The Producers (2005)

1. Opening night Opening night

2. It's opening night

3. It's Max Bialystock's latest show

4. Will it flop or will it go?

5. The cast is taking its final bow

6. Here comes the audience now

7. The doors are open They're on their way

8. Let's hear what they have to say

9. He's done it again He's done it again

10. Max Bialystock has done it again

11. We can't believe it

12. You can't conceive it

13. How'd he achieve it?

14. It's the worst show in town

15. We sat there sighing

16. Groaning and crying

17. There's no denying

18. It's the worst show in town

19. Oh, we wanted to stand up and hiss

20. We've seen shit But never like this

21. Max Bialystock has done it again

22. The songs were rotten The book was stinkin'

23. What he did to Shakespeare Booth did to Lincoln

24. We had this specially made up for Max Bialystock.

25. We couldn't leave faster

26. What a disaster

27. We are still in shock

28. Who produced this schlock?

29. That slimy, sleazy Max Bialystock

30. What a bum

31. Hello?

32. Mr. Bialystock?

33. Anybody here?

34. Mr. Bialystock?

35. Who are you? What are you doing here?

36. What do you want?

37. Speak to me, dummy. Speak!

38. Why don't you speak?

39. Scared. Can't talk.

40. All right, I'm sorry.

41. I'm sorry. Calm down. Get ahold of yourself. Come with me.

42. Come on. Come on.

43. Come on, right this way. Watch your step.

44. Look, just...

45. Take a deep breath.

46. Let it out slowly.

47. - Who are you? - I am Leopold Bloom.

48. I'm an accountant. I'm from Whitehall & Marks...

49. and I've come to do your books. - Oh, you have, huh? Well, listen...

50. - Who is it? - Hold Me-Touch Me.

51. Hold Me-Touch Me. One of my backers.

52. Listen, I have to meet with an important investor.

53. Do me a big favour, go to the bathroom.

54. - But I don't have to go. - Try. Try. Think of Niagara Falls.

55. Be with you in a moment, my darling.

56. Hold Me-Touch Me. Where is Hold Me-Touch Me?

57. Kiss Me-Feel Me, Clinch Me-Pinch Me...

58. Lick Me-Bite Me, Suck Me...

59. Here she is. Hold Me-Touch Me.

60. You know, it worked. As soon as I pictured Niagara Falls...

61. I didn't have any trouble at all... - Back. Back. Don't make a sound.

62. Coming. Coming.

63. Hello, gorgeous.

64. - Hold me, touch me. - As soon as I shut the door.

65. Did you bring the checkie?

66. Bialy can't produce plays without checkies.

67. Here you go.

68. But first, can we please play a game?

69. One dirty little game.

70. All right, my little sex kitten.

71. What shall we play?

72. The Debutante and the Bricklayer?

73. - Oh, no. - No.

74. How about the Rabbi and the Contortionist?

75. You like that one, mama, keeps you limber.

76. I know.

77. Let's play the Virgin Milkmaid and the Well-Hung Stableboy.

78. I don't think I have the strength.

79. - Don't worry, I'll be gentle. - All right.

80. Oh, dear...

81. this milk is so heavy. I'll never reach the house.

82. You there, well-hung stableboy.

83. Won't you please help me?

84. Of course, my little dairy queen.

85. First I'll take your milk.

86. Then I shall take your virginity!

87. No! No! Never! Never!

88. Yes. Yes.

89. Give it to me, well-hung! Give it to me.

90. Darling, wait, I haven't even had coffee yet.

91. - Take it easy. Take it easy. - Oh, my God.

92. Send me to the moon, you animal. Send me to the moon.

93. Yes. Yes, my darling. Thursday. Come back Thursday.

94. I'll send you to the moon Thursday. I may even join you.

95. But first, the checkie.

96. Where's the checkie? Come on, come on, find the checkie.

97. Here you go.

98. I made it out, like you told me, to the title of the play:

99. - Cash. - Yes.

100. That's a funny name for a play, Cash.

101. Yes, so was The Iceman Cometh.

102. I'll see you Thursday.

103. - Bye. - Bye. Bye.

104. Yes, yes, yes.

105. You dirty old buzzard.

106. May I come out of the bathroom now, Mr. Bialystock?

107. - Yeah, sure. - I'm terribly sorry I caught you...

108. feeling up the old lady. - " Feeling up the old lady."

109. Thank you, Mr. Tact.

110. - May I take your coat? - Oh, thank you.

111. So you're an accountant, huh?

112. - Yes, sir. I am, sir. - Then account for yourself!

113. Why are you looking up little old ladies' dresses? Bit of a pervert?

114. I know what you're thinking.

115. How dare you condemn me without knowing all the facts.

116. - Mr. Bialystock, I wasn't condemn... - Shut up!

117. I'm having a rhetorical conversation.

118. - Do you know who I used to be? - Well, yes. You're Max Bialystock...

119. the king of Broadway. - No, I'm Max Bialy... That's right.

120. - That's right. - And might I say, Mr. Bialystock...

121. And please don't take this the wrong way...

122. but you're not just a dirty old man. - Thank you.

123. Oh, you're also a great Broadway producer.

124. And there's something about me you should know.

125. When I was a kid...

126. I had the good fortune to be taken to Bialy-Hoos of '42.

127. - Oh, Bialy-Hoos. - Yes.

128. And I still have the ticket stub.

129. - Oh, look at that. - Yeah.

130. And ever since, I've had a secret desire...

131. to be a Broadway producer.

132. A secret desire, huh?

133. - Kid, can I give you some advice? - Yes, sir.

134. Keep it a secret. Do the books, please.

135. Top drawer, to the left.

136. Oh, my God.

137. Will you look at that.

138. That's it, baby! When you got it, flaunt it! Flaunt it!

139. Mr. Bialystock, may I speak to you a minute?

140. - A minute? - Yes.

141. - Just one minute? - Yes.

142. - Okay. - In glancing at your books...

143. - Go! You have 58 seconds left. I noticed that in the column...

144. - You're gonna time it? - Time is money.

145. I looked at your books and the columns marked "monies received."

146. - And I can't make the figures work out. - Forty-eight seconds. Hurry.

147. - There's a problem with your figures. - Twenty-eight. Running out of time.

148. - Tick, tock. Tick, tock. Tick, tock. - I cannot...

149. - Fifteen seconds. - I cannot... I can't function.

150. - I cannot function in these conditions. - Five, four, three, two, one.

151. You're making me extremely nervous.

152. What is that, a handkerchief?

153. What? This? No, it's nothing. It's nothing.

154. Well, if it's nothing, then why can't I see it?

155. My blanket. My blue blanket!

156. Give me back my blue blanket!

157. Give me my blanket! Give it to me. Give it to me. Give me the blanket.

158. Give it to me! Give it to me!

159. Here, here, here.

160. Don't panic. Don't panic. Don't panic.

161. I...

162. I'm sorry.

163. It's just that I don't like anyone touching my blue blanket.

164. It's not important, it's a minor compulsion.

165. I can deal with it if I want to.

166. But I've had it ever since I was a baby, and I find it very comforting.

167. I need to lie down for a minute now.

168. They come here. They all come here.

169. How do they find me?

170. Hey, kid. Hey.

171. Look at this.

172. How can I help you?

173. - What's wrong? - You're gonna jump on me.

174. - What? - You're gonna jump on me.

175. I know you're gonna jump on me and squash me like a bug.

176. - Oh, God. - Please, don't jump on me!

177. I'm not gonna jump on you! I'm not gonna jump on you!

178. Get ahold of yourself! Stop it! Stop it!

179. Stop! Calm down!

180. Don't touch me! Don't touch me.

181. - What's the matter now? - I'm hysterical. I'm having hysterics.

182. I can't stop when I get like this. I can't stop. I'm hysterical.

183. I can see that. All right. All right, calm down.

184. I'm coming, I'm coming. Take it easy.

185. I'm wet!

186. I'm wet. I'm hysterical and I'm wet!

187. I'm in pain.

188. I'm in pain, I'm wet...

189. and I'm still hysterical.

190. All right, all right. What can I do? You're getting me hysterical.

191. Move away, you frighten me.

192. - You're too close. - I frighten you?

193. Yes, get over there and stop touching... Move over there! Sit down.

194. I'm sitting, I'm sitting.

195. You still look angry.

196. I'm sorry. How's this?

197. Who's my little accountant?

198. Who's my little accountant?

199. Are you my little accountant? Are you my little accountant?

200. - Are you my little accountant? - I am.

201. Yes, you are.

202. Well, thank you for smiling. That helped a great deal.

203. Well, you know what they say:

204. "Smile and the world smiles with you."

205. This man should be in a straightjacket.

206. - You feeling better? - Oh, yes, I'm fine now. Thank you.

207. - Good. - May I speak to you?

208. Yes, Prince Myshkin. What can we do for you?

209. Well, this is hardly the time for levity, Mr. Bialystock.

210. I've discovered a serious error...

211. in the accounts of your last show, Funny Boy.

212. - Where? What? - Well, according to the backers list...

213. you raised $100,000. But your show only cost 98,000.

214. There's 2000 unaccounted for.

215. I went to a Turkish bath. Who cares?

216. The show was a flop. Bloom, do me a favour...

217. move a few decimal points around. You can do it, you're an accountant.

218. You're part of a noble profession. The word "count" is part of your title.

219. - That's cheating. - It's not cheating.

220. It's charity.

221. Bloom...

222. you see this stickpin?

223. This once held a pearl as big as your eye.

224. I used to wear handmade Italian shoes, $500 suits.

225. And look at me now.

226. Look at me now! I'm wearing a cardboard belt.

227. Bloom, you gotta save me.

228. I'm reaching out to you.

229. Don't send me to prison.

230. Help me.

231. All right. All right. Okay, I'll do it.

232. - Really? - Yes, I'll do it.

233. See, $2000 isn't so much.

234. I'm sure I can hide it someplace.

235. After all, the IRS isn't interested in a show that flopped.

236. Right. Good thinking.

237. You figure it out. I'm gonna take a little nap.

238. Now, let's see.

239. Let's see, if we add up these deductions, we get...

240. Carry the three, divide by four...

241. Amazing.

242. It's absolutely amazing, but...

243. under the right circumstances...

244. a producer could make more money with a flop...

245. than he could with a hit.

246. Yes, it's quite possible. If he were certain that a show would fail...

247. a man could make a fortune.

248. - Yes? - Yes, what?

249. - What you were saying. Keep talking. - What was I saying?

250. You were saying that a producer...

251. could make more money with a flop than a hit.

252. Well, yes. It's quite possible.

253. You keep saying that, but you don't say how.

254. Well, it's simply a matter of creative accounting.

255. Let's assume for a moment that you are a dishonest man.

256. Assume away.

257. All right. When you produced your last show, Funny Boy...

258. you raised $2000 more than you needed.

259. But you could've raised a million...

260. put on your $100,000 flop and kept the rest.

261. - But what if my show was a hit? - Then you would go to jail.

262. See, rather than 100 percent of the show...

263. you would've sold more than 1000 percent.

264. So if the show's a success, there's no way to pay off the backers.

265. - Get it? - Got it.

266. So in order for our scheme to work, we'd have to find a sure-fire flop.

267. "Our scheme"? What scheme?

268. What scheme?

269. Your scheme, you bloody little genius.

270. I meant no scheme. I merely posed a little academic accounting theory.

271. - It was just a thought. - Bloom...

272. worlds are turned on such thoughts.

273. Don't you see, Bloom? Darling Bloom, glorious Bloom.

274. It's so simple.

275. Step one, we find the worst play ever written.

276. Step two, we hire the worst director in town.

277. - Step three, I raise 2 million dollars. - Two?

278. Yes, one for me, one for you. There's a lot of little old ladies out there.

279. Step four, we hire the worst actors in New York and open on Broadway.

280. And before you can say "step five," we close on Broadway...

281. take our 2 million and go to Rio.

282. Rio? That'd never work.

283. Oh, ye of little faith.

284. What did Lewis say to Clark When everything look ed bleak?

285. What did Sir Edmund say to Tenzing

286. As they struggled Toward Everest's peak?

287. What did Washington say To his troops

288. As they crossed the Delaware?

289. I'm sure you're well aware

290. What'd they say?

291. We can do it

292. We can do it

293. We can do it Me and you

294. We can do it

295. We can do it

296. We can make our dreams come true

297. Everything you've ever wanted

298. Is just waiting to be had

299. Beautiful girls Wearing nothing but pearls

300. Caressing you, undressing you And driving you mad

301. No.

302. Bloom. Bloom, wait a minute, now.

303. Hear me out. Just think about it.

304. Stop!

305. We can do it We can do it

306. This is not the time to shirk

307. We can do it You won't rue it

308. Say goodbye to petty clerk

309. Hi, producer Yes, producer

310. I mean you, sir Go berserk

311. We can do it We can do it

312. And I know it's gonna work

313. What do you say, Bloom?

314. What do I say?

315. Finally, a chance to be A Broadway producer

316. What do I say?

317. Finally, a chance to make My dreams come true, sir

318. What do I say? What do I say?

319. Here's what I say to you, sir

320. I can't do it I can't do it

321. I can't do it That's not me

322. I'm a loser I'm a coward

323. I'm a chick en Don't you see?

324. When it comes to wooing women

325. There's a few things that I lack

326. Beautiful girls Wearing nothing but pearls

327. Chasing me, embracing me I'd have an attack

328. Why, you miserable, cowardly, wretched little caterpillar.

329. Don't you ever wanna become a butterfly?

330. Don't you want to spread your wings and flap your way to glory?

331. No!

332. - Where to? - Central Park.

333. Gotta breathe. Gotta breathe.

334. - We can do it - Mr. Bialystock, please stop the song

335. You've got me wrong I'll say "so long"

336. I'm not as strong a person As you think

337. Mr. Bialystock, just take a look I'm not a crook

338. - Drink champagne, not ginger ale - I'm a schnook, bottom line is I stink

339. - Come on, Leo, can't you see-o? - I can't do it

340. You see Rio, I see jail

341. Driver, stop.

342. Here.

343. - We can do it - I can't do it

344. - We can do it - I can't do it

345. - We can do it - I can't do it

346. - We can do it - I can't do it

347. - We can do it - I cannot, cannot, cannot, cannot do it

348. 'Cause I know it's gonna fail

349. Fail? How could it miss? All you need is a little courage.

350. Bloom, you know what you are? You're like a...

351. You're like a...

352. You're like a fountain waiting to explode and shoot into the sky!

353. - I'm a fountain? - Yes, you're a fountain!

354. Don't you realize? There's a lot more to you than there is to you.

355. Mr. Bialystock, I'm afraid you've made a terrible error in judgment.

356. You've mistaken me for someone with a spine.

357. I'm going back to Whitehall & Marks now.

358. - Goodbye forever. - Bloom. Bloom, wait a minute! Bloom.

359. Think about it. You'll never get a cab at this hour! Bloom.

360. Oh, Lord. Dear Lord...

361. I want that money!

362. Unhappy Unhappy

363. Very unhappy

364. Unhappy Unhappy

365. Very, very, very, very, very Very, very unhappy

366. Bloom!

367. Where the hell have you been?

368. You are six minutes late. This is an accounting firm...

369. not a country club. You can't come and go as you please.

370. - Yes, Mr. Marks. - Remember, you're a nobody.

371. A PA. A public accountant.

372. And I am a CPA. A certified public accountant.

373. A rank a miserable little worm like yourself could never hope to achieve.

374. Yes, Mr. Marks. Thank you for speaking to me.

375. You're welcome.

376. What are you gawking at?

377. You never saw a person humiliated before?

378. Now, get back to work. All of you!

379. Unhappy Unhappy

380. Very, very, very, very Very, very, very unhappy

381. I spend my life accounting

382. - With figures and such - Unhappy

383. To what is my life amounting?

384. - It figures, not much - Unhappy

385. I have a secret desire Hiding deep in my soul

386. It sets my heart afire

387. To see me in this role

388. I wanna be a producer

389. With a hit show on Broadway

390. I wanna be a producer Lunch at Sardi's every day

391. I want to be a producer

392. Sport a top hat and a cane

393. I wanna be a producer And drive those chorus girls insane

394. I wanna be a producer

395. And sleep until half past 2

396. I wanna be a producer And say, "You, you, you... "

397. Not you.

398. I wanna be a producer

399. Wear a tux on opening night

400. I wanna be a producer

401. And see my name, Leo Bloom In lights

402. He wants to be a producer

403. Of a great big Broadway smash

404. He wants to be a producer

405. Every pock et stuffed with cash

406. He wants to be a producer

407. Pinch our cheeks till we cry

408. Yes.

409. He wants to be a producer With a great big casting couch

410. - I wanna be - He wants to be

411. - I wanna be - He wants to be

412. I wanna be the greatest, grandest

413. And most fabulous producer In the world

414. He's gotta dine With a duchess and a duke

415. I just got to be a producer

416. Drink champagne until I puke

417. - Drink champagne till he pukes - I wanna be a producer

418. Show the world just what I got

419. I'm gonna put on shows That will enthral them

420. Read my name in Winchell's column

421. I wanna be a producer

422. - 'Cause it's everything I'm not - Unhappy

423. Unhappy

424. - I wanna be a producer - Very, very unhappy

425. - Unhappy - I wanna be a produce...

426. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Hold everything.

427. Hold everything!

428. What am I doing here? Mr. Bialystock was right.

429. There is a lot more to me than there is to me.

430. Stop the world, I wanna get on!

431. What the hell is going on in here?

432. Do I smell the revolting stench of self-esteem?

433. Bloom, where do you think you're going?

434. You've already had your toilet break.

435. I'm not going into the toilet. I'm going into show business.

436. And, Mr. Marks, I have news for you. I quit!

437. And you were right about one thing, you are a CPA.

438. - A certified public asshole! - Hooray!

439. Here's my visor...

440. my Dixon Ticonderoga number 2 pencil...

441. and my big finish!

442. I'm gonna be a producer

443. He's gonna be a producer

444. - Look out, Broadway - Look out, Broadway

445. 'Cause here I come

446. Mr. Bialystock. Mr. Bialystock.

447. I'm back! I'm back. I've changed my mind.

448. Boy, you are good.

449. - Who are you talking to? - Never mind, just an old friend.

450. - What happened? - Oh, just this...

451. Just this: When I said that I was scared that I was gonna go to jail...

452. I didn't realize that I already was in jail.

453. I've spent my life counting other people's money.

454. People I'm smarter than...

455. better than.

456. When's Leopold Bloom gonna get his share?

457. When's it gonna be Bloom's day? I want... I want...

458. I want everything I've ever seen in the movies.

459. And, Leo, you're gonna have it. Because...

460. - We can do it, we can do it - I'm gonna be a producer

461. Say goodbye to woe and gloom

462. - With your brilliance, my resilience - I'm gonna be a producer

463. - Up together we will zoom - Up together we will zoom

464. - We can do it, we can do it - We can do it, we can do it

465. Every show I touch I doom

466. - We were fated - We were fated

467. - To be mated - To be mated

468. - We're Bialystock and Bloom - We're Bialystock and Bloom

469. Oh, Max...

470. Oh, Max, let's give up. I can't read anymore.

471. - How many plays can a person read? - Stop complaining.

472. We have to find the worst play ever written.

473. - I've been reading all night. - Who cares?

474. You wanna be a producer, read, read. Keep reading.

475. Here's one.

476. Act I, scene one.

477. "Gregor Samsa awoke one morning to discover...

478. that he had been transformed into a giant cockroach."

479. No, too good.

480. " But how could you see me? The glass was frosted."

481. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I've read this before.

482. I think I've read this one before. What's it called? What's it called?

483. The Frosted Glass.

484. Max, I'm reading plays that I read last night, Max.

485. I can't go on anymore. It's too much.

486. Let's face it, we'll never find it.

487. We'll never find it. We'll never find it.

488. We'll never find it. We'll never find it.

489. Leo. Leo. See it? Smell it.

490. Touch it. Kiss it. Kiss it.

491. It's the mother lode.

492. - What is it? You found a flop? - A flop.

493. That's putting it mildly.

494. This is a catastrophe.

495. A disaster certain to offend peoples of all races, creeds and religions.

496. A guaranteed-to-close-in-one-night beauty.

497. - Well, let's see it. - Here.

498. "Springtime for Hitler...

499. a gay romp with Eva and Adolf at Berchtesgaden."

500. Oh, my God.

501. "Oh, my God" is right.

502. It's practically a love letter to Hitler.

503. - Max, this won't run a week. - A week? Are you kidding?

504. This play has got to close on page four.

505. What's the author's name again?

506. " Franz Liebkind. 61 Jane Street, New York, New York."

507. Franz Liebkind. 61 Jane Street.

508. Let's go. We'll get the Broadway rights to Springtime for Hitler...

509. even if we have to go so far as to pay him.

510. - Come on. - This other hat, Max...

511. may I wear it?

512. - No, you may not. - Why?

513. Because that is a Broadway producer's hat.

514. You don't get to wear a Broadway producer's hat, son...

515. until you're a Broadway producer.

516. And you're not a Broadway producer until...

517. I know, I know. Until I've produced a show on Broadway.

518. But I'm going to wear that hat, and soon too, because...

519. We're gonna be the producers

520. Of a great big Broadway flop

521. Ja, ja, my Lieblings.

522. Let me grab you here.

523. We have work to do.

524. Hilda, my darling. Here, I have written an important message...

525. which must reach Ernst Schlongdorf.

526. 29 West Santiago Boulevard...

527. Buenos Aires, Argentina.

528. AQAP.

529. As quick as possible.

530. Good.

531. Fly, Hilda. Fly!

532. Hilda, where are you going?

533. Argentina's that way!

534. Okay, chow time.

535. Yummy, yummy, yummy. Goes right into your belly.

536. It's just a hunch, but I'm betting this is our man.

537. Max, he's wearing a German helmet and lederhosen.

538. Yeah, I know. Don't notice them. Don't notice anything.

539. Always look straight ahead. Remember, we need that play.

540. Franz Liebkind?

541. I was never a member of the Nazi Party!

542. I only followed orders.

543. I had nothing to do with the war.

544. I didn't even know there was a war on.

545. We lived in the back...

546. right across from Switzerland.

547. All we ever heard was yodelling.

548. - Who are you? - Relax.

549. Mr. Liebkind, we're not from the government.

550. We're producers, Bialystock and Bloom...

551. here to talk to you about your play. - My play?

552. You mean Springtime for...

553. you-know-who? - That's the one.

554. - What about it? - We love it. Don't we love it?

555. - We think it's a masterpiece. - We want to put it on Broadway.

556. Broadway! Oh, joy of joys.

557. Dream of dreams. I can't believe it.

558. - I must tell my birds. - Tell your birds.

559. Otto, Bertha, Heinz, Heidi, Wolfgang...

560. Adolf.

561. Do you hear?

562. We are finally going to clear the Führer's name.

563. Broadway!

564. You know, not many people know this...

565. but the Führer was a terrific dancer. - Really?

566. - We didn't know that, did we, Leo? - No, no, we sure didn't.

567. That's because you were taken in by the BBC!

568. Filthy British lies!

569. But did they ever say a bad word about Winston Churchill?

570. Churchill!

571. With his cigars, with his brandy and his rotten paintings.

572. Rotten!

573. Hitler.

574. There was a painter.

575. He could paint an entire apartment in one afternoon.

576. Two coats.

577. Yes. Yes.

578. Yes, of course he could, Mr. Liebkind.

579. And that is exactly why we wanna produce your play.

580. Show the world the true Hitler. The Hitler you loved...

581. the Hitler you knew, the Hitler with a song in his heart.

582. Here, Franz Liebkind. Sign here...

583. and make your dream a reality.

584. - No. - That's what "nein" means.

585. First you must prove to me that you believe as I believe...

586. by joining with me and singing and dancing the Führer's favourite tune:

587. " Der Guten Tag Hop-Clop."

588. I know.

589. - " Der Guten Tag Hop-Clop"? - " Der Guten Tag Hop-Clop."

590. No. I could never sing the Führer's favourite...

591. Delighted. Delighted.

592. Song. - Shut up, he's almost ready to sign.

593. All right. First you will roll up your pants.

594. - Rolling? - Rolling.

595. - Don't be stingy. Show some leg. - Alrighty.

596. - Good. - Good.

597. - Key of E? - Is there any other?

598. Guten Tag hop hop Guten Tag clop clop

599. Ach, du lieber Und oh, boy

600. Guten Tag clap clap Guten Tag slap slap

601. Ach, du lieber What a joy

602. Oh, wir essen und fressen Und tanzen und trinken

603. Tanzen und trinken Until we get stinkin'

604. - Everybody! - Guten Tag hop hop

605. Guten Tag clop clop

606. Guten Tag Mein lieber Schatz

607. So we hop our hops Und we clop our clops

608. Und we drink our Schnaps Till we platz

609. You will sway?

610. We will sway.

611. Follow me.

612. Very good.

613. Whatever you say.

614. This is a tricky one

615. Oh, the Hop-Clop. It's been so long!

616. Sort of a Nazi hoedown.

617. Gentlemen, you may produce my play.

618. Excellent. Excellent.

619. Here we are. Here.

620. But only if you take the Siegfried Oath.

621. The Siegfried Oath? What's that?

622. A pledge of eternal allegiance to our beloved Führer.

623. Never...

624. took that oath before.

625. One for me, one for you, und one for you.

626. Never... Had one of those on before. Thanks very much.

627. - You're welcome. - Nice colours.

628. Oh, look, reversible.

629. - Oh, yeah, you're right. - Max.

630. Max, we never should have started this.

631. I think we're getting in too deep.

632. Too deep? This is nothing.

633. I'll tell you when we're getting in too deep.

634. All right.

635. First, you will raise your right forefinger...

636. und repeat after me.

637. I solemnly swear...

638. - I solemnly swear... - I solemnly swear...

639. to obey the sacred Siegfried Oath.

640. To obey the sacred Siegfried Oath. to obey the sacred Siegfried Oath.

641. - Und... - Und...

642. Und...

643. never, never, never...

644. never, never, never... never, never, never...

645. dishonour the spirit und the memory of Adolf Elizabeth Hitler.

646. Dishonour the spirit und the... dishonour the spirit und the...

647. - Elizabeth? - Elizabeth?

648. Ja, that was his middle name.

649. Not many people know this...

650. but the Führer was descended from a long line of English queens.

651. Is that right?

652. Yes.

653. - Adolf Elizabeth Hitler. - Adolf Elizabeth Hitler.

654. - Good. Now I sign your contract. - Excellent! Excellent.

655. Here we are, sir. Right here on the dotted line.

656. There you are. You shall never regret this.

657. So thank you, Herr Liebkind. Alrighty, then.

658. Thank you.

659. Let it go. Let it go.

660. Halt!

661. I forgot to tell you.

662. The penalty for breaking the Siegfried Oath...

663. is dess.

664. " Dess"?

665. Is that anything like "death"?

666. Yeth.

667. Sorry to hear that. Don't worry...

668. we'll iron out all these thorny details over strudel.

669. Ta-ta, big guy. Here we go...

670. We're trapped! Trapped!

671. Got it.

672. Let's have lunch.

673. What nice guys.

674. Broadway.

675. I haven't been so happy since we crushed Poland.

676. Hello, the living room of renowned theatrical director...

677. Roger debris' elegant Upper East Side townhouse...

678. on a sunny Tuesday afternoon in June.

679. Who may I say is calling?

680. Listen, you broken-down old queen...

681. he was drunk, he was hot, you got lucky.

682. - Don't ever call here again. - Who was that?

683. Wrong number.

684. Yes?

685. Well, hi there.

686. I'm Max Bialystock and this is my associate, Mr. Bloom.

687. We have an appointment with renowned theatrical director...

688. Roger debris. - Ah, yes. Yes, please come in.

689. - Please. Yes. - Thank you.

690. I am Carmen Ghia...

691. Mr. debris' common-law assistant.

692. You are expected.

693. May I take your hat, your coat and your swastikas?

694. Oh, these. We... We...

695. We just came from this big rally. Everybody was wearing them.

696. - You didn't tell me we had those on? - I didn't notice them.

697. - You told me to look straight ahead. - Yes, all right. Let's not fight. Okay?

698. Oh, Roger.

699. We're not alone.

700. Here's Roger.

701. - Max, he's wearing a dress. - No kidding.

702. Roger, good to see you again.

703. Messrs. Bialystock and Bloom, I presume?

704. Forgive the pun.

705. - What pun? - Shut up. He thinks he's witty.

706. Roger, may I say you look gorgeous. Absolutely gorgeous.

707. By the way, Max, darling, we loved Funny Boy, didn't we?

708. Worshipped it.

709. To be or not to be You mean a lot to me

710. - Showstopper! - Fabulous.

711. Oh, dear. Your Mr. Bloom is staring at my gown.

712. - Well, I was... - I should explain.

713. I'm going to the Choreographers' Ball. There is a prize for best costume.

714. - We always win. - I'm not so sure about this year.

715. I'm supposed to be the Grand Duchess Anastasia...

716. but I think I look more like the Chrysler Building.

717. Well, as far as I'm concerned, without your wig on, you're only half dressed.

718. Well, then, why don't you go and get it...

719. oh, Wicked Witch of the West.

720. If your intention...

721. was to shoot an arrow through my heart...

722. bull's-eye!

723. Oh, Roger, let's face it, that building is you.

724. Listen, I know we sent it to you only this morning...

725. but did you read Springtime for Hitler?

726. Read it? I devoured it.

727. And I find it remarkable. Remarkable!

728. I feel it is a very important piece, drenched with historical goodies.

729. I, for one, for instance, never realized that the Third Reich...

730. meant Germany.

731. Yeah, how about that. Then you'll do it?

732. Do it? Of course not. It's not my kind of thing. I mean, Max, please.

733. World War II? Too dark, too depressing.

734. The theatre's so obsessed With dramas so depressed

735. It's hard to sell a tick et on Broadway

736. Shows should be more pretty Shows should be more witty

737. Shows should be more

738. What's the word?

739. - Gay? - Exactly.

740. No matter what you do on the stage

741. Keep it light, keep it bright Keep it gay

742. Whether it's murder Mayhem or rage

743. Don't complain, it's a pain Keep it gay

744. People want laughter When they see a show

745. The last thing they're after is A litany of woe

746. A happy ending Will pep up your play

747. Oedipus won't bomb

748. If he winds up with Mom

749. - Keep it gay - Keep it gay

750. - Keep it gay - Keep it gay

751. Couldn't agree more.

752. And you have our blessings, Roger...

753. to make Springtime for Hitler just as gay as anyone could possibly want.

754. So come on, do it for us. Please.

755. I'm sorry, Max. It's simply not my cup of tea.

756. Still, fair is fair.

757. I should ask my production team what they think.

758. Your production team, who are they?

759. You'll see. They all live here.

760. Guys! Come say hello to Bialystock and Bloom!

761. This is my set designer, Brian.

762. Hello.

763. Keep it mad, keep it glad Keep it gay

764. - Here's my costume designer, Kevin. - Hello.

765. Keep it happy, keep it snappy Keep it gay

766. We're clever, creative It's our job to see

767. That everything's perfect For Mr. debris

768. Scott, my choreographer.

769. Hi there.

770. And, finally, last and least...

771. my lighting designer, Shirley Markowitz.

772. Keep it gay Keep it gay

773. Keep it gay

774. Now, they all just read Springtime. What did you think of it, fellas?

775. - It needs glamour - And glitz

776. - It needs sequins - And tits

777. Leo. Leo, I think we're losing them.

778. Go say something nice to Roger. I think he likes you.

779. - But, Max... - Go on. It's just show biz.

780. Mr. debris. Roger.

781. Roger, actually, I think your gown is very stunning.

782. Why, thank you, Mr. Bloom.

783. Leo.

784. What is that enchanting cologne you're wearing?

785. Me? I'm not wearing any cologne.

786. You mean that smell is you?

787. Oh, God.

788. If I could bottle you, I'd shove you under my armpits every day.

789. Oh, Max. Max, we never should've started this.

790. - I think we're getting in too deep. - Too deep? This is nothing.

791. I'll tell you when we're getting in too deep.

792. And so the rule is

793. When mounting a play

794. Keep it funny Keep it sunny

795. Keep it gay

796. - What should we do? - Relax. Watch this.

797. Roger, I...

798. I think that Springtime for Hitler would be a marvellous opportunity for you.

799. I mean, up to now, you've always been associated with...

800. Dare I say it? frivolous musicals.

801. You're right. I've often felt as though...

802. I've been throwing my life away on silly entertainments.

803. Dopey showgirls in gooey gowns.

804. Two, three, kick, turn, turn, turn, kick, turn.

805. - Roger. - It's enough to make you heave.

806. Nonetheless, I'm sorry, Max, I just couldn't do Springtime for Hitler.

807. - Why not? Think of the respect. - No.

808. - Think of the prestige. - No, no, no.

809. Think of the Tony!

810. Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony

811. - What's the matter? - Is he all right?

812. - He's having a stroke. - What?

813. - Of genius! - I see it at last.

814. The chance to do something important.

815. Roger debris presents History

816. Of course that second act has to be rewritten.

817. They're losing the war? Excuse me, that's too downbeat.

818. Roger debris presents History

819. But maybe...

820. It's a wild idea, but it just might work.

821. I

822. See

823. A line

824. Of beautiful girls

825. Dressed as storm troopers Each one a gem

826. With leather boots And whips on their hips

827. - It's risqué, dare I say, S & M - Love it!

828. I see German soldiers Dancing through France

829. Played by chorus boys In very tight pants

830. And wait, there's more

831. They'll win the war

832. And the dances they do Will be daring and new

833. Turn, turn, kick, turn. One, two, three, kick, turn.

834. Keep it sassy, keep it classy Keep it...

835. That is brilliant, brilliant, brilliant!

836. I speak for Mr. Bloom and myself, Roger...

837. when I say you are the only man in the world...

838. who could do justice to Springtime for Hitler.

839. - Will you do it, please? - Please.

840. Wait a minute. This is a very big decision.

841. It might affect the course of my life.

842. I shall have to think about it. I'll do it.

843. I'll do it

844. Sabu, champagne!

845. If at the end You want them to cheer

846. Keep it gay, keep it gay, keep it gay

847. Whether it's Hamlet, Othello Or Lear

848. Keep it gay, keep it gay, keep it gay

849. Comedy's joyous A constant delight

850. Dramas annoy us And ruin our night

851. So keep your Strindbergs And Ibsens at bay

852. - I'll sign - Sign

853. - Sign - Sign

854. - Sign - Sign

855. Sign!

856. Roger Elizabeth debris.

857. Keep it gay

858. - Conga! - Everybody!

859. And so the rule is

860. When mounting a play Keep it gay

861. Keep it gay

862. Stop it.

863. Keep it gay

864. Exclusive Broadway rights to the worst show ever written...

865. and a signed contract with the worst director who ever lived.

866. We're in business.

867. And what a business.

868. In the same day, I'm taking the Siegfried Oath...

869. and dancing the conga with a cop, a sailor...

870. and an extremely friendly Cherokee Indian.

871. Yeah. Oh, well.

872. It's not easy being a Broadway producer.

873. But together we'll make it. Partners, Leo. Partners all the way...

874. and nothing or no one will ever come between us.

875. Nothing or no one, Max.

876. - Come in. - Come in.

877. Bialystock and Bloom?

878. - What? - Oh, excuse me.

879. Swedish.

880. Casting today?

881. - Cahstink? Cahstink? - Cahstink?

882. - Casting! - Casting.

883. No, no, no, miss. We're not casting yet.

884. We don't even know when we're beginning rehearsals...

885. Yes, we just started casting today. Yes.

886. - We're casting? - Yes. Yes, we're casting.

887. If you don't mind, just once in my life...

888. I'd like to see somebody on that couch who's under 85.

889. What's your name, my dear?

890. My name is Ulla Inga...

891. Hansen Benson Yonsen Tallen-Hallen Svaden Svanson.

892. Wait. Wait. What's your first name?

893. That was my first name.

894. You wanna hear my last name?

895. We don't have the time. We'll just call you Ulla.

896. Okay? Yeah. What do you do, Ulla?

897. - Ulla sing and dance. - Oh, yeah?

898. - You want Ulla make audition? - Oh, no, miss.

899. - That won't be nece... - Yes, it is "nece".

900. Extremely nece.

901. Please. Please make audition. Make audition all over the office.

902. - What are you going to sing? - Well...

903. yesterday when I was stepping out of a big, white Rolls-Royce limo...

904. a crazy man yelled something out the window...

905. that inspired me to write this song.

906. When you got it

907. Flaunt it

908. Step right up and strut your stuff

909. People tell you modesty's a virtue

910. But in the theatre Modesty can hurt you

911. When you got it

912. Flaunt it

913. Show your assets Let 'em know you're proud

914. Your goodies you must push

915. Stick your chest out Shake your tush

916. When you got it Shout it out loud

917. Now Ulla dance.

918. When you got it

919. Show it

920. Put your hidden treasures On display

921. Violinists love to play an E string

922. But audiences really love a G-string

923. When you got it

924. Shout it

925. Let the whole world hear What you're about

926. Clothes may make the man All a girl needs is a tan

927. When you got it Let it hang out

928. - Remember when Ulla dance? - Yeah.

929. Ulla dance again.

930. Ulla dance again!

931. When I was just a little girl In Sweden

932. My thoughtful mother Gave me this advice

933. If nature blesses you From top to bottom

934. Show that top to bottom Don't think twice

935. Now Ulla belt.

936. Don't think twice!

937. When you got it

938. Share it

939. Let the public feast Upon your charms

940. People say that being prim Is proper

941. But every showgirl knows That prim will stop her

942. When you got it

943. Give it

944. Don't be selfish Give it all away

945. Don't be shy Be bold and cute

946. Show the boys your birthday suit

947. When you got it

948. If you got it

949. Once you got it

950. Shout out

951. Hooray!

952. Okey-dokey.

953. You like it?

954. Like... Like it?

955. I want you to know, my dear, that even though we're sitting down...

956. we're giving you a standing ovation.

957. She's in the show.

958. Wait, Max. Max, we don't even know if there's a part for her in the show.

959. Would you excuse us, my dear?

960. Nonsense, Bloom.

961. Bloom, do I have to teach you everything?

962. There is always a part for the producer's girlfriend.

963. But we don't even know when we're starting rehearsal yet.

964. So what? So what? We're producers, aren't we?

965. So until she goes into the show, she can work for us here.

966. Because we need... Nay, deserve to have ourselves a...

967. Deserve to have ourselves a gorgeous Swedish secretary/receptionist.

968. But, Max, a secretary who doesn't speak English? What will people say?

969. They'll say:

970. Offer her the job, please?

971. Just a moment, miss.

972. We might have a position for you.

973. As a matter of fact, we might have several positions for you.

974. Until the show gets going...

975. we can offer you a job here as a secretary/receptionist.

976. Secretary/receptionist?

977. Okey/dokey!

978. I can do that.

979. Answer telephone.

980. Bialystock and Bloom.

981. Bialystock and Bloom.

982. Smart as a whip.

983. You're hired!

984. Well... Well, all right. If he says so, I don't have a...

985. Secretary/receptionist.

986. And maybe you can tidy up around here a little bit too.

987. Tidy up? Tidy up.

988. Such a funny word. What means "tidy up"?

989. - You know, clean. - Make look nice.

990. - Oh, yeah. Ulla can make tidy up. - Very good.

991. What time can you be here in the morning?

992. Well, Ulla wake up every morning, 5 a. m.

993. From 5 to 7, Ulla like to exercise.

994. From to 7 to 8, Ulla like to take long shower.

995. From to 8 to 9, Ulla like to have big Swedish breakfast.

996. Many different herrings.

997. From to 9 to 11, Ulla like to practice her singing and her dancing.

998. And at 11, Ulla like to have sex.

999. What time should I get here?

1000. - Eleven. - Eleven.

1001. Good. Ulla will come at 11.

1002. Ulla will come at 11.

1003. God bless America!

1004. God bless Sweden.

1005. Oh, Max. Max, she's fantastic.

1006. The most beautiful girl I've ever seen.

1007. I've never felt this way before.

1008. It's like a volcano erupting inside of me...

1009. like hot lava rising higher and higher and...

1010. What is that, Max?

1011. What is it?

1012. It's called an erection. It's either that or malaria.

1013. But don't worry, they have shots for everything now.

1014. Come here, I want to show you something.

1015. - What do you see? - Nothing.

1016. Exactly. But now that we've got our sure-fire flop...

1017. it's gonna be our job to fill that safe with 2 million dollars.

1018. Two million? Gee, how much do we put in?

1019. How much...? How much do we put in?

1020. Bloom...

1021. the two cardinal rules of being a Broadway producer...

1022. are one, never put your own money in the show.

1023. And two?

1024. Never put your own money in the show!

1025. - Get it? - Got it.

1026. - Good. - So how do we raise the money?

1027. How? I'll tell you how.

1028. From my investors.

1029. Hundreds of little old ladies...

1030. all looking to Max Bialystock for one last thrill on their way to the cemetery.

1031. So in the days to come, Bloom, you shall see very little of me.

1032. And right now, I'd like to see very little of you.

1033. Scram while I get myself ready.

1034. For Max Bialystock is about to launch himself...

1035. into little-old-lady land.

1036. The time has come

1037. To be a lover from the Argentine

1038. To slick my hair down With brilliantine

1039. And gargle heavily With Listerine

1040. It's time for Max

1041. To put his backers on their backs

1042. And thrill them with amazing acts

1043. Those aging nymphomaniacs

1044. They were helpless They were hopeless

1045. Then along came Bialy

1046. They were joyless They were boy-less

1047. Then along came Bialy

1048. They're my angels I'm their devil

1049. And I keep those embers aglow

1050. When I woos 'em I can't lose 'em

1051. 'Cause I cast my spell And they start yellin'

1052. "Fire down below!"

1053. So romantic They were frantic

1054. Then their prayers were heard Up above

1055. Heaven sent them

1056. Their Bialy

1057. I'm the celebration of love

1058. Who is it? Who is it?

1059. It's Max Bialystock.

1060. Maxy.

1061. Fire down below!

1062. We were listing We were sinking

1063. Then along came Bialy

1064. We were desperate We were drinking

1065. - Then along came Bialy - Who's your daddy?

1066. So romantic We were frantic

1067. Then our prayers were heard Up above

1068. It's Bialy

1069. Hey, Bialy

1070. He's the culmination

1071. The restoration

1072. The consummation

1073. The titillation

1074. Ejaculation

1075. He's the celebration of love

1076. Thank you.

1077. Bloom! Bloom!

1078. What, Max? What?

1079. I've done it. I've done it, I've raised the 2 million.

1080. Now all we have to do is put on the biggest flop in history.

1081. That's great!

1082. We can't miss

1083. I gotta make the next payment on the theatre by 3:00 or else...

1084. Sorry, wrong office.

1085. Bialystock. Bloom.

1086. Max. Leo.

1087. - Ulla? - Ulla?

1088. What happened to the office?

1089. Like you tell Ulla, "tidy up."

1090. Tidy "oop"?

1091. How did you find the time to do all this?

1092. - I skip lunch. - Of course you did.

1093. - Very nice. - She skipped lunch.

1094. Almost 3. That payment to the Shuberts.

1095. I'll get the cash from the safe.

1096. You make sure all those contracts are signed.

1097. Yes, Max.

1098. She painted over the numbers.

1099. Hello, boys.

1100. Nobody knows what I went through to get you.

1101. Ulla knows.

1102. You had to shtupp every little old lady in New York.

1103. That's right. That's right.

1104. And I've still got the denture bites to prove it.

1105. Work, work, work. Work, work, work.

1106. So, Mr. Bloom.

1107. We are all alone.

1108. Yes, we are, aren't we?

1109. Why Bloom go so far camera right?

1110. Bloom no like Ulla?

1111. Ulla like Bloom.

1112. Bloom like Ulla, all right.

1113. - Maybe a little too much. - Good.

1114. I'm glad.

1115. Why Bloom need blue blanket?

1116. Oh, it's not important.

1117. It's just a minor compulsion. It's that I've...

1118. I've had it ever since I was a baby, and I...

1119. You're a little too close.

1120. The urge to merge Can rob us of our senses

1121. The need to breed Can make a man a drone

1122. We must be on alert With our defences

1123. For every skirt will test

1124. Testosterone

1125. So knowing this I severed all connection

1126. With any creature Sporting silk or lace

1127. I was firmly headed In the right direction

1128. When suddenly I stumbled on

1129. That face

1130. That face That face

1131. That dangerous face

1132. I mustn't be unwise

1133. Those lips That nose

1134. Those eyes

1135. Could lead to my demise

1136. That face That face

1137. That marvellous face

1138. I never should begin

1139. Those cheeks That neck

1140. That chin

1141. Will surely do me in

1142. I must be smart And hide my heart

1143. If she's within a mile

1144. If I don't duck I'm out of luck

1145. She'd kill me with her smile

1146. That face That face

1147. That fabulous face

1148. It's clear I must beware

1149. I'm certain if I fall in love

1150. I'm lost without a trace

1151. But it's worth it

1152. For that face

1153. Bloom help Ulla down?

1154. All right. Bloom help Ulla down.

1155. That face

1156. That face

1157. That lovable face

1158. It melts my Swedish heart

1159. I'm certain if I fall in love

1160. I'm lost without a trace

1161. But it's worth it

1162. For that face

1163. Again! Arabesque, prepare...

1164. pirouette and twirl.

1165. And goose step, goose step...

1166. waltz-clog and kick. Again!

1167. Arabesque, prepare, pirouette and twirl.

1168. And goose step, goose step, waltz-clog and kick! Again!

1169. Arabesque, prepare, pirouette!

1170. - Halt! - Halt.

1171. - Halt! - Halt!

1172. - This is bedlam! Bedlam! - This is bedlam! Bedlam!

1173. Shut up!

1174. We must have some order here.

1175. Will all the dancing Hitlers please wait off-stage right...

1176. and all the singing Hitlers off-stage left.

1177. Get that way.

1178. Carmen, call in a singing Hitler, please.

1179. Yes, darling... Roger.

1180. "Jacques LaPidus."

1181. "Jacques LaPidus."

1182. "Jack Lapidus."

1183. Well, Jack, what are you going to sing for us?

1184. I would like to sing "A Wandering Minstrel I."

1185. If you must.

1186. A wandering minstrel I

1187. A thing of shreds and

1188. - Thank you! - Patches

1189. Next, please.

1190. " Donald Dinsmore. "

1191. Well, Donald, if we...

1192. Well, Donald, I...

1193. - Hi, how are you? - That's all right, Donald.

1194. Hello. Yes.

1195. Now, what are you going to sing for us, friend?

1196. I'd like to sing "The Little Wooden Boy."

1197. Thank you.

1198. Next!

1199. "Jason Green."

1200. Well, Jason, what have you been up to lately?

1201. For the last 16 years, I have been touring in No No Nietzsche.

1202. - You played Nietzsche? - No, no.

1203. What are you gonna sing for us?

1204. " Have You Ever Heard the German Band?"

1205. - No. - That is the name of the song...

1206. I am going to sing.

1207. Play it, please.

1208. Speed it up.

1209. Haben Sie gehört Das deutsche Band?

1210. Mit a bang

1211. Mit a boom

1212. Mit a bing-bang bing-bang boom

1213. Oh, haben Sie gehört...

1214. Halt! Halt!

1215. Halt! No, no, no.

1216. This man could never play Adolf Hitler.

1217. The Führer wasn't a mousy little mama's boy.

1218. The Führer was butch!

1219. And that is not how you sing...

1220. " Haben Sie gehört das deutsche Band?"

1221. This is how you sing " Haben Sie gehört das deutsche Band?"

1222. B- flat. Two-two time!

1223. Modulate at the bridge!

1224. Haben Sie gehört Das deutsche Band?

1225. Mit a bang Mit a boom

1226. Mit a bing-bang bing-bang boom

1227. Oh, haben Sie gehört Das deutsche Band?

1228. Mit a bang Mit a boom

1229. Mit a bing-bang bing-bang boom

1230. Russian folk songs Und French ooh-la-la

1231. Can't compare With the German oom-pah-pah

1232. We're saying

1233. Haben Sie gehört Das deutsche Band?

1234. Mit a zetz Mit a zap

1235. Mit a zing

1236. Polish polkas They're stupid und they're rotten

1237. It don't mean a thing If it ain't got that

1238. Schweigen-reigen-schone- Schutzen-schmutzen Sauerbraten

1239. Key change!

1240. We're saying

1241. Haben Sie gehört Das deutsche Band?

1242. Mit a zetz Mit a zap

1243. Mit a zing

1244. It's the only kind of music

1245. That we Hans und our honeys Love to sing

1246. That's our Hitler!

1247. Have your tickets ready. Have your tickets ready.

1248. This way, please. This way, please.

1249. Take your seats.

1250. Good evening, sir. Nice to see you.

1251. - Enjoy the show. - Thank you.

1252. - Oh, Mr. Bloom. - Oh, Mr. Bloom.

1253. - You look so handsome. - Thank you.

1254. Leo!

1255. Leo, who said you could wear that hat?

1256. Nobody, Max. But I thought now that I'm the producer of a Broadway show...

1257. - Has the curtain gone up yet? - No.

1258. - Has the curtain come down yet? - No.

1259. Then you're not a producer yet. Give me that hat.

1260. Mr. Bloom! Leo.

1261. Your tie is all askew.

1262. Askew. Oh, thank you, Ulla.

1263. Have a good show.

1264. Roll them in the aisles.

1265. Okey-dokey.

1266. I will try to.

1267. But there's just so many of them.

1268. Gee, I thought we were partners, sharing everything 50-50.

1269. Now I'm out in the cold, and you two are busy askewing each other.

1270. Askewing? Never, Max.

1271. Hugs and kisses, yes, but that's as far as I go.

1272. Gunter, you will pick me up back here right after the curtain.

1273. Oh, God, will they love us? Will they hate us?

1274. The suspense is killing me.

1275. I know. I feel like I'm going into labour.

1276. Messrs. Bialystock and Bloom. Well, gentlemen, merde.

1277. And I just wanna wish everybody good luck.

1278. - What? What did you say? - Bite your tongue.

1279. Well, what's the matter? All I said was "good luck."

1280. - He said it again. - Hasn't anyone ever told you?

1281. It's bad luck to say "good luck" On opening night

1282. If you do I tell you

1283. It is certain by the curtain You are through

1284. Good luck.

1285. It's bad luck to say "good luck" On opening night

1286. Once it's said You are dead

1287. You will get the worst reviews You ever read

1288. Good luck.

1289. Even at the Comédie Française

1290. On the opening night They are scared

1291. "Bonne chance, mes amis" No one says

1292. - The only word you'll ever hear is - Merde

1293. Good luck, good luck, good luck.

1294. It's verboten Wishing luck on opening night

1295. Take advice Don't think twice

1296. Or your show will surely end up In the Scheiss

1297. At the famous La Scala in Milan

1298. On opening night it's a rule

1299. "Al bocca lupo," they say with élan

1300. And just for luck they all shout

1301. - "Vaffanculo" - I got it

1302. Now I'll never say "good luck" On opening night

1303. That's the rule I'm no fool

1304. What do I say, I beg?

1305. What you say is "break a leg"

1306. - Break a leg? - Yeah.

1307. - Break a leg. - Break a leg.

1308. If you're clever

1309. Good luck.

1310. You'll endeavour

1311. To never, never, never, never Ever, ever, ever say

1312. On opening night

1313. Five minutes to curtain. Curtain going up in five minutes.

1314. I'm late. I must run!

1315. - Break a leg! - Break a leg!

1316. Franz, what happened?

1317. I broke my leg.

1318. Now we'll have to cancel the show and give everyone their money back.

1319. Money back?

1320. Money back?

1321. Money back.

1322. Don't ever say that again. Money back?

1323. Never. We gotta think of something else.

1324. But Franz plays Hitler, Max, and he has no understudy.

1325. You're right. What are we gonna do? There must be a way out.

1326. If I could only think of something. Some way. Some...

1327. Hold it. I got it. Roger, you. You could play Hitler.

1328. You know every line in the show.

1329. I've seen you at rehearsal, always moving your lips along with the actors.

1330. It's an embarrassing habit. I'm trying to break myself of it.

1331. But me play Hitler? No! There's no way I could go on tonight.

1332. I don't have the strength. I don't have the courage.

1333. I can't do it! I can't do it! I can't do it!

1334. - Wow, that hurt. - Roger.

1335. Listen to me.

1336. You can do it.

1337. You know you can do it, and I know you can do it.

1338. You've been waiting all your lifetime for this chance.

1339. And I'm not gonna let you pass it up.

1340. You're going out there a silly, hysterical, screaming queen.

1341. But you're coming back a great big...

1342. passing-for-straight Broadway star.

1343. All right. You're right.

1344. I'll do it! By God, I'll do it!

1345. I've got to get into makeup. Quick, get Franz's Hitler moustache.

1346. And, oh! My lucky Gloria Swanson mole.

1347. Got it!

1348. Leo, the overture.

1349. Let's go.

1350. - Max. - What?

1351. This is it!

1352. - Good luck, Leo. - Good luck, Max.

1353. Germany was having trouble What a sad, sad story

1354. Needed a new leader To restore its former glory

1355. Where, oh, where was he?

1356. Where could that man be?

1357. We look ed around

1358. And then we found

1359. The man for you and me

1360. And now it's

1361. Springtime for Hitler and Germany

1362. Deutschland is happy and gay

1363. We're marching to a faster pace

1364. Look out Here comes the master race

1365. Springtime for Hitler and Germany

1366. Rhineland's a fine land once more

1367. Springtime for Hitler and Germany

1368. Watch out, Europe

1369. We're going on tour

1370. Springtime for Hitler and Germany

1371. Look, it's springtime

1372. Winter for Poland and France

1373. Springtime for Hitler and Germany

1374. Springtime Springtime

1375. Springtime Springtime

1376. Springtime Springtime

1377. Springtime

1378. Come on, Germans

1379. Go into your dance

1380. I was born in Düsseldorf And that is why they call me Rolf

1381. Don't be stupid, be a smarty Come and join the Nazi Party

1382. Well, I never! Talk about bad taste.

1383. Come on, let's get out of here before they kill us.

1384. The Führer is coming

1385. The Führer is coming

1386. The Führer is coming

1387. - Heil Hitler - Heil Hitler

1388. Heil Hitler

1389. Springtime for Hitler and Germany

1390. Heil Hitler

1391. Heil myself

1392. Heil to me

1393. I'm the Kraut who's out

1394. To change our history

1395. Heil myself Raise your hand

1396. There's no greater dictator In the land

1397. - Everything I do, I do for you - Yes, you do

1398. If you're looking for a war Here's World War II

1399. Heil myself Raise your beer

1400. Every hotsy-totsy Nazi Stand and cheer

1401. Hooray

1402. Heil myself

1403. Heil myself

1404. Every hotsy-totsy Nazi

1405. Stand and cheer

1406. He's so cute Let's give a salute and heil

1407. Heil myself

1408. I love you.

1409. I was just a paperhanger

1410. No one more obscurer

1411. Got a phone call from the Reichstag

1412. Told me I was Führer

1413. Germany was blue

1414. Oh, what, oh, what to do?

1415. Hitched up my pants

1416. And conquered France

1417. Now Deutschland's smiling through

1418. Oh, it ain't no mystery

1419. If it's politics or history

1420. The thing you gotta know is

1421. Everything is show biz

1422. Heil myself

1423. Watch my show

1424. I'm the German Ethel Merman Don't you know?

1425. We are crossing borders

1426. The New World Order is here

1427. Make a great big smile

1428. Everyone "Sieg Heil" to me

1429. Wonderful me

1430. And now it's springtime

1431. Springtime for Hitler and Germany

1432. - Goose step - Goose step's the new step today

1433. Bombs falling from the skies again

1434. Deutschland is on the rise again

1435. Springtime for Hitler and Germany

1436. U- boats are sailing once more

1437. Springtime for Hitler and Germany

1438. - Means that - Soon we'll be going

1439. - We've got to be going - You know we'll be going

1440. You bet we'll be going

1441. You know we'll be going

1442. To war

1443. Roger!

1444. "A satiric masterpiece. "

1445. No way out.

1446. "A surprise smash."

1447. No way out.

1448. " It was shocking, outrageous, insulting...

1449. and I loved every minute of it."

1450. No way out!

1451. How could this happen?

1452. We picked the wrong play, the wrong director, the wrong cast.

1453. Where did we go right?

1454. " Congratulations."

1455. - What are you doing? - I'm taking these books...

1456. and I'm leaving.

1457. Don't try and stop me. I've made up my mind.

1458. Wait. Where do you think you're going?

1459. I'm turning myself in. It's the only way.

1460. I'm going to play ball with the IRS.

1461. I'm going to cooperate with the authorities.

1462. They'll reduce my sentence, there's time off for good behaviour.

1463. Maybe I'll get a job in the prison library.

1464. Please keep in touch. It's been very nice working with you.

1465. Leo. Leo. Leo.

1466. Frightened Leo. Nervous Leo, relax.

1467. Take it easy, all right?

1468. You're overwrought. You don't know what you're doing.

1469. You're acting out of panic.

1470. Give me those frigging books! Give me!

1471. - Give me! Give me! Give me! - I never should've listened to you.

1472. I was an honest man before I met you.

1473. An honest man? You were an honest mouse!

1474. - Give me. Give me. - How I hate you!

1475. Double! Double! Double!

1476. Fat! Fat!

1477. I'm not that fat.

1478. Fat!

1479. Fat!

1480. Fatty!

1481. Fatso! You fat, fat, fatty, fatty, fat walrus.

1482. Give me the fat books!

1483. - Never, never! - Fat, fat, fatty, fat!

1484. - Oh, Jesus! - Give them to me!

1485. Give me the books!

1486. - Congratulations! - Congratulations!

1487. - Give it to me! Give it to me! - No! No!

1488. - Give it to me! Give it to me! - No! No!

1489. Now, that's what I call celebrating.

1490. You. You lousy fruit.

1491. - You ruined me. - You ungrateful breeder.

1492. After he stepped in and saved your little show, I cannot... My chains!

1493. - Leave him alone! - My Italian chains! My chains!

1494. You have broken the Siegfried Oath.

1495. You must die. You all must die!

1496. What are you doing, you neo-Nazi nitwit?

1497. - Your show's a hit. - Who cares?

1498. You made a fool out of Hitler.

1499. - He didn't need our help. - He didn't need our help.

1500. Stand still! How can I shoot you if you keep moving?

1501. Get back here!

1502. Under the desk! Under the desk!

1503. - Darling, quick, back in the closet. - Okay.

1504. This is no good.

1505. I'm not killing anybody.

1506. You must cooperate!

1507. All right, Bialystock und Bloom.

1508. Now I got you.

1509. Say your prayers!

1510. Remember I'd tell you when we're in too deep?

1511. - Yeah? - We're in too deep.

1512. Franz, don't do it! Please, I beg you!

1513. Oh, no, no.

1514. You snivelling cowards!

1515. Cringing under a desk?

1516. Clinging to life like baby butterflies.

1517. Franz Liebkind will show you how to die like a man!

1518. Jammed. Boy, when things go wrong...

1519. That's it. Next time, no author.

1520. What are you shooting at us for anyway?

1521. You Teutonic twit!

1522. Wait. Wait a minute.

1523. I just got an idea.

1524. A way to close the show.

1525. Franz, I...

1526. - There, there. - Where? Where?

1527. Franz, listen to me.

1528. Why don't you use this where it'll do some good.

1529. - Why don't you shoot the actors. - The actors?

1530. Yes, the actors.

1531. Everybody laughed at your beloved Führer tonight, and why?

1532. Because of the actors. The actors were making fun of him.

1533. Yeah, you're right, the actors!

1534. Yes. Here, go, buy bullets.

1535. - Kill. Kill all the actors. - I must kill all the actors.

1536. Wait a minute!

1537. What are you talking about?

1538. What do you mean, "kill the actors"? You can't kill the actors.

1539. Actors are not animals. They're human beings.

1540. They are? Have you ever eaten with one?

1541. - Here. Listen... - Open up, it's the police!

1542. - The police! - The police!

1543. Come on, boys.

1544. I was never a member of the Nazi Party. I had nothing...

1545. You, drop that gun.

1546. - Ociffers! - What's going on here?

1547. This crazy Kraut is crackers!

1548. He crashed in here and crassly tried to kill us.

1549. - Oh, Roger, what alliteration. - Thank you, darling.

1550. Okay, youse two can go.

1551. - Thank you. - Thank you.

1552. Tried to kill him, eh?

1553. Officer O'Rourke, take this man in.

1554. Next stop, Sing Sing.

1555. Sing Sing? You'll never take me alive!

1556. - What happened? - I broke my other leg.

1557. All right, who are you, and why was he trying to shoot you?

1558. I haven't the slightest idea, Sergeant O'Toole.

1559. The name is O'Bialystock.

1560. I was just passing by on me way to the Pat O'Brien Film Festival...

1561. and I ducked in to see what the hell was going on.

1562. And now I'll be on me way, before me voice gets any higher.

1563. As we say in the old country, "Taxi!"

1564. Hold it!

1565. Hey, sarge, look at this.

1566. - What? - I found these two accounting books.

1567. - This one says, "Show to the IRS." - And what's the other one say?

1568. " Never show to the IRS."

1569. I think the three of you better come downtown with me.

1570. - Three? - Yeah, you and them two books.

1571. Mr. Bialystock?

1572. Mr. Bloom?

1573. Where are you?

1574. Everyone is waiting for you at the opening-night party.

1575. Ulla, help me.

1576. What happened to you?

1577. I know.

1578. You hung up your coat while you were still in it.

1579. Thank you for helping me down.

1580. What were you doing up there?

1581. Hiding.

1582. I was hiding.

1583. From who? From what?

1584. From the police.

1585. They were just here. They've arrested Max.

1586. - They found the books? - I don't know what to do.

1587. Poor Max.

1588. Maybe I should turn myself in and go to jail with him.

1589. Well, my sweet cupcake, I know we both love Max...

1590. but it seems to me you have two choices.

1591. Number one, you can go to jail with Mr. Bialystock...

1592. for years and years and years.

1593. Or number two...

1594. you can take that 2 million dollars and Ulla, and go to Rio.

1595. Oh, my God, what a dilemma.

1596. Oh, what should I do?

1597. Should I go to jail or go to Rio?

1598. Mail call.

1599. Hey, fatso.

1600. I'm not that fat!

1601. Says you.

1602. You got a postcard.

1603. A postcard? From where?

1604. Brazil.

1605. Brazil.

1606. Who do I know in Brazil?

1607. Why am I asking you?

1608. " Dear Max, Rio is everything you said it was and more."

1609. Ulla and I think of you every chance we get.

1610. In the morning, when we have breakfast on our terrace...

1611. many different herrings.

1612. In the afternoon, when we rub each other's sun-drenched bodies...

1613. with banana-cream coconut oil, number 15.

1614. "And then, in the evening, when we samba together in the moonlight. "

1615. You'll find your happiness in Rio

1616. The beaches there Are strewn with pearls

1617. The tropic breezes Always blow there

1618. And so, we hear Do the girls

1619. "Sorry, must run. Ulla's waiting."

1620. It's almost 11.

1621. Wish you were here.

1622. "Your pal, Leo. "

1623. Just like Cain and Abel

1624. You pulled a sneak attack

1625. I thought that we were brothers

1626. Then you stabbed me in the back

1627. Betrayed

1628. Oh, boy, I'm so betrayed

1629. Like Samson and Delilah Your love began to fade

1630. I'm crying in the hoosegow You're in Rio getting laid

1631. Betrayed

1632. Let's face it, I'm betrayed

1633. Boy, have I been taken

1634. Oy, I'm so forsaken

1635. I should have seen What came to pass

1636. I should have known To watch my ass

1637. I feel like Othello Everything is lost

1638. Leo is lago

1639. Max is double-crossed

1640. I'm so dismayed

1641. Did I mention I'm betrayed?

1642. Now I'm about to go to jail There's no one who will pay my bail

1643. I have no one who I can cry to No one I can say goodbye to

1644. I'm drowning!

1645. I'm drowning!

1646. I'm drowning here!

1647. I'm going down for the last time.

1648. I can see my whole life flashing before my eyes.

1649. I see a weathered old farmhouse with a white picket fence.

1650. I'm running through fields of alfalfa with my collie, Rex.

1651. No, Rex, not on the alfalfa.

1652. And I see my mother.

1653. I see Mama standing on the back porch...

1654. in a worn but clean gingham gown.

1655. And I hear my mama calling out to me.

1656. Alvin!

1657. Don't forget your chores.

1658. The wood needs a-cording and the cows need a-milking.

1659. Alvin! Alvin!

1660. Wait a minute.

1661. My name's not Alvin.

1662. That's not my life.

1663. Somebody else's life is flashing before my eyes.

1664. What the hell is that about?

1665. I'm not a hillbilly. I grew up in the Bronx.

1666. Leo's taken everything, even my past.

1667. My past's a dying ember

1668. But wait, now I remember

1669. How did it begin? He walk ed into my office

1670. With his cockamamie scheme

1671. You can make more money With a flop than with a hit

1672. We can do it We can do it

1673. I can't do it We can do it

1674. I can't do it Goodbye, Max

1675. Lord, I want that money I'm back, Max

1676. Come on, Leo, we can do it

1677. Step one, find the play

1678. See it, smell it, touch it, kiss it Hello, Mr. Liebkind

1679. Guten Tag hop hop Guten Tag clop clop

1680. Adolf Elizabeth Hitler?

1681. Guten Tag hop hop Guten Tag clop clop

1682. Step two, hire the director Keep it gay, keep it gay, keep it...

1683. Two, three, kick, Turn, turn, turn, kick, turn

1684. Ulla

1685. Step three, raise the money

1686. Along came Bialy

1687. Step four, hire all the actors

1688. A wandering minstrel I A thing of shreds and...

1689. Next The little wooden boy

1690. Next That's our Hitler

1691. Break a leg I broke my leg

1692. Springtime for Hitler and Germany

1693. A surprise smash Springtime for Hitler and Germany

1694. It'll run for years! Where did we go right?

1695. Where did we go right?

1696. Give me those books Fat, fat, fatty

1697. Give me those books Fat, fat, fatty

1698. Books, fat, books, fat Books, fat, books, fat

1699. Lousy fruit Kill the actors

1700. You ever eat with one?

1701. Then you ran to Rio And you're safely out of reach

1702. I'm behind these bars

1703. You're banging Ulla on the beach

1704. Just like Julius Caesar

1705. Was betrayed by Brutus

1706. Who'd think an accountant Would turn out to be my Judas

1707. I'm so dismayed

1708. Is this how I'm repaid?

1709. To be

1710. Betrayed

1711. Betrayed

1712. Gentlemen of the jury, have you reached your verdict?

1713. Yes, Your Honour, we have.

1714. We find the defendant...

1715. incredibly guilty.

1716. Hold me, touch me.

1717. I'm a little busy.

1718. Does the defendant have anything to say on his own behalf?

1719. Yes, Your Honour, I do.

1720. I admit, for the last 20 years I've been a lying, double-crossing...

1721. two-faced, backstabbing, despicable crook.

1722. But I had no choice.

1723. I was a Broadway producer.

1724. A man without a conscience...

1725. and with no one who gave a damn about him.

1726. And that, Your Honour, is what hurts the most.

1727. I thought I'd at last found a loyal partner.

1728. A man I cared about...

1729. and who I thought cared about me.

1730. What breaks my heart is now...

1731. when I need him most, he's deserted me.

1732. I will probably never see or hear from him ever again.

1733. That's not true!

1734. Order! Order in the court!

1735. And stop that samba!

1736. - Who are you? - I am Leopold Bloom...

1737. Max Bialystock's partner.

1738. And who are you, my dear?

1739. My name is Ulla Inga Hansen Benson...

1740. Yonsen Tallen-Hallen Svaden Svanson Bloom.

1741. Bloom?

1742. - You're his wife? - Ja, Your Honour.

1743. He wouldn't do it unless we got married.

1744. What a schmuck.

1745. Now, Mr. Bloom, why in the world would you...

1746. want to come back here and give yourself up?

1747. Why? To speak on his behalf.

1748. We all know that Max Bialystock is a lying, double-crossing...

1749. two-faced, slimy, manipulative, underhanded...

1750. Please...

1751. don't help me.

1752. Your Honour... Your honour, if I may address the court.

1753. The law was created to protect people from being wronged.

1754. So whom has Max Bialystock wronged?

1755. - Well, not these dear ladies. - No.

1756. And not me, not...

1757. Not me.

1758. I was this nobody.

1759. No one ever called me "Leo" before.

1760. I mean, Your Honour, I know it isn't a big legal point...

1761. but even when I was in kindergarten everybody always called me "Bloom."

1762. I guess what I'm trying to say is that even when I was in Rio...

1763. and had everything I'd ever dreamed of...

1764. I suddenly realized that...

1765. That this man...

1766. This man...

1767. No one ever made me Feel like someone

1768. Till him

1769. Life was really nothing But a glum one

1770. Till him

1771. My existence bordered on the tragic

1772. Always timid Never took a chance

1773. Then I felt his magic

1774. And my heart began to dance

1775. I was always frightened Fraught with worry

1776. Till him

1777. I was going nowhere in a hurry

1778. Till him

1779. He filled up my empty life

1780. Filled it to the brim

1781. There could never Ever be another one

1782. Like him

1783. Leo...

1784. Leo...

1785. I never realized.

1786. - You're a good singer. - Thank you.

1787. - No, really, like a professional. - Well, I sang it for you, Max.

1788. I sang it because I'm your friend.

1789. You are?

1790. I've had a lot of relationships...

1791. but you couldn't call any of them "friend."

1792. But come to think of it...

1793. no one ever, ever really knew me.

1794. Till him

1795. Everyone was always out To screw me

1796. Till him

1797. Never met a man I ever trusted

1798. Always dealt with shysters In the past

1799. Now I'm well-adjusted

1800. 'Cause I've got a friend at last

1801. Don't help me.

1802. Always playing singles Never doubles

1803. Till him

1804. Never had a pal To share my troubles

1805. Till him

1806. He filled up my empty life

1807. - Filled it to the brim - Filled it to the brim

1808. There could never ever be

1809. Another one

1810. Like him

1811. Gentlemen, it breaks my heart...

1812. to break up such a beautiful friendship.

1813. So I won't.

1814. Five years in the state penitentiary at Sing Sing.

1815. Gotta sing, sing

1816. Gotta sing, sing

1817. Oh, you can lock us up

1818. Und lose the key

1819. But hearts in love

1820. Are always free

1821. Come on, boys.

1822. Prisoners of love

1823. Blue skies above

1824. 'Cause we're still prisoners of love

1825. Congratulations.

1826. You now own 45 percent...

1827. of Prisoners of Love. Next!

1828. - How much have you sold so far? - Six hundred percent.

1829. Is that all? Keep selling. Keep selling.

1830. All right, break it up! Break it up! Quiet! Give me that.

1831. How many times do I have to tell you guys?

1832. No knife fights in rehearsal.

1833. Hi. What are you in for, lack of rhythm?

1834. Get in line. Everybody get in line, right away!

1835. All right, you animals, let's take it all together!

1836. From the top! Hit it, Franz!

1837. Prisoners of love

1838. Blue skies above

1839. - Can't keep our hearts in jail - Tempo, fellas! Pick up that tempo!

1840. - Prisoners of love - That's it.

1841. - Our turtledoves - Okay, just the murderers!

1842. Hey, you.

1843. The warden wants to get in on this thing.

1844. Tell the warden he now owns 100 percent of Prisoners of Love.

1845. - Thank you. - Sing out, criminals.

1846. Let them hear you in solitary.

1847. Take it home, boys.

1848. We open in Leavenworth on Saturday night!

1849. Hey, Bialystock, Bloom, Liebkind, good news!

1850. This just came from the governor.

1851. "Gentlemen, you are hereby granted a full pardon..."

1852. for having, through song and dance, brought joy and laughter...

1853. "... into the hearts of every murderer, rapist and sex maniac in Sing Sing."

1854. - You're free! - Free?

1855. Next stop, Prisoners of Love on Broadway!

1856. - Broadway! - Adolf, you must tell the other birds.

1857. But hearts in love Are always free

1858. Gotta sing, sing

1859. Sing, sing

1860. Prisoners of love Blue skies above

1861. - Can't keep our hearts in jail - Can't keep our hearts in jail

1862. Prisoners of love

1863. - Our turtledoves - Soon coming 'round with bail

1864. - Tote that bale - Oh, you can lock us up

1865. And lose the key

1866. But hearts in love Are always free

1867. Prisoners of love

1868. Blue skies above

1869. 'Cause we're still prisoners

1870. We're still prisoners

1871. We're still prisoners of love

1872. - Love, love, love - Love, love, love, love

1873. Love, love, love, love

1874. Love

1875. Leo and Max

1876. Up off our backs

1877. Back on the Great White Way

1878. Leo and Max

1879. Back on our tracks

1880. We're back on top to stay

1881. So when we take your money Never fear

1882. We'll knock Broadway Right on its ear

1883. The cast is great The script is swell

1884. But this we're telling you, sirs

1885. It's just no go You've got no show

1886. Without the producers

1887. We'll never quit

1888. Hit after hit

1889. The producers Leo and Max

1890. The overture is over

1891. The curtain starts to rise

1892. You're suddenly in clover

1893. You can't believe your eyes

1894. You're sitting on the aisle

1895. You break into a smile

1896. Why this magic feeling?

1897. And then you realize

1898. That there is

1899. Nothing like a show on Broadway

1900. Nothing like a Broadway show

1901. Hearts will skip a beat on Broadway

1902. If you're feeling blue I'm telling you

1903. That's the place to go

1904. Movies drag Their endings sag

1905. TV's just a bore

1906. So hit the street And move your feet

1907. To the place we all adore

1908. Because there's nothing Like a show on Broadway

1909. There's nothing Like a Broadway show

1910. It's often been said The theatre is dead

1911. The critics repeat it en masse

1912. But the theatre's alive It's gonna survive

1913. Although it's a pain in the ass

1914. You waited forever And finally got tickets

1915. To get to your seat You gotta cross pickets

1916. The guy to your right Is frightfully tight

1917. The guy to your left Appears to have rickets

1918. The music's yuck The lyrics suck

1919. The casting is all wrong

1920. And when you reach the bathroom

1921. The line is five miles long

1922. But still there's nothing Like a show on Broadway

1923. There's nothing Like a Broadway show

1924. You swear you'll never go again

1925. It's simply not worthwhile

1926. You make that vow And then somehow

1927. - You're back there on the aisle - You're back there on the aisle

1928. That's why there's

1929. Nothing like a show On Broadway

1930. There's nothing Like a Broadway show

1931. Till you're in movies

1932. There's nothing Like a Broadway show

1933. And though it is expensive At a hundred bucks a throw

1934. There's nothing

1935. Like a Broadway show!

1936. Don't forget to buy Mein Kampf...

1937. in paperback.

1938. Available near you...

1939. at Borders books...

1940. or Barnes & Noble...

1941. und amazon. Com.

1942. Thanks for coming To see our show

1943. Sad to tell you We got to go

1944. Grab your hat And head for the door

1945. In case you didn't notice

1946. There ain't any more

1947. If you like our show Tell everyone but

1948. If you think it stinks Keep your big mouth shut

1949. We're glad you came but We have to shout

1950. - Adíos - Au revoir

1951. - Wiedersehen - Ta-ta-ta

1952. - Goodbye - Get lost

1953. Get out

1954. It's over.