1. - Ow, ow, ow! Fuck!Copy !req
2. Oh, fuck! God damn it!Copy !req
3. Why is that so hot?Copy !req
4. - It's okay. Just, uh...Copy !req
5. Thanks, I'm just looking for,
uh, looking for an affidavit.Copy !req
6. You may have noticed in the news,Copy !req
7. I am part of a pretty rough
divorce, and it is, uh...Copy !req
8. It's a real motherfucker, so uh, I am not-Copy !req
9. - Going live in 10.
- (sighs) Fuck.Copy !req
10. We gotta get going, so...Copy !req
11. By the way, she's, uh, she's a witch.Copy !req
12. I don't know if you believe in witches,Copy !req
13. but I think she's got a
cauldron and everything.Copy !req
14. Welcome, questioners, truth seekers,Copy !req
15. and good ol' fashioned angry Americans.Copy !req
16. Welcome to "The Rant"!Copy !req
17. I'm James Bunratty, and
this is "Bunratty's Rants".Copy !req
18. Now, I don't need to tell you folksCopy !req
19. what's wrong with the broken
scientific establishment.Copy !req
20. Of course, the people that bought it,Copy !req
21. I'm sure they think it's working great,Copy !req
22. but it is not for us.Copy !req
23. It is not for real Americans.Copy !req
24. That's why I think you're
gonna love today's guest.Copy !req
25. He is an alternative science guy.Copy !req
26. He knows how to think
outside the paradigm.Copy !req
27. He has witnessed the corruption firsthand,Copy !req
28. and I think that you are
going to be shocked today,Copy !req
29. truth seekers, that's right.Copy !req
30. Well, anyway, what I'm saying isCopy !req
31. what you're going to probably
say is pretty shockingCopy !req
32. to a lot of people that
don't listen to the show.Copy !req
33. And to those newbies, I just wanna say,Copy !req
34. welcome to "The Rant".Copy !req
35. Let's get right into it.Copy !req
36. Dr. Tim Travers, I am
fascinated by your work.Copy !req
37. Tell us exactly what the
Time Travelers Paradox is.Copy !req
38. Dr. Travers?Copy !req
39. - Oh, (clears throat) right.
- Welcome to the show.Copy !req
40. - A few corrections there.
Uh, one, I'm not a doctor.Copy !req
41. And two, while I'm not mainstream,Copy !req
42. I am definitely not an
"alternative" scientist.Copy !req
43. - The difference being?Copy !req
44. - One is for bored
housewives with crystalsCopy !req
45. and closet racists.Copy !req
46. - Oh, we got a show today!
Do we not, out there?Copy !req
47. That's right. Yeah, we
can have some fun here.Copy !req
48. That was a good one.Copy !req
49. But my audience knows
who the man of truth is.Copy !req
50. And who is that?Copy !req
51. - Bunratty, Bunratty!
(group cheering)Copy !req
52. - James Bunratty.Copy !req
53. Now, besides, fast talker,Copy !req
54. how would you know the difference?Copy !req
55. You just said yourself that
you weren't a real doctor.Copy !req
56. - I was kicked out of school
for behavioral reasons,Copy !req
57. but my grades were excellent.Copy !req
58. - Yeah. Establishment elites, am I right?Copy !req
59. I mean, who decided that they
were the purveyors of truth?Copy !req
60. - Education?Copy !req
61. Peer review? Uh...Copy !req
62. Hygiene?Copy !req
63. - Okay.Copy !req
64. You're arguing that
time travel is possible,Copy !req
65. which is, even for this
show, quite out there.Copy !req
66. So, why don't you just,
uh, hold your roll, pal?Copy !req
67. - Well, I am sitting in a
radio station in the year 2026,Copy !req
68. so I think that it might be possible.Copy !req
69. Is that, is that a reel-to-reel?Copy !req
70. - Yes!Copy !req
71. That's a reel-to-reel given to
me by Carl Sagan's assistant!Copy !req
72. I married her too, all right?Copy !req
73. Yeah, so I didn't invite you on this showCopy !req
74. to insult my audience, or me, or my team.Copy !req
75. - No, you invited me
because Mothman was busyCopy !req
76. and I was bored.Copy !req
77. - The Time Travelers Paradox.Copy !req
78. Tell us about it.Copy !req
79. - Hm.Copy !req
80. It's a thought experiment.Copy !req
81. How much do you need me to dumb this down?Copy !req
82. - Just a little bit.Copy !req
83. - Agree to disagree.Copy !req
84. First, a scientist makes a time machine.Copy !req
85. That loops back exactly
one minute into the past.Copy !req
86. - Oh, is that all?Copy !req
87. - Then the scientist
kills his younger self.Copy !req
88. - As he does.Copy !req
89. - Oh!Copy !req
90. Yeah!Copy !req
91. Now you have a man who
should not and cannot exist.Copy !req
92. Yet, somehow does.Copy !req
93. That is the paradox.Copy !req
94. Paradoxes are impossible.Copy !req
95. - Man, you are very smart,Copy !req
96. but I would hate to go to dinner with you.Copy !req
97. If you're just joining us, we
have not-doctor Tim Travers.Copy !req
98. And while you're at it,Copy !req
99. pick up some of Bunratty's Blast Vitamins.Copy !req
100. And while we're there, we
have our own version of HGH.Copy !req
101. It's not the dangerous kind
that Sylvester Stallone uses.Copy !req
102. No, it is Bunratty's HGA.Copy !req
103. That's right, HGA. We'll be right back.Copy !req
104. Great job, man.Copy !req
105. - Well, shit.Copy !req
106. Um...Copy !req
107. Observation one. Uh...Copy !req
108. Light, or at least the
perception of light,Copy !req
109. can only move one way through the machine.Copy !req
110. I can see into the past, but
can't see into the future.Copy !req
111. That makes sense, intuitively. Um...Copy !req
112. Observation two.Copy !req
113. The fuck!Copy !req
114. I have, um, murdered my younger self,Copy !req
115. and, and causality
appears to be unaffected,Copy !req
116. like, like completely
unaffected, which makes no sense.Copy !req
117. I refer you to my
aforementioned, "The fuck!"Copy !req
118. Theory one. Um...
(bell chimes)Copy !req
119. Time travel has, has
not taken place at all.Copy !req
120. Instead, I have beenCopy !req
121. transported to a identical universe.Copy !req
122. Problematic theory. Um... (chuckles)Copy !req
123. Since that the machine might
work as a fancy teleporter,Copy !req
124. sending me to a, by wild coincidence,Copy !req
125. place that just so happens
to be indistinguishableCopy !req
126. from my own past, seems unlikely.Copy !req
127. Hmm.Copy !req
128. Theory two.
(bell chimes)Copy !req
129. I have time traveled in
the conventional sense.Copy !req
130. Please excuse my abuse of
the word "conventional".Copy !req
131. Um... (sighs)Copy !req
132. Time is a dimension in its own right.Copy !req
133. Therefore, causality must be
limited by the speed of light,Copy !req
134. which prevents the paradox
from ever catching up.Copy !req
135. How the hell am I even
supposed to test that?Copy !req
136. Theory three. Um...
(bell chimes)Copy !req
137. Uh, my presence has spawned aCopy !req
138. new universe via myCopy !req
139. interaction with it.Copy !req
140. Now, that's...Copy !req
141. That's an interesting one.Copy !req
142. If my interaction is the seed,
then, then from my frame,Copy !req
143. no other traveler could
impact my timeline.Copy !req
144. But, but, but the
traveler could continuallyCopy !req
145. impact other timelines.Copy !req
146. Now, that, that's testable!Copy !req
147. I just, I just need to have a...Copy !req
148. I just, I just need to
repeat the experiment!Copy !req
149. - Now we're getting somewhere!Copy !req
150. As theorized, my own
timeline remains unaffected!Copy !req
151. Oh, crap. Forgot about that.Copy !req
152. Now there's a thought.
- Now we're getting somewhere!Copy !req
153. As theorized, my own
timeline remains unaffected!Copy !req
154. - Sorry.Copy !req
155. - What the hell, man?Copy !req
156. - It was an impulse.Copy !req
157. I was trying to catch myself by surprise.Copy !req
158. - That's moronic!Copy !req
159. - Don't be a dick.Copy !req
160. Right.
- Right.Copy !req
161. Twice!Copy !req
162. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!Copy !req
163. - Right. (groans)Copy !req
164. Eww.Copy !req
165. No, no. Date, date!Copy !req
166. - Hey! Excuse you, fucko!Copy !req
167. Yeah, 20 minutes late.Copy !req
168. Bet ya five bucks he doesn't even show up.Copy !req
169. Nah, ah, ah, ah.Copy !req
170. That's mine. That's yours.Copy !req
171. - Wow. Are you, uh...Copy !req
172. Are you like this all the time?Copy !req
173. - Yep.Copy !req
174. - Kinda like it. (chuckles)Copy !req
175. - That's real.
- Dr. Travers?Copy !req
176. - Still not a doctor.
- Yeah, whatever.Copy !req
177. Listen. You are belittling James a lot.Copy !req
178. He doesn't like it. Hell, he hates it.Copy !req
179. So, please, on behalf of
the entire production staff-Copy !req
180. - Well, he's been
dead for like 44 years.Copy !req
181. - Keep doing it.Copy !req
182. - You ever been in
a room with Paul McCartney?Copy !req
183. - It is delicious.Copy !req
184. - Exactly!
(Delilah giggles)Copy !req
185. "Defamation"? (sighs)
What about free speech?Copy !req
186. Well, of course I made it up!Copy !req
187. What does that have to do with anything?Copy !req
188. - You go, James! We believe in you.Copy !req
189. Hm. (chuckles) I eat this shit up.Copy !req
190. - So, you're not into the whole-Copy !req
191. - Mm, bored housewives with
crystals and closet racists?Copy !req
192. Nah, no.Copy !req
193. I thought this would be
a great post-college gigCopy !req
194. while I figured out what to
do with my life, but, um,Copy !req
195. that was 15 years ago,
because time is a cruel bitch.Copy !req
196. - Yeah, it's on the Moon!Copy !req
197. By the moon, I mean my ass.Copy !req
198. - I'm Delilah.Copy !req
199. I stopped talking.Copy !req
200. - What?
- Yeah, a while ago.Copy !req
201. I'm sorry, is...Copy !req
202. Is my life story boring to you,Copy !req
203. or are you just incredibly rude?Copy !req
204. - Not mutually exclusive.Copy !req
205. - Wow!Copy !req
206. - Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.Copy !req
207. I am distracted, but it's
not because you're boring.Copy !req
208. You're not, you're not boring.Copy !req
209. Um, today was just a weird day.Copy !req
210. - How weird was your day?Copy !req
211. - Uh, honest answer?Copy !req
212. - Yeah.Copy !req
213. - Well, today, I activated a time machineCopy !req
214. that is powered by nuclear materialsCopy !req
215. that were stolen from a
terrorist organization.Copy !req
216. And, uh...Copy !req
217. Then I went back in time
and killed my younger selfCopy !req
218. repeatedly, and I have no
idea how that's possible.Copy !req
219. - I'm sorry. I wasn't listening.Copy !req
220. - What? What?
- See?Copy !req
221. It's rude, and I was listening.Copy !req
222. Great bit. (chuckles)Copy !req
223. You're not doing a bit.Copy !req
224. Okay. All right.Copy !req
225. - Yeah, I've got eyes on him.Copy !req
226. Doesn't look like much.Copy !req
227. Just a waiting game now.Copy !req
228. Oh, yes. Hi.Copy !req
229. Uh, I'll have a Shirley
Temple, easy on the grenadine.Copy !req
230. - Sure.
- Thank you very much.Copy !req
231. - You know, um...Copy !req
232. Seeing you make James suffer was fun,Copy !req
233. but this whole mad scientist shtickCopy !req
234. it's like, it's like performance art.Copy !req
235. I'm just waiting for the
cameras to pop out. (chuckles)Copy !req
236. - I avoid cameras.Copy !req
237. - Are your friends in on this?Copy !req
238. - I don't have friends.Copy !req
239. - Oh, gross. Not even as a kid?Copy !req
240. - Timothy Oliphant Travers!Copy !req
241. Are those real?
- No, Mom!Copy !req
242. I'm just using the electric potato.Copy !req
243. - All right.Copy !req
244. I do not want a repeat of
the Guinea pig incident!Copy !req
245. Only shock the potato.Copy !req
246. - Yes, Mother.Copy !req
247. - Oh, I'm gonna have to dig another hole.Copy !req
248. - Went through a lot of
friends, but that's fine.Copy !req
249. Learning how to be by yourself
is a reward of its own.Copy !req
250. - You know, to a point, but,Copy !req
251. it's hard to take that armor off.Copy !req
252. - Some people don't have the choice, so...Copy !req
253. It's also fine, because I
don't need other people.Copy !req
254. - Hm!Copy !req
255. That's a thing that people say,Copy !req
256. when they think they're
better and smarter.Copy !req
257. - I didn't mean it like that,
but I am better and smarter.Copy !req
258. Look. I don't share other
people's values in the abstract.Copy !req
259. Take time travel.Copy !req
260. A paradox will literally break reality,Copy !req
261. and a reality broken can be rewritten.Copy !req
262. - Ominous, but yeah, I get it.Copy !req
263. You hate that people wanna
use it for time tourism.Copy !req
264. Oh, kinda like when a lady
discovers she has superpowers,Copy !req
265. and it's like, "Oh, no, but
what, what does this meanCopy !req
266. for my job and relationship?"Copy !req
267. And I'm like, "Bitch,
you've got superpowers!"Copy !req
268. Yeah! Like, laser your boss to death!Copy !req
269. Throw your loser boyfriend
into the sun and, and,Copy !req
270. and go conquer the world,
like a sane person.Copy !req
271. - Exactly. Thank you.
(Delilah chuckles)Copy !req
272. - Crush the peasants.Copy !req
273. - It's misplaced priorities.Copy !req
274. It's like, you know, working
on a, on a, on a work projectCopy !req
275. when someone is actively
trying to kill you.Copy !req
276. - Right, right, or going on a date,Copy !req
277. when you're about to conquer the world.Copy !req
278. - (chuckles) Right.
- What're you doing?Copy !req
279. But what?Copy !req
280. - You are absolutely right.Copy !req
281. - Did, did I say that? I,
I don't think I said that.Copy !req
282. I said something about crushing peasants,Copy !req
283. but that was more for me.Copy !req
284. - I need to get back to the lab.Copy !req
285. - What? Right, right now?Copy !req
286. - Yeah.Copy !req
287. - You may not know this,
but a woman drivingCopy !req
288. halfway across the city in
the middle of murdervilleCopy !req
289. is kind of a, it's kind
of a leap of faith.Copy !req
290. That's not lost on you?Copy !req
291. - It is not.
- So...Copy !req
292. You're, you're, you're
joking, right? (chuckles)Copy !req
293. You're trolling me for a goof,Copy !req
294. because you're an ass like that.Copy !req
295. - I am, but I am not.Copy !req
296. - Well, I don't have to be polite anymoreCopy !req
297. because you're the one
who's standing me up.Copy !req
298. So, figure out where you are
on the spectrum, dick weed,Copy !req
299. and then go fuck yourself!Copy !req
300. Fuck off.Copy !req
301. Bye!Copy !req
302. Fuck you, and fuck you, and fuck you!Copy !req
303. Fuck you guys, too!Copy !req
304. Hey, you, with the French braid! You suck!Copy !req
305. Fuck off!Copy !req
306. This fuckin' bar is shit!Copy !req
307. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!Copy !req
308. - Is she pointing to us?
- Fuck you!Copy !req
309. - Oh, my God.Copy !req
310. (metal clangs)
- Ow!Copy !req
311. - (chuckles) I'm not, um...Copy !req
312. I've been checked.Copy !req
313. Many times.Copy !req
314. Um...Copy !req
315. At worst, it's a, it's a
case of mild psychosis.Copy !req
316. Which is unrelated. So, you know what?Copy !req
317. I don't need the judgment right now.Copy !req
318. And also, honestly, it's
kinda fucked up that you wouldCopy !req
319. make fun of somebody for
being on the spectrum.Copy !req
320. Fuck! Just fuck off!Copy !req
321. - But I didn't say anything.Copy !req
322. - You also forgot to charge them.Copy !req
323. - Crap!Copy !req
324. - Had to know, you know?Copy !req
325. Maybe there was something there.Copy !req
326. Why am I telling you?Copy !req
327. You're just a localized
wormhole, not a person.Copy !req
328. I know, I know, I know.Copy !req
329. Back to work! (chuckles)Copy !req
330. Alone.Copy !req
331. Boys.Copy !req
332. First rule of science!Copy !req
333. Repeat the experiment.Copy !req
334. Verify results.Copy !req
335. This is gonna suck.Copy !req
336. - You did say this was gonna suck.Copy !req
337. - Motherfucker!Copy !req
338. Come on!
(guns firing)Copy !req
339. - Ow!Copy !req
340. Why did you...
(gun fires)Copy !req
341. - Come on, now!
(gun fires)Copy !req
342. Oh!Copy !req
343. - Okay, okay. Okay, okay, okay.Copy !req
344. Okay, all right.Copy !req
345. (sighs) How about this?Copy !req
346. Hypothetically, let's
say you make it work.Copy !req
347. You break the world, for no point,Copy !req
348. but to prove that you can do it.Copy !req
349. What then?Copy !req
350. Is a time machine that goes
back one minute useful?Copy !req
351. - That, that is a good question.Copy !req
352. - Yeah, well, this is all about questions.Copy !req
353. - Not good ones.Copy !req
354. Results prove...
(dark synth music)Copy !req
355. Consistent.Copy !req
356. 30-plus loops and still no
perceivable paradox, so...Copy !req
357. Fuck.Copy !req
358. Hold, hold on.Copy !req
359. Hold on.
- Results prove consistent.Copy !req
360. 30-plus loops and still no
perceivable paradox, so...Copy !req
361. (Gamma Tim gasps and yelps)
- Yes, hi.Copy !req
362. Um, here's where I'm at on this.Copy !req
363. We can safely conclude
the observer's frameCopy !req
364. cannot be impacted.Copy !req
365. - You're, you're impacting me right now.Copy !req
366. - Don't interrupt.Copy !req
367. What we're testing is theory two,Copy !req
368. in which case, you didn't exist
until about 10 seconds ago,Copy !req
369. but now that you do, however,Copy !req
370. your frame cannot be impacted again.Copy !req
371. - Right.Copy !req
372. - So, how do I test that?Copy !req
373. - Got it. You kill me.Copy !req
374. Um...Copy !req
375. - No, no, no, no! Not,
not this me. (chuckles)Copy !req
376. - You, however,
your frame cannot be impacted.Copy !req
377. - That me.Copy !req
378. - How do test that?
(gun cocks)Copy !req
379. - I got it. You kill me.Copy !req
380. Not, not this me.Copy !req
381. - Jesus!
(body thumps)Copy !req
382. - Okay, so that version of me died,Copy !req
383. but I didn't, so, that holds.Copy !req
384. - I'm sorry, what, what, what holds?Copy !req
385. - Oh, he affected my timeline,
and I wanted to proveCopy !req
386. that he couldn't do it a
second time, which of course-Copy !req
387. - Supports theory three. I get it.Copy !req
388. Don't spoon feed me.Copy !req
389. - Does everybody else want a drink?Copy !req
390. Cool, it's cool.Copy !req
391. - What the fuck?Copy !req
392. - Oh, my head.Copy !req
393. Oh!Copy !req
394. What's with the, the name tag?Copy !req
395. - Trust me, you're all gonna
be wanting these soon enough.Copy !req
396. All right?Copy !req
397. Anyway, we were arguing
the merits of theory three.Copy !req
398. - Ah, but what if it's theory two, hm?Copy !req
399. And it's just the one timeline,Copy !req
400. but it's limited by the speed of light.Copy !req
401. - Good question.Copy !req
402. - Uh...Copy !req
403. I mean, who cares, though? It's, it's...Copy !req
404. You can't control for
it, so it's pointless.Copy !req
405. - We, we can!Copy !req
406. We just have to go the other way through!Copy !req
407. - What?
- What?Copy !req
408. - What?Copy !req
409. - Just stick with me here. Um...Copy !req
410. It's been six hours since, since he-Copy !req
411. - Mm-mm, mm-mm.Copy !req
412. - You started the first loop, right?Copy !req
413. So, the paradox, if it's
moving at the speed of light,Copy !req
414. happened one minute in your past.Copy !req
415. (chuckles) If we go the
other way, we could see it!Copy !req
416. That's our control!Copy !req
417. - You get all that?
- Yeah pretty straightforward.Copy !req
418. - Mm.
- Mm-hm.Copy !req
419. - Well, doesn't matter,Copy !req
420. 'cause the machine doesn't work like that.Copy !req
421. - It can! It can!Copy !req
422. We just have to figure
out how to slow the...Copy !req
423. Slow the, the...Copy !req
424. Look, I need, I need, I need visual aids.Copy !req
425. So, let's just grab some
of these, and just do it,Copy !req
426. do it, ow, the other way, ow!Copy !req
427. - All right, the coast is
clear. Come on, pick those up.Copy !req
428. - Jesus.
- I need a drink!Copy !req
429. - Yeah, yep, yep.
- It's gonna be fine.Copy !req
430. - All right.Copy !req
431. - What?Copy !req
432. You!Copy !req
433. - Which me?Copy !req
434. Sorry. Hard to explain.Copy !req
435. How are you?Copy !req
436. What're you doing back here?Copy !req
437. - I forgot my scarf.Copy !req
438. What are you doing here?Copy !req
439. I thought you had to go back to the lab?Copy !req
440. - Wasn't that yesterday?Copy !req
441. - No! It was two hours ago.Copy !req
442. - Two hours?
- Yes!Copy !req
443. - Wow. I did way too many loops.Copy !req
444. - "Loops"? What is that,
some kind of drink?Copy !req
445. - Yes?Copy !req
446. - Really?Copy !req
447. Come buy me one.
- Oh, oh, oh, oh.Copy !req
448. - You owe me! Come on!Copy !req
449. - Hm? Hm?
(water splashing)Copy !req
450. - Oh, great! There goes
the only sober one.Copy !req
451. I'm just too, too, too
drunk to math right now.Copy !req
452. - I know some assholes
who aren't. (chuckles)Copy !req
453. - The machine only loops one minute back!Copy !req
454. Why did you think that 21
drunks would be an improvement?Copy !req
455. - I said I'm ordering coffee!Copy !req
456. 24-hour coffee delivery.Copy !req
457. - Yeah,
it's beautiful out here.Copy !req
458. - God bless capitalism.Copy !req
459. - Yeah, it took me about
20 minutes to get out here.Copy !req
460. - Bless it, I said!Copy !req
461. Look. (clears throat)Copy !req
462. I don't know who's following me,Copy !req
463. but you picked the wrong
guy to be doing this...Copy !req
464. - That was worth the wait.Copy !req
465. I never get to use the shotgun,
man. It's like too loud.Copy !req
466. But this place?Copy !req
467. You're so in the middle of
nowhere here, I... (chuckling)Copy !req
468. I couldn't resist.Copy !req
469. Oh, fuck. Shit.Copy !req
470. Hold up, hold up.Copy !req
471. Uh, supposed to read you something.Copy !req
472. Ah, here we go.Copy !req
473. "Mr. Travers, The Kingmaker is a teacher,Copy !req
474. and today he is teaching you..."Copy !req
475. You listening?Copy !req
476. Shit!Copy !req
477. "The Kingmaker is above such things.Copy !req
478. The Kingmaker is a teacher,
and today he is teachingCopy !req
479. the consequences of
stealing from better men.Copy !req
480. Then shoot him." Then...Copy !req
481. Then shoot him!Copy !req
482. Right!Copy !req
483. Crap.Copy !req
484. Oh, well.Copy !req
485. - No, no, stop it. No.Copy !req
486. But seriously, seriously.Copy !req
487. That did sound like a gunshot earlier.Copy !req
488. - No, no, no, no. It's just a, a firework.Copy !req
489. They're, uh...Copy !req
490. Kids, they get in here, and they,Copy !req
491. they set 'em off all the time.Copy !req
492. - Uh, you're cool with that?Copy !req
493. - Yeah! Yeah, I mean,
kids need to get hurt.Copy !req
494. Like, fewer fingers, stronger moral...Copy !req
495. Whatever.Copy !req
496. - Okay, you...Copy !req
497. You're actually fun. (chuckles)Copy !req
498. But only when you've been drinking.Copy !req
499. Announcement!Copy !req
500. The do-over date is officially a success!Copy !req
501. - (clears throat) So, so being
drunk is a, a plus to you?Copy !req
502. - Oh, yeah, yeah.Copy !req
503. It makes it easier to get
what I want, like answers.Copy !req
504. Like, why, Mr. Mad Scientist Man? Why?Copy !req
505. - Isn't curiosity enough?Copy !req
506. - No.Copy !req
507. I am curious about crypto,Copy !req
508. but I'm curious, because the more I know,Copy !req
509. the easier it is to game the suckers.Copy !req
510. I am curious about conspiraciesCopy !req
511. because someone will
always pay to believe it.Copy !req
512. I'm curious about sensitivityCopy !req
513. because humans love to control othersCopy !req
514. while telling themselves
they're the good guys.Copy !req
515. Curiosity always has an
agenda, for people like me.Copy !req
516. Me and you.Copy !req
517. So, really.Copy !req
518. What is it that you want?Copy !req
519. - I want what everyone wants.Copy !req
520. To stand alone with God at the end of timeCopy !req
521. and tell the bastard off.Copy !req
522. - Humble.Copy !req
523. And I bet ya five bucks God's a she.Copy !req
524. - Our world is shit. It's definitely a he.Copy !req
525. - Mm.
- Okay!Copy !req
526. Let's go over this one more time.Copy !req
527. - Why?Copy !req
528. - Volume!Copy !req
529. I thought Eta was bringing coffee.Copy !req
530. - The machine works by
using entangled particles.Copy !req
531. Now, one particle is tied
to the entrance door.Copy !req
532. That's the door moving
forward through time.Copy !req
533. The other particle is run
through the accelerator,Copy !req
534. slowing its frame down to
a near standstill in time.Copy !req
535. - Who are you explaining this for?Copy !req
536. - That particle is tied to the exit-Copy !req
537. - We all know this!Copy !req
538. - I'm not ashamed to admit
this is actually helping.Copy !req
539. - But Alpha.Copy !req
540. - Mm-mm.Copy !req
541. - Alpha?Copy !req
542. Alpha, Alpha, Alpha has been
on this side of the door,Copy !req
543. for longer than one minute.Copy !req
544. So, that means that the paradoxCopy !req
545. has overtaken the time difference!Copy !req
546. - We know!Copy !req
547. (football thuds)
- Ow!Copy !req
548. The fuck!Copy !req
549. Fuckin' asshole. (grunts)Copy !req
550. - Perfect timing.Copy !req
551. The problem is that the door
only opens backwards in time.Copy !req
552. Send something through the exit door,Copy !req
553. and it's just a normal door.Copy !req
554. But use the entrance door, and...Copy !req
555. - Ow! What the fuck?Copy !req
556. - See? I just threw that back in time.Copy !req
557. Hit Epsilon on the head and
started that particular loop.Copy !req
558. - Sorry, but where did
the football come from?Copy !req
559. - So, we just need to bring both doorsCopy !req
560. into the same time frame,Copy !req
561. allowing us to travel
the other way through,Copy !req
562. which, in theory, would let
us catch up to the paradox!Copy !req
563. - Uh...Copy !req
564. Uh, seriously. Where did
the, uh, football come from?Copy !req
565. - What about the multiverse?Copy !req
566. - Which franchise? (chuckles)Copy !req
567. - God's.Copy !req
568. - A multiverse
is, is too convenient, right?Copy !req
569. It's not different versions
of our lives. It's really-Copy !req
570. - I love the multiverse.Copy !req
571. I love all the different versions of me.Copy !req
572. - Oh.Copy !req
573. Okay.Copy !req
574. - It doesn't matter if I fuck
up, because they made it.Copy !req
575. I like knowing that.Copy !req
576. There are some days I...Copy !req
577. I need that.Copy !req
578. - But if they succeeded,
does that make them you?Copy !req
579. I mean, maybe...Copy !req
580. Maybe failing is what makes you you.Copy !req
581. Maybe, maybe failure
is your defining trait.Copy !req
582. By which, I mean, um...Copy !req
583. - Recover.Copy !req
584. Recover fast.Copy !req
585. - Would you like to see my lab?Copy !req
586. - Okay.Copy !req
587. But seriously, fuck you.Copy !req
588. - So, this is the, uh...Copy !req
589. The lab! Um...Copy !req
590. Which we have all to ourselves.Copy !req
591. Apparently.Copy !req
592. - Why wouldn't we?Copy !req
593. Oh, right! Your time-looped
friends. (chuckles)Copy !req
594. - (clears throat) Okay, okay.Copy !req
595. Uh, uh, uh, that's the wall.Copy !req
596. That's the, uh, the closet over there.Copy !req
597. That's a human hamster wheel.Copy !req
598. That's the time machine.
Coffeemaker's broken.Copy !req
599. And that's basically it,
so we should probably,Copy !req
600. probably go, right?Copy !req
601. - I'm sorry. "Human hamster wheel"?Copy !req
602. - That's, that's the piece
you were impressed by?Copy !req
603. Oh, okay. Um, yeah, I mean, uh...Copy !req
604. I was trying a thing, but
it didn't really work.Copy !req
605. Just too many feces.Copy !req
606. - Wow. Wow. (chuckles)Copy !req
607. I never thought I would
be into a, um, LARPer.Copy !req
608. But (chuckles) your commitment is like...Copy !req
609. - Uh, sorry. What?Copy !req
610. - This! The, the toy guns, that prop!Copy !req
611. - My time machine is not a prop.Copy !req
612. - That. That right there.Copy !req
613. The commitment to the fantasy, I am...Copy !req
614. Ooh, I am into it.Copy !req
615. If I could afford to
support a LARP like this,Copy !req
616. I don't even know what I would do with it.Copy !req
617. I, uh...Copy !req
618. (gasps) Ah.Copy !req
619. Paid LARP vacations.Copy !req
620. No, somebody must be doing that.Copy !req
621. If you could classify it as porn,Copy !req
622. you could have the staff
screw the customers.Copy !req
623. - Eww!
- Oh, don't be a prude.Copy !req
624. - No, no, no, no, no,
no. Eww to, to LARPing!Copy !req
625. I mean, this? This is real!Copy !req
626. This is my, my life's work!Copy !req
627. - Okay, drop it already!Copy !req
628. Talk like a normal person,Copy !req
629. and not someone trying to sound smart!Copy !req
630. It's just not healthy!Copy !req
631. I bet ya five bucks you just spendCopy !req
632. too much time talking to yourself.Copy !req
633. Oh, my God.Copy !req
634. - Uh, Delilah, this-Copy !req
635. - Okay!Copy !req
636. Get away from me!Copy !req
637. - No, not that way!Copy !req
638. Probably fine, right?Copy !req
639. - If I could afford to
support a LARP like this,Copy !req
640. I don't even know what I would do with it.Copy !req
641. I, uh...Copy !req
642. (gasps) Ah.Copy !req
643. Paid LARP vacations.Copy !req
644. No, somebody must be doing that.Copy !req
645. If you could classify it as porn, you...Copy !req
646. (gun fires)
- No! Oh!Copy !req
647. - Oh, my god.Copy !req
648. - Oh, my god!Copy !req
649. - What the hell was that?Copy !req
650. Damn it, did you drop something again?Copy !req
651. - Whoa, whoa, whoa!Copy !req
652. - Why would you do that?
(Delilah screaming)Copy !req
653. - Holy shit!Copy !req
654. - Just, just, just give me the gun.Copy !req
655. - Give him the gun!Copy !req
656. - Stay back! All of you, stay back!Copy !req
657. - Just calm down.
- Be cool, man!Copy !req
658. - Shut up, you freak!Copy !req
659. - Let's not be hypocritical here.Copy !req
660. - So?Copy !req
661. How did the date go?Copy !req
662. What?Copy !req
663. - Delilah? Delilah, look-
- Don't you dare follow me!Copy !req
664. - Don't, don't worry, we
won't. (chuckles) Come on.Copy !req
665. Like, a bunch of guys chasing a lone womanCopy !req
666. around their private compound at night?Copy !req
667. It's not exactly a great,
a great look. Um...Copy !req
668. probably shouldn't have said that.Copy !req
669. - No shit!Copy !req
670. Listen, I don't have a box to put this inCopy !req
671. that will fit in my brain without,Copy !req
672. bet ya five bucks, exploding my head.Copy !req
673. So, let's just forget this
ever happened. (chuckles)Copy !req
674. - Trust me, it, it happened.Copy !req
675. - But reality is subjective, so no.Copy !req
676. - Subjective? Tell her that!Copy !req
677. - Nope!Copy !req
678. Oh, fuck!Copy !req
679. Motherfuckin' shit dick slug nug!Copy !req
680. (fire roars)
- Whoa!Copy !req
681. - Thanks for the jugs!Copy !req
682. Evening.Copy !req
683. - Travers?Copy !req
684. - (grunts) All right.
(car door slams)Copy !req
685. Let's get going.
(knocks on car window)Copy !req
686. Oh, Jesus Christ.Copy !req
687. Yes.Copy !req
688. - You're Tim Travers.Copy !req
689. - We've established that.Copy !req
690. - You're not gonna believe
this, but earlier tonight,Copy !req
691. I met a guy who looked exactly...Copy !req
692. I mean, exactly like you. (chuckles)Copy !req
693. - Just have one of those faces, I guess.Copy !req
694. - You do! (chuckles)
- Yeah.Copy !req
695. Okay, I'm gonna get going, so, uh,Copy !req
696. you have a lovely little
evening or whatever.Copy !req
697. Jesus Christ!
(gun fires)Copy !req
698. - Ah, shit!Copy !req
699. Uh, "The Kingmaker is a teacher."Copy !req
700. Fuck, I did it again.Copy !req
701. Stupid fuckin' note.Copy !req
702. - I mean, I didn't even
know that the gun was loaded.Copy !req
703. - So, does anyone else
think it's a little weirdCopy !req
704. that she shot her other self?Copy !req
705. I mean, I get that we did that
as part of the experiment.Copy !req
706. She didn't know that.Copy !req
707. I mean, maybe that was
just some other womanCopy !req
708. that looked a lot like her.Copy !req
709. Just a little weird that, uh,
murder was her go-to response.Copy !req
710. - (sighs) I liked her.Copy !req
711. - You saw no red flags there?Copy !req
712. - She did mention something
about "crushing peasants"?Copy !req
713. - Oh!Copy !req
714. I see what's going on here.Copy !req
715. You thought that she would fix you!Copy !req
716. - Fuck you!
- Oh, fuck you.Copy !req
717. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.Copy !req
718. Guys, just, let's just chill, okay?Copy !req
719. - Fuck you, too.
- Fuck off!Copy !req
720. - Fuck you!
- Fuck both of you.Copy !req
721. - Fuck all of you!Copy !req
722. - Fuck that, too!
- All right.Copy !req
723. I'm just gonna gonna say it.
- Fuck you, motherfucker!Copy !req
724. - You all thinking what I'm thinking?Copy !req
725. - That's exactly what I'm thinking.Copy !req
726. - Tim Travers?Copy !req
727. Go fuck yourself.Copy !req
728. - Fuck yeah.Copy !req
729. - Oh, yeah!Copy !req
730. - What's that for?
- Mood music.Copy !req
731. - Okay.Copy !req
732. Okay, uh...Copy !req
733. Hold on. You know what?Copy !req
734. Let's turn it up.Copy !req
735. - Yeah, it's
pick-up from here on, buddy.Copy !req
736. - Hey. Hey, how are you?Copy !req
737. Um, the uh, orgy's happening.Copy !req
738. - Oh, ho, ho, ho! Well, it's about time!Copy !req
739. (giggles) Woo!Copy !req
740. - Yes.Copy !req
741. That'll work.Copy !req
742. I...Copy !req
743. I figured it out.Copy !req
744. (chuckles) I did it!Copy !req
745. You guys, we...Copy !req
746. Where is everybody?Copy !req
747. - Hold that other leg. (moans)
- Oh, yeah!Copy !req
748. Stop licking me.
(Tims grunting)Copy !req
749. - Who are you?Copy !req
750. - They asked me to hold the coffee.Copy !req
751. - Say my name. Say my name, Tim!Copy !req
752. Say my name, Tim!
(flesh slapping)Copy !req
753. - Tim, Tim, Tim.Copy !req
754. Say my name.Copy !req
755. Say my name, Tim!
(flesh slapping)Copy !req
756. Tim!Copy !req
757. - Delta, no names.Copy !req
758. - Oh, God. I feel
so close to you right now.Copy !req
759. - No, lick there, lick there.Copy !req
760. - Okay, but what about the soul?Copy !req
761. How does time travel accountCopy !req
762. for two spirits occupying the same space?Copy !req
763. - The same way that it accounts
for unicorns and dragonsCopy !req
764. or other shit that isn't real!Copy !req
765. We are just meat!Copy !req
766. The meaning of life is to eat, shit,Copy !req
767. fuck to create more meat, and
repeat, until we die, alone!Copy !req
768. In the end...
(somber music)Copy !req
769. All of us are alone.Copy !req
770. - We'll be right back
with more Tim TraversCopy !req
771. and his super happy outlook on life.Copy !req
772. - I'm so confused.Copy !req
773. How does someone affiliate
the time dilationCopy !req
774. of an accelerated
particle to a door frame?Copy !req
775. - Okay, you're not listening.
I need you to hear me, okay?Copy !req
776. This guy is crazy. I think, I
think he might be a terrorist.Copy !req
777. - Oh, honey.Copy !req
778. Weirdo or no, labeling
somebody with that term?Copy !req
779. - He's white.Copy !req
780. - Uh, oh, shit. Yeah,
definitely a terrorist then.Copy !req
781. What is this guy's name?Copy !req
782. - Tim. Tim Travers.Copy !req
783. - Who?Copy !req
784. Who?Copy !req
785. - Tim Travers!Copy !req
786. - Who in the fuck...
(gun clicks)Copy !req
787. - Oh, my!Copy !req
788. - Whoa.
- I hate this town.Copy !req
789. I hate everyone in it, so, so much!Copy !req
790. Bet ya five bucks I've had
a weirder day than you.Copy !req
791. - You're on.Copy !req
792. - You guys have no idea.Copy !req
793. - It's gonna hold.
- It's too much power.Copy !req
794. It's classic Tim.Copy !req
795. - You sluts!Copy !req
796. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
We do not need the judgment.Copy !req
797. Where, where'd you get the coffee?Copy !req
798. - Sorry.Copy !req
799. Last cup.Copy !req
800. Delivery guy must've stolen the rest.Copy !req
801. I bet you forgot to tip.Copy !req
802. - Fuck you, motherfucker!Copy !req
803. - Damn.Copy !req
804. - So? (clears throat)Copy !req
805. How was, uh...Copy !req
806. It?Copy !req
807. - Amazing.
- Incredible.Copy !req
808. - Best sex ever.
- Obviously great!Copy !req
809. Uh... (laughs)Copy !req
810. - Pretty bland, honestly.Copy !req
811. Oh. Oh, I'm sorry.Copy !req
812. I thought we were done
jerking each other off.Copy !req
813. It was great!Copy !req
814. - In all fairness, a
great bonding experience.Copy !req
815. And, uh, I learned some
things about myself, and...Copy !req
816. - Tau!Copy !req
817. How about you go get us some more coffee?Copy !req
818. Go.Copy !req
819. Go now.Copy !req
820. Now!Copy !req
821. - You're just jealous that no
one invited you to the orgy.Copy !req
822. - Ooh!Copy !req
823. - Get.Copy !req
824. Out.Copy !req
825. - "Go get the coffee,
Tau. Hold my wrench, Tau.Copy !req
826. Lube is for sissies, Tau."Copy !req
827. Well, that's why no one invited
you to the orgy, asshole!Copy !req
828. And you are?Copy !req
829. Whoa, whoa, whoa, man.Copy !req
830. - I don't know how you're
doing this, but it won't work.Copy !req
831. Decoys? Body doubles?Copy !req
832. Magic tricks? I don't fuckin' care.Copy !req
833. I will do this all goddamn
night, if I have to,Copy !req
834. because I am a professional!Copy !req
835. - Okay, I think there has
been a big misunderstanding!Copy !req
836. - Shut up!Copy !req
837. I have a message for
you from The Kingmaker.Copy !req
838. - Oh, shit. That guy, um-Copy !req
839. - "Mr. Travers.Copy !req
840. Do not think of this as
punishment or revenge.Copy !req
841. The Kingmaker is above such things.Copy !req
842. The Kingmaker is a teacher,Copy !req
843. and today, he is teaching
you the consequencesCopy !req
844. of stealing from better men."Copy !req
845. There.Copy !req
846. I said it.Copy !req
847. I read the whole damn message.Copy !req
848. And now, I just wanna be absolutely sureCopy !req
849. that I'm killing the right guy this time.Copy !req
850. So, are you Tim Travers?Copy !req
851. - No?Copy !req
852. - Liar!
(gun fires)Copy !req
853. - (clears throat) Oh.Copy !req
854. You're the, uh, the TimCopy !req
855. that wasn't taking anyone's
crap earlier, right?Copy !req
856. - (chuckles) Yeah.Copy !req
857. I mean, come off it, right?Copy !req
858. Yeah, it's like we're all
putting on this performance,Copy !req
859. and for who?Copy !req
860. - Our egos. (laughs)Copy !req
861. Anyway, it was, good on you.Copy !req
862. - No, you'd have done
the same. (clears throat)Copy !req
863. - I didn't, though. Which is weird, right?Copy !req
864. I mean, maybe the, uh, experience driftCopy !req
865. between individual Tims is, is growing.Copy !req
866. - Well, a few hours can change a person.Copy !req
867. - Yeah, that's what my doctor...Copy !req
868. (wrench clangs)
Oh.Copy !req
869. - I'll get that.Copy !req
870. Here.
- Oh, thanks.Copy !req
871. I'm just...
(electricity crackling)Copy !req
872. - Oh, fuck! That's hot.Copy !req
873. Which is why it will
double the energy output,Copy !req
874. and also the radiation.Copy !req
875. - Well, what about matter?Copy !req
876. - Yeah, I think that matters!
- No, no. What about matter?Copy !req
877. Every time we create a new Tim,Copy !req
878. where is the matter coming from, you know?Copy !req
879. - Huh.Copy !req
880. We must be pulling it from
somewhere else in the Universe.Copy !req
881. The equivalent to 20...Copy !req
882. No, no, 30-
- 30?Copy !req
883. - Tims.Copy !req
884. - Ah, fuck.
That's too many Tims.Copy !req
885. - Yeah, I'd say.Copy !req
886. - Thank you, Jason McKee,Copy !req
887. for that insightful report on
postpartum depression for men.Copy !req
888. On to national news tonight,
at a Mississippi church,Copy !req
889. 30 parishioners appear
to have been raptured.Copy !req
890. Details are vague, but experts
are dismissing this theory,Copy !req
891. instead arguing for wormhole
displacement theory.Copy !req
892. In spite of the evidence...Copy !req
893. - Shut up.Copy !req
894. All right, everybody! (claps hands)Copy !req
895. Gather round! Gather round!Copy !req
896. All right, make a little
semicircle for me.Copy !req
897. Close enough. I have some sad news.Copy !req
898. Tau Tim has been murdered.Copy !req
899. - Oh, no, not Tau.
- Who?Copy !req
900. - Yeah, very sad.Copy !req
901. Anyway, somebody's been
picking off the TimsCopy !req
902. on the coffee runs, so from here on out,Copy !req
903. I am imposing the buddy system.Copy !req
904. - Boo!Copy !req
905. - Also, this does mean there is no coffee.Copy !req
906. - Oh, come on!Copy !req
907. - You've gotta be fucking kidding me!Copy !req
908. - I fucking hate this place!Copy !req
909. - (chuckles)
She was into a multiverses?Copy !req
910. - Exactly.Copy !req
911. And I have this whole
theory about why multiversesCopy !req
912. are stupid and people like them anyway.Copy !req
913. I tried not to say anything,
ended up being a dick anyway.Copy !req
914. - Well...Copy !req
915. What's your theory?Copy !req
916. - I mean, obviously you know it already.Copy !req
917. - Yeah, but... (sighs)Copy !req
918. It'd be nice to hear somebody else say it.Copy !req
919. I'm just so tired of hearing
my own voice, you know?Copy !req
920. - That resonates. (sighs)Copy !req
921. The multiverse isn't different
versions of our lives.Copy !req
922. It's actually different sets of laws.Copy !req
923. I mean, why should one
plus one equal two, right?Copy !req
924. I mean, why was there slightly
more matter than anti-matter?Copy !req
925. It's the same as the entirety
of history. It's just the-Copy !req
926. - The newest way to put
ourselves at the center.Copy !req
927. To convince ourselves that we matter.Copy !req
928. - Why is not mattering so bad?Copy !req
929. I mean, why is it so
terrifying to... (sighs)Copy !req
930. Not be the most important person?Copy !req
931. - It's freeing.Copy !req
932. My mistakes are mine and mine alone.Copy !req
933. - As are my victories.Copy !req
934. - In life.Copy !req
935. - In science.Copy !req
936. - In love?Copy !req
937. I got it. (chuckles)Copy !req
938. - What is it?Copy !req
939. - Something about missing coffee.Copy !req
940. I'm honestly still trying
to figure out why our phonesCopy !req
941. are working like this.Copy !req
942. - Someone at Verizon is
having a meltdown right now.Copy !req
943. - Oh, shit!
(phone rings)Copy !req
944. Yeah, Boss?Copy !req
945. - You know I do
not like to be kept waiting.Copy !req
946. - Yeah, I know,
I know, but it's fine.Copy !req
947. - Helter?Copy !req
948. Helter!
(phone chimes)Copy !req
949. Is the bastard dead already?Copy !req
950. This guy goes off-grid for a year,Copy !req
951. and then the idiot shows up on a podcast.Copy !req
952. - I swear, I, I...Copy !req
953. I don't understand.Copy !req
954. - Do I need to bring in Royce?Copy !req
955. - Royce?Copy !req
956. - Royce.Copy !req
957. - Royce is here?Copy !req
958. - Near enough.Copy !req
959. So, do your job, and if I don't
hear from you in one hour,Copy !req
960. I am bringing in Royce.Copy !req
961. - Fuck! Fuckin' cunt fuck!
(horn honks)Copy !req
962. (horn honks)
Fucking brother!Copy !req
963. Fuck!Copy !req
964. - I'd like to point out to the audience,Copy !req
965. this is the first pause Tim has taken.Copy !req
966. Why are you even here?Copy !req
967. I mean, you don't respect any of us.Copy !req
968. You've just been ranting at my audienceCopy !req
969. and me for two hours, torturing us.Copy !req
970. Did I do something to you?Copy !req
971. Did I beat you up on a
playground somewhere when I was-Copy !req
972. - No, no, nothing like that.Copy !req
973. You just dumbed down the
human race a little bit.Copy !req
974. - Why is it so important for youCopy !req
975. to be smarter than a guy
you don't even respect?Copy !req
976. I mean, who are you
trying to impress here?Copy !req
977. What is the point of all this?Copy !req
978. - Well, isn't it obvious? (chuckles)Copy !req
979. If something should go wrong
when I turn on the machine,Copy !req
980. a record would be a
pretty good thing to have.Copy !req
981. You were the only one
who took the interview.Copy !req
982. - With full love and respect,Copy !req
983. I hope you die a very painful death.Copy !req
984. - Aww.
(dark music)Copy !req
985. - No, no. I still have mine.Copy !req
986. - I heard this-
- Somebody probably-Copy !req
987. - No, no. I told you!Copy !req
988. - Hey!Copy !req
989. Uh, I think that things
might be about to get weird,Copy !req
990. or weird, weirder.Copy !req
991. (Omicron Tim laughs)
Um...Copy !req
992. I don't know, I thought
maybe it'd be a good ideaCopy !req
993. to have a way to, you
know, recognize each other.Copy !req
994. - Why would we need a way
to, uh, recognize each other?Copy !req
995. - Um...Copy !req
996. Well, because I, uh, uh...Copy !req
997. - (chuckles) It's cool,
it's cool, it's cool.Copy !req
998. (clears throat) That's, uh...Copy !req
999. I care about, I care,
I care about that, too.Copy !req
1000. - I...Copy !req
1001. It's the, uh, only sticker I could find.Copy !req
1002. - I love it.Copy !req
1003. - Blah. (chuckles)Copy !req
1004. - Breathe, baby.Copy !req
1005. We're almost home.Copy !req
1006. Power core stable?Copy !req
1007. If not, we're gonna die!Copy !req
1008. Good enough.Copy !req
1009. - Is the second particle moving?Copy !req
1010. - Yeah, yeah. Full speed in a few seconds.Copy !req
1011. - Hey, hey, do
you smell something burning?Copy !req
1012. Eh, it's probably my imagination.Copy !req
1013. - Iota, I've got this. You go
see the paradox. (chuckles)Copy !req
1014. - (chuckles) I owe you one.Copy !req
1015. (gun thuds)
- Jesus fucking Christ!Copy !req
1016. What the hell?Copy !req
1017. Okay. Let's be cool, man.Copy !req
1018. Whoa, whoa, whoa, please.
- You said that already!Copy !req
1019. - When?
- When I killed you!Copy !req
1020. Motherfucker.Copy !req
1021. And then I killed you at the coffee stand.Copy !req
1022. And then I was in the
restaurant with that lady-Copy !req
1023. - Fucking Delilah.
- And I killed you again.Copy !req
1024. - Oh, so, so you're the guy?Copy !req
1025. - I'm the guy.Copy !req
1026. And you...Copy !req
1027. What are you?Copy !req
1028. Are youCopy !req
1029. a god?Copy !req
1030. - Well, metaphorically, everyone's a God,Copy !req
1031. from their own perspective, so-Copy !req
1032. - Literally! Are you a god?Copy !req
1033. - No, no! No, not a god.Copy !req
1034. Not a god. Not yet!Copy !req
1035. - Behind that door lies our future!Copy !req
1036. - Or present, technically.Copy !req
1037. - What? Whatever!Copy !req
1038. The paradox is within our
ability to understand.Copy !req
1039. To control.Copy !req
1040. Now, at long last-Copy !req
1041. - Oh, my God! get on with it already!Copy !req
1042. - I was, you dingus!
(metal clanging)Copy !req
1043. Now, at long last...Copy !req
1044. Let's go unmake history.Copy !req
1045. - Oh, shit.Copy !req
1046. - Oh, shit!Copy !req
1047. - Fuck, fuck!Copy !req
1048. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!Copy !req
1049. - Oh, shit! It's gonna go insane!Copy !req
1050. - Oh, my...Copy !req
1051. - Oh, wow!Copy !req
1052. - Don't worry! I'll help you!Copy !req
1053. (Helter grunts)
- Come on!Copy !req
1054. - Wait! Wait, wait, wait, wait!Copy !req
1055. - I'm still on fire! (screams)Copy !req
1056. Put me out, put me out,
put me out! (screams)Copy !req
1057. - I, I, uh...Copy !req
1058. Help?Copy !req
1059. That didCopy !req
1060. not goCopy !req
1061. great.Copy !req
1062. - Just take it, take it easy, okay?Copy !req
1063. That's, um...Copy !req
1064. That's gonna be bitch a
to patch up. (chuckles)Copy !req
1065. But you're gonna be all right.
You're gonna be all right.Copy !req
1066. I just need...Copy !req
1067. We just need to think.Copy !req
1068. I just, I just need to think. Um...Copy !req
1069. I, I, I don't, I don't know...Copy !req
1070. I'm sorry.Copy !req
1071. - It's okay.Copy !req
1072. It's okay.Copy !req
1073. Just hang out with me for a minute.Copy !req
1074. Please.Copy !req
1075. - Okay. (sniffles)Copy !req
1076. Okay.Copy !req
1077. Just one minute. That's all you get.Copy !req
1078. - I wish there was a multiverse.Copy !req
1079. So that I could be the,Copy !req
1080. the version of me that
was brave enough to,Copy !req
1081. to tell you that...Copy !req
1082. - (screaming)
I'm still on fire!Copy !req
1083. Thank you. (sighs)
- You're welcome.Copy !req
1084. - Helter?
- King!Copy !req
1085. He made a sky beam.Copy !req
1086. A Marvel fucking sky beam!Copy !req
1087. Send in Royce!Copy !req
1088. - He's already
on his way. (chuckles)Copy !req
1089. - (sighs)
Power's down. Reactor's down.Copy !req
1090. Four Tims are dead. The
accelerator's still working.Copy !req
1091. But, uh, Iota is still missing.Copy !req
1092. It's a three-ring shit-show.Copy !req
1093. Fuck me.Copy !req
1094. - Um...Copy !req
1095. Why can we still see through it?Copy !req
1096. - 'Cause in the future,
we get it working againCopy !req
1097. and send the energy backwards,
just like the matter.Copy !req
1098. This has only been a minor setback.Copy !req
1099. - Enough!
- Huh?Copy !req
1100. - What?Copy !req
1101. - I said, enough!Copy !req
1102. I am done. I am, I am out!Copy !req
1103. Everything has gotten too,
too confusing and too,Copy !req
1104. too painful, too...Copy !req
1105. Too sad.Copy !req
1106. That's it.Copy !req
1107. I'm, I'm, I'm out.Copy !req
1108. - You can't leave. You are Tim Travers!Copy !req
1109. - Well, at least I'm not you!Copy !req
1110. - We are all you!Copy !req
1111. Separated by a few hours.Copy !req
1112. - Sometimes, a few hours
can change a person.Copy !req
1113. - Delta!Copy !req
1114. Got your coffee, Delta.Copy !req
1115. Keep up with the good work, bud.Copy !req
1116. And it's the left clamp.Copy !req
1117. May I have the wrench
from you? The wrench.Copy !req
1118. The wrench!
- Ow!Copy !req
1119. - And up!
- Woo!Copy !req
1120. - I'm where you said to meet.Copy !req
1121. He's supposed to be the
frickin' expert, man!Copy !req
1122. Whoa!Copy !req
1123. - Kingmaker?Copy !req
1124. Yo, King!Copy !req
1125. Yeah, yeah. I know, I know. (chuckles)Copy !req
1126. Disrespectful, incompetent.Copy !req
1127. Yada, yada, yada, I know.Copy !req
1128. - He's talking about Travers, right?Copy !req
1129. - Hey, it's no problem.Copy !req
1130. Yeah, I tell you what I'm gonna do.Copy !req
1131. I'm gonna cut his dick
off, and feed it to him.Copy !req
1132. I'll send you pics when I'm
done, all right? (chuckles)Copy !req
1133. - There's more than one of
him, or he might be immortal.Copy !req
1134. He might be a god, man!
- Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.Copy !req
1135. Hey, hey.Copy !req
1136. Relax.Copy !req
1137. A few kills under your belt,Copy !req
1138. and you think it's
gonna be smooth sailin'.Copy !req
1139. Then...Copy !req
1140. The guilt sets in.Copy !req
1141. Can't shoot guilt!Copy !req
1142. So, you start seein'
things that aren't there.Copy !req
1143. Burnout is real.Copy !req
1144. Right, fellas?Copy !req
1145. - I swear to you, I am not crazy.Copy !req
1146. - Don't worry about it,
okay? We believe you.Copy !req
1147. In fact, you know what I'll let you do?Copy !req
1148. I'll even let you watch.
Would you like that?Copy !req
1149. - I would like that very
much, please. Thank you.Copy !req
1150. - Let's try this again.Copy !req
1151. - Very impressive!Copy !req
1152. - Need more power!Copy !req
1153. Ready transition to the grid!Copy !req
1154. - Oh, fuck you, man!Copy !req
1155. - Faster!Copy !req
1156. - (sighs) Idiots.Copy !req
1157. - For the last time, Carol.
I'm not going to harm myself!Copy !req
1158. It was a different Delilah!Copy !req
1159. (sighs) Who I killed.Copy !req
1160. Fuck Tim Travers.Copy !req
1161. No, I don't mean sexually!Copy !req
1162. - As I said.Copy !req
1163. Behind that door lies our future!Copy !req
1164. It's like Mom always used to say.Copy !req
1165. "You're not a great person, Tim.Copy !req
1166. Hell, you're not even a very good person.Copy !req
1167. But what you are is a great scientist!"Copy !req
1168. No matter how strange or bizarre,Copy !req
1169. we, we follow the evidence.Copy !req
1170. Mortal laws no longer apply
to us, and in a few seconds,Copy !req
1171. even the laws of nature
won't apply anymore!Copy !req
1172. And I know that you know I know thatCopy !req
1173. because you know I know that you know!Copy !req
1174. Come along.Copy !req
1175. Let's go unmake history.Copy !req
1176. Holy shit! Oh, oh!Copy !req
1177. Fuck!Copy !req
1178. No, hey!Copy !req
1179. Holy fuck. We blew up the universe.Copy !req
1180. - We can't have destroyed it!
- Then where is it?Copy !req
1181. - Gone!
- That is impossible.Copy !req
1182. - Help me!Copy !req
1183. - What the fuck about this
day has led you to believeCopy !req
1184. that anything could be impossible?Copy !req
1185. - If the universe were gone,Copy !req
1186. then its laws should be gone, too.Copy !req
1187. - Why are you talking
about this right now?Copy !req
1188. - Gravity is still in play.Copy !req
1189. Where is that coming from,
if there's no more universe?Copy !req
1190. - Hey, he's right!Copy !req
1191. - What ar you? Okay, he's right!Copy !req
1192. Pull me up! What the fuck?Copy !req
1193. - Who cares where it's coming
from if there's no more Earth?Copy !req
1194. - I do!Copy !req
1195. (foot stomps)
- You bastard!Copy !req
1196. - You just killed Zeta Tim.Copy !req
1197. - Well, yeah, but I mean, he
was creeping everybody out.Copy !req
1198. Right?Copy !req
1199. - Bad, bad. Bad, bad,
bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad.Copy !req
1200. - That's, that's it? That's the paradox?Copy !req
1201. Just an unending black room?Copy !req
1202. - Maybe.Copy !req
1203. But I think not.Copy !req
1204. Now, stay with me on this.Copy !req
1205. Imagine the, uh, two conflicting timelinesCopy !req
1206. are more like differently
charged particles.Copy !req
1207. - But why would they do that?Copy !req
1208. - I said, "Stay with me."Copy !req
1209. Now, the paradox brings the twoCopy !req
1210. differently charged timelines together,Copy !req
1211. destroying both and removing
the conflicting information.Copy !req
1212. - The only place that informationCopy !req
1213. can be destroyed is a singularity.Copy !req
1214. - Exactly!Copy !req
1215. Black holes reduce
information to max entropy,Copy !req
1216. which means that the
natural response in natureCopy !req
1217. to a paradox is a black hole.Copy !req
1218. - So, we didn't destroy the universe!Copy !req
1219. We just created a black
hole in that timeline thatCopy !req
1220. destroyed the Earth and, and
killed everyone that we know.Copy !req
1221. - Oh, boy.Copy !req
1222. - Hold on, hold on.Copy !req
1223. If we created a black
hole in that timeline,Copy !req
1224. then how come Zeta Tim,
when we dropped him in,Copy !req
1225. could still breathe?Copy !req
1226. - Fuck off! I don't
know everything, Sigma!Copy !req
1227. I mean, this week, I
entangled and stored particlesCopy !req
1228. matched them to the
physical space of a door,Copy !req
1229. invented fucking time travel,Copy !req
1230. and may have just found a new
way to create black holes!Copy !req
1231. So, cut me some fucking slack!Copy !req
1232. - (sighs) I mean, maybe, if
you were able to cheat your wayCopy !req
1233. past the spaghettification
of an, of an event horizon,Copy !req
1234. then you would be moving
faster than the speed of lightCopy !req
1235. and frozen in time,
relative to the universe.Copy !req
1236. But you would continue to
perceive the passage of timeCopy !req
1237. as an illusion and just stay
in that state forever, maybe!Copy !req
1238. - So, Zeta Tim will be
falling through the void,Copy !req
1239. without aging or dying, literally forever?Copy !req
1240. - Well, shit. Now I feel bad.Copy !req
1241. - An important safety tip.Copy !req
1242. Nobody ever go the, the other way through.Copy !req
1243. - Makes sense to me! (chuckling)Copy !req
1244. See, kid?Copy !req
1245. Not magic.Copy !req
1246. Just power.Copy !req
1247. - Sorry, but who the hell are...Copy !req
1248. - Oh!Copy !req
1249. - Yeah!Copy !req
1250. Nice work. (chuckles)Copy !req
1251. Arthritis sets in, you
gotta start delegating,Copy !req
1252. you know, as you get older.Copy !req
1253. - If I may, uh...Copy !req
1254. Is this all about the stolen plutonium?Copy !req
1255. - Yeah. It's about the plutonium.Copy !req
1256. How the hell do you
forget about plutonium?Copy !req
1257. - Oh, that I stole.Copy !req
1258. - It's been a weird day.
- Weird, confusing.Copy !req
1259. Really, really stupid.Copy !req
1260. Although, it's about to get stupider!Copy !req
1261. - Arrogant mortals!Copy !req
1262. You're tampering with the very programmingCopy !req
1263. of reality itself!Copy !req
1264. - Holo-Universe. Fuckin' called it.Copy !req
1265. - Shut the fuck up!
- Who the fuck are you?Copy !req
1266. - Good question.Copy !req
1267. - Who the
fuck do you think I am?Copy !req
1268. I'm God, you miserable little shits!Copy !req
1269. - Now, that's it. I'm done.Copy !req
1270. If God actually exists, then I'm out.Copy !req
1271. Later, everybody.Copy !req
1272. - Hey! Did you just let that guy leave?Copy !req
1273. - I don't understand
what's happening right now!Copy !req
1274. - Me neither. Uh...Copy !req
1275. When you say God, do you mean
like, like a god or God, God?Copy !req
1276. You know? I just, I have
some follow-up questions.Copy !req
1277. To the statement, "I am God." (chuckles)Copy !req
1278. - And I think you're
full of shit! (chuckles)Copy !req
1279. - Just to be clear...Copy !req
1280. He did not speak for the group.Copy !req
1281. - You idiot!Copy !req
1282. Hey! I dunno what's gonna happen now!Copy !req
1283. - What are you?Copy !req
1284. - Thought I told you.Copy !req
1285. I'm the Alpha and Omega that's
about to own your bitch ass.Copy !req
1286. - Oh, you son of a fuck...Copy !req
1287. - Yeah!
- Woo!Copy !req
1288. - Shut up!Copy !req
1289. Forgot how annoying I am.Copy !req
1290. - Sorry. Um...Copy !req
1291. "I"?Copy !req
1292. - Do you know what it's
like to fall forever?Copy !req
1293. Unable to starve, unable to die.Copy !req
1294. You go mad!Copy !req
1295. You begin to create new
realities in your mind,Copy !req
1296. so as to not be so completely alone.Copy !req
1297. You refine and perfect each iteration,Copy !req
1298. until you can run a simulation so flawlessCopy !req
1299. that from the frame of the beings within,Copy !req
1300. the difference between their realityCopy !req
1301. and a physical one is semantics.Copy !req
1302. And you do it over and over,Copy !req
1303. until a perfect recreationCopy !req
1304. of your original reality
can be constructed.Copy !req
1305. ThatCopy !req
1306. is how you achieve God-hood, bitches.Copy !req
1307. - So, the universe is just a
simulated reality in your head?Copy !req
1308. - Yes.Copy !req
1309. - Based on the reality
that you originated from?Copy !req
1310. - Yes!Copy !req
1311. - A reality in which you
were the Zeta Tim that we...Copy !req
1312. Sorry. He dropped into a black hole?Copy !req
1313. - Yes.Copy !req
1314. - Dude!Copy !req
1315. - I created this universe
for the sole purposeCopy !req
1316. of arriving at this very moment.Copy !req
1317. - To tell us that you love and forgive us?Copy !req
1318. - No.Copy !req
1319. - (groans) Fuckin' why?Copy !req
1320. - Come on.Copy !req
1321. - It starts with
the cause. We will stop-Copy !req
1322. - Weren't you just-Copy !req
1323. - Yeah. I just got one of those faces.Copy !req
1324. I know.Copy !req
1325. You would not believe the
weird shit I have seen today.Copy !req
1326. - Illegal Canadians coming down-Copy !req
1327. - You buy me this drink,
and I'll blow your mind.Copy !req
1328. - As you know,
they can't buy homes-Copy !req
1329. - Listen, I...
(Alpha Tim creaking)Copy !req
1330. - Live the American
dream, but no, they are poor.Copy !req
1331. And, uh, you know, my heart
goes out to 'em and my heart-Copy !req
1332. - Oh, man, that felt good!Copy !req
1333. Oh, yes.Copy !req
1334. Yes, yes, yes. Fuck yeah, fuck yeah!Copy !req
1335. Fuck yeah! (laughs)Copy !req
1336. Oh!Copy !req
1337. Ah. (sighs)Copy !req
1338. (chuckles) Of course, now I wonder...Copy !req
1339. - Hm.Copy !req
1340. Hm.Copy !req
1341. Yes, apparently it is
possible to kill God.Copy !req
1342. Hm.Copy !req
1343. Still feel like I'm forgetting something.Copy !req
1344. - They're always screaming at me.Copy !req
1345. I can't understand 'em. He's
gotta do something about it.Copy !req
1346. - Can, can I get another one? Um...Copy !req
1347. Okay, look.Copy !req
1348. - (grunts) Travers. Travers!Copy !req
1349. - Me?Copy !req
1350. - How could I forget something?Copy !req
1351. Omnipotence knows no exceptions!Copy !req
1352. Unless I didn't create this universe.Copy !req
1353. I...Copy !req
1354. I just hacked it.Copy !req
1355. Which would mean that...Copy !req
1356. I'm limited.Copy !req
1357. Just another meek little...Copy !req
1358. No, no, no!Copy !req
1359. Well, maybe.Copy !req
1360. Not for long.Copy !req
1361. - Do these look even?
(bartender screams)Copy !req
1362. Oh!Copy !req
1363. Oh, that is really getting old.Copy !req
1364. So, um, about what we were
talking about earlier.Copy !req
1365. - Hey, thank you. (chuckles)Copy !req
1366. - Okay, um... (clears throat)Copy !req
1367. So, so you and that Helter guyCopy !req
1368. were coming here to kill me because-Copy !req
1369. - Stolen reactor.Copy !req
1370. - Stolen reactor, right. (sighs)Copy !req
1371. I knew that radio show was a mistake.Copy !req
1372. But, but just so I'm clear,Copy !req
1373. you're not gonna kill me now?Copy !req
1374. - No.Copy !req
1375. You wanna know the secret to a long life?Copy !req
1376. Know your limitations.Copy !req
1377. The other you killed my men with his mind!Copy !req
1378. Look. I'm outta here.Copy !req
1379. I'm gonna go home, call my grandkids,Copy !req
1380. and tell 'em I love 'em.Copy !req
1381. - Wow! You...Copy !req
1382. You, you're married?Copy !req
1383. With, with kids and
grandkids? That's amazing.Copy !req
1384. - The fuck's that supposed to mean?Copy !req
1385. - Didn't mean to offend, I...
(Royce growls)Copy !req
1386. It's just that you're literally
a professional murderer.Copy !req
1387. I mean, does your wife know about that?Copy !req
1388. - She thinks it's hot. (chuckles)Copy !req
1389. And it is.Copy !req
1390. - Well...Copy !req
1391. Good for you, and her.Copy !req
1392. - Mm.
(Tim sighs)Copy !req
1393. - Some people are just meant for love.Copy !req
1394. Some aren't.
- Ah, bullshit.Copy !req
1395. Abusers, rapists, drug dealers,
murderers, politicians,Copy !req
1396. pricks on YouTubes,
worst people imaginable,Copy !req
1397. most still find someone to love 'emCopy !req
1398. in spite of being
worthless fuckin' garbage!Copy !req
1399. And that includes you.Copy !req
1400. Now, your problem is that you don't knowCopy !req
1401. how to love yourself, and
nobody can help you with that,Copy !req
1402. but you.Copy !req
1403. Ah!Copy !req
1404. - I loved myself, today.Copy !req
1405. - Look, I don't know
what the fuck that means,Copy !req
1406. but I'll tell you, you wanna
learn to love yourself,Copy !req
1407. you've gotta find the
angriest, ugliest part of youCopy !req
1408. and show that son of a
bitch they're beautiful.Copy !req
1409. - You must have to do that a lot.Copy !req
1410. - Screw you.Copy !req
1411. I'm beautiful.Copy !req
1412. You don't believe me,
just ask my grandkids.Copy !req
1413. Where you goin'?Copy !req
1414. - Following your advice.Copy !req
1415. It's time to meet my maker.Copy !req
1416. - Hey, you try to talk to
that guy and you're gonna die!Copy !req
1417. - Wouldn't be the first time. (chuckles)Copy !req
1418. (bartender screams)
Oh!Copy !req
1419. Come on! Get over it!Copy !req
1420. That's why I don't tip!Copy !req
1421. What the hell is that?Copy !req
1422. - Looks like a buildup
of stacked singularities,Copy !req
1423. if you ask me.Copy !req
1424. - That's...Copy !req
1425. Yeah.Copy !req
1426. (buildings crumbling)
Holy shit!Copy !req
1427. - And I think we know,
say it out loud together,Copy !req
1428. who's starting these fires.Copy !req
1429. Illegal Canadians.Copy !req
1430. That's right, Illegal Canadians
coming down from CanadaCopy !req
1431. building themselves these fires,Copy !req
1432. because as you know,
they can't buy a home.Copy !req
1433. Look, go grab your mom,
tell her you love her.Copy !req
1434. - Oh, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad.Copy !req
1435. Come on. Pick up, pick up!Copy !req
1436. - Hello?Copy !req
1437. - Hey, uh, Delilah? Yeah, it's, it's Tim.Copy !req
1438. The, uh, the, the time travel guy?Copy !req
1439. I, uh, I just wanted to say I'm sorry.Copy !req
1440. - Oh, this oughta be rich.Copy !req
1441. - I just wanted you to know thatCopy !req
1442. we're clearly not going
to be a thing, um...Copy !req
1443. - You seriously called to tell me that?Copy !req
1444. - And! And to apologize.Copy !req
1445. I know I saw a lot of ugly
versions of myself today,Copy !req
1446. and I'm pretty sure you did, too!Copy !req
1447. So, I'm sorry things
got so out of control,Copy !req
1448. and I'm sorry that I failed.Copy !req
1449. It's just something that I do.Copy !req
1450. I don't know why I do it.
- Honestly, Tim, it's fine.Copy !req
1451. I mean, it was fucked up,Copy !req
1452. but there's a middle ground
between hate and love and...Copy !req
1453. That's us. The middle people.Copy !req
1454. - Thanks. I'm gonna try and
put all this back together.Copy !req
1455. - I thought you said you weren't gonna tryCopy !req
1456. to make us a thing?Copy !req
1457. - No, no, no. I
meant the universe! (chuckles)Copy !req
1458. - What about it?Copy !req
1459. - Well, what do you mean, "What about it?"Copy !req
1460. Have you looked out your wi...Copy !req
1461. - Goodbye, Tim, and maybe
try to be nicer to yourself.Copy !req
1462. Literally.Copy !req
1463. - Believe it or not, that
is actually the idea.Copy !req
1464. - Fuck.Copy !req
1465. - I love you, baby.
(speaks foreign language)Copy !req
1466. - So, that's how Bigfoot does it.Copy !req
1467. - I choose not to believe in that.Copy !req
1468. - I remember you.Copy !req
1469. You're the one that said a
few hours can change a person.Copy !req
1470. Well, you have no idea how right you were.Copy !req
1471. Do you know what it's
like to fall forever?Copy !req
1472. - Skip.Copy !req
1473. I know the universe is
a creation in your head,Copy !req
1474. Russian nesting doll
style, and that you're God.Copy !req
1475. Royce filled me in.Copy !req
1476. I figured out on the way overCopy !req
1477. that you couldn't actually be GodCopy !req
1478. and must've just hacked the system.Copy !req
1479. (sighs) And judging by the unraveling,Copy !req
1480. I'm guessing you figured that out, too,Copy !req
1481. and you're not taking it very well.Copy !req
1482. - I'm unmaking this universe
one paradox at a time,Copy !req
1483. mounting like gravity
into a singular pointCopy !req
1484. that will break the whole of creation.Copy !req
1485. - As one does.Copy !req
1486. - I even murdered the
younger versions of us,Copy !req
1487. just to get warmed up.Copy !req
1488. - How did that go?Copy !req
1489. - Yeah.Copy !req
1490. Well, there was a lot
of crying, but you know.Copy !req
1491. Children.Copy !req
1492. - Damn. Damn, dude, that, that is dark.Copy !req
1493. That...Copy !req
1494. I mean, I mean that is, that is fucked up.Copy !req
1495. Like, even for us.Copy !req
1496. - Well, tell that to Potato!Copy !req
1497. - Yeah. Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
1498. You know what? You're right!Copy !req
1499. You're right, and now that
I'm, I'm thinking about it,Copy !req
1500. maybe the reason that we are so aloneCopy !req
1501. is because we are all so fucking awful!Copy !req
1502. - That's us.Copy !req
1503. - (sighs) No.Copy !req
1504. no, no, no, no, no, no. That, that's me.Copy !req
1505. You are something else, entirely.Copy !req
1506. Like, I don't know what
eternity did to you,Copy !req
1507. but whatever it is, it's ugly.Copy !req
1508. It's childish!Copy !req
1509. I may be the worst person
in the world, but you,Copy !req
1510. you scared, small, whimpering
glitch in the system,Copy !req
1511. you are the worst version of the worst guyCopy !req
1512. of all fucking time!Copy !req
1513. - Second to none, baby. (chuckles)Copy !req
1514. - So that's it. That's it?Copy !req
1515. You're just gonna burn it all downCopy !req
1516. until there's nothing left
but a little whining childCopy !req
1517. having a temper tantrum
because he's lonely?Copy !req
1518. - Burn, baby, burn!Copy !req
1519. - Is that really what you want?Copy !req
1520. - Are you okay?Copy !req
1521. - Yeah. (sniffles) Yeah, um...Copy !req
1522. (sighs) Sorry. That was
literally building forever.Copy !req
1523. They left me in a black hole.Copy !req
1524. They left me alone, literally forever.Copy !req
1525. - Yeah, that wasn't cool. (sighs)Copy !req
1526. Not that it matters, but I
wasn't a part of that, so...Copy !req
1527. - Guess that makes you the best of us.Copy !req
1528. - Grading on a curve.Copy !req
1529. What is that?Copy !req
1530. - Oh, that's the...Copy !req
1531. That's the center.Copy !req
1532. The universe never used to have a center,Copy !req
1533. but, but now that it's broken,Copy !req
1534. that's the center of what's left.Copy !req
1535. Please?Copy !req
1536. Let's find out together?Copy !req
1537. - Why not?Copy !req
1538. - And you are?Copy !req
1539. - I am that I am.Copy !req
1540. I am that which decided that
one plus one would equal two,Copy !req
1541. that structured the graviton.Copy !req
1542. I am the simulator of your universe.Copy !req
1543. - And a dude. Delilah owes us five bucks.Copy !req
1544. - "Dude" is an oversimplification.Copy !req
1545. My full aspect simplyCopy !req
1546. exceeds your comprehension.Copy !req
1547. - Try me.
- All right.Copy !req
1548. What can I do for you?
- Is there a meaning of life?Copy !req
1549. - Yes.
- Seriously?Copy !req
1550. - Yes!Copy !req
1551. But it has nothing to do with humans.Copy !req
1552. The purpose of life is, uh,
um, how do I phrase this,Copy !req
1553. to maximize a specific numerical
output via this simulation.Copy !req
1554. I realize that must be
totally wasted on you.Copy !req
1555. - Not really. It's like a high score.Copy !req
1556. - Perfect analogy.Copy !req
1557. The meaning of existence is
for me to achieve a high score.Copy !req
1558. Humanity is a randomly
generated background element.Copy !req
1559. - So, the creator of all thingsCopy !req
1560. didn't even have a hand in us?Copy !req
1561. - But that had to be obvious.Copy !req
1562. You're not even near the
good part of your own galaxy!Copy !req
1563. You'd have to be insane to observe thisCopy !req
1564. and to think that you
somehow had relevance.Copy !req
1565. - We broke your simulation.Copy !req
1566. - Unfortunately.Copy !req
1567. - Then, ipso facto, Tim Travers
is the most important personCopy !req
1568. in the entire universe, ever.Copy !req
1569. Hell yeah!
(hands slap)Copy !req
1570. - I hope that high five was worth it.Copy !req
1571. And now, I have to reset this universe.Copy !req
1572. - What gives you that authority?Copy !req
1573. - How are you not following
this? I am literally God.Copy !req
1574. - But what, what does that mean, exactly?Copy !req
1575. Like, do you exist as
a part of this world?Copy !req
1576. Or are you the, the
sentience of all matter?Copy !req
1577. Or do you exist in a
world apart from this?Copy !req
1578. - I exist beyond your comprehension.Copy !req
1579. - Right, right. Got it.Copy !req
1580. Another world that ours is nested in,Copy !req
1581. is beyond our comprehension,
except that it's not.Copy !req
1582. So, in that place, what are you?Copy !req
1583. - I am the Alpha and Omega.Copy !req
1584. - That is not what I asked, God!Copy !req
1585. To others like you, what are you?Copy !req
1586. - (sighs) You could call me a storyteller.Copy !req
1587. - What does that mean?Copy !req
1588. - I create a story and share
it with others of my kind,Copy !req
1589. for spiritual growth.Copy !req
1590. And compensation.Copy !req
1591. - Like, like a novelist?Copy !req
1592. - In only the most reductive terms.Copy !req
1593. - But you have a publisher.Copy !req
1594. - It's complicated. Uh...Copy !req
1595. Self-publishing.Copy !req
1596. - Oh! (snickers)Copy !req
1597. He isn't even published!Copy !req
1598. - So, so, so you're a,
uh, unpublished novelistCopy !req
1599. who is simulating a, uh...Copy !req
1600. Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.Copy !req
1601. A simulation is a game.Copy !req
1602. But that's, that's what
you meant by high score?Copy !req
1603. I mean, that's not an analogy!Copy !req
1604. That's just you trying
to hit the high scoreCopy !req
1605. in a management game!Copy !req
1606. - You exist because I say so!Copy !req
1607. - You didn't even make it, did you?Copy !req
1608. A, a better, more talented God did.Copy !req
1609. Then you bought it and plugged
in a bunch of variablesCopy !req
1610. to see what would happen and... (chuckles)Copy !req
1611. And we are a retail product
for a bored, failed writer!Copy !req
1612. - Self-publishing is a respected stepCopy !req
1613. in the literary process.Copy !req
1614. It is not my fault that you
don't understand the industry!Copy !req
1615. And you need to show me some
respect, since I can end time.Copy !req
1616. - "Oh, and I'm Time God!"Copy !req
1617. Your threat is meaningless.
There are no stakes here!Copy !req
1618. Just like everything else,
this isn't about you.Copy !req
1619. - Why are you so...Copy !req
1620. Mean?Copy !req
1621. - Well, when you die,
you can ask your creatorCopy !req
1622. for an explanation.Copy !req
1623. - So, uh, we're gonna
remake the universe, right?Copy !req
1624. - (sighs) It'll be different.Copy !req
1625. No more people.Copy !req
1626. Just physics, math.Copy !req
1627. Pure, sweet silence.Copy !req
1628. - You can't be serious!Copy !req
1629. - Do you even need me here?Copy !req
1630. - No!
- No!Copy !req
1631. What's your novel even about, anyway?Copy !req
1632. - Oh, um, it's about a rich boyCopy !req
1633. who finds himself on the mean streets.Copy !req
1634. And by "finds himself",
I mean finds himself.Copy !req
1635. - Stop, stop. Awful, no.Copy !req
1636. - And I, I don't mean
just like stop talking.Copy !req
1637. I mean, stop writing.Copy !req
1638. Go back to what I assume
was a perfectly good IT job,Copy !req
1639. and be thankful that you have it.Copy !req
1640. - Enough!Copy !req
1641. This universe is over!Copy !req
1642. And when I create my next universe,Copy !req
1643. it'll be so much neater than this one.Copy !req
1644. And mostly because...Copy !req
1645. No Tim Travers.Copy !req
1646. No whiny little mother...Copy !req
1647. - Wait. What happened?Copy !req
1648. - Oh, I booted him out
of the game. (chuckles)Copy !req
1649. (sighs) Don't worry, though.Copy !req
1650. Guys like him can't code for shit.Copy !req
1651. - So, about that whole new universe.Copy !req
1652. - A universe of me and only me.Copy !req
1653. - What about everyone else?
- What about them?Copy !req
1654. Please, name one person that you met todayCopy !req
1655. that wasn't just completely awful.Copy !req
1656. - But then we won't have a
chance to know if we're wrong!Copy !req
1657. Rapists, abusers, murderers,
politicians, YouTubers.Copy !req
1658. They're the worst people ever!Copy !req
1659. Most of them will still find
love, in spite of themselves.Copy !req
1660. And I know for a fact that we can, too.Copy !req
1661. - How do you know?Copy !req
1662. - Because I did.Copy !req
1663. It wasn't long, but it ended...Copy !req
1664. It ended badly.Copy !req
1665. But for a second there,
I knew what it felt like.Copy !req
1666. - What did it feel like?Copy !req
1667. - Felt like...Copy !req
1668. Coming up for air.Copy !req
1669. If you've been holding
your breath forever.Copy !req
1670. - How?Copy !req
1671. I mean, while none of us
were paying attention,Copy !req
1672. you just somehow stumbled
into a romantic subplot?Copy !req
1673. - A few hours can change a person.Copy !req
1674. - I wanna believe that...Copy !req
1675. No. No, no, no.Copy !req
1676. All this proves is that we
are different people now.Copy !req
1677. You found it. I, I didn't.Copy !req
1678. I...Copy !req
1679. I won't.Copy !req
1680. Some people...Copy !req
1681. Some people are better alone.Copy !req
1682. Deserve to be alone.Copy !req
1683. People like me.Copy !req
1684. People who...Copy !req
1685. - I love you, Tim Travers.Copy !req
1686. And I don't want you to be alone.Copy !req
1687. But that's up to you, buddy.Copy !req
1688. - What the fuck was that?Copy !req
1689. I...Copy !req
1690. Oh.Copy !req
1691. (sighs) Right.Copy !req
1692. This again.Copy !req
1693. (chuckles) I guess it doesn't have to be.Copy !req
1694. Hm.Copy !req
1695. Ah, what the fuck. Why not?Copy !req
1696. (sighs) Just...Copy !req
1697. Just take one point of infinite energy.Copy !req
1698. Ah, yes.Copy !req
1699. And then add will.Copy !req
1700. Time.Copy !req
1701. And that should make...Copy !req
1702. Should getCopy !req
1703. oneCopy !req
1704. bigCopy !req
1705. ba...Copy !req
1706. Really?Copy !req
1707. - My god, what am I doing?Copy !req
1708. What am I doing?Copy !req
1709. Come on! (grunts)Copy !req
1710. Ow!Copy !req
1711. Ah!Copy !req
1712. Ooh!Copy !req
1713. Ooh!Copy !req
1714. Oh, what was I thinking?Copy !req
1715. Oh, my god.Copy !req
1716. I can't believe I almost did that.Copy !req
1717. I've got a date tonight! (chuckles)Copy !req
1718. (sighs) Tim, what were you thinking?Copy !req
1719. Oh!Copy !req
1720. Hoo!Copy !req
1721. But on the other hand...Copy !req
1722. - Dumb ass!
- Fuck!Copy !req