1. I'm gonna-
I'm gonna fuckin' piss my pants.
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2. Hey, if you wanna watch this video,
please go to our Web site-
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3. Not-SeeParty. Com.
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4. - N-O-T-
- S-E-E.
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5. Not Nazi with a "Z."
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6. That'd be like a cross-dressing
Adolph Eichmann-Liza Minnelli impersonator.
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7. If I die of laughter during this segment,
I don't want you to feel bad.
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8. I want you all to know that I died happy,
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9. because this video is
the greatest thing ever.
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10. You seen how many hits he has?
It's up to, like, 30-something million.
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11. Here we-Here we go.
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12. - Shit.
- What the fuck?
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13. I'm gonna talk to this
kid about everything.
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14. I wanna know what he masturbates to.
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15. I wanna know if he kept the leg!
Did he keep the leg?
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16. I gotta say though, man,
I've watched this video enough...
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17. I'm starting to feel bad for the kid.
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18. I'm not laughed out yet,
but I'm feelin' bad for him.
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19. Feeling bad? The kid's got tons of hits!
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20. 'Cause he's famous, right?
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21. I mean, what more do you want?
He's got more hits than I do.
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22. I'm kinda in a weird way jealous. I don't
need both legs. I'm not running marathons.
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23. So look out, you crazy Canucks.
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24. Something weird-ass this way comes.
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25. Next week, wandering Wallace
takes a raunchy road trip...
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26. up to the Great White North
to meet with a star.
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27. My only hope is that
he doesn't cry too much.
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28. Join us next week while Wallace sits down
with the, uh, one-legged wonder...
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29. the master of self-mutilation,
of Internet humiliation, the Kill Bill Kid.
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30. Which is about all you can do
if you're the Kill Bill Kid.
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31. You just sit your one-legged ass
down forever.
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32. It was too easy! It was right there!
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33. You're goin' to hell, man.
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34. They're like plums,
like low-hangin' plums.
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35. - I had to grab it.
- Until next time, I'm Teddy Craft.
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36. And this is Wallace Bryton,
reminding you to...
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37. join the Not-See Party.
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38. Welcome to Canada.
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39. Yo.
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40. Hey there.
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41. Hey there, yourself, uh,
fellow facial hair aficionado.
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42. Yeah, not as good as you. My God.
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43. - New Jersey, eh?
- Yeah, years back.
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44. Now it's, uh, "Los Angle-eez."
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45. A man torn betwixt devils and kings.
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46. - Oh! Hockey.
- Yeah, you're damn right, hockey.
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47. Don't really follow hockey.
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48. Okay. Hands off the counter, please.
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49. - Really?
- Yeah, really. Thank you.
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50. - Sorry.
- "Sore-y."
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51. - "Sore-y."
- "Sore-y."
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52. "Sore-y."
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53. When you're visiting
the Great White North of Canada...
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54. you got your Cana-dos,
and you got your Cana-don'ts.
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55. Top shelf, right there, number one:
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56. Don't go tellin' a Canadian
you don't follow hockey.
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57. Of course. I should have known that.
Makes 'em sad, right?
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58. A Canadian doesn't get sad.
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59. Sadness was made by the USA.
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60. - Oh, come on. What does that mean?
- Take off! It's true!
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61. Right there on our flag.
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62. It's right there when you look at it,
and you see past that sacred maple leaf.
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63. - You know what you've seen?
- A white wall.
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64. You see that in America...
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65. you may be red, white and blue.
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66. But in Canada, you're red,
white, but never blue, eh?
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67. - Ever.
- Gotcha.
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68. That's actually-
I've never thought of it that way before.
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69. I always think of Canadians as just nice.
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70. Well, that right there
is another Cana-don't.
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71. We're not nice, we're optimistic.
There's a difference.
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72. - Right.
- And we're tolerant.
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73. And we're hung like moose.
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74. That's good.
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75. Back to business then.
What are you doing in Manitoba?
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76. Um, I'm, uh-I'm recording a podcast.
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77. So what I do is I-I, uh-
I travel around...
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78. and I interview weird
or interesting people...
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79. and I describe it to my best friend...
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80. who does not see it firsthand...
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81. since he won't fly anywhere.
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82. - It's call the Not-See Party.
- The Nazi Party?
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83. Oh, no, it's-it's spelled N-O-T-S-E-E.
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84. Not the other... hatey one. You know?
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85. - That was Hitler.
- You don't say "Hitler" in an airport.
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86. All right.
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87. What the fuck is this?
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88. Hey.
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89. Shit.
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90. Oh, fuck.
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91. Hey, fucker. Are you ready for this?
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92. Fuckin' Kill Bill Kid
fucking killed himself, sir...
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93. with his own fuckin' sword.
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94. You believe that shit?
I am not fucking kidding you.
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95. Couldn't hold out for two more days,
selfish little peg-leg piece of shit.
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96. I'm so pissed off right now.
I gotta find a flight back tonight.
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97. I'm thinkin' I don't want
to come all the way back with nothin'.
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98. We need a show this week, so...
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99. I'm in fuckin' Winnipeg in a bar...
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100. called, uh, Bar H.
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101. I don't know what the fuck I'm gonna do.
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102. Try to find some other Canadian weirdo
up here I can talk to, but-
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103. I gotta be honest, man.
There is nothin' weird about Canada.
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104. It is painfully boring up here.
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105. But, shit, $550 for
a fuckin' plane ticket.
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106. Selfish little prick.
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107. I know it's fucked up to say,
but, goddamn it, it's killin' me.
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108. All right.
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109. Signin' off from the Great White North.
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110. Oh, shit. Beep.
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111. Hey, man, where's your bathroom?
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112. Hello. I'm an old man...
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113. who has enjoyed a long
and storied life at sea.
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114. I'm a proud Canadian who has traveled
a peculiar path lo these many years.
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115. And after aeons of oceanic adventure,
I find myself a landlubber...
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116. with Manitoba as my final port.
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117. I know I do not wish to spend my
remaining years alone in a giant house...
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118. not when I have such stories to share.
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119. No, it's-it's not the room I'm
interested in, as much as you, Mr. Howe.
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120. Yeah-Tonight would be-
That'd be amazing, sir.
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121. Yes, thank you.
Uh, where am I going?
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122. Bifrost? Sounds erotic.
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123. Okay, let me just ask somebody
how far I am.
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124. Excuse me. Hey, uh-
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125. Uh, how far is Bifrost from here?
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126. Bifrost? Shit, that's far.
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127. Yeah, it's "aboot" two hours from here.
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128. Yeah, the kids here
at the convenience store are telling me...
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129. that it's "aboot" two hours away.
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130. I hate American guys.
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131. Yeah.
What's your address?
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132. So to this end,
I'm offering a room for rent...
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133. in my stately woodland home.
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134. This arrangement will be free of charge...
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135. providing you perform the simple
household chores I can no longer tend to...
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136. from the confines
of this cursed wheelchair.
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137. But though I may be old, I have lived.
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138. And I will tell you all about
my many adventures... in vivid detail.
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139. Please feel free to call me
at the number below.
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140. Respectfully, Howard Howe.
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141. All right.
This better be fuckin' worth it.
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142. You have arrived at your destination.
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143. Hello? Hello?
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144. Hello. Up here, please.
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145. Hello? Hello?
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146. Good evening.
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147. - Mr. Howe?
- Well, actually, it's Howard.
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148. Mr. Howard. Hey-
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149. You know, when people first
become entangled with my name...
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150. it's much like a French bedroom farce.
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151. Now, Mr. Howe would be appropriate,
but I prefer the intimacy of Howard.
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152. Howard.
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153. Now that we have that unpleasantness
out of the way...
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154. may I welcome you to Pippy Hill, my home.
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155. Oh, yes, it's great.
It's nice to meet you.
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156. Pleasure. Pleasure.
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157. Could I interest you in some tea?
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158. You can, but first, uh...
can I use your bathroom?
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159. Smashing.
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160. God.
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161. Hoo-wa.
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162. Oh, Jesus.
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163. Well, did everything come out all right?
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164. Yeah. Great.
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165. - Thank you.
- You're welcome. There's your tea.
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166. All right, thank you.
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167. Yeah, my second wife-
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168. and I presume my last-
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169. used to say, bless her heart...
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170. "Rather saint than sin,
better out than in."
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171. She was referring to gas, of course.
Her own, mind you.
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172. That's great.
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173. - This-Thank you.
- You bet.
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174. Goddamn, this is good.
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175. So, did you find
the water closet satisfactory?
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176. Oh, yes. Thank you so much.
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177. Hoo! It was great.
I was holding it in for half the ride.
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178. It's a little embarrassing, but, um...
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179. I was kind of spooked to get out of the car
in the middle of nowhere.
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180. You know?
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181. I must say...
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182. your phone call intrigued me.
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183. Well, I'm telling you,
your handbill intrigued me.
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184. Did I understand you correctly
on the phone when you said...
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185. you weren't looking
for a living arrangement?
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186. No, I live in Los Angeles.
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187. - Oh.
- Yeah.
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188. City of Angels.
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189. Well, I've never seen any myself.
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190. More the opposite really.
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191. My Grandma Mimsy used to tell us...
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192. "You needn't go very far
to find hell in a handbasket."
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193. I like that. I like Mimsy.
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194. Oh, my grandma-
my grandma used to say...
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195. "Hell is your children."
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196. - Oh.
- Chain-smoker.
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197. "Hell is your children."
She was the worst.
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198. How droll. Bet she must have been
an interesting woman.
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199. Now, she was flatulent. Let me tell you.
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200. I've never seen anything like it.
Or smelled anything like it.
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201. She would hang stuff on her walls too,
just like you.
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202. My life lines these walls, Mr. Bryton.
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203. And though I cannot boast of legs
that are functioning and...
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204. that keep me ambulatory...
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205. I still thank the Lord
for leaving me with a memory-
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206. a living memory of my many adventures.
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207. Yeah, those adventures
are what I'm here about, Mr. Howe.
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208. You said on the phone you were much more
interested in me personally than the room.
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209. Yes, because I saw this.
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210. - Oh.
- Yeah.
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211. I'm up here in this frozen shithole,
I think my trip is a bust...
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212. and I feel like I just stumbled
into a gold mine with this thing.
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213. And you talk about sharing stories.
That's what I do.
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214. I'm a storyteller by trade.
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215. Oh, I see. You're a writer?
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216. Well-I'm a podcaster.
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217. - What on earth is that?
- Oh-
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218. I'm sorry. I'm not laughing at you.
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219. You just-
You just reminded me of my mom.
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220. "Wally, what are you doing?"
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221. Oh, she's the worst. You're fantastic.
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222. Um, a podcast is kind of like-It's like
a radio show that's not on the radio.
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223. It's on-It's on the Internet.
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224. Does that make sense?
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225. Yeah.
That's also like my mom.
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226. It makes it sound more confusing,
doesn't it?
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227. Uh, it sounds like this.
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228. Right, now, you listen-
Now, you listen to me.
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229. I just came in my pants.
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230. That's my-That's my McConaughey
prematurely ejaculating.
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231. Gonna piss my pants.
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232. You can actually say those things
without any repercussion?
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233. Yeah, the audience
likes it real and raunchy,
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234. so I try to keep it real and raunchy-
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235. and real raunchy.
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236. You know, the freedoms
your generation enjoys-
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237. Oh, I tell you, the-
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238. Libertines, the lot of you.
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239. Can I just tell you something?
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240. This is gonna sound really weird,
but I've never had tea like this.
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241. It's blowing my mind.
I feel like I've never had tea in my life.
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242. I'm, like, popping my cherry.
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243. I'm not even a tea person.
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244. I believe we're all tea people.
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245. There's a trick to it, you see.
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246. You soak the leaves
in brandy before steeping.
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247. Of course. Can't lose with booze.
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248. No, always do sober what you do drunk.
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249. That'll teach you to keep your mouth shut.
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250. Okay, now, this one I know.
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251. - Hemingway said that.
- Yes, he did.
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252. And he said it to me.
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253. - You knew Ernest Hemingway?
- Well, we met on the waters of Normandy.
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254. You were there for D-Day?
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255. No, I was there before D-Day.
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256. I was there when it was
called Operation Neptune.
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257. Holy-Hold on.
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258. You were on the beach?
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259. - No, no. I was on a boat, as was Ernie.
- Ernie?
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260. And Ernie was deemed "precious cargo"
by the powers that be...
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261. so he was prohibited from
joining the incursion.
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262. They ordered Hemingway
to stay on the boat? Are you kidding?
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263. Yes, they did, which vexed Mr. Hemingway,
to say the least.
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264. You know how he loved
to hunt the big game?
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265. Yeah.
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266. The big and the deadly? Well, there was
nothing bigger or deadlier than a Nazi.
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267. Except perhaps a Nazi's nagging wife.
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268. Nazi bitches, of course.
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269. And so, prohibited from
joining the incursion...
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270. Hemingway went to the galley
in search of alcohol.
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271. And the only one
to oblige him, of course...
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272. was a 16-year-old
potato peeler on KP duty.
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273. Oh, my God!
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274. Holy shit. No kidding.
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275. Yes.
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276. So I proffered for Mr. Hemingway
a bottle of Weiser.
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277. And I'll never forget what he did next.
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278. There was this smile
crawled across the man's face.
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279. It was so slow,
as if it were a caterpillar.
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280. Then he turned to me and slapped me
on the back, and he said...
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281. "You are a kitchen witch
of only good fortune."
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282. "Kitchen witch"?
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283. God-
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284. So we drank Weiser, and...
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285. when reports came back of how many...
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286. boys had fallen... at Omaha...
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287. that's when he said to me...
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288. "Only do sober what you do drunk.
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289. It will teach you
to keep your mouth shut."
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290. Oh, God! That's-
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291. That's nuts, man!
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292. That's incredible.
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293. Well, actually, if you look
to the right of the fireplace...
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294. you'll see the incredible aspect.
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295. This is the bottle?
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296. Holy shit.
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297. This is the coolest thing I've ever seen.
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298. Well, it's just an old bottle,
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299. but if you combine it with the story,
then it becomes a-
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300. if I may say so, a powerful talisman,
a doorway to another time and place.
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301. Perhaps a drawbridge to history.
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302. Yeah. So fucking cool.
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303. Hey, what's this?
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304. I see you have an eye for the unfamiliar
and the curiosity of a cat.
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305. That should take you very far.
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306. That's the baculum of a walrus.
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307. The, uh, Alaskans call it an oosik.
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308. Oosik.
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309. Oh,
So it's like a-like a walrus spine?
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310. No, it's more like a walrus cock.
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311. Shut up.
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312. I'm a dirty boy, aren't I?
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313. That's a walrus dick?
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314. No, no. That's the baculum.
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315. That's the bone that's found in the penis
of most placental mammals...
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316. excluding man, of course.
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317. That's not fair.
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318. Well, it is an aid of sexual intercourse.
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319. It maintains a stiffness
for the animal during coital penetration.
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320. You got something like this
between your legs,
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321. you don't need any help
with coital penetration.
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322. Jesus Christ!
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323. You're a rapscallion of the highest order,
Mr. Bryton.
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324. - Can I get my hands on it?
- Yes, of course.
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325. Wow.
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326. Oh, what? This is crazy.
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327. You would be right to admire the walrus.
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328. It is probably God's most noble creature.
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329. Far more evolved than
any man I've ever known.
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330. Present company included.
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331. - Thank you.
- You're welcome.
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332. Appreciate that.
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333. So where'd you buy something like this?
A head shop?
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334. Well, I became acquainted with a walrus
when I was lost at sea.
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335. Shut the front door.
You were lost at sea?
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336. Yes.
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337. Who are you, Rudyard fucking Kipling?
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338. In 1959...
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339. I was back on a boat
on the, uh, Gulf of Anadyr...
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340. which is the southern coast of Siberia...
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341. in Chukchi Peninsula.
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342. Perhaps the best years of my life.
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343. And my culinary capabilities
on small seafaring vessels...
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344. earned me my passport to the world.
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345. As a matter of fact, it was
my magic with a halibut...
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346. that landed me the chef's position
on the Anastasia...
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347. as we traversed into Soviet waters,
exploring.
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348. - Wait, so this is, like, Cold War stuff?
- No, no, no, no.
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349. We were in search of
the Siberian great white.
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350. The great white shark? No way.
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351. Yes. And the Russians
call the hungry god... "the whale eater."
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352. It's purported to be 25 feet in length,
with some three tons on him.
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353. What?
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354. - Holy shit. Did you find him?
- No, no.
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355. No, no. We only found death
off the Chukchi Peninsula.
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356. In the inky heart of night,
the Anastasia collided with an iceberg.
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357. And I watched the ship disappear in minutes
into the black Russian sea...
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358. and heard the screams from the crew
silenced in the Siberian brine.
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359. So what happened after the boat sank?
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360. I was alone.
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361. "Alone, alone, all alone
on a wide, wide sea...
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362. and never a saint took pity
on my soul in agony."
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363. The Rime of the Ancient Mariner.
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364. Well remembered, Mr. Bryton.
Well remembered.
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365. But, you know, when the screaming stopped,
I thought I was alone...
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366. until something very swift
and frightening moved by me.
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367. "The many men, so beautiful.
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368. And they all dead did lie.
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369. And a thousand, thousand slimy things
lived on, and so did I."
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370. God. How scared were you?
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371. Oh, I don't mind admitting
I was terrified.
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372. I know you've probably been scared
a few times in your life, Mr. Bryton...
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373. but I would wager to say that
you've never known true terror.
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374. And I became intimately familiar
with terror that night as I swam.
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375. I kicked at the water and stroked for I
knew not where. It was so pitch black.
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376. So I swam deeper and deeper
into the ebony void, and...
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377. I prayed that whatever brushed by me...
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378. was now feasting upon
the expedition crew instead.
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379. Sweet whistling Christ.
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380. I awoke on the shores
of a very small island...
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381. regurgitating seawater and
discombobulated beyond belief.
Copy !req
382. And then as I stood to my feet...
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383. I saw the sweetest sight
my orbs have ever taken in.
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384. I saw my savior.
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385. I saw a walrus.
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386. A walrus? A walrus saved your life?
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387. - Yes.
- What?
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388. This curious fellow loomed over me...
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389. with tusks as tall
as Scylla and Charybdis.
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390. But it was-
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391. it was as gentle as a milking cow...
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392. when it took me into
its blubbery body to keep me warm...
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393. as if I were a newborn chick,
you see.
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394. - Unbelievable.
- Yes.
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395. And though I couldn't know what he
was called by his marine brethren...
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396. I named him after the only authority figure
I'd ever known...
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397. and ever trusted in my entire life.
Copy !req
398. It was a janitor at a boys' home
that I had attended...
Copy !req
399. whose name was Mr. Tuskegee.
Copy !req
400. So I called my companion "Mr. Tusk."
Copy !req
401. Mr. Tus-That's cu-cute.
Copy !req
402. Well, cute is for Chinese babies,
Mr. Bryton.
Copy !req
403. But my walrus companion was beautiful.
Copy !req
404. I have never known such a fulfilling
friendship with anyone...
Copy !req
405. human or otherwise.
Copy !req
406. And for six glorious months...
Copy !req
407. I was at utter peace...
Copy !req
408. and I knew the only bliss
this wretched life has ever afforded me.
Copy !req
409. Wha-
Copy !req
410. What'd you-
Copy !req
411. What'd-
Copy !req
412. There, there. It'll be all right.
Copy !req
413. It'll be all right, Mr. Tusk.
Copy !req
414. Oh, shit.
Copy !req
415. Oh, fuck.
Copy !req
416. Oh, shit.
Copy !req
417. Why-Why are you stopping?
Copy !req
418. I don't want you to
go to Canada tomorrow.
Copy !req
419. Oh, okay, I won't go to Canada.
Just finish.
Copy !req
420. You're so full of shit,
your eyes are brown.
Copy !req
421. I know. I'm full of shit.
Copy !req
422. I'm bad, so spank me. Right there.
Copy !req
423. - Nope. Not gonna do it.
- What? All right.
Copy !req
424. - Seriously? No. No.
- It's gonna get on you then.
Copy !req
425. - No, no, you don't even deserve a selfie.
- Why not?
Copy !req
426. We talked about this. I'm gonna take
a quick "Cana-deuce" tomorrow.
Copy !req
427. I'll be back in the morning. Can you-
Copy !req
428. Making fun of this kid
on the podcast is one thing.
Copy !req
429. But to go over there to his house-
Copy !req
430. It's-It's horrible. Okay?
Copy !req
431. - This just feels gamy.
- Gamy?
Copy !req
432. Ally, the kid reached out to me. Okay?
Copy !req
433. He turned down
Oprah fuckin' Winfrey to talk to me.
Copy !req
434. Me! Come on! This is huge for the show.
Copy !req
435. I don't wanna make fun of him.
Copy !req
436. But it's for the show.
It's for the podcast.
Copy !req
437. You are a real fuckin' asshole.
Copy !req
438. And this-this does not
work for you at all.
Copy !req
439. Doing your dopey comedy sketches
is bad enough.
Copy !req
440. But to exploit him to his face?
Copy !req
441. It's vicious. The Wallace I fell in-
Copy !req
442. No, that's vicious, to do what you did.
That's vicious.
Copy !req
443. That's mean. That's exploitative.
Copy !req
444. To get a little taste and walk away.
Copy !req
445. Are you serious?
Copy !req
446. The Wallace I fell in love with
would not do that.
Copy !req
447. The Wallace I fell in love with
would never say this stupid-ass shit.
Copy !req
448. The Wallace you fell in love with
was an unfunny little dick-hole...
Copy !req
449. who used to make bad Star Wars puns
and couldn't pay his bills.
Copy !req
450. I'm sorry,
but I-I kind of prefer the new Wallace.
Copy !req
451. The new Wallace made 100 grand
in ads alone last year.
Copy !req
452. That was before the T-shirt sales
and all the live shows, so-
Copy !req
453. AMC's comin' to see
the new Wallace's showcase next week.
Copy !req
454. Why do you think that is?
'Cause of agents?
Copy !req
455. 'Cause he played the clubs every fuckin'
night like old, unfunny Wallace used to?
Copy !req
456. No, it's 'cause he has a juggernaut
of a podcast, hosted by new Wallace.
Copy !req
457. Old Wallace.
Copy !req
458. Old Wallace was a fuckin' loser
Copy !req
459. who didn't have a pot to piss in
or a window to throw it out.
Copy !req
460. Old Wallace had me.
Copy !req
461. - He'd like to have you again.
- So take me with you.
Copy !req
462. If I bring you-you know this-
Copy !req
463. Teddy gets weird and jealous,
and then the show sucks.
Copy !req
464. He's got this thing,
like if you're around...
Copy !req
465. I'm not as funny as I usually am,
'cause you're a distraction-
Copy !req
466. Blah, blah, blah. I can't figure out
what's goin' on in that kid's head.
Copy !req
467. If it were up to me, I would bring you.
Copy !req
468. Old Wallace wouldn't give a shit.
He'd just take me.
Copy !req
469. He would just take me anyway.
Copy !req
470. Well, old Wallace...
Copy !req
471. also used to wear
a fuckin' stethoscope on stage.
Copy !req
472. Oh, speaking of-We saw
my first stand-up set on the show today.
Copy !req
473. Hoo! It was fuckin' brutal.
It was even worse than I remembered.
Copy !req
474. It was really embarrassing actually.
Copy !req
475. Teddy was dying, the little shit.
Copy !req
476. News flash:
Cringe humor attack shit is lame.
Copy !req
477. Sorry. I didn't hear what you're saying.
I just love that accent.
Copy !req
478. "It's lame. It's cringe humor."
Copy !req
479. - Love your accent.
- I don't talk like that.
Copy !req
480. - "I don't talk like that."
- Listen, 'Stache!
Copy !req
481. That's the worst Latino accent
I have ever heard in my life.
Copy !req
482. "That's the worst Latino accent
I ever heard."
Copy !req
483. Can you just turn down the funny right
now, 'Stache? The podcast is not on.
Copy !req
484. - I know.
- It's just me and you.
Copy !req
485. I'm trying to be lovey-dovey here,
and you're fucking it up.
Copy !req
486. It's because I have a... raging hard-on.
Copy !req
487. I want to be lovey-dovey too.
I love lovey-dovey.
Copy !req
488. We can be lovey-dovey on the phone
when I'm in Canada.
Copy !req
489. You know what we can't do? Fuck.
Copy !req
490. So why don't we do that
right now? Come on.
Copy !req
491. See? Come on.
New Wallace is kind of funny.
Copy !req
492. Yeah, you can be kind of funny.
Copy !req
493. I just-I miss old Wallace.
Copy !req
494. I miss you.
I miss the real you. Is he in there?
Copy !req
495. You know? That geeky kid?
Copy !req
496. - Who even thanked me onstage?
- Geeky?
Copy !req
497. Yeah, geeky.
Copy !req
498. I miss the guy who told me he loved me
the first time we had sex.
Copy !req
499. The guy who gets baked and cries
watching Winnie the Pooh.
Copy !req
500. You were so sweet. Such a softy.
Copy !req
501. Nothing soft about me now.
Copy !req
502. Yeah, I know. And it sucks.
Copy !req
503. - Relax.
- Okay.
Copy !req
504. Wha-
Copy !req
505. Wha-
Copy !req
506. Well.
Copy !req
507. Look who's back.
Copy !req
508. I must say you scared
the bejesus out of me.
Copy !req
509. Oh, what kind of nurse am I?
Copy !req
510. Here you go. Here's your cup.
Copy !req
511. Wet your whistle, my dry little thistle.
Copy !req
512. - What-What ha-
- What happened?
Copy !req
513. Oh, my dear boy.
Well, you passed out right in front of me.
Copy !req
514. Man. So tired.
Copy !req
515. I mean, one moment I'm waxing lyrically
about my many ocean voyages.
Copy !req
516. Next thing I know,
you fell out of your chair and collapsed.
Copy !req
517. I didn't know what it was
until I looked down and I saw...
Copy !req
518. this rather intimidating little spider
crawling out of your pant leg.
Copy !req
519. Spider?
Copy !req
520. Yes, a brown recluse.
Copy !req
521. Rather toxic little insect.
These woods are full of them.
Copy !req
522. Something poisonous.
Copy !req
523. Oh, shit. A spider bit me?
Copy !req
524. Yes, well, I'm so sorry.
Copy !req
525. Where's my phone?
Copy !req
526. - Phone?
- I gotta make a call.
Copy !req
527. Well, I'm afraid the doctor
stepped on it and broke it.
Copy !req
528. I'm afraid it lies in pieces.
Copy !req
529. There was a doctor here?
Copy !req
530. Yes. Dr. Mosier.
He lives just up the road, eight miles.
Copy !req
531. - Mosier? Funny name.
- Yes. Yeah.
Copy !req
532. He was here
within a half hour of your...
Copy !req
533. incident.
Copy !req
534. I forget your name.
Copy !req
535. My name? Howard Howe.
Copy !req
536. Howard, I can't feel my legs.
Copy !req
537. Well, that would be the spinal injection,
you see.
Copy !req
538. The recluse sank her fangs into you
and filled you with so much poison...
Copy !req
539. that your-your ankle was the size
of an elephant's leg.
Copy !req
540. Oh, shit.
Copy !req
541. What kind of elephant?
Copy !req
542. A very fat one.
Copy !req
543. - Shit.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
544. So, with the venom
traveling to your heart...
Copy !req
545. it forced the doctor-to save your life-
Copy !req
546. to take rather, as we say,
drastic measures.
Copy !req
547. Oh, my God!
Copy !req
548. Oh, my God.
Copy !req
549. Holy shit. There's no leg there.
Copy !req
550. Doesn't appear to be.
Copy !req
551. Just let it out, dear boy. Let it all out.
Copy !req
552. My leg is off!
Copy !req
553. Oh, my God.
Copy !req
554. Nature can be very red in tooth and claw.
Copy !req
555. - What?
- Tennyson.
Copy !req
556. The fuck are you talkin' about?
Copy !req
557. Why am I still here?
Why aren't I in the hospital?
Copy !req
558. Well, hospitals carry diseases...
Copy !req
559. so Dr. Mosier felt
it'd be best if you were to stay here.
Copy !req
560. Since the room is sanitized all day...
Copy !req
561. why, it'd be best if you recuperate here.
Copy !req
562. That doesn't make any sense.
Copy !req
563. Spider. The spider bit you.
Copy !req
564. I want to talk to this guy.
Where's the doctor? I want to talk to him.
Copy !req
565. Well, uh, the doctor's making his rounds.
Copy !req
566. Rounds? What rounds?
We're in the middle of nowhere!
Copy !req
567. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Copy !req
568. No, we're not.
No, we're not, Mr. Bryton.
Copy !req
569. I've been to the middle of nowhere,
and it is a ghastly place.
Copy !req
570. I don't want to hear
your fuckin' stories.
Copy !req
571. What the fuck is this?
Copy !req
572. Stop laughing!
Copy !req
573. You're funny.
Copy !req
574. That's the belt to keep you
from falling out of your chair.
Copy !req
575. Why?
Copy !req
576. The belt is to keep you from falling over
until the spinal wears off.
Copy !req
577. The spinal wears off and you gain
full control of your faculties again-
Copy !req
578. that is, most of your faculties.
Copy !req
579. I need a phone. I gotta call my family.
Copy !req
580. Dr. Mosier removed all the phones
from the house.
Copy !req
581. He didn't want you disturbed.
Copy !req
582. - What the fuck?
- So I'll-I'll talk to him, and...
Copy !req
583. I can ask him if you can
call home after supper.
Copy !req
584. - No, I gotta call.
- So it would be best if you take a nap.
Copy !req
585. You're heavily, heavily tranquilized.
Copy !req
586. I gotta tell my family.
Copy !req
587. I gotta use a phone.
I gotta talk to a doctor.
Copy !req
588. - Mosier. Dr. Mosier.
- I want to talk to him.
Copy !req
589. Well, you can't. He's-He's on his rounds.
Copy !req
590. You give me a phone.
Copy !req
591. Don't have a phone.
Copy !req
592. The doctor removed them all.
Copy !req
593. That's... insane.
Copy !req
594. Possibly so, but it's true.
Copy !req
595. We sup at 6:00 sharp.
Copy !req
596. Wait, wait.
Copy !req
597. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Copy !req
598. Wait, wait.
Copy !req
599. I am...
Copy !req
600. truly sorry for your loss.
Copy !req
601. You're not eating.
Copy !req
602. I can't move my arms.
Copy !req
603. Oh, well...
Copy !req
604. that would be the morphine.
Copy !req
605. It is capital for the leg pain...
Copy !req
606. and perhaps the only thing
that keeps you from howling in agony.
Copy !req
607. But it does tend to leave one
a bit sleepy.
Copy !req
608. I'm not sleepy.
Copy !req
609. Howe. I'm immobilized.
Copy !req
610. Well...
Copy !req
611. you know...
Copy !req
612. I was thinking...
Copy !req
613. the melancholy of losing a limb...
Copy !req
614. must be akin to mourning a close friend...
Copy !req
615. that you too often took for granted.
Copy !req
616. There was no spider, was there?
Copy !req
617. Yes, there was. A brown recluse.
Copy !req
618. Colloquially called the, uh, hobo spider.
Copy !req
619. That's interesting.
Copy !req
620. You saw it?
Copy !req
621. Yes.
Copy !req
622. You saw the spider?
Copy !req
623. I- I just wish that I'd
spied the little creature...
Copy !req
624. before it so viciously attacked you.
Copy !req
625. What did it look like?
Copy !req
626. The arachnid assailant?
Copy !req
627. - Yeah.
- Well-
Copy !req
628. Typical spider.
Copy !req
629. A legion of legs, you know, et cetera,
et cetera. It was very small though.
Copy !req
630. So small you might even
call it "itsy bitsy."
Copy !req
631. The itsy bitsy spider
crawled up the waterspout
Copy !req
632. - Holy shit.
- Down came the rain
Copy !req
633. And washed the spider out
Copy !req
634. Let me out of this chair,
you fucking psycho!
Copy !req
635. Let me out! Let me out,
you old fucking nutbag!
Copy !req
636. Y...
Copy !req
637. Help! Somebody help!
Copy !req
638. Now, shall we dispense
with the chuffa, Mr. Bryton?
Copy !req
639. Perhaps it would be best...
Copy !req
640. in this, our burgeoning relationship...
Copy !req
641. to reveal our hearts with absolute candor.
Copy !req
642. You see, for some time now...
Copy !req
643. I've been constructing...
Copy !req
644. a very realistic walrus suit.
Copy !req
645. What?
Copy !req
646. And I believe with
just a few minor modifications...
Copy !req
647. it will fit you perfectly.
Copy !req
648. Jesus.
Copy !req
649. What the fuck, man?
Copy !req
650. But... whilst in the walrus suit...
Copy !req
651. you must be a walrus.
Copy !req
652. There'll be no sound of a human voice.
Copy !req
653. You must communicate
everything you do as a walrus.
Copy !req
654. Do you understand?
Copy !req
655. Please. Please.
Copy !req
656. Oh, no, no.
Copy !req
657. Be not vexed or heavy of heart,
Mr. Bryton.
Copy !req
658. We two are embarking on an expedition...
Copy !req
659. not unlike that of the doomed Anastasia.
Copy !req
660. Their mistake was they looked
for the monsters out there.
Copy !req
661. They should know that the dark, the beast,
has always lied within.
Copy !req
662. Why?
Copy !req
663. Why are you doing this?
Copy !req
664. "Why?"
Copy !req
665. Why?
Copy !req
666. To solve a riddle older than the Sphinx...
Copy !req
667. to answer the question,
which has plagued us
Copy !req
668. since we crawled from this earth...
Copy !req
669. and stood erect in the sun-
Copy !req
670. is man indeed...
Copy !req
671. a walrus at heart?
Copy !req
672. Help!
Copy !req
673. I almost told him before he left.
Copy !req
674. Sometimes I forget...
Copy !req
675. that my life is...
Copy !req
676. an intricate...
Copy !req
677. delicate web of lies.
Copy !req
678. And I feel so normal...
Copy !req
679. so banal.
Copy !req
680. Feels so amazing to be boring...
Copy !req
681. and faithful...
Copy !req
682. and sinless.
Copy !req
683. I even forget what we're doing to him...
Copy !req
684. till I remember what he does to me...
Copy !req
685. with all those...
Copy !req
686. empty women.
Copy !req
687. And it crushes me.
Copy !req
688. And I hate him.
Copy !req
689. I hate him.
Copy !req
690. But I hate myself so much more...
Copy !req
691. for letting any man do this to me.
Copy !req
692. I'm happy my dad's not alive
to see this...
Copy !req
693. to see his only little girl...
Copy !req
694. put her life on hold...
Copy !req
695. for some cheating fucking asshole.
Copy !req
696. And I just want to fucking die.
Copy !req
697. But every time...
Copy !req
698. he destroys me, you-
Copy !req
699. you bring me back.
Copy !req
700. You make me feel beautiful again...
Copy !req
701. and cherished.
Copy !req
702. You gave me my humanity.
Copy !req
703. Even though we're stripping it down
every time we're doing this...
Copy !req
704. I... honestly-
Copy !req
705. I don't know how to live without you.
Copy !req
706. So look out, you crazy Canucks.
Something weird-ass this way comes.
Copy !req
707. Next week, wandering Wallace
takes a raunchy road trip
Copy !req
708. up to the Great White North...
Copy !req
709. to meet with a star.
Copy !req
710. I will be staying at home, per usual.
Copy !req
711. Doing what, Teddy? Fill 'em in.
Let's have a real laugh after that tape.
Copy !req
712. I- I will be taking your significant other
to the Getty, because...
Copy !req
713. in her words, you don't get art.
Copy !req
714. I get art too. Why do you keep saying that?
I get it when it's got my face on it.
Copy !req
715. Look at all this. This is art.
Copy !req
716. - Do you think this is art?
- It's like a museum.
Copy !req
717. She's not wrong. All over the walls
of this, uh-of this studio...
Copy !req
718. we've sort of created
a man cave-slash-masturbation chamber...
Copy !req
719. uh, to while away the hours in.
Copy !req
720. I've never jerked off in here, which is
surprising 'cause I jerk off all the time.
Copy !req
721. - I don't believe you.
- Okay, you're right to not believe me.
Copy !req
722. Teddy, you are my fuckin' hero.
You're taking my girlfriend to the Getty.
Copy !req
723. Ally and Teddy go to the Getty.
It's adorable. It's like a children's book.
Copy !req
724. Until next time, I'm Teddy Craft.
Copy !req
725. And this is Wallace Bryton,
reminding you to...
Copy !req
726. join the Not-See Party.
Copy !req
727. Clear!
Copy !req
728. - Nice!
- That was amazing!
Copy !req
729. I didn't know where you were goin'
with that video, but I'm glad you did it.
Copy !req
730. It was embarrassing, but shit,
that was fuckin' funny.
Copy !req
731. All fuckin' hail the Not-See Party.
Copy !req
732. Yeah, everyone except Ally.
Copy !req
733. - Dude, she just... wants to go with you.
- I know, I know.
Copy !req
734. Why are you always defending her?
Copy !req
735. It's so weird.
And I know she wants to come.
Copy !req
736. But you know her whole thing is like,
Copy !req
737. "Wally, why do you have
to do such mean comedy?"
Copy !req
738. That doesn't even sound like her.
Copy !req
739. I can't have her around if I'm
gonna get real with this kid,
Copy !req
740. and I gotta get real with him.
Copy !req
741. I can't be me if she's there. I also can't
get road head if she's there either.
Copy !req
742. You're a fuckin' numskull
to cheat on someone that hot.
Copy !req
743. It has nothin' to do with how hot she is.
I know she's hot.
Copy !req
744. But there is some top-shelf ass
out there who listen to us.
Copy !req
745. I'm not kidding.
Plus, you haven't seen these other girls.
Copy !req
746. I mean, don't-
don't shortchange 'em, okay?
Copy !req
747. These fan girls,
they may be pasty and a little chunky,
Copy !req
748. but they're really sexual.
Copy !req
749. You bring shame to the Not-See Party.
Copy !req
750. I know Ally's hot.
It doesn't take away from how hot she is.
Copy !req
751. I'm not married to her.
Copy !req
752. I know I sound shitty right now.
I can see you judging me.
Copy !req
753. - You goin' to Ally's now?
- Fuck, yeah, I'm goin' over there now.
Copy !req
754. I want to break one off
before I fly tomorrow
Copy !req
755. so I can get all peaceful on the plane...
Copy !req
756. and I don't cause
any disturbances at the airport.
Copy !req
757. It's like my Xanax.
Copy !req
758. I gotta get the white out,
and I go to bed like a little baby.
Copy !req
759. Come on now More margaritas
Copy !req
760. Come on now More margaritas
Copy !req
761. Come on now More margaritas
Copy !req
762. Fuck.
Copy !req
763. He hasn't called me in three days.
Copy !req
764. I have this pain in my stomach.
Copy !req
765. I- I'm worried.
Copy !req
766. Ally! Ally, you gotta help me!
Copy !req
767. I swear to God, I'm not joking. Okay?
Copy !req
768. I was abducted. I'm in Manitoba.
Copy !req
769. This guy wants to turn me
into an animal or something.
Copy !req
770. He's fuckin' nuts.
You gotta please come.
Copy !req
771. Please, please, please, please, please.
Copy !req
772. I don't know where he is...
Copy !req
773. but I'm somewhere
up in his weird fuckin' house.
Copy !req
774. I'm like-I'm like
two hours from Winnipeg.
Copy !req
775. I'm so fuckin' scared.
Copy !req
776. I'm so scared I'm not gonna see you again.
Copy !req
777. I'm sorry I was such an asshole.
Copy !req
778. God, I'm so sorry.
Copy !req
779. He cut off my leg, Ally.
Copy !req
780. Okay, please. Okay, okay.
Copy !req
781. Just get here, okay? Call the cops.
Copy !req
782. Ally, Ally, I don't want to die in Canada.
Copy !req
783. I don't want to die at all.
Copy !req
784. Oh, fuck.
Copy !req
785. Okay.
Copy !req
786. Oh, Teddy, pick up.
Copy !req
787. I... honestly-
Copy !req
788. I don't know how to live without you.
Copy !req
789. So go brush your teeth
and come back to bed...
Copy !req
790. because...
Copy !req
791. I don't want to stay here
and cry all night.
Copy !req
792. Come on now More margaritas
Copy !req
793. Teddy, it's me!
Copy !req
794. I swear to God, this isn't a fuckin' joke.
I'm being held captive.
Copy !req
795. I'm not kidding.
Copy !req
796. I'm being held captive by some crazy
motherfucker. He cut off my fuckin' leg.
Copy !req
797. Listen to me. You gotta call the cops.
Copy !req
798. I'm, like-I'm, like,
two hours north of Winnipeg.
Copy !req
799. I'm somewhere-
Copy !req
800. I'm somewhere, like, in Bumfuck, Manitoba.
Copy !req
801. This guy's name is Howard Howe. Okay?
Copy !req
802. It's Howard Howe.
Copy !req
803. You gotta call the cops. Call the cops.
Copy !req
804. I don't know exactly where I am, but...
Copy !req
805. I'm scared shitless, man. I think
he wants to turn me into, like, a-a-
Copy !req
806. What the fuck was that?
Copy !req
807. Your life as you knew it
is over, Mr. Bryton.
Copy !req
808. So if you wish to continue living...
Copy !req
809. you will be a walrus,
or you will be nothing at all.
Copy !req
810. This freaking guy.
Copy !req
811. Ally? Ally, you gotta help me.
Copy !req
812. I swear to God, I'm not joking. Okay?
Copy !req
813. I was abducted. I'm in Manitoba.
Copy !req
814. This guy wants to turn me
into an animal or something.
Copy !req
815. He's fucking nuts.
Copy !req
816. Teddy. Teddy!
Copy !req
817. Hey. Hey.
Copy !req
818. Wake up.
Copy !req
819. - Wallace. It's Wallace.
- What?
Copy !req
820. He's in trouble. He's in trouble.
Copy !req
821. What?
Copy !req
822. Oh, my God. He called you too.
Copy !req
823. Oh, my God.
Copy !req
824. Check it. I'm going-
Copy !req
825. Come on now More margaritas
Copy !req
826. Well!
Copy !req
827. Someone's looking for Wallace.
Copy !req
828. Come on now More margaritas
Copy !req
829. Must be nice to know
somebody cares about you that much.
Copy !req
830. Just what I felt
on the island with Mr. Tusk.
Copy !req
831. He was the only living thing
that ever had my best interest at heart.
Copy !req
832. As a child I was not cared for
so much as I was...
Copy !req
833. filed away like a document...
Copy !req
834. a document fed into a shredding machine...
Copy !req
835. and fueled by the blood of the innocent.
Copy !req
836. See, I am a Duplessis Orphan.
Copy !req
837. Now, Maurice Duplessis...
Copy !req
838. was the premier of Québec in those days.
Copy !req
839. He was the head
of the conservative party...
Copy !req
840. with strong ties to the Catholic Church.
Copy !req
841. As a matter of fact...
Copy !req
842. it was in collusion with
these charlatans of the Lord...
Copy !req
843. that Duplessis...
Copy !req
844. brought upon Québec
Le Grande Noirceur-
Copy !req
845. the Great Darkness.
Copy !req
846. As a boy of 10...
Copy !req
847. my mother and father
took me to Montreal.
Copy !req
848. I'd never seen anything so beautiful and
bright and big and wonderful in my life.
Copy !req
849. But...
Copy !req
850. when night falls...
Copy !req
851. in Montreal...
Copy !req
852. the monsters come out to play.
Copy !req
853. We were walking to dinner and were
accosted by brigands in a back alley.
Copy !req
854. My father was stabbed several times
with a mugger's knife...
Copy !req
855. and my mother's throat
was slashed as if she were cattle.
Copy !req
856. I was placed in
an abandoned boys' home in Québec...
Copy !req
857. boys whose lives had been destroyed.
Copy !req
858. Provinces were responsible financially
for all of the orphanages.
Copy !req
859. The government was responsible
for the mental institutions.
Copy !req
860. So Duplessis and the Church...
Copy !req
861. they came up with a scheme
to obtain more money...
Copy !req
862. by reclassifying the orphanages...
Copy !req
863. as mental health care facilities.
Copy !req
864. And when nobody
raised their voice in protest...
Copy !req
865. why, they just shut down the orphanages...
Copy !req
866. and sent all the children, including me...
Copy !req
867. to insane asylums.
Copy !req
868. And so, for the next five years...
Copy !req
869. I was beaten, I was tortured...
Copy !req
870. I was raped.
Copy !req
871. I've had things in my mouth
that no human being should ever taste.
Copy !req
872. They never thought of me as a person.
They just thought to use me.
Copy !req
873. And use me they did.
Copy !req
874. Priests.
Copy !req
875. Politicians.
Copy !req
876. All pederasts.
Copy !req
877. Even the nurses and...
nuns and night watchmen.
Copy !req
878. All of them witches...
Copy !req
879. all there to satisfy their most base
physical and financial desires...
Copy !req
880. through the rectum and lips of a child.
Copy !req
881. So with no one to answer to
for their horrid crimes...
Copy !req
882. these devils ran amok with my innocence.
Copy !req
883. But at age 15...
Copy !req
884. I escaped Canada.
Copy !req
885. I went to the United States,
got on a boat...
Copy !req
886. and never looked back.
Copy !req
887. Until now.
Copy !req
888. Yes...
Copy !req
889. man is a savage animal, Mr. Bryton.
Copy !req
890. Better to be a walrus.
Copy !req
891. Yes, Officer, it's B-R-Y-T-O-N.
Copy !req
892. We know he rented a car,
but we don't know exactly where from.
Copy !req
893. As soon as we land in Winnipeg, we're gonna
go to every rental desk at the airport...
Copy !req
894. and see if anyone recognizes him.
Copy !req
895. If we can find the agency,
we can find the car using its GPS system.
Copy !req
896. R- Recent pictures? Yes. There are
some recent pictures up on the Web site.
Copy !req
897. - It's Not-SeeParty. Com.
- Spell it! Spell it!
Copy !req
898. Hello? Hello?
Copy !req
899. He fucking hung up.
Copy !req
900. "The sun was shining on the sea...
Copy !req
901. shining with all his might.
Copy !req
902. He did his very best
to make the billows smooth and bright.
Copy !req
903. And this was odd...
Copy !req
904. because it was the middle of the night."
Copy !req
905. There, there, there, there, Mr. Tusk.
Copy !req
906. There, there, there. I understand.
Copy !req
907. It's so very hard to be...
Copy !req
908. the elephant of the deep blue sea.
Copy !req
909. St-Stop-Stop it.
Copy !req
910. Stop it! Walruses never cry!
Copy !req
911. Oh, I've missed you, Mr. Tusk.
Copy !req
912. How I've missed our merry times together
on Ponder Rock.
Copy !req
913. I've regretted every day...
Copy !req
914. my return to this wretched... civilization-
Copy !req
915. this anxious, silly world...
Copy !req
916. with all the banality...
Copy !req
917. of a breakfast cereal.
Copy !req
918. The worst of man has long been fetid...
Copy !req
919. with greed and indifference.
Copy !req
920. The best of man...
Copy !req
921. has long been lobotomized...
Copy !req
922. by reality television.
Copy !req
923. I never should have left the wilderness.
Copy !req
924. I never should have left you.
Copy !req
925. This writhing nest of two-legged vipers-
Copy !req
926. Wallace!
Copy !req
927. Each devouring the other to stay alive.
Copy !req
928. And I've betrayed you.
Copy !req
929. For what?
Copy !req
930. Man's world?
Copy !req
931. An immoral cesspool...
Copy !req
932. bloated with the wayward
and the destitute.
Copy !req
933. Howard Howe. You gotta call the cops.
Copy !req
934. Call the cops.
Copy !req
935. I don't know exactly where I am,
but I'm scared shitless, man.
Copy !req
936. I think he wants to
turn me into, like-like a-
Copy !req
937. - That's it?
- It just ends.
Copy !req
938. Are you sure he's not pulling your legs?
Copy !req
939. Gettin' up to some
good old American monkeyshines?
Copy !req
940. That doesn't sound like monkeyshines.
Copy !req
941. You do these comedy podcasts.
Could this just be for grins and giggles?
Copy !req
942. We do a podcast,
but he wouldn't take something this far.
Copy !req
943. He's not that kind of guy.
Copy !req
944. Okay, now stick with me here.
I don't mean to be indelicate.
Copy !req
945. But could there be
some sort of sexual angle?
Copy !req
946. A romantic entanglement,
an affair or something?
Copy !req
947. No, he's not that kind of guy.
Copy !req
948. Okay. Well, I did some checking.
Copy !req
949. And we don't have a Howard Howe
anywhere in Manitoba.
Copy !req
950. Shit.
Copy !req
951. As regards your friend,
I asked Border Patrol...
Copy !req
952. if they got a report
of him leaving the country yet.
Copy !req
953. They say he come into Winnipeg,
and that's it.
Copy !req
954. Don't you two worry.
Copy !req
955. I'm gonna issue a missing persons on him,
same as they do in the States.
Copy !req
956. Thank you.
Copy !req
957. But I'll tell you, that leg bit-
Copy !req
958. it sure puts the BM
in the PM's coffee, eh?
Copy !req
959. That is something.
Copy !req
960. - It's creepy, right?
- No. No, it's something.
Copy !req
961. I had a fella come in here
from Québec two days ago...
Copy !req
962. asking about any legless bodies
that might have turned up.
Copy !req
963. Used to be a cop. Said he's hunting
some kind of serial killer.
Copy !req
964. I told him Canada doesn't
have any serial killers.
Copy !req
965. Unless you count the
pothead who took out
Copy !req
966. all the Capt'n Crunch
last night at the Eh-2-Zed.
Copy !req
967. Anyway...
Copy !req
968. he gave me his number and he left it.
Copy !req
969. I'll take it.
Copy !req
970. Ahoy, matey!
Copy !req
971. You know, it occurs to me...
Copy !req
972. that if you are to fulfill your destiny...
Copy !req
973. if you are to be a true walrus-
Copy !req
974. Well, Mr. Tusk...
Copy !req
975. a walrus must learn to swim.
Copy !req
976. Good! Good!
Copy !req
977. That's it!
Show me how the fishies swim!
Copy !req
978. Swim!
Copy !req
979. Come on, creature of the deep blue sea!
Copy !req
980. Come on, damn you! Swim!
Copy !req
981. Yes! Come on! Swim!
Copy !req
982. I am Guy Lapointe.
Copy !req
983. That is my name. Guy Lapointe.
Copy !req
984. And I spended 20 years as the inspector...
Copy !req
985. of the Sûreté Du Québec.
Copy !req
986. But for the last 10 years of my life...
Copy !req
987. I have been hunting an animal...
Copy !req
988. who is doing the masquerade as the man.
Copy !req
989. I have been hunting this 'Oward 'Owe-
Copy !req
990. Howard Howe-
Copy !req
991. this elusive, uh, devil
made of the flesh...
Copy !req
992. this serial killer...
Copy !req
993. who makes the bringing
of the blood and terror...
Copy !req
994. to the true north.
Copy !req
995. I...
Copy !req
996. am a very dedicated man...
Copy !req
997. and I have sacrificed my life,
too many marriages...
Copy !req
998. any chance at happiness...
Copy !req
999. and very likely, some may say...
Copy !req
1000. uh, my, uh, uh, sanity...
Copy !req
1001. all in the pursuit
of this butcher of the men.
Copy !req
1002. And because of this...
Copy !req
1003. the solace of the sleep...
Copy !req
1004. most of the time eludes me.
Copy !req
1005. But last night, after you called me...
Copy !req
1006. I sleep like the breastfed baby...
Copy !req
1007. and I wake up this morning,
in the morning...
Copy !req
1008. and I know that, in my bones...
Copy !req
1009. my quarry is close.
Copy !req
1010. And he is so close
that I can almost smell his shit.
Copy !req
1011. Pardon my French.
Copy !req
1012. Who has the Blue Sky with Fries?
Copy !req
1013. - That would be me.
- All right.
Copy !req
1014. - How about the Gimli Slider, no onions?
- That would also be me.
Copy !req
1015. - The Monsieur Maurice milk shake?
- That would also be me.
Copy !req
1016. Okay, here's some napkins.
You're gonna need those.
Copy !req
1017. - All right. Have a nice flight.
- Thank you so much.
Copy !req
1018. You know, I'll tell you something.
Copy !req
1019. They don't have these back home, you know.
Copy !req
1020. You throw a rock in Québec City...
Copy !req
1021. and it will land in a Chez Ashton.
Copy !req
1022. And not a single goddamn Gimli Slider.
Copy !req
1023. And that, in my opinion,
Copy !req
1024. is the only failure of the
mighty people of Québec.
Copy !req
1025. How many people has he killed?
Copy !req
1026. Twenty-three.
Copy !req
1027. And if your friend has been abducted
by the same monster I am hunting...
Copy !req
1028. it is probably going to be 24 pretty soon.
Copy !req
1029. His MO is always the same.
Copy !req
1030. Uh, a month after the disappearance...
Copy !req
1031. we find the pieces of the skinned body...
Copy !req
1032. and the legs are always
amputated at the knees.
Copy !req
1033. Arms are always, uh,
fused t-to the body...
Copy !req
1034. like a kind of crucified T. Rex.
Copy !req
1035. You know? Like that.
That's what it looks like.
Copy !req
1036. And always the mouth and the teeth...
Copy !req
1037. have been disturbed.
Copy !req
1038. How?
Copy !req
1039. That's a very thick, um-
Copy !req
1040. What was I saying?
Copy !req
1041. How have they been disturbed?
Copy !req
1042. In, um, every case...
Copy !req
1043. the tongues have been ripped out.
Copy !req
1044. - Jesus.
- Oh, yes.
Copy !req
1045. It is one fuck of a bummer
to look at, I can tell you that.
Copy !req
1046. Were any of them...
Copy !req
1047. sexually-
Copy !req
1048. Oh, no, no.
He doesn't touch them like that.
Copy !req
1049. He butchers them, amputates limbs...
Copy !req
1050. cuts out tongues...
Copy !req
1051. but he don't do nothing
sexy with them, you know.
Copy !req
1052. Never.
Copy !req
1053. The boys on the force, uh,
nicknamed this-this killer...
Copy !req
1054. the First Wife...
Copy !req
1055. because the first wife
doesn't let you talk...
Copy !req
1056. she doesn't let you go anywhere...
Copy !req
1057. and she does not fuck you.
Copy !req
1058. And she don't fuck you.
Copy !req
1059. It's-It's funnier
if you've been married a few times.
Copy !req
1060. Maybe we should be talking
to someone else.
Copy !req
1061. I- I think that that's a very good idea
for you, to go talk to someone else...
Copy !req
1062. Mr. Big Bear Riding a Bulldozer.
Copy !req
1063. Or maybe you could just, uh, uh, "firm"
your fucking bouche for one second...
Copy !req
1064. and listen to Guy Lapointe.
Copy !req
1065. - Let me tell a story.
- Okay.
Copy !req
1066. I believe that to-
Copy !req
1067. Can you come closer?
Copy !req
1068. Can you come closer?
Copy !req
1069. Closer-You-Can you come-
Copy !req
1070. Can you come closer?
Copy !req
1071. I believe that two years back...
Copy !req
1072. I met this son of a bitch.
Copy !req
1073. Well, good afternoon to you, sir.
Copy !req
1074. I am Guy Lapointe, Sûreté Du Québec.
Copy !req
1075. Oh! Did you come here about the spider?
Copy !req
1076. The-
Copy !req
1077. I called the police two days ago...
Copy !req
1078. because there's a big ol' "psider"
in my potty hole.
Copy !req
1079. Your potty hole?
Copy !req
1080. The shitter!
Copy !req
1081. Oh, I see.
Copy !req
1082. So you have some sort of creepy crawler
thing in your toilet box.
Copy !req
1083. Yeah, it's a big ol' brown recluse. Yeah.
Copy !req
1084. They call it the hobo spider,
and it's mean.
Copy !req
1085. I called the police,
and the lady on the phone said to me...
Copy !req
1086. "Oh, we'll send somebody out
in a few days."
Copy !req
1087. Well, I-I-I have to regret-
Copy !req
1088. uh, regretfully inform you
that I am not the man.
Copy !req
1089. I'm not that man who was sent by the lady
who said she was sending someone.
Copy !req
1090. - I'm not him.
- You're not gonna shoot the spider?
Copy !req
1091. As, uh, inspector
of the Sûreté Du Québec...
Copy !req
1092. I'm actually not authorized
to discharge a weapon...
Copy !req
1093. uh, at a bug.
Copy !req
1094. One of the downsides of the job.
Copy !req
1095. But, uh, I come today because
I'm investigating a, um-
Copy !req
1096. Well, a disappearance.
Copy !req
1097. - Oh!
- Yes, sir.
Copy !req
1098. The hockey player,
Gregory Gumtree from Québec City-
Copy !req
1099. a lot of people have heard of him.
Copy !req
1100. I have even heard of him once or twice
before all of this happened.
Copy !req
1101. So, many people have heard of him.
Copy !req
1102. Have you heard of him perhaps?
Copy !req
1103. - No.
- No?
Copy !req
1104. No.
Copy !req
1105. Well, uh, last month he was, uh,
drafted by the New Nordiques.
Copy !req
1106. Oh, well, piss on the new Nordiques.
Copy !req
1107. Give me back my old Nordiques.
Copy !req
1108. I-
Copy !req
1109. Do you know something, sir?
Copy !req
1110. I truly respect your, uh, passion for...
Copy !req
1111. the game of the hockey.
Copy !req
1112. Huh?
Copy !req
1113. So anyway, this hockey player,
Gregory Gumtree...
Copy !req
1114. I guess he'd seen some sort of, uh,
advertisement in the bar bathroom...
Copy !req
1115. that said we can give you
a place to live...
Copy !req
1116. in a living situation
that's not far from here...
Copy !req
1117. but somewhere between
here and Québec City.
Copy !req
1118. And the hockey player, Gregory Gumtree...
Copy !req
1119. well, he-he went missing.
Copy !req
1120. And so I stopped by...
Copy !req
1121. to see if maybe you might have heard-
Copy !req
1122. seen something that was
a little out of the ordinary...
Copy !req
1123. the other night on that, uh, Monday-
Monday night.
Copy !req
1124. Oh, no, not Monday night,
because I'm down at the rink.
Copy !req
1125. I'm down at the ice rink
Monday nights with the Little Mites.
Copy !req
1126. Oh, do you coach-
You coach the hockey Mites-
Copy !req
1127. No, no, I'm not the coach.
Copy !req
1128. I'm just the coach's
helper monkey, you know.
Copy !req
1129. On Monday nights I come
and I pick up the sticks...
Copy !req
1130. and I- and I bring the little ones water,
you know, during the drills and all that.
Copy !req
1131. Then on Monday nights
we go out for poutine.
Copy !req
1132. Have you ever been to Pouteenie Weenie?
Copy !req
1133. P- Poutine, um...
Copy !req
1134. really does not agree with me.
Copy !req
1135. Oh. I'm sorry.
Copy !req
1136. My innards, it creates such a-
Copy !req
1137. Poutine gives me the-
just the worst shits.
Copy !req
1138. I'm sorry to be so crass about it.
Copy !req
1139. By the way, you know,
I didn't even get your name.
Copy !req
1140. Bartholomew Mosier.
Copy !req
1141. You sure you don't have time
to come in and kill a spider?
Copy !req
1142. I would-I-I swear to you
that I would help in any way that I could.
Copy !req
1143. Yeah.
Copy !req
1144. I would help, but I'm really
just a lowly homicide detective...
Copy !req
1145. and I'm really not paid enough to, uh-to,
uh, deal with the savage animals, you know.
Copy !req
1146. You know what I think, Mr. Lapointe?
Copy !req
1147. I think that the real savage animals...
Copy !req
1148. are the human beings.
Copy !req
1149. Oh. Thank you-
Copy !req
1150. Oh, and thank you so much.
Copy !req
1151. - Thank you.
- Thank you, sir.
Copy !req
1152. - Thank you.
- Have a wonderful day, sir.
Copy !req
1153. Thank you very much.
Copy !req
1154. In, uh, all of the "Cananada"...
Copy !req
1155. there is no record...
Copy !req
1156. of a man named...
Copy !req
1157. Bartholomew Mosier.
Copy !req
1158. There is no local rink.
Copy !req
1159. There is no hockey Mites.
Copy !req
1160. And I would also assume that
there is no Pouteenie Weenie.
Copy !req
1161. But ever since that day...
Copy !req
1162. I stopped, uh,
making the assumptions, you know.
Copy !req
1163. The hockey player, Gregory Gumtree...
Copy !req
1164. he was probably in that house, you know.
Copy !req
1165. And I was standing on the porch...
Copy !req
1166. assuming that I was talking
to some harmless simpleton...
Copy !req
1167. who spoke funny.
Copy !req
1168. But, um, um...
Copy !req
1169. one month later we find
what is left of, uh...
Copy !req
1170. the hockey player, Gregory Gumtree.
Copy !req
1171. His torso was blocking up a sewer pipe
outside of Gatineau.
Copy !req
1172. So...
Copy !req
1173. the, uh, man-child...
Copy !req
1174. Bartholomew Mosier...
Copy !req
1175. or Howard Howe...
Copy !req
1176. went, uh, poof.
Copy !req
1177. Poof. Disappeared.
Copy !req
1178. He disappeared.
Copy !req
1179. Do you want to know what my theory is?
Copy !req
1180. The theory that got me excused
from the Sûreté Du Québec?
Copy !req
1181. - Well?
- Please.
Copy !req
1182. All of the victims...
Copy !req
1183. have holes in the mouth.
Copy !req
1184. He cuts off the legs.
Copy !req
1185. He sews the arms.
Copy !req
1186. But he puts something in their mouth
that we don't get to see.
Copy !req
1187. Some of the cops were saying...
Copy !req
1188. that the holes were from
the meat hooks, you know, with-
Copy !req
1189. To hang up the body while
you strip it of the flesh and all that.
Copy !req
1190. You know what I mean?
Copy !req
1191. I- I-I-I beg to differ.
Copy !req
1192. Well, what do you say?
Copy !req
1193. Uh, well, the hockey player,
Gregory Gumtree...
Copy !req
1194. Th-Th-the boy that I failed to save...
Copy !req
1195. just like all the rest,
he had missing legs...
Copy !req
1196. missing tongue, missing teeth,
a hole in the roof of the mouth.
Copy !req
1197. But the medical examiner,
he found something...
Copy !req
1198. inside the hole of his mouth.
Copy !req
1199. It was a tiny piece of the victim's own
tibia bone, no bigger than this.
Copy !req
1200. So why would a piece
of his leg bone be in his mouth?
Copy !req
1201. Well, I don't know.
Copy !req
1202. So I-I go to see this mama of
the hockey player, Gregory Gumtree...
Copy !req
1203. and I say to her...
Copy !req
1204. "You are the mama,
and you know the things about the child.
Copy !req
1205. You feel things that no police,
or nobody, can feel.
Copy !req
1206. So how do you think your boy was killed?"
Copy !req
1207. And the mama, she-she's crying, you know.
Copy !req
1208. And now it is as if
she's like my own mama, you know.
Copy !req
1209. And then the mama, she say to me-
Copy !req
1210. she say to me...
Copy !req
1211. "This man is making a monster.
Copy !req
1212. This man is making a monster."
Copy !req
1213. Mr. Tusk...
Copy !req
1214. why do you blubber so?
Copy !req
1215. Are you really mourning
your loss of humanity?
Copy !req
1216. I don't understand.
Copy !req
1217. Who in the hell would want to be human?
Copy !req
1218. God Almighty.
Copy !req
1219. In all of my travels...
Copy !req
1220. I've only ever known a human...
Copy !req
1221. to be an ocean of shit.
Copy !req
1222. And my vessel lists...
Copy !req
1223. and is leaking.
Copy !req
1224. I'm so very tired, Mr. Tusk.
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1225. Battered by a life...
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1226. of cruel fate...
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1227. and poor decisions...
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1228. and the terrible consequences...
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1229. of both.
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1230. The water's wide
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1231. And I dare not
Copy !req
1232. Cross over
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1233. Nor have I wings
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1234. Wings to fly
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1235. Build me
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1236. A boat
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1237. That can carry two
Copy !req
1238. And both
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1239. Shall row
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1240. My love and I
Copy !req
1241. Oh.
Copy !req
1242. You must be terribly hungry by now.
Copy !req
1243. That is a mackerel.
Copy !req
1244. Bon appétit, Monsieur Tusk.
Copy !req
1245. Yes.
Copy !req
1246. Now...
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1247. go to the fish, Mr. Tusk.
Copy !req
1248. Take the mackerel.
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1249. Feed.
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1250. So, this is nice,
and very roomy for an economy.
Copy !req
1251. I should have rented this model.
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1252. Did you prepay for the gasoline?
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1253. Yeah.
Copy !req
1254. So, where do we go first?
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1255. Now? Where- "Where" is for the wolf.
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1256. We look for the witch.
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1257. As in, which one of you
knows this missing podcaster the best?
Copy !req
1258. I- I do.
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1259. - You do.
- Yeah.
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1260. On the phone message it said that he was
driving for two hours or something.
Copy !req
1261. So you know him best. You know
what he likes to do when he drives.
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1262. Because nobody does nothing in a car.
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1263. Does he smoke the cigarettes?
Does he chew the tobaccos or toothpicks?
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1264. Does he drink the coffees?
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1265. Does he have some other thing?
I don't know.
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1266. Me, for example, all I do-
I cannot start the car...
Copy !req
1267. without having the-
the double-double with eight sugars...
Copy !req
1268. and a dash of cream.
Copy !req
1269. So wh-what we really need to do
is discern this podcaster's ritual...
Copy !req
1270. while he is driving.
Copy !req
1271. He likes, um, big, goofy
convenience store drinks.
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1272. Oh, my God!
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1273. It's Mr. Mustache!
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1274. Colleen!
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1275. - Hurry up.
- I'm coming.
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1276. Oh, my God. What?
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1277. No way. It's Mr. Mustache.
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1278. Mr. Mustache?
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1279. No, it's not the room I'm interested in
as much as you, Mr. Howe.
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1280. Y- Tonight would be-
That'd be amazing, sir. Yes. Thank you.
Copy !req
1281. All right, where am I going?
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1282. Bifrost. Sounds erotic.
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1283. Okay, let me just
ask somebody how far I am. Excuse me.
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1284. Hey, uh-
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1285. How's everything over at Degrassi, huh?
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1286. You kids still gettin'
knocked up and shot at?
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1287. - What?
- Degrassi.
Copy !req
1288. Never mind. How far is Bifrost from here?
Copy !req
1289. - Bifrost? Shit, that's far.
- Yeah, it's "aboot" two hours from here.
Copy !req
1290. God bless you, generous angels.
Copy !req
1291. The kids here at the convenience store
are telling me it's "aboot" two hours away.
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1292. I hate American guys.
Copy !req
1293. You sure that's not
gonna be too late for you?
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1294. Okay, awesome! Yeah.
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1295. Uh, what's your address?
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1296. Hang on one second, sir. Hang on.
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1297. Hey, hey, hey. Can you get
off those for one second, give me a pen?
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1298. Sorry, sir.
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1299. Thank you. God bless you.
Copy !req
1300. You guys have pads here in Canada
to write on? You just write in the air?
Copy !req
1301. Hey. Just gonna go ahead and write on you.
Copy !req
1302. Okay, shoot, Mr. Howe.
Copy !req
1303. Yeah. Great. Got it.
Copy !req
1304. I'm gonna leave right now,
so I'll see you in about two hours.
Copy !req
1305. Good. Okay. Bye now.
Copy !req
1306. How much do I owe you?
Copy !req
1307. That's me? That's my mustache?
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1308. Uh, yep! I'm American!
How are things over at Degrassi High?
Copy !req
1309. Do you ladies know where Bifrost is?
Uh, duh!
Copy !req
1310. You guys suck.
Copy !req
1311. So, this pad of paper that he borrowed
to write down the address...
Copy !req
1312. I would like for you
to give it to me, please, if you would.
Copy !req
1313. - Give him the pad.
- You give him the pad.
Copy !req
1314. Give him the pad!
Copy !req
1315. One of you must give me the pad now.
Copy !req
1316. I thank you very much.
Copy !req
1317. Do you have a pencil?
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1318. Thank you very much.
Copy !req
1319. You see that?
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1320. Wow.
Copy !req
1321. It's amazing.
Copy !req
1322. They did it in The Big Lebowski.
Copy !req
1323. You know, that's exactly
where I learned it from. Isn't that weird?
Copy !req
1324. Okay.
Copy !req
1325. Now...
Copy !req
1326. isn't this soothing to the soul?
Copy !req
1327. I know!
Copy !req
1328. If I close my eyes, I can almost imagine
being back on Ponder Rock...
Copy !req
1329. where I knew peace
in this twisted, hateful world.
Copy !req
1330. I miss our little paradise, Mr. Tusk.
Copy !req
1331. This is just a poor facsimile
of that magical enclave...
Copy !req
1332. where we first became good friends.
Copy !req
1333. Remember?
Copy !req
1334. Until that...
Copy !req
1335. terrible day.
Copy !req
1336. Man feeds on the meat and sinew
of the helpless...
Copy !req
1337. until we are all...
Copy !req
1338. alone.
Copy !req
1339. We survive at all costs...
Copy !req
1340. only to butcher again...
Copy !req
1341. and again...
Copy !req
1342. until we ourselves are, at last...
Copy !req
1343. butchered in turn.
Copy !req
1344. You were not prepared for me
last time, Mr. Tusk.
Copy !req
1345. You were not ready for the fight.
Copy !req
1346. This time it will be different...
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1347. because I have hardened you...
Copy !req
1348. just to show you...
Copy !req
1349. how cruel man can be.
Copy !req
1350. And if I've truly brought out
the walrus in you...
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1351. this time...
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1352. you just might prevail.
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1353. Less than a kilometer...
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1354. from mile marker nine.
Copy !req
1355. Yeah. The plates match.
Copy !req
1356. - I'm going.
- No, no. He's not there.
Copy !req
1357. I promise you he's not there.
But he is close.
Copy !req
1358. So, we are about to find your friend...
Copy !req
1359. and the dangerous man who took him.
Copy !req
1360. These are guns.
Copy !req
1361. I- I don't want one.
Copy !req
1362. You don't want a gun?
Copy !req
1363. Y- You take 'em.
Copy !req
1364. Wh-What kind of American are you?
Copy !req
1365. - The kind that's never used a gun before.
- Take the fucking gun!
Copy !req
1366. Yes, take the fucking gun, please.
Copy !req
1367. I'll-I'll-I'll take the big one.
Copy !req
1368. Yes.
Copy !req
1369. Some years back...
Copy !req
1370. I was rescued from
the island of Ponder Rock...
Copy !req
1371. a mere hour after I'd butchered
my sweet savior walrus...
Copy !req
1372. in order to live.
Copy !req
1373. I've marked this occasion
for 15 years now...
Copy !req
1374. by allowing my flippered friend...
Copy !req
1375. the fighting chance he never had.
Copy !req
1376. So, you will fight me, Mr. Walrus...
Copy !req
1377. or you will die!
Copy !req
1378. Wallace? Wallace!
Copy !req
1379. - Wallace!
- Wallace! Up there! Wallace!
Copy !req
1380. So, just as I had to kill you
on Ponder Rock...
Copy !req
1381. you have a terrible choice to make here.
Copy !req
1382. You have to kill me...
Copy !req
1383. if you want to live.
Copy !req
1384. And if you live...
Copy !req
1385. it will be as a walrus...
Copy !req
1386. which you almost are.
Copy !req
1387. So, either you go full walrus-
Copy !req
1388. or this!
Copy !req
1389. What the fuck?
Copy !req
1390. - Wallace! Wallace!
- Wallace! Wallace!
Copy !req
1391. - Wallace?
- Wallace! Wallace?
Copy !req
1392. You've lasted longer than the rest.
Copy !req
1393. You would kill me if you could.
Copy !req
1394. You want to.
Copy !req
1395. The survival instincts...
Copy !req
1396. have kicked in.
Copy !req
1397. But... so have mine!
Copy !req
1398. Where is it coming from?
Copy !req
1399. - Behind the wall.
- Wallace!
Copy !req
1400. - He's behind the wall!
- Wallace!
Copy !req
1401. - Hey, this gives!
- Stand back!
Copy !req
1402. It is accomplished.
Copy !req
1403. You are my...
Copy !req
1404. Mr. Tusk.
Copy !req
1405. Wallace.
Copy !req
1406. No!
Copy !req
1407. Wallace!
Copy !req
1408. No! No!
Copy !req
1409. No! No!
Copy !req
1410. Wallace?
Copy !req
1411. We're here.
Copy !req
1412. It's Ally.
Copy !req
1413. And Teddy.
Copy !req
1414. The treat.
Copy !req
1415. You don't have to hide from us, Wallace.
Copy !req
1416. Wallace!
Copy !req
1417. I can't even remember the last time you
cried while watching Winnie the Pooh.
Copy !req
1418. So I don't cry. Big deal.
Copy !req
1419. I'm also a lot older, remember.
Copy !req
1420. Crying's kinda for babies.
Copy !req
1421. I remember when my grandma died...
Copy !req
1422. and... my grandpa was destroyed.
Copy !req
1423. He had tears streaming down his face.
Copy !req
1424. He was holding her picture,
and I was so worried.
Copy !req
1425. I used to say-
Copy !req
1426. What's that?
Copy !req
1427. "Don't cry, abuelo."
Copy !req
1428. And he would say-
Copy !req
1429. "It's good to cry."
Copy !req
1430. It separates us from the animals.
Copy !req
1431. It shows you have a soul.
Copy !req
1432. I love you, Wallace.
Copy !req
1433. Don't ever forget that.
Copy !req
1434. - Welcome to SModcast. I'm Kevin Smith.
- I'm Scott Mosier.
Copy !req
1435. Oh, shit.
All right, so here's the third act.
Copy !req
1436. He then goes and puts on his suit
made of human skins.
Copy !req
1437. And so you realize he's done this before.
Copy !req
1438. Like, I'm not the first lodger
and shit like that.
Copy !req
1439. Gotcha.
Copy !req
1440. So he's in it, you're in yours, and you
have to have one of them walrus fights.
Copy !req
1441. Like on the beach!
Copy !req
1442. Where you slam each other-
Copy !req
1443. And we start saying,
"Is man indeed a walrus at heart?"
Copy !req
1444. You ultimately get him and-
Copy !req
1445. But then what has to happen
at the end is...
Copy !req
1446. once he makes that switch,
he can't go back.
Copy !req
1447. Like the clinic for the criminally insane
or something like that?
Copy !req
1448. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Copy !req
1449. And you see, like, his buddy-
Copy !req
1450. He's got something wrapped in
a newspaper, and then he opens it-
Copy !req
1451. It's a fish.
Copy !req
1452. Oh, this is awesome.
Copy !req
1453. And it is-Like, it's, like,
another walrus enclave.
Copy !req
1454. A better version of where he was.
Copy !req
1455. He realizes they can't reverse the process.
Copy !req
1456. No, they can't.
Copy !req
1457. He's fu-Even in his head,
he's gone full walrus.
Copy !req
1458. Yeah!
Copy !req
1459. And he throws him the fish,
and then fuckin'-
Copy !req
1460. The walrus man...
Copy !req
1461. scurries over to it, all gross and shit...
Copy !req
1462. and starts biting at it at the ground.
Copy !req
1463. They play, like, some sad piano music.
Copy !req
1464. Roll credits as we pull back
on this overhead...
Copy !req
1465. watching him fuckin' eating this fish
off the ground.
Copy !req
1466. And there's a song that's just like-
Copy !req
1467. Being tender in your heart
Copy !req
1468. - Is that a real song?
- No!
Copy !req
1469. We need a hashtag for this.
The conversation needs to grow.
Copy !req
1470. Two hashtags-
Copy !req
1471. Oh, for people who
don't want it to happen?
Copy !req
1472. Your vote is crucial.
Copy !req
1473. You just had to have the second slider.
Copy !req
1474. You just had to have...
Copy !req
1475. the second slider.
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