you can get yourself another gynecologist in the area.

180. But Dr. Perkins delivered me.

181. She's been my doctor forever. I really like and trust her.

182. Maybe you can really like and trust me, too?

183. It doesn't happen that fast,

184. but I'll try.

185. Okay. Okay, that's good.

186. I'm your doctor.

187. - It's nice to meet you, Mrs. Bunterson. - Hunterson.

188. Hunterson.

189. So what seems to be the problem?

190. - Well, I seem to be pregnant. - Well, hey, that's good.

191. It's great. It's good for you. Congratulations.

192. Thanks, but I don't want this baby.

193. Okay. I can refer you to a doctor who performs—

194. No, no, no. I'm keeping it.

195. Not that I judge that.

196. I'm just telling you I'm not so happy about it

197. like everybody else might be, so maybe you could be sensitive

198. and not congratulate me and make a big deal every time you see me.

199. I'm having the baby, that's that.

200. It's not a party, though.

201. Not a party.

202. Yes?

203. Excuse me, Doctor.

204. Mrs. Flannigan wants to talk to you

205. about doulas before she leaves.

206. - Doulas? - Mm-hmm.

207. Yeah, I have no idea what that is.

208. No, come on. I'm only joking.

209. Of course I know what that is.

210. Mm-hmm.

211. And here are Mrs. Hunterson's blood test results.

212. Well...

213. un-congratulations. You're definitely having a baby.

214. Well, un-thank you.

215. Do you have any concerns?

216. You know, do's and don'ts?

217. Exercise or sex?

218. Don't really do much of either.

219. Okay. Here's your prescription for your pre-natal vitamins.

220. Nurse Norma is just gonna give you a list of the good and the bad foods.

221. That's just like caffeine and alcohol and et cetera.

222. It's very nice—

223. it's very nice meeting you, Jenna.

224. I'm gonna— I'm gonna see you again, you know,

225. in three weeks.

226. - I do have one question. - Yeah. Yeah, shoot.

227. How pregnant am I?

228. Very.

229. I mean, there's really only one degree of pregnancy, so to speak.

230. No, no.

231. I mean how far along?

232. You're eight weeks, Give or take.

233. Okay, so I don't start showing for a while, right?

234. - Right. - Good, then I have a little time.

235. Although it is quite beautiful, you know,

236. - when a woman's body begins to— - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

237. - Dr. Pomatter? - Yeah?

238. I'm gonna give you this pie.

239. Oh, that looks absolutely delicious.

240. I am off sugar

241. It actually causes leptin resistance,

242. chromium deficiency, decreased longevity.

243. My mama used to say you can live to be 100

244. if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be 100.

245. Well the longer you're away from sugar the less you crave it.

246. I haven't had a piece of pie in years.

247. Really?

248. Life's hard enough.

249. Listen, Cal,

250. we had ketchups out there yesterday half-empty

251. and we all know, the fuller the condiments,

252. the fuller the experience.

253. I am so sorry. I'll make sure it never happens again.

254. Thank you, Dawn. I'll sleep tonight.

255. - You're late. - I'm sorry.

256. The bus driver was half asleep.

257. Why doesn't your damn husband buy you a car already?

258. Because he doesn't want me going nowhere.

259. And you!

260. Late again!

261. You're inches away from being fired, lady.

262. Okay, then fire me.

263. Okay I will.

264. Okay, then do!

265. So how was the doc?

266. Ugh, fine. It was fine.

267. New doctor. A man.

268. A man? Wow. He single?

269. Maybe he'd be good for Dawn.

270. What? Oh... No, no, no.

271. I think he had a ring on.

272. Nice guy.

273. Nervous. From Connecticut.

274. Connecticut? What the hell is he doing here?

275. - I have no idea. - Girl, park it for a minute.

276. We bought you something.

277. - Not you. - Oh.

278. - A present. - That is so sweet.

279. You shouldn't have.

280. What a Mama You're Gonna Be.

281. I researched all the best baby books

282. and this one was so sweet.

283. Look here.

284. there's a place to write your first letter to your baby.

285. "Dear baby"

286. That's really great.

287. Now we know you didn't initially have a strong...

288. happiness about this pregnancy,

289. but she is coming anyway.

290. Oh, well, we don't know it's a she.

291. I mean, it could be an alien.

292. Now you're not getting any more affectionate toward this little baby?

293. - Not at all? - Not everyone wants to be a mama, Dawn.

294. That doesn't make me a bad person.

295. Can I interest the book club in some coffee

296. and a slice of Sit On Your Ass pie?

297. Oh, that's a good one, Cal.

298. And you know, I love what you've done with your hair.

299. Tell me, how'd you get it to come out your nostrils like that?

300. - Opening up! - Mm-hmm.

301. So did you tell Earl yet?

302. It didn't come up.

303. Hey, Dawn, did you finish writing your profile yet?

304. We're not done talking about you.

305. I think we are. Dawn?

306. Um, I'm still writing it.

307. You have been writing it for weeks.

308. Well, there's just not enough space to complete a compelling,

309. yet thorough, honest, description of myself.

310. Okay, well, why don't you run what you got by us?

311. Go ahead, honey. Let's hear it. Come on.

312. Ecstatically alive,

313. fervently organized,

314. dynamic and witty, I am a woman of many passions

315. including a rare turtle collection.

316. I love the History Channel.

317. - Oh, now that's nice. - Oh, note.

318. I have played Betsy Ross

319. in 33 Revolutionary War reenactments.

320. Okay, well that'll set you apart from the crowd.

321. Oh, well, I'm calling myself

322. NewDawnRising.

323. - Too much? - No, no, no.

324. - Post it tonight! - No, this is a mistake.

325. Dawn, this is your one and only life.

326. Dawn, don't you think you're being a little—

327. Do y'all plan to work today

328. or do you expect folks to serve themselves?

329. Works for me.

330. I don't think I invited anyone for breakfast.

331. Scoot! Vamoose! Skadoodle!

332. All right.

333. - Becky. - What?

334. Old Joe's in your section. Kinda owns the place.

335. Uh-uh, I can't deal with him today.

336. Oh, drop two menus at table three. I got him.

337. You're a trooper.

338. - Hiya, Joe. - It's warm in here.

339. - I'm warm. Turn the air on. - I'll tell Cal, hon.

340. They keep all my businesses too warm.

341. My gas station. My supermarket.

342. My laundromat. My diner.

343. I will not tolerate it being too damn warm.

344. I hear you, Joe.

345. Okay listen up. Today I want the special

346. Betrayed By My E—

347. Betrayed By My Eggs pie?

348. And a tomato on the side on its own plate.

349. - That everything? - No, I also want orange juice.

350. But don't bring that first. Bring the water first.

351. Bring the OJ with the meal.

352. Now listen to my horoscope before you skadoodle away.

353. "Aquarius. Smooth sailing today

354. as Mars enters your inner circle."

355. Whatever the hell that means.

356. Oh! "The ones you love

357. will listen carefully to you today,

358. so make sure you're careful with what you say."

359. I don't have ones I love. You want to hear yours?

360. I'm Aquarius too, hon.

361. And I don't have ones I love either.

362. Just ones I live with.

363. You got something in the oven other than a pie?

364. What?

365. You got a bun in the oven?

366. - Shh, quiet. - Yeah, I've seen that look on a woman before.

367. Her name was Annette.

368. I made sweet love to her all through the summer of 1948.

369. She got that same sick look on her face like you had

370. all through the fall.

371. Almost married her right up.

372. She lost the baby, though.

373. Close call. When you due?

374. Hey, Joe, I don't want Cal to hear you.

375. Ooh, look here, the National Pie Bake Off

376. is in Springfield this year.

377. Last year's winner, Eunice Kevesdy,

378. spent her prize money on an RV

379. with a convection oven.

380. You should enter.

381. Oh come on, Joe.

382. My pies are good, but I'm no Sara Lee.

383. Prize money's $20,000.

384. Jumping Without A Net Bottomless pie.

385. Ah!

386. Pillows of the softest meringue

387. topped with ribbons of strawberry cream.

388. No crust.

389. Getting Out Of The Mud mud pie.

390. Generous scoops of mocha almond ice cream...

391. - Uh, hello. - ... topped with bittersweet chocolate morsels...

392. - Mrs. Hunterson? - ... and slivered almonds.

393. - Mrs. Hunterson? - Dr. Pomatter.

394. - Hi. - Hi.

395. What are you doing here?

396. My car wouldn't start this morning.

397. I took the bus.

398. Forgot how much I love buses.

399. Do you always take the bus?

400. Tuesday nights my husband goes out drinking with the boys.

401. Oh, nice. For him.

402. That you let him.

403. Yeah.

404. I love Tuesdays.

405. Where do you live?

406. Stanton Grove.

407. Oh, gosh, it's nice over there.

408. Oh, yeah. Yeah, sure, if you like trees.

409. You know.

410. No, I mean, who doesn't like trees?

411. You mind if I sit down?

412. No, not at all.

413. - So, you're a waitress? - Yeah, I'm a waitress.

414. Ah. Where do you work?

415. A little place off of Highway 27.

416. Joe's Pie Diner.

417. We serve 27 different varieties of pie.

418. Wow. That sounds like a virtual pie factory.

419. No, I make all the pies fresh every morning.

420. Breakfast pies and lunch pies

421. and a special new pie I invent every day.

422. Wait, did you make that marshmallow pie that you gave me?

423. Yes, I did.

424. Mermaid Marshmallow.

425. I invented it with my mom when I was nine years old.

426. In my mermaid phase.

427. That was probably the best pie

428. that I have tasted in my entire life.

429. You tried it?

430. Well, I won't tell your doctor.

431. No. No, seriously.

432. It was biblically good. This is how good that was.

433. That pie could win contests

434. and ribbons and things.

435. What a thing to say.

436. I am so sorry. That was a compliment.

437. No, I know. That's why it made me uncomfortable.

438. Oh, God. No, you're blushing.

439. Nope, nope, shouldn't have said that.

440. No, you know, it's kinda funny.

441. It's just seeing you sitting here in your uniform.

442. Thank you.

443. Oh, my God. No, no, no. She was a waitress.

444. oh, nobody ever really notices me that way.

445. Somebody did, right?

446. No, because you've got the whole baby thing going on.

447. Oh, there's my bus.

448. it was nice talking with you, Dr. Pomatter.

449. Yeah, Jenna, give me a call anytime. I'm here.

450. For all your questions and concerns.

451. Good to know, Dr. Pomatter.

452. Earl, hey. It's Tuesday night.

453. What are you doing home so early?

454. Well thanks to my asshole foreman

455. it looks like you are gonna be seeing me home a lot.

456. This dude says I'm late

457. one too many times and...

458. fires me.

459. But I told him you can take this toolbox

460. and shove it up your ass

461. 'cause I don't even want this goddamn job.

462. Then— then he calls me arrogant!

463. Me? Arrogant?

464. No, see, now that loser has been waiting

465. to stick it to me since high school.

466. - Earl, I'm sorry. - Don't feel sorry for me.

467. Don't feel sorry for me.

468. I am fine!

469. I am celebrating.

470. Well...

471. looks like you the one that's gonna be

472. paying the bills around here now.

473. How'd we do today?

474. What, are you shitting me?

475. - That can't be all you earned. - It was a slow day.

476. Maybe you need to move a little faster.

477. Where's my kiss?

478. No, come here. Kiss me like you mean it.

479. Oh, Earl, I'm sorry. I'm not feeling so good today.

480. Well, you feel all right to me.

481. Come on, baby.

482. Take my bad day away.

483. Hey, hey, hey, hey.

484. Let me get you something to eat.

485. Oh, I've brought some leftovers from work.

486. Chicken pot pie.

487. You think I don't see what you're doing?

488. Do you think that I am stupid?

489. - No. - No?

490. No, Earl. I know you had a hard day.

491. I thought maybe some warm pie would make you—

492. - I'm not fuckin' hungry! - Earl, calm down.

493. Calm down? I'll show you calm.

494. Earl!

495. I'm pregnant!

496. What?

497. Well, when— when the hell were you gonna tell me?

498. Well, I—

499. I know you've were under a lot of pressure.

500. And I was waiting for the right time.

501. Well, you have great timing!

502. I'm sorry. Earl, I'm sorry.

503. No wonder you've been looking so tired all the time.

504. Huh.

505. Hey, come here.

506. Oh, my God.

507. Come here.

508. Come here. Come sit down here.

509. Careful.

510. Oh, you—

511. you little butterball!

512. Well, how do you like that?

513. I'm— I'm gonna have a baby?

514. Little Earl Junior.

515. The legend lives on!

516. Wait a minute.

517. What happens if you decide

518. to love the baby more than you love me?

519. Hey, listen, women do it now. They do it all the time.

520. They have a baby and then it's just to hell with the man.

521. You're jealous of the baby?

522. No. I don't get jealous. That is below me.

523. I'm just talking it out. I'm talking out my feelings.

524. Maybe I just need you

525. to make me a little promise

526. that you won't go loving that baby more than you love me.

527. - Okay. - Yeah, but you say I promise.

528. - Earl, I said okay. - Hey.

529. Hey.

530. I need this from you.

531. It's you and me first, right?

532. That's the way it's always been.

533. No, that is not how that song went.

534. That's not it either.

535. What was it, baby?

536. That's right.

537. Now promise me.

538. Come on, sing it, honey.

539. Honey, is it my imagination

540. or is my left boob drooping down even lower today?

541. Oh, Lord.

542. I'm starting to feel like something Picasso woulda made.

543. How'd you do?

544. Between Mr. Frugalman on table five

545. and "Hey, I'll Get You Next Time" on table seven,

546. not great.

547. Thinking about picking up some extra shifts.

548. Are you crazy? You work hard enough already.

549. Oh, what is this doing next to the cinnamon?

550. - Oh, I was looking for that. - Uh-huh.

551. You can't write your baby a letter from the spice rack.

552. - I'm not much of a letter writer. - Are you okay?

553. I'm having a small anxiety attack.

554. I got a message on my profile.

555. Girl, you've been sitting on this news all day?

556. He calls himself OKCWithABullet, 32.

557. Has all his hair, kind smile,

558. loves poetry, Pavarotti and puzzles.

559. - He sounds perfect! - Look at you.

560. They're already lining up. Take a number.

561. Yeah. Oh, dear, it's happening.

562. It's really happening.

563. I made a five-minute date with him tonight.

564. Five minutes?

565. Well, this way if it's a disaster

566. I can get back in time for History's Mysteries.

567. Okay, now, Dawn,

568. you are such a natural beauty,

569. but 'cause it's such a special occasion,

570. would you let me put just a tad of makeup on you

571. and perhaps...

572. pull that pony down...

573. just for one night?

574. Well, it is important

575. - to make a good first impression.

576. Jenna, may I ask you to make

577. your Meet Your Dream Chocolate Cream pie to take to him?

578. I will make you a really special one.

579. One like my mama used to.

580. You wouldn't think all the ingredients would go together, but they do.

581. What's going to be in it?

582. I'm going to switch the chocolate...

583. from bittersweet to creamy milk...

584. and add a touch of passion fruit.

585. Oh, my God!

586. And then I'll mix in

587. something that will make the impossible possible.

588. Some exotic spice

589. that will make you see clearly before it's too late.

590. What is going on with you, girl?

591. You know that pie contest that's coming to Springfield?

592. Mm-hmm.

593. I'm gonna do it.

594. I'm gonna find a way to save some money to go there and enter it.

595. Now that's the first thing you've said that's made any sense in a very long time.

596. And if a miracle happens and I win it,

597. I'm gonna take that prize money and I'm gonna...

598. You're gonna leave Earl.

599. Yeah.

600. And just run away from here.

601. Wow.

602. Honey, you can leave Earl

603. without running away from here.

604. It's not that easy.

605. Well, all right.

606. You go ahead.

607. Get yourself a little pie shop somewhere.

608. Somewhere people could really use a little pie shop.

609. Like Europe.

610. Or New Jersey.

611. Jenna's Pie Palace.

612. Jenna's Pastry Heaven.

613. Jenna's Pie In The Sky.

614. Come on, honey. We're not playing.

615. Oh, look what you did.

616. You made me almost pretty.

617. Almost pretty? You're beautiful.

618. What the hell did y'all put in that pie?

619. I gonna leave before I die of estrogen asphyxiation.

620. Don't forget to turn out the lights.

621. Who are you putting on lipstick for?

622. You dolling up for the diaper change?

623. Well...

624. maybe I got a little secret.

625. - Maybe I'm doing a little dreaming, too. - What?

626. - I can't tell you yet. - Why not?

627. Bye-bye, Dawn.

628. Now don't do anything I haven't done.

629. Get yourself a five-minute condom.

630. Becky!

631. Adios, ladies.

632. You are the queen of kindness and goodness.

633. Hiya, handsome. What'll it be?

634. Oh, you're so lovely, but no, I don't want you as my waitress.

635. No. I want her. I want that lady right there.

636. I'm so sorry, hon, but you're sitting in my station.

637. But I don't want you. I want her.

638. Well, I do like a man who knows what he wants.

639. Is she a good friend of yours? What can you tell me about her?

640. What are her likes and her dislikes?

641. And does she have any food allergies or pollen sensitivities?

642. Excuse me, darling.

643. I'm gonna go talk to Dawn for a minute,

644. see if she won't tell you herself.

645. That would be wonderful.

646. - I thought you'd like that. - I do. I do.

647. Dawn!

648. There is a man at table five

649. on a mission with your name on it.

650. His name is Ogie.

651. Short for Oklahoma.

652. He's OKCwithaBullet!

653. Ahh!

654. He's an amateur magician,

655. does competitive clog dancing

656. and only eats white food on Wednesdays.

657. - He told me we were soulmates. - Girl!

658. I made the mistake of telling him I work here.

659. Oh, I don't know, Dawn. I think it sounds like he's got potential.

660. He took me through the entire medical

661. and psychiatric history of his whole family.

662. Oh, he's laying it all on the table.

663. I just wanted a quiet first date.

664. Stimulating conversation.

665. First man who ever shows any interest in me

666. and he turns out to be a mad, clogging elf.

667. I'm telling you, Jenna, that magic love pie was too good.

668. I should never have brought it with me.

669. I don't think it was the pie, Dawn.

670. I think it was you.

671. - Come with me. - I would, but I gotta go pee.

672. Is anyone gonna take the elf's order?

673. Would you shut up, Cal?

674. That happens to be OKCwithaBullet!

675. Cue DawnRising.

676. No.

677. - Okay, just open this up a little bit. - Becky, no!

678. Hello, good morning. Hello. I told you I didn't want

679. to see you again. May I take your order?

680. I'll have an egg white omelet

681. with cottage cheese and a side of mayonnaise.

682. I have very exquisite taste.

683. What kind of toast with that? White or wheat?

684. Why am I even asking? It's Wednesday!

685. You see? We already know each other so intimately.

686. You don't know me.

687. I do.

688. You're NewDawnRising.

689. Easily misunderstood,

690. but I see your true beauty.

691. Normally I wouldn't do this.

692. Actually, I've never done this.

693. But that five minutes,

694. it felt like a whole 15

695. and I am certain we're meant to be together.

696. I don't even know you.

697. I'm a tax auditor.

698. I drive a very nice

699. subcompact Toyota Yaris.

700. And I love my mother.

701. What else do you need to know about me?

702. Your dessert order.

703. I'll have a slice

704. of the White Knuckle Cream Pie.

705. With or without whipped cream?

706. You choose. I trust you implicitly.

707. But if you do choose to have whipped cream,

708. I would love it on the side, not touching the pie.

709. I hate it when it touches the pie.

710. No, it soggies the crust.

711. Yeah, and you can't control the whipped cream...

712. to pie ratio to create the perfect bite.

713. Oh, there's that laugh.

714. That intoxicating laugh.

715. Dawn, you inspire poetry in me.

716. I'm making one up.

717. I'm making one up here right here on the spot and here it comes.

718. All of my life I've loved turtles.

719. And you, Dawn, are the queen.

720. Da, da, da, da, da.

721. Da, da, da, da, da.

722. And something in between.

723. I'm gonna work on the middle section.

724. I am. You like that one, don't you, Dawn?

725. Please just take your mixed bouquet and leave.

726. - Just leave! - Dawn.

727. - Ready for your check? - Not quite!

728. Pie for—

729. pie for everybody!

730. When you say never...

731. I love you means blah, blah, yip, yap. Get back to work!

732. So I'll pick you up Sunday at seven?

733. Maybe?

734. Maybe!

735. There's a reading at Rainard Park

736. of the Federalist Papers.

737. How'd you know about that?

738. I played Paul Revere in 42 Revolutionary War reenactments.

739. 40 times technically I was the standby Revere,

740. but two times the Paul was out, I went on.

741. And I played it.

742. I did, I played it.

743. I got injured once, through. I had a bayonet issue.

744. And it was real, real bad

745. and I fell off my horse and my spleen was removed.

746. So it's—

747. One if by land, two if by sea.

748. And I, on the opposite shore, will be.

749. The elf and the turtle.

750. An epic romance.

751. It Almost Makes You Believe Again pie.

752. Reach for an ingredient long forgotten

753. in the back of your cupboard.

754. Like poppy seeds.

755. Something you bought but forgot you had.

756. Throw in gingersnaps...

757. and tapioca

758. till they combine unexpectedly.

759. And mix it with all your questions and concerns.

760. Hi. Is Dr. Pomatter there?

761. Jenna Hunterson. I'm his patient.

762. Hey.

763. Hi, Dr. Pomatter. Listen, I'm sure it's nothing,

764. but you said to call with any questions or concerns.

765. This morning, um, I'm bleeding a little bit.

766. No. No. It's very very light.

767. Come in to see you?

768. Tomorrow morning? You're open at 7:00 AM?

769. Excuse me, but I've got a short stack of perfectly round

770. meticulously made, once warm,

771. buttermilk blueberry pancakes to take to table six

772. because even though I'm pregnant

773. I'm working, Dr. Pomfritter!

774. Hey, listen, Doc, while I've got you on the line, between you and me,

775. I have a bit of a gas issue.

776. Yeah, I tried that. Made it worse.

777. It cleared the room.

778. Yes. Yes.

779. - Hello? Hi. - Hi. Hi.

780. - Where is everybody? - No one's here yet.

781. I came in a little early to see you.

782. Oh. OKay.

783. Oh, here. I brought you

784. some Believe Again Poppy Seed Pocket pies.

785. Oh, my God. Thank you.

786. Um, so, you know, we spoke on the phone

787. and you said that the bleeding was very mild?

788. - Yes. - Has that stopped?

789. Yeah. I only saw it the one time.

790. Oh, good. You're fine.

791. Oh, my God!

792. Well, aren't you going to examine me?

793. No. No.

794. No need.

795. This is unbelievably delicious.

796. I mean, delicious is not even a good enough word

797. for what it is.

798. What you do with food, it is unearthly.

799. - Thank you. - Yeah.

800. Then am I okay? I mean, there's nothing's wrong with me?

801. Oh, God, no, no, no. Nothing's wrong with you.

802. Look, light spotting is a perfectly

803. normal symptom in early pregnancy.

804. Holy shit.

805. Is that everything you have to say?

806. - No. - Well, what?

807. Nothing.

808. You can— you can go.

809. I'm just gonna— I'm gonna go ahead and I'm gonna see you

810. at your next regularly scheduled appointment.

811. Don't hesitate to call if you have any—

812. - Questions or concerns. - Any and all.

813. Wait, wait, wait. Why did you have me come all the way here

814. if spotting is a perfectly normal symptom in early pregnancy?

815. I had to get up early and take a bus and walk five blocks

816. just to hear that spotting is a perfectly normal symptom?

817. I have no response to that.

818. What time does this office normally open, Doctor?

819. - 8:30? - 9:00.

820. 9:00? You came in here two hours early

821. to tell me that spotting is a perfectly normal symptom in early pregnancy?

822. It seems that way, yes.

823. - Goodbye, Dr. Pomatter. - Bye, Jenna.

824. You know what?

825. I think you're strange.

826. And I'm not sure I want you to be my doctor anymore.

827. - You make me uncomfortable. - No, Jenna, no. I'm sorry.

828. I'm so sorry. I will not do it anymore.

829. Look, whatever it is that I do,

830. you should not be uncomfortable during this time.

831. - You're doing it again! - Wait, what did I do?

832. I don't know, you know, it's the nice guy

833. talky thing you do.

834. You just— forget it.

835. Jen—

836. Uh, Jenna, you forgot your—

837. - Oh, shit! - Whoa, whoa, whoa!

838. - What do you want? - I want to see you again.

839. I want to talk to you somewhere outside of here.

840. Can we have coffee together or something?

841. I can't have coffee.

842. It's on the bad food list you gave me.

843. What kind of doctor are you?

844. Yeah, no, I totally agree.

845. I Wanna Play Doctor With My Gynecologist pie.

846. Vanilla custard.

847. Drizzled with warm melted caramel.

848. And nuts.

849. Totally nuts.

850. Topped with honey-kissed whipped cream and banana.

851. Hold the banana.

852. Wake the hell up!

853. I Can't Have An Affair Because It's Wrong

854. and I Don't Want Earl to Kill Me pie.

855. Add cold water to chocolate stirrups.

856. I mean syrup.

857. Pour into a truly flakey crust.

858. Don't over bake, could explode at any minute.

859. Oh, my God! I didn't see anything.

860. I just need to find a place to throw up.

861. Look, Jenna, it just happened.

862. Cal? Cal?

863. Well, he's got such nice strong hands.

864. All right, I wasn't looking for it, it was an accident.

865. An affair is not an accident.

866. Dropping a tray is an accident.

867. Cal didn't just trip into your va-jay-jay.

868. What?

869. Look, I'm just having me a little adventure

870. after years and years of lots of nothing.

871. It was getting so quiet down there you could hear an echo.

872. What about your husband?

873. My husband wears Pampers, curses constantly,

874. and sleeps in a separate room.

875. Well, why don't you just leave him, Becky?

876. Because I love him. I wouldn't leave him

877. just 'cause I have to change his diaper three times a day.

878. What kind of person would do that?

879. Well, what kind of person has an affair with Cal

880. who's married to Ethel?

881. Well, Cal thinks she's gay.

882. Look, they ain't slept together in 15 years.

883. Most married couples haven't slept together in 15 years.

884. But we know Ethel and she's not...

885. - She could be. - Mm-hmm.

886. But if he thinks she's gay, why don't they just divorce?

887. Because he loves her. What kind of man

888. would leave his wife just 'cause she's gay?

889. - She— - Hey, hey, hey, hey.

890. Now you're supposed to be my friend, not Ethel's.

891. And I didn't say nothing about your early morning visit to the doc

892. when you came back with your dress on inside out

893. 'cause you were too busy putting the pap back in smear.

894. Okay, that was one time

895. and I was not in my right mind.

896. - I put the lid on it. - Of course you did.

897. What's that supposed to mean.

898. Just go back to your pantry, Jenna.

899. Bake yourself another Bury The Bullshit pie.

900. Well, you got me all figured out, don't you?

901. You got everything all figured out.

902. It's the world according to Becky.

903. Becky, I can't go there.

904. Honey, we're already there.

905. - Hello, Mrs. Hunterson. - Hello, Doctor Pomatter.

906. - How have you been feeling? - Fine.

907. Oh, how nice, you brought a pie.

908. What kind is it?

909. A Little Wild, Wild Berry pie.

910. - Oh, well, thank you. - No, thank you. Thank you, Nurse Norma.

911. I'm gonna take Mrs. Hunterson's blood.

912. I need you to go and reweigh Mrs. Morrissey.

913. - But I already did that. - Can you please? Please!

914. It's important. It's like it's crucial.

915. She's coming, Mrs. Morrisey! Don't worry!

916. I don't know what the hell this man talking about.

917. Ain't nothing but a country club doctor.

918. - Don't do that again. - What? Bring a pie?

919. No, not that. Of course not that.

920. I meant go away for a full month and not call me.

921. Well, I didn't have any questions or concerns.

922. Well, don't do that.

923. This is craziness, Dr. Pomatter.

924. Can you please call me Jim?

925. No!

926. I won't.

927. Okay. Don't.

928. You know?

929. Dr. Pomatter is fine.

930. I guess we're just officially forgetting

931. everything that happened between us then.

932. Yes. We officially are.

933. Jenna, I got to apologize for it.

934. No, no, no, no. I almost called you just to apologize.

935. I just want you to know that it's never gonna happen again.

936. All right? From now on our relationship,

937. it's a strictly medical, professional one.

938. Jenna, no!

939. Not with the door open.

940. Oh!

941. Mrs. Morrissey still weigh 142 pounds.

942. Thank you, Nurse Norma. Mrs. Hunterson, are you still taking

943. your pre-natal vitamins every day?

944. - Oh, faithfully. - Faithfully, my ass.

945. Well, good. I'd like you to come back again tomorrow.

946. - Tomorrow? - Yes. Are we on the same page now?

947. - We're on the same page. - We're all on the same page.

948. I'm very pleased with your progress, Mrs. Hunterson.

949. Thank you, Doctor.

950. Pineapple Upside Down pie.

951. Your hormone levels are rising beautifully, Mrs. Hunterson.

952. In the Dark Dark Chocolate pie.

953. The British are coming!

954. Heya, Joe. How are you today?

955. Same bastard as yesterday, Jenna.

956. The question is how are you?

957. Same train wreck.

958. And how's the charming husband?

959. - Charming as ever. - Right.

960. And the lipstick smudger?

961. - What? - Oh, you know,

962. the dog on the side? The affair.

963. Okay, I'm—

964. I'm not having an "affair" affair.

965. - It's just a— - An affair.

966. Your lipstick's all smudged

967. like someone gave you a good one.

968. When you're done wiping away your indiscretions,

969. - you wanna hear your horoscope? - No.

970. "Aquarius. Even if you have a miserable snake husband,

971. you probably shouldn't be having no affair,

972. 'cause it's beneath you

973. and could make you seem like a common...

974. hussy.

975. Not to mention the pain you could cause

976. to other people."

977. This afternoon I will have the Singing Tuney Fish Casserole,

978. no pickle on the plate.

979. Well-done Frenchie fries. On their own plate.

980. And Jenna's Devil's Food Oasis pie.

981. That's the one you should bake for that contest

982. so you can win that money

983. and leave your husband fair and square

984. and smudge your lipstick with whomever the hell you want.

985. Joe you really think that pie is good enough to win?

986. Oh, that pie is a thing of beauty.

987. How each flavor opens itself, one by one,

988. like a chapter in a book.

989. First you get flooded with chocolate,

990. dark and bittersweet like an old flame.

991. And then strawberry,

992. the way strawberry was always supposed to taste

993. but never knew how.

994. In fact, you know what? Forget all the other stuff I ordered.

995. Just bring me the damn pie. What are you waiting for?

996. I don't believe for one second

997. that you're as mean as you play.

998. You tip me better than anyone.

999. If you're noticing I'm having a hard time walking today,

1000. Keep it between us.

1001. This is really heating up.

1002. He is so passionate.

1003. You wouldn't know it to look at him,

1004. but he is a sexual dynamo.

1005. No, you wouldn't know it.

1006. Well, he's amorous yet clean and well organized.

1007. And when he recites his spontaneous poetry,

1008. well...

1009. I'm multi-orgasmic.

1010. I had no idea!

1011. No, I didn't either and believe me

1012. it's something I did not need to know.

1013. Order up.

1014. Perhaps you could take some pointers, Cal.

1015. Perhaps you could take this slice

1016. of Twisted Kentucky Pecan pie to table five.

1017. I didn't realize it was hot and ready.

1018. Girl, it's been hot all morning.

1019. Hey, buddy.

1020. I'm waiting on Dawn.

1021. She's meeting my mother tonight.

1022. I'm taking them to Stanton Grove for the steak dinner.

1023. It's getting serious. Real, real serious.

1024. Come on man, you got this.

1025. - Ooh. - Hey.

1026. Breathe.

1027. Dawn Pinkett!

1028. Ogie?

1029. Every day I think of you,

1030. I think yes.

1031. Oh, he's making me a poem right here.

1032. We hold these truths to be self-evident.

1033. Yes. I am more than he who audits.

1034. I am poetry and sex

1035. and I'm living a dream. Love.

1036. Yes. Uh...

1037. uh-huh. Yes.

1038. Oh, my God.

1039. Will you bus my tables so I can...

1040. Yes!

1041. Oh, thank you. You know, Jenna, I must admit

1042. I don't really feel I understood the Declaration of Independence until now.

1043. Life, liberty...

1044. And the Pursuit of Happiness pie.

1045. Meld warm Golden Delicious apples

1046. with free flowing brown sugar.

1047. Mix with cinnamon and allspice.

1048. Fold in cocoa chiffon...

1049. until they merge together perfectly.

1050. Top with peaks of everlasting Chantilly cream.

1051. - Missus... - Hunterson?

1052. And dust gently with powdered sugar.

1053. Mrs. Hunterson?

1054. And garnish with rose petals.

1055. Mrs. Hunterson!

1056. Doctor Pomatter and his wife

1057. had to fly back east for a funeral this morning.

1058. Oh, he flew back east with his wife?

1059. Yes.

1060. So guess who's gonna examine your cha-cha today?

1061. Me.

1062. I'm just kidding.

1063. You look like shit, girl.

1064. You feeling okay?

1065. Yeah. I'm fine. I'm just— you know, the baby.

1066. Of course.

1067. How's it working out with Doctor Pomatter?

1068. Oh, he's very professional.

1069. Isn't he?

1070. Such a lovely bedside manner.

1071. Is that pie for me?

1072. - I guess. - Looks so yummy.

1073. What kind is it?

1074. The Pursuit of Happiness pie.

1075. We could all use a slice of that.

1076. Ah.

1077. Heartbeat strong and steady.

1078. Here, take a listen.

1079. Dear baby...

1080. Let me begin by saying I'm sorry.

1081. Don't take it personally, baby,

1082. if I don't seem like all the other mamas

1083. jumping all over themselves with joy.

1084. I wish I could feel excitement that you're with me now.

1085. Or faith that I'd be a good mama.

1086. Even if my life is a mess.

1087. And the world, as I see it,

1088. isn't so pretty like they'd have you believe in that baby book.

1089. I frankly don't know what I've got to give you, baby.

1090. What if I don't win that contest

1091. and don't have no money

1092. and I can't leave Earl?

1093. What the hell am I gonna do with you then?

1094. Some days I think I should just give you

1095. to a nice family who could give you what I can't.

1096. I wish I could just run away.

1097. What kind of mama is that?

1098. Jenna.

1099. What are you doing here? You can't just come here.

1100. I had to see you. It's been weeks.

1101. I can't take this not knowing how you are.

1102. - Dr. Pomatter, we have to end this. - Why?

1103. Because I've been thinking a lot

1104. while you were away with your wife

1105. and I can't live with myself.

1106. But, Jenna, I'm not gonna have a conversation about how crazy this is,

1107. about how bad my judgment is,

1108. about how sorry I am. I'd be lying.

1109. Don't say anything else.

1110. Don't talk me out of it. Just go.

1111. I don't know how to do this.

1112. I haven't felt anything like this.

1113. I haven't felt in a very long time.

1114. Neither have I.

1115. So what now?

1116. Maybe you can teach me how to make a pie.

1117. - Seriously? - Yeah, seriously.

1118. Okay. Sure, I could do that.

1119. Okay, I brought you something.

1120. It's a—

1121. it's a present.

1122. - For me? - Yeah. For you.

1123. Open it.

1124. Oh, my God.

1125. I had your name engraved on the back.

1126. Oh, wow.

1127. It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

1128. It's deep dish.

1129. Non-stick.

1130. Thank you.

1131. I have some gorgeous blackberries.

1132. - I love blackberries. I love them. - Okay.

1133. Okay, we're gonna make one

1134. my mama used to call

1135. Lonely Chicago pie.

1136. Mm-hmm.

1137. She had hundreds of different kinds

1138. and they all had real strange names.

1139. Like mama, like daughter.

1140. Yeah.

1141. She had...

1142. such dreams for me.

1143. She'd be so sad to see how my life turned out.

1144. Maybe I'm talking too much.

1145. No.

1146. Mama used to keep me in the kitchen when

1147. Daddy was in one of his moods.

1148. And she'd teach me everything about baking.

1149. We'd sing this little song together.

1150. What the hell are you doing here?

1151. I'm learning how to make Lonely Chicago pie.

1152. No, I mean here.

1153. Living in this town.

1154. My wife is—

1155. she's doing her residency. We came here because of her.

1156. Are you happy with her? No, don't—

1157. don't answer that.

1158. I—

1159. I'm not used to happy. I tend to be neurotic.

1160. You calm me down.

1161. You make me feel...

1162. peaceful and even needed.

1163. You are so beautiful.

1164. I don't know who you're talking about.

1165. Dear, baby.

1166. I hope someday somebody wants to hold you

1167. for 20 minutes straight.

1168. They don't pull away,

1169. they don't look at your face,

1170. they don't try to kiss you.

1171. All they do is wrap you up in their arms

1172. and hold on tight without an ounce of selfishness to it.

1173. I hope you become addicted, baby.

1174. I hope you become addicted to saying things

1175. and having them matter to someone.

1176. Dearly Beloved, we are gathered here today

1177. to celebrate the union of Ogie Herbert Eincorn

1178. and Dawn Louise Pinkett,

1179. to join them together—

1180. To join them—

1181. Wedding poetry happening right here, right now.

1182. Whoo!

1183. Hey!

1184. Hey!

1185. Whoo!

1186. Whoo!

1187. The wedding pie, y'all!

1188. Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

1189. What do you call it, Jenna?

1190. Big old slice of Live Your Life pie.

1191. Boy, Jenna, you've really outdone yourself this time.

1192. Now I'm gonna be betting on you to win that contest next week.

1193. Thanks for letting me go, Cal.

1194. Yeah. I'm not such a bad guy, maybe.

1195. Yeah, you're not such a bad guy, maybe.

1196. Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum!

1197. No, no, no, no, no!

1198. Look at them.

1199. Happiest day of their lives.

1200. They have no idea the ride they're in for.

1201. Hey, Cal, can I ask you a question?

1202. Shoot.

1203. Are you happy?

1204. I mean, would you call yourself a happy man?

1205. You asking a serious question, I'll tell you.

1206. I'm happy enough.

1207. I don't give much, I don't get much,

1208. but I do try to enjoy whatever comes up.

1209. That's my truth,

1210. summed up for your feminine judgment.

1211. I'm happy enough.

1212. May I have this dance?

1213. Here, I had some big spenders yesterday.

1214. Stash this in the pot towards your entry fee.

1215. No, Becky, I can't take your money.

1216. Not with what you're dealing with at home.

1217. Uh-uh. Come on, just this once.

1218. Let me feel a little philanthropopical now.

1219. I don't want you to worry about nothing

1220. but baking yourself a better life.

1221. All right now?

1222. When you win that contest,

1223. you think you're gonna get one of them big

1224. giant checks that are the size of a door?

1225. Always wondered how you cash one of those.

1226. Maybe we should have an affair.

1227. Uh-uh. No ma'am.

1228. This ain't no affair.

1229. I'm in this for life, okay?

1230. Okay, scoot. Vamoose. Skadoodle.

1231. This reminds me

1232. of my third wedding

1233. to Sara Cherie Caputo.

1234. Now she was a screamer.

1235. - Joe! - I was just trying to point out her good qualities.

1236. Oh, man, she was nasty.

1237. I'm gonna invent a special pie for you

1238. called Old Joe's Horny Past pie.

1239. You should enter that one in that contest.

1240. Wake those old biddies up.

1241. Maybe I'll just bake it for you.

1242. That'd have to wait.

1243. My doctor says I shouldn't be eating

1244. all this sweet stuff.

1245. My liver's acting up.

1246. I got to have a piece of it removed.

1247. - Oh, Joe. - Yeah.

1248. Last time I was in the hospital

1249. the nurse strapped me to a bed,

1250. pulled down my pants and shot me in the ass.

1251. Not too shabby.

1252. Not too shabby.

1253. So you better promise me

1254. that you will bake to win.

1255. Whoa, whoa, pie-lady. You're shaking.

1256. I don't know what I'm more scared of,

1257. losing or winning.

1258. I don't know, Joe. Maybe I should just make peace

1259. with happy enough like my mama did.

1260. Maybe it's too late for me.

1261. Excuse me, I'm just— I'm gonna borrow my wife.

1262. Say your goodbyes, we're going home.

1263. - Who invited you? - Have another piece of pie, old man!

1264. - Come on! - Please don't. You'll make it worse.

1265. Let's go.

1266. Jenna! Please stay.

1267. I am so sorry. Bye sweetheart.

1268. - Don't leave! - I love you.

1269. Congratulations.

1270. You must think I'm really stupid.

1271. - No. - No?

1272. Unzip that cushion.

1273. - I don't want— - Do it!

1274. What is that, Jenna? Hmm?

1275. What is that?

1276. It's money.

1277. That's money?

1278. Hidden all over the house?

1279. In the drawers,

1280. in the cabinets, in the fucking sofa!

1281. - It's money hidden all over my house. - I'm sorry.

1282. After everything that I have done for you,

1283. you go and hide money from me?

1284. I was the only one that was there for you

1285. after your mama died

1286. and your daddy was piss drunk every night.

1287. You forget about that?

1288. Do I need this?

1289. Do I need this right now?

1290. Earl, oh, my God, stop! You love that guitar!

1291. You...

1292. are the only thing that I've ever loved.

1293. You are the only person that has ever belonged to me.

1294. You're my wife.

1295. You are my whole life.

1296. And you having a secret from me...

1297. it just tears me apart.

1298. Why are you hiding money

1299. all over the house?

1300. - I want to go— - No, no, just tell me you were gonna surprise me.

1301. - No, Earl. - Tell me you were gonna buy me a present.

1302. Because if I ever thought that you weren't happy being my wife,

1303. that you were deceiving me,

1304. I would want to kill myself.

1305. I would want to die.

1306. Baby, please hold me.

1307. The truth is, Earl—

1308. the truth is...

1309. I was saving that money...

1310. for the baby.

1311. To buy some nice things.

1312. A crib and toys.

1313. It was all for the baby.

1314. It was for the baby?

1315. Yes, Earl. For a crib.

1316. I don't know why you have to make it

1317. so hard, Jenna.

1318. I just want us to be happy.

1319. Dear baby,

1320. if you ever want to know the story of how we bought your crib, I'll tell you.

1321. Your crib was bought with the money

1322. I was gonna use to buy us a new life.

1323. The Springfield Pie Contest is starting next week...

1324. and you and I will not be in attendance.

1325. Jenna, everything's gonna to be okay.

1326. Just make it all go away.

1327. Look, just try and focus on your breathing.

1328. I'm gonna be right here.

1329. Wheel me in.

1330. Excuse me, sir. Do you belong here?

1331. Yes, I'm kin.

1332. He sure is!

1333. Joe, are you having your surgery today?

1334. Yeah, later this afternoon.

1335. Becky told me you were here.

1336. I bought you a card...

1337. from gift shop downstairs.

1338. It's silly and flowery

1339. and almost gave me diabetes.

1340. Thank you, Joe.

1341. NO, don't look at it now.

1342. Look at it later when all the fuss is over.

1343. Hey, halftime in the lounge.

1344. Colts up 10. What's the ETA in here?

1345. Oh, Earl.

1346. Father to be.

1347. Yeah, how could I forget you?

1348. Don't say nothing smart...

1349. you dumb ass.

1350. Wheel me out.

1351. Dr. Pomatter, this is my husband, Earl.

1352. Oh, Lordy.

1353. Hey, you mind stepping out of the way a sec, Doc,

1354. so I can get a shot of me and my wife on the big day?

1355. Much appreciated. Come on, baby, give me a kiss now.

1356. - Ow! - Oh, my God, that's so dramatic.

1357. Hey, come on now, babe.

1358. - You're spitting on the lens. - Doctor Pomatter.

1359. - Yes, Jenna? - I want to make sure we're clear about one thing.

1360. - What's that, Jenna? - I want drugs.

1361. I want massive amounts of drugs.

1362. I want the maximum legal limit of drugs.

1363. - Noted and understood. - Oh, my gosh!

1364. Oh, try and steady your breathing, hon.

1365. Hi, I'm Francine Pomatter.

1366. Jim has told me so much about you.

1367. Did I tell you my wife is a resident here?

1368. Oh, I think you might have mentioned that.

1369. Don't worry, you are in great hands with my husband.

1370. Is she gonna be here the whole delivery?

1371. I mean, are all the residents gonna be here?

1372. No, no, no, no. They're just here to observe the first stage of labor.

1373. Everybody out.

1374. Jenna! We're here.

1375. Everything's gonna be okay.

1376. Oh, my Lord. The pie is coming out of the oven!

1377. Order up!

1378. I don't want no baby, Earl!

1379. - It's a girl. - A girl?

1380. Would you like to hold your baby, Mrs. Hunterson?

1381. Mrs. Hunterson? Did you hear me?

1382. Are you okay? Mrs. Hunterson?

1383. Just give her to me.

1384. Oh, my God.

1385. Hey.

1386. Oh, my God.

1387. Now you remember what I said.

1388. Don't you go loving that baby

1389. more than you love me.

1390. I don't love you anymore, Earl.

1391. I haven't in a very long time.

1392. I want a divorce.

1393. Now, that's not very funny, Jenna.

1394. No one's laughing.

1395. I want you the hell out of my life.

1396. You ain't never gonna leave me.

1397. - Watch me. - You ain't gonna do nothing!

1398. Now you better know your place! Get your hands off me!

1399. Don't touch me! Man, you're gonna regret this when you get home.

1400. And you're gonna regret ever saying that

1401. 'cause if you ever come within six yard of us,

1402. I will flatten your sorry ass and I will enjoy doing it.

1403. Now get out before I call someone to carry you out.

1404. You done did it, girl.

1405. Baby girl,

1406. come meet your Godmamas.

1407. - What? - Me?

1408. Oh, Jenna!

1409. Oh, I'm gonna call her Lulu.

1410. Yeah, little Lulu

1411. the love of my life.

1412. And we're gonna be happy, little girl.

1413. Not just happy enough.

1414. We're gonna be really happy.

1415. Hello.

1416. Hi, is everyone decent?

1417. - Ogie, come here. Come here. - Okay.

1418. Jenna, Ogie and I want you to know

1419. that you can stay with us for a while until you get back on your feet.

1420. You could stay with us,

1421. but I think Phil's convulsions might frighten the baby.

1422. Look, Ogie. Isn't she beautiful?

1423. There are no words...

1424. but I'm double-parked so I got to run.

1425. I got to go. I love you. I love you.

1426. Love you, new baby. Got to go. I love you. I love you.

1427. I love you. I love you.

1428. Dawn, don't we have some business

1429. in the hallway?

1430. - No. - Dawn.

1431. Bye.

1432. - Oh! - Dawn!

1433. How are you two doing?

1434. You ever seen a baby this beautiful before?

1435. Out of the 762 that I have delivered,

1436. between us, she is definitely the most beautiful.

1437. Nurse Norma, can you get Mrs. Hunterson

1438. her complimentary burp cloths?

1439. Maybe in Connecticut this shit flies,

1440. but Lord have mercy.

1441. I, uh...

1442. I know what you're thinking.

1443. Yeah. No I don't. That's a lie.

1444. I—

1445. what are you thinking?

1446. I'm thinking...

1447. I could never thank you enough

1448. for everything you've done for me.

1449. And I'm thinking your wife's around.

1450. And you shouldn't kiss me.

1451. The way she looks at you.

1452. So much trust.

1453. We could have a big drama that gets drawn out here

1454. for a couple years and makes everyone miserable,

1455. or we could end it right here.

1456. No body count.

1457. So this is goodbye.

1458. I will never forget you.

1459. Another lifetime.

1460. Oh.

1461. You deserve homemade,

1462. but try telling that to a vending machine.

1463. Here.

1464. Thanks For Taking Me To The Moon Moonpie.

1465. Shh, shh.

1466. Oh.

1467. "To my only friend.

1468. Start fresh.

1469. I'm leaving you—

1470. I'm leaving you the pie shop.

1471. Name a pie for me when I'm gone."

1472. Okay, little Lulu.

1473. we got 16 Lulu Lemonade Pies,

1474. eight Polka Dot Peach and four Cocoa Cream.

1475. - How many is that? - A lot!

1476. A lot! Thank you, Miss Lulu.

1477. Wait, it's magic time. Magic time.

1478. All right, I've been practicing. Watch closely.

1479. Are you ready? A one,

1480. a two, a three.

1481. I don't got it. Hey.

1482. - Wow, Mama. - Hi, baby girl.

1483. Jenna, what's the special pie today?

1484. Old Joe's Slice of Heaven pie,

1485. with tomato on the side.

1486. On its own plate!