1. In the bleak days
of 1983,Copy !req
2. as England languished in the doldrums
of a ruinous monetarist policy,Copy !req
3. the good, loyal men of the
Permanent Assurance Company,Copy !req
4. a once-proud family firm
recently fallen on hard times,Copy !req
5. strained under the yoke of their
oppressive new corporate management.Copy !req
6. Terrible.
Really terrible.Copy !req
7. Row!Copy !req
8. That's it, Evans.
You're fired.Copy !req
9. You heard me. Out.Copy !req
10. Did you hear that?
He's been sacked.Copy !req
11. Sacked?Copy !req
12. Sacked? Come on, boys.
Let's get at 'em.Copy !req
13. Hey!Copy !req
14. Come on! Come on!Copy !req
15. Let me out of here!Copy !req
16. I demand
to see my lawyer!Copy !req
17. Tooley! Come on.Copy !req
18. Quiet! Silence!Copy !req
19. Now, lads, let's move.Copy !req
20. You, you and you,
break open the weapons.Copy !req
21. You, you and you,
into the rigging.Copy !req
22. And you, put the kettle on.
Aye, sir.Copy !req
23. There, there, Charles.Copy !req
24. Sorry!Copy !req
25. Come on, Tooley.
This way!Copy !req
26. Weigh the anchor!Copy !req
27. Weigh the anchor.Copy !req
28. And so, The Crimson Permanent AssuranceCopy !req
29. was launched upon the high
seas of international finance.Copy !req
30. Come on, boy.
Watch it. Route. Route!Copy !req
31. Cup of tea, dear?
Hey, Captain!Copy !req
32. Look! To starboard!Copy !req
33. There it lay,
the prize they sought.Copy !req
34. Hard to starboard!Copy !req
35. A financial district swollen with
multinationals, conglomerates,Copy !req
36. and fat, bloated
merchant banks.Copy !req
37. All right, lads,
battle stations!Copy !req
38. Come on! Move it! Move it! Move it!Copy !req
39. All right, then. That's
enough. Take cover.Copy !req
40. Down, down! Get down!Copy !req
41. Down, down.Copy !req
42. Hard to starboard!Copy !req
43. Fire!Copy !req
44. Eric! My balance sheets!Copy !req
45. Ross! Get the readouts!Copy !req
46. Stop him!
Eric!Copy !req
47. Thanks!
Charge!Copy !req
48. Come on! Grab it!Copy !req
49. No, no! Let me! Let me!
Okay, Kane.Copy !req
50. Cudgelled!Copy !req
51. Gotcha!Copy !req
52. You bastard!Copy !req
53. Take this.Copy !req
54. Here. File this.Copy !req
55. Shit!Copy !req
56. And so, heartened
by their initial success,Copy !req
57. the desperate and reasonably violent
men of The Permanent AssuranceCopy !req
58. battled on until,Copy !req
59. as the sun set
slowly in the west,Copy !req
60. the outstanding returns on
their bold business ventureCopy !req
61. became apparent.Copy !req
62. Once-proud financial giantsCopy !req
63. lay in ruins,Copy !req
64. their assets stripped,Copy !req
65. their policies in tatters.Copy !req
66. Full speed ahead,
Mr. Cohen!Copy !req
67. Up, up, up your premium
Up, up, up your premiumCopy !req
68. Scribble away
And balance the booksCopy !req
69. Scribble away
But balance the booksCopy !req
70. It's fun to charter
an accountantCopy !req
71. And sail the wide
accountancyCopy !req
72. To find,
explore the funds offshoreCopy !req
73. And skirt the shoals
of bankruptcyCopy !req
74. It can be manly in insuranceCopy !req
75. We'll up your premium
semiannuallyCopy !req
76. It's all tax-deductible
We're fairly incorruptibleCopy !req
77. Sailing on
the wide accountancyCopy !req
78. Sail away...
And so, they sailed offCopy !req
79. into the ledgers of history,Copy !req
80. one by one, the financial
capitals of the worldCopy !req
81. crumbling under the might
of their business acumen.Copy !req
82. Or so it would have been,Copy !req
83. if certain modern theories
concerning the shape of the worldCopy !req
84. had not proved
to be disastrously wrong.Copy !req
85. Morning.
Morning.Copy !req
86. Morning.Copy !req
87. Morning.
Morning.Copy !req
88. What's new?
Not much.Copy !req
89. Morning!
Good morning! Morning!Copy !req
90. Morning!
Morning!Copy !req
91. Frank was just asking
what's new. Was he?Copy !req
92. Yes.Copy !req
93. Hey, look.Copy !req
94. Howard's being eaten.
Is he?Copy !req
95. Makes you think, doesn't it? H mm.Copy !req
96. I mean, what's it all about?
Beats me.Copy !req
97. Why are we hereCopy !req
98. What's life all aboutCopy !req
99. Is God really realCopy !req
100. Or is there some doubtCopy !req
101. Well, tonight
we're going to sort it all outCopy !req
102. For tonight
it's The Meaning of LifeCopy !req
103. What's the point
of all this hoaxCopy !req
104. Is it the chicken
and the egg timeCopy !req
105. Are we just yolksCopy !req
106. Or perhaps we're just one
of God's little jokesCopy !req
107. Well, ça, c'est
le meaning of lifeCopy !req
108. Is life just a gameCopy !req
109. Where we make up the rulesCopy !req
110. While we're searching
for something to sayCopy !req
111. Or are we just
simply spiralling coilsCopy !req
112. Of self-replicating DNACopy !req
113. Nay, nay, nay, nay, nay, nay
Nay, nay, nay, nayCopy !req
114. What is life
What is our fateCopy !req
115. Is there heaven and hellCopy !req
116. Do we reincarnateCopy !req
117. Is mankind evolving
or is it too lateCopy !req
118. Well, tonight
here's The Meaning of LifeCopy !req
119. For millionsCopy !req
120. This life
is a sad vale of tearsCopy !req
121. Sitting round
with really nothing to sayCopy !req
122. While scientists sayCopy !req
123. We're just
simply spiralling coilsCopy !req
124. Of self-replicating DNACopy !req
125. Nay, nay, nay, nay, nay, nay
Nay, nay, nay, nayCopy !req
126. So just why
Why are we hereCopy !req
127. And just whatCopy !req
128. What, what, what do we fearCopy !req
129. Well, ce soir for a changeCopy !req
130. It will all be made clearCopy !req
131. For this is
The Meaning of LifeCopy !req
132. C'est le sens de la vieCopy !req
133. This is The Meaning of LifeCopy !req
134. Part one.
The miracle of birth.Copy !req
135. One thousand and eight!Copy !req
136. Mrs. Moore's contractions
are more frequent, Doctor.Copy !req
137. Good. Take her into
the fetus frightening room.Copy !req
138. Right.Copy !req
139. Jolly good.Copy !req
140. It's a bit bare in here today, isn't it?Copy !req
141. Yes. Yes. More
apparatus, please, Nurse.Copy !req
142. The EEG, the BP monitor and
the AVV. Certainly, Doctor.Copy !req
143. And get the machine
that goes 'ping. 'Copy !req
144. And get the most expensive machines
in case the administrator comes.Copy !req
145. That's it. Bring it in. Bring
it right here. Behind me.Copy !req
146. Lovely, lovely.
Jolly good. That's better.Copy !req
147. That's much, much better.
Yes, that's more like it.Copy !req
148. Still something
missing, though.Copy !req
149. H mm?
H mm.Copy !req
150. Patient.
Patient, yes.Copy !req
151. Where's the patient? Patient!
Anyone seen the patient?Copy !req
152. Here she is.
Bring it over here.Copy !req
153. Mind the machines!
Sorry, Doctor.Copy !req
154. Come along!Copy !req
155. Come along.
J ump on it.Copy !req
156. Hello. Now don't you worry.
We'll soon have you cured.Copy !req
157. Leave it all to us. You'll
never know what hit you.Copy !req
158. Goodbye.
Goodbye.Copy !req
159. Drips up.
Injections.Copy !req
160. Can I put the tube
in the baby's head?Copy !req
161. Only if I can
do the episiotomy.Copy !req
162. Okay.
Thank you.Copy !req
163. Legs up.Copy !req
164. Oh, come in. Come on in, all
of you. That's it. Jolly good.Copy !req
165. Come on. Come along. Spread round there.Copy !req
166. Who are you?
I'm the husband.Copy !req
167. I'm sorry. Only people
involved are allowed in here.Copy !req
168. What do I do?
Yes?Copy !req
169. What do I do? Nothing,
dear. You're not qualified.Copy !req
170. Leave it to us.
What's that for?Copy !req
171. That's the machine
that goes 'ping. 'Copy !req
172. You see? That means
your baby is still alive.Copy !req
173. And that's the most expensive
machine in the whole hospital.Copy !req
174. Yes, it cost over three-quarters
of a million pounds.Copy !req
175. Aren't you lucky?Copy !req
176. The administrator
is here, Doctor.Copy !req
177. Switch everything on.Copy !req
178. Morning, gentlemen.Copy !req
179. Morning. Morning, gentlemen.
Morning.Copy !req
180. Morning, Mr. Pycroft.
Mr. Pycroft.Copy !req
181. Oh, very impressive,
very impressive.Copy !req
182. And what are you doing
this morning? It's a birth.Copy !req
183. And what sort of thing
is that?Copy !req
184. Well, that's when we take a
new baby out of a lady's tummy.Copy !req
185. Wonderful what we
can do nowadays.Copy !req
186. I see you have the machine that
goes 'ping. ' This is my favorite.Copy !req
187. You see, we lease this back
from the company we sold it to,Copy !req
188. and that way, it comes under the monthly
current budget and not the capital account.Copy !req
189. Thank you, thank you. We try to
do our best. Well, do carry on.Copy !req
190. Oh, the vulva's dilating,
Doctor. Oh, yes, there's the head.Copy !req
191. Yes, four centimeters,
five, six centimeters.Copy !req
192. Lights!
Amplify the ping machine.Copy !req
193. Masks up!
Suction!Copy !req
194. Eyes down
for a full house!Copy !req
195. Here it comes.Copy !req
196. And frighten it.Copy !req
197. Thank you.
And the rough towels!Copy !req
198. Show it to the mother.
That's enough.Copy !req
199. Right. Sedate her.
N umber the child.Copy !req
200. Measure it, blood-type
it and isolate it.Copy !req
201. Okay, show's over.Copy !req
202. Is it a boy or a girl?Copy !req
203. I think it's a little early to start
imposing roles on it, don't you?Copy !req
204. Now, a word of advice. You may
find that you suffer for some time,Copy !req
205. a totally irrational feeling of
depression, PND, as we doctors call it.Copy !req
206. So, it's lots of
happy pills for you,Copy !req
207. and you can find out all about
the birth when you get home.Copy !req
208. It's available on BetaMax,
VHS and Super 8.Copy !req
209. The miracle of birth,
part two. The third world.Copy !req
210. Oh, bloody hell.Copy !req
211. Oh, get it, would you,
Deidre? All right, Mum.Copy !req
212. Now whose teatime is it?
Mine!Copy !req
213. Come on.
Out you go.Copy !req
214. Now, Vincent, Tessa,
Valerie, Janine,Copy !req
215. Martha, Andrew, Thomas,
Walter, Pat, Linda,Copy !req
216. Michael, Evadne, Alice, Dominique
and Sasha, it's your bedtime.Copy !req
217. Now don't argue!Copy !req
218. Laura, Alfred, Nigel,
Annie, Simon, Amanda...Copy !req
219. Wait. I've got something
to tell the whole family.Copy !req
220. Oh, quick. Go and get
the others in, Gordon.Copy !req
221. The mill's closed.
There's no more work.Copy !req
222. We're destitute.Copy !req
223. Come in, my little loves. I've
got no option but to sell you allCopy !req
224. for scientific experiments.Copy !req
225. No, no, that's the way it is,
my loves.Copy !req
226. Blame the Catholic ChurchCopy !req
227. for not letting me wear one
of those little rubber things.Copy !req
228. Oh, they've done some
wonderful things in their time.Copy !req
229. They've preserved the might and majesty,
even mystery of the Church of Rome,Copy !req
230. and the sanctity of the sacrament,
the indivisible oneness of the Trinity,Copy !req
231. but if they'd let me wear one
of those little rubber thingsCopy !req
232. on the end of my cock,Copy !req
233. we wouldn't be in the mess
we are now.Copy !req
234. Couldn't Mummy have worn
some sort of pessary?Copy !req
235. Not if we're going
to remain membersCopy !req
236. of the fastest-growing
religion in the world, my boy.Copy !req
237. He's right.
You see, we believe...Copy !req
238. Well, let me put it like this.Copy !req
239. There are Jews in the worldCopy !req
240. There are BuddhistsCopy !req
241. There are Hindus
and Mormons and thenCopy !req
242. There are those
that follow MohammedCopy !req
243. But I've never been
one of themCopy !req
244. I'm a Roman CatholicCopy !req
245. And have been since
before I was bornCopy !req
246. And the one thing
they say about CatholicsCopy !req
247. Is they'll take you
as soon as you're warmCopy !req
248. You don't have
to be a six-footerCopy !req
249. You don't have to
have a great brainCopy !req
250. You don't have to
have any clothes onCopy !req
251. You're a Catholic
the moment Dad cameCopy !req
252. BecauseCopy !req
253. Every sperm is sacredCopy !req
254. Every sperm is greatCopy !req
255. If a sperm is wastedCopy !req
256. God gets quite irateCopy !req
257. Every sperm is sacredCopy !req
258. Every sperm is greatCopy !req
259. If a sperm is wastedCopy !req
260. God gets quite irateCopy !req
261. Let the heathens spill theirsCopy !req
262. On the dusty groundCopy !req
263. God shall make them payCopy !req
264. For each sperm
that can't be foundCopy !req
265. Every sperm is wantedCopy !req
266. Every sperm is goodCopy !req
267. Every sperm is neededCopy !req
268. In your neighborhoodCopy !req
269. Hindu, Taoist, MormonCopy !req
270. Spill theirs just anywhereCopy !req
271. But God loves those who treatCopy !req
272. Their semen with more careCopy !req
273. Every sperm is sacredCopy !req
274. Every sperm is greatCopy !req
275. If a sperm is wastedCopy !req
276. God gets quite irateCopy !req
277. Every sperm is sacredCopy !req
278. Every sperm is good
Every sperm is goodCopy !req
279. Every sperm is neededCopy !req
280. In your neighborhoodCopy !req
281. Every sperm is usefulCopy !req
282. Every sperm is fineCopy !req
283. God needs everybody'sCopy !req
284. Mine
And mineCopy !req
285. And mineCopy !req
286. Let the pagans spill theirsCopy !req
287. O'er mountain, hill and plainCopy !req
288. God shall strike them downCopy !req
289. For each sperm
that's spilt in vainCopy !req
290. Every sperm is sacredCopy !req
291. Every sperm is goodCopy !req
292. Every sperm is neededCopy !req
293. In your neighborhoodCopy !req
294. Every sperm is sacredCopy !req
295. Every sperm is greatCopy !req
296. If a sperm is wastedCopy !req
297. God getsCopy !req
298. Quite irateCopy !req
299. So you see my problem,
little ones.Copy !req
300. I can't keep you all here
any longer.Copy !req
301. Speak up!Copy !req
302. I can't keep you all here
any longer!Copy !req
303. God has blessed us so much I
can't afford to feed you anymore.Copy !req
304. Couldn't you have
your balls cut off?Copy !req
305. It's not as simple as
that, Nigel. God knows all.Copy !req
306. He'd see through
such a cheap trick.Copy !req
307. What we do to ourselves,
we do to Him.Copy !req
308. You could have had them
pulled off in an accident.Copy !req
309. No. Children, I know
you're trying to help,Copy !req
310. but believe me,
me mind's made up.Copy !req
311. I've given this long
and careful thought,Copy !req
312. and it has to be medical
experiments for the lot of you.Copy !req
313. Every sperm is sacredCopy !req
314. Every sperm is greatCopy !req
315. Look at them. Bloody Catholics.
Filling the bloody world upCopy !req
316. with bloody people they
can't afford to bloody feed.Copy !req
317. What are we, dear? Protestant,
and fiercely proud of it.Copy !req
318. Well, why do they have
so many children?Copy !req
319. Because every time they have sexual
intercourse, they have to have a baby.Copy !req
320. But it's the same with us,
Harry. What do you mean?Copy !req
321. Well, I mean
we've got two children,Copy !req
322. and we've had
sexual intercourse twice.Copy !req
323. That's not the point. We could
have it any time we wanted.Copy !req
324. Really?
Oh, yes. And what's more,Copy !req
325. because we don't believe
in all that Papist claptrap,Copy !req
326. we can take precautions.Copy !req
327. What, you mean
lock the door?Copy !req
328. No, no. I mean because we are members
of the Protestant Reformed Church,Copy !req
329. which successfully challenged
the autocratic powerCopy !req
330. of the Papacy
in the mid-sixteenth century,Copy !req
331. we can wear little rubber
devices to prevent issue.Copy !req
332. What do you mean?Copy !req
333. I could, if I wanted, have
sexual intercourse with you.Copy !req
334. Oh, yes, Harry.Copy !req
335. And by wearing a rubber sheath
over my old fellow,Copy !req
336. I could ensure that when I came
off, you would not be impregnated.Copy !req
337. Ooh! That's what being
a Protestant's all about.Copy !req
338. That's why
it's the church for me.Copy !req
339. That's why
it's the church for anyoneCopy !req
340. who respects the individual
and the individual's rightCopy !req
341. to decide for him
or herself.Copy !req
342. When Martin Luther nailed his
protest up to the church door in 1517,Copy !req
343. he may not have realized the full
significance of what he was doingCopy !req
344. but 400 years later,
thanks to him, my dear,Copy !req
345. I can wear whatever I want
on my John Thomas.Copy !req
346. And Protestantism doesn't stop
at the simple condom. Oh, no!Copy !req
347. I can wear French Ticklers
if I want. You what?Copy !req
348. French Ticklers, Black
Mambos, Crocodile Ribs...Copy !req
349. Sheaths that are designed
not only to protect,Copy !req
350. but also to enhance the
stimulation of sexual congress.Copy !req
351. Have you got one?
Have I got one? Well, no,Copy !req
352. but I can go down the road anytime
I want and walk into Harry'sCopy !req
353. and hold my head up high and
say, in a loud, steady voice,Copy !req
354. 'Harry, I want you
to sell me a condom.Copy !req
355. 'In fact, today I think I'll have a
French Tickler, for I am a Protestant. 'Copy !req
356. Well, why don't you?
But they, they cannot,Copy !req
357. because their church never made the
great leap out of the Middle AgesCopy !req
358. and the domination
of alien Episcopal supremacy.Copy !req
359. But despite the attempts
of ProtestantsCopy !req
360. to promote the idea
of sex for pleasure,Copy !req
361. children continue
to multiply everywhere.Copy !req
362. The Meaning of Life, part two.
Growth and learning.Copy !req
363. And spotteth twice they the
camels before the third hour.Copy !req
364. And so the Midianites
went forth to Ram Gilead,Copy !req
365. in Kadesh Bilgemath,Copy !req
366. by Shor Ethra Regalion,Copy !req
367. to the house of
Gash-Bil-Bethuel-Bazda,Copy !req
368. he who brought the butter dish
to Balshazar,Copy !req
369. and the tent peg
to the house of Rashomon,Copy !req
370. and there,
slew they the goats,Copy !req
371. yea, and placed they
the bits in little pots.Copy !req
372. Here endeth the lesson.Copy !req
373. Let us praise God.Copy !req
374. O Lord.
O Lord.Copy !req
375. Ooh! You are so big.Copy !req
376. Ooh! You are so big.Copy !req
377. So absolutely huge.Copy !req
378. So absolutely huge.Copy !req
379. Gosh, we're all really impressed
down here, I can tell You.Copy !req
380. Gosh, we're all really impressed
down here, I can tell you.Copy !req
381. Forgive us, O Lord, for this,
our dreadful toadying.Copy !req
382. And barefaced flattery.Copy !req
383. But you're so strong,Copy !req
384. and, well, just so super.Copy !req
385. Fantastic.Copy !req
386. Amen, Reverend.
Amen.Copy !req
387. Now two boys have been found
rubbing linseed oilCopy !req
388. into the school cormorant.Copy !req
389. Now some of you may feel that the
cormorant does not play an important partCopy !req
390. in the life of the school,
but I would remind youCopy !req
391. that it was presented to us by the
corporation of the town of Sudbury,Copy !req
392. to commemorate Empire Day,
when we try to rememberCopy !req
393. the names of all those
from the Sudbury area,Copy !req
394. who so gallantly
gave their livesCopy !req
395. to keep China British.Copy !req
396. So from now on, the cormorant
is strictly out of bounds!Copy !req
397. Oh, and, Jenkins,Copy !req
398. apparently, your mother
died this morning.Copy !req
399. Chaplain.Copy !req
400. O Lord, please don't burn usCopy !req
401. Don't grill or toast
Your flockCopy !req
402. Don't put us on the barbecueCopy !req
403. Or simmer us in stockCopy !req
404. Don't braise
or bake or boil usCopy !req
405. Or stir-fry us in a wokCopy !req
406. Oh, please don't
lightly poach usCopy !req
407. Or baste us with hot fatCopy !req
408. Don't fricassee or roast usCopy !req
409. Or boil us in a vatCopy !req
410. And please don't
stick thy servants, LordCopy !req
411. In a RotissomatCopy !req
412. He's coming!Copy !req
413. All right, settle down,
settle down.Copy !req
414. Now, before I begin the
lesson, will those of youCopy !req
415. who are playing in the match this
afternoon move your clothes downCopy !req
416. onto the lower peg
immediately after lunch,Copy !req
417. before you write
your letter home,Copy !req
418. if you're not getting your hair cut,
unless you've got a younger brother,Copy !req
419. who's going out this weekend as the
guest of another boy, in which case,Copy !req
420. collect his note before lunch,Copy !req
421. put it in your letter after
you have had your haircut,Copy !req
422. and make sure he moves your clothes
down onto the lower peg for you.Copy !req
423. Now...
Sir?Copy !req
424. Yes, Wymer?Copy !req
425. My younger brother's going out
with Dibble this weekend, sir.Copy !req
426. But I'm not having my hair cut
today, so do I move my clothes...Copy !req
427. I do wish you'd listen, Wymer.
It's perfectly simple.Copy !req
428. If you're not
getting your hair cut,Copy !req
429. you don't have to move your brother's
clothes down to the lower peg.Copy !req
430. You simply collect his note
before lunch,Copy !req
431. after you've done
your scripture prep,Copy !req
432. when you've written
your letter home before rest,Copy !req
433. move your own clothes
onto the lower peg,Copy !req
434. greet the visitors
and report to Mr. VineyCopy !req
435. that you've had
your chit signed.Copy !req
436. Now, sex.Copy !req
437. Sex, sex, sex.
Where were we?Copy !req
438. Well, had I got as far asCopy !req
439. the penis entering the vagina?Copy !req
440. No, sir.
No, sir. No, sir.Copy !req
441. Well, had I done foreplay?Copy !req
442. Yes, sir.Copy !req
443. Ah. Well, as we all know
all about foreplay,Copy !req
444. no doubt you can tell me what
the purpose of foreplay is.Copy !req
445. Biggs.Copy !req
446. Don't know.
Sorry, sir.Copy !req
447. Carter?Copy !req
448. Oh, was it taking
your clothes off, sir?Copy !req
449. Well, and after that?Copy !req
450. Oh, putting them
on a lower peg, sir.Copy !req
451. The purpose of foreplay is to
cause the vagina to lubricate,Copy !req
452. so that the penis
can penetrate more easily.Copy !req
453. Could we have a window open,
please, sir?Copy !req
454. Yes. Harris, will you?Copy !req
455. And, of course, to cause
the man's penis to erectCopy !req
456. and harden.Copy !req
457. Now, did I do
vaginal juices last week?Copy !req
458. Oh, do pay attention,
Wadsworth!Copy !req
459. I know it's Friday. Watching
the football, are you?Copy !req
460. Boy, move over there.
I'm warning you.Copy !req
461. I may decide
to set an exam this term.Copy !req
462. Oh, sir!
Sir!Copy !req
463. So just listen.Copy !req
464. Now did I or did I notCopy !req
465. do vaginal juices?Copy !req
466. Yes, sir.Copy !req
467. Name two ways of getting them
flowing, Watson.Copy !req
468. Rubbing the clitoris, sir?Copy !req
469. What's wrong
with a kiss, boy? H mm?Copy !req
470. Why not start her off
with a nice kiss?Copy !req
471. You don't
have to go leapingCopy !req
472. straight for the clitoris
like a bull at a gate.Copy !req
473. Give her a kiss, boy.Copy !req
474. Suck the nipple, sir?
Good, good. Well done, Wymer.Copy !req
475. Stroking the thighs, sir?
Yes, yes.Copy !req
476. I suppose so.
Biting the neck.Copy !req
477. Yes, good.
Nibbling the earlobe,Copy !req
478. kneading the buttocks
and so on and so forth.Copy !req
479. So we have
all these possibilities,Copy !req
480. before we stampede
towards the clitoris, Watson.Copy !req
481. Yes, sir. Sorry, sir.Copy !req
482. Now, all these forms
of stimulationCopy !req
483. can now take place.Copy !req
484. And, of course, tonguing
will give you the best ideaCopy !req
485. of how the juices
are coming along.Copy !req
486. Helen?
Now, penetration and coitus,Copy !req
487. that is to say intercourse
up to and including orgasm.Copy !req
488. Ah, hello, dear. Do stand up when
my wife enters the room, Carter.Copy !req
489. Oh, sorry, sir. Sorry.Copy !req
490. Humphrey, I hope
you don't mind.Copy !req
491. I told the Garfields we
would dine with them tonight.Copy !req
492. Yes, yes, well,
I suppose we must.Copy !req
493. I said we'd be
there by 8:00.Copy !req
494. At least it'll give me a reason
to wind up the staff meeting.Copy !req
495. I know you don't like them, but
I couldn't make another excuse.Copy !req
496. It's just that I felt...Copy !req
497. Wymer, this is
for your benefit.Copy !req
498. Would you kindly
wake up?Copy !req
499. I've no intention of going
through this all again.Copy !req
500. We'll take the foreplay as
read, if you don't mind, dear.Copy !req
501. No, of course not,
Humphrey.Copy !req
502. So, the man starts by entering
or mounting his good lady wife,Copy !req
503. in the standard way.Copy !req
504. The penis is now, as you will
observe, more or less fully erect.Copy !req
505. There we are,
that's better.Copy !req
506. Now, Carter.Copy !req
507. Yes, sir?
What is it?Copy !req
508. It's an ocarina, sir.
Bring it up here.Copy !req
509. The man now starts making thrusting
movements with his pelvic area,Copy !req
510. moving the penis up and down
inside the vagina.Copy !req
511. Put it there, boy.
Put it there on the table.Copy !req
512. While the wife maximizes her clitoral
stimulation by the shaft of the penis,Copy !req
513. by pushing forward.Copy !req
514. Thank you, dear.Copy !req
515. Now, as the
sexual excitement mounts...Copy !req
516. What's funny, Biggs?Copy !req
517. Oh, nothing, sir.Copy !req
518. Do, please, share your little
joke with the rest of us.Copy !req
519. I mean, obviously, something
frightfully funny's going on.Copy !req
520. No, honestly, sir.Copy !req
521. Well, as it's so funny,Copy !req
522. I think you'd better be selected
to play for the boys' team,Copy !req
523. in the rugby match against
the masters this afternoon.Copy !req
524. Oh, no, sir!Copy !req
525. Come on, Buster!Copy !req
526. Well played, well played.Copy !req
527. The Meaning of Life, part
three. Fighting each other.Copy !req
528. Okay, Blackitt, Sturridge and Walters,
you take the buggers on the left flank.Copy !req
529. Hordern, Spadger and I
will go for the gun post.Copy !req
530. Hang on, 68.Copy !req
531. You'll never make it, let us come
with you. Do as you're told, man.Copy !req
532. Righto, Skipper.
Oh, sir, sir?Copy !req
533. If we don't
meet again, sir.Copy !req
534. I'd just like to say it's been a real
privilege fighting alongside you, sir.Copy !req
535. Yes, well, this is hardly the time
or place for a goodbye speech, eh?Copy !req
536. Me and the lads realize that, sir, but,
well, we may never meet again, so...Copy !req
537. Yes, all right, Blackitt.
Thanks a lot.Copy !req
538. No, just a moment, sir.Copy !req
539. Me and the lads, we've had
a little whip-around, sir.Copy !req
540. We've bought you something,
sir. We bought you this, sir.Copy !req
541. Oh! Well, it...
I don't know what to say.Copy !req
542. It's a lovely thought.
Thank you. Thank you all.Copy !req
543. But I think
we'd better get to cover...Copy !req
544. We've got something else
for you as well, sir.Copy !req
545. Sorry it's another clock, sir,
only there was a bit of a mix-up.Copy !req
546. Walters thought
he was buying a presentCopy !req
547. and Spadger and I had
already got the other one.Copy !req
548. Well, it's beautiful,
they're both beautiful.Copy !req
549. I think we'd better
get to cover now.Copy !req
550. I'll thank you properly
later on.Copy !req
551. Corporal Sturridge got this
for you as well, sir.Copy !req
552. He didn't know
about the others.Copy !req
553. It's Swiss. Well, now, that
is thoughtful, Sturridge.Copy !req
554. Good man.
And there's a card, sir.Copy !req
555. From all of us,
sorry about the blood, sir.Copy !req
556. Thank you all.Copy !req
557. Squad! Three cheers
for Captain Biggs.Copy !req
558. Hip, hip.
Hooray!Copy !req
559. Hip, hip...Copy !req
560. Blackitt! Blackitt!Copy !req
561. I'll be all right, sir. There's
just one other thing, sir.Copy !req
562. Spadger, give him the check. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
563. Oh, no, this is
really going too far.Copy !req
564. I don't seem to be able to find
it, sir, be in number four trench.Copy !req
565. For Christ's sake,
forget it, man.Copy !req
566. You shouldn't
have said that, sir.Copy !req
567. You've hurt his feelings, now.Copy !req
568. Don't mind me, Spadge.Copy !req
569. Toffs is all the same. One minute,
it's all please and thank you.Copy !req
570. The next, they'll kick
you in the teeth. Yeah.Copy !req
571. Let's not give him the cake.
I don't want any cake.Copy !req
572. Look, Blackitt cooked it
especially for you, you bastard.Copy !req
573. Yeah, he saved his rations
for six weeks, sir.Copy !req
574. I don't mean
to be ungrateful.Copy !req
575. I'll be all right...Copy !req
576. Blackie! Blackie!Copy !req
577. Look at him! He worked on that cake
like no one else I've ever known.Copy !req
578. Some nights it was so cold
we could hardly moveCopy !req
579. but Blackitt
would be out there,Copy !req
580. slicing the lemons,
mixing the sugar and almonds.Copy !req
581. I mean, you try getting butter
to melt at 15 degrees below zero.Copy !req
582. There's love in that cake, this
man's love and this man's care and...Copy !req
583. Oh, my Christ!
You bastard.Copy !req
584. All right, we will eat
the cake. They're right.Copy !req
585. It's too good a cake
not to eat.Copy !req
586. Get the plates
and knives, Walters.Copy !req
587. Yes, sir.
How many plates?Copy !req
588. Six.Copy !req
589. Oh, better make it five.
Tablecloth, sir?Copy !req
590. Yes, get the tablecloth.Copy !req
591. No, no,
I'll get the tablecloth.Copy !req
592. You better get
the gate leg table, Hordern.Copy !req
593. And the little lamp, sir?
Yes.Copy !req
594. Oh, and while you're at it,
you'd better get a doily.Copy !req
595. I'll bring two, sir,
in case one gets crumpled.Copy !req
596. Okay!Copy !req
597. But, of course, warfare isn't
all fun. Right. Stop that.Copy !req
598. It's all very well
to laugh at the military,Copy !req
599. but when one considers
the meaning of life,Copy !req
600. it is a struggle between alternative
viewpoints of life itself.Copy !req
601. Without the ability to
defend one's own viewpoint,Copy !req
602. against other perhaps
more aggressive ideologies,Copy !req
603. then reasonableness and moderation
could quite simply disappear.Copy !req
604. That is why we'll always need an army.Copy !req
605. May God strike me down
were it to be otherwise.Copy !req
606. Don't stand there gawping,Copy !req
607. like you've never seen
the hand of God before!Copy !req
608. Now, today we're going to do
marching up and down the square.Copy !req
609. That is, unless any of you
got anything better to do.Copy !req
610. Well?Copy !req
611. Anyone got anything
they'd rather be doing,Copy !req
612. than marching up and down
the square?Copy !req
613. Yes! Atkinson.Copy !req
614. What would you
rather be doing, Atkinson?Copy !req
615. Well, to be quite honest, Sarge, I'd
rather be home with the wife and kids.Copy !req
616. Would you now?Copy !req
617. Yes, Sarge.
Right. Off you go.Copy !req
618. Now,Copy !req
619. everybody else happy
with my little plan,Copy !req
620. of marching up and down
the square a bit?Copy !req
621. Sarge?
Yes?Copy !req
622. I've got a book
I'd quite like to read.Copy !req
623. Go read your book then.Copy !req
624. Now!Copy !req
625. Everybody else
quite content to join inCopy !req
626. with my little scheme
of marchingCopy !req
627. up and down the square?Copy !req
628. Sarge?Copy !req
629. Yes, Wyclif,
what is it?Copy !req
630. Well, I'm learning the piano.Copy !req
631. Learning the piano?Copy !req
632. Yes, Sarge.
And I supposeCopy !req
633. you want to go practice, eh?Copy !req
634. Marching up and down the square
not good enough for you, eh?Copy !req
635. Well...
Right! Off you go!Copy !req
636. Now, what about
the rest of you?Copy !req
637. Rather be at the pictures,
I suppose.Copy !req
638. All right! Off you go!Copy !req
639. Bloody army. I don't know
what it's coming to.Copy !req
640. Right. Sergeant Major marching
up and down the square.Copy !req
641. Left, right, left.Copy !req
642. Democracy and humanitarianismCopy !req
643. have always been trademarks
of the British Army.Copy !req
644. Rubbish!
Shh!Copy !req
645. And have stamped its triumph in the
furthest-flung corners of the Empire.Copy !req
646. But no matter where or when
there was fighting to be done,Copy !req
647. it has always been the calm
leadership of the officer classCopy !req
648. that has made the British Army
what it is.Copy !req
649. Excuse me.Copy !req
650. Morning, Ainsworth.
Morning, Pakenham.Copy !req
651. Sleep well? Not bad.
Bitten to shreds, though.Copy !req
652. Must be that hole in
the bloody mosquito net.Copy !req
653. Yes, savage little blighters,
aren't they?Copy !req
654. Excuse me, sir.
Yes, Chadwick?Copy !req
655. I'm afraid Perkins got rather
badly bitten during the night.Copy !req
656. Well, so did we.Copy !req
657. Yes, but I do think
Doctor ought to see him.Copy !req
658. Well, go and fetch him then.
Right you are, sir.Copy !req
659. Suppose I'd better go along.
Coming, Pakenham?Copy !req
660. Yes, I suppose so.Copy !req
661. Here, now.
Come on, boy.Copy !req
662. Morning, Perkins.Copy !req
663. Morning, sir. What's
all the trouble, then?Copy !req
664. Bitten, sir.
During the night.Copy !req
665. Oh?Copy !req
666. The whole leg gone, eh?
Yes.Copy !req
667. How's it feel?Copy !req
668. Stings a bit. Well,
it would, wouldn't it?Copy !req
669. That's quite a bite
you've got there.Copy !req
670. Yes. A real beauty,
isn't it?Copy !req
671. Any idea how
it happened?Copy !req
672. None whatsoever.
Complete mystery to me.Copy !req
673. Woke up just now,
one sock too many.Copy !req
674. You must have a hell
of a hole in your net.Copy !req
675. We've sent
for the doctor.Copy !req
676. Hardly worth it, is it?
Yes. Better safe than sorry.Copy !req
677. Yes. Good Lord, look at this.
By Jove! That's enormous.Copy !req
678. You don't think
it'll come back, do you?Copy !req
679. For more, you mean?Copy !req
680. You're right. We'd
better get this stitched.Copy !req
681. Right.
Hello, Doc!Copy !req
682. Morning. I came as fast as
I could. Is something up?Copy !req
683. Yes. During the night, old Perkins
got his leg bitten sort of off.Copy !req
684. Oh, yeah.
Been in the wars, have we?Copy !req
685. Yes.Copy !req
686. Any headache?
Bowels all right?Copy !req
687. Well, let's have a look at
this one leg of yours, then, eh?Copy !req
688. Yes. Yes, yes, yes.Copy !req
689. Yes, yes. Yes, yes. Yes, well,
this is nothing to worry about.Copy !req
690. Oh, good. There's a lot of
it about. Probably a virus.Copy !req
691. Keep warm, plenty of rest and if
you're playing football or anything,Copy !req
692. try and favor
the other leg.Copy !req
693. Oh, righto.Copy !req
694. As right as rain
in a couple of days.Copy !req
695. Oh. Thanks for
the reassurance, Doc.Copy !req
696. Not at all.
That's what I'm here for.Copy !req
697. Any other problems
I can reassure you about?Copy !req
698. No, I'm fine.Copy !req
699. Jolly good.
Well, must be off.Copy !req
700. So it'll just grow back again,
then, will it?Copy !req
701. U h...Copy !req
702. I think I'd better come
clean with you about this.Copy !req
703. It's not a virus,
I'm afraid.Copy !req
704. You see, a virus is what we
doctors call very, very small,Copy !req
705. so small it could not possibly
have made off with a whole leg.Copy !req
706. What we're looking for, and this
is no more than an educated guess,Copy !req
707. I'd like to make that clear,Copy !req
708. is some multi-cellular
life-formCopy !req
709. with stripes, huge, razor-sharp
teeth, about 11-foot longCopy !req
710. and of the genus
Felis Horribilis.Copy !req
711. What we doctors,
in fact, call a tiger.Copy !req
712. A tiger?Copy !req
713. A tiger in Africa?
H mm?Copy !req
714. A tiger in Africa!Copy !req
715. Ah, well, it's probably
escaped from a zoo.Copy !req
716. Doesn't sound
very likely to me.Copy !req
717. Mmm-mmm-mmm.
Sir! Sir!Copy !req
718. The attack's over, sir.
The Zulus are retreating.Copy !req
719. Oh, jolly good.Copy !req
720. Quite a lot of
casualties, sir.Copy !req
721. C- division wiped out.
Signals gone.Copy !req
722. Thirty men killed in
F-section. Yes, I see.Copy !req
723. I should think about
150 men altogether, sir.Copy !req
724. Jolly good.Copy !req
725. I haven't got
the final figures,Copy !req
726. but there's a lot of seriously
wounded in the compound...Copy !req
727. Yes, well, the thing is, Sergeant,
I've got a bit of a problem here.Copy !req
728. One of the officers
has lost a leg.Copy !req
729. Oh, no, sir!
I'm afraid so.Copy !req
730. Probably a tiger.
In Africa?Copy !req
731. The MO says we can stitch it back
on if we can find it immediately.Copy !req
732. Right, sir.
I'll organize a party.Copy !req
733. It's hardly the time
for that, Sergeant.Copy !req
734. A search party.
Much better idea.Copy !req
735. Sorry about the mess, sir.Copy !req
736. We'll try and get it cleared
up by the time you get back.Copy !req
737. We showed 'em, didn't we, sir? Yes.Copy !req
738. Here. We got a search party.
Leave that alone.Copy !req
739. All this killing, bloodshed.
Bloody good fun, sir, isn't it?Copy !req
740. Yes, very good.Copy !req
741. Morning, sir.Copy !req
742. Nasty wound
you've got there, fella.Copy !req
743. Thank you very much, sir.Copy !req
744. Come on, Private.
Making up a search party.Copy !req
745. Better than staying home,
isn't it?Copy !req
746. I mean, at home if you kill
someone, they arrest you.Copy !req
747. Here, they give you a gun
and show you what to do, sir.Copy !req
748. I mean, I killed 15 of those
buggers, sir. At home, they'd hang me.Copy !req
749. Here, they'll give me
a fucking medal, sir.Copy !req
750. Sorry, sir.
Thank you, Sergeant Major.Copy !req
751. Look!Copy !req
752. My God! It's huge!Copy !req
753. Don't shoot. Don't
shoot. We're not a tiger.Copy !req
754. We were just...Copy !req
755. Why are you dressed
as a tiger?Copy !req
756. Oh, why, why, why?Copy !req
757. Isn't it a lovely
day today?Copy !req
758. Answer the question.
Oh, we were just...Copy !req
759. Well, actually, we're
dressed like this because...Copy !req
760. Oh, no, that's not it.Copy !req
761. Oh, we did it for a laugh.
Part of a spree. High spirits.Copy !req
762. Simple as that.
Nothing more to it.Copy !req
763. Well, actually, we're on a
mission for British Intelligence.Copy !req
764. There's a pro-czarist
Asante chief...Copy !req
765. No, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no.Copy !req
766. No, no, no, no. We're doing
it for an advertisement.Copy !req
767. Ah, that's it.
Forget about the Russians.Copy !req
768. We're doing an advert
for Tiger Brand Coffee.Copy !req
769. 'Tiger Brand Coffee
is a real treat.Copy !req
770. 'Even tigers prefer
a cup of it to real meat. 'Copy !req
771. Now, look...
All right, all right.Copy !req
772. We are dressed as a tiger because
he had an auntie who did it in 1839.Copy !req
773. This is the 50th anniversary.
No. We're doing it for a bet.Copy !req
774. God told us to do it.Copy !req
775. To tell the truth,
we are completely mad.Copy !req
776. We're inmates of a Bengali
psychiatric institution,Copy !req
777. and we escaped by making this skin
out of old used cereal packets.Copy !req
778. It doesn't matter!
What?Copy !req
779. It doesn't matter why they're dressed
as a tiger. Have they got my leg?Copy !req
780. Good thinking.
Well, have you?Copy !req
781. Actually...
Yes?Copy !req
782. We were thinking of
training as taxidermists.Copy !req
783. We wanted to get the feel of it
from the animal's point of view.Copy !req
784. Be quiet!Copy !req
785. Now look,
we're just asking youCopy !req
786. if you've got
this man's leg.Copy !req
787. A wooden leg?
No, no, a proper leg.Copy !req
788. He was fast asleep, and someone or
something came in and removed it.Copy !req
789. Without waking him up?Copy !req
790. Yes.
I don't believe you.Copy !req
791. We found the tiger skin
in a bicycle shop in Cairo.Copy !req
792. The owner wanted it
taken to Dar Es Salaam.Copy !req
793. Shut up!Copy !req
794. Now look, have you or
have you not got his leg?Copy !req
795. Yes. No. No, no, no, no.
No. No, no, no.Copy !req
796. Why did you say yes?
I didn't.Copy !req
797. I'm not talking to you.Copy !req
798. U m...Copy !req
799. Right. Search the thicket.Copy !req
800. Oh, come on.
I mean, do we look likeCopy !req
801. the sort of chaps who'd
creep into a camp at night,Copy !req
802. steal into someone's tent,
anaesthetize them, tissue-type them,Copy !req
803. amputate a leg
and run away with it?Copy !req
804. Search the thicket.Copy !req
805. Oh, leg!
You're looking for a leg!Copy !req
806. Actually, I think there
is one there somewhere.Copy !req
807. Somebody must have
abandoned it here,Copy !req
808. knowing you were
coming after it.Copy !req
809. We stumbled across it, actually,
and wondered what it was.Copy !req
810. They'll be miles away
by now.Copy !req
811. We'll have to take
all the blame.Copy !req
812. Hello, good evening and welcome
to The Middle of the Film.Copy !req
813. Hello and welcome
to The Middle of the Film,Copy !req
814. the moment where we take a break
and invite you, the audience,Copy !req
815. to join us, the filmmakers,
in Find the Fish.Copy !req
816. We're going to show you
a scene from another filmCopy !req
817. and ask you to guess
where the fish is.Copy !req
818. But if you think you know,
don't keep it to yourselves.Copy !req
819. Yell out so that all
the cinema can hear you.Copy !req
820. So here we are
with Find the Fish.Copy !req
821. I wonder
where that fish has gone.Copy !req
822. You did love it so.Copy !req
823. You looked after it
like a son.Copy !req
824. And it went
wherever I did go.Copy !req
825. Is it in the cupboard?
Yes! No!Copy !req
826. Wouldn't you like to know?
It was a lovely little fish.Copy !req
827. And it went
wherever I did go.Copy !req
828. It's behind the sofa!
Where can that fish be?Copy !req
829. Have you thought of the
drawers in the bureau?Copy !req
830. It is a most
elusive fish.Copy !req
831. And it went
wherever I did go.Copy !req
832. Oh! Fishy, fishy,
fishy, fish.Copy !req
833. Fish, fish, fishy, oh!Copy !req
834. Oh! Fishy, fishy,
fishy, fish!Copy !req
835. That went
wherever I did go.Copy !req
836. Look up his trunk! Yeah!
It's in his trousers!Copy !req
837. That was terrific!
Great! Yeah!Copy !req
838. Best bit so far.
Fantastic! Really great!Copy !req
839. Really risky, yeah.Copy !req
840. They haven't said much about the
meaning of life so far, have they?Copy !req
841. Well, it's been building
up to it. Has it?Copy !req
842. Yeah, I expect
they'll get onto it now.Copy !req
843. Personally, I doubtCopy !req
844. they're going to say anything
about the meaning of life at all.Copy !req
845. Oh, come on.
They've gotta say something.Copy !req
846. They're bound to.Copy !req
847. Yeah.Copy !req
848. What do you think
the next bit will be?Copy !req
849. Caption, I expect.Copy !req
850. What, about the next stage of life,
you mean? Oh, yeah. Here we go.Copy !req
851. Middle Age.Copy !req
852. Could've guessed it.Copy !req
853. That's much better.
Thank you, honey.Copy !req
854. You're welcome.Copy !req
855. It was all sort of
misty before.Copy !req
856. That's fine.
Hey! How are you?Copy !req
857. Oh, we're just fine.Copy !req
858. What kind of food you
like to eat this evening?Copy !req
859. Well, we sort of
like pineapple.Copy !req
860. Yeah, we love pineapple.Copy !req
861. Yeah, anything with
pineapple in is great for us.Copy !req
862. Well, how 'bout
the dungeon room?Copy !req
863. Oh, that sounds fine.Copy !req
864. Sure is.
It's real Hawaiian food,Copy !req
865. served in an authentic medieval
English dungeon atmosphere.Copy !req
866. Isn't this nice?
How are ya?Copy !req
867. Take a little Kodak. Oh,
thank you. Thank you very much.Copy !req
868. Good evening. Would you care
for something to talk about?Copy !req
869. Oh, that would
be wonderful.Copy !req
870. Our special tonight
is minorities.Copy !req
871. Oh, that sounds
real interesting.Copy !req
872. What's this conversation
here? That's football.Copy !req
873. You can talk about the
Steelers-Bears game Saturday,Copy !req
874. or you could reminisce about
really great World Series.Copy !req
875. No, no, no.
What is this one here?Copy !req
876. That's philosophy.
Is that a sport?Copy !req
877. No, it's more of an attemptCopy !req
878. to construct a viable hypothesis
to explain the meaning of life.Copy !req
879. What was that?
What's he saying?Copy !req
880. Oh, that sounds wonderful.Copy !req
881. Would you like to talk about
the meaning of life, darling?Copy !req
882. Sure. Why not?Copy !req
883. Philosophy for two?
Right.Copy !req
884. Room?
259.Copy !req
885. 259.
Yeah.Copy !req
886. How do we...Copy !req
887. Oh, you folks
want me to start you off?Copy !req
888. We'd appreciate that.Copy !req
889. Okay! Well, look.Copy !req
890. Have you ever wondered
just why you're here?Copy !req
891. Well, we went to Miami last year
and California the year before...Copy !req
892. No, no, no. I mean, why
we're here, on this planet.Copy !req
893. No.Copy !req
894. Right. You ever wanted to
know what it's all about?Copy !req
895. Nope.Copy !req
896. Righty-ho! Well,Copy !req
897. see, throughout history, there've
been certain men and women,Copy !req
898. who've tried to find the solution
to the mysteries of existence.Copy !req
899. Great!Copy !req
900. And we call these guys
philosophers.Copy !req
901. Oh! And that's what we're talking about.Copy !req
902. Right!
Oh, that's neat.Copy !req
903. Well, you look like
you're getting the idea,Copy !req
904. so why don't I give you
these conversation cards.Copy !req
905. They'll tell you a little about philosophical
method, names of famous philosophers.Copy !req
906. There you are.
Have a nice conversation.Copy !req
907. Oh, thank you
very much.Copy !req
908. He's cute.
Yeah, real understanding.Copy !req
909. Oh! I never knew Schopenhauer
was a philosopher.Copy !req
910. Oh, yeah. He's the one
that begins with an 'S.'Copy !req
911. Oh.Copy !req
912. Like Nietzsche.Copy !req
913. Does Nietzsche
begin with an 'S'?Copy !req
914. There's an 'S' in Nietzsche.Copy !req
915. Oh, well, yes, there is.Copy !req
916. Do all philosophers
have an 'S' in them?Copy !req
917. Yeah. I think most of them do.Copy !req
918. Oh. Does that mean Selena
Jones is a philosopher?Copy !req
919. Yeah! Right! She could be.Copy !req
920. She sings about
the meaning of life.Copy !req
921. Yeah. That's right, but I don't
think she writes her own material.Copy !req
922. No. Oh, maybe Schopenhauer
writes her material.Copy !req
923. No. Burt Bacharach writes it.Copy !req
924. There's no 'S'
in Burt Bacharach.Copy !req
925. Or in Hal David.Copy !req
926. Who's Hal David?Copy !req
927. He writes the lyrics.
Burt just writes the tunes.Copy !req
928. Only now, he's married
to Carole Bayer Sager.Copy !req
929. Waiter? This conversation
isn't very good.Copy !req
930. Oh, I'm sorry, sir. We do have
one today that's not on the menu.Copy !req
931. It's sort of a speciality
of the house, you know?Copy !req
932. Live organ transplants.Copy !req
933. Live organ transplants?
What's that?Copy !req
934. The Meaning of Life, part
five. Live organ transplants.Copy !req
935. Don't worry, dear.
I'll get it.Copy !req
936. Yes?
Hello. Can we have your liver?Copy !req
937. What?
Your liver.Copy !req
938. It's a large glandular organ
in your abdomen.Copy !req
939. You know, it's
reddish-brown, it's sort of...Copy !req
940. Yeah, yeah, I know what
it is, but I'm using it.Copy !req
941. Come on, sir. Don't muck
us about. Hey, hey, hey!Copy !req
942. Hello!Copy !req
943. What's this, then?
A liver donor's card.Copy !req
944. Need we say more?
No.Copy !req
945. Listen, I can't give it to you now.
It says, 'In the event of death. 'Copy !req
946. My God!Copy !req
947. No one has ever had their liver
taken out by us and survived.Copy !req
948. Just lie there, sir.
It won't take a minute.Copy !req
949. Here. What's going on?Copy !req
950. He's donating
his liver, madam.Copy !req
951. Is this because he took out
one of those silly cards?Copy !req
952. That's right, madam.
Typical of him.Copy !req
953. He goes down to the public
library, sees a few signs up,Copy !req
954. comes home all full
of good intentions.Copy !req
955. He gives blood, does cold
research, all that sort of thing.Copy !req
956. What do you do
with them all, anyway?Copy !req
957. They all go to
saving lives, madam.Copy !req
958. That's what
he used to say.Copy !req
959. 'It's all for the good of
the country, ' he used to say.Copy !req
960. Do you think it's all for
the good of the country?Copy !req
961. H mm?Copy !req
962. Do you think it's all for
the good of the country?Copy !req
963. I wouldn't
know about that, madam.Copy !req
964. We're just doing our jobs,
you know?Copy !req
965. You're not doctors, then?Copy !req
966. Oh, blimey, no.Copy !req
967. Mum, Dad,
I'm off out now.Copy !req
968. I'll see you about 7:00?
Righto, son.Copy !req
969. Look after yourself.Copy !req
970. You fancy
a cup of tea?Copy !req
971. Oh, well, that'd be
very nice. Thank you.Copy !req
972. Thank you very much, madam. Thank you.Copy !req
973. I thought
she'd never ask.Copy !req
974. You do realizeCopy !req
975. he has to be, well, dead,
by the terms of the card,Copy !req
976. before he donates his liver.Copy !req
977. Well, I told him that, but he
never listens to me, silly man.Copy !req
978. I mean,
I was wonderin'...Copy !req
979. Well, you know, what you was
thinkin' of doin' after that.Copy !req
980. I mean, will you stay
on your own?Copy !req
981. Or is there, well,
someone else, sort of,Copy !req
982. on the horizon?Copy !req
983. I'm too old for that sort
of thing. I'm past my prime.Copy !req
984. Not at all.
Very attractive woman.Copy !req
985. Well, I'm certainly not thinking
of getting hitched up again.Copy !req
986. Sure?
Sure.Copy !req
987. Can we have your liver
then? I would be scared.Copy !req
988. All right.Copy !req
989. I'll tell you what.Copy !req
990. Listen to this.Copy !req
991. Whenever life gets
you down, Mrs. BrownCopy !req
992. And things seem hard
or toughCopy !req
993. And people are stupid,
obnoxious or daftCopy !req
994. and you feel
that you've hadCopy !req
995. quite enough.Copy !req
996. Just remember
that you're standingCopy !req
997. On a planet
that's evolvingCopy !req
998. And revolving
at 900 miles an hourCopy !req
999. It's orbiting at 19 miles
a second so it's reckonedCopy !req
1000. A sun that is the source
of all our powerCopy !req
1001. The sun and you and me and
all the stars that we can seeCopy !req
1002. Are moving
at a million miles a dayCopy !req
1003. In an outer spiral arm
at 40,000 miles an hourCopy !req
1004. Of the galaxy
we call the Milky WayCopy !req
1005. Our galaxy itself contains
a hundred billion starsCopy !req
1006. It's a hundred thousand
light years side to sideCopy !req
1007. It bulges in the middle
16,000 light years thickCopy !req
1008. But out by us, it's just
3,000 light years wideCopy !req
1009. We're 30,000 light years
from galactic central pointCopy !req
1010. We go round
every 200 million yearsCopy !req
1011. And our galaxy is only
one of millions of billionsCopy !req
1012. In this amazing
and expanding universeCopy !req
1013. The universe itself keeps
on expanding and expandingCopy !req
1014. In all of the directions
it can whizzCopy !req
1015. As fast as it can go
The speed of light, you knowCopy !req
1016. Twelve million miles a minute and
that's the fastest speed there isCopy !req
1017. So remember when you're
feeling very small and insecureCopy !req
1018. How amazingly unlikely
is your birthCopy !req
1019. And pray that there's intelligent
life somewhere up in spaceCopy !req
1020. 'Cause there's bugger all
down here on EarthCopy !req
1021. Makes you feel so, sort of
insignificant, doesn't it?Copy !req
1022. Yeah. Yeah.Copy !req
1023. Can we have
your liver, then?Copy !req
1024. Yeah, all right.
You talked me into it.Copy !req
1025. Eric!Copy !req
1026. Which brings us, once again,
to the urgent realizationCopy !req
1027. of just how much there is
still left to own.Copy !req
1028. Item six on the agenda,
the Meaning of Life.Copy !req
1029. Now, Harry, you've had
some thoughts on this.Copy !req
1030. I've had a team working on
this over the past few weeks,Copy !req
1031. and what we've come up with can be
reduced to two fundamental concepts.Copy !req
1032. One. People are not wearing enough hats.Copy !req
1033. Two. Matter is energy.Copy !req
1034. In the universe, there are many energy
fields which we cannot normally perceive.Copy !req
1035. Some energies have a spiritual
source, which act upon a person's soul.Copy !req
1036. However, this soul
does not exist ab initio,Copy !req
1037. as orthodox Christianity
teaches.Copy !req
1038. It has to be
brought into existence,Copy !req
1039. by a process of guided
self-observation.Copy !req
1040. However, this is rarely achieved,
owing to man's unique abilityCopy !req
1041. to be distracted from spiritual
matters by everyday trivia.Copy !req
1042. What was that about
hats again?Copy !req
1043. Oh, people aren't
wearing enough.Copy !req
1044. Is this true?Copy !req
1045. Certainly.
Hat sales have increased,Copy !req
1046. but not pari passu,
as our research...Copy !req
1047. When you say 'enough, '
enough for what purpose?Copy !req
1048. Can I just ask, with
reference to your second point,Copy !req
1049. when you say souls don't develop
because people become distracted...Copy !req
1050. Has anyone noticed
that building there before?Copy !req
1051. What?
Good Lord!Copy !req
1052. Good Lord!Copy !req
1053. The Crimson
Permanent Assurance!Copy !req
1054. We interrupt this film to apologize
for this unwarranted attackCopy !req
1055. by the supporting feature.Copy !req
1056. Luckily, we have been prepared
for this eventualityCopy !req
1057. and are now taking steps
to remedy it.Copy !req
1058. Thank you.Copy !req
1059. The Meaning of Life, part six.
The autumn years.Copy !req
1060. Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.Copy !req
1061. Here's a little number I tossed
off recently in the Caribbean.Copy !req
1062. Isn't it awfully nice
to have a penisCopy !req
1063. Isn't it frightfully good
to have a dongCopy !req
1064. It's swell to have a stiff y
It's divine to own a dickCopy !req
1065. From the tiniest little tadger
to the world's biggest prickCopy !req
1066. So three cheers for your Willy
or John ThomasCopy !req
1067. Hooray for your
one-eyed trouser snakeCopy !req
1068. Your piece of pork, your wife's
best friend, your percy or your cockCopy !req
1069. You can wrap it up in ribbons
You can slip it in your sockCopy !req
1070. But don't take it out in public
or they will stick you in the dockCopy !req
1071. And you won't come backCopy !req
1072. Thank you very much.Copy !req
1073. Oh, what a
frightfully witty song.Copy !req
1074. Terribly clever.Copy !req
1075. Jolly good.
Marvellous.Copy !req
1076. Oh, shit!
It's Mr. Creosote!Copy !req
1077. Good afternoon, sir,
and how are we today?Copy !req
1078. Better.
Better?Copy !req
1079. Better get a bucket.
I'm gonna throw up.Copy !req
1080. Gaston?
A bucket for monsieur.Copy !req
1081. There we are, monsieur.Copy !req
1082. Merci, Gaston.
I haven't finished.Copy !req
1083. Oh, pardon!
Gaston?Copy !req
1084. A thousand pardons,
monsieur.Copy !req
1085. Now, this afternoon, we have
monsieur's favorite, the jugged hare.Copy !req
1086. The hare is very high
and the sauce is very rich,Copy !req
1087. with truffles, anchovies,
Grand Marnier, bacon and cream.Copy !req
1088. Thank you, Gaston.
There's still more.Copy !req
1089. Allow me.Copy !req
1090. A new bucket
for monsieur.Copy !req
1091. And the cleaning woman.Copy !req
1092. Et maintenant, would
monsieur care for an aperitif,Copy !req
1093. or would he prefer
to order straightaway?Copy !req
1094. Today, we have for
appetizers, excuse me,Copy !req
1095. moules marinières, pàtè
de foie gras, beluga caviar,Copy !req
1096. eggs Benedictine, tarte de
poireaux, that's leek tart,Copy !req
1097. frogs' legs amandine or oeufs
de caille Richard Shepherd.Copy !req
1098. C'est a dire, little quails' eggs
on a bed of purèed mushrooms.Copy !req
1099. It's very delicate,
very succulent.Copy !req
1100. I'll have the lot.Copy !req
1101. A wise choice, monsieur. And
now, how would you like it served?Copy !req
1102. All mixed up together
in a bucket?Copy !req
1103. Yeah. With the eggs on top.Copy !req
1104. But of course.
Avec des oeufs frites.Copy !req
1105. Don't skimp on the pãtè.Copy !req
1106. Oh, monsieur,
I assure you,Copy !req
1107. just because it is mixed up
with all the other things,Copy !req
1108. we would not dream of giving
you less than the full amount.Copy !req
1109. In fact, I will personally make
sure you have a double helping.Copy !req
1110. Something to drink,
monsieur?Copy !req
1111. Yeah, I'll have six bottles
of Chateau Latour '45,Copy !req
1112. and a double Jeroboam of champagne. '45.Copy !req
1113. Bon, and the usual
brown ales?Copy !req
1114. Yeah. No, wait a minute. I think I
could only manage six crates today.Copy !req
1115. Tsk, tsk, tsk.Copy !req
1116. I hope monsieur was not
overdoing it last night.Copy !req
1117. Shut up!
D'accord.Copy !req
1118. The new bucket
and the cleaning woman.Copy !req
1119. Is there something wrong
with the food?Copy !req
1120. No, the food
was excellent.Copy !req
1121. Perhaps you're not happy
with the service?Copy !req
1122. No, no complaints.Copy !req
1123. It's just that we have to go.
I'm having rather a heavy period.Copy !req
1124. And we have
a train to catch.Copy !req
1125. Oh! Yes, of course.
We have a train to catchCopy !req
1126. and I don't want to start
bleeding all over the seats.Copy !req
1127. Madam? Perhaps we should be going?Copy !req
1128. Very well, monsieur.
Thank you so much.Copy !req
1129. So nice to see you,Copy !req
1130. and I hope very much we
will see you again very soon.Copy !req
1131. Oh, dear. I have trodden
in monsieur's bucket.Copy !req
1132. Another bucket
for monsieur,Copy !req
1133. and perhaps a hose.Copy !req
1134. Oh, Max. Really!Copy !req
1135. Finally, monsieur,
a wafer-thin mint.Copy !req
1136. Oh, sir, it's only a tiny,
little thin one.Copy !req
1137. No, fuck off. I'm full.
Oh, sir.Copy !req
1138. It's only wafer-thin.Copy !req
1139. Look, I couldn't eat another
thing. I'm absolutely stuffed.Copy !req
1140. Bugger off.
Oh, sir, just, just one.Copy !req
1141. All right, just one.
Just the one, monsieur.Copy !req
1142. Voila.Copy !req
1143. Bon appetit.Copy !req
1144. Thank you, monsieur,
and now, here's your check.Copy !req
1145. The Meaning of Life, part 6B.
The meaning of life.Copy !req
1146. You know, Maria,
I sometimes wonderCopy !req
1147. if we'll ever discover
the meaning of it all,Copy !req
1148. working in a place like this.Copy !req
1149. Well, I've worked in worse
places, philosophically speaking.Copy !req
1150. Really, Maria?
Yes.Copy !req
1151. I used to work
in the Academie Française,Copy !req
1152. but it didn't do me
any good at all.Copy !req
1153. I once worked in the library
in the Prado in Madrid,Copy !req
1154. but it didn't teach
me nothin', I recall,Copy !req
1155. and the Library of Congress you'd
have thought would hold some key,Copy !req
1156. but it didn't, and neither
did the Bodleian Library.Copy !req
1157. In the British Museum,
I hoped to find some clue.Copy !req
1158. I worked there from 9:00 till
6:00, read every volume through,Copy !req
1159. but it didn't teach me
nothing about life's mystery.Copy !req
1160. I just kept getting older, and
it got more difficult to see.Copy !req
1161. Till eventually, me eyes
went and me arthritis got bad.Copy !req
1162. So now,
I'm cleaning up in here.Copy !req
1163. But I can't
be really sad,Copy !req
1164. 'cause you see,
I feel that life's a game.Copy !req
1165. You sometimes win or lose,Copy !req
1166. and though I may
be down right now,Copy !req
1167. at least I don't
work for Jews.Copy !req
1168. I'm so sorry.Copy !req
1169. I had no idea we had
a racist working here.Copy !req
1170. I apologize most sincerely.Copy !req
1171. I mean...Copy !req
1172. Where are you going?
No, I can explain...Copy !req
1173. As for me...Copy !req
1174. If you want to know what I
think, I'll show you something.Copy !req
1175. Come with me.
I was saying that...Copy !req
1176. Hello?
Come on.Copy !req
1177. Hello?Copy !req
1178. Hello!
This way.Copy !req
1179. Come on.
Don't be shy.Copy !req
1180. Mind the stairs,
all right?Copy !req
1181. I think this
will help explain.Copy !req
1182. Come along.
Come along.Copy !req
1183. Over here.Copy !req
1184. Come on.
Come on.Copy !req
1185. This way.Copy !req
1186. Come on.Copy !req
1187. This way.Copy !req
1188. Stay by me.Copy !req
1189. Nearly there now.Copy !req
1190. You see that?Copy !req
1191. That's where I was born.Copy !req
1192. You know, one day, my mother,Copy !req
1193. she put me on her knee
and she said to me,Copy !req
1194. 'Gaston, my son,Copy !req
1195. 'the world
is a beautiful place.Copy !req
1196. 'You must go into it
and love everyone. 'Copy !req
1197. 'Try to make everyone happy
and bring peace and contentment,Copy !req
1198. 'everywhere you go. 'Copy !req
1199. So I became a waiter.Copy !req
1200. Well, it's not much
of a philosophy, I know.Copy !req
1201. Well, fuck you.Copy !req
1202. I can live my own life
in my own way if I want to.Copy !req
1203. Fuck off.Copy !req
1204. Don't come following me.Copy !req
1205. The Meaning of Life,
part seven. Death.Copy !req
1206. This man is about to die.Copy !req
1207. In a few moments now,
he will be killed,Copy !req
1208. for Arthur Jarrett
is a convicted criminal,Copy !req
1209. who has been allowed to choose
the manner of his own execution.Copy !req
1210. There he is.Copy !req
1211. Arthur Charles Herbert
Runcie MacAdam Jarrett,Copy !req
1212. you have been convicted by
12 good persons, and true,Copy !req
1213. of the crime of first degree
making of gratuitous sexist jokes,Copy !req
1214. in a moving picture.Copy !req
1215. Ashes to ashes,
dust to dust.Copy !req
1216. It's no good.Copy !req
1217. I just can't go on.
I'm no good anymore.Copy !req
1218. I want to end it all!Copy !req
1219. Goodbye! Goodbye!Copy !req
1220. Oh, my God!Copy !req
1221. Oh, no! I...Copy !req
1222. What'll I do? I can't
live without him! I...Copy !req
1223. Mummy!
Mum, where are you?Copy !req
1224. Daddy? Mummy?Copy !req
1225. Mummy?Copy !req
1226. Yes?Copy !req
1227. Is it about the hedge?Copy !req
1228. Well, I'm awfully sorry,
but... I am the Grim Reaper.Copy !req
1229. Who?
The Grim Reaper.Copy !req
1230. Yes, I see.
I am Death.Copy !req
1231. Yes, well, the thing is,Copy !req
1232. we've got some people from
America for dinner tonight...Copy !req
1233. Who is it, darling?
It's a Mr. Death or something.Copy !req
1234. He's come about the reaping? I don't
think we need any at the moment.Copy !req
1235. Hello. Don't leave him hanging
around outside, darling. Ask him in.Copy !req
1236. I don't think
it's quite the moment.Copy !req
1237. Do come in.
Come along.Copy !req
1238. Come and have a drink.
Do. Come on.Copy !req
1239. It's one of the little men
from the village.Copy !req
1240. Do come in.
Please.Copy !req
1241. This is Howard Katzenberg
from Philadelphia.Copy !req
1242. Hi.
And his wife, Debbie.Copy !req
1243. Hello, there.Copy !req
1244. And these are the Portland
Smythes, Jeremy and Fiona.Copy !req
1245. Good evening.
This is Mr. Death.Copy !req
1246. Do get Mr. Death a drink, darling. Yes.Copy !req
1247. Mr. Death is a reaper.Copy !req
1248. The Grim Reaper.Copy !req
1249. Hardly surprising
in this weather.Copy !req
1250. So you still reap around
here, do you, Mr. Death?Copy !req
1251. I am the Grim Reaper.Copy !req
1252. That's about all he says.Copy !req
1253. There's your drink, Mr. Death.
Do sit down.Copy !req
1254. We were just talking about some of
the awful problems facing the Third...Copy !req
1255. Would you prefer white? I'm
afraid we don't have any beer.Copy !req
1256. The Stilton's
awfully good.Copy !req
1257. I am not of this world.Copy !req
1258. Good Lord.Copy !req
1259. I am Death.Copy !req
1260. Well, isn't that
extraordinary?Copy !req
1261. We were just talking about
death only five minutes ago.Copy !req
1262. Yes, we were. You know, whether
death is really the end...Copy !req
1263. As my husband Howard here
feels, or whether there is,Copy !req
1264. and one so hates to use words
like soul or spirit...Copy !req
1265. What other words can one use? Exactly.Copy !req
1266. You do not understand.Copy !req
1267. No. Obviously not.Copy !req
1268. I'll tell you something,
Mr. Death... You don't...Copy !req
1269. Just one moment. I'd like to
express on behalf of everybody here,Copy !req
1270. what a really unique
experience this is.Copy !req
1271. Hear, hear.
Yes, we're so delightedCopy !req
1272. that you dropped in,
Mr. Death.Copy !req
1273. Can I just finish, please?
Mr. Death.Copy !req
1274. Is there an afterlife?Copy !req
1275. Dear, if you could
just wait, please...Copy !req
1276. Are you sure you wouldn't
like some sherry or...Copy !req
1277. Angela, I'd like
to say this, please.Copy !req
1278. Be quiet!Copy !req
1279. Can I just say this
at this time, please?Copy !req
1280. Silence!
I have come for you.Copy !req
1281. You mean to...Copy !req
1282. Take you away.Copy !req
1283. That is my purpose.Copy !req
1284. I am Death.Copy !req
1285. Well, that's cast rather a gloom
over the evening, hasn't it?Copy !req
1286. I don't see it
that way, Geoff.Copy !req
1287. Let me tell you what I think
we're dealing with here,Copy !req
1288. a potentially positive
learning experience that can...Copy !req
1289. Shut up!
Shut up, you American.Copy !req
1290. You always talk,
you Americans.Copy !req
1291. You talk and you talk
and you say,Copy !req
1292. 'Let me tell you something'
and 'I just wanna say this. 'Copy !req
1293. Well, you're dead now,
so shut up!Copy !req
1294. Dead?
Dead.Copy !req
1295. All of us?
All of you.Copy !req
1296. Now look here.Copy !req
1297. You barge in here quite
uninvited, break glasses,Copy !req
1298. and then announce quite
casually that we're all dead.Copy !req
1299. Well, I would remind you that
you're a guest in this house...Copy !req
1300. Be quiet! Englishmen!
You're all so fucking pompous!Copy !req
1301. None of you
have got any balls.Copy !req
1302. Can I ask you a question?
What?Copy !req
1303. How can we all have died
at the same time?Copy !req
1304. The salmon mousse.Copy !req
1305. Darling, you didn't use
canned salmon, did you?Copy !req
1306. I'm most dreadfully
embarrassed.Copy !req
1307. Now the time has come.Copy !req
1308. Follow. Follow me.Copy !req
1309. Just testing. Sorry.Copy !req
1310. Follow me. Now.Copy !req
1311. Come.Copy !req
1312. The fishmonger promised me
he'd have some fresh salmon.Copy !req
1313. He's normally so reliable.Copy !req
1314. Can we take our glasses?
Good idea.Copy !req
1315. Hey, I didn't even
eat the mousse.Copy !req
1316. Honestly, darling,
I'm so embarrassed.Copy !req
1317. It really is embarrassing. I
mean, to serve salmon with botulismCopy !req
1318. at a dinner party
is social death.Copy !req
1319. Shall we take our cars?
Why not?Copy !req
1320. Good idea.
Why not?Copy !req
1321. Behold Paradise.Copy !req
1322. I love it here, darling.
Me, too, Marvin.Copy !req
1323. Hello. Welcome to heaven.Copy !req
1324. Excuse me. Could you just
sign here, please, sir?Copy !req
1325. Thank you.Copy !req
1326. There's a table for you through
there, in the restaurant.Copy !req
1327. Thank you.Copy !req
1328. For the ladies.
Afterlife mints.Copy !req
1329. Thank you.
Happy Christmas.Copy !req
1330. Oh, is it Christmas today?Copy !req
1331. Of course, madam.Copy !req
1332. It's Christmas every day
in heaven.Copy !req
1333. Oh! How 'bout that?
Lovely.Copy !req
1334. Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.Copy !req
1335. It's truly a real honourable
experience to be here this evening,Copy !req
1336. a very wonderful and warmCopy !req
1337. and emotional moment
for all of us.Copy !req
1338. And I'd like to
sing a song,Copy !req
1339. for all of you.Copy !req
1340. It's Christmas in heaven
All the children singCopy !req
1341. It's Christmas in heavenCopy !req
1342. Hark, hark,
those church bells ringCopy !req
1343. It's Christmas in heavenCopy !req
1344. The snow falls from the skyCopy !req
1345. But it's nice and warm
and everyoneCopy !req
1346. Looks smart and wears a tieCopy !req
1347. It's Christmas in heavenCopy !req
1348. There's great films on TVCopy !req
1349. The Sound of Music
twice an hourCopy !req
1350. And Jaws I, II and IIICopy !req
1351. There's gifts
for all the familyCopy !req
1352. There's toiletries
and trainsCopy !req
1353. There's Sony Walkman
headphone setsCopy !req
1354. And the latest video gamesCopy !req
1355. It's Christmas
It's Christmas in heavenCopy !req
1356. Hip, hip, hip, hip
hip hoorayCopy !req
1357. Every single dayCopy !req
1358. Is Christmas DayCopy !req
1359. It's Christmas
It's Christmas in heavenCopy !req
1360. Hip, hip, hip, hip
hip hoorayCopy !req
1361. Every single day is...Copy !req
1362. Well, that's the end
of the film.Copy !req
1363. Now here's
the meaning of life.Copy !req
1364. Thank you, Brigitte.Copy !req
1365. Well, it's nothing
very special.Copy !req
1366. 'Try and be nice to people.
Avoid eating fat.Copy !req
1367. 'Read a good book every now
and then. Get some walking in,Copy !req
1368. 'and try and live together
in peace and harmonyCopy !req
1369. 'with people of all creeds
and nations. 'Copy !req
1370. And finally, here are some completely
gratuitous pictures of penises,Copy !req
1371. to annoy the censors and to hopefully
spark some sort of controversy,Copy !req
1372. which is the only way these days
to get the jaded video-sated publicCopy !req
1373. off their fucking arses and
back in the sodding cinema.Copy !req
1374. Family entertainment? Bollocks.
What they want is filth.Copy !req
1375. People doing things
to each otherCopy !req
1376. with chainsaws
during Tupperware parties,Copy !req
1377. baby-sitters being stabbed with knitting
needles by gay presidential candidates,Copy !req
1378. vigilante groups
strangling chickens,Copy !req
1379. armed bands of theater critics
exterminating mutant goats.Copy !req
1380. Where's the fun in pictures?
Oh, well, there we are.Copy !req
1381. Here's the theme music.
Good night.Copy !req
1382. Just remember that
you're standing on a planetCopy !req
1383. That's evolving and revolving
at 900 miles an hourCopy !req
1384. It's orbiting at 19 miles
a second, so it's reckonedCopy !req
1385. A sun that is the source
of all our powerCopy !req
1386. The sun and you and me and
all the stars that we can seeCopy !req
1387. Are moving
at a million miles a dayCopy !req
1388. In an outer spiral arm
at 40,000 miles an hourCopy !req
1389. Of the galaxy
we call the Milky WayCopy !req
1390. Our galaxy itself contains
a hundred billion starsCopy !req
1391. It's a hundred thousand
light years side to sideCopy !req
1392. It bulges in the middle
16,000 light years thickCopy !req
1393. But out by us, it's just
3,000 light years wideCopy !req
1394. We're 30,000 light years
from galactic central pointCopy !req
1395. We go round every
200 million yearsCopy !req
1396. And our galaxy is only
one of millions of billionsCopy !req
1397. In this amazing
and expanding universeCopy !req
1398. The universe itself keeps on
expanding and expandingCopy !req
1399. In all of the directions
it can whizzCopy !req
1400. As fast as it can go at
the speed of light, you knowCopy !req
1401. Twelve million miles a minute and
that's the fastest speed there isCopy !req
1402. So remember when you're
feeling very small and insecureCopy !req
1403. How amazingly unlikely
is your birthCopy !req
1404. And pray that there's intelligent
life somewhere up in spaceCopy !req
1405. 'Cause there's bugger all
down here on EarthCopy !req