Waiting... (2005)

1. Ha, ha, ha. Home sweet home.

2. Thanks, Cochise.

3. No, you fucking idiot! I've worked at a restaurant my whole life.

4. Shit! It gonna be that kind of a party,

5. I'm gonna stick my dick in the mashed potatoes!

6. - Guess who. Hi, Dean. It's Mom. - Ah, shit.

7. I know you're not gonna forget lunch with me,

8. but I thought I'd call just to make sure.

9. Oh, hey.

10. I forgot you were here.

11. Yeah, I know. I know.

12. - What? - Nothing.

13. I'll see you at work, okay?

14. Hey, there, Natasha. How's my favorite minor doing today?

15. Hung over. I got so shitty last night.

16. On a school night? Kids today.

17. I must say, there's nothing more attractive than tainted youth.

18. Yes. I am indeed a pervert.

19. - Does that offend you? - Nope.

20. I think that most tainted youths end up being perverts.

21. Good answer.

22. Oh, and Monty, just so you know,

23. I'm only a minor for another week.

24. I turn 18 on Wednesday.

25. Well, then I guess I better hurry up then. I don't have much time.

26. - Hey, Dan. - Hey, Monty.

27. - How you doing? - Good. This is Mitch. It's his first day.

28. I want you to show him around. Train him on everything while it's slow,

29. and when the dinner rush hits, we'll have him watch the training videos.

30. Mitch, just listen to what Monty says today,

31. and we'll have you out on the floor by early next week.

32. - Sound good? - Yeah.

33. All right then. Give him a quick tour before your shift starts.

34. Good stuff.

35. Well, Mitch, first thing. You ever worked in a restaurant before?

36. - Actually, yeah- - Well, it doesn't really matter anyway.

37. Working in a restaurant's all about Iearning a routine.

38. Everything that Dan wants me to show you, teach you,

39. all that can be learned in a few hours.

40. But...

41. if you wanna work here,

42. in this restaurant,

43. I really think that you need to ask yourself

44. one simple question.

45. How do you feel about frontal male nudity?

46. - What the heck- - Pretty fucked up, huh?

47. You see, the reason that I ask is most of the guys that work here

48. like to play this Iittle game that involves flashing their genitalia to each other.

49. - Are you serious? - Yes, I'm serious.

50. Now, the exact object of the game

51. is to get the other participants to unknowingly look at your testicles and/or penis.

52. And if they do, you ridicule them mercilessly for being a fag

53. and get to kick them in the ass.

54. - But that's- - I know. I know.

55. It's demented, depraved, senseless.

56. All true.

57. Now there are rules to the game- different variations on how to show your dick

58. and/or balls which allow for more kicks.

59. But we're gonna get into that Iater.

60. Right now, the first thing that you have to do

61. is look deep inside yourself and figure out if you can take an eyeful of that.

62. So are you taking any interesting classes this semester?

63. Well, yeah. I'm only taking the two classes,

64. but I like 'em both.

65. I really like my teachers. Cool guys.

66. Both have mustaches, which is a Iittle weird.

67. - Well, that's just terrific. - Yeah.

68. - Guess who I ran into yesterday? - Who's that?

69. Nancy Miller and her son Chet. You remember Chet Miller, don't you?

70. Oh, yeah. I remember Chet. Yeah.

71. - I haven't seen that guy since high school. - Well, he was away at college.

72. Right.

73. Didn't you two have all the same honors classes together?

74. Yeah, we sure did.

75. - Yeah, it sounds like he's doing really well. - I'll bet.

76. Seems he just graduated with a bachelor's degree in electrical engineering.

77. Wow. His parents must really be proud, huh?

78. Well, I'm gonna go. Always love these get-togethers.

79. I think we really broke through there.

80. Let me tell you something. My trainer, that bastard,

81. he didn't prewarn me at all.

82. He set me up big time.

83. - Right around that corner. - Okay.

84. Look at the Iog, bitch.

85. There are few things in this world more unsettling

86. than going into the back to grab condiments,

87. and ending up staring at a huge, steaming pile of cock.

88. Hey, Serena.

89. - Hey, babe. - What's up, Hangover?

90. I'm not hung over.

91. - Oh, you and Monty were crazy last night. - Yeah, it was cool.

92. How about you? You have a good time?

93. I would've had a better time if somebody hadn't been ignoring me all night.

94. Was that me?

95. Think Monty and I got a Iittle carried away.

96. - Oh, I swear, when you two are together. - You're perverts! All of you.

97. If you guys can go five minutes without referencing your genitals, I'll be amazed.

98. I know what you're thinking now.

99. You think we're all gay, don't you?

100. Think we're all just a bunch of deviant Iifestyle-Iiving,

101. same-sex having motherfuckers, am I right?

102. Yeah.

103. Well, listen. You can put that faggoty baby to bed right now.

104. None of the guys that work here are gay.

105. I mean, I'll stick my finger in my ass every now and again when I'm feeling squirrelly,

106. but that's about the extent of it.

107. It's absolutely true. I've seen him do it.

108. See what I mean? Perverts.

109. Hey, I've seen you use more than a finger.

110. - Oh! - Bye, babe.

111. - What's up, buddy? - Nothin', man. What's going on?

112. What? What?

113. - What's wrong? - I'll tell you Iater.

114. Listen, man. You got nothing to worry about. It's just a game.

115. - Exactly. - And besides, you know,

116. if heterosexual men can't show their cocks to each other,

117. - then what the hell are we doing here? - Amen, brother.

118. You're adorable.

119. Hey, Bishop. This is Mitch.

120. He's the new guy.

121. I want you to do a couple things for me.

122. First, I want you to observe very closely your surroundings today.

123. Take everything in.

124. Leave no mental stone unturned.

125. Can you do that for me, Mitch?

126. Good.

127. Then I want you think about

128. what your life would be like if you had been born blind.

129. Thanks, Bishop.

130. Go. Go, go, go, go, go.

131. As you can see, this is a wait station.

132. This is where you're gonna get the ice, the soft drinks, the condiments,

133. the doggie bags, et cetera and so forth.

134. That's the computer where you're gonna put the food and drink orders in.

135. I hate this fucking place sometimes, you know.

136. Why the fuck do we need four more people on at this time of day, man?

137. Look at this place! It's fucking dead.

138. I swear, Dan needs to clean the shit out of his fucking brain sometimes, man.

139. Fucking asshole. What are you Iooking at, fuckwad?

140. That's Naomi. And she's been working here way too long.

141. But she's actually a pretty sweet girl when she's drunk. Let's go.

142. Come on, baby. It's nothin' like that.

143. It's true. You just treat me like a piece of meat.

144. Not just any piece of meat, baby. A prime rib.

145. - Really? - Uh-huh. Baby, you're oozin' with sexuality.

146. Yeah, but why does it always have to be about my looks?

147. Just 'cause I dress slutty doesn't mean I am slutty.

148. Okay. This is for deliveries. There's the Dumpster for the trash.

149. Also, if you wanna get out of the restaurant and chill out, here you go.

150. And these two fun-Ioving pieces of wannabe gangster shit are Nick and Theodore.

151. How many fucking times I told you, man? It's the fucking T-dog, yo.

152. - Sorry, G. - Hey, yo, bitch.

153. What makes you think I won't cut you?

154. Aw. Come on, now, dog.

155. You know I'm just fucking with you.

156. You know I give you the mad, phat, superfly, stupid-dope,

157. dumb-ass, retarded, bomb-shit props.

158. Yo, it's almost 4:20, dog. Let's go.

159. Those guys should be sterilized. And I'm not kidding at all.

160. You don't talk much, do you, Mitch?

161. - Actually, you haven't really given- - That's okay.

162. 'Cause I didn't talk much when I first started working here either.

163. You just gotta get used to your surroundings.

164. - What's up, Poncho? - Hey, Raddimus. How you doin'?

165. Actually, more importantly, how are you and Danielle doing?

166. I saw that you guys were arguing, and-

167. Shit, you know, it would be a shame if you guys broke up.

168. You two are really good together.

169. Fuck off, okay. Even if we did break up, you stand no chance in hell, man.

170. She got this thing about dating grown men who've had sex with 16-year-old girls.

171. See, that's the problem with women, okay?

172. They're always trying to project their own values on you.

173. Whatever. Anyway, this is Mitch.

174. He just started today, so I thought I'd give you the pleasure

175. of explaining the finer points of the game to him.

176. Oh, virgin blood. Follow me.

177. Come here. I wanna talk to you.

178. Thanks, Raddimus. Be gentle.

179. - There you go, Dean. - Aw, thanks, Tyla. You rock.

180. Yeah, Tyla, you're the coolest girl in the whole school.

181. Hey, man.

182. Tyla, every time I look at you, I wish I was a Iesbian.

183. Oh, what a coincidence. Every time I look at you,

184. - I'm glad I'm a Iesbian. - Ouch.

185. Oh, hey, Christy. It's just Calvin callin'.

186. Just starting to work the double.

187. You owe me.

188. No, I was kiddin'. You don't really owe me anything.

189. So, I was just callin' ya, 'cause it's kind of dead here right now.

190. So, I don't know.

191. Give me a call back. I'm at work.

192. Duh. Duh.

193. Come on. Talk to me, Goose. What's wrong?

194. Remember Chet Miller from high school?

195. - Tall guy, kind of smelled like my dad's ass? - That's the one.

196. My mother told me he graduated with his bachelor's degree in electrical engineering.

197. Yeah, so?

198. Well, you know, we were in all the same classes in high school.

199. We're the same fucking age.

200. Well, yeah. But electrical engineering?

201. - Come on. Screw that noise. - Yeah, but come on, man.

202. We haven't even graduated from community college.

203. Haven't even got our A.A. degree.

204. Then when we do, what? What the hell can you do with an A.A. degree anyway?

205. You can get a job substitute teaching for retarded kids or something.

206. Exactly.

207. That's the dish area back there. This is where you pick up the food.

208. That's FIoyd. FIoyd!

209. Welcome to Thunderdome, bitch.

210. Okay, that's the dry area, man. That's where we keep all the condiments.

211. Right over here. This is the cooler.

212. The milk and vegetables, whatever.

213. Back here is the freezer. You'll find the meat-

214. Okay, so let me tell you about this Iittle game we play.

215. I assume Monty went over the basic idea with you, right?

216. - Yeah, he- - You know the object, right?

217. To have the other guy look at you naked.

218. Are you okay with that?

219. What are you, some kind of a fucking sick, demented pervert, huh?

220. - No. I was- He told me. - Come on, bro. I'm just fucking with you.

221. Look, man, we're all sick. All right?

222. Now, look. The main thing to remember

223. is to get the other guy to unknowingly look at your cock and balls.

224. Okay, don't just fucking pull down your pants and say, "Look at my dick!"

225. You gotta be sneaky.

226. I'm gonna go through the positions with you. The first one's the easiest.

227. Call that one "The Look." All right?

228. All you gotta do, pull down your pants real quick, show 'em the goods.

229. If they look, you get to kick 'em in the ass once.

230. Second one is called "The Brain." Right?

231. What you gotta do is isolate your nuts with your fist.

232. Okay, now, take the time to look at it, okay?

233. Because it bears a striking resemblance to-

234. Aha. Brain. Yeah.

235. Okay. For that you get two kicks.

236. - So- - The third one, I call it the "Bat Wing."

237. Okay. What you do is you take the excess skin from your nuts,

238. and you take it and you make it flat like paper, all right?

239. Now, once again, you take the time to appreciate this.

240. You see that it looks all veiny and alive like a bat wing, all right?

241. If they look, they get three kicks, all right?

242. But you can't forget this, all right?

243. You gotta call 'em a fag, okay?

244. Very important. The game Ioses it's meaning

245. if you don't humiliate them for being a fucking meatcake.

246. You got that?

247. I just don't understand

248. why your mom gives you so much shit anyway.

249. I don't know, man. You know.

250. She's my mom. She wants me to succeed in life.

251. Yeah. Whatever the hell that means.

252. Jesus, I'm just glad my mom's not like that.

253. So I called your house today at 2:00.

254. You were still asleep, weren't you?

255. That's an understatement.

256. So what did you do last night? I trust my Iittle angel

257. didn't do anything immoral.

258. Well, let's see.

259. I started by getting completely hammered drunk. It was bad.

260. Then drove while intoxicated to pick up this disease-infested prostitute.

261. Uh-huh.

262. From there, let's see. Me and the hooker went back to my place-

263. The hooker and I.

264. Excuse me. The hooker and I went back to my place.

265. And from there-

266. God, it was just a blur of intravenous drug abuse and unprotected sex

267. while taking the Lord's name in vain.

268. Dean, did you know that when Monty was a child, everyone thought he was retarded?

269. Dean, doesn't my mom look old?

270. I mean, like, much older than she rightfully should?

271. So why aren't you and Serena still together? I Iiked her.

272. I don't know. I guess it got old.

273. We had a relationship based on orgasms.

274. Oh, how charming.

275. You are being safe, aren't you?

276. I don't think I could handle the idea of you reproducing.

277. Come on, Mom. Of course I'm being safe.

278. I pull out.

279. Yes, well, your father pulled out too,

280. but we've all seen the tragic end of that story.

281. You think I wanna have kids? Absolutely not.

282. That's why I stick to anal sex.

283. If only I had been so Iucky.

284. Okay, so that's the Abraham Lincoln.

285. But remember, you have to shave it so it looks like his beard.

286. Otherwise, it don't count.

287. Now the last one. The last one is called "The Goat."

288. Okay, it's a bit trickier. But if you can pull it off,

289. you are a god among men, all right?

290. What you do is you take your nuts and your dick, right?

291. And you tuck it underneath.

292. Pull your pants down, show it, all right?

293. With it sticking out the backside. You got that?

294. Okay, well, that just about covers all the different variations that we have.

295. But you know, we're always Iooking for new positions.

296. So next time you got a Iittle down time, you find yourself a Iittle bored,

297. play with your nuts, you know what I'm saying?

298. See what you come up with, okay? It's all good.

299. All right. I really only have one thing I wanna talk about today,

300. and that's teamwork.

301. When the dinner rush hits and things start to get hectic,

302. you all have a tendency to start yelling and screaming at one another.

303. That's just dumb and senseless, 'cause you're only gonna be hurting yourselves.

304. Let's think about it. If you upset the hostess, she's not gonna seat you.

305. If you upset the busboys, they're not gonna care if your table's ready.

306. If you upset the cooks, they're not gonna care if your food's taking too long.

307. - The brain! - Ah, shit!

308. Oh, the brain!

309. I think you're all great waiters and waitresses.

310. And you should be able to rely on one another when you're in the weeds.

311. Remember, gang. The difference between ordinary and extraordinary

312. is that Iittle extra.

313. All right. That's all I have for you today.

314. Let's have a great shift.

315. Oh, uh, push the fish. It's about to turn.

316. That's it.

317. - Dean, can I have a word with you? - Sure.

318. - Have a seat, Dean. - Thanks, Dan.

319. - How long you been a waiter? - Since I was 18,

320. so about four years.

321. Wow. You don't wanna be a waiter forever, do you?

322. What do you mean?

323. Carson got promoted to GM over at Riverside,

324. so we need a new assistant manager.

325. I'd like to offer the job to you.

326. - Are you serious? - Heck, yeah, I'm serious.

327. Now I'm not gonna Iie to you. The job comes with more responsibility,

328. but it offers a lot more rewards.

329. You get full medical, dental, two-weeks' paid vacation,

330. and I might add, a hefty pay increase.

331. - I do pretty well. - Cool.

332. It is cool.

333. And, let's not forget the power.

334. - Right. - Control.

335. You tell people to do things, and they have to do it,

336. or they get in trouble.

337. I mean, you're in the driver's seat here. Your finger's on the button.

338. - Think about it. - Okay.

339. Well.

340. - Are you okay? If you're not interested- - No, no, no.

341. It's not that I'm not interested, I just-

342. Sorry, Dan, just a lot of things- Can I take a Iittle while to think about it?

343. Yeah. Oh, sure. Yeah, yeah.

344. Take your time. Yeah, don't rush, you know.

345. Talk about it next week or something like that.

346. - Cool. Thanks, Dan. - Let me ask you something.

347. - What's that? - Why don't we hang out?

348. - Oh. Like- - Why don't we hang out more often?

349. - We do at work. - You and me.

350. I was thinking to myself last night, Iaying in bed, going,

351. "Why don't Dean and I hang out? We're practically the same guy."

352. I-I-I sort of have a core group of friends. You have your own friends and-

353. You know what? You'd think I do. I don't.

354. - Has anyone seen Dean? - Oh, he's in the back talking to Dan.

355. Yeah, you wanna know what they're talking about?

356. Dan wants to make Dean assistant fuckin' manager.

357. - Well, did he take the job? - I don't know. I couldn't-

358. He better fuckin' not have.

359. Okay, whoa, whoa. Hold on.

360. I gotta warn you. Take my car, what do you think's gonna happen?

361. - Yeah, I don't really think- - Score.

362. Okay.

363. God.

364. Hey, so what was that about?

365. Nothing important. Just bullshit.

366. What?

367. Hey, there, folks. My name's Dean. I'll be your waiter today.

368. Can get you something to drink while you're Iooking at the menus?

369. Hi, there, guys. My name is Serena, and I'll be taking care of you today.

370. Hey, there, Iadies. Hi, my name is Amy, and I'll be your waitress today.

371. Is there anything I can get you to drink while you're Iooking at the menus?

372. Yeah, I want a single shot of whiskey and a double-shot of whiskey,

373. and she'll have a water.

374. You know, what the hell? It's our anniversary.

375. Why don't you bring her a Pepsi?

376. You'll be taking care of us?

377. I like the sound of that.

378. I like that.

379. Okay, I don't mean to be a bitch,

380. but the last four times we've come here, the food was awful.

381. Well, I apologize for the food the last few times,

382. and we will certainly do our best to make sure that doesn't happen again.

383. Yeah, that's what the last waitress said.

384. - Can I get an extra side of blue cheese? - Sir, yes, sir.

385. Right. Blue cheese for you, stat.

386. - Have a good day, big guy. - Thanks.

387. Assistant Manager Jackoff.

388. Come on, you worthless dick.

389. Just pee.

390. Fuck.

391. I'll try the other hand maybe.

392. Goddamn it.

393. I can't believe you would do that to me.

394. No, that's it. Do not- Do not call me back.

395. Hey. Are you okay?

396. I'm about this close to swearing off men altogether.

397. Let me get you another drink.

398. All right, see what Serena's doing right there?

399. - She's baiting those poor saps. - I love Patrick Swayze.

400. - Yeah? - Yeah, you kind of remind me of him.

401. I guarantee you they're gonna leave her a fat tip.

402. Women, they're so fuckin' wily.

403. Oh, but poor, Amy. She's a different story.

404. She was D.O.A. from the very beginning.

405. And by extra Iemon we mean enough for our waters and then some more.

406. Look at the scowl on that woman's face.

407. - It's all my fault. - That would be Iovely.

408. - Thank you. - Thank you so much.

409. - Don't worry. - You are too kind.

410. She'll be Iucky to get ten percent.

411. I'm surprised you didn't give those guys a Iap dance.

412. Oh, what's that, jealousy?

413. - Women troubles, Amy? - I just don't understand

414. what would compel a person to be such a bitch to a total stranger.

415. - Maybe she was abused as a child. - Oh, God. I fucking hope so.

416. Oh, man. You look really pissed.

417. - You really are an asshole. - Shenaniganz.

418. - Fuck you. - He has a shy bladder.

419. - So is there- - Mitch, go in the back, check out the cooks.

420. I'll be there in a few minutes, okay?

421. So, what do you think of Natasha?

422. - I think she's illegal. - Yeah. I've made peace with that.

423. Seriously, look at her. You know she has that Scooby-Doo tongue.

424. Statutory rape.

425. On the other hand, maybe she is too young.

426. Like that's ever stopped you before.

427. That is a very, very good point.

428. And I'm convinced Natasha will be mine. Thanks for the advice, buddy.

429. - Hey, anytime. - Yeah.

430. - What's going on with you and Amy? - What's up, Obsession?

431. - Shut up. - So how long have you two been-

432. - Three months. Shit or get off the pot time. - Yep.

433. - Has even hinted that he's aware of it? - No, he's acting oblivious.

434. Are you gonna talk to her or hope you're never forced to make an actual decision?

435. - I'm going with option "B". - That's my boy.

436. - Have you talked to him about it? - No. I'm playing hard to get.

437. Oh, but haven't you slept with him the past five nights?

438. Well, not real hard to get.

439. She really is a Iittle badass though. And fun to hang out with. Laid back.

440. Maintenance fees are really low. I like that.

441. Yeah, she's a cool chick. I'd do her. Hell, I'd probably even pay.

442. I would.

443. I don't know, man. I'm not even thinking about Amy right now.

444. - Who are you thinking about? - Chet Miller.

445. Come on, man! You're wracked with regret

446. just because some old fuck-boy classmate graduated college?

447. Are you gonna take the assistant manager job?

448. Wait. How the hell do you know about that?

449. Are you fucking kidding me? You know this place.

450. People with the day off already know.

451. Half of me is like take the job. I could really use the money. It's a smart move.

452. But the other halfs like, "Am I fucking nuts?"

453. Do I really wanna end up like Dan?

454. Busted.

455. Hey, Rocco? It's Dan down at Shenaniganz.

456. Got another one for ya.

457. All right.

458. Not on my watch.

459. And there you go, folks.

460. Damn, boy. What the hell took so long?

461. Well, you had the two well-done steaks,

462. so it usually takes a Iittle while to cook.

463. Yeah, well, could you get me some more ketchup?

464. Sure. No problem.

465. Nothin' sets off the flavor of a steak like some ketchup.

466. And his mouth tasted just like buttermilk.

467. Hey, Monty? Could you drop off my food, please?

468. I can't deal with that bitch anymore.

469. No problem.

470. It's go time, Mitch.

471. Hey, there, Iadies. Amy's busy so I thought I'd bring your food out.

472. But I still have some salad left.

473. Oh, well, would you like me to take the food back and bring it out in a few minutes?

474. Yeah, and let it dry out under the heat Iamps?

475. Just give me the food.

476. Okay. There you go.

477. Wait. Did that waitress listen to a word I said?

478. This steak is medium rare.

479. I asked for it medium. And I wanted extra gravy on my mashed potatoes.

480. Let me ask you something. How hard is your job?

481. How intelligent do you have to be to take a food order?

482. - Jesus! - Ma'am.

483. Ma'am, you're absolutely right, and I apologize.

484. I'm gonna get this fixed for you right away.

485. Good. Now I can finish my salad.

486. Okay.

487. Gentlemen, we have our first official bee-atch of the day.

488. Oh, come on, guys. She wasn't that bad, was she?

489. Well, Amy, it's your table. You decide.

490. She was a fucking bitch! Do it.

491. Yo, we need to get some fucking hydroponics

492. so we can grow our own shit, yo.

493. Hells, yes. Soon as we get the hydro, we can run this city like the fuckin' mob.

494. I swear, we gotta grow it, smoke it, sell it. We'd be a fucking pimp.

495. Yo, and you know the bitches be Iovin' that shit.

496. We'll get more fuckin' puss than Busta, more than Dre,

497. more than fuckin' Snoop Dogg.

498. So it's on then? We're getting the fucking hydro.

499. We're gonna run this city like the motherfucking mob.

500. The first thing we do is add a Iittle extra gravy to the mashed potato.

501. Ah, that's it. Good job, buddy. Nice one.

502. Followed by a thin spread of cheese for your garlic bread.

503. - Some "fromunda" cheese. - Yeah, make us proud.

504. Fresh from the taint. We like this. Good.

505. - Up next, what we're gonna do- - How about a Iittle guacamole for the steak?

506. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing?

507. Come on, man. You can't be mixing Mexican and Continental.

508. Come on, man. I thought you was better than that.

509. All right. How about a Iittle garlic salt?

510. That's what I'm talking about. Finesse, baby!

511. These guys have a deep commitment to their job.

512. Finally, a garnish of alfalfa sprouts.

513. Adds a touch of cla-

514. Touch of class to any meal.

515. There we go.

516. Oh, God.

517. Good stuff.

518. I'll pull out my motherfuckin' shotty.

519. Pull up like John Gotti.

520. I'll have the motherfucker on the carpet. I fucked that bitch!

521. Hell, yeah, motherfucker. We be down-

522. Okay, Nicholas, Theodore. Boys.

523. It doesn't take ten minutes to take out the trash.

524. Now, if you don't get your asses out front and start doing some work,

525. I'm gonna fire you faster than you can say, "Yo, MTV Raps."

526. - Yes, sir. - I'm sorry?

527. - Yes, sir. - Yes, sir.

528. Hey, Rocco.

529. Yeah, right there.

530. Here you go, ma'am.

531. I had the chefs take extra special care of it for you.

532. I'm truly sorry for the inconvenience.

533. You know, we should probably feel guilty, but she broke the cardinal rule:

534. Don't fuck with people that handle your food.

535. All right. How you guys doin'? Everything prepared okay?

536. Could be better. It'll do.

537. I'm sorry. Is there anything I can do to make it better?

538. Yeah, get me an extra roll.

539. And bring me the check.

540. Sure.

541. No problem.

542. And I'm gonna sing that bitch a fucking 187.

543. All right then, Calvin.

544. Just relax and start at the beginning.

545. Okay.

546. About three months ago I just finished my shift, and I really had to take a piss.

547. So, I go into the bathroom.

548. And I'm at the urinal, just waiting for the flow,

549. minding my own business.

550. When I notice out of my peripheral vision

551. the guy standing next to me was looking straight at my dick.

552. He's just staring at it like they're old pals.

553. I could practically hear what he was thinking.

554. "Whoa. That's a nice dick. "

555. And that's it.

556. Since that time, I haven't been able to use a public bathroom.

557. Goodness.

558. And the next time I tried to take a Ieak, I could've sworn

559. the guy standing next to me was staring at me, and I freaked.

560. Quit staring at my dick!

561. In retrospect, I think I might've been mistaken.

562. What about the stall?

563. No, it didn't work either.

564. Every time I go to take a piss, I get the image of that guy's eyes on my shank.

565. And then that's when I start hearing the voices.

566. Voices?

567. I get this paranoid feeling there are people outside the stall,

568. and they know I'm having a difficult time taking a piss.

569. I can hear them saying, "What's taking him so long?

570. Why can't he just piss like a normal person?

571. I don't hear any peel"

572. I'm really fucked up.

573. Psychosomatic auditory hallucinations.

574. Most people have to pay for such a thing.

575. So what the hell should I do?

576. Well, first,

577. you need to think about how this problem affects other parts of your personality.

578. - Oh. - See, I recommend-

579. Oh, bro, that ain't right, man.

580. - Take a look at the bat wing, bitch! - Oh, it's so veiny.

581. Damn, Raddimus. Does Danielle know that you like to go both ways? How does that work?

582. Sweet victory.

583. Good job, asshole.

584. I'm sorry. Go ahead.

585. Hello, sir. My name is Monty. This is my trainee, Mitch.

586. - How are you doing today? - Oh, I'm slipping gradually into senility.

587. Really? Do you consider that a good thing or a bad thing?

588. Well, it's a mixed bag.

589. It's good in the sense that I can take walks in my underwear.

590. I can give small children the middle finger.

591. But as long as I look happy while I'm doing it,

592. people just assume I'm senile.

593. Yeah, so what's the bad?

594. Well, sometimes I give small children the middle finger

595. and don't realize I'm doing it until someone slaps me.

596. So I really am going senile.

597. AIzheimer's can't be all bad.

598. You get a chance to meet new people every day.

599. - I like you, Monty. - I like you too, sir.

600. I like you too, Monty.

601. So what could I get you to drink?

602. I trust you.

603. You know what? You can count on me, sir.

604. I don't even care if he gives me a poor tip,

605. that is the coolest old man I've met in my entire life.

606. - How's your table? - Couple of hicks.

607. - Yikes. - Yeah, but the check total's $63,

608. so even if they tip 15 percent I should make 10 bucks.

609. You're a bastard. So far I've made 15 percent of jack shit.

610. Jesus.

611. There you go, buddy. It's all you.

612. Thanks a lot. We'll see you next time.

613. How much did they leave you?

614. $1.91.

615. No fucking way.

616. Excuse me, sir. You forgot your change.

617. No. That's for you. That's your tip.

618. Oh, no, no, no. I insist. You take it.

619. You obviously need this more than I do.

620. I wanna speak to your manager now, please. This is horse shit.

621. Okay, Mitch, you see what Dean did there?

622. Don't ever do that.

623. - What, did he stiff you? - He might as fucking well have.

624. Two bucks on a $63 check.

625. Oh, damn. That is pretty shitty.

626. For insulting me I should get some free gift certificates and a key chain and a hat.

627. Absolutely, sir. Yes.

628. And how about a couple of sundaes with some nuts on 'em?

629. Yeah, I will have Natasha take down all your information,

630. and I will make sure corporate sends those to you.

631. You're gonna mail me a sundae? I want it now.

632. Get in here. You wanna explain to me what the heck you were thinking?

633. Insulting a customer like that?

634. You're right. I know. I know. He just-

635. I'm having a really bad day, Dan, and that guy caught me at the worst possible moment.

636. - I'm sorry. I lost it. - You're sorry?

637. I don't understand. I've never gotten a complaint on you.

638. And you had to pick the day I offer you a promotion?

639. I promise you it won't happen again, okay?

640. Opportunity is knocking at the door. If you don't wanna answer it, fine.

641. There are people who would jump at the chance.

642. Calvin is chomping at the bit for this job.

643. I am offering you an opportunity to take it to the next Ievel, earn more money.

644. I want an answer by the end of your shift... tonight!

645. And Dean, this is an exploding offer.

646. I don't work within the exact boundaries of the Iaw,

647. because I wasn't consulted when the goddamn Iaws were made.

648. No, instead, nameless, faceless politicians,

649. the so-called protectors of the moral majority decide what is right and what is wrong.

650. I mean, come on!

651. I govern my life around my own personal code of ethics, and I suggest you do the same.

652. That way if, within the constructs of my own morality

653. I were to do something that was considered illegal, so be it.

654. I feel no guilt whatsoever.

655. And furthermore, if I were to buckle under the social weight of the system

656. by adhering to Iaws that I do not truly believe in,

657. then I would be extinguishing the very fire of patriotism and individuality.

658. It's- It's so-

659. In a sense,

660. by having sex with Natasha,

661. I'd be preserving the rights our forefathers fought and died for, right?

662. - Well, I guess- - Bro, it was a rhetorical question.

663. Okay? So-

664. Oh, hey, Dean. I heard Dan yelling at you. It was kind of crazy.

665. You think you're still in the running for the assistant manager?

666. Did you ever just wake up and realize, "Holy shit. I'm a fucking loser."

667. Yeah, man.

668. God, I just wanna be able to say, "I wanna be a teacher," you know,

669. or a podiatrist or a fucking electrical engineer.

670. Anything! Just have a fucking clue!

671. Hey, who has a clue, right?

672. Hey, I don't. Hello? I don't know what's going on.

673. Hey, could you put down the ice pick?

674. - Sorry you had to hear that guy yell. - Oh, it's okay.

675. You shouldn't have to be subjected to that.

676. You're way too sweet.

677. - Way too cute, too. - Stop it. You're gonna make me blush.

678. Bet you drive the boys wild at your school.

679. Maybe. I don't really like the boys at my school.

680. No? Why?

681. I prefer older men.

682. Really? Wow.

683. I like a man in power.

684. Yeah, well, being a manager, obviously, I know what you mean.

685. It takes a lot of power to command the respect of everybody at the restaurant.

686. - That's true. - Yeah.

687. We should go to dinner sometime and talk about it.

688. I'll bring my manager card, and we'll just eat for free.

689. As they say, membership has its privileges.

690. What's up with you? What are you still doing here?

691. Christy asked me to work for her, so I'm working a double.

692. Time-out. Isn't this your only night off this week?

693. Yeah.

694. And you're using it to work a double-shift for Christy?

695. Wait. You actually have to get the pussy before you can be whipped by it.

696. - That's right. - You guys suck.

697. - Yes, we do. - Wait. Didn't you take out Christy last night?

698. - Yeah, we went out last night. - Come on, man! Details!

699. Fuck the details. I wanna know. Did you do it? Did you make a move?

700. - What do you mean? - Don't give me that shit. You know.

701. - Did you kiss her? Rub against her skin? - Cuddle with her? Rub her Ieg?

702. - Hold her hand? - Nipple tweak? Anything?

703. - No, I'm still- - Oh, my God!

704. I need more time.

705. - Forget it. It's over. You're fucked. - Not Iiterally.

706. - Why? Because you won't pull the trigger. - And you're too fucking nice!

707. Why do you always say that? I'm not-

708. - What happens with every girl you like? - Nothing!

709. You take 'em out, you pay for everything, and you never make a move!

710. Then you home, alone, to masturbate while you cry, using your own tears-

711. That was once, and I was drunk and it was Valentine's day. So back off.

712. Don't try to candy coat it. All we ever do is hang out and have sex.

713. What are you talking about? Didn't I take you to the movies last week, huh? Huh?

714. Yeah, but you kept trying to get me to jerk you off.

715. What do you want? It was a dull movie.

716. Yeah, but I just get the feeling that you don't care.

717. I don't care? I don't care?

718. When my uncle died, didn't I ask you to be by my side at the funeral?

719. Yeah, but you kept trying to get me to jerk you off.

720. How many times can we have the same exact conversation?

721. It's like we're stuck in a time paradox

722. where neither our wisdom nor your virginity will ever escape.

723. I attempt to make a move.

724. I get in close. I'm there and I just get-

725. Fuck!

726. - You need therapy. - Hush, now.

727. The way I see it, with chicks,

728. there's really only two possible things that could happen.

729. Either they won't sleep with you, and then there's no need to call them again,

730. or they do sleep with you, and then there's no need to call them again.

731. This is what I don't get. How can someone be such a complete asshole all the time

732. and get as many women as you do?

733. That's a good question.

734. - Amy! Serena! Calvin needs our help. - No.

735. - No, I don't need help. - Shh, shh.

736. Women like assholes, am I right?

737. - Well, I agree that you're an asshole. - Okay.

738. "A", fuck you. "B", just answer the question.

739. Well, okay. Girls like assholes, not women.

740. What women are attracted to is self-confidence.

741. Yes, and we absolutely fucking hate insecurity.

742. Yes! The more insecure you are the more you ask, "Is something wrong?"

743. - "Is everything okay?" - "What are you thinking about?"

744. "What's wrong?" And the more you do that, Calvin,

745. the more it becomes this self-fulfilling prophecy.

746. You just need to relax and not worry so much. Okay?

747. Yeah. That makes a lot of sense.

748. - I'm gonna work on it. - Yeah. Yeah, you do that.

749. And by the way, take whatever advice that she gives you with a big grain of salt.

750. Yeah, and take anything that he gives you with a shot of penicillin.

751. Seriously, Calvin, do yourself a favor.

752. Unless you're combing the playground for middle schoolers,

753. don't become an asshole like Monty.

754. Correct me if I'm wrong, but haven't I been inside you?

755. - Oh, Monty. - Oh, me.

756. You wanna brag about your sexual conquests, you big stud, you?

757. Okay, you know what? Fine. Let's talk about it.

758. Let me describe Monty's amazing sexual prowess.

759. He'd barrel into me with that pathetic excuse for a child's penis.

760. And it would end so quickly, so abruptly,

761. I wouldn't even have time to feel any sort of

762. morbid, accidental amusement towards his "technique,"

763. which was basically him seizuring on top of me

764. for, oh, about 45 seconds,

765. while I laid there trying not to Iaugh... or cry.

766. Ouch.

767. Is it any wonder why you still date girls in high school?

768. They're the only ones left. They don't know any better.

769. Okay, okay. All right.

770. First of all, for the record,

771. I always had an orgasm when we had sex.

772. Secondly, everybody knows that I'm orally fixated.

773. You can't deny that I played your vagina like a violin.

774. Oh! As if that somehow negates the fact that once we got past foreplay,

775. you turned into the Iittle engine that couldn't hold his Ioad.

776. Oh, what the fuck ever!

777. If I was that bad, then why were you at my house every night?

778. All I had to do was call and say, "Hey. I'm horny."

779. And then fucking poof!

780. As if by some form of slut magic you'd appear. Now why is that?

781. Because at first, I really Iiked spending time with you.

782. I thought you were a genuinely interesting guy to be around.

783. Very true.

784. But eventually, it all wore thin. I realized that your personality

785. was just one short punctuated joke after another,

786. much like our sex life.

787. And, oh, Monty, do you remember why we stopped dating?

788. Yeah, I do. Because you were old news.

789. I was Iooking at other girls and getting bored. Basically, that was why.

790. Yeah, yeah. All that.

791. And the fact that I dumped you.

792. - Wait, I thought you said you dumped- - Shut up, Calvin.

793. I was just trying to let you down easy, but this is bullshit.

794. We both know that you enjoyed having sex with me.

795. The only real pleasure I ever got from having sex with you

796. came from making fun of it Iater with my friends.

797. - Tell him, Amy. - It's true. We Iaughed a lot at your expense.

798. So you know when you're walking past a group of people, you hear them Iaughing,

799. you sometimes get that paranoid self-conscious feeling?

800. Maybe they're Iaughing about you when they're really not?

801. Well, in your case, they really are.

802. God, I love her.

803. Oh, hello there.

804. Thank you for joining our family at Shenaniganz bar and grill.

805. It is our goal to maintain the absolute highest standard in all aspects-

806. Hey, man. We all had to watch it.

807. I'm gonna come back and get you after the dinner rush. The tape should be done then.

808. Cool?

809. Well, I mean, I guess. I-

810. of our most sacred company policies

811. to ensure that you have all the skills necessary

812. - to uphold our standard of excellence. - Shit.

813. Are you ready? Well, okay. Follow me.

814. All right, men. This is it.

815. The time has come. Remember, product pride. Portion consciousness.

816. Zero hour is upon us.

817. Let us seize the day!

818. Yeah, yeah! Carpe deez nuts.

819. God, I can't wait to quit this job!

820. Okay, your waiter will be right with you.

821. Hi there, folks. What can I get you to drink?

822. Would you like to start with an appetizer?

823. Would you like a baked potato, french fries or rice pilaf?

824. - Order up! - Is everything prepared okay?

825. - How about some dessert? - And here you go, folks.

826. I hope you enjoyed everything. I know I did.

827. - Fuck! - The five-second rule! The five-second rule!

828. One, two, three,

829. four, five.

830. A Iittle floor spice makes everything nice. There you go.

831. Damn, man. We almost had to switch to the ten-second rule.

832. You green snot-beard faggot!

833. Fuck you!

834. - Oh, no. - Hang on. I only have a small order.

835. - I have to put in an appetizer. Goddamn it. - Chill the fuck out!

836. Well, hurry up.

837. Okay, hey, gang. Listen up.

838. Let's get out there, take care of our guests.

839. I know it's getting crazy, but we can do it. We can do it.

840. Let's put that extra- just that Iittle extra- back in extraordinary.

841. Okay. There's no "me" in "team."

842. Yeah.

843. Hey, guys. Which one of these is medium rare?

844. Shoot. Let's just-

845. Goddamn it!

846. Please.

847. Let me do it.

848. All right, you two, let's go.

849. Hurry up, or your asses are fired!

850. So remember, find the solution before there's a problem.

851. Now let's go take a look at our problem back in the kitchen.

852. Come on, guys. This is bull crap.

853. Where the hell's my chicken sandwich?

854. Fuck you, bitch!

855. What the hell did I do to you, FIoyd?

856. Eat at Shenaniganz enjoy your food

857. Eat at Shenaniganz Calvin works here

858. Okay, that's hardly sanitary.

859. Hey, Dan. I have a table that needs to-

860. Trying to get a feel for the whole manager thing. You caught me.

861. Do you think you could get a feel for it outside? I need some fresh air.

862. Hey, hey, Christy. It's Calvin again. I-

863. Just calling again. Just checking in or whatever.

864. Called before a few times. Maybe you didn't-

865. I got all my bars.

866. So anyway, it's getting kind of busy.

867. But I'm never too busy to call you.

868. So call me back. You know the number. Okay. Bye.

869. Fuck.

870. So is everything okay? Is something wrong?

871. Are you mad?

872. Yeah?

873. Somethin' bad happens when you become a manager.

874. You put on your fuckin' tie, and you get your fuckin' Iittle manager card,

875. and you're think you're so fuckin' cool because you write the schedule

876. and tell us what to do.

877. When in reality, you know you're not even worth a bit of bullshit!

878. Whoa, Naomi!

879. Relax.

880. Relax, woman.

881. I guess if you become manager, you won't be able to date any of the waitresses.

882. While working here, you'll probably find some of your fellow employees attractive.

883. It's okay. There's nothing wrong with that.

884. But it's important not to act on those urges.

885. For Shenaniganz to run like an efficient, well-oiled machine,

886. it's a must that everyone act as a team.

887. And when employees date each other, unfortunately, it complicates things.

888. So for that reason

889. we strongly discourage such relationships from forming.

890. - Dean, Amy, I just sat you. - Oh, shit. What do we got?

891. Well, yours are cool. They look like business people.

892. - All right. - What about mine?

893. I don't know. They don't speak English.

894. - Foreigners! - I'm sorry.

895. - Are you mad at me? - No, I swear. I'm just going by the rotation.

896. I fuckin' hate foreigners! It's such bullshit!

897. Like they don't know how to tip? Oh, they know.

898. Aw, yeah, they fuckin' know.

899. All right. It's time to show the goat.

900. You could cut through shoes if you had to.

901. - I mean- - What are you doing, man?

902. Frontline stuff. Watch this. Watch this.

903. We have just been cutting things 90 to nothing.

904. And the cooks, they just love it because every time-

905. Hey, there, folks. My name is Amy, and I'll be taking care of you.

906. - Sir, what can I get for you? - I'd like a New York strip, mid rare,

907. and a baked potato with sour cream and chives only.

908. And- Hey. You're not writing any of this down.

909. Oh. Steel-trap.

910. You got the baby back ribs with fries,

911. you got the Mandingo chicken with rice and a salad with a side of blue cheese.

912. I respect the Iactose intolerance.

913. Okay. Okay, you're good.

914. Haley is so fuckin' fine, you know I be all up in that shit. Give her the bowling ball grip.

915. Two in the pink, one in the stink.

916. You guys are so one-dimensional.

917. Well, fuck you, whitey.

918. I just sat you. You're gonna love them.

919. Hey, there, Iadies. My name is Monty.

920. Hey, FIoyd, make sure there's no bacon on that chef salad. It's against her religion.

921. - All right? - Yes, master. Right away, master.

922. Ain't gonna be no bacon on the salad, master.

923. No bacon. Oh, no, no. Oh, no, no. Please. Oh.

924. Oh, no.

925. No bacon on the salad

926. So, is there anything else I can get you folks this evening?

927. I think I'd like a hot fudge sundae.

928. That does sound good. I'll be right back with that for you.

929. Like that bitch needs to be eating dessert anyway.

930. You know, if you ever want counseling in anger management or...

931. alcoholism, I'd be more than glad to do it for you.

932. You'd do that for me?

933. Thank you. I appreciate that.

934. But I think I'd rather you just wash the fucking dishes

935. and shut the fuck up!

936. Fucking psychobabble-bullshit asshole!

937. Fuckin' bitch. Son of a bitch, cocksucker.

938. Fuckin', I hate her. I hate her!

939. Fuckin' Nick and T-dog!

940. That is why we are always on guard for guests. You never know when-

941. - Shit. - So you have to make sure they-

942. Fuck! Man, no!

943. If we're gonna beat last year's numbers, I need you to be more hands-on.

944. I need you to be sure things don't fall through the cracks.

945. Basically, I need you to be more like Dean here.

946. I question whether you can see that by me serving food,

947. but thank you anyway.

948. - How is everything, guys? - Everything's perfect.

949. You're a master of your craft.

950. Thanks.

951. You keep this up, I may just try to Iure you away from this place.

952. All right. Well, thank you, sir.

953. Let me know if you need anything, guys.

954. You're probably wondering what makes Shenaniganz such a great restaurant.

955. So I thought I'd share with you a few key examples

956. of why we've had so much success.

957. First of all, our entrées are always cooked

958. exquisitely to perfection.

959. Our deserts were designed by gourmet chefs.

960. We always treat our guests with respect and dignity.

961. Did you see the tits on table 12?

962. We treat each other with respect and dignity.

963. Fuckin'-ass pervert!

964. Remember, the difference between ordinary and extraordinary

965. is that little extra.

966. The penis just looks ridiculous. It's like a shriveled roll of dimes or something.

967. I know. It's a joke.

968. - She's in love. - Hey, Tyla.

969. You gonna talk to your girlfriend all night or make my drink?

970. That's okay. I understand how it works.

971. Birds of a feather flock to vagina.

972. Get off your ass and get help!

973. You want some help, bitch?

974. Here you go.

975. Theodore! What the heck are you doing?

976. How many times I told you? My name is T-dog, bitch!

977. My name is T-dog, bitch! My name is T-dog, bitch!

978. Hey, sweetie. It's almost 9:00. I just came to say good-bye.

979. Hey, baby.

980. You wanna go in the car and have a Iittle sex?

981. So what if there's plenty of parking spaces? It's the principle of the matter.

982. Hey, you're preaching to the choir here. Know what I mean?

983. The Iord giveth, the Iord taketh away.

984. Damn, come on.

985. What the fuck?

986. Here you go, sir. Once again, I hope you enjoyed everything.

987. - Thanks. - See you guys.

988. Dean, I wanna tell you, you did an extraordinary job.

989. Oh, thank you, sir.

990. - How old are you? - I'm 22.

991. Well, you're obviously a very intelligent young man.

992. Let me give you my card.

993. Ever get tired of this place, you're Iooking for a new opportunity,

994. - you give me a call. - All right.

995. Thank you, sir. I honestly appreciate that.

996. Great. All right. Have a good night, guys.

997. Thanks again. Thank you.

998. Well, I hope he calls.

999. Mama said they's my magic shoes.

1000. Mama said they'd take me anywhere.

1001. Of course, Mama used to beat me with a rubber hose, call me a retard.

1002. Dude, please stop. Stop. Okay?

1003. I appreciate what you're trying to do. I do.

1004. But, dude, I'm really not in the mood for smiling, all right?

1005. Okay.

1006. - What? - The old Iady at table 37 wants you to sing

1007. the birthday song for her grandson.

1008. His name is Timmy, and he's eight years old.

1009. I need birthday singers!

1010. - Come on, people! We need birthday singers! - Fuck.

1011. There he is. There's the big winner.

1012. - Yeah! - Hey.

1013. All right. Attention, guests!

1014. Today's a very special occasion. It's Timmy's eighth birthday!

1015. Big round of applause. He's earned it.

1016. He's got his whole life ahead of him. The sky's the Iimit.

1017. I don't know but I've been told

1018. Someone here is getting old

1019. Good news is dessert is free

1020. Bad news is we sing off-key

1021. Happy birthday

1022. To you

1023. - Look at the camera! - Picture time.

1024. - All right. All right. - Cry it off.

1025. Well, we can't go in the parking lot.

1026. Can't go anywhere in the kitchen.

1027. Well, maybe we could-

1028. We are not having sex in the bathroom.

1029. - But- - No. No way. Forget it.

1030. Oh. Come on, baby.

1031. Come on.

1032. Okay.

1033. - Okay, but this is the last time. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

1034. So where do you girls go to college?

1035. Actually, we're still in high school.

1036. You're kidding. How old are you girls?

1037. Sixteen.

1038. Wow.

1039. You look a lot older than that. I would've guessed 19, 20, maybe 21.

1040. Yeah, we get that a lot.

1041. Here. Let me give you a hand with that.

1042. It's the stupid childproof Iighters.

1043. Hey, Bishop. Can I talk to you about something?

1044. Yeah, sure. Have a seat.

1045. Thanks.

1046. All right, so I went to my mother's this morning.

1047. You've been working here, what? About a year and four months, right?

1048. Yeah, I guess. About.

1049. - But anyway, we have a good relationship- - About three years ago,

1050. this restaurant went through quite a low point.

1051. Okay, I'm sorry. Did you wanna hear what I was gonna say or-

1052. Please. See, the store morale was beginning to slip.

1053. CIientele base began dropping off.

1054. That of course, led to Iower tips, which in time,

1055. led to an even Iower store morale.

1056. Basically, the entire restaurant was going through quite a downward spiral.

1057. Okay.

1058. Then Raddimus began working here.

1059. And with him came the penis-showin' game you all like to play.

1060. Okay, I- Why are you telling me this?

1061. Restaurant began to improve.

1062. Employees started having more fun at work. They started joking around a lot more,

1063. which led to a raise in the clientele base, higher tips

1064. and so on and so forth.

1065. Yeah, I still don't understand, Bishop.

1066. Point is,

1067. the penis-showin' game became a catalyst

1068. for the change necessary to be made in the restaurant.

1069. So, when things in your life become stagnant.

1070. You know, you're no longer happy with what you're doing.

1071. Then you figure out what's important to you.

1072. Then create your own penis-showin' game.

1073. Metaphorically speaking, that is.

1074. Okay. Okay, thanks, Bishop.

1075. So do you think taking the assistant manager job would be like my penis-showing game?

1076. Is that what you're saying?

1077. Okay.

1078. Where the hell is it? It's been over half an hour!

1079. Told you it'd be up in a minute! Get out of my face or I'll lose your ticket!

1080. What? What do you want? Get back to the training room, you ass cock!

1081. Goddamn it! I hate these fuckin' cooks. I hate them!

1082. Twenty minutes for two medium-rare steaks? This is bullshit.

1083. What the hell? They need to get rid of every single one of these lousy cocksucking mother-

1084. So how is everything?

1085. Give me a call when you get this.

1086. Can you bring this to table 75? I gotta try to take a piss.

1087. - Okay, good Iuck. - Thanks.

1088. Okay, so how would you like your steak prepared?

1089. Oh, let's see. Medium, medium-rare.

1090. Well, I want a hot, pink center.

1091. Don't we all?

1092. All right. Do you know what you guys want?

1093. - I'd like a tossed salad, please. - Oh, you're bad.

1094. Yo, girl, give me the instant camera.

1095. Yo, there's a birthday party in the kitchen. We're gonna take a picture.

1096. Bus table 73 first, and then I'll give you the camera.

1097. Yeah, whatever.

1098. Ma'am, I don't doubt the steak was overcooked,

1099. but did you have to eat it all before you complained about it?

1100. It's too bad chlamydia has to be a venereal disease. It's such a pleasant-sounding word.

1101. - Chlamydia? - Chlamydia.

1102. Chlamydia. I think I might name my daughter Chlamydia.

1103. Okay, he wanted the jumbo shrimp with baked potato, and she wanted the-

1104. Fuck. What did she order?

1105. - I can't. - Hothead.

1106. Hi. Here's your change. I hope you guys have a really nice evening.

1107. - Fuck. - Hurry up. Come on.

1108. What's taking so long?

1109. Shh. I'm trying to concentrate.

1110. Somebody here?

1111. Hurry up.

1112. This is crazy.

1113. Shh, shh, shh.

1114. No, no. Stop. Stop.

1115. - Here we go. - Oh, God!

1116. - My fuckin' man! Yeah, man! - You like that?

1117. Yo, give me the fucking picture back.

1118. So, what are you doing tonight?

1119. Oh, I'm sure I'll end up at the party.

1120. Oh, yeah?

1121. Do you-

1122. Do you think I-

1123. - You wanna come to the party? - Well, yeah.

1124. Those guys, they always seem to forget to tell me where it's at.

1125. Okay. As soon as I find out where it is,

1126. I'll make sure to give you directions.

1127. Well, then. Tonight should be a good night for both of us, huh?

1128. Only 30 more minutes to go, man.

1129. We better not have no late-night asshole comin' in here.

1130. So how'd y'all do tonight?

1131. - I made about 70. - 86.

1132. I made 67 on a double.

1133. Oh, God. How pissed are you?

1134. - How much did you make? - A bill.

1135. I never make- How do you make a hundred dollars every night?

1136. - You wanna know? - Yeah.

1137. You really wanna know how I make a hundred dollars every night?

1138. - Yes. - It's all about that right there.

1139. Yes!

1140. Yes!

1141. Monty with the assist!

1142. I can't believe how many homos we got working in here.

1143. It's crazy. Mitch, cherry-popping time.

1144. Okay, Monty, my bitch. Kick me a field goal.

1145. You know what? I don't understand.

1146. You plot and you scheme on how to get the other person to look at your goat

1147. or chicken wing or whatever.

1148. And then when he looks, you call him a fag.

1149. It's like it's an exercise in retarded homophobic futility.

1150. You know you girls love it.

1151. So, seriously, Iadies, why don't you wanna play the game?

1152. I really think that we'd be willing to amend the rules for you.

1153. - Oh, yeah. I bet you would. - No girl would ever play that game.

1154. Why not?

1155. - You wanna know why? - Yeah.

1156. - You really wanna know why? - I really do.

1157. Okay. I'll tell you why.

1158. - It's because of this! - Oh!

1159. Oh, yeah. Bang. Pow! Pow! Pow!

1160. It's so angry!

1161. Oh, God. Does that thing have its shots?

1162. - Put it away. Put it away. - Dinner is served!

1163. Oh, my God.

1164. Well, it's official. Now my penis is just for show.

1165. Mitch, you picked a fucked-up night to start working here.

1166. - Oh, my God. - Bend over, boys.

1167. Oh, it's Iadies' time.

1168. - Spread 'em. Let's go. - All right. That's enough.

1169. You Ioved it.

1170. - Mitch, you're coming to the party tonight? - Well, yeah-

1171. Great. Let's get this party started then.

1172. I gotta stop home first. I'll meet you there.

1173. Why do you have to go home?

1174. Oh. Right. Sorry, Calvin.

1175. Okay, baby doll, you're definitely coming, right?

1176. If you do everything right, I will.

1177. Oh, God, Natasha, you're gonna have to stop that. You're making it hard.

1178. I mean, difficult.

1179. Hey, Cochise, we're out. I'll see you, okay?

1180. Yeah. I'll see you there.

1181. Okay, I am so ready to get stupid.

1182. Only three more minutes till the ball drop, baby. Come on.

1183. Come on.

1184. - Oh, hi there. - You're not closed yet, are you?

1185. - Not quite. - Oh, terrific.

1186. - Great. - Here you go.

1187. And Dean will be your waiter this evening.

1188. Awesome.

1189. Hey, there, folks. My name is Dean. I'll be your waiter this evening.

1190. Hello, Dean.

1191. Hey, Chet.

1192. I'm sorry, guys.

1193. Why? Why? Why? Why?

1194. Okay, so I'll go ahead and put your order in,

1195. and maybe when I come back we'll catch up a bit.

1196. - Yeah, sounds good. - Cool.

1197. Oops. How clumsy of me.

1198. Oh, man, look what I did. I'm all thumbs today.

1199. All right, guys. Here you go, Chet. You got a steak.

1200. So, did you hear? I got my bachelor's degree.

1201. Yeah, yeah. My mother told me.

1202. - That's really cool. Congratulations. - Yeah.

1203. - Yeah, I heard you were working here. - Yeah.

1204. Anyway. Yeah. I just started my new career. They're starting me off at 48,000 a year.

1205. Wow. Wow.

1206. Yeah, I've been Iooking at houses. It's really exciting.

1207. I'll bet.

1208. - So what have you been doing? - Oh, you know.

1209. Well, I've been working here, obviously.

1210. And I'm still finishing up at C.C., taking a few more classes.

1211. I was actually thinking about taking an assistant manager-

1212. Could I get some more tea?

1213. Sure. Yeah.

1214. Coming right up.

1215. Hey, Dan, man, we outta here.

1216. Okay, Dan, I'm just leaving now.

1217. But here are the directions to the party.

1218. What time are you coming over?

1219. I should be out of here soon.

1220. I'm gonna go home and change

1221. and be right over.

1222. Okay.

1223. I just wanna warn you, I might be really drunk tonight.

1224. I hope you won't think less of me.

1225. No. No, I'm not.

1226. I won't.

1227. Okay. Well, I'll see you there.

1228. Fuck.

1229. - Dean, really, it's- - No.

1230. It's what?

1231. Here you go, Chet. It was nice seeing you again.

1232. Yeah, you too, Dean. Listen.

1233. You take care of yourself.

1234. You too. Okay.

1235. How much did he leave you?

1236. He must have made a mistake.

1237. Chet, Chet. I think you made a mistake.

1238. - You gave me a hundred dollar bill. - No, it's all there.

1239. - We're straight. - The check's only $31. That's like a $70 tip.

1240. Look, I just thought maybe you needed it more than I do.

1241. Hey! Dean.

1242. Have you thought about it?

1243. You want that assistant manager job?

1244. - 'Weiser? - No, thanks.

1245. Look-

1246. Hello? Hey, Christy.

1247. What's up?

1248. No, I'm not. No, I was just-

1249. Oh.

1250. Yeah, I'll see you tomorrow, then.

1251. Okay. Bye. Bye.

1252. Bye.

1253. - What's up with Christy? - Oh, she's-

1254. She's on a date.

1255. That's why she wanted me to cover her shift.

1256. She's- She's still with him.

1257. God, that's it.

1258. I'm gonna- I'm gonna change.

1259. Well, good.

1260. You should start tonight.

1261. - Go get one of those high school girls. - You think?

1262. Mitch, I want you to know that you did a really great job today.

1263. And you didn't even cry once, which is more than I can say for my last trainee.

1264. So, honestly, you think you can handle working here?

1265. - Yeah- - Hey, fuck off for a second. I'll be right back.

1266. Hey, whoa. Amy called, she told me what happened.

1267. You know what? Fuck Chet Miller.

1268. Hey, man, relax.

1269. All right? Relax. I'm okay.

1270. You serious?

1271. - I'd be ready to kill someone. - No, you know what?

1272. I'm glad he came in. I really am.

1273. Yeah, he was a prick, and at first I was so fucking pissed off,

1274. but it was weird.

1275. In one second, it all just kind of snapped into perspective.

1276. Please, elaborate. Did you talk to Dan?

1277. Do you want the assistant manager job?

1278. No.

1279. I quit.

1280. What?

1281. You know, I thought about it. I thought a lot about it

1282. and I know I don't wanna wait tables anymore.

1283. This is all temporary.

1284. This is supposed to be the in-between time.

1285. If I become an assistant manager,

1286. it's just one more step towards permanence.

1287. Fuck that, man. No way.

1288. So you've really...

1289. What did Dan say when you told him you quit?

1290. You're flushing a golden opportunity down the toilet.

1291. And just so you know, Hot Dog,

1292. if you do come back, this job won't be here for you.

1293. - I hope you're right. - I am right!

1294. - You're fired! - I mean, I already quit, so-

1295. No, you're fired!

1296. I write the book, okay?

1297. Here's how it went down. You walked in-

1298. You're fired!

1299. All right. Then, thanks for being so mature about this and professional.

1300. I was very professional. You're fired.

1301. All right.

1302. Get out! Get out of my sight!

1303. - That's harsh. - Yeah.

1304. He'll be cryin' himself to sleep tonight on his cock-shaped pillow.

1305. What are you gonna do now?

1306. I don't know.

1307. I don't know.

1308. I'm definitely gonna do somethin'.

1309. Fuck it.

1310. Let's go out there, let's celebrate,

1311. let's just get totally fucking annihilated, hammered-ass drunk

1312. and then run the train on Amy.

1313. Fuck.

1314. You really are an asshole, man.

1315. So I'm told.

1316. You're a good friend too.

1317. Let's just keep that on the DL. I'm all about low expectations.

1318. What, are you flirting with me?

1319. Oh, by the way, Cal.

1320. I've been thinking about your public bathroom phobia.

1321. - Yeah? - I believe I have a solution.

1322. Really? What is it?

1323. - Tell me what to do. - Okay, but first,

1324. close your eyes.

1325. Close my- Okay.

1326. Now...

1327. envision yourself at a bathroom urinal.

1328. With everybody you know crowded around you.

1329. They're cheering you on.

1330. They're chanting your name.

1331. Not only do they want you to urinate,

1332. they wanna see it.

1333. - Proud of you, buddy! - Hell, yeah!

1334. - Fuckin' piss, man! - We believe in you!

1335. You can do it!

1336. You pissing son of a bitch!

1337. Now, see yourself urinating, Calvin.

1338. You can do itl Do itl

1339. Do it.

1340. It's historicl

1341. So, go ahead and visual that for the next few weeks.

1342. Start off at home first, by yourself.

1343. Then you can move to a stall,

1344. and then eventually to an actual urinal.

1345. Thanks, Bishop. I mean it.

1346. That totally makes sense.

1347. Look, well, you guys, I'm feelin' good.

1348. You know what? I'm gonna go talk to one of those high school girls.

1349. - Well, good Iuck with that. - Thank you.

1350. So, what grade are you in?

1351. Oh, look at that. A bedroom.

1352. No.

1353. What? What do you mean?

1354. You start playing this weird, ambivalence bullshit, and it makes me feel psycho.

1355. And I never get psycho!

1356. I know.

1357. So I need you to do me a favor.

1358. I need you to not be such a pussy.

1359. Wow, there's the sass that I was missin'.

1360. - You're a flake. - I know I'm a flake!

1361. - Fuck you! - You can't even get a boner.

1362. Whoa, sorry to interrupt.

1363. Wait. Hey, Bishop.

1364. I created my own penis-showing game.

1365. So you quit your job.

1366. How'd you know I quit?

1367. Wow.

1368. Are you okay?

1369. Is somethin' wrong?

1370. Just checking.

1371. Wait. Wait, wait.

1372. What?

1373. You turn 18 next Wednesday, right?

1374. Yeah.

1375. Okay, then-

1376. Why don't we make this

1377. a "to be continued...

1378. until next Wednesday"?

1379. Why? Do you think I'm gonna turn you in?

1380. - You think you're going to get arrested? - No, no, no.

1381. I just- I feel like I don't wanna be-

1382. taking ad-

1383. - Let's just wait the week. - Okay.

1384. Okay.

1385. But if anybody asks, anybody at all,

1386. I fucked you.

1387. Twice!

1388. So, Mitch, how was your first day?

1389. Well?

1390. Well, it was-

1391. I remember my first day.

1392. What a doozy, huh? Bishop, you're gonna love this.

1393. I was so nervous I dropped this bowl of soup on a nun.

1394. Hey, turn down the music for a minute.

1395. - Hey, would you turn down the music? - Dude, chill.

1396. Would you turn down the fucking music for a minute! Jesus!

1397. This is fucking bullshit!

1398. I have been here all goddamned day and you haven't let me say one thing!

1399. None of you!

1400. - Well, damn, Mitch, I- - Oh, no, asshole!

1401. You shut the fuck up now. It's my turn to talk!

1402. You're all fucked in the head! All of you! I mean you-

1403. Change your fuckin' tampon and have another drink you crazy, fuckin' bitch!

1404. And you! "I don't know what to be when I grow up!"

1405. Join the fuckin' army or something!

1406. Goddamn!

1407. Oh, and you!

1408. You know what? You're too easy.

1409. And you.

1410. Fuck you, Monty!

1411. Always gotta be right, with your Iittle quips!

1412. We get it, man. You're fuckin' edgy and cool. Yeah!

1413. You're the coolest fuckin' guy at Shenaniganz!

1414. That's like being the smartest kid with Down syndrome!

1415. Oh, and, oh, yeah.

1416. Why aren't you in jail? I mean,

1417. what are you, like 13, 14?

1418. She's almost 18.

1419. You know what? Fuck this!

1420. You all suck. I quit.

1421. Oh, yeah.

1422. There is one more thing.

1423. You.

1424. You are the biggest piece of shit

1425. in this entire restaurant.

1426. And I hope you burn in hell.

1427. Me? What the fuck did I do to you, man?

1428. Seriously?

1429. Oh, shit!

1430. The goat! The goat, you bastard!

1431. Fuckin' faggots.

1432. That was the shit!

1433. Mitch! Mitch! Stop, please.

1434. Look, look. Stop, stop.

1435. Okay, I am sorry,

1436. and I hereby swear my undying allegiance to you.

1437. You are the fucking man.

1438. Now, come back to the party.

1439. Please?

1440. I swear to God, I'll never underestimate you again.

1441. - All right. - Okay.

1442. All right.

1443. Dean, you've been replaced.

1444. Fuck!

1445. All right, everybody, listen up.

1446. From here on out, Mitch is a made man.

1447. Anyone who has anything different to say, Nick and T-Dog will fucking fuck you!

1448. Let's talk about that T-Dog one more time!

1449. Shut up!

1450. What's that?

1451. Don't do that!

1452. Yo, man, yo! Yo! Beer run, man.

1453. Why the hell would you do that?

1454. - He's a fucking manager. - Well, he asked, so, I-

1455. You lost major cool points for this.

1456. What the hell are you doing here?

1457. Yo! What you doin'?

1458. - What's up? How you doin'? - Those look heavy.

1459. No, I think you can make it.

1460. - Asshole. - Shenaniganz.

1461. You bring my goddamn gift certificates?

1462. Is... Natasha... here?

1463. Okay. Yeah. They got me.

1464. All right. Okay.

1465. You- One week!

1466. When you're struggling Livin' off Ramen noodles

1467. I'm in my Lexus Finger-bangin'poodles

1468. You call me a busboy I'll bust you three times

1469. Slice you three times Slice you three limes

1470. And make you squeeze 'em on your own cuts

1471. And, bitch, you best give thanks before you eat my nuts

1472. Yeah, who's that motherfucker throwing pot in the ground

1473. These bitches used to clown me Now they surround me

1474. My mom tries to ground me I'm gonna slap her

1475. I'll fuckin' cap her Don't she know I'm a rapper

1476. I don't care about love Fuck amore

1477. Fuck the dumb whore-ay All day

1478. And then suck my dick all in its glory

1479. Swallow my nut This shit is gourmet

1480. I'm hor-nay but you fuckin' sluts bore me

1481. So fuck you, bitch I'll fuck your mama

1482. Then I'll kill your papa to top the drama

1483. Then I'll rape a llama to top that drama

1484. I'll eat that pussy like Jeffrey Dahmer

1485. I got a gat in my hand A pound in my tighty-whities

1486. A hit on my shit will make your eyes Chinese

1487. My wallets are thick and here's the thing, you dumb bitch

1488. Even my come's rich You fuckin' retard

1489. I'll pull your fuckin' card You ready, willin' and able

1490. You call me fuckin' fake just because I bus tables

1491. Fuck you I'll fuck your navel

1492. Real thugs pop guns You steal cable

1493. I got more bush than High Times More rhymes than LeAnn

1494. Pull out my glock Now you pee in your pants

1495. It's your last chance, I'll cut your retinas It's your last glance

1496. Yo, bitch, you're fucking worthless

1497. And if you backstab me I'll show you what a hearse is

1498. You can't be fixed by a hundred surgeons

1499. I'll pull out my heater and boom, bye-bye

1500. Even when you're dead I'm bustin' nuts in your eye

1501. Sin, sin, sir. I'll stick a dildo in

1502. While I'm hidin' in the Shenaniganz' garbage bin

1503. And with the other hand I'll doodle on some napkins

1504. Fuck you with a loaf of bread and make you cheat on Atkin's

1505. - Ah, yeah. - Oh, motherfucker.

1506. I work at Shenaniganz

1507. Blow me 'cause I'm an OG

1508. So get the fuck out my dome before I split yours

1509. I used to have spit wars and now I split whores in two

1510. I am the walrus Koo-koo-ka-choo

1511. - So back up, sonny - We got mad honeys

1512. - We make much money - And don't you dare laugh

1513. 'Cause this shit ain't funny

1514. Squeeze the trigger Now your head's all bloody

1515. - We got new rides - Now we'll flip the switches

1516. - No more dirty dishes - I'll steal people's wishes

1517. And clock mad digits

1518. Pump on a blot and have sex with hot midgets

1519. I love when your cunt is balder than Bruce Willis

1520. Nick and T-dog, motherfucker We the illest

1521. Peace out, bitch-ass motherfuckers.

1522. Get the fuck out of my fuckin' face.

1523. - Get the fuck out of my fuckin' face. - Bitch-ass motherfuckers.

1524. Oh, yeah!