1. His friends would say
"Stop whining," they've had enough of thatCopy !req
2. His friends would say
"Stop pining, there's other girls to look at"Copy !req
3. They've tried to set him up
With Tiffany and IndigoCopy !req
4. But there's something about Mary
That they don't knowCopy !req
5. MaryCopy !req
6. There's just something about MaryCopy !req
7. Well, his friends say
"Look, life's no fairy tale"Copy !req
8. That he should have some fun
He's suffered long enoughCopy !req
9. Well, they may know
About domestic and imported aleCopy !req
10. But they don't know a thing about loveCopy !req
11. Well, his friends would say
He's dreaming and living in the pastCopy !req
12. But they've never fallen in love
So his friends need not be askedCopy !req
13. His friends would say, "Be reasonable"
His friends would say, "Let go"Copy !req
14. But there's something about Mary
That they don't knowCopy !req
15. MaryCopy !req
16. There's just something about MaryCopy !req
17. When I was 16 years old, I fell in love.Copy !req
18. Hey, Renise.Copy !req
19. Hey.Copy !req
20. So, what's up?Copy !req
21. Cool.Copy !req
22. So I was wondering, I don't know
if maybe you wanted to and— Or not.Copy !req
23. If you don't want to, you don't have to.Copy !req
24. I just wondered if maybe
you were going to the prom, and—Copy !req
25. Or if you felt like that,
maybe you'd wanna go with me.Copy !req
26. Or, I mean, whatever. If you didn't...Copy !req
27. Did you take that bio test?
Because that was, like—Copy !req
28. I heard this rumor that this guy I like
was gonna ask me...Copy !req
29. so I'm gonna wait and see
what happens there.Copy !req
30. That sounds great. Yeah.Copy !req
31. Okay.Copy !req
32. - So is that, like, a yes or a no or...?
- I thought I made it perfectly clear.Copy !req
33. If everything else falls apart...Copy !req
34. maybe.Copy !req
35. I'm gonna hold you to that.Copy !req
36. - Hey, guys.
- Hey, Mary.Copy !req
37. I wonder who she's going with.Copy !req
38. Her name was Mary.Copy !req
39. She moved to our little Rhode Island town
from Minnesota two years earlier.Copy !req
40. What a fox.Copy !req
41. I heard she's going
with some guy named Woogie.Copy !req
42. - Who?
- Big guy. Goes to Barrington High.Copy !req
43. Woogie from Bore-ington High?
Sounds like a loser.Copy !req
44. Loser?Copy !req
45. Woogie's only, like, all-state football
and basketball and fucking valedictorian.Copy !req
46. I heard he got a scholarship to Princeton,
but he's going to Europe first to model.Copy !req
47. Yeah? I was thinking of doing that.Copy !req
48. Sorry.Copy !req
49. Have you—? Have you seen my baseball?Copy !req
50. No, no. Sorry, man. Haven't seen it.Copy !req
51. Have you seen my baseball?Copy !req
52. - No.
- Sorry.Copy !req
53. Hey, check it out.Copy !req
54. Have you seen my baseball?Copy !req
55. Hey, buddy. Come here.
I think I know where your ball is.Copy !req
56. - You seen my baseball?
- Yeah, yeah, I seen it.Copy !req
57. You see that girl over there?Copy !req
58. She has it,
except she doesn't call it a baseball.Copy !req
59. She's got another name for it.Copy !req
60. Nice muffs.Copy !req
61. - Have you seen my wiener?
- What?Copy !req
62. Have you seen my wiener?Copy !req
63. - What the hell did you just say, buddy?
- Wiener?Copy !req
64. Get your hand off my car.
What the hell did you just say to me?Copy !req
65. My wiener.Copy !req
66. You fucking son of a bitch.
I'm gonna fucking kick your ass.Copy !req
67. - Come on, get up, fat boy. Let's go.
- Hey, Smokey, take it easy.Copy !req
68. - Who the fuck are you?
- The guy's not all there.Copy !req
69. Get out of my face. Come on.
You want the first punch?Copy !req
70. - Yeah! Fight, fight, fight!
- Fight, fight, fight!Copy !req
71. What's the matter with you? Stop it.Copy !req
72. - You okay, Warren?
- Mary, have you seen my baseball?Copy !req
73. No, I haven't seen your baseball.Copy !req
74. What are you doing leaving the yard?
You're not supposed to leave by yourself.Copy !req
75. - You know him?
- He's my brother.Copy !req
76. I'm her brother.Copy !req
77. - Warren.
- I didn't realize, you know?Copy !req
78. - You ought to tell him to watch his mouth.
- Jerk.Copy !req
79. - Are you okay?
- Oh, yeah, I'm fine.Copy !req
80. You okay?Copy !req
81. Thanks, Ted.Copy !req
82. I couldn't believe it. She knew my name.Copy !req
83. Some of my best friends
didn't know my name.Copy !req
84. I think that Joe Montana is, like,
the most underrated quarterback.Copy !req
85. I mean, he should've been
a first-round draft pick.Copy !req
86. Look what he did at Notre Dame.
It's so ridiculous.Copy !req
87. - Exactly.
- I'm telling you, this year, it's the 49ers.Copy !req
88. - 49ers.
- All the way.Copy !req
89. - Piggyback ride. Piggyback.
- Warren, stop it. Leave Ted alone.Copy !req
90. No, that's okay, I'll do it.
I mean, if you think he can hold me.Copy !req
91. Are you kidding me? He's 230 pounds,
he can hold you. You don't have to.Copy !req
92. No, it's okay. I got a little disc thing,
but it's all right. Here we go.Copy !req
93. Giddyup, Warren. There we go.Copy !req
94. - That's fun, huh, Warren?
- He's a real Clydesdale, isn't he?Copy !req
95. Yeah, Warren, bucking bronco. Okay.Copy !req
96. My turn now. My turn.Copy !req
97. - Okay, well, I don't—
- It's okay, Ted. You don't have to.Copy !req
98. - Giddyup. Giddyup.
- That's fun.Copy !req
99. That's fun, huh, Warren?Copy !req
100. That was fun.Copy !req
101. - He's only 230, huh?
- Yeah.Copy !req
102. - I'm in the yard now. I'll hide.
- Okay, go hide.Copy !req
103. - He's got a lot of energy.
- Yeah.Copy !req
104. - He's great. I have a lot of fun with him.
- Yeah.Copy !req
105. - Thanks for walking us back.
- Yeah, no problem.Copy !req
106. - I'm just gonna— I'm gonna—
- So are you going to the prom?Copy !req
107. - I think proms are dumb.
- I thought maybe we could go together.Copy !req
108. Oh, you're gonna go with, like,
a bunch of people, or...?Copy !req
109. Yeah. If you want a designated driver—Copy !req
110. No, no. I mean you and me.Copy !req
111. Like, we could go together.
The two of us.Copy !req
112. - You and me?
- Yeah.Copy !req
113. Well, is that a yes or a no?Copy !req
114. - Sure. All right.
- Good.Copy !req
115. Cool.Copy !req
116. I'm gonna take Warren back inside.
I'll see you at school.Copy !req
117. - Bye.
- Cool. Catch you back at school.Copy !req
118. From that moment on, the guys at school
looked at me in a whole new light.Copy !req
119. You're a fucking liar.Copy !req
120. Do you expect us to believe
that you're going to the prom with Mary?Copy !req
121. What's so crazy about that?Copy !req
122. Oh, yeah, dirt bud,
and I'm going with Cyndi Lauper.Copy !req
123. - What happened to Woogie?
- She said she broke up with him.Copy !req
124. - That he was getting weird on her.
- I got 20 bucks that says you're full of shit.Copy !req
125. - Why not make it a hundred?
- Rock on.Copy !req
126. - I'm in.
- Me too.Copy !req
127. I've paid him enough money. I'm not paying
until the job gets done. He can kiss my ass.Copy !req
128. What the hell do you want?Copy !req
129. I'm Ted Stroehmann.
I'm here to take Mary to the prom.Copy !req
130. Prom?Copy !req
131. Mary went to the prom 20 minutes ago
with her boyfriend, Woogie.Copy !req
132. - Woogie?
- Woogie.Copy !req
133. I see.Copy !req
134. Charlie, you are so mean.Copy !req
135. This is Mary's stepfather, Charlie.
I'm Sheila, her mother.Copy !req
136. Ted, don't pay attention to anything
he says. He's a laugh a minute.Copy !req
137. That's very funny.Copy !req
138. I'm just having a little fun with the guy.
It's prom night.Copy !req
139. Woogie's got a sense of humor.Copy !req
140. Oh, hey. Hi, Warren.Copy !req
141. Listen, once he gets into that MTV,
he'll be there for quite a while.Copy !req
142. Here she comes.
Oh, honey, you look beautiful.Copy !req
143. Shit, look at that.
You better be careful, boy.Copy !req
144. Hi, Ted.Copy !req
145. Hi, Mary. You look really pretty.Copy !req
146. Thanks. I like your colors.Copy !req
147. Oh, thanks.
The guy said it was tan and taupe.Copy !req
148. Poor Ted's been getting it both barrels
from the wisenheimer here.Copy !req
149. Dad, you haven't been busting Ted's chops,
have you?Copy !req
150. I was just fucking with him, right, Ted?
You know.Copy !req
151. - Hey, Warren, did you say hi to Ted?
- About 10 times.Copy !req
152. Okay.Copy !req
153. Hey, Warren,
I think I found your baseball.Copy !req
154. - You've seen my baseball?
- Well, if it's a big white one?Copy !req
155. With little red stitching?Copy !req
156. Yup, it is.Copy !req
157. Then I think I saw it
right behind your ear.Copy !req
158. Warren, Warren, Warren. Hold it.Copy !req
159. Get up, boy. Hey, Warren.Copy !req
160. Be careful, man.Copy !req
161. - Get up, man.
- Warren.Copy !req
162. Let go of him. Get down from there.Copy !req
163. - Hey, Ted, what are you doing, man?
- Ted. Ted.Copy !req
164. Warren, put him down now.Copy !req
165. - What the hell are you doing?
- Here, here. Mary, come around here.Copy !req
166. This is my house, here.Copy !req
167. - Okay, sweetheart, okay.
- It's okay, Warren. It's okay. Here you go.Copy !req
168. - What's the matter with you?
- I was trying to give him the baseball.Copy !req
169. - Baseball? What baseball?
- I had a baseball. I know he likes baseball.Copy !req
170. - What baseball?
- There was a— It's right—Copy !req
171. There was a baseball here, I swear.Copy !req
172. I brought him a baseball,
and I was just trying to give him a present.Copy !req
173. - Are you yelling at me in my own house?
- No.Copy !req
174. Don't make me have to open
a can of whup-ass on you.Copy !req
175. Ted, I should have told you.
He has a thing about his ears.Copy !req
176. You all right, Warren?Copy !req
177. Honey, your strap's broken.Copy !req
178. You're right.Copy !req
179. Hey, Ted, I'm just gonna go upstairs
real quick, okay?Copy !req
180. I just need two minutes.Copy !req
181. - I gotta fix my dress.
- I'll help you, honey.Copy !req
182. - Yeah, yeah.
- Can I use your bathroom, sir?Copy !req
183. I've gotta—Copy !req
184. - He broke the table.
- Son of a bitch.Copy !req
185. - I didn't do it.
- It's all right. It's all right.Copy !req
186. - I swear there was—
- The bathroom is that way.Copy !req
187. —a baseball.Copy !req
188. Maybe I'll open up a can of whup-ass
on him.Copy !req
189. Trying to do the kid a favor.Copy !req
190. Is he looking at you? What is he—?Copy !req
191. - What is he doing down there?
- Oh, no, I—Copy !req
192. - No, no, I wasn't— I wasn't—
- Mom, wait.Copy !req
193. - Cover yourself. Cover yourself.
- Shit!Copy !req
194. - Ted, are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine. Everything's okay.Copy !req
195. Okay. Okay, just take your time.
It's all right.Copy !req
196. You know, he's been in there
over a half an hour.Copy !req
197. Charlie, I think he's masturbating.Copy !req
198. - Oh, come on.
- Mom.Copy !req
199. He's not masturbating.Copy !req
200. He was watching you undress
with a silly grin on his face.Copy !req
201. No, I was watching the birds.Copy !req
202. - Do something.
- What do you want me to do?Copy !req
203. I think he needs some male help.Copy !req
204. - Oh, for crying out—
- No, Dad, just give him a minute.Copy !req
205. - Okay, kid. Listen, I'm coming in, okay?
- No, no. Don't.Copy !req
206. Now, exactly what the hell is the situation?
What, did you shit yourself?Copy !req
207. Oh, I wish.Copy !req
208. I got it stuck.Copy !req
209. You got what stuck?Copy !req
210. It.Copy !req
211. It.Copy !req
212. Well, listen, it's not the end of the world.
These kind of things happen.Copy !req
213. Let's have a look at it.Copy !req
214. Oh, for God and heaven's sake!Copy !req
215. - Quiet.
- Sheila.Copy !req
216. - No.
- Sheila, honey?Copy !req
217. Don't—Copy !req
218. Sheila, honey, you gotta come here.
You gotta see this.Copy !req
219. - What is it?
- What? No.Copy !req
220. - Come in here, honey.
- No. No, don't.Copy !req
221. Don't worry, she's a dental hygienist.
She'll know what to do.Copy !req
222. - Hi, Ted.
- Hi, Mrs. Jensen. How are you?Copy !req
223. - You okay?
- Yeah.Copy !req
224. Holy shit.Copy !req
225. - Charlie, you could have warned me.
- Keep it down.Copy !req
226. - Okay, I...
- I'm sorry, Mrs. Jensen.Copy !req
227. I don't want Mary to—
I don't want her to hear.Copy !req
228. Yeah. Let's just relax here, okay?Copy !req
229. Now, what exactly
are we looking at here?Copy !req
230. - What do you mean? What—?
- Well, I mean, is it the...?Copy !req
231. Or the...?Copy !req
232. - Is it the frank or the beans?
- Right.Copy !req
233. I don't know. It looks like—
I think it's a little bit of both.Copy !req
234. - Franks and beans. Franks and beans.
- Warren, quiet.Copy !req
235. - What's that bubble there?
- What do you think? It's a—Copy !req
236. Well, how the hell did you get the beans
above the frank? I mean—Copy !req
237. I don't know. It wasn't like
it was a well-thought-out plan.Copy !req
238. You know, there really does seem to be
a lot of skin coming through there...Copy !req
239. so I'm gonna find some Bactine, honey.Copy !req
240. No. You know what?
I don't need any. Really.Copy !req
241. - Hello there.
- Oh, Christ.Copy !req
242. What the hell's going on here?Copy !req
243. - Neighbors said they heard a lady scream.
- Well, you're looking at him.Copy !req
244. You gotta take a look at this thing.Copy !req
245. - Oh, Jesus.
- Ain't it a beaut?Copy !req
246. What the hell were you thinking?Copy !req
247. How the hell did you get the zipper
all the way to the top?Copy !req
248. Well, let's just say the kid's limber.Copy !req
249. - Christ. What the—? God.
- You okay?Copy !req
250. Somebody's gonna have to move
that station wagon so I can get in.Copy !req
251. - Lenny, come here.
- Who—?Copy !req
252. Take a look at what this numbnuts did.Copy !req
253. Holy shit.Copy !req
254. Mike, Eddie, get down here quick.
Bring everybody. Bring a camera.Copy !req
255. You're not gonna believe this.
We got a kid down here—Copy !req
256. - What's your name?
- No, I...Copy !req
257. No, there's only one thing to do here.Copy !req
258. What? No. You know what? I got an idea.
Look, look. I can just—Copy !req
259. We don't have to do anything, because,
look, I can just wear this over the front.Copy !req
260. - I can go to the prom, deal with it later.
- Son, relax.Copy !req
261. You already laid the tracks.
That's the hard part.Copy !req
262. Now we're just gonna back it up.Copy !req
263. Teddy, be brave.Copy !req
264. It's just like pulling off a Band-Aid.Copy !req
265. A one and a two...Copy !req
266. and a...Copy !req
267. - We got a bleeder.
- Keep the pressure on it. Keep it on.Copy !req
268. Everybody get out of the way.Copy !req
269. - He was masturbating.
- People, please move out of the way.Copy !req
270. - Please, move. This is serious, people.
- He was masturbating.Copy !req
271. - Move out of the way.
- None of this ever happened to Woogie.Copy !req
272. Are you okay, Ted?Copy !req
273. - Ted.
- He was masturbating.Copy !req
274. - My God, are you all right?
- Killer.Copy !req
275. Okay. Okay, Ted.Copy !req
276. - Okay, let's roll.
- All right, folks, it's over. Go home.Copy !req
277. Let's go. It's over.Copy !req
278. So anyway,
school ended a couple of days later...Copy !req
279. and her father
got transferred to Florida in July.Copy !req
280. So I worked all summer
to pay off those debts and...Copy !req
281. well, I never saw Mary again.Copy !req
282. That was, what?Copy !req
283. - Thirteen years ago.
- Well, that's very interesting.Copy !req
284. Anyway, I know it's not the type of thing
you'd forget, but I guess I just—Copy !req
285. I kind of, you know—Copy !req
286. I must have blocked it out of my head
or something...Copy !req
287. because I was driving down the highway
last week...Copy !req
288. and I started thinking about Mary,
and all of a sudden...Copy !req
289. it was like I couldn't breathe.
I mean, I was— I was—Copy !req
290. I felt like I was gonna die.Copy !req
291. So I pulled off the road
and I just sort of stopped in this...Copy !req
292. I guess it was a rest area.
I was just kind of shaking, and...Copy !req
293. You know,
rest areas are homosexual hangouts.Copy !req
294. Highway rest areas.Copy !req
295. They're the bathhouses of the '90s
for many, many, many gay men.Copy !req
296. So, what are you—?Copy !req
297. What are you saying?Copy !req
298. Time, she's up.Copy !req
299. We'll delve into that next week.Copy !req
300. Well, you know, you are a writer,
and writers are artists.Copy !req
301. And most artists are a little foofy.
A little, you know—Copy !req
302. A little foofy?
Thanks for the support. Really.Copy !req
303. Hey, guys, I thought you might like
some of these with your beers.Copy !req
304. - Yes, indeed. Ted, help yourself.
- I don't think I'm gonna have one.Copy !req
305. - Thanks, though.
- You don't want one?Copy !req
306. What do you want?
You want something else?Copy !req
307. - Come on. You want something to eat?
- Not hungry.Copy !req
308. You sure? You want a cookie? Something
like that? Honey, we got cookies?Copy !req
309. No, we don't, but, you know,
I could bake some.Copy !req
310. - No, no, no. Don't bake any.
- No, that's a good idea.Copy !req
311. - Bake some. Bake some Toll Houses.
- Oh, great. Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
312. - Chocolate chip or butterscotch?
- Let's go with the chocolate chip.Copy !req
313. - Really, you don't— It's—
- No, it's fine. Don't worry about it.Copy !req
314. - Really. She loves this kind of thing.
- Really?Copy !req
315. - Yeah.
- See, that's great.Copy !req
316. That's what I want.Copy !req
317. A family and somebody to, you know...Copy !req
318. It must be wonderful having all this.Copy !req
319. Each day is better than the next.Copy !req
320. How about you? The big L?Copy !req
321. - Ever been?
- What?Copy !req
322. In love.Copy !req
323. Well, once.Copy !req
324. Mary.Copy !req
325. Oh, God. Not Mary again.Copy !req
326. Look, I know it was brief,
but it was definitely love, Dom.Copy !req
327. I mean,
crushes don't last for 13 years, right?Copy !req
328. Whatever happened to Mary?Copy !req
329. Told you, she moved with her family
to Miami.Copy !req
330. So why don't you look her up?Copy !req
331. I did once. I called. She wasn't listed.Copy !req
332. So that's it? You get one bump in the road
and give up?Copy !req
333. Well, it's probably for the best.
After 13 years...Copy !req
334. she's probably gonna think
I'm a stalker.Copy !req
335. You know what you should do?
Hire a private investigator.Copy !req
336. To find her, follow her around.
She won't know anything.Copy !req
337. No way. That's way too creepy.Copy !req
338. Besides, she's probably married with
a couple of kids by now. Girls like Mary...Copy !req
339. they don't stay single.Copy !req
340. Hey, I've got an idea. There's this guy
down in my office. His name's Healy.Copy !req
341. He's a claims investigator.
He's a hell of a bloodhound.Copy !req
342. He shoots down to Miami
every couple of weeks. He can help you out.Copy !req
343. This guy runs a little hot,
but he gets the job done.Copy !req
344. So...Copy !req
345. Dom tells me you're looking for
some lady friend you knew back at school.Copy !req
346. Yeah. Yeah.Copy !req
347. That's cute. I don't buy it, but it's cute.Copy !req
348. You're not buying what?Copy !req
349. Ted, I'm the kind of guy
who likes to shoot from the hip.Copy !req
350. I want you to level with me.Copy !req
351. Come on, let's talk.
Did you knock this skirt up?Copy !req
352. No.Copy !req
353. - She's blackmailing you, right?
- Blackmailing me? No.Copy !req
354. - You want her dead, don't you?
- Dead?Copy !req
355. Are you—? You're not serious, are you?Copy !req
356. You expect me to believe
this is a straight stalker case? Come on.Copy !req
357. Hey, hey, hey. I'm not a stalker.
I'm not a stalker, all right?Copy !req
358. - She's a friend of mine.
- Oh, sure she is.Copy !req
359. That explains why
she's got an unlisted number...Copy !req
360. and you haven't heard squat from her
in 13 years.Copy !req
361. Yeah, real chum.Copy !req
362. - What—?
- You're good, Ted. Real piece of work.Copy !req
363. What are you—? You know what?
Forget it. Just forget the whole thing.Copy !req
364. Okay, I'll do it.Copy !req
365. But if this chick turns up with a toe tag,
I'm rolling over on you, big guy.Copy !req
366. All right.Copy !req
367. Healy, you dog.Copy !req
368. Sully. Look at you.Copy !req
369. You hot shit. You look fucking pisser.Copy !req
370. Hey. Hey, good fella.Copy !req
371. - Does he bite?
- A little bit.Copy !req
372. Get in.Copy !req
373. - Here's the info you asked for.
- Thanks.Copy !req
374. You know, you should thank me.
That girl was not easy to find.Copy !req
375. What, did she scam you
out of some insurance dough?Copy !req
376. No. Some guy gave me a couple bucks
to track down his high school girlfriend.Copy !req
377. Stalker, huh?Copy !req
378. Yep. Bigtime.Copy !req
379. Looks like we found your Mary, Ted.Copy !req
380. negative.Copy !req
381. Children and a Labrador: negative.Copy !req
382. Tight little package: affirmative.Copy !req
383. Good morning, Magda.Copy !req
384. - Hi, doll. You're in my light.
- Sorry.Copy !req
385. - So you've been out here all night again?
- Bet your ass I have.Copy !req
386. This is an important job,
neighborhood watch is.Copy !req
387. Neighborhood watch.
Is that what we're calling it?Copy !req
388. Listening to perfect strangers'
telephone conversations.Copy !req
389. This only picks up cellular phones
in a half-a-mile radius.Copy !req
390. Meaning?Copy !req
391. These are the people you live amongst.
You got a right to know if they're creeps.Copy !req
392. For instance, do you know the guy
in the green house down the street?Copy !req
393. Yeah.Copy !req
394. Cheating on his wife.Copy !req
395. And I am not surprised.
I am not surprised at all...Copy !req
396. because Puffy used to bark his balls off
whenever he saw him.Copy !req
397. And you know that Puffy,
he only barks at the bad people.Copy !req
398. Okay.Copy !req
399. Well, I'm gonna go hit some golf balls
and hook up with Warren...Copy !req
400. so try to get some sleep.Copy !req
401. - Okay. Bye, doll.
- Bye.Copy !req
402. Hello.Copy !req
403. Hey, Herb. How's it going?
Apple for you today.Copy !req
404. Thanks, Mary.Copy !req
405. - Have a good day. See you later.
- Looking good, honey.Copy !req
406. - Hi, Mary.
- Hey, Mrs. Bailey. How you doing?Copy !req
407. Looks like we got a jock on our hands.Copy !req
408. - Here, you want the sports page?
- Thank you.Copy !req
409. - Take care now.
- Bye, guys. See you.Copy !req
410. Yeah. Remember, I have two, Mary.Copy !req
411. Yeah. You can have two halves,
just like everybody else.Copy !req
412. Yeah, that's good.Copy !req
413. - Will you marry me, Mary?
- I would love to, Jimmy.Copy !req
414. But I'm already engaged to Freddie.Copy !req
415. - Who's Freddie? Me?
- Yes, you.Copy !req
416. Will you marry me?Copy !req
417. What about Dolores?
You gonna marry us both?Copy !req
418. I'm gonna kiss you.Copy !req
419. I think you're making out
pretty well there. Okay.Copy !req
420. - Thanks, Mary.
- You're welcome, Zack.Copy !req
421. - No onions.
- No onions.Copy !req
422. No onions. How are you doing?Copy !req
423. Listen to this one.Copy !req
424. "Seeking sensitive Wasp doctor
to share candlelit dinners...Copy !req
425. long walks in Coconut Grove,
marriage."Copy !req
426. Is she looking for a corpse?
You have to be specific when you write.Copy !req
427. You have to say
"Seeking deaf-mute with, you know...Copy !req
428. 3-pound cock and trust fund."Copy !req
429. I want a guy who can play 36 holes
and still have enough energy...Copy !req
430. to take me and Warren to a ball game
and eat hot dogs.Copy !req
431. I'm talking sausage hot dogs, beer.
Not lite beer, but beer.Copy !req
432. That's my ad. Print it up.Copy !req
433. A fatty who likes beer and golf.Copy !req
434. Jeez, Mary,
where are you gonna find a gem like that?Copy !req
435. Okay, well, here's the catch.Copy !req
436. He has to be self-employed.Copy !req
437. Like a drug dealer?Copy !req
438. No, I was thinking along the lines, maybe,
of somebody like an architect or something.Copy !req
439. But I want somebody
with freedom in their job, you know?Copy !req
440. Somebody who can do it anywhere
and just leave at a drop of a hat.Copy !req
441. And where would you
and your beer-bellied architect be going to?Copy !req
442. - The Super Bowl?
- Yeah.Copy !req
443. That's good.Copy !req
444. I don't know.
Maybe a few months in Nepal.Copy !req
445. Nepal.Copy !req
446. And you'd probably dump the poor guy
halfway to Katmandu.Copy !req
447. What's that supposed to mean?Copy !req
448. - It means you change your mind too much.
- No, I don't.Copy !req
449. Come off it, Mary.Copy !req
450. Remember that gorgeous,
corn-fed white boy, honey...Copy !req
451. that you just dumped
like yesterday's garbage?Copy !req
452. What was his name? Pack man.Copy !req
453. Okay, we had fun for a while.Copy !req
454. Mary, cut the crap.
What really happened with Brett?Copy !req
455. Yeah, Brett seemed so sweet.Copy !req
456. You know what Tucker said
Brett told him?Copy !req
457. He said that if Warren wasn't in my life...Copy !req
458. that he would have popped the question
a long time ago.Copy !req
459. - Oh, man.
- What a shock.Copy !req
460. To hell with Brett, you know?Copy !req
461. I've got a vibrator.Copy !req
462. Those are the plays of the month.
Thank you for joining us.Copy !req
463. Look forward to seeing you next Sunday
on The Sports Machine. Have a good week.Copy !req
464. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
465. Here comes the money shot.Copy !req
466. First chink in the armor, Ted.Copy !req
467. Shit.Copy !req
468. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
469. Pop, you wanna get me a whiskey sour
when you get a sec?Copy !req
470. Whiskey sour
coming up.Copy !req
471. - I got some excellent news for you.
- Oh, yeah? Excellent?Copy !req
472. - I think your life's about to change.
- Really? So you found her?Copy !req
473. Oh, yeah. And you were right, man.
She really is something else. My God.Copy !req
474. Really? So she hasn't changed at all, huh?Copy !req
475. Well, that I couldn't say.
Let me ask you something.Copy !req
476. Was Mary a little big-boned
back in high school?Copy !req
477. Big-boned? No, no, not at all. No.Copy !req
478. I guess she packed on a few pounds
over the years.Copy !req
479. Oh, yeah? So she's a little—?
She's a little chubby?Copy !req
480. I'd say about a deuce, deuce and a half.
Not bad.Copy !req
481. My. A deuce and a half, huh?Copy !req
482. Well, you know,
you shit out a bunch of kids...Copy !req
483. and you're bound to put on
a few pounds.Copy !req
484. So she's—? She's married?Copy !req
485. No, no, she's never been.
That's the good news.Copy !req
486. Yeah.Copy !req
487. Four kids, three different guys,
but no rock.Copy !req
488. Hyperactive little fuckers too.Copy !req
489. Tough to keep up with in a wheelchair,
I bet.Copy !req
490. She's in a wheelchair?
Mary's in a wheelchair?Copy !req
491. I thought that was part of your kick.Copy !req
492. - Excuse me, I ordered a whiskey sour.
- Yeah, whatever.Copy !req
493. Are you sure it's the same Mary?
You got the right person?Copy !req
494. Oh, yeah. It's Mary, all right.
The brother, Warren?Copy !req
495. Hey, don't look so shocked, Ted.Copy !req
496. It's been a long time. I bet you've changed
a lot over the last 13 years, haven't you?Copy !req
497. - What, do you think your shit don't stink?
- No, I don't think— I mean, yes, it doe—Copy !req
498. - I don't—
- Okay, I got all the information you need.Copy !req
499. I got it off her bookie. Nice guy.Copy !req
500. You really should look her up, Ted.
I mean, she's a real spark plug, this one.Copy !req
501. Well, thank you.
Thanks, Healy. Good work.Copy !req
502. Ted, don't you want the name
of the housing project?Copy !req
503. What?Copy !req
504. —for 1995.Copy !req
505. See the Sarone boys
on Route 1 in South Brattleboro...Copy !req
506. and right here on Jefferson Boulevard
in Warwick, you'll be—Copy !req
507. Well, it hurts from the bottomCopy !req
508. And it hurts down to your soulCopy !req
509. That's because true love is not niceCopy !req
510. And it brings up hurtCopy !req
511. From when you were 5 years oldCopy !req
512. That's because true love is not niceCopy !req
513. NoCopy !req
514. Oh, pain, pain, painCopy !req
515. Ain't that just love's name?Copy !req
516. Love can bring up hurt
From way down lowCopy !req
517. It now be emphasizedCopy !req
518. True love is just not civilizedCopy !req
519. True love is not niceCopy !req
520. No, noCopy !req
521. Where are you going?Copy !req
522. - Oh, I resigned.
- Good luck in Miami, Pat.Copy !req
523. Miami? What are you doing in Miami?Copy !req
524. I took a job offer.Copy !req
525. With who?Copy !req
526. With Rice-a-Roni.Copy !req
527. Isn't that the San Francisco treat?Copy !req
528. It was.Copy !req
529. - They're changing their image.
- Yeah, well, listen.Copy !req
530. - I've been thinking about what you said.
- Good, good.Copy !req
531. And I still wanna look her up.Copy !req
532. Who? Roller pig? Are you nuts?Copy !req
533. I thought you said
she was a real spark plug.Copy !req
534. No, no, I said butt plug. She's heinous.Copy !req
535. You know what?
All the same, I think I wanna call her.Copy !req
536. I mean, I know it sounds crazy...Copy !req
537. but, I don't know,
maybe I can help her out.Copy !req
538. I feel bad, you know. The poor thing,
she's in a wheelchair for God's sakes.Copy !req
539. - It's a bunion. It'll heal.
- Bunion? You— I thought—Copy !req
540. You know what? That's not even it.
The point is, I just—Copy !req
541. I know this doesn't make sense to you,
but I can't just turn it off that fast.Copy !req
542. I guess I still have feelings for her.Copy !req
543. This girl really means something
to you, huh?Copy !req
544. All right.Copy !req
545. Tell you what.Copy !req
546. I'll get you her number
as soon as she gets back from Japan.Copy !req
547. Thank you, I appreciate—Copy !req
548. Japan? What's happening in Japan?
Why is she going to Japan?Copy !req
549. You've heard of mail-order brides,
haven't you?Copy !req
550. - Well, they go that way too.
- Mary's a...?Copy !req
551. What are they, desperate? She's a whale.Copy !req
552. Don't forget, it's a sumo culture.
They pay by the pound there.Copy !req
553. Sort of like tuna.Copy !req
554. What happened to—?
You said she was single.Copy !req
555. - Remember, no rock?
- You had your window, Ted. You blew it.Copy !req
556. I had my window?Copy !req
557. I'm sorry, buddy. It's just, you know,
you're taking this all wrong.Copy !req
558. Okay? I mean, come on, you're liberated.
I feel liberated.Copy !req
559. I mean, you're in therapy thinking
you blew it with the greatest girl ever...Copy !req
560. and it turns out that getting your dick
stuck in your zipper...Copy !req
561. was the best thing
that ever happened to you.Copy !req
562. - Say it a little louder?
- I'm sorry, but it was.Copy !req
563. I never told you that.Copy !req
564. Christ, Ted, I was only four towns away.Copy !req
565. - Excuse me.
- Oh, sure, sweetheart.Copy !req
566. Oh, man, I gotta go.Copy !req
567. I gotta get up at 6 a.m. and help
my boss's brother move into his apartment.Copy !req
568. - Your boss's brother? Who's that?
- I don't even know. I never met him.Copy !req
569. Ted, you gotta finish that novel
so you can quit that stupid magazine.Copy !req
570. Yeah.Copy !req
571. Nice swing.Copy !req
572. Christ, hit a house.Copy !req
573. I haven't swung the wrenches in a while.Copy !req
574. Would you mind giving me
some pointers here?Copy !req
575. Yeah, sure.
Don't talk in someone's backswing.Copy !req
576. Oh, thanks.Copy !req
577. - I'm gonna go get a soda. You want one?
- No, thanks.Copy !req
578. Look, I'm sorry to bother you again,
but you got change of a dollar?Copy !req
579. No.Copy !req
580. All I got are these damn Nepalese coins.Copy !req
581. You've been to Nepal?Copy !req
582. Not in months.Copy !req
583. I don't even know why
I bought the damn place.Copy !req
584. - Nice meeting you again.
- You too, again.Copy !req
585. So, what's your name?Copy !req
586. Pat Healy.Copy !req
587. Wanna know mine?Copy !req
588. I already know it, Mary.Copy !req
589. How'd you know that?Copy !req
590. Because it's right there on your golf bag.Copy !req
591. Damn.Copy !req
592. Wow, are those blueprints?Copy !req
593. Oh, these? They're just some projects
I'm working on.Copy !req
594. Museum, hospital for kids.Copy !req
595. Really? Are you an architect?Copy !req
596. Just till I get my PGA tour card.Copy !req
597. No, I mean, are they putting up
some sort of a new museum in town, or...?Copy !req
598. Well, to tell you the truth,
I'm sort of burnt-out on talking about it.Copy !req
599. Oh, I'm sorry.Copy !req
600. It's just a job, really.
Something to keep me moving.Copy !req
601. - My real passion is my hobby.
- Really? What's that?Copy !req
602. I work with retards.Copy !req
603. Isn't that a little politically incorrect?Copy !req
604. Well, the hell with that.Copy !req
605. No one's gonna tell me
who I can and can't work with, right?Copy !req
606. - No, I mean—
- We got this one kid, Mongo.Copy !req
607. He's got a forehead like
a drive-in movie theater. He's a good shit...Copy !req
608. so we don't bust his chops too much.Copy !req
609. - So one day, Mongo gets out of his cage—
- What, they keep him in a cage?Copy !req
610. - Well, it's just an enclosure.
- No, but they keep him confined?Copy !req
611. - Right, yeah.
- That's bullshit.Copy !req
612. Well, that's what I said.Copy !req
613. - So I went out and I got him a leash.
- A leash?Copy !req
614. Yeah, one you can hook on to the
clothesline and he can run back and forth...Copy !req
615. and there's plenty of room
for him to dig and play.Copy !req
616. That kid has really—
He's really blossomed, you know?Copy !req
617. Now I can take him to movies...Copy !req
618. baseball games.Copy !req
619. You know, fun stuff.Copy !req
620. - Yeah.
- Sounds cool.Copy !req
621. Oh, yeah, it's cool for them,
but for me, it's much more than that.Copy !req
622. For me, it's heaven, you know?Copy !req
623. Those goofy bastards are just about
the best thing I've got going in this...Copy !req
624. crazy world.Copy !req
625. Hey, dipshit,
be careful with that thing, will you?Copy !req
626. - What?
- You heard me.Copy !req
627. You already put a fucking nick
in my piano.Copy !req
628. Well, I'll try to be a little more careful.Copy !req
629. What, are you fading?
You wimping out on me?Copy !req
630. It's just that this is a little bit heavy,
that's all.Copy !req
631. Heavy? What I wouldn't give
to know what heavy feels like...Copy !req
632. you insensitive prick.Copy !req
633. - No, I didn't mean that.
- Yeah, yeah. I'm going down the street...Copy !req
634. - ... to get coffee.
- Wait. I'll get you the coffee.Copy !req
635. Could you just—? Hey, I'm sorry.Copy !req
636. Tender fascial tissue left of L7.Copy !req
637. Hey, Bob?Copy !req
638. Remember Mary?Copy !req
639. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
640. I remember Mary.Copy !req
641. Hey, I saw her a couple months ago
at a convention in Las Vegas.Copy !req
642. How could you see her at a convention?Copy !req
643. Well, I'm a chiropractor,
she's an orthopedic surgeon.Copy !req
644. She's a what?Copy !req
645. She's an orthopedic surgeon,
and... she's still a fox.Copy !req
646. What if the families
don't want a class action?Copy !req
647. God, that's what I've been trying to explain
to you people for the last hour.Copy !req
648. Okay, fine, we'll go over it again. I—Copy !req
649. Mary's a fox.Copy !req
650. - What?
- What?Copy !req
651. Mary's a fox? What are you—?Copy !req
652. Folks, here, let's— We'll break up.
We'll spitball this tomorrow, okay?Copy !req
653. - What the hell are you talking about?
- Mary? My Mary?Copy !req
654. She's not in Japan.
She has no rug rats running around.Copy !req
655. My friend says she's a fox.
A surgeon fox.Copy !req
656. I don't get it. I don't know what you're—
Healy—Copy !req
657. Think about it.
He never even looked her up down there.Copy !req
658. He was there closing his deal
with the Rice-a-Roni people the whole time.Copy !req
659. What's up with your head?Copy !req
660. Oh, I get hives
tap-dancing for these idiots.Copy !req
661. I get a little stressed out.Copy !req
662. Jeez, you know, I feel like a royal shit
because I set you up with this guy.Copy !req
663. You know what you gotta do.
You gotta call her.Copy !req
664. Fuck calling her. I'm going down there.Copy !req
665. Yeah. Yeah, okay. ASAP.Copy !req
666. So who's the lucky guy?Copy !req
667. His name's Pat.
Met him at the driving range.Copy !req
668. Is he good-looking?Copy !req
669. He's no Steve Young.Copy !req
670. So, what is he like?Copy !req
671. I don't know.Copy !req
672. Kind of a mook. A schlep.Copy !req
673. Why the hell are you going out
with a schlep?Copy !req
674. It's not like that, Magda. You know,
it's like that movie Harold and Maude.Copy !req
675. I don't watch the new ones.Copy !req
676. Well, you should because it's probably
the greatest love story of our time.Copy !req
677. The point is,
is that love isn't about money...Copy !req
678. or social standings or age.Copy !req
679. It's about two people connecting,
having something in common.Copy !req
680. You know, kindred spirits.Copy !req
681. Fuck kindred spirits.
My little Puffy here is gonna tell you...Copy !req
682. everything you need to know
about that guy in about two seconds flat.Copy !req
683. If Puffy starts yapping, he's a loser.Copy !req
684. If he likes him, honey,
then you've got yourself a keeper.Copy !req
685. Yeah. Pufferball likes it
when I rub his belly.Copy !req
686. That is amazing.Copy !req
687. He doesn't like anybody.
He never usually likes guys.Copy !req
688. - He doesn't like bad guys.
- Is that right?Copy !req
689. He can tell that you're an animal nut.Copy !req
690. - You are, aren't you?
- You got me pegged.Copy !req
691. You know, in Nepal,
the villagers there called me kin ton ti...Copy !req
692. which means
"noble man who is loved by many animal...Copy !req
693. who, in kind, he loveth too."Copy !req
694. Would you like a cup of tea
or something?Copy !req
695. I'd love a brewski if you got one.Copy !req
696. We can do that.Copy !req
697. Hey, Magda,
why don't you help me in the kitchen?Copy !req
698. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Certainly, of course.Copy !req
699. Puffer doesn't like bad guys, does he?Copy !req
700. Puffer?Copy !req
701. Puffer?Copy !req
702. Puffer, come on, boy.Copy !req
703. Would you like a little clam dip, doll?Copy !req
704. No, thank you.
I'd love a Bundt cake if you have one.Copy !req
705. - Bundt cake?
- Bundt cake?Copy !req
706. One, two, three, four, five.Copy !req
707. One, two, three, four, five.Copy !req
708. One, two, three...Copy !req
709. Hey, Pat, do you want a Budweiser
or a Heinie?Copy !req
710. Yeah, whatever.Copy !req
711. Come on, Puffer.
Stay away from the light.Copy !req
712. Okay, I'll just get you a regular.Copy !req
713. All set?Copy !req
714. Good pooch.Copy !req
715. All we had were some Oreos.
How does that sound, honey?Copy !req
716. Oh, my God.Copy !req
717. He's got him wrapped up like a baby.Copy !req
718. He was— He was a little chilly.Copy !req
719. Well, here we are.Copy !req
720. - The museum?
- Yeah.Copy !req
721. - I thought we were going to dinner.
- We will, but I have a surprise.Copy !req
722. - A surprise?
- Yeah, it's the architecture exhibit.Copy !req
723. - Architecture exhibit?
- Yeah.Copy !req
724. - I gotta eat something or I get the shakes.
- We'll eat in 20 minutes.Copy !req
725. My friend Tucker is upstairs.
I want you to meet him.Copy !req
726. - He's an architect too. Come on. Yeah.
- Architect?Copy !req
727. Tucker.Copy !req
728. This is amazing.
This just blows me away.Copy !req
729. What do you think this falls under?
Is this art deco, or is it art nouveau?Copy !req
730. - Deco. Deco, yeah.
- Yeah.Copy !req
731. It's beautiful.Copy !req
732. Is this—?
Okay, is this a vestibule, or is it a portico?Copy !req
733. What is the difference?Copy !req
734. When you're looking at architecture,
try to visualize the buildings as a whole.Copy !req
735. You know, try to see them
in their natural state.Copy !req
736. In their totalitarianism, so to speak.Copy !req
737. - Stone-crab time. Let's go to Joe's, huh?
- Hey, Tucker.Copy !req
738. Mary.Copy !req
739. How are you?Copy !req
740. Good. I'm glad we saw you.Copy !req
741. Come on, like you mean it.Copy !req
742. Tucker. This is my friend Pat Healy.Copy !req
743. - Oh, it's a pleasure to meet you, Patrick.
- Same here.Copy !req
744. - Pat is an architect as well.
- Oh, really?Copy !req
745. - Where are your offices?
- Mainly, I work out of Boston.Copy !req
746. Boston, huh?Copy !req
747. - Did you get your degree up there?
- You bet.Copy !req
748. Really? Where did you study?Copy !req
749. Harvard.Copy !req
750. Then you must have studied
under Kim Green.Copy !req
751. Well, among others.Copy !req
752. You know,
Pat does projects all over the world.Copy !req
753. Really?
Where would I have seen your work?Copy !req
754. Well, have you been to...?Copy !req
755. Well, let me see.Copy !req
756. Santiago, Chile?Copy !req
757. Twice last year. Which building is yours?Copy !req
758. - Are you familiar with the soccer stadium?
- Did you build the Estadio Olímpico?Copy !req
759. No, just down the street,
the Celinto Catayente Towers.Copy !req
760. It's quite a fine example, in fact.Copy !req
761. I recommend next time
you're up that way...Copy !req
762. that you drop in
and take a ganders at it yourself.Copy !req
763. Hey, thanks for picking me up, man.Copy !req
764. Yeah, no problem.
I've been driving for like 15 hours straight...Copy !req
765. so I could use the company.Copy !req
766. I know what you mean. I've been standing
in the same spot for five and a half hours.Copy !req
767. You know they made it illegal
to hitchhike in this state?Copy !req
768. Really? That must make it really tough.Copy !req
769. So, what's going on with you?
You a salesman, or...?Copy !req
770. No. No, I'm nothing.Copy !req
771. I am.Copy !req
772. - Yeah?
- I'm a salesman.Copy !req
773. - I'm gonna start my own company.
- Really?Copy !req
774. You want in?Copy !req
775. No. I'm not—Copy !req
776. I don't really have any,
you know, money, or—Copy !req
777. You heard of this thing,
the 8 Minute Abs?Copy !req
778. Yeah, sure, 8 Minute Abs,
yeah, the exercise video.Copy !req
779. Yeah, well, this is gonna blow that
right out of the water. Listen to this.Copy !req
780. 7 Minute Abs.Copy !req
781. Right. Yes, okay, all right.
I see where you're going.Copy !req
782. Think about it. You walk into a video store,
see 8 Minute Abs sitting there...Copy !req
783. there's 7 Minute Abs right beside it.
Which one are you gonna pick, man?Copy !req
784. - I would go for the 7. Yeah.
- Bingo, man, bingo. 7 Minute Abs.Copy !req
785. And we guarantee just as good
a workout as the 8 Minute folk.Copy !req
786. You guarantee it? How do you do that?Copy !req
787. If you're not happy
with the first seven minutes...Copy !req
788. we're gonna send you
the extra minute free.Copy !req
789. See, that's it. That's our motto.
That's where we're coming from.Copy !req
790. That's from A to B.Copy !req
791. That's right. That's good. That's good.Copy !req
792. Unless, of course,
somebody comes up with 6 Minute Abs.Copy !req
793. Then you're in trouble, huh?Copy !req
794. No. No, no, not six.Copy !req
795. I said seven.
Nobody's coming up with six.Copy !req
796. Who works out in six minutes?Copy !req
797. You won't even get your heart going.
Not even a mouse on a wheel.Copy !req
798. - Good point.
- Seven's the key number here.Copy !req
799. - Think about it. 7-Elevens, seven dwarfs.
- Seven, yeah.Copy !req
800. Seven, man, that's the number.Copy !req
801. Seven chipmunks twirling on a branch...Copy !req
802. eating lots of sunflowers
on my uncle's ranch.Copy !req
803. You know that old children's tale
from the sea.Copy !req
804. It's like you're dreaming
about Gorgonzola cheese...Copy !req
805. when it's clearly Brie time, baby.Copy !req
806. Step into my office.Copy !req
807. - Why?
- Because you're fucking fired.Copy !req
808. Yeah. You know what? I gotta pee.
I'm gonna pull over.Copy !req
809. Your car seats are making me itchy, man.
What are these made out of, cactus?Copy !req
810. I'm only waiting seven minutes total.Copy !req
811. - Hey, wait your turn.
- Sorry. I didn't get a—Copy !req
812. - We gotta get out of here.
- Wait a minute. Hey, hey.Copy !req
813. - This is a raid.
- No. No, no, no. I was peeing.Copy !req
814. That's what I was doing.
I was just peeing.Copy !req
815. - I was peeing too.
- Yeah, I'm sure you were all just pissing.Copy !req
816. - Let's go. Let's move it out.
- Let's go. In the truck, everybody.Copy !req
817. Holy Shit. Jimmy Shay, is that you?Copy !req
818. - No, really—
- Oh, my God.Copy !req
819. Ted?Copy !req
820. If you let me talk to you for one second
outside of the truck.Copy !req
821. - Into the truck. Get in the truck.
- Look, I still have to pee. I wasn't—Copy !req
822. - Let's go.
- Can I have a cup?Copy !req
823. See, hon? I told you he was gay.Copy !req
824. We'll be right back with more Cops,
live from the heartland.Copy !req
825. That grandmother of yours
is really something.Copy !req
826. Who, Magda?
No, Magda's not my grandmother.Copy !req
827. She rents the apartment next door.
Her husband died a couple years ago...Copy !req
828. and I don't think she likes being alone,
so, you know, she just hangs out.Copy !req
829. - Doesn't cramp your style?
- Sadly, no.Copy !req
830. You know, sometimes I wish
I could be like Magda and not go home.Copy !req
831. Yeah, I'd like to bounce around for a while
and do some traveling.Copy !req
832. I don't know why anybody
would wanna bounce around...Copy !req
833. you know,
if they had their own condo in Nepal.Copy !req
834. - I'd be there in a second.
- I'd sell it.Copy !req
835. - Yeah?
- Yeah. Start fresh in a new place...Copy !req
836. give up the architect game.Copy !req
837. Slow things down a bit,
read more books, see more movies.Copy !req
838. Are you a movie buff?Copy !req
839. Well, I try to be, but it's tough going
with all the crap they make today.Copy !req
840. I guess I just wish they made movies
like they used to make.Copy !req
841. You know, classics like The Karate Kid
or Harold and Maude.Copy !req
842. Harold and Maude
is my all-time favorite movie.Copy !req
843. - Don't bust my chops. I know it's corny—
- Pat, I'm not kidding.Copy !req
844. I think Harold and Maude is one of
the greatest love stories of our time.Copy !req
845. Here I thought I was the only one.Copy !req
846. You're too good to be true.
Come on, let's go dance.Copy !req
847. Man, they never look like you'd expect,
do they?Copy !req
848. That's probably how he got his victim
to drop his guard.Copy !req
849. Where'd they find the body?Copy !req
850. In a big red bag
on the front passenger seat.Copy !req
851. All hacked up.Copy !req
852. Gruesome.Copy !req
853. Real psycho, this one.Copy !req
854. Hey, you're a little worked up.
Let me do the talking.Copy !req
855. - I'm Detective Stabler. This is Krevoy.
- Look, I didn't solicit any sex, okay?Copy !req
856. This is a huge misunderstanding.Copy !req
857. I was going out to pee,
I'm walking in the bushes...Copy !req
858. I trip over this guy,
and there were all these cops and—Copy !req
859. Ted, Ted, Ted, it's okay. We believe you.Copy !req
860. The problem is,
we found your friend in the car.Copy !req
861. Oh, the hitchhiker?Copy !req
862. That's what this is about? The hitchhiker?Copy !req
863. Oh, great. Just my luck.Copy !req
864. I get caught for everything.Copy !req
865. So you admit it?Copy !req
866. Yeah. Guilty as charged.Copy !req
867. Look, I know that you guys
have got a job to do, all right?Copy !req
868. And I'm really sorry. I did it. I admit it.Copy !req
869. You know, the guy even told me.
The hitchhiker told me it was illegal, so...Copy !req
870. Well...Copy !req
871. can you tell us his name?Copy !req
872. No, I didn't catch it.Copy !req
873. Can we cut to the chase? I mean,
am I, like, in a lot of trouble here, or...?Copy !req
874. First, tell us why you did it.Copy !req
875. Why I did it?Copy !req
876. I don't know. Boredom?Copy !req
877. Guy turns out to be a blabbermouth.Copy !req
878. Just would not shut up. I mean, just—Copy !req
879. Ted, this wasn't your first time, was it?Copy !req
880. No.Copy !req
881. - How many are we talking here?
- Hitchhikers? My whole life?Copy !req
882. I don't know. Twenty-five, 50.
I mean, who keeps track?Copy !req
883. Hey, I know this is the Bible belt,
but where I come from...Copy !req
884. this is not that big a deal.Copy !req
885. - I mean—
- You son of a bitch.Copy !req
886. You're gonna fry.Copy !req
887. Hey. Hey. Take it easy. Cut it out.
What the hell are you doing? Take it easy.Copy !req
888. - You okay?
- What the hell is wrong with you?Copy !req
889. - You all right?
- Punk.Copy !req
890. Jesus.Copy !req
891. Your friend Tucker stopped by.Copy !req
892. Really?Copy !req
893. Okay. Hey, what does it look like today?Copy !req
894. It's fine. A little crazy in the afternoon.Copy !req
895. Hey, Tucker.Copy !req
896. What's up, doc?Copy !req
897. You look different.
Did you do something with your hair?Copy !req
898. The teeth. The teeth. I got them capped.Copy !req
899. Oh, yeah? Hey, they look great.Copy !req
900. - You don't think they look a little big?
- No, not at all. The bigger the better.Copy !req
901. But they could be brighter.Copy !req
902. There's nothing more sexy to me than a guy
with a mouthful of big pearly whites.Copy !req
903. - Really?
- Yeah.Copy !req
904. Come here.
You ever had one up the hatch in here?Copy !req
905. - Tucker, behave yourself.
- I'm sorry.Copy !req
906. What can I do for you today, my friend?Copy !req
907. I wanted to talk to you
about your friend Patrick.Copy !req
908. He's a nice guy, huh?Copy !req
909. Well, that's what I'm trying to figure out.
How long have you known him?Copy !req
910. Not very long, but I like him.Copy !req
911. Well, I know he's a little different,
but that's what I like about him.Copy !req
912. He dresses like a complete dork.Copy !req
913. He chews with his mouth open.Copy !req
914. He hardly ever says the right thing,
and he probably farts too.Copy !req
915. That's what you're looking for, is it?
A farter?Copy !req
916. No, I'm looking for a guy.Copy !req
917. Look, it's just that something struck me
as strange about him last night.Copy !req
918. He gave me this funny vibe.Copy !req
919. Anyway, I called some friends up north...Copy !req
920. and they've never heard of an architect
named Patrick Healy.Copy !req
921. And he's not listed as a Harvard alumnus.Copy !req
922. - Fuck!
- Really?Copy !req
923. - That's strange.
- Yes, I thought so.Copy !req
924. Anyway, I hope you don't think
I'm being meddlesome.Copy !req
925. It's just that I think you should be careful
with this guy, that's all.Copy !req
926. I mean, let's face it.Copy !req
927. You're beautiful, and you've got money,
and you trust people.Copy !req
928. I'm just saying,
there's a lot of psychos out there.Copy !req
929. - Just be careful.
- Fucker.Copy !req
930. Look, Tucker, thank you.
I really appreciate you looking out for me.Copy !req
931. Okay, listen, I'll call you.Copy !req
932. - Okay.
- Okay.Copy !req
933. Damn.Copy !req
934. - You want me to get those for you?
- No. I have to learn to do this myself.Copy !req
935. Damn.Copy !req
936. My leg. Could you, Mary?Copy !req
937. Thank you.Copy !req
938. Wait. Wait.Copy !req
939. There.Copy !req
940. - See?
- Yeah.Copy !req
941. - I knew I could do it.
- I see. Here, let me get the door.Copy !req
942. Thank you.Copy !req
943. - See you later.
- Goodbye.Copy !req
944. Jane, can you get the door
for Tucker, please?Copy !req
945. Do you—? You want me to...?Copy !req
946. - No. I've done this a thousand times.
- Okay.Copy !req
947. Mr. Stroehmann...Copy !req
948. on behalf of the entire South Carolina
Law Enforcement community...Copy !req
949. I would like to apologize to you
for any pain or temporary inconvenience...Copy !req
950. that you may have been caused.Copy !req
951. At approximately 10:40 this morning...Copy !req
952. a man was apprehended
not far from where you were arrested.Copy !req
953. He was identified
as an escaped mental patient...Copy !req
954. and subsequently he confessed
to the murder you're being held for.Copy !req
955. Lab tests confirm a fingerprint match.Copy !req
956. You mean I'm free to go?Copy !req
957. No harm, no foul.Copy !req
958. Oh, by the way,
there's someone there to see you.Copy !req
959. Shut up.Copy !req
960. You are a lucky son of a bitch,
you know that?Copy !req
961. - I am?
- Yeah. Didn't they tell you?Copy !req
962. That hitcher was about to cut your throat
before you decided to take a piss.Copy !req
963. Had a fucking horseshoe up your ass,
my man.Copy !req
964. You got that nervous-hive thing again?Copy !req
965. Yeah. Yeah, I do, Ted,
because I got some bad news.Copy !req
966. Are you okay?Copy !req
967. Ted, I'm dying.Copy !req
968. Oh, my—Copy !req
969. Ted, I'm not dying, man. Come on.Copy !req
970. Jesus, it's just the humidity down here
or something. Come on.Copy !req
971. No. No, Ted, the bad news I got
is about our friend Healy.Copy !req
972. I sent my assistant to his apartment
with his last check.Copy !req
973. The landlady said when he came back...Copy !req
974. he kept talking about
falling for some doctor named Mary.Copy !req
975. - Mary? My Mary?
- Well...Copy !req
976. Ted, here's Healy's address down there.Copy !req
977. In the future, do a little research before
you send a guy like that out into the woods.Copy !req
978. I mean, Jesus Chris, it's creepy, okay?Copy !req
979. You're not thinking about
going out with this guy again?Copy !req
980. Mary, honey, he's a psycho.Copy !req
981. - Mary, the guy's full of shit.
- Jesus, this sucks.Copy !req
982. It's too bad this had to happen.Copy !req
983. He was almost perfect.Copy !req
984. Mary, what did you say
Pat's last name was?Copy !req
985. - Healy.
- Come here, come here, come here.Copy !req
986. - Come on. You gotta hear this.
- What?Copy !req
987. - That's the way us Healys were raised.
- So where the hell are you, Healy?Copy !req
988. I got a date tonight
with that Mary girl I told you about.Copy !req
989. - The sawbones?
- Yep.Copy !req
990. - Oh, my God, we hit the mother lode.
- You guys...Copy !req
991. should we be listening to this?Copy !req
992. - She still think you're a fucking architect?
- Oh, yeah.Copy !req
993. Dumb shit.Copy !req
994. Mr. Perfect, huh?Copy !req
995. Hey, watch your mouth.
She's a great gal, Mary.Copy !req
996. - I'm the dumb shit for lying to her.
- Why didn't you just tell her the truth?Copy !req
997. I don't know.Copy !req
998. I guess it seems that women today
are more impressed by the almighty buck...Copy !req
999. than some schmo who's spent 17 years
scraping by on Peace Corps wages.Copy !req
1000. Jesus, man.Copy !req
1001. If she's as special as you say,
she's gonna wanna hear...Copy !req
1002. about the things you did.Copy !req
1003. "You could tell her about
the irrigation ditches you dug in Sudan.Copy !req
1004. The orphan babies
who cried in your arms in...Copy !req
1005. Romania.Copy !req
1006. The hope you gave Freddy the leper
in Calcutta."Copy !req
1007. I'll be honest with you.
I'm a selfish prick.Copy !req
1008. I get a high
from helping all God's creatures.Copy !req
1009. An honest-to-goodness high.
I did all those things for myself.Copy !req
1010. Hey, hey, hey.Copy !req
1011. That's bullshit, man.Copy !req
1012. Hey. Hey, you were on the front line.Copy !req
1013. You remember?
The malaria, the typhoon fever?Copy !req
1014. That vicious strain of genital herpes?Copy !req
1015. Fuck.Copy !req
1016. Yeah, I cured all sorts of horrible illnesses
in Third World countries.Copy !req
1017. But the bottom line is, I'm not gonna use
my philanthropy as some kind of currency.Copy !req
1018. Especially after what I did.Copy !req
1019. I lied to that poor girl.Copy !req
1020. Lied, man.Copy !req
1021. Well, love will make you
do fucked-up things.Copy !req
1022. You said it, mister. I gotta run.Copy !req
1023. We're dicks.Copy !req
1024. It's him. It's him.Copy !req
1025. Oh, hi. Mary.Copy !req
1026. Hello.Copy !req
1027. Mary, look.Copy !req
1028. Look, there's something
I have to tell you.Copy !req
1029. I'm not the architect you—Copy !req
1030. - Okay, guys, let's huddle up.
- Come on, Jimmy.Copy !req
1031. Jimmy, I'm open. Hit me. Come on.Copy !req
1032. Exceptional, my ass.Copy !req
1033. Looks like I double-jumped you, Warren,
for the win. Pay up, big guy.Copy !req
1034. - Coconut.
- Yeah, very good. Coconut.Copy !req
1035. Coconut.Copy !req
1036. Where's the rest of it, Warren?Copy !req
1037. Look at her.Copy !req
1038. She's more beautiful than I remember.
She's perfect.Copy !req
1039. Thanks for picking up the lunch tab, Mare.
Sorry I forgot my wallet.Copy !req
1040. - I feel like a dog.
- Don't worry about it. It was fun.Copy !req
1041. Fuck me.Copy !req
1042. How's my stomach taste?Copy !req
1043. "How's my stomach taste," she says.Copy !req
1044. Holy shit. Look, look. There's Warren.Copy !req
1045. Franks and beans.Copy !req
1046. - Frank and beans.
- Warren, you just ate.Copy !req
1047. Leave him alone.
He's just got a big appetite. Right, Warren?Copy !req
1048. I said you got a big—Copy !req
1049. Warren, Warren, Warren.Copy !req
1050. Yes.Copy !req
1051. Listen, you can't touch his ears
unless he trusts you. I'm sorry.Copy !req
1052. - Are you okay?
- Not to worry.Copy !req
1053. - So I'll see you tonight, right?
- Sure.Copy !req
1054. Come here, Warren. You okay?Copy !req
1055. - He broke it.
- I saw.Copy !req
1056. Okay. What are you waiting for? Let's go.Copy !req
1057. - What? No. I don't know what to say.
- What are you talking about?Copy !req
1058. Tell her the truth about Healy.
Blow the schmuck out of the water.Copy !req
1059. No, I can't.Copy !req
1060. I unleashed the psycho on her.
She's gonna be fucking pissed.Copy !req
1061. - Mary. Mary.
- No, no. Stop.Copy !req
1062. Mary?Copy !req
1063. Mary? Is that—? It is you.Copy !req
1064. - Who is that?
- Hi. It's Ted.Copy !req
1065. Ted?Copy !req
1066. Yeah, Ted from Rhode Island. Ted.Copy !req
1067. Te—? Oh, my God. Ted.Copy !req
1068. - Hey. Good, how are you?
- It's good to see you.Copy !req
1069. - Good to see you.
- How you been?Copy !req
1070. I'm...Copy !req
1071. I haven't seen you since...Copy !req
1072. Yeah, since...Copy !req
1073. - Senior prom.
- That's right, senior prom.Copy !req
1074. You got a great memory.
Oh, man, that was...Copy !req
1075. Haven't thought about that in years.
Yeah.Copy !req
1076. So how's everything?Copy !req
1077. - Everything, you know.
- Oh, that's fine.Copy !req
1078. I was in and out of the hospital
in a couple of weeks.Copy !req
1079. It was not a big deal at all.Copy !req
1080. Now I'm good. Strong like bull. Really good.Copy !req
1081. - Hey. Hi, Warren.
- Hi, Ted.Copy !req
1082. - How are you?
- I'm— How are you?Copy !req
1083. - I can't believe that he remembers you.
- Piggyback ride?Copy !req
1084. Oh, piggyb— No. You know what?
I'll take a rain check this time, okay?Copy !req
1085. He never remembers anybody.Copy !req
1086. - It's amazing.
- Yeah.Copy !req
1087. So, what are you doing here?Copy !req
1088. - Do you work here, or—?
- Yeah, no, this is my office.Copy !req
1089. Well, it's up there.Copy !req
1090. So yeah, I was just out
on my lunch break with Warren. It's crazy.Copy !req
1091. - What are you doing here?
- Well, that's a funny story.Copy !req
1092. I was— I decided to—Copy !req
1093. I got in the car with my friend,
and we just—Copy !req
1094. We came down to Florida, right?Copy !req
1095. Right.Copy !req
1096. Well, you look great.
You look really good.Copy !req
1097. I mean, what's the story?
Are you married? Do you have kids?Copy !req
1098. - No. No. Dodged a few bullets.
- Yeah?Copy !req
1099. Yeah. God, this is just so bizarre.Copy !req
1100. - I'm standing here with Mary Jensen.
- No, no, now it's Mary Matthews.Copy !req
1101. Oh, did you...?Copy !req
1102. No, no, no. I haven't walked
down that plank yet, no.Copy !req
1103. But it was this thing in college.Copy !req
1104. This creepy guy who...Copy !req
1105. Anyhow, there was a restraining order,
it got kind of ugly...Copy !req
1106. and after Princeton, I decided,
"You know what? Be cautious.Copy !req
1107. Change your name.
Just kind of leave that behind."Copy !req
1108. - Right. Right.
- Just didn't need that.Copy !req
1109. - That sounds horrible.
- It was— Yeah.Copy !req
1110. It was, but it's over, I think, so it's good.Copy !req
1111. Hey, what are you doing tonight?
Do you think you wanna, I don't know...Copy !req
1112. go out to dinner?
You know, catch up on old times?Copy !req
1113. Didn't we just do that?Copy !req
1114. I'm fucking with you, Ted.Copy !req
1115. No, listen, I'd really— I'd like to.Copy !req
1116. It'd be great,
but I sort of already have plans tonight.Copy !req
1117. - But I'm free tomorrow night.
- Yeah, sure. Or, you know—Copy !req
1118. Or you could blow off that jerk
you're going out with tonight...Copy !req
1119. and come out with me.Copy !req
1120. What hotel are you staying at?Copy !req
1121. The Cardozo.Copy !req
1122. - Pick you up at 8?
- Sure.Copy !req
1123. - Okay.
- Okay.Copy !req
1124. - Cool. See you.
- Bye.Copy !req
1125. Look closely at this pictureCopy !req
1126. Ted and Mary like beforeCopy !req
1127. Can you see her as Ted sees herCopy !req
1128. And why he couldn't wait no more?Copy !req
1129. And if you still think he's being silly
Then you've still got more to seeCopy !req
1130. Because this isn't just a date, folks
This is chemistryCopy !req
1131. And MaryCopy !req
1132. Well, there's just something about MaryCopy !req
1133. Banana, banana.Copy !req
1134. We're gonna be buying bananas tonight.Copy !req
1135. Why's that?Copy !req
1136. Back when I was your age, I always used to
make myself a big banana split after sex.Copy !req
1137. I think you're gonna need one tonight.Copy !req
1138. Don't get ahead of yourself.
You'll be eating a banana split before I do.Copy !req
1139. Don't bet on it.Copy !req
1140. Last time I had a Pap smear...Copy !req
1141. the guy needed leather gloves
and an oyster shucker.Copy !req
1142. I am a little psyched.Copy !req
1143. I ran into this guy
I haven't seen since high school.Copy !req
1144. - An old flame?
- Kind of. Ted Stroehmann.Copy !req
1145. The sweetest guy in the world.Copy !req
1146. I mean, he was so cute.Copy !req
1147. He was so shy and clumsy,
and he had this huge mouth full of metal.Copy !req
1148. You know how I like braces.Copy !req
1149. Anyhow, we're going out tonight.Copy !req
1150. Oh, no.Copy !req
1151. God, that reminds me. I have to call
and cancel with what's-his-face.Copy !req
1152. What's-his-face?Copy !req
1153. - Who is it?
- It's Tucker.Copy !req
1154. - Tucker.
- Hello, how are you?Copy !req
1155. - Good, how are you?
- I'm fine, thank you.Copy !req
1156. - Look who's here.
- There she is.Copy !req
1157. I brought you
a little thirst quencher, Mag.Copy !req
1158. - Oh, are you sweet.
- No, I'm not.Copy !req
1159. I just wanna get you drunk
so you'll pass out...Copy !req
1160. and I can give Mary a good rogering.Copy !req
1161. - You want me to pour you one?
- Thanks, but I have to be going.Copy !req
1162. - Unfortunately, this is not a social visit.
- Really? What's up?Copy !req
1163. Well, I've got a little more news
about your friend Healy.Copy !req
1164. Tucker, everything's okay.Copy !req
1165. He confessed everything.
He told me he's not an architect.Copy !req
1166. You were right.
But right now, I'm actually running behind—Copy !req
1167. Mary, the man's a killer.Copy !req
1168. - What?
- Yes.Copy !req
1169. I have a friend
in the Boston Police Department.Copy !req
1170. He faxed me this this morning.
I'll just give you the highlights.Copy !req
1171. After a short stint as a petty thief...Copy !req
1172. Patrick R. Healy graduated
to armed robbery by the age of 14.Copy !req
1173. At 16, he committed his first murder.Copy !req
1174. A pretty teacher's aide
named Molly Pettygrove.Copy !req
1175. He was incarcerated until the age of 22,
when, despite a grim psychological profile...Copy !req
1176. the state was forced to release him.Copy !req
1177. In his mid-20s
and again in his early 30s...Copy !req
1178. he was suspected of homicides
in the states of Utah and Washington.Copy !req
1179. Unfortunately,
the bodies were so badly decomposed...Copy !req
1180. there wasn't enough evidence
to hold him, and so on and so forth.Copy !req
1181. What am I gonna do?
I'm supposed to meet this guy in an hour.Copy !req
1182. Well, just calm down.
Everything's going to be fine. Don't worry.Copy !req
1183. Tucker.Copy !req
1184. Why you two never hooked up
is beyond me.Copy !req
1185. I'm so lucky to have you as a friend.Copy !req
1186. Yes, well, don't get all gooey on me, now.
You're gonna give me a big head.Copy !req
1187. See, the important thing, doctor...Copy !req
1188. is you have to distance yourself
as much as possible...Copy !req
1189. without pissing this psycho off.Copy !req
1190. Okay.Copy !req
1191. All right. I know what I've gotta do.
I know what I gotta do. Where's the phone?Copy !req
1192. You're gonna pay, fucker.Copy !req
1193. I don't know, Dom.Copy !req
1194. I don't feel good. I feel nervous.
I really feel nervous.Copy !req
1195. Oh, come on, relax. Relax.Copy !req
1196. - You been to the cash machine?
- Yeah.Copy !req
1197. Car clean? Plenty of gas?Copy !req
1198. - Breath. How's your breath?
- It's fine. I had some Altoids.Copy !req
1199. All right, I think you're all set.
So just go clean the pipes and it's a go.Copy !req
1200. You know, clean the pipes.Copy !req
1201. What do you mean, clean the pipes?Copy !req
1202. You choke the chicken
before any big date, don't you?Copy !req
1203. Tell me you spank the monkey
before any big date.Copy !req
1204. Oh, my God. He doesn't flog the dolphin
before a big date.Copy !req
1205. - No.
- Are you crazy?Copy !req
1206. That's like going out there
with a loaded gun.Copy !req
1207. Of course that's why you're nervous.Copy !req
1208. Oh, my dear friend, please sit. Please.Copy !req
1209. Look, after you've had sex with a girl
and you're lying in bed with her...Copy !req
1210. are you nervous?Copy !req
1211. - No.
- No, you're not. Why?Copy !req
1212. Because I'm tired.Copy !req
1213. Wrong. It's because you ain't got
the baby batter on the brain anymore.Copy !req
1214. Jesus. That stuff will fuck your head up.Copy !req
1215. Look.Copy !req
1216. The most honest moment in a man's life
are the few minutes...Copy !req
1217. after he's blown his load.Copy !req
1218. That is a medical fact, and the reason for it
is that you're no longer trying to get laid.Copy !req
1219. You're actually— You're thinking like a girl,
and girls love that.Copy !req
1220. Holy shit.Copy !req
1221. I've been going out with a loaded gun.Copy !req
1222. People get hurt that way.Copy !req
1223. Healy. How smashing to see you.Copy !req
1224. - You're dead, motherfucker.
- Okay. Take it easy.Copy !req
1225. Who the fuck do you think you are,
making that shit up about me?Copy !req
1226. It's that stalker, Ted.Copy !req
1227. He got ahold of you, didn't he?Copy !req
1228. You're working for him, aren't you,
you little shit?Copy !req
1229. Who?Copy !req
1230. Either you come clean,
or I'm gonna kick your fucking ass.Copy !req
1231. I love her, man.Copy !req
1232. - What?
- You heard me, goddamn it.Copy !req
1233. I love Mary, man.Copy !req
1234. I'm a phony. Just like you.Copy !req
1235. - What do you mean?
- I mean I'm a fucking fraud.Copy !req
1236. I'm no architect. Don't be a putz, man.Copy !req
1237. Who's been to Santiago, Chile,
twice in one year?Copy !req
1238. - I've never even been to Jersey.
- Okay, okay. Just take it easy.Copy !req
1239. Wait a minute.
You knew those people back at Harvard.Copy !req
1240. Fuck, I knew shit, man.Copy !req
1241. The only thing I knew
was that you were a fake...Copy !req
1242. and I made up everything else.Copy !req
1243. My real name's Norm.Copy !req
1244. I'm a pizza-delivery boy.Copy !req
1245. Here. Look. Here's my ID.Copy !req
1246. Fuck me.Copy !req
1247. Yeah. Yeah.Copy !req
1248. Keep the change.Copy !req
1249. Where the hell did it go?Copy !req
1250. Hang on. Wait a second.Copy !req
1251. - Hello. How you doing?
- Hey. Hi. Good, how are you?Copy !req
1252. - Good.
- Good.Copy !req
1253. You are looking very beautiful.Copy !req
1254. Thank you.Copy !req
1255. What is that?Copy !req
1256. On your ear.Copy !req
1257. - Ear?
- No, your left ear.Copy !req
1258. Is that...?Copy !req
1259. Is that hair gel?Copy !req
1260. - Yeah.
- Great. I could use some.Copy !req
1261. - No, no, no. You don't have to. You don't—
- No, really.Copy !req
1262. I just ran out.Copy !req
1263. - How we doing over here?
- Okay.Copy !req
1264. - Little more wine?
- Sure.Copy !req
1265. So when you say killer, you mean—Copy !req
1266. - He's a murderer. Yeah.
- Like, an actual convicted murderer?Copy !req
1267. He killed people. I know, it's crazy.Copy !req
1268. - And, what, did he ever go to jail, or he's—?
- Yeah, in Boston.Copy !req
1269. - He spent— I don't know how long.
- He got out?Copy !req
1270. Well, it's obvious. The system sucks.Copy !req
1271. The guy's walking the streets.
I'm kissing him.Copy !req
1272. Right, but you didn't
do anything else, right?Copy !req
1273. - What?
- I mean, you didn't...Copy !req
1274. - No, no, no.
- No, okay.Copy !req
1275. - God, I couldn't live with myself.
- No, I mean—Copy !req
1276. I only went out with him a couple times,
but, you know, just the thought of that...Copy !req
1277. I shouldn't be putting this all on you.
I'm sorry.Copy !req
1278. - We haven't seen each other in so long.
- No, it's just I feel really bad.Copy !req
1279. I'm tired of talking about stalkers.
Let's talk about you.Copy !req
1280. Are you okay? Yeah?Copy !req
1281. - Do you want some water?
- No, I'm good.Copy !req
1282. - Hey, Tracy, how are the twins?
- Fuck you, Norm.Copy !req
1283. That's it,
I like it when you talk dirty to me, man.Copy !req
1284. Here you go, big guy.Copy !req
1285. Come on, cough it up, chompers.Copy !req
1286. So how the hell did you meet Mary?Copy !req
1287. It was just dumb luck, really.Copy !req
1288. I delivered a pie to her and she
answered the door in her nightgown...Copy !req
1289. and, wow, that was it for me.Copy !req
1290. I went home that night,
shaved my beard, and a week later...Copy !req
1291. I'm laid out in her office
with a broken back.Copy !req
1292. Broken back? How'd you do that?Copy !req
1293. A friend. Baseball bat.Copy !req
1294. Touché.Copy !req
1295. You want another one?Copy !req
1296. Sure. Yeah. Hey, Docky.Copy !req
1297. - Couple more nitrate-sicles, please.
- Two corn dogs coming up.Copy !req
1298. You know, I don't think that they have
enough meats on sticks.Copy !req
1299. No, seriously. If you think about it,
they have plenty of sweets.Copy !req
1300. They have lollipops,
they have Fudgsicles, they have Popsicles...Copy !req
1301. but they don't have
any other meat on sticks.Copy !req
1302. - Yes, you don't see many meats on sticks.
- Absolutely not.Copy !req
1303. You know what I'd like to see?
I'd like to see more meats in a cone.Copy !req
1304. You don't hardly ever see that. You know,
that's an idea I think is waiting to pop.Copy !req
1305. Just like a nice, you know, nice, big,
oversize waffle-cone...Copy !req
1306. - ... stuffed full of chopped liver.
- Chopped liver.Copy !req
1307. Exactly.Copy !req
1308. - Too bad you don't live here, Ted.
- Yeah?Copy !req
1309. Yeah. We have a lot in common.Copy !req
1310. Well, you know, maybe...Copy !req
1311. Have you ever thought about
maybe moving back up to Rhode Island?Copy !req
1312. I thought about it, but I got too much
of a good thing going on here.Copy !req
1313. I got a great practice,
I like the people I work with, and Warren.Copy !req
1314. You know, maybe you should just, like,
move down here and marry me.Copy !req
1315. - So you're a writer.
- Yeah, well, I'm trying to be.Copy !req
1316. Well, the good thing about writing
is you can do it anywhere.Copy !req
1317. That's true.Copy !req
1318. How about you? How did you manage
to stay single all these years?Copy !req
1319. Well, I'm bisexual, so that's hard
for a lot of guys to understand.Copy !req
1320. - Well—
- You gonna smoke that?Copy !req
1321. You know,
I read somewhere that most women...Copy !req
1322. if you really ask them honestly,
have tendencies towards...Copy !req
1323. - I mean, everybody has a bit of—
- Ted, I'm fucking with you.Copy !req
1324. Yeah.Copy !req
1325. Stalking motherfucker.Copy !req
1326. I know. It sickens me.Copy !req
1327. Actually, I did almost get married once.Copy !req
1328. What happened?Copy !req
1329. Well, he was a really great guy.Copy !req
1330. He lived up north, and...Copy !req
1331. Come on, let's go.Copy !req
1332. Here you go.Copy !req
1333. Wait. How many is this?Copy !req
1334. - Four.
- Four?Copy !req
1335. That seems like an awful lot of speed
to give one little pooch.Copy !req
1336. - Are you sure it won't kill him?
- I never said that.Copy !req
1337. Baby.Copy !req
1338. Good, good, good.Copy !req
1339. And so then it was over.
We really haven't spoken since.Copy !req
1340. Wow, sounds like he was almost perfect.Copy !req
1341. Almost.Copy !req
1342. Hey, you wanna go upstairs
and watch SportsCenter?Copy !req
1343. You know, I think I'm just gonna quit
while I'm ahead.Copy !req
1344. You're not that far ahead, Ted.Copy !req
1345. Magda.Copy !req
1346. What are you doing?Copy !req
1347. Hi, hon. Just straightening up.Copy !req
1348. Put that down.Copy !req
1349. Magda.Copy !req
1350. Thanks, doll.Copy !req
1351. Magda. Magda.Copy !req
1352. Honey, where is Puffy?Copy !req
1353. He was being a pest.
I put him in the bathroom.Copy !req
1354. Really?Copy !req
1355. Ted?Copy !req
1356. Can you do me a favor?
Would you mind letting the dog out?Copy !req
1357. I think I should have a talk
with Magda here.Copy !req
1358. Sure, yeah.Copy !req
1359. - Over here.
- Where?Copy !req
1360. - Here. Fine.
- Good. What's going on?Copy !req
1361. More cleaning.Copy !req
1362. - How much coffee did you have tonight?
- None.Copy !req
1363. Mary?Copy !req
1364. What kind of dog is Puffy?Copy !req
1365. - Border terrier.
- Border terrier. Like Benji.Copy !req
1366. Hey.Copy !req
1367. Hey.Copy !req
1368. Are you the little guy
making all that big noise?Copy !req
1369. Oh, Ted!Copy !req
1370. Puffy, stop it!Copy !req
1371. Take a little bit of this.Copy !req
1372. Puffy. Puffy.Copy !req
1373. Puffy!Copy !req
1374. Ted.Copy !req
1375. Puffy.Copy !req
1376. Puffy!Copy !req
1377. Puffy! Puffy! Puffy!Copy !req
1378. How do you know that I'm right?Copy !req
1379. Well, you know. No, I don't.Copy !req
1380. - You want a grape?
- A grape? Sure.Copy !req
1381. - Ready?
- Yeah.Copy !req
1382. All net. All net. We make a good team.Copy !req
1383. Hey. Come on. Want a go?Copy !req
1384. - Closer?
- Don't be afraid. It's all right.Copy !req
1385. Get in closer. That's good. Don't be afraid.
Get right in there. A little bit more.Copy !req
1386. Good. He'll be fine.
Mary, you're being overprotective.Copy !req
1387. No, no, no. We already— We got—Copy !req
1388. Come on, come on.Copy !req
1389. Warren. Warren.Copy !req
1390. - Warren.
- Warren.Copy !req
1391. Warren.Copy !req
1392. - Warren.
- Warren, come here. Stop.Copy !req
1393. I'm okay. I'm okay.Copy !req
1394. Hey. Hey.Copy !req
1395. - It's his fault. He hit me with that stuff.
- Here, let me help with that.Copy !req
1396. Warren! Warren!Copy !req
1397. I didn't do it. He got in the way.Copy !req
1398. I know, I know, I know.
Does anybody have any pliers?Copy !req
1399. Needle-nose, otherwise? Anything?Copy !req
1400. Hey.Copy !req
1401. Flowers are for you, ball is for Warren.
Had a friend FedEx it from Boston.Copy !req
1402. Signed by Tony Conigliaro.Copy !req
1403. Did you hire Pat Healy to spy on me?Copy !req
1404. What?Copy !req
1405. What are you talking about?Copy !req
1406. I got an anonymous letter.Copy !req
1407. It's not true, right, Ted?Copy !req
1408. Well, it's an interesting thing
that happened. I...Copy !req
1409. Yeah, it's true, but it's not—Copy !req
1410. Okay. Get out.Copy !req
1411. Mary, wait.
First of all, I didn't know that this guy was—Copy !req
1412. What, that he was a murderer?Copy !req
1413. That, yeah,
in addition to many other things.Copy !req
1414. I mean, I didn't know anything
about the guy. I hardly know him.Copy !req
1415. How could you do that, Ted?Copy !req
1416. How could you have some guy
you don't even know spy on me?Copy !req
1417. What were you trying to do?Copy !req
1418. Trick me into feeling something for you?Copy !req
1419. No. I didn't—Copy !req
1420. I didn't wanna trick you.Copy !req
1421. Just leave. Okay?Copy !req
1422. Mary.Copy !req
1423. Go.Copy !req
1424. I did it because I never stopped
thinking about you.Copy !req
1425. And if I didn't find you, I knew that my life
would never, ever be good again.Copy !req
1426. Hey.Copy !req
1427. Healy. You in there?Copy !req
1428. Hello?Copy !req
1429. And it was going along just fine
until you showed up.Copy !req
1430. Holy shit.Copy !req
1431. This is a pretty nice place.Copy !req
1432. Sully, what the fuck happened?Copy !req
1433. - Hey, surprise.
- Hey, peace, man. Come on.Copy !req
1434. - You fucked me, man.
- Wait. Come on.Copy !req
1435. - Man, don't do anything rash now, buddy.
- Who the fuck is this guy?Copy !req
1436. That's Norm. He's a pizza boy.
He's in love with Mary too.Copy !req
1437. Look, come on, man.Copy !req
1438. All right, look, I think everybody
could use a drink right now.Copy !req
1439. I don't want a drink.Copy !req
1440. - Fuck you.
- Hey, hey, hey, look.Copy !req
1441. You asked me to follow around your girl
and I did.Copy !req
1442. And then the truth is, I started to like her.Copy !req
1443. And that's when I realized I couldn't
in good conscience bring myself to do it.Copy !req
1444. Do what?Copy !req
1445. Turn her over to a violent stalker.Copy !req
1446. Oh, I'm a stalker?
You're calling me a violent stalker?Copy !req
1447. - Oh, yeah. Sure.
- You're a sick fuck.Copy !req
1448. - Hey, fuck you.
- Fuck you.Copy !req
1449. You just can't take the fact
that it was my turn.Copy !req
1450. - Your turn?
- Yeah, that's right. My turn.Copy !req
1451. Why can't I ever get a girl like Mary?Copy !req
1452. Just because you didn't get her, you didn't
have to blow us both out of the water.Copy !req
1453. What are you talking about?Copy !req
1454. You're gonna tell me
you didn't write her an anonymous letter...Copy !req
1455. telling her about
our whole deal together?Copy !req
1456. What letter?Copy !req
1457. Come on.Copy !req
1458. It was you.Copy !req
1459. You sent the letter.Copy !req
1460. It was you.Copy !req
1461. We had a deal. You said you wouldn't
fuck me and I wouldn't fuck you...Copy !req
1462. until we got this fuck
out of the fucking picture.Copy !req
1463. - You crossed the line, man.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, man.Copy !req
1464. You're getting crazy now.
Why would I cross the line?Copy !req
1465. You probably did it yourself,
you piece of shit.Copy !req
1466. Oh, yeah. That makes a lot of sense.
Why would I rat myself out?Copy !req
1467. Like I'm gonna
try to figure out some guy...Copy !req
1468. whose idea of courting
is blowing farts in her face.Copy !req
1469. - You were following us.
- Don't flatter yourself. I was following her.Copy !req
1470. I always do.Copy !req
1471. How the hell do you think
I got rid of the last guy, Brett?Copy !req
1472. Wait. Brett? Are you saying that Brett
didn't say those things about Warren?Copy !req
1473. Are you shitting me?
Mr. Goody-Two-Shoes?Copy !req
1474. He was like an Eagle Scout.Copy !req
1475. Wait a minute. You two should be kissing
my fucking hairy beanbag, you know?Copy !req
1476. Because if it wasn't for me,
she might have married that schmuck.Copy !req
1477. I feel sick.Copy !req
1478. Both of you are just...Copy !req
1479. I'm out of here.Copy !req
1480. Yeah.Copy !req
1481. Oh, my—Copy !req
1482. Woogie?Copy !req
1483. Who the hell is Woogie?Copy !req
1484. Hello.Copy !req
1485. What are you doing here?Copy !req
1486. Did you get my letter, Mare?
The one about Ted?Copy !req
1487. You sent that?Copy !req
1488. I was worried about you.Copy !req
1489. Woogie, you know you're not
supposed to be within 400 yards of me.Copy !req
1490. Yeah, I know. I do. In fact, you know...Copy !req
1491. that's what I really wanted
to talk to you about.Copy !req
1492. You know that I have actually been through
nine years of intensive psychotherapy.Copy !req
1493. And you know something?
You were absolutely right. I needed help.Copy !req
1494. That's great, Woogie.
I mean, I'm glad you're doing better.Copy !req
1495. You look...Copy !req
1496. - You look good.
- Thank you.Copy !req
1497. Except for the rash thing's still there,
right?Copy !req
1498. Yes. You noticed, huh?
These are called love blisters.Copy !req
1499. They went away for a little while,
but then you came back in my life, milady.Copy !req
1500. Woogie, I did not come back
into your life. Okay?Copy !req
1501. I don't even know how you found me.
Let's not forget, here.Copy !req
1502. You put me through a lot of bullshit,
okay?Copy !req
1503. I had to change my name,
I had to go to court, I moved.Copy !req
1504. I mean, you stole all of my shoes.Copy !req
1505. What? What are you talking about?Copy !req
1506. Woogie, I caught you red-handed.Copy !req
1507. I was in a weird place then, Mary.Copy !req
1508. Come on. Okay? Come on.Copy !req
1509. Give me a break here, okay?
I was a little nuts, a little—Copy !req
1510. But I'm fine.Copy !req
1511. Woogie, you're starting
to make me a little nervous.Copy !req
1512. I'm making you feel nervous?
Nervous? What's that?Copy !req
1513. I wouldn't know anything about nervous.
Jeez.Copy !req
1514. You ever had a whitehead
on your eyeball, Mary?Copy !req
1515. Woogie, I'm asking you to leave.Copy !req
1516. Oh, Mary.
Oh, Mary, you got this all wrong.Copy !req
1517. I'm not going anywhere.Copy !req
1518. Not until I get something
to remember you by.Copy !req
1519. Get your hands out of there.Copy !req
1520. - No. Woogie.
- Yeah.Copy !req
1521. Let go.Copy !req
1522. Stop it. Stop!Copy !req
1523. Just one pair. You owe me that,
you heartless bitch.Copy !req
1524. What the—? Hey.Copy !req
1525. Dom? You're pathetic.Copy !req
1526. Tucker, what happened to your crutches?Copy !req
1527. Yeah, well...Copy !req
1528. Yes, very good query, Mary. Well done.Copy !req
1529. Come on. Tell her the truth, pizza boy.Copy !req
1530. Name's Norm.Copy !req
1531. I live with my folks up in Pompano. Hey.Copy !req
1532. Oh, man.
This is like group therapy or something.Copy !req
1533. Dom. What are you doing here?Copy !req
1534. You stole her from me,
and now I want her back.Copy !req
1535. I stole her from you?
What are you talking about?Copy !req
1536. Woogie. How many times
did I tell you this at Princeton?Copy !req
1537. - Woogie?
- Ted and I had one date.Copy !req
1538. - You and I were already broken up.
- You're Woogie?Copy !req
1539. Dom Woganowski.Copy !req
1540. But you're married.
You have a wife, beautiful kids.Copy !req
1541. Ted, if you love them so much,
please, be my guest.Copy !req
1542. All right, what the hell is going on here?
Can someone explain it to me?Copy !req
1543. Look, we're all in love with Mary.Copy !req
1544. Oh, God.Copy !req
1545. If I may, I have a proposal.Copy !req
1546. I say none of us leaves this room...Copy !req
1547. until our young Mary here
stops jerking us around...Copy !req
1548. and decides, once and for all,
who she really wants.Copy !req
1549. Now, Mary, I know this is tough...Copy !req
1550. but you really will be doing them all
a great favor to tell them the truth about us.Copy !req
1551. Are you crazy? What makes you think
I would pick you anyhow?Copy !req
1552. I mean, you're a murderer.Copy !req
1553. Well, I may have been blowing
a little smoke up your ass there, Mary.Copy !req
1554. I'm sorry.Copy !req
1555. - Touchdown.
- Hi, Mary.Copy !req
1556. - Brett?
- What the hell is Brett Favre doing here?Copy !req
1557. I'm in town to play the Dolphins,
you dumb-ass.Copy !req
1558. Yeah. I called him, Mary. I told him
to pick up Warren and get down here.Copy !req
1559. See, your friend Tucker
was lying about a couple of other things.Copy !req
1560. Brett never said
those bad things about Warren.Copy !req
1561. He loves Warren.Copy !req
1562. And from what he told me on the phone
just now, he loves you too.Copy !req
1563. He's the guy you should be with.Copy !req
1564. That's right, Mary.
You know I'll always be true to you.Copy !req
1565. Shit. This isn't fair. Jesus.Copy !req
1566. You know, I feel like an idiot.Copy !req
1567. See, I realized something today.
I'm no better than any of these guys.Copy !req
1568. I mean, none of them love you, really.Copy !req
1569. They're just fixated on you because of how
you make them feel about themselves.Copy !req
1570. I mean, that's not real love. That's...Copy !req
1571. I don't know what that is.Copy !req
1572. Please, Mary, don't listen to him.Copy !req
1573. This is just another one of his
stupid little ploys.Copy !req
1574. You know, Stroehmann,
you are so full of shit.Copy !req
1575. - Yeah. You're the biggest stalker of us all.
- You're gonna stand here and tell me...Copy !req
1576. that you're not nuts about this girl?Copy !req
1577. Yeah, that's what I'm telling you.Copy !req
1578. - Hey, good luck, Brett.
- Yeah. Thank you.Copy !req
1579. She's a great gal. Take care of her.Copy !req
1580. I'll see you, Mary.Copy !req
1581. Bye, Ted.Copy !req
1582. - Hey, Warren, see you later.
- Okay, goodbye, Ted.Copy !req
1583. Goodbye.Copy !req
1584. God, Mary, I've missed you.Copy !req
1585. Hey, Brett.Copy !req
1586. What are the chances I could get you
to give me a little autograph?Copy !req
1587. - Something nice to the wife and kids.
- What?Copy !req
1588. Oh, shut up. Cock tease.Copy !req
1589. Well, she's back with her old boyfriendCopy !req
1590. He don't challenge her
He don't contend with herCopy !req
1591. And she don't answer the cards you sendCopy !req
1592. And you're jealous of the time
That he spend with herCopy !req
1593. Just let her go into the darknessCopy !req
1594. Let her live for all the things thereCopy !req
1595. Let her go into the darknessCopy !req
1596. Let her go, let her go, let her goCopy !req
1597. Ted.Copy !req
1598. Mary?Copy !req
1599. Ted.Copy !req
1600. Mary.Copy !req
1601. Ted.Copy !req
1602. You forgot your keys.Copy !req
1603. Did you really mean
what you said up there?Copy !req
1604. I just want you to be happy, Mary.Copy !req
1605. But I'd be happiest with you.Copy !req
1606. You're fucking with me, right?Copy !req
1607. What about Brett Favre?Copy !req
1608. What did I tell you the first time we met?Copy !req
1609. I'm a Niners fan.Copy !req
1610. His friends would say
"Stop whining," they've had enough of thatCopy !req
1611. His friends would say
"Stop pining, there's other girls to look at"Copy !req
1612. They've tried to set him up
With Tiffany and IndigoCopy !req
1613. But there's something about Mary
That they don't knowCopy !req
1614. What are you doing?Copy !req
1615. - That's my girl he's kissing.
- But you just slept with me.Copy !req
1616. I was only boning you to get to Mary.Copy !req
1617. And a one, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight.Copy !req