Trading Places (1983)

1. Your breakfast, sir.

2. Pork bellies!

3. I have a hunch something very exciting

4. is going to happen in the pork belly market this morning.

5. Will Miss Penelope be dining with you this evening, sir?

6. Yes. Yes, she will.

7. - Good morning, Mr Winthorpe. - Good morning, Folsey.

8. - Good morning, Mr Winthorpe. - Good morning.

9. - Good morning, Mr Winthorpe. - Morning.

10. - Good morning, Mr Winthorpe. - Good morning.

11. Good morning, Mr Winthorpe.

12. - Good morning, Mr Winthorpe. - Morning.

13. - Good morning, Mr Winthorpe. - Morning, Mr Winthorpe.

14. Good morning.

15. - Good morning, Mr Winthorpe. - Good morning.

16. - Good morning, Mr Winthorpe. - Good morning.

17. Pork bellies. I knew it. I knew it.

18. - Good morning, Mr Duke. - Good morning, Mr Duke.

19. - Good morning, Mr Duke. - Good morning, Mr Duke.

20. - Good morning, Mr Duke. - Good morning, Mr Duke.

21. - Good morning, Mr Duke. - Good morning, Mr Duke.

22. - Good morning, Mr Duke. - Morning, Mr Duke.

23. Good morning, Mr Duke.

24. When do we sell?

25. I just cannot believe how stupid these scientists are.

26. The eternal question! There is no question. The answer's obvious.

27. I don't care about heredity versus environment.

28. In fact, I'm sick and tired of hearing it.

29. I care about how much money we get for our pork bellies.

30. Winthorpe put in a sell order for 76¼.

31. His charts say that's as high as it's gonna go.

32. It'll never get that high. Let's sell now.

33. Patience, Mortimer. Let's see if Winthorpe's right.

34. Winthorpe's wrong. It's topped out. I say we sell now.

35. Just another few seconds.

36. The market's closing. We won't get the order in.

37. We just made an extra $347,000.

38. Get me Winthorpe.

39. Well, of course I never had an instant of doubt in my mind, Mortimer.

40. Oh, yes, I'm sure a lot of people went belly-up on that one.

41. I'll see you at the club.

42. Good morning, Mr Duke.

43. Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas! Thank you very much.

44. Vietnam did this to me, but I'm not bitter. Thank you.

45. Merry Christmas! Happy Hanukkah? Yeah, how you doing?

46. Spare a war veteran some change?

47. - I'm on my knees for life. - I have no money to give you.

48. Please, anything.

49. A quarter, just a couple of dollars.

50. Anything, a quarter, a nickel, please.

51. Hey, man, I really don't appreciate this.

52. I don't care what it is, spiked ham, anything, some crackers.

53. Thanks a lot. How you like a stump up your ass?

54. - Stay outta here! - You got a lot of soul. I appreciate it.

55. Listen to this. "Expect this stagnation to continue,

56. until the Department of Agriculture's January crop report."

57. Exactly as we thought, Randolph.

58. Wrong! Quite wrong. Untrue.

59. They've given this genetics fellow the Nobel Prize.

60. A man that doesn't know the first thing about human nature.

61. Randolph.

62. We're about to make millions of dollars in frozen orange juice

63. and you're talking to me about human nature.

64. - Money isn't everything, Mortimer. - Oh, grow up.

65. Mother always said you were greedy.

66. She meant it as a compliment.

67. Ezra, right on time.

68. I bet you thought I'd forgotten your Christmas bonus.

69. There you are.

70. Five dollars. Maybe I'll go to the movies

71. by myself.

72. - Half of it is from me. - Thank you, Mr Mortimer.

73. - Gentlemen. - Looking good, Louis.

74. Feeling good, Todd.

75. We need a fourth for squash today, Louis. Are you interested?

76. No can do. I'll be having dinner with Penelope tonight.

77. - Oh, lucky you. - It's not luck. Todd.

78. Randolph, Mortimer.

79. Winthorpe, my boy, what have you got for us?

80. Well, it's that time of the month again.

81. Payroll checks for our employees, which require your signatures.

82. And no forgetting to sign the big ones.

83. We seem to be paying some of our employees an awful lot of money.

84. We can't get around the old minimum wage, Mortimer.

85. $50,000 to Clarence Beeks.

86. Who the hell is—?

87. I meant to ask you about that.

88. I went through personnel records thoroughly,

89. and there doesn't seem to be a Clarence Beeks employed with the firm.

90. Clarence Beeks. Oh, yes, of course.

91. - He's doing something top secret for us. - Research.

92. How is Penelope?

93. Never forget she's our grandniece. You better make an honest woman of her.

94. Well, I'll certainly try, sir. Actually, the wedding invitations go out this week.

95. Good. Good work, Winthorpe.

96. Don't worry about this, Winthorpe. I'll take care of this one personally.

97. - Goodbye, Winthorpe. - Goodbye, Winthorpe.

98. Winthorpe is a very steady young man.

99. We're lucky to have him managing our firm for us.

100. Oh, hogwash. Exeter, Harvard - he's the product of good environment.

101. It's got nothing to do with environment.

102. With his genes, you could put Winthorpe anywhere and he'd come out on top.

103. Breeding, Randolph, same as in race horses.

104. It's in the blood.

105. Hey, baby, what's happening? How you doing?

106. Once you have a man with no legs, you never go back, baby.

107. I know what you're thinking. You seen Porgy And Bess?

108. We can make it, baby. Me and you.

109. You bitch!

110. Who's that? Who's there? What you want?

111. Police.

112. We've had some complaints about con men pretending to be blind and crippled.

113. Love to help you, but I ain't seen nothing

114. since I stepped on that landmine in Viet Cong back in '72.

115. It was rough, very painful.

116. You were in 'Nam? So were we. Where?

117. I was in Sang Bang... Dang Gong...

118. I was all over that place basically. A lot of places.

119. What unit were you in?

120. I was with the Green Berets, Special Unit Battalions...

121. Commando Airborne Tactics... Specialist Tactics Unit Battalion.

122. Yeah, it was real hush-hush.

123. I was Agent Orange, that was my name. Special Agent Orange, that was me.

124. Airborne, huh?

125. I can see! I can see! I have... I have legs!

126. I have... Oh, shit, look at this. Man! I can walk! Jesus!

127. Praise Jesus!

128. I appreciate this. Oh, this is beautiful. I can't believe... Thank y'all.

129. I don't know what to do...

130. Glory be to God. Praise Jesus. Look at me.

131. This is too much. I can't believe it.

132. You're beautiful! Listen! I can't thank you.

133. First Moses, now this. God, Jesus... Oh, thank you.

134. I'm so happy, oh, God. Look at me, this is too much.

135. What a happy day! What a happy day!

136. Really, I appreciate it, y'all. It's OK now. All right, look!

137. I can walk. It's j— I don't know what to say. I'll be all right. Take it easy.

138. Y'all beautiful, both of y'all, the two of you.

139. How are you doing?

140. - Oh, I'm sorry about that, man. - Stop! Thief. Help, help!

141. - What you talking about, man? - Don't shoot. Take it.

142. - Please don't kill me. I'm getting married. - Hey, I don't want your bag, man.

143. Help! Help!

144. Help! Help!

145. Help!

146. He's in there. After him.

147. - Excuse me. - Watch out. He probably has a weapon.

148. There he is. Stop him. He has my briefcase.

149. Stop him, stop him.

150. He's inside. That boy's crazy!

151. Shit!

152. Get him. He's getting away.

153. There he is. That's him. Get him, get him.

154. He's under the ta— Somebody go under there. Somebody get down there.

155. - Right there, right there. There he is. - I got him.

156. Is there a problem, officers?

157. What in heaven's name is going on here?

158. He tried to rob the payroll. He attacked me in broad daylight.

159. I didn't do nothing, man. This guy bumped into me.

160. I did not. You knocked me down and tried to grab my briefcase.

161. - Yeah, but it was an accident, man. - An accident? Really?

162. - What's going to happen to this man? - We're gonna book him, on assault,

163. attempted robbery, and resisting arrest.

164. - Well done, Winthorpe. - Hey, man, I'm innocent.

165. This guy bumped into me. I was trying to give him his briefcase back to him.

166. I can't be going to jail 'cause some asswipe ain't watching where he's going.

167. Officer, I would like to press full charges.

168. People like this are a menace to decent society.

169. You're from a broken home, of course?

170. Yeah, we was broke. So what?

171. You have a history of juvenile arrests, I presume?

172. Drug abuse, reform school, state prisons and all that?

173. I ain't talking to this guy. I want a lawyer. Is there a lawyer in the house?

174. That man is a product of a poor environment.

175. There's absolutely nothing wrong with him. I can prove it.

176. Of course there's something wrong with him.

177. He's a Negro.

178. He's probably been stealing since he could crawl.

179. Given the right surroundings and encouragement,

180. I'll bet that that man could run our company as well as your young Winthorpe.

181. Are we talking about a wager, Randolph?

182. I suppose you think Winthorpe, say if he were to lose his job,

183. would resort to holding up people on the streets?

184. No, I don't think just losing his job would be enough for Winthorpe.

185. I think we'd have to heap a little more misfortune

186. on those narrow shoulders.

187. If he lost his job and his home and his fiancée and his friends.

188. If he were somehow disgraced and arrested by the police

189. and thrown in jail even...

190. Yes, I'm sure he'd take to crime like a fish to water.

191. You'd have to put him in the wrong surroundings, of course,

192. with the worst sort of people.

193. I mean real scum, Randolph.

194. We've done it before.

195. This time it's in a good cause. How much do you want to bet?

196. - The usual amount. - Why not?

197. You're so brave, Louis.

198. Someone has to take a stand against criminals like that.

199. But he could have killed you.

200. In such a situation, you have no time to think - instinct takes over.

201. It's either kill or be killed.

202. Did Louis tell you what he did today?

203. Mr Louis was kind enough

204. to share this afternoon's excitement with me, Miss Penelope.

205. You're so hot tempered, darling.

206. I would have groveled on the ground and begged for mercy.

207. I want you Louis, now.

208. - Coleman. - Sir?

209. I think we'll take our drinks in the living room, by the fire.

210. - No dessert, sir? - You have it.

211. Thank you, sir.

212. Hello.

213. Oh, hello, Mr Duke, sir. A what?

214. A scientific experiment.

215. Well, not at all, sir, no I... It all sounds very...

216. original.

217. Well, it's your house, sir, and I work for you.

218. I shall make the necessary arrangements.

219. And a very good night to you, sir.

220. What a scumbag.

221. Mumsie wants to have a party for us right after New Year's.

222. January 2nd, is that good for you?

223. OK with me, hon. Darn nice of her too.

224. Oh, heck. 2nd of January. Can't do it.

225. - Oh, Louis. - It's the day the crop reports come out.

226. What do those stupid old crop reports have to do with Mumsie's party?

227. It's the busiest time of the year in the office, sugarpuff.

228. It's just not fair. Why can't you make them do it another day?

229. Oh, no.

230. The Department of Agriculture gets those estimates from all over the country.

231. Pork bellies, soybeans,

232. frozen orange juice.

233. I suppose I'll just have to ask Todd to take me.

234. Now, wait just a minute. If you think I'm going to let that playboy...

235. Just teasing, Winthorpe.

236. - You know something, Witherspoon? - What?

237. We are going to make a great couple.

238. We're going to have a great life.

239. - Excuse me, sir. - What is it now, Coleman?

240. Will you be needing me any more, this evening, sir?

241. No, I think I have everything I want.

242. Good night, sir.

243. I had to keep him under surveillance, that's why I'm wearing these bummy clothes.

244. See, I had to make sure he had his payroll before I made my move.

245. - Tell us how you cut him. - I ain't cut him with no knife, man.

246. - You told me last night you cut the dude. - With these I cut him.

247. I am a chain belt in Kung Fu. Bruce Lee was my teacher.

248. Watch this.

249. That's the "quart of blood" technique.

250. You do that, a quart of blood will drop out a person's body.

251. - Tell how you beat on the cop. - It wasn't no cop, man.

252. It was cops, plural. Nine, ten cops.

253. Beat the shit out of ten cops and had to change my whole strategy.

254. Yo. When they brought you in here and booked you,

255. you was crying like a pussy.

256. - Yeah. - That's 'cause as one of the cops fell,

257. he threw tear gas in my face.

258. That's the kind of shit they use on crowds.

259. And I still walked in here like a man, so get outta my face.

260. I mean, you beating up on a man, you putting a man in the hospital.

261. - How come I don't see no marks on you? - Yeah.

262. 'Cause I'm a karate man, all right?

263. Karate men bruise on the inside. They don't show their weaknesses.

264. You don't know that 'cause you a Barry White-looking motherfucker.

265. Now get off my back, all right?

266. I wish my bitches hurry up and get here. I ain't got time to be sitting inside this cell.

267. Where is your bitches, Mr Big Time Pimp?

268. Yeah.

269. Didn't I tell you that the phone in my limousine is busted

270. and I can't get in contact with my bitches?

271. Yeah, the phone in the limo is busted. What are you, ignorant?

272. - Hey, look, sit down, all right? - It ain't cool being no jive turkey,

273. so close to Thanksgiving.

274. Hey, now...

275. You don't know what you're doing, I can see that.

276. Do you know who you're fucking with? Do you know who you're fucking with?

277. Back the fuck up, back up.

278. Do you know who you're fucking with in cell number four on the ninth floor?

279. - Billy Ray Valentine? - Yes.

280. Move it.

281. You made bail.

282. I did?

283. Come on.

284. - Come on. - Why are you pulling?

285. What do you think, you're crazy?

286. You don't know who you're messing with, boy. Just stay still.

287. - May I suggest using a night stick, officer? - Get outta here.

288. Mr Valentine.

289. Could you spare us a moment?

290. - Hey, man, don't I know you two guys? - Step inside, nice and warm in here.

291. Whiskey, all you want.

292. Hey, look, man, I ain't falling for the same trick twice.

293. What, you get me in the car and have me arrested for stealing it?

294. Why should we do that, Mr Valentine? We're the ones who bailed you out.

295. - Who are y'all? What y'all want with me? - We want to help you, Mr Valentine.

296. My brother and I run a privately funded program,

297. to rehabilitate culturally disadvantaged people.

298. We'd like to supply you with a home of your own, a car,

299. a generous bank account, and employment with our company.

300. We're going to start you at $80,000 a year.

301. $80,000?

302. Excuse me.

303. This is a practical joke, right, brother?

304. Then these dudes a couple of faggots then, huh?

305. Well, what's my next move, man?

306. Thank you, you've been helpful.

307. - What about the police and the payroll? - We've had the charges dropped.

308. You're a free man, Valentine.

309. We can stop right now and you can walk out on us forever.

310. No. No, I believe I can hang out with you fellas for a little while.

311. Excellent. I'm Randolph Duke.

312. How you doing, Randy? What's happening?

313. - My younger brother, Mortimer. - Hey, Morty! What it is.

314. Billy Ray Valentine, Capricorn.

315. Randy. That's like Randy Jackson from the Jackson Five, right?

316. - Yes. Yes, I suppose so. - Yeah.

317. Here we are, William.

318. How you doing?

319. Hey, Randy, Morty. This is nice, I like this.

320. - William... - Billy Ray.

321. William, this is Coleman. He'll look after your day-to-day needs.

322. Can I relieve you of those, sir?

323. You get a glass, I'll give you a sip, man.

324. - Perhaps your coat, sir? - Yes, this is my coat.

325. Coleman is here to take care of you. He is your servant.

326. - May I take it? - Get out of here, man.

327. Valentine very badly wants to take a hot bath and get into something comfortable.

328. Don't you, Valentine?

329. Jacuzzi, sir?

330. See, man, I knew y'all was faggots. You ain't Jacuzzying nobody.

331. It's a whirlpool bath, sir. I think you'll enjoy it.

332. Hey. Bubbles, man!

333. Say, man, when I was growing up, we want a Jacuzzi, we had to fart in the tub!

334. This is bad.

335. When you think of love Do your heart beat fast?

336. Come on.

337. When you think of love

338. - What's he doing in there? - He's singing, sir.

339. They're very musical people, aren't they?

340. - What shall I do with his clothes, sir? - Send them to the laundry.

341. He'll have to have something to wear back to the ghetto, after I've won our bet.

342. - Well, William, what do you think? - I like it, Randy. It's very nice.

343. I like the way you got the mirrors and stuff.

344. That's very pretty. I like that.

345. - I don't think he understands, Randolph. - Oh, but Morty, I do understand.

346. - William, this is your home. - Yes.

347. - Right. - It belongs to you.

348. All this is mine. I like my home. It's very nice.

349. - I have very nice taste in houses. - Everything you see in this room is yours.

350. - This is my stuff. - Your own personal property.

351. - My own personal shit. - You understand?

352. This is mine. Yeah, I like that.

353. You know what I like most about my place? The curtains.

354. Look at them. It's beautiful the way I got this place set up.

355. This is something else. I like it. The cabinets and whatnot.

356. Beautiful. I suppose you're gonna just give me this TV set for free?

357. - That's right. - Everything in here's mine?

358. - I guess the stereo is mine free too? - Absolutely.

359. This is too much for me. I could really dig this, Randy. You know why?

360. This kind of thing happens to me every week.

361. This is your house.

362. These are your personal possessions.

363. You will only be stealing from yourself.

364. Look, first you throw my ass in jail, right?

365. Then you gonna drive me here, run some garbage about this is my house,

366. this is my personal rug and then you gonna tell me this is my personal slave too.

367. I understand how you feel, William, but the fact remains, all this is yours.

368. You may do with it whatever you wish.

369. This is my stuff and my place, huh? I can do what I want with this stuff, right?

370. This is my vase here, right? This is Billy Ray's vase, right?

371. I own this vase and I can play Harlem Globetrotters shit with it.

372. Okay, you want Meadow Lemon shit, right?

373. - Hey, man, I'm sorry about that. - Perfectly all right, it was your vase.

374. That was a cheap vase. Man, that was a fake, right?

375. I think we paid $35,000 for it.

376. But I seem to remember we estimated its value at $50,000 for the insurance.

377. You see, Mortimer? William has already made us a profit of $15,000.

378. Want me to break something else?

379. No.

380. Excuse me.

381. I just hope we're not pushing our luck, using Mr Beeks for this and the crop report.

382. We are involved in a very important scientific experiment, Mortimer,

383. and Mr Beeks has always proven reliable.

384. Excuse me. Sorry.

385. Hello, Todd. Gents.

386. Gentlemen. There is something rotten in the Heritage Club.

387. Something that has never raised its vile head

388. in the 208 years of the club's history.

389. There is a thief, and he's sitting here among us.

390. Not an ordinary thief like the man Winthorpe had the guts to stand up to.

391. No, this man is a hundred times lower.

392. I'd like to introduce Mr Beeks of Lyndhurst Security.

393. Thank you. I'd like to ask you gentlemen to all stand up.

394. I'd like to ask you to place your left hand on the shoulder

395. of the man to your left.

396. I would now ask you to place your right hand

397. in the coat pocket of the member to your right.

398. And empty the contents of those pockets onto the table.

399. Thank you.

400. You may sit.

401. We marked three $50 bills with red Xs.

402. Less than ten minutes ago

403. those bills were stolen from a coat in the cloakroom.

404. One of our operatives witnessed the theft.

405. Now, wait a minute. I've never seen this money before in my life.

406. Randolph, Mortimer, this is outrageous.

407. What are you doing? I haven't done anything wrong.

408. Oh, Winthorpe. I'm glad your parents are not alive to see this.

409. What? What? Now, wait, this is totally preposterous. This is insane.

410. I have no reason to steal. Now, wait, I'm not a thief.

411. I demand a fair hearing. You can at least grant me that.

412. Someone planted that stuff on me.

413. You realize you're making a grave mistake.

414. Boy, are you two going to be sorry. Do you know who I am?

415. Yeah, Winthorpe Louis III.

416. I know, I know. I'm permitted two phone calls. Point me to the phone.

417. - Take off your clothes. - Now, wait a minute. I know my rights.

418. Take off your clothes.

419. You are making a career decision here. Now, you'd better think about it

420. because it's something you're going to have to live with for the rest of your life.

421. Strip, you little shit, before I tear you a new asshole.

422. Did you hear what this man said to me?

423. Now, I have witnesses. This man is physically threatening me.

424. Winthorpe. Louis III.

425. All right.

426. One gold watch.

427. One alligator skin wallet.

428. Master Charge, American Express... Gold Card.

429. Visa, Diner's Club, Carte Blanche.

430. Two tickets...

431. - La Bo-heem. - La Bohème. It's an opera.

432. It's an opera.

433. - One cellophane bag. - That's not mine.

434. I've never seen that before in my life.

435. That's PCP - phencyclidine. Angel dust.

436. You ever seen what this stuff does to kids?

437. You're looking at three to five, mandatory... Louis.

438. What's happening, Terry? Gimme a bottle of your best champagne.

439. You got a lot of nerve showing your face around here after all this time.

440. Look, man, I got your money.

441. I got your poor... measly... $27...

442. with interest.

443. Billy Ray, honey. Is that you?

444. Who you think it is? Terence, give the lady some champagne.

445. In fact, champagne for everybody, courtesy of Billy Ray Valentine.

446. All right!

447. Billy!

448. - A toast to Billy Ray, huh? - A toast to Billy Ray.

449. Well, I'm a sexy man. I'm very sexy.

450. People will come and say, "Billy Ray, you're so sexy,"

451. - and not understand my sexuality. - I know.

452. And I'm a very sexy m—

453. You was in the tank last night, braggin' on your limousine.

454. You're the motherfucker I was gonna carve.

455. Yeah.

456. Motherfucker?

457. That just happens to be my limousine outside. Why don't you go take a look at it?

458. Right outside?

459. Yeah.

460. - You took care of him, baby. - I was gonna kick his ass.

461. I should've kicked it, but I'm a peaceful man.

462. Look, ladies, it's about time for me to get home,

463. but if any of you ladies want to drop by my house for cocktails,

464. - there's plenty of room in my limousine. - Limousine.

465. Come on, everybody.

466. - You're looking so fine, Billy Ray. - Thank you very much.

467. Hey, yo, coz. You gonna vomit, the bathroom's downstairs.

468. No, it's downstairs, man!

469. Shit!

470. Hey! Hey! Hey!

471. That's a Persian rug from Persia. It's from Persia.

472. Hey. Hey. Hey, what is this? What is this shit here?

473. Hold up! Hey, who's been putting out their Kools on my floor?

474. Who has been putting out their Kools on my floor?

475. Hey! Hey! Hey! Have you people ever heard of coasters?

476. Would you like me to prepare some more hors d'oeuvres for the guests, sir?

477. Fuck them.

478. Hey, Coleman. There was more people here before, where'd they go?

479. I believe some of them have adjourned upstairs, sir.

480. To my bedroom?

481. I've been waiting for you, Billy Ray.

482. Put your clothes on and get out of here.

483. Yeah, that's my girl, right over there.

484. Can I have everybody's attention please?

485. Hey. Can I have everybody's attention please?

486. - Hey. - Hey, man.

487. Get the fuck out!

488. Good night, madam.

489. Good night, sir.

490. Good night, madam. I hope you enjoyed it.

491. Thank you.

492. It was a stone groove, my man. You are the most righteous...

493. Yeah, right. Just get the fuck out, man. Let's go. Shit. Come on.

494. Hurry up.

495. And be quiet out there. My neighbors are asleep, they work too.

496. Your friends seemed to enjoy themselves, sir. I thought it was a great success.

497. They wasn't no friends of mine, Coleman.

498. It was a bunch of freeloaders, treating my house like it was a goddamn zoo.

499. Why don't you retire, sir? And I'll straighten up.

500. You've got a big day ahead of you tomorrow.

501. Yeah, yeah, I think I will...

502. retire.

503. Good night, Coleman. Thanks, man.

504. Good night, sir.

505. Let's go, Winthorpe.

506. - Excuse me. - I'll see you later, we'll have lunch.

507. How would you like to make a fast hundred?

508. I just got out.

509. Come on, what are you trying to do, entrap me here in the police department?

510. - You guys must be getting desperate. - No, no, no, this is for...

511. - Is that your purse? - Yes.

512. That's a nice purse.

513. Thank you.

514. Darling, I'm so glad to see you.

515. Louis, you're making a scene.

516. The good news is I'm innocent. I've never even done

517. anything vaguely resembling this. Really, it's the truth.

518. Louis, you look awful. I'm so ashamed.

519. Those clothes and those shoes and...

520. And you've been fighting and you smell.

521. I smell?

522. Penelope, do you realize where I've been since yesterday?

523. They beat me up and stole my clothes.

524. Those men wanted to have sex with me!

525. - Can we discuss this somewhere else? - One of them tried to bend me over this...

526. If this place is indicative of the state of correctional institutions in this country,

527. they might as well let all the convicts out. It's far worse on the inside.

528. Stealing from your friends at the club, Louis?

529. Heroin, Louis? Have you lost your mind?

530. Mother wants me to call off the wedding and so does Todd.

531. Todd? What does Todd have to do with it?

532. You've been fired from Duke & Duke. They're charging you with embezzlement.

533. Embezzlement? I've never stolen anything in my life.

534. How could the man I loved, whose children I wanted to have and breast-feed,

535. be a heroin dealer?

536. It wasn't heroin, it was angel dust, PCP and—

537. Listen, Penelope, I swear to you, on my honor,

538. with almighty God as my witness, I am not an angel dust dealer.

539. Oh, Louis.

540. I've been looking everywhere for you, baby. Listen, Louis.

541. - Would you please...? - I'm hurting, baby. I just need a shot.

542. Louis.

543. - Who is this person? - I've never seen this woman before.

544. Don't say that, Louis.

545. Come on baby, just a dime bag. I'll do all those things you like.

546. Shame!

547. You lying... filthy... disgusting... creep.

548. Todd was right about you.

549. I never want to see you again as long as I live!

550. Grand! Great! Thanks a lot.

551. It was a joke.

552. Your friend said it would get you off.

553. - Someone told you to do this to me? - Yeah, and he paid me $100 too.

554. He's right over there.

555. So let me get this straight. I'm gonna give you 20 for the cab,

556. and you're gonna give me 50 when we get to your house?

557. That is correct, my butler Coleman will give you $50,

558. and drive you anywhere in the city you wish to go.

559. You don't exactly look like the type that has a butler.

560. You know, if you're hustling me...

561. Hustling you? Hustling you?

562. You don't think they give these to just anyone, do you?

563. I can charge goods and services in over 86 countries around the world.

564. Yeah? Well I don't take credit cards.

565. You'll see what a mistake all this was.

566. Yes?

567. Coleman. Could you please let me in? I'm having trouble with my key.

568. Who are you? What do you want?

569. Coleman, just unchain the door and let me in. I'm in no mood for jokes.

570. Coleman? There's no Coleman here. You've made a mistake.

571. Excuse me, for a moment.

572. Coleman! Let me in!

573. If you don't go away, I shall be forced to call the police.

574. Hello. I'll be making a cash withdrawal in the amount of $500.

575. Well, in fact, we'll make it $1,000.

576. Excuse me.

577. I'm sorry, Mr Winthorpe, but the IRS has frozen your accounts.

578. What are you talking about? You know me.

579. You're a heroin dealer, Mr Winthorpe.

580. It wasn't heroin, it was angel dust, PCP, and I never even had my hands on it.

581. Regardless, it's not the kind of business we want here at First National.

582. May I see your credit cards please?

583. - I've been ordered to repossess them. - What?

584. Now wait a minute, what am I supposed to live on?

585. I mean, what's going to happen to me?

586. Roger.

587. Why is someone deliberately trying to ruin my life?

588. Tell you what. Forget about the $50, OK?

589. I'm just real tired. I'm going home.

590. You've got to believe me. You must believe me.

591. I have been framed. You can't just leave me here.

592. I got enough problems, Louis.

593. Come on, come on.

594. Listen! Wait! Wait!

595. I have over $150,000 in that bank.

596. But you don't care because you helped them do this to me.

597. Get off your knees, Louis.

598. Give me your hand.

599. Soft hands.

600. And a manicure. You never done a hard day's work in your life, have you?

601. I'm gonna regret this, but... come on.

602. Get in.

603. I'm going to get to the bottom of this. There's been a grave, grave mistake.

604. Hey, that look just like the dude that had me busted.

605. Sir?

606. Right there, he look just like the motherf—

607. I mean, he looks just like the gentleman that had me busted.

608. - To whom are you referring, sir? - Right there! The dude right over there.

609. A big mistake. I'm gonna find...

610. - Right over there. - That's my car. Coleman!

611. Coleman, that's my car!

612. That's my car! That's my driver!

613. There's some strange shit going on here, Coleman.

614. You don't want to be late for your first day at work, sir.

615. Man, what am I supposed to do in here? What they want from me?

616. I'm sure they'll tell you, sir.

617. - Yeah, what if I can't do it? - Just be yourself, sir.

618. Whatever happens, they can't take that away from you.

619. - Excuse me, my name is— - Yes, Mr Valentine.

620. They're waiting for you in the last office down the hall.

621. William, my boy. Right on time.

622. Come in, come in.

623. Sit down.

624. No thanks, guys. I already had breakfast this morning.

625. This is not a meal, Valentine.

626. We are here to try to explain to you what it is we do here.

627. We are commodities brokers, William.

628. Now, what are commodities?

629. Commodities are agricultural products.

630. Like coffee, that you had for breakfast.

631. Wheat, which is used to make bread.

632. Pork bellies, which is used to make bacon,

633. which you might find in a bacon, and lettuce and tomato sandwich.

634. Then there are other commodities like frozen orange juice and gold.

635. Though, of course, gold doesn't grow on trees like oranges.

636. - Clear so far? - Yeah.

637. Good, William. Now, some of our clients are speculating

638. that the price of gold will rise in the future.

639. And we have other clients who are speculating

640. that the price of gold is going to fall.

641. They've placed their orders with us,

642. and we buy or sell their gold for them.

643. Tell him the good part.

644. The good part, William, is,

645. that no matter whether our clients make money or lose money,

646. Duke & Duke get the commissions.

647. Well, what do you think, Valentine?

648. Well, it sounds to me like you guys are a couple of bookies.

649. I told you he'd understand.

650. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened.

651. It's the same guy who tried to rob the payroll.

652. No doubt about it, that's him.

653. He planted the drugs on me.

654. Rachim, Mohammed, Larry. How you guys doing?

655. - Hey, how you doing? - Hey.

656. You know those people?

657. He was wearing my Harvard tie.

658. Can you believe it? My Harvard tie. Like, oh sure, he went to Harvard.

659. I mean, if he's being driven around in my car,

660. he could actually be living in my house.

661. Maybe he's even taken my job. You know,

662. for all I know, right at this moment, he could be fondling my fiancée.

663. And Coleman. After years of service, this betrayal.

664. I don't understand it.

665. But there's going to be retribution. Oh, he's going to pay.

666. - The things that I am going— - Shut up, Louis.

667. Listen, taxis cost money, food costs money and rent costs money.

668. Now, you want me to help you out, I expect a lot in return.

669. These were here when I moved in. Put 'em on if you want.

670. Look, I cannot begin to tell you how much I appreciate this...

671. - Ophelia. - Ophelia, you realize that's the name—

672. I know, I know, I know. Hamlet's girlfriend. He went crazy, she killed herself.

673. This is not Shakespeare, Louis.

674. Look, I'm 24. I'm from a small, miserable mining town you probably never heard of.

675. The only thing I got going for me in this whole big wide world is this body,

676. this face, and what I got up here.

677. I don't do drugs. I don't have a pimp.

678. This place is a dump, but it's cheap, it's clean and it's all mine.

679. I've saved 42 grand and it's in T-Bills earning interest.

680. I figure I got three more years on my back, I'll have enough to retire on.

681. You're a prostitute?

682. I'm talking about a business proposition, Louis.

683. I help you get yourself back on your feet and you pay me, in cash, five figures.

684. That's the deal and it's not subject to negotiation.

685. Understood?

686. By the way, food and rent are not the only things around here that cost money.

687. You sleep on the couch.

688. It's hit rock bottom. Come on, let's buy.

689. Mortimer Duke here. Buy 200 May belly contracts at 66.8.

690. - Put it on my personal account. - That's a big mistake, man.

691. Valentine, something very important is going on here. Just watch.

692. All right, but y'all gonna get reamed on this one.

693. - Well, why shouldn't we buy now? - Price is going to keep going down.

694. Randolph, this isn't Monopoly money we're playing with.

695. This is Randolph Duke. Hold that belly order a moment.

696. Tell me just why you think the price of pork bellies is going down, William.

697. - It's Christmas time. Everybody's uptight. - Could we please buy now, Randolph?

698. - If you want to lose money, go ahead. - What are you trying to say, William?

699. OK, pork belly prices have been dropping all morning.

700. Which means everybody's sitting, waiting for them to hit rock bottom

701. so they can buy cheap and go long.

702. The people that own pork belly contracts are going bat-shit, they're thinking,

703. "Hey, we're losing all our damn money. And Christmas is around the corner.

704. And I ain't gonna have no money to buy my son the GI Joe with the kung fu grip.

705. And my wife ain't gonna wanna f—

706. My wife won't make love to me 'cause I ain't got no money."

707. So they sitting there and they panicking, screaming, "Sell, sell."

708. They don't want to lose all their money.

709. They out there panicking right now, I can feel it. They out there.

710. They're panicking. Look at them.

711. He's right, Mortimer. My God, look at it.

712. I'd wait till you get to about 64, then I'd buy.

713. You'll have cleared out all the suckers by then.

714. Do you realize how much money he just saved us?

715. Money isn't everything, Randolph.

716. Advise our clients interested in bellies to buy at 64.

717. Mr Valentine has set the price.

718. Well done, William. Very well done.

719. Come on, Randolph, we're gonna be late.

720. Yo! Mortimer dropped his money clip.

721. - You can count it, it's all there. All of it. - Thank you, William.

722. - It's all there, man. Count it. - I'm sure it is, William. Thank you.

723. And keep up the good work.

724. All right, Randy. All right.

725. Nice try, Mortimer.

726. Zeta Kai

727. Zeta Kai, my friend

728. Neath the elms we sing our tomes

729. We're brothers to the end

730. Muffy in the bathroom stall Margaret by the lake

731. Susan down in Whixley Hall Constance on the make

732. Constance Fry, Constance Fry

733. Anytime you'd call

734. Constance would fulfill your needs

735. Winter, spring or fall

736. What do you think, huh?

737. That was great, that was really great.

738. —and she stepped on the ball.

739. Oh, my God, I don't believe it.

740. - There you are. - I think I'm going to be sick.

741. Don't worry, I'll handle this, pookums.

742. Todd, Harry, Andrew, Philip.

743. I realize this looks completely awful, but I just wanted to assure you,

744. my friends, that I am completely innocent.

745. I'm going to fight this thing till the end. Someone is out to get me and I know who.

746. The important thing is that I can rely on you, my friends,

747. as character witnesses.

748. I'm going to be defending myself,

749. and well, I wondered if you could see your way clear

750. to perhaps advance me a small loan until the hearing.

751. Frankly, Winthorpe, and I think I speak for all of us,

752. I think it shows incredibly bad taste for you to embarrass us all like this.

753. I believe I'm still a member of this club.

754. Nobody wants to buy your drugs here, Louis. Why don't you just go away?

755. Burnt my fingers, man.

756. I beg your pardon.

757. Man, that watch is so hot, it's smokin'.

758. Hot? Do you mean to imply, stolen?

759. - I'll give you 50 bucks for it. - 50 bucks!

760. No, no, no, this is a Rochefoucauld, the world's thinnest water-resistant watch.

761. Singularly unique, sculptured in design,

762. hand crafted in Switzerland and water-resistant to three atmospheres.

763. This is the sports watch of the '80s. $6,955 retail.

764. You got a receipt?

765. It tells time simultaneously in Monte Carlo, Beverly Hills,

766. London, Paris, Rome and Gstaad.

767. In Philadelphia it's worth 50 bucks.

768. Just give me the money.

769. How much for the gun?

770. So, this snail is standing in front of the Cadillac salesman, see,

771. and he looks up at the salesman and he says, "How much is that Cadillac?"

772. The snail said, "I want a big S put on each door, a big S.

773. And on top of the car, I want another big S, so everybody can see it."

774. The salesman says, "What do you want that for?"

775. He says, "Well, you see, when I drive down the avenue, I want everybody to say,

776. 'Look at that S-car go.'"

777. "Look at that S-car go."

778. I'm considering going long on April wheat. What do you think, Valentine?

779. I can think of three real good reasons why you shouldn't do something like that.

780. One, the Russian wheat harvest won't be as bad as everybody thinks. And two...

781. And three, judging by all these jewels around your girlfriend's neck here,

782. I think you're going to need every penny you got just to keep her happy.

783. 103. That's it, you're staying in bed.

784. The man has moved into my house, he's stolen my job, I have to do something.

785. Stay here.

786. It's ten o'clock - here's Johnny.

787. Listen, baby, I'm sorry. My momma just came in from outta town.

788. Can we do it next week?

789. Flowers for me?

790. Thanks.

791. - What are you doing? - You've got company.

792. Business is business. I'll go for a walk.

793. - The fresh air will do me good. - Lay down.

794. I'm sorry you had to cancel your appointment.

795. What are you doing?

796. Ophelia, I can't tell you how good that feels.

797. You've been so kind to me.

798. I'm just protecting my investment. That's all.

799. Shut up and go to sleep.

800. 99 and a half. You're not getting out of bed, though, until it's normal.

801. I feel fine and I've inconvenienced you enough.

802. You have work to do and so do I.

803. Nobody works on Christmas Eve.

804. I'm gonna go shopping. And then I'll come back and make you a nice dinner.

805. Now, read your paper.

806. Christmas, huh?

807. I'll give him a Christmas present he'll never forget!

808. William, where have you been? The party's already begun.

809. I have some work to finish, Mr Duke.

810. It's Christmas Eve and William wants to keep working, Mortimer.

811. I'll think of you in Stockholm when I accept the Nobel Prize.

812. The wager has two parts as I recall.

813. Something about a second party turning to crime.

814. Didn't you say you had some work to do, Valentine?

815. Yes, sir. I was wondering about this $10,000 check to Mr Clarence Beeks.

816. I'll take care of it, Valentine.

817. I don't seem to recall any Clarence Beeks working for the firm, Mr Duke.

818. It was before you joined us, Valentine.

819. We did manage to stay in business for 47 years before your arrival.

820. Have a drink, William. Merry Christmas.

821. - Merry Christmas, Mr Duke. - What?

822. - Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

823. Ho, ho, ho!

824. Just what do you think you're doing?

825. Randolph, Mortimer, come in here quickly, I've finally caught him.

826. - Who are you? - I've caught him red-handed.

827. Winthorpe, is that you?

828. I'm making a citizen's arrest. This man is a drug dealer.

829. Look, look, here in his office drawer, he's got all the bad drugs here.

830. Marijuana joints, pills, Quaaludes,

831. Valium, yellow ones, red ones, cocaine grinder, drug needles.

832. He's the pusher, not me.

833. I just came in and caught this man planting this stuff in my desk.

834. It's obviously some primitive attempt to try to frame me.

835. Frame you? Boy, if that isn't the pot calling the kettle black.

836. This man's obviously a lunatic. I'm calling security.

837. Put that phone down.

838. Hello, security... Merry Christmas.

839. You tried to rob me, plant drugs on me.

840. You steal my house, my car, my job. You know, I ought to kill him right now.

841. Hey, look, man, this is a big misunderstanding.

842. I don't know nothing about your house, car and job.

843. Could you put the gun away? Ask the Dukes.

844. Put that gun away at once, Winthorpe. Have you lost your mind?

845. Freeze, slimeball.

846. I realize this whole experience must have been rather unsettling for you.

847. Winthorpe, don't leave. We can explain.

848. Yeah, you'll be sorry.

849. You'll all be very, very sorry.

850. Poor, deluded creature. We caught him pilfering at our club,

851. embezzling funds, selling drugs.

852. Now he's dressing up like Santa Claus.

853. A very sordid business.

854. I can't believe Winthorpe would fall to pieces like that.

855. That guy belongs behind bars.

856. - He's unemployed, Valentine. - It's no excuse, Mortimer.

857. He's flat broke, obviously hungry.

858. Oh, but he has money to buy drugs, right?

859. Listen, you can't be soft on people like that. Take it from me, I know.

860. Pay up, Mortimer, I've won the bet.

861. Here, one dollar.

862. We took a perfectly useless psychopath like Valentine,

863. and turned him into a successful executive.

864. And during the same time,

865. we turned an honest, hard-working man

866. into a violently deranged, would-be killer.

867. Now, what are we going to do about taking Winthorpe back

868. and returning Valentine to the ghetto?

869. I don't want Winthorpe back after what he's done.

870. You mean keep Valentine on as Managing Director?

871. Do you really believe I would have a nigger run our family business?

872. Of course not. Neither would I.

873. I do think we should hold off on switching them back, though,

874. until we get that crop report, New Year's Eve. Don't you?

875. Absolutely, no sense rocking the boat until then.

876. If Mr Beeks does what we paid him to do,

877. we should have a very happy New Year.

878. Indeed.

879. Hey, Winthorpe! Winthorpe!

880. Hey!

881. Hey, Winthorpe. Hey, yo, Winthorpe!

882. Winthorpe. Yo!

883. Sorry about that.

884. Yo! Yo!

885. Hey, taxi!

886. Hi, Louis. Merry Christmas.

887. Louis. Louis, when you get out I have a big surprise for you.

888. Excuse me. The door was open.

889. I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm looking for a Louis Winthorpe.

890. - Does he live here? - Wait here a minute, I'll be right back.

891. Louis, Louis. It's him. It's Valentine.

892. Louis... Louis?

893. Louis.

894. It was close, but he's going to be all right.

895. Now, make sure he gets plenty of rest. And for God's sake, no excitement.

896. - Thanks, doc. Merry Christmas. - Not at all.

897. Merry Christmas to you. I'll let myself out, Coleman.

898. - Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas.

899. It was a dream. I dreamt the whole thing.

900. It was just a bad dream.

901. Good morning, sir. Merry Christmas.

902. Coleman, I've had the most absurd nightmare.

903. I was poor and no one liked me. I lost my job, I lost my house.

904. Penelope hated me.

905. It was all because of this terrible, awful Negro.

906. - Oh, dear! - It was the Dukes. It was the Dukes.

907. - You're a dead man, Valentine! - Don't do it.

908. It was an experiment. They used us as guinea pigs, man.

909. The Dukes used us as guinea pigs.

910. To see how our lives would turn out. They made a bet.

911. - I'm afraid it's true, sir. - I believe him, Louis.

912. The Dukes ruined my life over a bet?

913. For how much?

914. A dollar.

915. One dollar.

916. Fine, that's the way they want it.

917. No problem.

918. You can't just go around and shoot people with a double-barreled shotgun

919. 'cause you're pissed at them.

920. Why not?

921. It's called assault with a deadly weapon. You get 20 years for that shit.

922. Listen, do you have any better ideas?

923. Yeah, you know, it occurs to me that the best way you hurt rich people

924. is by turning 'em into poor people.

925. You have to admit, sir, you didn't like it yourself a bit.

926. And now for the news.

927. Under heavy security, the crop estimates for next year's orange crop

928. are being delivered from Miami

929. to the Department of Agriculture in Washington DC.

930. Louis. Louis, that's him, the guy who paid me to talk dirty to you.

931. In charge of security is Mr Clarence Beeks, head of Lyndhurst Security.

932. - Clarence Beeks? - Clarence Beeks?

933. The Dukes just gave that guy 10 grand.

934. Ten grand? I saw an outlay in the payroll to him for 50,000.

935. Mortimer said it was for research.

936. Research, so he can get his hands

937. on that top secret crop report two days before it goes public.

938. My God, the Dukes are going to corner the entire frozen orange juice market.

939. - Unless somebody stops them. - Or beats them to it.

940. Eggnog?

941. Duke & Duke, may I ask who's calling?

942. Duke & Duke, I'm afraid he's busy. Can you hold, please?

943. May I help you? Just a moment, Mr Beeks, I'll put you right through.

944. Operation Strange Fruit proceeding according to plan.

945. I anticipate penetration and acquisition at 21:00 tomorrow. Hold on.

946. Fuck off.

947. - When can we expect delivery? - I will be leaving DC by train.

948. Will rendezvous at 24:00.

949. The Hilton Hotel, parking level D, section 4.

950. - That's the orange section. - Orange, I like that. Very good.

951. The final payment is due on delivery, in cash.

952. - Hey, man. - Jesus, hey!

953. Happy New Year!

954. - Ever make it with an ape? - Haven't you had enough drink?

955. Are you kidding? It's not even New Year's Eve.

956. Come on, kiss this beautiful ape.

957. Come on, give me a little. Come on, just a little.

958. Harrisburg Express.

959. Stairway C...

960. - What? - It's my turn to drive.

961. - No, it isn't. - Yes, it is.

962. - Well, I'm sure you think it is, but it isn't. - No, don't you remember?

963. This morning you drove the shipment of anchovy paste.

964. Yeah, I drove the anchovy paste,

965. but you had the video tape recorders this afternoon.

966. Well, I just backed them up about five feet.

967. We have to take turns.

968. Sometimes it's longer, sometimes it's shorter. It's my turn now.

969. - No, it isn't. No. - Yes, it is.

970. - Merry New Year. - Happy New Year.

971. In this country, we say, "Happy New Year."

972. Thank you for correcting my English, which stinks.

973. I am Naga Eboko, exchange student from Cameroon.

974. Beef jerky time.

975. - You want some beef jerky? - No, please.

976. There's plenty, you know.

977. This animal's being routed through to New York.

978. Its care and feeding instructions are on this bill of lading.

979. OK, gotcha.

980. I doubt you'll have any problems,

981. but if you do, there's a tranquillizer gun in the first aid kit.

982. Oh, yeah?

983. Say, have you guys been drinking?

984. - No, sir. Not us. - Enough drunks on this train already.

985. Happy New Year.

986. That's kind of you, son. And a Happy New Year to you, too.

987. Could I offer either of you two gentlemen a wee jolt of Irish whiskey,

988. to usher in the New Year?

989. Not for me, pal.

990. I do not drink. It is against my religion.

991. I always say, "Religion's a fine thing, taken in moderation."

992. - Beef jerky? - No, son. Thank you very much.

993. No, it gives me the winds something terrible.

994. We are moving! We are moving!

995. New York, here we come!

996. Come in, my child, join the party.

997. Let me see, now you would be from Austria. Am I right?

998. - No, I am Inga from Sweden. - Sweden?

999. But you're wearing lederhosen.

1000. Ja, for sure, from Sweden.

1001. Please, to help me with my rucksack.

1002. Oh, yeah, sure, why not?

1003. Hey, I'm hungry, man. I have got to get something more to eat.

1004. Well, maybe there's some pretzels in the bar car.

1005. Welcome.

1006. - Who is that? - Open the door, man.

1007. I'm dressed as a baggage handler.

1008. You can imagine how embarrassed I was when I saw

1009. there was someone at the party with the same costume I had.

1010. Monkey, monkey? I'm a fucking gorilla, you clown!

1011. Irie, irie, irie. I certainly hope there's enough space on the train for me.

1012. Naga, Naga Eboko, from Cameroon.

1013. Do you remember me? It's Lionel Joseph.

1014. Lionel, from the African Education Conference, right?

1015. Yes. I was Director of Cultural Events at the Haile Selassie Pavilion.

1016. I remember the pavilion. We had big fun there.

1017. Now that we are all here, we will have a picnic, ja?

1018. You will help me get my rucksack down for the Swedish meatballs?

1019. - Remember the one we did? - Yeah.

1020. - The memories. - All day long I could tell those stories.

1021. - Those were good ones. - The good old days.

1022. There you are, sweet pea.

1023. So, the train will be pulling into Philadelphia soon.

1024. Will you be getting off at the city of brotherly love, Mr Beeks?

1025. Yeah, I will, but you won't...

1026. Winthorpe.

1027. - See if this one's empty. - Hey, back off.

1028. I'll rip out your eyes and piss on your brain.

1029. - Excuse me. - You got it.

1030. All right. On your feet. Up, let's go.

1031. Bunch of fucking weirdos! We're going to take a little walk.

1032. And don't try anything funny or the whore loses a kidney. Let's go.

1033. - No, I'm from Sweden. - Hey, beat it.

1034. Hey, I'm King Kong. I'm the biggest, baddest boy in the jungle.

1035. Get lost, you maggot.

1036. Hey, who is that guy, your father or something?

1037. All right, hold it right here.

1038. - Oh, honestly, Beeks. - This is as far as we go.

1039. No more cockamamie cigar smoke.

1040. No more Swedish meatballs there, tootsie.

1041. And no more phony Irish whiskey.

1042. No more goddamn jerky beef.

1043. - The party's over. - The party's over?

1044. Hey, come on. What do you mean, the party's over?

1045. It's not even ten o'clock, you dummy.

1046. Hey, come on. Loosen up, man. It's almost New Year's Eve.

1047. All right.

1048. Hey. Hey, hey, hey, look what happened to me!

1049. Sometimes, they look so human, it gives you the creeps.

1050. Boy, that other one's getting kinda horny, ain't he?

1051. Think we ought to hit him up with the tranquillizer gun?

1052. It's New Year's. Let 'em have their fun.

1053. That black one must be the female.

1054. Where is he?

1055. Beeks. Are you there, Beeks?

1056. I'm over here.

1057. That's far enough.

1058. - Did you get the report? - Let's see the money.

1059. OK, toss it over.

1060. Thank you, Beeks.

1061. Wonderful news. Wonderful.

1062. Beeks, Happy New Year.

1063. My life savings. Try not to lose it.

1064. Lose it? Coleman, in a couple hours, you're gonna be the richest butler ever.

1065. Well...

1066. I worked real hard for this, Louis. I hope you know what you're doing.

1067. - Thank you, Ophelia. - What are you doing?

1068. - 10:31... - That's us, Louis.

1069. Coleman, would you, please? Thank you.

1070. I could use a stiff drink. Would you care to join me?

1071. - Good morning, Mr Duke. - Wilson.

1072. - Good morning, Mr Duke. - Wilson.

1073. Keep the change.

1074. Think big, think positive. Never show any sign of weakness.

1075. Always go for the throat. Buy low, sell high. Fear, that's the other guy's problem.

1076. Nothing you have ever experienced can prepare you

1077. for the unbridled carnage you are about to witness.

1078. The Super Bowl, the World Series. They don't know what pressure is.

1079. In this building, it's either kill or be killed. Make no friends and take no prisoners.

1080. One minute you're up half a million and the next,

1081. boom, your kids don't go to college and they've repossessed your Bentley.

1082. Yeah, we gotta kill the motherf— We gotta kill them!

1083. We want you to buy as much OJ as you can, the instant trading starts.

1084. Don't worry if the price starts going up, just keep buying.

1085. But they're gonna broadcast the crop report in an hour. What if...?

1086. Let us worry about that, Wilson.

1087. Yes, sir.

1088. How's the ulcer, Harry?

1089. Pretty good. How's the hypertension?

1090. Hasn't bothered me in months.

1091. Let's kick some ass.

1092. Well, this is it. The last bastion of pure capitalism left on earth.

1093. Here in New York they trade everything, gold, silver, platinum,

1094. heating oil, propane, cocoa and sugar

1095. and, of course, frozen, concentrated orange juice.

1096. Now, the people on the phones are taking orders from brokers all over the world.

1097. The runners then hand those orders to the traders in the pits.

1098. They're trading cotton over there. And that's the silver pit.

1099. The Dukes' trader is going to be buying like crazy right from the opening.

1100. - We wait until he drives the price up. - Right. I can't wait to see his face

1101. when they broadcast that genuine crop report.

1102. OJ trading opens at 9:00.

1103. - Let's go kick some butt. - Let's go.

1104. - 102 bid for... - Sold!

1105. Six, six.

1106. At seven, at seven. Two hundred.

1107. One-oh-eight.

1108. One-sixteen.

1109. Hey, hey. The Dukes are trying to corner the market.

1110. - They know something. I can feel it. - Let's get in on it.

1111. - Add it on! - 200, taken.

1112. - 130. - 200, 200.

1113. Louis.

1114. Not yet, almost.

1115. - 220 taken. - 209.

1116. - Yeah, yeah, got 'em. - 139.

1117. Now! Sell, 200 April at 142.

1118. That's not right. How can the price be going down?

1119. Something's wrong. Where's Wilson?

1120. - Sell! Sell! Sell! - What are they doing here?

1121. - They're selling, Mortimer. - Why, that's ridiculous.

1122. Unless that crop report...

1123. God help us!

1124. I told you we shouldn't have committed everything, you asshole.

1125. We've got to get Wilson and tell him to sell.

1126. Go, sold!

1127. Ladies and gentlemen, the Secretary of Agriculture.

1128. Ladies and gentlemen, the orange crop estimates for the next year.

1129. After calculating the estimates from various orange producing states,

1130. we have concluded the following:

1131. The cold winter has apparently not affected the orange harvest.

1132. Consumers can expect orange juice prices to fall...

1133. Wilson, for Christ's sake, sell!

1134. - Sold! Sold! Sold! - Buy 'em.

1135. Sold!

1136. Sell it!

1137. Selling. Sell!

1138. Sold!

1139. No. Selling.

1140. All right, I'll buy.

1141. - Wilson, where are you going? - You idiot!

1142. Get back in there at once and sell, sell.

1143. Sir, but I— I— I—

1144. - Five. - Yeah, 200.

1145. - 100. 100. - Yeah, that was 100.

1146. - Did you get that? - I got five with you, man. Five, five.

1147. Hundred.

1148. Happy New Year.

1149. - Winthorpe. - Valentine.

1150. Hey, how'd y'all make out today?

1151. How could you do this to us after everything we've done for you?

1152. Oh, see I made Louis a bet here.

1153. Louis bet me that we couldn't both get rich and put y'all in the poorhouse.

1154. He didn't think we could do it. I won.

1155. I lost.

1156. - One dollar. - Thank you, Louis.

1157. - After you. - Certainly.

1158. Margin call, gentlemen.

1159. - You can't expect us to— - You know the rules of the exchange.

1160. All accounts to be settled at the end of the day's trading without exception.

1161. You know perfectly well we don't have $394 million in cash.

1162. I'm sorry, boys. Put the Duke brother seats on the exchange up for sale at once.

1163. Seize all assets of Duke & Duke Commodities Brokers,

1164. as well as all personal holdings of Randolph and Mortimer Duke.

1165. My God. We're ruined!

1166. This is an outrage! I demand an investigation.

1167. You can't sell our seats. A Duke has been on this exchange since it was founded.

1168. We founded this exchange. It's ours! It belongs to us!

1169. My God.

1170. Your brother's not well. We better call an ambulance.

1171. Fuck him! Now you listen to me. I want trading reopened, right now.

1172. Get those brokers back in here! Turn those machines back on!

1173. Turn those machines back on!

1174. You and your Nobel Prize, you idiot.

1175. Where's Beeks? Where in the hell is Beeks?

1176. - Beeks! - Yeah, I forgot all about that guy.

1177. OK, one male gorilla.

1178. Hey, wait a minute. There's two of them in that cage.

1179. One gorilla, two gorillas. Big deal. Whole bunch is getting sent back to Africa.

1180. It's a big scientific experiment. What do I know?

1181. Anyway, take a look. They're in love.

1182. - Hey, Coleman? - Yes?

1183. What should we do about lunch? The lobster or the cracked crab?

1184. - What do you think? - Can't we have both?

1185. Why not?

1186. - Demitri? - Sir.

1187. - Lobster and cracked crab for everyone. - Extra prima good, Mr Coleman, sir.

1188. Looking good, Billy Ray.

1189. Feeling good, Louis.