1. Home sweet home.
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2. Thanks, Cochise.
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3. No, you fucking idiot!
I've worked at a restaurant my whole life.
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4. Shit! It gonna be that kind of a party.
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5. I'm gonna stick my dick
in the mashed potatoes!
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6. - Guess who. Hi, Dean. It's Mom.
- Ah, shit.
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7. I know you're not gonna
forget lunch with me,
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8. but I thought I'd call just to make sure.
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9. Oh, hey.
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10. I forgot you were here.
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11. Yeah, I know. I know.
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12. - What?
- Nothing.
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13. I'll see you at work, okay?
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14. Hey, there, Natasha.
How's my favorite minor doing today?
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15. Hung over. I got so shitty last night.
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16. On a school night?
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17. Kids today...
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18. I must say, there's nothing more attractive
than tainted youth.
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19. Yes. I am indeed a pervert.
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20. - Does that offend you?
- Nope.
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21. I think that most tainted youths
end up being perverts.
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22. Good answer.
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23. Oh, and Monty, just so you know,
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24. I'm only a minor for another week.
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25. I turn 18 on Wednesday.
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26. Well, then I guess I better hurry up then.
I don't have much time.
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27. - Hey, Dan.
- Hey, Monty.
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28. - How you doing?
- Good. This is Mitch. It's his first day.
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29. I want you to show him around.
Train him on everything while it's slow,
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30. and when the dinner rush hits,
we'll have him watch the training videos.
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31. Mitch, just listen to what Monty says today,
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32. and we'll have you out
on the floor by early next week.
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33. - Sound good?
- Yeah.
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34. All right then. Give him a quick tour
before your shift starts.
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35. Good stuff.
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36. Well, Mitch, first thing.
You ever worked in a restaurant before?
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37. - Actually, yeah...
- Well, it doesn't really matter anyway.
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38. Working in a restaurant's
all about learning a routine.
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39. Everything that Dan wants me
to show you, teach you,
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40. all that can be learned in a few hours.
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41. But...
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42. if you wanna work here,
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43. in this restaurant,
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44. I really think that you need to ask yourself
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45. one simple question.
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46. How do you feel about frontal male nudity?
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47. - What the heck...
- Pretty fucked up, huh?
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48. You see, the reason that I ask
is most of the guys that work here
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49. like to play this little game that involves
flashing their genitalia to each other.
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50. - Are you serious?
- Yes, I'm serious.
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51. Now, the exact object of the game
is to get the other participants
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52. to unknowingly
look at your testicles and/or penis.
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53. And if they do, you ridicule them
mercilessly for being a fag
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54. and get to kick them in the ass.
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55. - But that's...
- I know. I know.
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56. It's demented, depraved, senseless.
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57. All true.
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58. Now there are rules to the game,
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59. different variations on how to show
your dick and/or balls,
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60. which allow for more kicks.
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61. But we're gonna get into that later.
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62. Right now, the first thing
that you have to do
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63. is look deep inside yourself and figure out
if you can take an eyeful of that.
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64. So are you taking any interesting classes
this semester?
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65. Well, yeah. I'm only taking the two classes,
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66. but I like them both.
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67. I really like my teachers. Cool guys.
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68. Both have mustaches,
which is a little weird.
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69. - Well, that's just terrific.
- Yeah.
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70. - Guess who I ran into yesterday?
- Who's that?
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71. Nancy Miller and her son Chett.
You remember Chett Miller, don't you?
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72. Oh, yeah. I remember Chett. Yeah.
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73. - I haven't seen that guy since high school.
- Well, he was away at college.
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74. Right.
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75. Didn't you two have
all the same honors classes together?
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76. Yeah, we sure did.
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77. - Yeah, it sounds like he's doing really well.
- I'll bet.
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78. Seems he just graduated with a
bachelor's degree in electrical engineering.
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79. Wow! His parents must
really be proud, huh?
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80. Well, I'm gonna go.
Always love these get-togethers.
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81. I think we really broke through there.
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82. Let me tell you something.
My trainer, that bastard,
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83. he didn't pre-warn me at all.
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84. He set me up big time.
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85. - Right around that corner.
- Okay.
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86. Look at the log, bitch.
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87. There are few things
in this world more unsettling
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88. than going into the back
to grab condiments,
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89. and ending up staring
at a huge, steaming pile of cock.
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90. Hey, Serena.
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91. - Hey, babe.
- What's up, hangover?
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92. I'm not hung over.
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93. - Oh, you and Monty were crazy last night.
- Yeah, it was cool.
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94. How about you? You have a good time?
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95. I would've had a better time if somebody
hadn't been ignoring me all night.
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96. Was that me?
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97. Think Monty and I got a little carried away.
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98. - Oh, I swear, when you two are together...
- You're perverts! All of you.
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99. If you guys can go five minutes without
referencing your genitals, I'll be amazed.
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100. I know what you're thinking now.
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101. You think we're all gay, don't you?
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102. Think we're all just a bunch
of deviant lifestyle-living,
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103. same-sex having motherfuckers, am I right?
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104. - Yeah.
- Well, listen.
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105. You can put that faggoty baby
to bed right now.
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106. None of the guys that work here are gay.
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107. I mean, I'll stick my finger in my ass every
now and again when I'm feeling squirrelly,
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108. but that's about the extent of it.
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109. It's absolutely true. I've seen him do it.
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110. See what I mean? Perverts.
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111. Hey, I've seen you use more than a finger.
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112. - Oh!
- Bye, babe.
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113. - What's up, buddy?
- Nothing, man. What's going on?
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114. What? What?
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115. - What's wrong?
- I'll tell you later.
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116. Listen, man. You got nothing
to worry about. It's just a game.
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117. - Exactly.
- And besides, you know,
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118. if heterosexual men
can't show their cocks to each other,
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119. - then what the hell are we doing here?
- Amen, brother.
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120. You're adorable.
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121. Hey, Bishop. This is Mitch.
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122. He's the new guy.
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123. Mitch,
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124. I want you to do a couple things for me.
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125. First, I want you to observe very closely
your surroundings today.
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126. Take everything in.
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127. Leave no mental stone unturned.
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128. Can you do that for me, Mitch?
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129. Good.
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130. Then I want you think about
what your life would be like
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131. if you had been born blind.
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132. Thanks, Bishop.
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133. Go. Go, go, go, go, go.
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134. As you can see, this is a wait station.
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135. This is where you're gonna get the ice,
the soft drinks, the condiments,
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136. the doggie bags, etc., and so forth.
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137. That's the computer where you're gonna
put the food and drink orders in.
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138. I hate this fucking place
sometimes, you know.
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139. Why the fuck do we need four more people
on at this time of day, man?
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140. Look at this place! It's fucking dead.
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141. I swear, Dan needs to clean the shit
out of his fucking brain sometimes, man.
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142. Fucking asshole.
What are you looking at, fuckwad?
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143. That's Naomi.
And she's been working here way too long.
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144. But she's actually a pretty sweet girl
when she's drunk. Let's go.
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145. Come on, baby. It's nothing like that.
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146. It's true.
You just treat me like a piece of meat.
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147. Not just any piece of meat, baby.
A prime rib.
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148. - Really?
- Baby, you're oozing with sexuality.
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149. Yeah, but why does it always
have to be about my looks?
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150. I mean, just 'cause I dress slutty
doesn't mean I am slutty.
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151. Okay. This is for deliveries.
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152. There's the Dumpster for the trash.
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153. Also, if you wanna get out of the restaurant
and chill out for a second, here you go.
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154. And these two fun-loving pieces
of wannabe gangster shit
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155. are Nick and Theodore.
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156. How many fucking times I told you, man?
It's the fucking T-Dog, yo.
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157. - Sorry, G.
- Hey, yo, bitch.
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158. What makes you think I won't cut you?
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159. Come on, now, dog.
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160. You know I'm just fucking with you.
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161. You know I give you the mad,
phat, superfly, stupid-dope,
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162. dumb-ass, retarded, bomb-shit props.
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163. Yo, it's almost 4:20, dog. Let's go.
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164. Those guys should be sterilized.
And I'm not kidding at all.
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165. You don't talk much, do you, Mitch?
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166. - Actually, you haven't really given...
- That's okay.
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167. 'Cause I didn't talk much
when I first started working here either.
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168. You just gotta get used
to your surroundings.
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169. - What's up, Poncho?
- Hey, Raddimus. How you doing?
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170. Actually, more importantly,
how are you and Danielle doing?
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171. I saw that you guys were arguing, and...
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172. Shit, you know, it would be a shame
if you guys broke up.
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173. You two are really good together.
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174. Fuck off, okay. Even if we did break up,
you stand no chance in hell, man.
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175. She got this thing about dating grown men
who've had sex with 16-year-old girls.
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176. See, that's the problem with women, okay?
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177. They're always trying to
project their own values on you.
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178. Whatever. Anyway, look, this is Mitch.
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179. He just started today,
so I thought I'd give you the pleasure
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180. of explaining
the finer points of the game to him.
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181. Oh, virgin blood. Follow me.
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182. Come here. I wanna talk to you.
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183. Thanks, Raddimus. Be gentle.
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184. - There you go, Dean.
- Aw, thanks, Tyla. You rock.
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185. Yeah, Tyla, you're the coolest girl
in the whole school.
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186. Hey, man.
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187. Tyla, every time I look at you,
I wish I was a lesbian.
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188. Oh, what a coincidence.
Every time I look at you,
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189. - I'm glad I'm a lesbian.
- Ouch.
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190. Oh, hey, Christy. It's just Calvin calling.
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191. Just starting to work the double.
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192. You owe me.
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193. No, I was kidding.
You don't really owe me anything.
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194. So, I was just calling you,
'cause it's kind of dead here right now.
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195. So, I don't know...
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196. Give me a call back. I'm at work.
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197. Duh. Duh.
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198. Come on. Talk to me, goose.
What's wrong?
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199. Remember Chett Miller from high school?
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200. Tall guy, kind of smelled like my dad's ass?
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201. That's the one.
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202. My mother told me he graduated
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203. with his bachelor's degree
in electrical engineering.
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204. Yeah, so?
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205. Well, you know, we were in all
the same classes in high school.
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206. We're the same fucking age.
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207. Well, yeah. But electrical engineering?
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208. - Come on. Screw that noise.
- Yeah, but come on, man.
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209. We haven't even graduated
from community college.
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210. Haven't even got our A.A. degree.
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211. Then when we do, what? What the hell
can you do with an A.A. degree anyway?
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212. You can get a job substitute teaching
for retarded kids or something.
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213. Exactly.
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214. That's the dish area back there.
This is where you pick up the food.
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215. That's Floyd. Floyd!
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216. Welcome to Thunderdome, bitch.
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217. Okay, that's the dry area, man.
That's where we keep all the condiments.
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218. Right over here. This is the cooler.
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219. The milk and vegetables,
the marshmallows, whatever.
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220. Back here is the freezer.
You'll find the meat...
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221. Okay, so let me tell you
about this little game we play.
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222. I assume Monty went over
the basic idea with you, right?
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223. - Yeah, he...
- You know the object, right?
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224. To have the other guy look at you naked.
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225. Are you okay with that?
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226. What are you, some kind of a fucking sick,
demented pervert, huh?
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227. - No, no. I was... He told me.
- Come on, bro. I'm just fucking with you.
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228. Look, man, we're all sick. All right?
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229. Now, look. The main thing to remember
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230. is to get the other guy to unknowingly
look at your cock and balls.
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231. Okay, don't just fucking pull down
your pants and say, "Look at my dick!"
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232. You gotta be sneaky.
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233. I'm gonna go through
the positions with you.
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234. The first one's the easiest one, okay?
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235. Call that one "The Look." All right?
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236. All you gotta do, pull down your pants
real quick, show them the goods.
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237. If they look,
you get to kick them in the ass once.
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238. Second one is called "The Brain." Right?
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239. What you gotta do is isolate your nuts
with your fist.
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240. Okay, now, take the time to look at it, okay?
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241. Because it bears
a striking resemblance to...
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242. Aha. Brain. Yeah.
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243. Okay. For that you get two kicks.
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244. - So...
- The third one, I call it the "Bat Wing."
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245. Okay. What you do is you take
the excess skin from your nuts,
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246. and you take it and you make it flat
like paper, all right?
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247. Now, once again,
you take the time to appreciate this.
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248. You see that it looks all veiny and alive
like a bat wing, all right?
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249. If they look, they get three kicks, all right?
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250. But you can't forget this, all right?
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251. You gotta call them a fag, okay?
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252. Very important.
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253. The game loses its meaning
if you don't humiliate them
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254. for being a fucking meatcake. You got that?
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255. I just don't understand
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256. why your mom gives you
so much shit anyway.
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257. I don't know, man, you know.
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258. She's my mom.
She wants me to succeed in life.
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259. Yeah. Whatever the hell that means.
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260. Jesus, I'm just glad my mom's not like that.
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261. So I called your house today at 2:00.
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262. You were still asleep, weren't you?
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263. That's an understatement.
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264. So what did you do last night?
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265. I trust my little angel
didn't do anything immoral.
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266. Well, let's see.
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267. I started by getting completely
hammered drunk. It was bad.
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268. Then drove while intoxicated to pick up
this disease-infested prostitute.
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269. Uh-huh?
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270. From there, let's see.
Me and the hooker went back to my place...
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271. The hooker and I.
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272. Excuse me.
The hooker and I went back to my place.
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273. And from there...
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274. God, it was just a blur of intravenous
drug abuse and unprotected sex
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275. while taking the Lord's name in vain.
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276. Dean, did you know that
when Monty was a child,
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277. everyone thought he was retarded?
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278. Dean, doesn't my mom look old?
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279. I mean, like,
much older than she rightfully should?
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280. So why aren't you and Serena
still together? I liked her.
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281. I don't know. I guess it got old.
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282. We had a relationship based on orgasms.
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283. Oh, how charming.
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284. You are being safe, aren't you?
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285. I don't think I could handle
the idea of you reproducing.
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286. Come on, Mom. Of course I'm being safe.
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287. I pull out.
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288. Yes, well, your father pulled out too,
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289. but we've all seen
the tragic end of that story.
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290. You think I wanna have kids?
Absolutely not.
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291. That's why I stick to anal sex.
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292. If only I had been so lucky.
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293. Okay, so that's the Abraham Lincoln.
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294. But remember, you have to shave it
so it looks like his beard.
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295. Otherwise, it don't count.
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296. Now the last one.
The last one is called "The Goat."
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297. Okay, it's a bit trickier.
But if you can pull it off,
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298. you are a god among men, all right?
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299. What you do is you take
your nuts and your dick, right?
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300. And you tuck it underneath.
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301. Pull your pants down, show it, all right?
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302. With it sticking out the backside.
You got that?
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303. Okay, well, that just about covers
all the different variations that we have.
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304. But you know,
we're always looking for new positions.
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305. So next time you got a little downtime,
you find yourself a little bored,
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306. play with your nuts,
you know what I'm saying?
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307. See what you come up with, okay?
It's all good.
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308. All right. I really only have one thing
I wanna talk about today,
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309. and that's teamwork.
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310. When the dinner rush hits
and things start to get hectic,
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311. you all have a tendency to start
yelling and screaming at one another.
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312. That's just dumb and senseless, 'cause
you're only gonna be hurting yourselves.
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313. Let's think about it.
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314. If you upset the hostess,
she's not gonna seat you.
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315. If you upset the busboys,
they're not gonna care if your table's ready.
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316. If you upset the cooks,
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317. they're not gonna care
if your food's taking too long.
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318. - The brain!
- Ah, shit!
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319. Oh, the brain!
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320. I think you're all
great waiters and waitresses.
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321. And you should be able to rely on
one another when you're in the weeds.
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322. Remember, gang. The difference between
ordinary and extraordinary
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323. is that little extra.
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324. All right. That's all I have for you today.
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325. Let's have a great shift.
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326. Oh, push the fish. It's about to turn.
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327. That's it.
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328. - Dean, can I have a word with you?
- Sure.
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329. - Have a seat, Dean.
- Thanks, Dan.
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330. - How long you been a waiter?
- Since I was 18,
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331. so about four years.
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332. Wow. You don't wanna be
a waiter forever, do you?
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333. What do you mean?
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334. Carson got promoted to GM
over at Riverside,
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335. so we need a new assistant manager.
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336. I'd like to offer the job to you.
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337. - Are you serious?
- Heck, yeah, I'm serious.
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338. Now I'm not gonna lie to you.
The job comes with more responsibility,
Copy !req
339. but it offers a lot more rewards.
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340. You get full medical, dental,
two-weeks' paid vacation,
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341. and I might add, a hefty pay increase.
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342. - I do pretty well.
- Cool.
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343. It is cool.
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344. And let's not forget the power.
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345. - Right.
- Control.
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346. You tell people to do things,
and they have to do it,
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347. or they get in trouble.
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348. I mean, you're in the driver's seat here.
Your finger's on the button.
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349. - Think about it.
- Okay.
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350. Well.
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351. - Are you okay? If you're not interested...
- No, no, no.
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352. It's not that I'm not interested, I just...
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353. Sorry, Dan, just a lot of things...
Can I take a little while to think about it?
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354. Yeah. Oh, sure. Yeah, yeah.
I mean, take your time.
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355. Yeah, don't rush, you know.
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356. Talk about it next week
or something like that.
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357. - Cool. Thanks, Dan.
- Let me ask you something.
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358. - What's that?
- Why don't we hang out?
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359. - Oh. Like...
- Why don't we hang out more often?
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360. - We do at work.
- You and me.
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361. I was thinking to myself last night,
laying in bed, going,
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362. "Why don't Dean and I hang out?
We're practically the same guy."
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363. I sort of have a core group of friends.
You have your own friends and...
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364. You know what? You'd think I do. I don't.
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365. - Has anyone seen Dean?
- Oh, he's in the back talking to Dan.
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366. Yeah, you wanna know
what they're talking about?
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367. Dan wants to make Dean
assistant fucking manager.
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368. - Well, did he take the job?
- I don't know. I couldn't...
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369. He better fucking not have.
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370. Okay, whoa, whoa. Hold on.
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371. I gotta warn you. Take my car,
what do you think's gonna happen?
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372. - Yeah, I don't really think...
- Score.
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373. Okay.
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374. God.
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375. Hey, so what was that about?
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376. Nothing important. Just bullshit.
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377. What?
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378. Hey, there, folks.
My name's Dean. I'll be your waiter today.
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379. Can get you something to drink
while you're looking at the menus?
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380. Hi, there, guys. My name is Serena,
and I'll be taking care of you today.
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381. Hey, there, ladies. Hi, my name is Amy,
and I'll be your waitress today.
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382. Is there anything I can get you to drink
while you're looking at the menus?
Copy !req
383. Yeah, I want a single shot of whiskey
and a double-shot of whiskey,
Copy !req
384. and she'll have a water.
Copy !req
385. You know, what the hell?
It's our anniversary.
Copy !req
386. Why don't you bring her a Pepsi?
Copy !req
387. You'll be taking care of us?
Copy !req
388. I like the sound of that.
Copy !req
389. I like that.
Copy !req
390. Okay, I don't mean to be a bitch,
Copy !req
391. but the last four times we've come here,
the food was awful.
Copy !req
392. Well, I apologize for the food
the last few times,
Copy !req
393. and we will certainly do our best
to make sure that doesn't happen again.
Copy !req
394. Yeah, that's what the last waitress said.
Copy !req
395. Can I get an extra side of blue cheese?
Copy !req
396. Sir, yes, sir.
Copy !req
397. Right. Blue cheese for you, stat.
Copy !req
398. - Have a good day, big guy.
- Thanks.
Copy !req
399. Assistant Manager Jackoff.
Copy !req
400. Come on, you worthless dick.
Copy !req
401. Just pee.
Copy !req
402. Fuck.
Copy !req
403. I'll try the other hand maybe.
Copy !req
404. God damn it.
Copy !req
405. I can't believe you would do that to me.
Copy !req
406. No, that's it. Do not... Do not call me back.
Copy !req
407. Hey. Are you okay?
Copy !req
408. I'm about this close
to swearing off men altogether.
Copy !req
409. Let me get you another drink.
Copy !req
410. All right,
see what Serena's doing right there?
Copy !req
411. - She's baiting those poor saps.
- I love Patrick Swayze.
Copy !req
412. - Do you?
- Yeah, you kind of remind me of him.
Copy !req
413. I guarantee you
they're gonna leave her a fat tip.
Copy !req
414. Women, they're so fucking wily.
Copy !req
415. Oh, but poor Amy. She's a different story.
Copy !req
416. She was D.O.A. from the very beginning.
Copy !req
417. And by extra lemon we mean enough
for our waters and then some more.
Copy !req
418. Look at the scowl on that woman's face.
Copy !req
419. - It's all my fault.
- That would be lovely.
Copy !req
420. - Thank you.
- Thank you so much.
Copy !req
421. - Don't worry.
- You are too kind.
Copy !req
422. She'll be lucky to get 10%.
Copy !req
423. I'm surprised you didn't
give those guys a lap dance.
Copy !req
424. Oh, what's that, jealousy?
Copy !req
425. - Women troubles, Amy?
- I just don't understand
Copy !req
426. what would compel a person
to be such a bitch to a total stranger.
Copy !req
427. - Maybe she was abused as a child.
- Oh, God. I fucking hope so.
Copy !req
428. Oh, man. You look really pissed.
Copy !req
429. - You really are an asshole.
- Shenaniganz.
Copy !req
430. - Fuck you.
- He has a shy bladder.
Copy !req
431. - So is there...
- Mitch, go in the back, check out the cooks.
Copy !req
432. I'll be there in a few minutes, okay?
Copy !req
433. So, what do you think of Natasha?
Copy !req
434. - I think she's illegal.
- Yeah. I've made peace with that.
Copy !req
435. Seriously, look at her.
You know she has that Scooby-Doo tongue.
Copy !req
436. Statutory rape.
Copy !req
437. On the other hand,
maybe she is too young.
Copy !req
438. Like that's ever stopped you before.
Copy !req
439. That is a very, very good point.
Copy !req
440. And I'm convinced Natasha will be mine.
Thanks for the advice, buddy.
Copy !req
441. - Hey, anytime.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
442. - What's going on with you and Amy?
- What's up, Obsession?
Copy !req
443. - Shut up.
- So how long have you two been...
Copy !req
444. - Three months. Shit or get off the pot time.
- Yep.
Copy !req
445. - Has he even hinted that he's aware of it?
- No, he's acting oblivious.
Copy !req
446. Are you gonna talk to her or hope you're
never forced to make an actual decision?
Copy !req
447. - I'm going with option B.
- That's my boy.
Copy !req
448. - Have you talked to him about it?
- No. I'm playing hard to get.
Copy !req
449. Oh, but haven't you slept with him
the past five nights?
Copy !req
450. Well, not real hard to get.
Copy !req
451. She really is a little badass though.
And fun to hang out with. Laid back.
Copy !req
452. Maintenance fees are really low. I like that.
Copy !req
453. Yeah, she's a cool chick. I'd do her.
Hell, I'd probably even pay.
Copy !req
454. I would.
Copy !req
455. I don't know, man.
I'm not even thinking about Amy right now.
Copy !req
456. - Who are you thinking about?
- Chett Miller.
Copy !req
457. Come on, man! You're wracked with regret
Copy !req
458. just because some old fuck-boy
classmate graduated college?
Copy !req
459. Are you gonna take
the assistant manager job?
Copy !req
460. Wait. How the hell do you know about that?
Copy !req
461. Are you fucking kidding me?
You know this place.
Copy !req
462. People with the day off already know.
Copy !req
463. Half of me is like, "Take the job." I could
really use the money. It's a smart move.
Copy !req
464. But the other half's like,
"Am I fucking nuts?
Copy !req
465. "Do I really wanna end up like Dan?"
Copy !req
466. Busted.
Copy !req
467. Hey, Rocco? It's Dan down at Shenaniganz.
Copy !req
468. Got another one for you.
Copy !req
469. All right.
Copy !req
470. Not on my watch.
Copy !req
471. And there you go, folks.
Copy !req
472. Damn, boy. What the hell took so long?
Copy !req
473. Well, you had the two well-done steaks,
Copy !req
474. so it usually takes a little while to cook.
Copy !req
475. Yeah, well,
could you get me some more ketchup?
Copy !req
476. Sure. No problem.
Copy !req
477. Nothing sets off the flavor
of a steak like some ketchup.
Copy !req
478. And his mouth tasted just like buttermilk.
Copy !req
479. Hey, Monty?
Could you drop off my food, please?
Copy !req
480. I can't deal with that bitch anymore.
Copy !req
481. No problem.
Copy !req
482. It's go time, Mitch.
Copy !req
483. Hey, there, ladies.
Copy !req
484. Amy's busy, so I thought
I'd bring your food out for you.
Copy !req
485. But I still have some salad left.
Copy !req
486. Oh, well, would you like me
to take the food back
Copy !req
487. and bring it out in a few minutes?
Copy !req
488. Yeah, and let it dry out
under the heat lamps?
Copy !req
489. Just give me the food.
Copy !req
490. Okay. There you go.
Copy !req
491. Wait. Did that waitress
listen to a word I said?
Copy !req
492. This steak is medium-rare.
Copy !req
493. I asked for it medium.
Copy !req
494. And I wanted extra gravy
on my mashed potatoes.
Copy !req
495. Let me ask you something.
How hard is your job?
Copy !req
496. How intelligent do you have to be
to take a food order?
Copy !req
497. - Jesus!
- Ma'am.
Copy !req
498. Ma'am, you're absolutely right,
and I apologize.
Copy !req
499. I'm gonna get this fixed for you right away.
Copy !req
500. Good. Now I can finish my salad.
Copy !req
501. Okay.
Copy !req
502. Gentlemen, we have our first
official bee-atch of the day.
Copy !req
503. Oh, come on, guys.
She wasn't that bad, was she?
Copy !req
504. Well, Amy, it's your table. You decide.
Copy !req
505. She was a fucking bitch! Do it.
Copy !req
506. Yo, we need to get
some fucking hydroponics
Copy !req
507. so we can grow our own shit, yo.
Copy !req
508. Hells, yes. Soon as we get the hydro,
we can run this city like the fucking mob.
Copy !req
509. I swear, we gotta grow it, smoke it, sell it.
We'd be a fucking pimp.
Copy !req
510. Yo, and you know the bitches
be loving that shit.
Copy !req
511. We'll get more fucking puss
than Busta, more than Dre,
Copy !req
512. more than fucking Snoop Dogg.
Copy !req
513. So it's on then?
We're getting the fucking hydro.
Copy !req
514. We're gonna run this city
like the motherfucking mob.
Copy !req
515. The first thing we do is add a little
extra gravy to the mashed potato.
Copy !req
516. Ah, that's it. Good job, buddy. Nice one.
Copy !req
517. Followed by a thin spread
of cheese for your garlic bread.
Copy !req
518. - Some "fromunda" cheese.
- Yeah, make us proud.
Copy !req
519. Fresh from the taint. We like this. Good.
Copy !req
520. Up next, what we're gonna do...
Copy !req
521. How about a little guacamole for the steak?
Copy !req
522. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing?
Copy !req
523. Come on, man. You can't be mixing
Mexican and Continental.
Copy !req
524. Come on, man.
I thought you was better than that.
Copy !req
525. All right. How about a little garlic salt?
Copy !req
526. That's what I'm talking about.
Finesse, baby!
Copy !req
527. These guys have
a deep commitment to their job.
Copy !req
528. Finally, a garnish of alfalfa sprouts.
Copy !req
529. Adds a touch of...
Copy !req
530. Touch of class to any meal.
Copy !req
531. There we go.
Copy !req
532. Oh, God.
Copy !req
533. Good stuff.
Copy !req
534. I'll pull out my motherfucking shotty.
Copy !req
535. Pull up like John Gotti.
Copy !req
536. I'll have the motherfucker on the carpet.
I fucked that bitch!
Copy !req
537. Hell, yeah, motherfucker. We be down...
Copy !req
538. Okay, Nicholas, Theodore. Boys.
Copy !req
539. It doesn't take 10 minutes
to take out the trash.
Copy !req
540. Now, if you don't get your asses out front
and start doing some work,
Copy !req
541. I'm gonna fire you faster than you can say,
"Yo, MTV Raps."
Copy !req
542. - Yes, sir.
- I'm sorry?
Copy !req
543. - Yes, sir.
- Yes, sir.
Copy !req
544. Hey, Rocco.
Copy !req
545. Yeah, right there.
Copy !req
546. Here you go, ma'am.
Copy !req
547. I had the chefs take
extra special care of it for you.
Copy !req
548. I'm truly sorry for the inconvenience.
Copy !req
549. You know, we should probably feel guilty,
but she broke the cardinal rule,
Copy !req
550. "Don't fuck with people
that handle your food."
Copy !req
551. All right. How you guys doing?
Everything prepared okay?
Copy !req
552. Could be better. It'll do.
Copy !req
553. I'm sorry.
Is there anything I can do to make it better?
Copy !req
554. Yeah, get me an extra roll.
Copy !req
555. And bring me the check.
Copy !req
556. Sure.
Copy !req
557. No problem.
Copy !req
558. And I'm gonna sing
that bitch a fucking 187.
Copy !req
559. All right then, Calvin.
Copy !req
560. Just relax and start at the beginning.
Copy !req
561. Okay.
Copy !req
562. About three months ago,
Copy !req
563. I just finished my shift,
and I really had to take a piss.
Copy !req
564. So, I go into the bathroom.
Copy !req
565. And I'm at the urinal,
just waiting for the flow,
Copy !req
566. minding my own business.
Copy !req
567. When I notice out of my peripheral vision,
Copy !req
568. the guy standing next to me
was looking straight at my dick.
Copy !req
569. He's just staring at it like they're old pals.
Copy !req
570. I could practically hear
what he was thinking.
Copy !req
571. "Whoa. That's a nice dick."
Copy !req
572. And that's it.
Copy !req
573. Since that time, I haven't been able
to use a public bathroom.
Copy !req
574. Goodness.
Copy !req
575. And the next time I tried to take a leak,
I could've sworn
Copy !req
576. the guy standing next to me
was staring at me, and I freaked.
Copy !req
577. Quit staring at my dick!
Copy !req
578. In retrospect,
I think I might've been mistaken.
Copy !req
579. What about the stall?
Copy !req
580. No, it didn't work either.
Copy !req
581. Every time I go to take a piss,
Copy !req
582. I get the image
of that guy's eyes on my shank.
Copy !req
583. And then that's when
I start hearing the voices.
Copy !req
584. Voices?
Copy !req
585. I get this paranoid feeling
there are people outside the stall,
Copy !req
586. and they know I'm having
a difficult time taking a piss.
Copy !req
587. I can hear them saying,
"What's taking him so long?
Copy !req
588. "Why can't he just piss
like a normal person?
Copy !req
589. "I don't hear any pee!"
Copy !req
590. I'm really fucked up.
Copy !req
591. Psychosomatic auditory hallucinations.
Copy !req
592. Most people have to pay for such a thing.
Copy !req
593. So what the hell should I do?
Copy !req
594. Well, first,
Copy !req
595. you need to think about how this problem
affects other parts of your personality.
Copy !req
596. - Oh.
- See, I recommend...
Copy !req
597. Oh, bro, that ain't right, man.
Copy !req
598. - Take a look at the bat wing, bitch!
- Oh, it's so veiny.
Copy !req
599. Damn, Raddimus.
Copy !req
600. Does Danielle know that you like
to go both ways? How does that work?
Copy !req
601. Sweet victory.
Copy !req
602. Good job, asshole.
Copy !req
603. I'm sorry. Go ahead.
Copy !req
604. Hello, sir. My name is Monty.
This is my trainee, Mitch.
Copy !req
605. - How are you doing today?
- Oh, I'm slipping gradually into senility.
Copy !req
606. Really? Do you consider that
a good thing or a bad thing?
Copy !req
607. Well, it's a mixed bag.
Copy !req
608. It's good in the sense that
I can take walks in my underwear.
Copy !req
609. I can give small children the middle finger.
Copy !req
610. But as long as I look happy
while I'm doing it,
Copy !req
611. people just assume I'm senile.
Copy !req
612. Yeah, so what's the bad?
Copy !req
613. Well, sometimes I give
small children the middle finger
Copy !req
614. and don't realize I'm doing it
until someone slaps me.
Copy !req
615. So I really am going senile.
Copy !req
616. Alzheimer's can't be all bad.
Copy !req
617. You get a chance
to meet new people every day.
Copy !req
618. - I like you, Monty.
- I like you too, sir.
Copy !req
619. I like you too, Monty.
Copy !req
620. So what could I get you to drink?
Copy !req
621. I trust you.
Copy !req
622. You know what? You can count on me, sir.
Copy !req
623. I don't even care if he gives me a poor tip,
Copy !req
624. that is the coolest old man
I've met in my entire life.
Copy !req
625. - How's your table?
- Couple of hicks.
Copy !req
626. - Yikes.
- Yeah, but the check total's $63,
Copy !req
627. so even if they tip 15%
I should make 10 bucks.
Copy !req
628. You're a bastard.
So far I've made 15% of jack shit.
Copy !req
629. Jesus.
Copy !req
630. There you go, buddy. It's all you.
Copy !req
631. Thanks a lot. We'll see you next time.
Copy !req
632. How much did they leave you?
Copy !req
633. $1.91?
Copy !req
634. No fucking way.
Copy !req
635. Excuse me, sir. You forgot your change.
Copy !req
636. No. That's for you. That's your tip.
Copy !req
637. Oh, no, no, no. I insist. You take it.
Copy !req
638. You obviously need this more than I do.
Copy !req
639. I wanna speak to
your manager now, please.
Copy !req
640. This is horse shit.
Copy !req
641. Okay, Mitch, you see what Dean did there?
Copy !req
642. Don't ever do that.
Copy !req
643. - What, did he stiff you?
- He might as fucking well have.
Copy !req
644. Two bucks on a $63 check.
Copy !req
645. Oh, damn. That is pretty shitty.
Copy !req
646. For insulting me I should get some free
gift certificates and a key chain and a hat!
Copy !req
647. Absolutely, sir. Yes.
Copy !req
648. And how about a couple of sundaes
with some nuts on them?
Copy !req
649. Yes. Yeah, I will have Natasha
take down all your information,
Copy !req
650. and I will make sure corporate
sends those out to you.
Copy !req
651. You're gonna mail me a sundae?
I want it now, God damn it!
Copy !req
652. Get in here.
Copy !req
653. You wanna explain to me
what the heck you were thinking out there?
Copy !req
654. Insulting a customer like that?
Copy !req
655. You're right. I know. I know. He just...
Copy !req
656. I'm having a really bad day, Dan,
Copy !req
657. and that guy caught me
at the worst possible moment.
Copy !req
658. - I'm sorry. I lost it.
- You're sorry?
Copy !req
659. I don't understand.
I've never gotten a complaint on you.
Copy !req
660. And you had to pick the day
I offer you a promotion?
Copy !req
661. I promise you it won't happen again, okay?
Copy !req
662. Opportunity is knocking at the door.
If you don't wanna answer it, fine.
Copy !req
663. There are people
who would jump at the chance.
Copy !req
664. Calvin is chomping at the bit for this job!
Copy !req
665. I am offering you an opportunity to take it
to the next level, earn more money.
Copy !req
666. And you need to decide if you're ready
to take it to the next level yourself!
Copy !req
667. I want an answer
by the end of your shift tonight!
Copy !req
668. And, Dean, this is an exploding offer.
Copy !req
669. I don't work within
the exact boundaries of the law,
Copy !req
670. because I wasn't consulted
when the goddamn laws were made.
Copy !req
671. No, instead, nameless, faceless politicians,
Copy !req
672. the so-called
protectors of the moral majority
Copy !req
673. decide what is right and what is wrong.
Copy !req
674. I mean, come on!
Copy !req
675. I govern my life
around my own personal code of ethics,
Copy !req
676. and I suggest you do the same.
Copy !req
677. That way if,
within the constructs of my own morality,
Copy !req
678. I were to do something
that was considered illegal, so be it.
Copy !req
679. I feel no guilt whatsoever.
Copy !req
680. And furthermore, if I were to buckle
under the social weight of the system
Copy !req
681. by adhering to laws
that I do not truly believe in,
Copy !req
682. then I would be extinguishing
the very fire of patriotism and individuality.
Copy !req
683. It's... It's so...
Copy !req
684. In a sense,
Copy !req
685. by having sex with Natasha,
Copy !req
686. I'd be preserving the rights
our forefathers fought and died for, right?
Copy !req
687. - Well, I guess...
- Bro, it was a rhetorical question.
Copy !req
688. Okay? So...
Copy !req
689. Oh, hey, Dean. I heard Dan yelling at you.
It was kind of crazy.
Copy !req
690. You think you're still in the running
for the assistant manager?
Copy !req
691. Did you ever just wake up and realize,
"Holy shit. I'm a fucking loser"?
Copy !req
692. Yeah, man.
Copy !req
693. God, I just wanna be able to say,
"I wanna be a teacher," you know,
Copy !req
694. or a podiatrist
or a fucking electrical engineer.
Copy !req
695. Anything! Just have a fucking clue!
Copy !req
696. Hey, who has a clue, right?
Copy !req
697. Hey, I don't. Hello?
I don't know what's going on.
Copy !req
698. Hey, could you put down the ice pick?
Copy !req
699. - Sorry you had to hear that guy yell.
- Oh, it's okay.
Copy !req
700. You shouldn't have to be subjected to that.
Copy !req
701. You're way too sweet.
Copy !req
702. - Way too cute, too.
- Stop it. You're gonna make me blush.
Copy !req
703. Bet you drive the boys wild at your school.
Copy !req
704. Maybe. I don't really like
the boys at my school.
Copy !req
705. No? Why?
Copy !req
706. I prefer older men.
Copy !req
707. Really? Wow.
Copy !req
708. I like a man in power.
Copy !req
709. Yeah, well, being a manager,
obviously, I know what you mean.
Copy !req
710. It takes a lot of power to command
the respect of everybody at the restaurant.
Copy !req
711. - That's true.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
712. We should go to dinner sometime
and talk about it.
Copy !req
713. I'll bring my manager card,
and we'll just eat for free.
Copy !req
714. As they say, membership has its privileges.
Copy !req
715. What's up with you?
What are you still doing here, man?
Copy !req
716. Christy asked me to work for her,
so I'm working a double.
Copy !req
717. Time-out.
Isn't this your only night off this week?
Copy !req
718. Yeah.
Copy !req
719. And you're using it to work
a double-shift for Christy?
Copy !req
720. Wait. You actually have to get the pussy
before you can be whipped by it.
Copy !req
721. - That's right.
- You guys suck.
Copy !req
722. Yes, we do.
Copy !req
723. Wait. Didn't you take out Christy last night?
Copy !req
724. - Yeah, we went out last night.
- Come on, man! Details!
Copy !req
725. No. Fuck the details. I wanna know.
Did you do it? Did you make a move?
Copy !req
726. - What do you mean?
- Don't give me that shit. You know.
Copy !req
727. - Did you kiss her? Rub against her skin?
- Cuddle with her? Rub her leg?
Copy !req
728. - Hold her hand?
- Nipple tweak? Anything?
Copy !req
729. - No, I'm still...
- Oh, my God!
Copy !req
730. I need more time.
Copy !req
731. - Forget it. It's over. You're fucked.
- Not literally.
Copy !req
732. - Why? Because you won't pull the trigger.
- And you're too fucking nice!
Copy !req
733. Why do you always say that? I'm not...
Copy !req
734. - What happens with every girl you like?
- Nothing!
Copy !req
735. You take them out, you pay for everything,
and you never make a move!
Copy !req
736. Then you go home, alone, to masturbate
while you cry, using your own tears as...
Copy !req
737. That was once, and I was drunk,
and it was Valentine's Day. So back off.
Copy !req
738. Don't try to candy coat it.
All we ever do is hang out and have sex.
Copy !req
739. What are you talking about? Didn't I
take you to the movies last week, huh?
Copy !req
740. Yeah, but you kept trying
to get me to jerk you off.
Copy !req
741. What do you want? It was a dull movie.
Copy !req
742. Yeah, but I just get the feeling
that you don't care.
Copy !req
743. I don't care? I don't care?
Copy !req
744. When my uncle died, didn't I ask you
to be by my side at the funeral?
Copy !req
745. Yeah, but you kept trying
to get me to jerk you off.
Copy !req
746. How many times can we have
the same exact conversation?
Copy !req
747. It's like we're stuck in a time paradox
Copy !req
748. where neither our wisdom
nor your virginity will ever escape.
Copy !req
749. I attempt to make a move.
Copy !req
750. I get in close. I'm there and I just get...
Copy !req
751. Fuck!
Copy !req
752. - You need therapy.
- Hush, now.
Copy !req
753. The way I see it, with chicks,
Copy !req
754. there's really only two possible things
that could happen.
Copy !req
755. Either they won't sleep with you,
Copy !req
756. and then there's
no need to call them again,
Copy !req
757. or they do sleep with you, and then
there's no need to call them again.
Copy !req
758. This is what I don't get. How can someone
be such a complete asshole all the time
Copy !req
759. and get as many women as you do?
Copy !req
760. That's a good question.
Copy !req
761. - Amy! Serena! Calvin needs our help.
- No.
Copy !req
762. - No, I don't need help.
- Shh, shh.
Copy !req
763. Women like assholes, am I right?
Copy !req
764. - Well, I agree that you're an asshole.
- Okay.
Copy !req
765. "A", fuck you.
"B", just answer the question.
Copy !req
766. Well, okay. Girls like assholes, not women.
Copy !req
767. What women are attracted to
is self-confidence.
Copy !req
768. Yes, and we absolutely
fucking hate insecurity.
Copy !req
769. Yes! The more insecure you are,
the more you ask, "Is something wrong?"
Copy !req
770. - "Is everything okay?"
- "What are you thinking about?"
Copy !req
771. "What's wrong?"
And the more you do that, Calvin,
Copy !req
772. the more it becomes
this self-fulfilling prophecy.
Copy !req
773. You just need to relax
and not worry so much. Okay?
Copy !req
774. Calvin.
Copy !req
775. Yeah. That makes a lot of sense.
Copy !req
776. - I'm gonna work on it.
- Yeah. Yeah, you do that.
Copy !req
777. And by the way, take whatever advice
that she gives you with a big grain of salt.
Copy !req
778. Yeah, and take anything that he gives you
with a shot of penicillin.
Copy !req
779. Seriously, Calvin, do yourself a favor.
Copy !req
780. Unless you're combing the playground
for middle schoolers,
Copy !req
781. don't become an asshole like Monty.
Copy !req
782. Correct me if I'm wrong,
but haven't I been inside you?
Copy !req
783. - Oh, Monty.
- Oh, me.
Copy !req
784. You wanna brag about your sexual
conquests, you big stud, you?
Copy !req
785. Okay, you know what? Fine.
Let's talk about it.
Copy !req
786. Let me describe Monty's
amazing sexual prowess.
Copy !req
787. He'd barrel into me with that
pathetic excuse for a child's penis.
Copy !req
788. And it would end so quickly, so abruptly,
Copy !req
789. I wouldn't even have time to feel any sort of
Copy !req
790. morbid, accidental amusement
towards his "technique,"
Copy !req
791. which was basically him
seizuring on top of me
Copy !req
792. for, oh, about 45 seconds,
Copy !req
793. while I laid there trying not to laugh or cry.
Copy !req
794. Ouch.
Copy !req
795. Is it any wonder why you still date girls
in high school?
Copy !req
796. They're the only ones left.
They don't know any better.
Copy !req
797. Okay, okay. All right.
Copy !req
798. First of all, for the record,
Copy !req
799. I always had an orgasm when we had sex.
Copy !req
800. Secondly, everybody knows
that I'm orally fixated.
Copy !req
801. You can't deny that I played your vagina
like a violin.
Copy !req
802. Oh! As if that somehow negates the fact
that once we got past foreplay,
Copy !req
803. you turned into the little engine
that couldn't hold his load.
Copy !req
804. Oh, what the fuck ever!
Copy !req
805. If I was that bad, then why were you
at my house every night?
Copy !req
806. All I had to do was call and say,
"Hey. I'm horny."
Copy !req
807. And then fucking poof!
Copy !req
808. As if by some form of slut magic,
you'd appear. Now why is that?
Copy !req
809. Because at first,
I really liked spending time with you.
Copy !req
810. I thought you were a genuinely
interesting guy to be around.
Copy !req
811. Very true.
Copy !req
812. But eventually, it all wore thin.
I realized that your personality
Copy !req
813. was just one short
punctuated joke after another,
Copy !req
814. much like our sex life.
Copy !req
815. And, oh, Monty, do you remember
why we stopped dating?
Copy !req
816. Yeah, I do. Because you were old news.
Copy !req
817. I was looking at other girls
and getting bored.
Copy !req
818. Basically, that was why.
Copy !req
819. Yeah, yeah. All that.
Copy !req
820. And the fact that I dumped you.
Copy !req
821. - Wait, I thought you said you dumped...
- Shut up, Calvin.
Copy !req
822. I was just trying to let you down easy,
but this is bullshit.
Copy !req
823. Because we both know that you enjoyed
having sex with me.
Copy !req
824. The only real pleasure I ever got
from having sex with you
Copy !req
825. came from making fun of it
later with my friends.
Copy !req
826. - Tell him, Amy.
- It's true. We laughed a lot at your expense.
Copy !req
827. So you know when you're walking past
a group of people, you hear them laughing,
Copy !req
828. you sometimes get
that paranoid self-conscious feeling?
Copy !req
829. Maybe they're laughing about you
when they're really not?
Copy !req
830. Well, in your case, they really are.
Copy !req
831. God, I love her.
Copy !req
832. Oh, hello there.
Copy !req
833. Thank you for joining our family
at Shenaniganz bar and grill.
Copy !req
834. It is our goal to maintain the absolute
highest standard in all aspects...
Copy !req
835. Hey, man. We all had to watch it.
Copy !req
836. I'm gonna come back and get you
after the dinner rush.
Copy !req
837. The tape should be done then.
Copy !req
838. Cool?
Copy !req
839. Well, I mean, I guess. I...
Copy !req
840. of our most sacred company policies
Copy !req
841. to ensure that you have
all the skills necessary
Copy !req
842. - to uphold our standard of excellence.
- Shit.
Copy !req
843. Are you ready? Well, okay. Follow me.
Copy !req
844. All right, men. This is it.
Copy !req
845. The time has come. Remember,
product pride. Portion consciousness.
Copy !req
846. Zero hour is upon us.
Copy !req
847. Let us seize the day!
Copy !req
848. Yeah, yeah! Carpe deez nuts.
Copy !req
849. God, I can't wait to quit this job!
Copy !req
850. Okay, your waiter will be right with you.
Copy !req
851. Hi there, folks. What can I get you to drink?
Copy !req
852. Would you like to start with an appetizer?
Copy !req
853. Would you like a baked potato,
French fries or rice pilaf?
Copy !req
854. - Order up!
- Is everything prepared okay?
Copy !req
855. - How about some dessert?
- And here you go, folks.
Copy !req
856. I hope you enjoyed everything.
I know I did.
Copy !req
857. - Fuck!
- The five-second rule! The five-second rule!
Copy !req
858. One, two, three,
Copy !req
859. four, five.
Copy !req
860. A little floor spice makes everything nice.
There you go.
Copy !req
861. Damn, man. We almost had to switch
to the 10-second rule.
Copy !req
862. You green snot-beard faggot!
Copy !req
863. Fuck you!
Copy !req
864. - Oh, no.
- Hang on. I only have a small order.
Copy !req
865. - I have to put in an appetizer. God damn it.
- Chill the fuck out!
Copy !req
866. Well, hurry up.
Copy !req
867. Okay, hey, gang. Listen up.
Copy !req
868. Let's get out there, take care of our guests.
Copy !req
869. I know it's getting crazy, but we can do it.
We can do it.
Copy !req
870. Let's put that extra, just that little extra,
back in extraordinary.
Copy !req
871. Okay. There's no "me" in "team."
Copy !req
872. Yeah.
Copy !req
873. Hey, guys.
Which one of these is medium-rare?
Copy !req
874. Shoot. Let's just...
Copy !req
875. God damn it!
Copy !req
876. Please.
Copy !req
877. Let me do it.
Copy !req
878. All right, you two, let's go.
Copy !req
879. Hurry up, or your asses are fired!
Copy !req
880. So remember, find the solution
before there's a problem.
Copy !req
881. Now let's go take a look at our problem
back in the kitchen.
Copy !req
882. Come on, guys. This is bull crap.
Copy !req
883. Where the hell's my chicken sandwich?
Copy !req
884. Fuck you, bitch!
Copy !req
885. What the hell did I do to you, Floyd?
Copy !req
886. Okay, that's hardly sanitary.
Copy !req
887. Hey, Dan. I have a table that needs to...
Copy !req
888. Trying to get a feel for the whole
manager thing. You caught me.
Copy !req
889. Do you think you could
get a feel for it outside?
Copy !req
890. I need some fresh air.
Copy !req
891. Hey, hey, Christy. It's Calvin again. I...
Copy !req
892. Just calling again.
Just checking in or whatever.
Copy !req
893. Called before a few times.
Maybe you didn't...
Copy !req
894. I got all my bars.
Copy !req
895. So anyway, it's getting kind of busy.
Copy !req
896. But I'm never too busy to call you.
Copy !req
897. So call me back.
You know the number. Okay. Bye.
Copy !req
898. Fuck.
Copy !req
899. So is everything okay?
Is something wrong?
Copy !req
900. Are you mad?
Copy !req
901. - Dean?
- Yeah?
Copy !req
902. Something bad happens
when you become a manager.
Copy !req
903. You put on your fucking tie,
Copy !req
904. and you get
your fucking little manager card,
Copy !req
905. and you think you're so fucking cool
because you write the schedule
Copy !req
906. and tell us what to do!
Copy !req
907. When in reality, you know
you're not even worth a bit of bullshit!
Copy !req
908. Whoa, Naomi!
Copy !req
909. Relax.
Copy !req
910. Relax, woman.
Copy !req
911. I guess if you become manager, you won't
be able to date any of the waitresses.
Copy !req
912. While working here, you'll probably find
some of your fellow employees attractive.
Copy !req
913. It's okay. There's nothing wrong with that.
Copy !req
914. But it's important
not to act on those urges.
Copy !req
915. For Shenaniganz to run like an efficient,
well-oiled machine,
Copy !req
916. it's a must that everyone act as a team.
Copy !req
917. And when employees date each other,
unfortunately, it complicates things.
Copy !req
918. So for that reason
Copy !req
919. we strongly discourage
such relationships from forming.
Copy !req
920. - Dean, Amy, I just sat you.
- Oh, shit. What do we got?
Copy !req
921. Well, yours are cool.
They look like business people.
Copy !req
922. - All right.
- What about mine?
Copy !req
923. I don't know. They don't speak English.
Copy !req
924. - Foreigners!
- I'm sorry.
Copy !req
925. - Are you mad at me?
- No, I swear. I'm just going by the rotation.
Copy !req
926. I fucking hate foreigners! It's such bullshit!
Copy !req
927. Like they don't know how to tip?
Oh, they know.
Copy !req
928. Yeah, they fucking know.
Copy !req
929. All right. It's time to show the goat.
Copy !req
930. You could cut through shoes if you had to.
I mean...
Copy !req
931. What are you doing, man?
Copy !req
932. Frontline stuff. Watch this. Watch this.
Copy !req
933. We have just been cutting things
90 to nothing.
Copy !req
934. And the cooks,
they just love it because every time...
Copy !req
935. Hey, there, folks. My name is Amy,
and I'll be taking care of you.
Copy !req
936. - Sir, what can I get for you?
- I'd like a New York strip, mid-rare,
Copy !req
937. and a baked potato
with sour cream and chives only.
Copy !req
938. And... Hey.
You're not writing any of this down.
Copy !req
939. Oh. Steel-trap.
Copy !req
940. You got the baby back ribs with fries,
Copy !req
941. you got the Mandingo chicken with rice
and a salad with a side of blue cheese.
Copy !req
942. I respect the lactose intolerance.
Copy !req
943. Okay. Okay, you're good.
Copy !req
944. Haley is so fucking fine,
Copy !req
945. you know I be all up in that shit.
Give her the bowling ball grip.
Copy !req
946. Two in the pink, one in the stink.
Copy !req
947. You guys are so one-dimensional.
Copy !req
948. Well, fuck you, whitey.
Copy !req
949. I just sat you. You're gonna love them.
Copy !req
950. Hey, there, ladies. My name is Monty.
Copy !req
951. Hey, Floyd, make sure there's no bacon
on that chef salad. It's against her religion.
Copy !req
952. - All right?
- Yes, master. Right away, master.
Copy !req
953. Ain't gonna be no bacon
on the salad, master.
Copy !req
954. No bacon. Oh, no, no.
Oh, no, no. Please. Oh.
Copy !req
955. Oh, no.
Copy !req
956. So, is there anything else
I can get you folks this evening?
Copy !req
957. I think I'd like a hot fudge sundae.
Copy !req
958. That does sound good.
I'll be right back with that for you.
Copy !req
959. Like that bitch needs to be
eating dessert anyway.
Copy !req
960. You know, if you ever want counseling
in anger management
Copy !req
961. or alcoholism,
Copy !req
962. I'd be more than glad to do it for you.
Copy !req
963. You'd do that for me?
Copy !req
964. Thank you. I appreciate that.
Copy !req
965. But I think I'd rather you just
wash the fucking dishes
Copy !req
966. and shut the fuck up!
Copy !req
967. Fucking psycho-babble-bullshit asshole!
Copy !req
968. Fucking bitch. Son of a bitch, cocksucker.
Copy !req
969. Fucking, I hate her. I hate her!
Copy !req
970. Fucking Nick and T-Dog!
Copy !req
971. That is why we are always on guard
for guests. You never know when...
Copy !req
972. - Shit.
- So you have to make sure they...
Copy !req
973. Fuck! Man, no!
Copy !req
974. If we're gonna beat last year's numbers,
I need you to be more hands-on.
Copy !req
975. I need you to be sure things
don't fall through the cracks.
Copy !req
976. Basically, I need you
to be more like Dean here.
Copy !req
977. I question whether you can see that
by me serving food,
Copy !req
978. but thank you anyway.
Copy !req
979. - How is everything, guys?
- Everything's perfect.
Copy !req
980. You're a master of your craft.
Copy !req
981. Thanks.
Copy !req
982. You keep this up, I may just try
to lure you away from this place.
Copy !req
983. All right. Well, thank you, sir.
Copy !req
984. Let me know if you need anything, guys.
Copy !req
985. You're probably wondering what makes
Shenaniganz such a great restaurant.
Copy !req
986. So I thought I'd share with you
a few key examples
Copy !req
987. of why we've had so much success.
Copy !req
988. First of all, our entrées are always cooked
Copy !req
989. exquisitely to perfection.
Copy !req
990. Our deserts were designed
by gourmet chefs.
Copy !req
991. We always treat our guests
with respect and dignity.
Copy !req
992. Did you see the tits on table 12?
Copy !req
993. We treat each other
with respect and dignity.
Copy !req
994. Fucking-ass pervert!
Copy !req
995. Remember, the difference between
ordinary and extraordinary
Copy !req
996. is that little extra.
Copy !req
997. The penis just looks ridiculous.
Copy !req
998. It's like a shriveled roll of dimes
or something.
Copy !req
999. I know. It's a joke.
Copy !req
1000. - She's in love.
- Hey, Tyla.
Copy !req
1001. You gonna talk to your girlfriend all night
or make my drink?
Copy !req
1002. That's okay. I understand how it works.
Copy !req
1003. Birds of a feather flock to vagina.
Copy !req
1004. Get off your ass and get help!
Copy !req
1005. You want some help, bitch?
Copy !req
1006. Here you go.
Copy !req
1007. Theodore! What the heck are you doing?
Copy !req
1008. How many times I told you?
My name is T-Dog, bitch!
Copy !req
1009. My name is T-Dog, bitch!
My name is T-Dog, bitch!
Copy !req
1010. Hey, sweetie. It's almost 9:00.
I just came to say goodbye.
Copy !req
1011. Hey, baby.
Copy !req
1012. You wanna go in the car
and have a little sex?
Copy !req
1013. So what if there's
plenty of parking spaces?
Copy !req
1014. It's the principle of the matter.
Copy !req
1015. Hey, you're preaching to the choir here.
Know what I mean?
Copy !req
1016. The Lord giveth, the Lord taketh away.
Copy !req
1017. Damn, come on.
Copy !req
1018. What the fuck?
Copy !req
1019. Here you go, sir.
Once again, I hope you enjoyed everything.
Copy !req
1020. - Thanks.
- See you guys.
Copy !req
1021. Dean, I wanna tell you,
you did an extraordinary job.
Copy !req
1022. Oh, thank you, sir.
Copy !req
1023. - How old are you?
- I'm 22.
Copy !req
1024. Well, you're obviously
a very intelligent young man.
Copy !req
1025. Let me give you my card.
Copy !req
1026. Ever get tired of this place,
you're looking for a new opportunity,
Copy !req
1027. - you give me a call.
- All right.
Copy !req
1028. Thank you, sir. I honestly appreciate that.
Copy !req
1029. Great. All right. Have a good night, guys.
Copy !req
1030. Thanks again. Thank you.
Copy !req
1031. Well, I hope he calls.
Copy !req
1032. Mama said they's my magic shoes.
Copy !req
1033. Mama said they'd take me anywhere.
Copy !req
1034. Of course, Mama used to beat me
with a rubber hose, call me a retard.
Copy !req
1035. Dude, please stop. Stop. Okay?
Copy !req
1036. I appreciate what you're trying to do. I do.
Copy !req
1037. But, dude, I'm really not in the mood
for smiling, all right?
Copy !req
1038. Okay.
Copy !req
1039. - What?
- The old lady at table 37 wants you to sing
Copy !req
1040. the birthday song for her grandson.
Copy !req
1041. His name is Timmy,
and he's eight years old.
Copy !req
1042. I need birthday singers!
Copy !req
1043. Come on, people!
We need birthday singers!
Copy !req
1044. Fuck.
Copy !req
1045. There he is. There's the big winner.
Copy !req
1046. - Yeah!
- Hey.
Copy !req
1047. All right. Attention, guests!
Copy !req
1048. Today's a very special occasion.
Copy !req
1049. It's Timmy's eighth birthday!
Copy !req
1050. Big round of applause. He's earned it.
Copy !req
1051. He's got his whole life ahead of him.
The sky's the limit.
Copy !req
1052. - Look at the camera!
- Picture time.
Copy !req
1053. - All right. All right.
- Cry it off.
Copy !req
1054. Well, we can't go in the parking lot.
Copy !req
1055. Can't go anywhere in the kitchen.
Copy !req
1056. Well, maybe we could...
Copy !req
1057. We are not having sex in the bathroom.
Copy !req
1058. - But...
- No. No way. Forget it.
Copy !req
1059. Oh. Come on, baby.
Copy !req
1060. Come on.
Copy !req
1061. Okay.
Copy !req
1062. - Okay, but this is the last time.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Copy !req
1063. So where do you girls go to college?
Copy !req
1064. Actually, we're still in high school.
Copy !req
1065. You're kidding. How old are you girls?
Copy !req
1066. Sixteen.
Copy !req
1067. Wow!
Copy !req
1068. You look a lot older than that.
I would've guessed 19, 20, maybe 21.
Copy !req
1069. Yeah, we get that a lot.
Copy !req
1070. Here. Let me give you a hand with that.
Copy !req
1071. It's the stupid childproof lighters.
Copy !req
1072. Hey, Bishop.
Can I talk to you about something?
Copy !req
1073. - Yeah, sure. Have a seat.
- Thanks.
Copy !req
1074. All right,
so I went to my mother's this morning.
Copy !req
1075. You've been working here, what?
About a year and four months, right?
Copy !req
1076. Yeah, I guess. About.
Copy !req
1077. - But anyway, we have a good relationship...
- About three years ago,
Copy !req
1078. this restaurant went through
quite a low point.
Copy !req
1079. Okay, I'm sorry. Did you wanna hear
what I was gonna say or...
Copy !req
1080. Please. See,
the store morale was beginning to slip.
Copy !req
1081. Clientele base began dropping off.
Copy !req
1082. That of course led to lower tips,
Copy !req
1083. which in time,
led to an even lower store morale.
Copy !req
1084. Basically, the entire restaurant was
going through quite a downward spiral.
Copy !req
1085. Okay.
Copy !req
1086. Then Raddimus began working here.
Copy !req
1087. And with him came the
penis-showing game you all like to play.
Copy !req
1088. Okay, I... Why are you telling me this?
Copy !req
1089. Restaurant began to improve.
Copy !req
1090. Employees started having
more fun at work.
Copy !req
1091. They started joking around a lot more,
Copy !req
1092. which led to a raise in the clientele base,
Copy !req
1093. higher tips and so on and so forth.
Copy !req
1094. Yeah, I still don't understand, Bishop.
Copy !req
1095. Point is,
Copy !req
1096. the penis-showing game became a catalyst
Copy !req
1097. for the change necessary
to be made in the restaurant.
Copy !req
1098. So, when things in your life
become stagnant,
Copy !req
1099. you know, you're no longer happy
with what you're doing,
Copy !req
1100. then you figure out
what's important to you.
Copy !req
1101. Then create your own penis-showing game,
Copy !req
1102. metaphorically speaking, that is.
Copy !req
1103. Okay. Okay, thanks, Bishop.
Copy !req
1104. So do you think
taking the assistant manager job
Copy !req
1105. would be like my penis-showing game?
Copy !req
1106. Is that what you're saying?
Copy !req
1107. Okay.
Copy !req
1108. Where the hell is it?
It's been over half an hour!
Copy !req
1109. Told you it'd be up in a minute!
Get out of my face or I'll lose your ticket!
Copy !req
1110. What? What do you want?
Copy !req
1111. Get back to the training room,
you ass cock!
Copy !req
1112. God damn it! I hate these fucking cooks.
I hate them!
Copy !req
1113. Twenty minutes for two
medium-rare steaks? This is bullshit.
Copy !req
1114. What the hell? They need to get rid of every
single one of these lousy cocksucking...
Copy !req
1115. So how is everything?
Copy !req
1116. Give me a call when you get this.
Copy !req
1117. Can you bring this to table 75?
I gotta try to take a piss.
Copy !req
1118. - Okay, good luck.
- Thanks.
Copy !req
1119. Okay, so how would you like
your steak prepared?
Copy !req
1120. Oh, let's see. Medium, medium-rare.
Copy !req
1121. Well, I want a hot, pink center.
Copy !req
1122. Don't we all?
Copy !req
1123. All right.
Do you know what you guys want?
Copy !req
1124. - I'd like a tossed salad, please.
- Oh, you're bad.
Copy !req
1125. Yo, girl, give me the instant camera.
Copy !req
1126. Yo, there's a birthday party in the kitchen.
We're gonna take a picture.
Copy !req
1127. Bus table 73 first,
and then I'll give you the camera.
Copy !req
1128. Yeah, whatever.
Copy !req
1129. Ma'am, I don't doubt
the steak was overcooked,
Copy !req
1130. but did you have to eat it all
before you complained about it?
Copy !req
1131. It's too bad
chlamydia has to be a venereal disease.
Copy !req
1132. It's such a pleasant-sounding word.
Copy !req
1133. - Chlamydia?
- Chlamydia.
Copy !req
1134. Chlamydia. I think I might
name my daughter Chlamydia.
Copy !req
1135. Okay, he wanted the jumbo shrimp
with baked potato, and she wanted the...
Copy !req
1136. Fuck. What did she order?
Copy !req
1137. - I can't.
- Hothead.
Copy !req
1138. Hi. Here's your change.
I hope you guys have a really nice evening.
Copy !req
1139. Fuck!
Copy !req
1140. Hurry up. Come on.
Copy !req
1141. What's taking so long?
Copy !req
1142. Shh. I'm trying to concentrate.
Copy !req
1143. Somebody here?
Copy !req
1144. Hurry up.
Copy !req
1145. This is crazy.
Copy !req
1146. Shh, shh, shh.
Copy !req
1147. No, no. Stop. Stop.
Copy !req
1148. - Here we go.
- Oh, God!
Copy !req
1149. - My fucking man! Yeah, man!
- You like that?
Copy !req
1150. Yo, give me the fucking picture back.
Copy !req
1151. So, what are you doing tonight?
Copy !req
1152. Oh, I'm sure I'll end up at the party.
Copy !req
1153. Oh, yeah?
Copy !req
1154. Do you...
Copy !req
1155. Do you think I...
Copy !req
1156. - You wanna come to the party?
- Well, yeah.
Copy !req
1157. Those guys, they always seem to forget
to tell me where it's at.
Copy !req
1158. Okay. As soon as I find out where it is,
Copy !req
1159. I'll make sure to give you directions.
Copy !req
1160. Well, then. Tonight should be a good night
for both of us, huh?
Copy !req
1161. Only 30 more minutes to go, man.
Copy !req
1162. We better not have no late-night asshole
coming in here.
Copy !req
1163. So how'd y'all do tonight?
Copy !req
1164. - I made about 70.
- 86.
Copy !req
1165. I made 67 on a double.
Copy !req
1166. Oh, God! How pissed are you?
Copy !req
1167. - How much did you make?
- A bill.
Copy !req
1168. I never make...
How do you make $100 every night?
Copy !req
1169. - You wanna know?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1170. You really wanna know
how I make $100 every night?
Copy !req
1171. - Yes.
- It's all about that right there.
Copy !req
1172. Yes!
Copy !req
1173. Yes!
Copy !req
1174. Monty with the assist!
Copy !req
1175. I can't believe how many homos
we got working in here.
Copy !req
1176. It's crazy. Mitch, cherry-popping time.
Copy !req
1177. Okay, Monty, my bitch. Kick me a field goal.
Copy !req
1178. You know what? I don't understand.
Copy !req
1179. You plot and you scheme on how to
get the other person to look at your goat
Copy !req
1180. or chicken wing or whatever.
Copy !req
1181. And then when he looks, you call him a fag.
Copy !req
1182. It's like it's an exercise
in retarded homophobic futility.
Copy !req
1183. You know you girls love it.
Copy !req
1184. So, seriously, ladies,
why don't you wanna play the game?
Copy !req
1185. I really think that we'd be willing
to amend the rules for you.
Copy !req
1186. - Oh, yeah. I bet you would.
- No girl would ever play that game.
Copy !req
1187. Why not?
Copy !req
1188. - You wanna know why?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1189. - You really wanna know why?
- I really do.
Copy !req
1190. Okay. I'll tell you why.
Copy !req
1191. - It's because of this!
- Oh!
Copy !req
1192. Oh, yeah. Bang. Pow! Pow! Pow!
Copy !req
1193. It's so angry!
Copy !req
1194. Oh, God! Does that thing have its shots?
Copy !req
1195. - Put it away. Put it away.
- Dinner is served!
Copy !req
1196. Oh, my God!
Copy !req
1197. Well, it's official.
Now my penis is just for show.
Copy !req
1198. Mitch, you picked a fucked-up night
to start working here.
Copy !req
1199. - Oh, my God!
- Bend over, boys.
Copy !req
1200. Oh, it's ladies' time.
Copy !req
1201. - Spread them. Let's go.
- All right. That's enough.
Copy !req
1202. You loved it.
Copy !req
1203. - Mitch, you're coming to the party tonight?
- Well, yeah...
Copy !req
1204. Great. Let's get this party started then.
Copy !req
1205. I gotta stop home first. I'll meet you there.
Copy !req
1206. Why do you have to go home?
Copy !req
1207. Oh. Right. Sorry, Calvin.
Copy !req
1208. Okay, baby doll,
you're definitely coming, right?
Copy !req
1209. If you do everything right, I will.
Copy !req
1210. Oh, God, Natasha, you're gonna have
to stop that. You're making it hard.
Copy !req
1211. I mean, difficult.
Copy !req
1212. Hey, Cochise, we're out. I'll see you, okay?
Copy !req
1213. Yeah. I'll see you there.
Copy !req
1214. Okay, I am so ready to get stupid.
Copy !req
1215. Only three more minutes
till the ball drop, baby. Come on.
Copy !req
1216. Come on.
Copy !req
1217. - Oh, hi there.
- You're not closed yet, are you?
Copy !req
1218. - Not quite.
- Oh, terrific.
Copy !req
1219. - Great.
- Here you go.
Copy !req
1220. And Dean will be your waiter this evening.
Copy !req
1221. Awesome.
Copy !req
1222. Hey, there, folks. My name is Dean.
I'll be your waiter this evening.
Copy !req
1223. Hello, Dean.
Copy !req
1224. Hey, Chett.
Copy !req
1225. I'm sorry, guys.
Copy !req
1226. Why? Why? Why? Why?
Copy !req
1227. Okay, so I'll go ahead
and put your order in,
Copy !req
1228. and maybe when I come back
we'll catch up a bit.
Copy !req
1229. - Yeah, sounds good.
- Cool.
Copy !req
1230. Oops. How clumsy of me.
Copy !req
1231. Oh, man, look what I did.
I'm all thumbs today.
Copy !req
1232. All right, guys. Here you go, Chett.
You got a steak.
Copy !req
1233. So, did you hear?
I got my bachelor's degree.
Copy !req
1234. Yeah, yeah. My mother told me.
Copy !req
1235. - That's really cool. Congratulations.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1236. - Yeah, I heard you were working here.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1237. Anyway. Yeah. I just started my new career.
They're starting me off at 48,000 a year.
Copy !req
1238. Wow. Wow.
Copy !req
1239. Yeah, I've been looking at houses.
It's really exciting.
Copy !req
1240. I'll bet.
Copy !req
1241. - So what have you been doing?
- Oh, you know.
Copy !req
1242. Well, I've been working here, obviously.
Copy !req
1243. And I'm still finishing up at C.C.,
taking a few more classes.
Copy !req
1244. I was actually thinking about
taking an assistant manager...
Copy !req
1245. Could I get some more tea?
Copy !req
1246. Sure. Yeah.
Copy !req
1247. Coming right up.
Copy !req
1248. Hey, Dan, man, we outta here.
Copy !req
1249. Okay, Dan, I'm just leaving now.
Copy !req
1250. But here are the directions to the party.
Copy !req
1251. What time are you coming over?
Copy !req
1252. I should be out of here soon.
Copy !req
1253. I'm gonna go home and change
Copy !req
1254. and be right over.
Copy !req
1255. Okay.
Copy !req
1256. I just wanna warn you,
I might be really drunk tonight.
Copy !req
1257. I hope you won't think less of me.
Copy !req
1258. No. No, I'm not.
Copy !req
1259. I won't.
Copy !req
1260. Okay. Well, I'll see you there.
Copy !req
1261. Fuck.
Copy !req
1262. - Dean, really, it's...
- No.
Copy !req
1263. It's what?
Copy !req
1264. Here you go, Chett.
It was nice seeing you again.
Copy !req
1265. Yeah, you too, Dean. Listen.
Copy !req
1266. You take care of yourself.
Copy !req
1267. You too. Okay.
Copy !req
1268. How much did he leave you?
Copy !req
1269. He must have made a mistake.
Copy !req
1270. Chett, Chett. I think you made a mistake.
Copy !req
1271. - You gave me a $100 bill.
- No, it's all there.
Copy !req
1272. - We're straight.
- The check's only $31. That's like a $70 tip.
Copy !req
1273. Look, I just thought maybe
you needed it more than I do.
Copy !req
1274. Hey! Dean.
Copy !req
1275. Have you thought about it?
Copy !req
1276. You want that assistant manager job?
Copy !req
1277. - Weiser?
- No, thanks.
Copy !req
1278. Look...
Copy !req
1279. Hello? Hey, Christy.
Copy !req
1280. What's up?
Copy !req
1281. No, I'm not. No, I was just...
Copy !req
1282. Yeah, I'll see you tomorrow, then.
Copy !req
1283. Okay. Bye. Bye.
Copy !req
1284. Bye.
Copy !req
1285. - What's up with Christy?
- Oh, she's...
Copy !req
1286. She's on a date.
Copy !req
1287. That's why she wanted me
to cover her shift.
Copy !req
1288. She's... She's still with him.
Copy !req
1289. God, that's it.
Copy !req
1290. I'm gonna... I'm gonna change.
Copy !req
1291. Well, good.
Copy !req
1292. You should start tonight.
Copy !req
1293. - Go get one of those high school girls.
- You think?
Copy !req
1294. Mitch, I want you to know
that you did a really great job today.
Copy !req
1295. And you didn't even cry once,
Copy !req
1296. which is more than I can say
for my last trainee.
Copy !req
1297. So, honestly,
you think you can handle working here?
Copy !req
1298. - Yeah...
- Hey, fuck off for a second.
Copy !req
1299. I'll be right back.
Copy !req
1300. Hey, whoa.
Amy called, she told me what happened.
Copy !req
1301. - Yeah.
- You know what? Fuck Chett Miller.
Copy !req
1302. Hey, man, relax.
Copy !req
1303. All right? Relax. I'm okay.
Copy !req
1304. You serious?
Copy !req
1305. - I'd be ready to kill someone.
- No, you know what?
Copy !req
1306. I'm glad he came in. I really am.
Copy !req
1307. Yeah, he was a prick,
and at first I was so fucking pissed off,
Copy !req
1308. but it was weird.
Copy !req
1309. In one second,
it all just kind of snapped into perspective.
Copy !req
1310. Please, elaborate. Did you talk to Dan?
Copy !req
1311. Do you want the assistant manager job?
Copy !req
1312. No.
Copy !req
1313. I quit.
Copy !req
1314. What?
Copy !req
1315. You know, I thought about it.
I thought a lot about it,
Copy !req
1316. and I know I don't wanna
wait tables anymore. I know that.
Copy !req
1317. This is all temporary.
Copy !req
1318. This is supposed to be the in-between time.
Copy !req
1319. If I become an assistant manager,
Copy !req
1320. it's just one more step
towards permanence.
Copy !req
1321. Fuck that, man. No way.
Copy !req
1322. So you've really...
Copy !req
1323. What did Dan say
when you told him you quit?
Copy !req
1324. You're flushing a golden opportunity
down the toilet.
Copy !req
1325. And just so you know, hot dog,
Copy !req
1326. if you do come back,
this job won't be here for you.
Copy !req
1327. - I hope you're right.
- I am right!
Copy !req
1328. - You're fired!
- I mean, I already quit, so...
Copy !req
1329. No, you're fired!
Copy !req
1330. I write the book, okay?
Copy !req
1331. Here's how it went down. You walked in...
Copy !req
1332. You're fired!
Copy !req
1333. All right. Then, thanks for being
so mature about this and professional.
Copy !req
1334. I was very professional. You're fired.
Copy !req
1335. All right.
Copy !req
1336. Get out! Get out of my sight!
Copy !req
1337. - That's harsh.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1338. He'll be crying himself to sleep tonight
on his cock-shaped pillow.
Copy !req
1339. What are you gonna do now?
Copy !req
1340. I don't know.
Copy !req
1341. I don't know.
Copy !req
1342. I'm definitely gonna do something.
Copy !req
1343. Fuck it.
Copy !req
1344. Let's go out there, let's celebrate,
Copy !req
1345. let's just get totally fucking annihilated,
hammered-ass drunk
Copy !req
1346. and then run the train on Amy.
Copy !req
1347. Fuck.
Copy !req
1348. You really are an asshole, man.
Copy !req
1349. So I'm told.
Copy !req
1350. You're a good friend, too.
Copy !req
1351. Let's just keep that on the DL.
I'm all about low expectations.
Copy !req
1352. What, are you flirting with me?
Copy !req
1353. Oh, by the way, Cal.
Copy !req
1354. I've been thinking about
your public bathroom phobia.
Copy !req
1355. - Yeah?
- I believe I have a solution.
Copy !req
1356. Really? What is it?
Copy !req
1357. - Tell me what to do.
- Okay, but first,
Copy !req
1358. close your eyes.
Copy !req
1359. Close my... Okay.
Copy !req
1360. Now,
Copy !req
1361. envision yourself at a bathroom urinal
Copy !req
1362. with everybody you know
crowded around you.
Copy !req
1363. They're cheering you on.
Copy !req
1364. Calvin! Calvin!
Copy !req
1365. They're chanting your name.
Copy !req
1366. Not only do they want you to urinate,
Copy !req
1367. they wanna see it.
Copy !req
1368. - Proud of you, buddy!
- Hell, yeah!
Copy !req
1369. - Fucking piss, man!
- We believe in you!
Copy !req
1370. You can do it!
Copy !req
1371. You pissing son of a bitch!
Copy !req
1372. Now, see yourself urinating, Calvin.
Copy !req
1373. You can do it! Do it!
Copy !req
1374. Do it proudly.
Copy !req
1375. It's historic!
Copy !req
1376. So, go ahead and visualize that
for the next few weeks.
Copy !req
1377. Start off at home first, by yourself.
Copy !req
1378. Then you can move to a stall,
Copy !req
1379. and then eventually to an actual urinal.
Copy !req
1380. Thanks, Bishop. I mean it.
Copy !req
1381. That totally makes sense.
Copy !req
1382. Look, well, you guys, I'm feeling good.
Copy !req
1383. You know what? I'm gonna go talk
to one of those high school girls.
Copy !req
1384. - Well, good luck with that.
- Thank you.
Copy !req
1385. So, what grade are you in?
Copy !req
1386. Oh, look at that. A bedroom.
Copy !req
1387. No.
Copy !req
1388. What? What do you mean?
Copy !req
1389. You start playing this weird ambivalence
bullshit, and it makes me feel psycho.
Copy !req
1390. And I never get psycho!
Copy !req
1391. I know.
Copy !req
1392. So I need you to do me a favor.
Copy !req
1393. I need you to not be such a pussy.
Copy !req
1394. Wow, there's the sass that I was missing.
Copy !req
1395. - You're a flake.
- I know I'm a flake!
Copy !req
1396. - Fuck you!
- You can't even get a boner.
Copy !req
1397. Whoa, sorry to interrupt.
Copy !req
1398. Wait. Hey, Bishop.
Copy !req
1399. I created my own penis-showing game.
Copy !req
1400. So you quit your job.
Copy !req
1401. How'd you know I quit?
Copy !req
1402. Wow.
Copy !req
1403. Are you okay?
Copy !req
1404. Is something wrong?
Copy !req
1405. Just checking.
Copy !req
1406. Wait. Wait, wait.
Copy !req
1407. What?
Copy !req
1408. You turn 18 next Wednesday, right?
Copy !req
1409. Yeah.
Copy !req
1410. Okay, then...
Copy !req
1411. Why don't we make this
Copy !req
1412. a "to be continued
Copy !req
1413. "until next Wednesday"?
Copy !req
1414. Why? Do you think I'm gonna turn you in?
Copy !req
1415. - You think you're going to get arrested?
- No, no, no.
Copy !req
1416. I just... I feel like... I don't wanna be
Copy !req
1417. taking...
Copy !req
1418. - Let's just wait the week.
- Okay.
Copy !req
1419. Okay.
Copy !req
1420. But if anybody asks, anybody at all,
Copy !req
1421. I fucked you.
Copy !req
1422. Twice.
Copy !req
1423. So, Mitch, how was your first day?
Copy !req
1424. Well?
Copy !req
1425. Well, it was...
Copy !req
1426. I remember my first day.
Copy !req
1427. What a doozy, huh?
Bishop, you're gonna love this.
Copy !req
1428. I was so nervous
I dropped this bowl of soup on a nun.
Copy !req
1429. Hey, turn down the music for a minute.
Copy !req
1430. - Hey, would you turn down the music?
- Dude, chill.
Copy !req
1431. Would you turn down the fucking music
for a minute? Jesus!
Copy !req
1432. This is fucking bullshit!
Copy !req
1433. I have been here all goddamned day,
and you haven't let me say one thing!
Copy !req
1434. None of you!
Copy !req
1435. - Well, damn, Mitch, I...
- Oh, no, asshole!
Copy !req
1436. You shut the fuck up now.
It's my turn to talk!
Copy !req
1437. You're all fucked in the head!
All of you! I mean you...
Copy !req
1438. Change your fucking tampon and have
another drink you crazy, fucking bitch!
Copy !req
1439. And you! "I don't know
what to be when I grow up!"
Copy !req
1440. Join the fucking army or something!
Copy !req
1441. God damn!
Copy !req
1442. Oh, and you!
Copy !req
1443. You know what? You're too easy.
Copy !req
1444. And you.
Copy !req
1445. Fuck you, Monty!
Copy !req
1446. Always gotta be right,
with your little quips!
Copy !req
1447. We get it, man.
You're fucking edgy and cool. Yeah!
Copy !req
1448. You're the coolest fucking guy
at Shenaniganz!
Copy !req
1449. That's like being the smartest kid
with Down syndrome!
Copy !req
1450. Oh, and... Oh, yeah.
Copy !req
1451. Why aren't you in jail?
Copy !req
1452. I mean, what are you, like 13, 14?
Copy !req
1453. She's almost 18.
Copy !req
1454. You know what? Fuck this!
Copy !req
1455. You all suck. I quit.
Copy !req
1456. Oh, yeah.
Copy !req
1457. There is one more thing.
Copy !req
1458. You.
Copy !req
1459. You are the biggest piece of shit
Copy !req
1460. in this entire restaurant.
Copy !req
1461. And I hope you burn in hell.
Copy !req
1462. Me? What the fuck did I do to you, man?
Copy !req
1463. Seriously?
Copy !req
1464. Oh, shit!
Copy !req
1465. The goat! The goat, you bastard!
Copy !req
1466. Fucking faggots.
Copy !req
1467. That was the shit!
Copy !req
1468. Mitch! Mitch! Stop, please.
Copy !req
1469. Look, look. Stop, stop.
Copy !req
1470. Okay, I am sorry,
Copy !req
1471. and I hereby swear
my undying allegiance to you.
Copy !req
1472. You are the fucking man.
Copy !req
1473. Now, come back to the party.
Copy !req
1474. Please?
Copy !req
1475. I swear to God,
I'll never underestimate you again.
Copy !req
1476. - All right.
- Okay.
Copy !req
1477. All right.
Copy !req
1478. Dean, you've been replaced.
Copy !req
1479. Fuck!
Copy !req
1480. All right, everybody, listen up.
Copy !req
1481. From here on out, Mitch is a made man.
Copy !req
1482. Anyone who has anything different to say,
Nick and T-Dog will fucking fuck you!
Copy !req
1483. Let's talk about that T-Dog one more time!
Copy !req
1484. Shut up!
Copy !req
1485. What's that?
Copy !req
1486. Don't do that!
Copy !req
1487. Yo, man, yo! Yo! Beer run, man.
Copy !req
1488. Why the hell would you do that?
Copy !req
1489. - He's a fucking manager.
- Well, he asked, so, I...
Copy !req
1490. You lost major cool points for this.
Copy !req
1491. What the hell are you doing here?
Copy !req
1492. Yo! What you doing?
Copy !req
1493. - What's up? How you doing?
- Those look heavy.
Copy !req
1494. No, I think you can make it.
Copy !req
1495. - Asshole.
- Shenaniganz.
Copy !req
1496. You bring my goddamn gift certificates?
Copy !req
1497. Is Natasha here?
Copy !req
1498. Okay. Yeah. They got me.
Copy !req
1499. All right. Okay.
Copy !req
1500. You... One week!
Copy !req
1501. Peace out, bitch-ass motherfuckers.
Copy !req
1502. Get the fuck out of my fucking face.
Copy !req
1503. - Get the fuck out of my fucking face.
- Bitch-ass motherfuckers.
Copy !req
1504. Oh, yeah!
Copy !req