1. In the bleak days
of 1983,Copy !req
2. as England languished in the
doldrums of a ruinous monetarist policy,Copy !req
3. the good, loyal men of the
Permanent Assurance Company,Copy !req
4. a once-proud family firm
recently fallen on hard times,Copy !req
5. strained under the yoke of their
oppressive new corporate management.Copy !req
6. Terrible.
Really terrible.Copy !req
7. Row!Copy !req
8. That's it, Evans.
You're fired.Copy !req
9. You heard me. Out.Copy !req
10. Did you hear that?
He's been sacked.Copy !req
11. Sacked?Copy !req
12. Sacked? Come on, boys.
Let's get at 'em.Copy !req
13. Hey!Copy !req
14. Come on! Come on!Copy !req
15. Let me out of here!Copy !req
16. I demand
to see my lawyer!Copy !req
17. Tooley! Come on.Copy !req
18. Quiet! Silence!Copy !req
19. Now, lads, let's move.Copy !req
20. You, you and you,
break open the weapons.Copy !req
21. You, you and you,
into the rigging.Copy !req
22. And you, put the kettle on.
Aye, sir.Copy !req
23. There, there, Charles.Copy !req
24. Sorry!Copy !req
25. Come on, Tooley.
This way!Copy !req
26. Weigh the anchor!Copy !req
27. Weigh the anchor!Copy !req
28. Weigh the anchor.Copy !req
29. And so, The
Crimson Permanent AssuranceCopy !req
30. was launched upon the high
seas of international finance.Copy !req
31. Come on, boy.
Watch it. Route. Route!Copy !req
32. Cup of tea, dear?
Hey, Captain!Copy !req
33. Look! To starboard!Copy !req
34. There it lay,
the prize they sought.Copy !req
35. Hard to starboard!Copy !req
36. A financial district
swollen with multinationals, conglomerates,Copy !req
37. and fat, bloated
merchant banks.Copy !req
38. All right, lads,
battle stations!Copy !req
39. Come on! Move
it! Move it! Move it!Copy !req
40. All right, then. That's
enough. Take cover.Copy !req
41. Down, down! Get down!Copy !req
42. Down, down.Copy !req
43. Hard to starboard!Copy !req
44. Fire!Copy !req
45. Eric! My balance sheets!Copy !req
46. Ross! Get the readouts!Copy !req
47. Stop him!
Eric!Copy !req
48. Thanks!
Charge!Copy !req
49. Come on! Grab it!Copy !req
50. No, no! Let me! Let me!
Okay, Kane.Copy !req
51. Cudgelled!Copy !req
52. GotchalCopy !req
53. You bastard!Copy !req
54. Take this.Copy !req
55. Here. File this.Copy !req
56. Shit!Copy !req
57. And so, heartened
by their initial success,Copy !req
58. the desperate and reasonably violent
men of The Permanent AssuranceCopy !req
59. battled on until,Copy !req
60. as the sun set
slowly in the west,Copy !req
61. the outstanding returns on
their bold business ventureCopy !req
62. became apparent.Copy !req
63. Once-proud financial giantsCopy !req
64. lay in ruins,Copy !req
65. their assets stripped,Copy !req
66. their policies in tatters.Copy !req
67. Full speed ahead,
Mr. Cohen!Copy !req
68. Up, up, up your
premium Up, up, up your premiumCopy !req
69. Scribble away
And balance the booksCopy !req
70. Scribble away
But balance the booksCopy !req
71. It's fun to charter
an accountantCopy !req
72. And sail the wide
accountancyCopy !req
73. To find,
explore the funds offshoreCopy !req
74. And skirt the shoals
of bankruptcyCopy !req
75. It can be manly in insuranceCopy !req
76. We'll up your premium
semiannuallyCopy !req
77. It's all tax-deductible
We're fairly incorruptibleCopy !req
78. Sailing on
the wide accountancyCopy !req
79. Sail away...
And so, they sailed offCopy !req
80. into the ledgers of history,Copy !req
81. one by one, the financial
capitals of the worldCopy !req
82. crumbling under the might
of their business acumen.Copy !req
83. Or so it would have been,Copy !req
84. if certain modern theories
concerning the shape of the worldCopy !req
85. had not proved
to be disastrously wrong.Copy !req
86. Morning.
Morning.Copy !req
87. Morning.
Morning.Copy !req
88. Morning.Copy !req
89. Morning.
Morning.Copy !req
90. Morning.
Morning.Copy !req
91. What's new?
Not much.Copy !req
92. Morning!
Good morning! Morning!Copy !req
93. Morning!
Morning!Copy !req
94. Frank was just asking
what's new. Was he?Copy !req
95. Yes.Copy !req
96. Hey, look.Copy !req
97. Howard's being eaten.
Is he?Copy !req
98. Makes you think,
doesn't it? Hmm.Copy !req
99. I mean, what's it all about?
Beats me.Copy !req
100. Why are we hereCopy !req
101. What's life all aboutCopy !req
102. Is God really realCopy !req
103. Or is there some doubtCopy !req
104. Well, tonight
we're going to sort it all outCopy !req
105. For tonight
it's The Meaning of LifeCopy !req
106. What's the point
of all this hoaxCopy !req
107. Is it the chicken
and the egg timeCopy !req
108. Are we just yolksCopy !req
109. Or perhaps we're just one
of God's little jokesCopy !req
110. Well, ca, c'est
le meaning of lifeCopy !req
111. Is life just a gameCopy !req
112. Where we make up the rulesCopy !req
113. While we're searching
for something to sayCopy !req
114. Or are we just
simply spiraling coilsCopy !req
115. Of self-replicating DNACopy !req
116. Nay, nay, nay, nay, nay, nay
Nay, nay, nay, nayCopy !req
117. What is life
What is our fateCopy !req
118. Is there heaven and hellCopy !req
119. Do we reincarnateCopy !req
120. Is mankind evolving
or is it too lateCopy !req
121. Well, tonight
here's The Meaning of LifeCopy !req
122. For millionsCopy !req
123. This life
is a sad vale of tearsCopy !req
124. Sitting round
with really nothing to sayCopy !req
125. While scientists sayCopy !req
126. We're just
simply spiraling coilsCopy !req
127. Of self-replicating DNACopy !req
128. Nay, nay, nay, nay, nay, nay
Nay, nay, nay, nayCopy !req
129. So just why
Why are we hereCopy !req
130. And just whatCopy !req
131. What, what, what do we fearCopy !req
132. Well, ce soir for a changeCopy !req
133. It will all be made clearCopy !req
134. For this is
The Meaning of LifeCopy !req
135. C'est le sens de la vieCopy !req
136. This is The Meaning of LifeCopy !req
137. Part one.
The miracle of birth.Copy !req
138. One thousand and eight!Copy !req
139. Mrs. Moore's contractions
are more frequent, Doctor.Copy !req
140. Good. Take her into
the fetus frightening room.Copy !req
141. Right.Copy !req
142. Jolly good.Copy !req
143. It's a bit bare in
here today, isn't it?Copy !req
144. Yes. Yes. More
apparatus, please, Nurse.Copy !req
145. The EEG, the BP monitor
and the AVV. Certainly, Doctor.Copy !req
146. And get the machine
that goes "ping."Copy !req
147. And get the most expensive machines
in case the administrator comes.Copy !req
148. That's it. Bring it in. Bring
it right here. Behind me.Copy !req
149. Lovely, lovely.
Jolly good. That's better.Copy !req
150. That's much, much better.
Yes, that's more like it.Copy !req
151. Still something
missing, though.Copy !req
152. Hmm?
Hmm.Copy !req
153. Patient.
Patient, yes.Copy !req
154. Where's the patient? Patient!
Anyone seen the patient?Copy !req
155. Here she is.
Bring it over here.Copy !req
156. Mind the machines!
Sorry, Doctor.Copy !req
157. Come along!Copy !req
158. Come along.
Jump on it.Copy !req
159. Hello. Now don't you worry.
We'll soon have you cured.Copy !req
160. Leave it all to us. You'll
never know what hit you.Copy !req
161. Goodbye.
Goodbye.Copy !req
162. Drips up.
Injections.Copy !req
163. Can I put the tube
in the baby's head?Copy !req
164. Only if I can
do the episiotomy.Copy !req
165. Okay.
Thank you.Copy !req
166. Legs up.Copy !req
167. Oh, come in. Come on in,
all of you. That's it. Jolly good.Copy !req
168. Come on. Come along.
Spread round there.Copy !req
169. Who are you?
I'm the husband.Copy !req
170. I'm sorry. Only people
involved are allowed in here.Copy !req
171. Yes?
What do I do?Copy !req
172. What do I do? Nothing,
dear. You're not qualified.Copy !req
173. Leave it to us.
What's that for?Copy !req
174. That's the machine
that goes "ping."Copy !req
175. You see? That means
your baby is still alive.Copy !req
176. And that's the most expensive
machine in the whole hospital.Copy !req
177. Yes, it cost over three-quarters
of a million pounds.Copy !req
178. Aren't you lucky?Copy !req
179. The administrator
is here, Doctor.Copy !req
180. Switch everything on.Copy !req
181. Morning, gentlemen.Copy !req
182. Morning. Morning, gentlemen.
Morning.Copy !req
183. Morning, Mr. Pycroft.
Mr. Pycroft.Copy !req
184. Oh, very impressive,
very impressive.Copy !req
185. And what are you doing
this morning? It's a birth.Copy !req
186. And what sort of thing
is that?Copy !req
187. Well, that's when we take a
new baby out of a lady's tummy.Copy !req
188. Wonderful
what we can do nowadays.Copy !req
189. I see you have the machine that
goes "ping." This is my favorite.Copy !req
190. You see, we lease this back
from the company we sold it to,Copy !req
191. and that way, it comes under the monthly
current budget and not the capital account.Copy !req
192. Thank you, thank you. We try
to do our best. Well, do carry on.Copy !req
193. Oh, the vulva's dilating,
Doctor. Oh, yes, there's the head.Copy !req
194. Yes, four centimeters,
five, six centimeters.Copy !req
195. Lights!
Amplify the ping machine.Copy !req
196. Masks up!
Suction!Copy !req
197. Eyes down
for a full house!Copy !req
198. Here it comes.Copy !req
199. And frighten it.Copy !req
200. Thank you.
And the rough towels!Copy !req
201. Show it to the mother.
That's enough.Copy !req
202. Right. Sedate her.
Number the child.Copy !req
203. Measure it, blood-type
it and isolate it.Copy !req
204. Okay, show's over.Copy !req
205. Is it a boy or a girl?Copy !req
206. I think it's a little early to start
imposing roles on it, don't you?Copy !req
207. Now, a word of advice. You may
find that you suffer for some time,Copy !req
208. a totally irrational feeling of
depression, PND, as we doctors call it.Copy !req
209. So, it's lots of
happy pills for you,Copy !req
210. and you can find out all about
the birth when you get home.Copy !req
211. It's available on Bet a Max,
VHS and Super 8.Copy !req
212. The miracle of
birth, part two. The third world.Copy !req
213. Oh, bloody hell.Copy !req
214. Oh, get it, would you,
Deidre? All right, Mum.Copy !req
215. Now whose teatime is it?
Mine!Copy !req
216. Come on.
Out you go.Copy !req
217. Now, Vincent, Tessa,
Valerie, Janine,Copy !req
218. Martha, Andrew, Thomas,
Walter, Pat, Linda,Copy !req
219. Michael, Evadne, Alice, Dominique
and Sasha, it's your bedtime.Copy !req
220. Now don't argue!Copy !req
221. Laura, Alfred, Nigel,
Annie, Simon, Amanda...Copy !req
222. Wait. I've got something
to tell the whole family.Copy !req
223. Oh, quick. Go and get
the others in, Gordon.Copy !req
224. The mill's closed.
There's no more work.Copy !req
225. We're destitute.Copy !req
226. Come in, my little loves. I've
got no option but to sell you allCopy !req
227. for scientific experiments.Copy !req
228. No, no, that's the way it is,
my loves.Copy !req
229. Blame the Catholic ChurchCopy !req
230. for not letting me wear one
of those little rubber things.Copy !req
231. Oh, they've done some
wonderful things in their time.Copy !req
232. They've preserved the might and majesty,
even mystery of the Church of Rome,Copy !req
233. and the sanctity of the sacrament,
the indivisible oneness of the Trinity,Copy !req
234. but if they'd let me wear one
of those little rubber thingsCopy !req
235. on the end of my cock,Copy !req
236. we wouldn't be in the mess
we are now.Copy !req
237. Couldn't Mummy have worn
some sort of pessary?Copy !req
238. Not if we're going
to remain membersCopy !req
239. of the fastest-growing
religion in the world, my boy.Copy !req
240. He's right.
You see, we believe...Copy !req
241. Well, let me put it like this.Copy !req
242. There are Jews in the worldCopy !req
243. There are BuddhistsCopy !req
244. There are Hindus
and Mormons and thenCopy !req
245. There are those
that follow MohammedCopy !req
246. But I've never been
one of themCopy !req
247. I'm a Roman CatholicCopy !req
248. And have been since
before I was bornCopy !req
249. And the one thing
they say about CatholicsCopy !req
250. Is they'll take you
as soon as you're warmCopy !req
251. You don't have
to be a six-footerCopy !req
252. You don't have to
have a great brainCopy !req
253. You don't have to
have any clothes onCopy !req
254. You're a Catholic
the moment Dad cameCopy !req
255. BecauseCopy !req
256. Every sperm is sacredCopy !req
257. Every sperm is greatCopy !req
258. If a sperm is wastedCopy !req
259. God gets quite irateCopy !req
260. Every sperm is sacredCopy !req
261. Every sperm is greatCopy !req
262. If a sperm is wastedCopy !req
263. God gets quite irateCopy !req
264. Let the heathens spill theirsCopy !req
265. On the dusty groundCopy !req
266. God shall make them payCopy !req
267. For each sperm
that can't be foundCopy !req
268. Every sperm is wantedCopy !req
269. Every sperm is goodCopy !req
270. Every sperm is neededCopy !req
271. In your neighborhoodCopy !req
272. Hindu, Taoist, MormonCopy !req
273. Spill theirs just anywhereCopy !req
274. But God loves those who treatCopy !req
275. Their semen with more careCopy !req
276. Every sperm is sacredCopy !req
277. Every sperm is greatCopy !req
278. If a sperm is wastedCopy !req
279. God gets quite irateCopy !req
280. Every sperm is sacredCopy !req
281. Every sperm is good
Every sperm is goodCopy !req
282. Every sperm is neededCopy !req
283. In your neighborhoodCopy !req
284. Every sperm is usefulCopy !req
285. Every sperm is fineCopy !req
286. God needs everybody'sCopy !req
287. Mine
And mineCopy !req
288. And mineCopy !req
289. Let the pagans spill theirsCopy !req
290. O'er mountain, hill and plainCopy !req
291. God shall strike them downCopy !req
292. For each sperm
that's spilt in vainCopy !req
293. Every sperm is sacredCopy !req
294. Every sperm is goodCopy !req
295. Every sperm is neededCopy !req
296. In your neighborhoodCopy !req
297. Every sperm is sacredCopy !req
298. Every sperm is greatCopy !req
299. If a sperm is wastedCopy !req
300. God getsCopy !req
301. Quite irateCopy !req
302. So you see my problem,
little ones.Copy !req
303. I can't keep you all here
any longer.Copy !req
304. Speak up!Copy !req
305. I can't keep you all here
any longer!Copy !req
306. God has blessed us so much I
can't afford to feed you anymore.Copy !req
307. Couldn't you have
your balls cut off?Copy !req
308. It's not as simple as
that, Nigel. God knows all.Copy !req
309. He'd see through
such a cheap trick.Copy !req
310. What we do to ourselves,
we do to Him.Copy !req
311. You could have had them
pulled off in an accident.Copy !req
312. No. Children, I know
you're trying to help,Copy !req
313. but believe me,
me mind's made up.Copy !req
314. I've given this long
and careful thought,Copy !req
315. and it has to be medical
experiments for the lot of you.Copy !req
316. Every sperm is sacredCopy !req
317. Every sperm is greatCopy !req
318. Look at them. Bloody Catholics.
Filling the bloody world upCopy !req
319. with bloody people they
can't afford to bloody feed.Copy !req
320. What are we, dear? Protestant,
and fiercely proud of it.Copy !req
321. Well, why do they have
SO many children?Copy !req
322. Because every time they have sexual
intercourse, they have to have a baby.Copy !req
323. But it's the same with us,
Harry. What do you mean?Copy !req
324. Well, I mean
we've got two children,Copy !req
325. and we've had
sexual intercourse twice.Copy !req
326. That's not the point. We could
have it any time we wanted.Copy !req
327. Really?
Oh, yes. And what's more,Copy !req
328. because we don't believe
in all that Papist claptrap,Copy !req
329. we can take precautions.Copy !req
330. What, you mean
lock the door?Copy !req
331. No, no. I mean because we are members
of the Protestant Reformed Church,Copy !req
332. which successfully challenged
the autocratic powerCopy !req
333. of the Papacy
in the mid-sixteenth century,Copy !req
334. we can wear little rubber
devices to prevent issue.Copy !req
335. What do you mean?Copy !req
336. I could, if I wanted, have
sexual intercourse with you.Copy !req
337. Oh, yes, Harry.Copy !req
338. And by wearing a rubber sheath
over my old fellow,Copy !req
339. I could ensure that when I came
off, you would not be impregnated.Copy !req
340. Ooh! That's what being
a Protestant's all about.Copy !req
341. That's why
it's the church for me.Copy !req
342. That's why
it's the church for anyoneCopy !req
343. who respects the individual
and the individual's rightCopy !req
344. to decide for him
or herself.Copy !req
345. When Martin Luther nailed his
protest up to the church door in 1517,Copy !req
346. he may not have realized the full
significance of what he was doingCopy !req
347. but 400 years later,
thanks to him, my dear,Copy !req
348. I can wear whatever I want
on my John Thomas.Copy !req
349. And Protestantism doesn't stop
at the simple condom. Oh, no!Copy !req
350. I can wear French
Ticklers if I want. You what?Copy !req
351. French Ticklers, Black
Mambos, Crocodile Ribs...Copy !req
352. Sheaths that are designed
not only to protect,Copy !req
353. but also to enhance the
stimulation of sexual congress.Copy !req
354. Have you got one?
Have I got one? Well, no,Copy !req
355. but I can go down the road
anytime I want and walk into Harry'sCopy !req
356. and hold my head up high
and say, in a loud, steady voice,Copy !req
357. "Harry, I want you
to sell me a condom.Copy !req
358. "In fact, today I think I'll have a
French Tickler, for I am a Protestant.”Copy !req
359. Well, why don't you?
But they, they cannot,Copy !req
360. because their church never made
the great leap out of the Middle AgesCopy !req
361. and the domination
of alien Episcopal supremacy.Copy !req
362. But despite
the attempts of ProtestantsCopy !req
363. to promote the idea
of sex for pleasure,Copy !req
364. children continue
to multiply everywhere.Copy !req
365. The Meaning of
Life, part two. Growth and learning.Copy !req
366. And spotteth twice
they the camels before the third hour.Copy !req
367. And so the Midianites
went forth to Ram Gilead,Copy !req
368. in Kadesh Bilgemath,Copy !req
369. by Shor Ethra Regalion,Copy !req
370. to the house of
Gash-Bil-Bethuel-Bazda,Copy !req
371. he who brought the butter dish
to Balshazar,Copy !req
372. and the tent peg
to the house of Rashomon,Copy !req
373. and there,
slew they the goats,Copy !req
374. yea, and placed they
the bits in little pots.Copy !req
375. Here endeth the lesson.Copy !req
376. Let us praise God.Copy !req
377. O Lord.
O Lord.Copy !req
378. Ooh! You are so big.Copy !req
379. Ooh! You are so big.Copy !req
380. So absolutely huge.Copy !req
381. So absolutely huge.Copy !req
382. Gosh, we're all really impressed
down here, I can tell You.Copy !req
383. Gosh, we're all really impressed
down here, I can tell you.Copy !req
384. Forgive us, O Lord, for this,
our dreadful toadying.Copy !req
385. And barefaced flattery.Copy !req
386. But you're so strong,Copy !req
387. and, well, just so super.Copy !req
388. Fantastic.Copy !req
389. Amen, Reverend.
Amen.Copy !req
390. Now two boys have been found
rubbing linseed oilCopy !req
391. into the school cormorant.Copy !req
392. Now some of you may feel that the
cormorant does not play an important partCopy !req
393. in the life of the school,
but I would remind youCopy !req
394. that it was presented to us by the
corporation of the town of Sudbury,Copy !req
395. to commemorate Empire Day,
when we try to rememberCopy !req
396. the names of all those
from the Sudbury area,Copy !req
397. who so gallantly
gave their livesCopy !req
398. to keep China British.Copy !req
399. So from now on, the cormorant
is strictly out of bounds!Copy !req
400. Oh, and, Jenkins,Copy !req
401. apparently, your
mother died this morning.Copy !req
402. Chaplain.Copy !req
403. O Lord, please don't burn usCopy !req
404. Don't grill or toast
Your flockCopy !req
405. Don't put us on the barbecueCopy !req
406. Or simmer us in stockCopy !req
407. Don't braise
or bake or boil usCopy !req
408. Or stir-fry us in a wokCopy !req
409. Oh, please don't
lightly poach usCopy !req
410. Or baste us with hot fatCopy !req
411. Don't fricassee or roast usCopy !req
412. Or boil us in a vatCopy !req
413. And please don't
stick thy servants, LordCopy !req
414. In a RotissomatCopy !req
415. He's coming!Copy !req
416. All right, settle down,
settle down.Copy !req
417. Now, before I begin the
lesson, will those of youCopy !req
418. who are playing in the match this
afternoon move your clothes downCopy !req
419. onto the lower peg
immediately after lunch,Copy !req
420. before you write
your letter home,Copy !req
421. if you're not getting your hair cut,
unless you've got a younger brother,Copy !req
422. who's going out this weekend as the
guest of another boy, in which case,Copy !req
423. collect his note before lunch,Copy !req
424. put it in your letter after
you have had your haircut,Copy !req
425. and make sure he moves your
clothes down onto the lower peg for you.Copy !req
426. Now...
Sir?Copy !req
427. Yes, Wymer?Copy !req
428. My younger brother's going
out with Dibble this weekend, sir.Copy !req
429. But I'm not having my hair cut
today, so do I move my clothes...Copy !req
430. I do wish you'd listen, Wymer.
It's perfectly simple.Copy !req
431. If you're not
getting your hair cut,Copy !req
432. you don't have to move your
brother's clothes down to the lower peg.Copy !req
433. You simply collect his note
before lunch,Copy !req
434. after you've done
your scripture prep,Copy !req
435. when you've written
your letter home before rest,Copy !req
436. move your own clothes
onto the lower peg,Copy !req
437. greet the visitors
and report to Mr. VineyCopy !req
438. that you've had
your chit signed.Copy !req
439. Now, sex.Copy !req
440. Sex, sex, sex.
Where were we?Copy !req
441. Well, had I got as far asCopy !req
442. the penis entering the vagina?Copy !req
443. No, sir.
No, sir. No, sir.Copy !req
444. Well, had I done foreplay?Copy !req
445. Yes, sir.Copy !req
446. Ah. Well, as we all know
all about foreplay,Copy !req
447. no doubt you can tell me
what the purpose of foreplay is.Copy !req
448. Biggs.Copy !req
449. Don't know.
Sorry, sir.Copy !req
450. Carter?Copy !req
451. Oh, was it taking
your clothes off, sir?Copy !req
452. Well, and after that?Copy !req
453. Oh, putting them
on a lower peg, sir.Copy !req
454. The purpose of foreplay is to
cause the vagina to lubricate,Copy !req
455. so that the penis
can penetrate more easily.Copy !req
456. Could we have a window open,
please, sir?Copy !req
457. Yes. Harris, will you?Copy !req
458. And, of course, to cause
the man's penis to erectCopy !req
459. and harden.Copy !req
460. Now, did I do
vaginal juices last week?Copy !req
461. Oh, do pay attention,
Wadsworth!Copy !req
462. I know it's Friday. Watching
the football, are you?Copy !req
463. Boy, move over there.
I'm warning you.Copy !req
464. I may decide
to set an exam this term.Copy !req
465. Oh, sirl!
Sir!Copy !req
466. So just listen.Copy !req
467. Now did I or did I notCopy !req
468. do vaginal juices?Copy !req
469. Yes, sir.Copy !req
470. Name two ways of getting them
flowing, Watson.Copy !req
471. Rubbing the clitoris, sir?Copy !req
472. What's wrong
with a kiss, boy? Hmm?Copy !req
473. Why not start her off
with a nice kiss?Copy !req
474. You don't
have to go leapingCopy !req
475. straight for the clitoris
like a bull at a gate.Copy !req
476. Give her a kiss, boy.Copy !req
477. Suck the nipple, sir?
Good, good. Well done, Wymer.Copy !req
478. Stroking the thighs, sir?
Yes, yes.Copy !req
479. I suppose so.
Biting the neck.Copy !req
480. Yes, good.
Nibbling the earlobe,Copy !req
481. kneading the buttocks
and so on and so forth.Copy !req
482. So we have
all these possibilities,Copy !req
483. before we stampede
towards the clitoris, Watson.Copy !req
484. Yes, sir. Sorry, sir.Copy !req
485. Now, all these forms
of stimulationCopy !req
486. can now take place.Copy !req
487. And, of course, tonguing
will give you the best ideaCopy !req
488. of how the juices
are coming along.Copy !req
489. Helen?
Now, penetration and coitus,Copy !req
490. that is to say intercourse
up to and including orgasm.Copy !req
491. Ah, hello, dear. Do stand up when
my wife enters the room, Carter.Copy !req
492. Oh, sorry, sir. Sorry.Copy !req
493. Humphrey, I hope
you don't mind.Copy !req
494. I told the Garfields we
would dine with them tonight.Copy !req
495. Yes, yes, well,
I suppose we must.Copy !req
496. I said we'd be
there by 8:00.Copy !req
497. At least it'll give me a reason
to wind up the staff meeting.Copy !req
498. I know you don't like them, but
I couldn't make another excuse.Copy !req
499. It's just that I felt...Copy !req
500. Wymer, this is
for your benefit.Copy !req
501. Would you kindly
wake up?Copy !req
502. I've no intention of going
through this all again.Copy !req
503. We'll take the foreplay as
read, if you don't mind, dear.Copy !req
504. No, of course not,
Humphrey.Copy !req
505. So, the man starts by entering
or mounting his good lady wife,Copy !req
506. in the standard way.Copy !req
507. The penis is now, as you will
observe, more or less fully erect.Copy !req
508. There we are,
that's better.Copy !req
509. Now, Carter.Copy !req
510. Yes, sir?
What is it?Copy !req
511. It's an ocarina, sir.
Bring it up here.Copy !req
512. The man now starts making thrusting
movements with his pelvic area,Copy !req
513. moving the penis up and down
inside the vagina.Copy !req
514. Put it there, boy.
Put it there on the table.Copy !req
515. While the wife maximizes her clitoral
stimulation by the shaft of the penis,Copy !req
516. by pushing forward.Copy !req
517. Thank you, dear.Copy !req
518. What's funny, Biggs?Copy !req
519. Oh, nothing, sir.Copy !req
520. Do, please, share your
little joke with the rest of us.Copy !req
521. I mean, obviously, something
frightfully funny's going on.Copy !req
522. No, honestly, sir.Copy !req
523. Well, as it's so funny,Copy !req
524. I think you'd better be selected
to play for the boys' team,Copy !req
525. in the rugby match against
the masters this afternoon.Copy !req
526. Oh, no, sir!Copy !req
527. Come on, Buster!Copy !req
528. Well played, well played.Copy !req
529. The Meaning of
Life, part three. Fighting each other.Copy !req
530. Okay, Blackitt, Sturridge and Walters,
you take the buggers on the left flank.Copy !req
531. Hordern, Spadger and I
will go for the gun post.Copy !req
532. Hang on, 68.Copy !req
533. You'll never make it, let us come
with you. Do as you're told, man.Copy !req
534. Righto, Skipper.
Oh, sir, sir?Copy !req
535. If
we don't meet again, sir.Copy !req
536. I'd just like to say it's been a real
privilege fighting alongside you, sir.Copy !req
537. Yes, well, this is hardly the time
or place for a goodbye speech, eh?Copy !req
538. Me and the lads realize that, sir, but,
well, we may never meet again, so...Copy !req
539. Yes, all right, Blackitt.
Thanks a lot.Copy !req
540. No, just a moment, sir.Copy !req
541. Me and the lads, we've
had a little whip-around, sir.Copy !req
542. We've bought you something,
sir. We bought you this, sir.Copy !req
543. Oh! Well, it...
I don't know what to say.Copy !req
544. It's a lovely thought.
Thank you. Thank you all.Copy !req
545. But I think
we'd better get to cover...Copy !req
546. We've got something else
for you as well, sir.Copy !req
547. Sorry it's another clock, sir,
only there was a bit of a mix-up.Copy !req
548. Walters thought
he was buying a presentCopy !req
549. and Spadger and I had
already got the other one.Copy !req
550. Well, it's beautiful,
they're both beautiful.Copy !req
551. I think we'd better
get to cover now.Copy !req
552. I'll thank you properly
later on.Copy !req
553. Corporal Sturridge got this
for you as well, sir.Copy !req
554. He didn't know
about the others.Copy !req
555. It's Swiss. Well, now,
that is thoughtful, Sturridge.Copy !req
556. Good man.
And there's a card, sir.Copy !req
557. From all of us,
sorry about the blood, sir.Copy !req
558. Thank you all.Copy !req
559. Squad! Three cheers
for Captain Biggs.Copy !req
560. Hip, hip.
Hooray!Copy !req
561. Hip, hip.
Hooray!Copy !req
562. Hip, hip...Copy !req
563. Blackitt! Blackitt!Copy !req
564. I'll be all right, sir. There's
just one other thing, sir.Copy !req
565. Spadger, give him
the check. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
566. Oh, no, this is
really going too far.Copy !req
567. I don't seem to be able to find
it, sir, be in number four trench.Copy !req
568. For Christ's sake,
forget it, man.Copy !req
569. You shouldn't
have said that, sir.Copy !req
570. You've hurt his feelings, now.Copy !req
571. Don't mind me, Spadge.Copy !req
572. Toffs is all the same. One
minute, it's all please and thank you.Copy !req
573. The next, they'll kick
you in the teeth. Yeah.Copy !req
574. Let's not give him the cake.
I don't want any cake.Copy !req
575. Look, Blackitt cooked it
especially for you, you bastard.Copy !req
576. Yeah, he saved his rations
for six weeks, sir.Copy !req
577. I don't mean
to be ungrateful.Copy !req
578. I'll be all right...Copy !req
579. Blackie! Blackie!Copy !req
580. Look at him! He worked on that
cake like no one else I've ever known.Copy !req
581. Some nights it was so cold
we could hardly moveCopy !req
582. but Blackitt
would be out there,Copy !req
583. slicing the lemons,
mixing the sugar and almonds.Copy !req
584. I mean, you try getting butter to
melt at 15 degrees below zero.Copy !req
585. There's love in that cake, this
man's love and this man's care and...Copy !req
586. Oh, my Christ!
You bastard.Copy !req
587. All right, we will eat
the cake. They're right.Copy !req
588. It's too good a cake
not to eat.Copy !req
589. Get the plates
and knives, Walters.Copy !req
590. Yes, sir.
How many plates?Copy !req
591. Six.Copy !req
592. Oh, better make it five.
Tablecloth, sir?Copy !req
593. Yes, get the tablecloth.Copy !req
594. No, no,
I'll get the tablecloth.Copy !req
595. You better get
the gate leg table, Hordern.Copy !req
596. And the little lamp, sir?
Yes.Copy !req
597. Oh, and while you're at it,
you'd better get a doily.Copy !req
598. I'll bring two, sir,
in case one gets crumpled.Copy !req
599. Okay!Copy !req
600. But, of course, warfare
isn't all fun. Right. Stop that.Copy !req
601. It's all very well
to laugh at the military,Copy !req
602. but when one considers
the meaning of life,Copy !req
603. it is a struggle between
alternative viewpoints of life itself.Copy !req
604. Without the ability to
defend one's own viewpoint,Copy !req
605. against other perhaps
more aggressive ideologies,Copy !req
606. then reasonableness and moderation
could quite simply disappear.Copy !req
607. That is why we'll
always need an army.Copy !req
608. May God strike me down
were it to be otherwise.Copy !req
609. Don't stand there gawping,Copy !req
610. like you've never seen
the hand of God before!Copy !req
611. Now, today we're going to do
marching up and down the square.Copy !req
612. That is, unless any of you
got anything better to do.Copy !req
613. Well?Copy !req
614. Anyone got anything
they'd rather be doing,Copy !req
615. than marching up and down
the square?Copy !req
616. Yes! Atkinson.Copy !req
617. What would you
rather be doing, Atkinson?Copy !req
618. Well, to be quite honest, Sarge, I'd
rather be home with the wife and kids.Copy !req
619. Would you now?Copy !req
620. Yes, Sarge.
Right. Off you go.Copy !req
621. Now,Copy !req
622. everybody else happy
with my little plan,Copy !req
623. of marching up and down
the square a bit?Copy !req
624. Sarge?
Yes?Copy !req
625. I've got a book
I'd quite like to read.Copy !req
626. Go read your book then.Copy !req
627. Now!Copy !req
628. Everybody else
quite content to join inCopy !req
629. with my little scheme
of marchingCopy !req
630. up and down the square?Copy !req
631. Sarge?Copy !req
632. Yes, Wyclif,
what is it?Copy !req
633. Well, I'm learning the piano.Copy !req
634. Learning the piano?Copy !req
635. Yes, Sarge.
And I supposeCopy !req
636. you want to go practice, eh?Copy !req
637. Marching up and down the
square not good enough for you, eh?Copy !req
638. Well...
Right! Off you go!Copy !req
639. Now, what about
the rest of you?Copy !req
640. Rather be at the pictures,
I suppose.Copy !req
641. All right! Off you go!Copy !req
642. Bloody army. I don't know
what it's coming to.Copy !req
643. Right. Sergeant Major
marching up and down the square.Copy !req
644. Left, right, left.Copy !req
645. Democracy and humanitarianismCopy !req
646. have always been trademarks
of the British Army.Copy !req
647. Rubbish!
Shh!Copy !req
648. And have stamped its triumph in the
furthest-flung corners of the Empire.Copy !req
649. But no matter where or when
there was fighting to be done,Copy !req
650. it has always been the calm
leadership of the officer classCopy !req
651. that has made the British Army
what it is.Copy !req
652. Excuse me.Copy !req
653. Morning, Ainsworth.
Morning, Pakenham.Copy !req
654. Sleep well? Not bad.
Bitten to shreds, though.Copy !req
655. Must be that hole in
the bloody mosquito net.Copy !req
656. Yes, savage little blighters,
aren't they?Copy !req
657. Excuse me, sir.
Yes, Chadwick?Copy !req
658. I'm afraid Perkins got rather
badly bitten during the night.Copy !req
659. Well, so did we.Copy !req
660. Yes, but I do think
Doctor ought to see him.Copy !req
661. Well, go and fetch him then.
Right you are, sir.Copy !req
662. Suppose I'd better go along.
Coming, Pakenham?Copy !req
663. Yes, I suppose so.Copy !req
664. Here, now.
Come on, boy.Copy !req
665. Morning, Perkins.Copy !req
666. Morning, sir. What's
all the trouble, then?Copy !req
667. Bitten, sir.
During the night.Copy !req
668. Oh?Copy !req
669. The whole leg gone, eh?
Yes.Copy !req
670. How's it feel?Copy !req
671. Stings a bit. Well,
it would, wouldn't it?Copy !req
672. That's quite a bite
you've got there.Copy !req
673. Yes. A real beauty,
isn't it?Copy !req
674. Any idea how
it happened?Copy !req
675. None whatsoever.
Complete mystery to me.Copy !req
676. Woke up just now,
one sock too many.Copy !req
677. You must have a hell
of a hole in your net.Copy !req
678. We've sent
for the doctor.Copy !req
679. Hardly worth it, is it?
Yes. Better safe than sorry.Copy !req
680. Yes. Good Lord, look at this.
By Jove! That's enormous.Copy !req
681. You don't think
it'll come back, do you?Copy !req
682. For more, you mean?Copy !req
683. You're right. We'd
better get this stitched.Copy !req
684. Right.
Hello, Doc!Copy !req
685. Morning. I came as fast
as I could. Is something up?Copy !req
686. Yes. During the night, old
Perkins got his leg bitten sort of off.Copy !req
687. Oh, yeah.
Been in the wars, have we?Copy !req
688. Yes.Copy !req
689. Any headache?
Bowels all right?Copy !req
690. Well, let's have a look at
this one leg of yours, then, eh?Copy !req
691. Yes. Yes, yes, yes.Copy !req
692. Yes, yes. Yes, yes. Yes, well,
this is nothing to worry about.Copy !req
693. Oh, good. There's a lot of
it about. Probably a virus.Copy !req
694. Keep warm, plenty of rest and if
you're playing football or anything,Copy !req
695. try and favor
the other leg.Copy !req
696. Oh, righto.Copy !req
697. As right as rain
in a couple of days.Copy !req
698. Oh. Thanks for
the reassurance, Doc.Copy !req
699. Not at all.
That's what I'm here for.Copy !req
700. Any other problems
I can reassure you about?Copy !req
701. No, I'm fine.Copy !req
702. Jolly good.
Well, must be off.Copy !req
703. So it'll just grow back again,
then, will it?Copy !req
704. Uh...Copy !req
705. I think I'd better come
clean with you about this.Copy !req
706. It's not a virus,
I'm afraid.Copy !req
707. You see, a virus is what we
doctors call very, very small,Copy !req
708. so small it could not possibly
have made off with a whole leg.Copy !req
709. What we're looking for, and this is
no more than an educated guess,Copy !req
710. I'd like to make that clear,Copy !req
711. IS some
Mmulti-cellular life-formCopy !req
712. with stripes, huge, razor-sharp
teeth, about 11-foot longCopy !req
713. and of the genus
Felts Horribilis.Copy !req
714. What we doctors,
in fact, call a tiger.Copy !req
715. A tiger?Copy !req
716. A tiger?Copy !req
717. A tiger in Africa?
Hmm?Copy !req
718. A tiger in Africa!Copy !req
719. Ah, well, it's probably
escaped from a zoo.Copy !req
720. Doesn't sound
very likely to me.Copy !req
721. Mmm-mmm-mmm.
Sir! Sir!Copy !req
722. The attack's over, sir.
The Zulus are retreating.Copy !req
723. Oh, jolly good.Copy !req
724. Quite a lot of
casualties, sir.Copy !req
725. C-division wiped out.
Signals gone.Copy !req
726. Thirty men killed in
F-section. Yes, I see.Copy !req
727. I should think about
150 men altogether, sir.Copy !req
728. Jolly good.Copy !req
729. I haven't got
the final figures,Copy !req
730. but there's a lot of seriously
wounded in the compound...Copy !req
731. Yes, well, the thing is, Sergeant,
I've got a bit of a problem here.Copy !req
732. One of the officers
has lost a leg.Copy !req
733. Oh, no, sir!
I'm afraid so.Copy !req
734. Probably a tiger.
In Africa?Copy !req
735. The MO says we can stitch it
back on if we can find it immediately.Copy !req
736. Right, sir.
I'll organize a party.Copy !req
737. It's hardly the time
for that, Sergeant.Copy !req
738. A search party.
Much better idea.Copy !req
739. Sorry about the mess, sir.Copy !req
740. We'll try and get it cleared
up by the time you get back.Copy !req
741. We showed 'em,
didn't we, sir? Yes.Copy !req
742. Here. We got a search party.
Leave that alone.Copy !req
743. All this killing, bloodshed.
Bloody good fun, sir, isn't it?Copy !req
744. Yes, very good.Copy !req
745. Morning, sir.Copy !req
746. Nasty wound
you've got there, fella.Copy !req
747. Thank you very much, sir.Copy !req
748. Come on, Private.
Making up a search party.Copy !req
749. Better than staying home,
isn't it?Copy !req
750. I mean, at home if you kill
someone, they arrest you.Copy !req
751. Here, they give you a gun
and show you what to do, sir.Copy !req
752. I mean, I killed 15 of those
buggers, sir. At home, they'd hang me.Copy !req
753. Here, they'll give me
a fucking medal, sir.Copy !req
754. Sorry, sir.
Thank you, Sergeant Major.Copy !req
755. Look!Copy !req
756. My God! It's huge!Copy !req
757. Don't shoot. Don't
shoot. We're not a tiger.Copy !req
758. We were just...Copy !req
759. Why are you dressed
as a tiger?Copy !req
760. Oh, why, why, why?Copy !req
761. Isn't it a lovely
day today?Copy !req
762. Answer the question.
Oh, we were just...Copy !req
763. Well, actually, we're
dressed like this because...Copy !req
764. Oh, no, that's not it.Copy !req
765. Oh, we did it for a laugh.
Part of a spree. High spirits.Copy !req
766. Simple as that.
Nothing more to it.Copy !req
767. Well, actually, we're on a
mission for British Intelligence.Copy !req
768. There's a pro-czarist
Asante chief...Copy !req
769. No, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no.Copy !req
770. No, no, no, no. We're
doing it for an advertisement.Copy !req
771. Ah, that's it.
Forget about the Russians.Copy !req
772. We're doing an advert
for Tiger Brand Coffee.Copy !req
773. "Tiger Brand Coffee
is a real treat.Copy !req
774. "Even tigers prefer
a cup of it to real meat."Copy !req
775. Now, look...
All right, all right.Copy !req
776. We are dressed as a tiger because
he had an auntie who did it in 1839.Copy !req
777. This is the 50th anniversary.
No. We're doing it for a bet.Copy !req
778. God told us to do it.Copy !req
779. To tell the truth,
we are completely mad.Copy !req
780. We're inmates of a Bengali
psychiatric institution,Copy !req
781. and we escaped by making this
skin out of old used cereal packets.Copy !req
782. It doesn't matter!
What?Copy !req
783. It doesn't matter why they're dressed
as a tiger. Have they got my leg?Copy !req
784. Good thinking.
Well, have you?Copy !req
785. Actually...
Yes?Copy !req
786. We were thinking of
training as taxidermists.Copy !req
787. We wanted to get the feel of it
from the animal's point of view.Copy !req
788. Be quiet!Copy !req
789. Now look,
we're just asking youCopy !req
790. if you've got
this man's leg.Copy !req
791. A wooden leg?
No, no, a proper leg.Copy !req
792. He was fast asleep, and someone
or something came in and removed it.Copy !req
793. Without waking him up?Copy !req
794. Yes.
I don't believe you.Copy !req
795. We found the tiger skin
in a bicycle shop in Cairo.Copy !req
796. The owner wanted it
taken to Dar Es Salaam.Copy !req
797. Shut up!Copy !req
798. Now look, have you or
have you not got his leg?Copy !req
799. Yes. No. No, no, no, no.
No. No, no, no.Copy !req
800. Why did you say yes?
I didn't.Copy !req
801. I'm not talking to you.Copy !req
802. Um...Copy !req
803. Um...Copy !req
804. Right. Search the thicket.Copy !req
805. Oh, come on.
I mean, do we look likeCopy !req
806. the sort of chaps who'd
creep into a camp at night,Copy !req
807. steal into someone's tent,
anaesthetize them, tissue-type them,Copy !req
808. amputate a leg
and run away with it?Copy !req
809. Search the thicket.Copy !req
810. Oh, leg!
You're looking for a leg!Copy !req
811. Actually, I think there
is one there somewhere.Copy !req
812. Somebody must have
abandoned it here,Copy !req
813. knowing you were
coming after it.Copy !req
814. We stumbled across it, actually,
and wondered what it was.Copy !req
815. They'll be miles away
by now.Copy !req
816. We'll have to take
all the blame.Copy !req
817. Hello, good evening and
welcome to The Middle of the Film.Copy !req
818. Hello and welcome
to The Middle of the Film,Copy !req
819. the moment where we take a
break and invite you, the audience,Copy !req
820. to join us, the filmmakers,
in Find the Fish.Copy !req
821. We're going to show you
a scene from another filmCopy !req
822. and ask you to guess
where the fish is.Copy !req
823. But if you think you know,
don't keep it to yourselves.Copy !req
824. Yell out so that all the
cinema can hear you.Copy !req
825. So here we are
with Find the Fish.Copy !req
826. I wonder
where that fish has gone.Copy !req
827. You did love it so.Copy !req
828. You looked after it
like a son.Copy !req
829. And it went
wherever I did go.Copy !req
830. Is it in the cupboard?
Yes! No!Copy !req
831. Wouldn't you like to know?
It was a lovely little fish.Copy !req
832. And it went
wherever I did go.Copy !req
833. It's behind the sofal
Where can that fish be?Copy !req
834. Have you thought
of the drawers in the bureau?Copy !req
835. It is a most
elusive fish.Copy !req
836. And it went
wherever I did go.Copy !req
837. Oh! Fishy, fishy,
fishy, fish.Copy !req
838. Fish, fish, fishy, oh!Copy !req
839. Oh! Fishy, fishy,
fishy, fish!Copy !req
840. That went
wherever I did go.Copy !req
841. Look up his trunk!
Yeah! It's in his trousers!Copy !req
842. That was terrific!
Great! Yeah!Copy !req
843. Best bit so far.
Fantastic! Really great!Copy !req
844. Really risky, yeah.Copy !req
845. They haven't said much about
the meaning of life so far, have they?Copy !req
846. Well, it's been
building up to it. Has it?Copy !req
847. Yeah, I expect
they'll get onto it now.Copy !req
848. Personally, I doubtCopy !req
849. they're going to say anything
about the meaning of life at all.Copy !req
850. Oh, come on.
They've gotta say something.Copy !req
851. They're bound to.Copy !req
852. Yeah.Copy !req
853. What do you think
the next bit will be?Copy !req
854. Caption, I expect.Copy !req
855. What, about the next stage of life,
you mean? Oh, yeah. Here we go.Copy !req
856. Middle Age.Copy !req
857. Could've guessed it.Copy !req
858. That's much better.
Thank you, honey.Copy !req
859. You're welcome.Copy !req
860. It was all sort of
misty before.Copy !req
861. That's fine.
Hey! How are you?Copy !req
862. Oh, we're just fine.Copy !req
863. What kind of food you
like to eat this evening?Copy !req
864. Well, we sort of
like pineapple.Copy !req
865. Yeah, we love pineapple.Copy !req
866. Yeah, anything with
pineapple in is great for us.Copy !req
867. Well, how 'bout
the dungeon room?Copy !req
868. Oh, that sounds fine.Copy !req
869. Sure is.
It's real Hawaiian food,Copy !req
870. served in an authentic medieval
English dungeon atmosphere.Copy !req
871. Isn't this nice?
How are ya?Copy !req
872. Take a little Kodak. Oh, thank
you. Thank you very much.Copy !req
873. Good evening. Would you
care for something to talk about?Copy !req
874. Oh, that would
be wonderful.Copy !req
875. Our special tonight
IS minorities.Copy !req
876. Oh, that sounds
real interesting.Copy !req
877. What's this conversation
here? That's football.Copy !req
878. You can talk about the
Steelers-Bears game Saturday,Copy !req
879. or you could reminisce about
really great World Series.Copy !req
880. No, no, no.
What is this one here?Copy !req
881. That's philosophy.
Is that a sport?Copy !req
882. No, it's more of an attemptCopy !req
883. to construct a viable hypothesis
to explain the meaning of life.Copy !req
884. What was that?
What's he saying?Copy !req
885. Oh, that sounds wonderful.Copy !req
886. Would you like to talk about
the meaning of life, darling?Copy !req
887. Sure. Why not?Copy !req
888. Philosophy for two?
Right.Copy !req
889. Room?
259.Copy !req
890. 259.
Yeah.Copy !req
891. How do we...Copy !req
892. Oh, you folks
want me to start you off?Copy !req
893. We'd appreciate that.Copy !req
894. Okay! Well, look.Copy !req
895. Have you ever wondered
just why you're here?Copy !req
896. Well, we went to Miami last year
and California the year before...Copy !req
897. No, no, no. I mean, why
we're here, on this planet.Copy !req
898. No.Copy !req
899. Right. You ever wanted
to know what it's all about?Copy !req
900. Nope.Copy !req
901. Righty-ho! Well,Copy !req
902. see, throughout history, there've
been certain men and women,Copy !req
903. who've tried to find the solution
to the mysteries of existence.Copy !req
904. Great!Copy !req
905. And we call these guys
philosophers.Copy !req
906. Oh! And that's what
we're talking about.Copy !req
907. Right!
Oh, that's neat.Copy !req
908. Well, you look like
you're getting the idea,Copy !req
909. so why don't I give you
these conversation cards.Copy !req
910. They'll tell you a little about philosophical
method, names of famous philosophers.Copy !req
911. There you are.
Have a nice conversation.Copy !req
912. Oh, thank you
very much.Copy !req
913. He's cute.
Yeah, real understanding.Copy !req
914. Oh! I never knew Schopenhauer
was a philosopher.Copy !req
915. Oh, yeah. He's the one
that begins with an "S."Copy !req
916. Oh.Copy !req
917. Like Nietzsche.Copy !req
918. Does Nietzsche
begin with an "S"?Copy !req
919. There's an "S" in Nietzsche.Copy !req
920. Oh, well, yes, there is.Copy !req
921. Do all philosophers
have an "S" in them?Copy !req
922. Yeah. I think most of them do.Copy !req
923. Oh. Does that mean Salena
Jones is a philosopher?Copy !req
924. Yeah! Right! She could be.Copy !req
925. She sings about
the meaning of life.Copy !req
926. Yeah. That's right, but I don't
think she writes her own material.Copy !req
927. No. Oh, maybe Schopenhauer
writes her material.Copy !req
928. No. Burt Bacharach writes it.Copy !req
929. There's no'S"
in Burt Bacharach.Copy !req
930. Or in Hal David.Copy !req
931. Who's Hal David?Copy !req
932. He writes the lyrics.
Burt just writes the tunes.Copy !req
933. Only now, he's married
to Carole Bayer Sager.Copy !req
934. Waiter? This conversation
isn't very good.Copy !req
935. Oh, I'm sorry, sir. We do have
one today that's not on the menu.Copy !req
936. It's sort of a specialty
of the house, you know?Copy !req
937. Live organ transplants.Copy !req
938. Live organ transplants?
What's that?Copy !req
939. The Meaning of
Life, part five. Live organ transplants.Copy !req
940. Don't worry, dear.
I'll get it.Copy !req
941. Yes?
Hello. Can we have your liver?Copy !req
942. What?
Your liver.Copy !req
943. It's a large glandular organ
in your abdomen.Copy !req
944. You know, it's
reddish-brown, it's sort of...Copy !req
945. Yeah, yeah, I know
what it is, but I'm using it.Copy !req
946. Come on, sir. Don't muck
us about. Hey, hey, hey!Copy !req
947. Hello!Copy !req
948. What's this, then?
A liver donor's card.Copy !req
949. Need we say more?
No.Copy !req
950. Listen, I can't give it to you now.
It says, "In the event of death."Copy !req
951. My God!Copy !req
952. No one has ever had their liver
taken out by us and survived.Copy !req
953. Just lie there, sir.
It won't take a minute.Copy !req
954. Here. What's going on?Copy !req
955. He's donating
his liver, madam.Copy !req
956. Is this because he took out
one of those silly cards?Copy !req
957. That's right, madam.
Typical of him.Copy !req
958. He goes down to the public
library, sees a few signs up,Copy !req
959. comes home all full
of good intentions.Copy !req
960. He gives blood, does cold
research, all that sort of thing.Copy !req
961. What do you do
with them all, anyway?Copy !req
962. They all go to
saving lives, madam.Copy !req
963. That's what
he used to say.Copy !req
964. "It's all for the good of the
country," he used to say.Copy !req
965. Do you think it's all for
the good of the country?Copy !req
966. Hmm?Copy !req
967. Do you think it's all for
the good of the country?Copy !req
968. I wouldn't
know about that, madam.Copy !req
969. We're just doing our jobs,
you know?Copy !req
970. You're not doctors, then?Copy !req
971. Oh, blimey, no.Copy !req
972. Mum, Dad,
I'm off out now.Copy !req
973. I'll see you about 7:007?
Righto, son.Copy !req
974. Look after yourself.Copy !req
975. You fancy
a cup of tea?Copy !req
976. Oh, well, that'd be
very nice. Thank you.Copy !req
977. Thank you very much,
madam. Thank you.Copy !req
978. I thought
she'd never ask.Copy !req
979. You do realizeCopy !req
980. he has to be, well, dead,
by the terms of the card,Copy !req
981. before he donates his liver.Copy !req
982. Well, I told him that, but he
never listens to me, silly man.Copy !req
983. I mean,
I was wonderin'...Copy !req
984. Well, you know, what you
was thinkin' of doin' after that.Copy !req
985. I mean, will you stay
on your own?Copy !req
986. Or is there, well,
someone else, sort of,Copy !req
987. on the horizon?Copy !req
988. I'm too old for that sort of
thing. I'm past my prime.Copy !req
989. Not at all.
Very attractive woman.Copy !req
990. Well, I'm certainly not thinking
of getting hitched up again.Copy !req
991. Sure?
Sure.Copy !req
992. Can we have your liver
then? I would be scared.Copy !req
993. All right.Copy !req
994. I'll tell you what.Copy !req
995. Listen to this.Copy !req
996. Whenever life
gets you down, Mrs. BrownCopy !req
997. And things seem hard
or toughCopy !req
998. And people are stupid,
obnoxious or daftCopy !req
999. and you feel
that you've hadCopy !req
1000. quite enough.Copy !req
1001. Just remember
that you're standingCopy !req
1002. On a planet
that's evolvingCopy !req
1003. And revolving
alt 900 miles an hourCopy !req
1004. It's orbiting alt 19 miles
a second so it's reckonedCopy !req
1005. A sun that is the source
of all our powerCopy !req
1006. The sun and you and me and
all the stars that we can seeCopy !req
1007. Are moving
at a million miles a dayCopy !req
1008. In an outer spiral arm
at 40,000 miles an hourCopy !req
1009. Of the galaxy
we call the Milky WayCopy !req
1010. Our galaxy itself contains
a hundred billion starsCopy !req
1011. It's a hundred thousand
light years side to sideCopy !req
1012. It bulges in the middle
16,000 light years thickCopy !req
1013. But out by us, it's just
3,000 light years wideCopy !req
1014. We're 30,000 light years
from galactic central pointCopy !req
1015. We go round
every 200 million yearsCopy !req
1016. And our galaxy is only
one of millions of billionsCopy !req
1017. In this amazing
and expanding universeCopy !req
1018. The universe itself keeps
on expanding and expandingCopy !req
1019. In all of the directions
it can whizzCopy !req
1020. As fast as it can go
The speed of light, you knowCopy !req
1021. Twelve million miles a minute
and that's the fastest speed there isCopy !req
1022. So remember when you're
feeling very small and insecureCopy !req
1023. How amazingly unlikely
is your birthCopy !req
1024. And pray that there's intelligent
life somewhere up in spaceCopy !req
1025. 'Cause there's bugger all
down here on EarthCopy !req
1026. Makes you feel so, sort
of insignificant, doesn't it?Copy !req
1027. Yeah. Yeah.Copy !req
1028. Can we have
your liver, then?Copy !req
1029. Yeah, all right.
You talked me into it.Copy !req
1030. Eric!Copy !req
1031. Which brings us, once again,
to the urgent realizationCopy !req
1032. of just how much there is
still left to own.Copy !req
1033. Item six on the agenda,
the Meaning of Life.Copy !req
1034. Now, Harry, you've had
some thoughts on this.Copy !req
1035. I've had a team working on
this over the past few weeks,Copy !req
1036. and what we've come up with can be
reduced to two fundamental concepts.Copy !req
1037. One. People are not
wearing enough hats.Copy !req
1038. Two. Matter is energy.Copy !req
1039. In the universe, there are many energy
fields which we cannot normally perceive.Copy !req
1040. Some energies have a spiritual
source, which act upon a person's soul.Copy !req
1041. However, this soul
does not exist ab initio,Copy !req
1042. as orthodox Christianity
teaches.Copy !req
1043. It has to be
brought into existence,Copy !req
1044. by a process of guided
self-observation.Copy !req
1045. However, this is rarely achieved,
owing to man's unique abilityCopy !req
1046. to be distracted from spiritual
matters by everyday trivia.Copy !req
1047. What was that about
hats again?Copy !req
1048. Oh, people aren't
wearing enough.Copy !req
1049. Is this true?Copy !req
1050. Certainly.
Hat sales have increased,Copy !req
1051. but not pari passu,
as our research...Copy !req
1052. When you say "enough,"
enough for what purpose?Copy !req
1053. Can I just ask, with
reference to your second point,Copy !req
1054. when you say souls don't develop
because people become distracted...Copy !req
1055. Has anyone noticed
that building there before?Copy !req
1056. What?
Good Lord!Copy !req
1057. Good Lord!Copy !req
1058. The Crimson
Permanent Assurance!Copy !req
1059. We interrupt this film
to apologize for this unwarranted attackCopy !req
1060. by the supporting feature.Copy !req
1061. Luckily, we have been prepared
for this eventualityCopy !req
1062. and are now taking steps
to remedy it.Copy !req
1063. Thank you.Copy !req
1064. The Meaning of
Life, part six. The autumn years.Copy !req
1065. Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.Copy !req
1066. Here's a little number I tossed
off recently in the Caribbean.Copy !req
1067. Isn't it awfully
nice to have a penisCopy !req
1068. Isn't it frightfully good
to have a dongCopy !req
1069. It's swell to have a stiffy
It's divine to own a dickCopy !req
1070. From the tiniest little tadger
to the world's biggest prickCopy !req
1071. So three cheers for your Willy
or John ThomasCopy !req
1072. Hooray for your
one-eyed trouser snakeCopy !req
1073. Your piece of pork, your wife's
best friend, your Percy or your cockCopy !req
1074. You can wrap it up in ribbons
You can slip it in your sockCopy !req
1075. But don't take it out in public
or they will stick you in the dockCopy !req
1076. And you won't come backCopy !req
1077. Thank you very much.Copy !req
1078. Oh, what a
frightfully witty song.Copy !req
1079. Terribly clever.Copy !req
1080. Jolly good.
Marvelous.Copy !req
1081. Oh, shit!
It's Mr. Creosote!Copy !req
1082. Good afternoon, sir,
and how are we today?Copy !req
1083. Better.
Better?Copy !req
1084. Better get a bucket.
I'm gonna throw up.Copy !req
1085. Gaston?
A bucket for monsieur.Copy !req
1086. There we are, monsieur.Copy !req
1087. Merci, Gaston.
I haven't finished.Copy !req
1088. Oh, pardon!
Gaston?Copy !req
1089. A thousand pardons,
monsieur.Copy !req
1090. Now, this afternoon, we have
monsieur's favorite, the jugged hare.Copy !req
1091. The hare is very high
and the sauce is very rich,Copy !req
1092. with truffles, anchovies, Grand
Marnier, bacon and cream.Copy !req
1093. Thank you, Gaston.
There's still more.Copy !req
1094. Allow me.Copy !req
1095. A new bucket
for monsieur.Copy !req
1096. And the cleaning woman.Copy !req
1097. Et maintenant, would
monsieur care for an aperitif,Copy !req
1098. or would he prefer
to order straightaway?Copy !req
1099. Today, we have for
appetizers, excuse me,Copy !req
1100. moules marinieres, pate
de forte gras, beluga caviar,Copy !req
1101. eggs Benedictine, tarte
de poireaux, that's leek tart,Copy !req
1102. frogs' legs amandine or oeufs
de cattle Richard Shepherd.Copy !req
1103. C'est a dire, little quails' eggs
on a bed of pureed mushrooms.Copy !req
1104. It's very delicate,
very succulent.Copy !req
1105. I'll have the lot.Copy !req
1106. A wise choice, monsieur. And
now, how would you like it served?Copy !req
1107. All mixed up together
in a bucket?Copy !req
1108. Yeah. With the eggs on top.Copy !req
1109. But of course.
Avec des oeufs frites.Copy !req
1110. Don't skimp on the pate.Copy !req
1111. Oh, monsieur,
I assure you,Copy !req
1112. just because it is mixed up
with all the other things,Copy !req
1113. we would not dream of giving
you less than the full amount.Copy !req
1114. In fact, I will personally make
sure you have a double helping.Copy !req
1115. Something to drink,
monsieur?Copy !req
1116. Yeah, I'll have six bottles
of Chateau La tour '45,Copy !req
1117. and a double Jeroboam
of champagne. '45.Copy !req
1118. Bon, and the usual
brown ales?Copy !req
1119. Yeah. No, wait a minute. I think I
could only manage six crates today.Copy !req
1120. Tsk, tsk, tsk.Copy !req
1121. I hope monsieur was
not overdoing it last night.Copy !req
1122. Shut up!
D'accord.Copy !req
1123. The new bucket
and the cleaning woman.Copy !req
1124. Is there something wrong
with the food?Copy !req
1125. No, the food
was excellent.Copy !req
1126. Perhaps you're not happy
with the service?Copy !req
1127. No, no complaints.Copy !req
1128. It's just that we have to go.
I'm having rather a heavy period.Copy !req
1129. And we have
a train to catch.Copy !req
1130. Oh! Yes, of course.
We have a train to catchCopy !req
1131. and I don't want to start
bleeding all over the seats.Copy !req
1132. Madam? Perhaps
we should be going?Copy !req
1133. Very well, monsieur.
Thank you so much.Copy !req
1134. So nice to see you,Copy !req
1135. and I hope very much we
will see you again very soon.Copy !req
1136. Oh, dear. I have trodden
in monsieur's bucket.Copy !req
1137. Another bucket
for monsieur,Copy !req
1138. and perhaps a hose.Copy !req
1139. Oh, Max. Really!Copy !req
1140. Finally, monsieur,
a wafer-thin mint.Copy !req
1141. Oh, sir, it's only a tiny,
little thin one.Copy !req
1142. No, fuck off. I'm full.
Oh, sir.Copy !req
1143. It's only wafer-thin.Copy !req
1144. Look, I couldn't eat another
thing. I'm absolutely stuffed.Copy !req
1145. Bugger off.
Oh, sir, just, just one.Copy !req
1146. All right, just one.
Just the one, monsieur.Copy !req
1147. Voila.Copy !req
1148. Bon appetit.Copy !req
1149. Thank you, monsieur,
and now, here's your check.Copy !req
1150. The Meaning of
Life, part 6B. The meaning of life.Copy !req
1151. You know, Maria,
I sometimes wonderCopy !req
1152. if we'll ever discover
the meaning of it all,Copy !req
1153. working in a place like this.Copy !req
1154. Well, I've worked in worse
places, philosophically speaking.Copy !req
1155. Really, Maria?
Yes.Copy !req
1156. I used to work
in the Academie Francaise,Copy !req
1157. but it didn't do me
any good at all.Copy !req
1158. I once worked in the library
in the Prado in Madrid,Copy !req
1159. but it didn't teach
me nothin', I recall,Copy !req
1160. and the Library of Congress you'd
have thought would hold some key,Copy !req
1161. but it didn't, and neither
did the Bodleian Library.Copy !req
1162. In the British Museum,
I hoped to find some clue.Copy !req
1163. I worked there from 9:00 till
6:00, read every volume through,Copy !req
1164. but it didn't teach me
nothing about life's mystery.Copy !req
1165. I just kept getting older,
and it got more difficult to see.Copy !req
1166. Till eventually, me eyes
went and me arthritis got bad.Copy !req
1167. So now,
I'm cleaning up in here.Copy !req
1168. But I can't
be really sad,Copy !req
1169. 'cause you see,
I feel that life's a game.Copy !req
1170. You sometimes win or lose,Copy !req
1171. and though I may
be down right now,Copy !req
1172. at least I don't
work for Jews.Copy !req
1173. I'm so sorry.Copy !req
1174. I had no idea we had
a racist working here.Copy !req
1175. I apologize most sincerely.Copy !req
1176. I mean...Copy !req
1177. Where are you going?
No, I can explain...Copy !req
1178. As for me...Copy !req
1179. If you want to know what I
think, I'll show you something.Copy !req
1180. Come with me.
I was saying that...Copy !req
1181. Hello?
Come on.Copy !req
1182. Hello?Copy !req
1183. Hello!
This way.Copy !req
1184. Come on.
Don't be shy.Copy !req
1185. Mind the stairs,
all right?Copy !req
1186. I think this
will help explain.Copy !req
1187. Come along.
Come along.Copy !req
1188. Over here.Copy !req
1189. Come on.
Come on.Copy !req
1190. This way.Copy !req
1191. Come on.Copy !req
1192. This way.Copy !req
1193. Stay by me.Copy !req
1194. Nearly there now.Copy !req
1195. You see that?Copy !req
1196. That's where I was born.Copy !req
1197. You know, one day, my mother,Copy !req
1198. she put me on her knee
and she said to me,Copy !req
1199. "Gaston, my son,Copy !req
1200. "the world
is a beautiful place.Copy !req
1201. "You must go into it
and love everyone."Copy !req
1202. "Try to make everyone happy
and bring peace and contentment,Copy !req
1203. "everywhere you go."Copy !req
1204. So I became a waiter.Copy !req
1205. Well, it's not much
of a philosophy, I know.Copy !req
1206. Well, fuck you.Copy !req
1207. I can live my own life
in my own way if I want to.Copy !req
1208. Fuck off.Copy !req
1209. Don't come following me.Copy !req
1210. The Meaning
of Life, part seven. Death.Copy !req
1211. This man is about to die.Copy !req
1212. In a few moments now,
he will be killed,Copy !req
1213. for Arthur Jarrett
is a convicted criminal,Copy !req
1214. who has been allowed to choose
the manner of his own execution.Copy !req
1215. There he is.Copy !req
1216. Arthur Charles Herbert
Runcie macadam Jarrett,Copy !req
1217. you have been convicted
by 12 good persons, and true,Copy !req
1218. of the crime of first degree
making of gratuitous sexist jokes,Copy !req
1219. in a moving picture.Copy !req
1220. Ashes to ashes,
dust to dust.Copy !req
1221. It's no good.Copy !req
1222. I just can't
go on. I'm no good anymore.Copy !req
1223. I want to end it all!Copy !req
1224. Goodbye! Goodbye!Copy !req
1225. Oh, my God!Copy !req
1226. Oh, no! I...Copy !req
1227. What'll I do? I can't
live without him! I...Copy !req
1228. Mummy! GIRL
Mum, where are you?Copy !req
1229. Daddy? Mummy?Copy !req
1230. Mummy?Copy !req
1231. Yes?Copy !req
1232. Is it about the hedge?Copy !req
1233. Well, I'm awfully sorry,
but... I am the Grim Reaper.Copy !req
1234. Who?
The Grim Reaper.Copy !req
1235. Yes, I see.
I am Death.Copy !req
1236. Yes, well, the thing is,Copy !req
1237. we've got some people from
America for dinner tonight...Copy !req
1238. Who is it, darling?
It's a Mr. Death or something.Copy !req
1239. He's come about the reaping? I
don't think we need any at the moment.Copy !req
1240. Hello. Don't leave him hanging
around outside, darling. Ask him in.Copy !req
1241. I don't think
it's quite the moment.Copy !req
1242. Do come in.
Come along.Copy !req
1243. Come and have a drink.
Do. Come on.Copy !req
1244. It's one of the little men
from the village.Copy !req
1245. Do come in.
Please.Copy !req
1246. This is Howard Katzenberg
from Philadelphia.Copy !req
1247. Hi.
And his wife, Debbie.Copy !req
1248. Hello, there.Copy !req
1249. And these are the Portland
Smythes, Jeremy and Fiona.Copy !req
1250. Good evening.
This is Mr. Death.Copy !req
1251. Do get Mr. Death a
drink, darling. Yes.Copy !req
1252. Mr. Death is a reaper.Copy !req
1253. The Grim Reaper.Copy !req
1254. Hardly surprising
in this weather.Copy !req
1255. So you still reap around
here, do you, Mr. Death?Copy !req
1256. I am the Grim Reaper.Copy !req
1257. That's about all he says.Copy !req
1258. There's your drink, Mr. Death.
Do sit down.Copy !req
1259. We were just talking about some of
the awful problems facing the Third...Copy !req
1260. Would you prefer white? I'm
afraid we don't have any beer.Copy !req
1261. The Stilton's
awfully good.Copy !req
1262. I am not of this world.Copy !req
1263. Good Lord.Copy !req
1264. I am Death.Copy !req
1265. Well, isn't that
extraordinary?Copy !req
1266. We were just talking about
death only five minutes ago.Copy !req
1267. Yes, we were. You know,
whether death is really the end...Copy !req
1268. As my husband Howard here
feels, or whether there is,Copy !req
1269. and one so hates to use words
like soul or spirit...Copy !req
1270. What other words
can one use? Exactly.Copy !req
1271. You do not understand.Copy !req
1272. No. Obviously not.Copy !req
1273. I'll tell you something,
Mr. Death... You don't...Copy !req
1274. Just one moment. I'd like to
express on behalf of everybody here,Copy !req
1275. what a really unique
experience this is.Copy !req
1276. Hear, hear.
Yes, we're so delightedCopy !req
1277. that you dropped in,
Mr. Death.Copy !req
1278. Can I just finish, please?
Mr. Death.Copy !req
1279. Is there an afterlife?Copy !req
1280. Dear, if you could
just wait, please...Copy !req
1281. Are you sure you wouldn't
like some sherry or...Copy !req
1282. Angela, I'd like
to say this, please.Copy !req
1283. Be quiet!Copy !req
1284. Can I just say this
at this time, please?Copy !req
1285. Silence!
I have come for you.Copy !req
1286. You mean to...Copy !req
1287. Take you away.Copy !req
1288. That is my purpose.Copy !req
1289. I am Death.Copy !req
1290. Well, that's cast rather a
gloom over the evening, hasn't it?Copy !req
1291. I don't see it
that way, Geoff.Copy !req
1292. Let me tell you what I think
we're dealing with here,Copy !req
1293. a potentially positive
learning experience that can...Copy !req
1294. Shut up!
Shut up, you American.Copy !req
1295. You always talk,
you Americans.Copy !req
1296. You talk and you talk
and you say,Copy !req
1297. "Let me tell you something"
and "I just wanna say this."Copy !req
1298. Well, you're dead now,
so shut up!Copy !req
1299. Dead?
Dead.Copy !req
1300. All of us?
All of you.Copy !req
1301. Now look here.Copy !req
1302. You barge in here quite
uninvited, break glasses,Copy !req
1303. and then announce quite
casually that we're all dead.Copy !req
1304. Well, I would remind you that
you're a guest in this house...Copy !req
1305. Be quiet! Englishmen!
You're all so fucking pompous!Copy !req
1306. None of you
have got any balls.Copy !req
1307. Can I ask you a question?
What?Copy !req
1308. How can we all have died
at the same time?Copy !req
1309. The salmon mousse.Copy !req
1310. Darling, you didn't use
canned salmon, did you?Copy !req
1311. I'm most dreadfully
embarrassed.Copy !req
1312. Now the time has come.Copy !req
1313. Follow. Follow me.Copy !req
1314. Just testing. Sorry.Copy !req
1315. Follow me. Now.Copy !req
1316. Come.Copy !req
1317. The fishmonger promised me
he'd have some fresh salmon.Copy !req
1318. He's normally so reliable.Copy !req
1319. Can we take our glasses?
Good idea.Copy !req
1320. Hey, I didn't even
eat the mousse.Copy !req
1321. Honestly, darling,
I'm so embarrassed.Copy !req
1322. It really is embarrassing. I mean,
to serve salmon with botulismCopy !req
1323. at a dinner party
is social death.Copy !req
1324. Shall we take our cars?
Why not?Copy !req
1325. Good idea.
Why not?Copy !req
1326. Behold Paradise.Copy !req
1327. I love it here, darling.
Me, too, Marvin.Copy !req
1328. Hello. Welcome to heaven.Copy !req
1329. Excuse me. Could you
just sign here, please, sir?Copy !req
1330. Thank you.Copy !req
1331. There's a table for you
through there, in the restaurant.Copy !req
1332. Thank you.Copy !req
1333. For the ladies.
Afterlife mints.Copy !req
1334. Thank you.
Happy Christmas.Copy !req
1335. Oh, is it Christmas today?Copy !req
1336. Of course, madam.Copy !req
1337. It's Christmas every day
in heaven.Copy !req
1338. Oh! How 'bout that?
Lovely.Copy !req
1339. Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.Copy !req
1340. It's truly a real honorable
experience to be here this evening,Copy !req
1341. a very wonderful and warmCopy !req
1342. and emotional moment
for all of us.Copy !req
1343. And I'd like to
sing a song,Copy !req
1344. for all of you.Copy !req
1345. It's Christmas in
heaven All the children singCopy !req
1346. It's Christmas in heavenCopy !req
1347. Hark, hark,
those church bells ringCopy !req
1348. It's Christmas in heavenCopy !req
1349. The snow falls from the skyCopy !req
1350. But it's nice and warm
and everyoneCopy !req
1351. Looks smart and wears a tieCopy !req
1352. It's Christmas in heavenCopy !req
1353. There's great films on TVCopy !req
1354. The Sound of Music
twice an hourCopy !req
1355. And Jaws I, |I and IlCopy !req
1356. There's gifts
for all the familyCopy !req
1357. There's toiletries
and trainsCopy !req
1358. There's
Sony Walkman headphone setsCopy !req
1359. And the latest video gamesCopy !req
1360. It's Christmas
It's Christmas in heavenCopy !req
1361. Hip, hip, hip, hip
hip hoorayCopy !req
1362. Every single dayCopy !req
1363. Is Christmas DayCopy !req
1364. It's Christmas
It's Christmas in heavenCopy !req
1365. Hip, hip, hip, hip
hip hoorayCopy !req
1366. Every single day is...Copy !req
1367. Well, that's the end
of the film.Copy !req
1368. Now here's
the meaning of life.Copy !req
1369. Thank you, Brigitte.Copy !req
1370. Well, it's nothing
very special.Copy !req
1371. "Try and be nice to people.
Avoid eating fat.Copy !req
1372. "Read a good book every now
and then. Get some walking in,Copy !req
1373. "and try and live together
in peace and harmonyCopy !req
1374. "with people of all creeds
and nations."Copy !req
1375. And finally, here are some completely
gratuitous pictures of penises,Copy !req
1376. to annoy the censors and to hopefully
spark some sort of controversy,Copy !req
1377. which is the only way these days
to get the jaded video-sated publicCopy !req
1378. off their fucking arses and
back in the sodding cinema.Copy !req
1379. Family entertainment?
Bollocks. What they want is filth.Copy !req
1380. People doing things
to each otherCopy !req
1381. with chainsaws
during Tupperware parties,Copy !req
1382. baby-sitters being stabbed with knitting
needles by gay presidential candidates,Copy !req
1383. vigilante groups
strangling chickens,Copy !req
1384. armed bands of theater critics
exterminating mutant goats.Copy !req
1385. Where's the fun in pictures?
Oh, well, there we are.Copy !req
1386. Here's the theme music.
Good night.Copy !req
1387. Just remember that
you're standing on a planetCopy !req
1388. That's evolving and revolving
at 900 miles an hourCopy !req
1389. It's orbiting at 19 miles
a second, so it's reckonedCopy !req
1390. A sun that is the source
of all our powerCopy !req
1391. The sun and you and me and
all the stars that we can seeCopy !req
1392. Are moving
at a million miles a dayCopy !req
1393. In an outer spiral arm
at 40,000 miles an hourCopy !req
1394. Of the galaxy
we call the Milky WayCopy !req
1395. Our galaxy itself contains
a hundred billion starsCopy !req
1396. It's a hundred thousand
light years side to sideCopy !req
1397. It bulges in the middle
16,000 light years thickCopy !req
1398. But out by us, it's just
3,000 light years wideCopy !req
1399. We're 30,000 light years
from galactic central pointCopy !req
1400. We go round every
200 million yearsCopy !req
1401. And our galaxy is only
one of millions of billionsCopy !req
1402. In this amazing
and expanding universeCopy !req
1403. The universe itself keeps on
expanding and expandingCopy !req
1404. In all of the directions
it can whizzCopy !req
1405. As fast as it can go at the
speed of light, you knowCopy !req
1406. Twelve million miles a minute
and that's the fastest speed there isCopy !req
1407. So remember when you're
feeling very small and insecureCopy !req
1408. How amazingly unlikely
is your birthCopy !req
1409. And pray that there's intelligent
life somewhere up in spaceCopy !req
1410. 'Cause there's bugger all
down here on EarthCopy !req