The People's Joker (2024)

1. - Heaven's prison. - Come see them.

2. - Grape taste.

3. I've never seen something like this.

4. Get it.

5. - A noticeable difference

6. from the cyber war, Lois,

7. is the number of extremists dressed as clowns.

8. Is your sad wife making it difficult

9. for you to enjoy golf?

10. Once daily Smylex can help.

11. Do you know what this movement

12. is really about?

13. The transsexual reptilian agenda.

14. - I always told her

15. to smile more, now she's smiling more.

16. Smylex can cause loss of blood from the eyes.

17. - And I'd bet dollars

18. to donuts that sick clown, Joker, the Harlequin,

19. as that thing calls itself,

20. is a Manchurian candidate

21. activated by the globalists

22. that are actually pulling the strings.

23. Folks, you know I've been critical of Bruce Wayne

24. and the homosexual leftist dystopia that he

25. and that facially bifurcated bitch running mate of his

26. want to reduce this country to,

27. but I stand here today pleading, where on earth is Batman?

28. And when will he stop this madness?

29. That laugh was a six, I need you at an 11.

30. Goddammit.

31. I need everybody at home

32. to think you are laughing so hard

33. you are pissing in your pants, - Cue the opening titles.

34. - you little piss freaks. - We go live in

35. 10. - Live from Downtown Gotham,

36. it's "UCB Live!"

37. As far back as I can remember,

38. I always wanted to be a Joker.

39. In the days before the American Dream sputtered

40. its last breath, the most a kid could hope for

41. in the Midwest was a two parent household and basic cable.

42. Technically, I had both.

43. Don't sit so close to the TV, you'll go blind.

44. At least I had cable

45. 'cause honey you should be smiling more.

46. - Live from Downtown Gotham,

47. it's "UCB Live"

48. with TJ Stiller,

49. Bil Sabatino,

50. Senator Al Franken,

51. Ra's al Ghul,

52. and The Harlequins,

53. with musical guest, Sinead O'Connor.

54. Please welcome tonight's host, - I can't believe

55. this show is still on. - President Lex Luther.

56. - Live from

57. the United Clown Bureau in downtown Gotham City,

58. it's "UCB!"

59. , what in God's name are you doing?

60. What have I told you about jumping on the bed?

61. You could fall, break your neck, be paralyzed for life,

62. is that what you want?

63. No, I was just trying to-

64. You were just trying to split your head open?

65. No, Mama, I just wanted-

66. You wanted to bleed out all over the floor

67. for me to find you, is that it?

68. Unbelievable.

69. I'm sorry, Mama.

70. Honestly, a little jumping on the bed

71. should have been the least of my mother's concerns

72. 'cause, you know, I'm a, I'm trans,

73. and she just, you know, she didn't know that at that point.

74. There isn't one moment where I,

75. I, like, realized I was transgender.

76. I mean, do cis people have one specific moment

77. where they realized they were cis?

78. I mean, I don't know, maybe you do.

79. I, I'm not gonna ask you

80. 'cause it's none of my business,

81. and it's none of your business.

82. Anyway, uh, when I figured out I was trans,

83. but when I look back on my life,

84. it's this, like, blurry cracked mosaic

85. of, of, of all these tiny

86. but very important gender revelations.

87. But who could have predicted that the most important

88. of which would happen when my mom took me

89. to see a movie about everybody's favorite orphan.

90. - The cyber war

91. is officially over and the movies are back, baby.

92. What you're about to see is my first collab

93. with Queebso Entertainment.

94. The story of a man,

95. a Batman,

96. and a city infested with cyber mutants.

97. Val Kilmer plays me.

98. What is it about the wrong kinda man?

99. Mm.

100. You know how I feel about rubber nipples, Bruce.

101. I imagine when most little boys

102. watched the Bat-nipple love scene

103. from "Legends of the Caped Crusader,"

104. they probably wanted to be Batman and screw Nicole Kidman,

105. I'm sure this was a sexual awakening for a lot of young men.

106. But I watched it and I wanted to be Nicole Kidman.

107. Was this why my mom didn't usually

108. let me watch PG-13 movies?

109. Does every PG-13 movie make little boys

110. wanna become girls someday?

111. It took years of moments like this

112. before the thought of transitioning even entered my head.

113. But, I mean, can you blame me?

114. When I was growing up, the only people I saw on TV

115. that went from jokemen to harlequin, so to speak,

116. were, at best, dead bodies

117. or sex workers on police procedurals.

118. You mean she's a he?

119. - Or they were treated like

120. sideshow freaks on daytime talk shows.

121. - Creeper, creeper, creeper!

122. Our next guest claims to be a woman

123. trapped in a man's body.

124. - Oh, (beep) you!

125. you, I'm not here to entertain you.

126. Okay, I'm not your (beep) clown.

127. Mama, uh, can I ask you a question?

128. Sure.

129. Uh, was I born in the wrong body?

130. What did you just say?

131. Uh, I asked, was I born in the wrong body?

132. How could you just ask me that?

133. Uh, I, I don't know.

134. How is that supposed to make your mother feel?

135. I'm really sorry.

136. No, Mama,

137. where are you going?

138. You are very sick, (beep),

139. I've been worried about you for a long time,

140. we are finally gonna make you better.

141. Ah, you must be , I am Dr. Crane.

142. Ah, come on in, let's broaden our minds, huh?

143. So why don't you tell me a little bit about yourself

144. and how you've been feeling lately?

145. He's delusional.

146. He says things like he thinks he's inside the wrong body.

147. I don't think that.

148. Then why did you say it?

149. Well, why would you say something

150. that you don't think, (beep)?

151. I don't know, I guess,

152. I just sometimes don't feel like a boy.

153. Oh, God, something is wrong with his brain.

154. - Yeah. - I hear him crying all night.

155. I don't know where he gets that from.

156. Do you cry all night?

157. - Not every night. - I never cry.

158. His father certainly never cries, not even once, never has.

159. Do you see how your crying impacts your mother?

160. Tell him.

161. It makes me feel like I've failed.

162. It makes me feel like I'm a bad mother.

163. Hmm.

164. Did you know that you were hurting your mother in this way?

165. - No.

166. I just want my happy little boy back.

167. Mama, I can try and be happy again.

168. I promise to never tell you

169. that I'm in the wrong body anymore.

170. I promise I'll never even tell you if I'm sad.

171. Please, Dr. Crane.

172. - Fear not,

173. for I have developed an experimental treatment

174. that's designed to help sad little boys like (beep) here.

175. Maybe sad is the wrong word.

176. - Yeah, hush, little one. - Maybe it's something else.

177. Oh, you'll be mama's happy little boy in no time.

178. What is this?

179. It works like magic.

180. How are you feeling, honey?

181. Are you happy now?

182. Yes, Mama, are you?

183. Yes.

184. I heard a lot of other

185. trans chicks also describe their childhoods

186. as a hazy blackout.

187. It didn't help that I spent mine

188. dulled by the dark purple haze of Smylex.

189. But maybe it was for the best.

190. And as incidents of extreme violence

191. and increased reports of people with strange abilities

192. pop up more. - Can you explain these

193. foolish guzzling chicken hawks.

194. You will not silence the silent-

195. The White House has confirmed

196. that President Lex Luther has passed away

197. from a diarrhea-related overdose in a Russian piss bar.

198. This is coming on the heels

199. of signing Senator Gilda Dent's Bill

200. outlawing all non-Queebso content.

201. - And you wouldn't be shocked

202. to find out that I learned

203. at a young age I could use trash TV

204. to distract me. - Video girl bosses

205. compete for the chance at a reduced sentence and true love.

206. And whenever I ran out

207. of shows, all I had to do was put on a happy face.

208. Smylex may also be used

209. to break up- - But thank God

210. I had Smylex to numb me through my adolescence,

211. because for women like me,

212. first puberty can feel like being strapped

213. into the passenger seat of a car

214. that's barreling towards a brick wall

215. faster and faster and faster.

216. There was no way my meathead friends would understand.

217. Look, man, are you telling me that you're a fag?

218. 'Cause if you're gonna tell me that you're a fag,

219. I don't think I can handle it.

220. No, I am not a fag, okay?

221. It's so funny that you would even like joke about that

222. because if I were, I mean, if I were a fag,

223. I would probably be, you know, like,

224. just,

225. look, I'm a fag.

226. Me a faggot? Get real.

227. It was from that day onward

228. that I learned I didn't just need Smylex

229. to repress my trans femininity.

230. Can you even imagine a penis near my mouth?

231. I could use comedy to repress it, too.

232. Put that down!

233. That's not a mushroom. - Oh!

234. - It's a penis. - So why not follow

235. in the footsteps of the greatest comedian who ever lived?

236. Ra's al Ghul.

237. I wanna talk about your new movie,

238. uh, it comes out next Friday.

239. - I know, how original,

240. I was inspired

241. by the most prolific

242. and successful jokeman of our modern age.

243. - I love my wife. - But my appreciation

244. for Ra's went beyond just the blockbuster hits.

245. I loved his podcast.

246. I mean, the dude recorded it from his garage.

247. How cool is that?

248. Have a good week, I-don't-give-a-shitters.

249. - I even loved the biannual

250. Ra's al Ghul human papillomavirus Memorial Day telethons.

251. I watched them every year,

252. but it didn't get any better than his tenure on "UCB Live."

253. Girls like to saute their boyfriend's penis

254. with oral water

255. from the tongue.

256. - Ra's taught me

257. that it didn't matter that I was a shitty miserable person,

258. all I had to do was become a comedian

259. because comedians are shitty miserable people.

260. So when I finally had saved up enough money,

261. I set course for Gotham City.

262. All right, it's the last box, I'm gonna head out soon.

263. Is dad still not home?

264. Uh, um, no, uh, maybe just call him from the road.

265. Are you sure you wanna do this?

266. There's still time to change your mind.

267. I, I know they're hiring at LexCorp Fertilizing Plant

268. down the street.

269. I've thought a lot about this, I'm, I'm sure, Mama.

270. Oh, God, okay.

271. Well, please,

272. be careful.

273. Gotham City is nothing but neon biker gangs,

274. leather freaks, and cross-dressers.

275. And you mark my words, because I will not be there

276. when, (stammers) if you fall.

277. I love you, too.

278. I got myself a shitty apartment.

279. It was shitty but it was mine,

280. not that anything really belonged

281. to the people of Gotham that summer.

282. Today marks the one-year anniversary

283. of Bruce Wayne retiring the Cape and Cowl.

284. Aw, I'm still heartbroken, Clark, I miss Batman.

285. - But criminals beware,

286. the Cape Crusader has partnered

287. with Wayne Enterprises on an all-new Batdrone.

288. Not only does it broadcast quality Queebso content

289. and facially identify anyone breaking the law

290. and shoot them on site,

291. they also come in rainbow for Pride.

292. - But I didn't care,

293. I moved to Gotham City for one thing.

294. Hello, I'm here to audition

295. for "UCB." - The door down the hall.

296. Oh, all right.

297. Please state your name.

298. Welcome (beep) to the "UCB" audition system.

299. I'll need to collect your biometric data

300. to make sure you meet our system requirements.

301. Okay.

302. - Brain scanned: Malleable.

303. Suitable for comedy reeducation.

304. Liver scanned: Damaged.

305. Substance abuse approved and encouraged.

306. Penis scanned. - Whoa, what does "UCB" need

307. to know my penis size for? - Five inches.

308. Just small enough to be desperate for external approval.

309. That's a fair point, I can see why

310. you need to know that. - Sex determined,

311. subject male.

312. Potential for success

313. in mainstream comedy:

314. High.

315. Audition complete.

316. Welcome to the "UCB" cast.

317. That's it, you don't wanna see my act or anything?

318. You're just gonna scan my dong

319. and then move on? - Please proceed forward

320. for further instructions.

321. Welcome to the "United Clown Bureau."

322. It takes a little bit from every other

323. art form out there. - It's a place where you,

324. you can say you're proud of. - We have what are called

325. gag sessions, where we all sit around

326. and gag each other. - As one of our

327. newest students, you are now part

328. of a 150-year-old esoteric tradition of sketch comedy

329. and improvisation.

330. Does it smell like blood in here?

331. It definitely smells like blood in here.

332. Hi, I'm Lorne Michaels.

333. In the coming months, you will complete level one

334. of our simple class structure,

335. or, as we like to call it, Cube.

336. Cube one consists of levels one through eight.

337. Then your first round of level 16.

338. Cube one is fun.

339. Geez, I feel like I'm joining the Illuminati

340. or something. - It is a little

341. pyramid schemey. - Cube two,

342. Hyper Cube.

343. Where you'll complete- - But it is everything

344. I've ever wanted.

345. - Look backwards,

346. following an evaluation of your ability to be on game

347. and date your teachers.

348. You will then complete level 16

349. for the second time by paying your full tuition fee

350. of $15,000. - 15 grand?

351. Is there, like, financial aid for this or something?

352. And don't worry, girls,

353. you'll play a role, too.

354. As stated in "UCB" Training Center's Handbook

355. of Comedy and Gender,

356. females are invited to pay full tuition

357. to earn the designation of Harlequin.

358. Harlequins hold the estimable task

359. of dancing sexy, having boobs,

360. and, of course, laughing at the jokeman's jokes.

361. Don't forget,

362. "UCB" is the only training center

363. in the country where you can get Queebso-certified

364. to perform comedy legally in the United States.

365. Punishable by death. - Jokemen and harlequins,

366. please put your hands together for "UCB's" finest jokeman,

367. Ra's al Ghul.

368. I didn't know this was happening, did you know

369. this was happening? - Nah, it's a bit

370. of a surprise. - They should have announced

371. this beforehand because people Ra's!

372. can get really excited and really like-

373. It's cool, but you gotta be cool.

374. You're right, I'm sorry.

375. Now that I'm done looking at everybody's dick measurements

376. In the interest of not wasting anybody's time,

377. I'm gonna tell you right now,

378. I'm not gonna teach you how to be funny.

379. No, I'm gonna teach you how to be honest.

380. I need three volunteers to get up here on stage.

381. You, you, and you.

382. Yes, you right there, next to the penguin.

383. - Yeah! (claps) Oh, wow. - Here at the United

384. Clown Bureau, we live by the principle yes, and,

385. that means whatever you're scene partner says to you,

386. you must never deny it.

387. Now let's practice, Jokeman, start the scene.

388. Hey, uh, are you the stripper?

389. Uh, no.

390. Try again. Remember the yes, and principle.

391. Hey, uh, are you the stripper?

392. Yes, and I want to S your D.

393. Whoa.

394. - Great work.

395. You there, what are you doing?

396. Support your scene partner.

397. Step forward. - Hmm?

398. I said step forward.

399. Oh, I thought I did, um, okay.

400. I'll be your scene partner, are you ready?

401. - Yes. - Start the scene, Jokeman.

402. Um,

403. so this is a, um, well, uh,

404. dinner's almost ready.

405. Yes, Mama, and I only wanna make you happy.

406. - Um. (exhales sharply) Uh.

407. Yeah, uh.

408. What do I say?

409. Come on, student, it's your turn.

410. Yeah, uh, yes, and, yes, and, Mama,

411. no, I'm mama,

412. your (beep) or your, uh.

413. Yes, and, yes, and.

414. Yes, and. - Jokeman, we got another

415. seven hours. - Yes, and.

416. Yes, and. Yes, and.

417. Yes, and. Whoa!

418. Wait up!

419. Yeah. - You all right there?

420. It's like freaking weed dispensary in there, huh?

421. I feel like I swallowed a fishbone.

422. Yeah, it's really smoky.

423. - Anyway, you dropped this. - Thanks.

424. We should probably get back in there,

425. you know, you don't wanna miss Hyper Cube Three.

426. Well, as much as being a jokeman

427. is a life's dream of mine, my parents cut me off last year

428. after I changed my major to think pieces.

429. Well, I'll see you later.

430. You wanna get a drink?

431. Um, I don't really drink

432. because of the medication I'm on, so.

433. Fish?

434. Yes, and.

435. - So, yeah, anyway,

436. mainstream comedy's dead.

437. It's a bunch of doofy chuds pretending their parents

438. aren't rich, telling the same Tinder jokes over and over

439. until the "UCB" lets them soft pedal propaganda.

440. True that. How about you?

441. Do you have a, an act or material yet?

442. Oh, yeah, it's mostly fish-based,

443. but catch this, as like a metaphor for larger society,

444. you know, like George Carlin, Lenny Bruce,

445. even a little bit of Louis C.K.,

446. you know, before the unpleasantness, of course.

447. Of course.

448. It's kind of an aquatic taste, but,

449. what's yours like?

450. Oh, I mean, I have an act,

451. but I've never done it out loud before,

452. I'd be way too embarrassed

453. to do it here. - This is

454. a judgment-free zone, baby.

455. Okay, uh, well, I think the joke I'm most proud of is,

456. is a dating joke, but it's not a Tinder joke.

457. So I, uh, - Oh, okay.

458. so I get up on stage

459. and, uh, I, I have a real tough time dating,

460. real, real tough time dating,

461. Squawking to the choir.

462. uh, so tough in fact that in high school,

463. my girlfriend and I had nicknames for our, uh, genitals,

464. uh, and we called her vagina,

465. um, I just don't wanna shout that

466. so loudly in the fish restaurant,

467. - Yeah. - we called her vagina

468. Treblinka.

469. And, uh, I thought it was just like a funny name.

470. Uh, and I think it's also a Say Anything song,

471. um, which is kind of problematic

472. because I'm pretty sure that the lead singer got MeToo'd.

473. It's like, why is everybody just a creep nowadays?

474. You know, this is not part of the joke.

475. Um, so we called her pussy Treblinka,

476. and then we found out

477. Treblinka was one of Hitler's concentration camps.

478. And, um, in retrospect, that kind of matched,

479. uh, her personality.

480. And, uh, her Treblinka was a quarter of an inch

481. away from her gas chamber.

482. Oh, is that the punchline?

483. Oh, I don't really do punchlines.

484. I'm more of like a, like a storyteller, like Cosby,

485. you know, but before all the unpleasantness, of course.

486. Of course. But did that really happen to you?

487. Uh, I never even had a girlfriend to be honest.

488. But if it did happen to somebody

489. and if it happened to me, it'd be pretty funny and absurd,

490. you've gotta admit. - Here's a pro tip,

491. a lotta good comedy comes from stuff

492. that actually happens to you.

493. It gets good laughs. Ha!

494. I wish there was, like, a place we could workshop

495. our material without having to kiss Lorne Michaels' ass.

496. Yeah, it just sucks that "UCB" is the only game in town.

497. You know, before the cyber wars,

498. a comedian could do like four

499. or five open mic sets every night.

500. Lucky bastards, that sounds amazing.

501. Yeah, incredible.

502. It's just not fair.

503. You shouldn't have to go through

504. a whole certification process at a secret society

505. just to be allowed to make people laugh,

506. it should be a God-given right.

507. Yeah, but who says we can't?

508. - The government. - Yeah, you look like somebody

509. who cares what the government says.

510. What I'm saying is, what if we just, like, do it?

511. We could call it anti-comedy,

512. then they wouldn't be able to arrest us.

513. I know you're joking, but that's actually a great idea.

514. Like, what if we just rent a warehouse

515. and we advertise it as anti-comedy or something?

516. You know, the government can't do shit about it.

517. Comedy can be anything, I mean, it could be bad on purpose.

518. In my case, that would be a huge help if it could be that.

519. You're not lying.

520. I mean, you heard my joke

521. about my non-existence girlfriend's vagina.

522. It wasn't- - Right, it was

523. very offensive. - Yeah. It was offensive?

524. I- - Yeah.

525. Towards women or towards

526. - Uh, the Holocaust. - the Jews?

527. Oh, okay. - Yeah, that type of stuff

528. doesn't always fly.

529. It would've flown maybe five years ago,

530. but now antisemitism on the rise.

531. After an hour or so

532. of pleading with Oswald Cobblepot Sr,

533. Penguin finally convinced his parents

534. to help us out with the down payment on a commercial space

535. in Gotham's amusement district.

536. Okay, first up is Miss. Pamela Isley.

537. Oh, uh, just Ivy, no Miss., please.

538. And they/them pronouns,

539. along with plenty of sunlight and water,

540. really make this wallflower blossom.

541. Hey, my nom de guerre's a fat flightless bird,

542. so whatever works.

543. They call him Penguin.

544. Uh, Selina Kyle.

545. Do you do jokes, or do you do riddles?

546. Riddles mostly.

547. Well, we're not trying to start a riddle theater.

548. I mean, a riddle would count as anti-comedy.

549. I wanna hear a riddle.

550. - The sun bakes them,

551. the hand breaks them, the foot treads on them,

552. and the mouth tastes them,

553. what are they?

554. Grapes!

555. My balls, of course.

556. Balls are always funny.

557. Balls are always funny. You're hired, Riddler.

558. The Red Hood Gang

559. was coming together.

560. My act, on the other hand.

561. Uh, I hated school as a kid, I'm sure a lot of us did.

562. And, uh, my mom always used to say, "You should enjoy it,

563. uh, because you're gonna have to work

564. for a living one of these days."

565. It's the least funny part of that movie.

566. "No, I won't, Mom, I'm gonna be a comedian."

567. - Boo! - Hey, screw you, Bane,

568. you were up here 15 minutes ago

569. just lifting weights for 20 minutes.

570. Yes, yes, I was.

571. Anyway, that's my time, goodnight.

572. - Oh my God, oh, yeah. - You're telling me, man.

573. Here, this will help.

574. I can't drink, my medication.

575. You're a comic, mixing prescription meds

576. and alcohol is part of the job description.

577. All right, one shot.

578. Salute.

579. Ugh, is that what alcohol tastes like?

580. - You better believe it. - Can I get another?

581. Yeah.

582. Doctor] How are you settling into the city?

583. I've met a ton of great people, ton of friends.

584. Have you found work?

585. I'm pursuing a career in standup comedy

586. 'cause I always thought

587. my life was kind of a tragedy, and, um,

588. it is.

589. It is, it's a tragic life.

590. That's good.

591. Look, I'm the one who personally infiltrated

592. Bohemian Grove 12 years ago

593. disguised as a Greek cap massage therapist.

594. If I just zeroed in on how ugly society

595. was capable of being, I could forget for one fleeting moment

596. that I had no idea who the hell I was.

597. I mean, forget gender,

598. I, I had no identity.

599. Like,

600. sometimes I wasn't even sure I existed.

601. And each morning, I just created myself.

602. And every night, I tried to smile myself to death.

603. - Remember, what's the most

604. important part of policing? - Now.

605. At least I have the Red Hood Gang.

606. I know it's cliche,

607. but, look, this is a queer coming-of-age film,

608. I needed a chosen family.

609. And as our illegal comedy theater

610. became Gotham's coolest word of mouth hipster hotspot,

611. the family was growing.

612. There was Killer Croc.

613. Mad Hatter.

614. Most everyone is mad here.

615. - Mr. Freeze. - Cool party.

616. - And you had Bob the Goon. - #Goonlife, baby.

617. And Timmy Two Times,

618. who got that nickname 'cause he used to say shit like.

619. I've gotta go do some poppers, do some poppers.

620. But that was the first night I saw him.

621. Now, the second amendment gets a bad rap

622. from other leftists, but come on.

623. I talked to him after the midnight set last night,

624. that's Jason Todd, he goes by Mr. J though.

625. Why should Punisher get to have all the fun?

626. He's really funny.

627. Do you want, I should introduce the two of you, wink wink.

628. I don't know why I would require an introduction,

629. or why you're wink winking.

630. Because you're laughing at a joke so bad

631. you wouldn't tell it.

632. And you got cartoon hearts popping outta your eyeballs.

633. I don't know what you're talking about.

634. It's okay if you like dudes.

635. I know.

636. Do you think that stuff really helps you?

637. It makes me look less sad.

638. And when I look less sad, people ask less questions.

639. You're worried about how you look

640. in front of these fish sticks?

641. Ah, now that's the laugh. - Point taken.

642. There is literally a lady named Clayface here.

643. - Turn it off!

644. Turn off your fucking alarm!

645. Ah, no.

646. I am so sorry I'm late.

647. I, uh, overslept

648. because my phone has a new operating system

649. and I don't know how to use the alarm on it.

650. Well, you smell like you're still drunk.

651. If I wasn't doped up on Smylex for 20 years,

652. I could probably have a drink every now and then.

653. What's that? You're mumbling.

654. You know, I hate it when you mumble.

655. Where's Dad? Is he, uh, in the bathroom?

656. Um, no, he is, um,

657. at a broadcasting convention in the Diamond District.

658. But he wanted to be here.

659. I haven't even gotten a call from him

660. in a year and a half, I'm sure he was dying-

661. It was your choice to move 2,000 miles away from home.

662. And I can see it's not going well.

663. What do you mean it's not going well?

664. How do you expect them to put you on TV

665. when you can't even show up sober to a brunch date

666. with your mother?

667. Well, Mom, for your information,

668. "UCB" actually encourages substance abuse.

669. But that's irrelevant

670. because I started my own comedy theater.

671. - What did you just say? - You heard me.

672. - Are you on drugs? - Only the one you put me on.

673. Comedy is illegal.

674. Yeah, I know. We're gonna call it anti-comedy.

675. What the hell does that mean?

676. Oh, well, it's, it's like, um, it's like Andy Kaufman,

677. but with, like, the meta Woody Allen thing,

678. but before the daughter stooping, of course.

679. Of course. Come home!

680. I'm sure your dad could get you a job at the station.

681. Why would I wanna work with Dad?

682. I don't understand why you're doing this to me.

683. You're being very selfish,

684. you're being very childish.

685. This whole dream of yours is very dangerous,

686. and you're childish! - You're right!

687. Okay, you're right, it's childish, I'm stupid.

688. I'm going to fail, I am going to fail, okay?

689. I will fail because I suck at comedy

690. because I'm a total junkie

691. and we all know whose fault that is.

692. What is that supposed to mean?

693. You are embarrassing me.

694. You were mentally ill, I got you help.

695. You were mentally ill!

696. I wasn't! - You were mentally ill!

697. - You were mentally ill! - You were mentally ill!

698. You were mentally ill! - I wasn't!

699. And now (thuds hands) I'm mentally ill because of it.

700. Have a great day, Mom!

701. Is there still a slot open for me tonight?

702. You got it, (beep).

703. Oh, and, uh, when you introduce me,

704. will you call me

705. Joker the Harlequin?

706. Sure, you got it.

707. So that's my time, uh, tonight, folks.

708. Uh, but just before I go, uh, riddle me this,

709. what goes zero to 60,

710. gets you laid, and tells you a new riddle every day?

711. You give up?

712. Uh, that would be Ridlr!

713. An all-new, uh, hookup/rideshare/riddle of the day app

714. that I am currently developing.

715. Uh, but it's Ridlr, R-I-D-L-R, Ridlr,

716. uh, it'll be available.

717. Thank you, thank you, thanks so much.

718. Okay, (lapping) let's give a warm round of applause

719. for the Riddler, everybody.

720. Okay, well this next act is a drag

721. in a completely different way.

722. Serving up fish.

723. I hate myself.

724. Okay, welcome to the stage, Joker the Harlequin.

725. - All right, yeah.

726. Um, hi, I'm Joker the Harlequin.

727. My pronouns are Hee and Hah. - Boo!

728. Um, for tonight's bit,

729. I will need a volunteer from the audience.

730. Yes, how about you?

731. I need for you to describe the saddest moment in your life.

732. Uh, sure, it requires a bit of setting up,

733. but I'm a botanist, or, rather, I used to be.

734. Back before the cyber war, I was working at

735. Wayne Enterprises' Aboreal Preservation Project

736. in South America.

737. Uh- - Keep going, it's fine.

738. - Uh. - When word came down

739. from corporate that going forward, our project,

740. my project,

741. the sole focus was to find a cure

742. for all the cyber mutations going on back in the states.

743. I felt like my dream of helping humanity

744. was finally beginning to bloom.

745. Yeah, just keep going, its fine.

746. But you're laughing at me.

747. Just keep going, I'm gonna keep doing this, so,

748. it's part of the bit, it's my, this is my bit.

749. Well, as you can guess, we never found a cure.

750. You were searching for a cure, never found one,

751. well, what, yeah? - I was kicked off

752. the project.

753. In a last-ditch effort to regain my clearance,

754. I thought if I could get the toxicodendron fusion just right

755. then I could find a cure. - Oh my God!

756. This is so goddamn funny, I'm gonna piss my ass.

757. - Lacking any volunteers,

758. I underwent the treatment myself.

759. The results are what you, unfortunately, see here today.

760. My tendons stretched into thick vines

761. and sealed my skin with chlorophyll, my lips with venom.

762. And do you know what Bruce Wayne was doing

763. whilst my body twisted and contorted

764. into the monotonous monster that stands before you?

765. What?

766. He was selling all of my research to the highest bidder.

767. And that, my dear Joker, was the saddest day of my life.

768. - Oh, thank you so much

769. for that.

770. That's my crab, the catch of the day.

771. Stage fright?

772. Yeah, I mean, I also just, like, come here to think

773. sometimes, this is actually where I, um,

774. come up with all my best ideas.

775. Oh, so is this where you came up

776. with the saddest story ever told bit?

777. It was so great.

778. - You watched my set? - Hell, yes.

779. It's not every day I meet someone funnier than me.

780. Well, um, I'm really glad I didn't know

781. you were in the audience

782. because, honestly, I would've been really nervous.

783. What do you mean?

784. I would've like, I don't know.

785. I would've tried to impress you to be honest.

786. Well, you impressed me without even trying.

787. I'm just so glad there's another queer in the theater.

788. Hey, what do you say, you wanna get outta the men's room?

789. Literally every single time I've ever been in one.

790. I like your tattoos, by the way.

791. Oh, thanks.

792. Did you ever meet someone who's the exact

793. same kinda crazy you are?

794. When we get married,

795. our first dance should be "Brick" by Ben Folds.

796. Oh, is it too soon to be talking about marriage?

797. No, it's, I just usually wait until date number two

798. before I start talking about abortion pop songs.

799. Can I show you something?

800. Yeah.

801. I can't believe you and Penguin opened a theater

802. in the amusement mile

803. and you haven't explored any of the rest of it.

804. It's an abandoned theme park, it reminds me of Chernobyl.

805. Exactly, what could be more romantic

806. than radioactive Soviets?

807. Okay,

808. open 'em.

809. What's wrong?

810. Nothing. Let's go in, please.

811. So, um, I don't tell this to a lotta people,

812. but, um, I'm trans.

813. What do y-

814. Oh!

815. Oh-oh,

816. oh, well, I, okay.

817. I mean, I just didn't know, I'm sorry.

818. Well, I'm not sorry.

819. It's just I didn't know,

820. and you look like, um- - The real deal?

821. I was not

822. gonna say that.

823. I mean, I was probably gonna say something worse, but.

824. Yeah.

825. I take it as a compliment.

826. I mean, I don't like buying into some sort of transphobic,

827. essentialist mindset about the two genders,

828. but I'd be a clown and a liar

829. if I said I didn't get pretty insecure on first dates.

830. Why? You're doing great.

831. I feel like sometimes other gay guys find out I'm trans

832. and they see me as belonging

833. to some other category than them.

834. You know, like they're the gay guy

835. and I am just a gay guy with an asterisk.

836. That's stupid, right?

837. Being obsessed with how others might label me.

838. Not at all, I get exactly what you're saying

839. because I love, liked you the moment I saw you.

840. I liked you the moment I saw you is what I said.

841. Um, what I'm saying is, it's hard for me

842. to even fathom being in a tunnel of love with another boy.

843. So I guess I have an asterisk too.

844. Well, exploring your queerness in your act

845. will probably bring some understanding, no?

846. Is that what I'm doing?

847. Well, I know drag was also forced back underground

848. after RuPaul's Fracking Ranch exploded

849. and killed 1,000 people,

850. but you're definitely the funniest drag queen

851. I've ever seen.

852. - Drag queen? - Oh, okay.

853. Not a drag queen, just queen of my heart.

854. That works.

855. So when did you know? - That I was trans?

856. Yeah, I'm sorry.

857. That's probably like the most annoying question

858. I could possibly ask.

859. Nah, it's fine.

860. I don't remember most of my life to be honest.

861. I just know I was in the bathtub one day

862. and I asked myself how would I be,

863. or who would I be if there were no consequences?

864. Then I realized, screw the consequences, you know?

865. I was willing to risk losing everything

866. just to finally be myself.

867. And I did lose everything.

868. My family.

869. It still hurts though.

870. - How do you mean? - Well, obviously,

871. being yourself is more important than making anybody happy,

872. even if it's your family, you could rationally

873. know that in your head, but-

874. But it doesn't matter.

875. You're right, uh, thankfully, I had an older boyfriend

876. at the time to sorta cushion the abandonment.

877. But, yeah, it still really hurts.

878. Especially since he ended up being a total creepo dick.

879. Oh, um, I've never told anybody this,

880. but I used to call suicide hotlines a lot.

881. I wasn't suicidal, not e-every time,

882. the point is, I would call suicide hotlines,

883. and my cell phone was still a Smallville area code,

884. so it would always connect me to the Kansas hotline.

885. But that was perfect because I'd ask the operator

886. what the weather was like,

887. and it, I don't know, ground me.

888. I'd think back to those cool Midwestern summer nights.

889. I guess it's like homesickness,

890. but Smallville never felt like home.

891. Basically what I'm getting at is,

892. I know we said that it was too early for us

893. to be talking about abortion pop songs.

894. Mm-hmm?

895. Is it too early for me to say that you feel like home?

896. Yeah, that's a good girl.

897. Wait, what did you just say?

898. - Oh, God. - No, no, no, it's fine.

899. I am so sorry.

900. No, don't be puddin'.

901. I'd like to be a good girl for you.

902. Were you the first one that saw me?

903. The real me?

904. Boy, do I hate giving you that credit.

905. Personally, I don't think we need effective

906. social programs in this country

907. because we have Elmo's dad to teach us

908. about racism on a Zoom call.

909. Oh my God, you were so funny,

910. the bit about the guns, hilarious.

911. I was fairly certain I was in love.

912. What do you say we go home, I got some grape soda on ice,

913. and a bearskin rug waiting.

914. Whatever you say, Mr. J.

915. Hunka-hunka.

916. I felt like puking and crying

917. and just kissing him forever.

918. And I was so afraid of feeling that way.

919. But I was even more afraid

920. of the feeling going away

921. because, well, when I was with him,

922. I don't know, he, he, he made me feel

923. the way I hoped I really was.

924. People don't talk enough about how cute T4T couples are.

925. It's probably because those combinations of letters

926. and numbers remind people of...

927. - Rated T for T.

928. Hey, uh, I was wondering

929. if you could help me with something.

930. I can sure as hell try.

931. I, um, I wanna go, um, Joker to Harlequin.

932. - I know a place.

933. Say, wanna hear a joke?

934. Why'd the gay clown

935. dive into a vat

936. of feminizing hormones at a chemical storage plan?

937. 'Cause gender health is inaccessible

938. even in comic book movies.

939. I'm kinda scared, Mr. J.

940. Don't be, gender is a social construct.

941. It's a tool created by the ruling class

942. to keep the proletariat oppressed.

943. And by taking control-

944. When you're in love

945. even the most self-righteous pop Marxist rants

946. sound like poetry.

947. - It's now or never, babe.

948. Well, see you on the other side, pudding.

949. Freeze, Detective Bullock here,

950. we've got the Red Hood Gang. - Hold your fire.

951. - Oh my God, it's Batman. - I'll take care

952. of this my way, boys.

953. - What?

954. I thought he retired.

955. Jason!

956. Y-you.

957. Let go of me, Bruce.

958. Bruce, let me get a picture.

959. Please, fellas, celebrities are people, too.

960. Oh, just make sure to tag the campaign online.

961. Oh my God, oh my God.

962. I mean, like, this has to be a placebo effect or something,

963. like, I feel like, like me for the first time.

964. What's wrong, babe?

965. Do you remember that ex I told you about?

966. Yeah, the, the one that helped you out

967. during your transition?

968. Yeah, well, I didn't tell you the whole story.

969. Before I was Jason Todd, my name was Carrie Kelley.

970. I spent most of my life in and out of orphanages.

971. And when I was 16,

972. I didn't understand why a billionaire would want to adopt

973. a little butch shell-shocked from the cyber wars,

974. but daytime was about studying, training.

975. And the night,

976. the night was ours.

977. When I finally came out to Bruce as trans,

978. I was so sure he'd kick me out,

979. but he, he didn't, he, he did everything right.

980. He paid for my transition and he seemed excited.

981. I thought he was the first one who saw me, the real me.

982. The lady at Gotham Social Services called it grooming.

983. All I know is a few months into my transition,

984. Bruce made a move.

985. At the time, I thought it was exciting.

986. You know, the older guy, rich,

987. I didn't even think it was weird

988. that he was basically my dad or that he made me sign an NDA.

989. Oh, what would Gotham think if they found out

990. that Batman was dating a trans man?

991. Thank God I found out I wasn't the only Robin.

992. One night I caught him teaching jujitsu to this young kid,

993. he couldn't have been more than 14.

994. I, we got in a huge fight and I trashed our hide out.

995. And I said I was leaving, and he told me he'd find me,

996. so I went underground,

997. and now,

998. he found me.

999. Jason, I'm, I'm really sorry.

1000. I don't,

1001. I, I can, I can't imagine what you're feeling

1002. right now seeing him again.

1003. I don't feel anything.

1004. Well, the good news is, I'm not going anywhere.

1005. I'm gonna be right here by your side forever.

1006. And-

1007. When they show abusive relationships in movies,

1008. they're always the beer-bellied wife-beater,

1009. it's never a 90-pound trans dude.

1010. And if it's not like that in the movies,

1011. how's a girl like me supposed to know to look for the signs?

1012. So, boys, ghouls,

1013. and all my non-boo-nary friends,

1014. here's Joker the Harlequin's patented list of warning signs

1015. to look for in a potential narcissistic emotional abuser.

1016. Number one, he negs you.

1017. It's not every day I meet someone funnier than me.

1018. Number two, he makes it clear that his trauma

1019. is more important than yours.

1020. At least you met your dad.

1021. And number three.

1022. I hear Batman's picking Dent as his running mate,

1023. and it's a good thing they're running though,

1024. since we all know women can't drive.

1025. I mean, if he's a comedian, just run for the hills.

1026. Guilty till proven innocent.

1027. Don't date comedians, please, ever.

1028. Vice Presidential candidate Gilda Dent was injured

1029. in an acid attack that authorities are linking

1030. to the online act of- - Let's be real,

1031. I could Mxyzptlk myself back in time

1032. to give young Joker that advice,

1033. but she'd be too busy riding the high

1034. of her hormonal Jokerification to ever listen.

1035. On the bright side, this election could bring us

1036. the first psychologically-damaged Vice President.

1037. Shatter that glass ceiling, queen.

1038. With estrogen finally coursing through my veins

1039. or wherever estrogen goes,

1040. I finally had the confidence to play with my wardrobe a bit.

1041. Sure, people stared sometimes,

1042. but if I wore my clown makeup.

1043. Clowns are so funny.

1044. Meanwhile...

1045. And then I landed on the ground

1046. and there were cats nibbling my face,

1047. and they were nibbling my fingers,

1048. they were nibbling my toes,

1049. and that's how I became Catwoman.

1050. It's the 47th season premiere of "Serve the Date."

1051. - All right, ladies,

1052. the eligible billionaire bachelor

1053. who's heart you'll be - You have got

1054. to be kidding me. - Hoping to steal is...

1055. - What's wrong, babe? - It's been a long,

1056. dark night. - Oh.

1057. But my whole life has led me to this moment.

1058. He's on this season of "Serve the Date."

1059. I have never seen a man

1060. so desperate to appear straight.

1061. I mean, he's more than just a closet gay guy Joker,

1062. I was 17.

1063. - He's so mysterious. - I know, I, I'm sorry,

1064. I, I didn't forget, I just misspoke.

1065. This is Joker, leave a message.

1066. - It's your mother.

1067. Come on, SC, can't you go

1068. five minutes - Hello?

1069. without killing yourself?

1070. - Nope. - Okay.

1071. Well, I'm coming to Gotham.

1072. - Oh, Jesus. - I, I haven't seen you

1073. in months and I, I'm sorry for what happened.

1074. Hi, I'm Batman, and in two days,

1075. I'll be hosting "UCB Live" - What the hell is this?

1076. - with musical guest- - Every channel!

1077. Just call me back if you want.

1078. - Did you just shoot my TV?

1079. Did you just screen a phone call from your mom?

1080. - Excuse me? - You just ignored

1081. a phone call from the woman who brought you into this world.

1082. Yeah, I haven't spoken with my mom in six months,

1083. so I ignored a phone call from her.

1084. - God, you are- - And you just shot

1085. my goddamn TV. - You are so selfish!

1086. I'd give anything to meet my real mom.

1087. And all you can do is just shit all over yours.

1088. What is going on with you?

1089. You're acting insane. - Ah, shut up, Drew!

1090. You are so emotionally abusive.

1091. It's time for you to get outta my house, Jason, leave!

1092. Number four,

1093. they gaslight you.

1094. You're selfish for complaining about your unbroken home.

1095. I'm selfish for complaining

1096. about my unbroken home. - You should forgive me

1097. for destroying your TV. - I should forgive you

1098. for destroying my TV.

1099. 'Cause I have PTSD.

1100. - 'Cause I have PTSD. - No, I have PTSD.

1101. No, I have PTSD.

1102. - Now, we're gonna go to bed. - Now, we're gonna go to bed.

1103. - Because you're my girl.

1104. I'm your girl.

1105. - This November,

1106. be sure to cast your Bat vote

1107. for me, Batman. - Yeah, right.

1108. When are you gonna stop hiding the two-faced running mate

1109. you got from the people of Gotham?

1110. - Penguin. - I'm sorry,

1111. this creep just ruffles my feathers.

1112. Well, if this press tour has been any indication

1113. of things, my relationship's not gonna survive one term

1114. under a Wayne presidency. - Today's suicide count.

1115. Is it true what they say about you?

1116. - So what do you think? - Sorry, about what?

1117. About Mr. J., I mean, he called me my old name

1118. and he didn't even know me as that.

1119. He said it just to hurt my feelings.

1120. He messed up. - Look, you're dating

1121. a 27-year-old comedian, I mean, you gotta know

1122. what you're getting into.

1123. What am I doing with my life?

1124. What did you wanna be when you grew up?

1125. It's kind of

1126. embarrassing to say, but I wanted be a cop.

1127. - You got the body for it. - I thought clowns

1128. were supposed to be funny.

1129. Why did you wanna be a cop?

1130. I just, I wanted to help people,

1131. not just be some fat comedian in an abandoned warehouse.

1132. Comedy helps people.

1133. Last night during your set, you sang "He Hit Me"

1134. by The Crystals while Bob the Goon

1135. threw dildos in your face.

1136. Okay, how about this, smartass?

1137. Some comedy helps people, some comedy exists

1138. just to distract people from the fact

1139. that they're gonna die alone screaming.

1140. That's usually accomplished with a pie to the face

1141. or a rubber penis. - Well, what about you?

1142. What do you mean?

1143. What did you wanna be when you grew up?

1144. Oh,

1145. a harlequin.

1146. Well, it looks like you got it.

1147. - Yeah. - It's a shame

1148. you didn't stick it out in "UCB"

1149. while you were still a dude, you know, become a jokeman,

1150. then transition and be the first harlequin on the main cast.

1151. Blow that shit up from the inside. Was that transphobic?

1152. - What? - I didn't mean

1153. to be transphobic. - I wasn't listening

1154. 'cause I think I just got an idea

1155. that's gonna solve both of my problems.

1156. We're hatching a plan!

1157. Did we pay the Wi-Fi bill?

1158. We have Wi-Fi in here?

1159. You figure that out, get the gang together.

1160. I'm gonna go home, finish my makeup, dry off my pits,

1161. and when I get back here,

1162. we're gonna hack the Batdrones and do some anti-comedy.

1163. You think this collection of near homeless alcoholics

1164. knows how to hack anything?

1165. Our entire cast is comprised of incels and trans women,

1166. at least one of them studied coding in high school.

1167. Just figure it out, Penguin, Jesus.

1168. Ha, that was definitely transphobic.

1169. - Oh my God!

1170. Can we talk?

1171. No, you broke into my apartment.

1172. But I, I, I came to apologize.

1173. This is like the worst possible time.

1174. I'm better now and I'm talking to someone.

1175. I'm talking about my mother.

1176. You look different.

1177. Yeah, thanks, is that your apology?

1178. I thought you'd be happy to see me and,

1179. and hear that I'm, I'm working on myself.

1180. I am thrilled, but I have to get ready for a show.

1181. Oh! Then you must let me come to your show.

1182. Absolutely not.

1183. Why not?

1184. Because I wear fishnets and I get up on stage

1185. and I say gross shit, and I don't need to deal with you

1186. being pissed off about that. - Look, I flew all the way

1187. to Gotham to make things right.

1188. Please, let me, I'm a grown woman, I can handle it.

1189. Fine, then you're also gonna meet the boy

1190. I'm sleeping with.

1191. Oh, oh, okay.

1192. Well, um, I am, um,

1193. I am proud to have a gay son.

1194. Thank you for sharing that with me, (beep).

1195. You're welcome, thank you for receiving it so warmly.

1196. Um, I also, you should know,

1197. don't really go by (beep) anymore.

1198. I've been having people call me Joker.

1199. Ugh, so your name's not good enough for you now?

1200. Just meet me at the theater.

1201. Goddammit, Mom!

1202. How are we looking on time, guys?

1203. My pits are dry. - Camera's ready.

1204. How are we looking Anarky?

1205. - He's so dark and mysterious. - The Riddler, Gus Gorman,

1206. 'cause I'm rolling, baby, and you're hacking.

1207. Plus, I've always wanted to sleep with an orphan.

1208. These are the "Serve the Date" ladies,

1209. no completely heterosexual man could resist them,

1210. especially one like me.

1211. Hi, I'm comedy's Joker the Harlequin,

1212. and you probably don't recognize me from anywhere,

1213. but if you're anything like me,

1214. you are sick of hearing from this dope.

1215. I mean, we gotta watch him normalizing white-collar crime

1216. with a bunch of girl bosses on an asinine reality show.

1217. If only he'd make

1218. a special guest appearance on "Suicide Cop"

1219. one of these days and stand directly

1220. behind him at,

1221. you know, the precise moment that we would want that.

1222. Not to mention the fact that we got his drones

1223. flying around the city and up our asses and butts

1224. anytime we wanna go on a walk with our wife,

1225. with our kids.

1226. That's why the most

1227. responsible thing for "UCB Live" to do

1228. is to have me on as a guest host tomorrow

1229. and not the Batman.

1230. I know you're watching Lorne Michaels, I know you are.

1231. And you can do this willingly, or you can ignore this

1232. and I'll just hack into your show.

1233. I hacked into "Serve the Date,"

1234. clearly I know how to hack,

1235. and I'll hack the world if I have to

1236. 'cause I'm the Joker, baby, and I'm a woman of my word.

1237. - Well, - Hmm.

1238. - that was, um. - Yeah.

1239. Do you, um, um, um, perform here as well?

1240. Oh, every now and then, I also do online anarchy,

1241. chaos podcasting, stuff like that.

1242. Oh, okay, okay, okay.

1243. I tried. - What?

1244. I tried and, and it's my fault.

1245. I'm the one that convinced you to let me into your world.

1246. You tried to warn me and I, I should've listened, (beep).

1247. - Joker! - Why?

1248. Because it feels like me, I don't know how to explain it.

1249. Just call me Joker! - A, a, a boy dressed

1250. in women's clothing, acting filthy and angry

1251. at his mother, this is you, what happened?

1252. You used to be such a happy little boy.

1253. I've never been happy one fucking day in my life!

1254. Breaking the law, you are lucky

1255. that Batman doesn't swoop down from the sky

1256. and lock you into Arkham Asylum.

1257. a fair share of copycat clown crime.

1258. Two women wearing clown masks

1259. were arrested. - Disgraced tech billionaire,

1260. Edward Nygma. - Lorne Michaels,

1261. that Canadian cuck, he's saying the whole thing

1262. is a prank. - It's like an Ellen thing,

1263. before all the unpleasantness, of course.

1264. This really isn't what cameo is for,

1265. and I cannot legally do any of this stuff.

1266. As far as I can tell, this is a clear cut case

1267. of copyright infringement.

1268. And I should know, I'm the lucky son of a gun

1269. who's married to Betty Boop.

1270. Of course, she slays politically,

1271. but Joker is also so funny for a Harlequin.

1272. Who would make up such a crazy joke

1273. like Batman being a villain?

1274. Come on, that's (beep) genius.

1275. I need some air,

1276. text if you need me. - Are we calling this person

1277. she in the Caitlyn Jenner way,

1278. - Okay. - or the RuPaul

1279. frack ranch way?

1280. No clue.

1281. - He's so rude. - Oh, whatever, Mom.

1282. So are you, so am I, we all are.

1283. Do you really feel that way?

1284. About what?

1285. That you and I don't have one happy memory between us?

1286. I really do.

1287. When I really think about it,

1288. I, I can't think of any,

1289. can you?

1290. No.

1291. I think that's why it hurts so bad.

1292. Sorry.

1293. Hello? - Lorne Michaels here.

1294. Is this a good time? - Uh, yeah, it's a great time.

1295. I'm sorr- - Don't be.

1296. I own 50% of "Serve the Date"

1297. and it was the highest ratings we've had

1298. since our Death Row season.

1299. And, in fact, your little routine has given us all

1300. a major wake up call

1301. 'cause we're putting together an all-new cast

1302. and this one's gonna be diverse.

1303. Oh, um, good job.

1304. Thank you. I know.

1305. I just wanna see if you would consider joining.

1306. You want me to join "UCB Live"

1307. after the night I just put you through?

1308. Not only that, I would like

1309. you to host the show tomorrow.

1310. You're bumping the Batman?

1311. Honey, you're bumping the Batman.

1312. - You've gotta be joking. - I don't joke,

1313. I leave that to my cast.

1314. The writers are all so very talented,

1315. so I really couldn't tell you why the show

1316. as a whole is so uneven, jost,

1317. comedy is subjective, of course.

1318. Either way, it's definitely

1319. time for me to retire. - Number five,

1320. he steals your medication. - Anyway, I'll see you

1321. at the studio tomorrow mañana.

1322. - Tomorrow morning? - That's right.

1323. 9:00 am your accelerated training begins.

1324. Do I still have to pay tuition?

1325. Don't be silly, we just dock it from your pay.

1326. Did you take my Smylex?

1327. Yeah, so what?

1328. I didn't want you to get high

1329. and be unable to have this conversation with me.

1330. - What? - How could you do that?

1331. Do what?

1332. That stunt back there.

1333. You put yourself and all of our friends in so much trouble.

1334. Do you realize how powerful Wayne is?

1335. Yeah, I know how powerful Wayne is.

1336. I did this because of, for you kinda.

1337. Clout chasing, edgelord horseshit!

1338. Let go of me, Jason!

1339. You slapped the inhaler out of my hand earlier,

1340. you hypocrite, I, I do not feel safe around you.

1341. My mom is in the emergency room.

1342. God, Joker, it's always about you.

1343. Whatever you say, Mr. J.

1344. Where the hell are you going?

1345. I can't do this anymore, I can't, we're done.

1346. - Please, no. - Please don't touch me,

1347. please. - Look,

1348. don't leave me,

1349. you're all I have, I'm all you have.

1350. A-and I, I love you.

1351. Then, please, just leave me alone.

1352. Jesus Christ, what happened here?

1353. Well, because of your little stunt,

1354. Batman and a bunch of Gordon's pigs decided to raid our ass.

1355. Is everybody okay?

1356. Are you okay?

1357. Yeah, I've never been better, Penguin.

1358. - Is your mom okay? - Nope.

1359. But you're gonna do a shot with me

1360. because I have some really good news.

1361. You're so hopped up on Smylex

1362. that you're gonna start a new theater with me

1363. somewhere in this town? - No, there's not gonna be

1364. starting a new theater

1365. because I shattered the glass ceiling

1366. that is "UCB Live." - What?

1367. Yeah, Lorne called me, Michaels,

1368. he loved the video we did.

1369. And he wants to put me on an all-new cast,

1370. it's a diversity cast. - And you said yes to this?

1371. I mean, I didn't say no. Why would I say no?

1372. I, I don't know what to say.

1373. Oh, I'm speechless, too.

1374. You're messed up, you crafted this entire persona

1375. on being outside the mainstream,

1376. then the second you get invited to the table,

1377. you start kissing Lorne Michaels' ass.

1378. How could I kiss Lorne Michaels' ass?

1379. We can't even afford to animate

1380. the back half of it. - This is a betrayal, Joker.

1381. Think about all the queer kids who finally get to watch

1382. a trans woman on a comedy show.

1383. Oh, that makes you a hero?

1384. What if it does, you prick?

1385. Then it makes you the hero Gotham deserves,

1386. a selfish, stupid, asshole hero!

1387. - I don't know if it's Dent,

1388. or Wayne, or some other psychotic soul junkie

1389. in their back cabal, someone is transmitting

1390. electrostatic brainwaves

1391. into my wife and children,

1392. making them less affectionate towards me.

1393. On that note, I'd just like to reiterate that T girl clown

1394. that destroyed all the Batdrones

1395. is not my child.

1396. - Smallville Suicide Hotline.

1397. Uh, hi, um, I, uh, was just calling to see

1398. if you'd let me know what the weather was like

1399. in Smallville right now. - This is an emergency hotline

1400. for people who wanna off themselves,

1401. no weather service for sad losers.

1402. Totally understood, thanks so much.

1403. - Hello, please, state

1404. your name. - Joker the Harlequin.

1405. The name you entered Joanna Kerns

1406. to Harlequin not found.

1407. Please, state your name.

1408. Listen, bitch, I legally changed my name

1409. to Joker the Harlequin, so it better be

1410. in your system. - The name you entered Lisa,

1411. bitch, I legally changed my name to Joanna Kerns

1412. to Harlequin not found.

1413. Please, state your name.

1414. - Drew. - Access granted.

1415. Hello, I'm Ra's al Ghul, you must be Joker, welcome.

1416. Um, hi, we've met before actually.

1417. You look different.

1418. Yeah, well, I am different.

1419. Where's Lorne Michaels?

1420. It's just you and I today, Joker.

1421. Well, I'm afraid you got your work cut out for you

1422. because I never even passed yes, and.

1423. One of my best students failed at yes, and

1424. during his first attempt,

1425. the eagerness to not accept defeat

1426. is what made him a legend.

1427. Yeah, then what happened?

1428. Did you cut his arms and legs off

1429. with a laser sword on a volcano planet?

1430. Close, after I flunked him, he threw on a codpiece

1431. and helped get comedy outlawed.

1432. Batman went to "UCB" and you trained him?

1433. I'm afraid I failed the Batman,

1434. he gave up before ever reaching Hypercube.

1435. Some men just don't wanna watch the world burn.

1436. So what you're saying is, I should start fighting crime?

1437. I'm saying that the failure to settle

1438. is a sign of a greater path.

1439. - Oh, yeah, and what's that? - "The People's Joker."

1440. It was foretold that someday a clown would rise

1441. to restore the power of comedy

1442. from those who have stolen it.

1443. That this person would reclaim comedy

1444. and would repurify it as an art form.

1445. - It sounds pretentious. - It is.

1446. Comedy has long held a lofty view of itself for its ability

1447. to see and to disseminate truth.

1448. But truth controlled by autocracy is a distortion.

1449. The prophecy states that a man will come forth

1450. that sees the virtue and madness.

1451. A man that truly understands the healing power of laughter.

1452. Question, what if she's not sure she's a man?

1453. Joker, are you ready to begin?

1454. Sure.

1455. A true jokeman doesn't tell jokes.

1456. He tells the truth.

1457. Uh, an Atlantean, a Kryptonian and a metahuman

1458. walk into a bar. - So if you're living a lie,

1459. you can't be a jokeman.

1460. How come people always bring tomatoes

1461. to comedy shows?

1462. We lie when we are afraid.

1463. So tell me, Joker the Harlequin,

1464. what do you fear?

1465. My mother,

1466. my boyfriend as well.

1467. What you really fear is inside yourself.

1468. You fear your own power and truth.

1469. Now you must journey inwards, breathe in your fears.

1470. Breathe.

1471. - Where are you?

1472. I'm back in Arkham.

1473. - What do you see?

1474. - Crane. - Have you come for a refill,

1475. sonny boy? - He can't hurt you.

1476. You ruined my life, Crane.

1477. And I'm certain you ruined so many others.

1478. I don't ruin lives,

1479. I make them super sane.

1480. I give the gift of victimhood.

1481. Any red-blooded Gotham who wants to be a victim,

1482. but they're all waiting for a man

1483. in a rubber suit to save them.

1484. I'm not a victim, and I'm not afraid of you!

1485. Ah, but you should be afraid of me.

1486. Without fear, what will you hold on to?

1487. Oh, my poor little boy.

1488. - What, what, what, what? - I've never been a boy.

1489. And I think you've always known that, Mama.

1490. I know what I thought about my mother

1491. and I couldn't handle if somebody felt about me

1492. the way I felt about her.

1493. So, yes, yes, Joker.

1494. I knew you were a little girl,

1495. a trapped, miserable little girl.

1496. But I was protecting you from growing up

1497. and turning into a trapped, miserable woman

1498. because I know what that feels like.

1499. I've just been walking around in circles my entire life.

1500. We all do, my dear.

1501. And you can't blame yourself

1502. for repeating the only cycle you ever knew.

1503. We're human and we all need family.

1504. It's more than that, Ra's, and you know it, it-

1505. What do you know about clownfish?

1506. What is it with this movie and fish?

1507. No, I don't like Pixar,

1508. I find them emotionally manipulative.

1509. And John Lasseter is a walking boundary violation

1510. in an Hawaiian shirt.

1511. Japanese clownfish, like humans,

1512. have a very strict social structure.

1513. But in clownfish society, women rule,

1514. a school of clownfish

1515. is always led by one female.

1516. She leads the path and she mates with all the men.

1517. But when the dominant female dies,

1518. the largest male will change his sex

1519. and resume her former role as mother of the school.

1520. Are you telling me this to make me jealous of fish?

1521. No, I'm telling you this

1522. 'cause clownfish know that identity is not fixed.

1523. What you were before is irrelevant to who you are today.

1524. So who are you?

1525. I still don't know.

1526. Well, we'll soon find out.

1527. Do I have what it takes?

1528. We'll find that out as well, I suppose.

1529. By the way, take a look at this.

1530. What's this, more prophecy?

1531. Notes from our board of censors.

1532. I can't do drugs on camera,

1533. I can't talk about Bruce Wayne or Batman,

1534. and I can't wear drag, that's my act.

1535. You had to expect there would be some rules.

1536. It's not drag Ra's and you know that, it's my clothes.

1537. I tried to explain that to Lorne,

1538. but he wants to ease people into your situation.

1539. My situation?

1540. It's bullshit, it's bullshit!

1541. I you, you, all day, you've been telling me

1542. to find my truth.

1543. Look, don't shoot the messenger.

1544. I'm not trying to tell you to do anything.

1545. You're another old rich guy who doesn't get it.

1546. I'm just relaying a message from my bosses.

1547. Did I say you need to listen to that message?

1548. Yeah, and what about "The People's Joker,"

1549. would he listen?

1550. You know what? I think she wouldn't.

1551. Okay.

1552. Okay.

1553. So what now?

1554. It's time for you to get ready for the show.

1555. - Holy shit!

1556. - Joker, get in.

1557. - Ah, no. - Ah, come on,

1558. you're already late as is.

1559. Fine.

1560. So, ready for the show?

1561. Yeah, I am ready for the show, please, just drive.

1562. When are we gonna set aside some time

1563. so we can talk about us?

1564. Are you kidding me right now? Talk about us?

1565. - Pull over, Jason. - God, we got company.

1566. All the more reason for us

1567. to not have this conversation right now.

1568. Look, I screwed up. I am screwed up.

1569. And that's why you're the only one

1570. for me because so are you.

1571. Just a reminder, kids, this is not romantic,

1572. and I will show you the checklist again if I have to.

1573. It's not you that I want Jason, it's her,

1574. it's Joker, nobody's gonna take away my dream

1575. of hosting "UCB Live."

1576. You really think you're gonna be able

1577. to transition without me?

1578. Why is it always about you?

1579. This isn't about me at all, this is about you.

1580. Think about it, think about all the progress you made

1581. when we were together.

1582. You would've never - Yeah,

1583. you're right. - figured out who you were

1584. without me. - You're right,

1585. I would've never figured out who I was without you

1586. because I finally had love in my life.

1587. I finally had somebody who genuinely

1588. and authentically loved me.

1589. And it's just my luck, the ultimate joke of it

1590. is, I found love from an unstable clown

1591. with a Damaged tattoo on his head.

1592. Of course, I fell in love with the most traumatized boy

1593. on the planet.

1594. Of course, I thought if I just fixed you,

1595. I could finally fix me.

1596. Stupid Bats!

1597. I've never thought you needed to be fixed.

1598. Dummy, that is why you're the first person

1599. that genuinely loved me.

1600. - Still love you. - Puddin', puddin',

1601. I can't swim!

1602. Come on, Jason, wake up.

1603. Oh, thank you, God.

1604. Ah, fuck you, God.

1605. All right, Batsy, you wanna get nuts?

1606. Let's get nuts.

1607. Whoa!

1608. - Don't worry, Bruce,

1609. we're not gonna kill ya. - Ow.

1610. We're gonna hurt ya really, really bad.

1611. Ain't that right, Penguin?

1612. Yeah, we're gonna treat you real ice.

1613. - Selina? - Bruce.

1614. Batman knows Catwoman?

1615. I went on one lousy date

1616. and he's going around telling people I'm a sex worker.

1617. Not that there's anything wrong with sex work,

1618. it's just girls can be cat burglars, Frank Miller.

1619. And gender nonconforming plant people can be botanists.

1620. Isn't that right,

1621. you plagiaristic sack of fleshy fauna?

1622. What are you people?

1623. Don't you see, Bruce?

1624. We're the jokers of the

1625. daughters, we're the daughters of the jokers

1626. you couldn't burn.

1627. Get it?

1628. Nope.

1629. He's getting away!

1630. Got him!

1631. Just a grown man who plays with toys all night.

1632. - You like that, Batman?

1633. That's my impression of one of your Batdrones

1634. concussing my mother.

1635. At least your mother's still alive.

1636. Ah, so that's where Jason picked that one up.

1637. Let go of me, you crazy bitch.

1638. I am not crazy!

1639. I'm super sane!

1640. All right, I'm pretty sure I just killed that Batman.

1641. Can you at least agree with me that we need to take a break?

1642. Yeah, maybe you're right.

1643. I was just really hoping for a happy ending here for us.

1644. You were my happy beginning

1645. and, honestly, I needed that way more right now.

1646. But I'm gonna be late and I ripped my jacket

1647. so I have nothing to wear.

1648. I don't know, a Joker in a red suit?

1649. Oh, come on.

1650. I'll make it work.

1651. Bye, puddin'.

1652. Look, I don't wanna scare you,

1653. but do you know what this movement is really about?

1654. Transsexual Reptilian Agenda.

1655. - Live from Downtown Gotham,

1656. it's "UCB Live"

1657. with David Spade,

1658. Rudolf Hess,

1659. Hermann Gorig,

1660. David Spade,

1661. with musical guest, Ben Folds Five.

1662. And tonight's host,

1663. Joker the Harlequin.

1664. Thank you so much, Gotham City. How we doing tonight?

1665. I'm Joker the Harlequin here to ease you into my situation.

1666. Um, well, uh, you know, as the first openly queer person

1667. on the "UCB" cast, normally it'd probably be my duty

1668. to come out here and make all you cishets

1669. feel comfortable.

1670. But I'm not sure if you noticed on the drive over here,

1671. things aren't exactly, uh, comfortable

1672. in Gotham City right now, are they?

1673. Jesus, you guys are really desperate for a laugh, huh?

1674. Covfefe.

1675. Uh-huh.

1676. Oh my God it's Smylex.

1677. You know, I should have known, Lorne,

1678. Lorne Michaels wanted me to come out here tonight

1679. dressed up like a man. - What the hell is he doing?

1680. She's doing exactly what I trained her to do.

1681. And I'm not a man.

1682. People have been trying to convince me that I am

1683. for my entire life and I'm not, I'm not a man.

1684. And I'm not a woman with an asterisk either.

1685. I'm not a Joker, I'm not a Harlequin,

1686. I'm not a hero, and I'm not a villain either,

1687. because heroes and villains don't exist.

1688. They were just invented

1689. to sell you soda, life is not a comic book movie,

1690. believe me. - That should have been me.

1691. I really wish it was.

1692. The truth is, we're all capable of being heroes

1693. and villains at any given moment,

1694. it just depends on what we choose to show up as.

1695. And, you know, another thing, I'm sure this show

1696. was really funny at one point,

1697. I don't really remember it ever being funny,

1698. maybe back in the '70s,

1699. all it remember doing - My God,

1700. I'm ruined. - is convincing us

1701. politicians are actually comedians,

1702. and that comedians are moral arbiters of truth

1703. that we should turn to for answers.

1704. And what could be more irresponsible than that?

1705. All we can do is hurt each other.

1706. And if we're lucky, maybe tell a Tinder bit or two.

1707. You know what?

1708. Who wants to hear the classic Joker the Harlequin bit:

1709. The saddest story ever told?

1710. Yeah, yeah? Okay, cool.

1711. Well, once upon a time,

1712. there was this little boy named Bruce

1713. who had all of the money

1714. in the world,

1715. and he wouldn't shut up about his stupid dead parents.

1716. My empire!

1717. No!

1718. And he couldn't face the truth about who he really was,

1719. so he stayed up all night.

1720. He stayed up all night, dressed up like a goddamn bat!

1721. Ah!

1722. Where on Earth am I?

1723. Who said anything about being on Earth, pretty lady?

1724. Well, hey, little guy, who are you?

1725. I'm Mx. Mxyzptlk, that's who.

1726. Mr. Mix-a-what?

1727. Mx. Mxyzptlk.

1728. - Oh. - And you are in

1729. the fifth dimension.

1730. Not entirely unusual

1731. for someone once they've achieved a super psyche.

1732. Oh, cool. Well, what else can I do?

1733. Ah, pretty much anything you want.

1734. You wanna see Richard Pryor having sex with Marlon Brando?

1735. - I mean. - I mean, who doesn't, right?

1736. Yeah, duh.

1737. Good for them, to be honest.

1738. Well, I suppose you wanna see the birth of Rick Moranis

1739. just to see if his parents knew

1740. they had a winner right out the gate?

1741. Congratulations, Mr. and Mrs. Moranis,

1742. he's gonna be a national treasure.

1743. Or sail through the multiverse

1744. and any of infinite possible timelines.

1745. So let me get this straight,

1746. you're saying that not only are there an infinite number

1747. of dimensions, there's also an infinite number

1748. of possible timelines? - Precisely,

1749. my dear, our universe is just one

1750. of many existing in a vast structure

1751. of alternate possibilities.

1752. - Hey, that's me. - No, she's you.

1753. Oh.

1754. Say, Mx. Mxyzptlk, - Mm-hmm?

1755. do you think you can clean up my timeline a little bit?

1756. Uh, (sighs) I'm not so sure that's a good idea.

1757. The last time I did that, the Endless exiled me.

1758. Please, Mx. Mixy? Please?

1759. Aw.

1760. Mm-hmm.

1761. Oh, all right.

1762. Wow! Oh, oh!

1763. Well, the pickings are rather slim,

1764. what you thinking, Harlequin?

1765. Hmm? Billionaire toy, MeToo playboy.

1766. - Not him. - Not him.

1767. Not him.

1768. That bitch.

1769. No,

1770. if I only get one more.

1771. Why for you, dear People's Joker,

1772. no request is barred, but this wish came true in '92

1773. in your mama's car.

1774. - Why? - Why not?

1775. Cookie, what?

1776. Mixy, thank you.

1777. It's, this is honestly all I ever wanted.

1778. Well, don't forget what happened to the little boy

1779. who suddenly got everything he ever wanted,

1780. she lived happily ever after.

1781. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

1782. but for a Batguin, we're Bat.

1783. Batguin.

1784. It's me, Penguin.

1785. Ha!

1786. You will not silence the silent majority.

1787. You won't block a bald eagle

1788. and you cannot shadow-ban short rib.

1789. - Have you ever tried DMT?

1790. The Riddler may be in jail,

1791. but passing up this offer would be a bigger crime.

1792. I do, am intrigued about what you're doing though,

1793. uh, about a, um,

1794. a indie Batman queer coming-of-age film.

1795. I think good for you, I think that, uh,

1796. you're taking a chance, you're breaking barriers.

1797. Uh, why not? Why not?

1798. - Do you know what?

1799. Everyone in this theater go fucking crazy!

1800. It's the end of the song and we want this theater electric.

1801. I bet you want to get home, but,

1802. bitches on heat seem like this, so.

1803. Have a good night!