1. That was refreshing.Copy !req
2. I'm refreshed.Copy !req
3. I'm refreshing.Copy !req
4. Welcome back. I'm Bryant gumbel.Copy !req
5. - And I'm Anne Howard.
- Good stuff today.Copy !req
6. - Anne: We're going to be busy.
- We've got pop superstar Elton John.Copy !req
7. He's going to be with us.Copy !req
8. And so, too,
will best-selling author al franken.Copy !req
9. Along with some
super-smart fourth gradersCopy !req
10. with a great idea
for getting schoolbooksCopy !req
11. to kids who really need them.Copy !req
12. But here's an idea
whose time has come.Copy !req
13. Why don't we just start with...Copy !req
14. And fill the tart shell.Copy !req
15. Bryant, you put some ice cream
on our angel food cake...Copy !req
16. - How much do you want?
- As much as you like.Copy !req
17. What are you laughing about?
This is baked Alaska.Copy !req
18. - Bryant: This is supposed to be low-fat.
- It is!Copy !req
19. Did they call?Copy !req
20. Someone from the show.
The gumbel show. They didn't call?Copy !req
21. Are you sure?Copy !req
22. - Once again, we're out of time.
- Thank you. Already?Copy !req
23. We still got lots more ahead
this morning.Copy !req
24. We're going to be back...Copy !req
25. - What's up, dude?
- Man: Next person in line.Copy !req
26. What's up?Copy !req
27. - Hey, can I get your autograph?
- Next in line.Copy !req
28. Um, I'm not who you think I am, so...Copy !req
29. You're not the weather guy?Copy !req
30. Dan spritz?Copy !req
31. Dave spritz.Copy !req
32. I'm not Dave spritz, no.
But I hear that a lot.Copy !req
33. You don't have to be a dick.Copy !req
34. Look, can you just...
All right, I'm just waiting in line.Copy !req
35. Bro, I can read
your vehicle registration form.Copy !req
36. So, whatever.Copy !req
37. Can you...Copy !req
38. All right, can you give me a break?
I just wanted to wait in line.Copy !req
39. You're on TV, bro.Copy !req
40. You're on TV.Copy !req
41. - You're on TV, bro.
- So what? You keep saying that.Copy !req
42. So you're on TV, bro.Copy !req
43. Go work in a bank or somethingCopy !req
44. if you don't wanna be cool to people.Copy !req
45. Whatever. Just...
Can you get out of my face?Copy !req
46. Can you get out of my face?Copy !req
47. - Asshole.
- You want to say that to my face?Copy !req
48. I thought you wanted me
to get out of your face.Copy !req
49. People recognize me sometimes.Copy !req
50. Some are dicks.Copy !req
51. This is the same system that created
those strong snowfalls in Minnesota.Copy !req
52. It's meant some
slightly warmer weather...Copy !req
53. I should cool out a little, I guess.Copy !req
54. I mean, I'm not just this
two-dimensional guy they recognize.Copy !req
55. I do have a relationship to them.Copy !req
56. I let them know
what they have to deal with.Copy !req
57. But listen, these warmer temperatures
are not going to last.Copy !req
58. This wind system will keep pushing
colder air across the midwest...Copy !req
59. I guess that's why
they think they know me.Copy !req
60. But they don't, really.Copy !req
61. Our spritz nipper of the week
with a high of just 24.Copy !req
62. I'm not a hill of beans.Copy !req
63. I have a plan.Copy !req
64. Okay, see you then.Copy !req
65. - What's this afternoon?
- You're picking up Shelly.Copy !req
66. - Where?
- Chicago dance.Copy !req
67. Then you're taking your dad
to Northwestern.Copy !req
68. - At 3:00?
- Mmm-hmm.Copy !req
69. Oh, do you have
that hello america stuff?Copy !req
70. - The letter?
- Yeah.Copy !req
71. You have Mike, too.
5:30 at the Norris house.Copy !req
72. Okay.Copy !req
73. Do they have my cell phone?Copy !req
74. Well, they should have
all the numbers in case.Copy !req
75. And am I supposed to call
that guy dersen?Copy !req
76. Didn't he want me to call to touch base?Copy !req
77. Okay.Copy !req
78. - Dad, can we stop here?
- What for?Copy !req
79. I need a notebook for school.Copy !req
80. I'll just walk home.Copy !req
81. Okay.Copy !req
82. - Can I have some money?
- You don't have any?Copy !req
83. You're 12 years old.Copy !req
84. You shouldn't be walking around
without money, okay, Shelly?Copy !req
85. You're not a kid.Copy !req
86. - How's your mom doing?
- She's good.Copy !req
87. Can I have a pack of lights?Copy !req
88. - Regulars?
- The 1005.Copy !req
89. Strikes?Copy !req
90. How's Shelly?Copy !req
91. She's doing great.Copy !req
92. - Little angel.
- Yeah.Copy !req
93. She's doing great.Copy !req
94. - Who's an angel?
- Shelly.Copy !req
95. Shelly is grossly overweight
and unhappy.Copy !req
96. I'm concerned about her,
as I am Michael.Copy !req
97. - David.
- Yeah, dad.Copy !req
98. Robert spritzel?Copy !req
99. Would you get me a paperCopy !req
100. - for the way back, son?
- Yeah.Copy !req
101. Fifteen minutes?Copy !req
102. Yes. I'll see you then.Copy !req
103. Fuck.Copy !req
104. - Hey.
- Hey.Copy !req
105. - It's getting cold.
- Yeah.Copy !req
106. - What's the nipper this week?
- Thursday.Copy !req
107. Thursday's the nipper? All right.Copy !req
108. Here.Copy !req
109. Yeah, can I get some change?Copy !req
110. Not really.Copy !req
111. Can I just get some quarters?
I just need a quarter for a paper.Copy !req
112. Not really.Copy !req
113. All right. I'll get something then.Copy !req
114. All right.Copy !req
115. Small coffee.Copy !req
116. It's 80 cents.Copy !req
117. No, it says $0.72.Copy !req
118. After the whole everything, it's $0.80.Copy !req
119. - Hey.Copy !req
120. Where's the paper, David?Copy !req
121. I didn't have enough money.Copy !req
122. You bought a coffee.Copy !req
123. - What?
- You bought a coffee.Copy !req
124. Yeah, that, and then I didn't have
enough money after.Copy !req
125. What?Copy !req
126. I didn't have enough money
after I bought the coffee, so...Copy !req
127. You should carry more than $1, David.Copy !req
128. You're a grown man.Copy !req
129. Let me just move this letter
from hello america.Copy !req
130. My father is Robert king spritzel.Copy !req
131. He won the national book award
when he was 28.Copy !req
132. And the pulitzer when he was 33.Copy !req
133. President Carter called him
a national treasure.Copy !req
134. They played racquetball
in a regular game.Copy !req
135. He was a great writer.Copy !req
136. But what was the cost?Copy !req
137. Did he neglect his family?Copy !req
138. No, he didn't.Copy !req
139. He was a fine father.Copy !req
140. More than that, really.Copy !req
141. It's fruitless for Shelly to be dancing.Copy !req
142. She should find another interest
that would be more rewarding to herCopy !req
143. that she can take more from, David.Copy !req
144. - We've talked about that.
- Well, you should do something, son.Copy !req
145. We've tried a couple things.
We'll keep trying, so...Copy !req
146. How's Michael?Copy !req
147. I think that was an overreaction
on Noreen's part.Copy !req
148. I don't think he has a problem with pot.Copy !req
149. Let's hope.Copy !req
150. How's the weather business?Copy !req
151. Last September,Copy !req
152. I had encouraged Shelly to explore
some other activities and interests.Copy !req
153. She picked archery.Copy !req
154. So I took her to an archery range
in bolingbrook.Copy !req
155. It was a 90—minute drive.Copy !req
156. We purchased a junior bow-arrow kitCopy !req
157. and a leather wrist/forearm guard.Copy !req
158. Okay, we'll take that.Copy !req
159. And private lessons.Copy !req
160. All right, Shelly.Copy !req
161. You take that one,Copy !req
162. and go right ahead.Copy !req
163. OwlCopy !req
164. all right. Okay, just remember,Copy !req
165. pull it straight back,
parallel to your ear, okay?Copy !req
166. You can do it, Shelly.Copy !req
167. OwlCopy !req
168. We purchased
a five-pack lesson plan.Copy !req
169. We haven't been back.Copy !req
170. Hello?Copy !req
171. - Noreen: Hey.
- Hey.Copy !req
172. Can you pick up Mike
at the mall on north?Copy !req
173. I thought he was at a friend's house.
Paul Norris.Copy !req
174. They went to the mall.
He just called me.Copy !req
175. - He finished his rehab.
- Okay.Copy !req
176. - That's one of my counselors.
- In your program?Copy !req
177. Don boden. He's pretty nice.Copy !req
178. - He swears all the time, though.
- Swears?Copy !req
179. Yeah. To relate, I guess.
But he's pretty nice.Copy !req
180. Hey.Copy !req
181. Hey, Don.Copy !req
182. - What are you guys doing?
- Looking for clothes.Copy !req
183. You're just looking for clothes.Copy !req
184. - Yeah.
- That's great.Copy !req
185. I'm looking for clothes.Copy !req
186. Okay.Copy !req
187. - This is Paul.
- What's up?Copy !req
188. Hey.Copy !req
189. It's cold today.Copy !req
190. - Yeah.
- Paul: Yeah, no kidding.Copy !req
191. What is it, like, 20 or something?Copy !req
192. Yeah, like 22.Copy !req
193. Yeah. Fuck.Copy !req
194. Yeah.Copy !req
195. Hey.Copy !req
196. - Yeah, I like this.
- It's good-looking.Copy !req
197. Yeah, I've been looking
for something like this.Copy !req
198. Chuck it in here.Copy !req
199. - What?
- Chuck it in.Copy !req
200. I'm loading up. I got a discount card.
I'll get it for you.Copy !req
201. - That's all right.
- Mike, big deal.Copy !req
202. - I can get it.
- Bro, I got a serious discount.Copy !req
203. It's gonna cost, like, $7.Copy !req
204. - I'm gonna take off. Nice to meet you.
- You, too.Copy !req
205. Oh, that's my dad. I'll see you later.Copy !req
206. Sure. I'll catch you later.Copy !req
207. - Hey.
- Hey.Copy !req
208. - Who's that?
- Don boden.Copy !req
209. - Who's Don boden?
- He's one of my counselors.Copy !req
210. - That's a nice sweater.
- Thanks.Copy !req
211. I'll walk you up.Copy !req
212. Hi. Thanks for getting Mike.Copy !req
213. - Hey, how was your thing?
- It was good.Copy !req
214. - I'll see you, dad.
- Okay, Mike.Copy !req
215. - I think he's gonna be okay.
- Well, we'll see.Copy !req
216. What's new?Copy !req
217. Nothing much.Copy !req
218. I got a feeler from hello america.Copy !req
219. - What?
- I got a feeler.Copy !req
220. Dales is leaving it.
I might get called to audition.Copy !req
221. New York.Copy !req
222. - If I get called.
- That's good.Copy !req
223. What about the kids?Copy !req
224. It's just a shot in the dark,
that's all.Copy !req
225. Well, thanks for getting Mike.Copy !req
226. I had to take my dad
to Northwestern for a testCopy !req
227. so I was right there, anyway.Copy !req
228. - Oh, is he okay?
- I think so. It was just a test.Copy !req
229. Noreen!Copy !req
230. Are you okay?Copy !req
231. Yeah.Copy !req
232. Fuck! What are you doing?Copy !req
233. I was just...Copy !req
234. You turned into it.Copy !req
235. I think you cracked the glass.Copy !req
236. So do you have everything you need?Copy !req
237. Yeah, we got everything.Copy !req
238. We 7! Pare it down to three applicants
after we watch the tapes.Copy !req
239. - We'll call if you're one, Dave.
- Okay, Mark.Copy !req
240. It's nice to make your acquaintance.Copy !req
241. - You, too. Take care.
- Hey, weatherman!Copy !req
242. All right. Bye.Copy !req
243. Fuck!Copy !req
244. Fuck.Copy !req
245. David?Copy !req
246. Hey.Copy !req
247. - What happened?
- I got hit with a frosty.Copy !req
248. - _why?
- What?Copy !req
249. Why did you get hit with a frosty?
What is a frosty?Copy !req
250. A frosty is a shake from Wendy's.Copy !req
251. Why would someone throw a shake at you?Copy !req
252. - That happens sometimes.
- People throw shakes at you?Copy !req
253. Stuff. People throw stuff
at me sometimesCopy !req
254. - if they don't like me, or something.
- They don't know you.Copy !req
255. From TV.Copy !req
256. But you just read the weather.Copy !req
257. Well, I predict it.Copy !req
258. You don't have a degree in meteorology.Copy !req
259. I make suppositions, or I...Copy !req
260. What are you doing?Copy !req
261. - I walked over.
- You walked? It's freezing.Copy !req
262. I have lymphoma, David.Copy !req
263. What?Copy !req
264. I have lymphoma.Copy !req
265. - Doctor pritch called.
- What?Copy !req
266. I was having tremors.
That's the reason that I went in.Copy !req
267. Pritch read my scans.Copy !req
268. - What's the prognosis?
- Well, it's not good.Copy !req
269. We'll talk about it this week.
I wanted to tell you.Copy !req
270. Yeah.Copy !req
271. I'll call you
after I've talked to pritch again.Copy !req
272. I'll drive you home.Copy !req
273. I like the fresh air.Copy !req
274. - Well, I'll walk back with you.
- No, that's okay.Copy !req
275. Okay.Copy !req
276. Every couple months,
someone throws something at me,Copy !req
277. a shake, a burrito once.Copy !req
278. Why? My name, partly, I guess.Copy !req
279. I changed it for professional reasons.Copy !req
280. My first station manager suggested it.Copy !req
281. He said it sounded refreshing
and that they wanted that quality.Copy !req
282. That may be true,
but it's also annoying. I know that.Copy !req
283. What kind of name is spritz?Copy !req
284. It's a bullshit name. It's a TV name.Copy !req
285. He's bullshit.Copy !req
286. Well, I like him. He's handsome.Copy !req
287. He's an asshole.Copy !req
288. I don't like his face.Copy !req
289. His asshole face.Copy !req
290. The other thing,
my job is very easy.Copy !req
291. Two hours a day,
basically reading prompts.Copy !req
292. I make $240,000 a year,Copy !req
293. plus appearances,Copy !req
294. which are, you know,
not comfortable for me,Copy !req
295. but lucrative.Copy !req
296. "Four score and seven years agoCopy !req
297. "our fathers brought forth,
on this continent..."Copy !req
298. Also, it makes other things easy,
being on TV.Copy !req
299. Everything's easy.Copy !req
300. Yeah!Copy !req
301. I receive a large rewardCopy !req
302. for pretty much zero effort
and contribution.Copy !req
303. The shakes and stuff
are a reaction to that, I think.Copy !req
304. What must you think of me?Copy !req
305. Your family-leaver.Copy !req
306. Your non-meteorologist, yet weatherman,Copy !req
307. frosty-taking, fuck-happy son.Copy !req
308. Don't die yet, Robert.
Give me time to get it together.Copy !req
309. Give me a little while.Copy !req
310. Let me get the hello america job.
I can get it together.Copy !req
311. Two for high water.Copy !req
312. - I got mine, Don.
- No, it's cool. I got it.Copy !req
313. Thanks.Copy !req
314. Tricia's a bitch.Copy !req
315. She's a little cunt.Copy !req
316. I hate that little cunt.Copy !req
317. I'd like to burn her.Copy !req
318. Today's the company party.
I thought I'd take the kids.Copy !req
319. Um, well, Mike is out.Copy !req
320. - Shelly's home?
- She's walking Jackson.Copy !req
321. - Where do you want to take them?
- The rink. Wch.Copy !req
322. Hey.Copy !req
323. Hey.Copy !req
324. What?Copy !req
325. Dave.Copy !req
326. Hey, Tim.Copy !req
327. - I didn't know you were coming.
- I always come to these...Copy !req
328. When I can.Copy !req
329. I have some time this week if you want
to go back up to bolingbrook.Copy !req
330. - What's in bolingbrook?
- Sportsman's. The archery range.Copy !req
331. - Okay.
- Okay? You wanna go?Copy !req
332. Okay, I remember it.Copy !req
333. Well, do you wanna go back up?Copy !req
334. Sometimes.Copy !req
335. What's gonna happen?Copy !req
336. What?Copy !req
337. What are we gonna do here?Copy !req
338. Great stuff.Copy !req
339. Ladies and gentlemen, on your marks!Copy !req
340. Let's go team spritz!Copy !req
341. Get set!Copy !req
342. GolCopy !req
343. go! Go! Go!Copy !req
344. - Just keep up, shell. Come on.
- I'm trying to.Copy !req
345. We should finish.Copy !req
346. We're last. We're way last.Copy !req
347. There's a lesson here. Let's finish.Copy !req
348. I'm hurt.Copy !req
349. Hon, you can do it.
You can finish. Okay?Copy !req
350. I don't want you to quit.
It's gonna mean a lot to dad. Okay?Copy !req
351. All right.Copy !req
352. Let's go.Copy !req
353. That's my girl. That's it.Copy !req
354. Good. I'm proud of you.Copy !req
355. Okay?Copy !req
356. Ow.Copy !req
357. Yay! That was great!Copy !req
358. Hon. Hon, you okay?Copy !req
359. You shouldn't have made me finish!Copy !req
360. That was like 100 yards you made me go.Copy !req
361. I'm not a football-jocker.Copy !req
362. What happened?Copy !req
363. Just... we got tangled up in a sack.Copy !req
364. - What happened?
- She tore her acl.Copy !req
365. These fucking crutches are too long!Copy !req
366. - What did you say?
- Shelly!Copy !req
367. - Well, what were you doing?
- It was a picnic.Copy !req
368. - And she tore something?
- Acl. Mcl.Copy !req
369. Which?Copy !req
370. Both.Copy !req
371. - Dave!
- Well, we didn't go bungee jumping!Copy !req
372. It was a fucking potato-sack race!Copy !req
373. - That's where she got it.
- What?Copy !req
374. "Fucking" this. "Fucking" that.Copy !req
375. No, I never said that around her.Copy !req
376. You don't know you have, Dave,
because you don't pay attention!Copy !req
377. Fuck that.Copy !req
378. What?Copy !req
379. - Just fuck that, Noreen. You know...
- Dave.Copy !req
380. - What?
- Step back.Copy !req
381. - Step back?
- Step back.Copy !req
382. What are you talking about, Russ?Copy !req
383. - Russ...
- Step back right now.Copy !req
384. - Fuck you, right now.
- Fuck you, spritz.Copy !req
385. Fuck you, fat asshole!Copy !req
386. Dildo!Copy !req
387. David, what are you doing?Copy !req
388. I'm talking to my wife!
I'm talking to NoreenCopy !req
389. and this clown,
whose business this isn't.Copy !req
390. You call me a dildo,
it is my business, spritz.Copy !req
391. You are a dildo, pork-fuck. You porker!Copy !req
392. Stop, son.Copy !req
393. Would you?Copy !req
394. Why don't you go?Copy !req
395. Why are you here? Are you okay?Copy !req
396. I came to talk to Noreen.Copy !req
397. Dave, come on. I will talk to you later.Copy !req
398. - Dave, what's going on, son?
- It's nothing. Just...Copy !req
399. Why are you here, anyway?Copy !req
400. I came to talk to Noreen
about an issue concerning Shelly.Copy !req
401. Well, you can talk to me.
I'm her parent, too. So? What?Copy !req
402. Shelly dresses in clothing
not appropriate for her,Copy !req
403. clinging stuff.Copy !req
404. All kids wear...
Dad, it's a different generation.Copy !req
405. They call her camel toe.Copy !req
406. - What?
- Are you aware of that?Copy !req
407. What?Copy !req
408. That her colleagues call her camel toe.Copy !req
409. What are you talking about?Copy !req
410. It means the crease in her vaginaCopy !req
411. that they can discern
through her clothing.Copy !req
412. - What?
- Camel toe.Copy !req
413. Yeah, I heard you.
I mean, how do you know they do that?Copy !req
414. I heard it.Copy !req
415. I picked Shelly up on Wednesday,
heard taunting,Copy !req
416. the older boys calling it.Copy !req
417. - You might have heard wrong.
- No, I heard camel...Copy !req
418. Okay, okay, look. I'll deal.Copy !req
419. I want to get her through
this acl thing.Copy !req
420. I'm gonna take her shooting.Copy !req
421. I'm gonna reapply her there.Copy !req
422. I'm gonna get her talking to me.
I'm gonna get to her,Copy !req
423. and I'm gonna work it out.Copy !req
424. A camel toe is pretty much
what Robert said it was.Copy !req
425. It's basically just when you can
make out more than you should.Copy !req
426. But it's the kind of thing...Copy !req
427. She's 12, you know?Copy !req
428. If you're around and paying attention,
you catch it,Copy !req
429. then name-calling doesn't start,
and maybe smoking doesn't start.Copy !req
430. And maybe she can just stay
a happy kid for a couple more years.Copy !req
431. She shouldn't be unhappy.Copy !req
432. Fuck. What did she ever do to anybody?
Shelly.Copy !req
433. - Hello.
- Da ve: Hey.Copy !req
434. Hey.Copy !req
435. Listen.Copy !req
436. Noreen, I was thinking,Copy !req
437. this pushing and pulling,Copy !req
438. the tug-of—war we do sometimes,Copy !req
439. it's not good for the kids.Copy !req
440. It's not.Copy !req
441. Noreen, let's see somebody.
Work it out. Let's...Copy !req
442. - Fuck!
- Asshole!Copy !req
443. Are you okay?Copy !req
444. - I got hit with a pop!
- What?Copy !req
445. A fucking...Copy !req
446. A big gulp.Copy !req
447. - Man.
- Are you okay? Are you okay?Copy !req
448. Yeah, I'm okay. I'm okay. So... uh...Copy !req
449. What I was saying...Copy !req
450. See somebody?Copy !req
451. We're going to begin
with some trust-building exercises.Copy !req
452. The buddy drop. Up on your feet.
Let's go.Copy !req
453. Um, Dave, Noreen. Center circle.Copy !req
454. Okay.Copy !req
455. Now, Noreen,
you're just gonna let yourself go,Copy !req
456. and Dave is gonna catch you.Copy !req
457. - Just go back?
- Yeah. Cross your arms up front.Copy !req
458. - Now?
- Whenever you're ready.Copy !req
459. Okay.Copy !req
460. Good. Very good.Copy !req
461. All right, Teresa, Mark. You're up.Copy !req
462. Okay.Copy !req
463. Now I want you to name somethingCopy !req
464. that you did that affected your partnerCopy !req
465. and that you're not proud of.Copy !req
466. I had this thing with porno
on the computer, sort of.Copy !req
467. I got a little preoccupied...Copy !req
468. Actually, I want you to write it down,
not say it.Copy !req
469. Okay.Copy !req
470. I want you to put it on the paper
that you got for a reason.Copy !req
471. Okay.Copy !req
472. Now make sure it's something
the other person doesn't know about,Copy !req
473. that they don't know.Copy !req
474. All right.Copy !req
475. Then you are going to give it
to the other personCopy !req
476. and the other person
is never going to look at it.Copy !req
477. EvenCopy !req
478. that's trust.Copy !req
479. What's up?Copy !req
480. I thought Dave's science-fiction
novel, or whatever it wasCopy !req
481. was stupid and suckedCopy !req
482. and was a waste of time.Copy !req
483. It was embarrassing. Four years?Copy !req
484. Well, I thought that went pretty well.Copy !req
485. Mmm-hmm. Yeah.Copy !req
486. It wasn't science fiction,
just so you know.Copy !req
487. - What?
- It wasn't science fiction.Copy !req
488. - What are you talking about?
- Did you even read it?Copy !req
489. No. One of the side characters
was a scientist,Copy !req
490. - but that's not even important...
- God damn it, Dave. God damn it!Copy !req
491. What? I'm just asking,
did you ever even read it?Copy !req
492. Oh, uh, it was hard to read.
It was poorly written.Copy !req
493. You're an asshole. God.Copy !req
494. You are a champion asshole.Copy !req
495. You're a real blue-ribbon fuck!Copy !req
496. I just wanna make it work, Noreen.Copy !req
497. I just want to know everything,
so I can make it work. That's why I...Copy !req
498. - I want to try again.
- I'm not going back. You fucked it up.Copy !req
499. I mean our marriage.Copy !req
500. What?Copy !req
501. I want to try again.Copy !req
502. Fuck you.Copy !req
503. You know, Dave, you can't even...Copy !req
504. You looked at it. That's dishonest.
It's crappy.Copy !req
505. - Noreen.
- Hey, should I look at yours?Copy !req
506. That's all right.Copy !req
507. No. No, no, Noreen...Copy !req
508. "Throughout marriage
bjs lacked enthusiasm.Copy !req
509. "Had difference of opinion
over how important that was.Copy !req
510. "I thought very."Copy !req
511. You know what, Dave?Copy !req
512. You want to know
why my bjs lacked enthusiasm?Copy !req
513. I hated you.Copy !req
514. I hated your hair.Copy !req
515. I hated your ugly legs, your forearms.Copy !req
516. I hated kissing your lips, Dave. Okay?Copy !req
517. And that's why I lacked enthusiasm
when your cock was in my mouth.Copy !req
518. Hey, hon.Copy !req
519. Shelly, it's cold.Copy !req
520. Your father said it was going to be
65 degrees today, but...Copy !req
521. Go ahead. I'll see you later.Copy !req
522. How did it go?Copy !req
523. Good.Copy !req
524. I'll call you tomorrow. Go ahead in.Copy !req
525. Did you start my novel yet?Copy !req
526. What's that?Copy !req
527. Breaking point. Did you start that?Copy !req
528. No, I haven't yet, son.
I've been preoccupied.Copy !req
529. Well, that's good, actually.Copy !req
530. I want to make some changes, so...Copy !req
531. I'll give you the new one.Copy !req
532. What did he say?Copy !req
533. It's further bad news.Copy !req
534. The metastatic plane
was too wide for radiation.Copy !req
535. He suggested I see a Dr. Frost
in New York for clinical trials.Copy !req
536. I got a feeler from hello america.Copy !req
537. National.Copy !req
538. They're looking at 20 guys,Copy !req
539. but they'll be cutting down
to three soon.Copy !req
540. It's a possibility.Copy !req
541. The salary's great. It's real strong.Copy !req
542. It would mean moving,Copy !req
543. but I'd like to move everybody,
you know?Copy !req
544. Renew things with Noreen.Copy !req
545. We've been seeing somebody.Copy !req
546. Let the kids start over in New York.Copy !req
547. Keep them away from some
of the bad influences here that...Copy !req
548. Just get a fresh start.Copy !req
549. I think that would be great.Copy !req
550. - That would be terrific.
- Yeah.Copy !req
551. You could rededicate yourselves,
knuckle down.Copy !req
552. What's this?Copy !req
553. It's a big gulp.Copy !req
554. You should say,
"we might see some snow,Copy !req
555. "but it might shift south, miss us."Copy !req
556. I can say it,
but I sort of wanna understand it.Copy !req
557. Why is it?Copy !req
558. Well, it's Canadian trade winds.Copy !req
559. Behind all of it?Copy !req
560. Yeah, this will get pushed by wind
out of Canada.Copy !req
561. - So what's it gonna do?
- I don't know.Copy !req
562. It's a guess.Copy !req
563. It's wind, man.
Blows all over the place.Copy !req
564. For some reason...Copy !req
565. I don't know.Copy !req
566. I went back to bolingbrook.Copy !req
567. I bought a three-month lesson plan.Copy !req
568. Hang on. Before you do that, you know,Copy !req
569. let's go out here
and do a little stretching exercises.Copy !req
570. You got to rotate your...Copy !req
571. We warm up,Copy !req
572. then do basic focus drills,
stuff you never think about.Copy !req
573. Like closing an eye
without moving your face,Copy !req
574. because your face
is the anchor point for your handCopy !req
575. that allows you to focus.Copy !req
576. You have to keep your triangle
against a lot of force.Copy !req
577. We do draws for a half hour,
then releases.Copy !req
578. That's called "loosing,"
when you release.Copy !req
579. Great shot! All right!Copy !req
580. It's hard,Copy !req
581. but that one good shot
leaves you thinkingCopy !req
582. you might be catching on.Copy !req
583. Do you lift weights?Copy !req
584. - What's that?
- Don: Do you lift weights?Copy !req
585. Yeah.Copy !req
586. - Cardio?
- Yeah, you have to do both.Copy !req
587. Yeah.Copy !req
588. Are you, uh, on any kind of a program?Copy !req
589. Yeah, our gym coach gave us a program.Copy !req
590. - That should be good.
- Yeah.Copy !req
591. Yeah.Copy !req
592. Fuck.Copy !req
593. Hey.Copy !req
594. - You know what would be interesting?
- What?Copy !req
595. We should take some pictures.Copy !req
596. Some shots,Copy !req
597. like, some now,
some in a month or whatever,Copy !req
598. see if you're making gains.Copy !req
599. Yeah.Copy !req
600. I've got my mom's nikon.Copy !req
601. - Whip your shirt off.
- Whip my shirt off?Copy !req
602. Yeah.Copy !req
603. You're shredded.Copy !req
604. This is great, man.Copy !req
605. We can compare this shit.Copy !req
606. That's a nikon fm?Copy !req
607. Well, yeah.
You know something about cameras?Copy !req
608. Yeah. I took a class at Parker.Copy !req
609. A couple more.Copy !req
610. My dad's gonna get the f3 for meCopy !req
611. if I can finish the program
and maintain a b average.Copy !req
612. It's like a $600 camera.
I'm psyched about it.Copy !req
613. I could loan that to you.Copy !req
614. Yeah?Copy !req
615. I could loan that shit to youCopy !req
616. if you wanted it earlier.Copy !req
617. Okay.Copy !req
618. This is gonna go a lot better.Copy !req
619. Because I got you some bobtail arrows.
They're easier.Copy !req
620. Well, they're thicker at the ends.Copy !req
621. See? They taper toward the nock.Copy !req
622. - What's the nock?
- The arrow end.Copy !req
623. - What was I using before?
- Chested arrows.Copy !req
624. That guy didn't know what he was doing.Copy !req
625. Okay.Copy !req
626. Fletch it.Copy !req
627. - Shelly: What?
- Fix your arrow in.Copy !req
628. That's the term.Copy !req
629. Arrow makers were called Fletchers.
That's where the last name came from.Copy !req
630. Here. There's a little bit of a...Copy !req
631. It takes a little while.
Right there, right below the nock.Copy !req
632. There!Copy !req
633. Awesome!Copy !req
634. Okay, let's loose a few.Copy !req
635. Let's show our stuff.Copy !req
636. Aim about a half-foot above.Copy !req
637. - Okay.
- You wait till you're steady.Copy !req
638. - Are you aligned?
- Yeah.Copy !req
639. Okay. Let it go.Copy !req
640. Fuck!Copy !req
641. Come on, Shelly. Get your arrow.Copy !req
642. We probably didn't home long enough.Copy !req
643. That's the pause between drawing back
and firing.Copy !req
644. Let's pause a little longer.Copy !req
645. What?Copy !req
646. Nothing.Copy !req
647. - Are you just not interested?
- Yeah.Copy !req
648. Yeah, you're not interested?
Or, yeah, you are interested?Copy !req
649. Yeah, I'm not. Really.Copy !req
650. What was it you liked?
Let's think of it that way.Copy !req
651. What?Copy !req
652. What interested you
when you thought about archery?Copy !req
653. When you wanted to do it.Copy !req
654. I don't know.
Going hunting or something.Copy !req
655. Hunfing?Copy !req
656. Yeah.Copy !req
657. - For animals?
- Yeah.Copy !req
658. You wanna shoot animals with arrows?Copy !req
659. - Yeah.
- You do?Copy !req
660. Yeah, to kill them.Copy !req
661. But that's not archery. That's hunting.Copy !req
662. That's called bowhunting.
That's what you wanted to do?Copy !req
663. - Bowhunting?
- Yeah, I saw it on TV.Copy !req
664. Well, I don't really wanna
kill animals with arrows,Copy !req
665. so that's not going to happen.
We can target shoot, Shelly.Copy !req
666. - It's not fun.
- It's a lot of fun.Copy !req
667. - You have to apply yourself.
- Targets don't move.Copy !req
668. Well, you know, Shelly,Copy !req
669. you haven't really hit one yet.Copy !req
670. You should support me.Copy !req
671. I do support you. I support.Copy !req
672. All right, forget it.
Take your bracer off.Copy !req
673. - We're not shooting anymore.
- Okay.Copy !req
674. There's a chance
I might be going to New York.Copy !req
675. A small chance.Copy !req
676. You think you'd like to come,
maybe, if I go?Copy !req
677. Yeah.Copy !req
678. We could maybe go with poppop.Copy !req
679. - He's got some tests.
- Yeah.Copy !req
680. Hey.Copy !req
681. Hey, Mike.Copy !req
682. You don't look real good, dad.Copy !req
683. - Are you okay?
- Yeah.Copy !req
684. - What are you doing out here?
- Just sitting here.Copy !req
685. Sometimes I just sit here
and look at the house.Copy !req
686. - You park here sometimes?
- Yeah. Sometimes.Copy !req
687. I just like to see you guys.
I see you playing guitar up there.Copy !req
688. Okay.Copy !req
689. - Sounds good.
- Thanks.Copy !req
690. - You know, poppop...
- Yeah.Copy !req
691. - He's sick.
- Mom said.Copy !req
692. I was thinking about that, too.Copy !req
693. Why do you have a bow and arrow
in there?Copy !req
694. I was just out with Shelly.
I'm not playing favorites.Copy !req
695. I just think we need to be together
for a while.Copy !req
696. Yeah, that's okay.Copy !req
697. - How's your program going?
- Great.Copy !req
698. You're gonna get that camera
if you keep it up!Copy !req
699. Look at this house.Copy !req
700. Someone should be happy here.Copy !req
701. How did I fuck this up?Copy !req
702. Seriously.Copy !req
703. What if! Remembered the tartar sauce?
Would things be different?Copy !req
704. Would Robert die
not thinking I'm a jerk-off?Copy !req
705. Jerk-fuck?Copy !req
706. Don't forget the tartar sauce.Copy !req
707. Just call the order in, Noreen,Copy !req
708. and quit busting my you-know-what, okay?Copy !req
709. You always half-listen
to what I'm saying to you!Copy !req
710. I heard you. Tartar sauce.Copy !req
711. Tartar sauce. Tartar sauce.
Tartar sauce.Copy !req
712. Tartar sauce, tartar sauce,
tartar sauce, tartar sauce.Copy !req
713. Man, how I'd like
to put my face in there.Copy !req
714. Right in there. Tartar sauce.Copy !req
715. My hips are cold. Tartar sauce.Copy !req
716. That's when you know it's cold.Copy !req
717. I like eating pussy. Tartar sauce.Copy !req
718. A lot of guys don't.
Well, maybe they do.Copy !req
719. Maybe that's just black guys.
Tartar sauce.Copy !req
720. What happened to the guy
who was trying to go around the worldCopy !req
721. in a balloon? Did he make it?Copy !req
722. I should put some espionageCopy !req
723. or stolen plutonium in my novel.
Tartar sauce.Copy !req
724. Spice it up. Neil young.
Fuck, it's cold!Copy !req
725. Neil young?
Why am I thinking about Neil young?Copy !req
726. Neil diamond. Neil.
There's not a lot of famous neils.Copy !req
727. Is this Wednesday?
I wish I had two dicks.Copy !req
728. I thought the whole family was going
to learn Spanish together this year.Copy !req
729. That never really happened.Copy !req
730. I haven't had a Spanish omelet
in a long time.Copy !req
731. Here we go.Copy !req
732. Anything else?Copy !req
733. Where is the tartar sauce?Copy !req
734. They were out. They apologized.Copy !req
735. - They were cool about it.
- They were out?Copy !req
736. - They were out.
- They were out of tartar sauce?Copy !req
737. I'm calling them.Copy !req
738. Fuck, Noreen.Copy !req
739. It's not about the tartar sauce.
It's about you. You don't care!Copy !req
740. I don't care about tartar sauce!Copy !req
741. I'm trying to make a living
for this family.Copy !req
742. I've got work things to think about
and pressure.Copy !req
743. Tartar sauce?
Fuck, Noreen, are you serious?Copy !req
744. You are so selfish!Copy !req
745. I would do anything for you...Copy !req
746. - Dave: Everything you say is right.
- As if we're not happy.Copy !req
747. I'm trying to take care
of the family.Copy !req
748. You come in here,
looked in my faceCopy !req
749. and you lied to me, Dave.Copy !req
750. Do you think I'm a moron? "They're out."Copy !req
751. We both just think
it's better for the kids.Copy !req
752. David, sacrifice is...Copy !req
753. To get anything of value,
you have to sacrifice.Copy !req
754. I know that, dad. But I think
if we continue down this road...Copy !req
755. It's going to be too detrimental
for the kids.Copy !req
756. It's just too hard.Copy !req
757. Do you know that the harder thing
to do and the right thing to doCopy !req
758. are usually the same thing?Copy !req
759. Nothing that has meaning is easy.Copy !req
760. Easy doesn't enter into grown-up life.Copy !req
761. I'm not comfortable
with an 18-degree variance.Copy !req
762. - Why even forecast?
- It's a technical art,Copy !req
763. not a science. People get that.Copy !req
764. - Let's narrow it down, Tim.
- Dave, it's random.Copy !req
765. We do our best.Copy !req
766. A day can have that variance.Copy !req
767. - Dave, phone call.
- Tell him to take a message.Copy !req
768. It's hello america.Copy !req
769. Can we shop here?Copy !req
770. Sure. Where is that?Copy !req
771. - Bendel -all right.Copy !req
772. You know what? Let's go for a walk.
Take a break.Copy !req
773. You don't like it?Copy !req
774. No, maybe we'll come back later.
We'll just take a break.Copy !req
775. - Dave: So how's everything going?
- Good.Copy !req
776. - How's school?
- Good.Copy !req
777. - Dance school?
- Good.Copy !req
778. You know, when I was in school,Copy !req
779. I guess the hardest thing was how
other kids can be a little mean.Copy !req
780. Names and stuff.Copy !req
781. Do you ever get called names?Copy !req
782. Like what?Copy !req
783. I don't know, like "dummy"
if you miss a question,Copy !req
784. or "camel toe."Copy !req
785. Yeah. Camel toe.Copy !req
786. Do you know why?Copy !req
787. Why what?Copy !req
788. Why you get called camel toe?Copy !req
789. Yeah.Copy !req
790. Why, hon?Copy !req
791. Because camel toes are tough.Copy !req
792. They can walk all over the desert
and all the hot rocks.Copy !req
793. I'm tough.Copy !req
794. That's right.
It's because they're tough.Copy !req
795. You ready to shop again?Copy !req
796. I think they make car tires
out of camel toes.Copy !req
797. Yeah, I think I heard that.Copy !req
798. I just think you're more grown-up
than that other stuff.Copy !req
799. I don't think I like it.Copy !req
800. But that was sort of kid stuff.Copy !req
801. I like this dress. It's New York style.Copy !req
802. Let me see.Copy !req
803. Hey.Copy !req
804. - You like it?
- I like it. Yeah.Copy !req
805. Do you like it?Copy !req
806. Yeah, I think I do.Copy !req
807. Do you feel comfortable in it?
Because, you know, that's the thing.Copy !req
808. Yeah, it's comfy.Copy !req
809. You look great.Copy !req
810. You look all grown-up.Copy !req
811. Okay, change. Let's get some more.Copy !req
812. Really?Copy !req
813. Sure, and then we'll go show poppop
some of this stuff.Copy !req
814. Poppoplpoppop!Copy !req
815. - Check this out.
- That's nice, hon.Copy !req
816. I know. I got a lot more, too!Copy !req
817. Dave.Copy !req
818. - How are you feeling?
- I'm all right.Copy !req
819. Mike got arrested.Copy !req
820. What?Copy !req
821. He fucked his drug counselor's car up.
They were on their way to a movie.Copy !req
822. A movie?Copy !req
823. Mike said he was trying to suck him off.Copy !req
824. Then Mike chucked a rock
through his car's passenger window.Copy !req
825. What is this sucking and chucking rocks?Copy !req
826. I mean, what is this?Copy !req
827. What did the guy say?Copy !req
828. He said Mike tried to Jack his wallet.Copy !req
829. What is this sucking and chucking
and jacking and fucking-up, son?Copy !req
830. He's 15 years old!Copy !req
831. What is this shit?Copy !req
832. - Where is he?
- He's at home.Copy !req
833. What is this?Copy !req
834. Fuck.Copy !req
835. Are you ready for the doctors?Copy !req
836. Yeah.Copy !req
837. Got you! You're dead.Copy !req
838. Ithinkjust what
he said happened, happened.Copy !req
839. I think the guy was trying
to make a move on himCopy !req
840. and Mike got surprised and scared.Copy !req
841. Hon, will you get me a pop
from the pop machine?Copy !req
842. Can you get your pop later?Copy !req
843. I'm trying to send Shelly away
so she doesn't have to hear this.Copy !req
844. This guy says that Mike
tried to steal his walletCopy !req
845. and that's why they were fighting
when the police came.Copy !req
846. - How is he?
- Noreen: He's scared. I don't know.Copy !req
847. I can come home.Copy !req
848. No, stay there
and do your hello america thing.Copy !req
849. - You act like...
- Noreen: What?Copy !req
850. Like Mike's in troubleCopy !req
851. 'cause I'm interviewing
at hello america. Give me a break!Copy !req
852. I don't have any money.Copy !req
853. Russ is helping anyway.Copy !req
854. - That dildo's what?
- Noreen: He's been a big help, okay?Copy !req
855. You can stay there.Copy !req
856. Fine. I'll stay here with camel toe.Copy !req
857. You just take care of stuff there!
You take care of it!Copy !req
858. Camel toe?
What are you talking about?Copy !req
859. I had to find out how kids
taunt Shelly about thatCopy !req
860. and you're letting her get taunted.Copy !req
861. You're not paying attention
to the way she goes to school!Copy !req
862. / take care of
everything around here.Copy !req
863. Well, I bought her new stuff.Copy !req
864. I bought her a bunch of brand new stuffCopy !req
865. and she told me
all kinds of stuff, so...Copy !req
866. Don't be such a dick.Copy !req
867. You have her for one weekend.Copy !req
868. You know what, Noreen? Just...Copy !req
869. Fuck! Whatever. Let me talk to Mike.Copy !req
870. He's sleeping,
and don't talk to me like that.Copy !req
871. More dildo, more fucking...Copy !req
872. Listen, I have to go, Noreen.
I'll talk to you soon.Copy !req
873. Whatever.Copy !req
874. I thought you were trying
to improve matters with Noreen,Copy !req
875. if not reconcile.Copy !req
876. I am. What did frost say?Copy !req
877. He wants to speak to me
in about 10 minutes.Copy !req
878. It was cold in there.Copy !req
879. Would you get me a coffee, Dave?
So I can warm up.Copy !req
880. Yeah, dad.Copy !req
881. Dildo. Jacking...Copy !req
882. Hi. $0.65.Copy !req
883. Fuck.Copy !req
884. - Hey.Copy !req
885. Poppop went in?Copy !req
886. - Yeah.
- Great. Yeah. He wanted a coffee.Copy !req
887. Do you have my wallet?Copy !req
888. You only had $1.Copy !req
889. You should carry more money than that.Copy !req
890. I know.Copy !req
891. Well, did he say
whether any more therapy could...Copy !req
892. No, he didn't have a different opinion
than pritch.Copy !req
893. There's too large a plane.Copy !req
894. It's a no-go.Copy !req
895. - Well, did he say...
- He said months.Copy !req
896. - Did he say a lot of months?
- Well, what's a lot?Copy !req
897. I don't know, like 12.Copy !req
898. Well, if he meant 12,
he probably would've said a year, son.Copy !req
899. I think he meant three or four.Copy !req
900. Well, you have a big day tomorrow.Copy !req
901. The hello america show.Copy !req
902. Yeah.Copy !req
903. Ed: And here comes
the grand marshal, Dave spritzel.Copy !req
904. Didn't his name
used to be spritz?Copy !req
905. Ed: Yeah, it sure did,Copy !req
906. but he changed it back
to the original spritzel.Copy !req
907. Why the change, ed?Copy !req
908. Well, when you're national,
there's no more up.Copy !req
909. So he changed it back,Copy !req
910. like John "cougar" mellencamp.
He's realer now and more authentic.Copy !req
911. - Who's that with him?
- Ed: Those are the wife and kids.Copy !req
912. Didn't they used to have
a real fucked-up relationship?Copy !req
913. Ed: Not anymore.
That's something else that changed.Copy !req
914. It seems hello america
with byrant gumbel...Copy !req
915. Gave them all a fresh startCopy !req
916. and an increase in salary to $980,000
outside promotional fees,Copy !req
917. which puts Dave
well over $1 million a year.Copy !req
918. - That got his wife's ear, lbet.
- Ed: You bet.Copy !req
919. That buys a lot of face time.Copy !req
920. Now everything's great.Copy !req
921. - Did he say that?
- Ed: Yeah, he told me that...Copy !req
922. Hello, america.Copy !req
923. What are your hobbies?Copy !req
924. Writing. Archery.Copy !req
925. And you don't have a degree
in meteorology?Copy !req
926. General communications.Copy !req
927. Well, listen. We've seen a lot
of your work in Chicago.Copy !req
928. Okay.Copy !req
929. We think you're great, refreshing.Copy !req
930. We love the spritz nipper.Copy !req
931. Great.Copy !req
932. Why don't we run some blue screen,Copy !req
933. and we'll do a walk-through on the set?Copy !req
934. Great.Copy !req
935. Here's your station.
We'll run some screen.Copy !req
936. Give me a second to set it up.Copy !req
937. - Hi.
- Bryant: Hi.Copy !req
938. I'm waiting for Mark.
I'm running some screen.Copy !req
939. - Dave.
- Bryant.Copy !req
940. - Nervous?
- No.Copy !req
941. - Sure?
- Yeah.Copy !req
942. You lookjust a little bit nervous.Copy !req
943. It's not nerves.Copy !req
944. - Other shit.
- Yeah.Copy !req
945. Mild in the northwest.Copy !req
946. As this high-pressure system gives way,Copy !req
947. we'll see warm temperatures
in new Mexico...Copy !req
948. I know it's not neurosurgery,Copy !req
949. but green screen is the one part
of my job that's not really easy.Copy !req
950. 35 in New York with colder
temperatures west to Michigan...Copy !req
951. You need a sense of where put-ons
will come from,Copy !req
952. and a pretty strong sense of scale.Copy !req
953. There are travel advisories
in New Orleans and Atlanta.Copy !req
954. It's pretty heavy weather...Copy !req
955. I've gotten real good at it.Copy !req
956. I thought everything went over
pretty well.Copy !req
957. So we'll let you know
in a couple of days.Copy !req
958. Okay.Copy !req
959. This is my father, Robert spritzel,
and my daughter.Copy !req
960. We're a little late for our plane,Copy !req
961. so we thought we'd leave from here.Copy !req
962. - Yeah, I'm sorry. We kept you late.
- That's cool.Copy !req
963. - So you've got the numbers?
- Yes.Copy !req
964. There's a built-in with purina
I forgot. $42,000.Copy !req
965. Okay.Copy !req
966. - What's a built-in?
- It's a compulsory endorsement,Copy !req
967. if I'm offered the job.Copy !req
968. - Dog food?
- Yeah. Pet products.Copy !req
969. Dave doesn't own a pet.Copy !req
970. Well, I have Jackson.Copy !req
971. Jackson lives with your wife and kids.Copy !req
972. We'll let you know.Copy !req
973. - Russ is here.
- Okay.Copy !req
974. - Where's Mike?
- Inside.Copy !req
975. - Dave.
- Hi, Russ.Copy !req
976. He's upstairs.
He's still pretty upset about it.Copy !req
977. - Did he talk about it?
- Yeah.Copy !req
978. - To you?
- He's told us what happened.Copy !req
979. Uh, he was with his counselor,
Don boden. I guess he...Copy !req
980. I don't really know why
what happened next happened.Copy !req
981. He was talking about my son,
and I was taking my gloves off.Copy !req
982. Apparently, they were
going to a movie...Copy !req
983. - What the fuck?
- Why are you here?Copy !req
984. - What are you doing?
- Why are you here?Copy !req
985. - I'm helping Noreen!
- Why are you helping?Copy !req
986. - Dave.
- Son. Jesus.Copy !req
987. Here's something thatCopy !req
988. if you want your father to think
you're not a silly fuck,Copy !req
989. don't slap a guy across the face
with a glove.Copy !req
990. Because if you do that,
that's what he will thinkCopy !req
991. unless you're a nobleman or something
in the 19th century,Copy !req
992. which I'm not.Copy !req
993. - You can get inside okay, dad?
- Yeah.Copy !req
994. "When my back's against the wall,
I order a chink call-girl,Copy !req
995. "or! Box some rounds with Richie,Copy !req
996. "the puerto rican southpaw
at clancey's gym.Copy !req
997. "'But tonight, ' Roy thought...Copy !req
998. "'Once I smuggle
this fucking plutonium out...Copy !req
999. "'I'm just going to drink some scotch
and hit the sack.'Copy !req
1000. "Roy had picked up Oliver
at his science lab,Copy !req
1001. "and there he snagged the vials.Copy !req
1002. "He stashed them
in his computer case..."Copy !req
1003. My mom discovered an idea
known as a living funeralCopy !req
1004. in a book she read
to help her with Robert dying.Copy !req
1005. It's where someone's family
and friends gatherCopy !req
1006. like they might at the person's funeralCopy !req
1007. only when the person's alive,
so they can see everybody.Copy !req
1008. - Hey, what's up?
- What's up?Copy !req
1009. Hey, what's the nipper?Copy !req
1010. - What's that?
- What's the nipper this week?Copy !req
1011. I don't know.Copy !req
1012. You don't know yet?Copy !req
1013. Come on, man.Copy !req
1014. What? I just asked you about the nipper.Copy !req
1015. Monday, okay? That's the... okay?Copy !req
1016. - What's your problem?
- It's February, man. It's cold.Copy !req
1017. Fuck!Copy !req
1018. - Fuck you, then.
- Fuck you!Copy !req
1019. Do you know what variance is?Copy !req
1020. You think you could pick out a day,Copy !req
1021. a week ahead and give a realistic...
You know?Copy !req
1022. - Did you know that?
- Weatherman!Copy !req
1023. God! Fuck!Copy !req
1024. I have kids!Copy !req
1025. I have to go see my kids!Copy !req
1026. You put fucking pie shit on my coat!Copy !req
1027. I have to see my kids
with pie on me, man?Copy !req
1028. Go see your kids with shit on you!Copy !req
1029. Hey, calm down, man!Copy !req
1030. I have to see my family!Copy !req
1031. I have to see...Copy !req
1032. - Hello?
- Mark: Hello? Dave?Copy !req
1033. - What?
- It's Mark dersen from hello america.Copy !req
1034. Hi, Dave.Copy !req
1035. - Take care.
- Okay.Copy !req
1036. Noreen.Copy !req
1037. Shelly looks nice.Copy !req
1038. We bought that in New York.Copy !req
1039. Yeah, I know. That's why I said it.Copy !req
1040. It's very nice.Copy !req
1041. Noreen,Copy !req
1042. I got offered the show.
Hello america with Bryant gumbel.Copy !req
1043. Well, that's great.Copy !req
1044. - Are you gonna take it?
- I'm thinking about it.Copy !req
1045. It's a pretty substantial salary,
and you know the venue. It's big.Copy !req
1046. It's a pretty big salaryjump, I guess.Copy !req
1047. $1.2 million all in, Noreen.Copy !req
1048. Can we think about that?Copy !req
1049. What?Copy !req
1050. What that kind of change
could be like for everybody.Copy !req
1051. Mike, Shelly, you know?Copy !req
1052. If we thought about trying again.Copy !req
1053. Dave, I'm marrying Russ.Copy !req
1054. Da ve: Accuracy equals
focusing on a point.Copy !req
1055. Gravity pulls an inch a yard.Copy !req
1056. You point up.Copy !req
1057. But you have to factor in wind,Copy !req
1058. which is the most difficult part.Copy !req
1059. Noreen.Copy !req
1060. I had to go in anyway.Copy !req
1061. It was time for my speech.Copy !req
1062. And that's what I know
about Robert spritzel.Copy !req
1063. Forbearance, charity, wisdom.Copy !req
1064. There are too few like him.Copy !req
1065. And now Robert's son, David.Copy !req
1066. Good afternoon.Copy !req
1067. Many of you came from long distances,Copy !req
1068. and I know I speak for my mom
and Noreen,Copy !req
1069. and my family, Mike and Shelly,
when I say thank you.Copy !req
1070. When I think of my dad,
I think of Bob seger's like a rock.Copy !req
1071. And then the power went out.Copy !req
1072. Then, when the lights came back on
in 40 minutes,Copy !req
1073. everyone had pretty much forgotten
that I was talking,Copy !req
1074. and we never finished
that part of the thing.Copy !req
1075. So my speech was,
"when I think of my dadCopy !req
1076. "I think of Bob seger's like a rock."Copy !req
1077. That's all I said
at my dad's living funeral,Copy !req
1078. something about Bob seger.Copy !req
1079. You've reached 272-7638.
Please leave a message.Copy !req
1080. Dave, it's Mark dersen
from hello america.Copy !req
1081. Can you give me a call back?
I called a couple of times FridayCopy !req
1082. and I'm wondering
why you haven't called me back.Copy !req
1083. If I need to move down on my list,
look, I need to know. Okay?Copy !req
1084. It's not "hello, you know,
whatever, Orlando."Copy !req
1085. Look. I'm still jacked about you, Dave.Copy !req
1086. I just need to hear from you.
Give me a call.Copy !req
1087. Your phone's ringing.Copy !req
1088. I know.Copy !req
1089. Why aren't you getting it?Copy !req
1090. It's the Bryant gumbel thing.Copy !req
1091. So why aren't you getting it?Copy !req
1092. Did you bring that stuff?Copy !req
1093. It's by the door.Copy !req
1094. You should get it.Copy !req
1095. Fuck.Copy !req
1096. It was a McDonald's hot apple pie.Copy !req
1097. They're not kidding.Copy !req
1098. It was hot.Copy !req
1099. The other thing that gets to people,Copy !req
1100. that leads to pies, I guess,Copy !req
1101. are these catch phrases
we're required to useCopy !req
1102. to single the program out.Copy !req
1103. It gets under people's skin.Copy !req
1104. Spritz nipper.Copy !req
1105. But the whole thing about all of it,Copy !req
1106. all the getting hit with stuff,Copy !req
1107. the whole thing is, who gets hit
with a fucking pie, anyway?Copy !req
1108. Did anyone ever throw a pie
at Thomas Jefferson?Copy !req
1109. Or buzz aldrin? I doubt it.Copy !req
1110. But this is like the ninth time I got...Copy !req
1111. Clowns get hit with pies.Copy !req
1112. - Fuck!
- I'm Mike's father! Here's your shit!Copy !req
1113. I saw you buy this at the mail
on north Avenue!Copy !req
1114. And I'm telling the cops, too!Copy !req
1115. So you can cut your crap
about Mike jacking your wallet!Copy !req
1116. He's just a kid. See!Copy !req
1117. He looks grown, but he's just a kid!Copy !req
1118. You fucking asshole.Copy !req
1119. I mean, I'll bet no one
ever threw a pie at, like,Copy !req
1120. Harriet tubman, the founder of
the underground railroad.Copy !req
1121. I'll bet you a million fucking dollars.Copy !req
1122. The first time I was struck
with something,Copy !req
1123. a chicken breast from Kenny Rogers,Copy !req
1124. I was standing next to a garbage pail.Copy !req
1125. I thought it might've been an accident,Copy !req
1126. that they were throwing it out.Copy !req
1127. The second time,
it hit me square on the chin,Copy !req
1128. a soft taco.Copy !req
1129. Then, pop.Copy !req
1130. A falafel.Copy !req
1131. McNuggets.Copy !req
1132. Always fast food.Copy !req
1133. Fast food.Copy !req
1134. Shit people would rather throw out
than finish.Copy !req
1135. It's easy. It tastes all right,Copy !req
1136. but it doesn't really provide you
any nourishment.Copy !req
1137. I'm fast food.Copy !req
1138. Hey.Copy !req
1139. Hey.Copy !req
1140. - Did you see him?
- Yeah.Copy !req
1141. Am I gonna get in trouble?
I didn't do anything.Copy !req
1142. You're not in trouble.
I took care of it.Copy !req
1143. I got on him.Copy !req
1144. I let him know we're not messing around.Copy !req
1145. Iwhaled on him.Copy !req
1146. What?Copy !req
1147. I caught him one clean one for sure,
on the forehead,Copy !req
1148. and then I fucking whaled on him.Copy !req
1149. Seriously?Copy !req
1150. He's not going to say you stole
anything, and you're not in trouble.Copy !req
1151. - What are you eating?
- Corn dog.Copy !req
1152. You're a kid, Mike. Fuck.Copy !req
1153. - I'm not a kid.
- You are a kid.Copy !req
1154. Don't put yourself
in grown-up situations againCopy !req
1155. until you're a grown-up.Copy !req
1156. - Okay.
- Okay?Copy !req
1157. Yeah.Copy !req
1158. - Do you want me to get you a corn dog?
- What? No.Copy !req
1159. What do you want?Copy !req
1160. Nothing.Copy !req
1161. Weatherman!Copy !req
1162. - Hey.Copy !req
1163. - Are you all right?
- Yeah.Copy !req
1164. I just wanted you to...Copy !req
1165. What?Copy !req
1166. Bob seger: / was eighteenCopy !req
1167. didn't have a careCopy !req
1168. working for peanutsCopy !req
1169. not a dime to spareCopy !req
1170. but I was lean and solid everywhereCopy !req
1171. like a rockCopy !req
1172. I don't really get it.Copy !req
1173. Am I following it?Copy !req
1174. It was just a lead up
to other things I wanted to say.Copy !req
1175. Here's the part.Copy !req
1176. And I held firmCopy !req
1177. to what I felt was rightCopy !req
1178. like a rockCopy !req
1179. I wanted to talk about that part,Copy !req
1180. about you.Copy !req
1181. That's like you.Copy !req
1182. I was strong as I could beCopy !req
1183. like a rockCopy !req
1184. I got the job.Copy !req
1185. New York?Copy !req
1186. That's terrific.
That's a remarkable income.Copy !req
1187. That's more money than I ever made,
that salary.Copy !req
1188. Yeah.Copy !req
1189. That's quite an American accomplishment.Copy !req
1190. Thanks.Copy !req
1191. Are you okay?Copy !req
1192. I can't knuckle down.Copy !req
1193. Noreen's marrying Russ.Copy !req
1194. There's nothing
to knuckle down on, so...Copy !req
1195. I can't fucking knuckle down.Copy !req
1196. Your hand.Copy !req
1197. I just saw Mike's counselor.Copy !req
1198. Mike mentioned that you
were gonna fix this business up.Copy !req
1199. He's in no trouble?Copy !req
1200. Good job.Copy !req
1201. Your hand okay?Copy !req
1202. It's okay.Copy !req
1203. - You certain?
- Don't worry.Copy !req
1204. You always worry about your kids,Copy !req
1205. no matter how old.Copy !req
1206. There's always looking after.Copy !req
1207. I read your book.Copy !req
1208. Fuck.Copy !req
1209. I was going to do some more
work on it, then I chucked it.Copy !req
1210. - You chucked it.
- Garbage.Copy !req
1211. It's just what I do, David.Copy !req
1212. I've practiced and I've gotten good.Copy !req
1213. Like you and the weather business.Copy !req
1214. But I don't predict it.Copy !req
1215. Nobody does, 'cause it's just wind.
It's wind.Copy !req
1216. It blows all over the place!Copy !req
1217. What the fuck?Copy !req
1218. I have to go to work.Copy !req
1219. David.Copy !req
1220. This shit life...Copy !req
1221. We must Chuck some things.Copy !req
1222. We must Chuck themCopy !req
1223. in this shit life.Copy !req
1224. There's always looking after.Copy !req
1225. You have time.Copy !req
1226. Thanks.Copy !req
1227. Pretty soon after Robert's
living funeral, we had his real one.Copy !req
1228. I'm sorry for your loss.Copy !req
1229. That's a lovely thing to say to me.Copy !req
1230. Where'd you hear that?Copy !req
1231. His friends.Copy !req
1232. Hey.Copy !req
1233. I'm glad one of you brought an umbrella.Copy !req
1234. I had a feeling
it was going to rain today.Copy !req
1235. You're not going to take my job,
are you?Copy !req
1236. No. I'm going to be a cameraman
for Monday night football.Copy !req
1237. Is that okay?Copy !req
1238. Yeah. That's good.Copy !req
1239. There are a great many of
Robert's friends here, even in winter.Copy !req
1240. I think it's because Robert was unusual.Copy !req
1241. I think that's what
brought so many of you out.Copy !req
1242. A loving husband
and father for 40 years.Copy !req
1243. And a good friend to some of you
for longer.Copy !req
1244. I'm sure that's why
we appreciated and loved Robert.Copy !req
1245. He was excellent.Copy !req
1246. Selfless.Copy !req
1247. Resolute.Copy !req
1248. / remember onceCopy !req
1249. imagining what my life would be like,
what I'd be like.Copy !req
1250. I pictured having all these qualities.Copy !req
1251. Strong, positive qualitiesCopy !req
1252. that people could pick up on
from across a room.Copy !req
1253. But as time passed,Copy !req
1254. few ever became
any qualities 1 actually had.Copy !req
1255. And all the possibilities I faced,
and the sorts of people I could be,Copy !req
1256. all of them got reduced every year
to fewer and fewerCopy !req
1257. until finally they got reduced to one,Copy !req
1258. to who I am.Copy !req
1259. And that's who I am,Copy !req
1260. the weatherman.Copy !req
1261. But first Dave spritz has the check
of our national weather. Dave.Copy !req
1262. Well, thanks, Bryant.Copy !req
1263. Well, it feels like spring
if you're in the northeast.Copy !req
1264. Is it gonna last? Let's take a look.Copy !req
1265. We've got a warm weather system to thankCopy !req
1266. for these high temperatures...Copy !req
1267. Mike, you ready for school?Copy !req
1268. Russ?Copy !req
1269. Let's go, guys.Copy !req
1270. Come on.Copy !req
1271. You're gonna get it!Copy !req
1272. - Bye, Shelly.
- Bye, mom.Copy !req
1273. That's your national weather.
I'll be back with your local focusCopy !req
1274. at the bottom of the hour.Copy !req
1275. - Hey, are you Dave spritz?
- Yeah.Copy !req
1276. - Can I get your autograph?
- Sure.Copy !req
1277. So is it going to rain today?Copy !req
1278. Who knows?Copy !req
1279. Hey, hello america.Copy !req
1280. I've been doing the show
for a few months.Copy !req
1281. People don't throw things at me anymore,Copy !req
1282. maybe because I carry a bow around.Copy !req
1283. I don't know.Copy !req
1284. I go back to Chicago weekends,Copy !req
1285. keep it steady with Mike and Shelly,Copy !req
1286. come back, do the weather.
So... forecast?Copy !req
1287. Come on.Copy !req
1288. Another man is with my family.Copy !req
1289. Things didn't work out
the way I predicted.Copy !req
1290. Accepting that's not easy,Copy !req
1291. but easy doesn't enter
into grown-up life.Copy !req
1292. I'll take this American accomplishment.Copy !req
1293. That's where I live,Copy !req
1294. behind fire brigade 47. Okay.Copy !req
1295. But in front of spongebob.Copy !req
1296. Hello, america.Copy !req