1. Cut his ass.Copy !req
2. Let's go!Copy !req
3. Heads up! That's it, that's it!Copy !req
4. That's it!Copy !req
5. - Hey, coach, how you been?
- Lynn Swann.Copy !req
6. Now why ain't I surprised
to see you snoopin' aroundCopy !req
7. my football field first day of practice?Copy !req
8. You got a good-lookin' football team.Copy !req
9. Maybe good enough to add another trophy
to the old case downstairs.Copy !req
10. Kinda like my old man
told me one time, Lynn.Copy !req
11. "The only thing better than a crawfish
dinner is five crawfish dinners."Copy !req
12. Hey, here comes the shithead.Copy !req
13. It's clean.Copy !req
14. It's cold.Copy !req
15. Now that's what I call
high-quality H20.Copy !req
16. Right in the head!Copy !req
17. It's over there!Copy !req
18. Any unused magic in that legendary
green playbook of yours, Red?Copy !req
19. I may have a couple
squirreled away in there for...Copy !req
20. a rainy day.Copy !req
21. See what we got here.Copy !req
22. Not exactly what I'd call
constructive criticism.Copy !req
23. Smell like you could use
a shower, stinky.Copy !req
24. Listen, you could think what
you want about my personal hygiene,Copy !req
25. but, please, don't waste any water.Copy !req
26. That's bad policy. If you need
to amuse yourself at my expense,Copy !req
27. just rough me up or something.Copy !req
28. Fair enough.Copy !req
29. Hey, waterboy!Copy !req
30. Seriously, I could injure myself.Copy !req
31. Laski, get over here!Copy !req
32. Yes, sir, coach.Copy !req
33. What is that moron doin' here?Copy !req
34. Didn't I tell you as plain as I could
speak to get rid of his ass last year?Copy !req
35. I didn't think you were serious.
Besides, he does a great job.Copy !req
36. Disrupting my football team, you idiot!Copy !req
37. Eighteen years of this is enough!Copy !req
38. Hey, waterboy!Copy !req
39. - Yes, Mr. Coach Beaulieu.
- You're fired!Copy !req
40. OK.Copy !req
41. Get out of the way, you moron!Copy !req
42. Bobby Boucher,
come give your mama a kiss.Copy !req
43. Hi, Steve.Copy !req
44. Why you home so early,
my precious angel?Copy !req
45. Mama, somethin' bad happened today.Copy !req
46. Somebody hurt you, my boy? Who hurt
you? You tell Mama who hurt you.Copy !req
47. Nobody, Mama. It's just thatCopy !req
48. I lost my position as the team's
water distribution engineer.Copy !req
49. Why, that's the best news
I heard in a dog's age.Copy !req
50. Now you be able to spend your days
at home where you belong.Copy !req
51. Yes, but... I was...Copy !req
52. I was thinkin',
Mama, maybe I could...Copy !req
53. I could try to get another
waterboy job for a different team.Copy !req
54. Don't raise your voice to me,
Bobby Boucher.Copy !req
55. I wasn't raising my voice, Mama.Copy !req
56. I don't like confrontation
'cause I'm a Virgo.Copy !req
57. Who told you you was a Virgo?Copy !req
58. Vicki Vallencourt, that... that girl.Copy !req
59. A girl? Bobby Boucher!Copy !req
60. Don't you remember what your mama
told you about girls?Copy !req
61. I remember, Mama.Copy !req
62. There was someone else
at Lawson's Creek this morning.Copy !req
63. - Really?
- We looked for crawfish together.Copy !req
64. - Her name's Vicki.
- I don't ever want you associatin'Copy !req
65. - with little girls.
- Why not, Mama?Copy !req
66. Because little girls are the devil!Copy !req
67. Mama, it's just that I'm a waterboy.Copy !req
68. The team gets thirsty,
and I bring them the water.Copy !req
69. They need water. I likes
to be the one that brings it.Copy !req
70. They like to give you a boot
in the patoot for your trouble.Copy !req
71. Bobby, you don't have what they call
"the social skills."Copy !req
72. People don't understand you.Copy !req
73. That's why you never have any friends,
except for your mama.Copy !req
74. All I know is this, Jimmy:
Next Friday, August 29th,Copy !req
75. Baton Rouge Exposition Center,Copy !req
76. I'm gonna open a can
of whoop-ass on Herculon.Copy !req
77. I'm gonna drive him back into whatever
galaxy he came from. That's a promise!Copy !req
78. Strong words from a strong man,
Captain Insano.Copy !req
79. Now let's take a call. It's our
old friend from Jackson's Bayou, Mr. B.Copy !req
80. Hello, Jim. Is it possible
to speak to Captain Insano?Copy !req
81. - Shoot, Mr. B.
- Captain Insano,Copy !req
82. I notice sometimes
when you are wrestlingCopy !req
83. or openin' up a can of whoop-ass,
as you like to say,Copy !req
84. - you seem to be sweating profusely.
- Yeah?Copy !req
85. I was wondering if, perhaps,
you might need the servicesCopy !req
86. of an experienced waterboy.Copy !req
87. That's pretty cute.
How old are you, kid? Eleven, 12?Copy !req
88. I am 31 years old.Copy !req
89. I guarantee that guy's still a virgin.Copy !req
90. This is where
they strip the ball from us.Copy !req
91. And then we miss one tackle.Copy !req
92. Two tackles.
Joey drops the ball.Copy !req
93. He has time to pick it up and dust it
off and run in for a touchdownCopy !req
94. before our guys even know
what's goin' on.Copy !req
95. - Hello?
- My name is Bobby Boucher.Copy !req
96. I am inquiring as to whether you have
the need for an experienced waterboyCopy !req
97. on your upcoming season.Copy !req
98. Nice suit.Copy !req
99. Thank you. It was my daddy's.Copy !req
100. - Hold that thought.
- Yeah.Copy !req
101. Come on. Come here.
Come here. Come on.Copy !req
102. Come on, everybody. All right,
this is it. This is the play.Copy !req
103. This is the play.
This is the play. OK?Copy !req
104. The quarterback. Receivers
lined up to the left, one to the right.Copy !req
105. There's a flanker lined up to the left
behind the quarterback.Copy !req
106. He gives the ball...
No, he doesn't.Copy !req
107. The receiver goes
over to the left.Copy !req
108. Once the quarterback has the ball,Copy !req
109. he fakes to the left. No.Copy !req
110. He fakes to the right.
He doesn't fake.Copy !req
111. He thinks about faking.
He pretends to fake.Copy !req
112. I don't know where I am.Copy !req
113. I can't breathe.Copy !req
114. This room is getting smaller.
I have to sit down.Copy !req
115. Hang on here.
Take some water.Copy !req
116. All right, there.Copy !req
117. This is good. This is much better
than what I serve.Copy !req
118. That is the water that
you serve to your players?Copy !req
119. It is imperative that you allow me
to be your waterboy.Copy !req
120. I can't hire you.
I can't hire anybody. We're the...Copy !req
121. You do not have to pay me.
I will do it for free.Copy !req
122. Promise me that you will never
distribute the contents of that jugCopy !req
123. - to any human person.
- That's a deal.Copy !req
124. It's a deal?Copy !req
125. Thank you so much, Coach Klein.
I will not let you down.Copy !req
126. - Good day.
- Good day.Copy !req
127. I'll see you at practice.Copy !req
128. Quit hoggin' that. Pass it over.Copy !req
129. OK.Copy !req
130. Just have the defense run sprints.Copy !req
131. Yo! Water's better cold.Copy !req
132. Yes, I agree. But to guarantee
that the H20 is purified,Copy !req
133. it's good to use
the heating source, Sterno.Copy !req
134. It's like my mama always says,
"Better safe than sorry."Copy !req
135. My mama says that too.
Aren't all mamas the same?Copy !req
136. - Yes.
- Derek.Copy !req
137. - I kick the field goals around here.
- Will you listen up?Copy !req
138. I need your cooperation.
I need it now.Copy !req
139. - Is he gonna be all right?
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.Copy !req
140. He has his good days and his bad days.Copy !req
141. Used to be assistant coach
at some big school,Copy !req
142. but he had a mental breakdown
or something. Don't worry.Copy !req
143. He'll snap out of it. Let me know
when it cools down, baby.Copy !req
144. - Yes.
- All right.Copy !req
145. Hey, did you all get a load
of the new waterboy?Copy !req
146. Let's make him feel right at home.
Jerry, go right.Copy !req
147. Casey, go left. Way left.Copy !req
148. - On one. Ready?
- Break!Copy !req
149. Set!Copy !req
150. Red 22!Copy !req
151. Red, 22!Copy !req
152. Hut!Copy !req
153. I think you zigged
when you should've zagged on that play.Copy !req
154. - Sorry.
- Hey, waterboy, check this out.Copy !req
155. Hey, waterboy!
Check this out.Copy !req
156. Well, my, my, my.
Was my little aquatic engineerCopy !req
157. about to bash one
of my football players?Copy !req
158. Well, he spit in the cooler.Copy !req
159. He happens to be
a finely tuned athletic machine.Copy !req
160. And I ain't gonna have him hit
in the head by some idiot waterboy.Copy !req
161. Do you understand me?Copy !req
162. - Are you all right?
- I wasn't gonna do nothin'.Copy !req
163. You better do something.
You gotta defend yourself.Copy !req
164. But they're finely-tuned
athletic machines.Copy !req
165. I am not telling you
to go on a shooting rampage.Copy !req
166. But you have to stand up for yourself
or they'll ride you all season long.Copy !req
167. Believe me, I've seen it myself.Copy !req
168. Hey, moron!Copy !req
169. Hey, moron!Copy !req
170. Look at me. I'm the waterboy.Copy !req
171. I got a wooden spoon.Copy !req
172. Smell like you could use
a shower, stinky.Copy !req
173. You're fired!Copy !req
174. Stop makin' fun of me.Copy !req
175. Red, ready! Hut!Copy !req
176. - Wow!
- Damn!Copy !req
177. I'm sorry.Copy !req
178. Who that? Who there?Copy !req
179. So that's what openin' up
a can of whoop-ass feels like.Copy !req
180. Son, you just opened
a whole case of whoop-ass.Copy !req
181. I would be honored if you
play football for this team.Copy !req
182. - Me? Play football?
- Yes.Copy !req
183. Thanks, but no thanks. My mama
won't let me play no football.Copy !req
184. We're gonna go home.
You and I, we're gonna talk to Mama.Copy !req
185. Mama said... Mama said...
Mama said... Mama said...Copy !req
186. - My mama said...
- She's gonna say yes.Copy !req
187. That snake looks delicious.Copy !req
188. What part do you think
I'm about to eat?Copy !req
189. Basically, a snake don't have parts.Copy !req
190. But, if I had to call it anything,Copy !req
191. I would say it's his knee.Copy !req
192. Great. His knee.Copy !req
193. And what are we having for dessert?Copy !req
194. Squirrel.Copy !req
195. Excellent.Copy !req
196. Let's talk about Bobby
playing football.Copy !req
197. I don't like it, Mr. Coach Klein.
I don't like it one bit.Copy !req
198. My boy is too delicate
to be playin' foosball,Copy !req
199. or whatever, with them gargantuans.Copy !req
200. I don't think you understand...Copy !req
201. No, you don't understand me,
Mr. Coach Klein.Copy !req
202. My boy is all I got left.Copy !req
203. Mama, here.Copy !req
204. It's the brain pain, coach.Copy !req
205. You see, my husband Robert,Copy !req
206. one day back in 1966,
pick up sticks,Copy !req
207. and me four months pregnant
with this precious angel,Copy !req
208. he decides he wants
to help foreign peoples.Copy !req
209. He's gonna go join the Peace Corps.
He promise me everything's gonna be OK.Copy !req
210. Just like you promisin' me now.Copy !req
211. But everything wasn't OK. No.Copy !req
212. He got lost in the middle
of the Sahara Desert.Copy !req
213. And he died. He died!Copy !req
214. Couldn't get no water.
He died of the dehydration.Copy !req
215. - And we were left all alone.
- I would've gotten my daddy water,Copy !req
216. but I was just a baby
inside Mama's stomach.Copy !req
217. Now you wanna take away
the only part of Robert I have left.Copy !req
218. But don't you want the only part you've
got left to get a college education?Copy !req
219. - Nah.
- Me, a college student?Copy !req
220. Yes. Bobby, think about it.
A whole new world will open to you.Copy !req
221. Boy, Mama, that sounds nice.
Me, a college man.Copy !req
222. Coach, my Bobby's a sweet boy,Copy !req
223. but he ain't what you'd call
college material.Copy !req
224. So don't fill his head
with all those crazy dreamsCopy !req
225. of school and college
and things of that sort.Copy !req
226. But Mama, I'm tired of everybody
callin' me a dummy.Copy !req
227. I'm tired of not havin' any friends.Copy !req
228. My ass is tired ofjawin' all night.
I'm goin' to bed.Copy !req
229. Nice to meet you, Mr. Coach.
Good luck with your foosball.Copy !req
230. Bobby, after you let Mr. Coach out,
you come into my bedroom.Copy !req
231. Mama'll brush your hair.Copy !req
232. When I was your age, my mother told me
not to get a tattoo of Roy Orbison.Copy !req
233. But what Mama don't know won't hurt her.Copy !req
234. I trust you'll make the right decision.Copy !req
235. Damn, I don't want that ass on the team.Copy !req
236. Everybody's gonna laugh at us.Copy !req
237. Everybody's already laughin' at us.
We ain't won a game since 1994.Copy !req
238. - Hey! What's up, baby?
- Hey.Copy !req
239. Where's your helmet?Copy !req
240. Derek, they don't got no more helmets.Copy !req
241. Here. You can share mine.Copy !req
242. Try it on, man. See if it fits.Copy !req
243. - All right.
- Thanks, friend.Copy !req
244. What a dink.Copy !req
245. Come on! Huddle up!Copy !req
246. We have an announcement to make.
Our former waterboy, Bobby Boucher,Copy !req
247. is gonna play some linebacker for us.Copy !req
248. "I'm a football player."Copy !req
249. - Coach, I'd like to tackle him now.
- Not yet.Copy !req
250. All right. I wanna work with offense.
I wanna work with defense.Copy !req
251. - Go with Farmer Fran, do some laps.
- Shit.Copy !req
252. Line up on the ball.Copy !req
253. Line up on the ball.Copy !req
254. - All right? Third and ten.
- Third and ten?Copy !req
255. Yeah, that's
the offense's last opportunityCopy !req
256. to gain ten yards
before they have to punt.Copy !req
257. - Gee, he's gonna run the option.
- Option?Copy !req
258. He ain't never gonna be able
to figure this out.Copy !req
259. Yes, he is.Copy !req
260. Now, Bobby,
you've waterboyed for 18 years.Copy !req
261. Didn't you occasionally watch the game?Copy !req
262. I had a lot to keep me busy.Copy !req
263. Checking the pH levels,
refillin' the cups.Copy !req
264. All right. Let's just keep it simple.Copy !req
265. Casey. I want you to tackle Casey
like you did Gee yesterday.Copy !req
266. - Right now?
- Right now! Go!Copy !req
267. - Does he know about this?
- Doesn't matter. You're a warrior.Copy !req
268. Go.Copy !req
269. What you doin'?Copy !req
270. All right. Bobby, Bobby.Copy !req
271. Don't be afraid to use
all of your strength.Copy !req
272. He's resilient. He's a resilient guy.
OK? Come on.Copy !req
273. Hey, Casey,
I think he wanna make out with you.Copy !req
274. OK, that's enough. Thank you.Copy !req
275. Is there any sport that you do watch?
You know, a physical sport?Copy !req
276. - Boxing? Hockey?
- Wrestling.Copy !req
277. Wrestling! Wrestling is good.
Who's your favorite wrestler?Copy !req
278. Even though he was slightly
discourteous to me recently,Copy !req
279. I'm gonna have to say Captain Insano.Copy !req
280. OK, I want you to do to CaseyCopy !req
281. what Captain Insano does
to the bad guy. Go.Copy !req
282. - He poked me in the eye.
- Captain Insano shows no mercy.Copy !req
283. Bobby, where was the intensity
that I saw yesterday?Copy !req
284. No intensity. You said
it was all right to fight back,Copy !req
285. and I just started thinkin'
about all the peopleCopy !req
286. who'd been mean to me over the years.Copy !req
287. That's it. That's it.Copy !req
288. I want you to think about
all those mean people.Copy !req
289. - They're gonna be your tackling fuel.
- Tacklin' fuel.Copy !req
290. - We're gonna use them to play football.
- Tacklin' fuel.Copy !req
291. I want you to pretend that Casey
is insulting you.Copy !req
292. - Pretend?
- I want you to visualizeCopy !req
293. people that have been mean to you
and then attack.Copy !req
294. I want you to visualize and then attack.
Can you handle that?Copy !req
295. - I'll try.
- He's gonna try.Copy !req
296. What's the matter with you, boy?
You too stupidCopy !req
297. to do what your coach tells ya?Copy !req
298. - No!
- No what?Copy !req
299. I didn't mean to hurt you.
Coach told me to pretend.Copy !req
300. Bobby. Bobby!Copy !req
301. Can you do this for me
every single game? Can you do this?Copy !req
302. Coach, not only
will I do it for you, I...Copy !req
303. Yes, I'll do it for ya.Copy !req
304. So why you pick this class anyway?
It's pretty hard.Copy !req
305. Beautiful view.Copy !req
306. - Correct.
- All right, all right!Copy !req
307. Y'all shut up now!Copy !req
308. Now, last week, we talked aboutCopy !req
309. the physiology of the animal brain
as it pertains to aggression.Copy !req
310. Now is there anyone here
that can tell me whyCopy !req
311. most alligators
are abnormally aggressive?Copy !req
312. - I know the answer to this question.
- Raise your hand.Copy !req
313. Anybody? Anyone?Copy !req
314. Yes, sir. You, sir.Copy !req
315. Mama says that alligators are orneryCopy !req
316. 'cause they got all them teeth
but no toothbrush.Copy !req
317. Your mama said alligators are orneryCopy !req
318. 'cause they got all them teeth
and no toothbrush.Copy !req
319. Wow! Anybody else?
Yes, sir. You, sir.Copy !req
320. Alligators are aggressive because
of an enlarged medulla oblongata.Copy !req
321. - It controls aggressive behavior.
- That is correct!Copy !req
322. - The medulla oblongata.
- But Mama said...Copy !req
323. The medulla oblongata...Copy !req
324. is where anger, jealousy
and aggression come from.Copy !req
325. Now is there anybody hereCopy !req
326. can tell me where happiness comes from?Copy !req
327. - No, man.
- Anyone?Copy !req
328. All right, let's hear what
Mama has to say on the subject.Copy !req
329. Mama say that happiness
is from magic rays of sunshineCopy !req
330. that come down when you feelin' blue.Copy !req
331. Well, folks, Mama's wrong again.Copy !req
332. No, Colonel Sanders, you're wrong.
Mama's right.Copy !req
333. You're all wrong.
Mama's right. Mama's right!Copy !req
334. Somethin' wrong
with his medulla oblongata.Copy !req
335. It's OK to fight back.
Coach Klein said I could.Copy !req
336. Mr. Coach Klein said I could.
It's fine, fellas.Copy !req
337. Well, Mud Dog fans,
it's time to kick offCopy !req
338. another year of Mud Dog football.
With the weight of a 40-gameCopy !req
339. losing streak on their back,
everyone seems to be diggin' inCopy !req
340. for the long haul.Copy !req
341. - What you doin', Bobby?
- Oh, Lord, that's someCopy !req
342. heavy-duty armpit saturation. An
early warning sign of the dehydration.Copy !req
343. - You gots to have H20.
- Stop worryin' about waterCopy !req
344. and start worryin'
about the game today. Here.Copy !req
345. Now just do whatever you did
to Colonel Sanders, and you'll be fine.Copy !req
346. I will, thank you. I just...
I feel bad about lyin' to my mama.Copy !req
347. I wonder what she's doin' right now.Copy !req
348. And he's down
with a three-yard kickoff return.Copy !req
349. - The Mud Dogs offense takes the field.
- OK, you can do it.Copy !req
350. Gain some yards.
Put points on the board.Copy !req
351. Hey, Walter,
I'll bet you 50 bucksCopy !req
352. Gee Grenouille throws a touchdown pass
on the first play. Check it out.Copy !req
353. Set, blue 22, hut!Copy !req
354. You owe me 50 bucks!Copy !req
355. You said it was gonna be
a touchdown pass, you crazy asshole.Copy !req
356. Go, go, go, go! Hold 'em, hold 'em!
You can do it. Come on.Copy !req
357. Bobby, this is
just like we practiced, OK?Copy !req
358. OK, go, go, go. Come on.Copy !req
359. Watch where you're going, needle dick.Copy !req
360. Set!Copy !req
361. Time for the retard to find out
what college football's all about.Copy !req
362. 390!Copy !req
363. Check, check!Copy !req
364. - Red, 18!
- Red, 18!Copy !req
365. Needle dick! Needle dick!
Needle dick!Copy !req
366. - Yeah!
- Your name is needle dick.Copy !req
367. I knew that this was a good idea.Copy !req
368. Yes!Copy !req
369. - Timeout from the game.
- What's he calling timeout for?Copy !req
370. - What are you doin'?
- Here, this is for you. Enjoy.Copy !req
371. - Hey, waterboy, you're fired!
- Stop it!Copy !req
372. Yes! Bobby!Copy !req
373. - Yeah, man! Yeah!
- Yeah, yeah!Copy !req
374. - Slap hands!
- Whatever.Copy !req
375. Waterboy's killin' 'em.Copy !req
376. He's the best tackler
I've seen since Joe Montana.Copy !req
377. Joe Montana was a quarterback,
you idiot.Copy !req
378. I said Joe Mantegna.Copy !req
379. We're tied at seven with 30 seconds
to go in the fourth quarter.Copy !req
380. Eagle cover two. Ready?Copy !req
381. Best of luck to you
on the upcoming play.Copy !req
382. I'll be playin'
with your mama tonight.Copy !req
383. - Sixty-two.
- Blue 22, hut!Copy !req
384. Bernard drops back.
Looks like a screen pass.Copy !req
385. Sixty-two! Sixty-two!
There you are!Copy !req
386. Thank you.Copy !req
387. Number 62 is headed for the end zone.Copy !req
388. He's at the 40, 30.
He's almost...Copy !req
389. Touchdown! Reds lead.Copy !req
390. Dropkicked him.
Boucher knocked him out cold.Copy !req
391. I love my mama very much.
Now you know that.Copy !req
392. The waterboy handed them the game.
What an idiot.Copy !req
393. Waterboy, you stink!Copy !req
394. Nice job, shithead.
You just lost us the game.Copy !req
395. I'm sorry. Would you please
still be my friend?Copy !req
396. - No! Get away from me.
- OK.Copy !req
397. Excuse me? May I help you?Copy !req
398. - Hey, stud.
- Vicki Vallencourt, this is...Copy !req
399. - This is quite a pleasant surprise.
- Yeah, I just got out ofjailCopy !req
400. - and I heard you were playin' football.
- Yes, well, I've...Copy !req
401. Yes.Copy !req
402. So what say we go and get
somethin' to eat, catch up on things.Copy !req
403. Mama's not a big fan of restaurantsCopy !req
404. or of me going to one.Copy !req
405. But if you'd like, sometimes,Copy !req
406. Mama, she... she got...
on a Sunday afternoon...Copy !req
407. There's a grill
with the charcoal biscuits.Copy !req
408. - You want me to come to a barbecue?
- That's it.Copy !req
409. Sounds great.Copy !req
410. And by the way, I hope you like
what I did to your lawn mower.Copy !req
411. You know that old hag that does
astrology on Good Morning America,Copy !req
412. she ought to pack it in.
Listen what she said for Sagittarius:Copy !req
413. "You're gonna be faced
with a difficult decision today."Copy !req
414. But the thing is, we're all faced
with difficult decisions every day.Copy !req
415. - Like sayin' you're gonna eat today.
- Maybe by leaving her predictionsCopy !req
416. vague and generalized,Copy !req
417. there's less of a chance of someone
findin' out she's a phony.Copy !req
418. - Whatever, college boy.
- Don't say college boy.Copy !req
419. - Here comes Mama.
- OK.Copy !req
420. That looks nice, Mama.Copy !req
421. - Here you go, Vicki Vallencourt.
- Thank you.Copy !req
422. Mama, Vicki's an astrologist.Copy !req
423. I don't believe in that
sort of thing, personally.Copy !req
424. Astronomy is one
of the many tools of the devil.Copy !req
425. You sure played great yesterday, Bobby.Copy !req
426. What did my boy play great?Copy !req
427. Waterboy. Yeah, waterboy.
He played... He played waterboy great.Copy !req
428. Everybody who was thirsty
got a drink right away,Copy !req
429. yesterday at the...
at the football game.Copy !req
430. Foosball! Bunch of overgrown monsters
manhandling each other.Copy !req
431. Remember when that man
wanted you to play?Copy !req
432. Yeah, I... He... Roy Orbison...Copy !req
433. Coach Klein. I remember.Copy !req
434. So, Bobby, did they ever catch
that gorilla what escaped from the zooCopy !req
435. - and punched you in the eye?
- No, Mama, he...Copy !req
436. The search continues.Copy !req
437. What would you think if Bobby
did play football, Mrs. Boucher?Copy !req
438. Well, I wouldn't
think much of it at all.Copy !req
439. And to tell you the truth,
I don't think much of youCopy !req
440. and all your snotty questions,
Miss Vallencourt.Copy !req
441. I'm disturbed to see
that you're so interested in my boy.Copy !req
442. I'm very, very interested
in your boy, Mrs. Boucher.Copy !req
443. Really? Well, did he tell you
about how much his feet smell?Copy !req
444. - Mama.
- He has to wear two pair of socks.Copy !req
445. Well, men are supposed
to have stinky feet.Copy !req
446. Are men supposed to wear pajamas
featuring a cartoon characterCopy !req
447. - by the name of Deputy Dawg?
- Mama, please.Copy !req
448. Well, you know what?
I happen to find Deputy DawgCopy !req
449. to be very, very sexy.Copy !req
450. Did he tell you about
his little bedtime problem?Copy !req
451. - Mama, I'm beggin' you, don't.
- That's his sheet back there.Copy !req
452. If you'll excuse me, ladies,
I'm gonna go hang myself.Copy !req
453. - Now you see what you done?
- What I did?Copy !req
454. You listen here, cupcake.
The only woman in my boy's life is me.Copy !req
455. Nobody's gonna take him away, especially
not some godless Jezebel like you.Copy !req
456. Oh, yeah? Well, your Bobby
is a grown man. And guess what?Copy !req
457. - He can hang out with whoever he wants!
- He can. Whoever he wants.Copy !req
458. 'Cept you! Bobby,
that woman is the devil.Copy !req
459. - I want you to stay away from her.
- Yes, Mama.Copy !req
460. You come on inside before that
little ol' witch casts a spell on us!Copy !req
461. I'm sorry, Vicki Vallencourt.Copy !req
462. Whatever.Copy !req
463. When we report on the SCLSU
Mud Dogs here on SportsCenter,Copy !req
464. it's to add a number
to their losing streak,Copy !req
465. which now stands at 41. But now, Bobby
Boucher has given us another reason.Copy !req
466. In the Mud Dog's latest loss
this past Saturday,Copy !req
467. the amazing 31-year-old freshman
set a new NCAA recordCopy !req
468. by sacking the quarterback 16 times,
shattering the old record of seven.Copy !req
469. And, oh, by the way, Bobby Boucher
is also the team's waterboy,Copy !req
470. which, of course, begs the question:Copy !req
471. What exactly are they putting in the
water in Jackson's Bayou, Louisiana?Copy !req
472. We're deadlocked at three
with less than a minute to go.Copy !req
473. We are one family with one dream.Copy !req
474. There are 40 of you on this team, not
one. Bobby can't do this by himself.Copy !req
475. Get out and make something happen!
Sacrifice your bodies. Go, go, go!Copy !req
476. Thank you. Bobby, you're gonna
have to do this by yourselfCopy !req
477. because nobody
on this team is any good.Copy !req
478. Look, I can't stand losing anymore.
We've got to win one game.Copy !req
479. Go out there and make something
happen. Visualize and attack.Copy !req
480. - Visualize and attack. Please! Please!
- Yes, yes, yes, yes.Copy !req
481. Central Kentucky's down
to their third string quarterback.Copy !req
482. Good news, folks. Quarterback Tommy
Gardner does not have a broken neck.Copy !req
483. Blue 52! Blue 52! Hut!Copy !req
484. I forbid you to talk to
that enchantress. She's the devil!Copy !req
485. She's not the devil. She's the most
beautiful woman in the world.Copy !req
486. - I never said she was the devil.
- Most beautiful woman in the world!Copy !req
487. Please, don't hurt me!Copy !req
488. Follow the... Come on!Copy !req
489. You crazy man! OK, OK, OK!Copy !req
490. It's a safety!
They win, they win, they win!Copy !req
491. With the help of Boucher,
the losing streak is over!Copy !req
492. I'm so sorry, Mama.
Please forgive me.Copy !req
493. I love you so much, Mama.
I love you.Copy !req
494. - I love you too.
- We won! We won, baby!Copy !req
495. It's gonna be a big party
and you going!Copy !req
496. - Me? Party?
- Yeah, baby!Copy !req
497. Bobby! Bobby! Bobby!Copy !req
498. Hey. Nice suit.Copy !req
499. Thank you. It was my daddy's.Copy !req
500. Mama don't know I'm here,
but I took these outta the icebox:Copy !req
501. - Louisiana frog cakes.
- Thanks.Copy !req
502. - Come on in.
- Hey, Bobby Boucher!Copy !req
503. Look who's here, Sergeant Stutter.Copy !req
504. Want a beer?Copy !req
505. I'll take a Scotch and water.
Hold the Scotch.Copy !req
506. - You just make a joke, Bobby?
- Yes, I did.Copy !req
507. Good one.Copy !req
508. Now that you finally won a game, right,
you feel looser, the pressure is off.Copy !req
509. And that will lead
to a lot more victories.Copy !req
510. Yeah, that and the waterboy
getting 20 sacks a game.Copy !req
511. That too.Copy !req
512. Professor!Copy !req
513. Havin' that test on amphibians
and reptiles Friday?Copy !req
514. Yes, sir.Copy !req
515. That is, if it's all right with you.Copy !req
516. - Of course it is.
- My best regards to your dear mama.Copy !req
517. Let's talk to the waterboy.Copy !req
518. You played amazing
at the game today.Copy !req
519. And you are so cute.
Is there a girl you're seein'?Copy !req
520. Seein'?Copy !req
521. I see a lot of girls.Copy !req
522. I see a lot of guys too.Copy !req
523. I think that's sexy.Copy !req
524. Ever been with a guy and a girl
at the same time?Copy !req
525. Oh, yeah, plenty of times.
The other night,Copy !req
526. I was with my mama
and Coach Klein at the same time.Copy !req
527. You are a bad boy.
I wish you were my boyfriend.Copy !req
528. Oh, thank you, but, see,
there's this girl, Vicki Vallencourt.Copy !req
529. She may be the devil.
Mama said that. Consequently,Copy !req
530. I am prohibited from contact with her.Copy !req
531. But I hope to get past that one day
'cause she's nice to talk to.Copy !req
532. Yo, we have a very special
guest here today.Copy !req
533. Let's have a warm L.T. welcome
for Bobby Boucher. Come on, Bobby.Copy !req
534. - Thank you, Mr. Lawrence Taylor.
- Tell me, what is your secret?Copy !req
535. How do you find yourself
in the right position?Copy !req
536. That's a good question.Copy !req
537. What happens is
the center has the ball first.Copy !req
538. And the quarterback will say, "Hike."Copy !req
539. That's when the center puts the ball
in the hands of the quarterback.Copy !req
540. So, what I do is
I start tacklin' the quarterback,Copy !req
541. unless he give the ball
to somebody else, in which case,Copy !req
542. I try to tackle that person.Copy !req
543. Gentleman, which brings me
to my next point: don't smoke crack.Copy !req
544. Vicki Vallencourt.Copy !req
545. What you doin' here?Copy !req
546. Oh, nothin'.Copy !req
547. I was just thinkin' about stealin'
L.T.'s Porsche over there.Copy !req
548. But I suppose I ought to be
movin' onCopy !req
549. before I get you in trouble
with your mama.Copy !req
550. Well, Mr. Coach Klein said that
what Mama don't know won't hurt her.Copy !req
551. So maybe we could ride home together.Copy !req
552. - Really?
- If you'd like to.Copy !req
553. OK.Copy !req
554. Come sit down, if you'd like.Copy !req
555. Vicki Vallencourt, I figured,Copy !req
556. 'cause you're interested in astrology
and mystical stuff like that,Copy !req
557. you might appreciate this.Copy !req
558. That's water from a glacier in Alaska.Copy !req
559. It was blessed
by an Eskimo medicine man.Copy !req
560. - It's cold!
- Yes, it's always cold.Copy !req
561. That's why it's so special.Copy !req
562. That was...
That... That happened...Copy !req
563. That happened to be
my first time with lipsCopy !req
564. and... and... and... the tongue.Copy !req
565. That was your tongue.
I... I believe it was.Copy !req
566. I never did that before.Copy !req
567. If that was your first kiss,Copy !req
568. then I bet it's the first time
you've seen a pair of these.Copy !req
569. Yes, yes, that is
another first for me,Copy !req
570. and I appreciate what...
what you're showin' me right now.Copy !req
571. Vicki Vallencourt, I think Mama's up.Copy !req
572. Devil, devil, devil.Copy !req
573. You better get goin'.Copy !req
574. My God, Bobby. I mean, sometimes,
I just don't know why I bother with you.Copy !req
575. You ain't even a man.Copy !req
576. It looks like the Cinderella
S.C.L.S.U. Mud Dogs,Copy !req
577. led by linebacker Bobby Boucher,
are gonna fall one victory shortCopy !req
578. of that Bourbon Bowl bid.
Iowa could win the gameCopy !req
579. - by nailing this 20-yard field goal.
- But the Mud Dogs have playedCopy !req
580. a sensational football game. Look at the
way Boucher entered the Hawkeyes' drive.Copy !req
581. Here we see Boucher
instantly penetrating the pocket.Copy !req
582. There's a lot of pain
and shame in those eyes.Copy !req
583. Friends, it's all over.Copy !req
584. - My leg!
- Wow, that is a disturbing image.Copy !req
585. Difficult to watch, Chris.Copy !req
586. Mud Dogs!Copy !req
587. Gonna kick some names
and take some ass!Copy !req
588. Bobby!Copy !req
589. Water sucks. Gatorade is better.Copy !req
590. - What?
- Use it on the field.Copy !req
591. Waterboy, Waterboy, Waterboy!Copy !req
592. Gatorade not only quenches your thirst
better, it tastes better too, idiot.Copy !req
593. You're drinkin' the wrong water.Copy !req
594. - Gatorade.
- H20.Copy !req
595. - Gatorade!
- H20!Copy !req
596. Water sucks
It really, really sucksCopy !req
597. Water sucksCopy !req
598. Stop saying that. You don't mean that.
You're bad people.Copy !req
599. And my friend, Chris, the Mud Dogs
are goin' to the Bourbon Bowl.Copy !req
600. With yesterday's come-from-behind
victory, the Mud DogsCopy !req
601. earned a New Year's Day date
with Red Beaulieu and the CougarsCopy !req
602. in the first Bourbon Bowl.
But not only has the waterboyCopy !req
603. changed S.C.L.S.U.'s fortunes,
he's got other teams lookingCopy !req
604. around the sidelines for talent.
In fact, Michigan, devastated by injury,Copy !req
605. experimented with their towel boy
at wide receiver.Copy !req
606. But the towel boy ran into
a laundry list of problems.Copy !req
607. You know, when I see
so many of you here tonight,Copy !req
608. it reminds me just about how special
this season really was.Copy !req
609. Not just for the team.
Not just for the students.Copy !req
610. But for each and every one of youCopy !req
611. in our small corner of Louisiana!Copy !req
612. You can do it!Copy !req
613. Oh, yes, we can,
and, yes, we will.Copy !req
614. Because we've got a young manCopy !req
615. who has been so vital to our success.Copy !req
616. A wonderful student-athlete.Copy !req
617. And a wonderful friend.Copy !req
618. Ladies and gentlemen, Bobby Boucher!Copy !req
619. - Waterboy, number one!
- You can do it!Copy !req
620. Thank you so much
for bein' my friends.Copy !req
621. You can do it!Copy !req
622. I'd also like to take
this opportunityCopy !req
623. to tell you that my mama
don't know how I play football.Copy !req
624. So if you could not tell
my mama I play football,Copy !req
625. that would be for the best.Copy !req
626. We must be a little lost.
We're tryin' to get to the Bourbon Bowl.Copy !req
627. Looks like we ended up
in Retardville, USA.Copy !req
628. Hey, waterboy,
you fixin' to tackle all of us?Copy !req
629. - Kick his water-lovin' ass, Greg.
- I asked you a question, dumb-ass.Copy !req
630. You even exhale,
and I will saw your head off.Copy !req
631. You can do it!
Cut his fucking head off!Copy !req
632. Hold it, hold it. Just a minute.
Now what is the problem here, honey?Copy !req
633. I mean, whatever it is,
we don't want this to get physical.Copy !req
634. Right, Klein?Copy !req
635. Your team actin'
like a bunch of shitheads.Copy !req
636. Not how ambassadors for the University
of Louisiana are supposed to act.Copy !req
637. So now you just get back on the bus.Copy !req
638. However, assault with a deadly weapon,Copy !req
639. very, very serious offense.Copy !req
640. Officer, get her
little country ass outta here.Copy !req
641. - Thank you, Vicki.
- Let's go.Copy !req
642. It's the waterboy.Copy !req
643. I got something for you.Copy !req
644. This is his transcript
from South Lafayette High SchoolCopy !req
645. in Cherokee Plains, Louisiana.Copy !req
646. Now the problem with thatCopy !req
647. is there ain't no South Lafayette High
School in Cherokee Plains, Louisiana.Copy !req
648. So obviously, this is a fake!Copy !req
649. However, this is not a fake.Copy !req
650. This is from the NCAA:Copy !req
651. They don't think you ought
to play football.Copy !req
652. So allow me to say this
to you one more time:Copy !req
653. You're fired.Copy !req
654. Oh, no! We suck again!Copy !req
655. Ever see a championship ring?Copy !req
656. Don't be messin' with the champ.
Come on, Laski.Copy !req
657. - You didn't go to high school?
- I was home-schooled.Copy !req
658. - I didn't know I needed...
- Forged a fake transcript.Copy !req
659. - No, I didn't.
- The waterboy's a cheater!Copy !req
660. Cut his head off!Copy !req
661. Listen, everybody!
This don't change nothin'!Copy !req
662. We played as a team, we won as a team.Copy !req
663. Just because the waterboy's a cheaterCopy !req
664. don't change the fact
that the real Mud DogsCopy !req
665. are gonna kick some Cougar ass.Copy !req
666. Mud Dogs! Mud Dogs!Copy !req
667. Mud Dogs! Mud Dogs!
Mud Dogs! Mud Dogs!Copy !req
668. Let's do it!Copy !req
669. Sorry, Bobby.Copy !req
670. Believe me, I understand.Copy !req
671. Yeah, and you're
deeply appreciated, Mr. Dodd.Copy !req
672. Thank you so much. Bye-bye.Copy !req
673. Good news. The NCAA is gonna
allow you to play in the Bourbon Bowl.Copy !req
674. - Yes.
- You have to passCopy !req
675. - the high school equivalency test.
- It's not the test, coach.Copy !req
676. Everybody... hates me.Copy !req
677. That's not true.Copy !req
678. One man said he wanted
to decapitate me.Copy !req
679. Nobody else thought that
to be too bad of an idea.Copy !req
680. Somebody made me look like a cheater.Copy !req
681. I did it. I did it.
I did it! I did it! I did it!Copy !req
682. - It was me.
- Why?Copy !req
683. Because I wanted you to play.
Because you were my way out, Bobby.Copy !req
684. It was the only way to get you in.Copy !req
685. I am so sorry.Copy !req
686. Why didn't you stick up for me
down by the river?Copy !req
687. The truth is... I fled.Copy !req
688. I came into my office,
I went under my desk, I cried.Copy !req
689. I cried.
I cried like a ten-year-old girl!Copy !req
690. Red and I have a history.Copy !req
691. Twenty years ago,
we were assistants to Coach CavanaughCopy !req
692. at the University of Louisiana.
Red ran the practicesCopy !req
693. and I used to come up with the plays.Copy !req
694. Oh, boy, was I good.Copy !req
695. I would write these foolproof plays
in my little green notebook that I had.Copy !req
696. The opposition
didn't even know what hit 'em.Copy !req
697. And when Coach Cavanaugh
was going to retire, me and Red,Copy !req
698. we knew that one of us
was gonna be his successor.Copy !req
699. - Hey, Red.
- How ya doin'?Copy !req
700. - Come by to wish me luck?
- Well, not exactly, no, no.Copy !req
701. Actually, I come by to get you
to do ol' Red a little favor.Copy !req
702. - Sure. What's up?
- Well, you know that green notebookCopy !req
703. you use to write all them
football plays in?Copy !req
704. Well, I need to show Cavanaugh that
I can come up with some good play ideas.Copy !req
705. But you didn't come up with them.Copy !req
706. They're my plays. I need them.Copy !req
707. Klein, I'm gonna have this book,
one way or another.Copy !req
708. You might as well let the thing
go, 'cause if you don't,Copy !req
709. it's gonna get awfully,
awfully physical here.Copy !req
710. And I don't think
you want that, do you?Copy !req
711. Of course, Red got the job.
Next day, fired me.Copy !req
712. Once he had my notebook,
he didn't need me.Copy !req
713. I didn't take it very well.Copy !req
714. No, Grandma, I didn't get it.Copy !req
715. I can't believe it myself.Copy !req
716. I know. I'm so numb.Copy !req
717. I just hate him,
I hate him, I hate him.Copy !req
718. That is a terrible story, coach.Copy !req
719. But why don't you just come up
with some new plays?Copy !req
720. - I tried. I can't.
- Yes.Copy !req
721. I guess I have a mental block
ever sinceCopy !req
722. Red took my playbook
and my manhood.Copy !req
723. I knew what he was gonna do!Copy !req
724. And I just didn't fight back.Copy !req
725. Well, you're gonna show him
that you're a man on Saturday.Copy !req
726. I'm gonna show everybody that
I'm not a dummy. I'm gonna go study.Copy !req
727. Mama, maybe you could stop
brushin' my hair so I can read.Copy !req
728. Read? You don't have to read.Copy !req
729. - What you readin' for?
- 'Cause I enjoys it, Mama.Copy !req
730. Don't look like to me you enjoys it,
sittin' there all grouchy.Copy !req
731. Mama, I gotta read this book
and six other books tonight,Copy !req
732. or else I can't play foot...Copy !req
733. - ... ball.
- Foosball?Copy !req
734. You playin' the foosball behind my back?Copy !req
735. The reason I'm doin' this
so I can go to school.Copy !req
736. School? You goin' to school?Copy !req
737. Sorry, Mama. I wanted to tell you.Copy !req
738. You off gallivantin' with your fancy
foosball friends at school,Copy !req
739. while I'm sittin' here all day
with nobody to keep me companyCopy !req
740. except Steve?Copy !req
741. The chickens
are comin' home to roost.Copy !req
742. You reap the fruit
of your selfish ways.Copy !req
743. You're gonna lose all your
fancy foosball gamesCopy !req
744. and you're gonna fail your big exam,
because school is...Copy !req
745. The devil?Copy !req
746. Everything is the devil to you, Mama!Copy !req
747. Well, I like school
and I like football!Copy !req
748. And I'm gonna keep doin' them both
because they make me feel good!Copy !req
749. And by the way, Mama,
alligators are orneryCopy !req
750. because of their medulla oblongata!Copy !req
751. And I like Vicki,
and she likes me back!Copy !req
752. And she showed me her boobies,
and I liked them too!Copy !req
753. The Louisiana High School
Equivalency ExaminationCopy !req
754. consists of 300
multiple choice questions.Copy !req
755. You have three hours.
Good luck to you, sir.Copy !req
756. Ben Franklin.Copy !req
757. Mama, when did Ben Franklin
invent electricity?Copy !req
758. That's nonsense!
I invented electricity.Copy !req
759. Ben Franklin is the devil!Copy !req
760. I can't believe you got a 97!Copy !req
761. I can't believe I told Mama
that I got feelings for you.Copy !req
762. Well, welcome to your manhood,
Bobby Boucher.Copy !req
763. When we get a little more time,
I'll welcome you properly.Copy !req
764. Yes, once again, I'm not quite sure
what that means, but...Copy !req
765. We should get goin'. I told Coach
I'd drive to the game with him.Copy !req
766. I was with you from two to four
last night. You tell them.Copy !req
767. Bobby, your mama got sick this mornin'.
She's in the hospital.Copy !req
768. Mama, what have I done?Copy !req
769. I'm so sorry, Mama.Copy !req
770. Doctors say they can't figure out
what's wrong with her.Copy !req
771. But I know what's wrong.Copy !req
772. She got a broken heart
because of me.Copy !req
773. Bobby, that's ridiculous.Copy !req
774. Everybody else in this town
turn on me at the drop of a hat.Copy !req
775. Mama is the only one who really cares
if I live or die.Copy !req
776. She my whole world.
Will you just leave us alone?Copy !req
777. She'll be fine, Bobby.
We better get going.Copy !req
778. God knows what the team is doing
with Farmer Fran watching.Copy !req
779. You really made it look like home.Copy !req
780. How's that, Steve?Copy !req
781. Take a look. The crowd has
never been bigger. Know why?Copy !req
782. Look who's on the television, Mama.
The devil.Copy !req
783. 500,000 intimate friends...Copy !req
784. Who that? Who there?Copy !req
785. Three, two, one!Copy !req
786. - Happy New Year!
- Happy New Year, Mama.Copy !req
787. My resolution is to
never hurt you again.Copy !req
788. Waterboy! Waterboy!Copy !req
789. Waterboy! Waterboy!Copy !req
790. Bobby Boucher, all these folks
are here tonightCopy !req
791. to tell you that they're sorry,Copy !req
792. that they're sorry for not supportin'
you when it meant the most.Copy !req
793. But you do have friends, and one of 'em
wants to say somethin'. Come on.Copy !req
794. I am not what you would call
a handsome man.Copy !req
795. The good Lord chose not
to bless meCopy !req
796. with charm, athletic abilityCopy !req
797. or a fully functional brain.Copy !req
798. You see, you're an inspirationCopy !req
799. to all of us
who weren't born handsomeCopy !req
800. and charming and cool and...Copy !req
801. - I can't! I can't!
- It's OK.Copy !req
802. Bobby, if your mama could only hear us
right now, we would tell herCopy !req
803. what a fine boy she raised,Copy !req
804. and how much your playing football
means to this town.Copy !req
805. But she can't hear you
'cause she's unconscious.Copy !req
806. I'm sorry to disappoint you all,
but please keep your voices downCopy !req
807. so my mama can get her rest.Copy !req
808. Well, wake her ass up!
We gotta win tomorrow!Copy !req
809. Mama! Thank God you're OK.
I'm so sorry.Copy !req
810. I was so bad.
You were right about everything.Copy !req
811. - I've been a knucklehead.
- Hush, baby.Copy !req
812. You should've seen this
a long time ago.Copy !req
813. - Oh, my word! Is that my daddy?
- No, no.Copy !req
814. That's a guy I dated
before I met your father.Copy !req
815. You could iron a shirt
on his stomach.Copy !req
816. Well, that was lust, not love.
Turn the page.Copy !req
817. There's your daddy.Copy !req
818. So handsome.Copy !req
819. Read on.Copy !req
820. "Dear Helen." Who's Helen?Copy !req
821. That's my first name, Bobby.Copy !req
822. "I have arrived here in New Orleans.Copy !req
823. It is even more beautiful
than in the picture book.Copy !req
824. I'm sure I'll have
no problem finding work,Copy !req
825. so you can expect my next letter
to contain lots of money.Copy !req
826. Your loving husband, Robert."
That's nice, Mama.Copy !req
827. "Dear Helen." That's you.Copy !req
828. "I found a job as a lemonade vendor,Copy !req
829. but sorry, no money yet.Copy !req
830. New Orleans is an expensive city.Copy !req
831. Expensive, but fun.
Hope all is well. Robert."Copy !req
832. "To Whom It May Concern:Copy !req
833. This will be my last letter.Copy !req
834. We have grown apart
over these last six weeks.Copy !req
835. I now have two loves in my life:Copy !req
836. Big-city livin'
and a voodoo woman named Phyllis.Copy !req
837. Ciao, Roberto."Copy !req
838. He changed his name to Roberto.Copy !req
839. I guess he thought it was more exotic.Copy !req
840. But Mama says that...
I mean, you say that...Copy !req
841. Bobby, your daddy
didn't go into no Peace Corps.Copy !req
842. He deserted us, baby.Copy !req
843. No, no, Mama. You shouldn't be dredgin'
up painful memories in your condition.Copy !req
844. Hush. Your mama's
as healthy as an ox,Copy !req
845. and as dumb as one to boot.Copy !req
846. I was so scared you'd abandon me too.Copy !req
847. And I made you abandon
all those people who depend on ya.Copy !req
848. I hid you away from the world,
Bobby Boucher.Copy !req
849. But I can't hog you
to myself no more,Copy !req
850. because everyone's seen
how wonderful you are.Copy !req
851. Oh, Mama!Copy !req
852. Now...Copy !req
853. You go play foosball
with your friends.Copy !req
854. Welcome to ABC's coverage
of the Bourbon Bowl.Copy !req
855. Good afternoon. I'm Brent Musburger
with my colleague Dan Fouts.Copy !req
856. The big story here is a game
that's lost some of its lusterCopy !req
857. without its star player,
the waterboy, Bobby Boucher.Copy !req
858. Red's got a couple
of solid early rounders out there.Copy !req
859. I know, but I really wanted to scout
that waterboy. Reminds me of Greg Lloyd.Copy !req
860. - Zack Thomas.
- Whatever.Copy !req
861. Is she ready?Copy !req
862. Oh, yeah. She's more than ready.Copy !req
863. Come on, Bobby!
You'll miss the boat!Copy !req
864. Let's go, ladies.Copy !req
865. We are underway!
The opening kickoff is a beauty!Copy !req
866. Holdsworth is gonna bring it out
from nine yards deep.Copy !req
867. Come on.Copy !req
868. Yeah!Copy !req
869. They're showing no respect
for this team without Boucher.Copy !req
870. Good reason, Brent.
109 yards untouched.Copy !req
871. Touchdown, Cougars! They strike first.Copy !req
872. Time running down in the first quarter.
Cougars lead is 17-nothing.Copy !req
873. Set!Copy !req
874. Three, 33!Copy !req
875. Three, 33! Hut!Copy !req
876. That quarterback can't
get the ball off before he's hit.Copy !req
877. It's as if they're in
the offensive huddle with him.Copy !req
878. Are you gonna finish
that hot dog, Jimmy?Copy !req
879. Now I'm not.Copy !req
880. Mama, you think
we'll make it on time?Copy !req
881. Hang on! I'll show you what
A.J. Foyt taught me.Copy !req
882. The end of the half.
The Cougars are dominating.Copy !req
883. Let's hope the Mud Dogs
can make some adjustments.Copy !req
884. Well, they better, because they suck.Copy !req
885. Anybody got an idea?Copy !req
886. Hey.Copy !req
887. Remember the time Bobby tackled
the referee by mistake?Copy !req
888. Yeah, that was pretty funny.Copy !req
889. How about the time he tackled
the guy from LouisvilleCopy !req
890. and threw him into the stands?Copy !req
891. Y'all remember when he intercepted
the ball and his pants fell off?Copy !req
892. And then he ran
for the touchdown bare-assed.Copy !req
893. Remember when Bobby Boucher
showed up at halftimeCopy !req
894. and Mud Dogs won the Bourbon Bowl?Copy !req
895. Hey, sorry about givin' you
so much shit this year.Copy !req
896. You're the heart and soul
of this team, Bobby.Copy !req
897. The only one of us
who could've passed that test.Copy !req
898. Thank you all so much
for being my friends.Copy !req
899. Let's wait till later to hold hands
and kiss. We got a bowl game to win.Copy !req
900. - Yeah!
- Two, three!Copy !req
901. Mud Dogs!Copy !req
902. In a dramatic turn of events,
Bobby Boucher just arrived at halftime.Copy !req
903. And on a fan boat, Brent. His mother
drove him right into the stadium.Copy !req
904. Waterboy! Waterboy!Copy !req
905. Foosball's not for the devil.Copy !req
906. It's for my Bobby.Copy !req
907. Time to open up some whoop-ass.Copy !req
908. Shit, he showed up.
All right, look.Copy !req
909. Just relax. Relax.Copy !req
910. Go in there and do exactly
like we planned. Go, go, go!Copy !req
911. This could be the start
of some high drama.Copy !req
912. Or are the Mud Dogs too far behind?
Bobby Boucher is on defense.Copy !req
913. The Cougars are coming out
from their own 20-yard line.Copy !req
914. The pitch. It's a reverse!Copy !req
915. Boucher's not fooled.Copy !req
916. Fumble! Robideaux's got it!Copy !req
917. Touchdown, Mud Dogs!Copy !req
918. - Boucher knocked the poop out of him.
- "Poop"?Copy !req
919. Slap hands! Slap hands!Copy !req
920. Slap hands! Slap hands!Copy !req
921. Drink up, now. I want you girls
to sober up. Have faith in my Bobby.Copy !req
922. The Mud Dogs are faced
with yet another third and long.Copy !req
923. - Hut!
- Grenouille back to pass.Copy !req
924. He's gonna be stuffed again!
The Mud Dogs offenseCopy !req
925. is still unable to move that ball.
But the way their defense is fired up,Copy !req
926. they still have a shot
at winning this game.Copy !req
927. Look. Now what if we...Copy !req
928. Trust me. Go, go, go, go, go.Copy !req
929. The Cougars lead 27-7
in the middle of the third quarter.Copy !req
930. And he takes a knee?Copy !req
931. Y'all gonna play or what?Copy !req
932. How do you all like my new offense?Copy !req
933. All right, it's second and 12,
as the Cougars line up on the ball.Copy !req
934. What is Red Beaulieu doing,
refusing to play offense?Copy !req
935. - Dan, this is bizarre.
- No, it's not, Brent.Copy !req
936. It's brilliant. Red is
taking the Waterboy out of the game.Copy !req
937. By kneeling down
three times and punting,Copy !req
938. he'll make the Mud Dog
offense try to beat him.Copy !req
939. The way they're playing,
that's impossible.Copy !req
940. The Mud Dog's most valuable player,Copy !req
941. the linebacker they call "The Waterboy,"
is now powerless.Copy !req
942. That means Coach Klein will have
to find another way to outfox Red.Copy !req
943. Mud Dogs call a timeout.Copy !req
944. Mr. Coach Klein. Mr. Coach Klein!
Mr. Coach Klein!Copy !req
945. - Where are you going?
- I was just gonna get a hot pretzel.Copy !req
946. Mr. Coach Klein,
are you afraid of Red Beaulieu?Copy !req
947. I am petrified of him.Copy !req
948. Well, why don't you pretend
that Red BeaulieuCopy !req
949. is somebody that you're not afraid of.Copy !req
950. - Pretend?
- Yes.Copy !req
951. Visualize somebody you're not afraid of.Copy !req
952. - And then attack, like you told me.
- I'll try.Copy !req
953. He's right over there.Copy !req
954. Little baby. Yeah.Copy !req
955. Hello, little baby.Copy !req
956. A poo-poo?
Do you have a poo-poo?Copy !req
957. Yes. OK. Now.Copy !req
958. This is what we're gonna do.
He's gonna come here...Copy !req
959. Come and get this one, Cougars.Copy !req
960. Red 22! Hike!Copy !req
961. Snap to Grenouille. A reverse!Copy !req
962. No, it's a double reverse!
Oh, what a block!Copy !req
963. And Bugge springs free!
Trouble! Lateral!Copy !req
964. Got him! What a play!Copy !req
965. Grenouille to the 15, the ten,
the five!Copy !req
966. - Touchdown, Mud Dogs!
- Well, well, well.Copy !req
967. Coach Klein does have
a few tricks up his sleeve.Copy !req
968. What the hell...
What the hell is this?Copy !req
969. We go from a championship
football team to a bunch of dogs!Copy !req
970. Right now, we're going to go
to the sidelines and Lynn Swann.Copy !req
971. - What do you have for us?
- I'm with Vicki Vallencourt,Copy !req
972. taking over Bobby Boucher's
water duties for this game.Copy !req
973. I'm not takin' over.
I'm just tryin' not to screw up too bad.Copy !req
974. Let me ask you. What's your prediction
for the rest of this game?Copy !req
975. - Mud Dogs are gonna win, 30-27.
- That's very interesting.Copy !req
976. - How'd you come up with that guess?
- Guess? That ain't no guess!Copy !req
977. - That's what it's gonna be.
- OK. That's fine.Copy !req
978. Be careful down there.Copy !req
979. All right. Where's Meaney?Copy !req
980. - Meaney?
- Here, coach.Copy !req
981. Get in there and see
if that waterboy can stop you.Copy !req
982. - Yes, sir!
- Go!Copy !req
983. Red is sending his best defender in as a
running back? What do you make of this?Copy !req
984. He's gotta find some way
to neutralize the Waterboy.Copy !req
985. He probably thinks Meaney
will pound it in thereCopy !req
986. - like Fridge did for the Bears.
- Hey, Waterboy!Copy !req
987. Is your girlfriend
gonna save you again?Copy !req
988. No. I'll take matters
into my own hands. You'll see.Copy !req
989. Bring it to the hole!
Your ass is mine!Copy !req
990. You sound like a big choo-choo train.Copy !req
991. Power bomb,
compliments of Captain Insano.Copy !req
992. All right, field goal.
Field goal. Go.Copy !req
993. - Derek. Derek!
- Yeah.Copy !req
994. Visualize the attack.
Go kick the ball. Kick it.Copy !req
995. Hut!Copy !req
996. How you doin', boy?Copy !req
997. No, no, no!Copy !req
998. What the hell is that?Copy !req
999. What the hell is he up to?
That ain't in here!Copy !req
1000. Down by ten late in the fourth quarter,
Coach Klein opts for the field goal.Copy !req
1001. They have to hope for the onside kick
and a touchdown to tie the game.Copy !req
1002. Dan, look what we have here.
Boucher's in the game as a blocker.Copy !req
1003. Last game of the year.
Can't hold anything back now.Copy !req
1004. Set!Copy !req
1005. The snap. It's a fake!Copy !req
1006. Boucher's out in front!
A great block!Copy !req
1007. And a second one!
Touchdown, Mud Dogs!Copy !req
1008. Boucher led him all the way!Copy !req
1009. Red Beaulieu is steaming, Dan.Copy !req
1010. He sees his perfect season
slipping away.Copy !req
1011. The Cougars' lead is down to three.Copy !req
1012. Mud Dogs need the ball if they're
gonna have a shot at overtime.Copy !req
1013. And Bobby Boucher
is now on the kickoff team.Copy !req
1014. Last game of the year.
Can't hold anything back.Copy !req
1015. I know.Copy !req
1016. Who's it gonna be?Copy !req
1017. Who's it gonna be?
Who's it gonna be?Copy !req
1018. Oh, yeah. There's my bitch.Copy !req
1019. The ball must travel ten yards.Copy !req
1020. It's loose!Copy !req
1021. - Mud Dogs football! Mud Dogs football!
- All right!Copy !req
1022. - Mama, I got the football! I got it...
- What a vicious hit!Copy !req
1023. That was a cheap shot.Copy !req
1024. What a dumb penalty. That puts the Mud
Dogs in field goal range for the tie.Copy !req
1025. - I'm not sure Boucher can get up.
- Oh, my baby!Copy !req
1026. It's still cold.Copy !req
1027. Excuse me. Out of my way.Copy !req
1028. Dan, you hate to see this happen.Copy !req
1029. Now that's high quality H20.Copy !req
1030. You go on, now!
Make it happen, Bobby!Copy !req
1031. The Waterboy just needed some water.Copy !req
1032. Wow, Dan. You think that up
all by yourself?Copy !req
1033. Shut up, Brent.Copy !req
1034. - You OK?
- He tried to open a can of whoop-ass.Copy !req
1035. - I wouldn't let him.
- I have an idea for the last play.Copy !req
1036. You haven't done this before.
The offense is gonna line up like this.Copy !req
1037. - You're gonna be right here.
- There'll be no tie here today.Copy !req
1038. Coach Klein is sending
his offense back onto the field.Copy !req
1039. - He's going for the win right now.
- This is a real gutsy call, Brent.Copy !req
1040. He'll either be a hero
or a goat because of this.Copy !req
1041. And Dan,
Bobby Boucher is back on the field.Copy !req
1042. He is now playing offense!
We know. We know.Copy !req
1043. Meaney, if they give
that Waterboy the football,Copy !req
1044. I don't care if you have to stab him!
Do not let him get away. Understand?Copy !req
1045. - Yes, sir. Yes, sir!
- Do you understand me? Get in there!Copy !req
1046. Break!Copy !req
1047. - I'm ready, friend.
- Let's do it, Bobby.Copy !req
1048. Set! Set!Copy !req
1049. Forty-three! Red 43!
Hut, hut!Copy !req
1050. Touchdown! They won it!
The Mud Dogs win it!Copy !req
1051. Bobby Boucher's the hero!
He's gone from waterboy to savior!Copy !req
1052. Because he didn't
hold anything back!Copy !req
1053. Swannie's down on the field
with our hero, so let's go to Lynn now!Copy !req
1054. We did it! I can't believe it!
I can't believe it!Copy !req
1055. - Vicki, I love you!
- I love you, too, baby.Copy !req
1056. We're the champions!Copy !req
1057. Mr. Coach Klein, you got your manhood!
You got your manhood!Copy !req
1058. Bobby, congratulations.
You're the MVP of the Bourbon Bowl.Copy !req
1059. - How do you feel?
- I love Mama!Copy !req
1060. - Way to go, Bobby.
- Lookin' sharp, Bobby.Copy !req
1061. You the man, Bobby!Copy !req
1062. Bobby, I've been dreading
this day for a long time.Copy !req
1063. - But you got yourself a fine woman.
- Thank you, Mama.Copy !req
1064. Good luck, son.Copy !req
1065. This is the best day of my life!Copy !req
1066. - You just wait till tonight.
- What's gonna happen tonight?Copy !req
1067. - You'll see.
- You can do it!Copy !req
1068. You can do it all night long!Copy !req
1069. I'm gonna go do it!Copy !req
1070. Bobby, it's me!Copy !req
1071. - Your daddy, Roberto.
- Daddy?Copy !req
1072. I've seen you on the ESPN
when they was talkin' aboutCopy !req
1073. - you being drafted by the NFL.
- Not going to the NFL.Copy !req
1074. I'm gonna stay in school and graduate.Copy !req
1075. The hell with school, dopey! Take the
money! You and me could be partners,Copy !req
1076. just like that Tiger Woods
and his daddy.Copy !req
1077. - Nice hit, Mama.
- Thanks, baby.Copy !req
1078. Now you go on and have some fun
becoming a man.Copy !req