The Naked Gun 2½: The Smell of Fear (1991)

Directed by David Zucker

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Leslie Nielsen as Frank Drebin • Priscilla Presley as Jane Spencer • George Kennedy as Captain Ed Hocken • O.J. Simpson as Nordberg • Robert Goulet as Quentin Hapsburg • Richard Griffiths as Dr. Meinheimer / Earl Hacker • Jacqueline Brookes as Commissioner Brumford • Leslie Nielsen as Lt. Frank Drebin • George Kennedy as Ed Hocken

United States of America • Comedy • Crime

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1. The honorable Allen D. and former Mrs. Eastern.

2. The honorable William and Mrs. Breslow.

3. The honorable Nelson and Mrs. Winnie Mandela.

4. Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States and Mrs. Bush.

5. Here's everybody on the list, Barb. Everybody's here.

6. Hi, Peter. They let you out of the office early today.

7. Jack, glad you could make it.

8. Hal. Hi.

9. Hi. Get rid of the beard. I don't like that, too liberal.

10. Hi, Frank. Trudy.

11. Hi, Peter. Glad you could make it. I like your suit.

12. - Everybody's here. - Commissioner.

13. Thank you very much. Dr. Meinheimer, I'm glad you could make it.

14. Ah, here she is. Dear.

15. Have you met Dr. Meinheimer formally?

16. Thank you.

17. Great Lady down. Repeat. Great Lady down!

18. - What happened? - Easy, watch the table!

19. Oh, wait. Wait.

20. - How are you, dear? - I'm OK, I'm fine.

21. Good. Please be seated.

22. Welcome. Glad you could all come.

23. I'm pleased to say that we're graced for the presence

24. of so many distinguished guests tonight.

25. As we all know, uh, this week we're celebrating

26. Law Enforcement Week all across the country.

27. So I'd like to turn the proceedings over

28. to our own Washington D.C. police commissioner,

29. captain Annabelle Brumford.

30. I'd like now to introduce a most distinguished American.

31. This week he is being honored for his 1,000th drug dealer killed.

32. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome lieutenant Frank Drebin of Police Squad.

33. Yeah, in-in all honesty, the last two I backed over with my car.

34. Luckily, they turned out to be drug dealers.

35. - Good. - Excellent!

36. Uh, thank you, commissioner Brumford.

37. Now I'd like to call upon my chief of staff, Mr. John Sununu,

38. to introduce some special guests.

39. Thank you. Mr. President, tonight I am extremely proud to welcome

40. our guests from the nation's energy suppliers.

41. First, representing the oil industry,

42. head of the Society of Petroleum Industry Leaders, better known as SPIL,

43. Mr. Terence Baggett.

44. From the coal industry, chairman of the Society for More Coal Energy,

45. or SMOKE, Mr. Donald Fenzwick.

46. Uh, thank you. Thank you very much.

47. And from the nuclear industry,

48. president of the Key Atomic Benefits Office Of Mankind, KABOOM,

49. Mr. Arthur Dunwell.

50. As you know, for the past three years,

51. this administration has been trying to formulate a National Energy Policy,

52. one that will have a lasting impact on the way we live

53. for the next decade and beyond.

54. To make sure that we choose the right path,

55. the President has appointed as his top advisor in this area

56. Dr. Albert S. Meinheimer.

57. As I'm sure you're all aware, his reputation in this field is without peer,

58. and Dr. Meinheimer will present his recommendations

59. to the Annual National Press Club Dinner this Tuesday evening.

60. Mr. President.

61. I want all of you here to be the first to know

62. that I've decided to base my administration's entire energy policy

63. on Dr. Meinheimer's recommendations.

64. Now, this issue is too important to be left to politicians or special interests to decide.

65. Rather we need an independent and informed source

66. on which to base our future actions,

67. and Dr. Meinheimer is the recognised expert in this field.

68. Mr. President... if I may say so,

69. I do hope that, uh, Dr. Meinheimer won't be influen...

70. influenced by any of the so-called environmental groups.

71. Well, we're all well aware of Dr. Meinheimer's reputation.

72. I think that perhaps, uh, he is best qualified to explain his research methods...

73. - Dr. Meinheimer. - Great Lady down again.

74. Ah! This happens every fucking time when I go shopping!

75. - Jane... - Oh, Dr. Meinheimer.

76. - You're back early. - And you're here late.

77. Now, surely, a lovely young woman like you

78. can think of something better to do on a Saturday night.

79. Oh, oh, oh. I'm sorry, my dear. I d... I didn't mean to be so blunt.

80. It's... it's all right, doctor. It's okay.

81. You're thinking about him again, aren't you? What was his name?

82. - Frank? - Yes.

83. You just can't forget about him, can you?

84. - Who? - Frank.

85. Oh, yes! No, I-I can't. I... I try.

86. It's just that... when you've had that much man...

87. But then, you wouldn't understand.

88. Jane, you mustn't be so hard on yourself.

89. You've done a wonderful job here at the... at the lnstitute.

90. You're-you're the finest director of Public Relations we've ever had.

91. Thank you, doctor, I... I try my best.

92. But I see you here night after night past ten.

93. You've got to forget about the past. Go out, see new people, enjoy yourself.

94. But there is someone I'm seeing, in fact just yesterday.

95. I was telling him about the speech that you were preparing for the press...

96. - Good evening, Ms. Spencer. Dr. Meinheimer. - Hello, Norm.

97. Oh, I completely forgot. How was the White House dinner?

98. Extraordinary. The President promised to implement

99. whatever recommendations I make.

100. Why, that's wonderful! Then you're going to deliver

101. the speech that you told me about last week?

102. Oh, yes. Every word of it. I would've given it tonight,

103. but another guest there made such a ruckus I don't believe anyone would've heard me.

104. Hey, Al! Ken! Look at this.

105. Found this in the waste basket.

106. Hey! That's a pretty nice clock!

107. I wonder why they threw it out.

108. It's probably because it's four minutes too slow. Here, let me fix it.

109. There.

110. My name is sergeant Frank Drebin, detective lieutenant, Police Squad.

111. I was in the middle of getting my car washed

112. when I heard the call over the police scanner.

113. There'd been a bombing downtown

114. and I was on my way to advise the D.C. police

115. as part of the President's "Operation Scum Roundup".

116. - Hey, you ready? - Yeah, got it.

117. As far as police work is concerned,

118. every once in a while something comes up

119. that nothing quite prepares you for.

120. Somehow, some demented madman, probably full of self-hate,

121. and possibly a couple of months behind in his rent, finally snapped.

122. - I'm glad you could make it, Frank. - I got here as quick as I could, Ed.

123. Oh, congratulations, I understand that Edna's pregnant again.

124. - Yes, and if I catch the guy who did it... - Hey, captain.

125. They just finished searchin' the building now.

126. There's no sign of a break-in and there's no money missin'.

127. Man this was one hell of an explosion.

128. We're still tryin' to figure out what they used.

129. - Any other victims? - Oh, you're standing on one right now.

130. - Oh, I see... - Get him out of here.

131. Ohh, this one's a real mess.

132. Oh. Hey, everybody. Over here, Frank found another one.

133. He had him missing?

134. - Any witnesses, Ed? - Well, there's one. A woman.

135. Said she saw a man leaving just before the explosion.

136. Maybe we should let Nordberg handle this one.

137. No, I'd better do it while it's still fresh.

138. Well, not now, Frank. She fainted dead away.

139. She took a nasty knock on the head. She looks pretty bad.

140. - I'll handle it. - Sir...

141. Excuse me, miss, I'd like to ask few questions about...

142. Uh, Frank, not that bad.

143. She's being questioned over there by our sketch artist.

144. I couldn't believe it was her. It was like a dream.

145. But there she was, just like I remembered her.

146. That delicately beautiful face...

147. and a body that could melt a cheese sandwich from across the room.

148. And breasts that seemed to say "Hey, look at these!"

149. She's the kind of woman that made you wanna drop to your knees

150. and thank God you were a man. Yeah...

151. She reminded me of my mother all right. No doubt about it.

152. Frank, snap out of it. You're lookin' at 'er like she was your mother, for Christ sake.

153. - Frank. - Jane. I didn't know you lived here.

154. I moved here two years ago.

155. - How are the children? - We didn't have any children.

156. Oh, yes, of course.

157. - How was your prostate operation? - Fine. Good as new.

158. In fact, it's... better than ever.

159. Look, Frank, I...

160. I know this is awkward, but you're not still obsessed with our relationship, are you?

161. Obsessed? Who's obsessed?

162. Just because you backed out on the wedding two years ago? I'd forgotten all about it.

163. Is... ancient history, like the Democratic Party.

164. Frank.

165. He was in tears. In church, crying like a baby.

166. - Frank, get a hold of yourself! - I had to return 13 Quiz Arts.

167. - That's enough, Frank, really. - Kept the salad shooter, though.

168. Oh, Jane, there you are. Hello, Jane.

169. Dr. Meinheimer. Frank, this is Dr. Albert Meinheimer.

170. - Don't get up. Nice to meet you. - Likewise, I'm sure.

171. But I believe we met before, at the White House dinner?

172. He never forgets a face. He has a photographic memory.

173. It's a terrible thing that's happened, here, lieutenant.

174. I really do hope you find the people responsible.

175. Well, I'm sorry I can't be more optimistic, doctor,

176. but we have a long road ahead of us.

177. Like having sex. It's a painstaking arduous task

178. that seems to go on and on forever,

179. and just when you think things are going your way, nothing happens.

180. Now, Jane, about this man you saw last night... Anything can help.

181. Yes, sir, I gave the sketch artist a description.

182. Eh... Ed! That'll be all, McTigue.

183. Why don't we get that other artist?

184. You know, the one that never dates, lives with those two guys...

185. Yeah, right. Sorenson!

186. Jane, I'd like to see the rest of the lnstitute now.

187. If you don't mind, Dr. Meinheimer?

188. Yeah, why, of course. We should start with the research area.

189. That's a good idea. It's right this way.

190. Uh, Jane, what can you tell me about this man you saw last night?

191. - Uh, he's Caucasian. - Caucasian?

192. Yeah. You know, white guy. With a moustache, about 6 foot 3.

193. An awfully big moustache. Now, what's this all about?

194. This is our research laboratory.

195. There are hundreds of experiments going on,

196. all temperature-controlled by the machinery just below us.

197. Many of our scientists have spent years on the experiments

198. and are just now making major breakthroughs.

199. Today, we're going to join together two compounds that have never before...

200. Oh, my God!

201. Well, thank heavens the bomb didn't damage the research area.

202. Yes, but I still can't understand who would do such a thing.

203. Uh, Jane, I think you ought to know about something.

204. - Jane, darling! - Quentin!

205. Jane, are you all right? I was so worried about you.

206. I'm really okay, but I'm glad you're here.

207. Oh, I'm sorry! Frank, this is Quentin Hapsburg of Hexagon Oil Company.

208. - Pleased to meet you, Mr... - Drebin. Frank Drebin.

209. I believe I've used some of your restrooms.

210. I'm... sure you have.

211. Are you in some way connected with the Institute?

212. Well, not officially,

213. but as a matter of fact Jane and I have been seeing

214. quite a lot of each other lately. How is my little hell cat?

215. Well, that's great. I've been dating, too. Nice girl, an author.

216. She wrote the book on male sexual dysfunction. You've probably read it.

217. - I beg your pardon? - Frank, please...

218. Oh, it's all right. I'm sure that we can handle the situation maturely,

219. just like the responsible adults that we are.

220. Isn't that right, Mr... Poopy Pants?

221. - That does it! - Frank!

222. Quentin, maybe you should excuse us.

223. Anything you wish, my darling.

224. Until tonight, then.

225. - Sir? - Give me the strongest thing you got.

226. - On... second thought, how 'bout a Black Russian? - Very well, sir.

227. Frank. I thought I'd find you here.

228. Ed... Sit down. Pull up a memory or two.

229. You left before I could talk to you.

230. Ed, is it just my imagination or is the whole world crazy?

231. No, it's just a small percentage of the population, Frank.

232. Oh, I hope you're right. It's just that... I don't know if I fit any more.

233. You're still thinking about Jane, aren't you?

234. She's part of my life, Ed. Always will be.

235. I think about her constantly. But it's done.

236. And when I heard her say "Get out of my life forever", I knew it will over.

237. You know, sometimes I think about you and Edna, that's when I envy you, Ed,

238. because you have someone. You've had the same person every day for over 30 years.

239. You wake up with her, eat with her, sleep with her...

240. Make love to the same woman.

241. You spend every possible waking moment together,

242. while I'm out runnin' around with some 20 year olds

243. who just wanna have a good time and cheap sex.

244. Sex, sex. Girls who can't say no, girls that can't get enough.

245. "More, more, more! It's your turn now to wear the handcuffs."

246. I... I just wanna love, Ed.

247. I'm sure you'll find love, Frank.

248. - I already have one. - It's from the lady.

249. Go to her, Frank. Go on!

250. I'll see you in the morning.

251. - Excuse me. - Pardon me.

252. Sorry.

253. This isn't easy to say.

254. I'm lonely, I'm lost, I need someone to hold, to love.

255. Frank!

256. Over here.

257. Well...

258. - What are you doing here? - I called your hotel, got no answer.

259. Then I tried the station house. I thought maybe you'd be here.

260. - Good evening, Sam. - Mr. Drebin! Jane...

261. Always nice to see nice people.

262. Sam, play our song. Just one more time.

263. Of course.

264. Uh, Sam. Sam. That's enough. Play, uh, play the other one, please.

265. You can't let old hurts die, can you?

266. You walk out of my life, no explanation...

267. - Didn't you get the letters I sent you? - Every one of them.

268. Didn't open them. Tore them up, threw them in the fire.

269. Then you didn't get the cheque for 75,000 that your uncle left you in his will?

270. Why are you here?

271. I remembered something about the crime.

272. As I was looking out the window, I saw a red van parked across the street.

273. Red van? Oh, thank you, that'll be very helpful.

274. So, you said your piece, you can go now, right?

275. That's not my only reason for being here.

276. - Frank, I want us to be friends. - Sure, friends...

277. Bet if I dusted you for prints right now, they'd be your lover Quentin Hapsburg's.

278. Ohh, you...!

279. Well, I see a certain kitten still knows how to scratch.

280. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that.

281. Oh, Frank, we're no good together. All you ever lived for was your police work.

282. And you were always busy tryin' to save the end zone layer.

283. Ozone layer! Frank, you never tried to understand.

284. How can you say that,

285. when I sank every penny I had into buying that 1,000 acres of Brazilian rainforest.

286. Then I had it slashed and burned so we could build our dream house.

287. Frank! How could you be so insensitive?

288. Insensitive? You think it's easy displacing an entire tribe?

289. - You try it sometime. - I'd better go. This was a mistake.

290. I don't even know why I came here.

291. I was hoping you'd be happy, that you'd have someone.

292. I'm single. I-I love being single!

293. I haven't had this much sex since I was a boy scout leader!

294. I mean, at the time, I was dating a lot.

295. - I told you the bombing wouldn't work. - We had no choice.

296. Take a look at this headline.

297. "President to give Meinheimer blank cheque at Press Club Dinner."

298. That speech is in two days.

299. - Don't you think I know that? - We all know that.

300. Gentlemen, gentlemen...

301. I know you're all worried, and I agree.

302. There's plenty to be worried about.

303. It's like this solar power plant, already operational outside Los Angeles.

304. Photovoltaic cells.

305. They convert sunlight directly into electricity.

306. Fluorescents. Last ten times as long as a conventional light-bulb.

307. Uses only a quarter of the power.

308. Super windows. Insulate as well as ten sheets of glass.

309. An electric car, partially powered by solar panels.

310. But the truth is, gentlemen,

311. I'm not worried about any of these things.

312. Because no one's ever going to know about them.

313. - What about Meinheimer and his report? - Yes, he's going to tell the President.

314. Good question. Why don't we just ask him?

315. What's goin'...? What...?

316. - That's kidnapping! - Good heavens!

317. What about Tuesday evening and his speech?

318. Dr. Meinheimer will deliver his speech.

319. It is my view, for now, we must rely on coal, oil and nuclear energy.

320. Our Dr. Meinheimer.

321. - Oh, my God! - That's incredible!

322. Gentlemen, meet Earl Hacker, former arts consultant to Jesse Helms.

323. And as I explained to Mr. Hapsburg, my fee is one million dollars,

324. and, might I add, I'm worth every penny of it.

325. But, uh, you gentlemen don't have any choice.

326. Do you?

327. After getting a good night's sleep,

328. I decided to head back to police headquarters.

329. I figured that if I buried myself in my police work,

330. I could forget about Jane and maybe in the process

331. catch a vicious killer before he struck again.

332. So far we had few clues and no real leads.

333. I was hoping maybe the lab boys had come up with something.

334. Hey, shut that thing off!

335. And I want that you pay...

336. - Just take it easy, man. - Say your prayers.

337. - Nice work, Frank. - What?

338. Ted, can you show us those lab results you got back from the Research Institute?

339. We weren't able to get any clean fingerprints, captain,

340. but we did find footprints outside the Research Institute.

341. We made plaster casts out of them. A size 91/2 D.

342. We're running a trace on it now. But even more interesting, Frank,

343. we also found this single dinosaur footprint.

344. - A major find from the palaeolithic era. - Anything else, Ted?

345. Yes, about 20 feet down from that spot,

346. we discovered ancient timbers which we believe may be part of Noah's Ark.

347. That's great, uh, Ted, but about the case...

348. I'll be departing tomorrow for Boston, where I'll be delivering a major address

349. to the American Archaeological Society. And I'm booked on Geraldo next week.

350. You're going on Geraldo because of this?

351. No, my wife is a transsexual Satan worshiper.

352. But meanwhile, we'll be continuing fingerprint analysis,

353. fiber checks, DNA breakdown, hair samples...

354. Then, using the microscopic dirt particles on this footprint,

355. it's a matter of getting a geologic breakdown of the entire city.

356. - We may not have that kind of time, Ted. - Well, then maybe this will help.

357. We found this wallet on the curb outside the Institute.

358. We haven't yet had the chance to examine it thoroughly.

359. It just came down from the lab, an hour ago.

360. "Hector Savage". From Detroit. Hey, I remember this pug.

361. Ex-boxer. His real name was Joey Chicago.

362. Oh, yeah. He fought under the name of Kid Minneapolis.

363. Hey, I saw Kid Minneapolis fight once. In Cincinnati.

364. No, you're thinking of Kid New York. He fought out of Philly.

365. He was killed in the ring in Houston. By Tex Colorado.

366. - You know, the Arizona Assassin. - Yeah, from Dakota.

367. - I don't remember. It was North or South? - North.

368. South Dakota was his brother. From West Virginia.

369. You sure know your boxing.

370. Well... All I know is, never bet on the white guy.

371. You got an address in there?

372. All I got is a card that says "Monique DeCarlo,

373. 210 Bleckman Street."

374. That's the red-light district. Wonder why Savage is hanging out down there.

375. Sex, Frank?

376. Uhh, no, not right now, Ed. We got work to do.

377. The address we were given for Monique DeCarlo

378. was in the part of town known as Little Italy.

379. We proceeded there, hoping this could be

380. the lead that would bring us to Hector Savage

381. and possibly lead us to a clue that would break the case wide open.

382. That's the cops. You gotta get rid of them.

383. All right. All right, I'll handle it. Quick, you hide in the basement.

384. You'll be safe down there.

385. - Ed. - Frank.

386. - Red van. - Yes, I know.

387. Oh, Jane said that she saw a red van outside the Institute the night of the explosion.

388. - Ohh... Let's take him down. - No, he's not working alone.

389. - Let's bug the van. See where it goes. - Good thinking, Frank.

390. - Nordberg! - No problem.

391. Lieutenant Frank Drebin, Police Squad. This is my captain, Ed Hocken.

392. - Is this some kind of bust? - Well, it's very impressive, yes,

393. but we need to ask you a few questions.

394. All right, listen. We're looking for a Hector Savage. Now, where is he?

395. And why should I tell you, copper?

396. Because I'm the last line of defense between sleaze like this

397. and the decent people in this town.

398. Oh, hi, Frank. Say, we got that model

399. D-83 Swedish Sure-Grip Suck Machine in that you ordered.

400. It's a gift.

401. Frank! Come here. Quick!

402. It's Savage. He's on the move.

403. What? Hey!

404. Hey! Stop, stop! I'm a police officer!

405. Let's go, Ed. Remember, we can't let him spot us.

406. Hey! Pull over right now!

407. Nordberg's bugging device is right on the money.

408. I'm not kidding! Stop!

409. Shit!

410. He's changing direction. Stop the car.

411. Oh, no!

412. - He's getting closer. - Good. We should see him any minute now.

413. Keep your eyes peeled.

414. Oh, no!

415. Look, Ed, he's real close now.

416. Step on it!

417. Help! Stop, stop!

418. Frank, stop!

419. Stop right now! I've had it! I said stop!

420. Oh, no!

421. Help!

422. Frank Drebin, Police Squad. What do we have here?

423. It's a tense situation, lieutenant. Savage is holed up in that house over there.

424. - Says he's got hostages. - Could be bluffing. Anything else?

425. Yeah. That red van is registered to one Quentin Hapsburg.

426. Well, looks like the cows have come home to roost.

427. How you doing, trooper?

428. Hey, stop firing!

429. Hold it! Stop firing!

430. Stop firing! Stop firing!

431. All right, give me the bullhorn.

432. This is Frank Drebin, Police Squad.

433. Throw down your guns and come on out with your hands up,

434. or come on out, then throw down your guns, whichever way you wanna do it.

435. Just remember the two key elements here:

436. One, guns to be thrown down. Two, come on out.

437. You just try and take me, Drebin! I got more if you want 'em, copper!

438. Looks like he's holding all the cards, Frank.

439. - Not all the cards, Ed. - How 'bout it?

440. Frank, you can't drive that tank! You're not checked out on it!

441. Don't worry, Ed! Just keep em busy.

442. All right, Savage, what do you want?

443. I want a car out front. Something fun. A Porsche.

444. Then I want a plane ticket to Jamaica. And I want a nice hotel.

445. No touristy place.

446. Something really indicative of the people and their culture.

447. Can't do that, Savage. We're calling your bluff.

448. Now put your hands on top of your head and come out.

449. We got you surrounded front and... hey!

450. Frank, what are you doing? Where are you going? Frank!

451. Frank! Help!

452. - Your coat, sir? - Yes, it is.

453. And I have a receipt to prove it.

454. - Telephone call, commissioner. - Thank you.

455. Excuse me.

456. Yes? He did what?

457. How many animals escaped? Oh, my God!

458. Good evening, commissioner. You're looking lovely tonight.

459. Do you realize that because of you this city is being overrun by baboons?

460. Well, isn't that the fault of the voters?

461. Uhh... Excuse me.

462. I'd just like to thank you all for attending this event

463. in honor of Dr. Albert Meinheimer,

464. who tomorrow will make his historic address.

465. And along with the President, I too pledge

466. to support Dr. Meinheimer's recommendations,

467. whatever they may be.

468. And now, please enjoy the evening.

469. Oh, I'll see you later.

470. - May I cut in? - Frank!

471. - What are you doing here? - I enjoy a good party.

472. - Why are you really here, Frank? - I can sum that up in three words.

473. "Quentin Hapsburg." I never liked him from the moment I laid eyes on him.

474. The man is as dirty as a coal miner's underwear in January.

475. Oh, Frank, what's gotten into you? He's a kind, gentle, concerned man,

476. who cares about people and is not as suspicious as some people I know.

477. Oh, yeah? Why don't you ask him what his connection is

478. with the red van you saw the night of the explosion.

479. I don't know what you're talking about.

480. Oh, why don't you ask him if he's pals with a two-bit goon named Hector Savage.

481. Frank, stop it! You're just jealous because another man can give me

482. the understanding that you never could.

483. I just hope you pal Quentin is watching right now, cause I know he'll be jealous.

484. And a jealous man always makes the wrong move.

485. I'm counting on that!

486. Mr. Drebin, sir, Mr. Hapsburg would like you to join him at his table.

487. - Solitaire is a lonely man's game, Hapsburg. - Lieutenant!

488. I don't recall seeing your name on the guest list.

489. Nothing to be embarrassed about. I sometimes go by my maiden name.

490. Nice party, Hapsburg. See a lot of familiar facelifts.

491. - Do you... gamble, lieutenant? - Every time I order out.

492. Que sera, sera...

493. - You do speak French, don't you? - Unfortunately, no.

494. But I do kiss that way.

495. Excuse me! You happen to be standing in my place.

496. Oh, Dr. Meinheimer, you remember Frank?

497. - Yeah, uh... uh, oh, yeah... Mister, um... - Drebin, from Police Squad.

498. You met him at the Institute.

499. Oh, yes, of course, yes! Oh, oh, do sit down.

500. Thank you, I don't intend to stay.

501. Let's play another game. Who's this?

502. - I wouldn't know. - He's been a bad boy.

503. He blew up a building he shouldn't have

504. and he's driving a van that's registered in your name.

505. We own lots of vans. One of them was stolen

506. not more than three days ago.

507. Look, lieutenant, I have nothing to hide.

508. Maybe so, but I'm warning you, Hapsburg.

509. If you so much as sneeze, and I'm gonna be there to wipe your nose.

510. Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for the first door prize of the evening:

511. an all-expense-paid trip to the Gilligan Islands.

512. And to draw the first winner, we would like to ask our guest of honor,

513. Dr. Albert S. Meinheimer.

514. - Here, let me help you with that. - That really won't be necessary.

515. No, no, no trouble at all.

516. I don't understand what's gotten into Frank.

517. I'm afraid it's merely a case of jealousy, my dear.

518. You're gonna wear all my gears down.

519. I'm telling you. We shouldn't be pushing it like this.

520. He certain seems to get around marvelously.

521. He does.

522. - Frank? - Jane.

523. I... just wanted to tell you that I-I'm sorry about what happened tonight.

524. - Oh, Frank. - Jane, I need to talk to you. May I come in?

525. Well, okay, but the place is kind of a mess.

526. And I was just about ready to make a protein shake. Do you want some?

527. No, thank you.

528. Are you sure? I'm trying out a new recipe tonight.

529. Jane, do you know what Dr. Meinheimer is gonna say

530. at the Press Club dinner tomorrow?

531. Yes, he's going to endorse energy efficiency and renewable energy like solar power.

532. Who else knew that?

533. Only me. And of course I mentioned it to Quentin.

534. And if the President were to adopt a national policy of supporting

535. efficiency and solar energy, who would be the biggest losers?

536. Well, coal, oil and nuclear.

537. - Frank! Frank! Oh. - Jane. Just one more question.

538. You once told me that Dr. Meinheimer had a photographic memory,

539. yet tonight he never recalled meeting me.

540. That's strange, but he has been under a lot of stress lately.

541. Does he have any identifying marks? A scar, a mole, a tattoo,

542. webbed toes, a third nostril?

543. Well, he has a birthmark in the shape of Whistler's Mother on his right buttock.

544. I see, well... Have you noticed anything different about him?

545. Well, only that he is a foot taller and he seems to be left-handed now.

546. Frank! What are you trying to tell me?

547. That Quentin has somehow found an exact double for Dr. Meinheimer

548. and that tomorrow that double will give a fraudulent report to the President?

549. Why, that's brilliant. That's a lot better than what I'd come up with.

550. Frank, stop it. This is preposterous! Is there no end to your jealousy?

551. Jane, you're hurting me.

552. - What more do you want from me? - Can I use your phone?

553. - Local call? - Yes.

554. All right.

555. If you'll excuse me, I have to take my shower.

556. The phone is in the other room. You can let yourself out. Goodbye.

557. Uh, give me captain Ed Hocken, please.

558. Ed, I'm onto something big. Gonna need you and Nordberg tomorrow.

559. What's he doing in Detroit?

560. Well, send him plane fare and a new pair of pants.

561. Frank!

562. Just as I suspected.

563. Come on... on your feet.

564. Jane...

565. - Jane. - Hey, what happened to the water pressure?

566. Jane! Jane!

567. Jane!

568. Frank!

569. Oh, I was so frightened!

570. - What happened out there? - It's nothing. It's nothing to worry about.

571. But if I were you, I wouldn't leave

572. until they had a chance to shampoo the carpets.

573. - Who would wanna kill you, Frank? - Before tonight, only the cable company.

574. But now I'm afraid it's one of Hapsburg's goons. He was carrying this.

575. Hapsburg Valdez. Oh, Frank! I feel like such a fool.

576. - I should have never doubted you. - There, there...

577. You had no way of knowing the man you were dating

578. was a vicious murdering sociopath.

579. Oh, Frank! We have to help Dr. Meinheimer.

580. - He's in danger. - Yes.

581. They'll probably torture him, then kill him.

582. It's all my fault!

583. They'll probably start by tearing out his toenails and move on to the nose hairs.

584. Oh, no! What are we gonna do?

585. If my hunch is right, they're holding him hostage here.

586. - At the Home Club? - What? No!

587. At this warehouse. I gotta get going to rescue him.

588. - Oh, you'll be careful? - Course I... will.

589. I... will, uh...

590. I guess I'd better be on my way.

591. I promised Nordberg we'd bake a raisin nut bread tonight.

592. Oh, I can't fight it any more!

593. I ran away from you once. I can't do it again. Will you stay with me? Please?

594. Frank, I'm tellin' you, we've got no business doing this.

595. All we've got is some dock pass and your hunch.

596. Please, mark my words, Ed, that Hapsburg is up to something

597. right up to his pretty, imported shirt collar.

598. Couldn't have picked a better day for it.

599. This fog'll keep us concealed all the way over to Hapsburg's warehouse.

600. That's not fog, Frank. The number two engine's on fire. They're tryin' to put it out.

601. All right, let's run through this one more time.

602. At exactly 3:15, Nordberg will cut the power lines, knocking out the alarms.

603. Yeah. Right.

604. - Nordberg! - Yeah, got it.

605. I'll be in the van waiting for your signal. Are you all wired up?

606. Yeah. Right.

607. And when you hear me say "I love it", you guys move in.

608. - Check. - Ready, Frank?

609. The water's over there, Frank.

610. Hexagon Oil commercial number one.

611. Piloting today's giant oil tankers is a big responsibility.

612. And that's why here at Hexagon's Tanker Captain Training School,

613. future captains go through a rigorous instruction program.

614. And through a complicated elimination process,

615. we weed out those less qualified for the day-to-day operation

616. of a half-million-ton single hull super tanker.

617. Only the best will be allowed to take command

618. of what is essentially a floating ecological time bomb.

619. Commercial two.

620. Ah, just the way I like it!

621. You know, someday, way in the future,

622. the sun may be able to provide all our energy needs.

623. But right now, it gives us a comfortable feeling

624. to know that our home is being supplied by nuclear power.

625. Oh, I know what you're thinking, but we're not worried.

626. Because we know that nuclear energy is safe.

627. In fact, we kinda think of it as... our friendly neighbor.

628. But remember, our friend can't exist without huge government subsidies.

629. So, write your congressman and tell 'im to keep those government dollars

630. rolling into... nuclear power.

631. It looks like I'm gonna have to find another way in, Ed.

632. They got killer guard dogs here. You read me?

633. Loud 'n' clear. Nordberg, how are we doing?

634. We're at our destination.

635. Ed, I'm gonna try the roof.

636. Ed, I'm gonna try it again.

637. - Okay, Nordberg, cut the power line. - Right.

638. Help! Help!

639. Come in, Nordberg. Frank, you better hold on.

640. We may have a problem here.

641. Well... it's lieutenant Drebin.

642. You were supposed to have been killed last night.

643. Now I think I'm going to enjoy doing it myself.

644. It'll be slow and painful.

645. - What's that smell? - Oh, that would be me.

646. I have been swimming in raw sewage. I love it.

647. I love it!

648. That's the signal, let's go.

649. Humbridge, it's stuck. Give me a hand.

650. Ed, help me! Ed!

651. Search him.

652. I love it!

653. He's wired!

654. Tie him up!

655. You'll never get away with this, Hapsburg.

656. - Whatever it is. - All right, I'll show you.

657. Let me introduce you to some people.

658. Course, you know Dr. Meinheimer. And you've met Earl Hacker.

659. Why, you son of a... ow!

660. And then I'd like you to meet the Redmans.

661. Weekend guests from out of town.

662. We're going to the Press Club dinner. Make sure nothing happens

663. to lieutenant Drebin until I come back.

664. Then... I want the pleasure of killing you myself.

665. The pleasure is all mine.

666. See you after the speech, lieutenant.

667. - Freeze! - That's it. Freeze!

668. Get away. Don't move!

669. Good Lord! Look at what they did to Dr. Meinheimer.

670. You okay, Dr. Meinheimer?

671. That's okay. Don't try to talk.

672. I just can't take this any more.

673. Garbage like you just makes me sick!

674. - E-Ed... - Okay?

675. I'm just John Q. Public now. It's just you and me.

676. - Mano a mano. - Ed...

677. I'll teach you to pick on a helpless invalid!

678. All right, all right, he's had enough!

679. Somebody help the captain. We've got to get to that Press Club dinner.

680. - Mr. Sununu. - Any predictions, Mr. Sununu?

681. I don't think there'll be any surprises in Dr. Meinheimer's address.

682. He'll most likely recommend the President continue our policy of oil dependency,

683. and more dollars for subsidizing nuclear power, as I've often recommended myself.

684. We'll have more on the Press Club dinner after this.

685. Also we'll have an update on the escaped zoo animals.

686. This is probably the most important evening of my career.

687. We can't afford any mistakes.

688. And if you see lieutenant Drebin or any of his Police Squad near these premises,

689. I want them arrested on sight.

690. I told Jane to meet us at the hotel's rear entrance.

691. - Where's that, Frank? - In the back.

692. She's gonna unlock the doors at 7:30 sharp.

693. What about Hapsburg, Frank?

694. We're just gonna have to hope that she can stay clear of 'im.

695. Let's go.

696. Why, Jane!

697. What are you doing out here? The party's inside.

698. Oh, Quentin! I was... just getting a breath of fresh air.

699. I grew up on Lake Erie. There's nothing quite like it.

700. Well, I'm... quite sure...

701. But how fortunate to have found you here. Now you can join me at my table.

702. Jane! Something must have happened to Jane.

703. Hey, Bernardo, you got the keys?

704. I have a better idea. Follow me!

705. Your attention, please. Ladies and gentlemen.

706. Thousand points of... light. Light, a thousand points of light.

707. Recession... bad. Recovery... good. Yeah, I think I got that.

708. Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States.

709. Frank, I think we'd better make our move.

710. You're right, Ed, I'm thinking of something a little more up-tempo, like Guantanamera.

711. No! I mean Hacker. Looks like he's getting ready to make a speech.

712. Ohh, right, Ed. I'll intercept Hacker. You get the doc prepared for his speech.

713. Ladies and gentlemen...

714. - Dr. Meinheimer. - Yes?

715. - Or should I say... Hacker? - Drebin!

716. Look what he's doing to that man in the wheelchair!

717. - Can't someone help? - Yeah. Come on, guys. Let's get him!

718. - Gimme a shot at him! - Beat up a guy in a wheelchair, huh?

719. - We'd better get this man some first aid. - You sit tight, mister.

720. Thank you.

721. I'm pleased and honored to be with you tonight on this historic occasion.

722. Tonight, Dr. Albert Meinheimer, as he looks up to the future,

723. no doubt he's realized how our tremendous dependence on foreign oil

724. has put a stranglehold on our national budget.

725. So, a lot of cuts have to be made and some people are gonna be hit hard.

726. But we'll just keep cutting until we have an impact.

727. And that's the only way we'll be able to move forward.

728. Now I present to you Dr. Albert S. Meinheimer.

729. Oh, my God! He can walk!

730. He can walk! It's a miracle!

731. I can walk!

732. Get off me, you moron!

733. Hey, hey, come back here!

734. Uhh, yes. I see. Everything seems to be okay now, so without further ado,

735. I present to you, once again, the man who needs no introduction,

736. the esteemed Dr. Albert S. Meinheimer.

737. Hold it! Hold everything!

738. - Don't listen to this man. He's a fraud! - No!

739. - And I can prove it! - What do you think you're doing?

740. Because the real doctor Meinheimer has a birthmark

741. in the shape of Whistler's Mother right here!

742. Obviously, a forgery. We'll see about this!

743. Drebin!

744. Hold it! Frank is right. There is a fraud in this room,

745. but it's this man!

746. And he's just given us this signed confession, implicating that man!

747. No, no, no...

748. That man. Quentin Hapsburg.

749. - They're gone! - Let's go!

750. - Let me go! - The roof.

751. Come on, Frank, hurry! Come on!

752. Tonight, I intend to share with you my report

753. on our need for a national policy

754. based on energy efficiency and clean, renewable energy sources.

755. Frank, over there!

756. Frank!

757. Take cover!

758. Frank!

759. Nordberg! Cover me, I'm going in!

760. All right. Where's Hapsburg?

761. - Where you hit? - It's not that.

762. - You're on my groin. - Oh, sorry.

763. - All right, now. Where is he? - You're too late.

764. Hapsburg has Plan B in...

765. in... in...

766. Where? Where? All right.

767. Who else is almost dead?

768. Okay, now...

769. - Talk! - You're too late, Drebin.

770. - He already said that. - Where did he leave off?

771. Uh, "Hapsburg has Plan B in."

772. Oh, yeah. Hapsburg has Plan B in...

773. - in... - Where?

774. Where? Talk, you low-life scum!

775. Gee, if that's your attitude, forget it!

776. I'm right here, Drebin.

777. Drop your gun, lieutenant.

778. I believe you're inquiring about Plan B.

779. That's where we detonate a small nuclear device.

780. Your Dr. Meinheimer can talk all he wants to.

781. No one's gonna be left alive to hear it.

782. Detonation sequence activated.

783. I'm the only one who knows the abort code.

784. In exactly ten minutes, this building and everyone in it

785. will be reduced to a pile of rubble.

786. I'll be safely on my helicopter.

787. By this time tomorrow, I'll be hunting rhino in Botswana.

788. What do you think of that, Drebin?

789. Well, you certainly seem to be in touch with your anger.

790. I don't care what you think, Drebin.

791. You're not gonna talk your way out of this one.

792. Go ahead! Threaten me like you have the American people for so long.

793. But it's not gonna work this time. You're part of a dying breed, Hapsburg,

794. like people who can name all 50 states. The truth hurts, doesn't it, Hapsburg?

795. Oh, sure, maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with the seat missing,

796. but it hurts.

797. That's as far as you go, Drebin. Any final requests, lieutenant?

798. Yes. Can I have the gun?

799. Oh, no. I'm not gonna fall for that one.

800. Not so fast!

801. Six minutes to detonation.

802. All right, now talk! Give me that abort code.

803. Okay, okay, I'll talk.

804. - There's six numbers... - I'm coming, Frank!

805. 2, 1, 7...

806. Oops. Thanks a lot.

807. - You sure you all right? - I'm fine. Are you okay?

808. I'm fine, but unless we can disarm this computer in under 5 minutes,

809. this whole building is gonna blow.

810. - Oh, my God! We gotta warn everyone. - Yeah, right.

811. - Jane, you'd better go. - No, Frank. I'm staying here, with you.

812. But Jane...

813. Frank, if you're going to be blown to bits, I wanna be here with you.

814. Jane, I promise you, if we ever come out of this alive,

815. I'll never let my police work interfere with our love again.

816. Frank. Frank!

817. The bomb. Come on, Nordberg, let's go.

818. Four minutes to detonation.

819. What are we gonna do?

820. Operator's manual. See what you can find.

821. Okay, okay. Let me see here. Oh, here we go.

822. "To reset detonation code, first press pound sign."

823. Per your command, the speed of this sequence has been greatly increased.

824. Detonation now in two minutes.

825. So, instead of spending 2.5 billion dollars

826. on research into nuclear waste disposal,

827. the Federal Government, for only 500 million dollars,

828. or the cost of one B-1 bomber,

829. could reduce the price of solar panels by 90%.

830. As Albert Einstein once said...

831. Table... Hey, come on. Wake up, wake up!

832. Wake up. For God's sake. Wake up for the blow! Wake up!

833. Wake up! I'll get the lights.

834. Now, to elaborate on point 102...

835. Here, read this. It's an emergency.

836. "His strong, manly hands

837. "probed every crevice of her silken femininity,

838. "their undulating bodies writhing in a sensual rhythm

839. "as he thrust his purple-headed warrior

840. "into her quivering mound of love pudding."

841. All right. Listen up, everyone. I want you to calmly file towards the exits.

842. That's it, that's it. Nobody run. Just walk... single file...

843. That's it. If we just stay calm,

844. no one's gonna be harmed by the huge bomb that's gonna exploding.

845. It's a cookbook, it's a cookbook!

846. Twenty seconds to detonation.

847. - What are you gonna do? - 15 seconds.

848. - Hey, it's got my sleeve! - Oh, no!

849. 10, 9, 8...

850. - I can't get it. - Jane, my jacket!

851. 5, 4, 3...

852. - 2, 1... - Let's get out!

853. Frank, look!

854. You did it!

855. Thank you, thank you. Thank you, Mr. President, for those kind words,

856. but... it's all part of the job.

857. Frank, I'd like you to consider filling a special post I'm gona create.

858. It may mean long hours, dangerous nights,

859. and being surrounded by some of the scummiest elements in our society.

860. You want me to be in your cabinet?

861. No... No!

862. I want you to head up a new Federal Bureau of Police Squad.

863. - That's a great honor, Frank. - It's what you've always wanted.

864. Congratulations.

865. Nice going!

866. Thank you. Thank you, Mr. President.

867. Thank you, thank you. I'm very honored.

868. This is something I've always dreamed of,

869. but... I'm afraid I'm gonna have to turn down your offer, Mr. President.

870. You see, I've learned something this past week

871. about the Earth and about love.

872. I guess love is like the ozone layer.

873. You never miss it until it's gone.

874. Blowing away a fleeing suspect with my 44 Magnum

875. used to be everything to me. I enjoyed it. Well, who wouldn't?

876. But now, I wanna be known as "The Environmental Police Lieutenant".

877. I want a world where Frank Junior, and all the Frank Juniors,

878. can sit under a shade tree,

879. breathe the air, swim in the ocean,

880. and go into a 7-Eleven without an interpreter.

881. I want a world where I can eat a sea otter without getting sick.

882. I want a world where the Democrats will put somebody up there worth voting for.

883. I may not get there with you, but most of all,

884. I want a world where I can wake up each morning

885. with this woman, whom I love!

886. Yikes!

887. - Frank! - Jane!

888. Frank! Frank!

889. - Jane, will you marry me? - Yes, of course I'll marry you!

890. We love Frank! We love Frank!

891. Okay. One more picture. Turn around, over here!

892. Smile!

893. Help, George!

894. George!

895. Help!

896. Help!

897. Help!

898. George!

899. George!

900. All right, let's see if I got this straight, now.

901. Energy efficiency... good.

902. Drilling in Arctic national wildlife refuge... bad.

903. Uh, Mr. President, everything okay in there?

904. Yeah, I'm fine, thanks.