The World's End (2013)

1. Ever had one of those nights

2. that starts out like any other, but ends up being the best night of your life?

3. It was June the 22nd, 1990, our final day of school.

4. There was Oliver Chamberlain, Peter Page, Steven Prince, Andy Knightley and me.

5. They called me The King. Because my name's Gary King.

6. Ollie was funny, he fancied himself as a bit of a player, but really, he was all mouth.

7. We called him O-Man

8. because he had a birthmark on his forehead that looked like a six.

9. He loved it.

10. Pete was the baby of the group.

11. He wasn't the kind of kid we'd usually hang outwith, but he was good for a laugh.

12. And he was absolutely minted.

13. Steve was a pretty cool guy. We jammed together, chased the girls.

14. I think he saw us as rivals. Sweet, really.

15. And Andy. Andy was my wingman.

16. The one guy I could rely on to back me up.

17. He loved me, and I'm not being funny, but I loved him, too.

18. There was nothing we were gonna miss about school.

19. Maybe Mr. Shepherd.

20. He was definitely one of the good guys.

21. He used to ask me what I wanted to do with my life.

22. I told him I just wanted to have a good time.

23. He thought that was funny. It wasn't meant to be.

24. Not that night.

25. Newton Haven was our hometown. Our playground, our universe.

26. And that night it was the site of a heroic quest.

27. The aim? To conquer The Golden Mile.

28. Twelve pubs along a legendary path of alcoholic indulgence.

29. There was The First Post, The Old Familiar,

30. The Famous Cock, The Cross Hands, The Good Companions,

31. The Trusty Servant, The Two Headed Dog, The Mermaid, The Beehive,

32. The King's Head, The Hole in the Wall...

33. All before reaching our destiny, The World's End.

34. We took my car into town.

35. I called it The Beast because she was pretty hairy.

36. And so, our journey into manhood began.

37. We were off. We didn't waste any time.

38. We hit pub one and we hit it hard.

39. There was drinking, there was fun, there was controversy,

40. there were ladies, there were shots, there was drama,

41. and of course, there was drinking.

42. By pub five, we were feeling invincible

43. and decided to purchase some herbal refreshment

44. from a man we called The Reverend Green.

45. Pint six put O-Man out of commission, so we carried on without him.

46. Good thing, I bumped into his sister in the next pub,

47. we went into the disableds and I bumped into her again.

48. Sam tagged along for a while, but then I had to let her go.

49. I had another date that night and her name was Amber.

50. Nine pints in and it was us against the world.

51. Things got mental in The Beehive,

52. so we repaired to the bowls club

53. or as we liked to call it, The Smokehouse, which is when it all went fuck up.

54. Everyone got para and Pete chucked a whitey, so we had to bench him.

55. In the end, we blew off the last three pubs and headed for the hills.

56. I remember sitting up there,

57. blood on my knuckles, beer down my shirt, sick on my shoes,

58. seeing the orange glow of a new dawn break

59. and knowing in my heart, life would never feel this good again.

60. And you know what?

61. It never did.

62. Thank you, Gary. That was very enlightening.

63. Would anyone like to add anything or maybe challenge Gary?

64. Are you disappointed?

65. About what? That you didn't make it to The World's End?

66. No.

67. PASTOR'. Just what is it that you want to do?

68. We want to be free!

69. We want to be free to do what we want to do!

70. And we want to get loaded. And we want to have a good time.

71. And that's what we're going to do.

72. We're going to have a good time.

73. We're going to have a party.

74. PASTOR'. Just what is it that you want to do?

75. And we want to get loaded. And we want to have a good time.

76. She's a beauty. Yeah, but she's no Beast.

77. Hello, Peter.

78. Jesus! Gary?

79. The once and future King.

80. Were you outside my house this morning?

81. No.

82. I could have sworn I saw you on my street.

83. I've never been to Bishop's Gardens.

84. How you doing, man?

85. I'm well. You? Yeah, never better.

86. How is, uh... Vanessa?

87. No. Your wife? Vanessa.

88. Yeah. How's she? She's good.

89. Have you had sex yet? We have two children.

90. Ooh, twice. Get you, fuck machine.

91. We haven't changed, have we?

92. What is he doing here?

93. It's all right, Dad. We're fine.

94. Hi, Mr. P.

95. So, Gary, how can I help you?

96. He looks well. Are you looking to buy a car?

97. Uh... No. I'm afraid the end is nigh.

98. What? The World's End.

99. What do you mean?

100. You know what I mean. One night. Five guys. Twelve pubs.

101. Let battle commence.

102. You want to try that again?

103. Yeah, isn't that something you've always wanted?

104. Not particularly. No. Look. Peter.

105. We didn't make it before, but this time, we're gonna see it through to the bitter end.

106. Or lager end.

107. We? Yeah, the whole gang.

108. Even Andy? Why wouldn't Andy be coming?

109. Well, I thought that after the accident... Not an issue. He's in.

110. What we wanna know is are you?

111. I'd have to check with Vanessa.

112. Who's Vanessa? My wife.

113. Since when have you had to check with your wife?

114. Since we got married.

115. Oh, come on, man, don't you miss it?

116. The laughs, the camaraderie, the fights,

117. the hangovers so fierce it feels like your head is full of ants.

118. Maybe the first two.

119. It begins. What's your new number?

120. Same one I've had for 10 years.

121. Yeah. What's that one?

122. This entire row here, they'll all have dormer windows above the front elevation.

123. Who's the helmet without an helmet?

124. That's Gary King.

125. Knock, knock.

126. What are you doing here, Gary?

127. You're supposed to say, "Who's there?"

128. I can see who's there. It's you.

129. I like what you've done with the place. Bit draughty.

130. How's Selina? We divorced 10 years ago.

131. Yeah, I know, just wondered how she was.

132. She's doing very well, apparently.

133. Have you got anyone else on the go?

134. Yeah, I do, as it happens. She's a fitness instructor. Twenty-six.

135. Pedophile. I'm kidding. I'd love to meet her sometime.

136. No. Why are you here?

137. Haven't you heard? We're getting the band back together.

138. I'm not your bass player anymore.

139. No, I mean we're getting the boys back together.

140. We can get the band back together as well if you want.

141. No, we can't. You sold my guitar to buy drugs.

142. I've always wondered, what's that thing over the door called?

143. That's a lintel.

144. So, the plan is, we're going to go back to Newton Haven,

145. we are gonna do The Golden Mile

146. and this time, we are gonna make it to The World's End.

147. Everybody's in.

148. What, even Andy?

149. Oh, you better believe it, big balls.

150. Andy is going drinking with you? With us.

151. Think about it, go back to the old town, sink a few pints...

152. Twelve pints. Yeah.

153. Twelve pints is insane. I know!

154. What is this all about, Gary?

155. It's about closure, you know.

156. Why should getting older affect something as important as friendship?

157. A lot's changed since then, Oliver. Right.

158. This is our chance to take stock.

159. A stock take? You make it sound so much fun.

160. Come on, O-Man. Isn't that something you'd like?

161. What I'd really like is for you to take your DMs off the sofa.

162. Look. If you're worried about me, don't be. All right?

163. I'm here to tell you that Gary King is back on the horse.

164. Whoa, whoa, whoa. You're back on the horse?

165. No, I mean I'm back on the bike.

166. What is bike? What do you mean?

167. What is bike slang for? Bicycle.

168. I'm lost. Don't be.

169. Okay. Listen.

170. This is our chance to finally finish what we started.

171. Come on, man, it'll be fucking mental!

172. I think we're all done. So...

173. How do you like the property?

174. Yeah. It's amazing. Amazing location.

175. Fantastic. Fantastic aspects.

176. It's just... It's just a little bit out of our price range.

177. He'll knock some off for you. What's it down for?

178. 1.2 million. Fuck off!

179. You have my card.

180. Gary, WTF?

181. It's good to see you, too, O-Man.

182. Please don't call me O-Man. Sure.

183. Hey, how's your sister? She's fine.

184. She talk about me? No.

185. So, Friday, we'll all go down together.

186. Make a road trip of it, I'll drive.

187. Don't think I can. I think I've got a doctor's appointment.

188. Yeah, you do. With Dr. Ink!

189. You know, Dr. Ink? Yeah. "Drink." I get it.

190. Come on. It wouldn't be the same without the O-Man.

191. Jesus.

192. You can see the guys, see how they're doing. Tell them how you're doing.

193. You never know, you might make it to the end this time.

194. And Andy's definitely coming? Yeah.

195. Andy Knightley? Totes.

196. And you convinced him how?

197. Mr. Knightley. Felicity.

198. You have a friend here to see you.

199. No, I don't.

200. This is a bit grown up, isn't it? Yup.

201. Saw the boys the other day. Mmm-hmm.

202. O-Man, Stevie-Baby, the Petertron.

203. Yeah, I remember the names of our childhood friends, Gary.

204. We had ourselves a little idea.

205. Did you now?

206. Yeah. We're going to go back to Newton Haven.

207. Why? For some unfinished business.

208. That's a joke, right?

209. Five guys. Twelve pubs. Fifty pints. Sixty pints.

210. Steady on, you fucking alky.

211. I haven't had a drink for 16 years, Gary.

212. You must be thirsty then.

213. We can go back, see the guys, chew the fat, it'll be just like it always was,

214. except this time we're going to finish this thing once and for all.

215. You have a very selective memory, Gary. Thanks.

216. You remember the Friday nights.

217. I remember the Monday mornings.

218. Yeah, that's why we're going back on a Friday.

219. Why do you think none of us live in Newton Haven anymore?

220. I don't know. Because it's a black hole. It's boring.

221. It always was and it always will be.

222. It's only boring because we're not there.

223. It's pointless arguing with you. Exactly. So come.

224. I'm picking everybody up from High Wycombe station, Friday, 3:00 sharp.

225. No, Gary.

226. Oh, God, why? Have you got to check with your missus?

227. No, actually, I don't have to check with my missus.

228. What are you doing? I'm showing you the door.

229. Is it a door? It doesn't have a lintel.

230. And it's glass. So is it a window or is it a door?

231. Maybe it's a windoor. You can have that.

232. Please leave, Gary.

233. All right. All right.

234. £600, wasn't it?

235. Oh, um, I thought you should know. What?

236. Mum died.

237. When? Couple of weeks ago.

238. The big cancer.

239. I'm sorry.

240. She just always really liked you, you know.

241. Got me thinking about the old days.

242. Particularly that night, you know, because we were so happy.

243. And, you know, I love the boys like brothers,

244. but when all's said and done, you're the best friend lever had.

245. It was good to see you, mate.

246. Pete?

247. Steven. Thank God.

248. I had a horrible feeling I was going to be the only one here.

249. I reckon that's not the last horrible feeling you're gonna have today, mate.

250. This can't be happening. Can it?

251. You said it. What the hell are we doing here?

252. What we always did.

253. Follow Gary King into almost certain oblivion.

254. Hello, Steven.

255. You all right, mate?

256. Pete. Hi, mate.

257. Didn't we decide to stop calling him Fearless Leader somewhere around 1992?

258. Old habits die hard.

259. They'll be putting that on Gary's tombstone.

260. No, they won't. You know he'll outlive us all.

261. That'd be funny if it wasn't true.

262. Hang on a sec. What?

263. I'm just trying to decide which of us is the biggest idiot for coming.

264. Maybe he had an accident. Oh, sorry, Andy.

265. Sorry. No,no, no. It's fine.

266. I think Gary having an accident

267. would actually be the best outcome for all of us, including Gary.

268. Unbelievable.

269. Oh, yes.

270. Look at these cunts.

271. You're late. No, I'm not.

272. Yeah, you are. You said 3:00. It's almost 4:00.

273. Yeah, 3 for 4.

274. You know your problem, Gary? You're never wrong.

275. How is that a problem?

276. I can't believe you bought another Granada Mark ll.

277. What do you mean?

278. This looks exactly like the car I sold you in 1989.

279. This is the car you sold me in 1989. Best 300 quid I ever spent.

280. This is The Beast? Yeah.

281. Pretty much. I mean, she's had a bit of work done.

282. I had to replace the brakes, suspension, exhaust, seats, wheels,

283. paneling, carburetor, manifold, the whole engine, really, mirrors, headlamps.

284. Other than that, she's the same old motor.

285. You could almost say an antique.

286. Well, then let's get this antique on the roadshow.

287. Come on, you bellends. We're going to be late.

288. And we're back. Just like the Five Musketeers.

289. Three Musketeers, isn't it?

290. Four if you count D'Artagnan.

291. Well, nobody knows how many there were, really, do they, Pete?

292. I mean, history's a sketchbook.

293. You do know that The Three Musketeers is a fiction, right?

294. Written by Alexandre Dumas?

295. A lot of people are saying that about the Bible these days.

296. What, that it was written by Alexandre Dumas?

297. Don't be daft, Steve, it was written by Jesus.

298. Oh. Anyway, five sounds much better.

299. I think they missed a trick only having three.

300. 'Cause you'd have five, then two could've died and they'd still have three left.

301. Are we there yet? Let's do this!

302. Soup Dragons! I remember this one.

303. I put this on a tape for you, didn't I?

304. Yeah, this is it.

305. This is the tape? Yeah, yeah! Look, look.

306. Where did you find it? It was in the tape player.

307. Oh, look. Is anyone hungry?

308. I need a piss actually.

309. This is a long piss.

310. If it is a piss.

311. Might be a little... Poo.

312. How is that a poo?

313. Still work for your old man, Pete? Yeah. I'm a partner now.

314. You?

315. Yeah, started my own firm in '98. Got bought out in '05.

316. I'm happier, though. It's less stress.

317. Ollie? Property.

318. I co-manage a boutique estate agency in North London.

319. Very competitive.

320. Is it family law you're in, Andy? Corporate.

321. Does anyone know what Gary's doing?

322. He's playing Need For Speed. Over there.

323. Come on, come on, come on!

324. He hasn't changed, has he?

325. I don't know. He did finally pay me back that £600.

326. Really? He borrowed £200 off me. And me.

327. I can't believe it. I can't believe you'd do that!

328. Oh! Of course I can.

329. It's just robbing Peter to pay Paul.

330. No, I borrowed it from Peter to pay you. I still owe Paul.

331. Oh, shit.

332. Newton Haven.

333. Take a moment to look upon it in its original colors, boys, for tonight we paint it red.

334. Oh, no, no, no. Shit.

335. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

336. Fuck, fuck.

337. Oh, no, it's okay, I did it all in the services.

338. Know why I pulled you over, sir?

339. Was the music too loud?

340. Your left brake light is faulty. Oh!

341. The old brake lights! So called because they're always breaking.

342. I'll get that sorted out, Officer.

343. Can I see your license, sir? Yup.

344. Ah!

345. You know what? It's in my wallet.

346. And I left that at the bloody gym!

347. Any other form of identification? No, it's all in my sports bag.

348. That's bloody typical, isn't it? Um...

349. I'll give you my name and address, you can run me through the old system.

350. Go on then.

351. It's Peter Page.

352. 48 Bishop's Gardens, London, N2 T12.

353. Jesus, Gary! WTF? Why did you give him my name?

354. I'm not gonna give him my name, am I?

355. Suppose I get done by the police?

356. You won't get done by the police.

357. Gary, he will check the number plate against his name!

358. I know. Why do you think I gave him Pete's name?

359. Jesus Christ, Gary, I own a car showroom. lam a junior partner.

360. This is...

361. Just trust me.

362. So, Mr. Page, what brings you to Newton Haven?

363. Well, we're all from here. We're just back to see the sights.

364. Have a crack at the old Golden Mile.

365. Might get a bit messy.

366. Well, you make sure you get that brake light fixed

367. and you might want to do an emissions test, too.

368. Oh, and, Peter.

369. Don't make too much mess.

370. We won't!

371. Hmm.

372. I don't understand.

373. It's simple, Pete.

374. The car's still registered to you, it has been since 1989.

375. But I've moved three times since then.

376. I know, I changed the log book.

377. Where do you think all those points came from?

378. Jesus. You guys need to relax.

379. Do you know how much trouble you could get into?

380. Do you know how much trouble I'm already in?

381. What's that supposed to mean?

382. Hey. What the hell is this? Why are we even here?

383. We are here to get annihilated.

384. Have you got any plans for dinner at all?

385. Tonight, we will be partaking of a liquid repast

386. as we wend our way up The Golden Mile.

387. Commencing with an inaugural tankard at The First Post,

388. then onto The Old Familiar, The Famous Cock, The Cross Hands,

389. The Good Companions, The Trusty Servant,

390. The Two Headed Dog, The Mermaid, The Beehive, The King's Head

391. and The Hole in the Wall for a measure of the same.

392. All before the last bittersweet pint in that most fateful terminus,

393. The World's End.

394. Leave a light on, good lady,

395. for though we may return with a twinkle in our eyes,

396. we will, in truth, be blind drunk.

397. Come on!

398. Until 1840... Fucking hell.

399. this building was the site of Newton Haven's first post office.

400. Until an enterprising business fellow decided that

401. far from befitting the sending and receiving of mail

402. it was perhaps better suited as a humble taproom

403. where a weary traveler might get twatted. Come on.

404. Ah!

405. It's like déjà vu.

406. I don't remember this at all. Has it been refurbished?

407. Been bought by a chain, hasn't it?

408. Part of that nationwide initiative to rob

409. small, charming pubs of any discernible character.

410. Starbucking, man. It's happening everywhere.

411. Can't take away that smell, though.

412. I'm sure they tried.

413. Good evening, Raymondo. The prodigal sons return. Eh?

414. Who's on the guest list tonight?

415. Come again? The guest ales.

416. We, sir, are doing The Golden Mile and you have

417. the honor of drawing first blood.

418. What do you recommend? There's one. Crowning Glory.

419. Rather fitting. How's that?

420. I'm Gary King. What?

421. So tell me more. About what?

422. Crowning Glory. Is it nutty? Is it foamy? Is it hoppy?

423. Does it have a surprisingly fruity note which lingers on the tongue?

424. Hmm. It's beer. Hmm.

425. We'll have five of those, please.

426. No. Sorry. Can we have four of those and a tap water, please?

427. What?

428. I don't believe this,

429. a man of your legendary prowess drinking fucking rain.

430. It's like seeing a lion eating some hummus.

431. That doesn't make any sense. I know it doesn't make any sense.

432. You seriously have a problem with me not drinking, after what happened?

433. I don't, but King Arthur does! Oh, this'll be good.

434. What's King Arthur got to do with it?

435. Do you honestly think that King Arthur came back from the Battle of Hastings,

436. fucking rocked up at Arthur's Castle... Camelot.

437. walked up to the bar and went,

438. "Hello. Could I have a tap water?"

439. No, because they didn't have running water in Arthurian times.

440. Exactly. He would have had a mead. The King Arthur of beers.

441. And I'm less of a man because I choose to drink water?

442. Well, it's a bit "ooh ducky", innit?

443. That's not very PC, Gary.

444. Get out of the '90s, Pete.

445. There's nothing "ooh ducky" about being teetotal,

446. about walking into a pub after a rugby match

447. and ordering a tap water at a bar packed full of big ugly bastards wearing warpaint.

448. That, my friend, takes confidence, yeah? I'm talking balls.

449. You said it, poof.

450. I don't know if you're aware of this, Gary, but we are not teenagers anymore.

451. And God forbid you ever have children, because if

452. I might have kids.

453. Then you had better be ready to take responsibility...

454. No. I mean I might have kids.

455. You remember Karen Eggerton, who I fucked?

456. She was two weeks late when her parents emigrated to Normandy.

457. I never heard from her again. She might have had a baby.

458. Imagine that? A French kid.

459. It's pointless arguing with you.

460. To kids. Wherever they may be.

461. Kids. Kids.

462. Drink up. Let's Boo-Boo.

463. "Boo-Boo". What is that?

464. You remember, "Let's Boo-Boo."

465. You know, from Mr. Shepherd's classroom, it said on the wall,

466. "Exit, pursued by a bear," you know, from that Shakespeare play?

467. A Winter's Tale. Yeah. What was it called?

468. A Winter's Tale. That's it.

469. And if we needed to make a quick getaway, we'd say, "Exit, pursued by a bear,"

470. and then it was, "Exit, pursued by Yogi Bear,"

471. and then it was just, "Let's Yogi and Boo-Boo,"

472. and then, "Let's Boo-Boo."

473. So you're saying we should go? Yeah. It's shit here, innit?

474. Ah!

475. The Old Familiar. Now this is a pub.

476. Yes. This is more like it.

477. Like déjà vu.

478. David, my man, have you heard the news? Gary King is back in town.

479. Who's he?

480. How was the funeral, Gary?

481. Your mum's funeral?

482. It's difficult to put into words.

483. But if I had to choose three, I would say,

484. "Really, really sad."

485. Oh, no, that's two, isn't it?

486. How about, "Really, very sad"?

487. It's a shame, she was a good woman.

488. I really liked your mum.

489. Me, too, mate. Me, too.

490. Hello. Hello, mate.

491. Are you here?

492. Yeah, I've been here for ages. What are you talking about?

493. You get lost on the ring road again?

494. This is Newton Haven.

495. What time are you meeting The Twins? Twins?

496. We're all at The Old Familiar. Come by if you want.

497. Yeah, he is. Okay. See you soon.

498. Who was that, O-Man?

499. Don't call me O-Man, Gary. If you must know it was Sam.

500. Sam's here? Sam's here?

501. Is there a fucking echo in here? Yes, Sam's here.

502. She's down from Manchester. We're driving to Mum's tomorrow.

503. What, and she's coming here?

504. Calm down, Steve, I saw her first. Jesus Christ, not this again.

505. Are you fucking kidding me? I saw her first.

506. You really have a selective memory, don't you?

507. Somebody else was saying that.

508. Me. No. I would have remembered.

509. I told you I had a thing about Sam

510. and you proceeded to try and get in her pants at every opportunity.

511. Guys, please.

512. You only liked her after you found out I liked her!

513. That's right, because you did the school play.

514. Cabaret. Cabaret. Because she was in it.

515. And she wore those fishnet stockings and you got a big boner on stage.

516. Jesus Christ.

517. Doesn't matter anyway, she always had a massive wide on for Adrian Keane.

518. I hated that prick.

519. Can we not talk about my sister in relation to,

520. A, massive wide ons, B, Steven's erect penis?

521. All right.

522. Is she still fit, though? I'm not answering that.

523. Is she, though?

524. Am I what? Fit.

525. Hello, Sam. Steven? You've grown, haven't you?

526. Yeah, sideways. You look fantastic.

527. Steroids.

528. Andy, long time.

529. Hi, Pete. Hi, Sam.

530. All right, big brother?

531. Gary.

532. Willkommen. Bien venue. Welcome.

533. Sam. Would you like a drink?

534. Hey, Steve. She's just got here. Come on.

535. Sam. Would you like a drink?

536. I'll have a vodka tonic, thanks, Steven. Sure.

537. I'm just going to nip to the loo. Cool.

538. Nature calls.

539. What are you doing? What are you doing?

540. I'm going to the toilet. Well, then, so am I.

541. Gary! You are out of your mind!

542. What are you talking about? You gave me the sign.

543. What sign? You went to the toilet.

544. Gary, are you serious? I haven't seen you in 20 years.

545. Do you really think I'm going to have sex with you in the ladies' toilet?

546. Well, the disableds is out of order.

547. Gary. What happened? I don't know,

548. maybe one of them put too many paper towels down the toilet.

549. I mean, we don't know what they are thinking, really, do we?

550. No. What happened to you?

551. Nothing.

552. Nothing happened to me. I'm the same old Gary.

553. No shit. Huh!

554. So, do you wanna?

555. Oliver. I'll see you later. You're going?

556. I thought you weren't meeting The Twins for another half hour?

557. I'm not. Oh, yeah. I believe this is yours.

558. "Out of order." It's a private joke.

559. I don't want to know.

560. What is that? Modern art.

561. It's a memorial, isn't it?

562. Yeah. To modern art.

563. Hey, guys, do you know what time it is?

564. It's not even 6:00.

565. Wrong! It's high time we got onto The Cock!

566. Whoo-hoo!

567. Let's go.

568. Come on.

569. When you're ready, mate.

570. Oh, shit. Look who it is.

571. Basil. Mad Basil!

572. Do you remember? We used to come in here

573. and listen to him talk about fucking UFOs and lizard people and underwater Nazis.

574. Didn't he spout some bullshit about the Bermuda Triangle

575. actually being a square?

576. No, he said it was two isosceles triangles forming a rhombus.

577. He was your best mate, wasn't he, Steve?

578. No, he wasn't my best mate, Gary.

579. He was a lonely, old guy and I felt a bit sorry for him.

580. That's right. Basil!

581. Maybe we're not the local legends you think we are.

582. Gary King? Speak for yourself, mate.

583. You're barred.

584. I cannot fucking believe this. This is ridiculous.

585. Believe me, Gary, it's not worth it.

586. Have two in the next one. Have them all in the next one, for all I care.

587. We've got to have one in every pub otherwise the whole thing's fucked.

588. I'd say it was fairly fucked already, mate.

589. Great.

590. How much more of this do we have to endure?

591. That was three. There's nine more. Oh, good.

592. Fuck that I need to eat something.

593. We can get some food in the next pub.

594. As long as it's reasonably healthy.

595. This is Newton Haven.

596. Hardly the heart of the organic revolution.

597. I doubt it's the heart of anything.

598. My wife wanted us to go organic, problem is, I kinda like eating shit.

599. The next pub does shit! Keep up!

600. Oh, yeah. I remember this one.

601. We had New Year's in here, didn't we? '89 into '90.

602. Isn't that when you slept on the pool table, Andy?

603. Yeah. I believe it was.

604. For six hours. Six hours.

605. Thank you for reminding me.

606. Do you remember when you woke up,

607. we said you'd been asleep for a year and that it was 1991

608. and you freaked out and punched a clock?

609. That was a great night.

610. Didn't you manage to get off with Erika Leekes, Peter?

611. Yes, I did. Something of a personal triumph, if I say so myself.

612. She of the Marmalade Sandwich fame? Marmalade Sandwich...

613. The very same.

614. Erika Leekes, Tracy Benson, Becky Salt.

615. Two blondes and a redhead in the middle.

616. The Marmalade Sandwich. Becky Salt. Fucking hell.

617. Wonder what they're doing now.

618. Why don't you ask them?

619. What do you mean?

620. I mean, sitting at that table over there are two blondes and a redhead in the middle.

621. Shut the fuck up.

622. I'd say that's Erika Leekes on the left, Tracy Benson on the right,

623. and by process of elimination, there's Becky Salt in the middle.

624. That's the Marmalade Sandwich all growed up.

625. That is very spooky.

626. We should get them over. No.

627. Leave the past where it is.

628. It's bad enough having to look at your old, ugly mugs.

629. You make it sound like we're fucking ancient.

630. We haven't changed that much.

631. I mean, sure, Steve's let himself go a bit. What?

632. Pete's got the same haircut and Oliver has still got his mark of the devil.

633. No, he hasn't. No, he hasn't.

634. It's called laser surgery, Gary.

635. It's a small price to pay for not being called fucking O-Man.

636. That works for Sisters Of Mercy tattoos as well.

637. I still like the Sisters Of Mercy.

638. Well, good job, or you'd never go swimming.

639. I'm lost. Don't be.

640. Well, I for one, think it's nice to see the old faces again.

641. Cheers, mate.

642. Excuse me? This taken?

643. Is this seat taken?

644. Have it, mate.

645. Thanks.

646. Wasn't that... Shane Hawkins.

647. Hey, didn't he... Yes, he did.

648. Hang on. What happened with Shane Hawkins again?

649. I'd rather not bring it all up again, if that's okay.

650. Hey, man. Listen, Pete.

651. Bottling up past trauma can lead to

652. inadequate coping strategies in later life, apparently.

653. I don't know, I mean, it's not even about the past, you know.

654. It's not about the fact that he bullied me,

655. that he made me miss more school days than chicken pox.

656. It's not even that he forced me to spend entire lessons hiding in a toilet cubicle,

657. or that he punched me so hard he dislodged my eyeball.

658. And it's not even that he ruined a large portion of my childhood.

659. No, it's the fact that just then, he didn't recognize me.

660. He looked straight through me like it all meant nothing.

661. That probably sounds weird, doesn't it?

662. Shots!

663. S-H-O-T-S. Shots.

664. What are you doing, Gary?

665. I thought it was obvious. Shots.

666. Firstly, Peter was talking about something

667. which clearly made him feel very uncomfortable.

668. It's all right, Andy. No, Peter, it's not all right.

669. Secondly, 12 pints is more than enough, and thirdly, I don't fucking drink!

670. But shots don't count, do they?

671. You said you wanted to catch up and chew the fat.

672. I think you just wanted to drink it.

673. We're not here as your friends.

674. We're just your fucking enablers.

675. Enablers. That's a funny word, isn't it? "Enabler."

676. Gary King And The Enablers.

677. That's a good name for a band, Steve. Write that down.

678. Don't do a Gary, Gary.

679. Oh, is that a thing now, is it? It's always been a thing.

680. You don't need us to help you get fucked up,

681. you've done a perfectly good job so far on your own.

682. I'm gonna go and see if there's a bus back to London

683. if anyone wants to come with me.

684. You can't go. This is special. This is our anniversary.

685. It's not the anniversary, Gary.

686. We did this in June. It's October.

687. Yeah, but it's the anniversary of the year, isn't it?

688. Every year is the anniversary of a year!

689. It's just not the same anymore, Gary,

690. and it's not that the town's changed, we have changed.

691. Yeah, well, you can't go, 'cause the buses are finished.

692. Then I'm gonna go back to the B&B. You coming?

693. I could do with an early one actually.

694. I should probably go and find Sam.

695. Yeah, I'm gonna go and find Sam with Oliver.

696. That's settled then, yeah?

697. You know what I think? I think you're jealous.

698. Yeah, you've got your houses and your oars and your wives and your job security.

699. But you don't have what I have. Freedom.

700. You're all slaves and I'm free to do what I want any old time.

701. And this is what you want?

702. You should grow up, mate. Join society.

703. Yeah, but Mum died.

704. And we're all very sorry, but now it's time to go home.

705. I thought we were home.

706. I can't help feeling sorry for him.

707. Don't.

708. Oh! Fuck! Piss!

709. Careful, the floor's a bit pissy.

710. Wasn't me.

711. That was me.

712. Did that back in '90.

713. 1990.

714. Punched the shit out of the wall.

715. I don't know why. Seemed important at the time.

716. You guys look like you're having a good night, though.

717. I'm doing The Golden Mile tonight. You want to tag along?

718. We'll be like The Six Musketeers.

719. I said we're doing The Golden Mile.

720. You think you're so cool, don't you?

721. Huh?

722. But we were cooler.

723. We owned this town.

724. We paved the way for you lot. Blazed a trail.

725. Hey! Look at me when I'm talking to you!

726. Please don't. Don't what?

727. You don't want to do that.

728. Don't I?

729. What?

730. You need to explain this right now!

731. Andy, this kid just attacked me.

732. Don't you dare change the subject!

733. He smashed my head in the mirror.

734. You know who I just spoke to? Your mum!

735. And not from the afterlife. From fucking Bournemouth.

736. Is that real?

737. She says she hasn't spoken to you for eight months.

738. Andy... His head just came off!

739. No, Gary, you are not gonna wriggle out of it this time.

740. WTF!

741. There's someone in here.

742. Andy, did you see...

743. WTF, Gary. WTF.

744. What the fuck does "WTF" mean?

745. - What the fuck? - Oh, yeah.

746. This can't be happening. Can it?

747. You said it, mate.

748. I can't believe it.

749. I know, mate.

750. I can't believe you lied about your mum!

751. That was a white lie!

752. How is that a white lie? She's not dead, is she?

753. Wait, wait, wait! Where are you going?

754. To get help. No, don't do that!

755. What, don't get help? We don't know how far this goes.

756. Wait, who are you calling? Vanessa.

757. Who's Vanessa? My wife.

758. Why are you calling your wife? Because she's my wife.

759. You just said we don't know how far this goes.

760. I was just thinking about the pub. Oh, well, there's a surprise.

761. I can't get through.

762. Can you get through to Sam?

763. I've got full bars and I'm not getting through.

764. OPERATOR'. I'm sorry, your call cannot be connected at this time.

765. Must be the network.

766. Holy shit. This is all connected.

767. This explains why everything's gone fuck up.

768. Everybody's been replaced by one of these.

769. That's why no one recognized us, Basil, Dave, Raymondo.

770. I thought it was weird. Shane Hawkins.

771. Exactly. It's not us that's changed, it's the town.

772. I'm right, aren't I, Andy?

773. Andy, aren't I right? You're never wrong.

774. No, whatever the fuck's happening, we can't stay in the gents forever.

775. Ten people have entered this toilet in the last five minutes

776. and not a single one has come back out again.

777. That's going to look suspicious.

778. Gay loving.

779. And that's worse than five dismembered bodies?

780. This is Newton Haven.

781. How's it looking? Normal. Very normal.

782. I don't like it.

783. What do we do? Let's finish our drinks.

784. I say we neck these and get the fuck out of here.

785. To London? To The Trusty Servant.

786. Are you fucking kidding? Oh, yeah.

787. It's The Good Companions next. I always mix those two up.

788. Are you saying we move on to the next pub?

789. We should get in The Beast and head back to London!

790. My brake light is broken. So don't use the brakes!

791. I'm way over the limit. When has that ever stopped you?

792. I don't want to put any more points on Pete's license.

793. Andy can drive, he's teetotal!

794. Ah!

795. That's settles it then.

796. The last thing we need to do is get pulled over by the police.

797. A, we're all drunk,

798. B, they might be in on it and, C, we've got blood on our hands.

799. It's more like ink. We've got ink on our hands.

800. So, has it got messy yet? What?

801. What are you, five pubs in? Four

802. Oh, not even halfway. Plenty more fun to be had.

803. Enjoy your night, Peter.

804. Thank you.

805. Thank you.

806. Sorry.

807. The way I see it, we've told everybody we were doing The Golden Mile.

808. You did.

809. If we suddenly jump in The Beast now and head for the hills,

810. they're gonna know that we know,

811. but if we keep doing what we're doing and going where we're going,

812. then they're not gonna know.

813. Know what? That we know.

814. I suggest we finish what we started and leave quietly in the morning.

815. Wait. You're really suggesting... We finish The Golden Mile.

816. It's pointless arguing with him.

817. Drink up. Let's Boo-Boo.

818. We're just five friends

819. on a night out, having a good time.

820. Drinking. Ah!

821. Been Pubs

822. Shall we?

823. I feel a little uncomfortable drinking this much.

824. It's like Dutch courage, isn't it?

825. You know, when the English soldiers used to drink Dutch gin before battle

826. to give them super strength.

827. You know, I thought that was to numb the sense of impending doom.

828. Exactly.

829. We're just five friends on a night out, having a good time.

830. I need the toilet.

831. Go on then. You've earned it. Huh?

832. You're doing really good, Oliver.

833. He didn't make it this far last time. I'm proud of him.

834. You're enjoying this, aren't you?

835. Yeah, five guys on a night out, having a great time.

836. Pretending to have a great time.

837. Are you pretending?

838. If we get out of here alive, I'm going to kill you.

839. We're still in the dark, Gary.

840. Yeah, our families could be in danger for all we know.

841. I know, my mum could be dead. For reals this time.

842. Hey, why don't we just ask somebody? Who?

843. The Reverend Green. Come on. Wait.

844. What the fuck are you doing?

845. I'm going to go and have a little chat with The Reverend Green.

846. You're going to buy drugs?

847. I am going to go over there and subtly check if that is The Reverend Green

848. and if it is, I can ask him what's going on,

849. and possibly buy some drugs.

850. But what if he's one of them?

851. No, me and The Reverend had a highly sophisticated code

852. when discussing the purchase of herbal narcotics.

853. If he doesn't understand me, it means he's one of them and I will simply walk away.

854. Ah!

855. Have you got any drugs? I don't do that anymore, Gary.

856. Do what? That.

857. That why you're in a suit, is it?

858. 'Cause drug dealing is not good enough for you?

859. There are no drug dealers anymore, Gary.

860. I've got a proper job in a proper office.

861. You had a proper office. That was the gents' toilets.

862. Nothing wrong with doing your business in the toilet.

863. Look, a lot has changed since you have left. I know.

864. How much do you know? A little.

865. How much is a little?

866. The town has been taken over by robots full of blue stuff.

867. Shh. Keep your voice down.

868. You don't even know what you're talking about.

869. Tell us then. Well, they're not robots.

870. Do you even know what robot means?

871. Course I do. It's like, "Hello, lam a robot."

872. It means "slave" and believe me, they are not slaves.

873. Are you their prisoner? No, lam very happy.

874. Tell your face.

875. Hey! What's going on?

876. The town's been invaded by robots who aren't robots

877. and The Rev's their prisoner. I am not.

878. We're leaving first thing. We can get you out of here.

879. I'm not going. It's not what you think. This is for all our benefit.

880. You've said too much, Trevor. Yeah, put a cork in it, Trevor.

881. I'm just trying to help. It's not your place to help.

882. They will have everything in hand.

883. Are you guys robots?

884. Well, the word robot actually comes from an old Czech word...

885. robotnik. .. meaning slave.

886. And we are not slaves. We are very, very happy.

887. And not robots.

888. Oh, my God, are these guys robots?

889. Shut up about robots!

890. I say we shut up about everything!

891. Trevor.

892. It's your supervisor.

893. Hello, Trevor. Hello, sir.

894. But...

895. I understand.

896. Thanks a bunch.

897. What did I miss?

898. Your friends trying to help.

899. We don't need your help.

900. Well, what should we do?

901. I suggest you get on your way.

902. I think we should do what he says.

903. Okay.

904. Here we go.

905. Come on! Gary.

906. Gary!

907. Let's just get in and out of this one, yeah?

908. No more making new friends.

909. Gentlemen! The prodigal sons return!

910. What will it be, one of our guest ales perchance?

911. Might I recommend five pints of Crowning Glory?

912. Rather fitting, wouldn't you say, Gary? What? Sorry. What?

913. It's a delightful brew. Hoppy, nutty, foamy.

914. Does it have a surprisingly fruity note that lingers on the tongue?

915. You're obviously a connoisseur.

916. Then you'll already know that it's a rare treat

917. for rogues, reverends, royalty and all good folks between.

918. Five of those, please.

919. Welcome home, boys.

920. I don't remember him being that friendly.

921. He's obviously one of them.

922. How can he be? He remembered me.

923. We don't know what they remember.

924. Maybe they have selective memories.

925. Yeah, like what's his name? Me.

926. Maybe he's one of the others. Like The Reverend.

927. It is very hard to tell, isn't it?

928. Yeah, I mean, is he one of them or is he one of them?

929. Wait, wait, which ones are the thems again?

930. Well, they're both thems, aren't they?

931. But there's two ways of saying it.

932. Is he one of them or is he one of them?

933. We need different terms.

934. One for the people who aren't robots and one for the robots who aren't robots.

935. All right, we need to be able to differentiate between them, them and us.

936. Yeah, I think the pronouns are really confusing.

937. Yes. I don't even know what a pronoun is.

938. It's a word that can function by itself as a noun

939. which refers to something else in the discourse.

940. I don't get it. You just used one.

941. Did I? Yeah. "it" is a pronoun.

942. What is? It.

943. Is it? Christ.

944. Look, we just need a fucking word so we can identify who's who.

945. He's a blank, she's a blank, those two people are definitely blanks.

946. Sam.

947. I got this, Steve.

948. All right, Sam? Oh, crumbs.

949. How's your night going?

950. Good. Sort of.

951. What do you mean "sort of"?

952. Well, it's weird, isn't it?

953. You come back and everything's the same, but sort of different.

954. Different how?

955. Just weird.

956. How weird?

957. What are you getting at, Gary?

958. Come with me.

959. Fuck's sake, Gary, take a hint.

960. It's all right, I'm not trying to have sex with you.

961. Why are we in the disabled toilets then?

962. There's something I need to tell you right now,

963. unless you do want to have sex,

964. in which case I'll tell you afterwards.

965. Tell me right now.

966. Have you noticed anything creepy about The Twins

967. apart from the fact that they're twins?

968. Just because they're twins doesn't automatically make them creepy.

969. It does a little bit. You had sex with them.

970. A, I did not, and, B, how did you know about that?

971. A, it's a small town, B, I'm not stupid and, C, they told me.

972. Right. Well, I did once, but I was wasted,

973. which was creepy because it was like there was four of them.

974. I am not proud of it. I am a bit.

975. Is this what you wanted to tell me? No, this is...

976. Are you okay, Sam? Are you okay, Sam?

977. I need a cigarette.

978. Nobots? How about Fauxbots?

979. I think we should get away from the whole robots thing.

980. Steven?

981. What's he up to?

982. Oh, don't worry, he's probably just trying to fuck Oliver's sister.

983. Andy.

984. Oh, my God, that man is full of shit.

985. I know that's not a surprise to you.

986. What did he say, Sam? What did he say, Sam?

987. He said that Newton Haven has been taken over by robots full of blue stuff

988. and if we don't do what they say, they will make us their prisoners.

989. Did you believe him? Did you believe him?

990. No, of course not.

991. Did you believe him? Did you believe him?

992. What?

993. See? Come on, Sam.

994. You know better than to believe Gary King.

995. Oh, crumbs.

996. Sam!

997. God! You creepy bitches, get off!

998. Chuck us a ciggie.

999. Oh.

1000. Gary, what's happening?

1001. I told you in the disableds. Oh, yes, you did.

1002. We should get inside, eh?

1003. Otherwise people are going to ask what the hell's going on.

1004. What the hell's going on?

1005. Steve, I got this. Got what?

1006. Sam, he's not good enough for you.

1007. What? What?

1008. We've been through some crazy shit tonight

1009. and it's really put things in perspective for me,

1010. and if everything is as fucked up as it seems, then there's something I need to tell you.

1011. You might think this is because I've had seven pints, but it's not.

1012. It's not.

1013. I'm in love with you, Sam.

1014. I always have been,

1015. and it breaks my heart to see you waste your affections on Gary fucking King.

1016. Hey, that's a bit harsh. Oh, no, you've got it all wrong.

1017. There's nothing between... And while I'm being honest,

1018. just to lay it all out there, lam currently seeing a fitness instructor.

1019. She's 26 years old,

1020. but I would drop her in a heartbeat if it meant

1021. that I had one last chance with you.

1022. Steven, there's nothing between me and Gary King.

1023. Oh, fuck.

1024. Sorry.

1025. Hey! Get your feet off her!

1026. Pop its head off! Pop its head off like an aspirin bottle.

1027. Blue-bloods?

1028. Nothing suggested in the last three minutes

1029. has been better than Smashy-Smashy Egg Men.

1030. Nothing. What the hell's going on?

1031. Did you guys think of a name for the robots who aren't robots?

1032. I'm afraid we've drawn a blank.

1033. Well, we just had a barney with two blanks in the beer garden.

1034. We have to leave now! Agreed.

1035. Let's hit The Mermaid.

1036. Wait, what? Number eight.

1037. "Number eight"?

1038. Oh, fuck. Andy, what's happening?

1039. Gary thinks we should keep on with the crawl because they know what we're doing,

1040. but they don't know that we know what they're doing.

1041. And basically no one else has a better idea, so fuck it.

1042. What?

1043. Wait!

1044. Guys! Guys! I've got a better idea.

1045. I'm parked right round here somewhere.

1046. Haul it. Just go! Steven, tell them!

1047. Gary said they'll get us if we try and leave now.

1048. We're way past leaving now. Come on.

1049. Oh, yeah.

1050. This is what the kids want.

1051. This is a bit mad, isn't it?

1052. This is perfect. We can hide out in here. I'll get the drinks in.

1053. Good plan, O-Man. Hey!

1054. Keep an eye out for blanks.

1055. You've got it.

1056. Why didn't you say anything? About what?

1057. About what you said in the garden.

1058. I always wanted to.

1059. It just never seemed like the right moment.

1060. Something always got in the way.

1061. Here you go, get these down you.

1062. Thanks.

1063. Steven?

1064. Please! I have so much to live for!

1065. It's me, you numpty. Basil!

1066. I knew seeing your faces again would spell trouble.

1067. Wait. How do I know it's really you?

1068. Because I'm the only one who's going to tell you the truth about Newton Haven.

1069. Now, do you recall the events of the evening of June the 22nd, 1990?

1070. No, but I know a man who does.

1071. Here you go. Hey.

1072. See anyone we know?

1073. The Marmalade Sandwich. The Marmalade Sandwich.

1074. They look good.

1075. It's the lights. It's the drink.

1076. Who cares what it is?

1077. Steven?

1078. Steven?

1079. That was the night they arrived.

1080. Remember the shooting star? That was them.

1081. Nothing happened at first.

1082. They were getting ready, burrowing in underground, preparing.

1083. Not long after you lot left, people started to change.

1084. Just one or two at first, then more.

1085. They replaced people of influence, taking over the institutions,

1086. remaking, remodeling, refurbishing.

1087. Doing everything they could to make us join them.

1088. I can't find Steven. Where are the others?

1089. They're blending in.

1090. Oh, crumbs.

1091. It's not like the replacements were evil, far from it.

1092. People got a lot friendlier. That's how they do it.

1093. It's not an invasion, it's a merger.

1094. They don't want to get rid of us, not if they can help it.

1095. They just want to make us more like them.

1096. Change the way we think.

1097. Bring us into line with all the others.

1098. Become another link in their chain.

1099. Which is fine, unless you say no.

1100. That's when you get replaced.

1101. Once they get your DNA, they've got you.

1102. How do they do that?

1103. Any way they like.

1104. Blood tests, the nit nurse, sweat, kissing, saliva on the rim of a glass.

1105. Why do you think I drink with this crazy straw?

1106. Not so crazy now, is it?

1107. If you're not on their side, they'll create a version that is.

1108. They can bring you back exactly the same or even make you young again.

1109. It looks like you, it even has your memories,

1110. but really it's just a vessel to spread their message.

1111. Trust, love, respect, desire.

1112. Replaced in the name of progress.

1113. So, what happens to the people who get replaced?

1114. The empties? Don't ask me what happens to them.

1115. Why, what happens to the empties?

1116. I told you not to ask me that!

1117. Go! Get out, before it's too late!

1118. Basil? I said go!

1119. This just can't be good.

1120. Sam, who was the boy that you liked in sixth form? Adrian?

1121. Adrian Keane. Why?

1122. He's over there.

1123. Hey, Sam. How's life?

1124. Sam, we have to get out of here! We have to get out of here!

1125. Where are the others? They're blending in.

1126. Oh, fuck!

1127. Gary! No, just one more song.

1128. Gary, she's a blank!

1129. Don't be so judgmental.

1130. Oh, for fuck...

1131. Oh, yeah. Come on.

1132. Still got it. Enough's enough.

1133. Let's go.

1134. Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold up. Hold up.

1135. Where are you all going?

1136. We're leaving. Really? What happened?

1137. Adrian Keane was in that bar. Prick.

1138. I thought you liked Adrian Keane.

1139. Adrian Keane is dead. Oh, God.

1140. Adrian Keane died in a motorbike accident in Italy eight years ago.

1141. Did he? They must have had his DNA on file.

1142. That's how they were able to replicate him.

1143. They know how to get to us, man. They know everything.

1144. They didn't know Adrian was dead. They knew enough to tempt us.

1145. They knew these three would fall for a bunch of girls in school uniform.

1146. Hey, who wouldn't? Am I right? Fuck, yeah.

1147. We've gotta get out of town,

1148. we've gotta get beyond it before it's too late.

1149. Where are you getting all this from? Basil.

1150. Mad Basil? He of the Bermuda Rhombus and the Aqua Nazis?

1151. Another good name for the band, Steve.

1152. You're putting our lives in the hands of a crazy old man?

1153. He's not crazy! No, maybe he's not.

1154. Or maybe he's a blank trying to lure us to the edge of town,

1155. onto those dark country roads where they can deal with us.

1156. Yeah, we could end up dead in a field. I hate fields.

1157. Yes. My thoughts precisely.

1158. Steven's right. We should go.

1159. No, we're going to The Beehive.

1160. Gary's plan is still the best we have.

1161. Wait a minute.

1162. The 1990-model Oliver was out of commission by this point in the evening.

1163. What are you saying?

1164. I like the new you. Huh.

1165. Come on.

1166. This is a mistake, isn't it?

1167. Hold up! Just stick with me.

1168. Andy, come on!

1169. Here we go. Pub number nine.

1170. FUCK yes!

1171. That's the spirit, Pete! Spirits! We should do chasers.

1172. Who is this guy?

1173. Come on. Andy! It can't start without you.

1174. You what?

1175. We can't start without you.

1176. Now then. Whose round is it?

1177. It's mine.

1178. Mr. Shepherd! Is it Mr. Shepherd?

1179. Why don't you kids join me? You look like you could do with a drink.

1180. Now, let's have a little chat about your future, shall we, hmm?

1181. Uh, Mr. Shepherd? Please, call me Guy.

1182. All right.

1183. Guy...

1184. Look at you.

1185. Are you a robot?

1186. Does anyone know what robot means?

1187. Yeah. I do! Yes, Gary.

1188. It means "slave."

1189. Oh, very good, Gary.

1190. Are you a robot, sir?

1191. No, Peter, of course I'm not a robot.

1192. Sir? Yes, Steven.

1193. But you're on their side, though?

1194. This is not about sides, Steven.

1195. It's not about shirts versus skins.

1196. It's about working together as one team.

1197. I know it may seem a bit weird and a little bit scary,

1198. but please believe me, it's quite the opposite.

1199. They're here to help.

1200. To straighten us out. To prepare us for the big league.

1201. They've seen something in us, a potential.

1202. There's a vast community of worlds up there,

1203. living together, peacefully, cooperatively.

1204. And guess what? They want us along for the ride.

1205. Pretty cool, eh, gang?

1206. So, they're not here to harm us?

1207. Far from it, O-Man. No, they're here to help.

1208. I'm not saying they're afraid to get tough.

1209. I certainly had to get tough with you in my day.

1210. And what one amongst you wouldn't thank me for it? Hmm?

1211. In some respects, they're a lot like teachers.

1212. Stern, yes. A little frightening.

1213. But it's all for our betterment.

1214. So, what do you say we all go somewhere and talk about this properly?

1215. That wasn't properly?

1216. Well, I think it's pretty clear, guys, what Mr. Shepherd is trying to say is that...

1217. Andy! What the fuck?

1218. Yes, Andy. What the fuck?

1219. WTF?

1220. Humans, you leave us no recourse.

1221. If you will not join us willingly,

1222. we will be forced to use other means of persuasion.

1223. Now, please...

1224. I fucking hate this town!

1225. Oh, oh!

1226. Oh, crumbs, you're heavy. Sorry.

1227. Motherfucker!

1228. Andy!

1229. Twist the melon, man!

1230. Yeah!

1231. Sam, this is no way for a family to behave.

1232. Sam, I'm disappointed in you.

1233. O-Man!

1234. Okay, Andy.

1235. Break it up.

1236. It doesn't have to be like this.

1237. It could be so much simpler, so completely painless.

1238. If only you'd see the light.

1239. Yes.

1240. See, it's not about conflict,

1241. it's about togetherness.

1242. Yes. Let's try this again, shall we?

1243. How about another round?

1244. Nah, we're done here.

1245. Yes, Gary, that appears to be the case.

1246. The Smokehouse!

1247. What? Just do it!

1248. Come on!

1249. This way!

1250. Humans, this is your final warning.

1251. Failure to comply will result in your...

1252. Humans, obey now, or face the consequences.

1253. Let's go!

1254. Shit.

1255. Oh, look, there's my car!

1256. Let's climb down the drainpipe.

1257. I've got a better idea.

1258. Climb down the drainpipe.

1259. Okay, just go-

1260. Wait. What about the others?

1261. Leave 'em with me, okay? I got this.

1262. Are you sure? Yeah, I always land on my feet.

1263. I don't know if that's true, Gary.

1264. Just go.

1265. Will you find out what happened to my brother?

1266. Yeah, of course, of course, and I'll look after Stevie for you, eh?

1267. He's a good guy. He's better than me.

1268. Gary, you're not a bad person, but you're not boyfriend material.

1269. The whole "free spirit quick one in the disabled toilets" thing

1270. is kinda cool when you're 17, but not when you're facing 40.

1271. There comes a time when you have to go forwards and not backwards.

1272. Maybe if I hadn't left you behind that night, things would all be different.

1273. It's not all about that night, Gary.

1274. Isn't it?

1275. It doesn't have to be.

1276. We'll always have the disableds, though, won't we?

1277. Yeah. Yeah, we'll always have the disableds.

1278. Oh, no.

1279. Where's Sam?

1280. I put her in her car.

1281. You did what?

1282. I put her in her car. I just told her to leave.

1283. You just sent away the only one of us sober enough to drive?

1284. Yeah. You just couldn't stand the fact

1285. that she might prefer me to you.

1286. That's not true. It is true, Gary!

1287. I was getting somewhere. We held hands.

1288. I was just trying to help! You were trying to help yourself, more like!

1289. Jesus, I do something right for a change and you fuckers get on my case.

1290. Wow, that's the first time I've ever heard you admit being wrong.

1291. I said I did something right!

1292. Yeah, "for a change".

1293. So? Meaning the rest of the time you're wrong.

1294. Not necessarily.

1295. Look, I just thought it was best to keep her out of harm's way.

1296. And what about us, Gary? Aren't we in harm's way?

1297. We're all right, Pete. Come on, we're The Five Musketeers.

1298. No, we're the Four Musketeers.

1299. Wait, how do we know you put her in the car?

1300. How do we know you're you?

1301. Of course I'm me!

1302. Well, who the fuck are you, Gary? I'm Gary King.

1303. There's only one Gary King. How do I know you guys are you?

1304. We've been together the whole time.

1305. You might all not be you. How did you know O-Man wasn't O-Man?

1306. Because his birthmark was back.

1307. What does that prove? Because of what Basil said.

1308. They make a copy from your DNA.

1309. That's why he had his birthmark.

1310. He was new, like a baby.

1311. Like a man-baby. Like a "maybe".

1312. Oliver with none of the shit that had happened to the real Oliver.

1313. The laser surgery!

1314. So the blanks really are just blank?

1315. No wear and tear, no scars.

1316. Steven, in 1987 we were playing cricket and I accidentally pushed you

1317. onto a broken bottle that nearly went up your ass.

1318. So? Show us your bum.

1319. Very nice. Thank you.

1320. Pete, you got that 50cc Suzuki in 1988,

1321. and you let me have a go on it and I ran over your leg.

1322. What the fuck?

1323. Oh, wait, it's the other one.

1324. Andy, in 1986 we re-enacted the Knife Game from Aliens

1325. and I stabbed you in the middle finger.

1326. How about December 1997, when you OD'd

1327. and I drove you to the hospital four times over the limit

1328. and I ended up rolling the car and almost severing my femoral artery,

1329. at which point you made a miraculous fucking recovery

1330. and ran off into the night, leaving me to get arrested

1331. after 12 hours of life-saving surgery?

1332. Either one of those will do.

1333. Thank you. What about you?

1334. That's easy.

1335. That could have been drawn on. Aren't all tattoos drawn on?

1336. Yeah. Show us your arm.

1337. What? Show us your arm.

1338. No, no.

1339. You fell off stage at the fifth-year ball fucking around and dislocated your elbow.

1340. You've got a scar where they put the metal plate in.

1341. I don't have to show you anything, all right?

1342. I'm Gary King. I know I'm me.

1343. If I'm not me, then how do I know that carved into that beam above your head

1344. are the words "King Gary"?

1345. But it doesn't say "King Gary".

1346. Yes, it does. Doesn't it?

1347. No. It says "King Gay".

1348. Some cunt scrubbed out the "R"!

1349. That was me. Why?

1350. "King Gay". That means fuck-all anyway.

1351. Mr. Shepherd remembered stuff, so did Oliver.

1352. Selective memory, remember?

1353. We don't see you for years and you just pitch up and bring us here.

1354. You better come out with some hard evidence that you're human,

1355. otherwise we're going to find out for ourselves.

1356. You want evidence?

1357. There!

1358. That proves I'm human!

1359. It proves you're stupid.

1360. Exactly!

1361. Ow!

1362. It's Gary. It's Gary.

1363. The whole town's out looking for us.

1364. That's a good thing. If everybody's outside, that means nobody's inside.

1365. Gary, wait! Fuck!

1366. Gary, Gary! What do you mean "nobody's inside"?

1367. I mean we can still do this!

1368. Do what exactly?

1369. Oh, we're still on the crawl.

1370. "King Gay".

1371. Peter?

1372. Peter.

1373. I thought that was you. Are you okay?

1374. Am I what?

1375. I know we didn't see eye to eye at school.

1376. Goodness knows I regret that.

1377. I wanted to say something back at the pub,

1378. but I felt so terribly ashamed by what I'd done.

1379. Let me make it up to you, Peter. Please.

1380. Gary, you're out of your mind! We've come too far.

1381. It's fucking suicide.

1382. I know. We are going to get to The World's End if it kills us.

1383. Where's Pete?

1384. I hate you!

1385. You fucking bastard! I hate you!

1386. Pete! Leave it! Why are you doing this, Peter?

1387. We don't want to hurt you.

1388. Come on, mate! It's not worth it!

1389. Yes, it fucking is!

1390. What's he doing?

1391. Oh, shit.

1392. Peter...

1393. Peter...

1394. I must say, I'm very disappointed in you, Peter.

1395. I'll punch their fucking lights out.

1396. Andy! No, no, no, there's too many of them.

1397. Pete.

1398. Peter.

1399. We gotta go. Gary's right.

1400. We gotta get to The King's Head. Exactly.

1401. What?

1402. We are not going to The King's Head. We're done.

1403. We're going to do what we should have done in the first place.

1404. Get The Beast and get out of here.

1405. We are fucking leaving and we are never coming back.

1406. Now, you can either come with us willingly

1407. or I'm gonna knock you the fuck out and carry you there myself.

1408. You choose. All right. All right.

1409. Just think about what you're saying, you know, because you have been drinking.

1410. You fuck.

1411. Shit, it's those fucking kids.

1412. Not them again.

1413. What the hell is that?

1414. I don't know, but it's definitely not modern art.

1415. Oh, shit, we're trapped. Where's The Beast?

1416. Okay, all right. We're here, so The Beast is in the next street.

1417. How are we gonna get to it?

1418. We'll have to go through. Through where?

1419. I don't fucking believe this.

1420. Number 10.

1421. Come on.

1422. Let's go.

1423. The back door, back door. Let's go.

1424. Here we go.

1425. Okay, there it is.

1426. Shit.

1427. We wait for an opening, and then we leg it to The Beast.

1428. We need the keys.

1429. Gary?

1430. Gary, what are you doing?

1431. Just a little toast.

1432. Gary, put the pint down, yeah?

1433. To Oliver, Pete.

1434. And to us.

1435. You know, 'cause 10 pubs isn't bad.

1436. It's not, but we're calling time.

1437. Okay.

1438. So close.

1439. Number 10.

1440. Okay.

1441. So close.

1442. No,no,no, no, no. Gary!

1443. Gary! Gary!

1444. Let him go. He left you, man.

1445. I can't.

1446. Andy!

1447. Gary! Gary!

1448. Gary, come back! Come back, you stupid bastard!

1449. Gary!

1450. Gary! Gary!

1451. Andy, look out!

1452. Come on!

1453. What the...

1454. Get in. Get in.

1455. Gary, Andy, get the fuck in!

1456. You heard him, Andy. Get the fuck in.

1457. We haven't much time!

1458. Andy! Go, now! Steven!

1459. Go!

1460. Andy.

1461. I want you inside me.

1462. Okay.

1463. Cheers.

1464. Ah!

1465. You've had enough! This is The World's End, man!

1466. I know!

1467. Stop this!

1468. Leave me alone! What do you care anyway?

1469. Of course I fucking care. There's a reason I'm angry at you!

1470. I know why you're angry at me, okay?

1471. But it's not my fault that you crashed that car.

1472. That's not the point. You let me down, man.

1473. You were Gary King. Gary fucking King.

1474. I would have followed you to the end. I fucking have!

1475. Then stop following me!

1476. No! It's just one more.

1477. Let me have this.

1478. You've got everything you want.

1479. What are you talking about?

1480. You've got your perfect job and your perfect house and your perfect wife.

1481. You think it's so perfect?

1482. She left me, Gary.

1483. She took the kids to her mum's three weeks ago.

1484. Said I'm not present enough. I'm trying to win her back.

1485. And God knows I am losing.

1486. But I will continue to fight, because that is how we survive.

1487. For fuck's sake, Gary, I just punched my wedding ring out of a robot's tummy.

1488. Exactly! You fight for what's important.

1489. But what is so important about The Golden Mile?

1490. It's all I've got!

1491. Gary.

1492. You need help, Gary.

1493. I got help. You know what help was?

1494. Help was a lot of people sitting in a circle

1495. talking about how fucking awful things had got.

1496. That is not my idea of a good time.

1497. And this is? They told me when to go to bed.

1498. Me!

1499. Gary, mate, how can you tell when you're drunk if you're never sober?

1500. I don't wanna be sober.

1501. It never got better than that night.

1502. That was supposed to be the beginning of my life.

1503. All that promise and fucking optimism.

1504. That feeling like we could take on the whole universe.

1505. It was a big lie.

1506. Nothing happened.

1507. You don't need to do this, Gary.

1508. Yeah, I do.

1509. Please, stand by.

1510. Please, stand by.

1511. Please, stand by.

1512. Please, stand by.

1513. Ah!

1514. What are you doing?

1515. No, don't go out there.

1516. Gary King.

1517. Yeah?

1518. Gary King of the humans.

1519. Yeah. What do you want?

1520. We are here to enable your full potential,

1521. as we have with countless worlds across the galaxy.

1522. Oh, yeah? How'd you manage that, then?

1523. We appropriate a small percentage of the population

1524. at 2,000 or so penetration points across the planet.

1525. This ensures maximum coverage.

1526. From there, we create simulants to spread our ideologies

1527. through peaceful indoctrination.

1528. Our objective is simple, to ready the population

1529. for participation in our galactic community.

1530. This method requires a small sacrifice.

1531. But the fewer replacements we make,

1532. the more successful we consider our operation.

1533. Of course, we welcome those who volunteer themselves.

1534. We can offer attractive incentives for those who willingly combine.

1535. The chance to be young again and yet retain selected memories.

1536. Isn't that something you'd like?

1537. Something you've always wanted?

1538. Oh, my God! I'm so cute!

1539. The beauty of our system is that we all win.

1540. There are no losers.

1541. Allow me to carry your legend forward.

1542. Let the man you have become be the boy you were.

1543. Nah.

1544. There's only one Gary King.

1545. Then you have made your choice, Gary King of the humans.

1546. Yeah, I have.

1547. Because frankly, who the fuck are you to come down here and tell us what to do?

1548. We are The Network and we are here for your betterment.

1549. In the last 23 years,

1550. have you not marveled as information technology has surged forward?

1551. No.

1552. Earth has grown smaller yet greater as connectivity has grown.

1553. This is our doing and it is just the beginning.

1554. Oh, fuck off, you big lamp.

1555. You are children and you require guidance.

1556. There is no room for imperfection.

1557. Hey, Earth isn't perfect, all right? And humans aren't perfect.

1558. And guess what? I ain't perfect.

1559. And therein lies the necessity for this intervention.

1560. Must the galaxy be subjected to an entire planet of people like you?

1561. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

1562. Who put you in charge, huh?

1563. Who are you to criticize anyone?

1564. Now, you might think Gary's a bit of a cock,

1565. and he is a bit of a cock, but he's my cock.

1566. Oh, thanks, man.

1567. But he is a detriment to himself, just as Earth is a detriment to the galaxy.

1568. What did you say?

1569. You act out the same cycles of self-destruction again and again.

1570. At this point your planet is the least civilized in the entire galaxy.

1571. What did he say? He's saying we're a bunch of fuck-ups.

1572. Hey, it's our basic human right to be fuck-ups.

1573. This civilization was founded on fuck-ups. And you know what?

1574. That makes me proud. And me!

1575. What is it they say? "To err is..."

1576. "To err is human."

1577. "To err is human," so, uh...

1578. We do not believe you speak for all humanity.

1579. You are but two men. Two drunk men.

1580. Three drunk men!

1581. Stevie-baby!

1582. Enough! Enough, humans!

1583. Oh, you are in trouble now. It's only the fucking Three Musketeers.

1584. You are revolting against the wisdom of countless solar systems.

1585. Yeah, we are revolting!

1586. You just said you're not here to conquer. Can I just ask,

1587. how many people did you have to replace in Newton Haven?

1588. That is irrelevant. Is it?

1589. Hands up. Who here is human?

1590. I'm human. One!

1591. And me. That's two.

1592. I am. But don't know for how long.

1593. Basil! Shh...

1594. So what's that? Three? You had to replace an entire town?

1595. Not the entire town.

1596. Everybody apart from old Nutbowl and the Shifty twins.

1597. That's a good name for a band, Gary. You should write that down.

1598. I will. What about the ones you replaced,

1599. like Peter and Oliver?

1600. Yeah, what happened to the empties?

1601. I told you not to ask that!

1602. Redundant vessels are recycled, mulched and converted into fertilizer,

1603. whereupon they are returned to the earth to promote verdancy and growth.

1604. It is a highly efficient means of organic renewal.

1605. Mulched?

1606. It is a relative few in light of our long-term plan.

1607. You mean a few hundred thousand turned to fucking compost?

1608. What about the other places? The penetration points.

1609. Are they as successful as Newton Haven?

1610. Because I'm guessing we're not the only glitch in your system.

1611. It is true, The Network has been experiencing some difficulties.

1612. I think you bit off more than you can chew with Earth, mate.

1613. Yeah, 'cause we are more belligerent, more stubborn

1614. and more idiotic than you can possibly imagine,

1615. and I am not just talking about Gary.

1616. Yeah, there's more than one Gary King.

1617. But you said... I fucking know what I fucking said!

1618. Your reliance on profanity is a measure of your immaturity as a man and a species.

1619. Why don't you just get in your rocket and fuck off back to Legoland, you cunts!

1620. Yeah! Stop fucking Starbucking us, man! Yeah!

1621. It is our duty to challenge you.

1622. Just leave us to our own devices, you intergalactic arseholes.

1623. You misunderstand. Shut up!

1624. We are trying... Nobody's listening!

1625. If you'd only...

1626. Face it, we are the human race and we don't like being told what to do.

1627. Just what is it that you want to do?

1628. We want to be free! Yeah.

1629. We want to be free to do what we want to do!

1630. Yeah.

1631. We want to get loaded. Yeah.

1632. And we want to have a good time.

1633. And that's what we're going to do.

1634. It is pointless arguing with you.

1635. You will be left to your own devices.

1636. Really?

1637. Yeah.

1638. Fuck it.

1639. They fucked off.

1640. Yeah, yeah, yeah! Up yours! Up yours! Up yours!

1641. Yeah, we did it! We won, we won!

1642. Gary, let's Boo-Boo.

1643. Yeah, it's shit here, innit?

1644. Oi, up here!

1645. Go!

1646. Get up.

1647. Come on!

1648. Well done.

1649. Thanks a bunch. Had to go and spoil it, didn't you?

1650. Yeah, happy now?

1651. Basil, what do we do now?

1652. Same as before.

1653. Go!

1654. Where's The Beast?

1655. The Beast is dead, mate.

1656. You know what... You know what's really annoying?

1657. What?

1658. I promised myself I wouldn't die in this town.

1659. You're not gonna.

1660. I think our luck just changed.

1661. Whoo-hoo!

1662. Oh!

1663. Sorry!

1664. Sam? Yes.

1665. You came back for us!

1666. Yes, I did. Well, I got lost on the ring road. But, yes.

1667. Hi, Sam, could you give us a lift to London, please?

1668. Did you find out what happened to my brother?

1669. We'll tell you on the way.

1670. Sorry about the mess. I've been meaning to clear that up.

1671. We forgive you. Let's go. Which way?

1672. Backwards!

1673. Which way now?

1674. Go straight over!

1675. We can make it.

1676. We're gonna make it.

1677. We made it!

1678. I'm sorry.

1679. I know.

1680. I know.

1681. Everyone remembers where they were

1682. when the lights went out on Planet Earth.

1683. Me, Gary, Steven and Sam, we were standing right by the switch.

1684. I guess it was a big night for everyone.

1685. That morning gave a whole new meaning to the word "hangover"

1686. We decided to walk it off, all the way back to London,

1687. but the headache didn't end there. It just went on and on.

1688. Talk about the Big Smoke.

1689. When The Network went down, it triggered some kind of pulse,

1690. wiped out all our technology

1691. and sent us here,

1692. back to the Dark Ages.

1693. There were casualties, of course. I knew a few of them.

1694. Some guy from work, my cousin Paul, Gary's mum.

1695. Nobody really knew how many we lost,

1696. because we never heard from the rest of the world again.

1697. Everyone got cut off.

1698. It isn't easy now, but it is simpler.

1699. I'm back with the wife, which is something.

1700. We decided our problems didn't seem as bad in the grand scheme of things.

1701. We all had to go organic in a big way, but if I'm honest,

1702. I'm hard pressed to recall any processed foods I actually miss.

1703. As for the blanks, well, a funny thing happened there.

1704. They woke up.

1705. A week or so after The Network pulled out, they just sort of rebooted by themselves,

1706. tried to start afresh.

1707. They seemed lost at first, children cut off from their parents,

1708. abandoned, forgotten, looking for guidance, for someone to show them the way.

1709. I felt a bit sorry for them, to be honest.

1710. The Network was right about one thing.

1711. We can be a bit uncivilized.

1712. Maybe we would've been a bad influence on the rest of the galaxy.

1713. Oliver went back to being an estate agent.

1714. People still need a roof over their heads,

1715. and the old Ollie always had a gift for the gab.

1716. I guess the new one has, too.

1717. He's doing all right.

1718. I hear that the Peter found his way home to Bishop's Gardens.

1719. I suppose he picked up where the other one left off.

1720. I'm not sure his wife noticed.

1721. Maybe she chose not to. He's a pretty good dad by all accounts.

1722. Steven and Sam got together in the end.

1723. Didn't see that coming.

1724. They shacked up just outside London.

1725. It's a pretty nice shack, too.

1726. As for Gary? I don't know what happened to Gary.

1727. We got separated and I never saw him again.

1728. Some say he went back to Newton Haven. I don't know why.

1729. I think his business there was done.

1730. It's funny, but I miss him.

1731. I wonder if he misses me. Misses the boys.

1732. Wherever he is, I hope he's happy.

1733. That's all he ever wanted, really.

1734. To have a good time.

1735. I just hope he found it beyond the bottom of a glass.

1736. Because real happiness, real friends, those are things worth living for,

1737. worth fighting for.

1738. Blank bastards.

1739. Fucking robots.

1740. Five waters, please.

1741. You can have one.

1742. But I ain't serving this scum.

1743. Well, I'm afraid it's all for one and one for all.

1744. You see, my young friends and I are on an adventure.

1745. A quest, if you will. And since we find ourselves in need of refreshment,

1746. you, sir, have the honor of drawing first blood.

1747. So, I'll ask you again,

1748. for the last time,

1749. five waters, please.

1750. Who the hell do you think you are?

1751. Me? They call me The King.