The Trailer Park Boys Xmas Special (2004)

1. - I don't really get into the Christmas spirit that well.

2. It's just everyone is too stressed out this time of year.

3. Nobody just wants to hang out.

4. Ricky coming home this year, that might be make it better.

5. It's just kind of a lonely time of year for me.

6. What are you doing?

7. Give me my yarn back. That's not for fucking with.

8. Every Christmas,

9. it's the same thing. This present's staring me

10. in the face saying, Open me, open me.

11. But... I said I wouldn't open it

12. until I was with my family.

13. And you never know,

14. this might be the year that they come back, maybe.

15. - Yeah, Bubbles has had that present for years.

16. His parents left it for them the year they went away.

17. And he doesn't want to open it until they come back

18. which is actually pretty sad because they aren't going to.

19. But I guess he knows that. He just likes to hang on to it

20. and think about his family at Christmas time, you know.

21. - All right, I'll see you later on.

22. - Wait. Where are going? - Just going out.

23. - Well, wait for me.

24. - Merry Christmas, Jules.

25. Got you a little something.

26. A mistletoe belt buckle.

27. I made a special Christmas present for Julian.

28. It's a mistletoe belt buckle.

29. - You're supposed to smooch whoever's under the mistletoe.

30. So it's not too hard to figure out

31. what she's trying to say.

32. - I've got something to tell you.

33. Ricky's getting out of jail today. I bailed him out.

34. So maybe you should give that to him

35. because I'm not wearing it. All right.

36. - You bailed him out.

37. - Yeah. - Why didn't you tell me?

38. - Luce, we should go.

39. - Julian, he gets really greasy around this time of year.

40. Stealing presents out of trunks and stealing Christmas trees,

41. anything he can get his hands on to make a buck

42. or to get Lucy off his back.

43. - Julian is so obvious sometimes. He's going around

44. telling everyone that he's getting Ricky out of jail

45. so that Ricky and Lucy can spend some quality time together.

46. He's just tired of Lucy trying to bang him all the time

47. and wants to pawn her off on Ricky.

48. - Christmas to me is about one thing, money.

49. - Registration, no license,

50. no inspection.

51. Great, Bubble - shovel the fucking thing out first.

52. - If you want to be part of this contest,

53. you have to buy the lights from me.

54. - Julian, I'm not driving that car.

55. - Yes. - It's not legal for the road.

56. - Bubbles, I'm taking a contest call. One minute.

57. - Julian's having his Christmas contest.

58. He has it every year.

59. Whoever has the best set of lights in the park

60. wins a great big TV.

61. - Julian has got his big gang of morons out stealing

62. Christmas lights from the Scotsdale Subdivision.

63. He resells them to people in the park

64. and they have this big competition,

65. who can buy the most lights from Julian

66. wins a big screen TV. Where do you think the TV came from?

67. - Sets of lights, trees and stolen presents.

68. Listen to him back there.

69. Fucking Donald Trump.

70. - Cool. Check it out, Trev, it's a kids tool set.

71. - I believe it's got little bolts and everything, James.

72. - Jamie, Jamie, I said no kids presents.

73. Did I tell you guys that, huh? Did I tell you guys that?

74. - It's kind of hard to tell what they are

75. when they're wrapped and inside a car.

76. - Jamie smarten the fuck up.

77. - Don't worry, Bubbs, no one's going to pull you over.

78. Come on, man, do this for Ricky and Lucy.

79. We've got to get them back together for Christmas.

80. - But I'll make you a deal though, you and Ricky

81. are hanging out with me all Christmas day having a bonfire.

82. - I've got a lot of paper work to do tomorrow.

83. - I've got a lot too, so forget it, no deal.

84. - Maybe for a bit, okay. But please, be careful with the car.

85. - Julian, I'm not going to hurt the car.

86. It's your grandmothers. I know.

87. - It's Ricky's car now. And don't forget to tell him that.

88. - I won't. - Thanks, buddy.

89. - Can you give me a push, Mr. Lahey?

90. - Go nice and easy. Go.

91. - Put some balls into it.

92. - Is that fucking hash I smell?

93. Doug, you've got fucking hash, don't you.

94. I'm here smoking weed and you've got hash.

95. There's nothing better than being in jail at Christmas.

96. Guards let you party for twelve days straight.

97. Got no fucking work chores or book readings or Christmas trees

98. or giving gifts or fucking lights.

99. Fuck all that bullshit.

100. Let's get fucked up.

101. - Ricky, you've got someone here to see you.

102. - What are you talking about?

103. - Bubbles what are you doing here, buddy?

104. - Hey, Ricky, Julian bailed you out. You're out.

105. - What. - Get your stuff.

106. - Bubbles, no. I've got twelve days of break.

107. Come back in twelve days.

108. - Ricky, what are you talking about?

109. Come on. We're getting you out. Sign out.

110. - Oh, I don't want to leave now.

111. What the fuck's he doing bailing me out.

112. Fuck! Stevo!

113. Stevo, go get my shit. I'm getting the fucking out.

114. Christmas is fucking ruined.

115. I can't believe Julian bailed me out.

116. He knows how fucking cool it is at Christmas

117. and he ruins it any ways.

118. Julian's up to something, I fuckin' know he is.

119. Jesus Christ!

120. Dougie, fucking Chris passed out again.

121. I told you. He's drinking rum and smoking weed.

122. Keep him on the hash. You can't smoke weed and drink rum.

123. I haven't been out for fucking

124. Christmas since Trinity was born.

125. How the fuck do I handle Christmas, man?

126. - Ricky, you think I know how to deal with Christmas?

127. - Holy fuck! Isn't that the car Julian stored?

128. - Yeah, he did. And guess what, Ricky, it's yours now.

129. Christmas present from Julian. It's your car.

130. - No way.

131. - He wants you to impress Lucy so he gave it to you.

132. Lucy's in love with you again.

133. - Lucy's in love with me again?

134. - Apparently.

135. - Fuck!

136. - Ricky, what's wrong.

137. - I was wondering what dad's are supposed to do at Christmas.

138. Do you think I'll be able to get a hold of Santa Claus

139. to deal with all this shit, or what, man?

140. - Ricky, fuck!

141. Oh my god. What are you doing?

142. - I don't know, that fucking transmission

143. must be fucked up or something.

144. - Is the transmission drunk, Ricky? Cause you are.

145. - Fuck! - Be careful.

146. Oh my god!

147. - Bubbles, it's winter time.

148. I'm not used to driving this. I'm usually in jail.

149. - Ricky, you should have let me drive, I think.

150. - We better get out of here

151. before the fucking guards see this shit.

152. - Rock it, Barb. Rock it.

153. - I'm rocking it.

154. - Slower, Barb. Slower.

155. Barb, slower.

156. Stop hold it and turn it off.

157. - Off.

158. - Fuck.

159. - Don't tell me they let you out of jail.

160. - Get this car out of the way. We've got to get through.

161. - Welcome back, Rick.

162. - Jim gets a bit stressed out this time of the year.

163. I have tremendous responsibilities at the church

164. and Jim tries to help out, but he starts thinking about liquor

165. like clockwork and he's counting the minutes.

166. - Barb says it's okay for me to have a couple of drinks.

167. Why not? I deserve it.

168. I'm not an alcoholic.

169. I just enjoy a couple of drinks at Christmas time.

170. - You know he gets so drunk. He can't remember anything.

171. He falls down completely wasted, totally annihilated.

172. But to be fair, you know, it must be hard for him

173. so I don't mind letting him rip one day a year. Christmas day.

174. - Nothing is going to ruin this Christmas.

175. - Merry Christmas, Rick.

176. - What is so fucking merry about it? Move the fucking car.

177. - Don't push me, Ricky?

178. - Jim, just ignore him. Move the car.

179. - How can I move the car, Barb. The car is stuck.

180. - Lahey, get a shovel and get it out of the fucking way

181. or I'm going to press right through the fucking thing.

182. - Park the car down the road and walk to where you going.

183. - Jim, do you want to lose your Christmas liquor privileges?

184. - You heard, Lahey.

185. Move the fucking car or you're not getting drunk at Christmas.

186. - I'm getting drunk at Christmas

187. and even you aren't going to stop me.

188. - You want to fucking go? You want to fucking go?

189. - That's it. No liquor this year. I'm serious, Jim. Come on.

190. - What a shame. No drunk Lahey this year.

191. - You are going to regret this, Ricky.

192. - Really. You're going to regret not moving your car.

193. I'm driving, Bubbs. - Ricky.

194. - Look what you've done, Jim.

195. No liquor, Jim.

196. - We've got to fucking talk right now.

197. How dare you bail me out of fucking jail

198. at Christmas time, man. You've ruined my fucking Christmas.

199. - Thanks a lot for the pop, Julian.

200. - It's good to see you too, Rick.

201. - Listen. I'm going to teach you something.

202. Christmas is about family not about jail, all right?

203. Sorry I got you out so early,

204. but I've got some good news for you.

205. Lucy has been talking about you non-stop.

206. She wants to get back together with you.

207. - You better not be playing with me.

208. - I'm going to help you out here, get you a job,

209. a company car. You're going to start working for me

210. first thing tomorrow morning. What do you say about that?

211. The New Yorker's yours, bud.

212. What fucking strings have you contracted

213. to this fucking thing?

214. - It's the same thing we've been doing every year,

215. Christmas remarketing.

216. We're making a shit-load of money this year.

217. - Stealing fucking presents out of trunks again.

218. - Fine. How are you going to get presents for Trinity and Luce?

219. I'm going to set you up big time, Ricky. That's how.

220. - You think you're fucking Santa Claus all of a sudden.

221. You're not fucking Santa Claus, Julian.

222. And I don't need your fucking cherry trees.

223. I haven't always had the best Christmas.

224. But Santa always showed up. Always.

225. There's no reason he will not this year. Fuck, Julian.

226. - Hey. How's it going? - Hey.

227. - Hey, Ricky. - Hi, Sarah.

228. Is Trin still up? - No, she's at my mom's.

229. I only just found out that you were getting back today, Rick.

230. - That sucks.

231. I was just wondering if I could talk to you.

232. Actually alone. Sarah do you mind?

233. Just talk to Lucy. Just me and her.

234. - Ricky, it can't be the same bullshit as it was before.

235. - Lucy, I thought you wanted to get back together with me.

236. - Well I do. You know, maybe if you figure out

237. all this Christmas stuff, you know.

238. - Lucy, like whatever it takes.

239. - I'm really glad you said that because you know what,

240. I came up with a list of stuff.

241. And if you can pull this together man, like,

242. it would be perfect and we could really

243. finally figure it out, you know.

244. What do you think?

245. - Yeah. It's no problem.

246. Santa Claus will take care of all of this stuff.

247. - Really? - Yes.

248. - Fuck, man, that would be great.

249. - I just asked Lucy to put together

250. some conditions to give to Ricky

251. so we have a good family oriented Christmas this year.

252. Things on the list are not showing up drunk

253. for Christmas dinner, filling up our furnace tank with oil.

254. He needs to get at least seven presents for Trinity.

255. And Lucy really wants a fur coat, so that's on the list too.

256. - Hey, Dad.

257. - Ricky, buddy. Ah man, it's great to have you home.

258. Hey, man. Country liquor from the valley, boy.

259. Some hoosh. Get that into you.

260. Come on, Ricky. Drink it up, buddy.

261. - Hey, guys. - Hey, Bubbs.

262. - Listen, you mind if I hang out with you guys for a bit?

263. - Come on, boys, drink up.

264. - Listen, if I'm interrupting any father/son stuff,

265. you give me the word and I'm out.

266. - No problem, Bubbles. Stay where you are, buddy.

267. So tell me, buddy, what did you learn about being a man

268. on the inside this time around, man?

269. - Dad, not this shit.

270. - No shit, Ricky, I'm talking about your soul.

271. And we're going to midnight mass tomorrow too, boys.

272. - No. - That's the way it goes.

273. What did you learn about being a man?

274. - Mostly just family stuff. I mean.

275. Well, a man is supposed to...

276. always be thinking about stuff about his family,

277. and for to make himself to do things

278. that are going to gooder the family around or gooder it up.

279. And that is what is a man.

280. - Yeah. No, you're right.

281. But did you ever wonder about why a smart guy like you

282. is on this earth, Rick? Smart guy with a good soul.

283. A good guy that shouldn't be in jail.

284. - Dad, don't be dissing jail.

285. Seriously, don't fucking diss jail.

286. - I'm not dissing jail, buddy.

287. I'm talking about your spirituality here.

288. Come on, your spirituality.

289. - I write letters every year.

290. I'm sending a letter to the Big Guy tomorrow.

291. So, it's taken care of. Done. No problem.

292. - Huh.

293. - The letters. You and mom got me to write them

294. every year at Christmas. I'm sending on off tomorrow.

295. - To Santa Claus, Rick? - Yeah, the Big Guy.

296. - The Big Guy? The Big Guy, that's God, Ricky.

297. - Yeah God. That's what I said, Santa.

298. - Ricky, you know that Santa and God

299. aren't the same guy, right?

300. - Dad, you didn't know that? Think about it.

301. How do you think he gets around the world in one night?

302. Of course he's the same person. Right, Bubbs?

303. - No, Ricky. Santa and God, that's two different things.

304. - What?

305. Oh, my fuck!

306. You know I did maybe think

307. that I fucked that up, I wasn't sure.

308. I didn't want to say anything just in case Santa was God.

309. But obviously, probably wouldn't it piss him off

310. that I mixed them up like that?

311. - Jesus! Yeah, Ricky, but..

312. - You never mixed that up? - No.

313. - Bubbs, you never mixed that up?

314. - No, Ricky, I've never mixed that one up.

315. Ricky, were you counting on Santa

316. cvto bring presents to Trinity?

317. - Yeah. What, Santa's not coming now?

318. - No, Rick. No.

319. - Well, that's fucking bullshit.

320. Well, I've got no presents. What am I suppose to do?

321. I need presents for Lucy and Trinity.

322. Great. Christmas is fucked.

323. - If Ricky thinks he can fuck up my Christmas

324. drinking privileges, he is sadly mistaken.

325. They fuck up my Christmas, I fuck up their Christmas.

326. - I'm begging you. Just take me with you.

327. - All right, I'm going to be a nice guy

328. and give you a second chance.

329. But let me make myself clear, Rick,

330. I'm running a business here.

331. I don't give a fuck about Lucy and all that shit.

332. So you do your Christmas shopping on your time, not mine.

333. Are we clear? - Yeah, man.

334. Thanks, Julian. I really appreciate it.

335. - It's nothing personal. It's just business, all right?

336. - Hey, Bubbs. - Hey, boys. What are you up to?

337. Listen, can you guys help me round up

338. some wood for a bonfire?

339. - Sure, buddy. Just going to head down to the mall first.

340. - Boys, get these trees delivered. Come on.

341. - Hurry the fuck up. We've got to go down to the mall.

342. Fucking nerds.

343. - Nerds.

344. - What the fuck are you guys doing? Grab a tree.

345. Both of you. One each.

346. - You want one of these ones? - Just grab a fucking tree.

347. - Nerds, let's go.

348. - Julian, I can't get the tree out. It's stuck.

349. - You can't get the tree out cause you're a nerd.

350. Why are there two nerds carrying one tree?

351. One tree per nerd.

352. Goddamn fucking nerds.

353. - Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

354. - Ricky! Fuck, man. What are you doing?

355. - Sorry, man. I'm not used to this driving in winter stuff.

356. Fuck, man, it's a big car.

357. Is this a scratch?

358. Just take it out of my first fucking pay cheque.

359. - Every bit of damage you do to this car, you're fixing.

360. - All right.

361. - For fuckssakes!

362. - Jesus, Ricky.

363. - All right, everybody grab a crowbar.

364. - Ricky, what are these for?

365. - Shopping.

366. - Ricky, can't we just get out of here?

367. You're going to wind up back in jail.

368. - The cops don't give a fuck about breaking into cars.

369. We're not going to go to jail. Check that out, buddy.

370. - He locked the keys in the car. Merry Christmas.

371. - You know, Christmas is the time when those of us

372. who are more fortunate can give something back.

373. And that's why I like to volunteer here at the church.

374. - Are you going for cheeseburgers soon, Barb?

375. - Double cheeseburger, no pickle.

376. Hi there. Thank you very much.

377. - Hey, do you like to party? - Excuse me.

378. - Do you like to party?

379. - Oh my god.

380. Randal, are you a male prostitute?

381. - Barb Lahey?

382. - You are.

383. You're a male prostitute and you've been drinking.

384. - No, I'm not a male prostitute.

385. I work construction down in Florida.

386. I've got time off for Christmas.

387. - Randal...

388. - Okay, I am a male prostitute and I've had a couple of drinks.

389. - Oh my god. You poor thing.

390. Go on. Get in my car and warm up.

391. Do you like cheeseburger?

392. - Alright, boys. Mall security is going to be here soon.

393. We hit three more cars and we're out of here.

394. - It's nothing. Three more cars, buddy. Here.

395. - No, actually, Ricky, no more cars.

396. I'm out of here. I'll have a bonfire by myself.

397. - Bubbles, come on.

398. - Pass me some gifts.

399. All right.

400. Hurry up. Move, move, move, move.

401. - You know who I really feel bad for at Christmas time

402. is Bubbles. He's such a sweet guy, you know.

403. And all he wants to do is hang out with Ricky and Julian

404. but they don't make time for him.

405. They're too caught up in their business schemes or whatever.

406. He just loves them so much. It's a sin, actually.

407. - Randal, would you give me a hand with the groceries, please.

408. - Sure.

409. - Come on.

410. - Simon?

411. - No, this is Jim and Jim this is Randal.

412. Well, Randy. He's going to be staying with us

413. for a little while. Just temporarily.

414. I thought he could help you out around the park

415. for a bit of food and a place to stay.

416. - Stay with us?

417. - Well, yes.

418. And that is why I started the outreach program at the church.

419. You just make yourself at home, Randy.

420. - Simon, you're married?

421. - Don't you say a fucking word and don't call me Simon.

422. Please never call me Simon, always call me Mr. Lahey.

423. Always, always.

424. - The last Christmas I got to spend

425. with my parents before they left,

426. we had a great big Christmas bonfire.

427. It was a lot of fun.

428. Dad was driving rig then

429. and he made it home just in time.

430. Mom closed down the bakery

431. and brought some muffins and stuff home.

432. We sat around and had a big bonfire.

433. I don't think Ricky and Julian realize how fun bonfires are?

434. I've been trying to tell them,

435. but until you've been at one,

436. you just don't know how much fun they are.

437. - I can't believe all these presents

438. that you've found for us.

439. - My new job is going awesome.

440. - That's great. Hey, some of these are kinda weird though.

441. What's Trin going to do with a belt sander?

442. Hey, where's my fur coat?

443. - Well, I've been looking, Luce, and you know hopefully I am...

444. - Hopefully?

445. Do you want to get back together with me or what?

446. You know, I gave you a very, very simple list.

447. I want a fucking fur coat.

448. You don't find one for me, we're fucking done.

449. - Shut the fuck up! - Brenda, you shut the fuck up!

450. - Maybe someone can tell me why penitentiary services

451. are letting all the reprobates out at Christmas time.

452. - You know, Jim, this is the time of year

453. you're supposed to be able to turn the other cheek.

454. Why don't you just leave those guys alone?

455. And you're not a cop anymore.

456. - Mr. Lahey, I don't want to but into your personal life.

457. - Then don't, Smokey.

458. - If I have to call you Mr. Lahey,

459. I want you to call me Randy. My name is Randy.

460. - Well, Randy, why don't you elf-off

461. and have a look around the park.

462. I don't think you gonna be staying with us too long.

463. - Julian, I appreciate the fucking opportunity here,

464. but I have to go shopping. You don't understand Lucy.

465. - It's going to be taken care of, okay.

466. - Boys, check out the bonfire wood I got.

467. - Lucy needs a fucking fur coat.

468. So what are you telling me to do about that, Mr. Genius cock?

469. - I've got a tip on a delivery of fur coats going to the mall.

470. Want me to get this going right now.

471. Hey, boys, get over here. All right, listen up.

472. I want you to go hide near the loading bay of the mall.

473. Wait for a 5 tonne truck.

474. As soon as it arrives, wait for the driver to leave.

475. Break in. Take all the coats and whatever else you can get.

476. This is going to be easy, boys.

477. It's the only fucking delivery that day.

478. Don't fuck this up.

479. - Guys, I've got nothing Lucy wants for Christmas.

480. So I'm counting on you guys.

481. I want the fur coat wrapped in a big fucking box.

482. Make it look nice. Please guys. You've got this or what?

483. - Got it.

484. - Julian, can you explain it one more time to us?

485. - Jamie... - I've got it, Julian.

486. Don't worry.

487. - Randal?

488. - Yeah, man, but I go by Randy now.

489. Gees, I didn't think anyone would remember me.

490. - Randal's grandfather used to live in the park years ago.

491. We used to hang out with Randal all the time

492. playing Dinkies and what not

493. till Ricky jammed them full of peanut butter

494. and Cheese Whiz that time

495. and left them out in the sun

496. and it got all baked on and wouldn't come off.

497. I don't think we hung out with him much after that.

498. God, I remember. What are you doing around here?

499. How come you have an elf suit on?

500. - Right on, man. Hey, guys, what's going on?

501. What have you been up to? Are you working?

502. - We're out stealing Christmas trees from lots and stuff.

503. - Julian hooked everybody up with a Christmas tree this year.

504. It's awesome. - Don't go blabbing, Corey.

505. - You guys are going to get us in trouble

506. with Ricky and Julian. Not cool.

507. - Julian stealing trees?

508. - Randy, don't say anything, please.

509. We could get into a lot of trouble.

510. - Fuck!

511. - Mr. Lahey, Corey and Trevor told me

512. that every Christmas tree in the park is stolen.

513. - Is that right? - Yeah.

514. - A little elf told me.

515. - This fucking tape.

516. - Ricky, stop fucking with the tape.

517. - Boys, listen. Sorry to interrupt here and everything,

518. but are we going to have a bonfire, or what?

519. - Not right now, we've got important Christmas shit

520. to take care of.

521. - Important is it, Julian. Is this what's important?

522. Stolen presents and stolen lights and stolen trees.

523. - What the fuck was that?

524. - Take a guess. What are sirens usually bolted to the roof of?

525. - Right there. - Do something.

526. - What the fuck is going on here, Lahey?

527. - Repossessing stolen property. - What fucking stolen property?

528. - Tagged Christmas trees stolen from various lots.

529. Jim here says that you might be able

530. to tell us how they got sold in the park.

531. - Did you buy anything from me?

532. - Well not you personally, Julian, but...

533. - You don't have any direct evidence?

534. - Well...

535. - Fuckin' bastards.

536. - Would anyone be willing to tell me

537. who they bought their Christmas tree from this year.

538. - Well, I don't know. Would anyone here?

539. - I know they probably stole the trees, Jim,

540. but I can't do anything about it without evidence.

541. I can only take the trees.

542. Jesus, man, you used to be a cop. Evidence, Jim, evidence.

543. - Evidence, Jim.

544. - Evidence, Mr. Lahey. You have her in there?

545. - I probably should have furthered my investigation

546. before acting.

547. But it was a mistake born out of a simple desire for justice.

548. But in the future, I'm going to make sure

549. I have all my evidence in before I make the call.

550. Never going to make that same mistake again. Never.

551. - Somebody move that car.

552. - Not a problem, officer.

553. - What the fuck are you doing?

554. - Go forward, Ricky.

555. - Ricky, take it forward. You're hooked on his door.

556. Cut the wheels. Make the arse end go right.

557. - You're paying for every bit of that damage.

558. We're fucking suing you.

559. Julian, that was not my fault.

560. - Whose fault was it, Rick?

561. - Knock, knock, Lahey. - Whose there, Ricky?

562. - Fucking shitty, fucking trailer park supervisor

563. who hangs around with a big gutted drunk elf.

564. He thinks he's getting us thrown back in jail,

565. but he can't 'cause he's got no evidence. He's dumb as fuck.

566. He's got this other thing going on in his head

567. that's trying to twirl you around.

568. Fucking. Get different... fuck.

569. - Nice train wreck, Ricky. - Fuck off, Lahey.

570. - Julian, everything is fucked here.

571. Do you think those idiots got that fur coat for Lucy yet?

572. - Don't worry about it, Rick. Those guys are smart.

573. They're going to have your coat for you, all right.

574. Right now we gotta get some more trees for those people

575. before there's a riot on our hands.

576. I'm going to need your help too, Bubbs.

577. - No sweet fucking way, Julian. I'm done.

578. I'm done. Don't want to get ripped off.

579. - Where the fuck are we going to get Christmas trees now?

580. - What do you mean you're not allowed to drink, Mr. Lahey?

581. What's one drink going to hurt?

582. - You're absolutely right, Randy. I'm in charge here.

583. And if I want to have a couple of drinks around Christmas,

584. why the hell shouldn't I?

585. After all, don't I deserve it?

586. - Oh, Jesus! Lahey, my pants. They're ruined.

587. - Christ. I'm sorry, Randy.

588. Look, you slip out of those.

589. I've got a couple of extra pairs in the bedroom.

590. I'll put those in the washer.

591. - What a mess.

592. - Nice.

593. - Jim, what are you doing

594. drinking rum in your underwear with a male prostitute?

595. - Barb... we spilled egg nog all over our pants.

596. And... I was using the rum to get the stain out.

597. - Oh, I see. Like using white wine to get red wine out.

598. You were using dark rum, your drink of choice,

599. to get out the egg nog.

600. - Exactly. - Of course.

601. Don't bother coming to midnight mass

602. and embarrassing me.

603. - I embarrass you now. Do I, Barb?

604. - You go ahead and drink your face off. I don't care.

605. - Wait, wait! Ricky, wait for me.

606. - Hey, Bubbs. - Ricky, stop!

607. - What are you doing? - Wait.

608. Hey, boys.

609. Listen, are you guys going to be doing anything illegal?

610. - No, well yeah. A little bit. Not too bad.

611. - Can I go with you? I'll just wait in the car.

612. - If you want to. - Yeah, sure, man.

613. - Yeah, I do. I want to.

614. - Cool. This is going to be fun, Bubbs.

615. - Best lights in the park win a big screen TV.

616. Guess what, Julian?

617. I've already won.

618. - Let's go in and get some trees. Who's in charge here?

619. - Well, you're in charge.

620. - Those fucking dummies are asleep again. Let's do it.

621. Make sure you take the tags off the trees this time.

622. - What the fuck do you think you're doing?

623. - Just here to buy some trees.

624. - You're here to steal some trees.

625. We've been waiting for you pricks.

626. - You charge way too much for your trees anyway.

627. - Get in the car. I'll cover you.

628. - Ricky, for fuckssakes.

629. Pop the trunk.

630. - Fuck the door. Get in the fucking car.

631. - Pop the trunk. Pop the trunk. - Get in the fucking car.

632. - Come on, Julian. - Nice fucking driving, Ricky.

633. - Boys, let's go. We've got to get to church.

634. - I can't go to church. I've got dope from jail

635. and I'm going down to the pool hall to make some money.

636. - Ricky, it's Christmas.

637. We're going to church. That's the way it goes.

638. - Ray, I've got gifts to sell. I can't go to church.

639. - I'm not going to church.

640. - Way it goes!

641. Way it goes, boys.

642. - Well, you heard him, boys.

643. - I guess we're going to church.

644. - We've got to move some merchandise tonight

645. because it's going to be worth a lot less tomorrow.

646. - We've got to talk to you about Lucy's gift.

647. - I don't want to talk about Lucy's gift.

648. Just be at the church and be ready.

649. Don't fuck this up, boys.

650. If you do, I'm going to be hard on you

651. for the rest of your lives.

652. - This is really important, Ricky.

653. - Corey, I don't want to hear.

654. Just be at the church and be ready.

655. - Guys, I want you to go door to door.

656. Give everyone a refund and tell them that it's your fault.

657. - No, it's not okay. We're not idiots.

658. - Yeah, we're not going to do that.

659. - Me and Corey will do it, Julian.

660. - Thank you.

661. - Come on, Tyler.

662. - Look at this now.

663. - I've got the best Christmas tree lights,

664. so you might as well hand over the big screen TV right now.

665. - Lahey, I'm not judging the contest

666. until after midnight mass.

667. - Just tell him the truth. You can't win the contest

668. because you didn't buy your lights and tree off Julian

669. so get the fuck out of here both of you.

670. - Lucy, I've got an awesome surprise for you inside.

671. Give me a second I've got to take care

672. of a bit of business out here.

673. Anyone want some weed and hash? Ten bucks a gram.

674. Weed and hash, ten bucks a gram.

675. Come on here. I know somebody wants some weed and hash.

676. - What the hell you doing selling dope at church, Ricky?

677. That's disrespectful, man, come on.

678. - You're selling presents, stealing lights and trees

679. for a fucking big screen TV... Come on, that's disrespectful.

680. - These are my customers, all right?

681. - Ten bucks a gram.

682. - Listen to yourselves.

683. You ever stop to think what the Big Guy up there

684. might be thinking looking down at this going on.

685. - Bubbles, give me a second here. Weed and hash.

686. Fuck!

687. - Julian, you promised.

688. - For fuck sakes. Weed and hash. Ten bucks a gram.

689. - Julian, you said anything you don't sell

690. you'll give back to the church. Now that's the least you can do.

691. - Of course I will. Come on, let's get in there.

692. - Want some weed and hash, ten bucks a gram.

693. I'll meet you guys in there,

694. I got to move some more dope here.

695. Come on, I know people smoke dope.

696. The sermon makes a lot more sense if you're stoned.

697. Ten bucks a gram, it's awesome dope.

698. You want to help me win a contest, little elf?

699. Sure.

700. Perhaps with a little drinkie-poo.

701. You're fucked, Mr. Lahey.

702. Couple of drinks, Randy.

703. If I can't play, Randy...

704. no one can.

705. - Tyler, have you ever tried marijuana?

706. - I don't know, Jamie, marijuana's pretty hard core.

707. - No, it isn't. Everybody's doing it.

708. I think we should try it.

709. - That sounded pretty cool.

710. - That's mine.

711. - You're brilliant, Mr. Lahey. - Thanks, Randy.

712. - Hey, guess what, it's 12:01.

713. You can officially start to drink.

714. - I say we poor a stiff one and head down to church, boy.

715. - This guy's awesome.

716. - Anyone want some weed or hash, ten bucks a gram.

717. Awesome weed. Awesome hash.

718. - Before we begin tonight I'd like to take a moment

719. to reflect on the victims in our community,

720. including myself, who have had

721. their cars broken into at the mall

722. and had Christmas gifts stolen.

723. A crime such as this reminds us

724. that even at a joyous time such as Christmas

725. there are those who are desperate and given to crime.

726. - Ten bucks. Best weed, best hash you'll smoke

727. over Christmas, guarantee.

728. - Ricky. Ricky we're up here.

729. - How's it goin'? Nerds.

730. - Please be seated, gentleman.

731. - Just gimme a second here.

732. I've got something to take care of.

733. - Sir, could you please keep it down.

734. - Chill the fuck out. I've got to take care of someone.

735. It'll take a minute here.

736. Then get back to your little thing.

737. Lucy. - Hi.

738. - I thought this Christmas was going to suck.

739. I got out of jail and jail's awesome.

740. Then I found we were back together and all of a sudden

741. Christmas was going to be wicked, so... Come on up, guys.

742. Lucy, I want you to open this up in front of all these people

743. so we're going to be officially back together.

744. - Oh my god.

745. - Open it up. You're going to love it.

746. What's this? Arc welder.

747. - An arc welder. - Nerds, what the hell is this?

748. - You're embarrassing me in front of all these people.

749. - Lucy, I'm sorry it was a mix up.

750. - It's over. It's totally ruined.

751. - Lucy.

752. - Hello, everybody. Hope I'm not too late.

753. - Hi, I'm Jim Lahey...

754. and this is my wife, Barb.

755. She doesn't like me anymore.

756. She doesn't want me to drink, do you, Barb?

757. Hi, Bubbles.

758. How's the stolen Christmas tree racket going, Bubbs?

759. - Frig off, Lahey.

760. You know what, I'm going to state for the record

761. and for the Lord Almighty that I wasn't involved in that.

762. Ricky, I'm getting out of here.

763. This isn't what Christmas is about.

764. Craziness and drunk Santas

765. with old dirty grocery bags hooked to their ears.

766. - Here, take a bit of dope. - I don't want any dope

767. I'm going home.

768. - Nice going, Lahey.

769. Real nice.

770. - You write your little letter to Santy Claus yet, Ricky?

771. - That's pretty fucking funny. You know how it starts?

772. "Dear Santa Claus, go fuck yourself."

773. - Did you just tell me to go fuck myself, Ricky?

774. - Yeah, Santa Claus, go fuck yourself.

775. - Boys, boys, boys. Break it up.

776. - Alright, you have embarrassed me

777. for the last time, Jim Lahey. I want a divorce.

778. - You got it, Pontiac.

779. - This is fucked.

780. - What?

781. - I need a minute here. I'm sorry.

782. I'll swearing and everything.

783. Sorry to interrupt,

784. but I have one of those brain learning things

785. pop up in my head that wasn't there a second ago.

786. It's about time to think of me around

787. that basically what is Christmas?

788. You know, I just got out of jail, which was awesome.

789. You know, in jail we don't have presents and lights and trees.

790. We just get stoned and drunk. It's the best time.

791. You know I get out here, I'm all stressed out.

792. My girlfriend breaks up with me and

793. that's not what Christmas should be.

794. It should be about getting drunk and stoned

795. with your friends and family. People that you love.

796. Who here is drunk right now?

797. How many people here are drunk besides Julian?

798. That's so awesome. God doesn't give a shit if you smoke dope.

799. You're in church so you can't lie.

800. How many people here are stoned right now?

801. Come on, how many people here are stoned right now?

802. That's what I thought. That's Christmas.

803. None of this presents, and lights and stress and shit.

804. Just getting drunk and stoned with your friends,

805. family and people that you love.

806. Bubbles... My friend Bubbles has been trying to teach me

807. what Christmas really is and I wasn't listening to him.

808. And I was at the mall stealing stuff and everything else.

809. Now, I realize, and he's back at the trailer park by himself.

810. I'm going to go back there with him and get drunk and stoned.

811. And everybody in here should do the same thing.

812. Get drunk and stoned with your families.

813. If you don't smoke dope or drink

814. just spend time with your families.

815. I'm going to get drunk and stoned with my friend Bubbles.

816. - Right on, Ricky. Fuckin' love you, bud.

817. - Love you too, Dad. - Yeah, man.

818. - I've got lots of dope left.

819. So guess what, merry Christmas. Free dope.

820. - Thank you. - Everybody get stoned.

821. Drink your faces off. Spend time with your families.

822. Merry Christmas.

823. - What the fuck is going on? Why's the power out?

824. - Well, there's power going to Lahey's,

825. so you can figure that one out.

826. - Fucking prick ruined the contest.

827. - Got your present out, huh.

828. - Yeah, I had it out.

829. - You're not trying to start a fire with just this, are you?

830. - Oh yeah, Ricky.

831. - We're going to have a big fire.

832. You know what I'm going to do,

833. we're going to burn Lahey's fucking decorations. Fuck him.

834. - Fuck!

835. Lahey's reindeers are going to burn fucking awesome, boys.

836. - Boys, listen up.

837. Sorry I stormed out of the church earlier

838. and everything but I'm all worked up.

839. I thought this might be the Christmas

840. when my mom and dad came back and I could finally

841. open my present

842. but I just can't open it without my family.

843. And I just can't take it anymore.

844. I'm burning the fucking thing.

845. - No, Bubbs, don't burn it.

846. Something you taught me tonight, what is about family.

847. See this, buddy.

848. Just a smoke, right?

849. Check this out.

850. - You can't break the cigarettes.

851. - That's right, buddy. And that's family.

852. We're your family.

853. We've got to stick together no matter what happens.

854. - You guys are my family.

855. - That's right, so you can open your gift now.

856. You don't have to throw it in the fire.

857. - I can open it. I'm with my family.

858. - What the fuck is that?

859. - It's a bubblemaker.

860. - I'll get an extension cord from Lahey's.

861. - What does it do?

862. - It makes bubbles, Ricky.

863. I always used to try to make bubbles when I was a little guy.

864. - Bubbles, there's something in here.

865. - My god, Ricky. I think it's a letter from my mom.

866. "Dear Bubbles, Merry Christmas.

867. "I'm sorry we're not there with you.

868. "It was the hardest thing I've ever done

869. "when me and your dad had to pack up and leave you.

870. "But some very dangerous men were coming after your daddy

871. "for his gambling, fighting and shooting his mouth off

872. drunk down at the legion."

873. Oh my god.

874. "We never wanted to put you into any jeopardy

875. "so we had to leave fast.

876. "Hopefully some day, you'll understand.

877. "P.S. I've asked Julian's grandmother

878. "if you could stay with them for a bit.

879. "She said, no problem,

880. "Julian would look after you.

881. "You're lucky to have a friend like Julian

882. "and that Richard boy who you try

883. to help out with his school work."

884. Oh my god. A letter from my mom.

885. - I hate to interrupt, boys, and spoil the mood,

886. but I need smokes, and papers and we need some mix.

887. Dad needs garbage bags.

888. You want to go down to the garage?

889. And get something to eat. I'm fucking starving too.

890. They've got microwavable subs.

891. - I hate eating at the garage, Ricky.

892. - I know, Bubbs. There's nothing else open.

893. - I love you, guys.

894. - Me too. - I love you too, man.

895. - It was pretty tough breaking up with Barb at Christmas.

896. But it gives me a lot more time to work around the park.

897. Randy has agreed to help clean up for a couple of days

898. before he heads back to Florida. Feel great.

899. - Lucy and I have been talking

900. a lot about family at Christmas time

901. and we've made a couple of New Year's resolutions.

902. And one of them is that Lucy never sees Ricky again

903. and another is she never sees Julian again.

904. - Too bad I couldn't give this thing away in this contest,

905. but you know, Lahey fucked up the whole contest.

906. So now I have to keep the thing.

907. Probably won't watch it much because,

908. you know, I like to keep busy, make some money.

909. I've been thinking about maybe going to university

910. and starting up a company or something.

911. Straighten out my life a bit.

912. - Well, hopefully in the new year, me and shopping carts

913. are done with each other.

914. I'm going to start selling my mitts down at the Fire Hall

915. if everything goes well and that's it. Shopping carts done.

916. - I actually had a great Christmas out of jail.

917. And I don't think I'll ever go to jail again.

918. And I don't need a fucking car to be happy.

919. Fuck the company car.

920. Julian can have it back, but I promised I'd fix it up

921. and get a new door put on 'cause the door is fucked.

922. You'll never catch me driving around

923. in a piece of shit like this.

924. - I used to worry all the time about getting caught up

925. in some kind of crazy bullshit that Ricky and Julian be doing

926. and maybe end up in jail because of it.

927. But I don't think that's going to happen.

928. I think, you know, everybody's going to get

929. their lives back on track and that's going to be it.

930. I'm feeling pretty good about things.

931. - Anyway, I got smoking beat. Quit that. Quit drinking.

932. That's going to be easy

933. and I'm trying to set higher goals for myself.

934. Maybe going back to school, get my grade ten.

935. That's the sort of stuff I think that Lucy wants to see.

936. And you know, it helps little Trinity

937. get things going on in her head 'cause she saw me do them.

938. That helps for to help with her thinking's.

939. It's time for me to grow up and be a responsible man.

940. I think I'm there.

941. CNST, Montreal