1. Cut his ass.Copy !req
2. Let's go!Copy !req
3. Heads up! That's it, that's it!Copy !req
4. That's it!Copy !req
5. - Hey, coach, how you been?
- Lynn Swann.Copy !req
6. Now why ain't I surprised
to see you snoopin' aroundCopy !req
7. my football field first day of practice?Copy !req
8. You got a good-lookin' football team.Copy !req
9. Maybe good enough to add another trophy
to the old case downstairs.Copy !req
10. Kinda like my old man
told me one time, Lynn.Copy !req
11. "The only thing better than a crawfish
dinner is five crawfish dinners."Copy !req
12. Hey, here comes the shithead.Copy !req
13. It's clean.Copy !req
14. It's cold.Copy !req
15. Now that's what I call
high-quality H20.Copy !req
16. Right in the head!Copy !req
17. It's over there!Copy !req
18. Any unused magic in that legendary
green playbook of yours, Red?Copy !req
19. I may have a couple
squirreled away in there for...Copy !req
20. a rainy day.Copy !req
21. See what we got here.Copy !req
22. Not exactly what I'd call
constructive criticism.Copy !req
23. Smell like you could use
a shower, stinky.Copy !req
24. Listen, you could think what
you want about my personal hygiene,Copy !req
25. but, please, don't waste any water.Copy !req
26. That's bad policy. If you need
to amuse yourself at my expense,Copy !req
27. just rough me up or something.Copy !req
28. Fair enough.Copy !req
29. Hey, waterboy!Copy !req
30. Seriously, I could injure myself.Copy !req
31. Laski, get over here!Copy !req
32. Yes, sir, coach.Copy !req
33. What is that moron doin' here?Copy !req
34. Didn't I tell you as plain as I could
speak to get rid of his ass last year?Copy !req
35. I didn't think you were serious.
Besides, he does a great job.Copy !req
36. Disrupting my football team, you idiot!Copy !req
37. Eighteen years of this is enough!Copy !req
38. Hey, waterboy!Copy !req
39. - Yes, Mr. Coach Beaulieu.
- You're fired!Copy !req
40. OK.Copy !req
41. Get out of the way, you moron!Copy !req
42. Bobby Boucher,
come give your mama a kiss.Copy !req
43. Hi, Steve.Copy !req
44. Why you home so early,
my precious angel?Copy !req
45. Mama, somethin' bad happened today.Copy !req
46. Somebody hurt you, my boy? Who hurt
you? You tell Mama who hurt you.Copy !req
47. Nobody, Mama. It's just thatCopy !req
48. I lost my position as the team's
water distribution engineer.Copy !req
49. Why, that's the best news
I heard in a dog's age.Copy !req
50. Now you be able to spend your days
at home where you belong.Copy !req
51. Yes, but... I was...Copy !req
52. I was thinkin',
Mama, maybe I could...Copy !req
53. I could try to get another
waterboy job for a different team.Copy !req
54. Don't raise your voice to me,
Bobby Boucher.Copy !req
55. I wasn't raising my voice, Mama.Copy !req
56. I don't like confrontation
'cause I'm a Virgo.Copy !req
57. Who told you you was a Virgo?Copy !req
58. Vicki Vallencourt, that... that girl.Copy !req
59. A girl? Bobby Boucher!Copy !req
60. Don't you remember what your mama
told you about girls?Copy !req
61. I remember, Mama.Copy !req
62. There was someone else
at Lawson's Creek this morning.Copy !req
63. - Really?
- We looked for crawfish together.Copy !req
64. - Her name's Vicki.
- I don't ever want you associatin'Copy !req
65. - with little girls.
- Why not, Mama?Copy !req
66. Because little girls are the devil!Copy !req
67. Mama, it's just that I'm a waterboy.Copy !req
68. The team gets thirsty,
and I bring them the water.Copy !req
69. They need water. I likes
to be the one that brings it.Copy !req
70. They like to give you a boot
in the patoot for your trouble.Copy !req
71. Bobby, you don't have what they call
"the social skills."Copy !req
72. People don't understand you.Copy !req
73. That's why you never have any friends,
except for your mama.Copy !req
74. All I know is this, Jimmy:
Next Friday, August 29th,Copy !req
75. Baton Rouge Exposition Center,Copy !req
76. I'm gonna open a can
ofwhoop-ass on Herculon.Copy !req
77. I'm gonna drive him back into whatever
galaxy he came from. That's a promise!Copy !req
78. Strong words from a strong man,
Captain Insano.Copy !req
79. Now let's take a call. It's our
old friend from Jackson's Bayou, Mr. B.Copy !req
80. Hello, Jim. Is it possible
to speak to Captain Insano?Copy !req
81. - Shoot, Mr. B.
- Captain Insano,Copy !req
82. I notice sometimes
when you are wrestlingCopy !req
83. or openin' up a can ofwhoop-ass,
as you like to say,Copy !req
84. - you seem to be sweating profusely.
- Yeah?Copy !req
85. I was wondering if, perhaps,
you might need the servicesCopy !req
86. of an experienced waterboy.Copy !req
87. That's pretty cute.
How old are you, kid? Eleven, 12?Copy !req
88. I am 31 years old.Copy !req
89. I guarantee that guy's still a virgin.Copy !req
90. This is where
they strip the ball from us.Copy !req
91. And then we miss one tackle.Copy !req
92. Two tackles.
Joey drops the ball.Copy !req
93. He has time to pick it up and dust it
off and run in for a touchdownCopy !req
94. before our guys even know
what's goin' on.Copy !req
95. - Hello?
- My name is Bobby Boucher.Copy !req
96. I am inquiring as to whether you have
the need for an experienced waterboyCopy !req
97. on your upcoming season.Copy !req
98. Nice suit.Copy !req
99. Thank you. It was my daddy's.Copy !req
100. - Hold that thought.
- Yeah.Copy !req
101. Come on. Come here.
Come here. Come on.Copy !req
102. Come on, everybody. All right,
this is it. This is the play.Copy !req
103. This is the play.
This is the play. OK?Copy !req
104. The quarterback. Receivers
lined up to the left, one to the right.Copy !req
105. There's a flanker lined up to the left
behind the quarterback.Copy !req
106. He gives the ball...
No, he doesn't.Copy !req
107. The receiver goes
over to the left.Copy !req
108. Once the quarterback has the ball,Copy !req
109. he fakes to the left. No.Copy !req
110. He fakes to the right.
He doesn't fake.Copy !req
111. He thinks about faking.
He pretends to fake.Copy !req
112. I don't know where I am.Copy !req
113. I can't breathe.Copy !req
114. This room is getting smaller.
I have to sit down.Copy !req
115. Hang on here.
Take some water.Copy !req
116. All right, there.Copy !req
117. This is good. This is much better
than what I serve.Copy !req
118. That is the water that
you serve to your players?Copy !req
119. It is imperative that you allow me
to be your waterboy.Copy !req
120. I can't hire you.
I can't hire anybody. We're the...Copy !req
121. You do not have to pay me.
I will do it for free.Copy !req
122. Promise me that you will never
distribute the contents of thatjugCopy !req
123. - to any human person.
- That's a deal.Copy !req
124. It's a deal?Copy !req
125. Thank you so much, Coach Klein.
I will not let you down.Copy !req
126. - Good day.
- Good day.Copy !req
127. I'll see you at practice.Copy !req
128. Quit hoggin' that. Pass it over.Copy !req
129. OK.Copy !req
130. Just have the defense run sprints.Copy !req
131. Yo! Water's better cold.Copy !req
132. Yes, I agree. But to guarantee
that the H20 is purified,Copy !req
133. it's good to use
the heating source, Sterno.Copy !req
134. It's like my mama always says,
"Better safe than sorry."Copy !req
135. My mama says that too.
Aren't all mamas the same?Copy !req
136. - Yes.
- Derek.Copy !req
137. - I kick the field goals around here.
- Will you listen up?Copy !req
138. I need your cooperation.
I need it now.Copy !req
139. - Is he gonna be all right?
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.Copy !req
140. He has his good days and his bad days.Copy !req
141. Used to be assistant coach
at some big school,Copy !req
142. but he had a mental breakdown
or something. Don't worry.Copy !req
143. He'll snap out of it. Let me know
when it cools down, baby.Copy !req
144. - Yes.
- All right.Copy !req
145. Hey, did you all get a load
of the new waterboy?Copy !req
146. Let's make him feel right at home.
Jerry, go right.Copy !req
147. Casey, go left. Way left.Copy !req
148. - On one. Ready?
- Break!Copy !req
149. Set!Copy !req
150. Red 22!Copy !req
151. Red, 22!Copy !req
152. Hut!Copy !req
153. I think you zigged
when you should've zagged on that play.Copy !req
154. - Sorry.
- Hey, waterboy, check this out.Copy !req
155. Hey, waterboy!
Check this out.Copy !req
156. Well, my, my, my.
Was my little aquatic engineerCopy !req
157. about to bash one
of my football players?Copy !req
158. Well, he spit in the cooler.Copy !req
159. He happens to be
a finely tuned athletic machine.Copy !req
160. And I ain't gonna have him hit
in the head by some idiot waterboy.Copy !req
161. Do you understand me?Copy !req
162. - Are you all right?
- I wasn't gonna do nothin'.Copy !req
163. You better do something.
You gotta defend yourself.Copy !req
164. But they're finely-tuned
athletic machines.Copy !req
165. I am not telling you
to go on a shooting rampage.Copy !req
166. But you have to stand up for yourself
or they'll ride you all season long.Copy !req
167. Believe me, I've seen it myself.Copy !req
168. Hey, moron!Copy !req
169. Look at me. I'm the waterboy.Copy !req
170. I got a wooden spoon.Copy !req
171. Smell like you could use
a shower, stinky.Copy !req
172. You're fired!Copy !req
173. Stop makin' fun of me.Copy !req
174. Red, ready! Hut!Copy !req
175. - Wow!
- Damn!Copy !req
176. I'm sorry.Copy !req
177. Who that? Who there?Copy !req
178. So that's what openin' up
a can ofwhoop-ass feels like.Copy !req
179. Son, you just opened
a whole case ofwhoop-ass.Copy !req
180. I would be honored if you
play football for this team.Copy !req
181. - Me? Play football?
- Yes.Copy !req
182. Thanks, but no thanks. My mama
won't let me play no football.Copy !req
183. We're gonna go home.
You and l, we're gonna talk to Mama.Copy !req
184. Mama said... Mama said...
Mama said... Mama said...Copy !req
185. - My mama said...
- She's gonna say yes.Copy !req
186. That snake looks delicious.Copy !req
187. What part do you think
I'm about to eat?Copy !req
188. Basically, a snake don't have parts.Copy !req
189. But, if I had to call it anything,Copy !req
190. I would say it's his knee.Copy !req
191. Great. His knee.Copy !req
192. And what are we having for dessert?Copy !req
193. Squirrel.Copy !req
194. Excellent.Copy !req
195. Let's talk about Bobby
playing football.Copy !req
196. I don't like it, Mr. Coach Klein.
I don't like it one bit.Copy !req
197. My boy is too delicate
to be playin' foosball,Copy !req
198. or whatever, with them gargantuans.Copy !req
199. I don't think you understand...Copy !req
200. No, you don't understand me,
Mr. Coach Klein.Copy !req
201. My boy is all I got left.Copy !req
202. Mama, here.Copy !req
203. It's the brain pain, coach.Copy !req
204. You see, my husband Robert,Copy !req
205. one day back in 1966,
pick up sticks,Copy !req
206. and me four months pregnant
with this precious angel,Copy !req
207. he decides he wants
to help foreign peoples.Copy !req
208. He's gonna go join the Peace Corps.
He promise me everything's gonna be OK.Copy !req
209. Just like you promisin' me now.Copy !req
210. But everything wasn't OK. No.Copy !req
211. He got lost in the middle
of the Sahara Desert.Copy !req
212. And he died. He died!Copy !req
213. Couldn't get no water.
He died of the dehydration.Copy !req
214. - And we were left all alone.
- I would've gotten my daddy water,Copy !req
215. but I was just a baby
inside Mama's stomach.Copy !req
216. Now you wanna take away
the only part of Robert I have left.Copy !req
217. But don't you want the only part you've
got left to get a college education?Copy !req
218. - Nah.
- Me, a college student?Copy !req
219. Yes. Bobby, think about it.
A whole new world will open to you.Copy !req
220. Boy, Mama, that sounds nice.
Me, a college man.Copy !req
221. Coach, my Bobby's a sweet boy,Copy !req
222. but he ain't what you'd call
college material.Copy !req
223. So don't fill his head
with all those crazy dreamsCopy !req
224. of school and college
and things of that sort.Copy !req
225. But Mama, I'm tired of everybody
callin' me a dummy.Copy !req
226. I'm tired of not havin' any friends.Copy !req
227. My ass is tired ofjawin' all night.
I'm goin' to bed.Copy !req
228. Nice to meet you, Mr. Coach.
Good luck with your foosball.Copy !req
229. Bobby, after you let Mr. Coach out,
you come into my bedroom.Copy !req
230. Mama'll brush your hair.Copy !req
231. When I was your age, my mother told me
not to get a tattoo of Roy Orbison.Copy !req
232. But what Mama don't know won't hurt her.Copy !req
233. I trust you'll make the right decision.Copy !req
234. Damn, I don't want that ass on the team.Copy !req
235. Everybody's gonna laugh at us.Copy !req
236. Everybody's already laughin' at us.
We ain't won a game since 1994.Copy !req
237. - Hey! What's up, baby?
- Hey.Copy !req
238. Where's your helmet?Copy !req
239. Derek, they don't got no more helmets.Copy !req
240. Here. You can share mine.Copy !req
241. Try it on, man. See if it fits.Copy !req
242. - All right.
- Thanks, friend.Copy !req
243. What a dink.Copy !req
244. Come on! Huddle up!Copy !req
245. We have an announcement to make.
Our former waterboy, Bobby Boucher,Copy !req
246. is gonna play some linebacker for us.Copy !req
247. "I'm a football player."Copy !req
248. - Coach, I'd like to tackle him now.
- Not yet.Copy !req
249. All right. I wanna work with offense.
I wanna work with defense.Copy !req
250. - Go with Farmer Fran, do some laps.
- Shit.Copy !req
251. Line up on the ball.Copy !req
252. - All right? Third and ten.
- Third and ten?Copy !req
253. Yeah, that's
the offense's last opportunityCopy !req
254. to gain ten yards
before they have to punt.Copy !req
255. - Gee, he's gonna run the option.
- Option?Copy !req
256. He ain't never gonna be able
to figure this out.Copy !req
257. Yes, he is.Copy !req
258. Now, Bobby,
you've waterboyed for 18 years.Copy !req
259. Didn't you occasionally watch the game?Copy !req
260. I had a lot to keep me busy.Copy !req
261. Checking the pH levels,
refillin' the cups.Copy !req
262. All right. Let's just keep it simple.Copy !req
263. Casey. I want you to tackle Casey
like you did Gee yesterday.Copy !req
264. - Right now?
- Right now! Go!Copy !req
265. - Does he know about this?
- Doesn't matter. You're a warrior.Copy !req
266. Go.Copy !req
267. What you doin'?Copy !req
268. All right. Bobby, Bobby.Copy !req
269. Don't be afraid to use
all of your strength.Copy !req
270. He's resilient. He's a resilient guy.
OK? Come on.Copy !req
271. Hey, Casey,
I think he wanna make out with you.Copy !req
272. OK, that's enough. Thank you.Copy !req
273. Is there any sport that you do watch?
You know, a physical sport?Copy !req
274. - Boxing? Hockey?
- Wrestling.Copy !req
275. Wrestling! Wrestling is good.
Who's your favorite wrestler?Copy !req
276. Even though he was slightly
discourteous to me recently,Copy !req
277. I'm gonna have to say Captain Insano.Copy !req
278. OK, I want you to do to CaseyCopy !req
279. what Captain Insano does
to the bad guy. Go.Copy !req
280. - He poked me in the eye.
- Captain Insano shows no mercy.Copy !req
281. Bobby, where was the intensity
that I saw yesterday?Copy !req
282. No intensity. You said
it was all right to fight back,Copy !req
283. and I just started thinkin'
about all the peopleCopy !req
284. who'd been mean to me over the years.Copy !req
285. That's it. That's it.Copy !req
286. I want you to think about
all those mean people.Copy !req
287. - They're gonna be your tackling fuel.
- Tacklin' fuel.Copy !req
288. - We're gonna use them to play football.
- Tacklin' fuel.Copy !req
289. I want you to pretend that Casey
is insulting you.Copy !req
290. - Pretend?
- I want you to visualizeCopy !req
291. people that have been mean to you
and then attack.Copy !req
292. I want you to visualize and then attack.
Can you handle that?Copy !req
293. - I'll try.
- He's gonna try.Copy !req
294. What's the matter with you, boy?
You too stupidCopy !req
295. to do what your coach tells ya?Copy !req
296. - No!
- No what?Copy !req
297. I didn't mean to hurt you.
Coach told me to pretend.Copy !req
298. Bobby. Bobby!Copy !req
299. Can you do this for me
every single game? Can you do this?Copy !req
300. Coach, not only
will I do it for you, I...Copy !req
301. Yes, I'll do it for ya.Copy !req
302. So why you pick this class anyway?
It's pretty hard.Copy !req
303. Beautiful view.Copy !req
304. - Correct.
- All right, all right!Copy !req
305. Y'all shut up now!Copy !req
306. Now, last week, we talked aboutCopy !req
307. the physiology of the animal brain
as it pertains to aggression.Copy !req
308. Now is there anyone here
that can tell me whyCopy !req
309. most alligators
are abnormally aggressive?Copy !req
310. - I know the answer to this question.
- Raise your hand.Copy !req
311. Anybody? Anyone?Copy !req
312. Yes, sir. You, sir.Copy !req
313. Mama says that alligators are orneryCopy !req
314. 'cause they got all them teeth
but no toothbrush.Copy !req
315. Your mama said alligators are orneryCopy !req
316. 'cause they got all them teeth
and no toothbrush.Copy !req
317. Wow! Anybody else?
Yes, sir. You, sir.Copy !req
318. Alligators are aggressive because
of an enlarged medulla oblongata.Copy !req
319. - It controls aggressive behavior.
- That is correct!Copy !req
320. - The medulla oblongata.
- But Mama said...Copy !req
321. The medulla oblongata...Copy !req
322. is where anger, jealousy
and aggression come from.Copy !req
323. Now is there anybody hereCopy !req
324. can tell me where happiness comes from?Copy !req
325. - No, man.
- Anyone?Copy !req
326. All right, let's hear what
Mama has to say on the subject.Copy !req
327. Mama say that happiness
is from magic rays of sunshineCopy !req
328. that come down when you feelin' blue.Copy !req
329. Well, folks, Mama's wrong again.Copy !req
330. No, Colonel Sanders, you're wrong.
Mama's right.Copy !req
331. You're all wrong.
Mama's right. Mama's right!Copy !req
332. Somethin' wrong
with his medulla oblongata.Copy !req
333. It's OK to fight back.
Coach Klein said I could.Copy !req
334. Mr. Coach Klein said I could.
It's fine, fellas.Copy !req
335. Well, Mud Dog fans,
it's time to kick offCopy !req
336. another year of Mud Dog football.
With the weight of a 40-gameCopy !req
337. losing streak on their back,
everyone seems to be diggin' inCopy !req
338. for the long haul.Copy !req
339. - What you doin', Bobby?
- Oh, Lord, that's someCopy !req
340. heavy-duty armpit saturation. An
early warning sign of the dehydration.Copy !req
341. - You gots to have H20.
- Stop worryin' about waterCopy !req
342. and start worryin'
about the game today. Here.Copy !req
343. Now just do whatever you did
to Colonel Sanders, and you'll be fine.Copy !req
344. I will, thank you. I just...
I feel bad about lyin' to my mama.Copy !req
345. I wonder what she's doin' right now.Copy !req
346. And he's down
with a three-yard kickoff return.Copy !req
347. - The Mud Dogs offense takes the field.
- OK, you can do it.Copy !req
348. Gain some yards.
Put points on the board.Copy !req
349. Hey, Walter,
I'll bet you 50 bucksCopy !req
350. Gee Grenouille throws a touchdown pass
on the first play. Check it out.Copy !req
351. Set, blue 22, hut!Copy !req
352. You owe me 50 bucks!Copy !req
353. You said it was gonna be
a touchdown pass, you crazy asshole.Copy !req
354. Go, go, go, go! Hold 'em, hold 'em!
You can do it. Come on.Copy !req
355. Bobby, this is
just like we practiced, OK?Copy !req
356. OK, go, go, go. Come on.Copy !req
357. Watch where you're going, needle dick.Copy !req
358. Set!Copy !req
359. Time for the retard to find out
what college football's all about.Copy !req
360. 390!Copy !req
361. Check, check!Copy !req
362. - Red, 18!
- Red, 18!Copy !req
363. Needle dick! Needle dick!
Needle dick!Copy !req
364. - Yeah!
- Your name is needle dick.Copy !req
365. I knew that this was a good idea.Copy !req
366. Yes!Copy !req
367. - Timeout from the game.
- What's he calling timeout for?Copy !req
368. - What are you doin'?
- Here, this is for you. Enjoy.Copy !req
369. - Hey, waterboy, you're fired!
- Stop it!Copy !req
370. Yes! Bobby!Copy !req
371. - Yeah, man! Yeah!
- Yeah, yeah!Copy !req
372. - Slap hands!
- Whatever.Copy !req
373. Waterboy's killin' 'em.Copy !req
374. He's the best tackler
I've seen since Joe Montana.Copy !req
375. Joe Montana was a quarterback,
you idiot.Copy !req
376. I said Joe Mantegna.Copy !req
377. We're tied at seven with 30 seconds
to go in the fourth quarter.Copy !req
378. Eagle cover two. Ready?Copy !req
379. Best of luck to you
on the upcoming play.Copy !req
380. I'll be playin'
with your mama tonight.Copy !req
381. - Sixty-two.
- Blue 22, hut!Copy !req
382. Bernard drops back.
Looks like a screen pass.Copy !req
383. Sixty-two! Sixty-two!
There you are!Copy !req
384. Thank you.Copy !req
385. Number 62 is headed for the end zone.Copy !req
386. He's at the 40, 30.
He's almost...Copy !req
387. Touchdown! Reds lead.Copy !req
388. Dropkicked him.
Boucher knocked him out cold.Copy !req
389. I love my mama very much.
Now you know that.Copy !req
390. The waterboy handed them the game.
What an idiot.Copy !req
391. Waterboy, you stink!Copy !req
392. Nice job, shithead.
You just lost us the game.Copy !req
393. I'm sorry. Would you please
still be my friend?Copy !req
394. - No! Get away from me.
- OK.Copy !req
395. Excuse me? May I help you?Copy !req
396. - Hey, stud.
- Vicki Vallencourt, this is...Copy !req
397. - This is quite a pleasant surprise.
- Yeah, I just got out ofjailCopy !req
398. - and I heard you were playin' football.
- Yes, well, I've...Copy !req
399. Yes.Copy !req
400. So what say we go and get
somethin' to eat, catch up on things.Copy !req
401. Mama's not a big fan of restaurantsCopy !req
402. or of me going to one.Copy !req
403. But if you'd like, sometimes,Copy !req
404. Mama, she... she got...
on a Sunday afternoon...Copy !req
405. There's a grill
with the charcoal biscuits.Copy !req
406. - You want me to come to a barbecue?
- That's it.Copy !req
407. Sounds great.Copy !req
408. And by the way, I hope you like
what I did to your lawn mower.Copy !req
409. You know that old hag that does
astrology on Good Morning America,Copy !req
410. she ought to pack it in.
Listen what she said for Sagittarius:Copy !req
411. "You're gonna be faced
with a difficult decision today."Copy !req
412. But the thing is, we're all faced
with difficult decisions every day.Copy !req
413. - Like sayin' you're gonna eat today.
- Maybe by leaving her predictionsCopy !req
414. vague and generalized,Copy !req
415. there's less of a chance of someone
findin' out she's a phony.Copy !req
416. - Whatever, college boy.
- Don't say college boy.Copy !req
417. - Here comes Mama.
- OK.Copy !req
418. That looks nice, Mama.Copy !req
419. - Here you go, Vicki Vallencourt.
- Thank you.Copy !req
420. Mama, Vicki's an astrologist.Copy !req
421. I don't believe in that
sort of thing, personally.Copy !req
422. Astronomy is one
of the many tools of the devil.Copy !req
423. You sure played great yesterday, Bobby.Copy !req
424. What did my boy play great?Copy !req
425. Waterboy. Yeah, waterboy.
He played... He played waterboy great.Copy !req
426. Everybody who was thirsty
got a drink right away,Copy !req
427. yesterday at the...
at the football game.Copy !req
428. Foosball! Bunch of overgrown monsters
manhandling each other.Copy !req
429. Remember when that man
wanted you to play?Copy !req
430. Yeah, I... He... Roy Orbison...Copy !req
431. Coach Klein. I remember.Copy !req
432. So, Bobby, did they ever catch
that gorilla what escaped from the zooCopy !req
433. - and punched you in the eye?
- No, Mama, he...Copy !req
434. The search continues.Copy !req
435. What would you think if Bobby
did play football, Mrs. Boucher?Copy !req
436. Well, I wouldn't
think much of it at all.Copy !req
437. And to tell you the truth,
I don't think much of youCopy !req
438. and all your snotty questions,
Miss Vallencourt.Copy !req
439. I'm disturbed to see
that you're so interested in my boy.Copy !req
440. I'm very, very interested
in your boy, Mrs. Boucher.Copy !req
441. Really? Well, did he tell you
about how much his feet smell?Copy !req
442. - Mama.
- He has to wear two pair of socks.Copy !req
443. Well, men are supposed
to have stinky feet.Copy !req
444. Are men supposed to wear pajamas
featuring a cartoon characterCopy !req
445. - by the name of Deputy Dawg?
- Mama, please.Copy !req
446. Well, you know what?
I happen to find Deputy DawgCopy !req
447. to be very, very sexy.Copy !req
448. Did he tell you about
his little bedtime problem?Copy !req
449. - Mama, I'm beggin' you, don't.
- That's his sheet back there.Copy !req
450. If you'll excuse me, ladies,
I'm gonna go hang myself.Copy !req
451. - Now you see what you done?
- What I did?Copy !req
452. You listen here, cupcake.
The only woman in my boy's life is me.Copy !req
453. Nobody's gonna take him away, especially
not some godless Jezebel like you.Copy !req
454. Oh, yeah? Well, your Bobby
is a grown man. And guess what?Copy !req
455. - He can hang out with whoever he wants!
- He can. Whoever he wants.Copy !req
456. 'Cept you! Bobby,
that woman is the devil.Copy !req
457. - I want you to stay away from her.
- Yes, Mama.Copy !req
458. You come on inside before that
little ol' witch casts a spell on us!Copy !req
459. I'm sorry, Vicki Vallencourt.Copy !req
460. Whatever.Copy !req
461. When we report on the SCLSU
Mud Dogs here on SportsCenter,Copy !req
462. it's to add a number
to their losing streak,Copy !req
463. which now stands at 41. But now, Bobby
Boucher has given us another reason.Copy !req
464. In the Mud Dog's latest loss
this past Saturday,Copy !req
465. the amazing 31-year-old freshman
set a new NCAA recordCopy !req
466. by sacking the quarterback 16 times,
shattering the old record of seven.Copy !req
467. And, oh, by the way, Bobby Boucher
is also the team's waterboy,Copy !req
468. which, of course, begs the question:Copy !req
469. What exactly are they putting in the
water in Jackson's Bayou, Louisiana?Copy !req
470. We're deadlocked at three
with less than a minute to go.Copy !req
471. We are one family with one dream.Copy !req
472. There are 40 of you on this team, not
one. Bobby can't do this by himself.Copy !req
473. Get out and make something happen!
Sacrifice your bodies. Go, go, go!Copy !req
474. Thank you. Bobby, you're gonna
have to do this by yourselfCopy !req
475. because nobody
on this team is any good.Copy !req
476. Look, I can't stand losing anymore.
We've got to win one game.Copy !req
477. Go out there and make something
happen. Visualize and attack.Copy !req
478. - Visualize and attack. Please! Please!
- Yes, yes, yes, yes.Copy !req
479. Central Kentucky's down
to their third string quarterback.Copy !req
480. Good news, folks. Quarterback Tommy
Gardner does not have a broken neck.Copy !req
481. Blue 52! Blue 52! Hut!Copy !req
482. I forbid you to talk to
that enchantress. She's the devil!Copy !req
483. She's not the devil. She's the most
beautiful woman in the world.Copy !req
484. - I never said she was the devil.
- Most beautiful woman in the world!Copy !req
485. Please, don't hurt me!Copy !req
486. Follow the... Come on!Copy !req
487. You crazy man! OK, OK, OK!Copy !req
488. It's a safety!
They win, they win, they win!Copy !req
489. With the help of Boucher,
the losing streak is over!Copy !req
490. I'm so sorry, Mama.
Please forgive me.Copy !req
491. I love you so much, Mama.
I love you.Copy !req
492. - I love you too.
- We won! We won, baby!Copy !req
493. It's gonna be a big party
and you going!Copy !req
494. - Me? Party?
- Yeah, baby!Copy !req
495. Bobby! Bobby! Bobby!Copy !req
496. Hey. Nice suit.Copy !req
497. Thank you. It was my daddy's.Copy !req
498. Mama don't know I'm here,
but I took these outta the icebox:Copy !req
499. - Louisiana frog cakes.
- Thanks.Copy !req
500. - Come on in.
- Hey, Bobby Boucher!Copy !req
501. Look who's here, Sergeant Stutter.Copy !req
502. Want a beer?Copy !req
503. I'll take a Scotch and water.
Hold the Scotch.Copy !req
504. - You just make a joke, Bobby?
- Yes, I did.Copy !req
505. Good one.Copy !req
506. Now that you finally won a game, right,
you feel looser, the pressure is off.Copy !req
507. And that will lead
to a lot more victories.Copy !req
508. Yeah, that and the waterboy
getting 20 sacks a game.Copy !req
509. That too.Copy !req
510. Professor!Copy !req
511. Havin' that test on amphibians
and reptiles Friday?Copy !req
512. Yes, sir.Copy !req
513. That is, if it's all right with you.Copy !req
514. - Of course it is.
- My best regards to your dear mama.Copy !req
515. Let's talk to the waterboy.Copy !req
516. You played amazing
at the game today.Copy !req
517. And you are so cute.
Is there a girl you're seein'?Copy !req
518. Seein'?Copy !req
519. I see a lot of girls.Copy !req
520. I see a lot of guys too.Copy !req
521. I think that's sexy.Copy !req
522. Ever been with a guy and a girl
at the same time?Copy !req
523. Oh, yeah, plenty of times.
The other night,Copy !req
524. I was with my mama
and Coach Klein at the same time.Copy !req
525. You are a bad boy.
I wish you were my boyfriend.Copy !req
526. Oh, thank you, but, see,
there's this girl, Vicki Vallencourt.Copy !req
527. She may be the devil.
Mama said that. Consequently,Copy !req
528. I am prohibited from contact with her.Copy !req
529. But I hope to get past that one day
'cause she's nice to talk to.Copy !req
530. Yo, we have a very special
guest here today.Copy !req
531. Let's have a warm L.T. welcome
for Bobby Boucher. Come on, Bobby.Copy !req
532. - Thank you, Mr. Lawrence Taylor.
- Tell me, what is your secret?Copy !req
533. How do you find yourself
in the right position?Copy !req
534. That's a good question.Copy !req
535. What happens is
the center has the ball first.Copy !req
536. And the quarterback will say, "Hike."Copy !req
537. That's when the center puts the ball
in the hands of the quarterback.Copy !req
538. So, what I do is
I start tacklin' the quarterback,Copy !req
539. unless he give the ball
to somebody else, in which case,Copy !req
540. I try to tackle that person.Copy !req
541. Gentleman, which brings me
to my next point: don't smoke crack.Copy !req
542. Vicki Vallencourt.Copy !req
543. What you doin' here?Copy !req
544. Oh, nothin'.Copy !req
545. I was just thinkin' about stealin'
L.T.'s Porsche over there.Copy !req
546. But I suppose I ought to be
movin' onCopy !req
547. before I get you in trouble
with your mama.Copy !req
548. Well, Mr. Coach Klein said that
what Mama don't know won't hurt her.Copy !req
549. So maybe we could ride home together.Copy !req
550. - Really?
- If you'd like to.Copy !req
551. OK.Copy !req
552. Come sit down, if you'd like.Copy !req
553. Vicki Vallencourt, I figured,Copy !req
554. 'cause you're interested in astrology
and mystical stuff like that,Copy !req
555. you might appreciate this.Copy !req
556. That's water from a glacier in Alaska.Copy !req
557. It was blessed
by an Eskimo medicine man.Copy !req
558. - It's cold!
- Yes, it's always cold.Copy !req
559. That's why it's so special.Copy !req
560. That was...
That... That happened...Copy !req
561. That happened to be
my first time with lipsCopy !req
562. and... and... and... the tongue.Copy !req
563. That was your tongue.
I... I believe it was.Copy !req
564. I never did that before.Copy !req
565. If that was your first kiss,Copy !req
566. then I bet it's the first time
you've seen a pair of these.Copy !req
567. Yes, yes, that is
another first for me,Copy !req
568. and I appreciate what...
what you're showin' me right now.Copy !req
569. Vicki Vallencourt, I think Mama's up.Copy !req
570. Devil, devil, devil.Copy !req
571. You better get goin'.Copy !req
572. My God, Bobby. I mean, sometimes,
I just don't know why I bother with you.Copy !req
573. You ain't even a man.Copy !req
574. It looks like the Cinderella
S.C.L.S.U. Mud Dogs,Copy !req
575. led by linebacker Bobby Boucher,
are gonna fall one victory shortCopy !req
576. of that Bourbon Bowl bid.
Iowa could win the gameCopy !req
577. - by nailing this 20-yard field goal.
- But the Mud Dogs have playedCopy !req
578. a sensational football game. Look at the
way Boucher entered the Hawkeyes' drive.Copy !req
579. Here we see Boucher
instantly penetrating the pocket.Copy !req
580. There's a lot of pain
and shame in those eyes.Copy !req
581. Friends, it's all over.Copy !req
582. - My leg!
- Wow, that is a disturbing image.Copy !req
583. Difficult to watch, Chris.Copy !req
584. Mud Dogs!Copy !req
585. Gonna kick some names
and take some ass!Copy !req
586. Bobby!Copy !req
587. Water sucks. Gatorade is better.Copy !req
588. - What?
- Use it on the field.Copy !req
589. Waterboy, Waterboy, Waterboy!Copy !req
590. Gatorade not only quenches your thirst
better, it tastes better too, idiot.Copy !req
591. You're drinkin' the wrong water.Copy !req
592. - Gatorade.
- H20.Copy !req
593. - Gatorade!
- H20!Copy !req
594. Water sucks.
It really, really sucksCopy !req
595. Water sucksCopy !req
596. Stop saying that. You don't mean that.
You're bad people.Copy !req
597. And my friend, Chris, the Mud Dogs
are goin' to the Bourbon Bowl.Copy !req
598. With yesterday's come-from-behind
victory, the Mud DogsCopy !req
599. earned a New Year's Day date
with Red Beaulieu and the CougarsCopy !req
600. in the first Bourbon Bowl.
But not only has the waterboyCopy !req
601. changed S.C.L.S.U.'s fortunes,
he's got other teams lookingCopy !req
602. around the sidelines for talent.
In fact, Michigan, devastated by injury,Copy !req
603. experimented with their towel boy
at wide receiver.Copy !req
604. But the towel boy ran into
a laundry list of problems.Copy !req
605. You know, when I see
so many of you here tonight,Copy !req
606. it reminds me just about how special
this season really was.Copy !req
607. Notjust for the team.
Notjust for the students.Copy !req
608. But for each and every one of youCopy !req
609. in our small corner of Louisiana!Copy !req
610. You can do it!Copy !req
611. Oh, yes, we can,
and, yes, we will.Copy !req
612. Because we've got a young manCopy !req
613. who has been so vital to our success.Copy !req
614. A wonderful student-athlete.Copy !req
615. And a wonderful friend.Copy !req
616. Ladies and gentlemen, Bobby Boucher!Copy !req
617. - Waterboy, number one!
- You can do it!Copy !req
618. Thank you so much
for bein' my friends.Copy !req
619. You can do it!Copy !req
620. I'd also like to take
this opportunityCopy !req
621. to tell you that my mama
don't know how I play football.Copy !req
622. So if you could not tell
my mama I play football,Copy !req
623. that would be for the best.Copy !req
624. We must be a little lost.
We're tryin' to get to the Bourbon Bowl.Copy !req
625. Looks like we ended up
in Retardville, USA.Copy !req
626. Hey, waterboy,
you fixin' to tackle all of us?Copy !req
627. - Kick his water-lovin' ass, Greg.
- I asked you a question, dumb-ass.Copy !req
628. You even exhale,
and I will saw your head off.Copy !req
629. You can do it!
Cut his fucking head off!Copy !req
630. Hold it, hold it. Just a minute.
Now what is the problem here, honey?Copy !req
631. I mean, whatever it is,
we don't want this to get physical.Copy !req
632. Right, Klein?Copy !req
633. Your team actin'
like a bunch of shitheads.Copy !req
634. Not how ambassadors for the University
of Louisiana are supposed to act.Copy !req
635. So now you just get back on the bus.Copy !req
636. However, assault with a deadly weapon,Copy !req
637. very, very serious offense.Copy !req
638. Officer, get her
little country ass outta here.Copy !req
639. - Thank you, Vicki.
- Let's go.Copy !req
640. It's the waterboy.Copy !req
641. I got something for you.Copy !req
642. This is his transcript
from South Lafayette High SchoolCopy !req
643. in Cherokee Plains, Louisiana.Copy !req
644. Now the problem with thatCopy !req
645. is there ain't no South Lafayette High
School in Cherokee Plains, Louisiana.Copy !req
646. So obviously, this is a fake!Copy !req
647. However, this is not a fake.Copy !req
648. This is from the NCAA.Copy !req
649. They don't think you ought
to play football.Copy !req
650. So allow me to say this
to you one more time:Copy !req
651. You're fired.Copy !req
652. Oh, no! We suck again!Copy !req
653. Ever see a championship ring?Copy !req
654. Don't be messin' with the champ.
Come on, Laski.Copy !req
655. - You didn't go to high school?
- I was home-schooled.Copy !req
656. - I didn't know I needed...
- Forged a fake transcript.Copy !req
657. - No, I didn't.
- The waterboy's a cheater!Copy !req
658. Cut his head off!Copy !req
659. Listen, everybody!
This don't change nothin'!Copy !req
660. We played as a team, we won as a team.Copy !req
661. Just because the waterboy's a cheaterCopy !req
662. don't change the fact
that the real Mud DogsCopy !req
663. are gonna kick some Cougar ass.Copy !req
664. Mud Dogs! Mud Dogs!Copy !req
665. Mud Dogs! Mud Dogs!
Mud Dogs! Mud Dogs!Copy !req
666. Let's do it!Copy !req
667. Sorry, Bobby.Copy !req
668. Believe me, I understand.Copy !req
669. Yeah, and you're
deeply appreciated, Mr. Dodd.Copy !req
670. Thank you so much. Bye-bye.Copy !req
671. Good news. The NCAA is gonna
allow you to play in the Bourbon Bowl.Copy !req
672. - Yes.
- You have to passCopy !req
673. - the high school equivalency test.
- It's not the test, coach.Copy !req
674. Everybody... hates me.Copy !req
675. That's not true.Copy !req
676. One man said he wanted
to decapitate me.Copy !req
677. Nobody else thought that
to be too bad of an idea.Copy !req
678. Somebody made me look like a cheater.Copy !req
679. I did it. I did it.
I did it! I did it! I did it!Copy !req
680. - It was me.
- Why?Copy !req
681. Because I wanted you to play.
Because you were my way out, Bobby.Copy !req
682. It was the only way to get you in.Copy !req
683. I am so sorry.Copy !req
684. Why didn't you stick up for me
down by the river?Copy !req
685. The truth is... I fled.Copy !req
686. I came into my office,
I went under my desk, I cried.Copy !req
687. I cried.
I cried like a ten-year-old girl!Copy !req
688. Red and I have a history.Copy !req
689. Twenty years ago,
we were assistants to Coach CavanaughCopy !req
690. at the University of Louisiana.
Red ran the practicesCopy !req
691. and I used to come up with the plays.Copy !req
692. Oh, boy, was I good.Copy !req
693. I would write these foolproof plays
in my little green notebook that I had.Copy !req
694. The opposition
didn't even know what hit 'em.Copy !req
695. And when Coach Cavanaugh
was going to retire, me and Red,Copy !req
696. we knew that one of us
was gonna be his successor.Copy !req
697. - Hey, Red.
- How ya doin'?Copy !req
698. - Come by to wish me luck?
- Well, not exactly, no, no.Copy !req
699. Actually, I come by to get you
to do ol' Red a little favor.Copy !req
700. - Sure. What's up?
- Well, you know that green notebookCopy !req
701. you use to write all them
football plays in?Copy !req
702. Well, I need to show Cavanaugh that
I can come up with some good play ideas.Copy !req
703. But you didn't come up with them.Copy !req
704. They're my plays. I need them.Copy !req
705. Klein, I'm gonna have this book,
one way or another.Copy !req
706. You might as well let the thing
go, 'cause if you don't,Copy !req
707. it's gonna get awfully,
awfully physical here.Copy !req
708. And I don't think
you want that, do you?Copy !req
709. Of course, Red got the job.
Next day, fired me.Copy !req
710. Once he had my notebook,
he didn't need me.Copy !req
711. I didn't take it very well.Copy !req
712. No, Grandma, I didn't get it.Copy !req
713. I can't believe it myself.Copy !req
714. I know. I'm so numb.Copy !req
715. I just hate him,
I hate him, I hate him.Copy !req
716. That is a terrible story, coach.Copy !req
717. But why don't you just come up
with some new plays?Copy !req
718. - I tried. I can't.
- Yes.Copy !req
719. I guess I have a mental block
ever sinceCopy !req
720. Red took my playbook
and my manhood.Copy !req
721. I knew what he was gonna do!Copy !req
722. And I just didn't fight back.Copy !req
723. Well, you're gonna show him
that you're a man on Saturday.Copy !req
724. I'm gonna show everybody that
I'm not a dummy. I'm gonna go study.Copy !req
725. Mama, maybe you could stop
brushin' my hair so I can read.Copy !req
726. Read? You don't have to read.Copy !req
727. - What you readin' for?
- 'Cause I enjoys it, Mama.Copy !req
728. Don't look like to me you enjoys it,
sittin' there all grouchy.Copy !req
729. Mama, I gotta read this book
and six other books tonight,Copy !req
730. or else I can't play foot...Copy !req
731. - ... ball.
- Foosball?Copy !req
732. You playin' the foosball behind my back?Copy !req
733. The reason I'm doin' this
so I can go to school.Copy !req
734. School? You goin' to school?Copy !req
735. Sorry, Mama. I wanted to tell you.Copy !req
736. You off gallivantin' with your fancy
foosball friends at school,Copy !req
737. while I'm sittin' here all day
with nobody to keep me companyCopy !req
738. except Steve?Copy !req
739. The chickens
are comin' home to roost.Copy !req
740. You reap the fruit
of your selfish ways.Copy !req
741. You're gonna lose all your
fancy foosball gamesCopy !req
742. and you're gonna fail your big exam,
because school is...Copy !req
743. The devil?Copy !req
744. Everything is the devil to you, Mama!Copy !req
745. Well, I like school
and I like football!Copy !req
746. And I'm gonna keep doin' them both
because they make me feel good!Copy !req
747. And by the way, Mama,
alligators are orneryCopy !req
748. because of their medulla oblongata!Copy !req
749. And I like Vicki,
and she likes me back!Copy !req
750. And she showed me her boobies,
and I liked them too!Copy !req
751. The Louisiana High School
Equivalency ExaminationCopy !req
752. consists of 300
multiple choice questions.Copy !req
753. You have three hours.
Good luck to you, sir.Copy !req
754. Ben Franklin.Copy !req
755. Mama, when did Ben Franklin
invent electricity?Copy !req
756. That's nonsense!
I invented electricity.Copy !req
757. Ben Franklin is the devil!Copy !req
758. I can't believe you got a 97!Copy !req
759. I can't believe I told Mama
that I got feelings for you.Copy !req
760. Well, welcome to your manhood,
Bobby Boucher.Copy !req
761. When we get a little more time,
I'll welcome you properly.Copy !req
762. Yes, once again, I'm not quite sure
what that means, but...Copy !req
763. We should get goin'. I told Coach
I'd drive to the game with him.Copy !req
764. I was with you from two to four
last night. You tell them.Copy !req
765. Bobby, your mama got sick this mornin'.
She's in the hospital.Copy !req
766. Mama, what have I done?Copy !req
767. I'm so sorry, Mama.Copy !req
768. Doctors say they can't figure out
what's wrong with her.Copy !req
769. But I know what's wrong.Copy !req
770. She got a broken heart
because of me.Copy !req
771. Bobby, that's ridiculous.Copy !req
772. Everybody else in this town
turn on me at the drop of a hat.Copy !req
773. Mama is the only one who really cares
if I live or die.Copy !req
774. She my whole world.
Will you just leave us alone?Copy !req
775. She'll be fine, Bobby.
We better get going.Copy !req
776. God knows what the team is doing
with Farmer Fran watching.Copy !req
777. You really made it look like home.Copy !req
778. How's that, Steve?Copy !req
779. Take a look. The crowd has
never been bigger. Know why?Copy !req
780. Look who's on the television, Mama.
The devil.Copy !req
781. 500,000 intimate friends...Copy !req
782. Who that? Who there?Copy !req
783. Three, two, one!Copy !req
784. - Happy New Year!
- Happy New Year, Mama.Copy !req
785. My resolution is to
never hurt you again.Copy !req
786. Waterboy! Waterboy!Copy !req
787. Bobby Boucher, all these folks
are here tonightCopy !req
788. to tell you that they're sorry,Copy !req
789. that they're sorry for not supportin'
you when it meant the most.Copy !req
790. But you do have friends, and one of 'em
wants to say somethin'. Come on.Copy !req
791. I am not what you would call
a handsome man.Copy !req
792. The good Lord chose not
to bless meCopy !req
793. with charm, athletic abilityCopy !req
794. or a fully functional brain.Copy !req
795. You see, you're an inspirationCopy !req
796. to all of us
who weren't born handsomeCopy !req
797. and charming and cool and...Copy !req
798. - I can't! I can't!
- It's OK.Copy !req
799. Bobby, if your mama could only hear us
right now, we would tell herCopy !req
800. what a fine boy she raised,Copy !req
801. and how much your playing football
means to this town.Copy !req
802. But she can't hear you
'cause she's unconscious.Copy !req
803. I'm sorry to disappoint you all,
but please keep your voices downCopy !req
804. so my mama can get her rest.Copy !req
805. Well, wake her ass up!
We gotta win tomorrow!Copy !req
806. Mama! Thank God you're OK.
I'm so sorry.Copy !req
807. I was so bad.
You were right about everything.Copy !req
808. - I've been a knucklehead.
- Hush, baby.Copy !req
809. You should've seen this
a long time ago.Copy !req
810. - Oh, my word! Is that my daddy?
- No, no.Copy !req
811. That's a guy I dated
before I met your father.Copy !req
812. You could iron a shirt
on his stomach.Copy !req
813. Well, that was lust, not love.
Turn the page.Copy !req
814. There's your daddy.Copy !req
815. So handsome.Copy !req
816. Read on.Copy !req
817. "Dear Helen." Who's Helen?Copy !req
818. That's my first name, Bobby.Copy !req
819. "I have arrived here in New Orleans.Copy !req
820. It is even more beautiful
than in the picture book.Copy !req
821. I'm sure I'll have
no problem finding work,Copy !req
822. so you can expect my next letter
to contain lots of money.Copy !req
823. Your loving husband, Robert."
That's nice, Mama.Copy !req
824. "Dear Helen." That's you.Copy !req
825. "I found a job as a lemonade vendor,Copy !req
826. but sorry, no money yet.Copy !req
827. New Orleans is an expensive city.Copy !req
828. Expensive, but fun.
Hope all is well. Robert."Copy !req
829. "To Whom It May Concern:Copy !req
830. This will be my last letter.Copy !req
831. We have grown apart
over these last six weeks.Copy !req
832. I now have two loves in my life:Copy !req
833. Big-city livin'
and a voodoo woman named Phyllis.Copy !req
834. Ciao, Roberto."Copy !req
835. He changed his name to Roberto.Copy !req
836. I guess he thought it was more exotic.Copy !req
837. But Mama says that...
I mean, you say that...Copy !req
838. Bobby, your daddy
didn't go into no Peace Corps.Copy !req
839. He deserted us, baby.Copy !req
840. No, no, Mama. You shouldn't be dredgin'
up painful memories in your condition.Copy !req
841. Hush. Your mama's
as healthy as an ox,Copy !req
842. and as dumb as one to boot.Copy !req
843. I was so scared you'd abandon me too.Copy !req
844. And I made you abandon
all those people who depend on ya.Copy !req
845. I hid you away from the world,
Bobby Boucher.Copy !req
846. But I can't hog you
to myself no more,Copy !req
847. because everyone's seen
how wonderful you are.Copy !req
848. Oh, Mama!Copy !req
849. Now...Copy !req
850. You go play foosball
with your friends.Copy !req
851. Welcome to ABC's coverage
of the Bourbon Bowl.Copy !req
852. Good afternoon. I'm Brent Musburger
with my colleague Dan Fouts.Copy !req
853. The big story here is a game
that's lost some of its lusterCopy !req
854. without its star player,
the waterboy, Bobby Boucher.Copy !req
855. Red's got a couple
of solid early rounders out there.Copy !req
856. I know, but I really wanted to scout
that waterboy. Reminds me of Greg Lloyd.Copy !req
857. - Zack Thomas.
- Whatever.Copy !req
858. Is she ready?Copy !req
859. Oh, yeah. She's more than ready.Copy !req
860. Come on, Bobby!
You'll miss the boat!Copy !req
861. Let's go, ladies.Copy !req
862. We are underway!
The opening kickoff is a beauty!Copy !req
863. Holdsworth is gonna bring it out
from nine yards deep.Copy !req
864. Come on.Copy !req
865. Yeah!Copy !req
866. They're showing no respect
for this team without Boucher.Copy !req
867. Good reason, Brent.
109 yards untouched.Copy !req
868. Touchdown, Cougars! They strike first.Copy !req
869. Time running down in the first quarter.
Cougars lead is 17-nothing.Copy !req
870. Set!Copy !req
871. Three, 33!Copy !req
872. Three, 33! Hut!Copy !req
873. That quarterback can't
get the ball off before he's hit.Copy !req
874. It's as if they're in
the offensive huddle with him.Copy !req
875. Are you gonna finish
that hot dog, Jimmy?Copy !req
876. Now I'm not.Copy !req
877. Mama, you think
we'll make it on time?Copy !req
878. Hang on! I'll show you what
A.J. Foyt taught me.Copy !req
879. The end of the half.
The Cougars are dominating.Copy !req
880. Let's hope the Mud Dogs
can make some adjustments.Copy !req
881. Well, they better, because they suck.Copy !req
882. Anybody got an idea?Copy !req
883. Hey.Copy !req
884. Remember the time Bobby tackled
the referee by mistake?Copy !req
885. Yeah, that was pretty funny.Copy !req
886. How about the time he tackled
the guy from LouisvilleCopy !req
887. and threw him into the stands?Copy !req
888. Y'all remember when he intercepted
the ball and his pants fell off?Copy !req
889. And then he ran
for the touchdown bare-assed.Copy !req
890. Remember when Bobby Boucher
showed up at halftimeCopy !req
891. and Mud Dogs won the Bourbon Bowl?Copy !req
892. Hey, sorry about givin' you
so much shit this year.Copy !req
893. You're the heart and soul
of this team, Bobby.Copy !req
894. The only one of us
who could've passed that test.Copy !req
895. Thank you all so much
for being my friends.Copy !req
896. Let's wait till later to hold hands
and kiss. We got a bowl game to win.Copy !req
897. - Yeah!
- Two, three!Copy !req
898. Mud Dogs!Copy !req
899. In a dramatic turn of events,
Bobby Boucherjust arrived at halftime.Copy !req
900. And on a fan boat, Brent. His mother
drove him right into the stadium.Copy !req
901. Waterboy! Waterboy!Copy !req
902. Foosball's not for the devil.Copy !req
903. It's for my Bobby.Copy !req
904. Time to open up some whoop-ass.Copy !req
905. Shit, he showed up.
All right, look.Copy !req
906. Just relax. Relax.Copy !req
907. Go in there and do exactly
like we planned. Go, go, go!Copy !req
908. This could be the start
of some high drama.Copy !req
909. Or are the Mud Dogs too far behind?
Bobby Boucher is on defense.Copy !req
910. The Cougars are coming out
from their own 20-yard line.Copy !req
911. The pitch. It's a reverse!Copy !req
912. Boucher's not fooled.Copy !req
913. Fumble! Robideaux's got it!Copy !req
914. Touchdown, Mud Dogs!Copy !req
915. - Boucher knocked the poop out of him.
- "Poop"?Copy !req
916. Slap hands! Slap hands!Copy !req
917. Drink up, now. I want you girls
to sober up. Have faith in my Bobby.Copy !req
918. The Mud Dogs are faced
with yet another third and long.Copy !req
919. - Hut!
- Grenouille back to pass.Copy !req
920. He's gonna be stuffed again!
The Mud Dogs offenseCopy !req
921. is still unable to move that ball.
But the way their defense is fired up,Copy !req
922. they still have a shot
at winning this game.Copy !req
923. Look. Now what if we...Copy !req
924. Trust me. Go, go, go, go, go.Copy !req
925. The Cougars lead 27-7
in the middle of the third quarter.Copy !req
926. And he takes a knee?Copy !req
927. Y'all gonna play or what?Copy !req
928. How do you all like my new offense?Copy !req
929. All right, it's second and 12,
as the Cougars line up on the ball.Copy !req
930. What is Red Beaulieu doing,
refusing to play offense?Copy !req
931. - Dan, this is bizarre.
- No, it's not, Brent.Copy !req
932. It's brilliant. Red is
taking the Waterboy out of the game.Copy !req
933. By kneeling down
three times and punting,Copy !req
934. he'll make the Mud Dog
offense try to beat him.Copy !req
935. The way they're playing,
that's impossible.Copy !req
936. The Mud Dog's most valuable player,Copy !req
937. the linebacker they call "The Waterboy,"
is now powerless.Copy !req
938. That means Coach Klein will have
to find another way to outfox Red.Copy !req
939. Mud Dogs call a timeout.Copy !req
940. Mr. Coach Klein. Mr. Coach Klein!
Mr. Coach Klein!Copy !req
941. - Where are you going?
- I was just gonna get a hot pretzel.Copy !req
942. Mr. Coach Klein,
are you afraid of Red Beaulieu?Copy !req
943. I am petrified of him.Copy !req
944. Well, why don't you pretend
that Red BeaulieuCopy !req
945. is somebody that you're not afraid of.Copy !req
946. - Pretend?
- Yes.Copy !req
947. Visualize somebody you're not afraid of.Copy !req
948. - And then attack, like you told me.
- I'll try.Copy !req
949. He's right over there.Copy !req
950. Little baby. Yeah.Copy !req
951. Hello, little baby.Copy !req
952. A poo-poo?
Do you have a poo-poo?Copy !req
953. Yes. OK. Now.Copy !req
954. This is what we're gonna do.
He's gonna come here...Copy !req
955. Come and get this one, Cougars.Copy !req
956. Red 22! Hike!Copy !req
957. Snap to Grenouille. A reverse!Copy !req
958. No, it's a double reverse!
Oh, what a block!Copy !req
959. And Bugge springs free!
Trouble! Lateral!Copy !req
960. Got him! What a play!Copy !req
961. Grenouille to the 15, the ten,
the five!Copy !req
962. - Touchdown, Mud Dogs!
- Well, well, well.Copy !req
963. Coach Klein does have
a few tricks up his sleeve.Copy !req
964. What the hell...
What the hell is this?Copy !req
965. We go from a championship
football team to a bunch of dogs!Copy !req
966. Right now, we're going to go
to the sidelines and Lynn Swann.Copy !req
967. - What do you have for us?
- I'm with Vicki Vallencourt,Copy !req
968. taking over Bobby Boucher's
water duties for this game.Copy !req
969. I'm not takin' over.
I'm just tryin' not to screw up too bad.Copy !req
970. Let me ask you. What's your prediction
for the rest of this game?Copy !req
971. - Mud Dogs are gonna win, 30-27.
- That's very interesting.Copy !req
972. - How'd you come up with that guess?
- Guess? That ain't no guess!Copy !req
973. - That's what it's gonna be.
- OK. That's fine.Copy !req
974. Be careful down there.Copy !req
975. All right. Where's Meaney?Copy !req
976. - Meaney?
- Here, coach.Copy !req
977. Get in there and see
if that waterboy can stop you.Copy !req
978. - Yes, sir!
- Go!Copy !req
979. Red is sending his best defender in as a
running back? What do you make of this?Copy !req
980. He's gotta find some way
to neutralize the Waterboy.Copy !req
981. He probably thinks Meaney
will pound it in thereCopy !req
982. - like Fridge did for the Bears.
- Hey, Waterboy!Copy !req
983. Is your girlfriend
gonna save you again?Copy !req
984. No. I'll take matters
into my own hands. You'll see.Copy !req
985. Bring it to the hole!
Your ass is mine!Copy !req
986. You sound like a big choo-choo train.Copy !req
987. Power bomb,
compliments of Captain Insano.Copy !req
988. All right, field goal.
Field goal. Go.Copy !req
989. - Derek. Derek!
- Yeah.Copy !req
990. Visualize the attack.
Go kick the ball. Kick it.Copy !req
991. Hut!Copy !req
992. How you doin', boy?Copy !req
993. No, no, no!Copy !req
994. What the hell is that?Copy !req
995. What the hell is he up to?
That ain't in here!Copy !req
996. Down by ten late in the fourth quarter,
Coach Klein opts for the field goal.Copy !req
997. They have to hope for the onside kick
and a touchdown to tie the game.Copy !req
998. Dan, look what we have here.
Boucher's in the game as a blocker.Copy !req
999. Last game of the year.
Can't hold anything back now.Copy !req
1000. Set!Copy !req
1001. The snap. It's a fake!Copy !req
1002. Boucher's out in front!
A great block!Copy !req
1003. And a second one!
Touchdown, Mud Dogs!Copy !req
1004. Boucher led him all the way!Copy !req
1005. Red Beaulieu is steaming, Dan.Copy !req
1006. He sees his perfect season
slipping away.Copy !req
1007. The Cougars' lead is down to three.Copy !req
1008. Mud Dogs need the ball if they're
gonna have a shot at overtime.Copy !req
1009. And Bobby Boucher
is now on the kickoff team.Copy !req
1010. Last game of the year.
Can't hold anything back.Copy !req
1011. I know.Copy !req
1012. Who's it gonna be?Copy !req
1013. Who's it gonna be?
Who's it gonna be?Copy !req
1014. Oh, yeah. There's my bitch.Copy !req
1015. The ball must travel ten yards.Copy !req
1016. It's loose!Copy !req
1017. - Mud Dogs football! Mud Dogs football!
- All right!Copy !req
1018. - Mama, I got the football! I got it...
- What a vicious hit!Copy !req
1019. That was a cheap shot.Copy !req
1020. What a dumb penalty. That puts the Mud
Dogs in field goal range for the tie.Copy !req
1021. - I'm not sure Boucher can get up.
- Oh, my baby!Copy !req
1022. It's still cold.Copy !req
1023. Excuse me. Out of my way.Copy !req
1024. Dan, you hate to see this happen.Copy !req
1025. Now that's high quality H20.Copy !req
1026. You go on, now!
Make it happen, Bobby!Copy !req
1027. The Waterboy just needed some water.Copy !req
1028. Wow, Dan. You think that up
all by yourself?Copy !req
1029. Shut up, Brent.Copy !req
1030. - You OK?
- He tried to open a can ofwhoop-ass.Copy !req
1031. - I wouldn't let him.
- I have an idea for the last play.Copy !req
1032. You haven't done this before.
The offense is gonna line up like this.Copy !req
1033. - You're gonna be right here.
- There'll be no tie here today.Copy !req
1034. Coach Klein is sending
his offense back onto the field.Copy !req
1035. - He's going for the win right now.
- This is a real gutsy call, Brent.Copy !req
1036. He'll either be a hero
or a goat because of this.Copy !req
1037. And Dan,
Bobby Boucher is back on the field.Copy !req
1038. He is now playing offense!
We know. We know.Copy !req
1039. Meaney, if they give
that Waterboy the football,Copy !req
1040. I don't care if you have to stab him!
Do not let him get away. Understand?Copy !req
1041. - Yes, sir. Yes, sir!
- Do you understand me? Get in there!Copy !req
1042. Break!Copy !req
1043. - I'm ready, friend.
- Let's do it, Bobby.Copy !req
1044. Set! Set!Copy !req
1045. Forty-three! Red 43!
Hut, hut!Copy !req
1046. Touchdown! They won it!
The Mud Dogs win it!Copy !req
1047. Bobby Boucher's the hero!
He's gone from waterboy to savior!Copy !req
1048. Because he didn't
hold anything back!Copy !req
1049. Swannie's down on the field
with our hero, so let's go to Lynn now!Copy !req
1050. We did it! I can't believe it!
I can't believe it!Copy !req
1051. - Vicki, I love you!
- I love you, too, baby.Copy !req
1052. We're the champions!Copy !req
1053. Mr. Coach Klein, you got your manhood!
You got your manhood!Copy !req
1054. Bobby, congratulations.
You're the MVP of the Bourbon Bowl.Copy !req
1055. - How do you feel?
- I love Mama!Copy !req
1056. - Way to go, Bobby.
- Lookin' sharp, Bobby.Copy !req
1057. You the man, Bobby!Copy !req
1058. Bobby, I've been dreading
this day for a long time.Copy !req
1059. - But you got yourself a fine woman.
- Thank you, Mama.Copy !req
1060. Good luck, son.Copy !req
1061. This is the best day of my life!Copy !req
1062. - You just wait till tonight.
- What's gonna happen tonight?Copy !req
1063. - You'll see.
- You can do it!Copy !req
1064. You can do it all night long!Copy !req
1065. I'm gonna go do it!Copy !req
1066. Bobby, it's me!Copy !req
1067. - Your daddy, Roberto.
- Daddy?Copy !req
1068. I've seen you on the ESPN
when they was talkin' aboutCopy !req
1069. - you being drafted by the NFL.
- Not going to the NFL.Copy !req
1070. I'm gonna stay in school and graduate.Copy !req
1071. The hell with school, dopey! Take the
money! You and me could be partners,Copy !req
1072. just like that Tiger Woods
and his daddy.Copy !req
1073. - Nice hit, Mama.
- Thanks, baby.Copy !req
1074. Now you go on and have some fun
becoming a man.Copy !req