1. In New York City,
there's a fine line between law and chaos.
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2. On that line live Danson and Highsmith.
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3. Tell me again
why I decided to get on this roof!
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4. I think you can chalk that up
to bad life choices.
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5. Get rid of that asshole.
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6. - Uh-oh!
- I hate it when you say "uh-oh!"
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7. Dude, you put a ding in my hood!
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8. Come on with it, then!
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9. Whoa, hey!
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10. That's trouble.
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11. Did someone call Nine-One-holy-shit?
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12. That's it. I'm sick of all this running.
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13. Hang on!
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14. You have the right to remain silent!
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15. But I wanna hear you scream!
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16. Down on the ground!
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17. Detective! Yeah, yeah! Detective!
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18. One at a time, all right?
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19. Yeah, Detectives, Rick Grayson,
New York Observer Online.
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20. These suspects were caught
with only a quarter pound of marijuana,
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21. a misdemeanor in some states.
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22. Do you think this arrest was worth
$12 million in property damages?
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23. Why don't we let New York City
answer that question?
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24. The greatest city on Earth, yeah!
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25. Hi, Sarah Gapone from TMZ print edition.
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26. Danson, are the rumors about
you and Kim Kardashian true?
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27. No comment.
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28. But, yes.
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29. Danson and Highsmith,
free hot dogs for life!
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30. No drinks. No drinks.
I can't do it. I can't do it.
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31. Danson and Highsmith shoot, drive,
and sex with style. They're rock stars.
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32. Then you got your jokers,
your ball busters, your vets...
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33. and the other guys.
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34. We know, we know. We know.
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35. All right, all right, all right.
Listen up, listen up!
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36. We're having a celebration tonight at Butter.
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37. Brody Jenner's gonna be there. Bai Ling.
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38. - That little short bitch from Jersey Shore.
- Yeah!
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39. And most of you are on the list.
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40. You're the best.
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41. Guys, I'm gonna say something right now.
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42. It's about a man who came from Austria
with a dream.
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43. - Arnold Schwarzenegger!
- Let me finish.
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44. He became a champion
and then a movie star, all right?
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45. - Arnold Schwarzenegger!
- God damn it, let me...
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46. They ruined the story.
They ruined the story.
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47. Let... What... The point is,
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48. we couldn't do our job if it weren't
for you guys doing all the paperwork,
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49. answering the phones, and all that
stupid shit that we don't like to do.
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50. All the gun fights, all the car chases,
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51. all the sex we don't wanna have with women,
but we have to,
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52. all due to what you guys do. Thank you.
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53. And we'd do it again and again.
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54. Hey, you shut your face!
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55. If we wanna hear you talk,
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56. I will shove my arm up your ass
and work your mouth like a puppet!
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57. You hear me? You hear me?
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58. - Cash bar.
- Yeah.
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59. Peace out, bitches.
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60. Hey, fellas. All right, bring it in.
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61. Come on. Bring it in a little bit.
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62. All right, right there.
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63. Just back up, just like right there.
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64. All right, just one... Just a...
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65. There you go, right there. Right there.
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66. This is their paperwork.
You know they're not gonna do it.
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67. That's right.
This paperwork is like Bob's wife here.
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68. It's thick, ugly,
got Danson's fingerprints all over it.
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69. - No offense, Bob.
- That's all right.
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70. - Anyway, now who wants it?
- I do!
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71. All right!
Paper Bitch and Yankee Clipper on the case!
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72. - Nice work. Thanks, Allen.
- Thank you, Captain.
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73. "I'll do it! I'll do it!"
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74. Stop humming that song!
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75. - I can hum if I want to.
- No, I know you can.
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76. I'm asking you to stop.
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77. - Well, if you're asking, then I'll stop.
- Thank you.
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78. Could you not smile like that?
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79. Now you're asking me to mask my emotions
because of how it makes you feel.
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80. That I will not do.
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81. Seriously, stop humming! Okay?
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82. This isn't accounting or wherever the hell
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83. you and your little pocket calculator
were transferred from.
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84. Forensic accounting, okay.
And it's an important part of the job.
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85. Yeah, whatever. Stop being so overtly happy
about doing shit work, you moron.
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86. Hey, guys. Reminder.
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87. The police union picnic's
coming up this weekend.
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88. My wife's making her famous
deviled eggs, again. My waistline's furious.
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89. It's a bad time, Bob!
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90. All right.
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91. Going to get a slice.
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92. You know what I just did?
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93. I just walked out that door,
saw a couple detectives,
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94. and I was about to start bad mouthing you
behind your back,
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95. but I stopped myself,
because my pops taught me
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96. that a man who talks
behind somebody's back is a coward.
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97. Wow, I actually appreciate that.
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98. Good, 'cause I'm gonna tell you
directly to your face.
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99. - No. You don't have to.
- No, I don't like you.
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100. I think you're a fake cop.
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101. The sound of your piss hitting the urinal?
It sounds feminine.
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102. If we were in the wild, I would attack you.
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103. Even if you weren't in my food chain,
I would go out of my way to attack you.
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104. If I were a lion, and you were a tuna,
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105. I would swim out in the middle of the ocean
and freaking eat you!
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106. And then I'd bang your tuna girlfriend.
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107. Okay, first off,
a lion swimming in the ocean?
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108. Lions don't like water.
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109. If you'd placed it near a river or some sort
of fresh water source, that'd make sense.
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110. But you find yourself in the ocean,
20-foot waves,
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111. I'm assuming
it's off the coast of South Africa,
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112. coming up against a full-grown,
800-pound tuna with his 20 or 30 friends?
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113. You lose that battle.
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114. You lose that battle nine times out of ten.
And guess what?
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115. You've wandered into our school of tuna,
and we now have a taste of lion.
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116. We've talked to ourselves.
We've communicated.
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117. - Yeah?
- And said, "You know what?
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118. "Lion tastes good.
Let's go get some more lion."
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119. We've developed a system
to establish a beachhead
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120. and aggressively hunt you and your family.
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121. And we will corner your pride,
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122. - your children, your offspring.
- How you gonna do that?
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123. We will construct a series
of breathing apparatus with kelp.
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124. We will be able to trap
certain amounts of oxygen.
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125. It's not gonna be days at a time,
but an hour, hour 45, no problem.
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126. That will give us enough time
to figure out where you live,
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127. go back to the sea, get more oxygen,
and then stalk you.
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128. You just lost at your own game.
You're outgunned and outmanned.
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129. Did that go
the way you thought it was gonna go?
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130. Nope.
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131. Two minutes before the markets open,
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132. Pamela Boardman, CEO of Lendl Global,
ringing the opening bell.
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133. With Boardman is investment banker,
David Ershon,
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134. who manages 40%
of Lendl's $70-billion equity pool.
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135. How much did we lose?
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136. You may ring the bell now, Ms. Boardman.
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137. - $32.
- Million?
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138. No, billion.
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139. Shit!
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140. Chinatown. Three Triad gang members.
I popped two of them off the draw.
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141. - Bang, bang.
- Yeah.
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142. Then I raise up to take the leader out.
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143. Shit, I feel like I'm there now.
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144. I hear a whistle. My partner's on the roof.
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145. He says, "Let's even the odds!"
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146. He tosses me down a Mossberg pump.
I send one through his chest.
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147. Game over, bitches.
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148. - All right.
- Yeah.
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149. Jimmy? Let's talk about
how that story made you feel.
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150. Like my cock was made out of concrete.
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151. I know it's very tempting.
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152. You want to impress your friends.
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153. But this is serious stuff
we're dealing with, okay?
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154. This is firing your weapon
in the line of duty.
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155. Officer Hoitz?
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156. Oh, man.
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157. - Come on!
- Here we go.
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158. Would you like to share?
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159. No, I'd rather not.
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160. Officer Hoitz, you've been coming here
for six months now,
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161. and you haven't said a word.
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162. This is a safe room, no judgment here.
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163. Jerkoff.
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164. That's judgment, Jimmy. Come on.
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165. I relive it every night.
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166. Bronx, October.
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167. Game 7 of the World Series.
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168. For all the marbles. High pressure,
unruly crowd, and I pulled tunnel duty.
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169. I mean, I saw a shadowy figure in the tunnel.
I told him to stop.
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170. Whoa, whoa, whoa, this is a restricted area!
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171. Finally pulled my gun.
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172. Pulled a deadly weapon.
He started running at me.
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173. Don't make me shoot! I'll do it!
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174. Are you deaf? You hear me yell, "Freeze"?
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175. You dick! I'm Derek Jeter! You shot me!
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176. - You cost me 20 grand on that game!
- Douche bag.
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177. Cost the city a championship.
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178. I was being groomed
for a top position in homicide.
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179. Now I'm stuck with a desk jockey partner.
Everybody calls me the Yankee Clipper.
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180. Because you shot Derek Jeter!
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181. He's a biracial angel.
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182. You should've shot A-Rod.
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183. Yo, Paper Bitch.
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184. - What's up, man?
- Hey. Hey, guys.
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185. - Paper Bitch.
- Paper Bitch.
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186. I don't like that, actually.
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187. I know you guys think it's fun,
but I don't like that name.
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188. Still working on
the Danson and Highsmith paperwork?
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189. - Shit.
- No, actually, actually, that's...
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190. What is this? That looks stupid.
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191. Guys, it's illegal permitting for construction.
Specifically, scaffolding.
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192. Some of the guys were talking.
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193. They were like, "How come you've never
fired your weapon in the office before?"
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194. Good point.
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195. I'm sorry, I don't follow.
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196. You've never fired your weapon
in the office.
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197. We all have, you know.
It's called a desk pop.
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198. Fellas, look, I know
you don't respect me as a police officer.
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199. - Not true.
- I'm not stupid.
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200. I'm not gonna discharge my firearm
in the office.
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201. Gamble, listen to me.
I'll try to make it real clear.
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202. We honor the flag, and you crap on it
when you don't shoot your gun in the office.
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203. Jimmy.
When's the last time you had a desk pop?
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204. September '08.
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205. - Be a man. Do it.
- Now.
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206. - Please, please, do it.
- Pop one off!
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207. - There you go. Pop it off!
- Don't think, just go!
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208. - Here we go.
- Do it, yes.
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209. He did it!
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210. Hey! Shots fired!
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211. Hey, Terry, I did it! I did my first desk pop!
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212. It's a real thing, right?
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213. - A desk pop?
- Yeah.
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214. No, that's not real!
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215. They were so convincing in their argument,
they swung me.
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216. All right, Allen,
you're gonna have to hand over your gun.
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217. Yes, sir.
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218. Captain, you really wanna disarm this guy,
take out the batteries in the calculator.
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219. All right, I'm gonna give you this.
This is a dummy gun. I use it for ceremony.
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220. There.
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221. You get this back
when I feel you know how to handle it.
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222. Listen, guys.
I'm working two jobs. I'm working here.
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223. And I got another job
at Bed Bath and Beyond. Okay?
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224. I'm doing that just to put a kid through NYU
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225. so he can explore his bisexuality
and become a deejay.
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226. Now the last thing I need
is a ballistics report in the unit.
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227. I'm just gonna ask you guys,
please, come on, really.
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228. Just think about... Just be smart.
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229. 211 in progress.
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230. They're using a wrecking ball
to clean out Castien Jewelry.
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231. All right, we got it.
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232. - Good luck, guys. Have a good one.
- Allen, let's go.
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233. - No, I got work to do.
- What? This is work!
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234. Hey, yo! Danson and Highsmith.
We roll in heavy.
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235. You cream puffs, sit tight.
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236. You gotta be shitting me!
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237. You can't keep me cooped up in here, okay?
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238. I am a peacock! You gotta let me fly!
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239. Did he just...
Did he just call himself a peacock?
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240. Let's go! Let's go!
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241. Come on, fellas!
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242. Wednesday night is taco night
at Rikers Island!
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243. That's the second one this week!
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244. Hey, you monkeys! Stop!
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245. Let's go!
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246. Yeah!
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247. Heads up!
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248. Shit.
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249. Special Forces zipline.
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250. Cut that line! Cut it! Let's go!
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251. - These guys are pros.
- Let's go!
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252. You thinking what I'm thinking, partner?
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253. Aim for the bushes.
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254. Cops still argue to this day
why Danson and Highsmith jumped.
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255. Maybe it was just pride, having survived
so many brushes with death.
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256. Maybe their egos pushed them off.
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257. I don't know. But that shit was crazy.
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258. Either way, there was a hole
in New York City, and it needed to be filled.
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259. Two days ago, this city wept.
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260. We lost two heroes
who gave everything for us,
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261. who paid that ultimate sacrifice
so that we may walk these streets safely.
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262. There wasn't even an awning
in their direction.
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263. - No, I know.
- They just jumped 20 stories.
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264. Doesn't make sense, does it?
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265. I only hope God lets them take their.357s
with them to heaven.
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266. It's our moment, Allen.
Our moment to step up and be the guys.
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267. - We're at a funeral. Show some respect.
- What?
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268. You don't think every other detective here
isn't thinking the same thing?
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269. Allen, listen to me.
Danson and Highsmith are gone.
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270. Their desks are empty.
Someone has to fill those seats.
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271. That someone is us, okay?
The city's dying for a hero.
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272. - Is it?
- Yeah.
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273. What about nine million
socially-conscious and unified citizens,
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274. all just stepping up and doing their part?
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275. As a little kid, didn't you dress up
and play cops and robbers?
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276. I'll tell you what I did as a little kid.
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277. I went to school and made my bed.
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278. And at age 11, I audited my parents.
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279. And believe me, there were some
discrepancies, and I was grounded.
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280. What the hell are you?
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281. Well, well, well. What do we got here?
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282. Look at these two jamokes, would you?
One shot Jeter and the other shot an office.
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283. Have some decorum. We're at a funeral.
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284. You wanna dance, brolio?
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285. I will rock your body with big, nasty hooks.
You'll be pissing blood out of your ass.
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286. That's horrible.
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287. Why don't you step back, man?
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288. You touch him, I swear to God
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289. I'm gonna beat the shit out of you
with Allen's head.
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290. He's not gonna do that. That's hyperbole.
But that's a weird example.
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291. - You wanna go?
- I wanna go!
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292. - Get him off.
- Kick his ass, Martin.
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293. Yeah. How do you like that?
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294. - Pull his hair!
- I love it.
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295. This hurts so good.
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296. - Very sorry for your loss, ma'am.
- What a lovely hat.
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297. I love your shoes.
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298. - It's fine, it's fine.
- Go, go.
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299. Punish him!
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300. Oh, man.
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301. Do it. That's how we do it in the hood.
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302. - Punish him.
- That's not even a move.
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303. I'm the winner.
I'm the winner, everybody saw it.
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304. What the hell is going on here?
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305. Two good men are dead,
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306. and you guys are fighting over
who's gonna be the next hotshot?
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307. Is that what's happening?
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308. Yes, that's exactly what's happening.
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309. Let me tell you something.
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310. - Sorry for your loss, Lorraine.
- Very sorry.
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311. - Sorry, Lorraine.
- Sorry, Lorraine.
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312. Hi, I'm Jimmy.
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313. - Too soon?
- Why'd you say that?
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314. I'll tell you something about those guys.
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315. They knew that to become a good cop,
you had to solve cases. Okay?
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316. Okay, and maybe you start
with the Castien robbery.
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317. Okay? So just watch it.
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318. Next time, me, you, library.
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319. - Not even close.
- Come on, guys. Guys, come on.
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320. - You are...
- I'm the winner!
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321. I didn't need you to stick up for me, okay?
I could've handled that myself.
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322. Hey, don't flatter yourself.
It's the partner's code. I had no choice.
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323. Move.
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324. - 9:15, let's have a great day, everybody!
- Cut the shit!
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325. Good morning.
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326. We've got shots fired. 509 East 10th Street.
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327. There are large amounts of cocaine
on the scene.
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328. Try to stay out of trouble, boys.
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329. There's no chance
you'd wanna go on that call, right?
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330. No chance. Too busy.
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331. All right, ladies. Starting to get the picture?
We're about to lock shit down.
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332. - That's right.
- You girls stay here and get your type on.
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333. Go get them, guys.
Lot of energy, lot of focus.
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334. Shut up!
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335. Allen, could I see you in the hallway
for a second?
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336. I... I'm super busy right now, Terry.
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337. No, no, no, I know. This'll be real quick.
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338. It's about the construction permits
you were talking about.
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339. - The scaffolding violations?
- This is our thing, yeah.
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340. So, what do you got?
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341. I got this! I'll put one right in your neck.
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342. What are you doing?
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343. Let's go. We're going to that call.
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344. - What is this?
- Shut up.
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345. We're going to the car,
and we're going after this case.
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346. - You're not gonna shoot me.
- I won't?
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347. - No.
- I shot Jeter.
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348. - That was an accident.
- Was it?
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349. - Now move.
- Okay.
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350. Hey.
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351. Does anybody see this?
He's got a gun on me.
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352. I'm being kidnapped.
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353. Really, we're in a police station
and no one is interested in this?
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354. - So, then what happened?
- What do you think happened?
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355. I woke up, I took the belt off my neck,
and I got in my car, and I got out of there.
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356. Talk about a wild weekend, right?
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357. I thought I was gonna
have to shoot my way out.
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358. What are you gonna do, though, you know?
Bar mitzvahs.
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359. What the hell is this?
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360. It's my car. It's a Prius.
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361. I feel like we're literally driving around
in a vagina.
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362. Detective Hoitz and Gamble
are on that 518 on East 10th.
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363. Negatory, Martin and Fosse,
two minutes out.
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364. We'll just see who's there first.
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365. You stay out of our crime scene!
You hear me?
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366. Go, go, go!
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367. You feel that, Allen?
That tingling in your balls?
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368. Big metal butterflies fluttering around
in your stomach?
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369. Are you sure
you don't have testicular cancer?
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370. I got something to get you going.
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371. Let's go do some damage!
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372. Nope.
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373. What the hell is that?
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374. LRB. Little River Band.
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375. This music makes me feel like
I'm going shopping for a training bra.
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376. You know what?
We go with no music, okay?
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377. - Fine.
- Say bye.
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378. No, no, no, don't say bye...
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379. You just signed
your own death warrant, Hoitz!
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380. Allen, punch that accelerator
or I will shoot you in the foot!
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381. America!
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382. Allen! Allen, hit the brake!
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383. Seriously, slow the car down!
We're approaching the crime scene!
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384. Terry, I'm coming in.
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385. You're gonna smash
right through the tape! Allen!
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386. Dude! What...
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387. That's a lot of cocaine.
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388. Did you yell "America"
when you hit the accelerator?
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389. Nope. No. No.
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390. I've never actually put my foot
all the way down
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391. to the ground with the accelerator like that.
Copy !req
392. It got me slightly aroused.
Copy !req
393. Here we go.
Copy !req
394. Way to put your stamp
on the crime scene, guys.
Copy !req
395. - Prius, huh?
- Yep, yep.
Copy !req
396. Good mileage?
Copy !req
397. - Outstanding.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
398. Did this come with a dental dam?
Copy !req
399. - No.
- Get it?
Copy !req
400. My Suburban shit one of these last night.
Copy !req
401. I didn't know they put tampons on wheels.
Copy !req
402. We've had our fun, huh?
Copy !req
403. Looks like Scarface sneezed on your car.
Copy !req
404. All right, everybody!
Copy !req
405. I'm gonna need you all to back up now.
We're taking over.
Copy !req
406. "At the crime scene, LOL."
Copy !req
407. - Good tweet, good tweet.
- Yeah, thanks.
Copy !req
408. America has always been defined
by its excess.
Copy !req
409. The Grand Canyon,
professional sports contracts.
Copy !req
410. Wendy's Baconator, extra bacon.
Copy !req
411. I myself have 18 Lamborghinis
Copy !req
412. and a Subaru station wagon.
Copy !req
413. And it's because of this excess
that I have flourished.
Copy !req
414. I implore you, please, do not stop profiting.
Copy !req
415. Live for excess. It's the American way.
Copy !req
416. Hello.
Copy !req
417. Mr. Ershon? I believe this call's for you.
Copy !req
418. Sir David.
Copy !req
419. David. You're not returning my calls,
so I'd like you to meet Roger Wesley.
Copy !req
420. - G'day, mate.
- Hey.
Copy !req
421. Roger and his team are gonna babysit you
because I don't trust you,
Copy !req
422. because I think you're going to take off.
Copy !req
423. Pamela, this is ridiculous.
I'm not going anywhere.
Copy !req
424. David, listen,
the Lendl quarterlies come out on the 26th.
Copy !req
425. You have until then to give me my money.
I'm not reporting any losses, David.
Copy !req
426. I have zeroed in on a new investor.
Copy !req
427. Well, then, you get their money,
make it disappear, and then pay us back.
Copy !req
428. Yes, yes, I'll tell him
he doesn't need to keep watching me.
Copy !req
429. - David!
- Okay, sweetheart, bye-bye.
Copy !req
430. Yeah. She overreacted. She's a woman.
So, you're good to go.
Copy !req
431. Heard everything, mate.
Copy !req
432. Ladies and gentlemen,
Copy !req
433. guess who gave me the secrets
to making my first billion dollars.
Copy !req
434. That man there.
Copy !req
435. Go! Go!
Copy !req
436. - Side!
- Step aside, please.
Copy !req
437. You don't think I'm a real cop, do you?
Copy !req
438. No, I don't. I've said that
directly to your face numerous times.
Copy !req
439. I was really honest about that.
Copy !req
440. I'm working on a huge case, all right?
Copy !req
441. Property owner with seven buildings
under construction.
Copy !req
442. He hasn't applied
for a single scaffolding permit.
Copy !req
443. Now, according to Ask Jeeves, this perp
is at the Plaza Hotel speaking right now.
Copy !req
444. - That's your big case? Scaffolding permits?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
445. Guess what? You're coming with me.
Copy !req
446. It's a wooden gun.
Copy !req
447. That hurts, man!
Copy !req
448. I've always got Little River Band
loaded up here. I've got six disks in here.
Copy !req
449. Claude, meet me outside,
at the back of the service entrance.
Copy !req
450. I'm flying Air Singapore.
Copy !req
451. - Hey, Douglas. How's the wife?
- She died.
Copy !req
452. Attaboy!
Copy !req
453. I'll be there in two minutes exactly.
Copy !req
454. Another thing I hate about you?
You always pay in exact change.
Copy !req
455. You're just mad
because I have a nice change purse.
Copy !req
456. Why do you even care?
Copy !req
457. How can I help it? You know what?
You know what's worse?
Copy !req
458. The way you fart.
Even your farts, they're not manly.
Copy !req
459. You're being ridiculous.
Copy !req
460. They sound like a baby blowing out
the candles on a birthday cake.
Copy !req
461. - What?
- Like a little...
Copy !req
462. - You know what bugs me about you?
- What?
Copy !req
463. I'm pretty sure you've never voted.
Copy !req
464. No, I vote. Sports radio, AM 880.
Play of the week.
Copy !req
465. You're like a child in a leatherjacket.
That's what you're like.
Copy !req
466. Get out of the way, man!
Copy !req
467. Wait. Are you David Ershon?
Copy !req
468. Yeah, well, it's Sir David Ershon,
but I don't bother with the...
Copy !req
469. Anyway, little bit of a rush, gentlemen,
if you don't mind. Thank you.
Copy !req
470. - Excuse me, but you're under arrest, okay?
- What?
Copy !req
471. You have the right to remain silent.
Anything you do or say can be used...
Copy !req
472. - What's the next part?
- As a floatation device.
Copy !req
473. As a floatation device.
Copy !req
474. You know what? That's very funny.
I have never Miranda-ed anyone before.
Copy !req
475. - Really?
- Are you guys for real?
Copy !req
476. Am I being punk'd?
Copy !req
477. Detective Allen Gamble.
Copy !req
478. We are in a cocaine-covered car,
and we are bringing in a perp.
Copy !req
479. - One David Ershon.
- 175 pounds.
Copy !req
480. - Thank you. 175 pounds.
- Shut up, man, shut up!
Copy !req
481. Martin and Fosse are probably on Studio B
talking to Shepard Smith right now.
Copy !req
482. We arrest this jerkoff
for a scaffolding permit?
Copy !req
483. Wait, wait, wait,
what am I being arrested for?
Copy !req
484. For scaffolding permit violation...
Copy !req
485. - I got my insurance card. Somewhere.
- Easy, mate.
Copy !req
486. - What the hell? You ran right into us!
- Stand over there.
Copy !req
487. Wood?
Copy !req
488. What the...
Copy !req
489. - Couldn't see the car. It's big enough, mate.
- What?
Copy !req
490. Do not let these men take me.
Copy !req
491. Hi.
Copy !req
492. Why's she looking at you like that?
Copy !req
493. That's my car!
Copy !req
494. Hey, hey, hey!
We didn't exchange insurance information!
Copy !req
495. Hey! Excuse me!
Copy !req
496. Why did they take our shoes?
Copy !req
497. - What the hell just happened?
- Where's my iPhone?
Copy !req
498. I think we've walked 30 blocks, man.
Copy !req
499. I don't get why we can't just call the office
and have a squad car come pick us up.
Copy !req
500. No. They took our shoes,
our guns, and our car.
Copy !req
501. There's no way that's going out on the radio.
Copy !req
502. Look, if we're gonna do this together,
there's some issues we need to settle, okay?
Copy !req
503. I mean, you said I had a weak chin.
You said the way I pee is feminine.
Copy !req
504. How do you think that makes me feel?
Copy !req
505. I mean, that list you have,
you put a lot of thought in. It's weird.
Copy !req
506. I hear you.
Copy !req
507. Let's clean the slate right now. Fresh start.
Copy !req
508. All right. Fresh start.
Copy !req
509. Maybe we should call ourselves
the Febreze Brothers,
Copy !req
510. 'cause it's feeling so fresh right now.
Copy !req
511. Right?
Copy !req
512. Let's do another fresh start, 'cause
I just wanted to punch you in the face.
Copy !req
513. Fine, fresh start.
Copy !req
514. It's the last one.
Copy !req
515. I have to be able to express myself
and say things, you know.
Copy !req
516. - Okay, folks! Everybody, listen up!
- Listen up!
Copy !req
517. Got a high profile kidnapping.
Copy !req
518. David Ershon, wealthy banker,
multinational team.
Copy !req
519. Maybe a sleeper cell, but it's too early to tell.
Copy !req
520. Hey, Bilbo Baggins. Where are your shoes?
'Cause your feet are black.
Copy !req
521. Who cares? It's not important, okay?
Copy !req
522. Hoitz, Gamble, Captain. Not good.
Copy !req
523. - Bye, guys.
- Bye-bye.
Copy !req
524. Come on.
Copy !req
525. Guys, this is Don Beaman,
the attorney for Mr. Ershon.
Copy !req
526. Roger Wesley, head of his private security.
Copy !req
527. - Hey, how are you? You son of a bitch!
- Hey, hey, hey!
Copy !req
528. Hey, Terry! Take it easy!
Copy !req
529. - That's the guy who took our guns, Captain.
- And my shoes!
Copy !req
530. Wait a minute, wait a minute. Did you
identify yourselves as police officers?
Copy !req
531. What is this?
Copy !req
532. - Allen, tell me. Did you?
- No, we did not.
Copy !req
533. Sorry, gentlemen.
We thought you were abducting Mr. Ershon.
Copy !req
534. It's only protocol.
Copy !req
535. Mr. Ershon has agreed to correct this
scaffolding situation. The case is closed.
Copy !req
536. I've taken care of all necessary paperwork.
Copy !req
537. And you fellas, at this point,
should just be glad that
Copy !req
538. Mr. Ershon is not pressing charges
for excessive use of force.
Copy !req
539. - Thank you, Captain.
- You bet.
Copy !req
540. Australian?
Copy !req
541. Special Forces, right?
Copy !req
542. Best watch your step, Detective.
Copy !req
543. There are three things I love in this world.
Copy !req
544. Kylie Minogue,
Copy !req
545. small dimples just above
a woman's buttocks...
Copy !req
546. Beautiful features.
Copy !req
547. and the fear in a man's eye
who knows I'm about to hurt him.
Copy !req
548. Hey! Shake your dicks.
This pissing contest is over.
Copy !req
549. Come on, man.
Copy !req
550. All right, look, they returned your shoes.
Copy !req
551. And they returned your weapons.
Here you go, Terry.
Copy !req
552. Allen, someone was nice enough
to put linseed oil on it,
Copy !req
553. some kind of stain on that,
dark walnut or something.
Copy !req
554. You might wanna think about
dropping them a thank you note.
Copy !req
555. Okay.
Copy !req
556. You're mad at us, huh, Gene?
Copy !req
557. First off, don't call me Gene.
I'm your captain.
Copy !req
558. Guys, do you remember
the "Be Smart" speech?
Copy !req
559. - Sure.
- All right.
Copy !req
560. Well, what did you do?
What'd you do about it?
Copy !req
561. The opposite.
We were not smart, Captain Gene.
Copy !req
562. It's just "Captain."
Copy !req
563. Just "Captain." It's not "Captain Gene."
I don't have a kiddie show.
Copy !req
564. That sounds creepy, "Captain Gene."
Copy !req
565. Police mistakenly arrest
investment banker, David Ershon.
Copy !req
566. Was he the victim of financial profiling?
Copy !req
567. Financial profiling? That's crazy.
He broke the law and we arrested him.
Copy !req
568. That wasn't a security team. He said,
"Don't let these people take me."
Copy !req
569. I mean, when you hear hooves,
you think horses, not zebras.
Copy !req
570. What about donkeys or deer?
Copy !req
571. They have hooves.
What about bovine creatures?
Copy !req
572. Were you just thinking to yourself,
"Fresh start"?
Copy !req
573. - Yeah.
- Yeah. I could see it.
Copy !req
574. Listen, why don't we just
go over to my place?
Copy !req
575. We'll talk the case down.
Copy !req
576. We can have a little dinner.
You can meet Sheila.
Copy !req
577. Two cops talking down a case
while eating food, all right?
Copy !req
578. - It's not dinner.
- Fine.
Copy !req
579. And let me apologize in advance, okay,
Copy !req
580. in case my wife acts like a world-class bitch.
Copy !req
581. She's a big old broad,
and she likes to wield it.
Copy !req
582. Okay, so I put together a little bio,
complete with pictures of Mr. David Ershon.
Copy !req
583. I used Adobe Premiere.
I like to do a little weekend editing.
Copy !req
584. I recently just cut three minutes
out of Goodfellas.
Copy !req
585. David Ershon is currently
the CEO of Ershon Consortium.
Copy !req
586. Who's that talking?
Copy !req
587. It's the Frontline Narration App.
It's only 99 cents.
Copy !req
588. Ershon Consortium, current financial
investments exceed $70 billion.
Copy !req
589. His largest clients include
Schering-Plough and Lendl Global.
Copy !req
590. Lendl Global has those TV ads
where I can't figure out what they do.
Copy !req
591. Yeah, oil, media, health care,
you've probably heard their jingle.
Copy !req
592. Lendl Global, we're in everything
Copy !req
593. David Ershon is often found
in the company of Judge Scalia...
Copy !req
594. - Yeah.
and the lead singer of Maroon 5.
Copy !req
595. I mean, this guy could be
connected to drug cartels,
Copy !req
596. black market organ sales,
human trafficking, all of it.
Copy !req
597. How do you get that
from anything I just said?
Copy !req
598. Hey, guys! Soup's on.
Copy !req
599. What do you mean?
Copy !req
600. Hi.
Copy !req
601. - Hi.
- You must be Terry.
Copy !req
602. I'm sorry I've been hiding, honey,
but this dinner was tricky.
Copy !req
603. - Who are you?
- I'm Dr. Sheila Gamble, his wife.
Copy !req
604. - Come on, seriously. Who is that?
- His old lady.
Copy !req
605. - Sweetie, it's a workstation.
- Got it.
Copy !req
606. And you come in here,
dressed like a hobo, it's distracting.
Copy !req
607. I know you're working. I'm so sorry.
Copy !req
608. - Come on, seriously.
- Come on, what?
Copy !req
609. Who is that?
Copy !req
610. That's the old...
That's the old ball and chain.
Copy !req
611. Get over here.
Copy !req
612. - Not... Not right now.
- Okay.
Copy !req
613. Look, they're not all first-round picks, okay?
Copy !req
614. Come on, are you gonna tell me who that is?
Copy !req
615. - Are you really Allen's wife?
- I know.
Copy !req
616. People are shocked
because he's Episcopalian and I'm Catholic,
Copy !req
617. but somehow it works.
Copy !req
618. - Are you gonna change?
- I already did.
Copy !req
619. It's no big deal. You look really, really nice.
Copy !req
620. Terry, you don't have to be polite, okay?
She looks kind of shitty.
Copy !req
621. Don't speak to her like that, Allen.
Copy !req
622. Look, if I put that in my Cosmo Fashion App,
you'd probably get a D-.
Copy !req
623. Allen and his apps. He loves them.
Copy !req
624. You know he's designed three of his own?
One of them... Can I tell him?
Copy !req
625. One of them,
you can take a picture of anybody's face,
Copy !req
626. and it'll tell you
what the back of his head looks like.
Copy !req
627. - Faceback.
- Faceback.
Copy !req
628. Got some horrible reviews
coming out of the gate.
Copy !req
629. - It's gonna hit.
- It's gonna catch.
Copy !req
630. Why are you with Allen?
Copy !req
631. I mean, that's not what I meant.
I meant, how did you guys meet?
Copy !req
632. It's a really typical
"how we met" story, Terry.
Copy !req
633. You're gonna be bored by it.
Copy !req
634. I was a dancer for the Knicks while
finishing my residency at Columbia Hospital.
Copy !req
635. Allen came into the ER
with poison ivy on his rectum.
Copy !req
636. Yes.
Copy !req
637. Needless to say, I fell for him immediately.
Copy !req
638. We immediately spent the next three days
at the La Quinta Inn,
Copy !req
639. - and, to be honest, we didn't speak.
- Three days
Copy !req
640. of not communicating once verbally.
Copy !req
641. We had actually, without knowing it,
Copy !req
642. developed a language of eye flutters
and non-verbal gestures.
Copy !req
643. You know, Terry,
it was just this primal connection.
Copy !req
644. After those three days of non-verbal
communication and a whole lot of loving,
Copy !req
645. I had to go to a specialist
to get my hips realigned.
Copy !req
646. Similar to operating on a German shepherd
Copy !req
647. - when they have hip dysplasia.
- Very painful.
Copy !req
648. It's funny, it's like a scene from that
one movie, always forget the name of it.
Copy !req
649. - With Meg Ryan.
- Yes.
Copy !req
650. I don't remember a movie where Meg Ryan
meets a guy with poison ivy up his ass.
Copy !req
651. - I'll think of it. I'll think of it.
- Okay.
Copy !req
652. So, what about you, Terry?
Do you have a girl?
Copy !req
653. I did, yeah.
Copy !req
654. We were supposed to get married,
but she backed out. It's complicated.
Copy !req
655. - Terry shot Derek Jeter.
- Shut up, Allen. This was before.
Copy !req
656. That's okay.
Copy !req
657. She's Got Mail.
That's the name of the movie.
Copy !req
658. That's it! Honey!
Copy !req
659. - With Tom Hanks?
- Right.
Copy !req
660. - And Meg Ryan.
- Meg Ryan.
Copy !req
661. He didn't have poison ivy up his ass.
Copy !req
662. - Yes, he did.
- Yes, he did. Yeah.
Copy !req
663. Way up there.
Copy !req
664. Well, Terry, can't thank you enough
for coming by. What a...
Copy !req
665. What a wonderful, lovely evening.
Thank you.
Copy !req
666. - It was so, so nice meeting you, Terry.
- It was my pleasure. Thank you.
Copy !req
667. And remember, all I ask of you is,
you don't let him get hurt, Terry.
Copy !req
668. - She tells me that every day before I leave.
- Yep, I do.
Copy !req
669. I come downstairs and I make him
his fresh-cut strawberries,
Copy !req
670. and I say, "Listen, my little sugar balls,
whatever you do today,
Copy !req
671. "you just don't get hurt."
Copy !req
672. Yeah. Every morning.
Copy !req
673. And then I show him my breasts,
and I say, "These are waiting for you
Copy !req
674. - "when you get back home."
- Right.
Copy !req
675. You know, Terry, they're not
the biggest breasts he's ever seen,
Copy !req
676. - but, man, are they perky.
- Not by a long shot.
Copy !req
677. - And they are firm, and they are yours.
- You're a nice lady.
Copy !req
678. Thank you for coming.
Copy !req
679. Detectives Hoitz and Gamble?
Detectives Hoitz and Gamble? Over.
Copy !req
680. Go for Hoitz.
Copy !req
681. - We found your red Prius.
- Great.
Copy !req
682. It was trying to vote for Ralph Nader.
Copy !req
683. - Come on.
- Okay, sugar balls, listen up.
Copy !req
684. There's gonna be fingerprints on that car.
Copy !req
685. Tomorrow, we're gonna run those
fingerprints through the system.
Copy !req
686. And if we get a hit, this case is gonna
heat up faster than a junkie's spoon.
Copy !req
687. You do one thing
when you wake up tomorrow, bring it.
Copy !req
688. - Okay.
- Thank you, Sheila.
Copy !req
689. He'll bring it.
Copy !req
690. - Good night!
- Good night.
Copy !req
691. Thank you, Sheila.
Copy !req
692. - Bye, Terry!
- Bye, Sheila! I'll never forget tonight.
Copy !req
693. - Bye, Terry!
- All right, Allen, whatever. Go inside.
Copy !req
694. Bye, Sheila!
Copy !req
695. - Night!
- See you... See you, Terry!
Copy !req
696. Bye, Sheila.
Copy !req
697. I don't know if he heard me. Bye, Terry!
Copy !req
698. Bye, Sheila!
Copy !req
699. Well, here she is. They left her
under an overpass for the night.
Copy !req
700. You find anything?
Copy !req
701. Yeah. We found a lot of stuff.
Copy !req
702. From bodily fluid and hair samples,
Copy !req
703. we determined that a bunch of old,
homeless dudes had an orgy in the car.
Copy !req
704. - Oh, God.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
705. You know what that's called
when they do that in there?
Copy !req
706. That's called a soup kitchen.
Copy !req
707. It's pretty rough stuff.
Copy !req
708. Not long after that,
a mama raccoon came along
Copy !req
709. and gave birth on the floor.
Copy !req
710. Placenta blew out
all over the back window there.
Copy !req
711. Yeah, and then to top it all off,
some joker comes along
Copy !req
712. takes himself a nifty little dump
in the driver's seat.
Copy !req
713. I think he knew you guys were cops,
Copy !req
714. because this is what I would call
a spite shit.
Copy !req
715. You were able to determine all of that
Copy !req
716. - from the hair and fluid samples?
- Oh, yeah.
Copy !req
717. What about fingerprints?
You find any fingerprints?
Copy !req
718. - Nope, couldn't get a one.
- Found a cell phone.
Copy !req
719. Yeah, that's mine.
Copy !req
720. Any signs of a struggle or spent shells?
Copy !req
721. No. Believe me, everybody that was
in on this orgy was more than willing.
Copy !req
722. In fact, they even left you a note here.
Copy !req
723. "Thanks for the F-shack.
Love, Dirty Mike and the boys."
Copy !req
724. Here's something we found.
Copy !req
725. We found about a dozen
unscratched lottery tickets.
Copy !req
726. No fingerprints or nothing. Check that out.
Copy !req
727. Yeah, it's a real shame, you know.
I got myself a Prius. It's a hell of a machine.
Copy !req
728. It's my first brand-new car.
I've never owned a new car.
Copy !req
729. Found a deer vagina.
Copy !req
730. - What?
- Thought it was human lips at first.
Copy !req
731. Then we took a closer look.
It was definitely a deer vagina.
Copy !req
732. Not even a free ticket.
Copy !req
733. What are we gonna do?
Copy !req
734. We got no fingerprints,
a bunch of losing lottery tickets.
Copy !req
735. Look at this, there's a two-minute phone call
made after we were jumped.
Copy !req
736. - They used your phone?
- They ghost dialed.
Copy !req
737. Someone probably sat on it.
Copy !req
738. It could have recorded some of their
conversation when Ershon got grabbed.
Copy !req
739. We gotta hear the other side of that call.
Copy !req
740. Nope, no, it's nothing.
Copy !req
741. - Nothing? It's the only lead we have.
- It's nothing. It's nothing.
Copy !req
742. Why did you just get super jumpy?
Copy !req
743. What?
Copy !req
744. It's an ex-girlfriend, okay?
Copy !req
745. What's the matter?
What happened with you guys?
Copy !req
746. She was just a bit of a handful, that's it.
Copy !req
747. Allen, it's the only lead we have.
Copy !req
748. We either go with this
or we walk away from this case right now.
Copy !req
749. Fine. Let's go see her.
Copy !req
750. Hello, Christinith.
Copy !req
751. Hello, Allen.
Copy !req
752. - That's my partner, Terry.
- Hi, Telly.
Copy !req
753. - Holy shit. Dude.
- Just relax, relax.
Copy !req
754. I waited for you in Tower Records
for four hours.
Copy !req
755. That was 13 years ago.
Copy !req
756. Arnold Palmer alert. Arnold Palmer alert.
Who wants some Arnie Palmies?
Copy !req
757. Sweetie, this one has the vodky, right here.
Copy !req
758. - Hal, just place it down, please.
- All righty.
Copy !req
759. Okay.
Copy !req
760. I did things in bed with you
that I haven't done with anyone since.
Copy !req
761. No.
Copy !req
762. - Christinith, your husband, it's awkward.
- Oh, no, he knows all of this.
Copy !req
763. - You're a lucky dog.
- It's true.
Copy !req
764. Christine, this is a lovely house.
Copy !req
765. It's Christinith.
Are you stupid, or are you deaf?
Copy !req
766. Christinith, you idiot!
Copy !req
767. You come to our house,
you get my wife's name right!
Copy !req
768. - What?
- Christinith!
Copy !req
769. Look, we really appreciate the hospitality.
Copy !req
770. We'd just love to get the message off
your cell phone.
Copy !req
771. We believe it might give us information
regarding a kidnapping.
Copy !req
772. Okay. Why don't you come to the kitchen,
and I will let you listen to it
Copy !req
773. and everyone else stay here.
Copy !req
774. - Okay, sweetie.
- Come on.
Copy !req
775. - There's my phone.
- Great, thank you for...
Copy !req
776. I hate you, you son of a bitch!
Copy !req
777. - You're so strong.
- I'm stronger than you will ever know!
Copy !req
778. I hate you! I hate you!
Copy !req
779. You're so adorable.
Look at your face. Look at your face.
Copy !req
780. You go, "I wuv you."
Say it. "I wuv you, Cwistinith."
Copy !req
781. You probably think because of the beard
that I'm really hairy.
Copy !req
782. But I'm not.
Copy !req
783. Shaved.
Copy !req
784. - Allen!
- He's fine.
Copy !req
785. Question.
Copy !req
786. What would you rather be,
Copy !req
787. a bear or a dog?
Copy !req
788. - I don't care.
- I wanna be
Copy !req
789. a bear dog. Half dog, half bear.
Copy !req
790. 'Cause that way, I could live in the house
Copy !req
791. but I still get to make a doodie
out in the woods.
Copy !req
792. Allen!
Copy !req
793. Allen! Allen!
Copy !req
794. - This is police evidence. Terry! Let's go!
- Hey!
Copy !req
795. You get back here
and you make love to my wife!
Copy !req
796. Allen! Allen!
Copy !req
797. I don't get it, man. I just do not get it.
Copy !req
798. I mean,
that girl Christinith was seriously hot.
Copy !req
799. Your wife is crazy hot.
Copy !req
800. I mean, even that Brazilian security chick,
she threw you a "Do me" vibe.
Copy !req
801. What is it with you and hot ladies?
Copy !req
802. First off, my wife is cute, but she's not hot.
Copy !req
803. Dude, you're insane.
Your wife is scalding hot.
Copy !req
804. - You wanna listen to this message or not?
- Yeah, whatever.
Copy !req
805. You have one job, mate.
Copy !req
806. Find a sucker to invest with you
Copy !req
807. so you can pay my boss back
the money you lost.
Copy !req
808. And I don't care who.
Copy !req
809. Right. I actually think I found a sucker...
Copy !req
810. - He's talking to Ershon.
to invest $32 billion.
Copy !req
811. Who's got $32 billion to rob?
Copy !req
812. Once I get the money, I'll falsify the records
Copy !req
813. to show their massive losses
and then repay your employer.
Copy !req
814. Now, since you're following me,
I need to go to 2300 Park Avenue,
Copy !req
815. and after that...
Copy !req
816. I told you it wasn't a security team.
Copy !req
817. - He was being abducted.
- Obviously, but what kind... Holy...
Copy !req
818. Nobody leaves our house
without making love to my wife!
Copy !req
819. - Is that him?
- Yeah!
Copy !req
820. Oh, my God, they came out of nowhere!
Copy !req
821. - Holy shit!
- They chased us 20 miles.
Copy !req
822. - You come back here! You get back here!
- Allen!
Copy !req
823. 2300 Park Avenue.
It's the offices of the lottery.
Copy !req
824. Holy shit, the lottery tickets we found.
Copy !req
825. Ershon is using the lottery money
to cover his losses.
Copy !req
826. $32 billion. That's the state's money.
Copy !req
827. Well, what do we tell Mauch?
A guy lost some money.
Copy !req
828. We have a scratchy cell phone message
and an address. It's still half a case.
Copy !req
829. There's gotta be some sort of paper trail.
If we can find that, we can track it,
Copy !req
830. then we can go to Mauch.
Copy !req
831. So, I did some more research
on Ershon's accounting firm,
Copy !req
832. and I found some pretty interesting stuff.
Copy !req
833. It turns out that Gretchel and Dawson has...
Copy !req
834. Hold on, I'm up.
Copy !req
835. I gave my love to Erin
Copy !req
836. She promised to be true
Copy !req
837. I went to war to come back
Copy !req
838. And find five British soldiers
Copy !req
839. Had their way with her
Copy !req
840. It was consensual
Copy !req
841. Done?
Copy !req
842. Gretchel and Dawson Accounting Firm
in Fair Lawn, New Jersey
Copy !req
843. has only one client, David Ershon.
Copy !req
844. Pretty rinky-dink operation
for a guy like that.
Copy !req
845. Looks like we're going to Jersey
to visit an accounting firm.
Copy !req
846. That's a shitty day.
Copy !req
847. And all their fathers were hanged
Copy !req
848. And the children all got pink eye
Copy !req
849. While their Harry Potter books were burned
Copy !req
850. Do you have fun singing those songs?
They're really depressing.
Copy !req
851. I do. They're full of rich history.
Copy !req
852. Damn it, I'm late.
I was supposed to go meet my lady.
Copy !req
853. I thought you said you guys split up.
Copy !req
854. Let's just keep our thing about work, okay?
Copy !req
855. All right. Goodbye, buddy.
Copy !req
856. Hey, get off me, man.
Copy !req
857. What the hell are you doing?
Copy !req
858. I'm dancing, Terry.
What the hell are you doing here?
Copy !req
859. I love you, Francine.
Copy !req
860. If you were with me, you wouldn't be here
in this strip club, shaking it for dollar bills!
Copy !req
861. This is a ballet studio, Terry.
Okay? These poles are horizontal.
Copy !req
862. He loves you very much, Francine.
Copy !req
863. - Who is this guy?
- What are you doing here, Allen?
Copy !req
864. It's the code. I'm your partner.
Copy !req
865. I'm here to support a friend
and a work colleague.
Copy !req
866. Francine, is this guy bothering you?
Copy !req
867. Who's this, your new boyfriend?
Great. You got a new boyfriend.
Copy !req
868. He is my dance partner, Terry. Okay?
Copy !req
869. I know that this is a big surprise,
Copy !req
870. but there are other things in the world
besides being a cop. Okay?
Copy !req
871. Now, if you will excuse me, I'm gonna dance.
Copy !req
872. What, you don't think I can do this shit?
Copy !req
873. That was surprisingly good, Terry.
Copy !req
874. - I love you, Francine.
- You don't know what love is.
Copy !req
875. He loves you very much, Francine!
Copy !req
876. I heard it when he said it. Thank you.
Copy !req
877. You know what you're doing to me?
You're killing me inside.
Copy !req
878. And don't eyeball me, man!
Copy !req
879. You're running around
with this crack-dealing drug addict?
Copy !req
880. Terry!
Copy !req
881. He does not approve of your behavior!
Copy !req
882. Can you please go?
Copy !req
883. And you, too,
creepy guy standing in the door?
Copy !req
884. Let's go, Allen.
Copy !req
885. I think we all experienced
our own ballet today.
Copy !req
886. The ballet of emotion and feelings.
Copy !req
887. You're kind of making things worse.
Copy !req
888. - You okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
Copy !req
889. Hey, I didn't know you could dance.
Copy !req
890. We used to do those dance moves
to make fun of guys when we were kids,
Copy !req
891. show them how queer they were, okay?
Copy !req
892. - You learned to dance like that sarcastically?
- Yeah, I guess.
Copy !req
893. Stay out of my personal life, okay?
The kid flies private.
Copy !req
894. Stay focused on the case, man.
I'll see you in Jersey tomorrow.
Copy !req
895. All right, Terry.
Copy !req
896. Hey, that was liberating for me.
I don't know how it felt for you.
Copy !req
897. Here, check this out.
Article from six months ago.
Copy !req
898. Talking about how the lottery is looking
Copy !req
899. to invest their $30-billion fund
more aggressively.
Copy !req
900. So he's dealing drugs?
Copy !req
901. No, it's not drugs. This isn't Miami Vice.
Copy !req
902. Look, I'm sorry. I just...
Copy !req
903. I am in a bit of a state today.
Sheila and I got into it last night.
Copy !req
904. What happened?
Copy !req
905. She was interested in taking this class
at The Learning Annex, right?
Copy !req
906. Called "The Art of Oral Sex"?
Copy !req
907. You know, we just don't have it
in the budget right now.
Copy !req
908. It's always about her.
Copy !req
909. Yeah, that's... That's messed up.
Copy !req
910. Hey, I got you a gift.
Copy !req
911. I just saw something, and I thought of you,
and so, I don't want it to be weird.
Copy !req
912. I just wanted to be nice.
Copy !req
913. Of course it's weird.
Copy !req
914. It's a grown man
giving another man a present.
Copy !req
915. There you go. Open it up.
Copy !req
916. It's okay, you're welcome.
Copy !req
917. I like to do things like that.
Copy !req
918. Take a look what it says.
Copy !req
919. You know,
because we're both in law enforcement.
Copy !req
920. We both like women.
Copy !req
921. But I got a weird sense of humor.
I'm a sick puppy.
Copy !req
922. I can't look at it. It makes me laugh so hard.
Copy !req
923. Me, too.
Copy !req
924. Real nice. You know, it's all class.
Copy !req
925. - Okay.
- Don't do that shit any more.
Copy !req
926. Yeah, believe me, I won't.
Copy !req
927. Do you understand
what's so funny about it, though?
Copy !req
928. 'Cause it's the FBI, right?
It has the same logo, the same shield.
Copy !req
929. And at first glance, you're like,
it's just a mug that says "FBI."
Copy !req
930. But then at second glance,
you're like, "Female Body Inspector"?
Copy !req
931. Get out of town. This is outrageous...
Copy !req
932. Shut up!
Copy !req
933. I'm gonna climb over
that anger wall of yours
Copy !req
934. one of these days,
Copy !req
935. and it's gonna be glorious.
Copy !req
936. Shouldn't we tell Mauch that
we're going to check this place out?
Copy !req
937. For what? We're just going to check it out.
Copy !req
938. I know, but it's procedure.
Copy !req
939. Terry answers to no one.
Copy !req
940. I do what I do.
Copy !req
941. What accounting firm is closed at 11:00 a.m.
On a Tuesday?
Copy !req
942. This is a shithole.
Copy !req
943. I love bombs.
Copy !req
944. I can't hear! I can't hear!
Copy !req
945. There's blood blisters on my hands!
Copy !req
946. Oh, my God!
Copy !req
947. How do they walk away in movies
without flinching
Copy !req
948. when it explodes behind them?
Copy !req
949. There's no way! I call bullshit on that!
Copy !req
950. When they flew the Millennium Falcon
outside of the Death Star,
Copy !req
951. and it was followed by the explosion,
that was bullshit!
Copy !req
952. Don't you dare badmouth Star Wars!
That was all accurate!
Copy !req
953. I need an MRI.
Copy !req
954. I need an MRI! I've got soft tissue damage.
Copy !req
955. There's no way
I don't have soft tissue damage.
Copy !req
956. Please stop.
Copy !req
957. I just wanna go somewhere
and breastfeed right now!
Copy !req
958. Fire Department said it was a gas leak,
but no way. That was timed.
Copy !req
959. They didn't wanna kill us,
but they wanted to scare us.
Copy !req
960. Yeah, well, they succeeded, okay?
Copy !req
961. I'm tired of this. All right?
Copy !req
962. I'm tired of explosions
and people pointing guns at me.
Copy !req
963. I wanna go back to my desk.
Copy !req
964. Guess what? Life gets loud sometimes
and messes with your ears.
Copy !req
965. You can't escape it by hiding
at your desk for your whole life.
Copy !req
966. You know what? Yes, you can.
I've done it for years, okay?
Copy !req
967. There's no explosions at my desk.
Copy !req
968. There's no explosions at my home
with my plain wife, in my plain house.
Copy !req
969. What are you afraid of, man?
Copy !req
970. I'm your partner. You can tell me.
What the hell are you hiding from?
Copy !req
971. I was a sophomore in college.
Copy !req
972. The university I went to
decided they needed to raise tuition.
Copy !req
973. A classmate of mine, Brenda, in an effort
to raise money and stay in school,
Copy !req
974. came up with a nifty plan
Copy !req
975. where she thought she'd date guys
and charge them money.
Copy !req
976. I go on dates all the time,
Copy !req
977. with a whole bunch of,
you know, boys and stuff.
Copy !req
978. And I kind of need somebody to help me out,
like, you know, my partner in crime.
Copy !req
979. Yeah, I could make a schedule.
Copy !req
980. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
that's what I was thinking.
Copy !req
981. - Provide transportation services.
- Yeah, yeah.
Copy !req
982. - It's gonna be a good time.
- Thanks so much for asking me.
Copy !req
983. She said she needed my help to make sure
that the dates went okay
Copy !req
984. and that the guys paid her.
She said she'd give me a percentage.
Copy !req
985. - Oh, my God. You were a pimp.
- What? God, no.
Copy !req
986. No, I was just trying to help a friend.
Copy !req
987. We started making a lot of money.
Copy !req
988. And wouldn't you know it,
some of Brenda's girlfriends
Copy !req
989. decided they wanted to be a part of it.
Copy !req
990. Pretty soon, there were about 14 ladies
that I was protecting
Copy !req
991. while they gave me money.
Copy !req
992. That's called a stable of whores.
Copy !req
993. We decided I shouldn't use my real name.
So we came up with the name "Gator."
Copy !req
994. I'm telling you, you were a pimp.
Copy !req
995. No! Are you even listening to the story?
Copy !req
996. Anyway, one day,
I wake up and I look in the mirror,
Copy !req
997. and I don't like what I see.
Copy !req
998. I mean, I had gotten out of control,
and I didn't even realize it.
Copy !req
999. You can't have a conscience
in the pimp game.
Copy !req
1000. One night, two of my favorite girls,
Copy !req
1001. Candy and Jolene, said,
"We gotta take you in,"
Copy !req
1002. and they dropped me off
at the emergency room.
Copy !req
1003. That's where I met Sheila. I was a mess.
Copy !req
1004. I made a promise to myself and to her
that I would never get out of control again.
Copy !req
1005. So, as soon as I graduated from college,
Copy !req
1006. I became an accountant
for the police department.
Copy !req
1007. The most stable job I could think of.
Copy !req
1008. An accountant for law and order.
Copy !req
1009. I just don't wanna ever feel out of control
like that ever again.
Copy !req
1010. Don't worry. I got your back.
Copy !req
1011. Now I say we go get in Ershon's grill
and see if he cracks.
Copy !req
1012. - I'm tired of all this tippy-toeing around.
- Okay.
Copy !req
1013. You can either walk the plank
or take your panties off.
Copy !req
1014. The choice is yours.
Copy !req
1015. - I want to take my panties off.
- You've made a wise choice, you have.
Copy !req
1016. Mr. Ershon, Detective Gamble and the officer
who shot Derek Jeter are here.
Copy !req
1017. Gentlemen, please.
Copy !req
1018. - Remember us, hotshot?
- Of course I do. Please, sit.
Copy !req
1019. There she blows.
Copy !req
1020. Two of those Russian waters, please.
No lime wedges, just cucumber.
Copy !req
1021. Guess where we just came from?
An explosion at your accounting office.
Copy !req
1022. Yes, that awful gas leak.
Copy !req
1023. Gas leak? The only gas leak is the one
coming out of your mouth right now.
Copy !req
1024. I just thank God
no one was hurt or injured in a bad way.
Copy !req
1025. I absolutely abhor death.
Copy !req
1026. Hey, Andrew Lloyd Webber.
The jig is up, okay?
Copy !req
1027. We know that wasn't your security team
that grabbed you.
Copy !req
1028. And we know you're targeting a big fish
to cover losses.
Copy !req
1029. You talk or I beat you
so it don't show no bruises.
Copy !req
1030. God, this water is good.
Terry, have you tried the water?
Copy !req
1031. Shut up, Allen.
Copy !req
1032. I assure you,
I have no idea what you're talking about.
Copy !req
1033. I understand there was a bit of a mix-up
with the whole scaffolding business.
Copy !req
1034. The cucumber accents the water
in such a way that...
Copy !req
1035. Perhaps by way of apology,
I can offer you my personal courtside seats
Copy !req
1036. for the Knicks game,
with access to the Ambassador Club.
Copy !req
1037. Come on, Knicks! Come on!
I got Knicks' fever and it's catching!
Copy !req
1038. Hey. This feels weird sitting here.
It feels like it's a bribe.
Copy !req
1039. It is a bribe. Son-of-a-bitch,
I saw courtside and I went blind.
Copy !req
1040. Come on.
Copy !req
1041. Call me!
Copy !req
1042. - Excuse me.
- That was a trick.
Copy !req
1043. No more.
Copy !req
1044. Gentlemen, you have a choice.
Mamma Mia or Jersey Boys.
Copy !req
1045. Fantastic! You're so unbelievable!
Copy !req
1046. Damn it. He did it again.
Copy !req
1047. - Excuse me.
- No more tickets.
Copy !req
1048. Mr. Ershon,
I tried to keep them in the waiting room.
Copy !req
1049. That's okay, Susan. Two Glacier waters
with Mediterranean limes.
Copy !req
1050. No, no, no. No more water.
We're not here for that.
Copy !req
1051. No, I was very much looking forward
to having a water.
Copy !req
1052. - How great is Jersey Boys?
- It's not great. It's fantastic!
Copy !req
1053. You totally undersold it.
The pageantry, the costumes.
Copy !req
1054. Wow, what a musical.
Copy !req
1055. Hey. Get over here.
Copy !req
1056. - What's wrong with you?
- What?
Copy !req
1057. That's not what we're here for.
Copy !req
1058. We're gonna do good cop, bad cop. Okay?
Copy !req
1059. It's the oldest game in the book for a reason,
it works.
Copy !req
1060. I come strong, then you come in.
Copy !req
1061. - You got it?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1062. - I come strong, then you come in.
- Right. Got it.
Copy !req
1063. Now you listen to me, you piece of shit.
Copy !req
1064. It's just you and me,
and I'm gonna rip you apart!
Copy !req
1065. How did you cover your losses up?
What drug cartel are you working with now?
Copy !req
1066. - Okay, I'll talk to you, you're reasonable!
- No, no, look at me!
Copy !req
1067. You wanna talk to me?
You wanna talk to me?
Copy !req
1068. Allen, what are you doing?
What are you doing? Allen!
Copy !req
1069. I'm gonna make you eat
a plate of human shit!
Copy !req
1070. Get away from me!
Copy !req
1071. Where is he?
Copy !req
1072. Look, I'm really sorry about that.
Copy !req
1073. I saw how aggressive you were being,
and I thought,
Copy !req
1074. "Wow, I gotta go even bigger than that,
since we're doing bad cop, bad cop."
Copy !req
1075. What? No, I said, "Good cop, bad cop."
I'm the bad cop, you're the good cop.
Copy !req
1076. Okay, then there it is. That's it.
I thought you said, "Bad cop, bad cop."
Copy !req
1077. Well, while you were going crazy,
look what I snagged from his desk.
Copy !req
1078. - Think it's his phone sheet.
- Nice.
Copy !req
1079. Seven calls to the lottery office.
Copy !req
1080. That could be the evidence
we need for Mauch.
Copy !req
1081. - Get back. Colombian drug lords.
- Where are you getting that from?
Copy !req
1082. Jesus!
Copy !req
1083. Can you imagine where you'd be
in your career if you hadn't shot Jeter?
Copy !req
1084. - We call this in, right?
- Looks like we got all the evidence we need.
Copy !req
1085. I'm sorry, my butterfly.
Copy !req
1086. We'll load them up, send them back to go.
Copy !req
1087. - Holy shit.
- What?
Copy !req
1088. What do you mean, what? Where are we?
Copy !req
1089. We're in the high desert.
Copy !req
1090. They took my shoes again, man!
What the hell is it with taking shoes?
Copy !req
1091. - They took your wooden gun?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1092. - Hello?
- Hello, Gene? I mean, Captain.
Copy !req
1093. Captain, it's Allen Gamble.
Copy !req
1094. Yeah, yeah. Where are you?
What's going on?
Copy !req
1095. Captain, it's a long story,
but I'm just gonna cut to the chase.
Copy !req
1096. We are in Las Vegas, all right?
Copy !req
1097. We were kidnapped, put on a freight train,
and shipped out here.
Copy !req
1098. Let me just stop you right there.
Don't bullshit me.
Copy !req
1099. Captain, I am being straight with you.
Copy !req
1100. Look, we think something's going on, okay?
Copy !req
1101. We think Ershon is targeting the lottery
to cover his losses.
Copy !req
1102. Wait. How many times
did I explicitly say to you, "Lay off Ershon"?
Copy !req
1103. Terry, Captain wants to know
Copy !req
1104. how many times
has he asked us to lay off Ershon.
Copy !req
1105. Twice.
Copy !req
1106. Twice. Terry says twice. I agree.
Copy !req
1107. I'm hanging up. I'm done.
Copy !req
1108. I gotta tell you, I started getting a hand
for that, a taste for that Pai Gow.
Copy !req
1109. Martin and Fosse, super cops,
in three, two...
Copy !req
1110. So, we busted that junkie.
Got back 74 thou in diamonds. 74 thou.
Copy !req
1111. Solved the Castien case.
Copy !req
1112. $74,000? That's all they took?
Copy !req
1113. There's millions of dollars of diamonds
in that place.
Copy !req
1114. How about this, Gamble?
How about you shut your face?
Copy !req
1115. All right? Just shut it.
Copy !req
1116. Hoitz, Gamble, Captain's looking for you.
Copy !req
1117. I know it's off the subject,
but is Kevlar copyrighted?
Copy !req
1118. - Captain?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1119. - Is it a bad time?
- No, come on. Come on.
Copy !req
1120. - Not me, right?
- Yeah, and you.
Copy !req
1121. Fellows, I'm sure you're familiar with
the venerable DA Radford.
Copy !req
1122. He wanted to come down and pay us a visit.
Copy !req
1123. Hello, gentlemen.
Copy !req
1124. - Hello, sir.
- Hey.
Copy !req
1125. - You know, I was talking to Gene here.
- He prefers "Captain."
Copy !req
1126. Yes, I was talking to Gene here,
and, you know, it's funny.
Copy !req
1127. I don't know what you two have been up to,
Copy !req
1128. but I've been getting calls
from people I don't ever get calls from.
Copy !req
1129. In 40 years of enforcing the law,
I've learned one thing.
Copy !req
1130. When that happens, stop.
Copy !req
1131. - Gene, how's the family?
- Good, good, Louis, thanks for asking.
Copy !req
1132. - My son's bisexual, so...
- Tremendous.
Copy !req
1133. Gentlemen, do we understand each other?
Copy !req
1134. - Cut the crap!
- Will do.
Copy !req
1135. Guy never comes down here.
Copy !req
1136. Twenty years, I think I've seen that guy
in this building one time.
Copy !req
1137. - He's a heavyweight cat, that guy.
- He was sitting right here.
Copy !req
1138. Yeah. I think you missed the point.
Anyway, look.
Copy !req
1139. Blue and white found your firearms down
by the Hudson River. Here you go, Terry.
Copy !req
1140. You know what?
Copy !req
1141. I'm gonna hang on to the wooden gun.
Copy !req
1142. - To give me back my real gun?
- No.
Copy !req
1143. 'Cause I'm gonna give you this.
Copy !req
1144. It's a rape whistle.
You blow that if you run into any trouble
Copy !req
1145. and someone with an actual gun
will come and help you out.
Copy !req
1146. We were abducted, Captain! This shit is real!
Ershon's dirty. He's targeting the lottery!
Copy !req
1147. Next, I want you guys to hand in all
the evidence you think you have to the SEC.
Copy !req
1148. The financial district's
under their jurisdiction.
Copy !req
1149. Don't you get it? This case is talking to us!
Copy !req
1150. I'm a peacock, Captain!
You gotta let me fly on this one!
Copy !req
1151. You know what, Terry? Let's just settle this.
Peacocks don't fly.
Copy !req
1152. - They fly, they fly a little bit.
- Yeah, about as much as a penguin.
Copy !req
1153. One more thing, do me a favor,
don't go chasing waterfalls.
Copy !req
1154. Was that accidental, or were you trying
to quote TLC on purpose?
Copy !req
1155. I don't even understand the reference.
Copy !req
1156. - You don't understand what you said?
- I don't know what that is.
Copy !req
1157. Get out. Go.
Copy !req
1158. How did they get that story?
Copy !req
1159. I'm tired of being treated like a jerk
for trying to do the right thing.
Copy !req
1160. Hey, guys.
Copy !req
1161. There's a proxy vote for a big reinvestment
of the pension coming up,
Copy !req
1162. - so if you just wanna come by the old...
- Damn it, Bob!
Copy !req
1163. Let me ask you something.
Copy !req
1164. What do you even do around here
besides interrupt people?
Copy !req
1165. Well, I serve as treasurer to the union.
Copy !req
1166. I make a wicked pot of decaf.
Copy !req
1167. Exactly! You're a worthless piece of shit!
Copy !req
1168. Probably right, Terry.
That's why I feel so sad all the time.
Copy !req
1169. I'm gonna go for a walk.
Copy !req
1170. - Bob!
- Say something.
Copy !req
1171. Come on! Bob!
Copy !req
1172. I didn't mean it, all right? I'm upset.
Copy !req
1173. Actually, we don't do that here.
This is an installation art piece.
Copy !req
1174. - This coffee table?
- Yes. We don't put drinks on it.
Copy !req
1175. - Five hundred thousand?
- He can read! Congratulations.
Copy !req
1176. - What?
- I'm sorry, are you in the right place?
Copy !req
1177. Or not? I'm...
Copy !req
1178. - Terry.
- Does he... Okay.
Copy !req
1179. - Well...
- Sorry. Terry! What are you doing here?
Copy !req
1180. - I want to be with you.
- No, Terry, that's not gonna happen.
Copy !req
1181. You know where you belong.
On top of me in the Poconos.
Copy !req
1182. Instead, you're here
selling dirty coffee tables?
Copy !req
1183. I mean, look at this. This is nonsense!
Copy !req
1184. Terry, this is an original Haverfield-Jameson.
Copy !req
1185. The chaos of the coffee table?
It represents our fractured egos.
Copy !req
1186. You think I don't know
about this artsy-fartsy crap?
Copy !req
1187. This coffee table isn't the ego. It represents
our shattered sense of community
Copy !req
1188. in the face of capitalist-driven isolation.
Copy !req
1189. Looks like the work of Cindy Sherman
or Frank Stella.
Copy !req
1190. How did you know that, Terry?
Copy !req
1191. I took some classes at RISD
Copy !req
1192. so I could make fun of these lame artsy
douches in my neighborhood.
Copy !req
1193. - Terry, lower your voice!
- I don't have to lower my voice.
Copy !req
1194. - Is this man bothering you?
- Are you actually having sex with this creep?
Copy !req
1195. Terry, he's gay. Okay?
Copy !req
1196. He's even wearing a T-shirt that says,
"I'm gay"!
Copy !req
1197. All right? And also, he is my boss.
Copy !req
1198. Happy for you, man. Good.
Copy !req
1199. Can you get out of here now?
I'm talking to my lady.
Copy !req
1200. Mr. Reger, everything is fine.
Terry is actually leaving now.
Copy !req
1201. Nice toot, sailor. Jesus.
Copy !req
1202. Terry, what are you doing?
Copy !req
1203. Look, I waited three years
for you to be more than a cop, okay?
Copy !req
1204. Just give me one more year.
Copy !req
1205. Terry, you don't get another year. I'm done.
Copy !req
1206. Fine.
Copy !req
1207. - Terry, don't touch that! Terry!
- Oh, my God!
Copy !req
1208. I don't need this shit. I don't need you!
Copy !req
1209. And when you call me, I'm not coming back!
Copy !req
1210. - Oh, boy! Over the top!
- How outre!
Copy !req
1211. I'll burn this bitch down to the ground!
Copy !req
1212. - Fresh! Energetic!
- I love his rawness!
Copy !req
1213. Stop critiquing me, okay?
I'm a human being! I'm not a piece of art!
Copy !req
1214. - Yes, you are.
- Bravo!
Copy !req
1215. I'm a peacock flying into a rainbow!
Copy !req
1216. Yes! Yes!
Copy !req
1217. These braised short ribs taste
like a dog's asshole.
Copy !req
1218. - Sweetie.
- You know what, I'm sitting here thinking,
Copy !req
1219. "Who in the world would slow roast
a dog's asshole
Copy !req
1220. "and serve it to their husband?"
Copy !req
1221. - You would.
- You are being awful. What's wrong?
Copy !req
1222. - Captain took us off the case.
- I'm sorry.
Copy !req
1223. I told Terry about my dark days in college,
and it brought up some feelings.
Copy !req
1224. Well, honey dick, that was a long time ago.
You're not that same person you were.
Copy !req
1225. No, you don't get it.
There is a darkness inside of me.
Copy !req
1226. It wants to get out. It wants to walk around.
Copy !req
1227. It wants some walking around money,
and it wants to buy some shoes.
Copy !req
1228. And it wants to walk up with the people
and say, "Hey, Gator don't play no shit."
Copy !req
1229. - You feel me?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1230. Gator never been about that,
never been about playing no shit.
Copy !req
1231. - Sweetie, I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
Copy !req
1232. - I just...
- Remember that night we met?
Copy !req
1233. The attending physician told me,
"We got a drugged-out pimp in the back."
Copy !req
1234. And I went back there,
and I pulled open that curtain,
Copy !req
1235. and I saw you.
Copy !req
1236. You were weak, scared,
Copy !req
1237. ass up, inflamed, crying.
Copy !req
1238. At that moment, I knew.
"Hey, he's no pimp. Pimps don't cry."
Copy !req
1239. Pimps don't cry
Copy !req
1240. No, they don't
Copy !req
1241. They don't shed a tear
Copy !req
1242. Pimps don't cry
Copy !req
1243. They never shed a tear
Copy !req
1244. Come lay with me.
Be safe, and let's make love. Come on.
Copy !req
1245. Every time you say, "Be safe,"
it tears me apart.
Copy !req
1246. You gotta let me be who I'm gonna be.
Copy !req
1247. Allen, I'm pregnant.
Copy !req
1248. Whose baby is that?
Copy !req
1249. Who's the man who did that to you?
Gator's bitches better be using jimmies!
Copy !req
1250. I'm sorry. See, that's what I'm talking about.
Copy !req
1251. Oh, my God.
Copy !req
1252. You need to leave.
Copy !req
1253. Get out! Get out, Allen! Get out!
Copy !req
1254. Hey.
Copy !req
1255. Hey. What are you doing here?
Copy !req
1256. Come here when I have lady troubles,
which means I come here about every night.
Copy !req
1257. What are you doing here?
Copy !req
1258. Sheila and I got into it tonight.
Copy !req
1259. She threw me out.
Copy !req
1260. Well, you're not a cop till your wife
throws you out of the house, partner.
Copy !req
1261. Does it bother you that the Castien robbers
only took 74 grand in diamonds?
Copy !req
1262. They're junkies. Who cares? I mean...
Copy !req
1263. I don't know if a junkie can go down
a 20-story zipline, though.
Copy !req
1264. How you fellas doing?
Copy !req
1265. We're about to have us a little screw party
in this red Prius over here
Copy !req
1266. if you wanna join us.
Copy !req
1267. You're not going
anywhere near that Prius, okay?
Copy !req
1268. Here's what we're talking about.
We're talking about a bunch of hobos
Copy !req
1269. with fingers in each other's pooper
Copy !req
1270. in a stranger's car
with talk radio playing really loud.
Copy !req
1271. It's gonna be a nice evening.
Copy !req
1272. Well, we're not participating in that.
We have no interest.
Copy !req
1273. Let me rephrase it.
Copy !req
1274. We got a jar of old mustard,
and we got a poodle,
Copy !req
1275. and we're just get in there
and we're gonna put some D's in some A's.
Copy !req
1276. Hey, are you Dirty Mike and the boys?
Copy !req
1277. - How do you know who we are?
- You left a note in that car.
Copy !req
1278. - Police, shithead.
- He's a copper. We gotta go. Come on!
Copy !req
1279. Hey! Goose it, boys! They're cops!
Copy !req
1280. Rub your dicks on the car
as you're running away!
Copy !req
1281. You turned my beautiful Prius
into a nightmare!
Copy !req
1282. We are gonna have sex in your car!
It will happen again!
Copy !req
1283. I don't know where I'm gonna sleep tonight.
Copy !req
1284. Fortunately, I know
where you're gonna be drinking.
Copy !req
1285. Jack of All Trades. Drinks on me. Come on.
Copy !req
1286. - No, I already have a beer.
- No, no, no, no.
Copy !req
1287. I'm talking about doing
some serious drinking.
Copy !req
1288. Drinking with Terry Hoitz.
Copy !req
1289. This sucks, man.
Work our ass off on this case,
Copy !req
1290. now we gotta hand over
all of our evidence?
Copy !req
1291. Yeah, it's not right.
Copy !req
1292. Oh, my God, I'm hungover.
Copy !req
1293. So, you guys are law enforcement?
Copy !req
1294. Yeah, we're an independent
government agency who,
Copy !req
1295. along with the FBI and the Federal Reserve,
Copy !req
1296. regulate the stock market
and corporate fraud.
Copy !req
1297. And the Federal Reserve is a prison?
Copy !req
1298. No, basically, it's a held-for-profit bank
that sets interest rates
Copy !req
1299. and loans money to other banks.
Copy !req
1300. - Is that a wastebasket?
- Yeah, right there.
Copy !req
1301. Thank you.
Copy !req
1302. - You all right?
- Holy hell!
Copy !req
1303. I'm so sorry.
Copy !req
1304. I got so drunk last night.
Copy !req
1305. I think I thought a tube of toothpaste
was astronaut food.
Copy !req
1306. Come on in, fellas.
Copy !req
1307. You gotta be kidding me.
You're Ershon's lawyer.
Copy !req
1308. We're turning over our investigation to you?
Copy !req
1309. Let me assure you there will be
no conflict of interest
Copy !req
1310. between me and David Ershon.
Copy !req
1311. And if this were an actual investigation,
I would immediately recuse myself.
Copy !req
1312. This is all the evidence we have,
and I truly hope you take this seriously.
Copy !req
1313. Yes. Very much so.
Copy !req
1314. From everything I've heard, I understand
Copy !req
1315. you guys are the best
at these types of investigations.
Copy !req
1316. Outside of Enron and AIG
Copy !req
1317. and Bernie Madoff,
Copy !req
1318. WorldCom, Bear Stearns, Lehman Brothers.
Copy !req
1319. Okay. Thank you. Thank you, Detective.
Copy !req
1320. - Would you like a seat, or you're fine?
- No, I'm good.
Copy !req
1321. Okay. Let me just assure you fellas,
Copy !req
1322. David Ershon is an upstanding citizen.
Copy !req
1323. I am playing squash with him
tonight at the club,
Copy !req
1324. and we're having dinner.
Copy !req
1325. You listen to me,
you Windsor knot-wearing monkey,
Copy !req
1326. you play squash with Ershon, right?
Copy !req
1327. Your kids go to school with his?
How would you know if he's clean or not?
Copy !req
1328. I will take a look at your evidence,
Copy !req
1329. and I will take a second look
at the financials.
Copy !req
1330. And when I come back and bust your ass,
Copy !req
1331. we're locking David Ershon
in the Federal Reserve!
Copy !req
1332. He still doesn't understand the concept.
Copy !req
1333. What are you doing?
Copy !req
1334. We just handed all of our evidence over
to the bad guy's lawyer!
Copy !req
1335. Are you a big man, huh?
Copy !req
1336. - I'm talking to you.
- What?
Copy !req
1337. You wake up in the morning, you say,
"I'm putting on my big boy pants"?
Copy !req
1338. "Look, I'm wearing a belt!
Copy !req
1339. - "I've got big boy pants on!"
- No!
Copy !req
1340. You borrow a little jacket, you go?
Copy !req
1341. You take your lunch
'cause you got big boy pants on?
Copy !req
1342. You got your big boy pants and your snack?
Copy !req
1343. I could say big, loud things!
Copy !req
1344. I could be demonstrative!
Copy !req
1345. - Stop!
- We don't, we don't do this!
Copy !req
1346. You're scaring the shit out of me, man!
Stop it!
Copy !req
1347. Is this how you conduct yourself?
In a democracy?
Copy !req
1348. What the hell are you doing, man?
Copy !req
1349. I'm so tired of you getting angry
and yelling all the time.
Copy !req
1350. It's exhausting.
Copy !req
1351. I feel like I'm partners with the Hulk.
Copy !req
1352. You wanna know why
I'm so angry all the time?
Copy !req
1353. 'Cause the more I try and do right,
the more I screw things up.
Copy !req
1354. We've got a possible jumper
at 3 World Financial Center, 23rd floor.
Copy !req
1355. All units, fire department, en route.
Copy !req
1356. - SEC.
- Beaman's office.
Copy !req
1357. We have to go.
Copy !req
1358. - But the Captain.
- We have to go, Allen.
Copy !req
1359. All units, I need a respondent.
Possible jumper, 3 World Financial Center.
Copy !req
1360. Shit. It's Beaman!
Copy !req
1361. - He's gotta know something.
- Wesley!
Copy !req
1362. Detective Hoitz and Gamble. We got this.
Copy !req
1363. I took an online class
at University of Phoenix on negotiating.
Copy !req
1364. I'm gonna need a priest and a bullhorn.
Copy !req
1365. - I got no bullhorn.
- Does anyone have a bullhorn?
Copy !req
1366. - Bullhorn, anyone?
- Truck.
Copy !req
1367. Police business.
I need to use your PA system.
Copy !req
1368. Okay, let me turn it on.
Copy !req
1369. Mr. Beaman? Mr. Don Beaman?
Copy !req
1370. It's Wesley. I know Ershon's Wesley's...
Copy !req
1371. Look, there's a lot to live for in this life.
Copy !req
1372. A lot of great things, like soda pop,
big fresh can of soda pop.
Copy !req
1373. They do not care!
Copy !req
1374. Give me this. I know how to talk to him.
Copy !req
1375. Listen, we all know you're a scumbag,
and nobody cares about you.
Copy !req
1376. Rotten piece of shit.
Copy !req
1377. That's worse than what I was saying.
Copy !req
1378. I'm not gonna lie to you, Don.
Copy !req
1379. People down here are starting to murmur
that you don't have the balls to do it.
Copy !req
1380. - I don't care!
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1381. I say you can do it.
Copy !req
1382. I mean, I don't want you to jump.
I'm just saying you have the capability.
Copy !req
1383. Look, he's flying!
Copy !req
1384. Stop that.
Copy !req
1385. Half empty bottle of gin. Chair knocked over.
Copy !req
1386. Look at this, it's a clear sign of a struggle.
Make sure you get this, all right?
Copy !req
1387. Detectives, all your work's done here.
You can go.
Copy !req
1388. What about Ershon targeting the lottery?
Copy !req
1389. You know why Ershon was calling down
to the lottery offices all those times?
Copy !req
1390. Because he was hooking up
with the Powerball girl,
Copy !req
1391. the one on TV with all the numbered balls.
Copy !req
1392. Yeah. She filed a restraining order on him
last week.
Copy !req
1393. It was right there in front of you
the whole time.
Copy !req
1394. - Can't be.
- You guys are getting transferred.
Copy !req
1395. - What?
- Traffic.
Copy !req
1396. Yeah, that's right.
Copy !req
1397. You, you're gonna walk a beat downtown.
You're gonna walk a beat downtown.
Copy !req
1398. - It's done. No, no. It's done.
- Captain, what are you talking about?
Copy !req
1399. - Save yourselves some gas.
- Captain!
Copy !req
1400. Is there an appeal process we can...
Copy !req
1401. Had to do what you had to do, Captain.
Copy !req
1402. Wow! That hurt.
Copy !req
1403. - Excuse me. Where's my car?
- They towed it.
Copy !req
1404. Couple of homeless people
were messing around in it.
Copy !req
1405. - That's an official police car.
- Could have fooled me.
Copy !req
1406. Wow, Mauch was upset, huh?
Copy !req
1407. Really?
Copy !req
1408. The only thing I had to be proud of
in my life was being a detective.
Copy !req
1409. That was all I had. Now it's gone.
Copy !req
1410. I know. I know. You still got me.
Copy !req
1411. Don't you get it?
I don't want you, Allen, okay? I never did.
Copy !req
1412. I told you that scaffolding violation
was dogshit.
Copy !req
1413. I can't believe you still doubt me
after everything we've seen.
Copy !req
1414. It's a real case, and I'm a real cop.
We just got the wrong target for Ershon.
Copy !req
1415. - You carry a rape whistle.
- This is real cop work.
Copy !req
1416. There is nothing about you
that makes a man a man, okay?
Copy !req
1417. You got no gun, no car, no wife,
and now you got no partner.
Copy !req
1418. Leave me alone.
Copy !req
1419. A mutt case.
Copy !req
1420. Terry, I am a cop,
for your information, okay?
Copy !req
1421. A broken partnership.
Copy !req
1422. I'm a cop!
Copy !req
1423. And getting busted down
to a shitty assignment.
Copy !req
1424. Allen and Terry hit the trifecta.
Copy !req
1425. But sometimes
when you get your ass kicked,
Copy !req
1426. that's when you find out what's real...
Copy !req
1427. and what needs doing.
Copy !req
1428. Whether it's directing traffic...
Copy !req
1429. Come on!
Copy !req
1430. or cracking a multibillion dollar fraud.
Copy !req
1431. - Do you work here?
- Yeah, I do.
Copy !req
1432. The wrecking ball that crashed into Castien
down there.
Copy !req
1433. They also did damage to your office?
Copy !req
1434. Some police officers came by
and sealed it off.
Copy !req
1435. Do you recall what they looked like?
Copy !req
1436. One of them had an Australian accent.
Copy !req
1437. You don't happen to do any business
for the state lottery, do you?
Copy !req
1438. No. Our main client is Lendl Global.
Copy !req
1439. Can I ask what this is about?
Copy !req
1440. Gator needs his gat, you punkass bitch!
Copy !req
1441. 'Cause that's what a real cop is.
Copy !req
1442. No, I didn't say "Lock her up."
I never said, "Lock her up."
Copy !req
1443. A guy who does what needs to be done.
Copy !req
1444. A guy who knows how to use his dark side
for good.
Copy !req
1445. And then you move to Florida.
Copy !req
1446. One, two, three, attack!
Copy !req
1447. Terry, it's me.
Copy !req
1448. - Tap out. Tap out.
- It's me, Allen.
Copy !req
1449. Are you tapping out,
or are you hitting me in the face?
Copy !req
1450. I'm tapping you out!
Copy !req
1451. You crazy? What are you doing, man?
Copy !req
1452. - They might be watching us.
- Could've killed you.
Copy !req
1453. - Turn out the lights.
- What?
Copy !req
1454. - They could be watching us.
- Who?
Copy !req
1455. I found some big information, okay?
Copy !req
1456. - About what?
- Some scary shit, Terry. This is big.
Copy !req
1457. How'd you get in here?
This place is foolproof.
Copy !req
1458. - We can't be too careful.
- What are you talking about?
Copy !req
1459. - This place might be bugged.
- There's no bugs in here.
Copy !req
1460. First off, I missed you.
Copy !req
1461. - What's going on?
- Did you hear what I said?
Copy !req
1462. - Fine, I kind of missed you, too.
- Thank you.
Copy !req
1463. Okay. I found out whose losses
Ershon has to cover.
Copy !req
1464. - It's Lendl Global.
- What?
Copy !req
1465. Lendl staged the Castien robbery
as a distraction
Copy !req
1466. so they could break into
their own accounting firm next door.
Copy !req
1467. They then altered all the records
to cover the losses
Copy !req
1468. that Ershon had cost them
through all of his bad investments.
Copy !req
1469. You're not supposed to be doing this.
You're supposed to be walking the beat.
Copy !req
1470. I know. Pretty tricky, though, huh?
Copy !req
1471. This is bad, Allen. This is bad.
Copy !req
1472. No wonder the captain wanted us
to stay out of this.
Copy !req
1473. Yeah, I bet
Beaman started asking questions.
Copy !req
1474. - That's why they killed him.
- Man.
Copy !req
1475. Here's the other thing.
Copy !req
1476. Tomorrow, there's a massive
business deal going down.
Copy !req
1477. Ershon's leading it.
Copy !req
1478. I still can't figure out who the poor sucker is
they're making the deal with,
Copy !req
1479. but we gotta stop it.
Copy !req
1480. It's time to let the peacock fly.
Copy !req
1481. I'm not going, Allen. I like what I do.
Copy !req
1482. So do I. We're cops.
Copy !req
1483. No. I like what I do now.
I like working traffic. It's a great gig.
Copy !req
1484. What?
Copy !req
1485. I like working traffic. I'm not going with you.
Copy !req
1486. What is this traffic bullshit?
Copy !req
1487. - What are you talking about?
- I'm talking about my life.
Copy !req
1488. The corner I run on 54th and 3rd Avenue?
It hums.
Copy !req
1489. It's Terry's intersection.
And the traffic guys? They're good guys.
Copy !req
1490. There's this one guy, Phillip?
He can pee in the urinal from 20 feet.
Copy !req
1491. You've gotta see it, Allen. You've got to.
Copy !req
1492. What happened to you?
What happened to this being our time?
Copy !req
1493. No way, Allen. I'm out. I'm done.
Copy !req
1494. - Get in the car.
- Come on, Allen. We both know it's wooden.
Copy !req
1495. - Apartment pop. Now get in the car.
- You're not gonna shoot me.
Copy !req
1496. Okay, I'll be honest. This is only
the second time I've ever fired this.
Copy !req
1497. So stop pointing it at me.
Copy !req
1498. Look, tomorrow morning,
all I know is I'm going to Mauch, all right?
Copy !req
1499. For what? He doesn't care.
Copy !req
1500. He's been dodging this case for too long
and I want answers.
Copy !req
1501. I want him to look me in the eye
and tell me why.
Copy !req
1502. Turn on the news, man. Nobody cares.
Copy !req
1503. I hope I'm not alone.
Copy !req
1504. Hope you bring it.
Copy !req
1505. We got a big day out there. Big one.
Copy !req
1506. We got a full moon.
People are gonna be amped, all right?
Copy !req
1507. Let's see what we got on hot tips, all right?
Copy !req
1508. The new bathmats are in.
Copy !req
1509. One more thing.
We got a serial rapist in Crown Heights.
Copy !req
1510. Jeez, I'm sorry. That's from my other job.
Ignore that. Forget that.
Copy !req
1511. Well, don't ignore it.
Copy !req
1512. If you live in Crown Heights,
you know, walk in pairs.
Copy !req
1513. Gene Mauch to kitchen accessories.
Gene Mauch to kitchen accessories.
Copy !req
1514. I gotta go. Go get 'em.
Let's be careful out there.
Copy !req
1515. The oak.
Copy !req
1516. I like to keep the oak together
and the maple separately, okay?
Copy !req
1517. And these chopping boards?
Copy !req
1518. Hey, Captain.
Copy !req
1519. Hey, Allen. Hey, how you doing?
Copy !req
1520. What are you doing here?
Are you here for the bathmats?
Copy !req
1521. - I need you to be straight with me.
- Straight with us.
Copy !req
1522. Hey, Terry. Look at this.
Copy !req
1523. - I thought you were working traffic today.
- Let them block the box.
Copy !req
1524. - Besides, partners' code, right?
- Thanks.
Copy !req
1525. Hey, why have you worked your ass off
trying to kill this case?
Copy !req
1526. All right, fine.
I'm gonna tell you guys something.
Copy !req
1527. You really went into deep water on this one.
You really went in deep.
Copy !req
1528. Ershon's connected to all the higher ups,
Copy !req
1529. and I gotta save
what little ass I have left, okay?
Copy !req
1530. You keep hiding from shit in the world,
Copy !req
1531. and eventually the world
comes to your front door.
Copy !req
1532. - Nice.
- That's very nice.
Copy !req
1533. I heard it in an episode
of Touched By An Angel.
Copy !req
1534. You keep this thing real quiet,
and you make sure you have real evidence,
Copy !req
1535. and maybe I'll see what I can do.
Copy !req
1536. But if you make a lot of noise
Copy !req
1537. and you attract the media attention,
and you bring the DA in on this,
Copy !req
1538. I am out, okay?
Copy !req
1539. Yeah, we'll go in there like church mice.
Copy !req
1540. But there's one case,
one case in a career where you go all in.
Copy !req
1541. This is it.
Copy !req
1542. All right. Then you do us proud.
Copy !req
1543. 'Cause I don't want no scrubs.
Copy !req
1544. - Really?
- No.
Copy !req
1545. - You're not aware that's a TLC song?
- I have no idea what you're talking about.
Copy !req
1546. - Second time.
- You said chasing waterfalls,
Copy !req
1547. now you're saying you don't want no scrubs.
Copy !req
1548. - I don't even understand the reference.
- It's like a tic.
Copy !req
1549. I have no idea what you're talking about.
Copy !req
1550. Remember, this thing gets messy,
we never talked.
Copy !req
1551. - You can trust us.
- Real quiet.
Copy !req
1552. You gotta creep. Creep.
Copy !req
1553. Come on.
Copy !req
1554. You don't say "Creep-creep"
unless you're quoting TLC.
Copy !req
1555. Hey, guys.
Copy !req
1556. You know Danson and Highsmith
were not good cops, right?
Copy !req
1557. Yeah, I guess we kind of knew that,
but it's a drag.
Copy !req
1558. I mean, at a certain point,
who's left to be a hero?
Copy !req
1559. Not to be corny, maybe it's you guys.
Copy !req
1560. You ready?
Copy !req
1561. - Yeah.
- Let's go.
Copy !req
1562. - No, but the highlights are great.
- Thank you.
Copy !req
1563. - Sexy but serious.
- Thank you.
Copy !req
1564. Excuse me.
Copy !req
1565. Who the hell are all these people?
I was only expecting one man.
Copy !req
1566. You know, they're just some people
I owe money to who wanted to be here.
Copy !req
1567. Who are they?
Copy !req
1568. Well, they are some Chechen patriots,
entrepreneurs.
Copy !req
1569. And the black chaps
are some businessmen from Nigeria.
Copy !req
1570. You owe money
to the Nigerians and Chechens?
Copy !req
1571. Yes. Yes, I do.
Copy !req
1572. - You're a piece of work.
- Thank you.
Copy !req
1573. Probably best to get started.
Copy !req
1574. This is good, baby.
We're in the game, we know the score.
Copy !req
1575. The only thing that bugs me is
we still don't know who Ershon's targeting.
Copy !req
1576. - Is it the lotto? Who is it?
- Who cares? Some rich prick.
Copy !req
1577. I have to tell you,
I am tremendously excited by this deal.
Copy !req
1578. And I can assure you
that every dime of your money
Copy !req
1579. will be invested with the utmost diligence.
Copy !req
1580. Your rates of return are really exciting.
Copy !req
1581. We think our members
are gonna be just thrilled.
Copy !req
1582. Yeah. I mean, we've averaged,
like, 18% over the last 10 years.
Copy !req
1583. All right.
Quiet as a church mouse, in and out.
Copy !req
1584. I can feel that tingling in my balls
you were talking about.
Copy !req
1585. Beautiful.
Copy !req
1586. All right, listen up.
Copy !req
1587. I am Detective Gamble.
This is Detective Hoitz.
Copy !req
1588. We need your cooperation.
Copy !req
1589. David Ershon.
Copy !req
1590. You're under arrest for fraud, embezzlement,
Copy !req
1591. and in connection
to the murder of Don Beaman.
Copy !req
1592. This is a bad idea.
Copy !req
1593. Hey, guys.
Copy !req
1594. Bob? What are you doing here?
Copy !req
1595. I'm investing.
Copy !req
1596. Do you remember we talked about
that proxy vote a while back?
Copy !req
1597. - This is what it was for.
- Holy shit.
Copy !req
1598. It's a more aggressive investment strategy
for the pension.
Copy !req
1599. Allen! We're the suckers.
They're targeting the police pension fund.
Copy !req
1600. Gentlemen, you're here illegally
and without a warrant.
Copy !req
1601. We are within our rights to take action.
Copy !req
1602. So much for quiet as church mice!
Copy !req
1603. Go!
Copy !req
1604. Who the hell are those guys?
Copy !req
1605. Gentlemen, I can get you
obstructed view tickets for Rock of Ages.
Copy !req
1606. Even I admit that's not very tempting,
but I'm not made of tickets, God damn it!
Copy !req
1607. - Get in the front!
- How do you start this freaking thing?
Copy !req
1608. Go on! Go!
Copy !req
1609. - Shit!
- Go!
Copy !req
1610. Oh, my...
Copy !req
1611. Jeanie! Get over here!
You, go get the bloody car!
Copy !req
1612. Hold the wheel!
Copy !req
1613. - Open the back!
- I got it. I got it!
Copy !req
1614. They're gonna kill me.
And then they will kill you.
Copy !req
1615. - Well, I'm gonna kill you first!
- And then they will kill me.
Copy !req
1616. We have two rogue police officers.
They are armed and dangerous,
Copy !req
1617. - and holding David Ershon hostage.
- Stupid pricks!
Copy !req
1618. - It's us, we're good guys!
- Exactly. They're the good guys.
Copy !req
1619. Where do we go? Where do we go?
Copy !req
1620. I have a small apartment.
No one knows about it.
Copy !req
1621. I use it mainly for my parents
and prostitutes.
Copy !req
1622. Not at the same time. That would be wrong.
Copy !req
1623. Let's hear it from the top, every detail.
Copy !req
1624. I think the best way to tell the story
is by starting at the end, briefly,
Copy !req
1625. then going back to the beginning,
and then periodically returning to the end,
Copy !req
1626. maybe giving different characters'
perspectives throughout.
Copy !req
1627. Just to give it a bit of dynamism,
otherwise, it's just sort of a linear story.
Copy !req
1628. Just tell us what happened.
Copy !req
1629. I lost a bunch of money from some people
and now they want it back.
Copy !req
1630. What about Don Beaman?
Copy !req
1631. Beaman knew
that I had falsified my financials,
Copy !req
1632. so they sent down Wesley
to try and keep him quiet.
Copy !req
1633. He forced him at gunpoint
to drink a bunch of gin
Copy !req
1634. and then forced him onto the ledge.
Copy !req
1635. It was only a matter of time before he fell.
Copy !req
1636. At least we stopped you
from getting the pension fund.
Copy !req
1637. Well, but, yeah, but you didn't.
It's already in my account.
Copy !req
1638. By 9:00 in the morning,
it goes into the Lendl equity fund
Copy !req
1639. and from there it's transferred
to a dozen offshore accounts.
Copy !req
1640. By 9:01, it's gone.
Copy !req
1641. - Well, what if we stop the transfer?
- But you can't. I mean, there's a...
Copy !req
1642. What if we stop the transfer?
Copy !req
1643. You'd have to be at Endemic Bank
for 9:00 exactly,
Copy !req
1644. find the clerk,
get the routing number.
Copy !req
1645. We gotta stop it.
Copy !req
1646. There's no way.
Copy !req
1647. Every cop, the crazy Australian and his crew,
they'll all be after us.
Copy !req
1648. You could let me go,
and I'll give you $10 million each.
Copy !req
1649. - It's not a bribe.
- Of course it's a bribe.
Copy !req
1650. You're offering to pay us money
to not do our job.
Copy !req
1651. It's not a bribe.
Copy !req
1652. We hang low here tonight.
Nobody knows about this place.
Copy !req
1653. We'll be safe. And tomorrow, we hit it.
Copy !req
1654. First things first, I gotta go see Sheila.
Copy !req
1655. No way, it's too dangerous.
Copy !req
1656. Look, Terry, we don't know
what's gonna happen to us tomorrow,
Copy !req
1657. but tonight,
I need to make things right with Sheila.
Copy !req
1658. All right, go. Go. Be careful.
Copy !req
1659. Thanks, I will.
Copy !req
1660. Will you say hi to Sheila for me?
Copy !req
1661. - Okay.
- Okay.
Copy !req
1662. Tell her. Say Terry was asking about you.
Copy !req
1663. He wants to make sure you know
Copy !req
1664. that he'll be there for you
if anything happens.
Copy !req
1665. - Yeah.
- Drop of a hat, I'm there.
Copy !req
1666. Look, it's starting to get a little weird, man.
Copy !req
1667. If something happens to you,
I need to be there to take care of her.
Copy !req
1668. All of her wants, her needs,
and desires are now my responsibility.
Copy !req
1669. Why do you say it
like it's a predetermined thing?
Copy !req
1670. Just go, man.
Copy !req
1671. Okay. Thanks.
Copy !req
1672. Go.
Copy !req
1673. Janeco Gallery.
Copy !req
1674. Francine, it's Terry. Please don't hang up.
Copy !req
1675. Please pick up.
Copy !req
1676. Hello.
Copy !req
1677. Hey, sweetie.
I was praying you'd be at your mom's house.
Copy !req
1678. You know what, I can't talk any more.
I think the phone's being tapped.
Copy !req
1679. Baby, where are you? I wanna see you.
Copy !req
1680. I'm near the place where we did it
three Halloweens ago.
Copy !req
1681. Do you remember?
Copy !req
1682. Okay, yeah, I got it.
Copy !req
1683. I'm just warning you, though. Watch out.
I think they're watching the house.
Copy !req
1684. Don't worry, sweetie.
I think I have a way of talking to you.
Copy !req
1685. I have to admit, I wasn't gonna come.
I mean...
Copy !req
1686. After all those years,
after the restraining order.
Copy !req
1687. I was worried I might not see you again.
Copy !req
1688. There's some
very dangerous people after him,
Copy !req
1689. and now they're after us.
Copy !req
1690. It's just the old lady.
Copy !req
1691. Hello, Allen.
Copy !req
1692. Hello, Mama Ramos.
What are you doing out here?
Copy !req
1693. Sheila said she doesn't know what happened
and she wants you back.
Copy !req
1694. - She also says...
- Yes.
Copy !req
1695. she wants you on top of her,
holding her hair,
Copy !req
1696. and riding her like a bucking bronco
Copy !req
1697. while she sucks your thumb and says,
"Mommy likey."
Copy !req
1698. You, you tell your daughter...
Copy !req
1699. He said he'll always love you.
Copy !req
1700. And he's so happy
that you're having his child.
Copy !req
1701. Allen.
Copy !req
1702. He also says that
Copy !req
1703. he wants you to stare into each other's eyes
without blinking while you do it.
Copy !req
1704. - I love when we do that, Mom.
- And then afterward,
Copy !req
1705. lick the sex off each other.
Copy !req
1706. I don't wanna do this.
Copy !req
1707. - You say things that are too personal.
- Okay, but just one more thing.
Copy !req
1708. She said she loves you,
Copy !req
1709. and wants to hold your hand
and have iced tea with you.
Copy !req
1710. Come on. That's not all she said.
Copy !req
1711. No.
Copy !req
1712. - She says other things, but I don't want...
- Please, please, please.
Copy !req
1713. You don't realize, I may be killed tomorrow.
Copy !req
1714. Okay.
Copy !req
1715. She says she wants to unplug all the clocks
and the phones
Copy !req
1716. - and have a three-day F marathon.
- That's more like it. Yeah.
Copy !req
1717. She wants to walk wrong for a week
because you guys Fd so hard.
Copy !req
1718. That's just lovely.
Copy !req
1719. No more! He says things I can't say.
Copy !req
1720. It involves a mannequin hand
and an electric shaver taped to a golf club.
Copy !req
1721. Now what'd she say?
Copy !req
1722. She says she loves you.
Copy !req
1723. I'm so sorry about everything.
Copy !req
1724. And I just had to come here tonight
to tell you that I love you.
Copy !req
1725. And the reason why I act like
you're a plain wife is that
Copy !req
1726. I'm afraid that if I admit to how stunning
Copy !req
1727. and intelligent and wonderful you are,
Copy !req
1728. - I'd just lose you.
- Shut up, Allen. I love you.
Copy !req
1729. We have a place that's safe. All right.
Copy !req
1730. I'm gonna break your hip.
Copy !req
1731. I'm about to do you grandpa-style.
Copy !req
1732. I brought some music.
Copy !req
1733. Not what I would've chosen, but screw it.
Copy !req
1734. All right. Let's go, Monday morning,
time to go to work.
Copy !req
1735. Let's do it.
Copy !req
1736. - You want my gate code?
- Shut up, man!
Copy !req
1737. That's Wesley!
Copy !req
1738. Yes!
Copy !req
1739. - Where'd you learn to drive like that?
- Grand Theft Auto!
Copy !req
1740. Shit, Allen, they're coming.
Copy !req
1741. - Oh, my God!
- Shit.
Copy !req
1742. - Do something, Allen!
- Hold on, hold on.
Copy !req
1743. Someone's been playing Grand Theft Auto.
Copy !req
1744. I did that!
Copy !req
1745. - I did that!
- Oh, my God!
Copy !req
1746. - That's what I'm talking about!
- We jackknifed them!
Copy !req
1747. Did you see that? It went backwards
and then turned upside-down.
Copy !req
1748. Gator turns vans upside-down like
they're in a crazy washing machine!
Copy !req
1749. Why are you calling yourself Gator?
Copy !req
1750. It's a nickname I had in college.
I used to run a dating service.
Copy !req
1751. - He was a pimp.
- Yeah, I was. I was a pimp.
Copy !req
1752. Is it me or does it smell
like deer vagina in here?
Copy !req
1753. My poor car.
Copy !req
1754. Right now the streets are a bloodbath.
Copy !req
1755. And, statistically speaking,
there's about 30 kids in here,
Copy !req
1756. 10 of you are gonna be dead
before your next birthday.
Copy !req
1757. Got a couple of tips,
help you guys stay out of jail.
Copy !req
1758. One, try your hardest
to not be black or Hispanic.
Copy !req
1759. - It's a good tip.
- Yeah. Two...
Copy !req
1760. Gentlemen, we got a hot one.
Copy !req
1761. Hoitz and Gamble have Ershon hostage,
high-speed car chase in progress.
Copy !req
1762. Yes! Gun, gun!
Copy !req
1763. Pass up the guns. Pass them up.
Let's go, people.
Copy !req
1764. There we go. Anything, any Tasers? No?
Copy !req
1765. Good. Who wants to go on a ride-along?
Copy !req
1766. I do!
Copy !req
1767. All right, you, sweetie.
Come on, let's go. Move.
Copy !req
1768. - Move! Let's go.
- Come on!
Copy !req
1769. Cool, a helicopter!
Must be covering the high-speed chase.
Copy !req
1770. Jesus!
Copy !req
1771. - Who are those guys?
- They're Chechen investors.
Copy !req
1772. We were gonna do a Chechen version
of Dora the Explorer.
Copy !req
1773. Anyway, it went terribly wrong.
Copy !req
1774. I feel like it's not fair
that they have a helicopter!
Copy !req
1775. Oh, no.
Copy !req
1776. Damn it.
Copy !req
1777. Watch your head. God, your hair is soft.
Copy !req
1778. VO5 Hot Oil.
Copy !req
1779. You're gonna wreck!
There's cars coming from both directions!
Copy !req
1780. I'm not gonna wreck!
Copy !req
1781. - I'm gonna wreck! You're right!
- You want me to drive?
Copy !req
1782. - This was a very clever idea.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1783. They're gone.
Copy !req
1784. Let's go.
Copy !req
1785. They are Nigerians.
Yeah, I'd forgotten about them.
Copy !req
1786. - This is a shortcut.
- Are you kidding me?
Copy !req
1787. You cannot go down there.
Copy !req
1788. What are you doing?
Copy !req
1789. Hit him!
Copy !req
1790. - Where are we?
- Chelsea Pier.
Copy !req
1791. What the hell?
Copy !req
1792. Jesus!
Copy !req
1793. Them having a helicopter
is definitely cheating.
Copy !req
1794. Go!
Copy !req
1795. Come on!
Copy !req
1796. We're cops! Hit the chopper!
Copy !req
1797. This is Martin and Fosse, en route.
Back off! This is our collar!
Copy !req
1798. Set up a perimeter.
No arrests until we get there!
Copy !req
1799. Take the light!
Copy !req
1800. Do not authorize that transfer.
Copy !req
1801. This is David Ershon. The transfer is for him.
Copy !req
1802. He will tell you not to authorize it, okay?
Tell him.
Copy !req
1803. - Tell him!
- Yeah, do as they say. Stop the transfer.
Copy !req
1804. Approve it.
Copy !req
1805. Now.
Copy !req
1806. Do not touch anything!
Copy !req
1807. I swear to God
I'll blow your head all over this desk.
Copy !req
1808. Not a person in this room believes
you'll shoot this clerk.
Copy !req
1809. Yeah?
Copy !req
1810. Thank you so much, gentlemen,
for the prompt delivery of Mr. Ershon.
Copy !req
1811. I have two competing bids
from jilted investors.
Copy !req
1812. They're at 30 million, and holding.
Copy !req
1813. - Wait! Can't you let me...
- Take him away.
Copy !req
1814. But computers.
Copy !req
1815. What if, one day, they were in charge?
Copy !req
1816. Now if you don't shut up,
I will cut your ear off with a butter knife.
Copy !req
1817. That's blunt. Blunt's worse than if it's sharp.
Copy !req
1818. Now!
Copy !req
1819. You just stood there!
Copy !req
1820. I didn't know that "now" meant that.
How am I supposed to know that?
Copy !req
1821. - I knew what that meant.
- Shut up.
Copy !req
1822. You kill us and you kill Ershon.
You're out 30 million dollars.
Copy !req
1823. - Who's got the golden goose now, huh?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1824. Shit!
Copy !req
1825. He's still valuable with a bullet wound, mate.
Copy !req
1826. He immediately called your bluff.
Copy !req
1827. Get up. And kill the police.
Copy !req
1828. I just wanna make sure I get it right.
Copy !req
1829. Did you want this transfer approved
or not approved?
Copy !req
1830. You, mate, I'm gonna kill just for fun.
Copy !req
1831. Police, don't move! Drop your weapons!
Copy !req
1832. Drop it, or be dropped, homeboy!
Copy !req
1833. I hope you like the taste
of prison food and penis.
Copy !req
1834. - Police! Down on the ground!
- Let me see your hands!
Copy !req
1835. - Hey, hey, you okay?
- Hey.
Copy !req
1836. Hey, Gene. Captain. I'm sorry.
Copy !req
1837. - I'm sorry.
- That's okay. Don't worry about it.
Copy !req
1838. You can call me Gene
when we're not in the office.
Copy !req
1839. Okay. Thanks for coming by.
Copy !req
1840. Attaboy.
Copy !req
1841. Come on, stay with me. Stay with me.
Copy !req
1842. We're losing him! We're losing him!
He's dying!
Copy !req
1843. No. No, no, no, no. I'm just resting.
I'm just resting.
Copy !req
1844. - I'm sorry. Did I hurt you?
- I was just resting.
Copy !req
1845. - Are you all right?
- Just resting.
Copy !req
1846. Hey, let me tell you something.
Copy !req
1847. As far as paperwork goes,
we'll take care of it.
Copy !req
1848. - You know why?
- Why?
Copy !req
1849. Ain't too proud to beg.
Copy !req
1850. Come on.
Copy !req
1851. - What?
- It's not funny anymore.
Copy !req
1852. - I don't know what you're talking about.
- TLC references.
Copy !req
1853. Still nothing. I swear to you.
Copy !req
1854. I'm gonna go over and check on Terry.
I got a bad knee. Hold on. There you go.
Copy !req
1855. It was the king of the mutt cases,
Copy !req
1856. but Allen and Terry had worked it like stars.
Copy !req
1857. Within 24 hours of learning
about Ershon's scheme
Copy !req
1858. and Lendl's massive losses,
Copy !req
1859. the government issued TARP funds
to bail out Lendl.
Copy !req
1860. Lendl is in everything,
and we're gonna go everywhere...
Copy !req
1861. They were too big to fail.
Copy !req
1862. Ershon now resides in Palomino
Federal Correctional Facility in Florida.
Copy !req
1863. He still invests. Currency's just different.
Copy !req
1864. Roger Wesley was linked
to the Beaman murder
Copy !req
1865. by security cam footage
which Martin and Fosse hadn't checked.
Copy !req
1866. It only showed the back of their heads.
Copy !req
1867. But Allen's Faceback app
was able to get a match to their faces.
Copy !req
1868. Terry married Francine.
Copy !req
1869. He played harp at the reception
and it was beautiful.
Copy !req
1870. He had learned how to play it
in the eighth grade
Copy !req
1871. to make fun of the fairy
that lived up the street.
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1872. Terry asked Sheila to be his best man,
but she declined.
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1873. Let's be honest,
we all wanna be superstars and hotshots.
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1874. But guess what?
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1875. The people that do the real work,
the ones that make the difference,
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1876. you don't see them on TV
or on the front page.
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1877. I'm talking about the day-in,
day-outers, the grinders.
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1878. Come on, man, you know who
I'm talking about: The other guys.
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1879. - See? That's a no-go.
- Hey, hey.
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1880. You think you broke this Ershon case open?
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1881. You did nothing.
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1882. Corporate lobbyists are spending millions
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1883. to make sure guys like Ershon
keep doing what they do.
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1884. Derek Jeter?
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1885. Yeah, it's me. You were set up
that night you shot me, Terry.
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1886. - I told you!
- They knew by putting someone like you
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1887. with a quick trigger finger next to that door
where I do my pre-game walk,
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1888. it'd end up bad. Bad for both of us.
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1889. Now, I've been doing my own investigation
on the banking industry,
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1890. and I was close. I was real close.
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1891. So I forgive you, Terry.
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1892. I appreciate that, man. I'm sorry about
what happened.
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1893. I'm glad you're doing better.
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1894. The whole damn system is clogged up
with dirty money.
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1895. And the news doesn't say a word about it.
'Cause who owns them?
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1896. The same corporations
that own the government.
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1897. Courts and the law is all we have left.
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1898. So here's you guys' next case.
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1899. Guy by the name of Carl Bachand,
CEO of Killister Bank.
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1900. He took three billion in TARP funds.
He's crooked. He's real crooked.
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1901. Take him down, but be careful.
He's got Blackwater mercenaries 24/7.
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1902. Thanks, Derek.
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1903. Hey, Derek! Wait!
What if we need to get in touch with you,
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1904. get some more information
or some tickets or something?
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1905. What just happened?
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1906. Goldman Sachs.
This case is gonna be nasty.
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1907. Hi. Cute glasses.
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1908. - What was that?
- What?
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1909. What? Dude, what is it with you
and hot ladies? What's your secret?
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1910. Honestly, I have no idea
what you're talking about.
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1911. Tell me who you lost your virginity to.
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1912. She actually became a TV actress.
Heather Locklear.
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1913. Heather Locklear, what?
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1914. - You've heard of her?
- Come on!
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1915. - She was much chubbier back then.
- I don't get it. I really, I don't get it.
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1916. That was you.
You don't have a sense of humor.
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1917. I do... I have a wonderful sense of humor.
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1918. If you say something funny, I'll laugh.
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1919. - All right, I'm gonna tell you a great joke.
- Please. I love jokes.
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1920. All right. Little boy on his 13th birthday.
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1921. - It's time to get laid.
- Already feels inappropriate.
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1922. So he goes to the lady at the whorehouse,
he goes, "Miss,
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1923. "look, I know usually you want money, but
I don't have any money and it's my birthday.
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1924. "Do you think I could have sex with you
for this duck?"
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1925. - Was he a farmer?
- No.
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1926. That's probably a Health Code violation,
bringing a duck into a place of prostitution.
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1927. They weren't gonna have sex with the duck!
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1928. No, I just mean Health Code violation
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1929. to have the duck brought into
a facility like that.
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1930. So, anyway, she says, "Yes, I'll do it."
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1931. So he goes in there, gives it to her.
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1932. - He gives her what?
- The high, hard one! She loves it.
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1933. She goes, "You know what? If you do that
again, I'll give you your duck back."
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1934. - It's like getting laid twice for free.
- So... I'm sorry.
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1935. I'm so sorry.
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1936. - The duck is payment for sexual intercourse.
- Yes. Yes.
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1937. - Very good.
- He used the duck as payment,
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1938. and now he's being paid back the duck.
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1939. He goes, "Oh, my God, this is
the greatest birthday ever." He does it again.
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1940. - Now he's walking home, right? Walking...
- So she was satisfied with duck.
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1941. - With a duck as currency...
- Yes.
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1942. to her. Great. Good.
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1943. So he's walking home, now he can't wait
to get home to tell his father. Right?
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1944. He's walking down the street with the duck,
and all of a sudden, voom,
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1945. truck comes by and runs over his duck.
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1946. - Kills the duck?
- Killed the duck.
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1947. - So the duck is now dead.
- The duck is dead.
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1948. The kid starts crying, truck driver stops,
he's all upset, he didn't mean...
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1949. Of course he's crying! He's a 13-year-old boy
who's just had sex, twice,
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1950. - and he watched his beloved duck die.
- Will you shut up and let me tell the story?
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1951. So far, I don't know
how this is ever gonna be funny.
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1952. The guy feels so bad about killing the duck,
he gives him two dollars.
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1953. And the kid's happy with the two bucks?
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1954. He's ecstatic! He got laid twice,
and now he's got two dollars on top of it.
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1955. Seems like a duck would be worth
a lot more than two dollars.
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1956. This was a while back. You what I'm...
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1957. So he goes home, his dad goes,
"What happened? What happened?
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1958. "Tell me! Tell me!" He goes,
"Dad, I got a fuck for the duck,
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1959. "I got a duck for the fuck,
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1960. "and I got two bucks for a fucked-up duck!"
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1961. So it's like a limerick.
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1962. You didn't think that was funny?
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1963. I thought it was entertaining
at the end, sure,
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1964. the way all the words were put together,
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1965. but in terms of content?
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1966. No.
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1967. Get the check-check from Shen-Shen.
Let's get out of here.
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1968. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.
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1969. And cut.
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