Unicorn Wars (2022)

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Jon Goiri as Azulín (voice) • Jaione Insausti as Gordi (voice) • Ramón Barea as Narrador (voice) • Txema Regalado as Padre (voice) • Manu Heras as Sargento Caricias / Papá (voice) • Gaizka Soria as Coco (voice) • Iker Diaz as Achuchones (voice)

An army of bear cubs train and indoctrinate young recruits for the war against the unicorns, which threatens the safety of the cubs. Brothers Bluey and Tubby, along with a group of inexperienced cadets, are sent on a dangerous mission to save the Mag...

Belgium • Spain • France • Fantasy • Animation • Horror • Action • Comedy • War

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Maria.

2. Mom?

3. Where are you, Mom?

4. No, no, Maria! Mom's not there.

5. - Maria! - Mom!

6. Mom!

7. Mom! Are you there?

8. Mommy!

9. Maria.

10. Mom?

11. Mom!

12. Maria.

13. Maria.

14. Let's go! You bunch of scumbags. Faster!

15. The unicorns will ram their horns

16. so far up your sorry asses,

17. you'll throw up every blueberry!

18. You're trash. The worst group I've ever seen.

19. If I let you out on the battlefield,

20. I assure you, you wouldn't last a second.

21. Shame on you!

22. I want to go home.

23. Formation! In line!

24. Good God! That was pathetic and pitiful, rookies.

25. How will you survive in the Magic Forest with that attitude?

26. I'll personally see to it that from today on you learn discipline.

27. This is the Love Camp!

28. Honor, pain and cuddles!

29. Honor, pain and cuddles!

30. Good unicorn, dead unicorn

31. Gentlemen, take a look. My proportions are perfect.

32. Good teeth are a sign of good health.

33. Look at my scarf.

34. It's beautiful!

35. As soft as the skin of a baby unicorn.

36. I'm strong but also tender and fluffy.

37. My God! You're so wonderful.

38. Thanks, dear brother. You're so silky!

39. Please, you're embarrassing us.

40. Look at you, you're not at all handsome.

41. I'm stressed, little brother. You know I wasn't like this before.

42. "Before,"before..."

43. Well now you are neither handsome nor loving.

44. Instead...

45. Instead, look at me.

46. He's beautiful!

47. Look at the color of my eyes.

48. Aquamarine blue.

49. Hey! You're not that perfect.

50. Or did you think nobody's noticed the wrinkles around your eyes?

51. Yes, he hides them with make-up every day.

52. Even if he tries, you can see still them. They're ugly!

53. Ugly? Who's the ugly one now?

54. Calm down!

55. He hit me.

56. He hit me.

57. I'm done, I'm done.

58. Little Brother!

59. Who do you think you are? You'd better be careful.

60. Actions have consequences.

61. What are you worried about, Son?

62. Nobody understands me.

63. I only want to be the best, the best soldier possible.

64. Cry, Son, cry.

65. In war, you can cry. You should cry.

66. You'll be the best if you're determined.

67. You just need a reason to believe,

68. you need something to hold on to when things aren't going well.

69. I did it with this.

70. For me?

71. Yes, for you.

72. Woe to him who drinketh the blood of the last unicorn,

73. for he shall become a beautiful and eternal being.

74. And so God will return to the lost paradise.

75. Only one teddy bear, the chosen one, can perform such a feat.

76. Tubby!

77. Do you think I'll be the chosen one?

78. Do you think I'll be handsome and eternal?

79. Yeah, Bluey, of course you will be.

80. Bluey!

81. Wake up.

82. What?

83. The bed is really wet.

84. Wow.

85. Don't worry about it, Tubby.

86. Take the sheets to the laundry room and get clean ones.

87. We can change them and no one will ever know.

88. How clever you are. Thank you for being you.

89. Here's a cuddly heart for you.

90. A cuddly heart for you too.

91. Hey! Everybody up!

92. Look! The fat pig, Tubby, has wet the bed.

93. He wanted to pretend it never happened

94. so he stripped the sheets off.

95. He wet the bed!

96. Look everyone!

97. What's going on in here?

98. Sir, Recruit Tubby has wet himself.

99. The bed's covered in wee.

100. All of it! Look at all the wee.

101. Bloody hell! Disgusting! This can't be true.

102. That's disgusting!

103. From now on we'll call him Bed-wetter!

104. And we'll put nappies on him when he goes to bed.

105. Aim properly!

106. The best way to kill a unicorn

107. is to go through its neck.

108. This way it'll suffer a while before dying.

109. We won't win this war with arrows alone, Sergeant Ironstroke.

110. Good job, rookie. Good shots.

111. Too bad they are nothing compared to his.

112. Being second is better than being the best loser.

113. Congratulations, Coco.

114. You have proven yourself to be the best.

115. Thanks, Sergeant.

116. Recruits!

117. I know you admire me.

118. But I won't always be with you.

119. A group always needs an internal leader.

120. Private Coco.

121. I'm appointing you chief of the recruits.

122. Good!

123. Great!

124. Coco is the best!

125. Yes, the best!

126. Dad, I saw two fish.

127. Two, a couple. Maybe they're brothers, or boyfriends.

128. Do fish fall in love?

129. Huh, Dad?

130. Hey, Dad?

131. Dad! Do they fall in love?

132. Son...

133. love is very complicated.

134. You see, I have to tell you something.

135. It's time you knew about it since you're old enough now.

136. Mom and I... Mom and I are splitting up.

137. What?

138. But...

139. But why?

140. Is it my fault?

141. No, honey, not at all.

142. Sometimes adults stop understanding each other, that's all.

143. It's normal that Mommy doesn't want to be with me.

144. I'm a failure.

145. A pathetic failure.

146. Bluey, don't ever be as mediocre as your father.

147. You have to be good, Son. You have to be the best.

148. If you're the best, they'll always respect you.

149. Mom, look!

150. Bluey! Baby!

151. Let's see how many fish my boy caught.

152. Won't you give me a kiss?

153. Don't touch me!

154. Good unicorn, dead unicorn

155. Good unicorn, dead unicorn

156. Good unicorn, dead unicorn

157. Is it not true that the teddy bear is God's true creation?

158. Is it not true that the unicorn stole our fertile land?

159. That the sacred forest belonged to us through divine right?

160. Is it not true that the unicorn must die?

161. Death, death to the unicorn!

162. Death to the unicorn!

163. Porridge, dingy porridge!

164. Come on, eat up!

165. - It's revolting. - It's disgusting.

166. Why don't we get teddy bear food?

167. Father says the Magic Forest is full of blueberries.

168. Yes, blueberries. We need blueberries!

169. Blueberries, nectar of the gods!

170. Blueberries! Blueberries!

171. Shut up, rookies! What's all this about?

172. You are going to eat dingy porridge until it comes out of your ears!

173. There are no mammalian cuddles or affection here!

174. Here cuddles are made of steel, blood, and pain!

175. You're going to learn what tough love is, recruits.

176. And you will end up liking it.

177. Bloody hell! They're pathetic, Colonel.

178. They're scumbags.

179. This is the worst group I've seen in a long time.

180. Precisely, Captain Snout. They're perfect.

181. They won't be an important loss.

182. Or perhaps you don't know the expression "collateral damage"?

183. This forest is cursed. How I hate those unicorns.

184. A person without hatred can never beat the enemy, Commander Fluffy.

185. Sir, Sergeant Ironstroke is already here.

186. Send him in, Corporal Pompom.

187. Sir! Sergeant Ironstroke at your command, Sir.

188. Relax, Sergeant. Don't shout in here.

189. Captain Snout, tell him.

190. Sergeant, we need you and your group

191. for Operation "Missing Bird."

192. Your group will go to the northern entrance of the forest.

193. They'll go in using the coordinate 17B-12.

194. Their mission: find the Lone Owl group.

195. The soldiers should've returned days ago.

196. Bring them back safe and sound.

197. Let's hope you don't let us down, Sergeant.

198. This is your last chance to be promoted.

199. Goddamn gunpowder, you just can't get the hang of it.

200. Collateral damage...

201. Peace be with all of you.

202. Peace be with all of you.

203. The sacred fire.

204. My sons, this chain will protect you.

205. Here's a cuddly heart for you.

206. A cuddly heart for you too.

207. - Get that pendant away from me. - Hey, guys!

208. I'm here.

209. No.

210. Oh, no! Is Tubby really coming with us?

211. Affirmative, Private Snuggle!

212. We need a pack mule to carry the material and medicine.

213. He's fat. Yes, I know.

214. But he's strong!

215. He'll slow us down! Nobody wants him to come.

216. Pandi, not another word! He's my brother.

217. Recruits, today is a very special day.

218. The most important day of your lives!

219. At last, you are soldiers.

220. You've earned it!

221. Remember you're not alone,

222. for you carry the teddy bear people in your hearts.

223. I can't guarantee that we'll all return alive

224. because the enemy is cruel and powerful.

225. But, I can assure you

226. that while I'm with you,

227. I'll never abandon you, symbolically speaking.

228. Don't ever forget me.

229. Never, my love.

230. My children, this is such a big step in your lives.

231. Here's a pie made with the last few blueberries from our garden.

232. It's your mother's recipe.

233. I wish she could see you.

234. Mom would be so proud of you.

235. Many, many years ago,

236. the sacred garden shone with holy light,

237. like the first morning dew.

238. God created the magical garden, in his image and likeness

239. and filled it with flesh.

240. Flesh that flies, flesh that walks, flesh that crawls,

241. and flesh that swims.

242. All animals lived as free creatures of nature,

243. inhabiting paradise.

244. But one day the teddy bears discovered God's house,

245. and inside was the sacred book on everything.

246. And thanks to it, the teddy bears gained knowledge,

247. progress,

248. morals,

249. and laws.

250. The teddy bears were now superior to the other animals,

251. as they had found God.

252. But the unicorns, envious demons,

253. decided to declare war on the chosen people.

254. And so began the Holy War.

255. A bloodthirsty war of death, hatred, and pain.

256. The teddy bears were finally defeated,

257. and the survivors were expelled from paradise forever.

258. Condemned to wander aimlessly,

259. humiliated and harassed as a community.

260. Bearing the stigma of defeat forever.

261. Woe to him who drinketh the blood of the last unicorn

262. for he will become a beautiful and eternal being.

263. And so God will return to the lost paradise.

264. I'm starving.

265. Yesterday porridge and today porridge.

266. And tomorrow porridge...

267. Didn't the Father say the forest was full of blueberries?

268. Yes, blueberries.

269. Take it easy, guys. This misery will soon be over.

270. Wow! How pretty. This place is magical.

271. Tubby.

272. My feet are messed up.

273. These boots are killing me.

274. They're too hard on my delicate feet.

275. Oh, that's so nice!

276. Hey! Don't look at my willy.

277. - What? - Don't look at my willy!

278. You were standing at an angle so you could see it.

279. - You like looking at it? - No, not at all!

280. Never!

281. Yes, you do.

282. Snuggle!

283. What's wrong?

284. Something bit my foot.

285. It hurts so much!

286. Tubby...

287. What?

288. I mean, if you want to, you can see my willy.

289. No! No, no, no, no! No! No!

290. Tubby...

291. Tubby...

292. Tubby...

293. Look!

294. The Lone Owl group passed through here.

295. Please wait, I need to stop.

296. Private Snuggle! Get up, right now!

297. I can't, Sergeant Ironstroke. My foot hurts so much!

298. Shame on you. War waits for no one, get up!

299. I can't, look.

300. Soldiers, pit stop.

301. Rub it, pat it, stroke it

302. Three days of sunshine, three days of rain

303. The little foot will be well again

304. Come on.

305. Come on, come here.

306. You're so cute.

307. Hey! Hey!

308. Look how cute they are.

309. Don't let them get away, they're so slippery.

310. Oh my God! I'm starting to drool.

311. Well done, Private Bluey.

312. We all needed something like this.

313. Yes! It's finally party time tonight.

314. Myriapoda!

315. Leave that creature alone. It's a drug.

316. A drug?

317. The sacred book forbids it!

318. "You will not consume forbidden colored meats,

319. they're the fruit of the devil!"

320. Shut up, Father!

321. Enough with your religious prayers and gibberish.

322. These soldiers are fucked up. Look at them!

323. God can back off tonight.

324. God can't, not ever!

325. What lack of morality.

326. The chain's still waiting for you.

327. You're not worthy of God's love.

328. That's enough!

329. There is no God in this place.

330. We're in a war, a bloody war!

331. Let go of me!

332. Listen, you're getting on my nerves.

333. And you know when I get nervous,

334. my knife gets nervous.

335. You see how it shakes? You see?

336. No!

337. I'm very crazy, Father. Very crazy.

338. Calm down, Sergeant!

339. Please!

340. There's no God here. I'm in charge here.

341. Calm down, please. Let's calm down.

342. Hey Father, where is your God now?

343. They taste like metal!

344. Dead unicorn

345. I don't think I feel so well.

346. Let's go to the forest!

347. Brother.

348. Brother!

349. It's time for me to go...

350. Alone.

351. No, don't leave me.

352. Cuddly-Wuddly!

353. Cuddly-Wuddly!

354. Who wants some holy wine?

355. It's a treat from our spiritual guide.

356. Please, somebody help me!

357. Please!

358. Please, help!

359. Help!

360. Rub it, pat it, stroke it

361. Three days sunshine, three days rain...

362. Forgive them, God, for they don't know what they are doing.

363. Little brother!

364. Where are you?

365. Cuddly-Wuddly!

366. Cuddly-Wuddly!

367. Hey, Sergeant!

368. There is a problem.

369. The Cuddly-Wuddly twins are missing. They're not here!

370. Cuddly-Wuddly!

371. Cuddly-Wuddly!

372. Hey!

373. Where are you?

374. Where are you?

375. Cuddly-Wuddly!

376. Cuddly-Wuddly!

377. Here, here! Oh my God!

378. He's dead!

379. Oh, no!

380. These wounds are from an army knife, Sergeant.

381. Look!

382. One of the Cuddly-Wuddly's boots.

383. Do you see, Son? God can never wait.

384. I warned you.

385. The book warned you.

386. The sacred book that you desecrated,

387. that you spat on and rejected before God, the almighty Father.

388. - No! - It's your fault!

389. You're not worthy of bowing down before God.

390. I didn't know.

391. - You're not worthy. - I'm not worthy.

392. You're not worthy!

393. You're not worthy!

394. I'm not worthy!

395. God, forgive me. Forgive me!

396. Death does not take everything.

397. It only takes one part:

398. the bad part, bad memories, bad behavior...

399. And death does not rob us of our loved ones.

400. In fact,

401. it keeps them and immortalizes them in our memories.

402. Every death is the beginning of a life. But what is death?

403. We barely know what life is.

404. We'll be at the Lone Owl camp soon.

405. Hang on.

406. The sooner the better, Father. The sooner the better.

407. Sergeant! Is something wrong?

408. Look! He' still high.

409. Yeah, look at his eyes. He's seeing things.

410. Father, why are you here?

411. Why did you come with us?

412. God is everywhere. He's here, my son.

413. He's in the war too.

414. Not all of the Magic Forest is beautiful.

415. Just like us, it's also sick.

416. Infecting everything around it.

417. By the Sacred Cuddly Heart!

418. Oh my God!

419. No, please!

420. Father, what happened here?

421. The unicorn, my children.

422. The beast has no mercy.

423. Children, take a good look at what we're fighting.

424. And what are we fighting? Tell us.

425. We haven't even seen a damn unicorn yet.

426. This is a slaughterhouse!

427. You have to have faith.

428. But what madness is this war?

429. Look around you, Father.

430. Having faith means not wanting to know the truth.

431. This makes no sense.

432. Let's go home!

433. Oh my God!

434. We're all going to die.

435. We're all going to die.

436. The Sergeant is right.

437. We're going to die.

438. Hey! Please help!

439. Snuggle isn't doing well. He can't take any more!

440. Help!

441. Help me, Coco, please!

442. Put me out of my misery.

443. Good morning, little mouse.

444. Have you seen my mom?

445. No, I'm sorry. I haven't seen her today.

446. Come on. Come on, everybody.

447. Come on, catch me if you can.

448. Let's go, honey. It's already late.

449. Come on, Mommy! Let me play a bit more with Maria.

450. No, let's go.

451. Maria, go home right now. You shouldn't wander off so far.

452. The forest is very dangerous now.

453. Why don't you come with us?

454. No, I am waiting for my mom. I am sure she'll be back soon.

455. Mommy, why is Maria alone? Did she misbehave?

456. Let's go, honey.

457. But did she misbehave?

458. Why?

459. Did she misbehave?

460. Mom?

461. Mom?

462. Mom!

463. Is that you?

464. My baby!

465. Mom, where were you?

466. I saw you in that horrible stone place.

467. Then a black monster came and...

468. Honey, the forest is now full of dangers

469. that we can't understand.

470. I missed you so much.

471. I thought you'd abandoned me.

472. Maria, I will never leave you.

473. But there comes a time in life when adults must leave their children.

474. It's just how it is.

475. But what am I going to do without you? You're my mom.

476. No, I'm not.

477. Nature is our mother, our true mother.

478. We get our nourishment from her and she gets her nourishment from us.

479. We have to look after her. We have to look after the forest.

480. Soon you will also have to leave.

481. You have to be brave.

482. I love you.

483. No, Mom, don't go. No!

484. Don't leave me!

485. No!

486. Attack!

487. Damn unicorns!

488. Yeah, let's drink their blood.

489. What's happening?

490. Oh no, they're getting closer!

491. Oh my God!

492. May God protect us!

493. Hurry, in position!

494. Aim!

495. Now!

496. Tubby!

497. In the name of God, may you have eternal glory.

498. Be strong, my children.

499. No! Father!

500. Wait!

501. I need to stop.

502. It hurts a lot.

503. Wait, let me help you.

504. See what your medal is for?

505. Stop!

506. He's in bad shape. What are we going to do?

507. Leave him here. We have to go.

508. No!

509. Come on, let's go. Just you and me.

510. Always together like Mom used to say.

511. Look at him, he's already dead.

512. Although you can see him, he doesn't exist anymore.

513. Isn't that true?

514. Aren't you dead already?

515. Actions have consequences, remember?

516. No! No!

517. What have you done?

518. No! No!

519. No...

520. It was dark.

521. I remember they were the worst minutes of my life.

522. There, alone, abandoned.

523. It went on forever.

524. He was already there.

525. Those minutes gave him an advantage over me.

526. I always...

527. came second.

528. I know you're there, okay?

529. Go away. I don't want to see you.

530. I hate you!

531. I'm hungry.

532. See how you love me?

533. Be careful.

534. Don't drink too much, otherwise you'll wee.

535. Hey, bed-wetter.

536. You are the one who wets the bed at night.

537. From now on, you'll treat me with respect.

538. Or are you going to kill me too?

539. What?

540. How can you say that?

541. How can you treat your brother like that? I did it for us.

542. Something's wrong with you. Mom used to say that.

543. Do not mention Mom.

544. I loved her more.

545. You're a manipulator and always have been.

546. At least I'm not a murderer.

547. What did you say?

548. Mom, look!

549. Thank you, Son.

550. Use the rolling pin to roll it out.

551. - Like this? - Good job.

552. Mom!

553. Mom! Mom!

554. Mom! Mom!

555. What is it?

556. What's happening to you?

557. Honey,

558. promise me one thing.

559. Take care of your brother,

560. he needs you.

561. You must love him and protect him.

562. Promise me.

563. Promise me, Tubby.

564. Bluey.

565. Bluey.

566. Bluey.

567. Bluey.

568. Dig properly.

569. You'll see, later we can make a blueberry pie.

570. Yay, blueberries!

571. Spring is when you plant the seeds.

572. Only in the spring, Mommy?

573. "Only in the spring, Mommy?"

574. Your brother is not well. He always wants to be alone.

575. I don't know what to do with this child.

576. It's so hot.

577. Bluey, could you bring me a glass of lemonade please?

578. Yes, Mom!

579. There you go.

580. Listen, Bluey, a big river!

581. It will lead us out of here.

582. There's a blueberry bush. It's humongous.

583. Let's go.

584. You can come closer.

585. How enormous they are!

586. These blueberries are blueberrylicious!

587. They are everywhere.

588. No! No!

589. Oh, no! No!

590. Bluey!

591. No...

592. Bluey!

593. Bluey!

594. Bluey, where are you?

595. Bluey, oh my God!

596. Bluey!

597. Bluey!

598. Corporal Pompom, I can't take it anymore.

599. I'm exhausted, Sir.

600. We have to watch the border, Private Furry.

601. Of course.

602. The colonel and high-ranking commanders are resting

603. and eating chickens in their golden cage.

604. Hey!

605. Hello, Son.

606. It's warm in here.

607. How do you feel today?

608. Did you bring it?

609. The doctors say you'll soon be able to walk.

610. Did you bring it for me?

611. Does it hurt anymore?

612. Yes, my soul does.

613. Time heals everything.

614. And my face?

615. Will my face heal?

616. Being alive is a gift from God.

617. Your poor brother wasn't so lucky.

618. And whoever drinks the blood of the last unicorn

619. will become beautiful and eternal.

620. This way, God will return to Lost Paradise.

621. Soldier Bluey.

622. We are very sorry about what happened.

623. Yes, it's collateral damage.

624. The army thanks you for your service.

625. We would like you to have a position as a military bear.

626. Yes, we think you really deserve it.

627. We'll name you Lieutenant.

628. It is a good position.

629. The army needs symbols like you.

630. Me? But my face?

631. We have a gift for you.

632. From time to time, you can have a blueberry.

633. You'll be one of us, a leader.

634. What do you think, Lieutenant Bluey?

635. That was pathetic.

636. You won't get anywhere in the army.

637. Good shot, soldier.

638. What? He's not the best.

639. Corporal Pompom, in the Magic Forest, being the best won't do you any good.

640. The best is not always the strongest.

641. Bluey is a great soldier. He knows the forest by heart.

642. We can trust him.

643. It is said that Lieutenant Bluey

644. killed seven unicorns in the Magic Forest

645. and then drank their blood.

646. He's a hero.

647. Good unicorn, dead unicorn

648. You see, Captain?

649. It's always good to create false heroes, idols with clay feet.

650. They make soldiers believe they, too, can be one.

651. Lieutenant Bluey, we can't do it.

652. It's forbidden.

653. Captain, the forest is the disease.

654. Let's eradicate the disease.

655. Lieutenant Bluey is delirious.

656. As long as there is war we'll maintain our power.

657. Don't you understand? It is the basis of the army.

658. Colonel, you're old and worn out.

659. Tell me, how long have you spent in the forest?

660. Do you know?

661. - How dare you? - How dare I?

662. The forest did this to me.

663. Look me in the eye.

664. That place is not paradise. Believe me, it's hell.

665. Who are you to talk to me like that?

666. Lieutenant Bluey.

667. Lieutenant Bluey.

668. Hey, what is this?

669. No!

670. Sir, it's done.

671. What should we do now, Sir?

672. Prepare the army.

673. The sacred war has begun.

674. Death! Death to the unicorns!

675. Death! Death to the unicorns!

676. It's war.

677. The time has come.

678. And the Simians? Should we ask them for help?

679. They will never join our side.

680. They don't behave like the other animals in the forest.

681. They worship an idol

682. who is not good for nature.

683. He doesn't have a form yet.

684. Evil will eventually destroy the world.

685. Everything is lost.

686. The forest is bleeding.

687. Let's go to war.

688. We are the forest

689. and we'll die with the forest.

690. Good unicorn, dead unicorn

691. Good unicorn, dead unicorn

692. Quickly, to your posts!

693. Not yet. Wait!

694. Wait!

695. Arrows!

696. Grenades!

697. Don't back down! Attack!

698. Be careful!

699. Fire!

700. No!

701. Stay away! Who are you?

702. Tubby...

703. Don't you recognize me?

704. Little brother.

705. Bluey!

706. Poor thing. What have you done?

707. Look...

708. Look at my face.

709. I'm a monster.

710. I've always been one.

711. It was my fault, it was all my fault!

712. It's okay, you'll get better.

713. No...

714. No...