1. Well, ladies and gentlemen,
this is your captain, Rusty Griswold.Copy !req
2. Hope you've enjoyed your 18-minute
flight from South Bend.Copy !req
3. We'll be touching down at Chicago's
Midway very shortly.Copy !req
4. We'd like to thank you for flying
with us today...Copy !req
5. because at Econo Air, we're working
hard to win back your trust.Copy !req
6. - Harry, you mind taking over while I hit the lav?
- Sure thing, Rusty.Copy !req
7. Thank you very much.Copy !req
8. - Oh, and Rusty.
- Mm-hm.Copy !req
9. I wanna thank you for going to bat
for me last week.Copy !req
10. I was happy to do it.Copy !req
11. You know, just because corporate says
you're too old to fly doesn't make it true.Copy !req
12. You're more qualified
than us younger guys.Copy !req
13. - Means a lot to me.
- Sure thing.Copy !req
14. - Oh, and Rusty.
- Mm-hm.Copy !req
15. I wanna thank you for going to bat
for me last week.Copy !req
16. Yeah.Copy !req
17. You bet.Copy !req
18. Dad, is that the pilot?Copy !req
19. It sure is.Copy !req
20. - He just came from the cockpit.
- Whoa.Copy !req
21. - Hey there, little guy.
- Hi.Copy !req
22. Is this your first time on a plane?Copy !req
23. We were planning on driving...Copy !req
24. but, uh, Tyler here has been begging us
to go on his first airplane.Copy !req
25. - Oh, is that right?
- Uh-huh.Copy !req
26. Do you think I can be a pilot
when I grow up?Copy !req
27. Heh. Yeah, well, I don't see why not.Copy !req
28. You just have to study hard
and listen to your parents, all right?Copy !req
29. - Okay, heh.
- Sorry about that.Copy !req
30. - Little bit of rough air.
- It's okay.Copy !req
31. Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
32. Don't worry about it, heh.Copy !req
33. Hey, we call that "turbulence,"
all right?Copy !req
34. That's when the plane passes...Copy !req
35. So sorry.Copy !req
36. Okay, you folks enjoy
the rest of your flight.Copy !req
37. Let me give you a hand.Copy !req
38. Can you please stay
the fuck away from us?Copy !req
39. Harry, you took us up to 60,000 feet.
What are you doing?Copy !req
40. Oh, Rusty.Copy !req
41. I wanna thank you for going to bat
for me last week.Copy !req
42. Or the time that Pan Continental
put us up at the Ritz in Barcelona.Copy !req
43. You know, I'll tell you one thing
about the Spanish women:Copy !req
44. - They, uh, love them some airline pilots.
- Heh. They do.Copy !req
45. I never took the uniform off,
except when I did.Copy !req
46. Ladies.Copy !req
47. All full. You have to wait
for the next one.Copy !req
48. - But I was...
- You were what?Copy !req
49. I'll catch the next one.Copy !req
50. See you around, Econo Air.Copy !req
51. - The third time this month.
- I know.Copy !req
52. Do something about him.
He's always picking on me.Copy !req
53. I know he is. I'm so sorry, honey. Hey.Copy !req
54. - Hi. What's going on here?
- You'll see.Copy !req
55. Kevin, get down here, please.Copy !req
56. - Look what he did to my guitar.
- Aw. Again?Copy !req
57. God. You told Mom and Dad?Copy !req
58. You have such a vagina.Copy !req
59. Okay, enough, enough. Now, young man...Copy !req
60. we talked about the bullying
of your older brother.Copy !req
61. That's right. We don't make fun of
someone just because they're different.Copy !req
62. - I don't have a vagina.
- I'm just saying, if you did...Copy !req
63. it wouldn't be okay for Kevin
to tease you about your vagina.Copy !req
64. Why are you making it sound
like I have a vagina?Copy !req
65. I know you don't have a vagina.
I'm not doing that.Copy !req
66. - Kevin, apologize to your brother, please.
- Fine. I'm sorry.Copy !req
67. Now go to your room.Copy !req
68. Ah. I was in my fucking room.Copy !req
69. - Whoa, hey, Kevin? Get back down here.
- Ah.Copy !req
70. Now listen.Copy !req
71. There are a lot of boys who are born
with vaginas.Copy !req
72. It's very hard for them.Copy !req
73. - Honey. Why?
- It's a teachable moment, hon.Copy !req
74. Gender fluidity, right?
It's a very serious issue.Copy !req
75. - I'm not gender-fluid.
- It doesn't matter if you are.Copy !req
76. The point is
your mom and I would love you...Copy !req
77. even if you were completely blank
down there.Copy !req
78. Okay, this is not the point.Copy !req
79. Kevin, just go to your room.Copy !req
80. Hey, James, don't get your
gender fluid on me.Copy !req
81. - Awesome.
- Stop. It's not a fluid.Copy !req
82. And what about my guitar?Copy !req
83. It's ruined.Copy !req
84. Let me have a look.Copy !req
85. There you go. That'll do for now.Copy !req
86. Now get washed up. The Petersons
are coming over for dinner.Copy !req
87. Okay, baby.Copy !req
88. Oh, gosh.
I'll get you a new guitar, okay?Copy !req
89. - Oh, use the Vitamix. The dry bit.
- Just grind it. Yeah.Copy !req
90. Sheila.Copy !req
91. - So do you have to work tomorrow?
- So, um, Sheila.Copy !req
92. - I want to go to the movies with my friends.
- Sheila.Copy !req
93. - What?
- Do you like school this year?Copy !req
94. It's okay.Copy !req
95. "So do you like school this year?"Copy !req
96. That's seriously
what you sound like. Just shut up.Copy !req
97. God, I'm telling you, Russ,
you've gotta get one of these go-kart kits.Copy !req
98. - What?
- Oh, yeah.Copy !req
99. Gary and I spent the last two months
building this.Copy !req
100. We took her out this morning
for the first time.Copy !req
101. Holy moly.Copy !req
102. - Fun?
- No, no, it was terrible. Yeah, it was fun.Copy !req
103. Hot damn, it's a go-kart.Copy !req
104. G-man, get over here.Copy !req
105. - G-man, G-man, G-man.
- Uh-oh.Copy !req
106. Oh, my God, my G-man. I love him.Copy !req
107. Get in there. What?Copy !req
108. What? What? Get in there. Get in there.Copy !req
109. Oh, man. I love you so much.Copy !req
110. Tell Mr. Griswold
how dope our go-kart is.Copy !req
111. It's got a Zanardi chassis and
a four-stroke Briggs & Stratton engine.Copy !req
112. - Wow, and you guys built this together?
- We worked on it every day...Copy !req
113. after homework and toothbrushing.
I love... Get over here, man.Copy !req
114. Work it, Sugar Ray. Come on, Sugar Ray.Copy !req
115. He's working me over.Copy !req
116. I'm gonna eat your face!Copy !req
117. Kevin, James, get over here.Copy !req
118. No.Copy !req
119. Come on, heh. Oh, there you are.Copy !req
120. - Dad, stop. What are you doing?
- Come on, man, we're sparring.Copy !req
121. - We do this all the time.
- No. We never do this.Copy !req
122. - Hey, don't hit your old man.
- I don't wanna be a part of this.Copy !req
123. What are you doing?Copy !req
124. - This is how accidents happen.
- Sacrifice!Copy !req
125. Dad, let go of me. Stop.
Why did you do that?Copy !req
126. I'm sorry, man. Come on.
I was just fooling around.Copy !req
127. - That wasn't fun.
- Like we always do.Copy !req
128. We never do that.Copy !req
129. Hey, what do you say
you and I build a go-kart together?Copy !req
130. If we have to.Copy !req
131. Yeah, all right, G-man, heh!Copy !req
132. Get out of here. Get out of here, G-man.Copy !req
133. Did you just steal my son's nickname?Copy !req
134. I'm not sure about...
Oh, shoot. Dang it.Copy !req
135. Wow, your ring is getting loose,
there, Deb. Are you losing weight?Copy !req
136. Yeah. I am.
You know what I've been doing?Copy !req
137. Spinning.Copy !req
138. Yeah, it's a great stress reliever.Copy !req
139. I'm gonna tell you what's
an even greater stress reliever.Copy !req
140. And that is a week in Paris.Copy !req
141. Oh, my gosh! I saw that on Instagram.Copy !req
142. All your pictures were so great.Copy !req
143. - So you did see them.
- Yeah.Copy !req
144. Funny, because I was gonna ask
how come you didn't like any of them.Copy !req
145. What do you mean? I just said I did.Copy !req
146. All my other friends, uh, who saw my
Paris pics, they clicked "like."Copy !req
147. You were the only one who
didn't click "like."Copy !req
148. Oh. I guess I just didn't get around
to actually clicking "like" on them.Copy !req
149. Okay, because look at this one.
Now, in this one we have...Copy !req
150. - Sheila and Gary wearing berets.
- I know.Copy !req
151. - Right?
- Heh. I like that one so much. It's so cute.Copy !req
152. - But you didn't "like" it.
- Okay.Copy !req
153. Here are the four of us
at the Arc de Triomphe.Copy !req
154. Didn't "like" that. Didn't "like" my children.
Didn't "like" my man kissing on me.Copy !req
155. I promise you the second you guys leave
I am gonna go upstairs online...Copy !req
156. and I am gonna click "like"
on every single one of them.Copy !req
157. Honestly, honey, it really makes
no difference to me.Copy !req
158. So are you guys going anywhere
special this summer?Copy !req
159. No. I wish. Yeah. No.Copy !req
160. We are renting the same cabin that we've been
renting for 10 years in Cheboygan, Michigan.Copy !req
161. The boys call it "Che-boring," Michigan.Copy !req
162. - Isn't that funny?
- Why don't you just go someplace else?Copy !req
163. No, we can't. Rusty loves it so much. I'd
break his heart if I told him we hate the cabin.Copy !req
164. - Oh, boy. I understand.
- Yeah.Copy !req
165. I understand.
Well, you know what the good news is?Copy !req
166. Hmm?Copy !req
167. Honestly, even if you go there and you
don't have a great time, baby...Copy !req
168. at least you know that I will click
"like" on all your photos.Copy !req
169. Jesus Christ, Nancy.Copy !req
170. Look!Copy !req
171. Look!Copy !req
172. What the fuck is this?Copy !req
173. Louie!Copy !req
174. What the fuck is this? Hey, madam.Copy !req
175. How much capellini
are you throwing away?Copy !req
176. What are you doing, Melinda?
What are you doing?Copy !req
177. Guys, I have exciting news.Copy !req
178. James has AIDS?Copy !req
179. What? No. That's horrible.Copy !req
180. - I'd be excited.
- Well, what is it? What is it?Copy !req
181. - The four of us are gonna take a little trip.
- Paris.Copy !req
182. Hmm. No, much better.Copy !req
183. We're driving to Walley World.Copy !req
184. - What?
- This family's in a rut.Copy !req
185. We gotta shake things up, right?
Spend a little quality time.Copy !req
186. It wouldn't hurt for the boys
to learn to get along a little better.Copy !req
187. - Uh, by locking them in a car together?
- Yeah.Copy !req
188. - This is some bullshit right here!
- Hey, language.Copy !req
189. Well, it is. I'm gonna miss the first
week of wrestling practice.Copy !req
190. We'll find a wrestling range
along the way, heh.Copy !req
191. That's not even a thing.Copy !req
192. And, Dad, no offense, I just don't
wanna do my first big road trip...Copy !req
193. to some corporate theme park, you know?Copy !req
194. I'd like to explore the real America,
like Jack Kerouac or the Merry Pranksters.Copy !req
195. - Don't say weird shit!
- Ah. Ow!Copy !req
196. Kevin, bullying! Guys, come on.Copy !req
197. My trip to Walley World when I was a kid
was the best time I ever had.Copy !req
198. So you just wanna redo your vacation
from 30 years ago?Copy !req
199. Don't you think that's gonna be
kind of a letdown?Copy !req
200. No, no, no. We're not redoing anything.
This will be completely different.Copy !req
201. For one thing, the original vacation
had a boy and a girl. This one has two boys.Copy !req
202. And I'm sure that there will be lots
of other differences.Copy !req
203. - I've never even heard of the original vacation.
- Doesn't matter.Copy !req
204. The new vacation
will stand on its own, okay?Copy !req
205. Come on, honey.Copy !req
206. What do you say?
We can drive out and fly back.Copy !req
207. Oh, what the heck, heh.Copy !req
208. Couldn't be as bad as
that stupid cabin, right, honey?Copy !req
209. - That's the spirit.
- All right.Copy !req
210. Ugh. Fuck me.Copy !req
211. Are we gonna drive all that way
in your little car?Copy !req
212. Not exactly.Copy !req
213. Come on, guys, heh. How come you didn't
follow me just then?Copy !req
214. - Oh, you wanted us to?
- Yeah, that's why I dangled the key like that.Copy !req
215. - Oh, well...
- Why else would I...?Copy !req
216. You could've just said, "Come with me."Copy !req
217. Look what your dad rented.Copy !req
218. What the hell is that?Copy !req
219. Kevin.Copy !req
220. - That's a 2015 Tartan Prancer.
- Did you say "Tartan," honey?Copy !req
221. Yeah. Tartan's the Honda of Albania.Copy !req
222. Why'd you get an Albanian car, Dad?Copy !req
223. Renting a family car
on Memorial Day weekend...Copy !req
224. doesn't leave you with a lot of options.
But this baby is pretty sweet.Copy !req
225. It's got all the latest Albanian technology.
Check it out. Plug-in hybrid.Copy !req
226. Oh, wow, eco-friendly. Good.Copy !req
227. So any time we run out of juice,
we can just pull right over, and plug in.Copy !req
228. I don't know what that is.Copy !req
229. Never seen an outlet for that, heh.Copy !req
230. Should it retract, or...?Copy !req
231. You would think
it would retract. It just...Copy !req
232. No, it doesn't.Copy !req
233. Cupholder?Copy !req
234. I think you coil it. You just coil it like that.
Right? Then you close it right up.Copy !req
235. Doesn't matter. Still got two gas tanks.Copy !req
236. - Why two?
- Carry twice as much gas.Copy !req
237. - Why not just have one big tank?
- It's twice the gas, buddy.Copy !req
238. Actually the same volume. Two small...Copy !req
239. It has six ashtrays.Copy !req
240. Six, wow.Copy !req
241. Hope you guys like smoking.Copy !req
242. - Right?
- Yeah.Copy !req
243. What's with all the mirrors?Copy !req
244. Safer.Copy !req
245. But...Copy !req
246. Oh. And this is amazing. I can control
the entire car from the fob.Copy !req
247. - What do all the buttons mean?
- No clue. But we'll figure it out.Copy !req
248. Honey, is that a swastika on there?Copy !req
249. Yeah. We won't use that.Copy !req
250. This is my favorite part.Copy !req
251. - Slam the door on my arm.
- Heh. What?Copy !req
252. It has a sensor. It won't let you
slam the door on your arm or leg.Copy !req
253. - I'm not doing that.
- The rental guy showed me. Just do it.Copy !req
254. - Okay.
- Do it!Copy !req
255. - Do it.
- This is kind of fun.Copy !req
256. Slam it.Copy !req
257. All right. There you go.Copy !req
258. - Oh! Oh!
- Oh, my God!Copy !req
259. - Oh, my gosh!
- Goddamn it!Copy !req
260. Oh, my God!
Why did you have me do that?Copy !req
261. Oh, I didn't have the sensor activated.Copy !req
262. - Okay.
- I'm an idiot.Copy !req
263. - Do it again.
- No, absolutely not.Copy !req
264. - It'll be fine. I just activated it.
- I won't do it.Copy !req
265. - Don't be chicken.
- Fine.Copy !req
266. - Shit!
- Heh.Copy !req
267. - Why did you do that?
- Really?Copy !req
268. You're right. I'm sorry, heh.Copy !req
269. - Ugh! Nobody slam their arm in the door.
- Can I slam it on James' balls?Copy !req
270. - You admit I have balls?
- They hang out of your vagina.Copy !req
271. - Stop that. Please.
- Plenty of time for that.Copy !req
272. - Go get packed. We're hitting the road today.
- Okay.Copy !req
273. Guess we're leaving today.
All right. Let's go, guys.Copy !req
274. Huh.Copy !req
275. Hey, honey. What's all that?Copy !req
276. Well, uh, this is my dream journal...Copy !req
277. whimsy log...Copy !req
278. wish diary...Copy !req
279. my poems.Copy !req
280. And, uh, this bad boy is going to be a
stream-of-consciousness travel log, so...Copy !req
281. Yeah.Copy !req
282. Come on, honey. Every boy that age
has a stack of diaries.Copy !req
283. Okay, gang.Copy !req
284. Seat belts on.Copy !req
285. Two full tanks of gas.Copy !req
286. Honey, GPS check?Copy !req
287. Yes, yes. Roger that. Okay.Copy !req
288. Your destination is 2560 miles ahead.Copy !req
289. Walley World, here we come.Copy !req
290. Well, we're almost out of gas.Copy !req
291. What? How is that possible?
We've been driving for less than an hour.Copy !req
292. Dad, what's so special
about Walley World?Copy !req
293. I mean, we have plenty of
theme parks at home.Copy !req
294. Well, Walley World is home of
the one and only Velociraptor.Copy !req
295. What the hell is that?Copy !req
296. It's only the newest, scariest
roller coaster in the country.Copy !req
297. Four hundred and fifty feet tall,
110 miles an hour...Copy !req
298. triple corkscrew loop.Copy !req
299. Yeah. Oh, hey, look at this.Copy !req
300. Looks like we got ourselves
a little old convoy.Copy !req
301. Let's say hi.Copy !req
302. - Oh, my goodness. It has a CB radio in it?
- Yeah, comes standard in all Prancers.Copy !req
303. - This way we can talk to truckers.
- Okay.Copy !req
304. Now, guys, you just have
to speak their lingo.Copy !req
305. I'm gonna ask him if there's any
police up ahead.Copy !req
306. Breaker 1-9 to Rubber Ducky.Copy !req
307. You got any Smokey the Bears
in your kitchen? Over.Copy !req
308. You're clean and green
for the next 20 klicks.Copy !req
309. - Ha-ha. He replied!
- I know!Copy !req
310. - What did that even mean?
- I have no idea, but who cares?Copy !req
311. - He seems nice.
- He does seem nice, doesn't he?Copy !req
312. Copy that, good buddy. Over.Copy !req
313. - Can I try, Dad?
- Yeah, course.Copy !req
314. When you finish talking, say "over."Copy !req
315. - Okay. Cool.
- Okay.Copy !req
316. Breaker 1-9, my friend Jessie says
all truck drivers are rapists.Copy !req
317. - Are you a rapist?
- Kevin, no, no.Copy !req
318. Sorry. Over.Copy !req
319. - No, no, no.
- What are you doing?Copy !req
320. - What? It's a question.
- Well, you're ruining it.Copy !req
321. Sorry about that there, good buddy.Copy !req
322. You know how little boys are when
their mouths get going, heh. I don't...Copy !req
323. Not to imply that you are...Copy !req
324. fond of when little boys' mouths
get going in any way.Copy !req
325. I am not suggesting that
you are a sex offender.Copy !req
326. - Or a pedophile.
- Okay, no.Copy !req
327. Yeah, so that's the CB radio, guys.Copy !req
328. Neat, huh?Copy !req
329. - Hey, Dad, what's a pedophile?
- Hmm. Well, Kevin, when a man and a boy...Copy !req
330. - love each other very much...
- No. No.Copy !req
331. - I have to piss.
- Me too.Copy !req
332. Go with him, please,
and keep an eye on him.Copy !req
333. - Okay.
- Thank you.Copy !req
334. Look at that.
The boys are bonding already.Copy !req
335. Isn't this the best?Copy !req
336. Yeah.Copy !req
337. Do you remember, back when you were
just getting your pilot's license...Copy !req
338. and you and I would sit there...Copy !req
339. and we'd talk about all those, like,
overseas trips we would take and stuff?Copy !req
340. Yeah, of course that's when I thought
I was gonna fly for one of the big guys.Copy !req
341. I know it's not the most glamorous
airline, but Econo Air...Copy !req
342. it's been pretty good to us.Copy !req
343. As far as I'm concerned, right here
with you and the boys, this is paradise.Copy !req
344. - There was a hole in the side of my stall.
- You found a glory hole.Copy !req
345. - Russ, no.
- All right, let's hit the road.Copy !req
346. Go to sleep! Go to sleep!Copy !req
347. - What's wrong with you?
- I wanted to see...Copy !req
348. how long you could
hold your breath before you black out.Copy !req
349. Don't do that. I could have died.Copy !req
350. Whatever.Copy !req
351. Goddamn it. Kevin!Copy !req
352. Hey, honey,
why'd we get off the highway?Copy !req
353. Thought it would be fun for the kids
to see where you went to college.Copy !req
354. Oh, God. Why would that be fun
for them, honey?Copy !req
355. You could give us a tour.
One of them could study there one day.Copy !req
356. Oh, no. No way, man.Copy !req
357. I've got my sights set on something
a little more Ivy League.Copy !req
358. Oh. Little fucker.Copy !req
359. - What, Ma?
- I love you. That's what I said.Copy !req
360. - I love you too.
- I said, I love you.Copy !req
361. Let's just see how far it is.Copy !req
362. - You are 9.2 miles from destination.
- All right. Check the best route.Copy !req
363. Oh, I changed the language.Copy !req
364. That's not it, heh.Copy !req
365. What is that?Copy !req
366. - Uh, I don't know. Korean?
- Oh, God, it's horrible. Just please turn it off.Copy !req
367. The menu's all in Korean now.
I don't know what to press.Copy !req
368. Why is it so much angrier
than the other voices?Copy !req
369. Why don't we just...?Copy !req
370. Honey, it doesn't like
when you touch it, okay?Copy !req
371. Just leave it alone. Let it calm down.Copy !req
372. Wow, this place has not changed a bit.Copy !req
373. - Isn't that sorority row?
- Hmm.Copy !req
374. Let's go check out your house.Copy !req
375. Oh, no, honey. Don't you think we
should get back on the road?Copy !req
376. No, come on. It'll be fun.Copy !req
377. It's just a boring old house.Copy !req
378. Yeah, that's what's up.Copy !req
379. I cannot believe
that they are still doing this.Copy !req
380. What is it?Copy !req
381. Uh, it is the Tri-Pi Chug Run.Copy !req
382. You have to chug
a big pitcher of beer...Copy !req
383. and then you have to get through
the course as fast as you can.Copy !req
384. And you did this?
Because you hardly drink.Copy !req
385. No, yeah. But, honey,
it's for charity, see?Copy !req
386. Hi. Would you like to donate
to ass burgers?Copy !req
387. Oh, no. We're just stopping by.Copy !req
388. I was a Tri-Pi a long time ago, so...Copy !req
389. In fact, the Chug Run was my idea.Copy !req
390. - It was?
- Yeah.Copy !req
391. - Wait, are you Debbie Fletcher?
- Yeah.Copy !req
392. Oh, my shit.Copy !req
393. Oh, my shit! I can't believe it's you!Copy !req
394. Guys, come here! Bring over the book!Copy !req
395. - It's Debbie fucking Fletcher.
- How do you know who I am?Copy !req
396. Oh, my God, are you kidding me?
You're like a legend at Tri-Pi.Copy !req
397. - You're Debbie Do-Anything!
- Debbie Do-Anything?Copy !req
398. - Go play.
- Yeah, look.Copy !req
399. - See?
- Oh, God.Copy !req
400. - Is it true you climbed the clock tower naked?
- Of course not.Copy !req
401. Did you really show your tits
to anyone who asked?Copy !req
402. - Honey, we should go.
- Hang on.Copy !req
403. - I heard you stuck a finger in the dean's dick.
- Did you really burn down Taco Bell?Copy !req
404. I heard you fucked Anthony Hopkins.Copy !req
405. I heard that, if people bop you
on your head...Copy !req
406. gold coins come out of your butt.Copy !req
407. - Okay, ladies, heh.
- What?Copy !req
408. I think I know my wife pretty well, and she
wouldn't have done any of those things.Copy !req
409. But you know what? What's important is
not whether I did them or I didn't do them.Copy !req
410. What's important is that you guys are
idolizing very bad behavior here.Copy !req
411. Uh, ew, you don't sound
like Debbie Do-Anything.Copy !req
412. I had a feeling she was all hype.Copy !req
413. Bet she didn't even come up
with the Chug Run.Copy !req
414. Hey, wait a minute. Excuse me.Copy !req
415. I did come up
with the Chug Run, all right?Copy !req
416. And I ran it.Copy !req
417. - Sure you did.
- No, I did.Copy !req
418. - In 16 seconds, okay?
- Okay, hon.Copy !req
419. - Prove it.
- She can't do it now. She's old.Copy !req
420. Excuse me, girl?Copy !req
421. I didn't mean it like that.
I just mean... you're old.Copy !req
422. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
423. Never heard that laugh before.
I don't like it.Copy !req
424. Hold my bag. Uh-uh.Copy !req
425. Why? You're not actually
going on this thing.Copy !req
426. Yes, I am. This Chug Run raised
thousands of dollars for charity, all right?Copy !req
427. I might not have gotten good grades while
I was here, but at least I did something.Copy !req
428. It sounds like you did a lot.
You stuck your finger in the dean's penis.Copy !req
429. It's not important what I stuck my finger in
and what I burnt down. What is important...Copy !req
430. - is that these bitches are disrespecting me.
- "Bitches"?Copy !req
431. Bring it on.Copy !req
432. No one's calling me old. Fuck you.Copy !req
433. All right, boobs, pitcher. Let's go.
Come on, come on, come on.Copy !req
434. Tri-Pi, motherfuckers!Copy !req
435. Oh, Jesus Christ.Copy !req
436. Three! Two! One!Copy !req
437. Oh, honey.Copy !req
438. What's Mom doing?Copy !req
439. She's, uh, teaching
these bitches a lesson.Copy !req
440. This is the best thing I've ever seen.Copy !req
441. Go! Go! Go!Copy !req
442. Why is she puking so much?Copy !req
443. It's for ass burgers.Copy !req
444. Tri-Pi, motherfuckers.Copy !req
445. Mom, you should try and stay hydrated.Copy !req
446. What? What are you doing?Copy !req
447. How about some tunes?Copy !req
448. Oh, my God. I can't believe it.Copy !req
449. I love this song.Copy !req
450. Guys, it's Seal.Copy !req
451. Heh. Everybody sing it with me.Copy !req
452. There used to be a graying tower
Alone on the seaCopy !req
453. Come on, guys.Copy !req
454. You became
The light on the dark side of meCopy !req
455. Deb?Copy !req
456. Love remained
A drug that's the high and not...Copy !req
457. Guys? No?Copy !req
458. Did you know that when it snowsCopy !req
459. Kevin? James?Copy !req
460. My eyes become largeCopy !req
461. Is this a man or a woman singing?Copy !req
462. It's a man. And the coolest man ever.Copy !req
463. He overcame lupus.Copy !req
464. Baby, I compare you
To a kiss from a rose on the grayCopy !req
465. I can't believe no one
in this family wants to sing.Copy !req
466. stranger it feels, yeah.Copy !req
467. Batman Forever?Copy !req
468. that your rose is in bloomCopy !req
469. Val Kilmer.Copy !req
470. A light hits the gloom on the grayCopy !req
471. He's come back to kill us.Copy !req
472. - Gun it, Russ!
- Gunning it.Copy !req
473. You gotta go faster, Dad! Go faster!Copy !req
474. - The Prancer doesn't go any faster!
- What do we do?Copy !req
475. Maybe if I press this rabbit button...Copy !req
476. - ... it'll give it a boost or something.
- Yes, try it.Copy !req
477. - Why is there a button for that?
- And why is it a rabbit?Copy !req
478. Okay...Copy !req
479. - Uh, rocket. Here you go. Try that.
- Yes.Copy !req
480. What? What's happening?Copy !req
481. - Why am I swiveling?
- I don't know!Copy !req
482. - Grab the wheel!
- It won't stop!Copy !req
483. - Hit the gas! Hit the gas!
- Okay, I'm trying to hit...Copy !req
484. We're gonna die!Copy !req
485. - Okay, I got the wheel. I got the wheel.
- Okay, okay.Copy !req
486. Okay, what are we gonna do?Copy !req
487. - I have an idea.
- What?Copy !req
488. - Handbrake turn.
- What?Copy !req
489. Pull the wheel left, yank the handbrake,
do a 180, cross the median, drive past him.Copy !req
490. - You know how, Dad?
- If Vin Diesel can do it, so can I.Copy !req
491. - Why are you as good as Vin Diesel?
- Hang on.Copy !req
492. That's not what I was trying to do.Copy !req
493. - Everybody okay?
- Oh, shit!Copy !req
494. - Go, Dad! Go, go!
- Oh, my God.Copy !req
495. - Oh, shit!
- Goddamn it.Copy !req
496. All right, boys. This is you.Copy !req
497. - I call both beds.
- You get one bed.Copy !req
498. If you need anything, Mom and I
are next door.Copy !req
499. Oh, uh, I think I saw a hot tub, Dad.
Is it okay if I take a soak?Copy !req
500. Yeah. Yeah, sure.Copy !req
501. But if anyone tries to
shove you in their car...Copy !req
502. give them a good scratch
like I showed you.Copy !req
503. - I will.
- All right.Copy !req
504. - Attaboy.
- Thanks.Copy !req
505. So...Copy !req
506. how come you never told me about
the whole Debbie Do-Anything thing?Copy !req
507. Heh. Come on, that was so long ago.Copy !req
508. Yeah, but it's part of who you are...Copy !req
509. and I wanna know all about you.Copy !req
510. All right. Well, that's fair.
What do you wanna know?Copy !req
511. How many guys did you sleep with
before me?Copy !req
512. No, no, no.Copy !req
513. - No, no, no.
- Oh, come on.Copy !req
514. Come on. That's not important.Copy !req
515. - No, I know. But I'm just...
- You really need to know?Copy !req
516. - It just...
- Oh, okay.Copy !req
517. - I'm just curious.
- Okay, okay.Copy !req
518. Um, let's see.Copy !req
519. And then...Copy !req
520. Kind of taking you a little while, heh.Copy !req
521. Okay, uh, so around...Copy !req
522. - Th...
- Three.Copy !req
523. Three. That's actually reassuring,
because, heh, it's the same as me.Copy !req
524. No, didn't say three.Copy !req
525. Thirteen? Thirteen?Copy !req
526. - Nope.
- And it's not three?Copy !req
527. It's around 30.Copy !req
528. Thirty! Phew.Copy !req
529. Wow, holy cow.Copy !req
530. See, now I feel like you're judging me.Copy !req
531. I'm judging me.Copy !req
532. - Your number is so much higher than mine.
- Yes, it is a big number...Copy !req
533. but it doesn't matter.
Honey, it doesn't matter.Copy !req
534. You're so cool. I feel like a loser.Copy !req
535. You are not a loser, okay?Copy !req
536. Yeah? Because, uh, I had to work pretty hard
just to get those three.Copy !req
537. Had to take care of Jenny's grandfather
for months before she slept with me.Copy !req
538. - And he was racist.
- Please, don't base it on me.Copy !req
539. I was, like, crazy back then.Copy !req
540. I was completely immature
and acting out...Copy !req
541. and just really, like,
free with my body...Copy !req
542. and that's just not who I am anymore.Copy !req
543. That's not who we are.Copy !req
544. Well, we're pretty free with our bodies.Copy !req
545. But you have to admit...Copy !req
546. I feel like we've gotten...Copy !req
547. like, less free with our bodies.Copy !req
548. But we have sex every week
with our bodies.Copy !req
549. We do. But...Copy !req
550. I mean, it's gotten
a little routine, babe.Copy !req
551. You know, you always are lighting
that same Yankee Candle and everything.Copy !req
552. And I don't know, it might be nice to
mix it up a little bit every once in a while.Copy !req
553. Okay? No big deal.Copy !req
554. I'm gonna go take a shower, okay?Copy !req
555. I'm gonna take one with you.Copy !req
556. - Hmm?
- Uh... We'll have sex in it.Copy !req
557. Yeah. In the shower.Copy !req
558. How's that for getting free
with our bodies, Debbie Do-Anything?Copy !req
559. - I like that.
- Yeah.Copy !req
560. Oh, Russ.Copy !req
561. Just be careful not to drop the soap.Copy !req
562. Oh, I won't.Copy !req
563. What?Copy !req
564. - This is fun and different.
- I know. It is.Copy !req
565. You are so cute when you get
excited about stuff.Copy !req
566. You're, like, so cute always.Copy !req
567. Aw, honey.Copy !req
568. Oh, my... Holy shit!
Are those mushrooms?Copy !req
569. Looks like somebody...Copy !req
570. - blew their head off in there.
- Oh, God.Copy !req
571. So should we, uh...?Copy !req
572. Should we get in or...?Copy !req
573. No, right, heh?Copy !req
574. Yeah. I'm gonna see if there's
something to clean that with.Copy !req
575. Hmm. Maybe the housekeeping left a...Copy !req
576. Oh, well, here's a Brillo Pad.Copy !req
577. I'll just...Copy !req
578. - Russ.
- Yeah.Copy !req
579. That's not a Brillo Pad.Copy !req
580. It's a ball of pubic hair.Copy !req
581. - Oh, my gosh.
- There's so much of it.Copy !req
582. Who has that much pubic hair?
It's not even possible.Copy !req
583. No, not one person.
That's all different colors.Copy !req
584. That's from like 30 different guys.Copy !req
585. Oh, shut up, Russ.Copy !req
586. No. I'm sorry.Copy !req
587. Through the curtains
hanging in the windowCopy !req
588. In the evening on a Friday nightCopy !req
589. Little light shining through the windowCopy !req
590. Lets me know everything's
gonna be all rightCopy !req
591. Summer breeze makes me feel fineCopy !req
592. Blowing through the jasmine in my mi...Copy !req
593. You're pretty good.Copy !req
594. Jeez, sorry.Copy !req
595. I, uh, heh, didn't mean to scare you.Copy !req
596. - Hi.
- Hi.Copy !req
597. - You were in the Jeep.
- And you were in that plastic bag.Copy !req
598. That was my stupid brother.Copy !req
599. Gotcha. Big brothers suck.Copy !req
600. Oh, no.Copy !req
601. Yeah, big, heh.Copy !req
602. I'm Adena.Copy !req
603. James.Copy !req
604. - I have a penis.
- What?Copy !req
605. It's on your guitar.Copy !req
606. - Same brother.
- What an asshole.Copy !req
607. Yeah.Copy !req
608. You wanna go in?Copy !req
609. Absolutely.Copy !req
610. Well, what have we here?Copy !req
611. Little Romeo and Juliet situation?Copy !req
612. My name's Russ.
Pleased to meet you both.Copy !req
613. I'm just a stranger,
passing through town.Copy !req
614. But I couldn't help noticing how
incredibly handsome this young man is.Copy !req
615. What's your story? You got a girlfriend?Copy !req
616. No.Copy !req
617. What? No girlfriend?Copy !req
618. Cute boy like that?
Somebody's gonna snatch you up.Copy !req
619. - Do you want me to call the cops?
- No.Copy !req
620. And he plays guitar?Copy !req
621. Dream boy.Copy !req
622. - Make a muscle.
- I'd...Copy !req
623. - Do it.
- ... rather not.Copy !req
624. Take your shirt off. Make a muscle.Copy !req
625. - I really don't want to.
- Don't be shy.Copy !req
626. - Show us what you're working with.
- All right.Copy !req
627. Um, I should go.Copy !req
628. Are you sure that you'll be okay?Copy !req
629. I think so.Copy !req
630. Okay.Copy !req
631. Bye.Copy !req
632. Dang it.Copy !req
633. - Dad, why would you do that?
- Saw you talking to her.Copy !req
634. - Figured you could use a wingman.
- I didn't need a wingman.Copy !req
635. - Well, heh, looks like you did. She left.
- That's because you were approaching...Copy !req
636. You know, James, when I was your age...Copy !req
637. Grandpa Clark sat me down
and we had a little chat.Copy !req
638. Seeing you with that girl made me
realize that we haven't had that chat yet.Copy !req
639. - We don't need that chat.
- Yeah?Copy !req
640. Come on, I know it's embarrassing,
but it'd be a lot more embarrassing...Copy !req
641. if you found yourself tummy to tummy
with a lady friend...Copy !req
642. - and didn't know what goes where.
- I know what goes where.Copy !req
643. - You do?
- Uh-huh.Copy !req
644. - You sure?
- Yep.Copy !req
645. All right, all right.
Well, I just want you to know...Copy !req
646. I'm here to answer any questions
you might have about that stuff.Copy !req
647. No matter how uncomfortable it seems.Copy !req
648. Yeah, okay.Copy !req
649. - Yeah, right. Here it comes.
- Yeah. All right. Okay.Copy !req
650. Uh, there were some kids at school
who were talking about...Copy !req
651. rim jobs.Copy !req
652. - Hmm.
- So, what's that? What's a rim job?Copy !req
653. - Rim jobs.
- Yeah.Copy !req
654. - Is that R-I-M?
- Mm-hm.Copy !req
655. Rim job. Country of origin.Copy !req
656. I don't know. Um, America.Copy !req
657. Can I hear it in a sentence?Copy !req
658. - What's a rim job, Dad?
- Oh.Copy !req
659. Well, rim job.Copy !req
660. I would guess a rim job is when you
kiss someone with your mouth closed.Copy !req
661. Right? So you're only using
the rim of your mouth.Copy !req
662. - That's it?
- Sure.Copy !req
663. It felt like it was something
way dirtier.Copy !req
664. No, I mean, what else could it be?Copy !req
665. Any other questions?Copy !req
666. I guess not.Copy !req
667. Good talk, James.Copy !req
668. Now, I hope you're not too old
to let your dad give you...Copy !req
669. a good-night rim job.Copy !req
670. Looks like we might get to
Aunt Audrey's before dinner.Copy !req
671. Will Uncle Stone be there?Copy !req
672. Yeah, I suppose he will.Copy !req
673. - Uncle Stone is cool.
- You have to be cool to be a celebrity.Copy !req
674. Heh. He's not exactly a celebrity.Copy !req
675. I mean, he's a local weatherman.
That's all.Copy !req
676. Uh, actually, Audrey said that
the networks are interested in him.Copy !req
677. - Yeah?
- Oh, yeah.Copy !req
678. All right. Well, good for him.Copy !req
679. - Think Uncle Stone will let me ride his horse?
- I don't see why not.Copy !req
680. - Do you think I can shoot his guns?
- No, you cannot.Copy !req
681. Too bad. I would've shot you
right off that fucking horse.Copy !req
682. I never would've imagined my sister
marrying such a conservative.Copy !req
683. Yeah, but just because Stone's
political beliefs are different than ours...Copy !req
684. doesn't mean he's not good-looking. I...Copy !req
685. A good person.Copy !req
686. - You said it.
- Uh, honey...Copy !req
687. Hey, look at that!Copy !req
688. Hot springs up ahead.
We've always wanted to do that.Copy !req
689. Oh, honey,
we don't wanna be late to Audrey's.Copy !req
690. So we're a few minutes late.Copy !req
691. We're on vacation. Right? Come on.
Let's have some fun.Copy !req
692. Okay.Copy !req
693. - Oh. Look at the line.
- This will take forever.Copy !req
694. Come on, guys. How often do we get
to soak in hot water?Copy !req
695. Every time we take a bath.Copy !req
696. No, this is different, okay?
This is natural.Copy !req
697. This water was heated
in Mother Nature's bowels.Copy !req
698. Oh. Gross.Copy !req
699. There's gotta be another way in.Copy !req
700. I'm gonna ask this gentleman.
I bet he'd know.Copy !req
701. Excuse me, sir.Copy !req
702. - Hi there.
- Hey. Hi.Copy !req
703. Hey, we were wondering. Is there
another entrance to the hot springs?Copy !req
704. Like a secret entrance the locals use?Copy !req
705. - Line can get pretty long this time of year, huh?
- Yeah. Yeah, it sure can.Copy !req
706. Yeah, I'll tell you what you'll do.Copy !req
707. Uh, can you see that dirt road?
That path there on the left?Copy !req
708. - Yeah.
- If you just follow that all the way up...Copy !req
709. that'll take you to the hot springs.Copy !req
710. All right, perfect. Thank you.Copy !req
711. Oh, no, no. You bet.
Y'all have a good time.Copy !req
712. - Oh, will do, heh.
- Heh.Copy !req
713. Hey, what's your pet rat's name?Copy !req
714. Is my pet what?Copy !req
715. What the fuck? What the fuck?
What the fuck?Copy !req
716. I don't know him.Copy !req
717. Honey, are you sure about this?
I mean, nobody else is going this way.Copy !req
718. Yeah, well, most people think
inside the box.Copy !req
719. But you know who thinks outside the box?Copy !req
720. Uncle Stone?Copy !req
721. Me. Your father.Copy !req
722. Um, honey, I don't see any hot springs.Copy !req
723. Well, the guy said it was
right at the end of this road, so...Copy !req
724. Well, the guy also did not know he had
a rat on his shoulder, so there's that.Copy !req
725. Hold on.Copy !req
726. Wow, honey, this is beautiful.Copy !req
727. - Isn't it?
- Yeah.Copy !req
728. All right, everyone.Copy !req
729. In your bathing suits. Now! Heh.Copy !req
730. Looks like we found our
own private hot spring.Copy !req
731. - I say we call it "Griswold Springs."
- Heh.Copy !req
732. - The water's perfect.
- Oh, my God. It's so nice.Copy !req
733. Why does it smell like rotten eggs?Copy !req
734. - That's the sulfur, buddy. It's natural.
- Yeah.Copy !req
735. Yeah. And it's really good for you too.Copy !req
736. Actually, the minerals that are
in this mud here...Copy !req
737. they draw toxins out of your body.Copy !req
738. Can you believe that?Copy !req
739. Cool, right?Copy !req
740. Oh, wow.Copy !req
741. Mm. This is perfect.Copy !req
742. It's exactly what we needed.Copy !req
743. Oh, yeah. Good call, Griswold.Copy !req
744. - Oh, man.
- Yeah.Copy !req
745. - Oh, yeah. That's it.
- That's it. That's it.Copy !req
746. I can feel my body detoxifying.Copy !req
747. You know...Copy !req
748. it tastes a little shitty, but I think
that's part of it. That's okay.Copy !req
749. This is wonderful.Copy !req
750. That is the stuff.Copy !req
751. What is that, honey?Copy !req
752. On your ear. What's on your ear?Copy !req
753. What is that?Copy !req
754. It's an ear!Copy !req
755. Look, James. Found a dart.Copy !req
756. Are you crazy?Copy !req
757. Oh, my God!
Everybody out of Griswold Springs!Copy !req
758. - Get out of the poop!
- That was nasty!Copy !req
759. All over me!Copy !req
760. I don't like Griswold Springs.Copy !req
761. Is that our car alarm?Copy !req
762. What?Copy !req
763. Ugh. How come that local guy didn't tell us
there are thieves in these woods?Copy !req
764. Oh, right.Copy !req
765. He took my guitar.Copy !req
766. Oh, my God. He took all our money, Russ.Copy !req
767. All right, not a best-case scenario.Copy !req
768. But, hey.Copy !req
769. He left your book.Copy !req
770. So, I guess we get the last laugh.Copy !req
771. Oh, really, honey?Copy !req
772. We're naked and covered in human waste.Copy !req
773. Oh, come on, sweetheart.
We don't know that it's human.Copy !req
774. This is so embarrassing.
I feel like your cousin Eddie's family.Copy !req
775. It's no big deal. We'll just tell
Stone and Audrey what happened.Copy !req
776. Kids, remember what happened?Copy !req
777. We pulled over to rescue a baby
from a burning car...Copy !req
778. and somebody stole all of our stuff
while we were distracted.Copy !req
779. And why are we naked
and covered in feces?Copy !req
780. I don't remember.Copy !req
781. That's right. We don't remember.Copy !req
782. Oh, my God.Copy !req
783. Oh, come on.Copy !req
784. - What're we gonna do?
- Can you give me a hand with this? Please?Copy !req
785. Just... Yeah.Copy !req
786. Oh, gosh.Copy !req
787. - I can't. I can't get it off.
- Just use your spit.Copy !req
788. Oh, okay.Copy !req
789. Focus on the balls.Copy !req
790. If you guys wanna stop,
that'd be good too.Copy !req
791. Stay on the balls. I've got the shaft.Copy !req
792. Hi, y'all!Copy !req
793. Hey. Oh, my goodness. Hi.Copy !req
794. What happened?Copy !req
795. Well, that's a...Copy !req
796. It's a crazy story...Copy !req
797. Dad got scammed by a guy at a park.Copy !req
798. - Kevin.
- Same old Rusty.Copy !req
799. You'd buy water from a faucet.Copy !req
800. Anyway, you guys look disgusting.Copy !req
801. I have some clothes
I was gonna give to the church...Copy !req
802. if you guys wanna borrow some of those.Copy !req
803. - Great. Thank you, Audrey.
- Yeah.Copy !req
804. - Come on inside.
- All right.Copy !req
805. Boy, y'all stink.Copy !req
806. Oh, I don't like that.Copy !req
807. Man, this place makes our house
look like shit.Copy !req
808. Well, Kevin, that's only because a dollar goes
much further out here than it does in Chicago.Copy !req
809. Especially when you make a
lot more of them, heh.Copy !req
810. Just messing with you.Copy !req
811. Shoot, you boys are growing faster
than a weed under a faucet.Copy !req
812. - You still rassling, son?
- Uh-huh.Copy !req
813. Uh-huh. Oh, come on.
Show me what you got.Copy !req
814. - Hey, Kevin. Get off your brother, please.
- They're just having themselves a rassle.Copy !req
815. - It's what brothers do.
- Hey, oh, look at you guys.Copy !req
816. Hot damn. Debbie Griswold.
You just keep getting prettier.Copy !req
817. - Oh, stop.
- No, I mean it.Copy !req
818. You could make hot water
come out of the cold faucet.Copy !req
819. Oh, heh. That's very sweet.Copy !req
820. You know, I remember the night
you first wore that dress.Copy !req
821. - You remember that night?
- I remember that night.Copy !req
822. - I'll never forget that night.
- Neither will I, baby.Copy !req
823. You're my fucking husband.Copy !req
824. Oh, betcha, I am. I'm your caveman.Copy !req
825. I'll rip you in half.Copy !req
826. I wanna have all your babies.Copy !req
827. Oh, baby.Copy !req
828. I hit the fucking jackpot with you.Copy !req
829. Oh, God, what I'm gonna do
to you tonight.Copy !req
830. Who wants to see Stone's man cave?Copy !req
831. Yeah.Copy !req
832. Is this Charlton Heston?Copy !req
833. Yep, Chuck was a good friend.Copy !req
834. I can't tell you how many nights
we spent drinking bourbon together...Copy !req
835. crying about the state of this country.Copy !req
836. It's true, they did.
They literally cried together.Copy !req
837. Hmm. Somehow I don't see you
crying, though, Stone.Copy !req
838. Yeah, that's, uh...Copy !req
839. That's kind of embarrassing, right?Copy !req
840. Not embarrassing to me.Copy !req
841. Even the strongest faucet
sometimes lets out a few drops, heh.Copy !req
842. What is with these faucets?Copy !req
843. Everyone thought that F-4 twister...Copy !req
844. - was gonna bypass Harris County.
- Not my Stone.Copy !req
845. I had a feeling that that low-pressure system
was gonna make a beeline for Mission Bend.Copy !req
846. Thanks to my report, those people had
an extra 15 minutes to evacuate.Copy !req
847. - Ah.
- Governor Perry said he saved 2000 lives.Copy !req
848. That's how many we lost
at Pearl Harbor...Copy !req
849. so basically he stopped Pearl Harbor.Copy !req
850. That's when the national news called.
Now, between us...Copy !req
851. it's looking good. Ain't it, honey?Copy !req
852. Course none of that would've been
possible without my sugar mama here...Copy !req
853. working day and night to put me
through meteorology school.Copy !req
854. I liked working, baby.
I didn't mind it one bit.Copy !req
855. Well, you never have
to do it again, darling.Copy !req
856. But it kind of gave me purpose.Copy !req
857. Nope, never again. That is a promise.Copy !req
858. Wow, Uncle Stone, I may not agree
with your politics...Copy !req
859. - but that doesn't mean I don't admire you.
- Well, thank you.Copy !req
860. But the man you should admire the most
is sitting right next to you.Copy !req
861. But there's nobody there.Copy !req
862. Oh, I don't mean that chair.
I mean your pa right here.Copy !req
863. Okay, heh.Copy !req
864. - He doesn't save anybody's life.
- Doesn't he?Copy !req
865. Well, every time he flies that little plane
of his, he's saving lives by not crashing.Copy !req
866. And in my book...Copy !req
867. that makes him a hero.Copy !req
868. Thank you.
You know, a lot of people actually...Copy !req
869. Not to mention, he also snagged himself
one sweet slice of foxy pie in your mama there.Copy !req
870. You gotta stop that today. Stop it.Copy !req
871. You know what I always wanted
to know was...Copy !req
872. when did you first know the weather?Copy !req
873. You all right, Deb?Copy !req
874. - What?
- Hey, there's a cow.Copy !req
875. Oh, not a cow. That's a steer.Copy !req
876. That there is $6000 worth of juicy,
purebred Angus beef.Copy !req
877. It's Stone's new passion, raising cattle.
He's even named them.Copy !req
878. Uh-huh. Old Sebastian here
loves him some ribs.Copy !req
879. Here you go, boy.Copy !req
880. Yeah. Oh, that's it.Copy !req
881. - Dad, isn't that...?
- Cannibalism? Yeah.Copy !req
882. You boys get up early tomorrow, you can
watch me herd these suckers into the corral.Copy !req
883. - Oh!
- Wait a minute, wait a minute.Copy !req
884. You herd them yourself?Copy !req
885. Heh, I'm a man, aren't I?Copy !req
886. Yes.Copy !req
887. Uh, hey, Stone, not sure if you need
a hand out there, but I'd love to help.Copy !req
888. Sure thing. If you're up for it
I can always use an extra set of hands.Copy !req
889. Well, I was born
with an extra set of hands.Copy !req
890. That's an odd thing to say, heh.Copy !req
891. But I reckon this'll be
the highlight of your trip.Copy !req
892. Well, the real highlight, of course,
will be when we get to Walley World...Copy !req
893. and I take my family
on the Velociraptor.Copy !req
894. I think it is so weird. I don't know why
you want to go back to Walley World...Copy !req
895. after Dad flipped out there.Copy !req
896. Audrey, Dad flipped out because
he loved us and wanted us to be close.Copy !req
897. And we were.
And that's all I want for my family.Copy !req
898. You're such a clown.Copy !req
899. You're a clown.Copy !req
900. Babe, baby, I think Rusty's right.Copy !req
901. You know, family is the most
important thing there is.Copy !req
902. Little something...Copy !req
903. Maybe we'll take baby Cooper
on a trip this summer.Copy !req
904. Yeah, not to Walley World.Copy !req
905. - Oh, God, no.
- Because that'd be stupid.Copy !req
906. That'd be stupid. How about Paris?Copy !req
907. And then we get back
I can maybe get a part-time job?Copy !req
908. Well, not while there's breath
in my body, sweetheart.Copy !req
909. You know, honey, I am really happy
for your sister.Copy !req
910. - Yeah?
- Seriously.Copy !req
911. She and Stone seem really in love.
It's nice.Copy !req
912. These pants Stone gave me are really
stretched out in the crotch.Copy !req
913. Weird. Why would they be
stretched out in the...?Copy !req
914. - God, I don't know.
- Holy shit.Copy !req
915. How much you think they paid
for this house?Copy !req
916. Whoa. Oh, okay, whoa.Copy !req
917. Oh, should I see if Audrey has
a Yankee Candle?Copy !req
918. Fuck the Yankee Candle.
I wanna do this now.Copy !req
919. - Oh, God, you're so sexy. Oh, my God.
- Oh, what has gotten into you?Copy !req
920. What? What, what?Copy !req
921. This is because of him, isn't it?Copy !req
922. What? Who?Copy !req
923. Because of who?Copy !req
924. Because of Stone.Copy !req
925. - What?
- That's why you're jumping my bones.Copy !req
926. - You're thinking of him.
- That's ridiculous.Copy !req
927. Then how come the one night
we're with him...Copy !req
928. - you turn into some kind of sexual character?
- I don't know where you're going with this...Copy !req
929. - Where's your wedding ring?
- Oh, my God.Copy !req
930. Before we got here, you took off
your wedding ring?Copy !req
931. No, I didn't, Rusty. It was loose.Copy !req
932. You remember how loose it was?Copy !req
933. And I must've just dropped it somewhere.Copy !req
934. What was the plan? Show up
with no ring, he'll think you're single?Copy !req
935. How will he think I'm single
if I'm here with my husband?Copy !req
936. I don't know. It was your plan.Copy !req
937. It was not my pl... Okay.Copy !req
938. Yes, Stone is an impressive man, okay?Copy !req
939. But I married you, Rusty.Copy !req
940. And I am so sorry that I lost my ring...Copy !req
941. but I would never, ever, ever
take it off on purpose.Copy !req
942. I know, I know. I just...Copy !req
943. I freaked out. I'm sorry. I just...Copy !req
944. We'll get you another ring.Copy !req
945. I liked that one.Copy !req
946. Hey, y'all decent?Copy !req
947. - Yes. Hi.
- Hey.Copy !req
948. Okay. Just wanted to make sure y'all
had everything you needed for the night.Copy !req
949. Yep.Copy !req
950. All right.Copy !req
951. Man, it sure is beautiful here
this time of year, ain't it?Copy !req
952. And quiet. Listen.Copy !req
953. You hear that?Copy !req
954. - No.
- Exactly. It's perfect silence.Copy !req
955. Hmm.Copy !req
956. Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
957. Well, uh, TV remote.
Okay, let me show you.Copy !req
958. I've got, uh, channels...Copy !req
959. and the volume.Copy !req
960. On. Off.Copy !req
961. - Pretty straightforward.
- Yeah.Copy !req
962. - Yeah.
- Great.Copy !req
963. All right.Copy !req
964. Well, uh, if you get thirsty,
there's fresh milk in the fridge...Copy !req
965. and have yourselves a good night.Copy !req
966. - Uh-huh.
- Okay.Copy !req
967. - Night, Stone.
- Good night, Stone.Copy !req
968. Man.Copy !req
969. Yeah.Copy !req
970. Okay.Copy !req
971. He totally just came in here
to show off his six-pack.Copy !req
972. Hey, morning.Copy !req
973. Ugh, barely.Copy !req
974. How come you gotta do this at 6 a.m.?Copy !req
975. Well, I gotta be
at the station by 7:30...Copy !req
976. for Stone Crandall's AccuWeather Report.Copy !req
977. Hey, you ever ride one of these things?Copy !req
978. No, never have.Copy !req
979. But, uh, can't imagine it's more
complicated than an Airbus A318.Copy !req
980. Heh, yeah, well, that's the spirit.Copy !req
981. Now, the key here is to move
back and forth along the edge of the herd.Copy !req
982. You keep your distance, though.
You don't want to spook them.Copy !req
983. Got it.Copy !req
984. Okay.Copy !req
985. Are there helmets?Copy !req
986. Yeah, I keep them with the tampons.Copy !req
987. Just basic safety.Copy !req
988. This is exciting!Copy !req
989. It's my favorite way to start the day.Copy !req
990. This, and making love to your sister.Copy !req
991. Thank you for that.Copy !req
992. Come on, let's go!Copy !req
993. It looks like we got us
a couple of mavericks.Copy !req
994. You take the one on the left.
I'll take the one on the right.Copy !req
995. Unless you need my help with yours.Copy !req
996. No, I think I got it.Copy !req
997. Last one to the corral's
a rotten cowpoke.Copy !req
998. Let's go!Copy !req
999. Go! Get up! Get up! Get up! Let's go!Copy !req
1000. Whoa!Copy !req
1001. Hey!Copy !req
1002. Holy shit!Copy !req
1003. Oh, my gosh!Copy !req
1004. Is the cow okay?Copy !req
1005. No, the cow's not okay, Russ.
You drove plumb through him.Copy !req
1006. Oh, no, Sebastian.Copy !req
1007. Gross.Copy !req
1008. Hey, gang, uh...Copy !req
1009. Maybe for lunch we could find
a burger place.Copy !req
1010. You know, like a, uh...Copy !req
1011. Like a drive-through burger place.Copy !req
1012. I don't know, Dad.
I think we should, uh...Copy !req
1013. steer clear of that.Copy !req
1014. - Good one, James.
- All right, enough, you guys.Copy !req
1015. Dad hit a cow, okay? Let's just move on.Copy !req
1016. - Oh, I got one.
- Yeah? Let's hear it.Copy !req
1017. James is a piece of shit.Copy !req
1018. You kind of missed
the point there, buddy.Copy !req
1019. - Hey, hey.
- What? What is it? What's wrong?Copy !req
1020. - Is everything okay?
- Yeah.Copy !req
1021. - No, nothing's wrong.
- Okay.Copy !req
1022. - Well, what?
- I have an idea.Copy !req
1023. And it's gonna sound crazy,
but hear me out, okay?Copy !req
1024. - Okay.
- Okay.Copy !req
1025. We're right near
the Four Corners Monument...Copy !req
1026. which is where four states
come together in one spot.Copy !req
1027. - So?
- Let's go have sex on it.Copy !req
1028. What? Heh.Copy !req
1029. Yeah, that way we can make love in
four states at the same time.Copy !req
1030. Wait.Copy !req
1031. You're serious?Copy !req
1032. Yeah. I mean, you're the one who
said we should mix it up.Copy !req
1033. What's more mixed-up than sex
on a public monument?Copy !req
1034. Um, pretty sure Debbie Do-Anything
would do it.Copy !req
1035. Okay, well, Debbie Do-Anything
was a dumb-ass.Copy !req
1036. Maybe that's what we need.Copy !req
1037. To be dumbasses together.Copy !req
1038. What about the kids?Copy !req
1039. Well, Kevin's kind of a dumb-ass.Copy !req
1040. No, no, honey.Copy !req
1041. What are we gonna do about them?Copy !req
1042. They're fine. They're fast asleep.Copy !req
1043. We'll be back
before they know we're gone.Copy !req
1044. - Okay.
- Yeah?Copy !req
1045. All right, let's do it.Copy !req
1046. Mom?Copy !req
1047. Dad?Copy !req
1048. - James?
- Mom?Copy !req
1049. - Adena?
- Are you, like, stalking me or something?Copy !req
1050. No. What? No.Copy !req
1051. I'm kidding.Copy !req
1052. - Relax, heh.
- Oh!Copy !req
1053. Hey, what happened with that perv
who was hitting on you in Arkansas?Copy !req
1054. That was actually my dad.Copy !req
1055. He was trying to be my wingman.Copy !req
1056. Oh, my God.Copy !req
1057. He's a really shitty wingman.Copy !req
1058. So no guitar tonight?Copy !req
1059. It got stolen.Copy !req
1060. That sucks.Copy !req
1061. I really liked hearing you play.Copy !req
1062. You did?Copy !req
1063. Yeah, I've always had
a thing for musicians.Copy !req
1064. Well, good...Copy !req
1065. because I've always had a thing for...Copy !req
1066. pretty girls.Copy !req
1067. Well played.Copy !req
1068. See? You don't need a wingman.Copy !req
1069. Here it is.Copy !req
1070. Oh, my God. This is so illegal.Copy !req
1071. - I know, it's so hot, right?
- Yeah.Copy !req
1072. I am hard as a faucet right now.Copy !req
1073. - I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- Oh. No. I like it.Copy !req
1074. - Yeah?
- Yeah.Copy !req
1075. - Yeah?
- I do.Copy !req
1076. - You like it when I slap that ass?
- I do, I do, heh.Copy !req
1077. - Good. I'm gonna beat the shit out of your ass.
- Whoa, Russ.Copy !req
1078. Okay, right here?Copy !req
1079. - We're about to have sex outside.
- I know. Heh, I know.Copy !req
1080. - Do you want me to put a finger in?
- In what?Copy !req
1081. - Never mind.
- Okay, okay.Copy !req
1082. Y'all wanna keep it down?Copy !req
1083. - Yeah! Yeah!
- Hey, watch it, man!Copy !req
1084. - Get your leg off me!
- You're so slippery and sweaty!Copy !req
1085. If you're here to have sex on the Corners,
we're next. Get in line.Copy !req
1086. - Oh, my gosh.
- Oh, God.Copy !req
1087. Oh, God!Copy !req
1088. Oh, God! They're in every state!Copy !req
1089. So many boobies out here!Copy !req
1090. You two! Freeze!Copy !req
1091. Go, go, go!Copy !req
1092. Hands up!Copy !req
1093. - Run! Honey, run!
- Get your shoe!Copy !req
1094. Drop the flashlight!Copy !req
1095. You do know public indecency
is a crime in the state of Utah?Copy !req
1096. Yes. Sorry, officer.Copy !req
1097. - See, we're married, and we wanted to just...
- Save it for the judge.Copy !req
1098. It makes me sick how you deviants show up
and desecrate this holy place every night.Copy !req
1099. - Turn around. Hands behind your back.
- What?Copy !req
1100. Not so fast, Tommy.Copy !req
1101. Shoot for sherbet.
What are you doing here, Kyle?Copy !req
1102. These people are clearly in the state
of Colorado. That's my jurisdiction.Copy !req
1103. Juris-dick in my ass, Kyle.Copy !req
1104. Look at her left foot.
Smack-dab in Arizona.Copy !req
1105. You weed-legalizing,
Mile-High piece of shit.Copy !req
1106. - Hey, there's no reason for that language.
- Sorry, Officer Mormon.Copy !req
1107. You don't like that? I have an idea.Copy !req
1108. Why don't you plug up your ears
with Mitt Romney's dick?Copy !req
1109. - Ha, ha.
- Hey.Copy !req
1110. Oh, looks like New Mexico decided
to wake up from his siesta.Copy !req
1111. - What's the trouble?
- Tell you what the trouble is, dreamcatcher.Copy !req
1112. You are wearing entirely too much
goddamn turquoise.Copy !req
1113. Hey, we can do this without...Copy !req
1114. - disrespecting each other's traditions.
- Oh, go fuck your wives, Tommy.Copy !req
1115. This is what I'm telling you.
Every night we do this.Copy !req
1116. You know what this border represents?
It's just an idea. That's all I'm saying.Copy !req
1117. - If it's just an idea, then I'll just get the perp...
- Ah! My house!Copy !req
1118. - Hey!
- Stay out of my state.Copy !req
1119. - What are you gonna do now?
- Get your feet off of my state!Copy !req
1120. You wanna stomp on my foot?Copy !req
1121. - You back...
- Is that what you want?Copy !req
1122. Hey, I wasn't even in it!Copy !req
1123. Don't you kick in here! Don't start...Copy !req
1124. How about this, then, huh?Copy !req
1125. - We got a live weapon!
- Oh, shit! Oh, shit!Copy !req
1126. - Think I'm afraid of that?
- I'm not afraid of you.Copy !req
1127. - How about that, huh?
- Oh, yeah, like I'm afraid?Copy !req
1128. - Are we...? I don't want it in my mouth.
- Let's not do that.Copy !req
1129. - I'll take that all in, dude.
- That's enough! Everyone get down!Copy !req
1130. - Get down on the ground! Get down!
- Get down! Get down on the ground!Copy !req
1131. I'm cooperating!
I'm the one who's cooperating!Copy !req
1132. - You get down too. You get down too.
- Get down on the ground!Copy !req
1133. - Hands where?
- Your right side.Copy !req
1134. - Sides or front?
- Side to side.Copy !req
1135. - Let's do this.
- Everyone down?Copy !req
1136. - Okay.
- I think I'm done.Copy !req
1137. You can really see
all the stars out here.Copy !req
1138. Yeah.Copy !req
1139. So, what do you feel like doing?Copy !req
1140. Heh. I don't know.Copy !req
1141. Can I give you a rim job?Copy !req
1142. - Whoa.
- No.Copy !req
1143. - What?
- I don't know.Copy !req
1144. - What's wrong with you?
- I don't know. I'm sorry.Copy !req
1145. What did you wanna do?Copy !req
1146. I don't know.
I thought maybe we could...Copy !req
1147. kiss or something?Copy !req
1148. Well, yeah, that's what I thought I...Copy !req
1149. Yeah. Okay.Copy !req
1150. Ow.Copy !req
1151. Where's Mom and Dad, dork?Copy !req
1152. I don't know.
Just go back inside the thing.Copy !req
1153. You were about to let
that dingus kiss you?Copy !req
1154. Shut up, Kevin.Copy !req
1155. - Who is that?
- My stupid little brother.Copy !req
1156. I thought you said
he was your big brother.Copy !req
1157. - I... Damn it!
- Dingus.Copy !req
1158. - Why do you take that from him?
- Am I supposed to hit him back?Copy !req
1159. - He's a little kid.
- He's a little shit.Copy !req
1160. - You don't have to let him push you around.
- I kind of thought I was taking the high road.Copy !req
1161. Yeah, that seems
to be working out for you.Copy !req
1162. You know what?Copy !req
1163. Fuck it.Copy !req
1164. Okay, so you wanna do this now?Copy !req
1165. Bring it, bitch.Copy !req
1166. Wait, what?Copy !req
1167. No, no, no.Copy !req
1168. Wow, this is so easy.
You are such a little boy.Copy !req
1169. Unh! There's gonna be a few changes,
all right? No more bullying.Copy !req
1170. - Stop it. I'm telling Mom.
- Shut your mouth.Copy !req
1171. You gonna stop bullying?Copy !req
1172. You're hurting my tummy.Copy !req
1173. Say you're gonna stop,
you little piece of...Copy !req
1174. - ass.
- Wait, what?Copy !req
1175. - "Piece of ass"?
- You know what I mean.Copy !req
1176. What are you doing to my face?Copy !req
1177. - This hurts, doesn't it?
- Dude.Copy !req
1178. - How do you like your ears getting messed up?
- It's really not that bad.Copy !req
1179. - I'll tap you on the forehead.
- That's not how you beat someone up.Copy !req
1180. Very dehumanizing.Copy !req
1181. Your forehead's gonna be so sore.Copy !req
1182. Stop it! What are you doing?Copy !req
1183. - How do you like your lips getting tickled?
- This is really weird.Copy !req
1184. Just smush your cheeks.Copy !req
1185. - You gonna stop bullying?
- Fine, I'll stop bullying. Just stop doing this.Copy !req
1186. Thank you, Adena.Copy !req
1187. This has been...Copy !req
1188. the best night of my life.Copy !req
1189. Weird fucking family.Copy !req
1190. Well, that was awful.Copy !req
1191. At least the kids never woke up.Copy !req
1192. Passengers on the left side
of the Prancer will notice...Copy !req
1193. the Grand Canyon out the window.Copy !req
1194. That's right.
Last stop before Walley World.Copy !req
1195. So, guys...Copy !req
1196. when we visited the Grand Canyon
when I was a kid...Copy !req
1197. we barely had a chance to look at it.Copy !req
1198. This time...Copy !req
1199. we're gonna do a whole lot more
than look.Copy !req
1200. - Oh, cool.
- Sweet.Copy !req
1201. Hi, folks! Hi!Copy !req
1202. All right, let's see,
who do we got here?Copy !req
1203. You must be...Copy !req
1204. the Fung family.Copy !req
1205. Huh?Copy !req
1206. I'm just messing!
You're the Griswolds, right?Copy !req
1207. Yes, that's right.Copy !req
1208. Heh, right. The little guy's face
was like, "Fungs?"Copy !req
1209. Anyway, I'm Chad.
I'm gonna be your guide.Copy !req
1210. - Okay. Hi, Chad.
- You couldn't have come on a better day.Copy !req
1211. I'll get you all geared up.Copy !req
1212. And, guess what, the river's
running way high...Copy !req
1213. so I think we're in for
a pretty sweet ride, guys.Copy !req
1214. - Let's roll.
- All right.Copy !req
1215. Let's do this.Copy !req
1216. Okay, gang, joke time is over.
Let's get serious for a second.Copy !req
1217. Go over a couple safety procedures
before we hit the water.Copy !req
1218. First off, do any of you know this river?
Because this is actually my first time.Copy !req
1219. I'm kidding, ha, ha.Copy !req
1220. Been doing this about three and a half years.
Know the river inside and out.Copy !req
1221. Got my guide certificate from
a Cracker Jack box.Copy !req
1222. Guys, it's a joke.
See the little kid's face? He's all:Copy !req
1223. "A Cracker Jack box? A what?"Copy !req
1224. All you gotta do
is follow my instructions...Copy !req
1225. and we got a 50-50 chance
of coming back alive.Copy !req
1226. I'm kidding, guys.
See the little kid's face, he's all:Copy !req
1227. "I'm coming back alive!
I don't wanna die!"Copy !req
1228. Sorry, hang on a second.
I'm getting a call from my fiancée here.Copy !req
1229. Just got engaged two weeks ago,
so I think I'm gonna take this...Copy !req
1230. or the river's not gonna be the only
hot water I'm in today.Copy !req
1231. River's actually very cold.Copy !req
1232. Hey, boo.Copy !req
1233. - Wow, this is awesome.
- Ah.Copy !req
1234. We're about to set sail through one of
America's greatest aquatic treasures.Copy !req
1235. - Kevin, don't hit your brother.
- I didn't.Copy !req
1236. You heard what he said
about the "aquatic treasures," right?Copy !req
1237. - Yeah.
- And you didn't wanna hit him?Copy !req
1238. - Well, that's progress.
- Wow.Copy !req
1239. I don't understand, though.
Like, what are you even saying?Copy !req
1240. But just like that?Copy !req
1241. I love you. You love me.Copy !req
1242. Tanya, please. Please, just let's
think about this for a second, honey.Copy !req
1243. You're all that I have in this world.
Tanya, no, babe.Copy !req
1244. No, Tanya, no. Please, don't hang up.
No, no! Goddamn it!Copy !req
1245. Who's ready to go on the river?Copy !req
1246. Um, are you okay, Chad?Copy !req
1247. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
1248. Turns out I'm not engaged anymore.Copy !req
1249. So...Copy !req
1250. All aboard.Copy !req
1251. I don't know about this, Russ.Copy !req
1252. Oh, come on.Copy !req
1253. He's kidding.Copy !req
1254. Get it together!Copy !req
1255. Oh, shit.Copy !req
1256. Everybody out of the boat.Copy !req
1257. Can we go home now?Copy !req
1258. What?Copy !req
1259. We're a day away from Walley World.Copy !req
1260. Dad, I don't think any of us
really care about Walley World.Copy !req
1261. The boys are right, Russ. I mean,
we almost died back there.Copy !req
1262. I mean, isn't it time that we just
cut our losses?Copy !req
1263. I cannot believe what I'm hearing.Copy !req
1264. Oh, my God.Copy !req
1265. Huh! All right, that has to be a sign, right?
We were meant to finish this trip.Copy !req
1266. Come on, guys,
everybody sing it with me.Copy !req
1267. There used to be a graying tower
Alone on the seaCopy !req
1268. We're losing the station.Copy !req
1269. - We're not losing anything.
- Yes...Copy !req
1270. We just have to listen a little harder!Copy !req
1271. Love remained
A drug...Copy !req
1272. Okay, no, no, no. It's gone. It's gone.Copy !req
1273. - Just let it go.
- Fine.Copy !req
1274. Just thought we could all sing Seal
together like normal families do.Copy !req
1275. - Oh, crap.
- Now what?Copy !req
1276. - We're almost out of gas.
- Oh, my God.Copy !req
1277. It's all right.Copy !req
1278. I'm sure we will find a place to fill up
around here before we run out.Copy !req
1279. Man.Copy !req
1280. No signal at all.Copy !req
1281. Wonder if the Prancer has
roadside assistance.Copy !req
1282. - How would we even call them?
- Maybe it's one of the buttons on the fob.Copy !req
1283. Seriously? You're gonna keep
pressing buttons?Copy !req
1284. - Well, we never tried the top hat.
- Oh, jeez.Copy !req
1285. Oh, my God!Copy !req
1286. Well, now we know what the top hat does.Copy !req
1287. I'm not gonna do the swastika.
All that's left is the muffin.Copy !req
1288. Come on, muffin.Copy !req
1289. - What?
- It started.Copy !req
1290. - Yes.
- All right.Copy !req
1291. Oh, must be the extra gas tank.Copy !req
1292. - Right?
- The muffin.Copy !req
1293. Dad to the rescue.Copy !req
1294. Thank God. Wait, where's it going?Copy !req
1295. Wait! Wait a minute!Copy !req
1296. - Make it stop!
- I don't know how!Copy !req
1297. I'll hit the muffin again!Copy !req
1298. - All right, we can handle this.
- Oh, no, no, no. Please, don't say that.Copy !req
1299. Do not say that we
can handle this, Russ. Okay?Copy !req
1300. - We can.
- No, we can't!Copy !req
1301. We can't!Copy !req
1302. From the moment we left for this trip,
nothing has gone right.Copy !req
1303. Can you please just admit that
this was a mistake?Copy !req
1304. But it wasn't. Right?
We all wanted to go.Copy !req
1305. - I didn't.
- Me neither.Copy !req
1306. Me neither.Copy !req
1307. You wanted to go.Copy !req
1308. All right, I think tempers are getting
a little hot right now. We just have to, uh...Copy !req
1309. We just all have to...Copy !req
1310. Fuck me!Copy !req
1311. I give up!Copy !req
1312. All I wanted to do was take
my fucking family...Copy !req
1313. on a fucking trip to Walley World,
and ride the fucking Velociraptor!Copy !req
1314. Ow. There's a rock in that.Copy !req
1315. I guess I'm the asshole for trying to
bring my family closer together.Copy !req
1316. What do I get? Kids who don't wanna be
with me, and a wife who's miserable.Copy !req
1317. - Russ...
- Oh, come on, Debbie.Copy !req
1318. You know it's true. You think you settled
for me. You think I'm a loser regional pilot.Copy !req
1319. Well, guess what.Copy !req
1320. I get offers from international
carriers all the time...Copy !req
1321. and I turn them down. Why?Copy !req
1322. I don't wanna be away from you
and the kids that long.Copy !req
1323. I'm an idiot.Copy !req
1324. I should take one of those jobs
and fly off to the Pyramids of Zambezi...Copy !req
1325. and the Lost Gardens of...Copy !req
1326. wherever the fuck!Copy !req
1327. Just forget it.Copy !req
1328. Forget this whole stupid trip.Copy !req
1329. You people are on your own.Copy !req
1330. I'm sure you'll find a better
husband and father.Copy !req
1331. A cowboy with a huge six-pack...Copy !req
1332. who will take you to Paris...Copy !req
1333. and wrestling...Copy !req
1334. and books.Copy !req
1335. What...?Copy !req
1336. Wait, where are you going?Copy !req
1337. Fuck if I know!Copy !req
1338. Ow. God!Copy !req
1339. These tumbleweeds are all filled
with things that are hard!Copy !req
1340. What the...?Copy !req
1341. Oh, no.Copy !req
1342. Help.Copy !req
1343. Help.Copy !req
1344. Help!Copy !req
1345. Help!Copy !req
1346. Stop!Copy !req
1347. Come on. Go, go, go.Copy !req
1348. Help!Copy !req
1349. No!Copy !req
1350. Help!Copy !req
1351. - Don't you kill him!
- Dad!Copy !req
1352. I'm so sorry.Copy !req
1353. When I called you a pedophile, I was...Copy !req
1354. No! No, no, no!Copy !req
1355. No! Not in front of my family!Copy !req
1356. Your wife left this
in a truck stop in Missouri.Copy !req
1357. Thought you might want it back.Copy !req
1358. Oh, my God.Copy !req
1359. Wait, wait.Copy !req
1360. Is that my ring?Copy !req
1361. This man's been trying to return it
to us the whole time.Copy !req
1362. I don't know how I could ever thank you.Copy !req
1363. No thanks necessary.Copy !req
1364. - It was on my way.
- So you're not a rapist?Copy !req
1365. Looks like your car's pretty messed up.Copy !req
1366. Where you headed?Copy !req
1367. Um...Copy !req
1368. Home, I guess.Copy !req
1369. Well, I can take you as far as
San Francisco. Will that help?Copy !req
1370. Yeah. Yeah, that'll work.Copy !req
1371. Thank you.Copy !req
1372. All right, come on, guys.Copy !req
1373. Thank you.Copy !req
1374. - He still didn't answer me.
- Oh, Kevin.Copy !req
1375. Well, thanks for the ride.
Really appreciate it.Copy !req
1376. You never told us why you keep
that teddy bear on the front of your truck.Copy !req
1377. - Oh, yeah.
- It makes the kids feel more comfortable.Copy !req
1378. Oh, yeah? You have kids?Copy !req
1379. Nope.Copy !req
1380. Right. Take care.Copy !req
1381. Well, I guess that's that.Copy !req
1382. Yeah. We'll get a flight home tomorrow.Copy !req
1383. Do not stay here.
Worst bed and breakfast we've been to.Copy !req
1384. They ought to shut this place down.
The owner is a lunatic.Copy !req
1385. You all come back now, you hear?Copy !req
1386. Hey, look who made it.Copy !req
1387. Ellen! Oh, there you are. They're here.Copy !req
1388. Hi, Dad.Copy !req
1389. - We were so happy to get that call.
- Hi.Copy !req
1390. How was your trip?Copy !req
1391. - It's a long story.
- Give me a hug.Copy !req
1392. - Hi, Grandpa.
- Oh. Come here, you two.Copy !req
1393. Oh, my gosh. You're getting so big.Copy !req
1394. - Come on, let's go inside.
- Grandpa, you don't have to.Copy !req
1395. - No, I can do it. Really.
- Russ.Copy !req
1396. - Clark.
- Oh, no. I got this.Copy !req
1397. I'm fine.Copy !req
1398. This really hurts.Copy !req
1399. Then the muffin made the car explode,
but it didn't matter.Copy !req
1400. Our luggage and all of our stuff
was already stolen...Copy !req
1401. - by the guy with the rat on his shoulder.
- Even took my guitar.Copy !req
1402. Oh, James, that's terrible.Copy !req
1403. A musician without his instrument is
as bad as...Copy !req
1404. a shoemaker without a toilet seat.Copy !req
1405. Ah, I may have something for you.Copy !req
1406. It's very fragile. Look.Copy !req
1407. - You take care of that.
- Wow, Grandpa.Copy !req
1408. Thank you so much.Copy !req
1409. - Cool.
- Yeah.Copy !req
1410. Doesn't look like much,
but that's a very special guitar.Copy !req
1411. - It was given to me by Bob Dillon.
- The Bob Dylan?Copy !req
1412. No, a Bob Dillon.Copy !req
1413. D-I-L-L-O-N.Copy !req
1414. - An accountant friend of mine.
- Oh.Copy !req
1415. But it was given to him
by Jimmy Hendricks.Copy !req
1416. - The Jimi Hendrix?
- No.Copy !req
1417. So how's the B-and-B business going?Copy !req
1418. Oh, we love it, are you kidding?
It's a great fit for us. We love visitors.Copy !req
1419. We love having people around
to care for. We're people people.Copy !req
1420. - Hey, guys. You mind if we join you?
- We're occupied right now. Beat it.Copy !req
1421. Ah, it's getting late. Go to bed, okay?Copy !req
1422. - Okay.
- Yeah. I'll run you upstairs.Copy !req
1423. - Good night, Grandma and Grandpa. Thank you.
- Nighty-night. Sleep tight.Copy !req
1424. Ah, well, you've certainly
had an adventure.Copy !req
1425. Well, yes. "Adventure"
is one way to put it.Copy !req
1426. - How's Audrey?
- Oh, she's great.Copy !req
1427. Yeah, she and Stone, they seem
to be very happy.Copy !req
1428. Key word there is "seem."Copy !req
1429. - What do you mean?
- Their marriage is a sham.Copy !req
1430. - What?
- Well, they sleep around on each other.Copy !req
1431. - Been doing it for years.
- Oh, my gosh.Copy !req
1432. I just wish Audrey had found a more
solid marriage like you and Rusty.Copy !req
1433. Hey, Russ, can we talk?Copy !req
1434. I knew we had some problems.
Is it this bad?Copy !req
1435. Is our marriage dying?Copy !req
1436. No.Copy !req
1437. No, a marriage only dies
when you stop trying.Copy !req
1438. And you have never stopped trying.Copy !req
1439. I just think...Copy !req
1440. maybe I did.Copy !req
1441. What do you mean?Copy !req
1442. I've only been thinking about
myself, you know?Copy !req
1443. I wanted to change the routine,
and go on exotic trips and...Copy !req
1444. Yeah, there's nothing wrong with that.Copy !req
1445. I was crazy to think I could make us
closer by locking us in a car for a week.Copy !req
1446. No, but you were doing that for us.Copy !req
1447. You have been trying so hard to make
this trip memorable for me and the kids...Copy !req
1448. - and I didn't appreciate that.
- But why would you?Copy !req
1449. I mean, I've put you through
some serious shit.Copy !req
1450. Literally, a pool of shit in Arkansas.Copy !req
1451. You deserve better.Copy !req
1452. What, better than you?Copy !req
1453. How many men would sacrifice their
careers for their family like you have?Copy !req
1454. Oh, I didn't sacrifice anything.Copy !req
1455. I have everything I've ever wanted.Copy !req
1456. - Debbie.
- Yeah?Copy !req
1457. Will you continue to be my wife?Copy !req
1458. I wondered when you'd
give that back to me.Copy !req
1459. I was wondering if you still wanted it.Copy !req
1460. I do.Copy !req
1461. Wait a minute.Copy !req
1462. Are we gonna do this?Copy !req
1463. Oh, yeah. I'm gonna
pound the shit out of you.Copy !req
1464. - Russ.
- What?Copy !req
1465. Lock the door.Copy !req
1466. I'm gonna lock
the shit out of that door.Copy !req
1467. - Hey, Dad.
- Morning, Rusty.Copy !req
1468. Could you drive us to the airport this afternoon?
There's a flight back to Chicago at 4.Copy !req
1469. Chicago?Copy !req
1470. What about Walley World?Copy !req
1471. Oh, no. We've, uh, had enough.Copy !req
1472. - This trip's been a nightmare.
- Well, that's what family vacations are.Copy !req
1473. - But you can't give up, Russ.
- Well, why not?Copy !req
1474. I mean, they always say "it's not
the destination, it's the journey," right?Copy !req
1475. The journey sucks.Copy !req
1476. That's what makes you appreciate
the destination.Copy !req
1477. You had a dream to take your family
to Walley World.Copy !req
1478. Never let that go.Copy !req
1479. I know I didn't.Copy !req
1480. How would we even get to
Walley World? We don't have a car.Copy !req
1481. Hey, come on.Copy !req
1482. You leave that to me.Copy !req
1483. Oops, wrong door.Copy !req
1484. Could I, uh, take the Nissan?Copy !req
1485. Ha, ha. No, no.Copy !req
1486. Wait, Dad, I thought we were going
to the airport.Copy !req
1487. Boys, when your father makes you
a promise, he keeps it.Copy !req
1488. - That's not right.
- This sucks.Copy !req
1489. - Wow, this place is huge.
- Ha, ha.Copy !req
1490. This is dope as fuck.Copy !req
1491. Kevin.Copy !req
1492. Told you you guys would love it, right?Copy !req
1493. Hey, Dad.Copy !req
1494. - It really is dope as fuck.
- I know, right?Copy !req
1495. - Guys!
- Oh, wait!Copy !req
1496. There she is.Copy !req
1497. The Velociraptor.Copy !req
1498. - I can't believe we actually made it.
- Heh, I know.Copy !req
1499. - You guys ready for the ride of your life?
- Oh, yeah.Copy !req
1500. If I'm being honest,
it looks a little daunting.Copy !req
1501. - Come on. Race you to the ride.
- Yeah, go, go! Faster!Copy !req
1502. Come on!Copy !req
1503. Two more hours, guys.Copy !req
1504. Oh, my gosh.Copy !req
1505. - All right, guys. Get psyched.
- Yes.Copy !req
1506. This is it.
This is why we came all this way.Copy !req
1507. Excuse us.Copy !req
1508. - What was that?
- Last ride tonight. Park's closing.Copy !req
1509. - No, we were next.
- What?Copy !req
1510. - That's not okay.
- Should be a misunderstanding.Copy !req
1511. Hey, excuse me.Copy !req
1512. You just cut in front of us.Copy !req
1513. No, see, we bought the Platinum Pass
so we get to skip the lines.Copy !req
1514. Fifth time today on this one.Copy !req
1515. Right, well, we just drove 2500 miles
to ride this ride...Copy !req
1516. so you can't just take our spot.Copy !req
1517. Wait a minute, you...Copy !req
1518. Econo Air.Copy !req
1519. Yeah?Copy !req
1520. Good to see you.
All right, I'll tell you what.Copy !req
1521. Why don't you and your family
go fuck yourselves?Copy !req
1522. I'm sorry, guys.Copy !req
1523. Oh, my God!Copy !req
1524. Okay.Copy !req
1525. You're a dead man.Copy !req
1526. - Get off!
- Oh, it's on.Copy !req
1527. Kevin, no!Copy !req
1528. No, you're not gonna fight.Copy !req
1529. - I'm not gonna stand here like a little bitch.
- What?Copy !req
1530. Oh, shit.Copy !req
1531. No, Kevin. Kevin, no. Kevin, come on.Copy !req
1532. You people are fucking crazy.Copy !req
1533. - What kind of a family are you?
- We're the Griswolds.Copy !req
1534. See you around...Copy !req
1535. you piece of ass.Copy !req
1536. - Let's do this.
- All right.Copy !req
1537. - I haven't been in a fight like that for years.
- First car, all right.Copy !req
1538. Man, our family fucked that family up.Copy !req
1539. - We did.
- Did you see how I scratched that girl's arm?Copy !req
1540. Oh, I saw it, honey.
You gave her a good scratch.Copy !req
1541. My fingers still hurt a little,
but I'll be okay.Copy !req
1542. Oh, boy. Here we go.Copy !req
1543. - Hold on.
- Oh, gosh!Copy !req
1544. There used to be
A graying tower alone on the seaCopy !req
1545. You became
The light on the dark side of meCopy !req
1546. Love remained
A drug that's the high and not the pillCopy !req
1547. But did you know
That when it snowsCopy !req
1548. My eyes become large
And the light that you shine can be seen?Copy !req
1549. - Russ?
- Yeah?Copy !req
1550. Is it supposed to stay
upside-down like this?Copy !req
1551. Yeah, I don't think so.Copy !req
1552. Oh.Copy !req
1553. Dad, are we stuck?Copy !req
1554. Looks that way, pal.Copy !req
1555. My eyes, they're starting to bulge.Copy !req
1556. I'm sure they'll have us down
any minute.Copy !req
1557. Well, guys, what'd you think
of Walley World?Copy !req
1558. Yeah.Copy !req
1559. Listen, boys, I can't tell you how much it's
meant to me to spend all this time with you.Copy !req
1560. I love you more
than anything in the world.Copy !req
1561. And if I could, I'd spend
every single day with you.Copy !req
1562. So we'll see you in a week.Copy !req
1563. - Wait, what's going on?
- Petersons will pick you up at O'Hare...Copy !req
1564. - and you'll stay with them.
- Where are we going?Copy !req
1565. Someplace I should've taken you
a long time ago.Copy !req
1566. How did you get free tickets to Paris?Copy !req
1567. I used my connections as a pilot.Copy !req
1568. Oh, you're amazing, heh.Copy !req
1569. Well, you are my queen, and you
deserve to be treated like one.Copy !req
1570. I know it's not exactly first-class...Copy !req
1571. - or coach...
- Honey...Copy !req
1572. - it's perfect.
- Yeah?Copy !req
1573. So...Copy !req
1574. how long is the flight?Copy !req
1575. Twelve hours.Copy !req
1576. Perfect.Copy !req