1. Hey, Seth Rogen. What up, man?
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2. Oh, hey, John! Over here!
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3. Welcome to
Los Angeles International Airport.
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4. Attention, all passengers.
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5. Do not leave your baggage unattended.
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6. All unattended baggage
is subject to search...
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7. We're so happy!
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8. Look at this!
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9. - What's happening, man?
- Good to see you, buddy.
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10. - How you doing?
- I'm good, man.
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11. Yes, you are.
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12. How long has it been, man?
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13. Sometime in the last...
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14. - Inside of a year or something.
- Yeah.
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15. I have the best weekend ever planned, man.
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16. - Lay it on me.
- I don't want to ruin it.
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17. - Seth Rogen!
- Shit, here we go. Hey.
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18. - How's it going, man?
- Yeah, good.
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19. So, you, like, always play,
like, the same guy in every movie.
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20. When are you gonna do some,
like, real acting, man?
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21. Okay, thank you.
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22. Give me something.
Give me, like, the laugh, man.
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23. Give me the Seth Rogen laugh.
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24. Seth Rogen, everybody.
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25. All right, I've landed. I'm here.
We've said our hellos.
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26. Can we please go to fucking Carl's Jr.?
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27. I would love to. I'm on a...
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28. I can't really eat that stuff right now.
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29. - I'm on a...
- What?
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30. I'm on this cleanse.
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31. You're on a what?
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32. I'm on a cleanse.
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33. - What?
- It's good for you.
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34. I didn't know...
You're supposed to take six shits a day.
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35. - That's not true.
- It is true!
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36. - You're supposed to shit twice a day.
- No.
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37. That's not true.
That's what they used to think.
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38. Now they know you're supposed
to shit six times a day.
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39. So you're not drinking.
You're not smoking weed. You're not...
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40. - No, no, I'm drinking and smoking weed.
- But...
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41. I'm on a cleanse. I'm not psychotic.
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42. Look, man, if you stopped eating gluten,
you'd feel way fucking better all day.
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43. Whenever you feel shitty,
that's 'cause of gluten.
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44. - That's not true.
- It is.
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45. - Who the fuck told you not to eat gluten?
- It's just true.
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46. - You don't even know what gluten is.
- I know what fucking gluten is.
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47. - No, you have no idea what gluten is.
- I do know what gluten is.
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48. Gluten's a vague term.
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49. It's something that's used
to categorise things that are bad, you know?
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50. Calories, that's a gluten.
Fat, that's a gluten.
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51. Somebody just told you
you probably shouldn't eat gluten,
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52. you're like, "I guess I shouldn't eat gluten."
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53. Gluten means bad shit, man,
and I'm not eating it.
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54. God!
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55. Each bite is better than the previous bite.
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56. - It is.
- Gluten!
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57. - Hey, this looks beautiful.
- Yeah. Do you like it? I totally redid it.
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58. - It's fucking awesome.
- It's all new. Those are new.
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59. - God damn, son!
- It's pretty nice, huh?
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60. So this is how the other half lives.
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61. - Come on.
- Amazing.
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62. - Air hockey tables.
- Jesus Murphy!
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63. - Right? Okay, get ready, Jay.
- What?
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64. - I have a little surprise for you.
- Okay.
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65. Here's the best weekend
you ever had in your life.
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66. - Look at it, man.
- Oh, my... Are you serious?
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67. It's all of your favourite things.
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68. - Starburst and Airheads on a...
- Yeah.
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69. And it says "Jay."
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70. - In joints.
- In joints.
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71. It says "Jay" in jays.
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72. Seth Rogen, you are just the best people.
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73. Come on, I know you don't love it in LA,
so I figure I'll make it...
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74. You know, I'll lube up your entry a little bit.
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75. - It eases the transition.
- Yeah, right?
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76. This is the much-needed foreplay.
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77. - You know what else I got?
- Yo, this...
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78. - A 3-D television.
- No, you didn't...
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79. - I got a 3-D TV.
- Are you serious?
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80. - Oh, my God.
- I did it, man.
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81. What?
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82. Let's get into it.
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83. Oh, my God, bud.
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84. It's Gandalf the Grey's pipe.
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85. Damn, no shit.
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86. Hello, little hobbit.
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87. - Spark my ganja.
- Yeah.
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88. I'm a well-known homosexual advocate.
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89. My eyes feel like they're melting.
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90. I need a break.
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91. You know what, actually?
We should go to Franco's house soon.
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92. He's having a housewarming party.
He just finished building his house.
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93. I haven't even seen it yet,
but it's supposed to be bonkers.
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94. I haven't been in LA in, like, a year,
and I came here to chill with you.
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95. We can chill together,
and we'll chill with those other guys.
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96. We'll all chill as one big unit.
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97. - Will I even know anybody there?
- You know James Franco.
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98. - James Franco doesn't even know my name.
- Jonah Hill will be there.
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99. Can't stand him. He can't stand me.
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100. He's, like, the nicest guy in the world!
He likes you so much.
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101. He specifically talks about how he likes you.
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102. Out of nowhere, he just said,
"You know what? Jay's an inspiration."
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103. There's no way he said that.
Also, just can't stand him.
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104. - Okay, fine. Craig Robinson.
- Never met him.
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105. He's hilarious.
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106. Sweats a lot, but he's a great guy.
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107. So it's gonna be fun, man.
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108. For you, I will go.
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109. I promise, I'll stay with you all night, okay?
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110. I won't ditch you.
No, 'cause I want to be with you all night.
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111. And you know why else?
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112. 'Cause nobody puts Jay in the corner.
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113. Awesome.
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114. - Thank you.
- Thank you. There you go. Cool.
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115. - Thanks a lot, eh?
- Thanks a lot.
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116. Okay, man.
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117. Holy shit.
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118. This is crazy!
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119. - Yeah?
- Yeah, man, right?
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120. - Look at it.
- A bit much.
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121. I don't think it is a bit much.
I think it's right on the money.
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122. What is he, Pablo Escobar?
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123. Come on, man, this is an awesome street.
Channing Tatum lives up there.
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124. For the love of...
Will you stop talking about...
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125. This is the sexiest street in America.
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126. - You and Channing Tatum.
- I think he's attractive.
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127. - I think it's a cool house.
- I know you do.
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128. I can't wait to see inside it.
That's why I'm excited.
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129. Yes! What's up, man? Seth!
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130. - So happy you're here.
- I'm so happy to be here.
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131. Hey, Johnny, what's up?
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132. - It's Jay.
- It's Jay.
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133. I'll never forget it again, man.
Good to see you.
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134. - Nice to see you. Come on in.
- Yeah! Yeah, great.
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135. Check it out. My new place!
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136. Awesome, man!
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137. Designed it myself.
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138. Really cool. This place is beautiful, man.
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139. This place is like a piece of me.
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140. You two just stepped inside me.
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141. You let us both cum inside you. Yeah.
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142. Icing on the cake. Check it out.
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143. Painted them myself.
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144. Side by side. A team.
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145. Holy shit.
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146. So, is it weird?
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147. - No.
- You sure?
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148. I really like it.
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149. What do you think, Jay?
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150. I'm not a big art guy.
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151. You don't like art?
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152. Well, come on...
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153. - You play video games?
- Yes.
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154. - Well, guess what, buddy? You like art.
- Yep.
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155. - You ever been to Subway?
- Yes.
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156. You order a sandwich?
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157. Somebody put that together for you, dude.
That's art.
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158. Sandwich artist.
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159. - So, let me lay this on you, Jay.
- Fuck.
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160. Your mama's pussy was the canvas.
Your dad's dick was the paintbrush.
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161. Boom. You're the art.
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162. - Thanks, James Franco.
- You got it.
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163. - Seth!
- Mindy, hello.
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164. - Oh, my God, great to see you.
- You, too.
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165. Long time. How's it going?
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166. - You know Jay?
- I don't think I've ever actually met you.
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167. You were so good in Million Dollar Baby.
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168. That's amazing.
Thank you so much for saying that.
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169. Oh, my God,
if I don't fuck Michael Cera tonight,
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170. - I'm gonna blow my brains out.
- What?
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171. Fucking pale, 110 pounds,
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172. hairless, probably has a huge cock,
coked out of his mind...
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173. You can do a lot better. That's just trouble.
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174. So, Ri-Ri, how about you,
you ever see a psychiatrist?
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175. - That's not cool.
- Don't touch my butt, bitch.
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176. - Michael, that's not cool.
- Would you shut the fuck up, Jason!
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177. We're playing a game, man.
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178. Say cheese, baby.
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179. - What's up, buddy?
- How's it going, dude?
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180. Good to see you, man.
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181. - Is that Jay Baruchel?
- Hi, there. Hey.
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182. Oh, my God, get in here, dude.
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183. - How's it going, Jonah?
- What are you doing?
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184. - Good. How you doing, buddy?
- Oh, my gosh.
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185. - Welcome back.
- Thank you very much.
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186. - When'd you get in?
- This morning,
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187. and boy, are my arms tired.
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188. Dude, that's great.
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189. - Thank you.
- Sick.
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190. What have you guys been doing?
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191. We just hung out all day.
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192. Ate a bunch of dirty burgers,
and smoked about a fucking pound of weed
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193. and played a bunch of video games.
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194. Weed is tight.
Weed is tight. That's awesome.
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195. That's awesome. Weed is awesome.
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196. It was like
the golfing sequence in Navy SEALS.
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197. - Sick reference, though, bro.
- Thanks, bud.
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198. Dude, your references are out of control.
Everyone knows that.
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199. - Hey, thanks, man.
- I'm jealous.
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200. I would have been there in a heartbeat,
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201. but I actually just adopted
this incontinent spaniel.
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202. She's a really beautiful soul.
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203. - Her name's Ahjhai.
- Ahjhai?
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204. - Yeah.
- How do you spell it?
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205. - A-H-J-H-A-I.
- A-H...
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206. You want to see a picture of her?
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207. - She's so sweet.
- Hey!
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208. Look at her.
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209. She can't bark. She doesn't know how, so...
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210. - She doesn't know how to bark, even?
- She doesn't know how to bark,
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211. so I've tried to teach her
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212. and she just kind of screams,
and so she was up,
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213. had her face smushed against the cage,
and was, like...
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214. Yeah, cool.
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215. Tell you what, boys, I'm kind of jonesing,
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216. so I'm gonna find someone
I can bum a smoke off of outside, all right?
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217. - That's tight, dude. Honestly, I like you.
- Hey, likewise.
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218. Okay, dude, come back.
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219. I'll be right back. You're holding court.
All right, boys.
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220. Dude. I know.
I think we're making some progress.
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221. - That was really good.
- And honestly, he's your old friend.
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222. - We're your new friends. He feels threatened.
- Yeah, man.
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223. You know, and I get it.
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224. It's gonna be fine.
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225. I honestly think tonight's the night
we bust this whole thing open.
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226. And I'm lucky.
It's the same thing a lot, though.
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227. It's, like, my TV wife opens the fridge,
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228. and is, like,
"What happened to the birthday cake?"
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229. And I come out with, like, a little frosting,
like,
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230. "What birthday cake?"
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231. - 'Cause you ate the cake!
- Yeah.
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232. 'Cause you ate the cake!
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233. "It's my birthday."
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234. That's why y'all number one. 'Cause of that.
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235. - You're Jay, right?
- Yeah.
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236. - Seth's boy?
- Yeah.
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237. - How you doing, man? Good to see you.
- Good. Likewise, likewise.
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238. - I'm Craig, man. This is Emma.
- Hi. Hi, there.
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239. You just in town visiting him, or what?
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240. Yeah. Just for a little visit, you know.
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241. I try to not come down here very much.
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242. I don't really love it here.
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243. - You don't like LA?
- I'm just not really into the LA lifestyle.
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244. What lifestyle are you into?
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245. Look at him. He's, like, a hipster, right?
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246. No, I'm not a hipster, at all.
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247. Yeah, yeah, you do seem
to hate a lot of things,
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248. and the bottom of your pants are awful tight.
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249. No, I just... I don't like Los Angeles.
It doesn't make me a hipster.
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250. I'll bet you hate movies
that are universally loved.
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251. - I don't even...
- You like Forrest Gump?
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252. No, no, it's a horrendous piece of shit.
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253. "Life is like a box of chocolates," no?
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254. Yeah, no, I'm familiar with it.
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255. "You never know what you're gonna get."
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256. Why don't we do a sequel
to Pineapple Express?
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257. - I would love to do a sequel to Pineapple.
- Do you have any ideas, or...
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258. - I do have an idea.
- What?
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259. It's that Red, Danny,
has become, like, the drug lord,
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260. you know, since we killed the other one,
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261. and he wants
to assassinate Woody Harrelson,
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262. 'cause he's gonna give a speech
that makes all of weed legal,
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263. effectively rendering
drug lords out of business.
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264. - Awesome.
- Yeah, it's fucking awesome,
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265. but we don't have...
We don't know how it should end yet.
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266. I know.
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267. - Danny's trying to kill us.
- Yeah.
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268. And I sacrifice myself for you.
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269. And he kills me,
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270. and I die for you.
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271. And Danny fucking eats me.
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272. - Why does he eat you?
- I don't know.
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273. I'm just trying to think of, like,
the nastiest way to go.
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274. Yeah, he could eat you. Okay.
That's a good idea, man.
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275. He's just out of his mind.
He just, like, eats me.
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276. - Hey, Chris.
- How's it going?
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277. Hey, does this coke smell funny?
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278. - Fuck!
- Michael, what the fuck, man?
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279. That's expensive shit, motherfucker!
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280. What are you doing?
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281. I've never fucking done cocaine, dude.
Why does it fucking...
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282. Well, you did the best shit possible
for your first time,
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283. - 'cause that's good fucking...
- Fuck, fuck, fuck, I'm nervous, dude.
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284. - I don't know what...
- What is wrong with you, man?
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285. - Look, he's freaking out.
- Oh, shit.
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286. I've never done
this fucking drug before, man.
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287. Mike, please.
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288. I'll walk you through it.
I will walk you through it.
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289. - Mike, no one...
- I'll be your guide.
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290. - You're fine, Chris. You're fine.
- Is it on...
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291. - You got some in your moustache, baby.
- What are you... Michael!
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292. Now, fellas, I want you to real sexy right now.
We're gonna sing to all the ladies.
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293. All the fellas go like this,
in your Barry White voice.
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294. Take your panties off
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295. Take your panties off
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296. Take your panties off
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297. Take your panties off
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298. Come on, Rihanna
Take your panties off for me
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299. Come on, Craig, can you fuck off for me?
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300. I'll do one of them things.
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301. Like an angel.
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302. What about the host of the party?
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303. I ain't got no panties on
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304. He ain't got no panties, everybody!
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305. We ain't got no panties on
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306. We ain't got no panties on
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307. We ain't got no panties on
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308. We ain't got no panties on
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309. Ain't nobody got no panties on
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310. We ain't got no panties on
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311. Ain't no party like a no-panty party
'Cause a no-panty party don't stop
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312. Fuck those panties
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313. Fuck those...
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314. Fuck those panties
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315. Fuck those panties
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316. Fuck those panties
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317. What's not kid-friendly?
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318. - There's a lot of sharp edges.
- Concrete, sharp edges.
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319. He's gonna bust his head open
on one of those things.
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320. A kid could fall off
this fucking railing right here.
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321. That's why you have the railing,
so they don't fall.
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322. - Hey. Sorry.
- I want to have kids one day.
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323. - Hey, Jay.
- Oh, hey, hi, Jonah.
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324. Is there any place around here
I can buy a pack of cigarettes?
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325. Yeah.
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326. There's a place like,
it's like, four blocks away, maybe.
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327. You want to come with me?
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328. Give me this much time.
That much joint time.
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329. - Jesus!
- Hey, Jay.
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330. Hey, you need to use the toilet, honey?
Go ahead.
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331. Nope, I'm... I sorry.
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332. Who wants a sip? Sip time.
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333. You okay, man?
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334. It's nothing. It's just, you know,
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335. as soon as we got there,
you did what you said you wouldn't do.
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336. - What did I do?
- You just fucking ditched my ass.
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337. I didn't ditch you.
Are you kidding me, man?
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338. I did not ditch you.
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339. I was talking to Jonah,
and then you left to go have a cigarette.
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340. Well, you know, my cigarette was an excuse.
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341. I really went outside
'cause Jonah was being a prick.
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342. Jonah was not being a prick.
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343. If anything, you were kind of being a prick.
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344. Jonah's the nicest guy ever, man.
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345. Oh, my God, that's a thin veneer of kindness.
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346. Nobody's that nice.
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347. Jonah is that nice.
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348. Serial killers are that nice.
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349. Just answer me one question.
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350. Is Michael Cera's butthole
as adorable as I pictured?
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351. Oh, for fuck's sake.
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352. I picture it looking like a little doughnut,
like a little pink sprinkled doughnut.
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353. It's so bright in here.
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354. It is fucking bright.
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355. I'm so high.
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356. There's so many delicious choices.
What do I do?
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357. - I'm gonna get something to drink.
- Okay.
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358. Excuse me, would it be possible
for my daughter to use your restroom?
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359. She's really got to go.
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360. Read the sign. Customers only.
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361. Seriously?
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362. Why the fuck you think I put up the sign?
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363. It's okay, Dad. I can hold it.
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364. Let's just buy something for your mother.
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365. Yeah, well, I guess you better, huh?
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366. This cash register lady is mean.
I have anxiety. Will you buy this for me?
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367. When I'm stoned, I can't do this.
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368. I think I'm just gonna head
back to your place.
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369. I'm not really liking it very much
over there at Franco's.
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370. Dude, I want you to get to know these guys.
That's never gonna happen
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371. if you don't put in
any effort whatsoever, okay?
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372. I hate it in there.
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373. I just want to drink some pop
and smoke some weed.
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374. What about...
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375. What about me?
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376. Are you okay? Are you okay?
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377. Did you just see that?
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378. What the hell?
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379. - Oh, my God, Jesus, Jesus!
- Run, run, run!
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380. - This way!
- Okay, okay, okay!
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381. Oh, my God!
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382. Jesus.
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383. Run!
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384. Jesus Christ!
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385. Why the fuck did you bring me down here?
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386. - The fuck, Seth?
- I don't know what's happening!
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387. - We're going back to Franco's.
- Why?
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388. Just run! Keep running!
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389. Oh, my fuck!
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390. We are going back to Franco's!
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391. God damn it.
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392. - Jesus!
- Shit!
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393. This way.
We're almost there! We're so close!
Copy !req
394. Hey, you guys okay?
Copy !req
395. Are you guys okay?
Copy !req
396. There was a crazy earthquake.
Did you guys feel that?
Copy !req
397. - That was insane.
- Fuck, no.
Copy !req
398. We can't feel anything in here.
This place is a fucking fortress.
Copy !req
399. That wasn't an earthquake, man.
Copy !req
400. - That was something way fucking crazier.
- No...
Copy !req
401. What's crazier than an earthquake?
Copy !req
402. There were beams of blue light
coming out of the sky
Copy !req
403. and people getting sucked up into the sky.
Copy !req
404. He's on hallucinogens.
Copy !req
405. Come on, guys. Don't bully Jay.
He's a sweetheart.
Copy !req
406. Keep going, man.
What are you talking about?
Copy !req
407. There were people, and they were there,
and they got sucked up into the sky.
Copy !req
408. - Jay.
- Sucked up into the sky?
Copy !req
409. Nobody got sucked up in here.
Copy !req
410. I got sucked off here.
Copy !req
411. No, okay, ask Seth. He was...
You were there. Tell them.
Copy !req
412. Seth, what the fuck's he talking about?
Copy !req
413. I have no idea
what he's talking about honestly.
Copy !req
414. Did anybody get sucked up into the sky?
Copy !req
415. I didn't see anything.
I don't know what he's talking about.
Copy !req
416. You were there with me.
What are you saying?
Copy !req
417. All those people that
were in the store with us,
Copy !req
418. they just fucking vanished.
Copy !req
419. I didn't see blue light
sucking people up in the sky.
Copy !req
420. You sound crazy, man.
We should just be lucky we're...
Copy !req
421. - It's not over!
- It's okay. Just relax.
Copy !req
422. Everyone, it's all right. Just a little tremor.
Party's still going.
Copy !req
423. In-N-Out truck's coming in 10 minutes.
Copy !req
424. - Yes.
- Animal style!
Copy !req
425. Oh, my fuck!
Copy !req
426. - Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!
- Move! Move!
Copy !req
427. - Move, move, move, move!
- This place is safe!
Copy !req
428. This place is not safe!
Copy !req
429. Craig, where you going, man?
Copy !req
430. - It's a fucking earthquake!
- Fuck!
Copy !req
431. - Move, move, move, come on!
- Get out of my way. Move, girl!
Copy !req
432. - Oh, my God, Seth!
- Oh, shit!
Copy !req
433. - Seth.
- What the fuck?
Copy !req
434. Don't go on the grass,
not everybody on the grass!
Copy !req
435. What the fuck?
Copy !req
436. Oh, God!
Copy !req
437. - What the fuck is happening?
- Paul!
Copy !req
438. What's happening?
Copy !req
439. All right, everybody, listen up. Listen up.
Copy !req
440. Who took my fucking cell phone, man?
Copy !req
441. - Martin, empty your pockets!
- What?
Copy !req
442. I saw you in the bathroom, man!
Somebody dial my phone!
Copy !req
443. Shut the fuck up! It's unbelievable!
Copy !req
444. It's unacceptable after all the coke
I've wasted on you people.
Copy !req
445. - I've thrown it away.
- I didn't take your fucking cell phone.
Copy !req
446. - 310...
- Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike...
Copy !req
447. My face!
Copy !req
448. What's happening to me? What's happening?
Copy !req
449. Oh, my God!
Copy !req
450. Shit, that's embarrassing.
Copy !req
451. Rihanna!
Copy !req
452. Please give me your foot!
Copy !req
453. Oh, my God!
Copy !req
454. Craig, Craig, help me. I'm losing my grip!
Copy !req
455. It's too late for you!
You're already in the hole!
Copy !req
456. - What the fuck are you talking about?
- Get the fuck out of my way!
Copy !req
457. Sorry.
Copy !req
458. Karen!
Copy !req
459. Seth, come on! Get in the house!
Come on, Seth!
Copy !req
460. Oh, my God, I'm gonna die!
Copy !req
461. Martin!
Copy !req
462. - Shit!
- Kevin! Kevin!
Copy !req
463. What the fuck?
Copy !req
464. Geez, get the fuck off me, Aziz!
Copy !req
465. Fuck you, Kevin!
Copy !req
466. Oh, God, no, get your fucking hands off me!
Copy !req
467. Get your fucking...
Copy !req
468. No!
Copy !req
469. Jay, I can't hold on much longer.
Copy !req
470. You have to reach out and grab me.
You hear?
Copy !req
471. Okay, you take my hand,
and I will swing you up.
Copy !req
472. Are you sure?
I'm gonna give you my whole weight.
Copy !req
473. - I'm gonna reach for you, all right?
- Yeah, yeah.
Copy !req
474. Are you sure you can do that?
Copy !req
475. I can grab you on three.
Copy !req
476. One, two, three.
Copy !req
477. All right, buddy.
Copy !req
478. - Now I'm gonna, I'm gonna swing across.
- I got you, buddy.
Copy !req
479. - You're gonna hold my weight, all of it.
- Okay, come on.
Copy !req
480. - You can hold on to my full weight?
- I can do it.
Copy !req
481. - I don't want to die.
- Okay.
Copy !req
482. - One, two...
- Two, three.
Copy !req
483. No!
Copy !req
484. No! No!
Copy !req
485. Oh, man.
Copy !req
486. Fuck.
Copy !req
487. - Holy shit!
- What happened?
Copy !req
488. - Jay, you're alive.
- Jay.
Copy !req
489. - Oh, thank God, Jay.
- I'm not dead yet.
Copy !req
490. I told you guys not to go outside.
Copy !req
491. - What just happened?
- Jesus Christ, they are all fucking dead.
Copy !req
492. - I told you guys not to run outside.
- You all right?
Copy !req
493. - I tried to save Aziz. I tried.
- You did your best, man. I love you.
Copy !req
494. Why the fuck did you guys run out there?
Copy !req
495. You know what, James,
can you lower your voice?
Copy !req
496. You're freaking out Jay!
Copy !req
497. Maybe I'm a little freaked out, too!
Copy !req
498. - He's not as strong as you.
- They all fell in.
Copy !req
499. - Look at my house!
- I tried to save them. They all fell in.
Copy !req
500. Get your fucking hands off me.
Jonah, stop touching me.
Copy !req
501. Can we get Jay some water, please?
Can we get him some hydration?
Copy !req
502. - He needs to be hydrated.
- The water's not working!
Copy !req
503. Everyone just runs out the door!
Copy !req
504. My phone is dead.
Copy !req
505. Guys, the fucking Internet's not working!
Copy !req
506. Let's watch the TV. Let's check the news.
Copy !req
507. Where is the TV?
Copy !req
508. - It's in the floor.
- In the floor?
Copy !req
509. - That's dope.
- Yeah, cool, huh?
Copy !req
510. That's really neat.
Copy !req
511. That is impressive, James.
Copy !req
512. The biggest earthquake to ever hit Los...
Copy !req
513. Officers urging people to stay
in their homes right now.
Copy !req
514. And also reports of looting and rioting
are spreading across the city.
Copy !req
515. Riots.
Copy !req
516. Police are pretty much outnumbered
as people are turning to one another.
Copy !req
517. Martial law has now been declared.
Copy !req
518. Air Force One has gone down...
Copy !req
519. Shit. It's gone, guys.
Copy !req
520. So I think we should...
Copy !req
521. I think we should probably
go back to your place, eh?
Copy !req
522. What are you talking about, man?
Copy !req
523. No, no way. I'm not leaving here.
Copy !req
524. I don't want to die at James Franco's house.
Copy !req
525. You heard the TV.
Copy !req
526. The TV said stay here.
It said stay in your homes.
Copy !req
527. We need to stay here
until they start rescuing people, okay?
Copy !req
528. A huge earthquake happens.
Who do they rescue first?
Copy !req
529. - Actors.
- Famous people.
Copy !req
530. They'll get Clooney, Sandra Bullock, me.
Copy !req
531. If there's room, you guys'll come.
Copy !req
532. The point is, is that
we're all gonna get out of this first.
Copy !req
533. - What the hell was that?
- It's already going crazy out there, guys.
Copy !req
534. We can't leave. I'm not leaving, okay?
I'm a victim.
Copy !req
535. I've had a victim's mentality my whole life.
People can smell it on me.
Copy !req
536. When I was a kid, I had man-titties.
Copy !req
537. The bullies held me down,
they tittie-fucked me.
Copy !req
538. That's what's happening out there right now.
Copy !req
539. That's right, we are all soft.
Copy !req
540. - Yeah.
- We are all soft!
Copy !req
541. We are actors! We pretend to be hard, man.
Copy !req
542. - Yeah.
- We soft as baby shit.
Copy !req
543. As baby shit, soft as...
Wait, Craig, what are you doing, man?
Copy !req
544. Hey, hey, what are you doing?
What are you doing to the painting, man?
Copy !req
545. - We got to board this shit up, man.
- Board it up?
Copy !req
546. We got to protect ourselves. We don't know
Copy !req
547. - how long we gonna be in here.
- Okay, chill.
Copy !req
548. There's raccoons, and bandits,
and shit out there.
Copy !req
549. - This is Obey, man!
- If you get out the way!
Copy !req
550. This is my favourite fucking painting!
What are you doing, Craig?
Copy !req
551. Guys, help.
Copy !req
552. Help. Help. Get off.
Copy !req
553. Chill. Look.
Copy !req
554. Helicopter! Helicopter!
Copy !req
555. The good guys are here.
We're fine! It's gonna be fine.
Copy !req
556. God damn!
Copy !req
557. God damn!
Copy !req
558. Shit!
Copy !req
559. - You okay?
- No, I'm not okay!
Copy !req
560. Fuck your house, Franco!
Copy !req
561. My house didn't do that!
Copy !req
562. You don't got a tool kit or nothing?
Just a toolbox?
Copy !req
563. I don't know. Look in there.
Copy !req
564. Where's the edge of this shit?
Copy !req
565. Your thumb's in my butthole, man.
Copy !req
566. Y'all need this dick?
Copy !req
567. No, we're not using it.
Copy !req
568. All right, I'm gonna take it over here.
Copy !req
569. - Careful with that dick.
- Damn.
Copy !req
570. It's heavy.
Copy !req
571. There it is, got that dick now.
Copy !req
572. That dick is coming now.
Copy !req
573. Yeah, got this big dick.
Copy !req
574. Hey, hey.
Copy !req
575. - What now?
- Listen.
Copy !req
576. Not the Rogen, all right? Don't take him.
Copy !req
577. Take me.
Copy !req
578. We got 12 bottles of water,
56 beers, two vodkas,
Copy !req
579. four whiskeys, six bottles of wine,
tequila, Nutella,
Copy !req
580. cheese, pizza, eggs, bananas,
apples, bacon, steaks,
Copy !req
581. pancake mix, CT Crunch, milk,
ketchup, a Milky Way,
Copy !req
582. half ounce Sour Diesel,
three and a half grams Grand Master Kush,
Copy !req
583. one ounce of 'shrooms, 15 pills of ecstasy,
Copy !req
584. a porno mag, a baseball bat,
Copy !req
585. and the video camera
from the movie 27 Hours.
Copy !req
586. 127 Hours.
Copy !req
587. 127 Hours.
Copy !req
588. And a functioning revolver
from the movie Flyboys.
Copy !req
589. Old Faithful.
Copy !req
590. - Jesus.
- Thing's real.
Copy !req
591. - No, I kept this from the movie.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
592. - This is an actual revolver.
- I see.
Copy !req
593. Franco, that's very uncomfortable.
Could you put that down, please?
Copy !req
594. Loaded.
Copy !req
595. - Love it
- Awesome.
Copy !req
596. - Can you just put the gun away?
- I always keep my props.
Copy !req
597. - That's really cool.
- Always keep my props.
Copy !req
598. I know how to handle it.
Copy !req
599. He knows what he's doing. I like this bit.
I like it. I get it. Let me see.
Copy !req
600. - It's real. It's heavy.
- Let me see it like that.
Copy !req
601. - God damn!
- Come on, guys!
Copy !req
602. - You could kill...
- Careful.
Copy !req
603. - Bang, bang!
- Jesus!
Copy !req
604. - Please, put it down!
- Fuck!
Copy !req
605. Bang, bang, bang. You're dead.
Copy !req
606. - I hope you're fucking happy.
- Pow, pow, pow.
Copy !req
607. Stop... Guys, stop fucking with the gun.
Copy !req
608. - Jesus! Jesus!
- Pow, pow.
Copy !req
609. - It's a real gun!
- Bang.
Copy !req
610. It's so funny. It's so funny.
Copy !req
611. - Guys, it's funny.
- It's not funny!
Copy !req
612. We're getting sidetracked.
Copy !req
613. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Copy !req
614. - I'll just kill myself.
- No!
Copy !req
615. - Don't do that, Jonah!
- Jesus.
Copy !req
616. - Oh, no.
- Jonah, give it back.
Copy !req
617. - I don't know! I don't know.
- Don't do that.
Copy !req
618. - Jonah.
- I'm so...
Copy !req
619. - Oh, my God. Hey.
- Oh, dude.
Copy !req
620. - Come on, no, no. Don't. Jesus!
- Would you put the thing down?
Copy !req
621. The whole...
Copy !req
622. I'm trying to have some fun, man.
Copy !req
623. Okay, okay, Jesus.
Copy !req
624. Look, just because a bunch
of people fell into a hole outside
Copy !req
625. doesn't mean we can't have some fun.
Copy !req
626. We're a bunch of best friends hanging out.
It's like a sleepover.
Copy !req
627. Okay, food.
How are we gonna deal with this?
Copy !req
628. Can I have that Milky Way?
Copy !req
629. No, you can't have the Milky Way.
Copy !req
630. - That's my Milky Way.
- There's a bunch... What?
Copy !req
631. I went out this morning,
Copy !req
632. specifically bought this Milky Way
to eat after my party.
Copy !req
633. - That's weird.
- It's not weird. It's my special food.
Copy !req
634. I like it. Back me up on that, Seth.
Copy !req
635. I don't think you should get
the whole Milky Way.
Copy !req
636. I want some of that Milky Way.
Copy !req
637. I'd be pretty bummed if I don't
at least get a bite of the Milky Way.
Copy !req
638. Now Craig wants a bite of the Milky Way.
Copy !req
639. Yeah, I want a bite of the Milky Way.
It's a fucking Milky Way.
Copy !req
640. A fifth of everything
is what's fair and reasonable.
Copy !req
641. Everyone gets a fifth of everything.
Copy !req
642. I want one-fifth of your T-shirt!
Copy !req
643. I want the bottom part, the belly.
Copy !req
644. I'm not sporting a crop top in your house.
Copy !req
645. I'll cut that shit off and make a headband.
Copy !req
646. You couldn't handle my midriff.
Copy !req
647. Guys, the only issue is,
I kind of need the Milky Way.
Copy !req
648. For fuck's sake.
Copy !req
649. No, for real, I have low blood sugar,
Copy !req
650. and if my endorphins drop too low,
Copy !req
651. I'm gonna be a nightmare to be around.
Copy !req
652. - What?
- Your LBS starts acting up,
Copy !req
653. you can have a finger scoop of Nutella,
okay?
Copy !req
654. - One finger scoop of Nutella.
- Fair.
Copy !req
655. I'm going to bed.
Copy !req
656. Jesus fucking...
Copy !req
657. Don't touch that Milky Way, Jonah.
Copy !req
658. Night, James.
Copy !req
659. Oh, God, no!
Copy !req
660. Fuck.
Copy !req
661. - Hey.
- Hey.
Copy !req
662. I'm gonna sleep with you.
Copy !req
663. - What?
- I'm gonna sleep with you.
Copy !req
664. - It's too scary to sleep alone.
- But this is my little area.
Copy !req
665. Well, I'm invading your little area.
Copy !req
666. I'm sorry, but I'm too scared, okay?
Copy !req
667. Are you mad at me, man?
Copy !req
668. If I was pissed at you,
Copy !req
669. I'm sure it would have something to do
Copy !req
670. with the fact that I had no interest
in coming to this house socially,
Copy !req
671. and now, I am barricaded in here
Copy !req
672. with a bunch of people that I really hate.
Copy !req
673. Maybe this was meant to be.
Copy !req
674. Maybe this horrible, horrible,
deadly earthquake happened
Copy !req
675. so we could become closer
as a group of friends.
Copy !req
676. I don't need a group. I'm like DMX, man.
I'm a lone wolf.
Copy !req
677. DMX isn't a lone wolf.
DMX has the Ruff Ryder crew.
Copy !req
678. You can't stop, drop,
and open up shop alone.
Copy !req
679. You need people to help you
in an earthquake disastery situation.
Copy !req
680. It was something else. It was Judgement Day.
Copy !req
681. Like Terminator 2?
Copy !req
682. No, not like Terminator 2. For God's sakes.
Copy !req
683. Like Skynet? You think this is Skynet?
Copy !req
684. - Like, Skynet went live?
- No.
Copy !req
685. Will you please stop saying "Skynet"?
Copy !req
686. Well, you're the one that said Judgement Day.
Copy !req
687. The biblical Judgement Day.
Copy !req
688. - What?
- That's crazy. It's just...
Copy !req
689. - You fucking heathen.
- Okay, here's the thing.
Copy !req
690. Let's say for a second there was blue light
sucking people up into the sky.
Copy !req
691. That means that we were not
awesome enough to go to heaven.
Copy !req
692. Shit! Shit.
Copy !req
693. What y'all doing?
Copy !req
694. Fuck you, Craig.
Copy !req
695. I'm scared. It's scary by myself.
Copy !req
696. It's way better with more people.
Copy !req
697. - I'm gonna come down here.
- Yeah, good, yeah. Get in here, man.
Copy !req
698. Get right in there.
Copy !req
699. So, you're gonna...
Copy !req
700. - Right here.
- Right here.
Copy !req
701. I feel better, actually. I like that.
Copy !req
702. It's better with more people.
Copy !req
703. Hey, guys...
Copy !req
704. - Jesus Christ.
- Jesus!
Copy !req
705. Sorry. Franco has this crazy open floor plan.
I can hear every word you guys are saying.
Copy !req
706. I might as well hang with you guys
if that's cool.
Copy !req
707. - Nice.
- Coming in hot.
Copy !req
708. I gonna grab a blanket from you.
Copy !req
709. Give me that blanket.
Copy !req
710. - Get in the middle of it.
- That's good.
Copy !req
711. - That's it.
- It feels so much more safe now, guys.
Copy !req
712. It's nice here.
Copy !req
713. - Should we spoon it?
- Yeah, you want to?
Copy !req
714. - No!
- Want to go...
Copy !req
715. - Dick to butt?
- No.
Copy !req
716. - My butt to you and then Jay.
- I don't want to butt to dick to anything.
Copy !req
717. Are you docking into me?
You're doing tip to me?
Copy !req
718. - Or what are you doing?
- Should we go butt to butt or dick to...
Copy !req
719. Seth and I are gonna go ass to ass.
Do you want to go front to front?
Copy !req
720. - No, I'm fine just going dicks up.
- Dicks up?
Copy !req
721. - I think I'm going dick to ass.
- You know what?
Copy !req
722. I'm going Scarface-style.
Copy !req
723. - Both of you guys.
- Wait, yeah.
Copy !req
724. - There we go.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
725. This is the best way.
Copy !req
726. Good night, boys.
Copy !req
727. - Good night.
- Good night.
Copy !req
728. Good night, guys.
Copy !req
729. - Night, my sweet guys.
- Good night.
Copy !req
730. Sweet dreams, fellas.
Copy !req
731. Fuck, yeah.
Copy !req
732. Franco! Good morning, sunshine.
Copy !req
733. Guys! Guys! Wake up!
Copy !req
734. Danny's alive!
He's eating all the fucking food!
Copy !req
735. - No!
- Danny, man, don't.
Copy !req
736. Danny!
Copy !req
737. No, it's cool, man.
I fucking made this for you guys.
Copy !req
738. - Stop eating!
- Don't eat another piece of bacon.
Copy !req
739. Guys, just chill the fuck out, okay?
Copy !req
740. I'm sure the Green Goblin
can fucking afford some more bacon.
Copy !req
741. Dude, that shit's supposed to last us
till we get rescued!
Copy !req
742. Wait a second. I know what happened.
Copy !req
743. You guys dropped acid, didn't you?
Copy !req
744. Craig doesn't have any pants on.
He got fucking wild.
Copy !req
745. Probably danced, sweated all over the place.
Copy !req
746. You got white shit
all over your mouth, Franco.
Copy !req
747. You probably sucked somebody's dick.
Copy !req
748. Jonah over here probably watched
and jerked off.
Copy !req
749. Jay, I didn't even know you were in town.
Good to see you.
Copy !req
750. Danny, we're not on acid.
We didn't suck each other's dicks!
Copy !req
751. James Franco didn't suck
any dick last night?
Copy !req
752. Now I know y'all are tripping.
Copy !req
753. You actually not know
what happened last night?
Copy !req
754. Daniel, you may want
to stay seated for a second.
Copy !req
755. Some really messed-up stuff happened,
and there were a lot of fatalities.
Copy !req
756. Really? You're putting your serious voice on,
Jonah?
Copy !req
757. Okay, tell me about these "fatalities."
Copy !req
758. Dude, Segel's dead,
Krumholtz is dead, Michael Cera's dead.
Copy !req
759. Guess if Michael Cera's gone,
it's not a total loss, huh?
Copy !req
760. - Jesus, Danny.
- Michael Cera's dead.
Copy !req
761. - What?
- It's not like that.
Copy !req
762. - It's not funny, man.
- It's really not funny.
Copy !req
763. Seth, that's a better performance
than you've given in your last six movies.
Copy !req
764. Where the fuck was that
in Green Hornet, huh?
Copy !req
765. Jonah, you're fucking sucking balls.
Copy !req
766. You're an Academy Award nominated person.
Copy !req
767. You need to be fucking
selling that shit, dude.
Copy !req
768. "Fatalities. There were some fatalities."
Copy !req
769. Fatalities.
Copy !req
770. Okay, now that was good. That was good.
Copy !req
771. Does it seem like we're fucking joking?
Copy !req
772. Hey, hey, hey!
What the fuck you eating, man?
Copy !req
773. Spit it out your mouth. Give me the bacon!
Copy !req
774. Shit.
Copy !req
775. Shit, what do we do?
Copy !req
776. Shoot 'em! Shoot 'em! Shoot 'em!
Copy !req
777. Should I shoot?
Copy !req
778. - Shut up, Franco!
- Shoot the door, Franco!
Copy !req
779. Oh, God!
Copy !req
780. Did you not hear me knocking out here?
I've been knocking forever.
Copy !req
781. Please! Please! You've got to let me in!
Copy !req
782. - Hang on a second.
- What?
Copy !req
783. Guys, I know it sounds really weird,
but I don't think we should let him in.
Copy !req
784. Why not?
Copy !req
785. Yeah, why not? I can hear you, by the way.
Copy !req
786. I'm sorry. We just don't know you, man.
Copy !req
787. You could be like, a looter,
or a rapist, or a tittie-fucker.
Copy !req
788. Like, I'm sorry.
Copy !req
789. Look, guys, we just boarded up
this whole house to keep everyone out,
Copy !req
790. and the first guy comes to the door,
we're gonna let him in?
Copy !req
791. I mean, how do we know
we can trust this guy?
Copy !req
792. I want to live!
Things have gone crazy out here!
Copy !req
793. "Fucking crazy out here!"
This guy fucking sucks.
Copy !req
794. - What if he's the rapist?
- Man, even if he is a rapist,
Copy !req
795. - he can't rape all of us.
- Yeah! No! So I'm not...
Copy !req
796. - I'm not a rapist!
- You want to tittie-fuck us?
Copy !req
797. If you want me to tittie-fuck you, I will!
So good! You'll love it.
Copy !req
798. Seth, back me up, please.
Copy !req
799. We can't just leave him out there to die.
Are you crazy?
Copy !req
800. What do you want to do?
I'll do whatever you want to do.
Copy !req
801. Let's vote on it.
Copy !req
802. Yeah, I fucking vote you let me in.
Copy !req
803. Here's my vote. Fuck all of you.
I'm letting him in. This is boring.
Copy !req
804. There's something out here!
Copy !req
805. This is real! This is fucking real!
Copy !req
806. God damn it!
Copy !req
807. You guys!
Copy !req
808. This man was alive a few seconds ago.
We can't play soccer with his head!
Copy !req
809. Pick it up, Jonah!
Copy !req
810. What the fuck is going on?
Copy !req
811. He blinked at me.
Copy !req
812. - He blinked at my face.
- Seth, put it over there.
Copy !req
813. Oh, my God!
Copy !req
814. I got it. I got it, guys.
Copy !req
815. There's blood all over my floor!
Copy !req
816. Time to relax for a second.
Copy !req
817. Okay, someone should look out the hole.
Copy !req
818. I ain't looking out that hole!
Copy !req
819. Last person looked through that hole
got his head chopped off!
Copy !req
820. Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Whatever is out there might still be out there.
Copy !req
821. Okay, I know, I know.
Come on. Come on. Come on.
Copy !req
822. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.
Copy !req
823. There's a lookout!
Copy !req
824. Jesus Christ! Look, there's
a huge fucking hole down there!
Copy !req
825. What the fuck is this?
Copy !req
826. - Where's the thing that killed the guy?
- I don't know.
Copy !req
827. - How'd his head fall off?
- And where's the rest of him?
Copy !req
828. Hi.
Copy !req
829. This is James Franco,
Copy !req
830. in my house, in my library.
Copy !req
831. We've been stuck here for about 24 hours.
Copy !req
832. Danny McBride is here.
Copy !req
833. I didn't even invite him to my party,
Copy !req
834. but he came and passed out in the bathtub,
Copy !req
835. and I got to say it's,
like, typical fucking McBride.
Copy !req
836. Like, I've been feeling really weird
about him lately.
Copy !req
837. Like, I don't really know
if I want to be friends with him,
Copy !req
838. and then he fucking showed up at my party,
Copy !req
839. and now, we're stuck here with him
in disaster lockdown, so...
Copy !req
840. - What up? What's going on?
- Hey, Danny. What's up, man?
Copy !req
841. Not much.
What are you doing? What is this?
Copy !req
842. It's just a video confessional.
Copy !req
843. Fuck that dude.
Copy !req
844. - Earthquakes cause tsunamis.
- Yes.
Copy !req
845. Tsunamis cause other tsunamis, disaster.
Copy !req
846. I mean, for all we know,
the fucking Lakers could have just won,
Copy !req
847. and that's the reason
why all this is happening.
Copy !req
848. Hole in Franco's front yard? Sinkhole.
Copy !req
849. Every single time I turn on the news,
sinkhole in South America.
Copy !req
850. Bunch of South Americans
getting sucked into the ground.
Copy !req
851. - Sinkhole de Mayo.
- Sinkhole de Mayo.
Copy !req
852. That's why it's named that,
Copy !req
853. because sinkholes happen
in the summertime.
Copy !req
854. It's not wildfires.
It's not earthquakes. It's not sinkholes.
Copy !req
855. - I think I know what it is.
- Let's hear it.
Copy !req
856. I think it's the Apocalypse.
Copy !req
857. What?
Copy !req
858. I'm serious, boys.
It's all in here, in the Book of Revelations.
Copy !req
859. - You took my Bible?
- Well, just hear me out,
Copy !req
860. and you tell me that what I'm describing
isn't what's going on right now.
Copy !req
861. "And the skies shall open up,
and the light of the Lord shall shine down,"
Copy !req
862. "and those of good heart shall be brought
into my kingdom of heaven."
Copy !req
863. That's the Rapture,
those are the gigantic beams of blue light.
Copy !req
864. "And there will be a great
mountain burning in fire."
Copy !req
865. I mean, the Hollywood Hills
are literally engulfed in flames
Copy !req
866. as we sit here right now.
Copy !req
867. The Hollywood Hills ain't no mountain.
It's a hill.
Copy !req
868. Takes about 10 minutes to get across
that motherfucker with no traffic.
Copy !req
869. - Coldwater.
- I take Laurel Canyon.
Copy !req
870. - Cahuenga.
- Cahuenga.
Copy !req
871. - I usually zip down Barham.
- Boys, can I just fucking finish?
Copy !req
872. I love Laurel Canyon.
Copy !req
873. "And out of the pit
rose a great red dragon having seven heads,"
Copy !req
874. "that old serpent called the devil and Satan,"
Copy !req
875. "which deceiveth the whole world,
was released onto the earth."
Copy !req
876. I love that dude.
He's from Where the Wild Things Are.
Copy !req
877. - It's a load of bullshit.
- It's not bullshit.
Copy !req
878. Want to know something else, Jay?
Copy !req
879. If this is the end of the world,
and all the good people died,
Copy !req
880. what you're saying is
Seth, me, Jonah, Craig and Danny
Copy !req
881. are a bunch of assholes.
Copy !req
882. I'm straight-up lovable, son.
Copy !req
883. And if this really is the Apocalypse,
Copy !req
884. you're here too.
Copy !req
885. So, that means you're just
as shitty as the rest of us.
Copy !req
886. Doesn't feel too good, does it?
Copy !req
887. Hey, guys. I'm going to sleep now.
Copy !req
888. Nobody come in here and bother me.
Copy !req
889. Go fish.
Copy !req
890. Put it back inside of here.
Copy !req
891. - Do you know what it is?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
892. Now you ask me
for something that you need.
Copy !req
893. First bit.
Copy !req
894. You're not cutting it all?
Copy !req
895. That's smart. You're divvying it up first.
Copy !req
896. - This is like, Fruyère or some shit.
- That's me.
Copy !req
897. Come on, Danny!
Copy !req
898. - You licked your finger.
- Come on, man.
Copy !req
899. If they're all equal, what does it matter?
Copy !req
900. Keep your hands and fingers off.
Copy !req
901. - Seth?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
902. - Can I talk to you for a second?
- Yeah, yeah.
Copy !req
903. Yeah, no shit.
Copy !req
904. Here. Off the menu, my man.
Copy !req
905. Holy shit, man. Where did you get these?
Copy !req
906. Hey, what's cheese without a few crackers?
Know what I'm saying?
Copy !req
907. - Hide it.
- Okay.
Copy !req
908. - 'Cause we're a team.
- Okay.
Copy !req
909. Freaks forever, brother.
Copy !req
910. Let's do all the drugs.
Copy !req
911. I don't really want to.
Copy !req
912. Should have thought of that
before you drank a can full of ecstasy.
Copy !req
913. What?
Copy !req
914. Should we call Red? Get more weed?
Copy !req
915. I don't know, man. That guy's gone crazy.
Copy !req
916. Good thing I have a lot
of fucking weed for you guys.
Copy !req
917. I hooked you guys up.
Copy !req
918. Now I need you guys
to assassinate Woody Harrelson.
Copy !req
919. If pot's legalized, my business will suffer.
Copy !req
920. And if my business suffers, I suffer.
Copy !req
921. So much suffering.
Copy !req
922. All 'cause of that inbred hemp seed,
Woody Harrelson.
Copy !req
923. I have to do what's right.
Copy !req
924. Weed is for the people.
It's the people's weed.
Copy !req
925. - If you don't assassinate him...
- We already quit.
Copy !req
926. I'm gonna assassinate both of you.
Copy !req
927. - Run!
- Go!
Copy !req
928. B.F.F.F.F.F.F.F.F.F.F. forever.
Copy !req
929. B.F.F.F.F.F.F.F.F.F.F.
Copy !req
930. - Look out!
- Shit!
Copy !req
931. You're letting them get away!
Copy !req
932. I smoked weed with Steve Jobs,
Copy !req
933. and that's when he came up with the iPad.
Copy !req
934. It's pretty great.
Copy !req
935. We should make sequels
to more of our movies.
Copy !req
936. Yeah!
Copy !req
937. How 'bout we not do Your Highness 2?
Copy !req
938. - Yeah.
- Do 128 Hours.
Copy !req
939. - The beginning of the rest of your comedies.
- Looks good.
Copy !req
940. Oh, my God!
Copy !req
941. - Emma!
- It's Emma.
Copy !req
942. Oh, my God, you guys are alive.
Copy !req
943. You're actually alive. Thank God!
Copy !req
944. I hid in a drainpipe for days.
Copy !req
945. Like, three or four.
I don't even know how many.
Copy !req
946. And then I stopped hearing people,
and I started hearing growling noises.
Copy !req
947. Out there, in your travels,
Copy !req
948. did you see anything
that you would describe
Copy !req
949. as Apocalyptish?
Copy !req
950. I mean, no,
Copy !req
951. but I would say it's completely obvious
what's going on here.
Copy !req
952. I mean, it's a zombie invasion.
Copy !req
953. - Fuck!
- I'm the one who said it's been zombies.
Copy !req
954. - You said zombies?
- I said zombies the whole time.
Copy !req
955. - You said zombies?
- I don't think... You never said zombies.
Copy !req
956. Wait a second.
You guys haven't been proven right.
Copy !req
957. These are still just theories.
Copy !req
958. Honestly, I'm just so relieved
that you guys are here,
Copy !req
959. and I'm very happy
about the idea of sleeping and just...
Copy !req
960. - You tired?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
961. If you want to take a little rest,
Copy !req
962. you're welcome to do that upstairs.
Copy !req
963. - Thank you.
- Cool.
Copy !req
964. - I'll show you the way.
- Thank you.
Copy !req
965. Thanks, guys.
Seriously, you're awesome, really.
Copy !req
966. You're awesome.
Copy !req
967. So fucking tight.
Copy !req
968. We'll be right out here, okay?
Copy !req
969. Fuck are you guys doing out here?
Copy !req
970. Here's what I think we should do.
She's British, right?
Copy !req
971. She's used to eating shitty food anyway.
Copy !req
972. Let's just give her all the shitty food
that we don't want.
Copy !req
973. That's fucked up. Look how tiny she is.
Copy !req
974. She's not even a full seven.
She's, like, half a seven.
Copy !req
975. This is a fucking cool thing, man.
Copy !req
976. I, for one, am very excited.
I'm a massive Harry Potter fan.
Copy !req
977. - What?
- Yes. I love fucking Harry Potter.
Copy !req
978. I cannot wait till she wakes up and I can
ask her all these amazing questions about
Copy !req
979. how they made those motion pictures.
Copy !req
980. Take it easy, Dumbledore.
Copy !req
981. Guys, listen, listen. I think we need
to address the elephant in the room.
Copy !req
982. Jay, don't talk about Craig like that.
Copy !req
983. - That's fucked up. I'm right here, man.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
984. I'm not calling Craig an elephant.
Copy !req
985. - Wow, that's fucking weird.
- What does that even mean?
Copy !req
986. - Yeah, no.
- That's racist.
Copy !req
987. I wasn't referring to him.
Copy !req
988. I was referring to the issue
that's on all of our minds.
Copy !req
989. What?
Copy !req
990. This is one girl in a house with six males.
Copy !req
991. Yeah. Really safe.
Copy !req
992. Ideal scenario.
Copy !req
993. She's like a little sister.
Copy !req
994. I think that she needs...
Copy !req
995. It's important that she feels safe.
Copy !req
996. - Yeah.
- And comfortable.
Copy !req
997. And we should be mindful.
Copy !req
998. Who's making her not feel safe?
Copy !req
999. Well, I'm just saying, we should...
Copy !req
1000. We don't want to give off a bad vibe.
Copy !req
1001. - Vibe?
- Vibes? I ain't giving no vibes.
Copy !req
1002. Yeah, wait, what kind of vibes
are you talking about, man?
Copy !req
1003. He's talking about us giving off a rapey vibe.
Copy !req
1004. - Hey!
- What?
Copy !req
1005. - Jesus.
- Jay, what the fuck, man?
Copy !req
1006. Chill out, dude.
Copy !req
1007. - Why you putting that shit in the mix?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1008. - He fucking said it.
- You're the one saying it.
Copy !req
1009. No one here is thinking about raping anyone.
Copy !req
1010. Well, you talking about vibes
Copy !req
1011. is the only thing that's rapey
going on right now.
Copy !req
1012. Dude, nothing was rapey till
you brought up the rapey vibes.
Copy !req
1013. - Fucking one who smelt it dealt it, dawg.
- True that, dude.
Copy !req
1014. One who denies it supplies it.
Copy !req
1015. I know, it's farts, I get it.
Copy !req
1016. Guys, guys, guys.
Copy !req
1017. Jay's not rapey.
Copy !req
1018. Jay couldn't rape a fly.
Copy !req
1019. He probably could.
Copy !req
1020. Maybe we should just stop this
entire conversation right now.
Copy !req
1021. If anyone's gonna rape anyone here,
it's probably gonna be Danny.
Copy !req
1022. - What the fuck, Franco?
- What?
Copy !req
1023. Why do you think I'm gonna rape somebody?
Copy !req
1024. I'm just trying to lay it out there.
Copy !req
1025. I'm not gonna rape anyone, all right?
Copy !req
1026. If anyone's gonna rape somebody, it's Jay.
Copy !req
1027. - What?
- He came up with the rape idea.
Copy !req
1028. And his face looks like the police sketch
Copy !req
1029. - of a fucking rapist.
- True.
Copy !req
1030. What the fuck does that mean?
Copy !req
1031. If anybody's raping Emma Watson,
it's fucking Sir Rapes-a-Lot over here.
Copy !req
1032. - Chill out.
- Hey!
Copy !req
1033. Easy. Easy.
Copy !req
1034. Back the fuck up!
Copy !req
1035. - Emma.
- What's wrong?
Copy !req
1036. - Wait, what's wrong?
- What's wrong?
Copy !req
1037. I just heard you guys talking about
which one of you is gonna get to rape me.
Copy !req
1038. No, no, no, no!
Copy !req
1039. Guys, I got it. I got it.
Copy !req
1040. No. It's funny. It's funny.
Copy !req
1041. We were specifically talking
about not raping you.
Copy !req
1042. - Jesus!
- Holy shit!
Copy !req
1043. Back up!
Copy !req
1044. It's me, Jonah!
Copy !req
1045. It's me, Jonah Hill.
Copy !req
1046. America's sweetheart. J-bug, J-bone.
Copy !req
1047. - Your friend. I would never hurt you.
- Get back!
Copy !req
1048. Give me everything you have to drink!
Put it in the bag!
Copy !req
1049. There's six of us. You cannot rob us!
Copy !req
1050. I'm not fucking around!
Copy !req
1051. Give her drinks! Give her drinks!
Copy !req
1052. Put the drinks in a bag!
Copy !req
1053. - Oh, God.
- Get all the drinks in a bag!
Copy !req
1054. Hurry the fuck up!
Copy !req
1055. Okay, they're getting the drinks.
Copy !req
1056. - Put the axe down.
- Don't give the Milky Way away.
Copy !req
1057. All right, you can put the axe down now.
Copy !req
1058. Now, Franco! Shoot her face!
Copy !req
1059. Shoot her!
Copy !req
1060. I'm not gonna shoot Emma Watson!
Copy !req
1061. Look, Emma, just stay here with us.
Copy !req
1062. It's a lot safer than out there.
Copy !req
1063. Hermione just stole all of our shit.
Copy !req
1064. Little bitty-ass 20-year-old jacked us.
Copy !req
1065. And then Jay suggested that we all rape her,
and now she's gone.
Copy !req
1066. I didn't... I was just... I...
Copy !req
1067. I think the only reason why
he did that is because Jay knows
Copy !req
1068. he's about fucking two minutes away
from becoming the house bitch himself.
Copy !req
1069. So now, motherfuckers is thirsty.
Copy !req
1070. All right, guys.
Copy !req
1071. The door to the basement's out there,
around the side of the house.
Copy !req
1072. I know for sure there's at least
two jugs of water.
Copy !req
1073. Okay.
Copy !req
1074. Any volunteers?
Copy !req
1075. Does anyone want to volunteer
and go with Jay?
Copy !req
1076. What?
Copy !req
1077. I thought you said,
"Someone volunteer to go with me out there."
Copy !req
1078. I must have misheard you.
Copy !req
1079. - I'm sorry.
- You did not, you motherfucker.
Copy !req
1080. Hey, okay, ease up.
Copy !req
1081. Just chill out, dude. Just relax, man. God.
Copy !req
1082. So how we gonna decide this, fellas?
Copy !req
1083. All right, guys, it's simple.
Copy !req
1084. Whoever pulls the burnt match
has to go get the water.
Copy !req
1085. Who wants to go first?
Copy !req
1086. I'll do it.
Copy !req
1087. Craig.
Copy !req
1088. All right.
Copy !req
1089. Go ahead, brother.
Copy !req
1090. No whammies, no whammies.
Copy !req
1091. - Hey, hey.
- Yes! Yeah!
Copy !req
1092. - Fuck, yes!
- Yes!
Copy !req
1093. Fuck, yes. Fuck, yes.
Copy !req
1094. - So sorry, Craig.
- A lot of guys in here
Copy !req
1095. that I wish it was instead of you.
Copy !req
1096. You want to go best two out of three?
Copy !req
1097. If I tug, if I pull in any way,
or if you hear me screaming,
Copy !req
1098. anything, you pull me right back in, all right?
Copy !req
1099. Yeah. We'll try, man, but you're pretty heavy.
Copy !req
1100. What?
Copy !req
1101. No, I mean, I'm saying,
I just don't think it's smart
Copy !req
1102. - to make any guarantees.
- Fuck, no.
Copy !req
1103. - You promise to pull me back in.
- No, no, we're...
Copy !req
1104. - You got me?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Copy !req
1105. - We're gonna do our best.
- All right.
Copy !req
1106. - You want to do a test run?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1107. You gotta scream. Let us hear the scream.
Copy !req
1108. Pull.
Copy !req
1109. Nice. Very nice.
Copy !req
1110. Everyone thank Craig for doing this.
Copy !req
1111. - Thanks, Craig.
- Thank you, Craig.
Copy !req
1112. Go for it, Craig.
Copy !req
1113. Getting smoky in here. Go, go, go, go.
Copy !req
1114. This is fucked up.
Copy !req
1115. Goddamn.
Copy !req
1116. Smoky as fuck out here.
Copy !req
1117. Rope burn!
Copy !req
1118. Grab it, grab it, grab it!
Copy !req
1119. Oh, no, no, no, no!
Copy !req
1120. - Shit.
- Oh, no.
Copy !req
1121. Shit. Shit.
Copy !req
1122. Come on, motherfucker. Shit!
Copy !req
1123. Fuck this shit.
Copy !req
1124. Fellas, fellas! Pull me in! Pull the rope!
Copy !req
1125. - Pull me in!
- We don't have the rope any more!
Copy !req
1126. We fucking dropped it! We're sorry!
Copy !req
1127. You've got the rope, man!
Copy !req
1128. What?
Copy !req
1129. - Craig!
- What the fuck do we do?
Copy !req
1130. Craig! Craig!
Copy !req
1131. Are you okay?
Copy !req
1132. What happened, man?
Copy !req
1133. I don't know! There's something out there.
Copy !req
1134. Oh, shit!
Copy !req
1135. A knife! Somebody throw me a knife!
Copy !req
1136. I'll get it.
Copy !req
1137. - Why?
- OMG.
Copy !req
1138. Jay, I'm so sorry, bro.
Copy !req
1139. The fuck?
Copy !req
1140. Cut it! Cut it! Cut it! Cut it! Cut it!
Copy !req
1141. God! What the fuck was that?
Copy !req
1142. I don't know what the fuck that was,
but I ain't going back out there.
Copy !req
1143. Craig, you didn't even get any of the water.
Copy !req
1144. The door was fucked up.
Copy !req
1145. Damn it, this is so frustrating!
Copy !req
1146. It's so close, but so far.
Copy !req
1147. The water, it's, like, right underneath us.
Copy !req
1148. Like, right there.
Copy !req
1149. What do you mean "right underneath us"?
Copy !req
1150. Like, literally, like, right there.
Copy !req
1151. If you went right through the floor.
Copy !req
1152. Yo.
Copy !req
1153. Danny and Jonah's shift ends in ten minutes,
so our break is almost over.
Copy !req
1154. Okay.
Copy !req
1155. Let me ask you something.
Copy !req
1156. You really think this is
Copy !req
1157. the Apocalypse?
Copy !req
1158. You saw something out there, didn't you?
Copy !req
1159. All right, let's just say
for sake of argument, what if I did?
Copy !req
1160. What if this is the real shit,
right now, happening?
Copy !req
1161. What if it is, man?
We're not prepared for this.
Copy !req
1162. - What do we do? What's next?
- It says in the Bible,
Copy !req
1163. "The worthy will ascend to Heaven."
Copy !req
1164. Even if it is the Apocalypse,
it's not the end of us.
Copy !req
1165. There's still hope.
Copy !req
1166. We just have to somehow
try to prove our worthiness.
Copy !req
1167. Okay, so, you mean, like,
Copy !req
1168. like the Ten Commandments,
like, do shit unto people
Copy !req
1169. that'll do the same shit to you.
Copy !req
1170. That's a great place to start.
Copy !req
1171. You know, to just overall love.
Copy !req
1172. Just be nicer
and follow those commandments.
Copy !req
1173. Listen. We're gonna get through this.
We're gonna get through this, man.
Copy !req
1174. You know why?
'Cause we're gonna do it together.
Copy !req
1175. You promise?
Copy !req
1176. We're gonna do this.
Copy !req
1177. I hear everything.
Copy !req
1178. Who did this?
Copy !req
1179. Who did this?
Copy !req
1180. Did what? What are you talking about?
Copy !req
1181. Jizzed all over the pages
of this nice magazine
Copy !req
1182. I was nice enough to tell you about.
Copy !req
1183. Was it you, Seth?
Copy !req
1184. No.
Copy !req
1185. - No?
- It was me, Franco.
Copy !req
1186. I fucking made jizz in your magazine.
Copy !req
1187. - Why?
- When I fucking jack off
Copy !req
1188. long enough, I end up jizzing, dude.
Copy !req
1189. I'm assuming the same shit works for you?
Copy !req
1190. Real fucking smart answer!
Why don't you fucking aim, huh?
Copy !req
1191. I have a particularly explosive ejaculate.
It just goes everywhere.
Copy !req
1192. It's like a fucking wild fireman's hose.
Copy !req
1193. You just got to grab on and pray to God
it doesn't get in your eyes or your mouth.
Copy !req
1194. The fuck kind of jerking off is that?
What, you never had any brothers?
Copy !req
1195. You didn't learn to jizz in a fucking sock
or on a fucking tissue?
Copy !req
1196. No, I don't have any brothers.
I was raised in a house of women!
Copy !req
1197. I highly doubt they fucking taught you
Copy !req
1198. to fucking close your eyes
and fucking cum wherever you want!
Copy !req
1199. I mean, you're getting all worked up
over a fucking porno mag!
Copy !req
1200. Who has goddamn porno mags any more?
Copy !req
1201. Welcome to the 21st century, Buck Rogers!
Copy !req
1202. You designed a house with
fucking iPads in the walls,
Copy !req
1203. yet you're jerking your dick
like a goddamn pilgrim!
Copy !req
1204. That's right, man. I like to fucking read!
Copy !req
1205. You think that's the only thing
I jerked off in here?
Copy !req
1206. I've been dropping loads around this
fucking house like a goddamn dump truck.
Copy !req
1207. You don't cum on my stuff!
Copy !req
1208. I'll cum wherever the fuck I want, James.
I'll fucking cum in your kitchen.
Copy !req
1209. I'll cum on your fucking art.
I'll cum anywhere I want!
Copy !req
1210. I will fucking cum right on you!
Copy !req
1211. I will cum like a fucking
madman all over you, McBride!
Copy !req
1212. I fucking wish you'd cum on me right now.
I fucking dare you to cum on me!
Copy !req
1213. God!
Copy !req
1214. I'm gonna jack my dick
so fucking hard in here!
Copy !req
1215. This, no more, man.
All over your fucking face.
Copy !req
1216. This fucking all more.
All over the fucking place!
Copy !req
1217. I'll fucking cum anywhere I want!
Copy !req
1218. I'll fucking cum on these walls!
I'll cum on the fucking cabinets!
Copy !req
1219. On the fucking furniture!
I'll cum everywhere!
Copy !req
1220. If I see your dick one more time,
I'm gonna fucking shoot it off!
Copy !req
1221. You don't have enough bullets, bitch.
Copy !req
1222. No fucking jerking off in my house, McBride!
Copy !req
1223. - Come on, man.
- Fuck this.
Copy !req
1224. I'm just... I'm too thirsty to do this.
Copy !req
1225. And the fucking bitter irony is I'm not gonna
have my thirst quenched until I finish this.
Copy !req
1226. - God damn it, I hate it.
- Danny, no.
Copy !req
1227. Don't walk away.
Danny, don't walk away from me!
Copy !req
1228. It's too late, Seth.
I've already walked away too much.
Copy !req
1229. No, you haven't. You could still come back
Copy !req
1230. and just fucking turn around
and come back and help me.
Copy !req
1231. Danny?
Copy !req
1232. Daniel?
Copy !req
1233. Need a hand?
Copy !req
1234. Yeah, dude.
Copy !req
1235. Your shift just ended, man.
Copy !req
1236. You don't have to help me
if you don't want to.
Copy !req
1237. It's fine, I get it.
Copy !req
1238. The fuck else am I doing?
Copy !req
1239. I appreciate it, man. Thank you.
Copy !req
1240. - Done and done.
- That's cool.
Copy !req
1241. I don't know why I'm thinking of this,
but remember that time
Copy !req
1242. that I got you a fucking
Taco Bell gift certificate
Copy !req
1243. for, like, 20 bucks, and I bet you that
you couldn't eat all of that in one sitting.
Copy !req
1244. I do remember that. I remember thinking,
Copy !req
1245. "How much food could 20 dollars
possibly buy you at Taco Bell?"
Copy !req
1246. And the answer is infinite.
Copy !req
1247. And we went to see fucking Gladiator.
Copy !req
1248. - Yeah.
- And you sharted midway through the movie.
Copy !req
1249. - I did.
- Due to the tigers' appearance.
Copy !req
1250. - I got scared of the tigers.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1251. Literally, when the second
tiger came out, I went...
Copy !req
1252. and then I shat.
Copy !req
1253. I shat in the theatre.
Copy !req
1254. - Jesus.
- Oh, fuck.
Copy !req
1255. You guys okay?
Copy !req
1256. - I broke my ass in half.
- Here.
Copy !req
1257. Shit, they got through!
Copy !req
1258. - You guys fucking did it.
- Oh, my God.
Copy !req
1259. - Fuck. Did that hurt?
- Yes, it fucking hurt.
Copy !req
1260. I loosened this up for you,
I'll have you know.
Copy !req
1261. Okay, just shut up.
It's fucking dark down here.
Copy !req
1262. Hold on, hold on.
Copy !req
1263. Nice.
Copy !req
1264. - Okay, good. Thank you.
- What is that?
Copy !req
1265. That's Terrence Peterson.
My monkey flashlight keychain.
Copy !req
1266. Monkey flashlight keychain?
Copy !req
1267. - What's his name?
- Terrence Peterson.
Copy !req
1268. - You see it, Seth?
- No. Where...
Copy !req
1269. Are you sure it's even down here?
Copy !req
1270. Terry Pete.
Copy !req
1271. Not sure.
Copy !req
1272. Is there, is there any weird shit down here?
Copy !req
1273. Nah, it's where I keep
all my stuff from my old movies.
Copy !req
1274. Costumes, props.
Copy !req
1275. - What?
- Is someone down there?
Copy !req
1276. It's your fucking stupid
cut-out from Spider-Man 3.
Copy !req
1277. Jesus Christ.
Copy !req
1278. No shit!
Copy !req
1279. - There it is!
- Yes! Yeah!
Copy !req
1280. - What, did you find it?
- Yeah!
Copy !req
1281. Water.
Copy !req
1282. That is so fucking good.
Copy !req
1283. The two heroes over here,
breaking through the floor.
Copy !req
1284. We did break through the floor.
Copy !req
1285. Any of you guys would
have done the same thing.
Copy !req
1286. Oh, man. That fucking hurt.
Copy !req
1287. Yeah, I'm surprised you didn't shart again.
Copy !req
1288. I think I did.
Copy !req
1289. Hey, what year is this? 19...
Copy !req
1290. That's a good... That's a good year.
Copy !req
1291. Hey, hey. Yo, yo, yo!
Copy !req
1292. Whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you doing?
Copy !req
1293. What am I doing?
Copy !req
1294. Fuck, man.
Copy !req
1295. I'm just pouring myself
another glass of water
Copy !req
1296. to wash down that dry-ass
Cinnamon Toast Crunch.
Copy !req
1297. That's very nice, but you can't just
pour yourself another glass of water, man!
Copy !req
1298. Will you cut it out?
Copy !req
1299. - Yeah.
- We agreed to one glass at dinner,
Copy !req
1300. we voted on it, man.
Copy !req
1301. Well, man, I'm just getting sick and tired
of all these fucking rules, man.
Copy !req
1302. You don't see me putting rules on you guys.
Copy !req
1303. You cannot have another glass of water.
Copy !req
1304. Jay weighs 150 pounds less than me.
Copy !req
1305. Why the fuck is it fair
Copy !req
1306. that him and I should drink
the same amount of water?
Copy !req
1307. We should be dividing our rations
based on our proportionate size.
Copy !req
1308. I don't want to come off
as a diva here or anything.
Copy !req
1309. It's just that I think everyone
should split everything equally.
Copy !req
1310. "I just think that everybody
should have the fucking same."
Copy !req
1311. "I have a goddamn earring."
Shut the fuck up, Jonah!
Copy !req
1312. You know what, Danny?
Copy !req
1313. If you weren't jizzing all the time,
maybe you'd be more hydrated.
Copy !req
1314. You're making me into a joke
right now, Franco,
Copy !req
1315. and you are not gonna like
the fucking punch line.
Copy !req
1316. No more jerking off! No more water!
Just sit the fuck down!
Copy !req
1317. Okay, I'm done.
Copy !req
1318. We're not gonna have any more water.
Copy !req
1319. - Good.
- All right.
Copy !req
1320. Hey!
Copy !req
1321. Someone help me! Fucking grab it!
Copy !req
1322. What are you doing?
Copy !req
1323. You guys made this happen!
Copy !req
1324. You guys forced my fucking hand
by ganging up on me.
Copy !req
1325. God damn it, I'm gonna fucking
kill this motherfucker!
Copy !req
1326. That's what I thought. Nerd.
Copy !req
1327. All right, guys,
Copy !req
1328. let's get rid of him.
Copy !req
1329. What? What do you mean?
Copy !req
1330. Like, kick him out of the house?
Copy !req
1331. His fucking reckless behaviour
is dragging us all down.
Copy !req
1332. I mean, he wasted our water twice.
Copy !req
1333. Two times. Two times.
Copy !req
1334. Dan is under a lot of pressure. Okay?
Copy !req
1335. And he's not handling it
as good as the rest of us are.
Copy !req
1336. Look at him.
He's wearing my fucking tuxedo.
Copy !req
1337. He's been eating nonstop.
Copy !req
1338. The fucker's gained weight since he got here.
Copy !req
1339. The fucker's got to go.
Copy !req
1340. Go.
Copy !req
1341. The fucker's got to go.
Copy !req
1342. This is how you all feel?
Copy !req
1343. We talked about it.
Copy !req
1344. You guys are gonna vote me off the island?
Copy !req
1345. I mean, I made you guys breakfast.
Copy !req
1346. Shit, man, you wasted half
of our food when you did that.
Copy !req
1347. Just thought I was doing
something nice for you guys.
Copy !req
1348. Just to apologise
for my behaviour at the party.
Copy !req
1349. Party I wasn't even invited to.
Copy !req
1350. I'm not an idiot.
Copy !req
1351. I know why you guys don't fucking call me
or hang out with me any more.
Copy !req
1352. It's because I party so fucking hard.
Copy !req
1353. Always have. Ever since I was a baby.
Copy !req
1354. I wouldn't just suck on my mama's titties.
Copy !req
1355. I would fucking bang 'em and motorboat 'em.
Copy !req
1356. Everything I've been doing
has just been a cry for help.
Copy !req
1357. When I came on your magazine, James,
Copy !req
1358. it was a cum for help.
Copy !req
1359. I've just been crying and comin'
and crying and comin',
Copy !req
1360. tears from the tip of my penis, dudes.
Copy !req
1361. I'm sorry, all right?
You can cum wherever you want.
Copy !req
1362. I don't even care about coming any more.
Copy !req
1363. Right now, I'm just kind of into going.
Copy !req
1364. - Danny.
- Danny.
Copy !req
1365. - Hey.
- Come on, man.
Copy !req
1366. I fucked up.
Copy !req
1367. I'm sorry, man. Come on, look,
Copy !req
1368. - I was wrong.
- I feel like shit, man.
Copy !req
1369. I didn't want it to happen like this.
Copy !req
1370. - Let's just discuss it some more, okay?
- Yeah. Let's just talk, dude.
Copy !req
1371. We're giving you an option.
It's a choice, man.
Copy !req
1372. There's nothing to figure out, all right?
Copy !req
1373. You guys have said enough,
and there's no going back any more.
Copy !req
1374. I don't know if there maybe is, like,
something you guys could give me
Copy !req
1375. so I could at least have some sort of
protection while I'm out there.
Copy !req
1376. Danny, you don't have to do this.
Copy !req
1377. - Yeah, man.
- All right,
Copy !req
1378. if you're really leaving
Copy !req
1379. then you should take this.
Copy !req
1380. Really?
Copy !req
1381. You don't know what's out there.
Copy !req
1382. Thank you, James.
Copy !req
1383. It means a lot to you,
and I appreciate that you'd give this to me,
Copy !req
1384. you stupid, stupid motherfucker!
Copy !req
1385. Fucking psychopath. It's a prop gun!
Copy !req
1386. What, do you think
I'd put real bullets in here?
Copy !req
1387. You were gonna send me out there
with a fucking gun
Copy !req
1388. - filled with blanks?
- Fuck you!
Copy !req
1389. Don't turn this around on us.
Copy !req
1390. You just tried to shoot us,
you fucking dickhead!
Copy !req
1391. Fucking murdering motherfucker!
Copy !req
1392. Whatever.
Fucking civilisation is broken down.
Copy !req
1393. There's no more reason
for this false bullshit.
Copy !req
1394. You guys act like you're
so fucking high and mighty,
Copy !req
1395. like you've never made
a goddamn mistake before.
Copy !req
1396. Franco, you're just
a pretentious fucking nerd.
Copy !req
1397. Fuck you.
Copy !req
1398. And, Jonah,
Copy !req
1399. you fucking cunt.
Copy !req
1400. Craig, you didn't have my back, back there.
Copy !req
1401. - You fuckin' disappoint me.
- Bro.
Copy !req
1402. And, Seth, you duplicitous taint.
Copy !req
1403. - What?
- Then of course, there's Jay,
Copy !req
1404. the self-righteous,
cock-sucking, two-faced backstabber.
Copy !req
1405. What the fuck are you talking about?
Copy !req
1406. I overheard your little
conversation with Craig, all right?
Copy !req
1407. The only reason
why you care about any of us is
Copy !req
1408. because you think
that's what God wants you to do.
Copy !req
1409. You don't give a shit about us.
Copy !req
1410. No, no, no, no,
Copy !req
1411. that's fucking twisting that shit...
You're fucking lying.
Copy !req
1412. Am I twisting this?
Copy !req
1413. I believe you were in Los Angeles
two months ago, at the Four Seasons.
Copy !req
1414. I saw you there, and you specifically
asked me not to tell Seth,
Copy !req
1415. so that you could maintain the illusion
that you always stay with Seth
Copy !req
1416. when you're in Los Angeles.
Copy !req
1417. Jay.
Copy !req
1418. - Fuck, man.
- It's not...
Copy !req
1419. Textbook twattage.
Copy !req
1420. And just for the record, you guys,
Copy !req
1421. I'm choosing to leave,
you're not kicking me out.
Copy !req
1422. You guys had already said that
I could come back in
Copy !req
1423. and I'm the one who said
that I'm not coming back in.
Copy !req
1424. Don't be cocky.
Copy !req
1425. Get the fuck out of here.
Copy !req
1426. Is that true?
Copy !req
1427. Yes.
Copy !req
1428. Jay...
Copy !req
1429. I know this is probably my fault
because I put you on a pedestal,
Copy !req
1430. but you should not be
dishonest with your friends.
Copy !req
1431. But you really let me down.
Copy !req
1432. - Hey! Whoa!
- Jay, damn, man.
Copy !req
1433. - Fucker.
- What the hell?
Copy !req
1434. It's all fucked, isn't it?
Copy !req
1435. - Jonah, you okay?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1436. Bleeding?
Copy !req
1437. Yeah.
Copy !req
1438. His insides hurt worse than my outsides.
Copy !req
1439. Dear God,
Copy !req
1440. I'd like to pray to You for a second.
Copy !req
1441. It's me, Jonah Hill.
Copy !req
1442. From Moneyball.
Copy !req
1443. I hate Jay so fucking much.
Copy !req
1444. I think he might be the worst person
you ever created.
Copy !req
1445. I don't want to judge You, but...
Copy !req
1446. What's up? What were You thinking that day?
Copy !req
1447. I love Seth, I love being his friend,
he's an awesome guy,
Copy !req
1448. but it's like Jay is the last connection
to his shitty, weird Canadian life.
Copy !req
1449. Just do me one favour, God.
Copy !req
1450. Just kill Jay.
Copy !req
1451. That'd be so tight.
Copy !req
1452. Stop, man.
Copy !req
1453. Seriously, Craig, stop.
Copy !req
1454. Your nails are sharp.
Copy !req
1455. This is no dream!
Copy !req
1456. This is really happening!
Copy !req
1457. No!
Copy !req
1458. Something not that chill happened last night.
Copy !req
1459. Yo, so, I just drank
my own pee for the first time.
Copy !req
1460. And it ain't bad. I never thought to do it.
Copy !req
1461. I always thought, you know,
pee stink, whatever, but...
Copy !req
1462. I think we all remember how this works.
Copy !req
1463. Whoever gets the burnt match
has to go to one of Franco's
Copy !req
1464. neighbours' houses,
get us some food and some water.
Copy !req
1465. No-ho-ho. No, I'm not going first.
Copy !req
1466. - I'll go first.
- Thank you.
Copy !req
1467. Very mature of you. Thank you.
Copy !req
1468. Yes!
Copy !req
1469. Sorry.
Copy !req
1470. Good job.
Copy !req
1471. You okay, Jonah?
Copy !req
1472. What's that?
Copy !req
1473. You okay?
Copy !req
1474. Yeah. Just bad sleep. Crazy dream.
Copy !req
1475. Here, Jonah.
Copy !req
1476. Jonah.
Copy !req
1477. - Okay.
- Shit.
Copy !req
1478. Craigers, you feeling lucky?
Copy !req
1479. Will history repeat itself?
Copy !req
1480. Thank you.
Copy !req
1481. You got this, dawg.
Copy !req
1482. Seth! No! Not you!
Copy !req
1483. I'm not going.
Copy !req
1484. - What?
- I'm not going.
Copy !req
1485. I'm bowing out. I'm declining to go.
Copy !req
1486. - What?
- Let me break it down for you.
Copy !req
1487. I'm not fucking going.
Copy !req
1488. You are definitely going.
Tell him he's fucking going.
Copy !req
1489. Tell you what, why don't you
fucking go, Mr Self-Righteous?
Copy !req
1490. You're constantly saying what assholes
we are, how good you are.
Copy !req
1491. You go get us some fuckin' water.
Copy !req
1492. I will go.
Copy !req
1493. Because I have
Copy !req
1494. - something called honour.
- Fuck, fuck, fuck.
Copy !req
1495. That's good. Yeah, you're very honourable.
Copy !req
1496. I'll go with you, Jay.
Copy !req
1497. Really?
Copy !req
1498. Is it because of our pact upstairs?
Copy !req
1499. Nah, 'cause you got them skinny-ass arms.
Copy !req
1500. You couldn't carry enough to feed a hamster.
Copy !req
1501. It's working.
Copy !req
1502. Let's get that money.
Copy !req
1503. Let's do it.
Copy !req
1504. Yo. Out and to the left.
Copy !req
1505. Bye.
Copy !req
1506. Oh, my God.
Copy !req
1507. What?
Copy !req
1508. That's so sad.
Copy !req
1509. Innocence lost.
Copy !req
1510. What is that?
Copy !req
1511. Fire.
Copy !req
1512. There's, like, fire everywhere.
Copy !req
1513. Damn it!
Copy !req
1514. Hey, hey!
Copy !req
1515. Fuck, yeah. Let's go, let's go, let's go.
Copy !req
1516. - Hello?
- Shut the fuck up!
Copy !req
1517. - What?
- You yelling that shit for?
Copy !req
1518. - We got to find out...
- Don't yell no more, man.
Copy !req
1519. Crack you in the head with this frying pan.
Copy !req
1520. Okay. So we should probably split up,
cover more ground.
Copy !req
1521. What you think this is, Scooby-Doo?
Copy !req
1522. We're gonna go in there,
we're gonna find the kitchen,
Copy !req
1523. and get as much shit as we can, together!
Copy !req
1524. Then we're getting the fuck out of here.
Copy !req
1525. - All right, all right.
- All right?
Copy !req
1526. Hey.
Copy !req
1527. Hey.
Copy !req
1528. What are you doing?
Copy !req
1529. That should be me out there.
I totally fucked those guys.
Copy !req
1530. Fuck was that?
Copy !req
1531. - Oh, fuck!
- Is he okay?
Copy !req
1532. Dude! Jonah!
Copy !req
1533. What the fuck? What do we do?
Copy !req
1534. - Do you know first aid or anything?
- No.
Copy !req
1535. - Jonah!
- I suck at first aid.
Copy !req
1536. - Are you okay? Shit!
- Jonah?
Copy !req
1537. Oh, no. Low blood sugar. LBS.
Copy !req
1538. - LBS!
- He's having an LBS episode!
Copy !req
1539. - I'll get the Milky Way!
- You get the Milky Way!
Copy !req
1540. Jay.
Copy !req
1541. Jonah, stay with me! Stay with me.
Copy !req
1542. I got it, I got it, I got it, got it,
open his mouth.
Copy !req
1543. - It's your friend, Seth.
- Open his mouth.
Copy !req
1544. Open his mouth. Open his mouth.
I'll get this in there.
Copy !req
1545. - Okay, okay.
- Shove it right in there.
Copy !req
1546. Jonah. Milky Way, Jonah.
Copy !req
1547. - You love the Milky Way.
- Yummy, yum.
Copy !req
1548. It's not fucking working, man!
Copy !req
1549. - What the fuck!
- How do we get it in there?
Copy !req
1550. Chew it up, chew it up and spit
in his mouth like a baby bird.
Copy !req
1551. - You just swallowed it, man.
- It's so good.
Copy !req
1552. Give me a bite.
Copy !req
1553. The second it hits your mouth is,
like, amazing.
Copy !req
1554. - Okay.
- Open it.
Copy !req
1555. What the fuck was that?
Copy !req
1556. - That's Hebrew.
- That's not Hebrew.
Copy !req
1557. It's fuckin' Latin or something like that.
Copy !req
1558. I went to Hebrew school for six years.
That's not Hebrew.
Copy !req
1559. You will drown in a river of blood.
Copy !req
1560. The End of Days is here.
Copy !req
1561. You will quiver
in the shadow of Kingdom Come.
Copy !req
1562. Judgement Day is upon you.
Copy !req
1563. The Apocalypse is nigh!
Copy !req
1564. Hey, I think that's all it could fit.
Copy !req
1565. Man, let's take this back to Franco's,
get the fuck out of here.
Copy !req
1566. What are we going back for?
Copy !req
1567. What are you talking about?
Copy !req
1568. In theory, we could just fuckin' stay here.
Copy !req
1569. And here, you don't have to sleep
in a friggin' tent under a dick.
Copy !req
1570. - I like my dick tent.
- I'm just saying,
Copy !req
1571. we could build a life here together, Craig.
I'd be really good to you.
Copy !req
1572. All I know is I'm scared as hell,
and I just want to get back to our friends.
Copy !req
1573. Yeah, but they're not my friends.
Copy !req
1574. Seth is your friend.
Copy !req
1575. We've been growing apart for years.
Copy !req
1576. That's why I didn't stay
with him last time I was here.
Copy !req
1577. And I stayed with him
this time to try and salvage it,
Copy !req
1578. but clearly that didn't work out.
Copy !req
1579. Jay, like it or not,
Copy !req
1580. those assholes are all we got.
Copy !req
1581. - Did you hear that?
- Yeah, that was a creek.
Copy !req
1582. What is that?
Copy !req
1583. What is that? Is that bile?
Copy !req
1584. I don't know. It's cold.
Copy !req
1585. Sniff it.
Copy !req
1586. No. You sniff it.
Copy !req
1587. - What?
- It smells like puke.
Copy !req
1588. Don't get it on me!
Copy !req
1589. - It's in my eyes!
- Dude!
Copy !req
1590. - It's in my mouth!
- He's gone!
Copy !req
1591. - Where is he?
- He's fucking gone!
Copy !req
1592. Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!
Copy !req
1593. Please, God! Jesus, Jesus!
Copy !req
1594. Fuck.
Copy !req
1595. - Jonah!
- Jonah!
Copy !req
1596. Jonah, stop this!
Copy !req
1597. - Please!
- Jonah, where the fuck are you?
Copy !req
1598. Why did you vomit on us!
Copy !req
1599. Bad Jonah! Stop!
Copy !req
1600. Stop eating him!
Copy !req
1601. Watch out! He's super strong!
Copy !req
1602. Shit!
Copy !req
1603. What is happen...
Copy !req
1604. Oh, no!
Copy !req
1605. I'm gonna tittie-fuck you, Seth.
Copy !req
1606. Don't tittie-fuck me!
Copy !req
1607. What are they, big B's or small C's?
Copy !req
1608. I'm gonna push your titties together.
Copy !req
1609. Push 'em together!
Copy !req
1610. I'll get you something to help!
Copy !req
1611. - I'll pass you something!
- Okay, pass it to me.
Copy !req
1612. Fuck! Shit!
Copy !req
1613. Seth!
Copy !req
1614. We're getting crazy!
Copy !req
1615. Come on! Come on!
Copy !req
1616. Jesus, open, God damn you, open!
Copy !req
1617. No, no, no, no.
Copy !req
1618. Jesus...
Copy !req
1619. Oh, fuck.
Copy !req
1620. - We gotta hide. We gotta hide.
- I know!
Copy !req
1621. - He's coming! He's coming!
- I know he's coming!
Copy !req
1622. I don't know what the fuck to do!
Copy !req
1623. I don't know...
Copy !req
1624. Where are you going?
Copy !req
1625. Shit.
Copy !req
1626. - Please go away.
- He's sniffing.
Copy !req
1627. I'm so scared, James.
Copy !req
1628. Be quiet.
Copy !req
1629. - You're breathing really loud.
- Am I?
Copy !req
1630. - Don't breathe through your mouth.
- Okay.
Copy !req
1631. - Now you're doing loud nose breathing.
- Am I?
Copy !req
1632. I don't know where else to breathe from.
Copy !req
1633. - Is that...
- Seth.
Copy !req
1634. Oh, shit. Don't move.
Copy !req
1635. Shit, he's coming right this way. Oh, shit.
Copy !req
1636. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.
Copy !req
1637. Get out of my way! Move! Move!
Copy !req
1638. Fuck!
Copy !req
1639. You okay?
Copy !req
1640. Come on!
Copy !req
1641. - Let's go. Let's go.
- Okay. Okay. Okay.
Copy !req
1642. What the fuck! What are you doing?
Copy !req
1643. - What are you doing?
- What are you doing?
Copy !req
1644. There's a fuckin' demon chasing us!
Copy !req
1645. - A demon?
- Demon?
Copy !req
1646. - What the fuck happened to you guys?
- That!
Copy !req
1647. - It's Jonah!
- He's possessed!
Copy !req
1648. He's crazy!
Copy !req
1649. Oh, fuck! You brained him.
Copy !req
1650. Is that... I was supposed to do that, right?
Copy !req
1651. Yeah.
Copy !req
1652. Motherfucker.
Copy !req
1653. - Fasten!
- Hurry!
Copy !req
1654. - Fasten, God damn you, bastard!
- He's gonna be fuckin'
Copy !req
1655. bad news when he wakes up!
Copy !req
1656. He's fuckin' strong.
Copy !req
1657. - My side's good.
- Oh, shit!
Copy !req
1658. All right, I'll fuckin' hit him.
Copy !req
1659. - Fuck! Come on, come on!
- Okay!
Copy !req
1660. This shit's cray cray, guys.
Copy !req
1661. I mean, it's, like, the real, like Apocalypse.
Copy !req
1662. It's, like, the Book of Revelations,
like that means there's a God.
Copy !req
1663. Right?
Copy !req
1664. I haven't led my life as though there's a God
this whole time.
Copy !req
1665. Who fuckin' saw that coming?
That there's actually a God?
Copy !req
1666. I'd say 95% of the planet.
Copy !req
1667. Jesus fucking Christ, man.
Copy !req
1668. You might want to stay away
from saying that.
Copy !req
1669. "Jesus fucking Christ"? Why?
Copy !req
1670. - Why can't I say that?
- One of the Ten Commandments.
Copy !req
1671. "Thou shall not take
the name of the Lord thy God in vain."
Copy !req
1672. Jesus isn't the name of the Lord.
Copy !req
1673. God is name of the Lord.
Copy !req
1674. Jesus, God, it's all the same.
Copy !req
1675. - It's the Trinity.
- Father, Son, Holy Ghost.
Copy !req
1676. It's like Neapolitan ice cream.
Copy !req
1677. I don't even know what
the fucking Commandments are.
Copy !req
1678. Guys, I think this is sort of bullshit,
because we're all good people.
Copy !req
1679. I can look at each one of you in the eye,
I know you're good.
Copy !req
1680. - I'm good.
- We're four actors.
Copy !req
1681. We bring joy to people's lives.
Copy !req
1682. Yeah, but we don't do it for free.
Copy !req
1683. We get paid handsomely,
much higher than the average profession.
Copy !req
1684. It's not like it was just handed to any of us.
We've worked really hard to be here.
Copy !req
1685. Yeah, pretend like it's hot when it's cold.
Copy !req
1686. You sitting on the beach, it's freezing,
Copy !req
1687. you in your drawers,
talking about something, everybody's surfing.
Copy !req
1688. I think God might have just fucked up,
Copy !req
1689. made a mistake,
and left us behind by accident.
Copy !req
1690. I mean, He's got a lot of shit on His plate.
Copy !req
1691. It's not an oversight,
it's not a mistake, okay?
Copy !req
1692. We got to face facts.
Copy !req
1693. We're here,
and there's a reason we're all here.
Copy !req
1694. Why are you so sure?
Copy !req
1695. I've done things, man. I...
Copy !req
1696. I gouged a man's eyeballs out.
Copy !req
1697. - What the...
- Fuck off.
Copy !req
1698. - Craig.
- Well, I was a kid, man.
Copy !req
1699. It was a fuckin' bar fight.
Copy !req
1700. It was a bad Foosball game.
Copy !req
1701. He said I didn't call spinneys,
and I fuckin' called spinneys.
Copy !req
1702. He got all in my face,
and I smashed a bottle across his face,
Copy !req
1703. and the first eyeball was an accident,
Copy !req
1704. but then I was, like, fuck it,
and I went for the second one.
Copy !req
1705. It was fucked up. But you know what?
Copy !req
1706. That shit happens. I'm saying, that's...
I think that's why I'm here.
Copy !req
1707. I got to admit something.
Copy !req
1708. I...
Copy !req
1709. I fucked Lindsay Lohan.
Copy !req
1710. She was fucked up. She was high.
Copy !req
1711. It was at the Chateau Marmont,
and she kept banging on my door.
Copy !req
1712. She kept calling me Jake Gyllenhaal.
Copy !req
1713. That's fucked up.
Copy !req
1714. Yeah, I said,
"Call me the Prince of Persia."
Copy !req
1715. See, that's what I'm saying, man.
We've all done bad shit, you know?
Copy !req
1716. We've done more bad shit
than good in our lives, and
Copy !req
1717. it's time to pay the piper.
Copy !req
1718. Whoa, shit!
Copy !req
1719. Something's wrong.
Copy !req
1720. God did this.
Copy !req
1721. He gave us light, and then He took it away.
Copy !req
1722. You hear that?
Copy !req
1723. It's the soundtrack of us going insane.
Copy !req
1724. Damn, I wish there was something
we could do to help him.
Copy !req
1725. I know what we can do.
Copy !req
1726. The fuckin' stench.
Copy !req
1727. Jonah Hill?
Copy !req
1728. Jonah?
Copy !req
1729. Jonah Hill.
Copy !req
1730. Jonah Hill is no more.
Copy !req
1731. Demon?
Copy !req
1732. Yes?
Copy !req
1733. Fuck. That's not good.
Copy !req
1734. That's not good.
Copy !req
1735. Jay, you fool.
Copy !req
1736. I say unto thee,
Copy !req
1737. the power of Christ compels you!
Copy !req
1738. Does it? Does it compel me?
Copy !req
1739. The power of Christ compels you!
Copy !req
1740. - Does it, Jay?
- The power of Christ compels you!
Copy !req
1741. Is the power of Christ compelling me?
Is that what's happening?
Copy !req
1742. The power of Christ compels you!
Copy !req
1743. Guess what? It's not that compelling.
Copy !req
1744. Jay, you serious right now?
Copy !req
1745. That's your fuckin' plan?
You're gonna repeat lines from The Exorcist?
Copy !req
1746. I would assume
they did their fuckin' research.
Copy !req
1747. - It's a movie!
- It's a manual.
Copy !req
1748. It's a fuckin' training manual.
Copy !req
1749. I say unto thee,
Copy !req
1750. the power of Christ compels you!
Copy !req
1751. The power of Christ compels you!
Copy !req
1752. The power of Christ compels you!
Copy !req
1753. Geez, it hurts a little bit.
It's, like, this little sting.
Copy !req
1754. The power of Christ compels you!
Copy !req
1755. - Seriously, fuck off.
- The power of Christ compels you!
Copy !req
1756. Jay?
Copy !req
1757. - The power of Christ compels you!
- Holy shit!
Copy !req
1758. - You're pissing him off, man.
- Just stop it!
Copy !req
1759. - Jay!
- The power of Christ compels you!
Copy !req
1760. - The power of...
- Get the fuck down!
Copy !req
1761. - Don't fucking push me, asshole!
- Geez, man!
Copy !req
1762. - Easy!
- Fuck you!
Copy !req
1763. - You're a fucking asshole, you liar!
- Still?
Copy !req
1764. - Yes. Still? Yes.
- Guys, guys, we got a possessed guy here!
Copy !req
1765. Do we have to argue about this right now?
Copy !req
1766. - Let 'em fight.
- We got an exorcism to finish. Hello?
Copy !req
1767. Do you want to know
why I didn't stay with you?
Copy !req
1768. - Yeah.
- You fuckin' changed.
Copy !req
1769. You're a fuckin' sell-out.
Copy !req
1770. You did fuckin' sell out. Everyone says.
Copy !req
1771. At least I did change!
Copy !req
1772. You act like
you're fucking 18 years old still, Jay!
Copy !req
1773. Grow up, Jay. That's why he's yelling at you.
Copy !req
1774. You've been holding me back
this whole time!
Copy !req
1775. That means fuck you.
Copy !req
1776. Come on, guys! Come on!
Copy !req
1777. Fuck you, you piece of shit!
Copy !req
1778. Everybody, out!
Copy !req
1779. Craig, stop 'em!
Copy !req
1780. - Get apart!
- Now it's on.
Copy !req
1781. Yo! What the fuck is all this, Franco?
Copy !req
1782. Looks like food. How'd that get there?
Copy !req
1783. What? You have more food?
Copy !req
1784. You knew he had extra food?
Copy !req
1785. Yeah, he gave me one cracker.
Copy !req
1786. I would have sucked a dick for half a cracker.
Copy !req
1787. All right, well, maybe I didn't want you
to suck my dick, all right?
Copy !req
1788. - Look...
- I didn't want to suck it!
Copy !req
1789. - That's the point of what I said!
- It was my fucking food!
Copy !req
1790. - Guys, guys, guys, fire!
- Boys, boys, boys...
Copy !req
1791. - Shit!
- Jonah's on fire!
Copy !req
1792. Put it out!
Copy !req
1793. Use your mouth! Put it out!
Copy !req
1794. Go, go, go, go, go!
Copy !req
1795. - Where is he? Where is he?
- Where is he?
Copy !req
1796. Go, go, go!
Copy !req
1797. Go, go, go, go, go!
Copy !req
1798. Go, get outside!
Copy !req
1799. - Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!
- Go, go on!
Copy !req
1800. Come on, hurry up, he's coming!
Copy !req
1801. He's coming!
Copy !req
1802. Watch out, watch out!
Copy !req
1803. Oh, my fortress!
Copy !req
1804. Boys, I just want to point out,
Copy !req
1805. we're out in the open now.
Copy !req
1806. - Oh, fuck.
- Shit, shit, shit.
Copy !req
1807. - Oh, shit.
- Hey, hey, hey.
Copy !req
1808. - My Prius.
- Yeah!
Copy !req
1809. - Yeah!
- Yes!
Copy !req
1810. What is that?
Copy !req
1811. No fucking way.
Copy !req
1812. We're screwed!
Copy !req
1813. We're totally screwed, guys.
Copy !req
1814. I got this.
Copy !req
1815. - What?
- I'll distract the thing.
Copy !req
1816. I'll run over there screaming and shit,
Copy !req
1817. and that should give you enough time
to get to the garage.
Copy !req
1818. Well, yeah, but that thing can kill you.
Copy !req
1819. Maybe I deserve it.
I've been shitty my whole life.
Copy !req
1820. Being selfish, only doing shit for me.
Copy !req
1821. Maybe it's only right that the last thing I do
Copy !req
1822. on this planet isn't for me.
Copy !req
1823. It's for you guys.
Copy !req
1824. Craig, you don't have to do that.
Copy !req
1825. Thank you very much, Craig.
Copy !req
1826. - I appreciate that.
- You spineless...
Copy !req
1827. I love you guys.
Copy !req
1828. You're my best friends.
Copy !req
1829. You're a real mensch, Craig.
Copy !req
1830. See you on the other side.
Copy !req
1831. Hey, hey, asshole! Hey, come on!
Copy !req
1832. Pickle dick, demonic-looking motherfucker.
Copy !req
1833. Nobody's scared of you.
You ain't a raccoon!
Copy !req
1834. Yeah, bring your ass, bitch!
Copy !req
1835. Nobody's scared of you!
I'm Craig fucking Robinson!
Copy !req
1836. Yeah.
Copy !req
1837. - What's he gonna do?
- Craig.
Copy !req
1838. I hope you like big dick, motherfucker,
'cause I'm about to fuck you raw!
Copy !req
1839. For the last goddamn time!
Copy !req
1840. Take your panties off!
Copy !req
1841. Fuck, yeah!
Copy !req
1842. It worked.
Copy !req
1843. What's happening?
Copy !req
1844. Craig! Craig!
Copy !req
1845. Holy shit, do you guys
realise what this means?
Copy !req
1846. That Craig was an angel this whole time?
Copy !req
1847. - No, no, it means we can still be saved.
- No, no.
Copy !req
1848. I don't fucking get it,
why does Craig get saved? I mean...
Copy !req
1849. Craig sacrificed himself for us,
which means that there's still hope.
Copy !req
1850. - That means we can be redeemed.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1851. It means that if we're
actually nice to each other,
Copy !req
1852. we can get sucked up into Heaven, too.
That's the deal.
Copy !req
1853. All right, I got it, let's just head out
Copy !req
1854. - to my place in Malibu.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1855. Just survive long enough
until we do enough good things
Copy !req
1856. and they accumulate
or do enough sacrifices,
Copy !req
1857. and we'll all go to Heaven together.
Copy !req
1858. That's a great idea, James.
Copy !req
1859. Seriously, really, really good idea.
Copy !req
1860. Really, you're such a smart guy.
Copy !req
1861. Thanks, Seth, you're such a nice guy.
Copy !req
1862. You got a great smile.
Copy !req
1863. - Thanks, man.
- And an awesome laugh.
Copy !req
1864. - I've heard it's annoying.
- How about that Jay back there, man?
Copy !req
1865. - Dude, Jay, you kidding me? Come on.
- Come on.
Copy !req
1866. - One of a kind.
- Get out of here.
Copy !req
1867. You got a cool body. You can walk around
with your shirt off anytime.
Copy !req
1868. It's not working, this isn't working.
Copy !req
1869. What, you thought we would be
Raptured already?
Copy !req
1870. I thought it would happen already.
Copy !req
1871. No, we've just been talking nice.
Copy !req
1872. Talking nice doesn't get you into Heaven.
Copy !req
1873. Doesn't hurt to smile...
Copy !req
1874. What the fuck?
Copy !req
1875. You guys okay?
Copy !req
1876. - Oh, shit.
- Christ.
Copy !req
1877. - Franco!
- Come on!
Copy !req
1878. Yo, cut his fucking head off!
Copy !req
1879. What's going on?
Copy !req
1880. No!
Copy !req
1881. - Stop!
- No!
Copy !req
1882. - Danny?
- What the fuck?
Copy !req
1883. - You guys are still alive?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1884. Holy shit, I didn't expect that.
Copy !req
1885. Fuck out here.
Copy !req
1886. Get...
Copy !req
1887. - Shit, I can't believe you guys are here.
- Oh, Jesus.
Copy !req
1888. That's fucking crazy,
and your timing couldn't be more perfect.
Copy !req
1889. It's been a long time
since any of us have eaten,
Copy !req
1890. and you three gentlemen look delicious.
Copy !req
1891. - What does that have to do with us?
- The fuck are you talking about?
Copy !req
1892. I'm a cannibal, hombre.
Copy !req
1893. We're gonna fucking eat your ass.
Copy !req
1894. Fuck you, you can't eat us. Fuck that, man.
Copy !req
1895. I do whatever the fuck I want, when I want.
Copy !req
1896. I butt-fucked this dude.
Copy !req
1897. See that?
Copy !req
1898. I fucking slide right in that shit.
Copy !req
1899. I do whatever I want. This is my gimp.
Copy !req
1900. Channing, introduce yourself.
Copy !req
1901. Hey, what's up, guys?
Copy !req
1902. Y'all cool?
Copy !req
1903. That's Channing Tatum.
Copy !req
1904. That's Channing Tatum, dude.
What the fuck?
Copy !req
1905. Channing fucking Tatum.
I found him wandering on the freeway.
Copy !req
1906. I collected him, made him my bitch.
Get off my dick.
Copy !req
1907. I call him Channing Tate-yum.
Copy !req
1908. - Hard-core, man.
- I got him trained good.
Copy !req
1909. Watch, he does tricks. Wait, shake hands.
Copy !req
1910. - All right, Seth.
- Fucking roll over.
Copy !req
1911. - I'm gonna create a diversion.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1912. - You and Jay make a run for it.
- What?
Copy !req
1913. Danny's gonna eat you.
Copy !req
1914. Listen, full-on sacrifice for you, dawg,
Copy !req
1915. - like the ending to Pineapple 2.
- Yeah, lick that.
Copy !req
1916. - That's Channing fucking Tatum, dawg.
- I love him.
Copy !req
1917. That's fucking G.I. Joe, dude.
Fucking loves me.
Copy !req
1918. Danny! We're friends!
You can't eat us!
Copy !req
1919. I'd love to catch up,
but we're fucking starving, so let's eat!
Copy !req
1920. Fuck you!
Copy !req
1921. Run!
Copy !req
1922. Eat this!
Copy !req
1923. Shit, fuck! Get him!
Copy !req
1924. - Who wants it, you piece of shit?
- Man, we should go back.
Copy !req
1925. - We should go back and help him.
- We should go back.
Copy !req
1926. Fucking Rapture.
Copy !req
1927. - Holy shit!
- It worked!
Copy !req
1928. What the fuck?
Copy !req
1929. Go to hell, McBride!
Copy !req
1930. Fuck you!
Copy !req
1931. Suck my dick!
Copy !req
1932. - Oh, shit.
- What happened?
Copy !req
1933. What did I do? Take me back!
Copy !req
1934. - What did I do?
- I'll tell you what happened, Franco.
Copy !req
1935. You don't get to get sucked up into Heaven
'cause you were being petty. Tom Petty.
Copy !req
1936. You may not have invited me to your party,
Copy !req
1937. - but you're the guest of honour at mine.
- What?
Copy !req
1938. How fucking crazy is this?
Copy !req
1939. Seth, Jay!
Copy !req
1940. Oh, shit, they're running after us.
Copy !req
1941. Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Run.
Copy !req
1942. Bring them to me!
Copy !req
1943. - Fuck.
- Get 'em!
Copy !req
1944. Got to get Rogen.
Copy !req
1945. Over here.
Copy !req
1946. - What? Over here, over here.
- Here. What?
Copy !req
1947. Shit, shit.
Copy !req
1948. They're around here somewhere.
Copy !req
1949. They kept running, you fucking idiots.
Copy !req
1950. Shit, are they still there?
Copy !req
1951. - I think they're gone.
- Are they gone?
Copy !req
1952. - Oh, my God.
- Why did Franco flip off Danny?
Copy !req
1953. Why did he have to do that, man?
Copy !req
1954. - He was in the clear.
- That is textbook.
Copy !req
1955. Vanity or...
Copy !req
1956. - Is it vanity?
- Vanity or envy.
Copy !req
1957. Is it envy or wrath?
Copy !req
1958. - It's any of them, man.
- You can't do that.
Copy !req
1959. It's being a sore winner, is what it is,
Copy !req
1960. - more than anything.
- That's exactly what it is.
Copy !req
1961. - You can't be a sore winner.
- No.
Copy !req
1962. Well, this is another fine mess
we found ourselves in.
Copy !req
1963. Fuck.
Copy !req
1964. Listen, Jay...
Copy !req
1965. Oh, shit.
Copy !req
1966. Get out of here, let's get out of here.
Copy !req
1967. You've got to be fucking shitting me!
Copy !req
1968. - Oh, my God.
- Oh, no.
Copy !req
1969. - Oh, my God.
- Oh, no.
Copy !req
1970. - That thing's big.
- Holy shit.
Copy !req
1971. It's so big.
Copy !req
1972. Oh, man. Oh, Jesus.
Copy !req
1973. - We're gonna die, man.
- Okay.
Copy !req
1974. Okay, we're gonna die.
Copy !req
1975. - Jesus!
- Oh, no!
Copy !req
1976. - Shit.
- Listen to me, man.
Copy !req
1977. I'm a fucking idiot. I put myself up.
Copy !req
1978. I'm self-righteous.
Copy !req
1979. - I think I'm better than you.
- No, no.
Copy !req
1980. I was resistant to change.
Copy !req
1981. - No.
- I should have grown with you.
Copy !req
1982. I should have changed with you.
We should have changed together.
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1983. I didn't like what I became
so I hated what you became.
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1984. It's fine, man. It's fine.
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1985. - I love you, Seth, fucking love you, buddy.
- I love you, man.
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1986. - I always loved you.
- Let's die together, man.
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1987. - Let's die together.
- I love you, Jay.
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1988. - Holy shit, Jay, all right!
- Yeah, we did it!
Copy !req
1989. I'm not getting sucked up into Heaven!
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1990. What do you mean? Why not?
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1991. I don't know why not!
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1992. Take my hand!
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1993. Okay, take me with you, Jay!
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1994. I'll take you with me.
Copy !req
1995. Yeah!
Copy !req
1996. - Yeah!
- It's working!
Copy !req
1997. Yeah!
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1998. Oh, no! He sees us!
Copy !req
1999. He can't touch us!
Copy !req
2000. We're in a force field!
Copy !req
2001. Oh, shit! Shit!
Copy !req
2002. It's not gonna take me with you!
Copy !req
2003. We're going down!
Copy !req
2004. Keep holding on
and you'll get pulled up, too!
Copy !req
2005. It's not! No, I won't, man!
Copy !req
2006. I don't deserve to.
Copy !req
2007. Fuck.
Copy !req
2008. I'm gonna let go, Jay.
Copy !req
2009. You'll die!
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2010. I know, but you won't.
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2011. No!
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2012. I don't deserve to go to Heaven, but you do.
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2013. You do, okay?
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2014. We're both gonna die if I don't let go.
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2015. I'm not gonna hold you back any more.
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2016. No!
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2017. Yeah!
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2018. Come, hold my hand, buddy!
Copy !req
2019. Hold my hand!
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2020. - Yeah!
- You did it!
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2021. - You did it!
- Yeah!
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2022. You did it!
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2023. Yeah!
Copy !req
2024. We're flying!
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2025. - Look!
- What?
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2026. Welcome to Heaven, motherfuckers.
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2027. Craig!
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2028. - Yay!
- Yeah!
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2029. - Craig.
- Oh, my...
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2030. - What?
- This is awesome.
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2031. - Are you an angel?
- Yes, sir.
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2032. - That's so cool, man.
- That is so cool.
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2033. Congratulations, dude.
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2034. Fellas.
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2035. - Yeah.
- Yes.
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2036. Dude, you got one.
Copy !req
2037. - What?
- That's so cool.
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2038. - Do I have one?
- Do I have one?
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2039. - I can't see it.
- Do I have...
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2040. - Wait.
- Let's touch 'em.
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2041. - Dude, this is so...
- Wow.
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2042. - What do we do now?
- Yeah.
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2043. Come this way.
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2044. Right? Do you love it? Do you love it?
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2045. Whoa, they got weed in Heaven?
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2046. - What?
- You tell me.
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2047. What?
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2048. Holy shit! That's awesome!
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2049. That's insane, man.
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2050. No, no, no, no, no, no.
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2051. That's Heaven.
Anything you could think of is yours.
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2052. Holy shit, this is awesome.
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2053. Segway!
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2054. I've always wanted to ride
one of these things.
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2055. Go ahead, Jay, make a wish.
Copy !req
2056. Anything you could think of.
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2057. Anything?
Copy !req
2058. What?
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2059. No fucking way.
Copy !req