The Ringer (2005)

1. Chapter 4. You're a disgrace.

2. You're wasting my oxygen. Get off your butt and do something.

3. Hey, you, stop looking at the people around you.

4. I'm talking to you, the loser who bought this tape.

5. I've had bowel movements with more spine than you.

6. Do you like coming in second place?

7. Well, I don't. And from now on, neither do you.

8. Starting today, you're a winner, and you can do it. Got it?

9. I'm a winner.

10. Say it like you mean it, you little Judy.

11. I am a winner.

12. I'm a winner. I can do it.

13. I'm a winner. I can do it.

14. I'm a winner. I can do it.

15. I'm a winner. I can do it.

16. I'm a winner.

17. Ow!

18. Sir, I've been with this company two and a half years now

19. and all I've really done is some clerical work.

20. And I think I'm ready for some more responsibility.

21. Okay, Barker.

22. Well, what kind of responsibility are you looking for?

23. Look, I don't know, sir.

24. I just feel that I'm being underutilized here

25. and I can handle a hell of a lot more than what I've been given.

26. I'm just looking for the chance.

27. You know what, Barker? Maybe you're right.

28. Let's do it. Why not?

29. Let's move you upstairs, see how you do.

30. Give you a chance.

31. Wow, thank you. Thank you very much.

32. Uh-huh.

33. Yeah. Yeah. Put him through. I gotta take this.

34. - Oh. - Hello, Bull. Yeah, hang on.

35. Uh, yeah, wait, Barker.

36. Uh, do me a favor, will you, and fire Stavi.

37. The janitor?

38. Yeah. Hang on. Yeah, he's doin' a terrible job.

39. But he's a really nice guy. I mean, can't you give him a second chance?

40. I caught him using my personal bathroom.

41. I sat on his pee.

42. See you. Yeah.

43. Yeah, tell him to be on time. I'm tired of teeing off late.

44. Stavi.

45. Stavi.

46. Oh, hello, Mr. Stevie.

47. Did you get the Christmas card I sent you?

48. Yeah.

49. Hey, listen. I wanna talk to you for a second.

50. Stavi, you don't like your job, do you?

51. Oh, yes. I like very much.

52. I get to clean things.

53. Work with my hands.

54. Yeah, but you'd be happier doing something else.

55. I mean, you're a pretty bright guy.

56. No. Not really.

57. Of course you are, Stavi. You got a little bit of a language problem, but...

58. No, no.

59. In my country, Stavi not too bright either.

60. Look, trust me, you're wasting your time here.

61. Oh, no.

62. Oh, no.

63. Oh, no.

64. Stavi can't be fired.

65. I have five kids.

66. My wife, Bet ya... She died.

67. Oh, God. I'm sorry.

68. Stavi love her

69. from the depth

70. of his soul.

71. - Hey, I'm not firing you. - No?

72. No, I'm offering you something else, a better job.

73. Stavi listening.

74. Would you like to mow the lawn at my apartment complex?

75. I can do lawns. How much I get?

76. How much you get here?

77. 350 a week.

78. I can match it.

79. Tempting-

80. But...

81. I have so many memories here.

82. Four hundred?

83. And health benefits?

84. I can't really swing health benefits.

85. Please, Mr. Stevie.

86. I need health benefits.

87. I have big family.

88. You got 'em.

89. Come on.

90. Ew.

91. It's okay. It's not that big of a deal.

92. Somebody help me! I got a bag of fingers here!

93. My fingers!

94. Keep it elevated.

95. - Nurse! - Excuse me, sir. I can help you.

96. Who's Mr. Simicek's employer?

97. - Me. - I'm Dr. Ahmed,

98. head of reconstructive surgical group.

99. Uh, good news. We can save his fingers.

100. - Thank you. - Just a few questions.

101. What health plan is he on?

102. It doesn't say here anything.

103. Uh...

104. He's not on one yet.

105. He's not on an HMO?

106. How about Medicaid?

107. He doesn't have it. He's not a citizen.

108. Ooh! Well, in that case

109. you will need to cover the cost of the surgery up front.

110. Well, how much is it?

111. $28,000, not including the anesthesia.

112. I don't have that kind of money.

113. Well, I'm sorry, sir. As much as I'd like to help, I can't do the surgery.

114. - What? - Look, you don't have insurance.

115. You don't have any funds.

116. There's no way my hospital can absorb that kind of risk.

117. How long do I have to raise the money?

118. Well, if I put the fingers on ice, they can last for a couple of weeks.

119. After that, it's not doable.

120. I'm sorry, sir.

121. But, Doc...

122. Come on, Krysinszi. Make this field goal.

123. Dear God, if he puts it through the uprights,

124. I promise, no more massages with happy endings.

125. Here's the kick.

126. Oh, thank you, God! I put out to you, you dump on me.

127. Yo.

128. Uncle Gary, it's Steve.

129. Hey, shitbird.

130. Look, I hate to bother you, but,

131. I was calling you about that

132. 1,500 I loaned you a couple years ago.

133. Loan? I thought it was a gift.

134. No. That was definitely a loan.

135. - I already paid you. - No, you didn't.

136. What do you need 1,500 for? You got a job.

137. Well, actually, uh, I need 28 grand.

138. 28 grand? What did you do, knock up a cheerleading squad?

139. It's just a stupid thing. My friend got his fingers cut off, and...

140. Listen, I'd really like to help you out with this 1,500,

141. but, you know, you got me at a bad time now.

142. Shit. Gotta go.

143. Don't do...

144. You owe me $40,000

145. which I, as a friend, took your word that you would pay.

146. - And you haven't. - I will, Michael. I will. I promise.

147. I've got something working now. I promise...

148. You know something? You talk too much.

149. A lot of people say one thing we don't have today is heroes.

150. Hey, Michael. That guy you like's on TV.

151. His name is Jimmy Washington,

152. but to those who follow Special Olympics

153. he's known by one simple word, champion.

154. You see, Jimmy has won the last six Special Olympics pentathlons.

155. Incredible.

156. That guy's the Deion Sanders of retards.

157. I like to run and train hard for events

158. and get to show I can do anything.

159. When people tell me I'm good,

160. I feel good.

161. I feel like a happy person.

162. I feel just like all of you.

163. I love that kid.

164. Hmm?

165. Who is it?

166. It's Paris Hilton.

167. You have intimacy problems. You know that?

168. - What do you want? - I don't want anything. I want to help you.

169. I don't have any pot.

170. I don't want pot! I've got good news for you.

171. You said you had money problems, right?

172. - Right. - Well, so do I, but it's all gonna be over.

173. Wanna know how?

174. How?

175. We are gonna fix the Special Olympics.

176. Hmm?

177. Special Olympics. We're gonna rig it.

178. You and me.

179. You want to fix the Special Olympics?

180. You know what, Uncle Gary? I'm gonna get you a little coffee.

181. I'm not that drunk. There's this kid Jimmy.

182. Wins all the time. No one can beat him, right?

183. Wrong! You can.

184. - What are you talking about? - I'm talking about you.

185. You ran track in high school. You were state champion.

186. - Division D champion. - Whatever!

187. You were a great athlete, and you were the best kid in your drama class every year.

188. I was so proud of you. I kept a scrapbook.

189. - No, you didn't. - In my heart, I did.

190. You were a great actor. You were the best.

191. You could imitate anybody. Your Diana Ross, a riot.

192. We all thought you'd end up in Hollywood bangin' starlets by now.

193. Well, that dream didn't work out too good, now, did it?

194. Look, sit. Listen to your uncle.

195. The preliminaries are being held here in three days.

196. All you have to do is act like one of them.

197. Not exactly a major stretch for you.

198. We get you in, you get into the nationals, I bet 100 on you, we clean up,

199. your friend gets his fingers back.

200. Who's gonna take that bet? Vegas?

201. I know someone who will.

202. - No. I can't. - Aw, come on.

203. A normal guy against a bunch of feebs?

204. You'll look like Carl freakin' Lewis out there.

205. I am not fixing the Special Olympics. It's wrong!

206. - Hello. - I'll tell you what's wrong.

207. Your friend Stavi won't have any health benefits. That's what's wrong!

208. - Look, lwanna help, but... - But what?

209. The guy's wife is dead.

210. You think a guy with no fingers is gonna find another woman?

211. Even worse, when he comes home by himself,

212. he won't even be able to jerk off properly

213. because you robbed that man of his dignity!

214. Look, get it through your head. I am not fixing the Special Olympics.

215. Hi, guys.

216. Hi.

217. - Hello.

218. - How you feelin'? - Not too bad, Mr. Stevie.

219. Were you able to straighten out the insurance glitch?

220. Yeah, it's comin' along really good.

221. It's okay if you don't get insurance.

222. Stavi don't need all his fingers.

223. No, you need 'em, Stavi.

224. No, it's okay. I look on my bright side.

225. With not so many fingers, when I do the gardening, I don't crush the flowers.

226. I can pick them easy.

227. God always have a plan.

228. Look, I promise you I'm gonna get your fingers back for you.

229. You're a good man, Mr. Stevie.

230. Uh-uh, Stavi Three. Not a hugger.

231. Mmm-mmm.

232. Children, give Mr. Stevie a Stavi good-bye.

233. Bye, Stavi.

234. Poor Stavi. He trusted you. He believed in you.

235. He literally gave you his hand in friendship.

236. Did you know that man's dream was to play the flamenco guitar?

237. Okay.

238. I'll rig the Special Olympics.

239. Thank you. Finally, a little humanity.

240. It doesn't take a smart man to know what love is.

241. I love you, Jenny.

242. Okay, now you try.

243. Try What?

244. Acting like that.

245. Come on, man. Start taking this seriously.

246. Okay.

247. I love you, Jenny.

248. Hey, hey! Commit.

249. I love you, Jenny.

250. Better. Better.

251. Something's missing.

252. You should drool.

253. Okay, Uncle Gary. There you go. Good night.

254. Exciting. Isn't it exciting?

255. - What? - You're acting again.

256. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!

257. We gotta come up with a slogan.

258. A slogan, you know, like, "Life is like a box of chocolates."

259. Or, "Take my hands, boss,"

260. like that monster tard from The Green Mile.

261. "Monster tard"? What's wrong with you?

262. What? Since when did "tard" become politically incorrect?

263. Good night, Uncle Gary.

264. I'm going to hell.

265. My name is Lance, and I like nuts.

266. My name is Arthel, and I can count to potato.

267. Hi, my name is Jerome. Can I have a slice of your doodie?

268. Hello, my name is Jeffy, and I like to eat apples.

269. Boogie-woogie.

270. Whoo-hoo!

271. You take care of work like I told you?

272. Yeah, I got two weeks off.

273. - I told them my Uncle Gary just died. - Oh, that's sweet.

274. Come on, now. Let's not be antisocial.

275. Hi! My name is Glen.

276. Guess how many fingers I have.

277. - Ten. - No. No. No.

278. I have eight fingers, and I have two thumbs.

279. Oh, that's good. An oldie, but good. Come on.

280. Guess what! Guess what!

281. - What? - I work at Burger King.

282. Do you want fries with that?

283. What's your name?

284. Uh, Steve. Uh, Jeffy.

285. J-Jeffy.

286. You talk funny.

287. That's 'cause he's Canadian. Come on.

288. Hey, you know who else is Canadian? Bill Shatner.

289. - That's right. Keep walkin'. - Yeah, T.J. Hooker.

290. And Jim Carrey, the sad clown.

291. And Alan Thicke. Never got him.

292. And also Dave Thomas... Not the Wendy's guy, but the other one.

293. And Alanis Morissette. She has issues.

294. Hi! My name's Glen.

295. Oh, God, this is wrong.

296. - Oh, calm down. - This is so wrong.

297. Will you calm down?

298. Look, I can't do this.

299. - You have to. Come on. - No. Don't make me do this.

300. - Come on. - No. No.

301. Oh!

302. Oh! Oh! Are you all right?

303. You didn't hurt yourself, did you?

304. - No. - Are you all right?

305. - Yes. - You sure? Need a hand up?

306. You need a hand up?

307. No! Hey!

308. Hurt? Hey! No!

309. You're gonna take just a minute. You're fine?

310. Oh, you got some schmutz on you.

311. I'm Lynn. What's your name?

312. - I'm... - What's the matter, cat got your tongue?

313. His name's Jeffy. He's just a little shy.

314. I mean, you know how they are. God bless 'em.

315. Cat got my tongue. Cat got my... Cat got my tongue!

316. Yeah, it's a really stupid expression.

317. It sounds like a bad Dr. Seuss title.

318. Are you his guardian?

319. Yeah. Yeah.

320. It's tough, but, you know, someone's gotta feed him, change his underwear,

321. show him how to play with his puppets.

322. Yeah. Do you have his medical release forms?

323. Huh?

324. Well, we require medical release forms for all the athletes.

325. Paper's at home.

326. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

327. - I got all that stuff. It's at home. - Oh.

328. Sorry. I swear,

329. sometimes I think I'm the one who should be wearin' the helmet to bed.

330. Please. Please.

331. Don't let the little guy suffer because of my mistake.

332. I mean, look at him. Look at him.

333. He's got his heart set on competing. Don't you, Jeffy?

334. Go for gold!

335. Go for gold!

336. All right.

337. I'll let it slide for now.

338. Jeffy, do you wanna grab a POWERade or a granola bar or something?

339. - I just need to talk to your guardian. - Be a good boy, okay?

340. To place him in the appropriate events

341. I'm just gonna need to know his qualifying times and his diagnosis.

342. Well, he's slow. Real slow.

343. Jeffy want a V-8.

344. Okay.

345. You should see him trying to eat a watermelon.

346. Uh, I'm sorry. I mean his medical diagnosis.

347. Well, you know, Lynn,

348. technically, I'm not a doctor, but

349. it's a huge Latin word.

350. "Symptomus Moronicus." Uh...

351. Jeffy highly functioning developmentally disabled.

352. All right! Nice, Jeffy. Good for you!

353. All right. Well, let's just go sign in, shall we?

354. Good-bye, Uncle Gary.

355. - Very nice, Troy. Very nice, Rudy. - I think I got it.

356. - Good job, you guys. - Hey, Lynn.

357. - Hey, you eta yin' out of trouble, Winston? - No.

358. Yeah. Come on over this way.

359. We're going to this room over here.

360. Let's see if Billy is in.

361. Hey, Billy, your roommate is finally here.

362. Hi.

363. Lynn, a man wants to see you.

364. Oh, thank you. Okay. Well, I'll just let you two get acquainted.

365. My name's Jeffy.

366. So, you workin' on the computer there?

367. No, I'm walking my dog.

368. Oh.

369. "Kids Of Widney High."

370. What are they, like 'N Sync or something?

371. Oh!

372. Scratch!

373. Scratch!

374. Oh, my stars! For the love of Liza!

375. You scratched my CD!

376. Why'd you scratch his CD?

377. Jeffy just admiring it.

378. Do it again, and you'll be admiring my butt

379. from the pavement with a straw.

380. - What? - You heard me.

381. Thanks, Mark.

382. Asshole.

383. Billy, Jeffy sorry

384. about the whole CD incident.

385. You scratched my CD, you know.

386. I know, and I'm really sorry.

387. You scratched it.

388. You picked it up in clear daylight and you scratched it.

389. I know. You know, we've established that.

390. Hey, don't give me 'tude.

391. You scratched my CD, Tex.

392. Billy, if you'll listen to me, I'm clearly not disputing that.

393. - I'm just trying to apologize. - Tut, tut, tut. Bye-bye.

394. That's my chair.

395. Come on! Get up, get up, get up! Let's go, let's go, let's go!

396. So there are five events in the pentathlon.

397. We're gonna try you out in each of them so we can assess your ability

398. and see which athletes to put you with at the games.

399. - Can I be with Jimmy? - Pardon?

400. Jimmy from TV. Jeffy big fan.

401. You can be with Jimmy as long as you finish in the top eight.

402. But hey, if you don't, I'll still love you.

403. Okay, so here is the 100-meter dash

404. and this is your first event, so good luck.

405. Jeffy, the race.

406. - Jeffy forgot. - All right.

407. Well, go for it. Good luck.

408. On your mark! Set!

409. Good luck.

410. I don't need luck, ugly. Rudy beat your butt!

411. Runners, line up for the last race of the day

412. the 400-meter dash

413. which will determine the final divisions.

414. What are you doin'? What are you doin'?

415. Oh! There you go! Go, 90, 90, go!

416. Great job, Jeffy. You finished eighth in the competition.

417. You get to go to the finals with Jimmy.

418. I'm very proud of you.

419. - Good thinkin', pal. - Huh?

420. Holdin' back and lettin' seven others beat you.

421. Nice touch.

422. - You wanna bet on the Special Olympics? - Why not? It's sports.

423. Get this piece of crap out of here.

424. Look, look, look. I owe you 40 grand, right?

425. Well, a hundred grand says that Jimmy

426. is not gonna win the next Special Olympics.

427. Can you believe this guy?

428. He can't come up with my 40 G's

429. and now wants to bet a hundred G's.

430. I'll put up my house.

431. - You have a home? - Yeah. Under the freeway.

432. Let me get this straight. You wanna bet against the great Jimmy?

433. Uh-huh.

434. You know something?

435. You're sick. You need help.

436. But I'll tell you what. Before you get help, I'll take your house.

437. Come on, athletes! Only eight days to go till the games.

438. Let's go! Come on. I wanna see you beat those entry scores.

439. Two more laps. Let's go, guys. Like a champion.

440. Come on now! Move it out!

441. Hi!

442. My name is Thomas. What's your name?

443. Jeffy.

444. Um, tomorrow, I gonna talk to Karen.

445. She's a real good swimmer, and she can jump high too.

446. Um, and, um, did I tell you I got a watch?

447. My aunt sent it to me. Not my aunt Helen, my aunt Ruth.

448. And, um, when I talk to Karen,

449. should I wear my shirt up, like this, or down?

450. Or... Or up?

451. Or possibly...

452. tucked in?

453. I don't know, man.

454. Wear it like you're wearin' it. You look great.

455. What's that?

456. It's Jimmy!

457. Jimmy!

458. Can I have an autograph please?

459. - Get it off eBay. - Who is eBay?

460. How much until you guys are really happy?

461. Sorry.

462. Ignore. He has issues.

463. - My name is Glen. - Yeah.

464. - Hey, guess how many fingers I have. - Eight.

465. There you go. Next.

466. Wow.

467. These days always so brutal?

468. Good catchin' up with you.

469. Hi, Sally. Looking very hot today.

470. Is that a new hairnet?

471. Oh, Mylanta. You are my woman.

472. She's nice.

473. I once met a girl speed dating.

474. We almost went out for a whole minute.

475. This is my Doberman, Candy.

476. He usually doesn't bite me,

477. only sometimes, although, he does.

478. Uh, Glen, could you pass the ketchup please?

479. Uh-huh.

480. Glen, can you pass the ketchup?

481. Uh-huh.

482. Yes, I could.

483. Whoa!

484. You asked if I could pass the ketchup.

485. You didn't ask if I would! You didn't ask if I would!

486. You didn't ask if I would!

487. Guess what! Guess what! I work at Burger King!

488. You mentioned that.

489. But if you would pass the ketchup, I would really appreciate it.

490. You talk different.

491. What do you mean?

492. - You do talk different. - Jeffy talks the same.

493. You talk different than you did before.

494. Why do you talk different than you did before?

495. - Jeffy talks the same. - No. You talk different than you did.

496. - Am not! - Oh, yes you are!

497. And one time he talked one way,

498. and now he... Now he talked the other way.

499. - Exactly! - Is there a problem, you guys?

500. Jeffy talked different than he did before!

501. Jeffy just wanted some ketchup, and Jeffy wanted an apple, and, uh...

502. Can I have a hug?

503. - Sure. Sounds the same to me, guys. - Could have fooled me.

504. Watch out for this wisenheimer, Jeffy. He can be trouble.

505. Oh! Remember last year when we were walking and then you barfed?

506. That's 'cause I had spicy clams.

507. Yeah. And then you didn't wake me up on time

508. so I didn't have lunch, I had breakfast.

509. You know what? I'm gonna go say hi. I'll see you later.

510. Jeffy, want some company?

511. - Hi. - Hi.

512. How's it going?

513. Uh...

514. Guess how many fingers I have.

515. - Ten? - No. I got eight, and two thumbs.

516. Hey, what are you doing tomorrow?

517. Uh, nothing. Uh, why?

518. Well, I thought maybe you and I could do something.

519. Me and you?

520. Yeah, I thought maybe we could have lunch.

521. Jeffy could maybe fit you in.

522. Okay, great. So I'll see you at 1:00? Okay?

523. - Yeah. - Cool. I'll see you.

524. - Hey, Jeffy. - Hi, Lynn.

525. - How are you? - Good.

526. Good.

527. I want you to meet my fiancé.

528. How you doin'? I'm David Patrick.

529. - What's your name? - Jeffy.

530. Oh, it's Jeffy. Yeah, Jeffy.

531. I like Jeffy. Jeffy's a good name.

532. What's your last name?

533. Um...

534. Uh...

535. You must have a last name.

536. Jeffy, you know your last name.

537. No. Jeffy mentally challenged. Remember?

538. I know it. Your uncle wrote it on your forms.

539. It's Dahmor. Jeffy Dahmor.

540. With an

541. Oh.

542. Well, that's great. Listen, we have some reservations.

543. - So let's hit the road. Okay, Jeffy? - Gonna sit in back?

544. I hope you don't mind. I invited Yolie along.

545. I know how hard it is to meet new people at these things.

546. Don't worry. Just be yourself. It's cool.

547. Hey, Jeffy, did you know that Yolie is from Seattle?

548. I hear it rains in Seattle.

549. Sometimes.

550. I hear they got coffee there too.

551. Yes, they have all the major beverages.

552. You know, I heard that.

553. Oh, you know, I heard a great joke today.

554. This woman took her grandson to the beach,

555. and while she's snoozing in the sand

556. this huge wave comes and sweeps the boy out to sea.

557. - So he's out there thrashing... - Honey.

558. That's not really appropriate.

559. You know what it's like when you're trying to tell a joke.

560. We'll be through with lunch by the time she gets to the punch line.

561. Right? Hey, I have one.

562. It's really funny, and it's appropriate for everyone.

563. What time is it when you have to go to the dentist?

564. Hmm?

565. "Tooth hurty."

566. It's a bit of a thinker.

567. And really, really old.

568. Hey, can I take your order?

569. - Oh, why don't you guys go first? - Yeah, absolutely.

570. I'll have a salad and some lime Jell-O.

571. All righty. And for you?

572. - Um, I'll have the ribs. - Ribs?

573. Uh, hold on there, cowboy. That could get kind of messy.

574. Do you have anything else that's a little cleaner?

575. You know, we have some really good chicken fingers.

576. No, no, no. He can handle the ribs. Have the ribs.

577. Ribs. I want the ribs.

578. Ribs.

579. So, I was workin' in this Baskin-Robbins one summer.

580. Jeffy found a $20 bill in the john.

581. And I was happy. You know, really happy.

582. 'Cause this is the first time that Jeffy ever caught a break.

583. Here, fishies.

584. But then I came to find out I had a hole in my pocket.

585. It was Jeffy's $20 bill.

586. Yeah, we got that. Excuse me. Gotta go to the restroom.

587. Oh, I'll go with you. You know what they say about us gals.

588. We always travel in pairs.

589. Quite a girl, isn't she, Jeffy?

590. Lynn's fantastic.

591. I was actually talking about Yolie. But thanks, Jeffy.

592. So how is everything?

593. Looks like you did a number on those ribs there.

594. - They're delicious. - How do you all know each other?

595. Oh, he's in Special Olympics.

596. Go on. Tell her, Jeffy.

597. I'm in Special Olympics.

598. That's so sweet of you to get involved.

599. See, I admire the hell out of these guys,

600. all the challenges they have to overcome.

601. You know, I've been helping Jeffy here train for years.

602. You know, I'd love to do something like that.

603. - How would I get involved? - Brandi? Is that your name?

604. - Yeah. - Brandi. I'd love to do that.

605. - Give me your number, and I'll hook you up. - Sure.

606. I'm sorry it didn't work out between the two of you.

607. I know how hard it can be to make new friends.

608. That's why I was so glad when I met David.

609. What? You don't like David?

610. David very nice to Jeffy when Lynn around.

611. What do you mean?

612. David very nice to Jeffy when Lynn around.

613. Well, but how is he when Lynn's not around?

614. David poke Jeffy in the chest and call him stupid.

615. What?

616. Why would... Why would he poke you?

617. Jeffy's fault. Jeffy drank Coke wrong and spill on David.

618. But David very nice to Jeffy when Lynn around.

619. Hello, Thomas.

620. What's goin' on, guys?

621. You are so busted.

622. - You're a faker! - A mother faker!

623. Jeffy doesn't understand. Jeffy cocoa for Cuckoo Puffs.

624. Shut up with that, you stupid A-S-S.

625. - Yeah, we know you're not special. - Yeah.

626. You think you can fool us?

627. - "My name is Jeffy." - Jeffy likes apples.

628. "Can I have a hug?"

629. I've seen better acting on pornos.

630. - You lay it on too thick. - Yeah. We do that too

631. when we want things.

632. Show him what you did last year when Pamela Anderson came to see us.

633. Hey, not so aggressive.

634. - It took Pamela longer to catch on. - Yeah.

635. I'm sorry, guys-

636. It was wrong of me to try and fool you.

637. Duh.

638. Why would you do something like that?

639. You got no idea what kind of pressure I'm under.

640. What's that mean, Jeffy?

641. .333

642. It's not Jeffy, it's Steve.

643. And it's a long story.

644. What happened was that

645. I work with this guy named Stavi

646. and I was sent to fire him, and I couldn't.

647. And that's how I got here.

648. - What? - Do you know what he's talking about?

649. - I'm baffled, Jeffy. - It's not Jeffy. It's Steve.

650. Oh!

651. - He's Steve, not Jeffy. - Yeah.

652. I thought you said your name was Stavi.

653. No. I'm Steve, not Stavi.

654. - Just get your story straight. - Stavi lost his fingers.

655. Does he have insurance? Medicare, Medicaid or...

656. Aflac?

657. No, he doesn't have Medicare, Medicaid or "Aflac."

658. That's why I'm in this position.

659. Okay, guys. Let me do this again.

660. I wanna start from the beginning.

661. Stavi worked for me, all right? And he lost his fingers.

662. So, in summation...

663. Hey, Rudy, come on. Stick with me here.

664. Okay, Okay-Wrap it up-

665. Stavi is the guy who lost his fingers

666. and I needed money so I could get 'em sewn back on.

667. And that's why I did this.

668. WOW!

669. Poor Stavi!

670. Boy, Steve, you really screwed that guy over.

671. What... What made you think you could win?

672. Well, I actually ran track in high school

673. and I was division champion in the 800 meters.

674. What was your best time?

675. 2202, 2203.

676. All right, then. I'm gonna be goin'.

677. Wait.

678. What... What are you doing?

679. - I'm packing. - Why?

680. 'Cause you guys are right. I'm a faker.

681. We want you to stay.

682. Yeah, right.

683. We're serious.

684. Yeah.

685. Yeah, we're sick of Jimmy winning all the time.

686. Jimmy's a prick.

687. Oh, God. We're sick and tired of seeing his mug on TV.

688. Dateline. Wheaties.

689. Yeah, last week, he was on According to Jim.

690. Let's be fair. That was a good episode.

691. You guys think I can beat him?

692. - I didn't say that. - Maybe.

693. But you have to start trying.

694. - I am. - You're at the top level here.

695. Yeah.

696. - Hey, guys. - Hello, Lynn.

697. - Hi, Lynn. - Hello.

698. Listen, I hate to break this up, but, um,

699. I need to have a talk with Jeffy.

700. Okay.

701. What's this about?

702. Hi, David.

703. Hey, Jeffy.

704. Come on over here.

705. Jeffy, I was a little troubled by our talk, so I called David...

706. - This isn't necessary, Lynn. - It is, honey.

707. He should learn not to say hurtful things.

708. Jeffy, did David really poke you?

709. - No. - Then why did you say that?

710. Jeffy a small person.

711. Well, I think you should apologize to David now.

712. Honey, he really doesn't have to.

713. Well, only if you want to.

714. - Jeffy want to. - Great.

715. - That's very mature of you. - Absolutely.

716. —Hey! Are you okay?

717. - Jeffy wanna go. - Okay.

718. I didn't do anything.

719. Get up, Steve. It's Uncle Glen.

720. Get up!

721. Oh, it's 3:00 a.m.

722. Time to practice, butt-face.

723. Only a week to get you in shape.

724. Come on. Ten more minutes, guys.

725. Come on, Steve. Run.

726. Oh!

727. If you want a better jump

728. you gotta push off your plant foot.

729. Come on, Jeffy. Push it!

730. Damn!

731. He's gonna be a real project, isn't he?

732. You can say that again.

733. He's gonna be a real project, isn't he?

734. Whoa!

735. Ah, he stinks out loud.

736. Protein shake. Drink up.

737. Oh, God! What was in that?

738. Milk, eggs and meat.

739. - What kind of meat? - Raw.

740. Hey! These are my good shoes!

741. Whoa!

742. Hey, guys, how's this helping me win the race?

743. You know, he raises a good point.

744. 'Special Olympics!

745. Whoa!

746. How's a blindfold gonna help me run faster?

747. Take it off, and I'll show you.

748. Sic him, Killer. Get the bad man.

749. - Go get him! - Yeah! Yeah!

750. That's a vast improvement.

751. Ha!

752. So this fat-ass floor manager lady comes up to me

753. and she looks like a female Ted Koppel.

754. She says, "Well, if you wanna piss your time away

755. "why don't you move your desk into the urinal?"

756. Floor manager.

757. I don't understand though.

758. You been working at that job for two years, but you hate it?

759. What else am I gonna do?

760. Well, there's always Kinko's.

761. You must like something, Steve.

762. In high school, I wanted to be an actor

763. but that didn't turn out so hot.

764. - So you went to Hollywood? - No.

765. He went to Broadway. Right, Steve?

766. Actually, I didn't get around to that either.

767. Summer stock.

768. No.

769. Everyone told me I wasn't gonna make it anyway though.

770. People tell us all the time what we won't ever do.

771. Won't ever read. Won't ever have a job.

772. Won't ever learn to tie my own shoes.

773. Won't ever have a girlfriend.

774. I've done all of those things.

775. But you can't tie your own shoes.

776. - And you never had a girlfriend. - That's right.

777. But, guys, acting is hard.

778. You have to remember lines.

779. Let's not kid ourselves.

780. Looks are important in that industry.

781. It's true. Very true.

782. I'm sorry. Somebody had to say it.

783. I mean, you probably wouldn't have made it, but you could have tried.

784. You wanna see some really good acting?

785. Yeah!

786. Oh, yeah. He does Chucky from Child's Play.

787. I'm Chucky. Wanna play?

788. Aaah!

789. This camping is fun!

790. Yeah.

791. - Is that Karen? - Shh!

792. Don't say her name! What if she heard you?

793. I don't want her to know I like her.

794. Then she...

795. Did you know Christ was a Jew?

796. You should go talk to her.

797. What do I say?

798. I don't know. I pretty much stink at that kind of stuff

799. but just go over there and say something honest.

800. Oh, no.

801. Hot?

802. What a cockblock.

803. Hi. How are you today?

804. You love Lynn.

805. I do not.

806. Hey, guys. What's happening? What are you laughing about?

807. - Hello, Lynn. - Hey, Lynn.

808. So, today's Friday, the day before Saturday.

809. You got any big plans for the weekend?

810. Big plans... I'm goin' to Costco.

811. I got a few things to pick up.

812. - I love Costco. Costco's good. - I've been there.

813. I love baseball better.

814. Can I help?

815. Eye contact.

816. On.

817. All right. Yeah.

818. Yeah. I could use a hand. Come along. I'll pick you up at 10:00, okay?

819. All right. Cool. See you then.

820. - See you guys later. - Can I come with you, sexy?

821. Smooth move, Ajax.

822. I would definitely bring protection.

823. All right!

824. - Come on, Lynn! - No, I have a terrible singing voice.

825. Oh, come on!

826. You're right. You can't sing.

827. But that's okay. Jeffy still loves you.

828. Ooh, this cart is too full.

829. You're something else.

830. - That's Costco. - Barker?

831. Hey! How you doin', man?

832. - I haven't seen you since high school. - I don't know you.

833. Wow! Looks like you're doin' okay though.

834. I think you're confusing him with someone, sir.

835. No, no. Dude, come on.

836. - It's Peter. Peter Conway. - Peter's another name for wiener.

837. - Yes! - No, sir, seriously. You're mixing him up.

838. You said that same stuff in high school, dude! That's fantastic!

839. - I don't know you! I don't know you! - No, no, no, Jeffy!

840. Please, stop! Will you just walk away, sir?

841. - Oh, my God! - Just walk away! Walk away!

842. Dude, you've got to call me! That is classic!

843. Oh, man!

844. You want another gallon of mustard?

845. No, thanks. I'm still pretty full from the jug of relish.

846. Jeffy likes taking long trips with Lynn.

847. Yeah, me too, Jeffy.

848. - Who's that? - Oh, that's my big brother, Jeremy.

849. He was special. Just like you.

850. Is he competing this year?

851. Well, he... He died a few years ago.

852. But I think you guys would have been great friends.

853. Father, I've been doing something bad.

854. Really bad.

855. I'm a terrible person.

856. There are no terrible people.

857. There are only poor, misguided souls.

858. Now, please, unburden yourself.

859. You see, I was in a real bind, and...

860. I'm sorry, Father.

861. I can't even say the words.

862. My son, there is no sin unforgivable

863. to those that seek redemption.

864. I've been pretending to be mentally challenged

865. so I can fix the Special Olympics

866. to make money off of it.

867. Father?

868. Jesus, Father! Whoa!

869. I'll see you rot in hell!

870. You piece of crap!

871. Okay, guys, elbows up.

872. Jimmy wouldn't say that.

873. Jim, it's pretty standard... "I'm going to Disney World!"

874. Uh-uh.

875. Come on, Jimbo!

876. All the great athletes say that after they win.

877. Michael Jordan said it.

878. Michael Jordan can kiss my butt.

879. Write me something new. Jimmy have to work.

880. 100-meter practice! Let's go, guys!

881. Everybody in the 100 meters, take a lane.

882. - Full speed. - Hey.

883. Hay is for horses.

884. How the hell can a guy like that be beatin' ya? It ain't natural.

885. Will you cut it out with that stuff? These guys are great!

886. Couple of 'em could be in the regular Olympics.

887. Maybe on the French team.

888. Yeah? There's a guy here from the Bahamas

889. who ran a marathon in two hours and 45 minutes.

890. That's just propaganda. One of ours can beat one of theirs.

891. It's simple physics. You just gotta push a little.

892. I am pushing!

893. Well, push a little harder!

894. Do it for Stavi. Poor bastard's fingers are thawing as we speak.

895. You know, maybe I should just accept the fact that I can't win

896. and stop lying to Lynn and everybody else.

897. Hey, hey. Don't go soft on me.

898. Wait a second! Wait a second!

899. This is about a piece of ass, isn't it?

900. Don't call her that.

901. Oh, that's good.

902. You're doing Jeffy now. Right?

903. Because you'd have to be a moron to think she'll fall for you.

904. She thinks you're mentally retarded!

905. Christ. Steve...

906. Steve, if it's love that you want so bad, if you win, I'll do ya.

907. Let's just face it. This isn't gonna work.

908. That's it. When the goin' gets tough, give up.

909. That's what you're good at.

910. You've got a chance to change your whole life, Steve.

911. Become a man. Become a winner.

912. Now, show some backbone. Dig down deep and go kick that tard's ass.

913. Don't ever say that word to me again!

914. I mean it. These guys are my friends.

915. It's on.

916. Whoa! Whoa!

917. Whoa!

918. Suck On that, Billy!

919. Blaaah!

920. Hey, Winston... Son of a...

921. What happened here?

922. - Pipe broke. - It's faulty plumbing!

923. - It's snowing. - I had an accident.

924. A really big one!

925. That'd be Mr. Billy Joel in February, 1974,

926. with the Piano Man.

927. Okay, okay, what's this one? What's this one?

928. That's Mr. Stevie Wonder in the summer of 1969

929. with My Cherie Amour.

930. - Stupendous. - Steve, go ahead. Ask me any movie.

931. Um, Jaws.

932. That's a great movie.

933. Well, I guess it's bedtime.

934. Let's do something.

935. Hey, Steve, take us somewhere.

936. Yeah, right. You guys know we can't go out at night.

937. Ooh! Ooh! I know! Let's see a movie!

938. Guys, you know we can't leave. Right? We can't go anywhere.

939. Come on. Give me a break, Steve.

940. I don't even have a car.

941. You could rent a car. Budget Rent-a-Car. No drop-off fee whatsoever.

942. Come on, Steve. We're special. Help us a little.

943. You're gonna play that card?

944. Winston wants a hug. Winston likes apples.

945. I believe that's my thing.

946. If you let us go out, I'll let you go out with my sister.

947. We've been training you for nothing?

948. Oh, come on, Billy.

949. I told you I was telling the truth, Daddy.

950. I'm sorry I lied to you.

951. I'm not proud of myself.

952. There are a lot of things about me that aren't what you thought.

953. It's beautiful.

954. There's dancing, and it's dirty.

955. - I love you. - You're kiddin' me.

956. You guys are actually bu yin' into this.

957. Do you even have a soul?

958. Oh, Mylanta.

959. Lynn's boyfriend.

960. Hello, Lynn's boyfriend!

961. Shh!

962. Wait till I tell the fellas!

963. - W-Wait! Wait! - You have a girlfriend?

964. Guess what! Guess what!

965. - I just saw Lynn's boyfriend! - Where?

966. And he was kissing with a girl.

967. - Ohh! - Oh, no.

968. - Let's get out of here. - Yeah. Let's go say hello.

969. How come you didn't tell me you had a girlfriend?

970. Hi, Lynn's boyfriend and not L-Lynn.

971. - She's my cousin. - No, I'm not his cousin.

972. Nice to meet you, Lynn's boyfriend's cousin.

973. Is Lynn here?

974. No, she's not here. But she might come.

975. - Hi, David! - Hi, David. What did you think of the flick?

976. - What are you guys doing here? - J-Jeffy's birthday.

977. Never seen Dirty Dancing. Hello, waitress.

978. - Hi. - No, that's Lynn's boyfriend's cousin.

979. No, no. I'm not his cousin. I'm not your cousin.

980. - No, not cousin. She's just a buddy. - "Buddy"?

981. He was licking his buddy's ears.

982. I wasn't licking her ears. I was just looking for an earring.

983. - And she found it. - Good-bye.

984. Good-bye, hooker lady.

985. Seriously, it's probably

986. not a good idea to tell anybody about this.

987. 'Cause it'd be a very, very, very bad thing

988. if they knew you went off campus this late at night.

989. I mean, they might not let you compete in the games.

990. Oh, God.

991. It's okay.

992. Don't worry. We won't tell anybody.

993. Well, there you go.

994. I always knew you were smart, Jeffy.

995. Could you take us home, David?

996. Oh. Well, I, I, I'd like to, but I...

997. Or we could call Lynn so that we don't get caught.

998. Oh, what the heck. I'll swing you guys by on the way home.

999. - Shotgun! - I'm parked out front.

1000. Almost there. Okay, guys.

1001. You guys! Where have...

1002. David! What the hell? I have been worried sick!

1003. Relax, honey. I just took 'em to the mall to hang out.

1004. The mall closes at 9:00. It's 12:00.

1005. We stopped off for ice cream.

1006. When the fuck did we get ice cream?

1007. Jeffy, I won't be mad.

1008. Just tell me the truth. Where were you guys?

1009. Did you get ice cream?

1010. David told Jeffy not to talk

1011. about his pants around his ankles

1012. and the girl looking for her earring.

1013. How could you?

1014. They're making up stories.

1015. It's late for them. They're delirious.

1016. Was I sleeping?

1017. Kara, Shane, will you get these guys to their rooms.

1018. Come on, Lynn!

1019. Can I get that ice cream now?

1020. Hi, everybody, this is Steve Levy

1021. coming to you from Bobcat Stadium in beautiful San Marcos, Texas.

1022. This'll serve as the home for the track and field events for Special Olympics.

1023. The games are coming up next, live!

1024. I'd like to place $1,000 on Jeffy.

1025. On Jeffy, huh?

1026. You got it.

1027. Let me win. But if I cannot win, let me be brave in the attempt.

1028. First up in the pentathlon, the long jump.

1029. You gotta love the grit and determination

1030. of these very special athletes.

1031. Oh, Oh, Oh!

1032. Up next, Glen Chervin.

1033. This young man has competed in the last five Special Olympics...

1034. always finishing near the top.

1035. 5.5 meters! Wow, that's one heck of a jump!

1036. Jeffy!

1037. And newcomer Jeffy Dahmor, with an "O."

1038. This is Jeffy's first Special Olympics.

1039. Whoa! 6.1 meters!

1040. That's gonna be hard to beat!

1041. Here comes Jimmy Washington, always the crowd favorite.

1042. You know, when it comes to Special Olympics records

1043. Jimmy practically wrote the book.

1044. 6.5 meters!

1045. And Jimmy Washington wins the long jump!

1046. Hey! Jimmy!

1047. Next up, it's the shot put.

1048. Thomas Opedio.

1049. This guy might not be the most talented athlete here,

1050. but he's certainly got one of the biggest hearts.

1051. Glen Chervin

1052. with quite a nice toss!

1053. Jimmy Washington tosses it just a bit further!

1054. It's Jeffy Dahmor's turn.

1055. - And yes! - Come on!

1056. We have today's first upset!

1057. The newcomer, Jeffy Dahmor, wins the shot put!

1058. And the officials have raised the bar now to 1.6 meters.

1059. This is quite high for most of the athletes.

1060. Glen Chervin tries.

1061. 'Oh!

1062. Even the great Jimmy Washington is having trouble.

1063. Do it, Jeffy! Do it, Jeffy!

1064. It's all up to Jeffy Dahmor now.

1065. And he does it! Jeffy Dahmor wins his second consecutive event!

1066. Runners, take your mark.

1067. And now, the final event of the day,

1068. the 100-meter hurdles.

1069. Set!

1070. Come on, Jeffy! Leap! Leap!

1071. Jump higher! Jump higher!

1072. Come on! Aw, come on!

1073. The true champion is showing his colors today

1074. as Jimmy Washington easily takes the 100-meter hurdles.

1075. Wow, this is truly amazing, folks.

1076. After four of the five events,

1077. Jimmy Washington is only five points ahead

1078. of a remarkable newcomer, Jeffy Dahmor.

1079. Folks, it has come down to tomorrow's final event,

1080. the 400-meter run,

1081. the Cadillac of Special Olympics competition.

1082. It's worth approximately 250 points

1083. depending upon their times.

1084. This will decide whether Jimmy Washington or Jeffy Dahmor

1085. takes home the gold.

1086. How come guys like us never get the girl?

1087. Don't lump me in with you. I get the girl sometimes.

1088. Calm down. I was just trying to cheer you up.

1089. How? By calling us both losers?

1090. Can I have your autograph, Jimmy? Please?

1091. Yeah. Jesus.

1092. - Hi, Lynn. - Oh, hey, Jeffy.

1093. Where's your date?

1094. Jeffy's kinda stag tonight.

1095. Oh. That's okay.

1096. I haven't eaten in, like, 10 minutes. You wanna find some food?

1097. Ten minutes!

1098. Come on. Let's go.

1099. You'll have to excuse me.

1100. I kinda pig out when I get depressed.

1101. Why Lynn depressed?

1102. Oh, I'm upset 'cause of David.

1103. - Tell Jeffy joke. - What?

1104. The joke with the boy at sea.

1105. - The one you were gonna tell at lunch. - Oh.

1106. You don't wanna hear me butcher it.

1107. Oh, come on. I bet you knock it out of the park.

1108. Okay. Okay.

1109. So, there's this old woman.

1110. She was, like, you know, a grandmother. She was, like, 80 or something.

1111. And she brings her grandson to the beach.

1112. And he's little. He's, like, you know, three, or,

1113. or, like, three-and-a-half, or four-ish, you know...

1114. The boy's young. Jeffy get it.

1115. Okay. Well, the grandmother...

1116. Jeffy! The Kids of Widney High is on!

1117. - Come on! - Okay! Okay!

1118. I've never seen Billy this excited before.

1119. Billy a big fan of Kids of Widney High

1120. so Jeffy called number on back of CD and asked them to come.

1121. That was really nice of you.

1122. You never stop surprising me.

1123. You're a really good person, Jeffy. You know that?

1124. - Thank you. - You wanna dance?

1125. No, no. Jeffy not a good dancer.

1126. - Come on! - No.No!

1127. Would you teach Jeffy how to slow-dance?

1128. Yeah. Sure. Come on.

1129. Okay, you're gonna put your arms around me.

1130. No, no. Not on my stomach.

1131. Just sort of around my waist.

1132. And I'll put my arms around you, and we'll just move.

1133. Okay.

1134. What's wrong?

1135. Special Olympics are almost over,

1136. and Jeffy's gonna miss Lynn.

1137. Oh, no. Hey, we'll still hang out.

1138. We'll still be friends.

1139. Jeffy would like that.

1140. Lynn's perfect.

1141. Makes Jeffy wanna wake up in the morning.

1142. Lynn needs someone to appreciate her

1143. like she's the only girl on the planet.

1144. That's...

1145. That's the nicest thing anybody's ever said to me.

1146. I think you're pretty perfect too, Jeffy.

1147. You're kind and funny.

1148. And really brave.

1149. Oh, Jeffy, no, no... I'm... I'm sorry. |didn't...

1150. - It's Jeffy's fault. - No, it's not your fault. It's not.

1151. You did nothing wrong. I...

1152. God. I'm sorry. I... Jeffy, I have to... I...

1153. Billy, you up?

1154. No.

1155. Let me ask you something.

1156. Do you think there are good people and bad people,

1157. or do you think life gets so hard

1158. sometimes good people have to do bad things?

1159. Nah. Just good people and bad people.

1160. There's no gray areas.

1161. Good luck.

1162. It's entirely my fault.

1163. - There's no way it was your fault. - Matt, you weren't there.

1164. I'm a volunteer. He's an athlete.

1165. It's not allowed.

1166. And I let him think it was a real date.

1167. I don't deserve to be here.

1168. I... I can't do this anymore.

1169. What are you saying?

1170. I'm done. It's over for me.

1171. Steve Levy here with arguably

1172. the greatest Special Olympian of all time, Jimmy Washington.

1173. Jimmy, folks at home wanna know,

1174. what are you feeling heading into today's final event?

1175. I feel great, like always.

1176. Jimmy's gonna win.

1177. You've won six consecutive gold medals.

1178. This Jeffy Dahmor could get in the way of number seven.

1179. Jeffy Dahmor. Who's Jeffy Dahmor?

1180. Look at me.

1181. I'm young, handsome, top shape.

1182. Bring on Jeffy Dahmor.

1183. Jimmy's gon' bring home the gold.

1184. Clearly, lack of confidence will not be an issue.

1185. Steve Levy reporting from Bobcat Stadium, home of Special Olympics.

1186. So here we go. This is it.

1187. Will Jimmy Washington win his seventh consecutive gold medal,

1188. or is there a new champion on the horizon?

1189. Ladies and gentlemen, if you're not enjoying this action, check your pulse.

1190. Jimmy, you're goin' down.

1191. Good-bye, Wheaties. Good-bye, Hollywood Squares.

1192. Good-bye, bling-bling.

1193. On your mark!

1194. Set!

1195. Come on! Hustle! Hustle! Come on!

1196. Now's your moment! Now's your chance! Go for it! Go! Go! Go!

1197. Come on! Hustle! Come on!

1198. That's it! That's it!

1199. - Ohh! - Thank you, God! Thank you!

1200. What are you doin'? What are you doin'?

1201. Don't go back! Go this way!

1202. That a boy, Jeffy!

1203. Come on, Jimmy, get up.

1204. That's it. Get him up.

1205. What are you doing, you stupid son of a bitch?

1206. You're a loser! You'll always be a loser!

1207. So, Glen Chervin wins the 400-meter race.

1208. And here we go. Thank you.

1209. Ladies and gentlemen, wow!

1210. In a stunning upset, the gold medal goes to a remarkable young underdog.

1211. It's Glen Chervin!

1212. Jimmy, you suck!

1213. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Jimmy didn't win?

1214. Jimmy didn't win!

1215. Isn't it wonderful? Jimmy didn't win! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

1216. You did great.

1217. I came in fourth.

1218. That's okay, Thomas. I came in last in my race.

1219. You complete me.

1220. I do?

1221. Glen! You won!

1222. What? I did?

1223. Oh. I'm sorry.

1224. What are you sorry about?

1225. Well, now Stavi can't get his fingers back.

1226. No, he can. All Jimmy had to do was lose.

1227. And he did because of you!

1228. Well, if I knew that, I wouldn't have stayed behind you so long.

1229. Excuse me.

1230. Whoo!

1231. Jeffy! You were so great.

1232. I'm... I'm so proud of you.

1233. Thanks.

1234. Congratulations, Jeffy. Great race.

1235. Would you come with me, please?

1236. That was terrific sportsmanship, Jeffy.

1237. And now, the bronze medal goes to Jeffy Dahmor!

1238. That's my son, Jeffy!

1239. My son, Jeffy!

1240. Congratulations, Jeffy.

1241. The winner of the silver medal, Jimmy Washington!

1242. Congratulations, Jimmy.

1243. And the gold medal goes to Glen Chervin!

1244. - Congratulations, Glen. - You're welcome!

1245. Let's have a big round of applause for our terrific pentathlon athletes!

1246. Thank you for coming out, ladies and gentlemen.

1247. - This has been the best Special... - Excuse me.

1248. - Can I see that? - Oh, sure.

1249. Excuse me, everyone.

1250. I have something to say.

1251. I can't accept this.

1252. I can't accept this because...

1253. I'm a fraud.

1254. Oy.

1255. I'm not...

1256. mentally challenged.

1257. I don't even deserve to be on the same field as these people.

1258. That's right!

1259. - Yeah! - Shit, man!

1260. Shame on you!

1261. So I'm gonna give this award to the person,

1262. The champion who deserves it.

1263. - Right! - That's what I'm talkin' about!

1264. - Thomas. - Thomas!

1265. Come here, man.

1266. Stand up here.

1267. All right!

1268. You were right behind me, buddy.

1269. This belongs to you.

1270. I'm SO...

1271. This is such a great honor.

1272. I'm very excited from the bottom of my heart.

1273. And I would like to dedicate this

1274. to a very, very special girl named...

1275. Lynn, I am so...

1276. And today,

1277. I would... I would like...

1278. to meditate on some facts.

1279. Did you know that Mentos is America's number-one candy?

1280. And also...

1281. And...

1282. And, Karen...

1283. I w-I would... I would like to...

1284. But soft! What light through yonder window breaks?

1285. It is the east, and Juliet is the sun. Yada-yada-yada.

1286. Come on, Billy. You're phoning it in.

1287. Look, I told you.

1288. Jackie Gleason didn't rehearse, and neither do I.

1289. You scratched my CD, you know.

1290. You picked it up in clear daylight and you scratched it.

1291. Yeah, I know. But I thought we put that behind us.

1292. Now, come on, Billy. Let's do it. From the top.

1293. Keep your pants on, Spielberg.

1294. Thanks for springin' for lunch.

1295. Next time we'll go Danish and split it 60-60.

1296. Don't you mean 50-50?

1297. What, you don't tip?

1298. I'm so glad you called. I missed you. It's great to catch up.

1299. Yeah. Good times.

1300. Listen, you wanna come in and meet some of the fellas I work with?

1301. - They're a hoot. - Sure.

1302. Come on, Billy. From the top.

1303. Okay.

1304. But soft! What light...

1305. Could you fix the lighting, please?

1306. What?

1307. Steve, please. Be a love.

1308. Thomas, where's my water? My throat is parched.

1309. What kind do you want, Evian or tap water?

1310. Surprise me.

1311. Freakin' stars.

1312. Hey, guys! Look what the cat dragged in.

1313. "Hi, Lynn! "Hi, Lynn!

1314. Hi, Lynn!

1315. Whoa!

1316. Oh, my God! Are you okay?

1317. - Oh! - You okay, Mr. Stevie?

1318. How many fingers do you see?

1319. Do you need a medic?

1320. He probably needs mouth-to-mouth, Lynn.

1321. I'll do it!

1322. I'm good! I'm fine!

1323. - Come on, baby. - Mr. Clumsy.

1324. - Are you sure you're okay? - I'm fine.

1325. Broke the fall with my forehead.

1326. Steve gave us all jobs.

1327. Isn't that wonderfully nice, Lynn?

1328. One could almost say Christ-like.

1329. Yeah.

1330. I'm starting to feel like you guys are playing me.

1331. - Lynn, I promise I had nothing to do with it. - It's true, Lynn.

1332. He's totally ignorant.

1333. - Yeah. - Thanks, Winston.

1334. Guys, can we be alone for a few moments?

1335. - No problem. - Sure.

1336. Eye contact.

1337. Come on.

1338. Lynn, you have no idea how sorry I am.

1339. It's okay. I forgive you.

1340. - You do? - I didn't, at first, but I forgive you.

1341. Oh, you saw the thing on 20/20, and you...

1342. - No. - Me.

1343. - I tell. - Stavi?

1344. I told her everything,

1345. how you got me the job, how you scammed the system so I could get my fingers back.

1346. And how you secretly want to marry her.

1347. I don't remember saying that.

1348. Starting fresh?

1349. Yeah. I'd like that.

1350. It's a start.

1351. Come on! Give him a kiss!

1352. Get a room! I gotta do a play here tonight!

1353. Tickets. Tickets. Who needs tickets? You're not a cop, are you?

1354. You got tickets. Okay. Tickets. Cheaper than the box office. You save some money.

1355. But soft!

1356. What light through yonder window breaks?

1357. It is the east

1358. and Juliet is the sun.

1359. Oh, rise, fair sun

1360. and kill the envious moon

1361. who is already sick and pale with grief.

1362. When he bestrides

1363. the lazy-pacing clouds

1364. and sails upon the bosom of the air!

1365. On second thought, life is short!

1366. I love ya! Hit the music, fellas!