Tommy Boy (1995)

1. Tommy, hurry up!

2. You're gonna be late for school again!

3. Son of a...

4. Damn!

5. Nice doggy.

6. Holy shnikes.

7. Late again, Tommy? You're pathetic.

8. Shut up, Richard.

9. Come on, Tommy!

10. Hurry up!

11. Hurry up, Tommy!

12. Damn.

13. Hi, how are ya?

14. Oh, man!

15. Oh, please, God!

16. Son of a...

17. Oh, yeah, man.

18. Alright. Come on.

19. Looks good to me.

20. Excuse me.

21. I'm sorry. Sorry. Pardon me.

22. Can I just check this out?

23. D+?

24. Oh, my God.

25. I passed!

26. I passed!

27. Oh, man!

28. I got a D+!

29. I'm gonna graduate!

30. I wish we'd known each other. This is a little awkward.

31. I'm gonna graduate! Gimme five!

32. I'm gonna graduate!

33. Oh, man!

34. Hey, guys. Do I look different now that I'm a college grad?

35. Not really.

36. Apparently, they give a lot fewer D-pluses than D-minuses.

37. It's not a grade they like to give out.

38. I'll tell ya that right now.

39. Yeah. You mentioned that.

40. So, that's it for school, huh?

41. - Now what? - No idea.

42. But for now, I'll probably go back

43. and work at my dad's loading dock like always.

44. Then, after that, figure it out.

45. I'm gonna miss you, man. You're the best.

46. You were the best.

47. I love all you guys.

48. Especially you.

49. I wanna make a toast.

50. To the best bunch of rugby freaks

51. - ever born. - Sure.

52. Maybe we weren't the smartest guys on campus.

53. Maybe we spent a little too much time puking off balconies.

54. But we had fun, huh?

55. Yeah!

56. Now, some of us are leaving, and that is sad.

57. But this isn't the end. No way.

58. We're gonna show this world a thing or two.

59. We're gonna show...

60. Richard Hayden?

61. Tommy.

62. So where's my dad? I thought he was gonna meet me at the airport.

63. He was here this morning, but you weren't on the plane.

64. He said he had a surprise for me.

65. Maybe. I guess you shoulda called.

66. I did call earlier, when using the phone.

67. Earlier? When was that?

68. Later. When...

69. Then I left a message.

70. A message? What number did you call?

71. Two, four, nine-er...

72. five, six, seven, eight...

73. I can't hear you. You're trailing off.

74. And did I catch a "nine-er" in there?

75. Were you calling from a walkie-talkie?

76. No, it was cordless.

77. You know what? Don't. Not here, not now.

78. Did you hear I finally graduated?

79. Yeah, in just a shade under a decade too. Alright.

80. A lot of people go to college for seven years.

81. I know. They're called doctors.

82. That has to be you.

83. Spray that thing for bugs?

84. Hey, what happened to the tyre plant?

85. Shut it down last month.

86. Hey, would you mind not eating in the car? It's kind of a rule.

87. Still got your GTX car, huh?

88. Yep. And I dropped in a 440 Magnum with a Six Pack.

89. You hang on to a car this cherry, kinda like your suitcase.

90. "Kinda like your suitcase."

91. Hey, what's new with the old gang from high school?

92. I don't know, Tommy.

93. I didn't really like the old gang from high school.

94. Hey, the muffler plant's gone too.

95. Yep.

96. Come on! Dammit!

97. That sounds good.

98. Melted chocolate inside the dash.

99. That really ups the resale value.

100. I think you're gonna be okay here.

101. They have a thin candy shell.

102. I'm surprised you didn't know that.

103. I think your brain has a thick candy shell.

104. Your... your brain has the shell on it.

105. - Are you talking? - Shut up, Richard.

106. Ron, don't tell me the bank thinks we need to wait it out.

107. Any business that tries to wait it out

108. will be just that - out.

109. In auto parts, you're either growing or you're dying.

110. There ain't no third direction.

111. Tom, you're talking about a huge loan.

112. Maybe instead of borrowing you should take on a partner.

113. No. This always has been and always will be a family firm.

114. My grandfather founded it in '21.

115. My father kept it running during the depression.

116. My Aunt Aileen ran it when he went away to war

117. and someday my son will run it.

118. Hi, Dad.

119. Tommy!

120. Damn, I'm proud of you, Mr. Big-Time College Grad!

121. Thanks, Dad.

122. You're looking great, kid.

123. Thanks, Mr. Rittenhauer.

124. How ya doing, Mr. Reilly?

125. Real good.

126. I had a kidney removed last April, but I still have the other one.

127. Yeah, you remember Mr. Gilmore from the bank?

128. - Yeah. Nice to see you again, sir. - How are ya?

129. Listen, why don't you come out on the floor with us?

130. Gilmore needs reminding of why he does business with us.

131. - Richard, could you... - Yeah.

132. Run these figures by accounting. No problem.

133. My fellow nerds and I will retire to the nerdery with our calculators.

134. - Come on! - We should have something for you

135. by this afternoon.

136. Hard hats, gentlemen.

137. You get hit in the head without wearing one of these

138. they scoop your brains out with a goddamn soup ladle.

139. Hey! Look alive! Low bridge!

140. Son of a...

141. - You all right, Tommy? - Yeah.

142. - What happened? - Nothing.

143. Danny! How's that new son-in-law?

144. He's a real pain in the butt.

145. Hey, Tommy, you're back! Hey, way to go on that D-plus.

146. Hey, thanks, Danny. Lookin' good, man.

147. - Hey, Tommy! - Hey, man! How ya doin'?

148. Hey, how are ya?

149. Good to see ya. How ya doin'?

150. Hi, Tommy!

151. - Hey, Sammy! - Hey, Tommy! Welcome home, buddy.

152. Hey, Tommy, welcome back.

153. Hang in there, Ron. We're almost there.

154. Lou, I got some papers I want you to sign in the office.

155. - Hey, Louis! - Hey, Tommy!

156. What are you doing on the floor?

157. Yeah, I was going crazy on the loading docks

158. so your dad moved me in here.

159. - Hey, what is this thing? - It's a buffer.

160. I take oil filters that need smoothing and give 'em a quick zap.

161. - Can I try one? - Help yourself.

162. Nice distance.

163. Tommy! Come on! Let's go!

164. Yes, sir! See ya.

165. Here she is, Ron. My dream.

166. This, my friend, is our new brake-pad division

167. and the future of Callahan Auto.

168. Quite a sight, Tom.

169. This is awesome!

170. You say these brake pads are gonna revolutionize the industry?

171. Composed of high-grade steel and graphite.

172. They're the goddamn Rolls Royce of brake pads, that's what they are.

173. I get tears in my eyes just thinking about it.

174. Hey, you're coming awful fast. How ya doin'?

175. I need fresh capital for material, for a new work force

176. before I can turn these machines on.

177. Look out. I've got cat-like speed and reflexes.

178. Now, in 23 years, have I ever said no to you?

179. Why say no when it feels so good to say yes?

180. I was checking the specs on the end line for the rotary girder...

181. I'm retarded. I'm...

182. Okay, Tom. Let's go.

183. Yes, sir.

184. Okay, left.

185. Hey, can I open my eyes now, Dad?

186. I told you you didn't have to close them in the first place, son.

187. Yeah, go ahead. Open 'em up.

188. - That's my name! - Yeah.

189. That's your new office now, college grad! Go on in there!

190. Awesome.

191. Hey, there's even a fridge!

192. This is great!

193. You could put six-packs of b... soda in here.

194. Milk, yoghurt...

195. You could put candy bars in the freezer.

196. Anything that you wanna keep cool.

197. Mr. Callahan, I need your John Hancock on these reports.

198. "John Hancock".

199. It's Herbie Hancock.

200. Richard, check out my new office.

201. You have a window. And why shouldn't you?

202. You've been here ten minutes.

203. Now, look, son. These are our new catalogues.

204. Get to know them. They're important.

205. Richard

206. you've gotta promise me you'll look after Tommy boy here

207. 'til he gets his feet wet.

208. Sure. And thanks for choosing me.

209. Now, don't forget, we're going home early today.

210. I got another surprise for ya.

211. Cool. Thanks, Dad.

212. It's called reading. Top to bottom, left to right.

213. Grouped words together is a sentence.

214. Take Tylenol for any headaches, Midol for any cramps.

215. Shut up.

216. Can I open my eyes now, Dad?

217. For God's sakes, son, will you quit covering your damn eyes?

218. Holy shnikes.

219. Is that for me?

220. No, son, that's for me.

221. Oh, man. Dad, she's like a ten.

222. - Hi, honey. - Hi.

223. - Hi. - This must be Tommy.

224. - Are you Tommy? - I'm Tommy.

225. I'm Beverly, and you are just adorable.

226. Nah...

227. Son, I...

228. I got an announcement to make.

229. Tom, I've asked Beverly to be my wife.

230. Man!

231. What'd she say?

232. It's so cool that you're getting married Saturday.

233. So, where'd you guys meet?

234. Here you go, sweetie.

235. We met at a fat-farm spa-resort thing.

236. Beverly was one of the trainers.

237. In fact, she was the only one of the trainers

238. I didn't want to plant six feet under a lettuce patch.

239. Wait till you hear this. Wait till you hear this, Tommy.

240. She's got a son.

241. He worked at the spa too.

242. I met him. He's a terrific guy. You're really gonna like him.

243. He's coming here today for the wedding.

244. Tommy, it sounds funny saying this

245. but my son is going to be your new brother.

246. Brother? I'm gonna have a brother?

247. I've always dreamed about having a brother!

248. Speak of the devil.

249. A brother!

250. - Brother? - I'm Paul.

251. You must be Tommy.

252. Brothers don't shake hands. Brothers gotta hug.

253. I can't believe I have a whole new family. This is awesome.

254. Yeah. Great.

255. No offense, but if I sent a picture of your mom

256. to some of my buddies at school

257. she'd definitely be Boner of the Month.

258. I'm honored. So is there anything to do in this town besides eat?

259. Tons of stuff. Late-night pitch-and-putt.

260. We go to the livestock auction and cruise the 4-H babes.

261. Throw stuff off the bridge. What do you feel like doing?

262. I don't know. Something a little more dangerous.

263. Sure. All you can handle, bro.

264. Look at 'em there.

265. Pretty maids all in a row.

266. I want the one on the left. She's perfect.

267. Which one do you want? Huh?

268. Okay.

269. Does it make a difference?

270. Oh, yeah.

271. Wait a second. Is this your first time?

272. Yeah, Tommy, it is.

273. You're gonna remember this the rest of your life!

274. I can't believe you've never been cow tipping before.

275. Get ready to live.

276. She's sleeping.

277. What you do is, you put your shoulder into her, and you push.

278. And?

279. They fall over.

280. And this doesn't strike you as kind of dumb?

281. We're family. We're gonna be doing lots of dumb stuff together.

282. Wait till Christmas.

283. You keep your feet shoulder width apart.

284. Stay between the udder and the hock.

285. It's a 32 belly option. On two, on two.

286. Ready. Hut! Hut!

287. Son of a...

288. Holy shnikes!

289. Hey! Get off my property!

290. Run for it!

291. I'll save you, brother!

292. I'm okay. Get away from me!

293. - Get up! I love you! - I can walk.

294. Hey, get me. My turn. Over here.

295. These shoes are Italian. They're worth more than your life.

296. Man, did I get douched with mud!

297. Hey, Chucko. That doesn't smell like mud.

298. Oh, man, that's cold!

299. I'm a maniac

300. Maniac on the floor

301. And I'm dancing like I've never danced before

302. Did you eat a lot of paint chips when you were a kid?

303. Why?

304. Morning, Ricky.

305. Luke.

306. Luke, I am your father.

307. I've interrupted Happy Time.

308. Look, your father wants you to check out

309. the delay problems we're having at the loading dock.

310. Now, I know you'd love to just sit there and keep being not slim

311. but we gotta work a little today, okay?

312. - That was from Star Wars. - I know.

313. RT, I think I figured out the problem.

314. This order's going to Columbus.

315. That's a one-day delivery, but you've got it marked down for two.

316. That's because it's going to Columbus, Georgia.

317. Not Columbus, Ohio.

318. You see these letters by the city?

319. That's called a state.

320. What else you got, wonder boy?

321. That's pretty much it for now.

322. Hey, Tommy, maybe you should go back to college for another seven years

323. and study a globe.

324. - Tommy Callahan? - Huh?

325. Michelle Brock. Chaparral High. Remember?

326. Oh, yeah, I remember. I sat next to you in history.

327. You work here?

328. It's so bizarre that you work here.

329. Come on in.

330. And forget about RT. He's just pissed off

331. 'cause he recently found out what a loser he is.

332. "What a loser he is".

333. Hey, nice!

334. How come we don't put the files in the file cabinets?

335. - I don't like file cabinets. - Why not?

336. You have to open 'em.

337. I've got my own system. Hasn't failed me yet.

338. All the shipping orders go through me

339. which means I spend about half of my pathetically anal life in here.

340. So if I couldn't do things my own way

341. I'd probably freak out and blow up the whole town.

342. Cool!

343. Hey, remember your brother Duane? Whatever ever happened to him?

344. We used to go to Safeway all the time

345. and get caught trying to steal doughnuts.

346. He's a cop.

347. He had to get a real job when my parents moved to Cuyahoga Falls.

348. - Want one? - I'd better not.

349. I have what doctors call a little bit of a weight problem.

350. I used to grab bear claws as a kid, two at a time.

351. And I'd get 'em lodged right in this region here.

352. How about some coffee?

353. I'd love some.

354. Man, I bet half the town's here.

355. Yeah.

356. You look great, Dad.

357. You look good too, Tommy boy.

358. Listen, Tommy, this marriage thing. I know it's a big step.

359. But, you know, it... Ever since your mom died...

360. Well...

361. Look, Tommy, there's something about getting old and being alone...

362. I... Something...

363. Dad...

364. it's cool.

365. You know? I just want you to be happy.

366. Yeah, I know you do. And I am, kid.

367. I am happy, Tommy boy.

368. They're ready for you, sir.

369. Good! We're ready too.

370. So...

371. how do we look?

372. Chubby?

373. I think that's the champagne talking.

374. And so these vows are held sacred from now until eternity.

375. If there's any person who finds a reason these two should not be wed

376. speak now or forever hold your peace.

377. You kiddin'?

378. Go got 'em, Tom!

379. Now, by the powers vested in me by the State of Ohio

380. I now pronounce you man and wife.

381. You may kiss the bride.

382. Yeah!

383. I know you wanna leave me

384. But I refuse to let you go

385. If I have to beg and plead for your sympathy

386. I don't mind 'cause you mean that much to me

387. - Hey, guys. - Now, look.

388. Say something to the bride and groom.

389. Hey, Dad and Beverly.

390. This is Michelle Brock, the prettiest gal in Sandusky.

391. Michelle, say a little something into the camera.

392. A little something into the camera.

393. Sounds good, Tom

394. but I'd like to take a look at your operation before I commit.

395. Fair enough, Doug.

396. Course, I could get a hell of a good look at a T-bone steak

397. by sticking my head up a bull's ass

398. but I'd rather take the butcher's word for it.

399. "Bull's ass". That's great.

400. Then you guarantee everything you sell?

401. I could guarantee you all day long

402. but we both know a guarantee is only as good as the man who writes it.

403. Sounds good, Tom. I'll send the contract next week.

404. Alright. Good man.

405. You're still the best, Tom.

406. Eight whiskey sours and I still sell the son of a bitch. Damn! I'm good.

407. I just wanna tell ya, you really look dynamite today, Beverly.

408. Yeah, Tom, you are a lucky man.

409. Boy, would I like to get some of that?

410. Good Lord.

411. Oh, God. No. Listen, Richard, you got an edit button on that thing?

412. It'll cost ya!

413. Come here, you little prick.

414. All right, hold it a second, folks. Wait a minute.

415. Yeah, it's working.

416. Listen, I want to thank you all

417. for coming today to welcome two new Callahans to the family:

418. My beautiful wife Beverly and my new son Paul!

419. I feel like the luckiest man in the world today.

420. - Hit it! - Three, four!

421. But right now, I'm gonna need you, Tommy boy, to get this place going.

422. But me, Dad?

423. Yeah, you, Tommy boy. Get up.

424. Dad, I really don't think...

425. Okay.

426. First rocker, take it, Tommy boy!

427. Hey, mama, don't you treat me wrong

428. Come and love me, baby, all night long

429. Testify, Tommy boy. Testify!

430. - All right now - Oh, yeah, there we go.

431. Tell me what'd I say

432. Second rocker, me!

433. See the girl with the diamond ring

434. She knows how to twist that thing

435. That's right, Dad.

436. - Hey, hey - Come on now, Dad.

437. All right now

438. Tell me what'd I say

439. What did I say?

440. Hit the heys and the hos.

441. Hey

442. Hey

443. Ho

444. - Hey - Ho

445. Hey, hey, hey, hey

446. Baby, one more time

447. Come on now!

448. Hear what I say

449. Yeah, what'd I say?

450. Come on now! Feels...

451. - Dad? - Somebody call 911!

452. There's not much more we can say, really.

453. We've lost someone we loved, and it hurts.

454. Even though Tom is gone

455. he'll remain in our lives for ever

456. comforting us, making us laugh

457. and watching over us.

458. My dad gave me this boat.

459. We'd come out here late at night when there was no one else on the lake

460. and then he'd be over there on the shore

461. and he'd yell "Quit playing with your dinghy!"

462. I'm gonna really miss him.

463. Your father was a great guy.

464. Yeah.

465. I'm really glad you brought me out here.

466. I can't believe you wanted to.

467. Although it's pretty fun.

468. If we had some wind...

469. I can't believe there's no wind. You need wind, 'cause it...

470. - Helps push the sail. - Yeah.

471. So, what are you gonna do now?

472. I don't know. But... I gotta do something.

473. I don't know what.

474. Man, do I sound like an idiot?

475. No.

476. Sorry about this wind.

477. I can't believe there isn't any wind out here. This is ridiculous.

478. No, it's great.

479. It's very... peaceful.

480. Hey, Tubbo! You ain't moving!

481. Yeah. Need a little wind here!

482. No. You need to drop a couple of hundred pounds, blimp!

483. Rascals.

484. I guess that's your theory!

485. So we'll see what happens tomorrow.

486. Hey! Your sail is limp! Like your dick!

487. Watch your language in front of the lady, punk!

488. Jeez.

489. You were saying...

490. Hey, Gilligan! Did you eat the skipper?

491. You better pray to the god of skinny punks that this wind doesn't pick up!

492. 'Cause I'll come over there and jam an oar up your ass!

493. Jeepers creepers.

494. Those guys keep interrupting us. I'm sorry about that.

495. You were saying about the...

496. Hey, lady, look out!

497. There's a fat whale on your boat!

498. Yeah! Free Willy!

499. Listen up, you little spazoids!

500. I know where you live and I've seen where you sleep!

501. I swear to everything holy

502. that your mothers will cry when they see what I've done to you!

503. I was just kidding. I have no idea where they live.

504. That was awesome.

505. Ladies and gentlemen, we're in real trouble.

506. Zalinsky Industries has an offer on the table to buy us out.

507. But as you realise, Callahan has been family-owned

508. since Tommy's great-grandfather laid the first brick

509. and I'll be damned if that's gonna change on my watch.

510. Frank, if we sell while our value's still high

511. everyone who owns stock in this company

512. stands to make a lot of money.

513. That, of course, includes you, Mrs. Callahan.

514. Now that you and Tommy are the primary shareholders.

515. It seems vulgar to think about money at a time like this.

516. I don't wanna hear the word "sell" again.

517. But Ron, we do need that loan to keep us afloat until we figure things out.

518. I'm sorry, Frank. We can't do it.

519. Tom got in way over his head when he built the new brake pad division.

520. The bank just can't take a chance on putting up any more money.

521. Now, let's face it, when Big Tom died

522. Callahan Auto may have died with him.

523. If this factory goes under, the whole town goes under.

524. And that's when the whores come in.

525. Here we go.

526. Excuse me? What was that?

527. Men laying their trick money down. Twenty dollars to pay the rent?

528. Maybe instead I'll spend it on the whore.

529. Frank, I really don't think we have any choice.

530. Maybe I can help.

531. I'll give you everything I've got, my house, the stock.

532. If I give you that stuff as collateral

533. then will you give us that loan?

534. Well... yes, I suppose so.

535. Wait a second. What are you saying, Tommy?

536. You just wanna hand over your inheritance?

537. Right. If it'll help get the brake pads going.

538. My dad said the new pads were the future at Callahan.

539. But who's going to sell them?

540. I will. I'll go on my dad's sales trip.

541. I'll be damned.

542. Whores running around doing their little behind-shake for the menfolk.

543. I kind of like her idea.

544. For Christ's sake.

545. Once, during the war, I visited a prostitute

546. and my life has been a living hell ever since.

547. Now, hold on a minute.

548. Do we really wanna put the future of the company in Tommy's hands?

549. We're running low on options here, Ted.

550. I can hold out Zalinsky for a couple of weeks.

551. What have we got to lose?

552. How about the jobs of 300 people?

553. No offense, Tommy, but you don't know the first thing about brake pads.

554. Hey

555. I know I'm probably not the answer you guys are looking for

556. but I feel like I oughta do something.

557. You're right.

558. I don't know much about this stuff.

559. But he does.

560. - Oh, no. - That's right.

561. Richard knows more about brake pads than anyone in here.

562. And since you were my dad's right-hand man...

563. I'd say you have the rest of the year pretty much wide open.

564. Time out. Bad idea.

565. I don't think anyone can help baby Huey out there on the road.

566. Do you have a better suggestion?

567. I can actually hear you getting fatter.

568. What did I say about eating in the car, anyway?

569. That it's not good, 'cause it spoils your dinner?

570. Hey, Tommy, this is not a vacation for me.

571. I'm out here against my will.

572. The least you can do is pretend to work.

573. Okay? Now let's review.

574. Okay, you're right. Review time. Let's do it up. Feed me!

575. First, what are the three grades of Callahan brake pads?

576. Personal, commercial, and... agricultural.

577. And what is our carrying charge for all the merchandise in the warehouse?

578. Oh, man...

579. One and a...

580. Half per cent! I knew that!

581. Why can't I remember it?

582. Try an association like...

583. let's say the average person uses 10% of their brain.

584. How much do I use? One and a half percent.

585. The rest is clogged with malted hops and bong resin.

586. I gotta do this!

587. I've gotta be the one. I've gotta do this.

588. It's gotta be me. It's gotta be...

589. Are you ready?

590. Yeah. Sorry. I'm ready.

591. Hey, does this suit make me look fat?

592. No. Your face does.

593. Okay. Let's check you out.

594. Right.

595. It's a clip-on.

596. Are you sure?

597. Alright. Now, it's sale time, so remember: We don't take no...

598. No shit from anyone!

599. No.

600. We don't take no prisoners.

601. We don't take no for an answer.

602. Yeah. We don't take no for an answer.

603. We don't take no for an answer.

604. - No. - Okey-dokey.

605. - No. - Gotcha. Thanks.

606. Terrific. Thanks for your time.

607. Let me say...

608. maybe.

609. Well, then...

610. I'd just like to add

611. that the spectrometer read-out on the nickel-cadmium alloy mix

612. indicates a good rich Strobe and Fade

613. decreasing incidence of wear to the pressure plate.

614. - You could just... - Little fella.

615. You're not speaking my language.

616. What my associate is trying to say is that...

617. Our new brake pads are really cool. You're not even gonna believe it.

618. Like...

619. let's say you're driving along the road with your family

620. and you're driving along...

621. And all of a sudden, there's a truck tire

622. in the middle of the road and you hit the brakes.

623. That was close.

624. Now, let's see what happens

625. when you're driving with "the other guy's" brake pads.

626. You're driving along

627. all of a sudden the kids are yelling from the back seat

628. "I gotta go to the bathroom, Daddy!"

629. "Not now, dammit!"

630. Truck tire.

631. I can't stop!

632. There's a cliff!

633. And your family's screaming "Oh, my God! We're burning alive!"

634. "No! I can't feel my legs!"

635. In comes the meat wagon.

636. And the medic gets out and says "Oh, my God."

637. New guy's in the corner puking his guts out.

638. All because you want to save a couple extra pennies.

639. To me, it doesn't...

640. Get out.

641. Now!

642. Yes, sir.

643. - Do you validate? - Now!

644. Okay. Thank you.

645. She's a quart low.

646. Oh, yeah? Then guess what.

647. Open it back up and put it in.

648. That's your penance for the puppet show back there.

649. And while you're at it, fill it up with gas, okay?

650. I'm gonna go ask directions to our next huge, embarrassing failure.

651. Your huge, embarrassing failure.

652. - What? - Nothing.

653. Hey, chief, could you tell me how far it is to Davenport?

654. 22 miles.

655. Okay. I can't find it on this map.

656. Well, get yourself a new map.

657. Son of a...

658. For Pete...

659. Well, it's gotta be on the map.

660. Davenport, I mean. Because you say it's 22 miles away.

661. And you're really smart, yet it's not on the map.

662. I'm picking up your sarcasm.

663. I should hope so, because I'm laying it on pretty thick.

664. That's a map of Illinois, which we're in, on the border of Iowa

665. which is where Davenport is, 22 milezz away.

666. You're in the wrong state.

667. Get yourself a new map.

668. Well, that wasn't so hard, was it?

669. Okay. How much do I owe you for gas?

670. He didn't pump any.

671. What?

672. Hey, why didn't you pump any gas?

673. They're all out. They only got diesel.

674. Better go to the next station.

675. What'd you do?

676. I'd just like to welcome you all to our annual Callahan Employee Night.

677. I know it doesn't quite feel the same without Big Tom here.

678. But we're still a family.

679. So let's try and have some fun.

680. Hey, Mr. Rittenhauer.

681. Is it true Tommy's on the road trying to save this place?

682. Tom's out there filling in for his dad

683. until we get things settled here.

684. Are you kidding? We're all screwed!

685. That kid's one apple that fell way off the tree.

686. Mommy, I want a Popsicle.

687. "Mommy, I want a Popsicle."

688. That hurt.

689. You wanna act like a baby, I'll treat you like one.

690. Now, if you wanna act like a big boy...

691. Bad Mommy.

692. Don't call me that. It's creepy.

693. Come on. This is working out better than we planned.

694. I thought it'd take a year to bleed him dry in a divorce settlement.

695. Instead, the guy croaks and you own half the company.

696. Yeah, but it's too bad he didn't leave me any cash.

697. You talked to the banker?

698. Yeah. Unfortunately, your stock is worth dick until they sell the place.

699. That moment is rapidly approaching.

700. - Hi, Grandpa! - Hi!

701. Mr. Rittenhauer, is Tommy doing okay?

702. Well, sometimes it take a little time for a salesman to find his style.

703. You think he's finding one?

704. I hope so.

705. Hold on right there, honey. I'll see ya, Michelle.

706. Okay. See ya.

707. I'm telling you, Paul, the only thing keeping us poor is Tommy.

708. The guy's an idiot.

709. He won't sell squat.

710. This is what I think of Callahan.

711. Tommy save the factory.

712. That's a laugh.

713. I don't see any McKeesport.

714. It's the next town, Tons of Fun. It's gotta be there.

715. Okay, where's Moron? Okay, Moron's here, so McKeesport...

716. Yeah. Look, Magellan. We're at this wrinkle here.

717. You saw what happened. There was nothing I could do, right?

718. Maybe if you didn't lean over to insult me

719. you would have seen it coming.

720. Shut up, Tommy. It's not my fault.

721. Poor little furry thing.

722. I've never seen one close up before.

723. What are we gonna do? We can't just leave it here.

724. Oh, no. Loading it up took us over an hour.

725. Now, we only got 20 minutes before Brady Automotive closes.

726. Yeah. Where are we gonna take the deer?

727. I don't know. The vet?

728. You take dead animals to the vet?

729. Why not? Take you to the vet.

730. Yeah, I'll take you to the...

731. - Got that? - Shut up.

732. He's just down the hall, sir. Last door on the left.

733. Thank you.

734. Hey, what's your hurry?

735. You know that thing in the back seat?

736. It's not air freshener. It's a dead, rotting deer carcass

737. and we gotta take care of it quick.

738. Now, this is one of our oldest customers

739. so we should be in and out.

740. Hey. This sales thing isn't so easy.

741. You can't just go in and out. You gotta finesse 'em a little bit.

742. Hey, by finesse do you mean

743. sputtering out sentence fragments and lighting things on fire?

744. No. But it's nice to see you again, Mr. Insult.

745. Say, have you seen Richard anywhere?

746. 'Cause if you do, could you ask him

747. I mean, since he's so good

748. if he might wanna try selling?

749. - Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

750. Watch and learn.

751. Of course I understand what "no" means.

752. But if I took no for an answer

753. I'd probably wind up on a street corner

754. selling spicy hot dogs and wearing a funny hat, right?

755. It makes sense, doesn't it?

756. Look, I've been doing business with Callahan since I hung out my shingle.

757. But I don't like you. Probably never will.

758. You're a smug, unhappy little man

759. and you treat people like they were idiots.

760. Mr. Brady, you and my dad go way back.

761. Son, I was sorry to hear about your dad. I was.

762. But, before I decide to keep my business with your place

763. I'd have to come by and have a look at your new operation.

764. Hey, I'll tell you what.

765. You can take a good look at a butcher's ass

766. by sticking your head up there

767. but wouldn't you rather take his word for it?

768. What?

769. I'm failing to make the connection here, son.

770. No. I mean...

771. You can get a good look at a T-bone

772. by sticking your head up a butcher's ass. But then...

773. No. It's gotta be your bull.

774. Here's the deal. If I want you...

775. You have derailed.

776. Shut up, Richard.

777. Boy, I'm really at a loss for words here.

778. Forget it. I quit.

779. I can't do this any more, man.

780. My head's about to explode.

781. My whole life sucks!

782. I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know where I'm going.

783. My dad just died.

784. We just killed Bambi. I'm out here getting my ass kicked.

785. And every time I drive down the road

786. I wanna jerk the wheel into a goddamn bridge abutment!

787. I can't...

788. We'll be in touch.

789. That guy might not call us.

790. I can't believe he called me a psycho.

791. Hey, were you in there just now? You are a psycho. Good God.

792. And comb your hair.

793. Yeah. I wouldn't say you did much better.

794. Thought you were so cool.

795. "Watch and learn", he says.

796. I was watching. Know what I saw?

797. It's alive!

798. I think it tried to bite me!

799. Oh, man!

800. No way that just happened.

801. My car is completely destroyed.

802. I swear I've seen a lot of stuff in my life

803. but that was...

804. awesome!

805. But sorry about your car, man.

806. That sucks.

807. We'll return to the Zalinsky Family Theater after these messages.

808. Will you shut the window, Tommy? You're letting moths in.

809. No, it's hot in here.

810. - Would you please just... - Look, it's him.

811. America, if you need starters, spark plugs, ball joints

812. gaskets, cam shafts, U-joints or rocker arms

813. anything that can be screwed or glued to that car or truck of yours

814. come see old Ray.

815. Hey, you want a guarantee?

816. I got a guarantee stamped on every box.

817. He's got really weird hair.

818. But more important is the guarantee that I make to the American worker.

819. I want your truck to help you get the job done.

820. I want your cruiser to get out there safely

821. so you can clean up the streets.

822. And I want your kids to be safe when you take 'em for a ride.

823. Thanks, Ray.

824. Thank you, son.

825. The name's Zalinsky.

826. I make car parts for the American working man

827. because that's what I am, and that's who I care about.

828. Travel down to Zalinsky, the auto parts king!

829. He seems like a nice guy.

830. This is the guy trying to buy the company

831. not to mention put you out in the street

832. and all you can say is "He seems like a nice guy."

833. He does.

834. Yeah. Hello.

835. Hey, Michelle!

836. I'm glad you called me back.

837. Yeah, things are going great. I feel my first sale coming on real soon.

838. Yeah, he's here.

839. He's just going over his car-insurance forms.

840. Can we get any more moths in here?

841. What?

842. Richard's vacuuming.

843. He's vacuuming.

844. I don't know. I guess he's clean.

845. Michelle, can I call you back in a few minutes?

846. Thanks. I miss you. Bye.

847. Hey.

848. You can't sleep with the window open.

849. And I'm gonna lay down some other rules, too.

850. What are you so mad about?

851. Are you nuts?

852. Do you even have to ask?

853. My car is destroyed. We haven't made one sale.

854. Which means we only have to sell about half a million brake pads

855. in the next ten days

856. or else the factory's going under.

857. And the one guy that should care about all this, you, doesn't.

858. You know what, Richard?

859. You don't know me as good as you think you do.

860. I care about stuff.

861. I'm getting better at this sales thing.

862. Well, I'm not, but I could if you help me.

863. Forget it. I got enough to do

864. without having to change your diapers.

865. Richard...

866. is this your coat?

867. Don't do it.

868. Fat guy in a little coat.

869. Don't.

870. Fat guy in a little coat

871. Fat guy in a little coat

872. Take it off, dickhead. I'm serious.

873. Richard, what's happening?

874. Hey, good tune, man.

875. I don't think so.

876. Yeah! Here we go.

877. This song sucks.

878. Talk about lame.

879. Totally.

880. - You can change it if you want. - I don't care. It's up to you.

881. I can live with it if you can.

882. Suit yourself.

883. Don't you remember you told me you loved me, baby?

884. You said you'd be coming back this way again, baby

885. Baby, baby, baby, baby, oh, baby

886. I love you

887. Oh, God!

888. Hey, I was just thinking.

889. When we stopped for gas this morning

890. I think it was you who put the oil in.

891. Hey. If you're gonna say I didn't put the right kind in, you're wrong.

892. I used 10W-30.

893. And besides, motor oil would have nothing to do with this accident.

894. True. But you can't latch the hood too well

895. if you don't take the can out

896. you no-selling waste of space! I swear to God you're worthless!

897. I'm sorry about your car.

898. But don't call me worthless. I'm trying my best.

899. - I'm not my dad. - That's right. You're not your dad.

900. He could sell a ketchup Popsicle to a woman in white gloves.

901. - Ketchup Popsicle? - Yeah.

902. I learned everything I know from him.

903. I didn't have a father, and he looked out for me.

904. But you. He was your real dad, and you just took it for granted.

905. "Hey. I'm big-time son.

906. He'll fix everything, so I'm allowed to be a moron."

907. That's it!

908. Get out! Get out of the car!

909. It's go time, you and me.

910. Look, Mommy, the rhino's getting too close to the car!

911. Him too afraid to get out! He just a little guy!

912. That's it, big boy. I'm gonna whale on you.

913. You're gonna regret volunteering for this job, Porky.

914. Hey, boys and girls, it's Papa Smurf!

915. You don't want none of me. Think it through.

916. Come on. Give me your best shot. I'll give you a free one.

917. Let me have it.

918. That was it?

919. Come on. You can do better than that, can't you, Captain Limp Wrist?

920. Try again.

921. Hey, everybody. Is there a window open? I feel a draught.

922. If I wanted a kiss, I would have called your mother.

923. That was a good one.

924. Hey, Prehistoric Forest.

925. Richard, do I have a mark on my face? It really hurts.

926. No. Nothing.

927. I thought I hit you in the shoulder.

928. My shoulder doesn't hurt much, but my face does.

929. Right here.

930. Not here or here so much, but right here.

931. Nope. Shipshape.

932. Waitress, could I get that shrimp cocktail I saw in the glass case?

933. Yep.

934. And you, what can I get...

935. Jesus, what happened to your face?

936. I knew it. See, Richard?

937. I'll have chicken wings.

938. Kitchen's closed until dinner.

939. We've just got cold stuff and desserts.

940. Boy, some chicken wings would really hit the spot.

941. Are you sure it's closed?

942. Let me check.

943. Yup, it's closed.

944. Okay.

945. I'll just have a sugar packet or two.

946. Hey, what's your name?

947. - Helen. - That's nice. You look like a Helen.

948. Helen, we're both in sales.

949. Let me tell you why I suck as a salesman.

950. Let's say I go into some guy's office.

951. Let's say he's even remotely interested in buying something.

952. Then I get all excited.

953. I'm like JoJo, the Idiot Circus Boy with a pretty new pet.

954. The pet is my possible sale.

955. Oh, my pretty little pet, I love you.

956. So I stroke it, and I pet it

957. and I massage it.

958. I love my little naughty pet. You're naughty!

959. Then I take my naughty pet, and I go...

960. I killed it!

961. I killed my sale.

962. That's when I blow it.

963. That's when people like us have gotta forge ahead, Helen.

964. Am I right?

965. God, you're sick.

966. Tell you what. I'll go turn the fryers back on

967. and throw some wings in for you.

968. Hey! Thanks, Helen. Tommy likey.

969. Tommy want wingy.

970. Did that board to the head knock something loose?

971. What are you talking about?

972. That 180 you just pulled with the waitress.

973. Why can't you sell like that?

974. I was just having fun. If we didn't get the wings, so what?

975. We still got that meat lover's pizza in the trunk.

976. Hey, you got the wings 'cause you were relaxed

977. so you had confidence.

978. And that's what it takes to sell, confidence.

979. Your dad had that.

980. Why do you always have to de-turd these things?

981. My dad was smart. I'm not.

982. Very true.

983. But there's two types of smarts:

984. Book smarts, which waved bye-bye to you long ago.

985. And there's street smart, the ability to read people.

986. And you know how to do that, just like your dad.

987. He was the best at knowing what people wanted to hear

988. and what people needed to hear.

989. That's what selling is all about.

990. In a way, these people are buying you, not just brake pads.

991. Hey, everybody, it's Tony Robbins.

992. Maybe you're right, Richard.

993. I think I am.

994. Holly Lord. Look at this guy.

995. Caught him right after Thanksgiving feast.

996. Nice, Richard.

997. I need a pooper-scooper.

998. I like your line, and I like your prices.

999. But there's a problem.

1000. There's no guarantee on the box.

1001. Heck. If something breaks down, you can call me

1002. even if I'm home watching TV.

1003. Callahan has guaranteed every part sold since 1925.

1004. Maybe so, but it's not on the box. It should always be on the box

1005. comforting you, calling out "I'm good. I'll never let you down."

1006. "But if I do, I'm gonna make things all better."

1007. Our brake pads are made with a non-corrosive poly-plated...

1008. Son, if you're not talking about a guarantee, skip it.

1009. My customers need to see that little label looking 'em right in the eye.

1010. Hey, you can get a good look at your butcher...

1011. - What? - Remember, chicken wings.

1012. Chicken wings?

1013. Alright, you want to talk about guarantees, then...

1014. Fellas, you just ran out of time.

1015. Chicken wings.

1016. Let's think about this for a sec, Ted.

1017. Why would somebody put a guarantee on a box?

1018. Very interesting.

1019. Go on, I'm listening.

1020. Here's the way I see it, Ted. A guy puts a fancy guarantee on a box

1021. 'cause he wants you to feel all warm and toasty inside.

1022. Yeah. Makes a man feel good.

1023. Of course it does. Why shouldn't it?

1024. You figure you put that little box under your pillow at night

1025. and the Guarantee Fairy might come by and leave a quarter. Am I right, Ted?

1026. - What's your point? - The point is

1027. how do you know the fairy isn't a crazy glue-sniffer?

1028. "Build a model airplane," says the little fairy.

1029. We're not buying it.

1030. He sneaks into your house once. That's all it takes.

1031. Next thing you know there's money missing off the dresser

1032. and your daughter's knocked up.

1033. I've seen it a hundred times...

1034. But why do they put a guarantee on the box, then?

1035. 'Cause they know all they sold you was a guaranteed piece of shit.

1036. That's all it is, isn't it?

1037. Hey, if you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it "guaranteed"

1038. I will. I got spare time.

1039. But for now, for your customers' sake

1040. for your daughter's sake

1041. you might want to think about buying a quality product from me.

1042. Okay. I'll buy from you.

1043. That's... What?

1044. He's made one deal, Paul. It's not the end of the world.

1045. What would be good for us? We want to sell the factory.

1046. They're not gonna sell the factory as long as Tommy keeps making sales.

1047. - Why don't you come to bed? - I got it!

1048. What does every factory need?

1049. Trucks.

1050. They make stuff. They've gotta ship it, it's a must.

1051. You see, it's all very simple really.

1052. Stop the trucks. Stop Tommy boy.

1053. Oh, God!

1054. Not good.

1055. Come on, man. Let's at least take five minutes

1056. to celebrate our first victory.

1057. Look. We got lucky. Don't jinx it.

1058. We only have a week left before the loan's due.

1059. Now, I've gotta finish figuring out our trip tonight

1060. - so we can jam out early. - Okay, I'll tell ya what.

1061. You work out all the scientific stuff.

1062. I'll go out and get a pizza.

1063. The only thing I need to figure out

1064. is whether to get Chicago style or the thin crust.

1065. The salesman has left the building.

1066. See ya in a little bit.

1067. Oh, mamasita.

1068. - Hi. - Hi.

1069. Tommy, scram. Don't give her the weight room thing.

1070. You know where the weight room is?

1071. I'll check it out.

1072. Sorry.

1073. Oh, Daddy like.

1074. You get wet, honey. You deserve a swim.

1075. Now take off that itchy robe.

1076. Nobody's around.

1077. It's naughty time.

1078. Oh, for the love of God, I've been patient. Please don't stop.

1079. We've been on the road... Oh, those are real.

1080. No one's looking.

1081. Speaking of no one's looking...

1082. Bad girl.

1083. Thank you.

1084. I'm back.

1085. Richard, what were you doing?

1086. Going over some documents.

1087. Where are they? Jeez, I don't see them.

1088. They're in my briefcase.

1089. I thought you were getting pizza.

1090. They were closed.

1091. How could you be reading documents when they're in your briefcase?

1092. That's a mystery.

1093. Richard, were you watching spanktravision?

1094. Okay then, let's hit it.

1095. Maybe you were watching a movie with that funny comedian, what's his name?

1096. Buddy Whack-it?

1097. All right, then, let's get some shuteye.

1098. Hey, that's a pretty girl down there.

1099. - Good for her. - Jeez, I wonder

1100. if she goes out with one of the Yankees.

1101. Couldn't tell ya.

1102. Big day tomorrow.

1103. I hope we can keep this momentum going.

1104. Yep, that'd be good.

1105. Richard?

1106. Who's your favourite Little Rascal?

1107. Alfalfa?

1108. Or is it Spanky?

1109. Sinner.

1110. Yes. I'll buy.

1111. Yes. I like what I hear.

1112. Yes. Sounds good. By the way

1113. did you ever eat paint chips as a kid?

1114. - Son of a... - Gee.

1115. I'm okay.

1116. A thousand units to Oshkosh? Tommy, that's fabulous.

1117. Your dad never sold a thousand in Oshkosh.

1118. Not since I've been here.

1119. Lord, I never had to tinkle so bad in all my life.

1120. What the...

1121. Richard! You're a riot!

1122. Stop the car!

1123. Son of a...

1124. What the hell's gotten into you?

1125. My thing got stuck in my zipper. I got piss all over my pants.

1126. Okay. Thanks. Bye.

1127. There you are. While I was waiting, I thought I'd make a couple of calls.

1128. Okay, Mom. I'll call you later, then.

1129. Bye-bye.

1130. So what do you want?

1131. I just wanted to tell you

1132. that Tommy's been talking a lot about you recently and well

1133. I thought you might want to know that.

1134. He's so sweet.

1135. You have no idea how much it means having you and your mom as family.

1136. He says the sweetest things about her.

1137. Everything he does is sweet.

1138. So when does Sweetie get back?

1139. This Friday. Which is great because we're backed up on orders as it is.

1140. He's turned into this selling machine.

1141. Between that and sweetness, I'd say hang on to him.

1142. I gotta go.

1143. Yes, sir. I can have that for you tomorrow.

1144. That'd be great. Thank you, sir.

1145. Yes.

1146. Housekeeping.

1147. No, thank you. Sleeping.

1148. Housekeeping.

1149. Could you come back in an hour?

1150. Housekeeping. You want towels?

1151. Don't want towels. Need sleepy.

1152. Housekeeping. You want me for pillow?

1153. Please go away. Let me sleep, for the love of God!

1154. Housekeeping. You want me jerk you off?

1155. What kind of hotel is this?

1156. What the hell are...

1157. - Oh, it's you. - Good morning, sunshine.

1158. Hey, guess what. I just called Auto Tech

1159. and they decided to make an order.

1160. So, according to my calculations, that puts us over the mark.

1161. - We did it? - We did it.

1162. Yes!

1163. Oh, Richard, I'm so happy. Hold me.

1164. - Yikes. - Don't run away from your feelings!

1165. Come on, Eileen

1166. Oh, I swear, well, he means

1167. At this moment

1168. You mean everything

1169. It's the end of the world as we know it

1170. And I feel fine

1171. Six o'clock, TV on...

1172. Como una promesa, eres t, eres t

1173. Como una maana de verano

1174. Como una sonrisa, eres t, eres t

1175. As, as, eres t

1176. Eres t

1177. Como el agua de mi fuente

1178. Something went haywire down at Shipping and Receiving.

1179. Your shipments got screwed up in the computer.

1180. The wrong parts went to the wrong cities.

1181. Now, all hell has broken loose.

1182. I don't believe this.

1183. Okay. So we call everyone and explain what happened.

1184. Half the orders have already been cancelled.

1185. - What? - They think it's an indication

1186. of how we work around here.

1187. The real problem is that we won't be able to make the payment to the bank.

1188. This is like a bad Twilight Zone.

1189. I think I'm growing a tumour.

1190. Look. We'll talk to the bank. Maybe they'll give us a break.

1191. Hell, we've been doing business with them for 23 years!

1192. Tommy, it's all over.

1193. You made a valiant effort, but we're gonna have to sell to Zalinsky.

1194. I'm flying to Chicago to sign over the company.

1195. What's going to happen to the factory?

1196. He's gonna shut it down.

1197. Zalinsky doesn't care about our workers.

1198. He wants the Callahan name. That's all.

1199. Did anyone see Scanners?

1200. The bottom line is, by 6.00pm tomorrow

1201. we'll all be unemployed.

1202. Don't say anything, okay?

1203. I know I've ruined your entire life, and you hate me.

1204. So let me just pack my things

1205. and I'll go crawl into a dark hole for a few years.

1206. Hi.

1207. - So, do you hate me? - I just don't get it.

1208. I guaranteed overnight delivery.

1209. I mean, we faxed you our shipping addresses, didn't we?

1210. Yes. And they were right when I put them into my computer.

1211. - I swear. - Then how could...

1212. Oh, man! This was so big!

1213. I know it was big, but it wasn't my fault.

1214. Why can't you put your files in the file cabinets like everybody else?

1215. I mean, maybe if you weren't such a rebel, you could avoid...

1216. Don't worry, because I've quit.

1217. So you won't have to put up with anything anymore.

1218. Hey, Michelle, wait. Come on! Please?

1219. Thanks. Have a good flight. May I help you?

1220. Hi. I called about a ticket to Cuyahoga Falls. The name's Brock.

1221. Right. That flight's going through Columbus.

1222. Let me just call that up for you.

1223. Excuse me.

1224. Excuse me. Come on.

1225. Hello. Is Detective Duane Brock on duty today?

1226. This town doesn't even know what's about to hit it.

1227. Fish in a barrel, my friend.

1228. Town's the fish, people are the barrel.

1229. Fish in a barrel.

1230. What's wrong with you, Richard? You can't drink in a car.

1231. Don't you know we can get busted for that?

1232. I'm sorry. I did not know that.

1233. But right now we got a bigger problem.

1234. - That is? - Beer's coming back up.

1235. Oh, Lord!

1236. Here we go.

1237. Cops! Dammit, Richard! The whole car smells like beer.

1238. They're never gonna believe I wasn't drinking.

1239. Hold on.

1240. What are you doing?

1241. I've got an idea.

1242. What the hell?

1243. When I stop the car, run out screaming.

1244. No problem.

1245. Little trick my dad taught me.

1246. Bees!

1247. Bees in the car!

1248. Bees everywhere!

1249. God, they're huge! They're ripping my flesh off!

1250. Son, roll around! Did ya hear me? Roll around on the ground!

1251. Forget that! I'm starting to swell up!

1252. Save yourself, Tommy! Don't be a hero!

1253. Frank, I'm allergic to bees.

1254. - Me too. - They're huge and they sting crazy!

1255. We'll come back later and check on you!

1256. - Yeah, in awhile. - Save yourself!

1257. Your firearms are useless against them!

1258. Holy shnikes, it worked.

1259. I just barfed on an anthill.

1260. Cool.

1261. I think they're pissed.

1262. Yeah! That's the answer.

1263. Doesn't look like the answer.

1264. I don't remember eating that.

1265. No! Zalinsky!

1266. We'll go to Chicago, tell him we're not for sale.

1267. He seems like a good guy on TV. He'll understand.

1268. You are dreaming. You can't stop him.

1269. You lost your shares to the bank, remember?

1270. What the hell? In less than 24 hours, I lose the factory anyway.

1271. So why not give it a shot?

1272. Chicago?

1273. Chicago.

1274. Hey!

1275. Hey, you can't park here.

1276. - Keep it. - Hey, where are you goin'?

1277. Leave a message and I'll get back to you. Thanks.

1278. Hi, Michelle, this is Tommy.

1279. Listen, I'm sorry about what I said. I was being an idiot.

1280. I want to apologise, 'cause I didn't mean it.

1281. Anyway, Richard and I are going to Chicago to straighten things out.

1282. The next flight to Chicago boards in five minutes

1283. but, I'm sorry, it's completely sold out.

1284. I can put you on another one at three o'clock this afternoon.

1285. Lady, we really need to get to Chicago. It's an emergency.

1286. Is there anything you can do?

1287. I can put you in at Salt Lake City by four

1288. and there's another flight

1289. - leaving from... - I don't have time to go through

1290. another city. I need a direct flight to Chicago.

1291. I can reserve you a flight coming back from Chicago at 5.55.

1292. Does that help?

1293. Hi. I'm Earth. Have we met?

1294. I don't think so.

1295. So I'll talk to you later? Okay. Bye.

1296. We're screwed. No tickets to Chicago. Not even stand-by.

1297. There's gotta be something we can do.

1298. Flight 481 to Chicago

1299. - will be boarding at Gate 12... - Wait a minute.

1300. You got any money?

1301. 'Cause I got a plan.

1302. Yikes.

1303. We're gonna get busted. Let's get out of here.

1304. Too late.

1305. Hey, guess who's here!

1306. What are we serving tonight? Chicken or chicken?

1307. What a nice surprise, they said we were gonna be short-handed this leg.

1308. You two take coach. And could you handle the announcements?

1309. Okey-dokey. No problemo.

1310. They're gonna know we're bogus.

1311. Relax. You get on the horn. I'll throw some peanuts at 'em.

1312. We'll be in Chicago before you know it.

1313. Okay, folks, the guy in front of you is Tommy.

1314. He'll be taking you through my little spiel here.

1315. Tommy is a Scorpio, he likes biking, and he's never been laid.

1316. Exits. Okay, there's one back here

1317. and there's probably one over by the wing somewhere. Usually.

1318. And what about seat belts?

1319. To fasten, take the little end and stick it in the big end, and...

1320. Hey, know what? If you guys don't know how to use a seat belt

1321. just ring the call button and...

1322. Tommy will come back there and hit you on the head with a tack hammer

1323. 'cause you're a retard.

1324. Okay. And life preservers.

1325. These we may need.

1326. Although, what are the odds of us actually hitting a lake?

1327. My money says, if anything, it's gonna be a mountain.

1328. To inflate, put it around your neck and yank down on the tabs.

1329. Damn!

1330. Son of a...

1331. Breathe! I can't breathe!

1332. I'm choking!

1333. He's a big, dumb animal, isn't he, folks?

1334. Folks, we're making our final approach into Chicago.

1335. Ma'am, are you still alive?

1336. Ma'am, there's a half-hour time limit.

1337. Ay caramba!

1338. Okay, now, we're running out of time.

1339. So you can't go see Zalinsky like that.

1340. Now go change.

1341. Go.

1342. Can you do your seat belt?

1343. I'm okay. I'm fine. I'm fine now.

1344. What are you doing?

1345. I'm nervous, so I'm sweating.

1346. Yeah, you're gonna smell like a cab driver.

1347. Not to say that that's bad.

1348. I wanna be fresh for the meeting.

1349. Well, you look good. Are you ready?

1350. Ready or not, this is crunch time.

1351. 5-25. That's it.

1352. Son of a... That's gonna leave a mark.

1353. Look at this place.

1354. Welcome to the pros.

1355. No way. It's him!

1356. There he is, my friend. The king himself.

1357. Let's do it. It's go time.

1358. - Where'd he go? - I don't know.

1359. You check the elevators. I'll check the bank.

1360. Where is he?

1361. Listen up! This'll only take a second!

1362. Does anybody...

1363. Oh, jeez.

1364. Wow. What's going on out here?

1365. Walk slow.

1366. - Okay. Why? - Nothing.

1367. Am I consorting with a known felon?

1368. Shut up, Richard.

1369. Hey, Mom! It's the guy who robbed the bank!

1370. I didn't rob any bank.

1371. Oh, yeah, right, like it was some other real fat guy with a tiny head.

1372. I got a tiny head?

1373. Zalinsky.

1374. Say something.

1375. Mr. Zalinsky? I'm Tommy Callahan.

1376. Big Tom Callahan's son.

1377. Sorry to hear about your dad. He was a good man.

1378. Went a little heavy on the pine-tree perfume there, kid.

1379. Sir, it's a taxi-cab air freshener.

1380. Great, you've pinpointed it. Step two is washing it off.

1381. Sir, what exactly happened here?

1382. He came out of the shadows behind me

1383. and after he hit me many, many times in the head with a hammer

1384. I had to give him my gun. You know, I've got kids.

1385. So, as more details emerge on this attempted bank robbery

1386. Action 8 will be there.

1387. But the Callahan Factory's been in my family for seventy years

1388. you can't just shut it down.

1389. Son, you gotta look at it from my point of view:

1390. Callahan's a premium name. That's what I'm buying.

1391. I can make the parts in one of my factories

1392. put 'em in a Callahan box and sell 'em in my stores at a premium price.

1393. Why keep your factory going when all I want's the goddamn box?

1394. I'll tell you why, 'cause there's a town involved here.

1395. Callahan factory is the only thing keeping it alive.

1396. Look, believe it or not, I'm providing a service

1397. I'm thinning the corporate herd.

1398. You've seen Daktari. The weaker animals always go.

1399. Sure the kids cry when you tie old Tiger to a tree and shoot him.

1400. But that's life! America's in a state of renewal.

1401. We gotta have the strength to tie a few factories to a tree

1402. and bash them with a shovel.

1403. Meanwhile, if I can grab your share of the market

1404. put a little coin in my pocket by being the asshole

1405. well, what the hell? Know what I mean?

1406. Boy, you sure are different in your TV commercials.

1407. What the American public doesn't know

1408. is what makes them the American public, all right?

1409. Yeah, I love that.

1410. Hell, folks believe me when I tell them

1411. we're not just building automotive components here.

1412. We're adding horsepower to American industry.

1413. You say one word to anyone, and I will kill you. You understand me?

1414. It looks real.

1415. Yeah. Television's been good to me, son.

1416. I make car parts for the American working man

1417. because that's what I am, and that's who I care about.

1418. The truth is, I make car parts for the American working man

1419. because I'm a hell of a salesman, and he doesn't know any better.

1420. Son, since you're no longer a shareholder

1421. this is where I leave you.

1422. Don't feel bad. This chain of events was set in motion a long time ago.

1423. You and your baldheaded friend here

1424. you did what you could, that's commendable.

1425. Marty. Have Security see these boys out.

1426. - Mrs Callahan. Hey. - Sir.

1427. I trust your trip went well.

1428. What's my family doing in there?

1429. I thought they were on my side.

1430. They had a lot to gain if the factory was sold.

1431. Boy, did I screw up?

1432. My so-called family deserted me. Michelle's mad at me.

1433. I lost the factory, the town's going under

1434. and I'm out of a job.

1435. Could've done without that.

1436. Jeez, I'm an idiot!

1437. Boy, I sure let my dad down.

1438. Hey, you tried as hard as you could.

1439. When we first started out, I thought

1440. you'd just walk through this like you walked into everything else.

1441. But you didn't.

1442. Your dad would have been proud of you.

1443. And you got a friend out of it.

1444. Now, I know it doesn't matter because you have so many, but...

1445. I don't.

1446. Thanks, man.

1447. Tommy!

1448. Michelle!

1449. - Don't tell her about my hair. - Let it go!

1450. God, I was worried I wouldn't find you.

1451. Hi. What are you doing here?

1452. I got your message.

1453. Okay. I was at the airport. I was going home.

1454. And I saw your stepbrother and your stepmother and he was kissing her.

1455. - So? - With his tongue.

1456. He's doing his mommy?

1457. She's not his mom. They're married.

1458. They were lying to your dad the whole time.

1459. My brother got his police reports. See?

1460. They lied to my dad?

1461. They're con artists. They suckered him.

1462. They lied to my dad.

1463. Richard, I'm gonna need your watch. I've got a plan.

1464. Yikes.

1465. Folks, Mr. Zalinsky gave us specific instructions

1466. to bar you from the building.

1467. Sorry, boys. Hopefully we'll just be in and out.

1468. My God, he's wired!

1469. And no cops. Wouldn't want things to get messy.

1470. - That was fun. - Now what?

1471. Well, it's six o'clock. Time for the news.

1472. Excuse me! Miss!

1473. Oh, God.

1474. Done this before?

1475. Thank you, Marty.

1476. Oh my, your hands work quickly.

1477. Only when I see something I want, Mrs Callahan.

1478. It just doesn't seem right.

1479. Hi! Got a second?

1480. - What the hell's going on here? - Oh, my God. We're gonna die.

1481. Tommy, what are you doing?

1482. Hi, Ted. Hi, Frank. Excuse me, Marty.

1483. Okay. We're live.

1484. We now switch live to our reporter who is at the scene with the bomber.

1485. - This is Nicole Taylor in Chicago. - Hey, look!

1486. - I'm here with a young man - It's Tommy!

1487. who says he strapped a bomb

1488. - to his chest... - Nicole, I've got something to say.

1489. Please. May I?

1490. Hi. This is Tommy Callahan

1491. here with Mr. Ray Zalinsky, American auto parts king.

1492. Honey, look at this human bomb on the news.

1493. Oh, yeah. I buy brake pads off him.

1494. I thought we were watching cartoons.

1495. Mr. Zalinsky, for years you've been putting ads on TV.

1496. And they always end up with you saying "I make car parts for..."

1497. How does it go?

1498. I make car parts for the American working man

1499. because that's what I am, and that's who I care about.

1500. That's why I'm here, Ray.

1501. You see, back in Sandusky, Ohio

1502. there are 300 American workers at Callahan Auto.

1503. We make the best parts money can buy.

1504. And right now those workers are in danger of losing their jobs.

1505. And they're praying that somebody's gonna step up and help them.

1506. Is that why you strapped a bomb to your chest?

1507. This isn't a bomb.

1508. - These are road flares. - Road flares?

1509. Did you live under power lines as a kid or something?

1510. - Why? - You guys want this

1511. or American Gladiators?

1512. Gladiators.

1513. So do you think Zalinsky Industries can help these folks?

1514. I'll be happy to look into it.

1515. Hey, I'll tell ya what

1516. I can get a good look at a T-bone by sticking my head up a bull's ass

1517. but I'd rather take the butcher's word for it.

1518. Am I just severely wasted, or does Tommy look bloated?

1519. No, it's TV, man. The camera adds a couple hundred pounds.

1520. Ray, we're not looking for a handout here.

1521. I'm offering you a great deal.

1522. This is an order

1523. for half a million Callahan brake pads to be sold in your stores

1524. made by the American working man for the American working man.

1525. Well...

1526. absolutely. It would be my great pleasure.

1527. I mean, what have I got to lose? A great American product, right?

1528. I don't believe it. Tommy just sold half a million brake pads.

1529. Tommy just sold a half a million brake pads!

1530. What difference does it make?

1531. The company is gonna be mine in ten minutes anyway, right?

1532. Mr. Zalinsky, thank you.

1533. Thank you, Tommy boy. And thank you.

1534. And remember, you can pick up these great brake pads from Callahan Auto

1535. at all my Zalinsky Auto Parts outlets all over North America.

1536. Go Tommy!

1537. At the moment, it looks like

1538. a tragedy has been averted

1539. and a town has been saved.

1540. For "Action News"

1541. I'm Nicole Taylor, reporting live.

1542. Okay. We're outta here.

1543. Wait a minute, fat boy. You lost your shares to the bank.

1544. You don't even have a right to be here.

1545. Gee, funny you should bring that up.

1546. 'Cause I'm not sure that you have the right to be here.

1547. What have we got here?

1548. Oh, my God, it's a police report.

1549. What's all this about?

1550. Let's see. Paul Barrish

1551. married May 1993, to Beverly Barrish, aka Beverly Burns.

1552. Richard, how could Beverly be married to Paul and my dad at the same time?

1553. - Interesting. - Yes. Provocative.

1554. I think it means that your marriage to my dad was never legal.

1555. Which also means that Beverly's shares still belong to Tommy.

1556. Isn't that right, Mr. Rittenhauer?

1557. Yes. I believe that's right. Mr. Reilly?

1558. I'd say that's right. Mr. Gilmore?

1559. Absolutely.

1560. Let me guess. You're not going to be selling me the company now

1561. are you, Tommy boy?

1562. No, sir.

1563. Ray, I have no idea what they're talking about.

1564. That's it.

1565. I'm not gonna take this.

1566. It's not over yet, Lee Harvey.

1567. Let's see.

1568. Warrants outstanding:

1569. New Mexico, mail fraud. Colorado, wire fraud.

1570. And coming soon to Ohio, computer fraud.

1571. Get him!

1572. Don't let him leave the complex, Marty.

1573. Hey, you forgot your wife!

1574. Screw you! Screw all of ya!

1575. Crash test in progress.

1576. Not good.

1577. Hit the brakes!

1578. That will ruin his weekend.

1579. Kid, you threw one by me.

1580. Savor the flavor because it sure as hell won't happen again.

1581. - In the meantime, good luck to ya. - Thank you, sir.

1582. Marty, cut a cheque to Callahan Auto for those brake pads.

1583. - Yes, sir. - And you.

1584. With all this excitement around here I kinda got a little hungry.

1585. Wanna step over to my club and we'll grab something to eat?

1586. - Thank you. I'd like that. - Good.

1587. Marty, find out where the police will be taking him.

1588. Send over a bottle of bubbly with a bucket of ice and a card.

1589. Have it say, "Tough break. Get drunk on me.

1590. Use the bucket to ice down your marbles. Yours, Z."

1591. Well, Mr. Callahan, looks like we're back in business.

1592. Yes, sir, Mr. Rittenhauer.

1593. - That's great, Tommy. - Thanks.

1594. Way to go, Tommy Callahan.

1595. That was pathetic.

1596. Shut up, Richard.

1597. This is a very proud day for me.

1598. I want to introduce you to the new president of Callahan Auto

1599. Tom Callahan Jr.

1600. Bravo!

1601. Tommy, will you say something?

1602. Well...

1603. Ever since I was a kid, you people have been like a family to me.

1604. Louis, we built our first fort together.

1605. And, Danny, remember when we used to burn ants with a magnifying glass?

1606. RT, I lost my virginity to your daughter, for crying out loud.

1607. Rob, you were there.

1608. Anyway

1609. I just want you to know that as long as I'm around, I'm gonna bust my butt

1610. and make sure that every last one of you always has a job

1611. right here at Callahan.

1612. Dad, I got a little problem here.

1613. I've been stuck out here for an hour with no wind again.

1614. I'm supposed to be at Michelle's for dinner.

1615. So if you can give me a little help, I'd appreciate it.

1616. If not, don't worry about it.

1617. I'm trying to do everything I think you'd be doing

1618. and so far it's going pretty good.

1619. I just wanna tell you that I still love you and...

1620. I sure miss you a lot.

1621. Hey! Thanks, Dad!

1622. Son of a... That's gonna leave a mark.

1623. SPECTRA MEDIA