Torch Song Trilogy (1988)

1. 'Arnold!'

2. 'Arnold!'

3. 'Arnold!'

4. 'Arnold!'

5. Arnold!

6. Arnold.

7. Arnold, lunch is on the table!

8. Arnold!

9. Where is that kid?

10. Aah!

11. Oh, Arnold, what are you doing in..

12. I think my biggest problem is being young and beautiful.

13. It's because I've never been young and beautiful.

14. Well, I've been beautiful. God knows I've been young.

15. But never the twain have met.

16. Not so as anyone would notice anyway.

17. You know, a shrink acquaintance of mine believes this

18. to be the root of my attraction to a class of men

19. most subtly described as old and ugly.

20. I think he's underestimating my wheedles.

21. See, a ugly person

22. who goes after a pretty person gets nothing, but trouble.

23. But a pretty person who goes after a ugly person

24. gets at least cab fare.

25. Now, I ain't sayin' I never fell for a pretty face.

26. When les jeux sont faitsgive me a toad with a pot of gold

27. I'll give you three meals a day

28. Ain't no toad when the lights go down.

29. It's either feast or famine.

30. It's the daylight you got to watch out for.

31. Well, face it.

32. A thing of beauty is a joy till sunrise.

33. Mm, mm.

34. There's another group you gotta watch your foot stamps around.

35. The hopeless.

36. They break down into three major categories.

37. Married.

38. Just in for the weekend.

39. Terminally straight.

40. Those affairs are the worst.

41. You go into them with your eyes open

42. knowing all the limitations, accepting them maturely.

43. Then wham bam, you're writing letters to dear Abby

44. and you're burning black candles at midnight.

45. And you ask yourself, "what happened?"

46. I'm gonna tell you what happened.

47. You got just what you wanted.

48. The person who thinks they're mature enough

49. to handle an affair that's hopeless from the beginning

50. is the very same person that keeps the publishers

51. of gothic romances up to their tragic endings in mink.

52. What do you think? Gorgeous, huh?

53. Give me a break. It's still under construction.

54. For those of youse what ain't yet guessed.

55. I am an entertainer.

56. Or what's left of one.

57. I go by the name, Virginia Hamm.

58. Ain't that a kick in the rubber parts?

59. You should hear some of my former handles.

60. Anita Mann.

61. Fonda Boys.

62. Claire Voyant.

63. Fay Ways.

64. Bang-bang-la-desh.

65. Yeah.

66. I'm among the last of a dying breed.

67. Once the E.R.A. and gay civil rights bills have been passed

68. me and mine will find ourselves swept under the carpets.

69. Like the blacks done to Amos, Andy, and Aunt Jemima.

70. But that's alright.

71. With voice and face like this I got nothing to worry about.

72. I can always drive a cab.

73. There are easier things in this life than being a drag queen.

74. Tsk. But I ain't got no choice.

75. See, umm..

76. Try as I may..

77. I just can't walk in flats.

78. Ha ha ha.

79. You know, there was one guy once

80. his name was Charlie.

81. He was everything you could want in an affair and more.

82. Oh, he was tall.

83. Handsome.

84. Rich.

85. Deaf.

86. The deafness was the more.

87. Well, he had never yelled at me.

88. Never complained if I snored.

89. All his friends was nice and quiet.

90. I-I even learned some of that deaf sign language.

91. Oh, I-I remember some.

92. It's cockroach.

93. Means fuck.

94. Oh, this here's my favorite.

95. Means I love you.

96. And I did too.

97. But um..

98. Not

99. enough.

100. You know... in my life I've slept with more men

101. than are named or numbered in the bible.

102. Old and new testaments put together.

103. But not once has someone said, "Arnold... I love you."

104. That I could believe.

105. And I ask myself, "do you really care?"

106. You know, the only honest answer I can give myself is

107. "yes... I care"

108. I care a great deal.

109. Tsk, but

110. not

111. enough.

112. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to our stage

113. Bertha Venation! Yay!

114. And now, the Queen of Delicatessen, Virginia Hamm!

115. (female #1) And now, senores and senoritas

116. please welcome, Marina del Rey!

117. And now, bigger than Broadway, Marcia Dimes!

118. Ladies and gentlemen

119. in order to be a real dame

120. you've got to kneel before a queen.

121. Oh, Miss Dimes, you're flawless.

122. But ladies and gentlemen, wait until you see my act

123. Bertha Venation and her dance of the virgin.

124. Which she does completely from memory.

125. Bitch.

126. Brrr!

127. Kiss her quick. She's Carmen.

128. More!

129. - Roz, honey, you need a lift? - Oh, that'd be great, thanks.

130. - Hey, you going straight home? - No. Let's get a beer.

131. - So, what's the dish? - Men.

132. My life's work. What's the gripe?

133. - I ain't got one. - Who wants one?

134. - I've got three. - 'Find me out.'

135. Good night, ladies.

136. - Goodnight. - Night, night dear.

137. I swear that queen gives me gas.

138. Oh. Ha ha ha.

139. Come on, let's go to the Stud, I can use a nightcap.

140. And a quickie with some stranger in the backroom.

141. - Count me out. - It's very relaxing.

142. You'll find this hard to comprehend

143. but I want more out of life than meeting a pretty face.

144. - And sitting down on it. - Graphically put.

145. Personally, I never enjoy sex with someone I know.

146. - A lady of high standards. - Cab! Night, girls!

147. - Night, Bertha! - Night, Bertha!

148. Come with me. I know what to do.

149. - Oh, my God! - Fucking faggots!

150. Piss off!

151. I'm tired and I want to go home.

152. - One drink, one look. - I'm not goin' to the backroom.

153. Who asked you to?

154. I think I feel the call of the wild.

155. Oh, don't leave me out here. Oh, Murray, Murray, Murray!

156. Thank you.

157. Oh, God. I'm sorry. Are you okay?

158. Fine.

159. No permanent damage, I hope... to your foot.

160. No. It's fine.

161. Good.

162. Excuse me. Do you have a li.. Great.

163. Look, um, my name is Ed Reese.

164. My friends call me Ed.

165. I'm a Sagittarius.

166. What's so funny?

167. Some people like to know that stuff.

168. I don't believe any of it myself.

169. You have a great smile. What's your name?

170. - Uh... Arnold. - Arnold?

171. What do your friends call you? Arnie or Arn?

172. Arnold.

173. Arnold. Yeah.

174. Well, nice to meet you, Arnold.

175. - Can I buy you a drink? - I just..

176. Oh.

177. - So what are you? Italian? - Uh, no.

178. Spanish?

179. Jewish.

180. Geez, uh, I mean I never would have guessed.

181. No, I mean, not with those dark, romantic eyes.

182. - You wearing makeup? - No.

183. No, I mean, uh, no, I didn't think so.

184. You, um, you here alone?

185. No. I'm with a friend. He's in the back.

186. Oh.

187. Is he your-your..

188. Oh, no, no, no, just a friend. Just a friend.

189. Oh.

190. Well..

191. How lucky for me.

192. Well, I've got a car.

193. If you're going to laugh at everything I say

194. we're never gonna get to bed.

195. You really do have beautiful eyes.

196. And you've got some routine.

197. Anyone ever tell you you've got a very sexy voice?

198. No, really. You do.

199. Is that natural, or do you have a cold?

200. (Ed) 'I'd have asked you to my place, but my roommate is straight

201. 'and he's not all that comfortable with gays.'

202. (Arnold) 'So where does that leave you?'

203. (Ed) 'Oh, well, I date women too.'

204. 'I teach in Brooklyn, I keep an apartment in the city

205. 'but I-I really live upstate.'

206. 'I've got a farm where I spend weekends, summers.'

207. 'I grow all my own vegetables.'

208. 'You'd love the house, it's a classic American saltbox.'

209. 'Lots of wood detail, Franklin stove.'

210. 'I'm restoring it myself.'

211. (Arnold) 'Sounds beautiful.'

212. - So what do you do? - I'm a female impersonator.

213. No, you know, I meant for a living.

214. I'm a female impersonator.

215. Does that bother you?

216. Not yet.

217. - Oh, wait. I'll get a light. - No, just..

218. You're shaking.

219. Am I? Sorry.

220. Better?

221. Mm-hmm.

222. We're having an intimate dinner. He's bringing the wine.

223. Why didn't you tell me you were going out? I'd have come.

224. I better steal steaks from the kitchen. Who has time to shop?

225. Have you registered a pattern at Tiffany's?

226. (female #1) 'Bertha Venetian!'

227. I wonder which apartment we'll keep.

228. We hardly need two with all the time we'd spend at the farm.

229. The farm?

230. Well, you can't bring up children in the city.

231. (female #1) 'Queen of the Delicatessen, Virginia Hamm!'

232. Mm!

233. Oh-h!

234. Mm.

235. Happy two-week anniversary.

236. Oh, Ed, you remembered!

237. Thanks, Roz.

238. You oughta slap that girl for stealing your material.

239. - You're the torch singer. - Who cares?

240. I ain't singing anything bluer than zip-a-dee-doo-dah.

241. - When do I get to meet him? - Soon.

242. Have you met any of his friends yet? Are they nice?

243. We don't get it out much, if you know what I mean.

244. Shut up!

245. Come on. Oh, watch your head in there.

246. And this first step is a little broken.

247. Um, we got to work on that.

248. Good morning.

249. Alright. Alright.

250. Argh!

251. Whoosh!

252. I'll drop you off at your place.

253. I'm seeing Tom and Janet for dinner.

254. You didn't tell me they called.

255. I forgot. Anyway, I got to see them.

256. I've given them every excuse in the book.

257. And you're seeing Lisa and Michael tomorrow night?

258. They wanted to play bridge. Got a friend in from out of town.

259. I'll go as your friend from out of town.

260. - Arnold. - Only joking.

261. So I guess I'm not gonna see you again until the weekend.

262. My parents have the farm. I told you that.

263. So hide out at my place.

264. I've got to see my folks, Arnold.

265. Ed, why didn't you call first? I was worried.

266. 'Oh! Hi, mom.'

267. (ma) 'Happy Birthday, shayna tateleh. Happy Birthday, shayna punim'

268. 'I can only stay a minute. The girls are in the car.'

269. Charlotte got tickets to some off-off Broadway theater.

270. It's experimental. They keep their clothes on.

271. Your father will call after his mason's meeting.

272. Your brother, he'll call when he calls.

273. I ask him a question, he yells. So I don't ask.

274. Are you redecorating?

275. It's easier than cleaning.

276. Don't be so funny.

277. You don't get much light here.

278. I get what you call indirect semi shade.

279. Yeah, it's good for the plants.

280. So is manure.

281. Don't shake. It's cookies.

282. Ooh! Fancy, fancy. New tablecloth.

283. I made it myself. Took a class.

284. I'm tellin' you.

285. I'm going to make napkins to match. You like it?

286. - Nice. - It's a pretty pattern.

287. Very nice.

288. - Mama, the ladies! - Are you making potato soup?

289. Ma, don't. You'll burn yourself!

290. But not like the potato soup I make for your father.

291. For him, I boil the potato, throw in salt and pepper.

292. - That's potato soup. - Ma, what are you doing?

293. I'm coming already! Why don't you come with us?

294. Leave a note for your friend. We'll come back here for cake.

295. You just go, have a good time. And give my love to the ladies.

296. Many happy returns, tateleh.

297. Thanks, Ma.

298. While you're redecorating, how about this wallpaper?

299. Yeah, I'll be right there.

300. Yeah, one minute. Just a second, um..

301. Hi!

302. Oh, hi.

303. Was that you on the phone before?

304. My phone was ringing and I picked it up

305. just in time to hear whoever it was hang up.

306. So I was gonna call you back.

307. But I figured why call when I can come over?

308. - It wasn't me. - Oh.

309. Look Arnold, this isn't a great time to talk.

310. I shouldn't count on that wine being my birthday surprise, huh?

311. - Your birthday! - You remembered.

312. Oh, God! Arnold, I'm sorry.

313. What's the difference? We're together now, right?

314. Well..

315. I've got somebody coming over for dinner.

316. That's alright, I just want to see you for a minute.

317. - I understand. - What do you understand?

318. You never give me a chance to make the first move.

319. Every time I'm about to call you, there you are calling me.

320. ESP maybe.

321. So who you got coming over? Do I know him?

322. No.

323. How do you know? Maybe I do. I know lots of hims.

324. Battle Hymn of the republic, Rock of Ages—

325. You're impossible, you know that?

326. What's wrong with us, Ed?

327. - Not now, Arnold. - Yes, now.

328. You can't expect me to wait until you call.

329. I never asked you to, I told you to meet other people.

330. I can't. I'm not built that way.

331. I'm just not ready to make that commitment.

332. I'm not asking you to, but if I've to accept you going out

333. then you have to accept that I'm not.

334. You really are crazy.

335. I miss you.

336. I think about you all the time. I'm so damn horny.

337. You've no right to make me feel guilty.

338. I'm in love with you, that must give me some rights.

339. If I can't see you, I can bitch about it

340. Arnold.

341. Please.

342. Hello.

343. Hi, Laurel.

344. This is Arnold.

345. Of course! Ed's talked about you. Glad to finally meet you.

346. He's told me all about you too. I'm sorry, I've got to run now.

347. Allergies. I-I ought to have my head examined.

348. Um, just..

349. Arnold, Arnold, Arnold.

350. Don't pretend I never told about my relationships with women.

351. I thought you meant like sisters and aunts and nieces.

352. - That's not funny. - I think it's hysterical.

353. (Ed) 'You're really dragging me over the coals.'

354. Why should I be the only one here with a barbecued ass?

355. Arnold.

356. Arnold, look, I'm not like you.

357. Being gay is what you are, it's what you like.

358. It's what you're comfortable with.

359. I want more, I can't be happy living in a ghetto of gay bars.

360. - We've never done that. - I need to be proud of who I'm.

361. How can sleeping with a woman make you proud

362. if you know you'd rather be with a man?

363. How will you get any respect if you're not yourself?

364. 'There's no you to respect!'

365. Where is your self-respect? I don't see any here.

366. You want to see my self-respect? Here, here's my self-respect.

367. Hi.

368. Can I buy you a drink?

369. Oh, fuck off!

370. Oh, I'm sorry.

371. Excuse Me. Pardon Me.

372. Sorry.

373. Hi, my name's Arnold.

374. It's my fault, I'm sure.

375. Oh, my God.

376. What am I gonna do with the beer can?

377. Well, at least I don't have to cook him breakfast.

378. (male #1) 'With all the promotions, mine can't be far.'

379. (ma) 'Promotions are fine, but how about a nice girl?'

380. Leave the boy alone. He'll find one when he's ready.

381. - They don't come every day. - You tell 'em.

382. You boys gotta admit, I picked a beautiful girl as your mother.

383. You tell 'em.

384. - You want some rice pudding? - No.

385. I made Jell-O, but if you want nice pudding..

386. - No, Ma. - Nothing for me, Ma.

387. - Piece of cake? - I'm full.

388. So what's with you, Arnold?

389. Not much. I'm not seeing Ed anymore.

390. - I meant work. - You call that work?

391. Betty, the boy has to find himself.

392. So let him find himself, I'm not saying anything.

393. - I'd love some cheesecake. - Go to Junior's.

394. So you can use a couple of bucks, Arnold?

395. 'I'm fine, Dad.'

396. Take it, a loan. Until you're on your feet.

397. - I'm on my feet, Daddy. - Yeah, in six-inch heels.

398. - Some big shot. - Excuse me.

399. They don't mean anything, you know?

400. Then, why embarrass me like that?

401. I make more than daddy does.

402. They have trouble understanding, that's all.

403. There isn't anything they wouldn't do for you.

404. Don't be mad at them.

405. I'm not mad. I'm jealous.

406. You realize in all the years that they've been married

407. the only time they were ever separated

408. was when ma went into the hospital for that operation.

409. And what did daddy do?

410. He slept on a chair in the living room.

411. He wouldn't even get into bed without her.

412. And the way they always made us feel

413. like we were the two most important

414. smartest, most talented, handsomest..

415. And it kills me to think..

416. that they look at me and wonder what they did wrong.

417. All I know is in all my born days and there've been plenty

418. I never met a real bisexual.

419. - Not in front of you-know-who? - It's alright. Not listening.

420. Just once I'd like to see a bisexual that lived

421. with his boyfriend and then snuck out to see his girlfriend

422. on the sly.

423. Is Arnold Beckoff..

424. You wanna give 'em room?

425. Alright. Come on.

426. Bet you never thought you'd see me again, huh?

427. Hi.

428. You look terrific.

429. Really.

430. You've lost a little weight I see. I'm sorry.

431. I guess you're still pretty angry, huh?

432. No, I'm not still angry. This here's brand new.

433. - What are you doin' here? - I just wanted to talk.

434. Five months ago you checked out on me and the one thing

435. I can say is that when you left, you left.

436. 'No matter what I thought of your reasons—'

437. I told you that I wanted us to be friends.

438. 'You mean a lot to me.'

439. Don't get cute with me, huh?

440. Maybe I shouldn't have come, but as long as the harm's done

441. can't I just talk to you for a while?

442. I mean just, no, just until you're finished.

443. 'It's important to me.'

444. Just sit down.

445. So how's your sex life?

446. It's great.

447. As good as with me?

448. Arnold, I'm, I'm not so sure that the sex we had was always

449. as good for me as it was for you.

450. Sometimes you got a little wild, little too out of control.

451. And that's bad?

452. Well, it's not what I want.

453. It's funny.

454. That's what I pray for.

455. I thought about you a lot this summer.

456. A couple of times, I almost called you.

457. I even picked up the phone once.

458. Yeah, so what happened?

459. Well, I couldn't.

460. I love her, Arnold.

461. Oh, um, I had a dream last night

462. that I want to tell you about.

463. I mean, you like that sort of stuff.

464. Anyway, um, I was..

465. I dreamt I was at my parent's house

466. and I got a rag and I soaked it in turpentine

467. put it inside a plastic bag

468. and put the bag over my head.

469. And um..

470. Anyway, the phone woke me in the morning.

471. It was Laurel and I couldn't understand what she was saying.

472. You know, half of me's trying to listen to her.

473. The other half's trying to figure out this dream.

474. I felt dizzy, so I-I went back to bed

475. and there on the pillow is..

476. You know, the-the plastic bag with the turpentine-soaked rag.

477. Um..

478. I couldn't tell any..

479. You know, anybody about it.

480. I'm..

481. a little scared.

482. So what, do you got your car with you?

483. Yeah, um, do you want me to drive you home?

484. Um, why don't you get the car and I'll meet you out front?

485. Oh.

486. So what now, huh?

487. Look, if I take him back now, knowing all I do

488. maybe I can make it work

489. With a little understanding.

490. Maybe a shrink.

491. I could just let him drive me home

492. And then I could say something like, uh

493. "the next time you feel you have to say I love you to someone"

494. "say it to yourself and see if you believe it."

495. That would go over his head.

496. I think it went over mine.

497. I could just sneak out the back, leave him waitin' in the cold.

498. 'Cause if I start in again

499. who's to say he's not gonna keep this shit up, right?

500. I don't know.

501. Maybe it's what I want.

502. Maybe he's treating me just the way I want him to.

503. I mean what if it's me using him to give me that

504. tragic torch singer status I admire so in others?

505. Wouldn't that be a kick in the rubber parts?

506. I love him.

507. What are you gonna do?

508. But do I love him enough?

509. What is enough?

510. This is enough.

511. Enough.

512. Oh, weren't they wonderful, boys and girls?

513. (all) Yeah!

514. Especially, the boys. Ow-w-w!

515. Ow ow ow, the last time I saw a basket like that

516. it was around Red Riding Hood's arm.

517. One more time.

518. Oh.

519. I'll see you around and I'll see you around.

520. - And I'll see you around— - Hey, where's Bette?

521. - Bette? - 'Yeah.'

522. Darling, I don't do Bette without a c-cigarette.

523. - 'Over here.' - Oh.

524. You mean Bette as Baby Jane Hudson?

525. (all) Yay!

526. Blanche.

527. You didn't eat your din-din.

528. So someone else is gonna eat your Christmas puddin'.

529. Who's gonna eat my Christmas balls?

530. How rude?

531. You have a high voice for a lesbian.

532. 'And now ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure'

533. to bring you the favorite of all of us as I present

534. the supreme artiste of the song—

535. Fuck the artiste! Bring on the freaks!

536. Did your mother have any children that lived?

537. Thank you, darling.

538. And now ladies and gentlemen and nasty little boys

539. I want to present the queen of the torch song

540. our very own Virginia Hamm.

541. These for real, huh? Huh, baby?

542. Looks like a boiled ham to me.

543. Baby, show us your dick.

544. 'Come on. Pull it out.'

545. 'Come on. Pull it out. What's the matter?'

546. Ain't you got one, Huh? Huh? Pull it out.

547. 'Come on, whip it out.'

548. Hey, sit on this.

549. Won't you boys, show some respect, huh?

550. Maybe you'd like me to carve a reminder on your pretty face.

551. (Arnold) 'Gregory.'

552. Please.

553. I wasn't gonna hurt him anyway.

554. Just wanted to teach him a manner or two.

555. You alright, kid?

556. Roz.

557. Put it in my dressing room.

558. Peter, 1, 2..

559. - I see you're alright. - I'm alright.

560. - Reach the door. - Okay, careful with him.

561. - He's a person. - I used to be a person.

562. - Alright, straight in the back. - It figures.

563. Come on.

564. Come on.

565. God.

566. - Alright? - Yeah.

567. - Okay, you can dump him here. - Alright.

568. Here, thanks and close the door on your way out.

569. Sure.

570. If you have an IQ over 30, then there is no God.

571. - Hi. - Hi.

572. - Who are you? - I've got a better one for you.

573. - Who are you? - My name's Alan.

574. Arnold.

575. Do you remember anything at all about last night?

576. Not too much.

577. I don't usually drink, but you know how it is in the holidays.

578. So you and I met where?

579. Why don't you go sit down? I'll give you breakfast.

580. We met at the club East 4th. You seemed to be having trouble.

581. You were the waiter.

582. I were the entertainment.

583. Virginia Hamm.

584. Oh, you're kidding?

585. Anyway, you're in Brooklyn.

586. The subway's up the block. Turn right, three blocks.

587. And you don't have to worry about anything.

588. I was a perfect gentleman.

589. Thanks.

590. Shit, um, I have a photo shoot today and I'm late.

591. Um, hello?

592. Listen, I've gotta run, but I'll call you later, okay?

593. Hello?

594. Exactly what I needed..

595. Hi, you-you saw me in the audience, right?

596. Every queen in Harlem saw you in the audience

597. You were terrific. A little weird, but different.

598. Thanks.

599. Hello? I'm another person in the world.

600. Hi. You know, I hope you don't mind me saying so

601. but I think that I prefer you in men's clothes.

602. - Ooh, child. - Well, thanks for dropping by.

603. Oh, um, I-I brought you something.

604. I couldn't help but notice that you liked them.

605. That was really sweet. Thanks.

606. Look, can I take you to dinner?

607. - To make up for last night? - Free chow. You got my vote.

608. Oh, thanks. Maybe another time, huh?

609. We've really gotta run. You know, it's Christmas

610. and I never did finish my Christmas shopping.

611. There's an all-night sale at the market. Thanks though.

612. - What is the matter with you? - What is wrong with you..

613. (Murray) '... you're full of chicken shit.'

614. (Alan) 'I came to New York to be gay.'

615. 'I don't have to tell you the kind of reception'

616. 'a 15-year-old barefoot boy with cheek of tan'

617. 'gets in the big apple.'

618. All any guy I met cared about was my price tag

619. for the evening.

620. I figured I needed affection more than they needed the money

621. so I took it.

622. 'I'm 21, successful..'

623. and still every guy I meet

624. takes one look at me and all he wants is sex.

625. Every guy I meet takes one look at me

626. and all he wants is conversation.

627. I wouldn't say all.

628. - Morning. - Morning.

629. Wh-what do you think? Kate Smith, right?

630. - Yeah, Judy Canova. - I don't do her.

631. - Then, put the dress back. - Gentlemen, please..

632. Don't lose your beans, honey. We got cash.

633. Yes.

634. - What do you think? - Fabulous for Canasta.

635. Wouldn't you gentlemen feel more comfortable in another store?

636. Worry not, my dear. We're simply slumming until Halston opens.

637. - I'm gonna try this one out. - No, no, no, Sir.

638. Don't look now, but pretty boy has tracked you down again.

639. Oh, my God.

640. - Would you stop? - 'Tis love. 'Tis love.

641. Him looking at you like a 3 year old at his first ice cream cake.

642. And you're running from him for your life.

643. Now, honey, my calculus may not be up to snuff

644. but I still can put two and two together.

645. And what I get is love.

646. - May I help you, Sir? - No, thanks.

647. - Sir. Sir. - Do you have these in a 16?

648. Arnold?

649. Yes?

650. Sorry.

651. - Arnold? - 'Oh, my God.'

652. I love the way this drapes on you.

653. Arnold, I can't think about anybody else but you.

654. I don't want to see anybody else but you.

655. I don't even want to talk to anybody else but you.

656. So... you gonna come out of there?

657. - Want me to break the door? - I'm calling the police.

658. Oh, nonsense. Let me see that in his size.

659. There are a couple of things we better get straight first.

660. A, I want children.

661. B, if anyone asks, I'm the pretty one.

662. 'Alan, where the hell are you?'

663. I had to make a call.

664. Okay, I'm listening.

665. - Alright, number three here— - Oh, wait. Wait.

666. Alright. Let's go. Come on.

667. Employment, husband. Employment, wife.

668. I knew one day we'll have to decide.

669. If we could figure that, we could have our own kids.

670. - What should I put for age? - Write 54. Let them break it.

671. - What aged child? - Oh.

672. Old enough to dust. That's all I care.

673. (man on radio) 'You're listening to the station dedicated to the one you love.'

674. 'So listen up friends, here is the stuff you really like.'

675. 'A 3-year anniversary.'

676. 'A special song for a special couple.'

677. 'For Arnold, with all the love in my soul, from Ellen.'

678. - Alan, asshole, Alan. - Was that you?

679. For God's sake, don't cry.

680. Hello, home wrecker.

681. Oh, hi, Ma.

682. Mama, what's wrong?

683. Arnold, tateleh,I'm sorry. It's your father.

684. I'll be right there, Mama.

685. (all) Amen.

686. (all) Amen.

687. (ma) Thank you so much, rabbi. It was beautiful.

688. Thank you all for coming. We'll see you back at the house.

689. Thank you so much for coming so far.

690. Thank you. You got off from school today, didn't you?

691. Thank you for coming on such an awful day.

692. This is where I'll be, between your father and grandfather.

693. And Phil, over here's for you and your wife and your children.

694. Tateleh, over here's for you and your wife and your children.

695. - Oh, Ma. - You'll meet a girl someday.

696. Believe me, Ma. I know.

697. God doesn't know. My son knows.

698. Why are the mirrors covered?

699. So we don't see the pain in our faces.

700. And why are you sitting on boxes?

701. To make sure there's pain in our faces.

702. You told me he was Jewish.

703. Out-of-town Jewish.

704. So, Mama, what're you gonna do?

705. Are you gonna keep the house?

706. I'll teach out the term, put the house up for sale..

707. and go live in Florida.

708. What are you talking? Florida? Phil and I are here.

709. That's what we do. We go to Florida.

710. When my father died my mother went to Florida.

711. And her mother before that. That's what we do.

712. We go to Florida.

713. I don't care what we do. What do you want to do?

714. I want to die.

715. Until then I'll go to Florida.

716. Hello.

717. (female #2) 'Oh, I woke you?'

718. Good guess.

719. - 'Is this Arnold?' - That's what they tell me.

720. - Who is that? - I don't know.

721. 'Oh, come on. Speak up. I'm a drag queen, not a mind reader.'

722. Well... I don't know if you'd remember me.

723. Uh, we have a mutual friend, Ed Reese.

724. 'We met at his place once. My name's Laurel.'

725. 'Uh, Ed and I live together. We're lovers.'

726. Anyway, we got to talking and thought it'd be nice

727. to have you up to visit for a few days.

728. 'Hello? Are you with me?'

729. I'm way ahead of you.

730. Sorry, I ain't into none of that kinky stuff.

731. 'Ed said you were funny.'

732. Yeah, right. Tell me, whose idea was this?

733. 'We'd both like you to come.'

734. Yeah, yeah. Whose idea was it?

735. What's the difference?

736. I know how much Ed values your friendship

737. and the two of you don't get to meet anymore..

738. Look, I don't think this is such a good idea.

739. But thanks for the invite.

740. - I wanna go. - Are you out of your mind?

741. - We are going. - We are not.

742. Shut up. We're going.

743. Isn't this civilized?

744. Guests up to our country home for the weekend.

745. We've had guests before.

746. We can hardly compare this to having your sister

747. and her kids or your parents up.

748. Imagine. Hostess to your lover's ex and his new boyfriend.

749. Now, that isn't civilized, I don't know what is.

750. - It's down right.. - Would you stop?

751. - This is it. - Hi.

752. Alright, you finally made it. How you doing? Look at this.

753. - Hi. - Hi.

754. You look great.

755. This is Laurel.

756. - Arnold, Hi. - You're Alan.

757. Yeah.

758. - You need help? - Oh, Thanks.

759. You got it? Good.

760. This is Laurel, and, uh, come on, let's go on inside.

761. - Hi, Laurel. - How are you?

762. Come on in.

763. Ha ha ha.

764. Yeah. Ha ha ha.

765. So, Arnold, Ed tells me you're a transsexual.

766. - Transvestite. - I'm sorry.

767. That's alright. Look, actually, I'm just a drag queen.

768. Did I tell you I'm teaching my classes computers?

769. - It's an experimental program. - Really?

770. He's even tried teaching me a thing or two, but I'm baffled.

771. You know, hardware, software

772. I can never remember which is which.

773. Easy. Just remember computers are the opposite of people.

774. With computers, the software goes into the hardware.

775. And with people—

776. My, my! All this good food has just done me in.

777. What say we hit the hay? Eh?

778. Did you see how he fawned over Alan at dinner?

779. He practically cut his steak for him.

780. No more than I fawned over you.

781. I did cut your steak.

782. I could have killed you for that.

783. The two of you were lovers.

784. Little games and jealousies are going to pop up.

785. Did you see how he made such a point

786. of running off to bed early? Oh, I'm so tired.

787. All that good food has just done me in.

788. Hm. If I had someone as pretty as that to go to bed with

789. I wouldn't have stayed late up either.

790. - You think he's pretty? - Uh-huh.

791. Don't you think he's a little young?

792. Uh-uh. You hear the way their bed springs were squeaking?

793. I think that I do pretty well in the squeaking departments.

794. Oh, you do.

795. Yeah, making certain allowances for wear and tear.

796. Oh, no. Too early in the race to make a plea for sympathy.

797. Oh, you want to race? Ok. We'll race.

798. May the best man win.

799. Jesus! Do you hear that?

800. Oh, baby, talk dirty to me.

801. Well, go outside and listen at their door.

802. Give my best to the bisexuals.

803. Only he's bisexual. She's straight.

804. Too bad mixed marriages never work.

805. - So what do you think? - About what?

806. Seeing Ed again with me to compare him to.

807. Is that what we're doin' here?

808. He ain't so hot.

809. Not hot enough to be the great love of your life anyway.

810. I never said he was the great love of my life.

811. He's got his good points though.

812. He's good-natured, good-looking, good in bed.

813. Good and boring.

814. He's not good and boring.

815. He's just plain boring.

816. - But you loved him, right? - I guess so.

817. He loved you.

818. I see the way he looks at you.

819. - Why did you two break up? - We wanted different things.

820. Like what?

821. I wanted a husband. He wanted a wife.

822. That was delicious, Laurel.

823. Isn't she a great cook, besides being beautiful?

824. - Just delicious. - I bet I gained five pounds.

825. Ed, why don't you take Arnold and Alan out to the barn

826. and show them our new canning machine?

827. We can all of our vegetables, you know.

828. Thanks. I've seen the barn.

829. Ed, why don't you take Alan out and show it to him?

830. He's the real can connoisseur in the family.

831. I'll stay and help Laurel with the dishes.

832. We're yet to have a moment alone to compare notes on you.

833. Oh, just what she's been waiting for.

834. - Ed! - Mind if I steal the brandy?

835. Come on.

836. Stuck with the dishes.

837. It's right up there.

838. Tell me about you. That's the reason we're here.

839. - Is it? - Sure is.

840. Wasn't going to let this opportunity

841. to meet my competition go by.

842. - I'm no competition. - I am.

843. - So talk. - Why don't you ask Arnold?

844. I'm sure he has lots to say on the subject.

845. He says you're a boring, self-centered

846. insensitive old fool who wouldn't know love

847. if it wore wings, diaper and shot heart shaped arrows

848. at your butt.

849. - Anything you'd care to add? - No. That'll do.

850. What do you think?

851. I think I'll reserve my judgment

852. until I can make a closer inspection.

853. Close enough?

854. You asked me to sit in the hay, not roll in it.

855. I think you're very beautiful.

856. I thought you were reformed.

857. You want me to stop..

858. just say so.

859. Do you?

860. I didn't think so.

861. (Alan) Let's go.

862. I'm sorry you couldn't stay for supper.

863. - Yeah, so are we, Arnold. - Yes. It's a shame.

864. Laurel, Listen, I'll call you.

865. - And thanks. - Drive safe, okay?

866. What the hell's wrong with you?

867. - I'm driving. - Okay, bye.

868. Hey, give us a call anytime.

869. Maybe we'll do it again sometime.

870. (Ed) 'Yeah. Sounds good to me.'

871. - 'What's wrong with you?' - 'Take it easy.'

872. (Alan) 'Let's just get out of here.'

873. Oh, I'm sorry.

874. I thought you weren't at home

875. and I was working out some frustration.

876. And I thank you for it. Come on in.

877. - Is Alan here? - No.

878. He had some early appointments.

879. Are you alright?

880. I could use some caffeine.

881. I can't believe how I misjudged your relationship with Alan.

882. Actually, you're so perfect together.

883. I'm certain you'll work everything out.

884. I wasn't aware of anything that needed working out.

885. - You two didn't have words? - None we haven't used before.

886. You mean what happened between Ed and Alan

887. 'doesn't bother you at all?'

888. What?

889. You blurted it out just like that?

890. Thought he knew. It was a friendly remark.

891. With friends like her who needs divorce court!

892. - Why'd you think I left him? - 'Cause of something I said.

893. - You gonna tell Laurel? - What I do is my own business.

894. Ed told me about it after you left. He was crying.

895. I was dumbfounded. I didn't know which one of us to comfort.

896. - All you had to do is ask. - Ask what?

897. Not to fool around. And I wouldn't.

898. You never asked me?

899. I wanted you to feel you could.

900. You mean you wanted me to feel that you could.

901. For once I'd love to have an affair

902. go on the rocks after the passion wears off?

903. Your the one who that wanted this weekend and wanted..

904. Just 'cause I said that's what I wanted doesn't mean I wanted.

905. May be, what I wanted. Doesn't mean I'm ready for it.

906. - You want me see other men? - No.

907. - I want you to feel you can. - I do and I did!

908. Just once, I'd like to be standing on sure ground

909. when the blow hits, instead of crawling around

910. on my hands and knees like a baby.

911. There's something I want to ask you.

912. The answer's yes.

913. You don't even know the question.

914. I'm too tired to argue anymore, so whatever it is

915. my answer's yes.

916. Good.

917. 'Cause I love you too.

918. 'That's it, Alan. Come on, yes.'

919. 'Now, pour the man some champagne.'

920. 'That's it. Don't give him a bath.'

921. Oh, yes, your looking beautiful. Beautiful.

922. Alan, give me a smile. Wonderful. Yes.

923. Hi, Arnold. Alan, take five.

924. Shelley, stay there.

925. Can somebody focus this light here?

926. (male #2) Shelley, come over here. I wanna do something..

927. Yeah. Fix that little spot over there.

928. - Bad news? - What?

929. - Who's the letter from? - Ah, Laurel.

930. They're getting married.

931. - You're kidding? - No.

932. "And so we figured, two years after that wonderful weekend

933. "ha ha ha, well, if we could survive that together

934. "then we could make it through anything

935. "and so we'll be tying the knot."

936. I think we should take their example and get married.

937. Yeah. Sure.

938. Any day now a giant stork is gonna come

939. rapping on our door with a bundle of joy.

940. I think the kid deserves legitimate parents.

941. - What are you talking about? - The institute called.

942. - We're going to have a baby. - You..

943. Yeah. We gotta find an apartment fast.

944. They won't give him to us until he can have a room of his own.

945. - Him? - His name is David.

946. He's 15, troubled, abused.

947. - He's also gay. - Oye.

948. So will you?

949. - What? - Marry me.

950. Excuse me. Sorry.

951. Welcome to the neighborhood.

952. Fabulous.

953. Really terrific neighborhood you picked here.

954. It's barely dark, and they're out in numbers.

955. Maybe we should get an infrared telescope for the living room.

956. - Great way to bring up a child. - 'Lift, lift.'

957. - Are we going to have a dog? - Why? What for?

958. - For the kid. - That's a great idea.

959. What kind should we get?

960. The kind that can walk in the park.

961. You're a funny guy. Real funny.

962. Wait. Okay. Push. Okay.

963. God, I feel so butch.

964. Hey, should you be carrying this in your condition?

965. Shouldn't you be lying down with your feet up or something?

966. You're even starting to look like a mother.

967. - Gray hair and all. - I do not have gray hair.

968. I can see it from here.

969. Yeah, well you gave me every one of 'em.

970. My old man.

971. What if he hates us?

972. - I'm hungry. Let's go eat. - I'm tired. Let's go to bed.

973. Where?

974. Oops.

975. Well, why don't you go get some take-out?

976. And I'll see what I can do with the bedroom.

977. - Dinner in bed. - By candlelight?

978. Buy candles.

979. Sorry.

980. You fuckin' watch where you're goin'.

981. - Fuckin' faggot. - Hey, not out here, man.

982. Alan!

983. Bring champagne.

984. (female #4) I can't believe he said that you.

985. What's going on?

986. Some punks are swinging bats at everyone.

987. - They got some guy cornered. - Call the cops.

988. They're beatin' on fags! You think the cops give a shit?

989. Call the cops! Now!

990. Over there.

991. Hey!

992. Hey!

993. Give me the bat.

994. (Alan) 'Let him go.'

995. Come on. I said, "let him go."

996. Oh, geez.

997. (male #3) 'Come on. Give it back.'

998. Move it back.

999. 'Hey, you back there, get back in the car.'

1000. I don't know what happened.

1001. You'll read about it in the morning. Come on.

1002. Alright, break it up.

1003. (female #3) 'Stop it!'

1004. Stop it!

1005. Please, stop it!

1006. Stop!

1007. Stop!

1008. I've called your mothers and I don't want a sound

1009. out of either one of you until they get here.

1010. Your mother?

1011. Hey, I didn't say nothing, lady.

1012. You are going to pay for this, young man.

1013. How could you get into a fight today of all days.

1014. Believe me young man. I won't soon forget about this.

1015. Yeah, you think I'll ever forget you showin' up in that outfit?

1016. They called and told me you were hurt in a fight.

1017. What did you want me to do, put on a tux?

1018. Looks like he survived.

1019. What are you doing home from work?

1020. Brooklyn Day. My school's closed.

1021. What died in here?

1022. It's breakfast, I cooked it myself.

1023. - Toast for me I'm on a diet. - Since when?

1024. 1961.

1025. Got a steak I could put on my eye?

1026. Use ice cubes.

1027. When I think of that kid hittin' you..

1028. And for that he gets two days suspension.

1029. I gotta go see his principal.

1030. What did you fight about anyway?

1031. He called me a douchebag. So, I slugged him.

1032. - How '50s. - Have a seat. Soup's on.

1033. Here we go. Hm.

1034. Okay, dig in.

1035. - This is a joke, right? - I cooked. You'll eat.

1036. I'm going apartment hunting this afternoon. Care to join me?

1037. Hey, what's the rush? I like having you here.

1038. Can I have the ketchup?

1039. The couch and I are not speaking.

1040. It's only your 4th night. You'll get used to it.

1041. Can I have the mustard?

1042. Is something wrong with the food?

1043. Not at all. Very tasty.

1044. How about the mayo?

1045. Hold the mayo.

1046. Oh, yeah, your wife called in the middle of the night.

1047. I tried to wake you, but you were out of it.

1048. Oh, I guess I better call her.

1049. 'Help yourself to seconds. There's plenty.'

1050. And I was worried.

1051. David, you finish cleaning up your room?

1052. 'Oh, what do I gotta clean for?'

1053. My mother, tomorrow, coming here.

1054. Lock the door and tell her it's a closet.

1055. She doesn't know about me, why let her into my room.

1056. - Who's on the phone? - Ed.

1057. (Ed) Alright. Alright.

1058. Yeah, um, yeah. 1:30 at Greenfields. Yep.

1059. Okay. Bye-bye.

1060. She give you a bad time, huh?

1061. Four days of those calls

1062. you'd think I'd start getting used to them.

1063. I don't know why she always has to cry.

1064. I mean, this separation wasn't all my idea.

1065. Ed! I don't want to hear what you have to say.

1066. 'Cause believe me, you don't want to hear what I have to say.

1067. Well, I'd love to sit around chewin' the fat

1068. with you grown-up types, but I got a life to live.

1069. - Take a glass of milk. - I had milk.

1070. - Then go brush your teeth. - Oh, ma!

1071. Don't you "oh, ma" me. March.

1072. And don't call me, ma in front of my mother.

1073. Having a good time, Leonora?

1074. Oh, Ed, two favors.

1075. My mother wants to go to the cemetery tomorrow.

1076. So have you got the number of that car service that you use?

1077. - Yeah, sure. - And uh..

1078. David's social worker will be coming on Thursday

1079. so could you stay somewhere else?

1080. Oh, I'm good enough for your mother, but I'm not good enough

1081. for David's social worker?

1082. It has nothing to do with being good enough.

1083. It's just that Ms. Schnabel frowns on casual cohabitation.

1084. I've got enough to explain without you on the couch.

1085. Casual? We've known each other for nine years.

1086. Seven of which you spent with another woman.

1087. - But I'm sleeping on the couch. - Ed!

1088. Okay, maybe I should just find a hotel room.

1089. And leave me unprotected at a time like this?

1090. You know my mother isn't exactly going to feature

1091. the idea of my becoming a father.

1092. Your opinion as an American educator will prove invaluable.

1093. She'll say I'm prejudiced.

1094. She'll say a lot a things, you'll learn not to listen.

1095. - David, I'm leaving. - I'll miss you.

1096. Make sure he calls somebody for his homework.

1097. No TV till it's done. And bedtime 11:00 p.m. sharp.

1098. - But I got no school tomorrow. - It's still a school night.

1099. We'll be fine.

1100. David!

1101. Get over here!

1102. What the hell is wrong with you?

1103. I don't get no kiss goodbye?

1104. - I love you. - I love you too... ma!

1105. So the new career is a reality.

1106. Just don't forget who your friends are.

1107. You know, when I started, in this business

1108. I looked like a young Joan Crawford.

1109. Ten years later, Marjorie Main.

1110. I swear I'm aging about as well as a beach party movie.

1111. Mmm, I'm happy for you. You've got it all.

1112. Now, if that idiot Ed would just settle down..

1113. You must be dying for a slap. That's the last thing I need.

1114. That's precisely my point. Ed is the very last thing you need.

1115. You've got the rest. Nice apartment, good job

1116. money enough to keep your figure and someone who depends on you.

1117. Now what you need is someone on whom you can depend.

1118. - Ed? Get real. - People change.

1119. Alan died, honey, not you.

1120. How Alice Faye can I get?

1121. (male on radio) 'It's 7:18 in the Big Apple.'

1122. 'This is High Tide with a dedication'

1123. 'from Butchie to Judy.'

1124. Think we should wake him? What if he oversleeps?

1125. - I'm not gonna survive! - He's up.

1126. David, What are you doing in that kitchen?

1127. I cleaned until 5:00 in the morning!

1128. - Where am I supposed to eat? - You ever hear of a restaurant.

1129. They cook and clean for you and my mother don't go there.

1130. Well, lemme break the good news to her.

1131. The suit should help soften the blow.

1132. - It's for David's Principal. - What, no bunny slippers?

1133. Ed, the phone number of that car service you promised?

1134. - Here. When do you expect her? - I don't know.

1135. She said early flight. I figure around noon.

1136. David! Get over here.

1137. Now, listen to me. I want you to cleanup that kitchen.

1138. Get your butt over to Murray's.

1139. And don't come home until I call you, huh?

1140. Yeah, ma.

1141. What?

1142. After all this time, why have you not told her about David?

1143. I told my mother, but she assumed he was my roommate.

1144. I didn't bother to correct her.

1145. I was crazy then. Alan had just died.

1146. I never told her how he was killed.

1147. She assumed it was a car accident.

1148. - I didn't correct her. - Unbelievable.

1149. What's unbelievable?

1150. You still haven't told your parents you're gay.

1151. Bisexual. Thank you.

1152. I told my mother when I was 13.

1153. - You knew when you were 13? - At 13, I knew everything.

1154. Senility set in sometime after.

1155. 'Hello, Murray? Hi.'

1156. Listen, I won't be coming over today, man.

1157. I got a temperature. And, um..

1158. Arnold told me to stay here in bed.

1159. Yeah. Oh, it's terrible. At least 102.

1160. I got to go, Murray. I'm very weak. Bye.

1161. - Is this a playground? - Yeah.

1162. Thank you.

1163. Was a pleasure meeting you all. Not one who gave me a seat.

1164. Thanks to you, gentlemen, I now have varicose veins.

1165. Wait, I got it.

1166. - Hey! - What?

1167. - Help! Mugger! - What? I'm not a mugger.

1168. You're a rapist..

1169. Would a rapist wear a three-piece suit? Ouch.

1170. How do I know? Maybe you got a wedding after.

1171. No, listen, Arnold had to go somewhere.

1172. So I waited for you, incase you got here before him.

1173. Oh. I'm sorry I kicked you.

1174. This is very, very nice of you to meet me.

1175. No sweat.

1176. I see Arnold left you his keys.

1177. - I got my own set. - Oh, really?

1178. This is probably none of my business

1179. and I hope you don't mind my asking.

1180. - Just who the hell are you? - I'm David.

1181. - David. The neighbor's kid? - I live with Arnold.

1182. - Would you like a drink? - Maybe later.

1183. Come on in.

1184. We've got everything all worked out for you

1185. even with Ed staying here.

1186. - Ed? - Arnold's friend.

1187. Friend friend or euphemism friend?

1188. He used to be a euphemism. Now he's just a friend.

1189. But with you stayin' here

1190. they'll both be sleeping on the couch.

1191. Who knows?

1192. - Have they got water here? - Sure.

1193. We cleaned all week for you. What do you think?

1194. I think we should sit down.

1195. Eh, David, tell me, you go to school?

1196. Yeah.

1197. Hey, are these oranges from Florida?

1198. Cuba. We were hijacked. But I'm not one to complain.

1199. - Funny. - Ha ha. Thanks.

1200. So..

1201. - You go to college? - High school.

1202. High school, how nice.

1203. - Senior? - Freshman.

1204. Freshman.

1205. That's very sweet.

1206. Tell me, David, just how old are you?

1207. Sixteen!

1208. In two months.

1209. Something wrong?

1210. Not at all.

1211. Sixteen in two months. That's wonderful.

1212. You've got your life ahead of you.

1213. While mine is flashing before my eyes.

1214. - More water? - More water.

1215. David, darling..

1216. Your parents, don't they think you're a little young

1217. to be out in the world all alone?

1218. No.

1219. But juvenile court did. So, here I am.

1220. I need to talk to Arnold.

1221. You could call the school, he had to meet with my principal.

1222. You mean real people know you live here?

1223. Why not? Lots of people live with their fathers.

1224. - Live with their what? - Their fathers.

1225. Hi, pop!

1226. 'So, mama tell me all about Florida.'

1227. Anyone special in your life?

1228. Not particularly.

1229. This Ed, he got married, didn't he?

1230. Right. So, how come you're not seeing anyone?

1231. Because the last thing I need is to become nursemaid

1232. to some alter kocker.

1233. So how come he's staying with you?

1234. He and his wife are separated.

1235. - Separated. How come? - I don't know.

1236. Arnold, the man is living with you.

1237. - He stayed on the couch. - So are you.

1238. - 'Cause your in my room.' - 'You're involved.'

1239. Ma!

1240. You must admit it sounds a little queer.

1241. A man leaves his wife and moves in with his old friend.

1242. I don't think the people who gave you David would approve.

1243. You wanna just drive.

1244. You've taken on a tremendous responsibility with this boy.

1245. You have to set him a good example.

1246. Giving a friend a place to stay is a bad example?

1247. I knew I should have kept my mouth to myself.

1248. Anyway, it's only for a few more weeks.

1249. What's for a few more weeks?

1250. You said he was with you on a one year basis.

1251. So, it's already more than 10 months.

1252. So, what do you think happens then?

1253. - He leaves. - No, ma. You misunderstood.

1254. Yes, David's with me on a one year trial basis

1255. but after that if we agree and Bureau Of Child Welfare allows

1256. I'm going to legally adopt him.

1257. Believe me, ma, if I have anything to say about it.

1258. - David's not leaving. - Stop the car.

1259. Frankly, you've done crazy things—

1260. Adopting David is not a crazy thing.

1261. It is a wonderful thing. I happen to be very proud of.

1262. If your so proud, how come you're ashamed to tell me.

1263. Everything else you tell me.

1264. You shove your sex life down my throat.

1265. Every hour on the hour.

1266. But all this time, not a word. Why?

1267. Your not an easy person to talk to.

1268. Why? Do I tell you how to run your life?

1269. Listen to me, my son, I realized a long time ago

1270. that no matter what I thought or how I felt

1271. you and your brother were gonna do exactly as you felt.

1272. You want to know why you didn't tell me?

1273. - Because you knew it was wrong. - That is not true.

1274. No? Why?

1275. I don't know.

1276. So what else is new?

1277. That's it. Honestly, I've had it up to here with you.

1278. Your father left these plots to you, this is what you want to do

1279. with them, fine. That's your business.

1280. I will not stand here and watch you spit on your father's grave!

1281. - What? - What you think you're doing?

1282. - What do you— - What are you doing?

1283. I'm doing the same thing you're doing.

1284. No! I'm reciting Kaddish for my husband.

1285. You're blaspheming your religion.

1286. You know who this is? This is my lover.

1287. Wait. Wait. Wait.

1288. You're gonna compare my marriage to you and Alan?

1289. Your father and I were married for 35 years

1290. we'd two children together, you dare compare yourself to that?

1291. - I'm talking about the loss. - What loss did you have?

1292. You fooled around with some boy.

1293. Where do you come to compare with a marriage of 35 years?

1294. Come on, Arnold. This isn't one of your pals you're talking to.

1295. I lost someone I loved very much.

1296. So you felt bad. Maybe you even cried a little.

1297. What would you know what I felt? 35 years I lived with this man.

1298. He got sick, I took him to the hospital.

1299. You know what they gave me back? I gave them a man.

1300. They gave me a place to visit on holy days.

1301. How could you possibly know how I felt?

1302. It took two months before I could sleep in our bed alone.

1303. And a year, it took me a year

1304. before I could say, I instead of we.

1305. And you're gonna tell me you are mourning.

1306. How dare you!

1307. You're right, ma. How dare I?

1308. I couldn't possibly know how it feels to take somebody's things

1309. put it in plastic bags and watch garbage men take 'em away.

1310. Or how it feels when you forget

1311. and you set him his place at the table.

1312. How about the food that rots in the refrigerator

1313. 'cause you forgot how to shop for one.

1314. How dare I, right, ma? How dare I?

1315. Believe me, ma, you had it easy. You had 35 years together, ma.

1316. You have friends, you have relatives.

1317. You know who I had? I had me.

1318. You know what my friend said?

1319. What the fuck are you carrying on about?

1320. At least you had a lover. That's right. You had it easy.

1321. You lost your husband in a nice, clean hospital.

1322. You know where I lost mine? On the street.

1323. That's right. They killed him on the street.

1324. Twenty seven years old, laying dead on the street.

1325. Killed by a bunch of kids with baseball bats.

1326. That's right, ma. Killed by children.

1327. Children taught by people like you

1328. 'cause everybody knows that queers don't matter.

1329. Queers don't love!

1330. And those that do, deserve what they get.

1331. Taxi!

1332. 'Action!'

1333. I'll get it.

1334. You must be Ed.

1335. How do you do? I'm the mother.

1336. Nice to have met you.

1337. Whoops.

1338. Whoops?

1339. Ed, did you say "whoops?"

1340. No, Ed.

1341. Whoops is when you fall down an elevator shaft.

1342. Whoops is when you skinny dip in a school of piranha.

1343. Whoops is when you accidentally douche with Drano.

1344. 'No, Ed.'

1345. This was no whoops.

1346. This was an argh.

1347. Come on, David. We're dining out.

1348. Good idea.

1349. Good Luck.

1350. Round Two.

1351. Mama.

1352. You can come out now. We got the whole joint to fight in.

1353. 'Enjoy yourself. I'm going to bed.'

1354. Ma, I'm sorry I lost my temper.

1355. 'I'm glad you're sorry.'

1356. Mama, we've gotta talk about this.

1357. You don't wanna talk, you want to fight.

1358. I don't fight with my children.

1359. Did you ever hear your father and me fight?

1360. No. And you wanna know why?

1361. Because all my childhood I listened to fights.

1362. My father fought with my mother.

1363. Mother fought with my brother. Brother fought with me.

1364. When I married I said, "Jack, I will talk, but won't fight."

1365. Did you ever hear us fight? No! And now you know why.

1366. And don't holler.

1367. People say things they don't mean when they holler

1368. and you've said quite enough.

1369. I won't holler. You just hit a wrong nerve before.

1370. We will not discuss Alan or daddy.

1371. Only David.

1372. Arnold, darling, what do you know from raising a child?

1373. What's to know? Whenever there's a problem

1374. I simply imagine how you would solve it.

1375. And then I do the opposite.

1376. That's what you invited me here for to insult me

1377. and spit on your father's grave?

1378. Oh, ma. God.

1379. Arnold, you live your life the way you want.

1380. I put my fist in my mouth, I don't say a word.

1381. But think about the boy. He sees you living like this.

1382. 'Don't you think it's bound to affect him?'

1383. Ma, David is gay.

1384. He's been here less than a year.

1385. He came that way.

1386. Nobody comes that way.

1387. What an opening.

1388. Everything by you is a joke.

1389. The world has gone completely insane

1390. and I'm heading south for summer.

1391. You make it difficult to have an intelligent conversation.

1392. You want an intelligent conversation? Do what I do.

1393. Talk to yourself. It's the only way.

1394. Don't you understand the whole reason David was placed here

1395. so that he grows with a positive attitude of his homosexuality.

1396. Arnold, gay gives into hate. I don't care anymore.

1397. You're not gonna put me in my grave like your father.

1398. - Now I killed my father. - No, of course not.

1399. He was thrilled to have a fairy for a son.

1400. You walk into a room and say "Hi, dad. I'm queer."

1401. And that's that? Is that why we brought you into the world for?

1402. Believe me, if I had known I wouldn't have bothered.

1403. God should tear out my tongue

1404. I should talk to my child like that.

1405. Arnold, you're a good person.

1406. A sensitive person with a heart kinda like your father.

1407. I try to love you and forget this, but you won't let me.

1408. You haven't spoken one sentence without the word gay in it.

1409. 'Cause it's what I am.

1410. If that's all, leave it in there where it belongs.

1411. But you're obsessed with it.

1412. You're not happy unless everybody's talking about it.

1413. Try and imagine the world the other way around.

1414. Imagine that every book, every magazine, every TV show

1415. every movie, was telling you, you should be homosexual.

1416. You know you're not. You know to you this is—

1417. Stop already. You're talking crazy.

1418. You wanna know what's crazy?

1419. After all these years, I'm still sitting here

1420. trying to justify my life. This is crazy.

1421. You call this a life? This is a sickness.

1422. But it's what you've chosen for yourself.

1423. Ma, look, I'm gay. I don't know why.

1424. I don't think anyone does. That's what I am.

1425. Far as I can remember

1426. before I knew it was different or even wrong—

1427. You have not heard one word I've said.

1428. I know you'd rather I was straight. I'm not.

1429. 'Would you also rather I'd lied to you?'

1430. My friend, Ed would never dream of telling his parents.

1431. Instead he cut his parents out of his life.

1432. And his parents wonder why. Why is my child so distant?

1433. - Is that what you rather? - No.

1434. But it doesn't have to be our every conversation either.

1435. You wanna be a part of my life

1436. I'm not editing out the things you don't like.

1437. - Can we end this conversation? - No!

1438. God..

1439. There's one more thing you better understand.

1440. I've taught myself to sew, cook, fix plumbing, build furniture

1441. I can even pat myself on the back when necessary.

1442. All so I don't have to ask anyone for anything.

1443. There's nothing I need from anyone

1444. except for love and respect.

1445. And anyone who can't give me those two things

1446. has no place in my life.

1447. You're my mother.

1448. 'I love you.'

1449. I do, but..

1450. If you can't respect me, you've got no business being here.

1451. - You're throwing me out? - Ma, I'm trying to—

1452. Throwing me out. Isn't that nice?

1453. Listen, mister.

1454. You get one mother in this world. Only one.

1455. Wait. You just wait.

1456. - 'Yeah, hello.' - Ed, it's Murray.

1457. - Is Arnold there? - Well, isn't he at work?

1458. 'He ran outta here after the first show'

1459. 'and he never came back. Where would he go?'

1460. Where you going, boys? I just got here.

1461. Hello, boys. Line forms to the left.

1462. - Arnold, come on. - What?

1463. Say goodnight to your friends.

1464. - Come on, we're going home. - I had you.

1465. I don't want to go home. She's there.

1466. Spring and Thomson.

1467. Your mother said she's leaving.

1468. She didn't want to stay the night

1469. but she couldn't get a flight out till morning.

1470. She was gonna spend the night at the airport

1471. but I got her calmed down.

1472. She'd stay, if you asked her.

1473. Why did you get drunk?

1474. Hello? Anybody home?

1475. Sometimes you really frighten me, Ed.

1476. You care to talk about it, huh?

1477. I am upset. I am uptight.

1478. I am up to my nipples in southern comfort.

1479. And you're trying to take advantage of me.

1480. Fine.

1481. I want another chance with you. Arnold, please listen to me.

1482. Look, Arnold. I'm 40 years old.

1483. You know what that means, Arnold?

1484. It means it's time for me to stop jerking around.

1485. The time I've spent with you and David

1486. it's been... the closest thing to whatever it is I want.

1487. Are you listening to me?

1488. (taxi driver) $2.25

1489. Thanks.

1490. Look, I know you're upset about your mother.

1491. That's not it.

1492. Then maybe it's too soon after Alan.

1493. - Ed, leave me alone. - But then what?

1494. Ed, are you forgetting why we broke up in the first place?

1495. You really think that you could bring your friends here?

1496. You think that you could introduce me to your parents

1497. as your lover, and David as our son?

1498. Ed.

1499. Angel, I just threw my mother, my mother, out of the house.

1500. All she wanted was not talk about it.

1501. 'You really think I'm going to ask less from you?'

1502. (male announcer on radio) 'We've got a dedication now'

1503. 'from Beulah to Michael.'

1504. 'Thinking of you.'

1505. I ever tell you about the time

1506. that Alan called in one of these shows?

1507. You told me.

1508. And how they read the dedication wrong?

1509. You told me.

1510. Oh, it was so romantic.

1511. You told me.

1512. Come on, champ. Breakfast's on me.

1513. Do we ever get to have a real meal again?

1514. Oh, let's go.

1515. Wait up, then. I've got to do something first.

1516. Listen, um..

1517. What we talked about last night.

1518. I think it's time to find out.

1519. I love you, Arnold.

1520. Ahem, Um.. David are you coming?

1521. In a minute!

1522. It was a pleasure meeting you, Mrs. Beckoff.

1523. Pleasure was mine, Ed.

1524. I hope you and your wife come to your senses.

1525. Couples have to learn to live with conflict.

1526. After all, a problem is never as permanent as a solution.

1527. Thank You.

1528. David.

1529. Well, young man, it's been an experience.

1530. Same here.

1531. Sorry, I scared you yesterday.

1532. Maybe someday I can do the same for you.

1533. I'll be leaving myself now.

1534. Ma, you don't have to go. You can stay.

1535. What? With your brother? No. It's better he doesn't know.

1536. I'll call him from Miami, tell him I couldn't come this week.

1537. No, I'll call him and I'm gonna tell him what happened.

1538. You want to turn him against me too?

1539. What else do you wanna do? You want me to leave? I'm leaving.

1540. You want me to fight? I'm too tired.

1541. You want me to change? I'm too old. I can't.

1542. So, you do what you have to do. And I'll do what I have to do.

1543. - And I hope you're satisfied. - Oh, God.

1544. If I had opened a mouth to my mother the way you did to me

1545. you'd be talking to a woman with a size six wedgie

1546. sticking out of her forehead.

1547. 'I didn't raise my children like that.'

1548. I wanted my children to respect me because they wanted to.

1549. Not because I beat it into them.

1550. We're going to start this all over again?

1551. Yes! Because it's not fair to put all the blame on me.

1552. You think I didn't know about you? Believe me, I knew, I knew.

1553. But I said, no. I hoped.

1554. What's the difference? I knew when I turned my back.

1555. But I wasn't the only one, you turned your back on me too.

1556. You opened a mouth to me about your friend, Alan.

1557. How was I supposed to know?

1558. All of a sudden, you would have understood?

1559. Maybe, you don't know. You never trusted me enough to tell me.

1560. - You never said a word. - So you could have said what?

1561. "Ah, he's better off dead," right?

1562. Maybe I could have comforted you, told you what to expect.

1563. You cheated me out of your life

1564. and then blamed me for not being there.

1565. About this Ed..

1566. you love him?

1567. I don't know.

1568. Yeah, I think so.

1569. Like you loved Alan?

1570. No.

1571. They're very different.

1572. Anyway, it's easier to love someone who's dead.

1573. 'They make so few mistakes.'

1574. You've got an unusual way of looking at things, Arnold.

1575. I think it runs in the family.

1576. Ma..

1577. I miss him.

1578. Give yourself time, Arnold. It gets better.

1579. But, Arnold, it never goes away.

1580. You can work longer hours

1581. adopt a son, fight with me, whatever. It'll still be there.

1582. But that's alright, it becomes a part of you

1583. like learning to wear a ring or a pair of eye glasses.

1584. You get used to it and it's good.

1585. It's good because it makes sure you don't forget.

1586. You don't want to forget him, do you?

1587. No.

1588. So it's good.

1589. You'd better get that.

1590. It might be something about that son of yours.

1591. Hello.

1592. Oh, hi, Dav... what?

1593. Alright. Yes, I'm turning. Alright. I'm turning.

1594. It's David.

1595. Something about the radio.

1596. 'Turn it on. Turn it on.'

1597. (announcer on radio) 'No, I just checked with my producer who took the call'

1598. 'he has confirmed. For whatever it's worth, here it is.'

1599. 'A dedication from David to Arnold. With all his love.'

1600. You hear that, ma?

1601. Stupid kid.

1602. Oh, God, mama, He's such a special..

1603. Ma, You're not even listening.

1604. Mama.