The Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare (2024)

1. Uh, Sweden.

2. I'm... I'm... Swedish

3. but I speak a little English.

4. We're coming on board.

5. All are welcome. All are welcome.

6. Even the little one. He can come too.

7. Welcome.

8. Why are you here?

9. Just a little sailing holiday.

10. A jolly boys trip.

11. Take your hands off.

12. Papers?

13. Passport?

14. Here you go.

15. Any other people on the boat?

16. Just the two of us.

17. Nein.

18. Come, come, we have lots to eat...

19. Take your dirty hands off me!

20. Back off!

21. And you,

22. put your hands in the air!

23. Ooh!

24. You're in trouble now!

25. You've been a naughty boy!

26. I'll give you 100 francs to shoot him.

27. Don't shoot me!

28. He hates Germans. You should really shoot him.

29. I... I'm sorry. You are very scary.

30. Make him walk the plank.

31. He loves wood.

32. Dirty drunken animal!

33. Guilty as charged.

34. I always take a can of kerosene

35. for just these sort of occasions.

36. It's been a while,

37. but the last time someone laughed at me

38. when I boarded their vessel,

39. I gave them the choice.

40. Either swim to shore

41. or take their chances on a burning ship.

42. Hans and I wondered which option they'd choose,

43. death by water or death by fire.

44. Oddly, they chose both.

45. They waited until the very last moment,

46. until their hair was on fire,

47. and their blistered skin peeled from their fingers,

48. before they immersed themselves in water

49. in the vain hope

50. of reaching shore.

51. One of them

52. sank immediately and perished.

53. But to our amazement, the big one,

54. he showed great spirit.

55. In spite of all the odds...

56. he painstakingly made it to shore.

57. We followed and cheered him on

58. and rewarded this impressive achievement

59. with a bullet

60. to the back of his head.

61. Isn't that funny?

62. Why aren't you laughing?

63. Nice work, Lassen.

64. There's more where that came from.

65. Yes.

66. Ah...

67. Not sure it's working, Lassen.

68. The captain looks rather agitated.

69. They're bringing their guns to bear.

70. They'll find their range soon, sir.

71. Freddy, should we be worried?

72. Oh, I don't think so, sir.

73. It's a rather large explosive, so I set a rather large fuse.

74. I located the outside of the powder room,

75. so when it goes bang,

76. it really should go bang.

77. Closer...

78. Should be any second now, chaps.

79. Freddy?

80. Good work, Frederick.

81. Thank you, Captain.

82. Now, any chance you can tell us

83. what we're doing here, sir?

84. The war in Europe rages on

85. as Hitler and his Nazi horde sweep aside all in their path.

86. Poland, Belgium and now France

87. have all fallen to Hitler's fascist regime,

88. leaving Britain holding up the final hopes

89. of liberation for all of Europe.

90. So, come on, Blighty, get ready for a fighty.

91. But we cannot do it alone.

92. And any hope for our American brothers

93. to join us from across the Atlantic

94. remains frustrated

95. by Germany's secret weapon, the U-boat.

96. These deadly little submarines

97. hunt at will in the North Atlantic.

98. Undetectable, the U-boat sinks ships indiscriminately,

99. whether carrying munitions, provisions

100. or civilians heading

101. from our companions across the pond.

102. So long as the U-boats rule the Atlantic,

103. it remains impossible

104. for America's brave troops to reach our shores.

105. Will Britain be forced to appease Hitler's plans

106. or face devastation from his offensive?

107. London burns and her seas run red,

108. as bombs from above and torpedoes from below

109. grind the Brits down.

110. And with no defense against these lethal U-boats,

111. it appears all hope may be lost

112. for peace in Europe.

113. The Germans cut off our supply chain with U-boats,

114. we cut off the supply chain to the U-boats.

115. Through our intelligence agents,

116. we've found a way.

117. The entire

118. servicing, repairing, and rearming

119. of Hitler's Atlantic U-boat fleet...

120. is operated by two Nazi tug boats...

121. and an Italian supply ship in Fernando Po.

122. I need men who are willing to go and sink those ships.

123. Why don't we just air-raid Fernando Po

124. and sink the ships?

125. Because crafty Germans, being crafty Germans,

126. have positioned themselves in a Spanish colony.

127. Fernando Po is neutral territory.

128. If we attack that colony,

129. the rest of unoccupied Europe will join the Nazis,

130. and it's only a question of time

131. before we find ourselves

132. frying big pink sausages

133. wearing nothing but lederhosen.

134. Hitler is not playing by the rules

135. and neither are we.

136. This will of course be an unsanctioned,

137. unauthorized and unofficial mission.

138. If they're captured by the British,

139. they'll be thrown in jail.

140. But if the Nazis find them...

141. it's torture and death.

142. Somewhat contentiously,

143. I may have just the man,

144. but rather inconveniently,

145. he's currently incarcerated at His Majesty's pleasure.

146. We may not like his attitude,

147. but he's bold, he's a killer,

148. and the men will follow him anywhere.

149. Are we sure this is a good idea?

150. Of course we're not.

151. But we're desperate.

152. - Send him in.

153. Forward!

154. Stand there, Major.

155. Thank you, Sergeant.

156. Gus March-Phillips,

157. this is Lieutenant Commander...

158. Fleming. Ian Fleming.

159. He used to be at Naval Intelligence,

160. now he works for me.

161. Why am I here, M?

162. I have a mission I want you to lead.

163. Why are you asking me, M?

164. Help yourself to a cup of tea, Major.

165. We both know that I'm...

166. not very popular with the administration.

167. The reason they find you unattractive

168. is the very reason I find you attractive.

169. Mission?

170. Operation Postmaster.

171. To neutralize the German U-boats

172. in the North Atlantic.

173. - And, uh, what's the plan?

174. The U-boats need

175. - fuel and torpedoes. - Oh.

176. But they also need

177. carbon dioxide filters for oxygen.

178. Without them, they can't dive and they can't hunt.

179. Stuck on the surface, they're obsolete.

180. Target?

181. The Duchessa d'Aosta.

182. She's an Italian ship the Germans have been using...

183. to refuel, re-arm and replenish

184. the CO2 filters for the entire fleet.

185. She's hidden off the coast of West Africa.

186. A small island called Fernando Po.

187. We want you to, um, sink her.

188. You'll be posing as fishermen

189. sailing down the west coast

190. on board a trawler loaded with enough explosives

191. to destroy the Duchessa.

192. This is Agents Heron and Stewart.

193. They'll be working undercover on the island.

194. Mr. Heron's already established there,

195. running various businesses.

196. What businesses?

197. A casino bar, and illegal exports game.

198. Profitable?

199. - I do quite well.

200. High-ranking Nazis are my most valued clients.

201. Good for you.

202. Miss Stewart, an actress and singer,

203. has been training with us for the last two years.

204. She'll be posing

205. as a gold trader from New York.

206. Her mission is to seduce and distract

207. the island's Commanding Officer Heinrich Luhr.

208. She's very capable and somewhat motivated.

209. Motivated how, sir?

210. My mother's side were German Jews.

211. They were the first to go.

212. Very sorry to hear that.

213. I'm sure you'll recover.

214. We have 44 days

215. before the Nazis move their operation.

216. We won't find them again.

217. If I'm to do this, I'll need my own team.

218. You won't like them. They're all, uh...

219. mad.

220. They'll need to be. Give us their names.

221. Henry Hayes.

222. A smart, young Irishman who hates the Nazis

223. because his older brother,

224. who was a close friend of mine,

225. drowned after a U-boat sank his fishing trawler.

226. I've taken him under my wing ever since.

227. He's cunning, quiet and wily.

228. More to the point,

229. Hayes is a magnificent sailor and I trust him.

230. If we're going to try and sink a large ship,

231. we'll need Freddy "The Buzz" frogman.

232. He can swim across the channel with his feet tied together.

233. Admittedly,

234. he's a convicted arsonist and a terrible misery

235. unless he's destroying something.

236. But he's very good at blowing things up.

237. Next, we'll need the Danish hammer.

238. Anders Lassen.

239. Grew up wrestling bears

240. and hunting elk on his family estate.

241. He's a legend

242. with a Bowie knife and a bow and arrow.

243. He ran away at 18 to fight the Nazis

244. after the Gestapo tortured his brother to death.

245. He gave up filleting game for gutting Nazis.

246. He then turned up on our shores

247. ready to fight alongside us.

248. He is an uncontrollable mad dog

249. who knows a hundred creative ways

250. to kill a man.

251. And finally,

252. and most importantly, we'll need Geoffrey Appleyard.

253. Yes, we thought you might.

254. That's why we sent him

255. on a reconnaissance mission to Fernando Po.

256. Unfortunately,

257. the Nazis nabbed him on his return.

258. All the more reason. He knows what we need to know.

259. He's a master planner,

260. a master survivor, a chess grand master

261. and a surgeon with the blade.

262. We spent two weeks together in a Dunkirk foxhole

263. and if it wasn't for Apple, I would still be there today.

264. No Apple, no mission.

265. I'm afraid that's impossible.

266. Why?

267. Because he's being held

268. by an entire German garrison on La Palma.

269. La Palma's on the way.

270. - That's insanity. - You let me worry about that.

271. I must get me one of those coats.

272. Now, any chance you can tell us

273. what we're doing here, sir?

274. Dry yourself off, frogman, and I'll tell you.

275. The curiosity is eating us all up, sir.

276. I apologize for all the secrecy, chaps.

277. But this is

278. an unsanctioned, unofficial and unauthorized mission.

279. If we're picked up by the Brits,

280. we will all go to jail.

281. If we're picked up by the Germans,

282. torture and death.

283. So, it's just the four of us then?

284. And Captain Appleyard.

285. He's responsible for securing this information.

286. He is, however, in a spot of bother.

287. He is being held by the Germans on La Palma.

288. Our first job is to liberate him.

289. - Oh, so, that's all, is it? - No.

290. We need to confirm Appleyard's intelligence.

291. That's why there are two more agents

292. on their way to Fernando Po by train, as we speak.

293. Doing what, exactly?

294. They'll be ensuring

295. that those ships are filled with supplies,

296. so they're worth blowing up in the first place.

297. It's one thing taking over the world,

298. but do they have to take over the kitchen too?

299. It's all sausage, cabbage and black bread.

300. Who would you have preferred?

301. The French offer the refined classical take.

302. Cote de boeuf, fromage, le beurre...

303. - ca suffit!

304. What about the rustic spontaneity of the Italians?

305. Their oils, the linguine, the tomatoes.

306. I'd climb over the linguine to get to the fettucine.

307. But the cinghiale.

308. Mmm.

309. You have me with the wild boar.

310. But then again, the Spanish offer

311. the smorgasbord

312. of the regional paella and tapas.

313. And Jamon Iberico Andalucia.

314. So?

315. We're between a rock and a hard place.

316. If the Brits win the war,

317. we're stuck with fish and chips.

318. If the Germans win the war,

319. we're stuck with this menu.

320. So?

321. We'll have the sausage, the cabbage

322. - and the black bread please.

323. Tres bien. Merci.

324. Our situation?

325. Steady.

326. Steady.

327. Now.

328. Mmm.

329. I'm exhausted.

330. Entschuldigung, bitte.

331. Halt!

332. Is there a problem?

333. I can manage myself, thank you.

334. Allow me, Miss Stewart.

335. Allow me.

336. Thank you.

337. Prost!

338. Door.

339. Locked.

340. Case?

341. Working on it.

342. Sir, contact.

343. - Contact.

344. Standing by.

345. Duchessa's manifest. Ready?

346. - Ready. - 400 B-grade torpedoes. Check.

347. 400 B-grade torpedoes.

348. Check.

349. Check.

350. 5,000 tons of diesel. Check.

351. 5,000 tons of diesel.

352. - Lieutenant. - Yes, sir?

353. Check.

354. - Check.

355. 10,000 carbon dioxide filters. Check.

356. End of message from Stork, sir.

357. Confirm receipt.

358. Receipt confirmed.

359. Urgent, Chequers.

360. Get the car ready. Inform Fleming.

361. Let's pack it up.

362. No point robbing the bank

363. if there's no gold in the vault.

364. Thank you.

365. It's truly comforting to know

366. there's at least one gentleman in the world.

367. Ah! Idiot!

368. Good day.

369. Sausage, cabbage and black bread.

370. Hitler has made us an offer.

371. An appeasement.

372. But we must step down our army,

373. surrender our Navy and accept Nazi rule.

374. Otherwise, he promises

375. total destruction of Britain and her empire.

376. Our best option

377. is to take Hitler's deal while we can.

378. The Air Marshal agrees.

379. He has more bombs, more men, more machines.

380. We won't survive much longer.

381. You have to make the only decision you can make

382. in good conscience, Prime Minister.

383. Good God, girls. Listen to yourselves.

384. It's not appeasement, it's surrender.

385. You still fail to realize who we're up against.

386. With respect, Prime Minister, it's you who doesn't realize.

387. We cannot hope to defeat him.

388. Hitler is the mainspring of evil,

389. a guttersnipe.

390. This is not a man that we can negotiate with.

391. I've read his book, Admiral Pound.

392. The man is a vicious, victimized ideologue.

393. He cannot be trusted.

394. If I thought that we could've achieved peace

395. through surrendering,

396. I'd have done it already.

397. We need to stop our country from starving.

398. We need three million tons of supplies

399. to cross the Atlantic every month.

400. We are currently losing 50% of that to U-boat attacks.

401. Another reason to take the deal.

402. I've not finished, Algernon, darling.

403. We need the Americans,

404. and they will never enter the war

405. if we already appear to be a losing side.

406. Ending hostilities with Germany

407. is the best path out of this mess.

408. We are all in agreement, Prime Minister.

409. Thank you, gentlemen.

410. Yes, thank you, gentlemen!

411. M, Fleming, this better be good news.

412. Prime Minister,

413. we have the manifest here, sir.

414. It's been confirmed

415. the Duchessa is fully laden with supplies

416. to keep the U-boats operational indefinitely.

417. If we're going to sink her, now is the time.

418. They're on their way.

419. And their chances?

420. Well, if anyone can, they can.

421. But if we're discovered,

422. parliament will remove you from office.

423. Well,

424. we'd better make sure we're not discovered then.

425. We'll take it from the cliffside.

426. It's an 85-foot sheer climb.

427. No one should notice

428. a small, innocuous fishing vessel.

429. We'll set up in the woods and see what we're up against,

430. then we'll go for a night raid.

431. Slip in quietly, find Apple, come out fast.

432. Numbers?

433. Intelligence suggests a garrison of 50 to 60.

434. That should be about 15 each.

435. Lassen, try not to be greedy. You do have a reputation.

436. My killing days are over.

437. I'm just here as a peacekeeping observer.

438. Freddy, bag the kit, silence the weapons.

439. When do we go?

440. 0200.

441. Take the towers first, then move onto the radio room,

442. barracks and end up in the control room...

443. - What do we have here?

444. Gestapo.

445. How'd you know?

446. The badder they are, the better they're dressed.

447. I really must get me one of those coats.

448. They must be here for Apple.

449. It's either torture or, uh, extraction, sir.

450. If they extract him, it'll be the end of Apple.

451. We won't be seeing him again.

452. I'm afraid, gentlemen,

453. we're not going to have the luxury of night.

454. We're going to have to go in now.

455. So, what's happened there then?

456. It looks like

457. they've been plugged full of arrows, Haysey.

458. Well, where did the arrows go?

459. Straight through them.

460. There were two more round the other side.

461. Where are they now?

462. Same place as these two.

463. Nazi heaven.

464. Well, we've got less than seven minutes

465. before they're missed.

466. Alarms, dogs. None of it good.

467. Go undercover of the engine.

468. Only break cover when things go bang.

469. I have a great idea, Lassen.

470. Why don't you march off by yourself

471. and fill those Germans full of arrows?

472. Freddy, grab the scissors and help him with that fence.

473. Aye, sir.

474. Haysey, you're with me. We go left.

475. Freddy, Lassen, you go right.

476. Fill your boots, gentlemen, and bon appetit.

477. - See you at the tower.

478. And remember, gentlemen, try to have fun.

479. - So far, so good.

480. - Doing rather well, Haysey.

481. Oh, why thank you, sir.

482. It's very good.

483. Sounds like stealth mode's over.

484. Haysey, down!

485. - Nein! Nein!

486. Do we know each other?

487. - No.

488. Is that a heart, Lassen?

489. For the avoidance of doubt.

490. Apple, old boy.

491. - Gus. - I see you two have met.

492. This is Haysey.

493. - Pleasure, Haysey. - Pleasure's mine.

494. I thought you might need these.

495. Jolly thoughtful of you.

496. You all find him?

497. Oh, goody.

498. Bloody hell, what happened to your nipples?

499. You all right?

500. Couldn't unplug me, could you? Battery's still on.

501. Did you see the Duchessa,

502. the tug boats?

503. And rather a lot of Nazi soldiers.

504. Why wasn't that in your report?

505. Because those soldiers and those guns,

506. and those S-Boats are all new.

507. That's a lot more than the boys are expecting.

508. A month ago, it was a dozen mechanics.

509. Six drunk sailors.

510. Two fat Spaniards.

511. And a Nazi in a pear tree.

512. I'd say, we're gonna need more help.

513. You leave that to me.

514. - Of course.

515. - But right now...

516. - ... you need to meet that man.

517. Your man. The reason you're here.

518. Ah.

519. The only thing worse than a Nazi...

520. is him.

521. I'm very disappointed, Heron.

522. There are 16 crates in my warehouse

523. you have not yet shipped to the mainland.

524. No need to fret, Herr Luhr.

525. They'll still be delivered by the agreed date.

526. That may be.

527. But they take up valuable space.

528. For this, I expect

529. a significant reduction in your fee.

530. - I can do 5%...

531. as a gesture of goodwill.

532. Twenty. And don't waste my precious time haggling.

533. Well, strictly speaking,

534. there should be no reductions,

535. since there's not yet been any breach of contract.

536. Five is more than polite, 20 rings like a sour note,

537. it jars.

538. It jars?

539. Am I being accused of disharmony?

540. I take that as a personal affront.

541. And I am supposing you are not the secretary.

542. Miss Stewart is the contact I said I'd arrange.

543. Ah, your New York gold contact?

544. I told you,

545. I already have a satisfying arrangement.

546. Have a seat.

547. Thank you.

548. Well, I hope I don't disappoint.

549. I can't make a decision on this presentation.

550. Early days.

551. Well, if early days do come too soon,

552. and seasons change with a Hunter's Moon.

553. Hmm.

554. Hmm.

555. I have to say, Heron,

556. for all your flaws,

557. you do have a habit of pulling rabbits from hats.

558. So, how much gold do you wish to move,

559. - Miss Stewart?

560. As much as you can find.

561. As I mentioned before,

562. I do already have a very profitable arrangement.

563. And despite of your commentary,

564. I pride myself on maintaining harmony.

565. Now, why should I entertain you?

566. Because you'll make more money and have lots of fun

567. whilst doing so.

568. If I'm not good for my word, don't pay me.

569. Bravo.

570. I will talk to my people and then we'll rendezvous.

571. Lovely.

572. When the sly red cat barks at dawn,

573. and kills just for her pleasure,

574. who shares the meal the cat did steal

575. when both looked on in pleasure?

576. Auf wiedersehen.

577. The riddle was a nice touch.

578. The hook's in.

579. Now be careful how you reel him in.

580. I'll make sure the harbor's empty

581. when the boys arrive.

582. How are you going to do that?

583. I'll throw a party at my club.

584. A costume party for the officers

585. and a second party at the dock for the soldiers.

586. People like my parties.

587. Everyone but Luhr.

588. That will be your job.

589. All the rats will follow the piper.

590. So, if I understand correctly,

591. we're currently here in La Palma.

592. We'll sail around German-controlled Africa

593. to Fernando Po,

594. which is just north of the Equator,

595. just off the West African coast.

596. So that's the shortest route?

597. Yes, but we don't want to go shorter.

598. Our priority is not to be seen.

599. You mean, be seen again.

600. Again? Getting a little sloppy on us now, Gussy?

601. Had a run-in already?

602. Never mind us, Apple, old boy.

603. Remind me again

604. how you found your nipples attached to a car battery.

605. Yes. Wasn't my fault.

606. Bad intelligence. Plus it was almost worth it

607. to watch the heart-snatcher at work.

608. I'm better known as a lover than a fighter.

609. Jesus Christ!

610. If that's how you fight, I'd hate to see you love.

611. You don't have to worry about that,

612. you're too pretty for me.

613. Freddy, on the other hand...

614. You'd have to catch me first.

615. I do love to hunt.

616. You'd be lucky.

617. I'm really getting quite hot.

618. Anyway, my suggestion is that we take this wider route.

619. It's obviously longer

620. but it should avoid any awkward conversations

621. with German U-boats or British warships.

622. Weather-dependent,

623. we should make it there in 15 days.

624. Agreed.

625. Haysey, do you think you could manage that?

626. Leave it to me, sir.

627. Just do as you're told

628. - and get me another drink!

629. Captain, sir.

630. Can I get you something to eat?

631. May I... Come this way.

632. - Take your hands off me.

633. You know,

634. I like you, Femi.

635. But you touch me again and you're going to jail.

636. Femi.

637. I'll deal with him.

638. Please take care of Miss Stewart.

639. You know what you need, Captain Binea?

640. I know what I need.

641. But do you, Ricardo?

642. You need another drink.

643. Marty,

644. good stuff.

645. Ricardo, that's why I love you.

646. - You understand.

647. This is Fernando Po.

648. Everybody's welcome.

649. Si... Everybody.

650. Too many body I think.

651. Armando?

652. Have you fallen out with our new friends?

653. It's not fair, Ricardo.

654. This is my harbor.

655. I am in charge.

656. Are they stepping on your toes?

657. They don't step, they stamp!

658. They tell Captain Binea nothing.

659. Only now do I hear

660. the Duchessa is leaving the harbor early.

661. Well, good riddance.

662. The harbor will be yours again.

663. When will you be free of that ugly vessel?

664. Three days earlier.

665. Then we should have another drink.

666. To celebrate. Marty...

667. Another round for our Harbor Master.

668. So, Captain, do you know where they wish to relocate?

669. It's neither cat nor dog that kills for fun,

670. it's the vixen, not another.

671. There's only two that kill for fun,

672. my pretty friend,

673. the fox and his human brother.

674. I believe I have resolved your little riddle.

675. Chapeau. You play well.

676. Speaking of foxes,

677. Horowitz and Meyer, West 47th Street.

678. Have you heard of them?

679. I don't believe I have, no.

680. They're the largest gold traders

681. in Midtown New York

682. and you haven't heard of them?

683. I'm afraid I haven't, no.

684. I am familiar, of course, with Horowitz and Haim.

685. But they're in the west side of the city.

686. But then again,

687. I'm sure you already knew that, didn't you?

688. I'm curious,

689. how do you find dealing with the Jew?

690. Oh, dear.

691. I've slipped from one snare

692. only to find myself in another.

693. How shall I put this?

694. I fear your brilliant leader

695. has mischaracterized the ancient tribe of Jahuda.

696. Their ability to not only

697. survive 3,000 years with a boot on their neck,

698. but to prosper in spite of it...

699. I suspect it inspired satanic jealousy within him.

700. In conclusion,

701. it looks as though

702. the lady doth protest too much.

703. Is there a cherry to go on this blasphemous cake,

704. or have you finished?

705. I must confess,

706. not only do I respect and admire the Jew...

707. I am one.

708. Kidding!

709. They're greedy rats.

710. I think this could be

711. the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

712. Then I shall throw a party to celebrate.

713. I don't care for parties.

714. Oh, spoilsport! Everybody loves a party.

715. The Duchessa's leaving

716. three days earlier than we thought.

717. If we don't tell the Maid Honor,

718. they'll arrive too late.

719. Incoming.

720. Contact.

721. More Jerries on the island than expected.

722. Tin of corned beef's out of pantry

723. three days early.

724. I'll take that.

725. It's confidential, sir. For M only.

726. When it comes to make the extraction,

727. it needs to be a very...

728. Sir. Message, sir.

729. More Jerries on the island than expected.

730. Corned beef's out of the pantry

731. three days early.

732. Move faster.

733. Yes, but there's increased U-boat sightings in the area.

734. Sir.

735. The mission's still proceeding.

736. So, there's more soldiers on the island

737. and the boat's leaving earlier?

738. Yes.

739. Well, how are we meant to move faster?

740. We can't move faster.

741. We're going as fast as we can.

742. This is a fishing boat, it's not a speedboat.

743. Prime Minister,

744. the Duchessa's leaving Fernando Po in 12 days.

745. On our current schedule,

746. they'll arrive three days too late.

747. Can it still be done?

748. We're still awaiting a response

749. from Major Phillips.

750. If we can't move faster, we'll go shorter.

751. We can get to Fernando Po in 12 days.

752. Hold on, you said we couldn't go shorter.

753. No, I said we don't want to go shorter.

754. He said we'll get mowed down by a U-boat.

755. Or worse, picked up by the Brits.

756. Their armada of destroyers are crossing there.

757. We will literally be sailing over U-boats.

758. Sorry, lads, we go shorter.

759. Drei, zwei, eins...

760. Gentlemen, as I speak to you now,

761. London once again

762. shudders beneath a Nazi onslaught from the skies.

763. And at such times,

764. the hearts of men are stirred to duty.

765. But you are not such men.

766. You were not chosen

767. for your conspicuous honor or high ideals.

768. You were chosen

769. because you are the last resort.

770. The mission you have been given

771. is of a sort never before undertaken.

772. It demands ruthless men, who will not hesitate

773. to stoop beneath the conventions of war.

774. Men who do not keep clean hands.

775. Men like you.

776. - And yet, who still conspire

777. in their own discordant harmony.

778. Who know and yet do not care that they may never return.

779. And who press onward not for glory,

780. or for duty, or for me,

781. but because you are men who will not stop

782. until it is done.

783. Godspeed, gentlemen.

784. Uh... Chaps...

785. That's a British destroyer.

786. We should move.

787. We can't outrun that, sir.

788. Well, we've seen them, they've seen us.

789. Hold fast, Maid Honor.

790. We're preparing a boarding party.

791. Hello, Captain!

792. Nothing exciting here.

793. We're just Swedish fishermen.

794. Step forward, Jorgensen!

795. Jorgensen, you're Swedish.

796. Ask them where they're heading, would you?

797. Not you, Lassen.

798. Uh...

799. I want to hear March-Phillips have a go.

800. Ah.

801. Fair enough.

802. Game's up, Commander.

803. Can't blame a girl for trying.

804. Good effort, Major.

805. But I'm afraid you are going to have to come with us.

806. May I ask under whose authority

807. we've been waylaid?

808. On the orders of Admiral Pound.

809. First Lieutenant.

810. You are pursuing

811. an unsanctioned criminal enterprise

812. in international waters.

813. You're going to cause an upset.

814. I think we're a little past upset, Commander.

815. Stevens, what have you got?

816. I had a ping, sir.

817. The greedy little Nazi

818. won't be satisfied with holding most of Europe,

819. he's after our own green and pleasant land.

820. Well, thank God you're here

821. with your little wooden battleship

822. and your five-man army.

823. - U-boat, bearing 273.

824. - Sound the alarm.

825. Come aboard.

826. U-boat approaching. Starboard side, sir.

827. Battle stations!

828. Major, if you know what's good for you,

829. - you'll head home. - Very good, Commander.

830. Haysey, get us away from that torpedo magnet

831. as quickly as possible.

832. Aye, sir. Apple, man the stern.

833. Freddy, on the main sail.

834. Lassen to the bow, now. Untie that station!

835. Aye.

836. Quickly now, lads!

837. Hoist that foresail for us, will you, boys?

838. Main sail ready to haul!

839. All right, Freddy, now raise that main sail!

840. Aye.

841. - Report sounding.

842. - Bearing 163.

843. Lassen, trim the main sail

844. and then tie it off!

845. How do you expect good?

846. Report sounding.

847. Bearing 115.

848. - Fire depth charges.

849. So, this is your man that gets things done?

850. His name is Kamp Billy... with a K.

851. And he went to an English boarding school?

852. Not just any boarding school. He went to Eton,

853. the boarding school.

854. Right...

855. Then what's he doing here?

856. He's a prince.

857. A prince of what, exactly?

858. - The Prince of Fernando Po!

859. So, he's part pirate, part aristocrat?

860. Chic.

861. He's also a part of our solution.

862. RH.

863. KB.

864. He's back in town.

865. Chief.

866. Seems like you always come bearing gifts.

867. Is she for me?

868. - Good luck with that.

869. I'm not for you,

870. but these are.

871. Mmm. Goodies. Yummy.

872. - Ade... - Chief.

873. Come on, come on.

874. Someone has taste.

875. Rarer than hens' teeth.

876. Well, RH tells me that KB

877. is the only man to talk to

878. when it comes to getting things done.

879. Why do I feel like I've gone from being

880. - the predator to the prey?

881. Quite an entrance, young lady.

882. It's on the condition that we sample them...

883. now.

884. Ade, set the table.

885. Chief.

886. And then the Duke said,

887. "Push it in till it stops!"

888. You are quite the weapon.

889. I was right,

890. I was the prey.

891. I'll help you because I don't like Nazis.

892. Not because they're Nazis but because they're gauche.

893. I'll give you a tug and 12 of my best men,

894. including yours truly.

895. But if I'm gonna help you, who's gonna help me?

896. Because you're not a soldier, RH.

897. No, but she is.

898. She'll outshoot your best man.

899. I told you.

900. - No! - No!

901. Stork delivery. Check.

902. Check.

903. Twenty-three boys. Check.

904. - Stork delivery.

905. Twenty-three boys.

906. Seventeen girls.

907. Meeting point 20 kilometers outside Fernando Po.

908. The rendezvous with Heron.

909. Can you get us there?

910. If the weather holds,

911. I can, sir.

912. Twenty quid says this doesn't end well.

913. For who?

914. For them.

915. You can't bet on yourself, Haysey. That's match-fixing.

916. Let's do it.

917. Heron, it's been too long.

918. Good to see you, Gus.

919. Apple.

920. This is Kamp Billy, the Prince of Fernando Po.

921. Your Highness.

922. He's agreed to help us.

923. Forgive me, but...

924. I have a peculiar feeling that we've met before.

925. I get that a lot. I'm extremely well-traveled.

926. No, no. It's a particular sense.

927. I don't suppose you played cricket, did you?

928. Captained Eton. '21 to '22.

929. I knew I knew your face!

930. Right next to the trophy cabinet.

931. An eight-foot-tall huge portrait.

932. Yes, exactly that!

933. One eye on the boundary...

934. one eye on the pub.

935. Bloody glad to have you aboard.

936. Bloody good to be here, old boy.

937. I'm very bored

938. with these Nazis making a nuisance of themselves.

939. I mean, it's terrible for business.

940. I'm only too pleased

941. to help you serve them a bloody nose.

942. That's a commendable attitude.

943. So, what's your plan?

944. Apple.

945. We're going to sink the Duchessa,

946. plus the two tugs.

947. Crippling Hitler's Atlantic fleet of U-boats.

948. Very good.

949. The thing is, our old friends the Nazis

950. aren't making it the easiest.

951. We're outnumbered two hundred to five.

952. There's a few more soldiers than we anticipated.

953. I think that we're gonna have

954. to find ourselves a few more strapping lads.

955. Ade...

956. Right...

957. Yes, I think that will do.

958. We brought some weapons if you need.

959. You hold onto those. We brought our own.

960. Oyah! Show them the iron!

961. Marvelous.

962. You do know the Duchessa is

963. more than 200 feet from the harbor side?

964. And she's in full glare of the lights.

965. She's not gonna be easy to sink

966. without attracting unwanted attention.

967. Yes. That's why Heron will plant a bomb

968. to blow the lights, before we paddle in

969. and rig the hull with explosives.

970. By the time the explosives detonate,

971. we'll be heading home.

972. If I had it my way, a shot'll never be fired.

973. And how often do you have it your way?

974. Depends on who you ask, old boy.

975. Gentlemen...

976. - Ade. - Chief.

977. - Prepare the men.

978. I'll take that 20 whenever you're ready, Freddy.

979. The Duchessa will be gone by the morning.

980. - Can you manage that?

981. It's two wires and a tick-tock.

982. I'm sure I can cope.

983. It's not me you should be worried about.

984. I've never taken a Nazi to a party.

985. Just don't end up at one of his parties.

986. Don't worry about me.

987. I'm gonna have my own little party.

988. Drink for the boys, on His Majesty's government.

989. Ordinarily, I'd bite your hand off,

990. as I have been known to love a pound note.

991. But on this occasion,

992. the drinks are on me.

993. However,

994. if His Majesty's government was handing out titles...

995. You're already a prince, old boy.

996. There's Prince of Fernando Po, but...

997. a Knight of the Realm has a certain antiquity to it.

998. Arise, Sir Kamp Billy.

999. You're a good man, Gus.

1000. Good luck, Billy.

1001. Hola!

1002. Buenas tardes, companeros!

1003. My Herr, you have a visitor.

1004. Ta-da!

1005. Cleopatra needs her Caesar.

1006. Put it on.

1007. Thank you, Timothy.

1008. One second.

1009. Timothy...

1010. I have a counter offer.

1011. Let's put this dressing up aside.

1012. It's for children. And we are not children.

1013. Let's make our own party.

1014. A dark party.

1015. A dark Nazi party.

1016. With music, lubrication and a handsome Nazi.

1017. Since I've been here,

1018. I've been bitten by things that croak and slither,

1019. scorpions nest in my boots and I can't sleep

1020. for the relentless howl of jungle entropy.

1021. Tonight,

1022. I'm going to that party, and you are taking me.

1023. Now, put it on.

1024. Oh.

1025. Very well.

1026. Ah! Hola!

1027. We move when the lights go out.

1028. All right, Ricardo,

1029. today you're El Capitan.

1030. Armando, the bar is yours.

1031. Use it. Abuse it at your will.

1032. That's why I love you.

1033. Come with me, handsome.

1034. I need you to keep the men happy.

1035. How happy?

1036. Mmm.

1037. Are the rats in the nest?

1038. You won't find a German, Spanish or Italian officer

1039. anywhere else tonight.

1040. Between the beer fest at the harbor

1041. and this little get-together,

1042. that'll be 90% of the soldiers away from the dock.

1043. The charge is set to blow the harbor lights

1044. in 30 minutes.

1045. Can you keep him here that long?

1046. Silly boy, silly question. Look at the dress.

1047. Hi.

1048. So, you call this a party?

1049. This is just the thin end of the wedge.

1050. I've created a performance just for you.

1051. Well, I could show you a real party.

1052. Why do I care, Spaghetti?

1053. Pizza.

1054. Excuse me while I powder my nose.

1055. - What, again?

1056. Don't panic, Caesar. Brush up on your Italian.

1057. Your gift needs to be wrapped.

1058. Keep those officers drinking, please.

1059. - Of course. Okay. - Thank you, Femi.

1060. The Duchessa's hull has been reinforced.

1061. It won't sink.

1062. We need to stop the mission.

1063. That's going to be hard to do.

1064. Listen to me.

1065. Our mission will fail.

1066. The explosives won't work

1067. because he's reinforced it to be unsinkable.

1068. You have to stop them now.

1069. But the charge is about to blow the lights.

1070. Well, if you can't stop the lights,

1071. stop the men.

1072. Luhr must not leave this party.

1073. I'll keep him busy. Go, now.

1074. And we're off.

1075. Gus, wait.

1076. Stork to Maid, Stork to Maid, come in.

1077. Channel five.

1078. This is Maid. Switching to 20.

1079. Go ahead.

1080. Tin of corned beef can't be cracked.

1081. The ship cannot be sunk.

1082. Explosives will fail.

1083. It's Stork, sir.

1084. Put him on open speaker.

1085. Corned beef can't be cracked.

1086. Stork, this is M.

1087. Never mind the corned beef. Just find a way.

1088. - Over. - Pound incoming, sir.

1089. - Repeat... - Switch that off.

1090. - We must...

1091. Stop this immediately.

1092. What you are doing ends now,

1093. or every last one of you will be subject to a tribunal.

1094. Is that clear?

1095. I don't know what you're talking about, sir.

1096. Is that correct, Sergeant?

1097. Hold position.

1098. How long, Stork?

1099. - Awaiting orders. - Give me that.

1100. Stand by.

1101. March-Phillips,

1102. this is Admiral Pound giving you a direct order.

1103. Abort this mission now.

1104. I will make sure that

1105. none of you see the light of day again.

1106. You will spend the rest of your lives

1107. locked up at His Majesty's pleasure.

1108. That includes all of you.

1109. Geoffrey Appleyard,

1110. Anders Lassen,

1111. - Freddy Buzz... - I'm sorry...

1112. and Henry Hayes.

1113. Can't quite make out

1114. - what you're saying.

1115. Bye.

1116. - Is... Is that clear?

1117. Sorry? What?

1118. I can't... I can't quite hear you.

1119. Please... fuck off.

1120. You and your operation are reckless, Brigadier.

1121. I will personally advise parliament

1122. to have the Prime Minister removed from office.

1123. And I am going to shut you down.

1124. Message received loud and clear, sir.

1125. I suggest you also fuck off, Sergeant.

1126. Fleming, contact March-Phillips.

1127. Lily, get me the Prime Minister on hotline.

1128. - Right away, sir. - Come in, 01.

1129. Come in, do you receive?

1130. - Yes? - Prime Minister,

1131. I'm afraid we've been discovered.

1132. There was a mole in our midst

1133. and Admiral Pound

1134. has ordered the mission to be aborted.

1135. He wants to have parliament remove you from office.

1136. The mission must continue.

1137. 01, this is base. Over.

1138. Tell Pound if he has a problem,

1139. to take it up with me. He knows where I live.

1140. Tell the men to press on.

1141. I'm afraid we've lost all communication, sir.

1142. There must be something that we can do.

1143. The only thing I can do is remind you,

1144. the reason we chose March-Phillips

1145. is because he doesn't follow orders.

1146. Then let's hope we chose well.

1147. The Duchessa's hull has been reinforced.

1148. Which means she can't be sunk.

1149. At least not with the amount of explosives we're carrying.

1150. Just wondering how and when exactly this took place.

1151. It's not important how and when, it's happened.

1152. Well, it is kind of important, Gus.

1153. I don't care about the prison time,

1154. but I do care about finishing what we've started.

1155. Thank you, Freddy.

1156. There must be some sort of mistake.

1157. You can't just reinforce...

1158. There's no mistake, Haysey.

1159. I'm just lost about how and when exactly...

1160. - Enough!

1161. Why don't we sink the tug boats?

1162. Get rid of the shuttle to the U-boats.

1163. It's not enough.

1164. They'll replace them in a week.

1165. Why don't we steal them?

1166. We can use Billy's boat

1167. to drag the Duchessa out of the harbor

1168. and steal the other two German tug boats

1169. that service the U-boats.

1170. And how are we supposed to do that?

1171. Not only is she double-plated, weighing twice as much,

1172. but you'd need a full crew to move a ship that size.

1173. The tug boats are the crew.

1174. We tow the Duchessa out to the ocean

1175. and, well, steal the lot.

1176. Then what? We still can't sink them.

1177. We don't need to.

1178. We sail into international waters

1179. and hand everything over to the Navy.

1180. They're following us anyway,

1181. so they'll be more than happy to see us again.

1182. And what about the anchor?

1183. Have you seen the size of it?

1184. If we're gonna actually start to move her,

1185. their S-boats will catch us in seconds.

1186. Well, what are you going to do

1187. with all the explosives you brought, Freddy?

1188. We'll use them to blow the anchor.

1189. We'll rig the S-boats so they can't follow,

1190. rig the fuel reserve that supplies the U-boats,

1191. and then, well, blow the lot up.

1192. That fuel explosion's gonna bring

1193. everyone and their mother down to the harbor.

1194. We set the fuse,

1195. so that the fuel dump blows once we're outside the harbor.

1196. Then we sneak out quietly.

1197. Not bad.

1198. It's very greedy.

1199. - Well, I'm in. - Well,

1200. I'm not leaving until I have a barrel full of Nazi hearts.

1201. I'll do whatever you tell me to do, sir.

1202. Gentlemen,

1203. let's steal some boats.

1204. Turns out she's double-plated, so change of plans.

1205. We're going to steal the boats instead.

1206. Is that even possible?

1207. I'm not entirely sure.

1208. But if you're up for it, so are we.

1209. And you know what that means.

1210. A lot more blood and a lot more sweat.

1211. Hopefully not any of ours, old boy.

1212. I don't think we can do this without you, Billy.

1213. Well, I'm up for it if you are.

1214. I think we're gonna need your tug.

1215. Haysey and I will take a stroll along the harbor

1216. and take out any soldiers still patrolling.

1217. Freddy will bring his dinghy around

1218. and take care of the S-boats.

1219. We'll meet you by the tug boats.

1220. And the Duchessa?

1221. That's Apple and me.

1222. We'll take care of any crew and blow the anchor.

1223. And destroy their comms.

1224. Not sure what you'll meet on board.

1225. Take my top boy and two more of my men.

1226. Gentlemen, let's prepare.

1227. Not yet.

1228. Mein Herr.

1229. Haysey...

1230. Up there on the left, sir.

1231. Yes.

1232. He made a crash!

1233. We could take that car, sir. Save us some shoe leather.

1234. Incoming.

1235. Papers please.

1236. - Commander. - All good, Freddy?

1237. Charges are set to go

1238. once we're out of the harbor, sir.

1239. Let's carry on then.

1240. Did you enjoy your gift?

1241. Mmm.

1242. I think now it's time

1243. that the fox shows his den to the vixen.

1244. Heron, why are the lights still on?

1245. I lit the room with oil lamps,

1246. so they wouldn't notice when the power went out.

1247. - Look out!

1248. Freddy, rig this 88,

1249. then take the first tug with Haysey.

1250. - Gute nacht. - Guten abend.

1251. Guten abend.

1252. Terribly sorry, old boy.

1253. - Do you mind? I seem to...

1254. - ... have misplaced my knife.

1255. - Bugger!

1256. Thank you, Billy.

1257. - Oh!

1258. I hope that's not your blood, Lassen.

1259. I hope so too.

1260. Okay, boys, cast off.

1261. Let's get this ship out of here.

1262. Go on. Go on...

1263. Go on!

1264. There's three more rooms just like this one.

1265. That should stop the U-boats for the next six months.

1266. Let's get this thing towed out of here.

1267. We are here, boys.

1268. Quietly. Let's set a warning.

1269. I need you to go to the front of the boat

1270. and attach the Vulcan to the Duchessa,

1271. Lassen and I will head to the bridge.

1272. Okay.

1273. Take the right side.

1274. And you, get up there and get this thing started.

1275. It's Gus.

1276. Everyone's in place.

1277. What,

1278. you didn't actually think it would work, did you?

1279. It was your plan.

1280. Well, let's make sure

1281. we keep our end of the bargain.

1282. Signal back and I'll heave off.

1283. So, what happens now?

1284. We wait for the anchor chain to blow.

1285. When do we expect that to happen?

1286. - Shortly, I hope.

1287. And then we're free to take her.

1288. However, the real race begins once the fuel depot goes.

1289. Then we'll have every soldier on the island turning up.

1290. We don't wanna be around to witness that.

1291. How long was that fuse

1292. you attached to the anchor chain?

1293. We'll find out soon enough.

1294. Wait for it, you're gonna catch the rope.

1295. Come on.

1296. First domino falls.

1297. - Hitch up the other line. - Yes, boss.

1298. Pick up the slack.

1299. They need to move her before the fuel dump blows.

1300. Heron, we need Marjorie.

1301. Leave Marjorie to me.

1302. We'll catch you up.

1303. Very good.

1304. Let's go!

1305. I have to say, Fraulein,

1306. you were good.

1307. And you were sly.

1308. There are only two types of people

1309. that are as sly as the fox.

1310. The German

1311. and the Jew.

1312. And you are not German.

1313. I think now it's time...

1314. - ... for a real party.

1315. That wasn't supposed to happen yet.

1316. Shackle her!

1317. And follow me.

1318. The harbor is under attack!

1319. They're coming.

1320. We need power on the engine.

1321. - She's too heavy! - Pick up the slack!

1322. Wait...

1323. She's not moving!

1324. Fire! Fire! Fire!

1325. Wait for it.

1326. We need more power on the engine.

1327. Give me more power! More power!

1328. That's it, it's working!

1329. - That's it!

1330. Ready!

1331. - Haysey!

1332. We're out of range now.

1333. - I'm no expert.

1334. But you've got a big old hole in your shoulder, Haysey.

1335. Captain,

1336. would you explain to me what's going on here?

1337. The power is gone.

1338. The fuel depot has been sabotaged.

1339. And no one knows what's happening.

1340. But this is your fault.

1341. Where is my ship?

1342. The Duchessa, where did it go?

1343. Someone's taken him while you weren't looking.

1344. You idiot!

1345. You always have to say something

1346. at the very wrong time.

1347. There is never a right time with you!

1348. Your greed and perversion

1349. has distracted you from your duties.

1350. Now my harbor is destroyed.

1351. And my ship is gone!

1352. And now you're gone too. Thank you.

1353. Impressive.

1354. Sounds like your detonators worked.

1355. Chapeau, mademoiselle.

1356. You play well. You really are the vixen.

1357. Am I?

1358. Well, my hand's been revealed.

1359. So, what now?

1360. Now, I possess your hand

1361. and for everything you have done to me,

1362. I will visit a thousand fold upon you.

1363. Yeah.

1364. But no.

1365. - Lie down.

1366. Gus, we can't wait much longer.

1367. They're coming.

1368. If we stay here,

1369. we'll lose contact with the others.

1370. Hold fast, Billy.

1371. Heron has a way of surviving and Marjorie,

1372. well... good luck with that.

1373. That's a patrol boat coming towards us.

1374. - Gus, we need to leave. Now.

1375. Hold on...

1376. It's them.

1377. RH.

1378. - KB. - Marjorie.

1379. Overdressed and underdressed at the same time.

1380. Come on, let's get you out of those shackles.

1381. Come in, Violet.

1382. Calling H.M.S. Violet.

1383. Come in, Violet.

1384. This is Maid Honor.

1385. Go ahead, Maid Honor.

1386. - Loudspeaker.

1387. Sorry to bother you at this time of the night,

1388. but we've found ourselves with one or two items

1389. that might be of interest to you.

1390. Shall we rendezvous for a handover?

1391. Get me Admiral Pound.

1392. - Yes? Sir,

1393. - good news and bad news. - Yes, yes. Get to it.

1394. Bad news, they didn't sink her.

1395. Good news,

1396. they stole her.

1397. Congratulations, Prime Minister.

1398. Hold it there!

1399. Commander.

1400. You were ordered by Admiral Pound

1401. to cease activities.

1402. You did not.

1403. Therefore, you are to be returned to England

1404. to face a tribunal. You.

1405. Return to your tug with the rest of your militia.

1406. - Take them to the brig. - Sir!

1407. Good to see you too, Commander.

1408. Separate cells.

1409. Follow me!

1410. Let's go! Let's get moving!

1411. - RH. - KB.

1412. Come on.

1413. Go on, move.

1414. One moment, seaman.

1415. Billy.

1416. One eye on the boundary...

1417. One eye on the pub.

1418. They'll thank you for this one day.

1419. I'm not sure

1420. that's what we were really looking for, was it,

1421. Your Highness?

1422. Shop's open for you anytime, Major.

1423. Sorry to intrude, Prime Minister,

1424. but M thought you should see this.

1425. Thank you, Gloria.

1426. - Line up. Face front!

1427. Line up. Face front!

1428. No need to shout.

1429. Stand still!

1430. Any chance of a cup of tea?

1431. You, back up to the wall.

1432. Off the cloth, moth.

1433. Stand straight!

1434. Never before have the senior Military

1435. and Navy Commanders of this country

1436. been so united in their condemnation.

1437. It is their view

1438. that the discipline

1439. on which our armed forces depends

1440. has been undermined by men serving no master

1441. but their own thirst for blood, murder and mayhem.

1442. Men who disobeyed a direct order

1443. from the Admiral of the fleet himself,

1444. and chose instead

1445. to trust the whim and intuition

1446. of the man standing beside him.

1447. How dare they.

1448. When only this morning,

1449. the first American soldiers arrived on British soil,

1450. ready to stand shoulder to shoulder

1451. with us in Europe.

1452. Allies who risked death crossing the North Atlantic,

1453. and only by some miracle

1454. found their crossing untroubled by Nazi U-boats.

1455. A happy circumstance, I might add,

1456. which cannot be accounted for,

1457. but which has cleared the way for the United States

1458. to enter the European war.

1459. And for which I know

1460. President Roosevelt to be immeasurably grateful.

1461. But setting aside

1462. this stroke of unexplained fortune,

1463. what is to be done with this unruly company

1464. who do not obey orders?

1465. Who seem to have formed

1466. their own ministry of ungentlemanly warfare.

1467. From now on, they work for me.