1. Alpa Chino!Copy !req
2. We're loadedCopy !req
3. I love the pussy, hell, yeahCopy !req
4. I love the pussy, hell, yeahCopy !req
5. I love that pussy
dripping down to the floor, oh, noCopy !req
6. The wettest pussy, hell, yeah
I love the pussy, hell, yeahCopy !req
7. I'm drinking up
your Booty Sweat and busting a nutCopy !req
8. Alpa Chino got that pussy controlCopy !req
9. Alpa Chino's Booty Sweat.Copy !req
10. Pop an ass open!Copy !req
11. Booty Sweat and Bust-A-Nut bars
available at concessions now.Copy !req
12. In 2013, when the Earth's rotation
came to a halt...Copy !req
13. The President has declared
all of North America a disaster area.Copy !req
14. I call on my fellow Americans
to come together...Copy !req
15. the world called on the one man
who could make a difference.Copy !req
16. When it happened again,
the world called on him once more.Copy !req
17. And no one saw it coming
three more times!Copy !req
18. Now,Copy !req
19. the one man who made a difference
five times before,Copy !req
20. is about to make a difference again.Copy !req
21. Only this time, it's different.Copy !req
22. Who left the fridge open?Copy !req
23. Tugg Speedman.Copy !req
24. Global Meltdown.Copy !req
25. Here we go again.Copy !req
26. Again.Copy !req
27. Will there be anything else?Copy !req
28. Yes, my dear man. More beans.Copy !req
29. Granny!Copy !req
30. Please!Copy !req
31. This summer,
America's favorite obese family is back.Copy !req
32. Gross!Copy !req
33. - You're just mad 'cause I'm skinny.
- Am not!Copy !req
34. Jeff Portnoy.Copy !req
35. Jeff Portnoy.Copy !req
36. Jeff Portnoy.Copy !req
37. And Jeff Portnoy are
The Fatties: Fart Two.Copy !req
38. In some countries,Copy !req
39. it's considered a compliment.Copy !req
40. Letting loose this summer.Copy !req
41. In a time where to be different
was to be condemned,Copy !req
42. and to be condemned was to die,Copy !req
43. one man chose to question his God.Copy !req
44. From Fox Searchlight,Copy !req
45. five-time Academy Award winner
Kirk LazarusCopy !req
46. and MTV Movie Award
Best Kiss winner Tobey Maguire.Copy !req
47. Winner of the Beijing Film Festival's
coveted Crying Monkey Award,Copy !req
48. Satan's Alley.Copy !req
49. I've been a bad, bad boy, Father.Copy !req
50. In the winter of 1969,Copy !req
51. an elite force of the U.S. ArmyCopy !req
52. was sent on a top-secret assignment
in southeast Vietnam.Copy !req
53. The objective,
rescue Sergeant Four Leaf TaybackCopy !req
54. from a heavily guarded
NVA Prison Camp.Copy !req
55. The mission was considered
to be near suicide.Copy !req
56. Of the 10 men sent, four returned.Copy !req
57. Of those four, three wrote books
about what happened.Copy !req
58. Of those three, two were published.Copy !req
59. Of those two, just one got a movie deal.Copy !req
60. This is the story of the men
who attempted to make that movie.Copy !req
61. Whiskey Fire Old Snake
requests an LZ prepCopy !req
62. at Alpha-Delta-two-four-eight-niner,
over.Copy !req
63. Floyd, this is lead. Right echelon
approach from RP to LZ, acknowledge.Copy !req
64. Floyd, Wall-Eye airborne.
Welcome aboard.Copy !req
65. All right, lead's going in.
Give her some cover.Copy !req
66. Delivery on five.
I repeat, delivery on five.Copy !req
67. This is Zero-Three.
I'm on your six, don't worry.Copy !req
68. Chalk-Three's taking fire.
Guns right, guns right.Copy !req
69. Lay that shit down!Copy !req
70. Come on!Copy !req
71. Come on, you damn dirty heathens!Copy !req
72. Wall-Eye, Wall-Eye,
this is Boomer One-Seven in the Zee!Copy !req
73. I need fast movers
on my Yankee Smoke, copy?Copy !req
74. Boomer, this is Wall-Eye.
I got two-Alpha-fourCopy !req
75. - snake and nape on the ready!
- Oh, Jesus! Holy shit!Copy !req
76. Holy shit!Copy !req
77. Get on that horn
and get some firepower, boy!Copy !req
78. Jesus Christ!Copy !req
79. Listen, you cherry fuck,Copy !req
80. you call in that snake and nape
and get us some boom-boom now!Copy !req
81. I'd do it myself
but I'm kind of goddamn busy!Copy !req
82. I need an answer, Boomer!Copy !req
83. Wall-Eye, Wall-Eye!Copy !req
84. I copy!Copy !req
85. What the fuck?Copy !req
86. That's for Brooklyn, motherfucker!Copy !req
87. I think I can put it back in!Copy !req
88. This is the last Christmas
I spend with Victor Charlie up my ass!Copy !req
89. Want some? Get some!Copy !req
90. Hey, yo, Fats! I ain't seen Four Leaf!Copy !req
91. Don't count him out! That bastard's
got luck tattooed to his ass!Copy !req
92. Motown, get your Detroit jukebox
Jheri curl assCopy !req
93. in this chickenshit chop-chop! ASAFP!Copy !req
94. Four Leaf is still
outside the perimeter, Sarge!Copy !req
95. Miss me with that cracker chump jive!
We di di mau! We di di mau!Copy !req
96. Come on, get down, get down!Copy !req
97. What am I looking at? What is this?Copy !req
98. Come on, let's get, let's go!
Come on, elevator up, up!Copy !req
99. Sarge. It's Four Leaf.Copy !req
100. No!Copy !req
101. Survive!Copy !req
102. Cover me, you limp dick fuck ups!Copy !req
103. Peek-a-boo! I see you!Copy !req
104. Hold on, Four Leaf!Copy !req
105. Oh, shit!Copy !req
106. Watch my right!Copy !req
107. Come on, Leaf, let's boogie!Copy !req
108. No!Copy !req
109. No!Copy !req
110. - Fats!
- Holy fuck!Copy !req
111. Take us over to those men! Shit!Copy !req
112. Look at you, man.
Playing with grenades.Copy !req
113. I'm cold, Linc.Copy !req
114. I can't feel my legs.Copy !req
115. Ain't nothing but a thang.Copy !req
116. Hold my hands,Copy !req
117. 'cause I got something to...Copy !req
118. I got something to say.Copy !req
119. Oh, boy.Copy !req
120. When we get back to the world,Copy !req
121. I'm gonna finally teach you
how to juggle.Copy !req
122. I ain't never been worth a nothing
in this life,Copy !req
123. but I want you to know something.Copy !req
124. What, man?Copy !req
125. You are my...Copy !req
126. You are my brother.Copy !req
127. You are my brother.
You are my... You are my...Copy !req
128. I am your brother.Copy !req
129. I'm sorry. Could we cut?Copy !req
130. - What's he saying?
- Damien, can we cut?Copy !req
131. - No. No, no, no, no, no...
- All right, you know what?Copy !req
132. We got the jets coming in,
big explosion, two minutes.Copy !req
133. Still rolling.Copy !req
134. You know what? No, not still rolling.
Can we cut?Copy !req
135. - We're cutting.
- No, we're not. Get out!Copy !req
136. Hey, what's going on?
For real, my butt is hurting!Copy !req
137. This harness is riding up my crack!Copy !req
138. - Damien, are we cutting?
- No! No! Still rolling!Copy !req
139. Mr. Cockburn! Are we cutting, sir?Copy !req
140. No! No. I'm not cutting!
We're still rolling!Copy !req
141. Damien, what's the dealy, dude?Copy !req
142. Are we gonna blow
this tree line or what?Copy !req
143. Tuk Tuk and Kim
got the blue balls here.Copy !req
144. I'm gonna let them squirt if we're a go!Copy !req
145. - Play it through. Still rolling!
- Dieter, can he hear me?Copy !req
146. That's C-4, dipshit. Put that back.
I said a detonator.Copy !req
147. I need some dudes up here
who speak American, God damn it!Copy !req
148. He's making
a fucking sweater back here.Copy !req
149. I'm trying to put Tiger Balm
on this jungle's nuts.Copy !req
150. Oh, shit!Copy !req
151. Alpa Chino hotline. What's up?
What's up, baby?Copy !req
152. What the fuck is going on here?Copy !req
153. Everyone, please shut up.Copy !req
154. The jets are coming in.
We only have one chance at this!Copy !req
155. On three, baby. One, two, breathe.Copy !req
156. Look, do me a favor. I don't want to do
a countdown before I do the scene.Copy !req
157. - No countdown?
- No countdown.Copy !req
158. - Okay.
- Can we just do it off of "Action"?Copy !req
159. Just... In your own time.Copy !req
160. - Good...
- I'm not a rocket ship, okay?Copy !req
161. - All right, dude.
- And action!Copy !req
162. Whatever floats your boat, baby.
Fuck! Don't die!Copy !req
163. Erika, get me a Vitamin Water!Copy !req
164. You know what it is, Damien? I'm sorry.Copy !req
165. Not to get into his thing, but if
I'm crying, should Osiris be crying, too?Copy !req
166. - No, it's everyone cry...
- We cutting or we crying?Copy !req
167. - No, no, no, we're crying!
- Just call it, man!Copy !req
168. - Kirk, you can cry. Tugg, you can cry.
- Thanks!Copy !req
169. - Everybody cry...
- You know what?Copy !req
170. - You see how agitated he is now?
- I know.Copy !req
171. - Let's make lemonade. Let's go to work.
- Okay. Still rolling!Copy !req
172. This is Falcon One. We have the ridge
in sight, approximately two miles out.Copy !req
173. Dieter, these jets
are about to crest this ridge line.Copy !req
174. They got about 200 pounds
of shit your pants.Copy !req
175. I need to know if we're ready to go.Copy !req
176. - You're my... You're my...
- I am your...Copy !req
177. See, that's what I think it is, Damien.
I think it's the line.Copy !req
178. Yeah?Copy !req
179. I don't know if Four Leaf
would say that... Four Leaf?Copy !req
180. Were you crying
when your hands blew up?Copy !req
181. No. See, he didn't.
Yeah, I mean, just that's what...Copy !req
182. So now we in re-writes, right?Copy !req
183. - Where you going?
- Let's re-write it!Copy !req
184. Action Jackson can't cry.
That's what's going down.Copy !req
185. You know what, Kirk?
I'm ready to do the scene!Copy !req
186. What scene? The scene is
about emotionality. Where is it?Copy !req
187. - Now it's time to flip the script!
- Kirk...Copy !req
188. Be here till Chinese New Year
waiting for my man to cry.Copy !req
189. Here they come!Copy !req
190. - Kirk, no!
- Stop tailgating me, you pasty teabag!Copy !req
191. Can I make pee-pee?Copy !req
192. - The planes are inbound!
- I know! Oh, shit!Copy !req
193. Get the fruit... Jesus! Fuck!
Shit! Cocksucking!Copy !req
194. - That's the signal! Go, go, go, go, go!
- Tropic tits!Copy !req
195. Goddamn shit-picking cock!Copy !req
196. It's beautiful!Copy !req
197. Mother Nature just pissed her pantsuit!Copy !req
198. Hot! Hot, hot, hot, hot! Fuck!Copy !req
199. - Sweet.
- Oh, mama!Copy !req
200. Let me down!Copy !req
201. Bungle in the jungle.Copy !req
202. More bad news from the Vietnamese set
of Tropic Thunder,Copy !req
203. where a $4 million explosion
charred the Asian locationCopy !req
204. and the camera wasn't even rolling.Copy !req
205. Financed by hotheaded mega-mogul
Les Grossman,Copy !req
206. the film is already rumored to be
one month behind scheduleCopy !req
207. just five days into shooting.
The reason?Copy !req
208. Fingers are pointed at rookie director
Damien Cockburn,Copy !req
209. who, insiders say,
can't control a star-studded cast,Copy !req
210. including flatulent star of the popular
Fatties franchise, Jeff Portnoy.Copy !req
211. Let me tell you something.
A lot of people are disrespecting me.Copy !req
212. They say that the movie's
just about farts. It's about family,Copy !req
213. and... you! You can't do what I do.Copy !req
214. Fresh from his most recent arrest
for heroin, glue and crack possession,Copy !req
215. Portnoy was almost uninsurable.Copy !req
216. Also in the mix is Booty Sweat-hocking
hip-hop hyphenate Alpa Chino.Copy !req
217. I'm so excited, you know what I'm
saying, about doing Tropic Thunder.Copy !req
218. Hey, drink Booty Sweat, baby.
Drink Booty Sweat.Copy !req
219. But the real heavyweight on the setCopy !req
220. is five-time Academy Award winner
Kirk Lazarus.Copy !req
221. The brilliant Australian
known for his bad boy antics off-screenCopy !req
222. is famous for his total immersion
into any role he portrays.Copy !req
223. Well, being an actor is no differentCopy !req
224. Well, being an actor is no differentCopy !req
225. than being a rugby player
or a construction worker,Copy !req
226. save for the fact that my toolsCopy !req
227. are the mechanisms
that trigger human emotion.Copy !req
228. Lazarus underwent a controversialCopy !req
229. pigmentation alteration procedure
in order to playCopy !req
230. the platoon's African-American
sergeant, Lincoln Osiris.Copy !req
231. Yeah!Copy !req
232. Trying to hold his own onscreen
with KirkCopy !req
233. is action juggernaut Tugg Speedman.Copy !req
234. Once the highest grossing star
in the world,Copy !req
235. lately his Scorcher films
have lost their heat.Copy !req
236. Recently, Speedman opened up to Tyra.Copy !req
237. You have no real family.Copy !req
238. You're on the wrong side of 40.
You're childless and alone.Copy !req
239. Somebody close to you said,Copy !req
240. "One more flop and it's over."Copy !req
241. Somebody said they were close to me?Copy !req
242. It's been a tough year for Tugg.Copy !req
243. The disappointing buddy comedy
Chitlin' & the DudeCopy !req
244. was followed by an ill-advised venture
into serious dramatic territory.Copy !req
245. Simple Jack,Copy !req
246. the story of a mentally impaired
farmhand who can talk to animals,Copy !req
247. was a box office disasterCopy !req
248. that many critics called,
"One of the worst movies of all time."Copy !req
249. I ain't got a good brain.Copy !req
250. I think you've got a fine brain, Jack.Copy !req
251. You make me happy.Copy !req
252. But now the question is,
can Speedman make audiences happyCopy !req
253. in what's being called
the most expensiveCopy !req
254. - war movie never made?
- Rick Peck.Copy !req
255. Wishing Tugg all the best on that one.Copy !req
256. Rum-Tum-Tuggernauts, it's the Pecker.
You got time for your agent?Copy !req
257. - Rick?
- Hey, buddy,Copy !req
258. guess who I'm staring at right now.Copy !req
259. - What?
- I'm looking at your ugly mugCopy !req
260. on the back cover
of Vanity Fair magazine,Copy !req
261. holding a cute, cuddly panda
from Cutesville.Copy !req
262. It is insane, bro. You are a rock star.Copy !req
263. Hey, did you get the gift basket I sent?Copy !req
264. From Rick.Copy !req
265. Yeah. Yeah. It's cool, man. Thanks.Copy !req
266. All right,
that is a real satellite phone, bro.Copy !req
267. Do not re-gift.Copy !req
268. Hey. You see
that Access Hollywood piece?Copy !req
269. Yeah, I did.
It was like pistol-whipping a blind kid.Copy !req
270. I mean, I'm not gonna sugarcoat it,
Tugg. You are a huge star, all right?Copy !req
271. But right now,Copy !req
272. you're like that kid on the playground,
you know,Copy !req
273. the one who has lice that none
of the other kids want to play with?Copy !req
274. - What do you mean?
- I mean we gotta shave your headCopy !req
275. and get you back
on the monkey bars, right?Copy !req
276. What?Copy !req
277. How did the crying scene go?Copy !req
278. Horrible. Lazarus started crying.Copy !req
279. Then he starts drooling and dribbling,
and it wasn't even in the script...Copy !req
280. Stop right there!Copy !req
281. You gotta buck up here, Tuggboat.Copy !req
282. Who cares how much more talented
he may be than you?Copy !req
283. If he cries, you cry harder, man.Copy !req
284. Didn't your dog have, like, leukemia
or somethingCopy !req
285. when you were a kid?
I mean, think of that.Copy !req
286. Boom! End of story.
They hook up the TiVo yet?Copy !req
287. - No.
- What?Copy !req
288. They have digital cable, but,
I mean, it's okay.Copy !req
289. No, no, no. Come on, man. It's not okay.Copy !req
290. It is not okay, Tugg!Copy !req
291. And you don't need to explain to me
why you need TiVoCopy !req
292. or clean water, clean sheets,
food, shelter.Copy !req
293. I mean, I fought for that in your contract.Copy !req
294. How's the adoption thing coming,
buddy?Copy !req
295. Not too great.Copy !req
296. Well, at least you get to choose yours.Copy !req
297. I'm stuck with mine.Copy !req
298. Tell you what, get back to work,
genius soldier.Copy !req
299. The Pecker's on a TiVo mission
for the Y-O-U.Copy !req
300. Work on those tears, my man.Copy !req
301. All right. Yeah.Copy !req
302. Say it for me one time.Copy !req
303. - You make me happy.
- Make me happy.Copy !req
304. - I love you, buddy.
- All right, bye.Copy !req
305. Crisis meeting?
What does that mean, exactly?Copy !req
306. I mean, are we in a crisis?Copy !req
307. He's the head of the studio.Copy !req
308. He's reaching out.
We're 10,000 miles away.Copy !req
309. He just wants a little face-time.Copy !req
310. I know, it's just you said
that he called it a crisis meeting. So...Copy !req
311. It's Les Grossman.
He throws these words around.Copy !req
312. "Crisis,"explosion,"
"not rolling,"fired."Copy !req
313. These are just words.Copy !req
314. Yeah! Yeah!Copy !req
315. Keep a secret? A camera truck
in London just plowed into Judi Dench.Copy !req
316. Trust me, he's got bigger problems.Copy !req
317. Look, he may be able to see me,
but I can't see him.Copy !req
318. - Move! Move! Hello, Les! Hello!
- Get your ass out of my...Copy !req
319. - Your feet were on my desk.
- Can he see us?Copy !req
320. I don't know why we don't have...Copy !req
321. Get him a Diet Coke. Les! It's working!Copy !req
322. Yeah, whatever you're doing right there.
Hello, Les!Copy !req
323. - Hello, Les!
- Okay.Copy !req
324. We got you loud and clear here, Les.Copy !req
325. I see you. I see you. I see you.Copy !req
326. Which one of you fuckfaces
is Damien Cockburn?Copy !req
327. That's me, sir.Copy !req
328. It's good to finally meet you at last,
get some face-time.Copy !req
329. And who here is the key grip?
You? You.Copy !req
330. Hit that director in the face,
really fucking hard.Copy !req
331. Sorry, man.Copy !req
332. This is your fault, you limey fuck!Copy !req
333. You shit the money-bed, my friend.Copy !req
334. Hey, Les, I understand if you're angry,Copy !req
335. but I am dealing
with a bunch of prima donnas!Copy !req
336. Clowns! Tugg Speedman, he can't cry!
He can't cry!Copy !req
337. You know how you handle an actor?
They whine about anything,Copy !req
338. you pull down their pants
and you spank their ass.Copy !req
339. - You spank that ass, Les.
- What?Copy !req
340. Spanking a child
turns him into a little snot.Copy !req
341. Fear makes him a man.Copy !req
342. I know a place
where a man's worth is measuredCopy !req
343. in the ears hanging from his dog tags.Copy !req
344. The real deep shit.Copy !req
345. You wanna make this movie right?Copy !req
346. That's where you take
your pansy-ass actors.Copy !req
347. Who is this guy?Copy !req
348. Les, that's Four Leaf.Copy !req
349. Sergeant Four Leaf Tayback.
I wrote the book.Copy !req
350. You're a great American.
This nation owes you a huge debt.Copy !req
351. Now shut the fuck up
and let me do my job!Copy !req
352. - Look, Cockburn.
- Yes.Copy !req
353. From now on, my fist
is gonna be so far up your shitholeCopy !req
354. that every time you have a thought,Copy !req
355. it's gonna have to tiptoe
past my wedding ring.Copy !req
356. Take control of your actors,
or I will shut you down.Copy !req
357. Diet Coke!Copy !req
358. When the herd loses its way,Copy !req
359. the shepherd must kill
the bull that leads them astray.Copy !req
360. - Four Leaf?
- Come on over. It's okay.Copy !req
361. - Sit down.
- Yes.Copy !req
362. - So, you don't like the hotel?
- Beds give me nightmares.Copy !req
363. I'm guessing right about now
you couldn't find a Dixie coonskinCopy !req
364. with an Ohio hooker holding your prick
and showing you the way.Copy !req
365. What?Copy !req
366. I put my story in your limp Brit hands,Copy !req
367. and you are not going to fail me.Copy !req
368. You think I was just blowing
my own bagpipe in that meeting?Copy !req
369. You must put those boys in the shit.Copy !req
370. What? I don't understand.Copy !req
371. - You wanna make your movie or not?
- Yes, I do.Copy !req
372. All right, you get
some of those little video type cameras.Copy !req
373. We take them out there, and we put
them in the trees in different angles.Copy !req
374. Then you give me
and that pyromaniac CodyCopy !req
375. all the smoke bombs, charges,
explosives, detonators you got.Copy !req
376. Then we take those boys up there,Copy !req
377. me and Cody,
we could light up that fucking jungle,Copy !req
378. so those lily-dick actors
would be shitting their pantsCopy !req
379. and screaming for their mammies.Copy !req
380. They'd be begging for a body bag
if it means a ride home.Copy !req
381. I could do it.Copy !req
382. I could shoot the whole thing
guerrilla style. Gritty, dirty.Copy !req
383. Get them away from their helpers
and ass-licking assistants.Copy !req
384. Put them in the real shit.Copy !req
385. - Real shit.
- With real fear in their eyes!Copy !req
386. Real fear, real emotion!
Yes, Four Leaf, yes!Copy !req
387. - Yes! Yes!
- Yes! Yes!Copy !req
388. Take them off the fucking grid!Copy !req
389. You are no longer actors in a movie!Copy !req
390. You are five men in a helicopter!Copy !req
391. With three other men!Copy !req
392. How long are we gonna be gone,
anyways?Copy !req
393. 'Cause I left most of my vitamins
back at the hotel.Copy !req
394. - Save your breath, maggots!
- That's right, maggots!Copy !req
395. Go, go, go! Get out of the chopper!Copy !req
396. Move it, maggots, move!
Move, grunts, move your ass!Copy !req
397. Get out, you wriggly worms!Copy !req
398. - It's up too high!
- Move, move, move!Copy !req
399. See you in hell!Copy !req
400. This is bullshit!
I gotta at least call my fucking assistant.Copy !req
401. Fucking! Jesus! Dude!Copy !req
402. You're sitting on a nest
of hostile enemy V.C.Copy !req
403. Congratulations, Fats.
You just got us all killed.Copy !req
404. Anybody else care to give away
our position to Charlie?Copy !req
405. Cell phones!Copy !req
406. What the hell, Damien?Copy !req
407. Weren't no cell phones in '69, man.
I'm head-to-toe legitimate.Copy !req
408. Gentlemen, I've got good news
and bad news.Copy !req
409. The studio wants to shut us down.
That's the bad news.Copy !req
410. And the good news.Copy !req
411. If you wanna save this movie,
you will become a unit.Copy !req
412. Your objective is to head north
to the D'ang Kwook RiverCopy !req
413. and liberate the POW camp,Copy !req
414. at which point Four Leaf
will get himself captured,Copy !req
415. at which point you will rescue him,Copy !req
416. at which point
we will chopper you home!Copy !req
417. Damn.Copy !req
418. Four Leaf,
since you're the staff sergeant,Copy !req
419. there's the map, this is the scene list.Copy !req
420. Think you can handle it?Copy !req
421. We have rigged this entire
valley of death with hidden cameras.Copy !req
422. And I will be shooting as well,
from unseen vantage points,Copy !req
423. so that every glorious moment
is captured on film.Copy !req
424. And believe me, gentlemen,
it will be glorious.Copy !req
425. If it looks real,
chances are it probably is.Copy !req
426. You wanted to be actors.Copy !req
427. You wanted to occupy
the skin of another human being.Copy !req
428. Well, get ready to occupy the skin
of a terrified U.S. Infantry grunt,Copy !req
429. surrounded by death,
crawling up Satan's bottom.Copy !req
430. There'll be ambushes, enemy fire,
your own little personal slice of 'Nam.Copy !req
431. This radio goes to the chopper
and the chopper only.Copy !req
432. The chopper is God,
and I am Jesus Christ, his son.Copy !req
433. You are my chosen disciples.Copy !req
434. And no one gets to go home
till we get the shots.Copy !req
435. Put on your war faces, gentlemen.Copy !req
436. Now, let's go and make
the greatest war movie ever!Copy !req
437. - Yeah!
- All right!Copy !req
438. Yeah!Copy !req
439. Yeah!Copy !req
440. Not bad, Cockburn!Copy !req
441. Not bad.Copy !req
442. Wherever you are!Copy !req
443. Wherever he is?
Looks like he's all over the place.Copy !req
444. Here we go.Copy !req
445. Must be an old French mine.Copy !req
446. It's a remnant from colonial Indo-China.
This jungle must be full of them.Copy !req
447. Don't you get it?
He's messing with our heads.Copy !req
448. That's what all that
playing God stuff was about.Copy !req
449. He's trying to get us to act good,
save the movie.Copy !req
450. He ain't playing God.
He's being judged by him.Copy !req
451. That's our objective.
Complete the mission.Copy !req
452. No offense, Kirk,
I know you're the big fancy actor here,Copy !req
453. but I've done a lot more effects-driven
event films than you. Okay?Copy !req
454. And I think I can spotCopy !req
455. a prop head when I see one.Copy !req
456. Oh, Jesus.Copy !req
457. It's corn syrup, guys.
Corn syrup and latex.Copy !req
458. Warm, blood-flavored corn syrup.Copy !req
459. Oh, God.Copy !req
460. Smoke and mirrors, guys.
Welcome to the movie factory.Copy !req
461. Oldest trick in the book.Copy !req
462. He getting down now.Copy !req
463. Oh, my God!Copy !req
464. Whoa, look at me!Copy !req
465. You're going to get the shots,Copy !req
466. and I'm going to make sure
because I'm the director.Copy !req
467. I'm from London. I direct plays.Copy !req
468. Hey, Damien! We got our war faces on!Copy !req
469. Look, I'm Dave Beckham.Copy !req
470. So, we gotta
light these boys up today, huh?Copy !req
471. Blow some sense into these young men.Copy !req
472. Hey, I don't want to come off
as weird or anything,Copy !req
473. but I might be your biggest fan. Yeah.Copy !req
474. Tropic Thunder.
Kind of like my Catcher in the Rye.Copy !req
475. Yeah, I've never been in the military,
per se,Copy !req
476. but I have lost an appendage
in the line of duty.Copy !req
477. Driving Miss Daisy, first studio gig.Copy !req
478. Yeah.Copy !req
479. It's a pretty cool sidearm you got there.
What is it?Copy !req
480. I don't know what it's called.Copy !req
481. I just know the sound it makes
when it takes a man's life.Copy !req
482. Okay.Copy !req
483. Damien, we're go for explosion.Copy !req
484. Ready to kick the tires
and light the fires on your say-so.Copy !req
485. Damien, we're go for explosion.Copy !req
486. Do you copy?Copy !req
487. I got an itchy trigger finger here,
and I'm ready to blow some shit up.Copy !req
488. All right, you happy now?
Can we do the scene?Copy !req
489. Or do you need a formal invitation?
Come on, let's go!Copy !req
490. Here. Okay.Copy !req
491. "Scene 12, exterior,
jungle clearing, day, ambush.Copy !req
492. "Four Leaf notices
movement in the brush.Copy !req
493. "A dozen guerrilla fighters
can be seen moving in the tree line.Copy !req
494. "Somewhere a mine explodes."
And you.Copy !req
495. "I got a bad feeling on this one."Copy !req
496. - Yeah.
- No, that's your line.Copy !req
497. - I got... Now?
- Yeah, but scared. Like, scared.Copy !req
498. - "I got a bad feeling on this one."
- Dude, wait, like how?Copy !req
499. "I got a bad feeling on this one."Copy !req
500. - Okay.
- Action. Go, come on.Copy !req
501. I got a bad feeling
on this one there, Fats.Copy !req
502. Our asses don't get fragged
in this bullshit valley,Copy !req
503. first thing I'm doing
is paying my 2 bucksCopy !req
504. so I can watch Brooklyn bust his cherryCopy !req
505. on a sweet little mama-san's
dinky dau poontang.Copy !req
506. Shit, Brooklyn be bagged and tagged
before he get any cooch.Copy !req
507. He die, he probably die
a coochless motherfucker.Copy !req
508. Zip it, Motown.Copy !req
509. Man, I'm thirsty.Copy !req
510. Might as well have some of this
Booty Sweat I got back in Danang.Copy !req
511. Yo, asshole! This motherfucker's dead!Copy !req
512. Ain't no Criss Angel Mindfreak,Copy !req
513. David Blaine trapdoor
horseshit jumping off here!Copy !req
514. Hey! You wanna get on the train here,
or do you wanna ruin another take?Copy !req
515. There ain't no goddamn takes,
ain't no goddamn motion picture!Copy !req
516. - You sure?
- Yeah.Copy !req
517. - Yeah?
- For certain, man.Copy !req
518. Then why are you still in character?Copy !req
519. I know, but I don't have to tell you.Copy !req
520. You don't know.Copy !req
521. Man, I don't drop character
till I done a DVD commentary.Copy !req
522. You happy now?
We're out of position for the effects!Copy !req
523. Get down, fool!Copy !req
524. Didn't anyone read the script?
This is the ambush!Copy !req
525. - This feels pretty real!
- Exactly! Let's use it.Copy !req
526. Yeah!Copy !req
527. Yeah!Copy !req
528. Eat lead!Copy !req
529. They're busting caps
like a motherfucker down there.Copy !req
530. This is FUBAR. I say we juice them.Copy !req
531. - What do you think?
- Juice them.Copy !req
532. Fuck you, Charlie!Copy !req
533. Big-ass titties!Copy !req
534. Look at that, huh?Copy !req
535. And cut!Copy !req
536. That's the trailer right there.Copy !req
537. Yeah!Copy !req
538. - What do we do now?
- Yeah.Copy !req
539. North. Man said to head north.Copy !req
540. - Did you see me shooting?
- That's how we do. Good work, baby.Copy !req
541. I believed it.Copy !req
542. D'ang Kwook River.Copy !req
543. I'm betting
he's got more of these battlesCopy !req
544. and Viet Congs
rigged for us along the way.Copy !req
545. Sergeant Osiris, get your men.
Load and lock.Copy !req
546. Real, baby, I'm real.Copy !req
547. Let's go! We got a lot of klicks to cover!Copy !req
548. Hump it up, gentlemen!
Single formation.Copy !req
549. Don't dawdle now!Copy !req
550. D-Rod, D-Rod, this is Puddingface.
How are we coming on that hotplate?Copy !req
551. Something's up.
I think we better drag ass back there.Copy !req
552. Make sure Damien ain't forgot
how to use his talkbox again.Copy !req
553. Yeah, baby, come on. Just a little taste.Copy !req
554. - What are you doing, Jeff?
- Fucking... Nothing, man!Copy !req
555. - I'm eating jellybeans.
- Wow, I love jellybeans. Can I please...Copy !req
556. No, you can't have
any fucking jellybeans.Copy !req
557. They're mine.Copy !req
558. You think
you're the only one who gets sickCopy !req
559. when he doesn't have his jellybeans?Copy !req
560. Boundaries, man. Fuck.Copy !req
561. Hey. I didn't mean to
show you up back there.Copy !req
562. It's just, I feel like we really need
to set the example for the other guys.Copy !req
563. It's gonna be tough,Copy !req
564. but I think Damien's gonna get
some great shit out of us.Copy !req
565. Just wish I had
a director like this on Jack.Copy !req
566. On Jack. What? Jack?
What you talking about?Copy !req
567. - Simple Jack.
- Oh, yeah.Copy !req
568. Simple Jack, yeah.
You went all out on that one, huh?Copy !req
569. You did.
Really swung for the fences, huh?Copy !req
570. Thank you. Thanks. Yeah.Copy !req
571. Yeah, it was an intense experience,
you know.Copy !req
572. I just did the work.Copy !req
573. Watched a lot of retarded people.
Spent time with them. Observed them.Copy !req
574. Watched all the retarded stuff they did.Copy !req
575. Then again,
I always found mere observationCopy !req
576. in and of itself is a tad rudimentary.Copy !req
577. Sometimes, we gotta dig deeper
to mine the true emotional pay dirt.Copy !req
578. Thus, we can diagram the source
of the pain and then live it, you know.Copy !req
579. Yeah, yeah, live it. Yeah, exactly.Copy !req
580. You know, there were times
when I was doing JackCopy !req
581. that I actually felt retarded,Copy !req
582. - like really retarded.
- Damn.Copy !req
583. - Like really retarded.
- Damn.Copy !req
584. In a weird way,
I had to sort of just free myself upCopy !req
585. to believe that it was okay
to be stupid or dumb.Copy !req
586. - To be a moron.
- Yeah.Copy !req
587. - To be moronical.
- Exactly, to be a moron.Copy !req
588. - An imbecile.
- Yeah.Copy !req
589. Like the dumbest motherfucker
that ever lived.Copy !req
590. When I was playing the character.Copy !req
591. - When you was the character.
- Yeah, as Jack, definitely.Copy !req
592. Jack, stupid ass Jack.Copy !req
593. By the end of the whole thing, I was like,Copy !req
594. "Wait a minute, I flushed so much out,
how am I gonna jump start it up again?"Copy !req
595. - It's just like... Right?
- Yeah.Copy !req
596. You was farting in bathtubs
and laughing your ass off.Copy !req
597. Yeah. I mean, it was really quite a...
It was crazy.Copy !req
598. It's like working with mercury.
It's high science, man. It's an art form.Copy !req
599. - Yeah.
- You an artist.Copy !req
600. - That's what we do, right? Yeah.
- Yeah.Copy !req
601. Hats off for going there,Copy !req
602. especially knowing how
the Academy is about that shit.Copy !req
603. - About what?
- You're serious? You don't know?Copy !req
604. Everybody knows
you never go full retard.Copy !req
605. - What do you mean?
- Check it out.Copy !req
606. Dustin Hoffman, Rain Man, looked
retarded, act retarded, not retarded.Copy !req
607. Count toothpicks, cheat at cards.
Autistic, sure. Not retarded.Copy !req
608. Then you got Tom Hanks,
Forrest Gump.Copy !req
609. Slow, yes, retarded, maybe,
braces on his legs.Copy !req
610. But he charmed the pants off Nixon,
and he won a Ping-Pong competition.Copy !req
611. That ain't retarded.Copy !req
612. Peter Sellers, Being There.
Infantile, yes. Retarded, no.Copy !req
613. You went full retard, man.Copy !req
614. Never go full retard.Copy !req
615. You don't buy that?
Ask Sean Penn, 2001, I Am Sam.Copy !req
616. Remember? Went full retard?
Went home empty-handed.Copy !req
617. Oh, my God! Holy shit!Copy !req
618. Good job, turd. You killed the director.Copy !req
619. No, that's impossible, man.Copy !req
620. I rigged the whole tree line,
and this is here.Copy !req
621. - He must have missed his mark.
- Missed his mark?Copy !req
622. Yeah, this isn't me.Copy !req
623. Come on, let's bag and tag the bastard
and get back to the hotel.Copy !req
624. - You're in a world of hurt, dumbo!
- We're in a world of hurt!Copy !req
625. - You're in trouble.
- This isn't just on me!Copy !req
626. - We're in a... We're together on this.
- Bullshit.Copy !req
627. You're just gonna run away.
You're gonna leave.Copy !req
628. What happened to,
"No man left behind," okay?Copy !req
629. Just wait, just wait! Listen!
Listen, okay?Copy !req
630. - I don't wanna hear it.
- Let me just be real with you, all right?Copy !req
631. I almost blinded Jamie Lee Curtis
on Freaky Friday, okay?Copy !req
632. This shit will fucking ruin me!Copy !req
633. - Just get off me! You're pathetic.
- No, I'm not.Copy !req
634. - Get off me!
- You are not going back!Copy !req
635. - What the fuck?
- Now wait a minute.Copy !req
636. I fucking hate movies.Copy !req
637. This is bullshit.
I don't wanna be in this shitty movie.Copy !req
638. No! That's my jellybeans! No!Copy !req
639. Kid, grab the bat! Please! Shit!Copy !req
640. - Yo, man, I got a Bust-A-Nut.
- You go to hell! There he is.Copy !req
641. God damn it! Okay. Where'd he go?Copy !req
642. You little piece of shit!
I'm gonna fucking rip your wings off!Copy !req
643. Sanducci. Hold up, man,
keep it on the down-low.Copy !req
644. I don't really gotta piss.
I'm trying to talk at you, man.Copy !req
645. Bait, I need bait.Copy !req
646. You went to boot camp, right?
You can read a map?Copy !req
647. Yeah, I think so.Copy !req
648. I know Speedman
got everyone convinced we out hereCopy !req
649. making Planet of the Apes on YouTube
or some shit, but I don't buy it.Copy !req
650. You wanna step on a real landmine?
You wanna die?Copy !req
651. You wanna get shot
by a real motherfucker?Copy !req
652. - Keep looking ahead, man.
- No, of course not.Copy !req
653. If I can put that map in your hands,
can I count you in?Copy !req
654. - Well, yeah, I guess you can.
- Dynamite. I'm out.Copy !req
655. That smelled just like bologna
for some reason.Copy !req
656. Is anyone gonna fucking help me
get this fucking thing?Copy !req
657. Why are they even out in the daytime?Copy !req
658. I'm gonna level with you, bro.
I don't need to pee. I need to talk to you.Copy !req
659. Lazarus is gonna torpedo the movie.Copy !req
660. He's way out on a limb
with this character,Copy !req
661. and I think he's getting cold feet.Copy !req
662. - I need you on my side, Kyle.
- It's Kevin.Copy !req
663. Good. Can I count on you?Copy !req
664. Yeah. If you want
I could give the map a look-see.Copy !req
665. - I'll handle the map.
- Okay.Copy !req
666. You stick with the program,
we get this movie in the can,Copy !req
667. I'm thinking there could be
a Teen Choice Award in it for you.Copy !req
668. You have that potential.
They'll slime you, the whole deal.Copy !req
669. - Yeah, that's wicked.
- Good.Copy !req
670. There it is! Yeah, now you're dead!Copy !req
671. You O.D.'d!Copy !req
672. Hold up now, Jeff.Copy !req
673. Fucking hell!Copy !req
674. What the hell, Jeff? That's a bat, man!Copy !req
675. I don't have any more jellybeans.Copy !req
676. You land there!Copy !req
677. Wow. Look at these ruins.Copy !req
678. - Where the hell are we?
- D'ang Kwook River.Copy !req
679. That so? How do you know that?
How you sure?Copy !req
680. Only one way to find out, dude. Let's go.Copy !req
681. Yeah. I'm not feeling so good right now.
Seriously, my skin hurts!Copy !req
682. Enough from the peanut gallery!
Into the water, ladies!Copy !req
683. No, man. Let me take a look at that map
right quick.Copy !req
684. Why is everybody
all obsessed with the map?Copy !req
685. 'Cause we're tired
of being your trail donkeys!Copy !req
686. Acting like you some one-man GPS!Copy !req
687. God damn it! We lost!
We fucking super lost, man!Copy !req
688. Tell him, McClusky.
Tell him what time it is.Copy !req
689. I don't believe you people.Copy !req
690. What do you mean "you people"?Copy !req
691. What do you mean, "you people"?Copy !req
692. I think what Tugg means is...Copy !req
693. No, look at his eyes, man.Copy !req
694. - you people, you actors. You people...
- Look at them beady, white devil eyes.Copy !req
695. I gotta get back to the hotel, for real!Copy !req
696. - Hell, no!
- Silence!Copy !req
697. Chill! All right? Just chill it.Copy !req
698. Now, let's go get those Viet Congs.Copy !req
699. - "Viet Cong"!
- What?Copy !req
700. It's "Viet Cong." There's no "S."
It's already plural.Copy !req
701. You wouldn't say "Chineses."Copy !req
702. All right, that's enough
of this insubordination!Copy !req
703. If the machine breaks down,
we break down.Copy !req
704. Hey, man, you know how in Rambo I,
he was big but a little puffyCopy !req
705. and then Rambo II,
he got all shredded up?Copy !req
706. - Yeah.
- That's kind of how you look right now.Copy !req
707. - Yeah?
- Not Rambo I but II.Copy !req
708. - Really?
- Yeah, when he was cut up.Copy !req
709. I'm not that... I mean,
that's what I'm going for, but you know...Copy !req
710. Come on, dude. You more shredded
than a julienne salad, man.Copy !req
711. - Thanks.
- What's the secret, dude?Copy !req
712. - It's a diet. I'm just dieting.
- Really?Copy !req
713. 'Cause I'm trying to come up a little,
but it's just... It's tough.Copy !req
714. - You look good.
- Any tips?Copy !req
715. - What?
- Any tips, you got?Copy !req
716. There's, like, the pineapple...Copy !req
717. - Give me that goddamn map! Fuck you!
- Hey!Copy !req
718. - Hey!
- All right, now!Copy !req
719. What it is, Sikorski?
Tell us where we really at.Copy !req
720. That's fucking bullshit!
It's a chump move.Copy !req
721. We just getting a second opinion, doc.Copy !req
722. We're going the wrong way!Copy !req
723. - Damn!
- Son of a bitch.Copy !req
724. God! I think we were
supposed to be doing this,Copy !req
725. and instead we did this.Copy !req
726. Shit, shit, shit, shitty shit, shit!Copy !req
727. Think you can get us back
to that drop zone, boy?Copy !req
728. This is not cool!Copy !req
729. Maybe.Copy !req
730. This is insane!Copy !req
731. Are you really going
to abandon this movie?Copy !req
732. We're supposed to be a unit!Copy !req
733. Suck my unit!Copy !req
734. All right, fine.Copy !req
735. - I'll finish it by myself.
- You go be all you can be, man.Copy !req
736. Tugg, you have no idea
where you're going!Copy !req
737. Yes, I do!Copy !req
738. I'm going to, "Exterior, rain forest, dusk.Copy !req
739. "Smash cut to Four Leaf, who treks
alone through a frightening jungle."Copy !req
740. Suck on that unit, Kirk!Copy !req
741. Come on, men. Let's get home.Copy !req
742. Hello, Mr. Mantis. You're beautiful.Copy !req
743. Now, if you recall that whole hullabalooCopy !req
744. where Hollywood
was split into schisms,Copy !req
745. some studios backing Blu-ray Disc,
others backing HD DVD.Copy !req
746. People thought it would come down toCopy !req
747. pixel rate or refresh rate,
and they're pretty much the same.Copy !req
748. What it came down to was
a combination of gamers and porn.Copy !req
749. Now, whichever format porno backsCopy !req
750. is usually the one
that becomes the most successful.Copy !req
751. But, you know, Sony,
every PlayStation 3 has a Blu-ray in it.Copy !req
752. You talking to me this whole time?Copy !req
753. I was talking to whoever
was listening to me.Copy !req
754. Jesus Christ, man!Copy !req
755. Booty Sweat.Copy !req
756. Oh, God!Copy !req
757. It's cold! It's freezing. I'm fucking cold.Copy !req
758. You want my flak jacket?Copy !req
759. You want my flak jacket?Copy !req
760. What, are you insane? It's boiling!
It's like a sweat lodge out here!Copy !req
761. Keep the volume down on that bitching,
Flatch Adams.Copy !req
762. I gotta take a fucking 12-pound shit!Copy !req
763. - How we doing? We making good time?
- We're making good time,Copy !req
764. but there's no way we make it
over that ridge before sundown.Copy !req
765. All right, fellas,
we're gonna make camp, rest up!Copy !req
766. - Oh, God.
- Y'all might be in for a treat.Copy !req
767. You know,
back before the war broked out,Copy !req
768. I was a saucier in San Antone.Copy !req
769. I bet I could collar up
some of them greens.Copy !req
770. Yeah, noodle some crawfish
out the paddy, yo.Copy !req
771. And maybe some crab apples
for dessert, now, you hear? Hell, yeah!Copy !req
772. Hell, yeah!Copy !req
773. That's how we all talk.
We all talk like this, suh! Yes, suh.Copy !req
774. Yeah, get some crawfish and some ribs.Copy !req
775. You're Australian! Be Australian!
Excuse me, Kangaroo Jack.Copy !req
776. I get excited about my foods, man.Copy !req
777. Die!Copy !req
778. No!Copy !req
779. Dude, dude, what the hell
is going on here? Where are we?Copy !req
780. I have no idea.Copy !req
781. I've never been outside the States.Copy !req
782. Wait, what?
Are you fucking kidding me?Copy !req
783. Did you make this
whole goddamn thing up?Copy !req
784. Dude, were you
even in the fucking service?Copy !req
785. Yes. Of course. Coast Guard.Copy !req
786. - Coast Guard.
- Sanitation Department.Copy !req
787. Oh, my God!
You're a fucking garbage man!Copy !req
788. Damn it. F.L. Tayback lies to me
and the whole goddamn U.S. Of A.Copy !req
789. I wrote the book as a tribute!
I'm a patriot!Copy !req
790. Yeah, you're the Milli Vanilli
of patriots, okay?Copy !req
791. You lied
about fighting the Vietnam War.Copy !req
792. It's like punching the American flag
in the face, God damn it.Copy !req
793. God, and to think I believed in you!Copy !req
794. - I don't wanna be next to you.
- Writers lie all the time.Copy !req
795. Can I be tied to another post? Okay.Copy !req
796. - Rick?
- Tugg.Copy !req
797. I killed one, Rick.Copy !req
798. The thing I love most in the world.Copy !req
799. Vivica, get off the line now!Copy !req
800. A hooker. All right, you killed a hooker.Copy !req
801. Calm down.
Here's what you're gonna do.Copy !req
802. Get your hands on some bleach,Copy !req
803. some hydrogen peroxide
and a shitload of lime.Copy !req
804. No, a panda.Copy !req
805. I killed a panda.Copy !req
806. Amanda? Come on, dude.Copy !req
807. I mean,
that's probably not even her real name.Copy !req
808. No, a panda!Copy !req
809. A panda?Copy !req
810. A sweet, cuddly,Copy !req
811. vicious little panda.Copy !req
812. Jesus Christ, Tugg!
Man, don't scare me like that!Copy !req
813. It's beautiful here.Copy !req
814. You on the set?Copy !req
815. I am the set.Copy !req
816. All right, man.
Hey, how's the TiVo working out?Copy !req
817. Screw TiVo.Copy !req
818. I'm way beyond TiVo.Copy !req
819. Last I checked,
they hadn't hooked it up, though.Copy !req
820. Hadn't hooked it up? No TiVo?Copy !req
821. It doesn't matter anymore.Copy !req
822. I've moved on.Copy !req
823. Where have you moved on to?Copy !req
824. Another agency?Copy !req
825. Hey, who is with you?Copy !req
826. You are still my client, Tugg Speedman!
I am getting the TiVo!Copy !req
827. Jacket's on, I'm out the door!Copy !req
828. Tugg?Copy !req
829. Please don't fire me.Copy !req
830. Oh, mama. Thirsty.Copy !req
831. He doesn't look too good.Copy !req
832. Must drink,
so I can throw something up!Copy !req
833. No, no. Don't drink that water!
That water's like a petri dish!Copy !req
834. No, don't!Copy !req
835. Alpa, do you have any Booty Sweat?Copy !req
836. Yeah, get him chugging on
some of Alpa's ass water.Copy !req
837. That'll bring him around. It's a cure-all.Copy !req
838. Man, what you coming out
in movies for anyway?Copy !req
839. Did you need another revenue stream?Copy !req
840. For your information,
my revenue streamCopy !req
841. currently generates $2 million a yearCopy !req
842. in charitable contributions
for my community.Copy !req
843. - Hot damn.
- And why am I in this movie?Copy !req
844. Maybe I just knew I had to represent,Copy !req
845. because they had one good part
in it for a black manCopy !req
846. and they gave it to Crocodile Dundee.Copy !req
847. Pump your brakes, kid.
That man is a national treasure.Copy !req
848. I just wanted to throw another shrimp
on your barbie.Copy !req
849. That shit ain't funny.Copy !req
850. Hey, fellas! It's hot!
We're tired! It stinks!Copy !req
851. I'm just fucking with you,
Kangaroo Jack!Copy !req
852. I'm sorry a dingo ate your baby.Copy !req
853. You know that's a true story?
Lady lost her kid.Copy !req
854. - You about to cross some fucking lines.
- Guys, relax and stuff.Copy !req
855. You know what? Fuck that, man!Copy !req
856. I'm sick of this koala-hugging nigger
telling me...Copy !req
857. For 400 years,Copy !req
858. that word has kept us down.Copy !req
859. What the fuck?Copy !req
860. It took a whole lot of trying
just to get up that hill.Copy !req
861. Now we up in the big leagues,Copy !req
862. getting our turn at bat.Copy !req
863. Long as we live, it's you and me, baby.Copy !req
864. That's the theme song for
The Jeffersons. You really need help.Copy !req
865. Yeah. Just 'cause it's the theme song,
don't make it not true.Copy !req
866. You know what?
I'm gonna tell you what's true.Copy !req
867. I'm gonna tag you back.
You better believe that, baby.Copy !req
868. Guys! Hey, guys!Copy !req
869. Jeff, stay away from that animal.Copy !req
870. I'm gonna bite his hide. I need...Copy !req
871. I need to wear his stomach skin
like a unitard.Copy !req
872. Ain't nobody doing nothing
to no one or body!Copy !req
873. Now, if Mr. Portnoy is feeling
a little flu-ish, don't wanna walk,Copy !req
874. put him up on that cloven-hoof animal!Copy !req
875. We got ground to cover!Copy !req
876. All right, POW camp, scene 67.Copy !req
877. Bring it on, Cockburn!Copy !req
878. My body may be shackled,
but my mind wanders free.Copy !req
879. Wait, wait, wait,
let me do the line again.Copy !req
880. Let me do the line again.Copy !req
881. My body may be shackled,
but my mind wanders free.Copy !req
882. Good, again. Again.Copy !req
883. Good, good.
Now let's do the torture scene.Copy !req
884. I see moss on both sides of that tree.Copy !req
885. Well, you know, maybe if I wasn't
the only one at boot camp...Copy !req
886. My belly really hurts, you guys!Copy !req
887. I'm not joking around, I'm nauseous.Copy !req
888. Let me off, I gotta puke!
I don't wanna die like Hendrix!Copy !req
889. All right. All right.Copy !req
890. Are you okay, Jeff?Copy !req
891. I'm awesome.Copy !req
892. Holy shit!Copy !req
893. Okay. Everyone, down, down, down.Copy !req
894. Man. Now I'm tripping.Copy !req
895. That looks like the POW camp
from out the script, yo.Copy !req
896. Speedman was right?Copy !req
897. I don't think so.Copy !req
898. Look at the cooking vats,
the armed guards.Copy !req
899. Looks like a heroin processing plant.Copy !req
900. We were in that chopper for hours.Copy !req
901. I don't even think
we're in Vietnam anymore.Copy !req
902. - Fuck.
- Shit. We ain't even in 'Nam?Copy !req
903. No, most likely Myanmar or Laos.Copy !req
904. What the fuck is Laos?Copy !req
905. It's the Golden Triangle.Copy !req
906. The world's hard drug superhighway.Copy !req
907. And how do you know about that?Copy !req
908. It was a really long trip.
I read the in-flight magazine.Copy !req
909. Cut!Copy !req
910. Oh, Jesus!Copy !req
911. What do you see, man? I'm blocked.Copy !req
912. Damien, cut!Copy !req
913. Hey, Damien, cut!Copy !req
914. They got Speedman.Copy !req
915. And it doesn't look good.Copy !req
916. I am Tran.Copy !req
917. You are a trespasser
in my poppy fields.Copy !req
918. You are D.E.A. Scum!Copy !req
919. Were there some re-writes
that I missed?Copy !req
920. Do you want to die?Copy !req
921. - Do you?
- No!Copy !req
922. Please, don't hurt me!Copy !req
923. Say that again.Copy !req
924. Please, don't hurt me.Copy !req
925. No! Like you did before! Say it!Copy !req
926. Say it!Copy !req
927. Please, don't hurt me!Copy !req
928. - What?
- You are Simple Jack.Copy !req
929. You saw Simple Jack?Copy !req
930. We love the tale of this man,
Simple Jack.Copy !req
931. We do not have many luxury here.Copy !req
932. And Simple Jack is the only movie
we possess.Copy !req
933. You got the VHS.Copy !req
934. We've watched it many, many times.Copy !req
935. You should've got Oscar.Copy !req
936. Well, you know. It's...Copy !req
937. Just to be nominated...Copy !req
938. You were nominated?Copy !req
939. No, no, no. I wasn't nominated.Copy !req
940. I'm just saying that to have been
nominated would have been nice.Copy !req
941. It's just... It's very political.
You have to take out ads...Copy !req
942. - Shut up now!
- Okay. Okay.Copy !req
943. So, are you going toCopy !req
944. let me go, or...Copy !req
945. No. We'll hold you for ransom.Copy !req
946. Much more money now!Copy !req
947. He's in a meeting.Copy !req
948. Yeah, I know.
In about two seconds with the Pecker.Copy !req
949. I'm gonna rip your fucking tits off.Copy !req
950. You wanna talk about trouble?
That's trouble.Copy !req
951. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.Copy !req
952. What do you need, Peck?Copy !req
953. No, more like what do you need, Les?Copy !req
954. Glasses?Copy !req
955. What?Copy !req
956. So you can read
the Tropic Thunder contractCopy !req
957. that guarantees my client,
Tugg Speedman,Copy !req
958. some form of digital video recorder
on location.Copy !req
959. - Huh?
- I can't believe you let him in.Copy !req
960. Look, fuckstick, I'm incredibly busy,
so why don't you get the hell out of hereCopy !req
961. before I snap your dick off
and jam it into your ass?Copy !req
962. No, not you, Helen.Copy !req
963. But I will rip your tits off
if you don't get me those theaters.Copy !req
964. Perfect.Copy !req
965. Hey, Tuggernuts,
I've got you on speakerphone.Copy !req
966. I'm standing here with Les Grossman,Copy !req
967. and he is dying to tell you
why he's apparently wiped his assCopy !req
968. with the TiVo clause from your contract.Copy !req
969. We are Flaming Dragon.Copy !req
970. Speedman is with us now.Copy !req
971. For 50 million, you will get him back.Copy !req
972. - Are you gonna get those...
- Who is this?Copy !req
973. - And how did you get this phone?
- We are Flaming Dragon!Copy !req
974. Simple Jack belong to us now.Copy !req
975. He does, does he?Copy !req
976. Let me tell you something, shitbird.Copy !req
977. I've never even heard
of your little agency.Copy !req
978. But if you think
you can poach my client...Copy !req
979. Send $50 million, or you no see
Simple Jack again because we kill him.Copy !req
980. This is Les Grossman. Who is this?Copy !req
981. This is Flaming Dragon!Copy !req
982. Okay. Flaming Dragon. Fuckface.Copy !req
983. First, take a big step back
and literally fuck your own face!Copy !req
984. Now, I don't know what kind of
pan-Pacific bullshit power playCopy !req
985. you're trying to pull here,
but Asia, Jack, is my territory.Copy !req
986. So whatever you're thinking,
you better think again.Copy !req
987. Otherwise, I'm gonna
have to head down there,Copy !req
988. and I will rain down an ungodly
fucking firestorm upon you.Copy !req
989. You're gonna have to call
the fucking United NationsCopy !req
990. and get a fucking binding resolution
to keep me from fucking destroying you.Copy !req
991. I am talking scorched earth,
motherfucker!Copy !req
992. I will massacre you!Copy !req
993. I will fuck you up!Copy !req
994. - Could you find out who that was? Go.
- Yeah. Yeah.Copy !req
995. You wear these.
More like Simple Jack teeth.Copy !req
996. Okay.Copy !req
997. Hey. Look, I know you're a big fan,
and that's great...Copy !req
998. Put teeth in!Copy !req
999. Now do movie.Copy !req
1000. The whole movie?Copy !req
1001. I can't. I don't know the whole...Copy !req
1002. You perform! You perform or die!Copy !req
1003. Monkey swine!Copy !req
1004. Pa.Copy !req
1005. More stupid!Copy !req
1006. Pa, why you gotta make me feel bad?Copy !req
1007. You saw what I saw.Copy !req
1008. Tugg Speedman is dead meat
if we don't do something soon.Copy !req
1009. Yeah. We could do something
by getting our asses back to the hotel,Copy !req
1010. which is in the other direction!Copy !req
1011. Ain't right.Copy !req
1012. What would've happened
in The Great EscapeCopy !req
1013. if Steve McQueen and them dudes
had turned tail and ran?Copy !req
1014. Well, that's what that movie was about.
They were escaping. They ran away.Copy !req
1015. I'm trying to agree with you.
The point is they did something.Copy !req
1016. Then what are we supposed to do, huh?Copy !req
1017. 'Cause he's cleaning a gun
with no bullets. Yeah, that's a plan.Copy !req
1018. I'm just like a little boy,
playing with his dick when he's nervous.Copy !req
1019. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.Copy !req
1020. I got an idea.
This might be a little crazy.Copy !req
1021. Crazy's better than nothing.Copy !req
1022. Back in '98, I did a low-budget
titty comedy for Skinemax.Copy !req
1023. - Sex Camp. Remember it?
- Yeah.Copy !req
1024. Anyway, me and the campers
from the uncool campCopy !req
1025. had to break into the rich girl camp.Copy !req
1026. So, what we did,Copy !req
1027. we built a catapult
out of logs and underwear,Copy !req
1028. and they shot us over the wall,
and we parachuted down.Copy !req
1029. Look,Copy !req
1030. - you guys, we already know the plan.
- Fine.Copy !req
1031. We do it just like in the book,
Chapter 26, the Wet Offensive.Copy !req
1032. The book of Tropic Thunder.Copy !req
1033. Yeah, did you guys read the book?Copy !req
1034. The flap, I read the back flap
and saw the pictures.Copy !req
1035. Well, it's okay.
It's exactly the same as in the script.Copy !req
1036. Cool.Copy !req
1037. You guys all read the script, right?Copy !req
1038. I don't read the script, script reads me.Copy !req
1039. What the hell does that even mean?Copy !req
1040. What you getting at with the books,
scripts? Spit that shit out, man!Copy !req
1041. All right. The Wet Offensive.Copy !req
1042. Osiris and Fats go undercover
as a diversion.Copy !req
1043. Motown and Brooklyn sneak in
via the river.Copy !req
1044. Yeah. But those dudes
was trained soldiers.Copy !req
1045. Yeah!Copy !req
1046. And we trained actors, motherfucker.Copy !req
1047. Time to man up.
And I ain't gonna sugarcoat.Copy !req
1048. Some of us
might not even make it back.Copy !req
1049. What do you mean?
Like not on the same flight?Copy !req
1050. Alpa and I's already wearing
earth mama's natural night camo.Copy !req
1051. - Cool it, Benson.
- Sorry.Copy !req
1052. We gonna scout, get a plan together.
We ain't back in 20, come looking.Copy !req
1053. We are Flaming Dragon.Copy !req
1054. Okay.Copy !req
1055. Flaming Dragon's
a heroin manufacturer.Copy !req
1056. They're responsible
for an eighth of the drug trade in Asia.Copy !req
1057. - Huge profit margin.
- Guys!Copy !req
1058. Would somebody please let me know
what the game plan is?Copy !req
1059. Peck! We have it handled.Copy !req
1060. Please, don't interrupt.
Everything's under control.Copy !req
1061. I got it. Got it.Copy !req
1062. - Les Grossman.
- We not get money yet.Copy !req
1063. Price now 100 million!Copy !req
1064. You pay now,
or tomorrow Simple Jack die.Copy !req
1065. Great. Let me get this down.Copy !req
1066. 100 million.Copy !req
1067. Wait! I got a better idea.Copy !req
1068. Instead of 100 million,Copy !req
1069. how about I send you
a hobo's dick cheese?Copy !req
1070. Then you kill him! Do your thing!
Skin the fucking bastard!Copy !req
1071. Go to town, man! Go to town!Copy !req
1072. - No...
- In the meantime, and as usual,Copy !req
1073. go fuck yourself!Copy !req
1074. - No.
- We don't negotiate with terrorists.Copy !req
1075. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Hey, hey, are you insane?Copy !req
1076. - I think I could've done that better.
- I thought it was good.Copy !req
1077. They're gonna kill him!Copy !req
1078. And we'll weep for him, in the press.Copy !req
1079. Set up a scholarship in his name.Copy !req
1080. Eventually, and I'm talking way,
way down the road,Copy !req
1081. we file an insurance claim.Copy !req
1082. Preferably before
the end of the fiscal year.Copy !req
1083. Actually, the claim alone would net us
more than the movie would lose.Copy !req
1084. You can't be serious.Copy !req
1085. Let's face it.Copy !req
1086. The kids aren't dressing up as Scorcher
for Purim anymore.Copy !req
1087. Speedman is a dying star,Copy !req
1088. a white dwarf heading for a black hole.Copy !req
1089. That's physics. It's inevitable.Copy !req
1090. We've been handed
an incredible opportunity here, Peck.Copy !req
1091. The universe is talking to us right now.Copy !req
1092. You just gotta listen.Copy !req
1093. See, this is the good part, Pecker.
This is when the job gets fun.Copy !req
1094. Yeah.Copy !req
1095. Ask and you shall receive.Copy !req
1096. - All right.
- You play ball, we play ball.Copy !req
1097. I know you want the goodies.Copy !req
1098. Welcome to the goody room.Copy !req
1099. You paying attention?
'Cause I'm talking G5 for the Pecker.Copy !req
1100. That's how you're gonna roll.Copy !req
1101. No more frequent flier
bitch miles for my boy.Copy !req
1102. Yeah!Copy !req
1103. Playa.Copy !req
1104. Playa!Copy !req
1105. Big dick playa.Copy !req
1106. Swinging past your knees!Copy !req
1107. Big dick, baby.Copy !req
1108. Yep.Copy !req
1109. Or you can grow a conscienceCopy !req
1110. in the next five minutes
and see where that takes you.Copy !req
1111. Let me get this straight.Copy !req
1112. You want me
to let my client of 15 years,Copy !req
1113. one of my best friends,Copy !req
1114. die in the jungle, alone,
for some money and a G5?Copy !req
1115. Yes.Copy !req
1116. A G5 airplane?Copy !req
1117. Yes.Copy !req
1118. And lots of money.Copy !req
1119. Playa.Copy !req
1120. Yeah!Copy !req
1121. Smack it up, flip it, rub it down!Copy !req
1122. But Mama take care of Jack a lot.Copy !req
1123. How many more sleeps
before she wakes up again?Copy !req
1124. Sorry, Jack.Copy !req
1125. She in heaven now.Copy !req
1126. Damn! I thought the movie was bad.Copy !req
1127. She sleep forever.Copy !req
1128. To the man's credit, he's actually
eased up on the retard throttle.Copy !req
1129. And now that's added a balance,
and the audience can connect.Copy !req
1130. I mean, this is Theater 101,
but, you know, he's had a tough road.Copy !req
1131. He'll become a naturalist.Copy !req
1132. - Yeah.
- Break down the aesthetic distance,Copy !req
1133. then the...Copy !req
1134. Told you I'd tag you back.Copy !req
1135. Can I tell you that I'm sorryCopy !req
1136. for any offense I might've caused, man?Copy !req
1137. - I just got caught up in...
- In being a dumbass?Copy !req
1138. I guess so.Copy !req
1139. Why you still doing this
Chicken George shit, I have no idea.Copy !req
1140. - Neither do I.
- It's beyond me.Copy !req
1141. - It's beyond me.
- You confused.Copy !req
1142. - I am a little confused.
- I know.Copy !req
1143. But are we cool?Copy !req
1144. Not really.Copy !req
1145. Hey, man.Copy !req
1146. - How's it going?
- Good. Yourself?Copy !req
1147. Hey, so, if it's no big deal,Copy !req
1148. I think I'm just gonna hang back here
for the mission.Copy !req
1149. Watch the stuff.Copy !req
1150. - Is that cool?
- What? No!Copy !req
1151. We need you, Jeff.Copy !req
1152. What are you talking about?Copy !req
1153. Okay, look, man.Copy !req
1154. - I got something to tell you.
- Okay.Copy !req
1155. You know those jellybeans
I was eating?Copy !req
1156. Well, they weren't jellybeans, okay?Copy !req
1157. - They were drugs.
- Really?Copy !req
1158. I get down there near the mother lode,
I am done. I'm jonesing bad, man.Copy !req
1159. I'm gonna fucking do all the heroin
in the fucking world.Copy !req
1160. If you guys wanna make it through
this thing, you gotta strap me to a tree.Copy !req
1161. - Are you serious?
- Yeah, I'm serious. Literally, a tree.Copy !req
1162. And you can, no matter what, you can't
fucking untie me until it is done,Copy !req
1163. until it is out of my system.Copy !req
1164. I'm gonna say,
"Hey, man, I'm cool. It's cool.Copy !req
1165. "I'm finally better. I'm finally better.
Untie me."Copy !req
1166. Don't listen to me!
Anything I fucking say is a lie!Copy !req
1167. You got it!Copy !req
1168. Goodbye, Mama!Copy !req
1169. Now you can have ice cream in heaven.Copy !req
1170. I'll see you tonight, when I go to bed,
in my head movies.Copy !req
1171. But this head movie
makes my eyes rain.Copy !req
1172. Dang. Gilligan catching a kidney shot.Copy !req
1173. - They got him on the move!
- That's torture, man.Copy !req
1174. Okay. That's where they keeping him.Copy !req
1175. I gotta get cracking on my costume.Copy !req
1176. Say, are you good
with a needle and thread?Copy !req
1177. Hell, yeah.Copy !req
1178. Alpa Chino chinos sold more than
five million pairs last spring at the Gap.Copy !req
1179. - I sewed them patterns myself, baby.
- Let's roll out.Copy !req
1180. It's a little twig man Oscar.Copy !req
1181. I'm going to call you Half Squat.Copy !req
1182. And you can call meCopy !req
1183. Papa.Copy !req
1184. Wow, look at all those stars.Copy !req
1185. Really makes a guy feel pretty small.Copy !req
1186. This could be the last time
we look at these stars.Copy !req
1187. Man, that's beauty.Copy !req
1188. Nights like tonight
make a man wonder what it's all about.Copy !req
1189. Hey, you guys.
Anybody got some bug spray?Copy !req
1190. Don't ignore me!Copy !req
1191. Stick it out, man.
We're gonna get through this.Copy !req
1192. - Hey, Kirk?
- Yeah?Copy !req
1193. Are you still dating
Jennifer Love Hewitt?Copy !req
1194. 'Cause I think she's hot.Copy !req
1195. No, that was just some
tabloid conjecture.Copy !req
1196. Hey, guys, I'm good. I made it through.
You can untie me now.Copy !req
1197. Funny, huh?Copy !req
1198. The circus life 280 days a year
on location.Copy !req
1199. It's hard to find a girl
that can hang with that, you know?Copy !req
1200. Not one worth keeping, nohow.Copy !req
1201. Hey, Radar? Evans?Copy !req
1202. No, it's Kevin.Copy !req
1203. Kev, whatever the fuck.
Come over here.Copy !req
1204. I didn't tell you, but Fatties: Fart Three
is coming down the pike,Copy !req
1205. and there's a role in there for you
if you come over and untie me.Copy !req
1206. Jeff, you're just going to
have to tough it out.Copy !req
1207. Your mother's a cankerous whore!Copy !req
1208. Jesus, man.Copy !req
1209. Hey, man.Copy !req
1210. Remember way back when I said
your mother was a cankerous whore?Copy !req
1211. I'm sorry, man.
I did not mean that. She's not.Copy !req
1212. How about you, man?Copy !req
1213. You got some little minx waiting for you
on the other side of tomorrow?Copy !req
1214. Me?Copy !req
1215. I've barely even had a girlfriend, and...Copy !req
1216. I was really hoping I'd get laid
when this movie came out,Copy !req
1217. but that's not gonna happen.Copy !req
1218. What about you, Masterblaster?Copy !req
1219. You got a certain someone you trying
to get with back in the States?Copy !req
1220. What, Alpa Chino?
He's like 10 girls deep, 24/7.Copy !req
1221. No. You missing me, man.Copy !req
1222. I'm talking about something special.
Big difference.Copy !req
1223. How about it?Copy !req
1224. Yeah.Copy !req
1225. Yeah, there is.Copy !req
1226. Well? What's the skinny?
Y'all been on a date or what?Copy !req
1227. No. I mean...Copy !req
1228. I always wanted to, but I guess
I just never had the courage to ask.Copy !req
1229. It's... It's complicated.Copy !req
1230. No! It's simple as pie, man.Copy !req
1231. You plant your feet in the ground, you
look her square in the eyes, you say,Copy !req
1232. "Hey, baby, you and me's going
on a date." That's the end of story.Copy !req
1233. - What's her name?
- Lance.Copy !req
1234. "Listen here, Lance..."Copy !req
1235. Lance? What the fuck did I just hear?
Lance?Copy !req
1236. - Did you say "Lance"?
- No!Copy !req
1237. - That sounded like "Lance."
- No, I said "Nance."Copy !req
1238. - That's what I said, "Nance."
- It sounded like "Lance."Copy !req
1239. Look, I'm Alpa Chino, okay?Copy !req
1240. I love the pussy! All right?Copy !req
1241. Lay your ass back down
and look at the stars.Copy !req
1242. When you wrote I Love Tha PussyCopy !req
1243. was you thinking of dangling your dice
on Lance's forehead?Copy !req
1244. Oh, hell, no! What? Come on. Look.Copy !req
1245. - Man, everyone's gay once in a while.
- I'm not gay!Copy !req
1246. This Hollywood.Copy !req
1247. How about we all get back to work?Copy !req
1248. - Okay. Cool.
- This is ridiculous!Copy !req
1249. We got a big day tomorrow.
Let's get focused.Copy !req
1250. Alpa, if you untie me,
I will literally suck your dick right now.Copy !req
1251. I told you, for the last time,
I love the pussy!Copy !req
1252. I'll cradle the balls, stroke the shaft,Copy !req
1253. work the pipe and swallow the gravy.Copy !req
1254. Get it over here, buddy. Let's do this.Copy !req
1255. Okay, so, what's the plan?Copy !req
1256. Are you gonna talk Vietnamese
to those dudes?Copy !req
1257. No. No. Mandarin Chinese.Copy !req
1258. Which, from what I can tell,
is what they speaking down there.Copy !req
1259. How the hell do you know Chinese?Copy !req
1260. Land of Silk and Money with Gong Li.
Second Globe, third Oscar.Copy !req
1261. Prepped for that one by working in
a Beijing textile factory for eight months.Copy !req
1262. That might be our ride.Copy !req
1263. The straps are too tight!Copy !req
1264. Shut your mouth and follow my lead.Copy !req
1265. Okay.Copy !req
1266. All right.Copy !req
1267. That looks like it could be
the munitions hut right there.Copy !req
1268. I'm gonna try to find Speedman
in the main building.Copy !req
1269. Get over here!Copy !req
1270. - What are you guys doing here?
- He has hands.Copy !req
1271. - He killed Damien.
- Bullshit!Copy !req
1272. - He blinded Jamie Lee Curtis.
- Almost!Copy !req
1273. What are you talking about?
Damien stepped on a old landmine.Copy !req
1274. Sweet. Thank God.Copy !req
1275. - We busting Speedman out.
- Speedman's here?Copy !req
1276. They got my boom boom up here.Copy !req
1277. I take it y'all are doing
the Wet Offensive from the book.Copy !req
1278. I can give y'all a diversion.Copy !req
1279. I got enough shit here to light this place
up like it's the Fourth of fucking July.Copy !req
1280. Yes, your farm.Copy !req
1281. Where is your farm,Copy !req
1282. American?Copy !req
1283. My farm?Copy !req
1284. Oh, shit.Copy !req
1285. Here's my motherfucking farm!Copy !req
1286. Yeah!Copy !req
1287. Yeah! Chicka-chickaw, baby!Copy !req
1288. Kwan-Lo!Copy !req
1289. I'm a lead farmer, motherfucker!Copy !req
1290. Yeah!Copy !req
1291. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
keep your head down!Copy !req
1292. Keep your head down on the ground!Copy !req
1293. Nobody move or I do the little big guy!Copy !req
1294. That's right,
we running this program now, J.P.Copy !req
1295. Now show me where the drugs are.Copy !req
1296. What the fuck?Copy !req
1297. That ain't the plan!Copy !req
1298. Don't judge me!Copy !req
1299. He's got a real serious problem.Copy !req
1300. Hey! Hey, you!Copy !req
1301. Take off your clothes!Copy !req
1302. Take off your clothes!Copy !req
1303. What do we do now?Copy !req
1304. Stick with the plan. Find Speedman.Copy !req
1305. Alpa, keep this clown posse down.
Come on now.Copy !req
1306. Y'all heard the man.
Be suede, don't move!Copy !req
1307. Fuck your do-rag. Fuck your do-rag.Copy !req
1308. - Door!
- One, two, three!Copy !req
1309. I go high, you go low.Copy !req
1310. Get down. Get down! Get down!
Chow Yun-Fat, get the hell down!Copy !req
1311. If I see one more head pop up,
it's gonna be bullet Whac-A-Mole.Copy !req
1312. Come on, come on!Copy !req
1313. - Smoke grenade.
- Don't drop it now.Copy !req
1314. Here.Copy !req
1315. - What's this?
- I don't know what it's called.Copy !req
1316. I just know the sound it makes
when it lies.Copy !req
1317. Don't move, Matchbox,
or I will shoot you.Copy !req
1318. I'm gonna put on this thing. Don't move.Copy !req
1319. I can still see you.Copy !req
1320. Tugg!Copy !req
1321. Tugg?Copy !req
1322. Gotcha.Copy !req
1323. Roll your shit up, man. We going home.Copy !req
1324. Home?Copy !req
1325. But I'm doing five shows a day
for a standing-room-only crowd.Copy !req
1326. Don't you get it? I already am home.Copy !req
1327. All right, now, dude, you gotta get it...Copy !req
1328. My son gave this to me.Copy !req
1329. - That's your stick buddy?
- His name is Twigman.Copy !req
1330. Does he wanna come with us?Copy !req
1331. Get the hell down!Copy !req
1332. What you doing? What you doing?
Don't touch that gun.Copy !req
1333. Don't do it! Don't touch that gun!Copy !req
1334. On my momma, if you touch that gun...Copy !req
1335. - Oh, shit, it's on!
- Over here!Copy !req
1336. Shadow me, Pinocchio!Copy !req
1337. Smoke!Copy !req
1338. Oh, shit!Copy !req
1339. Jeff, don't!Copy !req
1340. It doesn't matter what I do.Copy !req
1341. I'll always be a screw-up.
No one'll ever respect me.Copy !req
1342. That is not true, you are not a screw-up!
You make so many people laugh.Copy !req
1343. They only laugh at my farts.Copy !req
1344. Jeff, we really need to go now!Copy !req
1345. This is all I deserve!Copy !req
1346. Laugh at that, you bastards!Copy !req
1347. Hilarious! Hilarious!Copy !req
1348. Let's move. We only have 16 hours
before they wake up.Copy !req
1349. Sounds like the dinner bell's ringing.Copy !req
1350. These assholes are gonna be crawling
in here ready to fucking eat us.Copy !req
1351. There. All right, you keep six right here.Copy !req
1352. Come on, let's go.Copy !req
1353. Come on, what are you guys doing?
Let's get out of here!Copy !req
1354. He's on tilt status.Copy !req
1355. Same thing happened to me when
I played Neil Armstrong in Moonshot.Copy !req
1356. They found me in an alley in BurbankCopy !req
1357. trying to re-enter the Earth's
atmosphere in an old refrigerator box.Copy !req
1358. Give me the flame thrower.
You gotta start the chopper.Copy !req
1359. - No, fuck that! Just give me this.
- No time! I'll take care of this!Copy !req
1360. All right. Give me your hooks.Copy !req
1361. Don't worry,
I'm not gonna put them on again.Copy !req
1362. - Just give me your goddamn hooks
- All right Here.Copy !req
1363. Get those boys back to the bird, pronto!Copy !req
1364. Shit! Enough!Copy !req
1365. Fake shit!Copy !req
1366. Fuck!Copy !req
1367. Go get your guys!
Get them to the chopper!Copy !req
1368. I'll take care of these yahoos!Copy !req
1369. You're gonna focus up now,
motherfucker, and say it.Copy !req
1370. - "It's me, Tugg!"
- It's me, Tugg.Copy !req
1371. That's right! Now, Tugg who?Copy !req
1372. - Tugg who? I don't know. Who are you?
- Me?Copy !req
1373. I know who I am!Copy !req
1374. I'm a dude playing a dude
disguised as another dude.Copy !req
1375. What?Copy !req
1376. You a dude
that don't know what dude he is!Copy !req
1377. Or are you a dude who has no idea
what dude he isCopy !req
1378. and claims to know what dude he is...Copy !req
1379. What the fuck
are you guys talking about?Copy !req
1380. by playing other dudes?Copy !req
1381. I know what dude I am!Copy !req
1382. - You're scared.
- I ain't scared. Scared of what?Copy !req
1383. Or scared of who?Copy !req
1384. - Scared of who?
- Come on, guys. We really need to go!Copy !req
1385. Scared of you.Copy !req
1386. - Jesus.
- What's going on?Copy !req
1387. The dudes are emerging.Copy !req
1388. He's right, you know.Copy !req
1389. I am notCopy !req
1390. Sergeant Lincoln Osiris.Copy !req
1391. We gotta roll out.Copy !req
1392. Nor am I Father O'Malley.Copy !req
1393. Or Neil Armstrong.Copy !req
1394. I think I might be nobody.Copy !req
1395. Wow!Copy !req
1396. The insecurity level
with you guys is ridiculous!Copy !req
1397. - Everybody's got issues!
- Yeah, man, everybody got issues.Copy !req
1398. Come on! You're Kirk Lazarus.Copy !req
1399. You're the whole reason
I got into acting.Copy !req
1400. I memorized every single monologueCopy !req
1401. you ever did
when I was in theater school.Copy !req
1402. - Really?
- Yeah. And look, Tugg!Copy !req
1403. I saw Scorcher I
24 times when I was in eighth grade.Copy !req
1404. That shit blew me away!
I got high to that shit! You the man!Copy !req
1405. Yeah, man, Scorcher I was great.
Let's get the fuck out of here!Copy !req
1406. Tugg, Tugger, you're the last piece
of the puzzle, buddy.Copy !req
1407. We need you! Your men need you!
Are you with us?Copy !req
1408. I'm a rooster illusion.Copy !req
1409. Fuck it. We'll deal with him later.Copy !req
1410. Let's move. Come on. Come on.
Double time. Gotta go!Copy !req
1411. Come on, come on, come on.Copy !req
1412. Bingo! Move out.Copy !req
1413. Oh, God.Copy !req
1414. Just say no to this,
you drug-making midget.Copy !req
1415. Gotta hold on!Copy !req
1416. Four Leaf!Copy !req
1417. You grew hands?Copy !req
1418. RPG, gentlemen!Copy !req
1419. Where are you going?Copy !req
1420. Oh, my God.
I am moving to catering after this.Copy !req
1421. My ass!Copy !req
1422. My ass!Copy !req
1423. Hey, yo!
We gotta get our shit together, Tugg!Copy !req
1424. We gotta get his cracker ass
to the chopper!Copy !req
1425. Are you still crazy?
We gotta get Candisky to the chopper!Copy !req
1426. It's Sandusky.Copy !req
1427. - Kevin Sandusky.
- That's my name.Copy !req
1428. You remembered my name.Copy !req
1429. Alpa, go help Cody.Copy !req
1430. Portnoy, get Sandusky
back to the chopper. Go!Copy !req
1431. - I got him!
- Let's go!Copy !req
1432. Let's get out of here!Copy !req
1433. Hey, Leaf!Copy !req
1434. - Leaf!
- Yeah.Copy !req
1435. Hit the plungerCopy !req
1436. - as soon as they clear the bridge!
- Got it!Copy !req
1437. Come on! Get in the chopper!Copy !req
1438. - Come on! Move!
- Kirk! Wait!Copy !req
1439. - What the hell is he doing?
- Laz, I'm gonna blow the bridge!Copy !req
1440. Leaf's about to blow the bridge.
Come on!Copy !req
1441. You don't have to! You don't have to!
I'm staying.Copy !req
1442. No, I can't let you do that, mate.
We gotta go.Copy !req
1443. No, I'm telling you, I'm not being crazy.
They'll listen to me.Copy !req
1444. I know it sounds weird,
but I have a connection with them.Copy !req
1445. - Get over here!
- I have a son now. Little Half Squat.Copy !req
1446. Who in crikey fuck is Half Squat?Copy !req
1447. He's my son. He's my boy!Copy !req
1448. He needs me. I have to go back to him.Copy !req
1449. You tell the world what happened here.Copy !req
1450. What happened here?Copy !req
1451. I don't know, but you need to tell them.Copy !req
1452. I got this.Copy !req
1453. Tugg!Copy !req
1454. You take care of the boys!
I'll deal with these guys.Copy !req
1455. Where is he going?
We're gonna fucking die!Copy !req
1456. Laz, come on. He joined the circus.
Let's go.Copy !req
1457. - You've got hands.
- Yeah.Copy !req
1458. - Fuck! You've got hands?
- Come on!Copy !req
1459. - Come on!
- Get in!Copy !req
1460. - Come on!
- He's staying?Copy !req
1461. Go! He's a lost cause, mate!
Get out of here!Copy !req
1462. I was wrong! Blow the bridge!
Blow the fucking bridge!Copy !req
1463. I got this.Copy !req
1464. Leaf, no!Copy !req
1465. It's over! He's gone!Copy !req
1466. Cody! We gotta go!Copy !req
1467. Look.Copy !req
1468. Think he's done.Copy !req
1469. Cover me!Copy !req
1470. - Come on!
- Wait, come back!Copy !req
1471. How do we cover him?Copy !req
1472. All right, game over. Come on, mate.
Come on.Copy !req
1473. - You all right, man?
- I'm cold.Copy !req
1474. I can't feel my legs.Copy !req
1475. No, no, they're in a puddle, mate. See?
There's a puddle right there.Copy !req
1476. - No worries.
- Good.Copy !req
1477. Come on, we gotta split, man.Copy !req
1478. - You guys came back for me.
- Course.Copy !req
1479. Hey! I want you to know something.Copy !req
1480. What?Copy !req
1481. I know who you are.Copy !req
1482. You're my friend.Copy !req
1483. You're my brother.Copy !req
1484. But like a really cool brother, you know?Copy !req
1485. Like a brother
where there was no animosity or...Copy !req
1486. Don't look now,
you got some real tears going.Copy !req
1487. Really?Copy !req
1488. That's the stuff
that accolades are made of.Copy !req
1489. Jesus, let's go, man!Copy !req
1490. All right?Copy !req
1491. Upsy-daisy.Copy !req
1492. Come on! Come on! Come on!
Let's go! Let's go!Copy !req
1493. Get in! Get in!Copy !req
1494. Come on! Here we go!Copy !req
1495. Tuggernuts! I got it!Copy !req
1496. - Tugger!
- Rick!Copy !req
1497. What the fuck?Copy !req
1498. I got the TiVo!Copy !req
1499. My friend wants a TiVo,
my friend gets a TiVo!Copy !req
1500. Oh, shit!Copy !req
1501. And the Oscar goes to...Copy !req
1502. Yes! Tugg Speedman.Copy !req
1503. "Tropic Blunder,
The True Story Behind the MakingCopy !req
1504. "of the Most Expensive
Fake True War Story Ever."Copy !req
1505. Yeah!Copy !req
1506. Yeah, you son of a bitch!Copy !req
1507. Eight Oscars, $400 millionCopy !req
1508. and you saved
Tugg Speedman's career.Copy !req
1509. I couldn't have done it
without you, Slolom.Copy !req
1510. Really?Copy !req
1511. No, dickhead, of course I could.Copy !req
1512. - A nutless monkey could do your job.
- Well, I...Copy !req
1513. Now, go get drunk
and take credit at all the parties.Copy !req
1514. - I would never do that to...
- Joking.Copy !req
1515. - Yeah?
- Yeah.Copy !req
1516. Very... Okay, there he is.Copy !req
1517. - There he is. Okay.
- Go have fun.Copy !req
1518. All right. We're having a...Copy !req
1519. Fuck, okay. Thank you, Les.
Thank you. You have a good night...Copy !req
1520. But seriously,
a nutless monkey could do your job.Copy !req
1521. Good. Thank you, sir.Copy !req