This Is Spinal Tap (1984)

1. Hello, my name is Marty Di Bergi. I'm a filmmaker.

2. I make a lot of commercials.

3. That little dog that chases the covered wagon underneath the sink?

4. That was mine.

5. In 1966, I went down to Greenwich Village, New York City,

6. to a rock club called The Electric Banana.

7. Don't look for it, it's not there anymore.

8. But that night, I heard a band that for me redefined the word "rock 'n' roll."

9. I remember being knocked out by their exuberance, their raw power

10. and their punctuality.

11. That band was Britain's now legendary Spinal Tap.

12. Seventeen years and 15 albums later,

13. Spinal Tap is still going strong.

14. And they've earned a distinguished place in rock history

15. as one of England's loudest bands.

16. So, in the late fall of 1982,

17. when I heard that Tap was releasing a new album called Smell the Glove,

18. and was planning their first tour of the United States in almost six years

19. to promote that album,

20. well, needless to say, I jumped at the chance to make the documentary,

21. the, if you will, rockumentary that you are about to see.

22. I wanted to capture the sights, the sounds, the smells

23. of a hard-working rock band on the road.

24. And I got that.

25. But I got more.

26. A lot more.

27. But, hey, enough of my yakking.

28. What do you say? Let's boogie.

29. Gives me a lot of energy, makes me happy.

30. Heavy metal is deep. You can get stuff out of it.

31. The way they dress. The leather.

32. Which one is this? Is this LaGuardia...

33. No, this is JFK.

34. Oh, yes. New York, New York.

35. Watch it now. Watch it now!

36. It's like you become one with the guys in the band.

37. I mean, there's no division, you just...

38. The music just unites people with the players.

39. Come on and ride, direct from hell, Spinal Tap!

40. You're hot You take all we got

41. Not a dry seat in the house

42. Next day We'll be on our way

43. But tonight I'm gonna rock you Tonight I'm gonna rock you

44. Yes, tonight I'm gonna rock you Tonight I'm gonna rock you

45. Tonight!

46. We are Spinal Tap from the UK!

47. You must be the USA!

48. Little girl, it's a great big world

49. But there's only one of

50. Me!

51. Let's talk a little bit about the history of the group.

52. I understand, Nigel, you and David originally started the band

53. back in, when was it, 1964?

54. Before that, we were in different groups.

55. I was in a group called The Creatures, which was a skiffle group.

56. I was in Lovely Lads.

57. And then we looked at each other

58. and said, well, we might as well join up.

59. So we became The Originals. Right.

60. And we had to change our name, actually.

61. Well, there was another group in the East End called The Originals.

62. You know, we had to rename ourselves.

63. New Originals. New Originals.

64. And then they became... The Regulars.

65. They changed their name back to The Regulars.

66. We thought, well, we could go back to The Originals, but what's the point?

67. Then we became The Thamesmen at that point.

68. Stop wasting my time

69. You know what I want

70. You know what I need

71. Or maybe you don't

72. Do I have to come right flat out and tell you everything?

73. Gimme some money

74. Gimme some money

75. Your first drummer was...

76. The Peeper. John "Stumpy" Pepys.

77. Great, great tall, blonde geek with glasses.

78. Good drummer. Great look, good drummer, yeah.

79. Good, good drummer. Fine drummer.

80. What happened to him?

81. He died. He died in a bizarre gardening accident some years back.

82. It's really one of those things. It was...

83. The authorities said best leave it unsolved, really.

84. And he was replaced by...

85. Stumpy Joe.

86. Eric "Stumpy Joe" Childs.

87. And what happened to Stumpy Joe?

88. Well, it's not a very pleasant story.

89. He's passed on. He died...

90. He choked on...

91. The official explanation was he choked on vomit.

92. He passed away.

93. It was actually someone else's vomit.

94. It was ugly.

95. You know, there's no real...

96. They can't prove whose vomit it was. They don't have...

97. There's no prints.

98. facilities in Scotland Yard.

99. There's no way to print a spectra-photograph.

100. You can't really dust for vomit.

101. Here we go. Hello.

102. SoHo, they call this. SoHo.

103. "So" what? SoHo.

104. How are you? Good to see you.

105. lan. Hi, fellas! How are you doing?

106. Come over here.

107. I want you to meet everybody.

108. Bobbi Flekman.

109. Who's that? Bobbi Flekman.

110. Viv! Come over here, everybody. With the record company?

111. So... Yes, Bobbi Flekman.

112. Bobbi, of course, how are you?

113. The hostess with the mostess.

114. We know, we know.

115. You know, you know.

116. Hi, handsome, how are you doing?

117. All right, listen, I want you to all meet Sir Denis Eton-Hogg.

118. Now, he's the head of Polymer. We know.

119. You, don't talk so much, just smile a little. Smile.

120. Oh, she knows...

121. Denis, come here! Come here.

122. I want you to meet Spinal Tap. They're our guests of honor.

123. How very nice to meet you.

124. Kids, this is Sir Denis Eton-Hogg.

125. This is Nigel.

126. Yeah, this is Nigel. Hi.

127. Thanks a lot for letting us...

128. Let's go over here, and we'll all take a picture together.

129. Where's Christine? Where's my photographer?

130. Come over here, honey. What's your name? Christine?

131. Okay, right over here.

132. Good. Good!

133. He's not into negro music.

134. No, no, I don't eat that shit.

135. Guys, you look great. I mean, you look fantastic.

136. You would never know you were almost 40.

137. I mean, if I looked this good...

138. And from the stage, too, it's amazing.

139. I did the Bird. Do the Dead Bird.

140. Change this, get the dwarf cannolis, the little ones.

141. All right. I did the Bird. Come on! Don't talk back.

142. Mime is money. Let's go! Come on, move it!

143. Now, we here at Polymer, we're all looking forward

144. to a long and fruitful relationship with Spinal Tap.

145. We wish them great success on their North American tour.

146. And so say all of us, "Tap into America!"

147. Excuse me, are you reading Yes I Can?

148. Yeah, have you read it?

149. Yeah, by Sammy Davis Jr.?

150. Yeah.

151. You know what the title of that book should be?

152. Yes, I Can, if Frank Sinatra Says It's Okay.

153. 'Cause Frank calls the shots for all those guys.

154. Did you get to the part yet where Sammy's coming out of the Copa,

155. and it's about 3:00 in the morning, and he sees Frank?

156. Frank's walking down Broadway by himself...

157. Fucking limeys.

158. Well, they're not used to that world.

159. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I know.

160. Frank Sinatra. It's a different world that they're in.

161. It's just, people like this,

162. they get all they want,

163. so they don't really understand about a life like Frank's.

164. I mean, when you've loved and lost the way Frank has,

165. then you know what life's about.

166. The Times may even do something. Really?

167. The New York Times? The New York Times.

168. The bump we've got to iron out here is when do we get the album released?

169. I mean, it doesn't matter how good the press is or what the stringers...

170. As I explained last night,

171. we're not gonna saturate the New York market.

172. Now, Philly, now that's a real rock 'n' roll town.

173. Oh, Philly's a great town.

174. Be assured that the album will be available

175. all through the Philadelphia metropolitan area.

176. So you are hitting that market.

177. We're certainly doing...

178. I'm doing everything I can.

179. You know that we're not blaming you.

180. But you don't feel that these guys have an effect on an audience.

181. I mean, kids go to their concert, they have a great time...

182. But it's a passing thing. It's...

183. I mean, I would never tell them this, but this is a fad.

184. The bigger the cushion, the sweeter the pushin'

185. That's what I said

186. The looser the waistband, the deeper the quicksand

187. Or so I have read

188. My baby fits me like a flesh tuxedo

189. I like to sink her with my pink torpedo

190. Big bottom, big bottom

191. Talk about bum cakes, my girl's got 'em

192. Big bottom, drive me out of my mind

193. How could I leave this behind?

194. I met her on Monday

195. It was my lucky bun day

196. You know what I mean

197. I love her each weekday

198. Each velvety cheek day

199. You know what I mean

200. My love gun's loaded and she's in my sights

201. Big game is waiting there inside her tights, yeah!

202. Big bottom, big bottom

203. Talk about mud flaps, my girl's got 'em

204. Big bottom, drive me out of my mind

205. How could I leave this behind?

206. Let's talk about your reviews a little bit.

207. Regarding lntravenus de Milo,

208. "This tasteless cover is a good indication

209. "of the lack of musical invention within.

210. "The musical growth rate of this band cannot even be charted.

211. "They're treading water in a sea of retarded sexuality and bad poetry."

212. That's nitpicking, isn't it?

213. The Gospel According To Spinal Tap.

214. "This pretentious, ponderous collection of religious rock psalms

215. "is enough to prompt the question,

216. "'What day did the Lord create Spinal Tap,

217. "'and couldn't he have rested on that day, too?"'

218. I never heard that one. That's a good one. That's a good one.

219. The review you had on Shark Sandwich,

220. which was merely a two-word review,

221. it just said, "Shit sandwich."

222. Where'd they print that? Who printed that?

223. That's not real, is it? You can't print that.

224. You know, all those arguments about touring or not touring,

225. and all that, I mean, it's obvious, we belong on tour.

226. You know, it's a great idea. I couldn't agree more.

227. You know all that stuff about you being too old

228. and you being too white... Yeah.

229. But what about the album, lan?

230. Well, that's the real problem...

231. There's beginning to be a refrain here.

232. You know, there's no way to promote something that doesn't exist,

233. you know?

234. It's a very unimportant reason.

235. It's just that they're just experimenting with a...

236. With some new packaging materials.

237. Right, let me get the door.

238. What kind of experimenting? They got monkeys opening it or what?

239. The other thing is that the Boston gig has been canceled.

240. What? Yeah.

241. I wouldn't worry about it, though, it's not a big college town.

242. Hey, I heard you boys had an album coming out right now?

243. Yeah, it's Smell the Glove. It should be out now...

244. Smell the Glove? Smell the Glove, yeah.

245. It's a provocative title. I love it.

246. Wait till you see the cover, wait till you see the cover.

247. Very provocative indeed.

248. Bobbi, can I tear you away from all this?

249. Do you have a drink?

250. No, I don't... I don't really need one.

251. But, listen, I really do have to talk to you a bit

252. about this whole issue of the...

253. lan, just tell me whatever's on your mind.

254. The issue of the cover.

255. Yeah? Um...

256. We... I mean, we feel, and it seems to be facts,

257. that the company is rather down on the cover. Is that the case?

258. Yes. You can give it to me straight, you know.

259. Listen, they don't like the cover.

260. They don't like the cover. That's certainly straight.

261. They find it very offensive and very sexist.

262. Well, what exactly do you find offensive?

263. lan, you put a greased, naked woman... I mean, what's offensive?

264. on all fours... Yes.

265. with a dog collar around her neck... With a dog collar.

266. and a leash... And a leash.

267. and a man's arm, extended out,

268. up to here, holding on to the leash

269. and pushing a black glove in her face to sniff it.

270. You don't find that offensive? No, I don't.

271. You don't find that sexist?

272. This is 1982, Bobbi, come on.

273. That's right, it's 1982. Get out of the '60s.

274. We don't have this mentality anymore. Listen to me.

275. Well, you should've seen the cover they wanted to do.

276. I don't care... It wasn't a glove, believe me.

277. See, now this is something, lan,

278. that you're going to have to talk to your boys about.

279. We're certainly not laying down any conditions.

280. And I don't think a sexy cover is the answer

281. for why an album sells or doesn't sell.

282. Because, you tell me, The White Album, what was that?

283. There was nothing on that goddamn cover.

284. Excuse me, the phone's ringing. Sure.

285. lan, we'll talk about this after.

286. Okay, right, love.

287. Hello?

288. Hi, Denis.

289. Uh-oh.

290. Okay. Why don't you tell him?

291. Okay, hold on one minute.

292. lan?

293. It's Eaton-Hogg. He wants to talk to you.

294. Okay. Thank you, darling.

295. You're welcome, dear.

296. Hello, Sir Denis?

297. Hi, how are you?

298. Oh!

299. Fucking old poofter!

300. But it's really not that offensive, Sir Denis, come on.

301. Okay. I'll call you absolutely first thing in the morning.

302. Oh, shit!

303. They're not going to release the album,

304. because they have decided that the cover is sexist.

305. Well, so what? Yeah.

306. What's wrong with being sexy? I mean, there's no...

307. Sexist! "lst."

308. They wanted sexy. Okay, listen, I wanted to tell you this,

309. and I was holding back,

310. because I didn't know what Denis' decision was going to be.

311. But, at this point, both Sears and Kmart stores have

312. refused to handle the album.

313. They're boycotting the album only because of the cover.

314. if the first album was a hit...

315. if a company's behind an album,

316. it can shove it right down their throats.

317. Money talks and bullshit walks.

318. And if the first album was a hit,

319. then we could've pressed on them,

320. then we could've told them,

321. "Yes, let's..." The music, every cut,

322. on this album is a hit. I don't give a shit what the album...

323. It's a matter of compromise. It was a joke.

324. And they're making it a big deal. Yeah, that's it. That's true.

325. You know, if we were serious, and we said,

326. "Yes, she should be forced to smell the glove,"

327. then you'd have a point, you know, but it's all a joke, isn't it?

328. I mean, it's making fun... Well, it is and it isn't.

329. We're making fun of that sort of thing.

330. She should be made to smell it, you know?

331. Not, you know, over and over again, of course.

332. Listen, the thing is, we can probably work something out.

333. I'll talk to Denis and maybe we can come up with a compromise.

334. A new design concept that we can all live with.

335. You guys were schoolmates?

336. We don't... We're not university material.

337. What's that on your finger? It's my gum.

338. What are you doing with it on your finger?

339. I might need it later.

340. Put it on the table, that's terrible.

341. I might forget it on the table.

342. How old were you guys when you met? I can't take him anywhere.

343. About eight years old. Eight or nine.

344. You were eight and I was seven.

345. That's right, yeah.

346. Do you remember the first song that you guys ever wrote together?

347. All The Way Home, probably.

348. Yeah. All The Way Home?

349. Yeah. Can you remember a little bit of it?

350. I'd love to hear it. Christ.

351. With some black coffee maybe we could do it.

352. How does it go?

353. I was standing there beside the railroad track

354. And I'm waiting for that train to bring you back

355. Bring you back

356. if she's not on the 5:19, then I'm gonna know what sorrow means

357. And I'm gonna cry, cry, cry All the way home

358. All the way home

359. All the way home

360. All the way home All the way home

361. Cry, cry, cry all the way home...

362. It's fairly simple. It's about six words in the whole song, you know.

363. We just repeat them over and over again. Yeah.

364. Let's talk about your music today.

365. One thing that puzzles me is the make-up of your audience

366. seems to be, predominantly, young boys.

367. Well, it's a sexual thing, really.

368. Aside from the identifying that boys do with us,

369. there's also like a reaction to the female...

370. Of the female to our music.

371. What was the way... Yeah.

372. Really, they're quite fearful.

373. That's my theory.

374. They see us on stage, with tight trousers.

375. We've got, you know, armadillos in our trousers.

376. I mean, it's really quite frightening, the size.

377. Yeah.

378. And they run screaming.

379. lan, can I have a word with you for a minute?

380. Yes, of course.

381. Listen, we have problems...

382. What?

383. with the arrangements backstage.

384. What exactly? What, I mean...

385. Well, no, there's some problems here.

386. I don't even know where to start.

387. All right, this... No, no, no. Sound check? What?

388. This, this... Look, there's a little problem with the...

389. Look, this miniature bread,

390. it's, like, I've been working with this now for about half an hour.

391. I can't figure out... Let's say I want a bite, right?

392. I got this... You'd like bigger bread?

393. Exactly. I don't understand how...

394. You could just fold this, though.

395. Well, no, then it's half the size. I mean, you could fold it.

396. No, not the bread. You just fold the meat.

397. Yeah, but then it breaks apart.

398. No, no, no.

399. You put it on the bread like this, see?

400. But then if you keep folding it, it keeps breaking...

401. But why would you keep folding it?

402. and everything has to be folded, and then it's this.

403. And I don't want this, I want large bread,

404. so that I can put this...

405. Right.

406. so then it's like this. But this doesn't work,

407. because then it's all...

408. Because it hangs out like that.

409. Look, would you be holding this?

410. No, I wouldn't want to put that in my mouth.

411. All right, A. Exhibit A. No, you're right.

412. And then we move onto this. Look. Who's in here? No one.

413. And then in here, there's a little guy. Look.

414. So it's a complete catastrophe!

415. No, you're right. Nigel, Nigel...

416. But calm down. Calm down.

417. Calm... No, it's no big deal.

418. It's a joke, really. I'm sorry.

419. It's just some cracker university, you know?

420. No, it's a joke. No, I really...

421. I don't want it to affect your performance. All right?

422. It's not going to affect my performance.

423. Don't worry about it, all right?

424. I just hate it, really.

425. It does disturb me. It won't happen again.

426. But I'll rise above it, I'm a professional.

427. It's better in a hell hole

428. You know where you stand in a hell hole

429. Folks Iend a hand in a hell hole

430. Girl, get me back to my hell hole

431. Do Stonehenge!

432. Do you actually play all these, or...

433. Well, I play them and I cherish them.

434. This is at the top of the heap, right here. There's no question about it.

435. Look at the flame on that one. I mean, it's just...

436. It's quite unbelievable.

437. This one is just perfect. 1959, you cannot...

438. How much... Listen, just listen for a minute.

439. The sustain, listen to it.

440. I'm not hearing anything.

441. You would, though, if it were playing,

442. because it really is famous for its sustain.

443. You can just hold it...

444. So you'd have to play...

445. You can go and have a bite and...

446. You'd still be hearing that one.

447. Can you hold this a sec? Sure.

448. This one... This, of course, is a custom three-pickup Paul.

449. This is my radio unit.

450. So I strap this piece on, right down in here when I'm on stage.

451. It's a wireless. Wireless, exactly.

452. And I can play without all the mucky-muck.

453. You can run anywhere on stage with that. Exactly.

454. Now, this is special, too. Look. See?

455. Still got the old tagger on it, see? Never even played it.

456. You just bought it? Don't touch it!

457. Don't touch it. No one... I wasn't gonna touch it.

458. No. Don't touch it. I was just pointing at it.

459. Well, don't point, even. Don't even point?

460. No. It can't be played. Never.

461. Can I look at it?

462. No, you've seen enough of that one.

463. This is a top to what we use on stage, but it's very special,

464. because if you can see... Yeah.

465. the numbers all go to 11.

466. Look, right across the board, 11, 11, 11...

467. And most of these amps go up to 10.

468. Exactly.

469. Does that mean it's louder? Is it any louder?

470. Well, it's one louder, isn't it? It's not 10.

471. You see, most blokes will be playing at 10.

472. You're on 10 here, all the way up, all the way up,

473. you're on 10 on your guitar, where can you go from there? Where?

474. I don't know. Nowhere. Exactly!

475. What we do is, if we need that

476. extra push over the cliff, you know what we do?

477. Put it up to 11. 11! Exactly. One louder.

478. Why don't you just make 10 louder, and make 10 be the top number,

479. and make that a little louder?

480. These go to 11.

481. Are you Spinal Tap?

482. Spinal Tap? This is Spinal Tap.

483. Tap, tap, tap, tap. Welcome to Memphis, gentlemen.

484. We have a slight problem with your reservation. Nothing serious, I'm afraid.

485. How slight?

486. You wanted seven suites, yes.

487. Seven suites.

488. He mistakenly put you on the seventh floor, with one suite.

489. That's considerably more than minor.

490. But it's a good size room, sir, it's a King Leisure. We can get you...

491. How are we gonna get 14 people in a King Leisure bed, Tucker?

492. Don't tempt me, sir. Have a good time, will you? Take care.

493. I'll take care of it.

494. You're welcome, gentlemen. And very attractive, they are, too.

495. Listen to me! Yes, sir.

496. We want these suites, and we want them now, okay?

497. These people are tired. Yes, we can help you.

498. We have sound check in an hour. Reba! Perhaps you can help us.

499. What's the problem, sir? Give me a hand, please.

500. What's the matter? I'll tell you what's wrong, okay?

501. This twisted old fruit here tells me

502. that you have not got my reservations.

503. I'm just as God made me, sir.

504. What's the difference between golf and miniature golf?

505. I think the balls... The holes are smaller.

506. Uh-oh! Look out, here they come.

507. Duke, Duke!

508. Can I have your autograph?

509. It's Duke Fame! It's Duke Fame.

510. Duke! Duke.

511. It's okay, we know him. Spinal Tap.

512. David St. Hubbins, Spinal Tap.

513. Derek Smalls, Spinal Tap. Nigel...

514. We gotta get going...

515. Listen, where are you playing in town?

516. You playing here? We're doing the...

517. Enormodome, whatever it is, it's terrific.

518. Yeah, big place, outside of town. Sold it out. Very nice.

519. That's a big place. You sold it out?

520. What's that? 20,000 seats?

521. We really should run, you know...

522. Good heavens! How are you, Laddy?

523. Great to see you, Ter.

524. Terrific to see you. Liam!

525. lan. Lan. lan, yeah.

526. Listen, we'd love to stand around and chat,

527. but we gotta sit down in the lobby and wait for the limo.

528. Okay. Duke, great to see you. Catch up with you on the road.

529. Great to see you again, Terry. Yeah, cheers!

530. Best of luck. Duke!

531. We'll catch up at your house, maybe.

532. Great! Great! Great to see you.

533. See you. See you, Duke. Good days, good days.

534. Wanker. What a wanker.

535. What a wanker. No-talent sod.

536. He's got this much talent. This much, if he's lucky.

537. We carried him.

538. We had to apologize for him with our set.

539. That's right.

540. People were still booing him when we went on.

541. It's all bull. It's all hype.

542. We got our rooms. Big fat suites.

543. Can I ask you something?

544. Have you seen Duke Fame's current album?

545. Um... Yes, yes.

546. Have you seen the cover?

547. No, I don't think I have.

548. It's a rather lurid cover.

549. I mean, it's like naked women, and...

550. He's tied down to this table, and they've got these whips,

551. and they're all semi-nude... Knocking on him.

552. And it's like... It's much worse... What's the point?

553. Well, the point is that it's much worse than Smell the Glove.

554. He releases that, and he's number three!

555. Because he's the victim.

556. Their objections were that she was the victim, you see.

557. Oh. Oh.

558. That's all right. If the singer's the victim, it's different. It's not sexist.

559. He did a twist on it.

560. He did, he turned it around.

561. We should have thought of that. We were so close.

562. if we had all you guys tied up, that probably would have been fine.

563. But it's still a stupid cover.

564. It's such a fine line between stupid and clever.

565. Yeah, just that little turnabout.

566. I have a small piece of bad news.

567. Although, it may not be that bad. For a change.

568. We're canceled here.

569. At the hotel?

570. No, we're canceled. The gig is canceled.

571. Fuck.

572. It says, "Memphis show canceled due to lack of advertising funds."

573. The last time Tap toured America,

574. they were booked into 10,000-seat arenas and 15,000-seat venues.

575. And it seems that now, on the current tour,

576. they're being booked into 1,200-seat arenas, 1,500-seat arenas,

577. and I was just wondering, does this mean the popularity of the group is waning?

578. Oh, no! No, no, no, no, no.

579. No, not at all. I just think that

580. their appeal is becoming more selective.

581. Ah.

582. Now, I notice this here, you got this cricket bat here.

583. Yes. Do you play?

584. No, I carry this partly out of...

585. I don't know, sort of...

586. I suppose, what's the word?

587. Affectation?

588. Yes, I mean, it's a kind of totemistic thing, you know?

589. But, to be quite frank with you,

590. it's come in useful on a couple situations.

591. Certainly, in the topsy-turvy world of heavy rock,

592. having a good solid piece of wood in your hand is quite often useful.

593. I miss you, too, darling.

594. Um... Not too well, actually.

595. Well, we've got some cancellations, that's all.

596. We got to Memphis and there's no gig in Memphis,

597. and we find out this promoter in the Midwest

598. has pulled out St. Louis and Kansas City

599. and Des Moines.

600. I don't know, it's in lndiana or something.

601. I thought...

602. Don't tease me.

603. That's not until April. Great!

604. We'll do it! Oh, fucking great.

605. Milwaukee. Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

606. I have no idea. You might have to take a plane to New York,

607. and then go to Milwaukee from there.

608. Oh, God, I love you, too. Okay, bye.

609. Well, my problems are solved, mate.

610. Who's that?

611. Was Jeanine, she's gonna come meet us.

612. She was supposed to do this window layout for Neil Kite's boutique.

613. But it's not until April!

614. Is she coming to drop some stuff off? You know, and going right back?

615. No, no. She's coming on her own. She's gonna travel with us.

616. She's gonna go on the road with us.

617. Turn it up. Turn it up!

618. She says she can hear that I'm eating too much sugar on the phone.

619. She says my larynx is fat.

620. You might want to come next door.

621. The radio is playing a bit of your past.

622. You happy for me?

623. I don't believe it!

624. cups and cakes

625. I'm so full my tummy aches

626. How sad it must end But I'm glad I have a friend

627. Sharing cups and cakes with me

628. And cakes with me

629. Sounds good. Yeah?

630. Oh, yeah!

631. Going all the way back to 1965, that one.

632. Doesn't it feel good?

633. With The Thamesmen and Cups and Cakes.

634. You're an oldie!

635. Of course, The Thamesmen later changed their name to Spinal Tap.

636. They had a couple of nice size hits.

637. They're currently residing in the "Where Are They Now" file.

638. Johnny Q with you on Golden 106, and right after we...

639. Fuck you.

640. I'm not really sure this was such a great idea.

641. I mean, I don't feel any better than I did at the hotel.

642. He was going to do a TV special from here, before he died.

643. Yeah, that's right, the musical version of Somebody Up There Likes Me.

644. Well, since my baby left me

645. I found a new place to dwell

646. Well, it's down at the end of Lonely Street

647. At Heartbreak Hotel

648. Do it with the harmony parts.

649. All right.

650. Well, since my baby left me... Since my baby...

651. The same key, though, I think.

652. Well, since my baby left me Since my baby left me

653. if I'm going...

654. Since my baby left me

655. Left me

656. Me

657. No, you can't hit that note.

658. Since my...

659. Since my baby left me Since my baby left me

660. Well, I found a new place to dwell

661. Well, I found a new place to dwell

662. That's all right. Not really, not really.

663. Voice down. Well, it sounds raga.

664. You don't want to go raga on this.

665. No, not with this, it don't. It does.

666. Well, since my baby left me

667. It sounds fucking barbershop. Don't... Hey.

668. Barbershop raga.

669. Watch the... Watch the language.

670. You're paying homage to the King. A new hybrid.

671. Sorry.

672. This is thoroughly depressing.

673. It really puts perspective on things, though, doesn't it?

674. Too much. There's too much fucking perspective now.

675. In 1967, you...

676. That was the first time Spinal Tap came into existence.

677. Well, the whole world was changing in those days.

678. And also we had the world's ear...

679. We were changing the world.

680. because we had just released an enormous-selling single.

681. Flower People. Flower People.

682. We toured the world, we toured the States...

683. We toured the world and elsewhere.

684. It was a dream come true.

685. Listen

686. To what the flower people say

687. Listen, it's getting louder every day

688. Listen, it's like a bolt out of the blue

689. Listen, it could be calling now for you

690. Now during the Flower People period, who was your drummer?

691. Stumpy's replacement, Peter "James" Bond,

692. he also died in mysterious circumstances.

693. We were playing a...

694. Festival.

695. jazz-blues festival. Where was that?

696. Blues-jazz, really. Blues-jazz festival.

697. It was the lsle... It was in the lsle of...

698. lsle of Lucy. lsle of Lucy.

699. The lsle of Lucy Jazz-Blues Festival. lsle of Lucy.

700. And it was tragic, really. He exploded on stage.

701. Just like that.

702. He just went up.

703. He just was like a flash of green light,

704. and that was it. Nothing was left.

705. Look at his face. Well, there was.

706. It's true, this really did happen. It's true.

707. There was a little green globule on his drum seat.

708. Like a stain, really.

709. It was more of a stain than a globule, actually, and...

710. You know, several... You know, dozens of people

711. spontaneously combust each year.

712. It's just not really widely reported.

713. Right.

714. Testing. Hello, hello.

715. Test, test, test. This is mic number one. This is mic number one.

716. Isn't this a lot of fun?

717. Two, two. Okay, got the mics.

718. Let's do GSM, all right? GSM.

719. Stop wasting my time

720. You know what I want

721. You know what I need

722. Or maybe you don't

723. Do I have to come right smack damn out and tell you everything?

724. Gimme some money

725. Gimme some money

726. Oh, yeah!

727. Hello, darling.

728. Hello, I've got a surprise for you.

729. Hey! Where'd you come from?

730. Where do you think I came from?

731. Bloody airplane, didn't l? Right?

732. David. David. David. David.

733. Feels good. I've been wanting to do that for the longest time.

734. Want me to carry you about with me?

735. What's all this? What? Tell me.

736. That's the film crew.

737. I told you about this. It's the film crew. Martin?

738. Hi, Martin. This is Jeanine.

739. Hello. Hello.

740. Here it is! It's Visitors' Day, isn't it?

741. Here it is, lads!

742. We better turn to...

743. Smell the Glove, me old beauties!

744. Oh, really?

745. Gather around. Where's David?

746. Come on, lan, you're kidding.

747. David. David, get up here!

748. David, Smell the Glove is here. Hello, Jeanine.

749. The moment we've all been waiting for.

750. I thought I'd never see it.

751. Here we go. I never thought I'd live to see the day.

752. Plenty for everybody.

753. Wait a minute. A little fanfare.

754. What do you think?

755. Is this the test pressing?

756. No, this is it. Yes, that's right.

757. This is Smell the Glove by Spinal Tap?

758. When you go to the store... That's Smell the Glove.

759. That's the jacket cover that's going out across the country in every store.

760. Is this the compromise you made? Yes.

761. Is it going to say anything here or along the spine?

762. It's just going to be all black? It's going to be that,

763. simple, beautiful, classic.

764. Does look like, you know, black leather.

765. You can see yourself in both sides.

766. I wouldn't feel so bad...

767. It's like a black mirror. Yeah, it is.

768. Well, I think it looks like death.

769. It looks like mourning. I mean, it looks...

770. David, David, every movie in every cinema is about death.

771. Death sells!

772. I think he's right, there's something about this

773. that's so black, it's like, "How much more black could this be?"

774. And the answer is, "None, none more black."

775. I think you're, like, rationalizing this whole thing

776. into something that you did on purpose.

777. I think we're stuck with a very, very stupid

778. and a very dismal-looking album.

779. This is depressing!

780. This is something you wear around your arm,

781. you don't put this on your fucking turntable.

782. David, it's a choice.

783. I frankly think that this is the turning point, okay?

784. I think this is... We're on our way now.

785. It's time to kick ass! I agree, I agree.

786. When there was darkness

787. And the void was king and ruled the elements

788. When there was silence and the hush was almost deafening

789. Out of the emptiness

790. Salvation

791. Salvation

792. Rhythm and light and sound

793. 'Twas the rock 'n' roll creation

794. 'Twas a terrible big bang

795. 'Twas the ultimate mutation

796. Yin was searching for his yang

797. And he Iooked and he saw that it was good

798. I look to the stars and the answer is clear

799. I look in the mirror and see what I fear

800. 'Tis the rock 'n' roll creation

801. 'Tis the absolute rebirth

802. 'Tis the rolling of the ocean

803. And the rocking of the earth

804. And I Iooked and I saw that it was good

805. Given the history of Spinal Tap drummers in the past,

806. do you have any fears for your life?

807. When I did join, you know, they did tell me.

808. They kind of took me aside and said,

809. "Well, Mick, you know, it's like this."

810. And it did kind of freak me out a bit,

811. but it can't always happen to... Can it?

812. Right. Right.

813. I mean, really. The law of averages says...

814. The law of averages.

815. It says you will survive. Yeah.

816. Whoa.

817. Quite exciting. Quite exciting, this computer magic.

818. Whee!

819. How many planets have you destroyed, Viv?

820. Well, fourth or fifth time round, I think. We're doing really five.

821. Few galaxies gone, you know...

822. Don't.

823. This is Cindy's first mustache.

824. Is it?

825. Can I take it off now?

826. Why? Too hot in it?

827. No, it's...

828. I thought I might go back to see

829. what they were up to back there, you know.

830. Don't think they really need to see this

831. until you're finished with it, you know.

832. Well, you were reading. You can read here.

833. Yeah, but they got the new game back there. Thought I'd maybe...

834. Thought I'd have a look at the new game.

835. It's like a submarine thing.

836. You've got all this stuff all over you again.

837. Before I met Jeanine, my life was cosmically in shambles.

838. It was... I was using bits and pieces

839. of whatever Eastern philosophies

840. happened to drift through my transom.

841. And she sort of sorted it out for me, straightened it out for me.

842. Gave me a path, you know, a path to follow.

843. I wonder if you have as much influence over his musical expression.

844. Oh, yeah. I mean, I listen to him

845. when he's experimenting and things like that.

846. Don't l, doll?

847. He plays things to me sometimes

848. when he's got a new bit that he wants to tell me about, you know,

849. and I say, "Yeah, that's good," or, "That's bad,"

850. or, "That's shit," or whatever.

851. Yeah. You know.

852. Yes, she's very honest, she's brutally frank.

853. Well, how does that go over with the other band members?

854. I mean, you...

855. Well, what happens is, she gives me the brutally frank version,

856. and I sort of tart it up for them.

857. Yeah.

858. And of course it's so strange because Nigel and Jeanine

859. are so similar in so many ways, but they just can't...

860. They don't dislike each other at all. No.

861. There's a great love between the two of them.

862. Oh, yes.

863. But there's some sort of communication

864. that's just not... It's just blocked or something.

865. It's pretty.

866. Yeah, I like it.

867. Just been fooling about with it for a few months now.

868. Very delicate.

869. It's a bit of a departure

870. from the kind of thing you normally play.

871. Yeah, well, it's part of a trilogy, really,

872. a musical trilogy that I'm doing,

873. in D minor, which I always find

874. is really the saddest of all keys.

875. Really. I don't know why, but it makes people weep instantly, to play a...

876. It's a horn part.

877. It's very pretty.

878. You know, just simple lines intertwining.

879. You know, very much like... I'm really influenced by Mozart and Bach,

880. and it's sort of in between, though,

881. it's like a Mach piece, really.

882. What do you call this?

883. Well, this piece is called Lick My Love Pump.

884. Midwest Airlines, Flight 406...

885. Excuse me, sir. Do you have any metal objects in your pockets?

886. Yeah. Take them out and put them

887. in the bucket. Right.

888. Coins, keys.

889. Tuning fork.

890. Musician. I like to stay in tune, you know? There you go.

891. Be a moment.

892. Okay. Could you take this jacket off, please?

893. Oh, it's the zipper setting off the machine.

894. Let's go, then. Let's go, hurry up.

895. Step over here, please.

896. Troublemaker.

897. Raise your arms.

898. scheduled for departure at Gate 12

899. has been delayed approximately 20 minutes.

900. Do you have any artificial plates or limbs?

901. Not really, no.

902. Would you...

903. Yeah, do it.

904. Nice!

905. I don't need a woman I won't take me no wife

906. I got the rock 'n' roll And that'll be my life

907. No page in history, baby That, I don't need

908. I just wanna make some eardrums bleed

909. Heavy Heavy

910. Duty Duty

911. Heavy duty rock 'n' roll

912. Heavy Heavy

913. Duty Duty

914. Brings out the duty in my soul

915. Hi. Artie Fufkin.

916. Hey, Artie. Polymer Records. How are you?

917. Hey, how you doing? You are...

918. Derek. Derek.

919. Artie Fufkin, Polymer Records.

920. Hello, Artie. How are you? I'm your promo man

921. here in Chicago. Nice to meet you. Well, that's great.

922. I love you guys. And of course, Nigel.

923. Nigel.

924. I love you. Nigel Tufnel. Right.

925. I love your stuff. I go back with you guys.

926. Boy, do l... Artie Fufkin, Polymer Records.

927. I love you. And who are you, darling?

928. Oh, this is my special new friend, Cindy.

929. Hello, Cindy.

930. And this is Belinda. Hello, Belinda.

931. Hi, nice to meet you.

932. Artie Fufkin, Polymer Records, promo.

933. And l... Oh, what's going on here? Hi.

934. Oh, they're making a...

935. Hi, guys. Artie Fufkin, Polymer Records.

936. Nice to see you.

937. And where is David?

938. Oh, David, hi.

939. Artie Fufkin. How are you?

940. It's nice to see you.

941. We've got something exciting happening tomorrow.

942. All right, the food. The food.

943. Oh, thank God. Civilization! Where do I put this?

944. What are you doing to me here?

945. I'm not doing anything. I thought we had a relationship here.

946. I don't know what happened.

947. Business is terrible, Artie.

948. What can I tell you? This is the truth.

949. I know business is terrible,

950. but what happens with the record store

951. with a promotion and nobody shows up?

952. This isn't a personal thing, Artie.

953. Nobody's coming to the store... Forget personal thing.

954. We had a relationship here. Forget about personal, what about our relationship?

955. I feel like a schlub, and I don't know what's happening.

956. It's me. That's what's happening.

957. It's me. I did it. It's my fault.

958. I know.

959. We were told "massive radio support."

960. We did. We did massive, we did massive. Sponsoring, vast...

961. We saturated. We oversaturated.

962. They said vast radio support.

963. That's what it is. It's me. I did it. I fucked up.

964. I fucked up the timing, that's all. I fucked up the timing.

965. I got no timing, I got no timing. I got no timing.

966. You know what I want you to do? Will you do something for me?

967. What? Do me a favor.

968. Just kick my ass, okay?

969. Kick this ass for a man, that's all.

970. Kick my ass! No.

971. Enjoy! Come on. I'm not asking,

972. I'm telling with this. Kick my ass.

973. Well, we've kept them waiting long enough. Let's do it to them.

974. Come on, Mick!

975. Let's go, Mr. Shrimpton.

976. Rock 'n' roll!

977. Rock 'n' roll!

978. Let's hear some rock 'n' roll!

979. Rock 'n' roll! Let's go, then.

980. Yeah, mate.

981. It's gonna be a hot one, isn't it?

982. It's gonna be a great show.

983. No, it's not an exit. It's not an exit.

984. Don't want an exit. No, that's true.

985. Oh, this way. Hope so.

986. Yeah, this way, let's go. Probably this way.

987. Wait. This looks familiar, though.

988. Listen. Really does.

989. Shit.

990. That way.

991. Let's not lose it, now. Let's not lose it.

992. Where the fuck is lan? You know, he should be here.

993. We gotta get to it some way.

994. We've been on stage, right?

995. We're in the group.

996. We're in the group that's playing tonight.

997. You go right straight through this door here,

998. down the hall, turn right,

999. and then there's a little jog there, about 30 feet.

1000. Jog to the... We don't have time for that.

1001. Go straight ahead. We'll trust you, we'll trust you.

1002. Turn right the next two corners, and first door, a sign,

1003. "Authorized Personnel Only,"

1004. open that door. That's the stage.

1005. You think so? You're authorized.

1006. You're musicians, aren't you? We've got the guitars.

1007. Exactly. Thank you, thank you very much.

1008. Rock 'n' roll!

1009. Rock 'n' roll! Yeah!

1010. Let's get it, let's get it!

1011. No, he said this way.

1012. Straight here. Rock 'n' roll! Here we go! Rock 'n' roll!

1013. Hello, Cleveland! Hello, Cleveland!

1014. Let's go in.

1015. Fuck!

1016. You must have made a wrong turn.

1017. We've got to go another way.

1018. Other way. Other way. Other way.

1019. I hate to keep harping on this,

1020. but I think that the notion of a black album has really cursed us.

1021. Believe me, we're getting some very substantial reports of air play.

1022. I don't think we have to worry about that.

1023. You know, it might have been better

1024. if the album had been mixed right.

1025. Well, there's no use crying over that.

1026. Of course, that's true. I mean...

1027. Well, it just wasn't...

1028. It was mixed all wrong, wasn't it?

1029. It was mixed wrong? Yeah.

1030. Were you there? How do you know... You couldn't hear...

1031. She's heard the record. No, but I've heard the album.

1032. So your judgment is it was mixed wrong.

1033. You couldn't hear the lyrics on all of it.

1034. You don't agree that you can't hear the vocals?

1035. No, I do not agree. No.

1036. Well, I think maybe it's interesting that she's bringing it up.

1037. Well, she'd like to hear vocals.

1038. It's like me saying, you know,

1039. "You're using the wrong conditioner for your hair."

1040. Don't be stupid now.

1041. It looks sort of frizzy.

1042. You don't do heavy metal in Doubly, you know. You mix it.

1043. In what? In what?

1044. What? Dolby.

1045. In Doubly. I mean, you can't...

1046. In Dublin? What's that? She means Dolby, all right?

1047. She means Dolby. You know perfectly well what she means.

1048. We shan't recover from this one.

1049. We shan't recover from this one.

1050. Come on.

1051. Can I have the floor for just one moment?

1052. Because I've got something I'd like to show you.

1053. Jeanine's been working on these very hard.

1054. These are a new direction...

1055. Got a new idea for a new presentation.

1056. for the stage look of the band.

1057. The signs of the zodiac for everyone.

1058. I thought we needed a new presentation. It's the signs of the zodiac.

1059. This is a look for Viv. He's a Libra.

1060. There's the yin-yang...

1061. Yin and the yang. sort of look.

1062. This is Nigel. He's a Capricorn.

1063. Sort of a goat look. We've given you a little beard.

1064. Is this a joke?

1065. This is...

1066. Excuse me, is this a joke?

1067. Just bear with us for one moment, please.

1068. This, I love this. I wish I were the Cancer.

1069. That's attractive.

1070. This is your crab face.

1071. Your brainchild, now.

1072. Give it a chance, give it a chance.

1073. And this is David... David's the lion.

1074. Please wait a minute. Have you any idea what it will cost

1075. to dress up the band as animals?

1076. Well, they're not animals.

1077. They're signs of the zodiac.

1078. It's a way to fight the drabs.

1079. You know, we've got the drabs.

1080. That's true. I think mine will look better in Doubly,

1081. if it was done in Doubly.

1082. I'm quite open-minded enough.

1083. David. No, no, David.

1084. You know, there are solutions to our problems.

1085. I think we know what they are.

1086. I've yet to hear them. I've yet to hear them.

1087. Since you're all such geniuses...

1088. We take a rational approach, we can say...

1089. May I make a suggestion? I've got one other suggestion.

1090. Let's hear yours. Let's hear your suggestion.

1091. Stonehenge. Stonehenge.

1092. What about it? Best production value we've ever had on stage.

1093. But we haven't got the equipment.

1094. We haven't got Stonehenge. Not yet we don't.

1095. Let's... Please, please, just a moment.

1096. We know it works. Musically, we all know it.

1097. I don't think it's a bad idea.

1098. Musically, we all know it, right?

1099. No problems musically. We go right on stage,

1100. and it's quite simple.

1101. lan can take care of this.

1102. I know what the Stonehenge monument looks like.

1103. We don't have that piece of scenery anymore.

1104. I know, so we build a new one.

1105. And this it.

1106. Consider it done.

1107. So, you're just gonna take care of it like that?

1108. You're gonna find someone to design it, using that as a plan?

1109. Let's try. Let's try.

1110. if you can do it, I'll do the number.

1111. Do you feel that, in collaboration with David,

1112. that you are afforded the opportunity to express yourself musically

1113. the way you would like to?

1114. Well, I think I do, in my solos.

1115. My solos are my trademark.

1116. This looks absolutely perfect. I mean, it's...

1117. It's the right proportions. It'll be this color, eh?

1118. Yeah. That's just terrific.

1119. I mean, it almost looks like the real thing. You got it.

1120. Yeah. When we get the actual set, when we get the piece,

1121. it'll follow exactly these specifications,

1122. even these contours and everything?

1123. I don't understand, lan. The actual piece?

1124. When you build the actual piece.

1125. But this is what you asked for, isn't it?

1126. What?

1127. Well, this is the piece.

1128. This is the piece?

1129. Yes.

1130. Are you telling me that this is it?

1131. This is scenery?

1132. Have you ever been to Stonehenge?

1133. No, I've never been to Stonehenge.

1134. The triptychs are 20-feet high!

1135. You can stand four men up them. lan!

1136. I was asked to build it... This is insane!

1137. This isn't a piece of scenery. 18 inches high. Look, look.

1138. Look, this is what l was asked to build.

1139. Eighteen inches. Right here, it specified 18 inches.

1140. I was given this napkin. I mean...

1141. Forget this!

1142. Fuck the napkin!

1143. In ancient times

1144. Hundreds of years before the dawn of history

1145. Lived an ancient race of people

1146. The Druids

1147. No one knows who they were

1148. Or what they were doing

1149. But their legacy remains

1150. Hewn into the living rock of Stonehenge

1151. Stonehenge, where the demons dwell

1152. Where the banshees Iive and they do live well

1153. Stonehenge, where a man's a man

1154. And the children dance to the pipes of Pan

1155. And you, my love, won't you take my hand?

1156. We'll go back in time to that mystic land

1157. Where the dewdrops cry and the cats meow

1158. I will take you there

1159. I will show you how

1160. And, oh, how they danced The Iittle children of Stonehenge

1161. Beneath the haunted moon

1162. For fear that daybreak might come too soon

1163. I do not, for one, think that the problem was that the band was down.

1164. I think that the problem may have been

1165. that there was a Stonehenge monument

1166. on the stage that was in danger of being crushed by a dwarf.

1167. All right? That tended to understate the hugeness of the object.

1168. I really think you're just making much too big a thing out of it.

1169. Making a big thing out of it would have been a good idea.

1170. Nigel gave me a drawing that said 18 inches, all right?

1171. I know he did, and that's what I'm talking about.

1172. Whether he knows the difference between feet and inches is not my problem.

1173. I do what I'm told.

1174. But you're not as confused as him, are you?

1175. I mean, it's not your job to be as confused as Nigel is.

1176. It's my job to do what I'm asked to do

1177. by the creative element of this band.

1178. And that's what I did.

1179. The audience were laughing.

1180. So it became a comedy number. Yes, it did.

1181. Yes, it fucking well did, and it was not pleasant

1182. to be part of the comedy on stage.

1183. Backstage, perhaps it was very amusing.

1184. Maybe we just fix the choreography, keep the dwarf clear.

1185. What do you mean? So he won't trod upon it.

1186. I don't think that's the issue.

1187. I think it's symptomatic that maybe you're taking on more than you can handle.

1188. It's not exactly the first time you've messed things up, is it?

1189. I mean, there have been some gaping holes

1190. in the business end of this...

1191. Excuse me for a minute, David.

1192. Excuse me, this is a band meeting, right?

1193. Are you here for some reason? Don't worry about it.

1194. She's with me. Yeah.

1195. Is she now in the band? Is she singing backup?

1196. I care what happens to the band.

1197. David, whenever a single bump or a ruffle comes into this little fantasy,

1198. adolescent fantasy world you guys have built around yourself,

1199. you start screaming like a bunch of poncey hairdressers.

1200. I mean, it's just a problem, you know? It gets solved.

1201. It doesn't. You can't live in a bubble.

1202. if it got solved, that would be all right.

1203. But it doesn't get solved.

1204. What do you think happened out there? What got solved tonight?

1205. The one thing that goes wrong, one single thing goes wrong,

1206. 100 things go right.

1207. Do you know what I spend my time doing? What?

1208. I sleep two or three hours a night.

1209. There's no sex and drugs for lan, David.

1210. You know what I do? I find lost luggage.

1211. I locate mandolin strings in the middle of Austin!

1212. I pries the rent out of the local Hebrews. That's what I do.

1213. Maybe you should get someone else to find the lost luggage,

1214. and you should concentrate on what's going on onstage.

1215. Yes! That's what we're talking about.

1216. You'd like me to be the road manager? All bad... No!

1217. All bad... Could we...

1218. What David's trying to say, if you'll let him get a word through,

1219. is you could maybe do with some help.

1220. Some help? It's very simple, it's very simple.

1221. It's that clear.

1222. Maybe there's someone already in the organization.

1223. We don't have to pay insurance.

1224. We don't have to pay extra room, et cetera.

1225. Since she's already here, she's already among us,

1226. and she can... She?

1227. She's perfectly capable to taking over. She?

1228. Wait a minute! Well, who do you think I'm talking about?

1229. Who do you think I'm talking about? I would never have dreamed

1230. in a million years, that it was her you were talking about.

1231. Why not?

1232. I am offering to help out.

1233. No, you're not offering to help out.

1234. You're offering to co-manage the band with me, is that it?

1235. Yes. Let's get it straight...

1236. In so many words, that is exactly it.

1237. Exactly.

1238. Well, I'm certainly not going to co-manage with some girl

1239. just because she's your girlfriend.

1240. His girlfriend, is it? Don't call her my girlfriend.

1241. All right, she's not your girlfriend. I don't know.

1242. You couldn't manage a classroom full of kids.

1243. I don't know what you're doing managing the band.

1244. Why don't we just... Shut up!

1245. Look, look. L... This is my position, okay?

1246. I am not managing it with you...

1247. Good. or any other woman, especially one who dresses

1248. like an Australian's nightmare. So, fuck you.

1249. Well, fuck you, too. Fuck all of you,

1250. because I quit. All right?

1251. That's it. Good night.

1252. Can I raise a practical question at this point?

1253. Yeah.

1254. Are we gonna do Stonehenge tomorrow?

1255. No, we're not gonna fucking do Stonehenge!

1256. Okay, we're all set. Thank you.

1257. All right, fellas, I've got the tickets.

1258. We're on the 3:10 flight at Gate 24.

1259. All right? And this arrives at 4:00 in Colorado.

1260. Then we got a limo to take us to the lodge.

1261. It's about 100 yards from Rainbow Trout Studio.

1262. What I've done is to arrange a whole load of charts.

1263. Wait till you see this. This is so great.

1264. Now, I know that the band's sign is Virgo

1265. and, you see it, Saturn's in the third house,

1266. all right, and it's a bit rocky.

1267. But because Virgo is one of the most highly intelligent signs of the zodiac,

1268. we're gonna pull through this with great aplomb.

1269. Yeah. And has someone not got one?

1270. It's so clear. Really is. Nigel hasn't got one. Here you go.

1271. It's so clear. Nigel.

1272. Nigel! I've got pages for you. I think Nigel has one.

1273. He's got one. He's got it.

1274. if you have a look at this...

1275. if you think about the jumble the tour book usually is...

1276. No, he's got one. He's got one.

1277. He's got one? All right.

1278. And what's all this on the...

1279. Now, what l want to explain to you here, is that Denver...

1280. How would you characterize your relationship with David over the years?

1281. Has it changed in any way?

1282. Not really. I mean, you know, they go...

1283. We've grown up.

1284. But, really, it's not... No, not really.

1285. We feel like children much of the time, even when we're playing.

1286. We're closer than brothers.

1287. Brothers always fight.

1288. Sort of disagreements and all that.

1289. We really have a relationship that's way, way past that.

1290. He can't play the fucking guitar anymore.

1291. You know the parts.

1292. You did it this morning. No, he doesn't know the...

1293. if he knew the fucking part, he'd play it, wouldn't he?

1294. That's it. Are you walking out?

1295. Fuck. I'm not planning on walking out.

1296. Great. Just tell me

1297. what I'm supposed to do, all right?

1298. Well, we're supposed to play the fucking thing, aren't we?

1299. We have no choice. We spent an hour and half...

1300. Well, I'm doing my part. setting up this...

1301. You know what would make this a lot simpler?

1302. I mean, I hate to cut right to it here.

1303. Why don't you play this alone,

1304. without some fucking angel hanging over your head,

1305. you know what I mean?

1306. Jesus Christ. This is fucking all we need.

1307. You can't fucking concentrate because of your fucking wife.

1308. Simple as that, all right?

1309. It's your fucking wife.

1310. She's not my wife.

1311. Well, whatever the fuck she is, all right?

1312. You can't concentrate.

1313. We can't fucking do that track. This is unbelievable.

1314. This is unbelievable. No, it's not unbelievable at all.

1315. Will you check me on this? It all leads up to this.

1316. Am I losing my fucking mind? It all leads up to this.

1317. Can you check me on this? Am I losing my mind?

1318. I don't understand what this has to do with anything.

1319. We're very lucky in the sense that

1320. we've got two visionaries in the band.

1321. You know, David and Nigel are both... Right.

1322. like poets, you know.

1323. Like Shelley or Byron or people like that.

1324. They're two totally distinct types of visionaries.

1325. It's like fire and ice, basically, you see,

1326. and I feel my role is to, in the band,

1327. is to be kind of in the middle of that.

1328. Kind of like lukewarm water, in a sense.

1329. Listen, I don't think we've got time to go to the hotel.

1330. I think you better go straight to the base.

1331. To the what?

1332. Base? The gig.

1333. Yeah, to the base. To the Civic Arena, right?

1334. Yeah. No!

1335. No, that fell through.

1336. We had it. What do you mean?

1337. Wait a second. Hold it, hold it.

1338. What do you... Do you know about this and we don't know about this?

1339. What are you talking about?

1340. We're going to the Air Force base.

1341. Why are we going to an Air Force base?

1342. 'Cause the original gig fell through.

1343. Lieutenant Hookstratten? Hookstratten.

1344. You are Spinal Tarp?

1345. I'm Jeanine Pettibone and this is Spinal Tap.

1346. Spinal Tap, my mistake.

1347. I'm Lieutenant Bob Hookstratten.

1348. Welcome to Lindberg Air Force Base.

1349. Is this your gentlemen's first visit to a military facility?

1350. Yeah. Fine, may I start by saying

1351. how thrilled we are to have you here?

1352. We are such fans of your music

1353. and all of your records. That's great.

1354. I'm not speaking of yours personally,

1355. but the whole genre of the rock 'n' roll.

1356. I understand that. Yeah.

1357. And so many of the exciting things

1358. that are happening in music today.

1359. And let me explain a bit about what's going on.

1360. This is our monthly "at-ease weekend."

1361. It gives us a chance to kind of let down our hair.

1362. Although, I see you all have a head start on that.

1363. These haircuts wouldn't pass military muster, believe me.

1364. Although, I shouldn't talk.

1365. My hair's getting a little shaggy, too.

1366. Better not get too close to you.

1367. They'll think I'm part of the band.

1368. I'm joking, of course.

1369. Shall we go in, and I'll show you around?

1370. Walk this way, please. Right through here.

1371. Did you ever run into a musical group, works out of Kansas City,

1372. calls himself Four Jacks and a Jill?

1373. They've been at a Ramada lnn there for about 18 months.

1374. if you're ever in Kansas City and you want to hear some good music,

1375. you might want to drop by.

1376. I would like to get the playing on

1377. about 19:00 hours if that's satisfactory.

1378. When will that be?

1379. I make it now, it's about 18:30 hours.

1380. So, that's what? 50 hours?

1381. 120 hours?

1382. That's actually about 30 minutes.

1383. About a half hour, give or take just

1384. a few minutes. I don't want to rush you.

1385. The idea is if we can get it on, then we get it over with.

1386. And I have just one request.

1387. Would you play a couple of slow numbers so I can dance?

1388. Working on a sex farm

1389. Plowing through your bean field

1390. Getting out my pitchfork

1391. Poking your hay

1392. Sex farm woman I'm gonna mow you down

1393. Sex farm woman I'll rake and hoe you down

1394. Sex farm woman

1395. Don't you see my silo rising high? High, high

1396. All units, re-bay at the airport.

1397. We need to know your vicinity.

1398. light speed...

1399. just hitting the bend. 52-49...

1400. Working on a sex farm

1401. But today...

1402. Trying to raise some hard love

1403. Getting out my pitchfork

1404. And you talk to one guy for like...

1405. Poking your hay

1406. Annie and I are crying about the wire line

1407. on our story, you know...

1408. He totally ruined the gig, there.

1409. And he walks off and then, you know...

1410. I mean, he can't be expected to sit at home and get monies.

1411. We've got to get someone else in there.

1412. Has he ever done this before? Has he ever...

1413. Well, no, but... quit the band before?

1414. Well, no, but it's...

1415. You've got to understand that, like,

1416. in the world of rock 'n' roll there are

1417. certain changes that sometimes occur,

1418. and you've just got to, sort of,

1419. roll with them, you know. I mean, this...

1420. You've read... You read that... You know,

1421. you saw exactly how many people

1422. have been in this band over the years.

1423. Thirty-seven people have been in this band over the years.

1424. I mean, it's like, you know, six months from now,

1425. I can't see myself missing Nige any more than I might miss

1426. Ross MacLochness or Ronnie Pudding

1427. or Denny Upham or Little Danny Schindler,

1428. any of those, you know.

1429. I can't believe that.

1430. I can't believe that, you know,

1431. you're lumping Nigel in with

1432. these people you played with for short periods of time.

1433. Well, I'm sure I'd feel much worse

1434. if I weren't under such heavy sedation,

1435. but still, in all, I mean,

1436. you've got to be realistic about this sort of thing, you know.

1437. So what happens to the band now?

1438. What do you mean?

1439. Well, this is... He's not coming back? Or...

1440. No, we shan't work together again.

1441. Oh, no. Great.

1442. if I told them once, I told them a hundred times,

1443. put Spinal Tap first and puppet show last.

1444. It's a morale builder, isn't it?

1445. You've got a big dressing room, though. What?

1446. It's all right. You know, you've got the big dressing room.

1447. We got a bigger dressing room than the puppets?

1448. The Muppet Show. That's refreshing.

1449. I've got some of this Mendocino Rocket Fuel

1450. that's supposed to be really nice.

1451. Can you play...

1452. Excuse me, Viv. Can you play a bass line

1453. like Nigel used to on Big Bottom?

1454. Can you double that? Yeah.

1455. You might recall the line, it's in fifths.

1456. Oh yeah, I've got two hands here. I can do it.

1457. Great. So that's good. We can play that one.

1458. All right, that's it. Hole is out.

1459. Heavy is out.

1460. Heavy, Hole, Heavy, Hole... Right, right, right. We know.

1461. America we know is out. America we can't do.

1462. That's Nigel's tune. That's not my tune.

1463. We know, we know.

1464. That's a nice little set, isn't it?

1465. That's a cozy 10 minutes.

1466. What we gonna do? We got nothing to play here.

1467. We got nothing.

1468. I'll tell you what we're gonna have to do.

1469. What?

1470. Jazz Odyssey.

1471. We're not going about to do a free-form jazz exploration

1472. in front of a festival crowd.

1473. You are witnesses at the new birth of Spinal Tap Mark II.

1474. Hope you enjoy our new direction.

1475. On the bass, Derek Smalls. He wrote this.

1476. So, tonight's the last show of the tour.

1477. How's that feel?

1478. You know, is this, like, your last waltz?

1479. Are we talking the end of Spinal Tap?

1480. Or are you going to try to milk it for

1481. a few more years in Europe? I mean...

1482. Well, I don't, I don't really think that the end can be assessed,

1483. as of itself, as being the end,

1484. because what does the end feel like?

1485. It's like saying when you try and extrapolate the end of the universe.

1486. if you say the end... if the universe is indeed infinite,

1487. then how... What does that mean?

1488. How far is all the way?

1489. And then if it stops, what's stopping it,

1490. and what's behind what's stopping it?

1491. So, "What's the end," you know... Mmm-hmm.

1492. is my question to you.

1493. It's a good crowd. Good crowd.

1494. It is, isn't it?

1495. Yeah, it really is. I mean, you know, some of these things just...

1496. Well, it's hard to get at the last minute, you know?

1497. You can't arrange it all overnight.

1498. David, we had a 15-year ride, mate.

1499. I mean, who wants to be a fucking 45-year-old rock 'n' roller

1500. farting around in front of people less than half their age?

1501. That is so true, yeah.

1502. Cranking out some kind of mediocre head-banging bullshit,

1503. you know, that we forgot...

1504. Yeah, well, it's beneath us.

1505. That's right.

1506. Who wants to see it? Absolutely right.

1507. Not me. I mean, you can take all those projects

1508. that we thought, you know, we didn't...

1509. Oh, there's dozens, they're so...

1510. You know, we didn't have time for them because of Tap,

1511. and bring them back to life, maybe.

1512. Do you remember what we were... Do you remember...

1513. At the Luton Palace, we were talking about a rock musical

1514. based on the life of Jack the Ripper.

1515. Yeah, Saucy Jack. Right, Saucy Jack.

1516. Saucy Jack. Now's the time to do that.

1517. You're a naughty one, Saucy Jack

1518. You're a haughty one, Saucy Jack

1519. Right. Bit of freeing up, isn't it?

1520. It's all this free time is... Suddenly, time is so elastic.

1521. It's a gift. It's a gift of freedom.

1522. I've always wanted to do a collection of my acoustic numbers

1523. with the London Philharmonic, as you know.

1524. We're lucky. Yeah.

1525. I mean, people should be, people should be envying us, you know.

1526. I envy us. Yeah.

1527. I do. Me, too.

1528. It's gonna be fine, right?

1529. We'll make them miss us.

1530. Nice thought.

1531. I'm in.

1532. I'm in tune.

1533. Come on, The last tuning. let's go in.

1534. I think we should go in, huh? The last tuning.

1535. I think it's time to go, right?

1536. Can we go?

1537. Yeah.

1538. All right, we're going to do a good show, a dynamite show.

1539. Come to see the show?

1540. Yeah.

1541. Hi, Mick. Nige.

1542. So, did you just come here to hang around backstage,

1543. like a real rock 'n' roller?

1544. Is that what you're doing?

1545. I'm really a messenger.

1546. Oh, a messenger? Yeah.

1547. I bumped into lan, and...

1548. lan? lan?

1549. Oh, the other dead man, yeah.

1550. Seems that Sex Farm is on the charts in Japan.

1551. Spinal Tap's recording, Sex Farm?

1552. It's number five last week, actually, and...

1553. So, he...

1554. He asked me to ask you, Tap,

1555. if you'd be interested in reforming and doing a tour, Japan.

1556. So you've come back to re-plug

1557. our life-support systems in, is that it?

1558. By the grace of your...

1559. By the stroke of your hand, you're going to set us...

1560. Is that what you're going to do?

1561. You gonna bring us back to life?

1562. That what you've come here for? No, I've come...

1563. I mean, it's... Don't you...

1564. The fucking nerve that you display in coming...

1565. No, that's...

1566. I'm just passing on the information, really.

1567. Yeah, well, I think it's time to go in.

1568. We haven't got time to discuss this now.

1569. Come on.

1570. All right?

1571. David...

1572. Do a good show, all right?

1573. Yeah, okay.

1574. Little girl, it's a great big world

1575. But there's only one of me

1576. You can't touch 'cause I cost too much

1577. But, tonight, I'm gonna rock you

1578. Tonight, I'm gonna rock you

1579. Tonight, I'm gonna rock you

1580. Tonight, I'm gonna rock you

1581. Tonight!

1582. You're sweet, but you're just 4 feet

1583. And you still got your baby teeth

1584. You're too young and I'm too well-hung

1585. But, tonight, I'm gonna rock you

1586. Tonight, I'm gonna rock you

1587. Tonight, I'm gonna rock you

1588. Tonight, I'm gonna rock you

1589. Tonight!

1590. Oh, yeah!

1591. Nigel Tufnel, lead guitar!

1592. You're hot, you take all we got

1593. Not a dry seat in the house

1594. Next day, we'll be on our way

1595. But, tonight, I'm gonna rock you

1596. Yeah, tonight, we're gonna rock you

1597. Tonight, I'm gonna rock you

1598. Tonight!

1599. Little girl, it's a great big world

1600. But there's only one of

1601. Me!

1602. Do you feel that playing rock 'n' roll music keeps you a child?

1603. That is, keeps you in a state of arrested development?

1604. No, no. No, I feel it's like...

1605. It's more like going to a national park or something,

1606. and there's, you know, they preserve the moose.

1607. And that's my childhood up there

1608. on stage, is that moose, you know?

1609. So, when you're playing, you feel like a preserved moose on stage?

1610. Yeah.

1611. I've been listening to the classics.

1612. I belong to a great series.

1613. It's called the Namesake Series, of cassettes.

1614. And they send you the works of famous authors

1615. done by actors with the same last name.

1616. So I've got Denholm Elliott reading T.S. Eliot on this one.

1617. Well, that's interesting. Yes.

1618. I've got Danny Thomas doing A Child's

1619. Christmas in Wales by Dylan Thomas.

1620. And next month, it's McLean Stevenson reads Robert Louis Stevenson.

1621. Treasure lsland, I believe.

1622. That's interesting. That's fascinating. Yeah.

1623. There's also something...

1624. There's a shorter works of Washington lrving

1625. read by someone called Dr. J.

1626. Oh, that's Julius Erving.

1627. There you go. Julius Erving, the basketball player.

1628. In keeping with the series, yeah.

1629. I didn't know that.

1630. You like this?

1631. It's very nice. It looks like Halloween.

1632. This is my exact inner structure, done in a T-shirt.

1633. Exactly medically accurate. See?

1634. So, in other words, if we were to

1635. take all your flesh and blood...

1636. Take them off. And you'd see...

1637. This is what you'd see.

1638. It wouldn't be green, though.

1639. It is green.

1640. You know, see how your blood looks blue?

1641. Yeah, well, that's just the vein,

1642. I mean, the color of the vein, I mean.

1643. The blood is actually red.

1644. Oh, maybe it's not green, then.

1645. Anyway, this is what I sleep in sometimes. Yeah.

1646. Denis Eton-Hogg, the president

1647. of Polymer Records, was recently knighted.

1648. What were the circumstances surrounding his knighthood?

1649. The specific reason why he was knighted

1650. was for the founding of Hoggwood,

1651. which is a summer camp for pale young boys.

1652. David St. Hubbins,

1653. I must admit, I've never heard of anybody with that name.

1654. It's an unusual name.

1655. Well, he was an unusual saint.

1656. He's not a very well-known saint.

1657. Oh, there actually is... There was a St. Hubbins?

1658. Oh, yes. That's right, yes.

1659. Yeah. What was he the saint of?

1660. He was the patron saint of quality footwear.

1661. You play to predominantly a white audience.

1662. Do you feel your music is racist in any way?

1663. No, not at all. No, of course not.

1664. You know, we say, "Love your brother."

1665. We don't say it, really, but...

1666. We don't literally say it. No, we don't say it.

1667. We don't really literally mean it. We don't believe it either.

1668. But we're not racists. But...

1669. That message should be clear, anyway.

1670. We're anything but racists.

1671. You know, we've grown musically.

1672. I mean, you listen to some of the rubbish

1673. we did early on, it was stupid. Yeah.

1674. You know, now, I mean, a song like Sex Farm,

1675. we're taking a sophisticated

1676. view of the idea of sex, you know, and...

1677. Putting it on a farm. Yeah.

1678. if I were to ask you what your philosophy

1679. of life or your creed, what would that be?

1680. Have a good time all the time.

1681. That's my philosophy, Marty.

1682. I believe virtually everything I read,

1683. and I think that is what makes me more of a selective human

1684. than someone who doesn't believe anything.

1685. Do you have a philosophy or creed that you live by?

1686. Well, you know, personally, I like to think about

1687. sex and drugs and rock 'n' roll, you know.

1688. That's my life. Yeah.

1689. if you were to have something written as your epitaph...

1690. "Here lies David St. Hubbins,

1691. "and why not?"

1692. You feel that sums up your...

1693. No, it's the first thing I could think of. Oh, I see.

1694. It doesn't sum up anything, really.

1695. Yeah.

1696. I'm a real fish nut. I really like fish.

1697. What kind of fish?

1698. Well, in the United States, you have cod.

1699. I like cod.

1700. And I love tuna, those little cans you've got here.

1701. Tuna fish. Yeah.

1702. No bones. Yeah.

1703. if you could not play rock 'n' roll, what would you do?

1704. I'd be a full-time dreamer.

1705. I'd probably get a bit stupid and start

1706. to make a fool of myself in public,

1707. 'cause there wouldn't be a stage to go on.

1708. Probably work with children.

1709. As long as there's, you know, sex and drugs,

1710. I can do without the rock 'n' roll.

1711. I suppose l could work in a shop of some kind,

1712. or do freelance selling of some sort of product.

1713. A salesman? You think...

1714. A salesman. Maybe in a haberdasher.

1715. Or maybe like a chapeau shop or something.

1716. You know, like, "Would you... What size do you wear, sir?"

1717. And then you answer me.

1718. Seven and a quarter.

1719. "l think we have that."

1720. See, something like that, I could do. Yeah.

1721. Do you think you'd be happy doing something...

1722. "No, we're all out. Do you wear black?"

1723. See, that sort of thing I think I could probably muster up.

1724. Yeah. Do you think you'd be happy doing that?

1725. Well, I don't know. What are the hours?