- 1. Tommy, hurry up!
You're gonna be late for school again.
- 2. Son of a...
- 3. Damn!
- 4. Nice doggy.
- 5. Holy schnikes!
- 6. Late again, Tommy?
- 7. - You're pathetic.
- Shut up, Richard.
- 8. - Come on, Tommy!
- Hurry up.
- 9. Damn!
- 10. Hi. How are you?
- 11. Oh, man!
- 12. No! Please, God, no!
- 13. Son of a...
- 14. - Excuse me. I'm sorry.
- Hey, I got an A.
- 15. Sorry. Pardon me.
Can I just check this out?
- 16. "D+"?
- 17. Oh, my God.
- 18. I passed!
- 19. I passed.
- 20. Man! I got a D+.
- 21. I'm gonna graduate!
I wish we'd known each other.
- 22. This is a little awkward.
- 23. I'm gonna graduate! Give me five!
- 24. I'm gonna graduate!
- 25. Wombat!
- 26. Guys, do I look different
now that I'm a college grad?
- 27. Not really.
- 28. Apparently, they give a lot fewer
D pluses than D minuses.
- 29. It's not a grade they like to give out,
I'll tell you that right now.
- 30. - Yeah. You mentioned that.
- So that's it for school, huh? Now what?
- 31. No idea.
- 32. But for now I'll probably go back
- 33. and work at my dad's
loading dock like always.
- 34. Then after that, figure it out.
- 35. I'm gonna miss you, man.
You were the best.
- 36. You were the best. I love all you guys.
- 37. Especially you.
- 38. I'm gonna make a toast.
- 39. To the best bunch of rugby freaks
- 40. Maybe we weren't the smartest guys
- 41. Maybe we spent a little too much time
puking off balconies.
- 42. But we had fun, huh?
- 43. Yeah!
- 44. Now some of us are leaving
and that is sad.
- 45. But this isn't the end. No way.
- 46. We're gonna show this world
a thing or two.
- 47. We're gonna show...
- 48. - Richard Hayden?
- 49. So where's my dad? I thought
he was gonna meet me at the airport.
- 50. He was at the airport this morning,
but you weren't on the plane.
- 51. He said he had a surprise for me.
- 52. Maybe. I guess you should've called.
- 53. I did call earlier when
- 54. using the phone.
- 55. - Earlier, when was that?
- Or later. When...
- 56. Then I left a message.
- 57. A message? What number did you call?
- 58. Two, four, niner,
- 59. five, six, seven, eight...
- 60. I can't hear you. You're trailing off.
- 61. And did I catch a "niner" in there?
Were you calling from a walkie-talkie?
- 62. - No, it was cordless.
- You know what? Don't.
- 63. Not here, not now.
- 64. Did you hear I finally graduated?
- 65. Yeah. In just a shade
under a decade, too. All right.
- 66. You know, a lot of people
go to college for seven years.
- 67. I know. They're called doctors.
- 68. That has to be you.
- 69. Spray that thing for bugs?
- 70. - What happened to the tire plant?
- Shut it down last month.
- 71. Would you mind not eating in the car?
It's kind of a rule.
- 72. - Still got your GTX car, huh?
- 73. And I dropped in a 440 Magnum
with a six-pack.
- 74. You hang on to a car this cherry
- 75. - kind of like your suitcase.
- "Kind of like your suitcase."
- 76. What's new with the old gang
from high school?
- 77. I don't know, Tommy. I didn't really like
the old gang from high school.
- 78. - Hey, the muffler plant's gone, too.
- 79. Man!
- 80. Come on! Damn it!
- 81. That sounds good.
- 82. Melted chocolate inside the dash.
That really ups the resale value.
- 83. I think you're gonna be okay here.
They have a thin candy shell.
- 84. I'm surprised you didn't know that.
- 85. I think your brain
has a thick candy shell.
- 86. Your... Your brain has the shell on it.
- 87. - Are you talking?
- Shut up, Richard.
- 88. Ron, don't tell me the bank thinks
we need to wait it out.
- 89. Any business that tries to wait it out
will be just that, out.
- 90. In auto parts you're either growing
or you're dying.
- 91. There ain't no third direction.
- 92. Tom, you're talking about a huge loan.
- 93. Maybe instead of borrowing
you should take on a partner.
- 94. No, this always has been,
always will be a family firm.
- 95. My grandfather founded it in '21.
- 96. My father kept it running during
the Depression. My aunt Aileen ran it
- 97. when he went away to war
and someday my son will run it.
- 98. - Hi, Dad.
- 99. Damn, I'm proud of you. Mr. Big Time.
- 100. - Thanks, Dad.
- 101. You're looking great, kid.
- 102. Thanks, Mr. Rittenhauer.
How you doing, Mr. Reilly?
- 103. Real good.
I had a kidney removed last April
- 104. but I still have the other one.
- 105. Yeah, you remember Mr. Gilmore
from the bank.
- 106. - Yeah. Nice to see you again, sir.
- How are you?
- 107. Why don't you come out on the floor
- 108. Gilmore needs reminding
of why he does business with us.
- 109. - Richard, could you...
- Run these figures by accounting.
- 110. No problem.
- 111. My fellow nerds and I will retire
to the nerdery with our calculators.
- 112. - Come on.
- We should have something for you
- 113. by this afternoon.
- 114. Hard hats, gentlemen.
- 115. You get hit in the head
without wearing one of these
- 116. they scoop your brains out
with a goddamn soup ladle.
- 117. Look alive! Low bridge!
- 118. Son of a...
- 119. - You all right, Tommy?
- 120. - What happened?
- 121. Danny. How's that new son-in-law?
- 122. He's a real pain in the butt.
- 123. Tommy, you're back!
Way to go on that D+.
- 124. Thanks, Danny. Looking good, man.
- 125. - Hey, Tommy!
- Hey, man. How you doing?
- 126. How are you?
- 127. Good to see you. How you doing?
- 128. - Hey, Sammy.
- Hey, Tommy.
- 129. - Welcome home, buddy.
- Tommy, welcome back.
- 130. Hang in there, Ron. We're almost there.
- 131. Lou, I got some papers
I want you to sign in the office.
- 132. - Hey, Louis.
- Hey, Tommy!
- 133. What are you doing on the floor?
- 134. I was going crazy on the loading docks,
so your dad moved me in here.
- 135. - What is this thing?
- It's a buffer.
- 136. I take oil filters that need smoothing
and give them a quick zap.
- 137. Cool.
- 138. - Can I try one?
- Help yourself.
- 139. Nice distance.
- 140. Tommy! Come on! Let's go!
- 141. Yes, sir! See you.
- 142. There she is, Ron, my dream.
- 143. This, my friend,
is our new brake-pad division
- 144. and the future of Callahan Auto.
- 145. - Quite a sight, Tom.
- This is awesome.
- 146. You say these brake pads
are gonna revolutionize the industry?
- 147. Composed of high-grade steel
- 148. They're the goddamn Rolls-Royce
of brake pads, that's what they are.
- 149. I get tears in my eyes
just thinking about it.
- 150. You're coming awful fast.
- 151. - How you doing?
- I need fresh capital for material
- 152. for a new work force,
before I can turn these machines on.
- 153. Look out.
I've got catlike speed and reflexes.
- 154. Now, in 23 years,
have I ever said no to you?
- 155. Why say no when it feels so good
to say yes?
- 156. I was checking
- 157. the specs on the end line
for the rotary girder.
- 158. I'm retarded.
- 159. - Okay, Tom. Let's go.
- Yes, sir.
- 160. Okay, left.
- 161. Can I open my eyes now, Dad?
- 162. I told you, you didn't have to close them
in the first place.
- 163. Here, go ahead. Open them up.
- 164. That's my name!
- 165. That's your new office now,
- 166. Go on in there!
- 167. Awesome. Hey, there's even a fridge.
- 168. This is great.
You could put six-packs of
- 169. soda in here. Milk, yogurt.
- 170. You could put candy bars in the freezer.
- 171. Anything that you want to keep cool.
- 172. Mr. Callahan,
- 173. I need your John Hancock
on these reports.
- 174. John Hancock. It's Herbie Hancock.
- 175. Richard, check out my new office.
- 176. You have a window.
- 177. And why shouldn't you?
You've been here ten minutes.
- 178. Now look, Son,
these are our new catalogs.
- 179. Get to know them. They're important.
- 180. Richard, I want you to promise me
you'll look after Tommy Boy here
- 181. till he gets his feet wet.
- 182. Sure. And thanks for choosing me.
- 183. Now don't forget,
we're going home early today.
- 184. - I got another surprise for you.
- 185. Thanks, Dad.
- 186. It's called reading.
Top to bottom, left to right.
- 187. Group of words together is a sentence.
Take Tylenol for any headaches.
- 188. Midol for any cramps.
- 189. Shut up.
- 190. Can I open my eyes now, Dad?
- 191. For God's sake, Son,
will you quit covering your damn eyes?
- 192. Holy schnikes.
- 193. - Is that for me?
- No, Son, that's for me.
- 194. Oh, man!
- 195. Dad, she's like a 10.
- 196. - Hi, honey.
- 197. - Hi.
- This must be Tommy. Are you Tommy?
- 198. - I'm Tommy.
- I'm Beverly and you are just adorable.
- 199. Son, I got an announcement to make.
- 200. Tom, I've asked Beverly to be my wife.
- 201. Man!
- 202. What'd she say?
- 203. It's so cool that
you're getting married Saturday.
- 204. - So where'd you guys meet?
- Here you go, sweetie.
- 205. We met at that fat farm spa resort thing.
Beverly was one of the trainers.
- 206. In fact, she was the only one
of the trainers I didn't want to plant
- 207. six feet under a lettuce patch.
- 208. Wait till you hear this, Tommy.
- 209. She's got a son.
He worked at the spa, too.
- 210. I met him. He's a terrific guy.
- 211. You're really gonna like him.
He's coming here today for the wedding.
- 212. Tommy, it sounds funny saying this
- 213. but my son is going to be
your new brother.
- 214. Brother? I'm gonna have a brother?
- 215. I've always dreamed
about having a brother.
- 216. - Speak of the devil.
- A brother!
- 217. - Brother?
- I'm Paul.
- 218. - You must be Tommy.
- Brothers don't shake hands.
- 219. Brothers gotta hug.
- 220. I can't believe
I have a whole new family.
- 221. This is awesome.
- 222. - Yeah. Great.
- No offense
- 223. but if I sent a picture of your mom
to some of my buddies at school
- 224. she'd definitely be Boner of the Month.
- 225. I'm honored.
- 226. So is there anything to do
in this town besides eat?
- 227. Tons of stuff. Late night pitch 'n' putt.
- 228. We could go to the livestock auction
and cruise the Four-H babes.
- 229. Throw stuff off the bridge.
What do you feel like doing?
- 230. I don't know.
Something a little more dangerous.
- 231. Sure. All you can handle, bro.
- 232. Look at them there.
- 233. Pretty maids all in a row.
I want the one on the left.
- 234. She's perfect. Which one you want?
- 235. Okay.
- 236. - Does it make a difference?
- Oh, yeah.
- 237. Wait a second. Is this your first time?
- 238. Yeah, Tommy, it is.
- 239. God, you're gonna remember this
the rest of your life.
- 240. I can't believe you've never been
cow-tipping before. Get ready to live.
- 241. She's sleeping.
- 242. What you do is you put your shoulder
into her and you push.
- 243. - And?
- They fall over.
- 244. This doesn't strike you as kind of dumb?
- 245. We're family.
- 246. We're gonna be doing
lots of dumb stuff together.
- 247. Wait till Christmas.
- 248. You keep your feet
- 249. Stay between the udder and the hock.
- 250. It's a 32 belly option.
On two, on two. Ready. Hut!
- 251. Son of a...
- 252. Holy schnikes!
- 253. Hey, get off my property!
- 254. Run for it!
- 255. - I'll save you, brother!
- I'm okay.
- 256. - Get away from me!
- Get up!
- 257. - I can walk.
- I love you.
- 258. Hey, get me. My turn. Over here.
- 259. These shoes are Italian.
They're worth more than your life.
- 260. Man, did I get douched with mud!
- 261. Chucko, that doesn't smell like mud.
- 262. Man, that's cold.
- 263. I'm a maniac
- 264. Maniac on the floor
- 265. And I'm dancing like
I've never danced before
- 266. Did you eat a lot of paint chips
when you were a kid?
- 267. Why?
- 268. - Good morning, Richard.
- 269. Luke, I am your father.
- 270. I've interrupted Happy Time.
- 271. Look, your father wants you
to check out the delay problems
- 272. we're having at the loading dock.
- 273. I know you'd love to just sit there
and keep being not slim.
- 274. But we gotta work a little today, okay?
- 275. - That was from Star Wars.
- I know.
- 276. R.T., I think I figured out the problem.
- 277. This order's going to Columbus.
That's a one-day delivery
- 278. but you've got it marked down for two.
- 279. That's because it's going to Columbus,
Georgia, not Columbus, Ohio.
- 280. You see these letters by the city?
That's called a state.
- 281. What else you got, Wonder Boy?
- 282. That's pretty much it for now.
- 283. Tommy, maybe you should go back
to college for another seven years
- 284. and study a globe.
- 285. Tommy Callahan?
- 286. Michelle Brock. Chaparrall High.
- 287. Yeah, I remember.
I sat next to you in History.
- 288. You work here?
It's so bizarre that you work here.
- 289. Come on in. And forget about R.T.
- 290. He's just pissed off 'cause
he recently found out what a loser he is.
- 291. What a loser he is.
- 292. Hey, nice.
- 293. How come you don't put the files
in the file cabinets?
- 294. - I don't like file cabinets.
- Why not?
- 295. You have to open them.
I've got my own system.
- 296. Hasn't failed me yet.
All the shipping orders go through me.
- 297. Which means I spend about half
of my pathetically anal life in here.
- 298. If I couldn't do things my own way
- 299. I'd probably freak out
and blow up the whole town.
- 300. Cool.
- 301. Remember your brother Duane?
- 302. What ever happened to him?
We used to go to Safeway all the time
- 303. and get caught trying to steal donuts.
- 304. He's a cop.
- 305. He had to get a real job when
my parents moved to Cuyahoga Falls.
- 306. - Want one?
- I'd better not.
- 307. I have what doctors call
a little bit of a weight problem.
- 308. I used to grab bear claws as a kid,
two at a time.
- 309. And I'd get them lodged
right in this region here.
- 310. - How about some coffee?
- I'd love some.
- 311. Man, I bet half the town's here.
- 312. You look great, Dad.
- 313. You look good, too, Tommy Boy.
- 314. Listen, Tommy, this marriage thing,
I know it's a big step.
- 315. But, you know,
ever since your mom died...
- 316. Look, Tommy, something about
getting old and being alone...
- 317. You know, something...
- 318. Dad, it's cool, you know?
I just want you to be happy.
- 319. Yeah, I know you do. And I am, kid.
I am happy, Tommy Boy.
- 320. - They're ready for you, sir.
- Good! Well, we're ready, too.
- 321. - So, how do we look?
- 322. I think that's the champagne talking.
- 323. And so these vows are held sacred
from now until eternity.
- 324. If there's any person who finds a reason
these two should not be wed
- 325. speak now or forever hold your peace.
- 326. - You kidding? Go get them, Tom!
- 327. Now, by the power vested in me
by the State of Ohio
- 328. I now pronounce you man and wife.
- 329. You may kiss the bride.
- 330. - Guys.
- Now look.
- 331. Say something to the bride and groom.
- 332. Hey, Dad and Beverly.
- 333. This is Michelle Brock,
the prettiest gal in Sandusky.
- 334. Michelle, say a little something
into the camera.
- 335. A little something into the camera.
- 336. It sounds good, Tom,
- 337. but I'd like to take a look at
your operation before I commit.
- 338. Fair enough, Doug.
- 339. 'Course I could get a good look
at a T-bone steak
- 340. by sticking my head up a bull's ass
- 341. but I'd rather take
the butcher's word for it.
- 342. Bull's ass, that's great.
- 343. And you guarantee everything you sell?
- 344. You know,
I could guarantee you all day long.
- 345. But we both know a guarantee is only
as good as the man who writes it.
- 346. It sounds good, Tom.
- 347. - I'll send the contract next week.
- All right, good man.
- 348. - You're still the best, Tom.
- Eight whiskey sours,
- 349. I still sell the son of a bitch.
Damn! I'm good.
- 350. I just want to tell you,
you really look dynamite today, Beverly.
- 351. Yeah, Tom, you are a lucky man.
Boy, would I like to get some of that!
- 352. - Good Lord.
- Oh, God, no.
- 353. Listen, Richard,
you got an edit button on that thing?
- 354. - It'll cost you.
- Come here, you little prick.
- 355. All right. Hold it a second, folks.
Wait a minute.
- 356. Yeah, it's working now.
- 357. Listen, I want to thank you all
for coming today
- 358. to welcome two new Callahans
to the family
- 359. my beautiful wife, Beverly,
and my new son, Paul.
- 360. I feel like the luckiest man
in the world today.
- 361. - Hit it!
- Three, four.
- 362. But right now I'm gonna need you,
- 363. to get this place going.
- 364. - But me, Dad?
- Yeah, you, Tommy Boy.
- 365. - Get up.
- Dad, I really don't think... Okay.
- 366. First rocker, take it, Tommy Boy!
- 367. Hey, mama,
don't you treat me wrong
- 368. Come and love me,
baby, all night long
- 369. Testify, Tommy boy. Testify.
- 370. Whoa, all right, now
- 371. Tell me what I say
- 372. - Second rocker, me!
- Hit it.
- 373. See the girl with the diamond ring
- 374. She knows
how to twist that thing, oh, oh
- 375. That's right, Dad.
- 376. Hey, hey
- 377. Come on now, Dad.
- 378. All right, now
- 379. Tell me what I say
- 380. What did I say
- 381. Hit the "heys" and the "hos."
- 382. Hey
- 383. Ho
- 384. - Hey
- 385. - Ho
- 386. - Hey, Ho
- Hey, Ho
- 387. Hey, hey, hey, hey
- 388. Yeah, Dad, come on now!
- 389. Hear what I say
- 390. Yeah, what I say
- 391. Come on now!
- 392. - Dad?
- Somebody call 911.
- 393. There's not much more we can say,
- 394. We've lost someone we love
and it hurts.
- 395. Even though Tom is gone,
he'll remain in our lives forever
- 396. comforting us, making us laugh
- 397. and watching over us.
- 398. My dad gave me this boat.
- 399. We'd come out here late at night when
there was no one else on the lake
- 400. and then he'd be over there
on the shore
- 401. and he'd yell,
"Quit playing with your dinghy!"
- 402. I'm gonna really miss him.
- 403. - Your father was a great guy.
- 404. I'm really glad you brought me out here.
- 405. I can't believe you wanted to.
- 406. Although it's pretty fun,
if we had some wind.
- 407. I can't believe there's no wind.
You need wind 'cause it...
- 408. - Helps push the sail.
- 409. So what are you gonna go do now?
- 410. I don't know. But I gotta do something.
- 411. And I don't know what.
- 412. - Man, do I sound like an idiot.
- 413. Sorry about this wind.
- 414. I can't believe there isn't
any wind out here.
- 415. This is ridiculous.
- 416. No, it's great.
- 417. It's very peaceful.
- 418. Hey, Tubbo, you ain't moving!
- 419. Yeah. Need a little wind here.
- 420. No, you need to drop
a couple hundred pounds, blimp!
- 421. Rascals.
- 422. I guess that's your theory.
- 423. So we'll see what happens tomorrow.
- 424. Your sail is limp, like your dick!
- 425. Watch your language
in front of the lady, punk!
- 426. Jeez.
- 427. You were saying?
- 428. Hey, Gilligan, did you eat the Skipper?
- 429. You better pray
to the god of skinny punks
- 430. that this wind doesn't pick up
- 431. because I'll come over there
and jam an oar up your ass!
- 432. Jeepers creepers.
- 433. Those guys keep interrupting us.
I'm sorry about that.
- 434. - You were saying about the...
- Hey, lady, look out!
- 435. - There's a fat whale on your boat!
- Yeah. Free Willy!
- 436. Listen up, you little spazoids.
- 437. I know where you live
and I've seen where you sleep.
- 438. I swear to everything holy
that your mothers will cry
- 439. when they see what I've done to you!
- 440. I was just kidding.
I have no idea where they live.
- 441. That was awesome.
- 442. Ladies and gentlemen,
we're in real trouble.
- 443. Zalinsky Industries has an offer
on the table to buy us out.
- 444. But as you realize,
Callahan has been family-owned
- 445. since Tommy's great-grandfather
laid the first brick.
- 446. And I'll be damned
if that's gonna change on my watch.
- 447. If we sell while our value's still high
- 448. everyone who owns stock
in this company
- 449. stands to make a lot of money.
- 450. That, of course, includes you,
- 451. now that you and Tommy
are the primary shareholders.
- 452. It seems vulgar to think about money
at a time like this.
- 453. I don't want to hear the word
- 454. But, Ron, we do need that loan to
keep us afloat until we figure things out.
- 455. I'm sorry, Frank. We can't do it.
- 456. Tom got in way over his head
when he built the brake-pad division.
- 457. The bank just can't take a chance
on putting up any more money.
- 458. Now, let's face it. When Big Tom died,
Callahan Auto may have died with him.
- 459. If this factory goes under,
the whole town goes under.
- 460. And that's when the whores come in.
- 461. - Here we go.
- Excuse me. What was that?
- 462. Men laying their trick money down,
$20 to pay the rent.
- 463. Maybe, instead,
I'll spend it on the whore.
- 464. Frank, I really don't think
we have any choice.
- 465. Maybe I can help.
- 466. I'll give you everything I've got.
My house, the stock.
- 467. If I give you that stuff as collateral,
then will you give us that loan?
- 468. Well, yes, I suppose so.
- 469. Wait a second.
What are you saying, Tommy?
- 470. You just wanna hand over
- 471. Right.
If it'll help get the brake pads going.
- 472. My dad said the new pads
were the future of Callahan.
- 473. But who's going to sell them?
- 474. - I will. I'll go on my dad's sales trip.
- I'll be damned.
- 475. Whores running around doing
their little behind-shake for the menfolk.
- 476. - I kind of like her idea.
- For Christ's sake!
- 477. Once during the war,
I visited a prostitute.
- 478. And my life has been
a living hell ever since.
- 479. Now, hold on a minute.
- 480. Do we really want to put the future
of the company in Tommy's hands?
- 481. We're running low on options here, Ted.
- 482. I can hold off Zalinsky
for a couple of weeks.
- 483. - What have we got to lose?
- How about the jobs of 300 people?
- 484. No offense, Tommy, but you don't know
the first thing about brake pads.
- 485. I know I'm probably not the answer
you guys are looking for.
- 486. But I feel like I gotta do something.
- 487. You're right.
I don't know much about this stuff.
- 488. - But he does.
- Oh, no.
- 489. That's right. Richard knows more
about brake pads than anyone in here.
- 490. And since you were
my dad's right-hand man
- 491. I'd say you have the rest of the year
pretty much wide-open.
- 492. Time out. Bad idea.
- 493. I don't think anyone could help
Baby Huey out there on the road.
- 494. Do you have a better suggestion?
- 495. I can actually hear you getting fatter.
- 496. What did I say
about eating in the car, anyway?
- 497. That it's not good,
'cause it spoils your dinner?
- 498. Tommy, this is not a vacation for me.
I'm out here against my will.
- 499. So the least you can do is pretend
to work. Okay? Now, let's review.
- 500. Okay, you're right. Review time.
Let's do it up. Feed me.
- 501. First, what are the three grades
of Callahan brake pads?
- 502. Personal, commercial,
- 503. And what is our carrying charge for
all the merchandise in the warehouse?
- 504. Oh, man!
- 505. - One and a half...
- Half percent.
- 506. - I knew that. Why can't I remember it?
- Try an association like...
- 507. Let's say, the average person
uses 10 percent of their brain.
- 508. How much do you use?
- 509. The rest is clogged with malted hops
and bong resin.
- 510. I gotta do this.
- 511. This has gotta be the one.
I've gotta do this.
- 512. It's gotta be me. It's gotta...
- 513. - Are you ready?
- Yeah. Sorry. I'm ready.
- 514. - Hey, does this suit make me look fat?
- No, your face does.
- 515. Okay, let's check you out. All right.
- 516. - It's a clip-on.
- Are you sure?
- 517. All right. Now, it's sale time.
- 518. - So remember, we don't take no...
- No shit from anyone!
- 519. - No.
- We don't take no prisoners.
- 520. We don't take no for an answer.
- 521. Oh, yeah.
We don't take no for an answer.
- 522. We don't take no for an answer.
We don't take no for an answer.
- 523. - No.
- 524. - No.
- Gotcha! Thanks.
- 525. Terrific. Thanks for your time.
- 526. Let me say
- 527. maybe.
- 528. Well, then, I'd just like to add
- 529. that the spectrometer readout
on the nickel-cadmium alloy mix
- 530. indicates a good rich strobe and fade.
- 531. Decreasing incidence of wear
to the pressure plate.
- 532. Whoa, little fella,
you're not speaking my language.
- 533. What my associate
is trying to say is that
- 534. our new brake pads are really cool.
You're not even gonna believe it.
- 535. Like, let's say you're driving
along the road with your family
- 536. and you're driving along.
- 537. Then, all of a sudden, there's a
truck tire in the middle of the road
- 538. and you hit the brakes.
- 539. Whoa. That was close.
- 540. Now, let's see what happens
when you're driving
- 541. with the "other guy's" brake pads.
- 542. You're driving along, all of a sudden
the kids are yelling from the back seat.
- 543. "I gotta go to the bathroom, Daddy."
"Not now, damn it!"
- 544. Truck tire.
- 545. "I can't stop!"
- 546. Help!
- 547. There's a cliff.
- 548. And your family's screaming:
- 549. "Oh, my God! We're burning alive!
- 550. "No, I can't feel my legs!"
In comes the meat wagon.
- 551. And the medic gets out and says,
"Oh, my God."
- 552. New guy's in the corner
puking his guts out.
- 553. All because you want to save
a couple extra pennies.
- 554. - To me, it doesn't...
- Get out.
- 555. - Now.
- Yes, sir.
- 556. - Do you validate?
- 557. Okay. Thank you.
- 558. - She's a quart low.
- Oh, yeah?
- 559. Then guess what?
Open it back up and put it in.
- 560. That's your penance
for the puppet show back there.
- 561. And while you're at it,
fill it up with gas, okay?
- 562. I'm gonna go ask directions
to our next huge, embarrassing failure.
- 563. You're a huge, embarrassing failure.
- 564. - What?
- 565. Chief, could you tell me
how far it is to Davenport?
- 566. 22 miles.
- 567. - Okay. I can't find it on this map.
- Well, get yourself a new map.
- 568. Son of a...
- 569. For Pete...
- 570. Well, it's gotta be on the map.
- 571. Davenport, I mean,
because you say it's 22 miles away.
- 572. And you're really smart.
Yet it's not on the map.
- 573. I'm picking up your sarcasm.
- 574. I should hope so,
because I'm laying it on pretty thick.
- 575. That's a map of Illinois, which we're in
- 576. on the border of lowa,
which is where Davenport is
- 577. 22 miles away.
- 578. You're in the wrong state.
Get yourself a new map.
- 579. Well, that wasn't so hard, was it?
- 580. Okay. How much do I owe you for gas?
- 581. - He didn't pump any.
- 582. Why didn't you pump any gas?
- 583. They're all out. They only got diesel.
Better go to the next station.
- 584. What'd you do?
- 585. I'd just like to welcome you all
- 586. to our annual Callahan Employee Night.
- 587. I know it doesn't quite feel the same
without Big Tom here.
- 588. But we're still a family.
- 589. So let's try and have some fun.
- 590. Hey, Mr. Rittenhauer,
- 591. is it true Tommy's on the road
trying to save this place?
- 592. Tom's out there filling in for his dad
until we get things settled here.
- 593. Are you kidding? We're all screwed.
- 594. That kid's one apple
that fell way off the tree.
- 595. Mommy, I want a Popsicle.
- 596. "Mommy, I want a Popsicle."
- 597. That hurt.
- 598. You want to act like a baby,
I'll treat you like one.
- 599. Now, if you want to act like a big boy...
- 600. - Bad Mommy.
- Don't call me that. It's creepy.
- 601. Come on, this is working out better
than we planned.
- 602. I thought it'd take a year
to bleed him dry in a divorce settlement.
- 603. Instead, the guy croaks
and you own half the company.
- 604. But it's too bad he didn't
leave me any cash.
- 605. You talk to the banker?
- 606. Yeah. Unfortunately your stock
isn't worth dick
- 607. until they sell the place.
- 608. That moment is rapidly approaching.
- 609. - Hi, Grandpa.
- 610. Mr. Rittenhauer,
is Tommy, you know, doing okay?
- 611. Well, sometimes it takes a little time
for a salesman to find his style.
- 612. - You think he's finding one?
- I hope so.
- 613. Hold on right there, honey.
- 614. - I'll see you, Michelle.
- Okay. See you.
- 615. I'm telling you, Paul, the only thing
keeping us poor is Tommy.
- 616. The guy's an idiot.
- 617. He won't sell squat.
- 618. This is what I think of Callahan.
- 619. Tommy save the factory. That's a laugh.
- 620. I don't see any McKeesport.
- 621. It's the next town, Tons of Fun.
It's gotta be there.
- 622. Okay, where's Moron?
- 623. Okay, Moron's here, so McKeesport...
- 624. Yeah, look, Magellan,
we're at this wrinkle here.
- 625. Deer!
- 626. You saw what happened.
There was nothing I could do, right?
- 627. Maybe if you didn't lean over to
insult me, you would've seen it coming.
- 628. Shut up, Tommy. It's not my fault.
- 629. - Poor little furry thing.
- I've never seen one close up before.
- 630. What are we gonna do?
We can't just leave it here.
- 631. Oh, no,
loading it up took us over an hour.
- 632. Now we only got 20 minutes
before Brady Automotive closes.
- 633. - Where are we gonna take the deer?
- I don't know, the vet?
- 634. - You take dead animals to the vet?
- Why not? I'd take you to the vet.
- 635. Yeah, I'll take you to the...
- 636. - Got that?
- Shut up.
- 637. He's just down the hall, sir,
last door on the left.
- 638. Thank you.
- 639. What's your hurry?
- 640. You know that thing in the back seat?
It's not an air freshener.
- 641. It's a dead, rotting deer carcass.
We gotta take care of it quick.
- 642. This is one of our oldest customers,
so we should be in and out.
- 643. This sales thing isn't so easy.
You can't just go in and out.
- 644. You gotta finesse them a little bit.
- 645. By finesse do you mean
sputtering out sentence fragments
- 646. and lighting things on fire?
- 647. No. But it's nice to see you again,
- 648. Say, have you seen Richard anywhere?
Because if you do, could you ask him
- 649. I mean since he's so good,
if he might want to try selling?
- 650. - Oh, yeah?
- 651. Watch and learn.
- 652. Of course I understand what no means.
- 653. But if I took no for an answer
- 654. I'd wind up on a street corner
selling spicy hot dogs
- 655. and wearing a funny hat, right?
It makes sense, doesn't it?
- 656. Look, I've been doing business with
Callahan since I hung out my shingle.
- 657. But I don't like you.
- 658. Probably never will.
You're a smug, unhappy little man.
- 659. And you treat people
like they were idiots.
- 660. Mr. Brady, you and my dad go way back.
- 661. Son, I was sorry to hear
about your dad. I was.
- 662. But before I decide
to keep my business
- 663. with your place, I'd have to come by
and have a look at your new operation.
- 664. I'll tell you what, you can take
a good look at a butcher's ass
- 665. by sticking your head up there, but
wouldn't you rather take his word for it?
- 666. What?
- 667. I'm failing to make
the connection here, son.
- 668. No. I mean
- 669. you can get a good look at a T-bone by
sticking your head up a butcher's ass.
- 670. - But then... No. It's gotta be your bull.
- 671. Here's the deal. If I want you...
- 672. - You have derailed.
- Shut up, Richard.
- 673. Boy, I'm really at a loss for words here.
- 674. Forget it, I quit.
I can't do this anymore, man.
- 675. My head's about to explode.
My whole life sucks.
- 676. I don't know what I'm doing.
I don't know where I'm going.
- 677. My dad just died. We just killed Bambi.
I'm out here getting my ass kicked
- 678. and every time I drive down the road
I want to jerk the wheel
- 679. into a goddamn bridge abutment!
- 680. I can't...
- 681. We'll be in touch.
- 682. - That guy might not call us.
- I can't believe he called me a psycho.
- 683. Were you in there just now?
You are a psycho. Good God.
- 684. And comb your hair.
- 685. Well,
I wouldn't say you did much better.
- 686. Thought you were so cool.
"Watch and learn," he says.
- 687. Well, I was watching. Know what I saw?
- 688. It's alive!
- 689. I think it tried to bite me!
- 690. Oh, man!
- 691. No way that just happened.
- 692. My car is completely destroyed.
- 693. I swear I've seen a lot of stuff in my life.
- 694. But that was
- 695. awesome!
- 696. But sorry about your car, man.
- 697. We'; I return to the Zalinsky Family
Theater after these messages.
- 698. Will you shut the window, Tom?
You're letting moths in.
- 699. No, it's hot in here.
- 700. - Would you please just...
- Look, it's him.
- 701. America, if you need starters,
- 702. ball joints, gaskets, cam shafts,
- 703. U-joints or rocker arms,
anything that can be screwed or glued
- 704. to that car or truck of yours,
come see old Ray.
- 705. You want a guarantee?
I got a guarantee stamped on every box.
- 706. He's got really weird hair.
- 707. But more important is the guarantee
that I make to the American worker.
- 708. I want your truck to help you
get the job done.
- 709. I want your cruiser to get out there
safely, so you can clean up the streets.
- 710. And I want your kids to be safe
when you take them for a ride.
- 711. Thanks, Ray.
- 712. Thank you, son.
- 713. The name's Zalinsky. I make car parts
for the American working man
- 714. because that's what I am.
And that's who I care about.
- 715. Drive on down to Zalinsky's
The auto parts king!
- 716. He seems like a nice guy.
- 717. This is the guy trying to
buy the company
- 718. not to mention
put you out in the street
- 719. and all you can say is,
"He seems like a nice guy."
- 720. He does.
- 721. Hello.
- 722. Michelle! Wow!
I'm glad you called me back.
- 723. Yeah, things are going great.
I feel my first sale coming on real soon.
- 724. Yeah, he's here.
- 725. He's just going over
his car insurance forms.
- 726. Could we get any more moths in here?
- 727. What? Richard's vacuuming.
- 728. He's vacuuming.
I don't know, I guess he's clean.
- 729. Michelle, can I call you back
in a few minutes?
- 730. Thanks. I miss you. Bye.
- 731. You can't sleep with the window open.
- 732. And I'm gonna lay down
some other rules, too.
- 733. What are you so mad about?
- 734. Are you nuts? Do you even have to ask?
My car is destroyed.
- 735. We haven't made one sale.
- 736. Which means
we only have to sell about
- 737. a half a million brake pads
in the next 10 days.
- 738. Or else the factory's going under.
And the one guy that should care
- 739. about all this, you, doesn't.
- 740. You know what, Richard?
- 741. You don't know me
as good as you think you do.
- 742. I care about stuff.
I'm getting better at this sales thing.
- 743. I'm not, but I could if you help me.
- 744. Forget it. I got enough to do
without having to change your diapers.
- 745. Richard, is this your coat?
- 746. - Don't do it.
- Fat guy in a little coat.
- 747. Don't.
- 748. Fat guy in a little coat
- 749. - Take it off, dickhead. I'm serious.
- Richard, what's happening...
- 750. - Good tune, man.
- I don't think so.
- 751. Yeah. Here we go.
- 752. This song sucks.
- 753. - Talk about lame.
- 754. - You can change it if you want.
- I don't care. It's up to you.
- 755. - I can live with it if you can.
- Suit yourself.
- 756. Oh, God.
- 757. I was just thinking.
- 758. When we stopped for gas this morning,
I think it was you who put the oil in.
- 759. If you're saying I didn't put
the right kind in, you're wrong.
- 760. I used 10W-30.
- 761. Besides, motor oil would have nothing
to do with this accident.
- 762. True. But you can't latch the hood
too well if you don't take the can out
- 763. you no-selling waste of space.
- 764. I swear to God you're worthless.
- 765. I'm sorry about your car.
- 766. But don't call me worthless.
I'm trying my best.
- 767. - I'm not my dad.
- That's right. You're not your dad.
- 768. He could sell a ketchup Popsicle
to a woman in white gloves.
- 769. - Ketchup Popsicle?
- 770. I learned everything I know from him.
- 771. I didn't have a father.
He looked out for me.
- 772. But you, he was your real dad
and you just took it for granted.
- 773. "I'm Big Tom's son. He'll fix everything,
so I'm allowed to be a moron."
- 774. That's it!
- 775. Get out! Get out of the car!
- 776. It's go time. You and me!
- 777. "Look, Mommy, the rhino's
getting too close to the car."
- 778. "Him too afraid to get out,
he just a little guy."
- 779. That's it, big boy. I'm gonna wail on you.
- 780. You're gonna regret
volunteering for this job, porky.
- 781. Hey, boys and girls, it's Papa Smurf!
- 782. You don't want none of me,
think it through.
- 783. Come on, give me your best shot.
I'll give you a free one. Let me have it.
- 784. That was it?
- 785. Come on, you can do better than that.
- 786. Can't you, Captain Limp Wrist?
- 787. Everybody, is there a window open?
I feel a draft.
- 788. If I wanted a kiss,
I would have called your mother.
- 789. That was a good one.
- 790. Hey, Prehistoric Forest.
- 791. Richard, do I have a mark on my face?
It really hurts.
- 792. Nope, nothing.
I thought I hit you in the shoulder.
- 793. My shoulder doesn't hurt very much,
but my face does.
- 794. Right here.
- 795. Not here or here so much,
but right here.
- 796. Nope. Shipshape.
- 797. Waitress, could I get that
shrimp cocktail I saw in the glass case?
- 798. Yep.
- 799. And, you, what can I get...
- 800. - Jesus, what happened to your face?
- I knew it. See, Richard?
- 801. I'll have chicken wings.
- 802. Kitchen's closed until dinner.
We just got cold stuff and desserts.
- 803. Boy, some chicken wings
would really hit the spot.
- 804. You sure it's closed?
- 805. Let me check. Yep, it's closed.
- 806. Okay.
I'll just have a sugar packet or two.
- 807. - Hey, what's your name?
- 808. That's nice. You look like a Helen.
Helen, we're both in sales.
- 809. Let me tell you why
I suck as a salesman.
- 810. Let's say I go into some guy's office.
- 811. Let's say he's even remotely interested
in buying something.
- 812. Then I get all excited.
- 813. I'm like Jo Jo the Idiot Circus Boy
with a pretty new pet.
- 814. The pet is my possible sale.
- 815. My pretty little pet, I love you.
- 816. So I stroke it and I pet it
and I massage it.
- 817. I love it.
- 818. I love my little naughty pet.
- 819. Then I take my naughty pet and I go...
- 820. I killed it!
- 821. I killed my sale!
- 822. That's when I blow it.
- 823. That's when people like us
have got to forge ahead, Helen.
- 824. Am I right?
- 825. God, you're sick.
- 826. Tell you what.
- 827. I'll go turn the fryers back on
and throw some wings in for you.
- 828. Thanks, Helen.
- 829. Tommy likey. Tommy want wingy.
- 830. Did that board to the head
knock something loose?
- 831. What are you talking about?
- 832. That 180 you just pulled
with the waitress.
- 833. - Why can't you sell like that?
- I was just having fun.
- 834. If we didn't get the wings, so what?
- 835. We still got that Meat Lover's pizza
in the trunk.
- 836. You got the wings 'cause you were
relaxed, so you had confidence.
- 837. And that's what it takes to sell,
confidence. Your dad had that.
- 838. Why do you always
have to de-turd these things?
- 839. - My dad was smart, I'm not.
- Very true.
- 840. But there's two types of smarts,
- 841. book smarts, which waved bye-bye
to you long ago
- 842. and there's street smart,
the ability to read people.
- 843. And you know how to do that
just like your dad.
- 844. He was the best at knowing
what people wanted to hear
- 845. and what people needed to hear.
That's what selling is all about.
- 846. In a way, these people are buying you,
not just brake pads.
- 847. Hey, everybody. It's Tony Robbins.
- 848. - Maybe you're right, Richard.
- I think I am.
- 849. Holy Lord, look at this guy. Caught him
right after Thanksgiving feast.
- 850. - Nice, Richard.
- God, I need a pooper-scooper.
- 851. I like your line. And I like your prices.
But there's a problem.
- 852. There's no guarantee on the box.
- 853. Heck, if something breaks down you can
call me, even if I'm home watching TV.
- 854. Callahan has guaranteed
every part sold since 1925.
- 855. Maybe so, but it's not on the box.
- 856. It should always be on the box,
comforting you, calling out:
- 857. "I'm good. I'll never let you down.
- 858. "But if I do,
I'm gonna make things all better."
- 859. Our brake pads are made
with a non-corrosive polyplated...
- 860. If you're not talking about a guarantee,
- 861. My customers need to see that
little label looking them right in the eye.
- 862. You can get a good look
at your butcher...
- 863. - No.
- 864. - Remember, chicken wings.
- Chicken wings?
- 865. All right, you want to talk
about guarantees, then...
- 866. Fellows, you just ran out of time.
- 867. Chicken wings.
- 868. Let's think about this for a sec, Ted.
- 869. Why would somebody
put a guarantee on a box?
- 870. - Very interesting.
- Go on, I'm listening.
- 871. Here's the way I see it.
- 872. A guy puts a fancy guarantee on a box
- 873. because he wants you to feel all warm
and toasty inside.
- 874. - Yeah. Makes a man feel good.
- Of course it does. Why shouldn't it?
- 875. You figure you put that box
under your pillow at night
- 876. the Guarantee Fairy might come by
and leave a quarter, am I right, Ted?
- 877. What's your point?
- 878. The point is, how do you know
the fairy isn't a Krazy Glue sniffer?
- 879. "Build a model airplane," says the
little fairy. Well, we're not buying it.
- 880. He sneaks into your house once,
that's all it takes.
- 881. Next thing there's money missing off the
dresser, your daughter's knocked up.
- 882. I've seen it 100 times...
- 883. But why do they
put a guarantee on the box then?
- 884. Because they know all they sold you
was a guaranteed piece of shit.
- 885. That's all it is, isn't it?
- 886. If you want me to take a dump
in a box and mark it guaranteed, I will.
- 887. I got spare time.
- 888. But for now, for your customers' sake,
for your daughter's sake
- 889. you might want to think about
buying a quality product from me.
- 890. - Okay, I'll buy from you.
- Well, that's...
- 891. - What?
- 892. He's made one deal, Paul,
it's not the end of the world.
- 893. What would be good for us?
We want to sell the factory.
- 894. They're not gonna sell the factory
as long as Tommy keeps making sales.
- 895. Why don't you come to bed?
- 896. I got it! What does every factory need?
- 897. Trucks. They make stuff.
They've got to ship it, it's a must.
- 898. You see, it's all very simple really.
- 899. Stop the trucks, stop Tommy Boy.
- 900. God!
- 901. Not good.
- 902. Come on, man. Let's at least take five
minutes to celebrate our first victory.
- 903. Look, we got lucky, don't jinx it.
- 904. We only have a week left
before the loan's due.
- 905. I've gotta finish figuring out
our trip tonight so we can jam out early.
- 906. I'll tell you what.
You work out all the scientific stuff,
- 907. I'll go out and get a pizza.
- 908. The only thing I need to figure out
- 909. is whether to get Chicago style
or the thin crust.
- 910. The salesman has left the building.
- 911. See you in a little bit.
- 912. Oh, mamacita.
- 913. Hi.
- 914. Tommy, scram.
Don't give her the weight-room thing.
- 915. You know where the weight room is?
I'll check it out.
- 916. Sorry.
- 917. Idiot.
- 918. Daddy like.
- 919. You get wet, honey.
You deserve a swim.
- 920. Now take off that itchy robe.
- 921. Nobody is around. It's naughty time.
- 922. For the love of God, I've been patient.
Please don't stop.
- 923. We've been on the road...
Those are real.
- 924. No one's looking.
- 925. Speaking of no one's looking...
- 926. Bad girl.
- 927. Thank you.
- 928. I'm back.
- 929. Richard, what were you doing?
- 930. Going over some documents.
- 931. Where are they? Jeez, I don't see them.
- 932. They're in my briefcase.
- 933. - I thought you were getting pizza.
- They were closed.
- 934. How could you be reading documents
when they're in your briefcase?
- 935. That's a mystery.
- 936. Richard, were you watching
- 937. Okay, then, let's hit it.
- 938. Maybe you were watching a movie
with that funny comedian,
- 939. what's his name, Buddy Whack-it?
- 940. All right, then, let's get some shuteye.
- 941. - That's a pretty girl down there.
- Good for her.
- 942. Jeez, I wonder if she goes out
with one of the Yankees.
- 943. Couldn't tell you.
- 944. Big day tomorrow.
- 945. I hope we can keep
this momentum going.
- 946. Yep, that'd be good.
- 947. Richard?
Who's your favorite Little Rascal?
- 948. Alfalfa or is it Spanky?
- 949. Sinner.
- 950. Yes, I'll buy it.
- 951. Yes, I like what I hear.
- 952. Yes, sounds good.
- 953. By the way, did you ever eat paint chips
as a kid?
- 954. - Son of a...
- 955. I'm okay.
- 956. A thousand units to Oshkosh?
Tommy, that's fabulous.
- 957. Your dad never sold 1,000 in Oshkosh.
Not since I've been here.
- 958. Lord, I've never had to tinkle so bad
in all of my life.
- 959. What the...
- 960. Richard, you're a riot!
- 961. Stop the car. Son of a...
- 962. What the hell's gotten into you?
- 963. My thing got stuck in my zipper,
I got piss all over my pants.
- 964. Okay, thanks. Bye. I owe you.
- 965. There you are.
- 966. While I was waiting,
I thought I'd make a couple of calls.
- 967. Okay, Mom.
I'll call you later then. Bye-bye.
- 968. - So what do you want?
- I just wanted to tell you
- 969. that Tommy's been
talking a lot about you recently.
- 970. And, well,
I thought you might want to know that.
- 971. God, he's so sweet.
- 972. You have no idea how much it means
having you and your mom as family.
- 973. - He says the sweetest things about her.
- Everything he does is sweet.
- 974. So when does sweetie get back?
- 975. This Friday, which is great
- 976. because we're backed up
on orders as it is.
- 977. He turned into this selling machine.
- 978. Well, between that and sweetness,
I'd say hang on to him.
- 979. I gotta go.
- 980. Yes, sir,
I can have that for you tomorrow.
- 981. Well, that would be great.
Thank you, sir.
- 982. Yes!
- 983. - Housekeeping.
- No, thank you. Sleeping.
- 984. - Housekeeping.
- Can you come back here in an hour?
- 985. - Housekeeping. You want towel?
- No towels, need sleepy.
- 986. Housekeeping, you want mint for pillow?
- 987. Please go away.
Let me sleep, for the love of God!
- 988. Housekeeping,
you want me jerk you off?
- 989. What kind of hotel is this?
- 990. - Oh, it's you.
- Good morning, sunshine.
- 991. Guess what? I just called Auto Tech
and they decided to make an order.
- 992. So, according to my calculations,
that puts us over the mark.
- 993. - We did it?
- We did it.
- 994. Yes! Richard, I'm so happy. Hold me.
- 995. - Yikes.
- Don't run away from your feelings.
- 996. Something went haywire
down at Shipping and Receiving.
- 997. Your shipments got screwed up
in the computer,
- 998. the wrong parts
went to the wrong cities.
- 999. Now all hell has broken loose.
- 1000. I don't believe this.
- 1001. Okay. So we call everyone
and explain what happened.
- 1002. Half the orders have
already been canceled.
- 1003. What?
- 1004. They think it's an indication
of how things work around here.
- 1005. The real problem is that we won't be
able to make the payment to the bank.
- 1006. This is like a bad Twilight Zone.
I think I'm growing a tumor.
- 1007. Look, we talk to the bank,
maybe they'll give us a break.
- 1008. Hell, we've been doing business
with them for 23 years.
- 1009. Tommy, it's all over.
- 1010. You made a valiant effort,
but we're gonna have to sell to Zalinsky.
- 1011. I'm flying to Chicago
to sign over the company.
- 1012. - What's gonna happen to the factory?
- He's gonna shut it down.
- 1013. Zalinsky doesn't care
about our workers.
- 1014. He wants the Callahan name, that's all.
- 1015. Did anyone see Scanners?
- 1016. The bottom line is, by 6:00 p.m.
tomorrow we'll all be unemployed.
- 1017. Don't say anything, okay?
- 1018. I know I've ruined your entire life
and you hate me.
- 1019. So let me just pack my things and I'll go
crawl into a dark hole for a few years.
- 1020. Hi.
- 1021. - So, do you hate me?
- I just don't get it.
- 1022. I guaranteed overnight delivery.
- 1023. I mean, we faxed you
our shipping addresses, didn't we?
- 1024. Yes. And they were right when I
put them into my computer, I swear.
- 1025. Then how could...
- 1026. Man, this was so big!
- 1027. I know it was big, but it wasn't my fault.
- 1028. Why can't you put your files
in the file cabinets like everybody else?
- 1029. Maybe if you weren't such a rebel
you could avoid...
- 1030. Don't worry, because I've quit.
- 1031. So you won't have to put up
with anything anymore.
- 1032. Michelle, wait. Come on, please?
- 1033. Thanks. Have a good flight.
- 1034. May I help you?
- 1035. I called about a ticket
to Cuyahoga Falls.
- 1036. - The name's Brock.
- 1037. That flight's going through Columbus.
Let me just call that up for you.
- 1038. Excuse me.
- 1039. Come on.
- 1040. Hello, is Detective Duane Brock
on duty today?
- 1041. This town doesn't even know
what's about to hit it.
- 1042. Fish in a barrel, my friend.
- 1043. Town's the fish,
the people are the barrel.
- 1044. Fish in a barrel.
- 1045. What's wrong with you, Richard?
You can't drink in a car.
- 1046. Don't you know
we can get busted for that?
- 1047. I'm sorry. I did not know that.
- 1048. But right now we got a bigger problem.
- 1049. - That is?
- Beer's coming back up.
- 1050. Oh, Lord!
- 1051. Here we go.
- 1052. Cops! Damn it, Richard.
The whole car smells like beer.
- 1053. They're never gonna believe
I wasn't drinking.
- 1054. - Hold on.
- What are you doing?
- 1055. I've got an idea.
- 1056. What the hell?
- 1057. When I stop the car, run out screaming.
- 1058. No problem.
- 1059. Little trick my dad taught me.
- 1060. Bees! Bees in the car!
- 1061. Bees everywhere!
- 1062. God, they're huge!
They're ripping my flesh off!
- 1063. Son, roll around. Did you hear me?
Roll around on the ground.
- 1064. Forget that. I'm starting to swell up!
- 1065. Save yourself, Tommy!
Don't be the hero!
- 1066. - Frank, I'm allergic to bees.
- Me, too.
- 1067. They're huge and they're sting-crazy!
- 1068. We'll come back later
and check on you.
- 1069. Yeah, in a while.
- 1070. Save yourself!
- 1071. Your firearms are useless against them!
- 1072. Holy schnikes, it worked.
- 1073. I just barfed on an ant hill.
- 1074. Cool. Whoa. I think they're pissed.
- 1075. Yeah. That's the answer.
- 1076. It doesn't look like the answer.
- 1077. - I don't remember eating that.
- No! Zalinsky.
- 1078. We'll go to Chicago,
tell him we're not for sale.
- 1079. He seems like a good guy on TV.
- 1080. You are dreaming. You can't stop him.
- 1081. You lost your shares to the bank,
- 1082. What the hell! In less than 24 hours
I lose the factory anyway.
- 1083. So why not give it a shot?
- 1084. - Chicago?
- 1085. - You can't park here.
- Keep it.
- 1086. Where are you going?
- 1087. Leave me a message
and I'll get back to you. Thanks.
- 1088. Hi, Michelle, this is Tommy.
- 1089. Listen, I'm sorry about what I said.
I was being an idiot.
- 1090. I want to apologize
'cause I didn't mean it.
- 1091. Anyway, Richard and I are going
to Chicago to straighten things out.
- 1092. The next flight to Chicago
boards in five minutes
- 1093. but I'm sorry, it's completely sold out.
- 1094. I can put you on another one
at 3:00 this afternoon.
- 1095. Lady, we really need to get to Chicago.
It's an emergency.
- 1096. Is there anything you can do?
- 1097. I can put you in at Salt Lake City
by 4:00. And there's another flight...
- 1098. I don't have time to go
through another city.
- 1099. I need a direct flight to Chicago.
- 1100. I can reserve you a flight coming
back from Chicago at 5:55.
- 1101. - Does that help?
- Hi, I'm Earth. Have we met?
- 1102. I don't think so.
- 1103. So I'll talk to you later? Okay, bye.
- 1104. We're screwed. No tickets to Chicago.
Not even stand-by.
- 1105. There's got to be something we can do.
- 1106. Flight 481 for Chicago...
- 1107. Wait a minute. You got any money?
- 1108. 'Cause I got a plan.
- 1109. Yikes!
- 1110. We're gonna get busted,
let's get out of here.
- 1111. Too late. Hey, guess who's here?
- 1112. What are we serving tonight,
chicken or chicken?
- 1113. What a nice surprise, they said we
were gonna be short-handed this leg.
- 1114. You two take coach.
Could you handle the announcements?
- 1115. - Okey-dokey. No problemo.
- They're gonna know we're bogus.
- 1116. Relax. You get on the horn.
I'll throw some peanuts at them.
- 1117. We'll be in Chicago before you know it.
- 1118. Okay, folks.
The guy in front of you is Tommy.
- 1119. He'll be taking you
through my little spiel here.
- 1120. Tommy is a Scorpio, he likes biking,
and he's never been laid.
- 1121. Exits. Okay, there's one back here
- 1122. and there's probably one
over by the wing somewhere. Usually.
- 1123. And what about seat belts?
- 1124. To fasten, take the little end
and stick it in the big end and...
- 1125. Hey, know what?
- 1126. If you don't know how to use
a seat belt, ring your call button
- 1127. and Tommy will come hit you on
the head with a tack hammer
- 1128. 'cause you're a retard.
- 1129. Okay, and life preservers.
- 1130. These, we may need.
- 1131. Although what are the odds of us
actually hitting a lake?
- 1132. My money says if anything
it's gonna be a mountain.
- 1133. To inflate, put it around your neck
and yank down on the tabs.
- 1134. Damn!
- 1135. Son of a...
- 1136. I can't breathe!
- 1137. I'm choking!
- 1138. He's a big, dumb animal, isn't he, folks?
- 1139. Folks, we're making our final approach
- 1140. Ma'am, you still alive?
- 1141. Ma'am, there's a half-hour time limit.
- 1142. ¡Ay, caramba!
- 1143. Okay, now, we're running out of time,
so you can't go see Zalinsky like that.
- 1144. Now, go change.
- 1145. Go.
- 1146. Can you do your seat belt?
- 1147. I'm okay. I'm fine. I'm fine now.
- 1148. - What are you doing?
- I'm nervous, so I'm sweating.
- 1149. You're gonna smell like a cab driver.
Not to say that that's bad.
- 1150. I want to be fresh for the meeting.
- 1151. - You look good. Are you ready?
- Ready or not, this is crunch time.
- 1152. 525, that's it.
- 1153. Son of a... That's gonna leave a mark.
- 1154. Look at this place.
- 1155. Welcome to the pros.
- 1156. No way! It's him!
- 1157. There he is, my friend.
The King himself.
- 1158. Let's do it. It's go time.
- 1159. - Where'd he go?
- I don't know.
- 1160. You check the elevators.
I'll check the bank.
- 1161. Where is he?
- 1162. Listen up. This will only take a second.
- 1163. Does anybody...
- 1164. Jeez.
- 1165. - What's going on out here?
- Walk slow.
- 1166. - Okay. Why?
- 1167. - Am I consorting with a known felon?
- Shut up, Richard.
- 1168. Hey, Mom,
it's the guy who robbed the bank.
- 1169. - I didn't rob any bank.
- Yeah, right.
- 1170. Like it was some other real fat guy
with a tiny head.
- 1171. I got a tiny head?
- 1172. Zalinsky.
- 1173. Say something.
- 1174. Mr. Zalinsky? I'm Tommy Callahan,
Big Tom Callahan's son.
- 1175. Sorry to hear about your dad.
He was a good man.
- 1176. Went a little heavy
on the pine-tree perfume there, kid.
- 1177. Sir, it's a taxi-cab air freshener.
- 1178. Great, you've pinpointed it.
Step two is washing it off.
- 1179. Sir, what exactly happened here?
- 1180. He came out of the shadows behind me.
- 1181. And after he hit me many times
in the head with a hammer,
- 1182. I had to give him my gun.
You know, I've got kids.
- 1183. So, as more details emerge
on this attempted bank robbery
- 1184. Action 8 will be there.
- 1185. But the Callahan factory
has been in my family for 70 years,
- 1186. you can't just shut it down.
- 1187. You got to look at it
from my point of view.
- 1188. Callahan's a premium name.
That's what I'm buying.
- 1189. I can make the parts in one of my
factories, put them in a Callahan box
- 1190. and sell them in my stores
at a premium price.
- 1191. Why keep your factory going
when all I want is the goddamn box?
- 1192. I'll tell you why.
Because there's a town involved here.
- 1193. Callahan factory is the only thing
keeping it alive.
- 1194. Believe it or not, I'm providing a service.
I'm thinning the corporate herd.
- 1195. You've seen Daktari,
the weaker animals always go.
- 1196. Sure the kids cry when you tie old Tiger
to a tree and shoot him.
- 1197. But that's life.
America's in a state of renewal.
- 1198. We gotta have the strength
to tie a few factories to a tree
- 1199. and bash them with a shovel.
- 1200. Meanwhile, if I can grab your share
of the market,
- 1201. put a little coin in my pocket
by being the asshole,
- 1202. well, what the hell? Know what I mean?
- 1203. Boy, you sure are different
in your TV commercials.
- 1204. What the American public
- 1205. is what makes them
the American public.
- 1206. All right?
- 1207. God, I love that.
- 1208. Hell, folks believe me when I tell them
- 1209. we're not just building
automotive components here,
- 1210. we're adding horsepower
to American industry.
- 1211. You say one word to anyone and I will
kill you, do you understand me?
- 1212. It looks real.
- 1213. Yeah, television's been
good to me, son.
- 1214. "I make car parts
for the American working man
- 1215. "because that's what I am,
and that's who I care about."
- 1216. The truth is, I make car parts
for the American working man
- 1217. because I'm a hell of a salesman,
and he doesn't know any better.
- 1218. Son, since you're no longer
a shareholder, this is where I leave you.
- 1219. Don't feel bad. This chain of events
was set in motion a long time ago.
- 1220. You and your bald-headed friend did
what you could, that's commendable.
- 1221. Marty, have Security see these boys out.
- 1222. - Mrs. Callahan.
- 1223. I trust your trip went well.
- 1224. What's my family doing in there?
- 1225. I thought they were on my side.
- 1226. They had a lot to gain
if the factory was sold.
- 1227. Boy, did I screw up.
- 1228. My so-called family deserted me.
Michelle's mad at me.
- 1229. I lost the factory. The town's
going under, and I'm out of a job.
- 1230. Could have done without that.
Jeez! I'm an idiot!
- 1231. - Boy, I sure let my dad down.
- You tried as hard as you could.
- 1232. When we first started out,
I thought you'd just walk through this
- 1233. like you walk through everything else.
But you didn't.
- 1234. Your dad would have been proud of you.
- 1235. And you got a friend out of it.
- 1236. Now, I know it doesn't matter,
because you have so many, but
- 1237. I don't.
- 1238. Thanks, man.
- 1239. Tommy!
- 1240. Michelle!
- 1241. - Don't tell her about my hair.
- Let it go.
- 1242. God, I was worried I wouldn't find you.
- 1243. - What are you doing here?
- I got your message.
- 1244. Okay, I was at the airport.
I was going home
- 1245. and I saw your stepbrother and your
stepmother and he was kissing her.
- 1246. - So?
- With his tongue.
- 1247. - He's doing his mommy?
- She's not his mom. They're married.
- 1248. They were lying to your dad
the whole time.
- 1249. My brother got his police report. See?
- 1250. - They lied to my dad?
- They're con artists. They suckered him.
- 1251. They lied to my dad.
- 1252. Richard, I'm gonna need your watch.
I've got a plan.
- 1253. Yikes!
- 1254. Folks, Mr. Zalinsky gave us
- 1255. to bar you from the building.
- 1256. Sorry, boys.
Hopefully, we'll just be in and out.
- 1257. - My God, he's wired.
- And no cops.
- 1258. Wouldn't want things to get messy.
- 1259. - That was fun.
- Now what?
- 1260. Well, it's 6:00. Time for the news.
- 1261. Excuse me! Miss?
- 1262. Oh, God.
- 1263. Done this before?
- 1264. Thank you, Marty.
- 1265. My, your hands move quickly.
- 1266. Only when I see something I want,
- 1267. It just doesn't seem right.
- 1268. Hi! Got a second?
- 1269. - What the hell's going on here?
- Oh, my God. We're gonna die.
- 1270. - Tommy, what are you doing?
- Hi, Ted. Hi, Frank. Excuse me, Marty.
- 1271. Okay, we're live.
- 1272. We now switch live to our reporter
who is at the scene with the bomber.
- 1273. This is Nicole Taylor
in downtown Chicago.
- 1274. Look, it's Tommy!
- 1275. - who says he strapped a bomb...
- Nicole, I've got something to say.
- 1276. Please. May I?
- 1277. Hi, this is Tommy Callahan here
with Mr. Ray Zalinsky
- 1278. American Auto Parts King.
- 1279. Honey, look at this human bomb
on the news.
- 1280. Yeah, I buy brake pads off him.
I thought we were watching cartoons.
- 1281. Mr. Zalinsky, for years
you've been putting ads on TV.
- 1282. And they always end up with you saying,
"I make car parts for..."
- 1283. How does it go?
- 1284. I make car parts
for the American working man
- 1285. because that's what I am
and that's who I care about.
- 1286. And that's why I'm here, Ray.
You see, back in Sandusky, Ohio,
- 1287. there are 300 American workers
at Callahan Auto.
- 1288. We make the best parts money can buy.
- 1289. Right now those workers
are in danger of losing their jobs.
- 1290. They're praying somebody's gonna
step up and help them.
- 1291. Is that why you
strapped a bomb to your chest?
- 1292. This isn't a bomb.
These are road flares.
- 1293. Road flares? Did you live under
power lines as a kid or something?
- 1294. Why?
- 1295. You guys want this
or American Gladiators?
- 1296. Gladiators.
- 1297. So, do you think Zalinsky Industries
can help these folks?
- 1298. I'll be happy to look into it.
- 1299. I'll tell you what.
I can get a good look at a T-bone
- 1300. by sticking my head up a bull's ass
- 1301. but I'd rather take
the butcher's word for it.
- 1302. Am I just severely wasted
or does Tommy look bloated?
- 1303. No, it's TV, man.
Camera adds a couple hundred pounds.
- 1304. Ray, we're not looking
for a handout here.
- 1305. I'm offering you a great deal.
- 1306. This is an order for half a million
Callahan brake pads
- 1307. to be sold in your stores
- 1308. made by the American working man
for the American working man.
- 1309. Well, absolutely.
- 1310. It would be my great pleasure.
I mean, what have I got to lose?
- 1311. A great American product, right?
- 1312. I don't believe it. Tommy just sold
half a million brake pads.
- 1313. Tommy just sold
a half a million brake pads!
- 1314. Yeah!
- 1315. What difference does it make?
- 1316. The company's gonna be mine
in 10 minutes anyway, right?
- 1317. Mr. Zalinsky, thank you.
- 1318. Thank you, Tommy Boy. And thank you.
- 1319. And remember, you can pick up these
great brake pads from Callahan Auto
- 1320. at all my Zalinsky Auto Parts outlets
all over North America.
- 1321. Go, Tommy!
- 1322. For the moment it looks like a tragedy
- 1323. has been averted
and a town has been saved.
- 1324. For Action News, I'm Nicole Taylor,
- 1325. Okay. We're out of here.
- 1326. Wait a minute, fat boy.
You lost your shares to the bank.
- 1327. You don't even have a right to be here.
- 1328. Gee, funny you should bring that up.
- 1329. 'Cause I'm not sure
that you have the right to be here.
- 1330. What have we got here?
- 1331. - My God, it's a police report.
- Now what's all this about?
- 1332. Let's see.
Paul Barrish, married, May, 1993
- 1333. to Beverly Barrish, a.k.a. Beverly Burns.
- 1334. Richard, how could Beverly be married
to Paul and my dad at the same time?
- 1335. - Interesting.
- Yes. Provocative.
- 1336. What I think it means is your marriage
to my dad was never legal.
- 1337. Which also means that Beverly's shares
still belong to Tommy.
- 1338. - Isn't that right, Mr. Rittenhauer?
- Yes. I believe that's right.
- 1339. - Mr. Reilly?
- I'd say that's right.
- 1340. - Mr. Gilmore?
- 1341. And let me guess.
- 1342. You're not going to be selling me
the company now.
- 1343. - Are you, Tommy Boy?
- No, sir.
- 1344. Ray, I have no idea
what they're talking about.
- 1345. That's it. I'm not going to take this.
- 1346. - It's not over yet, Lee Harvey.
- Let's see.
- 1347. Warrants outstanding:
New Mexico, mail fraud
- 1348. Colorado, wire fraud
- 1349. and coming soon to Ohio,
- 1350. Get him!
- 1351. Don't let him leave the complex, Marty.
- 1352. - Hey, you forgot your wife.
- Screw you. Screw all of you!
- 1353. Crash test in progress.
- 1354. - Not good.
- Hit the brakes.
- 1355. That will ruin his weekend.
- 1356. Well, kid, you threw one by me.
- 1357. Savor the flavor because it sure as hell
won't happen again.
- 1358. - In the meantime, good luck to you.
- Thank you, sir.
- 1359. Marty, cut a check to Callahan Auto
for those brake pads.
- 1360. - Yes, sir.
- And you,
- 1361. with all this excitement here,
I kind of got a little hungry.
- 1362. Want to step over to my club
and we'll grab something to eat?
- 1363. - Thank you. I'd like that.
- 1364. Marty, find out where the police
will be taking him.
- 1365. Send over a bottle of bubbly
with a bucket of ice and a card.
- 1366. Have it say, "Tough break.
Get drunk on me.
- 1367. "Use the bucket to ice down
your marbles. Yours, Z."
- 1368. Well, Mr. Callahan,
looks like we're back in business.
- 1369. Yes, sir, Mr. Rittenhauer.
- 1370. - That's great, Tommy.
- Great, Tommy.
- 1371. Thanks.
- 1372. Way to go, Tommy Callahan.
- 1373. - That was pathetic.
- Shut up, Richard.
- 1374. This is a very proud day for me.
- 1375. I want to introduce you
to the new president of Callahan Auto,
- 1376. Tom Callahan, Jr.
- 1377. Tommy, will you say something?
- 1378. Ever since I was a kid, you people
have been like a family to me.
- 1379. Louis, we built our first fort together.
- 1380. And, Danny, remember when we used
to burn ants with a magnifying glass?
- 1381. R.T., I lost my virginity to your daughter,
for crying out loud.
- 1382. Rob, you were there.
- 1383. Anyway, I just want you to know
that as long as I'm around
- 1384. I'm gonna bust my butt
- 1385. and make sure that
every last one of you
- 1386. always has a job right here at Callahan.
- 1387. Dad, I got a little problem here.
- 1388. I've been stuck out here for an hour
with no wind again
- 1389. and I'm supposed to be at Michelle's
- 1390. So if you could give me a little help
I'd appreciate it.
- 1391. If not, don't worry about it.
- 1392. I'm trying to do everything
I think you'd be doing
- 1393. and so far it's going pretty good.
- 1394. I just want to tell you
that I still love you and
- 1395. I sure miss you a lot.
- 1396. Thanks, Dad.
- 1397. Son of a... That's gonna leave a mark.