1. The honorable Allen D.
and the former Mrs. Eastern.
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2. The honorable
William and Mrs. Breslau.
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3. The honorable Nelson
and Mrs. Winnie Mandela.
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4. Ladies and gentlemen, the President
of the United States and Mrs. Bush.
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5. Here's everybody on the list, Barb.
Everybody's here.
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6. Hi, Peter.
They let you out of the office early today.
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7. Jack, glad you could make it.
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8. Hi. Get rid of the beard.
I don't like that, too liberal.
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9. Hi, Frank. Trudy.
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10. Ow!
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11. Hi, Peter. Glad you could make it.
I like your suit.
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12. Everybody's here. Commissioner.
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13. Thank you very much. Dr. Meinheimer,
I'm glad you could make it, sir.
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14. I'm looking forward
to hearing your speech.
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15. I'm sure it's a wonderful,
well thought-out piece of work.
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16. Ah, here she is. Dear.
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17. Have you met Dr. Meinheimer formally?
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18. Thank you.
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19. Great Lady down!
Repeat, Great Lady down!
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20. - What happened?
- Easy, watch the table!
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21. Wait.
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22. - How are you, dear?
- I'm okay, I'm fine.
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23. Good.
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24. Please be seated.
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25. Welcome. I'm glad you could all come.
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26. I'm pleased that we have so many
distinguished guests tonight.
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27. This week we are celebrating
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28. Law Enforcement Week
all across the country.
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29. So I'd like to turn the proceedings over
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30. to our own
Washington D.C. Police Commissioner,
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31. Captain Anabell Brumford.
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32. I would like to introduce
a most distinguished American.
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33. This week he is being honored
for his 1,000th drug dealer killed.
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34. Please welcome Lieutenant
Frank Drebin of Police Squad.
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35. In all honesty,
the last two I backed over with my car.
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36. - (ALL EXCLAIMING)
- Luckily, they were drug dealers.
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37. Good.
Excellent!
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38. Ah, thank you,
Commissioner Brumford.
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39. Now I'd like to call on my Chief of Staff,
Mr. John Sununu,
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40. to introduce some special guests.
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41. Thank you. Mr. President, tonight
I am extremely proud to welcome
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42. our guests
from the nation's energy suppliers.
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43. First, representing the oil industry,
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44. head of the Society of Petroleum
Industry Leaders, better known as SPIL,
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45. Mr. Terence Baggett.
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46. From the coal industry, Chairman of
the Society for More Coal Energy,
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47. or SMOKE, Mr. Donald Fenzwick.
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48. Thank you.
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49. From the nuclear industry,
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50. President of the Key Atomic
Benefits Office Of Mankind, KABOOM,
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51. - Mr. Arthur Dunwell.
- (ALL APPLAUDING)
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52. As you know, for the past three years,
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53. this administration has been trying
to formulate a National Energy Policy
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54. that will have a lasting impact
on the way we live
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55. for the next decade and beyond.
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56. To make sure
that we choose the right path,
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57. the President has appointed
as his top advisor in this area,
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58. Dr. Albert S. Meinheimer.
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59. As I'm sure you're aware, his reputation
in this field is without peer,
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60. and Dr. Meinheimer
will present his recommendations
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61. to the Annual National Press Club
Dinner this Tuesday evening.
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62. Mr. President.
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63. I want all of you here
to be the first to know
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64. that I've decided to base my
administration's entire energy policy
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65. on Dr. Meinheimer's recommendations.
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66. This issue is too important to be left to
politicians or special interests to decide.
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67. We need an independent and informed
source on which to base future actions,
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68. and Dr. Meinheimer
is the recognized expert in this field.
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69. Mr. President, if I may say so,
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70. I do hope that Dr. Meinheimer
won't be influenced...
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71. Influenced by any of the so-called
environmental groups.
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72. Well, we're all aware of
Dr. Meinheimer's reputation.
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73. He is best qualified
to explain his research methods.
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74. - (FRANK GRUNTING)
Ow!
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75. - Dr. Meinheimer...
Great Lady down again.
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76. (LAUGHING) Whoo!
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77. Ah! This happens every fucking time
when I go shopping!
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78. - Jane...
- Oh, Dr. Meinheimer.
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79. You're back early.
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80. And you're here late.
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81. Surely, a lovely woman like you
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82. can think of something better to do
on a Saturday night?
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83. Oh, I'm sorry,
I didn't mean to be so blunt.
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84. It's all right, Doctor. It's okay.
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85. You're thinking about him again,
aren't you? What was his name?
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86. - Frank?
- Yes. (SNIFFLING)
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87. You just can't forget about him?
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88. - Who?
- Frank.
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89. Oh, yes!
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90. No, I can't. I... I try.
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91. It's just that when you've had
that much man...
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92. But then, you wouldn't understand.
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93. Jane, you mustn't be
so hard on yourself.
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94. You've done a wonderful job
here at the Institute.
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95. You're the finest Director
of Public Relations we've ever had.
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96. Thank you, Doctor, I try my best.
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97. But I see you here
night after night past 10:00.
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98. You must forget about the past.
Go out, see new people, enjoy yourself.
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99. There is someone I'm seeing,
in fact just yesterday.
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100. I was telling him about the speech
that you were preparing for the press...
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101. - Good evening.
Hello, Norm.
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102. I forgot.
How was the White House dinner?
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103. Extraordinary. The President promised
to implement my recommendations.
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104. Wonderful! Then you're going to deliver
the speech you told me about?
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105. Every word of it.
I would've given it tonight,
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106. but a guest there made such a ruckus
that they wouldn't have heard me.
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107. Hey, AI! Ken! Look at this.
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108. I found this in the waste-basket.
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109. Hey, that's a pretty nice clock!
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110. I wonder why they threw it out.
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111. It's probably because it's
four minutes too slow. Let me fix it.
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112. - There.
- (ALARM RINGING)
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113. My name is Sergeant Frank Drebin,
Detective Lieutenant, Police Squad.
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114. I was getting my car washed when
I heard the call come over the scanner.
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115. There had been a bombing and I was
on my way to advise the D.C. Police
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116. as part of the President's
"Operation Scum Roundup".
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117. Ready?
Yeah, got it.
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118. As far as police work
is concerned,
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119. once in a while something comes up
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120. that nothing quite prepares you for.
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121. Somehow, a demented madman,
probably full of self-hate,
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122. and possibly a couple of months
behind in his rent, finally snapped.
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123. - I'm glad you could make it.
- I got here as quickly as I could.
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124. Oh! Congratulations, I understand
that Edna's pregnant again.
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125. - Yes, and if I catch the guy who did it...
- Captain.
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126. They've searched the building.
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127. No sign of a break-in,
no money missing.
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128. This was one hell of an explosion.
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129. We're still trying to figure out
what they used.
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130. - Any other victims?
- You're standing on one right now.
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131. - Oh, I see...
- Get him out of here.
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132. - Oh! This one's a real mess.
- Over here, Frank found another one.
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133. - Any witnesses, Ed?
- Well, there's one. A woman.
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134. She saw a man leaving
just before the explosion.
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135. - We should let Nordberg handle it.
- No, I'd better do it while it's still fresh.
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136. Not now. She fainted dead away.
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137. She took a knock on the head.
She looks pretty bad.
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138. - I'll handle it.
- Sir...
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139. - Miss, I'd like to ask some questions.
- Not that bad.
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140. She's being questioned
by our sketch artist.
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141. I couldn't believe it was her.
It was like a dream.
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142. But there she was,
just like I remembered her.
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143. That delicately beautiful face
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144. and a body that could melt a
cheese sandwich from across the room.
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145. And breasts that seem to say,
"Hey, look at these!"
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146. She made you drop to your knees
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147. and thank God
that you were a man. Yeah...
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148. She reminded me of my mother,
all right. No doubt about it.
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149. Snap out of it. You're looking at her
like she was your mother.
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150. - Frank.
- Jane. I didn't know you lived here.
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151. I moved here two years ago.
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152. - How are the children?
- We didn't have any children.
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153. Yes, of course.
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154. - How was your prostate operation?
- Fine. As good as new.
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155. In fact, better than ever.
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156. Look, Frank...
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157. I know it's awkward, but you're not still
obsessed with our relationship, are you?
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158. Obsessed? Who's obsessed?
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159. Because you backed out of the wedding
two years ago? I'd forgotten.
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160. Ancient history,
like the Democratic Party.
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161. He was in tears.
In church, crying like a baby.
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162. - Get a hold of yourself!
- I had to return 13 Cuisinarts.
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163. - That's enough.
- I kept the salad shooter, though.
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164. Jane, there you are.
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165. Hello, Jane.
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166. Dr. Meinheimer.
Frank, this is Dr. Albert Meinheimer.
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167. - Don't get up. Nice to meet you.
- Likewise, I'm sure.
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168. I believe we met
at the White House dinner.
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169. He never forgets a face.
He has a photographic memory.
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170. It's a terrible thing that's happened.
I hope you find the people responsible.
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171. I'm sorry I can't be more optimistic,
but we have a long road ahead of us.
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172. It's like sex, a painstaking task
that seems to go on and on forever,
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173. and when you think that things are
going your way, nothing happens.
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174. Jane, about this man
you saw last night... Anything can help.
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175. I gave the sketch artist a description.
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176. Eh... Ed! That'll be all, McTigue.
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177. We should get that other artist. The one
that never dates and lives with two guys.
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178. Right. Sorenson!
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179. I'd like to see the rest of the Institute,
if you don't mind?
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180. Of course.
We should start with the research area.
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181. That's a good idea. It's right this way.
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182. What can you tell me
about the man you saw last night?
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183. - He's Caucasian.
- Caucasian?
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184. Yeah. You know, white guy.
With a mustache, about 6'3".
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185. An awfully big mustache.
What's this all about?
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186. This is our research laboratory.
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187. There are hundreds of experiments
going on,
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188. all temperature-controlled
by the machinery just below us.
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189. Our scientists have spent years on them
and are just now making breakthroughs.
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190. Today, we'll join two compounds...
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191. Oh, my God!
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192. Thank heavens the bomb
didn't damage the research area.
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193. Yes, but I can't understand
who'd do such a thing.
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194. Jane, I think you
ought to know something.
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195. - Jane, darling!
- Quentin!
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196. Jane, are you all right?
I was so worried about you.
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197. I'm really okay, but I'm glad you're here.
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198. Oh, I'm sorry!
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199. Frank, this is Quentin Hapsburg
of the Hexagon Oil Company.
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200. - Pleased to meet you, Mr...
- Drebin. Frank Drebin.
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201. I believe I've used
some of your restrooms.
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202. I'm sure you have.
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203. - Are you connected with the Institute?
- Not officially.
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204. But Jane and I have seen
quite a lot of each other lately.
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205. - How is my little hell-cat?
- Oh!
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206. Well, that's great. I've been dating, too.
Nice girl, an author.
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207. Wrote the book on male sexual
dysfunction. You've probably read it.
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208. - I beg your pardon?
- Please...
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209. I'm sure we can
handle the situation maturely,
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210. just like the responsible adults
that we are.
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211. Isn't that right, Mr. Poopy Pants?
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212. - That does it!
- Frank!
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213. Quentin, maybe you should excuse us.
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214. Anything you wish, my darling.
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215. Until tonight, then...
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216. (SINGING) I'm feeling blue
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217. Just thinking of you
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218. I get out of bed
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219. Wish I was dead
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220. And I hope you do, too
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221. So I've given up
I've thrown in the towel
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222. I've taken all the pills
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223. The law will allow
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224. And so I'm feeling blue
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225. Sir?
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226. Give me the strongest thing you've got.
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227. - On second thought, a Black Russian.
- Very well, sir.
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228. I guess I'm just
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229. Screwed
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230. Frank. I thought I'd find you here.
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231. Ed, sit down. Pull up a memory or two.
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232. You left before I could talk to you.
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233. Is it just my imagination
or is the whole world crazy?
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234. No, it's just a small percentage
of the population, Frank.
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235. I hope you're right. It's just that
I don't know if I fit in any more.
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236. You're still thinking about Jane,
aren't you?
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237. She's part of my life, Ed. Always will be.
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238. I think about her constantly.
But it's done.
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239. When she said, "Get out of my life
forever, " I knew it was over.
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240. Sometimes I think about you and Edna,
and I envy you,
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241. because you've had the same person
every day for over 30 years.
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242. You wake up with her,
eat with her, sleep with her...
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243. You make love to the same woman.
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244. You spend every possible
waking moment together,
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245. while I'm out with 20-year-olds who
just want to have fun and cheap sex.
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246. Girls who can't say no,
who can't get enough.
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247. "More, more, more! It's your turn now
to wear the handcuffs."
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248. I just want to love, Ed.
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249. I'm sure you'll find love.
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250. - I already have one.
- It's from the lady.
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251. Go to her, Frank. Go on!
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252. I'll see you in the morning.
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253. - Excuse me.
- Pardon me.
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254. Sorry.
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255. This isn't easy to say.
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256. I'm lonely, I'm lost.
I need someone to hold, to love.
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257. Frank!
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258. Over here.
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259. Well...
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260. - What are you doing here?
- I called your hotel, got no answer.
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261. Then I tried the station house.
I thought maybe you'd be here.
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262. - Good evening, Sam.
- Mr. Drebin. Jane.
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263. Always nice to see nice people.
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264. Sam, play our song.
Just one more time.
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265. Of course.
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266. (IN HIGH PITCHED VOICE)
Ding dong, the witch is dead
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267. Which old witch? The wicked witch...
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268. Sam. That's enough.
Play the other one, please.
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269. You can't let old hurts die, can you?
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270. You walk out of my life, no explanation...
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271. - Didn't you get the letters?
- Every one of them.
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272. I didn't open them. I tore them up
and threw them in the fire.
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273. So you didn't get the cheque for $75,000
that your uncle left you in his will?
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274. Why are you here?
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275. I remembered something
about the crime.
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276. Outside the window, I saw
a red van parked across the street.
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277. Red van?
Thank you, that'll be very helpful.
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278. You've said your piece,
you can go now, right?
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279. That's not my only reason
for being here.
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280. - I want us to be friends.
- Sure, friends...
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281. I bet if I dusted you for prints,
they'd be your lover Quentin's.
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282. Oh! You...
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283. I see a certain kitten
still knows how to scratch.
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284. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that.
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285. We're no good together.
All you ever lived for was police work.
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286. You were always busy
saving the "end zone" layer.
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287. Ozone layer! (SIGHS)
Frank, you never tried to understand.
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288. How can you say that,
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289. when I sank every penny into buying
1,000 acres of Brazilian rainforest.
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290. Then I had it slashed
so we could build our dream house.
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291. Frank! How could you be so insensitive?
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292. Insensitive? You think it's easy
displacing an entire tribe?
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293. You try it sometime.
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294. (SIGHS) I'd better go.
This was a mistake.
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295. I don't know why I came here.
I was hoping that you'd have someone.
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296. I'm single. I love being single!
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297. I haven't had this much sex
since I was a Boy Scout leader!
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298. I mean, at the time, I was dating a lot.
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299. I told you the bombing wouldn't work.
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300. We had no choice.
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301. Look at this headline.
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302. "President to give Meinheimer
blank cheque at Press Club Dinner."
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303. That speech is in two days.
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304. - Don't you think I know that?
- We all know that.
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305. Gentlemen, gentlemen...
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306. I know that you're all worried,
and I agree.
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307. There's plenty to be worried about.
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308. Like this solar power plant,
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309. already operational
outside Los Angeles.
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310. Photovoltaic cells.
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311. They convert sunlight
directly into electricity.
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312. Fluorescents. Last 10 times as long
as a conventional light-bulb.
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313. Uses only a quarter of the power.
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314. Superwindows. They insulate
as well as 10 sheets of glass.
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315. An electric car,
partially powered by solar panels.
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316. But the truth is, gentlemen,
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317. that I'm not worried about
any of these things.
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318. Because no one is ever
going to know about them.
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319. - What about Meinheimer and his report?
- He's going to tell the President.
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320. Good question.
Why don't we just ask him?
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321. That's kidnapping!
- Good heavens!
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322. What about his speech on Tuesday?
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323. Dr. Meinheimer will deliver his speech.
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324. It is my view that we must rely on
coal, oil and nuclear energy.
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325. Our Dr. Meinheimer.
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326. - Oh, my God!
That's incredible!
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327. Meet Earl Hacker,
former arts consultant to Jesse Helms.
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328. Hmm.
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329. As I explained to Mr. Hapsburg,
my fee is $1 million,
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330. and, might I add,
I'm worth every penny of it.
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331. But you gentlemen
don't have any choice.
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332. Do you?
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333. After a good night's sleep,
I headed back to police headquarters.
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334. I figured that if I buried myself
in police work,
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335. I could forget about Jane
and maybe in the process
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336. catch a vicious killer
before he struck again.
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337. So far we had few clues
and no real leads.
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338. I was hoping that the lab boys
had come up with something.
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339. Shut it off!
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340. And now one of you pays.
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341. - Take it easy.
- Say your prayers.
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342. - Nice work.
- What?
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343. Can you show us the results
from the Research Institute?
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344. We weren't able to get
any clean fingerprints,
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345. but we did find footprints
outside the Institute.
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346. We made plaster casts of them.
A size 91/2 D.
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347. We're running a trace on it.
But more interesting,
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348. we also found this dinosaur footprint.
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349. - A major find from the Palaeolithic era.
- Anything else?
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350. Yes, 20 feet down we discovered
ancient timbers from Noah's Ark.
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351. About the case...
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352. I'll be leaving for Boston tomorrow
where I'll deliver a major address
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353. to the American Archaeological Society.
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354. And I'm booked on Geraldo next week.
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355. You're going on Geraldo
because of this?
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356. No, my wife is a transsexual
Satan worshipper.
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357. Meanwhile, we'll be continuing
fingerprint analysis,
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358. fibre checks,
DNA breakdown and hair samples.
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359. Then, using the microscopic
dirt particles on this footprint,
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360. we'll get a geological breakdown
of the entire city.
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361. We may not have that kind of time.
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362. Then maybe this will help.
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363. We found this wallet
on the kerb outside the Institute.
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364. We haven't examined it thoroughly.
It just came down from the lab.
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365. "Hector Savage". From Detroit.
I remember this pug.
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366. Ex-boxer.
His real name was Joey Chicago.
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367. Oh, yeah. He fought
under the name of Kid Minneapolis.
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368. I saw Kid Minneapolis fight once,
in Cincinnati.
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369. No, that's Kid New York.
He fought out of Philly.
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370. He was killed in the ring in Houston
by Tex Colorado.
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371. - The Arizona Assassin.
- Yeah, from Dakota.
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372. - Was it North or South?
- North.
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373. South Dakota was his brother.
From West Virginia.
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374. You sure know your boxing.
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375. All I know is, never bet on the white guy.
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376. - You've got an address?
- The card says, "Monique De Carlo".
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377. "210 Bleckman Street."
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378. That's the red-light district. I wonder
why Savage is hanging out down there.
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379. Sex, Frank?
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380. No, not right now, Ed.
We've got work to do.
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381. The address we had for
De Carlo was in the city's Little Italy.
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382. We went there, hoping it would
lead us to Hector Savage
Copy !req
383. and lead us to a clue
that would break the case wide open.
Copy !req
384. That's the cops.
You've got to get rid of them.
Copy !req
385. All right, I'll handle it.
Quick, hide in the basement.
Copy !req
386. You'll be safe down there.
Copy !req
387. - Ed.
- Frank.
Copy !req
388. - Red van.
- Yes, I know.
Copy !req
389. Jane said that she saw a red van
Copy !req
390. outside the Institute
before the explosion.
Copy !req
391. - Oh! Let's take him down.
- No, he's not working alone.
Copy !req
392. - Bug the van. See where it goes.
- ED: Good thinking.
Copy !req
393. - Nordberg!
- No problem.
Copy !req
394. Lieutenant Frank Drebin, Police Squad.
This is my Captain, Ed Hocken.
Copy !req
395. - Is this some kind of bust?
- It's very impressive, yes...
Copy !req
396. But we need to ask you a few questions.
Copy !req
397. Listen. We're looking for Hector Savage.
Where is he?
Copy !req
398. Why should I tell you?
Copy !req
399. Because I'm the last line of defense
between sleaze like this
Copy !req
400. and the decent people in this town.
Copy !req
401. Hi, Frank. We got that D-83 Swedish
Sure-Grip Suck Machine you ordered.
Copy !req
402. It's a gift.
Copy !req
403. Frank, come here. Quick!
Copy !req
404. It's Savage. He's on the move.
Copy !req
405. What? Hey!
Copy !req
406. Hey! Stop, stop! I'm a police officer!
Copy !req
407. Let's go.
But remember, we can't let him spot us.
Copy !req
408. Pull over!
Copy !req
409. Nordberg's bugging device
is right on the money.
Copy !req
410. I'm not kidding! Stop!
Copy !req
411. Shit!
Copy !req
412. He's changing direction. Stop the car.
Copy !req
413. (SCREAMING) Oh, no!
Copy !req
414. - He's getting closer.
- We should see him any minute.
Copy !req
415. Keep your eyes peeled.
Copy !req
416. Oh, no!
Copy !req
417. Look, he's real close now.
Copy !req
418. Step on it!
Copy !req
419. Help! Stop, stop!
Copy !req
420. Ooh!
Copy !req
421. Frank, stop!
Copy !req
422. Stop right now! I've had it! I said stop!
Copy !req
423. Whoa!
Copy !req
424. Oh, no!
Copy !req
425. Help!
Copy !req
426. Drebin, Police Squad.
What do we have?
Copy !req
427. It's a tense situation.
Savage is holed up in that house.
Copy !req
428. - Says he's got hostages.
- He could be bluffing. Anything else?
Copy !req
429. Yeah. That red van is registered
to one Quentin Hapsburg.
Copy !req
430. Well, it looks like the cows
have come home to roost.
Copy !req
431. How are you doing, trooper?
Copy !req
432. Hey, stop firing!
Copy !req
433. Hold it! Stop firing!
Copy !req
434. Stop firing! Stop firing!
Copy !req
435. All right, give me the bullhorn.
Copy !req
436. This is Frank Drebin, Police Squad.
Copy !req
437. Throw down your guns
and come out with your hands up,
Copy !req
438. or come on out, then throw down
your guns, whichever you want.
Copy !req
439. Remember the two key elements.
Copy !req
440. One, guns to be thrown down.
Two, come on out.
Copy !req
441. You just try and take me, Drebin!
I've got more if you want them, copper!
Copy !req
442. - Looks like he's holding all the cards.
- Not all the cards.
Copy !req
443. How about it?
Copy !req
444. You can't drive that tank!
You're not checked-out on it!
Copy !req
445. Don't worry, Ed! Just keep him busy.
Copy !req
446. All right, what do you want?
Copy !req
447. I want a car out front.
Something fun. A Porsche.
Copy !req
448. Then I want a plane ticket to Jamaica.
And I want a nice hotel.
Copy !req
449. No touristy place.
Copy !req
450. Something indicative of
the people and their culture.
Copy !req
451. We can't do that.
We're calling your bluff.
Copy !req
452. Now put your hands on top of your head
and come out.
Copy !req
453. We've got you surrounded
front and... Hey!
Copy !req
454. Frank, what are you doing?
Where are you going? Frank!
Copy !req
455. Frank! Help!
Copy !req
456. - Your coat, sir?
- Yes, it is.
Copy !req
457. And I have a receipt to prove it.
Copy !req
458. - Telephone call, Commissioner.
- Thank you.
Copy !req
459. Excuse me.
Copy !req
460. Yes?
Copy !req
461. He did what?
Copy !req
462. How many animals escaped?
Oh, my God!
Copy !req
463. Good evening, Commissioner.
You're looking lovely tonight.
Copy !req
464. Do you realize that because of you
this city is being overrun by baboons?
Copy !req
465. Well, isn't that the fault of the voters?
Copy !req
466. Excuse me.
Copy !req
467. Thank you all for attending this
event in honor of Dr. Meinheimer,
Copy !req
468. who tomorrow
will make his historic address.
Copy !req
469. Along with the President, I pledge
to support his recommendations,
Copy !req
470. whatever they may be.
Copy !req
471. And now, please enjoy the evening.
Copy !req
472. I'll see you later.
Copy !req
473. - May I cut in?
- Frank!
Copy !req
474. - What are you doing here?
- I enjoy a good party.
Copy !req
475. - Why are you really here?
- I can sum that up in three words,
Copy !req
476. "Quentin Hapsburg." I never liked him
from the moment I laid eyes on him.
Copy !req
477. The man is as dirty
as a coalminer's underwear in January.
Copy !req
478. What's gotten into you?
He's a kind, gentle, concerned man,
Copy !req
479. who cares about people and is not
as suspicious as some people I know.
Copy !req
480. Oh, yeah?
Copy !req
481. Ask him what his connection is with the
van you saw the night of the explosion.
Copy !req
482. I don't know what you're talking about.
Copy !req
483. Ask him if he's pals with
a two-bit goon named Hector Savage.
Copy !req
484. Stop it! You're just jealous
because another man can give me
Copy !req
485. the understanding that you never could.
Copy !req
486. I just hope Quentin is watching
right now, because he'll be jealous.
Copy !req
487. And a jealous man
always makes the wrong move.
Copy !req
488. I'm counting on that!
Copy !req
489. Mr. Drebin, Mr. Hapsburg
would like you to join him at his table.
Copy !req
490. - Solitaire is a lonely man's game.
- Lieutenant!
Copy !req
491. I don't recall seeing your name
on the guest list.
Copy !req
492. Nothing to be embarrassed about.
I sometimes go by my maiden name.
Copy !req
493. Nice party.
I see a lot of familiar face-lifts.
Copy !req
494. - Do you gamble, Lieutenant?
- Every time I order out.
Copy !req
495. Que sera, sera...
Copy !req
496. - You do speak French, don't you?
- Unfortunately, no.
Copy !req
497. But I do kiss that way.
Copy !req
498. Excuse me!
You happen to be standing in my place.
Copy !req
499. Dr. Meinheimer, you remember Frank?
Copy !req
500. - Mister, um...
- Drebin, from Police Squad.
Copy !req
501. - You met him at the Institute.
- Yes, of course! Do sit down.
Copy !req
502. Thank you, I don't intend to stay.
Copy !req
503. Let's play another game. Who's this?
Copy !req
504. - I wouldn't know.
- He's been a bad boy.
Copy !req
505. He blew up a building and is
driving a van registered in your name.
Copy !req
506. We own lots of vans.
One of them was stolen three days ago.
Copy !req
507. Look, Lieutenant, I have nothing to hide.
Copy !req
508. Maybe, but I'm warning you.
Copy !req
509. If you so much as sneeze,
I'll be there to wipe your nose.
Copy !req
510. Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for
the first door prize of the evening,
Copy !req
511. an all-expense-paid trip
to the Gilligan Islands.
Copy !req
512. Ooh!
Copy !req
513. And to draw the first winner, we would
like to ask our guest of honor,
Copy !req
514. Dr. Albert S. Meinheimer.
Copy !req
515. - Let me help you.
- That won't be necessary.
Copy !req
516. No. No trouble at all.
Copy !req
517. I don't understand
what's gotten into Frank.
Copy !req
518. I'm afraid it's merely
a case of jealousy, my dear.
Copy !req
519. You're going to
wear all my gears down.
Copy !req
520. We shouldn't push it like this.
Copy !req
521. - He gets around marvelously.
- He does.
Copy !req
522. - Frank?
- Jane.
Copy !req
523. I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry
about what happened tonight.
Copy !req
524. - Oh, Frank.
- I need to talk to you. May I come in?
Copy !req
525. Okay, but the place is kind of a mess.
Copy !req
526. I was about to make a protein shake.
Do you want some?
Copy !req
527. No, thank you.
Copy !req
528. Are you sure?
I'm trying out a new recipe tonight.
Copy !req
529. Do you know what Dr. Meinheimer
will say at the dinner tomorrow?
Copy !req
530. Yes, he'll endorse energy efficiency
and renewable energy like solar power.
Copy !req
531. - Who else knew that?
- Only me.
Copy !req
532. (ECHOING) And I told Quentin.
Copy !req
533. And if the President adopts a policy of
supporting efficiency and solar energy,
Copy !req
534. who would be the biggest losers?
Copy !req
535. (ECHOING) Coal, oil and nuclear.
Copy !req
536. - Frank! Frank!
- Just one more question.
Copy !req
537. You told me that Dr. Meinheimer
had a photographic memory,
Copy !req
538. yet tonight
he never recalled meeting me.
Copy !req
539. That's strange, but he has been
under a lot of stress lately.
Copy !req
540. Does he have any identifying marks?
A scar, a mole, a tattoo,
Copy !req
541. webbed toes or a third nostril?
Copy !req
542. He has a birthmark in the shape of
Whistler's Motheron his right buttock.
Copy !req
543. I see... Have you noticed
anything different about him?
Copy !req
544. Only that he is a foot taller
and seems to be left-handed now.
Copy !req
545. Frank! What are you trying to tell me?
Copy !req
546. That Quentin has found
a double for Dr. Meinheimer
Copy !req
547. and that he will give
a fraudulent report to the President?
Copy !req
548. That's brilliant. That's a lot better
than what I had come up with.
Copy !req
549. Stop it, this is preposterous!
Is there no end to your jealousy?
Copy !req
550. - Jane, you're hurting me.
- (SIGHS)
Copy !req
551. - What more do you want from me?
- Can I use your phone?
Copy !req
552. - Local call?
- Yes.
Copy !req
553. All right. If you'll excuse me,
I have to take my shower.
Copy !req
554. The phone is in the other room.
You can let yourself out. Goodbye.
Copy !req
555. Give me Captain Ed Hocken, please.
Copy !req
556. Ed, I'm onto something big.
I'll need you and Nordberg tomorrow.
Copy !req
557. What is he doing in Detroit?
Copy !req
558. Send him the plane fare
and a new pair of pants.
Copy !req
559. (SINGING) Of the way we were
Copy !req
560. Memories
Copy !req
561. Like the colors of my mind
Copy !req
562. Misty water-colored memories
Copy !req
563. Of the way we were
Copy !req
564. Scattered pictures
Copy !req
565. Of the smiles we left behind
Copy !req
566. - Smiles we gave to one another
- (HUMMING)
Copy !req
567. Of the way we were
Copy !req
568. Can it be that it was all so simple then
Copy !req
569. - Or has time rewritten...
- (JANE SCREAMING)
Copy !req
570. Frank!
Copy !req
571. Mmm.
Copy !req
572. Just as I suspected.
Copy !req
573. Come on, on your feet.
Copy !req
574. Jane...
Copy !req
575. What happened to the water pressure?
Copy !req
576. Jane!
Copy !req
577. Frank!
Copy !req
578. I was so frightened!
Copy !req
579. - (EXPLOSION)
- (SCREAMS)
Copy !req
580. - What happened out there?
- It's nothing to worry about.
Copy !req
581. But if I were you, I wouldn't leave
until they shampoo the carpets.
Copy !req
582. - Who would want to kill you?
- Before tonight, only the cable company.
Copy !req
583. Now I'm afraid it's one of
Hapsburg's goons. He was carrying this.
Copy !req
584. Oh, Frank! I feel like such a fool.
Copy !req
585. - I should never have doubted you.
- There, there...
Copy !req
586. You couldn't know that the man you
were dating was a murdering sociopath.
Copy !req
587. Oh, Frank!
We have to help Dr. Meinheimer.
Copy !req
588. - He's in danger.
- Yes.
Copy !req
589. They'll probably torture him,
then kill him.
Copy !req
590. (SOBBING) It's all my fault!
Copy !req
591. They'll start by tearing out his toenails
and then move on to the nose hairs.
Copy !req
592. Oh, no! What are we going to do?
Copy !req
593. If my hunch is right,
they're holding him hostage here.
Copy !req
594. - At the Home Club?
- What? No!
Copy !req
595. At this warehouse.
I've got to get going to rescue him.
Copy !req
596. - You'll be careful?
- Of course I will.
Copy !req
597. I will...
Copy !req
598. I guess I'd better be on my way.
Copy !req
599. I promised Nordberg
we'd bake a raisin nut-bread tonight.
Copy !req
600. Oh, I can't fight it any more!
Copy !req
601. I ran away from you once. I can't
do it again. Will you stay with me?
Copy !req
602. Please?
Copy !req
603. Frank, we've got no business doing this.
Copy !req
604. We've only got a dock pass
and your hunch.
Copy !req
605. Hapsburg is up to something right up
to his pretty, imported shirt collar.
Copy !req
606. It's a perfect day.
Copy !req
607. This fog'll keep us concealed
to Hapsburg's warehouse.
Copy !req
608. That's not fog. The number two
engine's on fire. They're putting it out.
Copy !req
609. Let's run through this one more time.
Copy !req
610. At 3:15, Nordberg will cut the
power lines, knocking out the alarms.
Copy !req
611. Yeah. Right.
Copy !req
612. - Nordberg.
- Got it.
Copy !req
613. I'll be in the van waiting for your signal.
Are you wired-up?
Copy !req
614. Yeah. Right.
Copy !req
615. When you hear me say,
"I love it", you guys move in.
Copy !req
616. - Check.
- Ready, Frank?
Copy !req
617. The water's over there.
Copy !req
618. Hexagon Oil commercial
number one.
Copy !req
619. Piloting today's giant
oil tankers is a big responsibility.
Copy !req
620. That's why here at Hexagon's
Tanker Captain Training School,
Copy !req
621. future captains go through
a rigorous instruction program.
Copy !req
622. Through a complicated
elimination process,
Copy !req
623. we weed out those less qualified
for the day-to-day operation
Copy !req
624. of a 500,000-tonne
single hull super tanker.
Copy !req
625. Only the best will take command
Copy !req
626. of what is essentially
a floating ecological time bomb.
Copy !req
627. Commercial two.
Copy !req
628. Ah! Just the way I like it!
Copy !req
629. Someday, way into the future,
Copy !req
630. the sun may be able to
provide for all our energy needs.
Copy !req
631. But right now,
it gives us a comfortable feeling
Copy !req
632. to know that our home
is being supplied by nuclear power.
Copy !req
633. I know what you're thinking,
but we're not worried.
Copy !req
634. We know that nuclear energy is safe.
Copy !req
635. In fact, we think of it as
our friendly neighbor.
Copy !req
636. But remember, our friend can't exist
without huge government subsidies.
Copy !req
637. So tell your congressman
to keep those government dollars
Copy !req
638. rolling into nuclear power.
Copy !req
639. I'll have to find another way in, Ed.
Copy !req
640. They've got killer guard dogs here.
Do you read me?
Copy !req
641. Loud and clear.
Nordberg, how are we doing?
Copy !req
642. We're at our destination.
Copy !req
643. Ed, I'm going to try the roof.
Copy !req
644. I'm going to try it again.
Copy !req
645. - ED: Cut the power line.
Right.
Copy !req
646. Help!
Copy !req
647. Come in, Nordberg.
Frank, hold on. We have a problem.
Copy !req
648. Well... It's Lieutenant Drebin.
Copy !req
649. You were supposed to
have been killed last night.
Copy !req
650. But now I think I'm going to
enjoy doing it myself.
Copy !req
651. It'll be slow and painful.
Copy !req
652. - What's that smell?
- Oh, that would be me.
Copy !req
653. I have been swimming in raw sewage.
I love it.
Copy !req
654. I love it!
Copy !req
655. That's the signal, let's go.
Copy !req
656. It's stuck. Give me a hand.
Copy !req
657. Ed, help me! Ed!
Copy !req
658. Search him.
Copy !req
659. I love it!
Copy !req
660. He's wired!
Copy !req
661. - (TAPE SQUEAKING)
- (DOG BARKING)
Copy !req
662. Tie him up!
Copy !req
663. You'll never get away
with this, Hapsburg.
Copy !req
664. - Whatever it is...
- All right, I'll show you.
Copy !req
665. Let me introduce you to some people.
Copy !req
666. Of course, you know Dr. Meinheimer.
Copy !req
667. And you've met Earl Hacker.
Copy !req
668. Why you son of a...
(GROANING)
Copy !req
669. And then I'd like you
to meet the Redmans.
Copy !req
670. Weekend guests from out of town.
Copy !req
671. We're going to the Press Club Dinner.
Make sure nothing happens to Drebin
Copy !req
672. until I come back.
Copy !req
673. Then I want the pleasure
of killing you myself.
Copy !req
674. The pleasure is all mine.
Copy !req
675. Hmm.
Copy !req
676. See you after the speech,
Lieutenant.
Copy !req
677. Hmm?
Copy !req
678. - Freeze!
- That's it. Freeze!
Copy !req
679. Don't move!
Copy !req
680. Good Lord!
Look at what they did to Dr. Meinheimer.
Copy !req
681. - Are you okay, Dr. Meinheimer?
- (GROANS SOFTLY)
Copy !req
682. - That's okay. Don't try to talk.
- (COUGHING)
Copy !req
683. I just can't take this any more.
Copy !req
684. Garbage like you just makes me sick!
Copy !req
685. Ed...
- Okay?
Copy !req
686. I'm just John Q. Public now.
It's just you and me.
Copy !req
687. - Mano a mano.
- Ed...
Copy !req
688. I'll teach you to pick on
a helpless invalid!
Copy !req
689. All right, he's had enough!
Copy !req
690. Somebody help the Captain.
We've got to get to that dinner.
Copy !req
691. This guy's heavy!
Copy !req
692. Any predictions, Mr. Sununu?
Copy !req
693. There won't be any surprises
in Dr. Meinheimer's address.
Copy !req
694. He'll recommend that the President
continues our policy of oil dependency,
Copy !req
695. and more dollars for subsidizing nuclear
power, as I've recommended myself.
Copy !req
696. We'll have more on the dinner later and
an update on the escaped zoo animals.
Copy !req
697. This is the most important evening
of my career. We can't afford mistakes.
Copy !req
698. If you see Drebin or
any Police Squad near these premises,
Copy !req
699. I want them arrested on sight.
Copy !req
700. I told Jane to meet us
at the hotel's rear entrance.
Copy !req
701. - Where's that?
- In the back.
Copy !req
702. She'll unlock the doors at 7:30.
Copy !req
703. - What about Hapsburg?
- Hopefully, she can stay clear of him.
Copy !req
704. Let's go.
Copy !req
705. Why, Jane!
Copy !req
706. What are you doing out here?
The party's inside.
Copy !req
707. Oh, Quentin! I was just getting
a breath of fresh air.
Copy !req
708. I grew up on Lake Erie.
There's nothing quite like it.
Copy !req
709. Well, I'm quite sure...
Copy !req
710. But how fortunate to have found you.
Now you can join me at my table.
Copy !req
711. Jane! Something
must have happened to Jane.
Copy !req
712. Bernardo, you've got the keys?
Copy !req
713. I have a better idea. Follow me!
Copy !req
714. Your attention, please.
Ladies and gentlemen.
Copy !req
715. Thousand points of... Light.
Light, a thousand points of light.
Copy !req
716. Recession... Bad. Recovery... Good.
Yeah, I think I've got that.
Copy !req
717. Ladies and gentlemen,
the President of the United States.
Copy !req
718. Bésame
Copy !req
719. Hey!
Copy !req
720. Bésame mucho...
Copy !req
721. Each time I cling to your kiss
I hear music divine
Copy !req
722. - Bésame mucho
- Hey!
Copy !req
723. Hold me, my darling
and say that you'll always be mine
Copy !req
724. We'd better make our move.
Copy !req
725. Yeah, I'm thinking about something
more up-tempo, like Guantanamera.
Copy !req
726. No, I mean Hacker!
He's getting ready to make a speech.
Copy !req
727. Right! I'll intercept Hacker.
Copy !req
728. You get the doctor
prepared for his speech.
Copy !req
729. Bravo! Encore!
Copy !req
730. Ladies and gentlemen...
Copy !req
731. - Dr. Meinheimer.
- Yes?
Copy !req
732. - Or should I say Hacker?
- Drebin!
Copy !req
733. Look what he's doing
to that man in the wheelchair!
Copy !req
734. - Can't someone help?
- Come on, guys. Let's get him!
Copy !req
735. - Give me a shot at him!
- Beating a guy in a wheelchair, huh?
Copy !req
736. - We'd better get this man first aid.
- Sit tight, mister.
Copy !req
737. Thank you.
Copy !req
738. I'm pleased and honored to be with you
tonight on this historic occasion.
Copy !req
739. Tonight, Dr. Meinheimer,
as he looks up to the future,
Copy !req
740. no doubt realizes
how our dependence on foreign oil
Copy !req
741. has put a stranglehold on the budget.
Copy !req
742. A lot of cuts will have to be made
and some people will be hit hard.
Copy !req
743. But we'll just keep cutting
until we have an impact.
Copy !req
744. That's the only way
we'll be able to move forward.
Copy !req
745. Now I present to you
Dr. Albert S. Meinheimer.
Copy !req
746. Oh, my God! He can walk!
Copy !req
747. He can walk! It's a miracle!
Copy !req
748. I can walk!
Copy !req
749. Get off me, you moron!
Copy !req
750. Hey, come back here!
Copy !req
751. Everything seems to be okay now,
so without further ado,
Copy !req
752. I present to you, once again,
the man who needs no introduction,
Copy !req
753. the esteemed Dr. Albert S. Meinheimer.
Copy !req
754. Hold it! Hold everything!
Copy !req
755. - Don't listen to him. He's a fraud!
- No!
Copy !req
756. - I can prove it!
- What are you doing?
Copy !req
757. The real doctor has a birthmark
Copy !req
758. in the shape of Whistler's Mother
right here!
Copy !req
759. Obviously a forgery.
We'll see about this!
Copy !req
760. Drebin!
Copy !req
761. Hold it! Frank is right. There is a fraud
in this room, but it's this man!
Copy !req
762. And he's just given us this signed
confession, implicating that man!
Copy !req
763. No, no, no...
Copy !req
764. That man. Quentin Hapsburg.
Copy !req
765. - They're gone!
- Let's go!
Copy !req
766. Let me go!
- The roof.
Copy !req
767. Come on, Frank, hurry! Come on!
Copy !req
768. Whoa!
Copy !req
769. Tonight, I intend to share with you
my report
Copy !req
770. on our need for a national policy
Copy !req
771. based on energy efficiency and clean,
renewable energy sources.
Copy !req
772. Over there!
Copy !req
773. (SCREAMING) Frank!
Copy !req
774. Take cover!
Copy !req
775. Frank!
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776. Nordberg! Cover me, I'm going in!
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777. - All right. Where's Hapsburg?
- (GROANING)
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778. - Where are you hit?
- It's not that.
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779. - You're on my groin.
- Oh, sorry.
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780. - Where is he?
- You're too late.
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781. Hapsburg has Plan B in...
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782. In... In...
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783. Where, where? All right.
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784. Who else is almost dead?
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785. Okay, now...
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786. - Talk!
- You're too late, Drebin.
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787. - He already said that.
- Where did he leave off?
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788. "Hapsburg has Plan B in..."
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789. Oh, yeah. Hapsburg has Plan B in...
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790. - In... (GAGGING)
- Where?
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791. Where? Talk, you low-life scum!
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792. Gee, if that's your attitude, forget it!
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793. I'm right here, Drebin.
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794. Drop your gun, Lieutenant.
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795. I believe you're inquiring about Plan B.
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796. That's where we detonate
a small nuclear device.
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797. Your Dr. Meinheimer
can talk all he wants.
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798. No one will be left alive to hear it.
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799. Detonation sequence activated.
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800. I'm the only one
who knows the abort code.
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801. In 10 minutes,
this building and everyone in it
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802. will be reduced to a pile of rubble.
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803. I'll be safely on my helicopter.
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804. By this time tomorrow,
I'll be hunting rhino in Botswana.
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805. What do you think of that?
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806. You certainly seem to be
in touch with your anger.
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807. I don't care what you think.
You won't talk your way out of this.
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808. Go ahead! Threaten me like you have
the American people for so long.
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809. But it won't work this time.
You're part of a dying breed,
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810. like people who can name all 50 states.
The truth hurts, doesn't it?
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811. Maybe not as much as jumping on
a bicycle with the seat missing,
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812. but it hurts.
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813. That's as far
as you go, Drebin.
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814. Any final requests, Lieutenant?
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815. Yes. Can I have the gun?
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816. Oh, no. I'm not going to fall for that one.
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817. Not so fast!
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818. Six minutes to detonation.
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819. - All right, talk! Give me that abort code.
- Okay, I'll talk.
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820. - Six numbers, two, one, seven...
- ED: I'm coming, Frank!
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821. Thanks a lot.
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822. - (ROARING)
- (QUENTIN SCREAMING)
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823. - Are you all right?
- I'm fine. Are you okay?
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824. Yes, but unless we can disarm
this computer, the building will blow.
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825. - We must warn everyone.
Yeah, right.
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826. - Jane, you'd better go.
- No, Frank. I'm staying here with you.
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827. But Jane...
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828. If you're going to be blown to bits,
I want to be here with you.
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829. Jane, I promise you
that if we ever come out of this alive,
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830. I'll never let my police work
interfere with our love again.
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831. ED: Frank. Frank!
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832. The bomb. Let's go, Nordberg.
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833. Four minutes to detonation.
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834. What are we going to do?
- See what you can find in the manual.
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835. Let me see here...
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836. Oh, here we go.
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837. "To reset detonation code,
press pound sign."
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838. Per your command,
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839. the speed of this sequence
has been increased.
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840. Detonation now in two minutes.
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841. So instead of spending $2.5 billion
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842. on research
into nuclear waste disposal,
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843. - the Federal Government,
- (ALL SNORING)
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844. for only $500 million,
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845. or the cost of one B-1 bomber,
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846. could reduce the price
of solar panels by 90%.
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847. As Albert Einstein once said...
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848. Wake up, wake up!
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849. Wake up, the place is going to blow!
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850. Wake up.
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851. Wake up!
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852. I'll get the lights.
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853. To elaborate on point 102...
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854. Here, read this. It's an emergency.
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855. "His strong, manly hands
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856. "probed every crevice
of her silken femininity,
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857. "their undulating bodies
writhing in a sensual rhythm
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858. "as he thrust his purple-headed warrior
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859. "into her quivering mound
of love pudding."
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860. Listen up, everyone. I want you
to calmly file towards the exits.
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861. That's it. Nobody run.
Just walk, single file.
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862. That's it. If we'll just stay calm,
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863. no one will be harmed by the
huge bomb that's going to explode.
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864. It's a cookbook, it's a cookbook!
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865. Twenty seconds to detonation.
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866. What are you going to do?
Fifteen seconds.
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867. It's got my sleeve!
- Oh, no!
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868. AUTOMATED VOICE: 10, 9, 8...
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869. I can't get it.
Jane, my jacket!
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870. AUTOMATED VOICE: 5, 4, 3...
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871. - AUTOMATED VOICE: 2, 1...
- Let's get out!
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872. Frank, look!
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873. You did it!
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874. Thank you,
Mr. President, for those kind words,
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875. but it's all part of the job.
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876. Frank, I'd like you to consider filling
a special post I'm going to create.
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877. It may mean long hours,
dangerous nights,
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878. and being surrounded by some of
the scummiest elements in our society.
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879. - You want me to be in your cabinet?
- (ALL EXCLAIMING)
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880. No... No!
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881. I want you to head up
a new Federal Bureau of Police Squad.
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882. - That's a great honor.
- It's what you've always wanted.
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883. Congratulations.
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884. Nice going!
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885. Get in here.
- Thank you, Mr. President.
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886. Thank you. I'm very honored.
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887. This is something I've always dreamt of,
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888. - but I'll have to turn down your offer.
- (ALL EXCLAIMING IN SHOCK)
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889. You see, I've learnt something
this past week
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890. about the Earth and about love.
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891. I guess love is like the ozone layer.
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892. You never miss it until it's gone.
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893. Blowing away a fleeing suspect
with my.44 Magnum
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894. used to be everything to me.
I enjoyed it. Who wouldn't?
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895. But now I want to be known as
"The Environmental Police Lieutenant".
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896. I want a world where Frank Junior,
and all the Frank Juniors,
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897. can sit under a shade tree,
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898. breathe the air, swim in the ocean,
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899. and go into a 7-Eleven
without an interpreter.
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900. I want a world where I can eat
a sea otter without getting sick.
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901. I want a world where the Democrats
have a candidate worth voting for.
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902. I may not get there with you,
but most of all,
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903. I want a world
where I can wake up each morning
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904. with this woman, whom I love!
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905. Yikes!
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906. - Frank!
- Jane!
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907. Frank! Frank!
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908. - Jane, will you marry me?
- Yes, of course I'll marry you!
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909. (CHANTING) We love Frank!
We love Frank!
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910. One more picture.
Turn around, over here!
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911. - Smile!
- (BARBARA SCREAMING)
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912. Help, George!
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913. All right,
let's see if I got this straight, now.
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914. Energy efficiency, good.
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915. Drilling in
Arctic national wildlife refuge, bad.
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916. Er, Mr. President,
is everything okay in there?
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917. I'm fine, thanks.
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