The VelociPastor (2018)

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Greg Cohan as Doug Jones • Alyssa Kempinski as Carol • Claire Hsu as Chinese Villager • Aurelio Voltaire as Altair • Daniel Steere as Father Stewart • Fernando Pacheco de Castro as Frankie Mermaid • Yang Jiechang as Wei Chang

After losing his parents, a priest travels to China, where he inherits a mysterious ability to turn into a dinosaur. At first horrified by this new power, a prostitute convinces him to fight crime. And ninjas.......

United States of America • Horror • Action • Comedy

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. - This is the greatest point we can learn

2. from his word in the Book of Job.

3. Though we all suffer,

4. it is the righteous who will persevere,

5. and to believe in God

6. is the greatest gift any of us can have.

7. May my enemy be like the wicked.

8. May my opponent be like the unrighteous.

9. Amen.

10. - Amen.

11. - Thank you, and God bless.

12. Mom and Dad!

13. No.

14. No!

15. No!

16. - So your parents died, Doug.

17. It's what parents do, they die on you.

18. They're in a better place.

19. - I just don't know what to believe anymore, Father Stewart.

20. Why would God?

21. Why would God?

22. - It's not our place to ask.

23. Just know that God has a plan for us all.

24. Everything happens for a reason.

25. Here, drink some more wine.

26. - I'm starting to question my faith.

27. - That's 'cause your world has changed.

28. You should travel, Doug, discover how others live.

29. I think it'll do you good.

30. - Travel?

31. But to where?

32. - Go where you think God will not follow.

33. If you find him there, then you'll know he's within you.

34. - Where God will not follow.

35. - China.

36. China is east.

37. Oh my god!

38. Are you hurt?

39. - You want me to take it?

40. - I don't understand.

41. - The dragon warrior.

42. - The dream again?

43. - The very same.

44. And the pain in my hand.

45. - A disease from your travels, no doubt.

46. Something stuck on this artifact you cut your hand with.

47. It's no wonder this haunts your dreams.

48. What did that Chinese say, dragon warrior?

49. - Something like that.

50. - How eastern.

51. Here's food if you're hungry.

52. - I am.

53. Hungry.

54. - Good, feed a fever, starve a cold.

55. I'm sure you'll forget all about China soon.

56. Bye.

57. - Hungry.

58. Hungry.

59. I need air, I have to get out.

60. - Spare some change, sir? - No, no, I don't have any.

61. - Please, it's for an old man. - No, I took the vow

62. of poverty, I have no material possessions!

63. - Oh my god, watch it, jerk!

64. Here. - Thank you, ma'am.

65. - You're welcome. - God bless you.

66. You're a born angel, I know it.

67. - I'm lit up right and hot to trap,

68. where you want me tonight, daddy-o?

69. - Carol, hello.

70. Goddamn you, Carol, how many fucking times

71. I have to tell you not to question what I do?

72. Now what's my name?

73. - Frankie Mermaid.

74. - And why is my name Frankie Mermaid?

75. Speak up, Carol,

76. or else I'm gonna give you the fucking boot!

77. - 'Cause you're swimming in bitches.

78. - You're goddamn right!

79. You're goddamn right.

80. Now where you gonna trick tonight?

81. - The park.

82. - That's right, mama, the park.

83. 'Cause that's where the real money's at,

84. and you are the real money.

85. Yo, Cherry!

86. If you stuffed dicks in your mouth

87. like you're doing that sandwich,

88. I'd be a fucking millionaire by now!

89. - Your money or your life.

90. - They don't give me the money, I don't have the money.

91. - Then take me to who does.

92. - He'll kill you.

93. - That makes two of us.

94. - Hello, my child.

95. - Carol.

96. - Doug.

97. - Last night was amazing.

98. - Oh.

99. Oh, I see.

100. Let me be fair in saying that this can never happen again.

101. - So it was just a one time thing?

102. - Yes.

103. Honestly, it never should've happened at all.

104. - That's for sure.

105. - Oh?

106. Was it bad?

107. - It was weird.

108. - Oh.

109. - Honestly, it all happened so quickly.

110. I was very scared, I think I even peed myself.

111. - Was it your first time, too?

112. - Yeah.

113. - As I said, I'm a priest, so we can never say—

114. - Wait, what are you even talking about?

115. - What are you talking about?

116. - The time you turned into a dinosaur and ate someone.

117. - Wait.

118. What?

119. What?

120. - You don't remember, do you?

121. - I remember some sort of nightmare,

122. a lust for the flesh.

123. - You must have blacked out.

124. What's the last thing you do remember?

125. - Hunger.

126. That doesn't matter, I don't believe you.

127. Dinosaurs never existed, and even if they did,

128. I don't transform into one.

129. - I can show you the body.

130. - Where is it?

131. Do you have anything I can wear?

132. - Sure.

133. 429, 430,

134. 431, 432.

135. - Oh Jesus!

136. - See, I told you.

137. - Why did you cover it with leaves?

138. - I don't know, I didn't know what else to do!

139. Firstly, I'm a hooker and I did not wanna be arrested,

140. and secondly, you turned into a dinosaur and you ate him.

141. - You're a hooker?

142. - And pre-med law,

143. but people aren't surprised as much by that one.

144. - Oh my god.

145. - You know, it might sound strange,

146. but I don't think this has to be a bad thing.

147. - Touch not, thy sinning hands,

148. Jezebel! - Stop it, you saved me!

149. You saved me!

150. My life, all of it!

151. Do you know what he would've done to me?

152. This is the most priestly thing that you've ever done!

153. Look, you guys talk all the time about helping people.

154. This might actually be the first time in your life you can.

155. - What, by killing people?

156. - Yes, bad people!

157. Every drug-dealing murderer

158. that ever walked into your confession.

159. Every rapist or pedophile

160. that bragged to you about its crimes and went free!

161. You and I both know

162. that some of those people are beyond help.

163. Look, I know a lot of bad people.

164. You think I like turning tricks to pay for college?

165. There's surprisingly little demand

166. for hooker doctor lawyers.

167. Help me help everyone.

168. Please.

169. - No.

170. This madness must stop.

171. - Doug! - I have to do confessions.

172. - Right now? - Yes, right now!

173. - Fuck.

174. - Douglas, you're late for confession.

175. - Sorry.

176. Hello, my child, how long has it been

177. since your last confession?

178. - Since I last confessed?

179. Oh Jesus.

180. Padre, you're gonna make me, let's see.

181. It's been about two years.

182. There's a lot of ground to cover.

183. You can't smoke in here, my son.

184. - Listen Padre, Frankie fucking Mermaid smokes

185. where the fuck he wants, because his life is on fire.

186. - What is it that you would like to confess?

187. - Oh jeez, I guess we could cover the last four days.

188. Stole candy from this baby.

189. Then I threw the baby in the river,

190. so it couldn't snitch, obviously.

191. Then I pimp bitches, I do drugs,

192. sell drugs, murder people.

193. Really, you name it, I done it, Padre.

194. - You've taken blood from malice?

195. - Malice, whoa, no, no.

196. More like fun, and business, I got bosses.

197. They tell me to kill people, so I kill people,

198. or I tell other people to kill people.

199. - Who was the last that you've slain?

200. - Oh jeez, let me see.

201. Jesus Christ.

202. Oh shit, actually, a couple months ago,

203. this fucking old couple, I blew up their car.

204. - You've murdered— - Actually,

205. it was right in front of this church.

206. Oh my god, blood, blood everywhere.

207. Skin melting, skin boiling.

208. Kinda gave me a hard-on, Padre,

209. add that to the confession, too.

210. - You— - Oh, actually,

211. you might know him, one of your priest friends

212. comes running out, yelling, "Mom, Dad,"

213. like it's his fucking parents or something like that.

214. Oh god, god.

215. Where else can you see that kind of shit on a Tuesday?

216. - You murdered my parents!

217. - Oh fuck!

218. - Why did you kill them?

219. - Kill them?

220. It was just orders, Padre, I didn't mean nothing by it.

221. - They were my parents!

222. - I'm sorry!

223. - Tell me why, tell me who ordered their deaths!

224. - You have no idea how far their reach is, Padre.

225. They got their claws in everything here.

226. I don't know nothing, you might as well just kill me now.

227. - Okay!

228. - Are you alone?

229. - Yeah.

230. - If we're gonna do this, how?

231. How are we gonna do this?

232. - We'll make a plan.

233. - Plan?

234. - Yeah, create rules.

235. - Rules.

236. Rules, right, like commandments, right?

237. Things to live by.

238. - Yeah, I guess.

239. - Okay.

240. I can still practice, right?

241. I can still be a priest, right?

242. - Yeah, I think.

243. - Okay, okay.

244. We're the only ones that can know about this.

245. Father Stewart can't know.

246. - Sure, who's Father Stewart?

247. - This is a good thing.

248. A good thing, we're gonna help people.

249. Do real good, right?

250. - Right. - Right?

251. - Right, right.

252. Now I don't know much about God.

253. - I don't know much about dinosaurs.

254. My parents,

255. they were murdered not too long ago.

256. I killed the man that killed them.

257. Today.

258. - How did it feel?

259. - It felt

260. good.

261. I know the world is a better place

262. with people like Frankie Mermaid off the streets.

263. - What, you killed Frankie, the Frankie Mermaid?

264. - I didn't mean to, I didn't mean to.

265. I didn't mean to kill him.

266. I was just so angry, and he just kept bragging.

267. - Thank you.

268. Thank you.

269. - We'll only hurt bad people.

270. - Only the worst.

271. - It's hard to say, sir.

272. We've had rumors from the underground

273. of a fearsome dragon warrior.

274. They say he can take on 10 men at a time.

275. - That is the word of the people, Master Wei Chan.

276. - Do not speak of my Christian in here.

277. - Yes sir, I apologize.

278. - Well sir, we'll have another shipment of coke in tomorrow,

279. prepared exactly as you ordered.

280. - Father Stewart.

281. - Hello Douglas.

282. You're reading, I see.

283. - Yes.

284. Time spent in silent servitude.

285. How are you?

286. - Worried, Doug.

287. I'll be blunt.

288. Your chronic absence worries me.

289. You've hardly been eating at all.

290. You haven't missed a Sunday in 16 years,

291. and all of a sudden, that girl shows up—

292. - That girl's name is Carol.

293. And she's very nice.

294. - Have you forgotten your vow of chastity?

295. - Of course not.

296. - Then as your mentor and your friend, I ask you,

297. what the hell is going on?

298. - Father Stewart, what if I told you

299. that I was different?

300. - You're not that different.

301. There are plenty of men like that in the church.

302. - No.

303. I mean really different.

304. - That's impossible.

305. - Nothing is impossible where the lord is concerned,

306. Leviticus 24:24.

307. - Doug, if you really think there's something inside you

308. that can make you change like this,

309. then the church is very clear on the procedure for exorcism.

310. - I don't need an exorcism.

311. - You're hallucinating that you're killing people.

312. - And thine enemies shall be vanquished

313. with righteous and swift justice, Matthew 32:6!

314. I can rid the world of the scum with my bare hands,

315. don't you see, Father Stewart?

316. I might be on a mission from God himself.

317. - That's insane, Doug, God does not want people dead.

318. - Oh I think God wants a lot of people dead.

319. - I'll contact the diocese as soon as possible.

320. We need to rid you of this Carol and this delusion.

321. - It's not like that, she's a good person.

322. - What does she do for work?

323. - The job of the sinner is—

324. - It's obvious this isn't about her anyway.

325. Do not leave this room until further notice.

326. - But...

327. Wait, Father Stewart!

328. God damn it!

329. I had parents once.

330. What would my parents say?

331. - We're happy with your life's decisions.

332. - I'm so proud of you, Doug, you're my only son.

333. Becoming a priest is a big decision, son.

334. You really think it's for you?

335. - I think I can do good, Dad.

336. The most good possible.

337. I can help people and become a servant of God.

338. The way we're meant to be.

339. - It's a big decision.

340. All I want you to do is remember this.

341. If you ever find yourself lost in the woods,

342. you can't hear his voice, just follow your heart.

343. Your heart will always lead you back home.

344. Now why don't you hop on out?

345. Your mom and I will take a drive.

346. We'll pick you up after priest college.

347. - Thanks, Dad.

348. - The diocese will take too long.

349. As much as it pains me to do so, Doug,

350. I'm too worried about you to sit on my hands any longer.

351. Decided to skip the bureaucracy

352. and take matters into other hands.

353. - Where are we?

354. Somewhere the church forgot.

355. - Father Stewart, I think we're making a big mistake.

356. - Sometimes we need evil to fight evil, Doug.

357. - But that's what I just said.

358. - This is different.

359. - Stewart, it's been years.

360. - Not enough, perhaps.

361. - And you must be Doug.

362. - Father Jones.

363. - There are no fathers in here, kid.

364. - Altair is a practicing exorcist,

365. though his methods are sometimes suspect.

366. - Doug, what the church can tell us only extends so far.

367. We must look abroad if we are to find the truth

368. that is hidden within the truth.

369. But fear not, for our inner eye

370. will be our guide through this darkness.

371. Now, I understand you're being stalked

372. by some kind of specter.

373. Tell me about that, and start from the beginning.

374. - It all happened after my parents were murdered.

375. Father Stewart suggested that I travel.

376. I haven't had to come

377. to Altair in years.

378. Not since the war.

379. - Sammy's dead.

380. They got Bennet.

381. Johnny Bones.

382. Andrew Martin sat on his own fucking grenade.

383. Ricky Invincible, God knows where the fuck he is.

384. Fucking Vietcong coming out of nowhere.

385. - They sure are sneaky bastards.

386. - They're communists, okay?

387. There ain't nothing sneaky about an evil like that.

388. Don't forget.

389. So Sergeant Stewart,

390. you got a girl back home waiting for you?

391. - I do.

392. Her name's Adeline.

393. - She's a babe.

394. - She's all I'm fighting for.

395. When we get out of this war,

396. I'm thinking I'll settle down and finally start that family.

397. - We'll get you out of here, son.

398. Back home to your sweet Adeline.

399. And when you finally get back there

400. and start that family you've always dreamed about,

401. you could have five kids.

402. 11 kids.

403. And I want you to spend 15 minutes a day with each of them.

404. Yeah, and I want you to name one of them after me.

405. Ali, your wartime buddy.

406. Yeah.

407. When little Ali Stewart asks where he got his name from,

408. you could say your wartime buddy, Ali.

409. The one who made it through the whole war

410. without taking a single hit,

411. and managed to do it with a smile.

412. But then you look at him, square in the face,

413. and you smile like I do.

414. Like this.

415. - Ali, Ali, Ali!

416. No, no, Ali!

417. Ali, no, no!

418. No!

419. No, no!

420. War is war, and war is hell, and hell never changes.

421. - James!

422. - Adeline?

423. Adeline?

424. Adeline, Adeline!

425. - James!

426. - Adeline!

427. - James!

428. - Adeline!

429. - James!

430. James!

431. - Another goddamn VC trip mine.

432. - I don't think we can do anything for her now,

433. she's too far gone.

434. - What do you think she was doing

435. in the forest?

436. - I don't know,

437. maybe she was trying to start a family.

438. No one ever really comes home

439. from the war,

440. but losing Adeline was a blow I didn't recover from.

441. Those wounds are why I'm the man I am today.

442. When I came back to the States,

443. I tried my hand at the clergy again.

444. - Now Doug, there may be some discomfort

445. during the ceremony,

446. but that it entirely within the realm of reason.

447. Do not hesitate to speak out, to call out

448. if you feel something, if you feel anything extraordinary.

449. - Okay, thank you.

450. - Don't thank me.

451. Not yet.

452. - Are you feeling anything?

453. - Anxiety.

454. - It's quite normal, anything else?

455. - It feels a little hot in here.

456. - Yes, yes, all normal.

457. Feel deeper, feel what's deep inside of you, Doug.

458. Is it monsters, is it demons, or something of the like?

459. These are our subjects now.

460. - I feel empty, as if there's so much I can do,

461. but no way to do it.

462. - Empty?

463. - No, no, that's not the right word.

464. I feel, I feel...

465. - I feel...

466. I feel

467. Hungry!

468. - Doug, Doug!

469. Stop the seance, stop!

470. Doug, are you okay?

471. Doug, Doug?

472. - Now the hounds of hell are truly loose.

473. What have I done?

474. - Crikey, it's the dragon warrior.

475. Alright, here's the plan.

476. We're gonna use Master Wei Chan's famous arc method

477. of attack.

478. As I'm sure you two remember,

479. it's a three-prong spring forward from all sides at once.

480. I think that'll overwhelm and confuse him.

481. Wait, let me write this down.

482. Okay Jenny, you head left down the side.

483. I'm gonna use my fast movements—

484. - Choi-Min is going to spring to the tree there.

485. - I'm pretty sure dinosaurs can't look up.

486. - Jenny, you got that?

487. Good, Choi-Min?

488. Good, always in.

489. That's what I like about you, Choi-Min.

490. Okay boys, no one lives forever.

491. Ya!

492. - Carol.

493. - Oh, Doug!

494. - I was attacked.

495. I was attacked on the way over here.

496. Oh god, I think I'm still bleeding.

497. I'm still bleeding.

498. - Where have you been,

499. I've been looking for you. - Father Stewart!

500. Father Stewart, he tried to exorcize me.

501. I think I killed him, Carol.

502. - Oh my god, I'm so sorry.

503. - I don't wanna hurt people.

504. I was put here to do good, I was put here to help people.

505. - You're not gonna hurt me.

506. - How do you know,

507. how do you know I'm not gonna hurt people?

508. - I know here.

509. There's no monsters in here.

510. I promise.

511. - I think I'm still bleeding.

512. - Just kiss me.

513. - Where did all these ninjas come from?

514. - I fought some ninjas last night.

515. Maybe they followed me home.

516. - You don't know who you're dealing with.

517. - Who are you working for?

518. - Remember your faith, Father Jones.

519. - Where am I?

520. - Who are you?

521. Where's Doug?

522. Come with me.

523. - I don't understand.

524. What do you do?

525. - The what?

526. - The spider's kiss blend.

527. - I don't understand.

528. What does drug smuggling have to do with Christianity?

529. - Everything.

530. - Manifest destiny, that's what we're doing here,

531. Father Stewart.

532. - You can't do this.

533. The Christian faith is what I believe with all my heart,

534. but you cannot forcibly convert the unwilling.

535. That's madness, that's inhuman!

536. - Doug will stop you.

537. - Good thing that ninja told us

538. where the hideout was before he died.

539. - Are you ready?

540. - Yeah.

541. But so are they.

542. - Still don't recognize me, do you, Doug?

543. - Wait.

544. That voice.

545. - Remember me now?

546. Brother?

547. - Sam.

548. You're my only son.

549. - Thanks, Dad.

550. You're my only son.

551. You're my only son.

552. You're my only son.

553. - No, it's impossible.

554. - You're not the only one who answered the call of God.

555. Brother.

556. - Sam, it's not too late.

557. Don't do this.

558. - You're blind, Doug.

559. You've always been blind.

560. I will not stain the sword of my ancestors with your blood!

561. For God!

562. You were always laughing, Doug.

563. What was so funny?

564. What was so funny?

565. You and Pop playing ball in the yard?

566. Well you're not gonna be laughing anymore.

567. I'm gonna be the one laughing when I kill you!

568. - Your ancestors are my ancestors.

569. - Carol!

570. Carol, Carol, Carol!

571. Carol, no, Carol, Carol.

572. - Doug, it's too late for me.

573. - No, no.

574. What am I gonna do?

575. I need you.

576. - You don't need me.

577. - Wait.

578. - But Doug.

579. - Listen.

580. I love you, Carol.

581. - Doug, you're better than them.

582. It's not because of your powers.

583. It never has been.

584. - I'm just one man. - A good man.

585. With a good heart.

586. That's all that has ever mattered.

587. That's all that's every changed anything.

588. I believe in you, no matter what happens today.

589. - What if I can't win?

590. - You will.

591. Of course you will.

592. Just have a little faith.

593. - Carol.

594. Carol.

595. - I believe in a higher power,

596. but praying right now will never save

597. your lives!

598. - Sir.

599. We tried.

600. You are the last one.

601. Do you have any last words?

602. Velocipastor!

603. - Only six.

604. I think my hand is immune.

605. - Oh, Carol.

606. - We did it.

607. Carol's wounds are healing up faster than we first thought.

608. She's expected to make a full recovery.

609. - Thank god.

610. - In fact, I think she's ready right now.

611. Did you wanna see her?

612. - You bet I would.

613. Carol?

614. Carol?

615. Carol.

616. Are you okay?

617. - I'm fine.

618. - You're fine?

619. - I'm fine.

620. You know the church won't stop with Wei Chan's death.

621. They were here.

622. They're gonna be somewhere else.

623. - China, Europe, all over the world, I suppose.

624. Now that I've officially resigned from the church,

625. I guess we'll have to sort things out all over the world.

626. It's a big job.

627. - There's a billion dollar bounty on your head, Doug Jones.

628. What are you gonna do next?

629. - What I do best.