1. Come here.Copy !req
2. - Ta-ta.
- Ta-ta.Copy !req
3. Don't forget the checkie.
Can't produce plays without checkie.Copy !req
4. You can count on me, you dirty young man.Copy !req
5. Good-bye.Copy !req
6. Bye-bye. Good-bye. Bye.Copy !req
7. Bye-bye. Old buzzard.Copy !req
8. Hold me. Touch me.Copy !req
9. Hold me. Touch me.Copy !req
10. Hold me. Touch me.Copy !req
11. Darling.Copy !req
12. Hold me. Touch me.Copy !req
13. Not in the hall.Copy !req
14. I know she's in here.
I wonder where she's hiding.Copy !req
15. Where are you?Copy !req
16. Where are you, devil woman?Copy !req
17. "Finders keepers"Copy !req
18. Here I come, ready or not.Copy !req
19. There you are, you little flirt.Copy !req
20. What's the matter?Copy !req
21. Papa no want to play with baby?Copy !req
22. - I think Papa's neck is broken.
- What a sissy.Copy !req
23. Meow.Copy !req
24. Meow.Copy !req
25. I wonder where old Tom is tonight?Copy !req
26. Oy.Copy !req
27. Bialy. Bialy, darling, did I hurt you?Copy !req
28. - It's only a flesh wound, lamb chop.
- Don't worry, darling.Copy !req
29. I'll kiss it and make it well.Copy !req
30. Mr. Bialystock.Copy !req
31. Mr. Bialystock? How do you do?Copy !req
32. My God. I mean...Copy !req
33. excuse me.Copy !req
34. You mean, "oops," don't you?
Just say, "oops," and get out!Copy !req
35. Not...Copy !req
36. - "Oops!"
- Oops.Copy !req
37. I can't abide a peeping Tom.Copy !req
38. One in the apartment
just opposite my bedroom window.Copy !req
39. I swear, that man never takes his...Copy !req
40. field glasses off me, not for a minute.Copy !req
41. - Feeling better?
- Yes.Copy !req
42. Good.Copy !req
43. Let's fool around.Copy !req
44. Now I'll be the innocent little milkmaid...Copy !req
45. and you be the naughty stable boy.Copy !req
46. This milk is so heavy.Copy !req
47. I'll never reach the house.Copy !req
48. Help me. Will someone help me?Copy !req
49. Wait!Copy !req
50. We can't play today.
I have too many appointments.Copy !req
51. We can't play today?Copy !req
52. Thursday! We'll play on Thursday.Copy !req
53. We'll play "The Contessa and The Chauffeur."Copy !req
54. - The best one!
- Until Thursday then, Contessa mia.Copy !req
55. Contessa mia.Copy !req
56. No, darling, please, just a little.Copy !req
57. Money. I need money.Copy !req
58. All right.Copy !req
59. The Contessa and the Chauffeur.Copy !req
60. So the Count hired you this morning, Rudolfo?Copy !req
61. Watch the road.Copy !req
62. I can't take my eyes off you.
How can I drive when you drive me mad?Copy !req
63. - Mad!
- Rudolfo, you dirty pig.Copy !req
64. Pull over.Copy !req
65. That's enough. Good.Copy !req
66. We'll do the rest on Thursday.Copy !req
67. Now, that's a good girl. I'll get you your purse...Copy !req
68. and your gloves.Copy !req
69. Thursday.Copy !req
70. Thursday.Copy !req
71. Until Thursday, then, you bawdy wench.Copy !req
72. - Hold me. Touch me.
- Thursday.Copy !req
73. And then we'll finish playing
the Contessa and Rudolfo?Copy !req
74. First thing on Thursday.Copy !req
75. And after that...Copy !req
76. we'll play "The Abduction
and the Cruel Rape of Lucretia"...Copy !req
77. and I'll be Lucretia.Copy !req
78. And I'll be Rape. On Thursday. That's wonderful.Copy !req
79. Lucretia, you forgot the checkie.
Can't produce plays without checkie.Copy !req
80. I had it with me all the time.Copy !req
81. Is it okay? I made it out to "cash."
You didn't say the play's name.Copy !req
82. Fine. Good. Thursday.Copy !req
83. Good-bye, my powder pigeon. Bye-bye.Copy !req
84. - Ta-ta.
- Ta-ta.Copy !req
85. Good-bye.Copy !req
86. He who signs the lease, must pay rent.Copy !req
87. That's the law.Copy !req
88. Why, you're a thief.Copy !req
89. How can you take the last penny
out of a poor man's pocket?Copy !req
90. I have to.Copy !req
91. I'm a landlord.Copy !req
92. Lord, hear my plea. Destroy him.Copy !req
93. - He maketh a blight on the land.
- Don't listen to him. He's crazy.Copy !req
94. That hurt. I must make another call.Copy !req
95. Oops?Copy !req
96. Who are you? What do you want?
Why are you loitering in my hallway?Copy !req
97. Speak, dummy! Speak!Copy !req
98. - Why don't you speak?
- Scared. Can't talk.Copy !req
99. All right.Copy !req
100. Get a hold of yourself.Copy !req
101. Take a deep breath.Copy !req
102. Let it out slowly...Copy !req
103. And tell me, who are you?Copy !req
104. I'm Leo Bloom. I am an accountant.
I'm from Whitehall and Marx.Copy !req
105. I was sent here to do your books,
and I'm terribly sorry...Copy !req
106. I caught you with the old lady.Copy !req
107. "Caught you with the old lady"?Copy !req
108. Come in, Mr. Tact.Copy !req
109. - So, you're an accountant?
- Yes, I am.Copy !req
110. Then account for yourself!Copy !req
111. Do you believe in God? Or gold?Copy !req
112. Why are you looking up old ladies' dresses?Copy !req
113. Bit of a pervert, eh?Copy !req
114. Never mind. Do the books.Copy !req
115. They're over there in that desk. Top drawer.Copy !req
116. I'll take your coat.Copy !req
117. - Thank you.
- You're welcome.Copy !req
118. How dare you condemn me
without knowing all the facts!Copy !req
119. Mr. Bialystock—Copy !req
120. Shut up! I'm having a rhetorical conversation!Copy !req
121. How humiliating.Copy !req
122. Max Bialystock.Copy !req
123. You know who I used to be?Copy !req
124. Max Bialystock, King of Broadway!
Six shows running at once!Copy !req
125. Lunch at Delmonico's.Copy !req
126. $200 suits.Copy !req
127. You see this?Copy !req
128. This once held a pearl as big as your eye!
Look at me now. Look at me now!Copy !req
129. I'm wearing a cardboard belt.Copy !req
130. I used to have thousands of investors begging...Copy !req
131. pleading to put their money
in a Max Bialystock production.Copy !req
132. Look at my investors now.Copy !req
133. Voilà.Copy !req
134. Hundreds of little old ladies
stopping off at Max Bialystock's office...Copy !req
135. to grab a last thrill on the way to the cemetery.Copy !req
136. You have exactly 10 seconds
to change that look of disgusting pity...Copy !req
137. into one of enormous respect.Copy !req
138. One, two...Copy !req
139. Do the books.Copy !req
140. I appreciate that, sir.Copy !req
141. Window's so filthy,
can't tell whether it's day or night out there.Copy !req
142. That's it, baby! When you got it, flaunt it!Copy !req
143. Flaunt it!Copy !req
144. Cough.Copy !req
145. Cough!Copy !req
146. I assume you're making those cartoon noises
to attract my attention.Copy !req
147. Am I correct in my assumption,
you fish-faced enemy of the people?Copy !req
148. I hurt your feelings.Copy !req
149. - Good! What is it?
- May I speak to you for a minute?Copy !req
150. Go. You have 58 seconds.Copy !req
151. - In glancing at your books, I noticed that—
- You have 48 seconds left. Hurry.Copy !req
152. - I glanced at your books, I noticed—
- 28 seconds. You're running out of time.Copy !req
153. - Tick tock, tick tock...
- Mr. Bialystock...Copy !req
154. I cannot function under these conditions!Copy !req
155. You're making me extremely nervous!Copy !req
156. - What is that, a handkerchief?
- What? Nothing. That's nothing.Copy !req
157. If it's nothing, why can't I see it?Copy !req
158. My blanket! My blue blanket!
Give me my blue blanket!Copy !req
159. You... No! You...Copy !req
160. Here.Copy !req
161. Don't panic.Copy !req
162. I'm sorry.Copy !req
163. I don't like people touching my blue blanket.Copy !req
164. It's not important. It's a minor compulsion.
I can deal with it if I want to.Copy !req
165. It's just that I've had it ever since I was a baby...Copy !req
166. and I find it very comforting.Copy !req
167. They come here. They all come here.Copy !req
168. - How do they find me?
- May I speak to you?Copy !req
169. Yes, Prince Mishkin.Copy !req
170. - What can we do for you?
- This is hardly a time for levity.Copy !req
171. I've discovered a serious error...Copy !req
172. - ... in the accounts of your last play.
- Where? What?Copy !req
173. According to the backers list, you raised $60,000.Copy !req
174. But the play that you produced only cost $58,000.Copy !req
175. That's $2,000 unaccounted for.Copy !req
176. I went to a Turkish bath.
Who cares? The play was a flop!Copy !req
177. - What difference does it make?
- What difference does it make?Copy !req
178. That's fraud!
If they found out, you could go to prison.Copy !req
179. Who's gonna find out? It's only $2,000.
Bloom, do me a favor.Copy !req
180. Move a few decimal points around.
You're an accountant.Copy !req
181. You're in a noble profession.
The word "count" is part of your title.Copy !req
182. That's cheating.Copy !req
183. It's not cheating. It's charity.Copy !req
184. Bloom, look at me.Copy !req
185. Look at me!Copy !req
186. I'm drowning.Copy !req
187. Other men sail through life.
Bialystock has struck a reef.Copy !req
188. I'm going under.Copy !req
189. I'm being sunk
by a society that demands success...Copy !req
190. when all I can offer is failure.Copy !req
191. Bloom, I'm reaching out to you.Copy !req
192. Don't send me to prison.Copy !req
193. Help!Copy !req
194. Help me, Bloom. Bloom, help me.Copy !req
195. I'll do it!Copy !req
196. - Thank you. I knew I could con you.
- That's all right. What?Copy !req
197. Nothing. Do it.Copy !req
198. Right. Let's see. $2,000.Copy !req
199. $2,000.Copy !req
200. That isn't much.
I'm sure I can hide it somewhere.Copy !req
201. After all, the Internal Revenue Service
isn't interested in a flop.Copy !req
202. Yes, right. Good thinking. You figure it out.Copy !req
203. I'm tired. I'm gonna take a little nap.
Wake me if there's a fire.Copy !req
204. Let's see if we add these we get, 10...Copy !req
205. four...Copy !req
206. Amazing.Copy !req
207. It's absolutely amazing.Copy !req
208. Under the right circumstances...Copy !req
209. a producer could make
more money with a flop...Copy !req
210. than he could with a hit.Copy !req
211. Yes, it's quite possible.Copy !req
212. If he were certain that the show would fail,
a man could make a fortune!Copy !req
213. Yes?Copy !req
214. - Yes what?
- What you were saying? Keep talking.Copy !req
215. What was I saying?Copy !req
216. That under the right circumstances...Copy !req
217. a producer could make
more money with a flop...Copy !req
218. than he could with a hit.Copy !req
219. Yes, it's quite possible.Copy !req
220. You keep saying that, but you don't tell me how.Copy !req
221. How can a producer
make more money with a flop...Copy !req
222. than he could with a hit?Copy !req
223. It's simply a matter of creative accounting.Copy !req
224. Let's assume, just for the moment,
that you are a dishonest man.Copy !req
225. - Assume away.
- It's very easy.Copy !req
226. You simply raise
more money than you really need.Copy !req
227. What do you mean?Copy !req
228. You did it yourself,
only you did it on a very small scale.Copy !req
229. What'd I do?Copy !req
230. You raised $2,000 more than you needed
to produce your last play.Copy !req
231. So? What did it get me?
I'm wearing a cardboard belt!Copy !req
232. That's where you made your mistake.
You didn't go all the way.Copy !req
233. You see, if you were really a bold criminal,
you could have raised $1 million.Copy !req
234. But the play only cost me $60,000 to produce.Copy !req
235. And how long did it run?Copy !req
236. - One night.
- You see?Copy !req
237. Do you see what I'm trying to say?Copy !req
238. You could have raised $1 million,
put on a $60,000 flop...Copy !req
239. and kept the rest.Copy !req
240. - But what if the play was a hit?
- Then you'd go to jail.Copy !req
241. Once the play's a hit,
you have to pay the backers...Copy !req
242. and with so many, there could never be
enough profits to go around. Get it?Copy !req
243. So in order for this scheme to work...Copy !req
244. we'd have to find a sure-fire flop.Copy !req
245. - What scheme?
- "What scheme?"Copy !req
246. Your scheme, you bloody little genius!Copy !req
247. I meant no scheme.Copy !req
248. I merely posed a little
academic accounting theory.Copy !req
249. It was just a thought.Copy !req
250. Worlds are turned on such thoughts.Copy !req
251. Don't you see, Bloom?
Darling Bloom. Glorious Bloom.Copy !req
252. It's so simple.Copy !req
253. Step one, we find the worst play in the world.Copy !req
254. A sure-fire flop.Copy !req
255. Step two, I raise $1 million.
There's a lot of old ladies in the world.Copy !req
256. Step three, you work on the books...Copy !req
257. phony list of backers for the government.Copy !req
258. You can do it, Bloom. You're a wizard.
Step four, we open on Broadway.Copy !req
259. And before you can say "step five,"
we close on Broadway.Copy !req
260. Step six, we take our $1 million,
we fly to Rio de Janeiro!Copy !req
261. "RioCopy !req
262. - "Rio by the sea-o"
- Mr. Bialystock, wait a minute.Copy !req
263. You're holding me too tight.Copy !req
264. I'm an honest man. You don't understand.Copy !req
265. No, you don't understand!
This is fate! This is destiny!Copy !req
266. This is kismet! There's no avoiding it.Copy !req
267. Not more than five minutes ago,
I doctored your books!Copy !req
268. That, sir, is the ultimate extent of my criminal life!Copy !req
269. I want that money!Copy !req
270. I fell on my keys.Copy !req
271. You miserable, cowardly,
wretched, little caterpillar.Copy !req
272. Don't you ever want to become a butterfly?Copy !req
273. Don't you want to spread your wings
and flap your way to glory?Copy !req
274. You're gonna jump on me.Copy !req
275. You're gonna jump on me!
I know you're gonna jump on me!Copy !req
276. - Like Nero jumped on Poppaea.
- Who?Copy !req
277. Poppaea! She was his wife.
She was unfaithful to him...Copy !req
278. so he got mad and jumped on her
up and down, up and down...Copy !req
279. until he squashed her like a bug!Copy !req
280. - Please don't jump on me!
- I'm not gonna jump on you!Copy !req
281. I'm not gonna jump on you!Copy !req
282. - Will you get a hold of yourself?
- Don't touch me!Copy !req
283. I'm not gonna hurt you.
What's the matter with you?Copy !req
284. I'm hysterical!
I'm having hysterics. I'm hysterical.Copy !req
285. I can't stop when I get like this.
I can't stop. I'm hysterical.Copy !req
286. I'm wet!Copy !req
287. I'm wet!Copy !req
288. I'm hysterical, and I'm wet!Copy !req
289. I'm in pain!Copy !req
290. And I'm wet!Copy !req
291. And I'm still hysterical!
No, don't hit. It doesn't help.Copy !req
292. - It only increases my sense of danger.
- What can I do?Copy !req
293. - You're getting me hysterical.
- Go away. You frighten me.Copy !req
294. - Where shall I go?
- Sit over there.Copy !req
295. Okay.Copy !req
296. Okay.Copy !req
297. I'm over here. This better?Copy !req
298. That's better. But you still look angry.Copy !req
299. How's this?Copy !req
300. Good.Copy !req
301. That's good.Copy !req
302. That's very nice.Copy !req
303. I think I'm coming out of it now.Copy !req
304. Yes.Copy !req
305. I'm definitely coming out of it.Copy !req
306. Thank you for smiling. That helped a great deal.Copy !req
307. You know what they say:Copy !req
308. "Smile and the world smiles with you."Copy !req
309. This man should be in a straitjacket.Copy !req
310. Feeling better?Copy !req
311. Much, thank you, but I am a little lightheaded.Copy !req
312. Maybe I should eat something.Copy !req
313. Hysterical attacks have a way...Copy !req
314. of severely depleting
one's blood sugar, you know.Copy !req
315. They certainly do.Copy !req
316. Come. Let me take you to lunch.Copy !req
317. You know, it's very nice
of you to take me to lunch, Mr. Bialystock.Copy !req
318. Call me Max. You know I don't
let everybody call me Max.Copy !req
319. - It's only those people I like.
- Okay, Max.Copy !req
320. - And you can call me Leo.
- I already have.Copy !req
321. Where shall we go for lunch?Copy !req
322. Max, I don't know, Max. What do you think, Max?Copy !req
323. Leo, it's such a beautiful day...Copy !req
324. why go to a dark, stuffy restaurant?Copy !req
325. Let's dine al fresco.Copy !req
326. - This is al fresco?
- The finest. Thank you.Copy !req
327. Excellent
Please tender our compliments to the chef.Copy !req
328. - Please tender half a buck.
- Of course. Here you are, my good man.Copy !req
329. I'm not your good man.
I happen to own this establishment.Copy !req
330. Give me the change.Copy !req
331. Everybody's a big shot.Copy !req
332. Leo, what say we promenade through the park?Copy !req
333. I'd love to, but it's nearly 2:00.Copy !req
334. I should get back to Whitehall and Marx.Copy !req
335. Nonsense.
As far as Whitehall and Marx is concerned...Copy !req
336. you're working with Max Bialystock, right?Copy !req
337. - Right.
- Then stick with Bialystock.Copy !req
338. Lovely out here, isn't it?Copy !req
339. I wish I could enjoy it. I'm so nervous.Copy !req
340. What if someone from the office should see me?Copy !req
341. Then you'd see them,
and why aren't they at the office?Copy !req
342. That's right.Copy !req
343. That's it, Leo. You're learning.Copy !req
344. Having a good time?Copy !req
345. I don't know. I feel so strange.Copy !req
346. Maybe you're happy.Copy !req
347. That's it. I'm happy.Copy !req
348. What do you know about that?Copy !req
349. I'm happy!Copy !req
350. I'm happy!Copy !req
351. There it is, Bloom.
The most exciting city in the world.Copy !req
352. Thrills, adventure, romance.Copy !req
353. Everything you ever dreamed of is down there.Copy !req
354. Big black limousines. Gold cigarette cases.Copy !req
355. Elegant ladies with long legs.Copy !req
356. All you need is money.Copy !req
357. Money is honey.Copy !req
358. Money is honey.Copy !req
359. Leo, he who hesitates is poor.Copy !req
360. Don't let me influence you.Copy !req
361. - It's your decision.
- But if we get caught, we'll go to prison.Copy !req
362. You think you're not in prison now?
Living in a gray, little room?Copy !req
363. Going to a gray, little job?
Leading a gray, little life?Copy !req
364. That's right.Copy !req
365. I'm a nothing.Copy !req
366. I spend my life counting other people's money.Copy !req
367. People I'm smarter than.Copy !req
368. Better than.Copy !req
369. Where's my share?Copy !req
370. Where's Leo Bloom's share?Copy !req
371. I want...Copy !req
372. I want...Copy !req
373. I want everything I've ever seen in the movies!Copy !req
374. Leo, say you'll join me!Copy !req
375. I'll do it!Copy !req
376. My God, I'll do it!Copy !req
377. I'll do it!Copy !req
378. I'm Leo Bloom!Copy !req
379. I'm me!Copy !req
380. I can do whatever I want!Copy !req
381. It doesn't matter!Copy !req
382. I'm Leo Bloom!Copy !req
383. Max, let's call it a night. It's 2:00 in the morning.Copy !req
384. - I don't know what I'm reading anymore.
- Read.Copy !req
385. We've got to find the worst play ever written.Copy !req
386. "Gregor Samsa woke one morning...Copy !req
387. "... to discover that he had been transformed...Copy !req
388. "... into a giant cockroach."Copy !req
389. It's too good.Copy !req
390. Wait a minute.Copy !req
391. Wait a minute.Copy !req
392. I've read this play.Copy !req
393. I'm reading plays I read this morning.Copy !req
394. I can't go on.Copy !req
395. It's too much.Copy !req
396. Max, let's face it, we'll never find it.Copy !req
397. "We'll never find it."Copy !req
398. "We'll never find it"?Copy !req
399. "RioCopy !req
400. "Rio by the sea-oCopy !req
401. "Bialystock and LeoCopy !req
402. "Oh, me-o, Oh, my-o"Copy !req
403. Leo...Copy !req
404. Smell it.Copy !req
405. See it? Touch it.Copy !req
406. - What is it?
- "What is it?"Copy !req
407. We've struck gold.Copy !req
408. Not fool's gold, but real gold.Copy !req
409. The mother lode.Copy !req
410. The mother of them all.Copy !req
411. Kiss it, kiss it.Copy !req
412. You found a flop.Copy !req
413. "A flop." That's putting it mildly.Copy !req
414. We've found a disaster,
a catastrophe, an outrage!Copy !req
415. - A guaranteed-to-close-in-one-night beauty.
- Let's see it.Copy !req
416. This is freedom from want forever.
This is a house in the country.Copy !req
417. This is a Rolls Royce and a Bentley.Copy !req
418. This is wine, women, and song and women.Copy !req
419. “Springtime for Hitler.Copy !req
420. "A gay romp with Adolf and Eva
at Berchtesgaden."Copy !req
421. It's practically a love letter to Hitler.Copy !req
422. - This won't run a week.
- A week? Are you kidding?Copy !req
423. - This play has got to close on page four.
- Who wrote it?Copy !req
424. Who? Read, right there, read.Copy !req
425. - "Franz...
- Franz.Copy !req
426. - "... Liebkind.
- Liebkind.Copy !req
427. - "100...
- 100.Copy !req
428. - "... West...
- West.Copy !req
429. - "... Jane street."
- Jane street.Copy !req
430. Franz Liebkind.Copy !req
431. 100 West Jane Street.Copy !req
432. - Who do you want?
- I beg your pardon?Copy !req
433. Who do you want?Copy !req
434. No one gets in the building
unless I know who they want.Copy !req
435. I'm the concierge.Copy !req
436. My husband used to be the concierge,
but he's dead.Copy !req
437. Now I'm the concierge.Copy !req
438. We are seeking Franz Liebkind.Copy !req
439. The kraut.Copy !req
440. He's on the top floor, apartment 23.Copy !req
441. - Thank you.
- Thank you.Copy !req
442. But you won't find him there.Copy !req
443. He's up on the roof with his birds.Copy !req
444. He keeps birds.Copy !req
445. Dirty, disgusting, filthy...Copy !req
446. lice-ridden birds.Copy !req
447. You used to be able to sit out
on the stoop like a person.Copy !req
448. Not anymore. No, sir.Copy !req
449. Birds.Copy !req
450. - You get my drift?
- We get it.Copy !req
451. We get your drift. Thank you, madam.Copy !req
452. I'm not a madam! I'm a concierge!Copy !req
453. He's wearing a German helmet.Copy !req
454. Don't say anything to offend him.
We need that play.Copy !req
455. - Franz Liebkind?
- I was never a member of the Nazi party!Copy !req
456. I'm not responsible! I only followed orders!Copy !req
457. Who are you? Why do you persecute me?Copy !req
458. My papers are in order.
I love my adopted country.Copy !req
459. What do you want?Copy !req
460. Relax, Mr. Liebkind.
We're not from the government.Copy !req
461. - We came here to talk about your play.
- My play?Copy !req
462. - You mean Springtime for You-know-who?
- Yes.Copy !req
463. What about it?Copy !req
464. We love it. We think it's a masterpiece.
That's why we're here.Copy !req
465. We wish to produce it on Broadway.Copy !req
466. Broadway.Copy !req
467. Oh, joy of joys.Copy !req
468. Oh, dream of dreams.Copy !req
469. I can't believe it.Copy !req
470. I must tell the birds. Birds!Copy !req
471. Birds, do you hear?Copy !req
472. Otto! Berthe! Hans!Copy !req
473. Do you hear?
We are going to clear the Führer's name.Copy !req
474. Mr. Liebkind, please. People can hear.Copy !req
475. This is not a place to talk.
Come, we'll go to my flat.Copy !req
476. An occasion like this...Copy !req
477. calls for schnapps!Copy !req
478. You know, not many people knew it...Copy !req
479. but the Führer was a terrific dancer.Copy !req
480. Really? I never dreamed that—Copy !req
481. That is because that you were taken in...Copy !req
482. by that verdammte Allied propaganda!Copy !req
483. Such filthy lies! They told lies!Copy !req
484. But nobody ever said a bad word
about Winston Churchill, did they?Copy !req
485. No! "Win with Winnie!"Copy !req
486. Churchill!Copy !req
487. With his cigars. With his brandy.Copy !req
488. And his rotten painting, rotten!
Hitler, there was a painter.Copy !req
489. He could paint an entire apartment
in one afternoon! Two coats!Copy !req
490. Churchill. He couldn't even say "Nazi."Copy !req
491. He would say, "Noses. Noses."Copy !req
492. It wasn't Noses!Copy !req
493. It was Nazis!Copy !req
494. Churchill!Copy !req
495. - Exactly why—
- Let me tell you this!Copy !req
496. And you're hearing this straight from the horse!Copy !req
497. Hitler was better looking than Churchill.
He was a better dresser than Churchill.Copy !req
498. He had more hair! He told funnier jokes!Copy !req
499. And he could dance the pants off of Churchill!Copy !req
500. - Exactly why—
- Churchill!Copy !req
501. Yes. Churchill!Copy !req
502. That's exactly why we want to produce this play...Copy !req
503. to show the world the true Hitler,
the Hitler you loved...Copy !req
504. the Hitler you knew,
the Hitler with a song in his heart.Copy !req
505. Here, Franz Liebkind, sign here...Copy !req
506. and make your dream a reality.Copy !req
507. Here it is!Copy !req
508. Springtime for Hitler,
signed, sealed, and delivered.Copy !req
509. - What's the matter?
- I'm not wearing this armband.Copy !req
510. I don't care how big the deal is.Copy !req
511. Okay. Take it off.Copy !req
512. Taxi!Copy !req
513. The Blue Gypsy.Copy !req
514. Why are we going to the Blue Gypsy?Copy !req
515. We are not going to the Blue Gypsy.Copy !req
516. I am going to the Blue Gypsy.Copy !req
517. I have a rendezvous with a lady of some means.Copy !req
518. You see, my dear Bloom, phase one is complete.Copy !req
519. The play is ours.
We are now entering phase two...Copy !req
520. the raising of the money.Copy !req
521. In the days to come,
you will see very little of me...Copy !req
522. for Max Bialystock is launching himself
into little-old-lady land.Copy !req
523. Adieu. Avanti!Copy !req
524. You're incorrigible, Bialy.Copy !req
525. - Here's to the success of your new play.
- Our new play, my love.Copy !req
526. Bialy, I'm so sorry.Copy !req
527. - Did I wet you?
- Think nothing of it, my dear.Copy !req
528. A mere trifle.Copy !req
529. Did you bring the checkie?Copy !req
530. Yes, I have it right here in my purse.Copy !req
531. And I made it out just like you told me.
To "cash."Copy !req
532. That's a funny name for a play.Copy !req
533. Think nothing of it, my dear.Copy !req
534. - Thank you, my dear.
- Say it again, Bialy.Copy !req
535. And I swear to you on my life,
you don't look a day over 65.Copy !req
536. There you are.Copy !req
537. - I love you.
- What?Copy !req
538. I love you.Copy !req
539. What?Copy !req
540. I love you!Copy !req
541. Go, Bialy-baby, go!Copy !req
542. Who is it?Copy !req
543. It's Max Bialystock.Copy !req
544. Good. I thought it was a burglar.Copy !req
545. Wait. I'll let you in.Copy !req
546. Mrs. Sarah Cathcart.Copy !req
547. She owns 50 percent of the profits.Copy !req
548. Mrs. Virginia Resnick.Copy !req
549. She also owns 50 percent of the profits.Copy !req
550. Mrs. Eleanor Biddlecomb.Copy !req
551. She also owns 50 percent of the profits.Copy !req
552. Mrs. Alma Wentworth.Copy !req
553. She owns 100 percent of the profits.Copy !req
554. Leo, how much percentage of a play
can there be altogether?Copy !req
555. You can only sell 100 percent of anything.Copy !req
556. And how much
of Springtime for Hitler have we sold?Copy !req
557. 25,000 percent.Copy !req
558. 25,000 percent.Copy !req
559. Give me that blue thing.Copy !req
560. Where are you going?
We haven't finished signing the contracts.Copy !req
561. I have to see that money.Copy !req
562. Hello, boys.Copy !req
563. If you only knew what I went through for you.Copy !req
564. - What are you doing?
- I'm gonna buy myself a toy.Copy !req
565. I worked very, very hard,
and I think I deserve a toy.Copy !req
566. A toy?Copy !req
567. A toy.Copy !req
568. That's a toy?Copy !req
569. She happens to be our new receptionist.
She goes with our new surroundings.Copy !req
570. Ulla.Copy !req
571. Ulla.Copy !req
572. Ulla, I want you to meet
my associate and partner...Copy !req
573. Mr. Leo Bloom.Copy !req
574. I beg your pardon?Copy !req
575. Have you gone mad?
A receptionist that can't speak English?Copy !req
576. What will people say?Copy !req
577. They'll say...Copy !req
578. What is she going to do here?Copy !req
579. I'll show you.Copy !req
580. Ulla...Copy !req
581. go to work.Copy !req
582. Go to work.Copy !req
583. Ulla, okay. Okay, Ulla.Copy !req
584. Cream puff...Copy !req
585. sweetie pie, pussycat, okay.Copy !req
586. Ulla!Copy !req
587. Stop work!Copy !req
588. Would you believe it?
I met her at the public library.Copy !req
589. Ulla.Copy !req
590. Go to desk. Answer telephone...Copy !req
591. "Bialystock and Bloom."Copy !req
592. Nice girl.Copy !req
593. Bloom.Copy !req
594. - Take a cigar.
- Max, maybe we should both—Copy !req
595. - What's that?
- Nothing. Go on.Copy !req
596. Smart as a whip.Copy !req
597. No.Copy !req
598. No.Copy !req
599. You Swedish tease.Copy !req
600. You'll bury me.Copy !req
601. Leo, what were you saying?Copy !req
602. What? Max...Copy !req
603. Maybe we should
go a little easier on the spending.Copy !req
604. - I mean, these offices and all.
- Why? Take it when you can get it.Copy !req
605. Flaunt it, baby! Flaunt it!Copy !req
606. But if something should go wrong...Copy !req
607. we could give back some of the money.Copy !req
608. - I mean, it would look better in court.
- Stop talking like that, you white mouse.Copy !req
609. Nothing is gonna go wrong.Copy !req
610. As a matter of fact, today,
I have taken steps to make sure...Copy !req
611. that Springtime for Hitler
will be a total disaster.Copy !req
612. At 2:00, we have an appointment
with none other than Roger de Bris.Copy !req
613. Roger de Bris?Copy !req
614. What? Oh, the director. Is he good?Copy !req
615. - I mean, is he bad?
- He stinks.Copy !req
616. He's perhaps the worst director that ever lived.Copy !req
617. He's the only director whose plays close
on the first day of rehearsal.Copy !req
618. - Do you think he'll take the job?
- Only if we ask him.Copy !req
619. It's late. I'll get the car.Copy !req
620. Ja?Copy !req
621. Call chauffeur. Get car.Copy !req
622. Good. We go to motel?Copy !req
623. No. We go.Copy !req
624. You and Mr. Bloom go to motel?Copy !req
625. No. No motel.Copy !req
626. Get car.Copy !req
627. "Get car."Copy !req
628. "Get car."Copy !req
629. Thank you, Rudolfo.Copy !req
630. Now, don't let anything he says or does
upset you.Copy !req
631. - He's a little peculiar.
- What do you mean?Copy !req
632. Yes?Copy !req
633. I am Max Bialystock.
This is my associate, Mr. Bloom.Copy !req
634. We have an appointment with Mr. de Bris.Copy !req
635. Yes, you are expected. Please do come in.Copy !req
636. How do you do?Copy !req
637. I am Carmen Giya,
Monsieur de Bris' private secretary.Copy !req
638. Would you please remove your shoes?Copy !req
639. White, white, white is the color of our carpet.Copy !req
640. Will you please follow me?Copy !req
641. Please.Copy !req
642. We're not alone!Copy !req
643. Please sit down.Copy !req
644. Roger?Copy !req
645. Messieurs Bialystock and Bloom, I presume?Copy !req
646. Forgive the pun.Copy !req
647. - What pun?
- Shut up. He thinks he's witty.Copy !req
648. Good to see you again, Roger.Copy !req
649. Did you get a chance to read
Springtime for Hitler?Copy !req
650. Remarkable. Remarkable.Copy !req
651. A stunning piece of work.Copy !req
652. Max, he's wearing a dress.Copy !req
653. No kidding.Copy !req
654. I, for one, think it is a very important play.Copy !req
655. Do you know,
I never realized that the Third Reich...Copy !req
656. meant Germany?Copy !req
657. I mean, it's drenched
with historical goodies like that.Copy !req
658. Oh, dear.Copy !req
659. You're staring at my dress.Copy !req
660. I should explain.Copy !req
661. I'm going to the choreographer's ball tonight.Copy !req
662. - There is a prize for the best costume.
- And we always win.Copy !req
663. I'm not so sure about tonight.Copy !req
664. I'm supposed to be
the Grand Duchess Anastasia...Copy !req
665. but I think I look more like Tugboat Annie.Copy !req
666. - What do you think?Copy !req
667. Now, be cruel.Copy !req
668. Be brutal. Be brutal!Copy !req
669. Because, heaven knows, they will.Copy !req
670. Well? What do you think, Mr. Bloom?Copy !req
671. - Where do you keep your wallet?
- It's gorgeous.Copy !req
672. You couldn't have picked a better color.
It brings out your eyes.Copy !req
673. Let's face it, Roger, that dress is you.Copy !req
674. - Do you really think it brings out my eyes?
- We can't tell a thing without your wig.Copy !req
675. As far as I'm concerned, you're only half-dressed.Copy !req
676. If you're so worried about the wig,
get it, 0 Wicked Witch of the West.Copy !req
677. Quick, light his cigarette.Copy !req
678. - He likes you.
- I don't want to—Copy !req
679. Didn't I meet you on a summer cruise?Copy !req
680. I've never been on a summer cruise.Copy !req
681. Quel dommage.Copy !req
682. I see we're getting acquainted.Copy !req
683. How would you like to
go back to teasing hair, big mouth?Copy !req
684. Temper, Roger.Copy !req
685. Roger, do you mind if we talk a little business?Copy !req
686. Please. That is what we are here for.Copy !req
687. I think this would be
a marvelous opportunity for you.Copy !req
688. Be careful. That hurt!Copy !req
689. Up to now, you've always
been associated with musicals.Copy !req
690. Yes. Dopey Showgirls with gooey gowns.Copy !req
691. "Two, three, kick, turn, turn, turn, kick, turn!"Copy !req
692. It's enough to make you puke.Copy !req
693. Roger.Copy !req
694. But now, at last, a chance to do straight drama.Copy !req
695. Roger de Bris presents history.Copy !req
696. Of course, I think we should add a little music...Copy !req
697. and that whole third act has got to go.Copy !req
698. They're losing the war. It's too depressing.Copy !req
699. We shall have to put something in there.Copy !req
700. - What?
- I see it! I see it!Copy !req
701. A line of beautiful girls
dressed as storm troopers...Copy !req
702. - ... black patent leather boots, S-M.
- Love it.Copy !req
703. All marching together!Copy !req
704. "Two, three, kick, turn, turn, turn, kick, turn..."Copy !req
705. It will work!Copy !req
706. That is genius! Genius!Copy !req
707. I speak for Mr. Bloom and myself...Copy !req
708. when I say you're the only man in the world...Copy !req
709. who can do justice to Springtime for Hitler.Copy !req
710. Wait a minute. This is a very big decision.Copy !req
711. It might affect the course of my entire life.Copy !req
712. I shall have to think about it.Copy !req
713. - I'll do it.
Congratulations and thank you.Copy !req
714. Get on the phone! Send out a casting call!Copy !req
715. Call every agent in town!
I want to see everybody, everybody!Copy !req
716. Heil!Copy !req
717. This is bedlam!Copy !req
718. We must have some order!Copy !req
719. Will the dancing Hitlers please wait in the wings?Copy !req
720. We are only seeing singing Hitlers.Copy !req
721. Arthur Picard.Copy !req
722. Hello, Arthur. Tell us something about yourself.Copy !req
723. I was the lead tenor
of the Albuquerque Opera Company...Copy !req
724. for the last two seasons.Copy !req
725. I just finished the road tour of Lilac Time,
and last season...Copy !req
726. I was up for the lead
in the Broadway production...Copy !req
727. of The Gypsy Lover.Copy !req
728. What happened?Copy !req
729. I didn't get it.Copy !req
730. Arthur, what are you going to sing for us?Copy !req
731. I would like to sing A Wandering Minstrel, I.Copy !req
732. Very well.Copy !req
733. Thank you!Copy !req
734. Next, please!Copy !req
735. Jason Green. Please.Copy !req
736. Jason, and what have you been up to lately?Copy !req
737. For the last 16 years,
I have been touring with the USO.Copy !req
738. - And what are you going to sing for us?
- Have You Ever Heard The German Band?Copy !req
739. No.Copy !req
740. That's the name of the song I am going to sing.Copy !req
741. You will play it!Copy !req
742. Thank you!Copy !req
743. The Little Wooden Boy.Copy !req
744. Thank you!Copy !req
745. Thank you!Copy !req
746. - Does that mean that I don't get-
- I'm sorry.Copy !req
747. You're sorry?Copy !req
748. Thank you!Copy !req
749. That's it.Copy !req
750. - Hey, man.
- I beg your pardon?Copy !req
751. Is this where they're auditioning
Boomerang, baby?Copy !req
752. I'm afraid you wandered into the wrong theater.Copy !req
753. Man, not again. Freak out.Copy !req
754. Wait! Wait!
This is Boomerang. This is Boomerang.Copy !req
755. - What are you saying?
- Let's hear him. What have we got to lose?Copy !req
756. All right.Copy !req
757. Young man...Copy !req
758. what is your name?Copy !req
759. Man. My name?Copy !req
760. Lorenzo! Lorenzo, baby.Copy !req
761. Lorenzo St. Dubois, but my friends call me LSD.Copy !req
762. - And what have you done, LSD?
- Man, about six months...Copy !req
763. but I'm on probation, and I'm cool, man.Copy !req
764. - I mean, what do you do best?
- Man, I can't do that here.Copy !req
765. That's why they put me away, baby.Copy !req
766. Sing, sing.Copy !req
767. Thank you. Thank you so very much.
We're gonna sing.Copy !req
768. If I may, I'd like to call on my group.
They kind of help me a little.Copy !req
769. Group! Come on, fellas.
I would like to, sing this song.Copy !req
770. It's about love...Copy !req
771. And hate.Copy !req
772. Psychedelically speaking,
I am talking about "the power."Copy !req
773. "Love powerCopy !req
774. "I'm talkin' 'boutCopy !req
775. "Love powerCopy !req
776. "The power of a sweet flowerCopy !req
777. "ls gonna rule the earthCopy !req
778. "And there'll be a great rebirthCopy !req
779. "Love is the flower that is mineCopy !req
780. "When I'm walkin' with my darlin'Copy !req
781. "And we're holdin' handsCopy !req
782. "And life is fineCopy !req
783. cause she understandsCopy !req
784. "Walkin' down the sunny streetCopy !req
785. "Givin' pretty flowersCopy !req
786. "To the people that we meetCopy !req
787. "And I give a flower to the big, fat copCopy !req
788. "He takes his club, and he beats me upCopy !req
789. "I give a flower to the garbage manCopy !req
790. "He stuffs my girl in the garbage canCopy !req
791. "And I give it to
the landlord when the rent comes 'roundCopy !req
792. "He throws it in a toiletCopy !req
793. "And he flush it downCopy !req
794. "It goes into the sewerCopy !req
795. "With the yuck runnin' through herCopy !req
796. "And it runs into the river that we drinkCopy !req
797. "World, you stinkCopy !req
798. "ManCopy !req
799. "It's later than you thinkCopy !req
800. "So you got just one more ChanceCopy !req
801. "Come on, baby, while I danceCopy !req
802. "Love, love powerCopy !req
803. "I'm talkin' 'boutCopy !req
804. "Love powerCopy !req
805. "The power of a little flowerCopy !req
806. "You don't think about those little flowersCopy !req
807. "No. All you think about is gunsCopy !req
808. "If everybody in the world todayCopy !req
809. "Had a flower instead of a gunCopy !req
810. "There would be no warsCopy !req
811. "There would be one big smell-inCopy !req
812. "Just a flower!"Copy !req
813. Man...Copy !req
814. my flower.Copy !req
815. What'd you do to my flower, man?Copy !req
816. You hurt it. Like everything else.Copy !req
817. Everything else. No flower.Copy !req
818. That's our Hitler!Copy !req
819. Your Highness.Copy !req
820. There's the Times' drama critic.Copy !req
821. Watch closely as Max Bialystock
puts the last nail into the coffin.Copy !req
822. Good evening.Copy !req
823. Good evening, sir.Copy !req
824. Always delighted to greet
the gentlemen of the press.Copy !req
825. Here you are, sir.Copy !req
826. Two on the aisle,
compliments of the management.Copy !req
827. Wait... Wait a moment.
There seems to be some mistake.Copy !req
828. There's a $100-bill wrapped around these tickets.Copy !req
829. That's no mistake.Copy !req
830. Enjoy the show.Copy !req
831. Mr. Bialystock,
just what do you think you're doing?Copy !req
832. I'm bribing you.Copy !req
833. Just play ball,
there's a lot more where that came from.Copy !req
834. Keep this buttoned.Copy !req
835. Straight! Up! Up! Always up!Copy !req
836. Gentlemen, it is magic time. Good luck.Copy !req
837. Good luck.Copy !req
838. Tonight, Broadway, tomorrow...Copy !req
839. So much for Nazi failure.Copy !req
840. He'll kill us.Copy !req
841. Max, come on, the overture's started.Copy !req
842. Max...Copy !req
843. This is it!Copy !req
844. Sorry. I'm a little nervous.Copy !req
845. Relax. In two hours, our worries will be over.Copy !req
846. "Germany was having troubleCopy !req
847. "What a sad, sad storyCopy !req
848. "Needed a new leaderCopy !req
849. "To restore its former gloryCopy !req
850. "Where, where was he?Copy !req
851. "Where could that man be?Copy !req
852. "We looked around and then we foundCopy !req
853. "The man for you and meCopy !req
854. "And now it's...Copy !req
855. "Springtime for HitlerCopy !req
856. "And GermanyCopy !req
857. "Deutschland is happy and gayCopy !req
858. "We're marching to a faster paceCopy !req
859. "Look out, here comesCopy !req
860. "The master raceCopy !req
861. "Springtime for HitlerCopy !req
862. "And GermanyCopy !req
863. "Winter for Poland and FranceCopy !req
864. "Springtime for HitlerCopy !req
865. "And GermanyCopy !req
866. "Come on, GermansCopy !req
867. "Go into your danceCopy !req
868. "I was born in DüsseldorfCopy !req
869. "And that is why they call me Rolf"Copy !req
870. "Don't be stupid, be a smartyCopy !req
871. "Come and join the Nazi party!"Copy !req
872. "Springtime for HitlerCopy !req
873. "And GermanyCopy !req
874. "Goose step'sCopy !req
875. "The new step todayCopy !req
876. "Bombs fallingCopy !req
877. "From the skies againCopy !req
878. "Deutschland is on the rise againCopy !req
879. "Springtime for HitlerCopy !req
880. "And GermanyCopy !req
881. "U-boats are sailingCopy !req
882. "Once moreCopy !req
883. Well!Copy !req
884. Talk about bad taste!Copy !req
885. "Springtime for HitlerCopy !req
886. "And GermanyCopy !req
887. "Means thatCopy !req
888. "Soon we'll be goingCopy !req
889. "We've got to be goingCopy !req
890. "You know we'll be goingCopy !req
891. "To war"Copy !req
892. Let us repair to the bar across the street.Copy !req
893. We don't want to be here during intermission.Copy !req
894. They'll stone us to death.Copy !req
895. "Man...Copy !req
896. "I lieb you. I lieb you, baby. I lieb you!Copy !req
897. "Now lieb me alone."Copy !req
898. Harry, he's funny.Copy !req
899. - Come on!
- Come on!Copy !req
900. "If you need me so much...Copy !req
901. "... why don't you pay attention to me...Copy !req
902. "... you big dictator?"Copy !req
903. "You chicks!Copy !req
904. "You chicks! You all alike!Copy !req
905. "All you think about is...Copy !req
906. "... lieben, lieben, lieben, lieben!Copy !req
907. "Don't you forget, baby, I took an oath.Copy !req
908. "Deutschland über alles!"Copy !req
909. "So, cool it, while I map out my campaign."Copy !req
910. "Gonna crush PolandCopy !req
911. "And I'm gonna take over FranceCopy !req
912. "Sieg heil, sieg heil!"Copy !req
913. "Then we're gonna take over PolandCopy !req
914. "And then I'm a-gonna crush FranceCopy !req
915. "Baby, don't you know, mamaCopy !req
916. "Then I'm gonna cross that English ChannelCopy !req
917. "And then I'm gonna kick them catsCopy !req
918. "In the pants, pow!"Copy !req
919. Did you see the look on that woman's face?Copy !req
920. When the guy started to sing...Copy !req
921. "SpringtimeCopy !req
922. "For HitlerCopy !req
923. "And Germany"Copy !req
924. Here's to the one and only performance
of Springtime for Hitler.Copy !req
925. May it rest in peace.Copy !req
926. Innkeeper! Innkeeper!
Another round of drinks here.Copy !req
927. As a matter of fact...Copy !req
928. a round of drinks for everybody in the place.Copy !req
929. Just think...Copy !req
930. yesterday,
I was a meaningless little accountant...Copy !req
931. and today I'm the producer of a Broadway flop!Copy !req
932. Here's to failure.Copy !req
933. - To failure.
- Thank you. It's very kind of you.Copy !req
934. "Bitte schön, mein Führer."Copy !req
935. "Man, you're a German!"Copy !req
936. "We're all Germans!"Copy !req
937. "That's right!Copy !req
938. "That means we cannot attack Germany."Copy !req
939. "I mean, I got all my friends here, you know?Copy !req
940. "And what about me?Copy !req
941. "And then there's the country club...Copy !req
942. "... and the laughs every night.Copy !req
943. "We got to do something.Copy !req
944. "I got it!Copy !req
945. "I've got it!"Copy !req
946. "What have you got?"Copy !req
947. "A medal. It fell down my pants, man.Copy !req
948. "Get it out, baby.Copy !req
949. "Danke schön, baby."Copy !req
950. "Baby."Copy !req
951. "Baby."Copy !req
952. Why does he say this "baby"?Copy !req
953. The Fuhrer has never said "baby."
I did not write "baby."Copy !req
954. What is it with this "baby"?Copy !req
955. Will you please shut up?Copy !req
956. You shut up. You are the audience.Copy !req
957. I am the author. I outrank you!Copy !req
958. Barkeep! Another drink for myself...Copy !req
959. my associate, Mr. Bloom...Copy !req
960. And don't forget
our good-natured inebriate over here.Copy !req
961. Eternally grateful.Copy !req
962. - A toast!
- A toast!Copy !req
963. A toast!Copy !req
964. To what?Copy !req
965. To...Copy !req
966. To toast. I love toast.Copy !req
967. - To toast.
- To toast.Copy !req
968. Now...Copy !req
969. I'll take the lead...Copy !req
970. and I want you right behind me all the way!Copy !req
971. Sing out!Copy !req
972. All right, Piaf!Copy !req
973. It's intermission! Quick!Copy !req
974. Hide your faces. They'll tear us to pieces.Copy !req
975. - Give us a couple of Manhattans.
- I'll have a Manhattan.Copy !req
976. - Here you go, Frank.
- You getting it? Okay.Copy !req
977. Two whiskey sours, please.Copy !req
978. So far, that's about one of the funniest things
I've ever seen on Broadway.Copy !req
979. - I never laughed so much in my life.
- Absolutely hysterical!Copy !req
980. I thought I'd split my sides!Copy !req
981. Take it easy. Don't panic.Copy !req
982. There are a lot of plays on this street.Copy !req
983. They aren't necessarily talking about
Springtime for Hitler.Copy !req
984. Would you ever believe
you'd love a show called...Copy !req
985. Springtime for Hitler?Copy !req
986. Come on, let's get back!Copy !req
987. If the second act is like the first,
this'll run for five years!Copy !req
988. "Springtime for HitlerCopy !req
989. "And Germany"Copy !req
990. Gotta think.Copy !req
991. Gotta think.Copy !req
992. Mrs. Cathcart, 50 percent.Copy !req
993. Mrs. Resnick, 50 percent.Copy !req
994. Gotta think.Copy !req
995. Mrs. Biddlecomb, 50 percent.Copy !req
996. Mrs. Wentworth, 100 percent.Copy !req
997. - No way-out.Copy !req
998. - Leo.
- No way—Copy !req
999. Leo.Copy !req
1000. No way—Copy !req
1001. Listen, let's go to the theater...Copy !req
1002. and see what's really happening.Copy !req
1003. After all, we only heard from
a small portion of the audience.Copy !req
1004. Let's hear what the majority thinks.Copy !req
1005. - The majority?
- The majority.Copy !req
1006. Let's hear from the majority.Copy !req
1007. - Where's the majority?
- Majority.Copy !req
1008. - Let's hear the majority.
- The majority.Copy !req
1009. - See the majority? Where's the majority?
- The majority.Copy !req
1010. "One and one is twoCopy !req
1011. "Two and two is fourCopy !req
1012. "I feel so bad 'cause I'm losing the war"Copy !req
1013. Excuse me. Excuse me.Copy !req
1014. The play here is in progress!Copy !req
1015. You must be quiet! Swine!Copy !req
1016. "Man, we're losing everything! Everything!Copy !req
1017. "Where's my Goebbels?Copy !req
1018. "Get me my little Joe!"Copy !req
1019. "Send for Goebbels!"Copy !req
1020. - "Send for Goebbels!"
- "Send for Goebbels!"Copy !req
1021. "Heil, baby!"Copy !req
1022. "Baby! What's happening?"Copy !req
1023. "I just laid the morning propaganda
programs on the people."Copy !req
1024. "You're putting me on! What did they say?"Copy !req
1025. "I told the people we invaded England!"Copy !req
1026. "That's a groove, daddy! How did we come out?"Copy !req
1027. "We beat 'em, baby!"Copy !req
1028. "Groovy! That's my Joe! That's my little Joe.Copy !req
1029. "I love my little Joe.Copy !req
1030. "Joseph”.Copy !req
1031. "... you are smoking
in the presence of the Fuhrer."Copy !req
1032. "I'm sorry, big daddy."Copy !req
1033. "They try.Copy !req
1034. "Man, how they try."Copy !req
1035. Ja!Copy !req
1036. - What can I do for you?
- You will please be unconscious.Copy !req
1037. This is an outrage. It must stop.
It makes me so mad what they do.Copy !req
1038. Curtain must go down! Down!Copy !req
1039. What's happening?Copy !req
1040. I am the author of this play!
You are the victims of a hoax!Copy !req
1041. These are not my words!
The Fuhrer has never said this "baby"!Copy !req
1042. The Fuhrer was sweet!
The Fuhrer was kind! The Fuhrer was good!Copy !req
1043. He loved me! Often, he would say to me:Copy !req
1044. "Franz..."Copy !req
1045. Boo-boo?Copy !req
1046. Boo-boo?Copy !req
1047. - Yeah?
- We make love?Copy !req
1048. No. We don't make love.Copy !req
1049. Go to work.Copy !req
1050. "Congratulations.Copy !req
1051. "It's the biggest hit on Broadway."Copy !req
1052. "Congratulations.Copy !req
1053. "Hitler will run forever."Copy !req
1054. "Congratulations."Copy !req
1055. Congratulations!Copy !req
1056. Have you seen the lines at the box office?
It's a torrent! It's an avalanche!Copy !req
1057. It's the biggest hit on Broadway!Copy !req
1058. You lousy fruit! You ruined me!Copy !req
1059. You're crazy! He's gonna kill me! Call the police!Copy !req
1060. Help! Murder! Rape!Copy !req
1061. Don't let anybody in. Got to think.Copy !req
1062. I got to think.Copy !req
1063. How could this happen?Copy !req
1064. I was so careful. I picked the wrong play...Copy !req
1065. the wrong director, the wrong cast.Copy !req
1066. Where did I go right?Copy !req
1067. What are you doing?Copy !req
1068. Don't try to stop me. I've made up my mind.Copy !req
1069. - What are you doing with the books?
- I'm turning myself in. It's the only way.Copy !req
1070. I'll cooperate with the police.Copy !req
1071. They'll reduce my sentence,
time off for good behavior.Copy !req
1072. Maybe I'll get a job in the prison library. 80 long.Copy !req
1073. Leo!Copy !req
1074. Take it easy. Relax. You're overwrought.
You don't know what you're doing.Copy !req
1075. You're acting out of panic. Give me those books!Copy !req
1076. - I never should have listened to you!
- I never should have listened to you!Copy !req
1077. - How I hate you!
- Double, double, double!Copy !req
1078. Fat! Fat!Copy !req
1079. You fatty!Copy !req
1080. Give me those books, you fat walrus!Copy !req
1081. - Never!
- Give 'em quick!Copy !req
1082. - You fat fatty, give me those fat books!
- No!Copy !req
1083. You have broken the sacred oath! You must die!Copy !req
1084. This is not good here.Copy !req
1085. I am not killing you.Copy !req
1086. Don't you understand? You must die.Copy !req
1087. Will you cooperate?Copy !req
1088. - Come in!
- Come in!Copy !req
1089. I hear noise. You call?Copy !req
1090. Where are...Copy !req
1091. Boo!Copy !req
1092. I see you.Copy !req
1093. You like something? Coffee?Copy !req
1094. Coffee.Copy !req
1095. Yes! Good idea.Copy !req
1096. Ask the gentleman with the gun...Copy !req
1097. the gentleman who is shooting at us
and trying to kill us...Copy !req
1098. what he will have.Copy !req
1099. You like coffee?Copy !req
1100. Kaffee? Ja. Black, two sugars.Copy !req
1101. Two regular, one black, two sugar.Copy !req
1102. - Champagne?
- No, thanks. I have just ordered Kaffee.Copy !req
1103. Are you coming out
from behind this desk or not?Copy !req
1104. - Not!
- Cowards!Copy !req
1105. Miserable, cringing cowards!Copy !req
1106. Clinging to life! Watch!Copy !req
1107. Watch and remember!Copy !req
1108. Franz Liebkind
will show you how to die like a man!Copy !req
1109. Please, sing.Copy !req
1110. Soon I will be with mein Führer.Copy !req
1111. And Göring! And Goebbels!Copy !req
1112. And Himmler!Copy !req
1113. I'm coming, boys!Copy !req
1114. Boy, when things go wrong...Copy !req
1115. Wasted a whole day
playing hide-and-seek with a crazy kraut!Copy !req
1116. - There, there.
- Where? Where?Copy !req
1117. You crazy lunatic,
what are you shooting at us for?Copy !req
1118. Why don't you use this where it'll do some good?Copy !req
1119. Why don't you shoot at the actors?Copy !req
1120. Franz...Copy !req
1121. Have I ever steered you wrong?Copy !req
1122. - Always.
- Never mind. Listen.Copy !req
1123. Every night, people are laughing
at your beloved Fuhrer. Why?Copy !req
1124. It is that LSD.Copy !req
1125. Und his verdammte "babies"!Copy !req
1126. Here!Copy !req
1127. Buy bullets.Copy !req
1128. Go. Kill.Copy !req
1129. - Kill the actors.
- What?Copy !req
1130. - Shut up!
- The actors.Copy !req
1131. I must destroy the actors.Copy !req
1132. Stop! This is insanity! Have you lost your mind?Copy !req
1133. How can you kill the actors? What do you mean?Copy !req
1134. Actors are not animals. They're human beings.Copy !req
1135. They are? Have you ever eaten with one?
Go! Go, kill! Forward!Copy !req
1136. - No!
- Make up your minds!Copy !req
1137. What are you doing? We're trapped!
It's either the show or us!Copy !req
1138. There's no way out!
What can we do, blow up the theater?Copy !req
1139. Dynamite.Copy !req
1140. Dynamite.Copy !req
1141. - Fuse.
- Fuse.Copy !req
1142. And now for the master connection.Copy !req
1143. Don't shoot! It's the dynamite.Copy !req
1144. If you shoot it,
it will get mad at us and blow us all up.Copy !req
1145. That is good thinking.
I will put this dynamite back.Copy !req
1146. Good.Copy !req
1147. Next time I produce a play, no author.Copy !req
1148. - Max?
- What is it?Copy !req
1149. - Max?
- What?Copy !req
1150. Remember yesterday
in the office when we were fighting?Copy !req
1151. So?Copy !req
1152. I'm sorry I called you "fat, fat, fat."Copy !req
1153. Gentlemen.Copy !req
1154. We have here a technical problem.Copy !req
1155. I do not know whether this little devil here
is the quick fuse...Copy !req
1156. or the slow fuse.Copy !req
1157. I must find this out.Copy !req
1158. This is critical.Copy !req
1159. Ja, ja. You see this?Copy !req
1160. You see this? Hear what I have told you?Copy !req
1161. Ja. This is an example of smartness here.Copy !req
1162. I have said that this is the quick fuse,
and this is the quick fuse.Copy !req
1163. The quick fuse!Copy !req
1164. Has the jury reached a verdict?Copy !req
1165. - We have, your honor.
- How does the jury find?Copy !req
1166. We find the defendants incredibly guilty.Copy !req
1167. Do the defendants
have anything to say in their behalf...Copy !req
1168. before the court pronounces sentence?Copy !req
1169. I would like to say something, your honor.Copy !req
1170. Not on my behalf, but in reference
to my partner, Mr. Bialystock.Copy !req
1171. Proceed.Copy !req
1172. Your honor...Copy !req
1173. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury...Copy !req
1174. Max Bialystock is the most...Copy !req
1175. selfish man I ever met in my life.Copy !req
1176. Don't help me.Copy !req
1177. Not only is he a liar...Copy !req
1178. and a cheat...Copy !req
1179. and a scoundrel and a crook...Copy !req
1180. who has taken money from little old ladies...Copy !req
1181. but he's also talked people into doing things...Copy !req
1182. especially me...Copy !req
1183. that they would never in a thousand years
have dreamed of doing.Copy !req
1184. But, your honor...Copy !req
1185. as I understand it...Copy !req
1186. the law was created...Copy !req
1187. to protect people from being wronged.Copy !req
1188. Your honor...Copy !req
1189. whom has Max Bialystock wronged?Copy !req
1190. I mean...Copy !req
1191. whom has he really hurt?Copy !req
1192. Not me.Copy !req
1193. Not me.Copy !req
1194. I was...Copy !req
1195. This man...Copy !req
1196. No one ever called me Leo before.Copy !req
1197. I know it's not a big legal point...Copy !req
1198. but even in kindergarten,
they used to call me Bloom.Copy !req
1199. I never sang a song before.Copy !req
1200. I mean with someone else.Copy !req
1201. I never sang a song with someone else before.Copy !req
1202. This man...Copy !req
1203. This man...Copy !req
1204. This is a wonderful man.Copy !req
1205. He made me what I am today.Copy !req
1206. He did.Copy !req
1207. And what of the dear ladies?Copy !req
1208. What would their lives have been
without Max Bialystock?Copy !req
1209. Max Bialystock...Copy !req
1210. who made them feel young...Copy !req
1211. and attractive...Copy !req
1212. and wanted again?Copy !req
1213. That's all that I have to say.Copy !req
1214. Order. Order.Copy !req
1215. And may I humbly add, your honor,
that we've learned our lesson...Copy !req
1216. and that we'll never do it again.Copy !req
1217. "Prisoners of loveCopy !req
1218. "Blue skies aboveCopy !req
1219. "Can't keep our hearts in jail"Copy !req
1220. No!Copy !req
1221. Now, come on, guys, let's put a little life in it.Copy !req
1222. "Prisoners of loveCopy !req
1223. "Blue skies aboveCopy !req
1224. "Can't keep our hearts in jailCopy !req
1225. "Prisoners of love..."Copy !req
1226. You now own 20 percent of Prisoners of Love.Copy !req
1227. Congratulations. Yes, sir?Copy !req
1228. You now own 30 percent of Prisoners of Love.Copy !req
1229. Congratulations. Yes, sir?Copy !req
1230. The warden would like to make...Copy !req
1231. a little investment in your production.Copy !req
1232. Tell him he owns 50 percent of the show.Copy !req
1233. - Thanks!
- My pleasure.Copy !req
1234. From the top, Franz, once more.Copy !req
1235. "Prisoners of loveCopy !req
1236. "Blue skies aboveCopy !req
1237. "Can't keep our hearts in jailCopy !req
1238. Sing it out, men!Copy !req
1239. "Prisoners of loveCopy !req
1240. Higher, you animals, higher!Copy !req
1241. We open in Leavenworth Saturday night!Copy !req
1242. "You can lock us upCopy !req
1243. "And lose the keyCopy !req
1244. "But hearts in love are always freeCopy !req
1245. "Prisoners of loveCopy !req
1246. "Blue skies aboveCopy !req
1247. cause we're still prisoners of loveCopy !req
1248. "You can lock us up and lose the keyCopy !req
1249. "But hearts in loveCopy !req
1250. "Will always beCopy !req
1251. "Prisoners of loveCopy !req
1252. "Blue skies aboveCopy !req
1253. cause we're still prisonersCopy !req
1254. "We're still prisonersCopy !req
1255. "We're still prisoners of love"Copy !req