1. Hey, sexy.
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2. I love that dress.
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3. Of course you do, Lorenzo.
You made it.
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4. - Hi, sweetie.
- Hey, guys.
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5. - There you are.
- Lena.
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6. - You've done it again.
- Well, it's all for you, Bradlee.
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7. Gotta mingle.
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8. Oh, the girls are by the pool.
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9. Well, well, well, Lena. So where's
this sexy boy toy of yours hiding?
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10. I didn't know you were
a football fan, Patrick.
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11. I've never watched a game. I'm just
a big fan of his old underwear ads.
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12. Well, he's probably just getting out of
the shower. Let me go hurry his ass up.
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13. - Hi.
- Hey, babe.
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14. Start of the fourth quarter, and Owens
will throw. He's got Brown wide open!
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15. You have got to be kidding me.
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16. Honey, just let me finish the game,
I'll take you to the movies.
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17. Take me to the movies?
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18. Hello! There's a huge party
going on downstairs.
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19. Remember the catering trucks
and the valet parkers?
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20. Oh, shit, I forgot.
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21. I'll tell you what
you should forget about.
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22. Football.
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23. Because it's forgotten all about you.
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24. Now, you're going to put this outfit on
that I bought you,
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25. drag your drunken ass downstairs
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26. and mingle with my clients
like a good boy.
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27. Who am l? Elton John?
I ain't wearing that shit.
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28. - Yes, you are.
- I'm not your trained monkey, honey.
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29. No. You're much more
expensive than that.
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30. But I tell you what.
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31. If you're not downstairs
in five minutes,
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32. I'm gonna throw you out of my bed,
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33. out of my house and out of my life.
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34. Then you're gonna have to
pay for your own bananas.
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35. I'm just so mad at you
because you're not wearing my gift.
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36. Gift?
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37. What gift?
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38. It's like a l-love-you gift.
I left it in the closet for you.
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39. Really?
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40. Paul, I'm so excited.
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41. I can't believe you did this.
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42. - Where'd you put it?
- In the back, on the right.
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43. Paul? Paul, what are you doing?
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44. I think we need some
alone time, honey,
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45. so I'm gonna go take a cruise
in your Bentley.
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46. Don't you dare take my car,
you drunken bastard!
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47. - I own you!
- I love you.
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48. Somebody please open
this damn door! Patrick?
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49. - Lena?
- Patrick.
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50. What happened to you?
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51. He locked me in the closet
and left me to die.
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52. Oh, my God, he is deranged!
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53. He thinks he can mess with me.
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54. 911.
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55. Oh, man.
Here come the party poopers.
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56. Well, well, well. I'll be damned.
If it isn't Paul Crewe.
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57. So, what did I do wrong?
Was I driving poorly?
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58. Nope. Nope.
This car was reported stolen.
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59. No, no, no.
It's actually my girlfriend's car.
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60. Shit happens.
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61. Shit does happen. I mean,
look what happened to your ears.
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62. I gotta ask you something.
Does he get XM Radio with those?
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63. Actually, they get
a couple of channels.
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64. It's Paul Crewe.
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65. Another question, though.
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66. Santa Claus. What's he like?
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67. Boy, I hate to arrest a public figure
like yourself,
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68. but, hell, I don't think
you got too many
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69. endorsement deals to worry about,
now, do you?
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70. Now, listen here, Mr. Frodo.
Don't get short with me.
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71. That was good. I mean, he's good.
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72. Man. I hope you got a lot of money
for that game you threw,
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73. because that was the most pathetic
thing I ever saw.
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74. Now, step out of the vehicle,
Mr. Crewe.
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75. Don't you think I should pull the car
over more? I could get sideswiped.
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76. You're slurring your words a bit there,
Paul. You been drinking tonight?
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77. Absolutely not. Now, could you do me a
favor? Hold this beer while I back it up.
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78. Hey, you can finish that one.
I got five more. Take care, guys.
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79. We got a 3-94 in progress.
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80. Okay, remain calm.
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81. How you doing? What's up?
What's up? What's up?
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82. What you are watching is live footage
of a vehicle, apparently stolen,
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83. being pursued by police.
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84. We're receiving word now
that the driver of that vehicle
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85. is former Pittsburgh football star
Paul Crewe.
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86. Crewe, you might remember,
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87. was the only man ever to be indicted
on federal racketeering charges
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88. for shaving points
in a professional football game,
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89. although it was never fully proven.
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90. Yeah!
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91. - Hello.
- Do not get one more scratch
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92. on my car, or I will slit your throat.
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93. See, that's our problem, sweetie.
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94. You care about this car
more than you do us.
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95. And how'd you even know
there was a scratch on this baby?
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96. Because I am watching you on TV,
as is the whole country.
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97. Once again,
you are proving to everyone
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98. what a worthless piece of shit
you are.
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99. Well, I hope they like this.
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100. Hey, Lena!
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101. I think we should start
seeing other people!
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102. I think I'm in love.
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103. Good news, boys,
I didn't spill my beer.
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104. Without question, Crewe's five-year
federal probation for point-shaving
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105. has been severely violated tonight.
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106. The future of this once-great football
star looks very dark indeed.
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107. Long way from the big city,
huh, superstar?
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108. Staying with the times
around here, huh?
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109. Ain't she beautiful?
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110. Home sweet home, boy.
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111. Get on your feet.
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112. You're one lucky son of a bitch,
Crewe.
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113. - Is that right?
- That's right.
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114. See, the warden loves his football.
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115. Fact, he was on the winning side
of your little thing.
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116. - Well, tell him congratulations.
- But I wasn't.
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117. Welcome to Allenville.
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118. Thank you, sergeant.
I'll take it from here.
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119. - Afternoon, inmate Crewe.
- Yeah.
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120. Come on. Warden wants to see you.
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121. Let's do it.
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122. Move it.
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123. I used to play
a little college ball myself.
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124. Down at the University of Miami.
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125. I bet a lot of your old teammates
are locked up in here.
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126. No inmates from my playing days.
Couple of guards, though.
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127. See, we got us a fine
prison-guard league down here.
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128. It's like a company softball team.
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129. Now, the warden...
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130. he's gonna ask you to help out.
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131. Okay. With what?
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132. That wasn't nice.
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133. When the warden asks you,
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134. what are you gonna say?
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135. Yes?
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136. You're gonna tell him "no."
You got it?
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137. You're gonna tell the warden
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138. that you want nothing to do
with his football fantasies.
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139. Not in my back yard.
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140. Because the warden
don't run this prison. I do.
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141. You understand?
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142. Not entirely.
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143. Okay. I feel you, dog. I feel you.
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144. Paul "Wrecking" Crewe.
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145. I don't get to say this
to my new guests very often,
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146. but it's an honor to have you
here at this institution.
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147. It's an honor to be
locked up here, sir.
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148. Oh, well, this is Errol Dandridge.
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149. Colonel Sanders
been eating his own chicken.
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150. He's my political adviser.
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151. See, I've been approached
by several very influential people
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152. wondering if I'd be interested
in standing for governor.
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153. They see the way I run this prison,
think maybe I should run this state.
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154. Only with less sodomy, right?
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155. Hopefully none.
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156. Sorry.
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157. Now, there are two things we take very
seriously here in the state of Texas.
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158. Prison and football.
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159. We play a little of the latter here.
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160. The warden is too modest to admit
that his team is rather good.
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161. But not good enough.
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162. Five years since
our last championship.
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163. Five years.
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164. Now, I've worked real hard,
pulled strings,
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165. called in quite a few favors
to get you here, Paul.
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166. Now, why would you go and do that?
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167. Because I am convinced that
you can get us back on track.
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168. I haven't played football in I don't
know how long. I don't really want to.
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169. You wouldn't be playing, Paul.
Just consulting.
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170. Anyone who was once the MVP
of the National Football League
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171. must have a great deal
of expertise to offer.
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172. Captain, what would you say
to Mr. Crewe looking in,
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173. giving us the benefit
of his experience?
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174. I think that's a real good idea, warden.
We can use all the help we can get.
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175. Well, then, it's all settled.
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176. What you say, Paul?
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177. I appreciate the offer,
but I'm gonna have to pass.
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178. Now, I can assure you
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179. that your time here will be a whole
lot easier if you just participate.
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180. I just wanna do my time
and go home. Nothing else.
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181. If you'll excuse us, Mr. Crewe.
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182. Captain Knauer, you can stay.
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183. Sit down!
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184. I used to love
your underwear commercials.
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185. Thank you very much.
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186. My ex-husband wore the
same brand of tighty whities.
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187. He didn't fill them out
quite as well as you, though.
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188. Special effects. Hollywood.
Not all me.
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189. Oh, I doubt that very seriously.
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190. Well, then get him enthusiastic,
damn it!
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191. Come on, get up.
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192. How'd it go in there?
We all set now?
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193. Oh, yeah, we're real tight.
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194. Only the finest for you, superstar.
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195. I was just playing.
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196. I ain't gonna forget you, Crewe.
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197. Hey, yo, you owe me money
on that game, punk!
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198. Better watch yourself, Mr. Football!
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199. Bitch!
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200. Yeah, you better run, woman.
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201. Yo, football.
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202. Take a seat.
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203. Thanks.
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204. You know, I have never seen
one inmate just walk in here
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205. and be unanimously hated
by the entire population.
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206. - I ain't never seen it.
- How'd I get so lucky?
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207. You could have robbed banks,
sold crack,
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208. stole your grandmama's pension,
and nobody would have cared.
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209. But shaving points off a football game?
Man, that's just un-American.
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210. - You play football?
- Me? No.
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211. I suck so bad, they used to pick me
after the white kids.
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212. Used to be mad too. It's like, "l can't
believe I picked a nigga that can't play."
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213. - Caretaker.
- Paul Crewe.
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214. Whatever your pleasure,
I can facilitate.
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215. You need weed, you need meth—
Hey, you need Prozac, I'm your man.
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216. I know how you white boys
always deal with that depression.
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217. I mean, me personally, I don't
understand what you white boys
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218. all depressed about.
Hey, you're white. Smile.
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219. And for a small fee,
I can even get you McDonald's.
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220. - Really?
- Yeah, that's right. Mickey D's.
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221. My man Cheeseburger Eddy
got the hookup.
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222. Cheeseburger Eddy?
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223. That's right.
We can get our McFlurry on.
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224. Enjoy it, fat man.
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225. What about the love
of a beautiful woman?
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226. Well, you're gonna have
to lower your standards
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227. on the beautiful part
and on the woman part.
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228. Hey.
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229. Let's just stick
with the cheeseburgers.
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230. Oh, they ugly now, but in eight months,
he gonna look like Beyonce.
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231. No, thanks.
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232. Now, here's the most important part.
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233. You can't let these guys scare you.
You can't let them punk you.
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234. Because if you do that, you gonna
end up being somebody's bitch.
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235. Don't want that.
Thanks for the advice.
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236. Hey. Let me take that tray
out for you.
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237. I ain't done eating yet.
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238. Oh, you're not?
I'll give it back to you, then.
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239. You're dead!
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240. Hornet's Nest!
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241. Everybody stay down.
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242. Stay quiet!
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243. Come on, Crewe, get up.
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244. Get up, superstar.
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245. Yes, sir.
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246. You think you can do anything
you want around here, don't you?
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247. Well, you are no different
than any other piece of shit
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248. that calls this place home.
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249. Really? These guys think
you're a dumb redneck too?
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250. Girl, that's your new boo.
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251. You better cut that shit out.
It's getting old.
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252. That's gonna cost you.
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253. Looking forward to it.
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254. Wake up, Sleeping Beauty.
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255. Hey, superdick.
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256. Warden's wondering if your stay
in the hotbox has changed your mind.
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257. How long have I been in here?
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258. One week. Wanna go for two?
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259. How'd you find these guys anyways?
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260. Recruitment, boy.
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261. When college stars don't get drafted,
they need a place to go.
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262. A job, money, security.
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263. Who drank all the damn Gatorade?
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264. Damn it!
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265. And apparently steroids.
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266. Look, seems like you got all the talent
you'd want. So why do you need me?
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267. Well, now, you might
find this hard to believe,
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268. but there's folks here in the prison
league don't care for me very much.
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269. - You, warden?
- They thought it might be amusing
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270. to schedule the defending
league champs as our first game.
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271. And me? Well, I thought
an old pro like yourself
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272. might have some training-camp tricks,
drills, insights to offer up.
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273. Give us the competitive edge.
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274. All right. Relatively simple.
You need a tune-up game.
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275. A tune-up game?
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276. Yeah. In college, we'd start every
season against Appalachian State
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277. or some slack Division ll team.
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278. Kick the living shit out of them.
Get their confidence up.
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279. You know something, Paul?
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280. - You've just given me an inspiration.
- That's great. What?
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281. You're gonna assemble a team
to play the first game against us.
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282. And you, Mr. Crewe,
are gonna be the quarterback.
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283. I don't think so.
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284. Let me tell you something.
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285. In my prison, to get along,
you gotta go along.
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286. I just wanna do my three years
and be done.
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287. Three years is before
you assaulted Captain Knauer.
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288. Now, you could be with us
for a very long time, Mr. Crewe.
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289. Fine, I'll do it.
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290. Good choice.
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291. But one condition, though.
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292. Gotta promise me to keep
Captain Knauer off my back.
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293. It's a deal.
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294. Now, you got four weeks
to assemble a team and train them.
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295. What, are we gonna have a half-hour
a day to practice with a Nerf ball?
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296. Oh, I'll make sure my boys allow you
sufficient freedom, within these walls,
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297. to get your team in shape.
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298. What's this? "Football 'tree-outs."'
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299. What the hell is a "tree-out"?
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300. "Tryout," you half a meatball.
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301. - What's this football thing about, man?
- Crewe's getting a team together.
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302. - To play against who?
- The guards.
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303. Now, I don't know about y'all,
but I occasionally have the impulse
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304. to physically assault one of our
finer correctional officers.
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305. Yeah? Well, how the hell
we gonna get to do that?
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306. Just show up at the "tree-outs,"
you big, dumb bitch.
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307. Do the girls get to play?
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308. We're playing footballs,
not balls-balls.
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309. This is bullshit. Just another chance
for the guards to beat on us.
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310. Don't you idiots get it? We could get
a free shot at the guards.
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311. This is our turn.
We could beat up on them.
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312. We could kill them.
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313. Kill them.
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314. You know MVP
sold his own teammates out.
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315. What do you think
he's gonna do to you fools?
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316. And that's the truth.
With some cheese on it.
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317. There ain't no meat loaf
between these buns.
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318. Yo, man, that's my flier, man!
I worked hard on it!
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319. You see? He ran like a little bitch,
right? You saw that, right?
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320. Yo, team needs you.
Team needs you.
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321. You sh— You come to the tr—
Come to the tree-outs.
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322. Crappy field, shit-ass equipment...
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323. Hey, man, at least we got some
world-class players over there.
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324. Forty-five.
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325. Forty-six.
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326. Forty-seven.
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327. He might make the team.
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328. Well, if we gotta cut him,
you're doing it.
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329. Forty-nine.
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330. Fifty.
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331. - All right, man.
- Good job, man.
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332. Well, well, well.
You a football player?
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333. Oh, no. I never played
no football, mister.
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334. So, what happened? You read the flier,
thought it looked like some fun?
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335. - Oh, I can't read.
- Oh, don't worry.
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336. Reading's for rich people.
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337. So you know, we're putting together
a football team. Love you to join.
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338. Will you teach me to football?
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339. Sure we'll teach you to football.
Won't we, Caretaker?
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340. Hey, I'll teach you anything.
Just don't eat me.
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341. Okay.
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342. Down, Shrek. Down!
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343. Okay, bring it in. Whoever's trying out
for the team, wake up.
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344. Can you give a brother
a little hustle?
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345. Very good.
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346. For those of you who don't know
who I am, I'm Paul Crewe.
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347. I'm gonna be your coach,
your captain, your quarterback.
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348. You haven't played in years.
Why can't I be quarterback?
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349. - Hit me, I'm open.
- Hike, hike! Hike!
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350. That's why.
Now, sit down and shut up.
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351. It slipped. I just ate popcorn.
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352. Any of you gentlemen
ever play football before?
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353. - You did? Where?
- Kansas State.
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354. Are you shitting me?
For Coach Snyder?
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355. Kansas State Prison.
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356. Now, I hear they have
the softest mattresses out there.
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357. Yeah, they do.
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358. Not as soft as the ones
at West Texas Mental lnstitution.
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359. - Really?
- Let's finish this conversation later.
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360. For now, I wanna see
what you got out there.
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361. We'll grade them
on a scale of one to ten.
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362. Move it! Hustle, hustle, hustle!
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363. Give these guys sixes.
Give these guys fives.
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364. Good. Good.
Give them threes.
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365. Very nice!
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366. - Aren't we missing somebody?
- Where's the Kansas State guy?
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367. You assholes better not cut me!
I'm still on this team!
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368. Negative two.
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369. All right, go with negative two.
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370. Hey! Somebody bring me
a Diet Coke!
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371. - Let's do this!
- That's it!
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372. Five.
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373. Good. Seven.
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374. Stupid tire! You're a fricking tire!
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375. You think you're better than me?
I'll kick your ass!
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376. Three.
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377. And a half?
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378. Yeah. That's better.
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379. Okay. Good.
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380. Yeah. Hit that bag, man.
There you go, man.
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381. Four.
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382. - Five. I don't know.
- I go.
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383. Come on, Switowski!
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384. Daddy!
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385. Oh, man!
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386. - Look at that.
- He got it off the hinge.
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387. - I think that's a ten.
- Let's go with a ten.
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388. I'm sorry. I "brokeded" your toy.
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389. No, that's a good thing. You should
have a victory hug with Caretaker.
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390. What? What you
talking about, man? Hey!
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391. Asshole!
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392. Okay, fellas, it's pretty simple.
You do a buttonhook.
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393. The rest of you guys block for me.
I'll take care of the rest.
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394. Okay? On "go." On "go."
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395. Ready? Break!
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396. We'll work on that.
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397. Okay, half speed on this one, guys.
Slow and easy.
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398. Ready?
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399. Go!
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400. Stop it!
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401. Stop the violence!
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402. Can't we all get along?
Copy !req
403. - Hey, Paul.
- Unger.
Copy !req
404. - Team's looking great.
- Oh, yeah.
Copy !req
405. - So are you.
- Yep. Working on it.
Copy !req
406. The blood of the guards is gonna flow
like the rivers of ancient Babylon.
Copy !req
407. That's good news.
Unger, you're the man.
Copy !req
408. Good job today. You're all starting
to look really sharp out there. Yeah.
Copy !req
409. See you tomorrow.
Copy !req
410. - We're gonna suck.
- Yeah. No doubt about it.
Copy !req
411. You look like
you could use a little help.
Copy !req
412. No offense, my man,
but you're a little seasoned.
Copy !req
413. Seasoned?
Copy !req
414. I'm not asking to play. I'll coach.
I'm Nate Scarborough.
Copy !req
415. Nate Scarborough?
Copy !req
416. The Heisman Trophy winner
from Oklahoma?
Copy !req
417. The inmate from cellblock D.
Copy !req
418. But about a hundred years ago,
when I could run and gun,
Copy !req
419. yeah, I was a Sooner then.
Copy !req
420. I heard you were dead.
Copy !req
421. No, I ain't dead.
I've been right here, rotting.
Copy !req
422. Waiting for a chance to get back
at those sadistic guards.
Copy !req
423. Waiting. For this.
Copy !req
424. Well, coach, as you can see,
Copy !req
425. we don't exactly have the cream
of the crop to work with here.
Copy !req
426. Well, what are we gonna do?
How are we gonna find players?
Copy !req
427. How'd they get you
to go to Florida State?
Copy !req
428. They recruited me.
Copy !req
429. I'll get the strippers.
Copy !req
430. Well, now, Lindsay, this isn't
about credit or congratulations.
Copy !req
431. This is about giving men
who've made mistakes in their lives
Copy !req
432. an opportunity
to rise above themselves.
Copy !req
433. To move beyond
the bars of containment.
Copy !req
434. Say what?
Copy !req
435. What I would do to you.
Copy !req
436. Yeah. Nice boot, skin man.
Copy !req
437. Hey, why does he get to be
the kicker? I was All-State, man.
Copy !req
438. Let's see what you got.
Copy !req
439. That's why, you dumb-ass.
Copy !req
440. Just go do some laps.
Copy !req
441. I heard you boys needed to see me.
Copy !req
442. Yeah. I want you to meet Skitchy.
Copy !req
443. Hey, dog.
Check that building over there.
Copy !req
444. They keep all the records
in the basement.
Copy !req
445. He's been here so long,
he knows where everything is.
Copy !req
446. That ain't necessarily
a good thing, is it?
Copy !req
447. I had a parole date in '86.
But I got in a tussle with a guard and...
Copy !req
448. One punch and it went away.
Copy !req
449. Twenty extra years for one punch?
Copy !req
450. Well, unfortunately for him,
the guard he punched
Copy !req
451. just happens to be the warden now.
Copy !req
452. Oh, shit. Warden Hazen?
Copy !req
453. "Oh, shit" is right.
Copy !req
454. Fight in the yard. Send backup.
Copy !req
455. Right on time.
Copy !req
456. - Let's do it.
- Let's do it.
Copy !req
457. Ain't you guys glad you got
a black man for a friend?
Copy !req
458. - Hell, yeah.
- Come on.
Copy !req
459. Hazen has a rating system
for every con.
Copy !req
460. What's three stars?
Copy !req
461. The more prone to violence that the
inmate is, the more stars he gets.
Copy !req
462. Five stars is the max.
Copy !req
463. I didn't know that. Let's see how many
stars my maniacal ass got.
Copy !req
464. Half a star? That's gotta be a mistake.
Check it again. Check it again.
Copy !req
465. You're about as maniacal
as a boxful of kittens.
Copy !req
466. Come on, that's not funny, man.
Copy !req
467. I'm gonna have to stab somebody
or something. Get my rep up.
Copy !req
468. Why don't we have a maniacal pillow
fight tonight. That could get it up some.
Copy !req
469. Yeah. We can sell it to pay-per-view.
Copy !req
470. Superstar Versus Half-a-Star.
Copy !req
471. Why don't you shut up before I slit your
throat and watch the dust come out.
Copy !req
472. Come on, guys,
we only got a couple minutes.
Copy !req
473. How about this guy?
Copy !req
474. Damn, this fool got the chair
three times, ain't died yet.
Copy !req
475. Well, we may not have
the most talented team,
Copy !req
476. but we will definitely
have the meanest.
Copy !req
477. - What's he doing that for?
- Because he's a freak.
Copy !req
478. Hey, Sasquatch!
Someone's here to see you!
Copy !req
479. Not too smart on your part.
Copy !req
480. Hey.
Copy !req
481. How's the headbanging coming?
Copy !req
482. You're bleeding. Just so you know.
Copy !req
483. People have told me that
you and I look a lot alike,
Copy !req
484. so I wanted to see for myself.
Copy !req
485. I'm gonna take a piss.
Copy !req
486. You scared him away, dumbshit.
Copy !req
487. You're kidding. Five-star Torres
likes The View?
Copy !req
488. No, just Joy Behar.
Copy !req
489. The good news is she can
breast-feed standing up. That's it.
Copy !req
490. Where does she come up
with this shit?
Copy !req
491. I'm a Star Jones man myself.
I love that big bitch.
Copy !req
492. That was, like, the furthest thing.
Copy !req
493. I got married so young, so, I mean,
Copy !req
494. they weren't pressuring me,
the society was pressuring me...
Copy !req
495. Mr. T orres.
Copy !req
496. Us convicts are starting up
a football team.
Copy !req
497. Not interested.
Copy !req
498. We're playing the guards.
Copy !req
499. Walk away.
Copy !req
500. Good idea.
Copy !req
501. 0 for 2.
Copy !req
502. You're putting the pressure
on her right now.
Copy !req
503. Show's over, amigo.
Copy !req
504. I still got 15 minutes of Joy Behar.
Copy !req
505. Well, I'm cutting you short.
Back to your cell, asswipe.
Copy !req
506. Hey, white boy.
Copy !req
507. Cherryhead gonna play?
Copy !req
508. Yes, he is.
Copy !req
509. Crewe, don't forget,
I'm gonna be open.
Copy !req
510. Green 40! Hut!
Copy !req
511. Damn!
Copy !req
512. Brucie. Brucie. You all right?
You breathing?
Copy !req
513. I got a bird. His name is Ronnie.
Copy !req
514. Well, tell Ronnie you got
knocked the fuck out.
Copy !req
515. Wow, no bullshit. Real football?
Against the guards?
Copy !req
516. Full contact.
Copy !req
517. Captain Knauer is their quarterback?
Copy !req
518. - Yep.
- So I get to tackle him?
Copy !req
519. Yeah. You can either tackle him or hit
him over the head with that hammer.
Copy !req
520. I wanna hurt him. Not kill him.
Copy !req
521. Let's get out of here
before that thing bites somebody.
Copy !req
522. All right. We'll see you
and your pet iguana at practice.
Copy !req
523. Down, set!
Copy !req
524. Hut! Hut!
Copy !req
525. Hey!
Copy !req
526. - Hit me.
- Get rid of it.
Copy !req
527. Get rid of it!
Copy !req
528. He didn't get rid of it.
Copy !req
529. Sacked your ass.
Copy !req
530. Somebody's gotta get open, guys.
Copy !req
531. You got hammered by the hammer.
Copy !req
532. I think I felt it on my leg.
We gotta get some speed, man.
Copy !req
533. What'd you expect?
You got no brothers out there.
Copy !req
534. What are you talking about?
We got Switowski.
Copy !req
535. Switowski? That's one brother.
Copy !req
536. That's a lonely nigga.
This ain't hockey.
Copy !req
537. You want some speed,
you know where to go.
Copy !req
538. Hey, yo, check out
this fake Slim Shady, man.
Copy !req
539. I knew you couldn't resist my shit.
Copy !req
540. I got the shakes
that'll make you quake.
Copy !req
541. I got the fries that'll cross your eyes.
Copy !req
542. I got the burgers that'll—
Copy !req
543. I just got burgers.
Copy !req
544. I'm all right. Thank you.
Copy !req
545. Just wanted to talk to you fellas about
possibly joining the football team.
Copy !req
546. The only game we'd play with you is
Copy !req
547. Slap the Point-Shaving White Boy
Till He Cries Like a Baby-Back Bitch.
Copy !req
548. Baby-back bitch, baby-back bitch
Baby-back bitch
Copy !req
549. - That's a big-ass robot.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
550. You gonna help me out here?
Copy !req
551. Thank you, Half-a-Star.
Copy !req
552. Just so you know,
we are playing the guards.
Copy !req
553. That ain't a team.
That's just a bunch of dumb rednecks
Copy !req
554. giving themselves excuses
to grab each other.
Copy !req
555. This guy must be
quite the athlete, huh?
Copy !req
556. You risk bringing your ass in the jungle
because you know I am.
Copy !req
557. Yeah, so you'd beat me
in a game of one-on-one, right?
Copy !req
558. - What?
- I think it's time for you to get stepping.
Copy !req
559. How's this, though? One game.
Copy !req
560. I beat you, you guys play for the team.
You beat me, I'll leave you alone.
Copy !req
561. Take that. Take that, Deac.
Copy !req
562. This fool ain't nothing
but a thing, baby.
Copy !req
563. - Ball, dog.
- Ball up!
Copy !req
564. Can Crewe play ball?
Copy !req
565. He's a natural athlete.
Copy !req
566. So is Greg Louganis, but I bet you
he'd get his ass whupped out here.
Copy !req
567. - Game's 11. Call your own fouls.
- Okay.
Copy !req
568. - Come on, come on.
- Give it to him, Deac!
Copy !req
569. Did I get you?
Copy !req
570. No, that was clean.
Copy !req
571. He'll be all right. Call his mama.
Copy !req
572. - If I foul you, tell me, dog.
- Okay, baby.
Copy !req
573. Take this f— Take this foul.
Copy !req
574. What happened there?
I think it's my ball, right?
Copy !req
575. All right.
Copy !req
576. Get up! Get up, Deac!
Copy !req
577. Come on, Paul!
Copy !req
578. - Calm down.
- What?
Copy !req
579. Now, don't stir up
the brothers, now. Come on.
Copy !req
580. Come on, Deacon!
Copy !req
581. Did I get you, dog?
Copy !req
582. Hell, no, baby. That was clean.
Good D.
Copy !req
583. I thought he didn't wanna get hurt.
Copy !req
584. It ain't about getting hurt.
It's about pride.
Copy !req
585. I bet you he's pretty proud right now.
Copy !req
586. It ain't easy being cheesy!
Copy !req
587. Did I get you? Did I get you?
Copy !req
588. - No, I think I'm okay, baby.
- I didn't get you, did l?
Copy !req
589. That's traveling, bitch.
Copy !req
590. You keep coming, huh?
Copy !req
591. Game point, baby.
How you want the game put up?
Copy !req
592. Foul.
Copy !req
593. That was a bullshit call!
Copy !req
594. My court, my ball.
Copy !req
595. All right, y'all. Let Deac speak!
Copy !req
596. Nice spanking that ass, dog.
Copy !req
597. - Now, get stepping.
- Hold up.
Copy !req
598. Y'all got a running back?
Copy !req
599. Not any good ones.
Copy !req
600. No disrespect, Deac...
Copy !req
601. but any man that can take
that kind of beating out here,
Copy !req
602. I can't wait to see what he can do
in a contact sport.
Copy !req
603. Shit, I'm in.
Copy !req
604. Man, give me that cheeseburger.
You acting like a real McAsshole.
Copy !req
605. Cheeseburger, he wants to run
with the white boys, we will let him.
Copy !req
606. Let's do this.
Copy !req
607. Earl Megget.
Copy !req
608. Well, we didn't get the whole chocolate
bar, but we got a Hershey's Kiss.
Copy !req
609. I'll take it.
Copy !req
610. Let's get this over with, rookie,
I'm starving.
Copy !req
611. Fresh meat, boys! Fresh meat!
Copy !req
612. Down, set!
Copy !req
613. Battle, you're a psycho!
Copy !req
614. Tony, you're a fat shit! Hut!
Copy !req
615. Holy shit!
Copy !req
616. Get him!
Copy !req
617. Ran right out of your shoes, huh?
Hey, manager, don't you think
Copy !req
618. we can get our new star running back
a decent pair of cleats?
Copy !req
619. Yeah. I think I got a cousin
that drives a truck for Reebok.
Copy !req
620. It's cool, man.
I never had shoes growing up noway.
Copy !req
621. - I'll be all right for now.
- Oh, okay.
Copy !req
622. Get your country ass
back in the huddle.
Copy !req
623. That boy got some slave feet,
you see that?
Copy !req
624. Defense! Huddle up over there!
Copy !req
625. Paul. Paul.
Copy !req
626. Hey, ladies. How's it hanging?
Copy !req
627. - Tell him.
- I'm gonna say something to him.
Copy !req
628. I just wanted to let you know
I am your biggest fan.
Copy !req
629. And I will be cheering my jailhouse
boobies off for you at game day.
Copy !req
630. I appreciate that. Thank you.
Copy !req
631. Paul.
Copy !req
632. I appreciate you.
Copy !req
633. Okay, thanks. I'm glad to know that.
Copy !req
634. Okay, are you done now?
Copy !req
635. What's wrong with you? Jealous
because I don't cheer for you anymore?
Copy !req
636. I don't know what
you're talking about, freak show.
Copy !req
637. Whatever, back freckles.
Copy !req
638. Oh, yeah, back freckles.
She's making up shit now.
Copy !req
639. I'm gonna get some water.
Copy !req
640. That feature interview
worked better than I thought.
Copy !req
641. I just got off the phone with ESPN2.
Copy !req
642. They want to televise
the football game.
Copy !req
643. Guards, cons, Paul Crewe,
it's compelling stuff.
Copy !req
644. Lots of human interest.
Copy !req
645. Don't do that in here.
Copy !req
646. Television.
Copy !req
647. Dandridge, do you think
that might help my visibility
Copy !req
648. with the registered voters
of this fine state?
Copy !req
649. Oh, yes.
Copy !req
650. The freak is back!
Copy !req
651. Hey, hey. It's me again.
Copy !req
652. You know, if I take this half down,
we could play together.
Copy !req
653. I'm just gonna take this half down.
Copy !req
654. Don't worry. Don't worry.
I got another ball.
Copy !req
655. It's okay.
Copy !req
656. You wanna serve?
Copy !req
657. I'll serve.
Copy !req
658. Really good news.
We started a football team.
Copy !req
659. You like football?
Copy !req
660. It's kind of like Ping-Pong.
Copy !req
661. Only the ball's a little bigger
and egg-shaped, like my head.
Copy !req
662. Just a joke. Stay calm.
Copy !req
663. Give you a good chance
to throw people on the ground,
Copy !req
664. hurt them like you used to when you
were a kid, 10 feet 6 inches ago.
Copy !req
665. We'd be playing the guards.
Copy !req
666. I think Papajohn's their safety.
Copy !req
667. Turley, nobody gets to me.
We'll play more Ping-Pong later, okay?
Copy !req
668. Hut!
Copy !req
669. Effective.
Copy !req
670. - All right.
- He brokeded my nose.
Copy !req
671. I don't wanna play no more.
Copy !req
672. Hey, hey, hey. Switowski,
what are you talking about?
Copy !req
673. This is football. Shit happens.
Copy !req
674. Paul, he brokeded my nose.
Copy !req
675. Okay. Stop crying.
Copy !req
676. All right. We can fix this.
Here we go.
Copy !req
677. Okay. Good, good.
Copy !req
678. How's it look?
Copy !req
679. How's it look? It looks— It looks like—
It looks better than before.
Copy !req
680. - Really?
- Yeah, it's straighter.
Copy !req
681. More distinguished.
Kind of like a young Michael Jackson.
Copy !req
682. I love little Michael.
Copy !req
683. That's great. That's great.
Copy !req
684. I think he did it on purpose.
Copy !req
685. No, he didn't.
Copy !req
686. Okay, maybe he did.
Copy !req
687. You gotta apologize to him.
Come on, Turley.
Copy !req
688. Say you're sorry.
Copy !req
689. Come on. Say it.
Copy !req
690. He said he's sorry.
I got him to say he's sorry.
Copy !req
691. Yeah, yeah. We're all impressed.
Copy !req
692. Looking good, gentlemen.
Way to work hard.
Copy !req
693. Good practice, Paul!
Me and the girls wanna show you
Copy !req
694. - what we've been practicing.
- Okay, hit me.
Copy !req
695. - what we've been practicing.
- Okay, hit me.
Copy !req
696. Come on, let's go. One, two, three.
Copy !req
697. Give me a...
Copy !req
698. D, D, give me a I
I, I, give me a C
Copy !req
699. C, give me a—
Copy !req
700. All right, all right! I got it.
Just save it for the game.
Copy !req
701. Don't act like you ain't
want to see more, Brucie!
Copy !req
702. - Yeah, you wish, pal.
- No, you wish I'd kiss you again,
Copy !req
703. because your breath
smell like eight cans of shark shit.
Copy !req
704. I wouldn't touch her
with a 10-foot pole.
Copy !req
705. - What's he talking about?
- He's a freak.
Copy !req
706. Run, Forrest, run!
Copy !req
707. That's how a white man plays guitar.
Copy !req
708. Captain, he said he had some info.
Copy !req
709. You guys have "Halo 2."
I didn't even think that was out yet.
Copy !req
710. Focus. Turn the music off!
Copy !req
711. Yeah, captain.
You know them convicts?
Copy !req
712. They're starting to get
some serious players.
Copy !req
713. But their biggest threat?
A running back. Megget.
Copy !req
714. - He's good?
- He's fast.
Copy !req
715. He's really, really fast.
Copy !req
716. I mean, he's so fast,
he makes fast people look not fast.
Copy !req
717. I got it, he's fast.
Copy !req
718. Now, why don't you show us your speed
and get your pyro ass out of here.
Copy !req
719. Yes, sir. Here I go. I'm sorry.
Copy !req
720. Any books
you'd recommend, inmate?
Copy !req
721. No, sir.
Copy !req
722. Not much of a reader.
Copy !req
723. Oh, come on, now, maggot.
I've seen you in here reading before.
Copy !req
724. You requested this detail.
Isn't that right?
Copy !req
725. No. It's the quiet time I like, sir.
Copy !req
726. Maybe you'd like to read this.
Copy !req
727. What the hell kind of bullshit
book is that?
Copy !req
728. It's historical. Sir.
Copy !req
729. Now, why would he want to read
a book about a four-eyed nigger?
Copy !req
730. Does the N word
offend you, nigger?
Copy !req
731. No, sir.
Copy !req
732. Sorry about that.
Copy !req
733. You mind fetching
these books for me, boy?
Copy !req
734. No, sir.
Copy !req
735. Just pick them up.
Put them on the table.
Copy !req
736. There you go.
Copy !req
737. You forgot one.
Copy !req
738. Bet you'd like to hit us, huh?
Copy !req
739. Hit you, sir? No.
Copy !req
740. Y'all my friends.
Copy !req
741. Pick these up.
Copy !req
742. Go!
Copy !req
743. Hit me! I'm open! I'm open!
Copy !req
744. Come on! We got one week
before we play that game.
Copy !req
745. We can't complete a pass yet.
Copy !req
746. - Megget can't run the ball every play.
- I know, coach.
Copy !req
747. What the hell is he smiling at?
Copy !req
748. This better be on the up and up.
Copy !req
749. I guarantee it.
Copy !req
750. Let's do this shit.
Copy !req
751. There goes the neighborhood.
Copy !req
752. Now I'll never get to play.
Copy !req
753. Did you see that? Did you see that?
The Deac is here!
Copy !req
754. Nice.
Copy !req
755. Okay, we seal off here, seal off here.
Copy !req
756. - Cheeseburger.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
757. You're just gonna chip this guy...
Copy !req
758. That stings.
Copy !req
759. It's nothing a Quarter Pounder
can't fix.
Copy !req
760. With cheese on it?
Copy !req
761. Hut!
Copy !req
762. Man, that boy would catch a cold
in the desert. Here you go.
Copy !req
763. - Everything's looking up.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
764. Still got one more
pain in the ass to deal with.
Copy !req
765. All right, what do you say?
How about a little best ball?
Copy !req
766. No, I hate that bullshit.
Everyone play their own damn ball.
Copy !req
767. Holy shit, is that Paul Crewe?
Copy !req
768. How do you like that, boys?
The MVP coming to kiss my ass.
Copy !req
769. So, what's on your mind, Paul?
Copy !req
770. Got a problem with inmate Unger.
Copy !req
771. - Is he on your little squad?
- I believe he's on your little squad.
Copy !req
772. Mr. Crewe, would you mind
if we had a picture? Please?
Copy !req
773. That's up to the warden.
Copy !req
774. - Damn it. All right.
- Rewound it. Did everything.
Copy !req
775. - The flash is ready.
- You don't need a flash. It's daylight.
Copy !req
776. Oh, my bad.
I just want a good picture.
Copy !req
777. You know, I think you had sex
with my wife before I married her.
Copy !req
778. - Sorry about that.
- Oh, hell, no.
Copy !req
779. If she's hot enough to have
a one-nighter with a pro football player,
Copy !req
780. I must be doing all right.
Copy !req
781. Okay, here we go.
Copy !req
782. - Sergeant Engleheart?
- Yes, warden.
Copy !req
783. Would you step out
of the picture, please?
Copy !req
784. Yes, sir.
Copy !req
785. - His wife has got the hottest ass.
- Great.
Copy !req
786. Just cut to the chase, shall we?
Copy !req
787. You don't actually think you have
a chance of winning, now, do you?
Copy !req
788. We're gonna get
our asses handed to us.
Copy !req
789. I know it. You know it.
I just don't want my players to know it.
Copy !req
790. Your players?
Copy !req
791. Just when I thought
I had you all figured out.
Copy !req
792. - What does that mean?
- In the time you've been here,
Copy !req
793. you haven't made or received
one telephone call.
Copy !req
794. You haven't opened so much
as a single shred of mail.
Copy !req
795. What do you give a damn
about those slimeballs?
Copy !req
796. You never cared about anybody
in your entire life.
Copy !req
797. Well, maybe I finally found
that sense of family
Copy !req
798. I been yearning for since I'm a baby.
Copy !req
799. And gosh almighty,
Copy !req
800. my new family and l
would sure appreciate it
Copy !req
801. if you got Unger off the field.
You hear?
Copy !req
802. Sergeant Engleheart.
Copy !req
803. Thank you.
Copy !req
804. Oh, and as for your request...
Copy !req
805. you'll have my answer
soon enough.
Copy !req
806. Did it rain last night?
Copy !req
807. Not a drop.
Copy !req
808. Son of a bitch.
Copy !req
809. All right, boys.
Copy !req
810. The warden is trying
to break our spirit.
Copy !req
811. He thinks we're gonna
skip practice today,
Copy !req
812. wait for the field to dry,
make it up tomorrow.
Copy !req
813. You know what? Who gives a shit?
Copy !req
814. Three days till game time.
We can handle it.
Copy !req
815. But let me say this:
Copy !req
816. That old man flooding this field
tells me something.
Copy !req
817. The guy is scared.
Copy !req
818. Scared of you sick,
degenerate convicts.
Copy !req
819. And you know what?
Copy !req
820. He should be.
Copy !req
821. Because I got news for you guys.
Copy !req
822. We're gonna win this thing.
Copy !req
823. Did he say "win"?
Copy !req
824. What's it gonna be, boys?
Copy !req
825. Do we go back to our cells,
call it a day?
Copy !req
826. Or do we get ourselves ready
for the greatest ass-kicking fiesta
Copy !req
827. in the history of football?
Copy !req
828. I'll leave it up to you guys.
Copy !req
829. Hey. You're part
of the goddamn team.
Copy !req
830. Get your point-shaving ass in there.
Copy !req
831. You got it.
Copy !req
832. I guess that asshole Hazen
wants to play dirty.
Copy !req
833. - We all convicts, right?
- Right.
Copy !req
834. Maybe it's time
we started acting like it.
Copy !req
835. Right here. Right here.
Copy !req
836. Take it, Deac.
Copy !req
837. Let's see which guards
have some broken bones.
Copy !req
838. Yeah!
Copy !req
839. Shoes, nigga!
Copy !req
840. Check this out. These be brass
knuckles. They damn near old as me.
Copy !req
841. Hut!
Copy !req
842. That's perfect, Cheeseburger!
Never been better.
Copy !req
843. Good ball. Good ball.
Copy !req
844. Okay.
Copy !req
845. - Who we gonna crush?
- The guards!
Copy !req
846. - Who we gonna kill?
- The guards!
Copy !req
847. - Who we gonna kiss?
- The guards!
Copy !req
848. Gotcha.
Copy !req
849. Lights out!
Copy !req
850. Good night, ladies.
Copy !req
851. - Yo, Crewe!
- Yes, Mr. Caretaker.
Copy !req
852. Check your toilet. There should be
a little surprise in there for you.
Copy !req
853. You took a shit in my toilet?
Copy !req
854. No, that's the surprise
I left in Brucie's toilet.
Copy !req
855. - You got something else.
- All right.
Copy !req
856. Well, would you look at this.
Copy !req
857. A bottle of Ketel One
and two glasses?
Copy !req
858. Now, what would I need two for?
Copy !req
859. Just shut up
and pour me a drink, bitch.
Copy !req
860. - Man, who taught you to be so cool?
- My mama.
Copy !req
861. Now, when I get out of here, I don't
want you to get all Hollywood on us.
Copy !req
862. I want you to meet her.
Copy !req
863. Here, look at my girl.
She's your biggest fan.
Copy !req
864. Your mom's beautiful.
Copy !req
865. And you, you are ugly.
Copy !req
866. Thank you. Got it.
Copy !req
867. Here's to...
Copy !req
868. the first friend I've had
in I don't know how long.
Copy !req
869. Hey, I thought
I was your friend, Paul.
Copy !req
870. You are, Switowski. Just finish your
coloring book and go back to sleep.
Copy !req
871. Okay.
Copy !req
872. And here's to having one of these
with you on the outside,
Copy !req
873. sometime in the next
three to five years.
Copy !req
874. - Yo, Crewe.
- Yes, sir.
Copy !req
875. You being a ex-football player
and all,
Copy !req
876. I'm sure you got a lot
of hot ass on the outside.
Copy !req
877. Well, let's not forget I wasn't
the most popular guy out there.
Copy !req
878. Don't give me that shit.
Copy !req
879. O.J. chopped his wife's head off
and still got some ass.
Copy !req
880. Yeah.
Copy !req
881. My mama taught me not to kiss
and tell. Now, go to sleep.
Copy !req
882. All right. I got one more question
to ask you.
Copy !req
883. Okay. What is it?
Copy !req
884. Why'd you shave those points?
Copy !req
885. Didn't you read the papers?
I'm innocent.
Copy !req
886. Yeah. Ain't we all?
Copy !req
887. Yo, Crewe, what would you say
Copy !req
888. if I could get you film
from the guards' games last year?
Copy !req
889. I would say that's incredible,
but how?
Copy !req
890. Thanks, gentlemen.
Copy !req
891. The warden will be done with him
in 15 minutes.
Copy !req
892. - We can handle him.
- Yes, ma'am.
Copy !req
893. Then you're gonna, ma'am.
Copy !req
894. Nice job.
Copy !req
895. I can't tell you how much this means
to me. Thank you, Lynette.
Copy !req
896. Now Nate can study
all the guards' formations.
Copy !req
897. Not so fast, sugar bear.
Copy !req
898. You gotta earn them.
Copy !req
899. We only got 15 minutes,
Copy !req
900. but, sunshine, we're gonna
make them all count.
Copy !req
901. One more, please?
Copy !req
902. Let's go.
Copy !req
903. - Quiet down. Guys.
- Let's go.
Copy !req
904. Before we watch the guards'
game film from last season,
Copy !req
905. we have a special presentation
from our very own Mr. Paul Crewe.
Copy !req
906. What are you talking about?
Copy !req
907. What's going on?
Copy !req
908. Now I gotta relive this shit?
Copy !req
909. Yeah!
Copy !req
910. You can say this,
my man's a team player!
Copy !req
911. You know what they say. Once
you go gray, there ain't no other way!
Copy !req
912. Hey, hey, hey. Brucie! Brucie!
I'm glad you think that's funny,
Copy !req
913. because I got something pretty funny
to show you guys.
Copy !req
914. Tony, hit it. You're gonna like this.
Copy !req
915. - What the hell is this?
- What? It's good. It keeps going.
Copy !req
916. - Hi.
- Here I am.
Copy !req
917. Turn this shit off. Turn it off.
Copy !req
918. No!
Copy !req
919. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very funny.
Trick photography.
Copy !req
920. Nothing happened.
Nothing happened.
Copy !req
921. I was showing a little wrestling move.
That's all.
Copy !req
922. Knock it off!
Copy !req
923. Knock it off!
Copy !req
924. It's time we took a look
at what we came here to see
Copy !req
925. before the guards come back.
Copy !req
926. The first film is the guards' offense
against Texas Southern.
Copy !req
927. Now, as you can see,
they're running a standard wishbone.
Copy !req
928. So you're telling me that these animals
are watching our game films.
Copy !req
929. - Is that right?
- Yes, sir, boss.
Copy !req
930. They got all last season.
Copy !req
931. Seems to me that we ought to
do something about this.
Copy !req
932. What do you want me to do?
Copy !req
933. You're the criminal. Be creative.
Copy !req
934. But on game day, if I so much as—
Copy !req
935. What are you doing?
Copy !req
936. I don't know.
I've had hot flashes all shift,
Copy !req
937. and now my nipples are killing me.
Copy !req
938. Why are we talking about
your nipples?
Copy !req
939. We're not. Just go do
what you're doing there.
Copy !req
940. Guys.
Copy !req
941. I want Crewe finished.
Copy !req
942. Yes, sir. You give me the inspiration,
sir. I got something for him.
Copy !req
943. Hut!
Copy !req
944. Everybody!
Copy !req
945. Huddle up!
Copy !req
946. Every day we've been taking shit,
for a long time.
Copy !req
947. Tomorrow, payback.
Now, think about that for a second.
Copy !req
948. - What time is it?
- Game time!
Copy !req
949. - What time is it?
- Game time!
Copy !req
950. - What time is it?
- Game time!
Copy !req
951. Tomorrow, 12:00, the bus leaves.
Don't be late!
Copy !req
952. Where the hell is Caretaker?
Copy !req
953. I don't know.
Copy !req
954. A gift for you, Mr. Crewe.
Copy !req
955. How does he listen
to that cracker shit?
Copy !req
956. We're here deep in the heart
of toothless country,
Copy !req
957. coming to you from a simple
Texas high school stadium
Copy !req
958. that's been retrofitted
for the big event.
Copy !req
959. Now, when my man T ravis
tried to drag me out here, I said,
Copy !req
960. "What are you, brain-dead from
talking to too many Raider fans?
Copy !req
961. It's not going to work."
Copy !req
962. But the fact of the matter is,
this could shape up as an epic day.
Copy !req
963. Hot-dog vendors, high-powered rifles,
I love the combination.
Copy !req
964. And apparently so do the fans.
Copy !req
965. Hey, shitheads! Listen up!
Copy !req
966. Everybody on their feet
for the warden.
Copy !req
967. Anthony, wow. You can sit down.
Copy !req
968. Thank God.
Copy !req
969. Gentlemen, Texas marshals
have been kind enough
Copy !req
970. to supply us with a dozen
of their finest sharpshooters.
Copy !req
971. So for those of you thinking
of mingling with the civilians
Copy !req
972. or trying to make a break for it,
Copy !req
973. you will be shot.
Copy !req
974. In the head.
Copy !req
975. Now, let's all go out there
and have some fun!
Copy !req
976. Crewe! I'll see you on the field!
Copy !req
977. I think he's in love with you.
Copy !req
978. All right, listen up.
Copy !req
979. I know it's hard to get psyched for
the game without Caretaker being here.
Copy !req
980. But somehow that sick,
skinny bastard
Copy !req
981. found a way to get us all fired up
from beyond the grave.
Copy !req
982. Caretaker's last gift to us.
Copy !req
983. Battle, I presume this is yours.
Copy !req
984. I still don't think that's big enough.
Copy !req
985. - That's it?
- No, that ain't it.
Copy !req
986. Caretaker said he'd find us
some gear to wear.
Copy !req
987. I think he found us a name too.
Copy !req
988. Mean Machine! Mean Machine!
Mean Machine! Mean Machine!
Copy !req
989. Good afternoon and welcome to a
very special edition of ESPN football.
Copy !req
990. As today, the semipro
Allenville Federal Prison guards
Copy !req
991. will be taking on the very prisoners
they guard.
Copy !req
992. And with this special game, folks,
comes a special broadcast,
Copy !req
993. as I'm joined in the booth
by Baby Face Bob.
Copy !req
994. Say hi to the folks, Bob-O.
Copy !req
995. Chris, we went to a commercial.
Copy !req
996. This job, Bob,
it's a lot of give and take.
Copy !req
997. So when I bring you in,
don't be afraid to talk to the folks.
Copy !req
998. Unless you don't want to.
Copy !req
999. And here come the cons,
Copy !req
1000. led by former NFL MVP quarterback
Paul Crewe.
Copy !req
1001. Holy shit. Hey, hey, hey.
Copy !req
1002. Well, hello. How are you?
Copy !req
1003. Back away from the girls!
Copy !req
1004. - Hey, now.
- Call me!
Copy !req
1005. What the hell
are you dressed up for?
Copy !req
1006. Hey, I didn't spend 14 years
in the joint just to watch this game.
Copy !req
1007. And there in the
high-security bleachers
Copy !req
1008. are the good-behavior cons,
along with their...
Copy !req
1009. cheerleaders?
Copy !req
1010. We're the mean machine
Don't mean to dis you
Copy !req
1011. We're gonna kick your ass
And then we'll kiss you
Copy !req
1012. Hey! Ho!
What?
Copy !req
1013. I didn't do it!
Copy !req
1014. Come on, Batt!
Copy !req
1015. - What's that?
- Did you see that?
Copy !req
1016. Damn it!
Copy !req
1017. Papajohn's at the 20, the 10.
And he will score.
Copy !req
1018. Sweet dreams, bitch.
Copy !req
1019. That's a 90-yard return.
Copy !req
1020. And I gotta tell you, the cons seem
more interested in hitting the guards
Copy !req
1021. than tackling the ball carrier.
Copy !req
1022. Hey, Mom. Hey, Dad.
Thanks for picking me up from school.
Copy !req
1023. And here comes the big story
of the day.
Copy !req
1024. Paul Crewe,
serving a three-year sentence,
Copy !req
1025. hasn't played since he was banned
from the NFL six years ago.
Copy !req
1026. Center, shift it! Shift it!
Copy !req
1027. Hey, Sasquatch!
Copy !req
1028. Twenty, hut!
Copy !req
1029. Crewe drops back to pass.
Turley's leaving him unprotected.
Copy !req
1030. Fumble!
Copy !req
1031. Holy shit!
Copy !req
1032. Goddamn it.
Copy !req
1033. That's gonna be a personal foul
on the big guy.
Copy !req
1034. And this is certainly an inauspicious
start for the cons.
Copy !req
1035. Come here! All right! You got him.
Now, protect me!
Copy !req
1036. Let's go! Hold them!
Copy !req
1037. And here comes Knauer and that
big offensive unit for the guards.
Copy !req
1038. Eighty-six.
Copy !req
1039. Back to your cell.
Copy !req
1040. Hut! Hut!
Copy !req
1041. Knauer has Potter wide open.
Touchdown, guards.
Copy !req
1042. - Son of a bitch!
- And in the first 90 seconds,
Copy !req
1043. the guards are up
by two touchdowns.
Copy !req
1044. This one looks like
it could be over early.
Copy !req
1045. Sorry.
Copy !req
1046. What are we celebrating for?
It's 14-nothing!
Copy !req
1047. You guys wanna beat these assholes,
do it on the scoreboard!
Copy !req
1048. Are you okay? Oh, God,
you're not hurt, are you?
Copy !req
1049. Jesus, you sound like my mother.
Copy !req
1050. Listen, if you wanna cry,
you go ahead and cry. I'll cry with you.
Copy !req
1051. Get off me! Get back out there
and kick some ass!
Copy !req
1052. Why are you yelling at me?
All I did was care!
Copy !req
1053. Look! A broken leg will heal.
Copy !req
1054. A loss to the Mean Machine
lasts forever.
Copy !req
1055. Sorry, guys.
Copy !req
1056. Yeah, yeah. Me too.
Copy !req
1057. All right. Now, let's get started!
Copy !req
1058. Now, get the hell out there! Let's go!
Copy !req
1059. Way to go! Way to go!
Copy !req
1060. There's the first sign of life
from the cons.
Copy !req
1061. Let's see if Paul "Motley" Crewe
can make something happen.
Copy !req
1062. Hut!
Copy !req
1063. On first down, Crewe will throw.
He's got Deacon wide open.
Copy !req
1064. That's gotta be pass interference.
Copy !req
1065. But the ref is waving it off.
Copy !req
1066. - What?
- Oh, come on!
Copy !req
1067. Come on, now. I'm in this hellhole
for less than that.
Copy !req
1068. - Be a man and make a call.
- You're right.
Copy !req
1069. Unsportsmanlike conduct!
Eighty-eight black!
Copy !req
1070. What?
Copy !req
1071. Come on!
Copy !req
1072. This is baby-back bullshit!
Copy !req
1073. - Bullshit, D.
- Calm down. Let it go.
Copy !req
1074. Let's call that one
a questionable call.
Copy !req
1075. Blue 42, hut!
Copy !req
1076. The give is to Megget. He spins
to the outside. Megget has room.
Copy !req
1077. He's at the 35. The 40.
Copy !req
1078. He's brought down hard,
by his facemask.
Copy !req
1079. What? Oh, come on, man!
That was a facemask!
Copy !req
1080. - You're not gonna call that?
- I saw a clean tackle, sir.
Copy !req
1081. What you looking at?
Are you serious?
Copy !req
1082. Tell it to the parole board, criminal.
Copy !req
1083. I mean, this is absurd.
Copy !req
1084. We can't win with the refs
on the payroll!
Copy !req
1085. Listen up. I got an idea
to end all this bullshit.
Copy !req
1086. Come on, let's all stay up! Come on!
Copy !req
1087. Down, set!
Copy !req
1088. Red 58.
Copy !req
1089. Cover your man!
Copy !req
1090. Red 58. Hut!
Copy !req
1091. That one hurt my marble sack.
Copy !req
1092. All right!
Copy !req
1093. - You all right?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1094. - What down is it?
- Fifth.
Copy !req
1095. - No, no. It would be fourth down.
- Okay.
Copy !req
1096. What do you think?
Should I go for the left nut this time?
Copy !req
1097. Underneath! Let's go!
Copy !req
1098. Ref, you gotta get in the game!
Right over here!
Copy !req
1099. Well, I don't quite get this, but on fourth
and 22, the cons are gonna go for it.
Copy !req
1100. Down, set!
Copy !req
1101. Red 58.
Copy !req
1102. Red 58. Hut!
Copy !req
1103. You gotta always protect
the McNuggets.
Copy !req
1104. How about from now on, you call
a fair game? How's that sound?
Copy !req
1105. Sounds good.
Copy !req
1106. Okay. Wet Willie.
Copy !req
1107. Yeah, you like that.
Copy !req
1108. And so the guards will take over
Copy !req
1109. after one of the strangest
offensive series I've ever seen.
Copy !req
1110. Okay, boys. We know who doesn't
have any balls out there now.
Copy !req
1111. Have we got any?
Have we got some balls?
Copy !req
1112. - Yeah!
- All right! Let's go kick some ass!
Copy !req
1113. Come on, Swit, stand them up, baby.
Copy !req
1114. White 50. White 50. Hut, hut, hut!
Copy !req
1115. Knauer, play action.
Here comes the blitz.
Copy !req
1116. Switowski is so big, it's like being
tackled by a Coke machine with legs.
Copy !req
1117. This is fun!
Copy !req
1118. Nice to see you smiling, Bob.
Copy !req
1119. Thanks, Chris.
Copy !req
1120. Green 90! Hut!
Copy !req
1121. Third and 5,
and the give is to Megget.
Copy !req
1122. He's to the 40,
where he'll come up short.
Copy !req
1123. But look at Turley push the pile.
Copy !req
1124. And now Crewe.
Copy !req
1125. And that's a first down!
Copy !req
1126. And look out. Boy, somebody better
take control of this game soon,
Copy !req
1127. or they're gonna need body bags
on the sidelines.
Copy !req
1128. Let's go, guys.
Copy !req
1129. Start of the second quarter.
Copy !req
1130. Cons still down by two touchdowns,
but they finally have some momentum.
Copy !req
1131. Hut!
Copy !req
1132. Crewe with a shovel pass to Megget.
Copy !req
1133. And Megget scrambles
for a first down.
Copy !req
1134. Oh, you fooled me.
Copy !req
1135. - I got you there, didn't l?
- You did.
Copy !req
1136. You know, Engleheart, you are
the best-looking guy on your team.
Copy !req
1137. You know, Paul, in the midst of all this,
for you to say something like that is...
Copy !req
1138. Come on, let's go. Let's go, D.
Copy !req
1139. First and 10 at the guards' 35.
Copy !req
1140. Crewe dumps it over the middle
to Deacon Moss.
Copy !req
1141. And he's hammered at the 17 for a
13-yard pickup, and that's a first down.
Copy !req
1142. - Hut!
- Crewe, trying to get his team
Copy !req
1143. on the scoreboard.
Copy !req
1144. He will throw.
Copy !req
1145. And it's caught by Deacon Moss
for a touchdown!
Copy !req
1146. All right!
Copy !req
1147. And so there'll be no shutout today,
as the cons are on the board.
Copy !req
1148. Quit booing, people.
Both teams are trying very hard!
Copy !req
1149. What the hell's wrong with you?
Stop acting like a damn cheerleader!
Copy !req
1150. - Sportsmanship, try it.
- Shut up.
Copy !req
1151. Damn.
Copy !req
1152. 2:11 left in the first half.
And Dunham is back in at fullback.
Copy !req
1153. And he is a load, at 6'2", 260.
Copy !req
1154. Dunham, breaking tackles.
Copy !req
1155. He refuses to go down.
Copy !req
1156. But he finally does
after a 15-yard gain.
Copy !req
1157. That's how a white man
runs a football.
Copy !req
1158. If I was on D, I'd crack you square
in that egg-ass head of yours.
Copy !req
1159. Yeah, but you ain't on D.
Are you, bitch?
Copy !req
1160. Switowski! Come here.
Copy !req
1161. Do you know what
he said to me in the library?
Copy !req
1162. Yes. Him. Out.
Copy !req
1163. D, D, defense
D, D, defense
Copy !req
1164. The cons don't seem to have
an answer for Dunham,
Copy !req
1165. who's averaging close to 12 yards
a carry this half.
Copy !req
1166. Green 67.
Copy !req
1167. Green 67. Hut!
Copy !req
1168. Oh, what a hit on Dunham
by Switowski.
Copy !req
1169. I think I made him shit himself.
Copy !req
1170. - Shit!
- I think he just shit himself.
Copy !req
1171. I think he just shit himself.
Copy !req
1172. Good Lord.
This guy shit himself bigtime.
Copy !req
1173. See? I told you
I made him shit himself!
Copy !req
1174. Yo! I'll make sure I send
them books to the hospital, pimp.
Copy !req
1175. And some diapers.
Copy !req
1176. Nineteen seconds.
We got a lot of ground to cover.
Copy !req
1177. So you bastards remember
that play we practiced in the mud?
Copy !req
1178. What are you talking about?
That was some schoolyard bullshit.
Copy !req
1179. Yeah. Let's try some
schoolyard bullshit.
Copy !req
1180. Come on, D, let's go.
Copy !req
1181. Down, set! Green 88.
Copy !req
1182. Green 88. Hut!
Copy !req
1183. The clock starts to run. Crewe hands
the ball to Megget. It's a reverse.
Copy !req
1184. Cheeseburger Eddy's got it.
Copy !req
1185. Go, baby, go!
Copy !req
1186. He laterals to Deacon.
Copy !req
1187. T ackle him!
Copy !req
1188. To Turley.
Copy !req
1189. The clock is running. To Brucie.
Copy !req
1190. Shades of Cal-Stanford.
Copy !req
1191. Back to Crewe.
Copy !req
1192. He tosses to Megget.
Copy !req
1193. T ackle him!
Copy !req
1194. And look at that little Megget run.
Copy !req
1195. Three seconds left.
Copy !req
1196. Yeah! Go!
Copy !req
1197. He could go all the way. Touchdown!
Copy !req
1198. Did you see that?
Copy !req
1199. Do that sound again.
Copy !req
1200. I like that.
Copy !req
1201. And so, on a miraculous play,
Copy !req
1202. the cons end the first half
with the score: 14-all.
Copy !req
1203. Bring it in.
Copy !req
1204. Do you have any idea
who's beating you out there?
Copy !req
1205. This was supposed to be a blowout,
Copy !req
1206. and they're showing you up
in front of the whole nation.
Copy !req
1207. The whole nation!
Copy !req
1208. I like it when he's angry.
Copy !req
1209. - I told you!
- Way to go, baby, way to go.
Copy !req
1210. What in the hell do you think
you're doing out there?
Copy !req
1211. Playing football, sir.
Copy !req
1212. I didn't say nothing about winning.
Copy !req
1213. We're not winning. Not yet.
Copy !req
1214. You got yourself in quite
a predicament, Mr. Crewe.
Copy !req
1215. - Is that right?
- See, it's just come to my attention
Copy !req
1216. that inmate Unger
has been taken into custody
Copy !req
1217. for the murder of Caretaker.
Copy !req
1218. - Good.
- Oh, yeah, it's good.
Copy !req
1219. Only thing is, he claims
to have an accomplice.
Copy !req
1220. Claims you knew all about it.
Copy !req
1221. Hell, he even says
you sent Caretaker to your cell.
Copy !req
1222. Bullshit.
Copy !req
1223. Captain Knauer says
he saw you planning it with Unger.
Copy !req
1224. There's no way
that could hold up in court.
Copy !req
1225. Court?
Copy !req
1226. Hell, boy, in Allenville,
I'm the judge, I'm the jury,
Copy !req
1227. and in your particular case,
I'm the executioner.
Copy !req
1228. What do you want?
Copy !req
1229. I want you to lose.
Copy !req
1230. I can't do that.
Copy !req
1231. Of course you can. After all,
you've had plenty of practice.
Copy !req
1232. But the men. It's more important
to them than it is to you.
Copy !req
1233. Okay. Suit yourself.
Copy !req
1234. Spend the next 25 years
of your useless life in prison.
Copy !req
1235. All right, I'll do it.
Copy !req
1236. But I don't want my guys hurt.
You get ahead, you coast. We clear?
Copy !req
1237. Fine. Right after I get
a two-touchdown lead.
Copy !req
1238. I tell you what bothers me
the most, warden.
Copy !req
1239. That you're not gonna be
out there on that field with us,
Copy !req
1240. getting what you got coming to you.
Copy !req
1241. The only thing coming to me
is victory.
Copy !req
1242. Mean Machine.
Copy !req
1243. It's cute.
Copy !req
1244. - Let's go, boy!
- We can do it, baby!
Copy !req
1245. Captain.
Copy !req
1246. May I have a word?
Copy !req
1247. Don't worry, warden,
we'll take care of business.
Copy !req
1248. I already have.
Copy !req
1249. What? We can win this on our own.
Copy !req
1250. Captain, a man in my position
doesn't leave things to chance.
Copy !req
1251. Now, after you get a comfortable
three-touchdown lead,
Copy !req
1252. I want you to inflict as much pain
as humanly possible.
Copy !req
1253. Do not let up, you hear?
Copy !req
1254. I want those cons to understand
who owns them.
Copy !req
1255. Do I make myself clear?
Copy !req
1256. Oh, yes, sir.
Copy !req
1257. Good.
Copy !req
1258. There's the kickoff, and we're
under way in the second half.
Copy !req
1259. Megget is finally brought down
at the guards' 33,
Copy !req
1260. where Paul Crewe will take over.
Copy !req
1261. And what a first half he's had.
Copy !req
1262. Here we go! Here we go!
Copy !req
1263. Down, set!
Copy !req
1264. Y 45. Hut!
Copy !req
1265. On first and 10, Crewe will pass.
Copy !req
1266. - He's got Deacon wide open.
- Come on.
Copy !req
1267. Oh, incomplete.
Copy !req
1268. It's okay. Get your head up.
Copy !req
1269. It's all right, man.
Copy !req
1270. Come on, Paulie.
Copy !req
1271. Second and 10 from the 33. Crewe's
looking for Deacon once again.
Copy !req
1272. - He's open!
- He's open!
Copy !req
1273. But overthrows it.
And it's picked off by Papajohn.
Copy !req
1274. Look out! He might go.
Copy !req
1275. Say goodbye.
Copy !req
1276. Touchdown!
Copy !req
1277. The first mistake
Crewe's made all day.
Copy !req
1278. Short memory, baby.
We'll get it back. We'll get it back.
Copy !req
1279. Defense, let's do this!
Copy !req
1280. 8:38 left in the third quarter,
Copy !req
1281. and Crewe has struggled
thus far in the second half.
Copy !req
1282. Hut!
Copy !req
1283. The pitch to Megget.
Oh, my! That ball is live!
Copy !req
1284. It's picked up by Lambert.
Copy !req
1285. He's at the 15, the 10,
and he will score!
Copy !req
1286. Yeah! T ouchdown! Yeah!
Copy !req
1287. Crewe took a shot on that play
and he's getting up slowly.
Copy !req
1288. Meanwhile, in the end zone, the guards
have something to celebrate,
Copy !req
1289. as they find themselves up
by two touchdowns.
Copy !req
1290. This is simply a different Paul Crewe
we're seeing here in the second half.
Copy !req
1291. There's the old Paul Crewe
we love to write about.
Copy !req
1292. What the hell are you
doing out there?
Copy !req
1293. I'm done.
Copy !req
1294. I'm out. That's it.
Copy !req
1295. - Where you hurting?
- My knee.
Copy !req
1296. - Seems okay to me.
- Well, it ain't.
Copy !req
1297. If Crewe can't go, I don't know how
deep these guys are at quarterback.
Copy !req
1298. The guards will try to keep it away
from Megget, so they'll pooch kick.
Copy !req
1299. Fair catch. Fair catch.
Copy !req
1300. As Big Tony calls for the fair catch.
Copy !req
1301. Watch out. That was as late a hit
as I've ever seen.
Copy !req
1302. And even some of the home crowd
not liking that one.
Copy !req
1303. Hang in there, partner.
Copy !req
1304. Can of corn. Can of corn,
and I'll be fine. Can of corn.
Copy !req
1305. Yeah, I'd have a hard time
looking at me too.
Copy !req
1306. Brucie.
Copy !req
1307. Yeah, coach.
Copy !req
1308. You're the only one that knows
this offense, son. Now, do it.
Copy !req
1309. is number 1, Brucie.
Copy !req
1310. All right, all right.
Crewe's playing like shit.
Copy !req
1311. That's his problem.
I'm gonna bring us back.
Copy !req
1312. Right, 32 Flex Dive Motion
on one. Ready!
Copy !req
1313. Break!
Copy !req
1314. Yeah. It's Brucie's
time to shine, baby.
Copy !req
1315. Okay. Down, set. Hut!
Copy !req
1316. There's the snap and the ball is
fumbled. And the guards recover.
Copy !req
1317. I knew I shouldn't
have had that popcorn.
Copy !req
1318. The guards are in command here
as we move late into the third quarter.
Copy !req
1319. Ninety-eight. Hut! Hut!
Copy !req
1320. The give is to Potter.
Back to Knauer.
Copy !req
1321. He's got a man open
deep downfield.
Copy !req
1322. He'll throw the flea-flicker!
Copy !req
1323. And he's got it. Touchdown, guards.
Copy !req
1324. And this game is starting
to look like a blowout.
Copy !req
1325. Hey, man, after all Caretaker did,
this is how you show him love?
Copy !req
1326. Don't worry about it.
Copy !req
1327. You haven't changed one damn bit.
Copy !req
1328. All right. Down, set!
Copy !req
1329. Back in at quarterback is Brucie,
Copy !req
1330. who will try to find a handle
on the ball this time.
Copy !req
1331. Throw it, Brucie!
Copy !req
1332. Oh, shit!
Copy !req
1333. And look out.
Copy !req
1334. What a shot he took!
Copy !req
1335. How much more blood do you want?
Copy !req
1336. I think the cons are just about
out of options at quarterback.
Copy !req
1337. Hey, Skitchy,
let me ask you something.
Copy !req
1338. When you popped the warden,
was it worth it?
Copy !req
1339. Was it worth spending
the rest of your life in here?
Copy !req
1340. Was it worth it? It was worth
every goddamn second.
Copy !req
1341. What the hell is he doing?
Copy !req
1342. Paul Crewe must be feeling better,
because here he comes.
Copy !req
1343. All right, I missed you guys,
so I'm back.
Copy !req
1344. We got a lot of work to do.
Let's get it going.
Copy !req
1345. Deuce right, 89. Fly on two. Ready?
Copy !req
1346. Break.
Copy !req
1347. As we start the fourth quarter,
cons down by three touchdowns.
Copy !req
1348. Wide left! Tight left!
Copy !req
1349. Black 90. Hut! Hut!
Copy !req
1350. Here comes the blitz,
and no one's blocking!
Copy !req
1351. And Crewe will be sacked
for a big loss.
Copy !req
1352. That looked like a message to Crewe
from his offensive line.
Copy !req
1353. Did you see that, man?
They're quitting on him.
Copy !req
1354. Okay, baby. Jailbreak Blitz. Ready?
Copy !req
1355. We got that out of the way.
I deserved it.
Copy !req
1356. - Now we gotta play some football.
- Switch it! Switch it!
Copy !req
1357. Cons need to do something
to get back in this game.
Copy !req
1358. And that's not it!
Copy !req
1359. And Crewe is leveled!
Copy !req
1360. I don't think he's gonna get up
from that one.
Copy !req
1361. Nice hit!
Copy !req
1362. But he is. And I don't know how,
after that last hit.
Copy !req
1363. All right, punt team!
Copy !req
1364. Keep them off the field!
We're going for it.
Copy !req
1365. Dumbshits are going for it!
Let's go! Let's go!
Copy !req
1366. Come on back, if he wants to get
his ass kicked. Come on back.
Copy !req
1367. This is unbelievable.
Copy !req
1368. Fine. You guys don't wanna help me,
I'll do it on my own. On two.
Copy !req
1369. Let's go, to the line.
Copy !req
1370. On fourth and 20,
Copy !req
1371. the cons are gonna go for it.
This could be the ball game right here.
Copy !req
1372. Red 98. Hut! Hut!
Copy !req
1373. Crewe dodges the blitz,
but he loses his helmet.
Copy !req
1374. And he's not going down.
Copy !req
1375. He's got the first down.
Copy !req
1376. Time-out!
Copy !req
1377. - Man, oh, man.
- Not bad.
Copy !req
1378. Huddle up.
Copy !req
1379. Look.
Copy !req
1380. I'm sure you already know this,
but I never said it out loud.
Copy !req
1381. I did throw that game.
Copy !req
1382. I did it.
Copy !req
1383. I was in a bad way
with some worse people.
Copy !req
1384. After I did it,
Copy !req
1385. I felt so shitty I wish I would have
just let them kill me instead.
Copy !req
1386. Now the warden wants to pin
Caretaker's murder on me
Copy !req
1387. if I don't throw this game.
Copy !req
1388. So it looks like I'm gonna get
to know you guys a lot better,
Copy !req
1389. because I ain't doing that
twice in a lifetime.
Copy !req
1390. We got a little time left.
We can still do this.
Copy !req
1391. I'm begging you.
Put your hands in here.
Copy !req
1392. Okay. Thank you. Now, who are we?
Copy !req
1393. Mean Machine!
Copy !req
1394. Come on, Mean Machine, let's go!
Copy !req
1395. That's great news.
Copy !req
1396. All right. We got ourselves a game.
Copy !req
1397. Brown 65. Hut!
Copy !req
1398. First and 10 from the 30.
Crewe finds Deacon open in the flat.
Copy !req
1399. Hut!
Copy !req
1400. The give is to Megget. And he fights
his way for a 9-yard gain.
Copy !req
1401. One yard, baby. One more yard.
Copy !req
1402. Hut! Hut!
Copy !req
1403. Crewe tries a sneak. Or is it?
Copy !req
1404. He flips it back to Megget.
Copy !req
1405. Megget's got the first down
and more.
Copy !req
1406. And Megget is down to the 4-yard
line, where it'll be first and goal.
Copy !req
1407. Hut!
Copy !req
1408. Crewe hands it to Turley.
And look at the big man go.
Copy !req
1409. T ackle him!
Copy !req
1410. Touchdown!
Copy !req
1411. That was some rumbling, bumbling
stumbling right there.
Copy !req
1412. And listen to the crowd
Copy !req
1413. as this underdog con team
is starting to win them over.
Copy !req
1414. Third down and 6. Guards have
the ball on their own 29-yard line.
Copy !req
1415. Knauer needs a first down
to put this game away.
Copy !req
1416. White 50!
Copy !req
1417. White 50!
Copy !req
1418. And look at Battle take off.
Copy !req
1419. He knocks the ball loose!
Copy !req
1420. There's a dogpile in the backfield.
The refs are trying to sort it out.
Copy !req
1421. My arm!
Copy !req
1422. The cons recover!
Copy !req
1423. We got the ball! We got the ball!
We got it! We got it!
Copy !req
1424. With just over two minutes left to be
played, this has turned into a game.
Copy !req
1425. Crewe will start in great field position
at the guards' 25.
Copy !req
1426. And look at this formation.
The guards, they're confused.
Copy !req
1427. Shift over! Move!
Copy !req
1428. They're trying to call time-out,
but there's the snap.
Copy !req
1429. Moss is behind a wall of cons. I
wouldn't wanna be in front of that thing.
Copy !req
1430. And they'll score!
Copy !req
1431. - Hey! Is that legal?
- Yeah, it is.
Copy !req
1432. - Is that a touchdown?
- Yes, it is.
Copy !req
1433. What is going on here? Shit!
Copy !req
1434. And with the extra point,
the cons are down by just seven.
Copy !req
1435. - Brucie!
- Yeah. Yeah, coach.
Copy !req
1436. I want you to go out there
and kick off.
Copy !req
1437. - I can do it.
- Kick off!
Copy !req
1438. Brucie can't kick worth a shit.
Copy !req
1439. I know. Recover the ball.
Copy !req
1440. Jesus Christ, my savior.
If you help me out with this one,
Copy !req
1441. I promise to stop cheating on my wife
with black guys. Amen.
Copy !req
1442. Back in the game is Brucie,
and he'll do the honors.
Copy !req
1443. And it's a horrible kick.
Copy !req
1444. But the ball is tipped!
Copy !req
1445. And the cons have come up with it!
Copy !req
1446. - We got it! One time-out.
- Got it. Got it.
Copy !req
1447. That's it, Brucie. Hey, hey!
My bad. My bad. My bad. Come on.
Copy !req
1448. Give me that.
Copy !req
1449. Damn—
Copy !req
1450. Well, that felt unnecessary.
Copy !req
1451. Cons have enough time
for one final drive.
Copy !req
1452. Crewe drops back to pass.
He's under pressure.
Copy !req
1453. - Watch the pass!
- He's looking for Deacon.
Copy !req
1454. He gets the ball up, but he's leveled.
Copy !req
1455. And Deacon's got it for a first down,
but he stayed inbounds.
Copy !req
1456. Tick, tick, tick.
The clock keeps running.
Copy !req
1457. Clock's running. Clock's still running!
Clock's still running!
Copy !req
1458. On the ball!
Copy !req
1459. Goddamn it! Do something!
Copy !req
1460. Hut!
Copy !req
1461. Crewe. He's looking to throw.
Under pressure again.
Copy !req
1462. Go! Get rid of it! Go! Go!
Copy !req
1463. He pitches it to Megget.
He's got some room.
Copy !req
1464. Here we go. Here we go.
Go, Megg! Go, Megget!
Copy !req
1465. - Go, Megget!
- Get him!
Copy !req
1466. He could go all the way!
Copy !req
1467. But he won't!
Copy !req
1468. Goddamn it!
Copy !req
1469. And Megget is hit hard
at the 4, and he's hurt.
Copy !req
1470. My knee, man!
Copy !req
1471. You busted your knee for us,
we'll bust our ass for you.
Copy !req
1472. Hey, coach, I need a back!
Copy !req
1473. Just win this shit.
Copy !req
1474. I'm going in.
Copy !req
1475. Coach, you serious?
Copy !req
1476. Yeah, I'm serious.
Copy !req
1477. And look who's
coming into the game.
Copy !req
1478. You can do it!
Copy !req
1479. Get that old ass of yours
in the end zone!
Copy !req
1480. We gotta win this thing! Come on!
Copy !req
1481. No, no, no. Hey, old man.
Copy !req
1482. Absolutely not.
You're gonna get killed out here.
Copy !req
1483. They've been trying that for years.
Don't worry, I got the perfect play.
Copy !req
1484. - I ain't handing you the ball.
- You don't have to.
Copy !req
1485. Nate Scarborough, the former
Heisman Trophy winner from 1955,
Copy !req
1486. is gonna play tailback,
Copy !req
1487. but he's gotta be in there more
for moral support than anything.
Copy !req
1488. Mean Machine. Mean Machine.
Copy !req
1489. Mean Machine. Mean Machine.
Copy !req
1490. Mean Machine, Mean Machine
Mean Machine
Copy !req
1491. Mean Machine!
Copy !req
1492. Mean Machine!
Copy !req
1493. Six seconds left on the clock.
Cons down by seven.
Copy !req
1494. They must score on this play.
Copy !req
1495. Don't let them through!
Copy !req
1496. Down, set!
Copy !req
1497. - Black 99!
- Come on, D!
Copy !req
1498. Black 99! Hut! Hut!
Copy !req
1499. Black 99! Hut! Hut!
Copy !req
1500. The give is to the big man, Turley.
Copy !req
1501. He's stopped by Lambert
at the line for no gain.
Copy !req
1502. No! Wait!
Copy !req
1503. The ball's picked up
by Scarborough.
Copy !req
1504. Come on!
Copy !req
1505. Touchdown!
Copy !req
1506. What an amazing comeback, folks!
Copy !req
1507. Taking a play from
the old Nebraska playbook.
Copy !req
1508. The Fumblerooskie.
Copy !req
1509. Easy. Easy.
Copy !req
1510. You still alive, old man?
Copy !req
1511. Never felt better in my life.
Copy !req
1512. You're a sick bastard. Come here.
Copy !req
1513. All right.
Copy !req
1514. And now the cons are a mere
extra point away from overtime.
Copy !req
1515. Mean Machine!
Copy !req
1516. Team vote: We go for the win?
We go for the tie?
Copy !req
1517. Hell, guys, we're convicts.
We always go for it all.
Copy !req
1518. Unfortunately, that's why
we're all in the joint.
Copy !req
1519. What would Caretaker do?
Copy !req
1520. Give me that blackboard.
Copy !req
1521. Yeah, come on!
Copy !req
1522. Come on.
Copy !req
1523. Are you serious?
Copy !req
1524. I don't know. That play is wack.
Copy !req
1525. It's gonna work.
Copy !req
1526. It's gonna work. Let's go. On the ball.
Copy !req
1527. Come on! Let's go!
Copy !req
1528. Let's go, y'all! Let's go!
Copy !req
1529. I think it's gonna work.
Copy !req
1530. Get them out there.
Copy !req
1531. And wait a minute.
Crewe is coming back into the game.
Copy !req
1532. The cons are gonna go for the win.
Copy !req
1533. They're going for it.
Copy !req
1534. Crewe, trying to settle his team
into formation.
Copy !req
1535. But there seems to be
a lot of confusion.
Copy !req
1536. Come on! Run the play!
Copy !req
1537. Turley! Turley. Over here.
Copy !req
1538. Move your giant ass right here!
Right here.
Copy !req
1539. Come on, baby. Come on.
Copy !req
1540. The play clock is still running.
Crewe better call a time-out.
Copy !req
1541. Come on, Crewe!
Copy !req
1542. They don't know what we're doing!
Copy !req
1543. Run the play we set up.
Copy !req
1544. I think you're still dizzy from that hit!
Copy !req
1545. The snap is to Deacon.
Copy !req
1546. It's a trick.
Copy !req
1547. He throws it to Crewe.
Copy !req
1548. They did it! Unbelievable!
Copy !req
1549. The cons win!
Copy !req
1550. We win!
Copy !req
1551. Group hug in the shower tonight!
Copy !req
1552. Or not. Or not.
Copy !req
1553. Well, there you have it.
Copy !req
1554. A bunch of ruthless criminals
have beaten
Copy !req
1555. the men that uphold
our justice system.
Copy !req
1556. Criminals are people too, Chris.
Copy !req
1557. Now, give me your wallet.
Copy !req
1558. What?
Copy !req
1559. Just kidding.
Copy !req
1560. You got a lot of balls, Crewe.
You played a hell of a game.
Copy !req
1561. And don't worry, I know you had
nothing to do with Caretaker's murder.
Copy !req
1562. And I'll back that up.
Copy !req
1563. Thank you, baby.
Copy !req
1564. Mean Machine! Mean Machine!
Copy !req
1565. You humiliated me. I can't believe
you couldn't even win a fixed game.
Copy !req
1566. Now, where the hell
does he think he's going?
Copy !req
1567. He's escaping.
Copy !req
1568. He's escaping.
Copy !req
1569. Officer, shoot that man!
Copy !req
1570. But, sir, there's people.
Copy !req
1571. Shoot him.
Copy !req
1572. Crewe!
Copy !req
1573. Captain, I order you
to shoot that prisoner.
Copy !req
1574. Shoot him! Fire!
Copy !req
1575. Crewe!
Copy !req
1576. Damn it, I'm giving you an order,
captain!
Copy !req
1577. Crewe!
Copy !req
1578. Pull the trigger!
Copy !req
1579. It's the game ball.
Copy !req
1580. Hey.
Copy !req
1581. Why don't you stick this
in your trophy case.
Copy !req
1582. - You have a nice time, old man?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1583. Yeah? Okay.
So, what do we do now?
Copy !req
1584. Well, the first thing is, we tell the
team where they're hiding Unger.
Copy !req
1585. Oh, I can't wait to see
what Switowski does to him.
Copy !req
1586. Great game, sir.
Copy !req
1587. That's a week in the hotbox!
Copy !req
1588. Who gives a shit?
Copy !req