The Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists! (2012)

1. Admiral Collingwood!

2. Well, Admiral?

3. Great news, Your Majesty!

4. The French are defeated at last.

5. Also the Russians, the Portuguese,

6. the Chinese

7. and the Welsh.

8. Then our navy rules the ocean.

9. Almost entirely, Your Majesty.

10. "Almost"?

11. Unfortunately, just here,

12. we're still having a little trouble with...

13. pirates.

14. What does it say on my royal crest, Admiral?

15. "I hate pirates,"

16. ma'am.

17. Exactly.

18. Hate them.

19. With their idiotic shanties!

20. And their ridiculous hats!

21. And their endless, blasted roaring!

22. I want them sunk, Admiral!

23. Scuppered, smashed, fed to the sharks. Do you hear me?

24. I hate pirates!

25. It's the looting..

26. It's the cutlasses.

27. It's the looting.!

28. It's the cutlasses!

29. Looting!

30. Cutlasses!

31. Looting!

32. Sorry, Captain.

33. We were just discussing what's the best bit about being a pirate.

34. You were, were you?

35. I suggested it might be the looting.

36. Whereas I contend it's the shiny cutlasses.

37. And I thought it was the chance to catch exotic diseases.

38. Well, you're, all of you, wrong.

39. The best bit about being a pirate

40. isn't the looting or the cutlasses.

41. It's not the grog or the scurvy.

42. Or the scantily clad mermaids.

43. The best bit about being a pirate

44. is Ham Night!

45. Ham Night!

46. Ham Night!

47. Ham!

48. On your nose.

49. Go, Captain. Go, Captain.

50. Hey! Hey!

51. It's like a meat ballet.

52. - To Ham Night! - Ham!

53. - And to the Pirate Captain! - Pirate Captain!

54. Pirate Captain!

55. How was that, Number Two?

56. You've still got it, Captain.

57. I'd take a jellyfish in the face for that man.

58. Okay, now, shush, shush, shush. Settle down, lads. Shush.

59. - Lads, lads. - Pirates!

60. - It's not all about me. - Don't be modest.

61. No, no, no.

62. Behind every captain with glittering eyes

63. - and a luxuriant beard... - Luxuriant!

64. That's what it is.

65. there's a crew of briny rogues.

66. Briny rogues!

67. Sure, some of you are as ugly as a sea cucumber.

68. Will you get away with ya?

69. Some of you are closer to being a chair or coat rack than a pirate.

70. And some of you are just fish I've dressed up in a hat.

71. But you're still the best crew a captain could wish for.

72. Don't forget Polly.

73. And not forgetting, never forgetting...

74. Polly. The finest parrot to sail the seven seas.

75. Come on, girl.

76. I love her beady eyes.

77. Who's the feathery heart and soul of our boat?

78. Is it you? Is it you?

79. Yes, it is. Yes, it is.

80. It's definitely you, isn't it?

81. Yes, it is. Yes, it is.

82. Right. Where was I?

83. Ah, yes! Ah, yes.

84. Important announcement.

85. By order of the Pirate King himself...

86. The Pirate of the Year Awards?

87. Are you going to...

88. Are you going to enter again?

89. That I am, Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate.

90. I know it hasn't worked out perfectly for the last...

91. - 20 year. - 20 years, yeah.

92. Exactly, Pirate with Gout. 20 years.

93. It might be a bit more. 21, 22...

94. Yes, yes. Thank you, thank you.

95. - You were very good, though. - Shush!

96. The point is, every time I've entered, I've failed to win.

97. So by the sheer law of maths...

98. Maths.

99. I must have a really good chance this time.

100. Are you with me, lads?

101. Yes! This can only end brilliantly.

102. Then let's go plundering!

103. Land ho!

104. Blood Island.

105. So-called because it's the exact shape of some blood.

106. Yeah!

107. Excuse me. Mind out.

108. Captain coming through.

109. Thank you very much.

110. Thank you.

111. One Pirate of the Year entry form, if you please.

112. Thank you.

113. Now, let's see.

114. "Booty?"

115. Oh, yes.

116. "Roaring." Check.

117. "Shanties."

118. I shall put "rousing."

119. "Beard"?

120. Luxuriant

121. Obviously.

122. Do you think I should sign it in blood?

123. Make it more dramatic?

124. Might be a bit on the showy side.

125. Bit too much. You might be right.

126. Pirate Captain.

127. You can't lose, Captain.

128. I'd bet my face.

129. Well, thank you, Albino Pirate.

130. You're a shoo-in, sir.

131. Sure, there's not a pirate on the seven seas can match you.

132. Lock up your daughters!

133. It's me, Peg-Leg Hastings!

134. Back from plunderin' the Spanish Main.

135. Good grief.

136. And I reckon this will make me Pirate of the Year.

137. Don't worry, sir. He's all flash and no bang.

138. Cutlass Liz.

139. The Butcher of Barbados.

140. Hello, boys.

141. You're probably all wondering if I'm still as deadly as I am beautiful.

142. Well, I am.

143. Hello, Cutlass, you trollop.

144. Peg-Leg, you pile of squid bait.

145. Check it out, lubbers.

146. The world's biggest diamond.

147. That baby's got my name on it.

148. She doesn't even have a beard.

149. Sweet Neptune's briny pants.

150. Black Bellamy.

151. Roar!

152. Read it and weep, ya coves!

153. That's right, Black Bellamy is gonna be Pirate of the Year.

154. Again.

155. How are you? Good to see you.

156. Grog for everybody!

157. Grog for everybody!

158. Wow, we are rubbish compared to them, aren't we?

159. Perhaps we should be off, sir.

160. Yes.

161. Yes, yes, good point.

162. I just remembered, actually, I have some very important

163. bits of rope I need to untangle.

164. Thank you.

165. Well, if it isn't the Pirate Captain.

166. Hello, Bellamy. Cutlass. Peg-Leg.

167. Didn't notice you come in.

168. The beard's looking great, my man.

169. And I see that you're more wanted than ever.

170. Come on, everybody, be nice. Give him a break.

171. Bring it down a little bit. All right.

172. Seriously, Captain,

173. how's the pirating business treating you?

174. Yeah, yeah, brilliantly, brilliantly. Thanks for asking.

175. Treasure coming out of my eyeballs.

176. Taken to washing my hair in 50-pound notes.

177. Really?

178. If you've got so much booty,

179. then how come you're still sailing that old wreck?

180. Anyway, look, I'd love to stay and chat, but, you know,

181. places to pillage, people to... People to skewer.

182. Come on!

183. That is disgusting.

184. Wait a minute.

185. Captain, what is this?

186. - What? - Captain?

187. That's nothing. Could I possibly have that back?

188. - Hold on, hold on. Wait, wait. - Thank you.

189. "Pirate of the Year"?

190. You're entering Pirate of the Year?

191. No, no, no, no, no.

192. - Yes. - Again?

193. Yes!

194. Come on. Listen, did they change the rules?

195. I mean, I always thought they gave it to the pirate with the most booty.

196. Do they now just give it to the guy with the fattest parrot?

197. She is not fat. She's just big-boned.

198. She's fat, dude.

199. Yeah, go on. Go on, then, laugh.

200. Everyone laugh.

201. Ignore them, Captain. It's not worth it.

202. The trophy would just clash with your wallpaper, anyway.

203. You'll see, you'll see.

204. I will be Pirate of the Year.

205. Yes.

206. And then you'll be laughing on the other side of your faces.

207. Yes.

208. And believe me, that is a very painful thing to do.

209. Come on, lads.

210. Well...

211. All right, now listen up, you coves.

212. We'll show those swabs a thing or two about pirating.

213. There's still time to fill these chests with sparkling booty.

214. I can practically taste that trophy!

215. Trophy! Trophy! Trophy!

216. Captain! Sail off the port bow!

217. Let's get after her, Number Two.

218. Aye, aye, sir.

219. Clap on all sail!

220. Royals and topgallants!

221. Release those gallants!

222. Fire those long things that go bang.

223. Fire cannons four and six!

224. Eat cannonball, lubbers.

225. Here we go, lads! Look and learn.

226. Go get 'em, Pirate Captain!

227. Avast! I'm the Pirate Captain.

228. And I'm here for your gold.

229. Gold? This is a plague boat, old man. I'd give my right arm for some gold.

230. Or my left.

231. Right, lads.

232. Minor hiccup, that last one.

233. This time,

234. it's payday!

235. I'm the Pirate Captain, and I'm here for your gold.

236. Geography field trip.

237. I'm the Pirate Captain, and...

238. Naturists.

239. Pirate Captain. Blah, blah, blah, blah, gold.

240. Ghost ship.

241. Sorry.

242. Captain, we've sighted another ship, sir.

243. That's nice.

244. Do you want to give the order to attack?

245. No, not really, Number Two. No, I think I've...

246. Think I had enough of piracy.

247. I'm hanging up my cutlass.

248. Captain, no!

249. Yeah, I was thinking I might go into baby clothes, actually.

250. What?

251. I hear there's a fortune to be made in baby clothes because

252. babies grow so fast.

253. No, but you can't. I mean, the crew...

254. They'd... They'd be lost without you.

255. What was I thinking, Number Two?

256. Pirate of the Year?

257. Me?

258. Look at the trophy cabinet.

259. Best Anecdote About a Squid.

260. I mean, that is all I've got to show for my entire career.

261. Pirate of the Year?

262. It's just commercialized nonsense.

263. Real piracy isn't about trophies.

264. It's about fighting up staircases backwards.

265. It's about sliding down sails with a knife in your teeth.

266. Beard glossiness!

267. And think about all the adventures we've had.

268. Our adventure with Aztecs.

269. Our adventure with that pig.

270. Our adventure with...

271. Okay, maybe not the librarians. But the fun we've had.

272. And what about the shanties?

273. Well, I mean... People would miss my shanties.

274. And the running people through.

275. Well, I... I do enjoy running people through.

276. Enjoy it? You're brilliant at it!

277. You're a brine-soaked terror of the high seas!

278. Do you think so, Number Two?

279. Everyone does!

280. You're more of a pirate than Black Bellamy or any of them.

281. You're a real pirate.

282. That's why the crew,

283. they think you're the best thing since boil-in-the-bag ham.

284. Why do you think they all

285. got that tattoo? Come on.

286. What do you say?

287. Arrr!

288. By Neptune, where's that ship?

289. This is the one, lads!

290. Ninth time lucky! I can feel it in my beard!

291. Well, don't just sit there like lemons!

292. Hoist the flag!

293. Standard, sir?

294. Or extra gruesome?

295. Extra gruesome!

296. Let's make their gizzards shake.

297. Journal of Charles Darwin

298. Day 93 aboard the Beagle.

299. I have, today, discovered a new kind of barnacle,

300. which I have categorised in the order of Pygophora.

301. I'll never get a girlfriend. I am so unhappy.

302. And now I'm being attacked by pirates.

303. Avast! I'm the Pirate Captain, and I'm here for your gold.

304. I haven't got any gold.

305. No gold, eh?

306. Then what, might I ask, is this?

307. It's a baboon's kidney.

308. Is it?

309. And what about this?

310. It's another baboon's kidney.

311. We searched the hold, Captain.

312. And?

313. Just creatures.

314. Bits of creatures in jars.

315. And an unhappy-looking baboon.

316. What kind of ship is this?

317. We're a...

318. Well, we were a scientific expedition.

319. Charles Darwin, at your service, sir.

320. For pity's sake!

321. Is it so much to ask? Is it?

322. I just want one tiny bit of success!

323. One teensy weensy bit of respect from my peers

324. just once in my life!

325. Is that such a crime?

326. IS it?

327. - No? - No!

328. No.

329. But you try telling that to the universe.

330. Just once, just once for things to go right.

331. Just... Just once.

332. So, are we done here?

333. Dear Diary,

334. about to meet a watery grave.

335. It's nothing personal, you understand.

336. It's just... It's been a tough week,

337. and a good plank walk usually cheers him up.

338. Will die without reaching second base with a lady.

339. Get on with it!

340. Today's weather:

341. inclement.

342. - Stop! - Now what?

343. Last request, is it? Do we have to grant those?

344. Is there some sort of human rights convention we're signed up to?

345. - But that bird! - My parrot?

346. She's just big-boned!

347. No, she's not. I mean... I mean, she's not a parrot.

348. Not a parrot?

349. What's he on about, old girl?

350. She's... She's...

351. She's the scientific discovery of our age!

352. She's a...

353. Sorry. It's just,

354. that's my favourite bit.

355. A dodo, you say?

356. They've been extinct for 150 years.

357. To find one alive today, it's quite incredible.

358. Well, clever old girl. Not going extinct.

359. If I might be so bold, I would be prepared

360. to pay you 10 pounds for your Polly.

361. Polly's not for sale.

362. Ten pound.

363. She's one of the family.

364. She's like an auntie.

365. With a beak.

366. Yeah, I'm afraid they're right, Charles.

367. Polly here is the feathery heart and soul of the boat.

368. Come on, little dodo.

369. It's such a missed opportunity.

370. If I could've presented her

371. in London to the Royal Society at their annual science show...

372. No question of that, I'm afraid.

373. - She'd have been an absolute sensation. - Yeah, well, can't be helped.

374. And of course a shoo-in for the top prize.

375. Prize?

376. For best scientific discovery. Yes.

377. This prize,

378. - valuable, is it? - Valuable?

379. It's priceless.

380. Untold riches.

381. - Captain... - No, no, no, no.

382. I was thinking, perhaps, perhaps I was being a touch hasty.

383. But, Captain, London?

384. The home of Queen Victoria,

385. mortal enemy of pirates everywhere?

386. We'll end up hanged at Execution Dock.

387. We laugh in the face of danger, remember?

388. - I don't. - I don't really like danger at all.

389. Captain, do you remember the little talk we had?

390. The one about whether pigs are actually a type of fruit?

391. No.

392. No.

393. The one about us trying to avoid harebrained schemes

394. that end in us facing certain death.

395. You heard the man, Number Two.

396. "Untold riches."

397. Here's the plan.

398. We go to London, Polly wins this science show thingy,

399. we take the prize money, I enter Pirate of the Year, I win!

400. Bingo!

401. - But, Captain, I'm not sure... - It can't fail.

402. And besides, look at her little face.

403. I sure want to win that science prize.

404. Squawk!

405. Bravo, Captain!

406. I see you're a man of vision!

407. Right, then, Charles. When is this science show of yours?

408. A week tomorrow.

409. Confound it!

410. You see, we could've made that with a good wind behind us,

411. but unfortunately there's this dirty great sea monster in the way.

412. I think they just add those onto maps for decoration, Captain.

413. Is that a fact?

414. Well, blow me down.

415. I dare, you could learn something from this fine fellow, Number Two.

416. London Town.

417. The most romantic city in the world.

418. "Queen Victoria"

419. "welcomes you to London."

420. That's nice.

421. Perhaps she's not so bad after all.

422. Well, don't look so worried, Number Two.

423. Pirates are always visiting London.

424. Turn back!

425. This is the fate of pirates here!

426. Is that Scarlett Morgan?

427. Pirate Captain.

428. Goodness me!

429. I haven't seen you since that business in Madagascar.

430. Yes. I could've sworn they were girls.

431. You're looking well, Morgan.

432. Yeah, lost a bit of weight.

433. What are you up to these days?

434. You know, this and that.

435. Yeah, just gonna enter a science competition, actually.

436. - Good luck with that. - Yeah, thanks, thanks.

437. No, no, wait, wait!

438. Turn back!

439. Turn back.

440. - Sorry. - No!

441. Look what you've done to me boat. Look at the state of it.

442. I hope you've got some insurance, 'cause I...

443. Right, then. We'll be off.

444. I'll bring her back tomorrow straight after the show.

445. Well, don't be daft, Charles. I'll be presenting Polly.

446. - You? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

447. I always fancied trying my hand at a spot of science.

448. But you can't. I mean,

449. the streets of London are no place for pirates.

450. Pirates? What pirates?

451. Nobody here but us Girl Guides.

452. Yes!

453. I've got a badge for looting.

454. We're not really Girl Guides. It's us, the pirates.

455. We're masters of disguise.

456. How ingenious.

457. But all the same, Captain, best we lie low for the night.

458. Perhaps at my house.

459. - Captain, I really think... - Good plan, Chuck.

460. Be fun to see how you boffin types live.

461. Well, come on. Taxi!

462. Evening, Officer.

463. Hidey-ho, ladies.

464. London smells like Grandma.

465. Whoa.

466. Here we are.

467. Home, sweet home.

468. You don't get many women back here, do you, Charles?

469. People who live alone are always serial killers.

470. Sweet Neptune on a bike!

471. Don't mind Mr Bobo.

472. - Just an old project of mine. - Project?

473. Yeah, I had this theory.

474. I thought that if you took a monkey, gave him a monocle

475. and covered up his gigantic, unsightly ass,

476. then he would cease to be a monkey and become more of a...

477. A man-panzee, if you will.

478. Bold theory.

479. I don't like the monkey.

480. But to be honest, monkeys are 10 a penny.

481. He's not a patch on Polly here.

482. Anyhow, big day tomorrow.

483. We all need our rest.

484. Let me show you to your room, Captain.

485. Right behind you, Chuck.

486. Now, here's the plan.

487. You know what to do. Wait until the bearded idiot is asleep,

488. then sneak into his room and...

489. Captain.

490. It's... It's Mr Darwin, sir. I'm sure he's up to no good.

491. Honestly, Number Two, what's got into you?

492. Thanks to Charles, we're about to win lavish untold riches,

493. and here you are trying to find fault with the poor fellow.

494. - Yes, but... - No, no, no. Not another word.

495. A future Pirate of the Year needs his beauty sleep.

496. Do you think you could make nautical noises until we drop off?

497. That's lovely. Now, that is lovely. Can you do the shiver a timber?

498. And just chuck in a few gulls, would you?

499. Ladies and gentlemen, our winner.

500. Give it up for the Pirate Captain!

501. Congratulations, Pirate Captain.

502. Nobody deserves this more than you.

503. Thanks, Cutlass.

504. And that beard of yours,

505. it drives me

506. crazy.

507. Give it here.

508. Give it back, Bellamy, it's mine!

509. No, give it back.

510. Neptune's navel!

511. Come back here, you lubber.

512. Stop, thief!

513. I'll take that.

514. Not so fast, my friend.

515. Number Two!

516. Number Two, are you all right?

517. Unhand that dodo!

518. Evening, Captain.

519. Number Two!

520. We're under attack!

521. Abandon ship!

522. Hello, Pirate Captain, Pirate with a Scarf!

523. Come back here, Mysterious Shadowy Figure!

524. Faster! Faster!

525. Got you! Are you all right, girl?

526. Captain! I mean, what's going on?

527. Don't play the innocent.

528. You and your hench-monkey tried to steal Polly.

529. Steal Polly? Dear me, no, you're mistaken.

530. Then how do you explain this?

531. Well, I think it's obvious what's happened, isn't it?

532. Is it?

533. Some jealous rival scientist

534. must have tried to make off with the dodo.

535. Well, that explains everything.

536. Captain, please, let's go.

537. Polly's not safe in London.

538. I couldn't bear it if something happened to Polly.

539. Nothing is going to happen to Polly.

540. She'll be perfectly safe. Leave everything to me.

541. Now, come on, we can't keep that prize waiting.

542. Anyone got a towel?

543. Nice going, banana butt.

544. Now this briny buffoon is gonna grab all the glory.

545. It's a disaster.

546. It's...

547. Bad news, I'm afraid, Captain.

548. You can't go in.

549. It's strictly scientists only, you see.

550. I'll just have to present Polly

551. myself.

552. We're not really scientists. It's us, the pirates.

553. See? Masters of disguise.

554. But where's Polly?

555. That is on a need-to-know basis from here on in, Charles.

556. - Pardon? - I am keeping her hidden.

557. That shadowy figure could be anywhere.

558. Luckily, I am not only a master of disguises,

559. I am also a master of hiding things.

560. Right, lads, let's show these boffins what's what.

561. But, Captain.

562. - Really, I... - Hello!

563. We're here for the science show.

564. We're scientists.

565. That's a pipette, this is Charles Darwin,

566. and I am the Scientist Captain.

567. If you're a scientist, name three elements.

568. Well, let's see now.

569. There's... There's gold, ham...

570. and

571. the tears of a mermaid.

572. Yeah, two out of three. Close enough. First on your left.

573. The balloon of my airship contains

574. - 20,000 cubic feet of hydrogen gas. - Excuse me.

575. Sorry.

576. Just here, you will notice the open log fire

577. to ensure a comfortable temperature at higher altitudes.

578. Captain?

579. Captain, Captain, please.

580. You can't possibly appear on stage without Polly.

581. Patience, Charles. All in good time.

582. Excuse me. Sorry.

583. - Sorry. - Idiot!

584. - Just a tick. - But, Captain...

585. How on earth did...

586. My airship will revolutionise the fields of meteorology and cartography.

587. But mostly,

588. it's for looking down ladies' tops.

589. Ingenious.

590. Captain, I really, really think

591. it would be best if I take over from here.

592. There's a certain manner in which these things are conduc...

593. Nonsense, Chuck.

594. What this science stuff needs is a bit of showmanship!

595. Look, it's the captain.

596. Captain! Captain!

597. Fellow scientists, poindexters, geeks,

598. prepare to be confounded.

599. Prepare to be amazed.

600. Prepare to...

601. Wait a second. What's this?

602. What's this?

603. Stop!

604. I am the world's leading doctor,

605. and I declare the science you are doing is too shocking by half.

606. Dr. Albino,

607. are you saying that those of a nervous disposition should leave immediately,

608. in case the sheer unexpected remarkableness of my discovery

609. should cause their hearts to explode?

610. I am.

611. Well, science lovers, you have been warned.

612. This is our most educational adventure ever.

613. Back from the dead.

614. Back from beyond the grave.

615. Back to astound you all.

616. The ninth wonder of the world.

617. She's travelled halfway across the globe to be here tonight.

618. Here's Polly!

619. It's a dodo.

620. By Jove.

621. That is astounding!

622. An actual dodo!

623. Makes electricity look like a pile of crap.

624. The Royal Society's prize

625. for best scientific discovery...

626. I hope it's not a cheque.

627. Is awarded to...

628. Have you any idea what the sterling-doubloon

629. exchange rate is these days?

630. the Scientist Captain.

631. Thank you, thank you.

632. You're too kind.

633. Please stop. Enough. Thank you.

634. Thank you.

635. Is that it?

636. Oh, no.

637. - Good. - You also get

638. this leather-bound set of encyclopaedias.

639. Excuse me just one moment. Thank you.

640. Okay, Chuck.

641. Now, I like encyclopaedias as much as the next man,

642. but they're not exactly gonna help me win Pirate of the Year, are they?

643. Where's the booty?

644. Booty? What booty?

645. The prize! The "untold riches," remember?

646. Perhaps I didn't explain.

647. It's not all about money.

648. No, the real prize is...

649. Her Royal Majesty, the Empress of India,

650. Ruler of the Kingdom of Java...

651. - ... a personal audience with... - ... Defender of the Faith,

652. - Queen Victoria! - Queen Victoria

653. herself.

654. Scientist Captain,

655. congratulations.

656. What a tremendous discovery.

657. Your... Your Majesty.

658. And who are these charming fellows?

659. - Well, this is my crew. - By which he means lab assistant crew.

660. Yes, yes. I'm using "crew" in the street sense.

661. Yo.

662. And I'm Charles Darwin, Your Majesty.

663. I helped find the dodo.

664. Yes, whatever.

665. But where has your delightful creature disappeared to?

666. Resting, ma'am. Hidden away.

667. I only let her out for the big performance, I'm afraid.

668. In case sinister forces should try to make off with her, you see.

669. Sinister forces?

670. Dean

671. Well, we have a wonderful petting zoo at the palace

672. where Polly would be quite safe.

673. Perhaps we could

674. take her off your hands.

675. I'm sorry, ma'am, but that's out of the question.

676. But she'd have a lovely time.

677. There are guinea pigs and a donkey.

678. No, no, I couldn't, ma'am.

679. Not even for little old me?

680. No, no, no, I'm afraid not, ma'am.

681. No, you see, there is nothing more important to a pirate

682. than his trusted dodo.

683. She is the feathery heart and soul of the boat.

684. Did you say...

685. "pirate"?

686. Pirate? No, no, no, no, no.

687. Scientist.

688. Yes, good old, good old science. Can't get enough of it.

689. Mixing stuff together.

690. You know, test tube tubing and Bunsen burning.

691. See?

692. He's no scientist!

693. He's a Girl Guide!

694. He's no Girl Guide!

695. - He's a pirate! - Pirate!

696. Hang on, hang on.

697. There's been some kind of mistake. Some...

698. Some silly mistake. Whoa, laddies!

699. Stop, stop. I can explain.

700. Your Majesty.

701. He's hidden the dodo.

702. If you chop his head off now,

703. we might never find out where.

704. Wait a mo.

705. One doesn't know why.

706. Perhaps it's his luxuriant beard or his gleaming teeth

707. or the way he smells faintly of coconuts.

708. But we have taken a shine to this pirate.

709. Do you have a name, pirate captain?

710. They call me the Pirate Captain.

711. Well, Pirate Captain,

712. we hereby pardon you of your piratical crimes.

713. You will stay in London, Pirate Captain,

714. and entertain us with your stories and your wit.

715. And especially

716. your dear little dodo.

717. Hell's barnacles.

718. Can we please get out of here now?

719. That was a bit close for comfort, Number Two.

720. I will get you the dodo, Your Majesty.

721. See that you do, Mr Darwin.

722. Captain?

723. Captain! Captain!

724. Hurry up, lads, chop-chop.

725. Let's get back to sea where we belong.

726. Ave, ave, Captain!

727. I told you coming to London was a bad idea.

728. The sooner I get the smell of brine in my...

729. Captain!

730. Captain!

731. Whoa!

732. You're not leaving, surely?

733. I most certainly am.

734. You've let me down badly, Charles.

735. Look! Look!

736. - Also, to be frank... - Captain...

737. your nose is too small for your face.

738. But you're the toast of London Town.

739. I say, look at that.

740. They've really captured my eyes.

741. We were hoping you might come out for a little

742. celebration before you go.

743. We don't want to miss the tide, Captain.

744. - No, no, no. Quite right, quite right. - Captain,

745. do join us, please?

746. I'll just stop for a quick one. Rude to refuse.

747. - But it's Ham Night. - I'll be 20 minutes.

748. Half an hour tops.

749. Just get her... Get her warmed up without me.

750. Aren't we going yet?

751. But what about winning the Pirate of the Year

752. and showing all those other captains that he's not a loser?

753. Yoo-hoo! Come along, Captain.

754. Captain...

755. - Cheers! - Good evening.

756. Thank you. Thank you so very much.

757. - Captain... - And your name is?

758. Miss Jane Austen.

759. And that, and that is why, in a straight fight,

760. a shark would probably beat a Dracula.

761. Jane Austen, feel free to use it in one of your books.

762. Pirate Captain, you are a born raconteur.

763. So much better than the last chap we all went doolally over.

764. You've all been terribly kind.

765. Do run along.

766. Another drink, Captain?

767. Cheers, Chuck.

768. I say, you're not

769. - related in some way, are you? - Pardon?

770. It's just you, sort of...

771. Well, no, no, nothing, nothing, nothing.

772. Cheers.

773. Do you know what I've discovered, Charles?

774. The friends you make after you've become famous

775. are better, truer friends

776. than the ones you've had for years beforehand.

777. So very wise.

778. But the lads will think I'm a fool.

779. No. A fool, you?

780. You're an intellectual giant.

781. Just look at how you managed to keep Polly safe

782. from those sinister forces.

783. Yes, I did do that, didn't I?

784. You did.

785. And wherever she's hidden,

786. I bet it's somewhere really ingenious.

787. It is rather.

788. You'll never guess where.

789. Well, no, why, you're too smart for me, Captain.

790. Right under everyone's noses.

791. Or right under my noses, anyhow.

792. Ta-da!

793. You've been keeping Polly in your beard?

794. Actually, I keep all sorts in here.

795. I'm sorry about this, Captain.

796. About what?

797. What the... What's the monkey-man playing at?

798. This patently isn't even a real...

799. Come back here, you lubbers!

800. Sorry, Your Reverence.

801. Got you, you rogue!

802. Yeah, that's rather nice.

803. Neptune's lips, what are you up to?

804. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's not my fault.

805. What do you mean "not your fault"?

806. You steal Polly, you shoot my best hat full of holes.

807. Well, go on, then.

808. Explain yourself.

809. There's this girl.

810. I'm hopelessly smitten with her.

811. I'm listening.

812. I know how partial she is to exotic animals,

813. and I thought if I could get her the dodo,

814. then she might like me.

815. I'm so ashamed.

816. Why didn't you say so?

817. We've all done stupid things to impress girls.

818. Yeah, you should act aloof.

819. They love it when you act aloof.

820. Still, must be quite a girl for you to go to all that trouble.

821. She is quite a girl.

822. Kraken's biscuits!

823. Mr Darwin.

824. Honestly, Charles.

825. It's the bun. The bun really does it for me.

826. And I see you've brought a friend.

827. How delightful.

828. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to...

829. Oh, get a grip, man. You couldn't manage one tiny task, could you?

830. It's pathetic.

831. Listen, Captain, I can see I've gone about this all wrong.

832. You see, I might have the body of a weak and feeble woman,

833. but I have the heart and soul of a person who really, really wants that dodo.

834. I seem to recall that you piratical types have a bit of a soft spot for shiny things.

835. Or am I getting you muddled up with magpies?

836. I couldn't.

837. I mean, Polly, she's a family...

838. Come now, Captain, it's so simple.

839. Polly here could live like a queen at my petting zoo,

840. and you... Well...

841. With treasure like this,

842. you could be famed across the seven seas.

843. Captain.

844. Polly's not for sale.

845. You? Win Pirate of the Year?

846. You're a shoo-in, sir.

847. There's not a pirate on the seven seas can match you.

848. But what about winning Pirate of the Year

849. and showing all those other captains that you're not a loser?

850. Loser... Loser...

851. I'm a floating head.

852. So, Captain,

853. are you going to do the right thing?

854. I'm sailing out on the ocean

855. Out on the deep blue sea

856. 20 minutes, he said.

857. Didn't he say 20 minutes?

858. Don't worry, lads.

859. He probably just got caught up,

860. you know,

861. battling a giant squid or something.

862. Well, come on, you lubbers!

863. It's him!

864. I told you!

865. I... I told you he wouldn't let us down.

866. Hello, boys.

867. Miss me?

868. I'm having a mirage.

869. But... How?

870. Good question, Number Two.

871. I stole it all in a daring raid on the Tower of London.

872. You stole all this from the Tower of London?

873. That's right.

874. Then I burnt it to the ground, wrestled a bear,

875. and I kissed a princess for good measure.

876. Well, what are you waiting for? Don't just stand there like porpoises.

877. There's a trophy with our names on it!

878. Set a course for Blood Island!

879. Avast, me hearties!

880. And welcome to the 59th Annual Pirate of the Year Awards!

881. This is the ticket, eh, Number Two?

882. Please, please, please, can't Polly come out now?

883. Best not.

884. She's still very tired.

885. - And here is your host for the evening... - Shush.

886. The Pirate King!

887. Hello, Pirates!

888. Hello, Pirate King!

889. Any lubbers in tonight?

890. No!

891. Behind you!

892. I'm Queen Victoria!

893. And I hate pirates!

894. Come on, cheer up.

895. And now, you swabs,

896. this is the big one.

897. The nominees for Pirate of the Year are as follows:

898. Black Bellamy.

899. Cutlass Liz.

900. Peg-Leg Hastings.

901. And a surprise late entry,

902. the Pirate Captain!

903. The panel of independent judges

904. have counted each pirate's booty and declared

905. that this year's winner is

906. the Pirate Captain!

907. Excuse me!

908. Excuse me.

909. Listen, this is all very moving.

910. I'm welling up here, but...

911. Bellamy, this is most irregular!

912. So is this!

913. It seems Queen Victoria has pardoned the Pirate Captain.

914. No!

915. So what if she did?

916. If you've been pardoned,

917. then, technically, you're no longer a pirate.

918. And if you're no longer a pirate,

919. you really can't be Pirate of the Year,

920. now, can you?

921. - No, you can't! - That's right!

922. Is this true?

923. Well, that's one, frankly, rather negative way of looking at it.

924. Villainous treachery!

925. Treacherous villainy!

926. You have betrayed the pirating fraternity.

927. But, Pirate King...

928. Your pirate hat and coat!

929. Your pirate badge with googly eyes.

930. And your World of Hooks discount card.

931. Confiscate his treasure!

932. Every last bit of it.

933. Begone! May your lubber shame bear down upon you.

934. You are hereby banished from Blood Island!

935. You are a pirate no more!

936. And stay out!

937. Yes, well, not a... Not a total success.

938. We don't need them and their stupid awards.

939. The best thing about being a pirate isn't the treasure.

940. - It's the cutlasses. - It's Ham Night.

941. It's Polly.

942. Where is Polly, Captain?

943. What do you mean? You know where she is.

944. She's been upset enough.

945. Captain...

946. Okay, okay.

947. I sold her to Queen Victoria for a boatload of treasure.

948. There, I've said it.

949. Well, come on. She was just a parrot.

950. I mean, she wasn't even a parrot.

951. Always weeing on the boat's carpets, biting everyone.

952. She gave half of us tetanus, for goodness sake.

953. But she was our Polly.

954. Well, you know, you should be happy for her.

955. She'll be, she'll be living the high life.

956. Eating gold bricks wrapped up in, you know, swans.

957. Well, where are you swabs going? Come on.

958. Well, we'll have an adventure somewhere tropical with those native ladies

959. whose outfits don't leave much to the imagination.

960. Looks like it's just you and me now, eh, Number Two?

961. Good old inseparable you and me.

962. Us two against the world, eh?

963. Yeah?

964. Like serrano ham and,

965. you know, that other kind of ham.

966. Arrr.

967. You can't always just say "arrr" at the end of a sentence

968. and think that makes everything all right.

969. Fine. Fine, go on, then. Go.

970. Go!

971. It's not like I need any of you, anyway.

972. See if I care.

973. See if I care.

974. You're too late.

975. She's gone.

976. Charles?

977. Is that you?

978. What are you doing here?

979. We're tramps now. It's not unlike being a scientist, but...

980. with less experiments and more drinking your own sweat.

981. But where's Polly? Why isn't she in her cage?

982. It's too horrible.

983. "Banquet for world leaders"?

984. I've been a fool for love.

985. Victoria never wanted Polly for her petting zoo.

986. "Terrine of Tiger, Black Rhino Ragout,

987. "Panda Face Fritters"?

988. I've discovered the Queen is a member of a terrible secret

989. dining society.

990. Kings, queens, emperors from around the world,

991. they meet on her flagship, the QV1,

992. to eat the rarest and most endangered creatures they can find.

993. This year, the highlight is...

994. "Dodo a I'Orange"?

995. She's going to eat Polly?

996. It's all my fault.

997. I'm an awful human being. I'll never get a girlfriend.

998. Now pull yourself together, man.

999. Now listen, Charles, we've all done something unforgivable.

1000. I've betrayed my pirate honour,

1001. you've betrayed science, and Mr Bobo's betrayed the animal kingdom.

1002. - We've got to rescue her. - Us?

1003. Against the crowned heads of the world on an impregnable warship?

1004. It's impossible odds!

1005. It's only impossible if you stop to think about it.

1006. Come on, we didn't evolve from slugs

1007. just to sit here drinking our own sweat, now, did we?

1008. Are you with us, Mr Bobo?

1009. Oh, I say.

1010. Well, pah!

1011. We can do without the monkey-man.

1012. Sorry, what was that about slugs?

1013. No time for that now. Come on.

1014. Prepare to be boarded, nerds.

1015. It's true! You can see down ladies' tops.

1016. Keep pedalling, Charles.

1017. Help!

1018. Neptune's nostrils. Not a thing.

1019. Where the devil can she be?

1020. Captain?

1021. Pedal faster, Chuck!

1022. But how on earth do we get on board?

1023. This might sting a bit.

1024. I really don't...

1025. Catch hold of something!

1026. Good man.

1027. How do you like my pygmy elephant nuggets, Your Majesty?

1028. They're good, but not quite

1029. rare enough for my tastes.

1030. Not rare enough?

1031. Only three have been seen in the last 50 years.

1032. As many as three?

1033. Well, well.

1034. Just wait until you see what I've got for the main course.

1035. Gaston?

1036. Gaston?

1037. Are you there?

1038. Oui, Your Majesty.

1039. Gaston, I think

1040. - we're ready. - Neptune's teeth.

1041. There's not a moment to lose. We've got to find that kitchen.

1042. But it's hopeless. Where do we even start to...

1043. So that's why I reckon, in a straight fight, a shark

1044. - would probably beat a Dracula. - No!

1045. Course, a Frankenstein versus a jellyfish,

1046. well, that's a different matter.

1047. All clear, Chuck.

1048. Chuck?

1049. It's all right, Charles, I'm coming!

1050. - Don't worry, I'll just... - Charles?

1051. Just... Just hang on!

1052. Charles?

1053. Poseidon's lips!

1054. Are you all right, Charles?

1055. Hey, you there!

1056. What are you doing here?

1057. Well, now. Excellent question.

1058. All exotic animals should have been delivered to the chef by now.

1059. - What? - What is it?

1060. Some sort of duck?

1061. Yes, yes. That's it, yes.

1062. Quack, quack.

1063. Hurry up, then. Kitchen's that way.

1064. Yeah, come away! Go on.

1065. Quack, quack.

1066. Here we go, my Pretty-

1067. It's time to be...

1068. délicieux!

1069. Mon dieu!

1070. Polly, come to Daddy.

1071. I'm sorry, old girl.

1072. I will never, ever leave you again. I promise.

1073. I will never leave you.

1074. Perhaps we'd best make a move.

1075. Yes, yes, yes, of course. Back to the balloon.

1076. Gaston?

1077. Gaston?

1078. Hello?

1079. Captain. No.

1080. Hello, Your Majesty.

1081. The dodo is coming tout de suite.

1082. - This really isn't wise. - Claudette est dans la bibliotheque.

1083. Please, I think we...

1084. But you know, Your Majesty, you cannot hurry the cooking.

1085. Is a very delicate recipe, uh?

1086. And the dodo is a very fattening dish.

1087. Perhaps is not so good for you.

1088. And, you know, the calories, they will go straight to your chubby thighs.

1089. - Captain. - A minute on the lips

1090. is a lifetime on the...

1091. Zut alors!

1092. Well, well.

1093. Pirate Captain.

1094. Here you are again. And...

1095. Oh, my.

1096. Is that Mr Darwin behind those feathers?

1097. Hello.

1098. What a delightfully unexpected surprise.

1099. You know, I think, secretly...

1100. I've always loved you, Charles.

1101. Gosh.

1102. Really?

1103. No!

1104. Give me my dodo!

1105. Now, come on, Vickie, be sensible.

1106. It's just you, a tiny queen,

1107. against me, a dashing terror of the high seas.

1108. En garde!

1109. Oh, dear!

1110. Poor defenceless me.

1111. What is a girl to do?

1112. Now, steady on.

1113. Now careful.

1114. Do you know why I really hate pirates?

1115. Childhood trauma, was it?

1116. Bitten by a pirate when you were a baby?

1117. Beard envy?

1118. It's because you're out-of-date.

1119. You're dinosaurs!

1120. All that "romance of the seas" guff!

1121. Right, where were we?

1122. Look at you.

1123. You should be extinct.

1124. Along with your little friend!

1125. Pity you can't eat pirates, really.

1126. But you'd probably taste of barnacles.

1127. Whereas, dear little Polly here is going to be

1128. absolutely delicious!

1129. Mr Bobo?

1130. Give me back my dinner!

1131. - Captain, catch! - Number Two!

1132. Sorry, Vickie.

1133. Dodo is off the menu.

1134. No, no, stop!

1135. Stop!

1136. Stop!

1137. I'm being squashed by giant barrels of vinegar!

1138. Good work, Chuck.

1139. Number Two, what are you doing here?

1140. How did you find me? Where are the lads?

1141. Don't worry, they're on the case.

1142. It's all thanks to Mr Bobo here.

1143. He rowed halfway across the ocean to tell us what you were up to.

1144. And, you know, I figured you

1145. tend to end up wrapped in sausages facing certain death

1146. at about this point in an adventure.

1147. Yes.

1148. Yeah.

1149. Yes.

1150. Listen, Number Two, I...

1151. I realise I let you down.

1152. Sorry.

1153. I let everybody down.

1154. You know, I've...

1155. Well, I've done some pretty appalling things in my piratical career.

1156. Like that time I used babies as squid bait.

1157. Or that other time I thought it would be

1158. okay to let a turtle drive the boat.

1159. But the thing is...

1160. I mean, what I'm trying to say is...

1161. You decided to single-handedly take on Queen Victoria's flagship,

1162. in order to rescue Polly.

1163. Yes, I'm afraid I did.

1164. That's terrifically idiotic.

1165. Yes.

1166. It's also the reason why me and the lads,

1167. Well, we Still think

1168. you're the best pirate on the seven sea...

1169. Gadzooks!

1170. No!

1171. Polly!

1172. Oh, no, you don't.

1173. Captain?

1174. Kiss your beaky little friend goodbye.

1175. That's it, Polly. Snip-snip.

1176. Come on, little dodo. Bitey-bite.

1177. The dumpy lady's got Polly!

1178. Snip-Snip

1179. Bite it!

1180. Bite it, you stupid bird!

1181. Bite it!

1182. No!

1183. My dodo!

1184. Polly!

1185. My dinner!

1186. Barnacles.

1187. Well done, sir.

1188. Hey!

1189. Wah-hey, Captain!

1190. Fair play to you, sir.

1191. Wah-hey!

1192. This is our most unexpectedly heartwarming adventure ever.

1193. You'll swing for this! Curse you!

1194. And after you've done swinging, I'll chop your head off!

1195. I'll put it in a cannon and fire it into the sun!

1196. Does that mean he's not pardoned any more?

1197. "Pardoned"?

1198. You'll be outlawed across the globe!

1199. There'll be a higher price on your head than any pirate before you!

1200. The whole world will know your name!

1201. Welcome back,

1202. Captain.

1203. - See ya! - Bye!

1204. Bye-bye!

1205. Well, it's been a pleasure, Charles.

1206. Good luck with the science.

1207. - Thank you, Captain. - And just a little tip,

1208. grow yourself a beard.

1209. It'll make your face look less lumpy.

1210. 100,000 doubloons.

1211. Not bad, eh, Mr Bobo?

1212. That... I...

1213. - Is this a bit of squid tentacle? - Yeah.

1214. And that's my earwax.

1215. I keep telling you, it's never been about the trophies or the treasure.

1216. It's about who you are, inside.

1217. I say, you're not...

1218. Not a woman disguised as a man, are you, Number Two?

1219. No.

1220. Because that does happen surprisingly often at sea.

1221. Well, come on, you coves.

1222. Those treasure chests won't plunder themselves.

1223. Hoist the flag!

1224. Ave, ave, Captain!

1225. Set a course for adventure!

1226. You see? I told you.

1227. Didn't I tell you?

1228. Just added on for decoration, my foot.