1. Oh.
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2. Oh, good morning.
Hi. Hi. Hi.
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3. I'm Chef Goldblum.
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4. And right now
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5. I'll bet you're probably
just getting comfortable
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6. in your own
Schlaaang Super Seat.
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7. But maybe you're
asking yourself,
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8. "What the heck is this
Schlaaang Super Seat exactly?"
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9. Here's how the Schlaaang
Super Seat works!
Copy !req
10. First, several needles
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11. are connected to
a vein in your arm.
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12. Chemicals are then introduced
to synchronize your emotions
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13. with the movie.
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14. Next, air tubes are inserted
into the nasal cavity
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15. to guide you into
a natural breathing pattern.
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16. Exotic odors are released
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17. to match the excitement
of the movie.
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18. Finally, your legs are moved
out of your line of sight
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19. and into our patented
Schlaaang stirrups,
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20. to give you a viewing experience
you'll never forget.
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21. Oh! Oh! Oh!
I gotta tell you.
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22. My favorite thing about this
whole Schlaaang Super Seat
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23. is the automatic popcorn
machine in the armrest.
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24. Of course, be careful.
I— you know, I actually did this.
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25. That hot butter
is gonna come spurting out.
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26. Don't get it on your hand.
It's gonna burn.
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27. And remember,
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28. if you're not sitting
in a Schlaaang Super Seat...
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29. you're just not
sitting down.
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30. The Schlaaang Super Seat.
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31. The ultimate film-watching
seating experience!
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32. Close your left eye.
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33. Now rapidly open and close
your left eye like this.
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34. Wow! This is easy.
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35. Now close your right eye.
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36. Now rapidly open and close
your right eye like this.
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37. Thank you.
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38. It is advised to remove your
dentures or false teeth
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39. before the movie begins.
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40. I've been walking down
these streets for years.
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41. Bonjour, Diamond Jim.
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42. Bonjour.
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43. Diamond Jim,
good to see you.
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44. Bonjour.
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45. They all know my name.
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46. But I can't say
that I know theirs.
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47. Bonjour.
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48. - What can I say?
- sweet Paris.
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49. Bonjour.
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50. The smell of baguettes, flowers,
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51. fresh meat in the air.
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52. Bonjour.
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53. Bonjour.
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54. This is a town full of beautiful people
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55. all around you.
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56. Bonjour.
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57. Oui, oui. Magnifique.
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58. I'm Diamond Jim.
This is my home.
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59. My people.
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60. But there's only one
that has my attention.
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61. What can I get you,
Diamond Jim?
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62. What do I have to do
to get you to finally go out with me?
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63. Well...
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64. a girl cannot
say no to diamonds.
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65. Well, why didn't
you say so?
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66. Oh, my God,
it is so beautiful.
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67. Now kiss me.
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68. What the fuck was that?
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69. - That's it.
- That's our movie.
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70. - Should we?
- Let's go make a speech.
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71. Okay.
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72. One more second.
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73. This is the story of Tim and Eric.
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74. They were given
$1 billion
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75. to make their first
feature film
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76. Tommy Schlaaang.
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77. I paid a billion dollars
for that piece of shit?
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78. But Tim and Eric did not
spend their money wisely.
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79. Despite the record-setting
budget,
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80. they were only able
to edit together
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81. three minutes
of useable footage.
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82. They had expensive
personal make-overs.
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83. These two guys don't get
into premiere parties.
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84. These guys get in the front of
the line at premiere parties.
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85. And they accidentally cast
a Johnny Depp impersonator
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86. instead of the genuine
Johnny Depp.
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87. - You said it was Johnny Depp.
- It smelled like Johnny Depp.
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88. Everyone said this is Johnny Depp
on the set. It was a big day.
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89. No, it wasn't Johnny Depp.
I know my Johnny Depp.
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90. Other expenses included
helicopter rides to work,
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91. 10-course lunches,
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92. and real diamonds
for the Diamond Jim suit.
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93. The diamonds are forever,
though, and we can't return them, so...
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94. Those diamonds
aren't going back.
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95. They hired a personal shopper
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96. and spiritual guru
named Jim Joe Kelly,
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97. who they paid an astonishing
$500,000 a week.
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98. I'm not even walking on a set
without Jim Joe.
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99. If you think I'm gonna
get involved in something
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100. without him being a part of this,
then you're out of your mind.
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101. They also employed a team
of personal assistants,
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102. including this
small man named Jason.
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103. Not now.
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104. Tim and I are making a speech about
our movie, and you fucking blew it.
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105. Come on, Jason, we need the hot corn
before the movie, not after the movie.
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106. - You mind if I do it?
- Go ahead.
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107. Come on!
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108. Now sit down.
Sorry about that, gang.
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109. But perhaps
most foolishly of all,
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110. they signed a
legally binding contract
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111. with the Schlaaang Corporation
which held them
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112. personally responsible
for the $1 billion.
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113. I want my money back!
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114. We're going to sue you
for every dime.
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115. You motherfuckers
are going to jail
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116. for what you did!
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117. After several
threatening letters
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118. from the Schlaaang
Corporation,
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119. Tim and Eric realized
they needed a plan
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120. to pay back Schlaaang's
billion dollars.
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121. - Shred it.
- Okay.
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122. We've really got to think
of a way to get that money back.
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123. There's got to be
an easy way to do it here.
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124. Are you guys hungry?
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125. We could get some beef chili
and hot dog buns
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126. like you like to put your mouth
around like you like to do.
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127. Ma! When we're hungry,
I'll ring the bell.
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128. Then you'll know
to put some chili on.
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129. After days of workshopping failed ideas,
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130. Tim and Eric faced
the very real threat
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131. of spending the rest
of their lives in jail.
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132. But first they had to
terminate their relationship
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133. with their trusted friend
and spiritual guru,
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134. Jim Joe Kelly.
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135. You're not going to believe
what I bought for you.
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136. We've got to tell him.
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137. Oh, mercy.
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138. I'm sensing some...
real depression here.
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139. What's going on?
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140. Tell him.
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141. Jim Joe, we have
to let you go.
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142. Wha...
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143. - I'm sorry.
- What? What?
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144. - It's all over, Jim Joe.
- What?
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145. - It's okay.
- What?
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146. - It's okay, Jim Joe.
- Breathe.
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147. I can't—
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148. - Breathe.
- Oh!
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149. - Jim Joe?
- Oh, God.
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150. Ohh!
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151. No! No!
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152. Pull him up.
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153. One, two, three!
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154. That's not how you do CPR.
You go like this.
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155. See? Do it. Shit.
He's drying out.
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156. - He's drying out! Put him back in!
- Change our plan!
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157. I can't breathe! I can't breathe!
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158. No. No, no, no, no.
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159. Just steep it.
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160. Why can't I just work
at a reduced rate?
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161. The money's gone. We lost a billion
dollars. We're screwed.
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162. Easy, Jim Joe.
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163. Easy.
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164. After all that I've
done for you!
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165. Oh, Jim Joe.
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166. This is so much harder
for us than it is for you.
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167. All right. We're sorry.
We're just broke.
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168. Great singing voice.
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169. He's wonderful.
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170. He's remarkable.
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171. I guess this is goodbye.
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172. Time to move on.
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173. Please out.
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174. Is it "please out"
or "peace out"?
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175. - It's up to you.
- Enjoy it.
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176. Please out.
Copy !req
177. So, with nowhere left to go,
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178. Tim and Eric headed
to their favorite nightclub,
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179. Circus Disco,
to drown their sorrows.
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180. I don't know what we're
going to do, man.
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181. I think we're finished.
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182. We screwed up.
No one's ever gonna let us
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183. direct another movie
after that shit.
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184. You know, I used to have this
crazy fantasy of the two of us
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185. walking hand in hand
down that red carpet
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186. on our way
to the Academy Awards.
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187. That's nice.
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188. I don't think
it's gonna happen.
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189. I just want to get
fucking drunk.
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190. Forget about all this
billion-dollar bullshit.
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191. I'm glad you said it because
I'm feeling the same way.
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192. I want to get
so fucking high.
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193. - I want a hashish.
- I'm gonna get skit on my nose.
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194. Yo, I want to go dumb.
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195. I want to cut
my fucking arm off.
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196. I'd love to fucking get
blackout-drunk with you,
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197. get a bunch of dudes,
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198. put a bunch of shit
up our holes.
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199. Yeah,
let's go fucking nuts.
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200. Let's dance!
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201. Aah!
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202. Aah!
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203. Aah!
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204. Ow!
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205. Oh, wow.
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206. Ohh...
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207. Yeah.
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208. - You all right?
- Yeah.
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209. Do you want to make
a billion dollars?
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210. It's easy. Come and run my mall.
You'll be rich.
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211. Hey, Eric,
come check this out.
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212. You all love malls,
so take my mall.
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213. What's the matter?
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214. You don't want to make
a billion dollars?
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215. Anyone can run
a stupid fucking mall,
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216. even you.
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217. Are you a man,
or possibly two men,
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218. who need to make
a billion dollars?
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219. Come and run my mall.
We're having hard times.
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220. We need your ideas.
Everybody needs a billion.
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221. Come and take over the S'wallow Valley
Mall and pizza court.
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222. It's easy.
Not hard.
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223. I said it's easy,
not hard.
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224. There's never been an easier
way to make a billion dollars.
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225. It's easy. And here's
- it's easy.
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226. What's the matter? You don't want
to make a billion dollars?
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227. My day wasn't going good
until I put on these—
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228. Billion dollars.
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229. Man, I love this—
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230. Billion dollars.
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231. I'm giving away a billion—
billion dollars!
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232. But you gotta
run my mall.
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233. Please save our mall.
We need your help.
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234. Ah.
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235. I work at one of the kiosks,
and it would mean the world
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236. - if someone would come in here...
- She's so beautiful.
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237. and help us make
this mall great again.
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238. Come to the S'wallow Valley Mall,
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239. right off the 182 freeway
in S'wallow Valley.
Copy !req
240. Sounds crazy, Eric,
I know, but I think we can do this.
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241. Yo, I like it.
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242. - This mall could be easy money, man.
- That's right.
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243. You know what? And I'm really good at
numbers, accounting, all that stuff.
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244. Well, you know me. I'm a big P.R.,
strategy, marketing kind of guy.
Copy !req
245. But you know,
more importantly, man,
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246. I just want to say this could
be a fresh start for us.
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247. We could forget all about
this Hollywood bullshit
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248. and really reinvent
ourselves.
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249. Yeah. You know, I've been meaning
to tell you this all night,
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250. but I love you, man.
And I love our friendship.
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251. Well, thank you.
I honor you,
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252. and I honor our friendship,
and I honor our love.
Copy !req
253. It would mean a lot to me
if we could run this mall
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254. and I could make love
to this hot woman
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255. and we could start a business
partnership together.
Copy !req
256. I love it, but I've
got a big problem.
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257. I hate to do this
to you here.
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258. I need to have an emergency
business meeting right now.
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259. Because guess what? We don't have
a name for our company yet.
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260. Shit.
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261. All right.
What are we good at?
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262. Well, we're men
who do business.
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263. We want to be
business members.
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264. We're boys
who do business.
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265. - Yeah.
- But...
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266. Eric. Look.
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267. It's a sign.
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268. "Doing business."
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269. "Dobis."
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270. I love it. It's got a ring
to it, doesn't it?
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271. - Yeah.
- Dobis.
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272. "That's who we are."
We're Dobis P.R.
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273. Dobis.
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274. - Look at that.
- Look at all the elements of business.
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275. - Look it. They're all there, Eric.
- Market research.
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276. - There's strategic P.R.
- Profit and loss.
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277. I'll have the report
to you by Monday.
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278. I'll look forward to it.
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279. Guys,
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280. I told you, you should
never have fired me.
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281. Jim Joe,
what do you want?
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282. I've got some poetry about regret
I'd like to share with you.
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283. Come on, Jim Joe.
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284. Friendship is warm,
friendship is touch.
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285. Jim Joe, please stop.
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286. We have to do this for ourselves.
We're sorry.
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287. - We've got to leave you behind.
- I'm sick, and I'm lost,
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288. and I'm tired
of floating around.
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289. We love you, Jim Joe.
We wish you the best.
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290. Let's go.
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291. Hi, this is Tim and Eric.
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292. Sorry we're not
here right now.
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293. We've left town to become
business members.
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294. We are now Dobis.
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295. Please leave a message
for Dobis.
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296. Be blessed.
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297. Shit.
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298. Son of a bitch.
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299. They just skipped town
on us, Tommy.
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300. - You find them.
- Mm-hmm.
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301. Find them if it's
the last thing you do.
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302. I want to drink their blood.
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303. - I want to take a knife and gut them!
- Yes.
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304. Oh, God, let me watch
their insides fall out.
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305. Yes. Yes. Yes.
What else, Tommy?
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306. - I want to strap them up—
- Yes.
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307. And let a bamboo tree grow
right up into their ass, huh?
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308. Yes.
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309. Until the tree grows straight
through their brains!
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310. Yes. And I will
deliver them unto you.
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311. I want to eat
their fucking hearts!
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312. Yeah!
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313. Yes. Yes. Yes.
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314. Okay.
Tell me what you think.
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315. Uh, "Dear Mr. Weebs,
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316. We are very, very, very,
very excited to meet you.
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317. We are Dobis."
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318. That's all I've got so far.
What do you think?
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319. Oh, I'm sorry, dude.
I wasn't listening to you.
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320. I'm just so focused
on this ridiculous look.
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321. It's not working anymore.
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322. Let me take a look.
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323. It's just not right.
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324. You know what, Eric, if we're
going to be businessmen,
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325. I think maybe we should
look like businessmen, too.
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326. - I agree.
- Hold on a second.
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327. Now hold still.
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328. Goodbye.
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329. Oh!
Copy !req
330. Good night, Katie.
I miss you, my sweets.
Copy !req
331. Boy, you're really getting
attached to that photo, bud.
Copy !req
332. Tim, it's not
just a picture, man.
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333. That could be
the girl of my dreams.
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334. All right. Let's just
try to stay focused
Copy !req
335. on what's important here.
Copy !req
336. Ever since I saw you
in that commercial, Katie,
Copy !req
337. I felt this electricity
in my heart.
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338. I can't wait to meet you
and make love to you
Copy !req
339. and go deep inside you
and show you my mushroom tip.
Copy !req
340. All right, well,
I'm hitting the sack.
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341. Oh.
Copy !req
342. What the hell?
Copy !req
343. Okay.
Copy !req
344. - Katie.
- Okay.
Copy !req
345. All right.
Copy !req
346. You want to finish
that in the bathroom?
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347. Almost done.
Almost done.
Copy !req
348. Okay. Well, I'm gonna
say good night, then.
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349. We've come
a long way, Tim.
Copy !req
350. We could turn around
right now if you want.
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351. No.
Copy !req
352. I'm ready.
Copy !req
353. All right.
Let's go.
Copy !req
354. Hello?
Copy !req
355. Mr. Weebs?
Copy !req
356. Mr. Weebs?
Copy !req
357. Mr. Weebs?
Hello?
Copy !req
358. - What? What the—
- Mr. Weebs?
Copy !req
359. Go to heck!
Copy !req
360. - Whoa!
- Who is that, Taquito?
Copy !req
361. No, sir.
It's Dobis.
Copy !req
362. - It's Tim and Eric.
- Tim and Eric.
Copy !req
363. Oh.
Copy !req
364. - Oh. Come in.
- Thank you.
Copy !req
365. Yeah. Come in.
Copy !req
366. - Tim and Eric. Hello.
- Hi. Sorry to spook you.
Copy !req
367. - Good to meet you.
- Hi. Come in.
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368. Hi. Hi.
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369. I did not expect you guys.
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370. I don't usually have visitors
at this time of the day.
Copy !req
371. So thank you.
Copy !req
372. Please, sit down.
Have a s—
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373. God! Come on!
Copy !req
374. God damn it!
There's an order here.
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375. Sorry.
Copy !req
376. Oh!
All this was organized.
Copy !req
377. Now, I don't know.
Copy !req
378. Because a couple of dicks
walked in and wrecked it.
Copy !req
379. - Can I help you?
- No!
Copy !req
380. Have you ever visited
an office before?
Copy !req
381. - You want us to come back another time?
- No.
Copy !req
382. I almost had a heart attack.
Copy !req
383. Can we have a fresh start?
Copy !req
384. - That'd be great.
- Hi, I'm Eric Wareheim.
Copy !req
385. And I'm Tim Heidecker.
And we are from Dobis P.R.
Copy !req
386. We saw your commercial,
Copy !req
387. and we're here
to run the mall
Copy !req
388. and make that billion.
Copy !req
389. Do you want
to watch "Top Gun"?
Copy !req
390. - Right now?
- I love that movie.
Copy !req
391. - You have a copy?
- I have it here somewhere.
Copy !req
392. There it is.
It was right here...
Copy !req
393. - Right on top.
- ... the whole time.
Copy !req
394. Okay. "Top Gun."
Copy !req
395. - Just put it in here?
- Just put it right in there.
Copy !req
396. Great.
Copy !req
397. Does it start
from the top?
Copy !req
398. Mm-hmm.
Copy !req
399. "Top Gun" from the top.
Copy !req
400. Sit back and enjoy the ride.
Copy !req
401. - Tom Cruise, I guess.
- Mm-hmm.
Copy !req
402. - Ah.
- Great.
Copy !req
403. - I like that movie.
- It's a good movie.
Copy !req
404. - Terrific.
- Wonderful. Artistic.
Copy !req
405. Do you want
to watch it again?
Copy !req
406. We just saw
one pass of it, so...
Copy !req
407. We'd love to focus
in on the business.
Copy !req
408. It literally means
the world to me.
Copy !req
409. Come on.
Copy !req
410. I guess we can watch it
one more time.
Copy !req
411. Yeah.
Copy !req
412. - Rewind here?
- Rewind.
Copy !req
413. So while
we're rewinding,
Copy !req
414. let's talk business
about the mall.
Copy !req
415. And hit play.
Copy !req
416. - Okay. Play again?
- Round two.
Copy !req
417. - Play again.
- "Top Gun" from the top again.
Copy !req
418. Sit back and enjoy the ride.
Copy !req
419. I love that movie.
It's a great film.
Copy !req
420. Great flying.
Copy !req
421. Yeah.
Copy !req
422. I love that music.
Copy !req
423. Yeah.
Copy !req
424. Yeah, the music is great.
Copy !req
425. Not just the songs, either,
the score is good.
Copy !req
426. - The motorcycles and stuff.
- Uh-huh.
Copy !req
427. Is that Val Kilmer?
Is that Val Kilmer?
Copy !req
428. Jesus.
Copy !req
429. Fuck.
Copy !req
430. All right.
Copy !req
431. Taquito!
Copy !req
432. Get up here right now!
Copy !req
433. I've got some business
for you!
Copy !req
434. I'll need to introduce
you to Taquito.
Copy !req
435. He lives here in the mall.
Copy !req
436. He's a sick boy.
Copy !req
437. Hmm, sorry to hear that.
Copy !req
438. Come here.
Copy !req
439. He's your problem now.
Copy !req
440. Okay.
Copy !req
441. Also, you're going to have
to look out for the wolf.
Copy !req
442. Is that
a metaphorical wolf?
Copy !req
443. - Huh?
- Like an animal wolf?
Copy !req
444. - Yeah.
- You're talking about a wolf?
Copy !req
445. Oh, yeah.
He's a real wolf.
Copy !req
446. He'll bite you.
Copy !req
447. Noted. Okay.
Copy !req
448. Well, if I could
just move on?
Copy !req
449. One more thing. I hate to do this
to you, but in the commercial,
Copy !req
450. you said we were gonna
make a billion dollars.
Copy !req
451. Oh. The money's coming.
Copy !req
452. Did you wink there?
Copy !req
453. - Hmm?
- You just winked.
Copy !req
454. Look. Don't worry
about the money.
Copy !req
455. You're gonna make a billion
running this place.
Copy !req
456. Making the money.
Copy !req
457. Yeah, it happened again.
Copy !req
458. I'm sorry.
We're still seeing it.
Copy !req
459. Really?
Copy !req
460. I find that hard to believe.
Copy !req
461. I saw a wink.
That was a wink.
Copy !req
462. I don't think I winked.
Copy !req
463. Yeah. Well, we both saw it.
You winked.
Copy !req
464. I don't know if it's some kind of
reflexive thing.
Copy !req
465. No.
Copy !req
466. Would you just mind
saying "Tim and Eric,
Copy !req
467. you'll make the billion dollars,
run the mall," and there's no wink?
Copy !req
468. I hate doing this, but could you just—
you know, even with your hands...
Copy !req
469. - I'm happy to.
- ... just keep them open.
Copy !req
470. Then just say "Tim and Eric
will make a billion dollars."
Copy !req
471. No wink.
Copy !req
472. Just say the line
and keep the eyes wide open.
Copy !req
473. You're gonna do just fine
running this place.
Copy !req
474. You're gonna make a billion.
Copy !req
475. Even with them spread,
I— we see the wink.
Copy !req
476. I don't even know how
it's possible, but you're—
Copy !req
477. - you're winking through it.
- Hmm.
Copy !req
478. I think we should just
trust him on this.
Copy !req
479. - I don't know, man.
- We don't have any other options.
Copy !req
480. Wink or no wink, we have
to go with this. We're here.
Copy !req
481. Okay. All right,
well, Mr. Weebs,
Copy !req
482. we'd love to accept
the offer.
Copy !req
483. - Oh, that's wonderful news.
- We'll run your mall.
Copy !req
484. Great news.
Copy !req
485. Yes, Uncle Damian?
What is it?
Copy !req
486. Taquito!
Copy !req
487. These are Tim and Eric.
Copy !req
488. Oh, how nice.
Copy !req
489. They will be running
the mall from now on.
Copy !req
490. - You take orders from them.
- Yes, Uncle Damian.
Copy !req
491. Want to see where I live?
Copy !req
492. Want to know where to get food?
Copy !req
493. Taquito!
Copy !req
494. You do the song
like we practiced.
Copy !req
495. Yes, Uncle Damian.
Copy !req
496. Sorry, I'm real sick.
Copy !req
497. - You okay?
- I'll be all right.
Copy !req
498. It's just the shivers.
Copy !req
499. My body's hot,
but I feel cold.
Copy !req
500. Mr. Weebs?
Copy !req
501. Tonight's movie features
several important lessons.
Copy !req
502. The following segments
are meant to reinforce these themes.
Copy !req
503. You wanted to see me?
Copy !req
504. Yes.
You're fired.
Copy !req
505. Oh, no!
Copy !req
506. Why? Why?
Copy !req
507. That's it.
Let it all out.
Copy !req
508. Oh, no.
Copy !req
509. This is the best
business scenario for us.
Copy !req
510. It had to be done.
Copy !req
511. Yes, you are right.
Copy !req
512. I understand that now.
Copy !req
513. Thank you.
Good-bye.
Copy !req
514. Psst. Wait.
Copy !req
515. Come back.
Copy !req
516. This is your
severance package.
Copy !req
517. Sweet old Mrs. Wareheim.
Mrs. Heidecker.
Copy !req
518. Yes.
Copy !req
519. You must be so proud
of your boys.
Copy !req
520. Making a big
Hollywood movie.
Copy !req
521. Aren't you?
Copy !req
522. The sets,
the movie stars.
Copy !req
523. Geez Louise,
it's something, isn't it?
Copy !req
524. Well, you see,
the problem is
Copy !req
525. that they
screwed up big-time.
Copy !req
526. They screwed up, mommies.
Copy !req
527. Oh, no.
Copy !req
528. Are you scared?
Copy !req
529. - Hmm?
- Scared?
Copy !req
530. Where's your son?
Copy !req
531. I don't know.
Copy !req
532. Where are your sons?
Copy !req
533. I wish I could help you,
but I can't. Sorry.
Copy !req
534. Where are your sons?
Where are your sons?
Copy !req
535. Where is he?
Copy !req
536. Earle.
Let me try.
Copy !req
537. You've got Zaffer's Music
over there on the right.
Copy !req
538. Ahem. And that's
Dan's Tiny Baby Outlet.
Copy !req
539. He's only open
two days a week.
Copy !req
540. And this here
is Drimble's Yogurt.
Copy !req
541. Some folks
say it's haunted
Copy !req
542. by the yogurt man.
Copy !req
543. I don't know.
Copy !req
544. I wouldn't change
too much around here.
Copy !req
545. The yogurt man might
get real upset.
Copy !req
546. That's a bobo.
Copy !req
547. How are you?
Copy !req
548. Hi.
Copy !req
549. And this is Simon's.
Copy !req
550. They sell things
for mommies and daddies.
Copy !req
551. Oh, hey, Eric,
check it out. Swords.
Copy !req
552. Cool, I love swords.
Copy !req
553. Mr. Bishopman?
Copy !req
554. I have a couple of fellas
who wanted to meet you.
Copy !req
555. What's this? What do you want?
We're closing.
Copy !req
556. I'm Tim Heidecker.
Copy !req
557. I'm Eric Wareheim,
and we're from Dobis P.R.,
Copy !req
558. and we're here
to take over your mall.
Copy !req
559. That's right, Mr. Bishopman.
Copy !req
560. We are here to reimagine
what this mall can be,
Copy !req
561. and, in fact, we got some pretty big
and exciting changes in mind.
Copy !req
562. Mm-hmm.
Copy !req
563. So just hand over
your cost report,
Copy !req
564. and we'll get started on
some business plans for you.
Copy !req
565. You listen to me.
Copy !req
566. I'm Allen
fucking Bishopman,
Copy !req
567. and I've run E Z Swords
for 15 years.
Copy !req
568. And you want me to change?
Copy !req
569. Fuck you!
Copy !req
570. Sir, Dobis is here
to help, okay?
Copy !req
571. I like things this way.
Copy !req
572. I don't want things
to change!
Copy !req
573. Okay.
Copy !req
574. I sell two swords a year,
I'm good.
Copy !req
575. I sell no swords a year,
and I'm even better.
Copy !req
576. You see, S'wallow Valley
wants to keep swords off the streets,
Copy !req
577. and they pay me a monthly fee
to not sell any swords!
Copy !req
578. Okay.
I didn't know that.
Copy !req
579. Well, now you do, you shit!
Copy !req
580. Okay. Well, we didn't
know that. So...
Copy !req
581. Well, now you do,
you shit!
Copy !req
582. Well, we weren't aware.
I'm sorry.
Copy !req
583. Well, now you do,
you piece of shit.
Copy !req
584. I got a lot of stuff
going around in my head.
Copy !req
585. I've got to sort it out,
Copy !req
586. and it will help
to not have you
Copy !req
587. right in my fucking face
the whole time!
Copy !req
588. Well, we look forward to doing
business with you, sir.
Copy !req
589. Yes. All the best.
Copy !req
590. Good night.
Copy !req
591. Anyways, there's a lot
of other fun stuff
Copy !req
592. I'll show you tomorrow.
Copy !req
593. Well, here we are.
Here's my humble abode
Copy !req
594. and your temporary home
away from home.
Copy !req
595. Okay. Careful.
Copy !req
596. This is my secret tunnel.
Copy !req
597. Well, here's
the living room.
Copy !req
598. Shut the fuck up, you little cunt!
Copy !req
599. That's Roy.
Copy !req
600. Don't look him in the eye.
Copy !req
601. Hello.
Copy !req
602. - Get the fuck out of here!
- Ah!
Copy !req
603. Here we are.
Copy !req
604. This is my little palace.
Copy !req
605. This is where I sleep.
Copy !req
606. If you have to do
your business.
Copy !req
607. There's no curtain.
You just close your eyes.
Copy !req
608. If you have to do any work
Copy !req
609. or any kind
of calculations,
Copy !req
610. you can—
Copy !req
611. you can use
this machine I built.
Copy !req
612. It's called the—
Copy !req
613. it's called the taqutor.
Copy !req
614. Eric's our numbers
man here.
Copy !req
615. I'm more of a managerial
type for Dobis.
Copy !req
616. Really looking forward
to crunching some numbers
Copy !req
617. on that taqutor, Taquito.
Copy !req
618. Oh, yeah.
You must be hungry.
Copy !req
619. - We're fine.
- Here. Have a taquito.
Copy !req
620. Ooh.
No, thanks.
Copy !req
621. You've got to keep those
refrigerated, Taquito.
Copy !req
622. I know. That's why
I only eat the middle.
Copy !req
623. Taquito, don't put that
in your mouth, please.
Copy !req
624. Taquito,
is everything all right?
Copy !req
625. It's only blood.
It's just natural.
Copy !req
626. I'm not meant to live long.
Copy !req
627. Poor boy.
Copy !req
628. All right.
Well, on that note,
Copy !req
629. we should probably
hit the hay.
Copy !req
630. Okay.
Copy !req
631. - So—
- We can sleep right back there?
Copy !req
632. Yep.
Copy !req
633. - Good night.
- Sweet dreams.
Copy !req
634. Good night, Taquito.
Copy !req
635. Good night.
Copy !req
636. Yeah, awfully nice to have some company.
Copy !req
637. Thanks, Taquito.
Copy !req
638. Thank you.
Copy !req
639. Hello, people of
S'wallow Mall.
Copy !req
640. Let's give a real big
warm welcome
Copy !req
641. to our presidents
of Dobis P.R.--
Copy !req
642. Tim and Eric!
Copy !req
643. - Hey.
- Hey, everybody.
Copy !req
644. Awesome.
Copy !req
645. What is up,
party people?
Copy !req
646. Thank you.
Copy !req
647. I'm Tim Heidecker.
This is Eric Wareheim.
Copy !req
648. We are Dobis P.R.,
Copy !req
649. and we're here to tell you
about our plan
Copy !req
650. to revitalize
the S'wallow Valley Mall.
Copy !req
651. Boo!
Copy !req
652. And here's how we're
gonna do it, guys.
Copy !req
653. We're gonna use the three
keys to success.
Copy !req
654. The first key to success.
Copy !req
655. We gotta get rid
of that wolf...
Copy !req
656. That wolf.
Copy !req
657. Okay, our second
key to success
Copy !req
658. is we've got to clean
this mall up.
Copy !req
659. All right? We've got to put a fresh coat
of paint on things.
Copy !req
660. We've gotta get rid
of all you squatters.
Copy !req
661. The third key to success
Copy !req
662. is to prepare
for the grand re-opening
Copy !req
663. of the new
S'wallow Valley Mall.
Copy !req
664. We've got to get rid of
the stores that don't work
Copy !req
665. and bring in stores
that do work,
Copy !req
666. that make profits.
Copy !req
667. That's gonna do it
for us, guys.
Copy !req
668. And we're gonna be
making our billion.
Copy !req
669. You got that right.
Copy !req
670. I do want to add
a small caveat here.
Copy !req
671. We have absolutely
no experience doing this kind of stuff.
Copy !req
672. Absolutely not, guys.
We are Hollywood actors.
Copy !req
673. Okay?
That's our specialty.
Copy !req
674. Re-opening a shit-hole mall?
It's not what we do.
Copy !req
675. Yeah. We just want
to go on record here
Copy !req
676. so nobody can come back
and this can't bite us in the ass
Copy !req
677. that we didn't know what we
were doing here, okay?
Copy !req
678. When I look in your face,
sir, I say to myself,
Copy !req
679. I wish I stayed in Hollywood
Copy !req
680. and just stayed
a superstar actor.
Copy !req
681. What the fuck
am I doing down here
Copy !req
682. doing business
in this shit-hole mall?
Copy !req
683. - But that's Dobis.
- That's the pride of Dobis.
Copy !req
684. Get used to it 'cause this place
is gonna change.
Copy !req
685. Oh, yeah!
Copy !req
686. Come on, everybody!
Say Dobis!
Copy !req
687. - Dobis!
- Dobis!
Copy !req
688. Talk about it, Mama:
Dobis in the house.
Copy !req
689. - Dobis!
- Dobis!
Copy !req
690. Dobis!
Copy !req
691. Got you just
where I want you.
Copy !req
692. There you are.
Copy !req
693. Oh, you guys
are going down.
Copy !req
694. Excuse me. I was wondering
about this sword.
Copy !req
695. Hang on. Can't you see
I'm on the fucking phone?
Copy !req
696. Operator.
Copy !req
697. Yes.
Hello, operator.
Copy !req
698. I need the number for
the Schlaaang Corporation.
Copy !req
699. I have some information
they're gonna want to hear.
Copy !req
700. Let me give you their
customer service—
Copy !req
701. No, I don't want customer
service, you stupid bitch.
Copy !req
702. I want you to put me through
to headquarters, goddamn it.
Copy !req
703. H-hello?
Copy !req
704. Oh, she hung up. Great.
She hung up.
Copy !req
705. What the hell do you want?
Copy !req
706. Oh, you're just holding
a knife out like I know—
Copy !req
707. Oh, I know
what to do with that.
Copy !req
708. I just want to see how
much this sword was.
Copy !req
709. Get the hell out
of my store.
Copy !req
710. Official Dobis reps here,
Copy !req
711. stopping in
for a meet-and-greet.
Copy !req
712. Hi, welcome to Reggie's.
What can I get for you?
Copy !req
713. We've got a sale
on slightly soiled.
Copy !req
714. No, no, no.
We're not customers.
Copy !req
715. I don't know if you saw our presentation
we did the other day,
Copy !req
716. but we're running things
here at the mall now.
Copy !req
717. What exactly do you
sell here, Reggie?
Copy !req
718. Oh, used toilet paper,
of course.
Copy !req
719. There's a lot of demand
for that here, then, Reg?
Copy !req
720. It's more of
a gourmet operation.
Copy !req
721. Okay.
Write down gourm—
Copy !req
722. I got it. G-I—
Copy !req
723. No,
G-O-R-M-A-Y.
Copy !req
724. G-O-R...
Copy !req
725. - M-A-Y.
- M-A-Y.
Copy !req
726. Yep. Uh, every night, we go
out to the usual spots—
Copy !req
727. you know, abandoned
port-a-potties, sewage mains,
Copy !req
728. those kind of places—
and we do our collecting.
Copy !req
729. And then we take
the messy slop back here,
Copy !req
730. and we spool it all
onto new rolls.
Copy !req
731. What's that? Shit?
Copy !req
732. It's a shit smell.
Is that you?
Copy !req
733. It smells like po-po.
Copy !req
734. My father taught me this
profession years ago.
Copy !req
735. And now I'm teaching
it to my son.
Copy !req
736. - Good.
- Speak of the devil.
Copy !req
737. Come on.
Copy !req
738. This is Jeffrey.
Copy !req
739. - Say hello.
- Hi.
Copy !req
740. Hello.
Copy !req
741. Where have you been
hiding this boy?
Copy !req
742. - That's not a bad boy.
- Come here.
Copy !req
743. Let me feast my eyes
on that boy.
Copy !req
744. Come here. Yeah.
Copy !req
745. Take a look at you.
Copy !req
746. Hey.
Copy !req
747. Look at the size of him.
Copy !req
748. Look at this.
Copy !req
749. Hmm.
Copy !req
750. Let me see your mouth.
Copy !req
751. Nice. Nice teeth.
Copy !req
752. You want to sit
on Uncle Tim's lap?
Copy !req
753. Get on my knee.
Copy !req
754. I like your son a lot.
Copy !req
755. All right,
all right, Tim.
Copy !req
756. Listen, Reggie, after
a few calculations here,
Copy !req
757. it looks like your store isn't quite fit
for the new Dobis brand.
Copy !req
758. Sorry, Reg. We're gonna
have to shut this boy down.
Copy !req
759. It's been in
the family for years.
Copy !req
760. The new S'wallow Valley Mall
is about fresh, clean, safe—
Copy !req
761. You know what, Tim?
Copy !req
762. There's an opening
for head of janitorial,
Copy !req
763. and I don't know
Reggie's qualifications,
Copy !req
764. but I feel like we could
give him a shot.
Copy !req
765. What do you think?
Copy !req
766. Uh, well...
Copy !req
767. You do the dust.
You do the shine.
Copy !req
768. We make a mess,
you clean it up.
Copy !req
769. - That's the job.
- Okay.
Copy !req
770. Great. Well, Reg,
Copy !req
771. it sounds like you're gonna be pretty
busy over the next few weeks.
Copy !req
772. Jeffrey, how about you
tag along with us?
Copy !req
773. And I can teach you
a little bit about
Copy !req
774. what it's like to be
a businessman around here,
Copy !req
775. what it's like
to be a real man.
Copy !req
776. What it's like to be a real
successful businessman.
Copy !req
777. Huh? Sound good?
Copy !req
778. - Yes, sir.
- Don't call me sir.
Copy !req
779. Why don't you call me Daddy?
Say "Yes, Daddy."
Copy !req
780. Yes, Daddy.
Copy !req
781. Does that sound good
to you, Uncle Reg?
Copy !req
782. Yeah. Okay.
Copy !req
783. Are you gonna be my son?
That's what I thought.
Copy !req
784. Attention, squatters.
Copy !req
785. This is your final warning.
Copy !req
786. Please vacate the mall
immediately.
Copy !req
787. This is a direct order
from Dobis P.R.
Copy !req
788. Get out of here.
Copy !req
789. Swing, swing, swing.
Swing, swing.
Copy !req
790. Oh, shit.
Copy !req
791. You got, like,
a foot back here
Copy !req
792. if you swing it
hard enough.
Copy !req
793. I got it.
I got it.
Copy !req
794. Back it up.
Copy !req
795. Get out and push.
Get out and push.
Copy !req
796. Hey! I'm trying
to work in here.
Copy !req
797. All right. Shrim Alternative
Healing Center.
Copy !req
798. It looks like they have
a video here, guys.
Copy !req
799. You want to watch a movie, son?
Copy !req
800. Good day.
Copy !req
801. I'm Dr. Doone Strutts.
Copy !req
802. And I want to thank you
for choosing
Copy !req
803. the Shrim Alternative
Healing Center.
Copy !req
804. Shrim.
Copy !req
805. Shrim can
help you achieve
Copy !req
806. premium body health.
Copy !req
807. Shrim.
Copy !req
808. Ooh.
Copy !req
809. You must locate
your inner shrim.
Copy !req
810. Shrim begin.
Copy !req
811. I will help you
find your shrim,
Copy !req
812. along with my sons.
Copy !req
813. - Shrim!
- Shrim!
Copy !req
814. Shrim.
Copy !req
815. Shrim!
Copy !req
816. Shrim!
Copy !req
817. I'd really like to get
my shrim tested,
Copy !req
818. meet Dr. Doone.
Copy !req
819. Shrim.
Sounds like shrimp.
Copy !req
820. Shrimp sounds like Shemp.
Copy !req
821. Shrim. We should get
some shrimp for dinner.
Copy !req
822. What?
Copy !req
823. Shrim! Shrim! Shrim!
Copy !req
824. Shrim!
Copy !req
825. All right, Katie's
Celebrity Balloons is our last stop.
Copy !req
826. Looks like no one's home.
We can turn around.
Copy !req
827. - No.
- Let's go back.
Copy !req
828. Just play it cool.
Play it just like yourself.
Copy !req
829. Just be natural.
Don't forget we're here for business.
Copy !req
830. Let's do it.
Copy !req
831. Jeffrey, stick with me.
Play with the balloons.
Copy !req
832. Hello. Hi.
Tim and Eric here.
Copy !req
833. - Oh, hi there.
- Hi, I'm Tim Heideck—
Copy !req
834. Hey,
I'm Eric Wareheim.
Copy !req
835. Businessmen here.
I'm so nervous.
Copy !req
836. So, um, love you.
Copy !req
837. - No.
- No?
Copy !req
838. Just be yourself.
Copy !req
839. Hi. Eric Wareheim.
I love you.
Copy !req
840. - Mm. Start again. Pardon us.
- One, two, three.
Copy !req
841. Hi, I'm Eric Wareheim.
Very in love with you—
Copy !req
842. - Okay.
- This is business.
Copy !req
843. I'm trying to just say
the business thing.
Copy !req
844. We won't be able
to use any of that.
Copy !req
845. - Cut the love?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
846. Hi, I'm Eric Wareheim.
We're here from Dobis.
Copy !req
847. We're evaluating
your balloon stand.
Copy !req
848. And I love you so much.
Copy !req
849. All right.
Why don't you take two?
Copy !req
850. Tsst. Tsst.
Copy !req
851. Take five. I'll get this.
Hi. We're Dobis.
Copy !req
852. We're just walking around,
trying to get a lay of the land,
Copy !req
853. figuring out what you guys
need, how we can make this mall better.
Copy !req
854. Oh. I was in
the audience.
Copy !req
855. I saw your presentation.
You were wonderful.
Copy !req
856. Thank you for coming
all this way to help us.
Copy !req
857. These are super cool.
How do you even make them?
Copy !req
858. Oh, thank you.
Copy !req
859. Eric. Eric.
Copy !req
860. Uh, so, Katie, I would love to schedule
an official Dobis dinner
Copy !req
861. to discuss
your business model
Copy !req
862. for your
balloon store here.
Copy !req
863. With both of you?
That would be great.
Copy !req
864. Um, or just me.
Copy !req
865. Um, Tim will probably
be busy with his son,
Copy !req
866. so you and I can just kind
of go over all the details.
Copy !req
867. Friday's no good.
Jeff's got a lot of homework.
Copy !req
868. We're gonna
concentrate on that.
Copy !req
869. Oh. Okay, fine.
Copy !req
870. Oh, yeah.
Copy !req
871. Hey, Eric.
Copy !req
872. Jeffrey!
Copy !req
873. Jeff?
Copy !req
874. I miss you, son.
Copy !req
875. What are you working on
over there, bud?
Copy !req
876. I'm just crunching some numbers
with the taqutor here,
Copy !req
877. and we got a problem.
Copy !req
878. What are you
talking about?
Copy !req
879. Come take a look at this.
Copy !req
880. Taqutor,
Copy !req
881. Ioad up the Dobis
presentation, please.
Copy !req
882. See what I'm saying?
It doesn't add up.
Copy !req
883. Eric, it's probably just
a bug in the mainframe.
Copy !req
884. I'll have Jeffrey
run a diagnostic.
Copy !req
885. We'll get it sorted out.
It's nothing to worry about.
Copy !req
886. No. There's nothing wrong
with the taqutor, man.
Copy !req
887. The numbers are right here.
There's no way we're making that bil.
Copy !req
888. What are you saying?
That Weebs lied to us?
Copy !req
889. You know how stupid
that sounds?
Copy !req
890. You know
what your problem is?
Copy !req
891. Your head's in the clouds
thinking about Katie all the time.
Copy !req
892. Let me ask you something.
Copy !req
893. How many times did you
masturbate to her today?
Copy !req
894. Like five or six.
Copy !req
895. Five or six times,
Copy !req
896. when you should have been
focused on the prize.
Copy !req
897. You should be
focused on this:
Copy !req
898. opening up the S'wallow
Valley Mall,
Copy !req
899. making the "mooney," okay?
Not some dumb slut.
Copy !req
900. Hey!
Copy !req
901. Say what you want about my
calculations in the taqutor,
Copy !req
902. but leave Katie
out of this.
Copy !req
903. May I have a bite
of your apple?
Copy !req
904. I wish I had
a bigger bite.
Copy !req
905. That bite was all mine
because I worked hard for it.
Copy !req
906. Yep. I didn't
deserve that bite.
Copy !req
907. I should have
worked harder.
Copy !req
908. Oh, ladies, ladies, ladies.
Copy !req
909. I'm a successful
businessman, ladies.
Copy !req
910. I built the Schlaaang empire
from the ground up.
Copy !req
911. And if you think two idiots
can make a fool of me,
Copy !req
912. then you've got a lot
to learn about business
Copy !req
913. and the Schlaaang way.
Copy !req
914. Yes.
Copy !req
915. I've had you here for days,
Copy !req
916. and you've given me nothing.
Copy !req
917. Cornell, could you untie
Mrs. Wareheim, please?
Copy !req
918. Yes.
Copy !req
919. You see this?
Copy !req
920. It's a letter opener.
Copy !req
921. It was my grandpop's.
Copy !req
922. Beautiful.
Copy !req
923. He must have used it to open up
thousands of letters over the years,
Copy !req
924. but it also settled
more than a few arguments.
Copy !req
925. Do you want
to lose a finger, too?
Copy !req
926. Where are your sons?
Copy !req
927. I wish I could tell you
what you need to know
Copy !req
928. if it would get your
billion dollars back to you.
Copy !req
929. But I just don't think I know
where they did get to.
Copy !req
930. Motherfucking Tim and Eric,
where did you go?
Copy !req
931. - Ahem. Excuse me.
- What?
Copy !req
932. Sorry to interrupt, but do you want to
get back to Dobis?
Copy !req
933. Or do you want
to continue singing?
Copy !req
934. Yeah. It's fine.
Just got lost in my music.
Copy !req
935. Well, we've got
Drimble's Yogurt here.
Copy !req
936. Uh, looks like the power's
been off for years,
Copy !req
937. so we got a lot of spoiled
yogurt we gotta deal with.
Copy !req
938. And, as you recall, Taquito
gave us a little intel
Copy !req
939. about a so-called yogurt man
that's haunting the premises.
Copy !req
940. So Dobo better investigo.
Copy !req
941. Well, if there is a yogurt man
in there, Eric,
Copy !req
942. then today he's getting
his eviction notice.
Copy !req
943. Oh, God.
Copy !req
944. The smell.
Copy !req
945. Yogurt man, are you in here?
Copy !req
946. Hello?
Copy !req
947. Yogurt man?
Ohh!
Copy !req
948. Yogurt man, stand down!
Copy !req
949. The mall's haunted!
Copy !req
950. Wait.
Copy !req
951. Taquito?
Copy !req
952. - Taquito.
- I'm sorry, guys.
Copy !req
953. I just don't want
anything to change.
Copy !req
954. Taquito,
change is important.
Copy !req
955. But that doesn't mean we're gonna
forget about our old friends.
Copy !req
956. - I don't know.
- Hold on a second, Taquito.
Copy !req
957. Taquito, we just had
a Dobis meeting,
Copy !req
958. and we've decided to let you
run the mall fountain.
Copy !req
959. Really?
Copy !req
960. Not only do you have to get it working,
but you have to maintain it
Copy !req
961. and keep track of
all the loose change.
Copy !req
962. So I think Taquito's gonna be
with us for quite some time.
Copy !req
963. Thanks, guys.
Copy !req
964. I'll do the best I can.
Copy !req
965. I hope I don't kick
the bucket before I finish.
Copy !req
966. Shut the fuck up,
you fucking cunt motherfuckers!
Copy !req
967. I'll kill you,
you goddamn...
Copy !req
968. - Tim, how do I look?
- Take a peek.
Copy !req
969. Well, well, well.
Copy !req
970. - Sharp as a tack.
- I'm feeling pretty good.
Copy !req
971. Big date tonight, huh?
Copy !req
972. Yeah. I'm taking Katie
to Inbreadables.
Copy !req
973. That'll be nice.
Copy !req
974. - I'm trying to impress her.
- Oh. Almost forgot.
Copy !req
975. I got you a little
something here.
Copy !req
976. - It's called a Spanish fly.
- What is it?
Copy !req
977. Let's just say
it'll enhance
Copy !req
978. your lovemaking
experience tonight.
Copy !req
979. I put this right in my ass?
Copy !req
980. Mm, no. You put it orally.
Yeah, right in your mouth.
Copy !req
981. Did you swallow it?
Copy !req
982. Come on, swallow it.
Copy !req
983. - Perfect.
- Didn't go in.
Copy !req
984. Come on.
Swallow it.
Copy !req
985. Mmm.
Copy !req
986. Well, you better
hit the road, then.
Copy !req
987. Okay.
Wish me luck, bud.
Copy !req
988. I guess I'll just stay here
and work on Dobis.
Copy !req
989. Keep my eye on the prize.
Copy !req
990. Good luck with the pills.
Good luck.
Copy !req
991. Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
Copy !req
992. This is James Quall
here to talk about bread,
Copy !req
993. and one thing
I'd have to say
Copy !req
994. is that I'd rather be
saying all these bread lines
Copy !req
995. than standing in one.
Copy !req
996. Ah, yes. One thing
that might be a hazard
Copy !req
997. about talking about bread
Copy !req
998. is they might accuse one
of being a loafer.
Copy !req
999. Now I've just
come from Hollywood,
Copy !req
1000. where they have all these
famous personalities
Copy !req
1001. like Bread Pitt
and Robert Breadford.
Copy !req
1002. And now...
Copy !req
1003. I'll be "baguette"
Copy !req
1004. in 20 minutes.
Copy !req
1005. Thank you,
ladies and gentlemen.
Copy !req
1006. I love this place.
Copy !req
1007. I know what you mean.
Copy !req
1008. - You want some of this bread slop?
- I'd love some.
Copy !req
1009. Mmm.
Copy !req
1010. This is so good.
Copy !req
1011. This is a funky place.
Copy !req
1012. So you were telling me
about your mom.
Copy !req
1013. Oh. Well, my mother calls
every Saturday night, right?
Copy !req
1014. It's like she's just calling
to see if I have a date.
Copy !req
1015. - So she doesn't just call—
- Ohh!
Copy !req
1016. Are you okay, honey?
Copy !req
1017. Is it getting hot in here?
Copy !req
1018. I don't think so.
Copy !req
1019. I'm just feeling
really weird.
Copy !req
1020. Are you okay, honey?
Copy !req
1021. There's so much
fucking bread here.
Copy !req
1022. Fuck. Fuck.
Ohh!
Copy !req
1023. Isn't it hot
in here, Katie?
Copy !req
1024. Little something
called Spanish fly.
Copy !req
1025. Eric, are you okay?
Copy !req
1026. I have way too many
teeth in my mouth!
Copy !req
1027. You might need some help.
Copy !req
1028. - Hi, how are you?
- No!
Copy !req
1029. What?
Copy !req
1030. Sorry, Eric, there's nothing
I can do for you now.
Copy !req
1031. What the fuck is that?
Copy !req
1032. I'm gonna take you
to the Shrim Healing Center.
Copy !req
1033. Come on.
You'll feel much better.
Copy !req
1034. Excuse me.
I'm so sorry, everyone.
Copy !req
1035. Shrim!
Copy !req
1036. Come on in, my son.
Copy !req
1037. Dr. Doone has you now,
Copy !req
1038. and he's going to make you
feel all better.
Copy !req
1039. - Where am I?
- Shh.
Copy !req
1040. Quiet, my boy.
Copy !req
1041. You need the healing
powers of shrim.
Copy !req
1042. I can sense that.
Copy !req
1043. Okay.
Copy !req
1044. You're in a very bad place.
Copy !req
1045. Now drop those pants.
Copy !req
1046. Shrim!
Copy !req
1047. How was your date?
Copy !req
1048. Not so good.
Copy !req
1049. Eric got sick.
Copy !req
1050. Aw. That's too bad.
Copy !req
1051. It must be
really unsatisfying.
Copy !req
1052. Yeah. It was.
Copy !req
1053. It's a little awkward,
isn't it?
Copy !req
1054. - Yeah. I suppose.
- I'm so nervous.
Copy !req
1055. Listen.
Copy !req
1056. Want to go inside?
Copy !req
1057. Okay.
Copy !req
1058. Are you sure?
Copy !req
1059. No.
Copy !req
1060. Okay. Let's go.
Come on.
Copy !req
1061. Step into
the tub, my son.
Copy !req
1062. That's it.
That's it.
Copy !req
1063. Everything's going to be
okay, Eric, my boy.
Copy !req
1064. Dr. Doone has got you,
Copy !req
1065. and he's going to give you
a nice warm shrim bath.
Copy !req
1066. - What?
- All my boys have been
Copy !req
1067. hiding the shrim
inside them for days now,
Copy !req
1068. and they're excited
to finally let it out all over you.
Copy !req
1069. - What boys?
- Come, my sons.
Copy !req
1070. It's time.
Copy !req
1071. Oh, look at them.
They can barely hold it in.
Copy !req
1072. Shrim.
Copy !req
1073. Shrim.
Copy !req
1074. Shrim. Shrim.
Copy !req
1075. Yeah.
Copy !req
1076. Shrim.
Copy !req
1077. Shrim.
Copy !req
1078. Shrim.
Copy !req
1079. Shrim.
Copy !req
1080. - Ohh!
- Shrim.
Copy !req
1081. Shrim.
Copy !req
1082. My boys only eat
the finest, softest meat
Copy !req
1083. so that they can
achieve a level of shrim
Copy !req
1084. that's unmatched.
Copy !req
1085. Shrim. Shrim.
Copy !req
1086. Oh!
Copy !req
1087. Let the brown,
Copy !req
1088. foamy mess
wash all over you.
Copy !req
1089. Oh, that's a beautiful thing.
Copy !req
1090. Shrim, shrim.
Copy !req
1091. This is the power of shrim!
Copy !req
1092. Jeffrey?
Copy !req
1093. Is that you, boy?
Copy !req
1094. What are you doing,
Jeffrey?
Copy !req
1095. Where's Papa Tim?
Copy !req
1096. Is he inside?
Copy !req
1097. Where are you going?
Copy !req
1098. Hello?
Copy !req
1099. What the fuck.
Copy !req
1100. - Shit.
- What's going on?
Copy !req
1101. Eric, don't do anything
stupid here, buddy.
Copy !req
1102. I should go.
Copy !req
1103. Katie. How could
you do this to me?
Copy !req
1104. - Eric, I'm so sorry.
- Hey, stop.
Copy !req
1105. You listen to me.
I saved you from her.
Copy !req
1106. She was nothing but dead weight, Eric.
She was making you soft.
Copy !req
1107. - She was not making me soft.
- She was making you soft.
Copy !req
1108. She wasn't making me soft.
Copy !req
1109. She was making you soft!
Copy !req
1110. She was making me hard.
Copy !req
1111. Rock hard.
Copy !req
1112. Sometimes,
when you're writing,
Copy !req
1113. you just look for opportunities
to create moments
Copy !req
1114. that take you
out of the scene
Copy !req
1115. and just add—
add a joke.
Copy !req
1116. The jag was that we were
doing "soft, soft, soft"
Copy !req
1117. and sort of out of
nowhere we go "hard."
Copy !req
1118. Boom! Laugh.
Copy !req
1119. We fought
for a laugh track,
Copy !req
1120. and they said, "No,
this is a feature film for the theaters.
Copy !req
1121. A laugh track wouldn't
make any sense."
Copy !req
1122. Think about it.
Copy !req
1123. Eric, she was
making you soft.
Copy !req
1124. She's taken your eyes off the game,
Eric, okay? We're here for Dobis.
Copy !req
1125. What did you give me?
That wasn't Spanish fly.
Copy !req
1126. I played the oldest trick
in the book.
Copy !req
1127. But I had to play it 'cause
I needed to save my friend.
Copy !req
1128. You poisoned me.
Copy !req
1129. - What else could I do?
- You son of a bitch.
Copy !req
1130. Motherfucker!
Copy !req
1131. How could you do that?
Copy !req
1132. No! No!
Copy !req
1133. Guys!
Copy !req
1134. - Jim Joe?
- Why are you fighting? Stop fighting.
Copy !req
1135. Don't you remember
my poem about peace?
Copy !req
1136. If you don't remember,
I'll recite it for you.
Copy !req
1137. - Jim Joe!
- P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-peace.
Copy !req
1138. P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-peace.
Copy !req
1139. Come on.
Yeah, yeah.
Copy !req
1140. Aah!
Copy !req
1141. Like that?
Copy !req
1142. Ohh!
Copy !req
1143. You want some of this?
Copy !req
1144. Oh!
Copy !req
1145. Aah!
Copy !req
1146. Why are you fighting?
Copy !req
1147. Motherfucker!
Copy !req
1148. No! No!
Aah! Ohh!
Copy !req
1149. Say you're sorry!
Copy !req
1150. - I'm sorry!
- Say you're sorry!
Copy !req
1151. I'm sorry!
I'm sorry I poisoned you.
Copy !req
1152. - Okay. It's okay.
- I'm sorry for everything!
Copy !req
1153. I'm sorry I poisoned you.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Copy !req
1154. No, no, no, no.
Listen, I'm sorry, man.
Copy !req
1155. I'm sorry.
You were looking out for me.
Copy !req
1156. You were looking out for us
and the whole Dobis thing.
Copy !req
1157. I know that now.
Copy !req
1158. I'm glad you finally
see it that way
Copy !req
1159. 'cause I'm just
trying to help.
Copy !req
1160. Yeah. I just have to
ask you one question.
Copy !req
1161. Why'd you have to sleep with Katie?
You know I love her.
Copy !req
1162. Well, to be honest with you,
the plan made me horny.
Copy !req
1163. I had to empty my ball sack
into something.
Copy !req
1164. That moist hole
must have felt so good.
Copy !req
1165. Boy, you really do
love her, don't you?
Copy !req
1166. I really do.
Copy !req
1167. It's not gonna bother you
when you're making love to her
Copy !req
1168. that my wick got
inside that hole?
Copy !req
1169. Not at all, man.
Copy !req
1170. There's something
special about it,
Copy !req
1171. you being deep inside
like that.
Copy !req
1172. Well, then, it will be an honor
to be your best man.
Copy !req
1173. Come on down
to the grand re-opening
Copy !req
1174. of the S'wallow Valley Mall.
Copy !req
1175. I'll be there. My best friend
Tim Heidecker will be there.
Copy !req
1176. I think you're gonna
like what you see.
Copy !req
1177. Ooh, you're gonna like
the fake trees.
Copy !req
1178. Ooh, you're gonna like
all our new stores.
Copy !req
1179. Ooh, you're gonna like
meeting my new son Jeffrey.
Copy !req
1180. My best friend Tim and I redid this
whole mall for you.
Copy !req
1181. You got to come down.
Copy !req
1182. It isn't gonna kill you.
Come on down.
Copy !req
1183. - It's for Dobis' sake!
- I'm gonna murder myself
Copy !req
1184. if you don't come down
to my new fucking mall.
Copy !req
1185. Come on down to the grand re-opening
of the S'wallow Valley Mall.
Copy !req
1186. My dad told me this is
the coolest mall ever.
Copy !req
1187. You think you know more than my dad?
Don't fucking come, then.
Copy !req
1188. It's the grand re-opening
of the S'wallow Valley Mall.
Copy !req
1189. It's just off Route 35
right here in historic S'wallow Valley.
Copy !req
1190. Where did you get that?
Copy !req
1191. This guy named Bishopman.
He sends this to me.
Copy !req
1192. He's been filling up
my voice-mail box for weeks
Copy !req
1193. with crazy rants
about these guys.
Copy !req
1194. But look at this.
Copy !req
1195. We got them, Tommy.
We got them.
Copy !req
1196. Earle, gather the men.
Copy !req
1197. We found your boys.
We're gonna go get them.
Copy !req
1198. All right.
Copy !req
1199. Listen, guys,
on behalf of Dobis,
Copy !req
1200. I want to say thank you
for all your hard work
Copy !req
1201. in getting this mall
back in shape.
Copy !req
1202. And I gotta say
something personally.
Copy !req
1203. We're all
very proud of you.
Copy !req
1204. Guys, tomorrow
is our big day,
Copy !req
1205. and Dobis couldn't be
more jazzed about it.
Copy !req
1206. But right now I want
to have a little fun,
Copy !req
1207. with the permission
of my best friend Tim.
Copy !req
1208. Muyo permissiono granted.
Copy !req
1209. Taquito,
would you do the honors?
Copy !req
1210. Here goes nothing.
Copy !req
1211. On three, everybody.
Copy !req
1212. One, two, three!
Copy !req
1213. Taquito.
Copy !req
1214. It's wonderful.
Copy !req
1215. It's gorgeous, Taquito.
Copy !req
1216. I worked really hard on it.
Copy !req
1217. - We should make a wish.
- I love it.
Copy !req
1218. Oh, Dobis, I wish
for this grand re-opening
Copy !req
1219. to be the greatest grand
re-opening of all time.
Copy !req
1220. I wish that Tim Heidecker
remains my best friend
Copy !req
1221. - and I get to marry Katie soon.
- Hmm.
Copy !req
1222. I forgot about that wolf.
Copy !req
1223. I know what to do.
Copy !req
1224. I will need some duct tape
and some pizza.
Copy !req
1225. Eric, I don't feel
good about this.
Copy !req
1226. Taquito, be careful.
Copy !req
1227. Mama Wolf!
Copy !req
1228. Taquito.
Copy !req
1229. I have some nice pizza
for you.
Copy !req
1230. Remember when
we had pizza?
Copy !req
1231. Hi, Mama Wolf.
Remember your baby boy?
Copy !req
1232. I have to ask you
a little favor.
Copy !req
1233. It's time to go
back to the—
Copy !req
1234. Taquito!
Copy !req
1235. He's gone.
Copy !req
1236. Must have snapped that
neck on the way down.
Copy !req
1237. - He saved the mall.
- Tell you what, Taquito.
Copy !req
1238. We're going to change
the name of the pizza court
Copy !req
1239. to the Taquito court,
do you hear me?
Copy !req
1240. Goodbye, boy.
Copy !req
1241. I miss the shit
out of him already.
Copy !req
1242. - Taquito!
- Mr. Weebs?
Copy !req
1243. What are you doing here?
Copy !req
1244. I could sense my boy
Taquito was in trouble.
Copy !req
1245. It's too late.
He's already dead.
Copy !req
1246. He sacrificed his body
for the mall.
Copy !req
1247. He's gone.
Copy !req
1248. Taquito.
Copy !req
1249. He's alive.
Copy !req
1250. Uh, am I in heaven?
Copy !req
1251. Taquito, you killed the wolf,
and you saved the mall.
Copy !req
1252. You did just what you
said you'd do.
Copy !req
1253. Uh, I did it.
Copy !req
1254. I killed the wolf.
Copy !req
1255. You did, my little boy.
Copy !req
1256. I'm so proud of you.
Copy !req
1257. I'm not gonna last long.
Copy !req
1258. I'm in a lot of pain.
Copy !req
1259. Oh, Taquito.
Copy !req
1260. Would you like Uncle Damian
to put some lead in you, son?
Copy !req
1261. It's so cold down here.
Copy !req
1262. Put me to sleep forever.
Copy !req
1263. Oh, Taquito.
Copy !req
1264. I can't watch him die twice.
I can't do it. Sorry.
Copy !req
1265. Taquito!
Copy !req
1266. I'm still here.
Copy !req
1267. Better try again.
Copy !req
1268. Okay.
Copy !req
1269. Taquito!
Copy !req
1270. Now I can't feel my legs.
Copy !req
1271. It won't be long now.
Copy !req
1272. I can't take this.
Finish him off.
Copy !req
1273. Damn it, Weebs,
shoot him in the face.
Copy !req
1274. No.
Copy !req
1275. I want my Taquito to have
an open casket funeral.
Copy !req
1276. Ow. Ohh!
Copy !req
1277. Come on, Taquito.
Copy !req
1278. Just die, Taquito.
Come on.
Copy !req
1279. Any minute now.
Copy !req
1280. Maybe I won't be sick
in heaven.
Copy !req
1281. He's dead.
Is he dead?
Copy !req
1282. - Yeah.
- Good.
Copy !req
1283. - Bye-bye.
- Bye, Taquito. Thank you.
Copy !req
1284. That's it, then.
Copy !req
1285. A little to the left.
Copy !req
1286. Back a little bit.
That looks pretty good.
Copy !req
1287. - It's great.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1288. You know what, Eric?
There's something I need to tell you.
Copy !req
1289. I think you may
have been right.
Copy !req
1290. I did some numbers
crunching of my own,
Copy !req
1291. and there's no way
we're going to make
Copy !req
1292. a billion dollars
running this mall.
Copy !req
1293. I know. But you know what?
That doesn't matter anymore.
Copy !req
1294. It's not about the money.
It's about you and me.
Copy !req
1295. It's about your new son.
It's about Katie.
Copy !req
1296. It's about the mall. I mean, we've
really made a difference here.
Copy !req
1297. You know what? They probably forgot
about that billion dollars anyway.
Copy !req
1298. It's just a billion dollars.
Hee!
Copy !req
1299. I love this fucking mall!
Come on.
Copy !req
1300. - To Dobis.
- Hey, big news.
Copy !req
1301. You have just been made
Dobis' employee of the month.
Copy !req
1302. I want to live in this
fucking mall forever.
Copy !req
1303. Yeah.
Copy !req
1304. Forever?
Copy !req
1305. Do you forgive me
for sleeping with Tim?
Copy !req
1306. I do.
Copy !req
1307. There he is.
Copy !req
1308. Ohh!
Copy !req
1309. I hope
you never leave.
Copy !req
1310. I guess we're gonna
be here forever.
Copy !req
1311. Look, Dad,
our first customers.
Copy !req
1312. I don't think those
are customers, son.
Copy !req
1313. Let me take a look.
Copy !req
1314. Shit. Schlaaang.
Copy !req
1315. They found us.
Copy !req
1316. All right, everybody inside.
Come on.
Copy !req
1317. What's going on?
Copy !req
1318. Listen up, Tim and Eric!
Copy !req
1319. We have you surrounded!
Copy !req
1320. And if you don't come out
in 10 seconds,
Copy !req
1321. I'm gonna come in there
and blow you to fucking hell!
Copy !req
1322. Finally.
Good luck, assholes.
Copy !req
1323. Ha ha ha! Hey, guys,
it's me— Allen.
Copy !req
1324. I was the one who sent you the tape
telling you where to find Tim and Eric.
Copy !req
1325. Shit!
Copy !req
1326. - Eric, look out!
- Oh, God!
Copy !req
1327. Okay, okay, listen, maybe—
maybe I overreacted.
Copy !req
1328. You think there's
some common ground here—
Copy !req
1329. I like you-you like me
kind of thing?
Copy !req
1330. Tim, we need
a Dobis-sized idea stat!
Copy !req
1331. Okay, hold on now.
Hold on. Let me think.
Copy !req
1332. - Come on! Think!
- Come on, Tim.
Copy !req
1333. - What's going on?
- Ah, I got it.
Copy !req
1334. Reggie, hey,
come on in.
Copy !req
1335. Come here,
come here, come here.
Copy !req
1336. - How's everything?
- Good.
Copy !req
1337. Family good?
Copy !req
1338. - Yes.
- Okay.
Copy !req
1339. So, listen, we got
a little thing out here.
Copy !req
1340. It's not really a big deal. But if you'd
go out there and talk to them,
Copy !req
1341. maybe knock some sense
into them, Reg.
Copy !req
1342. - Nice.
- You're a reasonable man.
Copy !req
1343. They're reasonable men.
You could go out there
Copy !req
1344. and tell them
to put their guns down.
Copy !req
1345. Would you do
that for us, Reg?
Copy !req
1346. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
do it, do it.
Copy !req
1347. Dobis needs you,
Reg. Please.
Copy !req
1348. You'd be hitting it
out of the park for us
Copy !req
1349. if you did it, Reg.
Copy !req
1350. - I can do that.
- Will you do it? Oh, good. Thanks, Reg.
Copy !req
1351. Why don't you go ahead
and do that now, then?
Copy !req
1352. Dobis thanks you, Reg.
Copy !req
1353. Hi.
Copy !req
1354. My name is Reggie.
Copy !req
1355. I think we should all
take a moment here
Copy !req
1356. and reassess the situation
Copy !req
1357. because there are a lot
of good people in there
Copy !req
1358. and I would hate
to see any of them hurt.
Copy !req
1359. Fire!
Copy !req
1360. No.
Copy !req
1361. How do you like that,
Tim and Eric?
Copy !req
1362. Huh? Ha! Ha!
Copy !req
1363. Aah!
Copy !req
1364. That didn't work.
Sorry.
Copy !req
1365. We're doomed.
Copy !req
1366. What is that smell?
Copy !req
1367. I pooped my pants.
Copy !req
1368. Oh, Allen,
that's disgusting.
Copy !req
1369. Look, I'm sorry that
I tattled on you two.
Copy !req
1370. I shouldn't have called.
Copy !req
1371. I just thought they were going to give
you a slap on the wrist.
Copy !req
1372. Smell's getting in my eyes.
Copy !req
1373. Wait a second.
I have an idea.
Copy !req
1374. Allen, you go
back to your store
Copy !req
1375. and bring as many swords
as you can carry.
Copy !req
1376. Okay.
Copy !req
1377. You're all gonna
die in there!
Copy !req
1378. Here you go, guys.
As many as I could muster.
Copy !req
1379. Thanks so much, Allen.
These are great.
Copy !req
1380. Oh, you're welcome.
You're welcome.
Copy !req
1381. Anything for you.
I am a team player.
Copy !req
1382. - Oh. This one's nice.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
Copy !req
1383. That's one
of my favorite ones.
Copy !req
1384. I personally sharpened
that one— aah!
Copy !req
1385. That's for
betraying us, Allen!
Copy !req
1386. - Nice.
- Thanks, man.
Copy !req
1387. You know this is it.
Copy !req
1388. I know.
Copy !req
1389. I gotta say it's been
one hell of a ride.
Copy !req
1390. - To Dobis.
- To Dobis.
Copy !req
1391. Katie, I have something
to say to you now.
Copy !req
1392. You know you're the love
of my life, right?
Copy !req
1393. Yeah.
Copy !req
1394. Ever since I met you,
I wanted to consummate that love.
Copy !req
1395. I wanted to go deep inside
you without a condom
Copy !req
1396. and explode in
your canal. Psssh.
Copy !req
1397. Grow a little baby
up in there.
Copy !req
1398. Start a family.
Copy !req
1399. So I have to ask you this
one important question.
Copy !req
1400. Will you marry me?
Copy !req
1401. Hey, Eric, where'd you
get that big diamond?
Copy !req
1402. I got it on the "Diamond Jim" set.
I got tons of them.
Copy !req
1403. Oh, yeah, I got a ton
of them diamonds, too.
Copy !req
1404. I got, like, a billion
dollars' worth of them.
Copy !req
1405. Will you make me
the happiest man on earth?
Copy !req
1406. Yes, I do.
Copy !req
1407. - Katie!
- No.
Copy !req
1408. Nice shooting, Tommy.
Copy !req
1409. Really, really good.
Copy !req
1410. My love.
Copy !req
1411. No.
Copy !req
1412. Schlaaang!
Copy !req
1413. Eric.
Copy !req
1414. We doing this?
Copy !req
1415. Hells, yeah.
Copy !req
1416. Ah, shit, come on.
Copy !req
1417. Take them out!
Copy !req
1418. Okay, listen, I need you
to do something for me.
Copy !req
1419. It's not going to be easy,
but I know you can do it
Copy !req
1420. 'cause you're my little boy.
Copy !req
1421. You're the best son
I ever had.
Copy !req
1422. Hey, Schlaaang!
Copy !req
1423. Shoot the kid!
Copy !req
1424. We did it.
Copy !req
1425. We did it, buddy.
Copy !req
1426. We really did it.
Copy !req
1427. Well, what did you think?
Copy !req
1428. As Steven Spielberg,
I approve of this movie.
Copy !req
1429. And let me say this is the greatest
film of all time.
Copy !req
1430. - Yeah.
- Let's celebrate.
Copy !req
1431. Yay!
Copy !req
1432. Shrim!
Copy !req
1433. We did it. You understand me?
We fucking did it!
Copy !req
1434. Tim and Eric have taken
my part away from me
Copy !req
1435. like Garry Marshall
did to me
Copy !req
1436. back with "Laverne and Shirley"
and "Happy Days"
Copy !req
1437. when they chose
Robin Williams over me.
Copy !req
1438. Hi. We're Tim and Eric.
I'm Tim Heidecker.
Copy !req
1439. Hi. I'm Eric Wareheimer,
and this movie—
Copy !req
1440. - Eric Wareheim.
- Hi. My name is Eric Wareheim.
Copy !req
1441. This is our
billion dollar movie.
Copy !req
1442. Thanks so much
for watching.
Copy !req
1443. I'm proud of the film.
I'm so proud of you, buddy.
Copy !req
1444. He's my best friend,
and I love him so much.
Copy !req
1445. I'm also proud of it
as well as you—
Copy !req
1446. of you.
Copy !req
1447. And...
Copy !req
1448. roll the credits.
Copy !req
1449. Okay.
Copy !req
1450. Roll credits.
Copy !req
1451. You guys good?
Copy !req
1452. Great. Thanks.
Good for me.
Copy !req
1453. Oh, hi.
Copy !req
1454. I'm Michael Gross.
Copy !req
1455. If you would like me
to narrate your life story,
Copy !req
1456. please contact me at...
Copy !req
1457. and someone from my staff
will get back to you.
Copy !req
1458. You have a good day.
Copy !req