1. I'm gonna-
I'm gonna fuckin' piss my pants.Copy !req
2. Hey, if you wanna watch this video,
please go to our Web site-Copy !req
3. Not-SeeParty. Com.Copy !req
4. - N-O-T-
- S-E-E.Copy !req
5. Not Nazi with a "Z."Copy !req
6. That'd be like a cross-dressing
Adolph Eichmann-Liza Minnelli impersonator.Copy !req
7. If I die of laughter during this segment,
I don't want you to feel bad.Copy !req
8. I want you all to know that I died happy,Copy !req
9. because this video is
the greatest thing ever.Copy !req
10. You seen how many hits he has?
It's up to, like, 30-something million.Copy !req
11. Here we-Here we go.Copy !req
12. - Shit.
- What the fuck?Copy !req
13. I'm gonna talk to this
kid about everything.Copy !req
14. I wanna know what he masturbates to.Copy !req
15. I wanna know if he kept the leg!
Did he keep the leg?Copy !req
16. I gotta say though, man,
I've watched this video enough...Copy !req
17. I'm starting to feel bad for the kid.Copy !req
18. I'm not laughed out yet,
but I'm feelin' bad for him.Copy !req
19. Feeling bad? The kid's got tons of hits!Copy !req
20. 'Cause he's famous, right?Copy !req
21. I mean, what more do you want?
He's got more hits than I do.Copy !req
22. I'm kinda in a weird way jealous. I don't
need both legs. I'm not running marathons.Copy !req
23. So look out, you crazy Canucks.Copy !req
24. Something weird-ass this way comes.Copy !req
25. Next week, wandering Wallace
takes a raunchy road trip...Copy !req
26. up to the Great White North
to meet with a star.Copy !req
27. My only hope is that
he doesn't cry too much.Copy !req
28. Join us next week while Wallace sits down
with the, uh, one-legged wonder...Copy !req
29. the master of self-mutilation,
of Internet humiliation, the Kill Bill Kid.Copy !req
30. Which is about all you can do
if you're the Kill Bill Kid.Copy !req
31. You just sit your one-legged ass
down forever.Copy !req
32. It was too easy! It was right there!Copy !req
33. You're goin' to hell, man.Copy !req
34. They're like plums,
like low-hangin' plums.Copy !req
35. - I had to grab it.
- Until next time, I'm Teddy Craft.Copy !req
36. And this is Wallace Bryton,
reminding you to...Copy !req
37. join the Not-See Party.Copy !req
38. Welcome to Canada.Copy !req
39. Yo.Copy !req
40. Hey there.Copy !req
41. Hey there, yourself, uh,
fellow facial hair aficionado.Copy !req
42. Yeah, not as good as you. My God.Copy !req
43. - New Jersey, eh?
- Yeah, years back.Copy !req
44. Now it's, uh, "Los Angle-eez."Copy !req
45. A man torn betwixt devils and kings.Copy !req
46. - Oh! Hockey.
- Yeah, you're damn right, hockey.Copy !req
47. Don't really follow hockey.Copy !req
48. Okay. Hands off the counter, please.Copy !req
49. - Really?
- Yeah, really. Thank you.Copy !req
50. - Sorry.
- "Sore-y."Copy !req
51. - "Sore-y."
- "Sore-y."Copy !req
52. "Sore-y."Copy !req
53. When you're visiting
the Great White North of Canada...Copy !req
54. you got your Cana-dos,
and you got your Cana-don'ts.Copy !req
55. Top shelf, right there, number one:Copy !req
56. Don't go tellin' a Canadian
you don't follow hockey.Copy !req
57. Of course. I should have known that.
Makes 'em sad, right?Copy !req
58. A Canadian doesn't get sad.Copy !req
59. Sadness was made by the USA.Copy !req
60. - Oh, come on. What does that mean?
- Take off! It's true!Copy !req
61. Right there on our flag.Copy !req
62. It's right there when you look at it,
and you see past that sacred maple leaf.Copy !req
63. - You know what you've seen?
- A white wall.Copy !req
64. You see that in America...Copy !req
65. you may be red, white and blue.Copy !req
66. But in Canada, you're red,
white, but never blue, eh?Copy !req
67. - Ever.
- Gotcha.Copy !req
68. That's actually-
I've never thought of it that way before.Copy !req
69. I always think of Canadians as just nice.Copy !req
70. Well, that right there
is another Cana-don't.Copy !req
71. We're not nice, we're optimistic.
There's a difference.Copy !req
72. - Right.
- And we're tolerant.Copy !req
73. And we're hung like moose.Copy !req
74. That's good.Copy !req
75. Back to business then.
What are you doing in Manitoba?Copy !req
76. Um, I'm, uh-I'm recording a podcast.Copy !req
77. So what I do is I-I, uh-
I travel around...Copy !req
78. and I interview weird
or interesting people...Copy !req
79. and I describe it to my best friend...Copy !req
80. who does not see it firsthand...Copy !req
81. since he won't fly anywhere.Copy !req
82. - It's call the Not-See Party.
- The Nazi Party?Copy !req
83. Oh, no, it's-it's spelled N-O-T-S-E-E.Copy !req
84. Not the other... hatey one. You know?Copy !req
85. - That was Hitler.
- You don't say "Hitler" in an airport.Copy !req
86. All right.Copy !req
87. What the fuck is this?Copy !req
88. Hey.Copy !req
89. Shit.Copy !req
90. Oh, fuck.Copy !req
91. Hey, fucker. Are you ready for this?Copy !req
92. Fuckin' Kill Bill Kid
fucking killed himself, sir...Copy !req
93. with his own fuckin' sword.Copy !req
94. You believe that shit?
I am not fucking kidding you.Copy !req
95. Couldn't hold out for two more days,
selfish little peg-leg piece of shit.Copy !req
96. I'm so pissed off right now.
I gotta find a flight back tonight.Copy !req
97. I'm thinkin' I don't want
to come all the way back with nothin'.Copy !req
98. We need a show this week, so...Copy !req
99. I'm in fuckin' Winnipeg in a bar...Copy !req
100. called, uh, Bar H.Copy !req
101. I don't know what the fuck I'm gonna do.Copy !req
102. Try to find some other Canadian weirdo
up here I can talk to, but-Copy !req
103. I gotta be honest, man.
There is nothin' weird about Canada.Copy !req
104. It is painfully boring up here.Copy !req
105. But, shit, $550 for
a fuckin' plane ticket.Copy !req
106. Selfish little prick.Copy !req
107. I know it's fucked up to say,
but, goddamn it, it's killin' me.Copy !req
108. All right.Copy !req
109. Signin' off from the Great White North.Copy !req
110. Oh, shit. Beep.Copy !req
111. Hey, man, where's your bathroom?Copy !req
112. Hello. I'm an old man...Copy !req
113. who has enjoyed a long
and storied life at sea.Copy !req
114. I'm a proud Canadian who has traveled
a peculiar path lo these many years.Copy !req
115. And after aeons of oceanic adventure,
I find myself a landlubber...Copy !req
116. with Manitoba as my final port.Copy !req
117. I know I do not wish to spend my
remaining years alone in a giant house...Copy !req
118. not when I have such stories to share.Copy !req
119. No, it's-it's not the room I'm
interested in, as much as you, Mr. Howe.Copy !req
120. Yeah-Tonight would be-
That'd be amazing, sir.Copy !req
121. Yes, thank you.
Uh, where am I going?Copy !req
122. Bifrost? Sounds erotic.Copy !req
123. Okay, let me just ask somebody
how far I am.Copy !req
124. Excuse me. Hey, uh-Copy !req
125. Uh, how far is Bifrost from here?Copy !req
126. Bifrost? Shit, that's far.Copy !req
127. Yeah, it's "aboot" two hours from here.Copy !req
128. Yeah, the kids here
at the convenience store are telling me...Copy !req
129. that it's "aboot" two hours away.Copy !req
130. I hate American guys.Copy !req
131. Yeah.
What's your address?Copy !req
132. So to this end,
I'm offering a room for rent...Copy !req
133. in my stately woodland home.Copy !req
134. This arrangement will be free of charge...Copy !req
135. providing you perform the simple
household chores I can no longer tend to...Copy !req
136. from the confines
of this cursed wheelchair.Copy !req
137. But though I may be old, I have lived.Copy !req
138. And I will tell you all about
my many adventures... in vivid detail.Copy !req
139. Please feel free to call me
at the number below.Copy !req
140. Respectfully, Howard Howe.Copy !req
141. All right.
This better be fuckin' worth it.Copy !req
142. You have arrived at your destination.Copy !req
143. Hello? Hello?Copy !req
144. Hello. Up here, please.Copy !req
145. Hello? Hello?Copy !req
146. Good evening.Copy !req
147. - Mr. Howe?
- Well, actually, it's Howard.Copy !req
148. Mr. Howard. Hey-Copy !req
149. You know, when people first
become entangled with my name...Copy !req
150. it's much like a French bedroom farce.Copy !req
151. Now, Mr. Howe would be appropriate,
but I prefer the intimacy of Howard.Copy !req
152. Howard.Copy !req
153. Now that we have that unpleasantness
out of the way...Copy !req
154. may I welcome you to Pippy Hill, my home.Copy !req
155. Oh, yes, it's great.
It's nice to meet you.Copy !req
156. Pleasure. Pleasure.Copy !req
157. Could I interest you in some tea?Copy !req
158. You can, but first, uh...
can I use your bathroom?Copy !req
159. Smashing.Copy !req
160. God.Copy !req
161. Hoo-wa.Copy !req
162. Oh, Jesus.Copy !req
163. Well, did everything come out all right?Copy !req
164. Yeah. Great.Copy !req
165. - Thank you.
- You're welcome. There's your tea.Copy !req
166. All right, thank you.Copy !req
167. Yeah, my second wife-Copy !req
168. and I presume my last-Copy !req
169. used to say, bless her heart...Copy !req
170. "Rather saint than sin,
better out than in."Copy !req
171. She was referring to gas, of course.
Her own, mind you.Copy !req
172. That's great.Copy !req
173. - This-Thank you.
- You bet.Copy !req
174. Goddamn, this is good.Copy !req
175. So, did you find
the water closet satisfactory?Copy !req
176. Oh, yes. Thank you so much.Copy !req
177. Hoo! It was great.
I was holding it in for half the ride.Copy !req
178. It's a little embarrassing, but, um...Copy !req
179. I was kind of spooked to get out of the car
in the middle of nowhere.Copy !req
180. You know?Copy !req
181. I must say...Copy !req
182. your phone call intrigued me.Copy !req
183. Well, I'm telling you,
your handbill intrigued me.Copy !req
184. Did I understand you correctly
on the phone when you said...Copy !req
185. you weren't looking
for a living arrangement?Copy !req
186. No, I live in Los Angeles.Copy !req
187. - Oh.
- Yeah.Copy !req
188. City of Angels.Copy !req
189. Well, I've never seen any myself.Copy !req
190. More the opposite really.Copy !req
191. My Grandma Mimsy used to tell us...Copy !req
192. "You needn't go very far
to find hell in a handbasket."Copy !req
193. I like that. I like Mimsy.Copy !req
194. Oh, my grandma-
my grandma used to say...Copy !req
195. "Hell is your children."Copy !req
196. - Oh.
- Chain-smoker.Copy !req
197. "Hell is your children."
She was the worst.Copy !req
198. How droll. Bet she must have been
an interesting woman.Copy !req
199. Now, she was flatulent. Let me tell you.Copy !req
200. I've never seen anything like it.
Or smelled anything like it.Copy !req
201. She would hang stuff on her walls too,
just like you.Copy !req
202. My life lines these walls, Mr. Bryton.Copy !req
203. And though I cannot boast of legs
that are functioning and...Copy !req
204. that keep me ambulatory...Copy !req
205. I still thank the Lord
for leaving me with a memory-Copy !req
206. a living memory of my many adventures.Copy !req
207. Yeah, those adventures
are what I'm here about, Mr. Howe.Copy !req
208. You said on the phone you were much more
interested in me personally than the room.Copy !req
209. Yes, because I saw this.Copy !req
210. - Oh.
- Yeah.Copy !req
211. I'm up here in this frozen shithole,
I think my trip is a bust...Copy !req
212. and I feel like I just stumbled
into a gold mine with this thing.Copy !req
213. And you talk about sharing stories.
That's what I do.Copy !req
214. I'm a storyteller by trade.Copy !req
215. Oh, I see. You're a writer?Copy !req
216. Well-I'm a podcaster.Copy !req
217. - What on earth is that?
- Oh-Copy !req
218. I'm sorry. I'm not laughing at you.Copy !req
219. You just-
You just reminded me of my mom.Copy !req
220. "Wally, what are you doing?"Copy !req
221. Oh, she's the worst. You're fantastic.Copy !req
222. Um, a podcast is kind of like-It's like
a radio show that's not on the radio.Copy !req
223. It's on-It's on the Internet.Copy !req
224. Does that make sense?Copy !req
225. Yeah.
That's also like my mom.Copy !req
226. It makes it sound more confusing,
doesn't it?Copy !req
227. Uh, it sounds like this.Copy !req
228. Right, now, you listen-
Now, you listen to me.Copy !req
229. I just came in my pants.Copy !req
230. That's my-That's my McConaughey
prematurely ejaculating.Copy !req
231. Gonna piss my pants.Copy !req
232. You can actually say those things
without any repercussion?Copy !req
233. Yeah, the audience
likes it real and raunchy,Copy !req
234. so I try to keep it real and raunchy-Copy !req
235. and real raunchy.Copy !req
236. You know, the freedoms
your generation enjoys-Copy !req
237. Oh, I tell you, the-Copy !req
238. Libertines, the lot of you.Copy !req
239. Can I just tell you something?Copy !req
240. This is gonna sound really weird,
but I've never had tea like this.Copy !req
241. It's blowing my mind.
I feel like I've never had tea in my life.Copy !req
242. I'm, like, popping my cherry.Copy !req
243. I'm not even a tea person.Copy !req
244. I believe we're all tea people.Copy !req
245. There's a trick to it, you see.Copy !req
246. You soak the leaves
in brandy before steeping.Copy !req
247. Of course. Can't lose with booze.Copy !req
248. No, always do sober what you do drunk.Copy !req
249. That'll teach you to keep your mouth shut.Copy !req
250. Okay, now, this one I know.Copy !req
251. - Hemingway said that.
- Yes, he did.Copy !req
252. And he said it to me.Copy !req
253. - You knew Ernest Hemingway?
- Well, we met on the waters of Normandy.Copy !req
254. You were there for D-Day?Copy !req
255. No, I was there before D-Day.Copy !req
256. I was there when it was
called Operation Neptune.Copy !req
257. Holy-Hold on.Copy !req
258. You were on the beach?Copy !req
259. - No, no. I was on a boat, as was Ernie.
- Ernie?Copy !req
260. And Ernie was deemed "precious cargo"
by the powers that be...Copy !req
261. so he was prohibited from
joining the incursion.Copy !req
262. They ordered Hemingway
to stay on the boat? Are you kidding?Copy !req
263. Yes, they did, which vexed Mr. Hemingway,
to say the least.Copy !req
264. You know how he loved
to hunt the big game?Copy !req
265. Yeah.Copy !req
266. The big and the deadly? Well, there was
nothing bigger or deadlier than a Nazi.Copy !req
267. Except perhaps a Nazi's nagging wife.Copy !req
268. Nazi bitches, of course.Copy !req
269. And so, prohibited from
joining the incursion...Copy !req
270. Hemingway went to the galley
in search of alcohol.Copy !req
271. And the only one
to oblige him, of course...Copy !req
272. was a 16-year-old
potato peeler on KP duty.Copy !req
273. Oh, my God!Copy !req
274. Holy shit. No kidding.Copy !req
275. Yes.Copy !req
276. So I proffered for Mr. Hemingway
a bottle of Weiser.Copy !req
277. And I'll never forget what he did next.Copy !req
278. There was this smile
crawled across the man's face.Copy !req
279. It was so slow,
as if it were a caterpillar.Copy !req
280. Then he turned to me and slapped me
on the back, and he said...Copy !req
281. "You are a kitchen witch
of only good fortune."Copy !req
282. "Kitchen witch"?Copy !req
283. God-Copy !req
284. So we drank Weiser, and...Copy !req
285. when reports came back of how many...Copy !req
286. boys had fallen... at Omaha...Copy !req
287. that's when he said to me...Copy !req
288. "Only do sober what you do drunk.Copy !req
289. It will teach you
to keep your mouth shut."Copy !req
290. Oh, God! That's-Copy !req
291. That's nuts, man!Copy !req
292. That's incredible.Copy !req
293. Well, actually, if you look
to the right of the fireplace...Copy !req
294. you'll see the incredible aspect.Copy !req
295. This is the bottle?Copy !req
296. Holy shit.Copy !req
297. This is the coolest thing I've ever seen.Copy !req
298. Well, it's just an old bottle,Copy !req
299. but if you combine it with the story,
then it becomes a-Copy !req
300. if I may say so, a powerful talisman,
a doorway to another time and place.Copy !req
301. Perhaps a drawbridge to history.Copy !req
302. Yeah. So fucking cool.Copy !req
303. Hey, what's this?Copy !req
304. I see you have an eye for the unfamiliar
and the curiosity of a cat.Copy !req
305. That should take you very far.Copy !req
306. That's the baculum of a walrus.Copy !req
307. The, uh, Alaskans call it an oosik.Copy !req
308. Oosik.Copy !req
309. Oh,
So it's like a-like a walrus spine?Copy !req
310. No, it's more like a walrus cock.Copy !req
311. Shut up.Copy !req
312. I'm a dirty boy, aren't I?Copy !req
313. That's a walrus dick?Copy !req
314. No, no. That's the baculum.Copy !req
315. That's the bone that's found in the penis
of most placental mammals...Copy !req
316. excluding man, of course.Copy !req
317. That's not fair.Copy !req
318. Well, it is an aid of sexual intercourse.Copy !req
319. It maintains a stiffness
for the animal during coital penetration.Copy !req
320. You got something like this
between your legs,Copy !req
321. you don't need any help
with coital penetration.Copy !req
322. Jesus Christ!Copy !req
323. You're a rapscallion of the highest order,
Mr. Bryton.Copy !req
324. - Can I get my hands on it?
- Yes, of course.Copy !req
325. Wow.Copy !req
326. Oh, what? This is crazy.Copy !req
327. You would be right to admire the walrus.Copy !req
328. It is probably God's most noble creature.Copy !req
329. Far more evolved than
any man I've ever known.Copy !req
330. Present company included.Copy !req
331. - Thank you.
- You're welcome.Copy !req
332. Appreciate that.Copy !req
333. So where'd you buy something like this?
A head shop?Copy !req
334. Well, I became acquainted with a walrus
when I was lost at sea.Copy !req
335. Shut the front door.
You were lost at sea?Copy !req
336. Yes.Copy !req
337. Who are you, Rudyard fucking Kipling?Copy !req
338. In 1959...Copy !req
339. I was back on a boat
on the, uh, Gulf of Anadyr...Copy !req
340. which is the southern coast of Siberia...Copy !req
341. in Chukchi Peninsula.Copy !req
342. Perhaps the best years of my life.Copy !req
343. And my culinary capabilities
on small seafaring vessels...Copy !req
344. earned me my passport to the world.Copy !req
345. As a matter of fact, it was
my magic with a halibut...Copy !req
346. that landed me the chef's position
on the Anastasia...Copy !req
347. as we traversed into Soviet waters,
exploring.Copy !req
348. - Wait, so this is, like, Cold War stuff?
- No, no, no, no.Copy !req
349. We were in search of
the Siberian great white.Copy !req
350. The great white shark? No way.Copy !req
351. Yes. And the Russians
call the hungry god... "the whale eater."Copy !req
352. It's purported to be 25 feet in length,
with some three tons on him.Copy !req
353. What?Copy !req
354. - Holy shit. Did you find him?
- No, no.Copy !req
355. No, no. We only found death
off the Chukchi Peninsula.Copy !req
356. In the inky heart of night,
the Anastasia collided with an iceberg.Copy !req
357. And I watched the ship disappear in minutes
into the black Russian sea...Copy !req
358. and heard the screams from the crew
silenced in the Siberian brine.Copy !req
359. So what happened after the boat sank?Copy !req
360. I was alone.Copy !req
361. "Alone, alone, all alone
on a wide, wide sea...Copy !req
362. and never a saint took pity
on my soul in agony."Copy !req
363. The Rime of the Ancient Mariner.Copy !req
364. Well remembered, Mr. Bryton.
Well remembered.Copy !req
365. But, you know, when the screaming stopped,
I thought I was alone...Copy !req
366. until something very swift
and frightening moved by me.Copy !req
367. "The many men, so beautiful.Copy !req
368. And they all dead did lie.Copy !req
369. And a thousand, thousand slimy things
lived on, and so did I."Copy !req
370. God. How scared were you?Copy !req
371. Oh, I don't mind admitting
I was terrified.Copy !req
372. I know you've probably been scared
a few times in your life, Mr. Bryton...Copy !req
373. but I would wager to say that
you've never known true terror.Copy !req
374. And I became intimately familiar
with terror that night as I swam.Copy !req
375. I kicked at the water and stroked for I
knew not where. It was so pitch black.Copy !req
376. So I swam deeper and deeper
into the ebony void, and...Copy !req
377. I prayed that whatever brushed by me...Copy !req
378. was now feasting upon
the expedition crew instead.Copy !req
379. Sweet whistling Christ.Copy !req
380. I awoke on the shores
of a very small island...Copy !req
381. regurgitating seawater and
discombobulated beyond belief.Copy !req
382. And then as I stood to my feet...Copy !req
383. I saw the sweetest sight
my orbs have ever taken in.Copy !req
384. I saw my savior.Copy !req
385. I saw a walrus.Copy !req
386. A walrus? A walrus saved your life?Copy !req
387. - Yes.
- What?Copy !req
388. This curious fellow loomed over me...Copy !req
389. with tusks as tall
as Scylla and Charybdis.Copy !req
390. But it was-Copy !req
391. it was as gentle as a milking cow...Copy !req
392. when it took me into
its blubbery body to keep me warm...Copy !req
393. as if I were a newborn chick,
you see.Copy !req
394. - Unbelievable.
- Yes.Copy !req
395. And though I couldn't know what he
was called by his marine brethren...Copy !req
396. I named him after the only authority figure
I'd ever known...Copy !req
397. and ever trusted in my entire life.Copy !req
398. It was a janitor at a boys' home
that I had attended...Copy !req
399. whose name was Mr. Tuskegee.Copy !req
400. So I called my companion "Mr. Tusk."Copy !req
401. Mr. Tus-That's cu-cute.Copy !req
402. Well, cute is for Chinese babies,
Mr. Bryton.Copy !req
403. But my walrus companion was beautiful.Copy !req
404. I have never known such a fulfilling
friendship with anyone...Copy !req
405. human or otherwise.Copy !req
406. And for six glorious months...Copy !req
407. I was at utter peace...Copy !req
408. and I knew the only bliss
this wretched life has ever afforded me.Copy !req
409. Wha-Copy !req
410. What'd you-Copy !req
411. What'd-Copy !req
412. There, there. It'll be all right.Copy !req
413. It'll be all right, Mr. Tusk.Copy !req
414. Oh, shit.Copy !req
415. Oh, fuck.Copy !req
416. Oh, shit.Copy !req
417. Why-Why are you stopping?Copy !req
418. I don't want you to
go to Canada tomorrow.Copy !req
419. Oh, okay, I won't go to Canada.
Just finish.Copy !req
420. You're so full of shit,
your eyes are brown.Copy !req
421. I know. I'm full of shit.Copy !req
422. I'm bad, so spank me. Right there.Copy !req
423. - Nope. Not gonna do it.
- What? All right.Copy !req
424. - Seriously? No. No.
- It's gonna get on you then.Copy !req
425. - No, no, you don't even deserve a selfie.
- Why not?Copy !req
426. We talked about this. I'm gonna take
a quick "Cana-deuce" tomorrow.Copy !req
427. I'll be back in the morning. Can you-Copy !req
428. Making fun of this kid
on the podcast is one thing.Copy !req
429. But to go over there to his house-Copy !req
430. It's-It's horrible. Okay?Copy !req
431. - This just feels gamy.
- Gamy?Copy !req
432. Ally, the kid reached out to me. Okay?Copy !req
433. He turned down
Oprah fuckin' Winfrey to talk to me.Copy !req
434. Me! Come on! This is huge for the show.Copy !req
435. I don't wanna make fun of him.Copy !req
436. But it's for the show.
It's for the podcast.Copy !req
437. You are a real fuckin' asshole.Copy !req
438. And this-this does not
work for you at all.Copy !req
439. Doing your dopey comedy sketches
is bad enough.Copy !req
440. But to exploit him to his face?Copy !req
441. It's vicious. The Wallace I fell in-Copy !req
442. No, that's vicious, to do what you did.
That's vicious.Copy !req
443. That's mean. That's exploitative.Copy !req
444. To get a little taste and walk away.Copy !req
445. Are you serious?Copy !req
446. The Wallace I fell in love with
would not do that.Copy !req
447. The Wallace I fell in love with
would never say this stupid-ass shit.Copy !req
448. The Wallace you fell in love with
was an unfunny little dick-hole...Copy !req
449. who used to make bad Star Wars puns
and couldn't pay his bills.Copy !req
450. I'm sorry,
but I-I kind of prefer the new Wallace.Copy !req
451. The new Wallace made 100 grand
in ads alone last year.Copy !req
452. That was before the T-shirt sales
and all the live shows, so-Copy !req
453. AMC's comin' to see
the new Wallace's showcase next week.Copy !req
454. Why do you think that is?
'Cause of agents?Copy !req
455. 'Cause he played the clubs every fuckin'
night like old, unfunny Wallace used to?Copy !req
456. No, it's 'cause he has a juggernaut
of a podcast, hosted by new Wallace.Copy !req
457. Old Wallace.Copy !req
458. Old Wallace was a fuckin' loserCopy !req
459. who didn't have a pot to piss in
or a window to throw it out.Copy !req
460. Old Wallace had me.Copy !req
461. - He'd like to have you again.
- So take me with you.Copy !req
462. If I bring you-you know this-Copy !req
463. Teddy gets weird and jealous,
and then the show sucks.Copy !req
464. He's got this thing,
like if you're around...Copy !req
465. I'm not as funny as I usually am,
'cause you're a distraction-Copy !req
466. Blah, blah, blah. I can't figure out
what's goin' on in that kid's head.Copy !req
467. If it were up to me, I would bring you.Copy !req
468. Old Wallace wouldn't give a shit.
He'd just take me.Copy !req
469. He would just take me anyway.Copy !req
470. Well, old Wallace...Copy !req
471. also used to wear
a fuckin' stethoscope on stage.Copy !req
472. Oh, speaking of-We saw
my first stand-up set on the show today.Copy !req
473. Hoo! It was fuckin' brutal.
It was even worse than I remembered.Copy !req
474. It was really embarrassing actually.Copy !req
475. Teddy was dying, the little shit.Copy !req
476. News flash:
Cringe humor attack shit is lame.Copy !req
477. Sorry. I didn't hear what you're saying.
I just love that accent.Copy !req
478. "It's lame. It's cringe humor."Copy !req
479. - Love your accent.
- I don't talk like that.Copy !req
480. - "I don't talk like that."
- Listen, 'Stache!Copy !req
481. That's the worst Latino accent
I have ever heard in my life.Copy !req
482. "That's the worst Latino accent
I ever heard."Copy !req
483. Can you just turn down the funny right
now, 'Stache? The podcast is not on.Copy !req
484. - I know.
- It's just me and you.Copy !req
485. I'm trying to be lovey-dovey here,
and you're fucking it up.Copy !req
486. It's because I have a... raging hard-on.Copy !req
487. I want to be lovey-dovey too.
I love lovey-dovey.Copy !req
488. We can be lovey-dovey on the phone
when I'm in Canada.Copy !req
489. You know what we can't do? Fuck.Copy !req
490. So why don't we do that
right now? Come on.Copy !req
491. See? Come on.
New Wallace is kind of funny.Copy !req
492. Yeah, you can be kind of funny.Copy !req
493. I just-I miss old Wallace.Copy !req
494. I miss you.
I miss the real you. Is he in there?Copy !req
495. You know? That geeky kid?Copy !req
496. - Who even thanked me onstage?
- Geeky?Copy !req
497. Yeah, geeky.Copy !req
498. I miss the guy who told me he loved me
the first time we had sex.Copy !req
499. The guy who gets baked and cries
watching Winnie the Pooh.Copy !req
500. You were so sweet. Such a softy.Copy !req
501. Nothing soft about me now.Copy !req
502. Yeah, I know. And it sucks.Copy !req
503. - Relax.
- Okay.Copy !req
504. Wha-Copy !req
505. Wha-Copy !req
506. Well.Copy !req
507. Look who's back.Copy !req
508. I must say you scared
the bejesus out of me.Copy !req
509. Oh, what kind of nurse am I?Copy !req
510. Here you go. Here's your cup.Copy !req
511. Wet your whistle, my dry little thistle.Copy !req
512. - What-What ha-
- What happened?Copy !req
513. Oh, my dear boy.
Well, you passed out right in front of me.Copy !req
514. Man. So tired.Copy !req
515. I mean, one moment I'm waxing lyrically
about my many ocean voyages.Copy !req
516. Next thing I know,
you fell out of your chair and collapsed.Copy !req
517. I didn't know what it was
until I looked down and I saw...Copy !req
518. this rather intimidating little spider
crawling out of your pant leg.Copy !req
519. Spider?Copy !req
520. Yes, a brown recluse.Copy !req
521. Rather toxic little insect.
These woods are full of them.Copy !req
522. Something poisonous.Copy !req
523. Oh, shit. A spider bit me?Copy !req
524. Yes, well, I'm so sorry.Copy !req
525. Where's my phone?Copy !req
526. - Phone?
- I gotta make a call.Copy !req
527. Well, I'm afraid the doctor
stepped on it and broke it.Copy !req
528. I'm afraid it lies in pieces.Copy !req
529. There was a doctor here?Copy !req
530. Yes. Dr. Mosier.
He lives just up the road, eight miles.Copy !req
531. - Mosier? Funny name.
- Yes. Yeah.Copy !req
532. He was here
within a half hour of your...Copy !req
533. incident.Copy !req
534. I forget your name.Copy !req
535. My name? Howard Howe.Copy !req
536. Howard, I can't feel my legs.Copy !req
537. Well, that would be the spinal injection,
you see.Copy !req
538. The recluse sank her fangs into you
and filled you with so much poison...Copy !req
539. that your-your ankle was the size
of an elephant's leg.Copy !req
540. Oh, shit.Copy !req
541. What kind of elephant?Copy !req
542. A very fat one.Copy !req
543. - Shit.
- Yeah.Copy !req
544. So, with the venom
traveling to your heart...Copy !req
545. it forced the doctor-to save your life-Copy !req
546. to take rather, as we say,
drastic measures.Copy !req
547. Oh, my God!Copy !req
548. Oh, my God.Copy !req
549. Holy shit. There's no leg there.Copy !req
550. Doesn't appear to be.Copy !req
551. Just let it out, dear boy. Let it all out.Copy !req
552. My leg is off!Copy !req
553. Oh, my God.Copy !req
554. Nature can be very red in tooth and claw.Copy !req
555. - What?
- Tennyson.Copy !req
556. The fuck are you talkin' about?Copy !req
557. Why am I still here?
Why aren't I in the hospital?Copy !req
558. Well, hospitals carry diseases...Copy !req
559. so Dr. Mosier felt
it'd be best if you were to stay here.Copy !req
560. Since the room is sanitized all day...Copy !req
561. why, it'd be best if you recuperate here.Copy !req
562. That doesn't make any sense.Copy !req
563. Spider. The spider bit you.Copy !req
564. I want to talk to this guy.
Where's the doctor? I want to talk to him.Copy !req
565. Well, uh, the doctor's making his rounds.Copy !req
566. Rounds? What rounds?
We're in the middle of nowhere!Copy !req
567. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.Copy !req
568. No, we're not.
No, we're not, Mr. Bryton.Copy !req
569. I've been to the middle of nowhere,
and it is a ghastly place.Copy !req
570. I don't want to hear
your fuckin' stories.Copy !req
571. What the fuck is this?Copy !req
572. Stop laughing!Copy !req
573. You're funny.Copy !req
574. That's the belt to keep you
from falling out of your chair.Copy !req
575. Why?Copy !req
576. The belt is to keep you from falling over
until the spinal wears off.Copy !req
577. The spinal wears off and you gain
full control of your faculties again-Copy !req
578. that is, most of your faculties.Copy !req
579. I need a phone. I gotta call my family.Copy !req
580. Dr. Mosier removed all the phones
from the house.Copy !req
581. He didn't want you disturbed.Copy !req
582. - What the fuck?
- So I'll-I'll talk to him, and...Copy !req
583. I can ask him if you can
call home after supper.Copy !req
584. - No, I gotta call.
- So it would be best if you take a nap.Copy !req
585. You're heavily, heavily tranquilized.Copy !req
586. I gotta tell my family.Copy !req
587. I gotta use a phone.
I gotta talk to a doctor.Copy !req
588. - Mosier. Dr. Mosier.
- I want to talk to him.Copy !req
589. Well, you can't. He's-He's on his rounds.Copy !req
590. You give me a phone.Copy !req
591. Don't have a phone.Copy !req
592. The doctor removed them all.Copy !req
593. That's... insane.Copy !req
594. Possibly so, but it's true.Copy !req
595. We sup at 6:00 sharp.Copy !req
596. Wait, wait.Copy !req
597. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.Copy !req
598. Wait, wait.Copy !req
599. I am...Copy !req
600. truly sorry for your loss.Copy !req
601. You're not eating.Copy !req
602. I can't move my arms.Copy !req
603. Oh, well...Copy !req
604. that would be the morphine.Copy !req
605. It is capital for the leg pain...Copy !req
606. and perhaps the only thing
that keeps you from howling in agony.Copy !req
607. But it does tend to leave one
a bit sleepy.Copy !req
608. I'm not sleepy.Copy !req
609. Howe. I'm immobilized.Copy !req
610. Well...Copy !req
611. you know...Copy !req
612. I was thinking...Copy !req
613. the melancholy of losing a limb...Copy !req
614. must be akin to mourning a close friend...Copy !req
615. that you too often took for granted.Copy !req
616. There was no spider, was there?Copy !req
617. Yes, there was. A brown recluse.Copy !req
618. Colloquially called the, uh, hobo spider.Copy !req
619. That's interesting.Copy !req
620. You saw it?Copy !req
621. Yes.Copy !req
622. You saw the spider?Copy !req
623. I- I just wish that I'd
spied the little creature...Copy !req
624. before it so viciously attacked you.Copy !req
625. What did it look like?Copy !req
626. The arachnid assailant?Copy !req
627. - Yeah.
- Well-Copy !req
628. Typical spider.Copy !req
629. A legion of legs, you know, et cetera,
et cetera. It was very small though.Copy !req
630. So small you might even
call it "itsy bitsy."Copy !req
631. The itsy bitsy spider
crawled up the waterspoutCopy !req
632. - Holy shit.
- Down came the rainCopy !req
633. And washed the spider outCopy !req
634. Let me out of this chair,
you fucking psycho!Copy !req
635. Let me out! Let me out,
you old fucking nutbag!Copy !req
636. Y...Copy !req
637. Help! Somebody help!Copy !req
638. Now, shall we dispense
with the chuffa, Mr. Bryton?Copy !req
639. Perhaps it would be best...Copy !req
640. in this, our burgeoning relationship...Copy !req
641. to reveal our hearts with absolute candor.Copy !req
642. You see, for some time now...Copy !req
643. I've been constructing...Copy !req
644. a very realistic walrus suit.Copy !req
645. What?Copy !req
646. And I believe with
just a few minor modifications...Copy !req
647. it will fit you perfectly.Copy !req
648. Jesus.Copy !req
649. What the fuck, man?Copy !req
650. But... whilst in the walrus suit...Copy !req
651. you must be a walrus.Copy !req
652. There'll be no sound of a human voice.Copy !req
653. You must communicate
everything you do as a walrus.Copy !req
654. Do you understand?Copy !req
655. Please. Please.Copy !req
656. Oh, no, no.Copy !req
657. Be not vexed or heavy of heart,
Mr. Bryton.Copy !req
658. We two are embarking on an expedition...Copy !req
659. not unlike that of the doomed Anastasia.Copy !req
660. Their mistake was they looked
for the monsters out there.Copy !req
661. They should know that the dark, the beast,
has always lied within.Copy !req
662. Why?Copy !req
663. Why are you doing this?Copy !req
664. "Why?"Copy !req
665. Why?Copy !req
666. To solve a riddle older than the Sphinx...Copy !req
667. to answer the question,
which has plagued usCopy !req
668. since we crawled from this earth...Copy !req
669. and stood erect in the sun-Copy !req
670. is man indeed...Copy !req
671. a walrus at heart?Copy !req
672. Help!Copy !req
673. I almost told him before he left.Copy !req
674. Sometimes I forget...Copy !req
675. that my life is...Copy !req
676. an intricate...Copy !req
677. delicate web of lies.Copy !req
678. And I feel so normal...Copy !req
679. so banal.Copy !req
680. Feels so amazing to be boring...Copy !req
681. and faithful...Copy !req
682. and sinless.Copy !req
683. I even forget what we're doing to him...Copy !req
684. till I remember what he does to me...Copy !req
685. with all those...Copy !req
686. empty women.Copy !req
687. And it crushes me.Copy !req
688. And I hate him.Copy !req
689. I hate him.Copy !req
690. But I hate myself so much more...Copy !req
691. for letting any man do this to me.Copy !req
692. I'm happy my dad's not alive
to see this...Copy !req
693. to see his only little girl...Copy !req
694. put her life on hold...Copy !req
695. for some cheating fucking asshole.Copy !req
696. And I just want to fucking die.Copy !req
697. But every time...Copy !req
698. he destroys me, you-Copy !req
699. you bring me back.Copy !req
700. You make me feel beautiful again...Copy !req
701. and cherished.Copy !req
702. You gave me my humanity.Copy !req
703. Even though we're stripping it down
every time we're doing this...Copy !req
704. I... honestly-Copy !req
705. I don't know how to live without you.Copy !req
706. So look out, you crazy Canucks.
Something weird-ass this way comes.Copy !req
707. Next week, wandering Wallace
takes a raunchy road tripCopy !req
708. up to the Great White North...Copy !req
709. to meet with a star.Copy !req
710. I will be staying at home, per usual.Copy !req
711. Doing what, Teddy? Fill 'em in.
Let's have a real laugh after that tape.Copy !req
712. I- I will be taking your significant other
to the Getty, because...Copy !req
713. in her words, you don't get art.Copy !req
714. I get art too. Why do you keep saying that?
I get it when it's got my face on it.Copy !req
715. Look at all this. This is art.Copy !req
716. - Do you think this is art?
- It's like a museum.Copy !req
717. She's not wrong. All over the walls
of this, uh-of this studio...Copy !req
718. we've sort of created
a man cave-slash-masturbation chamber...Copy !req
719. uh, to while away the hours in.Copy !req
720. I've never jerked off in here, which is
surprising 'cause I jerk off all the time.Copy !req
721. - I don't believe you.
- Okay, you're right to not believe me.Copy !req
722. Teddy, you are my fuckin' hero.
You're taking my girlfriend to the Getty.Copy !req
723. Ally and Teddy go to the Getty.
It's adorable. It's like a children's book.Copy !req
724. Until next time, I'm Teddy Craft.Copy !req
725. And this is Wallace Bryton,
reminding you to...Copy !req
726. join the Not-See Party.Copy !req
727. Clear!Copy !req
728. - Nice!
- That was amazing!Copy !req
729. I didn't know where you were goin'
with that video, but I'm glad you did it.Copy !req
730. It was embarrassing, but shit,
that was fuckin' funny.Copy !req
731. All fuckin' hail the Not-See Party.Copy !req
732. Yeah, everyone except Ally.Copy !req
733. - Dude, she just... wants to go with you.
- I know, I know.Copy !req
734. Why are you always defending her?Copy !req
735. It's so weird.
And I know she wants to come.Copy !req
736. But you know her whole thing is like,Copy !req
737. "Wally, why do you have
to do such mean comedy?"Copy !req
738. That doesn't even sound like her.Copy !req
739. I can't have her around if I'm
gonna get real with this kid,Copy !req
740. and I gotta get real with him.Copy !req
741. I can't be me if she's there. I also can't
get road head if she's there either.Copy !req
742. You're a fuckin' numskull
to cheat on someone that hot.Copy !req
743. It has nothin' to do with how hot she is.
I know she's hot.Copy !req
744. But there is some top-shelf ass
out there who listen to us.Copy !req
745. I'm not kidding.
Plus, you haven't seen these other girls.Copy !req
746. I mean, don't-
don't shortchange 'em, okay?Copy !req
747. These fan girls,
they may be pasty and a little chunky,Copy !req
748. but they're really sexual.Copy !req
749. You bring shame to the Not-See Party.Copy !req
750. I know Ally's hot.
It doesn't take away from how hot she is.Copy !req
751. I'm not married to her.Copy !req
752. I know I sound shitty right now.
I can see you judging me.Copy !req
753. - You goin' to Ally's now?
- Fuck, yeah, I'm goin' over there now.Copy !req
754. I want to break one off
before I fly tomorrowCopy !req
755. so I can get all peaceful on the plane...Copy !req
756. and I don't cause
any disturbances at the airport.Copy !req
757. It's like my Xanax.Copy !req
758. I gotta get the white out,
and I go to bed like a little baby.Copy !req
759. Come on now More margaritasCopy !req
760. Come on now More margaritasCopy !req
761. Come on now More margaritasCopy !req
762. Fuck.Copy !req
763. He hasn't called me in three days.Copy !req
764. I have this pain in my stomach.Copy !req
765. I- I'm worried.Copy !req
766. Ally! Ally, you gotta help me!Copy !req
767. I swear to God, I'm not joking. Okay?Copy !req
768. I was abducted. I'm in Manitoba.Copy !req
769. This guy wants to turn me
into an animal or something.Copy !req
770. He's fuckin' nuts.
You gotta please come.Copy !req
771. Please, please, please, please, please.Copy !req
772. I don't know where he is...Copy !req
773. but I'm somewhere
up in his weird fuckin' house.Copy !req
774. I'm like-I'm like
two hours from Winnipeg.Copy !req
775. I'm so fuckin' scared.Copy !req
776. I'm so scared I'm not gonna see you again.Copy !req
777. I'm sorry I was such an asshole.Copy !req
778. God, I'm so sorry.Copy !req
779. He cut off my leg, Ally.Copy !req
780. Okay, please. Okay, okay.Copy !req
781. Just get here, okay? Call the cops.Copy !req
782. Ally, Ally, I don't want to die in Canada.Copy !req
783. I don't want to die at all.Copy !req
784. Oh, fuck.Copy !req
785. Okay.Copy !req
786. Oh, Teddy, pick up.Copy !req
787. I... honestly-Copy !req
788. I don't know how to live without you.Copy !req
789. So go brush your teeth
and come back to bed...Copy !req
790. because...Copy !req
791. I don't want to stay here
and cry all night.Copy !req
792. Come on now More margaritasCopy !req
793. Teddy, it's me!Copy !req
794. I swear to God, this isn't a fuckin' joke.
I'm being held captive.Copy !req
795. I'm not kidding.Copy !req
796. I'm being held captive by some crazy
motherfucker. He cut off my fuckin' leg.Copy !req
797. Listen to me. You gotta call the cops.Copy !req
798. I'm, like-I'm, like,
two hours north of Winnipeg.Copy !req
799. I'm somewhere-Copy !req
800. I'm somewhere, like, in Bumfuck, Manitoba.Copy !req
801. This guy's name is Howard Howe. Okay?Copy !req
802. It's Howard Howe.Copy !req
803. You gotta call the cops. Call the cops.Copy !req
804. I don't know exactly where I am, but...Copy !req
805. I'm scared shitless, man. I think
he wants to turn me into, like, a-a-Copy !req
806. What the fuck was that?Copy !req
807. Your life as you knew it
is over, Mr. Bryton.Copy !req
808. So if you wish to continue living...Copy !req
809. you will be a walrus,
or you will be nothing at all.Copy !req
810. This freaking guy.Copy !req
811. Ally? Ally, you gotta help me.Copy !req
812. I swear to God, I'm not joking. Okay?Copy !req
813. I was abducted. I'm in Manitoba.Copy !req
814. This guy wants to turn me
into an animal or something.Copy !req
815. He's fucking nuts.Copy !req
816. Teddy. Teddy!Copy !req
817. Hey. Hey.Copy !req
818. Wake up.Copy !req
819. - Wallace. It's Wallace.
- What?Copy !req
820. He's in trouble. He's in trouble.Copy !req
821. What?Copy !req
822. Oh, my God. He called you too.Copy !req
823. Oh, my God.Copy !req
824. Check it. I'm going-Copy !req
825. Come on now More margaritasCopy !req
826. Well!Copy !req
827. Someone's looking for Wallace.Copy !req
828. Come on now More margaritasCopy !req
829. Must be nice to know
somebody cares about you that much.Copy !req
830. Just what I felt
on the island with Mr. Tusk.Copy !req
831. He was the only living thing
that ever had my best interest at heart.Copy !req
832. As a child I was not cared for
so much as I was...Copy !req
833. filed away like a document...Copy !req
834. a document fed into a shredding machine...Copy !req
835. and fueled by the blood of the innocent.Copy !req
836. See, I am a Duplessis Orphan.Copy !req
837. Now, Maurice Duplessis...Copy !req
838. was the premier of Québec in those days.Copy !req
839. He was the head
of the conservative party...Copy !req
840. with strong ties to the Catholic Church.Copy !req
841. As a matter of fact...Copy !req
842. it was in collusion with
these charlatans of the Lord...Copy !req
843. that Duplessis...Copy !req
844. brought upon Québec
Le Grande Noirceur-Copy !req
845. the Great Darkness.Copy !req
846. As a boy of 10...Copy !req
847. my mother and father
took me to Montreal.Copy !req
848. I'd never seen anything so beautiful and
bright and big and wonderful in my life.Copy !req
849. But...Copy !req
850. when night falls...Copy !req
851. in Montreal...Copy !req
852. the monsters come out to play.Copy !req
853. We were walking to dinner and were
accosted by brigands in a back alley.Copy !req
854. My father was stabbed several times
with a mugger's knife...Copy !req
855. and my mother's throat
was slashed as if she were cattle.Copy !req
856. I was placed in
an abandoned boys' home in Québec...Copy !req
857. boys whose lives had been destroyed.Copy !req
858. Provinces were responsible financially
for all of the orphanages.Copy !req
859. The government was responsible
for the mental institutions.Copy !req
860. So Duplessis and the Church...Copy !req
861. they came up with a scheme
to obtain more money...Copy !req
862. by reclassifying the orphanages...Copy !req
863. as mental health care facilities.Copy !req
864. And when nobody
raised their voice in protest...Copy !req
865. why, they just shut down the orphanages...Copy !req
866. and sent all the children, including me...Copy !req
867. to insane asylums.Copy !req
868. And so, for the next five years...Copy !req
869. I was beaten, I was tortured...Copy !req
870. I was raped.Copy !req
871. I've had things in my mouth
that no human being should ever taste.Copy !req
872. They never thought of me as a person.
They just thought to use me.Copy !req
873. And use me they did.Copy !req
874. Priests.Copy !req
875. Politicians.Copy !req
876. All pederasts.Copy !req
877. Even the nurses and...
nuns and night watchmen.Copy !req
878. All of them witches...Copy !req
879. all there to satisfy their most base
physical and financial desires...Copy !req
880. through the rectum and lips of a child.Copy !req
881. So with no one to answer to
for their horrid crimes...Copy !req
882. these devils ran amok with my innocence.Copy !req
883. But at age 15...Copy !req
884. I escaped Canada.Copy !req
885. I went to the United States,
got on a boat...Copy !req
886. and never looked back.Copy !req
887. Until now.Copy !req
888. Yes...Copy !req
889. man is a savage animal, Mr. Bryton.Copy !req
890. Better to be a walrus.Copy !req
891. Yes, Officer, it's B-R-Y-T-O-N.Copy !req
892. We know he rented a car,
but we don't know exactly where from.Copy !req
893. As soon as we land in Winnipeg, we're gonna
go to every rental desk at the airport...Copy !req
894. and see if anyone recognizes him.Copy !req
895. If we can find the agency,
we can find the car using its GPS system.Copy !req
896. R- Recent pictures? Yes. There are
some recent pictures up on the Web site.Copy !req
897. - It's Not-SeeParty. Com.
- Spell it! Spell it!Copy !req
898. Hello? Hello?Copy !req
899. He fucking hung up.Copy !req
900. "The sun was shining on the sea...Copy !req
901. shining with all his might.Copy !req
902. He did his very best
to make the billows smooth and bright.Copy !req
903. And this was odd...Copy !req
904. because it was the middle of the night."Copy !req
905. There, there, there, there, Mr. Tusk.Copy !req
906. There, there, there. I understand.Copy !req
907. It's so very hard to be...Copy !req
908. the elephant of the deep blue sea.Copy !req
909. St-Stop-Stop it.Copy !req
910. Stop it! Walruses never cry!Copy !req
911. Oh, I've missed you, Mr. Tusk.Copy !req
912. How I've missed our merry times together
on Ponder Rock.Copy !req
913. I've regretted every day...Copy !req
914. my return to this wretched... civilization-Copy !req
915. this anxious, silly world...Copy !req
916. with all the banality...Copy !req
917. of a breakfast cereal.Copy !req
918. The worst of man has long been fetid...Copy !req
919. with greed and indifference.Copy !req
920. The best of man...Copy !req
921. has long been lobotomized...Copy !req
922. by reality television.Copy !req
923. I never should have left the wilderness.Copy !req
924. I never should have left you.Copy !req
925. This writhing nest of two-legged vipers-Copy !req
926. Wallace!Copy !req
927. Each devouring the other to stay alive.Copy !req
928. And I've betrayed you.Copy !req
929. For what?Copy !req
930. Man's world?Copy !req
931. An immoral cesspool...Copy !req
932. bloated with the wayward
and the destitute.Copy !req
933. Howard Howe. You gotta call the cops.Copy !req
934. Call the cops.Copy !req
935. I don't know exactly where I am,
but I'm scared shitless, man.Copy !req
936. I think he wants to
turn me into, like-like a-Copy !req
937. - That's it?
- It just ends.Copy !req
938. Are you sure he's not pulling your legs?Copy !req
939. Gettin' up to some
good old American monkeyshines?Copy !req
940. That doesn't sound like monkeyshines.Copy !req
941. You do these comedy podcasts.
Could this just be for grins and giggles?Copy !req
942. We do a podcast,
but he wouldn't take something this far.Copy !req
943. He's not that kind of guy.Copy !req
944. Okay, now stick with me here.
I don't mean to be indelicate.Copy !req
945. But could there be
some sort of sexual angle?Copy !req
946. A romantic entanglement,
an affair or something?Copy !req
947. No, he's not that kind of guy.Copy !req
948. Okay. Well, I did some checking.Copy !req
949. And we don't have a Howard Howe
anywhere in Manitoba.Copy !req
950. Shit.Copy !req
951. As regards your friend,
I asked Border Patrol...Copy !req
952. if they got a report
of him leaving the country yet.Copy !req
953. They say he come into Winnipeg,
and that's it.Copy !req
954. Don't you two worry.Copy !req
955. I'm gonna issue a missing persons on him,
same as they do in the States.Copy !req
956. Thank you.Copy !req
957. But I'll tell you, that leg bit-Copy !req
958. it sure puts the BM
in the PM's coffee, eh?Copy !req
959. That is something.Copy !req
960. - It's creepy, right?
- No. No, it's something.Copy !req
961. I had a fella come in here
from Québec two days ago...Copy !req
962. asking about any legless bodies
that might have turned up.Copy !req
963. Used to be a cop. Said he's hunting
some kind of serial killer.Copy !req
964. I told him Canada doesn't
have any serial killers.Copy !req
965. Unless you count the
pothead who took outCopy !req
966. all the Capt'n Crunch
last night at the Eh-2-Zed.Copy !req
967. Anyway...Copy !req
968. he gave me his number and he left it.Copy !req
969. I'll take it.Copy !req
970. Ahoy, matey!Copy !req
971. You know, it occurs to me...Copy !req
972. that if you are to fulfill your destiny...Copy !req
973. if you are to be a true walrus-Copy !req
974. Well, Mr. Tusk...Copy !req
975. a walrus must learn to swim.Copy !req
976. Good! Good!Copy !req
977. That's it!
Show me how the fishies swim!Copy !req
978. Swim!Copy !req
979. Come on, creature of the deep blue sea!Copy !req
980. Come on, damn you! Swim!Copy !req
981. Yes! Come on! Swim!Copy !req
982. I am Guy Lapointe.Copy !req
983. That is my name. Guy Lapointe.Copy !req
984. And I spended 20 years as the inspector...Copy !req
985. of the Sûreté Du Québec.Copy !req
986. But for the last 10 years of my life...Copy !req
987. I have been hunting an animal...Copy !req
988. who is doing the masquerade as the man.Copy !req
989. I have been hunting this 'Oward 'Owe-Copy !req
990. Howard Howe-Copy !req
991. this elusive, uh, devil
made of the flesh...Copy !req
992. this serial killer...Copy !req
993. who makes the bringing
of the blood and terror...Copy !req
994. to the true north.Copy !req
995. I...Copy !req
996. am a very dedicated man...Copy !req
997. and I have sacrificed my life,
too many marriages...Copy !req
998. any chance at happiness...Copy !req
999. and very likely, some may say...Copy !req
1000. uh, my, uh, uh, sanity...Copy !req
1001. all in the pursuit
of this butcher of the men.Copy !req
1002. And because of this...Copy !req
1003. the solace of the sleep...Copy !req
1004. most of the time eludes me.Copy !req
1005. But last night, after you called me...Copy !req
1006. I sleep like the breastfed baby...Copy !req
1007. and I wake up this morning,
in the morning...Copy !req
1008. and I know that, in my bones...Copy !req
1009. my quarry is close.Copy !req
1010. And he is so close
that I can almost smell his shit.Copy !req
1011. Pardon my French.Copy !req
1012. Who has the Blue Sky with Fries?Copy !req
1013. - That would be me.
- All right.Copy !req
1014. - How about the Gimli Slider, no onions?
- That would also be me.Copy !req
1015. - The Monsieur Maurice milk shake?
- That would also be me.Copy !req
1016. Okay, here's some napkins.
You're gonna need those.Copy !req
1017. - All right. Have a nice flight.
- Thank you so much.Copy !req
1018. You know, I'll tell you something.Copy !req
1019. They don't have these back home, you know.Copy !req
1020. You throw a rock in Québec City...Copy !req
1021. and it will land in a Chez Ashton.Copy !req
1022. And not a single goddamn Gimli Slider.Copy !req
1023. And that, in my opinion,Copy !req
1024. is the only failure of the
mighty people of Québec.Copy !req
1025. How many people has he killed?Copy !req
1026. Twenty-three.Copy !req
1027. And if your friend has been abducted
by the same monster I am hunting...Copy !req
1028. it is probably going to be 24 pretty soon.Copy !req
1029. His MO is always the same.Copy !req
1030. Uh, a month after the disappearance...Copy !req
1031. we find the pieces of the skinned body...Copy !req
1032. and the legs are always
amputated at the knees.Copy !req
1033. Arms are always, uh,
fused t-to the body...Copy !req
1034. like a kind of crucified T. Rex.Copy !req
1035. You know? Like that.
That's what it looks like.Copy !req
1036. And always the mouth and the teeth...Copy !req
1037. have been disturbed.Copy !req
1038. How?Copy !req
1039. That's a very thick, um-Copy !req
1040. What was I saying?Copy !req
1041. How have they been disturbed?Copy !req
1042. In, um, every case...Copy !req
1043. the tongues have been ripped out.Copy !req
1044. - Jesus.
- Oh, yes.Copy !req
1045. It is one fuck of a bummer
to look at, I can tell you that.Copy !req
1046. Were any of them...Copy !req
1047. sexually-Copy !req
1048. Oh, no, no.
He doesn't touch them like that.Copy !req
1049. He butchers them, amputates limbs...Copy !req
1050. cuts out tongues...Copy !req
1051. but he don't do nothing
sexy with them, you know.Copy !req
1052. Never.Copy !req
1053. The boys on the force, uh,
nicknamed this-this killer...Copy !req
1054. the First Wife...Copy !req
1055. because the first wife
doesn't let you talk...Copy !req
1056. she doesn't let you go anywhere...Copy !req
1057. and she does not fuck you.Copy !req
1058. And she don't fuck you.Copy !req
1059. It's-It's funnier
if you've been married a few times.Copy !req
1060. Maybe we should be talking
to someone else.Copy !req
1061. I- I think that that's a very good idea
for you, to go talk to someone else...Copy !req
1062. Mr. Big Bear Riding a Bulldozer.Copy !req
1063. Or maybe you could just, uh, uh, "firm"
your fucking bouche for one second...Copy !req
1064. and listen to Guy Lapointe.Copy !req
1065. - Let me tell a story.
- Okay.Copy !req
1066. I believe that to-Copy !req
1067. Can you come closer?Copy !req
1068. Can you come closer?Copy !req
1069. Closer-You-Can you come-Copy !req
1070. Can you come closer?Copy !req
1071. I believe that two years back...Copy !req
1072. I met this son of a bitch.Copy !req
1073. Well, good afternoon to you, sir.Copy !req
1074. I am Guy Lapointe, Sûreté Du Québec.Copy !req
1075. Oh! Did you come here about the spider?Copy !req
1076. The-Copy !req
1077. I called the police two days ago...Copy !req
1078. because there's a big ol' "psider"
in my potty hole.Copy !req
1079. Your potty hole?Copy !req
1080. The shitter!Copy !req
1081. Oh, I see.Copy !req
1082. So you have some sort of creepy crawler
thing in your toilet box.Copy !req
1083. Yeah, it's a big ol' brown recluse. Yeah.Copy !req
1084. They call it the hobo spider,
and it's mean.Copy !req
1085. I called the police,
and the lady on the phone said to me...Copy !req
1086. "Oh, we'll send somebody out
in a few days."Copy !req
1087. Well, I-I-I have to regret-Copy !req
1088. uh, regretfully inform you
that I am not the man.Copy !req
1089. I'm not that man who was sent by the lady
who said she was sending someone.Copy !req
1090. - I'm not him.
- You're not gonna shoot the spider?Copy !req
1091. As, uh, inspector
of the Sûreté Du Québec...Copy !req
1092. I'm actually not authorized
to discharge a weapon...Copy !req
1093. uh, at a bug.Copy !req
1094. One of the downsides of the job.Copy !req
1095. But, uh, I come today because
I'm investigating a, um-Copy !req
1096. Well, a disappearance.Copy !req
1097. - Oh!
- Yes, sir.Copy !req
1098. The hockey player,
Gregory Gumtree from Québec City-Copy !req
1099. a lot of people have heard of him.Copy !req
1100. I have even heard of him once or twice
before all of this happened.Copy !req
1101. So, many people have heard of him.Copy !req
1102. Have you heard of him perhaps?Copy !req
1103. - No.
- No?Copy !req
1104. No.Copy !req
1105. Well, uh, last month he was, uh,
drafted by the New Nordiques.Copy !req
1106. Oh, well, piss on the new Nordiques.Copy !req
1107. Give me back my old Nordiques.Copy !req
1108. I-Copy !req
1109. Do you know something, sir?Copy !req
1110. I truly respect your, uh, passion for...Copy !req
1111. the game of the hockey.Copy !req
1112. Huh?Copy !req
1113. So anyway, this hockey player,
Gregory Gumtree...Copy !req
1114. I guess he'd seen some sort of, uh,
advertisement in the bar bathroom...Copy !req
1115. that said we can give you
a place to live...Copy !req
1116. in a living situation
that's not far from here...Copy !req
1117. but somewhere between
here and Québec City.Copy !req
1118. And the hockey player, Gregory Gumtree...Copy !req
1119. well, he-he went missing.Copy !req
1120. And so I stopped by...Copy !req
1121. to see if maybe you might have heard-Copy !req
1122. seen something that was
a little out of the ordinary...Copy !req
1123. the other night on that, uh, Monday-
Monday night.Copy !req
1124. Oh, no, not Monday night,
because I'm down at the rink.Copy !req
1125. I'm down at the ice rink
Monday nights with the Little Mites.Copy !req
1126. Oh, do you coach-
You coach the hockey Mites-Copy !req
1127. No, no, I'm not the coach.Copy !req
1128. I'm just the coach's
helper monkey, you know.Copy !req
1129. On Monday nights I come
and I pick up the sticks...Copy !req
1130. and I- and I bring the little ones water,
you know, during the drills and all that.Copy !req
1131. Then on Monday nights
we go out for poutine.Copy !req
1132. Have you ever been to Pouteenie Weenie?Copy !req
1133. P- Poutine, um...Copy !req
1134. really does not agree with me.Copy !req
1135. Oh. I'm sorry.Copy !req
1136. My innards, it creates such a-Copy !req
1137. Poutine gives me the-
just the worst shits.Copy !req
1138. I'm sorry to be so crass about it.Copy !req
1139. By the way, you know,
I didn't even get your name.Copy !req
1140. Bartholomew Mosier.Copy !req
1141. You sure you don't have time
to come in and kill a spider?Copy !req
1142. I would-I-I swear to you
that I would help in any way that I could.Copy !req
1143. Yeah.Copy !req
1144. I would help, but I'm really
just a lowly homicide detective...Copy !req
1145. and I'm really not paid enough to, uh-to,
uh, deal with the savage animals, you know.Copy !req
1146. You know what I think, Mr. Lapointe?Copy !req
1147. I think that the real savage animals...Copy !req
1148. are the human beings.Copy !req
1149. Oh. Thank you-Copy !req
1150. Oh, and thank you so much.Copy !req
1151. - Thank you.
- Thank you, sir.Copy !req
1152. - Thank you.
- Have a wonderful day, sir.Copy !req
1153. Thank you very much.Copy !req
1154. In, uh, all of the "Cananada"...Copy !req
1155. there is no record...Copy !req
1156. of a man named...Copy !req
1157. Bartholomew Mosier.Copy !req
1158. There is no local rink.Copy !req
1159. There is no hockey Mites.Copy !req
1160. And I would also assume that
there is no Pouteenie Weenie.Copy !req
1161. But ever since that day...Copy !req
1162. I stopped, uh,
making the assumptions, you know.Copy !req
1163. The hockey player, Gregory Gumtree...Copy !req
1164. he was probably in that house, you know.Copy !req
1165. And I was standing on the porch...Copy !req
1166. assuming that I was talking
to some harmless simpleton...Copy !req
1167. who spoke funny.Copy !req
1168. But, um, um...Copy !req
1169. one month later we find
what is left of, uh...Copy !req
1170. the hockey player, Gregory Gumtree.Copy !req
1171. His torso was blocking up a sewer pipe
outside of Gatineau.Copy !req
1172. So...Copy !req
1173. the, uh, man-child...Copy !req
1174. Bartholomew Mosier...Copy !req
1175. or Howard Howe...Copy !req
1176. went, uh, poof.Copy !req
1177. Poof. Disappeared.Copy !req
1178. He disappeared.Copy !req
1179. Do you want to know what my theory is?Copy !req
1180. The theory that got me excused
from the Sûreté Du Québec?Copy !req
1181. - Well?
- Please.Copy !req
1182. All of the victims...Copy !req
1183. have holes in the mouth.Copy !req
1184. He cuts off the legs.Copy !req
1185. He sews the arms.Copy !req
1186. But he puts something in their mouth
that we don't get to see.Copy !req
1187. Some of the cops were saying...Copy !req
1188. that the holes were from
the meat hooks, you know, with-Copy !req
1189. To hang up the body while
you strip it of the flesh and all that.Copy !req
1190. You know what I mean?Copy !req
1191. I- I-I-I beg to differ.Copy !req
1192. Well, what do you say?Copy !req
1193. Uh, well, the hockey player,
Gregory Gumtree...Copy !req
1194. Th-Th-the boy that I failed to save...Copy !req
1195. just like all the rest,
he had missing legs...Copy !req
1196. missing tongue, missing teeth,
a hole in the roof of the mouth.Copy !req
1197. But the medical examiner,
he found something...Copy !req
1198. inside the hole of his mouth.Copy !req
1199. It was a tiny piece of the victim's own
tibia bone, no bigger than this.Copy !req
1200. So why would a piece
of his leg bone be in his mouth?Copy !req
1201. Well, I don't know.Copy !req
1202. So I-I go to see this mama of
the hockey player, Gregory Gumtree...Copy !req
1203. and I say to her...Copy !req
1204. "You are the mama,
and you know the things about the child.Copy !req
1205. You feel things that no police,
or nobody, can feel.Copy !req
1206. So how do you think your boy was killed?"Copy !req
1207. And the mama, she-she's crying, you know.Copy !req
1208. And now it is as if
she's like my own mama, you know.Copy !req
1209. And then the mama, she say to me-Copy !req
1210. she say to me...Copy !req
1211. "This man is making a monster.Copy !req
1212. This man is making a monster."Copy !req
1213. Mr. Tusk...Copy !req
1214. why do you blubber so?Copy !req
1215. Are you really mourning
your loss of humanity?Copy !req
1216. I don't understand.Copy !req
1217. Who in the hell would want to be human?Copy !req
1218. God Almighty.Copy !req
1219. In all of my travels...Copy !req
1220. I've only ever known a human...Copy !req
1221. to be an ocean of shit.Copy !req
1222. And my vessel lists...Copy !req
1223. and is leaking.Copy !req
1224. I'm so very tired, Mr. Tusk.Copy !req
1225. Battered by a life...Copy !req
1226. of cruel fate...Copy !req
1227. and poor decisions...Copy !req
1228. and the terrible consequences...Copy !req
1229. of both.Copy !req
1230. The water's wideCopy !req
1231. And I dare notCopy !req
1232. Cross overCopy !req
1233. Nor have I wingsCopy !req
1234. Wings to flyCopy !req
1235. Build meCopy !req
1236. A boatCopy !req
1237. That can carry twoCopy !req
1238. And bothCopy !req
1239. Shall rowCopy !req
1240. My love and ICopy !req
1241. Oh.Copy !req
1242. You must be terribly hungry by now.Copy !req
1243. That is a mackerel.Copy !req
1244. Bon appétit, Monsieur Tusk.Copy !req
1245. Yes.Copy !req
1246. Now...Copy !req
1247. go to the fish, Mr. Tusk.Copy !req
1248. Take the mackerel.Copy !req
1249. Feed.Copy !req
1250. So, this is nice,
and very roomy for an economy.Copy !req
1251. I should have rented this model.Copy !req
1252. Did you prepay for the gasoline?Copy !req
1253. Yeah.Copy !req
1254. So, where do we go first?Copy !req
1255. Now? Where- "Where" is for the wolf.Copy !req
1256. We look for the witch.Copy !req
1257. As in, which one of you
knows this missing podcaster the best?Copy !req
1258. I- I do.Copy !req
1259. - You do.
- Yeah.Copy !req
1260. On the phone message it said that he was
driving for two hours or something.Copy !req
1261. So you know him best. You know
what he likes to do when he drives.Copy !req
1262. Because nobody does nothing in a car.Copy !req
1263. Does he smoke the cigarettes?
Does he chew the tobaccos or toothpicks?Copy !req
1264. Does he drink the coffees?Copy !req
1265. Does he have some other thing?
I don't know.Copy !req
1266. Me, for example, all I do-
I cannot start the car...Copy !req
1267. without having the-
the double-double with eight sugars...Copy !req
1268. and a dash of cream.Copy !req
1269. So wh-what we really need to do
is discern this podcaster's ritual...Copy !req
1270. while he is driving.Copy !req
1271. He likes, um, big, goofy
convenience store drinks.Copy !req
1272. Oh, my God!Copy !req
1273. It's Mr. Mustache!Copy !req
1274. Colleen!Copy !req
1275. - Hurry up.
- I'm coming.Copy !req
1276. Oh, my God. What?Copy !req
1277. No way. It's Mr. Mustache.Copy !req
1278. Mr. Mustache?Copy !req
1279. No, it's not the room I'm interested in
as much as you, Mr. Howe.Copy !req
1280. Y- Tonight would be-
That'd be amazing, sir. Yes. Thank you.Copy !req
1281. All right, where am I going?Copy !req
1282. Bifrost. Sounds erotic.Copy !req
1283. Okay, let me just
ask somebody how far I am. Excuse me.Copy !req
1284. Hey, uh-Copy !req
1285. How's everything over at Degrassi, huh?Copy !req
1286. You kids still gettin'
knocked up and shot at?Copy !req
1287. - What?
- Degrassi.Copy !req
1288. Never mind. How far is Bifrost from here?Copy !req
1289. - Bifrost? Shit, that's far.
- Yeah, it's "aboot" two hours from here.Copy !req
1290. God bless you, generous angels.Copy !req
1291. The kids here at the convenience store
are telling me it's "aboot" two hours away.Copy !req
1292. I hate American guys.Copy !req
1293. You sure that's not
gonna be too late for you?Copy !req
1294. Okay, awesome! Yeah.Copy !req
1295. Uh, what's your address?Copy !req
1296. Hang on one second, sir. Hang on.Copy !req
1297. Hey, hey, hey. Can you get
off those for one second, give me a pen?Copy !req
1298. Sorry, sir.Copy !req
1299. Thank you. God bless you.Copy !req
1300. You guys have pads here in Canada
to write on? You just write in the air?Copy !req
1301. Hey. Just gonna go ahead and write on you.Copy !req
1302. Okay, shoot, Mr. Howe.Copy !req
1303. Yeah. Great. Got it.Copy !req
1304. I'm gonna leave right now,
so I'll see you in about two hours.Copy !req
1305. Good. Okay. Bye now.Copy !req
1306. How much do I owe you?Copy !req
1307. That's me? That's my mustache?Copy !req
1308. Uh, yep! I'm American!
How are things over at Degrassi High?Copy !req
1309. Do you ladies know where Bifrost is?
Uh, duh!Copy !req
1310. You guys suck.Copy !req
1311. So, this pad of paper that he borrowed
to write down the address...Copy !req
1312. I would like for you
to give it to me, please, if you would.Copy !req
1313. - Give him the pad.
- You give him the pad.Copy !req
1314. Give him the pad!Copy !req
1315. One of you must give me the pad now.Copy !req
1316. I thank you very much.Copy !req
1317. Do you have a pencil?Copy !req
1318. Thank you very much.Copy !req
1319. You see that?Copy !req
1320. Wow.Copy !req
1321. It's amazing.Copy !req
1322. They did it in The Big Lebowski.Copy !req
1323. You know, that's exactly
where I learned it from. Isn't that weird?Copy !req
1324. Okay.Copy !req
1325. Now...Copy !req
1326. isn't this soothing to the soul?Copy !req
1327. I know!Copy !req
1328. If I close my eyes, I can almost imagine
being back on Ponder Rock...Copy !req
1329. where I knew peace
in this twisted, hateful world.Copy !req
1330. I miss our little paradise, Mr. Tusk.Copy !req
1331. This is just a poor facsimile
of that magical enclave...Copy !req
1332. where we first became good friends.Copy !req
1333. Remember?Copy !req
1334. Until that...Copy !req
1335. terrible day.Copy !req
1336. Man feeds on the meat and sinew
of the helpless...Copy !req
1337. until we are all...Copy !req
1338. alone.Copy !req
1339. We survive at all costs...Copy !req
1340. only to butcher again...Copy !req
1341. and again...Copy !req
1342. until we ourselves are, at last...Copy !req
1343. butchered in turn.Copy !req
1344. You were not prepared for me
last time, Mr. Tusk.Copy !req
1345. You were not ready for the fight.Copy !req
1346. This time it will be different...Copy !req
1347. because I have hardened you...Copy !req
1348. just to show you...Copy !req
1349. how cruel man can be.Copy !req
1350. And if I've truly brought out
the walrus in you...Copy !req
1351. this time...Copy !req
1352. you just might prevail.Copy !req
1353. Less than a kilometer...Copy !req
1354. from mile marker nine.Copy !req
1355. Yeah. The plates match.Copy !req
1356. - I'm going.
- No, no. He's not there.Copy !req
1357. I promise you he's not there.
But he is close.Copy !req
1358. So, we are about to find your friend...Copy !req
1359. and the dangerous man who took him.Copy !req
1360. These are guns.Copy !req
1361. I- I don't want one.Copy !req
1362. You don't want a gun?Copy !req
1363. Y- You take 'em.Copy !req
1364. Wh-What kind of American are you?Copy !req
1365. - The kind that's never used a gun before.
- Take the fucking gun!Copy !req
1366. Yes, take the fucking gun, please.Copy !req
1367. I'll-I'll-I'll take the big one.Copy !req
1368. Yes.Copy !req
1369. Some years back...Copy !req
1370. I was rescued from
the island of Ponder Rock...Copy !req
1371. a mere hour after I'd butchered
my sweet savior walrus...Copy !req
1372. in order to live.Copy !req
1373. I've marked this occasion
for 15 years now...Copy !req
1374. by allowing my flippered friend...Copy !req
1375. the fighting chance he never had.Copy !req
1376. So, you will fight me, Mr. Walrus...Copy !req
1377. or you will die!Copy !req
1378. Wallace? Wallace!Copy !req
1379. - Wallace!
- Wallace! Up there! Wallace!Copy !req
1380. So, just as I had to kill you
on Ponder Rock...Copy !req
1381. you have a terrible choice to make here.Copy !req
1382. You have to kill me...Copy !req
1383. if you want to live.Copy !req
1384. And if you live...Copy !req
1385. it will be as a walrus...Copy !req
1386. which you almost are.Copy !req
1387. So, either you go full walrus-Copy !req
1388. or this!Copy !req
1389. What the fuck?Copy !req
1390. - Wallace! Wallace!
- Wallace! Wallace!Copy !req
1391. - Wallace?
- Wallace! Wallace?Copy !req
1392. You've lasted longer than the rest.Copy !req
1393. You would kill me if you could.Copy !req
1394. You want to.Copy !req
1395. The survival instincts...Copy !req
1396. have kicked in.Copy !req
1397. But... so have mine!Copy !req
1398. Where is it coming from?Copy !req
1399. - Behind the wall.
- Wallace!Copy !req
1400. - He's behind the wall!
- Wallace!Copy !req
1401. - Hey, this gives!
- Stand back!Copy !req
1402. It is accomplished.Copy !req
1403. You are my...Copy !req
1404. Mr. Tusk.Copy !req
1405. Wallace.Copy !req
1406. No!Copy !req
1407. Wallace!Copy !req
1408. No! No!Copy !req
1409. No! No!Copy !req
1410. Wallace?Copy !req
1411. We're here.Copy !req
1412. It's Ally.Copy !req
1413. And Teddy.Copy !req
1414. The treat.Copy !req
1415. You don't have to hide from us, Wallace.Copy !req
1416. Wallace!Copy !req
1417. I can't even remember the last time you
cried while watching Winnie the Pooh.Copy !req
1418. So I don't cry. Big deal.Copy !req
1419. I'm also a lot older, remember.Copy !req
1420. Crying's kinda for babies.Copy !req
1421. I remember when my grandma died...Copy !req
1422. and... my grandpa was destroyed.Copy !req
1423. He had tears streaming down his face.Copy !req
1424. He was holding her picture,
and I was so worried.Copy !req
1425. I used to say-Copy !req
1426. What's that?Copy !req
1427. "Don't cry, abuelo."Copy !req
1428. And he would say-Copy !req
1429. "It's good to cry."Copy !req
1430. It separates us from the animals.Copy !req
1431. It shows you have a soul.Copy !req
1432. I love you, Wallace.Copy !req
1433. Don't ever forget that.Copy !req
1434. - Welcome to SModcast. I'm Kevin Smith.
- I'm Scott Mosier.Copy !req
1435. Oh, shit.
All right, so here's the third act.Copy !req
1436. He then goes and puts on his suit
made of human skins.Copy !req
1437. And so you realize he's done this before.Copy !req
1438. Like, I'm not the first lodger
and shit like that.Copy !req
1439. Gotcha.Copy !req
1440. So he's in it, you're in yours, and you
have to have one of them walrus fights.Copy !req
1441. Like on the beach!Copy !req
1442. Where you slam each other-Copy !req
1443. And we start saying,
"Is man indeed a walrus at heart?"Copy !req
1444. You ultimately get him and-Copy !req
1445. But then what has to happen
at the end is...Copy !req
1446. once he makes that switch,
he can't go back.Copy !req
1447. Like the clinic for the criminally insane
or something like that?Copy !req
1448. Yeah, yeah, yeah.Copy !req
1449. And you see, like, his buddy-Copy !req
1450. He's got something wrapped in
a newspaper, and then he opens it-Copy !req
1451. It's a fish.Copy !req
1452. Oh, this is awesome.Copy !req
1453. And it is-Like, it's, like,
another walrus enclave.Copy !req
1454. A better version of where he was.Copy !req
1455. He realizes they can't reverse the process.Copy !req
1456. No, they can't.Copy !req
1457. He's fu-Even in his head,
he's gone full walrus.Copy !req
1458. Yeah!Copy !req
1459. And he throws him the fish,
and then fuckin'-Copy !req
1460. The walrus man...Copy !req
1461. scurries over to it, all gross and shit...Copy !req
1462. and starts biting at it at the ground.Copy !req
1463. They play, like, some sad piano music.Copy !req
1464. Roll credits as we pull back
on this overhead...Copy !req
1465. watching him fuckin' eating this fish
off the ground.Copy !req
1466. And there's a song that's just like-Copy !req
1467. Being tender in your heartCopy !req
1468. - Is that a real song?
- No!Copy !req
1469. We need a hashtag for this.
The conversation needs to grow.Copy !req
1470. Two hashtags-Copy !req
1471. Oh, for people who
don't want it to happen?Copy !req
1472. Your vote is crucial.Copy !req
1473. You just had to have the second slider.Copy !req
1474. You just had to have...Copy !req
1475. the second slider.Copy !req